Talkin' Trash

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 6

Previously on Project Runway: Modernizing a fashion icon's look. Model swarm. Michael was thrilled to get Pam motherfuckin' Grier, while Bradley floundered with Cher. Jeffrey told Angela she should fix her own mistakes, but unfortunately made his argument so obnoxiously that it was hard to side with him. Laura snapped at him, but I'm sure she'll be much more agreeable tonight. Michael won the challenge, leaving Kayne with an even tighter face than he had before. And poor, sweet Bradley was sent back home. Nine designers remain. Who will be out tonight?

Opening credits. Wow, how grateful am I that Keith doesn't utter a word?

Morning. Michael brushes his almost non-existent hair and moustache with a giant hairbrush. Hehehe. He's proud of himself for winning the previous challenge. In the other men's room, Vincent tells us that judging is very subjective, and can go pretty much any direction. Not to give too much away, but I'm guessing that's a preemptive excuse about this episode on the producers' part. I'm not buying, fuckers. Speaking of not buying, Vincent goes on to say that cashing out his 401K and quitting a job to come on the show was risky, but that he has the talent and construction abilities to make pretty dresses. Sure, what woman wouldn't want to look like an escaped mental patient? Alison shows Uli some anti-stress cream she's bought, and it's already more than half empty. Hehehe. Looks like all the remaining women have been moved into the same room at some point. Welcome to having Angela as a roommate!

Runway. Heidi emerges, looking like she just left her audition for Beetlejuice. She just does not look as good as she did last season. I wonder if Kara Saun is still designing her runway outfits? I doubt it. We're back to the Pointless Model Selection format, which means Nazri and Katie come out. Michael obviously sticks with Nazri, so baby-faced Katie is going back to the sandbox. Bye, Katie! Laura looks pained. Heidi tells the designers that the challenges have been pretty easy so far. Angela instantly disagrees, because it was really hard for her to ride Vincent, Laura, and Michael's coattails. Moron. Heidi insists that compared to last season, the challenges have been easier. Well, the first few challenges in the last season were making a normal dress, making an outfit out of a pre-existing outfit, making a Barbie outfit, making lingerie, and making a party dress. Seems pretty comparable to me. The designers aren't swayed. Alison turns to Jeffrey with a knowing nod and a smile. See? I told you! Heidi tells the designers that the next few challenges are going to be tough. The designers are filled with dread.

Evening. And suddenly...morning! 5AM to be precise. I think I'd strangle Tim if he tried to get me up and designing at that hour. Tim wakes everyone up and tells them they have an hour to get ready for a field trip. Oh, and no open-toed shoes. Are they coming to my lab? People get dressed. As they leave, Alison remarks to Laura that it's a good thing she's wearing her riding outfit, in case the challenge has to do with horses. Oooh, burn! Good one, Alison. Everyone piles into a van, which makes its way into New Jersey. Alison says that she was quietly humming the Sopranos theme song to herself. She is on fire this morning! And indeed, the show does similar camera shots and some knockoff music to simulate the same thing. If only I could introduce Paulie Walnuts to Jeffrey. Laura kicks off her Week of Good Cheer by disdaining the weather and saying that New Jersey looks as awful as it ever did. They pull up to a warehouse loading dock and wait for the door to open. They spend a little too much time trying to build up suspense, here. I mean, it's a loading dock in industrial New Jersey. I don't think there's going to be a field of sunflowers beyond that door. Naturally, it's big piles of garbage. Well, not exactly garbage; it's recyclable materials like plastic, newspaper, etc. Kudos to the Americans that filled this place up. That's a lot of stuff that's not going into a landfill. Robert is not pleased that these are going to be the materials to work with. The designers suit up in yellow Day Glo vests and hats and get to work. Each person gets three of those large, green bins to fill with materials. Thirty minutes to get materials, then some additional time at an art supply store.

Michael says this challenge will force him and the other designers to "think outside of the box". He can start by not using that horrible, trite phrase. Everyone gets started. People grab various bits of paper and Mylar. Laura interviews that the only thing close to fabric were the "For Peanuts Only" bags. Jeffrey loads up on magazines. Kayne spends a long time collecting plastic bottle caps. Vincent says he wants to make art, because it's so contradictory to trash. Because art can never look trashy. Alison finds working with material other than fabric inspiring. Time runs out. Michael lays down a beat-box rhythm, and Laura pumps her arms like she's about to break out rapping. She is, of course, completely lame at it, and Michael begs her to stop. Hehehehe. Back in Manhattan, the designers have fifteen minutes and $25 to spend at the art supply store. Jeffrey gets some acrylic paint. Apparently, this is the largest art store ever, because Tim uses the intercom to tell everyone that time is up, and to meet him at the front door.

Back in the workroom, the designers have ten hours until the deadline. Not the Day One deadline. The deadline. Ouch. Heidi wasn't kidding about the tough challenges. The designers freak out a little bit. Work montage. Alison interviews that there's no room for error when you have a challenge as short as this one. Angela plans to fall back onto her strength in patchwork. Probably a good idea. Before Angela was exposed as a famewhoring nimrod with bad taste, Gnat and I were very impressed with her patchwork stuff. Michael lets the materials he selected settle into their own shape, rather than trying to wrangle them into something else, because they're so stiff. Smart. Vincent interviews that he just "lets things evolve". Darwin comes back from the dead to smack Vincent in the face. Or that's just something I daydreamed. Laura interviews that Vincent isn't mentally stable, and is going to crack any day now. Well, I certainly hope so, because if he doesn't, there would have been no point in keeping his untalented ass on the show for so freaking long.

Seven hours left. Robert and Kayne settle in for a very quick dinner. Robert wants to trash talk someone. He doesn't even care who. Hehehe. They settle on Laura. After ripping on her for a bit, Kayne admits that her dress is cute. Robert says that she's folded the bag's "For Peanuts Only" stamp over so that it reads "For Nuts Only". Hehehe. Robert says that the dress looks like a straitjacket, which is entirely suitable for Laura. Zing! Of course, Robert doesn't dare say something like that to Laura's face, because he knows that she would end him. Jeffrey interviews that Laura's dress bores him to tears. Yes, I imagine it would, seeing as how it's, you know, A DRESS. It's not a shredded wad of fug meant as a commentary on all of those bourgeois people who want to wear attractive clothing. I mean it's not as if Laura's beaten Jeffrey into the ground in every single challenge so far. Oh, wait. Really, I can't put it any better than the guys at Project Rungay. I wish I were an eighth as funny as they are. Anyway, work montage. Alison interviews that she put together some striped pieces of paper, thinking it would be pretty. Which it is, but she discovers that stiff paper isn't so easy to sew into a flexible garment. She says that it's starting to look awful. Rut roh.

Commercials. OK, Orbitz. The fake game show thing? Not a bad idea. Maybe even a little clever. At first. But let me pull you aside for a second. It's played out now. You're like the guy who keeps telling the same joke at parties, and now all you're getting are pity chuckles. Time to go back to the drawing board. Please.

Five hours until deadline. Robert describes the challenge. Yes, thanks. We've been watching. He goes on to say that he himself recycles. Paper. Plastic. Ex-boyfriends. Heh. Kayne fusses about the deadline. He has painted the biggest, brightest, tackiest flower ever onto his dress. Alison tells Laura she had a mini freakout. There's a shot of Alison trying to make her stiff paper skirt work. Eek. No wonder she freaked out. It looks like she's wearing an Art Deco lampshade around her waist. She decides to change her design. She crinkles paper, and says she's going to make it into a voluminous skirt. She wants to be sure she can continue on in the competition, because "designing clothes is my life". Aw, don't worry, Alison. You've got a good track record. I mean, it's not as if they'd kick you off just so they can hang onto a talentless weirdo on the off chance he'll go on a ratings-boosting tirade. Kayne hangs his skirt on the dress form. Um. Wow. Aside from the gigantic, lime green flower, the bottle caps he picked up have been painted green and stuck onto it. Everyone realizes that it looks like ass. Even Kayne. He interviews that it looked like a toad exploded all over it. Laura disdains it twice in interviews, and says that Kayne could be in serious trouble.

Jeffrey's excited to work with newspaper. Well, sure. Fabric is so pedestrian. Not hardcore like him. He interviews that he's got this challenge in the bag. He may be half kidding, but it's probably still a mix of delusion and infinite self-satisfaction. Michael pins his name on his outfit from last week on the Fashion Wall of Fame. He says that he auditioned for Season 2, but didn't make it, and vowed to make it onto the show and win. OK, then. That seemed out of place. Anyway, with two hours left, we are reintroduced to the Designer Going Crazy music. Yes, it's time to check in with Vincent. He sorts through his material. Laura puts it best. "I'm not crazy about Vincent's design. It's just sort of this white, strapless, long sheath dress, and he just glued garbage all over the front of it." She's right. Hey, isn't this, like, the seventh interview from Laura tonight where she's all "This other designer sucks"? Why is she so cranky?

With an hour and a half left, Tim checks in. He loves Uli's dress, which is interwoven paper and Mylar strips. It really is awesome. Tim is also impressed with the way that Jeffrey's newspaper dress is coming along. Vincent's dress is hideous, of course, so Tim takes a couple of moments to pick out some criticism that would be constructive, rather than "Wow, this sucks." He settles on telling Vincent that he doesn't like that the front of the dress is "decorated", but not the back. He says it makes it look like a moving painting, and that's not good. Michael's top gets Tim's seal of approval, but the skirt is too bland. Alison shows Tim her crinkled paper dress. He's concerned, because Alexandra is larger than the other models, so cinching the waist in an attractive way will be difficult. There's an obvious overdub in which Tim "says" that Alison needs to consider the dress matching the specific model, I guess intimating that this would look better on someone else. I'm still not buying, producers. Tim approaches Kayne's dress with horror. He says that he's disappointed, and that it looks like a high school craft project. He builds and builds, and finally reaches the point where he tells Kayne to just throw out the bottom entirely. Robert is concerned about Kayne's progress. Tim tells everyone they've got an hour left. Kayne interviews that he's not even thinking about the win at this point; just getting through to the next round.

Commercials. I don't know about Kara Janx's assertion that botanical gardens are "feminine", but who cares? I love her!

Kayne frets over Tim hating his dress, and tells us he has one hour to throw together a new one. He goes for his stash of Mylar. Jeffrey paints. Vincent throws more tacky shit onto his tacky dress. Kayne puts together another skirt, which is just as awful as the one he threw away. He's stressed. Alison is equally stressed, and is worried about tomorrow's runway show. Time runs out. The designers drag their weary asses into their apartments. Kayne worries some more. He interviews that there's no way he's going to win the challenge unless the judges smoke crack before the runway show. Little does he know that he just may have nailed it on that score. Everyone goes to bed. Michael's clapper doesn't work. Or he's too tired to realize that his lamp's not hooked up to one.

Morning. Laura tries to talk herself out of bed. I do that all the time. The difference being that she actually succeeds. She's extremely confident about not being eliminated. Normally, I'd say she's tempting Fate, but she's totally right. There are too many disastrous dresses for the judges to worry about any little lapses she may have made. Vincent is equally confident. God knows why. They head out for the workroom. Tim enters and says that they'll have two hours to finish up and prep their models. The models come in. Clarissa rips part of Angela's outfit off, saying there's no way. Either it really doesn't fit, or something's poking Clarissa in the naughty bits. Nazri, Camilla, and Danielle the Sevenhead also look extremely uncomfortable. Who would have thought that wearing trash would be so difficult? They actually feel the need to explain to us through a Robert interview why it's difficult to wear dresses made out of paper or cardboard or whatever.

The models get styled. Kayne wants a "crazy, kooky" look for Amanda. Alison and the stylists work out a giant hair bow for Alexandra. Laura rolls her eyes. Guess she didn't sleep off whatever bitchy spell she's going through. Jeffrey's stylist marvels over his newspaper dress. Amanda's makeup looks ridiculous. Once again, let's head over to Laura. She says that Kayne and Alison's styling choices were frighteningly awful. While waiting for the show backstage, Laura asks about the makeup Kayne chose for Amanda. He says he picked it out of stress. She says she "worries about his choices". See, this is where Laura's crossing the line from hilariously snarky to outright mean. He icily responds that he "worries about her character". Camilla, sitting between them, tries to laugh along good-naturedly, but you can tell she's looking for the nearest escape route. Kayne reminds Laura he was in the top three last week, and she agrees that it was a beautiful outfit. Just as when Keith was kicked out, Kayne takes the argument farther than it needed to go and snaps that he's not going to be denigrated on camera. Yeah, what do these people think this is? A reality show? Why can't you all have the honor and good grace to denigrate people behind their backs, like Kayne does? Five minutes until the runway show. Alison interviews that Alexandra doesn't have much of a waist, so the point where the dress is supposed to cinch in is just shapelessly hanging straight down instead. She tells Alexandra to be careful not to rip it. Vincent has Jia walk, and says that his outfit "gets him off". That's fucking narsty. I'd be willing to put Things That Get Vincent Off on the top fifty of my "Facts I Never Needed Or Wanted To Know" list. Easily. Time runs out.

Commercials. You know the best way to sell tequila? Have fictional women discuss what they like shoved up their vaginas.

Runway. Heidi comes out looking much better than she did at the beginning of the show. She explains the whole challenge again, and hopes to see some innovation and creativity in the outfits. Michael and Nina are present to judge, and today's guest judge is "celebrity" "stylist" Rachel Zoe. I'm going to have some real problems with this judging, so let's get the little nitpick out of the way first. Rachel Zoe sucks ass. She was a horrible guest judge on America's Next Top Model, and I wouldn't trust her to dress a salad. Let's start the show. We begin with Lindsay, in Uli's dress. It's super-pretty. The base is muslin (everyone gets that as a base fabric when working with difficult materials like these or that plant challenge last season), and there are strips of metallic Mylar woven in. The dress poofs out at the bottom to form a little bell. So cute. Next is Clarissa, in Angela's dress, which we haven't seen a stitch of since the very beginning. It's...really odd, and hard to describe. There's an undergarment of Mylar, forming a sort of bathing suit. Then, there's an apron or smock made of graphic prints around Clarissa's neck that hangs down and reveals only parts of the Mylar beneath. I don't like it, but I will say that it's creative and innovative, which is what Heidi said they were looking for.

Michael dress, modeled by Nazri. The skirt is a white peanut sack, the top is a fitted corset made of gold Mylar, and there's a plastic tarp around the neck, forming a kind of stole or wrap. The top is really well-made, but other than that, it's unremarkable. Jia, in Vincent's dress. It's fucking ridiculously ugly, as always. It's made of white construction paper, which means Jia can barely move. Then Vincent glued bits of confetti and black plastic on. That's it. He once again voices-over that it "got him off". Oh my God, shut up. I really think I dislike Vincent more than Jeffrey at this point. Jeffrey's obnoxious and arrogant, and his aesthetic... Well, the nicest way I could put it is that his aesthetic is not to my tastes. But at least Jeffrey tries to do something different and interesting each week. He really attempts to make what he considers cool clothing. Vincent throws random shit on random fabric and calls it a day. He's worse than Lupe was, and has already outlasted her. It's moronic.

Next is Danielle the Sevenhead in Robert's dress. It's made entirely of silver Mylar strips, and is very cool. Nothing like working with odd materials to break him out of that "boring" rut. It's a knee-length cocktail dress with a ruffle at the bottom. Were this made out of fabric, it might have been a little plain, but the Mylar makes it look well-made, wearable, and attractive. On the other hand, knock it off with the putting bows on every single outfit, Robert. Brace yourself. Here comes Marilinda in Jeffrey's dress, and... I really, really like it. You would never be able to tell it's made out of magazine pages and newspaper. It's a sleeveless dress with a bell-like swoop bottom, and there's a large "belt". It makes Marilinda appear as if she just sprang out of a comic book, and the look really works for her. Plus, as with Robert's, she has absolutely no issue walking and moving at all. Of course, I could sit here and praise it all day, and still not reach the level of admiration that Jeffrey himself has, because as nice as this outfit is, he's still an intolerable dickhead.

Camilla, in Laura's dress. Once again, it's in the exact same style she always does, which once again means that it's lovely. It's a fairly simple sleeveless dress made out of peanut sack, and there is a waistband of black plastic strips. What's really remarkable is that she's created a rose at the waist made out of the same plastic strips, and it is beautiful. The judges seem to enjoy the "For Nuts Only" joke stamped across Camilla's ass. Here comes Alexandra in Alison's outfit. It doesn't look very good at all. It's made of crinkled, yellow paper that poofs out, which makes the model look messy and oddly-shaped. The hair bow doesn't really do Alexandra any favors, either. Finally, we have Amanda in Kayne's outfit. It's the worst one he's done so far. The top is made of construction paper that he's tinted in two shades of green, and the skirt is a giant flower of silver Mylar. It's really tacky. At least Kayne is not delusional like Vincent, and recognizes that the outfit sucks. He hopes that the silhouette and fit are enough to squeeze him through to the next round.

The designers step onto the runway. The judges tabulate their scores. Step forward when called. Alison. Kayne. Laura. Vincent. Michael. Jeffrey. If she hasn't called your name, you're safe. The three safe designers leave. OK, right away we have a problem here. It's not hard to pick out who the top and bottom three are in these six, right? Michael doesn't belong on either end. His outfit was fine as far as construction goes, but the overall effect was pretty bland. Assuming he's in the top three, Uli should really be in his place right now. The models emerge. The judges start with Michael. He explains that he tried to think of his materials as the fabrics they represent. The judges love it. They love the fit, the design, the innovation. Everything. Listen, I like Michael too, but really. This piece is not that good. Vincent. He explains his materials. Michael Kors points out that she can hardly move, so a minidress would have been smarter. Vincent says that what matters is that the dress "turns him on", so that's three times he's referenced the fact that he's sexually charged by his own subpar work. ELIMINATE HIM, YOU FUCKING FUCKS. He's told that no matter how excited he is by his own design, it has to be functional, which this is not. Heidi gives him a point for innovation. Yes, I suppose it can be a bit innovative to make something so ugly that anyone with a modicum of taste would never consider making it.

Laura. She says that she was trying to create an "elegant joke". The judges love it, and Jeffrey rolls his eyes. Shut up, ass. Michael thinks the outfit is impeccable. Kayne tells the judges he put all his eggs in one basket at the recycling plant, and sort of trapped himself. That still doesn't excuse him in the judges' eyes, and Nina tells him that his outfit looks like a costume. Rachel does appreciate the intricacy, given that he whipped this outfit together so quickly, but Heidi points out the poor styling choices in hair and makeup, which is true. It looks dumb. Michael tells him that he really stepped over the boundary of taste. Kayne closes his eyes, trying to wish this challenge away. Jeffrey describes the flexibility of his outfit. Nina tells him he did a great job. Michael says that it was the only dress that was actually capable of movement as it came down the runway. He goes on to say that it's ugly/beautiful, which is very much Jeffrey's aesthetic. Part of me really hopes that Michael meant that as a subtle burn on Jeffrey. Still, I can't disagree with any of that praise. It really is a great outfit. Alison talks about sculpting her paper. Heidi says Alexandra looks huge and unflattering, and hates the hair bow. Michael is particularly struck that the dress is so poorly fit, given that it was done by a female designer. So it's OK if a male designer makes a horribly fit dress, because he couldn't possibly understand how to work around boobies and coochies? Um... The judges go onto say that they don't see any innovation in the dress. Alison looks crushed. The designers are dismissed.

Deliberations. Laura's was great. The judges practically have orgasms over Michael's outfit, and I still don't get it. Kayne's was horrible, and looked like a Christmas ornament. They do say that he's very good at construction, so it looks like past challenge performances are being considered. Let's keep that in mind for a few minutes. Jeffrey's was draped well, and the belt was genius. Vincent's was stiff and distasteful. Alison's was a nightmare. Heidi says that Alexandra looked like a fat Minnie Mouse. Ouch! The judges make a decision, and the designers are brought back out.

This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: As far as I know, Vincent has never kicked a puppy under a cement mixer. There. That's as nice as I'm going to be towards that waste of organs.

Elimination. Laura is in. And now for this week's winner. Michael. Bullshit. Angela celebrates his win backstage, because how else will she get the cameras on her? Jeffrey is in, and is told he came up "just short". Bullshit. I hate Jeffrey's guts, but he far and away deserved this win. He goes on to be extremely graceless about it in an interview, so I'm not going to waste any time feeling sorry for him. Kayne is in. "But just barely" is badly dubbed in. That leaves Vincent and Alison.

Let's look at this objectively. True, this is the worst outfit Alison's ever turned in. But she's ranged from good to stellar in previous challenges, which Kayne was just saved by, and while the outfit is unflattering, it's not that bad. Vincent has ranged from offensively terrible to passably bad in previous challenges. He has absolutely no business making it this far, and this is the perfect opportunity to finally be rid of him. So what do the judges do? Eliminate Alison. After all, Vincent is so lovably wacky! BULLSHIT. As with the lingerie challenge, this was probably done for drama's sake, rather than based on talent. But there's a big difference here. Santino was both legitimately talented and legitimately interesting. People hated him, but they loved to hate him. Vincent is just flat-out horrible, and boringly incompetent. It is unconscionable that he has outlasted Stacey and Malan and Katie and Keith and Bonnie and Bradley and Alison. He'll probably outlast fucking Laura. Looks like Kayne was right about the judges smoking crack. This is probably the most fucked-up elimination this show has ever had.

Backstage, Laura flips out. She yells at Vincent that Jia couldn't walk in that dress. Vincent attempts a weak comeback by telling Laura to shove cigarettes up her nose. Ooh, zing! It must be razor-sharp repartee like that that's kept Vincent around [I have no idea what kind of spasm my brain went through to think he was talking about cigarettes instead of jewelry. But still. Shove [blank] up your nose? Is he seven? -- Limecrete] Laura's probably just as fed up with Vincent as I am, but the spat still essentially overshadows Alison's good-bye, which is not cool. Kayne tells them basically that, which I appreciate. Of course, he's a drama queen, so he makes it sound like Alison's being sent to the gas chamber instead of being eliminated from a reality show, but his heart's in the right place. Jeffrey has an especially hard time, since Alison was pretty much the only person who can stand him. Alison interviews that she's going to keep on designing, and that we'll be seeing her clothes popping up all over the place. I hope so. She didn't deserve this booting.

Next week on Project Bullshit Eliminations: Creating a look for the "everyday" woman. Gnat guesses Martha Stewart, which would be totally awesome. Angela fucks something up, as always.

Overall Grade (pre-judging): B-
Overall Grade (post-judging): D-