America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 10
Oh, Bre. And after I defended you last week. Well, let's get this over with. And by "this", I mean the whole season. I'm done.
This week there were some challenges about remaining calm and still for stretches of time. But the challenges are really just the background for a huge spat spanning the entire episode. Bre convinces herself (with no proof) that Nicole stole one of her granola bars, so she pours out all of Nicole's energy drinks, then tries to claim some sort of moral high ground. Um, no. She, Kim, and Nicole have giant blowout fights, and everyone's right, and everyone's wrong, and by this point there's nobody left to root for but Nike.
In the end, Bre and Kim land in the bottom two, and although Bre is now exposed as a hypocritical brat, she does look better in pictures, so Kim will be taking the walk of shame. Yes, I did totally call when she'd be cut several weeks ago. You're so kind to remember!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
The Girl Who Talks Behind Everyone's Back
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 9
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kim landed herself on Veronica Mars. The show, that is, not the character, which must have been disappointing for her. Fugly Lisa advised us all to eat a cookie. Jayla and Nicole found themselves in the bottom two, but nobody was eliminated. Instead, all the girls are off to London. Six girls still remain. Somebody had better be eliminated tonight.
Bel Air. Jayla and Nicole confessionalize that being in the bottom two sucks. Thanks, girls. Everyone is excited to go to London as they pack their bags. So off we go! Oh, wait. They're not going to London yet. First, they're going to have a visit from Jenny Shimizu. I've never heard of her, but apparently, she's an offbeat kind of model because she's tattooed and gay and such. Kim's thrilled to meet her. I wish I could say the same. I mean, she seems perfectly nice, but as with all the "Girls, meet somebody special!" segments, it's really fucking boring. Plus, Jenny just kind of fell into modeling, so she doesn't have much helpful advice for them.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Guess not. Instead, we watch Kim tell Fugly Lisa that she looks old (well, thirty - but the two are one and the same in that household), then shit-talks her when she leaves the room. Jeez, what a bitch. Bre interviews that she's noticed Kim gossiping about everyone, and hopes that everyone will leave all that crap behind when they go to London. Good luck with that, Bre. The girls get some Tyra Mail that tells them to be prepared to meet their ghosts from the past.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nope. Instead, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at some studio or other where they meet some Entertainment Tonight talking head. He tells the girls that as the winner of America's Next Top Model, they will be a celebrity; followed everywhere by people desperate for a picture of them. I want to laugh, but that's equal parts hilarious and insulting. Do the producers really think we'll buy that? Naima can hardly get four people to come to Walgreen's to get an autograph from her, and they want us to think that these girls will be viciously stalked by paparazzi? Right. Talking Head also tells the girls that there has been a photographer following them around, which they haven't noticed. He shows the girls bad photos that have been taken of them, and tells them to be READY AT ALL TIMES for someone to take their picture. Sorry to shout at you, but he really wants to emphasize that point. READY AT ALL TIMES. Calm down, dude.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Instead, here's Kim and Nicole, you guessed it, shit-talking the other girls. I like a good joke at someone else's expense as much as the next guy, but this is just plain nasty. Kim comes and plays the harmonica for her best friend, Nicole. Well, best friend now that Sarah and Coryn and Kyle are gone. Hope you don't mind being a last resort, Nicole. Kim plays a sad little tune symbolizing Nicole's almost elimination, and a happy jig at the thought of Jayla's elimination. It's no Peter and the Wolf, but it'll suffice. Bre is still unhappy about the way Kim talks about everyone. She interviews that she's afraid the second she leaves the room, Kim is making fun of her. It's a valid point, though I don't think we've ever seen Kim say anything about Bre on-camera. Less valid is that Bre and Jayla complain about the backstabbers by...backstabbing them out on the smokers' patio. You can tell Bre is getting more and more upset about the whole Kim situation. There's even some patented Sassy Black Girl Finger Waving going on. Bitches gonna throw down!
Commercials. Watch Veronica Mars! Now with 100% less Kim!
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Bre and Nike sit around in various states of undress while Nike talks to her friend Visa on the phone. Bre, Nik, and Visa. I swear I'm not making any of these names up. Whatever happened to names like Katherine and Meredith? I swear. Anyway, Kim happens by, takes the phone from Nike and proceeds to actually insult Nike to her friend while Nike is sitting right there. This shit ain't right. Kim needs a beatdown. Fugly Lisa is anxious to get to London. God, me too. Some Tyra Mail awaits that tells them they have to get a photo taken before they leave. Arrrrgh! Nicole is looking forward to leaving because of all the crazy shit that's happening in the house. Um, does Nicole realize that the people causing the crazy shit are going with her? She is dumb as a post.
The next bit is boring. The girls are dropped at a "passport photo place" and meet the "passport photographer" so they can get their pictures taken for their "passports". Uh, huh. Yeah, they're getting their picture taken for a passport on the way to the airport. I totally believe that. Stop insulting my intelligence, Tyra. Anyway, the "passport photo" is a challenge about readiness or some such shit and Bre is randomly judged the winner. OK, then. She (and Nike) will get a prize in London. If they ever fucking get there! But first, the photographer product places some phone that can play video. Each of the girls has a message from home, but the only one worth mentioning is Jayla's, because she's got a freaky ass lookin' boyfriend. Yikes. Looks like the Unabomber and Adam Goldberg had a baby.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Instead, Bre and Nike whisper some more about Kim in the Monster Humvee. Kim hears them, and asks what they're talking about, and the fight is on. Bre and Nike confront Kim about her talking about the other girls. Kim denies talking about "everyone", which is...not really the point, there, Kim. Bre masterfully brings up some examples about Kim making fun of Jayla, which of course spurs Jayla on to tearfully attack Kim. Bre is an evil genius, y'all. Fugly Lisa is once again just happy to not be the target for once. Kim is getting more and more flustered, because somebody's finally calling her on her crap behavior. Nicole tries to calm the others, but gets shouted down. As a way of defending Kim, Nicole points out that everyone talks about everyone. It's true (for instance, where was Nike with this talk when Jayla slagged her?), but it's also true that Nicole is kind of Kim's cohort, so she's not exactly a paragon of virtue, either. Kim insists that she's never talked about Bre, but Bre's not buying it. Bre is getting sanctimonious here, which is unattractive, but she's essentially right. They appear to make up, but it looks like that's mostly for show, since Bre is interviewing about not being anyone's puppet and how she keeps her enemies close. Awkward little scene, there.
Commercials. Not even my love of Target will induce me to buy Choxie. Even the name makes me feel a little ill.
Now, off to London! Yes! We're there! The music is a dance remix of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". Because Mozart was so British. Miss J picks the girls up in a double decker bus and takes them on a tour of London. Sigh. I love London. Miss J drops the girls at a stunningly beautiful hotel, and gives them the room key. As the girls round a corner to enter the hotel, they are swarmed by "paparazzi". Come the fuck on, people. Embarrassing them for a challenge is fine. Expecting the audience to be taken in by this is not. The hotel room is beautiful, of course. Remember the cramped room the Cycle One girls had to share when they went to Paris? Ooh, I'll bet Robin is spitting mad as she watches this. From hell.
Two very charming English gentlemen come to pick up Bre and Nike for dinner as the reward for the whole passport photo thing. They eat. They talk. It's boring. I love me some charming English gentlemen, though. Mmmm. Back at the hotel, Kim has written an apology note to Nike. That's sweet (although again, as with Coryn's apology to Fugly Lisa, a face-to-face one would have meant much more). Of course, Kim then complains to Nicole that Nike and Bre "have the wrong impression" of her, which is not true. They have Kim dead to rights, and Kim's humiliated by that. That evening's Tyra Mail includes the word "call" and tells them to be ready at 7:30 the next morning. Yuck. The girls will still be all jet-lagged then. Nike and Bre find the apology letter. Kim is convinced everyone's in a live-and-let-live kind of mood. She's wrong.
Morning. Time for the photo shoot. OJ tells them that London is a paparazzi haven and that they have to be READY AT ALL TIMES to have their picture taken. Oh, good God. We get it! Even if it were true, we'd get it, and it's not! OJ makes up some bullshit trying to explain why they're forcing this latest torture on the girls: the photo shoot will be all six of them crammed into a phone booth. Heh. So, the girls will be semi-naked and covered with newspaper. Fair enough. OJ introduces the photographer, Nick, and the girls go into hair and makeup. The girls complain, but eventually all get into the booth. Bre's in the front first. Fugly Lisa farts. Ew. Fugly Lisa rotates to the front. Nike rotates to the front. Kim rotates to the front. Nicole rotates to the front. Jayla rotates to the front. The end. Tyra Mail back at the hotel announces that elimination looms, and Bre once again interviews about how she's gonna take her competition down. Yawn.
Commercials. A man walks out of his house and parasails down to his car. Buy this car! Why? Um...because that guy just parasailed to it! It must be good!
Our introduction to the English Chamber of Doom is a shot of Tyra and the two Jays warding off paparazzi. I'd like to meet a single person that's interested in a photo of OJ. Actually, I'd be interested in a photo of OJ, but only if I get a homemade voodoo kit first. Prizes blah. Judges blah. The guest judge is the photographer, Nick. The final challenge is actually the shot of the girls taken outside of the hotel. They'll be judged on their worst shot. Kim's up first. Her bad shot is, indeed, pretty bad. Did she get those sunglasses at Chuck E. Cheese's? Her phone booth picture is great, though. She really is learning to pose better. Bre. Nigel says the bad shot isn't so bad, but I don't like it. She looks like she's sneering. She's pretty as always in her phone booth shot, but I find it a little bland. The judges love it, though. Fugly Lisa. The bad shot is horrific. The phone booth one is good, though. Twiggy calls it the best photograph she's seen of Lisa. Nicole. I grow more and more bored with her by the week. She always looks the same. Her bad shot's not that bad, and her good shot's not that good. Zzzz. Tyra agrees with me. Jayla. Her bad shot's actually not bad at all, though I'm certainly not feeling those faux Jackie O. sunglasses. She doesn't look too bad in the phone booth shot, but it's not very commanding, either. In fact, as Nigel points out, your attention really goes to Fugly Lisa off to the side rather than Jayla. Not good. Nike. Her bad shot sucks. She needs to buy prettier glasses. Girls in glasses can be devastatingly beautiful, so why they insist on buying Harriet the Spy frames is beyond me. Her phone booth shot is lovely, though Tyra feels she turns to the side too much. I'd say she just knows her strengths is all.
Commercials. Walk the Line. Wait for DVD.
Deliberations. The judges feel that although Fugly Lisa has taken good photographs, her personality is too brash. They feel she won't get hired with her in-your-face attitude (read: girlfriend pissed herself on purpose last week). Tyra brags about getting a job based on her passport photo. We don't care, Tyra. Maybe I'm just bitter because my passport photo looks like I've been brought in on charges of soliciting sheep. Nobody likes Jayla. Elimination. Kim is safe. Bre. Nicole. Nike. Would Fugly Lisa and Jayla please step forward. Once again, I feel like this one's way too easy. Fugly Lisa has looked better than Jayla in every single photo shoot to date. Plus, Jayla's been edited as the villain, so it's about her time to go. Tyra gives each girl their criticisms. Fugly Lisa is too annoying. Jayla's too ugly. And...Jayla gets her photo, so Fugly Lisa is cut. Well, fuck! Who would have thought I'd be sorry to see her go? And yet I am. On first viewing, I was really angry and thought this elimination was unfair, but I knew there was no way in hell Lisa was going to win this season, so she may as well go now, even if it means I have to put up with Jayla some more. Fugly Lisa dredges up some class on the way out, interviewing that she tried her best. I'll say. We flash back not only on her photos, which have been remarkable, but on her crazy-ass behavior. I do have to say, I've liked Fugly Lisa. I've hated Fugly Lisa. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked pretty. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked...well, fugly. I've thought Fugly Lisa was a bitch who deserved to be belittled. I've thought Fugly Lisa was an unfair target of criticism. But there's one thing I'm sure of, and that is that Fugly Lisa is the star of Season 5. No question. And no doubt she finds comfort in that. Take care, you wackjob.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Nicole is attacked by birds. Well, you knew she had that coming after that whole "birds are blind" speech. Kim and Bre fight some more. Kick her ass, Bre!
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kim landed herself on Veronica Mars. The show, that is, not the character, which must have been disappointing for her. Fugly Lisa advised us all to eat a cookie. Jayla and Nicole found themselves in the bottom two, but nobody was eliminated. Instead, all the girls are off to London. Six girls still remain. Somebody had better be eliminated tonight.
Bel Air. Jayla and Nicole confessionalize that being in the bottom two sucks. Thanks, girls. Everyone is excited to go to London as they pack their bags. So off we go! Oh, wait. They're not going to London yet. First, they're going to have a visit from Jenny Shimizu. I've never heard of her, but apparently, she's an offbeat kind of model because she's tattooed and gay and such. Kim's thrilled to meet her. I wish I could say the same. I mean, she seems perfectly nice, but as with all the "Girls, meet somebody special!" segments, it's really fucking boring. Plus, Jenny just kind of fell into modeling, so she doesn't have much helpful advice for them.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Guess not. Instead, we watch Kim tell Fugly Lisa that she looks old (well, thirty - but the two are one and the same in that household), then shit-talks her when she leaves the room. Jeez, what a bitch. Bre interviews that she's noticed Kim gossiping about everyone, and hopes that everyone will leave all that crap behind when they go to London. Good luck with that, Bre. The girls get some Tyra Mail that tells them to be prepared to meet their ghosts from the past.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nope. Instead, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at some studio or other where they meet some Entertainment Tonight talking head. He tells the girls that as the winner of America's Next Top Model, they will be a celebrity; followed everywhere by people desperate for a picture of them. I want to laugh, but that's equal parts hilarious and insulting. Do the producers really think we'll buy that? Naima can hardly get four people to come to Walgreen's to get an autograph from her, and they want us to think that these girls will be viciously stalked by paparazzi? Right. Talking Head also tells the girls that there has been a photographer following them around, which they haven't noticed. He shows the girls bad photos that have been taken of them, and tells them to be READY AT ALL TIMES for someone to take their picture. Sorry to shout at you, but he really wants to emphasize that point. READY AT ALL TIMES. Calm down, dude.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Instead, here's Kim and Nicole, you guessed it, shit-talking the other girls. I like a good joke at someone else's expense as much as the next guy, but this is just plain nasty. Kim comes and plays the harmonica for her best friend, Nicole. Well, best friend now that Sarah and Coryn and Kyle are gone. Hope you don't mind being a last resort, Nicole. Kim plays a sad little tune symbolizing Nicole's almost elimination, and a happy jig at the thought of Jayla's elimination. It's no Peter and the Wolf, but it'll suffice. Bre is still unhappy about the way Kim talks about everyone. She interviews that she's afraid the second she leaves the room, Kim is making fun of her. It's a valid point, though I don't think we've ever seen Kim say anything about Bre on-camera. Less valid is that Bre and Jayla complain about the backstabbers by...backstabbing them out on the smokers' patio. You can tell Bre is getting more and more upset about the whole Kim situation. There's even some patented Sassy Black Girl Finger Waving going on. Bitches gonna throw down!
Commercials. Watch Veronica Mars! Now with 100% less Kim!
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Bre and Nike sit around in various states of undress while Nike talks to her friend Visa on the phone. Bre, Nik, and Visa. I swear I'm not making any of these names up. Whatever happened to names like Katherine and Meredith? I swear. Anyway, Kim happens by, takes the phone from Nike and proceeds to actually insult Nike to her friend while Nike is sitting right there. This shit ain't right. Kim needs a beatdown. Fugly Lisa is anxious to get to London. God, me too. Some Tyra Mail awaits that tells them they have to get a photo taken before they leave. Arrrrgh! Nicole is looking forward to leaving because of all the crazy shit that's happening in the house. Um, does Nicole realize that the people causing the crazy shit are going with her? She is dumb as a post.
The next bit is boring. The girls are dropped at a "passport photo place" and meet the "passport photographer" so they can get their pictures taken for their "passports". Uh, huh. Yeah, they're getting their picture taken for a passport on the way to the airport. I totally believe that. Stop insulting my intelligence, Tyra. Anyway, the "passport photo" is a challenge about readiness or some such shit and Bre is randomly judged the winner. OK, then. She (and Nike) will get a prize in London. If they ever fucking get there! But first, the photographer product places some phone that can play video. Each of the girls has a message from home, but the only one worth mentioning is Jayla's, because she's got a freaky ass lookin' boyfriend. Yikes. Looks like the Unabomber and Adam Goldberg had a baby.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Instead, Bre and Nike whisper some more about Kim in the Monster Humvee. Kim hears them, and asks what they're talking about, and the fight is on. Bre and Nike confront Kim about her talking about the other girls. Kim denies talking about "everyone", which is...not really the point, there, Kim. Bre masterfully brings up some examples about Kim making fun of Jayla, which of course spurs Jayla on to tearfully attack Kim. Bre is an evil genius, y'all. Fugly Lisa is once again just happy to not be the target for once. Kim is getting more and more flustered, because somebody's finally calling her on her crap behavior. Nicole tries to calm the others, but gets shouted down. As a way of defending Kim, Nicole points out that everyone talks about everyone. It's true (for instance, where was Nike with this talk when Jayla slagged her?), but it's also true that Nicole is kind of Kim's cohort, so she's not exactly a paragon of virtue, either. Kim insists that she's never talked about Bre, but Bre's not buying it. Bre is getting sanctimonious here, which is unattractive, but she's essentially right. They appear to make up, but it looks like that's mostly for show, since Bre is interviewing about not being anyone's puppet and how she keeps her enemies close. Awkward little scene, there.
Commercials. Not even my love of Target will induce me to buy Choxie. Even the name makes me feel a little ill.
Now, off to London! Yes! We're there! The music is a dance remix of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". Because Mozart was so British. Miss J picks the girls up in a double decker bus and takes them on a tour of London. Sigh. I love London. Miss J drops the girls at a stunningly beautiful hotel, and gives them the room key. As the girls round a corner to enter the hotel, they are swarmed by "paparazzi". Come the fuck on, people. Embarrassing them for a challenge is fine. Expecting the audience to be taken in by this is not. The hotel room is beautiful, of course. Remember the cramped room the Cycle One girls had to share when they went to Paris? Ooh, I'll bet Robin is spitting mad as she watches this. From hell.
Two very charming English gentlemen come to pick up Bre and Nike for dinner as the reward for the whole passport photo thing. They eat. They talk. It's boring. I love me some charming English gentlemen, though. Mmmm. Back at the hotel, Kim has written an apology note to Nike. That's sweet (although again, as with Coryn's apology to Fugly Lisa, a face-to-face one would have meant much more). Of course, Kim then complains to Nicole that Nike and Bre "have the wrong impression" of her, which is not true. They have Kim dead to rights, and Kim's humiliated by that. That evening's Tyra Mail includes the word "call" and tells them to be ready at 7:30 the next morning. Yuck. The girls will still be all jet-lagged then. Nike and Bre find the apology letter. Kim is convinced everyone's in a live-and-let-live kind of mood. She's wrong.
Morning. Time for the photo shoot. OJ tells them that London is a paparazzi haven and that they have to be READY AT ALL TIMES to have their picture taken. Oh, good God. We get it! Even if it were true, we'd get it, and it's not! OJ makes up some bullshit trying to explain why they're forcing this latest torture on the girls: the photo shoot will be all six of them crammed into a phone booth. Heh. So, the girls will be semi-naked and covered with newspaper. Fair enough. OJ introduces the photographer, Nick, and the girls go into hair and makeup. The girls complain, but eventually all get into the booth. Bre's in the front first. Fugly Lisa farts. Ew. Fugly Lisa rotates to the front. Nike rotates to the front. Kim rotates to the front. Nicole rotates to the front. Jayla rotates to the front. The end. Tyra Mail back at the hotel announces that elimination looms, and Bre once again interviews about how she's gonna take her competition down. Yawn.
Commercials. A man walks out of his house and parasails down to his car. Buy this car! Why? Um...because that guy just parasailed to it! It must be good!
Our introduction to the English Chamber of Doom is a shot of Tyra and the two Jays warding off paparazzi. I'd like to meet a single person that's interested in a photo of OJ. Actually, I'd be interested in a photo of OJ, but only if I get a homemade voodoo kit first. Prizes blah. Judges blah. The guest judge is the photographer, Nick. The final challenge is actually the shot of the girls taken outside of the hotel. They'll be judged on their worst shot. Kim's up first. Her bad shot is, indeed, pretty bad. Did she get those sunglasses at Chuck E. Cheese's? Her phone booth picture is great, though. She really is learning to pose better. Bre. Nigel says the bad shot isn't so bad, but I don't like it. She looks like she's sneering. She's pretty as always in her phone booth shot, but I find it a little bland. The judges love it, though. Fugly Lisa. The bad shot is horrific. The phone booth one is good, though. Twiggy calls it the best photograph she's seen of Lisa. Nicole. I grow more and more bored with her by the week. She always looks the same. Her bad shot's not that bad, and her good shot's not that good. Zzzz. Tyra agrees with me. Jayla. Her bad shot's actually not bad at all, though I'm certainly not feeling those faux Jackie O. sunglasses. She doesn't look too bad in the phone booth shot, but it's not very commanding, either. In fact, as Nigel points out, your attention really goes to Fugly Lisa off to the side rather than Jayla. Not good. Nike. Her bad shot sucks. She needs to buy prettier glasses. Girls in glasses can be devastatingly beautiful, so why they insist on buying Harriet the Spy frames is beyond me. Her phone booth shot is lovely, though Tyra feels she turns to the side too much. I'd say she just knows her strengths is all.
Commercials. Walk the Line. Wait for DVD.
Deliberations. The judges feel that although Fugly Lisa has taken good photographs, her personality is too brash. They feel she won't get hired with her in-your-face attitude (read: girlfriend pissed herself on purpose last week). Tyra brags about getting a job based on her passport photo. We don't care, Tyra. Maybe I'm just bitter because my passport photo looks like I've been brought in on charges of soliciting sheep. Nobody likes Jayla. Elimination. Kim is safe. Bre. Nicole. Nike. Would Fugly Lisa and Jayla please step forward. Once again, I feel like this one's way too easy. Fugly Lisa has looked better than Jayla in every single photo shoot to date. Plus, Jayla's been edited as the villain, so it's about her time to go. Tyra gives each girl their criticisms. Fugly Lisa is too annoying. Jayla's too ugly. And...Jayla gets her photo, so Fugly Lisa is cut. Well, fuck! Who would have thought I'd be sorry to see her go? And yet I am. On first viewing, I was really angry and thought this elimination was unfair, but I knew there was no way in hell Lisa was going to win this season, so she may as well go now, even if it means I have to put up with Jayla some more. Fugly Lisa dredges up some class on the way out, interviewing that she tried her best. I'll say. We flash back not only on her photos, which have been remarkable, but on her crazy-ass behavior. I do have to say, I've liked Fugly Lisa. I've hated Fugly Lisa. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked pretty. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked...well, fugly. I've thought Fugly Lisa was a bitch who deserved to be belittled. I've thought Fugly Lisa was an unfair target of criticism. But there's one thing I'm sure of, and that is that Fugly Lisa is the star of Season 5. No question. And no doubt she finds comfort in that. Take care, you wackjob.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Nicole is attacked by birds. Well, you knew she had that coming after that whole "birds are blind" speech. Kim and Bre fight some more. Kick her ass, Bre!
Overall Grade: C+
How's That Face Feel?
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 8
The Weavers suck.
The Weavers come in last.
The Weavers are saved by non-elimination.
Fuck this season.
Overall Grade: D-
The Weavers suck.
The Weavers come in last.
The Weavers are saved by non-elimination.
Fuck this season.
Overall Grade: D-
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The Girl Whose Boyfriend Is Cheating on Her
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 8
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Well, really it was a clip show, but the producers pretend that's not the case and tell us what happened two weeks ago. Fugly Lisa got dirty. Kim got girly. Kyle got eliminated. Boo! She was so the prettiest contestant. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight? Because, you know, somebody totally will be!
Bel Air. Kyle Mail! She's left a note wishing all the remaining girls luck. Kim cries in the confessional because she and Kyle were such good friends (read: Kim unloaded a bunch of crap, and Kyle listened to it). Bre is also upset because she was in the bottom two. Hey, yeah! She had no business there, either! What the crap was Tyra thinking? Fugly Lisa interviews that the other girls are considering her more of a threat now. I don't like how self-impressed Fugly Lisa is, but she's probably right. Tyra Mail! Somehow, the girls figure out just from the word "diva" that they'll be meeting Eva, the winner of Cycle 3. They're all excited, especially Bre, who's the most extroverted I've ever seen her as she rushes off to do her hair. Hee.
The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a studio called Poodle Parlor. It's official. All the good names for businesses are taken, so people have to resort to shit like that now. Eva is getting her picture taken in a not-at-all-staged-by-the-show photo shoot. Man, she doesn't even look like herself anymore. There are some magazine editors present as well. One of them is named Samara, and has long, dark hair, so she'll probably be crawling out of televisions to kill everyone any second now. Woo! That ought to spice up this episode. Kim and Nike laugh about how Kim has a little crush on Eva. Aw. Eva introduces the concept of entourages. One of her entourage members is her cousin. Ouch for him. After the "photo shoot", Eva sits down to answer the girls' questions. Oh, holy hell, she has an honest-to-God lap dog with her. Does she think she's Joan Crawford? None of the questions or answers are worth revisiting, of course.
After Eva takes off, Fugly Lisa wanders around and talks to various crew people standing around. Everyone looks totally bored. Here's a hint, Tyra. When the people on-screen are bored, think about the poor audience at home watching them be bored. Fugly Lisa interviews that talking to these people could be useful for her career (she calls it "networking"), but it's obvious she's just trying to kill some time. I doubt Eva's cousin is really going to be her springboard into the world of high fashion.
Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa interviews that the air is thick with tension, so to lessen the pressure, she dresses up as this kind of trucker meets prostitute person and walks around talking to the girls. None of them are amused. I am, though. She even goes into the confessional and does an interview (in the trucker/prostitute character, of course) about how the other girls need to lighten up. Hehe. That was awesome. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa has "lost her damn mind". Man, these girls do need to lighten up.
Commercials. I don't want kids ever, but that commercial where the baby presses the "M" on the learning pad thingy, and then says "Mama" tugs at my heartstrings. The mother's like 43, though. They couldn't have gotten a younger actress?
Tyra Mail. It's typically nonsensical. The Monster Humvee takes them to the "fashion district" of LA. Is there a fashion district? That's not what they call a bunch of clothing stores in a row, is it? Because I'd call that a mall. The girls are taken to another studio. Kim is wearing another goddamned striped sailor shirt. I'm more sick of those than I am of the airbrushed tank tops I still catch a glimpse of from time to time. I do like the return of Jayla's Italy shirt, though. What? It's a cool shirt! I'm wasting time describing the girls' outfits, because the next segment is a total bore. Basically, the girls select an entourage of their own, select makeup and clothes and whatnot, and also create a collage that helps express what's unique about them. They then present them for a prize. Simple, right? Really, though, it's just an excuse to show a guy from Cover Girl wandering around extolling the virtues of several products. I'm just going to skip all that crap.
That evening, the girls go to yet another studio for the presentation. There's a flunky there who says that they'll be presenting their collages to Benny Medina, who's apparently a big deal. I will soon know that at least Benny Medina thinks Benny Medina is a big deal. The flunky tells them that whoever exhibits the most star power will win a guest shot on this week's episode of Veronica Mars. Yes, I see a hand in the back. Uh, huh. The question is what on God's green Earth do collages have to do with demonstrating "star power"? The answer is "nothing". Thanks for a great question. On to the challenge! Nike's up first. She barely gets her name out of her mouth before Benny becomes a complete asshole towards her. In fact, he's like that with all the girls, so let's just hit the salient points with this equally boring segment. All of the collages look like something you'd find at a fourth-grade girl scout meeting. Oh, I wish I hadn't typed that, because now I'm craving Girl Scout cookies. Damn. Fugly Lisa actually works herself up into tears during her presentation. She seems a bit overwhelmed by the prize at stake. Of course none of the clothes, makeup, or hair the girls had factored into the challenge at all, so thanks for wasting our time with that crap, show. Anyway, Kim is randomly judged the winner. Whatever.
Well, they say bad things come in threes, so let's have our third boring segment in a row. Kim goes to the set of Veronica Mars. She reads her lines. And.....scene! Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa passive-aggressively tells Kim she's happy for her win. Kim reports this to us via confessional at which Nicole is randomly present as well. Thanks for explaining that to us, show. I'm not sure I would have made the logical leap without the interview.
Commercials. I love Old Navy jeans, but this newest commercial is so vapid and insulting that I may have to boycott them, and fulfill my denim needs elsewhere.
Photo shoot. OJ explains that the girls will get to act all mad and cut loose for the photo. Fugly Lisa smiles because she knows this is right up her alley. OJ also introduces the girls to the photographer, Nadia, who's wearing ugly glasses in an unsuccessful attempt to look hip. After some hair and makeup work, the girls are also introduced to the agents that will be causing the anger in their shots; the MTV wildboyz. You'll forgive me for not knowing who these gentlemen are. MTV hasn't really been my thing since...well, I think the last time I watched MTV, Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" video was playing, so there you go. Bre does her best sassy black chick voice as she tells one of them (the dwarf - dwarf is a PC term, right? I just have to avoid "midget"?) that she thinks he's going to be a problem. He tries to joke back with her, but she gives him the stone-face. Oooh, you don't mess with Bre.
Begin! Fugly Lisa's up first. Her scenario is finding the boys putting on her makeup. OK, then. She actually embraces the "crazy lady" persona a little too heartily. She needs to remember that she's still got to pose for the camera. Bre's scenario is that she's wrapped in a towel, and the boys have stolen her underwear. She's OK, but really gets the good shots when she becomes actually pissed that the boys start flinging panties in her face. Not that I expect her to thank them for it or anything, because...panties in the face. Nicole's scenario is that she's caught the boys (as her boyfriends) cheating on her with Kim. HAHAHAHA! BECAUSE KIM'S GAY!!!! GET IT? Whatever. Anyway, Nicole sucks, because she's laughing through the whole thing. Jayla's scenario is that the boys are feeding her dog pizza. She's not allowed to really scream, because she might frighten the dog. Well, that's kind of unfair. She does the best she can with her silent shrieks. Nike's scenario is that the boys have stolen her dresses. She screams as the boys jump up and down behind her. What she doesn't know is that with each leap, one of the boys' dicks flops out, which makes everyone laugh. Also a bit unfair. That's distracting! Oh, whatever. It's like a massive whatever just hangs over this entire episode. Kim's scenario is that she's mad that the boys are...jumping into the pool. WHATEVER.
After the shoot, the boys start paying attention to Nicole. Fugly Lisa, sensing the spotlight is not on her, comes into the room wearing the guys' underwear fashioned into a bulky diaper. Everyone's on to her game, even the boys, who call her "so Fatal Attraction". Yowch. Bre, in the highlight of the episode, goes outside, leans over to Jayla, and says "Why is she wearing a diaper, again?" Jayla: "I don't know." Bre: "OK, just thought I'd ask." Then, Fugly Lisa pees herself. On purpose. Mission accomplished. Attention gotten. Now, I'd like to ask her a question. Do you think Tyra is going to allow the winner of this season to be The Girl Who Pissed Herself For a Laugh? Bre nails it again when she says that no model would do something as disgusting as pee on herself at her job. Hey, yeah! I was just viewing it in terms of the show and the competition, but in a way, these photo shoots are the girls' job, which makes Fugly Lisa's stunt even more crass. There's a million interviews that boil down to the fact that the other girls think she's gross and crazy. She's not crazy, she's just an attention whore. Gross, I won't dispute.
Commercials. Shut up, Papa John. I like your garlic sauce, but that doesn't mean I need your overexcited ass on my TV.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow, the girls meet with the judges and only five will continue on. Someone's getting eliminated. Well, we have no reason to doubt the Tyra Mail. Everyone's nervous. We go into the Chamber of Doom on a pretty disturbing shot of Tyra being tended to by her entourage. Why do we have to hear the prizes every damn week? The judges are introduced, along with guest judge Nadia, the photographer this week. The final challenge is to take a product and do poses with it. The items are toothpaste (print model), sunglasses (high fashion editorial) and chocolate (television endorsement). Nicole's typically flaky. Fugly Lisa's typically overexcited. Everyone else does fine. Well, they don't do fine with the chocolate endorsement. Most of the girls suck at it. Except Bre. Bre does a sultry voiceover about the chocolate, and just blows the judges away. Nigel even closes his eyes. Attagirl! What's even more brilliant is that after she's done, she screws her face up in disgust and says "I hate chocolate." Hah!
Photo deliberations. Nadia's put on the ugly glasses again. Girl, you can find more attractive frames at fucking Lenscrafters. Get on it. Jayla. The judges aren't thrilled with her product challenge, and say that her photo looks like a blow-up doll. They're totally right. Ugh. Nike. She did so-so at the product challenge, but her photo is great. She manages to be pretty and yet still look like she's screaming mad. Kim. Also so-so on the challenge. I'm surprised at how good her photo is. The judges like it, too. Fugly Lisa. As the judges discuss her product challenge, there's an obvious overdub just so that Tyra can show a shot of herself from earlier modeling days. Jeez, Tyra. You're a model, you've got this show, and you've got a talk show. Need we feed the ego this much? Her photo is not very good, which is just as surprising as Kim's good shot. You'd think Fugly Lisa would nail this photo shoot. But she's gone too far in being angry, and it doesn't translate well for the picture. Bre. The judges love, love, love her product challenge, though they give her some shit for trying to cover up her kind of working-class personality. Wow, that's almost as insulting as when they cut Diane for not having a "plus-size personality". Shut up, judges. They do love her photo, though. Nicole. She gets a solid meh on all counts.
Commercials. I'm not surprised Wendy's is running an entire line of ads playfully suggesting that you can hypnotize people into doing your bidding with their burgers. It's not as if they could sell them based on flavor or nutritional value.
Deliberations. Nadia says point blank that Fugly Lisa could never be a model. Tyra tries to speak up for her personality (that'd be the drunk, pee herself for a laugh personality), but Nadia remains firm. There's a shot of Twiggy saying that she loves the way Jayla looks, and I can almost swear that she's actually saying it about one of the other girls (she never uses Jayla's name), and that the editors put that in so that it looks like not all of the judges were all "ew". Just a hunch on my part. Tyra says that they've reached a decision, and that it's "strange". Hmm. "Elimination". Bre is safe. Yay! Kim is safe. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Would Jayla and Nicole please step forward? Oh, please let it be Jayla going home. Tyra criticizes both of them (fairly - neither of them did well this week), and tells them that both of them must pack their bags. At this point, I'm surprised, but willing to see Nicole go down if it means Jayla goes as well. But they're not packing their bags for elimination! They're going to London! All six of them! Nobody is eliminated! A few of those fuzzy-hatted guards come out. There's red, white, and blue confetti. There's a hilarious shot of Nicole looking extremely unamused that Tyra pulled this trick on her. Everyone dances around (including the guards). Nobody fades out.
Well, fuck. We finally came thisclose to getting rid of Jayla, and she gets to stay? Boo. Plus, how is this decision "strange"? It obviously came about because of Cassandra's exit from the competition. The producers were left with a certain amount of episodes and not enough girls to fill them. Solution? Don't eliminate anybody one week. I don't know how I'd feel about this fakeout if it weren't Jayla on the chopping block, but as it is? I'm not a fan.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Kim's gossip habit blows up in her face. Sounds good.
Overall grade: C-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Well, really it was a clip show, but the producers pretend that's not the case and tell us what happened two weeks ago. Fugly Lisa got dirty. Kim got girly. Kyle got eliminated. Boo! She was so the prettiest contestant. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight? Because, you know, somebody totally will be!
Bel Air. Kyle Mail! She's left a note wishing all the remaining girls luck. Kim cries in the confessional because she and Kyle were such good friends (read: Kim unloaded a bunch of crap, and Kyle listened to it). Bre is also upset because she was in the bottom two. Hey, yeah! She had no business there, either! What the crap was Tyra thinking? Fugly Lisa interviews that the other girls are considering her more of a threat now. I don't like how self-impressed Fugly Lisa is, but she's probably right. Tyra Mail! Somehow, the girls figure out just from the word "diva" that they'll be meeting Eva, the winner of Cycle 3. They're all excited, especially Bre, who's the most extroverted I've ever seen her as she rushes off to do her hair. Hee.
The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a studio called Poodle Parlor. It's official. All the good names for businesses are taken, so people have to resort to shit like that now. Eva is getting her picture taken in a not-at-all-staged-by-the-show photo shoot. Man, she doesn't even look like herself anymore. There are some magazine editors present as well. One of them is named Samara, and has long, dark hair, so she'll probably be crawling out of televisions to kill everyone any second now. Woo! That ought to spice up this episode. Kim and Nike laugh about how Kim has a little crush on Eva. Aw. Eva introduces the concept of entourages. One of her entourage members is her cousin. Ouch for him. After the "photo shoot", Eva sits down to answer the girls' questions. Oh, holy hell, she has an honest-to-God lap dog with her. Does she think she's Joan Crawford? None of the questions or answers are worth revisiting, of course.
After Eva takes off, Fugly Lisa wanders around and talks to various crew people standing around. Everyone looks totally bored. Here's a hint, Tyra. When the people on-screen are bored, think about the poor audience at home watching them be bored. Fugly Lisa interviews that talking to these people could be useful for her career (she calls it "networking"), but it's obvious she's just trying to kill some time. I doubt Eva's cousin is really going to be her springboard into the world of high fashion.
Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa interviews that the air is thick with tension, so to lessen the pressure, she dresses up as this kind of trucker meets prostitute person and walks around talking to the girls. None of them are amused. I am, though. She even goes into the confessional and does an interview (in the trucker/prostitute character, of course) about how the other girls need to lighten up. Hehe. That was awesome. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa has "lost her damn mind". Man, these girls do need to lighten up.
Commercials. I don't want kids ever, but that commercial where the baby presses the "M" on the learning pad thingy, and then says "Mama" tugs at my heartstrings. The mother's like 43, though. They couldn't have gotten a younger actress?
Tyra Mail. It's typically nonsensical. The Monster Humvee takes them to the "fashion district" of LA. Is there a fashion district? That's not what they call a bunch of clothing stores in a row, is it? Because I'd call that a mall. The girls are taken to another studio. Kim is wearing another goddamned striped sailor shirt. I'm more sick of those than I am of the airbrushed tank tops I still catch a glimpse of from time to time. I do like the return of Jayla's Italy shirt, though. What? It's a cool shirt! I'm wasting time describing the girls' outfits, because the next segment is a total bore. Basically, the girls select an entourage of their own, select makeup and clothes and whatnot, and also create a collage that helps express what's unique about them. They then present them for a prize. Simple, right? Really, though, it's just an excuse to show a guy from Cover Girl wandering around extolling the virtues of several products. I'm just going to skip all that crap.
That evening, the girls go to yet another studio for the presentation. There's a flunky there who says that they'll be presenting their collages to Benny Medina, who's apparently a big deal. I will soon know that at least Benny Medina thinks Benny Medina is a big deal. The flunky tells them that whoever exhibits the most star power will win a guest shot on this week's episode of Veronica Mars. Yes, I see a hand in the back. Uh, huh. The question is what on God's green Earth do collages have to do with demonstrating "star power"? The answer is "nothing". Thanks for a great question. On to the challenge! Nike's up first. She barely gets her name out of her mouth before Benny becomes a complete asshole towards her. In fact, he's like that with all the girls, so let's just hit the salient points with this equally boring segment. All of the collages look like something you'd find at a fourth-grade girl scout meeting. Oh, I wish I hadn't typed that, because now I'm craving Girl Scout cookies. Damn. Fugly Lisa actually works herself up into tears during her presentation. She seems a bit overwhelmed by the prize at stake. Of course none of the clothes, makeup, or hair the girls had factored into the challenge at all, so thanks for wasting our time with that crap, show. Anyway, Kim is randomly judged the winner. Whatever.
Well, they say bad things come in threes, so let's have our third boring segment in a row. Kim goes to the set of Veronica Mars. She reads her lines. And.....scene! Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa passive-aggressively tells Kim she's happy for her win. Kim reports this to us via confessional at which Nicole is randomly present as well. Thanks for explaining that to us, show. I'm not sure I would have made the logical leap without the interview.
Commercials. I love Old Navy jeans, but this newest commercial is so vapid and insulting that I may have to boycott them, and fulfill my denim needs elsewhere.
Photo shoot. OJ explains that the girls will get to act all mad and cut loose for the photo. Fugly Lisa smiles because she knows this is right up her alley. OJ also introduces the girls to the photographer, Nadia, who's wearing ugly glasses in an unsuccessful attempt to look hip. After some hair and makeup work, the girls are also introduced to the agents that will be causing the anger in their shots; the MTV wildboyz. You'll forgive me for not knowing who these gentlemen are. MTV hasn't really been my thing since...well, I think the last time I watched MTV, Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" video was playing, so there you go. Bre does her best sassy black chick voice as she tells one of them (the dwarf - dwarf is a PC term, right? I just have to avoid "midget"?) that she thinks he's going to be a problem. He tries to joke back with her, but she gives him the stone-face. Oooh, you don't mess with Bre.
Begin! Fugly Lisa's up first. Her scenario is finding the boys putting on her makeup. OK, then. She actually embraces the "crazy lady" persona a little too heartily. She needs to remember that she's still got to pose for the camera. Bre's scenario is that she's wrapped in a towel, and the boys have stolen her underwear. She's OK, but really gets the good shots when she becomes actually pissed that the boys start flinging panties in her face. Not that I expect her to thank them for it or anything, because...panties in the face. Nicole's scenario is that she's caught the boys (as her boyfriends) cheating on her with Kim. HAHAHAHA! BECAUSE KIM'S GAY!!!! GET IT? Whatever. Anyway, Nicole sucks, because she's laughing through the whole thing. Jayla's scenario is that the boys are feeding her dog pizza. She's not allowed to really scream, because she might frighten the dog. Well, that's kind of unfair. She does the best she can with her silent shrieks. Nike's scenario is that the boys have stolen her dresses. She screams as the boys jump up and down behind her. What she doesn't know is that with each leap, one of the boys' dicks flops out, which makes everyone laugh. Also a bit unfair. That's distracting! Oh, whatever. It's like a massive whatever just hangs over this entire episode. Kim's scenario is that she's mad that the boys are...jumping into the pool. WHATEVER.
After the shoot, the boys start paying attention to Nicole. Fugly Lisa, sensing the spotlight is not on her, comes into the room wearing the guys' underwear fashioned into a bulky diaper. Everyone's on to her game, even the boys, who call her "so Fatal Attraction". Yowch. Bre, in the highlight of the episode, goes outside, leans over to Jayla, and says "Why is she wearing a diaper, again?" Jayla: "I don't know." Bre: "OK, just thought I'd ask." Then, Fugly Lisa pees herself. On purpose. Mission accomplished. Attention gotten. Now, I'd like to ask her a question. Do you think Tyra is going to allow the winner of this season to be The Girl Who Pissed Herself For a Laugh? Bre nails it again when she says that no model would do something as disgusting as pee on herself at her job. Hey, yeah! I was just viewing it in terms of the show and the competition, but in a way, these photo shoots are the girls' job, which makes Fugly Lisa's stunt even more crass. There's a million interviews that boil down to the fact that the other girls think she's gross and crazy. She's not crazy, she's just an attention whore. Gross, I won't dispute.
Commercials. Shut up, Papa John. I like your garlic sauce, but that doesn't mean I need your overexcited ass on my TV.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow, the girls meet with the judges and only five will continue on. Someone's getting eliminated. Well, we have no reason to doubt the Tyra Mail. Everyone's nervous. We go into the Chamber of Doom on a pretty disturbing shot of Tyra being tended to by her entourage. Why do we have to hear the prizes every damn week? The judges are introduced, along with guest judge Nadia, the photographer this week. The final challenge is to take a product and do poses with it. The items are toothpaste (print model), sunglasses (high fashion editorial) and chocolate (television endorsement). Nicole's typically flaky. Fugly Lisa's typically overexcited. Everyone else does fine. Well, they don't do fine with the chocolate endorsement. Most of the girls suck at it. Except Bre. Bre does a sultry voiceover about the chocolate, and just blows the judges away. Nigel even closes his eyes. Attagirl! What's even more brilliant is that after she's done, she screws her face up in disgust and says "I hate chocolate." Hah!
Photo deliberations. Nadia's put on the ugly glasses again. Girl, you can find more attractive frames at fucking Lenscrafters. Get on it. Jayla. The judges aren't thrilled with her product challenge, and say that her photo looks like a blow-up doll. They're totally right. Ugh. Nike. She did so-so at the product challenge, but her photo is great. She manages to be pretty and yet still look like she's screaming mad. Kim. Also so-so on the challenge. I'm surprised at how good her photo is. The judges like it, too. Fugly Lisa. As the judges discuss her product challenge, there's an obvious overdub just so that Tyra can show a shot of herself from earlier modeling days. Jeez, Tyra. You're a model, you've got this show, and you've got a talk show. Need we feed the ego this much? Her photo is not very good, which is just as surprising as Kim's good shot. You'd think Fugly Lisa would nail this photo shoot. But she's gone too far in being angry, and it doesn't translate well for the picture. Bre. The judges love, love, love her product challenge, though they give her some shit for trying to cover up her kind of working-class personality. Wow, that's almost as insulting as when they cut Diane for not having a "plus-size personality". Shut up, judges. They do love her photo, though. Nicole. She gets a solid meh on all counts.
Commercials. I'm not surprised Wendy's is running an entire line of ads playfully suggesting that you can hypnotize people into doing your bidding with their burgers. It's not as if they could sell them based on flavor or nutritional value.
Deliberations. Nadia says point blank that Fugly Lisa could never be a model. Tyra tries to speak up for her personality (that'd be the drunk, pee herself for a laugh personality), but Nadia remains firm. There's a shot of Twiggy saying that she loves the way Jayla looks, and I can almost swear that she's actually saying it about one of the other girls (she never uses Jayla's name), and that the editors put that in so that it looks like not all of the judges were all "ew". Just a hunch on my part. Tyra says that they've reached a decision, and that it's "strange". Hmm. "Elimination". Bre is safe. Yay! Kim is safe. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Would Jayla and Nicole please step forward? Oh, please let it be Jayla going home. Tyra criticizes both of them (fairly - neither of them did well this week), and tells them that both of them must pack their bags. At this point, I'm surprised, but willing to see Nicole go down if it means Jayla goes as well. But they're not packing their bags for elimination! They're going to London! All six of them! Nobody is eliminated! A few of those fuzzy-hatted guards come out. There's red, white, and blue confetti. There's a hilarious shot of Nicole looking extremely unamused that Tyra pulled this trick on her. Everyone dances around (including the guards). Nobody fades out.
Well, fuck. We finally came thisclose to getting rid of Jayla, and she gets to stay? Boo. Plus, how is this decision "strange"? It obviously came about because of Cassandra's exit from the competition. The producers were left with a certain amount of episodes and not enough girls to fill them. Solution? Don't eliminate anybody one week. I don't know how I'd feel about this fakeout if it weren't Jayla on the chopping block, but as it is? I'm not a fan.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Kim's gossip habit blows up in her face. Sounds good.
Overall grade: C-
Thursday, November 10, 2005
The Girl Who Stepped on the Pretty Flowers
America's Next Top Model - Season 5 Bonus Episode
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Actual new content. This week, we've been faked out and tricked into watching a clip show so that people can catch up. I'd complain that there aren't likely to be new viewers that need this additional information, but then, I started watching Cycle 4 when it was down to about six girls, so I guess I should shut my fat yap.
Rather than recapping things I've already written about, I think I'll just mostly touch on the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.] Being anal-retentive rocks!
We open on some shots of Tyra. You know, Tyra's often way too impressed with herself, but I do have to say that she knows how to rock a photograph. We are briefly hurdled back in time to see Adrianne (who I like a lot less now these days than I did when she was on the show), Yoanna (who?), Eva (who deserved to win, but whose My Life As A CoverGirl spots really got on my last nerve), and Naima (yay!) win their various cycles. We also see some of the horrifically awful audition tapes that opened this cycle, only this time I can put some names with the faces. That girl I called out as a tramp-oline back in episode 1? Jayla. Shocking.
[36 women were cut down to thirteen. Remember Nicole begging on her knees to be chosen? Ew. She's come a long way. We also get to relive the heartache of Redheaded Regina, who I still wish would have been chosen. Really, she would have been more interesting than Coryn, for God's sake. Plus, I could have called her Redgina! Ah, what might have been.]
[A jerky-looking Robin Leach ushered the girls into the model pad. Not jerky in the "mean" sort of way. Jerky in the "beef" sort of way. Kim's gay.]
Cassandra flicks water from her toothbrush onto Kyle. Kyle's all like "What the hell?" Cassandra jokes that she likes to pick on Kyle because she's too cute, and brings up the titular line about how when she sees a really pretty flower, she just wants to step on it. This is a good example of the editors trying their damnedest to make Cassandra look like a bitch, and failing. Yeah, that comment's a bit...disturbing, in its way, but Cassandra is clearly kidding around, and she flicked, like, two drops of water onto Kyle. Kyle doesn't even seem to care that much, though Kim looks furious. Lighten up, Kim. [We also get that awesome line about how psychopaths can kill without emotion that has been, to date, the one time someone rendered Fugly Lisa speechless. Sweet.]
Ashley brags about her experience with fashion and such. She gives some pretty accurate predictions on what the girls will have for their makeovers, actually. Oh, except when she predicts what they'll do to her. Mwahahahaha! She babbles on and on about her hair. Nicole hates her guts, and this is still at the point where Nicole was no Mary Likable herself, so take from that what you will.
[The girls did that stupid, boring fashion show with Nate Dogg as the narrator, and Sarah tripped so much, you'd think she was on acid.] Why they didn't include what follows in the original episode is beyond me, because it would have made the fashion show infinitely more interesting. Apparently Jayla, who has known Kim for all of two days, walks up to her, pokes her in the stomach, and says something like "Girl, you need to suck in that stomach." She claims in an interview that she was kidding, but so what? Telling someone you just met that they're fat is acceptable if you're joking? Not so much. Kim is not amused. [But, of course, that was the night that Sarah sprang across the Monster Humvee and made out with her, so that probably cheered her up.]
Back at the house, a bird has invaded the model pad. Kyle opines that he's blind, because all he does is run into stuff. Nicole says that all birds are blind. Kyle gets a hilarious look on her face, like "this girl is a moron", but politely says "Are you sure?". Nicole rambles on and on that she knows birds are blind because they're always almost running into cars and stuff, but they can sense where they are through hearing or whatever. I'm glad Nicole's trying to break into modeling, because somehow I doubt she'd go far in the field of, say, biochemistry. Kyle gently tries to disabuse her of this notion by saying that she was sure that her pet bird could see. Nicole responds that maybe it's just the outside birds that are blind. The entire purpose of this scene? Nicole is kind of dumb. Heh.
[Superhero photo shoot.] Ebony and Nicole shit-talk Cassandra. Jayla shit-talks Diane. Now, this is an interesting situation, because in the former, I feel like the editors are trying to make us feel sorry for Ebony and Nicole in a "Isn't Cassandra annoying?" kind of way. In the latter, they're trying to make us feel sorry for Diane in a "Isn't Jayla a bitch?" kind of way. It's a subtle shift, but I still feel like it's there. Of course, I totally agree that Jayla's a bitch, but again, instead of seeing Cassandra engaging in annoying behavior, all we hear is second-hand opinion that someone thinks she's annoying. It makes me think that they're trying to portray Cassandra as way more obnoxious than she really is, and that's really unfair. [Ashley sucks at the photo shoot.] Back at the model pad, Jayla continues her mean streak. Even Nicole interviews that Jayla has no social graces. Ouch. That would be like Carrot Top calling someone annoying. Not only that, but Fugly Lisa tells Jayla that she says things faster than she thinks about it. I think the universe just imploded. Jayla does that "accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" speech that didn't work when the Weavers gave it on The Amazing Race, and doesn't work now. The point isn't for other people to adapt to your bitchiness. The point is for you to stop being such a goddamn bitch. [Ashley was cut.]
Commercials. I've read some really interesting articles and had some fascinating conversations with people lately about Rent. We're supposed to identify and sympathize with this group of friends, who, in the final analysis, refuse to get jobs to pay their rent, because they're such sensitive artistes. Regular jobs are beneath them. As a musical, it's great (and hopefully the movie will be too), but if these were real life people? I'd probably snort at them in disgust.
Coryn has brought along a fart machine to the model pad. I guess that's why there was no room for the eyebrow tweezers. She wants to try and trick the girls into thinking she's really farting. It looks like the only one she suckers is Nicole. Shocker. The whole segment is really juvenile, but I have to admit I giggled through it. I'm not made of stone! [Time for the makeovers. Oh, dear. I don't think anyone has to see this again. It's all burned into our brains. Tyra brings up the fact that at one time, each girl was supposed to have their own personal style that they'd use throughout the competition. Man, am I glad they dropped that idea. Cassandra gets all her hair chopped off and looks terrible, while Kyle looks completely amazing. *sniff* I miss Kyle.] Jayla again tries to kid with Kim (this time about her makeover), and it again comes out as sounding completely bitchy. She whinily interviews that the other girls don't "get" her sense of humor. Well then maybe you ought to stop "joking". Besides, I thought Jayla didn't care what people thought of her. Wasn't that the point of the whole "people have to get used to the shit I say, because I'm not changing" speech? You can be a rude loner or you can whine about inability to cultivate friends, Jayla. Not both.
[Cassandra cries and cries about her hair. The other girls get fed up with her. Girl-of-the-country photo shoot. Ebony sucks.] Fugly Lisa tries to play with the horse and it bucks out of her grip. Heh. Back at the house, Jayla shows off her six-inch stiletto heels. Yowch. Reason #4,593,935 I'm glad I'm not female. She hilariously interviews that she doesn't have one set best friend in the house, that she "tries to be cool with everybody." Um, Jayla? Try harder. In this segment, Bre has her hair tied up in a bandana, and is trying to walk on Jayla's shoes, so it almost looks like Aunt Jemima is working the catwalk. Cripes. In the confessional, Nicole and Ebony make fun of Jayla. Man, Nicole and Ebony are vicious when they get together. Jayla then makes the following two statements consecutively: In an interview: "Towards the end of the night, I just want to go to bed; I want everyone to just leave me alone." In bed, talking to Nike, who's standing in the doorway: "I'm sick of having to, like, butt in on everybody's conversations. Nobody ever comes to me. No-one ever wants to talk to me." Wow, let's delve into this psychosis, shall we? 1) Look at those two statements together. Yeah. 2) Hmm, maybe people would come talk to her if she WEREN'T SUCH A RANCID ASS, which she was just bragging about. 3) Who's the one sympathetically nodding her head in the doorway? Who's the one listening to Jayla unload her problems? Nike. How does Jayla repay her? By stealing her secret, then referring to Nike as a stupid, stupid bitch. Wow, I hate Jayla. I'm seriously running out of ways to call her a bitch. I need an insult thesaurus. Let's watch another example of her twisted logic! The girls are doing stripper dances in the kitchen. Jayla complains in an interview that she's not in the mood to join in. Then she joins in by running around topless (though she was just saying she wanted people to leave her alone so she could go to bed). Then she interviews that she's so, so glad she did something funny that wasn't taken the wrong way. What color is the sky in Jayla's world? Do the trains run on time? [Ebony was cut.]
Commercials. Heh, there's an ad for a local community college, which makes me wonder if Nicole should fill out an application. But who knows? She might win this season. It's not out of the realm of possibility.
[Tyra joins the girls for dinner.] They're joined by an ugly drag queen. They do model walks. Tyra walks too. Kim is impressed. [The girls did their poolside walking challenge. Sarah sucks.] Nicole is exposed as a nail-biter. The bird is back in the model pad. Kyle is on the phone, explaining that they named him Mr. Bojangles. He flies around. The girls scream a lot. This part is really boring. Oh! Except that while the girls are shrieking, Jayla's in the confessional. She hears them screaming, and gives the camera a look like "please shoot me in the head right now." Hahahaha! That was hilarious, and was my first liking Jayla moment, ever. [Cassandra complains some more about her hair. The girls did the runway challenge where there was a rotating platform. Sue Wong uses the non-word "gracefulness", which I didn't notice until just now. Stop making up words, Sue Wong. English is in enough danger as it is. Sarah sucked some more. Sarah and Kim make out and possibly do it. Fashion witch photo shoot. Cassandra refused to cut her hair further and was cut (or quit).] Cassandra leaves the rest of the girls a note wishing them luck. The other girls are semi-sympathetic, but Kyle makes the valid point that she should have expected it, and that her spot in the competition could have gone to a girl that really wanted to be there. Like Redgina! Sorry, I just like typing that. Redgina! Jayla bitches that she had a much better attitude than Cassandra about the hair cutting, which is true, but then, Jayla's hair didn't look like molten puke when they were done, so she can go back to shutting up. Bre points out that the other girls don't really care about Cassandra's leaving, because they have selfish intentions. Ouch. [Sarah was cut.]
Commercials. When the ad for Derailed comes on, my good movie radar pings, but I may be getting a false positive from Clive Owen's hotness. Stupid good-looking actors always throw the radar out of whack. That's how I got tricked into watching Closer.
[Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves by giving unsolicited advice. Especially Coryn. The girls did their critiques of each other, which only fueled Coryn's hatred of Fugly Lisa.] Kim plays harmonica. All right, then. It's kind of dumb, except when she sneaks up on Bre and blows a note right behind her. And, when she uses the harmonica to punctuate making fun of Nigel. Hehehe. [Fake plastic surgery photo shoot with Janice. Diane was cut.] Kim jokes that she's the new plus-sized model of the group. Jeez. We'll use this as Exhibit A the next time Tyra tries to give the girls a PSA about eating disorders, because while I love this show, promoting healthy body image it does not.
[Firming-mask fake promotion with that obnoxious, unamusing "comedian". Fugly Lisa does dumb dance moves. Coryn makes a comment about it that the cameras inexplicably miss, but it sparks the Coryn/Fugly Lisa fight again, which leads to the priceless "You're basically presenting yourself like a moron." "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" exchange. Fugly Lisa gets drunk and talks to plants.] The other girls sit out on the patio and discuss her drinking. Bre says that the worst thing you can do when you get stressed is to put a substance in your body that you become dependent on. She's smoking as she says this. I'll leave it at that. [Commercial/photo shoot/interview challenge. Jayla (maybe) steals Nike's secret and (definitely) becomes a super-duper mega bitch towards her afterwards.] Nicole and Fugly Lisa dress up in wacky outfits. The editing's wonky here, because there's a shot of Fugly Lisa not dressed up yet, but the point is to show Nicole suggesting that they invite Coryn to join them, but Fugly Lisa says that'll never happen. Then, we cut to Coryn writing out some notes on an index card. Someone asks what it is, and it's an apology for calling Fugly Lisa names earlier. Aw. Bre commends her, and while I'd prefer a face to face apology, that was nice of her. She leaves the note on Fugly Lisa's pillow. Fugly Lisa does forgive Coryn, and even gives her a smooch on the side of the head, that Bre tries to take a picture of. Aw again. So that's resolved. [Of course, Coryn was cut about three minutes later. Jayla spouts some more bullshit in the confessional about how mean Nike is for...not calling Jayla out for stealing her line. Yeah, I don't know.]
Commercials. I love me some Meryl Streep, but Prime looks terrible. Would someone else see it and tell me how it is? Thanks.
[Tyra does the black and white close-up shot.] Fugly Lisa feels cooped up in the model pad, so she goes completely wild. Scenes of her running around the house. Scenes of her acting up in the confessional. ['40s pinup girl photo shoot.] Pillow fight in the Monster Humvee. [Kyle was cut. Waaaaaah!!!!! Don't remind me.] Now six girls remain: Jayla, the "rebel Jehovah's witness". Huh, I guess "Jayla, the fucking asshole" would have been too incendiary for network TV. Nicole, "the baby-faced student". "Of ornithology" is notably left off the end. Nike, "the silent threat", which makes her sound like a fart. Kim, "the tomboy". Bre, "the strong-willed Harlem girl". And, of course, Fugly Lisa, "the life of the party". The coke party, maybe.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: See last week's "next week". It's official. Now that Kyle is gone, I'm rooting for Bre. That probably means she'll be eliminated next. Oh, and one more thing: Redgina!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Actual new content. This week, we've been faked out and tricked into watching a clip show so that people can catch up. I'd complain that there aren't likely to be new viewers that need this additional information, but then, I started watching Cycle 4 when it was down to about six girls, so I guess I should shut my fat yap.
Rather than recapping things I've already written about, I think I'll just mostly touch on the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.] Being anal-retentive rocks!
We open on some shots of Tyra. You know, Tyra's often way too impressed with herself, but I do have to say that she knows how to rock a photograph. We are briefly hurdled back in time to see Adrianne (who I like a lot less now these days than I did when she was on the show), Yoanna (who?), Eva (who deserved to win, but whose My Life As A CoverGirl spots really got on my last nerve), and Naima (yay!) win their various cycles. We also see some of the horrifically awful audition tapes that opened this cycle, only this time I can put some names with the faces. That girl I called out as a tramp-oline back in episode 1? Jayla. Shocking.
[36 women were cut down to thirteen. Remember Nicole begging on her knees to be chosen? Ew. She's come a long way. We also get to relive the heartache of Redheaded Regina, who I still wish would have been chosen. Really, she would have been more interesting than Coryn, for God's sake. Plus, I could have called her Redgina! Ah, what might have been.]
[A jerky-looking Robin Leach ushered the girls into the model pad. Not jerky in the "mean" sort of way. Jerky in the "beef" sort of way. Kim's gay.]
Cassandra flicks water from her toothbrush onto Kyle. Kyle's all like "What the hell?" Cassandra jokes that she likes to pick on Kyle because she's too cute, and brings up the titular line about how when she sees a really pretty flower, she just wants to step on it. This is a good example of the editors trying their damnedest to make Cassandra look like a bitch, and failing. Yeah, that comment's a bit...disturbing, in its way, but Cassandra is clearly kidding around, and she flicked, like, two drops of water onto Kyle. Kyle doesn't even seem to care that much, though Kim looks furious. Lighten up, Kim. [We also get that awesome line about how psychopaths can kill without emotion that has been, to date, the one time someone rendered Fugly Lisa speechless. Sweet.]
Ashley brags about her experience with fashion and such. She gives some pretty accurate predictions on what the girls will have for their makeovers, actually. Oh, except when she predicts what they'll do to her. Mwahahahaha! She babbles on and on about her hair. Nicole hates her guts, and this is still at the point where Nicole was no Mary Likable herself, so take from that what you will.
[The girls did that stupid, boring fashion show with Nate Dogg as the narrator, and Sarah tripped so much, you'd think she was on acid.] Why they didn't include what follows in the original episode is beyond me, because it would have made the fashion show infinitely more interesting. Apparently Jayla, who has known Kim for all of two days, walks up to her, pokes her in the stomach, and says something like "Girl, you need to suck in that stomach." She claims in an interview that she was kidding, but so what? Telling someone you just met that they're fat is acceptable if you're joking? Not so much. Kim is not amused. [But, of course, that was the night that Sarah sprang across the Monster Humvee and made out with her, so that probably cheered her up.]
Back at the house, a bird has invaded the model pad. Kyle opines that he's blind, because all he does is run into stuff. Nicole says that all birds are blind. Kyle gets a hilarious look on her face, like "this girl is a moron", but politely says "Are you sure?". Nicole rambles on and on that she knows birds are blind because they're always almost running into cars and stuff, but they can sense where they are through hearing or whatever. I'm glad Nicole's trying to break into modeling, because somehow I doubt she'd go far in the field of, say, biochemistry. Kyle gently tries to disabuse her of this notion by saying that she was sure that her pet bird could see. Nicole responds that maybe it's just the outside birds that are blind. The entire purpose of this scene? Nicole is kind of dumb. Heh.
[Superhero photo shoot.] Ebony and Nicole shit-talk Cassandra. Jayla shit-talks Diane. Now, this is an interesting situation, because in the former, I feel like the editors are trying to make us feel sorry for Ebony and Nicole in a "Isn't Cassandra annoying?" kind of way. In the latter, they're trying to make us feel sorry for Diane in a "Isn't Jayla a bitch?" kind of way. It's a subtle shift, but I still feel like it's there. Of course, I totally agree that Jayla's a bitch, but again, instead of seeing Cassandra engaging in annoying behavior, all we hear is second-hand opinion that someone thinks she's annoying. It makes me think that they're trying to portray Cassandra as way more obnoxious than she really is, and that's really unfair. [Ashley sucks at the photo shoot.] Back at the model pad, Jayla continues her mean streak. Even Nicole interviews that Jayla has no social graces. Ouch. That would be like Carrot Top calling someone annoying. Not only that, but Fugly Lisa tells Jayla that she says things faster than she thinks about it. I think the universe just imploded. Jayla does that "accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" speech that didn't work when the Weavers gave it on The Amazing Race, and doesn't work now. The point isn't for other people to adapt to your bitchiness. The point is for you to stop being such a goddamn bitch. [Ashley was cut.]
Commercials. I've read some really interesting articles and had some fascinating conversations with people lately about Rent. We're supposed to identify and sympathize with this group of friends, who, in the final analysis, refuse to get jobs to pay their rent, because they're such sensitive artistes. Regular jobs are beneath them. As a musical, it's great (and hopefully the movie will be too), but if these were real life people? I'd probably snort at them in disgust.
Coryn has brought along a fart machine to the model pad. I guess that's why there was no room for the eyebrow tweezers. She wants to try and trick the girls into thinking she's really farting. It looks like the only one she suckers is Nicole. Shocker. The whole segment is really juvenile, but I have to admit I giggled through it. I'm not made of stone! [Time for the makeovers. Oh, dear. I don't think anyone has to see this again. It's all burned into our brains. Tyra brings up the fact that at one time, each girl was supposed to have their own personal style that they'd use throughout the competition. Man, am I glad they dropped that idea. Cassandra gets all her hair chopped off and looks terrible, while Kyle looks completely amazing. *sniff* I miss Kyle.] Jayla again tries to kid with Kim (this time about her makeover), and it again comes out as sounding completely bitchy. She whinily interviews that the other girls don't "get" her sense of humor. Well then maybe you ought to stop "joking". Besides, I thought Jayla didn't care what people thought of her. Wasn't that the point of the whole "people have to get used to the shit I say, because I'm not changing" speech? You can be a rude loner or you can whine about inability to cultivate friends, Jayla. Not both.
[Cassandra cries and cries about her hair. The other girls get fed up with her. Girl-of-the-country photo shoot. Ebony sucks.] Fugly Lisa tries to play with the horse and it bucks out of her grip. Heh. Back at the house, Jayla shows off her six-inch stiletto heels. Yowch. Reason #4,593,935 I'm glad I'm not female. She hilariously interviews that she doesn't have one set best friend in the house, that she "tries to be cool with everybody." Um, Jayla? Try harder. In this segment, Bre has her hair tied up in a bandana, and is trying to walk on Jayla's shoes, so it almost looks like Aunt Jemima is working the catwalk. Cripes. In the confessional, Nicole and Ebony make fun of Jayla. Man, Nicole and Ebony are vicious when they get together. Jayla then makes the following two statements consecutively: In an interview: "Towards the end of the night, I just want to go to bed; I want everyone to just leave me alone." In bed, talking to Nike, who's standing in the doorway: "I'm sick of having to, like, butt in on everybody's conversations. Nobody ever comes to me. No-one ever wants to talk to me." Wow, let's delve into this psychosis, shall we? 1) Look at those two statements together. Yeah. 2) Hmm, maybe people would come talk to her if she WEREN'T SUCH A RANCID ASS, which she was just bragging about. 3) Who's the one sympathetically nodding her head in the doorway? Who's the one listening to Jayla unload her problems? Nike. How does Jayla repay her? By stealing her secret, then referring to Nike as a stupid, stupid bitch. Wow, I hate Jayla. I'm seriously running out of ways to call her a bitch. I need an insult thesaurus. Let's watch another example of her twisted logic! The girls are doing stripper dances in the kitchen. Jayla complains in an interview that she's not in the mood to join in. Then she joins in by running around topless (though she was just saying she wanted people to leave her alone so she could go to bed). Then she interviews that she's so, so glad she did something funny that wasn't taken the wrong way. What color is the sky in Jayla's world? Do the trains run on time? [Ebony was cut.]
Commercials. Heh, there's an ad for a local community college, which makes me wonder if Nicole should fill out an application. But who knows? She might win this season. It's not out of the realm of possibility.
[Tyra joins the girls for dinner.] They're joined by an ugly drag queen. They do model walks. Tyra walks too. Kim is impressed. [The girls did their poolside walking challenge. Sarah sucks.] Nicole is exposed as a nail-biter. The bird is back in the model pad. Kyle is on the phone, explaining that they named him Mr. Bojangles. He flies around. The girls scream a lot. This part is really boring. Oh! Except that while the girls are shrieking, Jayla's in the confessional. She hears them screaming, and gives the camera a look like "please shoot me in the head right now." Hahahaha! That was hilarious, and was my first liking Jayla moment, ever. [Cassandra complains some more about her hair. The girls did the runway challenge where there was a rotating platform. Sue Wong uses the non-word "gracefulness", which I didn't notice until just now. Stop making up words, Sue Wong. English is in enough danger as it is. Sarah sucked some more. Sarah and Kim make out and possibly do it. Fashion witch photo shoot. Cassandra refused to cut her hair further and was cut (or quit).] Cassandra leaves the rest of the girls a note wishing them luck. The other girls are semi-sympathetic, but Kyle makes the valid point that she should have expected it, and that her spot in the competition could have gone to a girl that really wanted to be there. Like Redgina! Sorry, I just like typing that. Redgina! Jayla bitches that she had a much better attitude than Cassandra about the hair cutting, which is true, but then, Jayla's hair didn't look like molten puke when they were done, so she can go back to shutting up. Bre points out that the other girls don't really care about Cassandra's leaving, because they have selfish intentions. Ouch. [Sarah was cut.]
Commercials. When the ad for Derailed comes on, my good movie radar pings, but I may be getting a false positive from Clive Owen's hotness. Stupid good-looking actors always throw the radar out of whack. That's how I got tricked into watching Closer.
[Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves by giving unsolicited advice. Especially Coryn. The girls did their critiques of each other, which only fueled Coryn's hatred of Fugly Lisa.] Kim plays harmonica. All right, then. It's kind of dumb, except when she sneaks up on Bre and blows a note right behind her. And, when she uses the harmonica to punctuate making fun of Nigel. Hehehe. [Fake plastic surgery photo shoot with Janice. Diane was cut.] Kim jokes that she's the new plus-sized model of the group. Jeez. We'll use this as Exhibit A the next time Tyra tries to give the girls a PSA about eating disorders, because while I love this show, promoting healthy body image it does not.
[Firming-mask fake promotion with that obnoxious, unamusing "comedian". Fugly Lisa does dumb dance moves. Coryn makes a comment about it that the cameras inexplicably miss, but it sparks the Coryn/Fugly Lisa fight again, which leads to the priceless "You're basically presenting yourself like a moron." "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" exchange. Fugly Lisa gets drunk and talks to plants.] The other girls sit out on the patio and discuss her drinking. Bre says that the worst thing you can do when you get stressed is to put a substance in your body that you become dependent on. She's smoking as she says this. I'll leave it at that. [Commercial/photo shoot/interview challenge. Jayla (maybe) steals Nike's secret and (definitely) becomes a super-duper mega bitch towards her afterwards.] Nicole and Fugly Lisa dress up in wacky outfits. The editing's wonky here, because there's a shot of Fugly Lisa not dressed up yet, but the point is to show Nicole suggesting that they invite Coryn to join them, but Fugly Lisa says that'll never happen. Then, we cut to Coryn writing out some notes on an index card. Someone asks what it is, and it's an apology for calling Fugly Lisa names earlier. Aw. Bre commends her, and while I'd prefer a face to face apology, that was nice of her. She leaves the note on Fugly Lisa's pillow. Fugly Lisa does forgive Coryn, and even gives her a smooch on the side of the head, that Bre tries to take a picture of. Aw again. So that's resolved. [Of course, Coryn was cut about three minutes later. Jayla spouts some more bullshit in the confessional about how mean Nike is for...not calling Jayla out for stealing her line. Yeah, I don't know.]
Commercials. I love me some Meryl Streep, but Prime looks terrible. Would someone else see it and tell me how it is? Thanks.
[Tyra does the black and white close-up shot.] Fugly Lisa feels cooped up in the model pad, so she goes completely wild. Scenes of her running around the house. Scenes of her acting up in the confessional. ['40s pinup girl photo shoot.] Pillow fight in the Monster Humvee. [Kyle was cut. Waaaaaah!!!!! Don't remind me.] Now six girls remain: Jayla, the "rebel Jehovah's witness". Huh, I guess "Jayla, the fucking asshole" would have been too incendiary for network TV. Nicole, "the baby-faced student". "Of ornithology" is notably left off the end. Nike, "the silent threat", which makes her sound like a fart. Kim, "the tomboy". Bre, "the strong-willed Harlem girl". And, of course, Fugly Lisa, "the life of the party". The coke party, maybe.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: See last week's "next week". It's official. Now that Kyle is gone, I'm rooting for Bre. That probably means she'll be eliminated next. Oh, and one more thing: Redgina!
Overall Grade: B-
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
You Look Ridiculous
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 7
Oh, goody. We get to spend two hours with these people tonight instead of the usual one. The teams jet back to the United States (specifically Arizona) to take in some desert scenery. The Weavers would still like you to know that they don't need friends on the race, then proceed to spend the rest of the episode whining about how they don't have friends. They pat themselves on the backs for being great competitors, then harangue DJ Paolo about Yielding them, which is...part of the competition. They claim to live decent, Christian lives, then try to coerce locals into impeding other teams and throw garbage out of their car window at the Pink Ladies. Why won't they go away?
The first hour ends with the Pink Ladies in first, and the Paolos narrowly edging out the Bransens, who come in last. The Paolos do, however, show some charity, and remind the Bransens to put on all their clothes before checking in. Good call, since this is a non-elimination point. In the second hour, the Pink Ladies again come in first. Those poor Linzes. This time the Bransens edge out the Paolos, who are sent packing. When you're sort of disappointed to see the Paolos go because it means the Weavers are still around, you know something's wrong with the universe.
Oh, and along the way, there are some fairly cool tasks such as doing a 360-degree roll in a plane and some fairly lame tasks, such as finding clearly visible clue boxes with a compass. The best news, however, is that my VCR cut off the second hour, so I can't go back and watch it again, which means that I can guiltlessly stop writing about this crap-ass season. Go me!
Overall Grade: C
Oh, goody. We get to spend two hours with these people tonight instead of the usual one. The teams jet back to the United States (specifically Arizona) to take in some desert scenery. The Weavers would still like you to know that they don't need friends on the race, then proceed to spend the rest of the episode whining about how they don't have friends. They pat themselves on the backs for being great competitors, then harangue DJ Paolo about Yielding them, which is...part of the competition. They claim to live decent, Christian lives, then try to coerce locals into impeding other teams and throw garbage out of their car window at the Pink Ladies. Why won't they go away?
The first hour ends with the Pink Ladies in first, and the Paolos narrowly edging out the Bransens, who come in last. The Paolos do, however, show some charity, and remind the Bransens to put on all their clothes before checking in. Good call, since this is a non-elimination point. In the second hour, the Pink Ladies again come in first. Those poor Linzes. This time the Bransens edge out the Paolos, who are sent packing. When you're sort of disappointed to see the Paolos go because it means the Weavers are still around, you know something's wrong with the universe.
Oh, and along the way, there are some fairly cool tasks such as doing a 360-degree roll in a plane and some fairly lame tasks, such as finding clearly visible clue boxes with a compass. The best news, however, is that my VCR cut off the second hour, so I can't go back and watch it again, which means that I can guiltlessly stop writing about this crap-ass season. Go me!
Overall Grade: C
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I'm Sick of Doing Stuff I Can't Do
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 6
Wait, what was that? An episode that didn't completely blow snuck into this season! How nice.
The teams leave Panama and head to Costa Rica. The Weavers have sunk so low that even the Paolos hate them, which is twenty kinds of awesome. They're so unliked that a bunch of teams literally scuffle over who gets to Yield them, with the Paolos coming out on top. The Weavers are, in fact, yielded and break down into snotty fits, and for a moment it seems like we may be rid of them at last.
But all is not well in Mudville. Tammy Gaghan struggles at the Roadblock, which allows the Weavers to pass them, and when the Gaghans can't catch up, the last eye candy on the race is sent home, along with his tearful daughter.
Hmm. I guess the episode wasn't as good as I thought.
Overall Grade: B-
Wait, what was that? An episode that didn't completely blow snuck into this season! How nice.
The teams leave Panama and head to Costa Rica. The Weavers have sunk so low that even the Paolos hate them, which is twenty kinds of awesome. They're so unliked that a bunch of teams literally scuffle over who gets to Yield them, with the Paolos coming out on top. The Weavers are, in fact, yielded and break down into snotty fits, and for a moment it seems like we may be rid of them at last.
But all is not well in Mudville. Tammy Gaghan struggles at the Roadblock, which allows the Weavers to pass them, and when the Gaghans can't catch up, the last eye candy on the race is sent home, along with his tearful daughter.
Hmm. I guess the episode wasn't as good as I thought.
Overall Grade: B-
Monday, October 31, 2005
The Girls Are 1940s Pinups
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 7
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Coryn and Fugly Lisa didn't get along. Nike and Jayla didn't get along. Jayla and reality didn't get along. Coryn and staying on the show didn't get along. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
I usually don't mention the credits, but it's pretty funny that we're only about halfway through the season, yet I can hardly remember Ashley. Somehow, I doubt I'm missing much. At the model pad, Nike reminds us how Jayla stole her secret. Well, as she's interviewing this we see a shot of her eating ice cream in bed, so it looks like you've stolen Nicole's secret, Nike. Or maybe it's cereal. Whatever. The upshot is that Nike's still upset. Jayla interviews that because Nike is treating her coldly, she must not a mature enough person to "handle the situation". I know that Nike blew the whole secret thing out of proportion, and I know that you're not really beholden to treat your competitors with the utmost kindness, but come on. I guess Nike could chop Jayla's hair off in the middle of the night so that she could get ahead in the competition, and Jayla wouldn't get upset. Or if she did, she's just not mature enough to handle the situation. Anyway, that was last week, so let's put that unpleasantness behind us and get to some fresh unpleasantness.
Morning. Tyra bursts into the model pad and tells the girls they'll be doing a photo shoot with her as the coach. Bre's excited about this. Tyra explains that it's going to be a black and white shot, but unlike the glamour shots of Cycle 1, this one's going to be "edgy and mysterious". There's actually not much to say about the shoot itself. I mean, there's a bit with Nike in the confessional wherein she wears very unflattering glasses and looks like a goon, and there's a part where Tyra gives Kim instructions on what kind of face to give to the camera, and she gives the same dead-eyed expression we've been seeing from her since day one, but that's about it. Oh, and that they seem to zoom through the girls really quickly. Not many left, are there?
That evening, Tyra Mail awaits. Nicole opens it. We can clearly see that it reads "Are you a diamond in the rough?", but Nicole screams and shouts "You are going to Paris tomorrow!!!" The girls shriek in excitement, but quickly discover that she's put one over on them. Hahahahaha! That was so awesome. They laugh off Nicole's joke good-naturedly. Fugly Lisa is sporting a top that looks like something my grandmother would wear. She and Nicole scream again, and the scream actually echoes into the next shot. Heh.
Kyle and Kim lay in their beds talking. We hear the most out of Kyle we've ever heard (uh, oh - you know what lots of screentime in an episode means) as she talks about how she followed her boyfriend to the college of his choice. Kim is aghast that Kyle would choose where to live based on where her boyfriend went. Well, not all of us can have an open relationship that allows us to suck face with large-lipped Missourians on national television, Kim. We get a short interview with Jayla, who says that Kyle isn't very intelligent. I get the feeling the editors don't like Jayla much. They really like to make her look nasty. Not that she needs much help, it seems. The next morning, the Monster Humvee takes the girls to Camp Technique, which is the dumbest name for any camp, ever. There's a trainer there who spouts some bullshit about how models need to be tough, but it's all really just an excuse to make the girls go through a filthy obstacle course. Fugly Lisa is jumping up and down in excitement. Now, I know I've been ragging on Lisa from the very start of the show. Certainly, if I ever had to live with or work with her, I'd probably wind up braining her with a frying pan. But on the show? She's kind of awesome. Think how boring things would be if she weren't getting all drunk and talking to plants and fighting with Coryn and lurching around the model pad covered in bubbles.
Fugly Lisa is up first, and she handles the obstacle course with aplomb. She's in heaven as she wriggles her way backward through a mud pit. The trainer lets the audience in on the secret that the real objective for them being there is to get them dirty. Well, duh. Fugly Lisa hugs the trainer to get mud all over him. Heh. Nicole's face is already scrunched up in disgust. Jayla goes through. She actually gets perfectly rounded mud marks on her boobs. How'd she do that? Bre. Kim. Kyle. She interviews that she can feel the mud going down her pants. Ew. I don't mind getting dirty, but yeah. Mud in the crack is not the best feeling. Nicole's a big baby about it. The front of her shirt has barely any mud on it when she's through, but she still claims she's going to barf. It's mud, not horse shit, princess. Hehehehe. Nike. Oh, Nike. As she runs the course, her pants keep coming down. And not just a little bit down, but full on pixelized ass down. Even Jayla's impressed with how Nike finished the course with her pants practically around her ankles. We even get *bawhoop!* sound effects as she yanks them back up several times. I'm loving this episode. The trainer gives the girls some more Tyra Mail, and we see them lined up. Fugly Lisa is covered in mud from head to toe. She's nothing if not enthusiastic. The Tyra Mail tells them...well, basically nothing, but they figure out that they'll have to do some sort of challenge covered in grime. They exchange looks of exasperation.
Commercials. I really don't get that commercial with the guy bolting out of the restaurant to get a Subway sandwich delivered to his table, but it doesn't have Jared in it, so I'm not complaining.
The girls get into the Monster Humvee, the seats of which are covered in plastic. Heh. Nicole's still whining about being dirty. Yes, we get it, dear. They arrive at their destination, and the driver is sure to stand clear as a stanky Bre emerges. Heh again. This episode is full of "heh". The girls go inside. Bre walks downstairs to find three staffers from ELLEgirl magazine. One of the women explains that it's a go-see, and the challenge is to let your natural personality shine through, despite being muddy. Most of the girls do fine. One of the staffers asks Jayla what makes her different (because the magazine culture for young girls is all about being unique, right? Hah.), and she replies that she's unique because she listens to hardcore rock or whatever. What a rebel! The staffers take Polaroid shots of everyone. Head staffer lady gathers the girls and says that the winner of the challenge will win a day with a fashion industry insider to get some tips on being a real model. Sounds pretty dull, but is probably helpful for them. They go down the line and critique the girls. Nothing too earth-shattering is revealed. The winner is Fugly Lisa, since she exuded so much energy and confidence. Yep, that sounds like her. Kim is in the confessional, sounding bitter about Fugly Lisa's win. I'd probably be more sympathetic to anyone else saying the same thing, but I'm not feeling too bad for Queen Deadeye, there. Stop being such a sucky poser if you want to win some challenges, Kim.
Back at the model pad, Nicole is harassing people about hurrying up in the shower. Does she not like being dirty? How come she's never said anything about it? We intercut a few times to Fugly Lisa's reward, which is as dull as I feared, so we'll just ignore it. In the model pad, Jayla's waiting her turn at the shower, and is laying on a towel on her bed. Kim walks by and kind of yells at her about getting onto the bed when she's so filthy. Man, Kim is bugging me today. It's not your bed, and she's got a towel down, so shut up. Jayla has another semi-nasty interview about how she thinks Kim is cranky because she's not doing well in the competition. For once, I agree with Jayla. Kim gets a point for self-awareness as she interviews basically the same thing: she's not doing as well as she'd like to be. Kim's a bad model. She just is. The Tyra Mail that evening tells them to be ready at 8:15 AM for a photo shoot that has something to do with cars.
And hey, here's morning now! Kim and Kyle have breakfast outside. Kim is nervous about the photo shoot; Kyle plucks her eyebrows. Ouch. The girls meet OJ at the photo shoot. For no specific reason, he looks even uglier and more plasticine than usual. There's some gross product placement, then OJ explains that the girls will be dressed as kind of a modern version of Vargas pinup girls. Fugly Lisa knows exactly what he's talking about. I love the 1940's pinup girls. And really, all that sort of pulp art. It certainly doesn't have to be women. Kyle is happy that the shoot requires them to be so girly, but Kim is even more nervous than she was before.
Commercials. I don't exactly know why, but I find that Juicy Fruit commercial with the skinny white kid and the black lady having a tug o' war over the gum completely endearing.
Kim gets a red wig pulled onto her head. Jayla interviews that she's fairly confident about the photo shoot. Ruth, the stylist assistant, helps the girls into their corsets. She tells them to let her know when they can't breathe anymore, and then she'll tighten it some more. Hee. Fugly Lisa's up first again. Richard, the photographer, goes over her poses, and she does really well. She's nothing if not versatile. OJ is impressed too. Jayla looks fairly good, but I don't like her smile. It's a fakey smile. My sister gets that smile when she knows somebody's about to take her picture. It's not flattering. That's why you've got to catch her off guard. Jayla doesn't have that luxury. Nicole is boring. Kim looks really pretty. She's still not terrific with the posing, and OJ warns her against being too butch, but she manages to pull out a good shot or two. How on Earth did they get her dress on without disturbing the wig? I'm not impressed with Nike's outfit. I don't think pinup girls in the '40s wore wife-beaters. Still, she gives some very cute "oopsie!" type poses. Kyle looks fantastic. Nike agrees with me. Jayla, predictably, doesn't. Let's get Jayla's third nasty interview quote verbatim. "Everyone says that Kyle is so beautiful, but I really think that Kyle lacks a lot of depth. I really think that she has next to no personality." Kyle's not pretty because...she lacks depth? Does Jayla even listen to herself? Here, let me give it to her in terms she'll understand. "Jayla, everyone says that you're really smart, but I disagree because your teeth are yellow." Bre is purty. Her hair looks great. She's having problems with the corset, though. Richard says that something's holding her back. Yeah, that'd be laced fabric crushing her ribs, genius. Tyra Mail waits for them back at the pad. Hey, guess what's happening tomorrow! Someone's getting eliminated. Aw. The girls decide to hit the town while they still have time so they go to a club. Everyone dances around. It looks fun, though they can't stop themselves from hashing out who's going to get cut.
Commercials. There are no commercials worth discussing, even to insult, so I'll just say: how come there aren't commercials for light bulbs anymore? When was the last time we saw a lightbulb ad? 1996?
We go into the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Tyra in black and white, then as a pinup girl. The pinup shot is ruined by the fact that she's holding a cell phone. Miss J's hair looks ridiculous. I hate to say it, but I'm getting tired of him. The guest judge is Richard, the pinup photographer. The final challenge is for the girls to make themselves look sexy from clothes provided in the back within three minutes. They dress frantically. Fugly Lisa dresses very casually, which looks OK, but I wouldn't call sexy. Whatever is diametrically opposed to sexy, that's how Nicole looks. Bre's in men's underwear. She looks tons better once she takes her hair down. Miss J calls Kyle's outfit "Housewife's Choice" and I have to agree. It's not sexy in the least. Jayla looks good; kind of beach sexy, if that means anything. Nike's the first girl to dress up, looking nice in a simple black dress. I wish she'd stop pulling her hair back, though. It doesn't suit her. I think Kim looks silly in her tennis outfit. Nigel defends her, as always. She's not going to sleep with you, Nigel.
Photo evaluations. Fugly Lisa's up first yet again. The judges love her black and white shot, in which she's scowling at the camera. I like it too. I'm not sure if they were going for a kind of National Geographic feel, but that's what they got. The judges love her pinup shot as well. Bre. The judges like her B&W more than I do. I think it's kind of dull. The pinup shot is so-so as well. Her body looks good, but she looks distracted, as if she's concentrating mostly on the corset. Jayla. Her B&W is OK, except for a crooked pinky, but I'm not feeling the pinup one, again because of the face. It looks like she was about to smile, but the camera went off a half-second too early. Nike. Her B&W is great. Her pinup is good, despite a crappy outfit. There's also some blah-blah about how she needs to create curves that aren't there with body fat that's not there. Yeah, I don't know. Nicole. Her eyes look good in the B&W, but it's kind of boring. Miss J says her presence is "laxadaisical". Don't use the big words until you've got them down, J. Stick with "blah" and "fierce". Tyra harps on Nicole's habit of muttering a defensive "OK" whenever they give her a critique. I've never noticed that, but whatever. She says she'll work on it. Nicole's pinup turned out better than I thought it would. Kyle. Her B&W is pretty edgy for her. The judges like her body language in the pinup shot, but not the face. Kim. She's got a boring B&W, but wow, did she pull out that pinup shot. The judges are as shocked as I am that it looks so good. Tyra dismisses them so the judges can deliberate. The girls blink a lot.
Commercials. Go away, Emeril. Your schtick was tired ten seconds after you thought it up.
Deliberations. The judges savage Kyle for no particular reason. Seeing Jayla's photographs side-by-side, I really think she has the weakest of the bunch. I may be letting some personal bias in because I don't like her, but that's really what I see. The judges don't seem to agree. Nicole is pretty, but always looks the same. The judges aren't very happy with Bre, either. Time for the elimination. Kim is safe. Fugly Lisa. Nike. Jayla. Nicole. Tyra manages to give her quite the backhanded compliment about how beauty is not only skin deep. Meow. Will Bre and Kyle please step forward? Well, this sucks. I like both of these girls. Not only that, but I felt that there wasn't much suspense, because the judges have come down on Bre a lot these past few weeks, so it was pretty obvious that she'd be the one to go, especially since Kyle has been rocking the challenges. But the judges manage to sucker punch me by handing Bre her photos. What? Kyle is cut? No! She cries. I'm getting a little misty, myself. She's surprised to be going home, saying she thought she was going to go farther. Jeez, me too. And I wish you had, Kyle. *sniff*
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Cycle 3 winner Eva stops by, and Kim lusts over her. Down girl. Fugly Lisa throws down with some wild boys.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Coryn and Fugly Lisa didn't get along. Nike and Jayla didn't get along. Jayla and reality didn't get along. Coryn and staying on the show didn't get along. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
I usually don't mention the credits, but it's pretty funny that we're only about halfway through the season, yet I can hardly remember Ashley. Somehow, I doubt I'm missing much. At the model pad, Nike reminds us how Jayla stole her secret. Well, as she's interviewing this we see a shot of her eating ice cream in bed, so it looks like you've stolen Nicole's secret, Nike. Or maybe it's cereal. Whatever. The upshot is that Nike's still upset. Jayla interviews that because Nike is treating her coldly, she must not a mature enough person to "handle the situation". I know that Nike blew the whole secret thing out of proportion, and I know that you're not really beholden to treat your competitors with the utmost kindness, but come on. I guess Nike could chop Jayla's hair off in the middle of the night so that she could get ahead in the competition, and Jayla wouldn't get upset. Or if she did, she's just not mature enough to handle the situation. Anyway, that was last week, so let's put that unpleasantness behind us and get to some fresh unpleasantness.
Morning. Tyra bursts into the model pad and tells the girls they'll be doing a photo shoot with her as the coach. Bre's excited about this. Tyra explains that it's going to be a black and white shot, but unlike the glamour shots of Cycle 1, this one's going to be "edgy and mysterious". There's actually not much to say about the shoot itself. I mean, there's a bit with Nike in the confessional wherein she wears very unflattering glasses and looks like a goon, and there's a part where Tyra gives Kim instructions on what kind of face to give to the camera, and she gives the same dead-eyed expression we've been seeing from her since day one, but that's about it. Oh, and that they seem to zoom through the girls really quickly. Not many left, are there?
That evening, Tyra Mail awaits. Nicole opens it. We can clearly see that it reads "Are you a diamond in the rough?", but Nicole screams and shouts "You are going to Paris tomorrow!!!" The girls shriek in excitement, but quickly discover that she's put one over on them. Hahahahaha! That was so awesome. They laugh off Nicole's joke good-naturedly. Fugly Lisa is sporting a top that looks like something my grandmother would wear. She and Nicole scream again, and the scream actually echoes into the next shot. Heh.
Kyle and Kim lay in their beds talking. We hear the most out of Kyle we've ever heard (uh, oh - you know what lots of screentime in an episode means) as she talks about how she followed her boyfriend to the college of his choice. Kim is aghast that Kyle would choose where to live based on where her boyfriend went. Well, not all of us can have an open relationship that allows us to suck face with large-lipped Missourians on national television, Kim. We get a short interview with Jayla, who says that Kyle isn't very intelligent. I get the feeling the editors don't like Jayla much. They really like to make her look nasty. Not that she needs much help, it seems. The next morning, the Monster Humvee takes the girls to Camp Technique, which is the dumbest name for any camp, ever. There's a trainer there who spouts some bullshit about how models need to be tough, but it's all really just an excuse to make the girls go through a filthy obstacle course. Fugly Lisa is jumping up and down in excitement. Now, I know I've been ragging on Lisa from the very start of the show. Certainly, if I ever had to live with or work with her, I'd probably wind up braining her with a frying pan. But on the show? She's kind of awesome. Think how boring things would be if she weren't getting all drunk and talking to plants and fighting with Coryn and lurching around the model pad covered in bubbles.
Fugly Lisa is up first, and she handles the obstacle course with aplomb. She's in heaven as she wriggles her way backward through a mud pit. The trainer lets the audience in on the secret that the real objective for them being there is to get them dirty. Well, duh. Fugly Lisa hugs the trainer to get mud all over him. Heh. Nicole's face is already scrunched up in disgust. Jayla goes through. She actually gets perfectly rounded mud marks on her boobs. How'd she do that? Bre. Kim. Kyle. She interviews that she can feel the mud going down her pants. Ew. I don't mind getting dirty, but yeah. Mud in the crack is not the best feeling. Nicole's a big baby about it. The front of her shirt has barely any mud on it when she's through, but she still claims she's going to barf. It's mud, not horse shit, princess. Hehehehe. Nike. Oh, Nike. As she runs the course, her pants keep coming down. And not just a little bit down, but full on pixelized ass down. Even Jayla's impressed with how Nike finished the course with her pants practically around her ankles. We even get *bawhoop!* sound effects as she yanks them back up several times. I'm loving this episode. The trainer gives the girls some more Tyra Mail, and we see them lined up. Fugly Lisa is covered in mud from head to toe. She's nothing if not enthusiastic. The Tyra Mail tells them...well, basically nothing, but they figure out that they'll have to do some sort of challenge covered in grime. They exchange looks of exasperation.
Commercials. I really don't get that commercial with the guy bolting out of the restaurant to get a Subway sandwich delivered to his table, but it doesn't have Jared in it, so I'm not complaining.
The girls get into the Monster Humvee, the seats of which are covered in plastic. Heh. Nicole's still whining about being dirty. Yes, we get it, dear. They arrive at their destination, and the driver is sure to stand clear as a stanky Bre emerges. Heh again. This episode is full of "heh". The girls go inside. Bre walks downstairs to find three staffers from ELLEgirl magazine. One of the women explains that it's a go-see, and the challenge is to let your natural personality shine through, despite being muddy. Most of the girls do fine. One of the staffers asks Jayla what makes her different (because the magazine culture for young girls is all about being unique, right? Hah.), and she replies that she's unique because she listens to hardcore rock or whatever. What a rebel! The staffers take Polaroid shots of everyone. Head staffer lady gathers the girls and says that the winner of the challenge will win a day with a fashion industry insider to get some tips on being a real model. Sounds pretty dull, but is probably helpful for them. They go down the line and critique the girls. Nothing too earth-shattering is revealed. The winner is Fugly Lisa, since she exuded so much energy and confidence. Yep, that sounds like her. Kim is in the confessional, sounding bitter about Fugly Lisa's win. I'd probably be more sympathetic to anyone else saying the same thing, but I'm not feeling too bad for Queen Deadeye, there. Stop being such a sucky poser if you want to win some challenges, Kim.
Back at the model pad, Nicole is harassing people about hurrying up in the shower. Does she not like being dirty? How come she's never said anything about it? We intercut a few times to Fugly Lisa's reward, which is as dull as I feared, so we'll just ignore it. In the model pad, Jayla's waiting her turn at the shower, and is laying on a towel on her bed. Kim walks by and kind of yells at her about getting onto the bed when she's so filthy. Man, Kim is bugging me today. It's not your bed, and she's got a towel down, so shut up. Jayla has another semi-nasty interview about how she thinks Kim is cranky because she's not doing well in the competition. For once, I agree with Jayla. Kim gets a point for self-awareness as she interviews basically the same thing: she's not doing as well as she'd like to be. Kim's a bad model. She just is. The Tyra Mail that evening tells them to be ready at 8:15 AM for a photo shoot that has something to do with cars.
And hey, here's morning now! Kim and Kyle have breakfast outside. Kim is nervous about the photo shoot; Kyle plucks her eyebrows. Ouch. The girls meet OJ at the photo shoot. For no specific reason, he looks even uglier and more plasticine than usual. There's some gross product placement, then OJ explains that the girls will be dressed as kind of a modern version of Vargas pinup girls. Fugly Lisa knows exactly what he's talking about. I love the 1940's pinup girls. And really, all that sort of pulp art. It certainly doesn't have to be women. Kyle is happy that the shoot requires them to be so girly, but Kim is even more nervous than she was before.
Commercials. I don't exactly know why, but I find that Juicy Fruit commercial with the skinny white kid and the black lady having a tug o' war over the gum completely endearing.
Kim gets a red wig pulled onto her head. Jayla interviews that she's fairly confident about the photo shoot. Ruth, the stylist assistant, helps the girls into their corsets. She tells them to let her know when they can't breathe anymore, and then she'll tighten it some more. Hee. Fugly Lisa's up first again. Richard, the photographer, goes over her poses, and she does really well. She's nothing if not versatile. OJ is impressed too. Jayla looks fairly good, but I don't like her smile. It's a fakey smile. My sister gets that smile when she knows somebody's about to take her picture. It's not flattering. That's why you've got to catch her off guard. Jayla doesn't have that luxury. Nicole is boring. Kim looks really pretty. She's still not terrific with the posing, and OJ warns her against being too butch, but she manages to pull out a good shot or two. How on Earth did they get her dress on without disturbing the wig? I'm not impressed with Nike's outfit. I don't think pinup girls in the '40s wore wife-beaters. Still, she gives some very cute "oopsie!" type poses. Kyle looks fantastic. Nike agrees with me. Jayla, predictably, doesn't. Let's get Jayla's third nasty interview quote verbatim. "Everyone says that Kyle is so beautiful, but I really think that Kyle lacks a lot of depth. I really think that she has next to no personality." Kyle's not pretty because...she lacks depth? Does Jayla even listen to herself? Here, let me give it to her in terms she'll understand. "Jayla, everyone says that you're really smart, but I disagree because your teeth are yellow." Bre is purty. Her hair looks great. She's having problems with the corset, though. Richard says that something's holding her back. Yeah, that'd be laced fabric crushing her ribs, genius. Tyra Mail waits for them back at the pad. Hey, guess what's happening tomorrow! Someone's getting eliminated. Aw. The girls decide to hit the town while they still have time so they go to a club. Everyone dances around. It looks fun, though they can't stop themselves from hashing out who's going to get cut.
Commercials. There are no commercials worth discussing, even to insult, so I'll just say: how come there aren't commercials for light bulbs anymore? When was the last time we saw a lightbulb ad? 1996?
We go into the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Tyra in black and white, then as a pinup girl. The pinup shot is ruined by the fact that she's holding a cell phone. Miss J's hair looks ridiculous. I hate to say it, but I'm getting tired of him. The guest judge is Richard, the pinup photographer. The final challenge is for the girls to make themselves look sexy from clothes provided in the back within three minutes. They dress frantically. Fugly Lisa dresses very casually, which looks OK, but I wouldn't call sexy. Whatever is diametrically opposed to sexy, that's how Nicole looks. Bre's in men's underwear. She looks tons better once she takes her hair down. Miss J calls Kyle's outfit "Housewife's Choice" and I have to agree. It's not sexy in the least. Jayla looks good; kind of beach sexy, if that means anything. Nike's the first girl to dress up, looking nice in a simple black dress. I wish she'd stop pulling her hair back, though. It doesn't suit her. I think Kim looks silly in her tennis outfit. Nigel defends her, as always. She's not going to sleep with you, Nigel.
Photo evaluations. Fugly Lisa's up first yet again. The judges love her black and white shot, in which she's scowling at the camera. I like it too. I'm not sure if they were going for a kind of National Geographic feel, but that's what they got. The judges love her pinup shot as well. Bre. The judges like her B&W more than I do. I think it's kind of dull. The pinup shot is so-so as well. Her body looks good, but she looks distracted, as if she's concentrating mostly on the corset. Jayla. Her B&W is OK, except for a crooked pinky, but I'm not feeling the pinup one, again because of the face. It looks like she was about to smile, but the camera went off a half-second too early. Nike. Her B&W is great. Her pinup is good, despite a crappy outfit. There's also some blah-blah about how she needs to create curves that aren't there with body fat that's not there. Yeah, I don't know. Nicole. Her eyes look good in the B&W, but it's kind of boring. Miss J says her presence is "laxadaisical". Don't use the big words until you've got them down, J. Stick with "blah" and "fierce". Tyra harps on Nicole's habit of muttering a defensive "OK" whenever they give her a critique. I've never noticed that, but whatever. She says she'll work on it. Nicole's pinup turned out better than I thought it would. Kyle. Her B&W is pretty edgy for her. The judges like her body language in the pinup shot, but not the face. Kim. She's got a boring B&W, but wow, did she pull out that pinup shot. The judges are as shocked as I am that it looks so good. Tyra dismisses them so the judges can deliberate. The girls blink a lot.
Commercials. Go away, Emeril. Your schtick was tired ten seconds after you thought it up.
Deliberations. The judges savage Kyle for no particular reason. Seeing Jayla's photographs side-by-side, I really think she has the weakest of the bunch. I may be letting some personal bias in because I don't like her, but that's really what I see. The judges don't seem to agree. Nicole is pretty, but always looks the same. The judges aren't very happy with Bre, either. Time for the elimination. Kim is safe. Fugly Lisa. Nike. Jayla. Nicole. Tyra manages to give her quite the backhanded compliment about how beauty is not only skin deep. Meow. Will Bre and Kyle please step forward? Well, this sucks. I like both of these girls. Not only that, but I felt that there wasn't much suspense, because the judges have come down on Bre a lot these past few weeks, so it was pretty obvious that she'd be the one to go, especially since Kyle has been rocking the challenges. But the judges manage to sucker punch me by handing Bre her photos. What? Kyle is cut? No! She cries. I'm getting a little misty, myself. She's surprised to be going home, saying she thought she was going to go farther. Jeez, me too. And I wish you had, Kyle. *sniff*
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Cycle 3 winner Eva stops by, and Kim lusts over her. Down girl. Fugly Lisa throws down with some wild boys.
Overall Grade: B+
Sunday, October 30, 2005
We're Getting Out of the Country, Girls
The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 5
Previously on The Amazing Race: The show tried to make us feel better about the South's horrific losses in Hurricane Katrina by showing us the most boring parts of it. I do hope that magnificent roadside office chair managed to survive the onslaught. Six families remain. Who will (or won't) be eliminated tonight?
Credits. Stop showing me the Aiellos. I just get a pang of sadness every time. And also a pang of hotness. Commercials. Maybe this show should stop referring back to earlier (read: better) seasons. It's just an additional reminder of how lame this one is.
New Orleans, Louisiana. Some really pretty shots of the city are followed by an extremely unpretty shot of Tony Paolo molesting Phil. After the normal blah-be-dee-blah, the Bransens are off at 12:40 AM. Elizabeth is wearing that goddamn hat again. Their clue tells them to fly to Panama City, Panama. Cool! Someplace interesting! Once there, they have to go to the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (which fascinates my science geek heart) and find some guy lounging in a hammock (which doesn't). Although lounging in a hammock waiting to give clues to wandering passersby does sound like an ideal way to spend a day to me. Walter is pleased that the Bransens are all equals on the race. I wouldn't say him lagging and panting while the girls try to hurry him along make them equals, exactly, but I'm happy he's happy. The Paolos leave at 12:41 AM. Marion weepily interviews that she wishes DJ would hug her and tell her he loves her. We're supposed to feel sorry for her, and maybe I would if she wasn't such an unpleasant person. Seems to me that not being hugged is a pretty fair consequence for being obnoxious. The Linzes leave at 12:49 AM. Megan interviews that she's not as physically fit as her brothers, which can slow them down. Yeah, but she's the smart one, which speeds them up. Tommy makes some joke about them going to Panama City, Florida to ogle girls at spring break. See, Meg? You contribute by not being like that.
The Bransens are calling the airport from their cab. They seem to only be able to choose between Continental or American. Maybe the clue specified that they had to take one of those carriers, but we never hear why no other airlines were considered. Thanks for nothing, editors. All three lead teams wind up waiting at the counter at Continental (which has the better flight) for them to open. We're back at the mat, where the Pink Ladies are leaving at 1:39 AM. Jeepers. How did they fall so far back? Christine gets even more annoying than she was last week as she interviews that she may be bossy, but her ideas are always the best. Yeah, that brainwave to carry your heavy packs for no reason while running through the French Quarter was a real winner, Christine. At 1:52, the Weavers take off. Linda does her customary reading of the destination as if she's never heard of it in her life. "Pennsylvania?" "Washington?" "Panama?" Rebecca interviews that her family doesn't need alliances, thank you very much. I'm sure that has to do with their strategy, and not that nobody else can stand them. Finally, the Gaghans at 1:54 AM. They don't mind being second-to-last at the finish. I should say not. They seem to wind up there a lot.
Everyone's excited to get out of the United States for a while. I don't blame them. It's pretty joyless here these days. They all line up at the Continental counter. The Linzes and Bransens get their tickets. Then, a shining example of why Marion remains hugless. She asks DJ "Do you want me to do it, or do you want to do it?" referring to buying the tickets. He says he'll handle it. She replies with "You got it. You'll do everything. Nobody can do anything but you." Passive? Meet aggressive. God, what a bitch. DJ and Marion snipe at each other as they step up to buy the tickets. First the Pink Ladies "joke" about them stepping out of line if they're going to hold everyone up with the bickering, then butt in with how shamefully DJ treats Marion. Yeah, she's really put upon. She certainly doesn't bring any of that poor behavior on herself. Plus, who raised DJ to be such a brat? A shiny new penny if you guessed Marion (I doubt Tony does much child-rearing). Also, mind your own business, Pink Ladies. These people suck.
The Paolos also manage to make the Continental flight, but the Pink Ladies are out of luck, so they (and the Gaghans and Weavers) are stuck on an American flight that arrives in Panama more than 3 hours later. The lead flight lands. Everyone grabs a taxi. Bicker, argue, mangled Spanish. The usual. They teams arrive at the docks. They have to take a boat to the institute, which is on an island, but the boats don't leave until 7:00 AM. Hope you enjoyed all that airport intrigue, since it didn't matter one damn iota. Everyone just lines up for the boats, same as they did for the airline tickets. Zzzzzz. The second plane arrives, and we get more of the same, though the mangled Spanish on the part of the Weavers is more offensive. Shocking. The trailing teams arrive at the docks, affirm the order they're leaving the next day, and go to sleep.
Morning. There's a lot of talk about "keeping the order", which makes me think someone's going to try and cut in line and cause some drama, but everyone's a good sport. Aw. That is so sweet. And dull. The teams start crossing the crocodile-infested river, which is part of the Panama Canal. It's very pretty, though I could do without the teams yelling "Andale!" and "Vamanos!" at their drivers. The Linzes have an extremely slow driver, and start getting passed by everyone. They're upset, but should count their blessings, because the Gaghan driver isn't even taking them to the right place. He says he's going to pick someone up elsewhere, then drop them at the institute. Aiiiiie!!! They freak out.
Commercials. I've only seen about 10 seconds of that little kid in the new Zorro movie, and I already want to push him in front of a bus.
The Gaghans discover that when they stop shrieking and start asking nicely, the driver will drop them off at the institute. See, that wasn't so hard. Want to pass the "nice" lesson along to Marion? "That was a scare," Tammy says, acting pretty good-natured for what just happened to them. She doesn't know that the Bad Luck Imp isn't done with her yet. The lead teams land and start asking people if they are the scientist they're looking for, Ricardo Diaz. The first one the Paolos ask isn't him. So there are multiple hammock dwellers? Heh. Everyone rushes around looking for Ricardo. Wow, that place is beautiful. Must be nice to work on a tropical island with hammocks set up everywhere. The Pink Ladies are first to find the clue. The clue contains not only the Detour, but the Fast Forward. The Pink Ladies are in first, so they turn up their noses at the Fast Forward, saying they won't need it. Well, that was dumb. Let's put aside for the moment the fact that by ditching the Fast Forward, they know they won't finish in first and thus won't have a good jump on the next leg or win a nifty prize. When there was a Fast Forward on every leg (back when the show was, you know, good), people really did need to spare using it until they really felt they needed it. But when there is only one on the entire race, there is literally zero point in not using it if you're the first to get the clue. None. Let's say you're in first place. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, then a lagging team will, and pass you by. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, you're going to spend the day doing strenuous tasks that you could have otherwise avoided. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, it's not going to be there for you on a later leg when you do need it. It's bad planning on the part of the producers, but it's also bad racing. Nowadays, you find a Fast Forward when you're in first place? You take it.
Anyhow, the Pink Ladies stupidly ignore the Fast Forward and concentrate on the Detour. The choices? Rhythm or Coos. Oh, that is a terrible pun. Is my Dad writing for the show now? In Rhythm, teams take a bus to a nearby neighborhood, and visit several locations to pick up four musical instruments (trumpet, trombone, saxophone, and conga drum). Once a team has all four instruments, they deliver them to a jazz club to get their next clue. In Coos, teams take the bus to a rainforest site and search the canopy with binoculars for wooden replicas of five local birds. They then circle the birds in wax pencil on what looks like a Denny's placemat. Circle the wrong birds, and you have to start over. The Pink Ladies go for the instruments. The Paolos have discovered Ricardo Diaz. They neglect to be complete dumbasses and go for the Fast Forward (although in their shoes, I would have assumed the Pink Ladies would have taken it). The Fast Forward is a tandem bungee jump over the Panama Canal. Looks fun, if terrifying. The Weavers find Ricardo Diaz, and choose the birds. The Gaghans are only now arriving at the institute as the Bransens find Ricardo Diaz, and choose birds. The Linzes get the clue, and head for the instruments. The Gaghans reach the clue as well, and continue their streak of being pleasant, fun, and dumb by going for the Fast Forward. Did they really think none of the other teams (who are all in front of them) would go for it? Sigh. I like the Gaghans, so it pains me to watch them continually race like complete doofs.
Christine. You know the Pink Lady who interviewed that she's bossy because she's got such good ideas? Yeah, she's asking people where the buses are. The buses...on the island. The island...that's surrounded by water. The pieces finally fall into place, and she realizes they have to take the boat back to the mainland first, but not before the fourteen people who still watch this show have rolled their eyes a few times. Everyone jumps into their boats. Linda calls to the Linz driver to go slowly. The Linzes hear this and call her a bitch, although not to her face or anything. The Gaghans' driver still sucks. The Pink Ladies give their driver a couple bucks to go faster. Apparently, the Linz driver isn't beholden to Linda, as they blow by the Weavers. A bunch of the boats go the wrong way (Do the boat drivers not know where the dock is? I don't understand that at all), so the Paolos manage to reach the docks first. The teams pile into their buses. Looks like each team gets their own. The Linzes and Pink Ladies decide to work together on the Detour. The Linzes pass along the story of Linda telling their driver to go slow, so the two teams share a lovely moment of Weaver hate together. The Gaghans are essentially following the Paolos so they should know that they'll never get the Fast Forward, but they're trying nonetheless, bless their dumb little hearts. Bill is getting the kids jazzed about jumping. He's hot.
Teams are getting directions to where they need to go. I guess the bus drivers either don't know or aren't allowed to tell them, so again, thanks for keeping the audience in the loop, show. Linda asks someone for directions (in Spanish) and he answers (in English) that he's going that way, so they can follow. The Pink Ladies hire a taxi to follow. Heh. The Linzes call the Godlewskis "The Pink Ladies" too. I thought only the Shroeders did that. The Linzes follow them. In the bus to the Fast Forward, DJ is explaining his fear of heights, saying he's scared he might pass out. Faced with this show of vulnerability, Marion tells him not to worry because she's sure he can do it, and that she'll be there to support him. Nah, just yanking your chain. She actually says that if he passes out, she'll kill him. The line to hug her and express your love for her forms at the left. The Gaghans think they may be able to beat the Paolos in a footrace to the bungee jump, and in their excitement, Tammy trips a little and Carissa bonks into the back of her, which propels Tammy into the back of a van. Yowch. Probably because of that, the Paolos grab the ticket for the bungee jump first. The Gaghans tell themselves that the Paolos will chicken out. Not bloody likely. In fact, Marion correctly states that if they don't do it, the Gaghans will, so they have no choice but to jump. Brian and Tony are paired up and jump with no problems, and Tony gives Brian a pretty sweet *mwwwaaaah!* on the side of his head. DJ and Marion are strapped together, about to jump into midair. It's DJ's worst nightmare, and it's beginning to look like he may back out.
Commercials. Man, am I sick of commercials that show how wonderful cars handle out by themselves in the desert. Who cares how cars handle when there's nobody else around? Show me how the cars handle when it's snowing and I'm stuck at the interbelt on Highway 40 during rush hour.
So of course DJ and Marion jump, because they have no choice. DJ kisses his mom on the forehead, mostly because he's glad he survived. Directly after this heartwarming scene, we hear "Son of a bitch!" from Bill Gaghan, because they have to go back to the Detour, which they should have done a long time ago. I'm a little surprised he yelled that in front of his kids, but we never see him say it, only hear him, so maybe it was edited in from an interview or something. Not that I fucking care that much about swearing, for fuck's sake. They decide to go for the instruments. The Paolos, meanwhile, are celebrating. Marion's mostly happy because DJ loves her now, but I think what he really loves is not being a splat mark on the sidewalk. They're off to the pit stop, the Miraflores Locks, which is the Pacific entrance to the Panama Canal.
The Bransens are lost, but the Weavers have found the bird park. Linda thanks God that they stopped and asked for directions, because without that particular divine intervention, I'm sure they would have just driven around in circles for hours. "Mom, can we ask for directions?" "No, I haven't gotten the go-ahead from God yet." They circle five birds, but they're not the right ones. No word on whether that's God's fault or not. The Bransens arrive and start their bird circling as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive at the Detour neighborhood and find their saxophones. The Paolos arrive at the pit stop, and win a trip to Panama. While they're standing in Panama. Heh. Sure, they'll be staying in a resort instead of the floor of a dock station, but it was still kinda funny. We get inspirational music as Marion talks about DJ kissing her, so he must really love her and such. Oh, crap. They're not getting The Redemption Edit, are they? The story arc where a team starts out as awful, but they don't lose, so the editors have to start showing any little nice moment in a desperate attempt to make us like them so we won't be upset when they win? Man, I hope not.
The Weavers have corrected the problem with their birds, so they're done. The clue sends them 2 miles to a baseball stadium for their next clue. I didn't know they enjoyed baseball in Panama. Aren't they soccer-crazy like the rest of the world? The Bransens get their birds on the first try, so they're off to the stadium as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies have found their trumpets. One of the Pink Ladies talks about how well the two families work as a team. Oh, I see why. It's because when they find their conga drum, Christine directs one of the Linz boys to carry it for them. No wonder she thinks they work well together. They pick up the trombone as well, so they head for the jazz club. I don't think a single Pink Lady is carrying a single instrument. The Gaghans grabs themselves a Fern to help them find the instruments. The Linzes and Pink Ladies find the jazz club, where there are a bunch of awesome dancers. Not only are they dancing awesomely, but they completely ignore the families as they try to put the instruments in the proper cases. Heh. The teams head for the stadium. The Gaghans pick up their final instrument as the Weavers arrive at the stadium. Roadblock. It involves getting a homerun or a base hit against a championship Little League pitcher. If they don't get a hit within three pitches, they have to let any waiting teams go next.
Rolly takes on the Roadblock. He's swinging left-handed and gets a strike on the first pitch. The Bransens arrive and Elizabeth volunteers. Rolly strikes out, so she heads to the plate. She strikes out, too. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive, and Nick and Sharon will be the batters. As Rolly steps up to the plate, one of the Linzes does the "hey battabattabatta...SWING!" thing that people do at baseball games. This earns Linda's ire, and she snaps, "You guys, hush. We're encouraging everyone." Yeah, if by "everyone" you mean "Rolly". Plus, I don't remember you being so kind when you were telling their driver to go slowly. Plus plus, everyone does the battabattabatta thing. It's not rude. So in summary: shut up, Linda. Rolly (now magically right-handed) does hit a pitch and it's an easy out, but the ball rolls gently between the pitcher's legs. "Champion" little-leaguer my ass. The Weavers head for the pit stop, still griping about how rude the Linzes are and letting themselves bask in an aura of superiority at how much better people they are. I ask to retract my "shut up" and insert a "fuck off" in its place. Thanks.
The Gaghans drop off their instruments. Back at the stadium, Beth is being too critical in judging her pitches. You can't walk if you get four balls, Beth, so swing at everything. She does manage to crack one, so the Bransens are off. Nick Linz gets on base on his first try (though not on the first pitch). On the way to the pit stop, a Linz brother tells his siblings about Linda yelling at him. Megan says "I would have told her to go screw herself." Go, Meg! The Gaghans get to the stadium, and Bill takes the Roadblock. Sharon strikes out. Bill Gaghan steps up and cranks it out of the park on the first pitch. Nice! Oh, and hot. Sharon's still having problems. She says she's exhausted. From what? From one at-bat? From not carrying instruments?
Commercials. Oh, look. More various car commercials featuring their vehicle all by itself out in the desert.
Sharon finally gets a base hit. The Weavers arrive at the mat as team number two. Bleh. The Paolos and Weavers as the first two teams? What have I done to deserve this? The Gaghans, convinced that all the bad luck they've had this leg is behind them, find out that it's not the case as their bus is blocked by...it looks like someone delivering a soda machine. Probably not the product placement Pepsi was looking for. The Pink Ladies are putting all the clothes they brought on in case it's a non-elimination leg. Apparently, all they brought along was underwear. Seriously, each one of them has, like, twenty pairs of panties on. The Gaghans are still stuck. The Bransens hit the mat as team number 3. The Linzes are right behind as team 4. The Gaghans can finally proceed. The Pink Ladies are almost there, too. They giggle about wearing all their clothing. Who will it be?
My God, it's the Gaghans, second-to-last yet again. How do they keep doing that? The Pink Ladies are the last team to arrive, but are spared by the first non-elimination point. Phil takes all their money. Who cares? Money has barely been an issue at all so far. He also takes all their possessions, which is pretty much just their empty backpacks. A Pink Lady interviews that they all have wits, charm, and beauty. Hilariously, this is played over a shot of Christine (the one who wanted to take a bus off an island) wearing a sort of black beekeeper veil over her head. It's as flattering as it sounds. They vow to bounce back.
Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams cross a suspension bridge in what may be one of the most beautiful spots in the world, and still manage to bitch about it. The Weavers get their car stuck, and Linda throws a tantrum. Oh, won't that be lovely?
Overall Grade: C
Previously on The Amazing Race: The show tried to make us feel better about the South's horrific losses in Hurricane Katrina by showing us the most boring parts of it. I do hope that magnificent roadside office chair managed to survive the onslaught. Six families remain. Who will (or won't) be eliminated tonight?
Credits. Stop showing me the Aiellos. I just get a pang of sadness every time. And also a pang of hotness. Commercials. Maybe this show should stop referring back to earlier (read: better) seasons. It's just an additional reminder of how lame this one is.
New Orleans, Louisiana. Some really pretty shots of the city are followed by an extremely unpretty shot of Tony Paolo molesting Phil. After the normal blah-be-dee-blah, the Bransens are off at 12:40 AM. Elizabeth is wearing that goddamn hat again. Their clue tells them to fly to Panama City, Panama. Cool! Someplace interesting! Once there, they have to go to the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (which fascinates my science geek heart) and find some guy lounging in a hammock (which doesn't). Although lounging in a hammock waiting to give clues to wandering passersby does sound like an ideal way to spend a day to me. Walter is pleased that the Bransens are all equals on the race. I wouldn't say him lagging and panting while the girls try to hurry him along make them equals, exactly, but I'm happy he's happy. The Paolos leave at 12:41 AM. Marion weepily interviews that she wishes DJ would hug her and tell her he loves her. We're supposed to feel sorry for her, and maybe I would if she wasn't such an unpleasant person. Seems to me that not being hugged is a pretty fair consequence for being obnoxious. The Linzes leave at 12:49 AM. Megan interviews that she's not as physically fit as her brothers, which can slow them down. Yeah, but she's the smart one, which speeds them up. Tommy makes some joke about them going to Panama City, Florida to ogle girls at spring break. See, Meg? You contribute by not being like that.
The Bransens are calling the airport from their cab. They seem to only be able to choose between Continental or American. Maybe the clue specified that they had to take one of those carriers, but we never hear why no other airlines were considered. Thanks for nothing, editors. All three lead teams wind up waiting at the counter at Continental (which has the better flight) for them to open. We're back at the mat, where the Pink Ladies are leaving at 1:39 AM. Jeepers. How did they fall so far back? Christine gets even more annoying than she was last week as she interviews that she may be bossy, but her ideas are always the best. Yeah, that brainwave to carry your heavy packs for no reason while running through the French Quarter was a real winner, Christine. At 1:52, the Weavers take off. Linda does her customary reading of the destination as if she's never heard of it in her life. "Pennsylvania?" "Washington?" "Panama?" Rebecca interviews that her family doesn't need alliances, thank you very much. I'm sure that has to do with their strategy, and not that nobody else can stand them. Finally, the Gaghans at 1:54 AM. They don't mind being second-to-last at the finish. I should say not. They seem to wind up there a lot.
Everyone's excited to get out of the United States for a while. I don't blame them. It's pretty joyless here these days. They all line up at the Continental counter. The Linzes and Bransens get their tickets. Then, a shining example of why Marion remains hugless. She asks DJ "Do you want me to do it, or do you want to do it?" referring to buying the tickets. He says he'll handle it. She replies with "You got it. You'll do everything. Nobody can do anything but you." Passive? Meet aggressive. God, what a bitch. DJ and Marion snipe at each other as they step up to buy the tickets. First the Pink Ladies "joke" about them stepping out of line if they're going to hold everyone up with the bickering, then butt in with how shamefully DJ treats Marion. Yeah, she's really put upon. She certainly doesn't bring any of that poor behavior on herself. Plus, who raised DJ to be such a brat? A shiny new penny if you guessed Marion (I doubt Tony does much child-rearing). Also, mind your own business, Pink Ladies. These people suck.
The Paolos also manage to make the Continental flight, but the Pink Ladies are out of luck, so they (and the Gaghans and Weavers) are stuck on an American flight that arrives in Panama more than 3 hours later. The lead flight lands. Everyone grabs a taxi. Bicker, argue, mangled Spanish. The usual. They teams arrive at the docks. They have to take a boat to the institute, which is on an island, but the boats don't leave until 7:00 AM. Hope you enjoyed all that airport intrigue, since it didn't matter one damn iota. Everyone just lines up for the boats, same as they did for the airline tickets. Zzzzzz. The second plane arrives, and we get more of the same, though the mangled Spanish on the part of the Weavers is more offensive. Shocking. The trailing teams arrive at the docks, affirm the order they're leaving the next day, and go to sleep.
Morning. There's a lot of talk about "keeping the order", which makes me think someone's going to try and cut in line and cause some drama, but everyone's a good sport. Aw. That is so sweet. And dull. The teams start crossing the crocodile-infested river, which is part of the Panama Canal. It's very pretty, though I could do without the teams yelling "Andale!" and "Vamanos!" at their drivers. The Linzes have an extremely slow driver, and start getting passed by everyone. They're upset, but should count their blessings, because the Gaghan driver isn't even taking them to the right place. He says he's going to pick someone up elsewhere, then drop them at the institute. Aiiiiie!!! They freak out.
Commercials. I've only seen about 10 seconds of that little kid in the new Zorro movie, and I already want to push him in front of a bus.
The Gaghans discover that when they stop shrieking and start asking nicely, the driver will drop them off at the institute. See, that wasn't so hard. Want to pass the "nice" lesson along to Marion? "That was a scare," Tammy says, acting pretty good-natured for what just happened to them. She doesn't know that the Bad Luck Imp isn't done with her yet. The lead teams land and start asking people if they are the scientist they're looking for, Ricardo Diaz. The first one the Paolos ask isn't him. So there are multiple hammock dwellers? Heh. Everyone rushes around looking for Ricardo. Wow, that place is beautiful. Must be nice to work on a tropical island with hammocks set up everywhere. The Pink Ladies are first to find the clue. The clue contains not only the Detour, but the Fast Forward. The Pink Ladies are in first, so they turn up their noses at the Fast Forward, saying they won't need it. Well, that was dumb. Let's put aside for the moment the fact that by ditching the Fast Forward, they know they won't finish in first and thus won't have a good jump on the next leg or win a nifty prize. When there was a Fast Forward on every leg (back when the show was, you know, good), people really did need to spare using it until they really felt they needed it. But when there is only one on the entire race, there is literally zero point in not using it if you're the first to get the clue. None. Let's say you're in first place. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, then a lagging team will, and pass you by. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, you're going to spend the day doing strenuous tasks that you could have otherwise avoided. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, it's not going to be there for you on a later leg when you do need it. It's bad planning on the part of the producers, but it's also bad racing. Nowadays, you find a Fast Forward when you're in first place? You take it.
Anyhow, the Pink Ladies stupidly ignore the Fast Forward and concentrate on the Detour. The choices? Rhythm or Coos. Oh, that is a terrible pun. Is my Dad writing for the show now? In Rhythm, teams take a bus to a nearby neighborhood, and visit several locations to pick up four musical instruments (trumpet, trombone, saxophone, and conga drum). Once a team has all four instruments, they deliver them to a jazz club to get their next clue. In Coos, teams take the bus to a rainforest site and search the canopy with binoculars for wooden replicas of five local birds. They then circle the birds in wax pencil on what looks like a Denny's placemat. Circle the wrong birds, and you have to start over. The Pink Ladies go for the instruments. The Paolos have discovered Ricardo Diaz. They neglect to be complete dumbasses and go for the Fast Forward (although in their shoes, I would have assumed the Pink Ladies would have taken it). The Fast Forward is a tandem bungee jump over the Panama Canal. Looks fun, if terrifying. The Weavers find Ricardo Diaz, and choose the birds. The Gaghans are only now arriving at the institute as the Bransens find Ricardo Diaz, and choose birds. The Linzes get the clue, and head for the instruments. The Gaghans reach the clue as well, and continue their streak of being pleasant, fun, and dumb by going for the Fast Forward. Did they really think none of the other teams (who are all in front of them) would go for it? Sigh. I like the Gaghans, so it pains me to watch them continually race like complete doofs.
Christine. You know the Pink Lady who interviewed that she's bossy because she's got such good ideas? Yeah, she's asking people where the buses are. The buses...on the island. The island...that's surrounded by water. The pieces finally fall into place, and she realizes they have to take the boat back to the mainland first, but not before the fourteen people who still watch this show have rolled their eyes a few times. Everyone jumps into their boats. Linda calls to the Linz driver to go slowly. The Linzes hear this and call her a bitch, although not to her face or anything. The Gaghans' driver still sucks. The Pink Ladies give their driver a couple bucks to go faster. Apparently, the Linz driver isn't beholden to Linda, as they blow by the Weavers. A bunch of the boats go the wrong way (Do the boat drivers not know where the dock is? I don't understand that at all), so the Paolos manage to reach the docks first. The teams pile into their buses. Looks like each team gets their own. The Linzes and Pink Ladies decide to work together on the Detour. The Linzes pass along the story of Linda telling their driver to go slow, so the two teams share a lovely moment of Weaver hate together. The Gaghans are essentially following the Paolos so they should know that they'll never get the Fast Forward, but they're trying nonetheless, bless their dumb little hearts. Bill is getting the kids jazzed about jumping. He's hot.
Teams are getting directions to where they need to go. I guess the bus drivers either don't know or aren't allowed to tell them, so again, thanks for keeping the audience in the loop, show. Linda asks someone for directions (in Spanish) and he answers (in English) that he's going that way, so they can follow. The Pink Ladies hire a taxi to follow. Heh. The Linzes call the Godlewskis "The Pink Ladies" too. I thought only the Shroeders did that. The Linzes follow them. In the bus to the Fast Forward, DJ is explaining his fear of heights, saying he's scared he might pass out. Faced with this show of vulnerability, Marion tells him not to worry because she's sure he can do it, and that she'll be there to support him. Nah, just yanking your chain. She actually says that if he passes out, she'll kill him. The line to hug her and express your love for her forms at the left. The Gaghans think they may be able to beat the Paolos in a footrace to the bungee jump, and in their excitement, Tammy trips a little and Carissa bonks into the back of her, which propels Tammy into the back of a van. Yowch. Probably because of that, the Paolos grab the ticket for the bungee jump first. The Gaghans tell themselves that the Paolos will chicken out. Not bloody likely. In fact, Marion correctly states that if they don't do it, the Gaghans will, so they have no choice but to jump. Brian and Tony are paired up and jump with no problems, and Tony gives Brian a pretty sweet *mwwwaaaah!* on the side of his head. DJ and Marion are strapped together, about to jump into midair. It's DJ's worst nightmare, and it's beginning to look like he may back out.
Commercials. Man, am I sick of commercials that show how wonderful cars handle out by themselves in the desert. Who cares how cars handle when there's nobody else around? Show me how the cars handle when it's snowing and I'm stuck at the interbelt on Highway 40 during rush hour.
So of course DJ and Marion jump, because they have no choice. DJ kisses his mom on the forehead, mostly because he's glad he survived. Directly after this heartwarming scene, we hear "Son of a bitch!" from Bill Gaghan, because they have to go back to the Detour, which they should have done a long time ago. I'm a little surprised he yelled that in front of his kids, but we never see him say it, only hear him, so maybe it was edited in from an interview or something. Not that I fucking care that much about swearing, for fuck's sake. They decide to go for the instruments. The Paolos, meanwhile, are celebrating. Marion's mostly happy because DJ loves her now, but I think what he really loves is not being a splat mark on the sidewalk. They're off to the pit stop, the Miraflores Locks, which is the Pacific entrance to the Panama Canal.
The Bransens are lost, but the Weavers have found the bird park. Linda thanks God that they stopped and asked for directions, because without that particular divine intervention, I'm sure they would have just driven around in circles for hours. "Mom, can we ask for directions?" "No, I haven't gotten the go-ahead from God yet." They circle five birds, but they're not the right ones. No word on whether that's God's fault or not. The Bransens arrive and start their bird circling as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive at the Detour neighborhood and find their saxophones. The Paolos arrive at the pit stop, and win a trip to Panama. While they're standing in Panama. Heh. Sure, they'll be staying in a resort instead of the floor of a dock station, but it was still kinda funny. We get inspirational music as Marion talks about DJ kissing her, so he must really love her and such. Oh, crap. They're not getting The Redemption Edit, are they? The story arc where a team starts out as awful, but they don't lose, so the editors have to start showing any little nice moment in a desperate attempt to make us like them so we won't be upset when they win? Man, I hope not.
The Weavers have corrected the problem with their birds, so they're done. The clue sends them 2 miles to a baseball stadium for their next clue. I didn't know they enjoyed baseball in Panama. Aren't they soccer-crazy like the rest of the world? The Bransens get their birds on the first try, so they're off to the stadium as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies have found their trumpets. One of the Pink Ladies talks about how well the two families work as a team. Oh, I see why. It's because when they find their conga drum, Christine directs one of the Linz boys to carry it for them. No wonder she thinks they work well together. They pick up the trombone as well, so they head for the jazz club. I don't think a single Pink Lady is carrying a single instrument. The Gaghans grabs themselves a Fern to help them find the instruments. The Linzes and Pink Ladies find the jazz club, where there are a bunch of awesome dancers. Not only are they dancing awesomely, but they completely ignore the families as they try to put the instruments in the proper cases. Heh. The teams head for the stadium. The Gaghans pick up their final instrument as the Weavers arrive at the stadium. Roadblock. It involves getting a homerun or a base hit against a championship Little League pitcher. If they don't get a hit within three pitches, they have to let any waiting teams go next.
Rolly takes on the Roadblock. He's swinging left-handed and gets a strike on the first pitch. The Bransens arrive and Elizabeth volunteers. Rolly strikes out, so she heads to the plate. She strikes out, too. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive, and Nick and Sharon will be the batters. As Rolly steps up to the plate, one of the Linzes does the "hey battabattabatta...SWING!" thing that people do at baseball games. This earns Linda's ire, and she snaps, "You guys, hush. We're encouraging everyone." Yeah, if by "everyone" you mean "Rolly". Plus, I don't remember you being so kind when you were telling their driver to go slowly. Plus plus, everyone does the battabattabatta thing. It's not rude. So in summary: shut up, Linda. Rolly (now magically right-handed) does hit a pitch and it's an easy out, but the ball rolls gently between the pitcher's legs. "Champion" little-leaguer my ass. The Weavers head for the pit stop, still griping about how rude the Linzes are and letting themselves bask in an aura of superiority at how much better people they are. I ask to retract my "shut up" and insert a "fuck off" in its place. Thanks.
The Gaghans drop off their instruments. Back at the stadium, Beth is being too critical in judging her pitches. You can't walk if you get four balls, Beth, so swing at everything. She does manage to crack one, so the Bransens are off. Nick Linz gets on base on his first try (though not on the first pitch). On the way to the pit stop, a Linz brother tells his siblings about Linda yelling at him. Megan says "I would have told her to go screw herself." Go, Meg! The Gaghans get to the stadium, and Bill takes the Roadblock. Sharon strikes out. Bill Gaghan steps up and cranks it out of the park on the first pitch. Nice! Oh, and hot. Sharon's still having problems. She says she's exhausted. From what? From one at-bat? From not carrying instruments?
Commercials. Oh, look. More various car commercials featuring their vehicle all by itself out in the desert.
Sharon finally gets a base hit. The Weavers arrive at the mat as team number two. Bleh. The Paolos and Weavers as the first two teams? What have I done to deserve this? The Gaghans, convinced that all the bad luck they've had this leg is behind them, find out that it's not the case as their bus is blocked by...it looks like someone delivering a soda machine. Probably not the product placement Pepsi was looking for. The Pink Ladies are putting all the clothes they brought on in case it's a non-elimination leg. Apparently, all they brought along was underwear. Seriously, each one of them has, like, twenty pairs of panties on. The Gaghans are still stuck. The Bransens hit the mat as team number 3. The Linzes are right behind as team 4. The Gaghans can finally proceed. The Pink Ladies are almost there, too. They giggle about wearing all their clothing. Who will it be?
My God, it's the Gaghans, second-to-last yet again. How do they keep doing that? The Pink Ladies are the last team to arrive, but are spared by the first non-elimination point. Phil takes all their money. Who cares? Money has barely been an issue at all so far. He also takes all their possessions, which is pretty much just their empty backpacks. A Pink Lady interviews that they all have wits, charm, and beauty. Hilariously, this is played over a shot of Christine (the one who wanted to take a bus off an island) wearing a sort of black beekeeper veil over her head. It's as flattering as it sounds. They vow to bounce back.
Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams cross a suspension bridge in what may be one of the most beautiful spots in the world, and still manage to bitch about it. The Weavers get their car stuck, and Linda throws a tantrum. Oh, won't that be lovely?
Overall Grade: C
Monday, October 24, 2005
The Girl Who Loves Bubbles and Talks to Plants
America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jayla was a horrible example for Jehovah's Witnesses. She neglects to mention that she's a horrible example for the rest of humanity as well, but we'll get to that later. Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves, but Coryn was the only one with balls enough (probably literally) to confront her. And the token plus-sized model took her customary dive with the deserved, yet saddening elimination of Diane. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Bel Air. Nike's sad that her friend Diane was cut, so she feels like she shouldn't have any strong relationships in the house. She vows to be the quiet girl from now on. From now on? Have we heard her utter more than six words at a stretch? Meanwhile, Jayla interviews that she will do whatever it takes to win, "clawing her way to the top" if she has to. Oh, well then I'm sure completely unreasonable personal vendettas won't get in the way of that competitive spirit. Some of the girls lounge in the hot tub, and Fugly Lisa has the idea to put some bubbles into it. We get to relive the whole Fugly Lisa/Coryn smackdown of last week, which I'm not going to revisit forty times like the show does. Kim interviews that Fugly Lisa always needs to be the center of attention. Yep, I'd say so. Fugly Lisa rambles nonsensically about how much she loves bubbles. What's funny is that Kyle gives her a look like she's completely insane, but Kyle herself has a big ol' bubble foam hat on her head at the time, so she looks like kind of a loon herself. Heh. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa goes through entire bottles of wine in about 45 minutes. Yowsa. More shots of nude girls covered in bubbles. My loins fail to stir. Jayla's also sick of Fugly Lisa, hoping that she'll be cannon fodder for this week's elimination.
Morning. OJ invades the model pad, and collects all the girls in the kitchen. There's a bunch of food set up, and Kim interviews that she thought there may be a cooking challenge. Is Kim unaware that this is a modeling competition? This is almost as dumb as when they thought their challenge would involve doing math. OJ says they'll have a special guest, whom he introduces by calling out for "Miss Thing" in such a way that makes me want to punch him with a set of brass knuckles. He tends to have that effect a lot. The special guest is Iman, whose name I know, but whose career I know very little about. She'll turn out to be so boring that I completely forgot to include her in the little blurblet about this episode. She is pretty, though. She explains that you need good skin to be a model, and that you can make homemade skin products out of common household foods, which is what they're there to do. OJ hands out recipe cards, and they get started. Kim and Jayla's products make it look like someone has thrown up on their faces. Nike looks like Violet Beauregarde. There's some more blather, and Bre gets caught eating some of her ingredients. She's so cute. The point of this entire scene is to introduce the later challenge, in which the girls will be spokesmodels for a honey-banana firming mask. Why they couldn't have just said so instead of this five minutes of filler is beyond me. OJ says that the girls will have to get several product points across during a mock interview. He passes the information out. So that's it for Iman. What a stunning cameo.
The Monster Humvee takes the girls to the challenge. They meet a man who introduces himself as comedian Chris Spencer. He's about as funny as melanoma. He tells them that they'll have a three-minute interview with him. Fugly Lisa interviews that there are 10 product points that they have to memorize, and she brags that she has them down cold. Jayla's up first. I think she does a fine job, but Chris interviews that she bored him to death. I wish. Coryn is legitimately boring, but it doesn't help that Chris is using her interview to tell more "jokes". Is it part of the challenge that he tries to distract them from the product points to see how they react? If so, fine. If not...what a fucking asshole. He also interrupts Bre, and Nike seriously cannot get a word in edgewise, which is bullshit. Kim has written the product points on her hand, but doesn't consider that cheating. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kim. Nicole actually leapfrogs onto my good side by saying that the firming mask is made from bananas from Caracas. Chris asks her where Caracas is in an attempt to trap her. Nicole responds with "I don't exactly know, but I heard they've got really good bananas." Hahahahahaha. Nicole hasn't been objectionable since episode 1, so I think I'll take her off THE LIST. Kyle, who's always so quiet and unassuming in the house, turns out to be quite a ham, and she does a fantastic job outlining the product points, and doesn't allow Chris to lead her off topic. I love Kyle. Fugly Lisa, who you'll remember said she had the product points down cold, completely blows her interview. She sounds very confident, but basically gets all of her facts wrong, and wastes about half her interview doing a little dance. Yeah, I don't know.
Chris proves he's not a complete waste of oxygen by deservedly judging Kyle the winner. She gets to choose one other girl to share in the reward. She mixes it up by choosing Nicole. See? Kyle is a patient listener, doesn't openly badmouth people even when they deserve it, Lisa, and tries to spread her good fortune around. She's my official favorite. Sorry, Bre. The reward is that they get to do some host segments for a VH1 show about supermodels. They're excited. Jayla nastily says that Kyle winning two challenges in a row isn't fair. It'd be different if she were kidding, but it seems fairly clear that she's not. Fugly Lisa, already upset because she didn't win the challenge (er...was she expecting to?), takes an offhand remark from Coryn about her dancing as an open insult, and the fight is on again. Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she needs to stop hating on people. Coryn has no problem with anyone but Lisa, but I'm sure it brings Fugly Lisa comfort to imagine that other souls are suffering the burden of Coryn's hate along with her. It's more of the same fighting, except that Fugly Lisa says that Coryn's the only one who dislikes her, and Coryn correctly replies that she's the only one who's openly stated as much. Yeah, I think we've seen enough interviews featuring Kim's open contempt of Fugly Lisa to know that Coryn's not exactly alone in her feelings. Oh, and Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she's "presenting herself like a moron" (whatever that means) and Coryn responds that Lisa's an alcoholic bitch. The other girls sit around in uncomfortable silence.
Commercials. Shut up, Kirsten Dunst.
And...we're back. And we get to see the "alcoholic bitch" comment again, but it doesn't lead into more fighting or anything. The next shot is just the girls getting back into the Monster Humvee. Fugly Lisa finally catches the snap, and figures out that maybe these girls aren't her best friends ever. Ya think, Lisa? Nike interviews that she doesn't like it when people fight or when there's drama, so she tends to withdraw when that happens. I do the same thing. You just try to make yourself completely invisible so that people don't try to enlist you in either side.
Back at the pad, Jayla and Nicole are out by the pool, and Jayla is trashing Fugly Lisa. She's absolutely correct on substance, but the way she's saying it makes her sound like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitch. Not only that, but she's complaining that Fugly Lisa doesn't get that everyone hates her; not just Coryn. Well, nobody but Coryn's ever confronted her and Fugly Lisa's kind of delusional, so why wouldn't she think that? I mean, I could understand this confusion on Jayla's part if Fugly Lisa had been fighting with everyone, but she hasn't. Nicole tries to stay out of it, only remarking that Fugly Lisa thinks she knows it all, but not attacking her personally or anything. Jayla snots that the pad is like high school. Yeah, it's not like Jayla herself would ever perpetuate a bunch of immature bullshit.
The next day, it's time for Kyle and Nicole's reward, which is being shot in the model pad. The director shows up and introduces himself. They get started. Fugly Lisa interviews that if she would have won the challenge, she would have done better at the hosting segments. This is the delusional Fugly Lisa we're all familiar with, because she doesn't even consider that the reason she's not hosting the VH1 show is that she did such a crappy job at the challenge that called for her to speak well. She whines that if she had won, she would "talk very sophisticated" (like...nice start), and that she'd give her opinions (and I'm sure the director would have been thrilled with her deviating from the script). It's like she's stuck on a Mobius strip of stupidity. Not only that, but she's bitching about it so loudly that the director has to come in and tell her to keep it down so they can shoot the damn thing. He asks her to be quiet for thirty seconds. She manages about three. She rolls her eyes and talks about how disgusted she is. Yeah, she's the picture of professional behavior.
Which is our segue into the Fugly Lisa is A Big Ol' Booze Hag segment! Won't that be fun? Kyle thinks Fugly Lisa's drinking may be a big problem for her. Nicole thinks so too, calling her behavior "bizarre". We follow this with a shot of Fugly Lisa belching loudly. Nice. She bumbles around, knocking over glasses. The other girls laugh at her. She sulkily retires to a beach chair, interviewing about how betrayed she feels, and then starts talking out loud to a nearby plant that she has named "cousin 'it'" (and learn to spell, show - it's Cousin Itt), saying that she and the plant are like the same. Hmm. You remember in Cycle One how the show tried to make us believe that Elyse had an eating disorder and how I didn't buy it, because it was just a bunch of hearsay from the other girls? This I buy. It's not just the other girls branding Fugly Lisa an alcoholic because they dislike her. She's clearly smashed in a lot of scenes, and that probably goes to the heart of why she's so unlikeable. Drunk people are funny for a little while, as a source of amusement, but they are no fun to hang out with for extended periods of time. The other girls continue talking about her drinking as she passes out on the porch chair. Bre goes out to check on her and bring her in. What's weird is that it looks like Coryn goes with her. Huh? As Fugly Lisa cries to her boyfriend on the phone, Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa appears to be a confident person, but that the constant arguing and criticism is eating away at her, as it is for all of them. She wants to help her, but doesn't know how. I think Bre is exactly right, and it's sweet that she's showing such concern for a girl she probably doesn't like very much.
Commercials. We already get a commercial for Everybody Hates Chris in every single ad break. Is it really necessary to have more than one in a two minute span? You want me to watch the show. I GET IT.
Morning. Tyra shows up at the model pad. Kyle's embarrassed to still be in rollers. Heh. Tyra gathers the girls and asks them about their vices. Bre says she relies on sleep a lot. I hear that. Tyra asks about smokers in the group, and says that 98% of models smoke or have smoked. Short PSA about how smoking is bad. Tyra says her own vice is fatty foods. I'm sure we all believe that. Of course, the entire reason Tyra showed up like this is to provoke Fugly Lisa into admitting she drinks. She does admit it, but downplays it, saying that a glass of wine calms her down, which is a bit different from stumbling around talking to plants. She says she doesn't drink to get drunk, and Kyle interviews that she was kind of mad that she lied right to Tyra's face. I understand that and all, but it's not like Tyra doesn't see everything that goes on in the house. I think she's pretty wise to Fugly Lisa's game. Tyra leaves.
Tyra Mail. It tells them to be ready at 8 AM. Morning. The girls meet OJ at a soundstage, and he tells them (in another horrible overdub) that they'll be doing an ad for Secret deodorant today, which includes a commercial shoot, a photo shoot, and another mock interview. OJ introduces Bill (the commercial director) and Jason (the photo shoot director). He tells them to think of a little secret to reveal as part of the commercial. The girls go into hair and makeup. Nike practices a little out loud, saying that her secret is that she's scared of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. Jayla overhears her. No problems so far. Meanwhile, Fugly Lisa is shooting her commercial. She actually does a really nice job. Her photo's good too, but she's too...well, she's too Lisa in her interview. You just want her to shut up so bad. Nicole and Bre are fine at the commercial. Kyle overacts a little too much, which I still find surprising. There's some footage of the photo shoot, and a bit of the girls' interviews. Nicole's secret is that she eats ice cream in bed, which Ryan the interviewer dismisses as G-rated. Yeah, it is kind of lame.
Coryn sucks at the commercial and interview. She just falls apart when called upon to be personable. Meanwhile, back in the dressing room, Nike and Jayla have discovered that they have the same secret. They're minutely different in that Jayla's is that she's afraid of the dark, and Nike's is that she's afraid of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. There's still no problem here. If I were Nike, I'd just think of another stupid little secret, and even if she can't, OJ tells her that it's not a big deal that they have the same one. Jayla's up, and she tries her line that she's scared of the dark, but they want more takes, so she replaces it with Nike's line about the nightlight. Nike hears this and is upset. So yeah, on the one hand, Jayla did kind of steal it, which is bitchy, but it's not that big a deal. 1) Nike had plenty of time to pick an entirely different secret. 2) OJ already said that it's not a big deal if they have the same secret. 3) Jayla used the nightlight line, but not that she's scared of the dark, so why doesn't Nike just use that? Instead, the combined stress of having her line stolen and being kind of nervous causes Nike to just unravel. She's pretty bad at the commercial, photo shoot, and interview. She says that she's been sucking all day. Again, it's understandable that she be mad about the line stealing, but she's blowing it out of proportion.
OK. Having said that, let's go into the portion of the evening wherein Jayla completely pisses away any chance that I'd defend her. Nike interviews that she did not say anything to Jayla about the line stealing, because she just figures that karma will take care of it. So she didn't yell at Jayla, didn't fight with her, didn't even say anything about the whole ordeal. That evening, Jayla is sitting out on the porch gossiping with Fugly Lisa. You know, the Fugly Lisa she can't stand and was gossiping about with Nicole earlier. Yeah, Jayla's stripes are starting to show. Not that she's into that high school drama or anything. She tells Fugly Lisa that she's sick of Nike giving her the cold shoulder. Fugly Lisa, delighted at not being the target for a change, pretends that she's sworn to secrecy or whatever, but clearly could not be happier in informing Jayla that Nike's not thrilled with the line stealing. Cut to the beginning of Jayla's confessional where she fumes that she's tired of stupid people. So am I, Jayla. Back on the porch, she flippantly remarks at how she's not going to be friends with certain people after the competition is over. I'm sure Nike burst into tears upon learning that. Back in the confessional, Jayla tries to become all threatening, talking about how something big's going to go down between her and Nike. Because Nike's such a confrontational type? Could someone please tell me how Nike (who responded to Jayla's theft simply by not being her BFF) should be on the business end of an ass-kicking? Jayla's acting like Nike was all up in her face with a broken bottle or something. Plus, Jayla? You're about as intimidating as a Keebler Elf, but nice try.
Commercials. So this lady wants her teeth to be whiter so her lipstick can appear to be an even more whorish shade of red. Got it.
Elimination looms. Coryn's nervous. Nike's nervous. Now instead of aiming for threatening and missing, Jayla is aiming for sarcastically funny. And missing. Seriously, she's seething with hate over Nike not baking her a friendship cake or something. At this point, Fugly Lisa could take lessons in How To Be Completely and Undeservedly Impressed With Yourself from Jayla. It's really disturbing. We enter the Chamber of Doom, and Fugly Lisa is wearing the weirdest outfit ever. Did she steal that flapper headband from the set of Xanadu? The guest judge tonight is Bill, the commercial director. Let's get to the evaluations.
Nicole. The judges like her commercial more than I do, but take her to task for too many "uh", "um" and "like" in the interview. Her photo's great. Tyra says that whoever has the strongest picture will have that picture run in People as an actual ad for Secret. Jayla. They say she's a bit too model-like in the commercial, but knocks the picture and interview out of the park. Coryn. Bill and Nigel call her on her sense of sadness, which seems to permeate everything she does. Can't argue with that. Her picture's nice, though. Kyle. The judges remark on her overacting in the commercial, but love her interview. I like her picture, but they don't think it's strong enough. Bre. Again, the judges don't think the picture is as good as I do, but love her interview and commercial. Kim. She's too slouchy in the commercial, which Nigel actually defends. Feh. Her interview is great, and she's taken what I consider to be her first good picture. Fugly Lisa. Nigel reads my mind and asks her what she was thinking when she got dressed. She says she feels playful (read: drunk). The judges love everything about the ad, and I do have to say she did a really good job. Nike. Her discomfort shows. She did OK at the photo shoot, and had a good interview, but her commercial sucks. She brings up that she felt hurt and betrayed, but doesn't go into detail. I don't want to defend Jayla, but pick one, Nike. Either get it all out or keep quiet. This "one of the other girls was a bitch to me and that's why I did poorly, but I'm not going to say which or how" bit is not going to fly.
Commercials. If you went by TV, you'd think that everyone who works in an office is a complete nutbar. Actually, that's not so far from the truth.
Deliberations. The usual bullshit. The only thing of note is that Nigel says that Fugly Lisa always leaves you wanting more (that's a good thing in this case). He follows this up with: "However, I also can't stand Lisa." Hahahaha. Oh, Nigel. Come over and we'll slag Fugly Lisa together. Then we'll do other things.
Elimination. Fugly Lisa is safe. Jayla. Kim. The next girl is the one with the best photo and shall have her face grace the pages of People. Nicole. She deserves it. And wow, what with this and the VH1 show, she's getting all sorts of exposure. Kyle is safe. Tyra makes fun of her overacting. Heh. Bre is safe. Will Nike and Coryn please step forward? Coryn is too sad. Nike was too stiff and uncomfortable. She can work on that, though, whereas Coryn's sadness is apparently intractable, so she's cut. The other girls come to hug Coryn; even Fugly Lisa. Aw. Coryn is actually relieved to be cut. It seems like she's going to give up on the whole modeling thing. "My life is going to change," she says on her way out. Well, if the rumors I've heard are true, the first thing to change will be her genitals.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls have to contend with an Army-style obstacle course, which Nicole isn't too wild about. Kim is actually required to look like a woman.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jayla was a horrible example for Jehovah's Witnesses. She neglects to mention that she's a horrible example for the rest of humanity as well, but we'll get to that later. Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves, but Coryn was the only one with balls enough (probably literally) to confront her. And the token plus-sized model took her customary dive with the deserved, yet saddening elimination of Diane. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Bel Air. Nike's sad that her friend Diane was cut, so she feels like she shouldn't have any strong relationships in the house. She vows to be the quiet girl from now on. From now on? Have we heard her utter more than six words at a stretch? Meanwhile, Jayla interviews that she will do whatever it takes to win, "clawing her way to the top" if she has to. Oh, well then I'm sure completely unreasonable personal vendettas won't get in the way of that competitive spirit. Some of the girls lounge in the hot tub, and Fugly Lisa has the idea to put some bubbles into it. We get to relive the whole Fugly Lisa/Coryn smackdown of last week, which I'm not going to revisit forty times like the show does. Kim interviews that Fugly Lisa always needs to be the center of attention. Yep, I'd say so. Fugly Lisa rambles nonsensically about how much she loves bubbles. What's funny is that Kyle gives her a look like she's completely insane, but Kyle herself has a big ol' bubble foam hat on her head at the time, so she looks like kind of a loon herself. Heh. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa goes through entire bottles of wine in about 45 minutes. Yowsa. More shots of nude girls covered in bubbles. My loins fail to stir. Jayla's also sick of Fugly Lisa, hoping that she'll be cannon fodder for this week's elimination.
Morning. OJ invades the model pad, and collects all the girls in the kitchen. There's a bunch of food set up, and Kim interviews that she thought there may be a cooking challenge. Is Kim unaware that this is a modeling competition? This is almost as dumb as when they thought their challenge would involve doing math. OJ says they'll have a special guest, whom he introduces by calling out for "Miss Thing" in such a way that makes me want to punch him with a set of brass knuckles. He tends to have that effect a lot. The special guest is Iman, whose name I know, but whose career I know very little about. She'll turn out to be so boring that I completely forgot to include her in the little blurblet about this episode. She is pretty, though. She explains that you need good skin to be a model, and that you can make homemade skin products out of common household foods, which is what they're there to do. OJ hands out recipe cards, and they get started. Kim and Jayla's products make it look like someone has thrown up on their faces. Nike looks like Violet Beauregarde. There's some more blather, and Bre gets caught eating some of her ingredients. She's so cute. The point of this entire scene is to introduce the later challenge, in which the girls will be spokesmodels for a honey-banana firming mask. Why they couldn't have just said so instead of this five minutes of filler is beyond me. OJ says that the girls will have to get several product points across during a mock interview. He passes the information out. So that's it for Iman. What a stunning cameo.
The Monster Humvee takes the girls to the challenge. They meet a man who introduces himself as comedian Chris Spencer. He's about as funny as melanoma. He tells them that they'll have a three-minute interview with him. Fugly Lisa interviews that there are 10 product points that they have to memorize, and she brags that she has them down cold. Jayla's up first. I think she does a fine job, but Chris interviews that she bored him to death. I wish. Coryn is legitimately boring, but it doesn't help that Chris is using her interview to tell more "jokes". Is it part of the challenge that he tries to distract them from the product points to see how they react? If so, fine. If not...what a fucking asshole. He also interrupts Bre, and Nike seriously cannot get a word in edgewise, which is bullshit. Kim has written the product points on her hand, but doesn't consider that cheating. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kim. Nicole actually leapfrogs onto my good side by saying that the firming mask is made from bananas from Caracas. Chris asks her where Caracas is in an attempt to trap her. Nicole responds with "I don't exactly know, but I heard they've got really good bananas." Hahahahahaha. Nicole hasn't been objectionable since episode 1, so I think I'll take her off THE LIST. Kyle, who's always so quiet and unassuming in the house, turns out to be quite a ham, and she does a fantastic job outlining the product points, and doesn't allow Chris to lead her off topic. I love Kyle. Fugly Lisa, who you'll remember said she had the product points down cold, completely blows her interview. She sounds very confident, but basically gets all of her facts wrong, and wastes about half her interview doing a little dance. Yeah, I don't know.
Chris proves he's not a complete waste of oxygen by deservedly judging Kyle the winner. She gets to choose one other girl to share in the reward. She mixes it up by choosing Nicole. See? Kyle is a patient listener, doesn't openly badmouth people even when they deserve it, Lisa, and tries to spread her good fortune around. She's my official favorite. Sorry, Bre. The reward is that they get to do some host segments for a VH1 show about supermodels. They're excited. Jayla nastily says that Kyle winning two challenges in a row isn't fair. It'd be different if she were kidding, but it seems fairly clear that she's not. Fugly Lisa, already upset because she didn't win the challenge (er...was she expecting to?), takes an offhand remark from Coryn about her dancing as an open insult, and the fight is on again. Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she needs to stop hating on people. Coryn has no problem with anyone but Lisa, but I'm sure it brings Fugly Lisa comfort to imagine that other souls are suffering the burden of Coryn's hate along with her. It's more of the same fighting, except that Fugly Lisa says that Coryn's the only one who dislikes her, and Coryn correctly replies that she's the only one who's openly stated as much. Yeah, I think we've seen enough interviews featuring Kim's open contempt of Fugly Lisa to know that Coryn's not exactly alone in her feelings. Oh, and Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she's "presenting herself like a moron" (whatever that means) and Coryn responds that Lisa's an alcoholic bitch. The other girls sit around in uncomfortable silence.
Commercials. Shut up, Kirsten Dunst.
And...we're back. And we get to see the "alcoholic bitch" comment again, but it doesn't lead into more fighting or anything. The next shot is just the girls getting back into the Monster Humvee. Fugly Lisa finally catches the snap, and figures out that maybe these girls aren't her best friends ever. Ya think, Lisa? Nike interviews that she doesn't like it when people fight or when there's drama, so she tends to withdraw when that happens. I do the same thing. You just try to make yourself completely invisible so that people don't try to enlist you in either side.
Back at the pad, Jayla and Nicole are out by the pool, and Jayla is trashing Fugly Lisa. She's absolutely correct on substance, but the way she's saying it makes her sound like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitch. Not only that, but she's complaining that Fugly Lisa doesn't get that everyone hates her; not just Coryn. Well, nobody but Coryn's ever confronted her and Fugly Lisa's kind of delusional, so why wouldn't she think that? I mean, I could understand this confusion on Jayla's part if Fugly Lisa had been fighting with everyone, but she hasn't. Nicole tries to stay out of it, only remarking that Fugly Lisa thinks she knows it all, but not attacking her personally or anything. Jayla snots that the pad is like high school. Yeah, it's not like Jayla herself would ever perpetuate a bunch of immature bullshit.
The next day, it's time for Kyle and Nicole's reward, which is being shot in the model pad. The director shows up and introduces himself. They get started. Fugly Lisa interviews that if she would have won the challenge, she would have done better at the hosting segments. This is the delusional Fugly Lisa we're all familiar with, because she doesn't even consider that the reason she's not hosting the VH1 show is that she did such a crappy job at the challenge that called for her to speak well. She whines that if she had won, she would "talk very sophisticated" (like...nice start), and that she'd give her opinions (and I'm sure the director would have been thrilled with her deviating from the script). It's like she's stuck on a Mobius strip of stupidity. Not only that, but she's bitching about it so loudly that the director has to come in and tell her to keep it down so they can shoot the damn thing. He asks her to be quiet for thirty seconds. She manages about three. She rolls her eyes and talks about how disgusted she is. Yeah, she's the picture of professional behavior.
Which is our segue into the Fugly Lisa is A Big Ol' Booze Hag segment! Won't that be fun? Kyle thinks Fugly Lisa's drinking may be a big problem for her. Nicole thinks so too, calling her behavior "bizarre". We follow this with a shot of Fugly Lisa belching loudly. Nice. She bumbles around, knocking over glasses. The other girls laugh at her. She sulkily retires to a beach chair, interviewing about how betrayed she feels, and then starts talking out loud to a nearby plant that she has named "cousin 'it'" (and learn to spell, show - it's Cousin Itt), saying that she and the plant are like the same. Hmm. You remember in Cycle One how the show tried to make us believe that Elyse had an eating disorder and how I didn't buy it, because it was just a bunch of hearsay from the other girls? This I buy. It's not just the other girls branding Fugly Lisa an alcoholic because they dislike her. She's clearly smashed in a lot of scenes, and that probably goes to the heart of why she's so unlikeable. Drunk people are funny for a little while, as a source of amusement, but they are no fun to hang out with for extended periods of time. The other girls continue talking about her drinking as she passes out on the porch chair. Bre goes out to check on her and bring her in. What's weird is that it looks like Coryn goes with her. Huh? As Fugly Lisa cries to her boyfriend on the phone, Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa appears to be a confident person, but that the constant arguing and criticism is eating away at her, as it is for all of them. She wants to help her, but doesn't know how. I think Bre is exactly right, and it's sweet that she's showing such concern for a girl she probably doesn't like very much.
Commercials. We already get a commercial for Everybody Hates Chris in every single ad break. Is it really necessary to have more than one in a two minute span? You want me to watch the show. I GET IT.
Morning. Tyra shows up at the model pad. Kyle's embarrassed to still be in rollers. Heh. Tyra gathers the girls and asks them about their vices. Bre says she relies on sleep a lot. I hear that. Tyra asks about smokers in the group, and says that 98% of models smoke or have smoked. Short PSA about how smoking is bad. Tyra says her own vice is fatty foods. I'm sure we all believe that. Of course, the entire reason Tyra showed up like this is to provoke Fugly Lisa into admitting she drinks. She does admit it, but downplays it, saying that a glass of wine calms her down, which is a bit different from stumbling around talking to plants. She says she doesn't drink to get drunk, and Kyle interviews that she was kind of mad that she lied right to Tyra's face. I understand that and all, but it's not like Tyra doesn't see everything that goes on in the house. I think she's pretty wise to Fugly Lisa's game. Tyra leaves.
Tyra Mail. It tells them to be ready at 8 AM. Morning. The girls meet OJ at a soundstage, and he tells them (in another horrible overdub) that they'll be doing an ad for Secret deodorant today, which includes a commercial shoot, a photo shoot, and another mock interview. OJ introduces Bill (the commercial director) and Jason (the photo shoot director). He tells them to think of a little secret to reveal as part of the commercial. The girls go into hair and makeup. Nike practices a little out loud, saying that her secret is that she's scared of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. Jayla overhears her. No problems so far. Meanwhile, Fugly Lisa is shooting her commercial. She actually does a really nice job. Her photo's good too, but she's too...well, she's too Lisa in her interview. You just want her to shut up so bad. Nicole and Bre are fine at the commercial. Kyle overacts a little too much, which I still find surprising. There's some footage of the photo shoot, and a bit of the girls' interviews. Nicole's secret is that she eats ice cream in bed, which Ryan the interviewer dismisses as G-rated. Yeah, it is kind of lame.
Coryn sucks at the commercial and interview. She just falls apart when called upon to be personable. Meanwhile, back in the dressing room, Nike and Jayla have discovered that they have the same secret. They're minutely different in that Jayla's is that she's afraid of the dark, and Nike's is that she's afraid of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. There's still no problem here. If I were Nike, I'd just think of another stupid little secret, and even if she can't, OJ tells her that it's not a big deal that they have the same one. Jayla's up, and she tries her line that she's scared of the dark, but they want more takes, so she replaces it with Nike's line about the nightlight. Nike hears this and is upset. So yeah, on the one hand, Jayla did kind of steal it, which is bitchy, but it's not that big a deal. 1) Nike had plenty of time to pick an entirely different secret. 2) OJ already said that it's not a big deal if they have the same secret. 3) Jayla used the nightlight line, but not that she's scared of the dark, so why doesn't Nike just use that? Instead, the combined stress of having her line stolen and being kind of nervous causes Nike to just unravel. She's pretty bad at the commercial, photo shoot, and interview. She says that she's been sucking all day. Again, it's understandable that she be mad about the line stealing, but she's blowing it out of proportion.
OK. Having said that, let's go into the portion of the evening wherein Jayla completely pisses away any chance that I'd defend her. Nike interviews that she did not say anything to Jayla about the line stealing, because she just figures that karma will take care of it. So she didn't yell at Jayla, didn't fight with her, didn't even say anything about the whole ordeal. That evening, Jayla is sitting out on the porch gossiping with Fugly Lisa. You know, the Fugly Lisa she can't stand and was gossiping about with Nicole earlier. Yeah, Jayla's stripes are starting to show. Not that she's into that high school drama or anything. She tells Fugly Lisa that she's sick of Nike giving her the cold shoulder. Fugly Lisa, delighted at not being the target for a change, pretends that she's sworn to secrecy or whatever, but clearly could not be happier in informing Jayla that Nike's not thrilled with the line stealing. Cut to the beginning of Jayla's confessional where she fumes that she's tired of stupid people. So am I, Jayla. Back on the porch, she flippantly remarks at how she's not going to be friends with certain people after the competition is over. I'm sure Nike burst into tears upon learning that. Back in the confessional, Jayla tries to become all threatening, talking about how something big's going to go down between her and Nike. Because Nike's such a confrontational type? Could someone please tell me how Nike (who responded to Jayla's theft simply by not being her BFF) should be on the business end of an ass-kicking? Jayla's acting like Nike was all up in her face with a broken bottle or something. Plus, Jayla? You're about as intimidating as a Keebler Elf, but nice try.
Commercials. So this lady wants her teeth to be whiter so her lipstick can appear to be an even more whorish shade of red. Got it.
Elimination looms. Coryn's nervous. Nike's nervous. Now instead of aiming for threatening and missing, Jayla is aiming for sarcastically funny. And missing. Seriously, she's seething with hate over Nike not baking her a friendship cake or something. At this point, Fugly Lisa could take lessons in How To Be Completely and Undeservedly Impressed With Yourself from Jayla. It's really disturbing. We enter the Chamber of Doom, and Fugly Lisa is wearing the weirdest outfit ever. Did she steal that flapper headband from the set of Xanadu? The guest judge tonight is Bill, the commercial director. Let's get to the evaluations.
Nicole. The judges like her commercial more than I do, but take her to task for too many "uh", "um" and "like" in the interview. Her photo's great. Tyra says that whoever has the strongest picture will have that picture run in People as an actual ad for Secret. Jayla. They say she's a bit too model-like in the commercial, but knocks the picture and interview out of the park. Coryn. Bill and Nigel call her on her sense of sadness, which seems to permeate everything she does. Can't argue with that. Her picture's nice, though. Kyle. The judges remark on her overacting in the commercial, but love her interview. I like her picture, but they don't think it's strong enough. Bre. Again, the judges don't think the picture is as good as I do, but love her interview and commercial. Kim. She's too slouchy in the commercial, which Nigel actually defends. Feh. Her interview is great, and she's taken what I consider to be her first good picture. Fugly Lisa. Nigel reads my mind and asks her what she was thinking when she got dressed. She says she feels playful (read: drunk). The judges love everything about the ad, and I do have to say she did a really good job. Nike. Her discomfort shows. She did OK at the photo shoot, and had a good interview, but her commercial sucks. She brings up that she felt hurt and betrayed, but doesn't go into detail. I don't want to defend Jayla, but pick one, Nike. Either get it all out or keep quiet. This "one of the other girls was a bitch to me and that's why I did poorly, but I'm not going to say which or how" bit is not going to fly.
Commercials. If you went by TV, you'd think that everyone who works in an office is a complete nutbar. Actually, that's not so far from the truth.
Deliberations. The usual bullshit. The only thing of note is that Nigel says that Fugly Lisa always leaves you wanting more (that's a good thing in this case). He follows this up with: "However, I also can't stand Lisa." Hahahaha. Oh, Nigel. Come over and we'll slag Fugly Lisa together. Then we'll do other things.
Elimination. Fugly Lisa is safe. Jayla. Kim. The next girl is the one with the best photo and shall have her face grace the pages of People. Nicole. She deserves it. And wow, what with this and the VH1 show, she's getting all sorts of exposure. Kyle is safe. Tyra makes fun of her overacting. Heh. Bre is safe. Will Nike and Coryn please step forward? Coryn is too sad. Nike was too stiff and uncomfortable. She can work on that, though, whereas Coryn's sadness is apparently intractable, so she's cut. The other girls come to hug Coryn; even Fugly Lisa. Aw. Coryn is actually relieved to be cut. It seems like she's going to give up on the whole modeling thing. "My life is going to change," she says on her way out. Well, if the rumors I've heard are true, the first thing to change will be her genitals.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls have to contend with an Army-style obstacle course, which Nicole isn't too wild about. Kim is actually required to look like a woman.
Overall Grade: B
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