How Do We Know We're Not Going To Get Shot?

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 2

Previously on The Amazing Race: 40 freaking people took off from the starting line in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty in a race for a million dollars. The Gaghan family surged ahead. Blood Ray: "Ooh, I'd like to be gaggin' on Daddy" (i.e.: Bill Gaghan). Someone's feeling frisky tonight! Meanwhile, back in the previously - the Paolo family sucked so hard they turned themselves inside out. Teams crossed the Delaware River with a George Washington imposter and bickered so much that the real George Washington looked down from heaven and was all like "This is the country I fought so hard to create? Fuck that noise. I'm going back to England." At the Detour, Linda Weaver was run over by an Amish buggy, because God has a messed up sense of humor. The Godlewski sisters chittered their way into first place, and the adorable Black family (hee) was unfortunately cut loose. 9 teams remain. Who will eliminated tonight?

Credits. There's something very poetic about the Paolo family posing in front of a garbage truck. Commercials. The ad with the two women rhapsodizing over their chocolate yogurt is so bad, that it kind of goes through good, and back to bad again.

Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The Pink Ladies take off first at 7:57 AM. Phil doesn't mention anything about 12 hour pit stops, so I wonder how they're working that this season. The clue tells them to get to York, Pennsylvania to seek out the giant shoe. No word on whether there will be so many children that we won't know what to do. They're happy about being first. The Gaghans leave at 8:07 AM. Tammy says that the other teams probably thought they were just that team dragging along their kids, but now they'll be viewed as a threat. I think "threat" is a little strong, but they do seem to function well as a team. The Weavers leave at 8:08 AM. They actually fail to piss me off in the first twenty seconds, so maybe there's hope for them yet. Linda talks about how she needs to be the family leader now that her husband has passed away, and she thinks the race might help her take on that role. Not a bad idea. The Rogers leave at 8:09 AM. Hot Brock interviews that his Dad is in charge and they have to do what he says, but he thinks that all members of the family should have a say. This is all supposed to be very portentous, but I can't really concentrate on foreshadowing when Hot Brock is talking about "taking charge". Here go the Shroeders at 8:18 AM. Stassi interviews that coming in fifth place knocked some of the arrogance out of their family. Let's hope so. Hunter says "Dad, come on," and that may be the most we've heard out of him yet.

The Pink Ladies stop to gas up their car. In the Gaghan car, Tammy talks about being in "race mode" and having to focus, as Billy makes silly faces at the camera. It's pretty funny, actually. Maybe all my annoyance at Billy last week was just over-excitement on his part and over-suspicion on mine. The Pink Ladies yell at Sharon for going too slow. Because she's going to speed up how fast the gas pumps? Shut up, other Pink Ladies. Ah, here's the Weavers we all know and hate, begging Jesus to help them find the shoe (which is less than 20 miles away from their starting point). I don't want to come back to this again and again, so we'll just say it here and be done with it: God doesn't care how you do on a reality TV show. He/She/It has nothing to do with your placement in the race, your navigation abilities, or winning a bunch of money, and to think he does is pretty much the height of arrogance. Thank you. Weavers suck. Moving on. The Rogers are hunting for the shoe, and the Shroeders decide to try a shortcut.

The Paolos are leaving the mat at 8:21 AM (so really, just behind the Shroeders). One annoying son says that they have to look for Shorehouse Road. BZZZT!!! I can understand how the words shoe and house could trip you up when put together, though. They're so complicated. They begin to fight literally two steps off the mat. I fucking hate them. I'm ignoring them again. The Bransens are off at 8:24 AM and one of the girls says "Giddyap!". Ugh. The Aiellos choose "Fire it up!" which isn't much better. They're leaving at 8:37 AM. All the boys want to make Tony proud. Aw. The Linzes leave last at 8:45 AM. Megan is proud of her brothers and says they're not going to beat themselves up. Sure, coming in second-to-last is a total triumph. Yay, second-to-last! They need to wear less orange.

The Gaghans are first to the giant shoe. I am shocked that nobody brings up the old woman who lives there. That is such a wasted opportunity. Tammy sends Bill to get the clue. Carissa says she'd like to go get it, and Tammy responds with a surprisingly nasty "NO." I'm sure Bill would be faster, but was that really necessary? Tammy also calls Bill "Daddy", which is a little disturbing. She should only do that when saying things like "Daddy and I discussed it, and we're not getting you a pony." Or when they're doing it. Bill gets the clue, which tells them to drive to Washington, D.C. and find the clue box, which is around the reflecting pool at the Capitol building. The Gaghans consult their map and say that they need to take highway 30 West to 83 South. Hooray for subtle foreshadowing! The Shroeders are next to the shoe, thanks to their shortcut, and they send Stassi up to get the clue. I was thinking Stassi was pronounced Stacey, but apparently not. That makes her name even worse. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. STILL nobody mentions the old woman. I don't know why that is bugging me so much. Somebody say it! These two teams also mention 30 West. The Weavers find the clue, and finally someone says "it's just like in the book!" which is hilarious. That probably was the last book they read. Rolly goes up for the clue. Shades of last week return as one of the girls says "What state is Washington, D.C. in? Washington?". Yeah. I'm thinking the answer to this family is less Bible study, more Carmen Sandiego.

Hot Brock runs up for the Rogers family. He's wearing a shirt that reads "I [heart] [heart] Twins." Bleh. I mean, I heart twins too, but I wouldn't wear my "Ask Me About My Penis" or my "Catcher" or my "I [heart] Cock" or my "Sleeps Well With Others" shirt on TV. I swear to God all those shirts were gifts. I didn't buy them for myself. OK, I bought one of them for myself, but I'm not saying which. And now, a bunch of things happen in a row. 1) The Rogers decide that since this is a long trip, they need to switch drivers, so Hot Brock jumps in the driver's seat. 2) Denny says "I'm the navigator." 3) Not one second after he says that, he says "Now, have you been paying attention as to how we got here?". You just said you were the navigator! 4) Denny then gets all snitty because nobody is sure where they are, despite the fact that he's holding the map. 5) Denny: "30 East." Oh, dear. This is going to go down hard. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos all find the shoe. David is excited because he's lived outside D.C. for three years. Oh, well I'm sure they'll have no problems then.

The Gaghans, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Weavers have found 83 South. To Baltimore! Yay! I was born there, so I'm excited about anything Maryland-related. The Rogers? Still tooling down 30 East. Denny tells Hot Brock that he's responsible for finding 83 South, which is bullshit not only because they'll never see it on the road they've chosen, but because there are three people sitting in the backseat doing nothing. Maybe Hot Brock the driver has to concentrate on, you know, DRIVING. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos have found 83 South. David is still excited that they're going to a place he knows so well. He describes the location of the reflecting pool as between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument. Yes, there sure is a reflecting pool there. There's also one at the Capitol building, which you'll remember is the one the clue directed them to. Well, I'm sure the Aiellos will think to consult their clue at least once more during their 100-plus mile trip, and will catch their mistake. The Linzes find the reflecting pool they need on the map, and double-check their clue to make sure it's the right one. Imagine that. The Rogers finally figure out that something's wrong. Everyone in the backseat insists that Hot Brock has missed seeing 83 South. That's right, they have passed up their exit, and it's All! Brock's! Fault! They pull off and switch drivers again.

Commercials. I don't care if it is a commercial. No kitchen is that clean.

We're back with the Rogers family all angry at Hot Brock for missing the exit. Denny tells Brittany to consult the map (What? How would consulting a map help them figure out where they are? That makes no sense!), and she finds that they went the completely wrong way on highway 30. She says they should have listened to Hot Brock. He smiles the Smile Of I Told You So. Denny sinks to a new low: "I said go east on 30, and apparently I was wrong. One person can only do so much." Aw, poor Denny, with the weight of the world on his shoulders! Yeah, it must be tough to look at a map, choose the wrong direction, tell everyone else to figure out where they're going when you're the navigator, yell at someone for missing an exit that wasn't there, then disavow responsibility because you're just so darn busy doing absolutely nothing. Fucking asshole.

The Gaghans arrive in Washington and head straight for the incorrect reflecting pool. So much for "focus", huh Tammy? The Shroeders go to the wrong one too. The two families meet up and confidently say that clue must be around, since there are clearly no other reflecting pools in D.C. The Pink Ladies, on the other hand, took the bother to actually read their freaking clue, so they go to the Capitol building. The Weavers are on the right track too, and are first to the clue box. Boo! It tells them to search the nearby streets for a limousine. Someone in the backseat will hand them a briefcase that they have to take to the next clue box at the nearby Tidal Basin (the Jefferson Memorial). The limousine looks to be about twenty feet from the clue box, so perhaps "search the nearby streets" was a bit overdramatic, Phil. The Weavers get the case and take off. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. The Gaghans and Shroeders are still wandering around. The Shroeders ask a passerby about the reflecting pool, and he tells them about the one at the Capitol building. "We're morons!" yells Stassi. You said it, not me. They leave, but not before passing the Gaghans and miming that they have no idea where the clue box is. They're not my favorite family, but yeah. They have no obligation to help the Gaghans out.

The Paolos are running low on gas, and Marion suggests they stop and get some. She is overruled, as always. They hit the clue box in third place. At first I was wondering how on Earth they've gone from sixth to third, but then I remembered that that Gaghans, Shroeders, and Rogers have all gotten or are currently lost, so it makes sense. The Bransens are also at the wrong reflecting pool. If the Weavers need Carmen Sandiego, half these other families need Hooked On Phonics. I know that racing and navigation can be incredibly stressful things, and you might tend to get overzealous, but if I went on this show, the one thing I would make absolutely sure to do would be to read and understand the clue. Without the clue, you're...well...clueless. It amazes me how season after season people will be like "Go. Pool. D.C." and just completely ignore the clue from then on. They had a hundred miles to read it! There's just no excuse. The Aiellos (who have a member that knows D.C. like the back of his hand) also go to the wrong pool, though they manage to correct themselves pretty quickly. Still. Read! The! Fucking! Clue! The Gaghans are still lost and the Linzes go to the right pool, but one of them says "We're money!" so he's dead to me. They spot the clue box in the distance. While they're on their way there, the Shroeders find it (in fourth), so the Linzes are in fifth. The Aiellos show up in sixth, and we get another "we're morons" and another non-argument from me.

The Pink Ladies have arrived at the Tidal Basin clue box. Say what you will about them, but they're a smart bunch. The clue is the first Roadblock of the season. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to search around for someone (that Phil refers to as a "spy") carrying a briefcase identical to their own. Then they give the password, "The sky is blue." If the person they approach is a spy, they respond with "The sea is green," and briefcases are exchanged. The spy's briefcase has the next clue. There are fifty people with briefcases, and only ten spies. Also, I assume that with every team that finds a clue, there are fewer for the teams behind them to find, so that's kind of an added incentive to get there first. This is the smurfiest task this show has ever done, but it's kinda funny at the same time. Sharon takes on the task for the Pink Ladies, because the other three are so tired from...not driving. Jeez, Sharon does everything for that team. A couple of non-spies blow her off. Hee. The Weavers tell Rebecca (I think I can tell everyone apart except for two of the Bransen girls now) to turn right, but she misses the turn. They all scream at her, including Linda. I'm sure Jesus would be thrilled with the way she's screeching at her daughter. Since they're off on the wrong road, the Paolos find the Roadblock in second place. Ugh. They are really benefiting from other people's mistakes. Annoying Paolo Son (APS) takes it on. The first person he approaches doesn't respond to his password, so he concludes that the task sucks. Yeah, you failed to solve it in fifteen seconds. What a trial.

Sharon finds herself a spy. The clue says to get to Middleburg, Virginia and find Welbourne Manor (about 50 miles away). As Sharon returns, APS approaches someone and gets a "I don't know what you're talking about" in return. Hah! The Weavers find the clue, so Linda says "good job, sweetheart," because now everything is OK! Peace and love, y'all! Rebecca takes the Roadblock, probably to get away from the rest of her family. The Pink Ladies assure themselves that they're kicking ass, which is a bad way to tempt fate on this show. The guy I'm pretty sure told APS that he didn't know what he was talking about offers Rebecca a "Sorry." APS is still flailing (who would have thought he wouldn't excel at a task that involves talking to others?) when Rebecca finds her spy, but finds one of his own soon after. After the exchange, he says to the guy (who is black), "I love you, my brother." I honestly don't know if I hate him or Denny Rogers more. The Shroeders arrive, and Tony Paolo says that they shouldn't tell them anything. Like what? What information could you impart that they're not going to have in four seconds? Fucking Paolos! I'm forgetting my vow to ignore them. Let's get back on that. Mark takes the Roadblock. A non-spy blows him off, and he makes a remark about her panties being too tight. Yes, my sympathy of their Katrina losses is pretty much used up now. Hope they enjoyed it.

The Gaghans and Bransens are still wandering around at the wrong pool. You'll remember that the Gaghans were first to the shoe, and are now tied for eighth because they refuse to read the clue. Walter can't quite keep up with his girls. The Aiellos hit the Roadblock. David will take it on. The Linzes are right behind them. Nick will take it. Mark finds a spy and calls him "Pops". I'll touch back on the Paolos only because they are now out of gas and can't find a station. David and Nick are doing the stupidest thing ever, which is to ask the same person if they're a spy. What do they hope to achieve if they do find a spy? Someone carrying two briefcases? David does manage to find a spy, and Nick picks now to realize that he needs to find someone else. He runs up to a woman and says "The sky is blue." "Yes it is," she replies. Awesome.

Blood Ray: "If I were a non-spy, I'd be like 'The sea is gr.....eat this time of year.'"

The Rogers are finally in Washington, and try to get directions. The person they ask sends them to the wrong reflecting pool. Oh, dear. Denny takes this opportunity to make another crack about Hot Brock's driving, even though it's fairly clear at this point that it's all Denny's fault that they're in last. The Gaghans are still at the wrong pool, and Tammy and Bill refuse to ask anyone for help after Billy suggests they do. Oh, Bill. Good thing you're so pretty. Cause you're kind of dumb.

Commercials. If I were having lunch with Joan Cusack, I wouldn't answer my phone anyway; regardless of how many minutes I had left.

The Gaghans have been at the wrong pool for two hours. TWO! They've been there so long that the Rogers catch up with them there. The Bransens figure out they're at the wrong pool, and take off. Soon after that, the Rogers and Gaghans actually stop and read their clue. Whoopsie! They take off too. Everyone gets their briefcases. The Paolos are still looking for a gas station. The Gaghans arrive at the Roadblock and find the Linzes. Tammy takes on the Roadblock. "The sky is blue." "Beautiful, isn't it?" the non-spy cheerfully answers. Hehehe. Nick finally finds a spy. Tammy, perhaps taking the "spy" thing a little too seriously, is whispering the code phrase to people. Hehehe again. She finds her spy, and makes it back to the family before Nick does. They run for their car. Blood Ray makes a comment about "Daddy's" sweaty underpants. Hehehe yet again. After they leave, the Bransens get there (the Gaghans must have found their clue at lightning speed), and Walter takes the Roadblock. The Rogers are lost again. I believe this is the third time, so props to Uber Navigator Denny. Brittney leans out the window and asks someone for directions. The unseen person helps them, but the Rogers car never seems to go under ten miles per hour or so, so I have a hilarious vision of some poor guy running along the side of their car yelling directions into the open window.

The Paolos are lost. The other folks on the way to Middleburg hit a bad traffic jam. The Linzes consult their map and find a way around the crowded highway. I don't get them. They seem to be idiots most of the time, but manage to navigate unfamiliar highways with no trouble. Back at the Roadblock, Walter finds a spy. The Paolos and Bransens then hit the jam, and the Bransens also exit to try and find another route. The Rogers are just now getting to the Roadblock. Brittney seems to find a spy fairly quickly. The Weavers are first to Welbourne Manor. Linda manages to almost snap Rolly's fingers in the clue box. Detour! Heat of the Battle or Heat of the Night. Great, now that damn song's in my head. In Heat of the Battle, teams have to go onto a field on which a Civil War battle re-enactment is taking place, and transport five wounded soldiers on a stretcher to a medical tent. In Heat of the Night, teams have to roll an oil barrel to a work station, fill twenty lamps with the oil, then light them. When either of the tasks are done, they get a flag that they have to run down to Phil at the pit stop.

The Weavers somehow manage to walk right past the battlefield. How you miss a field with a hundred people shooting muskets at each other is beyond me. The Pink Ladies get there as well, and choose Heat of the Battle. The Weavers figure out where they need to go. The Pink Ladies grab their first soldier. Heh, I like how it totally doesn't matter which side's soldiers they rescue. They get a Confederate. The Weavers see them, and decide they'd be better at the lamps. Probably a wise choice on their part. They begin. Thanks to their master map, the Linzes get to the Detour third. They're going for the soldiers. They rescue a Union one. The Weavers are done filling lamps and take them to a bench to begin lighting them. The Shroeders, Aiellos, and Bransens (also thanks to going around the jam) all arrive at the same time. Shroeders - oil. Bransens - soldiers. Aiellos - soldiers. The Pink Ladies and Linzes are almost literally neck and neck as they cart their soldiers off. David talks about being a Marine and how close to home this battle hits. Understandable.

The Linzes are completely winded. In fact, a lot of the people who chose Heat of the Battle look wiped out. Why? If four people are carrying one person, shouldn't that be fairly easy? They finish up just after the Weavers finish their lamps. The fact that the Linzes are a little behind and completely exhausted gives the Weavers the edge they need to hit the mat first. Boo! The greeters are a Confederate and a Union soldier. Heh. Shouldn't they be shooting each other? The Weavers win a trip to Bermuda. They probably think that's in the middle of Canada. The Linz family is team number two. Jeepers. They did some good work with the map, but I have to say that they probably owe this one to a bunch of other teams making some horrible mistakes. The Pink Ladies are team three. Walter's having a lot of trouble with the soldiers. Again, what's so strenuous about this task? I must be missing something.

Commercials. To blatantly steal a joke from Friends, if I were going to see Elizabethtown, I'd need two tickets. One for me, and one for the guy holding a gun to my head.

The Bransens are still struggling. The Gaghans arrive and choose Heat of the Battle, which causes Carissa some worry. Tammy blows her off, much as she did at the beginning of the episode. Tammy needs to think less about the race and more about not being a bitch to her daughter on national television. Although, if I had a shot at a million dollars, I'd probably be a bitch too, so nevermind. As they carry soldiers, Blood Ray says something about getting fisted by Daddy. I'll never think of the Civil War the same way again. The Shroeders finish their lamps and check in as team number four. Tony is "wicked tired", but the Aiellos manage to finish carting the bodies of the people that symbolize a time when we all shot each other because some wanted to own black people. America! They're team number five, and the Bransens finish up as team number six. The Gaghans are team number seven.

The Paolos arrive and choose Heat of the Battle. The Rogers also arrive and choose the same thing. It's edited to look close, but I'd point out that we never see the Paolos and the Rogers in the same shot, so I'm betting it's not. Both teams carry. After finishing with one soldier, Denny decides that Renee (who's spoken maybe four words since the show began) can't do four more soldiers, so they're switching to the lamps. Hot Brock rips the bandana off his head in frustration. Yeah, no kidding. That is just game suicide at this point. The music tries to be all suspenseful, but come on. We know where this is going. The Paolos are, indeed, team number eight. I refuse to watch their little speech again. The Rogers arrive in last place and are eliminated. Let's get all of Denny's comments verbatim. This, in front of the family: "I made a mistake, and I led my guys in the wrong direction." Then, in an interview: "It's my responsibility to take the blame, if there's blame to be cast. The one thing that I always tried to show Brock, is you can't get to where you need to go in this life...casting stones and blaming other people for their misfortunes."

Yeah. IF there's blame to cast. You like that? That whole "Well, I don't know if it's when I told you the wrong highway, or when I told you that we passed an exit that we didn't, or when we went to the wrong reflecting pool, or when we clued in another team to the fact that they were in the wrong place, or when we got lost on the way to the Tidal Basin, or when I decided we had to switch Detours, but IF it's one of those things that caused us to be last, I guess I HAVE to shoulder some responsibility." What a fucking cockbite. And not only that, but actually chiding his son for being upset with him, when he spent the entire episode casting blame at Brock. You know, at first I gaped at Blood Ray when he said he's happy that the Rogers went home instead of the Paolos. But now I agree with him. Fuck off, Denny.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams get spun in a giant centrifuge at NASA. Maybe we can separate the Paolos into their separate components of asshole and moron. The Aiellos get their car stuck in the mud. Crap. Although I wouldn't object to seeing Matt lookin' all dirty.

Overall Grade: B-