The Elements

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: Movie-inspired food. Richard stepped up and took charge, which worked out well for his team. There's no way Richard being in charge of a team could ever go awry! Spike talked Manuel into making Vietnamese food. Antonia and Zoi chose an impossible movie to translate into food, and paid the price by being summoned to the losers' table. Both survived when Manuel, who had clearly been toast since the first episode, got chopped for taking too much of a backseat. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Aside from the usual assortment of cheeses, crackers, meats, and wines, I opted for health, and brought some sliced bell peppers. Then shot health to hell by dipping them in ranch dressing.

Morning in Chicago. Industrious people are already out and busy, while the chefs are still stirring themselves from bed. Antonia and Zoi are really pissed to have been in the bottom for the last challenge, and Jennifer also leaps to Zoi's defense. As I said last week, I agree that being in the bottom for a weak story is not grounds for elimination, but someone had to be in the bottom two, and everyone else had good food AND a good story. You're both still safe. Time to get over it. Ryan herds everyone out of the house, and very charmingly grins that it's time for someone else to go, then mouths "not me". I admit I'm easy, and would probably sneer at Dale doing the same thing. Amazingly, nothing in this first segment makes it completely obvious who's getting cut tonight. You mean suspense is a good thing? Who woulda thunk it? Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Ming Tsai, who will hopefully not be as much of a dick this time. Lisa tells us she's a big fan of his East-meets-West style of cuisine.

Panny: "That thing in her eyebrow bugs me."

Padma tells the chefs that this round is all about good taste, and Ming emphasizes that a chef with a poor palate will never be a great success. I wish they could take some time to explain what they think is the difference between a good palate and matters of taste and opinion, but I suppose that would cut into the high drama of pointless bitching. Um...spoiler. Padma tells everyone that it's time to test how sensitive their palates are, and whips out a blindfold. The chefs giggle. Antonia is extremely excited, interviewing that the blindfold test is her favorite kind of Quickfire. This blindfold test is a little different than in seasons past. The chefs will taste pairs of ingredients. One will be high-quality gourmet, and the other, cheap swill. The chefs will have twenty seconds to identify which of the items is woefully overpriced, and the one who gets the most right, gets immunity. Andrew parrots Ming's line about how important a good palate is, but points out that being blindfolded throws an extra wrench into the works.

The chefs go one by one into a dramatically lit Kitchen. Ryan gets syrup and bacon correct. Padma has a bit of an issue pulling the blindfold down over Stephanie's frizzy hair. Stephanie gets crab incorrect, picking the one that's $4.99/lb over the one that's $24.99/lb. This is what I meant about the difference between palate and taste. Is it a fact that Stephanie has bad taste in crab? Or is it that crab is crab, and no matter if you buy it at the Try 'n' Save or Pierre's Gourmet House of Crustaceans, it's essentially the same meat? Actually, crab is a bad example, as any boy from Baltimore could easily tell the difference, but you get what I'm saying. Dale gets chocolate correct. Lisa misses one, but gets butter and Cheddar cheese correct. Dale gets the Asian ingredients right, but misses caviar. Jennifer gets pork correct. Mark misses something. Richard gets something. He even gets olive oil, which is impressive. It's not like people take swigs from the bottle. At least I don't. I don't presume to know your life. He interviews that coming in the bottom three in this challenge would be a big embarrassment. Antonia comes at the challenge with calm confidence. She tastes the two ingredients with separate fingers, and gets something correct. Zoi gets something. Andrew misses something. Sake, maybe?

The chefs gather for the results. The lowest score was six out of fifteen. Ouch. I think I could get six out of fifteen. That score goes to Stephanie, who never seems content to place in the middle of challenges. She either excels or sucks mightily. She shrugs off never having won immunity. I'd worry more about my bosses hearing I can barely tell any foods apart. There is a tie for runner-up, with eleven out of fifteen. That goes to Ryan and Jennifer. Zoi says she's a little irritated with Jen beating her, as she'd like to have bragging rights. Zoi, based on challenge placement so far this season, I wouldn't count on it. The winner got twelve out of fifteen. It's Antonia, which Ming pronounces with a melodramatically-intoned Italian accent. Has he been watching Golden Girls reruns, too? There was more mangled Italian in that show than there is at Mama Campisis's. Don't ever go there, St. Louisans. Bleh. Antonia is happy to win, giving herself a little pat on the back in interview. Padma reminds her that she's got immunity in the Elimination Challenge, which is coming up...

Right now! The challenge is to cook for a celebrity chef charity ball, benefitting Meals on Wheels. Chicago's cooking elite will be preparing the second through fourth courses, but the contestants will be making the first course. Stephanie "six-out-of-fifteen" Izard says that people who go to these events are used to very high-quality ingredients. Ming says the most important thing to remember is to keep things simple. The theme of the event is "The Four Elements", so the chefs' food will be inspired by Earth, Air, Fire, or Water. Once again, we head to the trusty knife block to divide everyone into teams. They shake out to be:

Air: Nikki, Jennifer, and Ryan
Earth: Antonia, Spike, and Zoi
Fire: Lisa, Dale, and Stephanie
Water: Andrew, Richard, and Mark

Padma gives the chefs fifteen minutes to plan the menu. That is a brutally short amount of time. They have to figure out an inspiration, guess at what will stay in the budget, and figure out what's able to be executed properly for eighty people in fifteen minutes? Yikes. Padma and Ming leave them to it, and the chefs clump into their teams. Richard suggests raw fish. Jennifer suggests duck or chicken for Air, which makes sense. Although chickens don't really take to the air. Except that one time. Nikki wants to add a bit more imagination than just using a bird. Over at Earth, Spike suggests butternut squash soup. That's a good idea. Antonia disagrees, because the theme of this challenge is good taste, and she worries soup isn't fancy enough. However, "if you two are totally into soup, I will make a fucking good soup with you". You know, just in case that statement needs to be entered into evidence later or anything. Um...spoiler. Spike frets that being on a team with someone who has immunity is nerve-wracking. Antonia thinks making carpaccio is much more elegant. Oof. She's losing the thread of the challenge again. Last week, she concentrated on the food so much, she lost sight of the movie aspect. And here she is again, talking about carpaccio, which has absolutely no connection to Earth.

Stephanie thinks techniques that use fire could figure into their inspiration. Dale suggests a warm beef tartare. Yes, Dale. That's what would bring "fire" to my mind: Raw meat. Lisa tells him she's not a fan of this idea, and he persists in saying that they could wrap it around a deviled egg. That is the worst idea I've ever heard. Fire is probably the easiest element to drive food inspiration, and his grand idea is a deviled fucking egg? Weak. Of course, I wouldn't bring it up if he weren't going to get offended when someone else supposedly steals his thunder later. Um...spoiler. Stephanie actually likes the egg idea, which lowers her in my estimation considerably. Thankfully for them, Lisa refuses to go along with it, which causes Dale to interview that she's a "negative person", so he won't be able to work well with her. Yes, Dale, who plays pool alone because he "wants to remove himself from the human side of the competition". Dale, who shreds his teammates' food, agrees to serve it, then removes himself from any responsibility for its quality. He just can't work with those negative people! Stephanie worries about Lisa-the-strong-personality and Dale-the-self-proclaimed-asshole butting heads. When time runs out, they still haven't settled on anything.

Commercials. Remember way back when Jet Li said he wasn't going to do any more kung fu type of movies? Guess somebody got a nice, cold splash of reality.

Richard reminds us what the challenge is, as the chefs wander into Whole Foods with $500 and forty-five minutes to shop. Most of the teams still haven't fully conceived their dishes. Richard suggests buying fish to poach in a water bath. Team Air heads straight for the duck, while Team Fire bickers in the front of the store about what they're going to do. Dale suggests rubbing beef tenderloin with hot spices. Getting there. Certainly better than the egg idea. Lisa likes the idea of spice, but wants to do an Asian-style dish. Dale doesn't like that idea. Stephanie works on being as inconspicuous as possible. Lisa interviews that Ming Tsai is the first guest judge who cooks in a style that she's comfortable with, so she's really dead-set on Asian.

Spike passively asks Antonia if they're going to get screwed for just doing carpaccio, vinaigrette, and salad. Antonia says they won't, because they're focusing on high-quality ingredients. Spike makes it clear that he's not on board with the idea they're riding. He interviews that since Antonia has immunity, she should probably take more of a backseat in the planning of this challenge. We never see him step up and tell Antonia this. I agree with him that letting someone with immunity bulldoze you into a concept you're not comfortable with is a bad idea, but beyond mentioning that he's not loving the dish idea, he's not pressing it any further. Scratch that, he also passively asks if they think it would be too much to add a shot of butternut squash soup on the side. Antonia wonders if the soup would go with the carpaccio. Zoi doesn't really take a side. Spike... Hold on. I can't go any further without mentioning this monstrosity of a hat. I could put up with the jaunty fedoras, and I could put up with the Dick Tracy hat, but Spike is now wearing a ballcap made out of straw. No, really. Any place that would manufacture and sell such an item must be called the House of Tools. Anyway, he interviews that he's essentially giving up on convincing the ladies to do anything different for the course.

Team Fire hears that Team Earth is doing carpaccio, and instead of laughing their asses off that their competitors are making something so antithetical to their element, they decide to rethink their course AGAIN. Lisa is freaking out that they have no real idea what they're doing. Dale wishes she'd relax. Stephanie comes up with an idea to do a spicy shrimp, and when Dale mentions making a spicy chili pepper salad to go with it, everyone's on board. Lisa goes to grab some bacon. Everyone scurries around to grab their last-minute purchases, and checks out.

The next day, the chefs walk into the building where the event is being held, and the kitchen provided for them is enormous. They get going on their two and a half hours of prepping and cooking time. Antonia starts prepping the vegetables and fungi for their dish, interviewing that she'll contribute 100% to this challenge, despite her immunity. Spike thinly slices the filet, while Zoi is in charge of marinating and finishing off the mushrooms. Spike interviews that while this wasn't his idea, he has to show that he's just as enthusiastic about this dish as he'd be about his own idea for butternut squash soup. Richard starts on his sous-vide poached salmon. Mark makes a parsnip/vanilla puree, while Andrew makes a salad and does the same faux caviar he made last week. Team Fire grills their shrimp. Lisa is in charge of smoking the bacon, and Dale throws together a chili salad. Lisa explains she has a special method for making bacon. All the fat sides face the same direction, so that when the meat cooks, the bacon fuses into a solid layer that can be cut any which way. She's also making a special glaze that will provide an interesting miso flavor.

Team Air is working on duck breast, herb salad, and they'll also be serving a shot of Prosecco. Jennifer interviews that since this is an Elimination Challenge, the food needs to be spot-on. She's cooking the duck breast, and making sure each one is done perfectly. Lisa crabs because Nikki's equipment is in Team Fire's station. Nikki doesn't really seem to hear her, but Dale sure does, which gives us another opportunity to hear about how he just can't abide those negative people. Lisa admits in interview that she can certainly be that bitch everyone hates, but the food won't be served until it's perfect. Nikki interviews... And again we must stop, because what in the holy hell is going on with her hair? Does she have a Carmela Soprano audition later? Anyway, she thinks that Ryan is getting frazzled, because he forgot to reserve some pomegranate juice for the... Pomeranian? That can't be what she said. Ah, the closed captioning is under the impression that she said "Pomerini", but since the web is curiously silent on what that entails, I'm going with Pomeranian. It'd certainly make for a more interesting drink. Nikki finds something else to juice (limes, maybe), but pauses to chide Ryan for cursing. Jeez, if she can't handle some swearing, it's no wonder she fell apart in the first Quickfire.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He asks Spike what it's like working with Antonia and Zoi. Spike glows insincerely about how nice it is to work with women. If you have this episode taped, it's worth going back to watch Antonia's expression upon hearing this. Nearest translation: "You could not be more full of shit if you tried." After ascertaining who's in charge of cooking what, Ptom moves on to Team Water, where Richard and Andrew suck up to an embarrassing degree. Ptom doesn't buy into it. After giving us his impressions (not worth the keystrokes), the chefs go into their usual flurry of chaos, which is bit more hard-edged than before. The goodwill is draining fast. Zoi sighs that challenges involve a lot of compromise.

Commercials. Ooh, I want to win that block party hosted by Casey! Now I just need to figure out how to win without technically entering or putting forth any effort whatsoever.

When we return, the party's in full swing. The chefs plate up in the kitchen. Richard's not used to plating eighty pieces of fish at once, so he's more nervous than usual. Right before they transfer the fish to the plates, Andrew spots some scales that weren't caught when Richard cleaned it. Richard says they'll just recheck the fish as they move it. Ptom addresses the guests out front. One lady is very Catherine Keeneresque. A fleet of waiters moves into the kitchen, ready to go. Spike thinks Zoi's mushrooms are underseasoned, but she's happy with them. Time runs out.

Team Water's plates are taken out first. They've made sous-vide poached salmon with faux caviar, the parsnip/vanilla puree, and a watercress salad. Andrew continues to worry about the scales, as well he should. The judges find plenty on their plates. Ming seems to be impressed by the faux caviar, but the other judges have been there, done that. Ptom says that there are foods that are good when put through the sous-vide method, but salmon's not one of them. Team Fire's plates are served. They've got their grilled shrimp on a pickled chili salad, some deviled aioli, and miso-smoked bacon. Everyone enjoys the shrimp. Ptom appears to gear up for a snit about how they're kind of spicy, but another diner points out that, duh, this is Team Fire. Other diners also enjoy the kick the spice gave. Team Air's food goes out. It's duck breast with a citrus salad, and a pomegranate Prosecco aperitif. Nikki's fairly proud of the food they put out, but the judges aren't as thrilled. Gail and Ming aren't happy that the fat isn't rendered, and Ptom's not a fan of the recent little-drink-with-food trend. Team Earth's food goes out. It's beef carpaccio with a mushroom salad, and a sunchoke aioli. Gail disapproves of the use of rosemary. Jeez, if ever find myself cooking for Gail, remind me to never make anything with rosemary. All the judges find the plate bland, and not a bit earthy. Spike reminds us that he isn't on-board with his team's concepts.

A random diner happily says that if she were in charge, someone from Team Earth would definitely be going home. The lady sitting next to her says "Ouch!" Those two are having fun. The diners actually do get a say. They fill out comment cards, which will be taken into account by the judges. The judges discuss their impressions. Gail and Padma agree that Team Fire's dish was terrific, especially the bacon. Team Water's cooking method was ill-advised, and their fish had scales on it. Team Air was blah, but Gail did enjoy their citrus salad. Team Earth was roundly disappointing, and the mushrooms had almost no seasoning. Ptom says that seasoning food properly is a basic skill, so that bugged him more than anything else. The judges head out. Back in the kitchen, Teams Earth and Fire are feeling good about themselves, but Richard senses danger for Team Water. They pack up, and head back to the Kitchen for their usual fret 'n' sweat.

Commercials. Book your vacation through Expedia! You know, assuming any airlines are still in business by the end of the commercial.

Judges' Table. Alcohol is passed around the Kitchen. Richard worries. Padma comes back, and summons Team Fire to the table. Padma congratulates them on being the top team, and they exchange high tens and hugs. Stephanie explains that the dish's concept took them a while, and really came together while they were shopping. Dale explains his idea for the chili salad, but the judges ignore him in favor of praising Stephanie's shrimp and Lisa's bacon. Ptom compliments all of them for melding their individual components into one great dish. Padma tells them that the team member who Ming feels is most responsible for their success will win a five-night trip for two to Italy. Nice! Ming says it's a tough choice, but while all three components tasted good, Lisa's tasted good AND showed an imaginative, impressive technique, so she wins. Heh, where was Lisa the Technique Queen last week? She's thrilled to win.

Dale's interview must be related verbatim: "She made bacon. And she gets a trip to Italy? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm bitter." Ya think? Good thing you abhor negative people! I'm not sure what bugs me most. 1) He's implying that she just tossed bacon strips into the oven, then onto a plate, like she works at Denny's or something. Her technique was obviously more refined than that. 2) Even if her bacon had been simple, he...chopped up chili peppers and marinated them. Oooh, Julia Child's got nothing on you! 3) If Lisa hadn't spoken up early and decisively, Dale would have served a deviled egg, been deservedly excoriated, and wound up at the losers' table. Lisa is most definitely the person who guided this team to the win, and has pretty much earned the prize on that score alone. Go nurse your wounded ego back at the house, Dale. Your naked insecurity tires me.

Padma asks Team Fire to send back some of their colleagues. Lisa's win is applauded in the Kitchen, and she tells Teams Earth and Water that they're headed to the losers' table. The losing teams are wished luck. Dale sulks some more. Odd Asian music. Gong. The judges start with Team Water. Naturally, as Richard was not only team leader, but the one who cleaned the fish, he's the one that's in trouble. Half the people at the judges' dinner table had scales on their fish, which is a much bigger issue than just missing a few. The judges also point out their texture issues with sous-vide salmon, although that's more a matter of taste. Andrew's faux caviar technique was nice, but needed more flavor. Mark made the parsnip puree, and Ptom says he doesn't understand what it was even doing on the plate. He asks Mark what it was meant to accomplish, and there's an awkward silence. Mark eventually says that he thinks the parsnip's flavor complements salmon well. Ptom disagrees, saying it didn't add to the dish at all.

On to Team Earth. Antonia is asked if she, with her wonderfully immune palate, tasted everything before it went out. She did, and says that she thought it tasted great. Ptom says that the entire dish was bland and underseasoned. They're asked what they each did. Spike sliced the carpaccio and made the aioli, Zoi made the mushrooms and salad, and Antonia did the prep work. Ming says again that everything needed more seasoning, and Zoi explains that it probably came about because they didn't want to overpower the meat. She also says that she generally has a heavy hand when it comes to seasoning, and didn't taste anything off in the mushrooms. Gail says that the one flavor that came through was the rosemary, which was too potent. Well, did everything need more seasoning or did something need less? Make up your minds, please. Spike says they should have added some lemon or something.

Padma asks how they conceptualized the dish. Spike mentions his initial idea for butternut squash soup, and Antonia admits that she was totally against that idea. Padma wonders why Antonia had that much of a say, since she had immunity, and Antonia says that having immunity didn't stop her from voicing an opinion. Spike actually interrupts her to snap that no, it sure didn't stop her at all. I really can't fathom why he did that. She's immune; he's not going to get the judges to turn against her. Plus, he's standing at losers' table, and she's openly admitting that she drove the dish's concept. Wouldn't that be a good thing from Spike's standpoint? Weirdo. The judges twist the knife by saying that soup would have been a brilliant (and much more earthy) idea. Ming blahs something about how making a good soup is the test of a good cook in France. How utterly irrelevant, thank you. Ptom becomes an unusual voice of reason when he says that making beef carpaccio isn't an issue, but making a bad one is. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, the first thing out of Spike's mouth is that they should have made butternut squash soup. So he's overlooking what Ptom just said in order to bolster his case. Handy. I happen to agree with him that his idea was better. But you can't have an idea, willingly back off of it, and then be all "Takesies backsies! You should have listened to me!" when things don't work out. He actually lands close to the problem when he tells the others that he was too nice, and should have pushed for what he wanted to do. Not that doing that helped him out so much last week. Richard is convinced he's dead meat, thanks to the lackluster, scaly salmon. Jennifer rubs Zoi's shoulder, and tries to bolster her confidence. The judges rehash their deliberations. Fish scales. Salmon texture. The diners' comment cards rated Team Earth the lowest, and Ptom says that he'd love to get rid of both Spike and Zoi, because they allowed someone with immunity to dictate the concept. Apparently, Ptom HIMSELF has forgotten what he just said about the concept being fine, but the execution being off. Never mind what I said about him being the voice of reason; he's as tooly as ever. If there's a Top Chef Catch-22 I hate almost as much as "You don't take enough risks! You should have stuck to your strengths!", it's this. "You take too much of a backseat! You can't work well with others!" Anyway, Zoi's mushrooms were crap, and the mushrooms were the basis for the entire dish. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Control your asthma by taking a drug that increases the chances of asthma-related death.

Elimination. Team Water's dish sounded good on paper, but didn't work out in execution. Team Earth's dish wasn't earthy, and the judges agreed with the diners that it was the worst of the four. As you'll see, there's minimal time for chitchat, so we go straight to Padma for the cut. Zoi. Please pack your knives and go. Spike gives her a hug. Antonia looks stricken. In her final interview, Zoi says that her life is based on cooking, not competing. That's a good point, and I'm sure people who are competent when given time to think things through may not be able to perform in a stressful, competitive environment. I'm certainly one of them. But then, there's a really easy way to avoid contests like these, and that is to not sign up for them. The chefs in the Kitchen are shocked to hear that Zoi's been eliminated, though I don't really see why. This is her third losers' table in a row. Richard and Antonia wipe away tears, though they may be tears of relief. I'm not sure Richard's the emotional farewell type. Zoi very calmly tells everyone that it's fine. She did her thing, and it wasn't the right fit for the judges. She gives Jennifer a smooch, and interviews that it was great to compete as a couple. After everyone gives her a fond good-bye, Zoi packs up to go, saying that it's still a good life, all things considered. Now there's a healthy attitude.

But enough of all this good cheer! Spike picks now to yell at Antonia that she should have taken a backseat on this challenge. Not during the planning stage. Not during the shopping. Now. And again, I agree with him on substance, but what the hell good does it do once the elimination is over? Antonia argues back that she said she'd be willing to do a soup, which Spike denies. They fight in this vein for a while, until Antonia nails his coffin shut by pointing out that she said she'd do soup on film. And...whoopsie, Spike! She did. It certainly wasn't a heartfelt endorsement of soup, but she said she'd go along with it if he really wanted. Now, Jennifer starts yelling at Spike for putting his teammate in the ground, which I don't understand at all. What did Spike have to do with getting Zoi eliminated? Then, Dale yells at...Spike, I think? Who the fuck knows? Spike yells back at Jennifer that he's sure she'd prefer he go home over her girlfriend, but tough. And, point. Zoi seems like a nice woman, but she wasn't exactly burning up the competition. Dale yells some more.

Then, Lisa yells at Dale that he's just making things worse. Already embarrassed by the fact that Lisa saved his bacon, then won with hers, Dale yells back about how she bitches and moans about everything. Not like him. When I think "Dale", "cheery good humor" is always the next thing to spring to mind. Oh, and Dale does that thing when people want you to think that they've got street cred, and comes thisclose to cupping his crotch with his hand. You know how Andrew was being all wigga a couple of weeks ago?

Limecrete: "What's he doing? Is he trying to be a wigga? But not white? Is he an ai-gga?"
Tiffany: "He's being a chigga."

Lisa ignores him. Jennifer kicks a chair. Lady, did you think both of you would win together? And...the scene ends, along with any hope Zoi had of being remembered in the episode she went home for. She'll be sure to thank her girlfriend for that one.

Overall Grade: B-