Common Threads

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Improv comedy. Spike finally got to make his soup, much to Antonia's chagrin. Ptom threatened Antonia with elimination, but it was Jennifer who took the long walk. The lesbians just can't catch a break this season. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Oooh, Haagen Dazs! Yes, please.

Morning in Chicago. Lisa smokes a cigarette out on the deck, her customary expression of "What the fuck you lookin' at?" settled on her face. Stephanie, who's been among the judges' favorites, finally saw what it felt like to be at the losers' table, and she's not a fan. Antonia, also not happy to have been at the losers' table, grouchily declares that fuck it, she's just going to stick to her guns from now on. Has she...not been doing that? Seems to me she's been plenty stalwart, but whatever. Mark wants to kick-start his American career. The chefs drag themselves out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stroll into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Art Smith. He's won award for writing cookbooks and for humanitarianism, but apparently the real scoop is that he's Oprah's personal chef. Despite what several of the websites I read avow, not everyone's in the Cult of Oprah, so this is news to me. News I don't particularly care about. He seems like a personable fellow, so yay for that. Normally, I don't mention product placement in this blog, cause it's not like I'm getting cut any checks. Still, I'll willingly cheer for products I like, and these microwaveable packets of Uncle Ben's rice is one of them. Seriously, they're good and they're fast. They figure into today's Quickfire, which is all about speed and efficiency. The chefs have only fifteen minutes to throw together an entree. Lisa, half-amused and half-grumpy, interviews that this will lead to complete chaos. Padma says they're welcome to use the ninety-second packets of rice for an assist, and starts the clock.

Chefs scatter more violently than usual. Richard interviews that quick food doesn't really dovetail with his style of cooking. Everyone runs all over, trying not to collide. Dale says that it's helpful that a lot of Asian dishes are naturally fast, coming together quickly under intense heat. Stephanie improvs a week too late, throwing together some scallop pancakes that she's never made before. Spike returns to his Greek roots by stuffing some peppers with a rice mixture. Antonia falls back on an old family favorite: Rice salad. She assures us it tastes better than it sounds. Mad chopping and pouring montage. A blender makes a cyclone of rice that looks super-cool. Richard abandons any hope of making something refined, and concentrates on making sure the dish is complete and seasoned properly. I'm not sure how I feel about his overall personality, but I really like Richard's ruthless efficiency and his ostentation-free competence; they're surprisingly rare characteristics in most reality show competitors. Harold also had that combination, and look where that got him. Mark says that this is the most difficult Quickfire, and although he's tasted all the components of his miso-glazed turkey, he didn't taste everything together. Well, sure. Milk chocolate is good, and macaroni and cheese is good, so they must be awesome together, right? Time runs out.

Padma and Art go down the line. Antonia's rice salad is made of arugula, red onion, and cherry tomatoes, and is augmented by some skirt steak on the side. Art likes the combination of cold and hot. Nikki has made a simple vegetable fried rice, which was a good idea, if not very inventive. She's put a bowl of soy sauce on the side, saying that she always slathers her fried rice in it. Me too, Nikki. Art seems to enjoy it. Richard has made a quick tuna steak with tomatoes and truffle oil over the rice, and has a yuzu vinaigrette. Art likes the yuzu with the tomato, which Richard actually seems surprised by. Stephanie explains her unfamiliarity with her scallop pancakes, which were also made with brown rice, and is topped with greens. Art says that it was a clever idea. Stephanie hopes to finally nail down some immunity.

Spike's peppers are stuffed with veal, port, and a rice wine vinegar sauce. Art says that it's wonderful, and a great way to serve a vegetable. Lisa's plate is messy, and includes rice, corn, black beans, peppers, grilled shrimp, lime juice, tequila-sauteed onions, and an avocado cream. Well, it's messy, but it sounds good. Art says something non-committal about the acid from the lime juice. Dale has pineapple fried rice with grilled scallops and some Chinese long beans. Art likes the use of an often-ignored vegetable. Mark's turkey is the first dish to get an out-and-out criticism. Both judges find it much too dry. Andrew has crusted some fish with almonds and rice, and serves it with a sun-dried tomato pesto. Art says it's a clever idea, but that Andrew needs more than fifteen minutes to get this one right. Andrew is, like, "yep".

Results. Bottom three first. Mark's dish didn't work at all. Stephanie's idea was good, but the cake was heavy and the scallops were unnecessary. Man, she blows at Quickfires. Lisa's food was unoriginal. Now, to the top three. Dale's food tasted good, and was a complete meal. Richard's yuzu was delicious on the tomato. Antonia's rice salad and steak mixed cold and hot well. So well that she wins the challenge and its attendant immunity. She takes it as another sign to stay true to who she is. All right then.

Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that Art spearheads an initiative to get families to eat together. It's an extremely worthy idea, but if that's the extent of his "humanitarianism" referred to before, I call bullshit. Antonia is very supportive of this goal, saying that she grew up eating dinner with the family, and tries to do so with her own daughter as much as possible. I'm not sure how much that can be when you're a restaurant chef. I'd imagine that the dinner hours are taken up by... You know, other people's dinners. Padma says that families need to figure out how to make simple, affordable, nutritious meals, which figures into today's challenge. The chefs are to make a nutritious, complete dinner for a family of four, simple enough to be cooked at home with a bunch of ankle-biters running around. The real kicker is that they've only got ten dollars to do it. Yikes. Predictably, the single chefs (well, Andrew) are all "Whaaaaaaaaa?", while Antonia points out that not all of us get weekly wads of cash to drop at gourmet grocery stores. After shopping, the chefs will prep their food at a culinary institute. Everyone's dismissed.

Commercials. Okay, there is such a thing as a French fry that's too crispy. Let's not go nuts.

The chefs stream into Whole Foods for half an hour of shopping time with their ten bucks. Now, a lot of adjectives apply to Whole Foods, but I've got to tell you, "inexpensive" is not one of them. The last thing I bought there was some chicken breast that wasn't even a pound and a half, and that alone almost ran me ten dollars. So when the chefs charge to the poultry counter and load up on meat (chicken in most cases, turkey bratwurst for Dale), and still have money left over for organic vegetables, and whole wheat pasta, and whatever else, I'm suspicious. I guess they get access to a bunch of free ingredients back at the Kitchen, which is fine, but then let's not pretend that these meals actually cost ten dollars. Stephanie's mom raised her on gourmet food with little regard to cost, so she wanders around the aisles, flustered. Antonia, meanwhile, puts her mad phat single mom skillz to work. Mark compiles ingredients for a vegetable curry. As everyone checks out, they do what they can to avoid going overbudget. Antonia is literally peeling leaves of bok choy away to lower her bill by a quarter. Eventually, everyone makes it through.

Later that evening, Mark sits on his bed and plays a didgeridoo. I guess it's required by law to learn if you're from Australia or New Zealand. Antonia calls her daughter back home, and the entire conversation is cute as hell, especially the inclusion of a knock-knock joke I've never heard before.

Antonia: "Knock-knock."
Daughter: "Who's there?"
Antonia: "Smell mop."
Daughter: "Smell mop who?"
Antonia: "Get it?"
Daughter: "No..."
Antonia: "Smell mah poo."
Daughter and Limecrete: "Hahahaha!"

Antonia vows to us that she'll cook as hard as she can every single day, until she can't cook anymore. It's refreshing to see a contestant referencing her family back home without sounding like she was forced against her will to leave.

The next morning, the chefs head for the Washburne Culinary Institute, which appears to be housed in a community college. Everyone is still setting up when Padma and Art come in, and Padma asks everyone to gather around. You, madam, are no Tim Gunn. She smiles that the chefs will have some extra help today. Nikki looks like she knows exactly what's coming. The door opens, and some kids enter in big chef hats that threaten to swallow their heads. They're introduced as members of the program Art runs. Antonia's face crumbles. She's been doing well with focusing on the competition, but working with kids makes her a bit emotional, and she says that if she winds up with a girl, she'll probably wind up crying through the whole challenge. Padma thanks the kids for helping out, then pairs them off with chefs. Stephanie's kid is practically as tall as she is. Heh, I feel you on that one, Stephanie. Andrew says it's an honor to work with his assistant, bowing politely. Luckily for Antonia, she gets a boy. Everyone seems perfectly content to look after the kids, and I wonder to myself how Tiffani would have handled this challenge.

Everyone gets started on prep work, and we're let in on some menus. Lisa is making chicken breasts with edamame, lime, and black beans, and there will be some white bread with peanut butter and apple. She says that her girlfriend has a kid who loves to cook, and it's great when he wants to help out. Her assistant isn't too keen on garlic, so she merrily trashes it. Heh. Richard works on chicken thighs, and will also be including beet, avocado, lime, jalapeno, apple, black beans, and ginger root. He's a bit concerned with how the beets will go over with kids. Yeah, beets are tricky. Antonia sets about making a stir fry with linguine, chicken breast, bok choy, carrots, onion, red pepper, and edamame. After ascertaining that her assistant won't chop his hand off, she turns the veggies over to him. Spike knows spaghetti is a big hit in Kid World, so he's making some with pasta sauce, capers, olives, and Parmesan. There's also going to be a carrot soup with oranges, and some baked apples. His assistant tries to peel a carrot, and almost immediately nicks himself. Yep, that's how you learn. Geysers of blood is how I learned how to (or rather, how NOT to) cut the skin off a sausage. They head over to the sink to rinse the cut, and Spike's assistant shakes off the pain and gets back on peeling the carrots. Atta boy.

Mark tries to describe curry to his assistant. He says that trying new foods can be daunting, and Lisa agrees in interview that curry for a family meal is probably not the best idea, as it's too complicated. Mark's curry includes curry paste, coconut milk, sweet potatoes, cucumber, and naan. Mmm...naan. Haven't had that in far too long. Nikki pours out a liberal amount of olive oil, asking her assistant if she likes it. Sure, who doesn't? Nikki's roasting chicken with red potatoes and Brussels sprouts, with an apple/grape tomato/cucumber salad on the side. She tells us she was raised by a single parent, and started cooking for herself when she was about eight. Dale puts his assistant to work, and explains his menu of turkey bratwurst, potatoes, onions, red cabbage, apples, salsa, and mustard. He says that his assistant is the smallest kid there, which he can empathize with. Dale actually achieves charm for once, as he rues plateauing at 5'5" in seventh grade, which crushed his dreams of playing basketball. Andrew sets up an assembly line of sorts for his assistant to bread the chicken thighs in crumbs, egg, and Parmesan. There'll also be a fennel salad.

Kender: "He can't stop breading things."

Andrew laments the state of healthy eating in America, saying that he, himself used to weigh over 200 pounds in high school, and had to lose a lot of weight. Well, that crack addiction seems to have done the trick. Stephanie and her assistant work on a vegetable couscous that includes eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, and Parmesan. The couscous is topped with some chicken in a peanut butter/tomato sauce. Yes, you read that correctly. There is also an apple/yogurt/granola dessert that Stephanie's assistant takes charge of.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He's really good with the kids, which is heartening. We find out he's going to be spending the entire time in the kitchen, I guess to make sure the chefs are actually allowing the kids to help out, and to see how simple the dishes are to prepare. Cooking montage. Chefs and their kids begin to plate. Time runs out. High fives are exchanged.

Commercials. If you drink your beer at a certain temperature, women will want to have sex with you.

The judges (Padma, Gail, and Art) come into the culinary institute's dining room, and greet the tables full of kids. I wonder how many portions of each dish had to be made, because there is no way in hell ten bucks could feed this many people. Richard's food is brought out first, and out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone's playing Connect Four. Oh, sweet. Try to get him diagonally! Pretty sneaky, sis! His assistant gets to sit with some other kids to eat, and Richard brings his roasted chicken with black beans, apple, and avocado/beet salad to the judges. Everyone likes it, though Art would have taken the skin off the chicken. OK, I know they're supposed to be making nutritious food, but the skin's the best part! Lisa brings out her roasted chicken with edamame and black beans. Her assistant has smeared bread with peanut butter and done an artistic arrangement of apples on top. The judges aren't wild about the chicken, but do like the side snack.

Dale comes out with his turkey bratwurst, which looks tasty. One of the kids worriedly asks how spicy it is. Heh. The judges find the cabbage strong, which Padma says is fine for some people, but when you're cooking for a family of varying tastes, the flavors should be more universal. I guess I can see where she's coming from with that, though I don't necessarily agree. Spike's table is thrilled to see the spaghetti, and it looks like he's been able to do the most with his budget. His assistant explains to Gail that they've made pasta puttanesca, carrot soup with oranges, and semi-baked apples. Spike says the apples didn't have time to bake all the way, but are still okay. Art slurps up some noodles.

LabRat: "Oh, yeah. You know he likes pasta."

The judges really like the flavor, and the amount of vegetables that went into it. Nikki is happy with the way her chicken came out, as are the judges. Art is particularly impressed that it was prepared in one pot, which I'm glad they gave some attention to. I'm always seeing online recipes and television cooks proudly brag about how simple something is, then go on to describe the thirty-three dishes, utensils, and instruments I'll need to make it. I don't have a dishwasher. If I can throw a meal together in twenty minutes, but it takes twice as long to clean up afterwards, that's not what I'd call "simple". Anyway, Gail likes how complete Nikki's dish is.

Ptom chows down in the kitchen, which makes Mark nervous. He takes his vegetable curry out to the other judges, and lets his assistant explain that it comes with cinnamon rice and cucumber salad. The judges think the curry is far too sweet, and that the dish doesn't have enough protein in it. Antonia brings out her chicken and vegetable stir fry with whole wheat noodles. It looks really good. Damn, I've got to stop sitting down to write these entries before I eat. Padma says Antonia's dish has trumped Spike's spaghetti. Gail points out that Antonia certainly knows what she's doing in this challenge, as it's what she does in real life. Andrew brings out his chicken paillard. Ah, so that explains why we saw his assistant beating the chicken with a frying pan. Art finds it to be a very well-executed dish. Stephanie brings out her veggie couscous and chicken in peanut butter/tomato sauce. There's also a simple plate of apples mixed with yogurt and granola. The judges don't like the couscous at all, and Gail says that the dish is a good example of a restaurant chef that obviously doesn't cook much at home. Ouch.

We have a slight break with tradition, as Ptom is the one to congratulate the chefs and tells them that he'll see them at Judges' Table. The chefs wander out, and Ptom joins the other judges out in the dining room. He tells them how the chefs did a good job of letting the kids get involved with the cooking. Nikki's dish was colorful, delicious, and presented well. Antonia's dish was unsurprisingly successful. Ptom adds that Antonia told him that it's one of the dishes Antonia makes with her daughter at home. On the other hand, Lisa's dish was a bland plate of food, and Stephanie's peanut butter/tomato sauce was way off. We spend a brief moment back with the chefs so we can hear that Richard's anxious to get home and impregnate his wife.

Commercials. No need to do Dr. Phil imitations anymore. Imitations are for culturally relevant people.

Fret 'n' sweat. The chefs talk about how awesome their assistants were. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Andrew, Nikki, and Antonia to Judges' Table. They are, of course, the top three of the challenge, and are happy to hear it. Nikki's one-pot dish was a great idea, and was well-seasoned. Andrew made fruit accessible in a savory dish, and introduced fennel to children in an intelligent way. Antonia's stir fry was delicious and delicate. Gail points out that these dishes prove that it's not necessary to dumb food down for children. Art gets to announce the challenge winner. It's Antonia, with the rare double win. Well, if you ignore that Richard pulled off the same feat last week. I guess it's not as rare as I'd like to think. She's happy, saying it would have been embarrassing to lose at this challenge, and dedicates the win to her daughter. Unfortunately, the only thing her daughter receives is the duty of sending out this week's losing chefs. There's some quick applause for Antonia in the Kitchen, before she says that the judges want to see Lisa, Stephanie, and Mark. Wow, it's the same bottom three as in the Quickfire. Not a good week for these guys.

The Odd Asian music must be on vacation this week, but our friend the gong is still around. Lisa is already scowling. Stephanie looks petrified. Mark's expression never changes. Like, ever. Padma duhs that the three of them had the least successful dishes. Stephanie is asked why she thinks she's here, and she guesses that her dish wasn't simple enough. Ptom says that the big problem was the bizarre combination of peanut butter and tomatoes. Art says the portion was too large, which I refuse to accept as a valid criticism, and that the couscous wasn't right. Stephanie agrees that it was slightly overcooked, and answers in the affirmative when asked if she spent her entire budget. No, dorks, she spent six bucks and pocketed the rest so she could get a box of Cap'n Crunch.

Mark says he tasted the curry before it went out, and that he was fine with it. He doesn't know why he's at the losers' table, guessing that it's because Ptom doesn't like him. Ptom cracks up, and says he hopes Mark isn't serious. Mark appears to be at least half-serious, saying Ptom is really difficult to please. Art and Gail say that Mark could have put a lot more vegetables and more protein into the dish. Mark says that there are plenty of vegetarian dishes lacking protein in restaurants everywhere, so he doesn't really get the point of the criticism. The judges don't have a response to that. Lisa snaps that she enjoyed her dish, but lets her voice relax when she says that she thought it was nutritious, balanced, and had some sweetness at the end. Ptom says he found the beans and edamame undercooked and underseasoned. Yeah, I love edamame, but you have to salt the shit out of it. Lisa scowls some more.

Tiffany: "She looks like she's got mono."
Limecrete: "She could suck a lemon from here to Tupelo."
Tiffany: "She was weaned on a pickle."

Lisa says that she's learned her lesson from the last challenge, and tried to stick to the rules of this one: Originality, simplicity, nutrition, and affordability. She implies that the tight budget meant getting supplies that aren't as good. That doesn't really explain the underseasoning, but I see what she means. Ptom says she hit the points of the challenge, but that the beans just needed more flavor. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. Lisa can't take criticism. Her food was beautiful, but flavorless. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa's saying that if she was expecting a criticism, it would be that the food would be overseasoned, not under. That's not the first time we've heard that, and I have to wonder if the judges' palates have been hit with so much spice, they can't taste anything that isn't a punch to the uvula. Mark's curry was sloppy and unappealing. Ptom thinks he didn't spend his money wisely. Stephanie has made sensible, well-thought decisions up until this week. Her sauce was disgusting, and Padma detested it. Art says that couscous should be easy, and Stephanie's was mush on a plate. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Feel free to keep inundating us with these ads, Bravo. I'm still not watching a knockoff of a knockoff of a dancing show.

Elimination. Ptom is once again forced into using horrible puns, saying that the "common thread" of these dishes is that they weren't good. Stephanie's sauce was off-putting. Mark didn't use his money well, and the dish never came together. Lisa's meal was plenty nutritious, but lacked flavor. He hands it over to Padma for the chopping. Mark, please pack your knives and go. Stephanie lets her breath out. Ptom adds a bit defensively that for the record, he doesn't dislike Mark; that he's a good competitor and fun to be around. Mark is surprised to be eliminated, as most people are on this show. He's not bitter, though, saying that it'll be a valuable stepping stone and was good experience. He thinks the other chefs are great people, and will continue to work towards owning his own restaurant. Peachy.

Next week on Top Chef: Yes, I actually watched the preview for once. Why not, since they went ahead and ruined it during the commercials in this episode? A long night of cooking drives the chefs crazy. Wedding food. Uh, oh.

Overall Grade: B