Wedding Wars

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Mark played the didgeridoo. Mark didn't cook very well. Mark got eliminated. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Not a damn thing. Not even a glass of water.

Morning in Chicago. Andrew and Spike are bummed that Mark's gone. Meanwhile, the ladies are preparing for battle, or so the music would have us think. Antonia says that this is the first time four women have made it this far in the competition. Nikki agrees that women have to be fighters and competitors. I think I know which way the wind is blowing, here. Nikki's too nice and Lisa's got too much of a bull's-eye on her forehead, but I firmly believe Antonia or Stephanie is going to win this season. Feel free to look back on this entry in hindsight and laugh at me if I'm wrong. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma. Padma tells everyone that the Quickfire winner will no longer get immunity from elimination. She goes on to say that this week, they'll be bringing back two "all time, top favorite" challenges. I'm immediately filled with dread, as I've never bought what these folks try to pass off as "favorite". The chefs draw knives to split themselves into two teams, which wind up being:

Dale/Lisa/Nikki/Spike
Andrew/Richard/Stephanie/Antonia

Yeesh, what a divide. Take a look at those teams, and identify everyone who's ever started a pissy fight, shoved blame/responsibility off onto someone else in front of the judges, or is just generally hopeless in team situations. Notice something? Like how they're all on that first team? This is going to be a bloodbath, and to illustrate that, I'll just have to refer to one team in glowing terms and the other in much more dire ones. Dale disdains his teammates' cooking skills. Lisa not-so-fondly remembers what it's like to work with Dale, but says she hasn't had the opportunity to really work with Spike or Nikki.

Tiffany: "I'll be a bitch to anyone; I'm not picky."

My dread about the challenges is somewhat relieved when the Quickfire turns out to be the relay race, which I did enjoy. Anyhow, the four tasks are to peel and supreme five oranges, clean and turn two artichokes, clean and split a monkfish into two fillets, and make a quart of mayonnaise. The teams have two minutes to decide who does what, and the winning team will get an advantage. Team Sunshine decides to put Antonia on oranges, Andrew on artichokes, Richard on monkfish, and Stephanie on mayonnaise. Meanwhile, Team Cesspool is already having problems. Nobody wants to tackle the mayonnaise, which Dale ridicules in interview. He wonders why chefs who can't make mayonnaise by hand are still in the competition, and though he isn't on my Hanukkah card list, I'm with him on this one. Nikki finally takes on the mayonnaise, with reluctance.

The teams line up. Ptom readies his whistle. Ready? Go! Lisa smokes Antonia on the oranges. Dale helpfully points out a seed Lisa must dispose of, because he's all about teamwork. Antonia's still got about two oranges to go when Lisa is finished, and Spike gets started on the artichokes. He turns them before starting to peel. By the time he's done that, Antonia has finished with the oranges, and Andrew jumps onto the artichokes. It turns out that one of the pieces of equipment Andrew brought from home is a simple little peeler, and with this secret weapon, he demolishes Spike. That brings the teams neck and neck. Richard and Dale get started on the monkfish. I'm all about enjoying weird and exotic fish, but those suckers are pug fugly. They finish at about the same time, though Dale's aren't as pretty as Richard's. That's second-hand information from Lisa, by the way. They both look like hacked up fish fillets to me. So, it's down to Stephanie and Nikki on the mayonnaise. Do I even need to go into detail? Yes, despite Dale's ever-helpful "street" cheering, Team Sewage is vanquished.

Team Lollipop celebrates, but the mood is quickly killed by Dale slamming his hand into the lockers and screaming "FUCK!" No, really. Dale, who is presumably an adult, throws a massive shitfit, not because someone is directly challenging him, not because he's receiving what he feels is unfair criticism... No, he's screaming because he lost a challenge. This is how you can tell the difference between people who are truly competitive, and people who call themselves competitive, but really just mean that they want to win everything, all the time. What a douchebag. The other chefs hate him as much as I do, Antonia interviewing that it must be time for him to have his diaper changed. Snap!

Commercials. Why do I get the feeling that Jersey Boys is to the Tony what Gladiator was to the Oscar?

Padma and Ptom ignore Dale's tantrum, and move on to the Elimination Challenge. I guess that was their only option, short of offering him a thumb to suck on. The other "favorite" challenge this week is Restaurant Wars, but revamped. Two photogenic people enter, and Padma introduces them as a couple that is to be married tomorrow. So this season, it seems that Restaurant Wars is being melded to Wedding Bell Blues, which sounds about as appealing as combining gefilte fish and cherry cough syrup. In the entire history of this show, there have only been two challenges that got my blood boiling: That horrible, fucked up wedding challenge, and the horrible, fucked up boat challenge. Ironic that neither was in the horrible, fucked up second season. The chefs are understandably not so thrilled with this turn of events.

They'll stay divided into Team Rainbow and Team Phlegm, and each will cook for half the guests. One team will cook according to the bride's tastes, and one according to the groom's. Padma adds that the couple owns a restaurant and wedding venue, so there will no pulling the wool over these eyes. Are you ready to hear about the awesome "advantage" Team Orgasm receives for winning the Quickfire? They get to choose which person's guests to cook for! Isn't that awesome? Even though they don't know a single thing about either one of them, and they may as well flip a coin as to which one will be easier, if in fact either of them is? WOOOOOO! Seriously, this is the worst "advantage" since poor Brian won the chance to select which way he was going to be screwed over. And what a coincidence, it's the horrible, fucked up boat challenge!

Team Ice Cream chooses the bride, which is a little questionable, because... Oh, let's just let Spike and his Dick Tracy hat explain it. "She's gonna want this moment exactly the way she's envisioned it since she was fourteen years old." He's right. I worked at a wedding reception this very weekend, and the first thing out the bride's mouth was a complaint about the color ribbon her mom chose for the wedding cake. The chefs will have forty-five minutes to consult with their client, then an hour to shop for food and supplies (with a budget of $5000). As with the previous wedding challenge, they'll be working through the night. I can't wait to see what balls of sunshine these people are on no sleep. The one person who seems jazzed is Andrew, who overshares that he has "a culinary boner".

LabRat: "And when he shoots his wad, it's mayonnaise."

Padma turns the bride and groom over to the chefs, and starts the forty-five minute countdown. The groom tells Team Tetanus that he likes Italian food and outlines some ideas, like bruschetta and shrimp. Naturally, all heads turn to Nikki, who happily says that she and the groom have very similar palates. The bride and Richard are forming a similar bond, both being from the South. Team Jackpot has lucked out a bit, as the bride has very simple tastes. She likes the idea of pizza for a passed appetizer, and says that anything fried is fine by her. So they'll be going with a kind of meat and potatoes, comfort food menu. Sounds good. Antonia worries if it will be refined enough. The groom tells Team Landfill that he's partial to German chocolate cake. Eeeeeeeew, coconut. The bride doesn't care about the flavor; she just wants lots of layers and for it to look interesting. As usual, dessert, especially one of this magnitude, strikes terror into the chefs' hearts.

The bride and groom take their leave, and the chefs begin to plan their menus. Team Puppies hits upon an idea for pulled pork, but isn't as thrilled with Andrew's idea for a chicken nugget. As Antonia says, crispy chicken never stays crispy enough to serve. True enough. She doesn't seem too put off by it, and just lets Andrew babble. Over at Team Pond Scum, Nikki is saying that she wants to start off with a series of flatbreads. Lisa puts herself entirely in Nikki's hands. I give Lisa a lot of grief for being a sourpuss, but I have to say, she knows when to let others take over and when to stand her ground. That's a tough line to straddle, especially on this show. Dale makes a reasoned objection to Nikki's idea of wrapped figs, which gives Nikki an opportunity to interview about how nobody wants to be stuck with Dale on their team, because you know his finger is going to be pointed squarely at you the moment something goes wrong. Dale interviews that the people on his team don't get along (read: nobody likes him, but they have no problems with each other), and that he doesn't feel they are that strong as cooks. So in one breath, he's managed to combine disgust that nobody likes him with disgust that everyone around him sucks. That's some ability.

Time to get shopping. Half of each team heads to Whole Foods, while the other half goes to a warehouse kind of store. Spike intelligently sticks Dale with Lisa, knowing Lisa can handle him. Nikki, he says, has a tendency to get flustered, and would wilt if exposed to a teammate who debates and nags at every turn. Team Chocolate Chip doesn't have as much interpersonal stress, though Andrew makes the valid point that Richard naturally tends to step up as executive chef, and you have to have a strong voice to get your own point of view across. I'll spare you the pointless scene of flower selection. Supplies are purchased, and everyone heads back to the house.

9 PM. The chefs are dropped off at the Kitchen to get started on their all-nighter. I hope they managed to wedge in a nap before they came. They've got fourteen hours to get everything ready to serve their guests (125 per team). Lisa reiterates that the groom requested simple Italian food, and having no experience with that, she is relying entirely on Nikki. Team Audit's appetizers will be some assorted flatbreads and bruschetta. For the buffet, Nikki is making pasta again, and there will also be some mixed veggies and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass, and some orecchiette with ragu (meat-based sauce). Spike is dealing with all of the grilled vegetables, Dale works on the proteins, and Lisa devotes herself to the chocolate hazelnut cake. Dale says he can handle his workload with no problem, while Lisa frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake.

Team Ladybug divides up their work. Antonia is making two kinds of pizza, a pulled pork sandwich, and some short ribs with blue cheese in phyllo. Andrew and Richard work on the main courses, which will be Andrew's ill-advised crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach, and potato gratin. Stephanie will be making a dark chocolate cake with a cream cheese and lemon filling. She frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake. These people must see cakes in their nightmares. Richard is handling the bulk of the meat. That sentence didn't sound so dirty in my head. He wants to make sure that his wedding food isn't as sucky as most. Stephanie starts blending a gigantic bowl of chocolate. Mmm. Antonia peels potatoes, army style.

Spike and Lisa ask Nikki how she roasts her potatoes, and the fact that she's going to shoulder the burden of responsibility for this menu finally dawns on her. She hurriedly says that she's "down with not making all the decisions", but it's too late. The second she happily bonded with the groom over their identical palates, she became Team Poison Ivy's ad hoc leader. Lisa is not filled with respect over Nikki's waffling. Dale, meanwhile, is doing the majority of the grunt work. And in one breath, he manages to be extremely proud of his workhorse attitude, while complaining about how much he has to do. Another handy ability!

Commercials. While it'd be nice to have a free camera drop from the sky, I worry about the collateral damage.

At 11:15 PM, everyone's doing well, but by 2 AM, the strain is beginning to show. Andrew says he'll be spending the next five hours making creamed spinach. "I am literally buried in spinach," he says. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK, I know I babble about grammar a lot. But I swear I would take back every jibe about "myself" misuse, every gripe about subject/verb agreement, and every moan about apostrophe torture if people would just learn how to use the word literally. Well, maybe not the apostrophe torture. That drives me batshit, too. But at least apostrophe torture is the product of carelessness. It's not a conscious effort to emphasize a point. I said in the short version that if the only mark I made on the world were to get people to stop abusing literally, I would die a happy man. Once and for all, unless you're carrying a 2000-pound backpack, you do not "literally" have a ton of homework. Unless your parents are crazed psychopaths, they will not "literally" kill you if you break curfew. And Andrew, unless you plan to have a leafy green coffin, you are not "literally" buried in spinach. Phew, I feel better.

Richard makes some suggestions for the spinach, such as adding star anise. Andrew tells us in interview that Richard butting in is bullshit, but it doesn't look like he has the stones to tell Richard this directly. Meanwhile, Dale is looking after so many components of the menu, his work is starting to look shoddy. Lisa interviews that if only a small portion of what you make is good, what's the point of doing the rest? Which is true, and if Dale were better-liked, this is where his teammates would jump in to help out. But they don't. Care to guess the valuable lesson buried here? I'll bet you know what it is! Spike actually does take over the sea bass, but not because he's concerned about how much Dale has to do. He takes it so that he'll have something to show the judges that came purely from him, rather than just a bunch of grilled vegetables. Nikki checks in long enough to figure out that she and Dale have very different ideas about what goes into a ragu. Does Nikki outline her concerns to Dale? Does Dale ask for assistance with his myriad of tasks? The answer to both of these questions is the same.

At 5:33 AM, we're into the exhaustion phase. Nikki says she's dizzy, tired, and dehydrated. Um, I think I know the cure for that last one. You're cooking all night, not imprisoned in a Soviet gulag. Some chefs get slap-happy. Andrew stops chittering. Lisa tells Antonia that her facial expression hasn't changed for seven hours. Heh. At 7:33 AM, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Eesh, I wouldn't want to deal with this on a full night's sleep, let alone after an all-nighter. Ptom references Wedding Bell Blues, and hopes the challenge doesn't end up like that. On first viewing, I bellow a "fuck you" that fills Timiffany's house to the rafters. Lisa's almost done with her cake, though she tells Ptom that it still needs some finishing touches. Nikki makes another futile attempt to avoid being the creative force behind Team Pockmark's menu. Dale is so tired, he can't even remember what he's cooked. Ptom warns them not to dumb down their food, just because they have to serve 125 people at the same time. Sure, make everyone an individual rack of lamb shaped like their favorite animal.

His walkthrough complete, Ptom tells us that the chefs being exhausted will probably be a major factor. You think? He also thinks Lisa's cake is ugly and that Team Promotion has a harder menu as far as winning over a crowd goes. As time winds down, people pack up their food for transport. Stephanie says she's going to assemble the cake at the venue itself. Smart move. Lisa's is already assembled, so she guards it like the Hope Diamond, because if it smashes, she's hosed. Richard hopes to be able to say awake through the reception. I imagine having a chef pass out in the brisket is less than appetizing.

Commercials. I'm glad you're able to control your asthma, ma'am. Maybe now you can concentrate on the fact that you're just a silhouette. It seems a far more pressing medical problem.

Wedding. Forgive me, but I'm going to skip over anything that isn't chef-related. I'm sure the couple that scored a free wedding for allowing it to be televised will love each other until the end of time. The chefs have some additional prep time at the wedding venue, and everyone's tense and irritable. Stephanie assembles and decorates her cake. Ptom, Gail, and Padma enter just long enough introduce guest judge Gale Gand, who owns a restaurant and is a well-known pastry chef. Stephanie is not thrilled to serve a beginner's cake to the city's top cake maker. Wedding. Stephanie and Antonia move the cake out into the dining room. It's been decorated with flowers, and looks very nice, especially for someone with little to no pastry experience. Food is plated. An army of waiters enters. The reception starts. Hors d'oeuvres are served, starting with Antonia's short ribs in phyllo, which look good. The pulled pork sandwich with homemade pickle looks tasty, too, though the bride finds it a bit messy. The pizzas go over very well, so Team Happiness is living up to its name. Team Depression sends out their flatbread and sausage pizza. It gets some nods and approval. Dale's bruschetta, on the other hand, is really, really dry and crunchy. Guests can barely bite into it.

Everyone moves into the dining room for dinner, and the sun magically sets instantly. Richard girds himself for the onslaught of guests. Antonia says that she and Richard will work the line, Stephanie will run things back and forth, and Andrew's staying in the kitchen, and "not allowed to talk to the guests...seriously." Haha! That little beat is what made it genius. Dale complains that none of the people he despises and holds in utter contempt is helping him cook. Yeah, it's a puzzler. Richard fawns over the bride, saying if she doesn't like the food, it doesn't matter if everyone else does. Antonia serves some creamed spinach to a lady who says she herself makes a good one, and Antonia obediently makes a "Whoa, I'd better watch out, then!" face. Richard gives the judges some filet mignon with horseradish sauce and red wine syrup. The best sauce I ever had was made with reduced red wine, so I'm always excited to see one. He also serves his brisket, then sends the judges down to Antonia to serve Andrew's almond and basil-crusted chicken breast. Man, Kender was right. Enough with the breading.

The judges tuck in, and are immediately impressed with Team Unicorn's food. Ptom says the horseradish sauce is delicious, and he almost never gives praise that high. Not everything gets raves. As Antonia predicted, Andrew's chicken is not a crowd-pleaser. Gail says the breaded chicken was better in the Common Threads challenge, and Ptom points out that it was served right away last week, as opposed to sitting around in a chafing dish tonight. Lisa and Nikki serve their assorted vegetable/cheese plate to the groom. Two other guests grab some of Nikki's tortellini, which is stuffed with butternut squash, brown butter, and sage. Spike serves his Chilean sea bass, which is served with artichokes, capers, olives, and tomatoes. Sounds good. Dale's ragu is served, along with his filet mignon, which has a similar horseradish sauce to the other team's. The food is not nearly as well-received as Team Vacation's was. Nikki's pasta is too sweet, and the grilled vegetables were unappetizing and unoriginal. Dale's ragu gets high marks, though. Various guests enjoy both teams' food. Both cakes are cut. Lisa is practically bursting with a mixture of nerves and pride, and it's really quite charming. The chefs get ready to head home, and are hesitantly confident in their chances.

Commercials. I want to like Cameron Diaz. I really do. Why does she make it so impossible?

Judges' Table. The chefs fret 'n' sweat. Actually, this is more of a yawn 'n' sweat. The judges agree with Spike that a bride would be harder to please than a groom. Speaking of Spike, he and Antonia are congratulating Stephanie and Lisa for the balls it took to accept responsibility for the cakes. Stephanie and Lisa share an exhausted high-five. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Laughter to Judges' Table. They trudge in and line up. Ptom asks who chose to work for the bride, and Richard raises his hand, saying that the day is all about the bride and what she wants. That custom annoys me in the extreme, but as this is a super-sized episode and it appears to just be lip service in this case, let's not even get into it. Andrew is taken to task for making the same chicken he did last week, and for the strange taste of his creamed spinach. Richard accepts responsibility for the spinach, saying that the star anise was his idea. Andrew agrees that he wasn't happy with the spinach, and Richard makes a face like "Didn't I just stand up for you? Why twist the knife?".

It turns out not to matter, as Team Victory lives up to that name by winning the challenge. The looks of worry are replaced by big smiles. Gale usually takes three days to make a wedding cake, and was very impressed by Stephanie's quick version. Stephanie's teammates jump in to give her all the credit for a job well done. Aw. Antonia's pizza outshone the team that focused on Italian food. Richard's brisket was fantastic. Gale gets to announce the challenge winner, which is unsurprisingly Richard. Before they go any further, though, Richard asks if he can turn over his win to Stephanie. Double aw! Stephanie thanks him, and when she wins a $2000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel, asks Richard if he just wants to share it. Triple aw! Although a thousand bucks at Crate & Barrel would net you about two plates and a measuring cup. Stephanie interviews how great it was that the team got along and respected each other. You know what that's the cue for. Padma asks them to send out Team Claire Danes' Career, which Richard sadly does.

Odd Asian music. Gong. Lisa's scowl has found its way home. First, the judges go into the division of labor. Lisa did the cake, Dale says he cooked all the fillets, made the potatoes, and did the pork ragu. Nikki made the pasta and the pesto sauce. Spike did the sea bass and the vegetables. Ptom asks who was "driving the bus" as far as the Italian menu. What is this show's obsession with buses? Anyhow, Nikki disavows any responsibility whatsoever for influencing the team's choices, and just as before, it doesn't do any good. She does admit that people looked for her opinions, due to her experience in Italian cooking, but says she wasn't "playing executive chef". Yeah, Nikki's screwed. If she claims she was at the helm, they'll make it her fault the team lost. If she tries to avoid being at the helm, they'll say "Well, why not, if you're an Italian chef?", and make it her fault the team lost.

Turning to the cake, Lisa says that the groom wanted something simple that wouldn't outshine the bride's cake. Although that gives Lisa a handy excuse to make an ugly cake, Ptom approved of the flavor, saying it tasted better than the other one. Lisa nods, knowing that if she can just keep her trap shut for the rest of the night, she'll be fine. After ascertaining that it was the groom's idea to have an antipasto plate, Ptom says that the big problem was that there was a lot of food going on, but a lot of it just wasn't that good. Nikki's pasta was dry and sweet. The pizza was hard. The fillet was overcooked. The horseradish sauce was flavorless. Ouch! Man, they're slamming down harder than usual.

When asked when and by whom the bruschetta was toasted, Dale says it was before they went to the wedding, and that he did it, adding "That's another thing that I did." The implication is, of course, that his food was lackluster because his mean old teammates saddled him with so much work. Spike picks up on this, and rather childishly tells Dale to go ahead and get it all out. Dale says that he hustled, and Nikki points out that nobody disagrees with that. Ptom asks if that means Dale thinks someone else wasn't pulling their weight. Spike again beats Dale to the punch in being as annoying as possible, and chides him to go ahead and point some fingers, since he's obviously longing to do it. Which is true, but... Let him hang himself, Spike. No need to make yourself just as obnoxious. Too late. Dale and Spike snipe back and forth for a bit. Spike says he feels like he pushed harder than Dale in the challenge. For an accurate response to that, please refer to Lisa's massive eyeroll.

Damn, I think she's going to pull a muscle.

Dale declares Spike's "pushed harder than you" statement is bullshit, which makes Spike whine that Dale is "such a little bitch, bro". Dale is completely asinine in this episode, and I wish Spike wasn't making it so difficult to be on his side. Nikki puts an end to it by telling them to stop, and telling the judges that she takes responsibility for her dishes. Spike "regrets stooping down to [Dale's] level". Lisa wisely stays silent. Gail asks if Spike wants to hear how the sea bass was. "Yeah, I guess so, why not?" he sneers. "Everyone really liked it," Gail says simply, and Spike gets a wide smile, as if he hasn't just been a huge douchenozzle. Dale gets a last barb in when he says the judges should have liked it, as it took Spike three hours to make it.

If Dale had just asked his teammates for help instead of silently seething, he'd have much more of a case here. And Spike just finished up being thoroughly irritating. But the thing is, and always was, that Dale can't have it both ways. If he's so much better than everyone else, and doesn't want to condescend to build respectful relationships with his competitors, then he cannot turn around and complain that they're not doing enough to help him. Yes, I said "respectful", Dale. Note I didn't say that you had to be best friends forever with everyone. You don't have to paint their nails, invite them to your birthday party, or even play pool with them. But if your constant attitude is "you suck", don't be all surprised and wounded when nobody pulls you out of the quicksand you've stepped into.

The chefs are dismissed. Padma and Gail agree that it was an interesting panel. They seem a little too delighted by the discord they've sown. Thankfully, they quickly move on to their impressions of the food. Spike's fish was good, but not enough to base an entire night's work on. They admit he also did the vegetables, which weren't very good, but are time-consuming. Ptom says Dale feels he shouldn't go home because he did the bulk of the work. Gail says he should have edited the list of what he had to get done. Please, as if they'd even think of getting rid of The Asshole this early. Nikki didn't step up to anchor the menu on her expertise, and should have. See? Back in the Kitchen, Dale is trying to rationalize how he acted, asking if anyone else wouldn't have spoken up about their "urgency" or someone else's lack of it. Nikki, not unkindly, says that "you can't point fingers at Judges' Table; you become THAT GUY. They are not going to look at you any better when you do that." Well said. The judges make a decision.

Commercials. If you like rocks, you'll love Texas.

Elimination. Team Rigor Mortis' menu was too expansive, and they didn't focus on individual flavors. Dale did the bulk of the work, but the judges didn't care for the bulk of that work. Nikki had the most experience with the menu, but didn't assert herself. Spike is lazy. Lisa is spared any criticism. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Nikki. Please pack your knives and go. Those Catch-22s will get you every time. She hugs Spike. Lisa sucks a lemon. Then... Dale shakes Spike's hand? And hugs him? Huh? Nikki is proud of how she did, saying that this is one of those experiences in which you test yourself, and she's glad she got this far. People have certainly been studying up on their gracious loser speeches. Nobody wants to be a Betty. Nikki is content to go home to her restaurant and family, and says she's a stronger person for the experience. Nice woman. And I bet her pasta is awesome.

Overall Grade: B+