The Girl Who Needs A Miracle

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 3

Previously on America's Next Top Model: 13 girls moved into the unbelievably swank model pad, and set about doing what reality show model wannabes do best: ripping on people behind their backs. The girls took flight as superheroes, and Sarah took flight at the runway show as well. At the elimination, it came down to Sarah and Ashley, but since Ashley had shown no impulse to start making out with the other contestants, she was sent home. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Los Angeles. Sarah is relieved that she wasn't eliminated. Kim can't believe Ashley's gone. Yeah, what an amazing friendship you guys formed...two days ago. In an interview, Ebony calls the other girls "geezers". Heh. The girls receive their Tyra Mail, which clues them into the fact that they'll be getting their makeovers. Cassandra interviews that she has "natural beauty" and that she doesn't think she should have to change much. Well, I'd start by changing that dumbass tank top she's wearing, which has her name emblazoned across it on a hot pink background. Seriously, that shit is something my sister would have gotten in second grade and thrown away a year later because she realized how stupid it was. The girls get into their Monster Humvee and head to the salon, where they meet Tyra, OJ, and the salon's owner, Louis. Tyra tells them they have an idea for all of the girls. My idea for Nik is to stop pulling her hair back like that, because it makes her look like Cosmo Kramer.

Tyra outlines the ideas for each girl: Nicole is getting a weave to add more curl and volume. Coryn is going blond. Oh, for God's sake. Coryn is wearing the same tank top Cassandra is, but with her own name on it. Did these girls go to Disneyland and splurge on these as some kind of retarded bonding activity? Ugh. Diane is going to have her hair dyed a wheat color. Fugly Lisa is going to have her hair dyed darker to contrast her blue eyes. Ebony's having long braids put in. Eh. I like Ebony's hair now; those little twin poofs on top of her hair are kind of cute. Kyle's going from blond to chocolate brown. Jayla's going to have a big ol' weave put in to make her hair appear longer. Kim's getting hers dyed red. Sarah's having her hair cut, but not a great deal - looks like Tyra's thinking shoulder length. Nik's hair is going to be lightened, Bre's hair is going to be straightened, and Cassandra? Oh, dear. Tyra says "Have you ever seen that movie Rosemary's Baby, starring Mia Farrow?" She shakes her head nervously. Kim, I think it's safe to say, has seen it, because she pumps her arm and mouths "YES!". That was really mean of her. It was also extremely funny. Tyra fills Cassandra in that they're cutting it all off and dyeing it blond. The tears are already welling in Cassandra's eyes, and she begins to cry. "Cassandra, why are you crying?" Tyra asks. Um, because you want to intentionally make her ugly? "I love my hair," Cassandra weeps. Tyra tells her it'll grow back. The other girls are already starting to roll their eyes like complete snots. You'll note that none of them are having all their hair cut off. I mean, yeah she's crying over her hair, which is always fun to ridicule, but she doesn't throw a tantrum like some of the girls on other seasons who had changes much less drastic (Cycle One Ebony's ears are burning something fierce about now). Plus, and I don't think I'm giving too much away here, she's got pretty good reason to cry over this particular transformation.

As the stylists get started, Sarah and Fugly Lisa comfort Cassandra each in their own way. That is, Sarah rubs her shoulder in sympathy, and Fugly Lisa bitchily implies she's making a big deal out of nothing. Have I mentioned I don't care much for Fugly Lisa? Ebony's pleased to see Cassandra cry, because she never shows her emotion or whatever. The hair is hacked. OJ reminds her that she said in casting that she'd do what they told her (which is a good point) and that she should trust him (which isn't). She replies that it's hard for her, but that she did, in fact, do it, subtly implying that he can quit with the needling. Have I mentioned I do care much for Cassandra? Like I said last week, I really have no reason to like her, but she's somehow become one of my favorites. The makeovers continue. Kim bitches that no boy has the color hair that they've given her, which messes with her personal style. It's not even that different! I feel my Kim love kind of slipping away. OJ tells the stylist to clip Bre's nose hairs. Heh. OJ complains about Cassandra's crying. Fuck off, troll. You told her to cut her hair and SHE DID IT. God, not everyone has to be as excited about their ugly hairdos as you are about yours. Sarah looks a billion times better, and is wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a tractor and the word "Fulton" on it. Awesome! I've got friends from there. Go, Sarah!

OJ wanders around and assigns each girl a personal style that they'll have to embody. I'll just say right now that most of these "styles" are pure bullshit that sound like he made them up on the spot. Bre will be "ghetto fabulous". She looks gorgeous with the straighter hair. Nicole will be "90's wide-eyed supermodel". See? What does that even mean? Did models in the '90s have wider eyes than in other decades? I'm not wild about her makeover. Tyra told her it was going to be more voluminous, which it is, but it looks like 99% of that volume went straight to her bangs. Yeah, mall bangs were the style in the '90s, but I haven't really met anyone who's anxious to revive this particular fad. Tyra also said her hair would be curlier, which it's not. She also said Fugly Lisa was going to have darker hair, which she doesn't. Heh, nobody listens to Tyra. Fugly Lisa's style is "supermodel with a twist". Again, that is totally meaningless. She looks a ton better, but pisses all over the moment by bragging about how beautiful she is, so that Fugly title won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Sarah's new style is "Ralph Lauren chic". Does that mean more preppy or something? I don't think that would suit Sarah much. She looks terrific. Kim will be "femme boy", and frankly doesn't look much different than she did when she came in. Her hair's auburn now, but that's about it. Jayla's new style is "Yves St. Lauren chic". I have no idea what that means. She looks fairly good with long hair. Nothing extraordinary, though. Diane. "Dressy casual", which means they couldn't think of a real style for her. I do like the lighter hair, though she'd look good in pretty much any hair color. Her face is that striking. Coryn's style is "sophisticated". Yes, I'm sure the girl with the drug addict mother will have no trouble pulling that off. She looks a lot like Tyra after the makeover, but not as much as Kesse did back in Cycle One. Kyle. "Chanel with an edge". Whatever. I didn't think I'd like her with dark hair, but I do. She looks good. Nik's style will be "bohemian chic". At least that one makes sense. Her fro's a little much, but she looks good overall. Ebony shall be "sophisticated with an edge". The braids look good. Cassandra's new style is "mod with an edge". Too bad her new style isn't "ugly ass haircut" because that's what she got. She looks awful. OJ tells everyone to work on their new styles.

Tyra Mail. It talks about "fashion cred", which Cassandra takes to mean that they're going shopping. I don't know where she got that from, but she's right, so what do I know? Nicole and Ebony go into the confessional and make fun of Cassandra's obsession with her hair. She does seem to be going on and on about it. Still, what do you think Nicole or Ebony's reaction would have been if they had gotten all of their hair chopped off and dyed to look like Dennis the Menace? Overjoyed? Nicole couldn't even buy chapstick without pitching a fit. Kyle thinks Cassandra's attitude about her hair might hurt her in the competition. Can't argue with that.

Commercials. Mmm...Reese's cookies. Strange that they'd show that during a modeling show, but I'm not complaining.

Morning. Kim complains about Cassandra's hair issues. Cassandra tells her boyfriend over the phone that he'll hate her new look. I've never met him and I don't know his tastes, but yes he will. The girls take the Monster Humvee (that thing needs a name) to Rodeo Drive. A man dressed basically in a clown suit comes out and introduces himself to jaunty circus music. He's James St. James, a "club kid" and personal style advocate. I'd say "pathetic attention whore" would be his personal style, and he embraces it in spades. He explains the challenge. Each girl gets $500 and 90 minutes to get an outfit that most fits the personal style that OJ assigned. The winner gets to keep her outfit. The girls run down the street and James chases them, holding a megaphone. This is creepy. It's like he's hunting them down so he can eat them. Cassandra doesn't really understand the mod style and asks Ebony for help. I don't really get the mod thing either. Does that mean modern? When I think mod, I immediately leap to swinging '60s style, like what they wore on Laugh-In or go-go dancers or something. I don't know. My friend Val would know more about it. The girls shop as the scary clown stalks them through the streets. This is more chilling than It. Fugly Lisa says she's a wardrobe assistant for a living, so she actually knows what she's doing. Damn. James will judge the challenge, and there's really not too much to say about it. Kim looks like she's trying out for the role of Sneed in Peter Pan. Diane and Nik look good, but James chooses Fugly Lisa as the winner. Fair enough. She gets to choose two friends, and she chooses Ebony and Kim (who thinks she should have won the challenge, which...not). Lisa gets to keep not only her outfit but three other items from the girls of her choice. Ebony and Kim each get to pick one item. They choose. It's boring. Sarah interviews that Fugly Lisa comes off as snotty and arrogant. I feel you, Sarah.

Back at the house, Fugly Lisa becomes completely intolerable, giving pointers to the other girls and saying things like "Are you listening? I'm trying to show you something." Kim looks like she's about to beat her in the face with a toaster. Kyle looks like she's on the brink of suicide. Kim mouths "Shut up!" in the background and does a freaking hilarious impression of Fugly Lisa once she leaves the room. Well, that scene had no point except to make Fugly Lisa look like a bitch, so I fully support it.

Commercials. Queen Latifah can do no wrong. She's a much cooler Cover Girl than Naima. And I like Naima!

Tyra Mail. It incorporates the phrase "seeing double". It instructs the girls to be ready at 6 AM, which would certainly make me see double. Cassandra thinks she'll have trouble with her new hair, but that they gave her this style for a reason. I don't have the heart to tell Cassandra that the reason is to make her look ugly so that she'd cry on national television. Morning. The girls ride out to some farm country. The Monster Humvee looks even uglier in this setting. OJ instructs the girls to pick a partner. They do. He then tells them that each pair will compete head-to-head by wearing the same outfit to see who pulls it off better. That's an interesting idea. They meet the photographer, Craig. The first pair will be Nik Vs. Bre. Hah! There's even the sound of a boxing bell. This show is so cheesy. The outfit is like schoolmarm meets prostitute meets Willy Wonka. Next is Sarah Vs. Coryn. They each hold a horse, and it snots all over Sarah's dress. Hehehe. They both do well. Fugly Lisa Vs. Ebony. Fugly Lisa's done her posing homework. Ebony completely sucks. Nicole Vs. Diane. Now, I like Diane and dislike Nicole, but even I can't ignore the fact that Nicole clearly blows her out of the water here. Kyle Vs. Kim. Kyle isn't done any favors by the fact that they've blown her hair out. Kim looks better in the outfit, which is weird. Jayla Vs. Cassandra. Cassandra's lucky here, because as bad as her hair looks, she at least knows how to pose, whereas Jayla seems out of her element. OJ hates Cassandra, which doesn't bode well for her. We all saw what falling out of Jay's favor did to Cycle One's Nicole. It's just as much bullshit now as it was then. Tyra Mail. Elimination the next day. Ebony is nervous. Fugly Lisa is confident. Cassandra says that pageants help you develop as a woman, whereas modeling is just more of a career. Huh? What the fuck is she talking about? Make sense, woman!

Commercials. Queen Latifah can still do no wrong, even though she's voicing-over this obnoxious Pizza Hut commercial.

We go into the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Naima and Tyra in the same dress. What's funny is that Naima is posed to look completely inferior to Tyra, who's standing proud. Stroke that ego, Tyra. You're far too timid. She introduces the judges, including guest judge James St. James. Nik! Stop pulling your damn hair back! The photos will be judged against each girl's partner. Whoever's got the better photo is automatically safe. That's interesting because... Well, we'll talk about it after the judges do. Sarah and Coryn are up first. They both look really good. If forced to choose, I'd pick Sarah, but I wouldn't disagree either way. Kyle and Kim. Yeah, Kyle's hair doesn't look good in this picture. Maybe the hat's messing it up or something. Cassandra and Jayla. Nigel tells Cassandra he loves her makeover. He's sweet to lie like that. Tyra's not happy with it, because it's not what she told the stylists to do. Twiggy discusses what it was like to get all of her hair chopped off, and that it changed her life. True, that. Tyra's not thrilled with Jayla's new hair, either. She tells both of them that if they survive this week, they're getting new looks. Now, to the photos. Cassandra is the clear winner in my eyes, and I'm not saying that because I like her. Jayla's too hunched over and her face is slack. Ebony and Fugly Lisa. This is hard for me. Very hard. OK, here goes. Fugly Lisa looks completely awesome. I don't know what it is about her, but she always looks very overblown and harsh in the show itself, but wonderful in her photographs. Helping her is the fact that Ebony looks like shit. She's kind of the inverse of Fugly Lisa. She's lovely in interviews and such, but her pictures just don't work. Nicole and Diane. Diane's too withdrawn and covered up in her photo. It pains me to say Nicole looks much better, but she does. Nik and Bre. They make Nik take her hair down. Thank God. They both rocked the photo, but the contrast between Nik's afro and the black dress is much prettier than Bre's black-on-black look. Plus, Nik is doing a really cool pose. How does she bend her butt like that without breaking her spine?

Commercials. Oh, another good reason to be gay. If some bitch took my razor and used it to shave her legs, I'd find a new use for it. One that involved her jugular.

Deliberations. Cassandra is pinched, but Jayla sucks too. Diane is ungainly. Ebony hasn't taken a good photo to date. Blah dee blah. Elimination. The six girls who "win" each of their mini-competitions is automatically granted safety in the overall competition. Cassandra is chosen first. See, this is what's weird, because if they just went on an individual basis, Cassandra might well have been in danger of being eliminated, but was saved by a poor performance from Jayla. So in a sense, it doesn't matter how crappy your photo is this week (although I don't think Cassandra's was as crappy as the judges say) as long as your partner was crappier. Conversely, if you take a great shot normally, but happen to lose to someone who had a good day (like in the Kyle/Kim showdown), you might find yourself out. It'd be interesting to see who would be eliminated if the pairings had been done another way.

Anyway, Cassandra's safe. Nicole. Coryn. Kim. Fugly Lisa. Nik. Now, one of the six "losers" will be the ultimate loser of the week. Bre is safe. Jayla. Sarah. Kyle. Will Diane and Ebony please step forward? Diane, your personality isn't being captured in photos. True. Ebony, you suck overall. True. Yes, Diane gets her photo, and Ebony will be the one to go. I don't hate Ebony, but this was the right choice. If you can't take a good picture, you can't be a model. Don't get it twisted. The girls cry. Well, Cassandra doesn't, because we're supposed to think she's a robot with no emotion. Man, I think they play the same "girl goes home" music every week. Ebony's sad. She says it's hard to hear people tell you that your dream will stay just that. She's remarkably composed about it for an eighteen-year-old girl, and says that this particular door has been closed, but that she'll just knock on twenty other ones. Good on you, Ebony. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Miss J shows up as a funhouse version of Esther Williams. Sarah and Kim are totally going to do it.

Overall Grade: C