I'm Filthy and I Love It

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 2

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams raced from Denver, Colorado to Sao Paolo, Brazil. Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler led the pack almost the entire time, thereby upholding the Law of Alpha Male Teams. Fran and Barry missed the clue box. Like, a lot. John and Scott got stuck in a lousy cab, but soon discovered that they were just as lost without it. Double D tried to sucker some locals into helping with the Detour, but the men of Brazil have better taste than that, choosing to harass Yolanda instead. Lake and Michelle brought along their patches, but sadly left the Ritalin sitting on the nightstand at home. Fran and Barry failed to magically pull mechanical know-how out of their asses, but managed to catch up with trailing teams anyway. Eric and Jeremy slithered into first place. While the Harpies raced terribly (and considerably lessened my sympathy towards deaf people), they managed to barely stay in the race, thanks to John and Scott's supreme wind-sucking. Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. These teams are all about action! They're shown boogie boarding. Dancing. Walking their huge dogs. Working. Playing. Skating. Running. Hanging off of moving cable cars. The Harpies? Play with their hair. Ah, the symbolism is delicious tonight.

Sao Paolo, Brazil. Phil tells us it's the largest city in the southern hemisphere. That'll be handy for a trivia contest someday. Eric and Jeremy leave the mat at 5:34 AM. Their clue instructs them to get to Edificio Copan, a couple of miles away. Once there, they'll find Bloco F, where their next clue will be. They decide to wait for BJ and Tyler so that they can all work together. While they wait, they talk about how much they love girls and are looking forward to getting some sex on the race. The assumption that pretty girls will automatically drop their panties for them because they're so hottttttt? Hey, it's Awful Straight Man Characteristic #1! But I'm sure that'll be the only one tonight. I assume they're talking about Double D. Part of me wishes they'd hit on Yolanda so that Ray would crush their skulls. Actually, who needs Ray? Yolanda could probably do it herself. BJ and Tyler leave the mat at 5:36 AM. They say that although they're from two different worlds, they really like Eric and Jeremy. Ew. My respect for them just dropped so fast, my ears popped. The two teams get two separate cabs. Way to cooperate! I can see why it was so necessary to wait!

Wanda and Desiree are off at 5:45 AM. Ooh, they did even better last week than I thought. Desiree says that coming in third has given her and her mom a nice boost of self-confidence. They get a cab. Dave and Lori leave at 5:49 AM. They're still in love, which does nothing to increase my chances of getting a date with him. Damn. He interviews that Lori is a hottie-boom-bottie with the naughty Pilates. She cracks up. They're so cute. In Eric and Jeremy's cab, they spot what they assume to be prostitutes, and Eric compliments one of their asses. When it turns out to be a man, they laugh uproariously, because what could be funnier than accidentally saying something that could be construed as even moderately queer? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ASMC #2. The four lead teams reach Bloco F and discover that it doesn't open until 8 AM, so it looks like a bunch of people will be able to catch up. Tyler reacts to this by saying "Oh, crumbs!" Hey, if he's a DangerMouse fan, my respect will shoot back up again.

Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 6:10 AM, and let us in on the fact that they only have $23 for the leg. Michelle interviews that she can be a calming influence on Lake, who is such a "Type A personality". I've said this before, but I really, really wish people would stop using the phrase "Type A personality" to mean "unrepentant dickweed". They're not synonymous. Lake is already far too chipper for six in the morning. MoJo is off at 6:13 AM (Excited Jumping Monica). Monica is happy that they were on the last flight into Sao Paolo, and yet they beat people ahead of them. Hey, yeah! I don't think I gave them enough credit last week, but they must have done a pretty fantastic job. They get a cab, and both they and Lake and Michelle catch up with everyone else.

Ray and Yolanda depart at 6:47 AM. Yolanda isn't happy with their current placement. I can understand her competitive drive and everything, but sticking to the middle of the pack is fine for now. Really. It means you'll be less fatigued in later legs when the teams that have been busting their humps for first place the whole time start to go crazy and make critical mistakes. Colin and Christie's ears are on fire right now. Ray says that they can regroup and do better in this leg. Fran and Barry leave at 7:06 AM. Now, towards the end of this episode, I began chanting their names for what will become obvious reasons. I bring it up now because as I said "Fran and Barry! Fran and Barry!" over and over and faster and faster, it began to run together until it formed...Frankenberry! Oh, what a perfect name. Go, me! Ahem. So. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 7:06 AM. Fran is anxious to prove that she's in good shape again after she was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. Yikes. I'd be happy enough with just beating the cancer. I'm glad to see that she's doing well. Barry has confidence in her. Even after last week.

Double D leaves the mat at 7:19 AM. Dani (I think) interviews that their strategy was going to be to use their femininity to get through the race. Because that worked out so well for Heather and Eve. Twits. Now they think they'll have to push themselves a little harder. Hmm, ya think? The Harpies are last to leave at 7:28 AM, and right off the bat, there's a "woohoo!!!!!" that makes my eardrums quiver in fear. Lisa interviews that the race is harder than she thought it'd be. Joni interviews that Lisa gets really quiet when she's down or nervous. Yeah, you heard right. Lisa gets "quiet". Joni, have you ever actually met your sister? Everyone catches up with the teams at Edificio Copan.

8 AM. Everyone gets their clue. It's the season's first Roadblock. What's a Roadblock? You're such a n00b. A Roadblock is a task that only one member of the team may perform, and they only get a hint of what the task will involve before they must choose which team member will do it. For example, this one has the question "Who's ready for a fire drill?". Phil doesn't mention anything about the Roadblocks having to be divided fairly equally between team members, but I hope they kept that rule. He does, however, explain that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to climb one of three fire escapes, then rappel 400 feet back down. That doesn't sound too bad. The only other rule is that whoever gets to the top first gets to go first, so they'll need to choose their fire escapes wisely. I SAID, they'll need to choose their fire escapes wisely! Oh, never mind.

BJ takes on the task for his team. Desiree. Dave. Jeremy. Lake. Joseph. Ray. Fran. Lisa (or Joni). I'm not bothering to learn to tell them apart. Danielle. Desiree starts sprinting up staircase #1. Jeremy's right behind her. Ray's right behind him. At this point, with three people ahead of you, you'd probably go to another staircase, right? So of course, Danielle goes up staircase #1 in fourth. Fran goes up in fifth. At last, someone catches the hint, and Dave is first up staircase #2. Lake's hot on his trail, and Joseph is right behind him. Oh, so it's Joni taking on the Roadblock. Whatever. She stupidly starts ascending staircase #2. I'm sure she can overtake people like Lake, who appears to be made entirely of testosterone. BJ wisely heads up staircase #3, all by his lonesome self. What, he doesn't want to wait behind four other people? What's wrong with him? Eric and Dani are cheering on their partners, and Eric says to the camera that he'll have to charm the girls so he can get into their pants later. ASMC #3. Various people climb. Their partners cheer them on. Want to simulate the experience? Yell out "Come on, [partner's name]!" Repeat one thousand times. There ya go.

Jeremy is first to descend from roof #1, while Joseph is first to go down from roof #2 (Happy Jumping Monica). BJ is, of course, first and last at #3. More yelling to partners. Jeremy is first to the bottom. The clue tells them to go to a nearby bus station and pull a ticket for one of three buses to the town of Brotas. They leave at 10:15 AM, 11:15 AM, and 12:15 PM. First come, first served. Normally, I'm not wild when teams are all scrunched together, then given a mini-race like this. However, in this case, teams actually affect their placement through the staircase that they chose, so they actually rise and fall on their own intelligence, rather than dumb luck. I have no problems with that. Once in Brotas, teams have to choose a VW Bug with their next clue stuck under the windshield wiper.

Limecrete (whapping Blood Ray in the shoulder): "Slug bug, no tagbacks!"

Yes, I'm pushing thirty. Anyhow, Joseph is second down. Monica shrieks "Oh my God, I love you!". I hope she's as loving when he's not kicking a task's ass. BJ and Tyler head for the bus station in third. Eric and Jeremy tell their cab to follow MoJo's. Back at the building, "Come on, [partner's name]!". Lake comes down in fourth. Ray is fifth. Lake and Michelle hop a bus. Ray and Yolanda choose a taxi. "Come on, [partner's name]!". Danielle is nervous, because she doesn't like heights. Dave gets down in sixth. Desiree is in seventh. They get their partners, their clues, and their cabs. Danielle moans to Fran about how she shouldn't have chosen this task, because she's so petrified of heights. Fran's like "Whatever, Tits McGee".

Blood Ray: "Use your femininity to get down."

Commercials. We both drool over the new Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats Strawberry Delight cereal. Wow, product names are getting way too long these days.

Danielle continues to panic, and Fran, no longer able to ignore her, gives her a hug to comfort her. Aw. She tells Danielle to concentrate on just looking at the wall. Handy advice. Once she gets started, Danielle doesn't seem to have any problems. Lisa is shrieking for Joni louder than anyone else yelled for their partners. I know, I'm shocked too. Double D heads for the bus station in eighth. Joni hits the bottom in ninth. Double D immediately grabs a cab, while the Harpies, in shades of last week, can't seem to find one. Fran slides down the rappel pretty easily, but that choice to bound up a staircase with four people in front of her cost them; Frankenberry is in last place. Though they may be slow, they're not stupid, so they manage to get a cab before the Harpies. Nice.

Cabs approach the bus station. Teams rush for the tickets. Eric and Jeremy get onto the 10:15 bus, as do BJ/Tyler and MoJo. Unfortunately for Ray and Yolanda, that's it for the first bus, so they get tickets for the 11:15 bus. They're not pleased. Perhaps it would cheer them to know that Lake and Michelle have been dropped at the wrong bus station. Whoops! They get in a cab. Lake is actually way less upset about this than I expected him to be. Dave/Lori and Wanda/Desiree get to the bus station at the same time, and both get tickets on the 11:15 bus. Desiree and Lori high-five. I like to see teams I enjoy getting along. That's it for the 11:15, so all the rest of the teams (Double D, Frankenberry, Lake/Michelle, and the Harpies) are stuck on the loser bus at 12:15 PM. Once Double D has their tickets, Eric feels up Danielle's biceps, then "surreptitiously" feels up her ass. Classy. ASMC #4.

The folks on the 10:15 bus enjoy the Brazilian scenery. It's really beautiful. The other two buses also depart at their scheduled times. Bus #1 arrives. Everyone chooses a Bug, and grabs their clue. Detour! Press It or Climb It. In Press It, teams drive to a plantation and process raw sugarcane (using a rolling press) into fermented juice, which they must then distill into 500 mL of ethanol. They'll then get their next clue, but must pour the ethanol into their car before they leave. I'm going into Organic Chemistry flashbacks. I'll just be in the fetal position for a while. In Climb It, teams drive to a waterfall and do a 90-foot rope climb up the cliff face, using mechanical ascenders. Once both team members finish the climb, they get their next clue. Organic Chemistry seizures aside, you have to play to your strengths, so I'd head for the sugarcane. The three lead teams are all endorphin junkies, though, so they all choose Climb It. They stop for directions. Eric and Jeremy decide to just keep following everyone else, and comment on the spankability of Monica's ass. ASMC #5. BJ hits Tyler with the slug bug move, except he goes for the alternate name "punchbuggy". Monica's worried she may hold her team back, being a girl, but promises to work as hard as she can on the rope climb. Where's the annoying Monica of last week? Actually, don't answer. I like Hardworking Cooperative Monica much more.

BJ and Tyler suit up first. They'll be going up the same line. There's a cool shot of ants carrying bits of leaves up the side of a tree. They don't even need mechanical ascenders. Tyler starts up the waterfall. Joseph and Monica suit up. Monica's going first. Eric and Jeremy suit up, one of them whining about his suede shoes getting ruined in the water. Tyler gets to the top. Various guys help Jeremy get ready to climb. He complains that the helpers aren't girls in swimsuits. I seriously wonder if we're supposed to like these guys. You know how the show uses editing to shape the story arc of a particular team, so I'm curious to know if their intention is for us to be sitting on our couches, yukking it up over these loveable rapscallions. Because I'm not amused. I really loathe them. Oh, and also? ASMC #6.

Monica reaches the top of the waterfall as bus #2 arrives in Brotas. These people are more varied in their choices. Dave and Lori head for Press It, Dave saying that he's done this experiment before. Hee. I wonder if he ever spilled nitric acid on his hands like I did. Never do that. Unless you like watching your skin bubble and fall off. Ray and Yolanda head for Climb It. Wanda and Desiree go for Press It. Meanwhile, BJ reaches the top of the waterfall. That puts them in first place, and they get their next clue. Pitstop. Already? Wow, this episode really flew by. They must now drive themselves 20 miles to Primavera Da Serra, a nineteenth-century coffee plantation. Sounds nice. They run for their car. Eric and Joseph are on the cliff face, the former a little ahead of the latter. Eric soon proves to suck at climbing, however, so Joseph hits the top, and MoJo takes off for the pitstop in second place. Once they're in the car, Monica grins and spouts the titular quote. I may grow to like this team. Jeremy and his ugly shoes make it up the waterfall. They head to the pitstop.

Happy Tootling Nerd Music! Yes, it's Dave and Lori, admiring the beautiful scenery. Yolanda is feeling hot, so she's happy that she'll be throwing herself into some water. Desiree worries a bit about how long it's taking to get to the sugarcane plantation. Bus #3 arrives. Frankenberry actually discusses which Detour they'll be better at, rather than just choosing randomly. You'd think that's a good thing, but I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that they may as well have flipped a coin. Frankenberry, Lake/Michelle, and Double D all choose Climb It, while the Harpies are having none of that, so they go for Press It. They all head out. Lisa (or Joni) can't get the hang of shifting the car's gears. Oh, no! Who would have possibly thought in a million years that they'd be expected to know how to drive stick? Just because it's come up in every season ever is no reason to believe that this basic skill would be involved at some point! They get into a spat about how Lisa (or Joni) should drive while Joni (or Lisa) gives directions. Because directions are so important when you can't go three feet without stalling.

Commercials. How many crappy movies with Matthew McConablahblah must society suffer through before it realizes that he's utterly redundant? Hello! We already have a perfectly functional Woody Harrelson, thanks. And if he breaks down, we've always got an Owen Wilson or Jay Mohr to spare. If I sound cranky, it's because I paid full price to see Sahara. There's two hours of my life I'll never get back.

The Harpies are still fighting. The bottom of my screen boop-boop-boops, because there's an amber alert about a missing child. I've never been so happy to be distracted by the boop-boop-boop. They manage to get directions and head for the sugarcane plantation. The three lead teams are trying to find their way to Primavera Da Serra, and Eric and Jeremy see Double D going the other direction. They hope the girls aren't eliminated, because they'll be forced to hook up with BJ and Tyler otherwise. Har. Har. They're so tiresome, I can barely work up the effort to mock them. ASMC #7. MoJo gets a bit lost and has to stop for directions.

Dave and Lori arrive at the sugarcane plantation. They get started. Dave starts cranking. Juice is spurted into Lori's face. Dirty! Ray and Yolanda find the waterfall. Ray says something like "fo-shizzle jizzle". Oh, Ray. Wanda and Desiree miss the turn for the sugarcane plantation, but seem to realize it pretty quickly. Desiree starts to get anxious about elimination, which is probably premature at this point, given that they know they have an hour's jump on four teams. Ray climbs the waterfall. Happy Tootling Nerd Music brings us back to the sugarcane plantation. Dave: "Keep pushing." Lori: "I'm pushing, babe." DIRTY! They get all their juice collected and start to distill it. Dave invokes the spirit of Mr. Wizard. Aw, that was a great show. Not as great as 3-2-1 Contact, but what was? Wanda and Desiree find the place and get started on their sugarcane. Ray finishes his climb, and Yolanda begins hers. Check out her leg muscles. She could crack a coconut with those things. Dave and Lori get their 500 mL of ethanol, so the Happy Tootling Nerd Music tells them they can have their clue. They wish Wanda and Desiree luck, pour the ethanol into their car, and leave for the pitstop. We know it's 20 miles from the waterfall, but we never hear how far it is from the sugarcane plantation. Yolanda finishes her climb, so she and Ray are off as well. Wanda and Desiree begin distilling their fermented juice. It's slow-going, and Desiree says that it's karma for all the times she's passed out in chemistry class. Hee. My genetics class almost passed out when my lab partner Diana spilled an entire bottle of ether, but that's another story.

Frankenberry heads to the waterfall. Lake and Michelle are right behind them, Lake saying that they've "caught up". To whom? To Frankenberry, who left at the same time they did? Weirdos. Double D gets caught behind a slow truck. Ooh, that would drive me batshit. It drives me batshit when it happens on my way to work, so I can't even imagine what I'd do if I were racing. Lisa (or Joni) continues to murder her car. Wanda and Desiree finish up, Wanda kisses the clue, and they're off. They're still worried about their placement. I still don't get it. Eric and Jeremy, nervous that BJ and Tyler don't know where they're going, decide to pull off and ask for directions. Joke's on them, though, because BJ and Tyler are on the right track. They pull up to the pitstop, and yell out for Phil. The greeter is just some random pudgy dude in red pants and a funny hat. They're team number one, and are thrilled about it. They win a trip to Tahiti. Nice! Eric and Jeremy pull up, upset that they're team number two. They yell at Phil and call him a woman. ASMC #8. Eight. In one hour. I fucking hate them. Phil does too, as he pops an eyebrow at their comment. That's not even getting into the fact that they're angry that they're team number two (!), and wouldn't even be that if they hadn't followed BJ and Tyler. Fucking fuckers. I know we have no reasonable expectation to get rid of them anytime soon, but they are officially on the shit list. MoJo checks in as team #3.

Frankenberry and Lake/Michelle arrive at the waterfall. Fran goes first. She tries, God bless her, but there's a reason little old ladies don't generally climb up waterfalls. It's the same reason I don't generally climb up waterfalls. I'd be terrible at it. As is Fran. She makes very little progress. Michelle breezes by her. We head into the break as Fran propels herself right into the cliff face. Ouch!

Commercials. Blood Ray feels bad for the two normal toothbrushes that get kicked out of their glass by the new fancy ones.

Barry yells for Fran to look at what Michelle's doing so that she can get the hang of the ascender. Lake freaks out (but in a fairly supportive way) about Michelle getting up the cliff, and freaks out just as much when it's his turn. Again, I'd much rather he be an excited spaz than an abusive spaz, but still. He's at a 9, and I need him at about a 6. Fran finally reaches the top, Lake not too far behind. He and Michelle head for the pitstop as Barry begins his climb. Dave and Lori check in as team #4. Yay! Ray and Yolanda are team #5, so they've certainly improved over last week. Wanda and Desiree are team #6, and are really shocked that they're not lower. They weren't that far behind Dave and Lori at the sugarcane plantation, so I am still at a loss to understand why they think four teams (an hour behind) managed to overtake them. Double D finally makes it to the waterfall, and Danielle passes Barry on the rope. He eventually finishes, and Frankenberry heads for the pitstop. Bad Detour choice two weeks in a row, folks. Shape up. There won't be dumbass teams to absorb your mistakes for much longer.

Harpies. Shitty driving. They finally get to the sugarcane plantation. Dani reaches the top of the waterfall, so they're done. The Harpies distill their juice. After spending at least two days in Brazil and encountering tons of locals, Lake still believes that they speak Spanish. Sigh. He doesn't want to stop for directions, but they eventually have to. Michelle hopes that another team is having as much trouble as they are. Well, she's in luck. Frankenberry's car battery dies. Ack! Double D passes them up, lamenting that although they like Frankenberry, they're not going to stop and help their direct competition in a race. Understandable. You know, though I'm certainly not anxious to hit the town with them or anything, Double D is a lot less objectionable this week. If they shut Eric and Jeremy down, they'll climb even higher in my esteem. The Harpies finish their ethanol, and are off.

Some nice guy who earlier agreed to lead Lake and Michelle to the pitstop has to stop for gas, which annoys Lake. Dude, he's doing you a favor. Shut up. Frankenberry gets a new car. Phil explains to us that should a car break down through no fault of the team, they can get a replacement car, but they won't get a time credit for the time lost. Fair enough. They've learned enough from last week not to give up, so they keep heading for the pitstop. Joni (or Lisa) says something about how hard they've worked today, so they don't want to go home. Well, I do want you to go home. Let's see which of us wins, shall we? Double D and Lake/Michelle arrive at Primavera Da Serra at the same time. There's tense music, even though we know (and Double D knows - since they passed Frankenberry) that they're racing for a meaningless position. Both teams get ready to bolt. They run for the mat. Lake and Michelle narrowly edge out Double D, so they're teams #7 and #8, respectively. They congratulate each other.

It's now completely dark out, so I have to think a lot of time has gone by, since it didn't even seem to be dusk when the last team checked in. The trailing two teams are still driving. Here is where I begin chanting "Fran and Barry! Fran and Barry!". A car pulls up to the pitstop. "FRAN AND BARRY! FRAN AND BARRY!" And coming out of the woods is...Frankenberry! Yay! Phil leaves them hanging a second before he informs them that they are team #9. They share a completely synchronized shout of "Oh, my God!". They're pumped.

The Harpies pull up. Lisa (or Joni) beats herself up for not being able to drive the "stupid" car. It's not the car that's stupid, sugarplum. Joni (or Lisa) tells her not to be so hard on herself. Don't listen to her, Lisa (or Joni). If you'd taken the completely obvious step to learn stick, you may well have still been in the race, so this is all your fault. Feel free to be hard on yourself. They step on the mat, and are eliminated. Yes! They begin to sob piteously. Unlike other teams that I disliked, where I still managed to dredge up some pity for their tearful elimination, the Harpies' wails bring me irrepressible joy. On the first viewing, I got up and did a celebratory booty dance across the room, capping it off by giving Blood Ray a nice, hard slap across the ass. Now that I'm rewatching the episode, I can actually hear the Harpies' closing comments. Lisa (or Joni) says that from the first moment she saw this show, she knew she wanted to do this.

Blood Ray: "What, cry on national television?"

Heh. No, she actually means she knew she wanted to do the race. Hey, me too, which is why I try to learn from past seasons. You know what got Meredith and Maria eliminated in Season 6? Not knowing how to drive stick. Joni (or Lisa) says that she still feels like a winner (snerk) and that they did their best, and love each other. Good for you. Now you can do your best and love each other in the best place possible. Far, far away from my television screen.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Moscow! Awesome! Monica thinks that Russians drink and smoke a lot. Teams have to search a crapload of matryoshka dolls for a clue. Wanda almost drowns.

Overall Grade: B+