Sweet and Sour Mix

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 2

Previously on Just Desserts: Twelve pastry chefs arrived in a busy American city that's too full of secrets and intrigue to identify. A cupcake Quickfire threw Malika for a loop, while the Elimination Challenge featured more chocolate than a Showtime at the Apollo marathon. Grating personalities wasted no time in shredding nerves back at the loft. Heatherh took the first challenge, while Tania's gritty mousse made her Candyland's first murder victim. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In a gimmick I'm not sure I'll have the time or money to pull off, I'm hoping that our viewing party will be able to snack on a different dessert each week. The gummi bears I brought this week weren't half as impressive as the homemade chocolate chip cookies last week, but Panny saved the day with her mini pecan pies in phyllo dough that I'd step over my own mother to get at.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Morgan explains that he and Seth formed an instant bond, owing mostly to the fact that they both like chicks. Well, I certainly can't think of anything more substantial to base a friendship on. That's why guys generally fill out their side of the wedding party with dudes they bumped into at Hooters. Down in the kitchen, Tim takes on a mother hen role, getting the cranky awakening chefs settled with coffee. Seth calls his mother, who apparently lives in a sitcom, as her number starts with 555. She's had a rough time of it lately, owing to medical problems, but tells Seth she's getting better all the time. Of course she is! Sitcom characters can't be gravely ill. Seth begins to tear up in interview, already wandering up to the line between admirably devoted to her well-being and creepy overinvestment. Normally, I wouldn't be so blase about how he responds to his mother's condition, but... I've seen the rest of the episode.

Quickfire Challenge. The Kitchen is filled with a delightful array of penny candy, which brings back fond memories. I think my generation is pretty much the last set of kids to really buy candy-by-the-piece. No such thing as a butterscotch here and a piece of taffy there anymore. Not to mention packs of candy cigarettes, which I can't believe even existed, but which I loved. Oops, sorry. Candy is one of those things that easily makes me lose focus. Back to the show. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Elizabeth Faulkner. She usually seems to know what she's talking about, but I'm not her biggest fan. That's because Elizabeth Faulkner's biggest fan is Elizabeth Faulkner. Still, I get less annoyed with her each time she shows up, so how's that for progress? Heatherc still has that giant, distracting bandage on her forehead.

Today's Quickfire is deceptively simple: Make a dessert featuring penny candy. This can be challenging, because the chefs have to create a dish that surrounds something that already has a strong, distinct flavor. They can use as many or as few candies as they want, and have got an hour to put their desserts together. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go! Heatherh snaps up a piece of candy to try, and quickly discovers she doesn't like it, spitting it into the trashcan. Yeah, not all penny candy is great. Do they still even make those disgusting, pseudo-peanut butter taffies wrapped in black and orange wax paper that cheapass homeowners gave out on Halloween? Those were the worst. And circus peanuts! Ewwwwwww! Erika finds it as hard to focus on the challenge as I apparently do, because all she wants to do is dive into the candy and start eating. Heh. Malika watches the clock intently. Seth wants to use Atomic Fireballs, because his mom loves them, but can no longer eat them. They're a LabRat favorite as well, despite the fact that he almost choked to death on one.

Zac loves the challenge (and pastry prep in general), because he gets to take revenge on his vegan mother for never letting him eat sweets. Hehe. Danielle crafts a fun little gross-out project out of gummi worms and faux dirt. Gail and Elizabeth enter to give the five-minute warning. Seth runs for liquid nitrogen to chill his sorbet, but there isn't enough to get the job done. When time runs out, Seth melts down faster than his sorbet. He flings a cloth down, cusses, and begins to hyperventilate and cry, all because he couldn't get a Quickfire dessert to the level where he could dedicate it to his mom. Keep in mind this is all going on in front of the judges. Seth... Hmm... I mean, I like to make fun of "crazy" personalities on reality shows, but the fun kind of drains out if the person may actually be crazy. He's dancing close to the edge.

The judges do their best to ignore him while they go down the line. Yigit has infused red licorice into "strawberries and cream", which is accented with citrus and bits of licorice. Heatherh has made vanilla panna cotta with a passion fruit gelee, using passion fruit candy as a sweetener. Tim has an orange and pistachio parfait, with mascarpone, cream, and a ton of orange-flavored candy. Morgan has made a very pretty plate of chick-o-stick sable, with a malted milk ganache, and a banana lollipop that he's repulled. Well, I hate coconut and malted milk balls, but his presentation is so lovely that I'd be tempted to try it. Malika's got a lemon drop and strawberry parfait, with yuzu cream and strawberry gelee. There are some strawberry pop rocks on top, which is a good idea. Heatherc has a browned butter almond financier, with strawberries and balsamic vinegar. She takes the line that it's "candy flavors", but didn't use any actual candy. What a dink.

Zac's plate is the opposite of Morgan's: Mostly good components, but the presentation is sloppy and unappealing. He's got a chocolate and sour cream Ho-Ho, with a red hot/cream cheese filling. He then ruins this delightful combination by topping the whole thing with black licorice and black licorice flavors like star anise. The slop comes from a hot tamale whipped cream smeared all over the plate. Eric's made a malted chocolate pudding with a bit of butterscotch candy, and a malt ball cookie. Erika has a base of strawberry pop rocks, with a lemon drop cookie and sour lemon gelee. Sounds good. Danielle's "worms in dirt" is a chocolate mousse with lemon gummi worms and malt balls and cocoa nibs. She also has the nifty idea of pairing the dessert with a glass of lemon soda with a red licorice straw. Seth begins to break down anew as the judges approach his station. He tearfully tells them about his problems with time, but says that the flavors should still work. Gail kindly tells him that flavors are what's most important, anyway. He's got a whopper chiffon cake, with a red hot/coconut jam, and the melted passion fruit/vanilla sorbet.

After the tasting, he completely dissolves in a puddle of tears on the ground, moaning over and over that he can't do this, and that the "red hots are for my mommy". No, really. I know I'm given to hyperbole, but this is seriously the most uncomfortable breakdown I've ever seen on this show. Delusional chefs that act up and freak out is an integral part of this program, but I almost think that Seth should not have been allowed to compete. The competitors do need some degree of self-control. His hysterical crying jag is to the point that Elizabeth has to come back and comfort him, pulling him in for a hug. Morgan tries to pull his buddy together, laughably telling him that he's a "badass chef".

LabRat (as Elizabeth): "I'm more of a man than you are. Lesbian up, dude."

The other chefs take the same tack as the viewing party, which is that yes, this is a massively difficult, stressful, emotional experience, but you can't respond to every setback like a coal miner's widow who's just been told the bad news. Especially a setback as minor as this. You served a disappointing sorbet, not a cake full of glass shards. Results. The bottom three are Heatherc, for NOT USING ANY CANDY, Eric's one-dimensional dessert, and of course, Seth, for not finishing. Elizabeth tells him again that she's been in his shoes, but you have to put mistakes behind you and step up to the challenge. He agrees. The top three are Heatherh, for highlighting citrus flavor, Danielle's playful theme, and Zac's delicious cake and licorice sauce. Zac is an ungracious victor, though he has the sense to razz his competitors for their desserts in interview. The ultimate winner of the challenge and immunity is... Danielle. She gives the Standard Speech.

LabRat (as Elizabeth): "As the winner, Danielle gets my phone number."

Elimination Challenge. The chefs head to Mark Peel's new restaurant, where we get exciting news. No, it's nothing about the challenge. It's that we finally learn, care of Malika, that we are indeed in Los Angeles. Next week, let's send the chefs somewhere else so we can start the puzzle anew. It'll be like a twisted version of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Mark Peel welcomes everyone before Gail arrives. The chefs applaud Gail's entrance like they didn't just see her ten minutes ago. She explains that the Elimination Challenge will be to create a dessert inspired by a cocktail. Get that, Heatherc? Need it repeated a few times? The challenge is made more complicated when the chefs learn that their ingredients must be selected from behind Mark's bar. When something is taken, that's it. It's gone. The chefs pull coasters instead of the traditional knives to determine the order in which they'll "shop" for two minutes. They'll have to make enough plates for twenty-five diners, plus the judges. Instead of going number by number, I'll just tell you that Eric pulls the all-important #1.

"Shopping". Eric grabs all the pineapple slices. Erika stocks up on margarita components. Malika worries that all the citrus will be gone by the time she gets her turn. We run through a series of chefs hurriedly selecting their ingredients. Zac acts up for attention. Actually, you should probably just assume that whenever Zac is mentioned, he's acting up for attention. Seth is towards the end of the line. He's got his heart set on grapefruit juice, but can't find any. He wonders aloud how he's supposed to make a Greyhound without it. Morgan duhs that he may have to rethink his plan. Yeah, you'd almost think that limited access to ingredients was part of the challenge! Weird! The other chefs encourage him, chanting "Go, Seth, go!" and suggesting that he work out a new version of the drink. No matter. When time runs out, Seth has not obtained the things on his overly-strict ingredient list, and has thus suffered another minor setback. How do you suppose he reacts?

I believe I heard "He has a complete meltdown in front of the judges, almost inappropriate in the worst of times, but especially in a case where his fury is entirely disproportional to the severity of the situation," from the back of the room. Wow, you're wordy. You're also correct. He screams at the other chefs for being "haters", which beyond being silly, is untrue. They were actively trying to help him, even if their motivation was to not get stabbed in their sleep by the loon they're forced to live with. Seth then moves on to a familiar reality show trope, screaming that he's not in this for fun or glory, but that the prize money will save his life. I have the same unsympathetic response for him that I've had for everyone else who's tried this line: If you're that desperate, the solution is not to wander away from your job for a month to go on television for a miniscule fraction of a chance to win a pot of money that gets a hefty chunk chopped off for taxes. I'm fairly sure that "Make a ill-fated grab for game show prizes" doesn't show up on many financial advisors' plans.

That's all beside the point, though, because the real story is Seth's increasingly alarming mood swings. Yigit tells him to stop yelling at everyone, and when Seth snidely responds that it's not for Yigit to tell him what's okay, Seth's BFF Morgan tells him he's being an asshole. Seth finally shuts up, and shrugs in interview that it's all stress. Yeah, no. Nice try, though. Heatherh reiterates in interview that working with limited ingredients is the entire point of the challenge, and having such a tantrum over it is embarrassing. Gail and Mark Peel, who have had to stand there watching all this, try to get the show back on the rails, sending the chefs back to the Kitchen to get to work.

Once there, the chefs get going on their three hours of prep time. They have access to pantry ingredients as well as what they got from behind the bar. Eric works on pineapple upside-down cake based on a bourbon/pineapple cocktail. Based on the limited time we've spent with these chefs, Heatherh and Eric are really stepping up to be my favorites, though for different reasons. I like Heatherh's competent, no-nonsense, no-drama approach, while Eric seems fun and laid-back. Plus, he's cute. Seth's plan for the day is to not spew crazy all over the Kitchen. I like how he has to make that a concrete plan, rather than just not doing it. Today, I think I'll studiously avoid spitting in strangers' faces. Tim tells us (as he did back at the bar) that his dessert is based on a drink called the Plantation. It involves basil and rum. Heatherh advises him to increase the amount of basil if he's going to put it into a cold custard. He doesn't have enough basil leaves to do that, so he throws the entire plant into the blender, seeds and all. Malika worries that her dessert lacks the acidity it needs.

Johnny stops by to Ptimewaste. In most cases, he just checks in with the chefs to see what they're making and how it's going. Notably, in Seth's case, he asks how he's holding up and tells him to take a deep breath. That's not really a great substitute for doing a thorough psych evaluation before letting someone onto the show, but I guess their options are limited at this point. Once Johnny's gone, Seth can't let his excessive energy vent by going nutso on the other contestants, so it gets channeled into being completely spastic. He runs around the Kitchen at a full sprint, yelling nonstop about the blast chiller door and where's his cake and watch the open flame and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. The other chefs are just exhausted by him, as anyone forced to live and work with a guy who is mentally incapable of calming the hell down would be.

As time winds down, Heatherh helps Yigit get his stuff wrapped up. Back at the loft, her get-shit-done-with-a-minimum-of-fuss attitude also comes in handy in dealing with the household's resident kook. She tells Seth that she thinks he owes the rest of them an apology, which Seth is very amenable to giving. He's almost too facile in owning up to his poor behavior, which doesn't provide much relief to everyone else, because him shifting gears that quickly is part of the problem in the first place. He tells Heatherh that he'll make it up to the rest of them, and she says she doesn't want him to make anything up, just to spend the remainder of his time treating his fellow chefs like decent people. God, I like her. That would seem like it settles matters for the time being, but Yigit can't resist getting in another dig at Seth, telling him that everyone has personal life issues, and letting them bleed violently into the competition is not helpful. Seth apologizes again. Well, I guess that's it, then. Seth will never lose control again!

After the commercial break, it's back to Mark's bar, where the chefs have an hour to finish up and get everything plated. The space is very cramped, so the chefs will be plating and presenting three at a time. Seth tells Yigit that "my gelee is going to be harder than yours," sending the viewing party into a gale of very immature giggles. Eric is nervous, having never done a plated service before. This is where you can tell I have an unfair bias in his favor, because normally, I'd sneer at the contestant sarcastically that it's a good thing they didn't sign up for a contest in which plating desserts is a given, but in this case, I simply sigh like a schoolgirl. Oh, Eric. I'll enjoy you while I can. Erika realizes she's a few desserts short, so she decides to cut her spheres in half, not only to increase the portions, but so the diners can see the layers inside. It's a genius idea, because it winds up looking even better than her original concept:

Time runs out, and Danielle is so busy dancing to the timer beeps that she doesn't realize she's the one that's supposed to turn it off. Hahahaha! The first set of plates goes out. Gail introduces the judging table, which in addition to her and Johnny, includes Elizabeth Faulkner, Hubert Keller, Mark Peel, and his wife/business partner. Erika kicks off the presentation with her margarita bombe, which includes a lime cookie, tequila mousse, and a Grand Marnier creme brulee. Like Eric's chili-spiced brownie in the first episode, I declare this one Limecrete's Pick of the Week. It looks wonderful. Erika warns the judges that she has incorporated salt, as any good margarita would. Danielle has made a lime and lemon curd tart, topped with toasted coconut and resting on a bed of rum sabayon and candied kumquats. It's always sad to see a promising dessert ruined by coconut. Eric's bourbon pineapple cocktail inspiration has naturally been translated into a pineapple bourbon upside-down cake that looks quite tasty.

Tasting. Erika's margarita bombe was a great idea, and the salt jazzes up what might have been an overly subtle dessert. Danielle's is disappointing. Besides some execution issues, Johnny can't identify any sort of cocktail inspiration. Hubert likes it more than the other judges, but agrees it lacks oomph. Eric's cake had the simplest presentation, but the biggest depth of flavor. The textures were all nice, and there's a pleasant aftertaste of bourbon.

Back in the kitchen, a still-remorseful Seth wants to help the others, and starts by grabbing Yigit's ice cream out of the freezer for him. Morgan is using the scoop, and Yigit barely gets everything onto the plates in time. He worries that his rush has let to a lackluster presentation that will sink him to the bottom three. He's the first in his group to present. He's got a campari and blood orange agar agar, with a citrus vanilla panna cotta, and basil ice cream. Morgan has turned a Jack and Coke inspiration into a cola spiced whiskey cake, with some coke fluid gel and a whiskey gelee. Heatherc has made a gingerbread cake with a rum caramel sauce, and topped with candied ginger. Tasting. Yigit's plate is nicely colorful, but his ice cream is beginning to melt, leading Johnny to surmise that Yigit had a timing issue back in the kitchen.

Tim: "He practically ran out of time plating. How much longer could he have delayed?"

Hmm. Good point. Between this and "Tania had plenty of time to make another mousse", I'm starting to think Johnny isn't as much of an expert as we've been led to believe. The judges enjoyed Morgan's plate, but wish there was one more component. Heatherc made some good gingerbread, but that's about all that can be said for her plate.

Seth is in full-on spaz mode back in the kitchen, and figures that he won't finish on time. Zac, although he's not a big Seth booster, admits that he can't watch someone flail like that, and helps Seth plate. Thanks to him, Seth finishes with a little time to spare, so he zooms over to Malika to offer his assistance. Malika: "I'm good." Malika's tone: "Get the fuck away from my food, nutbar." He then sets his sights on Heatherh, who tells him he can help by going over to the timer to keep an eye on the countdown. Heh. Clever little minx. Time runs out.

The next set of chefs goes out to meet the judges. Seth's plate is based on a blueberry gimlet. He didn't have enough blueberries to incorporate into the cake, and has decided that dyeing the cake blue is the next best thing. Well, sure. That's why instead of keeping a fire extinguisher around, I just tacked up a picture of one. It's just as good, really. Seth's cake also has lemon juice, lime juice, gin, and juniper soda. Malika has made a blood orange/blackberry mojito cake soaked with white rum, with a white chocolate mousse infused with cream. Privately, she's concerned about her flavor balance, but has no choice but to hope for the best. Heatherh's inspiration is a White Russian, and she has made a custard with coffee, Kahlua, white chocolate, and vodka. Tasting. Malika's dessert is one of the weakest so far. The flavors she meant to highlight were overshadowed, and Hubert finds it far too sweet. She did well with the cocktail half of the challenge, just not the dessert half. Heatherh's plate is overcomplicated. As to Seth's plate, Elizabeth tells the other judges that blue food is a faux pas in the pastry world. Is that true? Because it sounds a little urban legendy. Aside from the color, Johnny didn't get a hint of either of the two gins Seth included.

As the next set of chefs gets ready, a crash resounds throughout the kitchen. A tray of Zac's chocolate squares has fallen to the floor. The only person nearby is Seth, who insists that he didn't do anything to it. I'm going to refrain from assuming Seth knocked it over in some flailing spaz attack, because we didn't see it on camera, and God knows there's plenty else to hold Seth accountable for this week. Still, it may be a good idea to not let the hyperemotional basket case near your food from now on. Or your toolbox. Or your medicine cabinet. Seth wants to appear contrite and helpful by cleaning up the mess, but all he accomplishes is being even more in the way while Zac is trying to plate. Your homework for tonight will be to read "Helping" from Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk Ends and write an essay about how it relates to this scene. Zac still has plenty of tuile to top each of his plates, but leaves one off, only realizing it after time has elapsed. You'd think he'd be extra sure to make sure that one goes to some random diner instead of the judges' table. You'd think. Naturally, Zac takes this whole situation to mean he should never help anyone out, and nice guys finish last, and so on and so forth. Way to completely miss the point while simultaneously pissing away any sympathy I had for you, Zac. It's tough to do that in two sentences. Oh, and good job serving the tuile-less plate to Gail. That wasn't dumb at all.

Presentation. Zac sags even further in my estimation by explaining that his inspiration was a Jager Bomb. Of course, that's not entirely his fault. It's the Misses', a Saint Louis girl band who had me dress up as Cupid and introduce them for their Valentine's Day show. It was a Jagermeister-sponsored event, and folks just love to buy shots for dudes dressed up as Roman love fairies. Needless to say, I haven't been able to touch a drop of the stuff since. Anyway, back to Zac. He's made a Benedictine bombe, which is a dark chocolate malt cake, with a Benedictine cremeux (basically a mousse). The cakes are topped with the chocolate squares that escaped the crash, lime ice cream/sorbet/gelato/something-or-other and a tarragon tuile except for the one Zac didn't put on and somehow blamed on Seth. Tim describes his cocktail inspiration for the third time. I'll assume you're up to speed. His dessert is a basil pudding with orange, kumquat, and lime granita. Tasting. Zac had a great concept, but not a great dessert. Johnny rails against Tim for doing two desserts served in a bowl in two challenges. I get where he's going with that, but two instances does not a pattern make. Elizabeth has a more concrete criticism, which is that Tim's textures are awful, rather like finding scrambled eggs in your soup. Spew. Mark agrees that it's messy, but enjoys the flavors.

Interstitial. Seth tries to drum up activity partners during the long fret 'n sweat. Nobody's interested.

Judges' Table. Gail enters the Kitchen, and asks to see Erika, Yigit, and Eric. Once they're gone, Seth says he's happy for Eric, condescendingly saying that Eric needs a hit now or he'll just fall apart and never pull it together. Nobody who's ever said "The red hots were for my mommy" gets to comment on other people pulling it together. Heatherc, who more and more is looking like she's a few hotels short of a Monopoly game, decides to poke the big bag of crazy by insisting that the three chefs who just left may not even be the winners. Seth explodes yet again, saying that the other chefs are taking advantage of his emotional vulnerability, and telling them all to suck it. I don't think "Stop spewing wads of insanity all over me" can be construed as taking advantage of someone, but since parsing Seth's outbursts would fulfill a full-semester course towards a psychology degree, we just don't have the time to go into it that deeply. In the meantime, Heatherc, here's a helpful little to-do list for you:

1) Cut your bangs. I know your forehead is raging with some sort of fungal outbreak right now, but walking around with that hair curtain isn't much better.

2) Listen to the challenge parameters. They're kind of important.

3) Stop picking fights with insane people. Their arguments don't rely on reason, and you're only setting yourself up to come home and find your beloved pet bubbling away on the stove.

4) As a matter of fact, just shut up entirely. You're annoying.

Thanks. So, after we're treated to Seth's third rant of the hour, we go out to Judges' Table, where Gail informs Erika, Yigit, and Eric that they're the top three. Erika's margarita bombe was aesthetically pleasing, as well as delicious. Eric's pineapple upside-down cake had great consistency, and the pineapple was well-caramelized. Elizabeth warns that he'll have to step up his plating skills, though. Yigit impressed the judges with his colorful plate and creamy panna cotta. Elizabeth gets to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Erika. Yay! Erika is reserved, but pleased, and looks genuinely anxious when Gail asks the top three to send out the losing chefs.

Erika's win is applauded back in the Kitchen before Yigit tells the chefs that the judges want to see Malika, Tim, and Seth. Once they're lined up, Gail asks Tim if his final result was the way he pictured it. He says that it was, and that his intent was simply to mirror a cocktail he enjoys. Johnny describes the horrible texture issues Tim had, and says that while Tim knows his flavors inside and out, he has real trouble putting them together.

Seth admits that he made a poor dessert, and won't pretend otherwise. He begins to get agitated again, but backs off in time. Hubert says that his cake wasn't so much a blueberry cake as a blueberry-colored cake, but that he's being too hard on himself. Johnny jumps on board by telling Seth that he's a smart guy, just spread himself too thin. Such a hard worker! Have you ever heard this many compliments for someone at Losers' Table? I guess I can understand their thinking: Keep him calm. Back away slowly. Don't make eye contact. Elizabeth comes as close as a judge has ever gotten to asking "Are you sure you're sane enough to continue in this contest?" Seth maintains his placid mask, but admits that he can't promise to not scale a clocktower and begin blasting away the next time he, I don't know, runs out of butter or something.

Tiffany (as Gail): "Seth, please pack your knives and go. Actually, no. Don't pack them. Please gently hand over your knives, then go."

Malika's cake was far too sweet and off balance. Johnny asks her why she has such time issues, and she says that she was trying to correct mistakes, when she should have just started from scratch with a new idea. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Seth tried to do too much, and will probably start a hostage crisis any minute now. Tim has great flavor combinations, but his pudding was a curdled soup. Malika's mojito cake was too sweet and lacked important elements. She's having a hard time adapting to the challenges. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. The chefs aren't wearing Kevlar, so I guess I know one person that's safe. Tim's textures were awful. Malika's balance was awful. Seth is an awesome, wonderful person, but maybe this dish was just an eensy-beensy bit off. Gail delivers the bad news. Tim. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Note that I am not suggesting that they kept Seth around so he could continue to be cuckoo and make good television. I don't know if that's because I've been doing that too much lately, Tim's dessert really did look quite icky, or because the judges seem to know as well as anybody that Seth is not the cute kind of zany, and still didn't eliminate him. All of the above, probably.

In his final interview, Tim is surprised to have been eliminated, and can't think of anything he'd change about the dessert. The chefs waiting in the Kitchen are heartbroken to hear of his ouster, and I'll bet it's not too much of a stretch to assume that 50% of that heartbreak has nothing to do with Tim. Although he's shocked by the judges' decision, he accepts it graciously, and says that it's been an exciting experience that he doesn't regret at all. I imagine it would be somewhat of a relief to go back to a place where you don't have to sleep with a gun under your pillow.

Overall Grade: B

Death by Chocolate

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 1

Previously on Just Desserts: A bunch of Top Chef contestants who couldn't make a panna cotta if the recipe was tattooed on their junk. Wouldn't it be nice if there were chefs who could turn out a batch of cookies without burning down the building? The Top Chef producers certainly thought so, and have given us this spinoff, in which twelve pastry chefs will compete to see who can induce the most cavities. I feel like I may have a more discerning eye when it comes to these dishes than in the original Top Chef, not only because I like to do a lot of experimental baking, but because I live with the biggest sweet tooth in the world. Thanks to LabRat, more desserts come and go through this apartment than through Willy Wonka's factory. Ready to go? Grab a bowl of Reese's Pieces, and let's hit it!

Gail Simmons welcomes us to the competition. We have to wait approximately two seconds before the first hilarious comment spews forth from one of the contestants, who says that it's about time for pastry chefs to "come forward", as if they're forced to lurk in shadow, and don't have a four hour chunk of time devoted to worshipping them nightly on Food Network. Big, pissy catfights are previewed. Unlike baseball, there is crying in pastry preparation. Joining Gail on the judging panel will be head judge Johnny Iuzzini, Hubert Keller, and someone we've never seen on the panel before, a magazine editor named Dannielle Kyrillos (who unfortunately is introduced by telling someone that there's a party going on in her mouth). The prizes should sound familiar to you: A feature in Food & Wine magazine, a showcase at a food show, a car, and $100,000.

Opening menu. Part of the reason that I didn't contribute much to the Top Chef Season 7 finale is because I was gearing up for this. A dessert premiere plus a birthday potluck at work induced me to make a triple batch of good, old-fashioned chocolate chip cookies. LabRat enjoyed the cookies, but not the news that my stirring arm was exhausted.

The opening credits are oddly bright and neon, bringing a cruise down the Las Vegas strip to mind much more than any dessert. After that little seizure-inducing intro, we catch up with contestants arriving at the City airport. Why don't I identify the city for you? Would that I could. They never tell us, which is supremely weird. Let's meet the crew wandering out into the bright sunshine of Undisclosed Location. Seth Caro is from New York City. He tells us people think he looks like Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, if Mark Wahlberg got Lisa Rinna's lips grafted onto his face. Tania Peterson is a Jewish atheist artist. Let's hope she doesn't confine herself to baking for events that only fit that mold. She seems cool, but I long to fix her hair. Bangs aren't for everyone. A double decker bus swings by to pick them up, along with Erika Davis and Heather Hurlbert, who have just shown up. Heather is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, and has won pastry awards. That's awards for pastry, not awards of pastry, although that would be awesome.

At the next gate, the bus picks up Zac Young, Eric Wolitzky, and Malika Ameen. Then, it's off to the bus station to pick up Tim Nugent who talks up his ice creams and gelatos. Gelatoes? Whatever its plural, I'm craving a big ol' scoop of it right now. Stupid ninety degree day in late September. Tim kids that he's been referred to as the Snow Queen.

LabRat: "Because of all the coke I did ten years ago."

In short order, we get another Heather (Heather Chittum), Yigit Pura, and Morgan Wilson. His order of priorities is: job, kid, climbing fake rock walls, and his girlfriend. I hope she's cool with being at the end of that list. He opines that pastry chefs can easily do a savory chef's job, but the converse situation leads to mediocre food at best. Let's test that theory, shall we? Once everyone's settled on the bus, they're joined by Gail and Johnny, who hope the chefs can pull out some artistry and inventiveness. The chefs nod mutely. Gail wastes no time in getting right to the point.

Ugly neon brings us to the first Quickfire Challenge. The chefs will be making their signature desserts. That's fairly straightforward. They'll have a $50 budget, and an hour and a half to get their desserts ready. The winner will score immunity. During the shopping segment, we get a bit more biographical info. Yigit tells us that being a pastry chef involves "preciseness". And communicating in English involves knowing the word "precision". Eric admits that he works in a bakery, but still considers himself a pastry chef. Hey, don't split hairs on my account. A good cinnamon roll makes me just as happy as any truffle could. Erika reminds us that baking requires exact measurements, and in a competition where there are no recipes allowed, that can be nearly impossible. Yeah, but there are basic ratios that bakers use. I'm not saying it won't be challenging; it looks terrifyingly difficult. Just that it's not like the chefs have to remember the exact amount of baking powder that goes into each preparation. Malika overshares that she and her husband are getting a divorce.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs ooh and aah over all the equipment provided for them, before springing into their prep time. Tania overshares that she and her husband have been trying to get her pregnant for three years. Listen, folks. I wish you all luck in this competition. Truly. But feel free to leave me out of the inner workings of your personal lives. I promise, the very second that your crumbling marriage or your faulty uterus becomes my business, I'll let you know. Zac tells us that Seth is "literally running laps around the Kitchen", and unlike 99% of previous reality show competitors, he actually uses literally correctly. Gold star for him.

About fifteen minutes into the preparations, Gail and Johnny stride in and ask the chefs to stop what they're doing. Twist ahead! The chefs must now take the signature dishes they're working on, and translate them into cupcakes. Naturally, the news hits some people harder than others, because it's a lot easier to turn a regular cake into a cupcake that it is to transform, say, pudding. Once the chefs are turned loose again, the word "fuck" is liberally contributed to the conversation. Morgan says that everyone just crapped their pants. Well, don't serve that. Malika intends to turn meringue into the actual holder to put filling into. I've heard worse ideas. Tim attempts to freeze his semifreddo. Seth hopes his basil, which is his primary ingredient, will adapt well to the new preparation. Time winds down, and cupcakes start hitting the plates. Malika discovers that the oven her meringues were in has had the temperature turned up. I brace myself for a big hissyfit, but if anything, Malika underreacts. It's far too late to do anything about her browned meringues, but it turns out not to matter, as she's caught by the buzzer without having time to fill them.

Gail and Johnny go down the line. Tania has made a chocolate cupcake filled with chicory mousse, with mesquite flour and a creme fraiche caramel. Yes, please. Heatherc (that's Heather C.) has made a carrot cupcake with creme fraiche cream cheese icing, and fried carrots on top. Spew. In news unrelated to that monstrosity, she's got some sort of Band-aid or patch on her forehead that juts down onto the bridge of her nose. Zac has turned a deconstructed lemon meringue into a vanilla bean cupcake, with lemon curd and a blood orange marshmallow. Danielle has a chocolate cupcake with a mint chip filling and a toasted meringue. Did people just not have time to make proper icings or are meringues really this overused? Eric has a devil's food cupcake with a coffee buttermilk icing. Tim has attempted to make a frozen pistachio semifreddo. Johnny allows that it's very tasty, even as it completely fails as a cupcake. Seth has a steamed Malaysian coconut cake, with a basil buttercream and candied pine nuts. I would not enjoy that at all, but have to admit that it's far and away the most creative thing I've seen so far. Morgan's got a dark chocolate souffle cake, with a tangerine slice and caramel buttercream. Malika's got nothing.

Results. Malika understandably kicks off the bottom three, and is unsurprisingly joined by Tim. Zac is the only person in the bottom three who actually made a cupcake, which he notes enthusiastically. Johnny describes Zac's marshmallow texture as "horrible". Ouch. Now, to the good news. Seth's cupcake was herbaceous and well-adapted from the original idea. Tania's cupcake was moist and had a good flavor combination. Heatherc's fried carrot topping was contemporary, unique, and disgusting. I contributed one of those adjectives. I'll let you puzzle out which. The winner of the first Quickfire and its attendant immunity is... Seth. He's disingenuously modest about it before telling us that Harold (who he's worked with) won the first challenge, then went on to win the entire season, so why shouldn't be Seth be destined for the same? Of course, the problem with that reasoning is that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, not the first Quickfire, so perhaps Seth should avoid that hubris until the round is over, lest he wind up looking foolish. I'm sure that would never happen, though.

Speaking of the first Elimination Challenge, let's get to it. The chefs will be working with the most popular dessert ingredient in the business. I speak, of course, of chocolate. Two guys haul in a table stacked with it. It looks quite yummy, as does one of the guys hauling the table. LabRat is too busy grumbling that white chocolate isn't really chocolate at all to bother noticing hot dudes. Chocolate may be popular, but it's also very temperamental, so the chefs have their work cut out for them. At least the challenge itself is fairly simple: Make a luxurious chocolate dessert. The desserts will be served to fifty diners, including Jacques Torres, a luminary in the world of chocolate. The chefs will have four hours to put everything together, then one hour to plate and serve.

The chefs are dismissed for the day, and head back to their lofts. I hear Undisclosed City has lovely living spaces. Beds are haggled over. Thermostat settings are discussed. Heatherc has graduated from a flesh-colored bandage to a white covering that is threatening to swallow her face. The line to have her prepare food for you forms at the left. Zac loudly proclaims that he needs his own bathroom, because he's got "bathroom issues". Wow, oversharing AND gross. Nice combo.

The next day, the chefs return to the Kitchen for their four hours of prep. Morgan adds whisky to his dough. Heatherh (Heather H.) and Yigit discover that they have similar techniques, which makes Yigit anxious, as Heatherh clearly has some training and experience on her side. Morgan burns a tray of his flan. He does his best to work around it, interviewing that "failure is not an option". Sure it is. It's just not an attractive one. Zac feels like he has a lot to prove after his poor Quickfire performance. Eric mechanically folds his batter for minutes on end. Johnny stops by to... Ptimewaste? Is that applicable here? Let's see if his walkthrough is the least bit relevant. And, no. It's just as pointless as ever. Tania tackles her white chocolate mousse last, and finds out that the texture is all wrong, almost like hummus. Yikes. It's too late to correct, and she hopes that the flavors will pull her through.

Time quickly runs out, and the chefs move their desserts into the Dining Room. Before you know it, diners are streaming in and chowing down. The judges stop by Morgan's table first. In addition to Gail, Johnny, and Dannielle, Jacques Torres is present as promised. Morgan has made chocolate fried pie, with a milk chocolate bourbon flan. Heatherc's got a bittersweet chocolate torte, with a mini whoopie pie with marshmallow fluff that she's made. Tasting. Morgan's flan has separated, and the dish as a whole does not get positive feedback. Heatherc's dessert has the first whoopie pie Jacques Torres has ever had. I confess that I haven't had them, either. If we're aiming for that sort of combination, we tend to go more for moon pies or ice cream sandwiches around these parts. And by "these parts", I mean "me". Jacques says that Heatherc would have done better to put a citrus flavor into the sandwich cream, rather than the marshmallow.

Eric has a brownie lightly spiced with ancho chili, accented with ginger and cinnamon. It looks fantastic. Heatherh has made a dark chocolate mousse torte, with a caramel/chocolate/Grand Marnier sauce. Zac blows "disco dust" (which is edible glitter) all over his dessert. Along with a fine spray of spittle, no doubt. His dessert is several differing textures of chocolate. It's very sculptural. He calls it a chocolate fondant "brownie sundae". Tasting. The judges enjoy Zac's plate, but Jacques calls him on blowing all over his food. Eric's brownie is moist and rich, but Jacques doesn't think it's very decadent. Boo! I suppose that was one of the challenge parameters, but I don't have LabRat's sweet tooth, and so that spiced brownie was a lot more appealing to me than some chocolate cake with chocolate sauce, finished with chocolate dust and chocolate whipped cream, to be eaten with a chocolate fork. Heatherh's dessert is very elegant, and extremely tasty to boot.

Tania has an orange blossom/honey ganache and a flourless chocolate torte topped with an Earl Grey/white chocolate mousse. She admits up front that her mousse's texture isn't ideal, but she's happy with her flavors. Once the judges leave her table, her mistakes get the better of her, and she surreptitiously dabs away some tears. The other chefs catch it, and Malika pulls her in for a hug. Aw. Danielle has made a chocolate free form tart with whipped cream, hazelnut brittle, and some banana. You know, I like all those ingredients, but her dessert doesn't look good. It's goopy and unappealing. Zac agrees with me in interview. Tasting. Dannielle (that's judge-Dannielle, not contestant-Danielle -- you can tell by the stupid spelling judge-Dannielle's parents have saddled her with) finds it takes a lot of work to get a proper bite of Danielle's dessert. Jacques thinks the components are boring, but they come together to form something interesting. Tania's mousse is grainy as promised, but Dannielle likes the shape (which is a pretty teardrop) and the candied kumquat on top. Johnny remains unimpressed.

Seth has got a Madras curry and chocolate palette, with a raspberry gelee. The internet is not being very helpful on "palette", so I'll just report that it appears to be a fudge-like brownie. There are lots of additional little surprises, like liquid nitrogen-shattered raspberries and candied rose. Yigit has made a flourless chocolate genoise, with a custardless ice cream. Wow, that sure does sound luxurious! Tasting. Yigit's rubbery ice cream is lacking something. Ooh, I have a guess! Is it custard? Dannielle calls Seth's dessert a "pug" in that it's tiny, but powerful. Johnny enjoys the curry.

Tim has a milk chocolate ganache, mixed with bittersweet chocolate ganache, chocolate cake, chocolate whipped cream, and cocoa nibs on top. I just went into diabetic shock. Malika has got a bittersweet chocolate layer cake, with braised cherries and cocoa nib nougatine (brown nougat). Johnny congratulates her for finishing this time, aiming for friendly and coming off as condescending. Erika's voice rises four octaves as she describes her chocolate banana caramel crunch bar.

Panny: "I don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, Miss Scarlet!"

Tasting. "The crunch Erika put on the bottom is, like, 'Pow Pow!' It wakes you up," Dannielle jabbers. Yeah, I'm not feeling this lady. That could prove to be a problem, since I'm being asked to consider her opinion as expert. She seems nice and all, but fairly inept so far. Right now, all I'm hearing is a college sophomore they pulled off the quad to judge a dessert competition. Tim's cake is a bit dense, but the flavors are all good. Malika's dessert screams chocolate. Service winds down.

Interstitial. Zac is either stupid or being deliberately obtuse when he jumps down Danielle's throat for an offhand comment she makes about how she feels like barfing after eating too much chocolate, taking it as a slam against his dessert. Either way, it's obnoxious. Shut up, Zac. You're not a quarter as cute as you think you are.

We enter into the fret 'n sweat on an establishing shot of a street sign that reads "Vine". Could our Mystery Location have been identified? Are we in Los Angeles? Until they say so, I say we just go on assuming we could be anywhere. Gail comes in, and summons Seth, Heatherh, and Zac to Judges' Table. Morgan doesn't know the protocol as to who gets called first in this iteration of the show, but sniffs that his dessert was much better than the three people who just got called. Apparently, he's the only one who thinks so, as the summoned chefs learn that they're the top three.

Zac immediately begins weeping. Jeez. He'll be fun as television fodder, but man, would he ever be exhausting to spend time with. He makes a rambling, inapt comparison between making dessert and giving birth. The judges wait patiently through this twaddle before telling him that his dessert demonstrated a lot of different textures and techniques. Dannielle's "party in my mouth" comment is mercifully gotten out of the way before Jacques admonishes Zac for blowing the glitter into his food. Heatherh's dessert was aesthetically pleasing and well-balanced. Seth didn't rely on immunity, and everyone enjoyed the curry flavoring in his dessert. Seth says he's shocked that all four judges liked it. I write that as "says he's shocked" instead of "is shocked", because I have yet to hear a statement come out of his mouth that doesn't seem forced, couched, and designed to fit a personality type that he's trying way too hard to craft for himself. I wish Seth and I were off to a better start, because his food is really quite interesting. If he lays off his posturing and focuses on his desserts, we can turn this distressing situation around.

Jacques gets the privilege of announcing the first ever Elimination Challenge winner for Just Desserts, and that honor goes to... Heatherh. Seth finally has a genuine reaction. He is not pleased. He stands stiffly, arms crossed, eyes blinking, as Heatherh and Zac share a hug. Heatherh is thrilled and surprised to have won. I'm pleased for her win, even if her dessert didn't thrill me as much as a couple of others. Probably because unlike her fellow winning chefs, she appears to care more about her food than her image. Gail puts her concerned face on, and asks the winning chefs to send back some of their colleagues. Heatherh is warmly congratulated back in the Kitchen. Seth shares the bad news as quickly as he can. The judges would like to see Danielle, Tania, and Morgan. "Whatever," Morgan spits. I'm fully convinced that he's that above-it-all, and isn't seething. Also, I was born yesterday.

The three losing chefs trudge in to Losers' Table. Strange how one of the Quickfire top three is in the losing group now, and vice versa. Danielle is asked why she thinks she's there, and she admits she doesn't know, saying she liked her flavors and textures. Johnny tells her that her dessert was exceedingly difficult to eat, and that it exploded all over the plate the moment it was touched with a fork. She explains her free form tart concept, and Jacques points out that if the dessert was taken layer by layer, the flavors didn't work anymore. Tania is obviously in the bottom for her mousse's off-putting texture. She says as much, throwing in an "At the end of the day.." DRINK! Gail liked the chocolate layer under the mousse, but there wasn't enough of it to counterbalance the mistakes.

Morgan tells the judges he thinks he had a delicious array of temperatures and textures. Johnny asks if the flan was supposed to have two layers. It did not, which means it separated. That's not a good thing. Morgan says he noticed that, but was hoping the judges wouldn't. There's a fresh approach: "I was hoping you'd be idiots." Dannielle thinks the flan brought a jarring contrast to the overall dessert. At least, that's a concise version of what she says. I know she's new, but she needs some work. Morgan, who two minutes ago said that his dessert was better than the winners', and two seconds ago said that he was hoping the judges would overlook an obvious mistake, now says that he only included the flan because he didn't want to be judged on not attempting enough. Pick a shitty defense and stick with it. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Morgan doesn't want to talk with the safe chefs about what the judges hated about his dessert. I suppose I can't fault him for that, although he's unnecessarily smarmy about it. Deliberations. Johnny says Morgan's biggest problem was himself. I'll say. He tried to do too much, and wound up spreading himself too thin. His dessert was unfocused, and didn't concentrate enough on chocolate. Johnny thinks Tania had plenty of time to remake her mousse. I don't see how he could know that. Her Earl Grey didn't lend enough flavor, and the overall dessert was far too timid. Danielle was too defensive. Eh, I didn't really get that sense. Her dessert didn't work at all if it was eaten as intended. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. All three losing chefs failed at featuring chocolate. Morgan has technique, but took on too much. Danielle should have taken more time to construct her dessert. Tania should have corrected her mistakes. The first chef eliminated is... Tania. Please pack your tools and go. Wait, really? The woman who admitted up front that she made a technical error, and thus theoretically knows how to correct for it next time goes home over the guy who reached for any excuse short of "A wizard did it" to explain his crappy dessert? That mousse must have been truly wretched. Or they just can't eliminate the season's designated douchebag this early. Tania thanks the judges for the opportunity. In her final interview, she acknowledges that being the first to go is generally accepted as the worst thing that can happen. It's true, and I wish she could have stuck around longer. She cries a bit, and says that although she's totally bummed out, she knows she's got a fantastic husband who supports her waiting for her back home. Bon voyage, Tania. You got a raw deal. Here's hoping you get knocked up soon.

Overall Grade: B

And the Winner Izzzzz.....

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: A season of Top Chef. More specifically, Kelly got eliminated, along with any hope of a satisfying end to this dismal season. Three chefs remain. Who will be Top Chef?

Opening menu. In addition to the regular grub, Panny and Phooey brought along some falafel and hummus. It may not have been Singaporean, but it was tasty. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Drinking Game tipoffs! Believe me, you'll need something to entertain you for the next hour.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. As you may remember, the final three chefs were summoned back to Judges' Table mere moments after it ended. When they go back out, they discover that the knife block has been set up. Padma tells them that in order to give them as much time as possible to plan their final meal, the challenge will be given out now. Each of the chefs will prepare four courses. The first course will be a vegetable course, the second will be fish, the third will be meat, and the fourth will be the dreaded dessert. Oddly, the chefs will have no control over which meat and fish to cook with; Eric and Ptom will be choosing proteins for them. Sure, why not restrict what food they can use here in the third episode? Makes sense to me! What's that you say? It's not the third episode? It is, in fact, the finale, after which we're supposed to know who the most talented chef is? Even though they aren't able to express any kind of individuality via ingredient selection in the two main courses? Maybe it's handy that I don't care who wins now. If I did, this would infuriate me.

Speaking of infuriating, let's meet the guest sous chefs! Are they celebrity cooks? Are they eliminated contestants? Nope, it's previous winners. Hey, that's a great idea. I mean there have been six seasons, and three of the winners have been kind of assy, but the chances that they'd be the three... Oh. They are. Actually, I'm not being entirely fair. Hung and Michael V. weren't my favorite people, but I certainly couldn't begrudge them the win based on talent, and I've frankly mellowed on both of them since their seasons. Ilan, on the other hand, is the biggest cockbite this show has ever cast. The fact that they rewarded him with the win brought me within a hare's breath of never watching the show again, and the fact that they keep bringing him back, like he's some kind of beloved elder statesman, is salt on the wound.

The chefs pick knives to see which sous chef they'll be working with. All of them hope to either get Michael or Hung. See? Go away, Ilan. Go away forever. Ed picks first and gets Ilan. Wah-wah. Kevin gets Michael, which he's thrilled with, because they used to work with each other and still maintain a friendly relationship. That leaves Hung with Angelo, which pleases Angelo no end. Back at the hotel, the chefs get to know their sous chefs a bit better. Angelo feels a bit ill, and turns in early to try and sleep it off. The previous winners tell the contestants not to try anything fancy, and just cook their own style of food. Which they can't do because they don't get to choose their main ingredients, but whatever. Everyone turns in for the night.

In the morning, Angelo feels no better, and a doctor is brought in to examine him. After he looks him over, he gives him about a 20% chance of being well enough to cook the final meal. In the meantime, Hung will have to communicate with him by phone in order to shop and prep as much as he can for him. Sounds sucky. Before they head off to the store, though, Eric and Ptom present the proteins for the fish and meat courses. The fish is red mullet, cuttlefish, cockles, and slipper lobster. The meats are pork belly and duck. The duck is a full bird; plucked, but not broken down. In order to stifle creativity even further, the main component of the fish course MUST be the mullet, and the main component of the meat course MUST be the duck, and the other proteins MUST be incorporated somewhere. Whoever designed this as the final challenge MUST be shrooming.

Shopping. There's a $300 budget. Weirdly, every single sign in the grocery store is in English, with American pricing. Ilan gets on Ed's nerves. Please. You don't even have to have a nervous system for Ilan to get on your nerves. Ilan could get on a coral reef's nerves. Hung does the best he can at trying to get the necessary ingredients with only Angelo's sickly phone voice for help.

LabRat: "And this year's Top Chef is... Hung again!"

Heh. I could actually get behind that. Shopping winds down, and the chefs head back to the kitchen for their three hours of prep. Hung grabs the limited amount of foie gras, so Kevin and Ed have to scramble to come up with different ideas. Lots of prep work is done. Hung's spastic nature works to his advantage, and he tears through a huge chunk of work. Ed gives full control of the dessert to Ilan. Wah-wah. Back at the hotel, the doctor is telling Angelo that an antibiotic injection may improve his condition, even if the chances aren't great. Angelo's willing to try, and drops trou. The next day, he's still not feeling 100% better, but his symptoms have abated enough for him to cook without bringing all the diners down with dysentery. That's nice for them (and of course for him), but it sure would have injected some much-needed excitement into this snoozer of a finale.

The chefs get another three hours of prep. Kevin discusses plating with Michael, who wonders what the other two competitors are going to do. "That's their problem," Kevin sniffs. "I'm not here to be nice." DRINK! Angelo is happy with the mountain of work that Hung was able to get through. He's not entirely satisfied with the menu, but recognizes that he should be grateful that he's able to compete at all at this point. The final three dissect each other's chances of winning. Time winds down, and the chefs get everything plated. The diners get seated. A lot of Names are present, as usual.

First course. Keep in mind that this is the vegetable course, and see if you can pick out what's weird. I'll leave you little clues. Angelo has pickled royale mushrooms, with char siu bao PORK BELLY, on a bed of noodles and watermelon tea. Kevin has an eggplant/zucchini/pepper terrine, with tomato, jalapeno, and a black garlic puree. I bet I'd like that one. Ed has a chilled summer corn veloute, with fried black COCKLES. The diners tuck in. Angelo's dish has very bold and local flavors, but Ptom thinks it needs work. Susan Feniger thinks Kevin's needs some oomph, and playfully hits the Name next to her when he disagrees. Eric agrees with another French Name that Ed's dish was well done.

Second course. Angelo has put the sauteed red mullet into Asian-style bouillabaisse, with poached cuttlefish. Kevin has pan-seared mullet, with cuttlefish "noodles", pork belly, cockles, slipper lobster, and cigala. Ed has stuffed red mullet, with glazed slipper lobster, and cuttlefish with zucchini pesto. Wow, I sure do love seeing the same six ingredients over and over again. It's super exciting. Tasting. Kevin gets positive reviews. Ed's dish is overcomplicated. Angelo's broth is tasty and memorable.

Meat course. Angelo has sauteed duck breast with foie gras topped with a cinnamon marshmallow and a tart cherry shooter on the side. Ew. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a duck dumpling, caramelized bok choy, and orange/coriander sauce. Ed has done duck two ways. There's roasted breast, and there's braised, stuffed duck neck with baby spinach. Tasting. Kevin's dumpling is nice, and his duck is the best cooked of the bunch. Angelo's plate is good, aside from the cherry shot, which nobody likes or understands. Ed's dish is layered with flavor, and his greens are outstanding.

Dessert course. Ed isn't entirely pleased with Ilan's cake or the cream that goes with it. Well, perhaps you could have spent some of the final challenge helping plan or execute your own dessert. Just a thought. The plates go out. Angelo's "Thai Jewel" is a coconut/vanilla cream with crushed ice and exotic fruits. Or as they call them in Singapore... Fruits. Kevin presents an updated version of the Singapore Sling. The frozen drink is on top, and below it lurks a bunch of tropical fruit. Ed has sticky toffee date pudding, with "fleur de sel creme chantilly", a fancy way of saying "whipped cream with salt in it". Kevin's interpretation of the Singapore Sling gets a lot of yummy noises from the diners. Angelo's dessert was comforting, but borders on the savory. Ed's dessert is meh. It's okay, but nothing special.

The chefs try each other's food back in the kitchen, and say nice things about what their competitors put out. They then emerge to applause from the diners, and though I know I can't reach through the television and taste anyone's food (would that I could), nothing I just saw looked that impressive or that terrible. Except the cherry shooter. Maybe if the chefs had been allowed free reign to cook their final meal, we could have seen someone really play to their strengths and put up an outstanding dish. Padma raises her glass and thanks the other diners, which shifts us directly into Judges' Table.

The judges do their best to convince us that the meal blew them away, but it seems cursory. The chefs are brought out, and Padma thanks them for an amazing meal, in same tone of voice that you'd use to thank someone for pointing out that your shoelace is untied. Angelo's fish course had a great broth, and embraced local culture, but his meat course cherry shooter was a terrible idea. Ed's stuffed duck neck was a great addition, and his spinach was beautiful. His dessert was bland and unimpressive. Ed attempts to explain himself by essentially saying that he didn't want to do an actually impressive dessert at the risk of messing it up. Because there are so many more challenges to prove yourself?

Panny: "Wow, I've never seen someone throw himself under the bus so effectively."

Kevin's vegetable course could have used a bit more spice. His duck was superbly cooked, and his dessert was fantastic. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. The judges continue trying to convince us that the challenge idea was awesome. I continue to disagree. Angelo's vegetable course was too heavy, while Kevin's was timid, and Ed's was flavorful. Ed's fish course was confusing, Kevin's was in harmony, and Angelo's was great. Angelo fell down on the meat course, though. Ed did a great job conceiving his duck course, while Kevin executed his well. Angelo and Kevin did a wonderful job with dessert, while Ed's was shockingly pedestrian. The judges reach a decision. I reach for a second cup of coffee so I can stay awake.

Final decision. Ptom says that the winner is the chef who took the most risks, and made the best overall meal. That winner is... Kevin. The other two congratulate him. The judges do the same before the group is joined by the sous chefs and Kelly, who I guess was allowed to hang around so everyone could go back together and save on airfare. Angelo and Ed both interview that they're very happy for Kevin. Kevin himself is thrilled to be the first African American Top Chef, and can't wait to share the news with his friends, family, and the guys at the barbershop.

Tim: "Ice Cube is waiting at home to congratulate him."

So, there you go. Let's get right to the season postmortem, I guess. This... Was not a good one. It's not often that I can't really articulate why I didn't like something, but I am finding it a bit difficult to pinpoint why this season was so disappointing. Is it the whole Kenny thing? I spent the first part of the season raging against his "obvious" win being telegraphed. That feeling ruined a lot of episodes for me, so does the fact that I was wrong, wrong, wrong mean that those episodes weren't so horrendous after all? I can't go back and adjust my past self's reaction, so I still don't look at those episodes with any fondness, but how can I hold the show responsible for that?

Is it the whole Kevin thing? I made no secret of the fact that I consider him a pill, and crowning the guy who won one challenge (perhaps one and a quarter, if you count his team Quickfire) as the best of the bunch doesn't make much sense. But by the same token, Ptom said that the winner had the riskiest, best final meal, and looking back, I have to agree that that person is Kevin. His vegetable course didn't rely on meat, his cuttlefish "noodles" were a great idea, his duck was cooked the best, and his dessert was nearly declared a Singaporean national treasure on the spot. And his conduct really wasn't that bad. I'm not aching to go out for a beer with him, but he didn't annoy me half as much as other contestants have.

Is it the fact that the challenges in the final few episodes were so poorly planned? Nothing about Quickfire immunity for the final four, messing with the chefs' plans in order to pad your party menu, or composing the show-us-your-best meal of the same six proteins is a good idea. A lot of this season's challenges were brilliant, but if you end your song on a hideous, jarring chord, that's all the audience is going to remember.

Is it the fact that it's coming on the heels of a terrific season, in which any of the final four could probably have whomped the winners of any other season? Whose food would you go running for: Winner Kevin's or Third-Place Kevin's?

None of these reasons is that much cause for placing this season as my second-to-least favorite. And yet it is. Only Season 2 was worse, and that's because they could barely find the time to even mention food, because they had to spend every episode displaying a disgusting array of screaming and assault. This was a pretty genial, wonderfully diverse cast. This season had every reason to succeed. Why did it land with such a thud?

Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: C-

Bite My Cockle

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 13

Previously on Top Chef: Cheeeeeeefs! Iiiiiiiiin! Spaaaaaaaace! Meals fit for the final frontier were prepared. Tiffany's mussels froze. Angelo won a shitload of prizes, while poor Tiffany was brought back down to Earth. Boo! Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. All the usual victuals, plus some wonderful salami. I don't know what it is about meat in stick and/or tubular form that elevates the viewing party spread to the next level, but there it is. Drinking Game Rule #13: Take a drink whenever Angelo says "heart".

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Well, there actually isn't one for once, because the chefs spend the beginning part of the episode getting themselves acclimated to Singapore after a short break at home. They reconnect in a local market, and after they spend a few minutes catching up, they're approached by Ptom and a man named Seetoh, who's identified as the "King of Singapore street food". Is there an earldom I could get in on? The chefs get up and accompany Seetoh on an exploration of the many booths and stalls that the food market has to offer. It's a scene that's fun to watch, and dear God, does it make me hungry, but there isn't much to report. Kevin says that no matter what the competition throws at him, he's going to enjoy the experience.

LabRat: "So let's go find some hookers."

At the end of the tour, the chefs spot Padma, and know it signifies a challenge ahead. Hilariously, they all cringe when they see her, as if she's the obnoxious aunt you can't escape from at Thanksgiving. Indeed, the chefs have arrived at the Quickfire Challenge, in which they must prepare street food of their own, using a wok. A ton of local ingredients have been provided. Padma is just bursting to announce the final twist: For the first time this late in the competition, the winner of the Quickfire will receive immunity in the Elimination Challenge. That... Is fucking stupid. Why is this advantage offered? To what end? I know they like throwing the chefs for a loop, but this really has no benefit for the audience. Naturally, the chefs are happier about it than I am. Padma gives the chefs half an hour to get their dishes ready, and starts the clock.

Angelo is very comfortable with preparing Asian food, and assumes an air of confidence bordering on the edge of arrogance. I've always marveled at people who say they know all about "Asian" food, as if they were masters of the entire continent and the gazillion cuisines cooked there. Everyone soon hits the first roadblock when they discover that the ingredients are marked in Cantonese. People have to choose their ingredients based on taste, which should lead to some interesting combinations. Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience, while Angelo obsesses over the vast abundance of ingredients. With five minutes left on the clock, he changes his mind and switches his main focus from crab to frogs' legs. After a mad dash to plate, time runs out.

Angelo is nervous, saying that his heart almost popped out of his shirt. DRINK! Padma and Seetoh go down the line. Angelo presents his chili frog legs, with pineapple, tomato paste, and a rambutan salad. Kelly has made a Chinese noodle dish with lobster, cockle, bean sprouts, and Chinese broccoli. Kevin has done a seafood stew with lobster, calamari, and cuttlefish, and finished it off with some mushrooms, ginger, and crispy shallots. That sounds good. Padma asks him if he's ever used a wok before, and when he admits that he hasn't, she jumps down his throat for not practicing with one during the break. He says that he spent his time studying ingredients, rather than trying to learn a new piece of equipment. And for all I've said against Kevin, and for all that I think that any professional chef should know how to use a wok, I'm with him on this one. None of the chefs can prepare for every eventuality, so he concentrated on playing to his strengths. It's a perfectly valid strategy. Ed has stir fried some noodles with black pepper sauce, steamed lobster, and gai lan (Singaporean asparagus). Eh. That sounds like something you'd get in an American restaurant dedicated to Pan-Asian food. It doesn't sound bad, just not very authentic.

Results. Seetoh has nothing but nice things to say about all four of the dishes. Angelo put a lot of nicely robust ingredients together. Kelly captured the essence of the ocean. Kevin made a complex, sophisticated cuttlefish dish. Ed infused his noodles with a ton of flavors. The winner of the challenge and its attendant immunity is... Ed. Ed is immediately all smiles. Angelo is pissed, which Ed is all too delighted by. Padma tells the chefs that immunity will play a huge role in the Elimination Challenge. Well, duh. That's why it shouldn't be offered this late. Padma keeps the crappy ideas coming by explaining that for this week's Elimination Challenge, the chefs will again be working as one team. Um... They do realize that this is part of the finale, yes? The producers are aware that this isn't episode four, where team challenges and immunity make sense? We're getting to the point where the judges have to discern very specific details of individual talent, and you're not going to find that in a chef with guaranteed safety or a dish that is affected by having to work around competitors' wishes and input. Horrifically bad planning this week. Angelo is understandably disappointed.

Let's get down to the details of this nonsense. The chefs will work as a team to cater a party hosted by Dana Cowin, who wants to see a multicultural menu. I can see why it's important to be in Singapore for a bunch of American chefs to cook for American judges at a party thrown by an American. The chefs will have to cook each dish to order, so no dumping a giant serving platter on the table and calling it a day. The chefs are dismissed back to their hotel, where they settle in to plan their menu. Kevin wants to work with cockles. Angelo waffles over chicken livers, while Kelly volunteers to make a red curry with fish and prawns. Ed is drawn to pork belly. Kelly wonders aloud if they need to make more than four dishes. "I personally don't think so," Ed says. Kevin agrees that if they weren't doing things to order, it'd be a different situation, but with the time limit, it makes more sense for each chef to focus on one thing. Kelly twists her mouth, wanting to agree, but visibly worried that it won't be impressive enough. Ed reiterates twice more that it really only makes sense for each chef to do one dish, and that's eventually what they agree to do. After that's settled, everyone just sits around tensely. Angelo interviews that everybody's hearts are on the line. DRINK!

The next day, the chefs put the finishing touches on their plans. They're still not wild about having to collaborate. Ed jokes about using the hotel jelly to make his dish, and Angelo tersely tells him he wishes that Ed would take this a little more seriously. Normally, I'd tell Angelo to lighten up, as Ed was clearly just teasing, but since Ed has that dumbass immunity, I'm with Angelo. Of course, Angelo then turns around and jokes that Ed should just serve a plateful of cilantro and bean paste, so what do I know? Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience with Asian food some more. Sigh. I was really excited for these Singapore episodes, but I've found little to like so far about anything but the tour of the street market. Speaking of which, the chefs head there to pick up additional ingredients, and must rely on the opinions of the vendors as to what the best product is. Ed discovers some fritter batter that catches his eye, and he decides on the spur of the moment that he's now going to do two dishes instead of one. Not that he shares this information with his "team". Angelo says he's happy that Ed has immunity, because it's a double-edged sword.

Tiffany: "You only think that because you don't have it."

Back at whatever kitchen they've been assigned to, the chefs get started on their one hour of prep work. Angelo whips himself into a hysterical froth. Ed needles him annoyingly, grinning in interview that he's working on getting Angelo eliminated. So far, all he's accomplished is a large need to shut the fuck up. Kevin implores his cockles to wake up. Kelly seems happy with how her prawn curry is coming along. Into this scene walks Ptom, and this is usually where I'd tell you that he spends a fair chunk of the episode Ptimewasting. But not tonight! Lest you think I'm warming up to tell you that Ptom's presence during the prep actually accomplishes something positive for once, it's actually the polar opposite. He's miffed that the chefs are only serving four dishes, and essentially orders them to double it. Got that? He's directly affecting the food prepared and the focus put into each dish, which he will then turn around and judge the quality of. What a douche.

Ed sucks up, and tells Ptom that he was planning to make two dishes all along. Oh, maybe you could find a couple of ingredients up Ptom's ass, since you seem content to root around in there. At this point, nothing about this episode has had anything to do with selecting a talented chef; it's all been reality show bullshit. So I don't see why I should spend an inordinate amount of time covering it. Let's just hit the highlights. The non-immune chefs are not pleased with Ed, but don't have time to make a big deal of it, as they need to get going on their second dishes. Kelly cuts herself, and leaks blood all over the floor. Time runs out.

Interstitial. The chefs go prawn fishing, which looks like all kinds of fun, though that's probably because they edited out all the boring parts of fishing, which is about nine-tenths.

The next day, the chefs head for the beach club where the party is taking place. After an additional ninety minutes of prep, it's go time. Angelo tells us that the chefs are cooking their hearts out. DRINK! Ed needles him some more. The Singaporean waitstaff enters, and Ed brings them up to speed on the menu. The judges get seated at their table. In addition to Padma, Gail, and Ptom, we have Seetoh and Dana Cowin. I'm blinded by the multiculturalism. Kevin's cockles won't open. They finally start to cooperate as the first orders come trickling in. There are issues with the waitstaff that mostly boil down to the language barrier, but the chefs are able to roll with the punches. The first set of dishes go out for the judges, who are wearing earpieces for some reason. Kelly has made a chilled cucumber yogurt soup with bitter melon. Everyone likes the bright zing it has. Kevin's clam chowder has "flavors of Southeast Asia", whatever that means. This is the dish with the aforementioned cockles, and the judges heartily enjoy it. Angelo's sweet-and-spicy shrimp broth has ginger and prawn dumplings. The judges love this one too, calling it complicated, yet comforting.

The next batch of dishes goes out. Angelo has a lamb tartare with a rambutan ceviche and curry oil. It's another hit. Dana doesn't usually enjoy tartares, but likes this one. Ed has sweet-and-sour pork, with crispy rice and potato cakes, finished with some gai lan. Also a hit. Ed douches at Angelo some more. I get the sense that we're supposed to find this mischievous and delightful, but honestly, he's just getting on my nerves.

Next batch. Kevin has done a 63-degree farm egg with pearl tapioca and some radish. It's his version of a congee, which was the only thing that brought me solace the last time I had the flu. It's another hit, and the riskiest thing Kevin has made in a while. Kelly has seared prawns in a spicy red coconut curry, and some crispy prawn heads on top. A guava salad is served on the side. More positive response, though Ptom is more measured about it this time. Ed has banana fritters with red chili paste. I'd be curious to try those. The judges are over the moon for them. Service winds down. Dana stands up and thanks the diners for coming to the party.

Phooey (as the guests): "Shut up, you crusty old white lady!"

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs are pretty pleased with how they operated as a team. Padma comes in and summons everyone to Judges' Table. Once they're lined up, Ptom tells them that they've put forth the best food of the season for this challenge. We get into the individual dishes, and it's mostly all good news. Angelo's tuna tartare was smooth, and his prawn soup was intense and bold. The only problem was that the soup was too thick and a bit too salty, almost as if it were a sauce instead of a soup. Gail tells him the flavors were so intense that it was kind of like a smack in the face.

Panny: "Luckily, she's into that."

Kelly's cucumber soup was terrific, but her fish had some texture issues. The curry was good, but could have used a bit more heat. Her guava/apple salad was nice and refreshing. Ed's pork was delicious, as were his fritters. His rice cakes could have used some deep frying, but otherwise, he's golden. Kevin's clam chowder was refined, but could have used some heat. Sensing a theme? His congee, on the other hand, was terrific. Seetoh says it could have used a bit of texture, but it's a minor quibble. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed did a great job, despite his immunity. Ptom says that Kelly's shrimp dish was good, but didn't stand out. Here's where I would pause and ask him how he thinks her shrimp dish would taste if she had been allowed to focus on just doing that, instead of having to throw that soup together as well. Would she have done the same things? Would she have made it more complex, since she'd have had more time to think about it? Would her preparation have been cleaner if she hadn't been in such a panic and cut her hand? In other words, would Kelly's shrimp have been as disappointing if you, the HEAD JUDGE, hadn't had a direct influence on its preparation? Kelly's soup had some problems with its fish, but it was better than Angelo's salty broth. His tartare, on the other hand, was perfection. Kevin's chowder was elegant, and his congee was outstanding. Ptom thinks it would have been better with some herbaceous elements. Hang on, I have to go add "Herbaceous Elements" to the Awesome Band Name list.

Elimination. First, the winner. The theme of the season stays strong, as Ed sweeps another episode. LabRat is delighted. Limecrete is less so, though I admit that his fritters looked great. Now, to the bad news. Kelly. Please pack your knives and go. Crap, crap, crap. She gives the other chefs hugs, as Angelo begins to weep. In her final interview, she admits that the competition was a lot tougher than she thought it was going to be, which makes her thankful for what she has back home. She shakes the judges' hands, and tells them that she's a better chef because of this experience. Aw, that was sweet. She wishes she could have won, but seems as at peace with her elimination as one can be.

The final three are jazzed to make it to the finals. Who will win?!?! Will it be Lackluster Winner #1, Lackluster Winner #2, or Lackluster Winner #3?!?! The suspense is killzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... As the episode closes, Padma comes in and asks to see everyone at Judges' Table again. "Even me?" Ed says. Yes, even you, Ed. Being teacher's pet only gets you so far.

Overall Grade: C-

Beaumont, We Have a Problem

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: We got taken out to the ballgame, but nobody bought us any peanuts or Cracker Jacks. Angelo declined to help Amanda out of her jam, while Kevin declined to act like an adult. Ed won the challenge, while Amanda won a trip back home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In addition to the usual fine spread of meats, cheeses, and wines, our gracious hosts put together a spectacular fruit salad. I'm glad I was able to get my hands on such fine peaches before summer ends. For Drinking Game Rule #12, why don't you take a nice swig whenever Ed and Tiffany interact in such a way that their partners back home probably wouldn't appreciate.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Kevin admits he's dodged some big bullets. And how. Take a look at the seventeen chefs that started out the season, and tell me you thought he would make it to this point. Out on the smoking patio, Angelo and Kelly talk about their lives back home. Kelly misses her husband, while Angelo talks about his marriage imploding because his ex-wife's family didn't approve of his career. Huh? What's to disapprove of? It's not like he sells Shake Weights out of his basement. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Dana Cowin, who always shows up to guest judge towards the end of the season. Ed describes one of the quirks of the social media age, and tells us he's Facebook friends with her, even though he's sure she has no idea who he is. Heh. Much like last week, the challenge is fairly uninspired. All the chefs have to do is select a wine, then make a dish to pair with that wine. Even if the pairings turn out to matter a great deal -- which they won't -- this gives the chefs almost complete freedom, and thus, no restrictions to challenge their skills. This kind of Quickfire is fine once in a while, but not two in a row, and not for the final five chefs, who should have an obstacle or two. So, let's skip the wine selection and get to the good part. The "good part", incidentally, is not Padma's outfit. She looks like she needs to rush off and open doors for Upper East Side apartment dwellers. The good part is that there is a prize attached to this Quickfire. The winner gets a trip to London, which would be fantastic. I love London.

Padma starts the hour countdown, and the chefs rush off to get their ingredients. Kevin attempts to braise his pork belly in the pressure cooker. Kelly asks anyone if they've got some spare time, which confused me greatly until I realized that she was asking if anyone had some spare thyme. She's working with wild boar and blue cheese. Ed grabs a ribeye, as does Tiffany. Kevin realizes that his pork belly will never be done on time, and decides to start from scratch with quail. He's upset about the whole situation, but it's too late to do anything about it. Time runs out.

Padma and Dana go down the line. Tiffany has crusted her beef with cocoa and black pepper, and serves it atop a spring risotto. Huh, I never would have considered pepper and cocoa together. It sounds intriguing. Kevin has put forth some grilled quail with apples, and a fennel salad with apple vinaigrette. Angelo has sauteed foie gras with black salt and a fennel salad in a cumin/basil broth. WANT. That looks fantastic. Kelly has wild boar tenderloin in blackberry sauce with mache and a blue cheese emulsion. Ed's grilled ribeye is served with potato risotto and a mushroom ragout. Results. First in the bottom two is Kevin, whose quail couldn't stand up to the wine. He's followed by Kelly, whose blue cheese foam took her dish off the charts, and not in the good way. The top two are Angelo, whose dish was good and substantial, and Tiffany, who made a terrific reduction and seasoned her meat well. The winner of the challenge and the trip to London is... Angelo. He's pleased to have gotten his groove back without having to go on an expensive beach vacation and pick up Taye Diggs.

Padma tells the chefs that the final Elimination Challenge will be more important than ever, as it will determine the chefs who will go on to cook in the final rounds in... Singapore. Oh, snap! That sounds fun. Especially if they ask the chefs to impress locals with Singaporean food. Angelo tells us that he "feels Asian inside -- 100% I tingle when I think about it." Settle down, spaz. He really wants to go to the finals now, more than ever. DRINK! Padma tells the chefs that they'll be getting the details of this challenge at NASA, which geeks everyone out. Kelly happily tells us that she went to space camp when she was a kid. Nerd! Later, the chefs head to the Goddard Space Flight Center, where they're met by Ptom and Vicki Kloeris, the head food scientist for NASA. Now, I don't have anything against adults with braces, but this lady reminds me so much of a grownup version of Logainne SchwartzandGrubenierre, I'm just going to go ahead and call her Logainne for the rest of the recap. I'm gunning for firstht prizttth!

Panny: "That low lighting in the flight center is not doing her any favors."

My science nerd heart flutters when the chefs get a video message from two of the astronauts on the space station, who gamely release some freeze-dried food packets so they can float around in zero gravity. They explain that the challenge is for the chefs to make a dish that fulfills all of the requirements to be served in space, nutritionally, taste-wise, and of course, practically. So, no poached eggs, please. The winning dish will be recreated at the NASA food labs and flown up to the space station. That's pretty awesome. The chefs will be serving a table of eight diners that will include Buzz Aldrin. Logainne hints that successfully freeze-dried food will not contain a lot of sugar, nor will it be presented in gigantic chunks. Astronauts love themselves some spicy food, though. The chefs are equal parts excited and terrified at this point.

Shopping. Ed stocks up on Moroccan ingredients. Tiffany inquires after fresh whitefish. Angelo rams his cart into some poor, unsuspecting shopper. Kevin's game plan is to make comfort food to remind the astronauts of home. Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their prep work. Tiffany puts some mussels in the fridge. Kevin notes with concern that the other chefs are going for more ethnic dishes, while he's focusing on pure Americana. Tiffany is proud of her sauce. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. The segment stays true to its name. Towards the end of prep time, Kelly discovers that the refrigerator has gotten too cold. Tiffany's mussels have frozen, and are now unusable. She gives us the titular quote that I simply could not improve upon. Back at the house, Tiffany frets, and Ed tries to buck up her spirits. Kevin tells us for perhaps the thousandth time this episode that despite his mistakes, he's resilient and will keep on fighting for the win. Consider it understood. No need for another thousand reminders.

The next day, the chefs discover a note in their kitchen. It tells them that that their ride to the challenge is waiting, and whoever wins the challenge gets to keep the car. Nice! If the prospect of getting their food shot into space wasn't enough incentive, this certainly is. Once at their destination, the chefs get an additional hour to get their food ready. The executive chef of the trade center where they're cooking tells them to ask if they need anything. Unfortunately, he's not able to provide the one thing they truly need, which is a lot more square footage. Everyone is crammed into a pretty tight space. Tiffany decides to finish her sauce a different way, since she won't be able to use her mussels. An adorable shot of her working at IHOP back in the day is shown. Angelo thinks his sauce is too sweet, and course corrects. Ed decides to leave a layer of fat on his ribs. Same goes for the ones in the pan. Thank you! I'm here all week! A frustratingly tight plating area is set up.

Out in the appropriately space-themed dining room, the diners get seated. In addition to Padma, Ptom, and Eric, we have Buzz Aldrin, Logainne, Anthony Bourdain, and astronauts Sandra Magnus and Leland Melvin. It's a good thing he's an astronaut, because if he weren't, there's nowhere for a "Leland Melvin" to go except accounting or chess-playing. Kelly's dish goes out first. She has made pan-roasted Alaskan halibut, with an artichoke and fennel barigoule, and some salsa verde. The diners like the fish a great deal, but the amount of sauce presents a problem for Logainne. "You couldn't have this much extraneous fluid in space," she says, giving me something to nonsensically quote for a week. Thanks, Logainne! Sandra likes the crunch of the artichokes, saying that it's not often a texture found in space foods.

Ed finishes up his plating in a sea of sweat. He explains his Moroccan influence to the diners, and presents yogurt-marinated rack of lamb, with an eggplant puree and a couscous croquette on hummus. That looks delightful. Again, the flavors are great, but there is a practical problem. In this case, it's the bone jutting out of the lamb. Astronauts can't wander to the curbside trashcan, so they try to generate as little waste as possible. Eric sniffs that the dish is too complicated, and Anthony nails him, saying that Ed captured the spirit of Moroccan food perfectly. Kevin has made New York strip steak with a bacon/jalapeno marmalade, corn puree, and crisped onions. Again, the food is well-received, and again, there's a bit of an issue, because there's no way the onions would be able to maintain their texture in the freeze-drying process. Sandra likes it anyway. She shares the story of a cosmonaut who left the USSR to go up into space, and by the time he came back down, it was Russia. There's a mindfuck for you. Hey, your country completely changed identities while you were gone. Hope that's okay!

Tiffany is up next, and regrets not being able to use those mussels. She's got pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a coconut curry, snow pea shoots, and jasmine rice. Not to speak for others, but I'm not sure an astronaut who downs a load of curry would be very popular with his shipmates. Eric is not wild about her sauce, saying that it doesn't really come together to elevate the halibut. Anthony loves the inclusion of fish sauce. Leland talks about greedy astronauts on the space station who didn't share their ice cream the last time he made a delivery. Well, that was a little stingy of them. He didn't exactly roll up in a van with a bell on it to deliver it. Angelo comes out with his ginger-lacquered short ribs, with a horseradish creme fraiche sauce, pickled mushrooms, and a pea puree. DRINK! Buzz enjoys the mushrooms, though he wonders how they would be packaged for a space journey. Ptom hates the candied ginger, but likes everything else. Eric again comes up with a miniscule complaint, and Bourdain again nails him for being too picky. It's kind of awesome. Back in the kitchen, Angelo is emotional, because he feels like he "put his heart on the plate". Ew. Padma thanks the diners, and dinner winds down.

Interstitial. The chefs tear into each other's leftovers, and anxiety permeates the room. Nobody out-and-out screwed up, so anyone could take the challenge at this point. Kevin reminds us again that he really, really, really wants to go to the finals. YES. WE'VE. GOT. IT.

Judges' Table. What's this? Odd Asian Music and Gong are back! Here I thought they were gone forever. Welcome! All the chefs come into the dining room. Ptom congratulates them on a wonderful meal, and tells them that the difference between the winner and loser is very small. That will be cold comfort to the losing chef, but it's nice to hear that everyone turned it out. Bourdain tells Ed that a million things could have gone wrong with his Moroccan dish, but nothing did, and he really pulled it off. Eric says that it was too complicated, but clearly shows that Ed has talent. Tiffany's fish was well-cooked, but her tomatoes were a bit mealy, and the skin on the peppers was bitter. Tiffany explains her troubles with the mussels, and the judges seem to understand what she was aiming for. Bourdain wishes she would have used a stronger fish to stand up to her sauce.

Kelly's artichokes were perfect. Angelo's crystallized ginger was too sugary, but the rest of the plate was great. Angelo responds that he wanted to focus on precision, and that he feels like he "made love" to his short ribs. I'm starting to sense that Angelo's choice of profession was not his ex-wife's problem; it's that he constantly says things like that. Bourdain admits that he has no idea what Angelo is blathering on about, but that he loved the dish. Kevin's meat was cooked perfectly, and the bacon/jalapeno sauce gave it a nice kick. Ptom's only problem was that he wishes the steak would have been cut thicker. Because it's not like Logainne specifically warned the chefs against doing just that. Except for the part where she did. Nimrod. Anthony calls his dish a bit safe, but Kevin is ready for that one, admitting that he was purposely aiming for familiar, comforting food. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed accomplished his goals, had a nice presentation, and displayed great technique. Eric's favorite was Kelly's dish, but her food wasn't particularly creative. Angelo's plate was great, though Ptom harps again on the ginger. Kevin paid attention to the astronauts' wishes, and his food was delicate, if a bit boring. Tiffany's curry sauce was great, but she had multiple little problems that all worked against her. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. First, the good news. The challenge winner will not only have their food served in space, and not only get a copy of Bourdain's new book, and not only win a car, and not only move onto the finals in Singapore, but has been invited to watch one of the two remaining shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. Damn, tonight's winner is cleaning up! That winner is... Angelo, who has won all those prizes in addition to his Quickfire London trip. For once, he's struck almost speechless, and needs some time to process all this good news. He's dismissed back to the Kitchen. Now, for the bad news. Each of the remaining four chefs did an admirable job, but someone has to be the unlucky one to go home. Tiffany. Please pack your knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Kevin thanks Jesus. Oh, shut up, prick. Jesus hates you.

Tiffany thanks the judges for the opportunity, and goes back to the Kitchen, where Angelo gives her a giant hug. In her final interview, she tells us that it's difficult to come so far and not be able to go on to the finals. It's hard for us too, girl! The remaining chefs come back to say good-bye. Ed sings Tiffany's praises as he hugs her. DRINK! Tiffany is naturally upset, but tells us that she's happy to have been part of the competition. And don't forget the free wedding and honeymoon you got! That should help cheer you up on the trip back home.

Overall Grade: B