Sunny Delights

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: Fifteen chefs came to Miami with a dream, a set of knifes, and a fake nut. Or maybe that's just CJ. The amuse-bouche Quickfire caught the chefs by surprise, but Micah rose to the occasion. The odd proteins of the Elimination challenge threw everyone for a loop. Tre emerged victorious, while Brian and Howie had issues with the time limit. Clay's lack of cooking sophistication was his downfall, and he became the first chef chopped. Fourteen sauce-wranglers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits (AKA: menu of the viewing party). The blueberry muffin recipe I got in high school Food and Nutrition, and has been taking over the world ever since. Oh, and booze.

A bright, sunny morning comes to Miami. I wonder if they'll ever deign to show a rainstorm. Over at Chef's Manor, people begin crawling out of bed. There's the traditional interview (from Brian this time around) about how it's starting to sink in that people actually get eliminated, and this won't just be a filmed vacation of fifteen friends hanging out for three months. He adds that after his poor performance in the Elimination Challenge, he's got to "step it up". Tally mark! As Sandee works on her mohawk, she interviews that she's fairly new to the world of chefery. I'm aware that's not a real word, but it's fun to say. Anyhow, she went from line cook to chef in two months. I can't tell if that's really impressive, or just that the restaurant she works in has some questionable standards. She's refreshingly candid about her reasons for taking part in this competition, saying that she's using it as a learning experience, and that she's taken in more in two nights than she learned in a year at home. Micah has problems getting out of bed. When she finally gets up, she grouses about having thirteen roommates, then warns the others that she's not a morning person as she flicks them off. Sweet. No wonder I felt an affinity for her right off the bat. Boo to mornings! Howie vows to bounce back from his low placement last week. Everyone wanders out.

Quickfire Challenge. After a bunch of product placement shots, the chefs come into the Kitchen, where the counters are stacked high with all types of citrus fruits. It looks incredibly pretty. Padma introduces the guest judge for the round, Norman Van Aken, who looks like he'd make a pretty good Mr. Roper. Norman is apparently a big wheel in Florida dining. I'll take their word for it. Padma tells them that the challenges this week revolve around Florida, and its sunshine. For the Quickfire Challenge, the chefs will have half an hour to prepare a dish that incorporates citrus fruit. No gimmicks! No forced teams! Just "take this type of ingredient and make something good". Hooray! The chefs will have access to anything in the pantry. Ready? Go!

Kitchen chaos. Hung almost trips over his own feet as he races for the citrus. People set up their knives and grab fruit. Saran interviews that she'll do fine as long as she keeps it simple, and should be able to make top of the pack on this challenge. A vulture bursts into the Kitchen and starts circling Saran's head. OK, not really, but it may as well have. Someone squirts something purple into a pan. Micah tells herself that working with citrus ought to be easy, but says that she had more ideas from looking at "freaking geoduck and monkfish liver" than "freaking lemon and lime". Hehehe. Hung continues racing around like he's getting a transplant organ to the hospital. Joey wrenches the cork out of something with his mouth, then tosses some fruit into the blender. He interviews that he excels at using blood oranges and key lime wedges. Glad to hear it. Tre makes me cringe as he slices some tangelos, because he's coming awfully close to slicing open his palm. He reiterates his opinion from last week, that Hung is his only real competition. Hung agrees, calling himself and Tre the two "favorites" so far. I'm not sure there can be a "favorite" after one Elimination Challenge, but who am I to burst his bubble? He actually pulls a pan of Tre's off the heat when he thinks it's done. Interesting.

More chaos. Chefs run around and collide. Tre explains that it's the first time everyone has all cooked at the same time, so it's crowded in there. A gas stove burner refuses to light. Sandee has trouble getting her torch started. Jeez, GE appliances must be as shitty as Kenmore's were. Anyone make kitchen equipment that works these days? Hung says that the one working stove flame is his. Casey looks for ginger. Dale hunts for the pepper mill that is shown on the floor, with its contents spilled like it's a murder victim. With five minutes left, Saran opens the shrimp she's planning to cook. They still have their shells on them, and aren't deveined. One wonders why she waited twenty-five minutes to even look at one of her key ingredients, but whatever. She's not happy. Time winds down, and everyone goes into hyperdrive to get things plated. Time runs out.

Padma and Norman go down the line. CJ has made pan-seared perch, and put it onto a bed of carrots, radicchio, oranges, and hazelnuts. Norman notices that there are orange seeds in the dish, and asks CJ if that was intentional. CJ is honest, and tells him that those slipped by. Heh, it would have been funny if he tried to pass that off as part of his dish. CJ calls himself a jackass in an interview. I'm liking me some CJ these days. Casey has done a new spin on a s'more (just like she did a "new spin" on chicken-fried steak last week - enough with the new spins). She's incorporated vanilla/tequila cream, and some blood orange and key lime. Norman says that it's good, but doesn't have enough focus on the citrus elements. Sandee has made a citrus trio: key lime mojito, a grapefruit brulee with shrimp, and orange-encrusted sea bass. The drink looks kind of nasty. There's a ton of stuff floating in it. Aside from that, everything looks fine.

Micah has made a spicy avocado citrus soup with caramelized red grapefruit. The consistency is very thick, and Norman rather pissily asks if it's really a soup. Micah interviews that she was going for soup, but it wound up more like pudding. Ew. Lia has made crab salad with sourdough croutons and a grapefruit vinaigrette. Mmm. I wish I found Lia more interesting, because everything she's made so far has sounded really good. Padma bites down on something that isn't a crouton, but probably a bit of crab shell. Whoops! Lia's embarrassed. Dale has made a citrus salad incorporating watercress, endives, shaved fennel, goat cheese, and lemon poppyseed (I guess as the dressing?). The plate looks kind of messy and unappetizing to me, and Norman thinks it could have used some olive oil. Saran interviews that she wasn't expecting Norman to be so critical in his...critiques. We all look at each other to make sure we heard that correctly. Saran may be a few swings short of a playground. She's nervous about how her dish will be received. She doesn't explain it well to the judges, but she's made a blood orange and tangelo citrus salad with shrimp, and a honey tangerine vinaigrette. Hmm. Maybe her presentation is off, but that sounds pretty good to me. Norman takes a bite, and doesn't even say anything about the food. He just tells her she needs to be clearer in her explanations.

Quick interview from Hung about how he's definitely going to win this, because a bunch of the other dishes are "slummy". He's made slow-roasted sea bass, a watercress and radish salad, and a "citrus crumble", which is composed of blood orange, tangerine, and oranges. Norman likes it. Tre has made hot and cold salmon. One is raw king salmon with a macadamia nut pesto. The other is coriander-seared salmon with fuji apple salad. Norman calls them "very clean; very nice". At no point is any citrus fruit mentioned. Howie has made vanilla-butter poached lobster tail with a citrus salad. I hate to agree with Hung, but he's right. A lot of these dishes are awfully "slummy". Norman likes the lobster's texture. Brian has made Alaskan halibut with blood orange and pomegranate molasses. It looks beautiful and sounds extremely good. Norman says it has "very good flavors". Joey has made a fennel salad with blood oranges, and a watermelon drink with Grand Marnier and coriander oil. That's all the entries we see, so poor Camille is ignored again. Are we sure she's even on this show?

Padma asks Norman for his bottom three first. Saran's dish had no focus. Sandee's mojito flower garnish was obtrusive. Norman doesn't want to pull aside something that's just there for looks. Really? That's the entire reason she's in the bottom three? Whatever. She makes a funny "Aw....crap!" face. Micah is also in the bottom three, for preparing an "unremarkable bit of food". She interviews about the "complete roller-coaster" of winning the first Quickfire, then falling to the bottom in the second. Now, to the top three. CJ's dish was "complex, but coordinated". Hung and Tre continue their winning streak by also being in the top three, Hung for his flavors, and Tre for his smart thinking. So, Sandee's flower is enough to put her in the bottom three, but CJ leaves seeds strewn throughout his food, and he's in the top. Casey gets taken to task for not enough focus on the citrus, yet we never even heard a single citrus ingredient that went into Tre's, and he's in the top. I sense my respect for Norman's opinion ebbing. Ultimately, Hung's prophecy comes true, and he wins the Quickfire and immunity. The other chefs applaud. Tre looks peeved. Joey thinks he did a tremendous job on his dish, and he's pissed he's not in the top three. Joey pissed off? I'm shocked. Also, I'll remind you that aside from the shot, he made...a salad. Just like Lia. And Dale. And Saran. And Howie. Not exactly head above the crowd, there, Joe.

Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that they'll be celebrating sunshine in another way. The chefs will be cooking at a glamorous champagne barbecue, thrown by another guy in the Miami Food Pantheon named Lee Somethingorother. Hung recognizes the name. The specific challenge is to come up with an upscale barbecue entree that will be served to the "sexy and sophisticated" crowd at the party. The chefs will have $200 to shop, two hours to prep tonight, and two hours to cook at the party itself. LabRat: "You can't make good barbecue in two hours." Tre is from Texas, and says that gourmet barbecue is right up his alley. Howie says he's got to claw his way back to the top by impressing Miami socialites. I enjoy how utterly unimpressed he sounds about the party, while still recognizing that he's got to kiss a little ass.

Commercials. "There She Goes" is officially overplayed as background music. Plus, I heard it's about heroin addiction, so stop using it as some hippy-dippy ode to womanhood.

When we return, it's time to go shopping at "Fresh Market". Not shown? "Rotten Market" next door. I guess they wouldn't pony up the cash for product placement. Saran recaps the challenge. The fact that she's being given so much screentime this episode does not give me great confidence in her continued participation on this show. Chefs stampede to the meat counter. Sandee asks for lobster tail. Saram opts for Italian sausage. Casey explains to us that everyone went to the meat counter first because the entire dish is likely to be centered around whatever protein is bought. Makes sense, although wouldn't the chefs have some idea of what they were going to buy before they got to the store? I guess they didn't want to risk putting off going to the meat counter, then finding out the other chefs have snagged all the pork chops or whatever. Casey asks CJ's opinion about how many slices of meat can come off one piece. He's buying the same meat, and tells Casey he's not helping her out on this one. Casey takes it gracefully, tossing a little ghetto-speak in for good measure. Hung buys flank steak. Brian sees the other chefs buying red meat, and chooses to buy seafood instead. "Go big or go home," he says. Tally mark!

Micah is wandering around kind of aimlessly. Instead of buying meat, she's picking through the produce. She says she feels like dog shit, and is in a foul mood in general because she misses her daughter. As far as meat goes, she just buys the first one she comes across, which happens to be lamb. Saran buys rib-eye, saying she's going to do a Vietnamese barbecue dish, which will be great if it works out. She asks for twenty pounds of meat, and Hung reminds her that 20 times 10 is 200. I guess that means the rib-eye is $10 a pound, and if she gets that much, she won't be able to buy anything else. She swears, and cancels half the order. Yeah, Saran is having some issues this week. Shopping montage. Hung dashes around. CJ can't find his shopping cart. Everyone checks out.

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs start their two hours of prep time. People spring into their slicing and chopping as fast as they can. Hung runs around some more. Someone cut down on his intake of Pixy Stix. He gives the required interview about how immunity doesn't mean anything, and he's still going to blow everyone away. Just once, I'd love to see a chef say "I have immunity, so I'm not going to bust my hump here." Hung opens a refrigerator, and a dish falls out and crashes on the ground. "I didn't do it!" he Family Circuses. Lia describes Hung's sprints around the Kitchen as dangerous. Probably, but I'll bet it'll lead to some entertaining collisions. Hung wipes up the mess, then goes back to his food. Brian throws his seafood into the blender to start making sausage out of it. He seems fairly confident that it'll work out all right. Tre is working on another salmon dish. This one is glazed with peaches.

Limecrete: "That looks good."
Tiffany: "Oh, you like anything with salmon. He could put crap on top and you'd like it."

Tre interviews that he's not arrogant or pompous, but that he's a serious competitor, and doesn't lose. Um, that sounds pretty arrogant and pompous to me. Being a serious competitor means giving your all whether you win or not. He tells Micah the folks back in Texas will be none too pleased if he doesn't excel at a barbecue challenge. Chopping montage. Sandee eschews regular barbecued chicken, and is trying for a more upscale route by preparing lobster pancetta with vanilla bean bacon butter sauce. My arteries just seized in terror. Micah is still not in the best mood. She shrugs that if she gets eliminated, at least she can go home and see her daughter. Yes, we must all once again decry that practice of men driving around in white vans, kidnapping people and forcing them to be on reality shows at gunpoint. Casey interviews that she wasn't sure if Micah's just upset about missing her daughter, or is still unhappy about screwing up the Quickfire Challenge. Casey is fast becoming the Greek chorus of this season. As she works, Micah tears up a bit. Hung disdains her crying, saying that she shouldn't use her daughter as an excuse.

Limecrete: "I hate to say it, but I'm with him on this one."
LabRat: "He's still an ass."

Ten minutes left. Howie is preparing Jamaican jerked pork. He's worried that it may not be elegant enough for the challenge, but it's too late to turn back now. He talks about being a perfectionist, and not stopping until everything's right. Saran slices Scotch Bonnet peppers, not knowing that they're one of the hottest peppers in the world. She soon finds out, as even allowing them to touch her skin sends her running for the cold water. Time runs short. Hey, who's that lady wandering around the Kitchen? They really shouldn't let just anyone off the street get in the way of... Oh, that's Camille, who has yet to utter a single word this week. Chefs start packing up their food. Time runs out. Saran wanted to pickle some cucumbers overnight, but knows that the Scotch bonnets that are mingling in there will make them inedible. At this point, I'm totally convinced Saran's getting eliminated tonight. Well, at least she realizes she shouldn't serve the peppers, and isn't all "Oh, who cares? I'll just let the guests set their tongues on fire."

Commercials. No, Jerry doesn't need Quiznos. What Jerry needs is some reconstructive surgery to get rid of the most disturbing pair of lips I've ever seen on a human being.

The next morning, Tre does pushups. Hung does pushups. Because they're competitive with each other, but so far above everyone else! Get it? You guys, if Hung and Tre turn out to be the final two, I'm gonna be kinda pissed. Please don't telegraph the winners from the first freaking episode. Joey and Sandee chat about being able to serve all sixty guests. Sandee doesn't think it'll be a problem. Joey goes back in, and Sandee does a bit of kickboxing, as she voices-over about wanting to come back from her low Quickfire placement to win. I wish she'd started that kickboxing while Joey was still standing in front of her. Brian and Hung decide to dress up a bit, given the "upscale" challenge they're participating in. Everyone else seems rather tickled by that. No wonder. Dale looks like he's about to dance in the "Physical" video. Saran is stressed out. She doesn't want to embarrass herself or damage her reputation. Yeah, let's ask Betty how business has been since she showed the world how unprofessional she is. The chefs head out.

Bikini-clad babes stroll up and down the beach. All the men are in those long-ass board shorts, of course. Sigh. The chefs haul their coolers of food into the party site. It's got a pool on one side and the shore on the other. There's a grill set up for each of the contestants, along with bag upon bag of lovingly product-placed charcoal. Everyone stakes out a grill. The two hours of cooking time begins. Being out by the water has calmed Micah down, and she starts to feel better. Saran and Micah have issues getting their charcoal lit. I admit I prefer to let others get the flame going myself, but isn't it just stacking the charcoal in a pyramid, dousing it with lighter fluid, and setting it ablaze? Saram attempts to overcome the child safety button on her lighter. Hehe. CJ hunches over his food, telling Lia that no offense, but this is about the only time he wishes he were 5'3". Yeah, I often wish I were taller, but there are some advantages to being short. Let's see you try and stretch out in an airplane seat, CJ! Someone closes the lid on some mighty tasty-looking sausages.

Ptom stops by to do a little Ptimewasting. I'm not sure why Ptom has such an attachment to leaving an extra button open on his shirt all the time, but I wish he'd stop. I guess I should just count myself lucky he's not going for another animal print. He verifies that Hung isn't going to sit back and enjoy his immunity. Tre is throwing his salmon on the grill when Ptom stops by. He's not nervous in the least, saying he could do this in his sleep. Not that he's arrogant or pompous! Ptom asks Brian what he's up to. Brian's brain: "Like I'd tell you, so you can rake me over the coals (pun intended) later if I have to deviate a bit from the original plan." Brian's voice: "It's a surprise." Ptom's a bit put out. Joey is making grilled chicken drumsticks. No, really. The same chicken drumsticks you could buy in the dive bar down the street. The same chicken drumsticks you could make in your backyard in twenty minutes while getting plowed on hard cider. Ptom straight out asks him if he thinks it's gourmet enough for the challenge. Joey says it isn't, but that it's barbecue, so it's supposed to be fun. Uh, huh. Micah and the hat she stole from my grandfather tell Ptom that she hopes she'll be on her game for this one.

More beautiful shots of grilled meat that make me glad I just ate dinner. Ptom doesn't understand what Sandee's doing. Her lobster doesn't make use of the grill at all, which makes her food seem out of place, or as Ptom puts it, it's like "putting lipstick on a pig". I thought that expression meant unsuccessfully trying to make something beautiful out of something ugly, not that something's out of place. Never mind. In the time it took me to type that, I completely lost interest. Ptom believes Howie started cooking his pork too early, and that it may turn out dry. Bottom line -- whoever is the most organized will come out on top. Thanks for that fascinating insight. Cooking montage. The judges come in, followed closely by the party guests. Saran decides to relax and have fun. Slip them some of the hell peppers, Saran! No such luck. Guests approach the chefs to load up on food. Brian does a good job of serving and schmoozing at the same time. And then... Hey, Camille gets to talk! Wow! She says she had some problems cutting up her food to serve while keeping the grill going. She's made grilled swordfish with chorizo, and an artichoke potato salad. That sounds really good, though the shot they show of it isn't very appetizing.

Micah says it's more difficult serving sixty people than it would be to serve ten or fifteen. Another fascinating insight! The things I learn from this show. She's made lamb with grilled halloumi (Greek cheese), fire roasted tomato, and pomegranate sauce. The guests seem to love it. Lia has made a lettuce wrap with grilled shrimp and an Israeli couscous salad. Zzzzz. Casey has made strip steak with a smoked Cheddar polenta, some shrimp wrapped in bacon, and a tomato salad. I'd be curious to try that polenta. Ptom approves. CJ has made New York steak with salt-baked pineapple, a lentil puree, and dirty rice. Sounds great, though again, the shot of the steak they show us makes it look fatty and gross. Saran presents her Vietnamese barbecue, which is rib-eye with pine nuts on top of a radish/cucumber salad. It's very pretty. Padma loves it. Brian finally lets the judges in on his seafood sausage, which is made up of scallops, shrimp, and seabass. There's also a ginger/jicama slaw with a chili glaze. Padma tells Brian he has very nice sausage. And she likes the food, too! *rimshot*

Tre presents his peach-glazed salmon, which is on top of a crab and avocado salad. A guest takes a bite, curses, and hurriedly puts the plate down, telling Tre he needs some acid on the dish. Rude, much? It tickles me how much this show tries to pass off parties as upscale and classy, then fills them with guests who are crass, pretentious jerks. Sandee serves her poached lobster, which is wrapped in dates and served on a black truffle slaw. Aren't black truffles horrifically expensive? How did she get those? CJ interviews that setting lobster that's been braised the day before on a grill that's not being used isn't a barbecue dish. I have to agree. Gail stops by Howie's grill to try his Jamaican jerk pork tenderloin, which has mango slaw and a citrus vinaigrette on top. Howie realizes that his pork is, indeed, a bit dry. He knows he hasn't done the best on this challenge, but hopes it won't be a disaster, either. Joey interviews that he heard that Howie's meat tasted like sawdust, and if you try something like that in New York, you're going home. Oh, is Joey from New York? New York is where Joey hails from? The city in which Joey lives is called New York? But wait... What city does Joey consider home? Oh, well. I'm sure I'll figure it out one of these days.

Speaking of Spokane Joey, he serves up his grilled chicken drumsticks. His effort to make it upscale is calling it "Korean", though we never hear what makes it such. There's also a charred corn, tofu, and bean sprout salad. A random guest likes it. Hung serves Norman. First off is a drink which is made of champagne, watermelon, citrus, and berries. Then there is flank steak with grilled corn salad (that also incorporates heirloom tomatoes), and bagel chips. That all sounds good, but there's nothing very special about it. Anchorage Joey is pissed off, because Hung's made the "fucking exact same fucking thing" he made in the Quickfire. Except that Hung used champagne, not Grand Marnier. And there are berries in Hung's drink, and there weren't in Oakland Joey's. In fact, the only thing that's the same is the watermelon. No matter. Lansing Joey is convinced that Hung is a "kiss-ass" and moved to Vegas, because he can't "hang" in New York. New York! That's where Joey's from! Man, I wish he didn't keep it such a secret. He should tell us more often that he's from... Oh, darn. I've forgotten again. Hung interviews that there's always watermelon at a barbecue. Indeed, I went to one this past weekend, and made sure to take some watermelon along with me. But I guess once someone has used watermelon, anyone using it from then on is a giant copycat. And Phoenix Joey's got the trademark on Top Chef watermelon, right? Oh, wait. Knoxville Joey throws in some passive-aggressive barbs at Hung, who sniffs in an interview about how he didn't realize Salt Lake City Joey had a "patent" on it. That's three times this week I've found myself on Hung's side. That can't be good. Casey rolls her eyes and interviews that when it comes to Helena Joey, things going wrong are "always somebody else's fault". It does my heart good to see that the rest of the chefs hate him as much as I do. The guests leave, and Padma thanks the chefs, then nags them to clean up.

Commercials. No. "Greatest actresses of our time" and "Claire Danes" do not intersect at any point.

Judges' Table. The judges enjoyed the barbecue, and agree that tonight's decision is going to be tough, because nobody did an out-and-out bad job. Everyone's food was "of a certain standard". Gail thinks Hung's dish was probably the simplest. Tre, who's been a strong performer up to now, didn't do so well today. Padma found his fish salty, while the other chefs take the opposite tack, and found it bland. They all agree with Rude Woman that he needed some acid. Which is exactly what was wrong with his hamachi last week. Get hip to the acid, Tre! Sandee's dish wasn't barbecue. Padma loved Brian's seafood sausage, and Norman thinks it encompassed the "high-end" part of the challenge quite nicely. Gail enjoyed the flavor and utility of Saran's dish. Ptom liked it a lot as well. So, she's not getting eliminated? Wow, they pulled the wool over my eyes on that one. Micah's flavor combinations and presentation were good.

Padma comes back to the Kitchen and gravely summons Saran, Brian, and Micah to the table. They're nervous, although I don't believe they've ever brought out the bottom chefs first. They're pleased to hear they're the top three. Saran is looking awfully shiny this evening. She's very charming as she tells the judges how surprised and honored she is. She tells them she wanted to make something simple and elegant. Gail tells her how she appreciated how easy to eat it was. Brian's "eccentric" ideas may not have worked in last week's challenge, but turned out nicely this time around. Micah says that lamb is as important to a South African barbecue as hamburgers and hot dogs are to an American one. Gail tells her the pomegranate sauce added a brightness to the dish that "took it to the next level". Tally mark! Norman is gratified that Saran and Micah, who were in the bottom of the Quickfire Challenge, managed to spring back. Not gratified enough that either of them win, though. Brian takes the victory. Requisite interview about how it's great to win, but that there's no sitting back and relaxing in this competition.

Padma sends the top three back to the Kitchen. The chefs clap for Brian. Saran tells them that the judges would like to see Howie, Indianapolis Joey, Sandee, and Tre. They file into the judging room. Padma informs them that they're the bottom four. Tre is asked why he thinks he's there, and he correctly identifies the salt issue. Norman says that his expectations of Tre were high for this challenge, and that perhaps Tre phoned this in a bit. I think that's exactly what happened. Tre's been floating along on a cloud of his own awesomeness, and got cocky. I'm hoping this splash of reality will bring him down a peg or two, so that I can like him. Chicago Joey thinks that making chicken wasn't elegant enough. Gail clarifies that making chicken is fine; it's that he did nothing special with it that's the problem. Also, his food was extremely hot, and hard to pick up. He says he'll do better next time. Sandee is shocked she's in the bottom four. Ptom tells her it's because she really didn't prepare barbecue, and that he couldn't really taste her lobster. That sounded dirtier than I intended. Sandee nods. Norman says that the sweetness of the dates crushed the delicacy of the lobster. Gail agrees that all she could taste was the butter. Sandee apologizes for disappointing the judges. Howie guesses that his dish was too simple, and that his food may have been dry. Gail asks what he'll take from this if he doesn't get eliminated. He says that he hasn't cooked to his full potential yet.

Padma asks Dayton Joey if he tasted any of the other bottom-placed chefs' food. He tasted Tre's and Sandee's. So who should be sent home? Howie. Hahahahaha! With every word, he becomes a bigger moron. His reasoning is that this is the second time Howie's been in the bottom, and also that he heard that Howie's pork was dry. Padma reiterates that Lincoln Joey never tasted Howie's food. Nope, it's just word of mouth. Howie snaps that Des Moines Joey has done a lot of complaining in the last twenty-four hours, and that if Howie gets eliminated, Raleigh Joey will join him soon enough, because leadership isn't about "pointing fingers". OK, I agree he's an ass, but the judges did ask him who should go home. It's not like he just volunteered this opinion. Of course, Lee Anne was asked that question multiple times, and managed not to be a dick about it. Padma dismisses the chefs.

Back in the Kitchen, Boise Joey decides he's not going to take Howie's criticism lying down (because being in a competition "brings out the animal in him". Translation: "Trying to cover up the fact that I'm a dickwad would take too much time and energy"). He tells Howie to "be a man". I guess that means meekly accepting Joey's suggestion that Howie go home after admitting he didn't even try the food? Howie yells back that Pierre Joey should be the fucking man, because he's not going to get shredded with the judges, then come back to the Kitchen and shake your hand. I never saw any indication that Baltimore Joey wanted to be friendly once they came back to the Kitchen, but whatever. He goes for the ultimate reach when he says that Howie's lucky that both he and Norman are from Florida (unlike Joey, who's from somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, if I remember correctly). Yeah, that's totally what'll save him. Geographic similarity. I wasn't kidding when I said that Augusta Joey gets stupider with every word he utters. I'm kind of excited to see how far it'll go. They snipe a little more, and Howie completely shuts Reno Joey down. Awesome.

Deliberations. The challenge was upscale barbecue. Sandee's wasn't barbecue. Little Rock Joey's wasn't upscale. Tre's wasn't the best, but he at least worked within the challenge's parameters. Howie shot himself in the foot. Ptom seems like he wants to cut Howie loose. Norman thinks that the bar has been raised, and that even the winners won't be resting easy. Ptom wonders which is the greater sin: not being barbecue enough, or not being upscale enough.

Commercials. The results of the traditionally stupid phone-in poll are blank. Maybe people finally found the good taste not to waste their money on it.

Elimination. Padma says that the decision was a difficult one. Ptom says that none of the dishes were terrible, so they have to judge on the challenge criteria. Tre's was less than successful, but reasonable. Atlanta Joey's was lowbrow. Sandee didn't barbecue. Howie's wasn't upscale enough, and the flavors were lacking. Though the decision was tough, the judges did ultimately reach one. Sandee. Please pack your knives and go. Crap. She leads the loser chefs back into the Kitchen, where the other chefs cheer. Odd. I guess they're cheering because they think Sandee's safe, but that's kind of an assy thing to do. She immediately clears up the misconception by shaking her head sadly. The chefs are completely shocked. Hung, of all people, interviews that Sandee is a really cool girl, and everyone was sorry to see her go. She hugs everyone good-bye, and they applaud her as she goes, which may be the first time that's ever happened. In her final interview, she says that she knew she wouldn't be in the upper echelon of contestants, but that she has a lot of opportunities ahead of her. She says we may not see her on television, but we'll sure see her in the kitchen. She grins. Aw, she seems pretty awesome. I'm pleased that the elimination was once again based on challenge performance, and not some weird criterion the judges made up at the last minute, but it'd have been nice to keep her around for a while.

Overall Grade: B+

First Impressions

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 1

Previously on Top Chef: Harold won a season, then opened a successful restaurant. Ilan won a season, got publicly shunned, then got an even stupider haircut. Sometimes, life shakes out exactly as it should. We're back for the third go-round, and let's all hope that this season is full of people trying to be chefs, rather than taking part in some odd contest to see who most deserves to get pushed into a lake of sulfuric acid. Ready? Hit it!

New season, new city. Padma voices-over that the fifteen new contestants will need strategy, determination, and a thick skin. She means thick skin to ward off judges' criticisms, but it'd also probably help when your index finger inadvertently lands on a hot burner. Ptom is back as head judge (eh...okay) and observer (feh), and will be joined by the usual suspects (Padma herself and Gail Simmons) along with visits from Ted Allen. There is an extremely unfortunate shot of Gail with the ugliest hairdo I've ever seen in my life. It's like mall bangs, a femullet, and wild frizz all rolled into one. What the hell, Simmons? Shots of the new chefs toasting each other, and some of the usual food panic in the new Kitchen, which looks fifty times nicer than last season's. Apparently, Kenmore was a crappy-ass sponsor, because this season, it's all about Evian. Awaiting the winner will be a feature in Food and Wine, a showcase in Aspen, a vacation in the French Alps, and $100,000. Hey, not bad. To the credits!

Opening credits. They're helpful for matching faces with names, but are otherwise unremarkable, so I'll replace them with credits of my own. Last season, I watched this alone on the couch, usually with a wad of bachelor food like microwave popcorn or if I was feeling really fancy, some spaghetti. This season, however, was kicked off over at Timiffany's place, where they made a very tasty cheese fondue that LabRat and I supplied with apple slices, cubed bread, and some insanely good andouille sausage that LabRat cooked. If awesomely tasty snackums become a weekly ritual, I won't even care if the contestants are jerks. I'll be busy getting fat and happy.

Miami. Home of golden girls, a sound machine, and some vice. Not to mention skimpy bathing suits, which they rather unfairly only show on female bodies. Contestants begin to arrive at the airport.

Sara Mair is a thirty-three-year-old chef and cheese maker from Jamaica, who says that when it comes to food, she tries to think "outside of the box". Good God, I never thought I'd have to start the Irritating Reality Show Cliche list so early. Oh, well. Tally mark!

Clay Bowen is a twenty-seven-year-old sous chef originally from Columbus, Mississippi. He's got the accent to prove it. He thinks he'll be the dark horse of the competition, as he's never attended a culinary school. He feels that Southern cooking hasn't been well-represented on this show (and he's right -- the closest we ever came to it was Mia, and she was from freaking California), but will blow the judges away. Incidentally, Clay is kind of cute.

Joey Paulino is a twenty-nine-year-old executive chef from New York City. He's got the accent to prove it. He's pretty much a walking stereotype, what with the cross chain and the swearing and the New York snobbery and the promise that any prize money will go straight to mama. He and I are not off to a good start.

Dale Levitski is a thirty-three-year-old chef and "consultant" who's trying to open up his own place in Chicago, Illinois. He says you have to cook from the heart, and is using the contest for personal validation. Oof, televised contests are never good for that. They seem to be such ego-crushing experiences. Dale has a mohawk, and while I'd love to insert my usual snide joke about attention-seeking hair, it works well on him. All right, fine. He's cute.

Tre Wilcox is a thirty-year-old chef from Dallas, Texas. He would like you to know that he has passion. And rather than just telling you he has passion, or heaven forfend, demonstrating it, he's decided to take a shortcut and just have "GOTTAHAVEPASSION" tattooed on his arm. Wow. I'd love to get all the qualities I think are important to being a good person tattooed on my body, too, but unfortunately, I can't find a good place for "Don't get dumbass tattoos". Maybe he's just got the same condition as Leonard in Memento, and if he doesn't constantly look at his arm, he'll forget he's supposed to care about his work.

Chefs start arriving at a beautiful mansion that looks strangely familiar. As Sara Nguyen explains, it's the former home of Gianni Versace. Ah, yes. This is the place he was gunned down in cold blood. How tasteful of them to gather for a party here.

Hung Huynh is a twenty-nine-year-old executive sous chef from Las Vegas, Nevada. "Executive sous chef"? Isn't the sous chef like an underchef? How can you be an executive when your very title implies that you work under someone else? Is this like "executive assistant" being a fancy term for secretary? Maybe executive sous chefs boss around the other sous chefs, but "middle management" wasn't an impressive enough title. Anyhow, Hung is very proud of being an asshole. I'm not just being cranky. He literally says he's a CPA; a "certified professional asshole". Then he giggles. Insert slow clap. Tiffani was from Vegas, as was Marcel. Will they not hire you to work in a kitchen in Vegas if you're not a complete douchebag? I begin my countdown to the inevitable moment that Hung claims he didn't come here to make friends.

Micah Edelstein is a thirty-two-year-old caterer, who says that cooking is an art form, and nobody told Michaelangelo how to paint. Yes, well. Give us the food equivalent of David or the Sistine Chapel, and I'm sure people will stop telling you how to cook. In the meantime, where's my steak? But I kid Micah. She seems sweet (and she sure is purty). She reminds me a little bit of Andrea. That probably means Ptom is going to hate her. Actually, scratch that. You know who she reminds me of? Kara Janx. No wonder I already sort of like her.

Sandee Birdsong is a thirty-nine-year-old chef from Miami, Florida. She joins Dale in the mohawk brigade, and as with him, it totally works on her. Pretty! It sounds like she became a chef fairly recently. She bounds cheerfully up to the very spot Versace was shot. Aw, how fun!

An array of appetizers is set out, and the contestants graze on them as they introduce themselves to each other.

Lia Bardeen is a twenty-seven-year-old executive sous chef (another one!) from New York City, New York. She says drive is more important than experience. She's boring.

Chris "CJ" Jacobson is a thirty-one-year-old private chef. He's in remission from cancer, has a false testicle, is raring to go, and appears to be about nine feet tall. He is the opposite of boring. He's also impossibly cute. Where did they find these people?

Chefs chitchat. CJ explains to us that in the middle of all this, "[Ptom] and Padma walks out". Oof. How will he ever pair wine and food if he can't even pair subjects and verbs? Ptom and Padma gather the chefs. Saran (that's Sara N, to distinguish her from Sara M) is wearing a cadet blue blouse that comes down to her upper thighs, and what appears to be denim capri pants with the bottoms rolled up. It's like she wandered back to 1991, put a blindfold on, got dressed, then came to the party. Padma welcomes everyone to Miami and introduces Ptom. Shots of the chefs with polite smiles. Ptom opens with almost the same speech as last year, about how he's not Tim Gunn, so stop pretending he is. Tiffany and I have a little pissing match, and she threatens to throw me out of the house, because she loves Ptom, and while my intense hatred of him has certainly mellowed, he's still not invited to my birthday party. He wishes the chefs luck, and Padma announces that the party's over. Micah and the hat she stole from my grandfather look around in surprise. Padma explains that the chefs are being dropped right into their first Quickfire. Everyone's shocked. Howie Kleinberg (thirty-one-year old executive chef) interviews that nobody had their knives, and that all of the girls are in high heels, so it's not exactly the most appropriate time to get cookin'.

Too bad, suckas! Quickfire Challenge. Padma explains that the challenge will be to make an amuse-bouche out of the appetizers that everyone's been snacking on. And they only have ten minutes to do it. Casey Thompson (twenty-nine-year-old executive chef, and yet another pretty face) explains that an amuse-bouche is something that you start off with, and that sets the tone of the meal. Usually it's just a bite or two. Padma also tells the chefs to make something that's representational of who they are as chefs. You know, as far as someone can represent him or herself with only stuff like half-eaten chicken skewers as a medium. Padma gives the windup, and... Go! Chefs scatter. Lia explains something about the adrenaline rush of a Quickfire, but she's so boring that I tune most of it out. People arrange things creatively on plates. Brian Malarkey (thirty-four-year-old executive chef, and yet another (semi) pretty face) talks about the available foods, such as various cheeses, deli meats, and deviled eggs. Mmm...we're getting into deviled egg season, aren't we? Sweet. Dale flutters around. He appears to be as gay as a Maypole. Sandee tries to thin-slice some kumquat with a plastic knife. It doesn't go well. Micah interviews that she intentionally stayed away from the oysters, as too many other people were working with them. Chaos, chaos, chaos. Time runs out.

Ptom and Padma go down the line. Most of the food looks quite good. We don't get to hear what everyone's made, but Sandee's amuse-bouche goes over well. Howie has arranged poached shrimp with heirloom tomatoes, and topped it off with champagne basil vinaigrette. Padma asks him how he found the challenge. "Short and challenging," he answers. Yeah, that's what LabRat says when people ask him to describe me. Micah calls her amuse-bouche "Tuscan Sushi Revisited". Tuscany and sushi really aren't two concepts I'd ever put together in my head, but her presentation is very pretty. It's Italian ham with figs, Gorgonzola cheese, and balsamic dressing. Sounds good. Another pretty woman we've seen a thousand shots of but still haven't been introduced to stands around looking nervous and impatient. Dale has taken beef tenderloin, and topped it with blue cheese, radish, and sea salt. The presentation is lacking, but the four of us agree that anything with sea salt can't be all bad. Clay has made fruit gazpacho, which is served in a hastily hollowed-out apple. The entire apple is filled with fruit, and Ptom points out that what Clay has made is more like a first course than an amuse-bouche. Casey pissily interviews that she's an executive chef, and thus knows what an amuse-bouche is, while Clay clearly didn't. Settle down, lady.

Saram has arranged oyster with pineapple and smoked salmon. Hmm. I like all those things, but can't really imagine how they'd taste together. She neatly plays off the asinine "represent yourself as a chef" aspect of the challenge by saying the pineapple brings in the tropical side of her cooking personality. Ptom enjoys her amuse-bouche. Hung has prepared hamachi with creamy egg rice, grapes, chili sauce, olives, and pesto vinaigrette. Ah, the Stephen method. Throw a hundred exotic ingredients together, and you can't go wrong. The judges seem to approve. Tre has put hamachi, avocado, strawberries, and champagne into an oyster shell. Sounds pretty nasty. Heh, I like how he calls it "hamachi tartare" as if that were a stylistic choice he made, rather than not being able to cook anything. The judges thank him. Clay finishes off a bottle of champagne.

The chefs gather to hear the results. Ptom thinks everyone did a good job on their first challenge, considering what a curveball it was. Padma asks for the bad news first. Dale's cheese was "a little too aggressive" for a first bite. Clay's food was good, but the size and amount of food was off-balance. Tre's champagne should have been made into a vinaigrette, because hamachi requires more acid or something. Tre's a bit depressed to be in the bottom three, and says that nobody can be harder on him than himself. Aw. He should go out and get "THISTOOSHALLPASS" tattooed on his other arm. Now, the good news. The three favorites are Micah, Saram, and Hung. Ptom says that the winner's food had balance, and that the personality really came through. And the winner is... Micah. She interviews that her win won't change anything about her performance in the upcoming Elimination challenge, even though she's "golden". Ah, yes. Due to her Quickfire win, Micah is now immune from elimination this week. Padma lets them know that the Elimination Challenge will be the next day, then sends them on their way. Can they really not have introduced that fifteenth chef yet? Buuuurn! Well, the credits called her Camille, and she's no doubt thinking "Those fucking fuckers" as she watches this now.

The resort the contestants are staying at is beautiful. They are in the penthouse, which is incredibly swank. Large bathrooms! Beach views! Living room area! Wraparound deck! Hot tub! Jeez, remember those horrible, Spartan rooms with the cheapass bunk beds the people last season had to put up with? Kenmore must be the worst sponsor on Earth. Clay thinks the city is beautiful, and can't wait for the sun to go down so he can see the city lights. Time-lapse photography grants his wish. That evening, the chefs hash out the Quickfire, and Clay asks some others if they thought he'd go down in flames when they saw his hollowed-out apple. The general consensus seems to be "Yep". Dale interviews that Clay "had trouble moving on" from the Quickfire, and isn't looking too good. Cripes, folks. He served an apple, not the blood of a virgin milkmaid. And it's perfectly natural to discuss the challenge you just finished. Clay agrees he's in trouble, though, saying that being in the bottom three has put him "on the radar". He tells the other chefs they'll miss him if he gets kicked off, which is a bit of wishful thinking, as it'll be hard to miss someone you've known for all of a day. He interviews that him winning the competition would have meant a lot to his father, who was also a chef. The business "got the better of him", and he committed suicide. Clay predicts that it'll work out for him, even if it didn't work out for his father. Eesh. Awwwwwkward.

Commercials. Yeah, Paula Abdul should really have rented The Comeback before she agreed to that show.

Morning. The chefs get out of bed a lot more cheerfully than I would. Waking up to a camera in my face is not my idea of a good time. Saram and Sandee chat in the kitchen. Howie interviews that he's more than willing to socialize, but that he's more interested in the competition. Joey and Hung slip into their official coats. Hung interviews that he doesn't give a shit where everyone's from or what they do. Yeah, you're the villain. We get it. Let me know if you manage to do anything remotely interesting with that role. So far, Tiffani could totally evil this guy into the ground. Everyone files out.

Elimination Challenge. Chefs come into the Kitchen, which is bright, shiny, and well-equipped. I just can't get over how much nicer everything is this year. Maybe this is why the contestants last season were such grumps. Anyway, the chefs line up. I like Casey's headscarf, though I'm not sure how practical it'll be when she's sweating over a hot stove. Lia interviews that there were a lot of different proteins laid out on the counter. And how. The ingredients are very unusual, from rattlesnake to something that looks like a black chicken carcass. CJ furrows his brow. Clay gapes at everything. Ptom and Padma explain that today's Elimination Challenge will be to take these odd ingredients and create a surf and turf platter. As if that weren't twist enough, there are only two portions of each protein available, and the chefs will be drawing knives to determine in what order they'll choose their ingredients. Saram - 12. Sandee - 8. Joey - 1. Brian - 13. Saran - 2. Clay - 3. Dale - 15. Poor, ignored Camille - 11. Hung - 13. Casey - 5. The other five knife draws aren't shown.

Joey wanders up to pick his proteins. Despite Ptom saying that using odd ingredients are a chef's chance to shine (and his obvious hatred for contestants he thinks are playing it too safe), Joey opts for standard buffalo rib-eye and scorpion fish. Other chefs grab ingredients. The chefs with later picks are dismayed to see the easier proteins vanish. Howie grabs some sea urchin. Brian gets applause for picking rattlesnake and eel. Tim and I agree that he should come up with a way to weave the two together. That'd be one awesome presentation. Saram is impressed. She takes geoduck (pronounced GOO-ee-duck), which I've never even heard of. Hung takes the other geoduck portion, along with that nastified black chicken. Dale has to choose last, and gets alligator tail and monkfish liver, neither of which he has ever worked with or even tasted. Yikes. The chefs will have thirty minutes and $30 to buy additional supplies, along with access to anything in the Kitchen pantry. Then they'll have two hours to prepare their dishes. Chefs #1-8 will cook first, then make way for chefs #9-15.

Ptom tells the chefs that the guest judge for this round is the "infamous" Anthony Bourdain, whose acid criticisms can be a lot of fun when he's not floating along on his cloud of self-satisfaction. The chefs freak out a bit, knowing what they're in for. CJ interviews that Anthony likes adventurous cuisine, and would be willing to eat the brain out of a live monkey. I'm glad that wasn't offered as one of tonight's ingredients. Howie (shown against the backdrop of an enormous CJ) says again that he's here to compete, and would be embarrassed to be the first person eliminated. Gee, think Howie might have some trouble in this challenge? The foreshadowing is so subtle. Ptom and Padma wish the chefs luck.

Commercials. Only two ads? I don't even have time to pee!

Tre recaps the challenge. The chefs are dropped at a local market for their half hour of shopping. It's an unfamiliar market, of course, so everyone's running around in a panic, trying to find what they need. Clay and Micah confer over the produce. The titles tell us that Clay is working with wild boar and scorpion fish, and Micah with monkfish liver and kangaroo. Since the titles on this show are notoriously awful, I'll believe it when I see it. Micah helps a flailing Clay find the okra, and tries to soothe his jangled nerves. Joey somehow sees this as her butting in, and interviews that if she tries to tell him what to do, he'll tell her to go fuck herself. Thanks, Joey, but I doubt Micah cares about your nerves, and that people generally try to avoid talking to you if at all possible. Back at the Kitchen, Padma dismisses chefs #9-15, then gives chefs #1-8 their two hours of prep time. Ready? Go!

Food panic. Sandee explains that two hours sounds like a lot of time, but not when you've got to do all your prep work, and you're running all over, bumping into other people. Joey interviews that he's a schedule freak, which I wish he hadn't said, because I'd rather not have anything in common with him. At any rate, he knows he's got to haul ass to be done on time. Howie starts leisurely working on his sea urchin and frog legs. He says he's not used to working with a time limit, since he's the head chef at his restaurant, and thus has final say as to when food is served. OK, but... I have to think the customers at his restaurant would like their food quickly, too. I mean, I know there isn't a literal countdown in his kitchen, but I'm not buying that he can't cope with a time limit. Sandee bashes some crab legs with a mallet. She's making crab and frog leg jambalaya. Sounds good. She's using an injector to fill the frog legs with a spicy seasoning. Mmm. In unrelated news, it can't be practical or comfortable to wear those rings and that watch while cooking. Joey tries to dress up the fact that he's making normal fish with normal meat. He also puts a hard H on "heirloom tomatoes". Man, you can tell I don't like a contestant when I start nitpicking every little thing they say and do. Eh, screw objectivity.

Oh, great. It's time for this season's first Ptimewasting with Ptom. He tells Clay he looks "under the weather". Clay plays it off by saying he's just a little sweaty. Ptom asks if Clay is worried that Anthony won't think boar and scorpion fish is adventurous enough, and Clay points out that he didn't know Anthony would be the judge until the ingredients were already chosen. Clay interviews that his cooking philosophy is that food should taste good. Um, thanks for that scintillating point of view. Ptom disapproves of the way Lia is deboning her boar, and tells her she has enough time to do it more cleanly. She sheepishly agrees. Howie tells Ptom that he's making sea urchin risotto, with some scorched sea urchin on top, and crispy frog leg lollipops. Sounds interesting. I'll have to try sea urchin one of these days; I'd probably like it. Clay announces that there's less than ten minutes left, so everyone goes into hyperdrive. Joey lets us know that he's from New York again, just in case we've forgotten. CJ's nervous. Howie realizes too late that he's in trouble. When time runs out, the sea urchin is plated, but he couldn't get the frog legs on there. He fumes around the Kitchen. CJ thinks this may be Howie's undoing in the competition. To his credit, Howie doesn't spew any claptrap about how the time limit was unfair, or that the equipment is faulty, or that one of the other chefs messed him up. He takes full responsibility for the mistake, and assumes that he'll be the one eliminated.

Commercials. Hey, a movie about temperamental chefs. Whatever gave them the idea to advertise during this show?

The first group of chefs comes into the dining room to present their food to the judges. I'm pleased to see Gail hasn't been struck by The Hair yet. Padma introduces the judges. Presentations. Joey has made seared buffalo rib-eye, grilled scorpion fish, a small Mediterranean salad, and some potato chips. Saran has made razor clams with sweet corn chowder, and buffalo rib-eye with black truffle sauce. I know we're not focusing much on her this episode, but that looks good. Clay has made pan-seared wild boar chops with a cornbread dressing that incorporates the scorpion fish. Lia has made rack of wild boar that is crusted with sesame chili and lentils, along with a sea urchin panna cotta. That sounds really good, too. Casey has made alligator fried steak and topped it with braised greens, along with some razor clams. CJ has made ostrich tartare (with horseradish), and some spider crabs with anise and tomato broth. Sandee talks about her frog legs injected with Cajun spice and the spider crab jambalaya. It looks really, really good. Howie presents his sea urchin and chanterelle risotto, and explains to the judges about how he ran out of time before he could get his frog legs plated. He voices-over about his embarrassment as he goes back to stand next to CJ, who's so tall, his head isn't even in the frame.

The chefs are dismissed, and the judges dig in. Lia, Sandee, and CJ's dishes get some nice compliments. Anthony likes Howie's sea urchin. Ptom says with some bemusement that Howie gave him the impression that everything was under control when he went in for his Ptimewasting segment. Gee, why would a contestant ever mislead Ptom about how things are going in the Kitchen? Could it be that they don't want to get Suyaied right out of the competition? Gail says that Clay's is her least favorite dish so far, because the boar meat is tough and the seasoning isn't right. Ptom agrees, calling it inedible. Anthony disdains the chops as well. The groups of chefs trade places, and the second group gets started. Hung immediately springs into his geoduck and black chicken preparation, and interviews that he didn't pay attention to anyone else. Thank God. The more people focus on their own food, the less chance there is of repeating the whole "What's Marcel doing now? OK, how about now?" kind of situation that was such bullshit last season. Hung says he's here to prove his skills, his "flavor profiles", and his techniques. One of said techniques is popping a piece of raw chicken into his mouth. Ew.

Brian describes the difficulty of the challenge. Tre hovers over Saram, marveling that he's never seen geoduck before. Dale reiterates the challenge of working with ingredients he's never tasted. He thinks he'll either rise to the top on pure moxie, or get chunked into the bottom three. Eh, just throw a shitload of garlic at it. That makes everything taste better. Brian talks about how his prep work took a lot longer, because he had to actually butcher the rattlesnake and eel, rather than just getting cooking like a lot of the other chefs. Take off your goddamn jewelry, people! Saram says that black chicken can get a little dry. I'll take her word for it. We're finally, finally introduced to Camille, who says that her specialty is simple food cooked right. She doesn't have much experience working with kangaroo and abalone, but she's feeling fairly confident right now.

Ptom stops by to do some Ptimewasting. Nothing he says is of any consequence. It ain't called Ptimewasting for nothing. Back in the Kitchen, Tre tastes whatever Hung is working on, and is mightily impressed. Time gets short. Tre gives the five-minute warning. Food panic. People run all over, and start plating their food. Time runs out, and that butchering must have taken Brian forever, because guess what? He can't get his food plated in time. As with Howie, he assumes that this spells his doom. The chefs come into the dining room to present their dishes. The judges sit there and try to look intimidating. Tre has made roasted ostrich fillet with an heirloom tomato risotto and abalone sauce. It looks very good, though probably not to anyone who likes their meat well-done. I likes me some blood, so it works for me. Brian doesn't even get the dignity of a subtitle, so I'll just approximate here. He cops to running short on time. Some of the rattlesnake and eel made it onto the plate, but not a lot. There's a "hair of Medusa eyes with fries", whatever that means. The sea eel is present, but the miso that was to go with it is not. There's also "electric venom soup". Again, I have no idea what that is, and they never explain it. It sounds like a flavor for one of those flash-in-the-pan super-caffeinated sodas like Jolt or Surge.

Camille has made abalone fritters that are crusted with spicy maple, and pan-seared kangaroo with an herb sauce. There's also a small salad. Sounds nice. Saram has braised the thigh and leg of the black chicken, and marinated the breast, then pan-seared it. The geoduck has been made into a ceviche with cucumber ribbons and red peppers. Hung's black chicken is slow-cooked, and the geoduck is raw and served with fennel. He's also made a sauce he says will bind both dishes together. Micah has made a trio of dishes. There's seared kangaroo on top of a sweet potato pudding, a poached egg topped with monkfish liver, and the third is an ostrich carpaccio with monkfish liver. No matter how disgusting you find these ingredients, she's made all three look beautiful. I'd love to try each and every one of those. Dale has made mustard-seared alligator tail, and has braised the monkfish liver with an apple hash. It's topped with some leek and shallot poached in olive oil. The chefs are dismissed. The judges eat. Ptom finds Tre's ostrich to be cooked perfectly and seasoned well. He pronounces "abalone" to rhyme with "stab alone". Anthony is impressed with Hung's food. Gail says that Dale's alligator is super-tough. Not good. Anthony says Brian's food would be better if he were drunk at a bar. I look forward to the day I can get fried rattlesnake at a local dive.

Commercials. Sir, if you don't want people looking at your computer screen, maybe you should refrain from doing all your business in a coffee shop. Self-entitled ass.

Judges' Table. The trend of swankified rooms continues here. No more of the card table in front of a hastily-erected red curtain. Everything is bright and shiny, and there's a window in front of a cityscape with TOP CHEF emblazoned on it. The judges agree that the chefs as a whole are at a very high level. Translation: "We are so sorry about last season." Anthony thought there were a lot of nice surprises. Still, we've got to separate some wheat from the chaff. Anthony thinks that the dishes that didn't work as well were due to nerves rather than technique or execution. Saram's presentation of the black chicken claw gets mixed reviews. Anthony thinks Hung's dish was pretty flawless, but Gail offers a very small criticism, in that the entire thing was very beige, and could have used some color for contrast. Tre's dish had plenty of color, and tasted wonderful to boot. Padma goes to the Kitchen to summon Hung and Tre to the Judges' Table. Tre interviews that he knew Hung would be in the top with him, and will continue to be throughout the competition. Heh. I like how that's ostensibly a compliment about Hung, but is really just an excuse to pat himself on the back.

Tre and Hung are told they're the top two. They show zero emotion, and Padma chides them about being allowed to smile. Hung is asked about his satisfaction, and he says his food turned out just the way he wanted. Well, sure. Even if it weren't true, of course he has to say that it came out just the way he wanted. To stand in the top two and say you weren't happy with the results is just asking for trouble. Padma brings up the lack of color, and Hung complains that not everything needs "full color", even if the eye eats first. Well, they weren't asking about full color. They were asking about any color. Tre pats himself on the back some more by telling the judges he knew he was "in the zone" and had "an edge" once the cooking started. Ptom asks if they tried each other's dishes. Tre says he was in love with Hung's geoduck. Hung giggles and thanks him. Padma points out that in both of the previous seasons, the winner of the first Elimination Challenge went on to win the entire season. "But no pressure," Gail says. Heh. Anthony stresses that both entries were good. If Hung's lacked anything, it was color. If Tre's lacked anything, it's that it was more conservative than Hung's. And the winner is... Tre. He is utterly unsurprised, though he's glad to redeem himself after his crappy performance in the Quickfire. His prize is Anthony's collected works, all signed, and the promise that next time Tre's in New York, the two of them will go out drinking together. Tre's face: "Um....great."

Back in the Kitchen, Howie tells Clay that if he gets eliminated, he'll be glad it's for something like running out of time, rather than putting out terrible food. Tre and Hung come in, with Hung proclaiming Tre's win. The chefs applaud. Tre dredges up the grace to look appreciative. He tells the chefs that the judges would like to see Howie, Brian, Clay, and Dale. Odd Asian music plays (along with the usual gong) to announce the losers' entrance into the judging room. They're informed they have the least favorite dishes of the challenge. Brian is asked why he thinks he's there. He admits that he got carried away by the "dueling snakes", and that his preparations were far too complicated for the time he had. He's asked why he fried his ingredients, and he says that the elasticity helped them stand up well to frying. Padma argues that everything stands up well to frying; that you could fry her toe and batter it, and it would taste good. Hehehe. LabRat nods sagely. He's lived in Georgia, so he knows from frying everything. There's some back and forth about keeping the meat on the bone, but what it comes down to is that Brian dithered too much over what he was doing, and the dish suffered because of it.

Dale explains his unfamiliarity with his ingredients. The chefs talk about their problems with the alligator's texture. Anthony is far more ticked about Dale trying to simply cruise through the challenge without being the worst, rather than striving to be the best. Well, there's only so much Dale can do when he gets last pick of exotic ingredients. Howie says that his frog legs didn't get plated in time because he wanted to recrisp them, and make sure that everything was right before it got served. Anthony goes into that tiresome watch-me-shred-this-guy mode, and asks Howie what his "major malfunction" is. He claims that the first rule in the restaurant business is to show up on time (which...not), and the second rule is to get the food out on time (again...not -- tell me you'd be more ticked off about food taking five minutes longer than you wanted than about food tasting like boiled sewer rat -- unless that's what you ordered). Howie, who is in a hopeless position here, pulls an absolutely genius move. He references Anthony's own books, quoting a passage about Ecuadorian line cooks who refuse to serve food until it's absolutely perfect. "You son of a bitch," Anthony says, clearly impressed. Me too. Go, Howie! Clay is asked why he thinks he's there, and he doesn't really know. He says he stands behind the dish, but that it obviously could have been better. That's not really standing behind it, Clay. The judges note that, along with the far more important fact that his chops sucked and the stuffing sucked. Anthony calls it a problem of "fundamentals". The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Brian screwed up two ingredients that should have been impressive. Anthony says it tasted fine, and Padma interrupts to say again that anything tastes good when fried. Another sage nod from LabRat.

Tiffany: "What does she know, anyway?"
Limecrete: "I think she wrote a cookbook or something."
Tiffany: "Anyone can write a cookbook. I can write The Asshole's Guide to Food right now."

Anthony sticks to his guns, saying that there wasn't an "egregious food crime" on the plate. So Brian's was unimpressive, but not offensively bad. Dale's alligator was tough, and his taste level may be a bit off, but his explanation of how his dish went wrong was feasible. Clay's an out-and-out mess. His food was bad, his explanations for his food were even worse, and he seems to be completely out of his league. Of course, so was Michael, and he lasted forever. Howie has no excuse for running out of time, though what he did include was very good. Whatever. The judges clearly couldn't be more in love with him at this point. Padma wonders which is worse: leaving off something good, like Howie did, or not leaving off something crappy, like Clay did. Like many people, I flashed back on Dave getting eliminated for failing to serve enough food in the first season, but as I said in the comments, Howie just didn't get the food on the plate in time. Dave didn't even know he was supposed to make a third dish. If Howie had been all, "Well, here's your surf -- whaddya mean I need to make a turf?", the situations would be more comparable. If Clay's food was that bad, I have no trouble thinking that should be more of a dealbreaker in this case. The judges seem to be thinking along the same lines, saying that while Howie certainly deserves his placement in the bottom four, he has more potential as a chef than Clay. They reach a decision.

Commercials. People who like watching dirt bike competitions and people who like shopping at Wal-Mart are certainly a good pairing, if you get my drift.

Elimination. Clay didn't "stand behind his dish" as he claimed. OK, no he didn't, but let's focus on flavor, please. As if he heard me, Ptom goes on to criticize the boar chops. Howie should have gotten the frog legs plated. Brian's dish was all over the place, and was really just a plate of fried food. Dale's alligator was unacceptable. The judges leave a nice, awkward amount of silence before the loser is announced. Clay. Please pack your knives and go. He thanks the judges for the opportunity. He's disappointed to be the first one eliminated. He hugs other chefs good-bye back in the Kitchen, and says he had some laughs, and even made some close friends in the short time he spent there. He gets some pity applause on his way out, and says that he's learned from his father to follow his heart and do what he knows is right. I really hope he doesn't...um...follow in his father's footsteps. He closes by saying he already feels like a top chef, and doesn't need a fancy title to prove it. Well, there's not having a fancy title, and there's being told you have inedible food. He seems sweet, but was clearly out of his depth here. Hey, look at that. The first person eliminated wasn't kicked out because they were a gratuitous asshole. Or because they (God forbid) showed some signs of shaky nerves in the first challenge. The first eliminated contestant went home because their food was lacking. Imagine that.

Next week on Top Chef: I'm afraid I have no idea, because the previews on this show give away far too much, so I never watch them. Still, this was a promising start to the season. Keep up the good work.

Overall Grade: A-