Amazing Race 12 - Meet the Teams

The Amazing Race - Season 12

The quality of Amazing Race seasons has veered up and down more than a roller coaster at Fujikyu. FUJIKYU! A downslide in the sixth season leading to a poor seventh and a horrible-to-the-point-of-insulting eighth gave me little hope, but luckily, the show was able to turn itself around for the ninth and tenth, both of which were fairly delightful. I skipped the eleventh (All-Star seasons and I rarely get along), so it's been a while since I've been able to settle in with Phil and the gang.

Until now! CBS had the good grace to pull a terrible musical drama, leaving room for a brand spankin' new season of the race. The teams have finally been posted, and since it's never too early to start mouthing off about who will rock and who will suck, let's take a look at the latest rainbow of famewhores. Actually, before we get to the individual teams, something strikes me about the overall casting. Check out that group. There's something missing. Something I really, really, really don't miss. We're finally rid of the straight (except for Chip and Reichen, who may as well have been), white, muscly, alpha-male team who always makes it to the final three, and wins more often than not. I guess the producers caught on to how freaking boring that became, so this time around, there are far more familial relationships, which I actually find way more interesting than the friend or dating teams. Yay! Who among them will conquer the globe, and who will just be spanked and sent home?

Kynt and Vyxsin: Dating goths. Dating goths!?!?! Oh, this season is going to be fun. I'll bet they want to be spanked and sent home. Kynt and Vyxsin are very proud of being non-conformist, and being part of a different crowd in Louisville has made them cultivate an "us against the world" attitude. Oh, well that'll make global travel fun. Their bio also says that the most difficult part of the race will be adhering to their daily makeup routine. That'll be the most difficult? Not climbing an ice wall? Navigating the cab system in Turkey? Nope, apparently finding time to apply white lipstick will be the real challenge. And if they think the denizens of Louisville don't understand them, I can't wait to see how they communicate with people in Korea or whatever.

Jennifer and Nathan: On again/off again couple, and the closest thing to the missing alpha-male team, since they're both in really good shape. Over time, the race has given us an endless supply of blandly pretty, annoying couples, neither member of which has a molecule of personality, and who spend the whole season fighting. Thanks for being this year's representatives, Jennifer and Nathan! I wasn't kidding about the lack of personality. There isn't a single interesting thing listed in their bio, and the only thing that's different about them is that he cheated on her, but they're trying to work things out. I'm all for it, if it'll keep them both out of the dating pool.

Ronald and Christina: Father and daughter. Both adorable. Both hard-working. Both whip-smart. Ronald is a first-generation immigrant, and such a workaholic that he had to miss a lot of Christina's formative years. They're hoping to use the race to strengthen their bond. I used to think stressful racing was a terrible way of doing that, but then Duke and Lauren came along. I could do without the "Who's Your Daddy" shirt he's working in the bio picture, but I can tell that this is one of those teams I'm going to love, then curse the heavens when they're eliminated.

Shana and Jennifer: Friends. I'm hesitant to slap the vapid twat label on the young, all-female team too hastily, because Dustin and Kandice wound up rocking my world. The signs aren't good, though. Their bio mentions their "good looks", although they look no different than the rest of the 16 billion LA blondes wandering around. They can be "bitchy". I heard one of them say that they plan to "flirt" their way through the race, an oft-tried strategy in teams with no brains, and which never works, thank God. They seem to be just as dumb and unlikable as previous Stupid Girl teams, but fortunately, Stupid Girl teams generally don't hang around for long.

Azaria and Hendekea: Brother and sister. Between these two and Kynt/Vyxsin, I can tell I'm going to need the Backspace key a lot this season. I like sibling teams (except for those awful Harpies), but their aptitude is hard to predict. They appear to have a fair amount of sibling rivalry, but I can't tell how much of that is played up for drama's sake. Azaria describes his sister as "dainty", which doesn't bode well, but they're both engineers (so they're no dummies), and they appear to be in fairly good physical shape. I'll just have to see them in action before I make up my mind about them.

Lorena and Jason: Dating couple. Anytime you see "bartender", "model", "physical trainer", or "actor" on the bio page, you know you're in for some irritation. At first glance, they appear to be a perfectly acceptable granola couple. Some quick reading, however, reveals that they're every bit as uninteresting as their blond counterparts up there (though my gut reaction tells me I'll like these two more than Jennifer and Nathan). There is one weird thing about their bio. They say that cultural differences have caused some friction in their relationship, and then never say what those differences are. Are they of two different religions? Is she Israeli and he Palestinian? Does she like the frosted Pop Tarts and he likes the naked ones? Guess we'll find out later.

Nicolas and Donald: Grandson and grandfather. Well, this is a first. I couldn't imagine running a race with any of my four grandparents. Walking from the grocery store exit to the car in the parking lot was enough of a trial. Nicolas is a young airline pilot, and is cute in a dorky kind of way. Donald wears a shirt that reads "Grandpa" in their bio photo. Thanks for the heads up! I was confused about which one of you was older. They both seem nice, but Donald is pushing seventy, so I'm not going to form any lasting affection for this team, if you get my drift.

Ari and Staella: "Friends". I guess "Gay guy and his fag hag" would have rubbed too many people the wrong way. I want to like them, but there are some problems right off the bat. Ari is "catty", and describes himself as "rude and hilarious". Sigh. My problems with the overwhelming use of the Prissy Gay on this show are well-documented. How about a gay guy who's just gay? How about a gay guy who's more interested in racing than in maintaining the cliche of the scathing gossip? I miss Ken. Staella "won't hesitate to flirt her way to the front of the pack". Great, except for two problems. First, as I've already said, flirting doesn't work as a long-term strategy on this show. Second (and don't think I'm not aware of the irony of saying this after what I just said about Ari), she's not pretty enough to pull it off.

Marianna and Julia: Sisters. Before I declare myself a pre-fan of this team, which I intend to do, allow me to complain about yet another declaration that they're going to use flirtation as a strategy. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Thank you. OK, onto the good news. To be shallow for a moment, they're both really pretty. And "real" pretty, not "generic television" pretty. They have actual jobs. They admire the Hippies for their positive outlooks. If these two turn out to have the Hippies' approach to the race minus the Hippies' tiresome love of their own personalities, they may skyrocket to the top of my list.

Rachel and TK: Dating. Certainly the least annoying of the dating couples. It always pains me to see an attractive man hidden behind an ugly hairstyle, but if TK loses the beard and that Kurt Cobain wig, we'll be in business. The relationship between Rachel and TK seems to still be in its formative stage, and the stress of the race tends to blow that honeymoon phase to shit, lest anyone forget Peter and Sarah. If they don't wind up strangling each other, they may have a nice jump on some other teams, owing to the fact that they both appear to have more than three brain cells to rub together.

Kate and Pat: Married lesbian ministers. Married lesbian ministers!?!?! That pretty much blows the awesomeness of a goth team out of the water. I can't really get a bead on their personalities from the bio, and I doubt they'll get that far (I tend to love Teams of a Certain Age, but history is not on their side). For the time they do stick around, though, they'll certainly be interesting to watch. Accepting or annoyingly Jesus-freaky? Functional or constantly bickering? In the trailer I saw, one of them called the show "a love letter to the planet", which is a little hippy-dippy for my tastes, but I'm all for a positive attitude.