The Girl Who Gets A Boob Job

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Cassandra decided that cutting seven inches off her hair was fine, but eight? Now you've gone too far! She quit the competition and vowed to return to beauty pageants. Hopefully, she returns to a salon first so they can try to salvage something out of that hideous mess. Tyra states that a "crush on Kim" caused Sarah's performance to suffer, but when was Sarah's performance any better? In any case, the pontoon-lipped Missourian was cut loose, and came home to her boyfriend, whose first words to her were probably "So, you were into some chick, huh? Because my friend Candy said that she wouldn't mind joining us some night. Here, do this shot of Wild Turkey." Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Bel Air. Kim feels a bit ambivalent about Sarah's elimination, since she was on the block as well. If Kim doesn't start taking better pictures soon, she may be joining Sarah in Loserville. Eh, who am I kidding? This show loves mouthy lesbians. Kim won't be cut until the final four or so. The remaining girls decide to take a picture of themselves, some of them topless. Nicole interviews that Diane didn't want to be in the booby shots, I guess because she's curvier than the other girls, but it looks like several of them didn't go topless. I am a bit surprised to see Nicole flashing her goods. Not only that, but she and Fugly Lisa go through Lisa's stash of alcohol (which is considerable). Wow, Fugly Lisa a booze-hag? Who would have thunk it? Actually, who wouldn't have thunk it? I guess it's possible some infants may not have been able to call that one. Fugly Lisa continues giving "advice" to the other girls about their posing and such. Even if we give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she doesn't know she's driving the other girls batshit, Coryn gives it to her straight: "Why would I listen to someone I'm competing against? That's stupid." Hah! Sock it to her, Coryn! So now Fugly Lisa knows that Coryn doesn't want the "tips" she has to give. Let's keep that in mind for later. The funniest part of this scene is that Fugly Lisa interviews that Coryn is "hard looking" and the next shot is one of Fugly Lisa looking like she's just spent about twenty years in a trailer with nothing but cartons of cigarettes and forties of Natural Light.

Tyra Mail. It says something about "pluses and minuses", so the girls think it may have something to do with math. Because math challenges show up so often on modeling shows. This ain't Square One TV, you nits. I wish it were. That show was so awesome. Remember the Mathnet case about... What? Oh. Fine. The next morning the girls go Smashbox, which is the home of LA Fashion Week. OJ tells the girls about Twiggy, and how she redefined the landscape of modeling. Diane interviews that Twiggy changed the industry so that everyone was now interested in skinny girls. She then gives the camera a look like, "that bitch", and laughs to show she's kidding. I love Diane. Twiggy then comes out to talk to the girls about turning their negatives into positives, using herself as an example, but when she tells her story, it sounds like she just happened to be in the right place at the right time. She didn't really hide what she calls her negatives. It's just that her "negatives" (like being too thin, and having ears that stick out a bit) were what people wanted to see at that point.

Bre says she's confident on the runway (which causes OJ to give Twiggy the snottiest look in the world - shut up, you fuckstick), but that her confidence doesn't translate to pictures. Diane is worried that showing off her curves makes her look like a porn star. Twiggy gives them both very patient, helpful answers about being focused and true to themselves. She's just given better advice in twenty seconds than OJ has in five seasons. Twiggy leaves, and OJ brings out Dean and Davis Factor, who own the place. He then passes out a questionnaire. Each of them has to write down what they think their own personal flaws are, along with what they think the other girls' flaws are. Kyle (looking completely gorgeous - I'm quite the Kyle fan now) interviews that she suspects Fugly Lisa will be pretty harsh on the questionnaire because she's so judgmental. Nice! Jayla's also on board with this line of thinking, interviewing that Coryn will take her criticisms to heart because Fugly Lisa's been "dogging" on her so much. OJ and the Factor boys collect the questionnaires.

Let's just say at the outset that both the flaws that the girls have chosen and OJ's advice for how to hide them are mostly bullshit. I mean, look at Jayla. The worst thing everyone could come up with are her (apparently) big ears. I'd say Jayla's teeth should be her main concern. Bre's forehead is (apparently) too large, as are her front teeth. Nicole is (apparently) too pale. Diane (apparently) doesn't show her personality (read: boobs) enough in her photos. Nike (apparently) has bug eyes. Fugly Lisa (apparently) has cross eyes. Kim (apparently) has an untoned ass and love handles, which (apparently) stem from her (apparently) narrow hips. Kyle's neck is (apparently) too short. Coryn is (apparently) too skinny and muscular. She knows immediately that it was Fugly Lisa who wrote that, but for once it's because she was asked to, so Coryn should probably save that Eye of Death for later.

It's later. The girls are getting ready for a photo shoot challenge, and someone asks Coryn what's wrong. "Dumb bitches. They get on my nerves." I guess Fugly Lisa is so annoying that she counts as two people now, because I don't think Coryn is referring to anyone else. Fugly Lisa's all like "whatever you have to say, why don't you confront me with it?" hoping Coryn will back down. Coryn does not back down. She essentially says "I have nothing to say to you, and am not interested in anything you have to say to me, so let's each just pretend the other doesn't exist." Fugly Lisa claims to be fine with that, but she's so not. She operates by needling and picking. She's an attention whore. Someone cutting off contact is the best punishment you could ever devise for her. Coryn even says outright, but very calmly: "I just don't like you." Awesome.

Commercials. That ad for Television Scene It just shamefully reminds me that I haven't been able to beat my sister at that game. Thanks for destroying my self-confidence, commercials.

When we return, that little fight scene is recapped, along with Jayla telling us the same thing. We get it now, thanks. Not two minutes after Fugly Lisa proclaimed to be fine with not talking to Coryn, she whines "what, you don't want to sit next to me?" to her. She may just be doing it to annoy her, but Coryn will not be swayed; she shuts her down again. Kyle and Kim are happy that Coryn spoke out and said what they've all been thinking. Fugly Lisa then interviews "Everyone let her be mad at me," like she was expecting the other girls to leap to her defense. She may just be that delusional. Suddenly, the girls are back at the pad, opening Tyra Mail. Wait, so why were they just putting on makeup and stuff at Smashbox? This is confusing.

OK, I must have missed something, or this show's editors need a spanking. It's now the next day, and time for a challenge that Miss J describes. The girls will be directing their photographer (yet another Jay) for two shots: one that accentuates their "flaw", and one that hides it. Bre's up first. She's wearing a T-shirt that reads "I [heart] Black People" that I covet. She does a fairly good job, though I'm not sure she did a great job hiding her forehead in the second shot. Diane. Her two shots are almost identical. Sigh. Jayla tries to hide her Dumbo ears by turning to the side for her second shot, but it doesn't work. Nike. It's strange to say, but she actually doesn't do a good job in her first shot, i.e.: accentuating her big eyes. She looks drop-dead gorgeous in the second one. She's not even made up for a photo shoot! She's so going to win this season. Coryn sucks, but how do you hide your "flaw" if it's a muscular body? She doesn't have a burqua on hand. Fugly Lisa's second shot looks good, but she's not really working with or around her "lazy eye". Nicole does a good job, possibly by having the photographer overexpose her. Kyle's great, though she's not good at explaining to the photographer what she wants. Not only does her first shot make it look like she has a short neck, and the second one doesn't, but she looks beautiful in both shots! How'd she do that? Kim sucks. Have we seen her take a good picture yet? I really don't think we have.

Jay (the photographer) gets to choose the challenge's winner: Kyle! Yay! She's thrilled. She and two friends get to go to a spa for a massage. Finally, a good reward. Poor Bre's probably spitting mad, thinking of her caviar dinner. Kyle chooses Kim and Coryn. They have a great time at the spa. They start talking shit about who they like and hate in the house. Meow. Of course, Kyle isn't bitching about anyone. Kyle never bitches about the others. Just like always, she listens and nods her head while Kim and Coryn shred Fugly Lisa.

The next day, Jayla opens the Tyra Mail. It says something about "fake it till you make it" and that the girls should be ready at 6:30 AM. Wait! You just showed us an evening scene at the spa followed by a bright blue sky. Is it not the next day? It must not be. Who's editing this crap? Whatever. Let's just cut ahead to the photo shoot. The girls meet OJ at a set that's made up to look like a plastic surgery operating room. What the fuck is Kim wearing? She's got her hair spiked out, blue-tinted glasses (with heavy black frames), a blue and white (striped, of course) shirt, and a fur stole wrapped around her neck. Is she blind? She looks ridiculous. OJ explains that the shoot will be poking fun at people who take plastic surgery to the extreme. Who do we know that would have some expertise in that area? Why, it's guest photographer Janice Dickinson! The girls cheer when she comes out, but she's not satisfied until Jayla bows down and worships at her feet. Heh. Bre is understandably nervous that Janice will slice her to ribbons.

Commercials. It's not like I'd ever blow off my grandmother to go smoke pot, but if I had? She wouldn't have sat around all day waiting for me. But then, she wasn't a moron.

Fugly Lisa is happy to see Janice because she thinks they're a lot alike. Nice try, Fugly Lisa. You may both be certifiably insane, but Janice has the intelligence and guts to carry it off. There's an obvious overdub where OJ tells the girls that the procedures are fake. First of all, duh. Secondly, I'm not sure why the producers felt the need to insert that, but it was really poorly done. Are they just pulling people off the street to edit this episode? Fugly Lisa's getting a "face lift". Why not just actually give her one? We'd all win. Bre's getting "cheek implants". Jayla - "butt implant". Kyle - "lip implant". Nike - "hair extension". Nicole - "fake tan". Kim - "boob job". Diane - "breast reduction". Coryn - "Botox". Hit it! The girls go into hair and makeup. Janice starts explaining to Kyle why she became a model, and slithers onto her lap. Kyle looks completely freaked out. She interviews that Janice is intimidating because she's so forward. So true. It's appalling that the show dumped her. I guess Tyra was tired of being upstaged. Janice asks Kim if she's a lesbian. Kim: "Yes." Janice: "That's hot." I suppose reading twenty "heh" or "Ha!" or "HAHAHAHA!!!" would be tiresome, but you should assume I'm giggling delightedly through this entire scene. Bre asks for a little smooch and Janice gives her one, followed by an offhand "Nice!". Fugly Lisa swaggers up to her, convinced they're soul sisters and Janice knocks her down a peg or twelve. Fugly Lisa disses the other girls. Janice tells her not to dis the other girls. Fugly Lisa denies dissing the other girls, apparently hoping that Janice's memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds. Which it probably isn't. Coryn calls Fugly Lisa on her bullshit, and suddenly Fugly Lisa is bawling in an interview about how "offended" she is that Janice and Coryn were so blunt, even though she said that's what she loves about Janice, and it's what makes them so alike. Apparently, Fugly Lisa hopes that our memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds.

That little scene, right there? Bumped the episode grade by a full letter. Classic.

Nike's up first, and Janice thinks the shot will be better if Nike's naked, with the hair extensions covering her naughty bits. She's right. Nike looks terrific, as always. Kim shows no expression in her face, and Janice tears her a new asshole. It's about time someone did. I don't hate Kim, but she is a terrible model. Kyle looks wonderful, and Janice has nothing but praise for her. Sweet. I'm not wild about Bre's hair, but her face is pretty. Janice doesn't think she connects with the camera. I suppose that's true. Coryn. Janice says she needs softness in her face. Huh? Coryn's supposed to be portraying someone who just got Botox. Softness should be the last thing you see in her face. Poor Coryn. She just can't catch a break today. Fugly Lisa goes up for her turn while Kim and Jayla make fun of her on the sidelines. Janice hears them and declares them jealous, which they probably are. Like I said, I don't have a lot of problems with Kim, and I think my feelings on Fugly Lisa are pretty clear, but Lisa has looked better than Kim in every single picture taken in this competition so far, including this one. Nicole's fake tan makes her look completely fried, and she does an excellent job, which Janice notes. Jayla's boring. Diane's boobs are taped down, which she finds painful. She cries. As usual, her face is really pretty when she poses, but her insecurity shows, and she can't pose very well. Janice advises the girls to be kind to their fellow models, and they go home.

Elimination looms, which Nike and Diane note in the confessional. Diane looks completely destroyed by this point. She looks tired and depressed and you just want to reach out and give her a hug. Everyone's nervous about the upcoming panel.

Commercials. I would literally rather watch two hours of actual fog than The Fog.

We are welcomed into the Chamber of Doom with a picture of Tyra pulling her eyes back so that she looks like a freak. Is that what her flaw is supposed to be? What'ere, Jane Eyre. She introduces the judges, including the Factor boys as the guest judges. What the fuck? They spent all of two minutes with the girls and all they did was collect the questionnaires! Janice was the guest photographer, and should have been the guest judge. Does Tyra really hate her that much? The final challenge is to try to explain away your flaw at a fake go-see. Most of the girls do fine. Nike has straight hair for the elimination, and still looks good. I don't know how she can transition from straight to curly and back again so often. Fugly Lisa tries that trick where you pretend to be self-deprecating, and it backfires. Kim describes her poses to the judges, which they don't appreciate. Nigel makes the "blah blah blah" motion with his hands. Heh.

Photo evaluations. Diane is too insecure. Nigel tells her that they want a "plus size" personality, which is really insulting when you stop to think about it. Her photo is fairly good. Tyra tells the others that Janice shot the pictures, and Nigel says that models make the best photographers, just so we can transition to shots of Nigel when he was a model himself. I won't deny my baser instincts. Nigel was fiiiiiiiiine. He still is. Plus, that British accent? Mmm. By now both the judges and I have completely forgotten about poor Diane. Kim. Miss J likens Kim's posing explanations to Charlie Brown's schoolteacher. That is a perfect analogy. Her photo is so, so boring. In my admittedly not very expert opinion, she's just not photogenic in the least. The judges tell Fugly Lisa not to point out her flaws to people who may be looking to hire her, like, DUH. Her photo is beautiful and the judges are pleased with her. Coryn is too sad and stoic. I don't like her photo, and the judges seem mostly bored by it. Everyone has nothing but praise for Kyle. The judges seem more interested in the picture of Jennifer Lopez tacked to the wall in Jayla's photo than they are in Jayla herself. Nicole doesn't push herself to any limits, relying on the same sort of poses in each shot. That makes some sense. The entire world loves Nike. Nigel notes that Bre looks down in the mouth this week. She tells them that the criticisms in elimination can wear you down after a while, which was a bad idea, no matter how true it is. They will cut you loose in a second if you lose your spark. Look what happened to poor Brittany in Cycle 4. They do love her photo, though.

Commercials. I feel for the girl who's making grotesque faces because her contacts are bugging her. Those fuckers can hurt.

Deliberations. Bre's in trouble because of her depressed attitude. So is Coryn. So is Diane. Elimination. Kyle is safe. Jayla. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Nicole. Kim. Coryn. Will Diane and Bre please step forward? This is interesting, because Bre did fairly well in the flaw challenge, did a good job at the photo shoot, and passed her fake go-see with flying colors. The only reason she's in the bottom two is because she doesn't like getting torn down week after week. That doesn't seem quite fair. Maybe the judges are just trying to put a scare into her, because she's safe and Diane will be the one going home. She hugs the other girls as she begins to cry, and thanks Tyra for the opportunity as she leaves. Aw. Hey, this is different Girl Goes Home music. Still smiling brightly through her tears, Diane says that business is business and she guesses she has more to learn. She's a sweetie. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra implies that there's backstabbing afoot when the girls shoot a commercial, but it looks like Nike (who's about as cutthroat and vicious as a salamander) is involved, so I doubt it. Fugly Lisa and Coryn continue to be mortal enemies.

Overall Grade: C+