America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jayla was a horrible example for Jehovah's Witnesses. She neglects to mention that she's a horrible example for the rest of humanity as well, but we'll get to that later. Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves, but Coryn was the only one with balls enough (probably literally) to confront her. And the token plus-sized model took her customary dive with the deserved, yet saddening elimination of Diane. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Bel Air. Nike's sad that her friend Diane was cut, so she feels like she shouldn't have any strong relationships in the house. She vows to be the quiet girl from now on. From now on? Have we heard her utter more than six words at a stretch? Meanwhile, Jayla interviews that she will do whatever it takes to win, "clawing her way to the top" if she has to. Oh, well then I'm sure completely unreasonable personal vendettas won't get in the way of that competitive spirit. Some of the girls lounge in the hot tub, and Fugly Lisa has the idea to put some bubbles into it. We get to relive the whole Fugly Lisa/Coryn smackdown of last week, which I'm not going to revisit forty times like the show does. Kim interviews that Fugly Lisa always needs to be the center of attention. Yep, I'd say so. Fugly Lisa rambles nonsensically about how much she loves bubbles. What's funny is that Kyle gives her a look like she's completely insane, but Kyle herself has a big ol' bubble foam hat on her head at the time, so she looks like kind of a loon herself. Heh. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa goes through entire bottles of wine in about 45 minutes. Yowsa. More shots of nude girls covered in bubbles. My loins fail to stir. Jayla's also sick of Fugly Lisa, hoping that she'll be cannon fodder for this week's elimination.
Morning. OJ invades the model pad, and collects all the girls in the kitchen. There's a bunch of food set up, and Kim interviews that she thought there may be a cooking challenge. Is Kim unaware that this is a modeling competition? This is almost as dumb as when they thought their challenge would involve doing math. OJ says they'll have a special guest, whom he introduces by calling out for "Miss Thing" in such a way that makes me want to punch him with a set of brass knuckles. He tends to have that effect a lot. The special guest is Iman, whose name I know, but whose career I know very little about. She'll turn out to be so boring that I completely forgot to include her in the little blurblet about this episode. She is pretty, though. She explains that you need good skin to be a model, and that you can make homemade skin products out of common household foods, which is what they're there to do. OJ hands out recipe cards, and they get started. Kim and Jayla's products make it look like someone has thrown up on their faces. Nike looks like Violet Beauregarde. There's some more blather, and Bre gets caught eating some of her ingredients. She's so cute. The point of this entire scene is to introduce the later challenge, in which the girls will be spokesmodels for a honey-banana firming mask. Why they couldn't have just said so instead of this five minutes of filler is beyond me. OJ says that the girls will have to get several product points across during a mock interview. He passes the information out. So that's it for Iman. What a stunning cameo.
The Monster Humvee takes the girls to the challenge. They meet a man who introduces himself as comedian Chris Spencer. He's about as funny as melanoma. He tells them that they'll have a three-minute interview with him. Fugly Lisa interviews that there are 10 product points that they have to memorize, and she brags that she has them down cold. Jayla's up first. I think she does a fine job, but Chris interviews that she bored him to death. I wish. Coryn is legitimately boring, but it doesn't help that Chris is using her interview to tell more "jokes". Is it part of the challenge that he tries to distract them from the product points to see how they react? If so, fine. If not...what a fucking asshole. He also interrupts Bre, and Nike seriously cannot get a word in edgewise, which is bullshit. Kim has written the product points on her hand, but doesn't consider that cheating. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kim. Nicole actually leapfrogs onto my good side by saying that the firming mask is made from bananas from Caracas. Chris asks her where Caracas is in an attempt to trap her. Nicole responds with "I don't exactly know, but I heard they've got really good bananas." Hahahahahaha. Nicole hasn't been objectionable since episode 1, so I think I'll take her off THE LIST. Kyle, who's always so quiet and unassuming in the house, turns out to be quite a ham, and she does a fantastic job outlining the product points, and doesn't allow Chris to lead her off topic. I love Kyle. Fugly Lisa, who you'll remember said she had the product points down cold, completely blows her interview. She sounds very confident, but basically gets all of her facts wrong, and wastes about half her interview doing a little dance. Yeah, I don't know.
Chris proves he's not a complete waste of oxygen by deservedly judging Kyle the winner. She gets to choose one other girl to share in the reward. She mixes it up by choosing Nicole. See? Kyle is a patient listener, doesn't openly badmouth people even when they deserve it, Lisa, and tries to spread her good fortune around. She's my official favorite. Sorry, Bre. The reward is that they get to do some host segments for a VH1 show about supermodels. They're excited. Jayla nastily says that Kyle winning two challenges in a row isn't fair. It'd be different if she were kidding, but it seems fairly clear that she's not. Fugly Lisa, already upset because she didn't win the challenge (er...was she expecting to?), takes an offhand remark from Coryn about her dancing as an open insult, and the fight is on again. Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she needs to stop hating on people. Coryn has no problem with anyone but Lisa, but I'm sure it brings Fugly Lisa comfort to imagine that other souls are suffering the burden of Coryn's hate along with her. It's more of the same fighting, except that Fugly Lisa says that Coryn's the only one who dislikes her, and Coryn correctly replies that she's the only one who's openly stated as much. Yeah, I think we've seen enough interviews featuring Kim's open contempt of Fugly Lisa to know that Coryn's not exactly alone in her feelings. Oh, and Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she's "presenting herself like a moron" (whatever that means) and Coryn responds that Lisa's an alcoholic bitch. The other girls sit around in uncomfortable silence.
Commercials. Shut up, Kirsten Dunst.
And...we're back. And we get to see the "alcoholic bitch" comment again, but it doesn't lead into more fighting or anything. The next shot is just the girls getting back into the Monster Humvee. Fugly Lisa finally catches the snap, and figures out that maybe these girls aren't her best friends ever. Ya think, Lisa? Nike interviews that she doesn't like it when people fight or when there's drama, so she tends to withdraw when that happens. I do the same thing. You just try to make yourself completely invisible so that people don't try to enlist you in either side.
Back at the pad, Jayla and Nicole are out by the pool, and Jayla is trashing Fugly Lisa. She's absolutely correct on substance, but the way she's saying it makes her sound like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitch. Not only that, but she's complaining that Fugly Lisa doesn't get that everyone hates her; not just Coryn. Well, nobody but Coryn's ever confronted her and Fugly Lisa's kind of delusional, so why wouldn't she think that? I mean, I could understand this confusion on Jayla's part if Fugly Lisa had been fighting with everyone, but she hasn't. Nicole tries to stay out of it, only remarking that Fugly Lisa thinks she knows it all, but not attacking her personally or anything. Jayla snots that the pad is like high school. Yeah, it's not like Jayla herself would ever perpetuate a bunch of immature bullshit.
The next day, it's time for Kyle and Nicole's reward, which is being shot in the model pad. The director shows up and introduces himself. They get started. Fugly Lisa interviews that if she would have won the challenge, she would have done better at the hosting segments. This is the delusional Fugly Lisa we're all familiar with, because she doesn't even consider that the reason she's not hosting the VH1 show is that she did such a crappy job at the challenge that called for her to speak well. She whines that if she had won, she would "talk very sophisticated" (like...nice start), and that she'd give her opinions (and I'm sure the director would have been thrilled with her deviating from the script). It's like she's stuck on a Mobius strip of stupidity. Not only that, but she's bitching about it so loudly that the director has to come in and tell her to keep it down so they can shoot the damn thing. He asks her to be quiet for thirty seconds. She manages about three. She rolls her eyes and talks about how disgusted she is. Yeah, she's the picture of professional behavior.
Which is our segue into the Fugly Lisa is A Big Ol' Booze Hag segment! Won't that be fun? Kyle thinks Fugly Lisa's drinking may be a big problem for her. Nicole thinks so too, calling her behavior "bizarre". We follow this with a shot of Fugly Lisa belching loudly. Nice. She bumbles around, knocking over glasses. The other girls laugh at her. She sulkily retires to a beach chair, interviewing about how betrayed she feels, and then starts talking out loud to a nearby plant that she has named "cousin 'it'" (and learn to spell, show - it's Cousin Itt), saying that she and the plant are like the same. Hmm. You remember in Cycle One how the show tried to make us believe that Elyse had an eating disorder and how I didn't buy it, because it was just a bunch of hearsay from the other girls? This I buy. It's not just the other girls branding Fugly Lisa an alcoholic because they dislike her. She's clearly smashed in a lot of scenes, and that probably goes to the heart of why she's so unlikeable. Drunk people are funny for a little while, as a source of amusement, but they are no fun to hang out with for extended periods of time. The other girls continue talking about her drinking as she passes out on the porch chair. Bre goes out to check on her and bring her in. What's weird is that it looks like Coryn goes with her. Huh? As Fugly Lisa cries to her boyfriend on the phone, Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa appears to be a confident person, but that the constant arguing and criticism is eating away at her, as it is for all of them. She wants to help her, but doesn't know how. I think Bre is exactly right, and it's sweet that she's showing such concern for a girl she probably doesn't like very much.
Commercials. We already get a commercial for Everybody Hates Chris in every single ad break. Is it really necessary to have more than one in a two minute span? You want me to watch the show. I GET IT.
Morning. Tyra shows up at the model pad. Kyle's embarrassed to still be in rollers. Heh. Tyra gathers the girls and asks them about their vices. Bre says she relies on sleep a lot. I hear that. Tyra asks about smokers in the group, and says that 98% of models smoke or have smoked. Short PSA about how smoking is bad. Tyra says her own vice is fatty foods. I'm sure we all believe that. Of course, the entire reason Tyra showed up like this is to provoke Fugly Lisa into admitting she drinks. She does admit it, but downplays it, saying that a glass of wine calms her down, which is a bit different from stumbling around talking to plants. She says she doesn't drink to get drunk, and Kyle interviews that she was kind of mad that she lied right to Tyra's face. I understand that and all, but it's not like Tyra doesn't see everything that goes on in the house. I think she's pretty wise to Fugly Lisa's game. Tyra leaves.
Tyra Mail. It tells them to be ready at 8 AM. Morning. The girls meet OJ at a soundstage, and he tells them (in another horrible overdub) that they'll be doing an ad for Secret deodorant today, which includes a commercial shoot, a photo shoot, and another mock interview. OJ introduces Bill (the commercial director) and Jason (the photo shoot director). He tells them to think of a little secret to reveal as part of the commercial. The girls go into hair and makeup. Nike practices a little out loud, saying that her secret is that she's scared of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. Jayla overhears her. No problems so far. Meanwhile, Fugly Lisa is shooting her commercial. She actually does a really nice job. Her photo's good too, but she's too...well, she's too Lisa in her interview. You just want her to shut up so bad. Nicole and Bre are fine at the commercial. Kyle overacts a little too much, which I still find surprising. There's some footage of the photo shoot, and a bit of the girls' interviews. Nicole's secret is that she eats ice cream in bed, which Ryan the interviewer dismisses as G-rated. Yeah, it is kind of lame.
Coryn sucks at the commercial and interview. She just falls apart when called upon to be personable. Meanwhile, back in the dressing room, Nike and Jayla have discovered that they have the same secret. They're minutely different in that Jayla's is that she's afraid of the dark, and Nike's is that she's afraid of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. There's still no problem here. If I were Nike, I'd just think of another stupid little secret, and even if she can't, OJ tells her that it's not a big deal that they have the same one. Jayla's up, and she tries her line that she's scared of the dark, but they want more takes, so she replaces it with Nike's line about the nightlight. Nike hears this and is upset. So yeah, on the one hand, Jayla did kind of steal it, which is bitchy, but it's not that big a deal. 1) Nike had plenty of time to pick an entirely different secret. 2) OJ already said that it's not a big deal if they have the same secret. 3) Jayla used the nightlight line, but not that she's scared of the dark, so why doesn't Nike just use that? Instead, the combined stress of having her line stolen and being kind of nervous causes Nike to just unravel. She's pretty bad at the commercial, photo shoot, and interview. She says that she's been sucking all day. Again, it's understandable that she be mad about the line stealing, but she's blowing it out of proportion.
OK. Having said that, let's go into the portion of the evening wherein Jayla completely pisses away any chance that I'd defend her. Nike interviews that she did not say anything to Jayla about the line stealing, because she just figures that karma will take care of it. So she didn't yell at Jayla, didn't fight with her, didn't even say anything about the whole ordeal. That evening, Jayla is sitting out on the porch gossiping with Fugly Lisa. You know, the Fugly Lisa she can't stand and was gossiping about with Nicole earlier. Yeah, Jayla's stripes are starting to show. Not that she's into that high school drama or anything. She tells Fugly Lisa that she's sick of Nike giving her the cold shoulder. Fugly Lisa, delighted at not being the target for a change, pretends that she's sworn to secrecy or whatever, but clearly could not be happier in informing Jayla that Nike's not thrilled with the line stealing. Cut to the beginning of Jayla's confessional where she fumes that she's tired of stupid people. So am I, Jayla. Back on the porch, she flippantly remarks at how she's not going to be friends with certain people after the competition is over. I'm sure Nike burst into tears upon learning that. Back in the confessional, Jayla tries to become all threatening, talking about how something big's going to go down between her and Nike. Because Nike's such a confrontational type? Could someone please tell me how Nike (who responded to Jayla's theft simply by not being her BFF) should be on the business end of an ass-kicking? Jayla's acting like Nike was all up in her face with a broken bottle or something. Plus, Jayla? You're about as intimidating as a Keebler Elf, but nice try.
Commercials. So this lady wants her teeth to be whiter so her lipstick can appear to be an even more whorish shade of red. Got it.
Elimination looms. Coryn's nervous. Nike's nervous. Now instead of aiming for threatening and missing, Jayla is aiming for sarcastically funny. And missing. Seriously, she's seething with hate over Nike not baking her a friendship cake or something. At this point, Fugly Lisa could take lessons in How To Be Completely and Undeservedly Impressed With Yourself from Jayla. It's really disturbing. We enter the Chamber of Doom, and Fugly Lisa is wearing the weirdest outfit ever. Did she steal that flapper headband from the set of Xanadu? The guest judge tonight is Bill, the commercial director. Let's get to the evaluations.
Nicole. The judges like her commercial more than I do, but take her to task for too many "uh", "um" and "like" in the interview. Her photo's great. Tyra says that whoever has the strongest picture will have that picture run in People as an actual ad for Secret. Jayla. They say she's a bit too model-like in the commercial, but knocks the picture and interview out of the park. Coryn. Bill and Nigel call her on her sense of sadness, which seems to permeate everything she does. Can't argue with that. Her picture's nice, though. Kyle. The judges remark on her overacting in the commercial, but love her interview. I like her picture, but they don't think it's strong enough. Bre. Again, the judges don't think the picture is as good as I do, but love her interview and commercial. Kim. She's too slouchy in the commercial, which Nigel actually defends. Feh. Her interview is great, and she's taken what I consider to be her first good picture. Fugly Lisa. Nigel reads my mind and asks her what she was thinking when she got dressed. She says she feels playful (read: drunk). The judges love everything about the ad, and I do have to say she did a really good job. Nike. Her discomfort shows. She did OK at the photo shoot, and had a good interview, but her commercial sucks. She brings up that she felt hurt and betrayed, but doesn't go into detail. I don't want to defend Jayla, but pick one, Nike. Either get it all out or keep quiet. This "one of the other girls was a bitch to me and that's why I did poorly, but I'm not going to say which or how" bit is not going to fly.
Commercials. If you went by TV, you'd think that everyone who works in an office is a complete nutbar. Actually, that's not so far from the truth.
Deliberations. The usual bullshit. The only thing of note is that Nigel says that Fugly Lisa always leaves you wanting more (that's a good thing in this case). He follows this up with: "However, I also can't stand Lisa." Hahahaha. Oh, Nigel. Come over and we'll slag Fugly Lisa together. Then we'll do other things.
Elimination. Fugly Lisa is safe. Jayla. Kim. The next girl is the one with the best photo and shall have her face grace the pages of People. Nicole. She deserves it. And wow, what with this and the VH1 show, she's getting all sorts of exposure. Kyle is safe. Tyra makes fun of her overacting. Heh. Bre is safe. Will Nike and Coryn please step forward? Coryn is too sad. Nike was too stiff and uncomfortable. She can work on that, though, whereas Coryn's sadness is apparently intractable, so she's cut. The other girls come to hug Coryn; even Fugly Lisa. Aw. Coryn is actually relieved to be cut. It seems like she's going to give up on the whole modeling thing. "My life is going to change," she says on her way out. Well, if the rumors I've heard are true, the first thing to change will be her genitals.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls have to contend with an Army-style obstacle course, which Nicole isn't too wild about. Kim is actually required to look like a woman.
Overall Grade: B
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Think Like An Office Chair
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 4
Before we get to the previously, Phil would like us to know that a lot of the portions of Mississippi and Louisiana the episode takes place in were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that if you'd never visited those places before, and had only this episode to go on, you'd probably wonder why that was such a big deal. Previously on The Amazing Race: Virginia. South Carolina. Crazy Weavers. Hot Aiellos. Alabama. Bullshit. No more Hot Aiellos. Seven families remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
I have to say that I kind of dreaded writing the entry for this episode, because it's so very boring. The only thing that pushed me forward is that I'm so anal, having a blank in the middle of the series would drive me crazy. However, the disclaimer is out there, so I'll probably gloss over a bunch of crap. Credits. Hunter is clearly pulling his punches. After tonight, I'm not so sure the fighting will be as playful. Commercials. Do women really envy each other's elbows? Really?
Huntsville, Alabama. We're still at the space shuttle Pathfinder at NASA, which I will now hate for eternity for being the site of boring, bullshit tasks and the end of the road for people I like. Eternal enmity was probably not what they were expecting when they agreed to be on the show. Phil wonders if the Weavers will continue being complete loons, and if the Gaghans can catch up. I think at least one of those is a pretty safe bet, Phil. The Bransens leave the mat at 1:15 PM. The clue tells them to find the largest office chair in the world. Zzzzzz. You can pretty much insert that Zzzzzz anytime Phil mentions a new task. The chair is in Anniston, Alabama. Walter is finally wearing a different shirt. The Linzes are off at 1:18 PM. That "Who Dey?" shirt seems to be making the rounds, which means that it never gets washed, which means ew. The Shroeders leave at 1:33 PM. Stassi refers to themselves as the underdogs. They're in third. Draw your own conclusions about Stassi's intelligence. The Pink Ladies leave at 1:44 PM. Tricia interviews that Sharon and Christine tend to butt heads. From my own reading of these two, that's probably because Sharon is decisive and headstrong, and Christine is kind of a stupid nit.
The Weavers don't leave until 3:34 PM, which makes sense, given that the loser bus was two hours behind last week. Linda always sounds completely confused when she reads the clue. The Shroeders are in their car talking about how phony and awful the Weavers are. This is probably why I don't hate the Shroeders more. The enemy of my enemy, and all that. The Paolos are off at 3:50 PM. They fight. I'm completely shocked. We get the most out of the other son (Brian), that we've ever heard. He says DJ and his mom fight so much because they are the same exact person. It's totally true. Brian seems fairly unobjectionable. I feel sorry for him being stuck with this crew. Finally, the Gaghans at 3:53 PM. They catch up to the Paolos with pretty much no effort.
In their car, Brian politely asks where they're going, and Marion screams ANNISTON!!!, then slices him across the neck with the clue, giving him a paper cut. Just in case you ever felt sorry for her when DJ reduced her to tears, you can take comfort in the fact that she's just as big an asshole as the rest of them. The two trailing teams take different highways, and Bill is confident that they've chosen the faster route. The Bransens have found the chair. Lauren climbs up, gets the clue, and climbs down. It's as exciting as it sounds. The clue sends them to Talladega, Alabama to find the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. Their next clue will be in the museum there. It seems that teams actually passed Talladega on their way to Anniston, so everyone knows exactly where it is. It's good that the show had them backtrack, because otherwise the episode might have had a segment with a sliver of suspense or excitement. The Weavers are passing Talladega now, and worry that they'll be sent there. That's pretty sharp for a family that can't figure out what Pennsylvania is. The Linzes find the chair. The Shroeders find the chair. The Pink Ladies find the chair.
The Bransens have found the museum at Talladega, and pull their clue. It tells them to complete one lap around the track. Ah, but they won't be using cars. They'll be pedaling around in a goofy-lookin' contraption called a party bike. Whoo! Party! This is as hideously lame as the rest of the episode, but I have to wonder if this was changed at some point in deference to the Weavers. This episode doesn't have a Roadblock, and my guess is that originally, this was it, and that one of the team members either had to drive a racecar or ride alongside a racecar driver, but that they scrapped it to avoid seeming insensitive. So they did what they could on short notice, and tossed a few multi-person bikes out on the track. Voila. The Linzes have found the museum, too. Tommy says "How do you like dem apples?", because he speaks entirely in cliches. Is it wrong that I'm starting to find Alex kind of attractive? Probably. I'll try not to admit that again. The Shroeders are there too. The Bransens pedal as the Gaghans arrive at the chair. Guess Bill was right about his route being faster. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They're unhappy when they read the clue, for good reason. Linda says "Oh, my Lord," which Blood Ray points out could be construed as taking the Lord's name in vain. Heh. The Paolos have finally found the chair, too. They seem to be in last so often. How come they haven't been eliminated yet?
The Bransens look to be about halfway done with the pedaling as the Linzes get started, so those Bransens must have made some good time with the driving today. The Shroeders get started on the bikes too, and the Bransens finish shortly thereafter. Their clue sends them to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which one of the Bransen girls pronounces as "Huh-TEES-burg". Oy. They are supposed to find "The Southern Colonel". What is the Colonel, you ask? Is it a museum? Is it a nature trail? An art gallery? Anything that would be even remotely interesting or indicative of culture in Hattiesburg? Don't be ridiculous. The Southern Colonel is a trailer park (it looks to be a place that they sell mobile homes - I don't think people live there). You have got to be kidding me. That is just a giant FUCK YOU to Mississippi.
The Pink Ladies have found the track. The Weavers have an actual sympathetic moment as they try and pep themselves up for whatever awaits them at Talladega. Suddenly, they're there. Hey, what happened to the Gaghans? They open the clue, and are very displeased to find the "do one lap" clue within. I'd be displeased too, but could probably refrain from squealing like a pig, Rachel. She also calls Linda "mommy", which she is way too old to do.
Commercials. Bewitched is available on DVD and PSP. I have no idea what PSP is, but maybe by offering it, they can double their sales. Now twelve people will buy that movie.
The Weavers make their way onto the track. Wait! How did the Weavers make up the two-hour difference of the bus last week? This makes no sense. Although we never see them on the track with any of the four teams on the first bus, so maybe it's misleading. Mark Shroeder suggests stopping and raising the seats. The other Shroeders say no, so of course he stops. Stassi shrieks at him, while Char opts for a (justifiably) bitchy "we had momentum, Mark". When they start back up, Stassi groans that "one minute makes the biggest difference!" which is usually true, but again - they should have a two-hour lead on three teams at this point. The Linzes, Shroeders, and Pink Ladies finish biking. The Gaghans have found the racetrack. The Weavers bike. Linda pronounces Hattiesburg correctly, but goes for "colonial" instead of "colonel". There's inspirational music as the Weavers talk about their strength as a team. Um, you just pedaled a party bike around in a circle, because the producers (probably correctly) thought you'd fall apart at the sight of a racecar. It's understandable, but you don't earn a ton of respect for doing the watered-down task. Nice try, show.
The Gaghans are just getting started on the bike, so this editing is, indeed, wonky. The track is more than two miles long. Are you telling me that the Weavers (who left the chair at about the same time as the Gaghans) drove to Talladega, completed a two-mile course on a party bike, and left all before the Gaghans arrived? Something's fishy here. The Paolos arrive at Talladega, and Tony is absolutely thrilled with the clue, because he thinks he'll be in a racecar. Crushing his joy makes me happy. As the Gaghans wrap up and leave, they note the sky is becoming a bit threatening. It still looks calm but cloudy as the Paolos start pedaling, so I have no idea what the true order of events is in this episode.
The Linzes catch up to the Bransens on the highway. As they pass, Lauren moons them out the window. That'd usually be pretty funny, but mooning someone while your Dad sits three feet away? Ick. Because he's a wuss, Alex doesn't moon her back, but lifts his shirt up, then yells "Now it's your turn!" Heh. It's a family show, so we don't see how Lauren responds. She probably jiggled her boobies out the window while her father cheered her on. The Paolos pedal some more, and now it looks like the storm season that came right before the hurricanes is in full swing. Massive black clouds rise up, and there's a bunch of lightning as well. They show a shot of the storm as the Paolos hurry to their car, and it's the most impressive one I've seen in a long time.
One of the Bransen girls has a good idea, suggesting that they just pull into the nearest gas station in Hattiesburg, and look up Southern Colonel in the phone book. They find it easily, as do the Linzes. The clue says to search among the 37 trailer homes for a departure time the next morning. The times are 7:20 AM, 7:40 AM, and 8:00 AM. Unlike leading teams that find these sorts of clues in other seasons, Megan actually does the smart thing and insists upon finding the earliest time, rather than just hysterically pulling a ticket. Meanwhile, the Shroeders ask a police officer about the Colonel. He directs them to the right place, but Mark and Char are convinced that a trailer park couldn't possibly be what they're looking for. I kind of feel them on that one. I'd also have trouble believing that my destination would be that stupid. Char suggests looking in a phone book, but Mark dismisses that as too easy. Well, pick one, Mark. Either this place is a touristy-type thing, which means it would certainly be in the phone book, or it's a little out of the way thing, which means the police officer was probably right. Stassi is unhappy that they're not going to look in the phone book.
The Pink Ladies find a computer lab of some sort, and find the Colonel on the internet, complete with directions there. Nice! The Weavers get directions from some folks in a gas station. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi suggests stopping at a gas station for directions. Mark seems ambivalent about this as well. What the hell is his problem? He doesn't want to trust the police officer's directions. He doesn't want to look in a phone book. He doesn't want to stop at a gas station. Is he just expecting to trip over the Colonel at some point? What a tool. They actually wind up doing all three, as they find a phone book in a gas station that shows the police officer was right. Mark rips the phone book page out to take with them. That's pretty rude.
The Bransens and Linzes work together and find that the 7:20 AM departure time is the best, so they both grab one. The Pink Ladies and Weavers get to the Colonel at the same time. The Pink Ladies do the exactly wrong thing and just pull the first ticket they come to (7:40 AM). I don't understand how people mess this up so bad every season. They haven't seen another ticket, so for all they know, 7:40 is the latest departure time, which means there would be literally no disadvantage in looking for a better one. So stupid. Luckily for the Pink Ladies, the Weavers are equally as stupid, and pull the 8:00 departure time. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi is starting to lose her mind. They find the clue, and Stassi just weeps at how bad they're doing. They're in 5th. They started the leg in 3rd. Really no need for a tantrum just yet. The Pink Ladies have the unmitigated gall to tell them to look for 7:40 AM, as if they're sure it's the best time. The first trailer the Shroeders go into has the 8:00 time, and Mark actually suggests pulling it! He knows for a fact that's not the earliest time. Is everyone left on this show a complete moron? Stassi says as much, adding on that she does not want to have the same departure time as the Weavers. Understandable. The Gaghans arrive. Bill just pulls an 8:00 AM time. Sure, why not? Carissa says she doesn't like trailers because they're evil. I'd find that funnier if I weren't fuming about how fucking dumb these people are. The Paolos arrive, so the Shroeders panic and pull the first ticket they come to, which is an 8:00 AM. Stassi's crying again, so one of the Pink Ladies tries to soothe her by saying, get this, that the Shroeders will only be 20 minutes behind them. This somehow fails to comfort Stassi. She cries some more that one minute makes all the difference. This time she's right.
Commercials. I promise that if I ever need to transport twenty beach balls, I'll think about buying a Hyundai Santa Fe.
So of course the Paolos stumble across a 7:40 AM departure, because this season is populated by dumbasses. They take it because Marion says that they'll be leaving in less than five hours.
Blood Ray: "It's probably 11:00 PM."
Hahahaha. Man, this season would be becoming unbearable pretty quickly if I were watching it alone. Morning. The Bransens and Linzes leave at 7:20 AM. The clue tells them to drive to Richland, Mississippi and find a specific gas station. Once there, they'll have to look for a guy named Les to receive their next clue. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Go to a gas station and get your next clue? This show does not deserve to call itself The Amazing Race. This is the stupidest fucking task in the history of this show, and I am not exaggerating. Whatever, let's just move on. The Pink Ladies and Paolos leave at 7:40 AM. The Weavers, Shroeders, and Gaghans are all leaving at 8:00 AM. They all deserve to leave at noon, with the way they've been playing. The Bransens and Linzes find Les. The clue tells them to go to Madisonville in the Pelican State (which is Louisiana), and find Fairview Riverside State Park. So that was Mississippi. Mobile homes and gas stations. Both teams figure out the Pelican State thing easily. The Pink Ladies blow right by the correct gas station. The Paolos have found it, though. The Pink Ladies actually see the Paolos turn in to the gas station (which is the right company as well), and decide that they must just be stopping off for something. Sure, ladies. They stopped at a gas station, but not the right one, because they need to buy snacks. Which, of course, they could never do at the correct gas station. DUMBASSES.
The Paolos get their clue and leave, now in third place. Frankly, they deserve third place right now. The Pink Ladies decide to turn around and go back to the gas station. Gee, ya think? They're mad. Hey, you told Stassi that 20 minutes doesn't make a difference. What's five to you? Apparently plenty. The Shroeders have spotted the gas station, and Stassi is still going on about how one minute (or maybe ticket) makes the biggest difference. We. Get. It. The Gaghans and Weavers are at the gas station too. Everyone gets the clue and takes off, except for the Shroeders who not only need gas, but have never heard of Madisonville, and they're from Louisiana. We're supposed to think they're dumb for this, but I'm certainly not familiar with every podunk town in Missouri. In the Gaghan car, Carissa sings a little ditty about finding a pen. The Shroeders unravel even more. Christine finds the highway they need on the map, and demands that the other Pink Ladies basically worship at her feet because she found the interstate. They give her high fives, but roll their eyes. Christine gets on my nerves too, ladies. Mark Shroeder, who apparently has a degree from the Denny Rogers Institute of Leading Your Family, tells Char not to get on the (correct) highway.
The Bransens and Linzes have found the park. Detour! Work vs. Play. In Work, you use a two-person saw to slice 12-inch diameter pieces off a log. Four slices and you're done. In Play, you row to a nearby riverboat and play Blackjack against a dealer. All four team members have to beat the dealer (or the dealer can bust). Win three times, and you're done. That sounds easier, but on reflection, having four people beat him would take a while. Add to that the time spent rowing, and I'd probably go for the log. Everyone has to put on "appropriate period clothing". Think Miss Kitty's saloon at Six Flags, only uglier. Both teams choose Play. The Shroeders have realized that they've missed their highway. Not only that, but the park they're looking for is 30 minutes from their house, and 5 minutes (!!!!) from where Mark used to work. And they've never heard of it, or the town it's in? DUMBASSES. They're suitably embarrassed. Back at the boat, the Linzes almost tip into the water, but don't. Boo! One of the Bransen girls doesn't know how to play Blackjack. Walter responds how I did: Oh, geez. The Paolos arrive and choose Work. Good choice on their part. The Pink Ladies arrive and choose Work as well. The card players are finding it more difficult to win than they thought, though the Bransens are through one round.
The Weavers are a bit lost, so the Gaghans are next to the Detour. They choose Play. The Linzes panic and bolt the card table to go do the logs. The Paolos are actually working well as a team to cut the logs. I'm surprised they didn't attempt to behead each other with the saws the second they got their hands on them. The Gaghans start to play, and the Bransens win their second round. The Paolos finish up their logs. They are currently in first place. Can you believe that shit? The clue tells them to get to the next pit stop: Preservation Hall in New Orleans, Louisiana. I've been there! Sorry, I'm contractually obliged to shout that whenever they go places I've been. I have a feeling they won't be indulging in the activities that I indulged in when I was in New Orleans, though. Wow, I never realized Lake Pontchartrain was that big. As the Paolos leave, the Bransens win their third round, so they're off as well. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They choose Play. The Linzes and Pink Ladies are done with the logs. The Weavers have won two rounds while the Gaghans have yet to score. It looks like the Gaghans are hitting too often. I think the fastest way to win this would be to stay on anything 12 or over, and just hope the dealer busts. The Gaghans start to panic.
Commercials. Hey, Close to Home, you know what's really desperate? Invoking the name of a more popular show to try and drum up interest in yours.
The Gaghans give up, and leave to go do the logs. The Bransens and Linzes marvel at the size of Lake Pontchartrain. In the Pink Lady car, Christine wants to grab their bags to take with them when they get out of the car. I'm not really sure why, since they're on the way to the pit stop. They can pick up their stuff after they check in, I assume. The other ladies point out that it's not the best idea, since they have to run through the French Quarter. Christine first tries to be resolute ("Well, I'm taking my backpack!") to get respect. It doesn't work, so she cries to get sympathy. Christine is thirty-seven years old. Carissa is more mature than her. She interviews (during which she cries) that she cries to relieve tension when she's tired. I suppose I've heard of worse ways to relieve stress. It still seems like remarkably childish behavior on a woman pushing forty. Plus, she yells at the other Pink Ladies for making her cry. Like Mark, she needs to choose one. Either the other Pink Ladies are badgering her so much that she's upset (which...not - they just don't want to lug their backpacks), or she's just doing her normal cry to relieve stress routine, which she said doesn't mean much to her emotionally. She doesn't get to have it both ways.
The Weavers finish their Blackjack. You can tell they're in a hurry, because they don't badger the dealer about his relationship with the Lord. The Gaghans start sawing, and Carissa racks herself in the face with the saw. Sorry, but I laughed for about thirty full seconds after that. The Weavers are excited to see the Shroeders just arriving as they leave. Linda cautions them not to be too happy, since the Shroeders are familiar with the area. Irony! As a further insult to the Shroeders, it starts raining again as they choose Work. The Gaghans saw. Mark consults his Denny manual, and decides they need to change Detours. It's just as much game suicide as it was when the Rogers did it. They go across to the boat. The editing would suggest that they have won two rounds by the time the Gaghans are done sawing, but I don't buy it. The Weavers are going across the massive bridge, and Linda refers to Lake Pontchartrain as one of the five great lakes. She's a teacher. I'll leave it at that. The lead teams get into New Orleans. It looks like the show has actually blocked off parking spaces for them, which is kind of bullshit, but ranks pretty low on the bullshit scale when compared to a bunch of other things the producers have seen fit to throw at us this season, so whatever. The Paolos and Bransens search for Preservation Hall.
The Shroeders are musing about how close to home they are. Oh, they'll be even closer to their home soon enough. The Linzes have arrived in New Orleans. The Bransens have found Preservation Hall, and hit the mat in first. Well, I don't hate this particular team, so...yay? They win a trip to Orlando. The greeter grins awkwardly as they freak out. The Paolos arrive in second. The Paolos! Second! I don't think you need any more evidence as to how stupidly the other teams played this week. The Pink Ladies arrive. Christine isn't wearing her backpack, so nice empty threat, there. No wonder your sisters don't respect you. The Linzes hit the mat in third. The Weavers arrive. The Pink Ladies hit the mat in fourth. The Gaghans arrive. The Weavers hit the mat in fifth. Seeing a pattern? Yes, the editing again tries to be all tricky, but the Gaghans arrive in sixth, and the Shroeders are last. I'm fully expecting a non-elimination point. There are so many still to fit in. The Shroeders expect it, too. But we're all wrong. They're eliminated. Char is wracked with sobs that sound so miserable that I actually feel sorry for them. Still. Stop the bike to adjust the seats? Ignore directions given by local police officers? Pull a departure ticket without looking for earlier ones? Missing your highway? Switching your Detour choice? They deserve to be in last, so it's no great tragedy to see them go. At least Mark owns up to his mistakes and doesn't try to shove off the blame on the rest of the family. Denny would be disappointed in him.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Phil talks about DJ's fear of heights, but all I can concentrate on is the fact that he's holding the Fast Forward, which will probably put them into first place next week. Damn it. Sharon struggles at home plate during a baseball task. What, no tasks where the teams are sent to bus station bathrooms?
Overall Grade: D+
Before we get to the previously, Phil would like us to know that a lot of the portions of Mississippi and Louisiana the episode takes place in were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that if you'd never visited those places before, and had only this episode to go on, you'd probably wonder why that was such a big deal. Previously on The Amazing Race: Virginia. South Carolina. Crazy Weavers. Hot Aiellos. Alabama. Bullshit. No more Hot Aiellos. Seven families remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
I have to say that I kind of dreaded writing the entry for this episode, because it's so very boring. The only thing that pushed me forward is that I'm so anal, having a blank in the middle of the series would drive me crazy. However, the disclaimer is out there, so I'll probably gloss over a bunch of crap. Credits. Hunter is clearly pulling his punches. After tonight, I'm not so sure the fighting will be as playful. Commercials. Do women really envy each other's elbows? Really?
Huntsville, Alabama. We're still at the space shuttle Pathfinder at NASA, which I will now hate for eternity for being the site of boring, bullshit tasks and the end of the road for people I like. Eternal enmity was probably not what they were expecting when they agreed to be on the show. Phil wonders if the Weavers will continue being complete loons, and if the Gaghans can catch up. I think at least one of those is a pretty safe bet, Phil. The Bransens leave the mat at 1:15 PM. The clue tells them to find the largest office chair in the world. Zzzzzz. You can pretty much insert that Zzzzzz anytime Phil mentions a new task. The chair is in Anniston, Alabama. Walter is finally wearing a different shirt. The Linzes are off at 1:18 PM. That "Who Dey?" shirt seems to be making the rounds, which means that it never gets washed, which means ew. The Shroeders leave at 1:33 PM. Stassi refers to themselves as the underdogs. They're in third. Draw your own conclusions about Stassi's intelligence. The Pink Ladies leave at 1:44 PM. Tricia interviews that Sharon and Christine tend to butt heads. From my own reading of these two, that's probably because Sharon is decisive and headstrong, and Christine is kind of a stupid nit.
The Weavers don't leave until 3:34 PM, which makes sense, given that the loser bus was two hours behind last week. Linda always sounds completely confused when she reads the clue. The Shroeders are in their car talking about how phony and awful the Weavers are. This is probably why I don't hate the Shroeders more. The enemy of my enemy, and all that. The Paolos are off at 3:50 PM. They fight. I'm completely shocked. We get the most out of the other son (Brian), that we've ever heard. He says DJ and his mom fight so much because they are the same exact person. It's totally true. Brian seems fairly unobjectionable. I feel sorry for him being stuck with this crew. Finally, the Gaghans at 3:53 PM. They catch up to the Paolos with pretty much no effort.
In their car, Brian politely asks where they're going, and Marion screams ANNISTON!!!, then slices him across the neck with the clue, giving him a paper cut. Just in case you ever felt sorry for her when DJ reduced her to tears, you can take comfort in the fact that she's just as big an asshole as the rest of them. The two trailing teams take different highways, and Bill is confident that they've chosen the faster route. The Bransens have found the chair. Lauren climbs up, gets the clue, and climbs down. It's as exciting as it sounds. The clue sends them to Talladega, Alabama to find the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. Their next clue will be in the museum there. It seems that teams actually passed Talladega on their way to Anniston, so everyone knows exactly where it is. It's good that the show had them backtrack, because otherwise the episode might have had a segment with a sliver of suspense or excitement. The Weavers are passing Talladega now, and worry that they'll be sent there. That's pretty sharp for a family that can't figure out what Pennsylvania is. The Linzes find the chair. The Shroeders find the chair. The Pink Ladies find the chair.
The Bransens have found the museum at Talladega, and pull their clue. It tells them to complete one lap around the track. Ah, but they won't be using cars. They'll be pedaling around in a goofy-lookin' contraption called a party bike. Whoo! Party! This is as hideously lame as the rest of the episode, but I have to wonder if this was changed at some point in deference to the Weavers. This episode doesn't have a Roadblock, and my guess is that originally, this was it, and that one of the team members either had to drive a racecar or ride alongside a racecar driver, but that they scrapped it to avoid seeming insensitive. So they did what they could on short notice, and tossed a few multi-person bikes out on the track. Voila. The Linzes have found the museum, too. Tommy says "How do you like dem apples?", because he speaks entirely in cliches. Is it wrong that I'm starting to find Alex kind of attractive? Probably. I'll try not to admit that again. The Shroeders are there too. The Bransens pedal as the Gaghans arrive at the chair. Guess Bill was right about his route being faster. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They're unhappy when they read the clue, for good reason. Linda says "Oh, my Lord," which Blood Ray points out could be construed as taking the Lord's name in vain. Heh. The Paolos have finally found the chair, too. They seem to be in last so often. How come they haven't been eliminated yet?
The Bransens look to be about halfway done with the pedaling as the Linzes get started, so those Bransens must have made some good time with the driving today. The Shroeders get started on the bikes too, and the Bransens finish shortly thereafter. Their clue sends them to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which one of the Bransen girls pronounces as "Huh-TEES-burg". Oy. They are supposed to find "The Southern Colonel". What is the Colonel, you ask? Is it a museum? Is it a nature trail? An art gallery? Anything that would be even remotely interesting or indicative of culture in Hattiesburg? Don't be ridiculous. The Southern Colonel is a trailer park (it looks to be a place that they sell mobile homes - I don't think people live there). You have got to be kidding me. That is just a giant FUCK YOU to Mississippi.
The Pink Ladies have found the track. The Weavers have an actual sympathetic moment as they try and pep themselves up for whatever awaits them at Talladega. Suddenly, they're there. Hey, what happened to the Gaghans? They open the clue, and are very displeased to find the "do one lap" clue within. I'd be displeased too, but could probably refrain from squealing like a pig, Rachel. She also calls Linda "mommy", which she is way too old to do.
Commercials. Bewitched is available on DVD and PSP. I have no idea what PSP is, but maybe by offering it, they can double their sales. Now twelve people will buy that movie.
The Weavers make their way onto the track. Wait! How did the Weavers make up the two-hour difference of the bus last week? This makes no sense. Although we never see them on the track with any of the four teams on the first bus, so maybe it's misleading. Mark Shroeder suggests stopping and raising the seats. The other Shroeders say no, so of course he stops. Stassi shrieks at him, while Char opts for a (justifiably) bitchy "we had momentum, Mark". When they start back up, Stassi groans that "one minute makes the biggest difference!" which is usually true, but again - they should have a two-hour lead on three teams at this point. The Linzes, Shroeders, and Pink Ladies finish biking. The Gaghans have found the racetrack. The Weavers bike. Linda pronounces Hattiesburg correctly, but goes for "colonial" instead of "colonel". There's inspirational music as the Weavers talk about their strength as a team. Um, you just pedaled a party bike around in a circle, because the producers (probably correctly) thought you'd fall apart at the sight of a racecar. It's understandable, but you don't earn a ton of respect for doing the watered-down task. Nice try, show.
The Gaghans are just getting started on the bike, so this editing is, indeed, wonky. The track is more than two miles long. Are you telling me that the Weavers (who left the chair at about the same time as the Gaghans) drove to Talladega, completed a two-mile course on a party bike, and left all before the Gaghans arrived? Something's fishy here. The Paolos arrive at Talladega, and Tony is absolutely thrilled with the clue, because he thinks he'll be in a racecar. Crushing his joy makes me happy. As the Gaghans wrap up and leave, they note the sky is becoming a bit threatening. It still looks calm but cloudy as the Paolos start pedaling, so I have no idea what the true order of events is in this episode.
The Linzes catch up to the Bransens on the highway. As they pass, Lauren moons them out the window. That'd usually be pretty funny, but mooning someone while your Dad sits three feet away? Ick. Because he's a wuss, Alex doesn't moon her back, but lifts his shirt up, then yells "Now it's your turn!" Heh. It's a family show, so we don't see how Lauren responds. She probably jiggled her boobies out the window while her father cheered her on. The Paolos pedal some more, and now it looks like the storm season that came right before the hurricanes is in full swing. Massive black clouds rise up, and there's a bunch of lightning as well. They show a shot of the storm as the Paolos hurry to their car, and it's the most impressive one I've seen in a long time.
One of the Bransen girls has a good idea, suggesting that they just pull into the nearest gas station in Hattiesburg, and look up Southern Colonel in the phone book. They find it easily, as do the Linzes. The clue says to search among the 37 trailer homes for a departure time the next morning. The times are 7:20 AM, 7:40 AM, and 8:00 AM. Unlike leading teams that find these sorts of clues in other seasons, Megan actually does the smart thing and insists upon finding the earliest time, rather than just hysterically pulling a ticket. Meanwhile, the Shroeders ask a police officer about the Colonel. He directs them to the right place, but Mark and Char are convinced that a trailer park couldn't possibly be what they're looking for. I kind of feel them on that one. I'd also have trouble believing that my destination would be that stupid. Char suggests looking in a phone book, but Mark dismisses that as too easy. Well, pick one, Mark. Either this place is a touristy-type thing, which means it would certainly be in the phone book, or it's a little out of the way thing, which means the police officer was probably right. Stassi is unhappy that they're not going to look in the phone book.
The Pink Ladies find a computer lab of some sort, and find the Colonel on the internet, complete with directions there. Nice! The Weavers get directions from some folks in a gas station. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi suggests stopping at a gas station for directions. Mark seems ambivalent about this as well. What the hell is his problem? He doesn't want to trust the police officer's directions. He doesn't want to look in a phone book. He doesn't want to stop at a gas station. Is he just expecting to trip over the Colonel at some point? What a tool. They actually wind up doing all three, as they find a phone book in a gas station that shows the police officer was right. Mark rips the phone book page out to take with them. That's pretty rude.
The Bransens and Linzes work together and find that the 7:20 AM departure time is the best, so they both grab one. The Pink Ladies and Weavers get to the Colonel at the same time. The Pink Ladies do the exactly wrong thing and just pull the first ticket they come to (7:40 AM). I don't understand how people mess this up so bad every season. They haven't seen another ticket, so for all they know, 7:40 is the latest departure time, which means there would be literally no disadvantage in looking for a better one. So stupid. Luckily for the Pink Ladies, the Weavers are equally as stupid, and pull the 8:00 departure time. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi is starting to lose her mind. They find the clue, and Stassi just weeps at how bad they're doing. They're in 5th. They started the leg in 3rd. Really no need for a tantrum just yet. The Pink Ladies have the unmitigated gall to tell them to look for 7:40 AM, as if they're sure it's the best time. The first trailer the Shroeders go into has the 8:00 time, and Mark actually suggests pulling it! He knows for a fact that's not the earliest time. Is everyone left on this show a complete moron? Stassi says as much, adding on that she does not want to have the same departure time as the Weavers. Understandable. The Gaghans arrive. Bill just pulls an 8:00 AM time. Sure, why not? Carissa says she doesn't like trailers because they're evil. I'd find that funnier if I weren't fuming about how fucking dumb these people are. The Paolos arrive, so the Shroeders panic and pull the first ticket they come to, which is an 8:00 AM. Stassi's crying again, so one of the Pink Ladies tries to soothe her by saying, get this, that the Shroeders will only be 20 minutes behind them. This somehow fails to comfort Stassi. She cries some more that one minute makes all the difference. This time she's right.
Commercials. I promise that if I ever need to transport twenty beach balls, I'll think about buying a Hyundai Santa Fe.
So of course the Paolos stumble across a 7:40 AM departure, because this season is populated by dumbasses. They take it because Marion says that they'll be leaving in less than five hours.
Blood Ray: "It's probably 11:00 PM."
Hahahaha. Man, this season would be becoming unbearable pretty quickly if I were watching it alone. Morning. The Bransens and Linzes leave at 7:20 AM. The clue tells them to drive to Richland, Mississippi and find a specific gas station. Once there, they'll have to look for a guy named Les to receive their next clue. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Go to a gas station and get your next clue? This show does not deserve to call itself The Amazing Race. This is the stupidest fucking task in the history of this show, and I am not exaggerating. Whatever, let's just move on. The Pink Ladies and Paolos leave at 7:40 AM. The Weavers, Shroeders, and Gaghans are all leaving at 8:00 AM. They all deserve to leave at noon, with the way they've been playing. The Bransens and Linzes find Les. The clue tells them to go to Madisonville in the Pelican State (which is Louisiana), and find Fairview Riverside State Park. So that was Mississippi. Mobile homes and gas stations. Both teams figure out the Pelican State thing easily. The Pink Ladies blow right by the correct gas station. The Paolos have found it, though. The Pink Ladies actually see the Paolos turn in to the gas station (which is the right company as well), and decide that they must just be stopping off for something. Sure, ladies. They stopped at a gas station, but not the right one, because they need to buy snacks. Which, of course, they could never do at the correct gas station. DUMBASSES.
The Paolos get their clue and leave, now in third place. Frankly, they deserve third place right now. The Pink Ladies decide to turn around and go back to the gas station. Gee, ya think? They're mad. Hey, you told Stassi that 20 minutes doesn't make a difference. What's five to you? Apparently plenty. The Shroeders have spotted the gas station, and Stassi is still going on about how one minute (or maybe ticket) makes the biggest difference. We. Get. It. The Gaghans and Weavers are at the gas station too. Everyone gets the clue and takes off, except for the Shroeders who not only need gas, but have never heard of Madisonville, and they're from Louisiana. We're supposed to think they're dumb for this, but I'm certainly not familiar with every podunk town in Missouri. In the Gaghan car, Carissa sings a little ditty about finding a pen. The Shroeders unravel even more. Christine finds the highway they need on the map, and demands that the other Pink Ladies basically worship at her feet because she found the interstate. They give her high fives, but roll their eyes. Christine gets on my nerves too, ladies. Mark Shroeder, who apparently has a degree from the Denny Rogers Institute of Leading Your Family, tells Char not to get on the (correct) highway.
The Bransens and Linzes have found the park. Detour! Work vs. Play. In Work, you use a two-person saw to slice 12-inch diameter pieces off a log. Four slices and you're done. In Play, you row to a nearby riverboat and play Blackjack against a dealer. All four team members have to beat the dealer (or the dealer can bust). Win three times, and you're done. That sounds easier, but on reflection, having four people beat him would take a while. Add to that the time spent rowing, and I'd probably go for the log. Everyone has to put on "appropriate period clothing". Think Miss Kitty's saloon at Six Flags, only uglier. Both teams choose Play. The Shroeders have realized that they've missed their highway. Not only that, but the park they're looking for is 30 minutes from their house, and 5 minutes (!!!!) from where Mark used to work. And they've never heard of it, or the town it's in? DUMBASSES. They're suitably embarrassed. Back at the boat, the Linzes almost tip into the water, but don't. Boo! One of the Bransen girls doesn't know how to play Blackjack. Walter responds how I did: Oh, geez. The Paolos arrive and choose Work. Good choice on their part. The Pink Ladies arrive and choose Work as well. The card players are finding it more difficult to win than they thought, though the Bransens are through one round.
The Weavers are a bit lost, so the Gaghans are next to the Detour. They choose Play. The Linzes panic and bolt the card table to go do the logs. The Paolos are actually working well as a team to cut the logs. I'm surprised they didn't attempt to behead each other with the saws the second they got their hands on them. The Gaghans start to play, and the Bransens win their second round. The Paolos finish up their logs. They are currently in first place. Can you believe that shit? The clue tells them to get to the next pit stop: Preservation Hall in New Orleans, Louisiana. I've been there! Sorry, I'm contractually obliged to shout that whenever they go places I've been. I have a feeling they won't be indulging in the activities that I indulged in when I was in New Orleans, though. Wow, I never realized Lake Pontchartrain was that big. As the Paolos leave, the Bransens win their third round, so they're off as well. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They choose Play. The Linzes and Pink Ladies are done with the logs. The Weavers have won two rounds while the Gaghans have yet to score. It looks like the Gaghans are hitting too often. I think the fastest way to win this would be to stay on anything 12 or over, and just hope the dealer busts. The Gaghans start to panic.
Commercials. Hey, Close to Home, you know what's really desperate? Invoking the name of a more popular show to try and drum up interest in yours.
The Gaghans give up, and leave to go do the logs. The Bransens and Linzes marvel at the size of Lake Pontchartrain. In the Pink Lady car, Christine wants to grab their bags to take with them when they get out of the car. I'm not really sure why, since they're on the way to the pit stop. They can pick up their stuff after they check in, I assume. The other ladies point out that it's not the best idea, since they have to run through the French Quarter. Christine first tries to be resolute ("Well, I'm taking my backpack!") to get respect. It doesn't work, so she cries to get sympathy. Christine is thirty-seven years old. Carissa is more mature than her. She interviews (during which she cries) that she cries to relieve tension when she's tired. I suppose I've heard of worse ways to relieve stress. It still seems like remarkably childish behavior on a woman pushing forty. Plus, she yells at the other Pink Ladies for making her cry. Like Mark, she needs to choose one. Either the other Pink Ladies are badgering her so much that she's upset (which...not - they just don't want to lug their backpacks), or she's just doing her normal cry to relieve stress routine, which she said doesn't mean much to her emotionally. She doesn't get to have it both ways.
The Weavers finish their Blackjack. You can tell they're in a hurry, because they don't badger the dealer about his relationship with the Lord. The Gaghans start sawing, and Carissa racks herself in the face with the saw. Sorry, but I laughed for about thirty full seconds after that. The Weavers are excited to see the Shroeders just arriving as they leave. Linda cautions them not to be too happy, since the Shroeders are familiar with the area. Irony! As a further insult to the Shroeders, it starts raining again as they choose Work. The Gaghans saw. Mark consults his Denny manual, and decides they need to change Detours. It's just as much game suicide as it was when the Rogers did it. They go across to the boat. The editing would suggest that they have won two rounds by the time the Gaghans are done sawing, but I don't buy it. The Weavers are going across the massive bridge, and Linda refers to Lake Pontchartrain as one of the five great lakes. She's a teacher. I'll leave it at that. The lead teams get into New Orleans. It looks like the show has actually blocked off parking spaces for them, which is kind of bullshit, but ranks pretty low on the bullshit scale when compared to a bunch of other things the producers have seen fit to throw at us this season, so whatever. The Paolos and Bransens search for Preservation Hall.
The Shroeders are musing about how close to home they are. Oh, they'll be even closer to their home soon enough. The Linzes have arrived in New Orleans. The Bransens have found Preservation Hall, and hit the mat in first. Well, I don't hate this particular team, so...yay? They win a trip to Orlando. The greeter grins awkwardly as they freak out. The Paolos arrive in second. The Paolos! Second! I don't think you need any more evidence as to how stupidly the other teams played this week. The Pink Ladies arrive. Christine isn't wearing her backpack, so nice empty threat, there. No wonder your sisters don't respect you. The Linzes hit the mat in third. The Weavers arrive. The Pink Ladies hit the mat in fourth. The Gaghans arrive. The Weavers hit the mat in fifth. Seeing a pattern? Yes, the editing again tries to be all tricky, but the Gaghans arrive in sixth, and the Shroeders are last. I'm fully expecting a non-elimination point. There are so many still to fit in. The Shroeders expect it, too. But we're all wrong. They're eliminated. Char is wracked with sobs that sound so miserable that I actually feel sorry for them. Still. Stop the bike to adjust the seats? Ignore directions given by local police officers? Pull a departure ticket without looking for earlier ones? Missing your highway? Switching your Detour choice? They deserve to be in last, so it's no great tragedy to see them go. At least Mark owns up to his mistakes and doesn't try to shove off the blame on the rest of the family. Denny would be disappointed in him.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Phil talks about DJ's fear of heights, but all I can concentrate on is the fact that he's holding the Fast Forward, which will probably put them into first place next week. Damn it. Sharon struggles at home plate during a baseball task. What, no tasks where the teams are sent to bus station bathrooms?
Overall Grade: D+
Saturday, October 15, 2005
The Girl Who Gets A Boob Job
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Cassandra decided that cutting seven inches off her hair was fine, but eight? Now you've gone too far! She quit the competition and vowed to return to beauty pageants. Hopefully, she returns to a salon first so they can try to salvage something out of that hideous mess. Tyra states that a "crush on Kim" caused Sarah's performance to suffer, but when was Sarah's performance any better? In any case, the pontoon-lipped Missourian was cut loose, and came home to her boyfriend, whose first words to her were probably "So, you were into some chick, huh? Because my friend Candy said that she wouldn't mind joining us some night. Here, do this shot of Wild Turkey." Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Bel Air. Kim feels a bit ambivalent about Sarah's elimination, since she was on the block as well. If Kim doesn't start taking better pictures soon, she may be joining Sarah in Loserville. Eh, who am I kidding? This show loves mouthy lesbians. Kim won't be cut until the final four or so. The remaining girls decide to take a picture of themselves, some of them topless. Nicole interviews that Diane didn't want to be in the booby shots, I guess because she's curvier than the other girls, but it looks like several of them didn't go topless. I am a bit surprised to see Nicole flashing her goods. Not only that, but she and Fugly Lisa go through Lisa's stash of alcohol (which is considerable). Wow, Fugly Lisa a booze-hag? Who would have thunk it? Actually, who wouldn't have thunk it? I guess it's possible some infants may not have been able to call that one. Fugly Lisa continues giving "advice" to the other girls about their posing and such. Even if we give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she doesn't know she's driving the other girls batshit, Coryn gives it to her straight: "Why would I listen to someone I'm competing against? That's stupid." Hah! Sock it to her, Coryn! So now Fugly Lisa knows that Coryn doesn't want the "tips" she has to give. Let's keep that in mind for later. The funniest part of this scene is that Fugly Lisa interviews that Coryn is "hard looking" and the next shot is one of Fugly Lisa looking like she's just spent about twenty years in a trailer with nothing but cartons of cigarettes and forties of Natural Light.
Tyra Mail. It says something about "pluses and minuses", so the girls think it may have something to do with math. Because math challenges show up so often on modeling shows. This ain't Square One TV, you nits. I wish it were. That show was so awesome. Remember the Mathnet case about... What? Oh. Fine. The next morning the girls go Smashbox, which is the home of LA Fashion Week. OJ tells the girls about Twiggy, and how she redefined the landscape of modeling. Diane interviews that Twiggy changed the industry so that everyone was now interested in skinny girls. She then gives the camera a look like, "that bitch", and laughs to show she's kidding. I love Diane. Twiggy then comes out to talk to the girls about turning their negatives into positives, using herself as an example, but when she tells her story, it sounds like she just happened to be in the right place at the right time. She didn't really hide what she calls her negatives. It's just that her "negatives" (like being too thin, and having ears that stick out a bit) were what people wanted to see at that point.
Bre says she's confident on the runway (which causes OJ to give Twiggy the snottiest look in the world - shut up, you fuckstick), but that her confidence doesn't translate to pictures. Diane is worried that showing off her curves makes her look like a porn star. Twiggy gives them both very patient, helpful answers about being focused and true to themselves. She's just given better advice in twenty seconds than OJ has in five seasons. Twiggy leaves, and OJ brings out Dean and Davis Factor, who own the place. He then passes out a questionnaire. Each of them has to write down what they think their own personal flaws are, along with what they think the other girls' flaws are. Kyle (looking completely gorgeous - I'm quite the Kyle fan now) interviews that she suspects Fugly Lisa will be pretty harsh on the questionnaire because she's so judgmental. Nice! Jayla's also on board with this line of thinking, interviewing that Coryn will take her criticisms to heart because Fugly Lisa's been "dogging" on her so much. OJ and the Factor boys collect the questionnaires.
Let's just say at the outset that both the flaws that the girls have chosen and OJ's advice for how to hide them are mostly bullshit. I mean, look at Jayla. The worst thing everyone could come up with are her (apparently) big ears. I'd say Jayla's teeth should be her main concern. Bre's forehead is (apparently) too large, as are her front teeth. Nicole is (apparently) too pale. Diane (apparently) doesn't show her personality (read: boobs) enough in her photos. Nike (apparently) has bug eyes. Fugly Lisa (apparently) has cross eyes. Kim (apparently) has an untoned ass and love handles, which (apparently) stem from her (apparently) narrow hips. Kyle's neck is (apparently) too short. Coryn is (apparently) too skinny and muscular. She knows immediately that it was Fugly Lisa who wrote that, but for once it's because she was asked to, so Coryn should probably save that Eye of Death for later.
It's later. The girls are getting ready for a photo shoot challenge, and someone asks Coryn what's wrong. "Dumb bitches. They get on my nerves." I guess Fugly Lisa is so annoying that she counts as two people now, because I don't think Coryn is referring to anyone else. Fugly Lisa's all like "whatever you have to say, why don't you confront me with it?" hoping Coryn will back down. Coryn does not back down. She essentially says "I have nothing to say to you, and am not interested in anything you have to say to me, so let's each just pretend the other doesn't exist." Fugly Lisa claims to be fine with that, but she's so not. She operates by needling and picking. She's an attention whore. Someone cutting off contact is the best punishment you could ever devise for her. Coryn even says outright, but very calmly: "I just don't like you." Awesome.
Commercials. That ad for Television Scene It just shamefully reminds me that I haven't been able to beat my sister at that game. Thanks for destroying my self-confidence, commercials.
When we return, that little fight scene is recapped, along with Jayla telling us the same thing. We get it now, thanks. Not two minutes after Fugly Lisa proclaimed to be fine with not talking to Coryn, she whines "what, you don't want to sit next to me?" to her. She may just be doing it to annoy her, but Coryn will not be swayed; she shuts her down again. Kyle and Kim are happy that Coryn spoke out and said what they've all been thinking. Fugly Lisa then interviews "Everyone let her be mad at me," like she was expecting the other girls to leap to her defense. She may just be that delusional. Suddenly, the girls are back at the pad, opening Tyra Mail. Wait, so why were they just putting on makeup and stuff at Smashbox? This is confusing.
OK, I must have missed something, or this show's editors need a spanking. It's now the next day, and time for a challenge that Miss J describes. The girls will be directing their photographer (yet another Jay) for two shots: one that accentuates their "flaw", and one that hides it. Bre's up first. She's wearing a T-shirt that reads "I [heart] Black People" that I covet. She does a fairly good job, though I'm not sure she did a great job hiding her forehead in the second shot. Diane. Her two shots are almost identical. Sigh. Jayla tries to hide her Dumbo ears by turning to the side for her second shot, but it doesn't work. Nike. It's strange to say, but she actually doesn't do a good job in her first shot, i.e.: accentuating her big eyes. She looks drop-dead gorgeous in the second one. She's not even made up for a photo shoot! She's so going to win this season. Coryn sucks, but how do you hide your "flaw" if it's a muscular body? She doesn't have a burqua on hand. Fugly Lisa's second shot looks good, but she's not really working with or around her "lazy eye". Nicole does a good job, possibly by having the photographer overexpose her. Kyle's great, though she's not good at explaining to the photographer what she wants. Not only does her first shot make it look like she has a short neck, and the second one doesn't, but she looks beautiful in both shots! How'd she do that? Kim sucks. Have we seen her take a good picture yet? I really don't think we have.
Jay (the photographer) gets to choose the challenge's winner: Kyle! Yay! She's thrilled. She and two friends get to go to a spa for a massage. Finally, a good reward. Poor Bre's probably spitting mad, thinking of her caviar dinner. Kyle chooses Kim and Coryn. They have a great time at the spa. They start talking shit about who they like and hate in the house. Meow. Of course, Kyle isn't bitching about anyone. Kyle never bitches about the others. Just like always, she listens and nods her head while Kim and Coryn shred Fugly Lisa.
The next day, Jayla opens the Tyra Mail. It says something about "fake it till you make it" and that the girls should be ready at 6:30 AM. Wait! You just showed us an evening scene at the spa followed by a bright blue sky. Is it not the next day? It must not be. Who's editing this crap? Whatever. Let's just cut ahead to the photo shoot. The girls meet OJ at a set that's made up to look like a plastic surgery operating room. What the fuck is Kim wearing? She's got her hair spiked out, blue-tinted glasses (with heavy black frames), a blue and white (striped, of course) shirt, and a fur stole wrapped around her neck. Is she blind? She looks ridiculous. OJ explains that the shoot will be poking fun at people who take plastic surgery to the extreme. Who do we know that would have some expertise in that area? Why, it's guest photographer Janice Dickinson! The girls cheer when she comes out, but she's not satisfied until Jayla bows down and worships at her feet. Heh. Bre is understandably nervous that Janice will slice her to ribbons.
Commercials. It's not like I'd ever blow off my grandmother to go smoke pot, but if I had? She wouldn't have sat around all day waiting for me. But then, she wasn't a moron.
Fugly Lisa is happy to see Janice because she thinks they're a lot alike. Nice try, Fugly Lisa. You may both be certifiably insane, but Janice has the intelligence and guts to carry it off. There's an obvious overdub where OJ tells the girls that the procedures are fake. First of all, duh. Secondly, I'm not sure why the producers felt the need to insert that, but it was really poorly done. Are they just pulling people off the street to edit this episode? Fugly Lisa's getting a "face lift". Why not just actually give her one? We'd all win. Bre's getting "cheek implants". Jayla - "butt implant". Kyle - "lip implant". Nike - "hair extension". Nicole - "fake tan". Kim - "boob job". Diane - "breast reduction". Coryn - "Botox". Hit it! The girls go into hair and makeup. Janice starts explaining to Kyle why she became a model, and slithers onto her lap. Kyle looks completely freaked out. She interviews that Janice is intimidating because she's so forward. So true. It's appalling that the show dumped her. I guess Tyra was tired of being upstaged. Janice asks Kim if she's a lesbian. Kim: "Yes." Janice: "That's hot." I suppose reading twenty "heh" or "Ha!" or "HAHAHAHA!!!" would be tiresome, but you should assume I'm giggling delightedly through this entire scene. Bre asks for a little smooch and Janice gives her one, followed by an offhand "Nice!". Fugly Lisa swaggers up to her, convinced they're soul sisters and Janice knocks her down a peg or twelve. Fugly Lisa disses the other girls. Janice tells her not to dis the other girls. Fugly Lisa denies dissing the other girls, apparently hoping that Janice's memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds. Which it probably isn't. Coryn calls Fugly Lisa on her bullshit, and suddenly Fugly Lisa is bawling in an interview about how "offended" she is that Janice and Coryn were so blunt, even though she said that's what she loves about Janice, and it's what makes them so alike. Apparently, Fugly Lisa hopes that our memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds.
That little scene, right there? Bumped the episode grade by a full letter. Classic.
Nike's up first, and Janice thinks the shot will be better if Nike's naked, with the hair extensions covering her naughty bits. She's right. Nike looks terrific, as always. Kim shows no expression in her face, and Janice tears her a new asshole. It's about time someone did. I don't hate Kim, but she is a terrible model. Kyle looks wonderful, and Janice has nothing but praise for her. Sweet. I'm not wild about Bre's hair, but her face is pretty. Janice doesn't think she connects with the camera. I suppose that's true. Coryn. Janice says she needs softness in her face. Huh? Coryn's supposed to be portraying someone who just got Botox. Softness should be the last thing you see in her face. Poor Coryn. She just can't catch a break today. Fugly Lisa goes up for her turn while Kim and Jayla make fun of her on the sidelines. Janice hears them and declares them jealous, which they probably are. Like I said, I don't have a lot of problems with Kim, and I think my feelings on Fugly Lisa are pretty clear, but Lisa has looked better than Kim in every single picture taken in this competition so far, including this one. Nicole's fake tan makes her look completely fried, and she does an excellent job, which Janice notes. Jayla's boring. Diane's boobs are taped down, which she finds painful. She cries. As usual, her face is really pretty when she poses, but her insecurity shows, and she can't pose very well. Janice advises the girls to be kind to their fellow models, and they go home.
Elimination looms, which Nike and Diane note in the confessional. Diane looks completely destroyed by this point. She looks tired and depressed and you just want to reach out and give her a hug. Everyone's nervous about the upcoming panel.
Commercials. I would literally rather watch two hours of actual fog than The Fog.
We are welcomed into the Chamber of Doom with a picture of Tyra pulling her eyes back so that she looks like a freak. Is that what her flaw is supposed to be? What'ere, Jane Eyre. She introduces the judges, including the Factor boys as the guest judges. What the fuck? They spent all of two minutes with the girls and all they did was collect the questionnaires! Janice was the guest photographer, and should have been the guest judge. Does Tyra really hate her that much? The final challenge is to try to explain away your flaw at a fake go-see. Most of the girls do fine. Nike has straight hair for the elimination, and still looks good. I don't know how she can transition from straight to curly and back again so often. Fugly Lisa tries that trick where you pretend to be self-deprecating, and it backfires. Kim describes her poses to the judges, which they don't appreciate. Nigel makes the "blah blah blah" motion with his hands. Heh.
Photo evaluations. Diane is too insecure. Nigel tells her that they want a "plus size" personality, which is really insulting when you stop to think about it. Her photo is fairly good. Tyra tells the others that Janice shot the pictures, and Nigel says that models make the best photographers, just so we can transition to shots of Nigel when he was a model himself. I won't deny my baser instincts. Nigel was fiiiiiiiiine. He still is. Plus, that British accent? Mmm. By now both the judges and I have completely forgotten about poor Diane. Kim. Miss J likens Kim's posing explanations to Charlie Brown's schoolteacher. That is a perfect analogy. Her photo is so, so boring. In my admittedly not very expert opinion, she's just not photogenic in the least. The judges tell Fugly Lisa not to point out her flaws to people who may be looking to hire her, like, DUH. Her photo is beautiful and the judges are pleased with her. Coryn is too sad and stoic. I don't like her photo, and the judges seem mostly bored by it. Everyone has nothing but praise for Kyle. The judges seem more interested in the picture of Jennifer Lopez tacked to the wall in Jayla's photo than they are in Jayla herself. Nicole doesn't push herself to any limits, relying on the same sort of poses in each shot. That makes some sense. The entire world loves Nike. Nigel notes that Bre looks down in the mouth this week. She tells them that the criticisms in elimination can wear you down after a while, which was a bad idea, no matter how true it is. They will cut you loose in a second if you lose your spark. Look what happened to poor Brittany in Cycle 4. They do love her photo, though.
Commercials. I feel for the girl who's making grotesque faces because her contacts are bugging her. Those fuckers can hurt.
Deliberations. Bre's in trouble because of her depressed attitude. So is Coryn. So is Diane. Elimination. Kyle is safe. Jayla. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Nicole. Kim. Coryn. Will Diane and Bre please step forward? This is interesting, because Bre did fairly well in the flaw challenge, did a good job at the photo shoot, and passed her fake go-see with flying colors. The only reason she's in the bottom two is because she doesn't like getting torn down week after week. That doesn't seem quite fair. Maybe the judges are just trying to put a scare into her, because she's safe and Diane will be the one going home. She hugs the other girls as she begins to cry, and thanks Tyra for the opportunity as she leaves. Aw. Hey, this is different Girl Goes Home music. Still smiling brightly through her tears, Diane says that business is business and she guesses she has more to learn. She's a sweetie. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra implies that there's backstabbing afoot when the girls shoot a commercial, but it looks like Nike (who's about as cutthroat and vicious as a salamander) is involved, so I doubt it. Fugly Lisa and Coryn continue to be mortal enemies.
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Cassandra decided that cutting seven inches off her hair was fine, but eight? Now you've gone too far! She quit the competition and vowed to return to beauty pageants. Hopefully, she returns to a salon first so they can try to salvage something out of that hideous mess. Tyra states that a "crush on Kim" caused Sarah's performance to suffer, but when was Sarah's performance any better? In any case, the pontoon-lipped Missourian was cut loose, and came home to her boyfriend, whose first words to her were probably "So, you were into some chick, huh? Because my friend Candy said that she wouldn't mind joining us some night. Here, do this shot of Wild Turkey." Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Bel Air. Kim feels a bit ambivalent about Sarah's elimination, since she was on the block as well. If Kim doesn't start taking better pictures soon, she may be joining Sarah in Loserville. Eh, who am I kidding? This show loves mouthy lesbians. Kim won't be cut until the final four or so. The remaining girls decide to take a picture of themselves, some of them topless. Nicole interviews that Diane didn't want to be in the booby shots, I guess because she's curvier than the other girls, but it looks like several of them didn't go topless. I am a bit surprised to see Nicole flashing her goods. Not only that, but she and Fugly Lisa go through Lisa's stash of alcohol (which is considerable). Wow, Fugly Lisa a booze-hag? Who would have thunk it? Actually, who wouldn't have thunk it? I guess it's possible some infants may not have been able to call that one. Fugly Lisa continues giving "advice" to the other girls about their posing and such. Even if we give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she doesn't know she's driving the other girls batshit, Coryn gives it to her straight: "Why would I listen to someone I'm competing against? That's stupid." Hah! Sock it to her, Coryn! So now Fugly Lisa knows that Coryn doesn't want the "tips" she has to give. Let's keep that in mind for later. The funniest part of this scene is that Fugly Lisa interviews that Coryn is "hard looking" and the next shot is one of Fugly Lisa looking like she's just spent about twenty years in a trailer with nothing but cartons of cigarettes and forties of Natural Light.
Tyra Mail. It says something about "pluses and minuses", so the girls think it may have something to do with math. Because math challenges show up so often on modeling shows. This ain't Square One TV, you nits. I wish it were. That show was so awesome. Remember the Mathnet case about... What? Oh. Fine. The next morning the girls go Smashbox, which is the home of LA Fashion Week. OJ tells the girls about Twiggy, and how she redefined the landscape of modeling. Diane interviews that Twiggy changed the industry so that everyone was now interested in skinny girls. She then gives the camera a look like, "that bitch", and laughs to show she's kidding. I love Diane. Twiggy then comes out to talk to the girls about turning their negatives into positives, using herself as an example, but when she tells her story, it sounds like she just happened to be in the right place at the right time. She didn't really hide what she calls her negatives. It's just that her "negatives" (like being too thin, and having ears that stick out a bit) were what people wanted to see at that point.
Bre says she's confident on the runway (which causes OJ to give Twiggy the snottiest look in the world - shut up, you fuckstick), but that her confidence doesn't translate to pictures. Diane is worried that showing off her curves makes her look like a porn star. Twiggy gives them both very patient, helpful answers about being focused and true to themselves. She's just given better advice in twenty seconds than OJ has in five seasons. Twiggy leaves, and OJ brings out Dean and Davis Factor, who own the place. He then passes out a questionnaire. Each of them has to write down what they think their own personal flaws are, along with what they think the other girls' flaws are. Kyle (looking completely gorgeous - I'm quite the Kyle fan now) interviews that she suspects Fugly Lisa will be pretty harsh on the questionnaire because she's so judgmental. Nice! Jayla's also on board with this line of thinking, interviewing that Coryn will take her criticisms to heart because Fugly Lisa's been "dogging" on her so much. OJ and the Factor boys collect the questionnaires.
Let's just say at the outset that both the flaws that the girls have chosen and OJ's advice for how to hide them are mostly bullshit. I mean, look at Jayla. The worst thing everyone could come up with are her (apparently) big ears. I'd say Jayla's teeth should be her main concern. Bre's forehead is (apparently) too large, as are her front teeth. Nicole is (apparently) too pale. Diane (apparently) doesn't show her personality (read: boobs) enough in her photos. Nike (apparently) has bug eyes. Fugly Lisa (apparently) has cross eyes. Kim (apparently) has an untoned ass and love handles, which (apparently) stem from her (apparently) narrow hips. Kyle's neck is (apparently) too short. Coryn is (apparently) too skinny and muscular. She knows immediately that it was Fugly Lisa who wrote that, but for once it's because she was asked to, so Coryn should probably save that Eye of Death for later.
It's later. The girls are getting ready for a photo shoot challenge, and someone asks Coryn what's wrong. "Dumb bitches. They get on my nerves." I guess Fugly Lisa is so annoying that she counts as two people now, because I don't think Coryn is referring to anyone else. Fugly Lisa's all like "whatever you have to say, why don't you confront me with it?" hoping Coryn will back down. Coryn does not back down. She essentially says "I have nothing to say to you, and am not interested in anything you have to say to me, so let's each just pretend the other doesn't exist." Fugly Lisa claims to be fine with that, but she's so not. She operates by needling and picking. She's an attention whore. Someone cutting off contact is the best punishment you could ever devise for her. Coryn even says outright, but very calmly: "I just don't like you." Awesome.
Commercials. That ad for Television Scene It just shamefully reminds me that I haven't been able to beat my sister at that game. Thanks for destroying my self-confidence, commercials.
When we return, that little fight scene is recapped, along with Jayla telling us the same thing. We get it now, thanks. Not two minutes after Fugly Lisa proclaimed to be fine with not talking to Coryn, she whines "what, you don't want to sit next to me?" to her. She may just be doing it to annoy her, but Coryn will not be swayed; she shuts her down again. Kyle and Kim are happy that Coryn spoke out and said what they've all been thinking. Fugly Lisa then interviews "Everyone let her be mad at me," like she was expecting the other girls to leap to her defense. She may just be that delusional. Suddenly, the girls are back at the pad, opening Tyra Mail. Wait, so why were they just putting on makeup and stuff at Smashbox? This is confusing.
OK, I must have missed something, or this show's editors need a spanking. It's now the next day, and time for a challenge that Miss J describes. The girls will be directing their photographer (yet another Jay) for two shots: one that accentuates their "flaw", and one that hides it. Bre's up first. She's wearing a T-shirt that reads "I [heart] Black People" that I covet. She does a fairly good job, though I'm not sure she did a great job hiding her forehead in the second shot. Diane. Her two shots are almost identical. Sigh. Jayla tries to hide her Dumbo ears by turning to the side for her second shot, but it doesn't work. Nike. It's strange to say, but she actually doesn't do a good job in her first shot, i.e.: accentuating her big eyes. She looks drop-dead gorgeous in the second one. She's not even made up for a photo shoot! She's so going to win this season. Coryn sucks, but how do you hide your "flaw" if it's a muscular body? She doesn't have a burqua on hand. Fugly Lisa's second shot looks good, but she's not really working with or around her "lazy eye". Nicole does a good job, possibly by having the photographer overexpose her. Kyle's great, though she's not good at explaining to the photographer what she wants. Not only does her first shot make it look like she has a short neck, and the second one doesn't, but she looks beautiful in both shots! How'd she do that? Kim sucks. Have we seen her take a good picture yet? I really don't think we have.
Jay (the photographer) gets to choose the challenge's winner: Kyle! Yay! She's thrilled. She and two friends get to go to a spa for a massage. Finally, a good reward. Poor Bre's probably spitting mad, thinking of her caviar dinner. Kyle chooses Kim and Coryn. They have a great time at the spa. They start talking shit about who they like and hate in the house. Meow. Of course, Kyle isn't bitching about anyone. Kyle never bitches about the others. Just like always, she listens and nods her head while Kim and Coryn shred Fugly Lisa.
The next day, Jayla opens the Tyra Mail. It says something about "fake it till you make it" and that the girls should be ready at 6:30 AM. Wait! You just showed us an evening scene at the spa followed by a bright blue sky. Is it not the next day? It must not be. Who's editing this crap? Whatever. Let's just cut ahead to the photo shoot. The girls meet OJ at a set that's made up to look like a plastic surgery operating room. What the fuck is Kim wearing? She's got her hair spiked out, blue-tinted glasses (with heavy black frames), a blue and white (striped, of course) shirt, and a fur stole wrapped around her neck. Is she blind? She looks ridiculous. OJ explains that the shoot will be poking fun at people who take plastic surgery to the extreme. Who do we know that would have some expertise in that area? Why, it's guest photographer Janice Dickinson! The girls cheer when she comes out, but she's not satisfied until Jayla bows down and worships at her feet. Heh. Bre is understandably nervous that Janice will slice her to ribbons.
Commercials. It's not like I'd ever blow off my grandmother to go smoke pot, but if I had? She wouldn't have sat around all day waiting for me. But then, she wasn't a moron.
Fugly Lisa is happy to see Janice because she thinks they're a lot alike. Nice try, Fugly Lisa. You may both be certifiably insane, but Janice has the intelligence and guts to carry it off. There's an obvious overdub where OJ tells the girls that the procedures are fake. First of all, duh. Secondly, I'm not sure why the producers felt the need to insert that, but it was really poorly done. Are they just pulling people off the street to edit this episode? Fugly Lisa's getting a "face lift". Why not just actually give her one? We'd all win. Bre's getting "cheek implants". Jayla - "butt implant". Kyle - "lip implant". Nike - "hair extension". Nicole - "fake tan". Kim - "boob job". Diane - "breast reduction". Coryn - "Botox". Hit it! The girls go into hair and makeup. Janice starts explaining to Kyle why she became a model, and slithers onto her lap. Kyle looks completely freaked out. She interviews that Janice is intimidating because she's so forward. So true. It's appalling that the show dumped her. I guess Tyra was tired of being upstaged. Janice asks Kim if she's a lesbian. Kim: "Yes." Janice: "That's hot." I suppose reading twenty "heh" or "Ha!" or "HAHAHAHA!!!" would be tiresome, but you should assume I'm giggling delightedly through this entire scene. Bre asks for a little smooch and Janice gives her one, followed by an offhand "Nice!". Fugly Lisa swaggers up to her, convinced they're soul sisters and Janice knocks her down a peg or twelve. Fugly Lisa disses the other girls. Janice tells her not to dis the other girls. Fugly Lisa denies dissing the other girls, apparently hoping that Janice's memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds. Which it probably isn't. Coryn calls Fugly Lisa on her bullshit, and suddenly Fugly Lisa is bawling in an interview about how "offended" she is that Janice and Coryn were so blunt, even though she said that's what she loves about Janice, and it's what makes them so alike. Apparently, Fugly Lisa hopes that our memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds.
That little scene, right there? Bumped the episode grade by a full letter. Classic.
Nike's up first, and Janice thinks the shot will be better if Nike's naked, with the hair extensions covering her naughty bits. She's right. Nike looks terrific, as always. Kim shows no expression in her face, and Janice tears her a new asshole. It's about time someone did. I don't hate Kim, but she is a terrible model. Kyle looks wonderful, and Janice has nothing but praise for her. Sweet. I'm not wild about Bre's hair, but her face is pretty. Janice doesn't think she connects with the camera. I suppose that's true. Coryn. Janice says she needs softness in her face. Huh? Coryn's supposed to be portraying someone who just got Botox. Softness should be the last thing you see in her face. Poor Coryn. She just can't catch a break today. Fugly Lisa goes up for her turn while Kim and Jayla make fun of her on the sidelines. Janice hears them and declares them jealous, which they probably are. Like I said, I don't have a lot of problems with Kim, and I think my feelings on Fugly Lisa are pretty clear, but Lisa has looked better than Kim in every single picture taken in this competition so far, including this one. Nicole's fake tan makes her look completely fried, and she does an excellent job, which Janice notes. Jayla's boring. Diane's boobs are taped down, which she finds painful. She cries. As usual, her face is really pretty when she poses, but her insecurity shows, and she can't pose very well. Janice advises the girls to be kind to their fellow models, and they go home.
Elimination looms, which Nike and Diane note in the confessional. Diane looks completely destroyed by this point. She looks tired and depressed and you just want to reach out and give her a hug. Everyone's nervous about the upcoming panel.
Commercials. I would literally rather watch two hours of actual fog than The Fog.
We are welcomed into the Chamber of Doom with a picture of Tyra pulling her eyes back so that she looks like a freak. Is that what her flaw is supposed to be? What'ere, Jane Eyre. She introduces the judges, including the Factor boys as the guest judges. What the fuck? They spent all of two minutes with the girls and all they did was collect the questionnaires! Janice was the guest photographer, and should have been the guest judge. Does Tyra really hate her that much? The final challenge is to try to explain away your flaw at a fake go-see. Most of the girls do fine. Nike has straight hair for the elimination, and still looks good. I don't know how she can transition from straight to curly and back again so often. Fugly Lisa tries that trick where you pretend to be self-deprecating, and it backfires. Kim describes her poses to the judges, which they don't appreciate. Nigel makes the "blah blah blah" motion with his hands. Heh.
Photo evaluations. Diane is too insecure. Nigel tells her that they want a "plus size" personality, which is really insulting when you stop to think about it. Her photo is fairly good. Tyra tells the others that Janice shot the pictures, and Nigel says that models make the best photographers, just so we can transition to shots of Nigel when he was a model himself. I won't deny my baser instincts. Nigel was fiiiiiiiiine. He still is. Plus, that British accent? Mmm. By now both the judges and I have completely forgotten about poor Diane. Kim. Miss J likens Kim's posing explanations to Charlie Brown's schoolteacher. That is a perfect analogy. Her photo is so, so boring. In my admittedly not very expert opinion, she's just not photogenic in the least. The judges tell Fugly Lisa not to point out her flaws to people who may be looking to hire her, like, DUH. Her photo is beautiful and the judges are pleased with her. Coryn is too sad and stoic. I don't like her photo, and the judges seem mostly bored by it. Everyone has nothing but praise for Kyle. The judges seem more interested in the picture of Jennifer Lopez tacked to the wall in Jayla's photo than they are in Jayla herself. Nicole doesn't push herself to any limits, relying on the same sort of poses in each shot. That makes some sense. The entire world loves Nike. Nigel notes that Bre looks down in the mouth this week. She tells them that the criticisms in elimination can wear you down after a while, which was a bad idea, no matter how true it is. They will cut you loose in a second if you lose your spark. Look what happened to poor Brittany in Cycle 4. They do love her photo, though.
Commercials. I feel for the girl who's making grotesque faces because her contacts are bugging her. Those fuckers can hurt.
Deliberations. Bre's in trouble because of her depressed attitude. So is Coryn. So is Diane. Elimination. Kyle is safe. Jayla. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Nicole. Kim. Coryn. Will Diane and Bre please step forward? This is interesting, because Bre did fairly well in the flaw challenge, did a good job at the photo shoot, and passed her fake go-see with flying colors. The only reason she's in the bottom two is because she doesn't like getting torn down week after week. That doesn't seem quite fair. Maybe the judges are just trying to put a scare into her, because she's safe and Diane will be the one going home. She hugs the other girls as she begins to cry, and thanks Tyra for the opportunity as she leaves. Aw. Hey, this is different Girl Goes Home music. Still smiling brightly through her tears, Diane says that business is business and she guesses she has more to learn. She's a sweetie. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra implies that there's backstabbing afoot when the girls shoot a commercial, but it looks like Nike (who's about as cutthroat and vicious as a salamander) is involved, so I doubt it. Fugly Lisa and Coryn continue to be mortal enemies.
Overall Grade: C+
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I Don't Kiss, I Make Out!
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 3
Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams made their way from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to Washington, D.C. Several teams wound up at the wrong reflecting pool, because reading the clue is, like, hard and stuff. Afterwards, they took part in a "covert" Roadblock that Harriet the Spy would have dismissed as too juvenile. Nobody "EVAH EVAH EVAH" listens to Mama Paolo! If she'd like to know why, I'd point out that harridan and harpy are really close to each other in the dictionary. It wouldn't take long for her to look up both. Several teams appeared to struggle at the Civil War themed Detour, but they could have been at it all day and night without it making a whit of difference, since the Rogers family got lost over and over again, then got eliminated. Way to rule that family, Denny! Eight teams remain. Which team's elimination will cause me to question my faith in God tonight?
Credits. That advancing pastel wall of Weavers is horrifying. No wonder they're holding those horses so tightly. The poor things are probably trying to bolt. Commercials. I'm not sure how someone knowing I like plantains would lead to my identity being stolen. You wanna pass the ganja, AOL?
Middleburg, Virginia. Apparently, the twelve hour pit stop rule is in effect this week, as the Weavers leave at 2:26 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and drive themselves to the Battery. A gazebo there will have their next clue. Hah! Last week, I said that the Weavers needed more Carmen Sandiego in their lives, and the Battery is exactly where Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego sends you when you go to South Carolina. Rebecca interviews that they don't want any "drama" on the race. Welcome to Reality Show Foreshadowing 101. The Linzes are leaving at 2:27 AM. Megan says that sometimes her brothers don't listen to her because she's the lone girl in a group of macho guys. I'd say they're not so much macho as emotionally retarded. I can see how she'd get those confused, though. The Pink Ladies are off at 2:29 AM. Sharon interviews that the family doesn't really have a leader, because she doesn't want to say the truth, which is that she is the leader. The other ladies babble amongst themselves as Sharon tries to direct their driver to the airport they need to go to. I like Sharon. The Shroeders leave at 2:35 AM. Char is happy that the kids don't think of her as a stepmom in that "negative connotation". My, they're laying the foreshadowing on thick this week. Also, do people still automatically assign stepmothers a negative connotation? Isn't the Cinderella age behind us now? My stepmother is great. We hear the most out of Hunter yet as he says he's not very familiar with Charleston. Char tells him they need to focus and he rolls his eyes and gives a massive (though silent) "whatever". Heh.
Matt Aiello does a happy little jig on the mat as they leave at 2:37 AM. He is so adorable. They read off that they need to go to Chaaaaalston. OK, he's adorable, but those Boston accents are not. Ugh. The Bransens' departure time is 2:38 AM. These times are really close together. I thought that traffic jam last week slowed some teams down. Guess not. Walter is still wearing that "Late Night with David Letterman" shirt. He's been wearing that thing for, like, three days now. Ew. The Gaghans leave at 2:43 AM with a little pep talk from Billy. Tammy interviews that they're trying to raise the children like little adults instead of kids that are going to hold them back. I can certainly get behind that. Kids aren't dumb; I never patronize them. I'll be treating my impending nephew as a social equal when he's about three weeks old. Bill interviews that his kids are great, and he's really proud of them. Aw. Blood Ray makes throaty growls at my side. Down, boy.
The Weavers and Linzes are stuck behind some oversized trucks on the highway. Meanwhile, the Bransens borrow a cell phone from their driver and call ahead to the airport to check on flights. The Gaghans do the same thing. They both find the same US Air flight, which arrives in Charleston at 10:06 AM. The Paolos are now leaving at 3:05 AM. I'm anxious to get away from them, but the next team we see is the Weavers, so my situation hasn't much improved. It hasn't improved for them either, as they realize they have missed their exit. They decide to ask their driver to stop on the highway, and back up so they can get to the exit. Normally, I'd blast them for doing something so stupid (and do they really want to do something so dangerous, given the way the father died?), but it wasn't their fault they missed the exit, there's hardly any traffic around, since it's the middle of the night, and I'd probably break some traffic laws too if I were in a race for a million dollars. That's pretty much the last time you'll hear me defend the Weavers tonight. Hope you enjoyed it, Weaver fans. All zero of you.
The Linzes and Weavers arrive at the Washington-Dulles airport. They find a flight at Independence Air that gets them into Charleston at 10:04 AM, two minutes earlier than the flight the Bransens and Gaghans know about. Eh, I wouldn't really worry about a two minute difference. More teams arrive at the airport. Walter gives the Aiello family the tip that he's found the first flight, which he hasn't, but again: two minutes. To their credit, the Aiellos note the earlier flight at Independence Air, and pass the word along to the Bransens. The Pink Ladies have already arrived and gotten these tickets. As the Aiellos buy tickets from one agent, the Shroeders buy them from another, and that sells out the Independence flight, so the Bransens won't be able to get on. They scuttle off to US Air to get the other flight. The Gaghans arrive and get the same tickets, and now that one is sold out as well.
And now, the comment we had to rewind to watch about three times, because we couldn't believe someone would actually utter it. Linda Weaver: "We've got time just to come and familiarize ourselves with the airport, and find out...anything." You see, the Weavers don't know how air travel works. Seriously, they don't. They're asking airline agents for information. Not specific information; just stuff like how airports work. Can I ask why they applied to be on this show? Did they not think air travel was going to enter into the picture at some point? Stassi watches them suspiciously, sure that they're up to something sneaky. I guess she doesn't know that they're too dumb for mischief. The Aiellos also think they're up to something, and David asks them if they found a better flight. They ignore him, and he's completely pissed off. I mean, the Weavers don't really have an obligation to help their direct competition, but it seems that David's more mad because they wouldn't even acknowledge his presence, not even with a "can't help you, sorry." That, I understand. The only comfort I can give him is that he wouldn't want to associate with the Weavers, anyway. Well, I could offer another kind of comfort, but Blood Ray would kill me. The Paolos finally arrive and get a flight on United that puts them in Charleston at 10:38 AM. It's always nice to see them behind.
As the teams wait for their flights, Rolly and Hunter bond the way pre-teen boys bond: by punching each other in the leg. Char is not thrilled to see this, because she's sure Hunter is passing vital information to the Weavers such as... Such as... Anyway, she pulls Hunter aside and in her own words, tells him to shut his piehole. The minute her back is turned, Hunter tells Rolly she's a bitch. So much for them not sticking you in the "evil stepmother" pigeon-hole, there, Char. The first two flights take off. The Paolos are being typically Paolish. I refuse to pay attention to them. Their flight takes off too, and unfortunately is not diverted to the center of a black hole.
Commercials. I know we're supposed to find that commercial where the guy flies his wife's whole family to Italy and re-proposes to her romantic, but I really want to punch all of them in the mouth.
Charleston, South Carolina. The first flight lands, and everyone picks a car to go to the Battery. The Linzes call the Weavers "team fruit loop", which is an insult to an awesome cereal. Also, show? It's Froot Loop. Get it right. Although it does warm my heart to see team after team express disgust with the Weavers. Flight #2 also lands. The Shroeders are first to the gazebo. The clue is this week's Detour: Forrest Gump or Muddy Waters. Wow, this is some truly stupid Detour-naming. If and when the race gets to St. Louis, do not name one of the choices after an overrated sappy movie, please. In Forrest Gump, teams go seven miles, get onto a boat, and de-head two hundred pounds of shrimp. In Muddy Waters, teams go 37 miles, get into a 4x4, and drive through a mud bog. My initial instinct would be to go for the shrimp, not only because I would hate any and all driving tasks, but because it sounds genuinely faster. Other teams have also reached the clue. The Shroeders and Linzes head for the shrimp, while the Weavers go for the mud bog. Flight #3 lands. The Pink Ladies find the gazebo and choose shrimp, while the Aiellos head for the mud bog. I love typing the phrase "mud bog".
The Shroeders reach the boat and get a quick lesson in de-heading shrimp. Char calls the lady on the boat "ma'am", so it's good to see she's only a bitch to Hunter, and not to strangers. They get started. The Linzes have a little spat, but find the boats as well. The Pink Ladies are right behind, and what the hell? Christine is wearing rubber dish gloves. In their car. Um...why? Whatever. The Gaghans arrive at the gazebo in sixth (mud bog!), and the Bransens are close behind. They choose shrimp. The Weavers and Aiellos arrive at the mud bog. Mud bog! They both get stuck in the mud. Bog. Mud bog! The Bransens are already starting their shrimp. The Paolos are at the gazebo and choose shrimp. More problems for the families at the mud bog. Mud bog! Back at the boats, Stassi is yelling at Hunter for not de-heading the shrimp correctly. "Hunter, let me demonstrate what you are doing!" she bleats. "Let me demonstrate how to shut up," he replies. I kind of love Hunter. Everyone laughs. I go back and forth on the Shroeders. Sometimes, they're genuinely funny. If Mark talked a lot less, I'd probably like them a lot more. Tommy Linz gives one of his unlucky shrimp (in more ways than one) a French kiss. The Pink Ladies snip at each other. The Bransens are tearing through their shrimp. They're glad to have found something they're good at.
The Gaghans have arrived at the mud bog. Mud bog! After their sixth failure, the Weavers give up and head for the shrimp instead. The Shroeders have finished their shrimp. Their clue sends them to the Charleston Visitor Center to sign up for one of two buses that will take them to a "mystery destination"; one that leaves at 3:00 PM, and one that leaves at 5:00 PM. The Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens are done with the shrimp, as the Paolos get started on theirs. Mud bog! The Gaghans make it through the run on their first attempt. Ouch. That's gotta be even more embarrassing for the Aiellos than when they got passed in the Amish buggy. Back at the Visitor Center, the Linzes, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Bransens get on the first bus. Wait, wait, wait. Assuming the two-minute flight difference didn't amount to much, everyone except the Paolos should have been on a fairly equal footing upon arrival in Charleston. The Gaghans got through the Detour on their first attempt, and are still stuck on the later bus. In other words, much like in the first episode, one of the Detour options has zero advantages. Any team that chose Muddy Waters is automatically hosed. This is complete crap.
Now that it doesn't matter in the least, let's check in with the Aiellos! They're still not through the course on their 13th attempt. Why is Kevin still driving? Shouldn't someone else give it a go after you fail five times or so? David bounces around in the passenger seat trying to will the car forward with his body and grunting. He's hot. Blood Ray: "I'd like an audio loop of David's voice during that scene."
Commercials. Once upon a time, my mother pointed out that every single Country Crock ad ends with that simpering woman's asinine giggle. Now I can't hear anything else.
Poor, ineffectual Kevin is finally ejected from the driver's seat, and big, strong David gets them through the course on the 14th attempt. Mud bog! That's nice and all, but we know they're stuck on the loser bus, so boo. The Gaghans are just now getting the bad news that they're on it too. The Paolos still need to shut the fuck up. Even worse, now that the Weavers are in last place, it doesn't make a difference. I hate this episode. The Paolos are at the Visitor Center before the Aiellos (who arrived in Charleston a half an hour earlier), so there's another clue that the shrimp was way too easy. I hate this episode. The Weavers finally catch up. On the loser bus, Bill Gaghan joyfully yells "We're all in last plaaaaace!" and everyone cheers. Heh.
Phil lets us in on the mystery destination: Huntsville, Alabama, which is eight hours away. Once there, the teams will find their next clue. Care to tell us where in Huntsville they're going, Phil? I guess not. Oh, here we go. The clue is at the bus station, and tells them to go to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, five miles away. They have to find a specific hangar once they get there. Hope you like the order that the teams leave the bus station, because there is pretty much no way that anyone can get ahead or behind from here on out. I hate this episode. In the lead, the Bransen girl who's driving asks where she should go, and one of the others helpfully points out that she should probably head for that giant rocket with all the lights on it in the distance. She must be the smart one. They get to the hangar first, and it's the stupidest Roadblock ever. Two team members get into a centrifuge and are spun until the pressure hits 3.2 G. So basically their task is to...sit still. I hate this episode. The only good thing about this segment is that Phil demonstrates the centrifuge, and is typically unflappable. His voice hasn't changed a bit, even though he's being spun and crushed by pressure. You show 'em, Phil. Elizabeth and Lindsay (who I only identified because of the subtitles) take it on.
Blood Ray points out that we haven't yet seen any points where teams are equalized by hours of operation. That's a good point. On a normal season, there'd be no way something like this would be open in what appears to be the middle of the night. Strange. The Linzes arrive, and we get the first, but not the last, shot of Alex staring out the window with psycho bug eyes. Aaaaaaah! The Shroeders arrive third. The Bransens begin to spin as the Linzes wait their turn. Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before one of the Linzes did the stupid sideways visor thing that was cool for twenty seconds in 1998, then thankfully sputtered and died. Might as well get it out of the way now. I hate the sideways visor thing. I also hate this episode. The Pink Ladies get to the hangar. The Bransens get their clue, which tells them to make their way on foot to Rocket Park, find a computer within the museum, log onto a web service that I am not mentioning, and get their next clue from Phil. So, since the centrifuge takes X amount of minutes, it spaces the teams out to regular intervals, so it's worth another mention that barring someone being struck by lightning or something, nothing can be done to change the order of teams. So stupid. I hate this episode.
The Linzes (Alex and Tommy) spin. Zzzzzz. The Shroeders (Mark and Stassi) spin. Zzzzzz. The Bransens find their computer. Phil tells them to go to the space shuttle Pathfinder, this week's pit stop. They're off. The Linzes do the same. Stop showing us Alex's psycho eyes! It's edited to look close, but it's so not. The Bransens hit the mat in first. The greeter is an old astronaut-looking dude. They win free gasoline for life. OK, now that is an awesome prize. I think I'd rather have that than the $5000 each of the individual Pink Ladies won in the first leg. The Bransens are thrilled. The Linzes are nowhere to be seen during this, but soon check in as team #2.
Back on the loser bus (remember them?), the Weaver girls are...crying? The hell? Why? Because they're so stressed to be on a bus and not to have gotten any sleep or whatever. Well, I'd suggest that instead of whining and crying they, you know, GO TO SLEEP. Linda says that she feels like she's a prisoner on the bus. So they're being chauffeured to their next destination instead of having to navigate for themselves, and Linda's upset by this? I hate the Weavers so much. I hate this episode. They begin to freak out on the bus, and the other teams are like "Great. Not only are we behind, but we're stuck with these fucking twits." The teams stop off at Waffle House, and the Weavers decide to trick the other teams into thinking that they're not stressed at all, really they're very happy! They proceed to do the worst acting job since Claire Danes in...anything, dancing around the parking lot with huge grins. One of the Paolo sons interviews that the Weavers have snapped, and I'd agree, except that I think the Weavers snapped a long time ago.
Commercials. Eat at Jack in the Box. Because stalking someone is funny.
Bus of Crazy. The Weavers are singing loudly, while the other teams are trying to sleep. Everyone completely hates them. I never thought I'd feel sorry for the Paolos, but there it is. The Shroeders are on their way to Rocket Park, while the Pink Ladies (Michelle and Christine) spin. The loser bus arrives and everyone heads to the hangar. The Shroeders check in as team #3. The Pink Ladies are team #4. The Weavers are first of the loser bus teams to pull the clue. In the car, Bill tells Billy that at space camp, they simulate weightlessness. Billy gets a face like "that is the coolest thing I have ever heard," then declares that he wants to do whatever task it is. I've really warmed up to Billy. When the teams get there, everyone realizes that it's first come, first serve. The Paolos pull number 6, the Gaghans 7, and the Aiellos 8. I am in so much suspense as to who's going to lose this week, aren't you? The Weavers check in as team #5. Phil clearly hates their guts. Linda gives an interview that "this is us. If you like us, great. If you don't, well, we're not going to change for you." First of all, 99% of people who have to give the "I don't care if you don't like me" speech are assholes, and know they're assholes. Secondly, there's a difference between "I'm not going to change my overall personality to please you," and "I'm going to sing loudly while you're trying to sleep because that's just who I am! I gotta be me!" It's not that people don't like you just because you're you, Linda. They don't like you because you're rude, stupid, and kind of crazy.
I hate this episode. This is bullshit. Why even go over it to any amount of detail (except that Bill Gaghan looks especially good while they're waiting their turn at the centrifuge)? The teams spin in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams get to the computers in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams check in at the mat in the order they pulled the ticket. That means the Aiellos are last, and they're eliminated. Fuck. Tony is proud of his guys. David and Matt are still hot. I can't even watch this another time.
Next week on The Amazing Race: A task takes the teams to a racetrack, which causes the Weavers to freak out even more than usual. The Pink Ladies have a fight.
So let's see. We got a stupidly named, extremely poorly designed Detour. We got a boring Roadblock that spaced the teams out to the degree that all of their actions were meaningless, and we lost a loving, functional, good-looking family so that we can spend more time with the loud-ass Paolos and crazy-ass Weavers. Gotcha. And no, I didn't hear the phrase "I don't kiss, I make out!" during any of the multiple times I viewed several scenes, and I'm not going back in to find it.
I hate this episode.
Overall Grade: F
Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams made their way from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to Washington, D.C. Several teams wound up at the wrong reflecting pool, because reading the clue is, like, hard and stuff. Afterwards, they took part in a "covert" Roadblock that Harriet the Spy would have dismissed as too juvenile. Nobody "EVAH EVAH EVAH" listens to Mama Paolo! If she'd like to know why, I'd point out that harridan and harpy are really close to each other in the dictionary. It wouldn't take long for her to look up both. Several teams appeared to struggle at the Civil War themed Detour, but they could have been at it all day and night without it making a whit of difference, since the Rogers family got lost over and over again, then got eliminated. Way to rule that family, Denny! Eight teams remain. Which team's elimination will cause me to question my faith in God tonight?
Credits. That advancing pastel wall of Weavers is horrifying. No wonder they're holding those horses so tightly. The poor things are probably trying to bolt. Commercials. I'm not sure how someone knowing I like plantains would lead to my identity being stolen. You wanna pass the ganja, AOL?
Middleburg, Virginia. Apparently, the twelve hour pit stop rule is in effect this week, as the Weavers leave at 2:26 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and drive themselves to the Battery. A gazebo there will have their next clue. Hah! Last week, I said that the Weavers needed more Carmen Sandiego in their lives, and the Battery is exactly where Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego sends you when you go to South Carolina. Rebecca interviews that they don't want any "drama" on the race. Welcome to Reality Show Foreshadowing 101. The Linzes are leaving at 2:27 AM. Megan says that sometimes her brothers don't listen to her because she's the lone girl in a group of macho guys. I'd say they're not so much macho as emotionally retarded. I can see how she'd get those confused, though. The Pink Ladies are off at 2:29 AM. Sharon interviews that the family doesn't really have a leader, because she doesn't want to say the truth, which is that she is the leader. The other ladies babble amongst themselves as Sharon tries to direct their driver to the airport they need to go to. I like Sharon. The Shroeders leave at 2:35 AM. Char is happy that the kids don't think of her as a stepmom in that "negative connotation". My, they're laying the foreshadowing on thick this week. Also, do people still automatically assign stepmothers a negative connotation? Isn't the Cinderella age behind us now? My stepmother is great. We hear the most out of Hunter yet as he says he's not very familiar with Charleston. Char tells him they need to focus and he rolls his eyes and gives a massive (though silent) "whatever". Heh.
Matt Aiello does a happy little jig on the mat as they leave at 2:37 AM. He is so adorable. They read off that they need to go to Chaaaaalston. OK, he's adorable, but those Boston accents are not. Ugh. The Bransens' departure time is 2:38 AM. These times are really close together. I thought that traffic jam last week slowed some teams down. Guess not. Walter is still wearing that "Late Night with David Letterman" shirt. He's been wearing that thing for, like, three days now. Ew. The Gaghans leave at 2:43 AM with a little pep talk from Billy. Tammy interviews that they're trying to raise the children like little adults instead of kids that are going to hold them back. I can certainly get behind that. Kids aren't dumb; I never patronize them. I'll be treating my impending nephew as a social equal when he's about three weeks old. Bill interviews that his kids are great, and he's really proud of them. Aw. Blood Ray makes throaty growls at my side. Down, boy.
The Weavers and Linzes are stuck behind some oversized trucks on the highway. Meanwhile, the Bransens borrow a cell phone from their driver and call ahead to the airport to check on flights. The Gaghans do the same thing. They both find the same US Air flight, which arrives in Charleston at 10:06 AM. The Paolos are now leaving at 3:05 AM. I'm anxious to get away from them, but the next team we see is the Weavers, so my situation hasn't much improved. It hasn't improved for them either, as they realize they have missed their exit. They decide to ask their driver to stop on the highway, and back up so they can get to the exit. Normally, I'd blast them for doing something so stupid (and do they really want to do something so dangerous, given the way the father died?), but it wasn't their fault they missed the exit, there's hardly any traffic around, since it's the middle of the night, and I'd probably break some traffic laws too if I were in a race for a million dollars. That's pretty much the last time you'll hear me defend the Weavers tonight. Hope you enjoyed it, Weaver fans. All zero of you.
The Linzes and Weavers arrive at the Washington-Dulles airport. They find a flight at Independence Air that gets them into Charleston at 10:04 AM, two minutes earlier than the flight the Bransens and Gaghans know about. Eh, I wouldn't really worry about a two minute difference. More teams arrive at the airport. Walter gives the Aiello family the tip that he's found the first flight, which he hasn't, but again: two minutes. To their credit, the Aiellos note the earlier flight at Independence Air, and pass the word along to the Bransens. The Pink Ladies have already arrived and gotten these tickets. As the Aiellos buy tickets from one agent, the Shroeders buy them from another, and that sells out the Independence flight, so the Bransens won't be able to get on. They scuttle off to US Air to get the other flight. The Gaghans arrive and get the same tickets, and now that one is sold out as well.
And now, the comment we had to rewind to watch about three times, because we couldn't believe someone would actually utter it. Linda Weaver: "We've got time just to come and familiarize ourselves with the airport, and find out...anything." You see, the Weavers don't know how air travel works. Seriously, they don't. They're asking airline agents for information. Not specific information; just stuff like how airports work. Can I ask why they applied to be on this show? Did they not think air travel was going to enter into the picture at some point? Stassi watches them suspiciously, sure that they're up to something sneaky. I guess she doesn't know that they're too dumb for mischief. The Aiellos also think they're up to something, and David asks them if they found a better flight. They ignore him, and he's completely pissed off. I mean, the Weavers don't really have an obligation to help their direct competition, but it seems that David's more mad because they wouldn't even acknowledge his presence, not even with a "can't help you, sorry." That, I understand. The only comfort I can give him is that he wouldn't want to associate with the Weavers, anyway. Well, I could offer another kind of comfort, but Blood Ray would kill me. The Paolos finally arrive and get a flight on United that puts them in Charleston at 10:38 AM. It's always nice to see them behind.
As the teams wait for their flights, Rolly and Hunter bond the way pre-teen boys bond: by punching each other in the leg. Char is not thrilled to see this, because she's sure Hunter is passing vital information to the Weavers such as... Such as... Anyway, she pulls Hunter aside and in her own words, tells him to shut his piehole. The minute her back is turned, Hunter tells Rolly she's a bitch. So much for them not sticking you in the "evil stepmother" pigeon-hole, there, Char. The first two flights take off. The Paolos are being typically Paolish. I refuse to pay attention to them. Their flight takes off too, and unfortunately is not diverted to the center of a black hole.
Commercials. I know we're supposed to find that commercial where the guy flies his wife's whole family to Italy and re-proposes to her romantic, but I really want to punch all of them in the mouth.
Charleston, South Carolina. The first flight lands, and everyone picks a car to go to the Battery. The Linzes call the Weavers "team fruit loop", which is an insult to an awesome cereal. Also, show? It's Froot Loop. Get it right. Although it does warm my heart to see team after team express disgust with the Weavers. Flight #2 also lands. The Shroeders are first to the gazebo. The clue is this week's Detour: Forrest Gump or Muddy Waters. Wow, this is some truly stupid Detour-naming. If and when the race gets to St. Louis, do not name one of the choices after an overrated sappy movie, please. In Forrest Gump, teams go seven miles, get onto a boat, and de-head two hundred pounds of shrimp. In Muddy Waters, teams go 37 miles, get into a 4x4, and drive through a mud bog. My initial instinct would be to go for the shrimp, not only because I would hate any and all driving tasks, but because it sounds genuinely faster. Other teams have also reached the clue. The Shroeders and Linzes head for the shrimp, while the Weavers go for the mud bog. Flight #3 lands. The Pink Ladies find the gazebo and choose shrimp, while the Aiellos head for the mud bog. I love typing the phrase "mud bog".
The Shroeders reach the boat and get a quick lesson in de-heading shrimp. Char calls the lady on the boat "ma'am", so it's good to see she's only a bitch to Hunter, and not to strangers. They get started. The Linzes have a little spat, but find the boats as well. The Pink Ladies are right behind, and what the hell? Christine is wearing rubber dish gloves. In their car. Um...why? Whatever. The Gaghans arrive at the gazebo in sixth (mud bog!), and the Bransens are close behind. They choose shrimp. The Weavers and Aiellos arrive at the mud bog. Mud bog! They both get stuck in the mud. Bog. Mud bog! The Bransens are already starting their shrimp. The Paolos are at the gazebo and choose shrimp. More problems for the families at the mud bog. Mud bog! Back at the boats, Stassi is yelling at Hunter for not de-heading the shrimp correctly. "Hunter, let me demonstrate what you are doing!" she bleats. "Let me demonstrate how to shut up," he replies. I kind of love Hunter. Everyone laughs. I go back and forth on the Shroeders. Sometimes, they're genuinely funny. If Mark talked a lot less, I'd probably like them a lot more. Tommy Linz gives one of his unlucky shrimp (in more ways than one) a French kiss. The Pink Ladies snip at each other. The Bransens are tearing through their shrimp. They're glad to have found something they're good at.
The Gaghans have arrived at the mud bog. Mud bog! After their sixth failure, the Weavers give up and head for the shrimp instead. The Shroeders have finished their shrimp. Their clue sends them to the Charleston Visitor Center to sign up for one of two buses that will take them to a "mystery destination"; one that leaves at 3:00 PM, and one that leaves at 5:00 PM. The Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens are done with the shrimp, as the Paolos get started on theirs. Mud bog! The Gaghans make it through the run on their first attempt. Ouch. That's gotta be even more embarrassing for the Aiellos than when they got passed in the Amish buggy. Back at the Visitor Center, the Linzes, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Bransens get on the first bus. Wait, wait, wait. Assuming the two-minute flight difference didn't amount to much, everyone except the Paolos should have been on a fairly equal footing upon arrival in Charleston. The Gaghans got through the Detour on their first attempt, and are still stuck on the later bus. In other words, much like in the first episode, one of the Detour options has zero advantages. Any team that chose Muddy Waters is automatically hosed. This is complete crap.
Now that it doesn't matter in the least, let's check in with the Aiellos! They're still not through the course on their 13th attempt. Why is Kevin still driving? Shouldn't someone else give it a go after you fail five times or so? David bounces around in the passenger seat trying to will the car forward with his body and grunting. He's hot. Blood Ray: "I'd like an audio loop of David's voice during that scene."
Commercials. Once upon a time, my mother pointed out that every single Country Crock ad ends with that simpering woman's asinine giggle. Now I can't hear anything else.
Poor, ineffectual Kevin is finally ejected from the driver's seat, and big, strong David gets them through the course on the 14th attempt. Mud bog! That's nice and all, but we know they're stuck on the loser bus, so boo. The Gaghans are just now getting the bad news that they're on it too. The Paolos still need to shut the fuck up. Even worse, now that the Weavers are in last place, it doesn't make a difference. I hate this episode. The Paolos are at the Visitor Center before the Aiellos (who arrived in Charleston a half an hour earlier), so there's another clue that the shrimp was way too easy. I hate this episode. The Weavers finally catch up. On the loser bus, Bill Gaghan joyfully yells "We're all in last plaaaaace!" and everyone cheers. Heh.
Phil lets us in on the mystery destination: Huntsville, Alabama, which is eight hours away. Once there, the teams will find their next clue. Care to tell us where in Huntsville they're going, Phil? I guess not. Oh, here we go. The clue is at the bus station, and tells them to go to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, five miles away. They have to find a specific hangar once they get there. Hope you like the order that the teams leave the bus station, because there is pretty much no way that anyone can get ahead or behind from here on out. I hate this episode. In the lead, the Bransen girl who's driving asks where she should go, and one of the others helpfully points out that she should probably head for that giant rocket with all the lights on it in the distance. She must be the smart one. They get to the hangar first, and it's the stupidest Roadblock ever. Two team members get into a centrifuge and are spun until the pressure hits 3.2 G. So basically their task is to...sit still. I hate this episode. The only good thing about this segment is that Phil demonstrates the centrifuge, and is typically unflappable. His voice hasn't changed a bit, even though he's being spun and crushed by pressure. You show 'em, Phil. Elizabeth and Lindsay (who I only identified because of the subtitles) take it on.
Blood Ray points out that we haven't yet seen any points where teams are equalized by hours of operation. That's a good point. On a normal season, there'd be no way something like this would be open in what appears to be the middle of the night. Strange. The Linzes arrive, and we get the first, but not the last, shot of Alex staring out the window with psycho bug eyes. Aaaaaaah! The Shroeders arrive third. The Bransens begin to spin as the Linzes wait their turn. Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before one of the Linzes did the stupid sideways visor thing that was cool for twenty seconds in 1998, then thankfully sputtered and died. Might as well get it out of the way now. I hate the sideways visor thing. I also hate this episode. The Pink Ladies get to the hangar. The Bransens get their clue, which tells them to make their way on foot to Rocket Park, find a computer within the museum, log onto a web service that I am not mentioning, and get their next clue from Phil. So, since the centrifuge takes X amount of minutes, it spaces the teams out to regular intervals, so it's worth another mention that barring someone being struck by lightning or something, nothing can be done to change the order of teams. So stupid. I hate this episode.
The Linzes (Alex and Tommy) spin. Zzzzzz. The Shroeders (Mark and Stassi) spin. Zzzzzz. The Bransens find their computer. Phil tells them to go to the space shuttle Pathfinder, this week's pit stop. They're off. The Linzes do the same. Stop showing us Alex's psycho eyes! It's edited to look close, but it's so not. The Bransens hit the mat in first. The greeter is an old astronaut-looking dude. They win free gasoline for life. OK, now that is an awesome prize. I think I'd rather have that than the $5000 each of the individual Pink Ladies won in the first leg. The Bransens are thrilled. The Linzes are nowhere to be seen during this, but soon check in as team #2.
Back on the loser bus (remember them?), the Weaver girls are...crying? The hell? Why? Because they're so stressed to be on a bus and not to have gotten any sleep or whatever. Well, I'd suggest that instead of whining and crying they, you know, GO TO SLEEP. Linda says that she feels like she's a prisoner on the bus. So they're being chauffeured to their next destination instead of having to navigate for themselves, and Linda's upset by this? I hate the Weavers so much. I hate this episode. They begin to freak out on the bus, and the other teams are like "Great. Not only are we behind, but we're stuck with these fucking twits." The teams stop off at Waffle House, and the Weavers decide to trick the other teams into thinking that they're not stressed at all, really they're very happy! They proceed to do the worst acting job since Claire Danes in...anything, dancing around the parking lot with huge grins. One of the Paolo sons interviews that the Weavers have snapped, and I'd agree, except that I think the Weavers snapped a long time ago.
Commercials. Eat at Jack in the Box. Because stalking someone is funny.
Bus of Crazy. The Weavers are singing loudly, while the other teams are trying to sleep. Everyone completely hates them. I never thought I'd feel sorry for the Paolos, but there it is. The Shroeders are on their way to Rocket Park, while the Pink Ladies (Michelle and Christine) spin. The loser bus arrives and everyone heads to the hangar. The Shroeders check in as team #3. The Pink Ladies are team #4. The Weavers are first of the loser bus teams to pull the clue. In the car, Bill tells Billy that at space camp, they simulate weightlessness. Billy gets a face like "that is the coolest thing I have ever heard," then declares that he wants to do whatever task it is. I've really warmed up to Billy. When the teams get there, everyone realizes that it's first come, first serve. The Paolos pull number 6, the Gaghans 7, and the Aiellos 8. I am in so much suspense as to who's going to lose this week, aren't you? The Weavers check in as team #5. Phil clearly hates their guts. Linda gives an interview that "this is us. If you like us, great. If you don't, well, we're not going to change for you." First of all, 99% of people who have to give the "I don't care if you don't like me" speech are assholes, and know they're assholes. Secondly, there's a difference between "I'm not going to change my overall personality to please you," and "I'm going to sing loudly while you're trying to sleep because that's just who I am! I gotta be me!" It's not that people don't like you just because you're you, Linda. They don't like you because you're rude, stupid, and kind of crazy.
I hate this episode. This is bullshit. Why even go over it to any amount of detail (except that Bill Gaghan looks especially good while they're waiting their turn at the centrifuge)? The teams spin in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams get to the computers in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams check in at the mat in the order they pulled the ticket. That means the Aiellos are last, and they're eliminated. Fuck. Tony is proud of his guys. David and Matt are still hot. I can't even watch this another time.
Next week on The Amazing Race: A task takes the teams to a racetrack, which causes the Weavers to freak out even more than usual. The Pink Ladies have a fight.
So let's see. We got a stupidly named, extremely poorly designed Detour. We got a boring Roadblock that spaced the teams out to the degree that all of their actions were meaningless, and we lost a loving, functional, good-looking family so that we can spend more time with the loud-ass Paolos and crazy-ass Weavers. Gotcha. And no, I didn't hear the phrase "I don't kiss, I make out!" during any of the multiple times I viewed several scenes, and I'm not going back in to find it.
I hate this episode.
Overall Grade: F
Saturday, October 08, 2005
How Do We Know We're Not Going To Get Shot?
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 2
Previously on The Amazing Race: 40 freaking people took off from the starting line in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty in a race for a million dollars. The Gaghan family surged ahead. Blood Ray: "Ooh, I'd like to be gaggin' on Daddy" (i.e.: Bill Gaghan). Someone's feeling frisky tonight! Meanwhile, back in the previously - the Paolo family sucked so hard they turned themselves inside out. Teams crossed the Delaware River with a George Washington imposter and bickered so much that the real George Washington looked down from heaven and was all like "This is the country I fought so hard to create? Fuck that noise. I'm going back to England." At the Detour, Linda Weaver was run over by an Amish buggy, because God has a messed up sense of humor. The Godlewski sisters chittered their way into first place, and the adorable Black family (hee) was unfortunately cut loose. 9 teams remain. Who will eliminated tonight?
Credits. There's something very poetic about the Paolo family posing in front of a garbage truck. Commercials. The ad with the two women rhapsodizing over their chocolate yogurt is so bad, that it kind of goes through good, and back to bad again.
Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The Pink Ladies take off first at 7:57 AM. Phil doesn't mention anything about 12 hour pit stops, so I wonder how they're working that this season. The clue tells them to get to York, Pennsylvania to seek out the giant shoe. No word on whether there will be so many children that we won't know what to do. They're happy about being first. The Gaghans leave at 8:07 AM. Tammy says that the other teams probably thought they were just that team dragging along their kids, but now they'll be viewed as a threat. I think "threat" is a little strong, but they do seem to function well as a team. The Weavers leave at 8:08 AM. They actually fail to piss me off in the first twenty seconds, so maybe there's hope for them yet. Linda talks about how she needs to be the family leader now that her husband has passed away, and she thinks the race might help her take on that role. Not a bad idea. The Rogers leave at 8:09 AM. Hot Brock interviews that his Dad is in charge and they have to do what he says, but he thinks that all members of the family should have a say. This is all supposed to be very portentous, but I can't really concentrate on foreshadowing when Hot Brock is talking about "taking charge". Here go the Shroeders at 8:18 AM. Stassi interviews that coming in fifth place knocked some of the arrogance out of their family. Let's hope so. Hunter says "Dad, come on," and that may be the most we've heard out of him yet.
The Pink Ladies stop to gas up their car. In the Gaghan car, Tammy talks about being in "race mode" and having to focus, as Billy makes silly faces at the camera. It's pretty funny, actually. Maybe all my annoyance at Billy last week was just over-excitement on his part and over-suspicion on mine. The Pink Ladies yell at Sharon for going too slow. Because she's going to speed up how fast the gas pumps? Shut up, other Pink Ladies. Ah, here's the Weavers we all know and hate, begging Jesus to help them find the shoe (which is less than 20 miles away from their starting point). I don't want to come back to this again and again, so we'll just say it here and be done with it: God doesn't care how you do on a reality TV show. He/She/It has nothing to do with your placement in the race, your navigation abilities, or winning a bunch of money, and to think he does is pretty much the height of arrogance. Thank you. Weavers suck. Moving on. The Rogers are hunting for the shoe, and the Shroeders decide to try a shortcut.
The Paolos are leaving the mat at 8:21 AM (so really, just behind the Shroeders). One annoying son says that they have to look for Shorehouse Road. BZZZT!!! I can understand how the words shoe and house could trip you up when put together, though. They're so complicated. They begin to fight literally two steps off the mat. I fucking hate them. I'm ignoring them again. The Bransens are off at 8:24 AM and one of the girls says "Giddyap!". Ugh. The Aiellos choose "Fire it up!" which isn't much better. They're leaving at 8:37 AM. All the boys want to make Tony proud. Aw. The Linzes leave last at 8:45 AM. Megan is proud of her brothers and says they're not going to beat themselves up. Sure, coming in second-to-last is a total triumph. Yay, second-to-last! They need to wear less orange.
The Gaghans are first to the giant shoe. I am shocked that nobody brings up the old woman who lives there. That is such a wasted opportunity. Tammy sends Bill to get the clue. Carissa says she'd like to go get it, and Tammy responds with a surprisingly nasty "NO." I'm sure Bill would be faster, but was that really necessary? Tammy also calls Bill "Daddy", which is a little disturbing. She should only do that when saying things like "Daddy and I discussed it, and we're not getting you a pony." Or when they're doing it. Bill gets the clue, which tells them to drive to Washington, D.C. and find the clue box, which is around the reflecting pool at the Capitol building. The Gaghans consult their map and say that they need to take highway 30 West to 83 South. Hooray for subtle foreshadowing! The Shroeders are next to the shoe, thanks to their shortcut, and they send Stassi up to get the clue. I was thinking Stassi was pronounced Stacey, but apparently not. That makes her name even worse. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. STILL nobody mentions the old woman. I don't know why that is bugging me so much. Somebody say it! These two teams also mention 30 West. The Weavers find the clue, and finally someone says "it's just like in the book!" which is hilarious. That probably was the last book they read. Rolly goes up for the clue. Shades of last week return as one of the girls says "What state is Washington, D.C. in? Washington?". Yeah. I'm thinking the answer to this family is less Bible study, more Carmen Sandiego.
Hot Brock runs up for the Rogers family. He's wearing a shirt that reads "I [heart] [heart] Twins." Bleh. I mean, I heart twins too, but I wouldn't wear my "Ask Me About My Penis" or my "Catcher" or my "I [heart] Cock" or my "Sleeps Well With Others" shirt on TV. I swear to God all those shirts were gifts. I didn't buy them for myself. OK, I bought one of them for myself, but I'm not saying which. And now, a bunch of things happen in a row. 1) The Rogers decide that since this is a long trip, they need to switch drivers, so Hot Brock jumps in the driver's seat. 2) Denny says "I'm the navigator." 3) Not one second after he says that, he says "Now, have you been paying attention as to how we got here?". You just said you were the navigator! 4) Denny then gets all snitty because nobody is sure where they are, despite the fact that he's holding the map. 5) Denny: "30 East." Oh, dear. This is going to go down hard. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos all find the shoe. David is excited because he's lived outside D.C. for three years. Oh, well I'm sure they'll have no problems then.
The Gaghans, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Weavers have found 83 South. To Baltimore! Yay! I was born there, so I'm excited about anything Maryland-related. The Rogers? Still tooling down 30 East. Denny tells Hot Brock that he's responsible for finding 83 South, which is bullshit not only because they'll never see it on the road they've chosen, but because there are three people sitting in the backseat doing nothing. Maybe Hot Brock the driver has to concentrate on, you know, DRIVING. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos have found 83 South. David is still excited that they're going to a place he knows so well. He describes the location of the reflecting pool as between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument. Yes, there sure is a reflecting pool there. There's also one at the Capitol building, which you'll remember is the one the clue directed them to. Well, I'm sure the Aiellos will think to consult their clue at least once more during their 100-plus mile trip, and will catch their mistake. The Linzes find the reflecting pool they need on the map, and double-check their clue to make sure it's the right one. Imagine that. The Rogers finally figure out that something's wrong. Everyone in the backseat insists that Hot Brock has missed seeing 83 South. That's right, they have passed up their exit, and it's All! Brock's! Fault! They pull off and switch drivers again.
Commercials. I don't care if it is a commercial. No kitchen is that clean.
We're back with the Rogers family all angry at Hot Brock for missing the exit. Denny tells Brittany to consult the map (What? How would consulting a map help them figure out where they are? That makes no sense!), and she finds that they went the completely wrong way on highway 30. She says they should have listened to Hot Brock. He smiles the Smile Of I Told You So. Denny sinks to a new low: "I said go east on 30, and apparently I was wrong. One person can only do so much." Aw, poor Denny, with the weight of the world on his shoulders! Yeah, it must be tough to look at a map, choose the wrong direction, tell everyone else to figure out where they're going when you're the navigator, yell at someone for missing an exit that wasn't there, then disavow responsibility because you're just so darn busy doing absolutely nothing. Fucking asshole.
The Gaghans arrive in Washington and head straight for the incorrect reflecting pool. So much for "focus", huh Tammy? The Shroeders go to the wrong one too. The two families meet up and confidently say that clue must be around, since there are clearly no other reflecting pools in D.C. The Pink Ladies, on the other hand, took the bother to actually read their freaking clue, so they go to the Capitol building. The Weavers are on the right track too, and are first to the clue box. Boo! It tells them to search the nearby streets for a limousine. Someone in the backseat will hand them a briefcase that they have to take to the next clue box at the nearby Tidal Basin (the Jefferson Memorial). The limousine looks to be about twenty feet from the clue box, so perhaps "search the nearby streets" was a bit overdramatic, Phil. The Weavers get the case and take off. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. The Gaghans and Shroeders are still wandering around. The Shroeders ask a passerby about the reflecting pool, and he tells them about the one at the Capitol building. "We're morons!" yells Stassi. You said it, not me. They leave, but not before passing the Gaghans and miming that they have no idea where the clue box is. They're not my favorite family, but yeah. They have no obligation to help the Gaghans out.
The Paolos are running low on gas, and Marion suggests they stop and get some. She is overruled, as always. They hit the clue box in third place. At first I was wondering how on Earth they've gone from sixth to third, but then I remembered that that Gaghans, Shroeders, and Rogers have all gotten or are currently lost, so it makes sense. The Bransens are also at the wrong reflecting pool. If the Weavers need Carmen Sandiego, half these other families need Hooked On Phonics. I know that racing and navigation can be incredibly stressful things, and you might tend to get overzealous, but if I went on this show, the one thing I would make absolutely sure to do would be to read and understand the clue. Without the clue, you're...well...clueless. It amazes me how season after season people will be like "Go. Pool. D.C." and just completely ignore the clue from then on. They had a hundred miles to read it! There's just no excuse. The Aiellos (who have a member that knows D.C. like the back of his hand) also go to the wrong pool, though they manage to correct themselves pretty quickly. Still. Read! The! Fucking! Clue! The Gaghans are still lost and the Linzes go to the right pool, but one of them says "We're money!" so he's dead to me. They spot the clue box in the distance. While they're on their way there, the Shroeders find it (in fourth), so the Linzes are in fifth. The Aiellos show up in sixth, and we get another "we're morons" and another non-argument from me.
The Pink Ladies have arrived at the Tidal Basin clue box. Say what you will about them, but they're a smart bunch. The clue is the first Roadblock of the season. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to search around for someone (that Phil refers to as a "spy") carrying a briefcase identical to their own. Then they give the password, "The sky is blue." If the person they approach is a spy, they respond with "The sea is green," and briefcases are exchanged. The spy's briefcase has the next clue. There are fifty people with briefcases, and only ten spies. Also, I assume that with every team that finds a clue, there are fewer for the teams behind them to find, so that's kind of an added incentive to get there first. This is the smurfiest task this show has ever done, but it's kinda funny at the same time. Sharon takes on the task for the Pink Ladies, because the other three are so tired from...not driving. Jeez, Sharon does everything for that team. A couple of non-spies blow her off. Hee. The Weavers tell Rebecca (I think I can tell everyone apart except for two of the Bransen girls now) to turn right, but she misses the turn. They all scream at her, including Linda. I'm sure Jesus would be thrilled with the way she's screeching at her daughter. Since they're off on the wrong road, the Paolos find the Roadblock in second place. Ugh. They are really benefiting from other people's mistakes. Annoying Paolo Son (APS) takes it on. The first person he approaches doesn't respond to his password, so he concludes that the task sucks. Yeah, you failed to solve it in fifteen seconds. What a trial.
Sharon finds herself a spy. The clue says to get to Middleburg, Virginia and find Welbourne Manor (about 50 miles away). As Sharon returns, APS approaches someone and gets a "I don't know what you're talking about" in return. Hah! The Weavers find the clue, so Linda says "good job, sweetheart," because now everything is OK! Peace and love, y'all! Rebecca takes the Roadblock, probably to get away from the rest of her family. The Pink Ladies assure themselves that they're kicking ass, which is a bad way to tempt fate on this show. The guy I'm pretty sure told APS that he didn't know what he was talking about offers Rebecca a "Sorry." APS is still flailing (who would have thought he wouldn't excel at a task that involves talking to others?) when Rebecca finds her spy, but finds one of his own soon after. After the exchange, he says to the guy (who is black), "I love you, my brother." I honestly don't know if I hate him or Denny Rogers more. The Shroeders arrive, and Tony Paolo says that they shouldn't tell them anything. Like what? What information could you impart that they're not going to have in four seconds? Fucking Paolos! I'm forgetting my vow to ignore them. Let's get back on that. Mark takes the Roadblock. A non-spy blows him off, and he makes a remark about her panties being too tight. Yes, my sympathy of their Katrina losses is pretty much used up now. Hope they enjoyed it.
The Gaghans and Bransens are still wandering around at the wrong pool. You'll remember that the Gaghans were first to the shoe, and are now tied for eighth because they refuse to read the clue. Walter can't quite keep up with his girls. The Aiellos hit the Roadblock. David will take it on. The Linzes are right behind them. Nick will take it. Mark finds a spy and calls him "Pops". I'll touch back on the Paolos only because they are now out of gas and can't find a station. David and Nick are doing the stupidest thing ever, which is to ask the same person if they're a spy. What do they hope to achieve if they do find a spy? Someone carrying two briefcases? David does manage to find a spy, and Nick picks now to realize that he needs to find someone else. He runs up to a woman and says "The sky is blue." "Yes it is," she replies. Awesome.
Blood Ray: "If I were a non-spy, I'd be like 'The sea is gr.....eat this time of year.'"
The Rogers are finally in Washington, and try to get directions. The person they ask sends them to the wrong reflecting pool. Oh, dear. Denny takes this opportunity to make another crack about Hot Brock's driving, even though it's fairly clear at this point that it's all Denny's fault that they're in last. The Gaghans are still at the wrong pool, and Tammy and Bill refuse to ask anyone for help after Billy suggests they do. Oh, Bill. Good thing you're so pretty. Cause you're kind of dumb.
Commercials. If I were having lunch with Joan Cusack, I wouldn't answer my phone anyway; regardless of how many minutes I had left.
The Gaghans have been at the wrong pool for two hours. TWO! They've been there so long that the Rogers catch up with them there. The Bransens figure out they're at the wrong pool, and take off. Soon after that, the Rogers and Gaghans actually stop and read their clue. Whoopsie! They take off too. Everyone gets their briefcases. The Paolos are still looking for a gas station. The Gaghans arrive at the Roadblock and find the Linzes. Tammy takes on the Roadblock. "The sky is blue." "Beautiful, isn't it?" the non-spy cheerfully answers. Hehehe. Nick finally finds a spy. Tammy, perhaps taking the "spy" thing a little too seriously, is whispering the code phrase to people. Hehehe again. She finds her spy, and makes it back to the family before Nick does. They run for their car. Blood Ray makes a comment about "Daddy's" sweaty underpants. Hehehe yet again. After they leave, the Bransens get there (the Gaghans must have found their clue at lightning speed), and Walter takes the Roadblock. The Rogers are lost again. I believe this is the third time, so props to Uber Navigator Denny. Brittney leans out the window and asks someone for directions. The unseen person helps them, but the Rogers car never seems to go under ten miles per hour or so, so I have a hilarious vision of some poor guy running along the side of their car yelling directions into the open window.
The Paolos are lost. The other folks on the way to Middleburg hit a bad traffic jam. The Linzes consult their map and find a way around the crowded highway. I don't get them. They seem to be idiots most of the time, but manage to navigate unfamiliar highways with no trouble. Back at the Roadblock, Walter finds a spy. The Paolos and Bransens then hit the jam, and the Bransens also exit to try and find another route. The Rogers are just now getting to the Roadblock. Brittney seems to find a spy fairly quickly. The Weavers are first to Welbourne Manor. Linda manages to almost snap Rolly's fingers in the clue box. Detour! Heat of the Battle or Heat of the Night. Great, now that damn song's in my head. In Heat of the Battle, teams have to go onto a field on which a Civil War battle re-enactment is taking place, and transport five wounded soldiers on a stretcher to a medical tent. In Heat of the Night, teams have to roll an oil barrel to a work station, fill twenty lamps with the oil, then light them. When either of the tasks are done, they get a flag that they have to run down to Phil at the pit stop.
The Weavers somehow manage to walk right past the battlefield. How you miss a field with a hundred people shooting muskets at each other is beyond me. The Pink Ladies get there as well, and choose Heat of the Battle. The Weavers figure out where they need to go. The Pink Ladies grab their first soldier. Heh, I like how it totally doesn't matter which side's soldiers they rescue. They get a Confederate. The Weavers see them, and decide they'd be better at the lamps. Probably a wise choice on their part. They begin. Thanks to their master map, the Linzes get to the Detour third. They're going for the soldiers. They rescue a Union one. The Weavers are done filling lamps and take them to a bench to begin lighting them. The Shroeders, Aiellos, and Bransens (also thanks to going around the jam) all arrive at the same time. Shroeders - oil. Bransens - soldiers. Aiellos - soldiers. The Pink Ladies and Linzes are almost literally neck and neck as they cart their soldiers off. David talks about being a Marine and how close to home this battle hits. Understandable.
The Linzes are completely winded. In fact, a lot of the people who chose Heat of the Battle look wiped out. Why? If four people are carrying one person, shouldn't that be fairly easy? They finish up just after the Weavers finish their lamps. The fact that the Linzes are a little behind and completely exhausted gives the Weavers the edge they need to hit the mat first. Boo! The greeters are a Confederate and a Union soldier. Heh. Shouldn't they be shooting each other? The Weavers win a trip to Bermuda. They probably think that's in the middle of Canada. The Linz family is team number two. Jeepers. They did some good work with the map, but I have to say that they probably owe this one to a bunch of other teams making some horrible mistakes. The Pink Ladies are team three. Walter's having a lot of trouble with the soldiers. Again, what's so strenuous about this task? I must be missing something.
Commercials. To blatantly steal a joke from Friends, if I were going to see Elizabethtown, I'd need two tickets. One for me, and one for the guy holding a gun to my head.
The Bransens are still struggling. The Gaghans arrive and choose Heat of the Battle, which causes Carissa some worry. Tammy blows her off, much as she did at the beginning of the episode. Tammy needs to think less about the race and more about not being a bitch to her daughter on national television. Although, if I had a shot at a million dollars, I'd probably be a bitch too, so nevermind. As they carry soldiers, Blood Ray says something about getting fisted by Daddy. I'll never think of the Civil War the same way again. The Shroeders finish their lamps and check in as team number four. Tony is "wicked tired", but the Aiellos manage to finish carting the bodies of the people that symbolize a time when we all shot each other because some wanted to own black people. America! They're team number five, and the Bransens finish up as team number six. The Gaghans are team number seven.
The Paolos arrive and choose Heat of the Battle. The Rogers also arrive and choose the same thing. It's edited to look close, but I'd point out that we never see the Paolos and the Rogers in the same shot, so I'm betting it's not. Both teams carry. After finishing with one soldier, Denny decides that Renee (who's spoken maybe four words since the show began) can't do four more soldiers, so they're switching to the lamps. Hot Brock rips the bandana off his head in frustration. Yeah, no kidding. That is just game suicide at this point. The music tries to be all suspenseful, but come on. We know where this is going. The Paolos are, indeed, team number eight. I refuse to watch their little speech again. The Rogers arrive in last place and are eliminated. Let's get all of Denny's comments verbatim. This, in front of the family: "I made a mistake, and I led my guys in the wrong direction." Then, in an interview: "It's my responsibility to take the blame, if there's blame to be cast. The one thing that I always tried to show Brock, is you can't get to where you need to go in this life...casting stones and blaming other people for their misfortunes."
Yeah. IF there's blame to cast. You like that? That whole "Well, I don't know if it's when I told you the wrong highway, or when I told you that we passed an exit that we didn't, or when we went to the wrong reflecting pool, or when we clued in another team to the fact that they were in the wrong place, or when we got lost on the way to the Tidal Basin, or when I decided we had to switch Detours, but IF it's one of those things that caused us to be last, I guess I HAVE to shoulder some responsibility." What a fucking cockbite. And not only that, but actually chiding his son for being upset with him, when he spent the entire episode casting blame at Brock. You know, at first I gaped at Blood Ray when he said he's happy that the Rogers went home instead of the Paolos. But now I agree with him. Fuck off, Denny.
Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams get spun in a giant centrifuge at NASA. Maybe we can separate the Paolos into their separate components of asshole and moron. The Aiellos get their car stuck in the mud. Crap. Although I wouldn't object to seeing Matt lookin' all dirty.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on The Amazing Race: 40 freaking people took off from the starting line in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty in a race for a million dollars. The Gaghan family surged ahead. Blood Ray: "Ooh, I'd like to be gaggin' on Daddy" (i.e.: Bill Gaghan). Someone's feeling frisky tonight! Meanwhile, back in the previously - the Paolo family sucked so hard they turned themselves inside out. Teams crossed the Delaware River with a George Washington imposter and bickered so much that the real George Washington looked down from heaven and was all like "This is the country I fought so hard to create? Fuck that noise. I'm going back to England." At the Detour, Linda Weaver was run over by an Amish buggy, because God has a messed up sense of humor. The Godlewski sisters chittered their way into first place, and the adorable Black family (hee) was unfortunately cut loose. 9 teams remain. Who will eliminated tonight?
Credits. There's something very poetic about the Paolo family posing in front of a garbage truck. Commercials. The ad with the two women rhapsodizing over their chocolate yogurt is so bad, that it kind of goes through good, and back to bad again.
Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The Pink Ladies take off first at 7:57 AM. Phil doesn't mention anything about 12 hour pit stops, so I wonder how they're working that this season. The clue tells them to get to York, Pennsylvania to seek out the giant shoe. No word on whether there will be so many children that we won't know what to do. They're happy about being first. The Gaghans leave at 8:07 AM. Tammy says that the other teams probably thought they were just that team dragging along their kids, but now they'll be viewed as a threat. I think "threat" is a little strong, but they do seem to function well as a team. The Weavers leave at 8:08 AM. They actually fail to piss me off in the first twenty seconds, so maybe there's hope for them yet. Linda talks about how she needs to be the family leader now that her husband has passed away, and she thinks the race might help her take on that role. Not a bad idea. The Rogers leave at 8:09 AM. Hot Brock interviews that his Dad is in charge and they have to do what he says, but he thinks that all members of the family should have a say. This is all supposed to be very portentous, but I can't really concentrate on foreshadowing when Hot Brock is talking about "taking charge". Here go the Shroeders at 8:18 AM. Stassi interviews that coming in fifth place knocked some of the arrogance out of their family. Let's hope so. Hunter says "Dad, come on," and that may be the most we've heard out of him yet.
The Pink Ladies stop to gas up their car. In the Gaghan car, Tammy talks about being in "race mode" and having to focus, as Billy makes silly faces at the camera. It's pretty funny, actually. Maybe all my annoyance at Billy last week was just over-excitement on his part and over-suspicion on mine. The Pink Ladies yell at Sharon for going too slow. Because she's going to speed up how fast the gas pumps? Shut up, other Pink Ladies. Ah, here's the Weavers we all know and hate, begging Jesus to help them find the shoe (which is less than 20 miles away from their starting point). I don't want to come back to this again and again, so we'll just say it here and be done with it: God doesn't care how you do on a reality TV show. He/She/It has nothing to do with your placement in the race, your navigation abilities, or winning a bunch of money, and to think he does is pretty much the height of arrogance. Thank you. Weavers suck. Moving on. The Rogers are hunting for the shoe, and the Shroeders decide to try a shortcut.
The Paolos are leaving the mat at 8:21 AM (so really, just behind the Shroeders). One annoying son says that they have to look for Shorehouse Road. BZZZT!!! I can understand how the words shoe and house could trip you up when put together, though. They're so complicated. They begin to fight literally two steps off the mat. I fucking hate them. I'm ignoring them again. The Bransens are off at 8:24 AM and one of the girls says "Giddyap!". Ugh. The Aiellos choose "Fire it up!" which isn't much better. They're leaving at 8:37 AM. All the boys want to make Tony proud. Aw. The Linzes leave last at 8:45 AM. Megan is proud of her brothers and says they're not going to beat themselves up. Sure, coming in second-to-last is a total triumph. Yay, second-to-last! They need to wear less orange.
The Gaghans are first to the giant shoe. I am shocked that nobody brings up the old woman who lives there. That is such a wasted opportunity. Tammy sends Bill to get the clue. Carissa says she'd like to go get it, and Tammy responds with a surprisingly nasty "NO." I'm sure Bill would be faster, but was that really necessary? Tammy also calls Bill "Daddy", which is a little disturbing. She should only do that when saying things like "Daddy and I discussed it, and we're not getting you a pony." Or when they're doing it. Bill gets the clue, which tells them to drive to Washington, D.C. and find the clue box, which is around the reflecting pool at the Capitol building. The Gaghans consult their map and say that they need to take highway 30 West to 83 South. Hooray for subtle foreshadowing! The Shroeders are next to the shoe, thanks to their shortcut, and they send Stassi up to get the clue. I was thinking Stassi was pronounced Stacey, but apparently not. That makes her name even worse. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. STILL nobody mentions the old woman. I don't know why that is bugging me so much. Somebody say it! These two teams also mention 30 West. The Weavers find the clue, and finally someone says "it's just like in the book!" which is hilarious. That probably was the last book they read. Rolly goes up for the clue. Shades of last week return as one of the girls says "What state is Washington, D.C. in? Washington?". Yeah. I'm thinking the answer to this family is less Bible study, more Carmen Sandiego.
Hot Brock runs up for the Rogers family. He's wearing a shirt that reads "I [heart] [heart] Twins." Bleh. I mean, I heart twins too, but I wouldn't wear my "Ask Me About My Penis" or my "Catcher" or my "I [heart] Cock" or my "Sleeps Well With Others" shirt on TV. I swear to God all those shirts were gifts. I didn't buy them for myself. OK, I bought one of them for myself, but I'm not saying which. And now, a bunch of things happen in a row. 1) The Rogers decide that since this is a long trip, they need to switch drivers, so Hot Brock jumps in the driver's seat. 2) Denny says "I'm the navigator." 3) Not one second after he says that, he says "Now, have you been paying attention as to how we got here?". You just said you were the navigator! 4) Denny then gets all snitty because nobody is sure where they are, despite the fact that he's holding the map. 5) Denny: "30 East." Oh, dear. This is going to go down hard. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos all find the shoe. David is excited because he's lived outside D.C. for three years. Oh, well I'm sure they'll have no problems then.
The Gaghans, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Weavers have found 83 South. To Baltimore! Yay! I was born there, so I'm excited about anything Maryland-related. The Rogers? Still tooling down 30 East. Denny tells Hot Brock that he's responsible for finding 83 South, which is bullshit not only because they'll never see it on the road they've chosen, but because there are three people sitting in the backseat doing nothing. Maybe Hot Brock the driver has to concentrate on, you know, DRIVING. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos have found 83 South. David is still excited that they're going to a place he knows so well. He describes the location of the reflecting pool as between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument. Yes, there sure is a reflecting pool there. There's also one at the Capitol building, which you'll remember is the one the clue directed them to. Well, I'm sure the Aiellos will think to consult their clue at least once more during their 100-plus mile trip, and will catch their mistake. The Linzes find the reflecting pool they need on the map, and double-check their clue to make sure it's the right one. Imagine that. The Rogers finally figure out that something's wrong. Everyone in the backseat insists that Hot Brock has missed seeing 83 South. That's right, they have passed up their exit, and it's All! Brock's! Fault! They pull off and switch drivers again.
Commercials. I don't care if it is a commercial. No kitchen is that clean.
We're back with the Rogers family all angry at Hot Brock for missing the exit. Denny tells Brittany to consult the map (What? How would consulting a map help them figure out where they are? That makes no sense!), and she finds that they went the completely wrong way on highway 30. She says they should have listened to Hot Brock. He smiles the Smile Of I Told You So. Denny sinks to a new low: "I said go east on 30, and apparently I was wrong. One person can only do so much." Aw, poor Denny, with the weight of the world on his shoulders! Yeah, it must be tough to look at a map, choose the wrong direction, tell everyone else to figure out where they're going when you're the navigator, yell at someone for missing an exit that wasn't there, then disavow responsibility because you're just so darn busy doing absolutely nothing. Fucking asshole.
The Gaghans arrive in Washington and head straight for the incorrect reflecting pool. So much for "focus", huh Tammy? The Shroeders go to the wrong one too. The two families meet up and confidently say that clue must be around, since there are clearly no other reflecting pools in D.C. The Pink Ladies, on the other hand, took the bother to actually read their freaking clue, so they go to the Capitol building. The Weavers are on the right track too, and are first to the clue box. Boo! It tells them to search the nearby streets for a limousine. Someone in the backseat will hand them a briefcase that they have to take to the next clue box at the nearby Tidal Basin (the Jefferson Memorial). The limousine looks to be about twenty feet from the clue box, so perhaps "search the nearby streets" was a bit overdramatic, Phil. The Weavers get the case and take off. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. The Gaghans and Shroeders are still wandering around. The Shroeders ask a passerby about the reflecting pool, and he tells them about the one at the Capitol building. "We're morons!" yells Stassi. You said it, not me. They leave, but not before passing the Gaghans and miming that they have no idea where the clue box is. They're not my favorite family, but yeah. They have no obligation to help the Gaghans out.
The Paolos are running low on gas, and Marion suggests they stop and get some. She is overruled, as always. They hit the clue box in third place. At first I was wondering how on Earth they've gone from sixth to third, but then I remembered that that Gaghans, Shroeders, and Rogers have all gotten or are currently lost, so it makes sense. The Bransens are also at the wrong reflecting pool. If the Weavers need Carmen Sandiego, half these other families need Hooked On Phonics. I know that racing and navigation can be incredibly stressful things, and you might tend to get overzealous, but if I went on this show, the one thing I would make absolutely sure to do would be to read and understand the clue. Without the clue, you're...well...clueless. It amazes me how season after season people will be like "Go. Pool. D.C." and just completely ignore the clue from then on. They had a hundred miles to read it! There's just no excuse. The Aiellos (who have a member that knows D.C. like the back of his hand) also go to the wrong pool, though they manage to correct themselves pretty quickly. Still. Read! The! Fucking! Clue! The Gaghans are still lost and the Linzes go to the right pool, but one of them says "We're money!" so he's dead to me. They spot the clue box in the distance. While they're on their way there, the Shroeders find it (in fourth), so the Linzes are in fifth. The Aiellos show up in sixth, and we get another "we're morons" and another non-argument from me.
The Pink Ladies have arrived at the Tidal Basin clue box. Say what you will about them, but they're a smart bunch. The clue is the first Roadblock of the season. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to search around for someone (that Phil refers to as a "spy") carrying a briefcase identical to their own. Then they give the password, "The sky is blue." If the person they approach is a spy, they respond with "The sea is green," and briefcases are exchanged. The spy's briefcase has the next clue. There are fifty people with briefcases, and only ten spies. Also, I assume that with every team that finds a clue, there are fewer for the teams behind them to find, so that's kind of an added incentive to get there first. This is the smurfiest task this show has ever done, but it's kinda funny at the same time. Sharon takes on the task for the Pink Ladies, because the other three are so tired from...not driving. Jeez, Sharon does everything for that team. A couple of non-spies blow her off. Hee. The Weavers tell Rebecca (I think I can tell everyone apart except for two of the Bransen girls now) to turn right, but she misses the turn. They all scream at her, including Linda. I'm sure Jesus would be thrilled with the way she's screeching at her daughter. Since they're off on the wrong road, the Paolos find the Roadblock in second place. Ugh. They are really benefiting from other people's mistakes. Annoying Paolo Son (APS) takes it on. The first person he approaches doesn't respond to his password, so he concludes that the task sucks. Yeah, you failed to solve it in fifteen seconds. What a trial.
Sharon finds herself a spy. The clue says to get to Middleburg, Virginia and find Welbourne Manor (about 50 miles away). As Sharon returns, APS approaches someone and gets a "I don't know what you're talking about" in return. Hah! The Weavers find the clue, so Linda says "good job, sweetheart," because now everything is OK! Peace and love, y'all! Rebecca takes the Roadblock, probably to get away from the rest of her family. The Pink Ladies assure themselves that they're kicking ass, which is a bad way to tempt fate on this show. The guy I'm pretty sure told APS that he didn't know what he was talking about offers Rebecca a "Sorry." APS is still flailing (who would have thought he wouldn't excel at a task that involves talking to others?) when Rebecca finds her spy, but finds one of his own soon after. After the exchange, he says to the guy (who is black), "I love you, my brother." I honestly don't know if I hate him or Denny Rogers more. The Shroeders arrive, and Tony Paolo says that they shouldn't tell them anything. Like what? What information could you impart that they're not going to have in four seconds? Fucking Paolos! I'm forgetting my vow to ignore them. Let's get back on that. Mark takes the Roadblock. A non-spy blows him off, and he makes a remark about her panties being too tight. Yes, my sympathy of their Katrina losses is pretty much used up now. Hope they enjoyed it.
The Gaghans and Bransens are still wandering around at the wrong pool. You'll remember that the Gaghans were first to the shoe, and are now tied for eighth because they refuse to read the clue. Walter can't quite keep up with his girls. The Aiellos hit the Roadblock. David will take it on. The Linzes are right behind them. Nick will take it. Mark finds a spy and calls him "Pops". I'll touch back on the Paolos only because they are now out of gas and can't find a station. David and Nick are doing the stupidest thing ever, which is to ask the same person if they're a spy. What do they hope to achieve if they do find a spy? Someone carrying two briefcases? David does manage to find a spy, and Nick picks now to realize that he needs to find someone else. He runs up to a woman and says "The sky is blue." "Yes it is," she replies. Awesome.
Blood Ray: "If I were a non-spy, I'd be like 'The sea is gr.....eat this time of year.'"
The Rogers are finally in Washington, and try to get directions. The person they ask sends them to the wrong reflecting pool. Oh, dear. Denny takes this opportunity to make another crack about Hot Brock's driving, even though it's fairly clear at this point that it's all Denny's fault that they're in last. The Gaghans are still at the wrong pool, and Tammy and Bill refuse to ask anyone for help after Billy suggests they do. Oh, Bill. Good thing you're so pretty. Cause you're kind of dumb.
Commercials. If I were having lunch with Joan Cusack, I wouldn't answer my phone anyway; regardless of how many minutes I had left.
The Gaghans have been at the wrong pool for two hours. TWO! They've been there so long that the Rogers catch up with them there. The Bransens figure out they're at the wrong pool, and take off. Soon after that, the Rogers and Gaghans actually stop and read their clue. Whoopsie! They take off too. Everyone gets their briefcases. The Paolos are still looking for a gas station. The Gaghans arrive at the Roadblock and find the Linzes. Tammy takes on the Roadblock. "The sky is blue." "Beautiful, isn't it?" the non-spy cheerfully answers. Hehehe. Nick finally finds a spy. Tammy, perhaps taking the "spy" thing a little too seriously, is whispering the code phrase to people. Hehehe again. She finds her spy, and makes it back to the family before Nick does. They run for their car. Blood Ray makes a comment about "Daddy's" sweaty underpants. Hehehe yet again. After they leave, the Bransens get there (the Gaghans must have found their clue at lightning speed), and Walter takes the Roadblock. The Rogers are lost again. I believe this is the third time, so props to Uber Navigator Denny. Brittney leans out the window and asks someone for directions. The unseen person helps them, but the Rogers car never seems to go under ten miles per hour or so, so I have a hilarious vision of some poor guy running along the side of their car yelling directions into the open window.
The Paolos are lost. The other folks on the way to Middleburg hit a bad traffic jam. The Linzes consult their map and find a way around the crowded highway. I don't get them. They seem to be idiots most of the time, but manage to navigate unfamiliar highways with no trouble. Back at the Roadblock, Walter finds a spy. The Paolos and Bransens then hit the jam, and the Bransens also exit to try and find another route. The Rogers are just now getting to the Roadblock. Brittney seems to find a spy fairly quickly. The Weavers are first to Welbourne Manor. Linda manages to almost snap Rolly's fingers in the clue box. Detour! Heat of the Battle or Heat of the Night. Great, now that damn song's in my head. In Heat of the Battle, teams have to go onto a field on which a Civil War battle re-enactment is taking place, and transport five wounded soldiers on a stretcher to a medical tent. In Heat of the Night, teams have to roll an oil barrel to a work station, fill twenty lamps with the oil, then light them. When either of the tasks are done, they get a flag that they have to run down to Phil at the pit stop.
The Weavers somehow manage to walk right past the battlefield. How you miss a field with a hundred people shooting muskets at each other is beyond me. The Pink Ladies get there as well, and choose Heat of the Battle. The Weavers figure out where they need to go. The Pink Ladies grab their first soldier. Heh, I like how it totally doesn't matter which side's soldiers they rescue. They get a Confederate. The Weavers see them, and decide they'd be better at the lamps. Probably a wise choice on their part. They begin. Thanks to their master map, the Linzes get to the Detour third. They're going for the soldiers. They rescue a Union one. The Weavers are done filling lamps and take them to a bench to begin lighting them. The Shroeders, Aiellos, and Bransens (also thanks to going around the jam) all arrive at the same time. Shroeders - oil. Bransens - soldiers. Aiellos - soldiers. The Pink Ladies and Linzes are almost literally neck and neck as they cart their soldiers off. David talks about being a Marine and how close to home this battle hits. Understandable.
The Linzes are completely winded. In fact, a lot of the people who chose Heat of the Battle look wiped out. Why? If four people are carrying one person, shouldn't that be fairly easy? They finish up just after the Weavers finish their lamps. The fact that the Linzes are a little behind and completely exhausted gives the Weavers the edge they need to hit the mat first. Boo! The greeters are a Confederate and a Union soldier. Heh. Shouldn't they be shooting each other? The Weavers win a trip to Bermuda. They probably think that's in the middle of Canada. The Linz family is team number two. Jeepers. They did some good work with the map, but I have to say that they probably owe this one to a bunch of other teams making some horrible mistakes. The Pink Ladies are team three. Walter's having a lot of trouble with the soldiers. Again, what's so strenuous about this task? I must be missing something.
Commercials. To blatantly steal a joke from Friends, if I were going to see Elizabethtown, I'd need two tickets. One for me, and one for the guy holding a gun to my head.
The Bransens are still struggling. The Gaghans arrive and choose Heat of the Battle, which causes Carissa some worry. Tammy blows her off, much as she did at the beginning of the episode. Tammy needs to think less about the race and more about not being a bitch to her daughter on national television. Although, if I had a shot at a million dollars, I'd probably be a bitch too, so nevermind. As they carry soldiers, Blood Ray says something about getting fisted by Daddy. I'll never think of the Civil War the same way again. The Shroeders finish their lamps and check in as team number four. Tony is "wicked tired", but the Aiellos manage to finish carting the bodies of the people that symbolize a time when we all shot each other because some wanted to own black people. America! They're team number five, and the Bransens finish up as team number six. The Gaghans are team number seven.
The Paolos arrive and choose Heat of the Battle. The Rogers also arrive and choose the same thing. It's edited to look close, but I'd point out that we never see the Paolos and the Rogers in the same shot, so I'm betting it's not. Both teams carry. After finishing with one soldier, Denny decides that Renee (who's spoken maybe four words since the show began) can't do four more soldiers, so they're switching to the lamps. Hot Brock rips the bandana off his head in frustration. Yeah, no kidding. That is just game suicide at this point. The music tries to be all suspenseful, but come on. We know where this is going. The Paolos are, indeed, team number eight. I refuse to watch their little speech again. The Rogers arrive in last place and are eliminated. Let's get all of Denny's comments verbatim. This, in front of the family: "I made a mistake, and I led my guys in the wrong direction." Then, in an interview: "It's my responsibility to take the blame, if there's blame to be cast. The one thing that I always tried to show Brock, is you can't get to where you need to go in this life...casting stones and blaming other people for their misfortunes."
Yeah. IF there's blame to cast. You like that? That whole "Well, I don't know if it's when I told you the wrong highway, or when I told you that we passed an exit that we didn't, or when we went to the wrong reflecting pool, or when we clued in another team to the fact that they were in the wrong place, or when we got lost on the way to the Tidal Basin, or when I decided we had to switch Detours, but IF it's one of those things that caused us to be last, I guess I HAVE to shoulder some responsibility." What a fucking cockbite. And not only that, but actually chiding his son for being upset with him, when he spent the entire episode casting blame at Brock. You know, at first I gaped at Blood Ray when he said he's happy that the Rogers went home instead of the Paolos. But now I agree with him. Fuck off, Denny.
Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams get spun in a giant centrifuge at NASA. Maybe we can separate the Paolos into their separate components of asshole and moron. The Aiellos get their car stuck in the mud. Crap. Although I wouldn't object to seeing Matt lookin' all dirty.
Overall Grade: B-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)