America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 4
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Cassandra wept as her long auburn hair was hacked off and "styled" into a hideous blond spiky mess. Isn't she a bitch? Sarah started down the path of the love that dare not speak its name. I'll speak it: Sarah's a gargantuan lesbian. Ebony was twisted all the way home. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated or be erased from existence tonight?
Bel Air. The girls are at a restaurant rehashing the previous elimination. Diane in particular knows she needs to step up. Tyra enters and explains that the elimination was a tough one for the judges as well. Jayla says that it's tough to know exactly what she looks like when she poses because she can't step outside herself and see what needs to be adjusted. Pretty astute, that. Tyra tells her that it comes with practice. That's pretty much the whole scene. Was that really necessary?
Back at the model pad, Tyra Mail awaits. It mentions "swimming with the sharks" and the girls are ecstatic. Why? I have no idea. Do they think their challenge will be "Lay out on the beach all day"? Kim and Sarah head out to the pool. Kim harkens us back to the episode where Sarah made out with her in the limo. There's a taupe-filtered flashback for the forgetful and/or horny. Kim says she knows straight girls like the back of her hand. Hee. Yeah, breeders are simple to understand. Morning. Cassandra does some more harkening as she says that Tyra wants to cut her hair even more. Taupe-filtered flashback. She's not happy that it has to go even shorter. I was on her side last week, but I'm not getting this. We're talking maybe another inch. Yes, her hair will look like bloated ass when they do it, but it already looks like bloated ass, so why not? Nicole says the first intelligent thing we've heard out of her as she tells Cassandra that she needs to decide what's more important: the desire to be in the competition or her hair.
The Monster Humvee takes the girls to a house with a pool. The model pad has a pool. Why did they have to go anywhere? Eh, maybe it's because this one is curvier to make for a more tortuous challenge. Sarah says she was hoping that they were there for a pool party. I like Sarah, but no. This isn't summer camp. Miss J enters in a typically Miss J outfit: a swim cap, ladies bathing suit, sparkly flippers, and a hot pink cape. He explains that the challenge will be to do a runway walk (in a bikini and high heels) around the contours of the swimming pool. It's boring. As Cassandra walks, Miss J intones over and over "beauty pageant beauty pageant beauty pageant," which irritates the hell out of her, but is also kind of true. The difference between a model walk and a beauty queen walk is subtle, but it's apparent here. Sarah blows, of course, because sweet as she is, girlfriend can't walk. Kim also has never done well with the walking, so she sucks too. Then the girls have to dance around, posing with garish hats. Zzzzz. Diane's dance is so bad it's funny. Kim sucks again. She gets up on her high horse (she's been spending a lot of time up there lately, and I'm not happy about it) and explains that it's difficult to reconcile her masculine beauty and her feminine beauty, and that Miss J should understand that. How this translates to being a crap dancer is beyond me. Sarah sucks too, to the point where I'm actually embarrassed for her. Miss J picks her and Kim out as the worst, tells them to practice, and sends the girls on their way. Well, that killed a big chunk of time.
The sad music of Girl Who Just Got Eliminated plays as the girls return to the model pad to find new Tyra Mail about another runway challenge the next day. Weird that that music is making an appearance here. Nothing sad is happening. Well, Kim's ugly shirt is making me sad, but nothing besides that. Sarah interviews that she wasn't always a bad walker and thinks she's concentrating too hard on it. That makes sense. She and Kim flirt some more after practicing their runway walks for like forty seconds. Bre interviews that they're not practicing their walking enough and that it'll hurt them in the long run. Oh come on, Bre. It's not like Kim and Sarah are going to be the final two or anything. Silly girl.
Commercials. Target would be hard pressed to find a worse singer for their ads.
Morning. Diane interviews that she hopes the challenge will be exciting. Diane is going to be disappointed. Sarah and Kim flirt some more over breakfast. Sarah admits that she's attracted to Kim. No kidding. Cassandra is on the phone with her mom who is saying "this isn't really a principle...this is vanity," so you can totally tell that Cassandra was just off on some rant about how she shouldn't have to cut more of her hair because she identifies herself with it so strongly. Seriously, why is she all up in arms about this now? Wouldn't the tantrum have been better served when they chopped those other seven inches off? Cassandra isn't happy, but her mom zings her again. "The question is, do you love your hair more than you love this opportunity?" Nice! So that's two people (Nicole and Cassandra's mom) who have made the very valid point that she's got to give up the hair obsession if she wants to get anywhere in the competition. I'm sure she'll listen.
The Monster Humvee takes the girls to meet Sue Wong, a designer who will be judging the challenge. Her dresses are very dramatic, with an Asian flair. They're pretty damn cool-looking. Sue reveals the runway which is a nice, straight line...until you hit the rotating circle at the end. Yes! The girls have to step onto a moving platform in high heels and big dresses. Pure evil. The winner gets to wear one of Tyra's castoff dresses for the evening. Can't they just save time and spit in the winner's eye? That reward is terrible. The girls go in to hair and makeup. Oh, dear God. Sarah is wearing one of those fucking tank tops with the spray-painted name on it. I wish I knew whose idea those things were so I could punch them. She plans to walk very slowly so she doesn't fall. The challenge begins, and the outfits are very beautiful. Good job, Sue Wong. Coryn is fine, but boring. Nicole has some trouble with the rotating bit. Fugly Lisa is far too pleased with herself, as always. Kim sucks. She wouldn't look good in Tyra's dress anyway. Kyle, Diane, and Jayla have trouble, but I'm inclined to cut Kyle some slack because that dress is enormous. Nik is pretty. Bre is absolutely perfect at this. She looks fantastic and has not one iota of trouble on the rotating platform. Sue Wong feels Cassandra is too stiff. Sarah has a dress and headdress about as big as Kyle's and she's not sticking to her promise to slow down. The best thing that can be said about her is that she doesn't fall flat on her ass. Bre is the clear winner, which makes me smile, and she interviews that her win was "long overdue", which wiped that smile away. I can't love you if you're going to be all self-satisfied, Bre. Down that path lies Fugly Lisa, and you do not want to be there. She gets to choose four friends to go out to dinner with her. She chooses Coryn, Kim, Nik, and Jayla. They go out to dinner and Bre interviews that she looks absolutely beautiful in the dress. Grrr. Even more grrr, because she's right. She gets her comeuppance, though, because dinner is caviar. Now, I love caviar. But caviar and only caviar? For dinner? No. Bre says she wants to be respectful, and at the same time, wants to throw up. Let's consider ourselves even, Bre.
Evening. Tyra Mail with typical nonsensical blah. It instructs them to be ready at 7 AM, which makes Cassandra scowl. I feel you, Cassandra. Sarah and Kim jump into the pool. Bre and Jayla smoke and watch them, and Bre says that if she were Kim's girlfriend, she'd be furious. Hilariously, this is over a shot of Kim releasing one of those floating noodle pool toys, and it flies out of the water in a very...spurting arc. I'm just saying. Sarah interviews that she's at that stage of her life where she's curious and sexual. Oh, so she's a LUG. Or she would be if she were going to college. She and Kim make out in bed, just out of the camera's range. They may even do it. Who knows? Morning. Nicole snottily interviews that she's concentrating on the game rather that staying up till all hours practicing lesbian lip-locks. Oh come on, Nicole. It's not like Kim and Sarah are going to be the final two or anything. Silly girl. Kim's talking to Bre, who tells her that she may be leading Sarah on a bit (which does seem to be the case, as Sarah interviews about how this may be the start of something). Sarah calls her boyfriend and tells him about Kim. He seems equally intrigued and terrified.
Commercials. Hey, ladies! If you win America's Next Top Model, you can sit in a factory break room and sign a couple autographs! Reach for the stars.
The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at the photo shoot. OJ explains that it's a special effects shoot, and that the girls will have to be on a moving conveyer belt in front of a green screen, running as if they're scared of something. He introduces the photographer Mike, who is hot. Especially when he's standing next to OJ. But then, who isn't? The girls will be styled as "fashion victims". Nice of you to demonstrate for us, OJ. Oh wait, he actually thinks he looks good. Spew. He sends them off to hair and makeup and asks to see Jayla and Cassandra. Cassandra looks down because she knows some serious shit is about to take place. OJ tells Jayla they're taking out her extensions and Cassandra that they're cutting more off. Jayla is fine with that. Cassandra is not. She says she's not comfortable with them chopping more off. OJ reminds her that she has to do what the client wishes if she wants to be a successful model. He's right. Again, I was sympathetic to her plight last week, but it's just nonsense to make a big stink about it now. Plus, she's making me defend OJ, which makes me feel icky. He sends her off to think about it for a few minutes. Bre again plays den mother as she counsels Cassandra to go with her instincts. She means well, but Cassandra's instincts are really bad in this case.
Nik's up first. Every time I type "Nik", I accidentally type "Nike" and have to erase the extra letter. It's frustrating. She's Nike from now on. She rocks the photo, as always. OJ loves her. I'm calling her as the sleeper to win this season. Of course, that's what I said about Kahlen. Fugly Lisa is even fuglier than usual in her fashion victim get-up, which involves a traffic-cone-orange headband. There's some more lesbian blather from Kim about how she loves her girlfriend, so that she's just using Sarah for fun. That's fine and all (provided Sarah understands that and feels the same way), but we get it now. Enough with the interviews. Diane has some trouble with the posing. She is so out of here in a week or two. Coryn is boring some more. Sarah sucks some more. Bre is beautiful some more. Kim is unimpressive some more. Nicole looks good. I'm tired of Nicole looking good. I want Nicole to look like crap so they cut her. Oh, well. Jayla's hair is short again, and it does suit her more. She does well at the photo. Kyle does not. I like Kyle, but I have yet to see a good photo of her. Once Diane is gone, I feel like she's next. I'll enjoy my Kyle moments now, I guess. The stylist is trying to convince Cassandra that he won't make her look like any more of a circus freak than she does now (not in those words, of course), but she's not budging. She's made it into her personal crusade. I really want to be happy that she's standing up for herself, but this is such a stupid thing to cling to. OJ comes back to get her decision and she gives it: she will NOT cut her hair. Good day, sir! He sends her off the set, and much as I hate him, he's right to do so. Now, I don't know where refusing to get the haircut automatically means that she's out of the competition (Cycle One's Shannon refused to do the nude shot and was kept in), but apparently Cassandra's cut. Or she quits. It's hard to tell which. She interviews about not letting people change the way she is. Sigh. They already did that, Cassandra. She says that she's going back to pageants. I think that would be best for all involved.
Commercials. Do those overnight teeth whiteners actually work? I'm...er...asking for a friend of mine.
The girls ride back to the model pad and discuss Cassandra's choice. Fugly Lisa smarmily interviews that it's a real competition with her gone. If anyone out there is looking for a good holiday present for me, I'd like a crowbar and five minutes alone with Fugly Lisa in a dark alley. Thanks. That evening the girls receive Tyra Mail that there will still be an elimination, so Cassandra quitting didn't save anyone else. Now Diane is wearing one of those goddamn tank tops. Ugh. Kim is concerned about her chances. Oh, Kim...why? Just because you sucked at the pool walking and sucked at the runway challenge and sucked at the photo shoot? At least she's self-aware. She talks to Kyle about it, and it strikes me that this is about the hundredth time we've seen a girl baring her soul to another contestant, and that other contestant is always Kyle. We never hear what Kyle herself thinks, but she's always in the shot, being a patient listener. I'll bet she's going steadily insane. The other girls are stressed too. Sarah hopes that that she and Kim will be safe. Oh come on, Sarah. It's not like you and Kim are going to be the final two or anything. Silly girl.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Tyra in a disgusting outfit that makes it look like Toucan Sam exploded all over her. For once, she looks bad on purpose, so mission accomplished. Prizes introduced. Judges introduced. The guest judge is Sue Wong. Tyra lectures the girls about Cassandra not having the adaptability to be a model. It's a fair point. She tells them that anyone else who feels that way can just leave right now. Nobody does, of course. She thinks Fugly Lisa may be considering it, which Fugly Lisa vehemently denies. As if, Tyra. If/when Fugly Lisa is finally eliminated, you'll have to drag her out of there as she claws desperately at the floor. Tyra harkens back (there sure is a lot of harkening tonight) to Cycle Two's Camille, who said "this is my signature walk and this is what is going to make me famous," which Tyra just loves. Now, I haven't seen Cycle Two yet, but 1) Camille isn't famous. 2) From what I've read, the instant she said that, Camille was doomed in the competition. 3) It made everyone instantly hate her guts. But let's forget all that! The final challenge will be that the girls have to demonstrate a signature walk of their own.
The girls walk. Nicole tries to put her hands in her non-existent pockets. Or she's just picking at the top of her skirt. Either way, it looks awful. I don't think Kyle's looks good, but I'm apparently going to be in the minority on this one. Bre does the same horse walk she did back in the first runway show the girls did. I'm not a huge fan of it, but it's individualistic, and thus fits the idea of a "signature walk" very well. Tyra gives her a snap up, and Sue Wong looks impressed too. Nike bobbles her head too much. Third time is not a charm for Sarah, who's still terrible. Kim comes out and makes the titular disclaimer that she knows she sucks at walking, but promises to get better. Fortunately, the judges look as horrified as I do. I don't take this competition very seriously, but "hey, this is going to bite, but it won't later" is a bullshit thing to say. Plus, she's always complaining about how the judges want her to be feminine, but that's not her style. Here she's given an opportunity to do a signature walk; she can be as butch and manly as she wants. And she still blows it.
Evaluations. Jayla's a trouper about the hair, but her walk wasn't good. Tyra explains that at the photo shoot, the girls were running away from something. And that something is...the fashion police witch. Um. I can understand running from a witch. I can understand running from the fashion police. But the fashion police witch? Mix a few more metaphors in, why don't you? Miss J is the witch, of course. He looks very Medusa-ish. Jayla's picture is good, but I'm not loving the yellow teeth nor the clearly visible tongue piercing. Coryn. Zzzzzz. Diane shouldn't walk at an angle. Her photo's OK. Kim. The judges yell at her for trying to absolve herself of responsibility. Tyra suggests she study male model magazines as well as female ones. Interesting idea. They do like her photo. Eh. Kyle. The judges love her walk, but not her photo. Fugly Lisa. Her walk was too safe for a signature walk, and she lost her neck in the photo. Nicole's walk was abysmal, and the judges are semi-unimpressed with the photo. Nike. They do not enjoy the bobble-head walk, and love the photo. Bre. Twiggy hates the horse walk, but everyone else likes it. They're not wild about the photo, but I think she looks great. Sarah. Sucky on all counts. Sue Wong says her biggest problem is poise. I think she hit the nail right on the head.
Commercials. I hate Nextels, and I hate the people who use them, but that commercial with the two technicians arguing over condiment status is hilarious.
Deliberations. The general consensus is summed up by Sue Wong once again. "Sarah is a mess." The rest is just the usual rehashing. Elimination. Jayla is safe. Kyle. Nike. Bre. Fugly Lisa. Diane. Coryn. Nicole. Will Sarah and Kim please step forward? Whoops! Looks like they are the final two after all. Who could have called that? Sarah's already crying. Tyra says she cracks under pressure. Kim was very disappointing this week. But she's being given another shot, and Sarah will be the one to go. Aw. She hugs the other girls. Ah, here's the sad music of Girl Who Just Got Eliminated again. Sarah interviews that she's learned a lot about herself. I'll say, what with the whole lesbian love affair. Come on home to Missouri, Sarah. As she gets the Back to the Future fadeout, we see that Cassandra is already gone from the picture. Ouch.
Well, for an episode where a hell of a lot happened, that was kind of boring. Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls take a group topless photo of themselves. I'll bet Sarah's kicking herself over missing that one. Coryn's as fed up with Fugly Lisa as I am.
Overall Grade: C-
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Sunday, October 02, 2005
The Girl Who Needs A Miracle
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: 13 girls moved into the unbelievably swank model pad, and set about doing what reality show model wannabes do best: ripping on people behind their backs. The girls took flight as superheroes, and Sarah took flight at the runway show as well. At the elimination, it came down to Sarah and Ashley, but since Ashley had shown no impulse to start making out with the other contestants, she was sent home. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Los Angeles. Sarah is relieved that she wasn't eliminated. Kim can't believe Ashley's gone. Yeah, what an amazing friendship you guys formed...two days ago. In an interview, Ebony calls the other girls "geezers". Heh. The girls receive their Tyra Mail, which clues them into the fact that they'll be getting their makeovers. Cassandra interviews that she has "natural beauty" and that she doesn't think she should have to change much. Well, I'd start by changing that dumbass tank top she's wearing, which has her name emblazoned across it on a hot pink background. Seriously, that shit is something my sister would have gotten in second grade and thrown away a year later because she realized how stupid it was. The girls get into their Monster Humvee and head to the salon, where they meet Tyra, OJ, and the salon's owner, Louis. Tyra tells them they have an idea for all of the girls. My idea for Nik is to stop pulling her hair back like that, because it makes her look like Cosmo Kramer.
Tyra outlines the ideas for each girl: Nicole is getting a weave to add more curl and volume. Coryn is going blond. Oh, for God's sake. Coryn is wearing the same tank top Cassandra is, but with her own name on it. Did these girls go to Disneyland and splurge on these as some kind of retarded bonding activity? Ugh. Diane is going to have her hair dyed a wheat color. Fugly Lisa is going to have her hair dyed darker to contrast her blue eyes. Ebony's having long braids put in. Eh. I like Ebony's hair now; those little twin poofs on top of her hair are kind of cute. Kyle's going from blond to chocolate brown. Jayla's going to have a big ol' weave put in to make her hair appear longer. Kim's getting hers dyed red. Sarah's having her hair cut, but not a great deal - looks like Tyra's thinking shoulder length. Nik's hair is going to be lightened, Bre's hair is going to be straightened, and Cassandra? Oh, dear. Tyra says "Have you ever seen that movie Rosemary's Baby, starring Mia Farrow?" She shakes her head nervously. Kim, I think it's safe to say, has seen it, because she pumps her arm and mouths "YES!". That was really mean of her. It was also extremely funny. Tyra fills Cassandra in that they're cutting it all off and dyeing it blond. The tears are already welling in Cassandra's eyes, and she begins to cry. "Cassandra, why are you crying?" Tyra asks. Um, because you want to intentionally make her ugly? "I love my hair," Cassandra weeps. Tyra tells her it'll grow back. The other girls are already starting to roll their eyes like complete snots. You'll note that none of them are having all their hair cut off. I mean, yeah she's crying over her hair, which is always fun to ridicule, but she doesn't throw a tantrum like some of the girls on other seasons who had changes much less drastic (Cycle One Ebony's ears are burning something fierce about now). Plus, and I don't think I'm giving too much away here, she's got pretty good reason to cry over this particular transformation.
As the stylists get started, Sarah and Fugly Lisa comfort Cassandra each in their own way. That is, Sarah rubs her shoulder in sympathy, and Fugly Lisa bitchily implies she's making a big deal out of nothing. Have I mentioned I don't care much for Fugly Lisa? Ebony's pleased to see Cassandra cry, because she never shows her emotion or whatever. The hair is hacked. OJ reminds her that she said in casting that she'd do what they told her (which is a good point) and that she should trust him (which isn't). She replies that it's hard for her, but that she did, in fact, do it, subtly implying that he can quit with the needling. Have I mentioned I do care much for Cassandra? Like I said last week, I really have no reason to like her, but she's somehow become one of my favorites. The makeovers continue. Kim bitches that no boy has the color hair that they've given her, which messes with her personal style. It's not even that different! I feel my Kim love kind of slipping away. OJ tells the stylist to clip Bre's nose hairs. Heh. OJ complains about Cassandra's crying. Fuck off, troll. You told her to cut her hair and SHE DID IT. God, not everyone has to be as excited about their ugly hairdos as you are about yours. Sarah looks a billion times better, and is wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a tractor and the word "Fulton" on it. Awesome! I've got friends from there. Go, Sarah!
OJ wanders around and assigns each girl a personal style that they'll have to embody. I'll just say right now that most of these "styles" are pure bullshit that sound like he made them up on the spot. Bre will be "ghetto fabulous". She looks gorgeous with the straighter hair. Nicole will be "90's wide-eyed supermodel". See? What does that even mean? Did models in the '90s have wider eyes than in other decades? I'm not wild about her makeover. Tyra told her it was going to be more voluminous, which it is, but it looks like 99% of that volume went straight to her bangs. Yeah, mall bangs were the style in the '90s, but I haven't really met anyone who's anxious to revive this particular fad. Tyra also said her hair would be curlier, which it's not. She also said Fugly Lisa was going to have darker hair, which she doesn't. Heh, nobody listens to Tyra. Fugly Lisa's style is "supermodel with a twist". Again, that is totally meaningless. She looks a ton better, but pisses all over the moment by bragging about how beautiful she is, so that Fugly title won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Sarah's new style is "Ralph Lauren chic". Does that mean more preppy or something? I don't think that would suit Sarah much. She looks terrific. Kim will be "femme boy", and frankly doesn't look much different than she did when she came in. Her hair's auburn now, but that's about it. Jayla's new style is "Yves St. Lauren chic". I have no idea what that means. She looks fairly good with long hair. Nothing extraordinary, though. Diane. "Dressy casual", which means they couldn't think of a real style for her. I do like the lighter hair, though she'd look good in pretty much any hair color. Her face is that striking. Coryn's style is "sophisticated". Yes, I'm sure the girl with the drug addict mother will have no trouble pulling that off. She looks a lot like Tyra after the makeover, but not as much as Kesse did back in Cycle One. Kyle. "Chanel with an edge". Whatever. I didn't think I'd like her with dark hair, but I do. She looks good. Nik's style will be "bohemian chic". At least that one makes sense. Her fro's a little much, but she looks good overall. Ebony shall be "sophisticated with an edge". The braids look good. Cassandra's new style is "mod with an edge". Too bad her new style isn't "ugly ass haircut" because that's what she got. She looks awful. OJ tells everyone to work on their new styles.
Tyra Mail. It talks about "fashion cred", which Cassandra takes to mean that they're going shopping. I don't know where she got that from, but she's right, so what do I know? Nicole and Ebony go into the confessional and make fun of Cassandra's obsession with her hair. She does seem to be going on and on about it. Still, what do you think Nicole or Ebony's reaction would have been if they had gotten all of their hair chopped off and dyed to look like Dennis the Menace? Overjoyed? Nicole couldn't even buy chapstick without pitching a fit. Kyle thinks Cassandra's attitude about her hair might hurt her in the competition. Can't argue with that.
Commercials. Mmm...Reese's cookies. Strange that they'd show that during a modeling show, but I'm not complaining.
Morning. Kim complains about Cassandra's hair issues. Cassandra tells her boyfriend over the phone that he'll hate her new look. I've never met him and I don't know his tastes, but yes he will. The girls take the Monster Humvee (that thing needs a name) to Rodeo Drive. A man dressed basically in a clown suit comes out and introduces himself to jaunty circus music. He's James St. James, a "club kid" and personal style advocate. I'd say "pathetic attention whore" would be his personal style, and he embraces it in spades. He explains the challenge. Each girl gets $500 and 90 minutes to get an outfit that most fits the personal style that OJ assigned. The winner gets to keep her outfit. The girls run down the street and James chases them, holding a megaphone. This is creepy. It's like he's hunting them down so he can eat them. Cassandra doesn't really understand the mod style and asks Ebony for help. I don't really get the mod thing either. Does that mean modern? When I think mod, I immediately leap to swinging '60s style, like what they wore on Laugh-In or go-go dancers or something. I don't know. My friend Val would know more about it. The girls shop as the scary clown stalks them through the streets. This is more chilling than It. Fugly Lisa says she's a wardrobe assistant for a living, so she actually knows what she's doing. Damn. James will judge the challenge, and there's really not too much to say about it. Kim looks like she's trying out for the role of Sneed in Peter Pan. Diane and Nik look good, but James chooses Fugly Lisa as the winner. Fair enough. She gets to choose two friends, and she chooses Ebony and Kim (who thinks she should have won the challenge, which...not). Lisa gets to keep not only her outfit but three other items from the girls of her choice. Ebony and Kim each get to pick one item. They choose. It's boring. Sarah interviews that Fugly Lisa comes off as snotty and arrogant. I feel you, Sarah.
Back at the house, Fugly Lisa becomes completely intolerable, giving pointers to the other girls and saying things like "Are you listening? I'm trying to show you something." Kim looks like she's about to beat her in the face with a toaster. Kyle looks like she's on the brink of suicide. Kim mouths "Shut up!" in the background and does a freaking hilarious impression of Fugly Lisa once she leaves the room. Well, that scene had no point except to make Fugly Lisa look like a bitch, so I fully support it.
Commercials. Queen Latifah can do no wrong. She's a much cooler Cover Girl than Naima. And I like Naima!
Tyra Mail. It incorporates the phrase "seeing double". It instructs the girls to be ready at 6 AM, which would certainly make me see double. Cassandra thinks she'll have trouble with her new hair, but that they gave her this style for a reason. I don't have the heart to tell Cassandra that the reason is to make her look ugly so that she'd cry on national television. Morning. The girls ride out to some farm country. The Monster Humvee looks even uglier in this setting. OJ instructs the girls to pick a partner. They do. He then tells them that each pair will compete head-to-head by wearing the same outfit to see who pulls it off better. That's an interesting idea. They meet the photographer, Craig. The first pair will be Nik Vs. Bre. Hah! There's even the sound of a boxing bell. This show is so cheesy. The outfit is like schoolmarm meets prostitute meets Willy Wonka. Next is Sarah Vs. Coryn. They each hold a horse, and it snots all over Sarah's dress. Hehehe. They both do well. Fugly Lisa Vs. Ebony. Fugly Lisa's done her posing homework. Ebony completely sucks. Nicole Vs. Diane. Now, I like Diane and dislike Nicole, but even I can't ignore the fact that Nicole clearly blows her out of the water here. Kyle Vs. Kim. Kyle isn't done any favors by the fact that they've blown her hair out. Kim looks better in the outfit, which is weird. Jayla Vs. Cassandra. Cassandra's lucky here, because as bad as her hair looks, she at least knows how to pose, whereas Jayla seems out of her element. OJ hates Cassandra, which doesn't bode well for her. We all saw what falling out of Jay's favor did to Cycle One's Nicole. It's just as much bullshit now as it was then. Tyra Mail. Elimination the next day. Ebony is nervous. Fugly Lisa is confident. Cassandra says that pageants help you develop as a woman, whereas modeling is just more of a career. Huh? What the fuck is she talking about? Make sense, woman!
Commercials. Queen Latifah can still do no wrong, even though she's voicing-over this obnoxious Pizza Hut commercial.
We go into the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Naima and Tyra in the same dress. What's funny is that Naima is posed to look completely inferior to Tyra, who's standing proud. Stroke that ego, Tyra. You're far too timid. She introduces the judges, including guest judge James St. James. Nik! Stop pulling your damn hair back! The photos will be judged against each girl's partner. Whoever's got the better photo is automatically safe. That's interesting because... Well, we'll talk about it after the judges do. Sarah and Coryn are up first. They both look really good. If forced to choose, I'd pick Sarah, but I wouldn't disagree either way. Kyle and Kim. Yeah, Kyle's hair doesn't look good in this picture. Maybe the hat's messing it up or something. Cassandra and Jayla. Nigel tells Cassandra he loves her makeover. He's sweet to lie like that. Tyra's not happy with it, because it's not what she told the stylists to do. Twiggy discusses what it was like to get all of her hair chopped off, and that it changed her life. True, that. Tyra's not thrilled with Jayla's new hair, either. She tells both of them that if they survive this week, they're getting new looks. Now, to the photos. Cassandra is the clear winner in my eyes, and I'm not saying that because I like her. Jayla's too hunched over and her face is slack. Ebony and Fugly Lisa. This is hard for me. Very hard. OK, here goes. Fugly Lisa looks completely awesome. I don't know what it is about her, but she always looks very overblown and harsh in the show itself, but wonderful in her photographs. Helping her is the fact that Ebony looks like shit. She's kind of the inverse of Fugly Lisa. She's lovely in interviews and such, but her pictures just don't work. Nicole and Diane. Diane's too withdrawn and covered up in her photo. It pains me to say Nicole looks much better, but she does. Nik and Bre. They make Nik take her hair down. Thank God. They both rocked the photo, but the contrast between Nik's afro and the black dress is much prettier than Bre's black-on-black look. Plus, Nik is doing a really cool pose. How does she bend her butt like that without breaking her spine?
Commercials. Oh, another good reason to be gay. If some bitch took my razor and used it to shave her legs, I'd find a new use for it. One that involved her jugular.
Deliberations. Cassandra is pinched, but Jayla sucks too. Diane is ungainly. Ebony hasn't taken a good photo to date. Blah dee blah. Elimination. The six girls who "win" each of their mini-competitions is automatically granted safety in the overall competition. Cassandra is chosen first. See, this is what's weird, because if they just went on an individual basis, Cassandra might well have been in danger of being eliminated, but was saved by a poor performance from Jayla. So in a sense, it doesn't matter how crappy your photo is this week (although I don't think Cassandra's was as crappy as the judges say) as long as your partner was crappier. Conversely, if you take a great shot normally, but happen to lose to someone who had a good day (like in the Kyle/Kim showdown), you might find yourself out. It'd be interesting to see who would be eliminated if the pairings had been done another way.
Anyway, Cassandra's safe. Nicole. Coryn. Kim. Fugly Lisa. Nik. Now, one of the six "losers" will be the ultimate loser of the week. Bre is safe. Jayla. Sarah. Kyle. Will Diane and Ebony please step forward? Diane, your personality isn't being captured in photos. True. Ebony, you suck overall. True. Yes, Diane gets her photo, and Ebony will be the one to go. I don't hate Ebony, but this was the right choice. If you can't take a good picture, you can't be a model. Don't get it twisted. The girls cry. Well, Cassandra doesn't, because we're supposed to think she's a robot with no emotion. Man, I think they play the same "girl goes home" music every week. Ebony's sad. She says it's hard to hear people tell you that your dream will stay just that. She's remarkably composed about it for an eighteen-year-old girl, and says that this particular door has been closed, but that she'll just knock on twenty other ones. Good on you, Ebony. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Miss J shows up as a funhouse version of Esther Williams. Sarah and Kim are totally going to do it.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: 13 girls moved into the unbelievably swank model pad, and set about doing what reality show model wannabes do best: ripping on people behind their backs. The girls took flight as superheroes, and Sarah took flight at the runway show as well. At the elimination, it came down to Sarah and Ashley, but since Ashley had shown no impulse to start making out with the other contestants, she was sent home. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Los Angeles. Sarah is relieved that she wasn't eliminated. Kim can't believe Ashley's gone. Yeah, what an amazing friendship you guys formed...two days ago. In an interview, Ebony calls the other girls "geezers". Heh. The girls receive their Tyra Mail, which clues them into the fact that they'll be getting their makeovers. Cassandra interviews that she has "natural beauty" and that she doesn't think she should have to change much. Well, I'd start by changing that dumbass tank top she's wearing, which has her name emblazoned across it on a hot pink background. Seriously, that shit is something my sister would have gotten in second grade and thrown away a year later because she realized how stupid it was. The girls get into their Monster Humvee and head to the salon, where they meet Tyra, OJ, and the salon's owner, Louis. Tyra tells them they have an idea for all of the girls. My idea for Nik is to stop pulling her hair back like that, because it makes her look like Cosmo Kramer.
Tyra outlines the ideas for each girl: Nicole is getting a weave to add more curl and volume. Coryn is going blond. Oh, for God's sake. Coryn is wearing the same tank top Cassandra is, but with her own name on it. Did these girls go to Disneyland and splurge on these as some kind of retarded bonding activity? Ugh. Diane is going to have her hair dyed a wheat color. Fugly Lisa is going to have her hair dyed darker to contrast her blue eyes. Ebony's having long braids put in. Eh. I like Ebony's hair now; those little twin poofs on top of her hair are kind of cute. Kyle's going from blond to chocolate brown. Jayla's going to have a big ol' weave put in to make her hair appear longer. Kim's getting hers dyed red. Sarah's having her hair cut, but not a great deal - looks like Tyra's thinking shoulder length. Nik's hair is going to be lightened, Bre's hair is going to be straightened, and Cassandra? Oh, dear. Tyra says "Have you ever seen that movie Rosemary's Baby, starring Mia Farrow?" She shakes her head nervously. Kim, I think it's safe to say, has seen it, because she pumps her arm and mouths "YES!". That was really mean of her. It was also extremely funny. Tyra fills Cassandra in that they're cutting it all off and dyeing it blond. The tears are already welling in Cassandra's eyes, and she begins to cry. "Cassandra, why are you crying?" Tyra asks. Um, because you want to intentionally make her ugly? "I love my hair," Cassandra weeps. Tyra tells her it'll grow back. The other girls are already starting to roll their eyes like complete snots. You'll note that none of them are having all their hair cut off. I mean, yeah she's crying over her hair, which is always fun to ridicule, but she doesn't throw a tantrum like some of the girls on other seasons who had changes much less drastic (Cycle One Ebony's ears are burning something fierce about now). Plus, and I don't think I'm giving too much away here, she's got pretty good reason to cry over this particular transformation.
As the stylists get started, Sarah and Fugly Lisa comfort Cassandra each in their own way. That is, Sarah rubs her shoulder in sympathy, and Fugly Lisa bitchily implies she's making a big deal out of nothing. Have I mentioned I don't care much for Fugly Lisa? Ebony's pleased to see Cassandra cry, because she never shows her emotion or whatever. The hair is hacked. OJ reminds her that she said in casting that she'd do what they told her (which is a good point) and that she should trust him (which isn't). She replies that it's hard for her, but that she did, in fact, do it, subtly implying that he can quit with the needling. Have I mentioned I do care much for Cassandra? Like I said last week, I really have no reason to like her, but she's somehow become one of my favorites. The makeovers continue. Kim bitches that no boy has the color hair that they've given her, which messes with her personal style. It's not even that different! I feel my Kim love kind of slipping away. OJ tells the stylist to clip Bre's nose hairs. Heh. OJ complains about Cassandra's crying. Fuck off, troll. You told her to cut her hair and SHE DID IT. God, not everyone has to be as excited about their ugly hairdos as you are about yours. Sarah looks a billion times better, and is wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a tractor and the word "Fulton" on it. Awesome! I've got friends from there. Go, Sarah!
OJ wanders around and assigns each girl a personal style that they'll have to embody. I'll just say right now that most of these "styles" are pure bullshit that sound like he made them up on the spot. Bre will be "ghetto fabulous". She looks gorgeous with the straighter hair. Nicole will be "90's wide-eyed supermodel". See? What does that even mean? Did models in the '90s have wider eyes than in other decades? I'm not wild about her makeover. Tyra told her it was going to be more voluminous, which it is, but it looks like 99% of that volume went straight to her bangs. Yeah, mall bangs were the style in the '90s, but I haven't really met anyone who's anxious to revive this particular fad. Tyra also said her hair would be curlier, which it's not. She also said Fugly Lisa was going to have darker hair, which she doesn't. Heh, nobody listens to Tyra. Fugly Lisa's style is "supermodel with a twist". Again, that is totally meaningless. She looks a ton better, but pisses all over the moment by bragging about how beautiful she is, so that Fugly title won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Sarah's new style is "Ralph Lauren chic". Does that mean more preppy or something? I don't think that would suit Sarah much. She looks terrific. Kim will be "femme boy", and frankly doesn't look much different than she did when she came in. Her hair's auburn now, but that's about it. Jayla's new style is "Yves St. Lauren chic". I have no idea what that means. She looks fairly good with long hair. Nothing extraordinary, though. Diane. "Dressy casual", which means they couldn't think of a real style for her. I do like the lighter hair, though she'd look good in pretty much any hair color. Her face is that striking. Coryn's style is "sophisticated". Yes, I'm sure the girl with the drug addict mother will have no trouble pulling that off. She looks a lot like Tyra after the makeover, but not as much as Kesse did back in Cycle One. Kyle. "Chanel with an edge". Whatever. I didn't think I'd like her with dark hair, but I do. She looks good. Nik's style will be "bohemian chic". At least that one makes sense. Her fro's a little much, but she looks good overall. Ebony shall be "sophisticated with an edge". The braids look good. Cassandra's new style is "mod with an edge". Too bad her new style isn't "ugly ass haircut" because that's what she got. She looks awful. OJ tells everyone to work on their new styles.
Tyra Mail. It talks about "fashion cred", which Cassandra takes to mean that they're going shopping. I don't know where she got that from, but she's right, so what do I know? Nicole and Ebony go into the confessional and make fun of Cassandra's obsession with her hair. She does seem to be going on and on about it. Still, what do you think Nicole or Ebony's reaction would have been if they had gotten all of their hair chopped off and dyed to look like Dennis the Menace? Overjoyed? Nicole couldn't even buy chapstick without pitching a fit. Kyle thinks Cassandra's attitude about her hair might hurt her in the competition. Can't argue with that.
Commercials. Mmm...Reese's cookies. Strange that they'd show that during a modeling show, but I'm not complaining.
Morning. Kim complains about Cassandra's hair issues. Cassandra tells her boyfriend over the phone that he'll hate her new look. I've never met him and I don't know his tastes, but yes he will. The girls take the Monster Humvee (that thing needs a name) to Rodeo Drive. A man dressed basically in a clown suit comes out and introduces himself to jaunty circus music. He's James St. James, a "club kid" and personal style advocate. I'd say "pathetic attention whore" would be his personal style, and he embraces it in spades. He explains the challenge. Each girl gets $500 and 90 minutes to get an outfit that most fits the personal style that OJ assigned. The winner gets to keep her outfit. The girls run down the street and James chases them, holding a megaphone. This is creepy. It's like he's hunting them down so he can eat them. Cassandra doesn't really understand the mod style and asks Ebony for help. I don't really get the mod thing either. Does that mean modern? When I think mod, I immediately leap to swinging '60s style, like what they wore on Laugh-In or go-go dancers or something. I don't know. My friend Val would know more about it. The girls shop as the scary clown stalks them through the streets. This is more chilling than It. Fugly Lisa says she's a wardrobe assistant for a living, so she actually knows what she's doing. Damn. James will judge the challenge, and there's really not too much to say about it. Kim looks like she's trying out for the role of Sneed in Peter Pan. Diane and Nik look good, but James chooses Fugly Lisa as the winner. Fair enough. She gets to choose two friends, and she chooses Ebony and Kim (who thinks she should have won the challenge, which...not). Lisa gets to keep not only her outfit but three other items from the girls of her choice. Ebony and Kim each get to pick one item. They choose. It's boring. Sarah interviews that Fugly Lisa comes off as snotty and arrogant. I feel you, Sarah.
Back at the house, Fugly Lisa becomes completely intolerable, giving pointers to the other girls and saying things like "Are you listening? I'm trying to show you something." Kim looks like she's about to beat her in the face with a toaster. Kyle looks like she's on the brink of suicide. Kim mouths "Shut up!" in the background and does a freaking hilarious impression of Fugly Lisa once she leaves the room. Well, that scene had no point except to make Fugly Lisa look like a bitch, so I fully support it.
Commercials. Queen Latifah can do no wrong. She's a much cooler Cover Girl than Naima. And I like Naima!
Tyra Mail. It incorporates the phrase "seeing double". It instructs the girls to be ready at 6 AM, which would certainly make me see double. Cassandra thinks she'll have trouble with her new hair, but that they gave her this style for a reason. I don't have the heart to tell Cassandra that the reason is to make her look ugly so that she'd cry on national television. Morning. The girls ride out to some farm country. The Monster Humvee looks even uglier in this setting. OJ instructs the girls to pick a partner. They do. He then tells them that each pair will compete head-to-head by wearing the same outfit to see who pulls it off better. That's an interesting idea. They meet the photographer, Craig. The first pair will be Nik Vs. Bre. Hah! There's even the sound of a boxing bell. This show is so cheesy. The outfit is like schoolmarm meets prostitute meets Willy Wonka. Next is Sarah Vs. Coryn. They each hold a horse, and it snots all over Sarah's dress. Hehehe. They both do well. Fugly Lisa Vs. Ebony. Fugly Lisa's done her posing homework. Ebony completely sucks. Nicole Vs. Diane. Now, I like Diane and dislike Nicole, but even I can't ignore the fact that Nicole clearly blows her out of the water here. Kyle Vs. Kim. Kyle isn't done any favors by the fact that they've blown her hair out. Kim looks better in the outfit, which is weird. Jayla Vs. Cassandra. Cassandra's lucky here, because as bad as her hair looks, she at least knows how to pose, whereas Jayla seems out of her element. OJ hates Cassandra, which doesn't bode well for her. We all saw what falling out of Jay's favor did to Cycle One's Nicole. It's just as much bullshit now as it was then. Tyra Mail. Elimination the next day. Ebony is nervous. Fugly Lisa is confident. Cassandra says that pageants help you develop as a woman, whereas modeling is just more of a career. Huh? What the fuck is she talking about? Make sense, woman!
Commercials. Queen Latifah can still do no wrong, even though she's voicing-over this obnoxious Pizza Hut commercial.
We go into the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Naima and Tyra in the same dress. What's funny is that Naima is posed to look completely inferior to Tyra, who's standing proud. Stroke that ego, Tyra. You're far too timid. She introduces the judges, including guest judge James St. James. Nik! Stop pulling your damn hair back! The photos will be judged against each girl's partner. Whoever's got the better photo is automatically safe. That's interesting because... Well, we'll talk about it after the judges do. Sarah and Coryn are up first. They both look really good. If forced to choose, I'd pick Sarah, but I wouldn't disagree either way. Kyle and Kim. Yeah, Kyle's hair doesn't look good in this picture. Maybe the hat's messing it up or something. Cassandra and Jayla. Nigel tells Cassandra he loves her makeover. He's sweet to lie like that. Tyra's not happy with it, because it's not what she told the stylists to do. Twiggy discusses what it was like to get all of her hair chopped off, and that it changed her life. True, that. Tyra's not thrilled with Jayla's new hair, either. She tells both of them that if they survive this week, they're getting new looks. Now, to the photos. Cassandra is the clear winner in my eyes, and I'm not saying that because I like her. Jayla's too hunched over and her face is slack. Ebony and Fugly Lisa. This is hard for me. Very hard. OK, here goes. Fugly Lisa looks completely awesome. I don't know what it is about her, but she always looks very overblown and harsh in the show itself, but wonderful in her photographs. Helping her is the fact that Ebony looks like shit. She's kind of the inverse of Fugly Lisa. She's lovely in interviews and such, but her pictures just don't work. Nicole and Diane. Diane's too withdrawn and covered up in her photo. It pains me to say Nicole looks much better, but she does. Nik and Bre. They make Nik take her hair down. Thank God. They both rocked the photo, but the contrast between Nik's afro and the black dress is much prettier than Bre's black-on-black look. Plus, Nik is doing a really cool pose. How does she bend her butt like that without breaking her spine?
Commercials. Oh, another good reason to be gay. If some bitch took my razor and used it to shave her legs, I'd find a new use for it. One that involved her jugular.
Deliberations. Cassandra is pinched, but Jayla sucks too. Diane is ungainly. Ebony hasn't taken a good photo to date. Blah dee blah. Elimination. The six girls who "win" each of their mini-competitions is automatically granted safety in the overall competition. Cassandra is chosen first. See, this is what's weird, because if they just went on an individual basis, Cassandra might well have been in danger of being eliminated, but was saved by a poor performance from Jayla. So in a sense, it doesn't matter how crappy your photo is this week (although I don't think Cassandra's was as crappy as the judges say) as long as your partner was crappier. Conversely, if you take a great shot normally, but happen to lose to someone who had a good day (like in the Kyle/Kim showdown), you might find yourself out. It'd be interesting to see who would be eliminated if the pairings had been done another way.
Anyway, Cassandra's safe. Nicole. Coryn. Kim. Fugly Lisa. Nik. Now, one of the six "losers" will be the ultimate loser of the week. Bre is safe. Jayla. Sarah. Kyle. Will Diane and Ebony please step forward? Diane, your personality isn't being captured in photos. True. Ebony, you suck overall. True. Yes, Diane gets her photo, and Ebony will be the one to go. I don't hate Ebony, but this was the right choice. If you can't take a good picture, you can't be a model. Don't get it twisted. The girls cry. Well, Cassandra doesn't, because we're supposed to think she's a robot with no emotion. Man, I think they play the same "girl goes home" music every week. Ebony's sad. She says it's hard to hear people tell you that your dream will stay just that. She's remarkably composed about it for an eighteen-year-old girl, and says that this particular door has been closed, but that she'll just knock on twenty other ones. Good on you, Ebony. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Miss J shows up as a funhouse version of Esther Williams. Sarah and Kim are totally going to do it.
Overall Grade: C
Go Mommy, Go! We Can Beat Them!
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 1
Previously on The Amazing Race: Jonathan and Victoria ruined an entire season. Then Rob and Amber ruined an entire season. Who will ruin the entire season this time around? Let's find out!
We open in New York City. Phil informs us that we're experiencing an Amazing Race first: 10 families (with 4 members each) will be racing for one. million. dollars. He also neglects to insert his usual "around the world" into this speech, which is a big hint that this race will never leave the states. That's not very amazing. I guess The Unremarkable Race wouldn't have been as attractive to advertisers. The teams are now making their way to the Fulton Ferry State Park in Brooklyn in doofy-looking water taxis. Let's get acquainted, shall we?
The Gaghan Family: Glastonbury, Connecticut. Well, I'm certainly gaggin'. Mostly because young Billy irritates the piss out of me the second he opens his mouth. His sister Carissa doesn't seem too bad (although she claims to be "not schtoooopid"), and looks disturbingly like Dakota Fanning. Tammy (the mother) says that the other teams will "underestimate" them. She also says that the entire family runs marathons together and that Carissa can run a seven-minute mile. They all run marathons together? I should call my parents and thank them for never choosing a hobby like that for our family. Bill (the father) doesn't say a word, but is weirdly hot. That'll come in handy.
The Linz Family: Cincinnati, Ohio. A team of siblings made up of three brothers (Tommy, Nick and Alex), and one sister (Megan). Their introductory clip shows them flinging beanbags at each other. Whatever. Then we see a shot of the brothers doing bicep curls using their sister as the weight. I'm sure that wasn't their idea, but that will not be the last of the oddly incestuous things we'll see from them tonight. Freaks. Alex says that Megan and Tommy have a lot of maturing to do. Oh, and he mentions the electric company, which instantly puts the C....AT....CAT! M....AT....MAT! bit into my head. Tommy retorts that Alex is hardly one to talk about financial independence, given that he lives at home with the folks. Burn!
The Paolo Family: Carmel, New York. Mom, dad, and their two boys. Tony is a sanitation worker and Italian, but I am not even going there. He's thrilled with his wife Marion and sons DJ and Brian. It'd be nice to be charmed by Tony's story about coming to the states from Italy and living the American dream, but it's hard to swallow once his family spends the rest of the episode acting like complete dicks.
The Black Family: Woodbridge, Virginia. Mom (Kim), dad (Reggie), and their two boys (Kenneth and Austin). Hee. OK, let's get this out of the way. The Black family is black. Yes, it's juvenile. Yes, it's still funny. I hate their coordinated tye-dye shirts. Aside from that, all four of them are completely adorable, and pretty likable as well.
The Bransen Family: Park Ridge, Illinois. Father (Walter) and his three daughters (Lindsay, Elizabeth, and Lauren). Jeez, I can't tell any of the girls apart. One of the Triplets of NotQuiteBelleville says that when the three of them get together, they tend to make fun of their dad. Well, that's understandable. My sister and I do the same thing to any unlucky parent that happens to be in the room with us, although I think these three would be better off making fun of Dad's haircut (if that's even real hair) than his name. Wal-Dur isn't really that witty, ladies. Might want to work on that before you hit open mike night at the Chuckle Hut.
The Weaver Family: Ormond Beach, Florida. Speaking of bad hair. At least with the Bransens, it's just Walter. This family sure shows solidarity in their fug. Widow Linda is traveling with her three kids Rachel, Rebecca, and Rolly. They named a child Rolly? On purpose? OK, Weavers. You've got poorly dyed hair and a kid named Rolly. Care to go for the white trash hat trick? They do. Seems the father was called home to Jesus a bit early because he went out onto a racetrack to collect some debris and was run down by a car. I don't know the circumstances of the accident, and I don't want to make light of their tragedy, but yeah. Speeding racecars are often found on racetracks in the middle of races.
The Aiello Family: Mansfield, Massachusetts. Patriarch Tony is taking along his three sons-in-law Kevin, Matt, and David. That's an interesting family dynamic, given that none of these four are related by blood. I like them on sight, and I swear it has nothing to do with the fact that I find Matt extremely attractive. Well, maybe a little. But they do seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company, which is more than I can say for a lot of these teams.
The Shroeder Family: New Orleans, Louisiana. And yes, I have heard through the grapevine that this family has lost a great deal to Hurricane Katrina. How can we make ourselves feel even a tiny bit better about their loss? By meeting them. Father Mark and his two children Stassi and Hunter, along with Mark's second wife Char. Stassi? Char? Did they just choose names by pulling random Scrabble tiles out of a bag? The Schroeders are supposed to be our designated dickheads, since Char describes the family attitude as "we're right and everyone else is wrong" and Mark refers to his toolishness as a "boisterous attitude". I say supposed to be because they shan't be claiming the title of Most Hated Team tonight. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.
The Godlewski Family: Des Plaines, Illinois. Four sisters (Michelle, Christine, Sharon, and Tricia). All blond, all loud. They also play the "we'll be underestimated" card. And they're all wearing pink, which makes me a little barfy.
The Rogers Family: Shreveport, Louisiana. Mom (Renee), dad (Denny), and their two kids (Brittney and Brock). Denny does not get off to a promising start when he describes how he's the authority figure cause he's the man of the house. They also say that they'll be underestimated (like...are there even any teams left to underestimate all these people?) because they're from the South, and so people will give in to their preconceived notions about slow-witted southerners. I would suggest to them that if they wish to fight against that stereotype, they start by not thumping that Bible quite so loudly. Also, Denny says that people view southern charm as a weakness. He's welcome to start displaying that charm any time now. Both of the kids are very cute; Brittney in a bubbly-cheerleader kind of way and Brock in a homina-homina-duh kind of way.
Criminy, that's a lot of people. Well, the sooner we start, the sooner we can eliminate some of them. Phil explains the rules of the game, with the addition that teams will not have to pay for gasoline in addition to not paying for airline tickets (another hint that they're remaining stateside). He raises his arm for the traditional "Good luck. Travel safe. [fourteen years of silence]. GO!!!!!!" The teams dash for their luggage, and I notice that Little Miss Seven-Minute Mile isn't exactly tearing it up, here. Everyone reaches the clue. It tells them to drive themselves to SoHo (by going across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan) and find a store called Eastern Mountain Sports to pick up some camping gear. They get $150 dollars for the leg (and it seems like the camping gear will not be subtracted from this - what are they spending this money on?). Everyone piles into their ginormous SUVs. Billy (Gaghan) continues to bug by nonchalantly commenting that SoHo is a nice place, as if he brunches there on the weekends when he doesn't have any pressing business meetings. I really hope puberty knocks some of the priss out of this kid. The Weavers pull out of the parking lot first, and we're led into the opening credits with Linda celebrating their early lead by squealing like a goddamn pig.
Credits. These horrible "OK, everyone turn their heads to the camera...NOW!" shots have got to go. The teams hurriedly drive out of the parking lot and begin desperately searching for the Brooklyn Bridge. The Weavers have already lost their lead and are begging the Lord to help them find SoHo. Well, that was a quick slide from "We rock!" to "Help us win some money, Jesus!" There is really not much traffic around, which is pretty surprising. A few teams make some wrong turns, but everyone mostly finds their way onto the bridge without much trouble, though it's worth noting that some teams (like the Paolos) scream at each other about directions, while other teams (like...EVERYONE ELSE) manage to talk about their plans without having a complete batshit meltdown. The rest of the trip is a lot of interviews and intercutting, so we'll just hit the highlights: the Weavers call the Godlewskis the "Desperate Housewives", which is the dumbest nickname ever given by one team to another, ever. The Gaghans and the Linzes wind up side-by-side and agree to help each other find the store. The Godlewskis ask someone where the "town of SoHo" is.
Blood Ray: "Well, I guess if there can be a village of Greenwich, there can be a town of SoHo."
The Godlewskis get another nickname from the Schroeder car, the Pink Ladies. That suits them much better, although Mark follows up this comment with something witless about silicone, so they still suck. Reggie (Black) says that he needs the rest of the family to keep an eye out for the store, since he has to concentrate on driving. Kenneth says he'll look out of the left side of the car. Austin calls the right. They're really anxious to help and cooperate, and that whole family is just awesome. Plus? If I were straight, and Kim weren't married? Call me. In contrast we cut to the Paolos who are still sniping at each other. I'd say that they could not possibly need to shut up more, but I should pace myself with these twits.
The Linzes and Gaghans are the first to find Eastern Mountain Sports. They run in, pick up the gear that's assigned to them, grab their next clue, and run out. Riveting. The clue tells them to "find a frank on 91st between Park and Lexington." Phil exposits that they have to go more than 90 blocks to a hot dog stand to pick up their next clue. And who's manning the hot dog stand? Why it's Kevin and Drew, from Season 1! Why the producers passed up an opportunity to put Frank and Margarita there is beyond me. Maybe they didn't grow up listening to as many bad puns as I did. Thanks, Dad! The Godlewskis and Shroeders find the store next. The Paolos are still lost. The Paolos are still annoying.
Commercials. Buy the Season 1 DVDs and see Frank and Margarita! It's like they heard me 40 seconds too late.
The Paolos are still yelling. Yawn. I've decided to ignore them from now on unless they do anything of note. The Aiellos have found the store. So have the Weavers, who are ecstatic. I doubt I'd be as happy about falling from first place to sixth, but who am I to intrude on their joy? The Bransens and Rogers (I guess I should call them the Rogerses, but that sounds so goofy every time I say it - nobody minds if I flagrantly flout the laws of grammar this one time, right?) also find the store in short order, but not before the Weavers, still shrieking with happiness, knock over an entire display, then run out of the store. What are they doing as they run out? They're still screaming. The Bransens note this with disdain. I feel you, ladies. The Rogers come out and Brittney asks a local for directions in the most charming southern accent you could ever imagine. What is this strange feeling? It's almost as if my dislike of the Rogers family is slowly draining out. Of course, Denny hasn't spoken since the beginning of the episode. That may have a lot to do with it. Kenneth Black spots the store. Kenneth! That wasn't your side of the car to look out of! You're getting punished later! That puts the Paolos in last place. That puts the Paolos in last place. I'm sorry, I needed to say that twice in order to fully experience the moment.
On the way to the not-so-Frank stand, the Linz brothers all gang up on Megan, and Carissa Gaghan spots the highway they need. Man, the young kids are really pulling their weight today, what with the sign spotting. Except Billy of course. He still sucks. The Schroeder family is having some trouble with the now thicker traffic, so Mark says "Too bad we don't have any handicapped children we could push into traffic to block traffic to help us get ahead." The rest of the family laughs uproariously at this. Yeah, he's kidding. It doesn't matter. I'm not even offended on behalf of handicapped people. I'm offended on behalf of funny people. If you're going to denigrate other people, at least do it well. Char tells him that it's a good thing his mother goes to church; otherwise he'd be going straight to hell. Is that how church works? How many services does she have to go to to make up for one handicapped joke? If he tells a Pollack joke, does she have to go to more or fewer? The Bransens pass the Weavers. The Weavers? You guessed it. Scream. The Rogers are also catching up to the Weavers. Pop quiz: How do the Weavers respond to this?
The Linzes are the first to the hot dog stand. Megan grabs the clue. None of them recognize Kevin and Drew. Ouch! The clue tells them to cross the George Washington Bridge, and go 97 miles through New Jersey and into Pennsylvania to find Washington Crossing, where Washington...crossed. The Delaware River, that is. Carissa Gaghan jumps out of the car to grab their clue. They don't recognize Kevin and Drew either. Double ouch! Stassi Schroeder gets the clue. No recognition. Triple ouch! One of the Pink Ladies (who isn't Sharon, who is the only one I can pick out) gets the clue. No recognition. Quadruple ouch! Tony Aiello. Clue. Quintuple ouch! Two of the Bransen girls. Clue. Sextuple ouch! Drew watches them bounce away and says "I'd like to be on their team." Naughty! Brock (Rogers) and Rolly (Weaver) get to the hot dog stand at the same time. This time Kevin and Drew do a preemtive introduction. Brock and Rolly couldn't care less. I'll give that another two ouches. Octuple ouch!
Linda (Weaver) reads the clue, and is seriously confused by the word Pennsylvania. "I don't know if that means, like the state Pennsylvania?" she says. Oof. The Linzes stop for directions at a gas station. Gas is $2.19 a gallon. Ah, the good old days. They are also confused about the whole Pennsylvania thing, as are the Gaghans. Did all these people have to pass, like, some sort of negative IQ test before they were accepted on this show? It's Pennsylvania, not Liechtenstein. The Blacks find the hot dog stand, and I'm beyond the scope of my vocabulary for poor Kevin and Drew. Nontuple ouch? The Paolos finally arrive, and one of the boys (I'm not bothering to learn which is which) scores the first point for the family by knowing who Kevin and Drew are. Ah, validation.
Everyone has to stop and ask directions. I'm not sure how helpful any directions are going to be to the Weavers, since Linda is currently saying "Pennsylvania may be a state. I don't know. I'm just totally confused." Yeah. The only direction I'd give Linda is "Go back in time and have your tubes tied before you have any children so we can spare the world from your genes." They stop to look at a map a truck driver shows them. They offer to buy it and he gives it to them free. The normal thing to do would be to say "Thank you." But this is the Weavers we're talking about. "God bless you! Stick to the Lord! Do you know the Lord?!" Is she...proselytizing? To someone who just helped them? Oh, for the love of fuck. I almost wish I had been that truck driver, so that when she pulled that I could say "Yes, I know the Lord, and He just told me to tell you to give me my fucking map back."
First to Washington Crossing is the Aiellos. Yay! The Bransens are right on their tail. Semi-yay! Both teams grab a clue, which tells them to choose a rowboat (each with its own George Washington impersonator), row across the river, get a colonial 13-starred flag, row back, and observe a flag-folding ceremony. Aiellos rowing. Bransens rowing. The current looks really strong. Both teams do a good job, and are careful not to drag the flag in the water. The Shroeders are following the Pink Ladies, then get all mad when both teams get lost. Well, either work it out for yourselves or accept the consequences, dumbasses. Everyone's cranky.
Commercials. Oh, great. Another movie about golf. Those always do so well.
The Aiellos (I still feel funny calling them that, since only one is really an Aiello, but we'll go with it) are still rowing, and talking about "stroking it". Blood Ray and I exchange raised eyebrows, but that's just way too easy. The Rogers find the clue box. Yay? I'm still undecided on them. The Weavers find the clue box. Oh, this one is easy. BOO! The Gaghans find it. Yay, except for Billy! The Aiellos finish up their rowing just as the Weavers start theirs. Tony Aiello hands the flag to two more minutemen-lookin' guys, and talks about how patriotic he felt watching the flag get folded. Aw. I remember when I was patriotic. I miss it. They get their next clue. They have to go to Fairmount Park. Awesome! Oh, wait. They don't mean the horse track near here. They mean the one in Philadelphia. They'll be camping there for the night. Boring! The horse track would have been way better. Once the team pitches their tent properly, they get a ticket for a departure time: 10:00 AM, 10:30 AM, or 11:00 AM.
The Bransens finish up the flag ceremony. They're rightfully proud of being in second place. The Shroeders find the clue box, so they're in sixth. They jump into the river and start squabbling so uselessly that George Washington has to tell them how to do the task (his first hint: paddle together. Thanks, George! No wonder this country admires you so much). Brock and Rolly are once again neck and neck as they grab their flags. The Weaver boat totally takes off, leaving one of the daughters (whichever one has the worst dye job) swimming behind it, trying to catch up. Hah! The Rogers and Weavers head back and pass the Shroeders and Gaghans coming the other way. "How did they get here before us?" one of the Shroeders whines. Um, remember when you got really lost for a long time? Maybe then, genius.
The Rogers and Weavers head for Belmont Plateau (the campground in Fairmount Park where they'll be camping), still unable to shake each other. Brock is hot. The Gaghans completely dust the Shroeders on the river. You'll keep in mind that one of the Gaghans is a nine-year-old girl. Char tells Hunter not to dip the flag in the water because it's "sacrilegious or something." That's OK. I'm sure Mark's mom can just go to church until it's paid off. More beauty shots of the flag being folded. The Shroeders encounter no less than ten directional highway signs all right next to each other. The fuck? Maybe the Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce can use that for their next tourism ad. Come to Pennsylvania and get totally back assward lost! The Blacks arrive and once again, one of the kids (I can't tell which) spots the clue box that Reggie has just blown by. Good job! Shots of all the remaining teams driving around lost. The Blacks aren't really doing a great job on the river, and Austin is on the brink of tears because he can't fight the current. Aw.
Commercials. I called dibs on Kate Winslet before Blood Ray. Sweet. Then he turns around and calls Bill Gaghan before me. Fucker.
The Blacks are still having river issues. The Aiellos are already arriving at the campsite. Yay! They find a bunch of bored-looking boy scouts. Love America! Love it! Are you loving it yet? Better say yes, damn it! The Bransens and Rogers are a bit lost, so the Weavers find the campsite next. Boo! You'll never guess what they do when they find it. They scream. Again. Some more. There's a bit of a mini-race to see who can put the tent up first, but the Aiellos figure out that the tent poles are color-coded and efficiently work together, whereas the Weavers don't know what Pennsylvania is. The Gaghans pull into the campsite in third. Nice job. The Bransens finally arrive. The Aiellos finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are happy about it). The Weavers finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are upset about it). It's the earliest time! Man, they're dumb. Carissa hammers away on her tent spike. The Gaghans get a 10:00 departure ticket too. The Bransens are done, but getting lost cost them; they're the first team to get a 10:30 ticket.
Kenneth and Austin are picking up their flag. The Pink Ladies finally find Washington's Crossing. Wow, they fell really far back. They kick the river's ass, though. The Linzes find it next. Even with three muscly boys, they seem to struggle significantly more than the Pink Ladies did. They finish up with their flag ceremony as the Paolos pull in, still firmly in last place. The Rogers get to the campsite, and the Aiellos help them put their tent up. Aw. So even though the Rogers got lost, they'll be leaving at 10:30 with the Bransens. The Shroeders arrive, and nobody volunteers to help them with their tent. Awesome. They're 10:30 too. The Paolos give their flag to the minuteman, and Marion rudely asks them to speed it up. Uh, oh. Duck and cover! Sure enough, as they jog back to their car, she drops the clue onto the ground without noticing.
Blood Ray: "See? Disrespect the flag and lose your clue."
They manage to almost get onto the wrong highway. Disrespect the flag and get lost! Although, they've been getting lost since they took their first step away from the starting line, so whatever. They realize they don't have the clue, and Marion squawks that they have to go back. "Un-friggin'-believable!" one of the brats yells. Disrespect the flag and be stuck with a shitty family!
Commercials. Portraying gas stations as wonderful havens and bastions of customer service may not be the wisest idea at this time. I'm just saying.
The Paolos earn their second point by remembering what the clue said, so they decide to go on without it. The Blacks hit the campsite to cheers from the other teams. They also get help from others on their tent. Suck it, Shroeders! Carissa hammers away at a tent spike, much as she did before. She really enjoys that. The Blacks will be leaving at 11:00. Sucks for them. They finally get a lead on the trailing teams, and now they're bunched back with them. Oh, well. Nature of the game. They're still pleased with how they're doing, capping it with a little cheer. One, two, three...BLACK FAMILY! That is still hilarious, by the way. The Pink Ladies arrive and also get loads of help with the tent. Suck it some more, Shroeders! The Pink Ladies say that they have chocolate chip cookies for everyone. Score! And the Paolos aren't there, so they won't get any. Double score! The Linzes finally arrive. More tent help. Carissa is back on the tent spike. Hehehe. The Paolos find their way to the campsite, and much as I hate them, that's pretty impressive without the clue.
Rainy morning. Ew. Camping in the rain is the worst. 10:00 AM. The Aiellos, Weavers, and Gaghans get their clue. They have to go another 90 odd miles to Brubaker Farm in Mount Joy, Pennsylvania. Amish country! I've been there. Good apple butter. We get some shots of cows to make sure that we get that they're going to a farm. Thanks, editors. I was confused for a second, there. The Weavers talk about how much they love God. Glad to hear it. 10:30 AM. Bransens, Shroeders, and Rogers. Char has a really ugly raincoat. Even that can't compete with the hat that one of the Bransen girls is wearing, though. It's like a powder blue newsboy cap. Does she think she's Carrie Bradshaw? Take that shit off. The Shroeders decide to follow the Rogers. Because following a team worked out so well for them before. 11:00 AM. Loser teams. That is, the Blacks, the Pink Ladies (Godlewskis), the Linzes, and the Paolos. One of the Linzes lusts after one of the Pink Ladies. I almost wish he'd go for it so we could see her shoot him down. The Paolos, you'll be shocked to learn, are fighting and already lost. More cow shots.
The Weavers pass some Amish kids and are first to the clue. Grrrr. And this will be our first Detour: Build It or Buggy It. In Build It, teams are given a bunch of materials and tools, and they have to build a miniature working waterwheel. In Buggy It, teams have to push an Amish buggy one and a half miles with two team members riding inside. The way Phil explains it, it sounds pretty balanced. The Weavers choose the buggy, as do the Aiellos and Gaghans, who arrive just after them. As the Aiellos catch up to the Weavers, both teams approach a downhill slope. The Weaver buggy begins to pick up speed, and they lose control, unable to apply the brake for whatever reason. Linda hits the ground and the buggy freaking runs over her. I mean, it looks like she was extremely lucky in that it passed over her without hitting her, but still. The woman whose husband got run over by a car just got run over by a buggy while her children watched. That must have been completely terrifying for them. One really has to wonder if God's as wild about them as they are about Him.
Commercials. Watch this crime drama on CBS! Or this other crime drama on CBS! Or this third crime drama on CBS!
The show is kind enough to replay the buggy incident for those with an extremely short memory. It looks like the Weavers are not only lucky that Linda didn't get hit, but that the runaway buggy kind of rolls up onto a nearby hill and stops on its own, rather than crashing into the nearby building, which could have been really bad. Linda seems to think it was a faulty brake on the buggy. I couldn't really tell if it was defective or they just didn't know how to work it properly. They interview about how scary it was, but score a point by shaking it off fairly quickly. The Aiellos pass them by, so they choose to ditch the buggy and go build the waterwheel, warning the Gaghans as they pass by to check their own brakes.
The Bransens are lost again. So are the Rogers and Shroeders. The Linzes seem to be on the right path, and one of them in the back seat reaches up and tickles whoever's driving (I can't really differentiate the brothers right now), under his armpit. Um, ew. If you're an adult, raise your hand if you consider tickling your adult sibling not-at-all creepy. Those of you with your hands up, please use it on the nearest phone to seek counseling immediately. The Pink Ladies seem to be doing fine too, both in directions and in not engaging in weird sibling behavior. The Blacks and Paolos are trailing. By some weird quirk, the Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens all arrive at Mount Joy at the same time. In a fateful decision, the Linzes head for the buggy, while the Pink Ladies go for the waterwheel. They wish each other luck. Aw. The Bransens head for the waterwheel as well. In the Linz buggy, that...other brother cuts one, which cracks Megan up. Those of you who think it's charming when the sibling sitting three inches from you rips ass, raise your hand. Hey, it's the same people! And you're still crazy! We get another shot of cows, which I swear is like the twentieth one we've seen so far.
Meanwhile, the Gaghans are catching up on the Aiellos. That makes sense, given that they're toting two little kids, who are bound to be lighter than Tony and big, strong Matt. Ah, Matt. Hang on, I'm gonna just drift for a second... OK, I'm back. That was pleasant. Less pleasant is Billy Gaghan singing "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain When She Comes" in an irritating Western accent. Well, at least he's singing something from the public domain. That'll save the show money. The Aiellos look pissed, though I can't tell if it's due to getting passed, or listening to the kids merrily singing. Another shot of cows! Cripes. We're back watching the builders. The Blacks arrive at Mount Joy, and choose the waterwheel. Another shot of cows! The Gaghans reach the halfway point of the buggy course and turn around. A shot of a goat. Well, that's changing it up. Billy Gaghan says he wishes he could contribute more. Carissa: "Get used to it, dork." Hah! Awesome. The Shroeders find Mount Joy and go for the waterwheel. So do the Rogers. The Paolos are once again last. Well, I hate them, but I can take comfort in the fact that there's no way in hell they're winning this race. They choose waterwheel too. The Shroeders call the Paolos "the jerky team" or "the Jersey team", I don't know which. I'll pick whichever one is more insulting. The Linzes are having buggy issues.
Commercials. A movie with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker? Why not just show two hours of paint drying? It'll pull in more money.
The Linzes are at a standstill. They eventually get moving. The Weavers are done with their waterwheel. Huh? They started with the buggy, failed, came back, and built the waterwheel all before the team that started the buggy at the same time finished it? That's fishy. They head for the pit stop, two blue silos at Rohrer Family Farm in Lancaster, 17 miles away. The building teams are all still building, and it looks like the Blacks are significantly behind. The Pink Ladies are done building. OK, what the fuck? They arrived at the Detour in fifth place, and have now passed all of the teams that got there in front of them (all of whom chose the buggy), and are leaving in second place. There is absolutely, even given the Aiellos' weight, no way that the Pink Ladies should have beaten them. In short, it's an extremely poorly designed Detour, with the buggy having zero advantages. Speaking of, the Gaghans finally finish it. The Bransens are done with their waterwheel, and it looks like they take a wrong turn when they leave, though I can't really tell. The Aiellos are done with the buggy. God, finally. The Linzes are still buggying, and not doing very well, having to take several breaks for water. Over still more shots of cows, whichever brother was in the buggy and farted decides he has to puke. Since he's not the one doing any of the manual labor, I really don't see why. Motion sickness? Whatever. He's extremely impressed with himself afterwards. Yeah, you're uber. That's why eight other people, including two young kids, managed to go a mile and a half without rowlfing.
The Weavers thank the Lord for not being hurt in the buggy accident, and I totally feel them on that one. Of course, the second they do, they get hopelessly lost, so it seems that God still kind of hates them. The Pink Ladies are on the right track, but one of them (Tricia, maybe?) babbles endlessly and unhelpfully about what road they're going to, while the others are trying to discuss what road they're actually on. Shut up, Possibly Tricia. The Gaghans deservedly congratulate themselves on a job well done with the buggy. Back in the Pink Lady car, another sister brays about how blue silos are a popular color. They are? No, they're not. Shut up, Possibly Christine. The Weavers are being annoying again and the Gaghans are being cute again, but all for naught. Despite their bickering, the Pink Ladies have found the silos and hit the mat as team number one. The greeter is adorable, and seems fairly bemused at their squeals of joy. They win $20,000. Jeebus! They all begin talking at the same time, which I'd find more annoying if they weren't all sisters. My stepsisters do that constantly. It's kinda funny.
The Weavers and Gaghans pull in to the farm at the same time, and it's a footrace to the mat. They don't know they're not fighting over first place, but it's awesome to watch them battle for a meaningless position, since they'll be leaving two seconds apart on the next leg anyway. The Gaghans dust the Weavers. Nice! I like the Gaghans much more than I did at the beginning of the episode. The Aiellos and Bransens are on their way, the latter family worrying about being lost. I'd worry more about that goddamn hat, Bransen lady girl (seriously, they're indistinguishable at this point). Back at the Detour, the Blacks are still progressing very slowly, the Paolos are still fighting, the Shroeders are having some problems finding all their parts, and the Rogers are done. Yay! Wow, I like them a lot more than I did at the beginning, too. They take off for the pit stop. The Linzes drag the buggy. You'll remember that they arrived in Mount Joy at the same time as the Pink Ladies, who are now enjoying their 20 grand at the pit stop. Bad Detour + They Suck = Ouch. The Shroeders manage to get a part of their waterwheel wedged incorrectly.
Commercials. I don't know about you, but if it starts raining shoes on me as I'm walking down the street, I'm not going to be as happy about it as these morons.
The Shroeders work it out, and they're off. The Paolos are done, too. This Detour is 97 kinds of confusing. The Blacks arrived at the Detour in seventh place and chose the waterwheel, but have been passed by the Rogers, Shroeders, and Paolos, who all seemed to arrive a pretty long time after they did. Are they that terrible at the building? In the car to the pit stop, the Paolo boys yell at their mom for pretty much no reason until she starts crying. Tony does nothing about it. They're all so charming. I wish I could have Thanksgiving with them. So I could shove a wishbone down their throats. The Blacks build their waterwheel shittily. The Linzes pull their buggy shittily.
Aha! Through clever use of the pause button and CBS.com, I have decided that the Bransen girl with the ugly hat is Elizabeth. Aren't you glad? Shut up, Elizabeth's hat. The Aiellos hit some bad traffic. "This is incredibly nerve-wracking for a Boston driver," David says. Well, sure. The rest of us love gridlock. The Rogers have found the pit stop, and check in as team number four. Sweet. They made up all sorts of time. More shots of cows. The Shroeders hit as team five. The fucking Paolos fucking find the silos and fucking check in as fucking team fucking six. Fuck. Cows! The Linzes' gym-toned bodies are powerless against the awesome force of their buggy. COWS!! The Blacks finish up their waterwheel. Austin goes to get some water and falls in a little stream. He yells for help. I want to be like, "kid, just stand up...you're fine", but he's just so darn cute. I mean, look at him! Reggie comes and plucks him out of the stream.
The Bransens find the silos, having fallen from fifth to seventh. They are the worst navigators ever. The Aiellos find the silos, having fallen from second to eighth. I take it back. They're the worst navigators ever. The Blacks and Linzes are done with their respective Detours, and take different roads to Lancaster. Both teams are worried, but the Blacks are dealing with it by supporting each other, while the Linzes are dealing with it by bickering. The Linzes seem to spot the silos first, though they take about 40 years to figure out that they're blue. The editing makes it look extremely close, but I'm thinking it's not. The Linzes manage to hit the mat in ninth. Crap. The Blacks are nowhere to be seen as they check in. They finally arrive and are eliminated. Austin and Kenneth are clearly about to burst into tears, but manage to hold it together. That's OK, I'll burst into tears for them. I didn't, but if I were watching this alone, I probably would have. They all talk about how proud they are of each other, and how it was the opportunity of a lifetime. Oh, this sucks. I really wish they could have hung in there for longer.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Instead of watching the awesome Black family, we get to watch the Paolo family continue to do everything but the one thing they need, which is to shut the fuck up. The teams wander into a Civil War reenactment, and it looks like Walter might just join the corpses there. Oh, by the way? The answer to the pop quiz: By screaming. If you got it wrong, you have to wear a dunce cap for a week. No, make it Elizabeth's hat. That'd be crueler.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on The Amazing Race: Jonathan and Victoria ruined an entire season. Then Rob and Amber ruined an entire season. Who will ruin the entire season this time around? Let's find out!
We open in New York City. Phil informs us that we're experiencing an Amazing Race first: 10 families (with 4 members each) will be racing for one. million. dollars. He also neglects to insert his usual "around the world" into this speech, which is a big hint that this race will never leave the states. That's not very amazing. I guess The Unremarkable Race wouldn't have been as attractive to advertisers. The teams are now making their way to the Fulton Ferry State Park in Brooklyn in doofy-looking water taxis. Let's get acquainted, shall we?
The Gaghan Family: Glastonbury, Connecticut. Well, I'm certainly gaggin'. Mostly because young Billy irritates the piss out of me the second he opens his mouth. His sister Carissa doesn't seem too bad (although she claims to be "not schtoooopid"), and looks disturbingly like Dakota Fanning. Tammy (the mother) says that the other teams will "underestimate" them. She also says that the entire family runs marathons together and that Carissa can run a seven-minute mile. They all run marathons together? I should call my parents and thank them for never choosing a hobby like that for our family. Bill (the father) doesn't say a word, but is weirdly hot. That'll come in handy.
The Linz Family: Cincinnati, Ohio. A team of siblings made up of three brothers (Tommy, Nick and Alex), and one sister (Megan). Their introductory clip shows them flinging beanbags at each other. Whatever. Then we see a shot of the brothers doing bicep curls using their sister as the weight. I'm sure that wasn't their idea, but that will not be the last of the oddly incestuous things we'll see from them tonight. Freaks. Alex says that Megan and Tommy have a lot of maturing to do. Oh, and he mentions the electric company, which instantly puts the C....AT....CAT! M....AT....MAT! bit into my head. Tommy retorts that Alex is hardly one to talk about financial independence, given that he lives at home with the folks. Burn!
The Paolo Family: Carmel, New York. Mom, dad, and their two boys. Tony is a sanitation worker and Italian, but I am not even going there. He's thrilled with his wife Marion and sons DJ and Brian. It'd be nice to be charmed by Tony's story about coming to the states from Italy and living the American dream, but it's hard to swallow once his family spends the rest of the episode acting like complete dicks.
The Black Family: Woodbridge, Virginia. Mom (Kim), dad (Reggie), and their two boys (Kenneth and Austin). Hee. OK, let's get this out of the way. The Black family is black. Yes, it's juvenile. Yes, it's still funny. I hate their coordinated tye-dye shirts. Aside from that, all four of them are completely adorable, and pretty likable as well.
The Bransen Family: Park Ridge, Illinois. Father (Walter) and his three daughters (Lindsay, Elizabeth, and Lauren). Jeez, I can't tell any of the girls apart. One of the Triplets of NotQuiteBelleville says that when the three of them get together, they tend to make fun of their dad. Well, that's understandable. My sister and I do the same thing to any unlucky parent that happens to be in the room with us, although I think these three would be better off making fun of Dad's haircut (if that's even real hair) than his name. Wal-Dur isn't really that witty, ladies. Might want to work on that before you hit open mike night at the Chuckle Hut.
The Weaver Family: Ormond Beach, Florida. Speaking of bad hair. At least with the Bransens, it's just Walter. This family sure shows solidarity in their fug. Widow Linda is traveling with her three kids Rachel, Rebecca, and Rolly. They named a child Rolly? On purpose? OK, Weavers. You've got poorly dyed hair and a kid named Rolly. Care to go for the white trash hat trick? They do. Seems the father was called home to Jesus a bit early because he went out onto a racetrack to collect some debris and was run down by a car. I don't know the circumstances of the accident, and I don't want to make light of their tragedy, but yeah. Speeding racecars are often found on racetracks in the middle of races.
The Aiello Family: Mansfield, Massachusetts. Patriarch Tony is taking along his three sons-in-law Kevin, Matt, and David. That's an interesting family dynamic, given that none of these four are related by blood. I like them on sight, and I swear it has nothing to do with the fact that I find Matt extremely attractive. Well, maybe a little. But they do seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company, which is more than I can say for a lot of these teams.
The Shroeder Family: New Orleans, Louisiana. And yes, I have heard through the grapevine that this family has lost a great deal to Hurricane Katrina. How can we make ourselves feel even a tiny bit better about their loss? By meeting them. Father Mark and his two children Stassi and Hunter, along with Mark's second wife Char. Stassi? Char? Did they just choose names by pulling random Scrabble tiles out of a bag? The Schroeders are supposed to be our designated dickheads, since Char describes the family attitude as "we're right and everyone else is wrong" and Mark refers to his toolishness as a "boisterous attitude". I say supposed to be because they shan't be claiming the title of Most Hated Team tonight. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.
The Godlewski Family: Des Plaines, Illinois. Four sisters (Michelle, Christine, Sharon, and Tricia). All blond, all loud. They also play the "we'll be underestimated" card. And they're all wearing pink, which makes me a little barfy.
The Rogers Family: Shreveport, Louisiana. Mom (Renee), dad (Denny), and their two kids (Brittney and Brock). Denny does not get off to a promising start when he describes how he's the authority figure cause he's the man of the house. They also say that they'll be underestimated (like...are there even any teams left to underestimate all these people?) because they're from the South, and so people will give in to their preconceived notions about slow-witted southerners. I would suggest to them that if they wish to fight against that stereotype, they start by not thumping that Bible quite so loudly. Also, Denny says that people view southern charm as a weakness. He's welcome to start displaying that charm any time now. Both of the kids are very cute; Brittney in a bubbly-cheerleader kind of way and Brock in a homina-homina-duh kind of way.
Criminy, that's a lot of people. Well, the sooner we start, the sooner we can eliminate some of them. Phil explains the rules of the game, with the addition that teams will not have to pay for gasoline in addition to not paying for airline tickets (another hint that they're remaining stateside). He raises his arm for the traditional "Good luck. Travel safe. [fourteen years of silence]. GO!!!!!!" The teams dash for their luggage, and I notice that Little Miss Seven-Minute Mile isn't exactly tearing it up, here. Everyone reaches the clue. It tells them to drive themselves to SoHo (by going across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan) and find a store called Eastern Mountain Sports to pick up some camping gear. They get $150 dollars for the leg (and it seems like the camping gear will not be subtracted from this - what are they spending this money on?). Everyone piles into their ginormous SUVs. Billy (Gaghan) continues to bug by nonchalantly commenting that SoHo is a nice place, as if he brunches there on the weekends when he doesn't have any pressing business meetings. I really hope puberty knocks some of the priss out of this kid. The Weavers pull out of the parking lot first, and we're led into the opening credits with Linda celebrating their early lead by squealing like a goddamn pig.
Credits. These horrible "OK, everyone turn their heads to the camera...NOW!" shots have got to go. The teams hurriedly drive out of the parking lot and begin desperately searching for the Brooklyn Bridge. The Weavers have already lost their lead and are begging the Lord to help them find SoHo. Well, that was a quick slide from "We rock!" to "Help us win some money, Jesus!" There is really not much traffic around, which is pretty surprising. A few teams make some wrong turns, but everyone mostly finds their way onto the bridge without much trouble, though it's worth noting that some teams (like the Paolos) scream at each other about directions, while other teams (like...EVERYONE ELSE) manage to talk about their plans without having a complete batshit meltdown. The rest of the trip is a lot of interviews and intercutting, so we'll just hit the highlights: the Weavers call the Godlewskis the "Desperate Housewives", which is the dumbest nickname ever given by one team to another, ever. The Gaghans and the Linzes wind up side-by-side and agree to help each other find the store. The Godlewskis ask someone where the "town of SoHo" is.
Blood Ray: "Well, I guess if there can be a village of Greenwich, there can be a town of SoHo."
The Godlewskis get another nickname from the Schroeder car, the Pink Ladies. That suits them much better, although Mark follows up this comment with something witless about silicone, so they still suck. Reggie (Black) says that he needs the rest of the family to keep an eye out for the store, since he has to concentrate on driving. Kenneth says he'll look out of the left side of the car. Austin calls the right. They're really anxious to help and cooperate, and that whole family is just awesome. Plus? If I were straight, and Kim weren't married? Call me. In contrast we cut to the Paolos who are still sniping at each other. I'd say that they could not possibly need to shut up more, but I should pace myself with these twits.
The Linzes and Gaghans are the first to find Eastern Mountain Sports. They run in, pick up the gear that's assigned to them, grab their next clue, and run out. Riveting. The clue tells them to "find a frank on 91st between Park and Lexington." Phil exposits that they have to go more than 90 blocks to a hot dog stand to pick up their next clue. And who's manning the hot dog stand? Why it's Kevin and Drew, from Season 1! Why the producers passed up an opportunity to put Frank and Margarita there is beyond me. Maybe they didn't grow up listening to as many bad puns as I did. Thanks, Dad! The Godlewskis and Shroeders find the store next. The Paolos are still lost. The Paolos are still annoying.
Commercials. Buy the Season 1 DVDs and see Frank and Margarita! It's like they heard me 40 seconds too late.
The Paolos are still yelling. Yawn. I've decided to ignore them from now on unless they do anything of note. The Aiellos have found the store. So have the Weavers, who are ecstatic. I doubt I'd be as happy about falling from first place to sixth, but who am I to intrude on their joy? The Bransens and Rogers (I guess I should call them the Rogerses, but that sounds so goofy every time I say it - nobody minds if I flagrantly flout the laws of grammar this one time, right?) also find the store in short order, but not before the Weavers, still shrieking with happiness, knock over an entire display, then run out of the store. What are they doing as they run out? They're still screaming. The Bransens note this with disdain. I feel you, ladies. The Rogers come out and Brittney asks a local for directions in the most charming southern accent you could ever imagine. What is this strange feeling? It's almost as if my dislike of the Rogers family is slowly draining out. Of course, Denny hasn't spoken since the beginning of the episode. That may have a lot to do with it. Kenneth Black spots the store. Kenneth! That wasn't your side of the car to look out of! You're getting punished later! That puts the Paolos in last place. That puts the Paolos in last place. I'm sorry, I needed to say that twice in order to fully experience the moment.
On the way to the not-so-Frank stand, the Linz brothers all gang up on Megan, and Carissa Gaghan spots the highway they need. Man, the young kids are really pulling their weight today, what with the sign spotting. Except Billy of course. He still sucks. The Schroeder family is having some trouble with the now thicker traffic, so Mark says "Too bad we don't have any handicapped children we could push into traffic to block traffic to help us get ahead." The rest of the family laughs uproariously at this. Yeah, he's kidding. It doesn't matter. I'm not even offended on behalf of handicapped people. I'm offended on behalf of funny people. If you're going to denigrate other people, at least do it well. Char tells him that it's a good thing his mother goes to church; otherwise he'd be going straight to hell. Is that how church works? How many services does she have to go to to make up for one handicapped joke? If he tells a Pollack joke, does she have to go to more or fewer? The Bransens pass the Weavers. The Weavers? You guessed it. Scream. The Rogers are also catching up to the Weavers. Pop quiz: How do the Weavers respond to this?
The Linzes are the first to the hot dog stand. Megan grabs the clue. None of them recognize Kevin and Drew. Ouch! The clue tells them to cross the George Washington Bridge, and go 97 miles through New Jersey and into Pennsylvania to find Washington Crossing, where Washington...crossed. The Delaware River, that is. Carissa Gaghan jumps out of the car to grab their clue. They don't recognize Kevin and Drew either. Double ouch! Stassi Schroeder gets the clue. No recognition. Triple ouch! One of the Pink Ladies (who isn't Sharon, who is the only one I can pick out) gets the clue. No recognition. Quadruple ouch! Tony Aiello. Clue. Quintuple ouch! Two of the Bransen girls. Clue. Sextuple ouch! Drew watches them bounce away and says "I'd like to be on their team." Naughty! Brock (Rogers) and Rolly (Weaver) get to the hot dog stand at the same time. This time Kevin and Drew do a preemtive introduction. Brock and Rolly couldn't care less. I'll give that another two ouches. Octuple ouch!
Linda (Weaver) reads the clue, and is seriously confused by the word Pennsylvania. "I don't know if that means, like the state Pennsylvania?" she says. Oof. The Linzes stop for directions at a gas station. Gas is $2.19 a gallon. Ah, the good old days. They are also confused about the whole Pennsylvania thing, as are the Gaghans. Did all these people have to pass, like, some sort of negative IQ test before they were accepted on this show? It's Pennsylvania, not Liechtenstein. The Blacks find the hot dog stand, and I'm beyond the scope of my vocabulary for poor Kevin and Drew. Nontuple ouch? The Paolos finally arrive, and one of the boys (I'm not bothering to learn which is which) scores the first point for the family by knowing who Kevin and Drew are. Ah, validation.
Everyone has to stop and ask directions. I'm not sure how helpful any directions are going to be to the Weavers, since Linda is currently saying "Pennsylvania may be a state. I don't know. I'm just totally confused." Yeah. The only direction I'd give Linda is "Go back in time and have your tubes tied before you have any children so we can spare the world from your genes." They stop to look at a map a truck driver shows them. They offer to buy it and he gives it to them free. The normal thing to do would be to say "Thank you." But this is the Weavers we're talking about. "God bless you! Stick to the Lord! Do you know the Lord?!" Is she...proselytizing? To someone who just helped them? Oh, for the love of fuck. I almost wish I had been that truck driver, so that when she pulled that I could say "Yes, I know the Lord, and He just told me to tell you to give me my fucking map back."
First to Washington Crossing is the Aiellos. Yay! The Bransens are right on their tail. Semi-yay! Both teams grab a clue, which tells them to choose a rowboat (each with its own George Washington impersonator), row across the river, get a colonial 13-starred flag, row back, and observe a flag-folding ceremony. Aiellos rowing. Bransens rowing. The current looks really strong. Both teams do a good job, and are careful not to drag the flag in the water. The Shroeders are following the Pink Ladies, then get all mad when both teams get lost. Well, either work it out for yourselves or accept the consequences, dumbasses. Everyone's cranky.
Commercials. Oh, great. Another movie about golf. Those always do so well.
The Aiellos (I still feel funny calling them that, since only one is really an Aiello, but we'll go with it) are still rowing, and talking about "stroking it". Blood Ray and I exchange raised eyebrows, but that's just way too easy. The Rogers find the clue box. Yay? I'm still undecided on them. The Weavers find the clue box. Oh, this one is easy. BOO! The Gaghans find it. Yay, except for Billy! The Aiellos finish up their rowing just as the Weavers start theirs. Tony Aiello hands the flag to two more minutemen-lookin' guys, and talks about how patriotic he felt watching the flag get folded. Aw. I remember when I was patriotic. I miss it. They get their next clue. They have to go to Fairmount Park. Awesome! Oh, wait. They don't mean the horse track near here. They mean the one in Philadelphia. They'll be camping there for the night. Boring! The horse track would have been way better. Once the team pitches their tent properly, they get a ticket for a departure time: 10:00 AM, 10:30 AM, or 11:00 AM.
The Bransens finish up the flag ceremony. They're rightfully proud of being in second place. The Shroeders find the clue box, so they're in sixth. They jump into the river and start squabbling so uselessly that George Washington has to tell them how to do the task (his first hint: paddle together. Thanks, George! No wonder this country admires you so much). Brock and Rolly are once again neck and neck as they grab their flags. The Weaver boat totally takes off, leaving one of the daughters (whichever one has the worst dye job) swimming behind it, trying to catch up. Hah! The Rogers and Weavers head back and pass the Shroeders and Gaghans coming the other way. "How did they get here before us?" one of the Shroeders whines. Um, remember when you got really lost for a long time? Maybe then, genius.
The Rogers and Weavers head for Belmont Plateau (the campground in Fairmount Park where they'll be camping), still unable to shake each other. Brock is hot. The Gaghans completely dust the Shroeders on the river. You'll keep in mind that one of the Gaghans is a nine-year-old girl. Char tells Hunter not to dip the flag in the water because it's "sacrilegious or something." That's OK. I'm sure Mark's mom can just go to church until it's paid off. More beauty shots of the flag being folded. The Shroeders encounter no less than ten directional highway signs all right next to each other. The fuck? Maybe the Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce can use that for their next tourism ad. Come to Pennsylvania and get totally back assward lost! The Blacks arrive and once again, one of the kids (I can't tell which) spots the clue box that Reggie has just blown by. Good job! Shots of all the remaining teams driving around lost. The Blacks aren't really doing a great job on the river, and Austin is on the brink of tears because he can't fight the current. Aw.
Commercials. I called dibs on Kate Winslet before Blood Ray. Sweet. Then he turns around and calls Bill Gaghan before me. Fucker.
The Blacks are still having river issues. The Aiellos are already arriving at the campsite. Yay! They find a bunch of bored-looking boy scouts. Love America! Love it! Are you loving it yet? Better say yes, damn it! The Bransens and Rogers are a bit lost, so the Weavers find the campsite next. Boo! You'll never guess what they do when they find it. They scream. Again. Some more. There's a bit of a mini-race to see who can put the tent up first, but the Aiellos figure out that the tent poles are color-coded and efficiently work together, whereas the Weavers don't know what Pennsylvania is. The Gaghans pull into the campsite in third. Nice job. The Bransens finally arrive. The Aiellos finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are happy about it). The Weavers finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are upset about it). It's the earliest time! Man, they're dumb. Carissa hammers away on her tent spike. The Gaghans get a 10:00 departure ticket too. The Bransens are done, but getting lost cost them; they're the first team to get a 10:30 ticket.
Kenneth and Austin are picking up their flag. The Pink Ladies finally find Washington's Crossing. Wow, they fell really far back. They kick the river's ass, though. The Linzes find it next. Even with three muscly boys, they seem to struggle significantly more than the Pink Ladies did. They finish up with their flag ceremony as the Paolos pull in, still firmly in last place. The Rogers get to the campsite, and the Aiellos help them put their tent up. Aw. So even though the Rogers got lost, they'll be leaving at 10:30 with the Bransens. The Shroeders arrive, and nobody volunteers to help them with their tent. Awesome. They're 10:30 too. The Paolos give their flag to the minuteman, and Marion rudely asks them to speed it up. Uh, oh. Duck and cover! Sure enough, as they jog back to their car, she drops the clue onto the ground without noticing.
Blood Ray: "See? Disrespect the flag and lose your clue."
They manage to almost get onto the wrong highway. Disrespect the flag and get lost! Although, they've been getting lost since they took their first step away from the starting line, so whatever. They realize they don't have the clue, and Marion squawks that they have to go back. "Un-friggin'-believable!" one of the brats yells. Disrespect the flag and be stuck with a shitty family!
Commercials. Portraying gas stations as wonderful havens and bastions of customer service may not be the wisest idea at this time. I'm just saying.
The Paolos earn their second point by remembering what the clue said, so they decide to go on without it. The Blacks hit the campsite to cheers from the other teams. They also get help from others on their tent. Suck it, Shroeders! Carissa hammers away at a tent spike, much as she did before. She really enjoys that. The Blacks will be leaving at 11:00. Sucks for them. They finally get a lead on the trailing teams, and now they're bunched back with them. Oh, well. Nature of the game. They're still pleased with how they're doing, capping it with a little cheer. One, two, three...BLACK FAMILY! That is still hilarious, by the way. The Pink Ladies arrive and also get loads of help with the tent. Suck it some more, Shroeders! The Pink Ladies say that they have chocolate chip cookies for everyone. Score! And the Paolos aren't there, so they won't get any. Double score! The Linzes finally arrive. More tent help. Carissa is back on the tent spike. Hehehe. The Paolos find their way to the campsite, and much as I hate them, that's pretty impressive without the clue.
Rainy morning. Ew. Camping in the rain is the worst. 10:00 AM. The Aiellos, Weavers, and Gaghans get their clue. They have to go another 90 odd miles to Brubaker Farm in Mount Joy, Pennsylvania. Amish country! I've been there. Good apple butter. We get some shots of cows to make sure that we get that they're going to a farm. Thanks, editors. I was confused for a second, there. The Weavers talk about how much they love God. Glad to hear it. 10:30 AM. Bransens, Shroeders, and Rogers. Char has a really ugly raincoat. Even that can't compete with the hat that one of the Bransen girls is wearing, though. It's like a powder blue newsboy cap. Does she think she's Carrie Bradshaw? Take that shit off. The Shroeders decide to follow the Rogers. Because following a team worked out so well for them before. 11:00 AM. Loser teams. That is, the Blacks, the Pink Ladies (Godlewskis), the Linzes, and the Paolos. One of the Linzes lusts after one of the Pink Ladies. I almost wish he'd go for it so we could see her shoot him down. The Paolos, you'll be shocked to learn, are fighting and already lost. More cow shots.
The Weavers pass some Amish kids and are first to the clue. Grrrr. And this will be our first Detour: Build It or Buggy It. In Build It, teams are given a bunch of materials and tools, and they have to build a miniature working waterwheel. In Buggy It, teams have to push an Amish buggy one and a half miles with two team members riding inside. The way Phil explains it, it sounds pretty balanced. The Weavers choose the buggy, as do the Aiellos and Gaghans, who arrive just after them. As the Aiellos catch up to the Weavers, both teams approach a downhill slope. The Weaver buggy begins to pick up speed, and they lose control, unable to apply the brake for whatever reason. Linda hits the ground and the buggy freaking runs over her. I mean, it looks like she was extremely lucky in that it passed over her without hitting her, but still. The woman whose husband got run over by a car just got run over by a buggy while her children watched. That must have been completely terrifying for them. One really has to wonder if God's as wild about them as they are about Him.
Commercials. Watch this crime drama on CBS! Or this other crime drama on CBS! Or this third crime drama on CBS!
The show is kind enough to replay the buggy incident for those with an extremely short memory. It looks like the Weavers are not only lucky that Linda didn't get hit, but that the runaway buggy kind of rolls up onto a nearby hill and stops on its own, rather than crashing into the nearby building, which could have been really bad. Linda seems to think it was a faulty brake on the buggy. I couldn't really tell if it was defective or they just didn't know how to work it properly. They interview about how scary it was, but score a point by shaking it off fairly quickly. The Aiellos pass them by, so they choose to ditch the buggy and go build the waterwheel, warning the Gaghans as they pass by to check their own brakes.
The Bransens are lost again. So are the Rogers and Shroeders. The Linzes seem to be on the right path, and one of them in the back seat reaches up and tickles whoever's driving (I can't really differentiate the brothers right now), under his armpit. Um, ew. If you're an adult, raise your hand if you consider tickling your adult sibling not-at-all creepy. Those of you with your hands up, please use it on the nearest phone to seek counseling immediately. The Pink Ladies seem to be doing fine too, both in directions and in not engaging in weird sibling behavior. The Blacks and Paolos are trailing. By some weird quirk, the Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens all arrive at Mount Joy at the same time. In a fateful decision, the Linzes head for the buggy, while the Pink Ladies go for the waterwheel. They wish each other luck. Aw. The Bransens head for the waterwheel as well. In the Linz buggy, that...other brother cuts one, which cracks Megan up. Those of you who think it's charming when the sibling sitting three inches from you rips ass, raise your hand. Hey, it's the same people! And you're still crazy! We get another shot of cows, which I swear is like the twentieth one we've seen so far.
Meanwhile, the Gaghans are catching up on the Aiellos. That makes sense, given that they're toting two little kids, who are bound to be lighter than Tony and big, strong Matt. Ah, Matt. Hang on, I'm gonna just drift for a second... OK, I'm back. That was pleasant. Less pleasant is Billy Gaghan singing "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain When She Comes" in an irritating Western accent. Well, at least he's singing something from the public domain. That'll save the show money. The Aiellos look pissed, though I can't tell if it's due to getting passed, or listening to the kids merrily singing. Another shot of cows! Cripes. We're back watching the builders. The Blacks arrive at Mount Joy, and choose the waterwheel. Another shot of cows! The Gaghans reach the halfway point of the buggy course and turn around. A shot of a goat. Well, that's changing it up. Billy Gaghan says he wishes he could contribute more. Carissa: "Get used to it, dork." Hah! Awesome. The Shroeders find Mount Joy and go for the waterwheel. So do the Rogers. The Paolos are once again last. Well, I hate them, but I can take comfort in the fact that there's no way in hell they're winning this race. They choose waterwheel too. The Shroeders call the Paolos "the jerky team" or "the Jersey team", I don't know which. I'll pick whichever one is more insulting. The Linzes are having buggy issues.
Commercials. A movie with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker? Why not just show two hours of paint drying? It'll pull in more money.
The Linzes are at a standstill. They eventually get moving. The Weavers are done with their waterwheel. Huh? They started with the buggy, failed, came back, and built the waterwheel all before the team that started the buggy at the same time finished it? That's fishy. They head for the pit stop, two blue silos at Rohrer Family Farm in Lancaster, 17 miles away. The building teams are all still building, and it looks like the Blacks are significantly behind. The Pink Ladies are done building. OK, what the fuck? They arrived at the Detour in fifth place, and have now passed all of the teams that got there in front of them (all of whom chose the buggy), and are leaving in second place. There is absolutely, even given the Aiellos' weight, no way that the Pink Ladies should have beaten them. In short, it's an extremely poorly designed Detour, with the buggy having zero advantages. Speaking of, the Gaghans finally finish it. The Bransens are done with their waterwheel, and it looks like they take a wrong turn when they leave, though I can't really tell. The Aiellos are done with the buggy. God, finally. The Linzes are still buggying, and not doing very well, having to take several breaks for water. Over still more shots of cows, whichever brother was in the buggy and farted decides he has to puke. Since he's not the one doing any of the manual labor, I really don't see why. Motion sickness? Whatever. He's extremely impressed with himself afterwards. Yeah, you're uber. That's why eight other people, including two young kids, managed to go a mile and a half without rowlfing.
The Weavers thank the Lord for not being hurt in the buggy accident, and I totally feel them on that one. Of course, the second they do, they get hopelessly lost, so it seems that God still kind of hates them. The Pink Ladies are on the right track, but one of them (Tricia, maybe?) babbles endlessly and unhelpfully about what road they're going to, while the others are trying to discuss what road they're actually on. Shut up, Possibly Tricia. The Gaghans deservedly congratulate themselves on a job well done with the buggy. Back in the Pink Lady car, another sister brays about how blue silos are a popular color. They are? No, they're not. Shut up, Possibly Christine. The Weavers are being annoying again and the Gaghans are being cute again, but all for naught. Despite their bickering, the Pink Ladies have found the silos and hit the mat as team number one. The greeter is adorable, and seems fairly bemused at their squeals of joy. They win $20,000. Jeebus! They all begin talking at the same time, which I'd find more annoying if they weren't all sisters. My stepsisters do that constantly. It's kinda funny.
The Weavers and Gaghans pull in to the farm at the same time, and it's a footrace to the mat. They don't know they're not fighting over first place, but it's awesome to watch them battle for a meaningless position, since they'll be leaving two seconds apart on the next leg anyway. The Gaghans dust the Weavers. Nice! I like the Gaghans much more than I did at the beginning of the episode. The Aiellos and Bransens are on their way, the latter family worrying about being lost. I'd worry more about that goddamn hat, Bransen lady girl (seriously, they're indistinguishable at this point). Back at the Detour, the Blacks are still progressing very slowly, the Paolos are still fighting, the Shroeders are having some problems finding all their parts, and the Rogers are done. Yay! Wow, I like them a lot more than I did at the beginning, too. They take off for the pit stop. The Linzes drag the buggy. You'll remember that they arrived in Mount Joy at the same time as the Pink Ladies, who are now enjoying their 20 grand at the pit stop. Bad Detour + They Suck = Ouch. The Shroeders manage to get a part of their waterwheel wedged incorrectly.
Commercials. I don't know about you, but if it starts raining shoes on me as I'm walking down the street, I'm not going to be as happy about it as these morons.
The Shroeders work it out, and they're off. The Paolos are done, too. This Detour is 97 kinds of confusing. The Blacks arrived at the Detour in seventh place and chose the waterwheel, but have been passed by the Rogers, Shroeders, and Paolos, who all seemed to arrive a pretty long time after they did. Are they that terrible at the building? In the car to the pit stop, the Paolo boys yell at their mom for pretty much no reason until she starts crying. Tony does nothing about it. They're all so charming. I wish I could have Thanksgiving with them. So I could shove a wishbone down their throats. The Blacks build their waterwheel shittily. The Linzes pull their buggy shittily.
Aha! Through clever use of the pause button and CBS.com, I have decided that the Bransen girl with the ugly hat is Elizabeth. Aren't you glad? Shut up, Elizabeth's hat. The Aiellos hit some bad traffic. "This is incredibly nerve-wracking for a Boston driver," David says. Well, sure. The rest of us love gridlock. The Rogers have found the pit stop, and check in as team number four. Sweet. They made up all sorts of time. More shots of cows. The Shroeders hit as team five. The fucking Paolos fucking find the silos and fucking check in as fucking team fucking six. Fuck. Cows! The Linzes' gym-toned bodies are powerless against the awesome force of their buggy. COWS!! The Blacks finish up their waterwheel. Austin goes to get some water and falls in a little stream. He yells for help. I want to be like, "kid, just stand up...you're fine", but he's just so darn cute. I mean, look at him! Reggie comes and plucks him out of the stream.
The Bransens find the silos, having fallen from fifth to seventh. They are the worst navigators ever. The Aiellos find the silos, having fallen from second to eighth. I take it back. They're the worst navigators ever. The Blacks and Linzes are done with their respective Detours, and take different roads to Lancaster. Both teams are worried, but the Blacks are dealing with it by supporting each other, while the Linzes are dealing with it by bickering. The Linzes seem to spot the silos first, though they take about 40 years to figure out that they're blue. The editing makes it look extremely close, but I'm thinking it's not. The Linzes manage to hit the mat in ninth. Crap. The Blacks are nowhere to be seen as they check in. They finally arrive and are eliminated. Austin and Kenneth are clearly about to burst into tears, but manage to hold it together. That's OK, I'll burst into tears for them. I didn't, but if I were watching this alone, I probably would have. They all talk about how proud they are of each other, and how it was the opportunity of a lifetime. Oh, this sucks. I really wish they could have hung in there for longer.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Instead of watching the awesome Black family, we get to watch the Paolo family continue to do everything but the one thing they need, which is to shut the fuck up. The teams wander into a Civil War reenactment, and it looks like Walter might just join the corpses there. Oh, by the way? The answer to the pop quiz: By screaming. If you got it wrong, you have to wear a dunce cap for a week. No, make it Elizabeth's hat. That'd be crueler.
Overall Grade: B+
Thursday, September 22, 2005
The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase, Part II
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 2
On the previous hour of America's Next Top Model: Mad scientists tuned in and diabolically planned to combine Sarah's lips, Coryn's eyebrows, Lisa's everything else, and Nicole's personality to make the most freakish monster to date. 23 girls dreaming of fame and fortune were sent cryin' home to mama.
Beverly Hills. The girls convene at City Hall because... Because... Because, shut up! That's why. The two Jays meet them there and congratulate them on making it this far. They're going to kick off the day by taking a guided bus tour of the stars' homes. And who's going to lead them on this tour? Robin Leach!!!! Eeeeee!!! All the kids these days love him! Ashley pretends to be a big fan of his (even misquoting his old signoff). Let's see. Ashley is 22, and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous was big in the mid '80s. That means Ashley the super-fan is claiming that she enjoyed his show when she was about 2 years old. Math is fun! Fugly Lisa actually scores a point by being like "He's still alive?" No, but they did reanimate his corpse for this episode. He passes around some champagne (and some apple cider for the minors), and Fugly Lisa swigs straight from the bottle instead of pouring it into a glass. Cassandra snots that Lisa is classless, but didn't want to rub it in her face. Looks like Cassandra and Fugly Lisa are so not going to the Winter Snow Ball together. The girls ride down Rodeo Drive, then look at some very nice homes (I don't know about 25 million dollars worth of nice, but nice nonetheless), finally pulling up to a very pretty, spacious house that turns out to be the model pad for this season. It's even got a hot tub inside and a pool out back. You just know the Cycle 1 girls are watching this, thinking about their cramped hotel loft, and saying "Fuck that shit."
Kim and Ashley share the honor of the first confessional, talking about how they're great friends. Hmm. Later, Kim is telling some of the girls about her girlfriend back home and how they have an open relationship. Sarah is extremely intrigued by this, even "kiddingly" offering to make out with Kim. She interviews that she doesn't know any full-blown lesbians, but she's very open minded (read: gay). Evening. Fugly Lisa goes into the confessional and says a lot of words that basically amount to nothing. Enjoy the camera time while you have it, sweetie.
Morning. The girls chat over breakfast, and Cassandra notes that her feet are dirty, so the house must not be super clean. To Nicole, this somehow translates to Cassandra being a "control freak". Oh, and that she's "overbearing" and "driving people nuts". Hey, has anyone seen my pot or my kettle? I'd like to compare their colors real quick. Some more girls complain about what a horrible, spoiled brat Cassandra is, but honestly? I'm not seeing it. I'm perfectly willing to believe the Texas beauty queen is a spoiled brat, but you're going to have to give me more than her calmly stating that the water in the pool is cold before I'm going to buy it.
Tyra Mail! It reads "Do you have much self-esteem? How much are you worth?", which will turn out to have absolutely nothing to do with the evening's events. Whatever. The girls are picked up by one of those hideous, white stretch hummers that some people are unsuccessfully trying to pass off as classy these days. Note to bridal couples and prom dates: they're not. The inside is tricked out in ANTM style. It looks like Barbie's Dream House exploded. Everything's pink and there's makeup everywhere. It seems that this will be their transportation for the entire season. Man, this season is swank. There is substantially more money being passed around than the last one. They arrive at a nightclub and meet OJ, who is decked out in a moronic pink blazer. He explains that they will be walking in a runway show that evening, and that all sorts of celebrities will be present. Sarah is nervous that she's going to repeat her clumsy stumble from the casting fashion show. Point for self-awareness.
Commercials. Oh, my God! Trident is now available with xylotol! It's about time! What do you mean, what's xylotol? It's... It's... It's shut up! That's what it is.
When we return, the party has begun. And wow, look at these celebrities. Tori Spelling! French Stewart! Miss J and Nigel are also in attendance. OJ tells the girls that they need to get their makeup on while the outfits are being prepped. Everyone starts applying cosmetics. Except Kim. Kim wanders around talking about how she's never worn makeup. She asks Ashley for help, and Ashley...doesn't. Ebony describes this "rudeness" of Ashley's to us in an interview, like, wouldn't the cameras have caught this discussion? Why are we getting it second hand? Ebony does help Kim apply her makeup while Ashley interviews that she didn't help Kim because she's in a competition. Kim whines that she can't trust Ashley, and we're supposed to feel all bad for her. OK, hold up. First of all, not helping your competitors gain an advantage is not a sign of rudeness, no matter how much you like them. Secondly, maybe Ashley needed to, you know, do her own makeup, given that time is short. Third, anyone who enters a modeling competition and doesn't know how to apply fucking eyeliner deserves what she gets. It's like "I want to be a race car driver! What's an engine?" I generally like Kim and generally dislike Ashley, but that was bullshit. Shut up, Kim.
Everyone gets dressed. The runway is square, so the models will cross at one point. Devious. Sarah describes her bad walk some more. WE GET IT. OJ introduces the emcee for the evening: Nate Dogg!! You know, Nate Dogg!! He tore up the charts! In 1996. I don't pretend to know much about hip-hop artists, but these are some weak ass celebrities. I half expect Charo to pop up at some point. Let's hit it. The show is fairly ridiculous. The girls are supposed to represent things like "spunky", "avant-garde", and "sensual" but basically all have the same type of dress on. The script reads like a third-grade book report, and Nate Dogg still bumbles his way through it, often saying the words pho-a-net-ti-clee. Kim has the worst walk I've seen in a long time. She's lucky Sarah's around to deflect attention. Ah, Sarah. She trips over herself. Sigh. The girls change into their second outfits. Sarah's out first, and trips over herself again. So that's three times she's fallen out of three times she's been on the runway. She's a shoo-in to win this season, don't you think? We don't see any of the other girls walk in their second outfits, because who cares? Sarah fell again!
After the show, the girls are in the limo cutting loose. Sarah is upset with her performance, and Kim says "You're a beautiful girl, what's wrong with you?" "You think I'm beautiful?" Sarah says. Kim assents, and before you know it, Sarah leaps across the car and starts full-on making out with Kim. Not a quick smooch. Long, elaborate kissing. Sarah is so gay. If she were any gayer, her name would be Gay Gayerson. I wonder what it's like to kiss Sarah's lips. It'd probably be like making out with a hot dog bun. "I didn't really think that was going to happen," Kyle interviews hilariously. "That's one down, eleven to go!" Kim shouts, and that was awesome. What's particularly nice is that while they're surprised, none of the other girls seem to have any moral objection to what just happened. We've come a long way from Robin, thankfully.
Commercials. Hey, Just Like Heaven is the #1 comedy this week. That's quite an accomplishment, given its stiff competition from... From... From shut up! That's what from.
We're back just in time to find Ebony and Fugly Lisa shit-talking Cassandra. Cassandra actually enters soon thereafter, and Fugly Lisa actually tells her to her face that they were talking about her, saying that she's like a perfect pageant-girl robot and rudely asks her to explain herself. I have to write Cassandra's response verbatim, because it's that cool: "You know how sociopaths don't feel emotions, that's why they can kill people without ever, like, feeling bad about it? Only I never killed anybody." Fugly Lisa is struck absolutely dumb, staring agape, and for a brief shining moment or two, Cassandra is my absolute favorite person on this planet. Tyra Mail! There will be a photo shoot the next day.
The girls are taken at 5:30 AM (yuck) to a fairly wide city alley. Should the sun be this bright this early in the morning? Maybe they had a long commute or something. OJ explains that they will be dressed up as superheroes, and will be doing some flying. That's a really cool idea. He introduces Mike, the photographer, and the girls "Wooooo!!!" like they know who he is. All right, let's get this out of the way first. The hair, makeup, and outfits on this shoot are all superb. Well done, stylists. Kim's up first, and I think she's prettier with longer hair (she's got fake hair woven in). She has some trouble on the harness. Kim bemoans her bad performance to her "friend" Ashley, and the response is "Dude, you were sucking real bad. It was incredible." OK, this time I'm on Kim's side. Shut up, Ashley. Ashley herself is up second, and doesn't do a good job either. OJ talks about both of them not being good, and...wait. Freeze frame for a second. Is OJ getting pudgy? He totally is. That fills me with joy. Time to lay off the tight T-shirts, oinker. We'll both benefit. Bre, Nik, Kyle, and Diane all do a good job.
Coryn tells us that she's afraid of heights. Dude, you'll be, like, twenty feet up. You don't get to freak out about that. Fugly Lisa is next and brags about how great she is. Shut up, bitch. It's now Coryn's turn, and with all the great makeup on these girls, hers is the best. She's got a sort of inverse rainbow pattern around her eyes. Very pretty. Her hot pink outfit isn't doing much for me, though. She's scared to death, and kind of sucks at the mid-air posing. Cassandra rocks out as an evil-looking character. I don't care what these girls say; Cassandra is awesome. If you'd told me before the show that I'd wind up liking the Texas pageant queen, I'd have laughed in your face. Then punched you. Then apologized and have taken you out for a beer or something. Nicole, Ebony, and Sarah are bland. Jayla's dressed as a bat. Niiiice. OJ gathers the girls and tells them that they didn't suck as hard as he expected them to. Aw, he's so sweet. Back at the house, Tyra Mail awaits. Elimination tomorrow. Everyone's naturally scared of being the first one cut.
Commercials. I often say that life should be more like a musical, but if everyone around me starts simultaneously emulating Shakira, I'll throw myself in front of a bus.
We come back to a pretty impressive portrait of Tyra as a superhero, and a new, fancy Chamber of Doom. Straighten your damn necklace, Tyra. She recaps the prizes. Zzzzz. Now the judges. Welcome back, Nigel. I missed you. Hello, Miss J. I expect you to be way better than that prissy Nole. Miss J is wearing a huge corsage made up of 13 flowers, and says that he'll pluck one off each week as each girl is eliminated. That's a tad melodramatic, even for him. The last judge is Twiggy. I don't know much about her, but there's no way she'll be as entertaining as Janice. She is very nice and pretty though. And you've got to love British accents. The evaluations will be on the runway show and the photo shoot. No final challenge this time, I guess.
Fugly Lisa's up first. I hate to say it, but she did pretty damn good on the runway, and her photo's cool too. She's less fugly with all that electric blue makeup on. Nicole. Her runway is unremarkable and her photo sucks. Nigel tells her she looks "wide" in the picture. Hah! Kyle. Eh. Neither the judges nor I really have any strong feelings on her one way or the other. Bre. She did a stupid horse trot walk on the runway, but looks terrific in the shot. She's got hands down the best pose of the 13. I don't know how she's bending that way, but it's extremely striking. Kim. Horrid walk, bleh picture. Ebony. I like her runway, but the photo is unimpressive. The judges tell her she looks like ET. "Those are my initials," she responds, which is about the best thing you can say in that situation. Do I still like Ebony? I didn't care for the siding with Kim during the eyeliner debacle nor the trashing of Cassandra, but she's not beyond hope, I guess. Diane. Tyra feels that she's got a very nice face, but tends to forget about her body, both in the runway and the photo. I'd agree with that.
Ashley. Her runway walk is too slow and slouchy, and her picture is awful. Even Twiggy, who's generally been complimentary so far, hates it. Nik. Her head is too bouncy during the walk, but her photo is really good. Even with the Vulcanish forehead pasted on. Coryn. Very nice, graceful walk. I don't like the photo, aside from the awesome eye makeup I mentioned earlier. Jayla. Awful, awful runway. She's pretty much feeling herself up. In the photo, she pulls an inverse Diane. Great body pose, but the face is kind of weak. Cassandra. Her runway walk isn't really good or bad, but what a bitchin' photo. Very impressive. Sarah. Do we even need to talk about the runway? The judges tell her that falling is one thing, but recovery is another. She's got to learn to act like nothing in the world could be more natural than tripping all over yourself. The photo's pretty good, though.
Commercials. I admit it. I like the nerdy lady who shrieks about her cell phone bill.
Deliberations. There is absolutely nothing worth repeating. Elimination. Blah dee blah. Loser goes home. Nik is safe. Fugly Lisa. Cassandra. Diane. Jayla. Kyle. Bre. Ebony. Coryn. Tyra gets a good dig in at her Groucho Marx eyebrows. Nicole is safe. Kim. Would Ashley and Sarah please step forward? OK, we all know where this is going. Ashley may be a not very nice, not very pretty, not very smart girl, but Sarah can barely stand up. Surely she'll be the one to go. This is so unsuspenseful. But suddenly, Sarah is safe! Wha? That was a weird decision, but it got rid of Ashley, so I'm not complaining.
Miss J plucks a flower off his corsage. Ashley tells the others to make her proud. A little late to start acting classy, but thanks, Ashley. She cries. I am indifferent. She does rightly say that although it totally sucks to be the first one out, there'll only be one winner at the end, anyway. True enough. She fights down her tears and heads out. And...Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! That's always good for a meltdown or two. It looks like Cassandra has a big tantrum, so my love affair with her may be very brief, indeed. Everyone hates Fugly Lisa. Especially Kim, who does a hilariously mean impression of her behind her back.
Overall Grade: B+
On the previous hour of America's Next Top Model: Mad scientists tuned in and diabolically planned to combine Sarah's lips, Coryn's eyebrows, Lisa's everything else, and Nicole's personality to make the most freakish monster to date. 23 girls dreaming of fame and fortune were sent cryin' home to mama.
Beverly Hills. The girls convene at City Hall because... Because... Because, shut up! That's why. The two Jays meet them there and congratulate them on making it this far. They're going to kick off the day by taking a guided bus tour of the stars' homes. And who's going to lead them on this tour? Robin Leach!!!! Eeeeee!!! All the kids these days love him! Ashley pretends to be a big fan of his (even misquoting his old signoff). Let's see. Ashley is 22, and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous was big in the mid '80s. That means Ashley the super-fan is claiming that she enjoyed his show when she was about 2 years old. Math is fun! Fugly Lisa actually scores a point by being like "He's still alive?" No, but they did reanimate his corpse for this episode. He passes around some champagne (and some apple cider for the minors), and Fugly Lisa swigs straight from the bottle instead of pouring it into a glass. Cassandra snots that Lisa is classless, but didn't want to rub it in her face. Looks like Cassandra and Fugly Lisa are so not going to the Winter Snow Ball together. The girls ride down Rodeo Drive, then look at some very nice homes (I don't know about 25 million dollars worth of nice, but nice nonetheless), finally pulling up to a very pretty, spacious house that turns out to be the model pad for this season. It's even got a hot tub inside and a pool out back. You just know the Cycle 1 girls are watching this, thinking about their cramped hotel loft, and saying "Fuck that shit."
Kim and Ashley share the honor of the first confessional, talking about how they're great friends. Hmm. Later, Kim is telling some of the girls about her girlfriend back home and how they have an open relationship. Sarah is extremely intrigued by this, even "kiddingly" offering to make out with Kim. She interviews that she doesn't know any full-blown lesbians, but she's very open minded (read: gay). Evening. Fugly Lisa goes into the confessional and says a lot of words that basically amount to nothing. Enjoy the camera time while you have it, sweetie.
Morning. The girls chat over breakfast, and Cassandra notes that her feet are dirty, so the house must not be super clean. To Nicole, this somehow translates to Cassandra being a "control freak". Oh, and that she's "overbearing" and "driving people nuts". Hey, has anyone seen my pot or my kettle? I'd like to compare their colors real quick. Some more girls complain about what a horrible, spoiled brat Cassandra is, but honestly? I'm not seeing it. I'm perfectly willing to believe the Texas beauty queen is a spoiled brat, but you're going to have to give me more than her calmly stating that the water in the pool is cold before I'm going to buy it.
Tyra Mail! It reads "Do you have much self-esteem? How much are you worth?", which will turn out to have absolutely nothing to do with the evening's events. Whatever. The girls are picked up by one of those hideous, white stretch hummers that some people are unsuccessfully trying to pass off as classy these days. Note to bridal couples and prom dates: they're not. The inside is tricked out in ANTM style. It looks like Barbie's Dream House exploded. Everything's pink and there's makeup everywhere. It seems that this will be their transportation for the entire season. Man, this season is swank. There is substantially more money being passed around than the last one. They arrive at a nightclub and meet OJ, who is decked out in a moronic pink blazer. He explains that they will be walking in a runway show that evening, and that all sorts of celebrities will be present. Sarah is nervous that she's going to repeat her clumsy stumble from the casting fashion show. Point for self-awareness.
Commercials. Oh, my God! Trident is now available with xylotol! It's about time! What do you mean, what's xylotol? It's... It's... It's shut up! That's what it is.
When we return, the party has begun. And wow, look at these celebrities. Tori Spelling! French Stewart! Miss J and Nigel are also in attendance. OJ tells the girls that they need to get their makeup on while the outfits are being prepped. Everyone starts applying cosmetics. Except Kim. Kim wanders around talking about how she's never worn makeup. She asks Ashley for help, and Ashley...doesn't. Ebony describes this "rudeness" of Ashley's to us in an interview, like, wouldn't the cameras have caught this discussion? Why are we getting it second hand? Ebony does help Kim apply her makeup while Ashley interviews that she didn't help Kim because she's in a competition. Kim whines that she can't trust Ashley, and we're supposed to feel all bad for her. OK, hold up. First of all, not helping your competitors gain an advantage is not a sign of rudeness, no matter how much you like them. Secondly, maybe Ashley needed to, you know, do her own makeup, given that time is short. Third, anyone who enters a modeling competition and doesn't know how to apply fucking eyeliner deserves what she gets. It's like "I want to be a race car driver! What's an engine?" I generally like Kim and generally dislike Ashley, but that was bullshit. Shut up, Kim.
Everyone gets dressed. The runway is square, so the models will cross at one point. Devious. Sarah describes her bad walk some more. WE GET IT. OJ introduces the emcee for the evening: Nate Dogg!! You know, Nate Dogg!! He tore up the charts! In 1996. I don't pretend to know much about hip-hop artists, but these are some weak ass celebrities. I half expect Charo to pop up at some point. Let's hit it. The show is fairly ridiculous. The girls are supposed to represent things like "spunky", "avant-garde", and "sensual" but basically all have the same type of dress on. The script reads like a third-grade book report, and Nate Dogg still bumbles his way through it, often saying the words pho-a-net-ti-clee. Kim has the worst walk I've seen in a long time. She's lucky Sarah's around to deflect attention. Ah, Sarah. She trips over herself. Sigh. The girls change into their second outfits. Sarah's out first, and trips over herself again. So that's three times she's fallen out of three times she's been on the runway. She's a shoo-in to win this season, don't you think? We don't see any of the other girls walk in their second outfits, because who cares? Sarah fell again!
After the show, the girls are in the limo cutting loose. Sarah is upset with her performance, and Kim says "You're a beautiful girl, what's wrong with you?" "You think I'm beautiful?" Sarah says. Kim assents, and before you know it, Sarah leaps across the car and starts full-on making out with Kim. Not a quick smooch. Long, elaborate kissing. Sarah is so gay. If she were any gayer, her name would be Gay Gayerson. I wonder what it's like to kiss Sarah's lips. It'd probably be like making out with a hot dog bun. "I didn't really think that was going to happen," Kyle interviews hilariously. "That's one down, eleven to go!" Kim shouts, and that was awesome. What's particularly nice is that while they're surprised, none of the other girls seem to have any moral objection to what just happened. We've come a long way from Robin, thankfully.
Commercials. Hey, Just Like Heaven is the #1 comedy this week. That's quite an accomplishment, given its stiff competition from... From... From shut up! That's what from.
We're back just in time to find Ebony and Fugly Lisa shit-talking Cassandra. Cassandra actually enters soon thereafter, and Fugly Lisa actually tells her to her face that they were talking about her, saying that she's like a perfect pageant-girl robot and rudely asks her to explain herself. I have to write Cassandra's response verbatim, because it's that cool: "You know how sociopaths don't feel emotions, that's why they can kill people without ever, like, feeling bad about it? Only I never killed anybody." Fugly Lisa is struck absolutely dumb, staring agape, and for a brief shining moment or two, Cassandra is my absolute favorite person on this planet. Tyra Mail! There will be a photo shoot the next day.
The girls are taken at 5:30 AM (yuck) to a fairly wide city alley. Should the sun be this bright this early in the morning? Maybe they had a long commute or something. OJ explains that they will be dressed up as superheroes, and will be doing some flying. That's a really cool idea. He introduces Mike, the photographer, and the girls "Wooooo!!!" like they know who he is. All right, let's get this out of the way first. The hair, makeup, and outfits on this shoot are all superb. Well done, stylists. Kim's up first, and I think she's prettier with longer hair (she's got fake hair woven in). She has some trouble on the harness. Kim bemoans her bad performance to her "friend" Ashley, and the response is "Dude, you were sucking real bad. It was incredible." OK, this time I'm on Kim's side. Shut up, Ashley. Ashley herself is up second, and doesn't do a good job either. OJ talks about both of them not being good, and...wait. Freeze frame for a second. Is OJ getting pudgy? He totally is. That fills me with joy. Time to lay off the tight T-shirts, oinker. We'll both benefit. Bre, Nik, Kyle, and Diane all do a good job.
Coryn tells us that she's afraid of heights. Dude, you'll be, like, twenty feet up. You don't get to freak out about that. Fugly Lisa is next and brags about how great she is. Shut up, bitch. It's now Coryn's turn, and with all the great makeup on these girls, hers is the best. She's got a sort of inverse rainbow pattern around her eyes. Very pretty. Her hot pink outfit isn't doing much for me, though. She's scared to death, and kind of sucks at the mid-air posing. Cassandra rocks out as an evil-looking character. I don't care what these girls say; Cassandra is awesome. If you'd told me before the show that I'd wind up liking the Texas pageant queen, I'd have laughed in your face. Then punched you. Then apologized and have taken you out for a beer or something. Nicole, Ebony, and Sarah are bland. Jayla's dressed as a bat. Niiiice. OJ gathers the girls and tells them that they didn't suck as hard as he expected them to. Aw, he's so sweet. Back at the house, Tyra Mail awaits. Elimination tomorrow. Everyone's naturally scared of being the first one cut.
Commercials. I often say that life should be more like a musical, but if everyone around me starts simultaneously emulating Shakira, I'll throw myself in front of a bus.
We come back to a pretty impressive portrait of Tyra as a superhero, and a new, fancy Chamber of Doom. Straighten your damn necklace, Tyra. She recaps the prizes. Zzzzz. Now the judges. Welcome back, Nigel. I missed you. Hello, Miss J. I expect you to be way better than that prissy Nole. Miss J is wearing a huge corsage made up of 13 flowers, and says that he'll pluck one off each week as each girl is eliminated. That's a tad melodramatic, even for him. The last judge is Twiggy. I don't know much about her, but there's no way she'll be as entertaining as Janice. She is very nice and pretty though. And you've got to love British accents. The evaluations will be on the runway show and the photo shoot. No final challenge this time, I guess.
Fugly Lisa's up first. I hate to say it, but she did pretty damn good on the runway, and her photo's cool too. She's less fugly with all that electric blue makeup on. Nicole. Her runway is unremarkable and her photo sucks. Nigel tells her she looks "wide" in the picture. Hah! Kyle. Eh. Neither the judges nor I really have any strong feelings on her one way or the other. Bre. She did a stupid horse trot walk on the runway, but looks terrific in the shot. She's got hands down the best pose of the 13. I don't know how she's bending that way, but it's extremely striking. Kim. Horrid walk, bleh picture. Ebony. I like her runway, but the photo is unimpressive. The judges tell her she looks like ET. "Those are my initials," she responds, which is about the best thing you can say in that situation. Do I still like Ebony? I didn't care for the siding with Kim during the eyeliner debacle nor the trashing of Cassandra, but she's not beyond hope, I guess. Diane. Tyra feels that she's got a very nice face, but tends to forget about her body, both in the runway and the photo. I'd agree with that.
Ashley. Her runway walk is too slow and slouchy, and her picture is awful. Even Twiggy, who's generally been complimentary so far, hates it. Nik. Her head is too bouncy during the walk, but her photo is really good. Even with the Vulcanish forehead pasted on. Coryn. Very nice, graceful walk. I don't like the photo, aside from the awesome eye makeup I mentioned earlier. Jayla. Awful, awful runway. She's pretty much feeling herself up. In the photo, she pulls an inverse Diane. Great body pose, but the face is kind of weak. Cassandra. Her runway walk isn't really good or bad, but what a bitchin' photo. Very impressive. Sarah. Do we even need to talk about the runway? The judges tell her that falling is one thing, but recovery is another. She's got to learn to act like nothing in the world could be more natural than tripping all over yourself. The photo's pretty good, though.
Commercials. I admit it. I like the nerdy lady who shrieks about her cell phone bill.
Deliberations. There is absolutely nothing worth repeating. Elimination. Blah dee blah. Loser goes home. Nik is safe. Fugly Lisa. Cassandra. Diane. Jayla. Kyle. Bre. Ebony. Coryn. Tyra gets a good dig in at her Groucho Marx eyebrows. Nicole is safe. Kim. Would Ashley and Sarah please step forward? OK, we all know where this is going. Ashley may be a not very nice, not very pretty, not very smart girl, but Sarah can barely stand up. Surely she'll be the one to go. This is so unsuspenseful. But suddenly, Sarah is safe! Wha? That was a weird decision, but it got rid of Ashley, so I'm not complaining.
Miss J plucks a flower off his corsage. Ashley tells the others to make her proud. A little late to start acting classy, but thanks, Ashley. She cries. I am indifferent. She does rightly say that although it totally sucks to be the first one out, there'll only be one winner at the end, anyway. True enough. She fights down her tears and heads out. And...Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! That's always good for a meltdown or two. It looks like Cassandra has a big tantrum, so my love affair with her may be very brief, indeed. Everyone hates Fugly Lisa. Especially Kim, who does a hilariously mean impression of her behind her back.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase, Part I
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Naima kicked all dem bitches' asses, yo! Limecrete took a stroll back in time to Cycle 1 to watch Adrianne jumpstart her career as a professional reality show famewhore.
Kick off the season with some horrifically awful audition tapes? Oh, let's do! Various girls beg to be on the show. Oh, cripes. One of the girls actually sent in an honest-to-goodness video of herself jumping on a trampoline. More like tramp-oline. I only wish that was the most degrading thing we'll see in this episode. And look, Tyra's being "funny" by doing a horrifically awful audition tape of her own! Yeah. Let's just move on from that, shall we?
36 semi-finalists arrive in Los Angeles, and the crazy jumps out at us from the get-go. Cassandra has her own "communications expert" that tells her how to act. Bre is from Harlem, but looks like she was dressed by a blind, retarded rodeo clown. Other freakshows follow. The semi-finalists meet and greet at the Beverly Hills Hilton. Ebony interviews that she's sizing up her competition and that these other girls are "gor-jus". Hilariously, we hear this over a shot of Sarah, which...well, we'll get to her later. The hideous Orange Jay arrives. Spew. I'll just save some time and call him OJ from now on. It still makes you think of oranges, plus it's associated with another psychopath! Perfect. The girls give their first of many, many, many "Woooooo!" shrieks upon meeting him. I'd shriek too, but for another reason. OJ welcomes them. Kyle interviews that she's so excited she almost peed herself. Normally, I'm against giving girls men's names in order to make them sound cute, but it works for her.
The next morning, the girls tromp outside for their first mini-challenge: basic posing. And the guest judge will be? Miss Jay! Yay! Posing, posing, posing. And then, wonder of wonders, Tyra comes out! To meet the girls! What do you mean, why am I using exclamation points!?! It's exciting! You can tell because the girls scream like they're meeting the freaking Beatles. I mean, you knew she was going to pop up sooner or later. Dial it back a bit. Nicole gushes that she's never even met a small celebrity, and here she is meeting the biggest star of all time: Tyra Banks! Nicole, I know you're from North Dakota, but I assume you can still get Entertainment Weekly delivered there. Work on your celebrity hierarchy trivia. Ebony runs out and hugs Tyra, then brags about it in an interview. I don't know why, but I like Ebony.
Later, it's time for the panel evaluations: basic runway walk, some questions, and showing off your body in a swimsuit. Bre is first, and as bad as she looked at the airport...that's how good she looks here. She's gorgeous. Miss J smells her armpits. Don't ask me. Kyle's up next, and describes working at the Dairy Queen in Michigan. If this little scene doesn't remind you of Parker Posey in Waiting For Guffman, get thee to a video store, now. She's pretty, too. Kim comes out with her butch haircut and her deep voice and interviews that she's a lesbian. No way! I never would have guessed! Probably because my gaydar exploded the second she walked out. Wow, she's pretty too. Good casting this season. Jayla is a Jehovah's Witness, but has strayed. She has sex, she doesn't go to church, blah blah blah. Oh, and she's a smoker, which she didn't really have to say, because girlfriend's teeth? I can't believe it's not butter. Other than that, she's cute. Next up is Nicole, whom I didn't really register when she was talking about how Tyra is a huge celebrity, but who now I instantly hate. She doesn't get along with her mom. Fascinating. She actually gets on her knees and begs to be in the competition. Wow, does she have a birthday coming up? I'd love to get her some dignity. Tyra and the Jays are not impressed. Nicole says that if she gets in, she won't complain about anything. I totally believe her. Don't you? That evening the girls buy a bunch of stuff at the grocery store, and they get into a ridiculous fight about chapstick. No, really. Nicole is fucking freaking out because she thinks the others will leave without getting the chapstick, and she's looking for it in, like, the motor oil aisle. Nice to see that vow to not complain lasted about three hours. Bre politely talks her down, but interviews that she's about ready to stuff her in a closet. Bre rocks.
Commercials. Crest Whitestrips. Paying attention, Jayla?
The next morning, the girls are...doing the Electric Slide in their hotel room. Um, what? Did someone slip me some hallucinogenic mushrooms? Time for some more panel interviews. Nik comes out looking not so great, with her hair pulled into a faux-mohawk and some glasses that don't really suit her. Then they cut to her in an interview, and she's beautiful. Her bathing suit rides up her butt. I don't quite know what to make of her. Next is Diane, who whips off her sunglasses in an aren't-I-cool gesture. I hated that, but then she kind of makes fun of herself for her broad Puerto Rican accent, so I don't completely hate her. She's not as stunning as some of the other girls, but has potential. She calls herself "Big D", though. Ew. Next! Oh, Susanna. Don't you cry for me. She cries for herself, because she's a breast cancer survivor. At age nineteen! All respect due to her for that, of course, but that still doesn't mean she's got what it takes to be a model, and she? Doesn't. I hate to be mean to someone who's been through that hell, but she is not in the least bit pretty. Various other girls we know have no chance do their generic model walks.
The next girl with some screen time is Cassandra, a Texas beauty queen. Oh, dear. We know how Tyra feels about pageant girls. She breezily answers some questions about current pageant winners, then Tyra asks her to name three Cover Girls. Ah, our old friend the cricket chirp is back. Missed you, editors! We never see her in a bathing suit, for some reason. Ashley's up, and she almost ties with Nicole in going from zero to hate in .4 seconds. She does know her fashion designers, though. Back in the hotel room, a fugly girl named Lisa fake interviews Cassandra as though she were in a pageant. Diane cracks up at her own lame "joke" about George Bush being dumb. Kim thinks Cassandra's obnoxious, but is pretty impressed that she embraces her annoying-beauty-queen demeanor so thoroughly. I like Kim. She reminds me of Elyse a little bit.
April is from Las Vegas and ugly. She loves her eyes. Who can tell with all that raccoon makeup and false lashes? Tyra and the Jays make her wash it all off and come back out. It's not an improvement. Tyra pretends to think differently, calling her a model in the making. Oh, then I'm sure she'll make the cut. She will, right? Spoiler: no. Ah, here's the aforementioned Fugly Lisa. She has a dumb haircut and bug eyes. She hates her mom, too. Tyra seems to love Lisa. Sigh. That evening the girls have sandwiches for dinner, and Nicole somehow cannot manage to make a cup of ramen noodles. How do you mess up ramen noodles? Everyone else hates her, and they get into another pointless fight, this one about who complains about what. This is almost as riveting as that chapstick blowout. And hey, Nicole was at the center of that one, too. Girls named Jessica and Adriana complain about the bitchiness of the other girls. On a reality show with models? Get out! Being well-adjusted gets you nowhere in this show, which is pretty much proven by the fact that we never see Jessica or Adriana again.
Commercials. Ooh, a movie about going to church! I am so there!
We're back. Next up is Sarah, and eek. I promised earlier we'd get to Sarah, didn't I? Shit. I want to support her, being a local girl and all (she's from Boonville, which I pass through on my way to and from Kansas City). But wow. Sarah's got lips. No, Sarah's got Lips. It looks like Sarah's lips ate Angelina Jolie's lips. Each one is about the size of a bratwurst. Bleh. Whitney's greatest asset is that she can sell pigs. No, really. Let's forget she even exists. Latricia has a voice like an air raid siren. And now for the most awesome part of the semi-finalist interviews. Krystle (one of the participants of the Complaining About Complainers fight) wants to take any money she gets and "put it toward the UN or helping out third-world countries". She's tired of people not helping the poor, y'all! Tyra asks her what community service she's done. Dead silence. Then more crickets. Hahahahaha!!! See ya, Krystle. Some boring chick named Melissa gets one line in, then disappears forever.
Now, Coryn. She seems nice and is fairly pretty but has serious eyebrow issues. She's like a not-as-cute Hera. She tells us her mom was on drugs. Was it Rogaine, by any chance? Regina is a natural redhead and has kind of a gravelly voice, so she gets two points from me right off the bat. She talks about how she wants to dye her hair blond and how she thinks she's fat (and she's not), so she loses those two points just as quickly as she got them. Ebony! She's got kind of a phony enthusiasm going and a doofy flower in her hair, but I still inexplicably like her. She's also the one with the titular catch phrase, "don't get it twisted". She never explains quite what that means, but it seems to signify something like "don't misunderstand me" or "I'm just keepin' it real". She knows pretty much all the other semi-finalists' names. Impressive. Too bad none of them like her. The girls amass and are told that they're going to take part in a "huge" fashion show, but that there's only room for 20 of them. Finally! Let's weed some of these bitches out! The 16 who don't make the cut have to sit in the audience and clap for the ones who do. Awesome. They stampede to the dressing room to find out who it's gonna be.
Commercials. Why does Eric Balfour keep getting work? He's untalented. He's ugly. He's like the male Claire Danes.
When we return, they replay the stampede to make sure that we get that they're excited. The ones who find their photos are the finalists. We see some of the lucky 20 find their pictures. Kyle's in. Coryn. Regina. April. Kim. Jayla. Bre (who's so very excited...she feels like she's "touching [her] star". Snerk.) Nicole. Ebony. Sarah. Fugly Lisa. Diane. We also get to talk to some of the losers. Bye, Susanna! See ya, Latricia! Mass chaos ensues backstage as the finalists get ready for the fashion show. One of the girls is Stacie, who we've never seen before, and will never see again. Um...congratulations? Ashley brags about how she's going to get the contract. I'm certainly close to putting a contract out on her, so she's not entirely wrong. Sarah worries about tripping, saying that heels are not exactly her forte. Sarah majored in understatement.
Let the "huge" fashion show begin! It is so huge, that the audience consists of the two Jays and the 16 loser girls! Huge! The show is pretty unremarkable. The only things of note are that Sarah does indeed stumble, Kim has a terrible runway walk, and Regina has more of a belly than I originally thought. Sorry for doubting you before, Regina.
OK, we need to get rid of more of these people. We'll take 20 down to 13 through the ancient art of the one-on-one interview. Man, are they boring. Although it is really funny when Fugly Lisa uses her one question to ask Tyra what it was like to work with Will Smith, and the editors insert the Scratching Record of Oh, No You Di'int Just Say That. Ooh, and when April talks about how smart she is by saying she has "a good head on [her] shoulder." Hah! Ebony inserts the word bananas randomly. Is she Gwen Stefani?
Commercials. OK, that MasterCard ad with all the product mascots getting together for dinner is pretty cute. But the Morton Salt girl shouldn't open her umbrella inside. It's bad luck.
Final deliberations. OJ is wearing a shirt that reads "Friend With Privileges". 1) Ew. 2) Who are you, Bruce Vilanch? 3) Ew. The only privilege I could see by being friends with OJ is that I'd look pretty hot by comparison. They discuss the various pros and cons of some of the girls. OJ does make a fairly astute point by saying Regina isn't heavy enough to be a plus-sized model, and isn't skinny enough to be a "normal" model. Evening. Time to announce the 13 girls who will actually take part in the competition. Let's get to it.
Cassandra. Nik. Kyle. Ashley. Brief sidebar: Tyra keeps saying "the next name that I'm going to call..." Tyra, we know it's the next name you're going to call by virtue of the fact that it is the next name you call. She is so irritating sometimes. OK. Bre. Kim. Sarah. Jayla. Coryn. Nicole. Diane. Fugly Lisa. And finally...Ebony! Yay!
Aw. I'm sorry to see Regina go. I don't know why Tyra hates redheads, but they never make the cut. Also, let's do some brief math. We know that 20 girls were just cut to 13. That leaves 7 losers. We know that Regina and April are two of them, because we saw them get their photos for the fashion show. Five losers. We know that Stacie is one of them because of her interview at the fashion show, and Whitney is one because she talks in her one-on-one about selling pigs or whatever. Three losers. And these three are very special losers. These three girls somehow managed to get through: the panel interviews, the scenes in between the interviews when everyone was fighting, the photo finding, the fashion show, the one-on-one interviews, and the final elimination without once being identified by name. Maybe one of them was one of the earlier girls who barely got any screen time, like Melissa or Jessica, but I don't think so. Wow. Doubly sucks to be them.
In the next hour of our season opener: The girls move into the model pad, and meet the mummified corpse of Robin Leach. Several people embarrass themselves at a runway show (including the show's narrator), and the girls take part in a "super" fashion shoot. Thirteen is such an unlucky number. Let's boot one more tonight, shall we?
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Naima kicked all dem bitches' asses, yo! Limecrete took a stroll back in time to Cycle 1 to watch Adrianne jumpstart her career as a professional reality show famewhore.
Kick off the season with some horrifically awful audition tapes? Oh, let's do! Various girls beg to be on the show. Oh, cripes. One of the girls actually sent in an honest-to-goodness video of herself jumping on a trampoline. More like tramp-oline. I only wish that was the most degrading thing we'll see in this episode. And look, Tyra's being "funny" by doing a horrifically awful audition tape of her own! Yeah. Let's just move on from that, shall we?
36 semi-finalists arrive in Los Angeles, and the crazy jumps out at us from the get-go. Cassandra has her own "communications expert" that tells her how to act. Bre is from Harlem, but looks like she was dressed by a blind, retarded rodeo clown. Other freakshows follow. The semi-finalists meet and greet at the Beverly Hills Hilton. Ebony interviews that she's sizing up her competition and that these other girls are "gor-jus". Hilariously, we hear this over a shot of Sarah, which...well, we'll get to her later. The hideous Orange Jay arrives. Spew. I'll just save some time and call him OJ from now on. It still makes you think of oranges, plus it's associated with another psychopath! Perfect. The girls give their first of many, many, many "Woooooo!" shrieks upon meeting him. I'd shriek too, but for another reason. OJ welcomes them. Kyle interviews that she's so excited she almost peed herself. Normally, I'm against giving girls men's names in order to make them sound cute, but it works for her.
The next morning, the girls tromp outside for their first mini-challenge: basic posing. And the guest judge will be? Miss Jay! Yay! Posing, posing, posing. And then, wonder of wonders, Tyra comes out! To meet the girls! What do you mean, why am I using exclamation points!?! It's exciting! You can tell because the girls scream like they're meeting the freaking Beatles. I mean, you knew she was going to pop up sooner or later. Dial it back a bit. Nicole gushes that she's never even met a small celebrity, and here she is meeting the biggest star of all time: Tyra Banks! Nicole, I know you're from North Dakota, but I assume you can still get Entertainment Weekly delivered there. Work on your celebrity hierarchy trivia. Ebony runs out and hugs Tyra, then brags about it in an interview. I don't know why, but I like Ebony.
Later, it's time for the panel evaluations: basic runway walk, some questions, and showing off your body in a swimsuit. Bre is first, and as bad as she looked at the airport...that's how good she looks here. She's gorgeous. Miss J smells her armpits. Don't ask me. Kyle's up next, and describes working at the Dairy Queen in Michigan. If this little scene doesn't remind you of Parker Posey in Waiting For Guffman, get thee to a video store, now. She's pretty, too. Kim comes out with her butch haircut and her deep voice and interviews that she's a lesbian. No way! I never would have guessed! Probably because my gaydar exploded the second she walked out. Wow, she's pretty too. Good casting this season. Jayla is a Jehovah's Witness, but has strayed. She has sex, she doesn't go to church, blah blah blah. Oh, and she's a smoker, which she didn't really have to say, because girlfriend's teeth? I can't believe it's not butter. Other than that, she's cute. Next up is Nicole, whom I didn't really register when she was talking about how Tyra is a huge celebrity, but who now I instantly hate. She doesn't get along with her mom. Fascinating. She actually gets on her knees and begs to be in the competition. Wow, does she have a birthday coming up? I'd love to get her some dignity. Tyra and the Jays are not impressed. Nicole says that if she gets in, she won't complain about anything. I totally believe her. Don't you? That evening the girls buy a bunch of stuff at the grocery store, and they get into a ridiculous fight about chapstick. No, really. Nicole is fucking freaking out because she thinks the others will leave without getting the chapstick, and she's looking for it in, like, the motor oil aisle. Nice to see that vow to not complain lasted about three hours. Bre politely talks her down, but interviews that she's about ready to stuff her in a closet. Bre rocks.
Commercials. Crest Whitestrips. Paying attention, Jayla?
The next morning, the girls are...doing the Electric Slide in their hotel room. Um, what? Did someone slip me some hallucinogenic mushrooms? Time for some more panel interviews. Nik comes out looking not so great, with her hair pulled into a faux-mohawk and some glasses that don't really suit her. Then they cut to her in an interview, and she's beautiful. Her bathing suit rides up her butt. I don't quite know what to make of her. Next is Diane, who whips off her sunglasses in an aren't-I-cool gesture. I hated that, but then she kind of makes fun of herself for her broad Puerto Rican accent, so I don't completely hate her. She's not as stunning as some of the other girls, but has potential. She calls herself "Big D", though. Ew. Next! Oh, Susanna. Don't you cry for me. She cries for herself, because she's a breast cancer survivor. At age nineteen! All respect due to her for that, of course, but that still doesn't mean she's got what it takes to be a model, and she? Doesn't. I hate to be mean to someone who's been through that hell, but she is not in the least bit pretty. Various other girls we know have no chance do their generic model walks.
The next girl with some screen time is Cassandra, a Texas beauty queen. Oh, dear. We know how Tyra feels about pageant girls. She breezily answers some questions about current pageant winners, then Tyra asks her to name three Cover Girls. Ah, our old friend the cricket chirp is back. Missed you, editors! We never see her in a bathing suit, for some reason. Ashley's up, and she almost ties with Nicole in going from zero to hate in .4 seconds. She does know her fashion designers, though. Back in the hotel room, a fugly girl named Lisa fake interviews Cassandra as though she were in a pageant. Diane cracks up at her own lame "joke" about George Bush being dumb. Kim thinks Cassandra's obnoxious, but is pretty impressed that she embraces her annoying-beauty-queen demeanor so thoroughly. I like Kim. She reminds me of Elyse a little bit.
April is from Las Vegas and ugly. She loves her eyes. Who can tell with all that raccoon makeup and false lashes? Tyra and the Jays make her wash it all off and come back out. It's not an improvement. Tyra pretends to think differently, calling her a model in the making. Oh, then I'm sure she'll make the cut. She will, right? Spoiler: no. Ah, here's the aforementioned Fugly Lisa. She has a dumb haircut and bug eyes. She hates her mom, too. Tyra seems to love Lisa. Sigh. That evening the girls have sandwiches for dinner, and Nicole somehow cannot manage to make a cup of ramen noodles. How do you mess up ramen noodles? Everyone else hates her, and they get into another pointless fight, this one about who complains about what. This is almost as riveting as that chapstick blowout. And hey, Nicole was at the center of that one, too. Girls named Jessica and Adriana complain about the bitchiness of the other girls. On a reality show with models? Get out! Being well-adjusted gets you nowhere in this show, which is pretty much proven by the fact that we never see Jessica or Adriana again.
Commercials. Ooh, a movie about going to church! I am so there!
We're back. Next up is Sarah, and eek. I promised earlier we'd get to Sarah, didn't I? Shit. I want to support her, being a local girl and all (she's from Boonville, which I pass through on my way to and from Kansas City). But wow. Sarah's got lips. No, Sarah's got Lips. It looks like Sarah's lips ate Angelina Jolie's lips. Each one is about the size of a bratwurst. Bleh. Whitney's greatest asset is that she can sell pigs. No, really. Let's forget she even exists. Latricia has a voice like an air raid siren. And now for the most awesome part of the semi-finalist interviews. Krystle (one of the participants of the Complaining About Complainers fight) wants to take any money she gets and "put it toward the UN or helping out third-world countries". She's tired of people not helping the poor, y'all! Tyra asks her what community service she's done. Dead silence. Then more crickets. Hahahahaha!!! See ya, Krystle. Some boring chick named Melissa gets one line in, then disappears forever.
Now, Coryn. She seems nice and is fairly pretty but has serious eyebrow issues. She's like a not-as-cute Hera. She tells us her mom was on drugs. Was it Rogaine, by any chance? Regina is a natural redhead and has kind of a gravelly voice, so she gets two points from me right off the bat. She talks about how she wants to dye her hair blond and how she thinks she's fat (and she's not), so she loses those two points just as quickly as she got them. Ebony! She's got kind of a phony enthusiasm going and a doofy flower in her hair, but I still inexplicably like her. She's also the one with the titular catch phrase, "don't get it twisted". She never explains quite what that means, but it seems to signify something like "don't misunderstand me" or "I'm just keepin' it real". She knows pretty much all the other semi-finalists' names. Impressive. Too bad none of them like her. The girls amass and are told that they're going to take part in a "huge" fashion show, but that there's only room for 20 of them. Finally! Let's weed some of these bitches out! The 16 who don't make the cut have to sit in the audience and clap for the ones who do. Awesome. They stampede to the dressing room to find out who it's gonna be.
Commercials. Why does Eric Balfour keep getting work? He's untalented. He's ugly. He's like the male Claire Danes.
When we return, they replay the stampede to make sure that we get that they're excited. The ones who find their photos are the finalists. We see some of the lucky 20 find their pictures. Kyle's in. Coryn. Regina. April. Kim. Jayla. Bre (who's so very excited...she feels like she's "touching [her] star". Snerk.) Nicole. Ebony. Sarah. Fugly Lisa. Diane. We also get to talk to some of the losers. Bye, Susanna! See ya, Latricia! Mass chaos ensues backstage as the finalists get ready for the fashion show. One of the girls is Stacie, who we've never seen before, and will never see again. Um...congratulations? Ashley brags about how she's going to get the contract. I'm certainly close to putting a contract out on her, so she's not entirely wrong. Sarah worries about tripping, saying that heels are not exactly her forte. Sarah majored in understatement.
Let the "huge" fashion show begin! It is so huge, that the audience consists of the two Jays and the 16 loser girls! Huge! The show is pretty unremarkable. The only things of note are that Sarah does indeed stumble, Kim has a terrible runway walk, and Regina has more of a belly than I originally thought. Sorry for doubting you before, Regina.
OK, we need to get rid of more of these people. We'll take 20 down to 13 through the ancient art of the one-on-one interview. Man, are they boring. Although it is really funny when Fugly Lisa uses her one question to ask Tyra what it was like to work with Will Smith, and the editors insert the Scratching Record of Oh, No You Di'int Just Say That. Ooh, and when April talks about how smart she is by saying she has "a good head on [her] shoulder." Hah! Ebony inserts the word bananas randomly. Is she Gwen Stefani?
Commercials. OK, that MasterCard ad with all the product mascots getting together for dinner is pretty cute. But the Morton Salt girl shouldn't open her umbrella inside. It's bad luck.
Final deliberations. OJ is wearing a shirt that reads "Friend With Privileges". 1) Ew. 2) Who are you, Bruce Vilanch? 3) Ew. The only privilege I could see by being friends with OJ is that I'd look pretty hot by comparison. They discuss the various pros and cons of some of the girls. OJ does make a fairly astute point by saying Regina isn't heavy enough to be a plus-sized model, and isn't skinny enough to be a "normal" model. Evening. Time to announce the 13 girls who will actually take part in the competition. Let's get to it.
Cassandra. Nik. Kyle. Ashley. Brief sidebar: Tyra keeps saying "the next name that I'm going to call..." Tyra, we know it's the next name you're going to call by virtue of the fact that it is the next name you call. She is so irritating sometimes. OK. Bre. Kim. Sarah. Jayla. Coryn. Nicole. Diane. Fugly Lisa. And finally...Ebony! Yay!
Aw. I'm sorry to see Regina go. I don't know why Tyra hates redheads, but they never make the cut. Also, let's do some brief math. We know that 20 girls were just cut to 13. That leaves 7 losers. We know that Regina and April are two of them, because we saw them get their photos for the fashion show. Five losers. We know that Stacie is one of them because of her interview at the fashion show, and Whitney is one because she talks in her one-on-one about selling pigs or whatever. Three losers. And these three are very special losers. These three girls somehow managed to get through: the panel interviews, the scenes in between the interviews when everyone was fighting, the photo finding, the fashion show, the one-on-one interviews, and the final elimination without once being identified by name. Maybe one of them was one of the earlier girls who barely got any screen time, like Melissa or Jessica, but I don't think so. Wow. Doubly sucks to be them.
In the next hour of our season opener: The girls move into the model pad, and meet the mummified corpse of Robin Leach. Several people embarrass themselves at a runway show (including the show's narrator), and the girls take part in a "super" fashion shoot. Thirteen is such an unlucky number. Let's boot one more tonight, shall we?
Overall Grade: B
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