America's Next Top Model - Season 6, Episode 1
Before we tear into Season 6, I have to make the disclaimer that my heart is not into this particular episode at all. It's really very bad, and I have a lot to do this week, so as far as the first half of the season premiere goes, I'm doing the abridged version. In fact, I may have to do the abridged version or less for the entire season. I'll play it by ear.
Previously on America's Next Top Model: I tuned out just as Season 5 got crappy. Apparently Nicole won. Whatever.
We're starting with 32 girls tonight, and paring them down to the traditional thirteen. All the girls come to L.A. Sara looks a lot like Sarah from last season. Blond. Big lips. You name it. We'll have to see if she sucks at walking and is won over to the dark side of lesbianism. There's also a Dani and a Danielle, but no, you haven't stumbled across The Amazing Race by mistake. You can tell, because I'd rather spend the rest of my life giving Double D pedicures than five minutes in a room with this Dani. Actually, it wouldn't be five minutes. She'd be dead within three. She's a gigantic racist from the word go. Actually, to call her racist is narrow-minded. She also hates gays and muslims, so it's not just race she judges on. She's an all around bigot, and I wouldn't cross the street to piss on her. Moving on.
The girls pull up to a hotel, and we meet Andrea, who's starting to cry, because she's so full of emotion. That's OK, nervous tears are to be expected. Jade interviews that she's cool and intimidating to other girls. The two Jays come out, and the girls squeal as always. There's going to be a preliminary challenge. They roll out a red carpet, and tell the girls they'll have to put on an outfit of their choosing and copy one of three walks that Tyra's done in the past. All hail Tyra. Tyra is lord. The first walk is "sultry/sexy". The second is "sophisticated". The third is "young/virginal/upbeat". Cute little hick girl Kathy, who claims never to have been on an airplane until today because she's so sheltered or whatever, has no problem whipping off her clothes outdoors in front of strangers. Those two facts don't really jive. What is with reality show contestants these days and their faux-hillbilly acts? This girl's almost as hammy as Project Runway's Heidi S. Of course, Heidi was eliminated in the season premiere, and there's no way that'll happen to Kathy.
Jade is out first. She spews some more arrogant claptrap, but girl knows how to pick clothes and strut her stuff. Other girls walk, including a natural redhead. Why is she even here? Tyra hates redheads. I don't know why; I just know that it is so. Furonda dons a drag queen wig she happened to bring along. Yvonne is very pretty, and the captions identify her as Dr. Yvonne, since she works in an emergency room. If your doctor allows people to call him/her Dr. [First Name], change doctors immediately. A girl named Brooke comes out in a Daisy Duke type of outfit. Brooke is hideously ugly. The Jays gather the girls and declare Yvonne the "winner" of the "challenge". Oh, well then I guess she's guaranteed to make the final thirteen, right? Answer: no. Commercials.
When we return, the girls are eating breakfast. OJ tells them that Tyra can't be with them today, but has sent a taped message. Tyra apologizes for being absent, but then it turns out to be a joke and she's really there after all. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm in stitches. Tyra's a good model and a good host for this show, but she is entirely too self-satisfied these days. As a good demonstration of that, she does a fake catwalk strut, capped by a bootie shake, just so the girls will cheer for her. Feh.
After breakfast, it's time for the always demanding panel interview with Tyra and the two Jays. Sara is first. She's really cute. She didn't even apply for the show, but was recruited. She calls herself a Glamazon, but no, you still haven't wandered over to The Amazing Race. Uncanny how they keep synching up like this. Furonda is pretty haggard looking for 24, but she seems cool. She used to be a phone sex operator, and demonstrates various voices she'd use. Heh. Kari is boring. Yvonne is still pretty. She gives Miss J a fake Heimlich maneuver.
Oh, Jesus. Wendy. Wendy is from New Orleans, and we all know what that means. Yes, Tyra gets her Caring Oprah Face on, and asks Wendy about Hurricane Katrina. She was evacuated, and her father apparently died in the flooding. Horrible, horrible situation. So what better way to get over it than by flying to Los Angeles and using your tale of tragedy to get cast in a modeling competition? I really don't mean any disrespect towards people who have lost everything because of Katrina. I can't imagine the horror they're going through. Which is why I think it's kind of monstrous for Wendy to be here. Tyra gives her a hug. Sigh. I guess we'll be seeing Wendy for a while. I'm sure her dad would be thrilled to know his death gave his daughter her fifteen minutes of fame. So disgusting. Commercials.
Andrea, the girl who was crying from nerves before, is now crying because she misses her family. Jade is still conceited and arrogant in her one-on-one. I sense a villain. She's legitimately pretty, though. Gina is Korean, and thinks there aren't enough Asian models. Ladies and gentlemen, that'll be the first and last sentence that Gina utters that doesn't make her sound functionally retarded. She says she'll pose naked, and then she says maybe she won't, because her parents wouldn't like it. Thirty seconds after saying that the modeling world is too close-minded about Asians, she says she's not into Asian guys at all. I mean, there's a difference between what you think people of certain races can do and who you're attracted to, but man, did she pick the wrong time to say this. Gina indulges in some more verbal diarrhea. I'm thinking that Asian women aren't exactly clamoring for this girl to be their representative. Plus, she's not even that cute. Chloe's prettier. Tanika makes a similar mistake. She's bi-racial, and insults black girls' hair. The three judges are all insulted, but you'll note all three of them have nothing close to their natural hair, so they can stuff it. Other than the fact that I like Tanika's T-shirt, we're done with her.
Andrea comes in, and you'll never guess what. Cries. She interviews again and...cries. A girl named Leah comes in, and is over-excited, but I kind of like her. She's a go-go dancer. Montage of weird-ass behavior. Joanie does the moonwalk in high heels. That's impressive. Her father's a preacher, and she rebelled by working as a cage dancer and in strip clubs. She dances a little for them. She's cool. I like her. Leslie. She says her grandparents would freak if she brought home a black guy. Tyra asks about Miss J. Leslie says they don't have anything against black women. Hehehehe. I like Leslie until she pulls down her bikini bottom to reveal a tattoo that reads "what nourishes me destroys me", which she got because Angelina Jolie has one just like it. Oh, Leslie. Danielle says she's focused and that failure's not an option. She has an ugly gap in her teeth. She talks about helping her mom out, because her mom's got arthritis. She proceeds to cry almost as much as Wendy did about her dead father. Arthritis! Seriously, my mom comes down with a new ailment every other day, so don't come crying to me with a piteous story about arthritis. That night at dinner, Dani continues to be a huge racist, gets called on it by Danielle, then claims to not be a racist. I really would rather not spend any large amount of time paying attention to Dani scenes, so let's move on. Commercials.
We're back, and Kathy's still peddling her aw shucks routine. Her panel interview goes well. Nnenna is beautiful. She's a chemist (holla, scientists!), and is originally from Nigeria. We get another sob story, although this one's a lot more genuine than "my mom has arthritis". Her parents kept having girls, and her mother was advised not to have more children, but Nnenna's father pressured her into getting pregnant again, and she died soon after childbirth. Then Nnenna and one of her sister got sent to live in America, because her father couldn't support the whole family. Yikes. Mollie Sue is not a straight version of Kim. They want her to be, and she's not. She's lucky Brooke's around, or she'd be the homliest girl there. Shkita kind of looks like Season 1's Ebony. She seems nice, but then she confesses a crush on OJ, so she's dead to me. Brooke is still ugly, and has the biggest jaw ever. She likes airplane food. Fascinating. Dani comes in for her panel interview. She tells the judges that she's not racist or anything; she just said what she said to get people's attention. Yeah, that'll fly. Whatever, she's a cunt.
Finally, time for a cut. We'll narrow 32 to 20 much like we did last season. There are 20 makeup kits with photos inside. Find your photo, and you advance. A cute girl named Rebecca hopes she makes it. They stampede for the makeup kits. Girls find photos. Not the redheaded girl, of course. Andrea finds her photo and cries. Good God, she must be dehydrated by this point. Shkita didn't make it. The 20 finalists have 10 minutes to use their makeup kits to get ready for a beauty shot. The photographer tells them he's not going to pose them at all, and they get ten frames. Girls get their pictures takes. Girls slam other girls. Evening. Andrea is crying again. Sara's like "hey, nothing you can do about it now". Tyra and the Jays deliberate. There's a lot of blah. There's a shot of Brooke, and I swear to God it's like a "before" picture in one of those late-night infomercials for Proactiv. They reach their final decision.
The girls gather. Tyra calls the thirteen finalists' names. Jade. Sara. Mollie Sue. Leslie. Joanie. Nnenna. Kari. Brooke (ew). Danielle. Kathy. Furonda. Gina. And finally... Wendy. Tyra tells her it's not out of pity. Guys? It's out of pity. Andrea's crying. I'm sorry Rebecca and Yvonne didn't make it. They're a billion times prettier than Brooke or Gina. Dani leaves to go be a fucking douchebag elsewhere, thank goodness. The thirteen finalists celebrate. Jade refers to herself in the third person. Ick. The Back To The Future photo is established.
In the next hour of America's Next Top Model: The girls move in, and are thrown into the "media" "spotlight" with a little help from Janice. OJ tells the girls that they'll be bald for the photo shoot.
Overall Grade: D+
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