Rosie the Sniveler

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs attempted to dislodge the marbles in Dr. John's mouth with some custom hot sauce. Brian was on fire (in the good way), and snagged immunity for the boucherie Elimination Challenge. During that hog prep, Justin's meat was on fire (in the bad way), and his day wasn't helped by Nina telling him that he should suck a different kind of sausage. He groused about going to Losers' table for his tacos, while Carlos' tacos won the day. Stephanie avoided being eaten by a gator, but Louis could not avoid the elimination chop. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

There is no Quickfire tonight, and while there's a perfectly valid reason for that, am I right in thinking that a lot of Quickfires have gone missing this season? We've gone straight to the Elimination Challenge in a full third of the episodes so far. Odd. I wonder what the deal is, there. Anyhow, Padma explains to the chefs that there is no Quickfire, and they easily guess that it's time for...Restaurant Wars! Also known as...The Challenge That Everyone Except Me Breathlessly Awaits! Not that I hate it or anything, but I get way more excited for challenges like the mise en place relay race. Here's a few reasons why I'm bemused by Restaurant Wars' popularity, and also a humbling reminder that my predictive powers are not always firing on all cylinders. The chefs pull knives to determine their teams, and they wind up being:

Green Team: Sara, Nina, Carlos, Shirley, and Justin
Purple Team: Stephanie, Nicholas, Carrie, Travis, and Brian

Oof. Even a casual glance should tell you that based on challenge wins, we're looking at a severe imbalance here. Of the eight elimination challenges so far, members of the Green team have won six of them (Purple has scored three - the math being weird because Travis and Carlos shared a win). Normally, that might suggest a massacre on the scale of Season 4 is about to take place, but this time, I'm not so sure. First of all, the talent level this year seems to be more equitable. Sure, Nina is a force to be reckoned with, but we've seen plenty of good things out of Carrie and Stephanie, too. Also, and how to put this delicately? This season has been remarkably convivial, with everyone except Michael pretty much getting along and respecting each other. The people that have shown flashes of pissiness, however, are all on the Green team. Challenge wins aside, if an ego clash is coming, it's pretty clearly going to be in the Green kitchen. So maybe this will be more of an even match than we'd initially guess. Let's find out!

As usual, the chefs will have one day to put everything together. The teams go into huddles to discuss strategy. It's always interesting to see how people handle the decision over who should take front-of-house duties. Normally, it's taken on reluctantly by someone who doesn't really want to do it (or in Spike's case, taken on in order to avoid responsibility). This season, however, both Sara and Travis volunteer, and both appear to have genuine aspirations of doing a good job. That dispensed with, the Purple team decides they will be doing a seafood-based menu, and that Nicholas will act as head chef. The Green team head chef duties fall to Justin, and the team decides on a "Modern American" menu, which as we all know by now, means "cook whatever the hell you want". Carlos grouses that the team is more interested in talking about decor than in planning a menu, and yeah, that's ridiculous, "Modern American" or not. I'm kind of gobsmacked that these people think matching plates and tablecloths is more important than talking about what they're going to cook. They don't even have it settled by the time they go shopping. That is so dumb.

The restaurant space will be split into two rooms, and for the first time, there aren't even kitchens. They have to set up temporary cooking implements behind a curtain, which is...odd. Lack of a cohesive menu starts to bite the Green team in the ass, like, DUUUUUUUUUUUH. Sara takes her Rosie the Riveter look into a "We Can Do It!" attitude, except her version of it is passive-aggressively suggesting that they all discuss things in a calm, rational manner before running away so nobody can respond. As cooking prep gets started, the cracks widen. Justin snipes at the other Green team members, and Nina snipes right back. The biggest problem the Purple team is facing right now is that Brian bought xanthan gum instead of agar agar, so his corn gel is going to be stiffer than Tracy Turnblad's hair.

Prep ends, and service begins. It immediately becomes apparent that there is, indeed, a blowout in progress. It's just not the one they initially thought it was going to be. Everything is humming along nicely at "Fin", the Purple team's restaurant. Travis is handling his front-of-house duties with aplomb, and their menu is balanced and gets a lot of appreciative compliments. Stephanie's linguini with caviar, oyster cream, and fennel looks incredible in particular, though I'd replace the fennel with something else. I'm getting a little sick of it. Over at the Green team's restaurant (feel free to snicker over them naming it "Found" - the judges and I certainly did), they may as well have literal headless chickens running around. Sara's service is wretched, and the kitchen keeps fucking up tickets so that only half a table's orders are going out. In the funniest bit, Sara dumps food in front of the judges with a tight rictus grin, and walks away without bothering to explain a word about what's being served. The dishes aren't terribly successful, either. Justin's rabbit dish is dry and Sara's nectarine brown-butter cake is described as a greasy cookie. Shirley's olive-oil poached cobia looks good, though, and Nina makes a pork dish that garners her usual praise.

Fret 'n sweat. We've seen both teams in action and have an edited encapsulation to understand how lopsided this challenge turned out to be, but the chefs have no such clarity, so everyone is anxious. When Padma calls the Purple team in to Judges' Table, they have no idea how they did. Their relief at being told they are winning team is so palpable it leaks out of James' TV. Brian's corn gel wasn't great, and Carrie's shrimp dish was a bit greasy, but that's about it for complaints. Travis' service was far and away the best in any Restaurant Wars to date, and Nicholas not only steered his team well, but made a delightful black drum and oxtail dish as well. That's enough to bring him the win, and he's overjoyed to finally have one under his belt. Losers' Table. We don't even need to bother with Nina, Carlos, or Shirley, because it's obvious that they're safe. This decision all comes down to terrible food and terrible management, both in the kitchen and in the dining room.

Justin is once again huffy at any criticism leveled against him, be it fair or unfair. Sara is once again compliant and apologetic on the surface, but with an obvious sneer underneath. Justin had no leadership skills and his rabbit dish was disappointing. Sara's service was appalling, and her cake was terrible. Even if Justin didn't strike me as a more likely overall contender (and thus, a more attractive prospect for the producers to keep), at least a portion of his problems can be blamed on the chaos that Sara's inept dining room management caused. So it's not too much of a surprise when Sara is told to pack her knives and go. She attempts to be stoic and placid, but is not great at masking her feelings about how shitty she thinks this elimination was. Eh. Seemed fair to me.

Overall Grade: B-