Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 6

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs had to create fusion food to "sell" on the street. What, no recap of the Quickfire? Guess that's just another piece of evidence for my thesis, entitled "Why This Show Hates Andrea For No Good Reason". The chefs were split into partners. Andrea's already been eliminated once, we're reminded for the seven billionth time. Harold and Lisa forgot the jicama, and were berated for it unfairly. Miguel threw his immune partner to the wolves in his desperation to stay in the competition. It worked, and Lisa was sadly eliminated. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Another bright, beautiful day dawns in San Francisco. The first order of business? How Andrea feels about being betrayed by Miguel at the judges' table last week. Despite sounding fairly OK with it, as she did last week, she also throws in a tidbit about how Miguel will be the next one to go unless he cleans up his act, and that he really hasn't shown grace. Ouch. Miguel loads the dishwasher, and interviews that he wasn't attacking Andrea last week, he was just "expressing that he can't rely on anybody." No, that's OK. Feel free to read that quote as many times as you'd like. It still won't make any sense. The dishwasher overflows with suds. The guy's a chef and he can't load a dishwasher? Let me rephrase that. The guy's more than eleven years old and can't load a dishwasher? Miguel then snipes sarcastically about how nobody offered to help him clean up the soapy mess. Given that he's not exactly Mr. Popular after last week, and the fact that the mess is all his fault, maybe he can dial down the snotty attitude a bit. He's starting to get ugly, in more ways than one.

Quickfire Challenge. As the chefs enter the Kitchen, they're excited to see that Ted Allen from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will be this week's guest judge. KatieBot informs the chefs that the theme this week is pressure. They all openly laugh in her face, saying that pressure is pretty much a common theme, thankyouverymuch. On the table are a variety of ingredients with little price tags sticking out of them. The price indicates how much per ounce the ingredient costs. The challenge will be to create an appetizer for a total cost of under three dollars. The Kitchen's staple ingredients (spices, oils, flour, etc.) don't count towards the cost. As if the three-dollar restriction isn't enough, everyone only has twenty minutes to prepare the appetizer. I can't even make pre-packaged tater tots in twenty minutes. Winner is immune, as always. And....GO!

Dave is worried. Stephen is composed. Lee Anne, obviously asked to describe the mood of the other chefs by her interviewer, says she couldn't really tell how other people were feeling, because she was working. She says it kind of sarcastically, like it's a dumb question, which makes me love her all the more. I'll get to the ingredients everyone uses when they present the dishes to KatieBot and Ted, but Lee Anne's appetizer caps out at $2.98. Someone has turned off Miguel's burner. Is there a poltergeist in the Kitchen? Lee Anne's oven got tampered with. Equipment is always hiding or missing. And now the burner. I'd love to see a reunion show where we see footage that hit the cutting room floor of Tiffani or whoever sneaking around doing all this stuff. Speaking of whom, her appetizer is $2.76. She likes working under pressure like this. I can understand. My best college papers were written the night before they were due. Dave's is $2.57. He knows his flavors are usually good, but that he needs to work on presentation. I'd agree with that. Andrea interviews that she wanted to make something light and simple. Light and simple is fine, but $1.56? Jeez, what is she giving us - two peas? Harold's is $2.93. He says he's been very comfortable in every Quickfire challenge, and is pissed that he hasn't won one yet. I assume he's leaving out the one where everyone pretty much sucked. Stephen's proud of his dish (I know, surprising), which costs $2.84. He says he uses "innovative technique", which I guess is Stephen-speak for "pretentious and froufrou". It's the usual dabs of sauce here and there, but no real substance. Miguel's appetizer is $1.50. $1.50! Put some fancy cheese on it or something! Time's up.

Ted begins the judging, starting with Stephen. There's about three bites of food on his plate. Yeesh. It's poached baby Manila clams over grilled sea beans. Miguel has made an antipasti plate of various vegetables, pears, and a bit of cheese. Ted doesn't appear to like it very much, which Miguel notices. Lee Anne has made deep-fried oysters with reduced lemon garlic cream. That sounds really, really good, and I'm not just saying that because I like Lee Anne. Harold has made bacon-wrapped trevisano (which is kind of like radicchio, which is kind of like lettuce) with a gorgonzola brulee. Ted enjoys it a great deal. Tiffani. She says she really wanted to "honor" oysters. I'll bet the oysters would feel more honored if they were alive. She's done three small preparations: raw oyster with pomegranate, deep-fried oyster, and white wine/cream poached oyster. Ted takes a bite and pretends he's allergic to shellfish, which would have been a bit more effective if he hadn't just eaten Stephen's clams and Lee Anne's oysters. Wow, that sounded dirty. And what's with all the clams and oysters? Are they that cheap? Dressel's has the nerve to charge nine dollars for a pretty small fried oyster sandwich. Remind me to look into that. Andrea says she likes to combine sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and pungent into her meals. Ted jokes that it sounds like she's describing his coworkers. Which one's pungent? I'll bet it's Thom. Andrea has prepared a carrot/pear salad with honey mustard dressing in a lettuce leaf bowl. Of course she can't resist telling him that he'll take a very nice crap later, thanks to her food. What is with her constant bragging about how much shit we'll all enjoy after we taste her cooking? Does she put that fact on her menus? Weird. Dave has made cumin and oregano chicken skewers with adobo honey butter. I've noticed that Dave makes what I'll call the most "accessible" food. It's not fancy. It's not artistic. But it's by far the food you'd most like to see if you showed up at someone's Super Bowl party or something.

Ted tells the chefs that Harold, Tiffani, Lee Anne, and Stephen are the frontrunners for the Quickfire. He gives all four of them specific compliments, but it all boils down to the fact that he thought they balanced flavor and presentation well. And the winner of the challenge is... Stephen. Boo! Smarmerview. The other chefs aren't thrilled. Harold says Stephen's food isn't "soulful". Dave (who has developed some sort of shoulder-rolling nervous tic), interviews that Stephen had six little bits of food on the enormous plate; that it wasn't an appetizer, but a painting. I completely agree, but I'm not surprised that judges who fancy themselves sophisticated would go for style over substance. KatieBot reminds Stephen that he has immunity now. Dave is still rolling his shoulder.

We go right into the explanation of tonight's Elimination Challenge. Ted tells the chefs he'll be throwing a dinner party to introduce his new cookbook. The people attending the party are going to be experts in the field. There will be food writers, food critics, wine specialists, etc. There are seven chefs, and each will be responsible for planning one of the seven courses. So all of them will be working as one giant team, which makes me laugh for some reason. Ted warns them that if the food isn't great, he'll look stupid, and that will make him a very cranky judge. KatieBot tells them they can spend $50 per guest, and have the rest of the day to plan their menu. She and Ted leave. Tiffani interviews that it'll be tough, since they are seven tremendously different people. There's a telling shot of six of them hunched over together, with Stephen standing off to the side alone. I get the feeling that's a common formation when Stephen's around. They start to divide up the courses. The big discussion is who's going to take on dessert, since none of them have much skill in pastry-making. Harold suggests doing a cheese plate instead of a real dessert. Tiffani tells him that if they do that, the judges will jump down their throats. Probably true. She interviews that it'd be a shame for someone to go home due to their weakness in dessert preparation.

Tom enters. It's really not a good sign that I dislike him on sight now. Tiffani pulls a brilliant move. It's devious, but I really have to hand it to her for coming up with this. Now that the head judge is in the room, Tiffani asks if Stephen would like to "take one for the team" (tally mark!) and do dessert, since he has immunity. She's trapped him. If he says yes, he's stuck with the loser course. If he says no, he looks like a jerkwad. This intimidation is another reason why Tom shouldn't be allowed to check in during the challenge, but in this case, it's to Stephen's disadvantage, so I'm all for it.

Commercials. The prettiest dining room in the world doesn't make up for that haircut, Pier 1 lady.

Dave recaps the challenge. Tiffani recaps the maneuver she just aptly pulled off. Stephen agrees to do dessert. I can't tell if he really doesn't care or if he knows he's stuck, and is playing it off as gracefully as he can. Tom leaves. So his presence would have accomplished absolutely nothing if Tiffani hadn't taken advantage of it. Top Chef? If you do a Season 2? Fix this. Miguel takes on the first course (cold appetizer). Dave takes the second (soup). Andrea takes the third (fish). Tiffani takes the fourth (poultry). Harold takes the fifth (meat). He's extremely pleased to get it, because we all know how sick he is of challenges about kids' food or microwave food or other things that he's not strong in. He's just not a fan of challenges that are...challenging. Lee Anne takes the sixth course (pre-dessert). And of course, Stephen has the last course (dessert). Lee Anne is optimistic about how the chefs will work together. Everyone heads back to the IHOF, where the chefs prepare a barbecue dinner for themselves. I'm sure this is not in any way done to surreptitiously promote the KC MASTERPIECE BBQ SAUCE that just happens to be featured prominently. I'm sure if KC MASTERPIECE BBQ SAUCE were a sponsor, they'd just pay for ad time or something. People talk about putting any extra money from the challenge they have into a pool so that other people can get more supplies if they need them. Good idea. Stephen does some research on dessert recipes.

Morning. Everyone heads to the grocery store for supplies. We see what the chefs are going to be making. Lee Anne is making a fourme d'ambert cheese and beet sorbet. Beet sorbet? What'ere, Jane Eyre. Andrea is making John Dory fish. Harold asks the butcher if he can cut the meat he wants himself. She's totally fine with it. I don't know why that surprises me, but it does. Harold will be making a roasted prime beef and Swiss chard. He's says he's feeling good and happy, which is our cue to grit our teeth and wait for the sword of Damocles to fall on his head. Miguel is making smoked scallops and caviar on a latke (potato pancake for you non-Jews). Stephen takes over wine selection.

Everyone goes over to Frisson, the restaurant where the party will take place. It's a really beautiful restaurant, and the kitchen is bright and roomy. I like the people at the restaurant I work at, but that kitchen is so narrow, it makes me crazy. The chefs have two and a half hours to prepare everything. Tom enters. Boo! He reminds them that "pressure" is the theme of the week, so he's going to be turning up the heat a little bit. Rut roh. Out comes the knife block. That's never a good sign. For them, I mean. Tom tells them that the knives are numbered, and whatever knife they pull, that will be the course they prepare and will be judged on. Andrea interviews with amusement about the horrified faces she saw after the announcement. Miguel draws first. He draws #6, so he'll be preparing Lee Anne's dish, the sorbet. Dave draws #3 (Andrea's fish). Andrea draws #1 (Miguel's scallops/caviar/latke). Tiffani draws #5 (Harold's meat. Hee. I said "Harold's meat."). Harold draws #7 (Stephen's dessert). And...bam! Down comes the sword. He's upset. I get frustrated at Harold's constant surprise and disdain for the challenges and twists they throw him, since those aren't exactly scarce on a reality show. I do have to admit, though, that he often gets the short end of the stick, challenge wise. I wouldn't be thrilled either. Lee Anne draws #4 (Tiffani's poultry - duck breast, with fig-stuffed gnocchi). That leaves #2 for Stephen (Dave's soup). Tom tells them that they're welcome to help each other on the courses, if they so choose. He has a little snotty interview about how chefs should be able to cook whatever's thrown at them, and blah blah blah.

Two hours until dinner. Stephen shows Harold all the ingredients he's bought, and the fact that they're as esoteric and varied as usual does nothing to improve Harold's mood. Stephen, actually being very cooperative for once, interviews that he teamed up with Harold to give him as much help as possible with the dessert. I get the feeling Stephen would much rather be rid of someone expressive like Dave or Andrea than Harold, who's fairly tight-lipped in the kitchen. Tiffani advises Lee Anne. Lee Anne advises Miguel. Andrea advises Dave. Miguel advises Andrea. Andrea pulls a Harold by saying that Miguel's dish is not something she'd usually eat, so she's not very happy about having to prepare something like this. Andrea, if you can get through the gas station Quickfire, you can get through this. Tiffani says that she's very comfortable with meat. Hehehe. Suddenly, there's trouble a brewin'. Miguel has dumped a load of salt into the sorbet, thinking it was sugar. Not good. He skillfully pulls in a rousing chorus of "poor me, I'm out of it". I've been hearing a lot of that song lately.

Commercials. I wasn't aware that America had a "favorite" push-up bra.

Lee Anne recaps the entire challenge. Thanks, but I am actually watching the show. Miguel is freaking out over the salt substitution. He comes over to help Andrea make his original dish, and she (very kindly, considering last week) tries to work out ways he could work around his mistake. She suggests just putting together a cheese plate and forgetting the sorbet, which is probably the only thing he can do in this scenario. Tom checks in. He asks Harold how the dessert's going. "Fuck if I know," Harold responds. Tom tells him Stephen thinks it'll be fine, and Harold says "I'm glad he's confident." Heh. Harold's totally winging it. Tom asks Miguel what kind of cheese he's using. Miguel has to call over to Lee Anne to ask what it is. I'm certainly not familiar with fourme d'ambert, but the fact that he stumbles over the name in front of a judge makes him even more flustered than he was before. He's falling apart. Andrea interviews that because the dish Miguel is in charge of is such a mess, he wanted something of his to turn out right. So he comes over and basically takes over the preparation of his own recipe from Andrea, leaving her only the latkes to prepare. Tiffani's a little miffed about this, though I can't tell if it's because she thinks Andrea is shirking her duty or because she thinks Andrea's leaving herself open for some harsh criticism later.

The guests arrive. There are ten minutes left until dinner starts, and everyone goes into hysterical mode in the kitchen. Ted schmoozes, and tells some guests to have no qualms about expressing their honest opinions about the food. The guests are seated and toast Ted. Stephen shows off his mad phat wine-opening skillz by popping the cork with a large knife. Andrea and Miguel serve the scallop/caviar platter. Shockingly, Andrea does not tell the assembled guests that they'll be able to take a nice crap after the meal. Ted and Tom are not happy about the fact that the latkes are lukewarm. Harold says that he actually prepared what Stephen was in charge of (Dave's soup), because Stephen was helping out so much on the dessert. Dave is pissed about this in an interview, sniping that if this is how it's going to work out, he'll just have Lee Anne cook his food from here on out, and he'll take the credit. I can't believe I'm about to defend Stephen, but here we go. First of all, it's completely within the rules to work as a team on this challenge, so it's not like they're going behind anyone's backs for this. Secondly, Dave is trying to make this about rules and competition, but it seems to me that he's just jealous that other people are working together and benefiting, leaving him out. We already know that he's not very fond of either Harold or Stephen, so it's like he's recasting his high school days with him as the poor victim and Harold and Stephen as the asshole jocks. I could be wrong, but if I'm not, this prissy snit is extremely unattractive. The soup is drank as a shot, and everyone seems to like it a lot.

Dave presents his fish and is blathering loudly and quickly. He's really nervous, and is doing that shoulder roll thing again. Ted asks if someone can slip Dave a glass of wine, presumably so he'll calm the fuck down. Dave goes back into the kitchen as the guests begin the fish course. Tom hates it. Lee Anne interviews that she's nervous, because pasta's not exactly her strong suit. She serves the duck and fig-stuffed gnocchi. Everyone loves it. Tom says he likes it, but in a tone of voice that suggests that he's disappointed that he doesn't have anything to complain about. Have I mentioned that I don't much care for Tom? He's not fit to wipe Tim Gunn's shoes. Tiffani serves the meat. It's fairly rare, which I enjoy, so it looks good to me. Everyone looks very happy with it. In the kitchen, Lee Anne tries to help Miguel salvage something of the mess he's made of her recipe. He asks her the name of the cheese again. He's still unhappy, but goes out to present the cheese. There's a beet salad on the side now, to take the place of the sorbet. He stumbles over the name of the cheese again. Oh, dear. Everyone likes the homemade cracker, but not much else about it. Harold's concerned, because Stephen is devoting more time to wine serving than helping him out with dessert. Harold serves it. There's a black-tea-infused milk chocolate soup, something or other made out of white chocolate, and chocolate flourless cake. The guests like the first taste of the chocolate soup, but then decide it's too rich to continue with. The flourless cake is more popular, though someone says it's a bit dry. The chefs are summoned into the dining room, and are applauded. Ted thanks them, and everyone toasts everyone else and has a drink. They're dismissed so that the judges can deliberate.

Commercials. Does anyone really watch that housewives in Orange County show? I can feel myself getting stupider just by watching the promos.

The guests have vanished. KatieBot asks Ted for his impressions. He says he was impressed with the teamwork, and that the food tasted fairly good across the board, so the winner and loser may have to be chosen from presentation alone. Gail and Tom agree. Gail goes on to say that the dessert was too rich for her. Tom says that the dessert was a difficult one, and he had much bigger problems with Dave's fish, or rather the vegetables beneath them. In the waiting room, people try to comfort Miguel by asking him how he's doing, and he repays their kindness by snapping rudely at them. I'm no fun to be around after a bad day, either, but these people's intentions are good. Bad mood or not - shut the fuck up, Miguel. KatieBot comes in, and asks to see Tiffani, Lee Anne, and Stephen at the judges' table. Once they're seated, Gail tells Stephen she loved the soup, which of course he had nothing to do with. Tiffani had two minor problems with her beef (something about over-resting and undercooked onions), but overall, it turned out really well. Ted tells Lee Anne that her flavors were unified, and the duck was magnificent. KatieBot announces the winner...Lee Anne. Yay! In an interview, she gives credit to Tiffani for coming up with such a good recipe. I love Lee Anne.

KatieBot asks the top three how they think things worked out in the kitchen. Lee Anne tells them about the salt/sugar mixup. Tom pulls his usual jerk move by asking if they were to choose someone to be eliminated, who would it be? Actually, he doesn't even ask them to supply a name, but openly asks if they think Miguel should be booted. Lee Anne opens with her usual diplomacy by saying that it'd be a tough call. Tiffani leaps right in and says that yes, Miguel should be eliminated, since he was flailing so much tonight. Stephen says that Miguel's meltdown was unfortunate, but that he thinks there are weaker people overall in the competition. Tiffani makes a face at this. Tom asks who he means, and he says Andrea and Dave. Wow, I called that one. Tiffani shakes her head, because Stephen's not falling in with her line of thinking. Lee Anne tries to pull Miguel out of the fire a bit by saying that he did the best that he could out of her original vision. The top three are dismissed. They come back into the waiting area. Lee Anne modestly reports her win, then tell them that the judges want to see Dave, Miguel, and Andrea. Dave's already crying. Harold's pleased with being in the middle of the pack, given his lack of experience with desserts.

The bottom three seat themselves at the losers' table. Gail, pretty gently under the circumstances, tells Dave about her problems with his vegetables. He's about ready to burst into tears again. She asks him what his feelings were when he drew the fish dish. He says his main concern was keeping it light, and trying to do justice to Andrea's intentions. Good answer. Ted thinks that Dave was so worried about Andrea's vision that he didn't put enough of his own style into the dish. Dave tries very hard to keep the tears back. He succeeds, but his voice is wavering, and he almost begs not to be eliminated, saying he knows he can do better. Tom says he appreciates that, but they have to judge on the food. Miguel admits to his problems from the start. He fails to remember the cheese's name yet again. He really does deserve to get eliminated tonight. He tells the judges about his salt/sugar thing, but says that he thinks he regrouped from that well. Tom gleefully stirs up shit by telling Miguel that Lee Anne and Tiffani thought he was an absolute mess, and that Tiffani suggested he be eliminated. I hate Tom. Lee Anne said NOTHING OF THE KIND, you goddamn, lying fuck knuckle. Miguel's angry, but holds it in, saying he disagrees and that it just shows that they think he's a threat to them. He's wrong, but how else do you respond to a statement like that? Tom tells Andrea she's at the table because she only did one thing, and messed up that one thing by serving the latkes cold. She agrees. Ted tries to get her to describe something that she brought to the dish, and is not satisfied with the response about scallions. He feels she didn't even try to impress the guests or judges. The bottom three are dismissed.

They come back into the waiting area. The other chefs see the look on Miguel's face and ask what's going on. He says he heard that a couple of people said that he should go home, and wants to hear why. He sounds very composed at this point, but since he knows very well what his issues were tonight, he's really just picking a fight. Tiffani cops to her statement, saying that she feels he made some novice mistakes in the kitchen. She adds that she never said that she felt it was his time to go home. That's skirting awfully close to a lie. She never volunteered that opinion, but she certainly gave it when asked. Miguel calls her on it, saying that Tom said she did, and asking if she's calling Tom a liar. Miguel? Tom IS a liar. Not about this, but still. Dave is crying. I really hope he's crying about possibly getting eliminated, and not this stupid spat. Lee Anne rolls her eyes at these ridiculous people. I feel you, Lee Anne. Miguel keeps shouting Tiffani down before she can answer his question about Tom being a liar. He asks for a yes or no answer. Again before she can give one, he asks another question. Is Tiffani threatened by him? This one she's got an answer for, and it's not the one he's looking for. No, she's not, and since he's unable to hold a civil conversation, she's taking herself out of it. He vows some, I don't know, personal vendetta against her, calls her a snake, and makes a hissing noise. He's convinced he's won the argument, but she just giggles, because that was a totally lame burn.

Back at the judges' table, Gail says that Miguel's dish was "unorganized", by which she means "disorganized". And she's a writer. Shame on her. She does say again that she really liked the cracker, but that everything else about it was a mess. The other judges agree. Ted says that Dave needs to get his emotions under control, and that you can't ever get anything accomplished if you're always freaking out about your feelings. I agree. Andrea didn't put enough effort into anything. The judges feel she doesn't really care enough. All she did was open a tin of caviar and make cold latkes. The judges reach their decision.

Commercials. Buy a Kenmore dishwasher, and please ignore that scene in tonight's episode where one of them spewed suds all over the kitchen.

The bottom three come back to the table. Dave didn't put enough personality into his dish. Miguel created havoc in the kitchen. Andrea is lazy or something. ANDREA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. She thanks the judges. Miguel leans across and says he's sorry to see her go, because she's been a true friend. This is one of those instances where writing down his words doesn't convey one-tenth of his tone, so I'll try to write down the undercurrents of what he was really saying. "Andrea, I'm sorry it has to be you going, and not that bitch Tiffani. You've been a true friend to me because you didn't put up a fight when I betrayed you to the judges. By the way, me betraying you to the judges was fine. Tiffani betraying me to the judges is pure evil." Andrea comes back to the waiting area to say good-bye. Lee Anne tells her how glad she was to have her back. She even shares a stiff hug with Stephen. Tiffani interviews that the contestants are there for different reasons. "Not everyone's here to win. Some people are here for the impact they make in other people's lives." That's very astute. Andrea promises to keep on working to improve people's diets. Aw, she was fun.

Overall Grade: B-