Think Like An Office Chair

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 4

Before we get to the previously, Phil would like us to know that a lot of the portions of Mississippi and Louisiana the episode takes place in were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that if you'd never visited those places before, and had only this episode to go on, you'd probably wonder why that was such a big deal. Previously on The Amazing Race: Virginia. South Carolina. Crazy Weavers. Hot Aiellos. Alabama. Bullshit. No more Hot Aiellos. Seven families remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

I have to say that I kind of dreaded writing the entry for this episode, because it's so very boring. The only thing that pushed me forward is that I'm so anal, having a blank in the middle of the series would drive me crazy. However, the disclaimer is out there, so I'll probably gloss over a bunch of crap. Credits. Hunter is clearly pulling his punches. After tonight, I'm not so sure the fighting will be as playful. Commercials. Do women really envy each other's elbows? Really?

Huntsville, Alabama. We're still at the space shuttle Pathfinder at NASA, which I will now hate for eternity for being the site of boring, bullshit tasks and the end of the road for people I like. Eternal enmity was probably not what they were expecting when they agreed to be on the show. Phil wonders if the Weavers will continue being complete loons, and if the Gaghans can catch up. I think at least one of those is a pretty safe bet, Phil. The Bransens leave the mat at 1:15 PM. The clue tells them to find the largest office chair in the world. Zzzzzz. You can pretty much insert that Zzzzzz anytime Phil mentions a new task. The chair is in Anniston, Alabama. Walter is finally wearing a different shirt. The Linzes are off at 1:18 PM. That "Who Dey?" shirt seems to be making the rounds, which means that it never gets washed, which means ew. The Shroeders leave at 1:33 PM. Stassi refers to themselves as the underdogs. They're in third. Draw your own conclusions about Stassi's intelligence. The Pink Ladies leave at 1:44 PM. Tricia interviews that Sharon and Christine tend to butt heads. From my own reading of these two, that's probably because Sharon is decisive and headstrong, and Christine is kind of a stupid nit.

The Weavers don't leave until 3:34 PM, which makes sense, given that the loser bus was two hours behind last week. Linda always sounds completely confused when she reads the clue. The Shroeders are in their car talking about how phony and awful the Weavers are. This is probably why I don't hate the Shroeders more. The enemy of my enemy, and all that. The Paolos are off at 3:50 PM. They fight. I'm completely shocked. We get the most out of the other son (Brian), that we've ever heard. He says DJ and his mom fight so much because they are the same exact person. It's totally true. Brian seems fairly unobjectionable. I feel sorry for him being stuck with this crew. Finally, the Gaghans at 3:53 PM. They catch up to the Paolos with pretty much no effort.

In their car, Brian politely asks where they're going, and Marion screams ANNISTON!!!, then slices him across the neck with the clue, giving him a paper cut. Just in case you ever felt sorry for her when DJ reduced her to tears, you can take comfort in the fact that she's just as big an asshole as the rest of them. The two trailing teams take different highways, and Bill is confident that they've chosen the faster route. The Bransens have found the chair. Lauren climbs up, gets the clue, and climbs down. It's as exciting as it sounds. The clue sends them to Talladega, Alabama to find the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. Their next clue will be in the museum there. It seems that teams actually passed Talladega on their way to Anniston, so everyone knows exactly where it is. It's good that the show had them backtrack, because otherwise the episode might have had a segment with a sliver of suspense or excitement. The Weavers are passing Talladega now, and worry that they'll be sent there. That's pretty sharp for a family that can't figure out what Pennsylvania is. The Linzes find the chair. The Shroeders find the chair. The Pink Ladies find the chair.

The Bransens have found the museum at Talladega, and pull their clue. It tells them to complete one lap around the track. Ah, but they won't be using cars. They'll be pedaling around in a goofy-lookin' contraption called a party bike. Whoo! Party! This is as hideously lame as the rest of the episode, but I have to wonder if this was changed at some point in deference to the Weavers. This episode doesn't have a Roadblock, and my guess is that originally, this was it, and that one of the team members either had to drive a racecar or ride alongside a racecar driver, but that they scrapped it to avoid seeming insensitive. So they did what they could on short notice, and tossed a few multi-person bikes out on the track. Voila. The Linzes have found the museum, too. Tommy says "How do you like dem apples?", because he speaks entirely in cliches. Is it wrong that I'm starting to find Alex kind of attractive? Probably. I'll try not to admit that again. The Shroeders are there too. The Bransens pedal as the Gaghans arrive at the chair. Guess Bill was right about his route being faster. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They're unhappy when they read the clue, for good reason. Linda says "Oh, my Lord," which Blood Ray points out could be construed as taking the Lord's name in vain. Heh. The Paolos have finally found the chair, too. They seem to be in last so often. How come they haven't been eliminated yet?

The Bransens look to be about halfway done with the pedaling as the Linzes get started, so those Bransens must have made some good time with the driving today. The Shroeders get started on the bikes too, and the Bransens finish shortly thereafter. Their clue sends them to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which one of the Bransen girls pronounces as "Huh-TEES-burg". Oy. They are supposed to find "The Southern Colonel". What is the Colonel, you ask? Is it a museum? Is it a nature trail? An art gallery? Anything that would be even remotely interesting or indicative of culture in Hattiesburg? Don't be ridiculous. The Southern Colonel is a trailer park (it looks to be a place that they sell mobile homes - I don't think people live there). You have got to be kidding me. That is just a giant FUCK YOU to Mississippi.

The Pink Ladies have found the track. The Weavers have an actual sympathetic moment as they try and pep themselves up for whatever awaits them at Talladega. Suddenly, they're there. Hey, what happened to the Gaghans? They open the clue, and are very displeased to find the "do one lap" clue within. I'd be displeased too, but could probably refrain from squealing like a pig, Rachel. She also calls Linda "mommy", which she is way too old to do.

Commercials. Bewitched is available on DVD and PSP. I have no idea what PSP is, but maybe by offering it, they can double their sales. Now twelve people will buy that movie.

The Weavers make their way onto the track. Wait! How did the Weavers make up the two-hour difference of the bus last week? This makes no sense. Although we never see them on the track with any of the four teams on the first bus, so maybe it's misleading. Mark Shroeder suggests stopping and raising the seats. The other Shroeders say no, so of course he stops. Stassi shrieks at him, while Char opts for a (justifiably) bitchy "we had momentum, Mark". When they start back up, Stassi groans that "one minute makes the biggest difference!" which is usually true, but again - they should have a two-hour lead on three teams at this point. The Linzes, Shroeders, and Pink Ladies finish biking. The Gaghans have found the racetrack. The Weavers bike. Linda pronounces Hattiesburg correctly, but goes for "colonial" instead of "colonel". There's inspirational music as the Weavers talk about their strength as a team. Um, you just pedaled a party bike around in a circle, because the producers (probably correctly) thought you'd fall apart at the sight of a racecar. It's understandable, but you don't earn a ton of respect for doing the watered-down task. Nice try, show.

The Gaghans are just getting started on the bike, so this editing is, indeed, wonky. The track is more than two miles long. Are you telling me that the Weavers (who left the chair at about the same time as the Gaghans) drove to Talladega, completed a two-mile course on a party bike, and left all before the Gaghans arrived? Something's fishy here. The Paolos arrive at Talladega, and Tony is absolutely thrilled with the clue, because he thinks he'll be in a racecar. Crushing his joy makes me happy. As the Gaghans wrap up and leave, they note the sky is becoming a bit threatening. It still looks calm but cloudy as the Paolos start pedaling, so I have no idea what the true order of events is in this episode.

The Linzes catch up to the Bransens on the highway. As they pass, Lauren moons them out the window. That'd usually be pretty funny, but mooning someone while your Dad sits three feet away? Ick. Because he's a wuss, Alex doesn't moon her back, but lifts his shirt up, then yells "Now it's your turn!" Heh. It's a family show, so we don't see how Lauren responds. She probably jiggled her boobies out the window while her father cheered her on. The Paolos pedal some more, and now it looks like the storm season that came right before the hurricanes is in full swing. Massive black clouds rise up, and there's a bunch of lightning as well. They show a shot of the storm as the Paolos hurry to their car, and it's the most impressive one I've seen in a long time.

One of the Bransen girls has a good idea, suggesting that they just pull into the nearest gas station in Hattiesburg, and look up Southern Colonel in the phone book. They find it easily, as do the Linzes. The clue says to search among the 37 trailer homes for a departure time the next morning. The times are 7:20 AM, 7:40 AM, and 8:00 AM. Unlike leading teams that find these sorts of clues in other seasons, Megan actually does the smart thing and insists upon finding the earliest time, rather than just hysterically pulling a ticket. Meanwhile, the Shroeders ask a police officer about the Colonel. He directs them to the right place, but Mark and Char are convinced that a trailer park couldn't possibly be what they're looking for. I kind of feel them on that one. I'd also have trouble believing that my destination would be that stupid. Char suggests looking in a phone book, but Mark dismisses that as too easy. Well, pick one, Mark. Either this place is a touristy-type thing, which means it would certainly be in the phone book, or it's a little out of the way thing, which means the police officer was probably right. Stassi is unhappy that they're not going to look in the phone book.

The Pink Ladies find a computer lab of some sort, and find the Colonel on the internet, complete with directions there. Nice! The Weavers get directions from some folks in a gas station. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi suggests stopping at a gas station for directions. Mark seems ambivalent about this as well. What the hell is his problem? He doesn't want to trust the police officer's directions. He doesn't want to look in a phone book. He doesn't want to stop at a gas station. Is he just expecting to trip over the Colonel at some point? What a tool. They actually wind up doing all three, as they find a phone book in a gas station that shows the police officer was right. Mark rips the phone book page out to take with them. That's pretty rude.

The Bransens and Linzes work together and find that the 7:20 AM departure time is the best, so they both grab one. The Pink Ladies and Weavers get to the Colonel at the same time. The Pink Ladies do the exactly wrong thing and just pull the first ticket they come to (7:40 AM). I don't understand how people mess this up so bad every season. They haven't seen another ticket, so for all they know, 7:40 is the latest departure time, which means there would be literally no disadvantage in looking for a better one. So stupid. Luckily for the Pink Ladies, the Weavers are equally as stupid, and pull the 8:00 departure time. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi is starting to lose her mind. They find the clue, and Stassi just weeps at how bad they're doing. They're in 5th. They started the leg in 3rd. Really no need for a tantrum just yet. The Pink Ladies have the unmitigated gall to tell them to look for 7:40 AM, as if they're sure it's the best time. The first trailer the Shroeders go into has the 8:00 time, and Mark actually suggests pulling it! He knows for a fact that's not the earliest time. Is everyone left on this show a complete moron? Stassi says as much, adding on that she does not want to have the same departure time as the Weavers. Understandable. The Gaghans arrive. Bill just pulls an 8:00 AM time. Sure, why not? Carissa says she doesn't like trailers because they're evil. I'd find that funnier if I weren't fuming about how fucking dumb these people are. The Paolos arrive, so the Shroeders panic and pull the first ticket they come to, which is an 8:00 AM. Stassi's crying again, so one of the Pink Ladies tries to soothe her by saying, get this, that the Shroeders will only be 20 minutes behind them. This somehow fails to comfort Stassi. She cries some more that one minute makes all the difference. This time she's right.

Commercials. I promise that if I ever need to transport twenty beach balls, I'll think about buying a Hyundai Santa Fe.

So of course the Paolos stumble across a 7:40 AM departure, because this season is populated by dumbasses. They take it because Marion says that they'll be leaving in less than five hours.

Blood Ray: "It's probably 11:00 PM."

Hahahaha. Man, this season would be becoming unbearable pretty quickly if I were watching it alone. Morning. The Bransens and Linzes leave at 7:20 AM. The clue tells them to drive to Richland, Mississippi and find a specific gas station. Once there, they'll have to look for a guy named Les to receive their next clue. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Go to a gas station and get your next clue? This show does not deserve to call itself The Amazing Race. This is the stupidest fucking task in the history of this show, and I am not exaggerating. Whatever, let's just move on. The Pink Ladies and Paolos leave at 7:40 AM. The Weavers, Shroeders, and Gaghans are all leaving at 8:00 AM. They all deserve to leave at noon, with the way they've been playing. The Bransens and Linzes find Les. The clue tells them to go to Madisonville in the Pelican State (which is Louisiana), and find Fairview Riverside State Park. So that was Mississippi. Mobile homes and gas stations. Both teams figure out the Pelican State thing easily. The Pink Ladies blow right by the correct gas station. The Paolos have found it, though. The Pink Ladies actually see the Paolos turn in to the gas station (which is the right company as well), and decide that they must just be stopping off for something. Sure, ladies. They stopped at a gas station, but not the right one, because they need to buy snacks. Which, of course, they could never do at the correct gas station. DUMBASSES.

The Paolos get their clue and leave, now in third place. Frankly, they deserve third place right now. The Pink Ladies decide to turn around and go back to the gas station. Gee, ya think? They're mad. Hey, you told Stassi that 20 minutes doesn't make a difference. What's five to you? Apparently plenty. The Shroeders have spotted the gas station, and Stassi is still going on about how one minute (or maybe ticket) makes the biggest difference. We. Get. It. The Gaghans and Weavers are at the gas station too. Everyone gets the clue and takes off, except for the Shroeders who not only need gas, but have never heard of Madisonville, and they're from Louisiana. We're supposed to think they're dumb for this, but I'm certainly not familiar with every podunk town in Missouri. In the Gaghan car, Carissa sings a little ditty about finding a pen. The Shroeders unravel even more. Christine finds the highway they need on the map, and demands that the other Pink Ladies basically worship at her feet because she found the interstate. They give her high fives, but roll their eyes. Christine gets on my nerves too, ladies. Mark Shroeder, who apparently has a degree from the Denny Rogers Institute of Leading Your Family, tells Char not to get on the (correct) highway.

The Bransens and Linzes have found the park. Detour! Work vs. Play. In Work, you use a two-person saw to slice 12-inch diameter pieces off a log. Four slices and you're done. In Play, you row to a nearby riverboat and play Blackjack against a dealer. All four team members have to beat the dealer (or the dealer can bust). Win three times, and you're done. That sounds easier, but on reflection, having four people beat him would take a while. Add to that the time spent rowing, and I'd probably go for the log. Everyone has to put on "appropriate period clothing". Think Miss Kitty's saloon at Six Flags, only uglier. Both teams choose Play. The Shroeders have realized that they've missed their highway. Not only that, but the park they're looking for is 30 minutes from their house, and 5 minutes (!!!!) from where Mark used to work. And they've never heard of it, or the town it's in? DUMBASSES. They're suitably embarrassed. Back at the boat, the Linzes almost tip into the water, but don't. Boo! One of the Bransen girls doesn't know how to play Blackjack. Walter responds how I did: Oh, geez. The Paolos arrive and choose Work. Good choice on their part. The Pink Ladies arrive and choose Work as well. The card players are finding it more difficult to win than they thought, though the Bransens are through one round.

The Weavers are a bit lost, so the Gaghans are next to the Detour. They choose Play. The Linzes panic and bolt the card table to go do the logs. The Paolos are actually working well as a team to cut the logs. I'm surprised they didn't attempt to behead each other with the saws the second they got their hands on them. The Gaghans start to play, and the Bransens win their second round. The Paolos finish up their logs. They are currently in first place. Can you believe that shit? The clue tells them to get to the next pit stop: Preservation Hall in New Orleans, Louisiana. I've been there! Sorry, I'm contractually obliged to shout that whenever they go places I've been. I have a feeling they won't be indulging in the activities that I indulged in when I was in New Orleans, though. Wow, I never realized Lake Pontchartrain was that big. As the Paolos leave, the Bransens win their third round, so they're off as well. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They choose Play. The Linzes and Pink Ladies are done with the logs. The Weavers have won two rounds while the Gaghans have yet to score. It looks like the Gaghans are hitting too often. I think the fastest way to win this would be to stay on anything 12 or over, and just hope the dealer busts. The Gaghans start to panic.

Commercials. Hey, Close to Home, you know what's really desperate? Invoking the name of a more popular show to try and drum up interest in yours.

The Gaghans give up, and leave to go do the logs. The Bransens and Linzes marvel at the size of Lake Pontchartrain. In the Pink Lady car, Christine wants to grab their bags to take with them when they get out of the car. I'm not really sure why, since they're on the way to the pit stop. They can pick up their stuff after they check in, I assume. The other ladies point out that it's not the best idea, since they have to run through the French Quarter. Christine first tries to be resolute ("Well, I'm taking my backpack!") to get respect. It doesn't work, so she cries to get sympathy. Christine is thirty-seven years old. Carissa is more mature than her. She interviews (during which she cries) that she cries to relieve tension when she's tired. I suppose I've heard of worse ways to relieve stress. It still seems like remarkably childish behavior on a woman pushing forty. Plus, she yells at the other Pink Ladies for making her cry. Like Mark, she needs to choose one. Either the other Pink Ladies are badgering her so much that she's upset (which...not - they just don't want to lug their backpacks), or she's just doing her normal cry to relieve stress routine, which she said doesn't mean much to her emotionally. She doesn't get to have it both ways.

The Weavers finish their Blackjack. You can tell they're in a hurry, because they don't badger the dealer about his relationship with the Lord. The Gaghans start sawing, and Carissa racks herself in the face with the saw. Sorry, but I laughed for about thirty full seconds after that. The Weavers are excited to see the Shroeders just arriving as they leave. Linda cautions them not to be too happy, since the Shroeders are familiar with the area. Irony! As a further insult to the Shroeders, it starts raining again as they choose Work. The Gaghans saw. Mark consults his Denny manual, and decides they need to change Detours. It's just as much game suicide as it was when the Rogers did it. They go across to the boat. The editing would suggest that they have won two rounds by the time the Gaghans are done sawing, but I don't buy it. The Weavers are going across the massive bridge, and Linda refers to Lake Pontchartrain as one of the five great lakes. She's a teacher. I'll leave it at that. The lead teams get into New Orleans. It looks like the show has actually blocked off parking spaces for them, which is kind of bullshit, but ranks pretty low on the bullshit scale when compared to a bunch of other things the producers have seen fit to throw at us this season, so whatever. The Paolos and Bransens search for Preservation Hall.

The Shroeders are musing about how close to home they are. Oh, they'll be even closer to their home soon enough. The Linzes have arrived in New Orleans. The Bransens have found Preservation Hall, and hit the mat in first. Well, I don't hate this particular team, so...yay? They win a trip to Orlando. The greeter grins awkwardly as they freak out. The Paolos arrive in second. The Paolos! Second! I don't think you need any more evidence as to how stupidly the other teams played this week. The Pink Ladies arrive. Christine isn't wearing her backpack, so nice empty threat, there. No wonder your sisters don't respect you. The Linzes hit the mat in third. The Weavers arrive. The Pink Ladies hit the mat in fourth. The Gaghans arrive. The Weavers hit the mat in fifth. Seeing a pattern? Yes, the editing again tries to be all tricky, but the Gaghans arrive in sixth, and the Shroeders are last. I'm fully expecting a non-elimination point. There are so many still to fit in. The Shroeders expect it, too. But we're all wrong. They're eliminated. Char is wracked with sobs that sound so miserable that I actually feel sorry for them. Still. Stop the bike to adjust the seats? Ignore directions given by local police officers? Pull a departure ticket without looking for earlier ones? Missing your highway? Switching your Detour choice? They deserve to be in last, so it's no great tragedy to see them go. At least Mark owns up to his mistakes and doesn't try to shove off the blame on the rest of the family. Denny would be disappointed in him.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Phil talks about DJ's fear of heights, but all I can concentrate on is the fact that he's holding the Fast Forward, which will probably put them into first place next week. Damn it. Sharon struggles at home plate during a baseball task. What, no tasks where the teams are sent to bus station bathrooms?

Overall Grade: D+