Do You Know How Much Running I Did Today, Phil?

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 9

Previously on The Amazing Race: Five teams left Greece for Oman. Ray and Yolanda fell to squabbling about nothing and continued throughout the entire leg. Once in Oman, the Tools broke out their navigation skills, which promptly got them hopelessly lost. BJ struggled and struggled and struggled at the Roadblock, eventually letting all the teams pass the Hippies by. Frankenberry managed a shocking first place finish, while the Hippies limped into the pitstop in last, but were spared by non-elimination. Five teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. I love that following Double D's intro clip, there's a shot of a monkey furrowing his brow in confusion. Yeah, monkey, I don't know what they were doing on the show, either.

Jabreen Castle, Oman. Opening Phil blather. Frankenberry leaves the mat first at 5:35 PM. I wonder how they're working the usual 12-hour resting time this week, because there is no way in hell Frankenberry arrived at 5:35 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Perth, Australia. The establishing shots are nicely accented by a didgeridoo in the background. Before heading to the airport, Frankenberry lets us know that they're going to drop $20 in the Hippies' car, presumably because they're just trying to be nice. We've seen Frankenberry and the Hippies be very friendly with each other for several legs. Barry interviews that while they're not as fast as the other teams, they're hoping their travel experience will give them a leg-up. Yes, that is the four billionth time we've heard an interview to exactly that effect. Thanks for asking.

MoJo leaves the mat at 5:54 PM. They gloat about the Hippies having no money, and interview that the competition is getting brutal as the number of teams dwindles down. I've seen no evidence of that aside from some snotty attitude at airports. In fact, MoJo's really the only team caught up in some sort of "us vs. them" mindset. Now, this is interesting. MoJo tells us that at the pitstop, the Hippies asked them to leave money in the car, saying that if they didn't, they'd be on the business end of the next Yield. Does that sound like something the Hippies would say or do at all? Here's my guess. At the pitstop, the Hippies were goofing around like they always do, and said something along those lines as a joke. Or, they may have even said the converse -- something like "Hey, if you guys slip us some money, we swear we'll never Yield you." But I just can't see them making this full-on threat, not only because it doesn't seem in line with their personalities, but because they know that they have no guarantee of getting to the next Yield ahead of MoJo, so it would be royally stupid to piss them off needlessly. So while I have no proof of this, I'm going with the assumption that MoJo is making a big deal out of nothing and blowing things way out of proportion.

Meanwhile, Frankenberry is hitting horrible traffic. They pull off to a gas station to try and figure out another way to the airport, but there is none. It seems that traffic is tied up because the King of Oman is possibly in the neighborhood. That happened to me in London. Stupid Queen Elizabeth coming home at an inconvenient time. Doesn't she have any consideration for my schedule? Frankenberry has no choice but to get back on the crowded highway and just wait out the traffic. MoJo hits the same jam. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 6:26 PM. Yolanda hopes they can recapture the fun they were having in the first few legs rather than fighting. They get off to a good start by bonding over disdain of MoJo. Ray and Yolanda left the Hippies some money, but noted that MoJo didn't. Yolanda says that MoJo tries to come off as nice people, but really aren't. The Tools leave the mat at 6:47 PM, and we hear that the teams are receiving $181 for this leg. They leave the Hippies an IOU for $100. Slow clap. I don't have a problem with them not leaving any money, because they phrase it in terms of not helping their competition, rather than some stupid personal vendetta. Still, they're not funny. Shut up, Tools. Everyone gets caught up in the same traffic jam, though it's finally starting to flow. Fireworks welcome the king to wherever he's going. The Tools hope that the Hippies will miss whatever upcoming flight people will be on (#1 -- you'll see why that had to be numbered in a little while).

The Hippies leave the mat at 8:21 PM. Ouch. They start the leg with no money except the $30 that other teams have left them. BJ sarcastically interviews that MoJo better watch out. You see how completely not serious he is about it? I'm sure the Hippies aren't wild about MoJo, and in fact would Yield them given the opportunity, but not because they didn't leave money in their car. The Hippies are about the jolliest team in last place with no money that I've ever seen. Frankenberry and MoJo arrive at the airport. They learn of a flight on Emirates Airlines from Muscat through Dubai to Perth, leaving at 12:45 AM. Ray and Yolanda and the Tools catch up at the airport. MoJo opines that there's no way that the Hippies will be able to make their flight (#2). The Hippies pick up a hitchhiker named Abdul on their way to the airport. He says he's a Bedouin from the desert. BJ replies that he's from New Jersey. Heh.

At the airport, all four of the lead teams have gotten their tickets on the Emirates flight. Eric says that the Hippies won't be able to make it (#3). The Hippies have to stop for gas, and their passenger somehow hooks them up with candy, juice and gas. Sweet! They exchange some sort of traditional thank you that looks like an Eskimo kiss. Abdul leaves them there, and the Hippies head to the airport, where the other teams are boarding. The Tools store their bags and hope that the Hippies don't make it (#4). The Hippies arrive at the airport and head for the ticket counter. Jeremy says the Hippies won't make it (#5). He's sure of it. He says that MoJo is sure of it (#6). Now, let's see. We've been told six times that there's no way in hell the Hippies will ever make this flight. So...blatant Fate tempting on a reality show. Shall I give you a guess as to whether or not the Hippies make it? Go on, guess. OF COURSE THEY MAKE IT. Which is nice and all, since missing it would have certainly spelled their doom, but is there anyone on Earth who didn't know they were going to make it, based on that setup? These shows have gotten so wrapped up in the "This isn't going to happen...this isn't going to happen...this isn't going to happen....Oh, look! It happened!" credo that at this point, it would really be more surprising if the things people predict are going to happen actually happened.

Commercials. You know what people have an immense amount of technical difficulty with? Sitting cross-legged.

The Hippies board the plane. By the way, the gate agent is really pretty. That has nothing to do with anything, but I noticed it multiple times, so there you go. Predictably, the teams that left them money are like "Hey", while the teams that didn't are like "Curse the Hippies!". MoJo is still bitter about the Hippies "threatening" to Yield them. The plane takes off. We finally hear where the teams are headed once they land in Australia. Their next clue will be at a war memorial in King's Park. According to the signs, the botanical gardens are nearby, and I'd much rather the teams have headed there. The plane lands. Everyone grabs a taxi. The Tools pass MoJo on the way to the park, and Monica makes a joke about them smelling bad that I think lands on the Top 20 Stupidest Unfunny Jokes of All Time. Ray and Yolanda talk about keeping their "verbal clutter" to a minimum, which either means they're going to concentrate on not fighting or they're going to ignore each other. In the Hippie cab, Tyler says that by asking for money on the plane, they've made over $300, which is almost double what the other teams received at the beginning of the leg. Frankenberry hits a lot of red lights, and are understandably frustrated.

The Tools get to the clue box first. The clue tells them to go to Freemantle, then travel by ferry to Rottnest Island, which is a popular vacation spot. You'd think they could have chosen a more seductive name than Rottnest to pull those tourists in, but those Aussies are wacky. Freemantle is about an hour's drive away, but I guess the Tools have plenty of money, because they stick with their cab. MoJo does the same thing. Ray and Yolanda are third to the clue, but decide that the cab ride to Freemantle is too costly. The Hippies, in fourth, discover the same thing, so the two teams independently decide to take the bus. Frankenberry is last to the clue box, and stick with their cab.

In Freemantle, MoJo and the Tools arrive to find that the earliest ferry departs at 7:30 AM. Way to waste all that money on your cab! I mean, I know they had no way of knowing that the ferries wouldn't be running overnight, but it still brings me great joy to watch teams I dislike suffer a setback like this. Frankenberry arrives, and all three teams head for a nearby hostel. Ray/Yolanda and the Hippies hop on the bus. The three lead teams enter the crowded hostel. One of the Tools gets dibs on "bottom", which I bet happens to him a lot. Frankenberry gets assigned to a room called "The Pleasure Dome". Hehehe. It's full of people, and Barry comments that the race has ruined their sex life. Fran agrees. Aw. Those poor, horny old people. I do have to admit that I hadn't really considered how frustrating limited sexual release would be on this race. Man, that'd suck. Or not suck, as the case may be. The two trailing teams catch up. To the ferry, that is. They didn't catch up on Frankenberry's sexual woes.

In the morning, everyone boards the ferry. Once across, they have to pick up a tandem bike and ride it three miles to a lighthouse, where the next clue will be. The ferry arrives, they get their bikes, and everyone starts riding. It looks like the taller person should really be in front, because there's a shot of Ray and Yolanda with him in the rear, and his legs are so bent up that he can barely pedal. The ride itself doesn't look like a picnic. There are several fairly steep hills the teams have to get themselves over. Frankenberry has a lot of experience cycling, so they're having no trouble at all. That brings us to Ray and Yolanda, who are pulling over to switch places. Good idea. They start doing better once they get back on the road. The Tools reach the clue box. Detour! Sand or Sea. In Sand, teams choose a pile that contains forty large tree branches. They then drag the branches 126 yards to a marked area. Apparently, this is actually done in Australia as a way of preventing beach erosion. I'm not sure how much sand would be saved by brushing it with a tree branch, but I'm sure that there's some information being left out. Once all the branches are moved, they'll get their next clue. In Sea, teams have to dive beneath the waves and search through 50 crayfish traps. A few of them contain live crayfish, and each team member has to grab one to bring to someone waiting on the beach. Once they do this, they'll get the next clue. This one would be a no-brainer for me. The Detour is located on a beach called Salmon Bay, and teams have to get there on their tandem bikes.

The Tools choose Sea. MoJo arrives while they're discussing it, and wind up choosing Sea as well. The Hippies arrive. MoJo takes the opportunity to hate them some more. The Hippies say that MoJo is their target when the next Yield comes along. Hmm, maybe they weren't kidding so much earlier. I still think it comes out of general dislike, rather than some sort of failed extortion plot. MoJo calls them sleazy because they follow everybody. I assume they're leaving out the multitude of legs where the Hippies beat their asses into the ground. Also, don't you love the implication that they're being "followed", when everyone is going from the same place to the same place, using the same method of transportation? The Hippies choose Sand, as does Frankenberry close behind. Ooh! Ray and Yolanda arrive, and Yolanda calls them "Frankenberry"! I swear! Thanks for the shout-out, time-traveling Yolanda! They obviously choose Sand, given Yolanda's water issues. Pretty lighthouse, by the way.

The Tools arrive at Salmon Bay. The Hippies are right behind them. Guess they're not "following" you anymore, huh, MoJo? Once on the beach, they split into their separate Detours. BJ isn't so much dragging the branches as carrying them. That would defeat the entire purpose of moving them if they were really beach sweeping, but they're not, so who cares? MoJo is still on the bike. Joseph asks Monica to open a bottle of water. She asks him to hold on, because she thinks they're going the wrong way. Fairly understandable requests on both of their parts, yes? So of course they blow the entire thing out of proportion and start screaming at each other. See why I'm not willing to take their word about the whole Evil Hippie thing? It turns out they are, indeed, going the wrong way. Joseph apologizes, and instead of accepting it and moving on, Monica takes the opportunity to gripe some more about him not paying attention. He yells at her some more. Remember when I hated MoJo in episode 1, and then they became more tolerable? Yeah, we're back to episode 1 now. Shut up, MoJo.

The Tools are in skimpy bathing suits, so you can imagine the sort of comments that inspires. They get into the water and start looking for their crayfish. Frankenberry arrives at the beach. They start dragging their branches. A Tool grabs a crayfish. The crayfish doesn't look happy about it. More branch dragging. Another Tool grabs another crayfish. They go back to the beach, where the guy waiting for them asks them if they have his lunch. That's good for a wry smile. They turn in their crayfish, and the guy hands them their clue. MoJo finally arrives. The Tools open their clue, which tells them to get back to the mainland, then make their way to Freemantle Prison, which was closed down in 1991. It was built in the 1800s by convict labor. Heh. It's deliciously cruel to make convicts build their own jail. They knew how to do things in the 1800s. They leave while MoJo gets changed. The Hippies finish up with their branches, and get the prison clue. They spot MoJo and talk about how they don't like them. I really think the audience gets it now, thanks. Joseph spots a crayfish, and asks Monica if they're supposed to get one or two. Monica says she's pretty sure it's one. Snerk. He grabs it, and they head back to the beach, just as Ray and Yolanda are arriving. They begin dragging. Beach Guy uses the "brought me my lunch" line again, but amends it to "half of my lunch". Hee. MoJo runs back to the water, Joseph bemoaning their "crappy luck". Yeah, not reading your clue is so unlucky. Dumbass.

Yolanda calls Frankenberry "Frankenberry" again. Woo! Frankenberry finishes up their branches, and gets the prison clue. In the water, Joseph spots another crayfish. He calls Monica over, and she hems and haws about it for no reason. When she dives, the crayfish scuttles away from her. She surfaces without having gotten it, and freaks out about how scared she is. Yeah, I'd be a little worried about about getting pinched or bitten. It looks like they've got some protective gloves, though. Joseph yells at her about going back down, and she whines that she has "every right to be scared".

Urgh. Sidebar. One of the things that drives me absolutely batshit is when people do assy things, then act all surprised and wounded when they don't get the respectful response they wanted, just because they "have a right" to do something. For example, you have the right to write a letter to the newspaper about how God hates homosexuals, and how they should never be able to marry. Other people then have the right to write you off as the narrow-minded bigot you are. So when you stop getting invited to Academy Award parties and none of the caterers in town will touch your anniversary party with a ten-foot pole, don't go around crying that you're being punished for something that you had the right to do. Or, if an insane Tool fan shows up here, I can say that I have the right to edit out all their bullshit hypermasculine posturing, but I can't expect that they'd be happy about it. In that vein, if you're an insane Tool fan, please wander elsewhere. In this case, Monica "has the right" to be scared, but Joseph has the equal right to point out that her stupid hissy fit is costing them valuable time. Sorry for the rant, but shit like that just gets my blood boiling.

Commercials. I like baby-back ribs. I just hate the phrase baby-back ribs.

Monica finally gets her crayfish. They leave for the prison in fourth place. As they talk about making no more mistakes, Joseph puts his bicycle helmet on backwards. Heh. Ray and Yolanda finish up with their branches, get their clue, and take off. The Tools return their bike, and hop on a departing 9:15 AM ferry for Freemantle. There's that Tool luck I despise so. The Hippies pull in next and discover a 9:25 AM ferry, but this one is to Hillarys Port, where there is apparently a dire apostrophe shortage. The Hippies decide to go ahead and take it, then grab a taxi to Freemantle, rather than waiting for the next Freemantle ferry. At the ferry port, Frankenberry arranges to have a taxi pick them up in Freemantle and take them to the prison. MoJo pulls into the bike shop, with Ray and Yolanda not far behind. They meet up with Frankenberry on the 10:00 AM ferry. The Tools arrive in Freemantle. The Hippies arrive in Hillarys Port. On the 10:00 AM ferry, Joseph borrows somebody's phone to arrange for a taxi to meet them. Monica enthusiastically chows into a sandwich. Heh. The Tools arrive at the prison. Roadblock! This one asks "Who's ready for a great escape?". Well, that doesn't help at all. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to search within Division 4 of the prison cells for a flashlight and product placed batteries that I shall not mention until they pay me to do so. Once they've got the flashlight, they have to search for a certain door that leads down into the caverns running underneath the prison. There's a set of dry caverns or wet ones (accessible by canoe) where they'll have to search for their next clue. Sounds like a tough one.

Jeremy takes on the Roadblock. He has trouble locating the cell blocks, so we know we're in for some entertaining incompetence. He finally does find the right place, though it takes him a few tries to find a cell with a flashlight in it. Now, Jeremy starts running all over the prison grounds, looking for the tunnel access. The Hippies are having red light issues, much as Frankenberry was earlier. On the ferry, MoJo and Frankenberry discover that they've both called cabs. Upon being told that the drivers should know their names, Joseph openly tells Barry that MoJo is just going to take the first cab they see, regardless of whether it's theirs or Frankenberry's. Nice to see that MoJo's ever-so-flexible sense of morality hasn't abandoned them. The Hippies are scum, but stealing Frankenberry's cab would be completely acceptable. Gotcha. The ferry arrives, and there's only one cab waiting. It belongs to MoJo, and I frankly wish that Frankenberry had stolen it. They don't, though, so MoJo is off. Monica gloats that Frankenberry can't accuse them of stealing their cab now, which is kind of like saying that although you were planning on robbing a liquor store, now you don't need to because your great aunt left you a nice inheritance. Doesn't really make you an upstanding person. Ray and Yolanda decide to go to the prison on foot, since it's not that far away. Frankenberry continues their futile search for the missing taxi.

Commercials. KFC, though offering more mashed potatoes is a good idea, it's still not enough to trick me into eating your crappy chicken.

Frankenberry hops on a bus to the prison. I don't know how good an idea that was, given that other teams didn't have a problem walking there. Who knows how many stops a bus is going to make? Jeremy is still wandering around, looking for the door to the tunnels. MoJo arrives, so the Tools managed to blow a 45-minute lead. Nice. Joseph takes the Roadblock. The Hippies arrive, so their big plan to pick up time on the ferry teams didn't work out at all. Tyler takes the Roadblock. Jeremy finally finds the tunnel entrance. He has the nerve to yell at the people manning the tunnels, as if it's their fault he couldn't navigate his way out of a wet paper bag. He gets suited up, and opts for the wet tunnels. Seems to me the dry would be faster, but whatever. Joseph and Tyler are looking for the Division 4 cell blocks. Tyler asks Joseph if he knows where he's going, and if he wants to work together to pick up some time. Now, I'm generally a fan of the Hippies and generally a...non-fan of MoJo, but Tyler cannot seriously be asking for help from the team that he knows despises him. Joseph blows him off, takes off in his own direction, and finds a flashlight. Tyler finds one soon after. Jeremy has trouble finding a clue. I bet I'd be typing that sentence a lot if I were recapping his life.

Ray and Yolanda arrive, and Yolanda takes on the Roadblock. Frankenberry is last to the clue box. Fran pronounces herself "scared" for no perceptible reason, but takes it on anyway. Jeremy has made a full circle in his boat, so he gives up and heads for the dry tunnels. He manages to find one in there without too much trouble. Joseph finds the tunnel entrance. One of the workers yells out "Welcome to the hidden tunnels!". Heh. They won't stay hidden for long if you insist on proclaiming people's entrances that way. As Joseph gets suited up, he meets Jeremy coming out of the tunnels, and asks what he should do. "Take the canoe," Jeremy advises. Oh, burn! Welcome to my first liking a Tool moment. It only took nine episodes. Jeremy emerges and yells to Eric that it'll take the other teams forever. Uh, huh. They said the same thing as they lamely drove around looking for the Bedouin camp last week, and we all know how that turned out. Their clue sends them to the next pitstop, the south breakwater at the Freemantle Sailing Club, which is less than two miles away.

The Tools attempt to screw MoJo by stealing their cab, but MoJo's stuff is still sitting inside, not to mention the fact that they haven't paid for it yet. Sweet. Another passerby tells them that they can just walk. Yes, a mile and a half isn't that far, but they know that MoJo's right behind them with a cab at their disposal. I'm surprised they gave up on finding a ride that easily. Joseph finds one of the clues in the wet tunnels. So much for it taking "forever". Tyler heads for the tunnels. Yolanda heads for the cell blocks. She finds her flashlight. Fran is right behind her, and begins searching for the tunnels. The Tools ask some nearby women for directions, and are completely ignored. I love you, nameless women. Joseph emerges, and MoJo jumps in their cab. Now it's a race to the mat, and this is no editing trick. It's really, really close. The Tools land on the mat literally two seconds before MoJo, so the latter has yet to finish first in any leg. Hehehe. This is the first time I'm glad to see the Tools win a leg. They win a trip to Hong Kong. MoJo takes their defeat with humility, which somehow doesn't detract from my joy at their loss.

Tyler and Yolanda team up to find the tunnel entrance. I know Tyler had no way of knowing that he just became a big factor in ejecting his friend Fran right out of the race, but there you go. Tyler and Yolanda get into canoes. Yolanda likens it to being on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Hehehe. Fran descends into the tunnels, and goes for the dry ones. Tyler finds a clue. He and BJ still have their cab from before, which gives them a nice jump. Yolanda finds a clue. Fran finds a clue. Ray and Yolanda manage to snag a cab with no problems, so it looks like all the people in Perth have some sort of Tool-ignoring conspiracy going, which I'd like to be a part of. Frankenberry gets one, too. The Hippies hit the mat as team #3. Phil's impressed. Now it's the edited-to-look-close portion to see who's going to come in last. Since you already know, let's just get to it. Ray and Yolanda manage to get to the mat as team #4. Yolanda's all "hey, that's great!" Heh. That puts Frankenberry in last, and they're eliminated. Fran tells herself that she's not going to cry, but she does anyway. Don't feel bad, Fran. I'd probably bawl at the elimination mat. They're extremely proud of getting as far as they did, as they should be. Barry calls Fran an incredible woman, and says that "[he] couldn't exist without her". Aw. I hope someone says that about me someday.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Snapping crocodiles + Tools = Happy Limecrete. The Hippies and MoJo continue to hate each other.

Overall Grade: B-