Fly your nerd colors proudly!

Looks like there is no new episode of Project Runway this week, so I'll just tell you about my neato-completo acquisition.

I was surfing around the net, looking for more information about the show, and stumbled onto Diana's blog. She has some interesting insights into the show, and I noticed that she had some mini-buttons for purchase:

Well, I knew I had to throw in some support for my favorite contestant, so I bought one for myself and a couple to give away. There was a field for additional comments, and I wrote a little note about how I and some of my pals (I know Dallas is in Diana's cheering section as well) were rooting for her. Look what I got with my buttons:

Awesome! Looks like the next new episode won't be until January 4, so have a happy new year, all.

Team Lingerie

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 4

Previously on Project Runway: The designers created Barbie fashion. Well, some of them did. Others just seemed to throw random bits of cloth together. Marla isn't as technically proficient as some of the others, which those others gleefully told us over and over again. Kara and Lupe snarled at each other, Nick blew the judges away, Andrae continued his streak of whining, and Raymundo went wah wah wah, all the way home. Twelve designers remain. Who will be "out" tonight?

Opening credits. Aw, look how Danzzz dances around as if he's interesting in any way, shape, or form.

Atlas. Nick celebrates his Barbie win, while Santino continues to be an ungracious prick in the background. "I lost the Barbie challenge because of you!" he whines. Well, yes. Your opponent winning often does lead to you losing. Nice catch, Santino. He also interviews that he helped Nick with his design a little bit. If he's referring to the help we saw on camera, it was minimal at best. Plus, if your input is so great, how come your design didn't win? Mull it over, General Zod.

At Parsons, the designers gather at the runway for Heidi to give them their next challenge. She tells them that they will be designing lingerie. That sounds pretty challenging on its own. Kara's excited. First, let's do the weird model pick in which last week's winning model (Tarah) has a shot of being eliminated over the losing one (Allison). As with last week, if Nick chooses neither, he can pick from the pool of others, and as with last week, this is an extremely odd system. I don't think I'm a fan of it. So of course, Nick chooses Tarah, so we'll be saying good-bye to Allison for a second time, the very week she came back. That's kind of funny in a horrific, cruel way. The designers now have thirty minutes to come up with a presentation for Heidi in which they create a line of lingerie with three looks. Heidi will pick four of them to be team leaders, and the leaders will pick other designers until each team has three people. Heidi tells them this will be a test of leadership and teamwork, and there's a lingering shot on Santino. Why, whatever could that mean? Heidi tells them that the losing team leader could be cut, or perhaps the entire losing team. Unless this is going to be an extremely short season, I'm going to call bullshit on that one, Heidi. Start sketching, bitches!

Time's up! Let's see what they've got. Danzzz has the idea of a woman scorned turning her boyfriend's clothing into her lingerie. Interesting. Lupe has barely drawn anything, but managed to find time to put a few Batmanesque "POW" and "ZAP" bubbles on the sketch pad. Um, that's great, Lupe. Andrae makes literally no sense. I mean it. I have no idea what he's talking about. Chloe's idea is clothing you could wear by itself or as a top coupled with jeans to go out in public. Fascinating, but difficult to pull off, I'd think. Santino has a line inspired by Heidi, in that it's German-style. Zulema has pretty standard ideas, and Heidi gets in an awesome dig about Zulema's crappy orange dress that left Rachael's ass hanging out in the Clothes Off Your Back challenge. Zulema takes the joke gracefully. Or sycophantically. I can't really tell which. We zoom through Kara (Boudoir Babes), Nick (Asiana Nights - which looks cool - I wish he'd have gotten picked), Marla (Sweetie Pie), and Emmett (Heidi's Hollywood Honeymoon). The next designer to get some actual screentime is Diana. Yay, Diana! Her line is called Goddess, and she says it's designed to have a lot of flowing movement. Daniel's idea is a more mature line, designed for fiancees or newlyweds, rather than...I guess slutty sorority hos. He says he thought of Heidi as he designed. There's a hilarious music cue of porn jazz. In unrelated news, there are a lot of closeups on Heidi during this segment, and damn, she's pretty.

The designers gather in the workroom. The team leaders will be Danzzz, Daniel, Diana, and Santino. Santino interviews that he's a good communicator because he's "focused, and knows what [he's] trying to achieve." What the hell does that have to do with being a good communicator? Good communication is about the ability to read other people, the ability to listen, and the ability to mold your language and mannerisms in a way that other people can relate to. In short, abilities that Santino demonstrably lacks. I don't mind him being impressed with himself, as long as he's impressed with himself about the right things. I wouldn't trust him to communicate my order at the Lion's Choice drive-thru. Chloe interviews that she didn't want to be a team leader anyway, because it'd be sticking her neck out. She's got a point, but she still manages to say it in such a way that every grape in a ten-mile radius goes instantly sour.

Tim pulls names to see who gets to pick first. It's Danzzz. He chooses Andrae. Ugh. In what universe should Andrae be picked first for anything? Daniel chooses Chloe. Santino takes Nick. Diana takes Lupe. Danzzz gets Zulema. Daniel takes Kara. Zulema interviews that Emmett and Marla are the last two because "A, they can't pattern make. Two, they're not the best sewers." Way to construct a sentence, Zulema. Maybe smarming about other people's lack of talent would have more punch if you weren't such a goddamn moron. Santino takes Emmett, and that leaves poor, piled-on Marla to be shuffled off to Diana. Marla takes this abuse, as she's taken all abuse, with gentle good humor. I like Marla. Also, note that Danzzz's team has the two biggest whiners on the show, Andrae and Zulema. I'll bet that means we'll be seeing tons of blowout scenes from that quarter. Unless, you know, Danzzz's complete boringness covers the entire team like a blanket. But that'll never happen!

The teams chat about their ideas. Emmett makes an interesting point in an interview about how Santino is very hands-on in his design, so he's wondering how the delegation of work will be handled. My guess? Poorly. Diana chats with her team, and Santino turns to Emmett and says "I think the three of them [that'd be Diana, Marla, and Lupe -- Limecrete] are so fucking lame. They haven't had sex in their life." Well, to borrow from Zulema: A) since Marla is apparently a virgin, one wonders where her son came from, and 2) unless Diana, Marla, and Lupe share one life, we've got another case of someone trying to make fun of someone else, and failing miserably because they can't speak English for shit. Here's a hint to all you would-be shit-stirrers out there. In order to denigrate someone, you have to appear superior. If you trip over your native language, you don't appear superior. You appear stupid, so the joke is turned back onto your dumb ass. Also, perhaps Santino, not quite being pinup material himself, should back off of the insults about appearance. Unless frizzy, receding hairlines are the style these days, and nobody bothered to tell me. And if that's the case? Please continue not bothering to tell me. Meanwhile, Daniel tries to explain his ideas to Kara and Chloe, and that stealth bitch we've been seeing develop in Chloe is no longer so stealthy. Before he can even fully explain his ideas, she's jumping down his throat about time constraints. At this point, I'm giving her a pass, because she's right about Daniel being over-ambitious. It's just that Chloe has this way of saying completely true things, but saying them in a tone a voice that kind of makes me want to punch her. It's an unsettling feeling.

As the commercials play, let's consider that we've seen Santino's team questioning how his leadership will go, Diana's team being attacked, and Daniel's team carping. Danzzz's team? Nowhere to be seen. But I'm sure that gigantic meltdown is just around the corner! When we return, it's time to go shopping. The teams get $200 and thirty minutes to shop, and will have until midnight to finish working. The shopping goes how you'd expect. Diana's team is really laid back, Daniel's team has problems with the time limits, Santino's team is crushed under his micro-management, and Danzzz's team is hardly shown at all.

Back in the workroom, Chloe and Kara continue interrupting Daniel by outlining several reasons why they won't have time to do what he's asking them to. I really do understand that they're nervous that they won't finish on time. Daniel certainly has that track record. But I feel like it's getting to the point where they're not refusing to do unnecessary tasks. They're refusing to listen to him at all, and that's not cool. Zulema interviews that Danzzz likes to get other people's input. Translation: Danzzz agreed with everything Zulema said (on the surface), so that she'd shut the hell up. I'll bet Danzzz is a really nice person with a calm demeanor, and that I'd probably like him a lot in real life. It just doesn't translate into compelling television. I don't want to watch twelve assholes, of course, but there has to be some kind of spark. Santino bristles at Emmett because...does it really matter? I'm sure he would have bristled over Emmett's eyebrows if there was nothing else to complain about. Emmett does seem to have some difficulty with the sewing, while Nick hangs around in the background and predicts that the outfits are going to look campy. Lederhosen lingerie? Campy? No way.

Lupe feels like Diana may be a little too conceptual in her thinking, whatever that means. In Daniel's corner, it's progressed to the point where he can hardly get a word in edgewise over Kara and Chloe's whining complaints. I almost think that's what's holding them up, rather than Daniel's perfectionism. Danzzz and Andrae agree on some design choice, and Danzzz finally gets a good line in as he says, "Isn't it weird how we keep finishing each other's...." and he and Andrae say "sentences" at the same time. Hmm. It was funnier on the show than typed out. And see? If they'd show that side of Danzzz more often, we'd be in business. Quick cuts of frantic work all over the workroom. With an hour and a half left, Tim drops in. He offers his wonderfully no-nonsense criticisms, though I don't necessarily agree with all of them. He's concerned Diana's look is too gimmicky, and renders her speechless. Lupe interviews that Diana needs to learn to communicate better. This from a woman who has daily fights about what bed she's sleeping in. Nick chats with Tim about Santino's design. I have yet to see Nick do a single iota of work. Tim tells Daniel that his outfits are looking "Joan Collins". "That bad?" Daniel asks. Ouch. Somewhere, Joan Collins is sobbing into her pillow and throwing back a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Tim, Kara, and Chloe rip Daniel for designing without adhering to a deadline. OK, we get the Daniel-has-trouble-meeting-deadlines motif, thanks.

More frantic work. Chloe threatens to kill Daniel. "Kill me after the challenge, please," he responds. Nice! Get back to work, Whiny McGee! As time starts to run out, Emmett asks Santino what he wants on the bustier. Santino, the Great Communicator: "Just...dude, I don't care at this point. Just finish it." Let's all stand in awe at his leadership. He interviews that Emmett is dead weight, and when he sees that Emmett's garment hasn't progressed as much as he'd like, starts to heave and almost bursts out crying. Yeah, whenever I'm behind in one of my projects, I find it's best to have a boss that throws infantile tantrums. That'll get the work done. Tim kicks everyone out of the workroom, as Emmett gives Santino a pep talk he doesn't deserve about how Emmett and Nick have got Santino's back. Let's take a commercial break to guess how Santino will repay Emmett for this kindness.

Day Two. Tim rips everyone a new one, saying that he could see any of the collections in their current state as being the worst. They have an hour before the models arrive. Kara snaps at Daniel to make decisions. Why should he? Every decision he's made has been met with a howl of protest. Santino adds embellishment after embellishment to his outfits, which Nick interviews as looking tacky. Hoo boy, is he right. Chloe and Kara continue to obsess over Daniel. Kara has a feeling that it's going to be team elimination (which...not), and is understandably upset over the possibility that Daniel's problem with deadlines could get her kicked off. She threatens in an interview to "cut off [his] pee-pee". I think she meant that as a joke. I hope she meant that as a joke. Plus, "pee-pee"? Chloe interviews that if she's called upon to defend their crappy outfits, she's laying the blame squarely on Daniel. Again, understandable, but how about a bit more energy put towards finishing the lingerie and a bit less put towards planning your defensive speeches? I'm trying to be objective, because it does look like it would be hell on Earth to work under Daniel. I just wish they would attempt to support him a bit more. I guess it's because he's really nice, so I hate to see people snipe at him. He interviews that although the girls don't trust his time management, they do trust in the design, and that he'll take the responsibility if the judges don't like it. Aw.

The models arrive. Pixelized boobs everywhere! Cara (the model) refuses to wear one of Diana's outfits, calling it "inappropriate". There's a lot we could say about this, but let's give Diana the first shot. "I feel like you just can't be that picky if you're a model, because your job is to achieve different looks, and if you don't want to do that, then you should probably get a different job." Yes! Thank you! Cara's not the client in this case. She doesn't get a say in what's "appropriate" (which...it's lingerie - what does she want, a schoolmarm outfit?). It's like she works at a slaughterhouse, but refuses to kill any of the cows, because she's in PETA. Cara, I'm sorry if it sounds demeaning, but you're a three-dimensional clothes hanger. Shut up and walk. Marla confides to Diana that this is not the first time she's had to deal with Cara's fits of pique. Cara sucks. Santino tells the makeup people to give the models deer-like faces. Well, actually he says "I want the three girls to look like deers in the face." I just translated into English. Diana interviews that they had to make Cara a gigantic one-piece lingerie outfit so that she'd feel more comfortable. That is complete bullshit. Nick interviews that Diana's outfits look weak. I'm going to allow myself some bias as I tell Nick that he may want to start putting some salt on those words. Good God, I just saw Shannon's ass. This episode is naughty! Tim tells everyone that time's up.

Commercials. Runway time. The judges are Nina Garcia, Cynthia Rowley (a fashion designer), and Alessandra Ambrosio (a Victoria's Secret model - with a really fake name). Let's kick it! We start with Diana's outfits. They're not impressive. Ugly Eliza has a strappy black bikini with a swath of acid green fabric going from the neck down through the hip line and out. Fucking Cara not only looks dumb because of the one-piece garment, but has a terrible runway walk. Someone kick this bitch out! Lesley actually looks pretty good. Another strappy black bikini, but this has wings of periwinkle material starting just above the elbow and making flowing sleeves that billow behind her. Santino's line. Feh. First is Tarah, wearing a white dress that foofs up around her boobs, which are covered by a dark green material. This is the first time that Tarah's looked bad. Shannon looks like a tray of cupcakes exploded all over her. Heather looks even worse. Emmett voices-over that Santino embellished to the point where sexy turned into vaudeville. He's right. Nina makes a disgusted face. Santino voices-over that he could tell that judges weren't amused and "just didn't get it." See that? Not that they don't like it. Not that they have a difference of opinion. No, the only possible way for someone to dislike Santino's creation is if they're not sophisticated enough to understand it. Gotcha.

Danzzz's line. Just like everything else he's done, his outfits are competent, but unremarkable. Rebecca is just wearing a simple black bustier and miniskirt, with shirt cuffs at the wrist. Rachael has on...yawn...another black garment with a brown fabric wrapped around the middle and a necktie. Danyelle has a black bikini on and another pair of those shirt cuffs. Daniel's line. I know I've been taking up for him this whole episode, but I really hate the black lace fabric he's chosen. Claudia, Eden, and Grace are modeling, and they all have the same ugly fabric, though it's cut into different designs. Oh, and by the way, I can totally see all of their nipples. Are we sure this is basic cable? I didn't wander onto Skinemax, did I? The judges tally their scores, and the designers step onto the runway. Danzzz's team is asked to step forward, and is then told that they have won the challenge. Fair enough. They celebrate. I thank Danzzz for keeping Andrae and Zulema pretty much off my TV this week. They leave the runway, and Santino rolls his eyes. Dude, look at the shit you made. I know you're egotistical, but you're not delusional too, are you? Diana's team steps forward and is safe as well. Whew. Although this means we can't reasonably expect to get rid of Cara anytime soon. Crap.

Santino's team and Daniel's team have the lowest scores. The models emerge. Nina tells Santino that she's disappointed. "Oh, really?" he snots. She and Heidi give very apt criticisms that there's simply too much going on with the outfits, and so they appear unfocused. Cynthia tries to soften the blow by saying that if they combined certain pieces with other (read: more attractive) pieces, then it might look better. Santino says that's not what he was trying to do, and Nina responds that it's not a question of vision - it's just that Santino's pieces are "aesthetically not pleasing". You know, I find myself agreeing with Nina an awful lot. She and I need to go get some coffee or something. Santino argues back with "lingerie is supposed to be sexy and is supposed to come off!" So he's arguing that he deliberately designed something ugly so that people couldn't wait to get out of it? I'm sure the judges will totally buy that. If they've been struck on their heads with bricks in the past two seconds. He and Nina fight some more about if he's copying other designers (which doesn't really matter...ugly is ugly). Emmett and Nick look really embarrassed. The judges ask Nick what he thinks, and he employs the artful euphemism that he "understood Santino's vision". Emmett is asked if he felt the line was too much, and he answers yes. They ask Santino to choose who would be kicked off if he had a choice, and he of course picks Emmett, throwing in some unnecessary jibes about Emmett's style. Nick also chooses Emmett. Emmett chooses Santino, saying that he should take responsibility for his line rather than trying to spread blame around.

OK, now let's eviscerate Daniel. Alessandra feels the outfits are designed for older women. So? Women Of A Certain Age aren't allowed to wear lingerie now? Nina feels the three outfits are too similar. I don't quite understand that, because I thought similarity is what a "line" of clothing is all about. Chloe, not even asked a question, spits out that she had to follow Daniel's vision. Well, nobody's asking you about the design, so shut up. That was just gratuitous ass-covering, and was really unattractive on Chloe's part. Kara gets in on the act, calling Daniel headstrong. Heidi asks Daniel who he'd choose to kick off, and he does just what he said he'd do, taking responsibility for the design himself, even after Chloe and Kara just stabbed him in the...well, not even back. They stabbed him in the front. He cries a bit. That was extremely classy, not only because it's the right thing to do, but because it makes Santino look like even more of an asshole, which is awesome. The designers leave the runway. Deliberations. Santino's line is too costumey and he's a coward for trying to pin blame on Emmett. Nina hates Santino so much. Daniel's line was not creative enough, but he owned up to his responsibility.

This week's fun trivia tidbit to avoid tiresome, repetitive show dialogue: Apparently, if you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will continuously float up and down in the glass. I haven't tried it, but it sounds intriguing. Give it a whirl on New Year's Eve. Amaze your friends.

Time for the elimination. Kara is in. Chloe is in. Nick is in. Emmett is in. Only the leaders are left, which makes sense. Now, if we look at this objectively, the choice seems fairly obvious. Santino made a hideous line, refused to accept responsibility for his actions, is unable to accept constructive criticism from the judges, and is an overall pain in the ass. Daniel made a line that wasn't to the judges' tastes, but at least looked wearable and sellable. He accepted the fact that his design choices were his responsibility, seems willing to evolve as a designer, and is an overall nice person. Clearly, Daniel should be in. But reality television isn't about reality at all. This isn't a merit-based competition, no matter how much they'd like us to believe it is. Nice guys aren't as much fun to watch as bratty jerks who throw snotty fits (according to the producers, not me). If Santino were to get eliminated, who would get our blood riled up week after week? I have no doubt that the judges dearly wished to eliminate Santino, but the producers intervened, and so poor Daniel is cut instead. Sigh.

Heidi states outright that she wishes Daniel could have stayed longer, and he even gets a nice sendoff from Tim backstage. Yeah, the judges really didn't want to do this. Chloe is crying and talking about what a great person Daniel is. Yeah, so great you threatened to kill him and unprovokedly attacked him on the runway. Nice try, princess. Daniel interviews that he doesn't regret coming back, and he feels he's been redeemed from the first season. He talks about how he hopes he's demonstrated respect and dignity as a designer. He's a peach. I hope he lands on his feet.

Next time on Project Runway: The designers will be creating a potty dress? Oh, I'm sorry, that's a party dress. The dress will be for a socialite. Oh, so a total waste of oxygen. Lupe thinks her dress looks like crap. Danzzz is stressed. Tim doesn't want Marla to be a copycat. Zulema pitches a fit about someone who took a form. The designers strut their stuff at a party. Man, they all have better runway walks than Cara. Fucking Cara.

Closing disclaimer: The judges considered both their scores and input from the Producers [Why is that capitalized? Don't the producers look like big enough assholes as it is this week? -- Limecrete] and Bravo in reaching their elimination decisions.

Overall Grade: B-

All Dolled Up

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 3

Previously on Project Runway: The designers took the very clothes they were wearing to create their next look. Andrae's ratty old clothes were apparently more symbolic than Moby Dick, while Santino described his drive and ego as "competing against [himself]". Well, then I'm sure he won't engage in any completely unnecessary attacks against designers who have never done him any harm. Zulema "never cuts unless [she's] certain", but forgot to add "that my haste will wind up leaving my model's ass hanging in the wind". Andrae cried like someone had just run over his puppy. Chloe won the challenge, which Santino failed to understand in his little world where only Santino wins things. Despite Andrae's mental breakdown over his fugly dress, Kirsten went bye-bye. Damn. Thirteen designers remain. Who will be "out" tonight?

Opening credits. Zulema will do "whatever it takes to win." I wasn't aware being a cantankerous bitch was a prerequisite for victory in fashion competitions. I'll make a note of it.

At the Atlas, Diana tries to get Chloe up and out of bed. Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey! As Chloe interviews that winning the previous challenge was a nice validation, we see Kirsten's good-bye note on the blackboard, with little cartoon sketches of her, Diana, and Chloe. Aw. Chloe takes this moment to remember Kirsten fondly by saying she deserved her elimination. Really? Over Andrae? OK, Chloe. Meanwhile, in the Room From Hell, Kara tells Guadalupe (hereinafter Lupe) that she thinks they need to switch rooms around. Lupe non-sequiturs that Kara has a lot of nervous tension. What's funny is that she says, "You just have a lot of nervous tension, and like it's, it's, it's, exuuuuding out, and I don't think you're handling things in a way that's appropriate." You know how that sounded, Lupe? Nervous and tense. Kara says as much, saying that Lupe is projecting her own tension onto Kara. Lupe: "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'VE BEEN A NERVOUS WRECK!?!?!?!?" Well...yes, dear. Travel back in time 4 milliseconds if you don't believe me. Lupe's such an ass. Plus, where did that whole fight come from? I pity poor Marla having to live in that room.

In another room, Santino is making fun of Andrae for crying on the runway, as well he should. Andrae seems to take it in stride, which is nice, but ruins anything he had going for him by interviewing that he doesn't want to cry on the runway, because it makes him appear weak. No, what it makes him appear as is a drama queen. The judges don't care that you feel strongly about your clothing. The judges care that you can't make a simple statement without going on and on about how your jacket has such meaning because it reminds you of your Aunt Tillie or whatever. He truly doesn't get it. Nick says something weird about fags taking a long time to get ready. Maybe you, princess. This fag can get up and out the door in twenty minutes if need be.

The designers gather at the runway, and Heidi comes out to greet them. She tells them their next challenge is going to be to design an outfit for a very important fashion icon. Tim Gunn will take them to meet her. Time to choose models! Now, this is very weird. They bring out the winning (Grace) and losing (Melissa) designer's model, and have Chloe choose between them. If she chooses Grace, Melissa is eliminated. Fair enough. If she chooses neither model, all of the others come out, and Chloe will pick from them. Also fair enough. But does this mean that if Chloe picks Melissa, that Grace is eliminated? Even after she won the last challenge for Chloe? That seems odd and unfair. It's never explicitly stated that things would work that way, but it seems to be implied. Disturbing. Chloe picks Grace, thank goodness. Bye, Melissa! Heidi takes off. The designers debate in the workroom about who the icon is going to be. Tim enters and tells them that he's taking them to the icon's house. Off they go! They walk down the street. Andrae runs into a cloud of pigeons because nobody's paying attention to him. They wind up in Times Square. Nick despairs that he should have worn a better outfit. Why, so he can impress the hookers? Tim tells them they'll be going into Toys R Us. Oooh, I know who the icon is now! Pick me! The designers still haven't caught the snap, but their doubts are removed as they approach the section devoted to Barbie.

Tim introduces everyone to Lily, a designer with Mattel. She has wonky teeth. She tells them they'll be working with "My Scene" Barbie, which is apparently different from regular Barbie in that she's for an older girl who "aspires to be a teenager." How do you "aspire" to be a teenager? You just become one. It's not really something you accomplish. Anyway, the point is that these Barbies are Mattel's answer to Bratz. My answer to Bratz is "fuck off". God, I hate those things.

So the challenge is to design a life-sized outfit that captures the spirit of this Barbie as a hip-happenin' trendsetter. Everyone's excited. Tim tells them that there are thirteen actual Barbies set there, one for each designer, and that it will act as their muse. Since all the Barbies already embody something Barbieish, it of course makes no difference which doll winds up with which designer, not that they understand this. Everyone makes a mad, grabbing dash for the dolls. Only Chloe realizes that the final design is about a general Barbie ideal, not about the individual doll. Tim confirms this back at the workroom. He realizes that Kara isn't present. Where is she? She's back at Toys R Us, trying to track down her Barbie's hat, which has fallen down the side of the escalator. Oh, for God's sake. Designers have imagination. Just picture a hat on her! I'm doing it right now, and I'm about as creative as a lima bean! Kara hassles various workers to extricate her stupid doll's stupid hat from the stupid escalator. I'd have told her to just go back to the Barbie section and switch her doll for one with a damn hat, but no. People are frantically trying to retrieve the fucking thing. Kara's nuts. I'm still on her side about the whole Lupe thing, though.

After the commercials, Tim tells everyone (except the still absent Kara) that they have thirty minutes to sketch their design before they go shopping for supplies. People discuss various ideas. Emmett robotically interviews that he wants his outfit to be "frivolous". I kind of want to prick Emmett with a safety pin, just to prove he's human, so I'm not sure he could capture frivolity if his life (or whatever the android equivalent is) depended on it. Raymundo interviews that he's sick of little girls trying to be more grown up than they are, so his idea is for the doll to look like she's imitating her mother. OK, I totally agree with him on the sexualization of little girls these days, and how gross it is. I don't want to appear unsympathetic to his point of view. But wow, is he ever picking the polar opposite of what the challenge is. Lily specifically told the designers that "My Scene" Barbie is a hip, trendsetting, pre-teen. Raymundo is completely ignoring that description. Bad move.

Kara finally gets her stupid hat and goes back to the workroom. She doesn't have as much time to sketch as the others, but manages to get some ideas down. Everyone heads to the fabric store with $150 for supplies. Tim tells Andrae he looks a little "disabled" by choosing swatches. Andrae's response represents everything that's obnoxious about him: He says that he's overwhelmed, that there are a lot of choices, and that "not only do I have to pull this together in 45 minutes, but I have to assess what's there." See that? See how he took the statement "I am shopping for fabric" and dressed it up as this gigantic ordeal so that people would feel sorry for him? See how he tries to complicate the simplest of tasks? I hate people like that with a fiery passion. I'm going to have to work extra hard to judge Andrae's outfits with objectivity, not only because I'm tainted by my own bias against him, but because I'm quite confident that he will never be able to offer a simple explanation of his design motives. Um...so anyway, people buy fabric! Kara is flustery and the last one finished, of course. She is such a flake. How come she's not bothering me as much as Andrae? It must be the accent.

Back in the workroom, everyone starts on their garments. Nick says his Barbie is giving him a kind of Telemundo vibe. OK, then. Chloe says that every girl likes pink. I'm glad she threw that "girl" qualifier in there, because ew. Diana has found a very pretty red fabric with circular holes in it. She's creating a dress with a large hood that can be pulled down and styled as a collar. That's so cool! I love Diana. Santino's got a lot of beautiful blue and purple fabric swirling around. He says that he feels like a failure if he's not the best. OK, there's driven, and there's setting yourself up for a very disappointing life. Dial it back a bit, dude. Diana suggests to Daniel that he simplify his dress so he doesn't run out of time. Nick's advising Marla on her dress, while Chloe offers unhelpful comments like "It won't be pretty there, Marla. It'll just show you're not good at draping." Wow, bitch. Marla takes it with a grain of salt, because she knows it's true. She's nervous because she's self-taught, and thus not as trained and experienced as the other designers. Chloe interviews that you don't belong in the competition if you don't know how to put a garment together. Ouch again. At least this time it was in an interview and not to Marla's face. Chloe does make up for it some as she gives Marla a quick and dirty lesson. In news completely unrelated to her skill as a designer, Marla sure is pretty.

With two and half hours left in the day, Tim checks in. Raymundo shows him the burlap-type fabric that he's making the jacket out of. It's ugly. Tim expresses his concern about it. Raymundo again misses the point of the challenge by saying that little girls shouldn't try to look so grown up. Yes, but you're not the client, Raymundo. Sigh. Chloe's got a pink dress with holes cut through it, which she says she's going to skimp up to make it look more youthful (see, Raymundo?), and run some hot pink ribbon through it. Tim tells Marla she's got potential, but the dress isn't up to snuff. He takes his leave with an hour and fifteen minutes left in the day. If he's leaving, who kicks the designers out on time? You know Daniel would design all night if you let him.

Commercials. The designers return to the workroom for Day 2, in which they have ten hours. That's quite a bit longer than the usual Day 2. Lily is there, and tells them that she'd like the designers to replicate their design in miniature for the dolls they have. Oh, that explains some of the extra time. Also, there's an actual prize for winning this challenge, which is nice. The winning design will be sold in limited quantities with the designer's name and picture on the box. Very cool. Raymundo's excited about the prize. Not to be overly cruel, but let's not get our hopes up for winning this one, Raymundo. Lily leaves, and everyone gets to work. Marla's frustrated about the time taken away from her main outfit that she has to work on the miniature. Understandable, but since Day 2 is five times longer than usual, one hopes she can manage.

In the sewing room, Santino trashes Marla to other designers in the room. What is with this vitriol against Marla? I get that she's not as talented as some of these other people, but does that really necessitate the constant ragging on her? Cripes. Marla enters soon after, and messes up something on a sewing machine. OK, we get it. Marla's not technically proficient. Consider it gotten. In the other room, Daniel works on a lovely red and black dress that looks absolutely nothing like what a pre-teen would wear. A woman in Daniel's dress would be ready to host a cocktail party. Why don't some of these designers understand the challenge? It seems perfectly clear cut. We also see that Daniel likes to make a change, walk a few feet away, look at the dress, and walk back, which the other designers note as the Daniel Franco Shuffle. Chloe shrugs it off, saying whatever works for him is fine. Danzzz interviews that Daniel should be able to make a change and move on. Hope you enjoyed that snippet of Danzzz, since that's the first and last we'll hear from him this episode, aside from a "What's up, Tim?". What a snoozer.

Tim comes back when there are a few hours left. He compliments Nick, and explicitly tells Raymundo that his outfit looks too grown up, and that he should resolve that. I heave another great sigh for Raymundo, because he just doesn't understand. Kara gets praise from Tim, though he tells her to lose the doofy trim at the neckline (good idea), while Andrae gets a "wow" for his poofy, ballooned skirt. Tim pulls Andrae aside and tells him that he was concerned about his behavior on the runway in the last challenge. I'm glad to see him being admonished rather than encouraged, like you know he would be if he were being counseled by Tyra. Tim nails it when he tells Andrae that his emotional outburst seemed like a contrivance. Ten bucks says Andrae has absolutely no idea what "contrivance" means. I'm backed up by the fact that Andrae repeats that he doesn't want to appear vulnerable by crying. Oh, there goes Tim's point, down the drain. Seriously, Andrae. Look up "contrivance". Actually, here. I'll save you the trouble. Andrae completely dismisses Tim's advice, because he's a dumbass. Everyone wraps up their work for the day.

In the evening, Santino takes the opportunity to brag about how much better he is than everyone else. Charming. Santino and Nick indulge in more trashing of Marla. Good Lord, leave the poor woman alone. Danzzz smirks in the background, but doesn't say anything, of course. Morning. Nervous designers. In the workroom, Tim tells them they have two hours to finish, including getting their models ready. He also tells them that there are thirteen long, blond Barbie-like wigs for them to give the models. He strongly encourages them to make use of them. There's a shot of Andrae, and you can actually see Tim's advice going in one ear and out the other. Uncanny. Raymundo tells his model that the jacket is the focus of the outfit. Why do I feel the need to insert a world-weary sigh every time Raymundo opens his mouth? Daniel sends Claudia off to take care of her own hair and makeup so he can finish the dress. He truly is awful with time constraints. Marla dresses her model. Santino slags her some more. SHUT UP, ASS.

Daniel's hem falls out because he used elastic thread. Was that the point of the earlier scene with Marla at the sewing machine? Did she cause this somehow? I'm not really sure. Claudia tries to reassure Daniel, telling him he has a little over an hour still. She's sweet. Various models get dressed. Rachael has an expression that looks like she's serving three consecutive life sentences. Well, she's stuck with Zulema, so I don't blame her. Andrae deliberately decides to leave the blond wig off Danyelle, apparently because she's black. Cause, you know, Tarah isn't. He dares a judge to criticize him for it. I think he'll get his wish. Loser. Daniel rushes up to sew Claudia into the dress. Time runs out on him before he can close the side. Uh, oh.

Commercials. When we return, it's showtime. Recap of everything we're heard a hundred times about this challenge. The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and guest judge Lily Martinez. Diana's Barbie is sitting on her shoulder, looking for all the world like a little angel or devil that whispers advice into her ear. It's way more hilarious than it would be on any other designer. Heather, in Santino's dress, is first. I'm starting to hate Santino more and more, which is why it irks me a bit to admit that this dress rocks. It's an iridescent shade of purple with frills at the skirt and bows at the back and feet. Beautiful. Damn. Lupe's dress isn't bad, but I can't get over how ugly Eliza is. Can anyone be a model these days? Apparently so. The dress is green with a pink rose at the (non-existent) chest, pink and gold accents at the calf, and a tan shawl. Not too bad, but nothing exciting either. Chloe's dress is another winner. Grace comes out in a light pink dress that swoops out at the bottom to form a sort of bell, and the underside of the bell is hot pink. The holes cut through the dress give it a very neat flair.

As good as the dresses as Santino and Chloe made, Nick's is exponentially better. Tarah looks amazing. She's got an apple green top that is bunched vertically at the boobs and horizontally on the stomach. There's a multi-colored print for the multi-layered skirt that has the exact same shade of green in it, with a matching head scarf. I think it's the prettiest dress I've seen in the entire competition so far. You'll note that Tarah is wearing a blond wig. Rebecca clomps down the runway in Danzzz's dress and an ugly pair of boots. I like the plum color of his dress, but beyond that, it's unremarkable as always. I almost wish he'd design something ugly so at least there'd be something to say about it. Rachael appears in Zulema's dress, carrying a tiny little Barbie purse. Heh. OK, that's pretty amusing. The dress is fine, though again, looks nothing remotely like what a pre-teen girl would wear. It's all shimmering silver, with various bunches and panels put in to make it interesting. Still, no wonder Heidi has to explain the challenge forty times. A bunch of people seemingly never listen to her.

Eden comes down the runway in Kara's dress. It's got a striped top in two shades of pink, and is one of the few dresses we see that has sleeves on it. There's a denim skirt with a wide strip of fringe at the bottom, and a kicky little hat, which Kara seems to like including. I don't care that much for the outfit overall, but it looks exactly like what a Barbie would wear, so one point for Kara actually understanding what's expected of her, Raymundo. Shannon is wearing Emmett's dress, and I like it a lot more than I expected. She's very Cinderellaish in pale blue with dots as the accent, flowing sleeves, and a tiara to cap it off. Emmett grins as she struts her stuff. Huh, maybe he's human after all. Cara is wearing Marla's dress. This girl walks for shit. What is up with some of these models? I'm certainly not privy to their trials and tribulations, but isn't the ability to walk down a runway, like, Day One at model school? I'm not a big fan of the dress. It looks a little busy to me, though I see no evidence of the technical difficulties Marla was having. It's just not to my tastes. The neckline at the back is particularly ugly.

Speaking of ugly, Allison comes out in Raymundo's dress. It is hideous. Even if he weren't ignoring the challenge, this dress would suck. The dress is white, with a housefrau pattern on the front, and the side panels are a bright orange. The jacket is tan burlap with oversized buttons. Just as Nick's was the loveliest I've seen yet in this competition, Raymundo's is the worst. Danyelle appears sans wig in Andrae's dress. It's not as bad as I first thought. I don't know about that poofy skirt, but I like the hooded top. Plus, Danyelle is just so pretty. Lesley appears in Diana's garment, with the hood up. The red fabric with the holes is great, and the skirt is black panels trimmed with gold. Let's just ignore another set of ugly, furry boots. What is up with those? At the end of the runway, Lesley pulls down the hood into a collar. Awesome. If that were on a Barbie, little girls would never tire of switching back and forth between the two. Claudia is in Daniel's dress. It's still not appropriate to the challenge, but it's pretty. What's interesting is that Claudia keeps her hands clamped to her hips at all times, hiding the open seam. Smart girl.

The judges tabulate their scores, and the designers step onto the runway. Step forward when called. Lupe. Danzzz. Zulema. Emmett. Diana. Daniel. If your name has been called, you're safe. Congratulations. The remaining six have the highest and lowest scores. Wait, six and six is twelve. Who's missing? I rewound three times before I realized that at some point, they must have called Chloe safe and sent her off, but never showed it. Weird. The models join the remaining designers.

Santino is given excellent reviews. Lily asks Andrae why he didn't use the wig. Looks like they're taking you up on the dare, Andrae. Let's see how you handle it. He says that he feels the wig would distract from the dress because it so obviously doesn't match his model's real hair. OK, I can buy that. Michael says that the absence of the wig was more distracting than its presence would have been. OK, I can buy that, too. Andrae spews some, you guessed it, overcomplicated claptrap about how "My Scene" Barbie embodies individualism (which...no, she doesn't), and he wanted to honor that, and blah blah blah. Just give a straight answer! Michael tells him he reads too much into everything. I am in love with Michael for a fraction of a second. Andrae basically tells the judges that they're stupid idiots because they don't like his dress. Cut him, judges! Cut him! Kara is told that her dress looks a little too young and not grown-up enough for this particular doll, though they do like it overall. Fair enough. Nick's dress gets universal praise. There's a lingering shot on Santino "Second Place Is Just A Fancy Term For Loser" Rice. Get used to it, jerk. You're not the only one with talent around here. Raymundo refers to his dress as something a surfer girl would wear. Jiggety huh? There is not a single piece to this outfit that even remotely suggests such a thing. The judges say that the dress looks like something Barbie's mother would wear (yeah, if Barbie's mother were Helen Keller), and that there's nothing girly about the outfit. Bingo. I'd say listen to Tim next time, Raymundo, if I thought there was going to be a next time. The judges criticize Marla for picking a cranberry color, saying that it's too matronly. That's seriously the only bad thing they say about it.

Deliberations. Hooray for Nick. Hooray for Santino. Backstage, Nick does a very smart thing and suggests that the judges give the prize to Santino. Santino couldn't be more delighted as Nick feeds his ego. Yep, pretending that they're the best thing since aerosol cheese is sometimes the only way to handle raging narcissists. Good on you, Nick. Back with the judges, they say Kara's was nice, but unimaginative. They still hate Andrae. Then cut him! Do it! Raymundo's was a complete mess. Marla should have picked a different color. The designers come back out. Instead of this tiresome dance wherein Heidi explains the entire concept of the show a billion times on either side of a commercial break, I'll use this time to share a neat little trivia fact that will brighten your day. According to Dr. Lazarus, if you put a few Mentos in a two-liter bottle of soda, it'll explode. Try it out!

Andrae is in. Boo! He flounces off. Santino is told that they loved his work. "No, you didn't!" he crows, fully expecting the next words out of Heidi's mouth to be "and you're the winner." He gets a "you're in" instead. The look of shock and anguish on his face will keep me warm for months to come. Nick is winner. Yay! His dress was perfect for this challenge. As when Chloe won, Santino doesn't congratulate Nick. He just sulks in the corner. So, he's won one out of three challenges. I hope a stunning 33% will knock some of the smarm out of him. I'm doubtful. Kara is in. So the bottom two are Marla and Raymundo? When all the judges could say about Marla's dress is that the color was wrong? I'm calling bullshit. Still, the right choice is made, and Raymundo is sent packing. He hugs everyone backstage. He interviews that he's young and has balls of steel. Classy. Hey, I'll bet that's what reversed the polarity of Diana's magnets!

Next week on Project Runway: The designers will be designing lingerie, and there will be "team leaders", so you know somebody won't be able to take orders or criticism. Santino hates Emmett. Kara hates Daniel. Santino hates the judges. I have the feeling Santino hates everyone who isn't named Santino.

Overall Grade: B

Clothes Off Your Back

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 2

Previously on Project Runway: Sixteen wannabe fashion designers came to New York, and two mysteriously vanished into the ether. Fourteen remain. Who will be "out" tonight?

Why is Saturn the company that's giving away the hundred-thousand-dollar contract? Now, I own a Saturn that I love dearly, and the people who work there couldn't be nicer, but what the hell do their cars have to do with the fashion industry? Whatever. At least it's not an annoying company.

Heidi tells the designers that they're going to be attending a party so that they can meet and mingle, and that Tim Gunn will explain their next challenge there. They all seem delighted. First, everyone needs to pick a model. There are still sixteen, so we need to cut two of these fine ladies. The model paired with the eventual winner of the show will get a fashion spread in Elle, so it's kind of a competition for them too, though the only thing they have to do in this competition is not trip over their own feet or be a flaky twit. Heidi reiterates that two models will be out. Grace makes a fake little pouty lip at this news. I think Grace may be my favorite model, personality wise. She seems cool. That, or I just haven't seen any personality out of the other girls. Santino won the first challenge, so he gets first pick. He gets Heather. The others go in a random order. Chloe - Grace. Emmett - Shannon. Andrae - Danyelle. Guadalupe - Eliza (the ugliest model, in my opinion). Kara - Eden. Zulema - Rachael. Marla - Cara. Nick - Tarah (I'm shocked it took someone this long to pick Tarah. She's gorgeous). Daniel jumps models to Claudia from Rebecca. Rebecca doesn't look happy. Diana - Lesley Ann. Kirsten - Melissa. Danzzz - Rebecca. She's extremely relieved. Three models, one designer. Raymundo gets to crush two young ladies' dreams. He chooses Maria, so Alyssa and Allison are cut, not that they're ever addressed by name. I had to figure out who they were from the BRAVO website. That's pretty cold, Heidi. P.S. - Take off that fugly hat, Raymundo. There's another surprise in that the model that each designer picked will be his or her model for the entire show. That's a departure from last season where you could pick from the entire pool of models every week. Zulema is visibly shocked at this news. Nick is thrilled, for obvious reasons.

After the commercial break, the designers begin moving in to their suites at the Atlas. Nick, Andrae, Danzzz, and Santino will be roommates. They're pleased with each other, though Santino interviews that he's confident he can outlast them all. For some stark contrast, we see why sometimes, men are just better to hang out with. Guadalupe, Kara, Zulema, and Marla are roommates, and when Kara jumps on a bed, Guadalupe instantly becomes snotty and insists that they draw names for them. There are two beds in two rooms. It's not like any one is better than any other one. Jeez. Oh, let's throw some more pissy attitude on the fire. Zulema has a ton of shoes, and won't give any space up to Marla, saying "I don't believe in fairness." Let's write that down. Zulema doesn't believe in fairness. I believe that saying will be very handy in the future.

Emmett, Daniel, and Raymundo will be roommates, and Emmett snags the room with the single bed. He says it's because the other two didn't want to mess with him because he's 6'6", but they don't really seem to care which bed they take, so don't break your hand patting yourself on the back, there, Emmett. Raymundo makes a dumb comparison between Marilyn Monroe and Rasputin. I don't like Raymundo, and I'm not sure why. He's dumb, but he doesn't seem any dumber than, say, Kara, who I have no problem with. He has an ugly haircut worn only for attention's sake, but so does Daniel. Something about him just bugs. Kirsten, Chloe, and Diana are roommates, and don't have a stupid fight over hangers or beds, so I should amend my anti-women statement to an anti-Zulema/Guadalupe statement. Diana asks the others if an old prom dress would be too much for this party. Normally, I'd say no, but that dress is narsty. She interviews that her design inspirations come from science and technology, rather than fashion magazines. She's such a geek. I love her. She switches to a red dress that's way better than that beige monstrosity. Kirsten grabs a scarf to take with her to the party "in remembrance of [her] mother." That seems silly, but I play cards every couple of weeks, and always take along the deck that belonged to my grandmother, so I can understand attaching sentimentality to weird objects. Everyone leaves for the party.

The party looks pretty fun. The models are there, as well as Tim Gunn. Chloe mentions to some of the others that Diana needs a makeover. I'm all ready to take up in Diana's defense, but she's wearing the ugly beige jacket of her prom outfit over the red dress, so maybe Chloe has a point. Tim gathers the designers, and tells them this next challenge is a test of how far they'll go for fashion. They will create their next outfit solely from the clothes they are currently wearing. A terrific groan goes up from the designers. Heh. This is awesome.

Back at the Atlas, Nick bemoans having to give up a vintage leather jacket. Yeah, that'd be an ouch for me, if I wore leather jackets. Which I don't. Because they make me look like a poser. Andrae imitates Tim Gunn describing the challenge, but mimics him using a British or Australian accent. Huh? Shut up, Andrae. He goes on to say that the clothes he's giving up are symbolic because he got them at about the time his shop opened or closed or something. Yeah, I know I'll attach significance to whatever I'm wearing the next time I, like, get a home loan or something. Shut up some more, Andrae. Kirsten is upset, and doesn't know if she's willing to give up the scarf for a chance to win the challenge. I'm ambivalent about this. I understand her hesitance, but still. I don't even know what her mother or grandmother were like, but if they had any sense, they wouldn't mind that Kirsten gave up one scarf for a shot to get further in a hundred-thousand-dollar competition.

Commercial break. When we return, Chloe agonizes a bit over not wearing much to the party, but shrugs it off, saying that designers have to be innovative. Well, actually she says "inn-o-VAY-tiv". Um. I guess her creativity extends into her pronunciation. Tim gathers the designers in the workroom. He explains the challenge again, stressing that the outfits should be completely different, and that they have until midnight. Everyone gets started. Santino sings a little song to his jacket as he cuts it up. To his credit, he's not upset about it, saying he's willing to give it up for a chance to do something creative for the challenge. See, Santino's egotistical, but he's not full of hot air. He really is very talented. Emmett stands and conceptualizes for two hours. I know he wants to be sure of his design before he starts, but two hours? They only have a nine-hour day! I think I'll go into work tomorrow and just stare off into space for two hours. I'm sure my boss won't mind if I just tell her I'm "conceptualizing". Zulema seems pleased with what she's done so far, saying she never cuts unless she's certain that's what she wants to do. Wow, Zulema seems to specialize in statements that can be thrown back in her face later. Let's jot that one down next to "I don't believe in fairness."

Kirsten decides she's not going to give up the scarf. Again, I can see where she's coming from, but I think it was the wrong choice. Andrae babbles something about what her design's intent is, spewing some claptrap about how bad design is a design with no intention. Actually, he has a point. It just sounds like bullshit because it's coming from Andrae. I'd probably pop an eyebrow if he told me the world isn't flat. Meanwhile, Kara is getting frustrated because she can't thread her sewing machine. She asks around for some help, but everyone's busy with their own work, which Kara seems to accept. Zulema interviews that Kara gets flustered very easily. It's true, but then let's ask ourselves, who would we rather share our company with? A woman who gets flustered in stressful situations with a time crunch, or a woman who has apparently devoted her life to being as big of a bitch as she can? Yeah. Santino snarkily asks Guadalupe if she'll finish his dress for him (Is that a dig at Kara? I guess so), and Guadalupe shoots back that she will, but he shouldn't expect to win. Heh.

With five hours until the deadline, Tim comes back in to check on everyone. Chloe is turning her jacket and dress into a mini-dress. It looks good so far. Tim tells Kirsten to stop worrying about embellishments, because she needs to be concentrating on the shape of the actual dress. See, the scarf is the least of her worries. She's not working well on this challenge at all. Andrae is turning his denim outfit into a traditional Chinese dress, which sounds like a good idea. With three hours until the deadline, Guadalupe starts roaming from designer to designer, critiquing their dresses. Nick notes this in an interview, calling it "nervy". And how. What does she expect from this? "Oh, Guadalupe, your insights are great! Let me scrap this mess, and craft a new outfit in three hours!" Man, Guadalupe's getting on my nerves. Not as much as Andrae, though. She can take comfort in that.

Two hours until deadline. Kirsten checks in with Daniel, because she works next to him, and as she puts it, she can "feel his stress". Yeah, he's wigging out. He's got a ridiculous amount of work to do still. He's trying to do too much with too little time. In a way, it's admirable, but he needs to reassess his priorities. Time's up. Emmett interviews that 80% of the designers weren't finished on time, and that it shocked him. He sounds annoyingly schoolmarmish as he says this, but he has a point. Tim herds everyone out of the room. Daniel freaks out some more.

The next morning, various people interview about how they're nervous for the show. Anything you need to know about Andrae can be learned by the shot of him flinging himself out of the hotel like he's one of the fairies in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I hate drama queens. At the workroom, Tim tells them they have two hours to finish the dress, get the model fitted, and get the model's hair and makeup done. He admonishes them in a way that's extremely firm, but not cruel. I like Tim so much. Everyone works frantically for a few minutes. The models stream in. Raymundo's model isn't there. Turns out she's dropped out of the competition, and no explanation is given. Interesting. Tim tells him that Allison, one of the eliminated models, will be taking her place. I'd hate to be in Raymundo's position right now, since he was the one who essentially eliminated Allison. She may not be too thrilled with him. I think she's prettier than Maria, though, so he may have dodged a bullet.

Zulema interviews that her dress turned out "a little short for [her] tastes" over a shot of poor Rachael's ass literally hanging out of the bottom. Seriously, we're seeing full-on cheek here. Zulema then goes on to lie in an interview about how she sees women wearing dresses like that all the time. Unless she works in a brothel, I'm going to call bullshit on that one. Does she think she's fooling us? Good thing Zulema "never cuts until she's certain," right? Snerk. Kirsten tries to pep herself up by calling her outfit "rock and roll". Claudia tells Daniel she's proud of him for turning out such a great dress. She's a sweetie. Andrae's dress is still on the mannequin, with fifteen minutes left, which Tim understates as "alarming". Andrae tries to give him some attitude, which Tim shuts down instantly. Hah! Andrae actually has to ask Emmett to help him finish sewing the model into the dress with mere moments left. Emmett lectures him about time (also shutting down an attitude flareup), but does wind up helping. Boo! He should have left him hanging. Literally.

Tim announces time is up. Andrae interviews that this garment has a lot of symbolism for his life. What, that he can't prioritize, wastes time, and treats everything as four times a bigger deal than it actually is? Oh, he means that it symbolizes his shop, which unless he made everything in the store out of his own clothes...not. Man, I just cannot cut him a break. He annoys me so much. We enter the commercial break with the preview of an upcoming scene of him crying. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Heidi comes onto the runway and explains the challenge. The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and the "legendary" Diane Von Furstenburg. I know nothing about fashion, but I know that name, so she must be very famous, indeed. There will be a winner and one designer will be out. Oh, is that how this show works? I'm so glad she outlined that again. I was so confused. Let's start the show!

Heather comes out in Santino's dress. It looks good. It's got a leather skirt with the other fabric composing the top and sleeves, and a hair ribbon. OK, I don't like Guadalupe, and I don't like Eliza, but this dress is pretty. I like the colors and patterns she's sculpted out of her pre-existing outfit. Still, she used her top for the new dress' top and the skirt for the new dress' skirt. Not much innovation there. Shannon is wearing Emmett's dress. I like it better on second viewing, but I don't see two hours of concept here. The dress is extremely simple, but the layer covering it is cool. It's a denim...shawl? Jacket? Whatever starts at the neck and comes down to the top of the boobs, but has sleeves. Oh, Shannon has taken the jacket thing off, and the dress is a bit more complex than I gave it credit for. It's got a blue strip sewn in and a (regrettable) bow at the back. Speaking of giving credit, here comes Allison with Raymundo's dress. It looks way better than I thought it would. She looks kind of like a '50s pinup girl, but with a kicky vest. It's neat. Claudia is wearing Daniel's dress, which is beautiful, if simple. Simple in that it's black-on-black. It certainly doesn't look simple to make. You can see the work Daniel poured into this one.

Danyelle comes down the runway in Andrae's unremarkable dress, and we get to hear more about how it's symbolic and personal and SHUT UP. Here comes Rebecca in Danzzz's dress. The top is beige and boring. The bottom is light grey and boring. The entire thing is completely forgotten the second she walks off the stage. Why was this guy cast again? Cara is wearing Marla's dress. I'm not wild about the style, but it's inventive, which is what the challenge called for. The top is a denim tank top with a fringe around the bustline, and a cranberry miniskirt. Not a cute outfit, but definitely a cute idea. Grace is wearing Chloe's dress. It's beautiful. She did a phenomenal job for not having much fabric. It's a short, blue dress, but she's sewn in deep, black pockets. The black material of the pockets continues around the back of the dress. It's terrific. More goodness as Tarah comes down the runway in Nick's outfit. There's a white tank top (with folds) that comes to a point at her waist, a black leather skirt, and the whole thing is accentuated with chains and a foxtail. Very cool. Eden, wearing Kara's dress, looks cool too. As Kara says, she made an Oliver Twist hipster look, with a newsboy cap and poofy pants. Melissa, wearing Kirsten's dress, looks meh. It's not bad, but it shows little to no imagination. The t-shirt has been made into a sleeveless top, and the gold jacket has become a skirt. That's about it.

Lesley Ann is wearing Diana's dress, and it is so wonderful. She has taken two fairly ugly dresses, and made quite a vision. The red dress comes down to just below the hip, where the beige dress takes over, and there's a cute little hat, like something stewardesses used to wear in the '60s.

Ah, here's the hideous mess by Zulema. Rachael is barely covered in the orange dress, and her ass is still hanging out. Zulema has tried to divert attention by putting overly large sunglasses on Rachael's face. It doesn't work. Why didn't Zulema use the jeans she was wearing in addition to the orange cardigan? It just doesn't make any sense. I should stop trying to figure Zulema out. I have the feeling I wouldn't like what I'd discover. Rethinking that snotty interview about how Kara gets flustered, Zulema? Seems like you could stand to get a little more concerned about the dresses, yourself. The judges tabulate their scores, and Heidi asks the designers to step onto the runway. If she calls your name, step forward. Guadalupe. Emmett. Raymundo. Marla. Nick. Kara. Diana. Danzzz. These people are safe, which means the remaining folks have the highest and lowest scores. I know I'm biased, but Diana totally deserves to be among the highest. Boo! The models join the remaining designers.

The judges admire Santino's devotion to the challenge, since he shredded his favorite jacket to create the skirt. Chloe explains that she loves clean lines. Hey, me too. That's probably why I like her stuff so much. The judges love it. They also like Daniel's work. That's about the first time they've complimented him. He's giddy. Claudia rubs his shoulder. Awwwwww. Nina asks Zulema why she only used the cardigan. Zulema dances around the question, never really answering it. She whines that Rachael has a lot of booty, which is 1) not the point, since the judges have already established that she had more fabric to work with, and 2) patently and demonstrably false. Shut up, Zulema. Nina tells her not to make excuses, which makes me love Nina a little bit. Zulema protests that she's not making excuses (which she is), she just did the best that she could with what she had. Well, your best fucking bites. The judges ask Kirsten about the scarf. We all know about the scarf. Scarf, scarf, scarf. Enough about the scarf.

Andrae. Oh, Andrae. Heidi asks him a simple question about his motivation for the outfit, and he bursts into ridiculous baby sobs. Santino is fighting the giggles. Me too, Santino. Except replace "giggles" with "urge to crawl through the TV and punch Andrae in the gut". What Andrae says isn't important. It's all dressed up bullshit. I'll spare posterity from reliving his delusions. Nina wins me over some more by saying he'd be better served by pouring all this emotion into the dress instead of teary runway confessionals. Well said, Nina. Also, get this boy a shrink, stat. Santino is pretty much openly laughing at this point. Michael says that he fears Andrae can't give a simple explanation for anything. Michael and I agree on something. Mark your calendars. The designers leave the runway. Deliberations. Andrae's display impressed nobody, nor does his dress. Kirsten's was tacky. Zulema's was awful. Daniel rocked. Chloe rocked even harder. Santino's was "quite nice". The designers return. Heidi explains the show's concept yet again. I'm going to have to think of something shorter to replace "Heidi tells the designers that one of them will be the winner, and one of them will be out," because she says it every thirty seconds.

We're back from commercials. Zulema is in. She thanks the judges profusely and promises no more short dresses. Let's hope not. Actually, I hope she does, so she gets tossed out on her annoying ass. Daniel is in, and earns a "nice job". The winner of the challenge is...well, Chloe obviously. Santino looks like he's been slapped. Chloe jumps up and down excitedly. What does Chloe win? Nothing! Zulema and Daniel congratulate her backstage. Santino is in. Why does Heidi pause after every name? Will she ever declare the person out before the bottom two? I doubt it. He goes backstage and declares that they just didn't want to give him two in a row. Ass. He may be half-joking, but he doesn't even congratulate Chloe, so...ass. We're left with Kirsten and Andrae. Oh, please let it be Andrae cut. Kirsten has bad taste. Ouch. Andrae needs to focus on dresses, not whiny performances. Andrae is still in. Boo! Even after being explicitly told by the judges to keep the drama to a minimum, Andrae whines about how he really likes Kirsten. Get off the runway! He does, and backstage, announces with a sigh and an artful wipe of his tear-stained face that it's Kirsten who's cut, making it sound like she's just been executed in the gas chamber.

Kirsten comes backstage and says good-bye to everyone. She's glad she didn't use the scarf. If you say so, Kirsten. Neither she nor I seem too torn up about her departure. Instead of an episode preview, we get the entire season's preview that doesn't bode well for me ever coming around to like Zulema or Andrae. Shame.

Overall Grade: B-

Road to Runway

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 1

I haven't had the pleasure of seeing this show before, but several people told me it would be right up my alley, so I decided to give the Season 2 premiere a whirl. Not half bad. I know next to nothing about clothing styles, but I do know what's ugly, so why not throw my judgmental hat into the ring along with everyone else? Hit it!

We begin with an overly lengthy recap of Season 1. Seriously, for a minute I thought I had taped the wrong show, since I knew BRAVO was running some sort of Project Runway marathon beforehand. Let's skip all that. I know I'm going to be watching Season 1 retroactively, so I'd rather not revisit too much of it now. And here is Heidi "not quite Miss Banks" Klum to fill us in. 16 designers will compete for the "opportunity of a lifetime". To degrade themselves on national television for the shot at some attention? Oh, I guess she means to showcase their clothing design talent. My bad. We start in New York, where Season 1's Jay joins a panel of judges. We get a sorry parade of losers (including a woman who has weirdly dressed up her doll, but to be honest, the dress itself is quite cool), before someone with promise. Meet Diana Eng. She's from Jacksonville, Florida, and she designs her dresses from a scientific, mathematical, and technological standpoint. I like her on sight. She seems to be lacking in, ah, social graces, but appears earnest, intelligent, and kind, which goes a long way with me. Plus, check out her stuff. She's designed a top that has a heart rate monitor and a camera hooked in. When you get excited about something, your heart rate increases, and the camera snaps a shot of whatever you're looking at! Cool! I'd love to see this top in action on the set of a porno movie. Diana is welcomed as a semi-finalist.

On day two, Season 1's Austin will be the guest judge. He's looking particularly Hedwigish today. Some more unfortunate souls pass by before we meet Zulema Griffin, from New York, New York. She says she will bring a mix of high fashion, street culture, and mutlicuturalism to her designs. Sounds good to me. Sounds good to the judges as well, so she's in. Down in Houston, Season 1's Wendy gives advice to the hopefuls in line. From what I've read about Wendy, the only advice she's fit to give is a lecture entitled "How to make everyone in the world hate you in the shortest span of time possible". Every reality show has a Wendy. She doesn't seem to realize that being the Wendy is not a compliment. The Houston semi-finalist is Chloe Dao. I really like her dresses, and the way she explains them. She's straightforward about her motivations without being overdramatic. Thumbs up on the Chloe.

Season 1's Robert is helping out on the panel in Miami. Well, not so much "helping out" as "hitting on auditioning women out by the pool, drinking, and bragging about how Playgirl wants to shoot him for a full spread". Translation: "I am straight. STRAAAAAAAIGHT!!!!!" I tease, but he doesn't seem like a bad sort. Not coincidentally, Miami's semi-finalist is a thin, pretty blond girl. Her name is Heidi Standridge, from Atlanta. That's an impressive accent she's sporting. It sounds a little bit like she's playing it up for the judges, but what does my Midwestern ass know? Finally, in Los Angeles, Season 1's Kara joins the judges' panel. Apparently, the judges were under strict instructions to be on the lookout for disturbing facial hair. Nick Verreos has a model actually strut her stuff wearing his (very pretty) dress. He's in. Raymundo Baltazar not only has disturbing facial hair, but disturbing eyebrows to match. He's like an uglier (and Mexican) version of George Michael. And for the disturbing facial hair trifecta, we meet Santino Rice. Really, all three of the gentlemen have some lovely designs. It's just that I want to attack their nasty beards with a razor, then toss them all into a vat of Suave.

Parade of famewhorish losers not worth talking about. Then, a surprise. The guy who got cut first in Season 1, Daniel Franco, is back for another go. He'd like another opportunity to compete, and I guess the producers felt the grinding of what's left of his spirit into a fine paste would make for good TV, because he's in. He seems really nervous from the get go. I hate his haircut, but he seems like a nice guy.

After the commercials, Heidi explains the first challenge to us. The sixteen semi-finalists were all sent six yards of fabric (muslin) and twenty dollars for supplies. They were then given a week to create a dress that best expresses who they are as a designer. We zoom to New York to meet all the semi-finalists we didn't meet before. Guadalupe Vidal is ugly and kind of obnoxious, but her dresses incorporate a lot of bright colors, which I really like. Kirsten Ehrig is a lawyer, but designs swimsuits on the side. She's boring. Her suits are not. Andrae Gonzalo had a shop that went out of business, so this will be a good opportunity for him. Of course, if the public doesn't like his work enough to keep his shop open, I'm not sure professional judges are going to cut him any more slack. Daniel Vosovic. Daniel is so greaslkdfjasdhf. I mean he's drjkfhdfhuettt. I'm sorry, every time I try to describe him, I fall asleep and my head hits the keyboard. Kara Janx has two things working for her already, which are her long, straight hair (beautiful!) and her South African accent (beautiful!). Who cares if she can design? Just have her read to me. A very imposing man is asked by Andrae if he's studied at a lot of "academes". Andrae and I are going to have problems, you guys. The imposing man and I are not. He is Emmett McCarthy. He's intelligent, articulate, and good-looking. Who cares if he can design? Just have him snuggle up to me while Kara reads to us. John Wade is one of those unfortunate people who thinks that wearing dumb clothes makes him look hip and unique rather than dumb. He's wearing one of those Little Rascal boy ties that I hate, and joins the Unfortunate Facial Hair Brigade. Feh. He explains over shots of his designs that he's going for a "unique and innovate aesthetic." Translation: "I'm not talented enough to create attractive clothing, so I'll make weird-ass, pug fugly shit and try to pass it off as edgy." Marla Duran's hook is that she's a Woman of a Certain Age, but I don't see how that would hinder her in fashion design. Well, maybe in that she doesn't know what the kids and their disposable income are wearing these days, but she seems like a good egg. Ladies and gents, our sixteen designers.

A very pregnant Heidi comes out of Parsons (a design school), welcomes them, and introduces Tim Gunn, who was one of the panel judges, is a higher up at Parsons, and will be the designers' mentor. He welcomes them as well. Everyone goes into the workspace. There are sixteen designers, but only fourteen workspaces. Whatever shall be done? Well, I'll tell you. In two hours, the designers will be judged on the dresses they made to express themselves, and two of them are going home. They have been randomly assigned models for this challenge. A few designers explain their designs to us. Nick's is really pretty. I love autumny colors like that. John's is summery and peach-colored, with that sort of pineapple slice design that comes from tie-dyeing cloth on it. I like it. Zulema shreds it in an interview, calling it too simple. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Season 2's Wendy. With 1 and 1/2 hours until the runway show (um...why did it take half an hour to pull the dresses out of a garment bag and put it on a mannequin?), the models arrive and match themselves up with the designer they've been assigned to. They introduce themselves. Tarah is gorgeous.

Tim Gunn interrupts everyone to tell them to hurry up, so the models go into hair and makeup. Everyone stresses out, particularly Diana. The skirt she designed is fastened with magnets, and somehow, one of the magnets has reversed polarity (I'll bet something at the airport did that), so the dress repels itself, rather than closing. Uh, oh. My heart seizes a little bit for Diana. Please don't get cut in the first hour! Tim Gunn tells Kirsten to hurry up. More models get makeup. One of the models has quite an impressive nose going on there. It's certainly not an attractive nose, but it makes her look unique, and I'll take that kind of look over a bunch of pretty blandness, Nicole. I can't believe she won America's Next Top Model. Boo. Anyhow, time's up. Everyone scuttles off to the runway, except Daniel Franco, who's still frantically trying to fix his dress' sagging bustline. He's out of time, though, so he heads for the runway, bordering on nervous collapse.

After the commercials, Heidi joins the designers on the runway. Man, is she pregnant. She explains for the second time that only fourteen of the designers will progress. She explains the challenge for the third time. Heidi, we really get it now. Express yourself. 14 finalists. Got it. Seriously. She also tells them that a week to design is a long time, so these dresses better be awesome. Let's meet the judges. Michael Kors is a fashion designer, and looks kind of icky. He strikes me as one of those guys that gets drunk and puts his hand uninvited on your thigh. Just a first impression. He probably reads to blind children on the weekends or something. Nina Garcia is the fashion director of Elle magazine (first impression: ice queen). And of course, Heidi herself will be a judge. She explains again that two people will be cut. Gah! Heidi, I promise to tattoo the fact that only fourteen people progress if you promise to shut up about it. Whoever has the highest score will win the challenge. Let's start the show.

Big nose model (hereafter nose...I mean known as Grace) comes out first, wearing Chloe's dress. There's really not much to the dress, but at least it's attractive. Lesley Anne is wearing Raymundo's dress. I'm a huge fan of green, but something about this dress isn't working for me. I think it's the combination of the green, the animal print at the bottom of the dress, and that weird feather thing he's stuck on her shoulder. The dress is too busy, I guess. Daniel V.'s dress is as boring as he is. I'm calling him Danzzz from now on to differentiate between him and Daniel Franco. Tarah is wearing Nick's dress, and I still love it and her. Again, that feather at the shoulder needs to come out, but besides that, it's beautiful. Heather is wearing Santino's dress. It's a bit too...what's the word? Pleated? There's too many folds in it for my tastes, and what is with those extra flaps at the hips? The back of it is really pretty, though. Rachael is wearing Zulema's dress, and bitchy as Zulema is, this is a very attractive dress. I didn't even notice the big 'ol shoulder pads until she points them out in an interview. Maria is wearing Emmett's dress. I hate pink. Still, there are some very interesting designs cut out at the neckline and shoulder. I think I'd like it more if I had more time to look at it. Let's just get a big box, write UGLY across it in big, black letters, and put Guadalupe, Guadalupe's dress, and the model wearing Guadalupe's dress into it. We'll ship it to Latvia or something. Ugh. As Ugly Eliza struts down the runway, Guadalupe interviews that usually she uses a lot of color, so this plain, white dress is new for her. Good thing the challenge wasn't to express yourself as a designer, then.

Danyelle is wearing Andrae's dress. It's extremely plain. I don't even know how to describe it, because it's just...a dress. Danyelle is pretty, though. Allison is wearing John's dress. I still like it. Those circular patterns are cute. I don't know what the hell is going on at the waistline, though. Cara is wearing Marla's dress. I don't like it, and I don't like when designers describe their ugly creations as "original" as if that's an excuse for ugly. Basically, it looks like someone took a basic black dress with shawl and ran them both through a paper shredder. Alyssa is wearing Heidi's dress. It's pretty, but there's really not much to it. It's a white top with no sleeves (I want to say it's a halter top, but here we run into my ignorance of fashion, so it may be something else completely), and a plain white skirt with a brown line at the bottom, connected by a waistline of lace and brown ribbon. Again, cute, but unimaginative. Eden is wearing Kara's dress. I don't like the cut of the dress at all. It's all bunched up. But, I do like the color and design. It's got purple squiggles on it. Not a very technical description, I know, but it's pretty. I'm not sure what I think of Kirsten's dress, modeled by Claudia. It's got a triangular cutout in the back and copper pants. I love the copper color, but don't really like it all together. Here comes Shannon in Diana's dress, and there goes Diana's dress. The magnets don't hold together. The neckline is a really cool web of brown, though, and the dress does fasten in the back. It'd be really great if it, you know, worked. Rebecca is wearing Daniel's dress. It's really great-looking except for that pesky bustline, which doesn't fit at all.

The judges tabulate their scores. Daniel blinks uncontrollably. Heidi asks the designers to step onto the runway. Will the following people step forward? Santino. John. Heidi. Daniel. Diana. If your name hasn't been called, welcome aboard! You've joined the zoo. The five people called have the highest and the lowest scores, and two of these five will be out, which Heidi explains again. Commercials.

When we return, we relive the last few seconds from before the break, so we hear for the fucking fifth time that two people will be eliminated. Shut up!!! The models join the five designers on the runway. The judges slam Daniel on the wonky bustline. They love Santino's baby doll dress. Eh. It's certainly technically proficient. Michael tells Heidi (the designer, not the judge) that her garment has too much trim, and that if he took it away, there wouldn't be much of a dress. Well, if you took the sun away, there wouldn't be much of an Earth. What's your point, doof? Oh, his point is that she should have accomplished more in a week. That I agree with. The judges give Diana some grief for the faulty magnets. John says the stupidest thing imaginable, which is that he finished his dress in eight hours. He may as well have said that he wanted to make a dress that makes an ugly cow like Heidi Klum resemble something human. He spent eight hours on a dress that he was supposed to spend a week on, and expects the judges to laud him for it? They do not laud him for it. The judges begin their final deliberations. Tongue bath for Santino. Thankfully, the judges recognize the work and time Diana put into her dress. John's dress, which may have had a nice word said for it, being very pretty, is instead slashed to bits because he stupidly admitted that it took him scarcely any time. Heidi's dress is boring. Daniel is frittering away his second chance.

The designers are called back. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Heidi explains for the sixth time that two people are being eliminated. Apparently, we the audience are complete morons and need this explained to us every forty seconds. Commercials. So help me, if she says it again when we come back, I'm going to choke a bitch. We're back. A bitch is getting choked. I swear, you guys. Heidi has explained this to us seven times. I don't think I need to hear the directions for flying a Russian fighter plane seven times. Santino is the winner of the challenge. What does he win? Apparently nothing. Um, so what's the point of being the winner? Heidi tells the remaining four designers that only two of them are progressing, so that's eight times, three of which took place in a span of three minutes. I hope Heidi Klum gives birth to a swarm of hornets. Diana is in. Yay! Thank goodness. John is out. Eh. I liked his dress, but I won't miss him. As he walks backstage, Raymundo goes to congratulate him, not quite getting that John didn't make it. Snerk. Heidi tells the other Heidi that her dress is unoriginal and Daniel that his determination isn't necessarily enough of an asset to succeed. Daniel is in, though, so Heidi is out. Daniel babbles his thanks and condescendingly tells Heidi that "life goes on". I mean, I get that he knows what she's going through, but don't rub it in, dude. Heidi takes her loss with grace. And that's that.

Welcome to Project Runway. I only wish Heidi Klum had explained what happened to John and Heidi. Weren't there supposed to be sixteen designers? What happened to the other two? It's almost as if they didn't get to progress. Huh. Mystery for the ages, I guess.

Overall Grade: B-

The Girl Who Retaliates

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 10

Oh, Bre. And after I defended you last week. Well, let's get this over with. And by "this", I mean the whole season. I'm done.

This week there were some challenges about remaining calm and still for stretches of time. But the challenges are really just the background for a huge spat spanning the entire episode. Bre convinces herself (with no proof) that Nicole stole one of her granola bars, so she pours out all of Nicole's energy drinks, then tries to claim some sort of moral high ground. Um, no. She, Kim, and Nicole have giant blowout fights, and everyone's right, and everyone's wrong, and by this point there's nobody left to root for but Nike.

In the end, Bre and Kim land in the bottom two, and although Bre is now exposed as a hypocritical brat, she does look better in pictures, so Kim will be taking the walk of shame. Yes, I did totally call when she'd be cut several weeks ago. You're so kind to remember!

The Girl Who Talks Behind Everyone's Back

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 9

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kim landed herself on Veronica Mars. The show, that is, not the character, which must have been disappointing for her. Fugly Lisa advised us all to eat a cookie. Jayla and Nicole found themselves in the bottom two, but nobody was eliminated. Instead, all the girls are off to London. Six girls still remain. Somebody had better be eliminated tonight.

Bel Air. Jayla and Nicole confessionalize that being in the bottom two sucks. Thanks, girls. Everyone is excited to go to London as they pack their bags. So off we go! Oh, wait. They're not going to London yet. First, they're going to have a visit from Jenny Shimizu. I've never heard of her, but apparently, she's an offbeat kind of model because she's tattooed and gay and such. Kim's thrilled to meet her. I wish I could say the same. I mean, she seems perfectly nice, but as with all the "Girls, meet somebody special!" segments, it's really fucking boring. Plus, Jenny just kind of fell into modeling, so she doesn't have much helpful advice for them.

Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Guess not. Instead, we watch Kim tell Fugly Lisa that she looks old (well, thirty - but the two are one and the same in that household), then shit-talks her when she leaves the room. Jeez, what a bitch. Bre interviews that she's noticed Kim gossiping about everyone, and hopes that everyone will leave all that crap behind when they go to London. Good luck with that, Bre. The girls get some Tyra Mail that tells them to be prepared to meet their ghosts from the past.

Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nope. Instead, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at some studio or other where they meet some Entertainment Tonight talking head. He tells the girls that as the winner of America's Next Top Model, they will be a celebrity; followed everywhere by people desperate for a picture of them. I want to laugh, but that's equal parts hilarious and insulting. Do the producers really think we'll buy that? Naima can hardly get four people to come to Walgreen's to get an autograph from her, and they want us to think that these girls will be viciously stalked by paparazzi? Right. Talking Head also tells the girls that there has been a photographer following them around, which they haven't noticed. He shows the girls bad photos that have been taken of them, and tells them to be READY AT ALL TIMES for someone to take their picture. Sorry to shout at you, but he really wants to emphasize that point. READY AT ALL TIMES. Calm down, dude.

Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Instead, here's Kim and Nicole, you guessed it, shit-talking the other girls. I like a good joke at someone else's expense as much as the next guy, but this is just plain nasty. Kim comes and plays the harmonica for her best friend, Nicole. Well, best friend now that Sarah and Coryn and Kyle are gone. Hope you don't mind being a last resort, Nicole. Kim plays a sad little tune symbolizing Nicole's almost elimination, and a happy jig at the thought of Jayla's elimination. It's no Peter and the Wolf, but it'll suffice. Bre is still unhappy about the way Kim talks about everyone. She interviews that she's afraid the second she leaves the room, Kim is making fun of her. It's a valid point, though I don't think we've ever seen Kim say anything about Bre on-camera. Less valid is that Bre and Jayla complain about the backstabbers by...backstabbing them out on the smokers' patio. You can tell Bre is getting more and more upset about the whole Kim situation. There's even some patented Sassy Black Girl Finger Waving going on. Bitches gonna throw down!

Commercials. Watch Veronica Mars! Now with 100% less Kim!

Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Bre and Nike sit around in various states of undress while Nike talks to her friend Visa on the phone. Bre, Nik, and Visa. I swear I'm not making any of these names up. Whatever happened to names like Katherine and Meredith? I swear. Anyway, Kim happens by, takes the phone from Nike and proceeds to actually insult Nike to her friend while Nike is sitting right there. This shit ain't right. Kim needs a beatdown. Fugly Lisa is anxious to get to London. God, me too. Some Tyra Mail awaits that tells them they have to get a photo taken before they leave. Arrrrgh! Nicole is looking forward to leaving because of all the crazy shit that's happening in the house. Um, does Nicole realize that the people causing the crazy shit are going with her? She is dumb as a post.

The next bit is boring. The girls are dropped at a "passport photo place" and meet the "passport photographer" so they can get their pictures taken for their "passports". Uh, huh. Yeah, they're getting their picture taken for a passport on the way to the airport. I totally believe that. Stop insulting my intelligence, Tyra. Anyway, the "passport photo" is a challenge about readiness or some such shit and Bre is randomly judged the winner. OK, then. She (and Nike) will get a prize in London. If they ever fucking get there! But first, the photographer product places some phone that can play video. Each of the girls has a message from home, but the only one worth mentioning is Jayla's, because she's got a freaky ass lookin' boyfriend. Yikes. Looks like the Unabomber and Adam Goldberg had a baby.

Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Instead, Bre and Nike whisper some more about Kim in the Monster Humvee. Kim hears them, and asks what they're talking about, and the fight is on. Bre and Nike confront Kim about her talking about the other girls. Kim denies talking about "everyone", which is...not really the point, there, Kim. Bre masterfully brings up some examples about Kim making fun of Jayla, which of course spurs Jayla on to tearfully attack Kim. Bre is an evil genius, y'all. Fugly Lisa is once again just happy to not be the target for once. Kim is getting more and more flustered, because somebody's finally calling her on her crap behavior. Nicole tries to calm the others, but gets shouted down. As a way of defending Kim, Nicole points out that everyone talks about everyone. It's true (for instance, where was Nike with this talk when Jayla slagged her?), but it's also true that Nicole is kind of Kim's cohort, so she's not exactly a paragon of virtue, either. Kim insists that she's never talked about Bre, but Bre's not buying it. Bre is getting sanctimonious here, which is unattractive, but she's essentially right. They appear to make up, but it looks like that's mostly for show, since Bre is interviewing about not being anyone's puppet and how she keeps her enemies close. Awkward little scene, there.

Commercials. Not even my love of Target will induce me to buy Choxie. Even the name makes me feel a little ill.

Now, off to London! Yes! We're there! The music is a dance remix of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". Because Mozart was so British. Miss J picks the girls up in a double decker bus and takes them on a tour of London. Sigh. I love London. Miss J drops the girls at a stunningly beautiful hotel, and gives them the room key. As the girls round a corner to enter the hotel, they are swarmed by "paparazzi". Come the fuck on, people. Embarrassing them for a challenge is fine. Expecting the audience to be taken in by this is not. The hotel room is beautiful, of course. Remember the cramped room the Cycle One girls had to share when they went to Paris? Ooh, I'll bet Robin is spitting mad as she watches this. From hell.

Two very charming English gentlemen come to pick up Bre and Nike for dinner as the reward for the whole passport photo thing. They eat. They talk. It's boring. I love me some charming English gentlemen, though. Mmmm. Back at the hotel, Kim has written an apology note to Nike. That's sweet (although again, as with Coryn's apology to Fugly Lisa, a face-to-face one would have meant much more). Of course, Kim then complains to Nicole that Nike and Bre "have the wrong impression" of her, which is not true. They have Kim dead to rights, and Kim's humiliated by that. That evening's Tyra Mail includes the word "call" and tells them to be ready at 7:30 the next morning. Yuck. The girls will still be all jet-lagged then. Nike and Bre find the apology letter. Kim is convinced everyone's in a live-and-let-live kind of mood. She's wrong.

Morning. Time for the photo shoot. OJ tells them that London is a paparazzi haven and that they have to be READY AT ALL TIMES to have their picture taken. Oh, good God. We get it! Even if it were true, we'd get it, and it's not! OJ makes up some bullshit trying to explain why they're forcing this latest torture on the girls: the photo shoot will be all six of them crammed into a phone booth. Heh. So, the girls will be semi-naked and covered with newspaper. Fair enough. OJ introduces the photographer, Nick, and the girls go into hair and makeup. The girls complain, but eventually all get into the booth. Bre's in the front first. Fugly Lisa farts. Ew. Fugly Lisa rotates to the front. Nike rotates to the front. Kim rotates to the front. Nicole rotates to the front. Jayla rotates to the front. The end. Tyra Mail back at the hotel announces that elimination looms, and Bre once again interviews about how she's gonna take her competition down. Yawn.

Commercials. A man walks out of his house and parasails down to his car. Buy this car! Why? Um...because that guy just parasailed to it! It must be good!

Our introduction to the English Chamber of Doom is a shot of Tyra and the two Jays warding off paparazzi. I'd like to meet a single person that's interested in a photo of OJ. Actually, I'd be interested in a photo of OJ, but only if I get a homemade voodoo kit first. Prizes blah. Judges blah. The guest judge is the photographer, Nick. The final challenge is actually the shot of the girls taken outside of the hotel. They'll be judged on their worst shot. Kim's up first. Her bad shot is, indeed, pretty bad. Did she get those sunglasses at Chuck E. Cheese's? Her phone booth picture is great, though. She really is learning to pose better. Bre. Nigel says the bad shot isn't so bad, but I don't like it. She looks like she's sneering. She's pretty as always in her phone booth shot, but I find it a little bland. The judges love it, though. Fugly Lisa. The bad shot is horrific. The phone booth one is good, though. Twiggy calls it the best photograph she's seen of Lisa. Nicole. I grow more and more bored with her by the week. She always looks the same. Her bad shot's not that bad, and her good shot's not that good. Zzzz. Tyra agrees with me. Jayla. Her bad shot's actually not bad at all, though I'm certainly not feeling those faux Jackie O. sunglasses. She doesn't look too bad in the phone booth shot, but it's not very commanding, either. In fact, as Nigel points out, your attention really goes to Fugly Lisa off to the side rather than Jayla. Not good. Nike. Her bad shot sucks. She needs to buy prettier glasses. Girls in glasses can be devastatingly beautiful, so why they insist on buying Harriet the Spy frames is beyond me. Her phone booth shot is lovely, though Tyra feels she turns to the side too much. I'd say she just knows her strengths is all.

Commercials. Walk the Line. Wait for DVD.

Deliberations. The judges feel that although Fugly Lisa has taken good photographs, her personality is too brash. They feel she won't get hired with her in-your-face attitude (read: girlfriend pissed herself on purpose last week). Tyra brags about getting a job based on her passport photo. We don't care, Tyra. Maybe I'm just bitter because my passport photo looks like I've been brought in on charges of soliciting sheep. Nobody likes Jayla. Elimination. Kim is safe. Bre. Nicole. Nike. Would Fugly Lisa and Jayla please step forward. Once again, I feel like this one's way too easy. Fugly Lisa has looked better than Jayla in every single photo shoot to date. Plus, Jayla's been edited as the villain, so it's about her time to go. Tyra gives each girl their criticisms. Fugly Lisa is too annoying. Jayla's too ugly. And...Jayla gets her photo, so Fugly Lisa is cut. Well, fuck! Who would have thought I'd be sorry to see her go? And yet I am. On first viewing, I was really angry and thought this elimination was unfair, but I knew there was no way in hell Lisa was going to win this season, so she may as well go now, even if it means I have to put up with Jayla some more. Fugly Lisa dredges up some class on the way out, interviewing that she tried her best. I'll say. We flash back not only on her photos, which have been remarkable, but on her crazy-ass behavior. I do have to say, I've liked Fugly Lisa. I've hated Fugly Lisa. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked pretty. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked...well, fugly. I've thought Fugly Lisa was a bitch who deserved to be belittled. I've thought Fugly Lisa was an unfair target of criticism. But there's one thing I'm sure of, and that is that Fugly Lisa is the star of Season 5. No question. And no doubt she finds comfort in that. Take care, you wackjob.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Nicole is attacked by birds. Well, you knew she had that coming after that whole "birds are blind" speech. Kim and Bre fight some more. Kick her ass, Bre!

Overall Grade: C+