We're Getting Out of the Country, Girls

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on The Amazing Race: The show tried to make us feel better about the South's horrific losses in Hurricane Katrina by showing us the most boring parts of it. I do hope that magnificent roadside office chair managed to survive the onslaught. Six families remain. Who will (or won't) be eliminated tonight?

Credits. Stop showing me the Aiellos. I just get a pang of sadness every time. And also a pang of hotness. Commercials. Maybe this show should stop referring back to earlier (read: better) seasons. It's just an additional reminder of how lame this one is.

New Orleans, Louisiana. Some really pretty shots of the city are followed by an extremely unpretty shot of Tony Paolo molesting Phil. After the normal blah-be-dee-blah, the Bransens are off at 12:40 AM. Elizabeth is wearing that goddamn hat again. Their clue tells them to fly to Panama City, Panama. Cool! Someplace interesting! Once there, they have to go to the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (which fascinates my science geek heart) and find some guy lounging in a hammock (which doesn't). Although lounging in a hammock waiting to give clues to wandering passersby does sound like an ideal way to spend a day to me. Walter is pleased that the Bransens are all equals on the race. I wouldn't say him lagging and panting while the girls try to hurry him along make them equals, exactly, but I'm happy he's happy. The Paolos leave at 12:41 AM. Marion weepily interviews that she wishes DJ would hug her and tell her he loves her. We're supposed to feel sorry for her, and maybe I would if she wasn't such an unpleasant person. Seems to me that not being hugged is a pretty fair consequence for being obnoxious. The Linzes leave at 12:49 AM. Megan interviews that she's not as physically fit as her brothers, which can slow them down. Yeah, but she's the smart one, which speeds them up. Tommy makes some joke about them going to Panama City, Florida to ogle girls at spring break. See, Meg? You contribute by not being like that.

The Bransens are calling the airport from their cab. They seem to only be able to choose between Continental or American. Maybe the clue specified that they had to take one of those carriers, but we never hear why no other airlines were considered. Thanks for nothing, editors. All three lead teams wind up waiting at the counter at Continental (which has the better flight) for them to open. We're back at the mat, where the Pink Ladies are leaving at 1:39 AM. Jeepers. How did they fall so far back? Christine gets even more annoying than she was last week as she interviews that she may be bossy, but her ideas are always the best. Yeah, that brainwave to carry your heavy packs for no reason while running through the French Quarter was a real winner, Christine. At 1:52, the Weavers take off. Linda does her customary reading of the destination as if she's never heard of it in her life. "Pennsylvania?" "Washington?" "Panama?" Rebecca interviews that her family doesn't need alliances, thank you very much. I'm sure that has to do with their strategy, and not that nobody else can stand them. Finally, the Gaghans at 1:54 AM. They don't mind being second-to-last at the finish. I should say not. They seem to wind up there a lot.

Everyone's excited to get out of the United States for a while. I don't blame them. It's pretty joyless here these days. They all line up at the Continental counter. The Linzes and Bransens get their tickets. Then, a shining example of why Marion remains hugless. She asks DJ "Do you want me to do it, or do you want to do it?" referring to buying the tickets. He says he'll handle it. She replies with "You got it. You'll do everything. Nobody can do anything but you." Passive? Meet aggressive. God, what a bitch. DJ and Marion snipe at each other as they step up to buy the tickets. First the Pink Ladies "joke" about them stepping out of line if they're going to hold everyone up with the bickering, then butt in with how shamefully DJ treats Marion. Yeah, she's really put upon. She certainly doesn't bring any of that poor behavior on herself. Plus, who raised DJ to be such a brat? A shiny new penny if you guessed Marion (I doubt Tony does much child-rearing). Also, mind your own business, Pink Ladies. These people suck.

The Paolos also manage to make the Continental flight, but the Pink Ladies are out of luck, so they (and the Gaghans and Weavers) are stuck on an American flight that arrives in Panama more than 3 hours later. The lead flight lands. Everyone grabs a taxi. Bicker, argue, mangled Spanish. The usual. They teams arrive at the docks. They have to take a boat to the institute, which is on an island, but the boats don't leave until 7:00 AM. Hope you enjoyed all that airport intrigue, since it didn't matter one damn iota. Everyone just lines up for the boats, same as they did for the airline tickets. Zzzzzz. The second plane arrives, and we get more of the same, though the mangled Spanish on the part of the Weavers is more offensive. Shocking. The trailing teams arrive at the docks, affirm the order they're leaving the next day, and go to sleep.

Morning. There's a lot of talk about "keeping the order", which makes me think someone's going to try and cut in line and cause some drama, but everyone's a good sport. Aw. That is so sweet. And dull. The teams start crossing the crocodile-infested river, which is part of the Panama Canal. It's very pretty, though I could do without the teams yelling "Andale!" and "Vamanos!" at their drivers. The Linzes have an extremely slow driver, and start getting passed by everyone. They're upset, but should count their blessings, because the Gaghan driver isn't even taking them to the right place. He says he's going to pick someone up elsewhere, then drop them at the institute. Aiiiiie!!! They freak out.

Commercials. I've only seen about 10 seconds of that little kid in the new Zorro movie, and I already want to push him in front of a bus.

The Gaghans discover that when they stop shrieking and start asking nicely, the driver will drop them off at the institute. See, that wasn't so hard. Want to pass the "nice" lesson along to Marion? "That was a scare," Tammy says, acting pretty good-natured for what just happened to them. She doesn't know that the Bad Luck Imp isn't done with her yet. The lead teams land and start asking people if they are the scientist they're looking for, Ricardo Diaz. The first one the Paolos ask isn't him. So there are multiple hammock dwellers? Heh. Everyone rushes around looking for Ricardo. Wow, that place is beautiful. Must be nice to work on a tropical island with hammocks set up everywhere. The Pink Ladies are first to find the clue. The clue contains not only the Detour, but the Fast Forward. The Pink Ladies are in first, so they turn up their noses at the Fast Forward, saying they won't need it. Well, that was dumb. Let's put aside for the moment the fact that by ditching the Fast Forward, they know they won't finish in first and thus won't have a good jump on the next leg or win a nifty prize. When there was a Fast Forward on every leg (back when the show was, you know, good), people really did need to spare using it until they really felt they needed it. But when there is only one on the entire race, there is literally zero point in not using it if you're the first to get the clue. None. Let's say you're in first place. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, then a lagging team will, and pass you by. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, you're going to spend the day doing strenuous tasks that you could have otherwise avoided. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, it's not going to be there for you on a later leg when you do need it. It's bad planning on the part of the producers, but it's also bad racing. Nowadays, you find a Fast Forward when you're in first place? You take it.

Anyhow, the Pink Ladies stupidly ignore the Fast Forward and concentrate on the Detour. The choices? Rhythm or Coos. Oh, that is a terrible pun. Is my Dad writing for the show now? In Rhythm, teams take a bus to a nearby neighborhood, and visit several locations to pick up four musical instruments (trumpet, trombone, saxophone, and conga drum). Once a team has all four instruments, they deliver them to a jazz club to get their next clue. In Coos, teams take the bus to a rainforest site and search the canopy with binoculars for wooden replicas of five local birds. They then circle the birds in wax pencil on what looks like a Denny's placemat. Circle the wrong birds, and you have to start over. The Pink Ladies go for the instruments. The Paolos have discovered Ricardo Diaz. They neglect to be complete dumbasses and go for the Fast Forward (although in their shoes, I would have assumed the Pink Ladies would have taken it). The Fast Forward is a tandem bungee jump over the Panama Canal. Looks fun, if terrifying. The Weavers find Ricardo Diaz, and choose the birds. The Gaghans are only now arriving at the institute as the Bransens find Ricardo Diaz, and choose birds. The Linzes get the clue, and head for the instruments. The Gaghans reach the clue as well, and continue their streak of being pleasant, fun, and dumb by going for the Fast Forward. Did they really think none of the other teams (who are all in front of them) would go for it? Sigh. I like the Gaghans, so it pains me to watch them continually race like complete doofs.

Christine. You know the Pink Lady who interviewed that she's bossy because she's got such good ideas? Yeah, she's asking people where the buses are. The buses...on the island. The island...that's surrounded by water. The pieces finally fall into place, and she realizes they have to take the boat back to the mainland first, but not before the fourteen people who still watch this show have rolled their eyes a few times. Everyone jumps into their boats. Linda calls to the Linz driver to go slowly. The Linzes hear this and call her a bitch, although not to her face or anything. The Gaghans' driver still sucks. The Pink Ladies give their driver a couple bucks to go faster. Apparently, the Linz driver isn't beholden to Linda, as they blow by the Weavers. A bunch of the boats go the wrong way (Do the boat drivers not know where the dock is? I don't understand that at all), so the Paolos manage to reach the docks first. The teams pile into their buses. Looks like each team gets their own. The Linzes and Pink Ladies decide to work together on the Detour. The Linzes pass along the story of Linda telling their driver to go slow, so the two teams share a lovely moment of Weaver hate together. The Gaghans are essentially following the Paolos so they should know that they'll never get the Fast Forward, but they're trying nonetheless, bless their dumb little hearts. Bill is getting the kids jazzed about jumping. He's hot.

Teams are getting directions to where they need to go. I guess the bus drivers either don't know or aren't allowed to tell them, so again, thanks for keeping the audience in the loop, show. Linda asks someone for directions (in Spanish) and he answers (in English) that he's going that way, so they can follow. The Pink Ladies hire a taxi to follow. Heh. The Linzes call the Godlewskis "The Pink Ladies" too. I thought only the Shroeders did that. The Linzes follow them. In the bus to the Fast Forward, DJ is explaining his fear of heights, saying he's scared he might pass out. Faced with this show of vulnerability, Marion tells him not to worry because she's sure he can do it, and that she'll be there to support him. Nah, just yanking your chain. She actually says that if he passes out, she'll kill him. The line to hug her and express your love for her forms at the left. The Gaghans think they may be able to beat the Paolos in a footrace to the bungee jump, and in their excitement, Tammy trips a little and Carissa bonks into the back of her, which propels Tammy into the back of a van. Yowch. Probably because of that, the Paolos grab the ticket for the bungee jump first. The Gaghans tell themselves that the Paolos will chicken out. Not bloody likely. In fact, Marion correctly states that if they don't do it, the Gaghans will, so they have no choice but to jump. Brian and Tony are paired up and jump with no problems, and Tony gives Brian a pretty sweet *mwwwaaaah!* on the side of his head. DJ and Marion are strapped together, about to jump into midair. It's DJ's worst nightmare, and it's beginning to look like he may back out.

Commercials. Man, am I sick of commercials that show how wonderful cars handle out by themselves in the desert. Who cares how cars handle when there's nobody else around? Show me how the cars handle when it's snowing and I'm stuck at the interbelt on Highway 40 during rush hour.

So of course DJ and Marion jump, because they have no choice. DJ kisses his mom on the forehead, mostly because he's glad he survived. Directly after this heartwarming scene, we hear "Son of a bitch!" from Bill Gaghan, because they have to go back to the Detour, which they should have done a long time ago. I'm a little surprised he yelled that in front of his kids, but we never see him say it, only hear him, so maybe it was edited in from an interview or something. Not that I fucking care that much about swearing, for fuck's sake. They decide to go for the instruments. The Paolos, meanwhile, are celebrating. Marion's mostly happy because DJ loves her now, but I think what he really loves is not being a splat mark on the sidewalk. They're off to the pit stop, the Miraflores Locks, which is the Pacific entrance to the Panama Canal.

The Bransens are lost, but the Weavers have found the bird park. Linda thanks God that they stopped and asked for directions, because without that particular divine intervention, I'm sure they would have just driven around in circles for hours. "Mom, can we ask for directions?" "No, I haven't gotten the go-ahead from God yet." They circle five birds, but they're not the right ones. No word on whether that's God's fault or not. The Bransens arrive and start their bird circling as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive at the Detour neighborhood and find their saxophones. The Paolos arrive at the pit stop, and win a trip to Panama. While they're standing in Panama. Heh. Sure, they'll be staying in a resort instead of the floor of a dock station, but it was still kinda funny. We get inspirational music as Marion talks about DJ kissing her, so he must really love her and such. Oh, crap. They're not getting The Redemption Edit, are they? The story arc where a team starts out as awful, but they don't lose, so the editors have to start showing any little nice moment in a desperate attempt to make us like them so we won't be upset when they win? Man, I hope not.

The Weavers have corrected the problem with their birds, so they're done. The clue sends them 2 miles to a baseball stadium for their next clue. I didn't know they enjoyed baseball in Panama. Aren't they soccer-crazy like the rest of the world? The Bransens get their birds on the first try, so they're off to the stadium as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies have found their trumpets. One of the Pink Ladies talks about how well the two families work as a team. Oh, I see why. It's because when they find their conga drum, Christine directs one of the Linz boys to carry it for them. No wonder she thinks they work well together. They pick up the trombone as well, so they head for the jazz club. I don't think a single Pink Lady is carrying a single instrument. The Gaghans grabs themselves a Fern to help them find the instruments. The Linzes and Pink Ladies find the jazz club, where there are a bunch of awesome dancers. Not only are they dancing awesomely, but they completely ignore the families as they try to put the instruments in the proper cases. Heh. The teams head for the stadium. The Gaghans pick up their final instrument as the Weavers arrive at the stadium. Roadblock. It involves getting a homerun or a base hit against a championship Little League pitcher. If they don't get a hit within three pitches, they have to let any waiting teams go next.

Rolly takes on the Roadblock. He's swinging left-handed and gets a strike on the first pitch. The Bransens arrive and Elizabeth volunteers. Rolly strikes out, so she heads to the plate. She strikes out, too. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive, and Nick and Sharon will be the batters. As Rolly steps up to the plate, one of the Linzes does the "hey battabattabatta...SWING!" thing that people do at baseball games. This earns Linda's ire, and she snaps, "You guys, hush. We're encouraging everyone." Yeah, if by "everyone" you mean "Rolly". Plus, I don't remember you being so kind when you were telling their driver to go slowly. Plus plus, everyone does the battabattabatta thing. It's not rude. So in summary: shut up, Linda. Rolly (now magically right-handed) does hit a pitch and it's an easy out, but the ball rolls gently between the pitcher's legs. "Champion" little-leaguer my ass. The Weavers head for the pit stop, still griping about how rude the Linzes are and letting themselves bask in an aura of superiority at how much better people they are. I ask to retract my "shut up" and insert a "fuck off" in its place. Thanks.

The Gaghans drop off their instruments. Back at the stadium, Beth is being too critical in judging her pitches. You can't walk if you get four balls, Beth, so swing at everything. She does manage to crack one, so the Bransens are off. Nick Linz gets on base on his first try (though not on the first pitch). On the way to the pit stop, a Linz brother tells his siblings about Linda yelling at him. Megan says "I would have told her to go screw herself." Go, Meg! The Gaghans get to the stadium, and Bill takes the Roadblock. Sharon strikes out. Bill Gaghan steps up and cranks it out of the park on the first pitch. Nice! Oh, and hot. Sharon's still having problems. She says she's exhausted. From what? From one at-bat? From not carrying instruments?

Commercials. Oh, look. More various car commercials featuring their vehicle all by itself out in the desert.

Sharon finally gets a base hit. The Weavers arrive at the mat as team number two. Bleh. The Paolos and Weavers as the first two teams? What have I done to deserve this? The Gaghans, convinced that all the bad luck they've had this leg is behind them, find out that it's not the case as their bus is blocked by...it looks like someone delivering a soda machine. Probably not the product placement Pepsi was looking for. The Pink Ladies are putting all the clothes they brought on in case it's a non-elimination leg. Apparently, all they brought along was underwear. Seriously, each one of them has, like, twenty pairs of panties on. The Gaghans are still stuck. The Bransens hit the mat as team number 3. The Linzes are right behind as team 4. The Gaghans can finally proceed. The Pink Ladies are almost there, too. They giggle about wearing all their clothing. Who will it be?

My God, it's the Gaghans, second-to-last yet again. How do they keep doing that? The Pink Ladies are the last team to arrive, but are spared by the first non-elimination point. Phil takes all their money. Who cares? Money has barely been an issue at all so far. He also takes all their possessions, which is pretty much just their empty backpacks. A Pink Lady interviews that they all have wits, charm, and beauty. Hilariously, this is played over a shot of Christine (the one who wanted to take a bus off an island) wearing a sort of black beekeeper veil over her head. It's as flattering as it sounds. They vow to bounce back.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams cross a suspension bridge in what may be one of the most beautiful spots in the world, and still manage to bitch about it. The Weavers get their car stuck, and Linda throws a tantrum. Oh, won't that be lovely?

Overall Grade: C