It's Not Over Until Phil Sings

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 4

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams raced from Brotas, Brazil to get to the no doubt less clement weather of Moscow, Russia. (P.S. - I went to a trivia contest this past weekend, and one of the questions was to name the pictured building (St. Basil's) in Red Square. Thanks, Amazing Race! That's the second trivia question I never would have gotten if I didn't watch you!) Lake and Michelle squabbled and got lost. So, you know, not much news there. The language barrier didn't just rear its head in Russian, as a few teams seemed to have a lot of trouble with the Roadblock's ever-so-tricky hint "take the plunge". Phil calls the Tools Double D's "race sweethearts". Ew. Shut up, Phil. Double D left their clue pack at the Roadblock, and had to go back for it. Wow, for a second there, it looked like they might not suck, but then they pulled it out. MoJo/Dave/Lori got very lost on their way to the Magical Hidden Trolley Depot. Other teams searched through nesting dolls to their frustration and our amusement. The Tools were first to the mat, but were told that this is a double leg, so they must continue to race. Nine teams still remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Do Dave and Lori own that green plastic slide? If so, they're even bigger geeks than I thought.

Moscow, Russia. We relive the last couple of minutes of last week's leg. Yes, we just watched the "Previously on" segment. We get it now, thanks. Anyhow, the Tools get their next clue. It tells them to fly to Frankfurt, Germany. My screen is also now telling me the outcome of an Illinois school district tax rate vote. I imagine several local viewers were on the edge of their seats for that decision. Once in Frankfurt, teams have to catch a train that will take them an additional 100 miles to Stuttgart, Germany. Once there, they will need to find the flagship Mercedes-Benz factory. The Tools make plans to get to Frankfurt. Their plans involve taking an airplane. Good thinking, boys. Although I would be delighted to see them try and hitchhike there. Lake and Michelle hit the mat in second, which would be their highest placement ever, if this were a pitstop. Too bad, so sad. They take off for the airport. If you don't mind, I'm going to skip all the portions of the show where the Tools act like...well, themselves. Sure, that'll make the show fourteen minutes long, but I just can't take anymore Look How Rakishly Charming (AND STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!) We Are.

Ray and Yolanda hit the mat in third. Blood Ray makes us rewind a couple of times to see Yolanda's face when they're told they have to keep racing. Yep, it's a good one. Ray hopes they can make it out of Moscow before the other teams catch up. Meanwhile, back at the theater, Frankenberry is doing their typical Detour Whine. Barry finally finds a clue. They leave for Red Square, at which BJ and Tyler are just now arriving. They check in. BJ fake tips Phil a dollar. It pains me to say that the Hippies are starting to get on my nerves a bit with their schtick. I like that they're good racers, and they seem to be really nice people in general. It's just that they're always "on". If they dial back the spaz a little, we'll be fine. They hang around to watch Frankenberry hit the mat in fifth (!!!). Both teams are pleased with their placement, and hope to catch up at the airport.

Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are still cleaning those trolleys. It's dark, and looks pretty cold out there. Everyone's miserable, but is scrubbing away. Joseph spitshines an area. Heh. Wanda and Desiree and Double D finish at about the same time. "Is this the airport up here?" one of the Tools asks their cab driver. Let's see, it's a big, lit building with a bunch of runways around it. Yep, I think it's a safe bet. They easily get tickets to Frankfurt. Lake and Michelle, right behind them, cannot get onto the same flight. I don't know if it was a question of tickets or ticket agents, there. It looks like the Tools' ticket agent may have bent the check-in time rule for them. Which is fine - good luck is good luck - I just think it's strange that Lake and Michelle didn't get the same deal. The Tools' flight takes off at 7:05 PM. Lake and Michelle are understandably upset, though thankfully too tired to throw a big shit fit about it.

MoJo and Dave/Lori finish up on the trolleys and again share a cab to get to Red Square. Double D and Wanda/Desiree walk onto the mat at the same time. They're told they're six and seven, then given their next clue. They leave for the airport. Double D contemplates stapling the clue bag to one of their asses. Probably not a bad idea. MoJo gets a running start off of Dave and Lori out of the cab, so they're team eight. Which puts Dave and Lori in last place. I don't care for that at all. They are, of course, thrilled to not be eliminated. Back at the airport, Lake and Michelle find a flight to Frankfurt at 9:15 PM. So, not too terribly far behind the Tools, all things considered. Ray and Yolanda get into line, and are still there when all the other teams get to the airport. One of the ticket agents says that her computer's broken. Everyone's frustrated. There's a shot of the Tools landing in Frankfurt, but surely they couldn't have gotten there while everyone else is still in the Moscow airport. The editing must be wonky. They, of course, manage to snag a train just as it's leaving. Lucky fucks.

Back at the airport, ticket windows seem to be opening and closing at random, like a really not fun game of Whack-A-Mole. The Hippies manage to score tickets on the same flight as Lake and Michelle. The other teams try to argue or beg their way on, but no go. They're stuck in Moscow until tomorrow. Man, that sucks for Ray and Yolanda. If anyone should have gotten on that flight, it's them. Flight #2 leaves. Everyone else stuck in the airport discovers that the next flight isn't until 7 AM the next morning. They're not happy about it.

Commercials. Oh, good. Another bastardized movie version of a Shakespearean play. Can't get enough of those!

People give up and head for a hotel, except MoJo, who decides to sleep at the airport. On the train, the Tools are being tools. They arrive in Stuttgart, and head for the Mercedes-Benz factory, which helpfully has a lit sign of their logo stretching into the sky, like it's the Bat Signal or something. They find the clue, which tells them to take a test drive. They won't be able to go until 8:30 AM. They still have a mondo lead, I think, given that most of the teams can't leave Moscow until 7 AM. The test drive is basically them being passengers while a qualified driver takes them on a high speed track, including banking around a corner on the Wall of Death. I didn't make that up; it's actually called the Wall of Death. And for good reason. The car will be almost perpendicular to the ground as it banks. The Tools head for a hotel, apparently disappointed that the track isn't open in the middle of the night. Dur. The Hippies and Lake and Michelle get their clues, too.

All the trailing teams get tickets on the 7 AM flight. Wanda whips her hair around a lot and her ponytail is almost smacking the camera. Stop attacking me, Wanda! What did I ever do to you? In Stuttgart, 8:30 has arrived, and there are several very stern-looking German gentlemen at the factory to do the test drive. The drive looks pretty fun, and yet completely terrifying. All of the three lead teams get wide-eyed and jumpy as they ride the Wall of Death, but seem to enjoy it at the same time. They get their next clue. It tells them to drive themselves 200 miles to the city of Bad Tolz. Drive what? Are they given Mercedes or something? Once in the Bavarian countryside, they'll search for Ellbach Field, where their next clue will be. The three lead teams locate Bad Tolz on their maps, and start making their way there. At 11:15 AM, the remaining teams get into Stuttgart. There is frenzied taxi-hunting. First to the clue box? Dave and Lori! Yay! Teams pull clues. Teams ride. Teams look frightened and excited as they approach the Wall of Death. Joseph is so excited, he actually thinks he'll be driving the car himself. Hehehe. Not so fast, there, Skippy. Also hilarious is the fact that Frankenberry just sits in their car and lets the driver do his thing. They could not be less impressed with the Wall of Death. Awesome.

Teams get their Bad Tolz clue and start trying to figure out the way there. Desiree snips at Wanda that her accent is making it hard for the German people to understand her, and thus be able to give them directions. Uh, can Wanda really help her accent? It's not like she can turn it off. Double D decides to follow Wanda and Desiree. Because they've been doing so well? These people are acting weird. Frankenberry demonstrates that they're not bad at everything; they're very skilled with maps, so they start to make up some time. Ray/Yolanda and Dave/Lori get directions from passersby. Soon after, MoJo drives by Dave and Lori, and asks them if they know anything. Dave and Lori play dumb about the directions. Smart idea. They interview that after their placement in Moscow, they decided they really need to work for themselves. MoJo doesn't seem to have any problems figuring things out for themselves. Desiree has discovered that they're going the wrong direction on the highway. Double D is still following them. Wanda and Desiree pull off and actually tells Double D what's going on. So Double D decides to figure out the directions themselves to actually try and improve their race placement. HAHAHAHA!!!! Just kidding, of course. No, they keep on blindly following Wanda and Desiree, who clearly have no idea where they're going.

The Tools have found Ellbach Field. The clue is a Roadblock. Ew. It's one of those horrible product placement Roadblocks that have nothing to do with the culture of the country they're in; it's just a weak excuse to shove in another commercial. At least this one's not as bad as that one in Season 6, where the teams had to go to an internet cafe in Hungary and log onto AOL. I'm still pissed about that one. In this one, the chosen team member lifts giant gnome hats and/or feet to discover a gnome buried beneath it. There are 150 hats/feet, and 11 clues, which are taped to the bottom of the gnome. Jeremy takes it (not that it matters on any team - it's that pointless a Roadblock). He easily finds the clue. Helen Keller could do this Roadblock. Even now. Their clue tells them to get to Bavaria Film in Grunwald. They also have to take the gnome along with them, not that it means anything race-wise - they just want to get it shown onscreen a lot. Feh. Lake and Michelle ask a guy who's strolling down the road they're on for directions. He's walking because he's too drunk to drive. Heh. He actually agrees to join them and direct them to the field, as long as they take him home afterwards. How great a story will this be for him? "Yeah, I was totally plowed, but these weird Americans with a camera crew promised to take me home if I showed them where the gnomes were buried." They and the Hippies reach the field at the same time. BJ and Lake take it on. Well, that was dumb. Michelle should have seized the opportunity to do such an easy one. That'll bite them in the butt later. The Hippies go into their tiresome spaz routine, and keep in mind I'm saying this while Lake is present. Lake and Michelle agree to lead the Hippies out, as long as they can make a quick stop to drop off their drunken guide. Hee.

Frankenberry finds the field next. Barry takes it, and finds a gnome. It's as exciting as it sounds. Barry interviews about their skill in finding their way from place to place. Yeah, they're flying. If only they could manage other things with equal aplomb. Not that being good with directions is anything to sneeze at, as we see Wanda and Desiree take the EXACT same wrong turn they did before. Jeez. They're frustrated. Double D is frustrated. I'm frustrated having to watch them do this.

Commercials. When I think of caring companies, dedicated to making America a better place to live, I certainly immediately think of WalMart. By the way, have you read "Nickel and Dimed"?

Double D decides to keep on following Wanda and Desiree despite the fact that they are completely floundering. Man, are they dumb. Wanda has the nerve to actually snap at Desiree about their situation. Hey, who's driving, lady? They finally figure out what they hell they're doing. Meanwhile, the Tools have arrived at Bavaria Film. Detour! The choice? Break It or Slap It. In Break It, teams alternate breaking stunt bottles over each others' heads until they find one with the word "Prost" (meaning "Cheers") imprinted on the back of the label. They can only break the bottle every time a cuckoo clock...um...kooks. In Slap It teams have to learn and "correctly" perform the steps of a German folk dance. You'll see why "correctly" is in quotes in a minute. The Tools, naturally, can't resist Break It. I don't know that I'd be able to resist it either, though I'm confident my four years in the salt mines of show choir would give me an advantage in the other one. They have to dress themselves in lederhosen before starting. A Swiss Miss lookin' girl stands off to the side. They begin to gleefully bash each other in the head. Bashing the Tools in the head does look tempting. May I use a brick instead?

Ray and Yolanda have reached the Roadblock. Ray takes it. They leave as MoJo arrives. Joseph does it. As he searches, Dave and Lori arrive, and Dave takes the Roadblock. Joseph finds the gnome, and Monica finds where they're going on the map. I really didn't give MoJo much of a chance in the beginning, but they are starting to look like a really good team. Ray and Yolanda stop for directions. Dave finds his gnome. They're off. The Tools are still smashing. Bottles, that is. The boys themselves aren't smashing at all. Lake and Michelle drop off their drunken passenger, then get to Bavaria film, with the Hippies right behind them. They both choose Break It. As they suit up in lederhosen, the Tools find their label, and get the next clue from German Miss. Of course, they can't resist being their repulsive selves. The clue tells them to get to the next pitstop, an archway called Siegestor in Munich, 10 miles away. Phil calls it a 150-year-old monument to peace. Holocaust what? The Tools leave. The Hippies are still being dumb spazzes. Michelle breaks a bottle over Lake's head. Lake tells her she doesn't have to hit too hard. She tells him to shut up and take it like a man. Of course, when the time comes for him to hit her, he barely taps her, and she still finds a way to bitch about it. Unfortunately for us, that hit did it, so we don't get to see either one of them get clocked with any more bottles. Boo! It looks like the Hippies find one fairly soon after Lake and Michelle leave. They're as slimy towards German Miss as the Tools were.

Frankenberry arrives at Bavaria Film, chooses Slap It, and suits up. The lead dancer starts to teach them the steps, and they don't look like they're getting it. A cute German dancer off to the side turns and grins derisively at the guy standing next to him.

Blood Ray: "You're wearing lederhosen. You don't get to make fun of anyone."

They start the dance, and mess up. Hey, they wouldn't be Frankenberry if they didn't foul up the Detour somehow. The Tools reach the mat. They win a trip. I hate them. The greeter is very gnome-looking himself, which was probably on purpose, and makes me feel dirty. The Tools are toolish some more. The Hippies and Lake/Michelle are near the pitstop, but are trying to figure out what street they need. They meet up briefly, but the Hippies wait until Lake and Michelle are safely out of range before getting precise directions from a passerby. In the Lake and Michelle car, Michelle is starting to shut down. This has been an exhausting leg. This isn't a good time for that, though, so Lake tells her that if she doesn't have anything positive to contribute, she shouldn't say anything. Michelle, in the fakest cheery-voice ever: "Let's go, babe! Get onto it, babe! You can do it, you're great!". Hehehe. That was my first liking Michelle moment, ever. The Hippies get to the mat first, and feel the need to run onto it backwards, because THEY'RE SO DAMN FULL OF LIFE AND VITALITY! DO YOU GET IT YET!?!?! Sigh. I really, really want to like them, but they're making it hard this week. They're team two. Lake and Michelle are three.

Back at the Detour, Frankenberry still sucks at the dance, but apparently this sucking is different than the previous sucking, because they're told they can go. Whatever. They leave as MoJo arrives. They select Break It, and begin bashing. They're pretty cheery about it. Dave and Lori barely sneak by Ray and Yolanda. They both get to Bavaria Film, and choose Break It. Lori has issues getting into her lederhosen, as does Ray. Yolanda tells him he's got a big butt. He giggles, and looks adorable. So now three teams are smashing bottles everywhere. A parade of jolly German musicians wander by. This whole Detour is like a big acid trip. Dave and Lori are first to find a printed label. Yay! They're off. Hey, remember the Roadblock? Wanda/Desiree and Double D are only just now arriving at it. Desiree and Dani take it. There aren't many gnomes left, so they're taking a while. Wanda and Danielle tell the camera that they don't want to be totally adversarial, but at this point, they really have to try and win. Dani finds a gnome. Desiree is still having issues, and takes the time to stop and correct her mom's pronunciation of "gnome". Yeah, there's totally time for that. Wanda snips at Desiree to run instead of walk.

Blood Ray: "Big talk for the woman who couldn't get herself to sink two feet in a pool."

Commercials. So we totally called that "fake" number of the good-looking doctor guy in the U.S. Cellular commercial. It's a fake message from him that basically amounts to a little ad. Still. Clever.

Desiree continues her hunt for the gnome. She's having trouble. It's dark, and by my count, there are 3 gnomes and 150 places to look. Yike. She finally finds one. They head for Bavaria Film in last place. Frankenberry checks in at the mat as team four. Four! At the Detour, Ray/Yolanda and MoJo are starting to get frustrated with the bottles. MoJo jumps ship and heads for Slap It, which is only about twenty feet away. They complete it easily, and run off. A few more bottles later, and Yolanda's had it. They switch too. Again, it doesn't look like they have to do that good a job to be successful. Yolanda gets the clue and shouts "I love you, New York!" like she's coming off her Carnegie Hall debut. Hehehe. Dave and Lori hit the mat as team five. They really pulled themselves out of the quicksand today. Yay! MoJo is team six. Ray and Yolanda are team seven.

Double D arrives at the Detour and chooses Slap It. They dance. They leave for the pitstop as Wanda and Desiree are entering, also having selected Slap It. Wanda has this intense look of concentration as she dances, which makes me laugh, and Desiree looks so depressed, I want to cry. Double D, now that they actually have to, you know, do something for themselves, are totally lost. This allows Wanda and Desiree to pretty much catch up to them on the way to the pitstop. Double D complains that they're sick and tired of competing not to be last. Well, maybe if you pulled your heads out of your asses, ladies, you'd have a slightly better shot. No fake editing to make it look close, here. It actually will be a footrace to the mat. Double D manages to make it there first, and check in as team eight. That puts Wanda and Desiree in last, and they're eliminated. Aw. They're proud of each other, and are very sincere in their praise of each other. I like to see that.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Teams get frustrated while trying to find a clue in laundry. Hey, at least it's clean laundry. Lori struggles horribly at the Roadblock. Nooooo!!!

Overall Grade: B