Tailgating

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 6

Previously on Top Chef: Lisa saved Dale from serving an idiotic course, which he didn't appreciate. Zoi underseasoned her mushrooms. Spike wore the dumbest hat in creation. Well, second-dumbest. Everyone hated the Earth team's food, and Zoi was sent packing. This sparked a bunch of fights in the Kitchen, and Dale indicated that he's picked up the mistaken impression that he can be intimidating. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Sliced veggies a-plenty, sliced sausage, and wine. Oh, and Timiffany picked up a gross of Tic-Tacs from some promotion or other, so we were all tasked with getting rid of some. Shame that there weren't any orange ones left.

Naturally, tonight's opening segment has to be some Monday morning quarterbacking about the last challenge. Spike opens by pissing away any sympathy I had for him last week by interviewing that people thought he should have gone home. Because his food sucked? Because they think he's incapable of working well in a team? Because they're upset gentle flower Zoi went, and he was the only other option? No, it's because he's such an awesome chef, they're all threatened by him. I guess he's hoping we won't notice that in five episodes, he's been in the bottom of either the Quickfire or the Elimination Challenge in four of them. Woo, what talent! Jennifer is still upset over Zoi's elimination, and she interviews in a cracking voice that now she wants to win for both of them. OK, Zoi's not dead, is she? Ryan hopes the fighting people will be off their game, giving him an advantage. Dale offers an insincere apology to Lisa for yelling at her. It's one of those "Sorry if you got offended when I pointed out that you're a bitch" kind of non-apologies, and Lisa sees right through it. She agrees to a truce, but still emphatically hates Dale's guts.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and a long row of pitchers, all filled with beer. Mmmmm. OK, "mmmmm" to me because I'm typing this after a grueling game of softball. I doubt I'd be as happy to see pitchers of beer first thing in the morning. Padma, who judging by her outfit is on her way to audition for Fame later, introduces the Quickfire guest judge, Koren Grieveson. She's the head chef at a local restaurant. Padma tells the chefs that this round is all about simple pleasures. The Quickfire Challenge will be to taste three of the beers, pick one, then make a dish to pair with it. Chefs draw knives to determine the order in which they'll choose beer. Most of them seem fairly unsure about what to do. Lisa's psyched, as she enjoys cooking with beer and says she knows what goes with it. Jennifer gets Land Shark, and is happy, comparing her faux-hawk to a shark fin. Once everyone gets their beer, Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown.

There's a run on the refrigerator. Richard interviews that his strategy is to listen carefully to whatever the challenge's buzzword is. That sounds so obvious, but it's surprising how often chefs will be all "The challenge is to make something you can eat with your hands, but I felt strongly that I should whip together some gazpacho". Antonia interviews that it can be difficult to make simple dishes, as the line between "simple" and "dumbed down" can be a hard one to identify. Dale has an idea to combine pretzels, cheese, and pork, which is smart. His surprise that throwing pretzels into a food processor creates pretzel dust is not. Jennifer is totally fired-up, because she's doing this for Zoi. Just in case you've forgotten during the past two minutes. Time runs out.

Padma and Koren go down the line. Let's not worry about who got what beer; it really doesn't matter. Richard has made a grilled tuna sandwich with pickled vegetables. Sounds good to me. Andrew has rainbow trout with greens and peaches, and put it onto a raspberry gastrique. Koren says it needs more acid. Dale has made pan-roasted pork tenderloin with a miso caramel sauce and topped it with pretzel dust. He knows this isn't his best work, interviewing that he's hoping not to be called out in the bottom three. Antonia has made miso-glazed cod with some cabbage. Nikki's not a big beer drinker, but assumed that fried food was the way to go. She's made some fried, citrus-marinated shrimp and put them on a lettuce bed. There's an Asian coleslaw on the side that looks rather dry. Stephanie has steamed mussels and put a cilantro vinaigrette on them. There's also a side of grilled bread. I loves me some mussels. Good ones are tough to get in the Midwest.

Mark has made a juniper-spiced rack of lamb with honey beer sauce. Koren can't taste the beer, but likes the overall flavor. Ryan has deglazed his beer to put onto lamb. Spike has put together a charcuterie plate with a bowl of clams. Oh, it's like a Farmer's Platter. And I can get a better-looking one two blocks from here. Koren isn't blown away, which of course is because she "doesn't get it". It must be nice to be able to rationalize away your flaws so easily. Lisa says she wanted to keep things simple, so she made a bacon cheeseburger and potato chips. Wonderful things, both, though I think she took the "simple" instruction too far. Jennifer got an island vibe from her beer, so she opted for French Caribbean style, making shrimp and scallop beignets with fennel, avocado, and pepper purees. They look good. Padma is impressed that the beignets haven't gotten greasy or heavy, even after sitting while the other competitors were judged. Jennifer is tired of placing in the middle, and hopes she can finally win something.

Results. Bottom three first. One is Nikki, whose shrimp were too breaded and underseasoned. Geez, with the underseasoning this season. Spike's two components didn't relate to one another. Dale's wasn't moist enough. Lisa is vindictively pleased. Now, to the top three. Richard's sandwich flavors were bold and great. Stephanie's mussels were good, and paired with the beer well. Finally, Jennifer's beignets had great acidity and flavor. Padma asks who Koren has chosen as the winner, and she selects Jennifer, who pulls down immunity. Spike interviews that it must feel nice for her, after Zoi got eliminated. Jennifer agrees that this is a completely turnaround from her depression and frustration yesterday.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking for a tailgating party for the upcoming Bears game. The chefs applaud, hoping that this challenge will be more laid-back. Dale is a native and a sports fan, so he's jazzed. Mark snaps that he didn't come here to watch football, he came to cook. Does he think he's attending the game? Padma explains that the sports fans will be filling out opinion cards, and it is those cards that will determine the top and bottom three chefs. From there, the judges will pick a winner and a loser. There will be two hours of prep work before heading for the game. Jennifer gives the Standard Speech, augmenting it by saying that she's doing this for Zoi.

Panny: "Jesus, we GET IT already."

Commercials. I'm a bit curious to see what that Bud Light with Lime tastes like. It may be the grossest swill ever, but every time I see this ad, I get the urge.

Spike recaps the challenge. I guess the thirty minutes of shopping time starts the minute the cars shift to park, as the chefs run at top speed into the store. They immediately attack the meat counter. Spike requests a load of chicken wings, smarmerviewing that he beat out the other chefs. Dale, indeed, is bummed that he missed out on the wings, and changes his idea to ribs. Richard gives the seasonal grump we must always endure about how he cooks refined food, so this challenge doesn't reflect his style at all. He settles on a pate melt, going for a pun that my dad would heartily enjoy. I just realized that Richard kind of looks like a guy I used to date. Freaky. Nikki wants to make sausage and pepper hero sandwiches, which is a great idea. Wearing her sunglasses inside? Not as great an idea. It's an inexplicable peeve of mine. Nikki also buys some shrimp, in case the sports fans don't eat sausage. Fat chance. Mark, almost comatose in his interview, says that he can't make shrimp-on-the-barbie because everyone else got to the shrimp first. He opts for chicken skewers and chowder instead. Ryan tosses pears into a bag. He dismissively interviews that he's not a big sports fan, rhetorically asking if he looks like one. Um, yes. Yes, he does.

Beebers: "He totally looks like one of those fratty sports guys."

Just as I wonder what Ryan does with all of his time if he's not into sports or movies, he answers me by telling us that he's a metrosexual who likes to spend money on clothes, and go out dancing. He must be a stunning conversationalist. He's going to stick to his California style cuisine. Man, this season needs a subtitle: Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their two hours of prep time. Antonia is excited, because they'll get to be cooking outdoors and barbecuing. Sure, when else will they ever get a chance to do that? Andrew doesn't have any tailgating experience, but works on honey mustard shrimp with bacon and apple chutney, so his educated guess is pretty spot-on. Stephanie is making pork tenderloin and a salad with potato (as opposed to potato salad) with rosemary vinaigrette. Rut roh. She's lucky the sports fans are choosing the top three, because we all know how Gail feels about rosemary. Spike frantically sauces his chicken wings, and is far too impressed with himself for doing so. He's increasingly starting to get on my nerves. Jennifer interviews that her dad is a huge football fan, so she was always surrounded by it as she grew up. She's working on a Greek dish as a tribute to Zoi. AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Enough about Zoi, for fuck's sake! She was deservedly eliminated from a reality cooking show, not executed by the PLO. Anyway, it's tzatziki, souvlaki, and such.

Some of Ryan's ingredients have been flung up onto his face. He appears not to notice. He's going to make bread salad, marinates some chicken thighs, wants to make poached pears for dessert, and works on a chili-spiked cocoa as well. So, a four-course meal, little of which can be eaten by hand, for a tailgating party. Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Richard inwardly rolls his eyes at this, interviewing that he's keeping it simple. Lisa works on a thick skirt steak, knowing that they're chewy and will take forever on the grill. She makes them as thin as possible by pounding on them with a rolling pin, which she calls "beating [her] meat". Huh. When I refer to meat-beating, rolling pins are almost never involved. Mark turns a blender on, but the lid's not on tight, and liquid flies everywhere. He seems unusually flustered this week.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. We learn that Jennifer still has immunity. Antonia is working on a Jamaican jerk chicken sandwich to appeal to fatass men who drink a lot of beer, Dale is still a sports fan, and Ryan is making poached pears because they're light, simple, and clean.

Tiffany: "Yes, that's just what sports fans worry most about as they pig out before a game: their health."

Ptom wanders out. Thanks once again for that invaluable contribution, Ptom. Ryan worries about time management, and the refrigerators are rapidly packed with food. The editors work hard to make us seize in dramatic suspense over the full refrigerators, but can't quite get there. Time runs out, and the chefs leave for the day. Back at the house, wine is broken out immediately, and people kick back. Having a non-team Elimination Challenge makes everyone more at ease. Spike and Mark relax in the bubble bath with their wine. They still have their shorts on, and sit three feet apart, but the pseudo-porny music would like you to think that this is super-nasty. And once again, Spike is mightily impressed with himself for doing something soooooooo naughty. Please, I've seen episodes of Sesame Street that were more homoerotic than this.

Commercials. Wow, so the only peep I hear from Jeffrey since his win (and the *shiver* Bratz movie) is a cheesy commercial about a third-rate award show? While Laura can't keep clothes on the shelves? Ah, it feels good to be right.

Tailgating party. A drumline comes through, led by a bear mascot. The chefs hurry to their grills with their coolers, while Bears fans wait impatiently. The chefs have another hour to put their food together, and get a choice between a modern gas grill and a charcoal one. Mark is the only one to choose charcoal. Everyone hurriedly works on their food and tends to their cooking meats. The judges stride up in matching Bears jerseys. Padma and Ptom are there, of course, along with Gail and guest judge Paul Kahan, who owns the restaurant that Koren works at. I guess she's not important enough to tackle this challenge. The crowd begins to stream in. Stephanie enjoys cooking for the masses, rather than just four nitpicky people. She serves her pork tenderloin, with bacon/tomato/pear salad and the rosemary vinaigrette. The judges and the fans all seem to enjoy it. A jolly man happily tells us that everything's better with bacon. I agree, jolly man.

Dale spots Gale Sayers, Richard Dent, and William "The Refrigerator" Perry (all Bears alumni), and is thrilled to be serving ribs to them. He tells them what an honor it is. Refrigerator just wants his ribs. Heh. When it's safe, the judges approach. Dale's ribs are marinated in tandoori, and is served with potato salad with raisins and mango. Again, they are enjoyed by judge and fan alike. Spike tries to charm the crowd, but loses them when he asks when the last time the Bears won a Super Bowl was. Poor Chicago sports fans. They must be constantly disappointed. Spike's wings are "fire spiced", whatever that means, and are served with jicama/pineapple slaw with lime dressing. Enjoyed by all! Some guy is wearing a purple jersey. I guess the Bears are playing the Vikings today. Antonia's jerk chicken sandwich has grilled banana and pineapple on the side. Yum. The judges like it, though they think the banana and pineapple should have gone on the sandwich itself. The fans aren't as picky, and love it.

Ryan has so many components, he's overwhelmed, and has to recruit fans from the crowd to help him serve. He schmoozes the fans well, which Stephanie tartly notes. Ryan hands the judges his bread salad. And marinated chicken. And poached pears. And brandy cocoa. He interviews that he thinks he's got a winner, because it's not typical tailgating food. I'll say. Although one fan really likes it, the others are predictably not floored by complicated food they practically need a full place setting to eat. Andrew wears a football helmet. He should probably do that every day. He makes fun of Gail's voice, which was actually pretty funny. He's serving glazed shrimp, and a potato parsnip puree with apple chutney. The plate is messy and unappetizing.

Kender: "That looks disgusting. And I like everything in it."

He spazzes some more as he serves, and Gail calls him a "trip" (read: psycho). His food is received fairly well, though not with the enthusiasm that some earlier chefs got. Nikki serves her sausage and pepper hero sandwiches with a choice of hot sauce or homemade cocktail sauce. She has issues with portion size. Lisa serves skirt steak with salsa verde and a corn cake that makes me want to leap through the screen to get at. Jennifer serves her Greek platter, which includes harissa-marinated chicken and a quinoa tabouli. Oh, Harissa? That explains it all. I'm sorry, I had to go there! I understand that I must be punished, so I'll give myself one of these. Richard gives the judges his pate melt, which is made of pork and a little veal. He's also put a spicy mayonnaise and some pickled cucumber on it. Sounds good.

Mark continues to be a total mess as he serves his chowder to the judges. He's klutzy, disheveled, and disorganized, which doesn't seem typical of him at all. Something seems so off about him this week. He's made chicken and scallion skewers with a soy and onion glaze, and some New Zealand corn chowder. How does one go about skewering a scallion? Once the judges take their food and go, they discuss how much of a disaster Mark is today. The couple that didn't like Ryan's food doesn't like his either. Nikki burns through all her sausages and peppers before the judges get any. Whoops! She's embarrassed, and nervous about what the reaction will be now. I'm pretty forgiving of careless mistakes, and this one's no exception, especially since the fans are the ones deciding the top three. If they like it, it almost doesn't matter that the judges didn't get the full experience. Paul asks if she made the sausage, which she didn't. What did she do with her three hours? The judges discuss her various problems, but not before Gail is viciously attacked by a bug. Hehe.

Jennifer runs out of food. Richard Dent says that he liked Richard's burger the most, Gale liked Dale's ribs, and Refrigerator chooses both Lisa's steak and Dale's ribs as the best. Another random fan praises Stephanie's pork. Once the challenge is over, the chefs unwind by playing a little touch football. Mark and Nikki worry about their chances. Nikki hopes the fans' scorecards will carry her into the middle of the pack, because if not, she's in trouble.

Commercials. These phone-in poll questions get stupider every week.

The chefs come back to the Kitchen for their fret 'n' sweat. Padma comes in, and summons Antonia, Dale, and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Once they're in, Padma tells them that they've been voted the top three of the challenge. I'm surprised Antonia's here, as she's been almost ignored this episode. Ptom tells Stephanie that she's been at the winners' table a lot, which she is gratified by. If Ptom had one complaint, it's that the pork could have been seasoned a bit better. Gail was suspicious of the rosemary vinaigrette (see?), but it won her over. Antonia would have done better to include the grilled banana and pineapple in the actual sandwich, but all the flavors were good. Dale's ribs were extremely tasty. Paul gets to announce the winner, which is Dale, due to his complexity and depth of flavor. He wins a Bears jersey with "TOP CHEF" printed on the back and a new gas grill. Well, it's not a trip to Italy, but it's not bad at all. Padma asks him to send out the bottom three.

Dale's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. He tells Mark, Nikki, and Ryan that they're needed at the losers' table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Once out there, Ryan plants his hands on his hips, already pissed off. Padma tells them that they scored lowest with the crowd. Nikki talks about her portioning problem, but that doesn't explain why the fans didn't like her sandwiches. She's at a loss to explain that one. Ptom asks why she didn't make her own sausage, and she says it was a time issue, which I still doubt. Gail says that it just seemed like not a lot of care was put into the food, which is a good way of phrasing it. Paul wonders what the shrimp were doing there, and Nikki says she wanted to have something else to serve. Gail says that it led to a disconnection, and Paul says she could have served the sausage and shrimp together, which would have been an interesting spin.

Ryan is asked why he served a dessert, especially a dessert that doesn't have much to do with tailgating. He says he wanted to have a whole dining experience at his table. The judges don't take issue with that, but do have a problem with the dessert he chose, saying that there were other desserts that would have been more appropriate to the challenge. He shrugs that he served the food in the way he'd want to be served. Great idea, self-avowed sports hater. Gail says the bread salad was kind of dry, and Ryan non-sequiturs into a speech about how he connected with the crowd. He also talks about "California flair", and Ptom cuts through all of this by emphasizing what the challenge was about. Simple food, served to the masses, at a sporting event. Ryan ignored almost all of that, which he says is a fair point. Mark admits the chicken skewers were not up to par, but was happy with the chowder. Ptom says the chowder's flavor was fine, but that it was very coarse. Eeeew. Really, Mark's main problem was his sloppy presentation. Oh, and the fact that he tasted soup off a spoon, then plunged it right back into the soup. Egad. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Nikki is convinced she's getting chopped. Antonia sternly asks her if she fought for herself. Awkward silence.

Deliberations. Nikki should have made her own sausage, which is not difficult or time-consuming. Ryan didn't want to have anything to do with tailgating for the tailgating party, and his food wasn't good enough to compensate for that. Nikki and Stephanie gossip about how long-winded Ryan is, while Ryan is busy putting that skill to use. He lets out a stream of profanity, angry that completely blowing off both the week's theme and the challenge parameters has sunk him. Ptom reiterates that Mark's food was poor, his table was unsanitary, and he was just a general disaster. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Watch this other show, because someone goes on vacation...WITHOUT HER GIRLFRIEND! Dun dun duuuuuuuun!

Elimination. Nikki can't please a Chicago crowd with substandard sausage. Ryan's food was inappropriate, and even if it had been served in a fancy restaurant, it wasn't very good. Ouch! Mark needs to clean up his act. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the elimination, and although the Reality Show Magic 8 Ball reads "All signs point to Nikki," the judges actually manage to surprise us for once. Ryan. Please pack your knives and go. He thanks the judges for the opportunity, though he makes it clear that he doesn't think he deserves to be eliminated. Back in the Kitchen, he makes a speech about how cooking is humbling. The other chefs, particularly Lisa, look bored out of their gourds, but they give him hugs and good-bye applause. He's proud to have come so far with such talented chefs, and closes by saying that he cooks with his heart.

Tiffany: "How do you stir?"

Overall Grade: B