Top Model Makeovers

America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 3

Previously on America's Next Top Model: New York. Model pad. Times Square runway show. The girls "sent a message" about homelessness at the photo shoot - namely, homelessness is a silly, lighthearted issue that people should feel free to mock through photography. Paulina Porizkova became a new judge. Kimberly quit, and before the door even closed behind her, Atalya joined her. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. Dominique worries about being the bottom four last week, and wants to step her game up. The "doorbell" "rings", and the girls discover that they have been gifted with ugly purses containing ugly pants.

Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 1: She turns her nose up at the other girls' excitement, bragging in interview about how much more experience she has at modeling than they do. What this has to do with free jeans is beyond me.

Since Fatima has left off pushing Marvita's buttons, she has to find another handy target, and discussion of apple-bottoms leads her to Allison. She essentially calls Allison a fatass, and Allison stalks off, sniping that Fatima shouldn't say things like that to "the anorexic girl". She's anorexic? Maybe that's the modeling experience she was referring to. Fatima's, like, "Whoopsie! I didn't mean for my casual bitchery to land quite that hard!"

The new, electronic Tyra Mail is spectacularly annoying, because the girls are compelled to read each one aloud, in unison, one. Word. At. A. Time. EXCEPT. THEY. SHOUT. AS. THEY. DO. IT. Ugh. The mail is typically vague, and the girls are shuffled out of the pad at 5:00 AM the next day. It's time for a challenge. One which will undoubtedly reveal who has the most high-fashion modeling potential. Are they going to Milan? Having a meeting with Tim Gunn? Heavens, no. If there's one thing top models need to know how to do, it's run around Wal-Mart putting on cheap cosmetics. Seriously, I saw Gisele walking into one just the other day. In case my sarcasm isn't apparent, the girls go to the trashiest company in America, where they are given five minutes to get made up. The girls scatter. Lauren reminds us for the second time in three minutes that she's not a very girly girl. We get it, Lauren. Thanks.

Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 2: "I sound like a horrible person for saying this, but I'm doing better than a lot of the girls. Especially Fatima."

Wow, that's not transparent at all. Time runs out. The judges love Claire and Whitney, give Lauren fair marks, and pan Fatima and Allison. Hah! Claire wins the makeup challenge, and while the challenge itself is laughably dumb, I'm loving me some Claire these days, so yay! She's told she's going to be on the Wal-Mart website, and her face is a polite smile over an "Um...great! I'll try to be a role model for the toothless women with seventeen kids that will see me!" expression.

Back at the pad, there's a few minutes of boring blah about how seriously the girls with children (Claire and Dominique) are taking the competition. As with Renee, I get where they're coming from, but if they really want to provide a better life for their kids, how about eschewing reality television, for oh, say...a JOB? Meanwhile, in the other room, some of the girls are playing with dolls.

Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 3: In an effort to get back at Fatima for the apple-butt crack, she stuffs Kleenex down the black doll's pants. Not to represent just Fatima, but for all the fatass black women in the world. Then she implies that all black women like to be slammed anally.

Rut roh! Fatima yells at her, though not half as ferociously as I was expecting. One good punch would snap Allison in two, and in this case, I was hoping Fatima would deliver. No such luck. Allison snottily defends herself (#4) by saying Fatima made fun of her body image. Oh, I guess that excuses racism. After all, they're all alike, aren't they? Feh. After the commercial break, some Tyra Mail hints at the upcoming makeovers. Indeed, the stretch cab drops the girls at a salon, where Tyra explains that the girls won't even know what's being done to them until it's over. Heh. I wonder how that would have gone over with Cassandra. Let's get to the stylin'!

Anya - Tyra wants to think her hair is dyed ash blond, but it's really just blond. Her "After" shot just doubles my confusion about why the judges seem to love her. Her mouth is twisted into a half snarl, and her nose takes up three quarters of her face.

Whitney - Gets a blond weave. It's a little too full, but she carries it well.

Aimee - Fire engine red. Also too full, like has Tyra been watching a lot of Dynasty lately?

Marvita - Gets what Tyra calls the "horse mane hair weave", in that the sides are kept short, but the middle is added to, and swept straight back. Marvita is totally ready to rule the Thunderdome.

Lauren - Tyra calls it a long blond weave with reddish highlights, but it's really a long red weave with blondish highlights. Is Tyra color blind?

Katarzyna - Keep working to pronounce that name, Tyra! You're not quite there yet! Katarzyna's hair gets darkened, which suits her much better than that multicolored funk she had going on before.

Claire - More of her hair is shaved off, and it's all dyed bright blond. This is where other girls would throw a big tantrum, but she's perfectly content. Go, Claire! I kind of liked her hair better in the "Before", but give me a chance to get used to it. I may come around.

Allison - Lightened into more of an auburn shade. I'm just glad she doesn't look like Sarah Silverman anymore.

Dominique - Ugh. What the fuck? So, they cut a bunch off, and volumized the rest into a foofy bowl cut. LabRat: "She looks like an aging tennis player." I cannot improve upon that description.

Stacy-Ann - Hair is cut off, save a bit of poofy frizz. She looks like a black dandelion.

Amis - From fug to fug. She's given a multicolored weave, but frankly, there isn't much you can do with this chick.

Fatima - Gets a painful chestnut weave. Allison makes fun of her suffering (#5). I love long hair on women, but for once, I feel like this would have looked better if it were a bit shorter. Still, she certainly looks better than that fried orange crap she had before.

After some Tyra Mail back at the pad, we segue into the next day, where the girls meet OJ down at a boat. He explains that they'll be out on the water, so that the Brooklyn Bridge will serve as backdrop for the photo. Oh, and he's wearing a metallic, silver, fur-lined trenchcoat. Classsssssay! The bridge doesn't have makeup or clothing to sell, so in order to shoehorn in as much advertising as possible, Elle Macpherson shows up to hock her line of lingerie, which the girls will be wearing in their photos. She chats with the girls as they get made up.

The shoot begins. Standouts include Claire, who rocks it out, Whitney, who's wearing more in this "lingerie" shoot than I'm wearing right now, and Lauren, who reminds us for the fifteenth time this episode that she's not girly and has trouble being "sexy". Allison is practicing facial expressions in the mirror, snottily reiterating (#6) that her vast modeling experience is an automatic advantage in this competition. Karma pops her in the face, as the photographer and OJ tell her she looks far too posed and aware. She allows delusion to flow through her, interviewing that she totally nailed the shoot. Dominique sucks as well, being told that her shots belong in a catalog. Well, if you hadn't given her that godawful 1994 soccer mom hairdo, maybe they wouldn't.

Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Allison, naturally, is totally secure in her safe passage to the next episode. Hahaha! Oh, and #7. After the commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a not-very-good shot of Tyra, with the bridge in the background. I'd like to see what the judges would say if one of the girls looked this dead-eyed. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is George, the photographer. Now, to the shots.

Wow, George deserves some kind of medal, because first up is Amis, and though she looks totally fug at panel, her shot is really good. Hey, did you know that Lauren isn't very girly? Well, she totally isn't! Her shot is terrific. George is a miracle worker. As is the digital editing team, I suppose. Marvita's shot is very strong and intriguing. Claire's is fairly good, though Tyra warns her against pursing her mouth when she raises her eyebrow. Fatima is compared to Iman again, and though her face looks good in the photo, the judges have an issue with her legs, and how they're pressed together. Katarzyna looks good, but Miss J and Paulina think her shot is a little too sex kitten, like Mail Order Bride #1. No, that was Natasha. Stacy-Ann's shot is fair, though she's lost her neck. Dominique. Cellulite! Tyra says her shots look like those sale pictures in newspapers. True, though again, half the reason is that shitty haircut you gave her. Aimee's shot is fine. She still bores me to tears. Anya's shot is all nose. Tyra inexplicably loves it.

Allison. Oh, this is too rich. As she walks up, Tyra tells her she looks so soft and pretty now. "I know!" Allison crows (#8). Nigel hints that sometimes "Thank you" is also an appropriate response to a compliment, and it flies right over Allison's head, and out the door. She stands there, giving pose after pose to show herself off. Nigel and Tyra actually sit there and discuss how clueless she is, and she still doesn't get it. Hahaha! Added to that, her photo is crap. Her legs look good, but her face is totally vacant. So much for all that mirror practice. Tyra doesn't like Whitney's shot, but has the grace to admit that it's not Whitney's fault. She's simply wearing way too much. I agree, but I actually think Whitney's working what she had on pretty well. The girls are dismissed.

Deliberations. Amis doesn't know her angles. Lauren's gawkiness works to her advantage. Marvita has a really strong picture. Claire's was a tad disappointing, and the shot doesn't do her justice. Fatima needs to move her bottom half. Katarzyna's shot is too slutty. Stacy-Ann has a lantern jaw. Dominique is matronly. Aimee is beautiful. Anya has potential (bleh), and the judges make fun of her accent some more. Yeah, her voice is aggravating. Allison is too posed, and conceited to boot. Whitney has to get more naked. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Lauren is safe. Marvita. Aimee. Claire. Stacy-Ann. Fatima. Anya. Whitney. Katarzyna. Amis. Will Dominique and Allison please step forward? Dominique has lost her diva attitude, and her shots suck. Allison is cocky, and her shots suck. Note that their detriments are exact opposites. Anyhow, Dominique is given her photo, and I could watch Allison's face crumble all day. Rewind, and...crumble! Rewind, and...crumble! Dominique gives her a hug. Tyra tells Allison to keep on striving. She leaves, and Miss J aims for drama as he peels her name off his shirt. I guess his schtick leaves something to be desired, as LabRat instantly dissolves into a puddle of giggles. In her final interview, Allison says she's just going to put her photos into her portfolio, suck it up, and keep going. Well, she's certainly got the "suck" part down. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Amis work Miss J's nerves at a runway demonstration in a...firehouse? Whatever. Fatima, with an assist from Dominique, spins her Target of the Week wheel, which lands on Whitney.

Overall Grade: B-