The Girls Who Made It This Far

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 7

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Various pathetic bitches fought and "strutted" their "stuff" for our amusement. But just in case you missed any of it, it's time for one of those dumb clip shows. But it's not a waste of time, because there's all sorts of new content! Content apparently too lackluster to include in the original airings, but I'm sure it's going to be great! Just as I did for the last one, I'm only going to pay attention to the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.]

We naturally open on a bunch of old shots of Tyra modeling, and get a few glimpses of our girls' audition tapes. Is that Brooke standing in front of that gorgeous mansion? I can't really tell. If it is, I need to find a way to get written into her will. Um...I totally loved all of your photos, Brooke! [The girls went through their panel interview. I'm so used to Melrose as a blonde now, but she looks better with brown hair. Thirteen finalists got chosen to live in the model pad.] Tyra reminds us that tonight, we get to relive it all from the beginning. Oh, good. I was just thinking to myself how much I miss watching Monique act self-entitled.

Opening credits. I know I said I wasn't going to focus on them this season, but I do have to point out that all of the previous winners are shown, except a conspicuously absent Adrianne. Makes sense, given that Tyra hates her guts now. Hehehe. [After the commercials, we see the girls run into the model pad and rhapsodize over it. Then it was off to the first photo shoot, where the girls wore ugly clothes. Melrose won the challenge, and Megg sparked off her streak of being totally HARDCORE.] When they get back to the pad, the girls are ambushed by Charlie (a stylist) and Sutan. They make the girls bring out all of their clothing, and Charlie carries in a garbage can marked "Fashion Trash". I love how he's wearing yellow rubber gloves, despite the can clearly being brand spanking new. I also love how this is 100% ripped from What Not To Wear. I don't even watch that show, and I know it's being scammed. Maybe that's why they never showed this scene.

Charlie and Sutan start tossing things they find gross, like something CariDee's mother used to wear. Christian gets a tank top trashed. Monique loses a pair of hiiiiiiiiiiideous sparkly silver boots. Girl, they just did you a huge favor. If you wore those things out, Whitney Houston would be tapping you on the shoulder, asking you where to get the good stuff. Eugena agrees that they're ugly. I'm glad she's with me, but Eugena really needs to look into Proactiv. Sutan goes to throw away what he thinks is an ugly outfit, but turns out to just be an ugly towel. Throw it away, anyway. I'm the biggest fan of green you're likely to meet, and I still think it's nasty. Both Charlie and Sutan love Melrose's stuff, and she smarmily interviews that she made a lot of the clothing that she brought. Ah, this must be where the other girls started to hate her. Pile on the girl who didn't get her clothing trashed! Anchal has way too much shit with rhinestones on it. Kayne is probably watching this somewhere, drinking champagne and thinking "Whatever, fuckers. Rhinestones rock." Sutan says the girls will someday thank the "two gay guys who came in here and raided your suitcases". Honey, if two gay guys are gonna come in and raid my suitcases, it ain't gonna be you. The girls are pissed off.

But help is on the way! The Monster Escalade drops the girls at a clothing store. Cripes, Charlie and Sutan are here, too. Two scenes, and I'm already tired of them. Sutan introduces the store as the new, hip-happening place for the Los Angeles elite to buy clothing. There's a little mini-challenge here in the store. The girls are to pick out a mini skirt, a nude bra and panty set, a large bag (to carry portfolios), a hair scrunchy, fitted jeans, a black cocktail dress, and a pair of sneakers. Yes, I'm sure that the Los Angeles elite go shopping for their cocktail dresses in the same store that carries scrunchies and sneakers. I can just see Nicole Kidman, all "Finally, a one-stop shop!". The challenge is that the girls have to grab all these items in five minutes. Sounds pretty tough. I doubt CariDee even remembers the list by this point. They begin, and the girls scatter. It's so weird to see Jaeda with long hair. Everyone grabs things they need as Charlie and Sutan harangue them annoyingly. Christian interviews something almost unintelligible. Seriously, I just rewound three times, and I'm still not sure what she said. Something about already owning everything on the list? Or something? Enunciate, Christian! Melrose gets a BZZZZZZ! sound for picking out a brown top, which is not on the list. Eugena's quite efficient. Christian gets a BZZZZZZ! for getting flip-flops, and Monique gets one for picking out a purple dress. I can't figure out if they're done and trying to grab extra stuff that the show will pay for, or are just stupid. Time runs out.

Back at the model pad, Melrose gets taken to task for acting like the "mom" of the house. As evidence of this, we're shown her recommending that the girls clean a dish before they use it, and offering to cook for everyone, as long as they do the dishes. Oh, my God! What a freaking bitch! How heinous of her to suggest a division of labor! Monique makes fun of her in the bedroom while wearing a pair of red wings and shouting into a sparkly gold microphone. How did those survive the Fashion Trash? She probably hid them in her ass. She goes on and on, and it's really not worth revisiting, because Monique's not smart enough to be funny, and isn't being incendiary enough to rant about. Oh, except she says "Die, bitch, die." which Melrose overhears. She understates in an interview that she's not interested in a friendship with Monique. Really? Why not? She's so likable! [The girls went to the photo shoot where Tyra "acted" like a bitch. Eugena and CariDee did well, while Melrose failed to kiss OJ's ass and got reamed for it. Man, that still makes me furious. Christian continues being marble-mouthed at panel. Maybe that's why she was eliminated four seconds later.] She interviews that she feels like she had more potential than Melrose, who was in the bottom two with her. I know hindsight is 20/20, but that statement makes Christian look even dumber now. Bye, sweetie! Take some diction classes!

Commercials. [When we return, the girls get their makeovers. Jaeda bawls when her hair gets chopped, because the girl whose hair gets chopped always freaks out. It's oddly comfortable in its reliability. Monique freaked out for no perceptible reason other than the fact that she's Monique.] Speaking of Monique acting like a rancid bitch (I know, it'd be more efficient to talk about the times Monique doesn't act like a rancid bitch, but I have to go with what the show tells me), someone eats her precious potato chips. Rather than respond like a human being, she throws away everyone else's chips. No, really. Not that the situation needs any further explanation, but we hear from Amanda that everyone pitched in the same amount, so all the food is community property. I guess Monique had dibs on the sour cream and onion or something. The other girls yell at her, but it's not like Monique has a self-aware bone in her body. She interviews that "Nice Monique" has gone out the window. Nice Monique? She must hang out with the Tooth Fairy. All the other girls can't even fathom why she acts the way she does. Suffice it to say they all know she's a psycho.

[Big wig photo shoot. Upon listening to OJ's critiques again, I'm reminded that this overprocessed bleach bomb wouldn't know how to direct a kindergarten play. He's so sucky. And did you hear he's going to be the main judge on Canada's Next Top Model? I guess it's about time we dump our loser celebrities on them. They did ship Elisha Cuthbert to us.] Megg melts down and cries that she can't model without listening to heavy metal music. Because she's HARDCORE. She...wants to be HARDCORE on every single photo shoot? Is she seriously that stupid? Is she seriously so stupid that "Is she seriously that stupid?" was a rhetorical question? Back at the model pad, she's cheered immensely by turning plastic flowerpots upside down and beating on them like drums. You guys, I was right. I think she may be retarded. [Megan got eliminated.] She interviews that she expected Monique to be in the bottom two with her (instead of Jaeda). We were all wishing that, Megan. Hey, whatever happened to the whole Queen Latifah segment? It's never mentioned.

[The girls "walked" a tightrope. Melrose did a good job, which didn't make Monique happy. DUH. Back at the pad, Melrose shoved Monique out of the phone room.] What we didn't see is Melrose trying to cook dinner, presumably for everyone. Monique grabs food away and repeats everything Melrose says, just to get under her skin. Because I guess Monique is six years old. In which case she really shouldn't be drinking that wine. I really wish someone had chopped all of her hair off in the night, like Harriet did to Laura Peters in "Harriet the Spy". That book fucking rocks. Sorry, when I'm trying to avoid an annoying scene, my mind goes to other places. [The girls tried to walk a straight line in high heels on cobblestones in front of Ronald McBre. Monique got sick. Unfortunately, it wasn't the bubonic plague. She begged off the photo shoot, which was the tilty platforms over the water one. Eugena wiped out, and CariDee popped out.]

Back at the model pad, a bird has gotten into the house, so this really is just like the last clip episode I watched. At least nobody thinks this bird is blind. Man, Nicole was a dumbass. She had no business winning her cycle. Not that I'm still bitter. Anchal climbs onto a wall partition to try and catch him. That was kind of hot. The girls try cajoling, poking, and throwing stuff at him. AJ actually almost catches him with her bare hands. Finally, he's herded out. Whew! Crisis averted. [Monique was cut. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Melrose tried to keep from grinning wider than the Cheshire cat, but couldn't quite keep a lid on it, which makes me love her.] Commercials.

[The girls met with a contortionist and a model who looks like Pippi Longstocking gave up halfway through her sex change operation. Anchal was stretchier than she thought. Back at the pad, Melrose spewed gossip about Anchal that was overheard, and made Anchal upset. The fact that four others were also spewing gossip goes just as unmentioned here as it was then. Still bullshit. Eugena won a challenge. Tyra stopped by to Oprah about the girls' fears. Anchal spilled that she has heard people talking about her, and Melrose worried that she'd been singled out as "the mean one".] After Tyra leaves, Megg tells Melrose that she gets very frustrated with the way Melrose acts. Wow, I'm impressed. Megg managed to address a problem frankly, but honestly, and didn't come off as a total freak. Well done, Megg. OK, so Melrose now knows that she's been pegged as mean. The girls are politely bringing up valid concerns. This is where the words "I'm" and "sorry" should feature prominently. And they shouldn't precede words like "that you're all so oversensitive". Instead, she falls back on saying she's "misunderstood", and that INFURIATING thing where people say that they're just the way they are, and they're not going to change (what I like to call the "Accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" defense). She goes on to dig herself even deeper with "I will not be walked on." and "I demand the same respect I give to all of you." And what respect would that be? Trashing them behind their backs? Listen, I think that other girls should be hanging on the same hook right about now, but it doesn't make her any less culpable. Melrose, I've been one of your biggest defenders. I've wandered all over the internet, trying to explain to legions of people who hate your guts why you're not so bad. But you're being a raging asshole. Shut up now, before you lose your last fan.

The other girls hate her even more now, and I can understand why. What's funny is that AJ talks to CariDee about the situation, and criticizes Melrose for throwing little jabs in her face. "I don't do that to [her]," AJ gripes. "It's so childish." Does AJ know she's being taped? [The girls posed as circus sideshow freaks. Megg sucked. Again. She cried. Again. The judges loved Melrose's photo, and Megg got cut.] Commercials. When we return, the girls do some watered-down yoga, then dance around with masks on. Why the masks are necessary, I can't imagine. [Michelle sort of admitted that she's sort of gay. There were a series of boring interview challenges, at which Melrose excelled, while AJ and Jaeda sucked royally.] AJ is pessimistic. Wah wah wah.

[Tyra dropped by for some more Diet Oprah interviews. The girls went to their celebrity couple photo shoot. AJ sucked. Jaeda "sucked".] Back at the model pad, Jaeda stages a fake elimination. She does an overwrought impression of Tyra that is pretty damn funny. She's certainly nailed the melodrama. It comes down to the twins in the bottom two. As Jaeda addresses each of them, CariDee rips a massive fart. Everyone cracks up. Including me. Jaeda winds up fake eliminating Amanda. [In the real elimination, Jaeda herself wound up in the bottom two, but AJ got eliminated. We are treated to another shot of her fugly hat, as if it hasn't burned into our brains like acid by now.] Commercials. [When we return, Tyra takes the "scary" black and white photos. Dita von Teese strutted her stuff, and the girls followed suit. They had a boring challenge on a dining room table, which Melrose won. Anchal was self-conscious some more. The girls posed with Fabio. Brooke got cut. The fact that Tyra was Queen of the Assholes that week is not mentioned.]

Now, only seven girls remain. Melrose, the "bold beauty with an eye for fashion". Eugena, the "sexy siren who sizzles on the runway". I promise I'm not making any of these descriptions up. Michelle, the "long tall tomboy and her photogenic twin," Amanda. I like how Amanda's so dull that "photogenic" was the only thing they could say about her. CariDee, the "stunner with the supersized personality". Anchal, the "gentle, breathtaking beauty". And finally, Jaeda, the "statuesque student". One of them will become...AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. I like this final seven. I honestly wouldn't be upset if any of them won. As for predictions, Melrose is probably too disliked to win (although there's always an outlier), and the judges pretty much hate Eugena and Jaeda. Anchal's shyness may do her in, and Amanda tends to get outshined by her sister. So I'm going to tentatively guess a final two of Michelle and CariDee. Or my alternative guess is that the twins get double-eliminated, and Anchal takes the whole shebang.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: You're not the only one who can copy old material, Tyra: A photo shoot involving attacking a racecar driver. Um, OK. Some Mission Impossible sort of wire work. Anchal and Melrose throw down again.

Overall Grade: C