Napa's Finest

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs worked together to fail at an asinine challenge. We finally rid ourselves of Stephen. Oh, and two loving souls were joined for eternity or whatever.

San Francisco. At the IHOF, Harold rolls around sleepily in bed. I don't know if I feel sorrier for him being taped or the camera guy whose job it is to hover over people trying to grab some shuteye. Harold voices-over that though Stephen deserved to go home, it was too bad, because Harold really liked him. Ew. Really, Harold? Say it ain't so. Dave lets us in on the origin of his becoming a cook, which we've already heard about. Tiffani interviews for about the six billionth time that she's not in the competition to make friends, then refers to herself in the third person. It's like she's working her way down the list of Irritating Reality Show Cliches. Lee Anne interviews that she'd like to win, and ideally would take Harold and Dave with her to the finals. She says that Tiffani's attitude is far different from her own, and that Tiffani can be very aggressive. She does at least do Tiffani the favor of saying that this attitude really only shows itself in the Kitchen; not that she's a rancid bitch 24/7.

Quickfire. Ptom, Gail, and KatieBot await the chefs in the Kitchen. Dave springs into his annoying shoulder roll. KatieBot explains that there are three spots for the finale in Las Vegas, so this will be the final "normal" elimination. The winner of the Quickfire will not receive immunity, but his or her win will be taken into consideration after the Elimination Challenge. KatieBot goes on to say that this week's Quickfire is all about junk food, so we go into another of Harold's ill-advised "poor me, I hate this challenge" rants, just as he always does when the challenge isn't something like "take something completely normal and make something completely normal out of it". Dude, I like you, but shut up. A variety of junk food is laid out on the table, and the chefs are told that they are to select one and remake it, but with a gourmet twist. Make sense? Harold selects first. He chooses popcorn. Ah, that's what I had for dinner last night. I really need to go grocery shopping. Dave shoulder rolls his way up to the table and chooses nachos. Tiffani picks corndogs. Lee Anne picks hotdogs. The chefs have 45 minutes, and can use any of the Kitchen's supplies. Go!

Dave interviews that his creative side is somewhat burnt out after all of these challenges. I feel him on that one. Harold says he's going in a somewhat different direction than the other chefs, and will be making Ecuadorian ceviche with popcorn cakes. Tiffani says she loves corndogs, but wants to jazz them up a bit. She'll be using some chorizo, which sounds so, so good. Lee Anne is confident in her creativity and nastily squeezes out some tubular meat, though we don't hear what's in it yet. Tiffani interviews that she maintains her calm in the Kitchen, which is our cue to see Dave running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Tiffani's disdainful of his methods, saying she doesn't think he'll be around much longer. Time winds down, people plate up, and they're done.

The judges start with Harold. As he said before, he's made Ecuadorian (incorrectly subtitled as Ecuadoran - hire a proofreader, show. I'm available.) ceviche with cakes made of popcorn on the side. Ceviche is generally composed of chunks of raw fish, lime juice, onion, and minced chile peppers. It's then marinated and served at room temperature with toasted corn or potatoes. It's the national dish of Peru, and sounds completely awesome. The judges love it. Tiffani has made a chorizo duck sausage corndog with a Camembert cream sauce. Yum. More compliments from the judges. Lee Anne has made a Japanese seafood hotdog with spicy mustard and lotus chips. Sounds like something you could get at Trader Joe's. By which I mean it sounds great. Mmmm...Trader Joe's. Yet more compliments from the judges. Dave has made nachos into... Nachos. They're seafood nachos with fire roasted tomato salsa and avocado cream. Sounds good, but he was not kidding about being out of creative ideas. Judging. Harold, Lee Anne, and Tiffani all did a great job. Dave's was far less impressive. He'll be going into the Elimination Challenge in "last place", so to speak. The winner of the challenge is Harold, so he's in the "lead".

WE. STARTED. AT. THE. BOTTOM. OF. THE. FOOD. CHAIN. NOW. WE'RE. GOING. STRAIGHT. TO. THE. TOP. Humans? Is cannibalism the next challenge? Gross! This show has gone too far! The chefs gasp as Ptom and Gail bring in a basket and some wine. Are there dead babies in that thing?

Commercials. I have yet to see a dishwasher that claims you can just run the dishes through without rinsing in the sink first actually be able to follow through on that promise.

Oh. So I guess KatieBot was exaggerating when she said "top of the food chain". What she meant was rare, pricy ingredients. The wine is a 2001 Shafer, which I've never heard of, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm the opposite of a wine expert; I'll drink anything that tastes even fairly good. Suffice it to say that this wine is hard to come by. The basket contains black truffles, worth about a thousand dollars a pound, according to Ptom. Can you imagine the look on Stephen's face when he found out that he got eliminated just before these ingredients appeared? Sweet. The Elimination Challenge will be to prepare a dish using the truffles that pairs well with the wine. The meal will be prepared in Napa. I've been there! And got really drunk! The judges will be some of the best chefs of Napa Valley. The contestant chefs are thrilled. KatieBot tells them that they'll leave tomorrow. Harold is confident, not only because this is finally a challenge he can sink his teeth into, but because of his Quickfire win.

Evening. Lee Anne says that she thinks she has what it takes to be a top chef. She lists off qualities such as respect for others and willingness to learn from her mistakes. Oh, and she's a damn fine cook, too. The chefs pop open a bottle of the Shafer. I'm surprised they're allowed to just kick back with glasses of the stuff if it's so rare and sought after. Tiffani is still giddy about the challenge. Dave is just thankful they finally have more than five to twenty minutes to plan out their menu. Heh, no kidding. Everyone goes to bed soon after. In the morning, Harold interviews that he was feeling really ill. I'm not so sure you want to feature the juxtaposition of Harold drinking your fine wine and Harold getting sick, show. "Be impressed by this rare vintage! It'll make your stomach leap out of your body!" Dave is worried about the amount of ground he has to make up, but seems willing to give it his all. Tiffani says she won't have to worry about being eliminated unless something drastic happens. I think that was shown to make her look smarmy, but she's probably right, so I can't really give her a bunch of shit for it.

Napa Valley. It's beautiful. The chefs are all excited. They are driven to a food supply store (it looks fancier than a regular grocery or supermarket), and are given an hour and $250 to shop for their other ingredients. Lee Anne buys three pounds of lamb. Tiffani also purchases lamb. Harold ALSO purchases lamb. He still feels icky. Dave notes that everyone else bought lamb, so he buys beef, knowing he needs to set himself apart if he wants to stay in the competition. Lee Anne complains in an interview that she was the first person to get lamb (Actually she says she was "the first person to get on the lamb train." Hehehe. Now I'm envisioning Soul Train, but with lambs), and now a whole bunch of them are going for it. I don't think they're copying you, Lee Anne. Didn't everyone work out their menus last night? Harold wishes he'd gone for a vegetarian dish now. Eh. I like certain vegetarian dishes, but if you're going all out with some special ingredients, I think some type of meat is almost essential.

The chefs pull up to the facility they'll be serving at, called Copia. The name of the kitchen there is Julia's Kitchen, named after Julia Child. Aw, I loved her. Tiffani waxes nostalgic about her in an interview. There's a portrait of her on the wall. Lee Anne says that she got to meet her once before she died. Tiffani one-ups that she met her, too. This is the weirdest pissing contest ever. Lee Anne interviews that she and Tiffani break the mold by being women and getting this far in the competition. Huh? Are women regularly discriminated against in the fields of cooking or reality shows? I don't think so. Lee Anne goes on to say that Tiffani's abrasive style comes off as bitchy. I'd give that a solid "meow", but it's totally true. Each of the chefs has two hours of prep time. Tiffani will be serving her dish to the judges first. Then Harold. Then Lee Anne. Dave will be last. Tiffani interviews that she's "there to win" (tally mark!), and that there's nothing wrong with being "aggressive in everything that you do." I'd strongly disagree with that statement. If Tiffani wants to play this game aggressively, that's fine. As much as I loathe the phrase "not here to make friends", I can get behind the sentiment. However, if you're like that all the time, you're not so much "aggressive" as you are an asshole. You'll note that the woman whom the kitchen is named after (and whom Tiffani adores) is remembered as much for her warmth and kindness as her cooking. We'll hear more about this later, but there's a big difference between "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and win" and "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and grind you into dust".

Tiffani will be making lamb and fois gras-stuffed gnocchi. The dough of the gnocchi will contain the truffles. Interesting. Harold is making lamb and sunchoke creamed spinach. Sounds good. His stomach still hurts. Lee Anne is making black truffle risotto with butternut squash to go with her lamb. Dave is making beef with truffle macaroni and cheese. I don't like that idea. I love macaroni and cheese, as any good American should. Still, if the challenge is to make something using specialty ingredients, I feel like making something so common out of them is sort of a cop-out. Just my opinion. Lee Anne calls out to Dave to get a pan that's hung high on the wall down for her. Tiffani makes a bitchface and asks them to be quieter. Again, reasonable request - poor execution. She seems to specialize in those. Dave's next quote is pretty priceless: "Tiffani can be very tough and abrasive in the kitchen, and... You know, you're not saving a life, so it doesn't work for me." Yes! That's what I was trying to say way back when this show started. I hold no quarter with pawning off a bitchy demeanor off on your sense of professionalism in any job; I don't care how "artistic" and "creative" it is.

With an hour to go, Ptom checks in. His contribution is typically pointless and time-wasting, so let's skip it. With half an hour to go, the judges file in and seat themselves. It's a group of executive chefs from all over the region, including the vintner whose wine they're using. They look like they mean business. Tiffani is still plating when time runs out. She says she wanted to make sure the dish went out perfect. The judges have a toast with the Shafer wine. Tiffani says "There's only so much you can kick yourself in the ass for what you've done. And... I just didn't have the time." Well, I don't think you're to that point yet, Tiffani, so keep on kicking. If you're going to throw attitude all over the kitchen and then claim it's because you're so bent on being professional, then you have to take full responsibility when something bad like running late happens. Can't have it both ways.

Commercials. Is that girl in the ranch dressing commercial supposed to be in college? Cause she looks like she's about eleven.

It looks like Tiffani's plates go out about three seconds late, so way to make a big deal out of nothing, show. Her lamb loin has rosemary and thyme and cauliflower puree. It looks like it's perfectly done, as far as how rare the meat is. She retreats to the kitchen, interviewing that her time management was off, but that she stands by the food. One of the judges says that the truffle gnocchi is good, but the cauliflower sauce doesn't complement the wine well. Or something. Harold and some additional waiters serve his dish. The lamb loin has sunchoke-creamed spinach. The sauce served on the lamb incorporates the truffles. The judges love his sunchokes, but one of them finds the mushrooms gritty. Looks like they weren't washed thoroughly. Eek. The judges are actually much more complimentary once he's gone back to the kitchen. Lee Anne is nervous. Tiffani interviews that Lee Anne used too many ingredients. As Lee Anne exits to the dining room, Ptom is bragging to the other judges that with three lamb dishes, it seems likely that one of them will be knocked out unless Dave's beef is a complete disaster. Lee Anne hears this and is understandably unhappy about it, given that the other lamb dishes have preceded her, so the judges are sick of it by now. I've noticed that Ptom is never more happy or animated than when he's talking about who's going to be eliminated. Prick. Also, strip down what he just said to the meaning beneath. "One of the lamb dishes is going to be eliminated, unless it's the beef one." Um, YA THINK? Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Lee Anne's risotto includes the butternut squash and also some mushrooms, all served next to a lamb loin that is crusted with pistachios. Mmm. I once asked my mom if she had any weird cravings when she was pregnant with me, and she told me that she had to start buying pistachio nuts wholesale because she was eating so many of them. Heh. That must be why I love them so. Anyway, Lee Anne describes the multitude of ingredients in her sauce, then heads back to the kitchen. The judges like that the cherry tone of the wine is brought out nicely by her sauce. One judge thinks her risotto is too starchy. Dave admits that macaroni and cheese is a simple dish, but adds that it works well with the truffle. Tiffani interviews that Dave's food is never very refined. True. But we all saw what happens when food is over-refined, and its name is Stephen. The judges dig into the dish. One of them has a fleck of cheese on his chin. Heh. Pass judgement now, piggy! OK, the dish isn't as simplistic as I first thought. The beef is prime filet with collard greens and radicchio, and the mac and cheese incorporates cognac and the truffles. Dave can't help bursting forth all his emotions about how tired he is and such to the judges. They don't care, Dave. The judges love how the truffle complements the mac and cheese, but they all seem to feel that he used way too much pepper.

Guest judge deliberation. Tiffani's dish was good, but too doughy and soft. Plus, the cauliflower puree wasn't a good pairing with the wine. Harold, on the other hand, used the wine perfectly, and the judges really liked the sunchokes. However, his gritty mushrooms seem to be a real bone of contention. Lee Anne had the best sauce, but there was too much going on in the dish. One of the judges repeatedly calls Dave a "pepper monkey", but everyone loved how he used the truffle. Everyone's asked what their favorite and least favorite dish was, though we don't hear what they say. In the kitchen, none of the chefs can really predict who had the best or worst dish. Everyone's tired and anxious.

Commercials. Why am I seeing promos for one of the local news broadcasts on BRAVO? Stick to annoying me on your own channel, Vickie Newton.

Judges' table. KatieBot's hair looks really good. Blah blah three chefs going to Las Vegas. Harold is taken to task a little bit for disdaining dairy in general, though it doesn't seem like he needed it for the dish. Still, when you're working in a kitchen named after Julia Child, it's probably a rule that you throw three sticks of butter into everything. Aw, I miss her. Aside from the gritty mushrooms, Harold did an excellent job. Plus, that Quickfire win puts him in a pretty good position. Lee Anne pushed the boundaries, which is good. Her lamb was slightly overcooked, but the sauce was great. Her ingredients overpowered the truffles and wine, which she should have been showcasing. Tiffani's flavors were great and she was innovative. Her cauliflower puree didn't work at all, though. Dave used the truffles the best, but the rest of his dish seemed to be an afterthought. KatieBot tells them that the guest judges had two clear favorite dishes. Harold's was one of them. He's in. He's happy. Hey, whatever happened with his stomach bug? Guess he got over it. That was pointless. The other favorite was Dave's. He's in. He's shocked. The other chefs are shocked. I'm shocked. Not only that Dave's was the favorite, but that Tiffani and Lee Anne are the bottom two. Did you ever think you'd see Tiffani and Lee Anne as the bottom two? Yeeks.

Harold and Dave congratulate each other in the kitchen, which is nice, considering they've never really gotten along that well. Dave wanders into the walk-in freezer, which has an awesome button that makes the door slide open, like it's something out of Star Trek. I'd play with that thing all day. After he comes back out, they discuss who they think will be joining them. They hope it's Lee Anne. Me too, guys. Back at the table, Tiffani and Lee Anne are asked to explain why they should go to Las Vegas, though I find it hard to believe that the choice hasn't already been made. Tiffani says that she's been true to herself throughout the entire competition and that she's fiercely competitive. No argument so far. Then she says that she's brought humility to the competition, and that's demonstrably false. Not that humility is so necessary in her reasoning as to why she deserves to go to the finals, but it's still a lie. She says that she always admits when she's screwed up. Also demonstrably false. She concludes by saying that her food's been consistently good throughout the competition, and that I do agree with.

Lee Anne says that she very much wants to win, but feels that she doesn't have to be mean to be competitive. She doesn't think putting people down is necessary to excel. Burn! That's basically what it boils down to. People like Tiffani are always saying things like "I'm nice, but when I compete, I'm there to win, so don't give me trouble for not holding your hand." What they fail to understand is that competitors that give a contest their all without needing to resort to such an attitude are better competitors, and usually better people. I know someone on a softball team who argues every call he thinks he can get away with; even the ones he knows he's wrong about. This isn't professional softball. It's a beer league, with games played after work. He'd claim that he's just doing all he can to ensure his team wins. Guess what? Nobody can stand him. Not even the people on his own team. When someone lands on one of your Monopoly properties, you collect rent from them. Collecting it with a jovial smile or a commiserative laugh and collecting it with a nasty barb has the same end result, but really says a lot about you. The penultimate object of a game is to win. However, the ultimate object of a game is to have fun. One could argue that fun is not what these chefs are trying to achieve, and that's true. Still, Lee Anne is perfectly correct in saying that hiding behind a bitchy attitude in the name of competitiveness is a detriment, not an attribute.

Commercials. Ooh, a new Kathy Griffin stand-up special! Yes!

Elimination time. This is probably the most suspenseful elimination of the season. On first viewing, I was clutching my couch in agony. Ptom tells them he's enjoyed working with both of them. Lee Anne has been a solid competitor the entire time, and gets great joy out of cooking. Tiffani has passion and drive. Unfortunately, one of them has to go. TIFFANI. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE. GOING. TO. LAS. VEGAS. Damn. Lee Anne's dish was great, but the execution fell short. Damn. I should have known. Tiffani is kind of the Santino of this show, so of course she's going to the finals. And Lee Anne is kind of like Kara Janx, so of course she's got to be chopped. Damn. And so we bid farewell to my favorite. She comes back to the kitchen and hugs everyone good-bye. Harold and Dave are upset. Tiffani interviews that she and Lee Anne have very different styles. She adds that she feels that she's a nice person, but that's not what she came here to prove. YES, WE GET IT. Again, you shouldn't have to "prove" you're a nice person. You should just be one. Tiffani's probably a pretty cool person in everyday life. But she really needs to understand that you don't check your humanity at the door when you compete.

Lee Anne wishes everyone luck. In her final interview, she's atypically bitter, getting in a passive-aggressive dig at Tiffani. I could have done without that, Lee Anne. I'm sorry you're going too, but be a gracious loser. She thinks there will be a lot of opportunities for her in the future. I have no doubt of it.

Next week on Top Chef: Reunion! And it looks extremely bitchy! Everyone's hair looks like hot, fried ass. Dave cries. Shocking. An "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" T-shirt is given, and I refuse to adopt that as this season's catchphrase. Stephen continues being a smarmy ass. Ken is invited for no perceptible reason other than to cause a lot of drama by being exactly the sort of obnoxious fuckwad that got him eliminated fourteen seconds into the competition. Tiffani may storm off in a huff. Wow.

Overall Grade: B