Here Comes the Bedouin

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 8

Previously on The Amazing Race: Six teams finally left Sicily behind, and headed for Athens, Greece. Lake and Michelle had a series of nasty fights, capped by Lake calling the woman he vowed to love and honor till death do they part a bitch in front of millions of viewers. Aw, don't you wish you could attend their anniversary parties? I'm sure you'd be able to eat whatever food you caught in the ensuing melee. The Tools grabbed the Fast Forward, which made MoJo crabby. Ray enjoyed his bungee jump. Fran...didn't. The Hippies got lost, but Lake and Michelle got even more lost. In more ways than one. The bickering couple came in last, and we were all put out of our collective misery. Five teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Funny how I can remember what John and Scott's dogs look like from week to week, but would be hard pressed to pick Scott out of a lineup.

Southern Greece. Phil's usual opening blather. The Tools depart the mat first at 11:54 PM. Their clue tells them to fly to Muscat, Oman. Cool! Not that I don't love seeing Italy and Brazil and Greece and everything, but it'll be nice to see a country that Americans are less familiar with. Once in Muscat, teams have to find a sculpture of a giant incense burner for their next clue. Happily, the clue also tells them to cross the nearby bridge on foot and sign up for one of two charter busses that will take them to the airport. There goes that huge lead the Tools just built up. Aces. As they sign up for their 9 AM bus, the Tools brag in an interview about how much better they are than other teams. While I appreciate their tempting Fate to kick their asses, I do have to admit that their bragging is somewhat justified. There. I tried to be objective. You all saw me!

MoJo leaves the mat at 4:31 AM. Joseph doesn't appreciate that the other teams have better luck than him and Monica. I'll remind you that they're leaving in second place, so maybe he'd better hold off on the "poor us" speech. Monica agrees by saying that they need to make their own destiny, rather than relying on luck. Yes, why trust to luck when there's destiny around? Ray and Yolanda, the last remaining team without a nickname, departs the mat at 4:41 AM. This is odd. They start off having a completely normal, rational discussion about whether the bridge that they see is the one that they need to cross to get to the charter bus sign-in. Yolanda interviews that she and Ray often rib each other a lot, but sometimes the ribbing crosses over into actual insults. Ray says that they need to find the "damn" bridge, and Yolanda takes this as him cursing her out. It was really pretty mild, but it sparks off an actual spat. When she's not looking, Ray shoots her the finger. Yolanda has scary girl powers, though, so she sees him with the eyes in the back of her head. They continue sniping, though neither one of them ever raises their voice. I mean, they're fighting, but they're not FIGHTING.

MoJo signs up for the bus. Ray and Yolanda sign up. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 6:20 AM. Fran pronounces Oman "OH-mun". She says that Frankenberry doesn't have a lot of speed, but they've got endurance. I'd agree with that. They cross the bridge and sign up for the bus. The Hippies leave the mat at 8:51 AM. Yowza. Tyler talks about how they've been given a second chance at the race. Yes, and your third chance will be next week. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. They begin to cross the bridge. Bus #1 leaves. It crosses the bridge going the other way, so Fran tells everyone that they'll probably see the Hippies crossing. They do, in fact, see them, and the Tools hoot and holler (though the Hippies can't hear them). Fran, somewhat of a Tool herself, joins the laugh at the Hippies' expense. The Hippies sign up for a bus that leaves an hour behind the first one. Tyler compliments BJ on his hustle. I have to say that after playing on a kickball team and a softball team, if I never hear the word "hustle" again, it'll be too soon. They board their bus.

The lead teams arrive at the airport in Athens. Frankenberry heads for the information desk. They find a flight on Gulf Air that connects through Bahrain, and arrives in Oman at 10:50 PM. Barry wants to book the flight right there, but the woman's like "Hi, this is the information counter. Not so much with the selling tickets." That was taken out of my Polite Serviceperson to Thoughts Going Through Polite Serviceperson's Head dictionary. As they leave to go to the Gulf Air counter, they see other teams and say "Oh, no." Um. Did you think you lost them between the bus you all just got off and the information counter? Barry snits that they're not going to share the information they just got. Because there's certainly no other source of flight information at the airport than Barry. His brilliant plan falls through when everyone just kind of follows them to the ticket counter.

Meanwhile, BJ says that all the ghosts of the eliminated teams are with them on the bus. He does an absolutely hilarious impression of Lake pressuring them about sharing flight information. He then moves on to talk about Dave and Lori, and the editors sneak in the Happy Tootling Nerd Music. Finally, he makes fun of Double D by pretending they'd think Oman is in China. Hehehe. Awesome scene. What's weird is that when they arrive at the airport, everyone else is still in line. Surely they haven't been trying to purchase tickets for an hour. Joseph becomes the second doofus to not want others to find out about the flight. Seriously, you twits. Stop expending energy on trying to form some sort of flight information cover-up. It's not going to work. Of course, this scene does remind me of the time Rob "tricked" the other teams with "false" flight information, and the whole thing blew up in his face, and that makes me happy all over. The Hippies aren't able to get on the Gulf Air flight, so they book one on Qatar Air that arrives at 11:45 PM. Heh. Now I'm reminded of that Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode where Pearl agrees to become overlord of Qatar, and says that her first act will be to "get those losers a U". My brain is all over the place today. Anyway, the Hippies don't seem too put out, probably because they know the next task is unlikely to be open in the middle of the night. The planes take off.

Muscat, Oman. The establishing shots are really pretty. The first flight lands. I guess I missed the part where the teams were told they'd be provided with cars, but they are. Everyone starts making their way to the incense-burner sculpture. The Tools marvel at how cool Muscat looks. It really does. Flight #2 lands, and the Hippies pick up a Fern to get to the incense burner. I see a hand in the back. Fern? A "Fern" is a local that agrees to assist a team by leading them to a destination, helping out with a task, etc. It's called that because the original Fern was named...well...Fern. The terminology comes from Television Without Pity's recaps, which used to be really good before the recapper got all burnt-out and bitter. Now they're just kind of tiresome. Anyhow, the Hippies' Fern leads them out of the airport. The Tools are first to the incense burner, which looks like a giant chalice with Nilla Wafers sticking out of it. And lo and behold, the gates don't open until 6 AM. The Tools have the gall to be pissily surprised, as if hours of operation haven't been equalizing teams since forever. So everyone, including the Hippies, catches up. They thank their Fern. As everyone waits for the gates to open, Yolanda picks up the fight from before. I love Yolanda, but Ray said one indirect "damn" and shot her one finger. How many hours later is it now? It's time to let it go. I think race fatigue is setting in for them. They interview separately about how they need to work on communication and such.

Commercials. I think I'm going to go contract some horrible ailment so that I can then get the treatment, which will apparently allow me the money and time to go sailing, horseback riding on the beach, and floating around in hot air balloons.

Morning. The gates open, and everyone runs in. They rip the clue, and it tells them to drive 135 miles to the town of Sur. Once there, they have to find a particular ferry crossing where the next clue box will be located. Everyone tears out of there. The Tools are in the lead, and note that everyone's following them, despite not having any idea where they're going. Ray and Yolanda continue arguing. Did Lake and Michelle do some sort of voodoo ritual to possess Ray and Yolanda with their spirits so they could continue racing? The Hippies follow MoJo, which Monica notes by calling them "buttheads". Ooh, harsh! She's also mad that while she was getting directions, the Hippies passed them. So which is it, Monica? Are you angry that the Hippies are in front of you, or are you angry that they're behind you? Can't really have it both ways. Frankenberry pulls out their mad phat map skillz, and pass the Tools, who have stopped for directions. Ray and Yolanda are having direction issues too.

Monica, who was pissed that the Hippies were following them, is now following the Hippies. Nice flexible sense of morality she's got there. The Hippies and MoJo come upon a flooded section that they must drive through. A tiny, muscular local runs out into the flood and directs the drivers through. Heh, awesome. They thank him. He does the same for Frankenberry and the Tools. Ray and Yolanda have fallen behind. The Hippies come upon an even bigger flood. It's almost a small river. They think they should let someone else attempt to go through first. MoJo pulls up next to them. Both teams egg each other on, hoping that they'll go first and get stuck in the mud or something. Frankenberry pulls up behind them. The Tools spot the water from a distance, scoff at the chicken teams, and just plunge in. That water is really deep. It almost comes up over the hood of the car. The Hippies hope the Tools get stuck, but they don't, so they're back in the lead. Seeing them succeed finally goads the other teams into driving through. Monica's next line has to be quoted verbatim: "Eric and Jeremy sometimes just want to be first so bad that they just cut in front of lines."

Huh? HUH? Now, I think there's ample evidence that I'm not the Tools' number one fan. But there is absolutely not one single thing wrong with what they just did. First of all, "line"? You're not at Walgreen's picking up mascara. This isn't turn-based. Secondly, maybe there wouldn't be a "line" if MoJo had had the balls to drive into the water when they got to it, instead of hemming and hawing over it. Thirdly, she's getting all up in arms because Eric and Jeremy want to beat them. Yeah, it's almost as if this were some kind of race, and you guys were in direct competition with one another! Weird! I do not know what is coursing through whatever random components make up Monica's "mind", but she needs a nice tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up.

Ray and Yolanda are led through the first flood by the lithe little man, and make it through the second one without having a big tantrum about the mean teams that have the nerve to be in front of them. In Sur, MoJo passes Eric and Jeremy, who have stopped for directions to the ferry. Monica fails to hate herself, so that's two for two on the things that other people aren't allowed to do, but she is. MoJo is first to the clue box. Detour! Camel or Watchtower. In Camel, teams use a pulley to load a camel into a pickup truck. Then they drive the truck one mile to a Bedouin camp, using a hand-drawn map with some landmarks on it. They then exchange the camel for their next clue. In Watchtower, teams are accosted by aggressive Mormons who try to convert them. Teams that can hold fast to their original religion get their next clue. Kidding! I've been watching too much Big Love. In Watchtower, teams go to one of the nearby watchtowers (there are three), and look for a scroll on a pillow. The trick is that one of the watchtowers has three scrolls, one has two, and one has none, so it does make a difference which one the teams search. Once they've got a scroll, they must travel one mile to a gold and silver shop and exchange it for the next clue.

All three lead teams (MoJo, Frankenberry, and the Hippies) go for Watchtower. The Tools pull up next, and opt for Camel. Everyone shares a ferry over, then splits up. Frankenberry decides to follow the Hippies to their watchtower, while MoJo heads for the closer one. There are mountain goats baaaaa-ing away on the cliffs nearby. As the Tools load their camel, it makes all sorts of hilarious noises in protest. It's sort of Chewbacca-ish. The watchtower that MoJo enters is the one with zero scrolls. Reeeeee-ohhhhhhh! That's a foghorn noise, by the way. The Hippies find the one with two scrolls, so Frankenberry's good to go as well. They grab the ferry back. MoJo decides they don't want to make their way to another watchtower, so they're going to switch to Camel. The Tools load their camel. It looks like Eric hasn't raised it enough for Jeremy to pull the truck in under it, so they nick its legs. Ouch! He looks okay, but that made me wince. They leave for the Bedouin camp. The Hippies and Frankenberry find someone to help them find the gold/silver shop. For no reason, BJ shows the camera a sketch of a camel he's done. I only bring it up because it's a really good sketch. I can't even draw stick people. MoJo loads their camel, which is making those noises of unhappiness. Aw.

The Tools make a turn onto a dirt path. Frankenberry arrives at the shop and gets their clue. It tells them to drive to the village of Al Hawiyah. Once there, they walk across some sandy field surrounded by date palms to find their next clue. The shopkeeper shows off his wicked knife to the Hippies before handing over the clue. Heh. MoJo finishes loading their camel and leaves for the Bedouin camp. The Tools are just now discovering that they're not where they need to be. They think everyone will have a lot of trouble finding the camp, which is of course our cue to check in with MoJo, who easily finds it. They get their Al Hawiyah clue. They wish they'd taken the camel first, and blame the watchtower mistake on bad luck. I mean, yeah, it was bad luck that the one they chose to search didn't contain a clue, but that's kind of the whole point of the Detour. If every tower had clues, there really wouldn't be any cons involved with that choice. They just seem to pawn every choice they make that doesn't pan out off on bad luck, which is a little...what's the word? Convenient? The Tools are still lost. They call themselves idiots. I nod. The camel looks nonplussed.

Commercials. Local newscaster Vickie Newton is turning forty. Let's all take time to care.

The Tools finally find the Bedouin camp. Ray and Yolanda (whom the Tools spot and pronounce to rhyme with "Joe Panda" for some reason) finally reach the Detour, and choose Camel. They get started, and Yolanda comforts another unhappy camel. Aw. She tells us he doesn't smell as bad as she figured he would. Well, that's a nice silver lining. They don't appear to have any problems finding the Bedouin camp. They know they're in last place, but Ray keeps a positive outlook. Up at the sand dunes in Al Hawiyah, Frankenberry spots the clue box. Hey, they didn't drive or walk past it a million times! Progress! They and the Hippies get their clue at the same time. Roadblock! "Who's willing to work for food?" Well, that's vague. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to dig through 117 sand dunes to find some shuwa: spiced lamb wrapped in a dried palm weave mat. The space that's dug underground for it acts as a natural oven. Neat. Not only do the teams need to retrieve the shuwa for their next clue - it will also be their dinner that evening. BJ takes on the Roadblock, as does Barry. More camels stand around looking bored. The Roadblockers get digging. Fran comments on the heat.

MoJo approaches Al Hawiyah. Joseph is reading something out while Monica sings the name of the town. He asks her not to be annoying. I think you're about 40 minutes too late on that one, Joseph. They reach the clue box, and Monica takes the Roadblock. Tyler and Fran cheer on their teammates, Tyler by shouting encouragement and Fran by complaining about the heat. Yeah, well, you're not the one digging through mounds of sand, lady, so stow it. Monica threatens to get even with Joseph for "making her" do the Roadblock. I regret giving away my "stow it" to Fran when there are other much more deserving people present. There's a shot of a grimacing Monica with her teeth sticking out. The very next shot is one of a grimacing camel with its teeth sticking out. Oh, snap!!!! Blood Ray and I had to rewind a couple of times to soak up all the hilarity of that moment. In fact, I was discussing the episode over the phone with Gnat the next day, and she mentioned that she didn't catch this bit.

Limecrete: "Well, I'll have to show you the camel shot. It was priceless."
Gnat: "I really suggest you don't say things like that out loud at work anymore."

The Tools arrive at the Roadblock, and Eric takes it on. Why are all these people wearing long pants? Whatever. More camels complain. Barry is the first of the Roadblockers to find his shuwa. I love typing sentences I'll never need to use again for the remainder of my life. Monica finds one soon after. She says she needs to be careful digging so that the dirt (read: sand) doesn't collapse onto their meat. Smash cut to Barry not being careful, and the sand collapsing onto their meat. Heh. Another camel complains. Fran gets a face like "The fuck?", then grins. Aw. Back in Ray and Yolanda's car, Yolanda still won't let the cussing thing go. Seriously, woman. At this point, you're beyond over-focused and bordering on unattractive. Monica extracts her bag, which Fran helpfully notes by yelling "She's got it, Baaaar!!!!!". MoJo rips the clue, which directs them to the next pitstop - Jabreen Castle, which is 150 miles away. It's gorgeous. MoJo takes off, jabbering about how they can finally come in first. Tyler yells to BJ that after this, it's the pitstop, but BJ is beyond caring about anything. Yeah, this does look like one of the more punishing Roadblocks.

Barry pulls his bag up and gets the clue. He walks slowly over to Fran, who snips at him to "get [her] out of here". Yeah, it must have been hard for you to stand around yelling while Barry pawed through mountains of sand, sweating his skin off. Bitch. She's more conciliatory once they get going. OK, I take back the "bitch" comment. Tyler continues yelling encouragement to BJ, who doesn't want to hear it anymore. Eric finds his shuwa. Jeremy tells him if he hurries, they can still get first place. Heh. Hehehehe. Hahahahaha!!!! Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself again. As they leave, Ray and Yolanda drive in. Yolanda takes the Roadblock. Tyler complains to Ray about how they were the first ones there, and now have been passed by everyone. Ray attempts to look sympathetic, but he's got to be thinking "Oh, I'll show you 'passed by everyone'". BJ is exhausted, snaps at Tyler, and is beginning to complain about how Tyler gets to do all the cool Roadblocks. Whuh oh. That's not a good headspace to be in. Tyler asks him if he's missed any mounds. BJ snarks back that he's missed the ones he hasn't dug out yet. Yolanda whispers "You tell him, BJ" to herself. Hee. But she's not done. Ray tells her to get a pattern going and she whispers "Your momma got a pattern goin'." Hahahaha. Then she makes a face at him behind her shovel that Blood Ray insisted on rewinding to and taking a picture of with his phone.

Dig this, buddy.

She manages to find her shuwa next. Ouch. She gently tells BJ she's got one, and not to give up. Aw. She and Ray take off for the pit stop. Tyler laments quietly to the camera that it's hard to watch BJ struggle like this. No doubt.

Commercials. I know Jon Lovtiz's schtick should be officially old, but I still find him really funny. It must have something to do with my beloved Critic DVDs.

The Hippies have been at the Roadblock for so long, even the camels have given up complaining and have laid down for a nice rest. A minute or two later, and BJ finally finds his shuwa. He's completely drained. Tyler is proud of him. I agree with Gnat that he really did a good job of being encouraging when BJ needed it, and shutting his trap when BJ needed that. They hug, and head for the pitstop. Meanwhile, MoJo tries to figure out where they're going, but Fran seems to know exactly where the castle is. The Tools take another left onto another dirt road, just as when they got lost during the Detour. They say it's a shortcut. Sure. You've already amply proven how great you are at getting around Oman. Yolanda tells Ray what town they're heading to, and when he asks if she's sure, she bites his head off again. Lady, come on. In the Hippie car, BJ looks extremely depressed. Tyler tries to keep his spirits up. There's a lot of intercutting between MoJo and Frankenberry to see who will get to Nizwa (the town where the castle is located) first. MoJo takes a wrong turn. No doubt that it's because of their "bad luck". They get directions from some helpful bystanders. Too late, though, because Frankenberry - FRANKENBERRY - comes into the pitstop in first place. The look on Phil's face is phenomenal. They win a trip to Rome. Hopefully they can stay there for more than three minutes.

Darkness falls. Geez, how lost did MoJo get? They check in as team number two. They're unhappy, and for once I can understand why a second place team would be sour about it. Even darker darkness falls. The Tools' "shortcut" has led them into the middle of nowhere. Ha! Eric convinces himself that other teams are having as much trouble as they are. The editors never tire of that opportunity, so we cut directly to Ray and Yolanda, having no trouble at all. They're team number three. They're happy about their placement, but upset that they've been fighting for two days, and are obviously not in the best of moods as they check in. They hope they can pull themselves together.

Limecrete: "Now they'll go and have really angry, unsatisfying sex."

-The next shot is of the Tools in their car-

Blood Ray: "So will they."

The Tools decide to turn around. The Hippies head for Nizwa. Both teams know that anything can happen to other teams. And coming into the pitstop is...the Tools. Bleh. Unsurprising, but bleh. They're team number four. The Hippies reach the castle, and make a mistake by not putting on all their clothes. I mean, sure it'll look ridiculous, but you have to plan for these things. And of course by "these things", I mean a non-elimination point, which we see our first of tonight. The Hippies are still in the race, but Phil takes all of their money and possessions, including the clothes they're not wearing, and they won't receive any money at the start of the next leg. They are determined to claw their way back. If it means them passing the Tools, I'm all for it.

Next week on The Amazing Race: My VCR skips a beat, so all I know is that they're going somewhere with a sandy beach, and Joseph is finally tired of Monica's shit.

Overall Grade: B+