The Girl Who Deals With A Pervert

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Elyse and Adrianne entertained visitors. The girls entertained notions of Elyse having a movie-of-the-week eating disorder. Nobody was entertained by Giselle, though, so she was sent packing.

New York. The girls rehash the elimination as always. Adrianne and Elyse don't seem too broken up about Giselle being gone. Their only concern is that a member of the Coven will have to move into their room. I can understand their alarm. Religion divides the suite even more than it did before, which the show "subtly" informs us of by showing the Coven (and Kesse) quietly reading their Bibles as Adrianne and Elyse discuss their tits. Can you say "tits" on TV now? Huh. I wonder when that became OK. Kesse comes over to talk to them. She seems to be the one bridge between the girls. Aw.

Morning. The girls head to the Wilhelmina modeling agency. The guy who handles the women's division is named Pink. No, really. As with all "experts" on this show (except Miss J.), he gives watered down and sometimes bullshit advice. Apparently modeling is competitive. Who knew? He also describes what go-sees are, and gives some basic critiques of their portfolios. Then he breaks the news that the girls are headed to Paris. They freak out. He also informs them that they will only be allowed to take along one bag. There's a lingering shot on Robin. Yeah, no kidding, editors.

Hotel. The girls have three hours to pack and get to the airport. Elyse joyfully interviews over some very merry music that Robin is having trouble sticking to the "one bag" rule. I also tend to overpack, so I can't pick on Robin for this one. I like to have clothes appropriate for anything I might do while out of town, and this is when I'm going to freaking Kansas City, nevermind halfway across the world. Elyse, Robin, and Adrianne call their boyfriends to say goodbye, because it looks like they won't be able to call from France. Fucking Shannon is frustrated because she's never had a boyfriend or even a real date. I don't understand. Why aren't the guys lining up to go out with a raspy-voiced, big-toothed, moronic virgin who never does anything but sit in her room reading the Bible and lecturing others on the evils of homosexuality? Weird. "Please, Lord, send me a boyfriend," she wails like she's ordering a cheeseburger. She drools over a magazine foldout of a hunky, religious male model. We know he's religious because he lists his favorite book as The Bible. I want to know what magazine asks its models what their favorite book is like the public gives a rat's ass. The show's trying to be all sneaky about this guy, but it's awfully suspicious that he happens to show up in this episode. Whoops, is that a spoiler? No, because it was in last week's preview! Whatever, show. Adrianne interviews that she's happy about Paris, saying "This is definitely the best day of my life," in a tone of voice she'd use to confirm her 10AM dental appointment.

Heh. Cheesy accordion music plays over a shot of a cheesy cartoon map of a plane taking off from New York, and cheesy shots of the girls pasted in the windows with bobbling heads. That shot was so cheesy that I think I got my recommended daily allowance of calcium.

Paris. The girls have to give the address of their hotel to a driver who does not speak English, so of course this task falls to fucking Shannon, because she's so smart and sophisticated. Dumbasses. It's raining a bit, and I notice out of the corner of my eye that there's a motorist trying to dislodge a flyer stuck under their wipers by flicking them back and forth. Hee. The French are as lazy as we are. Kesse interviews that she loves Paris, and she really would like to escape the boredom of Arkansas. Understandable. Jeezum Crow, Adrianne is wearing the camouflage bandana again. Give it a rest, lady. Robin expected to see "people on boats with violins". Huh? Does she think she's in Venice? And even if she did....huh? Elyse's uncle lives in Paris, so she's been here before, and likes the city. The entire point of this scene? Paris is pretty.

The owner of the hotel they're staying at welcomes them when they arrive. He seems really friendly and likable, which is why it's such a shame that his establishment seems like kind of a craphole. The girls have to drag their luggage up several flights of stairs, and when they get to their room (singular), they are horrified to find that it's a tiny little space with three beds. No phone. No TV. Itty bitty bathroom. Even I'm cringing at how little room there is, and I can fall asleep face down on a hardwood floor. Elyse immediately suggests they draw names for the beds, because she knows if she doesn't, people will claim them. Smart girl. Name drawing commences. Kesse picks her own name and says "moi", and fucking Shannon has no idea what she's talking about. She's actually looking around the room for a girl named Moi. The producers practice some voodoo behind the scenes to make sure that Robin is the unlucky one chosen to sleep on the floor. Kesse, always the kind one, offers to share her bed, but Robin says that she can handle an air mattress. I have to say she was much more gracious about sleeping on the floor than I expected her to be.

Evening. The girls go out to hit the town. There's a completely pointless scene in which Robin and Shannon get sketched by a street artist who offers to marry Robin. They're grossed out. The girls have to change for dinner, and some of them pack themselves like sardines into the bathroom. Adrianne snots that she has no problem changing in front of the other girls, and infers that the others think that changing in front of other women makes you a big ol' dyke. Well, I don't have a problem changing in front of others either, but I might be a touch more reluctant if cameras were taping my every move. I like you, Adrianne, but get over yourself. She puts herself back into my good graces by joking around with Elyse about how to talk about her "cooch" in French. Robin shoots her a death glare, and schoolmarms in an interview about how she "doesn't want to hear that". Hmm, I don't remember you being so respectful of what people want to hear when you used the Bible to openly call Elyse an idiot back in Episode 2, Robin, so how about shutting the fuck up? Adrianne, of course, doesn't give a shit what Robin thinks.

Tyra meets the girls for dinner, and actually looks really pretty. She sometimes comes off as kind of plastic and artificial-looking to me, but she seems naturally beautiful in this shot. Adrianne looks really nice too. I like her in glasses. Kesse interviews again about how she longs to break free from her drudge of a life, saying "I want this really bad." Uh, oh. I've watched enough reality TV to know that Kesse is not long for this world. When the girls get back to the hotel, they discover Tyra Mail about a photo shoot in the morning. Everyone's exhausted, and as people try to catch some sleep, Robin starts blow-drying her hair. I wonder what it's like to be that blissfully hypocritical. She doesn't like Adrianne's language, but has no problem doing something that incredibly rude? Elyse agrees with me, as usual. Call me, Elyse!

Morning. Ugly hotel room, but with a nice view of the Eiffel Tower. The girls arrive at the photo shoot, and learn that it's for Wonderbra, so they'll be in their underwear. Fucking Shannon doesn't want to show off her body to a bunch of strangers. Well, it's a good thing she's not trying to break into a career that involves people taking pictures of her in varying states of undress, isn't it? Adrianne interviews that Shannon is completely sheltered. She's never masturbated. She's never watched a porn. While I wouldn't exactly decide someone's sheltered based on those two criteria, I can see where she's coming from. Orange Jay asks fucking Shannon about her opinion of masturbation as a general practice, and my eardrums commit suicide in protest. I'm just gonna pop over to the emergency room real quick.

OK, I'm back from surgery. My new eardrums are working pretty well. So long as I never have to associate Orange Jay with masturbation ever again. The photographer introduces the girls to the male model who will be posing with them, and surprise! It's Brad, the model that fucking Shannon luuuuurves. Fucking Shannon starts screeching "OH MY WORD!!!!" at the top of her lungs, like, back off, Annie Wilkes. When are you going to break Brad's kneecaps with a sledgehammer? "Are you the model?" she asks stupidly. No, Shannon. He just hangs out in random French hotel rooms in his underwear. "I believe so, yes," he replies, because he can't say "Are you fucking retarded?" The shoot begins. Fucking Shannon does look pretty good. I should point out that she's pressing her chest to his back, so you can't see her bra at all, which is the entire point of the shoot. Not that the photographer, the judges, or anyone else will notice this. Elyse looks phenomenal. Kesse looks scared to death. Adrianne plays with her boobs before her session. Keep it coming, editors. That never stops being funny. Her shot isn't great, and again, we can't see the bra. Robin's sucks too (though I'd say her underwear set suits her very well), and she blah blah blahs about nothing because she's in love with the sound of her own voice.

After the shoot, Brad invites the girls out to dinner with him, because the producers forced him at gunpoint to do so. He's not even out the door before fucking Shannon starts squealing with joy. What a freakshow. We cut to that evening at dinner. Brad seems very polite and cute. Robin intentionally draws Brad out into saying that he likes the Bible so that he and fucking Shannon will have something to talk about. Aww. That was actually really sweet. More Nice Robin, please. When asked for another book he enjoys, he can't come up with another title. OK, I'm over him. Of course he can't come up with another book, because overly religious people don't feel the need to expand their minds beyond their own narrow set of rules and regulations. That's what makes them such dangerous people. They willfully keep themselves in a constant state of ignorance so they can make all their decisions easily, pass moral judgement on others, and just claim it's God's will when called on any of their bullshit. Wow, where did that tangent come from? Anyway, there's this show about models and stuff. Let's talk about that. Robin pushes fucking Shannon into going out with Brad after dinner. Again, awwww. There's some slow fades and romantic music to make it look like they have a very nice evening, but I suspect that Brad thinks fucking Shannon is as crazy as I do.

When the girls return to the hotel, they get some Tyra Mail that informs them that there will an elimination the next day after some go-sees. The next day, they head to the Marilyn modeling agency. They meet Marilyn, who immediately hands them off to her assistant, Emma. Emma gives them directions to the go-sees that are horrifically complicated. The girls look totally lost and for once, I can't blame them. They have five go-sees to....go see, and they're on a strict schedule. They head out and split up. Robin would rather take a cab than the metro. We're meant to think that she's really spoiled for thinking this, but maybe she just watches The Amazing Race, too. Cabs are faster and more direct. The girls wander. Elyse gets directions from a cute guy on the subway. Robin recruits a Fern. OK, she totally watches The Amazing Race. Fucking Shannon gets to go-see #1, and starts talking really loudly to the woman sitting 20 inches away from her. No, louder than that. So loud that I thought something was wrong with my TV until the woman physically shushes her, and even gives her the open palms of "Back off, weirdo."

Kesse is totally lost. She tries to get directions, and gets suckered into visiting a shop instead. Adrianne is hopping over a subway turnstile. Kesse is sampling various moisturizers. Really. Given a task with a time limit and confounding directions, Kesse is spending time comparing skin creams. Elyse is up to go-see #3 before Kesse even hits #1. Sigh. Have fun in Arkansas, sweetie. Robin is at go-see #2. Adrianne is so very lost, and is standing around aimlessly, when some gross old guy tries to feel up her skirt. Right there in front of the cameras! Ew. She feels dirty, and is kind of stymied by it. That's pretty much it for that incident. I expected the show to make a much bigger deal out of that. Turns out that go-see #5 is actually the elimination ceremony. Elyse gets there first. Then Robin, who gives her Fern some money in gratitude. He seems pleased. Kesse arrives, not having gotten to all of her appointments because she was too busy buying Oil of Olay or whatever. Adrianne and fucking Shannon seem to arrive at the same time. Upon hearing that this is the elimination, Robin babbles some more about how since she believes in God, she's never nervous. Or something. Yeah, it made no sense. Adrianne and Elyse promise each other that they'll pretend to miss the other if she's eliminated. Ha! I want to hang out with them. As long as Adrianne doesn't talk much.

Elimination. The girls enter the Chamber of Doom (or I guess the Chambre de Peril in this case). Tyra introduces the judges, as usual. Beau! Shave! Gah! He's so schlubby. The guest judge is Marilyn, who spent all of fifteen seconds with the girls, so whatever. Elyse was popular with the clients (at the go-sees). Plus, her photo is really great. Hooray for Elyse. Fucking Shannon made it to all her go-sees, but was described as being too safe. Something about how being blandly blond and pretty isn't what French people are looking for. The judges love her shot. I don't like it as much, but I do have to admit it's better than her other ones have been. Adrianne missed one of her go-sees, plus the clients felt she was "low fashion" and could only model jeans. On the one hand, that's true, and on the other, so what? I think that more people buy their clothes at Target than French boutiques, so shut up, clients. Kesse also missed one of her go-sees, and says it's because she "lost track of time". That's one way to put it. The clients described her as "not right for fashion". What does that even mean? These clients sound like assholes. Her photo is OK, but she looks really nervous, as she has in many shots. Robin hit all her go-sees, but the judges don't like that she hired a guide, because they were robbed of scenes of her wandering lost around the streets of Paris. I don't blame her one bit, and I am not a Robin fan. Her shot sucks. She looks really pissed off at Brad, which the judges note. Ironically, her shot is the best one for showing off the bra, but nobody seems to care about that.

Deliberations. Everyone hates Robin for the wrong reasons. They say she's old, fat, and they don't like that she had help finding places she's unfamiliar with. Shut up, judges. Adrianne was really disappointing this week. They love fucking Shannon. Bleh. They really love Elyse. Yay! Keese was unimpressive.

Elimination. Elyse is safe. Fucking Shannon. Tyra rips her for being too pretty by American standards, as if she could do anything about that. Tyra says that she wants the winner to take not just the country, but the world by storm. OK, first of all...not. Secondly, Tyra, how about you take a quick peek at the NAME OF YOUR FUCKING SHOW? Stop making me defend Robin and fucking Shannon. It makes me feel all dirty. Speaking of Robin, she's safe too. Would Kesse and Adrianne please step forward? Kesse is pretty, but lacks fire. Adrianne has a "shell". Nice to see that the bullshit the judges piled on Naima was alive and well in Cycle 1. Adrianne has a lot of built up goodwill, though, so it will be Kesse going home. Awww. I have to say, I really like Kesse, but I think that was the right choice. Well, the right choice between these two, because obviously fucking Shannon should have gone home about 4 weeks ago. Kesse always looked a little ill at ease in front of the camera. Still, this was a hard one for the judges, and this is clearly the first girl to go home that the others will miss. Everyone's crying and hugging. Kesse tells them she loves them and wishes them luck. Adrianne's makeup is a mess from her tears. Oh.....bye, Kesse. If you'll excuse me, I've got something in my eye.

"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: With the only unconditionally sweet competitor gone, the rift widens between the Christians and the "pagans". Um, thanks for assigning that label to everyone who doesn't blindly follow Christ, Tyra. The girls meet French boys. A nude photo shoot sends Robin over the edge. It looks like she refuses to do it. You go, girl! Stick to your principles! Maybe it'll mean we can finally get rid of your obnoxious ass.

Overall Grade: C

The Girl Everyone Thinks Is Killing Herself

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Ebony and Giselle fought like two really irritating chicks who fight all the time. Hmm, I need to work on my similes. I joined the rest of the free world in liking Adrianne. Elyse didn't eat much, Giselle had no-self confidence, and Ebony was eliminated, leaving nothing behind but giant grease smears on the doorknobs. Who will be eliminated next? I have to say that I like that someone goes every time, and I don't have to worry about non-elimination points like on The Amazing Race. Nothing would be worse than to see fucking Shannon not receive a photo, but be allowed to continue on.

New York. Giselle interviews that she wants to build more self-confidence. Won't Giselle with a bigger ego be loads of fun? I know I think so! The girls go over to Orange Jay's "house". I don't know why I don't believe that he lives there, but I don't. Elyse interviews that she really likes Orange Jay, and my respect for her drops about 20%, although she says it's because he's a really good makeup artist, which is sort of true, so I'll give her 5% back. There are some other guests, including Tyra and her assistant, Ty. Snerk. I guess that makes remembering his name easier. The girls cook for everyone else. They look like they're having a great time, until...DUN DUN DUN! Cue dramatic music. The girls start to speculate on whether Elyse has an eating disorder, because she apparently said that she cleaned her plate because Tyra was there. Mind you, we the audience never hear Elyse confirm or deny this, and I'm sure not willing to take fucking Shannon's word for anything. Adrianne interviews that Elyse isn't fooling anybody. Elyse interviews that she is not anorexic (or bulimic), and she's really frustrated with everyone for assuming so. The entire point of the dinner scene? Elyse is skinny. Thanks, show.

Tyra Mail. The girls will receive publicity training the next day. Giselle talks about how well she gets along with her roommates, Adrianne and Elyse. I'm sure they feel the same way about her, right? Adrianne says that though the judges feel Giselle has no confidence, she thinks that Giselle is self-deprecating because she's fishing for compliments. Hah! She's got Giselle so pegged. We see a series of flashbacks wherein Giselle does exactly that. Even worse, when Nicole feeds into it, and does exactly what she's supposed to (i.e.: tells Giselle that her photo is fine), Giselle sneers at her "don't do that", as if she wanted Nicole to be like "You're right, you look like shit". HAAAAAAAAAAATE. God, at least Ebony was openly aggressive. This shit where Giselle pretends to be a wounded little lamb, but won't admit it, and won't even accept the compliments she's fishing for? She's such an idiot. Then there's this weird little scene in which Adrianne "jokingly" plots Giselle's death. Huh? Whatever.

Morning. Tyra introduces Cindi, her publicist. She's there to talk to the girls about reporters and interviews, and this will be the first example this episode of an "expert" giving some very shady advice to the girls in what is supposed to be their field of expertise. Cindi tells the girls to always be open and honest about everything, because the public is very forgiving of mistakes. Um. Has Cindi met the public? Plus, "open and honest" about everything? This woman is full of crap. The girls have a fake interview with Cindi in which they're supposed to reveal how they dealt with an embarrassing situation. So bringing Cindi in is just a scam to have the girls talk shit about themselves. Got it. Elyse kind of hopes aloud that they'll be getting pizza that night, and Robin says something like "well, it's not like you'd eat any of it". So we've progressed from the "backstabbing gossip" phase to the "openly bitchy comments disguised as a caring intervention" phase. This is why having straight male friends comes in handy. Elyse uses her talk with Cindi as kind of faux-therapy, thinking that her supposed eating disorder is being used as some kind of "subplot". She's a smart one.

Later. Elyse calls her mom to rant. She breaks down into hysterical sobs. I feel really bad for her. Elyse hates everyone else, but especially Giselle. She doesn't want to alienate her, though, because Giselle has the only straightening iron in the household. Heh. Looks like my respect for her is back up to 100%. We can see exactly why Elyse hates Giselle so much when we're dropped into a scene that has Giselle talking to Elyse in a sensitive best friend voice so phony that an infant could pick up on it. Elyse's eyes could power New York for a year, they're rolling so hard. In an interview, Elyse brags some more about being smarter than the other girls, particularly when it comes to eating disorders. I'll let it go this time, because even though it makes Elyse sound like a tool when she does this, it couldn't be more obvious that the other girls learned everything they know about eating disorders from reading Vogue. Elyse pledges to hang in there.

Tyra Mail. It's time for the "chat with Tyra" part of the show. Man, I hate this segment. She's either their judge or their friend. She needs to stop trying to be both. In a nice throwback to last week, Adrianne plays with Elyse's boobs some more. Man, I never get tired of that. Giselle tells Tyra that her entire family hates her. Join the club, Giselle's family. Kesse has a strained relationship with her mother. Robin's not ashamed of her curves. Well, she shouldn't be. She should be ashamed of her personality. Elyse. She keeps a lid on how angry she is about the other girls' rumor-mongering, but uses the confessional to make fun of Giselle some more. Awesome.

Morning. The girls meet Steve, a "top journalist". As with Cindi, he gives the girls some very shifty information, such as the public wants to see openness and vulnerability. "The days of canned interviews are over." Riiiiiiight. Pick up an Entertainment Weekly sometime, jackass. Steve will be conducting interviews in a horse-drawn carriage. The two winners (by which he means the one winner and the girl she chooses) will have a loved one flown in to see them. Elyse and Giselle would love to have their boyfriends visit, while Adrianne wants to bring her mom. Awwwww. The interviews commence, and they go pretty much how you'd expect. Robin pretends to be perfect (because Christ made her that way, of course). Fucking Shannon proudly brays about never smoking, drinking, or having sex. Yeah, she's all kinds of fascinating. Adrianne's a tomboy. Kesse is really sweet and appealing and not very dramatic, so of course she gets almost no screen time. Giselle is boring. Elyse rips on the other girls, which she knows she's not supposed to do, but can't seem to help. Steve makes his announcement of the winner, Elyse, saying she did everything wrong, but made it work for her. Way to admit your advice is completely useless, dude. He does get a point for saying that the girls who wear their religion on their sleeve come off as one-dimensional. Fucking Shannon looks like he's punched her right in the slack jaw. Asked to choose another girl to share in the reward, Elyse picks Adrianne (which is sweet, and may have been sweeter had we not seen Elyse call Adrianne "the worst listener ever" during her carriage ride). Adrianne is weepingly happy that her mom gets to come for a visit.

Evening. There is Tyra Mail announcing there will be a photo shoot the next day. Elyse is a little nervous, because she doesn't want her boyfriend to see her like this. I assume "this" means "a nervous, bitchy wreck because a lot of gossiping ho-bags are dissecting her life". Giselle wonders aloud how one builds confidence. Elyse: "You...get out of puberty." HAHAHAHA!! Elyse's open contempt for Giselle is the best thing ever. The next morning, Jon wakes them up to go for a swim. Elyse loves swimming, and has enough energy that Jon declares that it's damn near impossible that she has an eating disorder. Not that I care what Jon thinks about anything, but I assume he'd know better than Robin.

The photo shoot is a Reebok ad. The girls will have to model dance while posing with a football player named Quentin (or Clinton). Nobody's pronouncing his name very clearly, and he's not granted the dignity of a name subtitle like everyone else has had on this show. Burn! I don't care enough to look it up. The photographer does have a name subtitle. Hi, Daniel. The girls will be dressed like slutty cheerleaders. They all look pretty ridiculous. Elyse's boyfriend (Martin) and Adrianne's mom (uh...Adrianne's mom) show up during the shoot. Martin is so not cute that he's cute. I like him instantly. Adrianne's mom is cute, too (albeit in a completely different way). Elyse doesn't want Martin to watch her model, but of course he sneaks a peek. Later, at home, Adrianne and her mom are in the confessional together. Adrianne says "It kicks ass to have her here. Like, a lot of ass." That is so sweet. I'd love for someone to say that about me. Everyone settles down for dinner, and Robin stays in her room, rudely ignoring Martin and Adrianne's mom. Now, Martin and Elyse are in the confessional together, and he's obviously amused by the gossip about her supposed eating disorder because he knows it's patently untrue. Elimination looms. Adrianne refers to the Tyra Mail as "our doom." Hey, has she been retroactively reading these? If so...Hi, time traveling Adrianne! She has a lot more drive now that her mom has visited. Elyse and Martin make out a lot before he leaves. It's not like I wouldn't do the same thing if my boyfriend visited, but we get it, show. Enough.

Chamber of Doom. Steve is the guest judge, and the final challenge will be two "interview" questions. "Why do you think you should win America's Next Top Model?" and "Who should be eliminated tonight?" Robin thinks she should win because she wants power and influence. I guess she's too busy loving Jesus to actually listen to the question. Elyse wants to be an example of a model who's not a complete dumbass. Giselle thinks she has personality. Oh, she's got one all right. Too bad it's so crappy. Adrianne thinks she'll supply "spice", whatever that means. Fucking Shannon believes she'll be able to resist the temptations of the modeling world. Um. "I believe I should win this competition because if I do, I won't do the things that a lot of other models do that I've never done." My newt is smarter than fucking Shannon. Kesse's dream is to model, and she thinks she deserves to be happy. That's nice and all, but again, that doesn't really answer the question. Like, half of these girls answered "why should you win?" with "because I want to". Sad.

Now, who should get eliminated? Robin, and this is classic: "Whoever God puts into your heart to eliminate." Forget wars and famine. Forget disease and crime. Forget loneliness and love. What does God really care about? Who gets eliminated on a stupid reality show on UPN. Fuck off, Robin. To their credit, the judges look at her like she just regurgitated a live owl. Elyse chooses Robin, because her religion would be an obstacle to her success. Adrianne makes a similar choice, saying that either Robin or fucking Shannon should go because their blind devotion makes them crappy people. That's not what she says, of course, but it's what she means. Both fucking Shannon and Kesse choose Elyse because of her non-existent eating disorder. Oh, this saddens me: shut up, Kesse. Giselle wusses out and doesn't choose anyone.

It's time to look at the photos. Robin looks meh. The judges seem to like it, though. Elyse looks fantastic. Adrianne is also meh, but I think the blame lays squarely with whoever decided to give her '90s frizz hair. Fucking Shannon sucks rocks, though the blinding glare off her monstrous teeth convinces the judges otherwise. Giselle doesn't have a bad pose, but I think her face is kind of dead. Kesse looks super cute, but Janice doesn't agree. She says that Kesse's arms and legs are "amputeed", by which I assume she means "amputated". Also, how on Earth is the fact that her arms and legs aren't showing in the photo her fault? Yell at the photographer, Janice, not Kesse. Janice also says it looks in the photo like Kesse has a penis, which....yeah, it kinda does.

Deliberations. Janice hates Robin because she's too old and too fat. Tyra has a tantrum, blaming judges like Janice for the fact that so many young women have body issues. I mean, she's right, but it's not like Tyra doesn't promote them herself, just by producing this show, so she can pack that attitude away. Everyone thinks fucking Shannon has a shit personality, but great photos. Sigh. Everyone's still in love with Adrianne, and thinks that Kesse has grown a great deal. Giselle still has no confidence. Kimora doesn't like Elyse because of the eating disorder thing. Janice pseudo-wins my respect by pointing out that that's entirely hearsay, but I'm sure she's really saying that because she likes girls who are rail-thin, anorexic or not.

Elimination. Adrianne is safe. Kesse. Fucking Shannon. Robin. Would Elyse and Giselle please step forward? OK, there is zero suspense with this pair. They should have had the final two be Giselle and Robin. Elyse, stop lording your brains over other people (it's nice that the weight thing wasn't mentioned here). Giselle, you've claimed to be more of a dancer than a model. Tyra agrees, and Giselle is out. Yes! In a hysterically ironic exit interview, Giselle says that Britney Spears lost on Star Search and look at her now. I mean, I know Giselle had no way of knowing that Britney would wind up careerless, squeezing a bag of Cheetos and having a pimp wedding to a white trash loser who left a pregnant girlfriend to be with a skuzzy whore whose latest story is that she wanders around gas station restrooms barefoot. Still, that really suits Giselle, doesn't it? Giselle doesn't consider herself a loser. Well, that makes one of the two of us. And saddest of all, she chooses her final line to reiterate how her mother has no respect for her. It's easy to see how she turned out the way she did. Feh.

"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: The girls jet off to Paris. Cramped quarters lead to bitchery. Some unexpected news makes fucking Shannon scream like a dying wildebeest. Fucking Shannon.

Overall Grade: B-

The Girl Who Drives Everyone Crazy

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 4

Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls bitched and moaned about having their hair cut and dyed, while Adrianne did not bitch and moan, even after getting food poisoning. Ebony had crater-face, but that wasn't even close to the sin Nicole committed by not kissing Orange Jay's ass, and she was sent home. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

New York. Jon, the personal trainer, wakes everyone up. They're grumpy. Adrianne checks her watch. She wears her watch to bed? Weirdo. Giselle, you'll be shocked to learn, is grousing about the judges' critiques at the last elimination. Seeing as how the judges loved her photo, she has absolutely no reason to be all pissy, but Giselle's not happy unless she has something to whine about. In fact, I had to write "Giselle is pissy" so many times, I've decided to replace all my "Giselle is pissy" comments with Giselle doing something really nice. That ought to cheer me up. The girls go to the hotel gym and exercise. Adrianne is still not feeling completely up to par, and looks like death warmed over. Later, Ebony interviews that since the judges' main concern was her skin texture, she's going to work really hard to fix that. Oh, Ebony. Your skin won't be their main concern for long. In all of her interviews this episode, Ebony is wearing light-colored contact lenses. They're extremely distracting, and not very attractive. Dark eyes are beautiful, Ebony! I'm so very sick of the entertainment industry's love affair with blue eyes. She begins rubbing herself down with an obscene amount of moisturizer. Giselle rescues a kitten from drowning while interviewing that Ebony is greasy and loud. What's funny is that in this candid shot of Ebony supposedly being all gross, she looks totally gorgeous.

Tyra Mail. The girls are shipped off to a studio theater. Tyra (wearing a really awesome green leather jacket) introduces them to Alice, an acting coach. I'm always suspicious of acting coaches. If they're so good at acting, why aren't they actors? Alice does nothing to shatter my preconceptions; her looks and personality are really very bland. Alice leads them through a bunch of theater exercises. Giselle (the dancer) flails wildly about, then slips, falls, and racks herself on the stage. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, hey, are you OK? Adrianne and Shannon stage fight. Kesse and Ebony stage...uh...argue. They seem very realistic. Who would've thunk that Ebony could portray an angry woman so well?

Evening. Since some space has opened up due to eliminations, the girls are consolidated so that they'll be more cramped and act like total bitches for the cameras. Evil genius. Robin is pleased that the Christian Coven has one side of the suite to themselves. She's also wearing annoying colored contact lenses. Giselle bakes cookies for orphans. Suddenly, Miss J shows up wearing a spectacular fur coat. Heh. He wants to give them a sort of impromptu walking test. Shannon is still working the nasty slack jaw, because she is the Missing Link. Miss J tries to guide Ebony by touching her shoulder and freaks out over how slippery she is from the moisturizer. Everyone cracks up but Giselle who is sulking in the background because nobody's paying attention to her, so she picks up all the litter in Central Park. Robin asks Miss J to be the celebrity judge for their booty-shakin'-dance contest. Cause he's all about the ladies, y'all. Elyse does not deign to participate, acting very above-it-all (read: girl can't dance). Kesse looks completely adorable and rocks the dancing, though I'm now much more intimately acquainted with her ass than I ever needed to be. Adrianne is a little peeved, thinking Kesse won the dance contest because she did the splits. Adrianne doesn't see what that has to do with booty-shakin' (read: girl can't dance). She and Elyse gossip that Giselle said she was going to confront Ebony about leaving her greasy mess all over the doorknobs, which is pretty gross, I'll admit. Elyse hopes she'll have a ringside seat to what she calls the Giselle Vs. Ebony Anti-Grease Showdown. Snerk.

Morning. Adrianne cleans up the suite, which is really messy (though it looks more untidy than dirty). She calls the Christian Coven on being holier-than-thou, but leaving a bunch of crap laying everywhere. Adrianne is starting to creep onto my good side. Ebony is greasing herself up some more, while Giselle lazes around. Alice comes over to administer their acting challenge, which is just cold-reading some retarded monologue about getting dumped. The reward will be a massage, manicure, and pedicure, and the winner will get to choose two friends to share in the reward. The others will have to scrub the suite from top to bottom. They begin. Giselle sucks, but she's the first to go, so all the other girls have a chance to study the lines and sound more convincing. Nobody's particularly doing very well, except Robin. She really sounds great. Unsurprisingly, she is declared the winner, and even less surprisingly, she chooses the other members of the Coven to share in the reward. Giselle donates one of her paychecks to AIDS research. Adrianne seems almost glad that the suite is going to get cleaned, because her place is spotless, which she's demonstrating by making sparkling clean "Bling!" noises. Heh. Stop making me like you, Adrianne! Giselle picks this time to ask Ebony to wash her hands after she moisturizes because it's getting all over everything. She actually puts it very politely, which I'm sure was a strain for her. Of course, this doesn't stop Ebony from looking totally shattered. Dude, just rinse your hands. It's not a big deal.

Evening. Robin, Shannon, and Kesse get their massages right there in the suite so the others have to clean while watching the Coven get pampered. Oh, that's cruel. I like it. Kesse actually feels bad about forcing the losers to watch her. She is such a sweetie. Giselle is lazy some more, hanging around on the couch instead of cleaning. She actually sneaks into the room where the challenge winners are getting massaged, and asks the masseuse to give her a quick, little rubdown after he's done. The guy fucking agrees! Boo. I actually wouldn't care so much if Giselle had done a lick of cleaning or if I liked her more. As it is....shut up, Giselle. Ebony, who's in the room polishing a mirror, says "You've got to be kidding me." Giselle confronts her, and Ebony, being Ebony, snaps. She takes the completely wrong tack, attacking Giselle for being immature and unpopular, both are which are true, and both of which are completely irrelevant to her slacking off to get a massage. Bring that up, Ebony! She doesn't, of course. Kesse's making a bed in the background, trying to stay out of it. Giselle puts quarters in everyone's parking meters. Ebony pitches a fit some more to the other girls, as if they cared. She harps on the fact that she is competitive AGAIN. In all the times she has claimed to be such a competitor, I have yet to hear what she's yelling about have a single thing to do with the actual competition. She's just using it as a defense to be an asshole, which is unacceptable. Giselle does everyone's laundry. Ebony interviews that Giselle takes everything personally. Yeah, Giselle. Why would you take being called lazy, immature, and unpopular personally? Shut up, Ebony.

Later. Ebony gathers the girls to ask if it would be all right if her girlfriend came over for a while. Robin and Shannon interview that homosexuality is "offensive" and "an abomination to the Lord". Yeah, why can't you queers have Lord-approved relationships like OJ and Nicole Simpson? Those are wholesome. Robin says she doesn't want to be judgmental, because she knows she's coming off as the huge bigot she is. Shannon's not smart enough to realize how ridiculous she sounds. Conspicuously absent from these interviews? Kesse. I declare her out of the Coven. Adrianne interviews that the Coven will never make it in modeling if they're going to be so narrow-minded. OK, I like her. Damn. Ebony's girlfriend Ka shows up, and is adorably nervous. Everyone except the Coven comes to introduce themselves to her, and it is my first liking Giselle moment ever. Ebony completely transforms in Ka's presence. She's all sweet and likable. Awwww. Robin and Shannon continue to sulk in their room. Eat it, bitches. It's about time the intolerant people are the ones who have to hide. Ebony and Ka smooch goodbye, and Ka leaves. They should have totally had sex on the floor outside of the Coven's room.

The next morning is the photo shoot, which is not really a photo shoot at all, but a commercial. The girls are introduced to Loren, the director. The commercial will be for contact lenses. Aha! That explains why Ebony and Robin look all goofy this week. The girls learn their choreography. Kesse is adorable. Giselle gives a pint of blood to the Red Cross. Orange Jay is there, but is mercifully silent this week. Yay! Elyse has gotten her bra stuffed with some silicone implants, and Adrianne plays with them, poking at Elyse's boobs for, like, ten seconds. That was awesome. Everyone starts out kinda OK at the commercial except Shannon, who sucks ass at everything. Seriously, why is she still here? I'd take a thousand Katies over this ugly, slack-jawed, narrow-minded, talentless bitch. Tyra is watching the proceedings. Adrianne has a problem with her Chicago accent. She can't say the word "passion", but she's not saying it like she's from Chicago. She's saying it like she's in a junior high production of A Streetcar Named Desire. Paaaayysshhun. Robin is wonderful. Ebony is....not wonderful. Tyra looks pissed. That night, everyone learns that there will be an elimination the next day, and dissect each other's chances.

The next day. Everyone comes into the elimination room. Boring! I'm calling it the Chamber of Doom from now on. Adrianne has been wearing that camouflage bandana for about a week. That thing could probably stand up on its own by now. The judges are introduced, with guest judge Loren the director. They play the commercial, and it's really stupid. The final challenge will be another cold-read. Everyone sucks. Actually, Robin is pretty good. I get the feeling that if she wasn't a hypocritical, bigoted snatch, I'd really like Robin. I'm just saying. Judging. Janice makes fun of Shannon's 43,000 teeth, which made me so very happy. Everyone loves Kesse. Janice yells at Robin for calling her ma'am, because it makes her come off like a pageant queen, which is total bullshit. Janice doesn't like it because it makes her feel old. Shut up, Janice. Adrianne is finally taken to task for her annoying voice. The judges like Giselle. Ugh. Ebony was horrible at the reading and on the commercial. Nobody has any problems with Elyse.

Deliberations. Janice hates Robin for daring to address her with respect. Tyra thinks Shannon could be America's Sweetheart, and I don't hear the rest of the deliberations because my head just exploded.

Elimination. Kesse is safe. Elyse. Adrianne (though Tyra makes fun of her voice some more. Snap!). Robin, who Tyra criticizes for being too beauty queen, saying models hate beauty queens. As opposed to the rest of the world who think models and beauty queens are pretty much the same thing. Fucking Shannon. Would Giselle and Ebony please step forward? Giselle, you lack self-esteem (which is crap...that girl is nothing but self-esteem). Ebony has a chip on her shoulder. I think Ebony has the entire tree on her shoulder. Giselle is crying, but she needn't be, because Ebony's bluster can't hide her lack of talent anymore, and she's out. She leaves. Now THAT, Ebony, is being in a competition. Go back to Ka, so I can like you some more. She does the Back to the Future fadeout from the cast picture, and I notice for the first time that Shannon is working the omnipresent slack jaw in that shot, too. Fucking Shannon.

"Next week" on America's Next Top Model. The girls "sex it up", though it looks to me like they're dressing up like rodeo clowns. Sexy! Everyone thinks Elyse has an eating disorder. Oh, great.

Overall Grade: B-

The Girl Who Gets Rushed to the Emergency Room

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 3

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Robin used the Bible to prove that she's a better person than everyone else. Yep, sounds pretty Christian to me. Ebony attempted to conceal Tyra mail. Katie was a slutbag, and got eliminated for it.

New York. Adrianne is surprised that Katie got cut, and is nervous for herself. I really wish they'd stop using Adrianne for exposition, because her slow, choppy speech drives me up the friggin wall. Nicole talks about her boyfriend back home. He apparently rides BMX for a living. She shows some pictures of him to the other girls, and they ooh and ahh over how ripped he is. Eh. I think he's pretty unremarkable. The nicest abs in the world don't make up for an ugly face. He's actually not ugly, just kinda plain. Nicole interviews that she wants independence and a life of her own, so the sneaky editors show her leaving a series of (unanswered) messages on her boyfriend's (Cory, I think) machine. Heh. Loser.

Morning. Tyra introduces the makeover session. Why, I do believe this is the first "Fierce!" of the series. And....ew. It's also the first introduction of Orange Jay. He hadn't dyed his hair bright blond at this point, so he looks a tiny bit better than he normally does, which is like saying that a puddle of vomit looks better without the chunks of corn swimming in it. Tyra and Jay talk about the looks that they have planned for the girls. Ebony, upon hearing that they're going to shave off the little patch of hair she has left, seems fine with that, saying "work me!" pleasantly. They don't have any ideas for Giselle, which made me laugh and laugh, because I dislike her for no very good reason. Nicole and Robin aren't thrilled. Nicole is going to have some expensive hair extensions taken out, and Robin's black hair is going to be dyed a lighter shade. They bitch and moan. God, shut up. Nicole's hair looks like a rat's nest, and Robin can dye her damn hair back, so they have nothing to complain about. The after picture of Nicole with straighter, shorter hair looks about 370 times better. Giselle cries as she's getting worked on, because she's an attention whore. Her "after" looks practically the same as her "before" except they've added some ill-advised red highlights. Elyse has been given a choppy, pixie haircut, and looks good. She interviews that it's not necessarily what she would have picked for herself, but she's not unhappy with it. Ebony looks about the same. Shannon's hair has been straightened, and as in Nicole's case, looks much, much better. I am starting to learn that a lot of women just can't pull off curly hair. At all. The camera catches Kesse with wax on her eyebrows and mustache line, and when she's sees that it's pointed at her, she goes bug-eyed and ducks behind a plant. Heh, that was cute. Her "after" photo makes her look more like Tyra than ever. She's happy with it. Adrianne looks fine, if not stunning. Robin continues to piss and moan, and thinks being a "diva" means being a lady. Between this and her definition of ironic a couple of weeks back, Robin needs to put down the Bible and pick up a freaking dictionary. She doesn't like the lighter color of her hair. I agree with her.

Orange Jay babbles about makeup. I wander away from the TV to get a drink, and when I get back, he's still going on about foundation or whatever. Zzzzzzzz.... Evening. Ebony throws one of her patented tantrums because it appears that the line of her head shaving is uneven. Isn't that easily fixable? She goes on and on (and on and on) about how bad it looks and poor her. She's got a point because a "trendy" "salon" being unable to simply shave someone's head is like a tenured English professor tripping over the alphabet. Still. Calm the fuck down, Ebony. Robin makes fun of her behind her back, making "blah blah blah" faces, which was 1) bitchy, 2) hypocritical, and 3) really funny. The other girls crack up. Nicole is still trying to reach her boyfriend. She says she can't get through the day without talking to him. Ugh, I hate chicks like that.

Morning. Orange Jay gives the girls crap for complaining about their makeovers. Sadly, this is just the first of many self-righteous snits from the little troll that we'll be treated to this week. Ebony totally pretends that she didn't have a shit-fit about her hair. I want to like Ebony, but she's making it very difficult. Orange Jay tells them that there will be a makeup challenge: they will have to transform from a daytime look to an evening one. The prize will be attending an industry party. Ebony (who is a makeup artist, we're told), gives Robin some helpful tips. Awww. The girls meet Derek Khan, and go window shopping in the ritzy stores on Madison Avenue. Actually, window shopping implies that things are purchased. The girls just go into stores and look at what they have. It's as exciting as it sounds. Robin actually plunks down almost $800 for a pair of boots. Hey, we all have our weaknesses.

Makeup challenge. They have ten minutes to create the evening look. Go! Frantic application of makeup ensues. Time is up. Everyone did kind of a sucky job, including Ebony the Makeup Artist. Orange Jay judges Elyse the winner for no apparent reason, but I like her, so it's fine by me. She's told she can pick three others to go with her. She chooses Nicole and Adrianne because they loaned various things to her. For the third name, she asks if anyone's mother's maiden name starts with G, and gets Robin. Elyse isn't happy. Well then, don't pick someone at random, stooge. Nicole actually declines her invitation, saying she doesn't feel well. Orange Jay starts into another whiny rant about how good this party could be for her career, and does she really wants to advance someone else at her own expense, and so on. Shut up, Jay. Elyse interviews that you can't afford to alienate the judges in this competition. That's true, and the power that this hideous little toad wields over the girls is nothing short of depressing. Orange Jay warns her once more that an elimination is looming, and Nicole says that if they eliminate her just because she doesn't feel up to sharing in a reward, then it's a stupid competition, and she doesn't want to win it. Wow, that was my first respecting Nicole moment, ever. Orange Jay implies that if she doesn't bend to his will, she'll wind up working at Burger King. SHUT UP, YOU UGLY, STUPID FUCK-KNUCKLE! I could not detest him more. In a way, he's got a tiny sliver of a point, because I suspect that Nicole doesn't want to go to the party because of the issues she's having with her boyfriend, which is stupid. Still, if she's really not feeling well, then trying to badger her into it is completely out of line. He's only doing it because her not treating this party as if it were the best thing ever, which....well, you'll see in a minute....makes him look like a fool, which he is.

Elyse, Adrianne, and Robin show up at the Indian consulate where the party is being held. So nobody went in Nicole's place, which kind of blows Jay's "putting someone else at an advantage" argument right out of the water. Are you ready for the mind-blowing importance of the people at this party? You know, the ones Orange Jay implied could make or break Nicole's career? A socialite. A former fashion editor. Puff Daddy's mother. There ya go! And what sage advice do they have for the models that did show up? Elyse is fit for runway work, Adrianne would make a good print model, and Robin would be a good spokesmodel. That's it. Wow, I'd totally be crying into my pillow if I missed out on this. Back at the hotel, Nicole finally reaches her boyfriend on the phone, and without so much as a hello, starts ripping into him about how she hasn't been able to reach him for a few days. He seems unimpressed by the argument that he should be at her beck and call. They fight some more, and are both idiots. She asks him if he wants her to drop out of the competition, and he says "I don't know" which means "yes" which means they're not just idiots, but passive-aggressive idiots.

Morning. Jon, the personal trainer, wakes the girls up and tells them they're going to work out. Robin is really late because she was primping in the mirror, and totally flakes out on her workouts. She's such a princess. Jon hates her, and loves Adrianne, and for once, I can see why. She likes exercising, and it shows. Giselle interviews that Robin has to have an attitude about everything. Does that lack of self-awareness ever hurt?

The photo shoot today is a beauty shot, with bizarre makeup. Oh, and some very special models, which are a bunch of snakes. Heh, this ought to be good. Giselle and Adrianne seem excited about posing with snakes, and Robin is - surprise! - upset about it. She's wearing red/yellow makeup across her eyes, and I have to say, looks really good. Elyse is given long, fake eyelashes and is told to act like she just popped out of an eggshell, which she does admirably. Kesse really doesn't look thrilled to have a snake wrapped around her, though her makeup is pretty. Ebony looks completely awesome. Shannon is boring, as always. Giselle has a bunch of glitter on her face. I can't decide if it's cool in an artsy sort of way or really stupid. She can take comfort that her snake is posing much better than any of the other girls'. Nicole looks the best she ever has. Adrianne has super-cool purple makeup splashed across her face, and brags about how natural she is with the snake, as if half the other girls weren't equally as calm. The photographer practically jizzes himself talking about how awesome she is. I really don't get it. The girls love Adrianne. The judges love Adrianne. The personal trainer loves Adrianne. The people at the Indian consulate love Adrianne. Photographers love Adrianne. I? Do not love Adrianne. I don't hate her, but I really am at a loss to explain why she's so popular. She's pretty, but not overly so. Her voice is extremely grating. She's one of those chicks that pretends to be really into beer and baseball so guys will think she's cool. I mean, it's nice that she doesn't whine about challenges and all, but still. I'm lost.

Tyra Mail. Elimination looms. In the morning, Adrianne cannot drag herself out of bed. Ebony notes that usually Adrianne is always talking and that the silence alerted her to the fact that something may be wrong. She's practically screaming in Adrianne's ear, which is so helpful when you're sick. Adrianne gets sent to the hospital, and she really does look wretched. She interviews in the cab as she's shivering and crying that she hates hospitals. There goes that badass image. I can't be too rough on her, though. When you're ill, you can pretty much act however you want (within reason). That's why there's so many sympathy-baiting hypochondriacs out there. Not that, you know, I know any. In completely unrelated news...Hi, Mom! Turns out Adrianne has a nasty case of food poisoning. Ouch. I wonder why nobody else got it. Tyra interviews that if Adrianne cannot make it to the judging, she'll be eliminated. Adrianne lies that she feels better and drags herself back to the hotel. OK, she gets a lot of respect for that. I'm still not falling into her love trap, though.

Judging. Tyra recaps the prizes and introduces the judges. The guest judge is some anal leakage from a diseased camel. Or Orange Jay for short. The final challenge will be to take a photo of Tyra with some extreme makeup and try and replicate it within 20 minutes. To save time, I'll just say that they all suck, and everyone looks like steaming ass. Adrianne. Janice is pleased that she pushed herself to the judging, because you should always put the judges' wishes before your own, Nicole. Everyone loves her photo, of course. Kesse. They like the look, but think she looks too scared of her snake in the photo. I have to say that's true. Nicole. As I said before, I think she looks better than she ever has. The judges make up some bullshit about "dead eyes" because they hate her for skipping the party. Everyone loves Elyse. Shannon. I know I said everyone looks bad, but Shannon goes that one better and looks downright awful. Seriously, she looks like a hooker that has just had her ass kicked in a barroom brawl. The photo is meh, but the judges seem to like it. Giselle. The judges like her photo more than she or I do. Take what you can get, Giselle. Robin. The judges yell at her for complaining about the makeover. Tyra whines a bit about the hair tragedies she's had to endure while Janice plays air violin in the background. Heh. They like her photo, though, and wow. I hate Robin as a person, but she takes some really terrific pictures. She's like the Keenyah of Cycle 1. Ebony. The judges say that her photo (which is great) needed the most retouching because of her skin texture. Uh, oh. That doesn't bode well.

Deliberations. Kimora thinks Nicole looks good in person, but not in her photographs. Hah! That's the exact opposite of what the photographer said earlier. Tyra says she feels like Nicole doesn't want to be there, which means that Orange Jay badmouthed her for not wanting to go to a party to meet a bunch of nouveau-riche wannabes. God, he's such an asshole. Robin's got an attitude problem. Ebony is harsh.

Elimination. Shannon is safe. Boo! I hate her. Kesse. Elyse. Giselle. Adrianne. Robin is told she's safe, and that she's spent her one free tantrum. She seems to take that gracefully. Would Ebony and Nicole please step forward? Ebony's skin texture is a problem, but not as much of a problem as Nicole's not bowing to Orange Jay's every whim, so she's cut. I'm not much of a Nicole fan, but what-the-fuck ever. She doesn't have any regrets, and is semi-relieved to be going home to her jerk boyfriend so the two of them can spend their jerky lives together and have jerky children. Bye, Nicole! At least I don't have to try to tell the difference between you and Shannon anymore.

"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: The girls do a commercial. Ebony wants to bring her girlfriend over, and Shannon has an anti-homosexuality rant, as if she were smart enough to form an opinion on anything other than lip gloss. Ebony fights with Giselle. Geez, I really need to make an "Ebony fights with [name]" macro.

Overall Grade: C-

The Girl Is Here To Win, Not Make Friends

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 2

Previously on America's Next Top Model: 20 semi-finalists were whittled into 10 finalists. Elyse began her campaign to become my new best friend. The Christian Coven looked down on everyone else, because if there's one group that has true moral superiority, it's reality-show-model wannabes. Oh, and some boring chick named Tessa was eliminated. Yawn.

New York. Shannon talks about being in the bottom two of the elimination last week, and shows off pictures of her family, which everyone admires. Ebony, in particular, compliments Shannon's relatives, then interviews about how well everyone's fitting in. Uh, oh. That doesn't bode well. Geez, Ebony, why not just say "What can possibly go wrong?" or "Nothing can stop me now!" while you're at it? Elyse interviews that she doesn't like hanging around the other girls at all because they're all high-energy all the time, gossiping and cackling like hens. You guys, if I were a woman? I'd be Elyse. But fatter. And I wouldn't go on a show like this. So really, not like Elyse at all. Oh, well.

The next morning, the girls barely stir themselves out of bed to get some Tyra Mail. They are so not morning people, so they get a point for that. Stupid mornings. The mail tells them to be ready at 11:30. Ebony interviews about how competitive she's going to be and how she came here to win. You know, like every reality show contestant ever. She strikes a series of weird poses in front of a mirror. Seriously, she's, like, doing the robot. The Christian Coven is reading their bibles at the table. Robin reads a passage about "foolish is the man who says there is no God", and decides to show it to Elyse and ask her what she thinks of it, pretty much openly calling her a moron. Robin represents everything that's wrong with organized religion. Spirituality is supposed to be about common ground. About treating people with respect. People like Robin who use God as incontrovertible backup so that they can act superior to those who don't agree with them are revolting. She's the reason that when people introduce themselves as a "committed Christian", I'm immediately suspicious of them, and that's just sad.

The girls meet Tyra at a warehouse-type place where a runway is setup. Tyra is wearing what appears to be a poof of ostrich feathers on one of her shoulders. The hell? She demonstrates bad runway walks, and then introduces the girls to Miss J. Yay! Miss J asks to see their walks. Nicole's first. Who? She's so bland that I forget she exists when she's not on screen. Miss J thinks Robin is kind of heavy. Sigh. Adrianne learns quickly. Shannon has a "commercial" walk, whatever the hell that means. Giselle's dancing training gives her some bad habits that will be tough to break out of (which, not...Naima was a dancer and never had any problems on runways). Kesse is too tense. Ebony is too intense. Katie swishes down the runway like the harlot she is. She interviews about how wonderful and natural she is, but Miss J feels her walk needs work. Hah! He loves Elyse, but I hate her walk. She's clomping down the runway like a damn moose. A really skinny moose.

Miss J demonstrates how to work the runway in a short, black skirt. All of the girls are delighted with his display, even Robin. Doesn't she know that gay men are evil? Guess she'll be getting some extra time in purgatory for that. Miss J asks the girls what they want to do after they model. Giselle wants to be an actress. At this point, I paused the episode to write down "Giselle wants to be an actress", and when I looked back up at the screen, it was frozen on Miss J giving the camera the most awesome look in the world, basically: "yeah, you'll be an actress the day I'm made starting defensive tackle for the New York Jets". Ebony thinks she may want to be a comedian. Hmm, I don't know about that. Elyse wants to go to med school. Miss J reminds her that it's a difficult path. If I were Elyse, I would have said "Really? Oh. Well, then forget it." Giselle interviews that she's pissed off that Elyse wants to be a doctor, I guess because she thinks smart girls are supposed to be ugly. After all, if there are smart, pretty girls running around, where does that leave Giselle the Village Idiot?

After the runway demonstration, the girls go out for pizza. For some reason, Robin is behind the counter, tossing the dough. Everyone settles down for a big ol' sausage pizza. Hey, Robin? "The pig is also unclean; although it has a split hoof, it does not chew the cud. You are not to eat their meat or touch their carcasses." (Deuteronomy 14:8) Elyse eats very little, which the other girls note snottily. Back at the loft, the girls practice their runway walks. Elyse is in the confessional, going on and on about how stupid and irrelevant modeling is, and how they should eliminate her. Yeah, it's a real shame they kidnapped her and forced her at gunpoint to apply for this show. Elyse? I love you, but shut up.

The next day, it's time for a runway walk challenge. All of the girls will have three outfits to model, and have to do quick changes in between them, so that she's ready to go when it's her turn again. The winner will get to hang out with Wyclef Jean at his recording studio. Yawn. The girls seem excited about it, though. And they're off! Some of the outfits look really terrific. Elyse in the penguin shirt, Robin in the tiger print, Ebony in a white dress, and Kesse in a red dress look particularly stunning. Shannon's a mess. She looks awful, and wears a shirt buttoned that's supposed to be hanging open because she doesn't want to show too much skin. Good thing she's not trying to break into a career in which you have to wear revealing clothing! A few of the girls are late on their entrances. Robin misses her start because she's busy checking herself in the mirror. "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18) Elyse's third outfit is a hideous schoolmarm dress in a gross shade of pink. To her credit, she hates it as much as I do. Call me, Elyse! Miss J gives out some critiques, then declares Giselle the winner. Whatever. She's allowed to pick three friends to take with her, and she picks Nicole (who?), Adrianne, and Katie. Ebony is disappointed. Back at the loft, Elyse interviews about how intellectually superior she feels to the other girls, which, I would feel like that too, but I wouldn't make myself look like an asshole by saying so. She completely flips out, a string of bleeped words streaming from her mouth as she tears her fellow competitors to shreds. You can totally tell that she called Giselle a cunt. Wow.

That evening, soon after the challenge winners leave for their whirlwind trip to a boring-ass recording studio, the girls discover some Tyra Mail. Elyse starts to read it aloud, and Shannon rudely interrupts her. Elyse pauses, and doesn't even look up, leaving the air heavy with an unmistakable, yet silent "SHUT THE FUCK UP". Shannon apologizes, and when Elyse starts to reread the mail, interrupts her again. The mail says that there will be a photo shoot for Stuff magazine the next day, and the girls will have to be ready at 7:30 AM. There's some talk about whether they should try to catch the challenge winners to tell them about the mail or not, and Robin does the decent thing and runs down to tell them. Congrats, challenge winners! You'll get no sleep! The winners go to the recording studio, and it's totally wild! Wow, I could party there all zzzzzzzzzzzz..............

The Christian Coven is a bit upset that the photos in Stuff magazine are a bit slutty. Ebony practices her runway walk in the hallway. When the girls get back, Ebony gets all confrontational with Adrianne about how she wasn't going to tell them (the challenge winners) about the Tyra Mail, because she's so competitive. Huh? That makes no sense. 1) There's no reason to get all snitty at Adrianne, even if she is kind of a loser. 2) It's just coming off as sour grapes for not winning the challenge. 3) I'm fairly certain not telling the girls about an upcoming challenge must be against some rule or other. 4) And obviously, someone is going to tell them about the challenge, or they'll find out when everyone wakes up in the morning. 5) Why even bring this up now at all? Robin already told them about the photo shoot, so what is Ebony hoping to accomplish by bragging about how she was going to keep it to herself? 6) Being competitve means wanting to do well by the competition's rules, not scheming your way around them. Her plan is basically like trying to win a baseball game by giving the opposing team bad directions to the stadium. Shut up, Ebony.

Morning. Robin proceeds to piss away any goodwill I felt towards her by getting the group together to smarmily insult Ebony for not wanting to share the challenge details. She crows about how she's a good competitor and Ebony's a bad one. This is what I mean about "committed Christians". A good person would have told the challenge winners about the photo shoot, and left it at that, rather than trying to make herself seem righteous by causing a public snit. "The arrogant one will stumble and fall and no one will help her up; I will kindle a fire in her towns that will consume all who are around her." (Jeremiah 50:32) I mean, basically she's right about Ebony, but she's being such an insufferable jerk that it kind of wipes out Ebony's transgression with her own. Everyone gets into a huge screaming match about who's good and who's bad and everyone's right and everyone's wrong and shut up. Suddenly, everyone's holding hands in a big circle, with Robin leading them in a prayer about keeping them from yelling at each other. Er...ok. Elyse and Ebony are not thrilled with the prayer, but then why do it? If you're such a militant atheist, say "Prayer, schmayer. I'm getting some cantaloupe," and be done with it.

Photo shoot. Tyra introduces the photographer, Barry Hollywood (snerk), and says that she'll be photographed first. The girls are a bit nervous about following her up, but they get started soonafter. Katie's up first, and talks about how she's done a photo shoot for Playboy. I am shocked. Next you'll tell me professional wrestling is fake. Adrianne is praised highly, but I really don't see why. Even after Elyse's bra is stuffed, she's still flat as a pancake, and Barry thinks she looks androgynous, which I have to kind of agree with. Robin is not thrilled with the skimpy bathing suit, but looks freaking awesome. I love her necklace. Nicole. Who? Ebony is "modern". Shannon is "great". Giselle is "present". Thanks for all those insightful critiques, Hollywood (snerk). Kesse looks OK, but is a bit stiff and self-conscious, and it shows. After the shoot, the girls learn that someone will be eliminated the next day. Elyse interviews that she takes the competition more seriously than she lets on. Either Elyse has that condition from Memento and doesn't remember talking about how "vapid" and "irrelevant" this all is, or a producer threatened her, all "Look, sister. You'd better pretend to think this competition is the coolest thing since mini corn muffins. We're trying to whip up some suspense, here."

Morning. The girls are all jittery. Giselle says she'll be "pissed off" if she's eliminated. You may not have noticed, but a lot of things piss Giselle off. Judging. Tyra has a weird milkmaid bun in her hair. The girls will be judged on their walk and their photos. Let's say hello to the judges. Janice needs no introduction. Beau Quillian is the fashion editor at Marie Claire. He's ugly, needs to shave, and is wearing a white undershirt with an open-collared blue shirt and an off-white sweater vest. Yep, he's totally who I'd look for in a fashion editor. Kimora Lee Simmons is almost as addicted to lip gloss as Keenyah was. Miss J is the guest judge. Let's get to the walks.

Robin does fine. There's some talk about when and how to take off the jacket, but her photo looks terrific. Nicole. Who? Giselle is competent, but unmemorable. Shannon walks down the runway with a slack jaw and looks hideous. Miss J tells her it looks like she's trying to catch flies with her mouth. Hah! Adrianne has a weird, slithery walk, but the judges like her photo. Ebony does fine, and the judges love her photo. She does look good, though I think she can do better. Everyone thinks Elyse has the best walk, and her photo turns out much better than I thought it would. Katie is a big whore, and it shows in both the walk and the photo. Kesse does not have a very good walk. Janice gives her a very fair, unemotional critique, and Kesse bursts into tears. Pull it together, woman. This is the nicest I've ever seen Janice, so you'd better get a spine, stat. The photo's OK, but I don't like her hairstyle. The judges think she kind of looks like Tyra.

Deliberations. The judges basically just repeat all the same criticisms. Time to find out who's going home. Shannon is safe. Boo! Nicole. Who? Giselle. Robin. Adrianne. Ebony. Elyse. Would Kesse and Katie please step forward? This is weird. Those two barely had any screen time this week, which usually means they're safe. I guess giving more time to the relatively normal Kesse would have taken time away from the Robin/Ebony fight. And.....Kesse is safe, and Katie is eliminated. She is not upset, promising in voiceover that we'll see her on the cover of magazines someday. Yeah, maybe Juggs. Reach for the stars, Katie. And try not to pass around too many crabs.

"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers. Ebony is upset because they somehow "ruin" her shaved head. How do you even do that? The girls pose with snakes. And...ew. The first appearance of Orange Jay. Fuck.

Overall Grade: C

The Girl Who Walks On Water

America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 12

Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: A bunch of horseshit that resulted in Brittany's undeserved elimination.

We're down to the final three! Let's meet our girls. Kahlen is a small town girl with no modeling experience. She's never even seen this show before, a fact that makes Tyra give her quite the dirty look. She takes wonderful photos, but lacks confidence. Has she not won a single challenge? Huh. I guess not. Naima is the reformed party girl, who has muffled her past, causing the judges to criticize her for being in a "shell". Keenyah has weight issues and is confident (read: a bitch), which can lead to arrogance (read: a megabitch). Tyra says that she is "hungry for success", which is hilariously mean.

Cape Town. The girls visit an outdoor zoo, and walk up to a pen of cute little birds. I know those aren't penguins, but they look mighty close. I have no idea what they really are. Wow, those two biology degrees are certainly well-deserved, aren't they? Keenyah asks if they're going to attack her. Oh, if only. Tyra meets with the girls one-on-one. Kahlen talks about how a lot of people never believed in her, and didn't think she'd make it in this competition. Naima talks about how much more comfortable with herself she is now. Keenyah thinks that she eats because she has an oral fixation. So chew a damn pen like the rest of us. All in all, the "Tyra is caring den mother to the girls" is always a really boring segment that does nothing but helps kill about five minutes.

Tyra Mail! Kahlen reads it out, and it includes the phrases "draw on everything you've learned" and "duck for cover". Kahlen jokes that the challenge will be drawing ducks, which would have been sweet. The girls show up bright and early, and the first thing they're faced with is Orange Jay. Gah! Not that I'd ever be happy to see him, but I'd be especially ooked out at the crack of dawn. He asks them if they're ready for a runway show. Kahlen smiles widely, interviewing that she thinks she excels at runway shows, so she's got this in the bag. Orange Jay quickly crushes her dreams by announcing that the runway show is a fake, as a backdrop for the Cover Girl commercial they'll be shooting today. Kahlen's smile fades rapidly. "Acting is not my thing at all," she interviews. Acting's not her thing. Dancing's not her thing. Posing with boys is not her thing. Kahlen needs to get a thing. In addition to the commercial, the girls will have a close-up beauty shot taken for a print ad. Jay blathers about how great Cover Girl is. Ew. Next time, make the product placement a little less blatant, and have someone who doesn't look like a sandblasted mannequin deliver it.

Kahlen is extremely nervous about the commercial. Keenyah is very confident and says that she'd be a great representative for anything in the modeling world. I don't quite hear the rest because I am choking on my own hysterical laughter. The ugly makeup artist gives Naima a bunch of crap for being a quiet girl. Shut up, Ugly Makeup Artist. Less yakking. More covering up the unfortunate zit that Naima seems to have sprung. The fake runway show starts. Miss J is there, and tells Naima not to lead with her chin, because otherwise, everyone can look right up her nose and "see what [she's] thinking". Ha! I love Miss J. Keenyah looks great, but is a bit overconfident, tossing in a lot of winks and kisses at the camera. Orange Jay complains that she doesn't look natural. This from a man who's so processed and bleached and waxed and tanned that he looks like a cross between a Ken doll and an Oompa Loompa. Kahlen is fine, if a little dull, at the runway scene.

Now it's time for the girls to deliver their lines. Naima's a little wooden, but does fine overall. Keenyah flubs her lines a bit, but seems very natural and poised for the camera. Kahlen, as she predicted, sucks rocks. "Jesus Louise-us," she mutters after she messes up for like the fortieth time. Aw, she's cute when she's incompetent. Finally, the girls pose for their beauty shot. Keenyah's up first. Orange Jay babbles on and on nonsensically as he always does. Miss J manages to insert a line about how she shouldn't lose her neck, which is the only piece of helpful advice to come from the observers. Naima thinks the beauty shot is a bit tough, but she turns out beautiful, as always. Kahlen wants the beauty shot to redeem her crappy performance in the commercial. As she tries to smile naturally, Miss J tells her to imagine farting and smiling at the same time. Kahlen cracks up, and the photographer gets a great shot. See? Miss J is effortlessly smarter, funnier, and cooler than Orange Jay.

The girls discuss how they think they did. Keenyah interviews that the judges see something special in Naima that she doesn't see. That'd be a soul, Keenyah. Naima is nervous. Kahlen thinks she really underperformed, and is convinced she's going to be cut. Judging time. Wow, Keenyah's necklace is really, really pretty. The guest judge for today will be Gretha Scholtz, who's a designer for a bathing suit line called Poison Ivy. Red, blotchy skin is certainly what I like to think of when I'm purchasing a bathing suit. Why not just call it the Eczema line? Tyra explains the prizes for the show, as she does every week, then says that the two finalists will compete in a runway show. Janice begs to be in the show. You can play with the other models when your Botox is through hardening, young lady.

The girls are being judged on three things today: the commercial, the beauty shot, and a model walk. Naima's up first. On anyone else, the walk would be fine, but I think it's pretty poor for her. Janice agrees with me. The beauty shot could not look better. It's simply perfect (Nole disagrees, but I tend to ignore him because he's stupid). As to the commercial, the judges are very impressed. Tyra in particular didn't think Naima had it in her. We have to hear again about her troubled past. Janice tells her what's in the past is all over now, and Naima bursts into tears for no apparent reason. All right then. Keenyah. I like her walk, but the judges, especially Gretha, don't feel it was up to her standards. The photo is great, except for one thing. Yes, she's lost her neck, which makes her head look disproportionate. Should've listened to Miss J, Keenyah. The judges are wishy washy about her commercial performance, but I think she did very well with it. Kahlen. Her walk is stiff and her face isn't the least bit expressive. Nigel notices that she holds her breath when she walks, which you really cannot do. Tyra doesn't like her beauty shot, but I think she looks terrific; very natural and relatable. I thought she was just so-so in the commercial, but the judges are more generous than I am.

Deliberations. Everyone loves Naima. Kahlen's pictures are great, but she loses a lot of appeal in person. Keenyah is striking and pudgy. The girls come back in. Here we go. Naima is safe. No surprise there. Would Keenyah and Kahlen please step forward? Tyra makes them face each other, and tells them that every quality that they lack can be found in the other girl. As she begins to pull out the photo, it cuts to commercials. You rat bastards!

OK, we're back. And the second finalist is....Kahlen! Oh, snap! Keenyah starts crying. We see Keenyah's portfolio, and she took some really awesome photos. Of course, she proceeds to piss away any lingering respect I may have had for her by turning her entire exit interview into a list of reasons why Kahlen sucks. Not what she's learned. Not what she's accomplished. Just that she's shocked she's leaving because she's so much better than Kahlen. Keenyah? Sweetie? Fuck off.

The next day, Kahlen and Naima interview that they like each other, but cannot be friends right now, because they are in direct competition. Sounds fair. They head for the fashion show. Orange Jay is waiting for them, and looks even more hideous than usual. He's wearing a kind of pink outfit with weird straps and a neckline open to the chest. It really highlights his skin tone, and that is not a compliment. We are seeing way too much of him this episode. He explains that they will be modeling clothes from three designers, then points out the runway, which is partially submerged in water. That is so cool! Miss J appears and demonstrates walking on the runway. He also calls them "model tramps" and tells them they have move on the water like Jesus, who had all the hip action under his robe. Ha! Flash forward to show time. Tyra comes backstage to wish them luck. They're both very nervous. Kahlen is petrified she's going to fall right off the runway into the water. That'd make for quite a finale. The girls don't talk to each other, concentrating very hard on the show ahead. The judges file in and sit down with the rest of the audience. Miss J is dressed head to toe in African garb, complete with the Erykah Badu turban.

First pass. I'm not loving these outfits they're wearing. They're kind of slutty goth style. Both Naima and Kahlen do excellent walks and poses. The second pass is evening gowns, which are totally gorgeous. Kahlen walks confidently as she interviews that she was "stomping" on all the people who didn't believe in her and the little girl who didn't believe in herself. I understand, but the imagery of stomping on a scared little girl is probably not what she was going for. Work on your metaphors, Kahlen. Third pass is swimsuits, and this is the big one. Tiny, complicated suits that shows everything. Plus, this is the pass where Naima and Kahlen will actually walk by each other. Naima interviews that when she sees Kahlen, she'll be all like "Look bitch, this is what I have to offer." Only Naima could say that and make it sound like she still totally respects Kahlen. The suits are bizarre, but they both look great. During the finale, all the models come out and dance around in the water, and you can tell they both had a blast. After the show, Kahlen sneaks up on Naima and gives her a monster hug and a kiss. Aw. I cannot tell you how wonderful and refreshing it is to watch a finale where I like both of the finalists.

The girls feel great about their performances in the show and in the entire competition, as they should. The final Tyra Mail appears out of thin air. Kahlen reads aloud about the upcoming judging, then squints and pretends to read "Kahlen, you are the greatest model in the world", which leads Naima to fake-read "but Naima, your walk tonight was beautiful." They both crack up. They both rock. They enter the judging wearing the same beautiful evening gowns they wore for the show. Tyra introduces them a final time, saying that Naima is from Detroit, Michigan, but that Kahlen is from "Oklahoma". That's it. We don't get to hear what town she's from, because it totally doesn't matter. The whole Midwest is just a gelatinous mass of flyover country, right? Asses.

Tyra recaps the prizes as if we didn't just hear them ten minutes ago. They watch the fashion show, and the judges love both of them. The final "challenge" is to compare the girls' photos from week to week. Here's how they stack up in my book. Aliens. Advantage: Kahlen. Her makeup helps a lot, but she gave a terrific pose as well that really works for her. Naima looks fine, but a bit bland. Walkin' The Dogs. Advantage: Kahlen. She's got a kind of pouty mouth, which I usually hate, but looks great here. Again, Naima looks OK, just not as good. Wet and Wild. Advantage: Naima. She has a badass look on her face that just pummels Kahlen's generic pose into the ground. Seven Deadly Sins. Advantage: Kahlen. For once, Nole says what I'm thinking, that Kahlen is personifying the definition of Wrath. Naima looks good as Envy, but is simply outshined by Kahlen. Animal Safari. Advantage: Naima. Everyone loves Kahlen's springbok photo, but I find Naima's cheetah much more alluring. The Aristocrats. Advantage: Naima. The judges call this her best photo, and I agree. It is just flawless. That makes it 3 to 3, and they both look so great in the Cover Girl beauty shot. If I absolutely had to pick, I'd choose Naima's as being better. Tyra asks each girl why she thinks she should be America's Next Top Model. They both give bullshit beauty pageant answers that judges love about overcoming the Shy Girl inside.

The judges deliberate. They think that Kahlen has the more solid portfolio, but that Naima completely rocked the commercial, beauty shot, and fashion show. They bring the girls back in. Tyra informs them that it was the longest deliberation the judges have ever had. Easy to see why. And the winner is.....Naima! Yay! She yells with excitement. Kahlen starts to cry. Tyra hugs both of them, whispering "I'm so proud of you" to Kahlen. Kahlen interviews about how much modeling means to her, and what she's learned about herself in the process. She's sweet. She'll do all right for herself. We flash back over some pictures of Naima's childhood and some clips of her during the show. She gleefully announces that she is, in fact, America's Next Top Model. That you are, Naima. Cheers!

Overall Grade: A-

5 Continents, 25 Cities, and More Than 40,000 Miles!

The Amazing Race - Season 7, Episode 11

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ryan and Chuck fell behind and were eliminated. Too bad. They looked fun. Megan and Heidi were ditzy Olivia Newton-John clones, and lasted one more episode than I thought they would. Debbie and Bianca thought "mountains" meant "that big, wet, salty thing that fish live in". Susan and Patrick whined a lot, and so did their boat. Ray and Deana bickered their way into last place and thankfully never recovered. Brian and Greg got lost, then practically naked. Lynn and Alex drove in the wrong direction one too many times, and left to be annoying elsewhere. Meredith and Gretchen ran out of other dumbass teams prone to screwups. Three teams remain. Who will win?

London. Phil explains the whole concept of the show. Thanks, Phil, but I'm not too sure people unfamiliar with the show are going to be tuning in for the finale. He's also sure to include his usual phrase "race around the world". Let's keep that phrase in mind for about fifteen seconds, shall we? Rob and Amber are the first team to leave the mat at 2:47 AM. They receive their clue, which sends them to Kingston, Jamaica. That'd be west. So....not really a race around the world, then. Unless I missed some important news about Asia seceding. Rob and Amber head for the airport, and find a 12:40 PM flight to Kingston. Eventually, all the teams will wind up on this flight.

4:26 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat. Sweet sassafras, how long did they spend at that Roadblock last week? Wow. Since they're boring in every respect except for the one where they hate each other, we listen to Kelly interview about how Ron can't see what a quality girl she is. She's smiling through the whole thing like even she knows what a line of crap she's spewing. Ron interviews that he never had to deal with this emotional stuff in the Army. Yes, Ron, but what about all those years before the Army? He wasn't born into the POW camp, was he?

4:41 AM. Uchenna and Joyce give us the word that the teams will be receiving $630 dollars for this leg of the race. They talk about how they love each other, and head for the airport. After all the teams get their tickets, Kelly decides there couldn't be a better time to talk about her and Ron's relationship. She talks about how much she wants them to be together, but he will not be pressured into marrying her, so they essentially break up. I'm sure that the pain and awkwardness stemming from this won't have any effect on their ability to run the race, right?

Kingston, Jamaica. Everyone grabs taxis to head for a beach called Frenchman's Cove. Ron refers to Jamaica as "a third-world country". Yeah, you always hear about how people love to spend their vacations and honeymoons in third-world countries. That's why there are always so many great packages to Ethiopia. Shut up, Ron. When the teams reach the cove, they find their next clue, and it's this week's Roadblock. In this Roadblock, a member of the team must do the limbo in order to determine their departure time the next morning. The lower you go, the earlier you can leave. This is the coolest Roadblock ever! It's tough to believe that this and the suck that was the "eat four pounds of meat" Roadblock came from the same minds. All of the ladies take the Roadblock. Amber and Kelly manage to get under the lowest setting, so they will leave at 8:15 AM the next morning. Joyce can't quite get that low, so she and Uchenna will be leaving at 8:30 AM. They will be going to a place called Grants Level, which I guess is the capitol building for The Land of Shitty Punctuation. Kelly talks about how Rob and Amber always seem to be right next to them, and that she thinks they're scared. Yeah, weepy, emotional women are really difficult to compete against. I'm sure all those gold medal winners are always whining about their boyfriends in the middle of the long jump.

In the taxi on the way to Grant Should Look Into Apostrophes, Rob talks about how they've got a one in three shot of winning a million dollars, and how most people never see that amount of money. He's talking about it as if his fiancee isn't sitting on a million dollars already, and it makes me want to jab a pencil in his eye. They get to the clue box, and it's a Detour. The choices? Raft It or Build It. In Raft It, you have to float 8 miles down the river with only a pole to steer. In Build It, you have to assemble a raft, then float it across the river to a clue. This isn't a very good Detour, since 8 miles is really, really far. I'm not that great at building things, but anyone who has the skill to put together a Target bookcase could assemble this raft. Everyone picks Build It, with Kelly making Ron choose the Detour so that she can yell at him later if they have trouble. Uchenna and Joyce catch up, so everyone is madly assembling. It goes pretty much how you'd expect. Rob and Amber are really fast but make risky choices like not wearing gloves. Uchenna and Joyce work steadily and are pretty efficient. Ron and Kelly bicker and argue, and focus way too much on what everyone else is doing.

Rob snaps at Amber a little bit, then apologizes. Amber says "I'll do whatever I can to make you happy. Then after the race, you can make me happy." Naughty! At least if his mouth is busy, she won't have to listen to that accent. Ew, I just grossed myself out. Rob and Amber finish the raft, but have built an extra section into it they have to take out. Ron and Kelly finish, but one of their bamboo poles isn't in the right position. Uchenna and Joyce finish, and it's perfect. Rob and Amber finish successfully soon after. Both teams get across the river and get their clues, which sends them to Round Hill in Montego Bay, the pit stop. Ron and Kelly are left behind as the others take off. They finally finish the raft, and head out, not stopping the bickering for a second.

So now it's a three-way taxi race to the pit stop. The Bad Luck Imp giggles with delight as he throws problem after problem at them. Everyone has to stop for gas. Rob and Amber get caught at a routine security checkpoint. Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire. Everyone's stressed and upset. Rob angrily talks about how the cop may have cost him a million bucks. Yeah, so did you flapping your gums about the earlier flight to Turkey, so shut up. The flat tire put Uchenna and Joyce far behind, so Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber race for the mat, with Ron/Kelly barely edging them out. They win nothing, of course. Uchenna and Joyce finally arrive, and are told they're last, but of course this is the final non-elimination point. They're stripped of their money and possessions. Boo!

We're back for the second part. 2:37 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat and head for the town of Lucea, where they'll have to pick up a bag of onions and take them to a restaurant, then chop fifty of them. Oh, and they're still broken up. They tell the guy who calls a taxi for them not to call one for anyone else, and he basically accuses them of cheating. Ha! That was funny.

2:38 AM. Rob and Amber leave, and let us know that everyone except Uchenna and Joyce will be receiving $445 for this leg. Rob brags about how they've got the race in the bag. Fate raises her eyebrow and grins.

2:48 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. I guess ten minutes isn't too bad, but that lack of funds is troublesome. They want to go to the airport to beg, and catch a ride there after a while. Ron and Kelly have to stop for directions, so Rob and Amber are first to the onions. She very intelligently suggests picking up the lightest bag, since chopping 50 small onions is bound to take less time than 50 large ones. Both teams get to the restaurant and much chopping ensues. Uchenna and Joyce are having some trouble begging at the airport. This is just painful to watch. Rob and Amber finish their onions and take off. Ron interviews that Rob has fear in his eyes. No, that would be tears from chopping onions. He says that if Rob doesn't think he has competition, then he's an idiot. Rob is many things, and I don't like most of them, but idiot he is not. They finish and leave for the next destination, Rose Hill, which is gorgeous.

Both lead teams arrive at the clue box at the same time. Detour. Pony Up or Tee It Up. In Pony Up, you have to (really) ride a horse into the ocean. When it starts swimming you get off and hold on to its tail. Then you go around a buoy and back to shore. Nobody picks this one, which is a damn shame. In Tee It Up, you dress in dumb golf clothes and alternate hitting golf balls at a 15-foot area about 140 yards away. Yeah, that does sound significantly faster. Still, I wanted to see the horse one. Boo! Uchenna and Joyce have gotten enough money for a cab and get their onions and Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber begin. Weird symphonic music plays as their balls fly all over the place. Not so sure Beethoven was an avid golfer, there. Uchenna and Joyce chop. Rob hits the area, and he and Amber get their next clue, which sends them to a fort in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Oh, I so want to go there. Apparently, they included flight information in the clue, because Rob knows there's a flight at 9:15, and they have twenty minutes to make it. At this point, I turned to my friend and said, "Oh, they'll make it. Fucking Rob and Amber always make it."

Uchenna and Joyce? Still chopping. Kelly hits the area. As they get into their taxi, Ron beats himself up about doing a bad job with the golfing, saying he deserves a pickaxe through his skull. Ew. Kelly just grins. They're weird. Rob and Amber are at the airport and ask to get onto the flight. It's already boarding and without tickets or even standby, let alone not having been through security, they are denied. "Unbelievable!" Rob yelps as if it's all so unfair. He complains again that the ticket agents may have cost him a million bucks. Of course, their leprechaun luck kicks in again as they discover that the 8:03 flight has been delayed to 9:54, so they can get on that one. "Unbelievable!" I yell, because it's all so unfair. Ron and Kelly show up, and want that flight as well, but it's too late. They'll be on the 12:42 flight. Uchenna and Joyce finally finish chopping their onions. The taxi driver agrees to take them to Rose Hall. He must be doing this on charity at this point. Bless you, taxi driver.

And then, some quick intercuts. Rob and Amber arrive in San Juan. Uchenna and Joyce choose Tee It Up. Rob and Amber get the clue that sends them to the Aguadilla abandoned sugar mine. That so sounds like the title of a Nancy Drew book. The Abandoned Sugar Mine! She was such a snot, wasn't she? And a tease, too. I never knew what Ned Nickerson saw in her. What? Oh, the race. Fine. Ron and Kelly get on their flight to San Juan. The editing would suggest that Uchenna and Joyce hit the area with the golf ball practically right away, but that seems a bit fishy. In the taxi, we see that Joyce still has her golf clothes on. Thief! They get to the airport and get a 4:58 flight to San Juan. Not bad, considering how far behind they were. They do some additional begging. Ugh. Rob and Amber arrive at the sugar mine, and discover that it doesn't open until 7:30 AM. Yep, we all knew there'd be an equalizing point somewhere. The other two teams eventually catch up, so everyone's even again.

The next morning everyone runs in. Roadblock. Whoever takes it has to jump 30 feet into the river, then swim 90 yards to the clue. Easy! Rob and Amber run in the wrong direction. Ron and Uchenna take the Roadblock, and both give a mighty yell as they hurl themselves into the water. Rob and Amber figure out they're in the wrong place. Rob whines AGAIN about this being a million-dollar mistake. I understand you want to win, but if you're so concerned with a million dollars, why don't you sit at home and COUNT THE MILLION DOLLARS YOU ALREADY HAVE? Gah! Stop trying to make us feel bad for you. We don't. Ron and Uchenna reach the clue, which sends them to the final destination city of Miami. Once there, they have to find a clue at the Rickenbacker causeway, which has no special qualities except it's really fun to say "Rickenbacker". Amber jumps. Everyone's driving to the airport. I think the worst thing about this Roadblock would be traveling around in wet clothes. That would drive me batty. Everyone hits a toll booth (not literally, of course), and Ron picks the longest line to get into for some reason, so Rob and Amber are able to take the lead again. They see a sign, and Rob says that the helpful signs really make it easy to navigate. Which of course leads us into the scene where Kelly says "go left". Ron does, and she starts screeching about how he should have gone right. He screeches back about how she told him to go left. She yells at him about not reading the signs. He yells at her about giving him crappy directions. She, knowing that it's completely her fault but not wanting to admit it, tells him to shut up. He tells her to shut up. I sit back and grin smugly, knowing that their fight has cost them a million dollars.

Rob/Amber and Uchenna/Joyce find an 11:15 flight to Miami. There's a 10:00 one, but it is already closed. Rob and Amber buy 11:15 tickets, but then go elsewhere and bargain their way onto the 10:00 one. This show should just be titled Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong. I swear this happens every season. I'm never believing an agent again. Uchenna and Joyce also get an 11:15 ticket, but run for the 10:00 as well. Then, and I still can't believe this, the pilot (who has already pulled away from the gate) comes back and allows Uchenna and Joyce to board. Wow. WOW! Ron and Kelly, their doom now sealed, get tickets on the 11:15.

Miami. The two lead teams head for the causeway. The 11:15 flight is delayed even further to 11:40. Buh bye, Ron and Kelly. Ron and Amber hit the clue first. It sends them to Little Havana, where they have to find the King of the Havanas. What they do not know is that it is a store known by its Spanish name (El Rey de las Havanas). It's located on Calle Ocho (that would be in Spanish, so you'd think one of them would figure out the clue). They ask their cab driver where it is, but he doesn't know (THAT'S for having the guy in Peru lead you around all day). They get to Little Havana, but cannot find the store. Uchenna and Joyce get the clue. Rob and Amber ask again and get bad directions (THAT'S for Sanjay, who did all your navigating in India). Fatefully, Uchenna and Joyce's cab driver asks someone for directions in Spanish, so they get precise directions to the store. Who says foreigners ruin America? They easily find the shop, and the clue that leads them to the finish line, Bonnet House in Fort Lauderdale. Wait, I thought they said Miami was the final destination city. Is Ft. Lauderdale part of Miami? I'm so confused and ashamed. You'd think someone who spent his entire childhood playing Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego? would know this crap. Rob and Amber's driver ditches them as they search for the shop (THAT'S for Stuart in London solving all those riddles for you).

Rob finds what he thinks is the right shop, but it's a tire store. They do find their driver again, though. Uchenna and Joyce don't have enough money to pay the cab driver. They promise to make money along the way. Er...how? Rob and Amber are still lost. Uchenna and Joyce are still poor. Rob and Amber finally find the clue. Ron and Kelly arrive in Miami. Yeah, who cares? Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Bonnet House, but no money has magically materialized during the car ride. Uchenna offers a ring in exchange, but the driver doesn't accept, and is pissed, as he has every right to be. Uchenna and Joyce start hysterically begging from nearby cars. Rob and Amber are on their way to the finish line. Eek! Uchenna and Joyce finally finish paying off the cabbie, and dash towards the finish. Brian and Greg have grown really ugly '70s porn mustaches. Deana looks much better than she did on the race. Patrick is whispering "UchennaandJoyce...UchennaandJoyce" over and over. Uchenna and Joyce are approaching. Lynn and Alex are thrilled. No surprise there. There is yelling. There is screaming. And....kapow! They're on the mat.

Uchenna yowls in victory and thanks all the other teams for the support they've given. When asked about what they'll do with the money, he yells "in vitro, here we come!" which is the weirdest phrase to ever be screeched in ecstasy. After that, he gives a shout-out to adoption, which is nice. All the bases covered as far as Ways To Get A Baby Without Knocking Up Your Wife, they talk about how much they love one another. Debbie rests her head on Bianca's shoulder in a way she thinks is cute, but isn't. Oh, here come Rob and Amber. They get golf claps from the other teams. Ouch. They're good sports as they shake Uchenna and Joyce's hands. Phil talks about what a competitive race they ran. Yeah, no kidding. Rob's upset about not winning, but is happy to have Amber, and congratulates Uchenna and Joyce again. Amber says her next goal in life is to get married (catch it on CBS!) and start a family (be sure to catch that on CBS, too! I'm sure a few years down the road we'll have A Very Special Rob and Amber Thanksgiving, and after that, A Very Special Rob and Amber Funeral). Ron and Kelly arrive some time later, and talk about how they're basically through with each other. Probably not the sweet ending the producers wanted with this couple. Uchenna and Joyce interview about how much they love each other once more, and we are done. Maybe not the most skillful racers ever to win the race, but boy am I relieved.

Overall Grade: B+