America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 12
Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: A bunch of horseshit that resulted in Brittany's undeserved elimination.
We're down to the final three! Let's meet our girls. Kahlen is a small town girl with no modeling experience. She's never even seen this show before, a fact that makes Tyra give her quite the dirty look. She takes wonderful photos, but lacks confidence. Has she not won a single challenge? Huh. I guess not. Naima is the reformed party girl, who has muffled her past, causing the judges to criticize her for being in a "shell". Keenyah has weight issues and is confident (read: a bitch), which can lead to arrogance (read: a megabitch). Tyra says that she is "hungry for success", which is hilariously mean.
Cape Town. The girls visit an outdoor zoo, and walk up to a pen of cute little birds. I know those aren't penguins, but they look mighty close. I have no idea what they really are. Wow, those two biology degrees are certainly well-deserved, aren't they? Keenyah asks if they're going to attack her. Oh, if only. Tyra meets with the girls one-on-one. Kahlen talks about how a lot of people never believed in her, and didn't think she'd make it in this competition. Naima talks about how much more comfortable with herself she is now. Keenyah thinks that she eats because she has an oral fixation. So chew a damn pen like the rest of us. All in all, the "Tyra is caring den mother to the girls" is always a really boring segment that does nothing but helps kill about five minutes.
Tyra Mail! Kahlen reads it out, and it includes the phrases "draw on everything you've learned" and "duck for cover". Kahlen jokes that the challenge will be drawing ducks, which would have been sweet. The girls show up bright and early, and the first thing they're faced with is Orange Jay. Gah! Not that I'd ever be happy to see him, but I'd be especially ooked out at the crack of dawn. He asks them if they're ready for a runway show. Kahlen smiles widely, interviewing that she thinks she excels at runway shows, so she's got this in the bag. Orange Jay quickly crushes her dreams by announcing that the runway show is a fake, as a backdrop for the Cover Girl commercial they'll be shooting today. Kahlen's smile fades rapidly. "Acting is not my thing at all," she interviews. Acting's not her thing. Dancing's not her thing. Posing with boys is not her thing. Kahlen needs to get a thing. In addition to the commercial, the girls will have a close-up beauty shot taken for a print ad. Jay blathers about how great Cover Girl is. Ew. Next time, make the product placement a little less blatant, and have someone who doesn't look like a sandblasted mannequin deliver it.
Kahlen is extremely nervous about the commercial. Keenyah is very confident and says that she'd be a great representative for anything in the modeling world. I don't quite hear the rest because I am choking on my own hysterical laughter. The ugly makeup artist gives Naima a bunch of crap for being a quiet girl. Shut up, Ugly Makeup Artist. Less yakking. More covering up the unfortunate zit that Naima seems to have sprung. The fake runway show starts. Miss J is there, and tells Naima not to lead with her chin, because otherwise, everyone can look right up her nose and "see what [she's] thinking". Ha! I love Miss J. Keenyah looks great, but is a bit overconfident, tossing in a lot of winks and kisses at the camera. Orange Jay complains that she doesn't look natural. This from a man who's so processed and bleached and waxed and tanned that he looks like a cross between a Ken doll and an Oompa Loompa. Kahlen is fine, if a little dull, at the runway scene.
Now it's time for the girls to deliver their lines. Naima's a little wooden, but does fine overall. Keenyah flubs her lines a bit, but seems very natural and poised for the camera. Kahlen, as she predicted, sucks rocks. "Jesus Louise-us," she mutters after she messes up for like the fortieth time. Aw, she's cute when she's incompetent. Finally, the girls pose for their beauty shot. Keenyah's up first. Orange Jay babbles on and on nonsensically as he always does. Miss J manages to insert a line about how she shouldn't lose her neck, which is the only piece of helpful advice to come from the observers. Naima thinks the beauty shot is a bit tough, but she turns out beautiful, as always. Kahlen wants the beauty shot to redeem her crappy performance in the commercial. As she tries to smile naturally, Miss J tells her to imagine farting and smiling at the same time. Kahlen cracks up, and the photographer gets a great shot. See? Miss J is effortlessly smarter, funnier, and cooler than Orange Jay.
The girls discuss how they think they did. Keenyah interviews that the judges see something special in Naima that she doesn't see. That'd be a soul, Keenyah. Naima is nervous. Kahlen thinks she really underperformed, and is convinced she's going to be cut. Judging time. Wow, Keenyah's necklace is really, really pretty. The guest judge for today will be Gretha Scholtz, who's a designer for a bathing suit line called Poison Ivy. Red, blotchy skin is certainly what I like to think of when I'm purchasing a bathing suit. Why not just call it the Eczema line? Tyra explains the prizes for the show, as she does every week, then says that the two finalists will compete in a runway show. Janice begs to be in the show. You can play with the other models when your Botox is through hardening, young lady.
The girls are being judged on three things today: the commercial, the beauty shot, and a model walk. Naima's up first. On anyone else, the walk would be fine, but I think it's pretty poor for her. Janice agrees with me. The beauty shot could not look better. It's simply perfect (Nole disagrees, but I tend to ignore him because he's stupid). As to the commercial, the judges are very impressed. Tyra in particular didn't think Naima had it in her. We have to hear again about her troubled past. Janice tells her what's in the past is all over now, and Naima bursts into tears for no apparent reason. All right then. Keenyah. I like her walk, but the judges, especially Gretha, don't feel it was up to her standards. The photo is great, except for one thing. Yes, she's lost her neck, which makes her head look disproportionate. Should've listened to Miss J, Keenyah. The judges are wishy washy about her commercial performance, but I think she did very well with it. Kahlen. Her walk is stiff and her face isn't the least bit expressive. Nigel notices that she holds her breath when she walks, which you really cannot do. Tyra doesn't like her beauty shot, but I think she looks terrific; very natural and relatable. I thought she was just so-so in the commercial, but the judges are more generous than I am.
Deliberations. Everyone loves Naima. Kahlen's pictures are great, but she loses a lot of appeal in person. Keenyah is striking and pudgy. The girls come back in. Here we go. Naima is safe. No surprise there. Would Keenyah and Kahlen please step forward? Tyra makes them face each other, and tells them that every quality that they lack can be found in the other girl. As she begins to pull out the photo, it cuts to commercials. You rat bastards!
OK, we're back. And the second finalist is....Kahlen! Oh, snap! Keenyah starts crying. We see Keenyah's portfolio, and she took some really awesome photos. Of course, she proceeds to piss away any lingering respect I may have had for her by turning her entire exit interview into a list of reasons why Kahlen sucks. Not what she's learned. Not what she's accomplished. Just that she's shocked she's leaving because she's so much better than Kahlen. Keenyah? Sweetie? Fuck off.
The next day, Kahlen and Naima interview that they like each other, but cannot be friends right now, because they are in direct competition. Sounds fair. They head for the fashion show. Orange Jay is waiting for them, and looks even more hideous than usual. He's wearing a kind of pink outfit with weird straps and a neckline open to the chest. It really highlights his skin tone, and that is not a compliment. We are seeing way too much of him this episode. He explains that they will be modeling clothes from three designers, then points out the runway, which is partially submerged in water. That is so cool! Miss J appears and demonstrates walking on the runway. He also calls them "model tramps" and tells them they have move on the water like Jesus, who had all the hip action under his robe. Ha! Flash forward to show time. Tyra comes backstage to wish them luck. They're both very nervous. Kahlen is petrified she's going to fall right off the runway into the water. That'd make for quite a finale. The girls don't talk to each other, concentrating very hard on the show ahead. The judges file in and sit down with the rest of the audience. Miss J is dressed head to toe in African garb, complete with the Erykah Badu turban.
First pass. I'm not loving these outfits they're wearing. They're kind of slutty goth style. Both Naima and Kahlen do excellent walks and poses. The second pass is evening gowns, which are totally gorgeous. Kahlen walks confidently as she interviews that she was "stomping" on all the people who didn't believe in her and the little girl who didn't believe in herself. I understand, but the imagery of stomping on a scared little girl is probably not what she was going for. Work on your metaphors, Kahlen. Third pass is swimsuits, and this is the big one. Tiny, complicated suits that shows everything. Plus, this is the pass where Naima and Kahlen will actually walk by each other. Naima interviews that when she sees Kahlen, she'll be all like "Look bitch, this is what I have to offer." Only Naima could say that and make it sound like she still totally respects Kahlen. The suits are bizarre, but they both look great. During the finale, all the models come out and dance around in the water, and you can tell they both had a blast. After the show, Kahlen sneaks up on Naima and gives her a monster hug and a kiss. Aw. I cannot tell you how wonderful and refreshing it is to watch a finale where I like both of the finalists.
The girls feel great about their performances in the show and in the entire competition, as they should. The final Tyra Mail appears out of thin air. Kahlen reads aloud about the upcoming judging, then squints and pretends to read "Kahlen, you are the greatest model in the world", which leads Naima to fake-read "but Naima, your walk tonight was beautiful." They both crack up. They both rock. They enter the judging wearing the same beautiful evening gowns they wore for the show. Tyra introduces them a final time, saying that Naima is from Detroit, Michigan, but that Kahlen is from "Oklahoma". That's it. We don't get to hear what town she's from, because it totally doesn't matter. The whole Midwest is just a gelatinous mass of flyover country, right? Asses.
Tyra recaps the prizes as if we didn't just hear them ten minutes ago. They watch the fashion show, and the judges love both of them. The final "challenge" is to compare the girls' photos from week to week. Here's how they stack up in my book. Aliens. Advantage: Kahlen. Her makeup helps a lot, but she gave a terrific pose as well that really works for her. Naima looks fine, but a bit bland. Walkin' The Dogs. Advantage: Kahlen. She's got a kind of pouty mouth, which I usually hate, but looks great here. Again, Naima looks OK, just not as good. Wet and Wild. Advantage: Naima. She has a badass look on her face that just pummels Kahlen's generic pose into the ground. Seven Deadly Sins. Advantage: Kahlen. For once, Nole says what I'm thinking, that Kahlen is personifying the definition of Wrath. Naima looks good as Envy, but is simply outshined by Kahlen. Animal Safari. Advantage: Naima. Everyone loves Kahlen's springbok photo, but I find Naima's cheetah much more alluring. The Aristocrats. Advantage: Naima. The judges call this her best photo, and I agree. It is just flawless. That makes it 3 to 3, and they both look so great in the Cover Girl beauty shot. If I absolutely had to pick, I'd choose Naima's as being better. Tyra asks each girl why she thinks she should be America's Next Top Model. They both give bullshit beauty pageant answers that judges love about overcoming the Shy Girl inside.
The judges deliberate. They think that Kahlen has the more solid portfolio, but that Naima completely rocked the commercial, beauty shot, and fashion show. They bring the girls back in. Tyra informs them that it was the longest deliberation the judges have ever had. Easy to see why. And the winner is.....Naima! Yay! She yells with excitement. Kahlen starts to cry. Tyra hugs both of them, whispering "I'm so proud of you" to Kahlen. Kahlen interviews about how much modeling means to her, and what she's learned about herself in the process. She's sweet. She'll do all right for herself. We flash back over some pictures of Naima's childhood and some clips of her during the show. She gleefully announces that she is, in fact, America's Next Top Model. That you are, Naima. Cheers!
Overall Grade: A-
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
5 Continents, 25 Cities, and More Than 40,000 Miles!
The Amazing Race - Season 7, Episode 11
Previously on The Amazing Race: Ryan and Chuck fell behind and were eliminated. Too bad. They looked fun. Megan and Heidi were ditzy Olivia Newton-John clones, and lasted one more episode than I thought they would. Debbie and Bianca thought "mountains" meant "that big, wet, salty thing that fish live in". Susan and Patrick whined a lot, and so did their boat. Ray and Deana bickered their way into last place and thankfully never recovered. Brian and Greg got lost, then practically naked. Lynn and Alex drove in the wrong direction one too many times, and left to be annoying elsewhere. Meredith and Gretchen ran out of other dumbass teams prone to screwups. Three teams remain. Who will win?
London. Phil explains the whole concept of the show. Thanks, Phil, but I'm not too sure people unfamiliar with the show are going to be tuning in for the finale. He's also sure to include his usual phrase "race around the world". Let's keep that phrase in mind for about fifteen seconds, shall we? Rob and Amber are the first team to leave the mat at 2:47 AM. They receive their clue, which sends them to Kingston, Jamaica. That'd be west. So....not really a race around the world, then. Unless I missed some important news about Asia seceding. Rob and Amber head for the airport, and find a 12:40 PM flight to Kingston. Eventually, all the teams will wind up on this flight.
4:26 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat. Sweet sassafras, how long did they spend at that Roadblock last week? Wow. Since they're boring in every respect except for the one where they hate each other, we listen to Kelly interview about how Ron can't see what a quality girl she is. She's smiling through the whole thing like even she knows what a line of crap she's spewing. Ron interviews that he never had to deal with this emotional stuff in the Army. Yes, Ron, but what about all those years before the Army? He wasn't born into the POW camp, was he?
4:41 AM. Uchenna and Joyce give us the word that the teams will be receiving $630 dollars for this leg of the race. They talk about how they love each other, and head for the airport. After all the teams get their tickets, Kelly decides there couldn't be a better time to talk about her and Ron's relationship. She talks about how much she wants them to be together, but he will not be pressured into marrying her, so they essentially break up. I'm sure that the pain and awkwardness stemming from this won't have any effect on their ability to run the race, right?
Kingston, Jamaica. Everyone grabs taxis to head for a beach called Frenchman's Cove. Ron refers to Jamaica as "a third-world country". Yeah, you always hear about how people love to spend their vacations and honeymoons in third-world countries. That's why there are always so many great packages to Ethiopia. Shut up, Ron. When the teams reach the cove, they find their next clue, and it's this week's Roadblock. In this Roadblock, a member of the team must do the limbo in order to determine their departure time the next morning. The lower you go, the earlier you can leave. This is the coolest Roadblock ever! It's tough to believe that this and the suck that was the "eat four pounds of meat" Roadblock came from the same minds. All of the ladies take the Roadblock. Amber and Kelly manage to get under the lowest setting, so they will leave at 8:15 AM the next morning. Joyce can't quite get that low, so she and Uchenna will be leaving at 8:30 AM. They will be going to a place called Grants Level, which I guess is the capitol building for The Land of Shitty Punctuation. Kelly talks about how Rob and Amber always seem to be right next to them, and that she thinks they're scared. Yeah, weepy, emotional women are really difficult to compete against. I'm sure all those gold medal winners are always whining about their boyfriends in the middle of the long jump.
In the taxi on the way to Grant Should Look Into Apostrophes, Rob talks about how they've got a one in three shot of winning a million dollars, and how most people never see that amount of money. He's talking about it as if his fiancee isn't sitting on a million dollars already, and it makes me want to jab a pencil in his eye. They get to the clue box, and it's a Detour. The choices? Raft It or Build It. In Raft It, you have to float 8 miles down the river with only a pole to steer. In Build It, you have to assemble a raft, then float it across the river to a clue. This isn't a very good Detour, since 8 miles is really, really far. I'm not that great at building things, but anyone who has the skill to put together a Target bookcase could assemble this raft. Everyone picks Build It, with Kelly making Ron choose the Detour so that she can yell at him later if they have trouble. Uchenna and Joyce catch up, so everyone is madly assembling. It goes pretty much how you'd expect. Rob and Amber are really fast but make risky choices like not wearing gloves. Uchenna and Joyce work steadily and are pretty efficient. Ron and Kelly bicker and argue, and focus way too much on what everyone else is doing.
Rob snaps at Amber a little bit, then apologizes. Amber says "I'll do whatever I can to make you happy. Then after the race, you can make me happy." Naughty! At least if his mouth is busy, she won't have to listen to that accent. Ew, I just grossed myself out. Rob and Amber finish the raft, but have built an extra section into it they have to take out. Ron and Kelly finish, but one of their bamboo poles isn't in the right position. Uchenna and Joyce finish, and it's perfect. Rob and Amber finish successfully soon after. Both teams get across the river and get their clues, which sends them to Round Hill in Montego Bay, the pit stop. Ron and Kelly are left behind as the others take off. They finally finish the raft, and head out, not stopping the bickering for a second.
So now it's a three-way taxi race to the pit stop. The Bad Luck Imp giggles with delight as he throws problem after problem at them. Everyone has to stop for gas. Rob and Amber get caught at a routine security checkpoint. Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire. Everyone's stressed and upset. Rob angrily talks about how the cop may have cost him a million bucks. Yeah, so did you flapping your gums about the earlier flight to Turkey, so shut up. The flat tire put Uchenna and Joyce far behind, so Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber race for the mat, with Ron/Kelly barely edging them out. They win nothing, of course. Uchenna and Joyce finally arrive, and are told they're last, but of course this is the final non-elimination point. They're stripped of their money and possessions. Boo!
We're back for the second part. 2:37 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat and head for the town of Lucea, where they'll have to pick up a bag of onions and take them to a restaurant, then chop fifty of them. Oh, and they're still broken up. They tell the guy who calls a taxi for them not to call one for anyone else, and he basically accuses them of cheating. Ha! That was funny.
2:38 AM. Rob and Amber leave, and let us know that everyone except Uchenna and Joyce will be receiving $445 for this leg. Rob brags about how they've got the race in the bag. Fate raises her eyebrow and grins.
2:48 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. I guess ten minutes isn't too bad, but that lack of funds is troublesome. They want to go to the airport to beg, and catch a ride there after a while. Ron and Kelly have to stop for directions, so Rob and Amber are first to the onions. She very intelligently suggests picking up the lightest bag, since chopping 50 small onions is bound to take less time than 50 large ones. Both teams get to the restaurant and much chopping ensues. Uchenna and Joyce are having some trouble begging at the airport. This is just painful to watch. Rob and Amber finish their onions and take off. Ron interviews that Rob has fear in his eyes. No, that would be tears from chopping onions. He says that if Rob doesn't think he has competition, then he's an idiot. Rob is many things, and I don't like most of them, but idiot he is not. They finish and leave for the next destination, Rose Hill, which is gorgeous.
Both lead teams arrive at the clue box at the same time. Detour. Pony Up or Tee It Up. In Pony Up, you have to (really) ride a horse into the ocean. When it starts swimming you get off and hold on to its tail. Then you go around a buoy and back to shore. Nobody picks this one, which is a damn shame. In Tee It Up, you dress in dumb golf clothes and alternate hitting golf balls at a 15-foot area about 140 yards away. Yeah, that does sound significantly faster. Still, I wanted to see the horse one. Boo! Uchenna and Joyce have gotten enough money for a cab and get their onions and Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber begin. Weird symphonic music plays as their balls fly all over the place. Not so sure Beethoven was an avid golfer, there. Uchenna and Joyce chop. Rob hits the area, and he and Amber get their next clue, which sends them to a fort in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Oh, I so want to go there. Apparently, they included flight information in the clue, because Rob knows there's a flight at 9:15, and they have twenty minutes to make it. At this point, I turned to my friend and said, "Oh, they'll make it. Fucking Rob and Amber always make it."
Uchenna and Joyce? Still chopping. Kelly hits the area. As they get into their taxi, Ron beats himself up about doing a bad job with the golfing, saying he deserves a pickaxe through his skull. Ew. Kelly just grins. They're weird. Rob and Amber are at the airport and ask to get onto the flight. It's already boarding and without tickets or even standby, let alone not having been through security, they are denied. "Unbelievable!" Rob yelps as if it's all so unfair. He complains again that the ticket agents may have cost him a million bucks. Of course, their leprechaun luck kicks in again as they discover that the 8:03 flight has been delayed to 9:54, so they can get on that one. "Unbelievable!" I yell, because it's all so unfair. Ron and Kelly show up, and want that flight as well, but it's too late. They'll be on the 12:42 flight. Uchenna and Joyce finally finish chopping their onions. The taxi driver agrees to take them to Rose Hall. He must be doing this on charity at this point. Bless you, taxi driver.
And then, some quick intercuts. Rob and Amber arrive in San Juan. Uchenna and Joyce choose Tee It Up. Rob and Amber get the clue that sends them to the Aguadilla abandoned sugar mine. That so sounds like the title of a Nancy Drew book. The Abandoned Sugar Mine! She was such a snot, wasn't she? And a tease, too. I never knew what Ned Nickerson saw in her. What? Oh, the race. Fine. Ron and Kelly get on their flight to San Juan. The editing would suggest that Uchenna and Joyce hit the area with the golf ball practically right away, but that seems a bit fishy. In the taxi, we see that Joyce still has her golf clothes on. Thief! They get to the airport and get a 4:58 flight to San Juan. Not bad, considering how far behind they were. They do some additional begging. Ugh. Rob and Amber arrive at the sugar mine, and discover that it doesn't open until 7:30 AM. Yep, we all knew there'd be an equalizing point somewhere. The other two teams eventually catch up, so everyone's even again.
The next morning everyone runs in. Roadblock. Whoever takes it has to jump 30 feet into the river, then swim 90 yards to the clue. Easy! Rob and Amber run in the wrong direction. Ron and Uchenna take the Roadblock, and both give a mighty yell as they hurl themselves into the water. Rob and Amber figure out they're in the wrong place. Rob whines AGAIN about this being a million-dollar mistake. I understand you want to win, but if you're so concerned with a million dollars, why don't you sit at home and COUNT THE MILLION DOLLARS YOU ALREADY HAVE? Gah! Stop trying to make us feel bad for you. We don't. Ron and Uchenna reach the clue, which sends them to the final destination city of Miami. Once there, they have to find a clue at the Rickenbacker causeway, which has no special qualities except it's really fun to say "Rickenbacker". Amber jumps. Everyone's driving to the airport. I think the worst thing about this Roadblock would be traveling around in wet clothes. That would drive me batty. Everyone hits a toll booth (not literally, of course), and Ron picks the longest line to get into for some reason, so Rob and Amber are able to take the lead again. They see a sign, and Rob says that the helpful signs really make it easy to navigate. Which of course leads us into the scene where Kelly says "go left". Ron does, and she starts screeching about how he should have gone right. He screeches back about how she told him to go left. She yells at him about not reading the signs. He yells at her about giving him crappy directions. She, knowing that it's completely her fault but not wanting to admit it, tells him to shut up. He tells her to shut up. I sit back and grin smugly, knowing that their fight has cost them a million dollars.
Rob/Amber and Uchenna/Joyce find an 11:15 flight to Miami. There's a 10:00 one, but it is already closed. Rob and Amber buy 11:15 tickets, but then go elsewhere and bargain their way onto the 10:00 one. This show should just be titled Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong. I swear this happens every season. I'm never believing an agent again. Uchenna and Joyce also get an 11:15 ticket, but run for the 10:00 as well. Then, and I still can't believe this, the pilot (who has already pulled away from the gate) comes back and allows Uchenna and Joyce to board. Wow. WOW! Ron and Kelly, their doom now sealed, get tickets on the 11:15.
Miami. The two lead teams head for the causeway. The 11:15 flight is delayed even further to 11:40. Buh bye, Ron and Kelly. Ron and Amber hit the clue first. It sends them to Little Havana, where they have to find the King of the Havanas. What they do not know is that it is a store known by its Spanish name (El Rey de las Havanas). It's located on Calle Ocho (that would be in Spanish, so you'd think one of them would figure out the clue). They ask their cab driver where it is, but he doesn't know (THAT'S for having the guy in Peru lead you around all day). They get to Little Havana, but cannot find the store. Uchenna and Joyce get the clue. Rob and Amber ask again and get bad directions (THAT'S for Sanjay, who did all your navigating in India). Fatefully, Uchenna and Joyce's cab driver asks someone for directions in Spanish, so they get precise directions to the store. Who says foreigners ruin America? They easily find the shop, and the clue that leads them to the finish line, Bonnet House in Fort Lauderdale. Wait, I thought they said Miami was the final destination city. Is Ft. Lauderdale part of Miami? I'm so confused and ashamed. You'd think someone who spent his entire childhood playing Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego? would know this crap. Rob and Amber's driver ditches them as they search for the shop (THAT'S for Stuart in London solving all those riddles for you).
Rob finds what he thinks is the right shop, but it's a tire store. They do find their driver again, though. Uchenna and Joyce don't have enough money to pay the cab driver. They promise to make money along the way. Er...how? Rob and Amber are still lost. Uchenna and Joyce are still poor. Rob and Amber finally find the clue. Ron and Kelly arrive in Miami. Yeah, who cares? Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Bonnet House, but no money has magically materialized during the car ride. Uchenna offers a ring in exchange, but the driver doesn't accept, and is pissed, as he has every right to be. Uchenna and Joyce start hysterically begging from nearby cars. Rob and Amber are on their way to the finish line. Eek! Uchenna and Joyce finally finish paying off the cabbie, and dash towards the finish. Brian and Greg have grown really ugly '70s porn mustaches. Deana looks much better than she did on the race. Patrick is whispering "UchennaandJoyce...UchennaandJoyce" over and over. Uchenna and Joyce are approaching. Lynn and Alex are thrilled. No surprise there. There is yelling. There is screaming. And....kapow! They're on the mat.
Uchenna yowls in victory and thanks all the other teams for the support they've given. When asked about what they'll do with the money, he yells "in vitro, here we come!" which is the weirdest phrase to ever be screeched in ecstasy. After that, he gives a shout-out to adoption, which is nice. All the bases covered as far as Ways To Get A Baby Without Knocking Up Your Wife, they talk about how much they love one another. Debbie rests her head on Bianca's shoulder in a way she thinks is cute, but isn't. Oh, here come Rob and Amber. They get golf claps from the other teams. Ouch. They're good sports as they shake Uchenna and Joyce's hands. Phil talks about what a competitive race they ran. Yeah, no kidding. Rob's upset about not winning, but is happy to have Amber, and congratulates Uchenna and Joyce again. Amber says her next goal in life is to get married (catch it on CBS!) and start a family (be sure to catch that on CBS, too! I'm sure a few years down the road we'll have A Very Special Rob and Amber Thanksgiving, and after that, A Very Special Rob and Amber Funeral). Ron and Kelly arrive some time later, and talk about how they're basically through with each other. Probably not the sweet ending the producers wanted with this couple. Uchenna and Joyce interview about how much they love each other once more, and we are done. Maybe not the most skillful racers ever to win the race, but boy am I relieved.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on The Amazing Race: Ryan and Chuck fell behind and were eliminated. Too bad. They looked fun. Megan and Heidi were ditzy Olivia Newton-John clones, and lasted one more episode than I thought they would. Debbie and Bianca thought "mountains" meant "that big, wet, salty thing that fish live in". Susan and Patrick whined a lot, and so did their boat. Ray and Deana bickered their way into last place and thankfully never recovered. Brian and Greg got lost, then practically naked. Lynn and Alex drove in the wrong direction one too many times, and left to be annoying elsewhere. Meredith and Gretchen ran out of other dumbass teams prone to screwups. Three teams remain. Who will win?
London. Phil explains the whole concept of the show. Thanks, Phil, but I'm not too sure people unfamiliar with the show are going to be tuning in for the finale. He's also sure to include his usual phrase "race around the world". Let's keep that phrase in mind for about fifteen seconds, shall we? Rob and Amber are the first team to leave the mat at 2:47 AM. They receive their clue, which sends them to Kingston, Jamaica. That'd be west. So....not really a race around the world, then. Unless I missed some important news about Asia seceding. Rob and Amber head for the airport, and find a 12:40 PM flight to Kingston. Eventually, all the teams will wind up on this flight.
4:26 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat. Sweet sassafras, how long did they spend at that Roadblock last week? Wow. Since they're boring in every respect except for the one where they hate each other, we listen to Kelly interview about how Ron can't see what a quality girl she is. She's smiling through the whole thing like even she knows what a line of crap she's spewing. Ron interviews that he never had to deal with this emotional stuff in the Army. Yes, Ron, but what about all those years before the Army? He wasn't born into the POW camp, was he?
4:41 AM. Uchenna and Joyce give us the word that the teams will be receiving $630 dollars for this leg of the race. They talk about how they love each other, and head for the airport. After all the teams get their tickets, Kelly decides there couldn't be a better time to talk about her and Ron's relationship. She talks about how much she wants them to be together, but he will not be pressured into marrying her, so they essentially break up. I'm sure that the pain and awkwardness stemming from this won't have any effect on their ability to run the race, right?
Kingston, Jamaica. Everyone grabs taxis to head for a beach called Frenchman's Cove. Ron refers to Jamaica as "a third-world country". Yeah, you always hear about how people love to spend their vacations and honeymoons in third-world countries. That's why there are always so many great packages to Ethiopia. Shut up, Ron. When the teams reach the cove, they find their next clue, and it's this week's Roadblock. In this Roadblock, a member of the team must do the limbo in order to determine their departure time the next morning. The lower you go, the earlier you can leave. This is the coolest Roadblock ever! It's tough to believe that this and the suck that was the "eat four pounds of meat" Roadblock came from the same minds. All of the ladies take the Roadblock. Amber and Kelly manage to get under the lowest setting, so they will leave at 8:15 AM the next morning. Joyce can't quite get that low, so she and Uchenna will be leaving at 8:30 AM. They will be going to a place called Grants Level, which I guess is the capitol building for The Land of Shitty Punctuation. Kelly talks about how Rob and Amber always seem to be right next to them, and that she thinks they're scared. Yeah, weepy, emotional women are really difficult to compete against. I'm sure all those gold medal winners are always whining about their boyfriends in the middle of the long jump.
In the taxi on the way to Grant Should Look Into Apostrophes, Rob talks about how they've got a one in three shot of winning a million dollars, and how most people never see that amount of money. He's talking about it as if his fiancee isn't sitting on a million dollars already, and it makes me want to jab a pencil in his eye. They get to the clue box, and it's a Detour. The choices? Raft It or Build It. In Raft It, you have to float 8 miles down the river with only a pole to steer. In Build It, you have to assemble a raft, then float it across the river to a clue. This isn't a very good Detour, since 8 miles is really, really far. I'm not that great at building things, but anyone who has the skill to put together a Target bookcase could assemble this raft. Everyone picks Build It, with Kelly making Ron choose the Detour so that she can yell at him later if they have trouble. Uchenna and Joyce catch up, so everyone is madly assembling. It goes pretty much how you'd expect. Rob and Amber are really fast but make risky choices like not wearing gloves. Uchenna and Joyce work steadily and are pretty efficient. Ron and Kelly bicker and argue, and focus way too much on what everyone else is doing.
Rob snaps at Amber a little bit, then apologizes. Amber says "I'll do whatever I can to make you happy. Then after the race, you can make me happy." Naughty! At least if his mouth is busy, she won't have to listen to that accent. Ew, I just grossed myself out. Rob and Amber finish the raft, but have built an extra section into it they have to take out. Ron and Kelly finish, but one of their bamboo poles isn't in the right position. Uchenna and Joyce finish, and it's perfect. Rob and Amber finish successfully soon after. Both teams get across the river and get their clues, which sends them to Round Hill in Montego Bay, the pit stop. Ron and Kelly are left behind as the others take off. They finally finish the raft, and head out, not stopping the bickering for a second.
So now it's a three-way taxi race to the pit stop. The Bad Luck Imp giggles with delight as he throws problem after problem at them. Everyone has to stop for gas. Rob and Amber get caught at a routine security checkpoint. Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire. Everyone's stressed and upset. Rob angrily talks about how the cop may have cost him a million bucks. Yeah, so did you flapping your gums about the earlier flight to Turkey, so shut up. The flat tire put Uchenna and Joyce far behind, so Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber race for the mat, with Ron/Kelly barely edging them out. They win nothing, of course. Uchenna and Joyce finally arrive, and are told they're last, but of course this is the final non-elimination point. They're stripped of their money and possessions. Boo!
We're back for the second part. 2:37 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat and head for the town of Lucea, where they'll have to pick up a bag of onions and take them to a restaurant, then chop fifty of them. Oh, and they're still broken up. They tell the guy who calls a taxi for them not to call one for anyone else, and he basically accuses them of cheating. Ha! That was funny.
2:38 AM. Rob and Amber leave, and let us know that everyone except Uchenna and Joyce will be receiving $445 for this leg. Rob brags about how they've got the race in the bag. Fate raises her eyebrow and grins.
2:48 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. I guess ten minutes isn't too bad, but that lack of funds is troublesome. They want to go to the airport to beg, and catch a ride there after a while. Ron and Kelly have to stop for directions, so Rob and Amber are first to the onions. She very intelligently suggests picking up the lightest bag, since chopping 50 small onions is bound to take less time than 50 large ones. Both teams get to the restaurant and much chopping ensues. Uchenna and Joyce are having some trouble begging at the airport. This is just painful to watch. Rob and Amber finish their onions and take off. Ron interviews that Rob has fear in his eyes. No, that would be tears from chopping onions. He says that if Rob doesn't think he has competition, then he's an idiot. Rob is many things, and I don't like most of them, but idiot he is not. They finish and leave for the next destination, Rose Hill, which is gorgeous.
Both lead teams arrive at the clue box at the same time. Detour. Pony Up or Tee It Up. In Pony Up, you have to (really) ride a horse into the ocean. When it starts swimming you get off and hold on to its tail. Then you go around a buoy and back to shore. Nobody picks this one, which is a damn shame. In Tee It Up, you dress in dumb golf clothes and alternate hitting golf balls at a 15-foot area about 140 yards away. Yeah, that does sound significantly faster. Still, I wanted to see the horse one. Boo! Uchenna and Joyce have gotten enough money for a cab and get their onions and Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber begin. Weird symphonic music plays as their balls fly all over the place. Not so sure Beethoven was an avid golfer, there. Uchenna and Joyce chop. Rob hits the area, and he and Amber get their next clue, which sends them to a fort in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Oh, I so want to go there. Apparently, they included flight information in the clue, because Rob knows there's a flight at 9:15, and they have twenty minutes to make it. At this point, I turned to my friend and said, "Oh, they'll make it. Fucking Rob and Amber always make it."
Uchenna and Joyce? Still chopping. Kelly hits the area. As they get into their taxi, Ron beats himself up about doing a bad job with the golfing, saying he deserves a pickaxe through his skull. Ew. Kelly just grins. They're weird. Rob and Amber are at the airport and ask to get onto the flight. It's already boarding and without tickets or even standby, let alone not having been through security, they are denied. "Unbelievable!" Rob yelps as if it's all so unfair. He complains again that the ticket agents may have cost him a million bucks. Of course, their leprechaun luck kicks in again as they discover that the 8:03 flight has been delayed to 9:54, so they can get on that one. "Unbelievable!" I yell, because it's all so unfair. Ron and Kelly show up, and want that flight as well, but it's too late. They'll be on the 12:42 flight. Uchenna and Joyce finally finish chopping their onions. The taxi driver agrees to take them to Rose Hall. He must be doing this on charity at this point. Bless you, taxi driver.
And then, some quick intercuts. Rob and Amber arrive in San Juan. Uchenna and Joyce choose Tee It Up. Rob and Amber get the clue that sends them to the Aguadilla abandoned sugar mine. That so sounds like the title of a Nancy Drew book. The Abandoned Sugar Mine! She was such a snot, wasn't she? And a tease, too. I never knew what Ned Nickerson saw in her. What? Oh, the race. Fine. Ron and Kelly get on their flight to San Juan. The editing would suggest that Uchenna and Joyce hit the area with the golf ball practically right away, but that seems a bit fishy. In the taxi, we see that Joyce still has her golf clothes on. Thief! They get to the airport and get a 4:58 flight to San Juan. Not bad, considering how far behind they were. They do some additional begging. Ugh. Rob and Amber arrive at the sugar mine, and discover that it doesn't open until 7:30 AM. Yep, we all knew there'd be an equalizing point somewhere. The other two teams eventually catch up, so everyone's even again.
The next morning everyone runs in. Roadblock. Whoever takes it has to jump 30 feet into the river, then swim 90 yards to the clue. Easy! Rob and Amber run in the wrong direction. Ron and Uchenna take the Roadblock, and both give a mighty yell as they hurl themselves into the water. Rob and Amber figure out they're in the wrong place. Rob whines AGAIN about this being a million-dollar mistake. I understand you want to win, but if you're so concerned with a million dollars, why don't you sit at home and COUNT THE MILLION DOLLARS YOU ALREADY HAVE? Gah! Stop trying to make us feel bad for you. We don't. Ron and Uchenna reach the clue, which sends them to the final destination city of Miami. Once there, they have to find a clue at the Rickenbacker causeway, which has no special qualities except it's really fun to say "Rickenbacker". Amber jumps. Everyone's driving to the airport. I think the worst thing about this Roadblock would be traveling around in wet clothes. That would drive me batty. Everyone hits a toll booth (not literally, of course), and Ron picks the longest line to get into for some reason, so Rob and Amber are able to take the lead again. They see a sign, and Rob says that the helpful signs really make it easy to navigate. Which of course leads us into the scene where Kelly says "go left". Ron does, and she starts screeching about how he should have gone right. He screeches back about how she told him to go left. She yells at him about not reading the signs. He yells at her about giving him crappy directions. She, knowing that it's completely her fault but not wanting to admit it, tells him to shut up. He tells her to shut up. I sit back and grin smugly, knowing that their fight has cost them a million dollars.
Rob/Amber and Uchenna/Joyce find an 11:15 flight to Miami. There's a 10:00 one, but it is already closed. Rob and Amber buy 11:15 tickets, but then go elsewhere and bargain their way onto the 10:00 one. This show should just be titled Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong. I swear this happens every season. I'm never believing an agent again. Uchenna and Joyce also get an 11:15 ticket, but run for the 10:00 as well. Then, and I still can't believe this, the pilot (who has already pulled away from the gate) comes back and allows Uchenna and Joyce to board. Wow. WOW! Ron and Kelly, their doom now sealed, get tickets on the 11:15.
Miami. The two lead teams head for the causeway. The 11:15 flight is delayed even further to 11:40. Buh bye, Ron and Kelly. Ron and Amber hit the clue first. It sends them to Little Havana, where they have to find the King of the Havanas. What they do not know is that it is a store known by its Spanish name (El Rey de las Havanas). It's located on Calle Ocho (that would be in Spanish, so you'd think one of them would figure out the clue). They ask their cab driver where it is, but he doesn't know (THAT'S for having the guy in Peru lead you around all day). They get to Little Havana, but cannot find the store. Uchenna and Joyce get the clue. Rob and Amber ask again and get bad directions (THAT'S for Sanjay, who did all your navigating in India). Fatefully, Uchenna and Joyce's cab driver asks someone for directions in Spanish, so they get precise directions to the store. Who says foreigners ruin America? They easily find the shop, and the clue that leads them to the finish line, Bonnet House in Fort Lauderdale. Wait, I thought they said Miami was the final destination city. Is Ft. Lauderdale part of Miami? I'm so confused and ashamed. You'd think someone who spent his entire childhood playing Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego? would know this crap. Rob and Amber's driver ditches them as they search for the shop (THAT'S for Stuart in London solving all those riddles for you).
Rob finds what he thinks is the right shop, but it's a tire store. They do find their driver again, though. Uchenna and Joyce don't have enough money to pay the cab driver. They promise to make money along the way. Er...how? Rob and Amber are still lost. Uchenna and Joyce are still poor. Rob and Amber finally find the clue. Ron and Kelly arrive in Miami. Yeah, who cares? Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Bonnet House, but no money has magically materialized during the car ride. Uchenna offers a ring in exchange, but the driver doesn't accept, and is pissed, as he has every right to be. Uchenna and Joyce start hysterically begging from nearby cars. Rob and Amber are on their way to the finish line. Eek! Uchenna and Joyce finally finish paying off the cabbie, and dash towards the finish. Brian and Greg have grown really ugly '70s porn mustaches. Deana looks much better than she did on the race. Patrick is whispering "UchennaandJoyce...UchennaandJoyce" over and over. Uchenna and Joyce are approaching. Lynn and Alex are thrilled. No surprise there. There is yelling. There is screaming. And....kapow! They're on the mat.
Uchenna yowls in victory and thanks all the other teams for the support they've given. When asked about what they'll do with the money, he yells "in vitro, here we come!" which is the weirdest phrase to ever be screeched in ecstasy. After that, he gives a shout-out to adoption, which is nice. All the bases covered as far as Ways To Get A Baby Without Knocking Up Your Wife, they talk about how much they love one another. Debbie rests her head on Bianca's shoulder in a way she thinks is cute, but isn't. Oh, here come Rob and Amber. They get golf claps from the other teams. Ouch. They're good sports as they shake Uchenna and Joyce's hands. Phil talks about what a competitive race they ran. Yeah, no kidding. Rob's upset about not winning, but is happy to have Amber, and congratulates Uchenna and Joyce again. Amber says her next goal in life is to get married (catch it on CBS!) and start a family (be sure to catch that on CBS, too! I'm sure a few years down the road we'll have A Very Special Rob and Amber Thanksgiving, and after that, A Very Special Rob and Amber Funeral). Ron and Kelly arrive some time later, and talk about how they're basically through with each other. Probably not the sweet ending the producers wanted with this couple. Uchenna and Joyce interview about how much they love each other once more, and we are done. Maybe not the most skillful racers ever to win the race, but boy am I relieved.
Overall Grade: B+
Saturday, May 14, 2005
The Girl Who Is Special
America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 11
Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: Keenyah got dangerously close to adding "the Hut" onto the end of her name. Christina, the Icy Queena was eliminated and cried huge tears out of her gigantic eyes. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Cape Town. The girls discuss how difficult it was to hear criticism from the others at the last judging. Keenyah in particular is getting all up in Naima's grill. If anyone should be upset in this scenario, it's Naima (whom Keenyah chose as having the least model potential) rather than Keenyah (whom nobody chose as having the least potential, and in fact was chosen by Brittany and Kahlen as having the most potential). Why is she getting all emotional about this? Whatever. We'll call this moment Brash, Irrational, Thoughtless, Crazy Harridan (BITCH) moment #1 for Keenyah. As Keenyah babbles on, Brittany tries to interject something. Keenyah screams at her, asking to finish her sentence (BITCH #2). The cracks in the Keenyah Brittany Friendship Club start to widen as Brittany tells Keenyah she's being totally rude. In an interview, Kahlen talks about what a raging narcissist Keenyah is. Wow, we're off to a sunny start.
Tyra Mail. It says something about "taking the right steps", and Keenyah thinks that it's a completely obvious reference to a runway challenge. Does she ever get tired of being wrong? Kahlen is picking at a chocolate muffin as they discuss the challenge, and Keenyah trails off in the middle of her sentence to stare at it, then ask Kahlen for a bite. Kahlen interviews about how the judges constantly criticize Keenyah for gaining weight, but she keeps on eating. In a completely awesome moment, Kahlen says "I really don't see that much progress......at all." Heh. It was that beat before "at all" that made it so hilarious. The next morning, as the girls get ready to leave for the challenge, Keenyah asks Brittany if it's all right that she borrowed some clothing. Brittany says that it's fine. Then, and I'm still not sure where this came from, Keenyah wheedles, "Because I'm special, right? Say it." Brittany looks at her as if she had waffles growing out of her nose, and says "Because you're special." Keenyah is pleased. Seriously, the hell?
The girls meet two gentlemen named Bebe and Mandela, who run an urban clothing shop. They seem like nice guys, but they talk about infusing South African heritage into their clothes for way too long. Get to the damn challenge! Bebe and Mandela drive the girls to the community center. To get there, they pass by a sort of shantytown. The housing is awful, and the people there live in abject poverty. OK, I feel as bad as the next guy about these sorts of conditions. Obviously, it's no way for a person to live. However, this is such blatant manipulation on the part of the show that I feel more angry than saddened. Why didn't the girls just go to the community center from the hotel? Because then they wouldn't have been exposed to poor people, and we wouldn't have gotten the "drama" of their reactions. Sigh.
When they get to the community center, they meet the woman who runs the place, Jackie. Jackie tells them that they will be learning about South African rhythm and dance, and that their challenge will be to perform the dance they've learned for an audience. Brittany interviews about what a completely terrible dancer she is. Point to Brittany for self-awareness on that one. Keenyah brags about simple the challenge will be for her because she's black (BITCH #3). Yes, Keenyah. And I'd be super-great at ballet because my ancestors are from Russia. Does she even listen to herself? Not as confident is Kahlen, who knows just how white bread she is, and doesn't want to humiliate herself in front of a crowd. Yeah, this would be a tough challenge. Dancing badly for a crowd is one thing. Making a mess of the crowd's heritage through dance is another. Miss Jay shows up to help judge the challenge, and the crowd starts filtering in. Oof. That's a big audience. Kahlen freaks out as we go into commercial.
We're back. The show helpfully reminds us what's going on by giving a taupe-filtered flashback. Um, the audience saw this 2 minutes ago. I know Americans have short attention spans, but give us a little credit. The dancing begins. Brittany sucks. The crowd shifts uncomfortably in their seats as she writhes around. Kahlen is up, and though she's definitely not great, she's doing a lot better than she thought she would. Keenyah brags about being black again, some more. We get it, Keenyah! You and Harriet Tubman are best friends! God. She acquits herself pretty well at the dancing. Naima likes dancing because she feels it's a way to communicate without words. She's very lithe and graceful. We cut to a shot of Miss Jay in the audience, and jeepers, he's got the perfect set of legs. For a woman. After the challenge, he gauges audience reaction to determine the winner. Audience, schmaudience. You don't need these people to know that Naima blew everyone else out of the water. Indeed, she is the winner, and her prize will be an extra 30 frames at the photo shoot. Jay asks her to pick a girl who will get an extra 20 frames. Instead of choosing her friend Kahlen, she chooses Keenyah. She interviews that Kahlen always takes wonderful pictures, and that in the interest of competition, she'd rather that fat, ugly Keenyah gets some extra shots because she won't be much of an opponent for Naima. Well, not in those words, but that's the gist. Smart idea. Kahlen is shocked. Keenyah is asked to pick a girl to receive 10 extra frames, and she chooses Brittany because Keenyah is about 1/8 as intelligent as Naima. She chose Brittany because they're friends without even stopping to think that giving more photos to the girl who consistently looks fantastic is a bad idea. Kahlen will be receiving no extra frames. She cries in an interview, wondering if this is an attack on her. I hope Naima explained later.
The girls then go to Robbene Island, which used to be a political prison, and meet a guide named Modise. Hee. There's a sign on the front of the prison that reads "We Serve With Pride". With all due respect to the people who suffered within its walls, that is really funny. Modise explains what Nelson Mandela did for South Africa and describes the time he spent in prison. Keenyah, steeped in her cultural roots, asks if Nelson Mandela is still alive or not. Oy. Brittany interviews how Keenyah keeps lording her ancestry over the other girls (yes, even Naima. I'll get to that in a bit), and she doesn't even know if Mandela is alive. She thinks Keenyah is a phony. I never thought I'd say it, but Brittany is totally right. Smart girl. Modise asks who wants to open Mandela's cell. Naima reaches her hand out for the key. It's worth noting that Keenyah is hanging out in the background, saying and doing nothing. However, she interviews that she wanted to be the one to open the cell because...sing it if you know it...she's black(BITCH #4). She talks about how she doesn't consider Naima to be black, or she's more black than Naima, or something along those lines. I'm too blind with rage to really listen.
OK, here we go. 1) Naima can identify as black if she wants to. Both of her parents are of mixed race, but she considers herself black, and it's her business to do so. 2) Race isn't a contest. You don't "win" the "blackness" award by having darker skin. 3) Being black doesn't necessarily make African culture and politics mean more to you. Keenyah spends her time thinking about lip gloss, not apartheid. 4) Plus, it's pretty demonstrable that Keenyah couldn't give a rat's ass about Africa, given that she doesn't know if one of its most important and influential leaders is still alive or not. 5) Way to make a solemn moment about freedom and persecution all about how left out you feel. That's not petty at all. 6) And she didn't even ask to open the cell. Naima did. I think Keenyah believes that naturally, they'd hand the key over to her without a second thought.
In other words, Keenyah is a stupid racist, and also...BITCH #5-10. Brittany interviews about how upset Keenyah was, but thinks it's mostly for show and to get attention. Wow, Brittany is really insightful tonight. I'm starting to feel bad for calling her stupid these past few weeks. What an ugly scene. And not even close to being about modeling. Let's leave the civics lesson to other shows, Tyra.
The next day, it's time for the photo shoot. Orange Jay explains that they'll be doing a shoot for body wash, and they'll be made up like 1940s aristocrats on safari. That's a neat idea. He explains that they'll not just be posing, but dancing for the camera as well. Not only that, but they'll be flanked by three shirtless guys, Lee-Roy, Bertini, and Mark. I have total dibs on Mark. As the girls get ready, the guys invite them to hang out later that night. They're thrilled. Bertini seems particularly taken with Keenyah. There's more talk about Keenyah's weight issue. They even go as far as to show Keenyah at week #1 and Keenyah today. There's a definite difference, though it doesn't look like she's gained that much to me. Brittany says that Keenyah "hasn't been paying attention to a lot of the things she's been putting in her mouth." The same could be said about you, Brittany.
The photo shoot begins. Although Jay said there'd be dancing involved, it's mostly just wiggling around in place. Q is there again, and I should apologize for saying last week that she sucks at her job, because every one of the girls looks completely gorgeous this week. Naima's first. Her elbow is back, and her leg is thrust forward, and she looks amazing. She uses her extra 30 frames to go a little wild with the poses, which is exactly the right thing to do. Keenyah. She can't quite get into the "dancing" which makes her look bad, and her pose is kind of limp and uninteresting. Her face, hair, and outfit look really great, though. I think she owes this shot to the crew. As she's posing, Bertini is moaning and grinding on her very inappropriately. Keenyah becomes uncomfortable and can't concentrate. She actually calls a halt to the shoot, but can't just say what the problem is directly. Jay kind of blows her off, which seems cold, but I really don't think he knew what was going on. When the shots start again, Bertini keeps slithering all over Keenyah, and this time Jay notices. He gently tells Bertini to back off, and he gets a point for that. Keenyah proceeds to drain any sympathy I had for her by saying that if her shot comes out poorly, she'll know it wasn't because of her, but Bertini. She's more pleased about having someone to blame for a bad shot than she is with a good shot (BITCH #11). Brittany. She can't really get into the "dancing", so she has a bit more trouble than usual. Still, she's an excellent poser, and the photo comes out marvelous.
Kahlen. She's nervous about dancing with boys surrounding her, and she is far too old to be pulling this junior high crap. She winds up looking great, but really needs to model with more self-confidence. You made it on a show called America's Next Top Model, Kahlen. You're not a dog. That night the girls go out to meet the guys. Keenyah seems genuinely surprised that Bertini is there. Did Keenyah eat a lot of paint chips as a child or something? Instead of ignoring him like a civilized person would do, Keenyah launches into this big attack in front of everyone in the restaurant, but smiles through the whole thing so that she can later claim that she wasn't really serious (BITCH #12). Not only that, but when it comes time to pay the bill, Keenyah doesn't want to throw in (BITCH #13). I'm running out of ways to insult her. She is just the pits. Brittany and Keenyah fight over the bill, and Stealth Funny Kahlen pops up again to mutter "little awkward".
On the car ride back to the hotel, the fight really breaks out. Brittany calls Keenyah out on, well, pretty much everything. Keenyah tries to keep it light, but Brittany brings up the awful way that Keenyah has treated Naima, the tantrum over the cell-opening, the not knowing if Mandela is alive or not, and how selfish she's being in general. Naima interviews that she was thanking God that she got the opportunity to open the cell, because obviously these other girls don't hold it in as high esteem. Back in the car, Keenyah and Brittany are still screeching at each other. Back at the hotel, the fight continues. They're still fighting about the same things, and Keenyah is shrieking in Naima's face (BITCH #14), because she can't even look at Brittany. Good for Brittany for taking Keenyah to task on this shit. Kahlen is crying out on the balcony, because it upsets her when people fight. I don't like it either, Kahlen, but since the fight has nothing to do with you, I don't get the tears. She's too emotional. Keenyah interviews that this is a new side of Brittany she's never seen before. The side that doesn't let you get away with acting like a complete cunt? Yeah, I said it. Keenyah finds some Tyra Mail and reads it out to herself, because nobody wants to be in the same room with her.
Judging. Janice is made up much like the girls were earlier, and looks awesome. Nigel always looks awesome. Nole is ugly and stupid, as always. Tyra is Tyra. The guest judges this week are Bebe and Mandela. Ummm....why? The only thing they did was drive the girls from their crap clothing shop to the dancing challenge. Ugh, whatever. I've had it with this episode. Heh, it would have been sweet if Bertini was one of the judges. The final challenge is kind of a Red Light/Green Light game in which the girls have to dance and then pose when Tyra yells stop. They dance. Keenyah steps out in front of the others, mostly I think just to have some room to maneuver. Kahlen sucks. After they do a few poses, the judges join them in dancing. Nigel needs to call me. Time for the actual judging. They tell the girls that they will be showing the worst shot in addition to the best. Brittany's up first. The judges didn't like her dancing, but love the photo. Her bad photo isn't good, but I don't think it's too horrible either. Keenyah. Everyone loved her dancing, and loved the fact that she stepped out in front. I really don't think that was an attitude thing, judges. She just didn't want to be banging elbows with everyone else. Her photo isn't terrific, and she of course blames it all on Bertini (BITCH #15). The judges don't cut her a lot of slack on this, and on first viewing I felt bad for Keenyah. She shouldn't have to shoulder the blame for someone else's inappropriate behavior. On the other hand, Bertini did back off after Jay told him to, so she really has no excuse for not getting a good photo. Plus, I hate her. Kahlen can't dance her way out of a wet paper bag. The judges don't like her photo as much as I do. Come on, judges! She looks awesome! Naima. The judges tell her she's a good dancer, but too shy. They think her photo is fabulous, and even her bad shot is good.
The judges deliberate. Kahlen wasn't great this week, but is very versatile. They think all the personality has been drained out of Brittany, which is really unfair since they are the ones that told her to tone it down in the first place. Shut up, judges. Naima has personality problems too. Sigh. The worst thing they can come up with to say about Keenyah is that she's pudgy, because they haven't yet seen the footage of the rest of the episode. They bring the girls back in. Keenyah is safe, and I projectile vomit. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Naima please step forward. Brittany, you did exactly what the judges asked you to do and are being punished for it. Naima, you don't yell and scream for the cameras, and are being punished for it. Blah, blah, blah. Naima's safe, and Brittany is cut. Fucking bullshit. She cries and hugs the other girls, whispering "I love you" to Naima. She can't believe it's ending. Me either, Brittany. She says she'll miss Keenyah. Er...all right. She's proud of herself for getting so far, and you know what? Me too. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls do a commercial for Cover Girl, and have their final competition in a Cape Town fashion show. One of them will be crowned the winner, and if it's Keenyah, someone's getting shredded. What a crap episode.
Overall Grade: D+
Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: Keenyah got dangerously close to adding "the Hut" onto the end of her name. Christina, the Icy Queena was eliminated and cried huge tears out of her gigantic eyes. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Cape Town. The girls discuss how difficult it was to hear criticism from the others at the last judging. Keenyah in particular is getting all up in Naima's grill. If anyone should be upset in this scenario, it's Naima (whom Keenyah chose as having the least model potential) rather than Keenyah (whom nobody chose as having the least potential, and in fact was chosen by Brittany and Kahlen as having the most potential). Why is she getting all emotional about this? Whatever. We'll call this moment Brash, Irrational, Thoughtless, Crazy Harridan (BITCH) moment #1 for Keenyah. As Keenyah babbles on, Brittany tries to interject something. Keenyah screams at her, asking to finish her sentence (BITCH #2). The cracks in the Keenyah Brittany Friendship Club start to widen as Brittany tells Keenyah she's being totally rude. In an interview, Kahlen talks about what a raging narcissist Keenyah is. Wow, we're off to a sunny start.
Tyra Mail. It says something about "taking the right steps", and Keenyah thinks that it's a completely obvious reference to a runway challenge. Does she ever get tired of being wrong? Kahlen is picking at a chocolate muffin as they discuss the challenge, and Keenyah trails off in the middle of her sentence to stare at it, then ask Kahlen for a bite. Kahlen interviews about how the judges constantly criticize Keenyah for gaining weight, but she keeps on eating. In a completely awesome moment, Kahlen says "I really don't see that much progress......at all." Heh. It was that beat before "at all" that made it so hilarious. The next morning, as the girls get ready to leave for the challenge, Keenyah asks Brittany if it's all right that she borrowed some clothing. Brittany says that it's fine. Then, and I'm still not sure where this came from, Keenyah wheedles, "Because I'm special, right? Say it." Brittany looks at her as if she had waffles growing out of her nose, and says "Because you're special." Keenyah is pleased. Seriously, the hell?
The girls meet two gentlemen named Bebe and Mandela, who run an urban clothing shop. They seem like nice guys, but they talk about infusing South African heritage into their clothes for way too long. Get to the damn challenge! Bebe and Mandela drive the girls to the community center. To get there, they pass by a sort of shantytown. The housing is awful, and the people there live in abject poverty. OK, I feel as bad as the next guy about these sorts of conditions. Obviously, it's no way for a person to live. However, this is such blatant manipulation on the part of the show that I feel more angry than saddened. Why didn't the girls just go to the community center from the hotel? Because then they wouldn't have been exposed to poor people, and we wouldn't have gotten the "drama" of their reactions. Sigh.
When they get to the community center, they meet the woman who runs the place, Jackie. Jackie tells them that they will be learning about South African rhythm and dance, and that their challenge will be to perform the dance they've learned for an audience. Brittany interviews about what a completely terrible dancer she is. Point to Brittany for self-awareness on that one. Keenyah brags about simple the challenge will be for her because she's black (BITCH #3). Yes, Keenyah. And I'd be super-great at ballet because my ancestors are from Russia. Does she even listen to herself? Not as confident is Kahlen, who knows just how white bread she is, and doesn't want to humiliate herself in front of a crowd. Yeah, this would be a tough challenge. Dancing badly for a crowd is one thing. Making a mess of the crowd's heritage through dance is another. Miss Jay shows up to help judge the challenge, and the crowd starts filtering in. Oof. That's a big audience. Kahlen freaks out as we go into commercial.
We're back. The show helpfully reminds us what's going on by giving a taupe-filtered flashback. Um, the audience saw this 2 minutes ago. I know Americans have short attention spans, but give us a little credit. The dancing begins. Brittany sucks. The crowd shifts uncomfortably in their seats as she writhes around. Kahlen is up, and though she's definitely not great, she's doing a lot better than she thought she would. Keenyah brags about being black again, some more. We get it, Keenyah! You and Harriet Tubman are best friends! God. She acquits herself pretty well at the dancing. Naima likes dancing because she feels it's a way to communicate without words. She's very lithe and graceful. We cut to a shot of Miss Jay in the audience, and jeepers, he's got the perfect set of legs. For a woman. After the challenge, he gauges audience reaction to determine the winner. Audience, schmaudience. You don't need these people to know that Naima blew everyone else out of the water. Indeed, she is the winner, and her prize will be an extra 30 frames at the photo shoot. Jay asks her to pick a girl who will get an extra 20 frames. Instead of choosing her friend Kahlen, she chooses Keenyah. She interviews that Kahlen always takes wonderful pictures, and that in the interest of competition, she'd rather that fat, ugly Keenyah gets some extra shots because she won't be much of an opponent for Naima. Well, not in those words, but that's the gist. Smart idea. Kahlen is shocked. Keenyah is asked to pick a girl to receive 10 extra frames, and she chooses Brittany because Keenyah is about 1/8 as intelligent as Naima. She chose Brittany because they're friends without even stopping to think that giving more photos to the girl who consistently looks fantastic is a bad idea. Kahlen will be receiving no extra frames. She cries in an interview, wondering if this is an attack on her. I hope Naima explained later.
The girls then go to Robbene Island, which used to be a political prison, and meet a guide named Modise. Hee. There's a sign on the front of the prison that reads "We Serve With Pride". With all due respect to the people who suffered within its walls, that is really funny. Modise explains what Nelson Mandela did for South Africa and describes the time he spent in prison. Keenyah, steeped in her cultural roots, asks if Nelson Mandela is still alive or not. Oy. Brittany interviews how Keenyah keeps lording her ancestry over the other girls (yes, even Naima. I'll get to that in a bit), and she doesn't even know if Mandela is alive. She thinks Keenyah is a phony. I never thought I'd say it, but Brittany is totally right. Smart girl. Modise asks who wants to open Mandela's cell. Naima reaches her hand out for the key. It's worth noting that Keenyah is hanging out in the background, saying and doing nothing. However, she interviews that she wanted to be the one to open the cell because...sing it if you know it...she's black(BITCH #4). She talks about how she doesn't consider Naima to be black, or she's more black than Naima, or something along those lines. I'm too blind with rage to really listen.
OK, here we go. 1) Naima can identify as black if she wants to. Both of her parents are of mixed race, but she considers herself black, and it's her business to do so. 2) Race isn't a contest. You don't "win" the "blackness" award by having darker skin. 3) Being black doesn't necessarily make African culture and politics mean more to you. Keenyah spends her time thinking about lip gloss, not apartheid. 4) Plus, it's pretty demonstrable that Keenyah couldn't give a rat's ass about Africa, given that she doesn't know if one of its most important and influential leaders is still alive or not. 5) Way to make a solemn moment about freedom and persecution all about how left out you feel. That's not petty at all. 6) And she didn't even ask to open the cell. Naima did. I think Keenyah believes that naturally, they'd hand the key over to her without a second thought.
In other words, Keenyah is a stupid racist, and also...BITCH #5-10. Brittany interviews about how upset Keenyah was, but thinks it's mostly for show and to get attention. Wow, Brittany is really insightful tonight. I'm starting to feel bad for calling her stupid these past few weeks. What an ugly scene. And not even close to being about modeling. Let's leave the civics lesson to other shows, Tyra.
The next day, it's time for the photo shoot. Orange Jay explains that they'll be doing a shoot for body wash, and they'll be made up like 1940s aristocrats on safari. That's a neat idea. He explains that they'll not just be posing, but dancing for the camera as well. Not only that, but they'll be flanked by three shirtless guys, Lee-Roy, Bertini, and Mark. I have total dibs on Mark. As the girls get ready, the guys invite them to hang out later that night. They're thrilled. Bertini seems particularly taken with Keenyah. There's more talk about Keenyah's weight issue. They even go as far as to show Keenyah at week #1 and Keenyah today. There's a definite difference, though it doesn't look like she's gained that much to me. Brittany says that Keenyah "hasn't been paying attention to a lot of the things she's been putting in her mouth." The same could be said about you, Brittany.
The photo shoot begins. Although Jay said there'd be dancing involved, it's mostly just wiggling around in place. Q is there again, and I should apologize for saying last week that she sucks at her job, because every one of the girls looks completely gorgeous this week. Naima's first. Her elbow is back, and her leg is thrust forward, and she looks amazing. She uses her extra 30 frames to go a little wild with the poses, which is exactly the right thing to do. Keenyah. She can't quite get into the "dancing" which makes her look bad, and her pose is kind of limp and uninteresting. Her face, hair, and outfit look really great, though. I think she owes this shot to the crew. As she's posing, Bertini is moaning and grinding on her very inappropriately. Keenyah becomes uncomfortable and can't concentrate. She actually calls a halt to the shoot, but can't just say what the problem is directly. Jay kind of blows her off, which seems cold, but I really don't think he knew what was going on. When the shots start again, Bertini keeps slithering all over Keenyah, and this time Jay notices. He gently tells Bertini to back off, and he gets a point for that. Keenyah proceeds to drain any sympathy I had for her by saying that if her shot comes out poorly, she'll know it wasn't because of her, but Bertini. She's more pleased about having someone to blame for a bad shot than she is with a good shot (BITCH #11). Brittany. She can't really get into the "dancing", so she has a bit more trouble than usual. Still, she's an excellent poser, and the photo comes out marvelous.
Kahlen. She's nervous about dancing with boys surrounding her, and she is far too old to be pulling this junior high crap. She winds up looking great, but really needs to model with more self-confidence. You made it on a show called America's Next Top Model, Kahlen. You're not a dog. That night the girls go out to meet the guys. Keenyah seems genuinely surprised that Bertini is there. Did Keenyah eat a lot of paint chips as a child or something? Instead of ignoring him like a civilized person would do, Keenyah launches into this big attack in front of everyone in the restaurant, but smiles through the whole thing so that she can later claim that she wasn't really serious (BITCH #12). Not only that, but when it comes time to pay the bill, Keenyah doesn't want to throw in (BITCH #13). I'm running out of ways to insult her. She is just the pits. Brittany and Keenyah fight over the bill, and Stealth Funny Kahlen pops up again to mutter "little awkward".
On the car ride back to the hotel, the fight really breaks out. Brittany calls Keenyah out on, well, pretty much everything. Keenyah tries to keep it light, but Brittany brings up the awful way that Keenyah has treated Naima, the tantrum over the cell-opening, the not knowing if Mandela is alive or not, and how selfish she's being in general. Naima interviews that she was thanking God that she got the opportunity to open the cell, because obviously these other girls don't hold it in as high esteem. Back in the car, Keenyah and Brittany are still screeching at each other. Back at the hotel, the fight continues. They're still fighting about the same things, and Keenyah is shrieking in Naima's face (BITCH #14), because she can't even look at Brittany. Good for Brittany for taking Keenyah to task on this shit. Kahlen is crying out on the balcony, because it upsets her when people fight. I don't like it either, Kahlen, but since the fight has nothing to do with you, I don't get the tears. She's too emotional. Keenyah interviews that this is a new side of Brittany she's never seen before. The side that doesn't let you get away with acting like a complete cunt? Yeah, I said it. Keenyah finds some Tyra Mail and reads it out to herself, because nobody wants to be in the same room with her.
Judging. Janice is made up much like the girls were earlier, and looks awesome. Nigel always looks awesome. Nole is ugly and stupid, as always. Tyra is Tyra. The guest judges this week are Bebe and Mandela. Ummm....why? The only thing they did was drive the girls from their crap clothing shop to the dancing challenge. Ugh, whatever. I've had it with this episode. Heh, it would have been sweet if Bertini was one of the judges. The final challenge is kind of a Red Light/Green Light game in which the girls have to dance and then pose when Tyra yells stop. They dance. Keenyah steps out in front of the others, mostly I think just to have some room to maneuver. Kahlen sucks. After they do a few poses, the judges join them in dancing. Nigel needs to call me. Time for the actual judging. They tell the girls that they will be showing the worst shot in addition to the best. Brittany's up first. The judges didn't like her dancing, but love the photo. Her bad photo isn't good, but I don't think it's too horrible either. Keenyah. Everyone loved her dancing, and loved the fact that she stepped out in front. I really don't think that was an attitude thing, judges. She just didn't want to be banging elbows with everyone else. Her photo isn't terrific, and she of course blames it all on Bertini (BITCH #15). The judges don't cut her a lot of slack on this, and on first viewing I felt bad for Keenyah. She shouldn't have to shoulder the blame for someone else's inappropriate behavior. On the other hand, Bertini did back off after Jay told him to, so she really has no excuse for not getting a good photo. Plus, I hate her. Kahlen can't dance her way out of a wet paper bag. The judges don't like her photo as much as I do. Come on, judges! She looks awesome! Naima. The judges tell her she's a good dancer, but too shy. They think her photo is fabulous, and even her bad shot is good.
The judges deliberate. Kahlen wasn't great this week, but is very versatile. They think all the personality has been drained out of Brittany, which is really unfair since they are the ones that told her to tone it down in the first place. Shut up, judges. Naima has personality problems too. Sigh. The worst thing they can come up with to say about Keenyah is that she's pudgy, because they haven't yet seen the footage of the rest of the episode. They bring the girls back in. Keenyah is safe, and I projectile vomit. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Naima please step forward. Brittany, you did exactly what the judges asked you to do and are being punished for it. Naima, you don't yell and scream for the cameras, and are being punished for it. Blah, blah, blah. Naima's safe, and Brittany is cut. Fucking bullshit. She cries and hugs the other girls, whispering "I love you" to Naima. She can't believe it's ending. Me either, Brittany. She says she'll miss Keenyah. Er...all right. She's proud of herself for getting so far, and you know what? Me too. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls do a commercial for Cover Girl, and have their final competition in a Cape Town fashion show. One of them will be crowned the winner, and if it's Keenyah, someone's getting shredded. What a crap episode.
Overall Grade: D+
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
The Girl Who Wants It So Bad
America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Nothing, because this show didn't exist. I got to borrow the Cycle 1 DVD set from my very generous friend Rood, and finally had the chance to break it out last night. Ah, the heady experience of watching catty bitches backstab each other for the first time. Nothing quite like it.
Ew. The opening credits have a superfluous apostrophe. The opening credits and I can never be friends. We're in Los Angeles, as 20 semi-finalists arrive at a hotel for their final audition. Why is the doorman's face blurred? I find it hard to believe they couldn't have gotten a signed release from him. Maybe he didn't want to be associated with such a trashy show. Loser. Tyra explains that only 10 of these women will move on to be finalists. We meet a few of the girls. Katie is claiming to be 21 years old. Katie is either a huge liar, or she's been rode hard and put away wet. Kesse has strange, disturbing lips. Elyse is really pretty and is rocking the short hair that a lot of other women try to pull off and cannot.
The judges interview each of the model wannabes. OK, twenty women. That's a lot. Let's zoom through them. The aforementioned Pretty Elyse is in medical school, but wants to try modeling before she's too old and crusty. Ebony is a bald lesbian. Katie says that a lot of people don't try to get to know her. For example, she loves animals! Wow, I can't imagine why more people aren't fascinated with her. April wants to be a model because she loves having her hair done. Karen likes makeup. Natalie comes from a broken home and wants to be a success story that her 23,000 siblings can look up to. Shannon is the blandest bland that ever blanded a bland, and is a Jesus-freak. Justine is a snotty bitch. Kesse refers to herself as a diva, which she is not cool enough to do. Adrianne is pretty, but her voice drives me crazy. She sounds functionally retarded. Then, a quick succession of girls we know have no chance: Shawna claims to be "on another level". Yeah, the cocaine-addict one. Christina says that her hair stands out, which, not. Nicole has flaming red hair, and says "I'm in law school." Wave goodbye to Nicole, because that is the one line she is allowed on TV for the rest of the episode, the series, and her life. Jakai loves her body. Glad to hear it. Back to the women who are allowed some screen time. Another Nicole. She's got kind of stringy, blond hair and feels that she can be a supermodel because she wants it so, so bad. OK, then. I want rock hard abs so, so bad. Hey, it's not working! Robin has a bubbly personality and an extremely ugly leather dress.
The girls wait to hear the results. Justine smokes out on the balcony by herself and calls everyone else annoying. Then she wonders why she has no friends. Tyra comes in and announces that they wanted to choose ten girls, but could only agree on eight. Ooooh, burn! And the girls who will be invited to New York are: Bland Nicole (They just say Nicole. How awesome would it have been if both of them had gotten excited and then Tyra explained to the red-haired one that whoops, she didn't mean her). Robin. Kesse. Elyse. Katie (Of course. Boo! They should have taken Jakai). Ebony. Adrianne. Shannon. And that's it! The losers talk about how they wish they weren't losers. I smile smugly as Justine whines and disappears off of my screen forever. Natalie is sad that her 23,001 siblings (another one was born as I was typing this) won't get to see her model.
New York. The girls explore their penthouse. The rooms are modeled after different fashion centers of the world. Tokyo! Milan! Paris! Miami! Wuh? I'm sorry, but Miami does not scream fashion to me. Plus, it's the ugliest room in the penthouse. Robin calls it "ironic" that she winds up rooming with Kesse and Shannon, the household's other two committed Christians. That is not ironic. That is not even coincidental, considering people chose their roommates. She couldn't be further from the correct definition if she tried. Why, it's almost ironic. Elyse interviews that she got the room she wanted, and has no interest in spending her time quietly reading the Bible. Preach it, Elyse. No pun intended. Sometime later, Tyra appears and springs the news that they're going to have ten competitors after all. She brings in two more girls: Tessa and Giselle. Nobody is happy to see them.
Tessa and Adrianne smoke out in the hallway. Robin appears and complains that the smell is getting into everything. We're supposed to think that Robin is a huge bitch for getting all up in arms, but seriously. They're in the penthouse. Smoke on the damn balcony. As a final treat for the evening, a personal trainer shows up to weigh the girls and announce their weights to the entire room, and then everyone gets a bikini wax. Fun! They receive another piece of Tyra mail that tells them to be ready at 7:45 sharp the next morning. Flash forward to daybreak. Ebony, along with the Christian Coven of Shannon, Kesse, and Robin choose to disregard the instruction to be on time, because they're dumb. What's taking Ebony so long to get ready? She's bald. The other three don't need to be on time because they love Jesus, and he loves them. Why bother showing consideration for anyone else? They miss the car to the photo shoot, and have to take a taxi. Tyra yells at them when they get there.
The photo shoot today will be swimwear. Outside. In the middle of winter. Oh, dear. Everyone's cold and miserable. The photographer is Douglas Bizzaro, and bizarro is right. Let the photo shoot begin! Katie's a big whore who's posing like she's in Hustler. Ebony has gorgeous cheekbones. Shannon says she can do anything because Christ strengthens her. I'm happy that she's so pleased with her spirituality, but posing in a bikini in cold weather isn't really about your faith in God. Like, at all. Tessa looks awful. Kesse takes to the posing very naturally. Elyse is really thin. No, really thin. For-seven-cents-a-day-you-can-make-sure-this-child-gets-all-the-supplies-she-needs thin. She tries to concentrate on the challenge, but the wind and cold reduce her to tears in no time. Have a bagel, sweetie. Giselle smarms about how she didn't complain when it was her turn to pose. Easy to say when you've got a more, shall we say, insulated body, isn't it Giselle? Bizarro and his assistant give critiques about each of the girls, which are very articulate and well-founded. It's so refreshing for there to be no sign of Orange Jay and his nonsensical babbling and scary teeth.
That night, at dinner, Elyse is outed as an atheist, and you can imagine how that sits with the Christian Coven. Elyse very calmly states that just because she doesn't believe in God doesn't mean she doesn't have ethics or morals. Seriously, I like Elyse so much.
Judging. These new (by which of course I mean old) judges scare and confuse me. It's nice to see Crazy Janice still in place, but where's Nigel? I want Nigel! Anyway, the judges are dull except for Janice and guest judge Douglas Bizarro, so I'll deal with them another day. The girls line up to see their best shot. Katie tries too hard. She's giving this faux-smoldering look into the camera and hooking her thumb into the waist of her bikini, which looks stupid. Kesse looks really, really good. Robin's shot comes out looking much better than I thought it would. Elyse is thin and miserable and it shows. Shannon looks terrible. I guess Christ's love wasn't enough to save this picture. Ebony's pose is not great, but her face is very striking. Tessa's bent over and looks silly, but since the pose wasn't her idea, I can't pin all the blame on her. Nicole, Giselle, and Adrianne's photos are all so boring that I can't even remember them.
The judges deliberate. Adrianne's feet are too big. Katie's got a lot to learn. Kesse is beautiful, and everyone loves her. We get our first glimmer of Janice's disdain of heavier women as she tears Robin to shreds. That's unfair. If you don't want to include a plus-size model in a competition like this, that's fine, but don't purposely cast one to show what "most women are like" and then criticize her for being the very body-type you wanted. There's nothing wrong with Robin having some meat on her bones. There is something wrong with Robin being a hypocritical, judgmental bitch, but I feel like she got a lot of unjust remarks from the panel. There are ten girls, but only nine photos. Whoa, that's way too many to count down, so we'll just cut to the chase. Tessa's ugly, and she's out. Sounds good to me.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: The models compete in a runway challenge. Ebony and Elyse hate all their roommates. I can't imagine what possible problems a lesbian and an atheist would have in a household with the Christian Coven.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Nothing, because this show didn't exist. I got to borrow the Cycle 1 DVD set from my very generous friend Rood, and finally had the chance to break it out last night. Ah, the heady experience of watching catty bitches backstab each other for the first time. Nothing quite like it.
Ew. The opening credits have a superfluous apostrophe. The opening credits and I can never be friends. We're in Los Angeles, as 20 semi-finalists arrive at a hotel for their final audition. Why is the doorman's face blurred? I find it hard to believe they couldn't have gotten a signed release from him. Maybe he didn't want to be associated with such a trashy show. Loser. Tyra explains that only 10 of these women will move on to be finalists. We meet a few of the girls. Katie is claiming to be 21 years old. Katie is either a huge liar, or she's been rode hard and put away wet. Kesse has strange, disturbing lips. Elyse is really pretty and is rocking the short hair that a lot of other women try to pull off and cannot.
The judges interview each of the model wannabes. OK, twenty women. That's a lot. Let's zoom through them. The aforementioned Pretty Elyse is in medical school, but wants to try modeling before she's too old and crusty. Ebony is a bald lesbian. Katie says that a lot of people don't try to get to know her. For example, she loves animals! Wow, I can't imagine why more people aren't fascinated with her. April wants to be a model because she loves having her hair done. Karen likes makeup. Natalie comes from a broken home and wants to be a success story that her 23,000 siblings can look up to. Shannon is the blandest bland that ever blanded a bland, and is a Jesus-freak. Justine is a snotty bitch. Kesse refers to herself as a diva, which she is not cool enough to do. Adrianne is pretty, but her voice drives me crazy. She sounds functionally retarded. Then, a quick succession of girls we know have no chance: Shawna claims to be "on another level". Yeah, the cocaine-addict one. Christina says that her hair stands out, which, not. Nicole has flaming red hair, and says "I'm in law school." Wave goodbye to Nicole, because that is the one line she is allowed on TV for the rest of the episode, the series, and her life. Jakai loves her body. Glad to hear it. Back to the women who are allowed some screen time. Another Nicole. She's got kind of stringy, blond hair and feels that she can be a supermodel because she wants it so, so bad. OK, then. I want rock hard abs so, so bad. Hey, it's not working! Robin has a bubbly personality and an extremely ugly leather dress.
The girls wait to hear the results. Justine smokes out on the balcony by herself and calls everyone else annoying. Then she wonders why she has no friends. Tyra comes in and announces that they wanted to choose ten girls, but could only agree on eight. Ooooh, burn! And the girls who will be invited to New York are: Bland Nicole (They just say Nicole. How awesome would it have been if both of them had gotten excited and then Tyra explained to the red-haired one that whoops, she didn't mean her). Robin. Kesse. Elyse. Katie (Of course. Boo! They should have taken Jakai). Ebony. Adrianne. Shannon. And that's it! The losers talk about how they wish they weren't losers. I smile smugly as Justine whines and disappears off of my screen forever. Natalie is sad that her 23,001 siblings (another one was born as I was typing this) won't get to see her model.
New York. The girls explore their penthouse. The rooms are modeled after different fashion centers of the world. Tokyo! Milan! Paris! Miami! Wuh? I'm sorry, but Miami does not scream fashion to me. Plus, it's the ugliest room in the penthouse. Robin calls it "ironic" that she winds up rooming with Kesse and Shannon, the household's other two committed Christians. That is not ironic. That is not even coincidental, considering people chose their roommates. She couldn't be further from the correct definition if she tried. Why, it's almost ironic. Elyse interviews that she got the room she wanted, and has no interest in spending her time quietly reading the Bible. Preach it, Elyse. No pun intended. Sometime later, Tyra appears and springs the news that they're going to have ten competitors after all. She brings in two more girls: Tessa and Giselle. Nobody is happy to see them.
Tessa and Adrianne smoke out in the hallway. Robin appears and complains that the smell is getting into everything. We're supposed to think that Robin is a huge bitch for getting all up in arms, but seriously. They're in the penthouse. Smoke on the damn balcony. As a final treat for the evening, a personal trainer shows up to weigh the girls and announce their weights to the entire room, and then everyone gets a bikini wax. Fun! They receive another piece of Tyra mail that tells them to be ready at 7:45 sharp the next morning. Flash forward to daybreak. Ebony, along with the Christian Coven of Shannon, Kesse, and Robin choose to disregard the instruction to be on time, because they're dumb. What's taking Ebony so long to get ready? She's bald. The other three don't need to be on time because they love Jesus, and he loves them. Why bother showing consideration for anyone else? They miss the car to the photo shoot, and have to take a taxi. Tyra yells at them when they get there.
The photo shoot today will be swimwear. Outside. In the middle of winter. Oh, dear. Everyone's cold and miserable. The photographer is Douglas Bizzaro, and bizarro is right. Let the photo shoot begin! Katie's a big whore who's posing like she's in Hustler. Ebony has gorgeous cheekbones. Shannon says she can do anything because Christ strengthens her. I'm happy that she's so pleased with her spirituality, but posing in a bikini in cold weather isn't really about your faith in God. Like, at all. Tessa looks awful. Kesse takes to the posing very naturally. Elyse is really thin. No, really thin. For-seven-cents-a-day-you-can-make-sure-this-child-gets-all-the-supplies-she-needs thin. She tries to concentrate on the challenge, but the wind and cold reduce her to tears in no time. Have a bagel, sweetie. Giselle smarms about how she didn't complain when it was her turn to pose. Easy to say when you've got a more, shall we say, insulated body, isn't it Giselle? Bizarro and his assistant give critiques about each of the girls, which are very articulate and well-founded. It's so refreshing for there to be no sign of Orange Jay and his nonsensical babbling and scary teeth.
That night, at dinner, Elyse is outed as an atheist, and you can imagine how that sits with the Christian Coven. Elyse very calmly states that just because she doesn't believe in God doesn't mean she doesn't have ethics or morals. Seriously, I like Elyse so much.
Judging. These new (by which of course I mean old) judges scare and confuse me. It's nice to see Crazy Janice still in place, but where's Nigel? I want Nigel! Anyway, the judges are dull except for Janice and guest judge Douglas Bizarro, so I'll deal with them another day. The girls line up to see their best shot. Katie tries too hard. She's giving this faux-smoldering look into the camera and hooking her thumb into the waist of her bikini, which looks stupid. Kesse looks really, really good. Robin's shot comes out looking much better than I thought it would. Elyse is thin and miserable and it shows. Shannon looks terrible. I guess Christ's love wasn't enough to save this picture. Ebony's pose is not great, but her face is very striking. Tessa's bent over and looks silly, but since the pose wasn't her idea, I can't pin all the blame on her. Nicole, Giselle, and Adrianne's photos are all so boring that I can't even remember them.
The judges deliberate. Adrianne's feet are too big. Katie's got a lot to learn. Kesse is beautiful, and everyone loves her. We get our first glimmer of Janice's disdain of heavier women as she tears Robin to shreds. That's unfair. If you don't want to include a plus-size model in a competition like this, that's fine, but don't purposely cast one to show what "most women are like" and then criticize her for being the very body-type you wanted. There's nothing wrong with Robin having some meat on her bones. There is something wrong with Robin being a hypocritical, judgmental bitch, but I feel like she got a lot of unjust remarks from the panel. There are ten girls, but only nine photos. Whoa, that's way too many to count down, so we'll just cut to the chase. Tessa's ugly, and she's out. Sounds good to me.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: The models compete in a runway challenge. Ebony and Elyse hate all their roommates. I can't imagine what possible problems a lesbian and an atheist would have in a household with the Christian Coven.
Overall Grade: B
Monday, May 09, 2005
The Girl Who Flops in the Mud
America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 10
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls left a dismal, rainy LA for a wild kingdom adventure in South Africa. Keenyah was fat, while Naima was phat. Michelle got eliminated, and was sent packing. Better luck with the wrestling, Michelle.
Cape Town. The girls' hotel room is really nice. Who says starving yourself for a career that you're too old for when you hit 35 doesn't pay off? Tyra comes to visit the final five, wheeling in a cart of food. Ah, the traditional visit to show that Tyra is more than a harsh judge, pointing out every smidge of cellulite. She's a caring friend! Everyone settles in for dinner. Keenyah interviews that she was in the bottom two last week, and needs to step it up. Or something. I'm having trouble paying attention to what she's saying because I'm blinded by her lip gloss. Three layers is probably enough, Keenyah. Naima talks about how she used to be a party girl, drinking all the time, and in her efforts to move on from that, tends to put up a wall around herself. Tyra tells her that she needs to let her personality shine through, and Brittany nods emphatically, thinking "Yeah, you need to hang your ass out of more windows. That's personality!" Kahlen talks about how much she's learned about modeling and about herself, and starts to tear up a little. That girl is smart. Tyra loves a crier. Christina wants to show the more caring, warm side of her personality; she's just nervous in front of the judges. Tyra tells her to picture all of the judges in their underwear. Keenyah points out that Tyra would be gorgeous in her underwear, so that's no help. I can't decide if Keenyah was being witty or being an ass-kisser there. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. After Tyra leaves, Keenyah takes a plate that's pretty much still full of food up to the cart for another helping. Man, she's thisclose to doing all her modeling at the Hefty Hideaway. Call Mr. Pinky!
The next morning, the girls head for their first challenge. They meet Jackie Burger, who is the fashion director for Elle in South Africa, and Paola De Vito, the CEO of the National Association of Model Agencies. Jackie is really pretty. I love women who can wear gray hair gracefully. Paola is...not as pretty, but she's smart as a whip, and has one of those adorable South African accents. I like her. She tells them that their challenge will be a series of "go-sees", wherein the girls visit a bunch of designers, photographers, etc. and try on some of their clothes. They'll be judged on arriving (so they get points for just showing up), personality, portfolio, look, and professionalism. Paola tells them that they can go on as many go-sees as they like. The only hard and fast rule is to be back by 4:30. "That's the only thing you MUST do." Gee, with the way Paola's really emphasizing punctuality, I'll bet all the girls make it a priority. Everyone takes off. The way they're all rushing around in cabs, I feel like I'm watching The Amazing Race. How cool would it be if one of them had to shave their heads to win a challenge?
Christina is not winning over the designers. She just kind of stares at them a lot with her crazy eyes. Kahlen's having a bunch of problems getting in to see people, because she can't figure out the keypads out front. Brittany interviews about how professional she's going to be, then grabs her boobs in front of one of the designers. Professional! A designer asks Kahlen if she's done "ramp" work. Kahlen thinks he means "rap". After she gets it straight she says no. Five seconds later, she says "I mean yes." The designer looks at her as if she were retarded. Naima and Keenyah are closing in on the same designer at the same time. Naima gets there first, but Keenyah runs up ahead of her and gets in the door first. She interviews about how she has to be ultra-competitive to stay in the game. Well, there's competitive and there's plain rude. Naima's pissed. She interviews that Keenyah is not going to take this away from her. Looks like she just did, Naima. Don't worry about it. You look better in the clothes, anyway. Brittany tells a designer that she's over that party stage in her life (HA!). Kahlen racks her head on some steps (HA!). Christina stares at a designer like she's wondering what her liver tastes like (HA!). Keenyah pulls the same body check crap on Kahlen as she did on Naima. Kahlen is a good egg about it (saying she's not right for the hip-hop style of this particular designer), but she's annoyed. Preach it, Kahlen. Instant karma strikes, however, as the designer thinks Keenyah's too fat to model for them. It's time to go back, but Christina wants to do one more go-see. She rushes through it, paying no attention to what the designer is saying because she's worried about making it back on time. Bad move.
Everyone rushes back to the hotel. I said everyone rushes back to the hotel. Naima, what are you doing? OK, Naima's not rushing back to the hotel. She makes a decision to try and go to everyone on the list rather than returning. This is a tough call. On the one hand, Paola did say that it was extremely important to be back on time, and it's unwise and rude to ignore that. On the other hand, this competition is not going to last forever. Naima wants to make South African contacts, and she thinks it's more important to meet everyone than focus on winning one challenge. Not that she actually meets anyone. The challenge is over, and everyone's either closed or unwilling to meet with her. One lady says "we're in the middle of a strategic planning meeting" which is code for "we're trying to decide which of these hats to put on the mannequin tomorrow." Naima gets back 45 minutes late. Oh, Naima. No. I like you, but that is just plain wrong. Keenyah thinks Naima did it on purpose to impress the judge with her commitment to see everyone. Way to miss the point, Keenyah. Paola rips Naima a new one, then announces the winner of the challenge: Keenyah. OK, then. She's going to a party at one of the designer's houses, and chooses Brittany to take along with her.
Keenyah and Brittany leave for the party. "Any situation we have, she's gonna be fun," Keenyah interviews about Brittany. My, the Irony Fairy is getting a good workout lately. In the limo, Keenyah rates the other girls and why she didn't pick them. Meow! For a nice contrast, back at the hotel, Kahlen beautifully toasts Naima and Christina. Kahlen's a sweetie. Brittany is...well, basically Brittany at the party. She steals the spotlight, which makes Keenyah jealous and peeved. Nobody to blame but yourself for that one. "I hope I'm not too annoying!" Brittany brays loudly, clearly thinking that she's being deliciously clever. I hate people who call themselves annoying, high-maintenance, rude, etc. and think that by admitting it, everyone else is just supposed to accept it. The solution to you being annoying is not admitting it. The solution is to stop being annoying.
The main challenge starts at 6AM the next morning. Ick. Nobody looks good at six in the morning. The girls will have to "kloof" which is just fancy talk for hiking to their next shoot. They're introduced to Anton, the photographer, who's dreamy. They kloof along, Brittany complaining, Naima enjoying it, and Kahlen simply describing it as "an experience." They get to the site, where Orange Jay is waiting. I just cannot look at him without wanting to hit him with a lead pipe. Their challenge will be to use the surrounding environment as their outfit (though the show cheats by making them wear bikinis underneath. Boo!), and pose in front of a waterfall. The girls meet Q, the fashion stylist. Good, something else to rant about. People who give themselves asinine names in a pathetic attempt to appear special are stupid. Wow, that was a short rant. OK, then let's talk about Q's job. The girls choose what parts of nature they'd like to use. They also choose where on their body they'd like it to go. Q's entire job seems to consist of nodding thoughtfully, saying "think about your look", and passing the pruning shears. I'll bet she made more money for this shoot than I make in a year.
Photo shoot. Jay's annoying commentary on the girls runs throughout, but I care too much about my sanity to revisit it. Keenyah has pasted a bunch of grass on her stomach to try and hide that fact that she's getting heavier. It doesn't work, and looks silly to boot. She also has attached leaves to her leg and chest. It doesn't look good at first sight. There seems to be a fern taking root in her cleavage and growing out of it. Her hair looks pretty, though. Naima has tried a sort of camouflage approach, using stripes of mud to try to blend into the surroundings. Brittany goes that one further and rolls around in a mud puddle like a prize hog. As she poses for her photo, Jay repeatedly tells her to tone down her sexuality, and try to think of it more as a serene, innocent shot. Kahlen eschews the green surroundings and covers herself with dead sticks instead. Christina covers herself with some leaves, and in a very Pocahontas moment, puts a pine branch in her hair that sticks up like a fan. It looks good. She's very mechanical and technical during the shoot, and I'm almost positive they had to blur her boobs. Were they hanging out? Weird.
Judging. The girls come in. My God, Keenyah. Step away from the lip gloss. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. All the usual judges are there, plus guest judge Paola De Vito. Tyra breaks it to the girls that they will be judging each other's photos as their final challenge. Janice gives them this awesome look, like, "let the bloodbath begin." Brittany's up first. I'm so torn on her. If I ever met her in person, I'd hate her immediately, but girlfriend takes some awesome pictures. She looks terrific. There's some blather about how the mud makes her neck look thick, but I'm not seeing it. Kahlen. Keenyah and Christina harp on the fact that she looks surprised. Naima says that it works for the shot, and I agree. It gives her a dreamlike quality.
Christina. As I thought, the branch in her hair looks awesome, but that's about the only good thing. Her shoulder is hunched forward and looks terrible. She has a half-smile on her face like the camera went off too early. Everyone criticizes the slouching. Except Brittany. Throughout this challenge, Brittany never uses a word more than two syllables long or beyond a third-grade reading level. She can't come up with a single relevant point, good or bad, regarding anyone's photo. Keenyah. She looks better than I originally thought. I like the big palm frond on her leg (Christina disagrees), but the grass on the stomach is ridiculous. Naima. Hoo boy. This is not a good picture. Her face is all washed out and she looks almost monkey-like. She has a good pose, though.
Now the girls have to say who they think has the most model potential and who has the least. Keenyah says that it's a tie between Brittany and Kahlen for most, and that Naima has the least potential because of the "shell" around her personality. So she's just parroting the judges' critiques from last week. Lame. Christina thinks Kahlen has the most potential, and that Brittany has the least, because she only has one look. Interesting. Naima thinks Kahlen has the most potential, too. Kahlen is on fire! As to least, Naima picks Christina, calling her "bland". At first Brittany says that she herself is the best, but takes it back and chooses Keenyah as best and Christina as worst, both due to facets of their personalities. She does realize that most models will never meet the people seeing their pictures, right? Who cares what their personalities are like? She's dumb. Kahlen picks Keenyah as the strongest, and Christina as the weakest, cushioning the blow by saying Christina would be good at modeling expensive-type fashion only. I'd agree with that.
Now it's time for the judges' take on everything. They think Keenyah was a bit too catty in her critiques. In her photo, Janice doesn't like the way the body is positioned, but likes the face. I feel the exact opposite way. No mind meld with Janice for me. Nole tells her that her shot "doesn't show fashion". Yeah, Keenyah. How are you going to sell those palm frond outfits looking like that? Shut up, Nole. The judges agree that Christina is robotic and cold, from the go-sees to the photo shoot to the critiques. Tyra says that models slouching is becoming very fashionable. I don't buy it. Naima needs to show more personality. She explains that she used to be very wild, and that she's trying to get away from that sort of life. The judges exclaim that they've finally seen the real Naima, but frankly, I don't see any difference. Then again, I think their claim that she needs to let more personality out is bullshit. Not everyone is loud and outgoing. That doesn't mean there's nothing to them. They hate her photo, but loved her critiques. There's no mention of the late arrival at the first challenge, so I guess they don't care. Kahlen. Tyra likes the photo, but says that it's the only good one Kahlen took, and that this was her worst shoot to date. However, they loved her critiques, and 3 of the 4 other girls chose her as having the most model potential. Brittany. The judges all love her photo, praising her over and over about her sensuality and saying that every teenage boy would want this shot above his bed. Janice calls Nigel a "big ol' horny judge", which was funny, but what's really hilarious is that everything that the judges like about the shot is what Orange Jay told Brittany to tone down. Man, even the judges ignore his advice. Yay! Photo shoot aside, the judges think Brittany hasn't learned a thing since she arrived. Nole tells her she's acting like she's in high school. Never thought I'd see the day when I was all, "sing it, Nole".
The girls leave, and the judges have their final discussion. Nigel likes Naima. Everyone hates Christina. Paola thinks Keenyah has a lot of potential. Janice loves Brittany. Tyra inexplicably shifts into some weird ghetto-speak, saying that the only reason Janice likes Brittany is because she reminds her of herself. What follows is so awesome that it has to be transcribed almost word for word.
Nole: Her first face, anyway.
Janice: Don't even get me started, you short, fat, squatty, bald, blind boy.
Nole: All right, you plastic-surgery victim freak of nature.
Paola: This is what I've been waiting to see.
Hahahahahaha! That was totally the highlight of the season so far.
The girls come back in. Naima is safe. Keenyah is safe. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Christina please step forward? Tyra tells them that both of their photos are fine (which is not true), and says that they're both on the bubble because of their attitudes. Christina is an ice-queen. Brittany is a bubblehead. There's very little suspense, because everyone loved Brittany's photo so much. Indeed, Christina is cut. She cries, and hugs everyone. As she packs, she interviews that she doesn't know where confident meets cold, and she'll just have to learn from the experience. Sounds good. On occasion, she looked very, very pretty, but I can't argue with the judges' choice.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hates each other. Naima stalks out of the room. Keenyah and Brittany are so not BFF anymore.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls left a dismal, rainy LA for a wild kingdom adventure in South Africa. Keenyah was fat, while Naima was phat. Michelle got eliminated, and was sent packing. Better luck with the wrestling, Michelle.
Cape Town. The girls' hotel room is really nice. Who says starving yourself for a career that you're too old for when you hit 35 doesn't pay off? Tyra comes to visit the final five, wheeling in a cart of food. Ah, the traditional visit to show that Tyra is more than a harsh judge, pointing out every smidge of cellulite. She's a caring friend! Everyone settles in for dinner. Keenyah interviews that she was in the bottom two last week, and needs to step it up. Or something. I'm having trouble paying attention to what she's saying because I'm blinded by her lip gloss. Three layers is probably enough, Keenyah. Naima talks about how she used to be a party girl, drinking all the time, and in her efforts to move on from that, tends to put up a wall around herself. Tyra tells her that she needs to let her personality shine through, and Brittany nods emphatically, thinking "Yeah, you need to hang your ass out of more windows. That's personality!" Kahlen talks about how much she's learned about modeling and about herself, and starts to tear up a little. That girl is smart. Tyra loves a crier. Christina wants to show the more caring, warm side of her personality; she's just nervous in front of the judges. Tyra tells her to picture all of the judges in their underwear. Keenyah points out that Tyra would be gorgeous in her underwear, so that's no help. I can't decide if Keenyah was being witty or being an ass-kisser there. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. After Tyra leaves, Keenyah takes a plate that's pretty much still full of food up to the cart for another helping. Man, she's thisclose to doing all her modeling at the Hefty Hideaway. Call Mr. Pinky!
The next morning, the girls head for their first challenge. They meet Jackie Burger, who is the fashion director for Elle in South Africa, and Paola De Vito, the CEO of the National Association of Model Agencies. Jackie is really pretty. I love women who can wear gray hair gracefully. Paola is...not as pretty, but she's smart as a whip, and has one of those adorable South African accents. I like her. She tells them that their challenge will be a series of "go-sees", wherein the girls visit a bunch of designers, photographers, etc. and try on some of their clothes. They'll be judged on arriving (so they get points for just showing up), personality, portfolio, look, and professionalism. Paola tells them that they can go on as many go-sees as they like. The only hard and fast rule is to be back by 4:30. "That's the only thing you MUST do." Gee, with the way Paola's really emphasizing punctuality, I'll bet all the girls make it a priority. Everyone takes off. The way they're all rushing around in cabs, I feel like I'm watching The Amazing Race. How cool would it be if one of them had to shave their heads to win a challenge?
Christina is not winning over the designers. She just kind of stares at them a lot with her crazy eyes. Kahlen's having a bunch of problems getting in to see people, because she can't figure out the keypads out front. Brittany interviews about how professional she's going to be, then grabs her boobs in front of one of the designers. Professional! A designer asks Kahlen if she's done "ramp" work. Kahlen thinks he means "rap". After she gets it straight she says no. Five seconds later, she says "I mean yes." The designer looks at her as if she were retarded. Naima and Keenyah are closing in on the same designer at the same time. Naima gets there first, but Keenyah runs up ahead of her and gets in the door first. She interviews about how she has to be ultra-competitive to stay in the game. Well, there's competitive and there's plain rude. Naima's pissed. She interviews that Keenyah is not going to take this away from her. Looks like she just did, Naima. Don't worry about it. You look better in the clothes, anyway. Brittany tells a designer that she's over that party stage in her life (HA!). Kahlen racks her head on some steps (HA!). Christina stares at a designer like she's wondering what her liver tastes like (HA!). Keenyah pulls the same body check crap on Kahlen as she did on Naima. Kahlen is a good egg about it (saying she's not right for the hip-hop style of this particular designer), but she's annoyed. Preach it, Kahlen. Instant karma strikes, however, as the designer thinks Keenyah's too fat to model for them. It's time to go back, but Christina wants to do one more go-see. She rushes through it, paying no attention to what the designer is saying because she's worried about making it back on time. Bad move.
Everyone rushes back to the hotel. I said everyone rushes back to the hotel. Naima, what are you doing? OK, Naima's not rushing back to the hotel. She makes a decision to try and go to everyone on the list rather than returning. This is a tough call. On the one hand, Paola did say that it was extremely important to be back on time, and it's unwise and rude to ignore that. On the other hand, this competition is not going to last forever. Naima wants to make South African contacts, and she thinks it's more important to meet everyone than focus on winning one challenge. Not that she actually meets anyone. The challenge is over, and everyone's either closed or unwilling to meet with her. One lady says "we're in the middle of a strategic planning meeting" which is code for "we're trying to decide which of these hats to put on the mannequin tomorrow." Naima gets back 45 minutes late. Oh, Naima. No. I like you, but that is just plain wrong. Keenyah thinks Naima did it on purpose to impress the judge with her commitment to see everyone. Way to miss the point, Keenyah. Paola rips Naima a new one, then announces the winner of the challenge: Keenyah. OK, then. She's going to a party at one of the designer's houses, and chooses Brittany to take along with her.
Keenyah and Brittany leave for the party. "Any situation we have, she's gonna be fun," Keenyah interviews about Brittany. My, the Irony Fairy is getting a good workout lately. In the limo, Keenyah rates the other girls and why she didn't pick them. Meow! For a nice contrast, back at the hotel, Kahlen beautifully toasts Naima and Christina. Kahlen's a sweetie. Brittany is...well, basically Brittany at the party. She steals the spotlight, which makes Keenyah jealous and peeved. Nobody to blame but yourself for that one. "I hope I'm not too annoying!" Brittany brays loudly, clearly thinking that she's being deliciously clever. I hate people who call themselves annoying, high-maintenance, rude, etc. and think that by admitting it, everyone else is just supposed to accept it. The solution to you being annoying is not admitting it. The solution is to stop being annoying.
The main challenge starts at 6AM the next morning. Ick. Nobody looks good at six in the morning. The girls will have to "kloof" which is just fancy talk for hiking to their next shoot. They're introduced to Anton, the photographer, who's dreamy. They kloof along, Brittany complaining, Naima enjoying it, and Kahlen simply describing it as "an experience." They get to the site, where Orange Jay is waiting. I just cannot look at him without wanting to hit him with a lead pipe. Their challenge will be to use the surrounding environment as their outfit (though the show cheats by making them wear bikinis underneath. Boo!), and pose in front of a waterfall. The girls meet Q, the fashion stylist. Good, something else to rant about. People who give themselves asinine names in a pathetic attempt to appear special are stupid. Wow, that was a short rant. OK, then let's talk about Q's job. The girls choose what parts of nature they'd like to use. They also choose where on their body they'd like it to go. Q's entire job seems to consist of nodding thoughtfully, saying "think about your look", and passing the pruning shears. I'll bet she made more money for this shoot than I make in a year.
Photo shoot. Jay's annoying commentary on the girls runs throughout, but I care too much about my sanity to revisit it. Keenyah has pasted a bunch of grass on her stomach to try and hide that fact that she's getting heavier. It doesn't work, and looks silly to boot. She also has attached leaves to her leg and chest. It doesn't look good at first sight. There seems to be a fern taking root in her cleavage and growing out of it. Her hair looks pretty, though. Naima has tried a sort of camouflage approach, using stripes of mud to try to blend into the surroundings. Brittany goes that one further and rolls around in a mud puddle like a prize hog. As she poses for her photo, Jay repeatedly tells her to tone down her sexuality, and try to think of it more as a serene, innocent shot. Kahlen eschews the green surroundings and covers herself with dead sticks instead. Christina covers herself with some leaves, and in a very Pocahontas moment, puts a pine branch in her hair that sticks up like a fan. It looks good. She's very mechanical and technical during the shoot, and I'm almost positive they had to blur her boobs. Were they hanging out? Weird.
Judging. The girls come in. My God, Keenyah. Step away from the lip gloss. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. All the usual judges are there, plus guest judge Paola De Vito. Tyra breaks it to the girls that they will be judging each other's photos as their final challenge. Janice gives them this awesome look, like, "let the bloodbath begin." Brittany's up first. I'm so torn on her. If I ever met her in person, I'd hate her immediately, but girlfriend takes some awesome pictures. She looks terrific. There's some blather about how the mud makes her neck look thick, but I'm not seeing it. Kahlen. Keenyah and Christina harp on the fact that she looks surprised. Naima says that it works for the shot, and I agree. It gives her a dreamlike quality.
Christina. As I thought, the branch in her hair looks awesome, but that's about the only good thing. Her shoulder is hunched forward and looks terrible. She has a half-smile on her face like the camera went off too early. Everyone criticizes the slouching. Except Brittany. Throughout this challenge, Brittany never uses a word more than two syllables long or beyond a third-grade reading level. She can't come up with a single relevant point, good or bad, regarding anyone's photo. Keenyah. She looks better than I originally thought. I like the big palm frond on her leg (Christina disagrees), but the grass on the stomach is ridiculous. Naima. Hoo boy. This is not a good picture. Her face is all washed out and she looks almost monkey-like. She has a good pose, though.
Now the girls have to say who they think has the most model potential and who has the least. Keenyah says that it's a tie between Brittany and Kahlen for most, and that Naima has the least potential because of the "shell" around her personality. So she's just parroting the judges' critiques from last week. Lame. Christina thinks Kahlen has the most potential, and that Brittany has the least, because she only has one look. Interesting. Naima thinks Kahlen has the most potential, too. Kahlen is on fire! As to least, Naima picks Christina, calling her "bland". At first Brittany says that she herself is the best, but takes it back and chooses Keenyah as best and Christina as worst, both due to facets of their personalities. She does realize that most models will never meet the people seeing their pictures, right? Who cares what their personalities are like? She's dumb. Kahlen picks Keenyah as the strongest, and Christina as the weakest, cushioning the blow by saying Christina would be good at modeling expensive-type fashion only. I'd agree with that.
Now it's time for the judges' take on everything. They think Keenyah was a bit too catty in her critiques. In her photo, Janice doesn't like the way the body is positioned, but likes the face. I feel the exact opposite way. No mind meld with Janice for me. Nole tells her that her shot "doesn't show fashion". Yeah, Keenyah. How are you going to sell those palm frond outfits looking like that? Shut up, Nole. The judges agree that Christina is robotic and cold, from the go-sees to the photo shoot to the critiques. Tyra says that models slouching is becoming very fashionable. I don't buy it. Naima needs to show more personality. She explains that she used to be very wild, and that she's trying to get away from that sort of life. The judges exclaim that they've finally seen the real Naima, but frankly, I don't see any difference. Then again, I think their claim that she needs to let more personality out is bullshit. Not everyone is loud and outgoing. That doesn't mean there's nothing to them. They hate her photo, but loved her critiques. There's no mention of the late arrival at the first challenge, so I guess they don't care. Kahlen. Tyra likes the photo, but says that it's the only good one Kahlen took, and that this was her worst shoot to date. However, they loved her critiques, and 3 of the 4 other girls chose her as having the most model potential. Brittany. The judges all love her photo, praising her over and over about her sensuality and saying that every teenage boy would want this shot above his bed. Janice calls Nigel a "big ol' horny judge", which was funny, but what's really hilarious is that everything that the judges like about the shot is what Orange Jay told Brittany to tone down. Man, even the judges ignore his advice. Yay! Photo shoot aside, the judges think Brittany hasn't learned a thing since she arrived. Nole tells her she's acting like she's in high school. Never thought I'd see the day when I was all, "sing it, Nole".
The girls leave, and the judges have their final discussion. Nigel likes Naima. Everyone hates Christina. Paola thinks Keenyah has a lot of potential. Janice loves Brittany. Tyra inexplicably shifts into some weird ghetto-speak, saying that the only reason Janice likes Brittany is because she reminds her of herself. What follows is so awesome that it has to be transcribed almost word for word.
Nole: Her first face, anyway.
Janice: Don't even get me started, you short, fat, squatty, bald, blind boy.
Nole: All right, you plastic-surgery victim freak of nature.
Paola: This is what I've been waiting to see.
Hahahahahaha! That was totally the highlight of the season so far.
The girls come back in. Naima is safe. Keenyah is safe. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Christina please step forward? Tyra tells them that both of their photos are fine (which is not true), and says that they're both on the bubble because of their attitudes. Christina is an ice-queen. Brittany is a bubblehead. There's very little suspense, because everyone loved Brittany's photo so much. Indeed, Christina is cut. She cries, and hugs everyone. As she packs, she interviews that she doesn't know where confident meets cold, and she'll just have to learn from the experience. Sounds good. On occasion, she looked very, very pretty, but I can't argue with the judges' choice.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hates each other. Naima stalks out of the room. Keenyah and Brittany are so not BFF anymore.
Overall Grade: B-
Saturday, May 07, 2005
The Devil Made Me Do It
The Amazing Race - Season 7, Episode 10
Previously on The Amazing Race: Rob outsmarted himself into third place. Kelly said something so undeservedly mean that from now on, every time God writes her name down for doing a good deed, there's going to be a little asterisk by it.
Istanbul, Turkey - 10:53 PM. Uchenna and Joyce leave the mat and head for their first destination, a train station where they'll see a bunch of whirling dervishes, which is a group of people in long flowing robes spinning around as part of a religious ritual. They also learn that everyone except Ron and Kelly will be getting $477 for the leg. They find the train station with no problem. The whirling dervishes are neat, and Uchenna and Joyce describe the ritual as "magical." They grab their next clue, which tells them to fly to London and find the zebra crossing made famous by a Beatles album. Anyone with enough trivial knowledge to tackle the games on the back of a Froot Loops box should know that this is Abbey Road. They come up with the name easily, and head for the airport.
11:57 PM. Meredith and Gretchen leave the mat. Wow, they bled a lot of time last week. They head for the train station while Uchenna and Joyce are just arriving at the airport. They find a Turkish Air direct flight to London leaving at 8:30 AM and arriving at 10:30 AM. They decide to book the tickets, but look for better ones while they're waiting. Meredith and Gretchen find the whirling dervishes, whom they call "wonderful", and head for the airport. They have absolutely no clue what the Beatles' album name is. Oy. What do Meredith and Gretchen do with their time? Stare at the walls?
12:37 AM. Rob and Amber depart. As he reads the clue, he refers first to the "devrish" (BZZZZZT!!!), then changes his mind to "devish" (BZZZZZT!!!). But hey, that's mean. He's just mispronouncing it. It's not as if he's insulted them. At least not until 20 seconds later. In the cab to the train station, Rob and Amber try to puzzle out what a dervish is. Rob surmises that it is a topless woman, and the cab driver gives the most awesome eye-roll in the world. When they get to the train station, they describe the ritual as "spooky." Shut up, Rob and Amber. It'd be like if they went to the Vatican and were all like "Nuns? Those are those broads who dress up like penguins and symbolically cannibalize their dead husband, right? Hahahahah!!!" There is not enough time left on Earth for me to enumerate all of the reasons why I detest Rob, but this is sure one of them. If other cultures are so inferior and horrible and beneath you, why go on a race around the world? Oh, because then you wouldn't have a camera in your face all the time, and we can't have that. Anyway, Meredith and Gretchen arrive at the airport and book the same tickets Uchenna and Joyce did.
12:53 AM. Ron and Kelly depart. Cripes, how long did Ron spend on top of that fort? Literally five seconds off the mat, and they're sniping already; something completely innocuous about how slippery the rocks are. They successfully beg money from the locals. I love this show, but they need to rework a few things, and this non-elimination penalty is one of the big ones. 1) Taking a team's money has never, ever, ever had the slightest effect on their standing later, making the penalty essentially pointless. 2) Watching the begging segment is really boring. 3) There's something very ooky about people from a wealthy country who can apparently afford to take a few months off work to compete in a game show asking for money from hard-working citizens of countries who aren't as well off. I don't know what penalty to suggest in its place, but change it. Now.
Rob and Amber know about Abbey Road. In their cab on the way to the airport, Rob shows the cabbie a piece of paper with "go fast" written in Turkish. That's a smart idea. Mental note for if I ever apply. Ron and Kelly get to the train station, and Kelly describes it being "like a dream." I think she's hit it. The spinners are very ethereal. They head to the airport, too. At the airport, Rob and Amber book the same tickets as everyone else, but then ask to use the internet, and discover another flight. This one is a Lufthansa flight leaving Istanbul at 5:50 AM and connecting through Frankfurt. The Frankfurt flight leaves at 8:20 AM, and gets into London at 9:00 AM, a full hour and a half before the other one. The only hitch is it's sold out, so they'd have to get on standby. They decide to chance it, and ask the agent not to let anyone else use the internet. Man, they're incapable of doing something that would make me respect them without adding on some asshole move that makes me wish they'd get hit with a brick. They decide to flaunt their original tickets to trick the other teams. Because trickery surrounding airline tickets worked so well for them last week.
Ron and Kelly arrive at the airport and book the direct flight tickets. Kelly asks to borrow the agent's lipstick which is a) gross and b) ineffective. No amount of lipstick's gonna cover up those zits, Kelly. Also, Meredith approaches and gives them some money in return for when he and Gretchen were on the business end of a non-elimination mugging. Sweet! As they leave the counter, Kelly spots the Frankfurt flight on a nearby monitor, and after researching it, decide to take the risk. Wow, good job with that fake ticket, Rob and Amber! I hear now that Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen learned of the connection too, but did not want to risk not getting a ticket in Frankfurt, but they don't show this on screen, so we're supposed to assume that they don't know about it. There's some suspense in the Frankfurt airport, but ultimately both lead teams are able to get onto the flight. I have to admit, that was well played, except for the attempt to manipulate other teams. Ray and Deana aren't here anymore, Rob. It's not gonna work.
London! I love London. I only spent a week there, but what a week. The Lufthansa flight carrying Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly lands, and Rob/Amber get a slight lead, so they're able to catch a subway to Paddington Station ahead of Ron/Kelly. On the train, Rob and Amber meet Stuart, a very nice young man who's willing to do everything for them for the rest of the day. Yep, here's something else that needs changing about this show. They find the Abbey Road clue, which directs them to the London Eye, a gigantic ferris wheel. They have to purchase a ticket, go up in the air, and spot a flag under which will be their next clue. Ron and Kelly find the Abbey road clue, too, and are right behind them. When they get to the London Eye, they have a tiny spat about where the ticket counter is located. Up in the air, Kelly says she'll look for the flag after she gets an apology from Ron. Shut up, bitch. It'd serve you right if you lost the race because you had to throw this twenty-second hissy fit. Rob spots the clue, and Ron spots it soon after. When they get to the clue, they learn that it's this week's Detour.
The choice? Brains vs. Brawn. In Brains, you solve a series of riddles that will eventually lead you to 221B Baker Street, the home of Sherlock Holmes. In Brawn, you go to Battersea Park and move 5 160-pound boats. Rob and Amber choose Brains, then relax as Stuart takes them to all the places they need to go. Ron and Kelly choose Brains also, but fall a bit behind because they're actually doing their own work. The nerve! The flight carrying Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen is just now landing. Ouch. They learn that they other teams have been through, and are not happy about it. As the lead teams continue with their Detour, Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen get to the Abbey Road clue and then to the London Eye one. Meredith and Gretchen are a bit slow about it, as usual, so Uchenna and Joyce pull a bit ahead. Pretty much what you'd expect.
Rob and Amber hand their riddles to a man playing Sherlock Holmes. Hmm, I'm pretty sure Sherlock Holmes wasn't supposed to be 109 years old. He hands over the next clue, which tells them to go to the Millennium Dome. Stuart takes off, so Rob and Amber bemoan the fact that they're alone. Yeah, I'll be sure to bitterly weep into my pillow for you guys. Meanwhile, at the London Eye, Joyce spots the flag, followed by Meredith. Ron and Kelly find Sherlock, and make the decision to take a taxi to the Dome instead of the subway. Turns out to be a bad idea, as London is snarled with traffic. Uchenna and Joyce decide to take Brawn. In the best example this episode of Uchenna (perhaps unknowingly) imitating the locals, he walks up to a hotel doorman and says "Might you summon a cab for us?" in a lilting British accent. Hehe. I'm surprised he didn't tack on a "Hip, hip, cheerio!" at the end. Meredith and Gretchen also decide to take Brawn. Huh? What on Earth possessed them to do that? Last week, Gretchen could barely pull herself up a rope ladder and now she wants to move 800 pounds worth of boat? That was dumb.
Speaking of dumb, Rob and Amber arrive at the Millennium Dome and find the final Yield of the race. They decide to Yield Ron and Kelly. Again....huh? That has absolutely no benefit for them, except if they're trying to solidify a first-place finish. That's nice and all, but at this point, the goal is not coming in first; it's not coming in last. This decision has no effect except allowing the other teams to possibly catch up with Ron and Kelly. What they should have done, though it wouldn't have made me happy, is Yield the already lagging Uchenna and Joyce to try to knock them out of the competition so they'd be up against Meredith and Gretchen in the final three. Dumb. At any rate, they open the clue. Roadblock. This Roadblock is something out of my nightmares. You have to drive a (manual transmission) double-decker bus through a course that has a lot of curves in it. If you hit one of the cones, you have to start all over. When you're through the course, you have to back the bus into a parking space. No matter how bad anyone does at this task, it isn't even conceivable that they'd do as poorly as I would. I'd be at this all night, and probably attempt suicide after a while. Amber's not confident in her abilities to drive a stick, so Rob takes the Roadblock. He rolls over a cone, and the whistle blows. "What'd I hit?" he yells. A little girl on a tricycle. What the fuck do you think you hit?
Ron and Kelly are still stuck in their taxi. Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen are tackling Brawn, and it looks exhausting. Yep, I probably would have gone with Brains, but I'm a nerd who gets off on puzzles, so I'm not the best judge of which Detour choice was better. On Rob's 4th attempt, he successfully finishes the course. That is extremely impressive. Kudos. They take off for the pit stop: Potter's Field Park, right across from Tower Bridge. I've been there! Ron and Kelly arrive at the Yield. That taxi ride took forever. Uchenna and Joyce wrap up the Detour, and Uchenna attempts to help Meredith and Gretchen haul one of their boats. Awww. That's sweet, but it's against the rules, so he and Joyce take off for the Dome. They get the information from a nearby cabbie that it'd be much faster to take the tube at this time of day. I love you, Honest Taxi Driver. Meredith and Gretchen finally finish, and hop in a cab. Well, we know where this is going. Or not going. Back at the Yield, to their credit, Ron and Kelly aren't making all sorts of judgments about Rob and Amber's personalities because they Yielded them (right, Christie?). To even more of their credit, they're passing the time drawing cartoon mustaches and blackened teeth on Rob and Amber's picture. That's pretty much the first time I've liked Kelly, ever. It won't last. The Yield expires, and Kelly takes the Roadblock. Probably not the wisest choice, but Ron's taken five already, so it makes sense that she do it.
Rob and Amber arrive at the pitstop. Welcome, you are Team #1. The greeter is insanely hot. Well, the accent helps. Call me, greeter! Amber agrees with me, telling him he looks very nice. Dump that loser, Amber, and start something up with the greeter. Hmm, I guess that means he wouldn't call me, though, so never mind. Stick with your homophobic asshole fiancee with the annoying accent. Rob and Amber win an entertainment system for coming in first. Of course they do. Joyce and Uchenna have come in first twice, once after Joyce shaved all her hair off. What did they win? Nothing. Lynn and Alex came in first after being one of the few teams to take on that task that involved ingesting four pounds of meat. What did they win? Nothing. Rob and Amber have come in first several times, and to date have won: A trip to Monte Carlo, a trip to London, a trip to the Bahamas, and now this. There have been whispers of the game being fixed so that they can win all this shit, which I highly doubt. I think it's a coincidence. An irritating, horrible coincidence. They should totally give that entertainment system to Stuart.
Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Roadblock, and Joyce takes it. Meredith and Gretchen come in some time later, which Ron notes by saying "Here comes the old couple". Ron, you're the final four teams. I think it's time to learn their names. Everyone sucks at the driving. Everyone yells at each other while the amusing Oompah Music of People Screwing Up honks merrily in the background. Ron makes a dumbass comment about teaching women how to drive that stopped being funny two seconds after it was invented. In 1959. Kelly finally finishes the detour on her 7th attempt. Again, far better than I'd ever do. She and Ron fight some more in the cab to the pit stop. Poor CBS. They so wanted this POW/pageant queen to be the All-American couple. People we could take pride in, and who represent all of our fine American values. Instead, we got a shrill, ugly harpy and her beleaguered boyfriend who can't stand her, and is getting pissier with each passing minute he's forced to spend with her. America!
Joyce finishes on her 5th attempt. Meredith finishes on his 7th attempt. They try to make it seem that Meredith and Gretchen are hot on Uchenna and Joyce's heels, but the sun doesn't lie. It is seriously pitch black as Meredith finishes the Roadblock, while it's still twilight as Uchenna and Joyce make their way to the pitstop. Ron and Kelly check in as Team #2. They hate each other. Yawn. There's some back and forth about who will be next, but it's pretty obvious. Uchenna and Joyce make it as Team #3. Whew.
Aw. Here come Meredith and Gretchen. They are the last team to arrive, and they are eliminated. They talk about how incredible the journey has been, and how much they love one another. Phil calls them an inspiration. Can't argue with that. I could have done with about 80% less screeching from Gretchen over the course of the race, and the only reason they made it this far is due to massive screwups by other teams. Still, they seem like good people overall, and they gave it their best. It was definitely their time, though. The final three teams do the traditional pissing match interviews about how they're going to win.
Next week on the season finale of The Amazing Race: Ron and Kelly fight. Really? Rob and Amber get stopped by the cops, and Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire. Please win, Uchenna and Joyce. I'll be your best friend! And not just for the money!
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on The Amazing Race: Rob outsmarted himself into third place. Kelly said something so undeservedly mean that from now on, every time God writes her name down for doing a good deed, there's going to be a little asterisk by it.
Istanbul, Turkey - 10:53 PM. Uchenna and Joyce leave the mat and head for their first destination, a train station where they'll see a bunch of whirling dervishes, which is a group of people in long flowing robes spinning around as part of a religious ritual. They also learn that everyone except Ron and Kelly will be getting $477 for the leg. They find the train station with no problem. The whirling dervishes are neat, and Uchenna and Joyce describe the ritual as "magical." They grab their next clue, which tells them to fly to London and find the zebra crossing made famous by a Beatles album. Anyone with enough trivial knowledge to tackle the games on the back of a Froot Loops box should know that this is Abbey Road. They come up with the name easily, and head for the airport.
11:57 PM. Meredith and Gretchen leave the mat. Wow, they bled a lot of time last week. They head for the train station while Uchenna and Joyce are just arriving at the airport. They find a Turkish Air direct flight to London leaving at 8:30 AM and arriving at 10:30 AM. They decide to book the tickets, but look for better ones while they're waiting. Meredith and Gretchen find the whirling dervishes, whom they call "wonderful", and head for the airport. They have absolutely no clue what the Beatles' album name is. Oy. What do Meredith and Gretchen do with their time? Stare at the walls?
12:37 AM. Rob and Amber depart. As he reads the clue, he refers first to the "devrish" (BZZZZZT!!!), then changes his mind to "devish" (BZZZZZT!!!). But hey, that's mean. He's just mispronouncing it. It's not as if he's insulted them. At least not until 20 seconds later. In the cab to the train station, Rob and Amber try to puzzle out what a dervish is. Rob surmises that it is a topless woman, and the cab driver gives the most awesome eye-roll in the world. When they get to the train station, they describe the ritual as "spooky." Shut up, Rob and Amber. It'd be like if they went to the Vatican and were all like "Nuns? Those are those broads who dress up like penguins and symbolically cannibalize their dead husband, right? Hahahahah!!!" There is not enough time left on Earth for me to enumerate all of the reasons why I detest Rob, but this is sure one of them. If other cultures are so inferior and horrible and beneath you, why go on a race around the world? Oh, because then you wouldn't have a camera in your face all the time, and we can't have that. Anyway, Meredith and Gretchen arrive at the airport and book the same tickets Uchenna and Joyce did.
12:53 AM. Ron and Kelly depart. Cripes, how long did Ron spend on top of that fort? Literally five seconds off the mat, and they're sniping already; something completely innocuous about how slippery the rocks are. They successfully beg money from the locals. I love this show, but they need to rework a few things, and this non-elimination penalty is one of the big ones. 1) Taking a team's money has never, ever, ever had the slightest effect on their standing later, making the penalty essentially pointless. 2) Watching the begging segment is really boring. 3) There's something very ooky about people from a wealthy country who can apparently afford to take a few months off work to compete in a game show asking for money from hard-working citizens of countries who aren't as well off. I don't know what penalty to suggest in its place, but change it. Now.
Rob and Amber know about Abbey Road. In their cab on the way to the airport, Rob shows the cabbie a piece of paper with "go fast" written in Turkish. That's a smart idea. Mental note for if I ever apply. Ron and Kelly get to the train station, and Kelly describes it being "like a dream." I think she's hit it. The spinners are very ethereal. They head to the airport, too. At the airport, Rob and Amber book the same tickets as everyone else, but then ask to use the internet, and discover another flight. This one is a Lufthansa flight leaving Istanbul at 5:50 AM and connecting through Frankfurt. The Frankfurt flight leaves at 8:20 AM, and gets into London at 9:00 AM, a full hour and a half before the other one. The only hitch is it's sold out, so they'd have to get on standby. They decide to chance it, and ask the agent not to let anyone else use the internet. Man, they're incapable of doing something that would make me respect them without adding on some asshole move that makes me wish they'd get hit with a brick. They decide to flaunt their original tickets to trick the other teams. Because trickery surrounding airline tickets worked so well for them last week.
Ron and Kelly arrive at the airport and book the direct flight tickets. Kelly asks to borrow the agent's lipstick which is a) gross and b) ineffective. No amount of lipstick's gonna cover up those zits, Kelly. Also, Meredith approaches and gives them some money in return for when he and Gretchen were on the business end of a non-elimination mugging. Sweet! As they leave the counter, Kelly spots the Frankfurt flight on a nearby monitor, and after researching it, decide to take the risk. Wow, good job with that fake ticket, Rob and Amber! I hear now that Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen learned of the connection too, but did not want to risk not getting a ticket in Frankfurt, but they don't show this on screen, so we're supposed to assume that they don't know about it. There's some suspense in the Frankfurt airport, but ultimately both lead teams are able to get onto the flight. I have to admit, that was well played, except for the attempt to manipulate other teams. Ray and Deana aren't here anymore, Rob. It's not gonna work.
London! I love London. I only spent a week there, but what a week. The Lufthansa flight carrying Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly lands, and Rob/Amber get a slight lead, so they're able to catch a subway to Paddington Station ahead of Ron/Kelly. On the train, Rob and Amber meet Stuart, a very nice young man who's willing to do everything for them for the rest of the day. Yep, here's something else that needs changing about this show. They find the Abbey Road clue, which directs them to the London Eye, a gigantic ferris wheel. They have to purchase a ticket, go up in the air, and spot a flag under which will be their next clue. Ron and Kelly find the Abbey road clue, too, and are right behind them. When they get to the London Eye, they have a tiny spat about where the ticket counter is located. Up in the air, Kelly says she'll look for the flag after she gets an apology from Ron. Shut up, bitch. It'd serve you right if you lost the race because you had to throw this twenty-second hissy fit. Rob spots the clue, and Ron spots it soon after. When they get to the clue, they learn that it's this week's Detour.
The choice? Brains vs. Brawn. In Brains, you solve a series of riddles that will eventually lead you to 221B Baker Street, the home of Sherlock Holmes. In Brawn, you go to Battersea Park and move 5 160-pound boats. Rob and Amber choose Brains, then relax as Stuart takes them to all the places they need to go. Ron and Kelly choose Brains also, but fall a bit behind because they're actually doing their own work. The nerve! The flight carrying Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen is just now landing. Ouch. They learn that they other teams have been through, and are not happy about it. As the lead teams continue with their Detour, Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen get to the Abbey Road clue and then to the London Eye one. Meredith and Gretchen are a bit slow about it, as usual, so Uchenna and Joyce pull a bit ahead. Pretty much what you'd expect.
Rob and Amber hand their riddles to a man playing Sherlock Holmes. Hmm, I'm pretty sure Sherlock Holmes wasn't supposed to be 109 years old. He hands over the next clue, which tells them to go to the Millennium Dome. Stuart takes off, so Rob and Amber bemoan the fact that they're alone. Yeah, I'll be sure to bitterly weep into my pillow for you guys. Meanwhile, at the London Eye, Joyce spots the flag, followed by Meredith. Ron and Kelly find Sherlock, and make the decision to take a taxi to the Dome instead of the subway. Turns out to be a bad idea, as London is snarled with traffic. Uchenna and Joyce decide to take Brawn. In the best example this episode of Uchenna (perhaps unknowingly) imitating the locals, he walks up to a hotel doorman and says "Might you summon a cab for us?" in a lilting British accent. Hehe. I'm surprised he didn't tack on a "Hip, hip, cheerio!" at the end. Meredith and Gretchen also decide to take Brawn. Huh? What on Earth possessed them to do that? Last week, Gretchen could barely pull herself up a rope ladder and now she wants to move 800 pounds worth of boat? That was dumb.
Speaking of dumb, Rob and Amber arrive at the Millennium Dome and find the final Yield of the race. They decide to Yield Ron and Kelly. Again....huh? That has absolutely no benefit for them, except if they're trying to solidify a first-place finish. That's nice and all, but at this point, the goal is not coming in first; it's not coming in last. This decision has no effect except allowing the other teams to possibly catch up with Ron and Kelly. What they should have done, though it wouldn't have made me happy, is Yield the already lagging Uchenna and Joyce to try to knock them out of the competition so they'd be up against Meredith and Gretchen in the final three. Dumb. At any rate, they open the clue. Roadblock. This Roadblock is something out of my nightmares. You have to drive a (manual transmission) double-decker bus through a course that has a lot of curves in it. If you hit one of the cones, you have to start all over. When you're through the course, you have to back the bus into a parking space. No matter how bad anyone does at this task, it isn't even conceivable that they'd do as poorly as I would. I'd be at this all night, and probably attempt suicide after a while. Amber's not confident in her abilities to drive a stick, so Rob takes the Roadblock. He rolls over a cone, and the whistle blows. "What'd I hit?" he yells. A little girl on a tricycle. What the fuck do you think you hit?
Ron and Kelly are still stuck in their taxi. Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen are tackling Brawn, and it looks exhausting. Yep, I probably would have gone with Brains, but I'm a nerd who gets off on puzzles, so I'm not the best judge of which Detour choice was better. On Rob's 4th attempt, he successfully finishes the course. That is extremely impressive. Kudos. They take off for the pit stop: Potter's Field Park, right across from Tower Bridge. I've been there! Ron and Kelly arrive at the Yield. That taxi ride took forever. Uchenna and Joyce wrap up the Detour, and Uchenna attempts to help Meredith and Gretchen haul one of their boats. Awww. That's sweet, but it's against the rules, so he and Joyce take off for the Dome. They get the information from a nearby cabbie that it'd be much faster to take the tube at this time of day. I love you, Honest Taxi Driver. Meredith and Gretchen finally finish, and hop in a cab. Well, we know where this is going. Or not going. Back at the Yield, to their credit, Ron and Kelly aren't making all sorts of judgments about Rob and Amber's personalities because they Yielded them (right, Christie?). To even more of their credit, they're passing the time drawing cartoon mustaches and blackened teeth on Rob and Amber's picture. That's pretty much the first time I've liked Kelly, ever. It won't last. The Yield expires, and Kelly takes the Roadblock. Probably not the wisest choice, but Ron's taken five already, so it makes sense that she do it.
Rob and Amber arrive at the pitstop. Welcome, you are Team #1. The greeter is insanely hot. Well, the accent helps. Call me, greeter! Amber agrees with me, telling him he looks very nice. Dump that loser, Amber, and start something up with the greeter. Hmm, I guess that means he wouldn't call me, though, so never mind. Stick with your homophobic asshole fiancee with the annoying accent. Rob and Amber win an entertainment system for coming in first. Of course they do. Joyce and Uchenna have come in first twice, once after Joyce shaved all her hair off. What did they win? Nothing. Lynn and Alex came in first after being one of the few teams to take on that task that involved ingesting four pounds of meat. What did they win? Nothing. Rob and Amber have come in first several times, and to date have won: A trip to Monte Carlo, a trip to London, a trip to the Bahamas, and now this. There have been whispers of the game being fixed so that they can win all this shit, which I highly doubt. I think it's a coincidence. An irritating, horrible coincidence. They should totally give that entertainment system to Stuart.
Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Roadblock, and Joyce takes it. Meredith and Gretchen come in some time later, which Ron notes by saying "Here comes the old couple". Ron, you're the final four teams. I think it's time to learn their names. Everyone sucks at the driving. Everyone yells at each other while the amusing Oompah Music of People Screwing Up honks merrily in the background. Ron makes a dumbass comment about teaching women how to drive that stopped being funny two seconds after it was invented. In 1959. Kelly finally finishes the detour on her 7th attempt. Again, far better than I'd ever do. She and Ron fight some more in the cab to the pit stop. Poor CBS. They so wanted this POW/pageant queen to be the All-American couple. People we could take pride in, and who represent all of our fine American values. Instead, we got a shrill, ugly harpy and her beleaguered boyfriend who can't stand her, and is getting pissier with each passing minute he's forced to spend with her. America!
Joyce finishes on her 5th attempt. Meredith finishes on his 7th attempt. They try to make it seem that Meredith and Gretchen are hot on Uchenna and Joyce's heels, but the sun doesn't lie. It is seriously pitch black as Meredith finishes the Roadblock, while it's still twilight as Uchenna and Joyce make their way to the pitstop. Ron and Kelly check in as Team #2. They hate each other. Yawn. There's some back and forth about who will be next, but it's pretty obvious. Uchenna and Joyce make it as Team #3. Whew.
Aw. Here come Meredith and Gretchen. They are the last team to arrive, and they are eliminated. They talk about how incredible the journey has been, and how much they love one another. Phil calls them an inspiration. Can't argue with that. I could have done with about 80% less screeching from Gretchen over the course of the race, and the only reason they made it this far is due to massive screwups by other teams. Still, they seem like good people overall, and they gave it their best. It was definitely their time, though. The final three teams do the traditional pissing match interviews about how they're going to win.
Next week on the season finale of The Amazing Race: Ron and Kelly fight. Really? Rob and Amber get stopped by the cops, and Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire. Please win, Uchenna and Joyce. I'll be your best friend! And not just for the money!
Overall Grade: C+
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