America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 7
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Coryn and Fugly Lisa didn't get along. Nike and Jayla didn't get along. Jayla and reality didn't get along. Coryn and staying on the show didn't get along. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
I usually don't mention the credits, but it's pretty funny that we're only about halfway through the season, yet I can hardly remember Ashley. Somehow, I doubt I'm missing much. At the model pad, Nike reminds us how Jayla stole her secret. Well, as she's interviewing this we see a shot of her eating ice cream in bed, so it looks like you've stolen Nicole's secret, Nike. Or maybe it's cereal. Whatever. The upshot is that Nike's still upset. Jayla interviews that because Nike is treating her coldly, she must not a mature enough person to "handle the situation". I know that Nike blew the whole secret thing out of proportion, and I know that you're not really beholden to treat your competitors with the utmost kindness, but come on. I guess Nike could chop Jayla's hair off in the middle of the night so that she could get ahead in the competition, and Jayla wouldn't get upset. Or if she did, she's just not mature enough to handle the situation. Anyway, that was last week, so let's put that unpleasantness behind us and get to some fresh unpleasantness.
Morning. Tyra bursts into the model pad and tells the girls they'll be doing a photo shoot with her as the coach. Bre's excited about this. Tyra explains that it's going to be a black and white shot, but unlike the glamour shots of Cycle 1, this one's going to be "edgy and mysterious". There's actually not much to say about the shoot itself. I mean, there's a bit with Nike in the confessional wherein she wears very unflattering glasses and looks like a goon, and there's a part where Tyra gives Kim instructions on what kind of face to give to the camera, and she gives the same dead-eyed expression we've been seeing from her since day one, but that's about it. Oh, and that they seem to zoom through the girls really quickly. Not many left, are there?
That evening, Tyra Mail awaits. Nicole opens it. We can clearly see that it reads "Are you a diamond in the rough?", but Nicole screams and shouts "You are going to Paris tomorrow!!!" The girls shriek in excitement, but quickly discover that she's put one over on them. Hahahahaha! That was so awesome. They laugh off Nicole's joke good-naturedly. Fugly Lisa is sporting a top that looks like something my grandmother would wear. She and Nicole scream again, and the scream actually echoes into the next shot. Heh.
Kyle and Kim lay in their beds talking. We hear the most out of Kyle we've ever heard (uh, oh - you know what lots of screentime in an episode means) as she talks about how she followed her boyfriend to the college of his choice. Kim is aghast that Kyle would choose where to live based on where her boyfriend went. Well, not all of us can have an open relationship that allows us to suck face with large-lipped Missourians on national television, Kim. We get a short interview with Jayla, who says that Kyle isn't very intelligent. I get the feeling the editors don't like Jayla much. They really like to make her look nasty. Not that she needs much help, it seems. The next morning, the Monster Humvee takes the girls to Camp Technique, which is the dumbest name for any camp, ever. There's a trainer there who spouts some bullshit about how models need to be tough, but it's all really just an excuse to make the girls go through a filthy obstacle course. Fugly Lisa is jumping up and down in excitement. Now, I know I've been ragging on Lisa from the very start of the show. Certainly, if I ever had to live with or work with her, I'd probably wind up braining her with a frying pan. But on the show? She's kind of awesome. Think how boring things would be if she weren't getting all drunk and talking to plants and fighting with Coryn and lurching around the model pad covered in bubbles.
Fugly Lisa is up first, and she handles the obstacle course with aplomb. She's in heaven as she wriggles her way backward through a mud pit. The trainer lets the audience in on the secret that the real objective for them being there is to get them dirty. Well, duh. Fugly Lisa hugs the trainer to get mud all over him. Heh. Nicole's face is already scrunched up in disgust. Jayla goes through. She actually gets perfectly rounded mud marks on her boobs. How'd she do that? Bre. Kim. Kyle. She interviews that she can feel the mud going down her pants. Ew. I don't mind getting dirty, but yeah. Mud in the crack is not the best feeling. Nicole's a big baby about it. The front of her shirt has barely any mud on it when she's through, but she still claims she's going to barf. It's mud, not horse shit, princess. Hehehehe. Nike. Oh, Nike. As she runs the course, her pants keep coming down. And not just a little bit down, but full on pixelized ass down. Even Jayla's impressed with how Nike finished the course with her pants practically around her ankles. We even get *bawhoop!* sound effects as she yanks them back up several times. I'm loving this episode. The trainer gives the girls some more Tyra Mail, and we see them lined up. Fugly Lisa is covered in mud from head to toe. She's nothing if not enthusiastic. The Tyra Mail tells them...well, basically nothing, but they figure out that they'll have to do some sort of challenge covered in grime. They exchange looks of exasperation.
Commercials. I really don't get that commercial with the guy bolting out of the restaurant to get a Subway sandwich delivered to his table, but it doesn't have Jared in it, so I'm not complaining.
The girls get into the Monster Humvee, the seats of which are covered in plastic. Heh. Nicole's still whining about being dirty. Yes, we get it, dear. They arrive at their destination, and the driver is sure to stand clear as a stanky Bre emerges. Heh again. This episode is full of "heh". The girls go inside. Bre walks downstairs to find three staffers from ELLEgirl magazine. One of the women explains that it's a go-see, and the challenge is to let your natural personality shine through, despite being muddy. Most of the girls do fine. One of the staffers asks Jayla what makes her different (because the magazine culture for young girls is all about being unique, right? Hah.), and she replies that she's unique because she listens to hardcore rock or whatever. What a rebel! The staffers take Polaroid shots of everyone. Head staffer lady gathers the girls and says that the winner of the challenge will win a day with a fashion industry insider to get some tips on being a real model. Sounds pretty dull, but is probably helpful for them. They go down the line and critique the girls. Nothing too earth-shattering is revealed. The winner is Fugly Lisa, since she exuded so much energy and confidence. Yep, that sounds like her. Kim is in the confessional, sounding bitter about Fugly Lisa's win. I'd probably be more sympathetic to anyone else saying the same thing, but I'm not feeling too bad for Queen Deadeye, there. Stop being such a sucky poser if you want to win some challenges, Kim.
Back at the model pad, Nicole is harassing people about hurrying up in the shower. Does she not like being dirty? How come she's never said anything about it? We intercut a few times to Fugly Lisa's reward, which is as dull as I feared, so we'll just ignore it. In the model pad, Jayla's waiting her turn at the shower, and is laying on a towel on her bed. Kim walks by and kind of yells at her about getting onto the bed when she's so filthy. Man, Kim is bugging me today. It's not your bed, and she's got a towel down, so shut up. Jayla has another semi-nasty interview about how she thinks Kim is cranky because she's not doing well in the competition. For once, I agree with Jayla. Kim gets a point for self-awareness as she interviews basically the same thing: she's not doing as well as she'd like to be. Kim's a bad model. She just is. The Tyra Mail that evening tells them to be ready at 8:15 AM for a photo shoot that has something to do with cars.
And hey, here's morning now! Kim and Kyle have breakfast outside. Kim is nervous about the photo shoot; Kyle plucks her eyebrows. Ouch. The girls meet OJ at the photo shoot. For no specific reason, he looks even uglier and more plasticine than usual. There's some gross product placement, then OJ explains that the girls will be dressed as kind of a modern version of Vargas pinup girls. Fugly Lisa knows exactly what he's talking about. I love the 1940's pinup girls. And really, all that sort of pulp art. It certainly doesn't have to be women. Kyle is happy that the shoot requires them to be so girly, but Kim is even more nervous than she was before.
Commercials. I don't exactly know why, but I find that Juicy Fruit commercial with the skinny white kid and the black lady having a tug o' war over the gum completely endearing.
Kim gets a red wig pulled onto her head. Jayla interviews that she's fairly confident about the photo shoot. Ruth, the stylist assistant, helps the girls into their corsets. She tells them to let her know when they can't breathe anymore, and then she'll tighten it some more. Hee. Fugly Lisa's up first again. Richard, the photographer, goes over her poses, and she does really well. She's nothing if not versatile. OJ is impressed too. Jayla looks fairly good, but I don't like her smile. It's a fakey smile. My sister gets that smile when she knows somebody's about to take her picture. It's not flattering. That's why you've got to catch her off guard. Jayla doesn't have that luxury. Nicole is boring. Kim looks really pretty. She's still not terrific with the posing, and OJ warns her against being too butch, but she manages to pull out a good shot or two. How on Earth did they get her dress on without disturbing the wig? I'm not impressed with Nike's outfit. I don't think pinup girls in the '40s wore wife-beaters. Still, she gives some very cute "oopsie!" type poses. Kyle looks fantastic. Nike agrees with me. Jayla, predictably, doesn't. Let's get Jayla's third nasty interview quote verbatim. "Everyone says that Kyle is so beautiful, but I really think that Kyle lacks a lot of depth. I really think that she has next to no personality." Kyle's not pretty because...she lacks depth? Does Jayla even listen to herself? Here, let me give it to her in terms she'll understand. "Jayla, everyone says that you're really smart, but I disagree because your teeth are yellow." Bre is purty. Her hair looks great. She's having problems with the corset, though. Richard says that something's holding her back. Yeah, that'd be laced fabric crushing her ribs, genius. Tyra Mail waits for them back at the pad. Hey, guess what's happening tomorrow! Someone's getting eliminated. Aw. The girls decide to hit the town while they still have time so they go to a club. Everyone dances around. It looks fun, though they can't stop themselves from hashing out who's going to get cut.
Commercials. There are no commercials worth discussing, even to insult, so I'll just say: how come there aren't commercials for light bulbs anymore? When was the last time we saw a lightbulb ad? 1996?
We go into the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Tyra in black and white, then as a pinup girl. The pinup shot is ruined by the fact that she's holding a cell phone. Miss J's hair looks ridiculous. I hate to say it, but I'm getting tired of him. The guest judge is Richard, the pinup photographer. The final challenge is for the girls to make themselves look sexy from clothes provided in the back within three minutes. They dress frantically. Fugly Lisa dresses very casually, which looks OK, but I wouldn't call sexy. Whatever is diametrically opposed to sexy, that's how Nicole looks. Bre's in men's underwear. She looks tons better once she takes her hair down. Miss J calls Kyle's outfit "Housewife's Choice" and I have to agree. It's not sexy in the least. Jayla looks good; kind of beach sexy, if that means anything. Nike's the first girl to dress up, looking nice in a simple black dress. I wish she'd stop pulling her hair back, though. It doesn't suit her. I think Kim looks silly in her tennis outfit. Nigel defends her, as always. She's not going to sleep with you, Nigel.
Photo evaluations. Fugly Lisa's up first yet again. The judges love her black and white shot, in which she's scowling at the camera. I like it too. I'm not sure if they were going for a kind of National Geographic feel, but that's what they got. The judges love her pinup shot as well. Bre. The judges like her B&W more than I do. I think it's kind of dull. The pinup shot is so-so as well. Her body looks good, but she looks distracted, as if she's concentrating mostly on the corset. Jayla. Her B&W is OK, except for a crooked pinky, but I'm not feeling the pinup one, again because of the face. It looks like she was about to smile, but the camera went off a half-second too early. Nike. Her B&W is great. Her pinup is good, despite a crappy outfit. There's also some blah-blah about how she needs to create curves that aren't there with body fat that's not there. Yeah, I don't know. Nicole. Her eyes look good in the B&W, but it's kind of boring. Miss J says her presence is "laxadaisical". Don't use the big words until you've got them down, J. Stick with "blah" and "fierce". Tyra harps on Nicole's habit of muttering a defensive "OK" whenever they give her a critique. I've never noticed that, but whatever. She says she'll work on it. Nicole's pinup turned out better than I thought it would. Kyle. Her B&W is pretty edgy for her. The judges like her body language in the pinup shot, but not the face. Kim. She's got a boring B&W, but wow, did she pull out that pinup shot. The judges are as shocked as I am that it looks so good. Tyra dismisses them so the judges can deliberate. The girls blink a lot.
Commercials. Go away, Emeril. Your schtick was tired ten seconds after you thought it up.
Deliberations. The judges savage Kyle for no particular reason. Seeing Jayla's photographs side-by-side, I really think she has the weakest of the bunch. I may be letting some personal bias in because I don't like her, but that's really what I see. The judges don't seem to agree. Nicole is pretty, but always looks the same. The judges aren't very happy with Bre, either. Time for the elimination. Kim is safe. Fugly Lisa. Nike. Jayla. Nicole. Tyra manages to give her quite the backhanded compliment about how beauty is not only skin deep. Meow. Will Bre and Kyle please step forward? Well, this sucks. I like both of these girls. Not only that, but I felt that there wasn't much suspense, because the judges have come down on Bre a lot these past few weeks, so it was pretty obvious that she'd be the one to go, especially since Kyle has been rocking the challenges. But the judges manage to sucker punch me by handing Bre her photos. What? Kyle is cut? No! She cries. I'm getting a little misty, myself. She's surprised to be going home, saying she thought she was going to go farther. Jeez, me too. And I wish you had, Kyle. *sniff*
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Cycle 3 winner Eva stops by, and Kim lusts over her. Down girl. Fugly Lisa throws down with some wild boys.
Overall Grade: B+
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