Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 6
No. Oh, very well. Let's watch what "happens" in this reunion episode, which has got more filler than discount hot dogs. There's a mix of contestants from all three seasons, including the most controversial people like Tiffani, Marcel, and Stephen. Oh, wait. None of those people are present. Most of the people who did bother to show up are the fangless or inconsequential contestants.
Season 1: Harold and Lee Anne continue to be wonderfully normal people, and it's great to see them, though the only interesting thing contributed is to learn a bit about what Lee Anne does behind the camera these days. Dave is also there, and are we really still talking about his frequent torrents of tears?
Season 2: A big chunk of the Bully Brigade is there, but since their adversary had enough sense to stay away, they don't have much to say for themselves. Ilan still has absolutely no concept of how to dress himself. Everyone is exactly as they were on the show, which means that the only person worth a damn is Cliff, and unfortunately, all they want to discuss with him is the joke-gone-wrong incident.
Season 3: All of the eliminated contestants so far, most of whom just mutely sit there for the duration of the episode. Micah can't figure out why people are so interested in her heritage, just because she spent 70% of her time bragging about where she's lived besides boring old America. Sandee can't understand why talented chefs get eliminated for having a bad day. Someone ought to take her to a baseball game and explain that no matter how good Pujols is, when he swings at a ball and misses, it's called a strike.
Although the hour itself was spent with delightful people, some tasty bacon-wrapped shrimp with a real kick to them, and a much-needed bottle of red, the episode was a giant waste of time, and I'm not going to waste more by writing about it in detail. See you next week!
Overall Grade: Zzzzz
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Latin Lunch
Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 5
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs split into teams of three -- the better to highlight people who have issues working with others. I won't name any names, except to say that it rhymes with Wowie. Team Sweet-Tooth took Ptom at his word, and when they risked doing something outside their areas of expertise, they were roundly chastised. If the chefs do nothing but boring signature dishes which they could do blindfolded for the rest of the competition, I hope Ptom will be satisfied. Lia's shrimp won the day, while Camille's disappointing cake got her sent back into the welcoming arms of People Too Nice And Normal To Excel In Reality Television. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Yet another beautiful day dawns in Miami. You'd think it never rains at all down there. Over at Chef's Manor, Lia interviews that Camille was just starting to come out of her shell when she got eliminated, and everyone was really sorry to see her go. Meanwhile, Oklahoma City Joey worries that he's not been doing so well in the competition lately, and wonders how he can pull himself out of the low challenge placements. He chooses "I'm just keeping a low profile" from the limited selection of bullshit excuses, calling himself a "gray horse". Guess he's keeping a low profile in learning idioms, as well. Hung interviews that he's always going to try his hardest, approaching each challenge as if it were his last. He blahs some more, but his self-congratulatory bluster is becoming such a constant background that I tune a lot of it out now. The chefs trudge out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Maria Frumkin, this week's guest judge. Frumkin sounds like a Lord of the Rings character, and now I'm imagining Maria dancing around, singing about a hillside for twenty pages. Thanks a lot, brain. Tre says that she's a very experienced pastry chef, so I'll take his word for it. Padma says that this week's challenges are all about timing. Shot of Howie. Hehehe. Today's Quickfire Challenge will incorporate one of the most "widely-used, time-saving innovations of the twentieth century". Caller ID? I'm kidding, but really. How did we ever live without it? What Padma is really referring to is frozen pie crust, which understandably raises Dale's hackles. Still licking his wounds from being told off for attempting dessert, he tells us that his immediate response to a pie crust challenge is "Fuck. You." Hah! The challenge is to use the pie crust any way that the chefs would like to create a creative, ambitious dish. Only don't actually get creative or ambitious, or you'll be shot down for doing something you're not a complete expert at. I may have added that last part. The chefs have ninety minutes instead of the usual thirty. Padma tells them that they'd better come up with something impressive, "especially after last week's dessert debacle". Yeah, I'm with Dale. Fuck you.
Ready? Go! Hung expresses an affinity for banana pie, so he's making a chocolate mousse with bananas and peanuts. He knows all those flavors work well together, so how could anything go wrong? Fate laughs merrily and strings her bow. Dale is making another free-form tart. Because that worked out so well last week. This one has strawberries and saffron. He's also working with salmon, which I hope against hope is not being combined with the strawberries. He hopes to redeem himself after the last challenge. Saram is equally nervous, and starts slicing up rabbit meat. Hung runs around as usual, completely oblivious to space that is occupied by, oh say, other people. Saran reminds us that the contestants aren't pastry chefs, and thus aren't accustomed to making dessert. Really? Why haven't they ever mentioned this before? Champaign-Urbana Joey lets us in on the secret that he actually does have some pastry experience, but didn't want to put himself on the line last week. And after seeing the judges' reaction to dessert, who can blame him? He's working on a tart trio, which he feels pretty good about. Lia opts for a savory dish instead of a sweet one, also mindful of what will happen if she attempts to do something dessert-like without having a Master's degree in pastry.
Hung? Still running around like a cheetah on meth. Howie's sweating into his food again, which I know he has no control over, but still. Ew. He explains that tarts are generally a good option when you have no pastry experience and have pre-made dough. Hung is having some problems. His mousse is prepared, but it's not setting correctly. There's still half an hour to go. Tre's making an apple tart, and spruces up the presentation by decorating it with little star shapes and such. It's pretty. With five minutes left, Hung's mousse is still runny. He attempts to salvage it by cutting a slice and creating balustrades of strawberry for the sides. He thinks it still works as a mousse, but it looks like drippy pudding. Dale thinks he has the challenge in the bag. Fate shakes her head soberly and pulls another arrow out of her quiver. Everyone plates their food. Time runs out.
Padma and Maria go down the line, starting with Hung. He's made a banana, rum, chocolate "pie" with spicy peanuts. So, is it a pie or a mousse? Eh, why am I even attempting to rely on the titles? They're always wrong. Padma asks why it didn't have time to set, pointing out that Hung had plenty of time. He says that he neglected to use dark chocolate, so it didn't solidify as hard. Interesting. I'm curious about the differing setting properties of different kinds of chocolate. Something to research when I feel like escaping work for a while. Hung interviews that it wasn't as firm as it should have been, but that all the flavors were there. I don't doubt it, but making a critical error that results in poor texture should pretty much automatically disqualify someone from the win. Howie has made a peach tart tatin ([sic] -- it's spelled tarte tatin, which took me about four seconds to find, incompetent subtitle boobs) with black pepper and a balsamic sabayon. Maria finds the flavor too strong, which Howie had issues with last week, as well. Joplin Joey lies about his experience with dessert before presenting his trio of tarts. No problems here; the judges deserve all the duplicity they get at this point. His first tart is a berry cream with reduced balsamic vinegar. I don't know how those flavors work together, but it's very pretty. The second tart is roasted mango puree with rum, and the third is apple compote with brandy whipped cream. Everything looks tasty, though I don't know if I'd align myself with his description of "like an orgasm in your mouth".
CJ has made the most interesting dish so far. He's made a duo, one part of which is a sort of lollipop made of duck meat that has been crusted with pistachio nuts and bits of the pie crust. It rests in a sauce made from sherry and peppers. The second part of the duo is a duck tart with cabbage, tomato, and arugula puree. Sounds good. Maria says that it's "difficult to put together", which could mean several different things. She didn't sound happy with it, though. Tre presents his caramelized fennel and apple tarte tatin on a mint sabayon and compote of cherries. Padma notes the elegant presentation, which Tre is quite proud of. Brian has made four different tarts that make up a mini-meal: vegetable with arugula pesto, seafood with celeriac puree, chorizo with pepper jack cheese, and berry tart with Grand Marnier. That all sounds great, but Padma actually appears to take issue with the fact that Brian has done so much. He duhs that with people getting eliminated on a regular basis, he has to really go for the gold in each challenge. If judges start getting riled when contestants overtly try to impress them, I'm going to go batshit.
Saram has prepared a braised Swiss chard and rabbit stew, prosciutto-wrapped rabbit tenderloin, and a goat cheese/fig tart with feta. Maria likes the combination of rabbit and spices. Lia has done pork tenderloin and an artichoke/chorizo tart with fennel, pear, and Gruyere cheese. Maria is severely unimpressed. Dale has fortunately not offended God and Nature by combining his strawberries and salmon. He's made two dishes, the first being a spinach and salmon en croute (that is, partially cooked, then wrapped in pastry and baked). Maria tastes it, and gets a look on her face like she just ingested battery acid. Why are pastry chefs so pissy? Anyway, Dale's second component is a strawberry, pear, and saffron tart with vanilla-whipped goat cheese. Eeeeeew. Maria calls it "overwhelming". Saran and Casey's entries are never discussed. Padma asks Maria for her three least favorite dishes first. Lia's artichoke and pear didn't taste good together. Dale's saffron was overwhelming. He should probably just avoid dessert altogether from here on out. Naturally, Hung rounds out the bottom, because chefs should know how to achieve a proper texture. I defy you to look at the "What?! What sort of moron could possibly think I'm anything but a culinary genius?" reaction Hung has to this and not want to smack him with a croquet mallet.
Now, for the good news. First in the top three is Tre, whose dish was simple and elegant. Saram's cheese tart was exceptional. Tallahassee Joey's was "very, very nice". Maria tells him he has a future in tarts. I have no doubt. Oh, she means the dessert kind. *rimshot* I'm just poking fun. He and I have had our issues since this season started, but I'm surprised to find myself completely content with his subsequent win and attendant immunity. He's happy to have it, and thinks he surprised a lot of people. Everyone applauds as he grins widely.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be preparing lunch for the stars of a telenovela called Dame Chocolate (or Give Me Chocolate -- thanks, Spanish minor!). What a completely wacky-ass title. Telenovelas are so awesome. The lunch dishes are to be Latin-themed, and Padma makes a prophetic remark when she says that the actors work a tight schedule that is constantly being adjusted. The chefs will have half an hour to shop for supplies, then three hours to prepare their food the next day. Hung thinks he'll do well, because he lived in Puerto Rico for three years. Because living everywhere in the world did Micah such favors. Lia has plenty of experience eating Latin food, but none cooking it. Padma sends the chefs on their way.
Commercials. On Bravo's new show, a hotel guest is angry when a staff member takes too long to answer the telephone. Boy, that sounds like riveting television. I can't wait to wa...zzzzzzzz.
Shopping time. Saram recaps the challenge for us. I'll assume you've been able to keep it in your head over the commercial break. The chefs have their usual half an hour to shop, and a budget of $125. Someone always has to bemoan the time and money restrictions, and this time around it's Dale. I feel like I've written "Hung runs around" so much by now, that you should just assume that's what he's always doing. Huntsville Joey actually uses the phrase "kick it up a notch" unironically, as he talks about how he's going to add spicy peppers to a black bean stew. Oh, and something about hitting on Latina women, but I'm trying to block that bit out. Lia remembers eating a lot of grilled fish as part of Spanish cuisine, so she's going to smoke some rainbow trout. She's an experienced chef, so I presume she knows that Spanish food and Latin food can be really, really different. Howie asks the butcher to wrap up some meat for him, as Denver Joey wrings his hands over the fact that Howie relies on pork too much. Oh, I wouldn't say that. In ten challenges, Howie has used pork three times. He's not exactly blowing down straw houses for the tasty creatures within. Casey lives near the Mexican border in Texas, so she's fairly confident for this challenge. She wants to make something similar to mole, using coffee as the base flavor. Saran's buying a lot of seafood for an avocado ceviche. One episode without a ceviche! I beg you! She's also going to make her own tortillas, but buys some ready-made ones just in case. Well played, Saran. Everyone checks out.
Back at Chef's Manor, Brian wonders why nobody's doing dessert. I guess he was too busy floating on Team Shrimpsalot's cloud of awesomeness to notice what the hell was going on around him in the previous Elimination Challenge. Casey and Lia discuss Dame Chocolate, and how popular it is. I'll have to hunt it down someday. Univision can be incredibly entertaining. This leads into a couple of interviews in which Lia and Casey describe the friendship they've struck up, and what good support they are for each other. Casey knows that they'll be lifelong friends. Well done, ladies. Here's a shovel. Why don't you get to work on the grave that one of you is all but certain to need in about forty minutes? The moon is actually a crescent, so you can be sure this isn't America's Next Top Model.
The next morning, chefs try to will themselves out of bed. As Saran freshens up, I see an intriguing tattoo on the back of her left shoulder. She laughs that three hours is a lot of time to prepare twenty portions of food, and thinks her experience in catering will help her out. Hung also thinks he has a secret weapon, in that he speaks "somewhat Spanish". Sounds like he speaks somewhat English, too.
LabRat: "What is he, Peggy Hill?"
Brian has no such weapon, not having much cause to explore Latin food in his Pacific Northwest seafood roots. The chefs head out for the day. Once in the Kitchen, they get right to work on their three hours of prep time. Saram says that the atmosphere in the Kitchen is a lot more civilized than usual, because they have so much time to get things ready. Howie says that three hours is just enough time to pull off his dish. Shortly into the prep, Ptom drops by. He says that they "just got a phone call from Dame Chocolate", and that they've "pushed up their luncheon", so the chefs now have an hour and a half instead of three hours to get everything ready. Those passages above are not just in quotes because Ptom says them. They're in quotes because they're the most contrived, phony words ever spoken on this show, and I am not exaggerating. I have zero problems with throwing this wrench into the chefs' plans. It's a good idea for a challenge, and Padma even obliquely warned them. Actually expecting the audience to buy into the phone call story is almost insulting. I guess it's not a big deal; I'm trying to think of another way they could have surprised us and the chefs at the same time with this challenge aspect, and I'm not coming up with anything.
Now that the time limit has been slashed, the chefs panic. There's actually a thunderous sound in the soundtrack. Nice touch, editors. Dale mutters "knew that was coming" as he hurries back to work. Hardest hit is Howie, whose strongest attribute is certainly not working well within a strict time limit. Casey interviews that the added stress of the new time limit means that people are running around with knives and hot pans, which is just not a good idea. She goes on to drama queen that people are losing "all sense of right and wrong", which is just a wee bit of an exaggeration. They're hurrying with skillets, not defacing synagogues with goat blood. Tre shrugs that he's not going to judge anyone's method of dealing with pressure, as long as it gets the job done. Wild jungle music plays, and I half expect a panther to leap out and attack everyone. The swearing is plentiful.
Ptom comes back in to Ptimewaste when 45 minutes remain. Howie has not changed his plan to braise his pork shoulder, which will hopefully finish up in the oven. Lia thinks she could be in worse shape, having only to abandon her plan to grill some polenta. Casey was going to grill her chicken, but is now going to stick it in the oven, instead. She half-kiddingly tries to implore Ptom to jump in and help her cook. Heh. Saran is sure glad she bought those pre-made tortillas now, and Ptom is clearly impressed by her safety net. Hung spazzes all over the place as he tells Ptom about his arroz con pollo. With Ptom still standing there, Hung whirls around and nearly chops Casey right in her side with a gigantic meat cleaver. She takes it a lot better than I would, emitting only an exasperated "Jesus Christ". So some good actually comes out of the Ptimewasting for once, as Ptom interviews that he's concerned about Hung running around the Kitchen like a cracked-out chimpanzee while clutching a meat cleaver. He also wonders why Howie is still bothering to braise the pork, as roasting it would be much faster, and might even turn out tasting better. With thirteen minutes left, everyone starts dumping their food into containers for transport. Hung is overconfident as always, saying that if he can't cook rice, he should just go home right now.
Fate: "Did you learn nothing from the Quickfire? Stupid bug. You go squish now."
Howie feels good about what he accomplished, especially with the rug pulled out from under him. Casey has saved her rice to cook last, because it requires the least amount of time. She becomes busy with other things, and by the time she thinks to check on it, the rice has been on the burner for too long, and it boils over. Howie helps her get it into a pan, but its consistency is now "mushy". Yeah, pasty rice is gross. The Kitchen sink is crammed with dishes. Time runs out.
Commercials. Oh, another new Bravo show! This one has a tiresome man attempting to flip houses. That's even more interesting than the hotel, and I'll be tuning in at the first opportun....zzzzzzzz.
The chefs show up to a Dame Chocolate set, which is a canary yellow house. Dale describes the challenge for us yet again, just in case you just tuned in and are, like, "who are all these people and why are they cooking?". Hey, Gail is back! Yay! What appears to be a tour boat floats by, and the people on it woo and wave. The chefs begin to set up, buffet-style. Lia thinks the hotboxes will overcook a lot of the food, so she's going to serve hers cold. I have to assume she knew what her serving temperature was going to be before she arrived here, but that made it sound like she's just deciding this on the spur of the moment. Howie politely asks Casey to write out his menu for him, admitting that his handwriting stinks. She cheerfully agrees. Aw. I'll bet Howie's handwriting is no worse than my sister's. It's like trying to decipher hieroglyphics! The chefs wrap up their preparations, and the Latin horn section on the soundtrack gives it a rest. A crew member announces lunch.
The cast, crew, and judges start making their way down the line of chefs. Saran presents her shrimp and scallop ceviche with charred corn and pickled radish to Gail. Casey has stuffed chicken breast that's been wrapped in bacon and covered with the molasses coffee glaze. It all rests on a bed of saffron rice. Man, I love saffron rice. I have no idea what the chicken is stuffed with, as they never deem it important enough to let us in on the secret. She's also made what she says is a very spicy sauce, which intrigues one of the telenovela cast members. At least, I assume she's a cast member. I can't envision a crew member needing huge hair and four pounds of lipstick. CJ serves his skirt steak with black beans and jicama slaw. Sounds tasty. Hung launches into Spanish to butter up the guests. "Hola, hola. Buenas tardes. Como estas?" Hey, show some respect! Como esta, if you please. Hung naturally praises himself in interview for his language skills, because this week is all about Hung's comical inability to see his own flaws. Um, spoiler! He's made a pretty basic-looking arroz con pollo. Casey makes fun of his spazzy service.
Tre's dish looks pretty messy. It's seared jumbo prawns with jalapeno cilantro dumplings, and a lobster ceviche. Gail likes the idea of the dumpling. Howie serves up his braised pork shoulder with yucca and sour orange mojo. What a great idea to use yucca. The mojo makes the presentation vibrantly colorful, and it looks delicious. Maria comes through the line, and confirms that Howie stuck to his original plan, despite the time crunch. Bismarck Joey gives Padma his bean stew, which includes lobster, shrimp, chicken and chorizo. That's a lot of meat, which both Howie and I appreciate. Howie is standing next to Cheyenne Joey, and interviews that he couldn't stop eating that stew, and that it blew him away. Lia describes her smoked rainbow trout, which is served with a polenta cake made of Poblano peppers and charred corn. Gail gives Lia some grief for polenta not being Latin, but seems amenable to Lia's explanation that it was made with Latinesque ingredients, and is a nice twist, rather than serving everything on tortillas.
People start to eat, and appear to be pretty happy with whatever they're trying. Ptom stops by Dale's station to pick up some grilled Poblano and braised chicken with fire-roasted corn. That's kind of boring, though I certainly don't begrudge Dale attempting a safe route, especially this week. Saram has made gorgeous chiles rellenos in a black bean sauce. She's also put her special skills to work for her, and has made the cheese that accompanies her dish. A slightly heavyset cast member sings Saram's praises.
Tiffany: "She looks like she ate Patti LuPone."
Daaaaaamn! Everyone also seems to like Howie's pork. Some guy with an extremely Mexican name (but no trace of an accent) appreciates how the chefs made the food taste so "real". I know what he means. Sometimes you get tired of every place that fries a potato chip and sets out a bottle of vinegar calling themselves an Irish pub. Two women agree over their dislike of Hung's arroz con pollo, and are bolstered by No Accent Guy. Omaha Joey's stew goes over very well, but Saran's ceviche is not a hit. Apparently, it just tastes like overpowering guacamole. The judges find Lia's dish really bland, but can't decide if it's because it's not good or they've just been eating so much spice in everyone else's dishes. A woman makes a "yeeccch" noise in describing Casey's chicken. Ptom asks the telenovela stars who plays the bitch on their show, and the woman next to him raises her hand without even pausing her chew. Heh. The director or whoever summons everyone back to work, and they all give the chefs a round of applause. New Haven Joey is extremely confident. Casey is extremely not.
Commercials. That Papa John sure has some blindingly white teeth.
Judges' Table. The judges all really seem to have enjoyed the luncheon, and the knowledge about ingredients the telenovela folks had. Ptom also recaps the time limit twist the chefs had to contend with. Now, to the food. Madison Joey's stew was fantastic. Nobody sitting around Gail finished Lia's food. Padma thinks the polenta cake was mushy, and Maria doesn't see any Latin influence in her dish. Casey's chicken was dry, her rice was overcooked, and the coffee sauce had a sort of bitter aftertaste. Gail happily praises Howie's dish. I really love how she genuinely gets into good food, as opposed to the other judges, who often act overly clinical and technical. Maria agrees with Gail, saying Howie's "rrrrrrrrrred onion salsa" was very nice. The judges reach a decision about their favorites. Ooh, check this out. Back in the Kitchen, there's a chalkboard with all of the challenges, challenge winners, and eliminated contestants marked on it. Heh, they called tonight's Quickfire "Easy as Pie". That would have been a much better episode title. Padma comes in, and summons Howie and Williamsburg Joey to the table. The other chefs applaud, knowing that these two are in the top, because for whatever reason, the producers refuse to build any sort of suspense by ever calling the loser chefs out first.
Upon being told that they're the top two, they smile and thank the judges. Charleston Joey describes how he hit upon the idea for his stew, which was based on a similar dish the Spanish guys he works with make, and he actually dedicates his dish to them. Where did this guy come from? What happened to the snippy, rude, geographically arrogant Butte Joey of three episodes ago? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Gail asks if he would have done anything different if he had had the full three hours to work on the food. Beyond a slightly different method of cutting vegetables, he wouldn't. Howie smirks, which Ptom catches. Howie smilingly admits that the time crunch really threw him for a loop. The judges ask if timing is always going to be an issue for him, which he shrugs off. Padma tells him the flavors were spot-on, and Maria asks if he would have done anything different. He would have liked to have allowed the pork to rest a little more before slicing it. Ptom asks if they tasted everyone's food, and the two both lavishly praise each other's dishes. Everyone's being so nice tonight! It's refreshing. Padma gives it over to Maria to announce the challenge winner, which is Howie. He wins a bottle of wine that Maria has brought from Argentina, and interviews that it feels great to be the first person to win two Elimination Challenges. He shakes the judges' hands, and gives Salem Joey a hug, before Padma tells them the names of the loser chefs to summon.
When they return to the Kitchen, Hung is already sulking that he knows his dish was great. The chefs applaud the winners' return, and Howie announces that he's handing over the bottle of wine to Kansas City Joey, because his was Howie's favorite food. Aw. Brian claps heartily. Everyone else's applause is pretty tepid. OK, let's get to the loser chefs. The judges would like to see Lia, Saran, Casey, and Hung. Hahahaha! Well, not "hahahaha" to Lia, Saran, or Casey. Had enough crow this evening, Hung? Let's see if you can wedge some foot in there along with it. Odd Asian music. Gong. The loser chefs approach the table, and Padma states the always comically obvious fact that theirs were the judges' least favorite of the challenge. The judges start with Hung, and Padma asks why he thinks he's there. I bet everyone at the viewing party ten bucks that he'll say he has no idea, but nobody's moronic enough to take me up on it. Crap. "I'm not sure. Was it too classic?" No, that's not the problem. Ptom describes his underseasoned rice and Hung disagrees (pfft -- of course), thinking the rice was plenty seasoned. In fact, he thought if he was going to be one of the loser chefs, that it would be for overseasoned rice. Ptom makes one of those "Wow, you're an idiot" faces that I generally hate, but it's all good when it comes to Hung. Hung goes on the offensive, suggesting that the judges had no reason for spitting out his rice, and Padma pretty gently lets him in on the fact that all of the chefs are of a certain level, so the judging has to be a lot more nuanced than just discovering that someone has inedible food. Before moving on, Ptom warns him to keep a closer eye on his knife, since he almost cut Casey earlier.
Speaking of Casey, Ptom asks her why she made rice. Yeah, why make rice in a Latin-themed challenge? Next thing you know, you'll be making pasta for an Italian-themed one. It's madness, I tell you! Casey says she would have done things differently with the rice, and fesses up about it boiling over. Ptom takes the opportunity to twist the knife in Hung's side a little bit more, as he asks Casey if she's surprised to end up in the bottom, because Hung clearly was. Hehe. Casey is not surprised, knowing that her rice didn't turn out well. Could she just not have served it? I guess then they could have blasted her for serving something "lacking" or "incomplete" or whatever. Though she takes full blame for the rice, she absolutely stands behind the coffee glaze, saying it turned out exactly as she envisioned, and that she liked the punch it had. Maria gives her an extremely bitchy look, and Ptom says that the glaze didn't really strike him as Latin.
Lia wanted to present Latin flavors in a non-Latin way. Maria asks if she was happy with her "Latin expression". Lia, having learned nothing from Team Sweet-Tooth, explains that she was trying to do something creative. Ptom asks if she's surprised that she's in the bottom. "Not entirely," she responds. Ptom pounces on that as evidence of her thinking her dish was bad enough to send her home, which she denies. Saran is asked if her ceviche was authentic enough. She admits that it wasn't, but says that an old roommate of hers used to make a guacamole ceviche that Saran put a new spin on by adding scallops and charred corn. The biggest problem the judges seem to have with it is that the flavors were a bit muddled, and that the scallops were overwhelmed. All in all, Saran gets off pretty easy. The chefs are dismissed. Casey tells the safe chefs that they have no idea who's going home.
Deliberations. The judges completely nail Hung's arrogance. Gail admits to wanting to knock him down a few pegs. Saran's dish wasn't complicated enough, and really wasn't an entree. Lia's dish was bland, had texture problems, and wasn't Latin. Casey's rice and chicken weren't good, and Padma has a real problem with her coffee glaze. The judges seem to have a rougher time than usual coming up with the chef to eliminate, but they do arrive at a decision.
Commercials. How many more movies must Claire Danes ruin before you people GET IT?
Elimination. Ptom says that this challenge was all about timing, which is pretty funny, because the surprise time crunch really didn't affect any of these four chefs. Saran's dish wasn't "advertised" properly. Hung's dish was classic, but missed the mark. Casey's rice and chicken wasn't up to par. Lia has no excuse for serving bland food. Padma delivers the bad news. Lia. Please pack your knives and go. Casey looks more upset than Lia does. She begins to cry as she comes back to the Kitchen, and in trying to do the nice thing by saying that "the very talented and inspiring chef Lia will be going home," she unfortunately makes it look like she's hogging the moment. The two of them share a long hug. Lia is embarrassed and frustrated with herself to be leaving this early, because she knows she could have done better. What, she's not going to lambast the judges for eliminating someone with her burning talent, just because she didn't do well in either of the challenges this week? It's almost as if they've cast people with a modicum of grace and self-awareness this season! She hugs everyone good-bye, and Casey continues to sob. Lia closes by saying that playing off the other chefs' ideas was a really great experience, and she's going to continue cooking, because she finds such fun in it. Awwww.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs split into teams of three -- the better to highlight people who have issues working with others. I won't name any names, except to say that it rhymes with Wowie. Team Sweet-Tooth took Ptom at his word, and when they risked doing something outside their areas of expertise, they were roundly chastised. If the chefs do nothing but boring signature dishes which they could do blindfolded for the rest of the competition, I hope Ptom will be satisfied. Lia's shrimp won the day, while Camille's disappointing cake got her sent back into the welcoming arms of People Too Nice And Normal To Excel In Reality Television. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Yet another beautiful day dawns in Miami. You'd think it never rains at all down there. Over at Chef's Manor, Lia interviews that Camille was just starting to come out of her shell when she got eliminated, and everyone was really sorry to see her go. Meanwhile, Oklahoma City Joey worries that he's not been doing so well in the competition lately, and wonders how he can pull himself out of the low challenge placements. He chooses "I'm just keeping a low profile" from the limited selection of bullshit excuses, calling himself a "gray horse". Guess he's keeping a low profile in learning idioms, as well. Hung interviews that he's always going to try his hardest, approaching each challenge as if it were his last. He blahs some more, but his self-congratulatory bluster is becoming such a constant background that I tune a lot of it out now. The chefs trudge out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Maria Frumkin, this week's guest judge. Frumkin sounds like a Lord of the Rings character, and now I'm imagining Maria dancing around, singing about a hillside for twenty pages. Thanks a lot, brain. Tre says that she's a very experienced pastry chef, so I'll take his word for it. Padma says that this week's challenges are all about timing. Shot of Howie. Hehehe. Today's Quickfire Challenge will incorporate one of the most "widely-used, time-saving innovations of the twentieth century". Caller ID? I'm kidding, but really. How did we ever live without it? What Padma is really referring to is frozen pie crust, which understandably raises Dale's hackles. Still licking his wounds from being told off for attempting dessert, he tells us that his immediate response to a pie crust challenge is "Fuck. You." Hah! The challenge is to use the pie crust any way that the chefs would like to create a creative, ambitious dish. Only don't actually get creative or ambitious, or you'll be shot down for doing something you're not a complete expert at. I may have added that last part. The chefs have ninety minutes instead of the usual thirty. Padma tells them that they'd better come up with something impressive, "especially after last week's dessert debacle". Yeah, I'm with Dale. Fuck you.
Ready? Go! Hung expresses an affinity for banana pie, so he's making a chocolate mousse with bananas and peanuts. He knows all those flavors work well together, so how could anything go wrong? Fate laughs merrily and strings her bow. Dale is making another free-form tart. Because that worked out so well last week. This one has strawberries and saffron. He's also working with salmon, which I hope against hope is not being combined with the strawberries. He hopes to redeem himself after the last challenge. Saram is equally nervous, and starts slicing up rabbit meat. Hung runs around as usual, completely oblivious to space that is occupied by, oh say, other people. Saran reminds us that the contestants aren't pastry chefs, and thus aren't accustomed to making dessert. Really? Why haven't they ever mentioned this before? Champaign-Urbana Joey lets us in on the secret that he actually does have some pastry experience, but didn't want to put himself on the line last week. And after seeing the judges' reaction to dessert, who can blame him? He's working on a tart trio, which he feels pretty good about. Lia opts for a savory dish instead of a sweet one, also mindful of what will happen if she attempts to do something dessert-like without having a Master's degree in pastry.
Hung? Still running around like a cheetah on meth. Howie's sweating into his food again, which I know he has no control over, but still. Ew. He explains that tarts are generally a good option when you have no pastry experience and have pre-made dough. Hung is having some problems. His mousse is prepared, but it's not setting correctly. There's still half an hour to go. Tre's making an apple tart, and spruces up the presentation by decorating it with little star shapes and such. It's pretty. With five minutes left, Hung's mousse is still runny. He attempts to salvage it by cutting a slice and creating balustrades of strawberry for the sides. He thinks it still works as a mousse, but it looks like drippy pudding. Dale thinks he has the challenge in the bag. Fate shakes her head soberly and pulls another arrow out of her quiver. Everyone plates their food. Time runs out.
Padma and Maria go down the line, starting with Hung. He's made a banana, rum, chocolate "pie" with spicy peanuts. So, is it a pie or a mousse? Eh, why am I even attempting to rely on the titles? They're always wrong. Padma asks why it didn't have time to set, pointing out that Hung had plenty of time. He says that he neglected to use dark chocolate, so it didn't solidify as hard. Interesting. I'm curious about the differing setting properties of different kinds of chocolate. Something to research when I feel like escaping work for a while. Hung interviews that it wasn't as firm as it should have been, but that all the flavors were there. I don't doubt it, but making a critical error that results in poor texture should pretty much automatically disqualify someone from the win. Howie has made a peach tart tatin ([sic] -- it's spelled tarte tatin, which took me about four seconds to find, incompetent subtitle boobs) with black pepper and a balsamic sabayon. Maria finds the flavor too strong, which Howie had issues with last week, as well. Joplin Joey lies about his experience with dessert before presenting his trio of tarts. No problems here; the judges deserve all the duplicity they get at this point. His first tart is a berry cream with reduced balsamic vinegar. I don't know how those flavors work together, but it's very pretty. The second tart is roasted mango puree with rum, and the third is apple compote with brandy whipped cream. Everything looks tasty, though I don't know if I'd align myself with his description of "like an orgasm in your mouth".
CJ has made the most interesting dish so far. He's made a duo, one part of which is a sort of lollipop made of duck meat that has been crusted with pistachio nuts and bits of the pie crust. It rests in a sauce made from sherry and peppers. The second part of the duo is a duck tart with cabbage, tomato, and arugula puree. Sounds good. Maria says that it's "difficult to put together", which could mean several different things. She didn't sound happy with it, though. Tre presents his caramelized fennel and apple tarte tatin on a mint sabayon and compote of cherries. Padma notes the elegant presentation, which Tre is quite proud of. Brian has made four different tarts that make up a mini-meal: vegetable with arugula pesto, seafood with celeriac puree, chorizo with pepper jack cheese, and berry tart with Grand Marnier. That all sounds great, but Padma actually appears to take issue with the fact that Brian has done so much. He duhs that with people getting eliminated on a regular basis, he has to really go for the gold in each challenge. If judges start getting riled when contestants overtly try to impress them, I'm going to go batshit.
Saram has prepared a braised Swiss chard and rabbit stew, prosciutto-wrapped rabbit tenderloin, and a goat cheese/fig tart with feta. Maria likes the combination of rabbit and spices. Lia has done pork tenderloin and an artichoke/chorizo tart with fennel, pear, and Gruyere cheese. Maria is severely unimpressed. Dale has fortunately not offended God and Nature by combining his strawberries and salmon. He's made two dishes, the first being a spinach and salmon en croute (that is, partially cooked, then wrapped in pastry and baked). Maria tastes it, and gets a look on her face like she just ingested battery acid. Why are pastry chefs so pissy? Anyway, Dale's second component is a strawberry, pear, and saffron tart with vanilla-whipped goat cheese. Eeeeeew. Maria calls it "overwhelming". Saran and Casey's entries are never discussed. Padma asks Maria for her three least favorite dishes first. Lia's artichoke and pear didn't taste good together. Dale's saffron was overwhelming. He should probably just avoid dessert altogether from here on out. Naturally, Hung rounds out the bottom, because chefs should know how to achieve a proper texture. I defy you to look at the "What?! What sort of moron could possibly think I'm anything but a culinary genius?" reaction Hung has to this and not want to smack him with a croquet mallet.
Now, for the good news. First in the top three is Tre, whose dish was simple and elegant. Saram's cheese tart was exceptional. Tallahassee Joey's was "very, very nice". Maria tells him he has a future in tarts. I have no doubt. Oh, she means the dessert kind. *rimshot* I'm just poking fun. He and I have had our issues since this season started, but I'm surprised to find myself completely content with his subsequent win and attendant immunity. He's happy to have it, and thinks he surprised a lot of people. Everyone applauds as he grins widely.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be preparing lunch for the stars of a telenovela called Dame Chocolate (or Give Me Chocolate -- thanks, Spanish minor!). What a completely wacky-ass title. Telenovelas are so awesome. The lunch dishes are to be Latin-themed, and Padma makes a prophetic remark when she says that the actors work a tight schedule that is constantly being adjusted. The chefs will have half an hour to shop for supplies, then three hours to prepare their food the next day. Hung thinks he'll do well, because he lived in Puerto Rico for three years. Because living everywhere in the world did Micah such favors. Lia has plenty of experience eating Latin food, but none cooking it. Padma sends the chefs on their way.
Commercials. On Bravo's new show, a hotel guest is angry when a staff member takes too long to answer the telephone. Boy, that sounds like riveting television. I can't wait to wa...zzzzzzzz.
Shopping time. Saram recaps the challenge for us. I'll assume you've been able to keep it in your head over the commercial break. The chefs have their usual half an hour to shop, and a budget of $125. Someone always has to bemoan the time and money restrictions, and this time around it's Dale. I feel like I've written "Hung runs around" so much by now, that you should just assume that's what he's always doing. Huntsville Joey actually uses the phrase "kick it up a notch" unironically, as he talks about how he's going to add spicy peppers to a black bean stew. Oh, and something about hitting on Latina women, but I'm trying to block that bit out. Lia remembers eating a lot of grilled fish as part of Spanish cuisine, so she's going to smoke some rainbow trout. She's an experienced chef, so I presume she knows that Spanish food and Latin food can be really, really different. Howie asks the butcher to wrap up some meat for him, as Denver Joey wrings his hands over the fact that Howie relies on pork too much. Oh, I wouldn't say that. In ten challenges, Howie has used pork three times. He's not exactly blowing down straw houses for the tasty creatures within. Casey lives near the Mexican border in Texas, so she's fairly confident for this challenge. She wants to make something similar to mole, using coffee as the base flavor. Saran's buying a lot of seafood for an avocado ceviche. One episode without a ceviche! I beg you! She's also going to make her own tortillas, but buys some ready-made ones just in case. Well played, Saran. Everyone checks out.
Back at Chef's Manor, Brian wonders why nobody's doing dessert. I guess he was too busy floating on Team Shrimpsalot's cloud of awesomeness to notice what the hell was going on around him in the previous Elimination Challenge. Casey and Lia discuss Dame Chocolate, and how popular it is. I'll have to hunt it down someday. Univision can be incredibly entertaining. This leads into a couple of interviews in which Lia and Casey describe the friendship they've struck up, and what good support they are for each other. Casey knows that they'll be lifelong friends. Well done, ladies. Here's a shovel. Why don't you get to work on the grave that one of you is all but certain to need in about forty minutes? The moon is actually a crescent, so you can be sure this isn't America's Next Top Model.
The next morning, chefs try to will themselves out of bed. As Saran freshens up, I see an intriguing tattoo on the back of her left shoulder. She laughs that three hours is a lot of time to prepare twenty portions of food, and thinks her experience in catering will help her out. Hung also thinks he has a secret weapon, in that he speaks "somewhat Spanish". Sounds like he speaks somewhat English, too.
LabRat: "What is he, Peggy Hill?"
Brian has no such weapon, not having much cause to explore Latin food in his Pacific Northwest seafood roots. The chefs head out for the day. Once in the Kitchen, they get right to work on their three hours of prep time. Saram says that the atmosphere in the Kitchen is a lot more civilized than usual, because they have so much time to get things ready. Howie says that three hours is just enough time to pull off his dish. Shortly into the prep, Ptom drops by. He says that they "just got a phone call from Dame Chocolate", and that they've "pushed up their luncheon", so the chefs now have an hour and a half instead of three hours to get everything ready. Those passages above are not just in quotes because Ptom says them. They're in quotes because they're the most contrived, phony words ever spoken on this show, and I am not exaggerating. I have zero problems with throwing this wrench into the chefs' plans. It's a good idea for a challenge, and Padma even obliquely warned them. Actually expecting the audience to buy into the phone call story is almost insulting. I guess it's not a big deal; I'm trying to think of another way they could have surprised us and the chefs at the same time with this challenge aspect, and I'm not coming up with anything.
Now that the time limit has been slashed, the chefs panic. There's actually a thunderous sound in the soundtrack. Nice touch, editors. Dale mutters "knew that was coming" as he hurries back to work. Hardest hit is Howie, whose strongest attribute is certainly not working well within a strict time limit. Casey interviews that the added stress of the new time limit means that people are running around with knives and hot pans, which is just not a good idea. She goes on to drama queen that people are losing "all sense of right and wrong", which is just a wee bit of an exaggeration. They're hurrying with skillets, not defacing synagogues with goat blood. Tre shrugs that he's not going to judge anyone's method of dealing with pressure, as long as it gets the job done. Wild jungle music plays, and I half expect a panther to leap out and attack everyone. The swearing is plentiful.
Ptom comes back in to Ptimewaste when 45 minutes remain. Howie has not changed his plan to braise his pork shoulder, which will hopefully finish up in the oven. Lia thinks she could be in worse shape, having only to abandon her plan to grill some polenta. Casey was going to grill her chicken, but is now going to stick it in the oven, instead. She half-kiddingly tries to implore Ptom to jump in and help her cook. Heh. Saran is sure glad she bought those pre-made tortillas now, and Ptom is clearly impressed by her safety net. Hung spazzes all over the place as he tells Ptom about his arroz con pollo. With Ptom still standing there, Hung whirls around and nearly chops Casey right in her side with a gigantic meat cleaver. She takes it a lot better than I would, emitting only an exasperated "Jesus Christ". So some good actually comes out of the Ptimewasting for once, as Ptom interviews that he's concerned about Hung running around the Kitchen like a cracked-out chimpanzee while clutching a meat cleaver. He also wonders why Howie is still bothering to braise the pork, as roasting it would be much faster, and might even turn out tasting better. With thirteen minutes left, everyone starts dumping their food into containers for transport. Hung is overconfident as always, saying that if he can't cook rice, he should just go home right now.
Fate: "Did you learn nothing from the Quickfire? Stupid bug. You go squish now."
Howie feels good about what he accomplished, especially with the rug pulled out from under him. Casey has saved her rice to cook last, because it requires the least amount of time. She becomes busy with other things, and by the time she thinks to check on it, the rice has been on the burner for too long, and it boils over. Howie helps her get it into a pan, but its consistency is now "mushy". Yeah, pasty rice is gross. The Kitchen sink is crammed with dishes. Time runs out.
Commercials. Oh, another new Bravo show! This one has a tiresome man attempting to flip houses. That's even more interesting than the hotel, and I'll be tuning in at the first opportun....zzzzzzzz.
The chefs show up to a Dame Chocolate set, which is a canary yellow house. Dale describes the challenge for us yet again, just in case you just tuned in and are, like, "who are all these people and why are they cooking?". Hey, Gail is back! Yay! What appears to be a tour boat floats by, and the people on it woo and wave. The chefs begin to set up, buffet-style. Lia thinks the hotboxes will overcook a lot of the food, so she's going to serve hers cold. I have to assume she knew what her serving temperature was going to be before she arrived here, but that made it sound like she's just deciding this on the spur of the moment. Howie politely asks Casey to write out his menu for him, admitting that his handwriting stinks. She cheerfully agrees. Aw. I'll bet Howie's handwriting is no worse than my sister's. It's like trying to decipher hieroglyphics! The chefs wrap up their preparations, and the Latin horn section on the soundtrack gives it a rest. A crew member announces lunch.
The cast, crew, and judges start making their way down the line of chefs. Saran presents her shrimp and scallop ceviche with charred corn and pickled radish to Gail. Casey has stuffed chicken breast that's been wrapped in bacon and covered with the molasses coffee glaze. It all rests on a bed of saffron rice. Man, I love saffron rice. I have no idea what the chicken is stuffed with, as they never deem it important enough to let us in on the secret. She's also made what she says is a very spicy sauce, which intrigues one of the telenovela cast members. At least, I assume she's a cast member. I can't envision a crew member needing huge hair and four pounds of lipstick. CJ serves his skirt steak with black beans and jicama slaw. Sounds tasty. Hung launches into Spanish to butter up the guests. "Hola, hola. Buenas tardes. Como estas?" Hey, show some respect! Como esta, if you please. Hung naturally praises himself in interview for his language skills, because this week is all about Hung's comical inability to see his own flaws. Um, spoiler! He's made a pretty basic-looking arroz con pollo. Casey makes fun of his spazzy service.
Tre's dish looks pretty messy. It's seared jumbo prawns with jalapeno cilantro dumplings, and a lobster ceviche. Gail likes the idea of the dumpling. Howie serves up his braised pork shoulder with yucca and sour orange mojo. What a great idea to use yucca. The mojo makes the presentation vibrantly colorful, and it looks delicious. Maria comes through the line, and confirms that Howie stuck to his original plan, despite the time crunch. Bismarck Joey gives Padma his bean stew, which includes lobster, shrimp, chicken and chorizo. That's a lot of meat, which both Howie and I appreciate. Howie is standing next to Cheyenne Joey, and interviews that he couldn't stop eating that stew, and that it blew him away. Lia describes her smoked rainbow trout, which is served with a polenta cake made of Poblano peppers and charred corn. Gail gives Lia some grief for polenta not being Latin, but seems amenable to Lia's explanation that it was made with Latinesque ingredients, and is a nice twist, rather than serving everything on tortillas.
People start to eat, and appear to be pretty happy with whatever they're trying. Ptom stops by Dale's station to pick up some grilled Poblano and braised chicken with fire-roasted corn. That's kind of boring, though I certainly don't begrudge Dale attempting a safe route, especially this week. Saram has made gorgeous chiles rellenos in a black bean sauce. She's also put her special skills to work for her, and has made the cheese that accompanies her dish. A slightly heavyset cast member sings Saram's praises.
Tiffany: "She looks like she ate Patti LuPone."
Daaaaaamn! Everyone also seems to like Howie's pork. Some guy with an extremely Mexican name (but no trace of an accent) appreciates how the chefs made the food taste so "real". I know what he means. Sometimes you get tired of every place that fries a potato chip and sets out a bottle of vinegar calling themselves an Irish pub. Two women agree over their dislike of Hung's arroz con pollo, and are bolstered by No Accent Guy. Omaha Joey's stew goes over very well, but Saran's ceviche is not a hit. Apparently, it just tastes like overpowering guacamole. The judges find Lia's dish really bland, but can't decide if it's because it's not good or they've just been eating so much spice in everyone else's dishes. A woman makes a "yeeccch" noise in describing Casey's chicken. Ptom asks the telenovela stars who plays the bitch on their show, and the woman next to him raises her hand without even pausing her chew. Heh. The director or whoever summons everyone back to work, and they all give the chefs a round of applause. New Haven Joey is extremely confident. Casey is extremely not.
Commercials. That Papa John sure has some blindingly white teeth.
Judges' Table. The judges all really seem to have enjoyed the luncheon, and the knowledge about ingredients the telenovela folks had. Ptom also recaps the time limit twist the chefs had to contend with. Now, to the food. Madison Joey's stew was fantastic. Nobody sitting around Gail finished Lia's food. Padma thinks the polenta cake was mushy, and Maria doesn't see any Latin influence in her dish. Casey's chicken was dry, her rice was overcooked, and the coffee sauce had a sort of bitter aftertaste. Gail happily praises Howie's dish. I really love how she genuinely gets into good food, as opposed to the other judges, who often act overly clinical and technical. Maria agrees with Gail, saying Howie's "rrrrrrrrrred onion salsa" was very nice. The judges reach a decision about their favorites. Ooh, check this out. Back in the Kitchen, there's a chalkboard with all of the challenges, challenge winners, and eliminated contestants marked on it. Heh, they called tonight's Quickfire "Easy as Pie". That would have been a much better episode title. Padma comes in, and summons Howie and Williamsburg Joey to the table. The other chefs applaud, knowing that these two are in the top, because for whatever reason, the producers refuse to build any sort of suspense by ever calling the loser chefs out first.
Upon being told that they're the top two, they smile and thank the judges. Charleston Joey describes how he hit upon the idea for his stew, which was based on a similar dish the Spanish guys he works with make, and he actually dedicates his dish to them. Where did this guy come from? What happened to the snippy, rude, geographically arrogant Butte Joey of three episodes ago? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Gail asks if he would have done anything different if he had had the full three hours to work on the food. Beyond a slightly different method of cutting vegetables, he wouldn't. Howie smirks, which Ptom catches. Howie smilingly admits that the time crunch really threw him for a loop. The judges ask if timing is always going to be an issue for him, which he shrugs off. Padma tells him the flavors were spot-on, and Maria asks if he would have done anything different. He would have liked to have allowed the pork to rest a little more before slicing it. Ptom asks if they tasted everyone's food, and the two both lavishly praise each other's dishes. Everyone's being so nice tonight! It's refreshing. Padma gives it over to Maria to announce the challenge winner, which is Howie. He wins a bottle of wine that Maria has brought from Argentina, and interviews that it feels great to be the first person to win two Elimination Challenges. He shakes the judges' hands, and gives Salem Joey a hug, before Padma tells them the names of the loser chefs to summon.
When they return to the Kitchen, Hung is already sulking that he knows his dish was great. The chefs applaud the winners' return, and Howie announces that he's handing over the bottle of wine to Kansas City Joey, because his was Howie's favorite food. Aw. Brian claps heartily. Everyone else's applause is pretty tepid. OK, let's get to the loser chefs. The judges would like to see Lia, Saran, Casey, and Hung. Hahahaha! Well, not "hahahaha" to Lia, Saran, or Casey. Had enough crow this evening, Hung? Let's see if you can wedge some foot in there along with it. Odd Asian music. Gong. The loser chefs approach the table, and Padma states the always comically obvious fact that theirs were the judges' least favorite of the challenge. The judges start with Hung, and Padma asks why he thinks he's there. I bet everyone at the viewing party ten bucks that he'll say he has no idea, but nobody's moronic enough to take me up on it. Crap. "I'm not sure. Was it too classic?" No, that's not the problem. Ptom describes his underseasoned rice and Hung disagrees (pfft -- of course), thinking the rice was plenty seasoned. In fact, he thought if he was going to be one of the loser chefs, that it would be for overseasoned rice. Ptom makes one of those "Wow, you're an idiot" faces that I generally hate, but it's all good when it comes to Hung. Hung goes on the offensive, suggesting that the judges had no reason for spitting out his rice, and Padma pretty gently lets him in on the fact that all of the chefs are of a certain level, so the judging has to be a lot more nuanced than just discovering that someone has inedible food. Before moving on, Ptom warns him to keep a closer eye on his knife, since he almost cut Casey earlier.
Speaking of Casey, Ptom asks her why she made rice. Yeah, why make rice in a Latin-themed challenge? Next thing you know, you'll be making pasta for an Italian-themed one. It's madness, I tell you! Casey says she would have done things differently with the rice, and fesses up about it boiling over. Ptom takes the opportunity to twist the knife in Hung's side a little bit more, as he asks Casey if she's surprised to end up in the bottom, because Hung clearly was. Hehe. Casey is not surprised, knowing that her rice didn't turn out well. Could she just not have served it? I guess then they could have blasted her for serving something "lacking" or "incomplete" or whatever. Though she takes full blame for the rice, she absolutely stands behind the coffee glaze, saying it turned out exactly as she envisioned, and that she liked the punch it had. Maria gives her an extremely bitchy look, and Ptom says that the glaze didn't really strike him as Latin.
Lia wanted to present Latin flavors in a non-Latin way. Maria asks if she was happy with her "Latin expression". Lia, having learned nothing from Team Sweet-Tooth, explains that she was trying to do something creative. Ptom asks if she's surprised that she's in the bottom. "Not entirely," she responds. Ptom pounces on that as evidence of her thinking her dish was bad enough to send her home, which she denies. Saran is asked if her ceviche was authentic enough. She admits that it wasn't, but says that an old roommate of hers used to make a guacamole ceviche that Saran put a new spin on by adding scallops and charred corn. The biggest problem the judges seem to have with it is that the flavors were a bit muddled, and that the scallops were overwhelmed. All in all, Saran gets off pretty easy. The chefs are dismissed. Casey tells the safe chefs that they have no idea who's going home.
Deliberations. The judges completely nail Hung's arrogance. Gail admits to wanting to knock him down a few pegs. Saran's dish wasn't complicated enough, and really wasn't an entree. Lia's dish was bland, had texture problems, and wasn't Latin. Casey's rice and chicken weren't good, and Padma has a real problem with her coffee glaze. The judges seem to have a rougher time than usual coming up with the chef to eliminate, but they do arrive at a decision.
Commercials. How many more movies must Claire Danes ruin before you people GET IT?
Elimination. Ptom says that this challenge was all about timing, which is pretty funny, because the surprise time crunch really didn't affect any of these four chefs. Saran's dish wasn't "advertised" properly. Hung's dish was classic, but missed the mark. Casey's rice and chicken wasn't up to par. Lia has no excuse for serving bland food. Padma delivers the bad news. Lia. Please pack your knives and go. Casey looks more upset than Lia does. She begins to cry as she comes back to the Kitchen, and in trying to do the nice thing by saying that "the very talented and inspiring chef Lia will be going home," she unfortunately makes it look like she's hogging the moment. The two of them share a long hug. Lia is embarrassed and frustrated with herself to be leaving this early, because she knows she could have done better. What, she's not going to lambast the judges for eliminating someone with her burning talent, just because she didn't do well in either of the challenges this week? It's almost as if they've cast people with a modicum of grace and self-awareness this season! She hugs everyone good-bye, and Casey continues to sob. Lia closes by saying that playing off the other chefs' ideas was a really great experience, and she's going to continue cooking, because she finds such fun in it. Awwww.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Cooking by the Numbers
Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were asked to update old-fashioned favorites for the judges, who embraced the "old-fashioned" part of the challenge by acting like cranky old codgers for the entire episode. Howie and Dale managed to score some points, but CJ's idea didn't work out, Lia didn't put enough effort into her food, and Saram... Didn't really do anything that wrong, but got chewed out anyway. Micah, despite living in every single country in the world, couldn't figure out how to make a serviceable meatloaf, and she was sent on her way. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Everyone really went all out this week. Except me. I just bought wine. But really tasty wine! LabRat made Parmesan chicken drumsticks, while Timiffany got experimental with pineapple/ham quesadillas, mango/kiwi salsa, and an odd concoction of kiwi/peanut butter tortilla rolls with whipped cream. They actually weren't half-bad, though I may have been the only one to think so. Toss in some aged cheddar blocks and summer sausage, and we were all stuffed and happy.
Morning at Chef's Manor. ONCE AGAIN, we're told how much it feels more like a competition once someone gets eliminated. Chefs get prepared for their day. Lia interviews that she's one of the younger competitors, but has the drive to win. Howie hopes the others have a new perception of him, now that he's actually won a challenge instead of flailing at the bottom. He's a little reluctant to give up his underdog status, but seems to be in a much better mood. The chefs give a little cheer, and head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where Padma and a well-dressed man await. There are tables set up with several different cocktails in martini glasses. I hope it's not too early. I like to drink, too, but I do not need to be knocking back rum at nine in the morning. Dale gets excited for the challenge, because his last consulting gig was "mixology" and food-pairing. Ah, "mixology". When I first ran across this hideous term, it simply meant "bartender". I guess people with insecurity issues needed to make their jobs sound more important. But now, "mixology" has taken on new life. Just as wine stewards have taken to calling themselves sommeliers, "mixologists" fancy themselves experts at pairing certain types of mixed drinks with certain types of food. It's not a bad idea in general, but that insecurity (along with a fair amount of pretention and arrogance) kicked back in, so "mixologists" try to sell the idea that it takes a highly sophisticated palate to suggest an appletini to someone eating pork or whatever. Casey is nervous, knowing her wines, but being less experienced with cocktails.
Padma introduces the Quickfire's guest judge, Jamie Walker. He's the "global master mixologist" for the gin company that sponsors Top Chef. See what I mean about the pretention? "Global master"? He makes drinks with gin in them. Speaking of which, he's made a wide array of drinks for today's challenge. The chefs will need to create an appetizer to pair with the cocktail that they get. They'll choose cocktails by drawing knives. Jamie tells them how important it is to balance flavors, then dutifully recites his product placement script. The chefs pull their knives, and Padma gives them thirty minutes to taste their drinks and whip up an appetizer. Get going, scrubs!
Hung, you'll be surprised to hear, runs around like a gazelle. Everyone picks up their drinks, and sips at them daintily. Dale got a glass of sherry, which is pure alcohol, so he wants to make something that will cut through that flavor. He chooses foie gras, which causes a few noses to wrinkle at the viewing party, but which I love. Yay, liver! Camille has gotten a chocolate mint martini, and she thinks the sweetness may give her some problems as far as pairing food with it. Dallas Joey has a roasted pineapple and vanilla martini, which he enjoys mightily. Casey, on the other hand, has pulled a strawberry balsamic rickey, and doesn't even know what that is, exactly. Being an inquisitive sort, I spent thirty full seconds researching it on the web. No, no, don't thank me. The warmth from the fact that I've spread knowledge through the world is just reward for my sacrifice. Most of the rickeys I came across are a combination of lime juice, gin, and carbonated water. Rickeys with other ingredients all seem to branch off of that one. I didn't see any reference to strawberries, so maybe this is breaking new ground in the field of "mixology". Exciting! Not having any experience to draw from, Casey's brain frantically cross-references strawberries with everything else in creation, and comes up with the idea to make a kind of French toast as her appetizer.
Hung disdains the challenge, because hard alcohol doesn't go with the "fine, elegant, refined" food that he cooks. Says the guy who works in a casino. The pretentious twat alarm goes off for the second time this episode, and we're not even through the Quickfire yet. Hang on, I've got to go add Pretentious Twats to the Awesome Band Name list. OK, done. Actually, I kind of feel Hung on this one (hehe -- I said "feel Hung"), because he drew the raspberry and mint martini, which I've got to admit is pretty damn froufrou. His appetizer has a cream sauce of some kind, and he interviews that "sweetness always goes with creaminess". More on this in a second. Time runs short, and everyone goes into their usual hyperdrive mode. The chefs plate up, and time runs out.
Padma and Jamie go down the line. Wichita Joey has made a caramelized diver sea scallop and some jasmine rice risotto to go with his pineapple/vanilla martini. This year's contestants really like their scallops, don't they? Jamie likes, but doesn't love it. Howie has made some very pretty balsamic-glazed diver scallops (see?) and topped them with arugula, blueberries, and grapes (to go with a watermelon/chili martini). Jamie enjoys it. Hung has paired his raspberry mint martini with salmon and salmon skin, with a sour cream and lemon balsamic sauce on the side. Sounds tasty, although... Well, we'll still get to it in a second. Jamie finds the drink too sweet for the dish. Moving on, he notes that CJ is tall. Can't slip anything by the "global master"! CJ's drink was the lemon bomb, and he's paired it with caramelized watermelon, grilled avocado, and squid. I'm not sure how I feel about caramelized watermelon, but it looks good, overall. Jamie thinks the drink calls for richer, bolder flavors.
Dale has paired his sherry with seared foie gras, candied parsnips, oranges, and rice wine vinegar gastrique. After tasting it, Jamie says he knows it'll work well with the drink even before sipping it. He sips, then agrees with himself. Tre has the strawberry basil martini, and has made sumac and black pepper halibut with smoked sea salt and watermelon. I didn't know people could cook with sumac. At any rate, it looks really, really good. Jamie seems to agree. Casey has followed through on her French toast idea, and made it with a baguette. She's also made pecan-crusted foie gras and a raspberry sauce. Hmm. Foie gras and raspberry? Jamie says that it works very well.
Decision time. Padma asks for the bad news first. Minneapolis Joey's flavors were too robust and heavy -- almost clumsy. Hung's flavors were "muddled", and he would have done better to work with "richer, stronger" flavors. "So sweetness didn't go good [sic] with creaminess? Thank you," Hung says mildly. Then, in interview, Hung says that Jamie was just confused, so he "called [Jamie] out". OK, now we can settle in for a minute. First of all, "called him out"? Hung's response to Jamie was so meek, he's about to inherit the Earth. He barely asked for a clarification, let alone issue some sort of challenge. But the real issue here is that yet again, Hung has decided that because someone didn't like his preparation, they must be a complete nimrod. As I said, Hung's Quickfire entry sounded pretty tasty. If it had been on its own. But salmon, sour cream, and raspberry mint liquor? Eeeeew. Does he seriously think that all creamy textures go with all sweet flavors? Macaroni and cheese with a Hershey's bar? A cup of blueberry yogurt with peanut butter cookies? Sorry you're not the golden boy in every challenge, Hung, but perhaps you could get over yourself just a wee bit.
There's a lingering shot of CJ, so perhaps he's the third person in the bottom, but we never hear a word about it. On to the good news. Casey worked well with her "botanical" flavors. Tre's looked too light at first, but worked really well with the drink. Finally, Dale had a difficult drink to work with, and handled the balance deftly. Jamie gives a proper dramatic pause before announcing the winner of the challenge -- Casey. The other chefs applaud. They're certainly more polite than last season's batch of self-entitled, whiny losers. Not that I'm still bitter. Casey snags immunity for her win, so she's settled safely for the rest of the episode. She interviews about how happy she is to have won, and we get an inkling of why she wears so many headbands and hair scarves. When Casey's hair isn't pulled back, the effect is just a little bit soccer-mom-at-the-mall. I'm just happy she doesn't drone on about how she's still going to give it her all in the Elimination Challenge.
Speaking of which, here it is. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be dividing themselves into teams of three. Each team will create one course of a four-course tasting menu. Each course must be a trio based around a single ingredient. Hey, good challenge. Lia interviews that it's been all individual challenges up to now, and nobody knows what people will be like once they're forced into a group. Oh, I'd wager that some of these folks don't play well with others. The chefs will have two hours to cook at a local restaurant, and the meal will be served to ten members of the Pretentious Twat Dining Society. As an added cruel (and thus welcome) twist, the chefs aren't assigned teams, but have ten minutes to pick them for themselves. Brian suggests just putting everyone's name into a hat and drawing for teams. Aw, nobody's getting picked last at this kickball game. The initial idea is that the first three people drawn are a team, and will have the first course. It turns out to be Camille, Brian, and Lia. The next bunch is Howie, Dale, and Casey.
That's all we see for now, and people try to decide what they're going to make. It becomes a clusterfuck, as multiple teams want to take on a fish course. As with every other person in the history of this show (except Marisa, God bless her entertaining incompetence), nobody wants to even get near dessert. Dale points out in interview (freshly shaven) that nobody really knew the ins and outs of a tasting menu. We, the audience are never let in on the hallowed rules of such a menu. He finally gets fed up with the dessert cowardice, and volunteers to switch with someone on the fourth course. He manages to pull Saram and Camille into his team, and after the shuffle, Casey is now on a team with Howie and Albuquerque Joey, who you'll remember aren't the best of friends. She's aggravated by this turn of events. After escaping the dessert team, Hung wonders why they have to do dessert at all, since it was never specified in the challenge instructions.
The new team for the first course is Brian, Hung, and Lia. Brian likes being on a team with people as "passionate as myself [sic]". OK, I promise not to harp on it all season, but I have to get my seasonal jibe in at the "myself" crap. The third course will be CJ, Tre, and Saran. Saran thinks their personalities will mesh very well. As we know, Dale, Saram, and Camille are attempting the dessert (i.e., fourth) course. They discuss ideas. Camille actually gets a few precious seconds of screentime, as she interviews that she's not in her comfort zone, since she doesn't have a recipe to work off of. She thinks she's done enough baking to get through the challenge. Back on the second course, Casey, Howie, and San Diego Joey are clashing a lot more than the other groups. Wow, who could have predicted that? Howie notes how odd it is to have to work with people that you're trying to beat. I get being competitive, but surely he recognizes the usefulness of temporary alliances, right? He's never played Risk before?
Commercials. I don't see the point of advertising the gas mileage of your truck if said mileage is going to be that unimpressive.
Back at Chef's Manor, the teams reconvene to talk over more ideas. Guess which team has trouble with that. Go on. Yes, while Casey contentedly munches on a sandwich, Howie and Philadelphia Joey are getting over their dislike of each other to bond over their disdain of her. Fargo Joey goes inside to ask Casey to come out and talk over their food for the challenge, but she has the gall to want to finish eating before getting back to work. God, what a bitch! Her teammates construe this as her not caring about the challenge's outcome, since she's got immunity. OK, so once she comes outside and gets into a discussion of what they're going to make, all is well, right? Don't be silly. No, her talking about ideas for the challenge is construed as taking too much of a leadership role. Howie thinks someone with immunity should just take a backseat and not make waves. Coming from anyone else, this would be fine. From the guy who may as well have a string in his back that causes him to say "This is a competition! I'm here to win, not make friends!" every time you pull it, it's not as fine. You don't get to be ultra-competitive, then whine that your competitors aren't doing enough for you. This team's a mess.
Night falls. Camille enjoys the hot tub. And...scene! The next morning, the chefs get half an hour and $150 to shop for supplies. Lia thinks that $150 is really not that much to create a "fine dining" sort of menu. Saran agrees that everyone is stressed out over the budget. Hung runs around, as usual. He, Brian, and Lia find that the scallops they were going to buy are frozen solid, so they opt for shrimp, instead. Casey, Howie, and Houston Joey find that duck is expensive, so they opt for tuna, instead. The beef for CJ, Tre, and Saran is pricey as well, so they buy the smallest cut they can. Dale, Saram, and Camille are going to base their dessert trio around pineapple. Multiple teams probably have to put things back once they reach the register, but we're only shown Team Tunaville, as they're forced to part with various ingredients to make the budget.
We cut straight to that evening, as the chefs file into the restaurant where they'll be preparing the meal. Lia wants to get started right away, since Team Shrimpsalot will be serving first. Brian doesn't have a lot of work to do, as his shrimp will served raw, and he describes the progression of Team Shrimpsalot's trio as increasingly strong flavors. Team Tunaville keeps on struggling, as Casey runs out of soy, and has to borrow more from Howie. She reminds herself that you'll probably always have to work with someone you don't like. Montpelier Joey interviews that although they're in teams, everyone's being judged on his or her individual dish, so he's concentrating on that. Team Beefy is going from light to robust flavors for their beef tenderloin trio. Saran thinks that everyone's really on edge for this challenge. Camille knows that Team Sweet-Tooth didn't have to make dessert, but that a four-course tasting menu usually includes such a course. Saram thinks they're making good progress, but says that they're all having some issues, due to their lack of experience in pastry-making. Dale interviews that he loves Camille, but that her cakes just aren't working out.
Ptom comes in to Ptimewaste. Team Shrimpsalot is doing fine. Team Beefy is doing fine. Team Sweet-Tooth admits that their experience is limited, and Dale says that it didn't make sense not to have dessert for such a menu. Ptom tells them that it sounds great. Team Tunaville can't seem to take two steps without something flaring up. Howie describes the trio to Ptom as a meld of Eastern and Western flavors. Ptom ascertains that Hattiesburg Joey's dish incorporates soy, then walks away. Somehow, Carson City Joey interprets this as Ptom thinking that there's no way his dish will work. I don't see how he arrived at that conclusion, but whatever. He just does what he does best, and starts pissing and moaning, whining that Ptom is always looking for a way to ruffle his feathers, and that he'll "fucking go home". Again, this is in response to a question about the use of soy. Nothing more. God, he's such a fucking baby. Casey is similarly disgusted, as she interviews that Albany Joey takes everything as a personal attack.
Twenty-eight minutes left. Tre offers some ingredient or other to Saran, who doesn't need it, but she thanks him, using the polite address "chef" (pretty much the same as "sir" or "ma'am" in the kitchen). Aw. Saram is working with powdered gelatin, which she's never used before. Her inexperience bites her in the ass, and whatever she's making will not solidify in time for service. She reverts to Plan B, which is to turn the mixture into a semifreddo. Team Shrimpsalot is all atwitter with getting their food plated.
Commercials. I think I'll go elsewhere for my ice cream if Cold Stone Creamery insists on filling their stores with their patrons' deepest nightmares.
The Pretentious Twat Dining Society comes in and gets seated. Their outfits are adorned with colored sashes, chains, and various medals, because they're JUST THAT CLASSY. One guy looks like Chip from Season 4 of The Amazing Race. So much so that I think it may actually be him. The judges are also there, of course. Nothing against Ted Allen, but is Gail ever coming back? Hung knows birds of a snobby feather, so he's really happy to serve such "elite" people.
Tiffany: "Eat a bag of dicks."
Padma introduces Barton G. Weiss, who owns the restaurant, and will serve as guest judge for the Elimination Challenge. The Pretentious Twats toast each other, and settle in for their meal. Team Shrimpsalot finishes plating with seconds to spare. Lia thinks she did well this time around. They take their plates out to serve. Their shrimp trio starts with Brian's raw pink shrimp in ceviche marinade, with radish and some caviar. Ooh, it's been a while since I've had caviar. It looks so good. Next is Lia's shrimp poached in olive oil, which is garnished with avocado, cucumber, candied lime, and a grilled Poblano pepper salad. That also looks good. Finally, Hung has sauteed shrimp with corn pudding, a bacon and corn salad, and shrimp foam. Aaah, not foam! Unpleasant flashbacks! After they go back to the kitchen, the diners dig in. Everyone seems to enjoy the trio, though Brian's may be a tad salty. Overall, Lia seems to have impressed everyone the most.
Team Tunaville still can't catch a break, as Casey is off doing whatever when it comes time to serve. Howie is disappointed in the team, and feels they could have accomplished more. They take their trio out to the diners. First is Casey's tuna tartare, accompanied by a bird's nest of cucumber and jalapeno. Howie has made coriander-crusted ahi tuna with blood orange marmalade, cilantro salad, and shiitake mushrooms. One of these days I'm going to make Top Chef bingo cards, and blood oranges are definitely going to be on one of those squares. They use them in everything! Hartford Joey has made a confit of tuna, with fire-roasted cherry tomatoes, shallots, and bacon. They retire to the kitchen. Howie's marmalade is apparently a bit strong, and Casey's dish may have worked on paper, but is weak in execution. Ptom points out to the Pretentious Twats that Casey has immunity, so even if she propels her team into the bottom, it's one of her teammates who will get the axe. Dramatic!
Team Beefy takes out their tenderloin trio. That beef looks perfectly cooked. Mmm. Tre is very happy with the team, and predicts that they may see the judges later as winners, and no way will they wind up in the loser bunch. Casey compliments their food as they take it out to the dining room. First in the beef trio is CJ's beef carpaccio with sherry vinaigrette, a "cigar tuile" made out of phyllo pastry, and some parsley oil. Saran has made butter-braised beef tenderloin with white truffle sauce. There's also some asparagus and carrots on the side. Tre has made a black pepper and rosemary-seared beef tenderloin with a sherry reduction, and there's also a mushroom risotto cake. I know Tre's not getting a lot of attention in this episode, but everything he's made sounds absolutely fantastic. Once they're gone, Padma compliments the beautiful presentation. Tre's food goes over very well, but one of the Pretentious Twats doesn't like Saran's, because it's like roast beef you could "get at Denny's". Yes, many is the evening I've stumbled into Denny's at three in the morning and gotten a heaping plate of filet mignon. Pretentious twat.
Team Sweet-Tooth plates up. Dale isn't happy with his presentation. Everything is a mess, and he says that although all the flavors were fine, he'd be better off serving his dish to a bunch of blind people. Camille is equally unimpressed with her own pineapple upside-down cake. She says it's a fair one, given the time constraints. Wilmington Joey makes fun of the dessert course, because he's been such a model of taste and professionalism tonight. He does have the grace to say that he respects Team Sweet-Tooth for taking such a chance by making dessert. A point to him for that. Dessert is served. First up is Saram's pineapple semifreddo with pistachio and ginger, and also some blueberry sauce and a pineapple reduction. I'm not sure if her idea turned out as well as she'd hoped, but those ingredients sound lovely. Dale has made a "free-form tropical tart".
Tiffany: "When I was in Key West, I was a free-form tropical tart, too."
Dale's tart is made of macadamia nut pastry with some hibiscus-marinated raspberry, vanilla coconut cream, and roasted pineapple. Camille has made a pretty sad-looking pineapple upside-down cake with a ginger sabayon (or zabaglione). The chefs head back to the kitchen. Dessert is not a hit. We get our first whine that the chefs didn't have to do dessert, but Ted seems to appreciate that they took a chance. Saram's semifreddo just tastes like frozen cream. Camille's cake is "hideous". MaybeChip calls it an English dessert, which is "dreadful". Nobody says anything about Dale's tart, so it was probably fine. Dale interviews that Team Sweet-Tooth put their asses on the line by doing dessert, and he's proud of himself for not doing a "tune tartare or a little seared piece of beef. That's the kind of shit we can do in our sleep." Hehe. I'm liking Dale more and more these days. He thinks the other teams played it safe, and hopes to get some points for risk-taking. Padma thanks the Pretentious Twats. Howie is worried about his chances. Blah blah Casey's immunity. Yep, it's been covered, thanks.
Commercials. Don Cheadle with a '60s fro. Yes, please!
Judges' Table. Padma reiterates that this was the first team challenge. Ptom thinks the chefs did a pretty good job, overall. He says that the teammates had to come to a consensus on what ingredient to focus on, taking the opportunity to give us another rousing whine about dessert. Ted also points out that nobody told these people they had to make dessert. OK, here's as good a place as any. Dear judges -- You may do one of the following two things, but not both:
1) Piss and moan that chefs are playing things too safely, not going out of their comfort zones, or are playing to stay in the game, rather than to win.
2) Shoot down a chef every time they try to do something different and aren't perfect at it, be it making a barbecue dish that wasn't cooked in the traditional method, creating a chicken a la king that's not reminiscent of its ancestor, or attempting to make a dessert when that's not the chef's forte.
PICK ONE. I can't count the number of episodes that Ptom rumbles on and on about people playing it too safely. And then, when Team Sweet-Tooth takes him at his word, and tries to accomplish something difficult, they're practically ridiculed. If dessert was truly heinous and inedible, that'd be one thing. I'm all for taking contestants to task for bad cooking. But this is more a matter of attitude. Ptom's eyes practically rolled out of his head when he mentioned Team Sweet-Tooth's pineapple. He honestly appears to be thinking "What could have possessed them to cook something they're not experts at?". And I have no proof of this, but I'm convinced that had nobody tried to make dessert, we'd be sitting at Judges' Table, listening to a disappointed dad lecture about how underwhelming and safe everybody's dishes were. This season has been pretty good so far, but its worst flaw is this arbitrary and hypocritical judging.
So anyway, nobody liked dessert. The shrimp course was far more popular. Barton thinks Hung's tasted fine, but looked a little off, including that damn foam. Ted says that he liked the foam, and that it brought a lushness to the dish. Lia's reviews aren't as mixed. Everyone liked hers. Brian's could have used a little bit more contrast, but was good as well. In fact, the entire shrimp course was "poetic". It's agreed upon as the favorite of the evening. Padma goes back to the Kitchen and summons Team Shrimpsalot to the table. They're told they are the winning team. Brian mentions how the team was originally going to work with scallops, but that they jumped to shrimp. All three of the team members are given glowing reviews. Barton gets to announce the individual winner, which is Lia. She grins. As a prize, she gets to go work at a charity event.
Tim: "Next week, the winner gets to come over and mow our lawn."
Lia is very pleased with her win, but isn't allowed to savor it much, as Padma sends Team Shrimpsalot back to the Kitchen to call the loser teams to the table. Unsurprisingly, it's Team Tunaville and Team Sweet-Tooth. There's no odd Asian music to herald their arrival this week, but I'm happy that the traditional gong is still present. The judges start with Team Sweet-Tooth. Ptom says that all three desserts were pretty bad. Padma asks if the chefs collectively felt that there should be a dessert course. I can't tell if she means collectively among these three people or collectively among the entire group of chefs. Dale answers that you can't have a tasting menu without dessert, and cops to the initial idea of using pineapple. Ted tells him that they jumped on a really big sword, and Dale replies that if they had shown that they were more versatile chefs by making pastry, they'd have a leg up on the competition. "Very big if," Ptom sniffs. Ass. Barton tells them the flavors and textures were off. See, if they had just stuck to saying things like that, I'd be perfectly happy. Saram talks about her issues with the powdered gelatin. Insert seemingly endless loop about "taking chances" and all the same blather we've already endured about the chefs' lack of experience with dessert. Camille is asked about her cake, which the judges thought was rubbery. Ew, really? Camille semi-disagrees, saying that she thought her cake was fine, as it came out with a consistency similar to that of a muffin. Ptom jumps in with even more "Why did you do something that you're not that familiar with?", and OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
LabRat: "Camille is a three-legged zebra in a room full of lions."
Thankfully, we can move on to Team Tunaville. Ptom asks about the lack of cohesion in the team. Howie says that they had to change their main item, because duck was too heavy for a four-course meal. What the hell does that have to do with cohesion as a team? Both he and Seattle Joey think they did fairly well, if not great. Ptom "cuts to the chase", and tells them that they're there because Casey's dish was so weak. How fortuitous that the chef with immunity is responsible for dragging her team to the losers' table! That doesn't sound contrived at all! She's asked if she put forth her best effort, and says she did. She does admit that when she ran out of soy, she completely forgot to add regular salt, and thus underseasoned the tuna. Ted also tells her there were some consistency issues.
Neither of the other two tasted Casey's dish until after it had been served, and Padma snipes that they should have, since she had immunity. So she thinks someone should have been making sure Casey wasn't being lazy or intentionally making something crappy, I guess. Howie says that he took a "leap of faith" in that he assumed his teammates could handle their own dishes. Casey's eyes are already brimming with tears. Ptom twists the knife a little, telling the guys on Team Tunaville that he doesn't know why they're not tasting each other's food, as there's a "50/50 chance" that one of them is going home. Except that there are 5 people up for elimination, so really they each have a 20% chance of getting cut. Maybe you should nail down that basic math before smarming off, Ptom. Heh, you can always tell when I'm pissed off at him; I get really pedantic about minutiae. Casey pipes up about the "guilt blanket" the judges have laid on her. Hah! Nice! She says that she really likes the others, and that immunity really isn't worth it if someone gets eliminated due to her dish's failing. Not that she does anything so stupid as to give it up. Well played, Casey. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, she tells the others that she'd be eliminated if she were eligible, and she starts to cry again as she heartily apologizes to Howie and Jackson Joey for putting them in this position. Aw. I hope they feel bad about all that talk earlier about how Casey didn't care how the team did, due to her precious immunity. Deliberations. It's a rehash of all the criticisms we've heard already. The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. I'm all for new technology, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to own a phone on which historical figures can reach you from beyond the grave.
Elimination. That's quite some skirt Saram's working under her apron. This seems to be becoming the point in the show that Ptom tries out a crappy Pun of the Week that my dad would dismiss as too corny. This week, it's about how the challenge was to "create harmonies", but that the chefs were "playing the wrong instruments". Wow, good one. Blah blah people should have tasted each other's tuna. Yikes, I swear I didn't mean that as dirty as it sounded. Blah blah inexperience with dessert. He points out to Dale that he convinced others to go along with the dessert idea, so he's the "bandleader". Um, you mean ringleader? Unless you're still trying to ride that "harmony" pun. In which case...stop. Dale looks like he's about to cry. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chopping. Camille. Please pack your knives and go. Huh. That's interesting, because with all the bullshit the judges have been indulging in tonight, this is probably the correct choice. They seemed to genuinely hate the taste of Camille's cake, and lackluster food should be pretty much the sole reason (short of being completely incapable of interaction with other humans) to get eliminated on this show.
Camille isn't very affected by her elimination. She says she's sad (though she doesn't appear to be) about getting cut, but is excited (though she doesn't appear to be) about getting back to work at home. Maybe that's why she never got any screentime; she's so normal and mild. She warmly bids the rest of the chefs good-bye. Saram is openly weeping, Casey is horror-struck, Dale is guilt-ridden, and I think I even see a tear in Frankfort Joey's eye. Aw, that's sweet. She closes by talking about how much she's learned and how much fun she had. Camille wasn't very compelling television. That probably means she's a completely awesome person in real life. I wish her the best.
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were asked to update old-fashioned favorites for the judges, who embraced the "old-fashioned" part of the challenge by acting like cranky old codgers for the entire episode. Howie and Dale managed to score some points, but CJ's idea didn't work out, Lia didn't put enough effort into her food, and Saram... Didn't really do anything that wrong, but got chewed out anyway. Micah, despite living in every single country in the world, couldn't figure out how to make a serviceable meatloaf, and she was sent on her way. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Everyone really went all out this week. Except me. I just bought wine. But really tasty wine! LabRat made Parmesan chicken drumsticks, while Timiffany got experimental with pineapple/ham quesadillas, mango/kiwi salsa, and an odd concoction of kiwi/peanut butter tortilla rolls with whipped cream. They actually weren't half-bad, though I may have been the only one to think so. Toss in some aged cheddar blocks and summer sausage, and we were all stuffed and happy.
Morning at Chef's Manor. ONCE AGAIN, we're told how much it feels more like a competition once someone gets eliminated. Chefs get prepared for their day. Lia interviews that she's one of the younger competitors, but has the drive to win. Howie hopes the others have a new perception of him, now that he's actually won a challenge instead of flailing at the bottom. He's a little reluctant to give up his underdog status, but seems to be in a much better mood. The chefs give a little cheer, and head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where Padma and a well-dressed man await. There are tables set up with several different cocktails in martini glasses. I hope it's not too early. I like to drink, too, but I do not need to be knocking back rum at nine in the morning. Dale gets excited for the challenge, because his last consulting gig was "mixology" and food-pairing. Ah, "mixology". When I first ran across this hideous term, it simply meant "bartender". I guess people with insecurity issues needed to make their jobs sound more important. But now, "mixology" has taken on new life. Just as wine stewards have taken to calling themselves sommeliers, "mixologists" fancy themselves experts at pairing certain types of mixed drinks with certain types of food. It's not a bad idea in general, but that insecurity (along with a fair amount of pretention and arrogance) kicked back in, so "mixologists" try to sell the idea that it takes a highly sophisticated palate to suggest an appletini to someone eating pork or whatever. Casey is nervous, knowing her wines, but being less experienced with cocktails.
Padma introduces the Quickfire's guest judge, Jamie Walker. He's the "global master mixologist" for the gin company that sponsors Top Chef. See what I mean about the pretention? "Global master"? He makes drinks with gin in them. Speaking of which, he's made a wide array of drinks for today's challenge. The chefs will need to create an appetizer to pair with the cocktail that they get. They'll choose cocktails by drawing knives. Jamie tells them how important it is to balance flavors, then dutifully recites his product placement script. The chefs pull their knives, and Padma gives them thirty minutes to taste their drinks and whip up an appetizer. Get going, scrubs!
Hung, you'll be surprised to hear, runs around like a gazelle. Everyone picks up their drinks, and sips at them daintily. Dale got a glass of sherry, which is pure alcohol, so he wants to make something that will cut through that flavor. He chooses foie gras, which causes a few noses to wrinkle at the viewing party, but which I love. Yay, liver! Camille has gotten a chocolate mint martini, and she thinks the sweetness may give her some problems as far as pairing food with it. Dallas Joey has a roasted pineapple and vanilla martini, which he enjoys mightily. Casey, on the other hand, has pulled a strawberry balsamic rickey, and doesn't even know what that is, exactly. Being an inquisitive sort, I spent thirty full seconds researching it on the web. No, no, don't thank me. The warmth from the fact that I've spread knowledge through the world is just reward for my sacrifice. Most of the rickeys I came across are a combination of lime juice, gin, and carbonated water. Rickeys with other ingredients all seem to branch off of that one. I didn't see any reference to strawberries, so maybe this is breaking new ground in the field of "mixology". Exciting! Not having any experience to draw from, Casey's brain frantically cross-references strawberries with everything else in creation, and comes up with the idea to make a kind of French toast as her appetizer.
Hung disdains the challenge, because hard alcohol doesn't go with the "fine, elegant, refined" food that he cooks. Says the guy who works in a casino. The pretentious twat alarm goes off for the second time this episode, and we're not even through the Quickfire yet. Hang on, I've got to go add Pretentious Twats to the Awesome Band Name list. OK, done. Actually, I kind of feel Hung on this one (hehe -- I said "feel Hung"), because he drew the raspberry and mint martini, which I've got to admit is pretty damn froufrou. His appetizer has a cream sauce of some kind, and he interviews that "sweetness always goes with creaminess". More on this in a second. Time runs short, and everyone goes into their usual hyperdrive mode. The chefs plate up, and time runs out.
Padma and Jamie go down the line. Wichita Joey has made a caramelized diver sea scallop and some jasmine rice risotto to go with his pineapple/vanilla martini. This year's contestants really like their scallops, don't they? Jamie likes, but doesn't love it. Howie has made some very pretty balsamic-glazed diver scallops (see?) and topped them with arugula, blueberries, and grapes (to go with a watermelon/chili martini). Jamie enjoys it. Hung has paired his raspberry mint martini with salmon and salmon skin, with a sour cream and lemon balsamic sauce on the side. Sounds tasty, although... Well, we'll still get to it in a second. Jamie finds the drink too sweet for the dish. Moving on, he notes that CJ is tall. Can't slip anything by the "global master"! CJ's drink was the lemon bomb, and he's paired it with caramelized watermelon, grilled avocado, and squid. I'm not sure how I feel about caramelized watermelon, but it looks good, overall. Jamie thinks the drink calls for richer, bolder flavors.
Dale has paired his sherry with seared foie gras, candied parsnips, oranges, and rice wine vinegar gastrique. After tasting it, Jamie says he knows it'll work well with the drink even before sipping it. He sips, then agrees with himself. Tre has the strawberry basil martini, and has made sumac and black pepper halibut with smoked sea salt and watermelon. I didn't know people could cook with sumac. At any rate, it looks really, really good. Jamie seems to agree. Casey has followed through on her French toast idea, and made it with a baguette. She's also made pecan-crusted foie gras and a raspberry sauce. Hmm. Foie gras and raspberry? Jamie says that it works very well.
Decision time. Padma asks for the bad news first. Minneapolis Joey's flavors were too robust and heavy -- almost clumsy. Hung's flavors were "muddled", and he would have done better to work with "richer, stronger" flavors. "So sweetness didn't go good [sic] with creaminess? Thank you," Hung says mildly. Then, in interview, Hung says that Jamie was just confused, so he "called [Jamie] out". OK, now we can settle in for a minute. First of all, "called him out"? Hung's response to Jamie was so meek, he's about to inherit the Earth. He barely asked for a clarification, let alone issue some sort of challenge. But the real issue here is that yet again, Hung has decided that because someone didn't like his preparation, they must be a complete nimrod. As I said, Hung's Quickfire entry sounded pretty tasty. If it had been on its own. But salmon, sour cream, and raspberry mint liquor? Eeeeew. Does he seriously think that all creamy textures go with all sweet flavors? Macaroni and cheese with a Hershey's bar? A cup of blueberry yogurt with peanut butter cookies? Sorry you're not the golden boy in every challenge, Hung, but perhaps you could get over yourself just a wee bit.
There's a lingering shot of CJ, so perhaps he's the third person in the bottom, but we never hear a word about it. On to the good news. Casey worked well with her "botanical" flavors. Tre's looked too light at first, but worked really well with the drink. Finally, Dale had a difficult drink to work with, and handled the balance deftly. Jamie gives a proper dramatic pause before announcing the winner of the challenge -- Casey. The other chefs applaud. They're certainly more polite than last season's batch of self-entitled, whiny losers. Not that I'm still bitter. Casey snags immunity for her win, so she's settled safely for the rest of the episode. She interviews about how happy she is to have won, and we get an inkling of why she wears so many headbands and hair scarves. When Casey's hair isn't pulled back, the effect is just a little bit soccer-mom-at-the-mall. I'm just happy she doesn't drone on about how she's still going to give it her all in the Elimination Challenge.
Speaking of which, here it is. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be dividing themselves into teams of three. Each team will create one course of a four-course tasting menu. Each course must be a trio based around a single ingredient. Hey, good challenge. Lia interviews that it's been all individual challenges up to now, and nobody knows what people will be like once they're forced into a group. Oh, I'd wager that some of these folks don't play well with others. The chefs will have two hours to cook at a local restaurant, and the meal will be served to ten members of the Pretentious Twat Dining Society. As an added cruel (and thus welcome) twist, the chefs aren't assigned teams, but have ten minutes to pick them for themselves. Brian suggests just putting everyone's name into a hat and drawing for teams. Aw, nobody's getting picked last at this kickball game. The initial idea is that the first three people drawn are a team, and will have the first course. It turns out to be Camille, Brian, and Lia. The next bunch is Howie, Dale, and Casey.
That's all we see for now, and people try to decide what they're going to make. It becomes a clusterfuck, as multiple teams want to take on a fish course. As with every other person in the history of this show (except Marisa, God bless her entertaining incompetence), nobody wants to even get near dessert. Dale points out in interview (freshly shaven) that nobody really knew the ins and outs of a tasting menu. We, the audience are never let in on the hallowed rules of such a menu. He finally gets fed up with the dessert cowardice, and volunteers to switch with someone on the fourth course. He manages to pull Saram and Camille into his team, and after the shuffle, Casey is now on a team with Howie and Albuquerque Joey, who you'll remember aren't the best of friends. She's aggravated by this turn of events. After escaping the dessert team, Hung wonders why they have to do dessert at all, since it was never specified in the challenge instructions.
The new team for the first course is Brian, Hung, and Lia. Brian likes being on a team with people as "passionate as myself [sic]". OK, I promise not to harp on it all season, but I have to get my seasonal jibe in at the "myself" crap. The third course will be CJ, Tre, and Saran. Saran thinks their personalities will mesh very well. As we know, Dale, Saram, and Camille are attempting the dessert (i.e., fourth) course. They discuss ideas. Camille actually gets a few precious seconds of screentime, as she interviews that she's not in her comfort zone, since she doesn't have a recipe to work off of. She thinks she's done enough baking to get through the challenge. Back on the second course, Casey, Howie, and San Diego Joey are clashing a lot more than the other groups. Wow, who could have predicted that? Howie notes how odd it is to have to work with people that you're trying to beat. I get being competitive, but surely he recognizes the usefulness of temporary alliances, right? He's never played Risk before?
Commercials. I don't see the point of advertising the gas mileage of your truck if said mileage is going to be that unimpressive.
Back at Chef's Manor, the teams reconvene to talk over more ideas. Guess which team has trouble with that. Go on. Yes, while Casey contentedly munches on a sandwich, Howie and Philadelphia Joey are getting over their dislike of each other to bond over their disdain of her. Fargo Joey goes inside to ask Casey to come out and talk over their food for the challenge, but she has the gall to want to finish eating before getting back to work. God, what a bitch! Her teammates construe this as her not caring about the challenge's outcome, since she's got immunity. OK, so once she comes outside and gets into a discussion of what they're going to make, all is well, right? Don't be silly. No, her talking about ideas for the challenge is construed as taking too much of a leadership role. Howie thinks someone with immunity should just take a backseat and not make waves. Coming from anyone else, this would be fine. From the guy who may as well have a string in his back that causes him to say "This is a competition! I'm here to win, not make friends!" every time you pull it, it's not as fine. You don't get to be ultra-competitive, then whine that your competitors aren't doing enough for you. This team's a mess.
Night falls. Camille enjoys the hot tub. And...scene! The next morning, the chefs get half an hour and $150 to shop for supplies. Lia thinks that $150 is really not that much to create a "fine dining" sort of menu. Saran agrees that everyone is stressed out over the budget. Hung runs around, as usual. He, Brian, and Lia find that the scallops they were going to buy are frozen solid, so they opt for shrimp, instead. Casey, Howie, and Houston Joey find that duck is expensive, so they opt for tuna, instead. The beef for CJ, Tre, and Saran is pricey as well, so they buy the smallest cut they can. Dale, Saram, and Camille are going to base their dessert trio around pineapple. Multiple teams probably have to put things back once they reach the register, but we're only shown Team Tunaville, as they're forced to part with various ingredients to make the budget.
We cut straight to that evening, as the chefs file into the restaurant where they'll be preparing the meal. Lia wants to get started right away, since Team Shrimpsalot will be serving first. Brian doesn't have a lot of work to do, as his shrimp will served raw, and he describes the progression of Team Shrimpsalot's trio as increasingly strong flavors. Team Tunaville keeps on struggling, as Casey runs out of soy, and has to borrow more from Howie. She reminds herself that you'll probably always have to work with someone you don't like. Montpelier Joey interviews that although they're in teams, everyone's being judged on his or her individual dish, so he's concentrating on that. Team Beefy is going from light to robust flavors for their beef tenderloin trio. Saran thinks that everyone's really on edge for this challenge. Camille knows that Team Sweet-Tooth didn't have to make dessert, but that a four-course tasting menu usually includes such a course. Saram thinks they're making good progress, but says that they're all having some issues, due to their lack of experience in pastry-making. Dale interviews that he loves Camille, but that her cakes just aren't working out.
Ptom comes in to Ptimewaste. Team Shrimpsalot is doing fine. Team Beefy is doing fine. Team Sweet-Tooth admits that their experience is limited, and Dale says that it didn't make sense not to have dessert for such a menu. Ptom tells them that it sounds great. Team Tunaville can't seem to take two steps without something flaring up. Howie describes the trio to Ptom as a meld of Eastern and Western flavors. Ptom ascertains that Hattiesburg Joey's dish incorporates soy, then walks away. Somehow, Carson City Joey interprets this as Ptom thinking that there's no way his dish will work. I don't see how he arrived at that conclusion, but whatever. He just does what he does best, and starts pissing and moaning, whining that Ptom is always looking for a way to ruffle his feathers, and that he'll "fucking go home". Again, this is in response to a question about the use of soy. Nothing more. God, he's such a fucking baby. Casey is similarly disgusted, as she interviews that Albany Joey takes everything as a personal attack.
Twenty-eight minutes left. Tre offers some ingredient or other to Saran, who doesn't need it, but she thanks him, using the polite address "chef" (pretty much the same as "sir" or "ma'am" in the kitchen). Aw. Saram is working with powdered gelatin, which she's never used before. Her inexperience bites her in the ass, and whatever she's making will not solidify in time for service. She reverts to Plan B, which is to turn the mixture into a semifreddo. Team Shrimpsalot is all atwitter with getting their food plated.
Commercials. I think I'll go elsewhere for my ice cream if Cold Stone Creamery insists on filling their stores with their patrons' deepest nightmares.
The Pretentious Twat Dining Society comes in and gets seated. Their outfits are adorned with colored sashes, chains, and various medals, because they're JUST THAT CLASSY. One guy looks like Chip from Season 4 of The Amazing Race. So much so that I think it may actually be him. The judges are also there, of course. Nothing against Ted Allen, but is Gail ever coming back? Hung knows birds of a snobby feather, so he's really happy to serve such "elite" people.
Tiffany: "Eat a bag of dicks."
Padma introduces Barton G. Weiss, who owns the restaurant, and will serve as guest judge for the Elimination Challenge. The Pretentious Twats toast each other, and settle in for their meal. Team Shrimpsalot finishes plating with seconds to spare. Lia thinks she did well this time around. They take their plates out to serve. Their shrimp trio starts with Brian's raw pink shrimp in ceviche marinade, with radish and some caviar. Ooh, it's been a while since I've had caviar. It looks so good. Next is Lia's shrimp poached in olive oil, which is garnished with avocado, cucumber, candied lime, and a grilled Poblano pepper salad. That also looks good. Finally, Hung has sauteed shrimp with corn pudding, a bacon and corn salad, and shrimp foam. Aaah, not foam! Unpleasant flashbacks! After they go back to the kitchen, the diners dig in. Everyone seems to enjoy the trio, though Brian's may be a tad salty. Overall, Lia seems to have impressed everyone the most.
Team Tunaville still can't catch a break, as Casey is off doing whatever when it comes time to serve. Howie is disappointed in the team, and feels they could have accomplished more. They take their trio out to the diners. First is Casey's tuna tartare, accompanied by a bird's nest of cucumber and jalapeno. Howie has made coriander-crusted ahi tuna with blood orange marmalade, cilantro salad, and shiitake mushrooms. One of these days I'm going to make Top Chef bingo cards, and blood oranges are definitely going to be on one of those squares. They use them in everything! Hartford Joey has made a confit of tuna, with fire-roasted cherry tomatoes, shallots, and bacon. They retire to the kitchen. Howie's marmalade is apparently a bit strong, and Casey's dish may have worked on paper, but is weak in execution. Ptom points out to the Pretentious Twats that Casey has immunity, so even if she propels her team into the bottom, it's one of her teammates who will get the axe. Dramatic!
Team Beefy takes out their tenderloin trio. That beef looks perfectly cooked. Mmm. Tre is very happy with the team, and predicts that they may see the judges later as winners, and no way will they wind up in the loser bunch. Casey compliments their food as they take it out to the dining room. First in the beef trio is CJ's beef carpaccio with sherry vinaigrette, a "cigar tuile" made out of phyllo pastry, and some parsley oil. Saran has made butter-braised beef tenderloin with white truffle sauce. There's also some asparagus and carrots on the side. Tre has made a black pepper and rosemary-seared beef tenderloin with a sherry reduction, and there's also a mushroom risotto cake. I know Tre's not getting a lot of attention in this episode, but everything he's made sounds absolutely fantastic. Once they're gone, Padma compliments the beautiful presentation. Tre's food goes over very well, but one of the Pretentious Twats doesn't like Saran's, because it's like roast beef you could "get at Denny's". Yes, many is the evening I've stumbled into Denny's at three in the morning and gotten a heaping plate of filet mignon. Pretentious twat.
Team Sweet-Tooth plates up. Dale isn't happy with his presentation. Everything is a mess, and he says that although all the flavors were fine, he'd be better off serving his dish to a bunch of blind people. Camille is equally unimpressed with her own pineapple upside-down cake. She says it's a fair one, given the time constraints. Wilmington Joey makes fun of the dessert course, because he's been such a model of taste and professionalism tonight. He does have the grace to say that he respects Team Sweet-Tooth for taking such a chance by making dessert. A point to him for that. Dessert is served. First up is Saram's pineapple semifreddo with pistachio and ginger, and also some blueberry sauce and a pineapple reduction. I'm not sure if her idea turned out as well as she'd hoped, but those ingredients sound lovely. Dale has made a "free-form tropical tart".
Tiffany: "When I was in Key West, I was a free-form tropical tart, too."
Dale's tart is made of macadamia nut pastry with some hibiscus-marinated raspberry, vanilla coconut cream, and roasted pineapple. Camille has made a pretty sad-looking pineapple upside-down cake with a ginger sabayon (or zabaglione). The chefs head back to the kitchen. Dessert is not a hit. We get our first whine that the chefs didn't have to do dessert, but Ted seems to appreciate that they took a chance. Saram's semifreddo just tastes like frozen cream. Camille's cake is "hideous". MaybeChip calls it an English dessert, which is "dreadful". Nobody says anything about Dale's tart, so it was probably fine. Dale interviews that Team Sweet-Tooth put their asses on the line by doing dessert, and he's proud of himself for not doing a "tune tartare or a little seared piece of beef. That's the kind of shit we can do in our sleep." Hehe. I'm liking Dale more and more these days. He thinks the other teams played it safe, and hopes to get some points for risk-taking. Padma thanks the Pretentious Twats. Howie is worried about his chances. Blah blah Casey's immunity. Yep, it's been covered, thanks.
Commercials. Don Cheadle with a '60s fro. Yes, please!
Judges' Table. Padma reiterates that this was the first team challenge. Ptom thinks the chefs did a pretty good job, overall. He says that the teammates had to come to a consensus on what ingredient to focus on, taking the opportunity to give us another rousing whine about dessert. Ted also points out that nobody told these people they had to make dessert. OK, here's as good a place as any. Dear judges -- You may do one of the following two things, but not both:
1) Piss and moan that chefs are playing things too safely, not going out of their comfort zones, or are playing to stay in the game, rather than to win.
2) Shoot down a chef every time they try to do something different and aren't perfect at it, be it making a barbecue dish that wasn't cooked in the traditional method, creating a chicken a la king that's not reminiscent of its ancestor, or attempting to make a dessert when that's not the chef's forte.
PICK ONE. I can't count the number of episodes that Ptom rumbles on and on about people playing it too safely. And then, when Team Sweet-Tooth takes him at his word, and tries to accomplish something difficult, they're practically ridiculed. If dessert was truly heinous and inedible, that'd be one thing. I'm all for taking contestants to task for bad cooking. But this is more a matter of attitude. Ptom's eyes practically rolled out of his head when he mentioned Team Sweet-Tooth's pineapple. He honestly appears to be thinking "What could have possessed them to cook something they're not experts at?". And I have no proof of this, but I'm convinced that had nobody tried to make dessert, we'd be sitting at Judges' Table, listening to a disappointed dad lecture about how underwhelming and safe everybody's dishes were. This season has been pretty good so far, but its worst flaw is this arbitrary and hypocritical judging.
So anyway, nobody liked dessert. The shrimp course was far more popular. Barton thinks Hung's tasted fine, but looked a little off, including that damn foam. Ted says that he liked the foam, and that it brought a lushness to the dish. Lia's reviews aren't as mixed. Everyone liked hers. Brian's could have used a little bit more contrast, but was good as well. In fact, the entire shrimp course was "poetic". It's agreed upon as the favorite of the evening. Padma goes back to the Kitchen and summons Team Shrimpsalot to the table. They're told they are the winning team. Brian mentions how the team was originally going to work with scallops, but that they jumped to shrimp. All three of the team members are given glowing reviews. Barton gets to announce the individual winner, which is Lia. She grins. As a prize, she gets to go work at a charity event.
Tim: "Next week, the winner gets to come over and mow our lawn."
Lia is very pleased with her win, but isn't allowed to savor it much, as Padma sends Team Shrimpsalot back to the Kitchen to call the loser teams to the table. Unsurprisingly, it's Team Tunaville and Team Sweet-Tooth. There's no odd Asian music to herald their arrival this week, but I'm happy that the traditional gong is still present. The judges start with Team Sweet-Tooth. Ptom says that all three desserts were pretty bad. Padma asks if the chefs collectively felt that there should be a dessert course. I can't tell if she means collectively among these three people or collectively among the entire group of chefs. Dale answers that you can't have a tasting menu without dessert, and cops to the initial idea of using pineapple. Ted tells him that they jumped on a really big sword, and Dale replies that if they had shown that they were more versatile chefs by making pastry, they'd have a leg up on the competition. "Very big if," Ptom sniffs. Ass. Barton tells them the flavors and textures were off. See, if they had just stuck to saying things like that, I'd be perfectly happy. Saram talks about her issues with the powdered gelatin. Insert seemingly endless loop about "taking chances" and all the same blather we've already endured about the chefs' lack of experience with dessert. Camille is asked about her cake, which the judges thought was rubbery. Ew, really? Camille semi-disagrees, saying that she thought her cake was fine, as it came out with a consistency similar to that of a muffin. Ptom jumps in with even more "Why did you do something that you're not that familiar with?", and OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
LabRat: "Camille is a three-legged zebra in a room full of lions."
Thankfully, we can move on to Team Tunaville. Ptom asks about the lack of cohesion in the team. Howie says that they had to change their main item, because duck was too heavy for a four-course meal. What the hell does that have to do with cohesion as a team? Both he and Seattle Joey think they did fairly well, if not great. Ptom "cuts to the chase", and tells them that they're there because Casey's dish was so weak. How fortuitous that the chef with immunity is responsible for dragging her team to the losers' table! That doesn't sound contrived at all! She's asked if she put forth her best effort, and says she did. She does admit that when she ran out of soy, she completely forgot to add regular salt, and thus underseasoned the tuna. Ted also tells her there were some consistency issues.
Neither of the other two tasted Casey's dish until after it had been served, and Padma snipes that they should have, since she had immunity. So she thinks someone should have been making sure Casey wasn't being lazy or intentionally making something crappy, I guess. Howie says that he took a "leap of faith" in that he assumed his teammates could handle their own dishes. Casey's eyes are already brimming with tears. Ptom twists the knife a little, telling the guys on Team Tunaville that he doesn't know why they're not tasting each other's food, as there's a "50/50 chance" that one of them is going home. Except that there are 5 people up for elimination, so really they each have a 20% chance of getting cut. Maybe you should nail down that basic math before smarming off, Ptom. Heh, you can always tell when I'm pissed off at him; I get really pedantic about minutiae. Casey pipes up about the "guilt blanket" the judges have laid on her. Hah! Nice! She says that she really likes the others, and that immunity really isn't worth it if someone gets eliminated due to her dish's failing. Not that she does anything so stupid as to give it up. Well played, Casey. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, she tells the others that she'd be eliminated if she were eligible, and she starts to cry again as she heartily apologizes to Howie and Jackson Joey for putting them in this position. Aw. I hope they feel bad about all that talk earlier about how Casey didn't care how the team did, due to her precious immunity. Deliberations. It's a rehash of all the criticisms we've heard already. The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. I'm all for new technology, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to own a phone on which historical figures can reach you from beyond the grave.
Elimination. That's quite some skirt Saram's working under her apron. This seems to be becoming the point in the show that Ptom tries out a crappy Pun of the Week that my dad would dismiss as too corny. This week, it's about how the challenge was to "create harmonies", but that the chefs were "playing the wrong instruments". Wow, good one. Blah blah people should have tasted each other's tuna. Yikes, I swear I didn't mean that as dirty as it sounded. Blah blah inexperience with dessert. He points out to Dale that he convinced others to go along with the dessert idea, so he's the "bandleader". Um, you mean ringleader? Unless you're still trying to ride that "harmony" pun. In which case...stop. Dale looks like he's about to cry. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chopping. Camille. Please pack your knives and go. Huh. That's interesting, because with all the bullshit the judges have been indulging in tonight, this is probably the correct choice. They seemed to genuinely hate the taste of Camille's cake, and lackluster food should be pretty much the sole reason (short of being completely incapable of interaction with other humans) to get eliminated on this show.
Camille isn't very affected by her elimination. She says she's sad (though she doesn't appear to be) about getting cut, but is excited (though she doesn't appear to be) about getting back to work at home. Maybe that's why she never got any screentime; she's so normal and mild. She warmly bids the rest of the chefs good-bye. Saram is openly weeping, Casey is horror-struck, Dale is guilt-ridden, and I think I even see a tear in Frankfort Joey's eye. Aw, that's sweet. She closes by talking about how much she's learned and how much fun she had. Camille wasn't very compelling television. That probably means she's a completely awesome person in real life. I wish her the best.
Overall Grade: C+
Monday, July 02, 2007
Family Favorites
Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 3
Previously on Top Chef: Howie couldn't get his food plated in time and sunk to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. Then Howie served dry, boring pork and sunk to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. One wonders about all this "haven't cooked up to my potential" bluster. Cleveland Joey opined that Howie should be sent home, and the two of them became mortal enemies forever. Sandee tried to do something new and interesting with her barbecue dish, but unfortunately went so far afield that it wasn't barbecue anymore, and she got chopped. Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. This menu was due to be a picnic with the Card Night folks, but inclement weather drove us indoors. Aside from the bottle upon bottle of wine, there was Pinot grigio sausage, Italian pepperoni, forty-spice hummus (unfortunately, the label did not deign to tell us any of the forty), homemade pasta salad with some very zingy olives, smoked salmon/cream cheese spread, cracked pepper/olive oil crackers, and to round out the gourmet menu -- sea salt/vinegar Pringles. Hey, not everything has to be fancy.
Another sunny morning brings us to Chef's Manor. Various shirtless chefs awaken. Sandee has left a sweet little good-bye note for everyone. Lia interviews that the friendliness the chefs share has become strained and tense now that eliminations have started to happen. As much as I loathe the use of "I'm not here to make friends" to try and pawn off being an asshole, these guys aren't at sleepaway camp. Howie interviews essentially the same thing, in reference to his tiff with Topeka Joey, who says that they exchanged words, but he's over it, and ready to move on. Micah does pushups, which seems to be becoming a light motif for these opening scenes. She describes her erratic placements, from winning the first Quickfire to sinking to the bottom in the next one, then back up to the top for the second Elimination Challenge. She's not too worried about it, saying she came to America and started her business with $400, her daughter, and a dream. OK, she leaves the "dream" part out, but it's all very melting pot. The chefs wander out.
Quickfire Challenge. Padma meets everyone in the Kitchen and introduces this week's guest judge, Alfred Portale. He's from New York, so Pocatello Joey has obviously heard of him and his award-winning food. I'm sure he's a very accomplished chef and a wonderful person, so I feel a little mean for pointing out that he can't really get away with that size shirt anymore. Also, are those...plucked eyebrows? Yikes. A sheet covers the main ingredient for this week's Quickfire, and Padma whips it off dramatically. It's a tank full of live shellfish. Hung claps his hands and says "Yes!". He interviews that he's really good with seafood. Also good with seafood is Brian, who actually focuses on it for a living. He interviews that if he can't win this one, he'll get fired, and his whole world will dissolve. Don't tempt Fate, Brian. Look what happened with Tre, the barbecue "expert" from Texas. Each of the chefs will have thirty seconds to grab a net and scoop out as much shellfish as they want.
Hung's up first, and he runs at top speed to the tank, as if the fish are going to melt or something. He grabs the net out of Padma hand, gets up on a stepstool, and plunges the net into the water like he's spear fishing. Dale interviews about how off-putting Hung's aggression is. Saran chides him to leave some fish for the rest of them, but Lia's not worried. Hung empties his net into a metal bowl, and inadvertently drops a crawfish onto the ground. Everyone lets an "awwww" as it lays there helpless. CJ interviews that after the "poor" crawfish fell, Hung's "true colors" flew out. Hung abandons it, returning to the line of chefs. Everyone gasps like he's leaving behind his wounded dog. Lia tells him not to just leave it laying there, and Hung asks "What do you want me to do?". "I want you to clean up after yourself," she answers. Oh, so they're not upset that he mistreated the animal. They're upset that he's leaving debris strewn on the floor. OK, that makes more sense. Micah's next. She says she used to live in the Bahamas, so she's looking forward to working with conch. So she's from South Africa, lived in the Bahamas, and came to America from Italy. Is she on the lam or something? More chefs approach the tank. I wonder how the order was chosen. Saran thinks this is going to be a difficult challenge, especially because the net is so flimsy. Tre finds out how flimsy, as he only manages to net about eighteen pieces. He's nervous about what he can do with that. Eh, it's plenty for a Quickfire.
The chefs now have thirty minutes to create their seafood dishes. The countdown begins. Lia interviews that it's going to be difficult, because shellfish require shucking, cleaning, deveining, etc. Just getting it ready to cook can easily suck up a third of the time. Especially if one gets conch, as Dale describes. Getting conch meat out of the shell is tough and time-consuming, requiring some odd-looking contraptions. With only thirty minutes to cook, Dale says he doesn't have time to "dick around with a conch". Hahaha! I think dicking around with conch is illegal in fourteen states. I think the only ones even attempting to work with it are Saram and Micah. Saram easily uses that odd tool (almost like a larger version of a corkscrew) to get the conch meat out. Micah beats on the shell with everything but the Kitchen sink, but has significant issues getting to the meat. Saran interviews that Micah's "roller-coaster" of challenge placements is a sign of someone who's really inconsistent. Says the woman who joined Micah in both the bottom of the Quickfire last week and the top of the Elimination Challenge. Time to start polishing the panes in that glass house, Saran.
A crawfish makes a desperate bid for freedom. We don't see if he makes it, but I'm guessing not. Sweat drips off Howie's face. He's making a ceviche, which I swear someone makes on this show about every other challenge. He grinds the pepper mill as if there were diamonds inside. Brian is trying to keep it simple, saying the less you do with seafood, the better, because it already tastes phenomenal. I can get behind that argument. Hung disdains this, saying that everyone's just throwing seafood into white wine, which is simple and good, but that "my monkey can do that". Hung owns a monkey? There's a topic I'm not anxious to explore. Also, as with Saran, maybe Hung ought to watch the sneering over other people's excess simplicity, since he made a basic flank steak for the upscale barbecue last week. Time gets tight. People start plating. Sweat continues to drip off of Howie. Hopefully, not into his food. Padma and Alfred come in, and time runs out. Howie is nervous, because he didn't "re-taste" as much as he'd normally like. He thinks it'll either turn out great or be a total disaster.
Padma and Alfred go down the line. CJ has made pan-roasted "fruits de mer" (so...seafood with a huge, heaping portion of pretention) with shaved cauliflower, saffron paprika vinaigrette, prosciutto, and olives. Alfred likes the flavor. Casey has made linguini with scallops, mussels, and cockles, and has a cilantro bread with truffle butter on the side. Impressive. Alfred tells her that she was smart not to have used the conch. Significant shot of Micah. Tre has poached scallops in fish stock, butter, and chive oil, and paired it with a summer corn/grilled leek compote. I bet that'd be good. Well, it'd be good until I started projectile vomiting due to my scallop allergy, but it still looks tasty. Alfred looks unimpressed. We don't hear what Saran made, but hear that it's "nice". Micah has made conch salad, ceviche style (see?), with sour orange, and it's finished with "sky juice". Alfred calls the sky juice "an acquired taste". And what, since we're to focus on this concoction, is actually in sky juice? Don't be silly. They never tell us. Why would we, the viewers, have any need or wish to understand what the chefs are talking about or why they draw certain praise/criticism? Asses.
Brian has called his dish "Three Rivers", and his seafood is prepared in wine, butter, garlic, and chives. He wasn't kidding when he said he was going to keep it simple. Significant shot of Hung. Brian's also made an oyster mignionette, which is making me ravenously hungry, and conch toast, which we never even see a shot of. Alfred likes everything. Lia has paired raw scallops with figs and lemon zest (ew), some cockle with tomato water (ew), and capellini with crayfish (not ew). Saram has made cornmeal-crusted conch with citrus butter. There's also what I assume is an oyster mignionette with mango and cilantro on it. Alfred likes the flavor, but finds it a bit salty. Camille actually gets to tell us what she's made, which is crayfish and mussels in a hibiscus sauce, and tarragon-crusted mussels. Alfred asks where her flavors are coming from, and Camille says that she likes working with teas. Thud of Doom, as Alfred raises his eyebrows dismissively (which he's done an awful lot in the past few minutes, and which I wouldn't notice if they weren't so damn disturbing).
Hung calls his "East/West", and it's a curry made with the heads and bellies of scallops and mussels. He's made two large croutons to dip in the curry, and this is what Alfred finds fault with. It's not even the flavor of the croutons he doesn't like; it's the size and proportion to the curry. That's a pretty dumb criticism. I wonder if Alfred just doesn't like Hung after the whole "eh, I'll just leave the crawfish on the floor" thing. Hung manages to piss away any sympathy I had for him by interviewing that Alfred just didn't "understand the concept". Because award-winning chefs don't get the intensely complicated process of dipping bread into liquid dishes. We never hear what Concord Joey makes (though it gets a nod and a "very good"). Dale has made spicy Italian sausage with scallops and tomato sauce, then topped it with a sunny side up egg. Weird. Alfred enjoys it. Howie's ceviche has conch, scallops, crayfish, and mussels. It also includes plantains and mixed greens. Alfred calls it "very tasty" but an obvious choice to make with these flavors.
Padma asks for Alfred's least favorites. Micah's conch salad had little conch, and needed heat and seasoning. Camille's tea flavoring was overpowering. Tre could have used a lot more seafood and a lot less corn. Huh, guess I was wrong about Tre having caught plenty of shellfish. Now, to the three favorites. Howie's ceviche was intelligent and well-presented. Well, then what was all that noise about it being "obvious"? Alfred's beginning to rub me the wrong way. Brian's methods were simple, but smart. CJ's dish didn't look good at first, but the flavors were well-integrated. CJ makes a face like "Thanks, ass". Padma asks who Alfred has chosen as the winner of the Quickfire. He selects Brian, whom Fate has spared, despite a severe temptation. He's told his progression was nice, and that he has made a thoughtful, well-presented dish. The other chefs applaud, and Brian gets immunity. I'm so very sick of typing various permutations of "Yay, I got immunity/won a challenge, but I can't/won't rest on my laurels", so from now on, all that blather is just being referred to as the Standard Speech. Howie's just glad not to be a bottom-dweller for once.
Commercials. Oh, goody. Mobile TV. Can't wait to ride the train with people who have got that.
Damn Quickfire! As I was writing about that challenge, a friend called me to ask for my help in moving some DJ equipment to a local restaurant/brewery he was playing at. Once there, I saw they had crawfish cakes on the menu, and I never would have gotten them if not for this episode. They were very good, but needed some alcoholic refreshment on the side, and instead of coming home and finishing this entry, I just went to bed instead. It's probably for the best. There's no telling what I'd say about these people if I were slightly drunk. Anyhoo...
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs they're going from something fresh to something a lot more stale. She and Alfred wheel in two tables full of fatty American comfort foods. The plaid tablecloths are a nice touch. Saram makes a disgusted face, like, they're tater tots, lady. Not cockroach heads. Hung rolls his eyes and moans. Dale is a lot more practical, saying they're bad-for-you, nasty foods that "we all eat every day". Thank you, Dale. I understand these chefs generally work with upscale food, which is fine. I love upscale food. But I also love fried chicken, and it's annoying of them to pretend they don't, just because it costs two and a half bucks, and can be found on every other street corner. Padma tells them that Americans have been eating these dishes for generations, and their challenge today is to rework them into a more modern version. Also, while they're at it, the updated version should have lower cholesterol than its old-fashioned inspiration. Good challenge. It's difficult, but reasonable, and tests actual chef skills, rather than some bullshit like "throw together an enormous gourmet meal with crap ingredients and an impossible time limit".
Lia interviews that she has no experience cooking low cholesterol or low sodium foods. Hung thinks all the dishes look disgusting. He would. The chefs will pick their comfort food in the reverse order that they selected seafood for the Quickfire. That means Casey is up first. She takes the sloppy joe with tater tots. CJ takes tuna casserole. Lia takes franks 'n beans. Some chefs grabs some plates we don't hear about, so we know they won't turn out to be too important. Howie takes the pork chops and applesauce. Peter Brady approves. Howie interviews that the challenge resonates with him, because heart disease runs in his family. Micah has a typically snobby response to American comfort food, then selects meatloaf, which can be about the most delicious thing on the planet if made well. Camille takes tacos. Dale opts for chicken and dumplings. Brian grabs the stuffed cabbage. Saram takes chicken a la king, which she calls "pot pie without a pot". I have to admit that I've never really eaten some of these "favorites". My mother never served chicken and dumplings, nor chicken a la king, and I've never felt inclined to see what I'm missing. Hung gets last pick, and all that's left is fried chicken.
The chefs now have thirty minutes, and $75 to shop for ingredients. They'll then have an hour to cook on location for the members of the Miami Elks Club Lodge. Hah! Nice. That's a perfect audience to test a revised comfort food. I have to say that an hour doesn't sound like enough, though. Padma warns the chefs that they'll have to use "every weapon in [their] arsenal" to win over the diners. Micah interviews that meatloaf and mashed potatoes can't be too hard to improve. Well, sure. I just took a look at the only meatloaf recipe I use, and it doesn't look too unhealthy to me. And this is coming from my grandmother's day, when you couldn't stroll to the corner store and pick up ground turkey meat. Padma dismisses the chefs. Dale is excited about this challenge, saying that reinventing classics is very much what his style of cooking is based on.
At the Fresh Market, chefs dive right into getting their ingredients. Wow, they sure didn't have a lot of time to come up with an idea of what to do. Casey recaps the challenge, as if we didn't just hear about it thirty seconds ago. The notoriously awful titles tell us that she's working on "Sloppy Joe's [sic] & tater tots". Sloppy Joe's what? What does Sloppy Joe possess? Bravo, hire a freaking proofreader. Saran, who is working with fish sticks and french fries, has no idea what she wants to do. Oh, I don't know. Making low cholesterol fish should be pretty easy, no? I guess she's trying to focus on making sure that her dish is as satisfying as battered, fried fish would be. CJ disdains the chefs who are perusing fatty cheeses (Camille and Hung, from the looks of it). Brian buys lobster to stuff his cabbage with. Micah interviews that lobster is really high in cholesterol, and Saran shrugs that Brian can afford to take chances, thanks to his immunity. Saram tries to direct the butcher to the cut of chicken she wants, with hilarious results. Lia buys beer-infused chicken sausage, and some Guinness to bring out its flavor. Dale, mindful of the strict time limit, takes an idea from his family food history and buys a rotisserie chicken and instant mashed potatoes. Brilliant. He's just severely cut his preparation time, but can still give the food his own spin. CJ disagrees, saying it's bullshit, because Dale is "too good a cook" to rely on easy ingredients like that.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs get an hour of prep time. Wait, is this in addition to the cooking time at the lodge later? Maybe the time limit isn't as stringent as I thought it was. Or maybe they have to do all their cooking now, and can just warm things up at the lodge. Micah says it's always tough to change traditional food, because people expect certain things from them. Dale interviews that potatoes may be high in carbohydrates, but they really have no cholesterol or fat, so he's in good shape. He tosses his chicken in a pot with some seasoning. Hung says he's updating fried chicken with macaroni and cheese by preparing the chicken in low-fat yogurt instead of buttermilk. Lia interviews that she hasn't been in the top or the bottom yet, and that being in the middle is a frustrating place to be, because she never gets any feedback. Really? I'd be perfectly content to ride the wave of middle-ground for as long as I could. Or at least I wouldn't rue never being in the bottom. Of course, I've never been very competitive. She feels pretty confident about this challenge, because franks 'n beans is delicious and easy to prepare. I am unqualified to comment, as I detest baked beans with a passion.
Night falls at Chef's Manor, and a lot of the chefs are hanging out in the hot tub. Vaguely pornish music plays in the background. Chefs chat and drink wine, which is naturally our cue for Howie's THIRD avowal that if he makes friends, that's great, but that's not what he's here for. Howie is antisocial. Consider it understood. The next day, the chefs are driven to the Elks Lodge, where a few members are playing horseshoes. That's popular around here, too, but we use washers. I'm awfully tangential today. Anyway, the chefs get started on their prep work in the kitchen. The first subtitle we see tells us that there are forty minutes until service, so my best guess is that they got another hour to get things ready here. CJ seems nervous in his interview, saying that the diners at the Elks Lodge grew up with these dishes, and that they're dear to their hearts. He doesn't want to mess with the basic idea of tuna casserole too much.
Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. Tupelo Joey is making vegetable lasagna with no oil or butter. Camille is putting tuna and grilled beef into the tacos. "So it's a pretty literal translation, here," Ptom says. Camille agrees. CJ wants to keep the creamy consistency of tuna casserole, so he's using Greek yogurt, and making a tuile (basically, a cracker) of flax seeds to put on top instead of bread crumbs. Dale talks about making the dough of his dumplings with instant mashed potatoes, because with one hour, you "gotta do what you gotta do". Ptom gives him sort of an evil eye. Back outside, he interviews that he's surprised that so many chefs are going with such literal ideas, because there's so much that can be done to reinterpret them. "Hopefully, something different will come up." So, he's disappointed that people aren't being more creative. Fair enough.
With fourteen minutes left, diners start streaming into the dining room. Chefs are beginning to go into hyperdrive mode back in the kitchen. It can't help that the kitchen was certainly not built with the idea that thirteen people would be cooking at the same time. The chefs are packed in there like sardines. Howie interviews that something always goes wrong. Saram, who's to serve second, interviews that she didn't want to cook her chicken in cream, so she's skewering it and grilling it. When she goes back to check on it, it's not cooked through, because the oven has been set to "cool-down". Hung interviews that after his chicken was done, he took it out and turned the oven off, and that it's Saram's responsibility to make sure that the oven was on. This scene is confusing, as it's never established if Saram just made a mistake and assumed the oven was on because it was still hot from Hung's chicken, or if Hung and Saram's chicken was cooking together, and Hung screwed her by turning it off when his was done. So, someone messed up, but I have no idea who. Saram's flustered. CJ is also having issues. His sauce has broken, and as he explains, when sauce breaks, you have to add fat. Also, his presentation didn't turn out well. It looks like clumps of tuna on top of green, leaky goo. He's very nervous, and tells Hung that he hates his dish, to which Hung just makes a "Yeah, it sucks, so I don't really know how to comfort you" kind of face.
Commercials. Side effects of this sleep aid include drowsiness and fatigue.
CJ finishes plating, including putting that flax cracker on top of his tuna. Howie recaps the challenge. YES. I FULLY UNDERSTAND IT NOW. CJ presents his food to the judges and diners. Ted Allen is filling in for Gail this week. CJ has used whole wheat pasta, the aforementioned yogurt for the cream in the tuna, and the tuile made from flax seeds and black sesame seeds. I have no idea what's making his dish so green. He worries over not getting any reaction from the judges. He wouldn't have liked it anyway. Once he's gone, they describe it as looking very "health food" and grassy green, as well as having a "mushy" consistency. Yeah, nobody likes that wheat germ connotation. Ptom thinks it was an idea that didn't work out, but seems to appreciate the thought behind it. Saram frantically checks to make sure her chicken is cooked through, and says it's "just on the edge". Yum, salmonella! She presents her updated chicken a la king, which is chicken that has been marinated and grilled, then put into a puree of mushroom sauce, with couscous and watercress salad. The judges look at it as if it were dog crap. Even before tasting it, Alfred asks if it reminds anyone of chicken a la king. "Not remotely," Padma sniffs. We'll come back to that in a bit.
Lia serves her modernized franks 'n beans, which is the beer-grilled chicken sausage with Dijon lentils, carrots, and onions. There's also a drink on the plate which is never explained (possibly Guinness), and what appears to be chunks of watermelon. The judges ask if she made the sausage, which she admits she didn't. She interviews that she didn't really have the option to make the sausage. I agree. Can't give the chefs a restrictive time limit, then complain that they didn't get enough done. Still, everyone seems unimpressed, from the Elks Lodge members to CJ (who tells Lia the lentils seem underdone) to Alfred, who complains that all Lia did with her two hours is grill sausage and make lentils (and agrees with CJ about the doneness of said lentils). Ted is disappointed in all three of those dishes, and feels the judges are in serious need of some "wow". Dale is next to present his chicken and dumplings, which are chicken-filled potato dumplings with broccoli, horseradish, and celery root. This is the first dish people seem to enjoy. A diner loves the sauce, and the judges also like the flavor. Ted especially likes that Dale seared the outside of the dumpling for some texture. I'm suddenly craving potstickers. Ptom just mutters, never as happy to praise as to criticize.
Hung is up next. His fried chicken with macaroni and cheese has become skinless chicken marinated in yogurt and spices. There's also some "pasta and vegetables" which are not further described on the side. To solve the skin issue, Hung has rendered all the fat, and left a thin veneer left for some crunch. I actually think that's a really good idea, but all the judges look nonplussed. What crawled up their asses this week? One of the diners says that it's certainly not like Grandma's fried chicken, and someone who could be her mother-in-law responds with "On the other hand, Grandma's fried chicken will kill you." Hahaha! Good one, Possible Mother-in-Law! Saran serves panko-topped snapper with pine nuts, currants, lentils, and roasted beets. Interesting. A random diner samples it, pauses, then gives her approval, saying it's very good.
Micah brings out her reinvented meatloaf and mashed potato, which is "Italian style" meatloaf (ground sirloin) with smashed garlic potato, and roasted pepper sauces. She says she knows Americans like to put ketchup on meatloaf (not this American -- give me gravy), so she substituted roasted tomato. Once she's gone, the judges gossip that they didn't care for that note of snideness in the way she talked about Americans' tastes. I don't know if that colors their opinion of her dish at all, but they hate it. The word "terrible" is thrown around. The Elks Lodge diners seem to agree, picking at it, and wondering why it's so crunchy. Brian's stuffed cabbage is a lobster and shrimp roll in a lobster broth. He tries to play off his use of lobster by saying that everything is fine in moderation, including cholesterol. OK, that's true, but the challenge wasn't "Create a dish full of something that's fine in moderation." You can't just ignore the main facet of a challenge because it doesn't figure into the way people "should" or "are allowed to" eat. Well, I guess Brian can ignore it this week, but he'd better keep an eye on that.
Camille cheerfully brings out her tacos, one of which is filled with beef and chili salsa and one with tuna, tomatillo, and apple. Ew, tuna, green tomato, and apple? I'm not feeling that. A diner reaches for her water, not really loving how spicy the tacos are. Casey serves her "Rib eye Sloppy Joe's [sic] with butter pickle and apricot compote". I'd like my portion without the superfluous apostrophe, please. A diner pronounces it "very good". Portland Joey brings out his lasagna, which isn't vegetable lasagna, as he told Ptom, because it has turkey sausage in it. Just cause it didn't moo doesn't mean it's vegetarian. Anyhow, it also includes eggplant and mushroom. Tre has made roast chicken cordon bleu with bluefoot chanterelles, asparagus, and parsnip sauce. Neither of these dishes elicit much comment apart from "Not bad" from Padma and "It's not the worst thing we were served today" from Ptom. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with the judges? It's like they were forced to come here and give their opinions against their will. It's not even that they dislike everything; they just couldn't seem to care less.
Howie brings out his updated pork chops with applesauce. He's made fennel-crusted pork chops (with apple cider vinegar reduction), apple fennel slaw, and a sultana raisin emulsion. "The pork is beautifully cooked," Ted says, in the same tone of voice you'd use to say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not interested in converting to Scientology, thanks". Padma is equally lackadaisical when she says it captures familiarity, but is still tasty. The diners all love it. Padma thanks the Elks Lodge diners, and asks them to fill out opinion cards. Some lady gives some dish a four out of five. Another diner can't spell "mediocre". Back in the kitchen, CJ guesses that the top three are going to be Lia, Tre, and Howie. After he told Lia her lentils were undercooked? Weird. Maybe he feels bad about that, and is trying to make nice. Dale interviews that his food was a lot more upscale than his competitors', and is confident that this will be the best-received dish of his amongst the judges. Padma comes back, and in the tone of a mother disappointed with her kids, tells the chefs that there were some surprises and some disappointments that will be discussed at Judges' Table. Camille makes a "Daaaaaamn, we're busted" face. Heh.
Commercials. I'm sympathetic about your sensitive nose, ma'am, but in that case, maybe you should have rethought getting a dog.
Judges' Table. Padma recaps the challenge for the judges, just in case we didn't catch it the first three times. Ted says he was excited for this challenge, but as it turned out, most of the dishes were underwhelming. CJ's tuna casserole was a big, green blob. Ptom agrees that it had no finesse. Alfred is surprised, given how good CJ's Quickfire entry was. Ptom jokes that it certainly was evocative of the original, as it was just as bad as most tuna casseroles. Ted cracks up. Padma thinks Howie's pork was great. Alfred agrees. Ptom says that the Elks Lodge diners hated Micah's meatloaf. Alfred says it had a very odd aftertaste. Brian blew the challenge by using lobster. Both the Elks Lodge diners and the judges loved Dale's chicken and dumplings. Padma goes back to the Kitchen to bring the top two chefs out. She summons Dale and Howie to the table.
They're told they are the top, and they shake hands. Howie's sourpuss never changes, and Padma lets him know he can smile if he'd like. He breaks into a wide grin that's really very appealing. Ptom tells him it's got to feel better than being up twice in the bottom group. Howie agrees. Ted enjoyed the updated version of applesauce, which Howie says is for babies, and thus made the slaw to "uplift the palate". Dale is asked about using instant mashed potatoes, which he fully admits to and stands by. Ptom tells him that nobody picked up on it coming out of a box at all, and that people really enjoyed it. Ptom says that picking a winner was difficult, but as always, the judges managed. It's Howie. He's given three books, and the opportunity to work with Alfred for a week. Zzzz. Howie takes it much more gracefully than "zzzz", saying that it'll be an honor. He's pleased about his win, and the vindication of his skills. He hopes he can keep his positive momentum going. Howie and Dale shake the judges' hands, and Padma gives them the names of the loser chefs to summon to the table.
Howie and Dale return to the Kitchen to applause. Dale tells them that they know the drill, and that the judges want to see Micah, CJ, Lia, Saram, and Brian. Five? That's almost to the point where it'd be faster to announce who they don't want to see. Brian's confused about being called, since he's got immunity. The always odd Asian music heralds the loser chefs' entrance. CJ stands in the middle, and if only Brian and Lia would switch places, we'd have a nice bell curve going on. The five are told that they're the lodge members' and the judges' least favorites. I doubt Brian's went over poorly at the lodge. He's told he's safe from elimination, but that the judges are disappointed that he went for such a high cholesterol dish. Also, they know he's been successful with seafood, but he's going to have to start working with meat if he wants to go all the way in this competition. Hey, that's right! Brian has used seafood in every single challenge so far. He's dismissed.
As far as the real loser dishes, the judges start with Micah, whose meatloaf scored the lowest with the Elks. She shrugs, like, "Eh, what are ya gonna do?". Not make crappy meatloaf, maybe? She talks about never eating standard meatloaf, and is asked if she was happier with her version. She says she had issues with its texture, and Alfred tells her that it had an odd "finish" to it. Saram is asked if she's eaten a lot of chicken a la king. She has not, as it's not really something passed around the table too often in Jamaica. Ted asks how she connected her dish to the original, "other than the mushrooms". She said she thought the ingredients tied together, and she liked what she came up with. Alfred snootily informs her that it bore no resemblance to chicken a la king. Nobody takes any issue with any of her flavors. And here's where we unpack that criticism of Ptom's from earlier. You know, the one where he was so disappointed that everyone was taking their dishes too literally, and wished the chefs would come up with something more imaginative and creative? Witness the results when they do. They land in the bottom. Nothing bugs me more than inconsistent judging. Decide what you're looking for, then judge on it, you twits.
CJ is asked what he was thinking. He says he wanted to come up with something original. Alfred says there was a lot of flavor, but that it was all pea. At least, I really hope he said "pea", or else CJ's got some issues. He also found the violent green color off-putting. Ptom didn't mind the color, but found the flavors muddy. He did enjoy the flax seed cracker, though. Lia is asked for her thought process, and she says she wanted to make something that people could realistically come home and recreate for their families. Not a bad answer. Ptom takes her to task for not getting much done in the two hours. Lia somewhat sarcastically answers that she didn't realize how complex franks 'n beans are. Hahaha! Luckily for her, the judges laugh instead of being insulted. Ptom makes sure she was making something to win, because there's nothing he hates worse than people trying to coast. She does seem to have tried her best, which I think Ptom picks up on. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Saram complains that their criticisms or her flavors make no sense to her. Deliberations. Lia should have done more with her time and money, but there was really nothing wrong with the food presented, except for the lentils being somewhat undercooked. CJ had an impressive idea, and the flax seed cracker was great, but the rest was flavorless. Micah's food was the only dish to elicit a "yuck". Alfred says that it was really bad. Saram's dish was apparently "worse", because it wasn't anything like chicken a la king. The judges agree that she could have used some peas. Ted agrees it was a trainwreck, but appears to be leaning towards Micah's as worse. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. I admit to having a weakness for this commercial where people look like food.
Elimination. Ptom says the challenge seemed straightforward. I could say the same thing about judging it. Micah's dish suffered from "a lack of imagination". That's not true. Her dish was plenty imaginative; it just tasted horrible. Saram's didn't remind anyone of her original dish. CJ's tuna casserole was unfocused. Lia's food showed a lack of work. Padma delivers the bad news. Micah. Please pack your knives and go. The chefs head back to the Kitchen. Micah's final interview is interesting. Her first words? "I'm relieved. I'm glad to go." Wow. She says she wishes she could have focused better, because when she did, she put out good food. However, she's glad to go home to her daughter, and she's glad to be cut before the competition becomes cutthroat and ugly. I feel her on that one.
I should have liked this episode. The challenges were top notch. But I didn't like it, and while bad episodes are usually due to chef tantrums or unreasonable challenges, the blame for this one lies squarely on production's shoulders. Judge the challenges fairly. Criticize bad food, not lack of a killer instinct. If the judges are sour and bored, can you reasonably expect the audience to be any different? And finally, a lesson that's easily accomplished and completely free: Learn how to use a fucking apostrophe.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on Top Chef: Howie couldn't get his food plated in time and sunk to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. Then Howie served dry, boring pork and sunk to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. One wonders about all this "haven't cooked up to my potential" bluster. Cleveland Joey opined that Howie should be sent home, and the two of them became mortal enemies forever. Sandee tried to do something new and interesting with her barbecue dish, but unfortunately went so far afield that it wasn't barbecue anymore, and she got chopped. Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. This menu was due to be a picnic with the Card Night folks, but inclement weather drove us indoors. Aside from the bottle upon bottle of wine, there was Pinot grigio sausage, Italian pepperoni, forty-spice hummus (unfortunately, the label did not deign to tell us any of the forty), homemade pasta salad with some very zingy olives, smoked salmon/cream cheese spread, cracked pepper/olive oil crackers, and to round out the gourmet menu -- sea salt/vinegar Pringles. Hey, not everything has to be fancy.
Another sunny morning brings us to Chef's Manor. Various shirtless chefs awaken. Sandee has left a sweet little good-bye note for everyone. Lia interviews that the friendliness the chefs share has become strained and tense now that eliminations have started to happen. As much as I loathe the use of "I'm not here to make friends" to try and pawn off being an asshole, these guys aren't at sleepaway camp. Howie interviews essentially the same thing, in reference to his tiff with Topeka Joey, who says that they exchanged words, but he's over it, and ready to move on. Micah does pushups, which seems to be becoming a light motif for these opening scenes. She describes her erratic placements, from winning the first Quickfire to sinking to the bottom in the next one, then back up to the top for the second Elimination Challenge. She's not too worried about it, saying she came to America and started her business with $400, her daughter, and a dream. OK, she leaves the "dream" part out, but it's all very melting pot. The chefs wander out.
Quickfire Challenge. Padma meets everyone in the Kitchen and introduces this week's guest judge, Alfred Portale. He's from New York, so Pocatello Joey has obviously heard of him and his award-winning food. I'm sure he's a very accomplished chef and a wonderful person, so I feel a little mean for pointing out that he can't really get away with that size shirt anymore. Also, are those...plucked eyebrows? Yikes. A sheet covers the main ingredient for this week's Quickfire, and Padma whips it off dramatically. It's a tank full of live shellfish. Hung claps his hands and says "Yes!". He interviews that he's really good with seafood. Also good with seafood is Brian, who actually focuses on it for a living. He interviews that if he can't win this one, he'll get fired, and his whole world will dissolve. Don't tempt Fate, Brian. Look what happened with Tre, the barbecue "expert" from Texas. Each of the chefs will have thirty seconds to grab a net and scoop out as much shellfish as they want.
Hung's up first, and he runs at top speed to the tank, as if the fish are going to melt or something. He grabs the net out of Padma hand, gets up on a stepstool, and plunges the net into the water like he's spear fishing. Dale interviews about how off-putting Hung's aggression is. Saran chides him to leave some fish for the rest of them, but Lia's not worried. Hung empties his net into a metal bowl, and inadvertently drops a crawfish onto the ground. Everyone lets an "awwww" as it lays there helpless. CJ interviews that after the "poor" crawfish fell, Hung's "true colors" flew out. Hung abandons it, returning to the line of chefs. Everyone gasps like he's leaving behind his wounded dog. Lia tells him not to just leave it laying there, and Hung asks "What do you want me to do?". "I want you to clean up after yourself," she answers. Oh, so they're not upset that he mistreated the animal. They're upset that he's leaving debris strewn on the floor. OK, that makes more sense. Micah's next. She says she used to live in the Bahamas, so she's looking forward to working with conch. So she's from South Africa, lived in the Bahamas, and came to America from Italy. Is she on the lam or something? More chefs approach the tank. I wonder how the order was chosen. Saran thinks this is going to be a difficult challenge, especially because the net is so flimsy. Tre finds out how flimsy, as he only manages to net about eighteen pieces. He's nervous about what he can do with that. Eh, it's plenty for a Quickfire.
The chefs now have thirty minutes to create their seafood dishes. The countdown begins. Lia interviews that it's going to be difficult, because shellfish require shucking, cleaning, deveining, etc. Just getting it ready to cook can easily suck up a third of the time. Especially if one gets conch, as Dale describes. Getting conch meat out of the shell is tough and time-consuming, requiring some odd-looking contraptions. With only thirty minutes to cook, Dale says he doesn't have time to "dick around with a conch". Hahaha! I think dicking around with conch is illegal in fourteen states. I think the only ones even attempting to work with it are Saram and Micah. Saram easily uses that odd tool (almost like a larger version of a corkscrew) to get the conch meat out. Micah beats on the shell with everything but the Kitchen sink, but has significant issues getting to the meat. Saran interviews that Micah's "roller-coaster" of challenge placements is a sign of someone who's really inconsistent. Says the woman who joined Micah in both the bottom of the Quickfire last week and the top of the Elimination Challenge. Time to start polishing the panes in that glass house, Saran.
A crawfish makes a desperate bid for freedom. We don't see if he makes it, but I'm guessing not. Sweat drips off Howie's face. He's making a ceviche, which I swear someone makes on this show about every other challenge. He grinds the pepper mill as if there were diamonds inside. Brian is trying to keep it simple, saying the less you do with seafood, the better, because it already tastes phenomenal. I can get behind that argument. Hung disdains this, saying that everyone's just throwing seafood into white wine, which is simple and good, but that "my monkey can do that". Hung owns a monkey? There's a topic I'm not anxious to explore. Also, as with Saran, maybe Hung ought to watch the sneering over other people's excess simplicity, since he made a basic flank steak for the upscale barbecue last week. Time gets tight. People start plating. Sweat continues to drip off of Howie. Hopefully, not into his food. Padma and Alfred come in, and time runs out. Howie is nervous, because he didn't "re-taste" as much as he'd normally like. He thinks it'll either turn out great or be a total disaster.
Padma and Alfred go down the line. CJ has made pan-roasted "fruits de mer" (so...seafood with a huge, heaping portion of pretention) with shaved cauliflower, saffron paprika vinaigrette, prosciutto, and olives. Alfred likes the flavor. Casey has made linguini with scallops, mussels, and cockles, and has a cilantro bread with truffle butter on the side. Impressive. Alfred tells her that she was smart not to have used the conch. Significant shot of Micah. Tre has poached scallops in fish stock, butter, and chive oil, and paired it with a summer corn/grilled leek compote. I bet that'd be good. Well, it'd be good until I started projectile vomiting due to my scallop allergy, but it still looks tasty. Alfred looks unimpressed. We don't hear what Saran made, but hear that it's "nice". Micah has made conch salad, ceviche style (see?), with sour orange, and it's finished with "sky juice". Alfred calls the sky juice "an acquired taste". And what, since we're to focus on this concoction, is actually in sky juice? Don't be silly. They never tell us. Why would we, the viewers, have any need or wish to understand what the chefs are talking about or why they draw certain praise/criticism? Asses.
Brian has called his dish "Three Rivers", and his seafood is prepared in wine, butter, garlic, and chives. He wasn't kidding when he said he was going to keep it simple. Significant shot of Hung. Brian's also made an oyster mignionette, which is making me ravenously hungry, and conch toast, which we never even see a shot of. Alfred likes everything. Lia has paired raw scallops with figs and lemon zest (ew), some cockle with tomato water (ew), and capellini with crayfish (not ew). Saram has made cornmeal-crusted conch with citrus butter. There's also what I assume is an oyster mignionette with mango and cilantro on it. Alfred likes the flavor, but finds it a bit salty. Camille actually gets to tell us what she's made, which is crayfish and mussels in a hibiscus sauce, and tarragon-crusted mussels. Alfred asks where her flavors are coming from, and Camille says that she likes working with teas. Thud of Doom, as Alfred raises his eyebrows dismissively (which he's done an awful lot in the past few minutes, and which I wouldn't notice if they weren't so damn disturbing).
Hung calls his "East/West", and it's a curry made with the heads and bellies of scallops and mussels. He's made two large croutons to dip in the curry, and this is what Alfred finds fault with. It's not even the flavor of the croutons he doesn't like; it's the size and proportion to the curry. That's a pretty dumb criticism. I wonder if Alfred just doesn't like Hung after the whole "eh, I'll just leave the crawfish on the floor" thing. Hung manages to piss away any sympathy I had for him by interviewing that Alfred just didn't "understand the concept". Because award-winning chefs don't get the intensely complicated process of dipping bread into liquid dishes. We never hear what Concord Joey makes (though it gets a nod and a "very good"). Dale has made spicy Italian sausage with scallops and tomato sauce, then topped it with a sunny side up egg. Weird. Alfred enjoys it. Howie's ceviche has conch, scallops, crayfish, and mussels. It also includes plantains and mixed greens. Alfred calls it "very tasty" but an obvious choice to make with these flavors.
Padma asks for Alfred's least favorites. Micah's conch salad had little conch, and needed heat and seasoning. Camille's tea flavoring was overpowering. Tre could have used a lot more seafood and a lot less corn. Huh, guess I was wrong about Tre having caught plenty of shellfish. Now, to the three favorites. Howie's ceviche was intelligent and well-presented. Well, then what was all that noise about it being "obvious"? Alfred's beginning to rub me the wrong way. Brian's methods were simple, but smart. CJ's dish didn't look good at first, but the flavors were well-integrated. CJ makes a face like "Thanks, ass". Padma asks who Alfred has chosen as the winner of the Quickfire. He selects Brian, whom Fate has spared, despite a severe temptation. He's told his progression was nice, and that he has made a thoughtful, well-presented dish. The other chefs applaud, and Brian gets immunity. I'm so very sick of typing various permutations of "Yay, I got immunity/won a challenge, but I can't/won't rest on my laurels", so from now on, all that blather is just being referred to as the Standard Speech. Howie's just glad not to be a bottom-dweller for once.
Commercials. Oh, goody. Mobile TV. Can't wait to ride the train with people who have got that.
Damn Quickfire! As I was writing about that challenge, a friend called me to ask for my help in moving some DJ equipment to a local restaurant/brewery he was playing at. Once there, I saw they had crawfish cakes on the menu, and I never would have gotten them if not for this episode. They were very good, but needed some alcoholic refreshment on the side, and instead of coming home and finishing this entry, I just went to bed instead. It's probably for the best. There's no telling what I'd say about these people if I were slightly drunk. Anyhoo...
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs they're going from something fresh to something a lot more stale. She and Alfred wheel in two tables full of fatty American comfort foods. The plaid tablecloths are a nice touch. Saram makes a disgusted face, like, they're tater tots, lady. Not cockroach heads. Hung rolls his eyes and moans. Dale is a lot more practical, saying they're bad-for-you, nasty foods that "we all eat every day". Thank you, Dale. I understand these chefs generally work with upscale food, which is fine. I love upscale food. But I also love fried chicken, and it's annoying of them to pretend they don't, just because it costs two and a half bucks, and can be found on every other street corner. Padma tells them that Americans have been eating these dishes for generations, and their challenge today is to rework them into a more modern version. Also, while they're at it, the updated version should have lower cholesterol than its old-fashioned inspiration. Good challenge. It's difficult, but reasonable, and tests actual chef skills, rather than some bullshit like "throw together an enormous gourmet meal with crap ingredients and an impossible time limit".
Lia interviews that she has no experience cooking low cholesterol or low sodium foods. Hung thinks all the dishes look disgusting. He would. The chefs will pick their comfort food in the reverse order that they selected seafood for the Quickfire. That means Casey is up first. She takes the sloppy joe with tater tots. CJ takes tuna casserole. Lia takes franks 'n beans. Some chefs grabs some plates we don't hear about, so we know they won't turn out to be too important. Howie takes the pork chops and applesauce. Peter Brady approves. Howie interviews that the challenge resonates with him, because heart disease runs in his family. Micah has a typically snobby response to American comfort food, then selects meatloaf, which can be about the most delicious thing on the planet if made well. Camille takes tacos. Dale opts for chicken and dumplings. Brian grabs the stuffed cabbage. Saram takes chicken a la king, which she calls "pot pie without a pot". I have to admit that I've never really eaten some of these "favorites". My mother never served chicken and dumplings, nor chicken a la king, and I've never felt inclined to see what I'm missing. Hung gets last pick, and all that's left is fried chicken.
The chefs now have thirty minutes, and $75 to shop for ingredients. They'll then have an hour to cook on location for the members of the Miami Elks Club Lodge. Hah! Nice. That's a perfect audience to test a revised comfort food. I have to say that an hour doesn't sound like enough, though. Padma warns the chefs that they'll have to use "every weapon in [their] arsenal" to win over the diners. Micah interviews that meatloaf and mashed potatoes can't be too hard to improve. Well, sure. I just took a look at the only meatloaf recipe I use, and it doesn't look too unhealthy to me. And this is coming from my grandmother's day, when you couldn't stroll to the corner store and pick up ground turkey meat. Padma dismisses the chefs. Dale is excited about this challenge, saying that reinventing classics is very much what his style of cooking is based on.
At the Fresh Market, chefs dive right into getting their ingredients. Wow, they sure didn't have a lot of time to come up with an idea of what to do. Casey recaps the challenge, as if we didn't just hear about it thirty seconds ago. The notoriously awful titles tell us that she's working on "Sloppy Joe's [sic] & tater tots". Sloppy Joe's what? What does Sloppy Joe possess? Bravo, hire a freaking proofreader. Saran, who is working with fish sticks and french fries, has no idea what she wants to do. Oh, I don't know. Making low cholesterol fish should be pretty easy, no? I guess she's trying to focus on making sure that her dish is as satisfying as battered, fried fish would be. CJ disdains the chefs who are perusing fatty cheeses (Camille and Hung, from the looks of it). Brian buys lobster to stuff his cabbage with. Micah interviews that lobster is really high in cholesterol, and Saran shrugs that Brian can afford to take chances, thanks to his immunity. Saram tries to direct the butcher to the cut of chicken she wants, with hilarious results. Lia buys beer-infused chicken sausage, and some Guinness to bring out its flavor. Dale, mindful of the strict time limit, takes an idea from his family food history and buys a rotisserie chicken and instant mashed potatoes. Brilliant. He's just severely cut his preparation time, but can still give the food his own spin. CJ disagrees, saying it's bullshit, because Dale is "too good a cook" to rely on easy ingredients like that.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs get an hour of prep time. Wait, is this in addition to the cooking time at the lodge later? Maybe the time limit isn't as stringent as I thought it was. Or maybe they have to do all their cooking now, and can just warm things up at the lodge. Micah says it's always tough to change traditional food, because people expect certain things from them. Dale interviews that potatoes may be high in carbohydrates, but they really have no cholesterol or fat, so he's in good shape. He tosses his chicken in a pot with some seasoning. Hung says he's updating fried chicken with macaroni and cheese by preparing the chicken in low-fat yogurt instead of buttermilk. Lia interviews that she hasn't been in the top or the bottom yet, and that being in the middle is a frustrating place to be, because she never gets any feedback. Really? I'd be perfectly content to ride the wave of middle-ground for as long as I could. Or at least I wouldn't rue never being in the bottom. Of course, I've never been very competitive. She feels pretty confident about this challenge, because franks 'n beans is delicious and easy to prepare. I am unqualified to comment, as I detest baked beans with a passion.
Night falls at Chef's Manor, and a lot of the chefs are hanging out in the hot tub. Vaguely pornish music plays in the background. Chefs chat and drink wine, which is naturally our cue for Howie's THIRD avowal that if he makes friends, that's great, but that's not what he's here for. Howie is antisocial. Consider it understood. The next day, the chefs are driven to the Elks Lodge, where a few members are playing horseshoes. That's popular around here, too, but we use washers. I'm awfully tangential today. Anyway, the chefs get started on their prep work in the kitchen. The first subtitle we see tells us that there are forty minutes until service, so my best guess is that they got another hour to get things ready here. CJ seems nervous in his interview, saying that the diners at the Elks Lodge grew up with these dishes, and that they're dear to their hearts. He doesn't want to mess with the basic idea of tuna casserole too much.
Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. Tupelo Joey is making vegetable lasagna with no oil or butter. Camille is putting tuna and grilled beef into the tacos. "So it's a pretty literal translation, here," Ptom says. Camille agrees. CJ wants to keep the creamy consistency of tuna casserole, so he's using Greek yogurt, and making a tuile (basically, a cracker) of flax seeds to put on top instead of bread crumbs. Dale talks about making the dough of his dumplings with instant mashed potatoes, because with one hour, you "gotta do what you gotta do". Ptom gives him sort of an evil eye. Back outside, he interviews that he's surprised that so many chefs are going with such literal ideas, because there's so much that can be done to reinterpret them. "Hopefully, something different will come up." So, he's disappointed that people aren't being more creative. Fair enough.
With fourteen minutes left, diners start streaming into the dining room. Chefs are beginning to go into hyperdrive mode back in the kitchen. It can't help that the kitchen was certainly not built with the idea that thirteen people would be cooking at the same time. The chefs are packed in there like sardines. Howie interviews that something always goes wrong. Saram, who's to serve second, interviews that she didn't want to cook her chicken in cream, so she's skewering it and grilling it. When she goes back to check on it, it's not cooked through, because the oven has been set to "cool-down". Hung interviews that after his chicken was done, he took it out and turned the oven off, and that it's Saram's responsibility to make sure that the oven was on. This scene is confusing, as it's never established if Saram just made a mistake and assumed the oven was on because it was still hot from Hung's chicken, or if Hung and Saram's chicken was cooking together, and Hung screwed her by turning it off when his was done. So, someone messed up, but I have no idea who. Saram's flustered. CJ is also having issues. His sauce has broken, and as he explains, when sauce breaks, you have to add fat. Also, his presentation didn't turn out well. It looks like clumps of tuna on top of green, leaky goo. He's very nervous, and tells Hung that he hates his dish, to which Hung just makes a "Yeah, it sucks, so I don't really know how to comfort you" kind of face.
Commercials. Side effects of this sleep aid include drowsiness and fatigue.
CJ finishes plating, including putting that flax cracker on top of his tuna. Howie recaps the challenge. YES. I FULLY UNDERSTAND IT NOW. CJ presents his food to the judges and diners. Ted Allen is filling in for Gail this week. CJ has used whole wheat pasta, the aforementioned yogurt for the cream in the tuna, and the tuile made from flax seeds and black sesame seeds. I have no idea what's making his dish so green. He worries over not getting any reaction from the judges. He wouldn't have liked it anyway. Once he's gone, they describe it as looking very "health food" and grassy green, as well as having a "mushy" consistency. Yeah, nobody likes that wheat germ connotation. Ptom thinks it was an idea that didn't work out, but seems to appreciate the thought behind it. Saram frantically checks to make sure her chicken is cooked through, and says it's "just on the edge". Yum, salmonella! She presents her updated chicken a la king, which is chicken that has been marinated and grilled, then put into a puree of mushroom sauce, with couscous and watercress salad. The judges look at it as if it were dog crap. Even before tasting it, Alfred asks if it reminds anyone of chicken a la king. "Not remotely," Padma sniffs. We'll come back to that in a bit.
Lia serves her modernized franks 'n beans, which is the beer-grilled chicken sausage with Dijon lentils, carrots, and onions. There's also a drink on the plate which is never explained (possibly Guinness), and what appears to be chunks of watermelon. The judges ask if she made the sausage, which she admits she didn't. She interviews that she didn't really have the option to make the sausage. I agree. Can't give the chefs a restrictive time limit, then complain that they didn't get enough done. Still, everyone seems unimpressed, from the Elks Lodge members to CJ (who tells Lia the lentils seem underdone) to Alfred, who complains that all Lia did with her two hours is grill sausage and make lentils (and agrees with CJ about the doneness of said lentils). Ted is disappointed in all three of those dishes, and feels the judges are in serious need of some "wow". Dale is next to present his chicken and dumplings, which are chicken-filled potato dumplings with broccoli, horseradish, and celery root. This is the first dish people seem to enjoy. A diner loves the sauce, and the judges also like the flavor. Ted especially likes that Dale seared the outside of the dumpling for some texture. I'm suddenly craving potstickers. Ptom just mutters, never as happy to praise as to criticize.
Hung is up next. His fried chicken with macaroni and cheese has become skinless chicken marinated in yogurt and spices. There's also some "pasta and vegetables" which are not further described on the side. To solve the skin issue, Hung has rendered all the fat, and left a thin veneer left for some crunch. I actually think that's a really good idea, but all the judges look nonplussed. What crawled up their asses this week? One of the diners says that it's certainly not like Grandma's fried chicken, and someone who could be her mother-in-law responds with "On the other hand, Grandma's fried chicken will kill you." Hahaha! Good one, Possible Mother-in-Law! Saran serves panko-topped snapper with pine nuts, currants, lentils, and roasted beets. Interesting. A random diner samples it, pauses, then gives her approval, saying it's very good.
Micah brings out her reinvented meatloaf and mashed potato, which is "Italian style" meatloaf (ground sirloin) with smashed garlic potato, and roasted pepper sauces. She says she knows Americans like to put ketchup on meatloaf (not this American -- give me gravy), so she substituted roasted tomato. Once she's gone, the judges gossip that they didn't care for that note of snideness in the way she talked about Americans' tastes. I don't know if that colors their opinion of her dish at all, but they hate it. The word "terrible" is thrown around. The Elks Lodge diners seem to agree, picking at it, and wondering why it's so crunchy. Brian's stuffed cabbage is a lobster and shrimp roll in a lobster broth. He tries to play off his use of lobster by saying that everything is fine in moderation, including cholesterol. OK, that's true, but the challenge wasn't "Create a dish full of something that's fine in moderation." You can't just ignore the main facet of a challenge because it doesn't figure into the way people "should" or "are allowed to" eat. Well, I guess Brian can ignore it this week, but he'd better keep an eye on that.
Camille cheerfully brings out her tacos, one of which is filled with beef and chili salsa and one with tuna, tomatillo, and apple. Ew, tuna, green tomato, and apple? I'm not feeling that. A diner reaches for her water, not really loving how spicy the tacos are. Casey serves her "Rib eye Sloppy Joe's [sic] with butter pickle and apricot compote". I'd like my portion without the superfluous apostrophe, please. A diner pronounces it "very good". Portland Joey brings out his lasagna, which isn't vegetable lasagna, as he told Ptom, because it has turkey sausage in it. Just cause it didn't moo doesn't mean it's vegetarian. Anyhow, it also includes eggplant and mushroom. Tre has made roast chicken cordon bleu with bluefoot chanterelles, asparagus, and parsnip sauce. Neither of these dishes elicit much comment apart from "Not bad" from Padma and "It's not the worst thing we were served today" from Ptom. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with the judges? It's like they were forced to come here and give their opinions against their will. It's not even that they dislike everything; they just couldn't seem to care less.
Howie brings out his updated pork chops with applesauce. He's made fennel-crusted pork chops (with apple cider vinegar reduction), apple fennel slaw, and a sultana raisin emulsion. "The pork is beautifully cooked," Ted says, in the same tone of voice you'd use to say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not interested in converting to Scientology, thanks". Padma is equally lackadaisical when she says it captures familiarity, but is still tasty. The diners all love it. Padma thanks the Elks Lodge diners, and asks them to fill out opinion cards. Some lady gives some dish a four out of five. Another diner can't spell "mediocre". Back in the kitchen, CJ guesses that the top three are going to be Lia, Tre, and Howie. After he told Lia her lentils were undercooked? Weird. Maybe he feels bad about that, and is trying to make nice. Dale interviews that his food was a lot more upscale than his competitors', and is confident that this will be the best-received dish of his amongst the judges. Padma comes back, and in the tone of a mother disappointed with her kids, tells the chefs that there were some surprises and some disappointments that will be discussed at Judges' Table. Camille makes a "Daaaaaamn, we're busted" face. Heh.
Commercials. I'm sympathetic about your sensitive nose, ma'am, but in that case, maybe you should have rethought getting a dog.
Judges' Table. Padma recaps the challenge for the judges, just in case we didn't catch it the first three times. Ted says he was excited for this challenge, but as it turned out, most of the dishes were underwhelming. CJ's tuna casserole was a big, green blob. Ptom agrees that it had no finesse. Alfred is surprised, given how good CJ's Quickfire entry was. Ptom jokes that it certainly was evocative of the original, as it was just as bad as most tuna casseroles. Ted cracks up. Padma thinks Howie's pork was great. Alfred agrees. Ptom says that the Elks Lodge diners hated Micah's meatloaf. Alfred says it had a very odd aftertaste. Brian blew the challenge by using lobster. Both the Elks Lodge diners and the judges loved Dale's chicken and dumplings. Padma goes back to the Kitchen to bring the top two chefs out. She summons Dale and Howie to the table.
They're told they are the top, and they shake hands. Howie's sourpuss never changes, and Padma lets him know he can smile if he'd like. He breaks into a wide grin that's really very appealing. Ptom tells him it's got to feel better than being up twice in the bottom group. Howie agrees. Ted enjoyed the updated version of applesauce, which Howie says is for babies, and thus made the slaw to "uplift the palate". Dale is asked about using instant mashed potatoes, which he fully admits to and stands by. Ptom tells him that nobody picked up on it coming out of a box at all, and that people really enjoyed it. Ptom says that picking a winner was difficult, but as always, the judges managed. It's Howie. He's given three books, and the opportunity to work with Alfred for a week. Zzzz. Howie takes it much more gracefully than "zzzz", saying that it'll be an honor. He's pleased about his win, and the vindication of his skills. He hopes he can keep his positive momentum going. Howie and Dale shake the judges' hands, and Padma gives them the names of the loser chefs to summon to the table.
Howie and Dale return to the Kitchen to applause. Dale tells them that they know the drill, and that the judges want to see Micah, CJ, Lia, Saram, and Brian. Five? That's almost to the point where it'd be faster to announce who they don't want to see. Brian's confused about being called, since he's got immunity. The always odd Asian music heralds the loser chefs' entrance. CJ stands in the middle, and if only Brian and Lia would switch places, we'd have a nice bell curve going on. The five are told that they're the lodge members' and the judges' least favorites. I doubt Brian's went over poorly at the lodge. He's told he's safe from elimination, but that the judges are disappointed that he went for such a high cholesterol dish. Also, they know he's been successful with seafood, but he's going to have to start working with meat if he wants to go all the way in this competition. Hey, that's right! Brian has used seafood in every single challenge so far. He's dismissed.
As far as the real loser dishes, the judges start with Micah, whose meatloaf scored the lowest with the Elks. She shrugs, like, "Eh, what are ya gonna do?". Not make crappy meatloaf, maybe? She talks about never eating standard meatloaf, and is asked if she was happier with her version. She says she had issues with its texture, and Alfred tells her that it had an odd "finish" to it. Saram is asked if she's eaten a lot of chicken a la king. She has not, as it's not really something passed around the table too often in Jamaica. Ted asks how she connected her dish to the original, "other than the mushrooms". She said she thought the ingredients tied together, and she liked what she came up with. Alfred snootily informs her that it bore no resemblance to chicken a la king. Nobody takes any issue with any of her flavors. And here's where we unpack that criticism of Ptom's from earlier. You know, the one where he was so disappointed that everyone was taking their dishes too literally, and wished the chefs would come up with something more imaginative and creative? Witness the results when they do. They land in the bottom. Nothing bugs me more than inconsistent judging. Decide what you're looking for, then judge on it, you twits.
CJ is asked what he was thinking. He says he wanted to come up with something original. Alfred says there was a lot of flavor, but that it was all pea. At least, I really hope he said "pea", or else CJ's got some issues. He also found the violent green color off-putting. Ptom didn't mind the color, but found the flavors muddy. He did enjoy the flax seed cracker, though. Lia is asked for her thought process, and she says she wanted to make something that people could realistically come home and recreate for their families. Not a bad answer. Ptom takes her to task for not getting much done in the two hours. Lia somewhat sarcastically answers that she didn't realize how complex franks 'n beans are. Hahaha! Luckily for her, the judges laugh instead of being insulted. Ptom makes sure she was making something to win, because there's nothing he hates worse than people trying to coast. She does seem to have tried her best, which I think Ptom picks up on. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Saram complains that their criticisms or her flavors make no sense to her. Deliberations. Lia should have done more with her time and money, but there was really nothing wrong with the food presented, except for the lentils being somewhat undercooked. CJ had an impressive idea, and the flax seed cracker was great, but the rest was flavorless. Micah's food was the only dish to elicit a "yuck". Alfred says that it was really bad. Saram's dish was apparently "worse", because it wasn't anything like chicken a la king. The judges agree that she could have used some peas. Ted agrees it was a trainwreck, but appears to be leaning towards Micah's as worse. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. I admit to having a weakness for this commercial where people look like food.
Elimination. Ptom says the challenge seemed straightforward. I could say the same thing about judging it. Micah's dish suffered from "a lack of imagination". That's not true. Her dish was plenty imaginative; it just tasted horrible. Saram's didn't remind anyone of her original dish. CJ's tuna casserole was unfocused. Lia's food showed a lack of work. Padma delivers the bad news. Micah. Please pack your knives and go. The chefs head back to the Kitchen. Micah's final interview is interesting. Her first words? "I'm relieved. I'm glad to go." Wow. She says she wishes she could have focused better, because when she did, she put out good food. However, she's glad to go home to her daughter, and she's glad to be cut before the competition becomes cutthroat and ugly. I feel her on that one.
I should have liked this episode. The challenges were top notch. But I didn't like it, and while bad episodes are usually due to chef tantrums or unreasonable challenges, the blame for this one lies squarely on production's shoulders. Judge the challenges fairly. Criticize bad food, not lack of a killer instinct. If the judges are sour and bored, can you reasonably expect the audience to be any different? And finally, a lesson that's easily accomplished and completely free: Learn how to use a fucking apostrophe.
Overall Grade: C
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