I Am In Russia Playing With The Dolls

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams raced from Big Brazil to Small Brazil. Eric and Jeremy made a strong argument for reverse evolution. People rappelled down the side of an office building. I'm guessing no work got done in the offices they were crawling past. Later, teams chose between climbing a waterfall or turning sugar into fuel. And you always thought pouring sugar into the gas tank was a bad thing. BJ and Tyler got to the mat first, while Frankenberry chose the worst Detour possible for themselves for the second week in a row, then got a dead battery on the way to pitstop. Things looked grim, but they were saved by the complete ineptitude and elimination of the Harpy Sisters, who we thankfully never have to listen to again. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Eric and Jeremy are apparently allergic to shirts.

Dawn breaks in Brotas, Brazil. It really is stunningly gorgeous. Double D (who already dress in far too much pink) are kicking back in pink hammocks. Do we know for a fact that they're out of puberty? Phil tells us that Double D and Eric and Jeremy are becoming very good friends, indeed. Let's just hope they never breed. Phil wonders if the relationship will turn into a "powerful alliance". I really don't think there is such a thing on this show. Especially between a team that's always in the top three and a team that seems to always hover at around eighth. Phil also wonders if Frankenberry can pull ahead. We get a shot of the copious amount of hair on Barry's shoulders. I don't need another shot of that, ever. Thanks.

Dawn unbreaks in Brazil. BJ and Tyler are leaving the mat at 4:48 AM. Their first clue tells them to go to a farm three miles away, and take a zipline 300 feet. Fun! They feel that teams may have underestimated them until now. It's a distinct possibility. Eric and Jeremy leave at 5:01 AM, and we learn the teams will get $307 for this leg. They say they like Double D, but when they're racing, it's all about just the two of them. Everything said aside from that is douchebaggery that I'd rather not revisit. MoJo leaves at 5:18 AM. Monica is impressed that Joseph has been able to stay so cool and calm on the race, saying she hasn't seen that in him before. I'll remind you that Monica almost burst into tears 10 minutes after she left the starting line, because she was frustrated with her place in an airport line. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music all leave at 5:28 AM. They're excited to travel. All of these lead teams note that they have to take a right as they leave the plantation.

BJ and Tyler reach the farm and find that it opens at 7 AM. Scruuuunch! As Eric and Jeremy approach, BJ and Tyler hide, then leap out and scare them. That's far too chipper for 5:30 in the morning. MoJo arrives. Dave and Lori arrive, and BJ/Tyler hump their car. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 6:31 AM. Ray's looking forward to getting to know Yolanda better, since they've been dating long distance. If someone was dating me long distance, and wanted to get to know me better, I'd prefer it not be through the strain of travel and competition. You really want your girlfriend to see you exhausted and stanky? Wanda and Desiree leave at 6:32 AM. See, all that worry last week was silly. In a nice bit of foreshadowing, Desiree interviews that her mom can overreact in tense situations, imagining things to be worse than they really are. As they leave, we can see why all the teams have been turning right. There's a clearly marked arrow pointing the way.

The farm opens, and the four lead teams run in. They get suited up. Meanwhile, Lake and Michelle are leaving the mat at 7:06 AM. We get the normal blah about how Michelle plays safe and Lake is a huge spaz. Not in those words, of course, but that's the gist. Double D leaves at 7:07 AM. Dani says they're not playing with their muscles or bodies, but with their hearts. That cinches it. Somehow, the race has admitted two junior high school students. I'll bet they both dot their I's with little hearts. Lake and Michelle see the sign for Brotas, and Lake turns the opposite direction. Michelle asks him why, and he tells her to shut up. This must be that southern charm she was talking about in the first episode. Between these two and the Rogers family, they're making it look like everyone in the South is a huge asshole. Double D takes the correct turn. Lake figures out that he's an idiot. Well, he doesn't, but he figures out he made a wrong turn. He again doesn't accept full blame, because he's a fucktard.

BJ and Tyler zip. Riding a zipline is really fun to do. And really boring to watch someone else do. They get their clue. It tells them to fly to Moscow, Russia. Sweet! I would so love to go there. Meenya zavoot Limecrete. Ohcheen preyatna! Once in Moscow, they have to find Chaika Bassein, which is a watersports facility that was once used in Olympic training. The shot of it shows a huge series of pools. Teams will pull bus tickets to the Sao Paolo airport from the Brotas station. BJ and Tyler scoot. Eric and Jeremy zip. MoJo zips. Dave and Lori zip. Just as these teams are leaving, Ray and Yolanda pull up.

Blood Ray: "Go, Yolanda!"
Limecrete: "You always just address Yolanda. It's like Ray isn't even there."
Blood Ray: "I like Yolanda."

Wanda and Desiree arrive as Dave and Lori leave. Dave says "twenty-three skidoo!". Heh. Double D pulls up. Lake and Michelle, having figured out that they're going the wrong way...still haven't turned around and gone back. They're just looking around, apparently hoping the correct path will be lit with flares for them. They finally go back. He tells her to shut up some more. Wow, jerky dumbasses! My favorite kind of person! Frankenberry finally leaves the mat at 8:24 AM. They promise to bounce back this leg. Yeah, they promised the same thing last leg, then immediately began to moan about being eliminated. Ray and Yolanda zip. Wanda and Desiree zip. Meanwhile, at the bus station, BJ/Tyler/MoJo/Eric/Jeremy all get 9:15 AM bus tickets. Dave and Lori aren't far behind, and get 9:15 tickets as well. Double D zips. Lake and Michelle arrive as they leave.

Ray and Yolanda get 10:00 AM bus tickets, as do Wanda and Desiree right behind them. Lake and Michelle zip. Lake is upset that they're going to Russia. Fuck off, ass. Double D gets 10:00 AM bus tickets. More Double D/Eric and Jeremy interaction that I'm going to skip. Frankenberry zips. The teams with 9:15 tickets leave the bus station. Lake and Michelle, still bickering, get to the bus station and get 10:00 tickets. Double D doesn't look excited to be on the same bus with them. Michelle realizes she left her clue pack in the car and goes back to get it. Jesus, woman. Lake yells at her some more. I'll also point out that Double D sees her realize she doesn't have her clue, so I'm sure they'll keep a close eye on their own, right? The 10:00 AM bus leaves. That means that Frankenberry will be all by themselves on the 10:45 bus.

Commercials. Oh, John Mellencamp. Changing your lyrics around for the NCAA? Do you need the money that badly?

Frankenberry gets on their bus. At the Sao Paolo airport, the 9:15 AM bus arrives. All the teams get onto a flight to Moscow that connects through Frankfurt. Guess what? So do all the 10:00 bus teams. Guess what? So does Frankenberry. Hope you enjoyed the drama and intrigue of the varying bus tickets, since they didn't mean a damn thing. Frankenberry is thrilled, for obvious reasons. Double D asks for some helpful Russian phrases on the plane, then pass them along to Eric and Jeremy. When the plane lands, everyone rushes for taxis. Frankenberry asks their cab driver if he knows where Chaika Bassein is, making swimming motions with their hands. So that means the teams know full well what kind of place they're going to. Dave/Lori and MoJo decide to share a cab, as do Double D and Eric/Jeremy. Monica says that all she knows about Russians is that they drink and smoke a lot. You're right, Americans don't do either of those things. *hic*

BJ and Tyler are first to the clue box. Man, they are fast. Roadblock! This one asks "Who wants to take the plunge?" OK, so they're at a water facility, and are asked who wants to take a plunge. No need to be a genius to figure this one out. Tyler says he'll do it. Phil explains that the team member who takes the Roadblock has to put on a bathing suit, then walk to the diving platforms, climb up, and jump 10 meters down. Once in the water, they swim across the pool and dive for their next clue. Easy peasy. I'd take this one in a heartbeat. Frankenberry is second to the clue. Barry takes it. Based on the fact that Ray did the last one, Yolanda volunteers for this one. When they open the Roadblock clue, they're shocked...SHOCKED....that it has something to do with water. Ummmmmm. Yolanda interviews that she's horrible in water, and can't even swim. Yeah. I like you Yolanda, but this Roadblock could not be more obvious. No sympathy for you! A pale, skinny breadstick jumps. Sorry, that was Tyler. He nabs the clue. It tells them to travel by taxi to the Novodevichiy Monastery. Once there, they have to find the Cathedral of the Virgin of Smolensk. The next clue will be inside.

Lake, for some reason, runs into the water facility, grabs the Roadblock clue, and runs all the way back out to read it with Michelle. Sigh. He tells her she has to do it. She gets a horrified look on her face and yelps "I might have to do it naked!" Huh? Are there some paint fumes in the area that are making all the teams act like complete goons? Did they have some funny mushrooms on the plane? What on Earth would lead her to think she'd have to do it naked? I'm starting to see why Lake yells at her so much. I'm not excusing it, I'm just understanding it. Lake, in no mood for a fight, agrees to do it himself. They run all the way back in. Eric/Jeremy/Double D arrive. Eric takes the Roadblock. So does Dani. Monica. Lori. Wanda.

Barry jumps with no problem, but can't make himself sink enough to get the clue. I had no idea so many people were so bad in water. Don't most kids spend a lot of their summers swimming? He manages to get a clue, and they're off. Frankenberry's in second place! I know! Ray calls up to Yolanda to dog paddle once she jumps. Michelle is also being supportive of Yolanda. Aw. Yolanda freezes up with terror on the platform. The other Roadblockers begin to line up behind her. There's a shot of Monica's huge boobs. She's wearing a bikini. Various Russian women in the pool begin cheering for Yolanda. Heh. She finally jumps, landing with a giant plop. She gets a clue. I'd like to be all "Yay, she did it! What courage!" but seriously. Be a little sharper about your Roadblock selection, please. Lake jumps. Eric jumps. Dani jumps. Outside, Eric and Jeremy are being tools (in fact, Tools is so much faster to type, and so shall they be called), and telling the cab driver that the girls with the big boobs will be joining them in the cab. Michelle says something stupid about not wanting to do the Roadblock because she didn't want to be wearing a bathing suit in front of all those Russian people. Russian people who are wearing bathing suits. I just...how is someone that dumb?

Monica is jumping, and is now mysteriously not wearing a bikini, but a full one-piece bathing suit. Odd. She has no problems, either with getting a clue or appearing in a bathing suit in front of all those filthy Russians. Lori does fine, too. Wanda jumps, and talks about this being her big fear. Desiree says her mom doesn't like deep water. Oh, for fuckity fuck fuck's sake. Again, no sympathy. WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO DO THE ROADBLOCK AT A SWIMMING FACILITY IF YOU'RE SCARED OF WATER? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks, that was cathartic. Wanda can't get herself under the water. She freaks out about how they're going to lose because of this task, and though I like Wanda and Desiree a great deal, if they were? They'd deserve it.

Commercials. Ooh, that part of Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates whales on those bitches' car! That was so cool! Um. I mean... Fried Green Tomatoes? That's a chick movie. I've never seen it.

Wanda continues to flail. BJ and Tyler are able to use enough Russian to get directions to the cathedral. It is extremely beautiful. They admire the place for a second, then read their clue. Detour! Scrub or Scour. In Scrub, teams travel to a trolley depot and clean a trolley inside and out. When they're done, they can go. In Scour, teams have to find a theater and look inside 1500 matrioshka nesting dolls to find one of the ten with a clue inside it. This would be a tough choice. I mean, if you're in first place, you have a 1 in 150 chance of finding the clue. Once people start finding them, it'll become harder and harder to find one. BJ and Tyler want none of that, and head for Scrub. Other teams approach the monastery. In the Double D/Tool cab, the girls realize that they have left their bag (containing their clues, their passports, and their money) back at the water facility. I guess they didn't learn one iota from Michelle's false scare. They have to go all the way back, so the Tools abandon them and keep going. Woo! Look at this "powerful alliance" in action!

A large knot of teams find the cathedral clue at the same time. Lake wants to head for Scrub, since the nesting dolls could take a long time. Michelle, of course, doesn't get a vote. As they leave, Lake points out the clue box to Ray and Yolanda, who seem to have already spotted it. The Tools and Frankenberry head for Scrub as well. Yolanda remembers passing the theater with the dolls on their way from the airport (smart!), so they go for Scour. Everyone grabs cabs. Ray and Yolanda's driver seems to be the only one who knows where he's going. Lake, get this, tells Ray that he should stop and tell their own cab driver what to do, since Lake helped him find the clue. Ray, not being an idiot, tells him he knew exactly where the clue was and if Lake did anything, it was slow them down. Nice! Lake, not one to be denied, tells his driver to follow Ray and Yolanda's. You'll remember that these two teams have chosen different Detours. Michelle points out that they may be headed in the wrong direction. Lake ignores her.

Blood Ray: "She may have to search through the dolls naked!"

The other teams, having language barrier problems with their drivers, are all basically following each other, which means everyone except Ray and Yolanda are headed for the "wrong" Detour. Heh. Double D gets a cab back to the water facility. Wanda is still trying to dive for the clue. Oy. Desiree's losing patience now. People on the sidelines cheer for Wanda, and she finally gets one of the clues. Desiree is proud of Wanda for conquering her fears or whatever. I remain frustrated that they made such an obvious mistake. They leave for the monastery. As they leave, they spot Double D, and are excited that they're not that far behind. MoJo and Dave/Lori have arrived at the monastery. They both want to do Scrub, and continue to share their cab. BJ and Tyler are lost, as are Frankenberry. Nobody in Moscow seems to have the faintest idea where the trolley depot is. The drivers do know where the theater is, so they essentially give up on Scrub and head for Scour.

Teams arrive at the theater. There's a band, and several costumed dancers set up behind a bullseye pattern of tables that have the dolls on them. That is a lot of dolls. Ray and Yolanda enter, with Lake and Michelle and the Tools right behind them. Lake is frustrated that they've been led to the "wrong" Detour. Which do you think Lake is more? Dumb or assy? Every time I think he's more of one, he turns on the other. What's funny about this scene is that the music and dancing are totally frenetic and upbeat. It's distracting, which makes searching through the dolls frustrating, but watching people search through the dolls extremely entertaining. Lake, Michelle, and the Tools start bitching about the dolls, and how Ray and Yolanda led them there. "You all should have picked your own damn Detour!" Yolanda calls back. I love them.

Remember how nobody knows where the trolley depot is? That includes Dave/Lori/MoJo's driver. They're frustrated. Wanda and Desiree find the cathedral. "I'm good at cleaning," Wanda says. Hee. Strange thing to brag about. They head for Scrub. They see Double D entering as they leave, and note that while Wanda and Desiree asked their cab driver to wait, Double D didn't. He leaves them there. They find the clue and choose Scrub, but now can't find a taxi driver to take them there. "Playing with your hearts" isn't working out too well, ladies. I'd suggest switching to your brains. Oh, wait. Sorry.

Commercials. I'm tempted to try that "fake" phone number that the U.S. Cellular ad flashes, just to see what I get.

Double D finally gets a cab. The teams at the theater continue hunting. I guess there must be a rule about putting the dolls back together if you don't find a clue in them. Eric finds one. Fuck. Michelle finds one. Fuck. It tells them to take a taxi to Red Square and find St. Basil's cathedral, where Phil will be. The two lead fucknut teams head out. MoJo/Dave/Lori are still lost. Meanwhile, in one of those twists of fate that make the show exciting, Wanda and Desiree find the trolley depot. They were dead last at the pool, and have now passed five teams! Double D is right behind them. They get to cleaning. The guy who will judge how clean the trolley is stands off to the side, and is cute. Ray and Yolanda have been searching for the clue long enough for the music to wrap around on itself. "I like this part!" Yolanda says. Heh. Way to keep your optimism up. Frankenberry arrives, and starts looking. It seems like they're just opening the biggest doll to search for the clue and not getting down to the little doll. Not a good idea. Ray finds a clue. Yes! Barry figures out that they have to actually, you know, open the dolls. As Ray and Yolanda leave, BJ and Tyler arrive. Wow, they fell waaaaaaaay back. They begin looking. Fran describes the dolls as the most frustrating thing she's ever done, and talks about getting eliminated. So make that three out of three episodes that they've started by saying how optimistic they are, and how hard they'll work, then sink to a steady whine about how they're obviously out.

People clean trolleys. MoJo/Dave/Lori finally find the place. The cleaning teams realize they're not as far back as they'd feared. Frantic cleaning ensues. BJ asks a dancer to do a lucky dance for him. She doesn't understand a word he's saying. Still, just as he says it, Tyler finds a clue. Spooky! That means they've vaulted themselves up to fourth place. Frankenberry moans some more. Red Square. It's equally beautiful to the other things we've seen tonight. The Tools and Lake/Michelle have arrived. They all run around looking for the mat. First to Phil are the Tools. Feh. Phil tells them they're first, but then gives an ominous "However...", which always spells doom. He goes on to say that the leg is not over, and they have to continue racing. Ah, a double leg. I can never remember if this counts as one of the non-elimination points or not. He hands them a clue, and we go into a To Be Continued.

Next week on The Amazing Race: "Fran and Barry struggle through the Detour." What? No fucking way! I've never seen them make a poor Detour choice! The Tools smash fake bottles over each other's heads. If only they'd snuck some real ones in there. Wanda and Desiree get snippy with each other. Teams go for a ride in a car that looks like it's about one millimeter from rolling over. Yikes.

Overall Grade: B-