America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 10
Oh, Bre. And after I defended you last week. Well, let's get this over with. And by "this", I mean the whole season. I'm done.
This week there were some challenges about remaining calm and still for stretches of time. But the challenges are really just the background for a huge spat spanning the entire episode. Bre convinces herself (with no proof) that Nicole stole one of her granola bars, so she pours out all of Nicole's energy drinks, then tries to claim some sort of moral high ground. Um, no. She, Kim, and Nicole have giant blowout fights, and everyone's right, and everyone's wrong, and by this point there's nobody left to root for but Nike.
In the end, Bre and Kim land in the bottom two, and although Bre is now exposed as a hypocritical brat, she does look better in pictures, so Kim will be taking the walk of shame. Yes, I did totally call when she'd be cut several weeks ago. You're so kind to remember!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
The Girl Who Talks Behind Everyone's Back
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 9
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kim landed herself on Veronica Mars. The show, that is, not the character, which must have been disappointing for her. Fugly Lisa advised us all to eat a cookie. Jayla and Nicole found themselves in the bottom two, but nobody was eliminated. Instead, all the girls are off to London. Six girls still remain. Somebody had better be eliminated tonight.
Bel Air. Jayla and Nicole confessionalize that being in the bottom two sucks. Thanks, girls. Everyone is excited to go to London as they pack their bags. So off we go! Oh, wait. They're not going to London yet. First, they're going to have a visit from Jenny Shimizu. I've never heard of her, but apparently, she's an offbeat kind of model because she's tattooed and gay and such. Kim's thrilled to meet her. I wish I could say the same. I mean, she seems perfectly nice, but as with all the "Girls, meet somebody special!" segments, it's really fucking boring. Plus, Jenny just kind of fell into modeling, so she doesn't have much helpful advice for them.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Guess not. Instead, we watch Kim tell Fugly Lisa that she looks old (well, thirty - but the two are one and the same in that household), then shit-talks her when she leaves the room. Jeez, what a bitch. Bre interviews that she's noticed Kim gossiping about everyone, and hopes that everyone will leave all that crap behind when they go to London. Good luck with that, Bre. The girls get some Tyra Mail that tells them to be prepared to meet their ghosts from the past.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nope. Instead, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at some studio or other where they meet some Entertainment Tonight talking head. He tells the girls that as the winner of America's Next Top Model, they will be a celebrity; followed everywhere by people desperate for a picture of them. I want to laugh, but that's equal parts hilarious and insulting. Do the producers really think we'll buy that? Naima can hardly get four people to come to Walgreen's to get an autograph from her, and they want us to think that these girls will be viciously stalked by paparazzi? Right. Talking Head also tells the girls that there has been a photographer following them around, which they haven't noticed. He shows the girls bad photos that have been taken of them, and tells them to be READY AT ALL TIMES for someone to take their picture. Sorry to shout at you, but he really wants to emphasize that point. READY AT ALL TIMES. Calm down, dude.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Instead, here's Kim and Nicole, you guessed it, shit-talking the other girls. I like a good joke at someone else's expense as much as the next guy, but this is just plain nasty. Kim comes and plays the harmonica for her best friend, Nicole. Well, best friend now that Sarah and Coryn and Kyle are gone. Hope you don't mind being a last resort, Nicole. Kim plays a sad little tune symbolizing Nicole's almost elimination, and a happy jig at the thought of Jayla's elimination. It's no Peter and the Wolf, but it'll suffice. Bre is still unhappy about the way Kim talks about everyone. She interviews that she's afraid the second she leaves the room, Kim is making fun of her. It's a valid point, though I don't think we've ever seen Kim say anything about Bre on-camera. Less valid is that Bre and Jayla complain about the backstabbers by...backstabbing them out on the smokers' patio. You can tell Bre is getting more and more upset about the whole Kim situation. There's even some patented Sassy Black Girl Finger Waving going on. Bitches gonna throw down!
Commercials. Watch Veronica Mars! Now with 100% less Kim!
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Bre and Nike sit around in various states of undress while Nike talks to her friend Visa on the phone. Bre, Nik, and Visa. I swear I'm not making any of these names up. Whatever happened to names like Katherine and Meredith? I swear. Anyway, Kim happens by, takes the phone from Nike and proceeds to actually insult Nike to her friend while Nike is sitting right there. This shit ain't right. Kim needs a beatdown. Fugly Lisa is anxious to get to London. God, me too. Some Tyra Mail awaits that tells them they have to get a photo taken before they leave. Arrrrgh! Nicole is looking forward to leaving because of all the crazy shit that's happening in the house. Um, does Nicole realize that the people causing the crazy shit are going with her? She is dumb as a post.
The next bit is boring. The girls are dropped at a "passport photo place" and meet the "passport photographer" so they can get their pictures taken for their "passports". Uh, huh. Yeah, they're getting their picture taken for a passport on the way to the airport. I totally believe that. Stop insulting my intelligence, Tyra. Anyway, the "passport photo" is a challenge about readiness or some such shit and Bre is randomly judged the winner. OK, then. She (and Nike) will get a prize in London. If they ever fucking get there! But first, the photographer product places some phone that can play video. Each of the girls has a message from home, but the only one worth mentioning is Jayla's, because she's got a freaky ass lookin' boyfriend. Yikes. Looks like the Unabomber and Adam Goldberg had a baby.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Instead, Bre and Nike whisper some more about Kim in the Monster Humvee. Kim hears them, and asks what they're talking about, and the fight is on. Bre and Nike confront Kim about her talking about the other girls. Kim denies talking about "everyone", which is...not really the point, there, Kim. Bre masterfully brings up some examples about Kim making fun of Jayla, which of course spurs Jayla on to tearfully attack Kim. Bre is an evil genius, y'all. Fugly Lisa is once again just happy to not be the target for once. Kim is getting more and more flustered, because somebody's finally calling her on her crap behavior. Nicole tries to calm the others, but gets shouted down. As a way of defending Kim, Nicole points out that everyone talks about everyone. It's true (for instance, where was Nike with this talk when Jayla slagged her?), but it's also true that Nicole is kind of Kim's cohort, so she's not exactly a paragon of virtue, either. Kim insists that she's never talked about Bre, but Bre's not buying it. Bre is getting sanctimonious here, which is unattractive, but she's essentially right. They appear to make up, but it looks like that's mostly for show, since Bre is interviewing about not being anyone's puppet and how she keeps her enemies close. Awkward little scene, there.
Commercials. Not even my love of Target will induce me to buy Choxie. Even the name makes me feel a little ill.
Now, off to London! Yes! We're there! The music is a dance remix of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". Because Mozart was so British. Miss J picks the girls up in a double decker bus and takes them on a tour of London. Sigh. I love London. Miss J drops the girls at a stunningly beautiful hotel, and gives them the room key. As the girls round a corner to enter the hotel, they are swarmed by "paparazzi". Come the fuck on, people. Embarrassing them for a challenge is fine. Expecting the audience to be taken in by this is not. The hotel room is beautiful, of course. Remember the cramped room the Cycle One girls had to share when they went to Paris? Ooh, I'll bet Robin is spitting mad as she watches this. From hell.
Two very charming English gentlemen come to pick up Bre and Nike for dinner as the reward for the whole passport photo thing. They eat. They talk. It's boring. I love me some charming English gentlemen, though. Mmmm. Back at the hotel, Kim has written an apology note to Nike. That's sweet (although again, as with Coryn's apology to Fugly Lisa, a face-to-face one would have meant much more). Of course, Kim then complains to Nicole that Nike and Bre "have the wrong impression" of her, which is not true. They have Kim dead to rights, and Kim's humiliated by that. That evening's Tyra Mail includes the word "call" and tells them to be ready at 7:30 the next morning. Yuck. The girls will still be all jet-lagged then. Nike and Bre find the apology letter. Kim is convinced everyone's in a live-and-let-live kind of mood. She's wrong.
Morning. Time for the photo shoot. OJ tells them that London is a paparazzi haven and that they have to be READY AT ALL TIMES to have their picture taken. Oh, good God. We get it! Even if it were true, we'd get it, and it's not! OJ makes up some bullshit trying to explain why they're forcing this latest torture on the girls: the photo shoot will be all six of them crammed into a phone booth. Heh. So, the girls will be semi-naked and covered with newspaper. Fair enough. OJ introduces the photographer, Nick, and the girls go into hair and makeup. The girls complain, but eventually all get into the booth. Bre's in the front first. Fugly Lisa farts. Ew. Fugly Lisa rotates to the front. Nike rotates to the front. Kim rotates to the front. Nicole rotates to the front. Jayla rotates to the front. The end. Tyra Mail back at the hotel announces that elimination looms, and Bre once again interviews about how she's gonna take her competition down. Yawn.
Commercials. A man walks out of his house and parasails down to his car. Buy this car! Why? Um...because that guy just parasailed to it! It must be good!
Our introduction to the English Chamber of Doom is a shot of Tyra and the two Jays warding off paparazzi. I'd like to meet a single person that's interested in a photo of OJ. Actually, I'd be interested in a photo of OJ, but only if I get a homemade voodoo kit first. Prizes blah. Judges blah. The guest judge is the photographer, Nick. The final challenge is actually the shot of the girls taken outside of the hotel. They'll be judged on their worst shot. Kim's up first. Her bad shot is, indeed, pretty bad. Did she get those sunglasses at Chuck E. Cheese's? Her phone booth picture is great, though. She really is learning to pose better. Bre. Nigel says the bad shot isn't so bad, but I don't like it. She looks like she's sneering. She's pretty as always in her phone booth shot, but I find it a little bland. The judges love it, though. Fugly Lisa. The bad shot is horrific. The phone booth one is good, though. Twiggy calls it the best photograph she's seen of Lisa. Nicole. I grow more and more bored with her by the week. She always looks the same. Her bad shot's not that bad, and her good shot's not that good. Zzzz. Tyra agrees with me. Jayla. Her bad shot's actually not bad at all, though I'm certainly not feeling those faux Jackie O. sunglasses. She doesn't look too bad in the phone booth shot, but it's not very commanding, either. In fact, as Nigel points out, your attention really goes to Fugly Lisa off to the side rather than Jayla. Not good. Nike. Her bad shot sucks. She needs to buy prettier glasses. Girls in glasses can be devastatingly beautiful, so why they insist on buying Harriet the Spy frames is beyond me. Her phone booth shot is lovely, though Tyra feels she turns to the side too much. I'd say she just knows her strengths is all.
Commercials. Walk the Line. Wait for DVD.
Deliberations. The judges feel that although Fugly Lisa has taken good photographs, her personality is too brash. They feel she won't get hired with her in-your-face attitude (read: girlfriend pissed herself on purpose last week). Tyra brags about getting a job based on her passport photo. We don't care, Tyra. Maybe I'm just bitter because my passport photo looks like I've been brought in on charges of soliciting sheep. Nobody likes Jayla. Elimination. Kim is safe. Bre. Nicole. Nike. Would Fugly Lisa and Jayla please step forward. Once again, I feel like this one's way too easy. Fugly Lisa has looked better than Jayla in every single photo shoot to date. Plus, Jayla's been edited as the villain, so it's about her time to go. Tyra gives each girl their criticisms. Fugly Lisa is too annoying. Jayla's too ugly. And...Jayla gets her photo, so Fugly Lisa is cut. Well, fuck! Who would have thought I'd be sorry to see her go? And yet I am. On first viewing, I was really angry and thought this elimination was unfair, but I knew there was no way in hell Lisa was going to win this season, so she may as well go now, even if it means I have to put up with Jayla some more. Fugly Lisa dredges up some class on the way out, interviewing that she tried her best. I'll say. We flash back not only on her photos, which have been remarkable, but on her crazy-ass behavior. I do have to say, I've liked Fugly Lisa. I've hated Fugly Lisa. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked pretty. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked...well, fugly. I've thought Fugly Lisa was a bitch who deserved to be belittled. I've thought Fugly Lisa was an unfair target of criticism. But there's one thing I'm sure of, and that is that Fugly Lisa is the star of Season 5. No question. And no doubt she finds comfort in that. Take care, you wackjob.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Nicole is attacked by birds. Well, you knew she had that coming after that whole "birds are blind" speech. Kim and Bre fight some more. Kick her ass, Bre!
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kim landed herself on Veronica Mars. The show, that is, not the character, which must have been disappointing for her. Fugly Lisa advised us all to eat a cookie. Jayla and Nicole found themselves in the bottom two, but nobody was eliminated. Instead, all the girls are off to London. Six girls still remain. Somebody had better be eliminated tonight.
Bel Air. Jayla and Nicole confessionalize that being in the bottom two sucks. Thanks, girls. Everyone is excited to go to London as they pack their bags. So off we go! Oh, wait. They're not going to London yet. First, they're going to have a visit from Jenny Shimizu. I've never heard of her, but apparently, she's an offbeat kind of model because she's tattooed and gay and such. Kim's thrilled to meet her. I wish I could say the same. I mean, she seems perfectly nice, but as with all the "Girls, meet somebody special!" segments, it's really fucking boring. Plus, Jenny just kind of fell into modeling, so she doesn't have much helpful advice for them.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Guess not. Instead, we watch Kim tell Fugly Lisa that she looks old (well, thirty - but the two are one and the same in that household), then shit-talks her when she leaves the room. Jeez, what a bitch. Bre interviews that she's noticed Kim gossiping about everyone, and hopes that everyone will leave all that crap behind when they go to London. Good luck with that, Bre. The girls get some Tyra Mail that tells them to be prepared to meet their ghosts from the past.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nope. Instead, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at some studio or other where they meet some Entertainment Tonight talking head. He tells the girls that as the winner of America's Next Top Model, they will be a celebrity; followed everywhere by people desperate for a picture of them. I want to laugh, but that's equal parts hilarious and insulting. Do the producers really think we'll buy that? Naima can hardly get four people to come to Walgreen's to get an autograph from her, and they want us to think that these girls will be viciously stalked by paparazzi? Right. Talking Head also tells the girls that there has been a photographer following them around, which they haven't noticed. He shows the girls bad photos that have been taken of them, and tells them to be READY AT ALL TIMES for someone to take their picture. Sorry to shout at you, but he really wants to emphasize that point. READY AT ALL TIMES. Calm down, dude.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Instead, here's Kim and Nicole, you guessed it, shit-talking the other girls. I like a good joke at someone else's expense as much as the next guy, but this is just plain nasty. Kim comes and plays the harmonica for her best friend, Nicole. Well, best friend now that Sarah and Coryn and Kyle are gone. Hope you don't mind being a last resort, Nicole. Kim plays a sad little tune symbolizing Nicole's almost elimination, and a happy jig at the thought of Jayla's elimination. It's no Peter and the Wolf, but it'll suffice. Bre is still unhappy about the way Kim talks about everyone. She interviews that she's afraid the second she leaves the room, Kim is making fun of her. It's a valid point, though I don't think we've ever seen Kim say anything about Bre on-camera. Less valid is that Bre and Jayla complain about the backstabbers by...backstabbing them out on the smokers' patio. You can tell Bre is getting more and more upset about the whole Kim situation. There's even some patented Sassy Black Girl Finger Waving going on. Bitches gonna throw down!
Commercials. Watch Veronica Mars! Now with 100% less Kim!
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Bre and Nike sit around in various states of undress while Nike talks to her friend Visa on the phone. Bre, Nik, and Visa. I swear I'm not making any of these names up. Whatever happened to names like Katherine and Meredith? I swear. Anyway, Kim happens by, takes the phone from Nike and proceeds to actually insult Nike to her friend while Nike is sitting right there. This shit ain't right. Kim needs a beatdown. Fugly Lisa is anxious to get to London. God, me too. Some Tyra Mail awaits that tells them they have to get a photo taken before they leave. Arrrrgh! Nicole is looking forward to leaving because of all the crazy shit that's happening in the house. Um, does Nicole realize that the people causing the crazy shit are going with her? She is dumb as a post.
The next bit is boring. The girls are dropped at a "passport photo place" and meet the "passport photographer" so they can get their pictures taken for their "passports". Uh, huh. Yeah, they're getting their picture taken for a passport on the way to the airport. I totally believe that. Stop insulting my intelligence, Tyra. Anyway, the "passport photo" is a challenge about readiness or some such shit and Bre is randomly judged the winner. OK, then. She (and Nike) will get a prize in London. If they ever fucking get there! But first, the photographer product places some phone that can play video. Each of the girls has a message from home, but the only one worth mentioning is Jayla's, because she's got a freaky ass lookin' boyfriend. Yikes. Looks like the Unabomber and Adam Goldberg had a baby.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Instead, Bre and Nike whisper some more about Kim in the Monster Humvee. Kim hears them, and asks what they're talking about, and the fight is on. Bre and Nike confront Kim about her talking about the other girls. Kim denies talking about "everyone", which is...not really the point, there, Kim. Bre masterfully brings up some examples about Kim making fun of Jayla, which of course spurs Jayla on to tearfully attack Kim. Bre is an evil genius, y'all. Fugly Lisa is once again just happy to not be the target for once. Kim is getting more and more flustered, because somebody's finally calling her on her crap behavior. Nicole tries to calm the others, but gets shouted down. As a way of defending Kim, Nicole points out that everyone talks about everyone. It's true (for instance, where was Nike with this talk when Jayla slagged her?), but it's also true that Nicole is kind of Kim's cohort, so she's not exactly a paragon of virtue, either. Kim insists that she's never talked about Bre, but Bre's not buying it. Bre is getting sanctimonious here, which is unattractive, but she's essentially right. They appear to make up, but it looks like that's mostly for show, since Bre is interviewing about not being anyone's puppet and how she keeps her enemies close. Awkward little scene, there.
Commercials. Not even my love of Target will induce me to buy Choxie. Even the name makes me feel a little ill.
Now, off to London! Yes! We're there! The music is a dance remix of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". Because Mozart was so British. Miss J picks the girls up in a double decker bus and takes them on a tour of London. Sigh. I love London. Miss J drops the girls at a stunningly beautiful hotel, and gives them the room key. As the girls round a corner to enter the hotel, they are swarmed by "paparazzi". Come the fuck on, people. Embarrassing them for a challenge is fine. Expecting the audience to be taken in by this is not. The hotel room is beautiful, of course. Remember the cramped room the Cycle One girls had to share when they went to Paris? Ooh, I'll bet Robin is spitting mad as she watches this. From hell.
Two very charming English gentlemen come to pick up Bre and Nike for dinner as the reward for the whole passport photo thing. They eat. They talk. It's boring. I love me some charming English gentlemen, though. Mmmm. Back at the hotel, Kim has written an apology note to Nike. That's sweet (although again, as with Coryn's apology to Fugly Lisa, a face-to-face one would have meant much more). Of course, Kim then complains to Nicole that Nike and Bre "have the wrong impression" of her, which is not true. They have Kim dead to rights, and Kim's humiliated by that. That evening's Tyra Mail includes the word "call" and tells them to be ready at 7:30 the next morning. Yuck. The girls will still be all jet-lagged then. Nike and Bre find the apology letter. Kim is convinced everyone's in a live-and-let-live kind of mood. She's wrong.
Morning. Time for the photo shoot. OJ tells them that London is a paparazzi haven and that they have to be READY AT ALL TIMES to have their picture taken. Oh, good God. We get it! Even if it were true, we'd get it, and it's not! OJ makes up some bullshit trying to explain why they're forcing this latest torture on the girls: the photo shoot will be all six of them crammed into a phone booth. Heh. So, the girls will be semi-naked and covered with newspaper. Fair enough. OJ introduces the photographer, Nick, and the girls go into hair and makeup. The girls complain, but eventually all get into the booth. Bre's in the front first. Fugly Lisa farts. Ew. Fugly Lisa rotates to the front. Nike rotates to the front. Kim rotates to the front. Nicole rotates to the front. Jayla rotates to the front. The end. Tyra Mail back at the hotel announces that elimination looms, and Bre once again interviews about how she's gonna take her competition down. Yawn.
Commercials. A man walks out of his house and parasails down to his car. Buy this car! Why? Um...because that guy just parasailed to it! It must be good!
Our introduction to the English Chamber of Doom is a shot of Tyra and the two Jays warding off paparazzi. I'd like to meet a single person that's interested in a photo of OJ. Actually, I'd be interested in a photo of OJ, but only if I get a homemade voodoo kit first. Prizes blah. Judges blah. The guest judge is the photographer, Nick. The final challenge is actually the shot of the girls taken outside of the hotel. They'll be judged on their worst shot. Kim's up first. Her bad shot is, indeed, pretty bad. Did she get those sunglasses at Chuck E. Cheese's? Her phone booth picture is great, though. She really is learning to pose better. Bre. Nigel says the bad shot isn't so bad, but I don't like it. She looks like she's sneering. She's pretty as always in her phone booth shot, but I find it a little bland. The judges love it, though. Fugly Lisa. The bad shot is horrific. The phone booth one is good, though. Twiggy calls it the best photograph she's seen of Lisa. Nicole. I grow more and more bored with her by the week. She always looks the same. Her bad shot's not that bad, and her good shot's not that good. Zzzz. Tyra agrees with me. Jayla. Her bad shot's actually not bad at all, though I'm certainly not feeling those faux Jackie O. sunglasses. She doesn't look too bad in the phone booth shot, but it's not very commanding, either. In fact, as Nigel points out, your attention really goes to Fugly Lisa off to the side rather than Jayla. Not good. Nike. Her bad shot sucks. She needs to buy prettier glasses. Girls in glasses can be devastatingly beautiful, so why they insist on buying Harriet the Spy frames is beyond me. Her phone booth shot is lovely, though Tyra feels she turns to the side too much. I'd say she just knows her strengths is all.
Commercials. Walk the Line. Wait for DVD.
Deliberations. The judges feel that although Fugly Lisa has taken good photographs, her personality is too brash. They feel she won't get hired with her in-your-face attitude (read: girlfriend pissed herself on purpose last week). Tyra brags about getting a job based on her passport photo. We don't care, Tyra. Maybe I'm just bitter because my passport photo looks like I've been brought in on charges of soliciting sheep. Nobody likes Jayla. Elimination. Kim is safe. Bre. Nicole. Nike. Would Fugly Lisa and Jayla please step forward. Once again, I feel like this one's way too easy. Fugly Lisa has looked better than Jayla in every single photo shoot to date. Plus, Jayla's been edited as the villain, so it's about her time to go. Tyra gives each girl their criticisms. Fugly Lisa is too annoying. Jayla's too ugly. And...Jayla gets her photo, so Fugly Lisa is cut. Well, fuck! Who would have thought I'd be sorry to see her go? And yet I am. On first viewing, I was really angry and thought this elimination was unfair, but I knew there was no way in hell Lisa was going to win this season, so she may as well go now, even if it means I have to put up with Jayla some more. Fugly Lisa dredges up some class on the way out, interviewing that she tried her best. I'll say. We flash back not only on her photos, which have been remarkable, but on her crazy-ass behavior. I do have to say, I've liked Fugly Lisa. I've hated Fugly Lisa. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked pretty. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked...well, fugly. I've thought Fugly Lisa was a bitch who deserved to be belittled. I've thought Fugly Lisa was an unfair target of criticism. But there's one thing I'm sure of, and that is that Fugly Lisa is the star of Season 5. No question. And no doubt she finds comfort in that. Take care, you wackjob.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Nicole is attacked by birds. Well, you knew she had that coming after that whole "birds are blind" speech. Kim and Bre fight some more. Kick her ass, Bre!
Overall Grade: C+
How's That Face Feel?
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 8
The Weavers suck.
The Weavers come in last.
The Weavers are saved by non-elimination.
Fuck this season.
Overall Grade: D-
The Weavers suck.
The Weavers come in last.
The Weavers are saved by non-elimination.
Fuck this season.
Overall Grade: D-
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The Girl Whose Boyfriend Is Cheating on Her
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 8
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Well, really it was a clip show, but the producers pretend that's not the case and tell us what happened two weeks ago. Fugly Lisa got dirty. Kim got girly. Kyle got eliminated. Boo! She was so the prettiest contestant. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight? Because, you know, somebody totally will be!
Bel Air. Kyle Mail! She's left a note wishing all the remaining girls luck. Kim cries in the confessional because she and Kyle were such good friends (read: Kim unloaded a bunch of crap, and Kyle listened to it). Bre is also upset because she was in the bottom two. Hey, yeah! She had no business there, either! What the crap was Tyra thinking? Fugly Lisa interviews that the other girls are considering her more of a threat now. I don't like how self-impressed Fugly Lisa is, but she's probably right. Tyra Mail! Somehow, the girls figure out just from the word "diva" that they'll be meeting Eva, the winner of Cycle 3. They're all excited, especially Bre, who's the most extroverted I've ever seen her as she rushes off to do her hair. Hee.
The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a studio called Poodle Parlor. It's official. All the good names for businesses are taken, so people have to resort to shit like that now. Eva is getting her picture taken in a not-at-all-staged-by-the-show photo shoot. Man, she doesn't even look like herself anymore. There are some magazine editors present as well. One of them is named Samara, and has long, dark hair, so she'll probably be crawling out of televisions to kill everyone any second now. Woo! That ought to spice up this episode. Kim and Nike laugh about how Kim has a little crush on Eva. Aw. Eva introduces the concept of entourages. One of her entourage members is her cousin. Ouch for him. After the "photo shoot", Eva sits down to answer the girls' questions. Oh, holy hell, she has an honest-to-God lap dog with her. Does she think she's Joan Crawford? None of the questions or answers are worth revisiting, of course.
After Eva takes off, Fugly Lisa wanders around and talks to various crew people standing around. Everyone looks totally bored. Here's a hint, Tyra. When the people on-screen are bored, think about the poor audience at home watching them be bored. Fugly Lisa interviews that talking to these people could be useful for her career (she calls it "networking"), but it's obvious she's just trying to kill some time. I doubt Eva's cousin is really going to be her springboard into the world of high fashion.
Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa interviews that the air is thick with tension, so to lessen the pressure, she dresses up as this kind of trucker meets prostitute person and walks around talking to the girls. None of them are amused. I am, though. She even goes into the confessional and does an interview (in the trucker/prostitute character, of course) about how the other girls need to lighten up. Hehe. That was awesome. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa has "lost her damn mind". Man, these girls do need to lighten up.
Commercials. I don't want kids ever, but that commercial where the baby presses the "M" on the learning pad thingy, and then says "Mama" tugs at my heartstrings. The mother's like 43, though. They couldn't have gotten a younger actress?
Tyra Mail. It's typically nonsensical. The Monster Humvee takes them to the "fashion district" of LA. Is there a fashion district? That's not what they call a bunch of clothing stores in a row, is it? Because I'd call that a mall. The girls are taken to another studio. Kim is wearing another goddamned striped sailor shirt. I'm more sick of those than I am of the airbrushed tank tops I still catch a glimpse of from time to time. I do like the return of Jayla's Italy shirt, though. What? It's a cool shirt! I'm wasting time describing the girls' outfits, because the next segment is a total bore. Basically, the girls select an entourage of their own, select makeup and clothes and whatnot, and also create a collage that helps express what's unique about them. They then present them for a prize. Simple, right? Really, though, it's just an excuse to show a guy from Cover Girl wandering around extolling the virtues of several products. I'm just going to skip all that crap.
That evening, the girls go to yet another studio for the presentation. There's a flunky there who says that they'll be presenting their collages to Benny Medina, who's apparently a big deal. I will soon know that at least Benny Medina thinks Benny Medina is a big deal. The flunky tells them that whoever exhibits the most star power will win a guest shot on this week's episode of Veronica Mars. Yes, I see a hand in the back. Uh, huh. The question is what on God's green Earth do collages have to do with demonstrating "star power"? The answer is "nothing". Thanks for a great question. On to the challenge! Nike's up first. She barely gets her name out of her mouth before Benny becomes a complete asshole towards her. In fact, he's like that with all the girls, so let's just hit the salient points with this equally boring segment. All of the collages look like something you'd find at a fourth-grade girl scout meeting. Oh, I wish I hadn't typed that, because now I'm craving Girl Scout cookies. Damn. Fugly Lisa actually works herself up into tears during her presentation. She seems a bit overwhelmed by the prize at stake. Of course none of the clothes, makeup, or hair the girls had factored into the challenge at all, so thanks for wasting our time with that crap, show. Anyway, Kim is randomly judged the winner. Whatever.
Well, they say bad things come in threes, so let's have our third boring segment in a row. Kim goes to the set of Veronica Mars. She reads her lines. And.....scene! Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa passive-aggressively tells Kim she's happy for her win. Kim reports this to us via confessional at which Nicole is randomly present as well. Thanks for explaining that to us, show. I'm not sure I would have made the logical leap without the interview.
Commercials. I love Old Navy jeans, but this newest commercial is so vapid and insulting that I may have to boycott them, and fulfill my denim needs elsewhere.
Photo shoot. OJ explains that the girls will get to act all mad and cut loose for the photo. Fugly Lisa smiles because she knows this is right up her alley. OJ also introduces the girls to the photographer, Nadia, who's wearing ugly glasses in an unsuccessful attempt to look hip. After some hair and makeup work, the girls are also introduced to the agents that will be causing the anger in their shots; the MTV wildboyz. You'll forgive me for not knowing who these gentlemen are. MTV hasn't really been my thing since...well, I think the last time I watched MTV, Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" video was playing, so there you go. Bre does her best sassy black chick voice as she tells one of them (the dwarf - dwarf is a PC term, right? I just have to avoid "midget"?) that she thinks he's going to be a problem. He tries to joke back with her, but she gives him the stone-face. Oooh, you don't mess with Bre.
Begin! Fugly Lisa's up first. Her scenario is finding the boys putting on her makeup. OK, then. She actually embraces the "crazy lady" persona a little too heartily. She needs to remember that she's still got to pose for the camera. Bre's scenario is that she's wrapped in a towel, and the boys have stolen her underwear. She's OK, but really gets the good shots when she becomes actually pissed that the boys start flinging panties in her face. Not that I expect her to thank them for it or anything, because...panties in the face. Nicole's scenario is that she's caught the boys (as her boyfriends) cheating on her with Kim. HAHAHAHA! BECAUSE KIM'S GAY!!!! GET IT? Whatever. Anyway, Nicole sucks, because she's laughing through the whole thing. Jayla's scenario is that the boys are feeding her dog pizza. She's not allowed to really scream, because she might frighten the dog. Well, that's kind of unfair. She does the best she can with her silent shrieks. Nike's scenario is that the boys have stolen her dresses. She screams as the boys jump up and down behind her. What she doesn't know is that with each leap, one of the boys' dicks flops out, which makes everyone laugh. Also a bit unfair. That's distracting! Oh, whatever. It's like a massive whatever just hangs over this entire episode. Kim's scenario is that she's mad that the boys are...jumping into the pool. WHATEVER.
After the shoot, the boys start paying attention to Nicole. Fugly Lisa, sensing the spotlight is not on her, comes into the room wearing the guys' underwear fashioned into a bulky diaper. Everyone's on to her game, even the boys, who call her "so Fatal Attraction". Yowch. Bre, in the highlight of the episode, goes outside, leans over to Jayla, and says "Why is she wearing a diaper, again?" Jayla: "I don't know." Bre: "OK, just thought I'd ask." Then, Fugly Lisa pees herself. On purpose. Mission accomplished. Attention gotten. Now, I'd like to ask her a question. Do you think Tyra is going to allow the winner of this season to be The Girl Who Pissed Herself For a Laugh? Bre nails it again when she says that no model would do something as disgusting as pee on herself at her job. Hey, yeah! I was just viewing it in terms of the show and the competition, but in a way, these photo shoots are the girls' job, which makes Fugly Lisa's stunt even more crass. There's a million interviews that boil down to the fact that the other girls think she's gross and crazy. She's not crazy, she's just an attention whore. Gross, I won't dispute.
Commercials. Shut up, Papa John. I like your garlic sauce, but that doesn't mean I need your overexcited ass on my TV.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow, the girls meet with the judges and only five will continue on. Someone's getting eliminated. Well, we have no reason to doubt the Tyra Mail. Everyone's nervous. We go into the Chamber of Doom on a pretty disturbing shot of Tyra being tended to by her entourage. Why do we have to hear the prizes every damn week? The judges are introduced, along with guest judge Nadia, the photographer this week. The final challenge is to take a product and do poses with it. The items are toothpaste (print model), sunglasses (high fashion editorial) and chocolate (television endorsement). Nicole's typically flaky. Fugly Lisa's typically overexcited. Everyone else does fine. Well, they don't do fine with the chocolate endorsement. Most of the girls suck at it. Except Bre. Bre does a sultry voiceover about the chocolate, and just blows the judges away. Nigel even closes his eyes. Attagirl! What's even more brilliant is that after she's done, she screws her face up in disgust and says "I hate chocolate." Hah!
Photo deliberations. Nadia's put on the ugly glasses again. Girl, you can find more attractive frames at fucking Lenscrafters. Get on it. Jayla. The judges aren't thrilled with her product challenge, and say that her photo looks like a blow-up doll. They're totally right. Ugh. Nike. She did so-so at the product challenge, but her photo is great. She manages to be pretty and yet still look like she's screaming mad. Kim. Also so-so on the challenge. I'm surprised at how good her photo is. The judges like it, too. Fugly Lisa. As the judges discuss her product challenge, there's an obvious overdub just so that Tyra can show a shot of herself from earlier modeling days. Jeez, Tyra. You're a model, you've got this show, and you've got a talk show. Need we feed the ego this much? Her photo is not very good, which is just as surprising as Kim's good shot. You'd think Fugly Lisa would nail this photo shoot. But she's gone too far in being angry, and it doesn't translate well for the picture. Bre. The judges love, love, love her product challenge, though they give her some shit for trying to cover up her kind of working-class personality. Wow, that's almost as insulting as when they cut Diane for not having a "plus-size personality". Shut up, judges. They do love her photo, though. Nicole. She gets a solid meh on all counts.
Commercials. I'm not surprised Wendy's is running an entire line of ads playfully suggesting that you can hypnotize people into doing your bidding with their burgers. It's not as if they could sell them based on flavor or nutritional value.
Deliberations. Nadia says point blank that Fugly Lisa could never be a model. Tyra tries to speak up for her personality (that'd be the drunk, pee herself for a laugh personality), but Nadia remains firm. There's a shot of Twiggy saying that she loves the way Jayla looks, and I can almost swear that she's actually saying it about one of the other girls (she never uses Jayla's name), and that the editors put that in so that it looks like not all of the judges were all "ew". Just a hunch on my part. Tyra says that they've reached a decision, and that it's "strange". Hmm. "Elimination". Bre is safe. Yay! Kim is safe. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Would Jayla and Nicole please step forward? Oh, please let it be Jayla going home. Tyra criticizes both of them (fairly - neither of them did well this week), and tells them that both of them must pack their bags. At this point, I'm surprised, but willing to see Nicole go down if it means Jayla goes as well. But they're not packing their bags for elimination! They're going to London! All six of them! Nobody is eliminated! A few of those fuzzy-hatted guards come out. There's red, white, and blue confetti. There's a hilarious shot of Nicole looking extremely unamused that Tyra pulled this trick on her. Everyone dances around (including the guards). Nobody fades out.
Well, fuck. We finally came thisclose to getting rid of Jayla, and she gets to stay? Boo. Plus, how is this decision "strange"? It obviously came about because of Cassandra's exit from the competition. The producers were left with a certain amount of episodes and not enough girls to fill them. Solution? Don't eliminate anybody one week. I don't know how I'd feel about this fakeout if it weren't Jayla on the chopping block, but as it is? I'm not a fan.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Kim's gossip habit blows up in her face. Sounds good.
Overall grade: C-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Well, really it was a clip show, but the producers pretend that's not the case and tell us what happened two weeks ago. Fugly Lisa got dirty. Kim got girly. Kyle got eliminated. Boo! She was so the prettiest contestant. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight? Because, you know, somebody totally will be!
Bel Air. Kyle Mail! She's left a note wishing all the remaining girls luck. Kim cries in the confessional because she and Kyle were such good friends (read: Kim unloaded a bunch of crap, and Kyle listened to it). Bre is also upset because she was in the bottom two. Hey, yeah! She had no business there, either! What the crap was Tyra thinking? Fugly Lisa interviews that the other girls are considering her more of a threat now. I don't like how self-impressed Fugly Lisa is, but she's probably right. Tyra Mail! Somehow, the girls figure out just from the word "diva" that they'll be meeting Eva, the winner of Cycle 3. They're all excited, especially Bre, who's the most extroverted I've ever seen her as she rushes off to do her hair. Hee.
The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a studio called Poodle Parlor. It's official. All the good names for businesses are taken, so people have to resort to shit like that now. Eva is getting her picture taken in a not-at-all-staged-by-the-show photo shoot. Man, she doesn't even look like herself anymore. There are some magazine editors present as well. One of them is named Samara, and has long, dark hair, so she'll probably be crawling out of televisions to kill everyone any second now. Woo! That ought to spice up this episode. Kim and Nike laugh about how Kim has a little crush on Eva. Aw. Eva introduces the concept of entourages. One of her entourage members is her cousin. Ouch for him. After the "photo shoot", Eva sits down to answer the girls' questions. Oh, holy hell, she has an honest-to-God lap dog with her. Does she think she's Joan Crawford? None of the questions or answers are worth revisiting, of course.
After Eva takes off, Fugly Lisa wanders around and talks to various crew people standing around. Everyone looks totally bored. Here's a hint, Tyra. When the people on-screen are bored, think about the poor audience at home watching them be bored. Fugly Lisa interviews that talking to these people could be useful for her career (she calls it "networking"), but it's obvious she's just trying to kill some time. I doubt Eva's cousin is really going to be her springboard into the world of high fashion.
Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa interviews that the air is thick with tension, so to lessen the pressure, she dresses up as this kind of trucker meets prostitute person and walks around talking to the girls. None of them are amused. I am, though. She even goes into the confessional and does an interview (in the trucker/prostitute character, of course) about how the other girls need to lighten up. Hehe. That was awesome. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa has "lost her damn mind". Man, these girls do need to lighten up.
Commercials. I don't want kids ever, but that commercial where the baby presses the "M" on the learning pad thingy, and then says "Mama" tugs at my heartstrings. The mother's like 43, though. They couldn't have gotten a younger actress?
Tyra Mail. It's typically nonsensical. The Monster Humvee takes them to the "fashion district" of LA. Is there a fashion district? That's not what they call a bunch of clothing stores in a row, is it? Because I'd call that a mall. The girls are taken to another studio. Kim is wearing another goddamned striped sailor shirt. I'm more sick of those than I am of the airbrushed tank tops I still catch a glimpse of from time to time. I do like the return of Jayla's Italy shirt, though. What? It's a cool shirt! I'm wasting time describing the girls' outfits, because the next segment is a total bore. Basically, the girls select an entourage of their own, select makeup and clothes and whatnot, and also create a collage that helps express what's unique about them. They then present them for a prize. Simple, right? Really, though, it's just an excuse to show a guy from Cover Girl wandering around extolling the virtues of several products. I'm just going to skip all that crap.
That evening, the girls go to yet another studio for the presentation. There's a flunky there who says that they'll be presenting their collages to Benny Medina, who's apparently a big deal. I will soon know that at least Benny Medina thinks Benny Medina is a big deal. The flunky tells them that whoever exhibits the most star power will win a guest shot on this week's episode of Veronica Mars. Yes, I see a hand in the back. Uh, huh. The question is what on God's green Earth do collages have to do with demonstrating "star power"? The answer is "nothing". Thanks for a great question. On to the challenge! Nike's up first. She barely gets her name out of her mouth before Benny becomes a complete asshole towards her. In fact, he's like that with all the girls, so let's just hit the salient points with this equally boring segment. All of the collages look like something you'd find at a fourth-grade girl scout meeting. Oh, I wish I hadn't typed that, because now I'm craving Girl Scout cookies. Damn. Fugly Lisa actually works herself up into tears during her presentation. She seems a bit overwhelmed by the prize at stake. Of course none of the clothes, makeup, or hair the girls had factored into the challenge at all, so thanks for wasting our time with that crap, show. Anyway, Kim is randomly judged the winner. Whatever.
Well, they say bad things come in threes, so let's have our third boring segment in a row. Kim goes to the set of Veronica Mars. She reads her lines. And.....scene! Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa passive-aggressively tells Kim she's happy for her win. Kim reports this to us via confessional at which Nicole is randomly present as well. Thanks for explaining that to us, show. I'm not sure I would have made the logical leap without the interview.
Commercials. I love Old Navy jeans, but this newest commercial is so vapid and insulting that I may have to boycott them, and fulfill my denim needs elsewhere.
Photo shoot. OJ explains that the girls will get to act all mad and cut loose for the photo. Fugly Lisa smiles because she knows this is right up her alley. OJ also introduces the girls to the photographer, Nadia, who's wearing ugly glasses in an unsuccessful attempt to look hip. After some hair and makeup work, the girls are also introduced to the agents that will be causing the anger in their shots; the MTV wildboyz. You'll forgive me for not knowing who these gentlemen are. MTV hasn't really been my thing since...well, I think the last time I watched MTV, Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" video was playing, so there you go. Bre does her best sassy black chick voice as she tells one of them (the dwarf - dwarf is a PC term, right? I just have to avoid "midget"?) that she thinks he's going to be a problem. He tries to joke back with her, but she gives him the stone-face. Oooh, you don't mess with Bre.
Begin! Fugly Lisa's up first. Her scenario is finding the boys putting on her makeup. OK, then. She actually embraces the "crazy lady" persona a little too heartily. She needs to remember that she's still got to pose for the camera. Bre's scenario is that she's wrapped in a towel, and the boys have stolen her underwear. She's OK, but really gets the good shots when she becomes actually pissed that the boys start flinging panties in her face. Not that I expect her to thank them for it or anything, because...panties in the face. Nicole's scenario is that she's caught the boys (as her boyfriends) cheating on her with Kim. HAHAHAHA! BECAUSE KIM'S GAY!!!! GET IT? Whatever. Anyway, Nicole sucks, because she's laughing through the whole thing. Jayla's scenario is that the boys are feeding her dog pizza. She's not allowed to really scream, because she might frighten the dog. Well, that's kind of unfair. She does the best she can with her silent shrieks. Nike's scenario is that the boys have stolen her dresses. She screams as the boys jump up and down behind her. What she doesn't know is that with each leap, one of the boys' dicks flops out, which makes everyone laugh. Also a bit unfair. That's distracting! Oh, whatever. It's like a massive whatever just hangs over this entire episode. Kim's scenario is that she's mad that the boys are...jumping into the pool. WHATEVER.
After the shoot, the boys start paying attention to Nicole. Fugly Lisa, sensing the spotlight is not on her, comes into the room wearing the guys' underwear fashioned into a bulky diaper. Everyone's on to her game, even the boys, who call her "so Fatal Attraction". Yowch. Bre, in the highlight of the episode, goes outside, leans over to Jayla, and says "Why is she wearing a diaper, again?" Jayla: "I don't know." Bre: "OK, just thought I'd ask." Then, Fugly Lisa pees herself. On purpose. Mission accomplished. Attention gotten. Now, I'd like to ask her a question. Do you think Tyra is going to allow the winner of this season to be The Girl Who Pissed Herself For a Laugh? Bre nails it again when she says that no model would do something as disgusting as pee on herself at her job. Hey, yeah! I was just viewing it in terms of the show and the competition, but in a way, these photo shoots are the girls' job, which makes Fugly Lisa's stunt even more crass. There's a million interviews that boil down to the fact that the other girls think she's gross and crazy. She's not crazy, she's just an attention whore. Gross, I won't dispute.
Commercials. Shut up, Papa John. I like your garlic sauce, but that doesn't mean I need your overexcited ass on my TV.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow, the girls meet with the judges and only five will continue on. Someone's getting eliminated. Well, we have no reason to doubt the Tyra Mail. Everyone's nervous. We go into the Chamber of Doom on a pretty disturbing shot of Tyra being tended to by her entourage. Why do we have to hear the prizes every damn week? The judges are introduced, along with guest judge Nadia, the photographer this week. The final challenge is to take a product and do poses with it. The items are toothpaste (print model), sunglasses (high fashion editorial) and chocolate (television endorsement). Nicole's typically flaky. Fugly Lisa's typically overexcited. Everyone else does fine. Well, they don't do fine with the chocolate endorsement. Most of the girls suck at it. Except Bre. Bre does a sultry voiceover about the chocolate, and just blows the judges away. Nigel even closes his eyes. Attagirl! What's even more brilliant is that after she's done, she screws her face up in disgust and says "I hate chocolate." Hah!
Photo deliberations. Nadia's put on the ugly glasses again. Girl, you can find more attractive frames at fucking Lenscrafters. Get on it. Jayla. The judges aren't thrilled with her product challenge, and say that her photo looks like a blow-up doll. They're totally right. Ugh. Nike. She did so-so at the product challenge, but her photo is great. She manages to be pretty and yet still look like she's screaming mad. Kim. Also so-so on the challenge. I'm surprised at how good her photo is. The judges like it, too. Fugly Lisa. As the judges discuss her product challenge, there's an obvious overdub just so that Tyra can show a shot of herself from earlier modeling days. Jeez, Tyra. You're a model, you've got this show, and you've got a talk show. Need we feed the ego this much? Her photo is not very good, which is just as surprising as Kim's good shot. You'd think Fugly Lisa would nail this photo shoot. But she's gone too far in being angry, and it doesn't translate well for the picture. Bre. The judges love, love, love her product challenge, though they give her some shit for trying to cover up her kind of working-class personality. Wow, that's almost as insulting as when they cut Diane for not having a "plus-size personality". Shut up, judges. They do love her photo, though. Nicole. She gets a solid meh on all counts.
Commercials. I'm not surprised Wendy's is running an entire line of ads playfully suggesting that you can hypnotize people into doing your bidding with their burgers. It's not as if they could sell them based on flavor or nutritional value.
Deliberations. Nadia says point blank that Fugly Lisa could never be a model. Tyra tries to speak up for her personality (that'd be the drunk, pee herself for a laugh personality), but Nadia remains firm. There's a shot of Twiggy saying that she loves the way Jayla looks, and I can almost swear that she's actually saying it about one of the other girls (she never uses Jayla's name), and that the editors put that in so that it looks like not all of the judges were all "ew". Just a hunch on my part. Tyra says that they've reached a decision, and that it's "strange". Hmm. "Elimination". Bre is safe. Yay! Kim is safe. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Would Jayla and Nicole please step forward? Oh, please let it be Jayla going home. Tyra criticizes both of them (fairly - neither of them did well this week), and tells them that both of them must pack their bags. At this point, I'm surprised, but willing to see Nicole go down if it means Jayla goes as well. But they're not packing their bags for elimination! They're going to London! All six of them! Nobody is eliminated! A few of those fuzzy-hatted guards come out. There's red, white, and blue confetti. There's a hilarious shot of Nicole looking extremely unamused that Tyra pulled this trick on her. Everyone dances around (including the guards). Nobody fades out.
Well, fuck. We finally came thisclose to getting rid of Jayla, and she gets to stay? Boo. Plus, how is this decision "strange"? It obviously came about because of Cassandra's exit from the competition. The producers were left with a certain amount of episodes and not enough girls to fill them. Solution? Don't eliminate anybody one week. I don't know how I'd feel about this fakeout if it weren't Jayla on the chopping block, but as it is? I'm not a fan.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Kim's gossip habit blows up in her face. Sounds good.
Overall grade: C-
Thursday, November 10, 2005
The Girl Who Stepped on the Pretty Flowers
America's Next Top Model - Season 5 Bonus Episode
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Actual new content. This week, we've been faked out and tricked into watching a clip show so that people can catch up. I'd complain that there aren't likely to be new viewers that need this additional information, but then, I started watching Cycle 4 when it was down to about six girls, so I guess I should shut my fat yap.
Rather than recapping things I've already written about, I think I'll just mostly touch on the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.] Being anal-retentive rocks!
We open on some shots of Tyra. You know, Tyra's often way too impressed with herself, but I do have to say that she knows how to rock a photograph. We are briefly hurdled back in time to see Adrianne (who I like a lot less now these days than I did when she was on the show), Yoanna (who?), Eva (who deserved to win, but whose My Life As A CoverGirl spots really got on my last nerve), and Naima (yay!) win their various cycles. We also see some of the horrifically awful audition tapes that opened this cycle, only this time I can put some names with the faces. That girl I called out as a tramp-oline back in episode 1? Jayla. Shocking.
[36 women were cut down to thirteen. Remember Nicole begging on her knees to be chosen? Ew. She's come a long way. We also get to relive the heartache of Redheaded Regina, who I still wish would have been chosen. Really, she would have been more interesting than Coryn, for God's sake. Plus, I could have called her Redgina! Ah, what might have been.]
[A jerky-looking Robin Leach ushered the girls into the model pad. Not jerky in the "mean" sort of way. Jerky in the "beef" sort of way. Kim's gay.]
Cassandra flicks water from her toothbrush onto Kyle. Kyle's all like "What the hell?" Cassandra jokes that she likes to pick on Kyle because she's too cute, and brings up the titular line about how when she sees a really pretty flower, she just wants to step on it. This is a good example of the editors trying their damnedest to make Cassandra look like a bitch, and failing. Yeah, that comment's a bit...disturbing, in its way, but Cassandra is clearly kidding around, and she flicked, like, two drops of water onto Kyle. Kyle doesn't even seem to care that much, though Kim looks furious. Lighten up, Kim. [We also get that awesome line about how psychopaths can kill without emotion that has been, to date, the one time someone rendered Fugly Lisa speechless. Sweet.]
Ashley brags about her experience with fashion and such. She gives some pretty accurate predictions on what the girls will have for their makeovers, actually. Oh, except when she predicts what they'll do to her. Mwahahahaha! She babbles on and on about her hair. Nicole hates her guts, and this is still at the point where Nicole was no Mary Likable herself, so take from that what you will.
[The girls did that stupid, boring fashion show with Nate Dogg as the narrator, and Sarah tripped so much, you'd think she was on acid.] Why they didn't include what follows in the original episode is beyond me, because it would have made the fashion show infinitely more interesting. Apparently Jayla, who has known Kim for all of two days, walks up to her, pokes her in the stomach, and says something like "Girl, you need to suck in that stomach." She claims in an interview that she was kidding, but so what? Telling someone you just met that they're fat is acceptable if you're joking? Not so much. Kim is not amused. [But, of course, that was the night that Sarah sprang across the Monster Humvee and made out with her, so that probably cheered her up.]
Back at the house, a bird has invaded the model pad. Kyle opines that he's blind, because all he does is run into stuff. Nicole says that all birds are blind. Kyle gets a hilarious look on her face, like "this girl is a moron", but politely says "Are you sure?". Nicole rambles on and on that she knows birds are blind because they're always almost running into cars and stuff, but they can sense where they are through hearing or whatever. I'm glad Nicole's trying to break into modeling, because somehow I doubt she'd go far in the field of, say, biochemistry. Kyle gently tries to disabuse her of this notion by saying that she was sure that her pet bird could see. Nicole responds that maybe it's just the outside birds that are blind. The entire purpose of this scene? Nicole is kind of dumb. Heh.
[Superhero photo shoot.] Ebony and Nicole shit-talk Cassandra. Jayla shit-talks Diane. Now, this is an interesting situation, because in the former, I feel like the editors are trying to make us feel sorry for Ebony and Nicole in a "Isn't Cassandra annoying?" kind of way. In the latter, they're trying to make us feel sorry for Diane in a "Isn't Jayla a bitch?" kind of way. It's a subtle shift, but I still feel like it's there. Of course, I totally agree that Jayla's a bitch, but again, instead of seeing Cassandra engaging in annoying behavior, all we hear is second-hand opinion that someone thinks she's annoying. It makes me think that they're trying to portray Cassandra as way more obnoxious than she really is, and that's really unfair. [Ashley sucks at the photo shoot.] Back at the model pad, Jayla continues her mean streak. Even Nicole interviews that Jayla has no social graces. Ouch. That would be like Carrot Top calling someone annoying. Not only that, but Fugly Lisa tells Jayla that she says things faster than she thinks about it. I think the universe just imploded. Jayla does that "accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" speech that didn't work when the Weavers gave it on The Amazing Race, and doesn't work now. The point isn't for other people to adapt to your bitchiness. The point is for you to stop being such a goddamn bitch. [Ashley was cut.]
Commercials. I've read some really interesting articles and had some fascinating conversations with people lately about Rent. We're supposed to identify and sympathize with this group of friends, who, in the final analysis, refuse to get jobs to pay their rent, because they're such sensitive artistes. Regular jobs are beneath them. As a musical, it's great (and hopefully the movie will be too), but if these were real life people? I'd probably snort at them in disgust.
Coryn has brought along a fart machine to the model pad. I guess that's why there was no room for the eyebrow tweezers. She wants to try and trick the girls into thinking she's really farting. It looks like the only one she suckers is Nicole. Shocker. The whole segment is really juvenile, but I have to admit I giggled through it. I'm not made of stone! [Time for the makeovers. Oh, dear. I don't think anyone has to see this again. It's all burned into our brains. Tyra brings up the fact that at one time, each girl was supposed to have their own personal style that they'd use throughout the competition. Man, am I glad they dropped that idea. Cassandra gets all her hair chopped off and looks terrible, while Kyle looks completely amazing. *sniff* I miss Kyle.] Jayla again tries to kid with Kim (this time about her makeover), and it again comes out as sounding completely bitchy. She whinily interviews that the other girls don't "get" her sense of humor. Well then maybe you ought to stop "joking". Besides, I thought Jayla didn't care what people thought of her. Wasn't that the point of the whole "people have to get used to the shit I say, because I'm not changing" speech? You can be a rude loner or you can whine about inability to cultivate friends, Jayla. Not both.
[Cassandra cries and cries about her hair. The other girls get fed up with her. Girl-of-the-country photo shoot. Ebony sucks.] Fugly Lisa tries to play with the horse and it bucks out of her grip. Heh. Back at the house, Jayla shows off her six-inch stiletto heels. Yowch. Reason #4,593,935 I'm glad I'm not female. She hilariously interviews that she doesn't have one set best friend in the house, that she "tries to be cool with everybody." Um, Jayla? Try harder. In this segment, Bre has her hair tied up in a bandana, and is trying to walk on Jayla's shoes, so it almost looks like Aunt Jemima is working the catwalk. Cripes. In the confessional, Nicole and Ebony make fun of Jayla. Man, Nicole and Ebony are vicious when they get together. Jayla then makes the following two statements consecutively: In an interview: "Towards the end of the night, I just want to go to bed; I want everyone to just leave me alone." In bed, talking to Nike, who's standing in the doorway: "I'm sick of having to, like, butt in on everybody's conversations. Nobody ever comes to me. No-one ever wants to talk to me." Wow, let's delve into this psychosis, shall we? 1) Look at those two statements together. Yeah. 2) Hmm, maybe people would come talk to her if she WEREN'T SUCH A RANCID ASS, which she was just bragging about. 3) Who's the one sympathetically nodding her head in the doorway? Who's the one listening to Jayla unload her problems? Nike. How does Jayla repay her? By stealing her secret, then referring to Nike as a stupid, stupid bitch. Wow, I hate Jayla. I'm seriously running out of ways to call her a bitch. I need an insult thesaurus. Let's watch another example of her twisted logic! The girls are doing stripper dances in the kitchen. Jayla complains in an interview that she's not in the mood to join in. Then she joins in by running around topless (though she was just saying she wanted people to leave her alone so she could go to bed). Then she interviews that she's so, so glad she did something funny that wasn't taken the wrong way. What color is the sky in Jayla's world? Do the trains run on time? [Ebony was cut.]
Commercials. Heh, there's an ad for a local community college, which makes me wonder if Nicole should fill out an application. But who knows? She might win this season. It's not out of the realm of possibility.
[Tyra joins the girls for dinner.] They're joined by an ugly drag queen. They do model walks. Tyra walks too. Kim is impressed. [The girls did their poolside walking challenge. Sarah sucks.] Nicole is exposed as a nail-biter. The bird is back in the model pad. Kyle is on the phone, explaining that they named him Mr. Bojangles. He flies around. The girls scream a lot. This part is really boring. Oh! Except that while the girls are shrieking, Jayla's in the confessional. She hears them screaming, and gives the camera a look like "please shoot me in the head right now." Hahahaha! That was hilarious, and was my first liking Jayla moment, ever. [Cassandra complains some more about her hair. The girls did the runway challenge where there was a rotating platform. Sue Wong uses the non-word "gracefulness", which I didn't notice until just now. Stop making up words, Sue Wong. English is in enough danger as it is. Sarah sucked some more. Sarah and Kim make out and possibly do it. Fashion witch photo shoot. Cassandra refused to cut her hair further and was cut (or quit).] Cassandra leaves the rest of the girls a note wishing them luck. The other girls are semi-sympathetic, but Kyle makes the valid point that she should have expected it, and that her spot in the competition could have gone to a girl that really wanted to be there. Like Redgina! Sorry, I just like typing that. Redgina! Jayla bitches that she had a much better attitude than Cassandra about the hair cutting, which is true, but then, Jayla's hair didn't look like molten puke when they were done, so she can go back to shutting up. Bre points out that the other girls don't really care about Cassandra's leaving, because they have selfish intentions. Ouch. [Sarah was cut.]
Commercials. When the ad for Derailed comes on, my good movie radar pings, but I may be getting a false positive from Clive Owen's hotness. Stupid good-looking actors always throw the radar out of whack. That's how I got tricked into watching Closer.
[Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves by giving unsolicited advice. Especially Coryn. The girls did their critiques of each other, which only fueled Coryn's hatred of Fugly Lisa.] Kim plays harmonica. All right, then. It's kind of dumb, except when she sneaks up on Bre and blows a note right behind her. And, when she uses the harmonica to punctuate making fun of Nigel. Hehehe. [Fake plastic surgery photo shoot with Janice. Diane was cut.] Kim jokes that she's the new plus-sized model of the group. Jeez. We'll use this as Exhibit A the next time Tyra tries to give the girls a PSA about eating disorders, because while I love this show, promoting healthy body image it does not.
[Firming-mask fake promotion with that obnoxious, unamusing "comedian". Fugly Lisa does dumb dance moves. Coryn makes a comment about it that the cameras inexplicably miss, but it sparks the Coryn/Fugly Lisa fight again, which leads to the priceless "You're basically presenting yourself like a moron." "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" exchange. Fugly Lisa gets drunk and talks to plants.] The other girls sit out on the patio and discuss her drinking. Bre says that the worst thing you can do when you get stressed is to put a substance in your body that you become dependent on. She's smoking as she says this. I'll leave it at that. [Commercial/photo shoot/interview challenge. Jayla (maybe) steals Nike's secret and (definitely) becomes a super-duper mega bitch towards her afterwards.] Nicole and Fugly Lisa dress up in wacky outfits. The editing's wonky here, because there's a shot of Fugly Lisa not dressed up yet, but the point is to show Nicole suggesting that they invite Coryn to join them, but Fugly Lisa says that'll never happen. Then, we cut to Coryn writing out some notes on an index card. Someone asks what it is, and it's an apology for calling Fugly Lisa names earlier. Aw. Bre commends her, and while I'd prefer a face to face apology, that was nice of her. She leaves the note on Fugly Lisa's pillow. Fugly Lisa does forgive Coryn, and even gives her a smooch on the side of the head, that Bre tries to take a picture of. Aw again. So that's resolved. [Of course, Coryn was cut about three minutes later. Jayla spouts some more bullshit in the confessional about how mean Nike is for...not calling Jayla out for stealing her line. Yeah, I don't know.]
Commercials. I love me some Meryl Streep, but Prime looks terrible. Would someone else see it and tell me how it is? Thanks.
[Tyra does the black and white close-up shot.] Fugly Lisa feels cooped up in the model pad, so she goes completely wild. Scenes of her running around the house. Scenes of her acting up in the confessional. ['40s pinup girl photo shoot.] Pillow fight in the Monster Humvee. [Kyle was cut. Waaaaaah!!!!! Don't remind me.] Now six girls remain: Jayla, the "rebel Jehovah's witness". Huh, I guess "Jayla, the fucking asshole" would have been too incendiary for network TV. Nicole, "the baby-faced student". "Of ornithology" is notably left off the end. Nike, "the silent threat", which makes her sound like a fart. Kim, "the tomboy". Bre, "the strong-willed Harlem girl". And, of course, Fugly Lisa, "the life of the party". The coke party, maybe.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: See last week's "next week". It's official. Now that Kyle is gone, I'm rooting for Bre. That probably means she'll be eliminated next. Oh, and one more thing: Redgina!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Actual new content. This week, we've been faked out and tricked into watching a clip show so that people can catch up. I'd complain that there aren't likely to be new viewers that need this additional information, but then, I started watching Cycle 4 when it was down to about six girls, so I guess I should shut my fat yap.
Rather than recapping things I've already written about, I think I'll just mostly touch on the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.] Being anal-retentive rocks!
We open on some shots of Tyra. You know, Tyra's often way too impressed with herself, but I do have to say that she knows how to rock a photograph. We are briefly hurdled back in time to see Adrianne (who I like a lot less now these days than I did when she was on the show), Yoanna (who?), Eva (who deserved to win, but whose My Life As A CoverGirl spots really got on my last nerve), and Naima (yay!) win their various cycles. We also see some of the horrifically awful audition tapes that opened this cycle, only this time I can put some names with the faces. That girl I called out as a tramp-oline back in episode 1? Jayla. Shocking.
[36 women were cut down to thirteen. Remember Nicole begging on her knees to be chosen? Ew. She's come a long way. We also get to relive the heartache of Redheaded Regina, who I still wish would have been chosen. Really, she would have been more interesting than Coryn, for God's sake. Plus, I could have called her Redgina! Ah, what might have been.]
[A jerky-looking Robin Leach ushered the girls into the model pad. Not jerky in the "mean" sort of way. Jerky in the "beef" sort of way. Kim's gay.]
Cassandra flicks water from her toothbrush onto Kyle. Kyle's all like "What the hell?" Cassandra jokes that she likes to pick on Kyle because she's too cute, and brings up the titular line about how when she sees a really pretty flower, she just wants to step on it. This is a good example of the editors trying their damnedest to make Cassandra look like a bitch, and failing. Yeah, that comment's a bit...disturbing, in its way, but Cassandra is clearly kidding around, and she flicked, like, two drops of water onto Kyle. Kyle doesn't even seem to care that much, though Kim looks furious. Lighten up, Kim. [We also get that awesome line about how psychopaths can kill without emotion that has been, to date, the one time someone rendered Fugly Lisa speechless. Sweet.]
Ashley brags about her experience with fashion and such. She gives some pretty accurate predictions on what the girls will have for their makeovers, actually. Oh, except when she predicts what they'll do to her. Mwahahahaha! She babbles on and on about her hair. Nicole hates her guts, and this is still at the point where Nicole was no Mary Likable herself, so take from that what you will.
[The girls did that stupid, boring fashion show with Nate Dogg as the narrator, and Sarah tripped so much, you'd think she was on acid.] Why they didn't include what follows in the original episode is beyond me, because it would have made the fashion show infinitely more interesting. Apparently Jayla, who has known Kim for all of two days, walks up to her, pokes her in the stomach, and says something like "Girl, you need to suck in that stomach." She claims in an interview that she was kidding, but so what? Telling someone you just met that they're fat is acceptable if you're joking? Not so much. Kim is not amused. [But, of course, that was the night that Sarah sprang across the Monster Humvee and made out with her, so that probably cheered her up.]
Back at the house, a bird has invaded the model pad. Kyle opines that he's blind, because all he does is run into stuff. Nicole says that all birds are blind. Kyle gets a hilarious look on her face, like "this girl is a moron", but politely says "Are you sure?". Nicole rambles on and on that she knows birds are blind because they're always almost running into cars and stuff, but they can sense where they are through hearing or whatever. I'm glad Nicole's trying to break into modeling, because somehow I doubt she'd go far in the field of, say, biochemistry. Kyle gently tries to disabuse her of this notion by saying that she was sure that her pet bird could see. Nicole responds that maybe it's just the outside birds that are blind. The entire purpose of this scene? Nicole is kind of dumb. Heh.
[Superhero photo shoot.] Ebony and Nicole shit-talk Cassandra. Jayla shit-talks Diane. Now, this is an interesting situation, because in the former, I feel like the editors are trying to make us feel sorry for Ebony and Nicole in a "Isn't Cassandra annoying?" kind of way. In the latter, they're trying to make us feel sorry for Diane in a "Isn't Jayla a bitch?" kind of way. It's a subtle shift, but I still feel like it's there. Of course, I totally agree that Jayla's a bitch, but again, instead of seeing Cassandra engaging in annoying behavior, all we hear is second-hand opinion that someone thinks she's annoying. It makes me think that they're trying to portray Cassandra as way more obnoxious than she really is, and that's really unfair. [Ashley sucks at the photo shoot.] Back at the model pad, Jayla continues her mean streak. Even Nicole interviews that Jayla has no social graces. Ouch. That would be like Carrot Top calling someone annoying. Not only that, but Fugly Lisa tells Jayla that she says things faster than she thinks about it. I think the universe just imploded. Jayla does that "accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" speech that didn't work when the Weavers gave it on The Amazing Race, and doesn't work now. The point isn't for other people to adapt to your bitchiness. The point is for you to stop being such a goddamn bitch. [Ashley was cut.]
Commercials. I've read some really interesting articles and had some fascinating conversations with people lately about Rent. We're supposed to identify and sympathize with this group of friends, who, in the final analysis, refuse to get jobs to pay their rent, because they're such sensitive artistes. Regular jobs are beneath them. As a musical, it's great (and hopefully the movie will be too), but if these were real life people? I'd probably snort at them in disgust.
Coryn has brought along a fart machine to the model pad. I guess that's why there was no room for the eyebrow tweezers. She wants to try and trick the girls into thinking she's really farting. It looks like the only one she suckers is Nicole. Shocker. The whole segment is really juvenile, but I have to admit I giggled through it. I'm not made of stone! [Time for the makeovers. Oh, dear. I don't think anyone has to see this again. It's all burned into our brains. Tyra brings up the fact that at one time, each girl was supposed to have their own personal style that they'd use throughout the competition. Man, am I glad they dropped that idea. Cassandra gets all her hair chopped off and looks terrible, while Kyle looks completely amazing. *sniff* I miss Kyle.] Jayla again tries to kid with Kim (this time about her makeover), and it again comes out as sounding completely bitchy. She whinily interviews that the other girls don't "get" her sense of humor. Well then maybe you ought to stop "joking". Besides, I thought Jayla didn't care what people thought of her. Wasn't that the point of the whole "people have to get used to the shit I say, because I'm not changing" speech? You can be a rude loner or you can whine about inability to cultivate friends, Jayla. Not both.
[Cassandra cries and cries about her hair. The other girls get fed up with her. Girl-of-the-country photo shoot. Ebony sucks.] Fugly Lisa tries to play with the horse and it bucks out of her grip. Heh. Back at the house, Jayla shows off her six-inch stiletto heels. Yowch. Reason #4,593,935 I'm glad I'm not female. She hilariously interviews that she doesn't have one set best friend in the house, that she "tries to be cool with everybody." Um, Jayla? Try harder. In this segment, Bre has her hair tied up in a bandana, and is trying to walk on Jayla's shoes, so it almost looks like Aunt Jemima is working the catwalk. Cripes. In the confessional, Nicole and Ebony make fun of Jayla. Man, Nicole and Ebony are vicious when they get together. Jayla then makes the following two statements consecutively: In an interview: "Towards the end of the night, I just want to go to bed; I want everyone to just leave me alone." In bed, talking to Nike, who's standing in the doorway: "I'm sick of having to, like, butt in on everybody's conversations. Nobody ever comes to me. No-one ever wants to talk to me." Wow, let's delve into this psychosis, shall we? 1) Look at those two statements together. Yeah. 2) Hmm, maybe people would come talk to her if she WEREN'T SUCH A RANCID ASS, which she was just bragging about. 3) Who's the one sympathetically nodding her head in the doorway? Who's the one listening to Jayla unload her problems? Nike. How does Jayla repay her? By stealing her secret, then referring to Nike as a stupid, stupid bitch. Wow, I hate Jayla. I'm seriously running out of ways to call her a bitch. I need an insult thesaurus. Let's watch another example of her twisted logic! The girls are doing stripper dances in the kitchen. Jayla complains in an interview that she's not in the mood to join in. Then she joins in by running around topless (though she was just saying she wanted people to leave her alone so she could go to bed). Then she interviews that she's so, so glad she did something funny that wasn't taken the wrong way. What color is the sky in Jayla's world? Do the trains run on time? [Ebony was cut.]
Commercials. Heh, there's an ad for a local community college, which makes me wonder if Nicole should fill out an application. But who knows? She might win this season. It's not out of the realm of possibility.
[Tyra joins the girls for dinner.] They're joined by an ugly drag queen. They do model walks. Tyra walks too. Kim is impressed. [The girls did their poolside walking challenge. Sarah sucks.] Nicole is exposed as a nail-biter. The bird is back in the model pad. Kyle is on the phone, explaining that they named him Mr. Bojangles. He flies around. The girls scream a lot. This part is really boring. Oh! Except that while the girls are shrieking, Jayla's in the confessional. She hears them screaming, and gives the camera a look like "please shoot me in the head right now." Hahahaha! That was hilarious, and was my first liking Jayla moment, ever. [Cassandra complains some more about her hair. The girls did the runway challenge where there was a rotating platform. Sue Wong uses the non-word "gracefulness", which I didn't notice until just now. Stop making up words, Sue Wong. English is in enough danger as it is. Sarah sucked some more. Sarah and Kim make out and possibly do it. Fashion witch photo shoot. Cassandra refused to cut her hair further and was cut (or quit).] Cassandra leaves the rest of the girls a note wishing them luck. The other girls are semi-sympathetic, but Kyle makes the valid point that she should have expected it, and that her spot in the competition could have gone to a girl that really wanted to be there. Like Redgina! Sorry, I just like typing that. Redgina! Jayla bitches that she had a much better attitude than Cassandra about the hair cutting, which is true, but then, Jayla's hair didn't look like molten puke when they were done, so she can go back to shutting up. Bre points out that the other girls don't really care about Cassandra's leaving, because they have selfish intentions. Ouch. [Sarah was cut.]
Commercials. When the ad for Derailed comes on, my good movie radar pings, but I may be getting a false positive from Clive Owen's hotness. Stupid good-looking actors always throw the radar out of whack. That's how I got tricked into watching Closer.
[Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves by giving unsolicited advice. Especially Coryn. The girls did their critiques of each other, which only fueled Coryn's hatred of Fugly Lisa.] Kim plays harmonica. All right, then. It's kind of dumb, except when she sneaks up on Bre and blows a note right behind her. And, when she uses the harmonica to punctuate making fun of Nigel. Hehehe. [Fake plastic surgery photo shoot with Janice. Diane was cut.] Kim jokes that she's the new plus-sized model of the group. Jeez. We'll use this as Exhibit A the next time Tyra tries to give the girls a PSA about eating disorders, because while I love this show, promoting healthy body image it does not.
[Firming-mask fake promotion with that obnoxious, unamusing "comedian". Fugly Lisa does dumb dance moves. Coryn makes a comment about it that the cameras inexplicably miss, but it sparks the Coryn/Fugly Lisa fight again, which leads to the priceless "You're basically presenting yourself like a moron." "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" exchange. Fugly Lisa gets drunk and talks to plants.] The other girls sit out on the patio and discuss her drinking. Bre says that the worst thing you can do when you get stressed is to put a substance in your body that you become dependent on. She's smoking as she says this. I'll leave it at that. [Commercial/photo shoot/interview challenge. Jayla (maybe) steals Nike's secret and (definitely) becomes a super-duper mega bitch towards her afterwards.] Nicole and Fugly Lisa dress up in wacky outfits. The editing's wonky here, because there's a shot of Fugly Lisa not dressed up yet, but the point is to show Nicole suggesting that they invite Coryn to join them, but Fugly Lisa says that'll never happen. Then, we cut to Coryn writing out some notes on an index card. Someone asks what it is, and it's an apology for calling Fugly Lisa names earlier. Aw. Bre commends her, and while I'd prefer a face to face apology, that was nice of her. She leaves the note on Fugly Lisa's pillow. Fugly Lisa does forgive Coryn, and even gives her a smooch on the side of the head, that Bre tries to take a picture of. Aw again. So that's resolved. [Of course, Coryn was cut about three minutes later. Jayla spouts some more bullshit in the confessional about how mean Nike is for...not calling Jayla out for stealing her line. Yeah, I don't know.]
Commercials. I love me some Meryl Streep, but Prime looks terrible. Would someone else see it and tell me how it is? Thanks.
[Tyra does the black and white close-up shot.] Fugly Lisa feels cooped up in the model pad, so she goes completely wild. Scenes of her running around the house. Scenes of her acting up in the confessional. ['40s pinup girl photo shoot.] Pillow fight in the Monster Humvee. [Kyle was cut. Waaaaaah!!!!! Don't remind me.] Now six girls remain: Jayla, the "rebel Jehovah's witness". Huh, I guess "Jayla, the fucking asshole" would have been too incendiary for network TV. Nicole, "the baby-faced student". "Of ornithology" is notably left off the end. Nike, "the silent threat", which makes her sound like a fart. Kim, "the tomboy". Bre, "the strong-willed Harlem girl". And, of course, Fugly Lisa, "the life of the party". The coke party, maybe.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: See last week's "next week". It's official. Now that Kyle is gone, I'm rooting for Bre. That probably means she'll be eliminated next. Oh, and one more thing: Redgina!
Overall Grade: B-
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
You Look Ridiculous
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 7
Oh, goody. We get to spend two hours with these people tonight instead of the usual one. The teams jet back to the United States (specifically Arizona) to take in some desert scenery. The Weavers would still like you to know that they don't need friends on the race, then proceed to spend the rest of the episode whining about how they don't have friends. They pat themselves on the backs for being great competitors, then harangue DJ Paolo about Yielding them, which is...part of the competition. They claim to live decent, Christian lives, then try to coerce locals into impeding other teams and throw garbage out of their car window at the Pink Ladies. Why won't they go away?
The first hour ends with the Pink Ladies in first, and the Paolos narrowly edging out the Bransens, who come in last. The Paolos do, however, show some charity, and remind the Bransens to put on all their clothes before checking in. Good call, since this is a non-elimination point. In the second hour, the Pink Ladies again come in first. Those poor Linzes. This time the Bransens edge out the Paolos, who are sent packing. When you're sort of disappointed to see the Paolos go because it means the Weavers are still around, you know something's wrong with the universe.
Oh, and along the way, there are some fairly cool tasks such as doing a 360-degree roll in a plane and some fairly lame tasks, such as finding clearly visible clue boxes with a compass. The best news, however, is that my VCR cut off the second hour, so I can't go back and watch it again, which means that I can guiltlessly stop writing about this crap-ass season. Go me!
Overall Grade: C
Oh, goody. We get to spend two hours with these people tonight instead of the usual one. The teams jet back to the United States (specifically Arizona) to take in some desert scenery. The Weavers would still like you to know that they don't need friends on the race, then proceed to spend the rest of the episode whining about how they don't have friends. They pat themselves on the backs for being great competitors, then harangue DJ Paolo about Yielding them, which is...part of the competition. They claim to live decent, Christian lives, then try to coerce locals into impeding other teams and throw garbage out of their car window at the Pink Ladies. Why won't they go away?
The first hour ends with the Pink Ladies in first, and the Paolos narrowly edging out the Bransens, who come in last. The Paolos do, however, show some charity, and remind the Bransens to put on all their clothes before checking in. Good call, since this is a non-elimination point. In the second hour, the Pink Ladies again come in first. Those poor Linzes. This time the Bransens edge out the Paolos, who are sent packing. When you're sort of disappointed to see the Paolos go because it means the Weavers are still around, you know something's wrong with the universe.
Oh, and along the way, there are some fairly cool tasks such as doing a 360-degree roll in a plane and some fairly lame tasks, such as finding clearly visible clue boxes with a compass. The best news, however, is that my VCR cut off the second hour, so I can't go back and watch it again, which means that I can guiltlessly stop writing about this crap-ass season. Go me!
Overall Grade: C
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I'm Sick of Doing Stuff I Can't Do
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 6
Wait, what was that? An episode that didn't completely blow snuck into this season! How nice.
The teams leave Panama and head to Costa Rica. The Weavers have sunk so low that even the Paolos hate them, which is twenty kinds of awesome. They're so unliked that a bunch of teams literally scuffle over who gets to Yield them, with the Paolos coming out on top. The Weavers are, in fact, yielded and break down into snotty fits, and for a moment it seems like we may be rid of them at last.
But all is not well in Mudville. Tammy Gaghan struggles at the Roadblock, which allows the Weavers to pass them, and when the Gaghans can't catch up, the last eye candy on the race is sent home, along with his tearful daughter.
Hmm. I guess the episode wasn't as good as I thought.
Overall Grade: B-
Wait, what was that? An episode that didn't completely blow snuck into this season! How nice.
The teams leave Panama and head to Costa Rica. The Weavers have sunk so low that even the Paolos hate them, which is twenty kinds of awesome. They're so unliked that a bunch of teams literally scuffle over who gets to Yield them, with the Paolos coming out on top. The Weavers are, in fact, yielded and break down into snotty fits, and for a moment it seems like we may be rid of them at last.
But all is not well in Mudville. Tammy Gaghan struggles at the Roadblock, which allows the Weavers to pass them, and when the Gaghans can't catch up, the last eye candy on the race is sent home, along with his tearful daughter.
Hmm. I guess the episode wasn't as good as I thought.
Overall Grade: B-
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