Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 7
I love my Saturn, but I wasn't excited to see yet another extended product placement challenge. In tonight's episode, the designers are tasked with making a garment out of car parts. Though they briefly flirt with carburetor bras and such, most of them eventually settle on more workable materials like seatbelts and floormats. Keith spends the entire episode whining that the judges had the gall to criticize his crappy dress last week, and struggles to tone down his messy -- dare I say, Jeffreyesque -- aesthetic to impress them.
A lot of the designers rise to the innovation needed for this challenge a lot better than they did in the supermarket one. Korto makes a beautiful weaving pattern. Jerell's looks futuristic and stylish. Leanne makes a mini-dress from seat covers and a faux feathered neckline. Very cool. Blayne works on a dress made almost entirely out of seatbelts, which has a lot of potential. Especially for him.
Panny: "It's Saturn-licious!"
On the runway, Jerell, Terri, and Korto are the biggest hits with the viewing party, and indeed, Jerell and Korto join Leanne in the top three. Leanne scores her first win, which makes Korto look just as sour as she did when she took second-place last week. On the flip side, Blayne keeps up his track record by taking his good idea and ruining it with poor fit and odd proportions. He winds up in the bottom three with Keith, whose "cleaner" aesthetic is aimless and boring, and Stella, whose top doesn't match the skirt. Stella's really kind of grown on me, and while it would be delightful to punt Blayne and his bad tan and worse taste back home, I'm fine with the actual elimination. Keith shoots himself in the foot by telling the judges that they're asses for giving his garments such harsh criticism. Has he ever seen an episode of this show before? The judges flick him home like a ball of lint, so maybe we're finally free of nasty fringe for the rest of the season.
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Amazing Race 13 - Meet the Teams
Previously on The Amazing Race: A run of crappy seasons threatened to kill my loyalty towards my favorite reality show (I can actually admit I watch this, while the admission that I watch America's Next Top Model must be made sotto voce and with shifty eyes). A sudden upswing in the fantastic twelfth season renewed my faith, but also set me up for inevitable disappointment in the teams cast for the upcoming thirteenth season (premieres Sunday, September 28, 7PM Central). I love to pre-judge, even though I always wind up being wrong in regards to about half of the teams. Let's really hope I am in this case, because after watching the intro video, one thing leaps out. We've got the potential to have a big pile of douchebags on our hands. Time to ferret out the wastes of perfectly good oxygen! Join me, won't you?
Terence and Sarah: She's cute as a button, but his faux-hawk is ill-advised. I know I've whined about faux-hawks before, but the thing is, Richard and Jennifer were both able to pull theirs off pretty well. Terence's just makes him look dippy. Their web bio doesn't make them look too bad, even if it relies heavily on TAR cliches like "prove to themselves whether they belong together". The tease about "dietary restrictions" is intriguing, too. That said, the intro video does not flatter them. New York is a wonderful place, no doubt, but few things irritate me more than New York Snobbery. The biggest symptom of this obnoxious malady is the assumption that commonplace feelings and events only take place in the Big Apple. Sarah says that being from New York is a "strategic advantage", because they're used to having to live their lives on the run. Oh, they've got busy lives and need to be places on time? Only in New York! See what I mean with that?
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate
Marisa and Brooke: "What would The Amazing Race be without a team of blonds?" the announcer asks with amused wonder. Rhetorical as the question is, I have several answers: Interesting. Competitive. Smarter. Better. I don't understand this show's fascination with the Dumb, Cannon-Fodder Blond Woman archetype. KanDustin was a remarkable exception that proves the rule: The Amazing Race blond teams, despite their traditional protestations that they're more than plasticized faces with an affinity for pink, are bad racers with inflated senses of self-worth. That may have been a fun dynamic to watch once or twice, but not in every freaking season. These two certainly aren't angling to shed that image. Right there in the web bio is the idiotic assertion that always appears with these teams: "And if they have to do a little flirting along the way, they're not opposed to that, either". Right, because the flirting strategy worked out so well for Heather and Eve. And Megan and Heidi. And Danielle and Dani. And the IBs.
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate to Extreme
Andrew and Dan: Frat brothers. They seem to be less toolish than your typical TV frat guys, so they've got that going for them. Aside from clearly being too invested in Judd Apatow movies and having goofy majors like "Tourism Management", there's not really much to say about them. This will have to be a wait-and-see team.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Aja and Ty: As mentioned with Terence and Sarah, Amazing Race bios are nothing if not consistent in their use of cliche. We've covered the "use the race to test our relationship" and "flirting with strangers will somehow allow me to scale an ice wall" ones, and now we come to "I'm competitive, which is code for 'I throw an infantile hissyfit the moment things don't go my way'". Of course, Aja and Ty are the only black team in an embarrassingly white-bread season, they seem to mistake "competitive" for "win everything", and they appear at the outset to have nothing in common except for exercise. Sound familiar? I expressed similar disgust with Ray and Yolanda, who turned out to be lovely people and damn fine racers. Let's hope these two will also break free of their unflattering bio.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild to Moderate
Mark and Bill: Geeks are king right now, and The Amazing Race knows when to jump on a good bandwagon. These two are friends who are into science-fiction and gaming, so you know one of them's got to be a Level 70 Druid based in Darnassus. Uh... I mean... I don't know anything about gaming! That stuff's for dorks! OK, fine. I'll admit I have a slight bias towards these two, as they seem perfectly nice, and I also have a pinch of geek in my patchwork personality. It'll be interesting to see how people with such cerebral interests will fare in such a physical contest.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Toni and Dallas: One of the things that made Season 12 so compelling was the number of family teams, which I generally find a lot more interesting than the endless parade of dysfunctional couples. Unfortunately, there are only two family teams this time, and only one of them appears to want to run a race, rather than to get their mugs on television. And here they are! What's funny about these two is that I know a single mom named Toni and I know a tall, wry guy named Dallas. They've never crossed paths, but it's fun to think about them in the same room. Anyhoo, this Toni and this Dallas appear to have a functional family relationship, which is nice to see, as parent/child teams are often fraught with so much psychological baggage, there's no room for the literal baggage. She says she'll fight the natural tendency to boss her kid around, and he's worried she'll embarrass him on multiple continents. Sounds logical.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Nick and Starr: Here's the other family team, and these siblings are thrilled to be on television. Yay! Millions of people will see their photogenic, smiling faces! Oh, and apparently, they'll be running the race as well. Who could have ever imagined that someone named Starr Spangler would like attention? All of this is pure speculation on my part, of course, and they could turn out to be skillful, intelligent racers. They just have that look of being more interested in the camera than the experience. One part of their bio that really chaps my hide isn't their fault. "Nick performs on the New York stage in an Off-Broadway musical called The Fantasticks, while Starr was a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys for the past three seasons." So, a record-holding show that has run for 48 years needs the qualifier "an Off-Broadway musical called...", but the phrase "a football team called..." is nowhere in sight, for obvious reasons. Damn breeders.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Anita and Arthur: Wowsers. There's not much to say about these two that looking at their photo wouldn't explain. What can I add? Frankly, they look like they'd be a blast to hang out with. Older teams don't have the greatest track record, so I suppose we'll just have to enjoy them while they last.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Kelly and Christy: I would love to see an all-female team win the race. I really would. And I believe that the producers would like to see it as well. Why, then, are teams of such obvious ineptitude constantly foisted upon us? It can't be that difficult to find a smart, able all-female team. Cut it out with the cheerleader/pharmaceutical reps already. In their intro video, all they can find to talk about is their makeup. Literally. Not a word is spoken that is unrelated to cosmetics. These two are practically clones of Kellie and Jamie. Remember them? Me neither.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Ken and Tina: It's hard to pick the most annoying thing about these asses. The Bickering Couple archetype is never fun, and these two have all the classic signs. They're married but separated, just as many people on this show with severe personality flaws have been. He's cheated on her, but they have no trouble identifying themselves as strong Christians (and ten will get you twenty that they're the Weaver kind of Christian -- not the Golden Rule kind). So she's a nagging shrew and he's an aggressive tool. Let's hope they can work their marriage out. We don't need people like this in the dating pool. Oh, and if Tina's quote that they'll be "touching lives" across the world doesn't make you giggle nastily, you're a better person than I.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Anthony and Stephanie: If one tiresome, fighting couple isn't enough, have another one! They broke up for a year, but if they make it through the race, Anthony says he'll propose to Stephanie. What a terrific relationship benchmark. In the intro video, they try to pawn off their fighting on their ethnicity, which I didn't accept from Sam, and I won't accept now. At least Ken and Tina are obnoxious and slightly interesting. These two are just plain obnoxious.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Terence and Sarah: She's cute as a button, but his faux-hawk is ill-advised. I know I've whined about faux-hawks before, but the thing is, Richard and Jennifer were both able to pull theirs off pretty well. Terence's just makes him look dippy. Their web bio doesn't make them look too bad, even if it relies heavily on TAR cliches like "prove to themselves whether they belong together". The tease about "dietary restrictions" is intriguing, too. That said, the intro video does not flatter them. New York is a wonderful place, no doubt, but few things irritate me more than New York Snobbery. The biggest symptom of this obnoxious malady is the assumption that commonplace feelings and events only take place in the Big Apple. Sarah says that being from New York is a "strategic advantage", because they're used to having to live their lives on the run. Oh, they've got busy lives and need to be places on time? Only in New York! See what I mean with that?
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate
Marisa and Brooke: "What would The Amazing Race be without a team of blonds?" the announcer asks with amused wonder. Rhetorical as the question is, I have several answers: Interesting. Competitive. Smarter. Better. I don't understand this show's fascination with the Dumb, Cannon-Fodder Blond Woman archetype. KanDustin was a remarkable exception that proves the rule: The Amazing Race blond teams, despite their traditional protestations that they're more than plasticized faces with an affinity for pink, are bad racers with inflated senses of self-worth. That may have been a fun dynamic to watch once or twice, but not in every freaking season. These two certainly aren't angling to shed that image. Right there in the web bio is the idiotic assertion that always appears with these teams: "And if they have to do a little flirting along the way, they're not opposed to that, either". Right, because the flirting strategy worked out so well for Heather and Eve. And Megan and Heidi. And Danielle and Dani. And the IBs.
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate to Extreme
Andrew and Dan: Frat brothers. They seem to be less toolish than your typical TV frat guys, so they've got that going for them. Aside from clearly being too invested in Judd Apatow movies and having goofy majors like "Tourism Management", there's not really much to say about them. This will have to be a wait-and-see team.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Aja and Ty: As mentioned with Terence and Sarah, Amazing Race bios are nothing if not consistent in their use of cliche. We've covered the "use the race to test our relationship" and "flirting with strangers will somehow allow me to scale an ice wall" ones, and now we come to "I'm competitive, which is code for 'I throw an infantile hissyfit the moment things don't go my way'". Of course, Aja and Ty are the only black team in an embarrassingly white-bread season, they seem to mistake "competitive" for "win everything", and they appear at the outset to have nothing in common except for exercise. Sound familiar? I expressed similar disgust with Ray and Yolanda, who turned out to be lovely people and damn fine racers. Let's hope these two will also break free of their unflattering bio.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild to Moderate
Mark and Bill: Geeks are king right now, and The Amazing Race knows when to jump on a good bandwagon. These two are friends who are into science-fiction and gaming, so you know one of them's got to be a Level 70 Druid based in Darnassus. Uh... I mean... I don't know anything about gaming! That stuff's for dorks! OK, fine. I'll admit I have a slight bias towards these two, as they seem perfectly nice, and I also have a pinch of geek in my patchwork personality. It'll be interesting to see how people with such cerebral interests will fare in such a physical contest.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Toni and Dallas: One of the things that made Season 12 so compelling was the number of family teams, which I generally find a lot more interesting than the endless parade of dysfunctional couples. Unfortunately, there are only two family teams this time, and only one of them appears to want to run a race, rather than to get their mugs on television. And here they are! What's funny about these two is that I know a single mom named Toni and I know a tall, wry guy named Dallas. They've never crossed paths, but it's fun to think about them in the same room. Anyhoo, this Toni and this Dallas appear to have a functional family relationship, which is nice to see, as parent/child teams are often fraught with so much psychological baggage, there's no room for the literal baggage. She says she'll fight the natural tendency to boss her kid around, and he's worried she'll embarrass him on multiple continents. Sounds logical.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Nick and Starr: Here's the other family team, and these siblings are thrilled to be on television. Yay! Millions of people will see their photogenic, smiling faces! Oh, and apparently, they'll be running the race as well. Who could have ever imagined that someone named Starr Spangler would like attention? All of this is pure speculation on my part, of course, and they could turn out to be skillful, intelligent racers. They just have that look of being more interested in the camera than the experience. One part of their bio that really chaps my hide isn't their fault. "Nick performs on the New York stage in an Off-Broadway musical called The Fantasticks, while Starr was a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys for the past three seasons." So, a record-holding show that has run for 48 years needs the qualifier "an Off-Broadway musical called...", but the phrase "a football team called..." is nowhere in sight, for obvious reasons. Damn breeders.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Anita and Arthur: Wowsers. There's not much to say about these two that looking at their photo wouldn't explain. What can I add? Frankly, they look like they'd be a blast to hang out with. Older teams don't have the greatest track record, so I suppose we'll just have to enjoy them while they last.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Kelly and Christy: I would love to see an all-female team win the race. I really would. And I believe that the producers would like to see it as well. Why, then, are teams of such obvious ineptitude constantly foisted upon us? It can't be that difficult to find a smart, able all-female team. Cut it out with the cheerleader/pharmaceutical reps already. In their intro video, all they can find to talk about is their makeup. Literally. Not a word is spoken that is unrelated to cosmetics. These two are practically clones of Kellie and Jamie. Remember them? Me neither.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Ken and Tina: It's hard to pick the most annoying thing about these asses. The Bickering Couple archetype is never fun, and these two have all the classic signs. They're married but separated, just as many people on this show with severe personality flaws have been. He's cheated on her, but they have no trouble identifying themselves as strong Christians (and ten will get you twenty that they're the Weaver kind of Christian -- not the Golden Rule kind). So she's a nagging shrew and he's an aggressive tool. Let's hope they can work their marriage out. We don't need people like this in the dating pool. Oh, and if Tina's quote that they'll be "touching lives" across the world doesn't make you giggle nastily, you're a better person than I.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Anthony and Stephanie: If one tiresome, fighting couple isn't enough, have another one! They broke up for a year, but if they make it through the race, Anthony says he'll propose to Stephanie. What a terrific relationship benchmark. In the intro video, they try to pawn off their fighting on their ethnicity, which I didn't accept from Sam, and I won't accept now. At least Ken and Tina are obnoxious and slightly interesting. These two are just plain obnoxious.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Saturday, August 23, 2008
What a Drag
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 6
The Amazing Race has gone through a few lackluster seasons, and still managed to pull itself together. Thus, I'm not prepared to write Project Runway off, but DAMN. When was the last interesting episode? The one where Laura accused Jeffrey of cheating? It sure has been a while.
Even tonight, when the delightful challenge is to design a costumey, over-the-top outfit for a drag queen, this group of duds manages to make it dull. The one time the designers are given permission to go completely wild, and are guaranteed not to be told to tone it down, and 80% of them put me to sleep. Yawn. The designers are told to make a drag queen outfit that fits their particular queen's persona. Suede decides to do exactly the opposite. He asks his queen's opinion, then proceeds to not only ignore it, but to take active offense to it. Suede, honey... I've seen your queen decimate one of the most powerful men in gay porn on stage, then send him back to his seat like a puppy. She could take a third-person-spewing reality show wannabe in her sleep.
When they come out onto the runway, most of these dresses don't even rate a mention. I will say that Terri doesn't particularly deserve to be in the top three, which she is, and Jerell doesn't particularly deserve to be in the bottom three, which he is. Still, it turns out not to matter, as both the winner and loser are well-chosen. Joe... You know, the straight one? Yeah, apparently, he was the only guy to actually listen to that whole "make an outfit to fit your client's persona" direction, and creates a Barbie-pink sailor suit that his queen sells the shit out of on the runway. He takes the much-deserved win, along with immunity for next week. Meanwhile, Keith and Daniel join Jerell in the bottom three, and Daniel, who has been circling the drain since Day One, is finally cut loose for making yet another boring cocktail dress. It's about time. He's a "designer" in the way that someone who can only make scrambled eggs is a "chef".
Overall Grade: C+
The Amazing Race has gone through a few lackluster seasons, and still managed to pull itself together. Thus, I'm not prepared to write Project Runway off, but DAMN. When was the last interesting episode? The one where Laura accused Jeffrey of cheating? It sure has been a while.
Even tonight, when the delightful challenge is to design a costumey, over-the-top outfit for a drag queen, this group of duds manages to make it dull. The one time the designers are given permission to go completely wild, and are guaranteed not to be told to tone it down, and 80% of them put me to sleep. Yawn. The designers are told to make a drag queen outfit that fits their particular queen's persona. Suede decides to do exactly the opposite. He asks his queen's opinion, then proceeds to not only ignore it, but to take active offense to it. Suede, honey... I've seen your queen decimate one of the most powerful men in gay porn on stage, then send him back to his seat like a puppy. She could take a third-person-spewing reality show wannabe in her sleep.
When they come out onto the runway, most of these dresses don't even rate a mention. I will say that Terri doesn't particularly deserve to be in the top three, which she is, and Jerell doesn't particularly deserve to be in the bottom three, which he is. Still, it turns out not to matter, as both the winner and loser are well-chosen. Joe... You know, the straight one? Yeah, apparently, he was the only guy to actually listen to that whole "make an outfit to fit your client's persona" direction, and creates a Barbie-pink sailor suit that his queen sells the shit out of on the runway. He takes the much-deserved win, along with immunity for next week. Meanwhile, Keith and Daniel join Jerell in the bottom three, and Daniel, who has been circling the drain since Day One, is finally cut loose for making yet another boring cocktail dress. It's about time. He's a "designer" in the way that someone who can only make scrambled eggs is a "chef".
Overall Grade: C+
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
The Ew Lagoon
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 5
This week, the designers are tasked with making a garment for a high-powered, chic woman, whom we already know is Brooke Shields from last week's preview. What we didn't know is that this outfit should be a day-to-evening look for her character on that show that nobody I know watches, and was inexplicably picked up for a second season. The winning designer won't get immunity, but Brooke will wear the outfit on the air, thereby ensuring that the designer's work will be seen by at least thirteen people. As an added "twist", the designers work in teams of two. They all pitch their ideas to Brooke, who then selects six of them to be team leaders.
Blayne is chosen (probably because Brooke is afraid he'll eat her liver if he weren't), and picks Leanne as his teammate. Keith dazzles Brooke with talk of ruffles, and selects Kenley. Terri wows Brooke with pants, and selects Suede. Brooke enjoys Korto's color palette, and Korto picks Joe. Kelli promises a sophisticated top, and picks Daniel. That leaves Jerell with Stella.
As with most team challenges, the kids can't play nice together, though Jerell and Stella are a surprising exception. Korto accuses Joe of backstabbing her to Tim (though they talk it out afterwards). Kelli won't accept Daniel's lopsided mess of a skirt. Terri becomes four kinds of awesome when she questions Suede's genitals and swears that she won't allow him to suckle at her teat. Kenley and her buttoned-down aesthetic try to reign in Keith's preoccupation with flutter. Leanne keeps her mouth shut and allows Blayne to misjudge the entire challenge, as he's done pretty much every week. Something good does come of the conflict, as Joe's concerns convince Korto to pull in a jacket that was looking very Golden Girls - Season 2, and Terri/Suede make some improvements to a top that can only get incrementally better, thanks to some fugly fabric.
Limecrete: "I think it's impossible to make that fabric look good."
Ana Warpath: "Yeah, that's some serious Fashion Bug shit right there."
On the runway, a lot of the looks come out better than expected. Korto and Joe have made their dress look less saggy and shapeless, except around the bustline, which is awful. Kelli and Daniel's is blah. Keith and Kenley's is okay, but I don't think the top and bottom match, color-wise. Terri and Suede's is as good as that nasty fabric can get. Blayne's design is the least tacky thing he's ever made, but it in no way adheres to the challenge. If this week were about beach-wear, he'd be in good shape, but businesswomen attend neither their jobs nor their evening parties in shorts. Jerell and Stella actually pull out a very cool garment, which blows me away, considering they're individually responsible for this:
And this:
In the end, Jerell/Stella and Keith/Kenley are the top two teams, with Keith getting an extremely undeserved win. Kelli and Daniel's outfit is declared a lot tackier than I think it is (though it certainly doesn't wow me), and they wind up in the bottom with Blayne and Leanne. Kelli does her best to get Daniel auf'd, saying that even if the design wasn't to the judges' tastes, she's got a hell of a lot more potential than Daniel (which, yeah). Daniel, sounding more and more like Kip with every passing week, snots that he has impeccable taste, which causes Kenley to crack up with contempt. Awesome. As usual, none of the construction was bad enough to lay the blame on the helpers, so Daniel and Leanne are declared safe. Leave it to Blayne to make his least horrible outfit this week, causing Kelli to be chopped. Boo! Blayne ruins everything.
Overall Grade: B+
This week, the designers are tasked with making a garment for a high-powered, chic woman, whom we already know is Brooke Shields from last week's preview. What we didn't know is that this outfit should be a day-to-evening look for her character on that show that nobody I know watches, and was inexplicably picked up for a second season. The winning designer won't get immunity, but Brooke will wear the outfit on the air, thereby ensuring that the designer's work will be seen by at least thirteen people. As an added "twist", the designers work in teams of two. They all pitch their ideas to Brooke, who then selects six of them to be team leaders.
Blayne is chosen (probably because Brooke is afraid he'll eat her liver if he weren't), and picks Leanne as his teammate. Keith dazzles Brooke with talk of ruffles, and selects Kenley. Terri wows Brooke with pants, and selects Suede. Brooke enjoys Korto's color palette, and Korto picks Joe. Kelli promises a sophisticated top, and picks Daniel. That leaves Jerell with Stella.
As with most team challenges, the kids can't play nice together, though Jerell and Stella are a surprising exception. Korto accuses Joe of backstabbing her to Tim (though they talk it out afterwards). Kelli won't accept Daniel's lopsided mess of a skirt. Terri becomes four kinds of awesome when she questions Suede's genitals and swears that she won't allow him to suckle at her teat. Kenley and her buttoned-down aesthetic try to reign in Keith's preoccupation with flutter. Leanne keeps her mouth shut and allows Blayne to misjudge the entire challenge, as he's done pretty much every week. Something good does come of the conflict, as Joe's concerns convince Korto to pull in a jacket that was looking very Golden Girls - Season 2, and Terri/Suede make some improvements to a top that can only get incrementally better, thanks to some fugly fabric.
Limecrete: "I think it's impossible to make that fabric look good."
Ana Warpath: "Yeah, that's some serious Fashion Bug shit right there."
On the runway, a lot of the looks come out better than expected. Korto and Joe have made their dress look less saggy and shapeless, except around the bustline, which is awful. Kelli and Daniel's is blah. Keith and Kenley's is okay, but I don't think the top and bottom match, color-wise. Terri and Suede's is as good as that nasty fabric can get. Blayne's design is the least tacky thing he's ever made, but it in no way adheres to the challenge. If this week were about beach-wear, he'd be in good shape, but businesswomen attend neither their jobs nor their evening parties in shorts. Jerell and Stella actually pull out a very cool garment, which blows me away, considering they're individually responsible for this:
And this:
In the end, Jerell/Stella and Keith/Kenley are the top two teams, with Keith getting an extremely undeserved win. Kelli and Daniel's outfit is declared a lot tackier than I think it is (though it certainly doesn't wow me), and they wind up in the bottom with Blayne and Leanne. Kelli does her best to get Daniel auf'd, saying that even if the design wasn't to the judges' tastes, she's got a hell of a lot more potential than Daniel (which, yeah). Daniel, sounding more and more like Kip with every passing week, snots that he has impeccable taste, which causes Kenley to crack up with contempt. Awesome. As usual, none of the construction was bad enough to lay the blame on the helpers, so Daniel and Leanne are declared safe. Leave it to Blayne to make his least horrible outfit this week, causing Kelli to be chopped. Boo! Blayne ruins everything.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Passing the Torch
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 4
The bad news is that Timiffany's DVR cut off the first fifteen minutes of this episode. The good news is that it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. The gist of this one is easily picked up. The designers are tasked with making an outfit suitable for United States athletes to wear at the Olympic opening ceremonies. Based on some of the garments we'll see later, some of the designers were apparently composing their grocery lists or thinking about how much they like pudding instead of listening.
Our viewing party joins the episode in the middle of a bunch of people whining about Kenley's annoying laugh. Normally, I'd be on her side on this one, but I've worked in offices with laughers; it really does get old quickly. Korto tells us about her background, and while her story of leaving Liberia with her family is touching, it's certainly no Laotian family prison. That dispensed with, Joe snipes at Daniel for threading one of the sewing machines with red thread. I've never understood why each designer doesn't just get their own machine that nobody else can use without permission, but then I guess we wouldn't get scintillating scenes like this one. So Joe yells at Daniel for not psychically divining which machine Joe uses. Daniel fails to fall over himself to apologize, so Joe goes into the workroom and gossips about how horrible Daniel is for this, having the temerity to give a world-weary sigh about all the drama the gay designers create. Um...Joe? The only fit-throwing priss I see right now is you.
Standouts on the runway include Korto, Keith, and Terri. We pause for a while on Terri's garment, as it looks like either her model's boobs have been shoved sideways, or her nipples have been digitally erased. A lot of designers, such as Kelli, make pretty clothing that is completely unsuitable for the challenge; I doubt our nation's athletes are going to stride into the opening ceremonies in cocktail dresses. Joe, unsurprisingly, takes the sports aspect more seriously, and winds up in the top three, along with Terri and Korto. Korto wins the challenge and immunity.
Daniel's dress isn't athletic in the least, and his saturated blue fabric comes off as purple on the runway. Jennifer makezzz..... Jerell's outfit is downright hideous. Yes, the one he's wearing, but especially the one he's made. It'd be like describing the Olympics to the Little House on the Prairie characters, and asking them to make a dress based on what they've just heard. Though I wouldn't be sad to see him go, Jennifer's reign of bland cannot be ignored any longer, and she gets the heave-ho. I've already forgotten her.
Overall Grade: B-
The bad news is that Timiffany's DVR cut off the first fifteen minutes of this episode. The good news is that it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. The gist of this one is easily picked up. The designers are tasked with making an outfit suitable for United States athletes to wear at the Olympic opening ceremonies. Based on some of the garments we'll see later, some of the designers were apparently composing their grocery lists or thinking about how much they like pudding instead of listening.
Our viewing party joins the episode in the middle of a bunch of people whining about Kenley's annoying laugh. Normally, I'd be on her side on this one, but I've worked in offices with laughers; it really does get old quickly. Korto tells us about her background, and while her story of leaving Liberia with her family is touching, it's certainly no Laotian family prison. That dispensed with, Joe snipes at Daniel for threading one of the sewing machines with red thread. I've never understood why each designer doesn't just get their own machine that nobody else can use without permission, but then I guess we wouldn't get scintillating scenes like this one. So Joe yells at Daniel for not psychically divining which machine Joe uses. Daniel fails to fall over himself to apologize, so Joe goes into the workroom and gossips about how horrible Daniel is for this, having the temerity to give a world-weary sigh about all the drama the gay designers create. Um...Joe? The only fit-throwing priss I see right now is you.
Standouts on the runway include Korto, Keith, and Terri. We pause for a while on Terri's garment, as it looks like either her model's boobs have been shoved sideways, or her nipples have been digitally erased. A lot of designers, such as Kelli, make pretty clothing that is completely unsuitable for the challenge; I doubt our nation's athletes are going to stride into the opening ceremonies in cocktail dresses. Joe, unsurprisingly, takes the sports aspect more seriously, and winds up in the top three, along with Terri and Korto. Korto wins the challenge and immunity.
Daniel's dress isn't athletic in the least, and his saturated blue fabric comes off as purple on the runway. Jennifer makezzz..... Jerell's outfit is downright hideous. Yes, the one he's wearing, but especially the one he's made. It'd be like describing the Olympics to the Little House on the Prairie characters, and asking them to make a dress based on what they've just heard. Though I wouldn't be sad to see him go, Jennifer's reign of bland cannot be ignored any longer, and she gets the heave-ho. I've already forgotten her.
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, July 31, 2008
She Loves the Nightlife, She's Got to Boogie
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 3
This season's batch of contestants sure are shaping up to be some of the tritest famewhores ever, aren't they? Suede is still obnoxiously referring to himself in the third person, Blayne is still obnoxiously trying to coin a catchphrase, Stella is still obnoxiously squawking about how "rock and roll" she is (nothing with shades of Jeffrey is a positive thing), and Keith lives up to my first episode prediction by saying that he's not here to make friends. What a fresh outlook!
Anyhow, the designers are told that Tim is taking them out for a night on the town. They appear to take Heidi at her word, and if that's true, they're not only trite, but idiotic. The "night out" is really a bus tour of the city, during which the designers are told to take pictures that will inspire their next garment.
The gowns are constructed. Nothing interesting happens.
Runway show. Everyone at the viewing party enjoys Jerell's dress and hates Jennifer's. LabRat and Tiffany like Leanne's a great deal more than I do, but I do have to admit that it's far better than her uggo dress last week. Everyone else's is fair to middling, except Emily's poorly-placed ruffle and Blayne, who has yet to make something that isn't supremely tacky. The judges put Terri, Kenley, and Leanne in the top three, with Kenley's Dynasty-lookin' garment taking the win. I don't know; it certainly wasn't a contender for the bottom three, but I really didn't like the prairie neckline and huge shoulders. Keith, Emily, and Jennifer sink to the bottom, and in a fairly shocking elimination, Emily is sent packing. That ruffle was unsuccessful, but at least it had a point of view. I would have rather seen Jennifer go. She has to be the dullest contestant to date, with designs to match.
Overall Grade: C
This season's batch of contestants sure are shaping up to be some of the tritest famewhores ever, aren't they? Suede is still obnoxiously referring to himself in the third person, Blayne is still obnoxiously trying to coin a catchphrase, Stella is still obnoxiously squawking about how "rock and roll" she is (nothing with shades of Jeffrey is a positive thing), and Keith lives up to my first episode prediction by saying that he's not here to make friends. What a fresh outlook!
Anyhow, the designers are told that Tim is taking them out for a night on the town. They appear to take Heidi at her word, and if that's true, they're not only trite, but idiotic. The "night out" is really a bus tour of the city, during which the designers are told to take pictures that will inspire their next garment.
The gowns are constructed. Nothing interesting happens.
Runway show. Everyone at the viewing party enjoys Jerell's dress and hates Jennifer's. LabRat and Tiffany like Leanne's a great deal more than I do, but I do have to admit that it's far better than her uggo dress last week. Everyone else's is fair to middling, except Emily's poorly-placed ruffle and Blayne, who has yet to make something that isn't supremely tacky. The judges put Terri, Kenley, and Leanne in the top three, with Kenley's Dynasty-lookin' garment taking the win. I don't know; it certainly wasn't a contender for the bottom three, but I really didn't like the prairie neckline and huge shoulders. Keith, Emily, and Jennifer sink to the bottom, and in a fairly shocking elimination, Emily is sent packing. That ruffle was unsuccessful, but at least it had a point of view. I would have rather seen Jennifer go. She has to be the dullest contestant to date, with designs to match.
Overall Grade: C
Thursday, July 24, 2008
It's Not Easy Bein' Green
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 2
Tonight's episode kicks off with the traditional model selection, and we notice that this year's crop of models is a lot prettier than in the past couple of seasons. Good casting. This general cloud of beauty makes Jerell's consternation all the more confusing when someone yoinks the girl he's worked with for all of one challenge.
Tiffany: "Does he think he's going to get the fat, ugly one?"
The models aren't just for show this week. The designers are tasked with creating a cocktail dress for their model, made out of green fabrics. That's "green" as in environmentally responsible, not "green" as in...green. As a further twist, the models are the ones taken shopping. The restriction of using eco-fabric makes the selection somewhat slim, and a few of the models wind up with the same copper-colored material.
Back at the workroom, Stella ignores her model's wishes, while everyone else makes fun of her wish that every challenge incorporated leather. Suede annoys everyone by talking in the third-person, which is such an outdated personality flaw, it's not even enjoyable to make fun of anymore. Korto confounds Tim by putting darts on the outside of her garment, and Leanne wants to separate herself from the other two copper material dresses by making hers really ugly. OK, maybe that's not what she wants, but it's what she does.
The runway show begins, with Natalie Portman as guest judge. The viewing party's favorites include Keith, Terri, Joe, and Kenley, so of course the judges ignore three of them. They decree Kenley, Stella, and Suede as the top three. OK, Stella really did pull out a fairly impressive dress, but Suede? Really? Yes, really. In fact, so really that he wins, and his outfit will be sold to the public, despite the fact that only Courtney Love and Bjork will buy one. Meanwhile, Korto, Wesley, and Leanne drop to the bottom three. Again, huh? Maybe Korto's inside-out darts didn't work out the way they were supposed to, but her dress is a thousand times prettier than Blayne's trashy, '80s-prom-lookin' hooker-wear. The other two are legitimately fug. Leanne's dress has way too much going on, and Wesley's is a tacky, ill-fitting mess. It's enough of a mess that he gets eliminated, and I experience a moment of regret, as Wesley's fairly cute. Then I notice that he's wearing a gray jacket over a blue shirt, tan shorts, and FIRE ENGINE RED shoes. All right, go ahead and eliminate him. Nobody with taste that bad deserves to stick around.
Overall Grade: B
Tonight's episode kicks off with the traditional model selection, and we notice that this year's crop of models is a lot prettier than in the past couple of seasons. Good casting. This general cloud of beauty makes Jerell's consternation all the more confusing when someone yoinks the girl he's worked with for all of one challenge.
Tiffany: "Does he think he's going to get the fat, ugly one?"
The models aren't just for show this week. The designers are tasked with creating a cocktail dress for their model, made out of green fabrics. That's "green" as in environmentally responsible, not "green" as in...green. As a further twist, the models are the ones taken shopping. The restriction of using eco-fabric makes the selection somewhat slim, and a few of the models wind up with the same copper-colored material.
Back at the workroom, Stella ignores her model's wishes, while everyone else makes fun of her wish that every challenge incorporated leather. Suede annoys everyone by talking in the third-person, which is such an outdated personality flaw, it's not even enjoyable to make fun of anymore. Korto confounds Tim by putting darts on the outside of her garment, and Leanne wants to separate herself from the other two copper material dresses by making hers really ugly. OK, maybe that's not what she wants, but it's what she does.
The runway show begins, with Natalie Portman as guest judge. The viewing party's favorites include Keith, Terri, Joe, and Kenley, so of course the judges ignore three of them. They decree Kenley, Stella, and Suede as the top three. OK, Stella really did pull out a fairly impressive dress, but Suede? Really? Yes, really. In fact, so really that he wins, and his outfit will be sold to the public, despite the fact that only Courtney Love and Bjork will buy one. Meanwhile, Korto, Wesley, and Leanne drop to the bottom three. Again, huh? Maybe Korto's inside-out darts didn't work out the way they were supposed to, but her dress is a thousand times prettier than Blayne's trashy, '80s-prom-lookin' hooker-wear. The other two are legitimately fug. Leanne's dress has way too much going on, and Wesley's is a tacky, ill-fitting mess. It's enough of a mess that he gets eliminated, and I experience a moment of regret, as Wesley's fairly cute. Then I notice that he's wearing a gray jacket over a blue shirt, tan shorts, and FIRE ENGINE RED shoes. All right, go ahead and eliminate him. Nobody with taste that bad deserves to stick around.
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Supermarket Sweep
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 1
Welcome to the kickoff of the new Project Runway season, which for the most part gets started like...every other season of Project Runway. Timiffany's DVR actually cut off the first few minutes, but I assume that I didn't miss much. Let me guess. So-and-so has a "passion for fashion". Clothes are so-and-so's life. So-and-so gave up a lot to be here. Oh, and so-and-so? Not here to make friends:
When we join the program already in progress, the traditional toast on the roof is still going on, and we've missed several people's names. Eh, it's not that important yet. There's that one guy, and that nondescript girl, and that cute guy, and the quiet guy, and those guys who mistakenly think they're edgy, and a dude who needs to start over from gene #1, and a lady with really bad hair, and apparently, an extra from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
The first challenge, which is always about innovation, is lifted wholesale from the first challenge of the first season. I actually haven't seen the first season yet, so it's all good by me. Austin, who you'll remember won that challenge in the days of yore, is on-hand to guest judge the new designers, who have half an hour and $75 to shop for supplies in a grocery store. I guess the new crop of kids hasn't bothered to watch any of the previous seasons, because while it's totally obvious that creativity is the main focus of the challenge, many of them just pick up tablecloths and call it a day. During the construction phase, Tim Gunn blasts them all for being boring slackers, and it's a welcome return to form after episode upon episode of Tim muttering his catchphrases and leaving.
Stella has bought garbage bags to construct her dress, and is upset to discover that they're not as durable as she'd like. She falls apart during construction, having thoroughly convinced herself that she's painted herself into a corner. Terri does something very fetching with mop heads, which was an appropriate choice of material, given her hairstyle. Kelli makes a beautiful, creative dress out of paper, dye, and bleach, which Kender knew from the moment she started would turn out lovely. How does she do that? Korto is one of the chagrined tablecloth users, but she spruces up her bodice with kale and cherry tomatoes, turning out to be the sole designer to use produce. Daniel irons blue plastic cups to melt into a dress shape, which doesn't look promising at first, but really comes together. Blayne is the love child of Kato Kaelin and Gretchen Weiners. He never tires of patting himself on the back, even as he constructs a fugly mess that looks like the model just put on a jumbo Depends diaper. Jerry creates what he calls a "raincoat" over a "summer dress", but which Panny more accurately describes as "something you'd wear to clean up a crime scene". I'm not sure how he was able to pull off something boring and ugly simultaneously.
After the runway show, Kelli, Korto, and Daniel are declared the top three, while Stella, Jerry, and Blayne sink to the bottom. I find Kelli's coffee-filter-boob-explosion bodice a bit distracting, but fully support her win and attendant immunity, because the skirt part is so lovely. Stella thinks she's toast, but in a pleasant surprise, she's spared so that Jerry is booted for his raincoat monstrosity. Hey, I actually agree with both the winner and the loser! And the challenge was an actual challenge! This is a much more promising start than last season's snoozer.
Overall Grade: B+
Welcome to the kickoff of the new Project Runway season, which for the most part gets started like...every other season of Project Runway. Timiffany's DVR actually cut off the first few minutes, but I assume that I didn't miss much. Let me guess. So-and-so has a "passion for fashion". Clothes are so-and-so's life. So-and-so gave up a lot to be here. Oh, and so-and-so? Not here to make friends:
When we join the program already in progress, the traditional toast on the roof is still going on, and we've missed several people's names. Eh, it's not that important yet. There's that one guy, and that nondescript girl, and that cute guy, and the quiet guy, and those guys who mistakenly think they're edgy, and a dude who needs to start over from gene #1, and a lady with really bad hair, and apparently, an extra from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
The first challenge, which is always about innovation, is lifted wholesale from the first challenge of the first season. I actually haven't seen the first season yet, so it's all good by me. Austin, who you'll remember won that challenge in the days of yore, is on-hand to guest judge the new designers, who have half an hour and $75 to shop for supplies in a grocery store. I guess the new crop of kids hasn't bothered to watch any of the previous seasons, because while it's totally obvious that creativity is the main focus of the challenge, many of them just pick up tablecloths and call it a day. During the construction phase, Tim Gunn blasts them all for being boring slackers, and it's a welcome return to form after episode upon episode of Tim muttering his catchphrases and leaving.
Stella has bought garbage bags to construct her dress, and is upset to discover that they're not as durable as she'd like. She falls apart during construction, having thoroughly convinced herself that she's painted herself into a corner. Terri does something very fetching with mop heads, which was an appropriate choice of material, given her hairstyle. Kelli makes a beautiful, creative dress out of paper, dye, and bleach, which Kender knew from the moment she started would turn out lovely. How does she do that? Korto is one of the chagrined tablecloth users, but she spruces up her bodice with kale and cherry tomatoes, turning out to be the sole designer to use produce. Daniel irons blue plastic cups to melt into a dress shape, which doesn't look promising at first, but really comes together. Blayne is the love child of Kato Kaelin and Gretchen Weiners. He never tires of patting himself on the back, even as he constructs a fugly mess that looks like the model just put on a jumbo Depends diaper. Jerry creates what he calls a "raincoat" over a "summer dress", but which Panny more accurately describes as "something you'd wear to clean up a crime scene". I'm not sure how he was able to pull off something boring and ugly simultaneously.
After the runway show, Kelli, Korto, and Daniel are declared the top three, while Stella, Jerry, and Blayne sink to the bottom. I find Kelli's coffee-filter-boob-explosion bodice a bit distracting, but fully support her win and attendant immunity, because the skirt part is so lovely. Stella thinks she's toast, but in a pleasant surprise, she's spared so that Jerry is booted for his raincoat monstrosity. Hey, I actually agree with both the winner and the loser! And the challenge was an actual challenge! This is a much more promising start than last season's snoozer.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Finale - Part II
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 14
Well, a combination of no time and little inclination to relive poor Antonia's elimination has made me fall behind on converting last week's episode to the long recap. Tonight's finale cheered me, so I'll be sure to go back and complete the series soon.
As with most finales, the final challenge is to cook a four-course meal in whatever style the chefs like. The first hitch is that they must each select a celebrity sous chef, each of whom come with their own basket of specific proteins. From there, the chefs must do a fish course, a poultry course, a meat course, and a dessert.
All three meals have high points and low points, but as with Casey's flameout, Richard kind of loses it at the last minute, leaving Stephanie and Lisa to battle over the ultimate title, with each of them having the favorite in two of the courses. Thankfully, Stephanie scores the win she richly deserves, which has the additional benefit of not throwing the world into the Apocalypse it would surely enter if Lisa had won.
Well, a combination of no time and little inclination to relive poor Antonia's elimination has made me fall behind on converting last week's episode to the long recap. Tonight's finale cheered me, so I'll be sure to go back and complete the series soon.
As with most finales, the final challenge is to cook a four-course meal in whatever style the chefs like. The first hitch is that they must each select a celebrity sous chef, each of whom come with their own basket of specific proteins. From there, the chefs must do a fish course, a poultry course, a meat course, and a dessert.
All three meals have high points and low points, but as with Casey's flameout, Richard kind of loses it at the last minute, leaving Stephanie and Lisa to battle over the ultimate title, with each of them having the favorite in two of the courses. Thankfully, Stephanie scores the win she richly deserves, which has the additional benefit of not throwing the world into the Apocalypse it would surely enter if Lisa had won.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Puerto Rico
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 13
Boo! From the moment this episode started, I had a sinking feeling that something bad was coming, and that instinct was unfortunately proven right.
The final four meet in Puerto Rico. Lisa's gotten most of her hair chopped off, and the resulting effect is less than successful. The chefs dive right into the Quickfire, which involves making two preparations of fried plantains. Antonia and Richard are the bottom two, which leaves Lisa and Stephanie in the top. Stephanie breaks with tradition by actually winning for once, so that's nice.
After a pointless segment in which the chefs just kind of hang out for the afternoon, Padma explains that for the Elimination Challenge, each chef must break down an entire pig, and make two dishes from different parts of it. To help the chefs out, the last four eliminated contestants are brought back as sous chefs, and Stephanie's Quickfire advantage is to assign who gets whom. She is not Spike, so she actually tries to pair people that will work well together, if possible. She takes Dale, and puts Nikki with Antonia, Spike with Richard, and Andrew with Lisa. All of the pairings work out as harmoniously as can be expected, though Andrew is still not happy with Lisa for selling him out to the judges.
Dale accidentally leaves some of Stephanie's pork sitting out all night, and when it's discovered, she's a lot calmer and nicer about it than she could have been, so good on her for that. She recovers well, and throws together a pig skin salad that is quite popular with the judges. She and Richard take the top two spots, with Richard winning the challenge and a car to go with it. Schmancy! Lisa and Antonia sink to the bottom, and Lisa's odd ability to jinx the person she goes to losers' table with continues unabated, as Antonia is sent home. Sniff. Stephanie and Richard don't have a moment to get over the shock before Lisa jumps down their throats for not being thrilled for her, which is of course two seconds before she turns around and whines to us that this isn't a popularity contest. Sure it isn't, sweetie. You sailed into the final three with that awesome cooking prowess; not because you're a total trainwreck.
Boo! From the moment this episode started, I had a sinking feeling that something bad was coming, and that instinct was unfortunately proven right.
The final four meet in Puerto Rico. Lisa's gotten most of her hair chopped off, and the resulting effect is less than successful. The chefs dive right into the Quickfire, which involves making two preparations of fried plantains. Antonia and Richard are the bottom two, which leaves Lisa and Stephanie in the top. Stephanie breaks with tradition by actually winning for once, so that's nice.
After a pointless segment in which the chefs just kind of hang out for the afternoon, Padma explains that for the Elimination Challenge, each chef must break down an entire pig, and make two dishes from different parts of it. To help the chefs out, the last four eliminated contestants are brought back as sous chefs, and Stephanie's Quickfire advantage is to assign who gets whom. She is not Spike, so she actually tries to pair people that will work well together, if possible. She takes Dale, and puts Nikki with Antonia, Spike with Richard, and Andrew with Lisa. All of the pairings work out as harmoniously as can be expected, though Andrew is still not happy with Lisa for selling him out to the judges.
Dale accidentally leaves some of Stephanie's pork sitting out all night, and when it's discovered, she's a lot calmer and nicer about it than she could have been, so good on her for that. She recovers well, and throws together a pig skin salad that is quite popular with the judges. She and Richard take the top two spots, with Richard winning the challenge and a car to go with it. Schmancy! Lisa and Antonia sink to the bottom, and Lisa's odd ability to jinx the person she goes to losers' table with continues unabated, as Antonia is sent home. Sniff. Stephanie and Richard don't have a moment to get over the shock before Lisa jumps down their throats for not being thrilled for her, which is of course two seconds before she turns around and whines to us that this isn't a popularity contest. Sure it isn't, sweetie. You sailed into the final three with that awesome cooking prowess; not because you're a total trainwreck.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
High Steaks
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars snuck up on me, and launched a surprise attack. The ongoing war between Lisa and Edible Rice culminated in a bowl of disgusting sludge. Dale continued to be as likable as a feral cat with mange. Team Winner lived up to their name, as did Team Loser. Spike managed to avoid the heat by staying out of the kitchen. So that's where that saying comes from. Dale and Lisa were evenly matched in poor food and poor attitude, but in a strange twist, Dale was eliminated over the clearly inferior Lisa. It was an unsettling decision that disturbed me for a full three seconds. Then I realized that we're rid of Dale, so the ends really, really justify the means in this case. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Along with the usual assortment of meats, cheeses, and crackers, Panny brought along a nice, fresh tomato/mozzarella/basil dip that delighted all.
Morning in Chicago. People walk to work, some in painful-looking shoes. Change at the office! Over at the house, we get the usual themes: Getting to the final four, Women Power, and how everyone needs to keep their focus. Especially me. This has been a good season, but we're getting to that traditional point where I'm sick of these people. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. Instead of going to the Kitchen, the chefs go a local meat purveyor, where a staff member sets everyone up with hats, hairnets, and what appear to be cardboard crotch-guards. Sexy! The challenge today involves butchering meat, which appears to be a pretty difficult process. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers were butchers, which is kind of cool. The chefs are led to a line of long-bone rib-eye. The chefs will have twenty minutes to cut their hunks of meat into individual chops, while making sure that bone is frenched (exposed, and sticking out like a large handle). Lisa and Antonia are nervous, knowing that bad cuts can ruin the meat, and that the time limit would be tough for even a real butcher. Ready? And...go!
The "dry age" (the crusty external mold covering that is trimmed in this process) gives the chefs some trouble. Richard chooses to chop first and trim the dry age afterwards. Spike does the opposite, attacking the dry age first. From there, it's a simple matter of slicing and cleanup. Spike's chops look wonderful, and he interviews that the process was so easy, it wasn't even funny. Yeah, it does seem to come very naturally to him. Go, grandpas! Stephanie, as is her wont in Quickfires, is at a complete loss. Lisa worries that she won't make it into the top four. Please. She should be happy she made it into the top eight. Time runs out. Spike is pleased with himself, as always. The chefs pack up their steaks, and head back to the Kitchen, where they're met by this week's guest judge, Rick Tramonto. Padma explains that there is a second part to tonight's Quickfire, and the four chefs left at the end of this round will go on to the finals in Puerto Rico. The chefs must now prepare their steaks to a medium-rare doneness. LabRat crinkles his nose. Not me; give me some of that yummy, yummy blood. For once, it seems the winner won't be determined by flavor or seasoning. It'll simply come down to butchery skills and the ability to cook the meat to its proper doneness.
Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown. Lisa interviews that getting a steak to a proper temperature should be second-nature to a chef, but when she's under a lot of pressure, she tends to second-guess herself. She says she gauges it by touch, not temperature. Spike suggests cooking the steak the same amount on both sides, so that it's pink all the way through. Richard bemoans not having enough time to do something fancy. Stephanie tries to balance cooking time with resting time. Antonia puts a nice char on both sides to seal in the flavor, and then blasts the hell out of her meat with an ocean of butter. Time runs out.
Padma and Rick go down the line. Richard roasted, grilled, and charred the meat with his torch. Any excuse to use that torch, eh? Why am I Canadian all of a sudden? Rick mutters over Lisa and Stephanie's steaks, but takes a nice long look at the row of Spike's chops. Antonia is asked how long her meat has rested, and she says it's been about five minutes. Results. First in the bottom three is Stephanie, who must be required by law to screw up Quickfires. Her butchery was poor and her meat was undercooked. Richard's butchery was inconsistent and his meat was also undercooked. I guess we know what that means for the good news. Lisa's steak was cooked very well. Spike did an amazing job on the butchering. Antonia had a beautiful crust, and the meat was cooked perfectly. The ultimate winner is Spike, who is pleased to have done his family proud. No, wait. That's not what he said. He's pleased to have won, because he's passionate about making good food. Oops, that's not what he said either. No, in true Spike fashion, the best part about winning the challenge is showing up the other four contestants. Sigh. He's certainly consistent, isn't he?
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that the chefs will be entrusted with something very precious. They will be taking over Rick's steak house tomorrow night. Rick says that the restaurant has been fortunate enough to win some awards, and is very popular, so he hopes the chefs won't screw it up. Each of the five chefs will be responsible for their own individual appetizer and entree. The menu must be based on ingredients found in Rick's kitchen. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike will get first pick of proteins for both appetizer and entree. Well, there's no way Spike could blow that kind of advantage, huh? At the very least, he'll have learned his lesson from the boxed lunch debacle, right? Hello? Bueller? Lisa shrugs off Spike's advantage, saying that it puts a lot of pressure on him, because he'll be forced into a decision he may not be pleased to be stuck with ten minutes later. Rick begs the chefs to take care of his customers. The chefs are dismissed.
Back at the house, the chefs eat their steaks, and stroke Spike's ego about his amazing butchery skills. Spike interviews that as far as the female chefs go, Stephanie is the strongest, and he'd like to see Antonia go. I'd want the same thing in his position, and not because Antonia is a bad chef. Even though the audience can't taste any of this food, we sure get an idea of how the chefs' work is generally perceived by the judges, and Antonia tends to blow Spike away. As do Richard and Stephanie. The chefs all agree that going home on this challenge would suck extra hard. Richard says that being eliminated now would be no different than being eliminated first. Really? Why don't we ask Nimma how she feels about that? Who? Exactly.
Commercials. Take advantage of a program that automatically relocates money from one of your accounts to another. It'll be super convenient when you start over-drawing and get pummeled with tons of fees!
The next evening, the chefs head for Rick's restaurant. That's an awful lot of neon for what's being presented as a classy steak house. The inside is very pretty, though. Once in the kitchen, Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins. He quickly sifts though the food in the walk-in, and settles on the same tomahawk chops he prepared in the Quickfire for his entree, and a bag of frozen scallops for his appetizer. The other chefs are all "Whaaaaaa?", because you know how these folks feel about frozen food. Lisa grabs shrimp and New York strip steak. Antonia gets some veggies and rib-eye. Stephanie takes veal sweetbread and tenderloin, explaining that they've got three hours to prep. Lisa says she'll be making a peanut butter mashed potato for her steak, which sounds odd and vaguely unappetizing, but I'd be curious to try it. Richard gets a purple flame going on the stove. He's preparing some thinly-sliced hamachi with some sweetbreads, and beef tenderloin.
Antonia and Lisa have a friendly spar about the heat of the oven that the show appears to try and play up as dramatic, even though they're totally kidding with each other. I have to say, with Dale gone, Lisa's a lot less irritating. She doesn't want to be eliminated. From now on, I'll just assume that you're all aware that nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. Spike says that when he opened his bag of scallops, they were all torn, and soaking wet. Now where would moisture come from in a bag of frozen shellfish? Ummmm..... He piles the scallops on paper towels in an effort to soak up the water. With an hour and a half left, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He intimates to Richard that his dishes are a bit simple, given the kind of twists Richard's done in the past. The barb gets under Richard's skin, but he tries to shrug it off. Ptom seems as skeptical of Lisa's peanut butter potatoes as I am. Spike tells him that he doesn't have a problem with using frozen scallops, but is disappointed in these particular ones. Ptom gathers the chefs to tell them they'll have about sixty diners, plus the judges and three VIP guests. Ptom himself will be expediting. Spike worries about his scallops, calling it "ironic" that his advantage bit him in the ass. I think Spike has been taking lessons in irony from Alanis Morissette. Antonia pre-prepares her steaks.
Commercials. Aw, forget the dumb chips. That's such a cute little piggy!
Time winds down, and the chefs put the finishing touches on their food. When time runs out, Ptom calls the chefs over to meet the three VIP guests. Why, It's Harold, Ilan, and Hung! Two deserving Top Chef winners, and a scum-sucking asshole I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire! I'll leave it you to sort out which is which. Ptom asks if the three of them have any suggestions for the fledgling chefs. Harold tells them to cook in their own styles, and to be true to themselves. Hung tells them to do what they've got to do to win; not be fan favorite. Someone's bitter! Ilan tells them not to shave anybody's head. Hahahahahaha! Because leading an attack on his enemy that paved the way for someone to be thrown out of the competition for assault is so fucking hilarious! Hahahaha! See, this is why I never buy any of that post-show whining about how the mean editors made someone look worse than they are in life. Those three just had exactly the responses you'd expect from them: Harold was straightforward and measured, Hung was practical if a bit full of himself, and Ilan was a rectal scraping from a diseased bison. I will be ignoring him for the rest of tonight. One season of him was plenty. The previous winners seat themselves, and Antonia worries that they'll probably be more critical than any judge.
Speaking of whom, Padma, Gail, and Rick walk in and join the table. Various diners pick and choose their appetizers, while Gail tells the server that the judges' table will be getting a tasting menu of everything. Ptom tells the chefs to make six portions of everything, cut down to about 1/3 the size. This throws everyone for a loop for some reason. Food begins to go out. Lisa's appetizer is grilled and chilled shrimp, with lemon zest and a tomato salad on some crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar, but Rick and Padma love the lemon. Gail and Harold agree that chilling the shrimp takes out a lot of its flavor. Richard's appetizer is thinly-sliced hamachi with crisped sweetbreads, which is served with radish, avocado, and yuzu. It looks good. Rick says that it's delicious, and a nice combination of hot and cold. He'd put it on his menu "in a heartbeat". Spike's scallops are seared and served with hearts of palm, oyster mushrooms, and scallions. The judges are all underwhelmed. Stephanie's veal sweetbreads are crisped, and served with golden raisins, pine nuts, bacon, fennel, and a sweet & sour sauce. Harold wishes the pine nuts had been toasted, but likes it very much overall. Hung likes the tartness. Gail says Stephanie's dish had everything Spike's didn't. Ouch. Antonia's mushroom and artichoke salad has a bacon vinaigrette and a perfectly poached egg on top. The judges like the egg, but are unimpressed with the rest of the salad.
Now, to the entrees. Richard plates too slowly for Ptom's tastes. It's because his plate has those artsy-fartsy slashes and dots of sauces. I think he's trying to make up for the simplicity of the food with an overly technical presentation. He's got a beef filet with a potato puree, and it's served with turnips, red wine, and pickled Brussels sprouts. Harold likes the pickled sprouts when combined with the meat, and Padma wonders why Richard didn't do that to begin with. Lisa has a New York strip steak with an apple caramel sauce, an apple/peanut gastrique, and the aforementioned peanut butter mashed potatoes. The judges aren't wowed by the meat itself, but the peanut butter potatoes are a nice surprise. Now I really want to try those. Spike's tomahawk chop looks overly done from the picture they show, and it's served with a sweet potato puree, blanched Brussels sprouts, and cipollini (similar to onions). As with his scallops, the entree gets a solid "meh". Stephanie's entree is beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and an apple sauce. The judges think it's gorgeous, as well as tasty. Antonia sends out her bone-in rib-eye, served with fennel and cipollinis, with a shallot/potato gratin. Rick ranks it above the other entrees, because it's the most rounded.
Other diners enjoy the food. Contrived toasts are filmed. The service slows down. Stephanie is confident in how she did, and doesn't think she could have done any better. Ptom requests portions of everything for himself. Antonia interviews that she doesn't think she'll be going home, realizes that she's just set herself up for the Fate-tempting elimination, and immediately amends her statement to say she has no idea who's going. Heh.
Commercials. Sorry, M. Night. You've run out of strikes.
Judges' Table. The chefs settle in for their fret 'n' sweat, and load up on wine. Lisa raises her beer to the other chefs, saying that they're all "fuckin' awesome". She really has calmed down. Padma enters, thanks them for a great meal, and summons everyone to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma reminds the chefs that for one of them, the journey ends tonight. Thanks, I wasn't sure, what with the twenty billion interviews we've gotten about how it all comes down to this challenge. Richard is asked how he thinks he did, and he hedges, not wanting to be all "I was awesome!" right before getting shot down. The judges tease him a little more by asking if he'd put his appetizer on his own menu (he gives another ambiguous answer about tweaking a couple of things) before Rick lets him off the hook by saying how much he liked it. The main course wasn't as big a hit. Gail says the meat was a bit undercooked on some plates, and Richard can't keep a momentary dirty look off his face for that one. He recovers quickly. Stephanie didn't show any pressure until this moment. Rick loved her sweetbreads, and Padma asks if she'd change anything about the entree. Stephanie would have liked for it to have a little more acidity. The judges ascertain that she hadn't made that dish before.
Lisa's appetizer was good, but Gail wishes the shrimp had been warm. Rick says he struggled with her appetizer, saying he really couldn't "get [his] arms" around it. Her entree was more successful, though it could have used a little more technical skill. Ptom's steak was cooked somewhat unevenly. Antonia's egg was perfect, and her entree suited the atmosphere extremely well. Spike says he fell in love with the tomahawk chop in the Quickfire, so that's why he chose it for the Elimination Challenge. Gail says that her portion of his entree was very good. The dreaded frozen scallops are brought up. Ptom wonders why Spike didn't pick from the vast array of fresh ingredients. He hints that Spike had the option to send the scallops back and pick something else, but I got the sense that he was required by the rules to stick by the scallops once he picked them. I mean, Ptom would know better than I, but what would happen if Spike exchanged the scallops after everyone else picked their proteins? Would that go against the stated advantage for winning the Quickfire? It's a mystery.
Rick says that chefs have to make choices and that if a vendor brings in an unacceptable ingredient, the chef should change the game plan. Spike says that "with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and they should never make it into the walk-in if it's not high quality". Richard's face mirrors mine, and conveys the following sentiment: "DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMN!" Ptom gets a death glare. I will say this for Spike -- that took some balls. It was also one of the dumbest things he could possibly say at this point. Ptom and Company have done some scrambling since this episode, writing a blog post defending Rick by saying that the food brought in specifically for this episode included the frozen scallops, and that they're not generally a part of the restaurant's inventory. In fact, they were planted to see how the chefs responded to them. Naturally, Spike was unhappy to learn of this, calling it "bullshit" and "trickery at its best". That's true, and at the same time? Steering competitors away from a food source? Choosing ingredients based solely on how much damage he can do to the other chefs' menus? Sticking like glue to the dining room to avoid the inevitable disaster that befalls the kitchen? It's a tired cliche, but it's also a valid one: Don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm not wild about the production laying that little trap, but nobody forced Spike to use the scallops, so I'm not very sympathetic.
The chefs are dismissed. Spike tries to repair some of the damage by shaking Rick's hand on the way out, saying it was an honor to work in his restaurant. Yeah, it's weak, but what can he do at this point? Back in the Kitchen, he says he can't believe he said that, and has no idea where it came from. From the section of your brain that frantically looks for someone else to blame for your mistakes? It's not like it's been in hiding. The other chefs are, like, "Sucks to be you." Deliberations. Ptom likes the challenge, because all of the chefs were self-contained. Yep, nobody to blame but yourself if something goes wrong. Not that I'm projecting my bias or anything. Rick says that Stephanie had the most well-rounded meal. Gail liked that she came up with something new. Richard's appetizer was innovative and delicious, but his entree was disjointed. Antonia's steak was probably the best entree, and she's a very insightful cook. Both of Spike's courses had issues. Ptom says that Spike wants to stick to a simple style, but that if you're going to do that, the food has to be perfect. Rick found him disappointing after such a successful Quickfire. Ptom says that "what bothers me about Lisa..."
Tiffany: "...is her face."
Heh. It's actually that he feels she's apathetic about her cooking. Padma thinks she has a good palate, and focuses more on flavor than technique. They try to decide between Spike and Lisa as to who had the bigger problem. Rick lies that this is a cooking competition, and that personality doesn't enter into it at all. He somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. I guess it's because he's the guest judge. Gail contradicts herself within two sentences by saying that Spike put more work into his dish, but agrees with Ptom when he says that Spike didn't put much work into his entree at all. Padma drama queens about what an important decision this is. The judges reach a verdict.
Commercials. Shear Genius is back, along with Jaclyn Smith as host.
LabRat: "Eh, I'm more of a Kate Jackson fan."
Limecrete: "You weren't in the cult of Farrah?"
LabRat: *scoffs*
Panny: "Farrah Fawcett has nipples like fucking push-pins."
Elimination. First, the good news. Stephanie wins her fifth Elimination Challenge. She gets a copy of Rick's book (Zzzzz...), followed by a bunch of kitchen appliances (Oooh, much better!). She also, obviously, is moving on to the finals in Puerto Rico. Richard had the favorite appetizer of the evening, and advances to the finals. Antonia had the favorite entree of the evening, and advances to the finals. The three of them are dismissed, and celebrate back in the Kitchen. Now, to the bottom two. Ptom tells Lisa she's been at the losers' table five times so far, and Spike has been there seven times. It's actually six and eight if you count tonight. Lisa isn't pushing hard enough. At least not with her food. Her shrimp was weak, and she needs to show more passion. Spike has to take responsibility for his choices, and needs greater skill if he's going to work with simple flavors. Over to Padma for the chop. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. Dug your own grave there, Spike. Geez, I don't even think Mike, who was so far beneath his competitors that they could have dropped a penny and killed him, was at losers' table so much.
Spike gives Lisa a hug, and thanks the judges for the opportunity. Lisa tells the judges she'll "bring it" for the finals. Oh, it's already been BROUGHTEN! Does Spike make sure to include how much awesomer he is than his competitors in his final interview? And how! After some more blather about how nobody puts Spikey in the corner, he and his hats drag themselves home. The final four are giddy and excited. Me, too. There's a good chance I'm going to be completely satisfied with the winner, which hasn't happened in a while.
Next week on Top Chef: Puerto Rico. Lisa has gotten herself a horribly unflattering bull-dyke haircut. Nothing against my lesbian brethren, but seriously, ladies. Enough with that. Chopping meat is apparently more dramatic than Ben-Hur.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars snuck up on me, and launched a surprise attack. The ongoing war between Lisa and Edible Rice culminated in a bowl of disgusting sludge. Dale continued to be as likable as a feral cat with mange. Team Winner lived up to their name, as did Team Loser. Spike managed to avoid the heat by staying out of the kitchen. So that's where that saying comes from. Dale and Lisa were evenly matched in poor food and poor attitude, but in a strange twist, Dale was eliminated over the clearly inferior Lisa. It was an unsettling decision that disturbed me for a full three seconds. Then I realized that we're rid of Dale, so the ends really, really justify the means in this case. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Along with the usual assortment of meats, cheeses, and crackers, Panny brought along a nice, fresh tomato/mozzarella/basil dip that delighted all.
Morning in Chicago. People walk to work, some in painful-looking shoes. Change at the office! Over at the house, we get the usual themes: Getting to the final four, Women Power, and how everyone needs to keep their focus. Especially me. This has been a good season, but we're getting to that traditional point where I'm sick of these people. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. Instead of going to the Kitchen, the chefs go a local meat purveyor, where a staff member sets everyone up with hats, hairnets, and what appear to be cardboard crotch-guards. Sexy! The challenge today involves butchering meat, which appears to be a pretty difficult process. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers were butchers, which is kind of cool. The chefs are led to a line of long-bone rib-eye. The chefs will have twenty minutes to cut their hunks of meat into individual chops, while making sure that bone is frenched (exposed, and sticking out like a large handle). Lisa and Antonia are nervous, knowing that bad cuts can ruin the meat, and that the time limit would be tough for even a real butcher. Ready? And...go!
The "dry age" (the crusty external mold covering that is trimmed in this process) gives the chefs some trouble. Richard chooses to chop first and trim the dry age afterwards. Spike does the opposite, attacking the dry age first. From there, it's a simple matter of slicing and cleanup. Spike's chops look wonderful, and he interviews that the process was so easy, it wasn't even funny. Yeah, it does seem to come very naturally to him. Go, grandpas! Stephanie, as is her wont in Quickfires, is at a complete loss. Lisa worries that she won't make it into the top four. Please. She should be happy she made it into the top eight. Time runs out. Spike is pleased with himself, as always. The chefs pack up their steaks, and head back to the Kitchen, where they're met by this week's guest judge, Rick Tramonto. Padma explains that there is a second part to tonight's Quickfire, and the four chefs left at the end of this round will go on to the finals in Puerto Rico. The chefs must now prepare their steaks to a medium-rare doneness. LabRat crinkles his nose. Not me; give me some of that yummy, yummy blood. For once, it seems the winner won't be determined by flavor or seasoning. It'll simply come down to butchery skills and the ability to cook the meat to its proper doneness.
Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown. Lisa interviews that getting a steak to a proper temperature should be second-nature to a chef, but when she's under a lot of pressure, she tends to second-guess herself. She says she gauges it by touch, not temperature. Spike suggests cooking the steak the same amount on both sides, so that it's pink all the way through. Richard bemoans not having enough time to do something fancy. Stephanie tries to balance cooking time with resting time. Antonia puts a nice char on both sides to seal in the flavor, and then blasts the hell out of her meat with an ocean of butter. Time runs out.
Padma and Rick go down the line. Richard roasted, grilled, and charred the meat with his torch. Any excuse to use that torch, eh? Why am I Canadian all of a sudden? Rick mutters over Lisa and Stephanie's steaks, but takes a nice long look at the row of Spike's chops. Antonia is asked how long her meat has rested, and she says it's been about five minutes. Results. First in the bottom three is Stephanie, who must be required by law to screw up Quickfires. Her butchery was poor and her meat was undercooked. Richard's butchery was inconsistent and his meat was also undercooked. I guess we know what that means for the good news. Lisa's steak was cooked very well. Spike did an amazing job on the butchering. Antonia had a beautiful crust, and the meat was cooked perfectly. The ultimate winner is Spike, who is pleased to have done his family proud. No, wait. That's not what he said. He's pleased to have won, because he's passionate about making good food. Oops, that's not what he said either. No, in true Spike fashion, the best part about winning the challenge is showing up the other four contestants. Sigh. He's certainly consistent, isn't he?
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that the chefs will be entrusted with something very precious. They will be taking over Rick's steak house tomorrow night. Rick says that the restaurant has been fortunate enough to win some awards, and is very popular, so he hopes the chefs won't screw it up. Each of the five chefs will be responsible for their own individual appetizer and entree. The menu must be based on ingredients found in Rick's kitchen. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike will get first pick of proteins for both appetizer and entree. Well, there's no way Spike could blow that kind of advantage, huh? At the very least, he'll have learned his lesson from the boxed lunch debacle, right? Hello? Bueller? Lisa shrugs off Spike's advantage, saying that it puts a lot of pressure on him, because he'll be forced into a decision he may not be pleased to be stuck with ten minutes later. Rick begs the chefs to take care of his customers. The chefs are dismissed.
Back at the house, the chefs eat their steaks, and stroke Spike's ego about his amazing butchery skills. Spike interviews that as far as the female chefs go, Stephanie is the strongest, and he'd like to see Antonia go. I'd want the same thing in his position, and not because Antonia is a bad chef. Even though the audience can't taste any of this food, we sure get an idea of how the chefs' work is generally perceived by the judges, and Antonia tends to blow Spike away. As do Richard and Stephanie. The chefs all agree that going home on this challenge would suck extra hard. Richard says that being eliminated now would be no different than being eliminated first. Really? Why don't we ask Nimma how she feels about that? Who? Exactly.
Commercials. Take advantage of a program that automatically relocates money from one of your accounts to another. It'll be super convenient when you start over-drawing and get pummeled with tons of fees!
The next evening, the chefs head for Rick's restaurant. That's an awful lot of neon for what's being presented as a classy steak house. The inside is very pretty, though. Once in the kitchen, Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins. He quickly sifts though the food in the walk-in, and settles on the same tomahawk chops he prepared in the Quickfire for his entree, and a bag of frozen scallops for his appetizer. The other chefs are all "Whaaaaaa?", because you know how these folks feel about frozen food. Lisa grabs shrimp and New York strip steak. Antonia gets some veggies and rib-eye. Stephanie takes veal sweetbread and tenderloin, explaining that they've got three hours to prep. Lisa says she'll be making a peanut butter mashed potato for her steak, which sounds odd and vaguely unappetizing, but I'd be curious to try it. Richard gets a purple flame going on the stove. He's preparing some thinly-sliced hamachi with some sweetbreads, and beef tenderloin.
Antonia and Lisa have a friendly spar about the heat of the oven that the show appears to try and play up as dramatic, even though they're totally kidding with each other. I have to say, with Dale gone, Lisa's a lot less irritating. She doesn't want to be eliminated. From now on, I'll just assume that you're all aware that nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. Spike says that when he opened his bag of scallops, they were all torn, and soaking wet. Now where would moisture come from in a bag of frozen shellfish? Ummmm..... He piles the scallops on paper towels in an effort to soak up the water. With an hour and a half left, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He intimates to Richard that his dishes are a bit simple, given the kind of twists Richard's done in the past. The barb gets under Richard's skin, but he tries to shrug it off. Ptom seems as skeptical of Lisa's peanut butter potatoes as I am. Spike tells him that he doesn't have a problem with using frozen scallops, but is disappointed in these particular ones. Ptom gathers the chefs to tell them they'll have about sixty diners, plus the judges and three VIP guests. Ptom himself will be expediting. Spike worries about his scallops, calling it "ironic" that his advantage bit him in the ass. I think Spike has been taking lessons in irony from Alanis Morissette. Antonia pre-prepares her steaks.
Commercials. Aw, forget the dumb chips. That's such a cute little piggy!
Time winds down, and the chefs put the finishing touches on their food. When time runs out, Ptom calls the chefs over to meet the three VIP guests. Why, It's Harold, Ilan, and Hung! Two deserving Top Chef winners, and a scum-sucking asshole I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire! I'll leave it you to sort out which is which. Ptom asks if the three of them have any suggestions for the fledgling chefs. Harold tells them to cook in their own styles, and to be true to themselves. Hung tells them to do what they've got to do to win; not be fan favorite. Someone's bitter! Ilan tells them not to shave anybody's head. Hahahahahaha! Because leading an attack on his enemy that paved the way for someone to be thrown out of the competition for assault is so fucking hilarious! Hahahaha! See, this is why I never buy any of that post-show whining about how the mean editors made someone look worse than they are in life. Those three just had exactly the responses you'd expect from them: Harold was straightforward and measured, Hung was practical if a bit full of himself, and Ilan was a rectal scraping from a diseased bison. I will be ignoring him for the rest of tonight. One season of him was plenty. The previous winners seat themselves, and Antonia worries that they'll probably be more critical than any judge.
Speaking of whom, Padma, Gail, and Rick walk in and join the table. Various diners pick and choose their appetizers, while Gail tells the server that the judges' table will be getting a tasting menu of everything. Ptom tells the chefs to make six portions of everything, cut down to about 1/3 the size. This throws everyone for a loop for some reason. Food begins to go out. Lisa's appetizer is grilled and chilled shrimp, with lemon zest and a tomato salad on some crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar, but Rick and Padma love the lemon. Gail and Harold agree that chilling the shrimp takes out a lot of its flavor. Richard's appetizer is thinly-sliced hamachi with crisped sweetbreads, which is served with radish, avocado, and yuzu. It looks good. Rick says that it's delicious, and a nice combination of hot and cold. He'd put it on his menu "in a heartbeat". Spike's scallops are seared and served with hearts of palm, oyster mushrooms, and scallions. The judges are all underwhelmed. Stephanie's veal sweetbreads are crisped, and served with golden raisins, pine nuts, bacon, fennel, and a sweet & sour sauce. Harold wishes the pine nuts had been toasted, but likes it very much overall. Hung likes the tartness. Gail says Stephanie's dish had everything Spike's didn't. Ouch. Antonia's mushroom and artichoke salad has a bacon vinaigrette and a perfectly poached egg on top. The judges like the egg, but are unimpressed with the rest of the salad.
Now, to the entrees. Richard plates too slowly for Ptom's tastes. It's because his plate has those artsy-fartsy slashes and dots of sauces. I think he's trying to make up for the simplicity of the food with an overly technical presentation. He's got a beef filet with a potato puree, and it's served with turnips, red wine, and pickled Brussels sprouts. Harold likes the pickled sprouts when combined with the meat, and Padma wonders why Richard didn't do that to begin with. Lisa has a New York strip steak with an apple caramel sauce, an apple/peanut gastrique, and the aforementioned peanut butter mashed potatoes. The judges aren't wowed by the meat itself, but the peanut butter potatoes are a nice surprise. Now I really want to try those. Spike's tomahawk chop looks overly done from the picture they show, and it's served with a sweet potato puree, blanched Brussels sprouts, and cipollini (similar to onions). As with his scallops, the entree gets a solid "meh". Stephanie's entree is beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and an apple sauce. The judges think it's gorgeous, as well as tasty. Antonia sends out her bone-in rib-eye, served with fennel and cipollinis, with a shallot/potato gratin. Rick ranks it above the other entrees, because it's the most rounded.
Other diners enjoy the food. Contrived toasts are filmed. The service slows down. Stephanie is confident in how she did, and doesn't think she could have done any better. Ptom requests portions of everything for himself. Antonia interviews that she doesn't think she'll be going home, realizes that she's just set herself up for the Fate-tempting elimination, and immediately amends her statement to say she has no idea who's going. Heh.
Commercials. Sorry, M. Night. You've run out of strikes.
Judges' Table. The chefs settle in for their fret 'n' sweat, and load up on wine. Lisa raises her beer to the other chefs, saying that they're all "fuckin' awesome". She really has calmed down. Padma enters, thanks them for a great meal, and summons everyone to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma reminds the chefs that for one of them, the journey ends tonight. Thanks, I wasn't sure, what with the twenty billion interviews we've gotten about how it all comes down to this challenge. Richard is asked how he thinks he did, and he hedges, not wanting to be all "I was awesome!" right before getting shot down. The judges tease him a little more by asking if he'd put his appetizer on his own menu (he gives another ambiguous answer about tweaking a couple of things) before Rick lets him off the hook by saying how much he liked it. The main course wasn't as big a hit. Gail says the meat was a bit undercooked on some plates, and Richard can't keep a momentary dirty look off his face for that one. He recovers quickly. Stephanie didn't show any pressure until this moment. Rick loved her sweetbreads, and Padma asks if she'd change anything about the entree. Stephanie would have liked for it to have a little more acidity. The judges ascertain that she hadn't made that dish before.
Lisa's appetizer was good, but Gail wishes the shrimp had been warm. Rick says he struggled with her appetizer, saying he really couldn't "get [his] arms" around it. Her entree was more successful, though it could have used a little more technical skill. Ptom's steak was cooked somewhat unevenly. Antonia's egg was perfect, and her entree suited the atmosphere extremely well. Spike says he fell in love with the tomahawk chop in the Quickfire, so that's why he chose it for the Elimination Challenge. Gail says that her portion of his entree was very good. The dreaded frozen scallops are brought up. Ptom wonders why Spike didn't pick from the vast array of fresh ingredients. He hints that Spike had the option to send the scallops back and pick something else, but I got the sense that he was required by the rules to stick by the scallops once he picked them. I mean, Ptom would know better than I, but what would happen if Spike exchanged the scallops after everyone else picked their proteins? Would that go against the stated advantage for winning the Quickfire? It's a mystery.
Rick says that chefs have to make choices and that if a vendor brings in an unacceptable ingredient, the chef should change the game plan. Spike says that "with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and they should never make it into the walk-in if it's not high quality". Richard's face mirrors mine, and conveys the following sentiment: "DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMN!" Ptom gets a death glare. I will say this for Spike -- that took some balls. It was also one of the dumbest things he could possibly say at this point. Ptom and Company have done some scrambling since this episode, writing a blog post defending Rick by saying that the food brought in specifically for this episode included the frozen scallops, and that they're not generally a part of the restaurant's inventory. In fact, they were planted to see how the chefs responded to them. Naturally, Spike was unhappy to learn of this, calling it "bullshit" and "trickery at its best". That's true, and at the same time? Steering competitors away from a food source? Choosing ingredients based solely on how much damage he can do to the other chefs' menus? Sticking like glue to the dining room to avoid the inevitable disaster that befalls the kitchen? It's a tired cliche, but it's also a valid one: Don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm not wild about the production laying that little trap, but nobody forced Spike to use the scallops, so I'm not very sympathetic.
The chefs are dismissed. Spike tries to repair some of the damage by shaking Rick's hand on the way out, saying it was an honor to work in his restaurant. Yeah, it's weak, but what can he do at this point? Back in the Kitchen, he says he can't believe he said that, and has no idea where it came from. From the section of your brain that frantically looks for someone else to blame for your mistakes? It's not like it's been in hiding. The other chefs are, like, "Sucks to be you." Deliberations. Ptom likes the challenge, because all of the chefs were self-contained. Yep, nobody to blame but yourself if something goes wrong. Not that I'm projecting my bias or anything. Rick says that Stephanie had the most well-rounded meal. Gail liked that she came up with something new. Richard's appetizer was innovative and delicious, but his entree was disjointed. Antonia's steak was probably the best entree, and she's a very insightful cook. Both of Spike's courses had issues. Ptom says that Spike wants to stick to a simple style, but that if you're going to do that, the food has to be perfect. Rick found him disappointing after such a successful Quickfire. Ptom says that "what bothers me about Lisa..."
Tiffany: "...is her face."
Heh. It's actually that he feels she's apathetic about her cooking. Padma thinks she has a good palate, and focuses more on flavor than technique. They try to decide between Spike and Lisa as to who had the bigger problem. Rick lies that this is a cooking competition, and that personality doesn't enter into it at all. He somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. I guess it's because he's the guest judge. Gail contradicts herself within two sentences by saying that Spike put more work into his dish, but agrees with Ptom when he says that Spike didn't put much work into his entree at all. Padma drama queens about what an important decision this is. The judges reach a verdict.
Commercials. Shear Genius is back, along with Jaclyn Smith as host.
LabRat: "Eh, I'm more of a Kate Jackson fan."
Limecrete: "You weren't in the cult of Farrah?"
LabRat: *scoffs*
Panny: "Farrah Fawcett has nipples like fucking push-pins."
Elimination. First, the good news. Stephanie wins her fifth Elimination Challenge. She gets a copy of Rick's book (Zzzzz...), followed by a bunch of kitchen appliances (Oooh, much better!). She also, obviously, is moving on to the finals in Puerto Rico. Richard had the favorite appetizer of the evening, and advances to the finals. Antonia had the favorite entree of the evening, and advances to the finals. The three of them are dismissed, and celebrate back in the Kitchen. Now, to the bottom two. Ptom tells Lisa she's been at the losers' table five times so far, and Spike has been there seven times. It's actually six and eight if you count tonight. Lisa isn't pushing hard enough. At least not with her food. Her shrimp was weak, and she needs to show more passion. Spike has to take responsibility for his choices, and needs greater skill if he's going to work with simple flavors. Over to Padma for the chop. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. Dug your own grave there, Spike. Geez, I don't even think Mike, who was so far beneath his competitors that they could have dropped a penny and killed him, was at losers' table so much.
Spike gives Lisa a hug, and thanks the judges for the opportunity. Lisa tells the judges she'll "bring it" for the finals. Oh, it's already been BROUGHTEN! Does Spike make sure to include how much awesomer he is than his competitors in his final interview? And how! After some more blather about how nobody puts Spikey in the corner, he and his hats drag themselves home. The final four are giddy and excited. Me, too. There's a good chance I'm going to be completely satisfied with the winner, which hasn't happened in a while.
Next week on Top Chef: Puerto Rico. Lisa has gotten herself a horribly unflattering bull-dyke haircut. Nothing against my lesbian brethren, but seriously, ladies. Enough with that. Chopping meat is apparently more dramatic than Ben-Hur.
Overall Grade: B+
Monday, May 26, 2008
Restaurant Wars - Part IV
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 11
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs looked at Lisa's terrible challenge placement record and were terrified of her cooking prowess, so someone sabotaged her rice. Either that or she just plain sucks. Not having to work on a team made Dale's competence soar, and he took the challenge win. Seeing which way the wind was blowing, Lisa sold Andrew out to the judges. His bizarre food and disdain for the challenge rules (after all, it's Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!) had probably sealed his fate anyway, but it sure showed what Lisa's like when the mask falls off. It's not much different from when the mask is on. I think Lisa needs a new mask. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. I made a salsa with corn, black beans, onion, tomato, cilantro, lime juice, cumin, and a little oil and sugar. It turned out well, though chopping the tomato and onion took four times what the entire prep time should have taken.
5:45 AM. Ptom sneaks into the house, and rouses the chefs from their beds. Luckily, nobody's naked. Everyone groggily heads down to the kitchen, where Ptom explains today's Quickfire.
LabRat: "You all have to come clean my house."
Ptom says that they're headed to a local greasy spoon diner to work the egg station for breakfast. Spike outlines how difficult that can be, after which we hear the traditional pointless interviews about how everyone wants to win, and how there's no room for error anymore, and blah blah blah.
Quickfire. The chefs walk into a crowded diner, and Dale says that there's a line out the door. I don't get that. I can see waiting around for dinner, but rare is the mood where I'll willingly stand around for a long time so that I can pay for the pleasure of scrambled eggs. Ptom settles at the counter with coffee and a paper, pausing only to introduce the diner's owner Helene, who will be observing the chefs and selecting a winner. The chefs get to watch how the kitchen runs for a few minutes, and will then take turns working the egg station or "The Hole". Heh. Antonia and her "Yo Biotch!" shirt are up first. She makes sure to call back her orders to the waitstaff, and Helene nods her approval. She holds down the line fairly well until Helene calls time. Stephanie, holding her own in the Fuck Up Every Quickfire Mini-Competition, ruins several eggs. Richard has issues with diner lingo, though we never hear any. Lisa melts styrofoam to-go containers. Spike is flustered. Dale has a lot of orders come in at once, but manages to rise to the occasion.
Results. Helene says that it's a tough challenge, and that all the chefs did a remarkable job. Remarkable enough that no bottom people are mentioned; only the two who most impressed Helene. Those two are Antonia and Dale, and Antonia scores the win. Yay! Ptom congratulates her, and tells her that she'll have an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. We all know that it's pretty even money at this point whether an "advantage" lives up to its name, so I'll believe it when I hear it. Ptom says that he'll be attending a charity event later, and won't be present for the Elimination Challenge. Double yay! Actually, that's not entirely fair. Ptom has been pretty tolerable so far this season. He sends them on their way. I ignore some wretched, awkward product placement.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs come into a large, mostly empty room, where they're met by Padma. She informs them that tomorrow night, they'll be running their own restaurants. Hey, I thought Restaurant Wars was replaced by the wedding challenge! I guess not. I don't enjoy the Restaurant Wars challenge as much as the chefs do, but who am I to step on their excitement? The chefs will be split into two teams, and each will receive about 35 diners. They'll have $1500 for food and $5000 for decor. As the winner of the Quickfire, Antonia gets to choose the team she works with. That sounds good, although being given that choice is often fraught with peril. Antonia has now been designated the team leader whether she likes it or not, so if the team goes down, it's likely that she'll be eliminated. Yikes.
Antonia is no fool, and picks Stephanie and Richard without hesitation, leaving Dale, Lisa, and Spike stuck together again. It pleases me enormously that the chefs with the crappiest personalities keep getting thrown together and have a miserable time, never thinking to examine why things are going so poorly. Stephanie points out that this is kind of a Wedding Wars rematch. Well, rather than assign different nicknames each time like I did with that episode, let's just go with the obvious and call Antonia/Richard/Stephanie Team Winner and Spike/Dale/Lisa Team Loser. Dale thinks Team Loser will do okay, now that they've dropped the dead weight that was Nikki. Yeah, SHE was the reason you guys sucked. Keep telling yourself that.
The chefs have an hour to plan. Team Winner takes a popular route by coming up with a "fine dining food in a very relaxed atmosphere" concept. In other words, "Let's make whatever the hell we want." Team Loser is going to do Asian food, of course. Lisa says it'll be "fun, good vibe, good energy". Has she met her teammates? Has she met herself? She and Dale flip a coin to determine who will be executive chef, and Dale wins, if the duty to look after this crew of infants can be considered "winning". Lisa interviews that Dale has pissed off a lot of people, especially herself and Spike, which makes her nervous for the team. See what I mean about how these three never really examine why their teams never work? Spike says that it's time for Team Loser to pull together and be professional. And naturally, Spike is the arbiter of workplace decorum. Don't you tell your coworkers that they're little bitches?
Commercials. Watching companies try to sell cars in the middle of a economic downturn rife with soaring gas prices is sort of funny, in a morbid kind of way.
With eight hours until the restaurants open, the teams go to Whole Foods for an hour of shopping time. Antonia points out that there won't be a well-stocked Kitchen to help them out this time, so they're just buying anything that they may need. Dale grabs some rice that claims to be good for rice puddings. After they check out, it's off to Pier 1 for another hour of shopping. Spike interviews that he's taking front-of-house responsibilities for this challenge, which he says will be tough. Yeah, "tough" in the sense that nobody who's ever taken front-of-house has ever been eliminated. Nice cover, Spike. Stephanie wants to keep Team Winner's restaurant decor fairly simple, while Spike says Team Loser's buying tons of Buddhas. With five hours until service, the chefs head into the restaurant space. Stephanie seems overly confident of Team Winner's victory, which makes me nervous. Why am I so jittery tonight? Lisa and Dale can't even choose what part of the kitchen to work in without getting snippy. Antonia says that she'll be executive chef for Team Winner, with Richard as sous chef and Stephanie on front-of-house.
Each course has two options. Team Winner's first course will be a beet and goat cheese salad with ras el hanout, or some linguine with clams. The second course will be trout with cauliflower or leg of lamb with some lamb loin as well. Dessert will be Stephanie's Gorgonzola cheesecake or Richard's banana "scallops", which we've seen before. Team Loser's first course will be a choice between shrimp laksa or pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The second course will be butterscotch miso scallops or braised short ribs, and dessert will be Dale's halo-halo and a mango sticky rice. Antonia points out again that Dale is fairly incapable of anything but Asian food. Is that such a detriment, though? I'm all for being well-rounded, but if you're going to specialize, Asian food is a good way to go. It's not like it'll ever be unpopular.
Spike is busy decorating, but makes sure he has some stamp on the food. He'll be braising the short ribs, which he says doesn't take a lot of work. Team Winner discovers that they didn't buy pasta, so they have to make their own. Man, if this season weren't already subtitled "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!", then "Top Chef 4 - It's Pastariffic!" would be there to snap it up. Antonia worries about getting it done on time. At this point, Anthony Bourdain strides into the kitchen, as he is taking Ptom's place for the week.
Tiffany: "Hi, I'm here to be condescending."
The chefs are appropriately nervous. Spike interviews that if anyone can identify good Asian food, it's Anthony, so that adds some pressure. Both teams present a nice, united front. Everything's going great! No problems here! Anthony comes out to give the audience his impressions, and it is here that we discover that the major problem with the Ptimewasting segment rests with Ptom. Anthony says that Team Winner has deliberately created modest expectations, which makes it that much easier to exceed them. Meanwhile, Team Loser has a more challenging menu, which means they'll either do really well or really poorly. He says that they're confident with preparing Asian food, but "Asia's big. How good can you be at all of those things?" Lisa's laksa, in particular, must meet a high expectation, but if Team Loser can pull it off, it will be a major accomplishment. So Anthony just gave us information that was pertinent, insightful, and even kind of funny. Ptom can rarely dredge up even one of the three. Can we make this replacement permanent?
Anthony walks back into the kitchen, and tells the teams that since there's so much to do, they'll each get an additional pair of hands to help them. In come Jennifer, Nikki, Mark, and Andrew. Anthony Troy McClures that the chefs may remember these guys from such shows as this one. Hehe. Antonia is thrilled to have someone to roll out Team Winner's pasta. Team Loser gets to pick first. Andrew looks as psycho as ever, and Mark looks as stoned as ever, so Team Loser snags Jenn. Nikki the Pasta Queen is, of course, welcome over at Team Winner. Mark and Andrew leave, with Mark wishing everyone luck. Anthony tells the chefs they've got three hours left, and to make good use of their time.
Back to work, scrubs! Dale's halo-halo is to be accompanied by an avocado mousse, but one of the avocados must have been off, because the mixture is brown mush, and looks disgusting. He says he'll try to fix it, and if he can't, they'll toss it off the menu. Disappointing, but simple enough, right? Yes, but this is Dale we're talking about, so setbacks aren't met with calm competence; they're met with cursing and tantrums. Team Loser's problems continue when Lisa discovers that her rice has been pulled off the heat before it's done. Maybe Lisa should just avoid rice for the rest of her time. I don't even mean her time on the show. I mean her time on Earth. So now they're both in bad moods, and Lisa says that that's all Dale's fault, because she can't be cheerful when people around her are sour. Handy. Over at Team Winner, Nikki is proving more useful than just providing another pair of hands, as she discovers a lot of grit in the clams. Richard says that they should be fine, but Nikki tests them again, and finds grit again, so Antonia decides the clams should be rewashed. She interviews that rather than squabbling over individual dishes, they're all making sure that everything is successful, so that the entire team can win. How far in life does she expect to get with that reasonable, respectful attitude? She should punch a locker or something.
Lisa asks Dale to taste her food (the laksa, I think), and he says that he's not getting any spice off of it, just smoke. Spike finds something off about it, too. The editors do a nice job of showing the contrast between the two teams by Dale's interview that it's Lisa's soup, so what does he care if it sucks, and Spike's that nobody can hold him accountable for any problems with the food. Now, that's an attitude that'll get you ahead in life! With one hour until service, some waitstaff enters. Stephanie gives them the menu, and emphasizes having a good, fun experience. She doesn't want it to be a stuffy, suit-and-tie affair. And...contrast! Spike puts on a suit and tie, and isn't wearing a hat, for once. I'm surprised he was able to resist. He sets his waiters to work on setting tables and polishing flatware. With forty-five minutes left, Lisa finds that her mango sticky rice isn't sticky. Quick quiz! Does the blame for this lie with:
a) Lisa
b) Anyone in the world except Lisa
I'll bet you can guess Lisa's answer. Yes, she was "forced into" doing the sticky rice. Huh, I guess they edited out the scene where she was beaten with sticks until she tearfully agreed to take that on. Dale comes up with a suggestion to fold in a pastry cream to make the rice stickier, but when she does that, it turns out like mush. Dale tells her to throw it in a pot (and heat it, presumably) to season it. Time begins to wind down. Everyone makes final preparations. The doors open, and diners begin to flood in. Stephanie pastes a generic hey-there-how-can-I-help-you smile on her face.
Commercials. If you don't eat soy bars, how will you ever master the jump rope?
Stephanie seats some diners. Antonia interviews that historically, all teams have some disaster befall them in this challenge. It never goes entirely well for anyone. Spike hopes his underdog team can come from behind. I hope they fail miserably, and all three of them are eliminated. The judges head to Team Winner's side first. Padma introduces the judges. Along with herself and Anthony, Ted is again stepping in for Gail (boo!), and this week's guest judge is Jose Andres, a chef from Spain who will soon have a show on PBS. I love Spanish food; I may have to check that out. Antonia and Richard hop to get the judges' food ready in a hurry. Ted is pissy before he even takes a bite. My patience with him has almost entirely run out, especially because from what little I've read, the contestants have far more food and cooking credentials than him. Anyway, Stephanie serves and explains the first course. The beet salad looks kind of strange, but I've always had kind of a roller coaster relationship with beets, so I'm not the best judge. The linguine and clams comes with some sausage and a horseradish creme fraiche. The judges like everything more than they expected to, and the regular diners enjoy it as well.
The next course is the trout with cauliflower and the two kinds of lamb. The presentation is lovely, which the judges note. They also like all the flavors. Can it be? Could a team actually pull off a successful Restaurant Wars menu? Only dessert will tell. Stephanie brings out the savory Gorgonzola cheesecake with a sweet potato puree and a concord grape sauce. Richard's banana "scallops" are served with a banana guacamole and chocolate ice cream. I'd really like to try both of those dishes. Although the brown, poopy smear of chocolate on the plate doesn't appeal to the judges, the flavors do, and they also give points for difficulty in combining a sweet and savory dessert. Go Team Winner! The judges head over to Team Loser.
Panny: "Oh, this is going to be one nightmare after another."
Spike seats the judges, and silently endures their barbs about the purple napkins. Lisa frets over her crappy laksa. Dale yells at the waiters to take out the food, then calls them assholes when they go. Wouldn't you love to work for him? Spike presents the spicy coconut shrimp laksa (in very pretty bowls, I must say), and the pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The pot stickers get a good review, but the laksa is too smoky, just as Dale said it was. Spike comes back to the kitchen long enough to whine about the portion size of the short rib. After Lisa and Dale shoo him out, Dale calls him a fucking idiot. Seriously, the line to have Dale as your boss forms at the left. Hey, where's everyone going? The short ribs look good. They're served with pickled red cabbage and an apple basil salad. The butterscotch miso scallops are served with spicy eggplant and some pickled long beans. The butterscotch sauce is not a hit with either the judges or the diners.
Dale asks a mild question about Lisa's rice, and she snaps at him for seemingly no reason. Let's stick to calling Dale an asshole when he's actually being one, please. It's not like you'll have to wait too long for the opportunity. In fact, it takes approximately two seconds, as he begins yelling at Spike and the waiters again. Lisa hates Dale. Dale hates Lisa. Everyone hates both of them. Spike brings out dessert. The halo-halo looks like wheat germ juice. The mango sticky rice has toasted coconut on top. The judges say the halo-halo comes across as predictable, but successful. "Compared to this atrocity," Padma says, holding up the sticky rice. I think she may be drunk. Nobody likes it at all. Anthony calls it "baby vomit with wood chips". The diners agree that Team Loser's dessert sucked. Some noses are wrinkled in disgust. They fill out comment cards for both teams, which the judges will take into account. The chefs try to schmooze the diners for compliments. Jennifer tells Dale she hopes she was helpful. Well, I doubt she could have made this team any worse, so there's that. Spike says that Team Loser's diners didn't hear any hint of the turmoil in the kitchen, and loved everything. He then immediately goes on to say that both Dale and Lisa suck. In other words "We should totally win! But if we don't, it's not my fault!"
Commercials. Is it me, or is Bravo's lineup getting worse by the season? Once Project Runway jumps ship, what's left besides this show?
Judges' Table. The teams toast each other. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Winner to the table. The front of Richard's faux-hawk is pushed back, and he looks even loopier than usual. Team Winner is unsurprisingly declared victorious. Even Anthony was very impressed by the team's comportment and performance. Jose gets to announce this week's individual winner, and he chooses Stephanie, which I said in the short version was weird. I was thinking it was odd that the front-of-house person would win a challenge based on food, but since the judges saw her pasta and her cheesecake as standouts, it makes sense now. She wins two tickets to a culinary and wine tasting tour in Barcelona. Oh, snap! I've been there, but was horribly sick the whole time, and never got to enjoy it properly. Back in the Kitchen, Stephanie gives everyone on Team Loser a good-luck hug before they head to their doom.
Odd Asian music. Actually, I guess the Asian music makes total sense this week! OK, so... Asian music. Gong. Team Loser lines up, the expression on their faces showing that they're ready for battle, or at least a big hissyfit. Padma makes the remark that "a lot of the diners considered you the weaker team in this challenge". That sounds pretty fishy to me, like the comments were pretty evenly spread, and they're trying to bury it in semantics. I think it's great that this team lost, but don't see why the judges can't just say so. Asked who picked the ugly napkins, Spike says it was all three of them. Ah. So Spike, who earlier tried to wriggle out of any responsibility for anything not front-of-house related, is now trying to wriggle out of front-of-house related problems as well. He's hilarious, and not in the way he thinks he is. Anthony makes a good point when he says that the upscale decor only added to Team Loser's problems, as it suggested a place where a greasy dumpling is unforgivable, rather than a place where a greasy dumpling would be a delight.
The judges go on to excoriate the food. Dale takes responsibility for the butterscotch sauce, and admits that it was too sweet. Lisa takes responsibility for the laksa, and admits that it was too smoky. My hopes that these obnoxious freaks might actually act like adults this week rise. Except for Spike, of course, who's now busily explaining that his laksa is way better than Stupid Lisa Garbargeface's. Dale is asked where he was in this whole laksa process, and he says that he doesn't know laksa at all, and trusted his teammates to know what they were doing. That's a reasonable response, but the judges go back to that annoying argument they love so, which is that the executive chef is automatically to blame for anything going wrong. Asked about the relative highlight of the braised short ribs, the three chefs babble for a while before it's settled that they were Spike's recipe, but that Lisa and Dale actually made them.
Now, to the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad sticky rice. Here is where my hopes for a mature Judges' Table go up in flames. Lisa says she's never made sticky rice before, and that Dale selected the rice that went into it. This sparks a huge fight about whether he did or did not select the rice (he did), but neither of them seems to get that the kind of rice that went into this crap dessert isn't particularly germane to why it failed. After Dale and Lisa fight again, some more, FOREVER, Anthony intervenes. Jose is disgusted by the way they're acting, saying that these attitudes are not what this business is about. He then completely nails Spike for shrewdly choosing front-of-house duties to keep himself out of the line of fire. There's some talk about whether Dale, as executive chef, should have been able to keep a tighter rein on Lisa. I don't really buy that, just as I didn't when Lee Anne was blamed for not keeping control of Stephen. Trying to boss Lisa around would have made the experience even worse. They throw trite cliches at each other. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Team Loser was obviously working at cross-purposes from the very start. Spike is nothing to write home about, but did his job properly. I guess his tendency to ignore food and focus on the game actually paid off for once. Dale's butterscotch sauce was horrible. Lisa screwed up both of her dishes, and can't accept a word of criticism. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa and Spike snipe about Dale in whispers, and he crabs for them to just come out and say it. In the next sentence, he pretends not to care, and tells them they can whisper all they want. Convincing. And drop the fucking "street" gestures, please. You're about as intimidating as a Hello Kitty backpack full of daisies. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. Oh, I was wrong about the Bravo awards show giving out awards to other Bravo shows. So, it's not completely ridiculous. Just unnecessary.
Elimination. None of the chefs stepped up to the challenges of running a restaurant. Dale fell down on leadership, and his scallop dish was disgusting. Lisa made horrible food. Spike avoided trouble, whether by guile or luck. And with that, it's over to Padma for the chopping. I expect Lisa to go. The rest of the viewing party expects Lisa to go. Various plant life in Sweden expects Lisa to go. I begin to make an "L" in my notebook. Dale. Please pack your knives and go. Whaaaaaaaaa? Listen, I'm no fan of Dale's. I'd do a cartwheel right now if there were enough room, pleased as punch that I won't have to put up with this annoying twat anymore. But really? Dale over Lisa? I think in this challenge, it should really boil down to overall potential. Dale fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Lisa fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Dale failed to maintain a good line of communication with "his sous chef". Lisa failed to treat her "boss" with the proper respect. Based on the challenge alone, either one of them would be ripe for elimination, so why not cut the one whose food is consistently bad? What a strange choice.
Dale thanks the judges, but I'm not going to buy any pretense of class from someone who works overtime at being unpleasant. The chefs on Team Winner are just as shocked as everyone else to hear of Dale's elimination. In his final interview, he says he's happy with who he is, and tears up as he admits that he has trouble saying good-bye, though he manages one for everyone except his sworn enemy. He says he's made some bad decisions, but that doesn't make him a bad chef. No, he's probably a good chef. He's just a shitty human being.
P.S. - Anthony Bourdain's blog entry about this episode is worth reading. I agree with almost all of his points, except that chef personality clearly enters into decisions. Maybe not in this case, but if you look at the personas of the competitors and the order of elimination in all four seasons, you could practically plot most episodes' outcomes on a graph.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs looked at Lisa's terrible challenge placement record and were terrified of her cooking prowess, so someone sabotaged her rice. Either that or she just plain sucks. Not having to work on a team made Dale's competence soar, and he took the challenge win. Seeing which way the wind was blowing, Lisa sold Andrew out to the judges. His bizarre food and disdain for the challenge rules (after all, it's Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!) had probably sealed his fate anyway, but it sure showed what Lisa's like when the mask falls off. It's not much different from when the mask is on. I think Lisa needs a new mask. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. I made a salsa with corn, black beans, onion, tomato, cilantro, lime juice, cumin, and a little oil and sugar. It turned out well, though chopping the tomato and onion took four times what the entire prep time should have taken.
5:45 AM. Ptom sneaks into the house, and rouses the chefs from their beds. Luckily, nobody's naked. Everyone groggily heads down to the kitchen, where Ptom explains today's Quickfire.
LabRat: "You all have to come clean my house."
Ptom says that they're headed to a local greasy spoon diner to work the egg station for breakfast. Spike outlines how difficult that can be, after which we hear the traditional pointless interviews about how everyone wants to win, and how there's no room for error anymore, and blah blah blah.
Quickfire. The chefs walk into a crowded diner, and Dale says that there's a line out the door. I don't get that. I can see waiting around for dinner, but rare is the mood where I'll willingly stand around for a long time so that I can pay for the pleasure of scrambled eggs. Ptom settles at the counter with coffee and a paper, pausing only to introduce the diner's owner Helene, who will be observing the chefs and selecting a winner. The chefs get to watch how the kitchen runs for a few minutes, and will then take turns working the egg station or "The Hole". Heh. Antonia and her "Yo Biotch!" shirt are up first. She makes sure to call back her orders to the waitstaff, and Helene nods her approval. She holds down the line fairly well until Helene calls time. Stephanie, holding her own in the Fuck Up Every Quickfire Mini-Competition, ruins several eggs. Richard has issues with diner lingo, though we never hear any. Lisa melts styrofoam to-go containers. Spike is flustered. Dale has a lot of orders come in at once, but manages to rise to the occasion.
Results. Helene says that it's a tough challenge, and that all the chefs did a remarkable job. Remarkable enough that no bottom people are mentioned; only the two who most impressed Helene. Those two are Antonia and Dale, and Antonia scores the win. Yay! Ptom congratulates her, and tells her that she'll have an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. We all know that it's pretty even money at this point whether an "advantage" lives up to its name, so I'll believe it when I hear it. Ptom says that he'll be attending a charity event later, and won't be present for the Elimination Challenge. Double yay! Actually, that's not entirely fair. Ptom has been pretty tolerable so far this season. He sends them on their way. I ignore some wretched, awkward product placement.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs come into a large, mostly empty room, where they're met by Padma. She informs them that tomorrow night, they'll be running their own restaurants. Hey, I thought Restaurant Wars was replaced by the wedding challenge! I guess not. I don't enjoy the Restaurant Wars challenge as much as the chefs do, but who am I to step on their excitement? The chefs will be split into two teams, and each will receive about 35 diners. They'll have $1500 for food and $5000 for decor. As the winner of the Quickfire, Antonia gets to choose the team she works with. That sounds good, although being given that choice is often fraught with peril. Antonia has now been designated the team leader whether she likes it or not, so if the team goes down, it's likely that she'll be eliminated. Yikes.
Antonia is no fool, and picks Stephanie and Richard without hesitation, leaving Dale, Lisa, and Spike stuck together again. It pleases me enormously that the chefs with the crappiest personalities keep getting thrown together and have a miserable time, never thinking to examine why things are going so poorly. Stephanie points out that this is kind of a Wedding Wars rematch. Well, rather than assign different nicknames each time like I did with that episode, let's just go with the obvious and call Antonia/Richard/Stephanie Team Winner and Spike/Dale/Lisa Team Loser. Dale thinks Team Loser will do okay, now that they've dropped the dead weight that was Nikki. Yeah, SHE was the reason you guys sucked. Keep telling yourself that.
The chefs have an hour to plan. Team Winner takes a popular route by coming up with a "fine dining food in a very relaxed atmosphere" concept. In other words, "Let's make whatever the hell we want." Team Loser is going to do Asian food, of course. Lisa says it'll be "fun, good vibe, good energy". Has she met her teammates? Has she met herself? She and Dale flip a coin to determine who will be executive chef, and Dale wins, if the duty to look after this crew of infants can be considered "winning". Lisa interviews that Dale has pissed off a lot of people, especially herself and Spike, which makes her nervous for the team. See what I mean about how these three never really examine why their teams never work? Spike says that it's time for Team Loser to pull together and be professional. And naturally, Spike is the arbiter of workplace decorum. Don't you tell your coworkers that they're little bitches?
Commercials. Watching companies try to sell cars in the middle of a economic downturn rife with soaring gas prices is sort of funny, in a morbid kind of way.
With eight hours until the restaurants open, the teams go to Whole Foods for an hour of shopping time. Antonia points out that there won't be a well-stocked Kitchen to help them out this time, so they're just buying anything that they may need. Dale grabs some rice that claims to be good for rice puddings. After they check out, it's off to Pier 1 for another hour of shopping. Spike interviews that he's taking front-of-house responsibilities for this challenge, which he says will be tough. Yeah, "tough" in the sense that nobody who's ever taken front-of-house has ever been eliminated. Nice cover, Spike. Stephanie wants to keep Team Winner's restaurant decor fairly simple, while Spike says Team Loser's buying tons of Buddhas. With five hours until service, the chefs head into the restaurant space. Stephanie seems overly confident of Team Winner's victory, which makes me nervous. Why am I so jittery tonight? Lisa and Dale can't even choose what part of the kitchen to work in without getting snippy. Antonia says that she'll be executive chef for Team Winner, with Richard as sous chef and Stephanie on front-of-house.
Each course has two options. Team Winner's first course will be a beet and goat cheese salad with ras el hanout, or some linguine with clams. The second course will be trout with cauliflower or leg of lamb with some lamb loin as well. Dessert will be Stephanie's Gorgonzola cheesecake or Richard's banana "scallops", which we've seen before. Team Loser's first course will be a choice between shrimp laksa or pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The second course will be butterscotch miso scallops or braised short ribs, and dessert will be Dale's halo-halo and a mango sticky rice. Antonia points out again that Dale is fairly incapable of anything but Asian food. Is that such a detriment, though? I'm all for being well-rounded, but if you're going to specialize, Asian food is a good way to go. It's not like it'll ever be unpopular.
Spike is busy decorating, but makes sure he has some stamp on the food. He'll be braising the short ribs, which he says doesn't take a lot of work. Team Winner discovers that they didn't buy pasta, so they have to make their own. Man, if this season weren't already subtitled "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!", then "Top Chef 4 - It's Pastariffic!" would be there to snap it up. Antonia worries about getting it done on time. At this point, Anthony Bourdain strides into the kitchen, as he is taking Ptom's place for the week.
Tiffany: "Hi, I'm here to be condescending."
The chefs are appropriately nervous. Spike interviews that if anyone can identify good Asian food, it's Anthony, so that adds some pressure. Both teams present a nice, united front. Everything's going great! No problems here! Anthony comes out to give the audience his impressions, and it is here that we discover that the major problem with the Ptimewasting segment rests with Ptom. Anthony says that Team Winner has deliberately created modest expectations, which makes it that much easier to exceed them. Meanwhile, Team Loser has a more challenging menu, which means they'll either do really well or really poorly. He says that they're confident with preparing Asian food, but "Asia's big. How good can you be at all of those things?" Lisa's laksa, in particular, must meet a high expectation, but if Team Loser can pull it off, it will be a major accomplishment. So Anthony just gave us information that was pertinent, insightful, and even kind of funny. Ptom can rarely dredge up even one of the three. Can we make this replacement permanent?
Anthony walks back into the kitchen, and tells the teams that since there's so much to do, they'll each get an additional pair of hands to help them. In come Jennifer, Nikki, Mark, and Andrew. Anthony Troy McClures that the chefs may remember these guys from such shows as this one. Hehe. Antonia is thrilled to have someone to roll out Team Winner's pasta. Team Loser gets to pick first. Andrew looks as psycho as ever, and Mark looks as stoned as ever, so Team Loser snags Jenn. Nikki the Pasta Queen is, of course, welcome over at Team Winner. Mark and Andrew leave, with Mark wishing everyone luck. Anthony tells the chefs they've got three hours left, and to make good use of their time.
Back to work, scrubs! Dale's halo-halo is to be accompanied by an avocado mousse, but one of the avocados must have been off, because the mixture is brown mush, and looks disgusting. He says he'll try to fix it, and if he can't, they'll toss it off the menu. Disappointing, but simple enough, right? Yes, but this is Dale we're talking about, so setbacks aren't met with calm competence; they're met with cursing and tantrums. Team Loser's problems continue when Lisa discovers that her rice has been pulled off the heat before it's done. Maybe Lisa should just avoid rice for the rest of her time. I don't even mean her time on the show. I mean her time on Earth. So now they're both in bad moods, and Lisa says that that's all Dale's fault, because she can't be cheerful when people around her are sour. Handy. Over at Team Winner, Nikki is proving more useful than just providing another pair of hands, as she discovers a lot of grit in the clams. Richard says that they should be fine, but Nikki tests them again, and finds grit again, so Antonia decides the clams should be rewashed. She interviews that rather than squabbling over individual dishes, they're all making sure that everything is successful, so that the entire team can win. How far in life does she expect to get with that reasonable, respectful attitude? She should punch a locker or something.
Lisa asks Dale to taste her food (the laksa, I think), and he says that he's not getting any spice off of it, just smoke. Spike finds something off about it, too. The editors do a nice job of showing the contrast between the two teams by Dale's interview that it's Lisa's soup, so what does he care if it sucks, and Spike's that nobody can hold him accountable for any problems with the food. Now, that's an attitude that'll get you ahead in life! With one hour until service, some waitstaff enters. Stephanie gives them the menu, and emphasizes having a good, fun experience. She doesn't want it to be a stuffy, suit-and-tie affair. And...contrast! Spike puts on a suit and tie, and isn't wearing a hat, for once. I'm surprised he was able to resist. He sets his waiters to work on setting tables and polishing flatware. With forty-five minutes left, Lisa finds that her mango sticky rice isn't sticky. Quick quiz! Does the blame for this lie with:
a) Lisa
b) Anyone in the world except Lisa
I'll bet you can guess Lisa's answer. Yes, she was "forced into" doing the sticky rice. Huh, I guess they edited out the scene where she was beaten with sticks until she tearfully agreed to take that on. Dale comes up with a suggestion to fold in a pastry cream to make the rice stickier, but when she does that, it turns out like mush. Dale tells her to throw it in a pot (and heat it, presumably) to season it. Time begins to wind down. Everyone makes final preparations. The doors open, and diners begin to flood in. Stephanie pastes a generic hey-there-how-can-I-help-you smile on her face.
Commercials. If you don't eat soy bars, how will you ever master the jump rope?
Stephanie seats some diners. Antonia interviews that historically, all teams have some disaster befall them in this challenge. It never goes entirely well for anyone. Spike hopes his underdog team can come from behind. I hope they fail miserably, and all three of them are eliminated. The judges head to Team Winner's side first. Padma introduces the judges. Along with herself and Anthony, Ted is again stepping in for Gail (boo!), and this week's guest judge is Jose Andres, a chef from Spain who will soon have a show on PBS. I love Spanish food; I may have to check that out. Antonia and Richard hop to get the judges' food ready in a hurry. Ted is pissy before he even takes a bite. My patience with him has almost entirely run out, especially because from what little I've read, the contestants have far more food and cooking credentials than him. Anyway, Stephanie serves and explains the first course. The beet salad looks kind of strange, but I've always had kind of a roller coaster relationship with beets, so I'm not the best judge. The linguine and clams comes with some sausage and a horseradish creme fraiche. The judges like everything more than they expected to, and the regular diners enjoy it as well.
The next course is the trout with cauliflower and the two kinds of lamb. The presentation is lovely, which the judges note. They also like all the flavors. Can it be? Could a team actually pull off a successful Restaurant Wars menu? Only dessert will tell. Stephanie brings out the savory Gorgonzola cheesecake with a sweet potato puree and a concord grape sauce. Richard's banana "scallops" are served with a banana guacamole and chocolate ice cream. I'd really like to try both of those dishes. Although the brown, poopy smear of chocolate on the plate doesn't appeal to the judges, the flavors do, and they also give points for difficulty in combining a sweet and savory dessert. Go Team Winner! The judges head over to Team Loser.
Panny: "Oh, this is going to be one nightmare after another."
Spike seats the judges, and silently endures their barbs about the purple napkins. Lisa frets over her crappy laksa. Dale yells at the waiters to take out the food, then calls them assholes when they go. Wouldn't you love to work for him? Spike presents the spicy coconut shrimp laksa (in very pretty bowls, I must say), and the pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The pot stickers get a good review, but the laksa is too smoky, just as Dale said it was. Spike comes back to the kitchen long enough to whine about the portion size of the short rib. After Lisa and Dale shoo him out, Dale calls him a fucking idiot. Seriously, the line to have Dale as your boss forms at the left. Hey, where's everyone going? The short ribs look good. They're served with pickled red cabbage and an apple basil salad. The butterscotch miso scallops are served with spicy eggplant and some pickled long beans. The butterscotch sauce is not a hit with either the judges or the diners.
Dale asks a mild question about Lisa's rice, and she snaps at him for seemingly no reason. Let's stick to calling Dale an asshole when he's actually being one, please. It's not like you'll have to wait too long for the opportunity. In fact, it takes approximately two seconds, as he begins yelling at Spike and the waiters again. Lisa hates Dale. Dale hates Lisa. Everyone hates both of them. Spike brings out dessert. The halo-halo looks like wheat germ juice. The mango sticky rice has toasted coconut on top. The judges say the halo-halo comes across as predictable, but successful. "Compared to this atrocity," Padma says, holding up the sticky rice. I think she may be drunk. Nobody likes it at all. Anthony calls it "baby vomit with wood chips". The diners agree that Team Loser's dessert sucked. Some noses are wrinkled in disgust. They fill out comment cards for both teams, which the judges will take into account. The chefs try to schmooze the diners for compliments. Jennifer tells Dale she hopes she was helpful. Well, I doubt she could have made this team any worse, so there's that. Spike says that Team Loser's diners didn't hear any hint of the turmoil in the kitchen, and loved everything. He then immediately goes on to say that both Dale and Lisa suck. In other words "We should totally win! But if we don't, it's not my fault!"
Commercials. Is it me, or is Bravo's lineup getting worse by the season? Once Project Runway jumps ship, what's left besides this show?
Judges' Table. The teams toast each other. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Winner to the table. The front of Richard's faux-hawk is pushed back, and he looks even loopier than usual. Team Winner is unsurprisingly declared victorious. Even Anthony was very impressed by the team's comportment and performance. Jose gets to announce this week's individual winner, and he chooses Stephanie, which I said in the short version was weird. I was thinking it was odd that the front-of-house person would win a challenge based on food, but since the judges saw her pasta and her cheesecake as standouts, it makes sense now. She wins two tickets to a culinary and wine tasting tour in Barcelona. Oh, snap! I've been there, but was horribly sick the whole time, and never got to enjoy it properly. Back in the Kitchen, Stephanie gives everyone on Team Loser a good-luck hug before they head to their doom.
Odd Asian music. Actually, I guess the Asian music makes total sense this week! OK, so... Asian music. Gong. Team Loser lines up, the expression on their faces showing that they're ready for battle, or at least a big hissyfit. Padma makes the remark that "a lot of the diners considered you the weaker team in this challenge". That sounds pretty fishy to me, like the comments were pretty evenly spread, and they're trying to bury it in semantics. I think it's great that this team lost, but don't see why the judges can't just say so. Asked who picked the ugly napkins, Spike says it was all three of them. Ah. So Spike, who earlier tried to wriggle out of any responsibility for anything not front-of-house related, is now trying to wriggle out of front-of-house related problems as well. He's hilarious, and not in the way he thinks he is. Anthony makes a good point when he says that the upscale decor only added to Team Loser's problems, as it suggested a place where a greasy dumpling is unforgivable, rather than a place where a greasy dumpling would be a delight.
The judges go on to excoriate the food. Dale takes responsibility for the butterscotch sauce, and admits that it was too sweet. Lisa takes responsibility for the laksa, and admits that it was too smoky. My hopes that these obnoxious freaks might actually act like adults this week rise. Except for Spike, of course, who's now busily explaining that his laksa is way better than Stupid Lisa Garbargeface's. Dale is asked where he was in this whole laksa process, and he says that he doesn't know laksa at all, and trusted his teammates to know what they were doing. That's a reasonable response, but the judges go back to that annoying argument they love so, which is that the executive chef is automatically to blame for anything going wrong. Asked about the relative highlight of the braised short ribs, the three chefs babble for a while before it's settled that they were Spike's recipe, but that Lisa and Dale actually made them.
Now, to the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad sticky rice. Here is where my hopes for a mature Judges' Table go up in flames. Lisa says she's never made sticky rice before, and that Dale selected the rice that went into it. This sparks a huge fight about whether he did or did not select the rice (he did), but neither of them seems to get that the kind of rice that went into this crap dessert isn't particularly germane to why it failed. After Dale and Lisa fight again, some more, FOREVER, Anthony intervenes. Jose is disgusted by the way they're acting, saying that these attitudes are not what this business is about. He then completely nails Spike for shrewdly choosing front-of-house duties to keep himself out of the line of fire. There's some talk about whether Dale, as executive chef, should have been able to keep a tighter rein on Lisa. I don't really buy that, just as I didn't when Lee Anne was blamed for not keeping control of Stephen. Trying to boss Lisa around would have made the experience even worse. They throw trite cliches at each other. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Team Loser was obviously working at cross-purposes from the very start. Spike is nothing to write home about, but did his job properly. I guess his tendency to ignore food and focus on the game actually paid off for once. Dale's butterscotch sauce was horrible. Lisa screwed up both of her dishes, and can't accept a word of criticism. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa and Spike snipe about Dale in whispers, and he crabs for them to just come out and say it. In the next sentence, he pretends not to care, and tells them they can whisper all they want. Convincing. And drop the fucking "street" gestures, please. You're about as intimidating as a Hello Kitty backpack full of daisies. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. Oh, I was wrong about the Bravo awards show giving out awards to other Bravo shows. So, it's not completely ridiculous. Just unnecessary.
Elimination. None of the chefs stepped up to the challenges of running a restaurant. Dale fell down on leadership, and his scallop dish was disgusting. Lisa made horrible food. Spike avoided trouble, whether by guile or luck. And with that, it's over to Padma for the chopping. I expect Lisa to go. The rest of the viewing party expects Lisa to go. Various plant life in Sweden expects Lisa to go. I begin to make an "L" in my notebook. Dale. Please pack your knives and go. Whaaaaaaaaa? Listen, I'm no fan of Dale's. I'd do a cartwheel right now if there were enough room, pleased as punch that I won't have to put up with this annoying twat anymore. But really? Dale over Lisa? I think in this challenge, it should really boil down to overall potential. Dale fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Lisa fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Dale failed to maintain a good line of communication with "his sous chef". Lisa failed to treat her "boss" with the proper respect. Based on the challenge alone, either one of them would be ripe for elimination, so why not cut the one whose food is consistently bad? What a strange choice.
Dale thanks the judges, but I'm not going to buy any pretense of class from someone who works overtime at being unpleasant. The chefs on Team Winner are just as shocked as everyone else to hear of Dale's elimination. In his final interview, he says he's happy with who he is, and tears up as he admits that he has trouble saying good-bye, though he manages one for everyone except his sworn enemy. He says he's made some bad decisions, but that doesn't make him a bad chef. No, he's probably a good chef. He's just a shitty human being.
P.S. - Anthony Bourdain's blog entry about this episode is worth reading. I agree with almost all of his points, except that chef personality clearly enters into decisions. Maybe not in this case, but if you look at the personas of the competitors and the order of elimination in all four seasons, you could practically plot most episodes' outcomes on a graph.
Overall Grade: B
Monday, May 19, 2008
Serve and Protect
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 10
Previously on Top Chef: Team Awesome appeared to have the goods and dispositions to completely demolish Team Crappy, but in a dramatic twist... That's exactly what happened. Dale spent the episode needing a pacifier and a nap. The chefs and Andrew's culinary boner catered a wedding, and when Nikki didn't step up to take charge of the Italian menu, no amount of her teammates' mistakes and arguments could save her. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. A veggie platter, a plate of cheese that lasted four seconds once LabRat set his sights on it, ginger snaps (store-bought, yes, but still an amazingly comforting food), and some much-needed sparkling white that Kender was good enough to share.
A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Stephanie plucks her eyebrows, and we learn that Richard wears pink crocs. No need to call his sexuality into question; just his taste. Everyone's still pretty tired from the all-night wedding challenge. Spike, talking about Dale, interviews the same point I've made countless times in this blog -- having an "I'm not here to make friends" attitude is fairly pointless and likely to haunt you at some point. Dale doesn't much care about what the others think. You know, except when he'd like them to help him with his work. Andrew is the only one who isn't worn down at this point. He's still a big 'ol bag of crazy, interviewing that he's ready to either stab someone or make some amazing food. Oh, why limit yourself? Those things aren't mutually exclusive! The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Season 2 contestant Sam. Antonia dutifully interviews about how good-looking he is. I imagine we're supposed to forget about how that attractive shell surrounds a passive-aggressive, shit-starting, screaming bully. Hey, producers... Remember how everyone hated the second season? Remember how you didn't even have a reunion show, because you rightly guessed that nobody wanted to watch yet ANOTHER hour of a gang of assholes piling on an annoying-but-harmless guy? Let me offer this hint to you, completely free of charge: The best way to put that behind you is to let the twats who competed that season sink back into obscurity where they belong.
At any rate, Sam will be the guest judge for the week, because being a pretty sack of personality flaws doesn't mean you can't cook. Plus, he's diabetic, which figures into the challenges. For the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish that has "fallen on some hard times". The salad. Fallen on some hard times, my ass. Every eatery, from the finest restaurant to the corner coffee shop to the fast food greasebomb on the interstate serves them these days. Not that it's always quality food, but everyone recognizes their worth. If anything, I'd say we're almost in a Golden Age for salads. The chefs know that making a good and interesting salad can be just as difficult as making a good and interesting entree. They've got forty-five minutes to create a new and "sexy" salad. The fact that the producers are trying to punch this challenge up by nonsensically adding "sexy" to it is embarrassing for them, and I'll do them the favor of not mentioning it again. Padma starts the clock, and Andrew and Spike go from zero to running almost instantly. Impressive.
Spike says that Quickfires aren't his forte. Don't sell yourself short, Spike. Looking at your challenge record, I'd say that Elimination Challenges aren't your forte, either. He throws some meat on the grill. Richard's doing a take on ceviche. Lisa disdains the simplicity of other people's salads. She goes on to say that some other people don't belong here, as they're not great chefs, and their personalities suck ass. The camera helpfully jumps over to Dale. Eh, I don't disagree, but since Sam is judging this week, I wouldn't count on someone with a sucky personality being dinged for it. I'm sure Lisa herself will continue to be a ray of joy and friendliness. Stephanie concentrates on autumnal flavors. Antonia works on a spinach salad with poached egg and bacon. Yum. She notes that Lisa is using lobster, and interviews that Lisa is stronger competition than Antonia originally pegged her as. Time winds down. Chefs run to and fro. When time runs out, Stephanie realizes that she forgot to put her artichoke chip on the plate. Geez. I can tell she's one of the more talented chefs, but could she suck harder at Quickfires?
Padma and Sam go down the line. Andrew has made a Thai fruit salad with mango, strawberry, raspberry, and Sriracha dressing with lime juice and sugar. Sam says the Sriracha has a nice flavor. Spike's plate is a mess, but sounds tasty. It includes skirt steak, pineapple, radish, cucumber, and greens. Lisa has grilled squid and lobster tail, and put them into a salad that also has banana and grapefruit yuzu vinaigrette. Now, I love squid, I love lobster, and I love bananas. Together, though? It sounds pretty nasty. All Padma and Sam can taste is the banana. Stephanie's "fall duet" is poached pear and artichokes with a pear vinaigrette. She mentions the missing artichoke chips that should be on top. I would have just pretended they never existed, and hoped for the best. I doubt one scores a lot of points for forthrightness, at least in the Quickfire.
Antonia presents her spinach salad with poached egg, wild mushrooms, sunchokes, bacon vinaigrette, and squash blossoms. I withdraw my "yum" until those mushrooms are removed. The egg bursts into glorious yolk gore when it's cut, which is the perfect way to eat poached eggs. Sam says it has great flavor. Richard calls his salad "fresh and clean", and it looks like a plate of rabbit food. Salads like this are why people make fun of vegetarians. All we hear about it is that it's a ceviche of various fruits and vegetables. Dale has made a poached chicken salad (which is in quotes for some reason -- is it or isn't it a poached chicken salad?) with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinegar. It's pretty. Sam tells him that he's successfully avoided the pitfall of overdrying the poached chicken.
Results. First in the bottom three is Richard, whose salad needed acid. Next is Stephanie, who didn't plate all her food, and whose vinaigrette was lacking. Last in the bottom three is Lisa, and I owe Stephanie a bit of an apology, for while she's not good in Quickfires, Lisa's even worse. Her salad was all banana. First in the top three is Spike, who had a well-balanced, flavorful salad. Antonia's salad had great texture. Dale's use of nori was inspired. Pissy shot of Lisa. Padma asks who Sam has selected as the Quickfire winner, and he chooses Spike. Spike is pleased to score his first Quickfire win, even though he doesn't get immunity. Padma tells him he'll get a significant advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Oh, an "advantage"? What, does he get to choose which car he'll ride over to the store in?
Elimination Challenge. Padma and Sam bring in a tray of greasy food, like burgers and onion rings. Lisa describes this, but sheepishly admits that she's kind of craving it now. See, I wish we saw more of that Lisa. When she's not devoting herself to being a cranky witch, she can be kind of awesome. Richard just concentrates on how this is going to figure into the challenge. Padma says that obesity is a big problem in America. It certainly doesn't help me find a seat on the train. Move over, fatass. Sam says that as a diabetic, it can be tough to find flavorful food that's low in carbs and sugar. The greasy food shown is a typical lunch order for Chicago's finest, and Padma tells them that their challenge this week will be to create a gourmet boxed lunch for policemen. The chefs must all use a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike gets a ten-minute head start on the shopping. Not only that, but the ingredients he chooses to fulfill the four requirements may not be used by any other chef. He is, of course, delighted at another opportunity to be a rapscallion, because in case the hats didn't tip you off, image is very important to him. Stephanie knows that he's going to screw everyone else over, but Andrew doesn't care, saying that his background in nutrition will pull him through.
Commercials. Go discover the "original" flavors at Qdoba. They're the only Mexican eatery that would ever think of stuff like cheese, flour tortillas, and tomatoes.
Whole Foods. Spike begins his ten-minute head start. Since he so enjoys being delightfully naughty, his strategy is to select ingredients that will screw over his competition the hardest. Not that I'm against creating obstacles for your competitors -- it's certainly fair in this case -- but you'd think he'd at least put a modicum of thought into what he's going to, you know, COOK. He does not. He selects chicken breast, bread, lettuce, and tomato as his four components. These are obviously Everyman kinds of ingredients, and will force the other chefs to be that much more creative. Antonia, once again speaking from within my brain, says that Spike's ingredient choices make her think that he hasn't put a lot of thought into his own dish. Spike pats himself on the back for being so devious, failing to notice the giant banner reading "Pride Goeth Before..." that may as well be hanging above the door. Andrew disdains the idea that he'd use such dumbed-down ingredients anyway, though he certainly doesn't put it past his competitors.
So now everyone has half an hour and $175 to shop. Stephanie admits she was thinking of doing something with chicken and tomatoes, and now has to rethink her plan. Her new plan apparently involves feeling up the phallic squash. Lisa's Plan B revolves around stir-fry, and she grabs some shrimp. Richard wants to do a play on a burrito with bok choy and tuna. Andrew plays up his nutritional background again. Know what he doesn't have a strong background in? Listening to challenge parameters. Er...spoiler!
The next morning, the chefs get started on their two hours of preparations. Stephanie explains that the police officers will be in charge of microwaving their own food; the chefs just need to hand everything over with instructions. Antonia works on curried beef with jasmine and brown rice, and a grapefruit salad. She recalls that she's been doing well with healthy cooking challenges, and is confident she's in good shape. Andrew is whipping together a sushi roll, but instead of rice, he's combining parsnip and pine nuts. The rest will be raw salmon and lots of vegetables. He wants to show everyone else who The Man is. If it's The Man Who Never Listens to the Challenge Parameters, he can set up a little tent, and start charging five cents admission right now. Stephanie wonders how a few bites of sushi is going to be a hearty, fulfilling lunch.
Dale makes some lettuce cups that are really cabbage, neatly circumventing Spike's obstacle. His protein is bison meat, which he's preparing in a Vietnamese style. He explains that bison has fifty percent less fat and cholesterol than beef. Good to know. Antonia sniffs that Dale can only make Asian food. Lisa says her dish with be mainly vegetables, with the shrimp thrown into a shrimp/pineapple soy sauce. She starts her brown rice early, saying that it takes a long time. Andrew admonishes Lisa about the high cholesterol in shrimp. Lisa, who is no slouch herself in the "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" motif of the season, proves she's learned something by pointing out that the challenge specifically calls for low carbs and low fat, but says nothing about cholesterol. She doesn't want to be on the chopping block for good food/bad idea again, so she's trying to be careful.
Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Stephanie explains her mushroom/leek soup with meatballs, saying nothing about the squash she's stirring. Lisa's throwing some edamame into her stir-fry, and asks if Ptom dares to try her hot sauce. He dares, and from the look on his face, this sauce is no joke in the heat department. Spike is making chicken salad. We don't hear much about it, so I don't know how it differs from an ordinary, run-of-the-mill chicken salad anyone could whip together in twenty minutes. Richard is throwing rice, lentils, tuna, and quinoa into his faux burritos. After telling everyone to start boxing their food, Ptom tells us that everyone seems focused, and nobody wants to be eliminated. Fascinating.
With a little less than half an hour left, Lisa suddenly discovers that the burner under her brown rice has been turned up to high. This makes the outside burnt and the inside raw. She firmly believes that she's been sabotaged. Stephanie and Dale aren't buying, interviewing that someone, possibly Lisa herself, just made a mistake. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I'm with them. As with shady dealings in the past, if this truly was intentional sabotage, I find it odd that none of the four hundred bazillion cameras caught a glimpse of it. Besides, I find it hard to believe that people are very threatened by Lisa. Tonight's Quickfire is the sixth challenge in a row she's been at the bottom of. Not exactly a force to be reckoned with, there. She tries to salvage the rice by putting some cooking liquid on it, hoping that the microwave takes care of the rest. Time begins to wind down. Dale nearly eats it tripping over a trashcan. Spike drops a knife. People rush to put things in coolers. Spike drops more knives. Does he have an inner ear infection? Everyone wheels their coolers out, Richard's fugly pink crocs bringing up the rear.
Commercials. Watch a Bravo awards show in which Bravo gives awards to...shows on Bravo.
Police academy. Training montage. One female recruit is terrible at push-ups. The chefs pull up, and we hear what the challenge entails for like the third time. They enter the cafeteria, and have a few minutes to set up their stuff and write descriptive labels about the food and how to heat it up, if necessary. Lisa frets over her rice. Uniformed officers stride in. I fruitlessly scan for hot ones. Cops line up at the tables, and the chefs explain what they've made. Richard cheeses it up by asking everyone who approaches his table if they like burritos. He interviews something unimportant, which I only bring up to point out that he's wearing a hairband at the front of his faux-hawk, which makes him look like this. Spike makes fun of Richard's gimmick. Spike himself would never stoop to something so weak and obvious. Except that he sets out his boxed lunches two at a time, trying to make it appear like they're in demand. Ooh, what a rapscallion! Cops chow down.
Stephanie gives the judges (including Ted instead of Gail -- boo!) her mushroom and meatball soup with barley, a squash and celery root vegetable puree, and some yogurt. The cops and judges enjoy it. Spike gives Padma his chicken salad. The bread, tomato, and lettuce are all on the side, so they're unessential to the chicken salad itself, which combines grapes, olives, and jicama, but leaves out the mayo. A cop likes it, but the judges are unimpressed with how pedestrian it is, and how Spike didn't really use three of his four components. Dale hands out his lemongrass bison cabbage wrap with brown rice and an herb salad. That sounds good; I love lemongrass. Ted thinks it could use some heat, but likes it overall. Antonia gives two officers her curry beef with filet mignon, jasmine rice, berries, figs, and grape syrup. I'd be curious to try that. Padma heartily enjoys the flavors. Sam agrees in a deadpan monotone.
Andrew gives Ted a dish with four lonely little sushi bites in it. As mentioned before, it's a salmon roll with a parsnip/pine nut "rice", and some pickled ginger with wasabi. Food tidbit for you: Wasabi apparently helps fight tooth decay. Cue "The More You Know" star. The cops and judges find it strange and messy. Padma notes that Andrew didn't use any whole grain, as was stipulated in the rules. Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Richard asks Sam his stock question about liking burritos. Spike smirks. Richard gives Sam a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa wrapped in a rice paper tortilla. There is some hot sauce and fresh lime on the side.
Limecrete: "That looks really good."
Tiffany: "I don't know, I've never really been a big fan of tuna."
Limecrete: "That's not what I've heard."
Everyone enjoys the burrito, including an officer of indeterminate... Well... I mean, I feel entitled to make fun of the chefs all I want, as they signed up for the experience of being dissected and ridiculed. But I don't want to be too harsh with random people who find themselves on the show, unless they bring it on themselves. So it is with no judgment that I say that the person nodding their approval over the burrito isn't easily labeled, gender-wise. Ptom gets Lisa's stir-fry, which aside from the shrimp and brown rice, has some berries and yogurt on the side. Padma immediately picks up on the undercooked rice. A cop remarks on the incredibly spicy sauce, but covers his manliness by insisting that it's very good. His equally manly friend agrees that the spice isn't overpowering. The camera cuts away, and the two of them fall to floor in the fetal position. OK, not really. I'm just trying to wring some entertainment out of this. The police take their leave, and the chefs are right behind them, speculating about their chances. Dale doesn't think there's a clear winner and loser, as there has been in past challenges. The judges remain in the cafeteria to deliberate, and already seem to have their favorites and least favorites picked out.
Commercials. Guy's Face: "Thanks for the tip about these new phones. Now get off my property."
Fret 'n' sweat. As Lisa talks about her rice issues, Andrew finally catches the snap that he didn't include a whole grain, as he was supposed to. Padma enters, and summons Dale and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Obviously, these two had the favorites of the judges, though I wonder why they didn't pick a third. Dale says he wanted to make something satisfying. Ptom thinks he did a great job with texture and flavor. Stephanie says she's fairly unfamiliar with barley, but is happy with the way her soup came out. Ted says that seasoning has been a problem in some chefs' food, but that Stephanie's was done very well. Sam gets to announce the week's winner, who had the more substantial and unique food. That winner is Dale, who gets a bottle of wine and two tickets to visit the winery where it's made.
LabRat: "Why does he need two tickets? He won't find anyone who wants to go with him."
Dale smiles and thanks the judges. He's not my favorite crayon in the box, but that dish of his today certainly did look good. He's happy with his challenge track record of five wins in twenty challenges. He does not mention the five of twenty challenges in which he's been at the bottom or at least on a losing team. Padma asks him to send out this week's losers. Unsurprisingly, it's Spike, Lisa, and Andrew, so make that seven challenges in a row that Lisa's blown.
Odd Asian music. Gong. The three losing chefs trudge in, and if I had to guess, I'd say that no matter who gets chopped tonight, the other two are ripe for elimination within the next two weeks, anyway. That would leave a final four of Antonia, Stephanie, Richard, and Dale. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's my bet. I'm putting my chips down on the table. Padma asks Andrew if his dish was substantial enough for a hearty lunch. He thinks it was, given the amount of nutrients that went into it. He explains it fairly well, but slips when he says the roll would hold people for at least three hours. Ptom points out that three hours after lunch, people are still at work, and if they're hungry, that's the point that they're reaching for a candy bar. Andrew reveals that in addition to missing the whole grain part of the challenge, he missed the "hearty" part as well. I think he was just busy listening to the merry tune that plays in his head at all times.
Ted twists the knife further, asking if a raw sushi roll is relatable enough to people used to eating burgers and such. That's a little much. They're cops, not cavemen. I don't think they'd run away screaming at the sight of sushi. Andrew, starting to lose his cool, says that he'd rather serve something new that expands horizons, rather than something reminiscent of a burger. He wants to serve the "most healthiest" dish ever. You know, after the "literally buried in spinach" last week, I don't even have the strength. The consensus is that Andrew favored health to the detriment of flavor, and when he says that people came back for more, Ptom gripes that it was because they hadn't gotten enough food the first time.
Spike is asked why he did chicken salad, and instead of the honest answer ("It was the only thing I could make with the ingredients I cockblocked from the other chefs"), he blathers something about how much he likes it and how accessible it is, cribbing off the criticism of Andrew's food. What's hilarious about Spike is how he always thinks he's outsmarting the other chefs at every turn, and more often than not, winds up shooting himself in the foot, learning nothing in the process. It's like watching Wile E. Coyote fall off the same cliff every week. It's not that I expect him to graciously step aside and let his competitors win; I just think if he kept his eyes on his own paper more often, he'd do better on the test. When specifically asked if he picked his components to be to his advantage or to disadvantage everyone else, he out-and-out lies and says it was for his own advantage. The big problem wasn't even the non-use of his required components, but the combination of grapes and olives, which Ptom didn't like. Spike, just as in Block Party, blames us uncultured hicks, saying that we'd be perfectly content with the flavor combination, even if Ptom's astronomically gifted palate wasn't. You can assume my eyes are rolling so hard as to almost evacuate my head during this entire segment. Ptom says that four dishes were unquestionably better than Spike's, and Spike chooses the least successful response he possibly could, saying that that's Ptom's opinion. Ptom duhs that his opinion is kind of what counts in this competition.
Lisa is asked why she thinks she's at the losers' table, and she sneers that the judges may as well tell her, as they're the ones that brought her here. Yeah, at this point, I'd be perfectly happy with cutting all three of these people and moving on. Ptom tells her that her stir-fry wasn't really much of a stir-fry, and that several things on her plate were undercooked. The rice is mentioned, though it's far from the only thing criticized. It is, however, the only thing Lisa has a hope of defending, so she spins her sabotage theory. That theory is never resolved, so make of it what you will. Ptom reiterates that even if it were so, her food's problems extended beyond the rice.
Padma asks if anyone has anything more to say, and this where Lisa's bitch star goes supernova. She turns Andrew in for not using a whole grain. Now, we know the judges already know about that, but the chefs don't. So Lisa's accusation has nothing to do with wanting to abide by challenge rules. She's just desperately trying to dig her way out of trouble by burying someone else. And as with Spike, I don't expect the chefs to let other people win, but the way you win is by cooking good food; not by use of underhanded tricks. I know Sam knows what I'm talking about. Ass. The judges are already down on Andrew for a multitude of reasons. He's firmly in the bottom three. I'm not saying it's unfair for Lisa to have brought this up, just mighty distasteful. The judges do ask Andrew why he didn't use a whole grain, and he stupidly says he lost his rule sheet. See why Lisa's attack was so unnecessary? Andrew's got enough rope to tie his own noose and have enough left over to moor a fleet of sailboats. Lisa tries to play the integrity card, which... No. She says he would have done the same to her, which he denies. I believe him. He may be kind of psycho, but dirty tricks aren't really his style. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Andrew tries to psych Lisa out by staring all cuckoo-eyed at her, but only succeeds in psyching out Antonia. He climbs to the wrong moral high-ground, whining that Lisa selling him out is poor repayment for his friendly warning about the high cholesterol content of her shrimp. He's really reaching, as the judges never took issue with the cholesterol of her food, and as Lisa said, it's not particularly germane to the challenge. There's some tiresome blather about "shows me who you are" and "we're in a competition", and it's nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. The judges deliberate. Ptom says that sabotage is not a legitimate excuse for Lisa, which I'm sorry, is bullshit. I don't think it was sabotage in this case, but if someone did intentionally ruin another chef's food, the victimized chef should not be penalized. And frankly, I doubt they would be, lest the show open itself up to a lawsuit. Thankfully for the judges, there was plenty else to hate about Lisa's food. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and spent so much time worrying about the game that he forgot about the food. Andrew didn't use a whole grain, and even if he had, he essentially ignored the challenge to make whatever he wanted.
More tiresome fighting in the Kitchen. Andrew brings up the bus metaphor for the second time this episode. Seriously, with the buses. He does bring up the good point that Lisa has some nerve being all judgmental about his food when she's trying to hide behind a weak "sabotaged rice" excuse. The judges make a decision, which for some reason, Padma feels the need to announce is unanimous. Neato. Andrew tells Lisa he hopes the audience gets to see how she just acted. Wish granted.
Commercials. Who needs men when you can fellate a sandwich? Right, creepy bowl-cut lady?
Elimination. All three of these chefs suck. Ptom grants that the challenge wasn't easy. He makes a weak food police pun I'll do him the favor of not exploring. Andrew didn't provide anything delicious or of substance. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and had a weird, off-putting flavor profile. Lisa should be omniscient, and said she had a stir-fry, when what she really had was a plate of steamed vegetables. He gives it over to Padma for the chopping. Andrew. Please pack your knives and go. He tells the judges that there will be no need for security guards this time.
LabRat: "They've probably got them there, anyway."
He thanks the judges, and says that he will leave with honor. Honor is one of those things you cannot praise yourself for, like modesty and class. He's almost hushed as he goes, saying that he doesn't have any problems with anyone else, as he's not going to talk to most of them again, anyway. Subtle. He says he and Spike will be BFF forever and that Lisa's weak. Yep, full of honor, that one. Lisa gets the rare interjection interview, in which she says he deserves to go for not following the rules. Of course, by that logic, Lisa should have been eliminated three weeks ago. Andrew gets some good-bye hugs in the Kitchen. Spike whines that he doesn't have any buddies left in the house. I struggle to care, and fail. Andrew proudly says that he's never been one to stick to the rules. Guess we don't have to mourn your elimination, then. See ya, Looney Tunes.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on Top Chef: Team Awesome appeared to have the goods and dispositions to completely demolish Team Crappy, but in a dramatic twist... That's exactly what happened. Dale spent the episode needing a pacifier and a nap. The chefs and Andrew's culinary boner catered a wedding, and when Nikki didn't step up to take charge of the Italian menu, no amount of her teammates' mistakes and arguments could save her. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. A veggie platter, a plate of cheese that lasted four seconds once LabRat set his sights on it, ginger snaps (store-bought, yes, but still an amazingly comforting food), and some much-needed sparkling white that Kender was good enough to share.
A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Stephanie plucks her eyebrows, and we learn that Richard wears pink crocs. No need to call his sexuality into question; just his taste. Everyone's still pretty tired from the all-night wedding challenge. Spike, talking about Dale, interviews the same point I've made countless times in this blog -- having an "I'm not here to make friends" attitude is fairly pointless and likely to haunt you at some point. Dale doesn't much care about what the others think. You know, except when he'd like them to help him with his work. Andrew is the only one who isn't worn down at this point. He's still a big 'ol bag of crazy, interviewing that he's ready to either stab someone or make some amazing food. Oh, why limit yourself? Those things aren't mutually exclusive! The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Season 2 contestant Sam. Antonia dutifully interviews about how good-looking he is. I imagine we're supposed to forget about how that attractive shell surrounds a passive-aggressive, shit-starting, screaming bully. Hey, producers... Remember how everyone hated the second season? Remember how you didn't even have a reunion show, because you rightly guessed that nobody wanted to watch yet ANOTHER hour of a gang of assholes piling on an annoying-but-harmless guy? Let me offer this hint to you, completely free of charge: The best way to put that behind you is to let the twats who competed that season sink back into obscurity where they belong.
At any rate, Sam will be the guest judge for the week, because being a pretty sack of personality flaws doesn't mean you can't cook. Plus, he's diabetic, which figures into the challenges. For the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish that has "fallen on some hard times". The salad. Fallen on some hard times, my ass. Every eatery, from the finest restaurant to the corner coffee shop to the fast food greasebomb on the interstate serves them these days. Not that it's always quality food, but everyone recognizes their worth. If anything, I'd say we're almost in a Golden Age for salads. The chefs know that making a good and interesting salad can be just as difficult as making a good and interesting entree. They've got forty-five minutes to create a new and "sexy" salad. The fact that the producers are trying to punch this challenge up by nonsensically adding "sexy" to it is embarrassing for them, and I'll do them the favor of not mentioning it again. Padma starts the clock, and Andrew and Spike go from zero to running almost instantly. Impressive.
Spike says that Quickfires aren't his forte. Don't sell yourself short, Spike. Looking at your challenge record, I'd say that Elimination Challenges aren't your forte, either. He throws some meat on the grill. Richard's doing a take on ceviche. Lisa disdains the simplicity of other people's salads. She goes on to say that some other people don't belong here, as they're not great chefs, and their personalities suck ass. The camera helpfully jumps over to Dale. Eh, I don't disagree, but since Sam is judging this week, I wouldn't count on someone with a sucky personality being dinged for it. I'm sure Lisa herself will continue to be a ray of joy and friendliness. Stephanie concentrates on autumnal flavors. Antonia works on a spinach salad with poached egg and bacon. Yum. She notes that Lisa is using lobster, and interviews that Lisa is stronger competition than Antonia originally pegged her as. Time winds down. Chefs run to and fro. When time runs out, Stephanie realizes that she forgot to put her artichoke chip on the plate. Geez. I can tell she's one of the more talented chefs, but could she suck harder at Quickfires?
Padma and Sam go down the line. Andrew has made a Thai fruit salad with mango, strawberry, raspberry, and Sriracha dressing with lime juice and sugar. Sam says the Sriracha has a nice flavor. Spike's plate is a mess, but sounds tasty. It includes skirt steak, pineapple, radish, cucumber, and greens. Lisa has grilled squid and lobster tail, and put them into a salad that also has banana and grapefruit yuzu vinaigrette. Now, I love squid, I love lobster, and I love bananas. Together, though? It sounds pretty nasty. All Padma and Sam can taste is the banana. Stephanie's "fall duet" is poached pear and artichokes with a pear vinaigrette. She mentions the missing artichoke chips that should be on top. I would have just pretended they never existed, and hoped for the best. I doubt one scores a lot of points for forthrightness, at least in the Quickfire.
Antonia presents her spinach salad with poached egg, wild mushrooms, sunchokes, bacon vinaigrette, and squash blossoms. I withdraw my "yum" until those mushrooms are removed. The egg bursts into glorious yolk gore when it's cut, which is the perfect way to eat poached eggs. Sam says it has great flavor. Richard calls his salad "fresh and clean", and it looks like a plate of rabbit food. Salads like this are why people make fun of vegetarians. All we hear about it is that it's a ceviche of various fruits and vegetables. Dale has made a poached chicken salad (which is in quotes for some reason -- is it or isn't it a poached chicken salad?) with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinegar. It's pretty. Sam tells him that he's successfully avoided the pitfall of overdrying the poached chicken.
Results. First in the bottom three is Richard, whose salad needed acid. Next is Stephanie, who didn't plate all her food, and whose vinaigrette was lacking. Last in the bottom three is Lisa, and I owe Stephanie a bit of an apology, for while she's not good in Quickfires, Lisa's even worse. Her salad was all banana. First in the top three is Spike, who had a well-balanced, flavorful salad. Antonia's salad had great texture. Dale's use of nori was inspired. Pissy shot of Lisa. Padma asks who Sam has selected as the Quickfire winner, and he chooses Spike. Spike is pleased to score his first Quickfire win, even though he doesn't get immunity. Padma tells him he'll get a significant advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Oh, an "advantage"? What, does he get to choose which car he'll ride over to the store in?
Elimination Challenge. Padma and Sam bring in a tray of greasy food, like burgers and onion rings. Lisa describes this, but sheepishly admits that she's kind of craving it now. See, I wish we saw more of that Lisa. When she's not devoting herself to being a cranky witch, she can be kind of awesome. Richard just concentrates on how this is going to figure into the challenge. Padma says that obesity is a big problem in America. It certainly doesn't help me find a seat on the train. Move over, fatass. Sam says that as a diabetic, it can be tough to find flavorful food that's low in carbs and sugar. The greasy food shown is a typical lunch order for Chicago's finest, and Padma tells them that their challenge this week will be to create a gourmet boxed lunch for policemen. The chefs must all use a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike gets a ten-minute head start on the shopping. Not only that, but the ingredients he chooses to fulfill the four requirements may not be used by any other chef. He is, of course, delighted at another opportunity to be a rapscallion, because in case the hats didn't tip you off, image is very important to him. Stephanie knows that he's going to screw everyone else over, but Andrew doesn't care, saying that his background in nutrition will pull him through.
Commercials. Go discover the "original" flavors at Qdoba. They're the only Mexican eatery that would ever think of stuff like cheese, flour tortillas, and tomatoes.
Whole Foods. Spike begins his ten-minute head start. Since he so enjoys being delightfully naughty, his strategy is to select ingredients that will screw over his competition the hardest. Not that I'm against creating obstacles for your competitors -- it's certainly fair in this case -- but you'd think he'd at least put a modicum of thought into what he's going to, you know, COOK. He does not. He selects chicken breast, bread, lettuce, and tomato as his four components. These are obviously Everyman kinds of ingredients, and will force the other chefs to be that much more creative. Antonia, once again speaking from within my brain, says that Spike's ingredient choices make her think that he hasn't put a lot of thought into his own dish. Spike pats himself on the back for being so devious, failing to notice the giant banner reading "Pride Goeth Before..." that may as well be hanging above the door. Andrew disdains the idea that he'd use such dumbed-down ingredients anyway, though he certainly doesn't put it past his competitors.
So now everyone has half an hour and $175 to shop. Stephanie admits she was thinking of doing something with chicken and tomatoes, and now has to rethink her plan. Her new plan apparently involves feeling up the phallic squash. Lisa's Plan B revolves around stir-fry, and she grabs some shrimp. Richard wants to do a play on a burrito with bok choy and tuna. Andrew plays up his nutritional background again. Know what he doesn't have a strong background in? Listening to challenge parameters. Er...spoiler!
The next morning, the chefs get started on their two hours of preparations. Stephanie explains that the police officers will be in charge of microwaving their own food; the chefs just need to hand everything over with instructions. Antonia works on curried beef with jasmine and brown rice, and a grapefruit salad. She recalls that she's been doing well with healthy cooking challenges, and is confident she's in good shape. Andrew is whipping together a sushi roll, but instead of rice, he's combining parsnip and pine nuts. The rest will be raw salmon and lots of vegetables. He wants to show everyone else who The Man is. If it's The Man Who Never Listens to the Challenge Parameters, he can set up a little tent, and start charging five cents admission right now. Stephanie wonders how a few bites of sushi is going to be a hearty, fulfilling lunch.
Dale makes some lettuce cups that are really cabbage, neatly circumventing Spike's obstacle. His protein is bison meat, which he's preparing in a Vietnamese style. He explains that bison has fifty percent less fat and cholesterol than beef. Good to know. Antonia sniffs that Dale can only make Asian food. Lisa says her dish with be mainly vegetables, with the shrimp thrown into a shrimp/pineapple soy sauce. She starts her brown rice early, saying that it takes a long time. Andrew admonishes Lisa about the high cholesterol in shrimp. Lisa, who is no slouch herself in the "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" motif of the season, proves she's learned something by pointing out that the challenge specifically calls for low carbs and low fat, but says nothing about cholesterol. She doesn't want to be on the chopping block for good food/bad idea again, so she's trying to be careful.
Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Stephanie explains her mushroom/leek soup with meatballs, saying nothing about the squash she's stirring. Lisa's throwing some edamame into her stir-fry, and asks if Ptom dares to try her hot sauce. He dares, and from the look on his face, this sauce is no joke in the heat department. Spike is making chicken salad. We don't hear much about it, so I don't know how it differs from an ordinary, run-of-the-mill chicken salad anyone could whip together in twenty minutes. Richard is throwing rice, lentils, tuna, and quinoa into his faux burritos. After telling everyone to start boxing their food, Ptom tells us that everyone seems focused, and nobody wants to be eliminated. Fascinating.
With a little less than half an hour left, Lisa suddenly discovers that the burner under her brown rice has been turned up to high. This makes the outside burnt and the inside raw. She firmly believes that she's been sabotaged. Stephanie and Dale aren't buying, interviewing that someone, possibly Lisa herself, just made a mistake. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I'm with them. As with shady dealings in the past, if this truly was intentional sabotage, I find it odd that none of the four hundred bazillion cameras caught a glimpse of it. Besides, I find it hard to believe that people are very threatened by Lisa. Tonight's Quickfire is the sixth challenge in a row she's been at the bottom of. Not exactly a force to be reckoned with, there. She tries to salvage the rice by putting some cooking liquid on it, hoping that the microwave takes care of the rest. Time begins to wind down. Dale nearly eats it tripping over a trashcan. Spike drops a knife. People rush to put things in coolers. Spike drops more knives. Does he have an inner ear infection? Everyone wheels their coolers out, Richard's fugly pink crocs bringing up the rear.
Commercials. Watch a Bravo awards show in which Bravo gives awards to...shows on Bravo.
Police academy. Training montage. One female recruit is terrible at push-ups. The chefs pull up, and we hear what the challenge entails for like the third time. They enter the cafeteria, and have a few minutes to set up their stuff and write descriptive labels about the food and how to heat it up, if necessary. Lisa frets over her rice. Uniformed officers stride in. I fruitlessly scan for hot ones. Cops line up at the tables, and the chefs explain what they've made. Richard cheeses it up by asking everyone who approaches his table if they like burritos. He interviews something unimportant, which I only bring up to point out that he's wearing a hairband at the front of his faux-hawk, which makes him look like this. Spike makes fun of Richard's gimmick. Spike himself would never stoop to something so weak and obvious. Except that he sets out his boxed lunches two at a time, trying to make it appear like they're in demand. Ooh, what a rapscallion! Cops chow down.
Stephanie gives the judges (including Ted instead of Gail -- boo!) her mushroom and meatball soup with barley, a squash and celery root vegetable puree, and some yogurt. The cops and judges enjoy it. Spike gives Padma his chicken salad. The bread, tomato, and lettuce are all on the side, so they're unessential to the chicken salad itself, which combines grapes, olives, and jicama, but leaves out the mayo. A cop likes it, but the judges are unimpressed with how pedestrian it is, and how Spike didn't really use three of his four components. Dale hands out his lemongrass bison cabbage wrap with brown rice and an herb salad. That sounds good; I love lemongrass. Ted thinks it could use some heat, but likes it overall. Antonia gives two officers her curry beef with filet mignon, jasmine rice, berries, figs, and grape syrup. I'd be curious to try that. Padma heartily enjoys the flavors. Sam agrees in a deadpan monotone.
Andrew gives Ted a dish with four lonely little sushi bites in it. As mentioned before, it's a salmon roll with a parsnip/pine nut "rice", and some pickled ginger with wasabi. Food tidbit for you: Wasabi apparently helps fight tooth decay. Cue "The More You Know" star. The cops and judges find it strange and messy. Padma notes that Andrew didn't use any whole grain, as was stipulated in the rules. Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Richard asks Sam his stock question about liking burritos. Spike smirks. Richard gives Sam a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa wrapped in a rice paper tortilla. There is some hot sauce and fresh lime on the side.
Limecrete: "That looks really good."
Tiffany: "I don't know, I've never really been a big fan of tuna."
Limecrete: "That's not what I've heard."
Everyone enjoys the burrito, including an officer of indeterminate... Well... I mean, I feel entitled to make fun of the chefs all I want, as they signed up for the experience of being dissected and ridiculed. But I don't want to be too harsh with random people who find themselves on the show, unless they bring it on themselves. So it is with no judgment that I say that the person nodding their approval over the burrito isn't easily labeled, gender-wise. Ptom gets Lisa's stir-fry, which aside from the shrimp and brown rice, has some berries and yogurt on the side. Padma immediately picks up on the undercooked rice. A cop remarks on the incredibly spicy sauce, but covers his manliness by insisting that it's very good. His equally manly friend agrees that the spice isn't overpowering. The camera cuts away, and the two of them fall to floor in the fetal position. OK, not really. I'm just trying to wring some entertainment out of this. The police take their leave, and the chefs are right behind them, speculating about their chances. Dale doesn't think there's a clear winner and loser, as there has been in past challenges. The judges remain in the cafeteria to deliberate, and already seem to have their favorites and least favorites picked out.
Commercials. Guy's Face: "Thanks for the tip about these new phones. Now get off my property."
Fret 'n' sweat. As Lisa talks about her rice issues, Andrew finally catches the snap that he didn't include a whole grain, as he was supposed to. Padma enters, and summons Dale and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Obviously, these two had the favorites of the judges, though I wonder why they didn't pick a third. Dale says he wanted to make something satisfying. Ptom thinks he did a great job with texture and flavor. Stephanie says she's fairly unfamiliar with barley, but is happy with the way her soup came out. Ted says that seasoning has been a problem in some chefs' food, but that Stephanie's was done very well. Sam gets to announce the week's winner, who had the more substantial and unique food. That winner is Dale, who gets a bottle of wine and two tickets to visit the winery where it's made.
LabRat: "Why does he need two tickets? He won't find anyone who wants to go with him."
Dale smiles and thanks the judges. He's not my favorite crayon in the box, but that dish of his today certainly did look good. He's happy with his challenge track record of five wins in twenty challenges. He does not mention the five of twenty challenges in which he's been at the bottom or at least on a losing team. Padma asks him to send out this week's losers. Unsurprisingly, it's Spike, Lisa, and Andrew, so make that seven challenges in a row that Lisa's blown.
Odd Asian music. Gong. The three losing chefs trudge in, and if I had to guess, I'd say that no matter who gets chopped tonight, the other two are ripe for elimination within the next two weeks, anyway. That would leave a final four of Antonia, Stephanie, Richard, and Dale. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's my bet. I'm putting my chips down on the table. Padma asks Andrew if his dish was substantial enough for a hearty lunch. He thinks it was, given the amount of nutrients that went into it. He explains it fairly well, but slips when he says the roll would hold people for at least three hours. Ptom points out that three hours after lunch, people are still at work, and if they're hungry, that's the point that they're reaching for a candy bar. Andrew reveals that in addition to missing the whole grain part of the challenge, he missed the "hearty" part as well. I think he was just busy listening to the merry tune that plays in his head at all times.
Ted twists the knife further, asking if a raw sushi roll is relatable enough to people used to eating burgers and such. That's a little much. They're cops, not cavemen. I don't think they'd run away screaming at the sight of sushi. Andrew, starting to lose his cool, says that he'd rather serve something new that expands horizons, rather than something reminiscent of a burger. He wants to serve the "most healthiest" dish ever. You know, after the "literally buried in spinach" last week, I don't even have the strength. The consensus is that Andrew favored health to the detriment of flavor, and when he says that people came back for more, Ptom gripes that it was because they hadn't gotten enough food the first time.
Spike is asked why he did chicken salad, and instead of the honest answer ("It was the only thing I could make with the ingredients I cockblocked from the other chefs"), he blathers something about how much he likes it and how accessible it is, cribbing off the criticism of Andrew's food. What's hilarious about Spike is how he always thinks he's outsmarting the other chefs at every turn, and more often than not, winds up shooting himself in the foot, learning nothing in the process. It's like watching Wile E. Coyote fall off the same cliff every week. It's not that I expect him to graciously step aside and let his competitors win; I just think if he kept his eyes on his own paper more often, he'd do better on the test. When specifically asked if he picked his components to be to his advantage or to disadvantage everyone else, he out-and-out lies and says it was for his own advantage. The big problem wasn't even the non-use of his required components, but the combination of grapes and olives, which Ptom didn't like. Spike, just as in Block Party, blames us uncultured hicks, saying that we'd be perfectly content with the flavor combination, even if Ptom's astronomically gifted palate wasn't. You can assume my eyes are rolling so hard as to almost evacuate my head during this entire segment. Ptom says that four dishes were unquestionably better than Spike's, and Spike chooses the least successful response he possibly could, saying that that's Ptom's opinion. Ptom duhs that his opinion is kind of what counts in this competition.
Lisa is asked why she thinks she's at the losers' table, and she sneers that the judges may as well tell her, as they're the ones that brought her here. Yeah, at this point, I'd be perfectly happy with cutting all three of these people and moving on. Ptom tells her that her stir-fry wasn't really much of a stir-fry, and that several things on her plate were undercooked. The rice is mentioned, though it's far from the only thing criticized. It is, however, the only thing Lisa has a hope of defending, so she spins her sabotage theory. That theory is never resolved, so make of it what you will. Ptom reiterates that even if it were so, her food's problems extended beyond the rice.
Padma asks if anyone has anything more to say, and this where Lisa's bitch star goes supernova. She turns Andrew in for not using a whole grain. Now, we know the judges already know about that, but the chefs don't. So Lisa's accusation has nothing to do with wanting to abide by challenge rules. She's just desperately trying to dig her way out of trouble by burying someone else. And as with Spike, I don't expect the chefs to let other people win, but the way you win is by cooking good food; not by use of underhanded tricks. I know Sam knows what I'm talking about. Ass. The judges are already down on Andrew for a multitude of reasons. He's firmly in the bottom three. I'm not saying it's unfair for Lisa to have brought this up, just mighty distasteful. The judges do ask Andrew why he didn't use a whole grain, and he stupidly says he lost his rule sheet. See why Lisa's attack was so unnecessary? Andrew's got enough rope to tie his own noose and have enough left over to moor a fleet of sailboats. Lisa tries to play the integrity card, which... No. She says he would have done the same to her, which he denies. I believe him. He may be kind of psycho, but dirty tricks aren't really his style. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Andrew tries to psych Lisa out by staring all cuckoo-eyed at her, but only succeeds in psyching out Antonia. He climbs to the wrong moral high-ground, whining that Lisa selling him out is poor repayment for his friendly warning about the high cholesterol content of her shrimp. He's really reaching, as the judges never took issue with the cholesterol of her food, and as Lisa said, it's not particularly germane to the challenge. There's some tiresome blather about "shows me who you are" and "we're in a competition", and it's nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. The judges deliberate. Ptom says that sabotage is not a legitimate excuse for Lisa, which I'm sorry, is bullshit. I don't think it was sabotage in this case, but if someone did intentionally ruin another chef's food, the victimized chef should not be penalized. And frankly, I doubt they would be, lest the show open itself up to a lawsuit. Thankfully for the judges, there was plenty else to hate about Lisa's food. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and spent so much time worrying about the game that he forgot about the food. Andrew didn't use a whole grain, and even if he had, he essentially ignored the challenge to make whatever he wanted.
More tiresome fighting in the Kitchen. Andrew brings up the bus metaphor for the second time this episode. Seriously, with the buses. He does bring up the good point that Lisa has some nerve being all judgmental about his food when she's trying to hide behind a weak "sabotaged rice" excuse. The judges make a decision, which for some reason, Padma feels the need to announce is unanimous. Neato. Andrew tells Lisa he hopes the audience gets to see how she just acted. Wish granted.
Commercials. Who needs men when you can fellate a sandwich? Right, creepy bowl-cut lady?
Elimination. All three of these chefs suck. Ptom grants that the challenge wasn't easy. He makes a weak food police pun I'll do him the favor of not exploring. Andrew didn't provide anything delicious or of substance. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and had a weird, off-putting flavor profile. Lisa should be omniscient, and said she had a stir-fry, when what she really had was a plate of steamed vegetables. He gives it over to Padma for the chopping. Andrew. Please pack your knives and go. He tells the judges that there will be no need for security guards this time.
LabRat: "They've probably got them there, anyway."
He thanks the judges, and says that he will leave with honor. Honor is one of those things you cannot praise yourself for, like modesty and class. He's almost hushed as he goes, saying that he doesn't have any problems with anyone else, as he's not going to talk to most of them again, anyway. Subtle. He says he and Spike will be BFF forever and that Lisa's weak. Yep, full of honor, that one. Lisa gets the rare interjection interview, in which she says he deserves to go for not following the rules. Of course, by that logic, Lisa should have been eliminated three weeks ago. Andrew gets some good-bye hugs in the Kitchen. Spike whines that he doesn't have any buddies left in the house. I struggle to care, and fail. Andrew proudly says that he's never been one to stick to the rules. Guess we don't have to mourn your elimination, then. See ya, Looney Tunes.
Overall Grade: C
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