Flower Power

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 9

Previously on Project Runway: Zulema asked for a model walk-off and yoinked Tarah, which delighted Danzzz, shocked Andrae, and pushed Nick into the gutter and kicked him. The designers took photographs to provide some inspiration for their next dress. Nick had no inspiration, because he was too busy sulking about the model loss. Tim admonished all the designers about their recent work. Nick didn't listen, because he was too busy sulking about the model loss. Nick couldn't get involved in the creation of his garment, and considered quitting, because he was so busy sulking about the model loss. Santino did a hilarious Tim Gunn impersonation. On the runway, Zulema got yelled at, Danzzz won his third challenge, and Kara narrowly avoided elimination. Zulema's fugly sunglasses went home, taking Zulema with them. Whew! Those were the longest previouslies ever! Six designers remain. Who will be "out" tonight?

Opening credits. Who's that lady? Oh, it's Kirsten, whose sole claim to reality show fame is "that boring girl who didn't want to give up a scarf". I hardly remember her. Sad.

Morning at the Atlas. Andrae has a freshly shaven head. Nick talks to his roommates, saying that there's a new rule in effect: "Do not go out like Zulema". What does that mean? Don't make a crappy dress? Don't steal someone's model, because karma will get you? I have no idea. Nick goes on to interview that Zulema took his model (Really? How come he never said anything about it?), and that he's fairly relieved that she's gone. Chloe, brutally frank as always, interviews that she's not surprised at Zulema's ouster, since she never really pictured Zulema as being in the final three, and that her garment was the worst. If I ever need an honest opinion on something, and am afraid that my friends would sugar-coat their reaction, I'm going to ask Chloe. She'll be all like "Yep, that outfit looks like crap. You need to fix this, this, and this." Kara's just mostly bewildered that she's been able to make it this far. I know a few non-Kara fans who would agree.

Runway. Heidi comes out to introduce the next challenge. Andrae's hair has miraculously grown back. Hmmm, I wonder what the real chain of events is for this show, because it's clearly not the order that they show it to us. The designers will be making an outfit for a garden party. But of course, we first need to get through the Back To Pointless Model Selection. Zulema did more damage than she thought, because since she switched Tarah and Rachael last week, it's now Tarah up for elimination instead of Rachael. And OF COURSE Danzzz sticks with Rebecca, as he should, so the arguably prettiest model will be on her way. Bye, Tarah! It totally sucks that you're going out like this. The designers agree with me. Nick gets emotional again, and Santino calls out "I love you!" as she leaves. Aw. Stupid Zulema.

Another creepy mannequin torso finds its way outside into traffic. Are they all trying to escape? Is that why nobody could find their dress form in "Social Scene"? The men decide to go hang out up on the roof. Nick interviews that although they're all friends, there's a definite competitive vibe among them. Chloe, meanwhile, is a bit shocked that there are only two women left, and hopes that at least one female (read: her) will be in the final three. The designers go to sleep. "The next day", Tim stops by at 6AM. Everyone's already up and dressed. Yikes. I wouldn't be able to spell my name at 6AM, let alone concentrate on a competition. Andrae's hair is now magically re-shaven. Tim tells the guys that they're going on a field trip, then drops by the women's room to say the same thing. Everyone heads out. More pointless interviews in which the designers basically all say they don't know where they're going. I know they've got to fill some time as more and more people are eliminated, but they need to reel that shit in.

Tim stops at a place called The Plant House, Inc. and fully describes the challenge. The designers will need to create a dress using plants and flowers. Yaaaaaaaay! That sounds so cool! Two of my great loves are science (including plants) and art (including pretty gardens and such), so this is right up my alley. Chloe is not as happy to hear about this challenge, because it's obviously going to be very difficult. What she should really be unhappy about is what her hair's doing in this shot. Someone apparently snuck up to her, and teased her mall bangs up to 1991 proportions when she wasn't looking. Ew. Why doesn't she just go for the crimper while she's at it? Tim tells everyone there are three stores from which they can get supplies, and they'll have one hour and $100. Nick interviews that he's dreading this challenge, but kept on a smiley front for Tim. He demonstrates his hilarious fake grin, and if this were America's Next Top Model, someone would have inserted a "ding!" sound effect there. He sarcastically goes on to say "I had to stay long enough for the damn...make a dress out of flowers task." He rolls his eyes. That was awesome.

Shopping ensues. Kara's a bit flummoxed, and doesn't even know where to start. Nick looks for bendable plants. Santino will be working with mesh. Chloe picks leaves, because she knows they're not as delicate as other plants. Good idea. Andrae brags that he used to work in florist shop, so he knows exactly what he's doing (let's call that Andrae tempts Fate, #1). Um, so what? I used to work at a donut shop, but that doesn't mean I can create a dress out of the damn things. Andrae finishes shopping in half an hour, and stands out on the sidewalk, smarmily grinning about how he'll just have to wait for everyone else to finish (#2). Kara is still just buying materials she hopes will lend themselves well to construction. Santino wheels and deals. Danzzz spends almost every cent he has. Just as time runs out, Chloe finishes up. Everyone loads up carts of greenery, and they head back to the workroom.

The designers get started. Danzzz interviews about winning three challenges, and how he'll just keep staying the course as far as his design ideas, since the judges seem to like it. I like how he's able to sound proud of his wins without sounding conceited or egotistical. Chloe jokingly tells him that it's a bit sickening that he's good at everything he does, and he plays it off by saying he was abysmal at basketball. Hee. Everyone's so likable in this episode! Tim gathers everyone for an announcement. It's a big one. Whoever wins this challenge will have immunity for the next challenge. Everyone's agape. Andrae interviews that it'd be nice to win, since that'll get him automatically to the final four, which is his goal. That doesn't make much sense to me. Everyone else's goal is to make it to the final three, because that's when you get to really show your stuff at Fashion Week. Making it to the final four, while impressive, is still being eliminated through regular show challenges, essentially making it the same as being eliminated first. I don't get Andrae at all. The designers have until midnight. Now, things really get started. It looks like they can cover their dress forms with fabric, as long as all of that fabric is going to be covered by plant material. Of course, that means the fabric will still lend some structural integrity to the final dress, and that would have influenced my shopping choices, so it seems a bit unfair. We'll touch on it again at the judging. Danzzz starts making a woven pattern of leaves, and it's already beautiful. Kara recognizes that this challenge is a do-or-die one for her. Santino would like to win this challenge, because it'd give him the opportunity to do something really offensive for the next one. Hehehehe. Commercials.

When we return, we get to hear about the ideas everyone has come up with. Chloe is going to do a summer dress with overlapping leaves in such a way that from afar, you wouldn't even be able to tell it's made of plant material. Kara is braiding raffia, but not really sure what she's going to use it for. "I've got a pile of green," she says. "The main thing I want to do with it is smoke it, to tell you the truth." Hahahaha! Chloe cracks up. Santino's design is typically Santinish; very whimsical and arty. Danzzz has ferns for the bottom, and some absolutely beautiful purple-blue flowers that he'll use on the bustline. Andrae is using Spanish moss, baby's breath (ugh, I hate baby's breath - even the name is so cutesy-poo, it makes me want to hurl), and dried lavender. He goes outside to start gluing moss down to the fabric. Nick's explanation isn't very helpful. He just basically says he's going to make a skirt, then put plants on it. Thanks, Nick. Tim checks in a bit later. A couple of Chloe's leaves fall off the fabric, and Tim tells her that can't happen on the runway. She seems to be very behind schedule. Kara is still just creating as she goes. She's wound the braided raffia around the breasts of the mannequin so that it forms a kind of bra, but it goes up to form the neckline as well. That sounds icky, but it's really very cute. Tim is worried that she doesn't have more planned out, but she just shrugs it off, and says that the dress is happening "organically". I really don't think she meant that as the horrible pun it is, or I'd start to believe that she's been possessed by my father. Danzzz seems to know exactly where he's going, but worries about the time limit. Nick does not have a lot of material to work with. Santino doesn't seem to have done much of anything so far.

Tim realizes Andrae's not around, and goes outside to check on him. The second he's gone, Santino starts doing his Timpersonation again. They even intercut scenes of Tim talking to Andrae with Santino so that they both say "Carry on" one right after the other. Hah! Later, the designers are still working frantically. Chloe realizes that gluing the tiny leaves one by one is going to take forever. Suddenly, a gay theme hits from out of the blue. Chloe asks when Danzzz came out to his parents, and he says that it was a year ago. Nick, in an incredulous tone: "You JUST came out a year ago to your parents?". He seems to feel it's unacceptable that Danzzz waited so long in this time of love and tolerance that we're living in. Um. Danzzz kindly (too kindly for my tastes, actually - I would have made Nick very clear on how not-his-business my coming-out timeline was) explains that he grew up in the Bible Belt, and his circumstances are a little, you know, DIFFERENT. He interviews that it was tough to be labeled a fag, and how he's found support now. That's all very nice, and I'm genuinely happy for him, but this section of the show just came out of nowhere and went nowhere, so was essentially filler. Danzzz deserves better than that. Chloe jokes that her biggest fear is to date a guy that turns out to be gay. Heh, I guess she'll think she drove him to it or something. Danzzz asks Santino to do another Timpersonation. Santino creates a little story of Andrae and Tim having a lovers' quarrel at Red Lobster, and it's insane and hilarious. Andrae has an interview in which he asks if there's anyone else in the world like Santino, and if there is, please don't call him. Hahaha! I'm sorry, I know I'm "hah"-ing and "hee"-ing all over the place, but this episode is consistently cracking me up.

Evening. Tim checks in again. Kara still doesn't have a bottom worked out. Yikes. Nick has a fan of leaves that looks pretty cool, but there is a lot of fabric showing at the bottom that he'll have to deal with. Danzzz still seems to be proceeding with great efficiency, and Chloe is still way behind. Andrae has made a huge mess on the floor, and his dress just looks like a bed of moss right now. Tim approaches Santino, and totally calls him on the impressions, saying he wants to hear more. Santino looks like he wants to crawl in a hole and die. This is so awesome. I don't know who told Tim, or if he just overheard something, but the cat's out of the bag. The other designers freak out. Santino does a little of the Red Lobster riff. Tim laughs. Oh my God, I love this episode. They don't even talk about Santino's dress. Nick runs out of material, so the dress will have to be cut fairly short. Andrae talks about how he's close to finished, but wishes he had more time so that he could elaborate more. Chloe starts to panic in earnest about finishing on time. Santino has treated his leaves with shellac, which makes them really shiny, and Danzzz pretends to pass out from the fumes. Kara works like a madwoman. Time runs out, and Chloe bemoans her poor time-management in this challenge.

Commercials. I'm willing to give Top Chef a shot, since Bravo seems to do well with its reality shows. That guy yelling "Who's goin' doooooooown!!!!!!!!" needs to be beaten with a sack of doorknobs, though. We're back, and it's the next day. Everyone's very nervous. Except Andrae, of course, who tells Nick that it won't be any of the four gentlemen going home (#3). Everyone discusses Chloe's leaf issue, but decides that really, it could be anyone. Andrae: "I'm not going home, though. It's not me." He smiles. Jesus, that's such blatant Fate-tempting, I'm calling it #4-6. Everyone heads to the workroom and immediately dives into work. Tim comes in soon after, and says that the models will be arriving in a minute, but that the designers should just send the models to hair and makeup by themselves, so that they can keep working on the dresses. They've got about two hours. Chloe asks Grace to come back after hair and makeup to help her if she's not done. Kara's typically unhelpful in her hair and makeup descriptions, telling Eden to ask for "fresh Park Avenue, not stuffy Park Avenue". Chloe has Grace get a skullcap made of the same leaves that are on the dress. That is a terrific idea. Chloe is still rushing to finish, and Kara temporarily abandons her own dress (which has come together very quickly) to come help her. Aw, that's so sweet. She interviews that it's out of female solidarity, but I'll bet that Kara would have helped Danzzz in the same way. After helping for a while, Kara mentions that she hopes the judges don't yell at her for being unfinished, so Chloe cuts her loose so that she can work on her own dress, and thanks her for the help. The models get fitted. They're all uncomfortable. Nick interviews that everyone's dress looked great, so it'll be a hard challenge to call. Chloe literally glues the last leaf on as Tim enters to bring them to the runway.



Commercials, then showtime. The judges will be Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and design team Mark Badgley and James Mischka. Heidi is wearing a hideous maternity dress, which I only mention because all of the others have been lovely. She looks like she just rolled around in a tablecloth, then came straight to the runway. Danzzz is wearing one of his purple flowers at his lapel. Nice. Let's start the show. Normally, I just post the picture of whatever I found prettiest or ugliest on the runway, but since so many of these are great, I'll post them all. Rebecca is first in Danzzz's dress. It's very nice. The skirt is a mass of ferns with a small trail of the purple flowers. Those flowers also make up the entire bustline. In between, the waistline is made of the woven leaves Danzzz made, and it looks absolutely fantastic. There's also one of the flowers placed at dead center on her back. The only real problem I see are the shoulder straps, which are what's holding everything up, but aren't making use of plant material. That seems...well, not like cheating, but a little unfair. Next is Rachael, in Nick's dress. It's interesting. There are large, wraparound leaves for the bodice and shoulders, some dried lavender at the bustline, and the bottom is filled in with baby's breath. Also, it looks like the shoulders and bustline are connected with the last of the material Nick had, which are stems of some type. The whole thing is capped by a crown of yellow thistle. I don't know that I like this dress as much as some of the others, but it is very creative and technically proficient. Next is Grace in Chloe's dress, and while her rushing is reflected in its simplicity, it still looks lovely. The entire thing is overlayed with the small holly leaves, including the skullcap. Chloe has added a belt made of raffia (I think), and a bright purple flower. This looks the most dress-like of all of tonight's designs. If I saw this dress from across the room, I wouldn't know on first sight that it was made of leaves, because it actually looks like clothing. Very nice. Next is Heather in Santino's dress. The bodice is made of treated ficus leaves, as is the sole shoulder strap. At the hips, the other, more colorful leaves form a small layer, and the skirt is made from floral mesh. I don't know if that technically counts as plant material, but since the judges don't have a problem with it, I guess I don't either. The mesh does work well, giving it a very airy, springtime look. As with Nick's, I'm not wild about the overall product, but it's very well done nonetheless. Danyelle in Andrae's dress. Hmm. It's not ugly or anything. It's actually very cute. But, it's too plain to stack up to the other dresses I've seen so far. The entire thing is a bed of Spanish moss, which Andrae has accentuated with a hair accessory, a neckline, and a hemline of baby's breath. Below the hemline is a small skirt of raffia, which is what makes the waistline as well. He's sewn a zipper into the back, which is nice, I guess, but really breaks up the line of the dress, and makes it look a little tacky. Finally, we have Eden in Kara's dress. Kara has sort of been coasting in this competition so far, and seemed to have no ideas until very late in this challenge. So for her to produce this was a pretty fucking monumental achievement. It's gorgeous. In the front, the braided raffia forms a line around the breasts, continues up around the neck, and winds around the back. The open areas of the raffia are filled in with purple flowers. The rest of the bodice is a light green mesh of Spanish moss, with the skirt being a darker green bed of Spanish moss. The contrast of colors helps define the parts of the outfit in a really attractive way, and the skirt poofs out a bit at the bottom to make it show more movement than a lot of the other designs. The back is equally awesome. The bodice is composed of horizontal lines of dried, brown raffia, which is accented by a waistline of purple flowers. This dress is not only beautiful, but shows a lot of different ideas incorporated into the different areas of the outfit. Considering Kara pretty much pulled this dress right out of her ass, I feel this is the clear winner of this challenge. The judges tabulate their scores, and the designers step onto the runway. The models emerge. Heidi opens by saying she's surprised that people went with so much greenery rather than rose petals. I'm holding my tongue. Mark and James ask Nick why he didn't use more color. Still...holding...tongue. Nick explains that he was looking for bendable plants that would hold up. Still not getting it, Nina jumps onto the why-didn't-you-use-more-flowers bandwagon.

OK, that's it. These judges could not need to shut up more. 1) Flowers are fragile. I would invite Heidi, Mark, James, and Nina to try to construct anything entirely out of flowers and not destroy them in the process. 2) Flowers die. Quickly. If the designers put together an outfit made of flowers, or even just featuring flowers, they would have wilted overnight, and looked terrible. Danzzz told us earlier that his time crunch came from attaching the flowers at the last minute, because that's when you HAVE to put them on. 3) Flowers are expensive. New York is expensive. So flowers in New York are... You got it! Expensive. Nick spent almost every cent he had, and still didn't have enough material. If the designers had concentrated on colorful flowers, they wouldn't have been able to afford to create an entire garment. 4) Were the designers told that there would be an underlay of fabric? If so, fine. If not, they were under the impression that the plants they purchased would have to hold everything up, which flowers cannot do. In short, yes, flowers are wonderful, but they would have been ineffectual for this challenge, and it's really scary that only Michael seems to get that. Anyway, moving on.

Nick makes the mistake of telling the judges that he's trying to stray from his "Paris Hilton goes to a resort" aesthetic. The judges wrinkle their noses, because designing for Paris Hilton in the first place is kind of gross, given that she's just a giant, walking vagina. Also, this is still a very Nick-like design. If his intent is to stray from what he usually does, he failed. I think he would have been better off sticking with the bendable plants argument. The judges tell him it still looks pretty unsophisticated. I will say that his would be the most inappropriate for a garden party, which is what the designers were originally told to design for. Chloe is told that hers looks the most clothlike, and the most wearable. I'd agree with that. Mark tells Kara hers is the best-fit dress up there. He loves everything about it. Michael agrees, saying the texture differences are nice, and that Kara was very creative in her design process. Andrae's dress doesn't fit Danyelle well, and is too stiff. Plus, it's simple to the point of being boring. Michael says she looks like a doormat. Andrae rolls his eyes a little bit and smiles at Danyelle (#7). Danzzz's is adorable, and he used a lot of color. The judges ooh and ahh over the fact that he used flowers, and although I love the ones he picked out, the judges are waaaaaay too impressed with that. What really blows them away is the basket-weave on the waistline, which is quite amazing. Santino. Mark doesn't like the waxy look of the leaves, and again harps on the you-should-have-used-flowers point. SHUT UP. Santino explains that he treated the leaves to preserve the color, which is a good point, but Nina responds that by doing that, he's made them look very plastic, which is also a good point. Heidi likes that the leaves are shiny, which Michael jokes is because she's German. Heh. She shoots back that maybe his plants need dusting. The designers are sent off.

Deliberations. Finally, a judge (James) seems to realize why more flowers weren't used. Apparently, one of the Season 1 dresses was made of corn husks which shriveled on the runway. Heidi likes Kara, Chloe, and Danzzz's dresses. Everyone agrees about Danzzz's dress, and how wonderful it is. Chloe's looked the most like fabric, and she really thinks about women's bodies. Kara used texture in a smart way. Nick didn't explain his dress well, and Michael thinks his dress was a bit vulgar. These judges need a smack with a dictionary. Emmett's figure skating skirt was not vulgar. Nick's plant dress is not vulgar. True, I think it's a bit risque for a garden party, but it's not like anything was hanging out. Andrae's was boring and stiff. Santino cares more about creating wearable art than with the woman wearing the dress. That's a fair point. They recognize that he's creative and talented, but he needs to think about the client more. The designers are called back out. Commercials.

This week's fun trivia tidbit to avoid tiresome, repetitive show dialogue: Ten chysanthemums in the first New York florist shop I Googled cost twenty dollars. So, 1/5 of the designers' budget would cover an area about the size of the models' boobs.

We're back. Santino is in. Kara is in. She hugs Santino and has an interview in which she thanks the judges for recognizing the detail that went into the dress. And now the winner of the challenge. Danzzz. Nina AGAIN tells him how nice it is that he used flowers. Of course, Kara used flowers, too, but they were not as lush, so I guess they didn't "count". I do like Danzzz's dress a great deal. But he did not deserve this win. My cynical side thinks there may be a shiftier reason for Danzzz's victory, in that I suspect that the producers would like to cut Kara next week, and wouldn't be able to do so if she won immunity. He interviews that he's happy about the win, but sad to see someone else go. Chloe is in. That leaves Nick and Andrae. Andrae's dress was poorly fit, and not innovative enough. Nick's taste level wasn't there. Fate looks down, lines up her shot, and fires. Nick is in. He hugs Andrae and starts to cry. Andrae tears up while laughing and says "Oh, shut up. Only one person's allowed to cry on the runway." Heh. He thanks the judges and flounces off. Backstage, everyone hugs him as he gets ready to go. I have to quote his exit interview verbatim.

"When I was in the competition, I felt like I was this angel, and that I kind of just floated above the street. And now, I just feel like I'm walking in the crowd like everybody else, and that's kind of tough." Um. Yeah, that pretty much sums up Andrae in a nutshell.

Next week on Project Runway: A head-to-toe makeover for a fellow designer. Crap, I wish Diana were here for that! Santino and Nick get into a fight, and Nick starts in with the silent treatment, because he's seven. Chloe is anxious about her ability to design menswear. Santino is mad at Kara for being indecisive. Kara cries about something or other.

Overall Grade: A

Amazing Race 9 - Meet the Teams

The Amazing Race - Season 9

My history with The Amazing Race is a tumultuous one. I'll whine to anyone who will listen about the worrying downswing in its quality. Actually, here. I've already covered it. Just plunk on a big, fat F for Season 8. Still, it's hard to let go of a show that used to be so damn good. That's why I've decided to give The Amazing Race one last chance. You'd better wow me, Season 9, or you're kicked to the curb. The new teams have been announced, so let's not waste any time getting to know these people before we decide we love or hate them. I'm an American, damn it! Actually, I love to make pre-show judgments, then see if they pan out as I've predicted. Once in a while, there will be a team I expect to loathe that totally charms me (hey there, Lori and Bolo!), and once in a while, there's a team I thought was going to be my BFF, and turns out to be rancid (what up, Steve and Dave?). Let's take a look at our freshest batch of famewhores, shall we?

Lake and Michelle: One of the two prime candidates for assholes of the season. Let's look at the clues. "While he describes himself as energetic and motivated, Michelle notes that he's your typical Type A personality, very impatient and always looking for ways to do it better." Hoo boy. Translation: He uses the excuse of "motivation" to be a huge jerk to her and everyone around him, and she enables him. I am sick to death of people using the phrase Type A personality to describe someone who's an unapologetic ass. That's not what it means. "[Michelle] claims that she's much more laid back than her husband and hopes this won't cause friction between the two..." Yeah, well, hope springs eternal, Michelle. "While Lake and Michelle are both aware of their personality differences, they feel they work well together and hope their differences will actually help them as they travel the world on the Race." Yes, I find people who can't agree on anything make fantastic teammates.

-Retread of: (Wil/Tara x Colin/Christie) + Jonathan/Victoria divided by Frank/Margarita.
-Chances in the race: Pretty good. They won't finish below sixth place, and have a good chance to make it into the final three.

Danielle and Dani: Oh, dear God. Why not just call them Cannon and Fodder? They haven't traveled much, but call themselves fun-loving. They think "anything is possible with good looks and thick accents". They have the same name. They wear matching pink shirts. They are the race equivalent to a black guy in a horror movie that says "I'll be right back." By the way, nice dye jobs. Rebecca Weaver would be proud.

-Retread of: Megan/Heidi multiplied by Heather/Eve.
-Chances in the race: Probably the first ones out, but I'll be generous. No higher than ninth place.

BJ & Tyler: Hmm, we've never really had a hippie team before, unless you count Wil/Tara, which I don't. This team is a hard one to call. They may be overly laid back or they may be more than up to the tasks. They may be obnoxious twits who think they're hilarious, or they may be genuinely hilarious. They're into doofy things like frisbee, but they also speak foreign languages. While I don't know which road they're going to take, I do predict that they'll be anything but lukewarm. I'll love them or I'll detest them.

-Retread of: Kevin/Drew minus Gary/Dave.
-Chances in the race: Too soon to tell. If I had to hazard a guess, they appear about on par with Gus/Hera, so...anywhere from second to sixth place.

Ray and Yolanda: Our second candidate for assholes of the season. "While Ray is said to be the more disciplined of the two, both describe themselves as opinionated and stubborn." Translation: They'll pitch a big fit the second they fall behind even the slightest bit. "Yolanda & Ray enjoy working out together..." Wow, a match made in heaven. I know that I'll have found Mr. Right when the one common interest we share is leg presses.

-Retread of: Ray/Deana + Alison/Donny - Lenny/Karyn.
-Chances in the race: Couples who butt heads place all over the map. Colin/Christie did really well, while Cindy/Russell didn't. Let's see. People who mistakenly believe that being a gym rat is a huge advantage in this competition, and intelligence tinged with lack of self-awareness. Sixth place.

John and Scott: You'll note that the word "gay" is not to be seen once on their bio. And that's fine. If there's anything that bugs the piss out of me, it's when people are defined by their sexuality. But in John and Scott's case? They're defined by their sexuality. I mean, listing your dogs' names? Renovating a brownstone? Doing an AIDS ride? Having a motto straight out of Auntie Mame? I'm surprised neither one is named Gay Gayerson. That fear of flying won't do them any favors, and while I'm all for my people being represented on television, teams of gay men don't have a good track record on this show, personality-wise.

-Retread of: Bill/Joe - Lynn/Alex divided by Chip/Reichen.
-Chances in the race: Not bad. I'd put them anywhere from fourth to seventh.

David and Lori: Your salt of the earth team. I tend to enjoy that type of team. Good midwestern stock, their picture and bio makes them look like perfectly nice, normal people. Wonderful for real life; death knell for reality television. As far as personality goes, I'm getting the best vibe from them, so I may as well start preparing now for my heartache when they're eliminated.

-Retread of: Michael/Kathy + Dennis/Erika - Amanda/Chris
-Chances in the race: Probably around fourth place.

Eric and Jeremy: Your requisite muscly pretty boys that overstay their welcome. There's a 75% chance that they'll have minimal personality, and speak entirely in cliches. Still, they're straight, white, male, and young. Therefore? See "Chances in the race".

-Retread of: Rob/Brennan + Chris/Alex + David/Jeff.
-Chances in the race: At least top three, and possibly winners.

Fran and Barry: The token older couple. On the plus side, the token older couple tends to be fairly likable. Or if not likable, at least admirable. On the minus side, there's no point getting emotionally invested in them, because they never win. It doesn't matter how sedate or how active they are; the older team is purely there for scenery. You'll note I haven't touched on what I perceive Fran and Barry's strengths, weaknesses, or personalities to be, and that's because it doesn't matter in the slightest.

-Retread of: Don/Mary Jean + Bob/Joyce + David/Margaretta - Teri/Ian divided by Meredith/Gretchen.
-Chances in the race: No higher than fifth place.

Lisa and Joni: I often find familial relationships to be the most fascinating ones. After all, it's easy to break up with your boyfriend if he's a jerk on the race. It's not so easy to break up with your sister. Family teams also often have innate senses of communication and teamwork that I really enjoy, even if they bicker a lot. These two seem like nice people. They're both married with kids, and talk about things like enjoying art and being good with people. Plus, anyone who jokes(?) about wanting to get plastic surgery with their winnings is probably going to be good for a few laughs.

-Retread of: Lena/Kristy - Mary/Peach - Kami/Karli divided by Tramel/Talicia.
-Chances in the race: Sorry, ladies. Tenth place.

Joseph and Monica: Good ol' Southern folks. If there are any Jesus freaks on the race, it'll be these two. Joseph is sort of nerdily hot, but describes himself as "funny", which is always a red flag. Monica is gorgeous, and appears at first glance to be the most uninteresting person ever to run the race (still, that's what I thought about Hayden until I saw her in action, and immediately knew she'd blossom into a super-duper-megabitch). Since we're told so little about these two, it's tough to gauge their chances. Their blandness doesn't lend itself to successful predictions.

-Retread of: Brandon/Nicole + Paul/Amie - Ron/Kelly divided by Millie/Chuck.
-Chances in the race: If they can coast on the mistakes of other teams, they could get as high as third. If not, they'll make a quiet exit at around seventh.

Wanda and Desiree: No, really. Those are their names. While appearing to be relatively inoffensive people, they also appear to be those kind of people that run out of steam quickly. As I said, familial teams interest me, but not so much when their picture makes it look like they've been eliminated before the race has even begun.

-Retread of: Hilary/Deirdre x Jim/Marsha divided by Nancy/Emily.
-Chances in the race: Around ninth place.

Inspiration

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 8

Previously on Project Runway: The designers were told to create a figure skating dress for...a figure skater. Really, it would have been more of a challenge if they'd designed a figure skating dress for a sumo wrestler. Tim told Santino to be less of a dick on the runway. The overlock machines took center stage. On the runway, Zulema's swan dress took home the challenge, Santino went too far with his designs yet again, and self-satisfied guest judge Anne Slowey led a charge against Emmett that resulted in his ouster. Bitch. Seven designers remain. Who will be out tonight?

Opening credits. "Heck, yeah...[Nick] is going to win this." Well, with that positive attitude, I'm sure he won't be thrown into a massive sulking fit that almost sends him home.

Morning comes to the Atlas. Zulema downplays her win, while Santino interviews that after the feathery mess of his figure skating outfit, he's decided to not take any risks with this next garment. Wait, did Santino just have a moment of self-awareness? Nice! I knew he wasn't a complete tool. The after-challenge interviews are thankfully short this week, and we head straight to the runway. Heidi tells the designers that their next challenge will be based on their creativity and inspiration, and that they'll be meeting Michael Kors later to talk more about it. But first, the Pointless Model Selection. I mean, we all know that Zulema is going to stick with...hey, what's happening? Zulema isn't going to stick with Rachael! She's dumping her! Oh, snap. The rest of the models are brought out. Heidi asks Zulema who she wants to switch Rachael with, and Zulema ups the oh-no-she-di'int factor by requesting a walk-off between Danyelle, Tarah, and Shannon. Andrae's eyes threaten to bug right out of his head. We cut right to a interview that's about 0.4 seconds long, and consists entirely of Danzzz gleefully saying, "It's a motherfuckin' walk-off!" Hehehehe. That was awesome. Nick is no longer all smiles, now that the model he adores is ripe for picking. Tension builds. The walk-off is interesting. Santino voices-over that this is the first time someone hasn't stayed loyal to their model. That's not quite true. Daniel did jump from Rebecca to Claudia way back in "Clothes Off Your Back", but of course that was when they were actually choosing models for the first time. Also, how weird is it that Santino is making a moral judgment? Is this the same Santino who screams at the judges and shredded Marla every chance he got?

Anyway, Danyelle and Shannon don't really do anything differently, but it looks to me like Tarah intentionally walks badly so that she doesn't get chosen. I guess it doesn't work, since Zulema does pick Tarah, which she probably wanted to do all along. Tarah looks upset. Nick looks upset. Rachael and her ridiculously long fake eyelashes look upset. Nick interviews that's he's upset. So, people are upset, in case you didn't pick up on that. Zulema turns in her seat and whispers an apology to Nick, and he suspects what I do; that the walk-off was just for dramatic effect. Since Zulema chose Tarah, Rachael goes to Nick, and Shannon is eliminated. So, wait. If Zulema picks Rachael, Shannon is out. If Zulema picks any other model, Shannon is out. So, the only way for Shannon to remain in is if Zulema chooses her directly, and who's out if that happens? Rachael? That doesn't seem right. I'm still baffled and annoyed by these model selection rules. Zulema interviews that she changed models because Rachael's a sucky walker, and isn't really too concerned with Nick's feelings, saying that if he feels that strongly about it, he can just win the challenge, and take Tarah back. As unnecessary as I found the walk-off, I agree with her 100% on this. Rachael is a sucky walker, and Zulema choosing a new model isn't even distasteful, let alone wrong.

That dispensed with, the designers walk to Michael Kors' headquarters. He talks to them about his inspirations, which is fairly boring, except it's nice to see him talking without trying so desperately to be a catty bitch. He tells the designers he's got gifts for them, and pulls out a box. This immediately reminds me of the scene in Clue where all the weapons are passed out, but it wouldn't be much of a mystery in this case. I'm sure it'd turn out to be Santino with the overlock machine in the workroom. This box, however, doesn't contain a lead pipe, but digital cameras for all the designers. As Andrae accepts his, he puts his fingers all over the screen. Not even five seconds old, and it already needs Windex. Nice going, feeb. The designers are to take their cameras and wander around New York for an hour taking pictures. They will then select one photo to be the inspiration for their next garment. That's a neat idea.

Everyone wanders around. Andrae tells someone else to keep his eyes open. Easy for him to say; his eyes are often so open, I mistake him for a chihuahua. Sorry, I still have some residual bitterness towards Andrae from last week, when his ugly dress didn't get taken to task. Pictures, pictures, pictures. Chloe points out that Nick is barely shooting anything. He agrees, and interviews that he mainly draws inspiration from his model, and now that Tarah isn't his model, he's kind of at a loss. Understandable, but how far can Nick expect to go in the design world only designing for one person at a time? He loses me even more when he talks about how terrible Zulema is for causing this uproar. Again, the method she used wasn't the best, but changing models is well within the rules of the show, so I wish he'd stop acting as if she's switched his checkers around when he wasn't looking. Back in the workroom, the designers choose their photographs. Santino says he "edited" through his photographs, by which he means "looked", and chose a shot of overlapping graffiti. It's a pretty cool picture, and a good idea. Danzzz just chose the first picture he took, which was of two orchids in the lobby at Michael Kors' studio. Andrae's picture is of some dirty water in the gutter, which he attempts to explain poetically by saying that it looked pretty in the sunshine. I think it's a good basis for his idea, but I've been over the ugly-things-presented-as-beautiful gimmick ever since Family Guy brilliantly parodied that scene in American Beauty when Wes Bentley films the floating bag. Nick is moody some more. Tim Gunn enters and asks everyone to gather around. He tells them he cares about them all, and that's why it's time to rip them new assholes. He says that the work in the past few challenges has been lackluster. I agree. When I try and think of the prettiest clothes I've seen so far, they're from "Clothes Off Your Back" (episode 2), "All Dolled Up" (episode 3), and "Social Scene" (episode 5). So, it's been a while. Commercials.

When we return, Tim gives the designers individual critiques. Danzzz loses momentum from the idea phase to the construction phase. Chloe needs to step out of her comfort zone. That's pretty much bullshit. The judges consistently love Chloe's work, and for all the talk that she's in danger of becoming one-note, the second she starts veering from her general ideas, the judges will say "What happened to the Chloe we know and love?" and cut her. Tim tells Zulema to take risks. Zulema responds that she doesn't chance risks due to the time constraints they have. Tim tells her the judges understand the time crunch, and to not worry about it. Keep that in mind for later. Kara is the only one left who hasn't won a challenge. Santino is in serious jeopardy. Tim doesn't elaborate on that, but he doesn't need to. Andrae and Nick are given the same critique: be more ambitious. So really, Chloe, Zulema, Kara, Nick and Andrae all got the same advice in different words. Nick, still feeling low from the model switch, disregards Tim's advice completely. Because that worked out so well for Lupe and Raymundo.

Nick interviews that this was the last straw. So, it takes two straws to break Nick's back. What a trouper. He tells us that part of him just wants to quit; that he's over the show. And you know what? I'm kind of over Nick. I mean, I understand that he's upset and he has every right to be glum. I know he adores Tarah. But it's not just that. I loved him and his work to death for the first three episodes, but he's been on a constant downslide since then. His work has gotten more and more dull, he's become Santino's whipping boy while whining passive-aggressively about Santino in interviews, he condemns Zulema for doing something well within her rights, and he's considering quitting the show; giving up a spot that hundreds of people would be thrilled to have, simply because he has to design a dress for someone other than Tarah. Jesus, what a baby. Nick, now that you're over the show, maybe you can start on getting over yourself.

The designers head over to the fabric store for their standard thirty minutes of shopping (and $100 for supplies). Danzzz seems to know exactly what he wants. Santino finds a beautiful fabric that's multi-colored and matches the graffiti picture well. Zulema interviews again about her time-management issues. Have you picked up on the theme of Zulema's time-management issues yet? I'm sure the producers would be happy to beat you over the head with it forty more times if it would help. Nick asks for Tim's advice on picking out fabric for a blond model since he's been switched. This is the first Tim has heard of the switch, and he has some choice words about Rachael. "She's such a problem. She's like an elongated marshmallow. It's just these Gumby legs, and she's such a stiff [unintelligible, due to Nick's murmuring]." Ouch! Tim's insults are voiced-over a montage of Rachael coming down the runway in various outfits, and she does, indeed, suck. That talk with Tim wasn't much help to Nick, who's already feeling bad enough about the model switch, but it does confirm that Zulema didn't pull this move just to be a bitch. It seems fairly clear that nobody has much use for Rachael.

Back in the workroom, Danzzz realizes how torn up Nick is, and goes over to talk to him. Nick does some more poor-me-I'm-done-with-this bullshit, and Danzzz does the exactly right thing by telling him that it'd be dumb to quit over something like this. "Go home because you deserve to go home. Not because of some technical detail," Danzzz says, and warns Nick to think of the bigger picture. Danzzz is wiser than a lot of the older designers. Nick interviews that Danzzz's advice snapped him back into reality, and he's ready to take on the challenge. I'm suspicious of that statement's veracity, but if it means we don't have to watch him pout anymore, I'm all for it. The designers all work for a while. Dinner break hits, and everyone avoids eating with Zulema, which she says is almost like being in kindergarten. Hey, kindergarten wasn't like that at all. Junior high, on the other hand... Anyway, if the designers truly are giving Zulema the silent treatment because of the model thing, then they're assholes, but I've got the impression that they're not all that wild about Zulema anyway. We're still not that far from "I don't believe in fairness." and "Whoever took a form needs to return it right now!", so it's not like she's Suzy Lovesalot. Zulema also interviews that people are looking at her like she's "shysty", and she's not "shysty", y'all! Um, "shysty"? It seems like that's supposed to be a mix of shyster and sneaky, but still. "Shysty"? No. She also goes on to say that every time she wins a challenge, she's going to switch models. That, I really don't see any reason for, except to keep the other designers in a constant state of panic. I can understand dumping Rachael, but why not stick with a model that you like?

Commercials. We come back into the workroom, where Santino is doing an absolutely dead-on impersonation of Tim Gunn. Everyone is totally cracking up. Especially me. Tim actually enters soonafter, but it doesn't sound like he heard anything. Misleading preview! Tim asks Nick how he's doing. We see Nick's photograph, a completely uninspiring, boring design of some cross pattern on fabric. Snore. Tim slags Rachael some more, and tells Nick to make sure she walks the hell out of this dress, or it won't work. Tim and Santino exchange about fifteen meaningless words, then Tim moves on to Andrae and repeats his criticism about Andrae being more ambitious. Kara's is too literal-minded. Zulema doesn't know what the hell she's doing, and interviews again about her time-management woes. Tim thinks Danzzz's is stunning, but warns against the "Santino effect", which is not being able to leave things alone when they're finished. Santino hears him and gives Tim some trouble for making fun of him. Not too much, though, because even Santino knows how hypocritical it would be of him to pitch a fit over this. Everyone gets back to work. Danzzz interviews that they have less time on this challenge than on others, so it's a "fucking fashion marathon". But...marathons are long. It's more of a fashion sprint, Danzzz. You work on the clothes. Leave the metaphors to me. With twenty minutes to go, Zulema still has nothing. That's pretty unacceptable. She's stressing way too much over the "take risks" lecture Tim gave her, and she's shutting down. That night, Nick complains to his roommates about Zulema taking Tarah. Oh my God, shut up.

Morning. Kara rouses Zulema out of bed very gently, like she's her mommy. Aw. Everyone's tense as always before a runway show. Nick has apparently taken up the torch of ugly sunglasses. Do ugly sunglasses always appear when Rachael is nearby? Has she been cursed by a really weird gypsy or something? At the workroom, the models enter. Tarah looks like she's going to the electric chair. We get our first model interview of the season as Tarah tells us she hated Zulema's dress. At first, I put this down to sour grapes, but since Zulema herself didn't know what the hell she was doing with this dress, I could be wrong. She also interviews that Zulema had to sew her into the dress, and kept poking her with the needle. OK, that would suck. Rachael's ridiculous eyelashes also have an interview in which they say they're going to work extra hard to show Zulema up, because Nick is their favorite. Now that was sour grapes. Nick makes Rachael feel comfortable, which was very nice of him, and seems to be taking to her a lot better this morning. When Zulema's not looking, Tarah sneaks over and tells Nick how jealous she is. Heh. The models go into the makeup room. I feel bad for the makeup people, forced to make some sort of cosmetics choice based on designer descriptions like Kara's "Danger, No Trespassing". What do you say to that? "Oh, 'Danger, No Trespassing'? We'll have to use the light cream foundation!" Santino impersonates Tim some more, to the point that I actually thought Tim was in the room for a second. Commercials.

Runway. Heidi blah blahs about the challenge. The judges tonight will be Michael Kors, Nina Garcia (yay!), and Jay McCarroll, winner of Project Runway, Season 1. I'm sorry to spoil it for anyone who didn't watch the first season, but if you watched this episode, the cat's already out of the bag. Let's start the show. Danyelle is first in Andrae's dress. OK, you know I love to rip on Andrae, but I try to give him credit where it's due, and it's definitely due in this case. The dress is light gray, with a flowing bottom, and there are sparkles in a diagonal pattern down the front to symbolize the gutter water. He did, in fact, manage to make something very pretty that still has obvious connections to the original photograph. As usual, he's done something weird with the shoulders that I don't like, but overall it's very well done. Next is Eden in Kara's dress. I don't want to give the impression that I don't think it's cute, because I do. Especially the neckline. But what the hell has Kara been working on all this time? It's a sleeveless, form fitting, black dress, with a yellow and black stripe that winds from the front to the back. That's it. It's not impressive, particularly when considering that this has pretty much nothing to do with her original shot, which was a "Warning: No Trespassing" sign.

Santino's dress (modeled by Heather, as always) is pretty interesting. The colors are lovely, and the flowing bottom makes it look very glamorous. Plus, the connection with the graffiti photograph is evident, which is impressive. The waistline, however, is really bad. It's bunched, and it's way too high up on the body. It looks really out of place. Rebecca is next in Danzzz's dress. I love the colors. The skirt is an olive green tweed, and the top is a champagne-colored shiny fabric that has been bunched at the waist, but balloons out toward the top to symbolize the flowers. It's very neat. Grace is next in Chloe's outfit. It's a little simplistic and boring for my tastes. There's a baggy underlay of light blue or purple, and stripes of the blue that Chloe always uses across the stomach. Chloe's picture is of a building, and while the dress does echo the skyscraper with its clean lines and colors, it's still a drab outfit. Rachael in Nick's dress. Split the screen in half, and I'd be happy. The bottom of the outfit is lovely, a navy blue skirt cut up on one leg. The top, however, doesn't look good. It's poofy blue and white fabric that makes it look like Rachael has saggy boobs, which she doesn't. The connection to the original picture of the cross on the fabric is minimal. Tarah in Zulema's dress is next. It's not pretty. I like the red coloring immensely, but the top is just a basic tank top badly attached to a darker red skirt. Zulema's original picture was a woman in African garb. I'm not seeing it, apart from the red.

The designers step onto the runway. Nobody's declared automatically safe this week. The models emerge. The cameramen make sure to get a shot of huge Grace next to tiny Chloe again. Heh. I never get tired of that. The judges love Danzzz's dress, and it translates well from the photograph. Chloe. Jay feels her dress should have been more geometric to match the building. Chloe says she'd have preferred that as well, but did the best she could with the time constraints. Jay gets snippy about how he's been in that situation (prompting a flashback of one of his dresses from season 1), and doesn't accept her excuse. Nina disagrees, saying that while the inspiration didn't translate as well as some of the others, the overall dress is very nice. Go, Nina! Kara goes into a ramble about how New York can be inviting and restrictive at the same time. Jay tells her that her big speech doesn't match the simplicity of her dress. Once again, he's right on substance, but manages to say it in such a way that makes you want to shove a lit firecracker in his nostril.

Everyone likes Andrae's dress a great deal. Nick starts to blab some folderol about the inspiration he drew from a fabric swatch. I really think he's making this up as he's going along, because he wasn't being inspired by anything at the time, due to his model snit. He talks about how the color made him think of Paris Hilton in Greece. I actually first heard this as "Paris Hilton in Grease". Go ahead and imagine her as Sandy. I'll wait for the giggles to subside. The judges say that they see none of Nick's story in the dress. Michael says he loves the top. Boo! Zulema says she tried to fuse African style with Western cut, which sounds like it would have been a really great idea, had it worked. Nina tells her this is the third time that Zulema's had execution problems. There's a shot of the ass-baring dress from "Clothes Off Your Back" and the Banana Republic dress from "Window Shopping". Zulema tries to explain to the judges that she was trying to take Tim's lecture to heart and take risks. Nina reads this as Zulema shoving the blame for a bad dress onto Tim, but I disagree. Zulema's saying that she tried to do something different (based on Tim's advice - including advice not to take the time constraint so seriously), and ran out of time because she's not used to such a design. It's a reason, not an excuse.

Santino explains his graffiti dress. Jay bitchily (actually, you should just assume that everything Jay says is bitchily) says that Santino used the same fabric as one of the other designers did in a challenge in the previous season. Everyone gasps like Santino used the skin of a live puppy. So fucking what if he used the same fabric? What, if someone uses brown corduroy for a challenge, nobody else is allowed to use it ever? Jay keeps trying to point out similarities between this dress and a dress that Santino likely saw for forty seconds several months ago, as if Santino's trying to rip someone off. It's bullshit. The only similarity is the color, which is lovely, so why not reuse it?. Heidi also points out the waist problem that I mentioned above. Thankfully, the judges recognize that Santino tried very hard to break out of his normal mode for this challenge, and that the problems with the dress are minute and easily fixable. The designers are sent off for deliberations. Chloe's was pretty, but not fully fleshed-out. Kara's was too simple. Nick's was unmemorable. Zulema's was uninspired, unenergetic, and poorly presented. Andrae's was lovely. Danzzz's was lovely as well. Nina thinks Santino's looked unfinished, but her main problem seems to be that she doesn't approve of graffiti as inspiration. I'm starting to like Nina more and more, but right now, she needs to get off her high horse. You cannot tell the designers you're going to judge on a final dress, then judge on the initial inspiration. Down that path lies the bullshit that went down in "Window Shopping", and I am not anxious to revisit it. Michael says the most puzzling thing yet, which is that the gutter water and orchid dresses are exceptional because they're "different things to look at." Huh? You're right, Michael. Nobody else is inspired by flowers. Doof. The designers are called back out.

This week's fun trivia tidbit to avoid tiresome, repetitive show dialogue: Holland's economy once rose and fell based entirely on speculation in tulips. That speculation also contributed to the modern concept of the stock market. But hey, nobody ever looks at flowers.

Elimination. Chloe is in. Nick is in. He's not beyond hope. Lose the attitude, Nick. The winner of the challenge is Danzzz. I'd agree with that. It's a very nice dress. Andrae is in. Santino is in. That leaves Kara and Zulema. Zulema's dress was poorly designed and poorly made. Kara's was unoriginal. And for the first time this season, a designer slides from first to worst as Kara is declared in, which means Zulema is eliminated. She takes the loss with dignity. She interviews that while she's certainly not BFF with the other designers, they've become friends throughout the process. Kara's crying. I can't tell if that's because of Zulema's ouster or because it was very nearly Kara herself. Zulema says she has the talent to be in the final three, but that any mistake can cost you. Eh. I'd say she's going at just about the right time. Zulema certainly grew on me more in these past few episodes, but with the exception of the figure skating outfit, she was never able to create anything particularly attractive. As if she heard me think that, she gives me one final "up yours" - the ugly sunglasses manage to make one more appearance as she clears out.

Next week on Project Runway: Another field trip. Chloe has ugly mall bangs for some reason. Tim catches Santino doing an impersonation of him. No, for real this time.

Overall Grade: B-

On Thin Ice

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 7

Previously on Project Runway: The designers were split into teams of two, and told to create a dress for Banana Republic, with the caveat that the losing pair's members would both be out. Zulema bullied Kara into being useful, while Santino bullied Nick into being a puss. Danzzz and Andrae went home with the challenge, while Diana and Marla just went home. Sniff. Eight designers remain. Who will be out tonight?

Opening credits. Chloe tosses her hair and tells us we'll see her at fashion week. She's kind of intimidating for such a tiny woman.

Speaking of Chloe, here she is, moving in with Zulema and Kara. She's not thrilled about the idea, to put it mildly. Man, I don't blame her. Meanwhile, back in the men's room, Santino is congratulating Andrae and Danzzz on their win. Wouldn't he have done that the evening before? Odd. These little morning-after interviews with the challenge winners are fairly pointless, so let's just skip ahead to the runway. Heidi greets the designers, and asks if they're ready to hear about their next challenge. They are, but she tells them they won't find out anything until the next morning, when they'll receive a package with the challenge's details. It's kind of mean to make them get up, get dressed, and come to the runway just to hear that. Jeez, slip them a note or something. Oh, I guess they had to come to the runway to participate in the Pointless Model Selection. So OF COURSE Danzzz sticks with Rebecca, and OF COURSE Andrae sticks with Danyelle, so we will be bidding farewell to Lesley (Aw, I liked her) and Cara (Yes! Ding dong, the witch is dead!). Heidi tells the designers to get a good night's sleep. Seriously, isn't it, like, nine in the morning right now? There's a night shot of the designers returning to the Atlas, so I guess it took them twelve hours to walk the few blocks back. There is a bunch of meaningless speculation on what the challenge will be, culminating in Kara's interview in which she says "I didn't know what the challenge was, because we didn't know what to expect." Um...thanks, show.

Morning. I presume something will actually happen today. Something besides the weird harp music that brings us back to the Atlas. More weird Sesame Streetesque music boops merrily in the background as a "mailman" drops the packages off at the designers' rooms. But this is no ordinary mailman! It's Robert from Season 1, who you'll remember also helped out on one of the contestant judging panels, while telling us all about how interested Playgirl is in doing a photo shoot with him. Methinks Robert doesn't have a whole lot on his plate these days. First he stops by the men's room, where he gets a warm welcome. Santino is dressed in nothing but towels. Bleh. Robert then drops by the women's room, and finally, Emmett's room. Emmett has no idea who he is. Hehehehe. I always feel a surge of evil joy when people who expect to get recognized get shot down like that.

The designers open their packages and are equal parts excited and mortified to find frilly little figure skating costumes inside. They're expected to put them on and meet Tim Gunn downstairs. Aw, what I would give to see Diana and Marla in these little outfits. The guys in the men's room try to cram themselves into their outfits, while having fun guessing how Emmett is going to fit into his. The answer? Not well. Heh. Poor Emmett enters the lobby with his customary Great Gatsby hat and a hot pink shirt through which his stomach and nipples poke out. Nick interviews that seeing Emmett was like "International Male gone g-g-g-g-gay." I think I speak for all gay men when I say: "gone"? The other outfits are nearly as hysterical. Santino has a big, furry hat and looks like he should break into full-on arms-crossed leg-kickin' Russian dance any moment now. Andrae and Nick have similar cuts of frilly fabric, Andrae's in mint green and Nick's in lavender. Kara has a blue, velour skirt, Chloe is in a tiny skirt with splashes of different shades of pink, and Zulema has a white skirt, which she's accented with tons of golden, glittery eyeshadow. Danzzz's outfit fits his name. Black shirt. Black pants. A couple stripes of gold across the chest. It's like the show is trying to force him into being as boring as he can. Hey, maybe that means he'll win. Even though everyone looks fairly ridiculous, they all laugh at Emmett, and with good reason.

The designers pile into a van and take off. There's a weird shot of a mannequin torso standing out in the middle of the street. Is it following them? Creepy. The van pulls up to an ice skating rink. Nick only now figures out that they'll be designing ice skating costumes. Wow, catch up, Nick. The designers enter the rink, and Nick goes gaga. He interviews that there she was out on the rink: "THE Sasha Cohen". Of course, the reason that they have Nick tell us this is because he's the only one of the designers (and I'm guessing, the audience) who recognizes her. Sasha Who-en? Apparently, she's some big celebrity in the figure skating world. I always thought Olympic medals determined that, but I guess any cute girl in a tight dress can consider herself Peggy Fleming these days. God, I sound like an old man. Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn! Sasha tells them their next challenge is to create a figure skating outfit specifically for her. Nick is going completely batshit with excitement, and his enthusiasm is really kind of cute. Sasha also tells them that the dress cannot just be attractive, it has to be functional as well, which means the fabric has to stretch, be an appropriate weight, etc. This challenge sounds tough.

But before they get into all that work, the designers get to have a little fun. Everyone straps on their skates and gets out onto the ice. Zulema interviews that she's nervous, because she's only been skating once in her life. Oh, dear. In that interview, in that outfit, Zulema is totally adorable. I never thought I'd see the day. Actually, everyone is adorable in this segment. Even Santino, who's talking about what a bonding experience this is, rather than being a jackhole. Emmett interviews that Tim and Kara were having the most trouble on the ice. Understandable. One has dignity and one's from South Africa. I have to say, I'm not a big fan of ice skating (call me if you ever go roller skating, though!), but that looked like tons of fun. Commercials.

OK, enough frivolity. Back in the workroom, the designers have the standard thirty minutes to sketch, and will have a $150 budget and two days to finish. Everyone pores over their designs studiously, which is funny, since they're all still in their little skating outfits. Andrae wants Sasha to look menacing. Andrae? That's not gonna happen. After the thirty minutes is up, Tim comes to collect them. They have to go to the fabric store in their outfits, too. Awesome. Zulema's idea is sort an ice princess/swan type outfit, which would probably be my first thought, too, if I were designing for this challenge. Zulema and I are thinking alike! Someone hit me upside the head! Emmett's going for a midnight sky effect. The designers also stop by a store that specializes in trims. Santino must be in hog heaven. Zulema's nervous again, since she's never used sequins, glitter, or beading in any of her outfits. As with most people, a splash of humility makes Zulema much more palatable. Tim hurries everyone along, and they head back to the workroom. Everyone shows each other the stretch fabrics they got. Emmett asks around for some advice, never having worked with stretch fabrics, since he comes from a menswear background. Maybe he should check out that International Male catalog. There's plenty stretching over there.

Danzzz interviews that Emmett's a bit out of his league. While it's true that Emmett doesn't have as strong a background in women's clothing as Danzzz does, he's been designing clothing probably since Danzzz was using a sippy-cup, so Danzzz can just shut his snotty trap. I guess I should be happy that he's talking at all. More snottery hits. Santino thinks Kara asks too many questions. Chloe sees the red, feathery basis of Santino's dress and incredulously asks what the hell is going on with it. Nick, still being Santino's little toady, tells her to knock it off. Nick certainly didn't mind making fun of other people's dresses when it was Marla up for discussion, so he's free to shut his trap as well. Zulema also interviews that Santino's dress has way too much going on with it. I think of all the things that can go wrong with a figure skating outfit, having too much elaborate stuff hanging off of it would be the worst.

With two hours left in Day One, everyone is sewing madly. There is a lot of extremely uninteresting talk about overlock machines, and how they're helpful in sewing stretch fabrics. Um, yay for overlock machines. The machine breaks down while Zulema is working on it, though it doesn't seem to be because of anything she did. Andrae makes a series of his stupid drama faces. He decides he's going to work on the overlock machine while everyone else is working on their outfits. Zulema applauds him for this. Nobody else seems to care, since they can still sew things using other methods, if need be. Andrae re-enters the workroom, and tells everyone that he's threaded both overlock machines, and that if they mess up, whoever's working on them will have to make do. People still don't care. Time runs out on Day One, and Andrae rolls his eyes to the heavens, because he didn't have enough time to work on his outfit. Yeah, you're such a martyr, Andrae. Joan of Arc's got nothing on you.

Commercials. It's now Day Two, and Andrae is still going on about the goddamn overlock machines. There's more pointless talk about how competitive it's getting and how the best designer should win and blah, blah, blah. Everyone heads to the workroom, and gets busy. Tim drops by soon after. He tells them that maintenance looked at the overlock machines, and did what they could, but it wasn't very much. So all of Andrae's world-weary sighs mean nothing, because they're just crap machines. Tim then checks on everyone's progress. He's not happy with Emmett's midnight blue color. I usually love that color, but I agree it's not working well here. He seems content with Zulema and Andrae's work, but tells Kara that she may want to show a little innovation in her design. I don't know. There are so many restrictions to this challenge, in terms of fabric and weight and such, that I think trying to incorporate some zany idea would harm more than it helped. Danzzz doesn't like Kara's design either, saying it looks like a JC Penney outfit. Man, he's bitchy this episode. I hope those wins aren't going to his head. Tim tells Santino that his design's a little over-the-top as always, but his main concern is that Santino should think of a way to respond to the judges' criticisms that is less "Fuck you!". There's a flashback to Santino yelling at Nina about his hideous lingerie line. He refuses to consider changing his design, because he's going for a "dramatic statement". I don't see how he couldn't make a dramatic statement without totally ignoring the challenge's parameters, but whatever.

Everyone gets back to work, and gets a little slap-happy in the process. Santino sings a little song about Tim Gunn. Kara does a little jig. Heh. Andrae finishes something with the overlock machine, and Kara gets onto it. Ten seconds later, the needle breaks. Oh, good, we get to talk about the overlock machine some more. Zulema interviews about how difficult it is to sew stretch fabric without the overlock. I've just noticed that the only two people overly worried about those machines are Andrae and Zulema. I think they're entirely too dependent on them. I mean, sure, calculators make balancing my checkbook easier, but I still know how to add and subtract, you know? Andrae seems bent on blaming Kara for the breakdown, even though Tim told them the machines weren't completely fixable. Why is Andrae still on this show? His clothes aren't pretty. We've already got a villain or two. Fucking get rid of him! Anyway, everyone starts hand sewing their garments. People are starting to second guess their designs, and some with good reason. Santino laughs about what the judges will throw at him this week. He even does a hilarious impression of Michael saying "She looks like a baboon's ass exploded on her backside!!!!". Hahaha! Yeah, Michael is overly fond of trying to appear scathingly witty through dumb analogies. Back at the Atlas, Santino seems a little more seriously worried about his chances.

Morning. The designers have to put on their silly outfits again. Sweet. In the men's room, Santino talks about how every time the judges get on his case, he feels like he's backed into a corner and has to fight his way out. Well, maybe if he listened to their criticisms instead of just registering them as criticism, he could learn something. Hey, they didn't show the part they showed in the commercial preview. That was the best part! Well, I'll put it here anyway. Santino talks about how if he needs to eat people to get out of jeopardy, he will. He leans over and screams into Andrae's terrified face "I WAAAAAAAANT YOUR SOOOOOOOOUL!!!!!!!". Heh, Santino is cracking me up this episode. I'll bet Andrae's soul tastes terrible. At the workroom, everyone wraps up their designs. The models enter, and the designers get them fitted. Chloe's a bit worried, because Grace is quite the Amazon, and figure skaters are supposed to be bitty. Heather isn't thrilled with Santino's design. She waited until this week to get upset? The German leiderhosen bra didn't bother her? Weird girl. Even she thinks this outfit has too much going on, but he asks her to sell it as if she loves it. Fair enough. Commercials.

Runway. Heidi seems surprised that everyone's dressed up in their skating outfits, so I guess it was the designers' idea, not the producers'. Cute. However, Zulema has lost her cuteness by once again putting on those goddamn oversized-Jackie O-wannabe sunglasses. Man, I hate those things. Tonight's judges will be Michael Kors, Anne Slowey, the fashion news director for "Elle" filling in for Nina, and Sasha Cohen. Sasha will wear the winning design in an upcoming exhibition. Not a terribly exciting prize, but every step's a good one, I guess. Let's start the show. First is Rebecca in Danzzz's skirt. I like it. It's cranberry colored, with sequins around the neckline and one down one side, and shimmering fabric for the rest, making a triangle at the bottom. It's neat. Rachael is next in Zulema's outfit, and there's one mystery solved. I don't like Rachael, not because she's Zulema's model, but because she sucks. She looks really grim as she marches down the runway in a, I have to say it, spectacular outfit. There is white fabric with circular holes containing sequins over the boobs, and it opens out to form a hole at the stomach before closing again in an almost tennis skirt-looking bottom. The open parts of the outfit are covered with flesh-colored fabric. The only mistake is the dark makeup that Rachael's wearing. What the hell is that about? Eden is next in Kara's dress. I can see what Tim was talking about when he called it basic, but it's still pretty nice. There is a black (or really dark blue) top with patterns of sequins on it, one sleeve, and a fringe skirt. There's even a cute little sequined headband that makes Eden look like a jazz-era flapper. Next is Shannon in Emmett's outfit. Again, not very exciting, but serviceable. It's midnight blue, with sparkles running throughout it. The chest is covered by sheer fabric, which has a pattern of shiny streaks that kind of make it look like cracked glass. The back has that same effect.

Ugh. Danyelle in Andrae's dress. It is the essence of fug. It's another black dress, with one of the legs cut up to the thigh. There's a swath of feather boa at one shoulder, little bits of tassel sticking out everywhere, and the whole thing is topped by a Hamburglar mask. She looks ridiculous. Picture Sasha Cohen in this outfit and try to stop yourself from laughing. Or retching. Heather is up in Santino's dress. She's not selling it. I can understand not liking this one, but it's not really her job to like or dislike it. There's an X of feathers across her chest, and a shredded, red skirt. The back is a mess, with bits of trim hanging out at all angles. Santino was aiming for "phoenix rising from the flames" and landed more near "demented turkey". Tarah is next, and this is the first boring skirt I've seen from Nick. It's silver, with a regular pattern of sequins, and the skirt is cut away on one side to reveal a beige fabric underneath. It may have looked better if the beige and silver weren't such similar colors, but there's just not enough contrast to make it look interesting. Ooh, the back is nice, though. Lastly is Grace, in Chloe's skirt. It's odd. It's turquoise (a little lighter than the blue Chloe tends to favor), and is cut so that strips of fabric overlay each other, and flutter a bit as Grace moves. I don't know that I love it, but it's unique. I do agree with Chloe that it's reminiscent of a Christmas tree.

The judges tally their scores, and the designers step onto the runway. Please step forward when called. Nick. Danzzz. Andrae. These designers are safe. Whaaaaaat??? Are the judges and I looking at the same skirts? This is really the first disagreement I've had with the judges since the beginning of the season. There is no way that Andrae's dress should be safe. Feh. The remaining five have the highest and lowest scores. Double feh. The models emerge. The judges start with Chloe. They like that she tried something different, but what confuses me is that they go on and on about what a bold color choice she made, and how it's not often seen on the ice. Guys? It's blue. The judges feel Kara's fringe skirt is so-so, but doesn't really fit Sasha's style. Michael also calls it Vegas, as if to imply it's tacky. Because we all look to figure skaters for the latest styles. Shut up, Michael. Anne jumps down Emmett's throat, saying there's too much "tootie" being exposed. I have no idea what that means. Too much skin? Too much ass? Too much fabric? I don't know. She calls it vulgar, which it is not. It's no shorter than anyone else's skirt. Someone's a little too impressed with her temporary judge status, here. I miss Nina. The other judges don't really pick up on that criticism, but they do think that's it too safe in its shape, which I can understand. The judges love Zulema's skirt. The front of Santino's skirt isn't too bad, but the judges detest all that elaboration in the back. Michael steals my turkey joke. The designers are sent off.

Deliberations. Zulema and Chloe's skirts are both favorites. Kara's didn't wow them at all. I still don't understand how they can give Kara so much criticism, while Andrae's piece of crap was considered fine. Emmett's design was unimaginative. Anne again calls it vulgar and dowdy, which Michael jokes is hard to do simultaneously. I can see where they'd think it's boring, but I am not understanding this "vulgar" charge at all. Bite me, Anne. Santino's outfit could never work as a skating dress. Heidi is completely fed up with him. Anne makes an excellent point when she says Santino seems to be all expression, with no editing. That's a good way to put it. I retract my "bite me". The judges bring the designers back out.

This week's fun trivia tidbit to avoid tiresome, repetitive show dialogue: In 1995, figure skating was an incredibly popular televised event. In 2005, television ratings for figure skating were so low, their numbers have been described as being achieved through "the family pet accidentally sitting on the remote control".

Elimination time. Kara is in. The winner of the challenge is Zulema. She deserves it. She'd deserve it more if she took those glasses off. She interviews that she doesn't want to get too sidetracked by her win. Probably a good idea. Chloe is in. That leaves Santino and Emmett. Santino went over the top again, and Heidi is tired of him not listening to the judges. Emmett's design was stale. And again, good television wins out over good design. Santino is declared in, which means Emmett is eliminated. He stands there forlornly, with his gut bulging out in his tight, hot pink shirt. As he leaves, he jokes to the judges about how that shirt got him eliminated. Aw. Backstage, a single tear streams cinematically down Nick's face. Emmett is classy to the end, talking about how following a dream can make you happy. I'm sorry to see him go.

Next week on Project Runway: Zulema finally makes the model choice interesting. The other designers don't seem to appreciate this, but I do. Santino gets caught making fun of Tim. Guest judge Jay McCarroll of Season 1 cuts the designers down to size. And, I can only assume, the overlock machines get star billing over Heidi.

Overall Grade: B-

Window Shopping

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 6

Previously on Project Runway: Blasteriffic! The designers had to create a "potty" dress for Nicky Hilton. Zulema blasted her competitors. Marla made a copycat dress to the consternation of Tim, the judges, and those of us at home who think Marla's kind of cool, dang blast it. Santino blasted his way into a win, Diana got blasted in the "drunk" sense, and Lupe got blasted in the "out of the competition and into obscurity" sense. Ten designers remain. Who will be blasted tonight?

Opening credits. Raymundo thinks "drama has to happen." This from a guy who limped through three episodes and was sent off like a scolded puppy.

Time-lapse morning comes to New York. I wish my mornings would time-lapse like that. It would make my commute easier. Unlike Daniel's elimination, nobody seems to miss Lupe at all. Yeah, I'm guessing she won't be taking home the Miss Congeniality crown at the reunion. Zulema interviews something typically brash, but I'm distracted by the 28 after her name. Is she really 28? Hey, I'm 28, and the woman looks like she could be my mother. Except, you know, black. Meanwhile, Santino is bragging about his win in the previous challenge and getting on his roommates' nerves. Danzzz nails it when he says it doesn't matter how many challenges you win, because you have to be on your toes at all times. It's true. I don't think I've ever seen a show where winning a challenge means so little. There's no immunity from further eliminations and often no prize, so there's no way to coast. Not that Santino understands this.

Everyone heads out the door to meet Heidi at the runway. She tells them that their next challenge will be to design a garment for Banana Republic. Andrae makes one of his usual drama queen faces. Shut up, Andrae's face. Shut up, Zulema's oversized sunglasses. The winning design will be sold in limited quantities. But first, it's time for the utterly pointless model selection. Blah, blah, blah. Santino sticks with Heather, and Ugly Eliza is sent packing. Ironically, this little sequence as she's cut is the first time I see Ugly Eliza as Not-So-Ugly Eliza. Huh. Maybe she's only ugly in Lupe's dresses. And on the BRAVO website. Heidi tells everyone she'll see them at Banana Republic, and heads off.

More magic time-lapse! We're at Banana Republic, and the designers are introduced to Deborah Lloyd, the company's head of design. I'm sorry, but the head of design for any company has no excuse for those awful highlights. Pick a color and stick to it, skunky. Skunky tells them that their challenge is to create an outfit that can convert from a daytime look to an evening one. The daytime look should be work-appropriate, while the evening one should be sexier. Good idea! Skunky also tells them that while they're free to have their own creative visions, they should keep in mind a typical Banana Republic customer as they design. In other words, no exploding cupcake lederhosen bras, please. The designers pick up a bunch of fabrics on-site rather than shopping for them, and then it's back to Parsons.

In the workroom, Tim announces that they will have until midnight to finish their designs. Also, the designers will be working in teams of two. Nobody looks happy to hear that revelation. They have sixty seconds to choose a partner. Go! Danzzz and Andrae pair up quickly, as do Diana and Marla. Santino interviews that Nick seemed to be casting around for a different partner, but that he essentially shut down that idea, and indeed, Nick does eventually wander over to Santino like the good little lamb he is. Nick interviews that he kind of wanted to be paired with Chloe, and implies that Emmett swooped in and stole her, which is clearly not what happened, since Nick never explicitly asked Chloe to be his partner. You know, Nick seems like a really cool guy. He does. And his designs are consistently among my favorite. But this subservience to Santino is really working my last nerve. If you don't want to be his partner, don't be his partner. If you do, go for it. But don't meekly accept his proclamations, then whine about them in interviews. In other words...Nick, stop being Heather McNamara. This, of course, leaves Kara and Zulema to be partners. Ouch for both of them. Now, the designers have to decide whose idea they're going to use, and whose model will be wearing the outfit.

Diana and Marla have decided to go with Diana's ideas, though Marla interviews that she didn't exactly believe in them. Marla, before you go tearing down other people's ideas, it might be nice if you had one of your own. Andrae interviews that he and Danzzz are almost thinking like one person. Translation: Danzzz had all the ideas and Andrae went along with them. Chloe and Emmett seem to be the most functional, pair-wise. They get along, but they both put forth ideas and discuss why they should or shouldn't proceed with them. Santino completely steamrolls Nick's ideas. You reap what you sow, Nick. Zulema, having previously interviewed that her style and Banana Republic's style are pretty much polar opposites, allows Kara to do most of the design work. Sounds good. Tim interrupts, and tells the designers that the losing team's members will both be eliminated, so everyone will sink or swim together. Guess you can't gang up on anyone this time, Kara and Chloe.

Commercials. When we return, the designers take a moment to get over the initial shock that two people will be cut, then get to work. They soon realize that several teams are using the same color fabric, which Zulema hates. I kind of feel her on that one, because you don't want your dress to look boring. Of course, if the alternative is something that's different only because it's fugly, that won't help you either. She and Kara argue a little bit over whether to go ahead with their original idea. Diana and Marla are having issues, too. It looks like they're falling prey to Whatever You Want Is Fine Syndrome, which often strikes me when I'm trying to decide what restaurant to go to with a friend. You both want to make sure the other person is happy, and you wind up taking twenty minutes to choose a place that neither one of you is thrilled with. It's a serious affliction, but at least it's born out of politeness, Santino. Speaking of whom, here he is in a typically classless interview, talking about how Diana is grasping at straws, and how he can't stand her voice. Yes, when I start producing Books On Tape, I'll be sure to give Santino a call, since his voice is so much more pleasing. Except not. Shut up, ass. Still, Nick and Santino seem to be working better together than it originally seemed. Nick, in the second best line of the episode: "The fact that you won't see five-hundred trims on it, you know I've tamed the beast." Hahahaha!!! Awesome.

Zulema orders Kara around in an unforgiveably bossy tone, given that they're supposed to be equals in this challenge. Tim drops in with two hours to go. He thinks Andrae and Danzzz's jacket is overly cutesy-poo, but they tell him that's kind of what they're going for, I guess because it'll make the transition to the nighttime outfit that much more dramatic. Tim accepts that. Chloe and Emmett have made a reversible jacket, which Tim loves. Yeah, I'll bet that was difficult to make in such a short time period. Tim doesn't like Diana's idea about unbuttoning a pencil skirt and rebuttoning it in the back. Marla interviews that she's relieved that Tim told them to change their design. So, she'll tell the audience about the elements she doesn't approve of, but not her partner? Marla, you're losing me. Tim doesn't like Zulema and Kara's dress, either. The word "yikes" figures prominently. He tells them that this dress could lead to elimination, and that they're the last two he'd ever expect to be out. Really? Over Diana and Marla, neither of whom Tim has ever really liked? Odd.

Kara and Zulema are frustrated and upset. So much so that Kara starts to cry, and can't really stop. Zulema orders her to stop crying, which always works so well. Hilariously, Zulema interviews that she's a calm person under pressure. Hehehe. So I guess that "WHOEVER TOOK A FORM NEEDS TO RETURN IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!" was all in our minds. She says that she essentially took over the team and scrapped their previous ideas in favor of a new dress. Now, I hate Zulema, but this was the exactly right thing for her to do in this case. When Kara was a functioning team member, Zulema's bossiness was bitchy and unprofessional. Now that Kara is a hysterical mess, the team needs a decisive leader, and if there's one thing Zulema can be, it's decisive. She grabs a circular pattern print, and starts putting together an extremely simple dress and gives Kara step-by-step instructions on what to get done. Again, I doubt I'd invite Zulema to my wedding, but that was a good call on her part. Diana and Marla have changed a little of their design as well, but it's nothing as drastic. Zulema continues to give Kara instructions as she walks out of the room. When Zulema's gone, Danzzz comes over and plants a kiss on the side of Kara's head. Awwwww. That was so sweet.

Commercials. When we return, it's the next morning, and Kara's still upset. Marla thinks Kara is pissed at her, but Kara's just thinking about the dress. Meanwhile, in the men's room, Santino annoys Andrae by singing a little ditty that consists of the words "Lighten up, it's just fashion!" over and over again, and ends it by goosing Andrae in the butt. See, I knew Santino still had some charm left in him. That was awesome; it's nice to see someone get under Andrae's skin instead of Andrae getting under mine. At the workroom, Tim tells the designers they have one hour to finish up and get the models ready. Kara and Zulema are just trying to get the absolutely necessary things done, rather than trying to pull a bunch of fancy crap out of their butts at the eleventh hour. Good idea. The models get made up. The show didn't go into the selection of each team's model, but I feel it's worth taking a look. Andrae and Danzzz have chosen Rebecca. Ding! I like Danyelle, but this outfit is totally white-bread, and Rebecca has a better shot of pulling it off. Kara and Zulema have chosen Eden. Ding! I don't know if I don't like Rachael because she's always wearing Zulema's fugly stuff, but I definitely prefer Eden. Diana and Marla have chosen Lesley. Ding! I'd have chosen a jar of mustard over Cara, but that's not to say I don't like Lesley; she's very pretty. Santino and Nick have chosen Tarah. Ding! I don't know how Nick persuaded Santino to go with Nick's model, but it was the right choice. I think Tarah is possibly the most talented model in the competition, facing a challenge only from...Grace, who Emmett and Chloe have chosen. Ding! Good choices, all.

Tim enters with another announcement. Tim has a lot of dramatic announcements today. He tells them they (and their models) are going on a field trip. Andrae wails "Oh, no!" for no good reason, and Danzzz has a completely pointless interview wherein he says that a field trip could mean anything. Well, duh. Since it could mean anything, why have an interview to that effect? Really, they could have cut to an interview with Danzzz where he says "So, we decided to keep breathing, because we thought that'd be a good step in the continuation of our lives," and it would have imparted the same amount of information. More interviews. Nick doesn't know where they're going. Marla doesn't know where they're going. Enough filler, show! Get to the bloody point! They wind up back at Banana Republic. How completely shocking! They're introduced to Alessandra Brunialti, head of women's design. Good God, who are they hiring over at Banana Republic? This woman has at least settled on a respectable hair color, but cannot read her lines for shit. She. Sounds like a. Robot who cannot. Figure out how the? Sentences should. Go. Seriously, you guys. I handled my lines better when I was the North Wind in the first grade play. She somehow manages to convey the information that there's a second part to the challenge: the designers will have to create a display window to showcase the dress, and the public will vote on the winning design. Boo! What's the point of having judges trained in the design and execution of clothing if Joe Asshole gets to decide the designers' fate? Think of some of the people you see on the street. Hell, think of some of the people you work with. Would you trust them to pick a winning outfit for you? I wouldn't trust some of them to order a pizza competently.

The models, of course, will be part of the windows, and the designers have $200 and thirty minutes to shop for supplies, then sixty minutes to put the window together. Everyone does fairly well with the supply-shopping, except Diana and Marla. Diana makes some suggestions which Marla shoots down. You'll notice that Marla still isn't offering any ideas of her own, just naysaying Diana's. I've just about had it with Marla. I sort of understand not liking Diana's ideas, because they certainly aren't stellar ones in this challenge. Still. Put up or shut up, Marla. Back at Banana Republic, everyone works like mad on their windows. Kara is invigorated by this new aspect of the challenge, and throws herself into the display. Aw. It's nice to see her back on her feet. Some of the windows are really coming together, though I'll hold descriptions for the actual challenge. Gawkers gather on the street. Nick and Santino don't like how their window looks. Nick is painting the name of the store on some paper, and has gotten as far as Banana Rep. Tim, offering advice in the best line of the episode: "P...U. That's what it is." Hahahahahahaha!! Oh, marry me, Tim. Time runs out.

Window #1 is Andrae and Daniel. They're happy with their window, and indeed, it is very simple and clever. There are two clocks painted on the wall, one representing 9AM, and one representing 9PM. Rebecca walks back and forth between the clocks, modeling the corresponding look under each one. She rocks at it. Window #2 is Zulema and Kara. Another good job. There are mod circles (that echo the circles of the dress) pasted above a cityscape. They have added a white vest that can be put on or taken off as the element of change, and Eden has a wonderful, playful attitude as she models. Window #3 is Marla and Diana. Their window does not look good. I gather it's supposed to be like an office gone mad as a way of combining daytime work and nighttime frivolity, but it doesn't look that way. It looks rushed and lazy. The dress is pretty, but rather severe, so that's how Lesley acts. Window #4 is Chloe and Emmett. There are two sketches of Grace on the wall (which Emmett did, and show a great deal of talent) in her two phases and Grace looks very chic next to both of them. Window #5 is Nick and Santino. It sucks. My high school's homecoming Spirit Day decorations were cooler than this. There are two sheets of brown paper taped up, two black rectangles painted on it (representing artwork), and "Banana Republic Art Gallery" painted in blue across that. That's it. I don't see more than twenty minutes of work put into this. Santino continues to not understand why people don't like his crappy work. Zulema continues to wear ugly sunglasses. Tim tells them time is up, and grabs the boxes with the ballots inside. They probably shouldn't have shown that, because it looks like there's about thirty ballots in there. They're not even half full. Whoo! Representative!

Commercials. When we're back, it's runway time. The usual blather that explains the entire challenge we just spent forty minutes watching. The judges will be Michael Kors and Nina Garcia, along with guest judge Skunky. Hit it, bitches! Andrae and Danzzz. Rebecca looks good. The jacket has a little fringe of white, and there's a black dress underneath. It's simple, but pretty, though I do have a criticism that I'll bring up in a minute. At the end of the runway, Rebecca lets her hair down in an awesome sweeping movement that looks great. Next is Eden in Zulema and Kara's dress. They really pulled it together with not much time. There is a white vest that ties in the front (in a rather stupid bow), which can be taken off to show the circular-patterned dress underneath. If this had taken two days, I would be unimpressed, but this was done in two hours. Lesley appears in Diana's dress. I refuse to give Marla credit for a single stitch. As I said before, it's pretty, but severe. There is a striped neck kerchief, a black blazer that unbuttons to show a draped light gray shimmering fabric underneath, and a black skirt that unbuttons to form a slit for the evening look. It's not the prettiest dress I've seen for this challenge, but is by far the most technically proficient one. Next is Grace in Chloe and Emmett's dress. The top is a similar fabric to the gray one we just saw on Lesley, but I don't like the bow at the chest on this one. However, you don't really focus on that, but on the reversible jacket, which is awesome. It looks like a fairly tight fit, but Grace pulls off the change admirably. The skirt is long and black, and has two white lines running down the side. Beautiful. And finally, Tarah, in Nick and Santino's dress. If this dress had been made by another team, I would be more impressed. However, for Santino and Nick, who are often frontrunners for the win, this is disappointing. It's like a navy blue smock that ties in the front with wide sleeves, and a navy blue skirt. Nick voices over that it's "out there" and I agree. The smock comes off to reveal a white...halter top, I think, that bunches a little at the boobs.

The judges tally their scores, and the designers step onto the runway. Heidi tells them that all of them will stay for the Q & A, and acts like it's the biggest surprise since the end of The Usual Suspects. So, instead of questioning five designers, they're questioning five teams. Oooh, what a revelation! Pick my damn jaw up off the ground, Heidi! The models emerge. Skunky and Nina think Danzzz and Andrae's dress is wonderful. Now, here's the criticism I have. Yes, the dress is pretty. But as far as the challenge to create something work-appropriate for the daytime look, this doesn't make the cut. If a woman wore something like that to the office, people would wonder why she's dressed for a party. So, in the truest sense, I feel like they didn't really do what the challenge asked of them, though the judges disagree with me. Zulema and Kara are told their outfit looks rushed, and Zulema actually manages to give a fairly diplomatic answer, about how since she and Kara have differing styles, it led to a time crunch. It pains me, but good on you, Zulema. The judges aren't thrilled with the vest/jacket (which is understandable), but like the dress. Diana and Marla are told their dress doesn't look modern enough. Again, true, but if you look at the five outfits, and were to pick which one makes the most successful transition from something day-appropriate to something night-appropriate, this is the clear winner. If the judges want to score based on modernity and the dress' hip-factor, that's fine, but then that's what should be explained as the challenge. This telling the designer to concentrate on A, and then giving them trouble for not designing for B is complete bullshit. Michael says that Lesley looks like a stewardess. Hey! Write your own material, Michael!

Chloe and Emmett get raves. In fact the only criticism they get is that the dress looks overly expensive for Banana Republic, which Chloe deflects quite nicely by saying the outfit looks expensive, but isn't, which is actually a selling point. Clever girl. Santino says his inspiration is a woman who's an art director or works at a fashion magazine. Yes, those are about the only two occupations where this dress would be appropriate for daytime wear. I guess the 99.99999999% of the population who aren't avant-garde artistes can just suck it. Now, let's play conversational three-card monte. Watch the lady! Watch the lady! Santino says that this outfit would be good for that sort of artistic woman customer. Michael responds that those types of women are his customers, and that they wouldn't buy this outfit. Santino answers this criticism by saying that Michael's average customer is older than the average Banana Republic customer. There! Did you see it? Do you see how Santino tries to argue something, and when called on it, responds to something completely different? Michael was talking about artistic women's tastes, not the average age of the Banana Republic consumer! It'd be like if you said "Spinach is bad for you." I respond with "Huh? What are you talking about? Spinach is packed with Vitamin A, which is extremely good for you," and you come back with "Who cares how much Vitamin A it has! It tastes icky!" People like Santino are impossible to argue with, because they refuse to stick to the very point you're arguing about. And besides, spinach rocks, so shut up. Santino manages to take it even further by saying that tons of people who are familiar with Banana Republic aren't familiar with Michael Kors' designs. Well, how completely and utterly irrelevant. Thank you, Santino. Skunky kind of awesomely shoots him down by saying it's not right for their customers. I'd like to see Santino tell her she doesn't know what Banana Republic patrons want. The judges ask how Santino and Nick worked together. Nick tries to explain, but he is so utterly terrified of Santino that he stutters and stammers through the whole thing, ultimately making no sense. I think he was trying to simultaneously defend the dress, accept partial responsibility for the judges not liking it, and slide some blame off onto Santino for having the ideas that led to the dress' unpopularity. He fails. Santino looks ultra-pissed. Grow a pair, Nick.

The designers are sent off so that the judges can deliberate. The deliberations follow the same lines as the questions, which is a little boring. Why have the designers defend their work if you're never going to accept their explanations? Oh, because then you wouldn't have Santino throwing big ol' tantrums. Got it. Heidi reveals to the judges (but not to us) who got the most and least votes. So the public, who were not told what the challenge was about, but only to pick the window they found most attractive, get to decide who's getting booted? So not only are the designers getting criticized for not achieving B when they were told to achieve A, but the whole outcome is being decided by people who are judging on C. This is an utterly ridiculous way to judge the challenge. Rrrrghhh!! What'ere, Jane Eyre.

This week's fun trivia tidbit to avoid tiresome, repetitive show dialogue: The name "Santino" literally means "saintly or holy". I guess his parents majored in irony.

OK, magnificently stupid decision time. Andrae and Daniel have won the challenge. They leave the runway. Emmett and Chloe are in. Kara and Zulema are in. That leaves Nick/Santino and Diana/Marla. Sigh. May as well get up and get a beer now. I mean, come on. Nick and Santino, who combined, have won 50% of the challenges vs. Diana and Marla who...haven't. Yes, it's my beloved fashion nerd who will be sent home. Sniff. Oh, and Marla, too. Diana is a good egg in her exit interview, talking about how she has learned a lot in the competition that it would have taken her years to learn in the industry. Marla would like to challenge herself more in her design. Well, it's nice to see exit interviews sans the bitchy, delusional comments about how the judges and the public just don't understand their work. Still, I think it's worth one. Judges? How about judging on the actual fucking challenge next time? Thanks.

Next week on Project Runway: The designers will get a package with all the details of their next challenge inside. Apparently it has something to do with figure skating. Yawn. Plus, Santino wears a big furry hat. Guh?

Overall Grade: C