Here We Go, Baby, Off To Win A Million Dollars

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 1

Previously on The Amazing Race: A wholesome, patriotic Family Edition - that sucked so hard, my television turned itself inside out. Fucking Weavers. Welcome to the Russian Roulette season. An episode gets lower than a C-, and...bang! The show is banished. Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!!!

We open on a sweeping shot of the mountains, then zoom into the city of Denver. Pretty! There we meet Phil Keoghan, standing perilously on the roof of a skyscraper. I love me some Phil, but our relationship hasn't been the same since he gave all that emotional support to the fucking Weavers. Thankfully, we're back to the original format this time around. Eleven teams of two people each will race around the world for one million dollars. Phil always dramatically intones the amount of money, and while I certainly wouldn't sneeze at a million dollars, these people get a free trip around the world! I'd do it if the prize were a box of Fruity Pebbles. Teams are now being driven to the starting line at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, which looks totally awesome. Let's get acquainted!

Lake and Michelle: A married couple (who also work together as a dentist and his assistant) from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Oh, Hattiesburg? They must miss their mobile home sales lot and that gas station. Fucking Family Edition. They're both blandly attractive. Michelle interviews that she views the relationship with Lake as the leader, and she as the fiercely protective mother. Then she compares herself to Scarlett O'Hara. Yeah, Scarlett sure let men push her around, didn't she? Shut up, Michelle. Lake interviews a bunch of bullshit that basically boils down to the fact that he's an asshole, but doesn't want to admit to it, so he hides it in phrases like "having drive" and "goal-oriented". Yep, you've got to be unpleasant to have drive and goals. That's why Gandhi was such a dick.

Danielle and Dani: Childhood friends from Staten Island, New York. I hate them on sight. They are far less cute than they think they are, and one of them (they're pretty indistinguishable at this point) interviews that they'd like to be focused on the race, but they're just so darn young and full of fun that they'd rather spend their time flirting with boys! Eeeeee!!! I'm not going to comment on their intelligence and their likely correlating placement in the race, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it. However, I will ask them to settle on a damn hair color. What is with women on television and their impossibly ugly highlights these days?

BJ and Tyler: Best friends from San Francisco, California. Ah, our first hippie team. They're both wearing stupid clothes in an attempt to appear free-spirited and non-conformist, but apart from that, seem like pretty cool guys. Tyler interviews that they seek out the fun in life. Feel free to make the toke-fingers and exhale slowly. BJ says that they're competitive, but in a fun way; not an out-to-destroy way. Wait, someone on a reality show understands that you don't have to be a raging, narcissistic jackhole to be competitive? Stop the presses!

Ray and Yolanda: Dating couple from Chicago, Illinois. He's a lawyer, and she's a teacher. Yolanda interviews that they're smart, capable, and athletic. She sees Ray as the male version of herself. Ray says that growing up in "the hood" made him realize that people think "the system" is out to get them, so he became a lawyer to help effect change and feel more empowered. That's a lot more noble than the "I wanted to be rich, but I'm not smart enough to be a doctor" reason to become a lawyer, so hats off to him. I am a little sad that the only interest Ray and Yolanda seem to share, according to this little intro clip, is exercising. I really hope they at least make it out to the movies once in a while.

John and Scott: Lifelong friends from New England. That's it? Just "New England"? No city, no state? Are they wandering minstrels or something? Scott interviews that the two of them are like family. There's a shot of the two of them walking three adorable dogs. Aww! Hi, puppies! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? John (with his eerily perma-pursed lips) interviews something about how he never does anything cause he scared of something or other, but I'm still focused on the dogs. Who wants their chew toy? Who wants a treat?

Joseph and Monica: Dating couple from Fayetteville, Arkansas. Why does there always seem to be a boring, modelesque couple who does nothing but stand around and whine? Let's toss these two onto the Brandon/Nicole-Hayden/Aaron-Freddy/Kendra-Ron/Kelly pile, I guess. Monica interviews that her relationship with Joseph is "interesting", because it's built on friendship, and Joseph adds that sometimes they fight, but then they get over it. Wow, she was right - that's totally fascinating. There's some more blah about hating to lose, and so forth. I do admit that the shot of Joseph doing a boogie-board flip is really cool, so they've got that going for them. They refer to themselves as MoJo - an amalgam of their first names that is a) unforgiveably corny and stupid, and b) a nice, handy way to refer to them. Perfect.

Eric and Jeremy: Two friends from Florida. One's a bartender, and one's a valet (the parking kind, I assume - not the Jeeves kind). They're white. They're straight. They're in good shape. Guess we'll see them at the finish line. Eric has two nipple rings. They're lazy, shiftless layabouts. Hey, don't look at me; that's their opinion, not mine.

Lisa and Joni: Sisters from Houston, Texas. They refer to themselves as the Glamazons - this time an amalgam of glamorous Amazon. I'm not taking the bait on this one. Glamazons makes them sound really chic and cool, and these two are... Well, let's just say their intro clip shows them wearing dime store tiaras and bedazzling a pair of pants. One of them interviews that they're both six feet tall. That's basically the most interesting thing about them.

Fran and Barry: 40-year-married couple from Littleton, Colorado. Man, I'd hate to be from one of those places that's only associated with disaster. Fran interviews that they're both each other's biggest fans. There are adorable shots of them in younger days, as she explains that she was sixteen when she first started dating Barry. Aw. Barry says that they're not the kindly-grandparent type when it comes to competing; they've got too much drive and energy. They both believe they can win this race. I want to agree with them. I really do.

Wanda and Desiree: Mother and daughter from Atlanta, Georgia. Wanda is a single mom, and interviews that she'll have to work hard to treat her child as an individual, and not relapse into the controlling Mom she usually is. Heh. Desiree says her mother is a modern kind of woman; that she isn't the type to wear frumpy Christmas sweaters with little pom-poms on them. Hahaha. I know that type of lady exactly. Desiree and I are on the same wavelength. Oh, and she looks exactly like Natalie Portman.

David and Lori: Dating couple from Manhattan, Kansas. David interviews that they're two of the biggest nerds that you'd ever meet, and they're not ashamed of that one tiny bit. Lori grins hugely. She has big teeth. David continues by saying that they're both good competitors; Lori's good at card games, and he's really good at taking tests. Hehehehe. I assume he realizes neither of these tasks are likely to present themselves on the race, but I always enjoy people who play to their strengths. Lori says they respect each other a good deal, which will probably keep them from fighting a lot. She says she can't lose, with him on her team. Aw. And can I just say that I wish David were on my team, if you get my drift. And I think that you do.

Phil wonders aloud who will have the combination of brains, brawn, and teamwork to excel in the race. Let's just remember that the Weavers came in third place, so they must be a terrific example of brains ("That's Lake Pontchartrain - one of the Great Lakes."), brawn ("We can't search all these stadium seats for a piece of paper! Let's just go to sleep."), and teamwork ("Rebecca...you MISSED THE TURN!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!"). We zoom in on the teams standing in a row in the amphitheater. Phil explains the entire concept of the show. Race. Eight elimination points. There, you're caught up. When Phil says go, they're allowed to run up the theater steps to their bags, which have their clues laying on top. From there, they jump in a nearby car, and can do whatever they'd like. Heh, it'd be funny to see a team pull the clue and just be like "Suckers! We're taking this car to Mexico!" Phil gets ready to send them on their way. "The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe." Fourteen bazillion eons of silence, during which dinosaurs rise again, go extinct again, and the whole history of humanity repeats itself up to this very point. GO!!!!!

Interestingly, BJ and Tyler smoke everyone in the footrace to the luggage. They intercut many teams reading off the clue. It tells them to fly to Sao Paolo, Brazil (I'm sorry - I tried a bunch of different ways to put the tilde over the "a", but it just will not accept it. - stupid racist Blogger). Once there, they must go to the roof of the Unique Hotel, where their next clue will be waiting. They may only travel on one of three flights: an American Airlines flight, a Continental flight, or a United flight (which leave in that order). They have $140 for the leg. Everyone takes off for the cars. Danielle and Dani must walk to the car, complaining about how they can't breathe. They're not even away from the starting line, and they're already winded. They're totally going to win the season, don't you think? Michelle has a similar problem, but reminds me that it may be due to Denver's altitude. Oh, I didn't stop to consider that. I had a headache the entire time I was in Mexico City, so I have no trouble accepting that excuse. I guess I was a little fast to jump down Dani/Danielle's throats. That's OK, I'm sure I'll have ample opportunity to hate them later. BJ and Tyler are also first out of the parking lot, BJ excitedly saying "Put on some pants, it's time to dance!" Heh. I think I may like them, despite their over-eagerness to appear cool. Lake and Michelle are also off to the airport, as is MoJo. A final sweeping Colorado vista shot.

Opening credits. Good God, the "turn to the camera....NOW" shots aren't gone yet. Man, those suck.

BJ and Tyler are still out in front, with MoJo slightly behind. Lake reads out the clue's instructions to Michelle, who's driving. They have to park in a designated parking lot. Gee, with instructions that specific, I'll bet everyone will make sure to read and understand the entire clue. Other teams leave the theater. David sighs "Oh, Mylanta" and then laughs goofily. I love him. Lisa and Joni are last to leave the theater, and make a joke about how they'll probably have to use their allotted money to eat monkey testicles or something. Heh. MoJo passes BJ and Tyler, and call it "intense". Passing someone on the highway is intense? Guess my morning commute is more exciting than I thought. Lake yells at Michelle for not turning directly into the path of an oncoming truck, because he's so "driven" and "goal-oriented". In Ray and Yolanda's car, we learn that they've been dating long-distance, so this will be the longest amount of time they've ever spent together. Long-distance dating confuses me. Can you ever be truly happy? Eric and Jeremy make a joke about using the $140 to go to a bar and pick up chicks. Insert a sarcastic slow clap here. They also call Danielle and Dani "hos" as they get passed, then resolve to meet and romance them. Charming. Wanda gives a victory yell, calling herself and Desiree "Team Puerto Rican". I'm sure we can do better than that name. They pass Fran/Barry and David/Lori. Meanwhile, John and his disturbing lips nervously ask Scott if they're going to be on a little plane. I understand that he's scared of them, but seriously? He thinks they'll be taking a puddle-jumper from Colorado to Brazil? Lisa (or Joni) says that she's going to "unsheathe her womanhood". Ew.

Ray is reading off more clue instructions, letting us in on the fact that nobody's allowed to reserve these plane tickets over the phone. Which of course brings us directly to a shot of Lake telling Michelle to pull over so he can use a pay phone to reserve tickets. Ah, stupidity. It's the racing accessory that never goes out of style! Speaking of accessories, Lake is wearing some sort of patch. Is that a nicotine patch? An altitude patch? I don't know. They pull into a gas station, with Lake continually haranguing Michelle, even as she's trying to make a phone call so she can carry out his moronic instructions. BJ and Tyler are now right behind MoJo, and making fun of them. Fran/Barry pass Wanda/Desiree. Wanda freaks out a bit. More "we may be old, but we're capable competitors!" talk from Fran and Barry. Lake and Michelle are finished booking the tickets they're not allowed to have. Well done, you fierce competitors. Lake takes over driving. Various teams get to the shuttle parking at the airport. Dani and Danielle get onto the first shuttle. MoJo, BJ/Tyler, Wanda/Desiree, Ray/Yolanda, David/Lori, Eric/Jeremy, and Fran/Barry all make it onto the next one. Lisa/Joni and John/Scott - the last two teams to leave the amphitheater - are also the last two teams to get a shuttle.

Danielle and Dani throw a wrench into my plans to think of them as complete idiots by having the presence of mind to ask an airline agent when the flights arrive, as opposed to when they leave. Smart idea. Turns out the American flight still gets in first (9:52 AM), but the United (10:25 AM) comes in ahead of the Continental (10:55 AM). They book tickets on American. Back in Lake and Michelle's car, Michelle has discovered the rule about not buying tickets by phone. Crap. I was hoping they wouldn't realize they screwed up until they arrived at the pitstop. Wouldn't that have been awesome? Lake whines "I didn't read the whole thing!" in an impatient voice, as if he couldn't possibly be bothered to actually read the clue's instructions. He's a busy man!

Commercials. I've noticed that pudgy, red-headed boys are featured a lot in ads these days. What's up with that?

Lake demands to see the clue, as if Michelle is lying or too stupid to understand the clue's instructions. She refuses to hand it over, because he's driving. Lake says "I'm sorry...", and my hopes for his likeability begin to rise. "...that was partially my fault." Oh. Never mind. Partially his fault? I would love to hear how any part of it isn't his fault. Actually, no I wouldn't. I would actually love for him to wander into a swarm of hornets. The second shuttle arrives at the airport. The Continental counter is closest to where everyone enters, so several teams stampede for that one. BJ/Tyler, Fran/Barry, Ray/Yolanda, and MoJo catch up with Danielle and Dani at American, Monica whining about how other people beat them there. Yeah, you'd almost think they were racing against you. People introduce themselves. BJ asks if they can call Dani and Danielle "Double D". Ha! Perfect! Thanks, BJ.

Eric and Jeremy ask the Continental agent about arrival times, and take off for American when they hear it arrives first. Wanda/Desiree and David/Lori follow them. The third shuttle arrives, and Lisa/Joni immediately ask for Continental's tickets, not bothering to ask about arrival times. They call their destination San Paolo. Eric and Jeremy see how many people are waiting at American, and wisely decide to ditch for United. Desiree sees how smart this is, and hurriedly whispers to her mom that they should do the same thing. I am liking Desiree more and more. David and Lori do the same thing, as do Ray and Yolanda, who are in a bit of a panic at the end of the American line. Now that MoJo is last, Monica says "I can't believe this is happening", and starts to tear up. Joseph stares at her in amazement, and says "Are you REALLY about to start to cry?" "No," she pouts, and sticks out her lower lip. Hahahahaha!!!! Awesome. I had the same "you cannot be this full of shit" look on my face as Joseph did in that scene. Monica's such a princess. Feh. Barry also tells the agent they're going to San Paolo, thus undoing all the earlier interviews about how well-traveled he is. At this point, MoJo decides to ditch for United. They were next in line behind Fran and Barry, which means that there would have been literally zero disadvantage to asking the agent if there were seats left on American before leaving. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Oh, this is so great. This is our first introduction to the Happy Tootling Nerd Music of David and Lori, who are standing in line at United. They give each other a little smooch, then Lori fans herself, and says she's really hot. "Yeah, you are," comes the inevitable reply. Lori interviews how grateful she is to have David in her life, because he makes her laugh. I know it's early, but they're officially my favorite team. Hey, reality shows are all about snap judgments. Lisa and Joni get their tickets, and now decide to ask the agent about arrival times. Twits. They get the bad news that they're on the last flight to arrive, and that it's too late to switch tickets. DUH. John and Scott decide to head for United. Michelle moans "it's over" as they enter the airport, and Lake tells her to shut the fuck up. Don't they make such a lovely couple? I can see why Michelle adores him so much, and allows him to make all the decisions. He's clearly great at it. American is, of course, sold out. Wanda tries to ask about availability of tickets beyond her own, and the agent kind of awesomely shuts her down. Heh. Lori asks for tickets, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music returns. Scott also calls it San Paolo. He and John, having somehow made it to the United counter before MoJo, get the last tickets. Now that it doesn't make the least bit of difference, Lake and Michelle take off running for Continental. Yeah, hurry or you won't get those loser tickets! MoJo says basically the same thing. Ew, MoJo and I are thinking alike. Well, I guess Joseph's not too bad.

At the Continental counter, Lake introduces himself to Ray/Yolanda by saying his name is "Lake - like the ocean." Ray responds with "Ray - like the sun." Hehehe. So now, everyone has tickets. The American flight carries Double D, BJ/Tyler, and Fran/Barry. The Continental flight carries Lisa/Joni, Lake/Michelle, Ray/Yolanda, and MoJo. The United flight carries Eric/Jeremy, Wanda/Desiree, Dave/Lori, and John/Scott. All three flights have connecting cities, and airlines being what they are, there are some delays. Turns out the United flight will actually get in before the American one. Phil tells us again that the clue is on top of the Hotel Unique, and we get beautiful establishing shots of Sao Paolo.

The United flight gets in at 10:15, ten minutes early. Though they speak Portuguese in Brazil, Wanda's fluent Spanish definitely comes in handy as she gives directions to the cab driver. Eric and Jeremy "jokingly" call Wanda/Desiree bitches for being a few minutes ahead. Am I supposed to find them cute and charming? If so, please try again, casting department. The American flight lands at 10:20, twenty-eight minutes late. Ouch. Still, they're only five minutes behind. BJ and Tyler fret about losing their lead, but BJ tells us they learned some helpful Portuguese phrases on the plane. "You are the best. Would you pass that car?" The cab driver is delighted to comply, and BJ/Tyler hoot in excitement. Their enthusiasm is contagious. Double D's cab driver asks them if they're celebrities, I guess because of the camera. They're like "sure, why not?". The Continental flight arrives at 10:55. Everyone gets cabs. Lisa (or Joni) doesn't know that they speak Portuguese in Brazil. Sigh. How come people like this get to go on this show, and I don't? I asked someone that once, and they said "Because you can't wander away from your job and bills for a month. Only people with nothing to do with their time get to go." That made me feel better.

Wanda and Desiree are first to the clue box. Yay! It tells them to travel by taxi to Viaduto Santa Efigenia, a bridge three miles away. The next clue will be on the bridge. Eric and Jeremy arrive at the hotel, and head inside. John and Scott get there next. "There's another cab," John whines.

Gnat: "No way! Another cab at a hotel!?!?"

Hehehe. BJ/Tyler, heading in, meet Wanda/Desiree coming out, so the ladies are now aware of the flight delay and the fact that they're in first place. Wheee! The other teams grab their clues, BJ and Tyler relishing the sound of the ripping clue envelope. I love that sound. Dave and Lori give each other another smooch as they arrive at the hotel in fifth. Fran and Barry are in sixth, and ask their cab driver to wait for them. Eric and Jeremy leave the hotel and try to get in the cab, but are told that it's occupied. Way to go, Honest Taxi Driver! They're forced to go looking for another cab. Double D gets to the hotel in seventh, and Eric/Jeremy introduce themselves. I guess we're supposed to think they're being horndogs, but I think they're currently more interested in Double D's cab than their cabooses. BJ and Tyler easily breeze by the cab-hunting teams into second. As Dave and Lori get into their cab, they do a little nerd handshake, and David interviews about how nerds rule, and does his goofy giggle again. I feel like the show is pushing a little too hard for "Aren't Dave and Lori adorable?" I mean, yes they are, but I need you to back off a little, show. Don't get so fresh on our first date. Double D makes fun of Eric and Jeremy. All four of you can shut up, as far as I'm concerned.

Teams arrive at the bridge. Fran and Barry pay off the cab driver in Brazilian money. When did they have time to get that? I guess they may have gotten it as change from the first cab ride. John and Scott's cab driver is lost. Rut roh! Scott doesn't seem too worried about it, but John needles him about not being anxious enough about their situation. MoJo hits the hotel in eighth. Getting the clue makes Monica deliriously happy, and she jumps up and down and whoops annoyingly. She sure does swing from mood to mood quickly, doesn't she? It's hard to keep up. Lake and Michelle run through the hotel in ninth, asking workers if a black team has come through. They have not. Ray and Yolanda are still in their cab, and Ray asks the driver rather intensely if they're getting near the hotel. Yolanda, visibly sensing that Ray's on the verge of becoming rude, tells him they're going the right direction, and to be nice. She then kids around with him about how he'd feel if a big, black man were all up in his grill about directions. He laughs. They're cute. They get to the hotel in tenth, which leaves Lisa and Joni bringing up the rear. Again.

Wanda and Desiree have found the clue on the bridge. It's the season's first Detour, which as you may know, is a choice between two tasks - each with its own pros and cons. And it's named as crappily as ever! The choices? Motor Head or Rotor Head. In Motor Head, teams travel one mile to a motorcycle shop. Once there, they use a box of parts and a finished model to assemble a motorcycle. When the resident mechanic is able to kickstart the bike, they'll get their next clue. In Rotor Head, teams travel three miles to an airport. Once there, they have to consult a flight directory and find one of three buildings. Once they locate one of the buildings (which are, of course, varying distances from the airport), they get tickets, then take a helicopter to the building to search for a clue. Tickets to each building are limited. Huh. Interesting choice. For me, the choice would be easy, because I can't even change a damn tire. Desiree feels the same way, so she and her mom are off to Rotor Head. BJ and Tyler choose the same thing, as do Eric and Jeremy. Fran and Barry can't find the clue box, but Lori spots it easily. Dave almost accidentally takes a second clue, which would have meant a penalty, but Lori stops him in time. They go for Rotor Head. We cut back to a shot of Fran and Barry walking right by the clue box. Fran almost brushes the damn thing with her hand! Sigh. They seem like nice people, but you, ma'am, are no MJ.

Commercials. Hey, Desiree's in a new movie!

Fran and Barry are still wandering around, looking for the clue box. They walk right by it again, only this time, their line of sight is blocked by pedestrians. Wanda and Desiree get into a cab just ahead of BJ/Tyler. Wanda's revved up in competition mode, and once they're on the way, Desiree calmly talks her down a bit. She interviews that her mom tends to get overexcited, and her role in the team is to keep them on task. She's doing a pretty damn good job of it so far. BJ/Tyler and Eric/Jeremy are still unable to shake each other. Double D arrive and see Fran and Barry, who tell them they haven't been able to find the clue box. Double D is deservedly anxious about this, but they manage to spot to clue box pretty quickly, vaulting them into fifth place. They choose Motor Head. Because they're so mechanically-inclined! Meanwhile, John starts to fret about still being stuck in the Cab From Hell, and begins suggesting they get out and walk. Scott doesn't seem to want to do that, and John gets a bit pissy about how poorly they're doing.

Wanda and Desiree's driver has gotten them to the right airport, but the wrong entrance. BJ/Tyler/Eric/Jeremy are having similar problems, which allows Dave and Lori to slide into first place. Hooray! They begin looking for building coordinates. BJ/Tyler/Eric/Jeremy arrive next, and begin searching as well. BJ/Tyler finds their coordinates first, and it happens to be the closest building as well, so they're in good shape. Eric/Jeremy find the closest building as well, and manage to figure out before BJ/Tyler that they need to talk to the dispatcher lady for tickets before they can choose a pilot. So many reversals in so short a time! Dave and Lori have found the coordinates for the second-closest building. At first, BJ appears to say "Arigato!" to the dispatcher lady. I ask Gnat why the hell he's thanking her in Japanese. It turns out that he's probably saying "Obrigado", which is Portuguese for "Thank you." Way to go, me. Dumbass. The three lead teams get into their helicopters. BJ yells "Holy smackers!" which does seem to describe the situation admirably. Dave and Lori are happy about being in third. Wanda and Desiree finally arrive, and decide to get tickets to the furthest hotel, because it's the first one they found in the coordinates book. But...there's nobody breathing down their necks. Why not take another minute or two to find a closer building? They don't hear me.

Double D arrives at the motorcycle shop, and immediately ask for help from the people milling around before even looking at the motorcycle. As a strategy, they could do worse, but I'm very much not a fan of the race-to-a-location-and-have-a-local-do-all-the-work trick. They appear to talk a guy into helping them by kissing him on the cheek, but he abandons them soon after. Awesome. They begin to work on the motorcycle, and quickly discover that they have no earthly idea what they're doing. MoJo arrives at the bridge and spots the clue box. This is what Fran and Barry need to finally see it themselves. MoJo reads the Detour, and Joseph immediately knows that they'll both be useless at the motorcycle, so they head for Rotor Head. Fran and Barry decide to go for Motor Head. Lake and Michelle arrive, as do Ray and Yolanda. MoJo, sitting in their cab, spots Lake, and Joseph says "There's Scott Peterson, right there." Hey! Comparing him to a wife-murderer that he happens to look like isn't funny at all!

Would you excuse me for a moment? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Joseph just jumped fifty points in my book. Scott and Laci choose Motor Head. She seems a bit nervous about their choice and he yells at her to not second guess him. Yeah, Michelle. If you start to second guess his decisions, you might not book prohibited tickets. And then where will you be? Ray and Yolanda choose Motor Head as well. Lisa and Joni are still stuck in their taxi. They're pretty sure they're in last. Lisa (or Joni) comments on the smell and asks Joni (or Lisa) if she farted. Joni (or Lisa) informs her sister that what she's smelling is the city. Cultural insensitivity is so hilarious! Shut up, Lisa (or Joni).

Gnat: "She totally farted."

John and Scott finally get out of their Cab From Hell. They begin asking for information, but the people around them can't or won't help them out. "This is insanity," John lisps in a voice that Andrae would dismiss as too queeny.

Commercials. Men with guns walk towards an airplane. Dennis Haysbert: "We are going to take down this plane." Gnat: "Um...it's already on the ground."

John and Scott still can't get their bearings. John says that they're making a critical mistake right now. Well, it was his idea to get out of the cab. Lisa and Joni are still stuck, too. The teams in the helicopters admire the view. Now, Tyler calls it San Paolo. Eric and Jeremy land at their building, so BJ and Tyler are stuck in the air until the first copter can take off again. Eric and Jeremy easily find the clue, which tells them to travel by taxi to the neighborhood of Santa Cecilia, five miles away. Once there, they have to find a warehouse where people are demonstrating a religious snake-handling ritual. After lighting a candle, they'll get their next clue. Cool! BJ and Tyler find the clue easily as well, so the four of them are still stuck together.

Yay! The Happy Tootling Nerd Music! That must mean... Yep, it's Dave and Lori, landing at their building. Lori spots the clue pretty quickly. Nice. They're off to Santa Cecilia. Wanda and Desiree are admiring the stunning view from their helicopter. Even if I thought I might be able to assemble a motorcycle, I'd be tempted to choose this Detour option just because it looks so cool. Though it doesn't mean anything to the game, their building is by far the prettiest inside. Desiree jokes that she wishes this were the pitstop. Heh. She spots the clue hiding under the bathroom scale. They're off, and thrilled with their Detour choice, no matter how it affects their race placement. I like to see people enjoying themselves on this show. It's way better than the constantly grim teams who treat each new task and destination as some sort of hellish punishment.

MoJo approaches the helicopter airport. They miss the entrance, and Happy Monica instantly becomes Harpy Monica. Joseph actually has to put his hand in her face and tell her to chill. She's awful. I wish she had some of those emotion buttons like Moose had in the Sweet Pickles books, so I could keep up with her bipolar ass. Weren't those books awesome, by the way? Remember the one where Elephant... What? Oh. Fine. MoJo's driver has to turn around, and he takes forever doing it, which frustrates them even further.

Commercials. I'm as bitter and jaded as the next guy, but I have to say that those Oreo triplets are adorable.

MoJo's driver finally gets turned around, and then goes right past the entrance again. Ouch! Meanwhile, Double D gives up on the motorcycle, and leaves to go to the other Detour option, meeting Fran and Barry on the way out. They tell them that they've given up, but decide to wait and see if Fran and Barry are any good at the task. Well, I'm sure that won't waste time at all. Fran is fairly confident that she'll be able to figure out the motorcycle. Fran and Barry do not get off to a promising start, so Double D change their minds again, and leave. Lake is still screeching at both Michelle and his driver. I'm pleased we haven't had to spend too much time with them tonight. I suppose that'll change when they're only one of six teams. Sigh. For all his idiocy and blustering, Lake is, indeed, very skilled at putting the motorcycle together. Barry asks if he can watch, and Lake offers to give them some tips once he's done if they still haven't figured it out. That doesn't please Michelle, but he points out that'd it be nice later if Fran and Barry owed them one. He's right. If they work together now, it's mutually beneficial. Ray and Yolanda arrive at the shop and choose a cycle outside in the street. They both start working on it (as opposed to Michelle standing around uselessly inside), and a crowd of young men starts to gather to leer and jeer at Yolanda. Oh, that's not cool at all. Ray looks like he's about to go over there and start banging skulls. He could probably take them all, too.

John and Scott finally find the bridge and choose Rotor Head, passing Lisa and Joni (who they call the Frosties - nah, still don't like it) on the way out. John is nervous about flying in a helicopter. I think Scott has yet to utter more than a full sentence at a stretch. Lisa and Joni find the clue box and Lisa (or Joni) starts to screech so loud that my television screen shatters. After I hook up a new TV, we learn that they're going for Rotor Head. Eric and Jeremy thank their pilot and head for Santa Cecilia. I'm skipping all the parts where they say something juvenile about hot chicks or whatever. BJ and Tyler are right on their tails, as usual. MoJo finally gets to the airport as BJ and Tyler leave, and we switch back to Happy Jumping Monica. I guess I'll have to qualify her mood every time she appears on screen. It's like she has a switch in her back or something. They find the second-closest building (Angry Impatient Monica) and get into the helicopter (Thrilled Jumpy Monica). Dave and Lori land. Wanda and Desiree land. Looks like Wanda and Desiree made up some time, there. MoJo lands at their building (Thankfully Silent Monica). Joseph finds the clue (Happy Jumping Monica). They head back to their helicopter in fifth place.

Fran and Barry are still floundering with their motorcycle. Lake is overexcited, as always, but is making quick progress. Poor Ray and Yolanda are still getting harassed on the street. Lake finishes, and while I hate his guts, he did a really good job on that. He and Michelle get the Santa Cecilia clue. He tries to pass some hints to Fran and Barry about the cycle's assembly, but they have no idea what he's talking about, and he and Michelle can't stand around jawing, so they take off. Well, he tried. He brags to Ray a little bit as they leave, and when they get settled in a cab, Michelle tells him that he did an awesome job. He gets a huge grin, like, "You bet I did. I rock!" Note the absence of the words "thank" and "you". Fran and Barry suck wind some more, and are convinced they'll be eliminated.

Commercials. Wasn't this stupid Tim-Allen-as-dog movie released a long time ago? Are they re-releasing it? Am I crazy?

Fran and Barry give up, and head for the helicopters. Wow, they suck at everything. Ray and Yolanda see them leave, and think that they've finished the task. In the cab, Fran says that she thought there might be plans or some such thing to aid in their construction. That makes some sense. Still, I assume you have to have some rudimentary knowledge about machine construction to do well, and they couldn't even locate the engine. They're upset. Double D gets to the helicopters and finds the same building Dave/Lori and MoJo found. The returning MoJo sees them and cackles over the fact that Double D isn't in first place any more. John and Scott have gone to the same incorrect entrance that Wanda and Desiree hit. MoJo (Excited Acceptable Monica) grabs a taxi to Santa Cecilia. As they leave, they see Lisa and Joni entering, and there are those yelping shrieks again. Rrrrrgh!!! It's like chewing on tin foil. Lisa (or Joni) is frightened of the helicopter. Joni (or Lisa) just leads her to the coordinates book. There's a lot of world-weary sighing and "Oh, my God!" Yeah, you have to find a picture in a book. Poor you. This is what I was talking about before. If it's such a trial to do something as simple as this, why did you sign up for this race? Can't you be as effectively annoying in your living room in Houston?

Fran and Barry arrive at the helicopters. Sweet sassy molassy, they've caught up. I didn't realize John/Scott/Lisa/Joni were that far behind. Good. Lisa (or Joni) finds a building. John and Scott arrive. Lisa (or Joni) spots them and starts with the ungodly shrieking again. I ask Gnat to put a bullet in my brain, but she's too busy going into seizures on the ground. We decide to put the television on MUTE for the Lisa/Joni scenes from here on out. Lisa and Joni get their tickets (to the second-closest building). MUTE. Fran and Barry look at them like they've started to sprout horns out of their heads. As Lisa and Joni get into their helicopter, Fran and Barry spot their building. It's the closest one. Lisa and Joni take off. MUTE. Fran and Barry take off. They're extremely pleased not to be in last. John and Scott don't seem to do any better at this task than any other so far, but finally spot the same building that Lisa and Joni are on their way to. Turns out the Harpies (ooh, there's a nickname I can live with - we'll try it out) got the last tickets, so John and Scott are hosed again. They're upset. There's a scary closeup on John's duck lips.

Commercials. I know the ever-increasing blade number on razors is a cheap trick. I still kind of want one of those new ones, though.

John and Scott finally spot another building. The farthest one. They take off, with John in a state of anxiety about the helicopter. Instead of his state of anxiety about their race placement. Over in Santa Cecilia, Eric/Jeremy/BJ/Tyler find the warehouse. The ceremony looks cool. One of the men has a gigantic snake wrapped around him as he dances. The teams light their candles and get the final clue that sends them to the pitstop, the Estadio de Pacaembu (a soccer stadium). In the cab, Eric reads that they must enter the stadium through a specific gate. Dave and Lori find the warehouse and get their clue. Wanda and Desiree are right behind them. Ray and Yolanda are still working on the cycle while getting heckled. Ray gives Yolanda a "I'm about to go crazy on these guys" look, and she gives him a "I know what you mean, and I'm totally with you, but we've got more important things to focus on right now" look back. Now that was some effective communication. They finish up, and could not be happier about leaving the cycle shop. Boy, I'll say. They head for Santa Cecilia in seventh place. Double D, Fran and Barry, and the Harpies land and find their clues in quick succession. The Harpies pray to Jesus to not be eliminated. Shut up. Jesus and I both hate you.

Scott tells John he's so proud of the way John has held up in the helicopter. Aw. They land and get their clue. Fran and Barry, having gone to a closer building than the other trailing teams, are catching up. They're right behind Double D now. Lake and Michelle light their candle and get their clue. Hooray for not much screen time! As MoJo goes to the warehouse, they show us a shot of a homeless person sleeping on the street, just so we don't think Brazil is all giggles and sunshine. They light their candle (Happy Jumping Monica), and head for the stadium. The Harpies can't find a cab to Santa Cecilia. MUTE again becomes necessary. See, I told you Jesus hates them.

Commercials. Lady and the Tramp "touches the heart of every generation". Really? Even generations that had been dead for 1300 years when it was released? That's quite an accomplishment.

The Harpies still can't find a taxi to take them anywhere. Gnat: "I know somewhere they can take you." Heh. They find one as John and Scott land. MUTE. Eric/Jeremy/BJ/Tyler approach the stadium. Phil waits inside with the greeter, who's doing neato tricks with a soccer ball. And coming in first is... Eric and Jeremy, unsurprisingly. Feh. They win $10,000 each. Double feh. BJ and Tyler come in second. They're pleased, but obviously a bit disappointed as well. Dave and Lori get to the stadium, but miss the correct gate. That allows Wanda and Desiree to slip right by them and come in third. They did a fantastic job today. Dave and Lori come in fourth. They're in luuuuurve.

Ray and Yolanda find the warehouse and light their candle. The lead guy is still enthusiastically dancing with his snake. Double D gets caught in bad traffic, so Fran and Barry jump yet another place. Amazing. They all head for the stadium. Lake and Michelle hit the mat as team 5. Lake freaks out, and starts rolling around on the ground in ecstasy. Phil tells Michelle that he's "expressive". Very diplomatic, Phil. MoJo hits as team 6 (Happy Jumping Monica). The Harpies wander around Santa Cecilia cluelessly. MUTE. In their cab, John acts like a genie so they can get some good luck. The cab driver gets a look like, "...the fuck?" Ray and Yolanda check in as team 7. They hug in total exhaustion. Miracle of miracles, here come Fran and Barry as team 8. They hope they've learned and moved on from their mistakes. It's possible. Chip and Kim had a terrible first leg. Double D takes ninth place.

The Harpies find the warehouse, followed by John and Scott. Scott pets the snake, but John looks terrified of it. Both teams bolt for the stadium. It's edited to look close, but I doubt it is. Yes, here come the Harpies, arriving at the mat as team 10. Damn. Damn! And of course, MUUUUUUUUUUUUTE. John and Scott finally arrive, and are eliminated. They're not surprised or overly upset. They viewed their short time on the race as a bonding experience, and John is happy that he was able to face one of his fears. Eh. While they don't seem like horrible people, I've just about had it with the prissy gay guys this show tends to cast. There are as many kinds of queers as there are kinds of heteros, show. How about next time, you give us some gay guys that aren't so...delicate.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Eric and Jeremy hit on Double D. This dynamic happened before, when Brian and Greg hit on Megan and Heidi. Megan and Heidi were eliminated two seconds later, which means I'm all for this relationship. Danielle is scared of heights. Fran racks herself rappelling down a waterfall.

Overall Grade: B+