The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 7
Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams left the pleasant land of Sicily for the pleasant land of...other parts of Sicily. Phil tries to make last week's episode sound exciting through the use of words like "panic" and "surged", but what really happened is that everything was boring, and Dave and Lori fell a tiny bit behind and couldn't catch up. *sniff* Six teams remain. Really? Only six? This season's flying by. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Ray and Yolanda look so mean and sour, which they're not in the slightest. Also, Lisa and Joni look cute and charming. I'll let you extrapolate that out to the natural conclusion.
Siracusa, Sicily, Italy. Phil says it was once the most powerful Greek city in the Mediterranean Sea. That's a lot of qualifiers, Phil. If we're going to dress things up to make them look more impressive, let's just say I'm the most powerful gay Irish-Jewish scientist in St. Louis. There's more of the usual opening Phil blather that I'm liking less and less these days. The Tools leave the mat first at 10:33 PM. Their clue tells them to take a train to Rome, Italy. Rome appears to be such a beautiful, culturally rich city. I'll bet the teams do all sorts of fascinating things there. A man on a red and yellow scooter in front of the Trevi fountain will give them their next clue. It looks like tickets have been provided for everyone, and the train doesn't leave until 8 AM. The Hippies leave the mat at 10:38 PM. They talk about their positive attitudes and senses of humor, like they do every week. The positive attitudes I like a lot. Their senses of humor...could use some work. MoJo leaves the mat at 11:40 PM. Monica interviews about how emotionally draining the race is. Yeah, I don't often pause to consider that. I like to make fun of teams that are going through meltdowns over the tiniest little thing, but I can't say that I wouldn't burst into tears if I were caught in a traffic jam in Jodhpur, India or whatever.
Frankenberry leaves the mat at 11:53 PM. The Tools have arrived at the train station and learn that their 8 AM train is the earliest one to Rome. Yeah, I suspected that an alternative wouldn't be available, given that the teams were provided with tickets. The Hippies arrive, and learn that all the teams will likely catch up with them. Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 12:17 AM. Three steps off the mat, they get into a ridiculous fight about directions. Something about how Michelle didn't hand over a piece of paper to Lake, or something. She snots that she won't take the blame for his mistake, and Lake calls her a bitch and tells her to shut up. As Blood Ray pointed out to me, it wasn't as if he said "you're being a bitch" or "you're being bitchy". It was full-on "You never handed it to me, bitch, now SHUT UP." Classy. The stupidest thing about this fight is that it's completely pointless. This isn't the same as Monica saying she gets emotionally wound up due to racing. They've got time to kill, here. Lake and Michelle already have tickets for the train. So they've lost their directions. So what? They can't find the train station in 8 hours?
More people arrive at the train station. Ray and Yolanda are last to leave the mat at 1:02 AM, which makes Lake and Michelle's fight even stupider. Ray interviews that being at the bottom kind of sucks, and that their strategy for now has to be concentrating on passing at least one team. That sounds kind of obvious, but he's right. Teams in last often try to pull some miracle to jump into the lead, and he recognizes that they don't have to exhaust themselves trying for first place right now. Lake and Michelle arrive at the train station. The Tools say that they think Lake is bipolar. If that's the case, I wish the Tools were bipolar, too. Maybe then their personalities would swing into a territory that doesn't completely suck. Ray and Yolanda arrive, and joke that they haven't seen the Tools in so long. Seriously. But now everyone's caught up, which means that maybe the teams can shuffle into another order for once! Yay!
Rome. Everyone hops off the train. Some teams head for taxis, while others choose the Metro. I'd say from my experience watching the show that taxis are the faster choice about 90% of the time. Lake has passed the time on the train by shaving off his beard. He looks kind of naked without it. The Tools and MoJo, who were the only two teams to get cabs, are first to the fountain. See? Scooter Guy gives the Tools their clue, which tells them to find the horse carriages by the Spanish Steps, less than a mile away. There are portfolios in the carriages that have their next clue. Scooter Guy also gives them half of a puzzle so stupidly easy, you'd think it was out of Highlights magazine or something. The puzzle is part of Da Vinci's Vetruvian Man. The portfolios in the carriage have the second part. When you put the two together, it forms the message that the first team to the mat will win a prize, which only happens...um...every week. The whole point of throwing this in there is to plug the upcoming Da Vinci Code craptacular. My feelings on the movie are already a matter of public record, so I'll just leave it at that.
Monica talks about how she's wanted to come to Rome her entire life. Prepare to be disappointed with the amount of time you spend here, Monica. They get their scooter clue. All the other teams (except for Ray and Yolanda, who have lagged behind yet again) exit the Metro and a bunch of people start yelling "Fontana di Trevi????" over and over and over and over again. Thank God they finally get the heads up and find it. I couldn't have taken much more of that. Everyone gets their scooter clue. Ray and Yolanda get it afterwards, though I don't know how much time has passed. The Tools have found the carriages, and open their next clue. It tells them to fly to Athens, Greece. So that was Rome. Not that I wouldn't be overjoyed to be sent to Athens; it just stinks that Rome got shoehorned in like this so they could insert some dumbass product placement. Once in Athens, teams have to find the Ancient Agora, which are the ruins of a Grecian marketplace. The next clue will be on the grounds. The Tools also pick up the second piece of their "puzzle" and take about five seconds to solve it. That, more that anything else, should give you an idea of the puzzle's difficulty; I'll bet the Tools could spend an entire afternoon searching for Waldo.
The Tools head for the airport. MoJo gets the clue, and heads for the airport. Hippies. Lake and Michelle. Frankenberry. Ray and Yolanda. At the airport, the Tools learn of a flight that leaves at 7:25 PM. Everyone winds up on this flight, so nobody's actions in Rome had the slightest effect. Poor Rome, to be treated so cavalierly. It reminds me of my "trip" to New York City, which in fact consisted of me arriving in town, visiting the Museum of Radio and Broadcasting, getting an egg cream, and leaving. Everyone boards, and we're off to Greece. Once there, everyone hops in cabs. Monica is excited to be in Greece, which is where she says "thinking began". Hehehe. Well, it certainly didn't begin in this cab. I know what she's getting at, but that was still a very mockworthy comment. Frankenberry is excited to take the lead, not really pausing to consider that the grounds of the agora aren't likely to be open in the middle of the night. They're first to the gate, and discover that it opens at 8 AM. Suddenly, it's the next day. Everyone's lined up at the gate, and it is pouring down rain. Ick. MoJo is first to the clue box. The first of only two Fast Forwards for the entire race are in this clue.
Brief sidebar for race n00bs. The Fast Forward is a task. The first team to complete it gets to skip the rest of the leg, and go directly to the pit stop. There used to be a Fast Forward on every leg of the race, which I liked. Teams had to seriously consider when it was the best time for them to use it, because once you've gotten a Fast Forward, you can't use another one, ever. It was a cool way of giving a lagging team another shot, or an exhausted team time to rest. For some reason, the producers have reduced the number of Fast Forwards to two, which is dumb. I've gone into this before, but with only two on the entire race, there is literally no reason for the team in the lead not to take it. If they don't, they can't count on being first to the other one, so they've wasted their opportunity. In short, all it accomplishes now is giving a solid team even more of an advantage, which is boring. In this Fast Forward, teams travel on foot less than a mile to a restaurant. Once there, they "ward off mischievous spirits" by breaking plates. Only one of the hundreds of plates has the little yellow and red flag baked into it. The team that finds it wins the Fast Forward.
MoJo runs for the restaurant. Ray and Yolanda decide to ignore the Fast Forward and just look at the regular clue. It tells them to travel by train from the Anargini station to the Isthmos station in Corinth, seventy miles away. The next clue will be waiting for them when they get off the train. The Tools head for the Fast Forward. Lake and Michelle and the Hippies decide to forget the Fast Forward, and head for the railway station. Frankenberry, in last place, wants to try for the Fast Forward. I can understand why they'd want to do it, but they're not in a place where they're likely to succeed. Plus, we've all seen the kind of dumb luck that follows the Tools around. Greek musicians and dancers await the plate-breaking teams, who pretty much ignore them and get to smashing. So of course the Tools find the flag, which my cynical side knew would happen all along. Feh. An upset MoJo leaves to go to the railway station. The Tools can now drive themselves straight to the pitstop, the Fortress of Rion. They smash some more plates for fun, then leave. Frankenberry arrives at the restaurant and finds a sign that lets them in on the fact that the Fast Forward is now Tooling its way out of town. Everyone who originally ignored the Fast Forward hops on the train, while MoJo has trouble flagging down a cab to get them to the station.
Commercials. "Did you know depression hurts both emotionally and physically?" Why, no I didn't! I thought depression was a wild party at which everyone has the time of their lives! I particularly look forward to the Depression Luau!
Monica starts pissing and moaning that they're going to be eliminated because they can't find a cab. I know they don't know that Frankenberry is behind them, but season after season, people do this "poor us, we're out of it" song and dance. Even when it's true, it's really obnoxious. Joseph basically says this to her when they finally get on a bus. He says they'll keep on going, and if they're last, so be it, but the negative attitude just brings them down. Well said. In the Frankenberry cab, Barry is whining that because he and Fran are older, they can't run to clue boxes and such as fast as everyone else, so they're always falling behind. I'd have a lot more sympathy for him if the reason they consistently fell behind was due to running slowly, rather than making careless mistakes. Or if their entire introduction wasn't them basically gloating about how good they are at competing against younger people. As it is? Shut up, Grandpa. The two lagging teams wind up on the same train.
On the lead train, the Hippies are admiring the beautiful scenery, while Lake carps about it not being as pretty as Italy. Everyone gets off the train at the Corinth station. Whoops! The clue directed them to get off at the Isthmos station in the town of Corinth. Understandable mistake. Everyone buys bus tickets to the correct railway station. Meanwhile, Frankenberry helpfully lets us in on the fact that their train is forty minutes behind the lead one. The lead teams hop off the bus and run across to the clue box at the Isthmos station. Roadblock! "Who wants to hear the sound of their own screaming?" So, I'm guessing the Roadblock doesn't involve having a tea party in an English garden. Nope. It's a 240-foot bungee jump into the Corinth Canal. Aiiiieeee!!!! No, thanks. Ray, Tyler, and Michelle all accept the task with no apparent reservations. Frankenberry and MoJo arrive at the correct train station. Monica takes the Roadblock, and jumps in excitement and happiness when she learns what the task is. Fran takes it, and jumps in fear and revulsion. Um, Fran? "Who wants to hear the sound of their own screaming?" What the fuck did you think it was going to be? Recording a song with Bjork? What's weird is that they've caught up to the other teams. I guess the train/bus mistake cost them their forty-minute lead.
Ray swan dives off the platform. Oh, sweet juniper, that looks terrifying. He's hauled back up and gets the next clue. Detour! Herculean Effort or It's All Greek To Me. In Herculean Effort, teams travel to a 2300-year-old stadium. Kind puts that whole "St. Louis needs a new baseball stadium because that other one's so old" argument to shame, doesn't it? But I kid. The new stadium is really pretty. Aaaaaanyway, once at the stadium, teams have to complete three events: discus toss, javelin throw, and wrestling. Greek men in togas demonstrate. My, it's a little warm in here. In It's All Greek To Me, teams travel to a different area of the same stadium and collect nine pieces of pottery fragments with Greek letters engraved on them. Once collected, they ask nearby spectators to help translate the letters into English, then unscramble them to form the name of a city on a provided map. Tough choice. Ray and Yolanda choose Herculean Effort, and in a refreshing change of pace, figure out how to get to the stadium without wandering around for half an hour pleading for directions. Tyler jumps. The Hippies choose Herculean Effort. Michelle jumps. Herculean Effort. Monica jumps. She comforts and encourages Fran on the way out. Aw. MoJo goes for Herculean Effort. Fran is still terrified. I certainly can't blame her for that.
Commercials. Car commercial with the following fine print: "Fictionalization. Vehicle not suitable for underwater use." People actually get paid to make these ads.
Fran jumps. Her eyes are tightly clenched shut the whole time. I can't decide if that'd make the situation better or worse. After she's hauled back up, she tells Barry it's the most frightened she's ever been, and let's not forget she had cancer. They get their clue, and choose It's All Greek To Me. Michelle is just now opening her map, and is not pleased to discover that the map of Greece that she bought in Greece is in...Greek. Three guesses how they respond to this. If you answered "they get into a stupid, sniping bitchfest", you win a free pass to the Depression Luau. We can take the underwater car to get there. In order to get Lake to back off, Michelle whines that she just did something that was very hard for her, which is patent bullshit. She jumped off that bungee platform with nary a whimper. They stop in a gas station two seconds later and get clear instructions, so that's the second baseless argument about directions we've seen from them tonight. Can they get the hat trick?
The Tools arrive at the pit stop, turn in their lame puzzle, and win an invitation to the premiere of The Da Crappy Code. And that's all we see of them tonight. Awesome! Ray and Yolanda arrive at the stadium, and follow the arrow that leads to Herculean Effort. Yolanda throws the discus, and gets it to go a far enough distance after a few tries. A Greek man demonstrates the javelin for Ray. Meanwhile, the Hippies have discovered that they're lost. Now that they don't have an insurmountable lead, they don't have the time to be so goofy, which is a very good thing. Lake and Michelle are fighting. I'll take that hat now. MoJo arrives at the stadium and sees Ray flailing at the javelin. Monica completes the discus, so now Ray and Joseph take turns at the javelin. Frankenberry arrives at the stadium. Cute Greek guys wander around. Frankenberry collects their pottery fragments, which seems to take them about twenty seconds. Lake and Michelle arrive, and for about the billionth time, they wander the wrong way, even though there's a giant sign pointing out each Detour option. They decide to just do It's All Greek To Me, since they're there. They begin collecting pottery fragments. The Hippies are still lost. They stop at a gas station and discover that they've driven an hour out of the way, which means another hour to get back. Eep. They do a reprise of the "poor us, we're out of it" chorus.
Commercials. That lady in the Ensure commercial should pick up some work as Jeanne Tripplehorn's stand-in or stunt double. Seriously.
The Hippies are depressed. I'm sorry for their problems, but it's a welcome release from doofy accents and dancing through the streets. Back at the javelin, Joseph manages to land one before Ray does. The Greek spectators help Frankenberry translate their letters into English. Lake and Michelle also get started, but of course not before Lake lobbies another "shut up!" in her direction. I've lost count of those. BJ wears a dumb hat. Moving on. MoJo gets to double-team the guy in the wrestling ring, which seems kind of skewed, but whatever. Joseph manages to force him out of the ring without too much difficulty. They get the clue that sends them 107 miles to the pit stop, which Phil informs us is still the Fortress of Rion, just in case they were tempted to move it after the Tools settled in, which I wouldn't blame them for. MoJo is confused by their map, and Monica suggests stopping for directions. Ray finally lands the javelin. Whew. He and Yolanda take out the wrestler easily. As they leave, Yolanda says "We got beat by MoJo. Which is a big NoNo." Hahahahaha!!! They have better luck with their directions.
More translating over at It's All Greek To Me. Another "shut up" from Lake. It's so old by now, I can't even work myself up over it anymore. Frankenberry finds the correct town on the map, Dimitsana. They get their pit stop clue. Lake and Michelle aren't far behind. The fortress itself isn't on their map, so they are completely stymied. Meanwhile, Barry continues enforcing every stereotype about old people that he can by backing directly into a tree. Fran tells him the whole back window's been smashed out, and he says "I didn't see it" in the most infuriating tone of voice ever, like he couldn't possibly be blamed for such an occurrence. I can't do it justice in print, but it made me want to punch him. They pull over for directions. The Hippies finally arrive at the Detour. BJ makes the discus throw in a couple of tries. Lake and Michelle get hopelessly lost. Now that having a discussion about directions would actually matter, Lake and Michelle decide to stop and take a calming series of deep breaths instead. Tyler finishes the javelin. The wrestler hands both of the Hippies their asses while an old Greek man laughs at them from the sidelines. Hehehe. They finally pull the wrestler out of the ring, and leave for the pit stop.
Ray and Yolanda arrive at the pit stop. Woo! Phil tells them that they are the second team to arrive. Wuh, oh. It's not good when Phil says that instead of "you're team #2". Yes, they've received a fifteen minute penalty for not taking the train all the way to Isthmos station as the clue stated they were to do. Fair enough. Fifteen minutes isn't too bad, plus they know that two other teams will receive the same penalty. They're not thrilled, of course, but seem to be pretty calm about it. Unfortunately for them, this fifteen minutes is enough time for MoJo to arrive at the mat, and check in as team #2. Monica is shocked. Ray and Yolanda's penalty runs out, and they check in as team #3. They did well today, all things considered. Lake and Michelle are still lost, and become the third team of the evening to sing the "poor us, we're out of it" number. The Hippies are also convinced that they're last. Not last is Frankenberry, who checks in as team #4. Instead of the usual "Who Will It Be?" edit, they just straight-out show us the Hippies arriving next. Wow, Lake and Michelle must have gotten extremely lost. They've probably wandered into Turkey by this point. Phil tells the Hippies that they're the fifth team to arrive, then hits them with the fifteen-minute penalty. Now, the editors get all shifty with us, trying to drive us into a frenzy of suspense over whether Lake and Michelle will arrive within that fifteen minutes or not. It completely snowed me on the first viewing, but now I realize that even if they had arrived two seconds after the Hippies, they'd still be hit with the same penalty, so there's no way that they could overtake them at this point. It turns out not to matter, as the Hippies' penalty runs out before Lake and Michelle arrive. They're checked in as team #5, and each gives Phil a big smooch on the cheek.
That puts Lake and Michelle into last place. I fully expect a non-elimination point. People who have been living under rocks expect a non-elimination point. Aliens from Jupiter who just happened upon our planet this evening expect a non-elimination point. But no! They're eliminated! Wow! They hug and praise each other as if they haven't just spent the entire leg treating each other like garbage. Isn't that sweet? I mean, for the people with no short-term memory, that is. Michelle interviews that people don't understand them, but that their relationship works for them. It works for the rest of us, too, in that it keeps both of you freaks out of the dating pool. Smell ya later, wackos.
Next week on The Amazing Race: "Ray and Yolanda turn against each other," which from the looks of it, appears to be no worse than a tiff with your best friend over who gets the last stick of gum. Teams travel to the Middle East, where BJ has trouble with the Roadblock. Trouble that apparently doesn't spring from being an American in the Middle East.
Overall Grade: B-
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Blind Confusion
Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 5
Previously on Top Chef: Andrea was reinstated into the competition, which made Stephen unhappy, because if there's one thing he likes to do, it's burn bridges. The chefs were asked to create a dish that would taste good when reheated in the microwave. Huh, looks like the show forgot about that whole section where their guest judge was a pompous ass. Interesting. Stephen was condescending to some upper crust women, which did not sit well. Nor did his tamale. I know I ragged on Gail last week, but her horrified look at Stephen's presentation really was priceless. Everyone loved Andrea's poop-inducing creation. Candice's quiche failed to impress. Lisa wasn't "on top of her game". Tally mark! At the judges' table, Stephen and Lisa got yelled at, but it was Candice who got herself ejected. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
San Francisco. IHOF. Miguel snoozes. Andrea does yoga. Lisa is disappointed in her performance in the previous challenges, and wants to bounce back. Andrea says that Stephen pretty much ignores her now. It looks like that since her elimination, he treats her like a ghost that's haunting the Kitchen. A ghost that found herself in the top three last week, while he was in the bottom three. Stephen interviews that the competition is "dwelling" down. Hahaha. Yes, Stephen is all about class and sophistication, but doesn't know the word "dwindling". Lee Anne continues to taunt me by wearing that goddamn tan newsboy cap. Everyone leaves the IHOF, and we get very significant shots of the car they take. Subtle. Cut me a check, and I'll consider mentioning what brand.
Quickfire. Everyone wanders into the Kitchen. KatieBot introduces this week's guest judge, who will hopefully not be a complete fuckwad. His name is Mike Yakura, and he owns a restaurant that fuses French and Asian styles of cooking. Sounds good. The Quickfire this week is pretty cool. Each chef will have five minutes to identify twenty mystery ingredients. Not only that, but the chefs will be blindfolded. Awesome. Everyone's nervous. On first viewing, I thought Lisa said she was going to "take" the challenge, but what she actually said is that she's going to "tank" it. Heh. Those are two very different statements. The only person who seems semi-confident is Andrea. Oh, and Stephen of course, because he's "always in the top three percentile of whatever [he does]". Well, he's certainly in the top three percent of people who misuse words in a desperate attempt to appear smart. I'll bet he's one of those goons who uses the word "whom" all the time, even if it's incorrect.
Lee Anne's up first. OK, these ingredients are not things like oregano or jalapeno. You know, things you can actually identify. These are tough. You could wave them in front of my face for half an hour, and I still wouldn't know what a lot of them are. A sampling: longan (a Chinese tropical fruit), tamarind (tropical tree fruit), hibiscus (flower extract), agave (sweetener), konnyaku (Japanese potato), etc. I've never even heard of some of these things. The only one we see Lee Anne get correct is the tamarind. She interviews that the chefs are not allowed to speak once they return from their challenge. Now, there's a bunch of intercut scenes with the rest of the chefs. We see the other ingredients. Nopal (cactus), kampyo (dried gourd), chili paste (one of the few things not needing an explanation), durian (Asian fruits), nato (fermented soybeans), umeboshi (a plum), ghee (clarified butter), etc. Andrea seems to do fairly well, even as she gags on the things she doesn't like. Hehehe. Other chefs are hit and miss. Stephen identifies the ghee and curry paste. Dave gets the nopal and tamarind. Harold and Lisa get the chili paste. Everyone talks about how humbling the challenge was. Dave says that if it had been a blindfolded junk food challenge, he'd have gotten them all. I'm equally confident in that arena, but then, I've seen the rest of this episode, so I'll shut my fat yap.
Everyone gathers for the results. Mike commends them, given the difficulty of the challenge. Tiffani and Miguel, who you'll remember have consistently been frontrunners in this competition, have each only gotten one right. Ouch. Four people got three right: Harold, Lee Anne, Stephen, and Lisa. So much for being in the top three "percentile", Stephen. The winner only got four right. But that's enough. And that winner is... Andrea. That makes sense. She does seem to be the most familiar with unusual things like Asian fruits and such. I guess that means Dave got two right. I also have to say that I am grinning with delight at the fact that Andrea, who a lot of people had completely written off, just kicked their asses, and is immune from elimination. Dave is pleased. Stephen has a smarmy interview. I'm just going to call them smarmerviews from now on.
KatieBot begins to explain this week's Elimination Challenge, which will test the chefs' ability to fuse two culinary cultures. MIKE. DO. YOU. WANT. TO. SHOW. EVERYBODY. THEIR. NEW. RESTAURANT? Mike exits for a moment, and returns with a street vendor cart. Yes, it's street food. Lee Anne's excited about it. Lisa isn't. Hey, where's the normal Harold interview in which he says how above this challenge he is because he's a restaurant chef? He must not be feeling well. KatieBot says that each of the fusion dishes will be a mix of Latin food and something else. Everyone has to draw knives to find what culture they'll be representing. Turns out there are two of each one, so that means people will have partners. Everyone draws a knife and pairs up. Dave and Tiffani. Harold and Lisa. Miguel and Andrea. Lee Anne and Stephen. Ooh, my favorite and my least favorite together. Twisted. Lee Anne's interview is very diplomatic. "I got partnered with Stephen. Personality-wise, I don't necessarily agree with Stephen on some of his opinions, and the way he chooses to voice them." That is by far the nicest way of calling someone an arrogant dickhead I've seen on reality TV. You go, Lee Anne. She and Stephen have to fuse Latin/Chinese. Ooh, she'll be good at that. Tiffani and Dave have Latin/Moroccan. Lisa and Harold have Latin/Japanese. Miguel and Andrea have Latin/Indian, so I'm guessing their food will put you to sleep fourteen seconds after you ingest it. Andrea already has ideas about what to do. The food will be given out free to the public, and the chefs will have the afternoon to shop for ingredients. Then, two hours in the morning before taking the food to the Mission district of San Francisco, which has a lot of Latin citizens.
Commercials. You know what really keeps a marriage alive? Crinkle-cut French fries.
Evening. Each team has been given $200 and 1 hour to shop at each location. They work on food ideas in their [---] cars. Still waiting for my check, here. Lee Anne and Stephen are discussing possible dishes, and not doing a bad job of communicating. True, you should expect two adults to be able to have a mature exchange of ideas, but let's not forget that one of these people is Stephen, so I guess we need to credit him when he's able to walk away from a conversation without a haughty snort. Everyone will be shopping in their specialty shops first, then will meet up together at the Latin food market. Stephen smarmerviews that he only has experience with four-star dining; not street food. He and Lee Anne don't seem to have any difficulty picking out their Chinese ingredients. In the Tiffani and Dave car, there's a pretty telling display of their personalities. Tiffani fires rapid questions at Dave (who begins to give his usual equivocal answers), then interrupts him before he can finish anything he's saying. I'm not necessarily insulting them. Bossy people and doormats can work together quite well. They pick up their Moroccan ingredients, including a jaunty little fez for Dave that cracks Tiffani up. I'm starting to warm back up to her again. We'll see how long it lasts. In Miguel and Andrea's car, they talk about various ideas, but it appears that Andrea's really the one taking point on this one. She suggests an Indian spice/lentil burrito. Miguel doesn't have a problem with acceding to all her requests. A similar dynamic is shaping up between Lisa and Harold, as they shop for their Japanese ingredients. Lisa defers to Harold's ideas, since he has more experience in this area. They seem to really like one another, which makes me ridiculously happy for some reason.
Later, at the Latin market, all eight chefs shop for more ingredients. Tiffani interviews that since everyone was all crammed in together, if you see something you want, you have to grab it immediately. She gets all fake intense about it, and it's actually really cute. What is this soft spot I have for all these people tonight? Well, except Stephen. Good to know I'm not entirely off form. Miguel's fluent Spanish comes in handy when ordering meat from the resident butcher. Stephen has a lot more trouble communicating with him. Well, sure. He can barely speak English, let alone Spanish. Miguel interrupts in Spanish, though I can't tell if it's to help convey what Stephen's saying or to just bait Stephen into getting aggravated. Lee Anne narrates all this for us with devious glee. Everyone checks out and goes home.
IHOF. Everyone's goofing around. Miguel has his Fat Bastard wig on. Most people are holding a bottle with some kind of giggle juice in it. They decide to actually throw together the challenge that Dave was talking about earlier: identifying junk food while blindfolded. Oh, sweet. Dave and Miguel will be the contenders. Tiffani and Lee Anne prepare the samples. Lee Anne introduces the challenge, doing a pretty funny imitation of KatieBot. It's no Timpression, but what is? Ready? GO! Miguel's up first. Whoppers. Ding! Pork & Beans. Ding! He's already doing better than the other challenge. Lucky Charms. Ding! KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce. Ding! I think that one's a bit fishy, since I think they sponsor the show, but whatever. Cold pizza. Bzzzt! How do you miss that? Come on! Dave's blindfolded. Chocolate donut. Bzzzt! Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing. Ding! Whoppers. Ding! Doritos. Ding! Time's up. Hey, where's Lisa? She doesn't seem to be present for this. Did she go to bed already? Lee Anne drags out announcing the winner for as long as she can. Hmm, who else do we know that does that, BRAVO? The winner of the Fatass Snackmaster Challenge is... Miguel. Lee Anne refers to him as Miguel "Don't Touch My Mayonnaise" Morales. Hahaha. He asks Dave to share the honors with him. That whole segment was totally hilarious.
Morning. Lee Anne and Lisa are cooking something. How cool would it be to live in a house of chefs? Well, living with them would probably suck, but at least mealtimes would be something to look forward to. Lisa is confident about the upcoming challenge, and doesn't want to let Harold down. Miguel's excited about getting out onto the street. Everyone heads to the Kitchen. It looks like they walk there from the IHOF. They've got two hours to get everything ready. Tiffani has pulled her hair into twin braid pigtails. Aw. We finally get to see what the teams will be offering. Lee Anne and Stephen will have char siu pork and pickled Asian slaw as the Chinese half of their dish, and avocado cream on a sope tart shell as the Latin half. Sounds good, though I'm generally not a fan of any slaw. They're also making a lychee verhito (a virgin mohito) to drink. Harold and Lisa are making seared tuna with daikon sprouts (Japanese) with a jicama and avocado salad (Latin). Hmm. Now, you'll find no greater champion for seared tuna or sushi than I. Still, undercooked fish? As street food? I don't know about that. Tiffani and Dave are serving curry pork with stone fruit chutney (Moroccan), and flour gorditas with pickled carrots and red onion (Latin). Basically, it's a new spin on a Cuban sandwich. Tiffani says she tries to be very mellow when she cooks, while Dave is a whirling mass of chaos. Andrea and Miguel are making masala chicken burrito with spiced lentils (Indian) in a flour tortilla with Spanish rice (Latin). Sounds tasty. Andrea says that Miguel is very competitive, while she is very non-competitive, so they're like yin and yang. It's not apparent whether she thinks that's a benefit or detriment.
With thirty minutes left, Tom checks in. He tells us that because Andrea has immunity, it's a little odd for Miguel to let her have all the control, since he'll be the one to go if they lose. He asks Harold if he planned for his tuna to be so rare, and comments on their jicama salad as well. Lee Anne slips him a piece of pork, then laughs at him when it's too hot to chew. Hehehe. Two moments whiz by, but seem pretty important on second viewing. Lisa asks Harold if he's packed the jicama, and he seems not to have heard her. Miguel thanks Andrea for working so hard, since she could have slacked due to her immunity. She warmly tells him that she wouldn't do that, because they're a team. Harold and Lisa finish early, and are fairly cocky about their chances. Everyone packs up as time runs out.
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Everyone wheels their carts into the Mission district. I don't think I saw this section of San Francisco when I visited. Harold is wearing Dave's rising sun headband. Good, for once it actually makes sense. Andrea describes the area as being full of Latin people and homeless people. Ah. Lee Anne's not happy with their cart placement. As Harold and Lisa set up, they discover that they've left the jicama behind. Normally, I'd understand, because there's always such a mad dash to get ready. But they were done early. You can bet if I finished a task early, I'd quadruple-check that I've got everything I need. Someone (Lisa) finally describes jicama. Thank you. I've never heard of it, and was wondering. She defines it as a apply-turnip-potatoey thing that's crunchy, and somewhat sweet. OK, then. She and Harold make "we're screwed" faces. Andrea and Miguel dish out their stuff. Andrea's found a bindi to wear. They've also made some tamarind punch. Man, I'm thirsty. I'll be right back. OK. My Diet Rite White Grape soda is no tamarind punch, but it'll do. Tiffani and Dave have a line waiting from the moment they open their stand. It must be the fez. Dave says that they actually had a Middle Eastern customer who said that they flavors reminded her of home. Dave works the crowd, while Tiffani assembles the sandwiches. Looks like they're really working well together. Lee Anne and Stephen are less so. Stephen's wearing a full-on suit. To "sell" street food. He has trouble relating to the people on the street. Please try to contain your shock. Lee Anne makes the best of the situation that she can. She interviews that people seemed to be frightened of him. "He is very white," she grins. I love her. Back at Harold and Lisa's cart, they remake their salad with all the ingredients they did bring along. They seem to have a bit of trouble convincing people to take it.
The judges do their walkthrough. Lee Anne and Stephen present the judges with their dish. Stephen interviews (yes INTERviews - he's refreshingly normal in this one) that their plan was to class up the idea of street food a bit. The judges really like it. Andrea and Miguel are less impressive. Their food has to be served on a plate with a fork and knife. That, added to the tamarind punch, makes their dish hard to eat on the street. One of the judges also comments that their rice is a touch bland. The judges don't really comment on Dave and Tiffani's sandwich, but Dave is happy that they've managed to seamlessly marry the two cultures' flavors. Harold and Lisa give the judges their revised salad. Tom says that something's missing, and realizes that they don't have the jicama. Harold and Lisa cop to forgetting it. Tom immediately asks who should be assigned blame for it. Harold tries to volunteer, but Lisa says it's really because of both of them. Gail says that the jicama would have really brought the salad together.
Sidebar. I really liked this episode. A lot. But this little section is a steaming pile of unfair bullshit. This is why Tom shouldn't be allowed to check in with the chefs during the process of their cooking if he's going to be judging it later. It's impossible for him to be impartial. Do you honestly believe that the judges would be like "You know what this salad could use? Jicama!" if they didn't know that it was planned for some stage? No way. The judges' job is to evaluate the final product. If they don't like Harold and Lisa's salad because the fish was too rare or because the avocado was sour or whatever, that's fine. But to punish them for a misstep that the judges shouldn't even be aware of is over the line. It'd be like if I dropped a plate of cookies I intend to serve my guests. As long as I only serve the ones that never hit the floor, the guests have no reason to know about the mishap. Plus, don't you love the fact that Tom's first response to learning that the jicama isn't there is figuring out who to point the finger at so he can shred them later? Ass.
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We come back to the Mission Cultural Center. It is painted all over in bright colors, and is perhaps the coolest building interior I've seen in a long time. This is where the judges' table will be set up this week. The judges rehash the challenge. They think picking a winner and loser will be more difficult this week. Mike liked the flavor of Miguel and Andrea's, but is unimpressed with their creativity, calling their dish an inside-out burrito. Dave and Tiffani had a good idea of portability with their sandwiches, plus there was a nice blend of cool and hot flavors. Mike thinks that Harold and Lisa's salad didn't really work as street food, because you need a bowl and utensil to eat it. Fair point. Lee Anne and Stephen fused the two cultures' flavors well. The chefs wait in another room. KatieBot enters and asks Dave, Tiffani, Stephen, and Lee Anne to join the judges. Everyone immediately knows if they're considered good or bad this week. They need to shake up this format. Miguel and Andrea are surprised. Tom tells the top two teams that these two dishes may be the strongest two of the entire competition so far. They're complimented along the same lines as the previous deliberations. Mike tells Lee Anne and Stephen that he's going to steal their drink to serve in his own restaurant. Heh. He also loved their pork. Check that, he actually "fucking loves it". I like to see an enthusiastic judge. The winners of the challenge are Dave and Tiffani. They shake hands, and are very happy for the win. They go back to the other room, and Dave calls in everyone else by name. Um, I think you can just say that the judges want to see all of them. Lisa congratulates Dave and Tiffani on their win. Tiffani wishes the loser teams luck.
We start out with the jicama bullshit. As predicted, Tom can't wait to get to the blaming. He says the last person he saw with the jicama was Lisa. She accepts responsibility for it. I have to keep track of the times that these chefs show remarkable class, which not only makes all the defensive, abrasive contestants on other reality shows look pretty deplorable, it does the same for the attacking judges here. It's actually a very refreshing change to see people in a competition act this way. Anyway, Lisa accepting jicama blame (especially when it shouldn't even be an issue) - one point. The judges bring up the fact that it wasn't really street food, and Harold plays it off by saying it was a way of showcasing something new. Mike thinks their salad was forgettable. Tom tries again to force the chefs into being jerks by asking them who should go home if their team loses. He's shot down immediately. Lisa says "me". She says that this is her third trip to the losers' table. One point. She adds that she's the only non-professional chef at this point. Harold jumps in to say that she is, indeed, a professional and not to sell herself short. One point. She points out that she's not classically trained like everyone else. Tom says that he'd love to eat at her house if he's ever in LA. She says she'd love to have him. I'll give that another point.
They turn to Andrea and Miguel. Harold and Lisa had to use a fork. Andrea and Miguel didn't, but chose to. That, added to the drink, made their dish overcomplicated. Mike says "It's a fucking burrito. You just put shit inside of it, and roll it up". Dude, I curse a lot too, but dial it down a notch. Interestingly, Miguel says that the open face was Andrea's idea, so that she could leave it up to the patrons. This scene is played as if Miguel just threw Andrea to the wolves, but he may have meant it as a compliment; that Andrea was trying to provide some options to the customer so that more people would be happy. Andrea does take it as an attack, but takes it magnanimously, interviewing about how important this is to Miguel, so she understands that he has to cast the blame onto her if he has any chance of survival. One point. Tom says that he doesn't understand Miguel's reasoning in putting all his faith in someone who has immunity and who's already been eliminated once. For fuck's sake, Tom, are you going to play the double-argument card again? No. You can eliminate Andrea, then refer to her as not having what it takes. You can reinstate Andrea, and treat her as any other normal contestant. But not both. It is completely unjust to say that Andrea's welcome back into the competition, but has to wear some sort of scarlet E on her chest for the rest of the show. Also, it seems painfully clear that Andrea didn't manipulate Miguel into trusting her so that she could intentionally sink her team and get him kicked off. The judges just look like complete idiots right now, which doesn't give me a lot of faith in their ability to competently pick winners and losers. Andrea says that if anything she did has endangered Miguel's ability to stay in the competition, she'd like to offer him her immunity. Fifty billion points. Miguel whips his head around, and has the good grace to look a little ashamed. The judges don't go for that, though, so they dismiss the chefs, saying that Harold, Lisa, and Miguel will be the only ones up for elimination.
Further deliberations. Harold didn't stick to the challenge's parameters. Lisa isn't mean enough to be a successful chef. That's really what they just sort of said. I'm not even going to start deconstructing what's wrong with that idea. Suffice it to say that I think it's crap. Miguel and Andrea's burrito was a lazy idea. Miguel should have taken control of his team, or whatever. The judges reach a decision.
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The bottom three are called back in. Tom tells Harold that he thinks he goes into challenges with a preconceived notion of what he wants to do, which hurts his creativity. OK, I'll buy that. Lisa's a good cook, but lacks "killer instinct". Miguel painted himself into a corner by trusting stupid, immune, previously-eliminated Andrea. LISA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Yeah, I had a feeling it'd be her. And honestly, overall I'd agree with it. She seems like she's more of a woman that likes to cook rather than someone who'd want to get into the intricacies of doing it professionally. That said, the reasoning for cutting her was not cool at all. She thanks the judges and says she's really enjoyed the experience. Aw. She repeats her invitation for Tom to come over to dinner sometime. One hundred billion points. They head back to the other room, and Lisa hugs everyone goodbye. Dave tears up, and interviews about her integrity. Tiffani's shocked. Lisa tells them all that they're all special and have a great heart. Once she leaves the room, Harold falls apart. He interviews that they've lost the mom of the house, and that he feels partly responsible for her loss. He's angry and clearly blinking back tears. "It's the nature of the game we're playing, guys," Miguel says. That's true, but I also think he's trying to expunge a little Andrea-blaming guilt of his own. Lisa's final interview is that her motivation for coming is to see how she stacks up against professional chefs, and that the experience she's gotten is richer than any amount of money. You can tell she means it. She's an awesome lady, and I cannot believe that I am starting to cry. Stupid Top Chef.
Overall Grade: A-
Previously on Top Chef: Andrea was reinstated into the competition, which made Stephen unhappy, because if there's one thing he likes to do, it's burn bridges. The chefs were asked to create a dish that would taste good when reheated in the microwave. Huh, looks like the show forgot about that whole section where their guest judge was a pompous ass. Interesting. Stephen was condescending to some upper crust women, which did not sit well. Nor did his tamale. I know I ragged on Gail last week, but her horrified look at Stephen's presentation really was priceless. Everyone loved Andrea's poop-inducing creation. Candice's quiche failed to impress. Lisa wasn't "on top of her game". Tally mark! At the judges' table, Stephen and Lisa got yelled at, but it was Candice who got herself ejected. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
San Francisco. IHOF. Miguel snoozes. Andrea does yoga. Lisa is disappointed in her performance in the previous challenges, and wants to bounce back. Andrea says that Stephen pretty much ignores her now. It looks like that since her elimination, he treats her like a ghost that's haunting the Kitchen. A ghost that found herself in the top three last week, while he was in the bottom three. Stephen interviews that the competition is "dwelling" down. Hahaha. Yes, Stephen is all about class and sophistication, but doesn't know the word "dwindling". Lee Anne continues to taunt me by wearing that goddamn tan newsboy cap. Everyone leaves the IHOF, and we get very significant shots of the car they take. Subtle. Cut me a check, and I'll consider mentioning what brand.
Quickfire. Everyone wanders into the Kitchen. KatieBot introduces this week's guest judge, who will hopefully not be a complete fuckwad. His name is Mike Yakura, and he owns a restaurant that fuses French and Asian styles of cooking. Sounds good. The Quickfire this week is pretty cool. Each chef will have five minutes to identify twenty mystery ingredients. Not only that, but the chefs will be blindfolded. Awesome. Everyone's nervous. On first viewing, I thought Lisa said she was going to "take" the challenge, but what she actually said is that she's going to "tank" it. Heh. Those are two very different statements. The only person who seems semi-confident is Andrea. Oh, and Stephen of course, because he's "always in the top three percentile of whatever [he does]". Well, he's certainly in the top three percent of people who misuse words in a desperate attempt to appear smart. I'll bet he's one of those goons who uses the word "whom" all the time, even if it's incorrect.
Lee Anne's up first. OK, these ingredients are not things like oregano or jalapeno. You know, things you can actually identify. These are tough. You could wave them in front of my face for half an hour, and I still wouldn't know what a lot of them are. A sampling: longan (a Chinese tropical fruit), tamarind (tropical tree fruit), hibiscus (flower extract), agave (sweetener), konnyaku (Japanese potato), etc. I've never even heard of some of these things. The only one we see Lee Anne get correct is the tamarind. She interviews that the chefs are not allowed to speak once they return from their challenge. Now, there's a bunch of intercut scenes with the rest of the chefs. We see the other ingredients. Nopal (cactus), kampyo (dried gourd), chili paste (one of the few things not needing an explanation), durian (Asian fruits), nato (fermented soybeans), umeboshi (a plum), ghee (clarified butter), etc. Andrea seems to do fairly well, even as she gags on the things she doesn't like. Hehehe. Other chefs are hit and miss. Stephen identifies the ghee and curry paste. Dave gets the nopal and tamarind. Harold and Lisa get the chili paste. Everyone talks about how humbling the challenge was. Dave says that if it had been a blindfolded junk food challenge, he'd have gotten them all. I'm equally confident in that arena, but then, I've seen the rest of this episode, so I'll shut my fat yap.
Everyone gathers for the results. Mike commends them, given the difficulty of the challenge. Tiffani and Miguel, who you'll remember have consistently been frontrunners in this competition, have each only gotten one right. Ouch. Four people got three right: Harold, Lee Anne, Stephen, and Lisa. So much for being in the top three "percentile", Stephen. The winner only got four right. But that's enough. And that winner is... Andrea. That makes sense. She does seem to be the most familiar with unusual things like Asian fruits and such. I guess that means Dave got two right. I also have to say that I am grinning with delight at the fact that Andrea, who a lot of people had completely written off, just kicked their asses, and is immune from elimination. Dave is pleased. Stephen has a smarmy interview. I'm just going to call them smarmerviews from now on.
KatieBot begins to explain this week's Elimination Challenge, which will test the chefs' ability to fuse two culinary cultures. MIKE. DO. YOU. WANT. TO. SHOW. EVERYBODY. THEIR. NEW. RESTAURANT? Mike exits for a moment, and returns with a street vendor cart. Yes, it's street food. Lee Anne's excited about it. Lisa isn't. Hey, where's the normal Harold interview in which he says how above this challenge he is because he's a restaurant chef? He must not be feeling well. KatieBot says that each of the fusion dishes will be a mix of Latin food and something else. Everyone has to draw knives to find what culture they'll be representing. Turns out there are two of each one, so that means people will have partners. Everyone draws a knife and pairs up. Dave and Tiffani. Harold and Lisa. Miguel and Andrea. Lee Anne and Stephen. Ooh, my favorite and my least favorite together. Twisted. Lee Anne's interview is very diplomatic. "I got partnered with Stephen. Personality-wise, I don't necessarily agree with Stephen on some of his opinions, and the way he chooses to voice them." That is by far the nicest way of calling someone an arrogant dickhead I've seen on reality TV. You go, Lee Anne. She and Stephen have to fuse Latin/Chinese. Ooh, she'll be good at that. Tiffani and Dave have Latin/Moroccan. Lisa and Harold have Latin/Japanese. Miguel and Andrea have Latin/Indian, so I'm guessing their food will put you to sleep fourteen seconds after you ingest it. Andrea already has ideas about what to do. The food will be given out free to the public, and the chefs will have the afternoon to shop for ingredients. Then, two hours in the morning before taking the food to the Mission district of San Francisco, which has a lot of Latin citizens.
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Evening. Each team has been given $200 and 1 hour to shop at each location. They work on food ideas in their [---] cars. Still waiting for my check, here. Lee Anne and Stephen are discussing possible dishes, and not doing a bad job of communicating. True, you should expect two adults to be able to have a mature exchange of ideas, but let's not forget that one of these people is Stephen, so I guess we need to credit him when he's able to walk away from a conversation without a haughty snort. Everyone will be shopping in their specialty shops first, then will meet up together at the Latin food market. Stephen smarmerviews that he only has experience with four-star dining; not street food. He and Lee Anne don't seem to have any difficulty picking out their Chinese ingredients. In the Tiffani and Dave car, there's a pretty telling display of their personalities. Tiffani fires rapid questions at Dave (who begins to give his usual equivocal answers), then interrupts him before he can finish anything he's saying. I'm not necessarily insulting them. Bossy people and doormats can work together quite well. They pick up their Moroccan ingredients, including a jaunty little fez for Dave that cracks Tiffani up. I'm starting to warm back up to her again. We'll see how long it lasts. In Miguel and Andrea's car, they talk about various ideas, but it appears that Andrea's really the one taking point on this one. She suggests an Indian spice/lentil burrito. Miguel doesn't have a problem with acceding to all her requests. A similar dynamic is shaping up between Lisa and Harold, as they shop for their Japanese ingredients. Lisa defers to Harold's ideas, since he has more experience in this area. They seem to really like one another, which makes me ridiculously happy for some reason.
Later, at the Latin market, all eight chefs shop for more ingredients. Tiffani interviews that since everyone was all crammed in together, if you see something you want, you have to grab it immediately. She gets all fake intense about it, and it's actually really cute. What is this soft spot I have for all these people tonight? Well, except Stephen. Good to know I'm not entirely off form. Miguel's fluent Spanish comes in handy when ordering meat from the resident butcher. Stephen has a lot more trouble communicating with him. Well, sure. He can barely speak English, let alone Spanish. Miguel interrupts in Spanish, though I can't tell if it's to help convey what Stephen's saying or to just bait Stephen into getting aggravated. Lee Anne narrates all this for us with devious glee. Everyone checks out and goes home.
IHOF. Everyone's goofing around. Miguel has his Fat Bastard wig on. Most people are holding a bottle with some kind of giggle juice in it. They decide to actually throw together the challenge that Dave was talking about earlier: identifying junk food while blindfolded. Oh, sweet. Dave and Miguel will be the contenders. Tiffani and Lee Anne prepare the samples. Lee Anne introduces the challenge, doing a pretty funny imitation of KatieBot. It's no Timpression, but what is? Ready? GO! Miguel's up first. Whoppers. Ding! Pork & Beans. Ding! He's already doing better than the other challenge. Lucky Charms. Ding! KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce. Ding! I think that one's a bit fishy, since I think they sponsor the show, but whatever. Cold pizza. Bzzzt! How do you miss that? Come on! Dave's blindfolded. Chocolate donut. Bzzzt! Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing. Ding! Whoppers. Ding! Doritos. Ding! Time's up. Hey, where's Lisa? She doesn't seem to be present for this. Did she go to bed already? Lee Anne drags out announcing the winner for as long as she can. Hmm, who else do we know that does that, BRAVO? The winner of the Fatass Snackmaster Challenge is... Miguel. Lee Anne refers to him as Miguel "Don't Touch My Mayonnaise" Morales. Hahaha. He asks Dave to share the honors with him. That whole segment was totally hilarious.
Morning. Lee Anne and Lisa are cooking something. How cool would it be to live in a house of chefs? Well, living with them would probably suck, but at least mealtimes would be something to look forward to. Lisa is confident about the upcoming challenge, and doesn't want to let Harold down. Miguel's excited about getting out onto the street. Everyone heads to the Kitchen. It looks like they walk there from the IHOF. They've got two hours to get everything ready. Tiffani has pulled her hair into twin braid pigtails. Aw. We finally get to see what the teams will be offering. Lee Anne and Stephen will have char siu pork and pickled Asian slaw as the Chinese half of their dish, and avocado cream on a sope tart shell as the Latin half. Sounds good, though I'm generally not a fan of any slaw. They're also making a lychee verhito (a virgin mohito) to drink. Harold and Lisa are making seared tuna with daikon sprouts (Japanese) with a jicama and avocado salad (Latin). Hmm. Now, you'll find no greater champion for seared tuna or sushi than I. Still, undercooked fish? As street food? I don't know about that. Tiffani and Dave are serving curry pork with stone fruit chutney (Moroccan), and flour gorditas with pickled carrots and red onion (Latin). Basically, it's a new spin on a Cuban sandwich. Tiffani says she tries to be very mellow when she cooks, while Dave is a whirling mass of chaos. Andrea and Miguel are making masala chicken burrito with spiced lentils (Indian) in a flour tortilla with Spanish rice (Latin). Sounds tasty. Andrea says that Miguel is very competitive, while she is very non-competitive, so they're like yin and yang. It's not apparent whether she thinks that's a benefit or detriment.
With thirty minutes left, Tom checks in. He tells us that because Andrea has immunity, it's a little odd for Miguel to let her have all the control, since he'll be the one to go if they lose. He asks Harold if he planned for his tuna to be so rare, and comments on their jicama salad as well. Lee Anne slips him a piece of pork, then laughs at him when it's too hot to chew. Hehehe. Two moments whiz by, but seem pretty important on second viewing. Lisa asks Harold if he's packed the jicama, and he seems not to have heard her. Miguel thanks Andrea for working so hard, since she could have slacked due to her immunity. She warmly tells him that she wouldn't do that, because they're a team. Harold and Lisa finish early, and are fairly cocky about their chances. Everyone packs up as time runs out.
Commercials. I'm officially over every single aspect of Brokeback Mountain. Don't tell me you loved it. Don't tell me you hated it. Don't tell me it's changed the face of cinema. Don't tell me it's overrated. Don't tell me about its effects on the gay community. Don't tell me about its effects on straight actors playing gay roles. I never want to hear another word spoken on the subject ever again.
Everyone wheels their carts into the Mission district. I don't think I saw this section of San Francisco when I visited. Harold is wearing Dave's rising sun headband. Good, for once it actually makes sense. Andrea describes the area as being full of Latin people and homeless people. Ah. Lee Anne's not happy with their cart placement. As Harold and Lisa set up, they discover that they've left the jicama behind. Normally, I'd understand, because there's always such a mad dash to get ready. But they were done early. You can bet if I finished a task early, I'd quadruple-check that I've got everything I need. Someone (Lisa) finally describes jicama. Thank you. I've never heard of it, and was wondering. She defines it as a apply-turnip-potatoey thing that's crunchy, and somewhat sweet. OK, then. She and Harold make "we're screwed" faces. Andrea and Miguel dish out their stuff. Andrea's found a bindi to wear. They've also made some tamarind punch. Man, I'm thirsty. I'll be right back. OK. My Diet Rite White Grape soda is no tamarind punch, but it'll do. Tiffani and Dave have a line waiting from the moment they open their stand. It must be the fez. Dave says that they actually had a Middle Eastern customer who said that they flavors reminded her of home. Dave works the crowd, while Tiffani assembles the sandwiches. Looks like they're really working well together. Lee Anne and Stephen are less so. Stephen's wearing a full-on suit. To "sell" street food. He has trouble relating to the people on the street. Please try to contain your shock. Lee Anne makes the best of the situation that she can. She interviews that people seemed to be frightened of him. "He is very white," she grins. I love her. Back at Harold and Lisa's cart, they remake their salad with all the ingredients they did bring along. They seem to have a bit of trouble convincing people to take it.
The judges do their walkthrough. Lee Anne and Stephen present the judges with their dish. Stephen interviews (yes INTERviews - he's refreshingly normal in this one) that their plan was to class up the idea of street food a bit. The judges really like it. Andrea and Miguel are less impressive. Their food has to be served on a plate with a fork and knife. That, added to the tamarind punch, makes their dish hard to eat on the street. One of the judges also comments that their rice is a touch bland. The judges don't really comment on Dave and Tiffani's sandwich, but Dave is happy that they've managed to seamlessly marry the two cultures' flavors. Harold and Lisa give the judges their revised salad. Tom says that something's missing, and realizes that they don't have the jicama. Harold and Lisa cop to forgetting it. Tom immediately asks who should be assigned blame for it. Harold tries to volunteer, but Lisa says it's really because of both of them. Gail says that the jicama would have really brought the salad together.
Sidebar. I really liked this episode. A lot. But this little section is a steaming pile of unfair bullshit. This is why Tom shouldn't be allowed to check in with the chefs during the process of their cooking if he's going to be judging it later. It's impossible for him to be impartial. Do you honestly believe that the judges would be like "You know what this salad could use? Jicama!" if they didn't know that it was planned for some stage? No way. The judges' job is to evaluate the final product. If they don't like Harold and Lisa's salad because the fish was too rare or because the avocado was sour or whatever, that's fine. But to punish them for a misstep that the judges shouldn't even be aware of is over the line. It'd be like if I dropped a plate of cookies I intend to serve my guests. As long as I only serve the ones that never hit the floor, the guests have no reason to know about the mishap. Plus, don't you love the fact that Tom's first response to learning that the jicama isn't there is figuring out who to point the finger at so he can shred them later? Ass.
Commercials. Use FedEx. Because corporate layoffs and unemployment are so fucking hilarious.
We come back to the Mission Cultural Center. It is painted all over in bright colors, and is perhaps the coolest building interior I've seen in a long time. This is where the judges' table will be set up this week. The judges rehash the challenge. They think picking a winner and loser will be more difficult this week. Mike liked the flavor of Miguel and Andrea's, but is unimpressed with their creativity, calling their dish an inside-out burrito. Dave and Tiffani had a good idea of portability with their sandwiches, plus there was a nice blend of cool and hot flavors. Mike thinks that Harold and Lisa's salad didn't really work as street food, because you need a bowl and utensil to eat it. Fair point. Lee Anne and Stephen fused the two cultures' flavors well. The chefs wait in another room. KatieBot enters and asks Dave, Tiffani, Stephen, and Lee Anne to join the judges. Everyone immediately knows if they're considered good or bad this week. They need to shake up this format. Miguel and Andrea are surprised. Tom tells the top two teams that these two dishes may be the strongest two of the entire competition so far. They're complimented along the same lines as the previous deliberations. Mike tells Lee Anne and Stephen that he's going to steal their drink to serve in his own restaurant. Heh. He also loved their pork. Check that, he actually "fucking loves it". I like to see an enthusiastic judge. The winners of the challenge are Dave and Tiffani. They shake hands, and are very happy for the win. They go back to the other room, and Dave calls in everyone else by name. Um, I think you can just say that the judges want to see all of them. Lisa congratulates Dave and Tiffani on their win. Tiffani wishes the loser teams luck.
We start out with the jicama bullshit. As predicted, Tom can't wait to get to the blaming. He says the last person he saw with the jicama was Lisa. She accepts responsibility for it. I have to keep track of the times that these chefs show remarkable class, which not only makes all the defensive, abrasive contestants on other reality shows look pretty deplorable, it does the same for the attacking judges here. It's actually a very refreshing change to see people in a competition act this way. Anyway, Lisa accepting jicama blame (especially when it shouldn't even be an issue) - one point. The judges bring up the fact that it wasn't really street food, and Harold plays it off by saying it was a way of showcasing something new. Mike thinks their salad was forgettable. Tom tries again to force the chefs into being jerks by asking them who should go home if their team loses. He's shot down immediately. Lisa says "me". She says that this is her third trip to the losers' table. One point. She adds that she's the only non-professional chef at this point. Harold jumps in to say that she is, indeed, a professional and not to sell herself short. One point. She points out that she's not classically trained like everyone else. Tom says that he'd love to eat at her house if he's ever in LA. She says she'd love to have him. I'll give that another point.
They turn to Andrea and Miguel. Harold and Lisa had to use a fork. Andrea and Miguel didn't, but chose to. That, added to the drink, made their dish overcomplicated. Mike says "It's a fucking burrito. You just put shit inside of it, and roll it up". Dude, I curse a lot too, but dial it down a notch. Interestingly, Miguel says that the open face was Andrea's idea, so that she could leave it up to the patrons. This scene is played as if Miguel just threw Andrea to the wolves, but he may have meant it as a compliment; that Andrea was trying to provide some options to the customer so that more people would be happy. Andrea does take it as an attack, but takes it magnanimously, interviewing about how important this is to Miguel, so she understands that he has to cast the blame onto her if he has any chance of survival. One point. Tom says that he doesn't understand Miguel's reasoning in putting all his faith in someone who has immunity and who's already been eliminated once. For fuck's sake, Tom, are you going to play the double-argument card again? No. You can eliminate Andrea, then refer to her as not having what it takes. You can reinstate Andrea, and treat her as any other normal contestant. But not both. It is completely unjust to say that Andrea's welcome back into the competition, but has to wear some sort of scarlet E on her chest for the rest of the show. Also, it seems painfully clear that Andrea didn't manipulate Miguel into trusting her so that she could intentionally sink her team and get him kicked off. The judges just look like complete idiots right now, which doesn't give me a lot of faith in their ability to competently pick winners and losers. Andrea says that if anything she did has endangered Miguel's ability to stay in the competition, she'd like to offer him her immunity. Fifty billion points. Miguel whips his head around, and has the good grace to look a little ashamed. The judges don't go for that, though, so they dismiss the chefs, saying that Harold, Lisa, and Miguel will be the only ones up for elimination.
Further deliberations. Harold didn't stick to the challenge's parameters. Lisa isn't mean enough to be a successful chef. That's really what they just sort of said. I'm not even going to start deconstructing what's wrong with that idea. Suffice it to say that I think it's crap. Miguel and Andrea's burrito was a lazy idea. Miguel should have taken control of his team, or whatever. The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. Here, kids. Why not have a tasty mouthful of disinfectant for lunch?
The bottom three are called back in. Tom tells Harold that he thinks he goes into challenges with a preconceived notion of what he wants to do, which hurts his creativity. OK, I'll buy that. Lisa's a good cook, but lacks "killer instinct". Miguel painted himself into a corner by trusting stupid, immune, previously-eliminated Andrea. LISA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Yeah, I had a feeling it'd be her. And honestly, overall I'd agree with it. She seems like she's more of a woman that likes to cook rather than someone who'd want to get into the intricacies of doing it professionally. That said, the reasoning for cutting her was not cool at all. She thanks the judges and says she's really enjoyed the experience. Aw. She repeats her invitation for Tom to come over to dinner sometime. One hundred billion points. They head back to the other room, and Lisa hugs everyone goodbye. Dave tears up, and interviews about her integrity. Tiffani's shocked. Lisa tells them all that they're all special and have a great heart. Once she leaves the room, Harold falls apart. He interviews that they've lost the mom of the house, and that he feels partly responsible for her loss. He's angry and clearly blinking back tears. "It's the nature of the game we're playing, guys," Miguel says. That's true, but I also think he's trying to expunge a little Andrea-blaming guilt of his own. Lisa's final interview is that her motivation for coming is to see how she stacks up against professional chefs, and that the experience she's gotten is richer than any amount of money. You can tell she means it. She's an awesome lady, and I cannot believe that I am starting to cry. Stupid Top Chef.
Overall Grade: A-
Sleep Deprivation Is Really Starting to Irritate Me
The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 6
Previously on The Amazing Race: The entire season. I guess since the show switched timeslots, CBS felt the need to recap everything that's happened so far to fill in new viewers. Briefly? Colorado. Brazil. Russia. Germany. Italy. Several annoying people were eliminated, and so were Wanda and Desiree. Seven teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Too bad snowball fights are unlikely to be a race challenge. It'd be nice for Frankenberry to excel at something.
Segesta, Sicily, Italy. The establishing shot includes two people making out. Go, Sicily! Phil blathers uninterestingly for a minute before we catch up with the Hippies, leaving the mat first at 2:29 AM. Their clue tells them to drive to Catania, Sicily, or as BJ pronounces it, "Catalina". The Italian tourism board calls a meeting to rename all their cities things like Smithville so that idiotic American visitors can figure out where they're going. The clue tells them that once in Catania, they must search for the Anfiteatro Romano, which is... You'll never guess. An amphitheater. How awesome! We've only seen a billion amphitheaters so far this season, so I was really aching for more. The next cluebox will be on the grounds somewhere. The Hippies interview that they feel they have an advantage over the Tools. God, I hope so. Speaking of whom, here they are leaving the mat at 4:11 AM. Wait, what? Last week, it looked like the Tools were practically nipping at the Hippies' heels. You're telling me they're almost two hours behind? OK, then.
At 5:00 AM, MoJo leaves the mat. Monica sheepishly admits to murdering the Italian words in their clue. I can't wait to see these folks in a country like Korea, where saying things like "Fasto cab-o" isn't really going to fly. MoJo talks about how Monica isn't as much of a prissy whiner as they thought she was going to be. Not in those words, of course. They wave someone over and convince him to let them have his map so they can find Catania. They somehow fail to inquire about his relationship with Jesus, because they're not crazy, rude, or the fucking Weavers. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 5:18 AM, and we find out the teams have $63 for this leg. Not that it'll matter in the least. They seem to know where they're going.
The Hippies arrive at the amphitheater, and find it doesn't open until 8:30 AM. They come up with the "hilarious" idea of putting up an "official" sign designating the team order, so that other people will think they're not allowed to get in front of them. Insert sarcastic slow clap here. I mean, saying that as a joke would actually be pretty funny. Actually going through with it smacks of "LOOK HOW FUNNY WE ARE!!!" desperation. They hang their sign and wander off to get some sleep. Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 6:06 AM. They seem pretty cheerful this morning. Is it going to be a Lake and Michelle are kind of cute day? Or a Lake and Michelle make me want to rip out my eardrums with rusty paper clips kind of day? Let's find out. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music leave the mat at 6:25 AM. Dave hopes that they won't be as snippy with each other in this leg, but they really weren't that bad last week. Cripes, Lake's been nastier towards Michelle when he's been in a good mood. Ray and Yolanda are last to depart the mat at 6:34 AM. Yolanda interviews about how she's learning to love Ray even more by seeing what great character he has. Aw. Blood Ray and I make the Eyes of Isn't Yolanda Adorable at each other. They have to ask someone for extensive directions, of course, because they are Ray and Yolanda.
Back in Catania, people are setting up the outdoor marketplace. They probably wouldn't be if they knew the Tools were rolling into town. In a show of how incredibly stupid they are, they actually fall for the fake sign-in sheet that probably wouldn't even have fooled Double D. After dithering over it for a little while, they finally catch the snap. They share a giggle with the nearby Hippies over their joke. Yawn. A cute Sicilian guy offers to lead MoJo to the amphitheater. Frankenberry has made it to Catania, but can't find the amphitheater. I thought maps and directions was the one thing they were good at. The amphitheater grounds open, and the Hippie Tool Brigade enters. That'd be a good band name, but I'm not writing it down, because it would only remind me of these people. They reach the cluebox at about the same time. The clue tells them to count the miniature heads that top the fenceposts surrounding the amphitheater. Once they have the total, they have to find the groundskeeper, who's standing around somewhere. If they tell him the correct number, he'll hand over the next clue. Normally, I'm a fan of these tasks that make people slow down and do something methodically, but quickly. In this case, though, it looks way too easy. The fence has a natural break, so it's not like people will count the same heads twice or anything.
Both teams come up with the correct answer: 41 heads. They find the groundskeeper at the same time, and he hands over the clue. Detour! Big Fish or Little Fish. In Big Fish, both team members pick up a 32-pound swordfish from a street vendor who's slightly ahead in the Most Annoying Voice In The World competition. Then they carry it to a marketplace and deliver it to another vendor at the marketplace. Er. In Little Fish, teams go to the same marketplace and sell off four kilos of a small sardine-lookin' fish. Er. Given that 32 pounds is really...not much, and given that the teams are being asked to sell fish in what looks to be a fish market, this may well be the most boring Detour ever offered. The Tools choose Big Fish. So do the Hippies, giving the reason that it'd be tough to sell fish in the morning. I have no idea what their reasoning is behind this. Frankenberry is still lost, and starting to have a traffic-related meltdown. I had one of those this morning. Fucking Highway 40.
Commercials. So whoever wins the Work Hard/Play More or whatever game from week to week is whichever team does a fairly crappy job. That's really not very exciting.
Frankenberry continues wending their way through the traffic-congested streets. Lake/Michelle and Dave/Lori are doing the same. Looks like Ray and Yolanda aren't quite into town yet. MoJo finds the amphitheater. I see that the fake sign-in sheet is still wafting in the breeze, so thanks for littering, Hippies. They find the clue, and begin counting heads. The Hippie Tool Brigade picks up their swordfish and begin yelling out for directions to the marketplace. Joseph has counted 40 heads, but Monica has the correct 41. They agree to tell the groundskeeper her answer, although it would have cost them about 0.5 seconds if they had told him the wrong number first. They go for Big Fish. The Hippie Tool Brigade drops off their fish. Wow, so that was the Detour. I really hope they weren't counting on this episode to bring in a bunch of new viewers. The clue tells them to drive to the city of Siracusa. Once there, they have to find Fonte Ubertino for their next clue. I don't know if that's spelled right. They meet MoJo on the way out. The Hippies give Monica a big hug to get fish juice all over her. Heh.
Frankenberry has found the amphitheater, which means them getting lost meant absolutely nothing in terms of their placement. Exciting! The Brigade agrees to work together to get to Siracusa, but the Tools ditch the Hippies two seconds later. Shortest alliance ever. Frankenberry is done counting, but Fran seems a bit confused about the "find the groundskeeper" part of the clue. She's shouting for him at the top of the theater, as if he's going to pop out and help her. Barry tries to dissuade her, but she insists on shouting "Hello????" over and over. Whatever, lady. They still have little trouble finding him, and they choose Little Fish for their Detour. MoJo picks up their swordfish. Lake's getting mad at the traffic. Michelle tells him that naturally there's going to be some traffic, as it's a town of 400,000 people. "And they're all right here!", Lake responds. Hahaha. Wow, for once I'm laughing with Lake. Meanwhile, the age old men-won't-ask-directions cliche is rearing its head in the Dave and Lori car. Ray and Yolanda decide to chuck the traffic and just park, figuring they can find the theater faster on foot. I assume they know they're fairly close to it, because that's a pretty big risk. Ray begins asking people for directions, but nobody really wants to talk to him. He says Yolanda might be the one who needs to ask. She kiddingly points out that he's kind of aggressively yelling "TEATRO ROMANO?????" at people, which may be why they're not falling all over themselves to help. Hehehe.
Frankenberry reaches the market and starts selling. I thought I specifically requested not to be shown Barry's hairy shoulders for the remainder of the season. MoJo has reached the market as well, but have trouble finding the specific vendor they need to drop the fish at. This....THIS is what causes Monica to break down into tears, and Joseph to become a snarling jerk. Not missing the entrance to the helicopter Detour three times in Brazil. Not getting hopelessly lost on the way to the Russian trolley depot. No. Wasting five minutes looking for a fish vendor is what truly unhinges them.
Commercials. Puppies are cute. Puppies with mouth motions created with CGI are creepy.
MoJo finally finds the guy. They leave for Siracusa in a foul mood. Frankenberry continues to sell their fish, and finish soon after. They leave for their car in a much better mood. Zzzzz. I'm sorry to keep ragging on the episode, but it's even more apparent on second viewing how dull it is. As Frankenberry jumps in their car to leave, Lake and Michelle arrive at the amphitheater. Frankenberry somehow assumes that Lake wants help finding the cluebox, which doesn't seem very likely, but they take the time to snot that they wouldn't help him anyway. Did Lake piss in their cereal some morning or something? I can understand not liking him, but they seem to have a hatred for him that seems slightly uncalled for. As Lake opens the clue, he predicts it'll be "find something in the middle of frickin' nowhere". Hahahaha! Lake is on fire tonight! They count the fencepost heads, but Michelle feels that there's no way the task could be that easy, so they must be missing something. I know what she feels like. Now, the one thing that made this episode worthwhile. Lake and Michelle approach some random guy in the amphitheater. Lake asks him if he's the groundskeeper, and without waiting for a response, Michelle gives him the 41 fencepost answer. The man casts a nervous glance at the camera, then nods apprehensively. Lake gets all excited, and holds out his hand for the clue. The guy smacks his hand for a low-five. Hehehehe. Michelle finally figures out that they're just talking to some regular guy. They do finally find the groundskeeper and choose Big Fish.
MoJo gets into a little honking contest with a nearby car. Monica is still whining about smelling like fish. Get over it, princess. Lake and Michelle pick up their swordfish. Michelle likens the fish to lugging her kid around. Heh. They drop off the fish, and pick up the Siracusa clue. Dave and Lori are still driving around, but have found someone willing to lead them to the amphitheater. Too late, though, because Ray and Yolanda's strategy to hoof it has paid off, and they have found the theater. I hope you enjoyed this part where one team passed another team, because that's all you're going to see of it tonight. Lake and Michelle head for Siracusa, and snap nastily at each other over the directions. It's what always happens. Michelle is totally right, and Lake refuses to listen to her, and then when they discover that she was right all along, he hardly acknowledges her. I need a shorthand way to say that, because it happens a lot. Ray and Yolanda count heads and choose Big Fish. Dave and Lori arrive, get the clue, count heads, and go for Big Fish.
OK, so. I had typed up the majority of the rest of this episode when my internet crashed. Had this been a good one, I'd take the trouble to redo it. It's not. I won't.
The Tools finish as team 1. The Hippies are 2. MoJo is 3. Frankenberry is 4. Lake and Michelle are 5. Ray and Yolanda are 6. Dave and Lori come in last, and it's unfortunately not a non-elimination episode, so my favorite team gets punted. Aw. They're cute to the end. I'll miss them. Not to mention the Happy Tootling Nerd Music.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on The Amazing Race: The entire season. I guess since the show switched timeslots, CBS felt the need to recap everything that's happened so far to fill in new viewers. Briefly? Colorado. Brazil. Russia. Germany. Italy. Several annoying people were eliminated, and so were Wanda and Desiree. Seven teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Too bad snowball fights are unlikely to be a race challenge. It'd be nice for Frankenberry to excel at something.
Segesta, Sicily, Italy. The establishing shot includes two people making out. Go, Sicily! Phil blathers uninterestingly for a minute before we catch up with the Hippies, leaving the mat first at 2:29 AM. Their clue tells them to drive to Catania, Sicily, or as BJ pronounces it, "Catalina". The Italian tourism board calls a meeting to rename all their cities things like Smithville so that idiotic American visitors can figure out where they're going. The clue tells them that once in Catania, they must search for the Anfiteatro Romano, which is... You'll never guess. An amphitheater. How awesome! We've only seen a billion amphitheaters so far this season, so I was really aching for more. The next cluebox will be on the grounds somewhere. The Hippies interview that they feel they have an advantage over the Tools. God, I hope so. Speaking of whom, here they are leaving the mat at 4:11 AM. Wait, what? Last week, it looked like the Tools were practically nipping at the Hippies' heels. You're telling me they're almost two hours behind? OK, then.
At 5:00 AM, MoJo leaves the mat. Monica sheepishly admits to murdering the Italian words in their clue. I can't wait to see these folks in a country like Korea, where saying things like "Fasto cab-o" isn't really going to fly. MoJo talks about how Monica isn't as much of a prissy whiner as they thought she was going to be. Not in those words, of course. They wave someone over and convince him to let them have his map so they can find Catania. They somehow fail to inquire about his relationship with Jesus, because they're not crazy, rude, or the fucking Weavers. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 5:18 AM, and we find out the teams have $63 for this leg. Not that it'll matter in the least. They seem to know where they're going.
The Hippies arrive at the amphitheater, and find it doesn't open until 8:30 AM. They come up with the "hilarious" idea of putting up an "official" sign designating the team order, so that other people will think they're not allowed to get in front of them. Insert sarcastic slow clap here. I mean, saying that as a joke would actually be pretty funny. Actually going through with it smacks of "LOOK HOW FUNNY WE ARE!!!" desperation. They hang their sign and wander off to get some sleep. Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 6:06 AM. They seem pretty cheerful this morning. Is it going to be a Lake and Michelle are kind of cute day? Or a Lake and Michelle make me want to rip out my eardrums with rusty paper clips kind of day? Let's find out. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music leave the mat at 6:25 AM. Dave hopes that they won't be as snippy with each other in this leg, but they really weren't that bad last week. Cripes, Lake's been nastier towards Michelle when he's been in a good mood. Ray and Yolanda are last to depart the mat at 6:34 AM. Yolanda interviews about how she's learning to love Ray even more by seeing what great character he has. Aw. Blood Ray and I make the Eyes of Isn't Yolanda Adorable at each other. They have to ask someone for extensive directions, of course, because they are Ray and Yolanda.
Back in Catania, people are setting up the outdoor marketplace. They probably wouldn't be if they knew the Tools were rolling into town. In a show of how incredibly stupid they are, they actually fall for the fake sign-in sheet that probably wouldn't even have fooled Double D. After dithering over it for a little while, they finally catch the snap. They share a giggle with the nearby Hippies over their joke. Yawn. A cute Sicilian guy offers to lead MoJo to the amphitheater. Frankenberry has made it to Catania, but can't find the amphitheater. I thought maps and directions was the one thing they were good at. The amphitheater grounds open, and the Hippie Tool Brigade enters. That'd be a good band name, but I'm not writing it down, because it would only remind me of these people. They reach the cluebox at about the same time. The clue tells them to count the miniature heads that top the fenceposts surrounding the amphitheater. Once they have the total, they have to find the groundskeeper, who's standing around somewhere. If they tell him the correct number, he'll hand over the next clue. Normally, I'm a fan of these tasks that make people slow down and do something methodically, but quickly. In this case, though, it looks way too easy. The fence has a natural break, so it's not like people will count the same heads twice or anything.
Both teams come up with the correct answer: 41 heads. They find the groundskeeper at the same time, and he hands over the clue. Detour! Big Fish or Little Fish. In Big Fish, both team members pick up a 32-pound swordfish from a street vendor who's slightly ahead in the Most Annoying Voice In The World competition. Then they carry it to a marketplace and deliver it to another vendor at the marketplace. Er. In Little Fish, teams go to the same marketplace and sell off four kilos of a small sardine-lookin' fish. Er. Given that 32 pounds is really...not much, and given that the teams are being asked to sell fish in what looks to be a fish market, this may well be the most boring Detour ever offered. The Tools choose Big Fish. So do the Hippies, giving the reason that it'd be tough to sell fish in the morning. I have no idea what their reasoning is behind this. Frankenberry is still lost, and starting to have a traffic-related meltdown. I had one of those this morning. Fucking Highway 40.
Commercials. So whoever wins the Work Hard/Play More or whatever game from week to week is whichever team does a fairly crappy job. That's really not very exciting.
Frankenberry continues wending their way through the traffic-congested streets. Lake/Michelle and Dave/Lori are doing the same. Looks like Ray and Yolanda aren't quite into town yet. MoJo finds the amphitheater. I see that the fake sign-in sheet is still wafting in the breeze, so thanks for littering, Hippies. They find the clue, and begin counting heads. The Hippie Tool Brigade picks up their swordfish and begin yelling out for directions to the marketplace. Joseph has counted 40 heads, but Monica has the correct 41. They agree to tell the groundskeeper her answer, although it would have cost them about 0.5 seconds if they had told him the wrong number first. They go for Big Fish. The Hippie Tool Brigade drops off their fish. Wow, so that was the Detour. I really hope they weren't counting on this episode to bring in a bunch of new viewers. The clue tells them to drive to the city of Siracusa. Once there, they have to find Fonte Ubertino for their next clue. I don't know if that's spelled right. They meet MoJo on the way out. The Hippies give Monica a big hug to get fish juice all over her. Heh.
Frankenberry has found the amphitheater, which means them getting lost meant absolutely nothing in terms of their placement. Exciting! The Brigade agrees to work together to get to Siracusa, but the Tools ditch the Hippies two seconds later. Shortest alliance ever. Frankenberry is done counting, but Fran seems a bit confused about the "find the groundskeeper" part of the clue. She's shouting for him at the top of the theater, as if he's going to pop out and help her. Barry tries to dissuade her, but she insists on shouting "Hello????" over and over. Whatever, lady. They still have little trouble finding him, and they choose Little Fish for their Detour. MoJo picks up their swordfish. Lake's getting mad at the traffic. Michelle tells him that naturally there's going to be some traffic, as it's a town of 400,000 people. "And they're all right here!", Lake responds. Hahaha. Wow, for once I'm laughing with Lake. Meanwhile, the age old men-won't-ask-directions cliche is rearing its head in the Dave and Lori car. Ray and Yolanda decide to chuck the traffic and just park, figuring they can find the theater faster on foot. I assume they know they're fairly close to it, because that's a pretty big risk. Ray begins asking people for directions, but nobody really wants to talk to him. He says Yolanda might be the one who needs to ask. She kiddingly points out that he's kind of aggressively yelling "TEATRO ROMANO?????" at people, which may be why they're not falling all over themselves to help. Hehehe.
Frankenberry reaches the market and starts selling. I thought I specifically requested not to be shown Barry's hairy shoulders for the remainder of the season. MoJo has reached the market as well, but have trouble finding the specific vendor they need to drop the fish at. This....THIS is what causes Monica to break down into tears, and Joseph to become a snarling jerk. Not missing the entrance to the helicopter Detour three times in Brazil. Not getting hopelessly lost on the way to the Russian trolley depot. No. Wasting five minutes looking for a fish vendor is what truly unhinges them.
Commercials. Puppies are cute. Puppies with mouth motions created with CGI are creepy.
MoJo finally finds the guy. They leave for Siracusa in a foul mood. Frankenberry continues to sell their fish, and finish soon after. They leave for their car in a much better mood. Zzzzz. I'm sorry to keep ragging on the episode, but it's even more apparent on second viewing how dull it is. As Frankenberry jumps in their car to leave, Lake and Michelle arrive at the amphitheater. Frankenberry somehow assumes that Lake wants help finding the cluebox, which doesn't seem very likely, but they take the time to snot that they wouldn't help him anyway. Did Lake piss in their cereal some morning or something? I can understand not liking him, but they seem to have a hatred for him that seems slightly uncalled for. As Lake opens the clue, he predicts it'll be "find something in the middle of frickin' nowhere". Hahahaha! Lake is on fire tonight! They count the fencepost heads, but Michelle feels that there's no way the task could be that easy, so they must be missing something. I know what she feels like. Now, the one thing that made this episode worthwhile. Lake and Michelle approach some random guy in the amphitheater. Lake asks him if he's the groundskeeper, and without waiting for a response, Michelle gives him the 41 fencepost answer. The man casts a nervous glance at the camera, then nods apprehensively. Lake gets all excited, and holds out his hand for the clue. The guy smacks his hand for a low-five. Hehehehe. Michelle finally figures out that they're just talking to some regular guy. They do finally find the groundskeeper and choose Big Fish.
MoJo gets into a little honking contest with a nearby car. Monica is still whining about smelling like fish. Get over it, princess. Lake and Michelle pick up their swordfish. Michelle likens the fish to lugging her kid around. Heh. They drop off the fish, and pick up the Siracusa clue. Dave and Lori are still driving around, but have found someone willing to lead them to the amphitheater. Too late, though, because Ray and Yolanda's strategy to hoof it has paid off, and they have found the theater. I hope you enjoyed this part where one team passed another team, because that's all you're going to see of it tonight. Lake and Michelle head for Siracusa, and snap nastily at each other over the directions. It's what always happens. Michelle is totally right, and Lake refuses to listen to her, and then when they discover that she was right all along, he hardly acknowledges her. I need a shorthand way to say that, because it happens a lot. Ray and Yolanda count heads and choose Big Fish. Dave and Lori arrive, get the clue, count heads, and go for Big Fish.
OK, so. I had typed up the majority of the rest of this episode when my internet crashed. Had this been a good one, I'd take the trouble to redo it. It's not. I won't.
The Tools finish as team 1. The Hippies are 2. MoJo is 3. Frankenberry is 4. Lake and Michelle are 5. Ray and Yolanda are 6. Dave and Lori come in last, and it's unfortunately not a non-elimination episode, so my favorite team gets punted. Aw. They're cute to the end. I'll miss them. Not to mention the Happy Tootling Nerd Music.
Overall Grade: C
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The Girl Who Lost In Her Timeslot
The Amazing Race, often billed as family entertainment, wasn't doing so well in the ratings in its Tuesday 10-11 PM slot. Gee, ya think? Also disappointing were the Wednesday prime time sitcoms, including one starring Jenna Elfman. Gee, ya think?
So, in its infinite wisdom, CBS moved the race to Wednesdays at 8-9 PM (Eastern). Guess what that puts it up against. Bad news, Tyra. Though America's Next Top Model has been known to be a damn entertaining show, this season just isn't up to snuff. I may catch the episodes in their rerun airing, but as far as What'ere, Jane Eyre goes, I'm sorry ANTM. You did not receive your photo.
So, in its infinite wisdom, CBS moved the race to Wednesdays at 8-9 PM (Eastern). Guess what that puts it up against. Bad news, Tyra. Though America's Next Top Model has been known to be a damn entertaining show, this season just isn't up to snuff. I may catch the episodes in their rerun airing, but as far as What'ere, Jane Eyre goes, I'm sorry ANTM. You did not receive your photo.
Food on the Fly
Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were divided into two teams. Well, actually they were divided into the blue team and a loose association of individuals forced to collaborate on the same project, or red team for short. Stephen and Candice fought over essentially nothing. Candice called Stephen a tool and a douchebag, so she's obviously smarter than we've all given her credit for. The teams served their food to a group of children, which rubbed Tiffani and Harold the wrong way, cause it's not like kids are actually people or anything. The red team overcame their differences enough to win the challenge, thanks mostly to Miguel and Lisa. Though mostly everyone on the blue team was ripe for elimination, Tiffani was spared by immunity, and Lee Anne was spared by being awesome. Brian's mushy carrots were declared the dealbreaker, and he was cut loose. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
San Francisco. At the IHOF, everyone's just waking up. Dave interviews that he's been doing really poorly, and needs to "step it up". Stephen hopes that the rest of the challenges will be individual, the better to not elucidate the fact that nobody can stand him. Candice interviews that a lot of the other chefs are trying to tear her down. Really? The only person I've seen who's overtly bitchy to Candice is Stephen, and he's overtly bitchy to everyone. That's thankfully it for the Pointless Morning After Elimination of the Week interviews, and everyone heads out.
Quickfire Challenge. KatieBot meets the chefs on the street, and tells them that the theme for this week's challenges is food on the fly, or things that must be prepared rapidly and without fanfare. The Quickfire this week is testing versatility and invention. KatieBot points out the number of specialty markets in the Mission district, and tells the chefs that they'll get $20 and half an hour to buy ingredients from one particular store. An Asian grocer? Nope. A Jewish deli? Try again. It's actually a gas station rest stop. Hah! That's clever. Most of the chefs laugh good naturedly. Miguel interviews that obviously, this is the last place a chef would ever go to get groceries, but you can tell he's amused and anxious to do something fun. Less amused are Harold and Tiffani, who I'm starting to think had to have their senses of humor surgically removed. Hey, that self-importance takes up a lot of room. Harold isn't into this challenge at all. Harold isn't into most of the challenges, because I guess he thought going on a reality show wouldn't involve competing in dramatic and off-kilter tasks. I'd be curious to know what he thought this experience was going to be, other than a shortcut to some diet fame. KatieBot tells the chefs that in addition to the things they purchase at the gas station, they're welcome to use any dried herbs or spices in the Kitchen.
Everyone streams into the store. Stephen has trouble finding the fine wines he was apparently hoping to discover in the local Pump 'n Munch. Candice laughs at a bunch of the high-falootin' chefs who are so completely out of their element. Tiffani starts grabbing donuts, interviewing that she's going to make a "Grispee Greme bred puddeen". I'm sorry, that's a Krispy Kreme bread pudding. Tiffani's got a cold, and her nose is all stopped up, which has the odd side effect of making her sound completely adorable in all of her interviews this week. People rib Andrea a bit, knowing she must be in health food hell right about now. Dave's all excited about the challenge. Miguel is buying a lot of the same ingredients as Tiffani, so she yells at him for being a copycat. She interviews that she had brought up making donut bread pudding a couple of days previously. Really? So she was planning for this challenge before she even knew what it was? Interesting. I think Tiffani caught her cold from some errant bullshit. She whines that she got the donuts first. Miguel shrugs her off. It's hard to tell whether he's really taking the idea of making a bread pudding from her or not. I'm not a huge Tiffani fan, but there's nothing shown onscreen to indicate that she's mistaken or lying. If Miguel really is being a copycat, that's an ass thing to do. Still, it's not like you can't make bread pudding a bunch of different ways, and it's also not as if they have a wealth of ingredients to choose from.
Back in the Kitchen, KatieBot starts the timer. There's only half an hour to throw the dish together. The winner will be immune from elimination, as always. Go! People run all over the place. Miguel interviews that he hasn't won a Quickfire, but thinks he's got a good shot at this one, given his love of junk food. Harold wins back a little bit of love by looking straight into the camera and deadpanning "I bought spam. I...bought spam," with a look of complete "Can you believe this shit?" on his face. Hehehe. Lee Anne teases him about becoming spam's new spokesperson. Stephen's using spam, too. You know, I've never tasted spam. It looks kinda gross, but this episode has my curiosity piqued. More frantic cooking. Andrea laughingly interviews that her clients are going to pass out when they see her cooking with candy and such. Hehehe. Stephen blatantly cheats by putting fresh herbs on his plate. This isn't him forgetting that they were told they could only use dried herbs. He and Harold actually interview that he knew very well what he was doing, but went ahead anyway. Bleh. Tiffani accuses Miguel in an interview of "not habbing any creatibe thoughts on his own". Sure, that must be why he won the sexy dessert challenge. And beat your ass into the ground on the monkfish challenge. Better put a robe on, Tiffani. Your insecurity is showing. With one minute left, everyone makes their finishing touches. Time's up.
The guest judge this week is Jefferson Hill, who is the chef at a restaurant stationed at Neiman Marcus. He and KatieBot go down the line, starting with Miguel. Miguel has made pumpkin donut bread pudding, a little shotglass of coconut water topped with chocolate foam, and a few orange-flavored breath strips. I love that little touch. Jefferson dismisses everything as sickly sweet. Tiffani brings her hand to her face, knowing she's screwed. Andrea has made cup o' noodles topped with beef jerky. She's made the sauce for the noodles out of Reese's peanut butter cups. I have to say it looks really good. "Too peanut buttery," Jefferson sniffs. Um, there's no such thing. Candice has made gazpacho out of spicy tomato soups and some half and half. Jefferson snots that it tastes like nacho cheese sauce. Candice interviews that she didn't use any cheese, and that Jefferson is the first guest judge to be a gratuitous dick. Not in those words, of course, but that's what it boils down to. Harold has prepared some eggs on toast, crisped spam, some relish and Funyuns as the garnish, and has emulsified his sauce with the filling from an ice cream sandwich. Neat. Jefferson criticizes the relish before he even eats it. Tiffani interviews that Jefferson's critiques were "on point but a liddle harsh nonedeless for a gas station".
In fact, there's a pretty clear gradient here. Guest judges like Hubert Keller and Laurent Manrique, who are the executive chefs at fancy restaurants, were very complimentary and respectful of the chefs (except Ken, but he had it coming). Elizabeth Faulkner, who is still in charge of a business (albeit a smaller, less glamorous one), was a little snooty, but found good things to say about a lot of people. And Jefferson Hill, who essentially works in a glorified food court at the mall, is a self-important dick. Pretty telling, that. Tiffani sucks up to him by saying she tried to cut the sweetness of the donuts in her bread pudding by adding graham crackers and blueberries. It does look tasty. Jefferson tells her it's too soft and dry. Dave's put together a hangover platter. Heh, cool. There's a bean and beef burrito that's been torched briefly. Also, there's some tomato soup and a cinnamon roll. That's not nearly greasy enough to take care of an actual hangover, but I like his thinking. Jefferson... Wait, did he actually just compliment someone? I have to go back. Yes, he did! He tells Dave he's come up with a very creative idea. You'll note he says absolutely nothing about how it tastes. Weird. Lee Anne's dish is a Funion-battered [sic] spiedini, accented with Oscar Mayer lunchmeat.
Pretentious chef to English dictionary: Spiedini. Noun. Formally, it's any skewer of meat or fish grilled over flame or under a broiler. Lee Anne's more informal definition is fried mozzarella cheese slapped between two pieces of bread. Those two meanings don't really jive, but whatever. "This one is very good," Jefferson says in the same tone of voice you'd use to say "I'd like to confirm my 10:15 appointment to be audited". Lisa's is scrambled eggs with cheese on toast, topped with chili, and accented by slabs of pistachio-dust-topped hotdogs for decoration. Looks good. Jefferson dismisses it as just "pork and beans, with eggs". Sorry, I guess they were out of rack of lamb AT THE GAS STATION. Ooh, Stephen. It's always fun to watch two egotistical shitheads throw down against each other, because no matter who loses, it's someone you hate. He has a typically smarmy interview saying his plate looks more well balanced than the other chefs'. No, what his plate looks like is what it always looks like. Artistic, minimalistic, and fairly inedible. There's a shot of coconut water infused with paprika and green tea, peanuts and tarragon with charred spam, a line of dried peas, a wilted basil leaf over some vanilla dumpling, and a chili/mango syrup. KatieBot busts him for using fresh herbs, which he's not allowed to do. Is he disqualified? Or even taken to task at all? Don't be silly. Stephen lies that he didn't intentionally use an ingredient that wasn't allowed. It turns out not to matter, because Jefferson, of course, hates everything. KatieBot asks him for his decision, inquiring if there were any real disasters. He points out Candice's gazpacho. She's embarrassed. Forced to pick a winner from among these people he clearly feels far superior to, he goes with Lee Anne. Yay! She's pleased, but hopes to win a long challenge. Frankly, I'd be happy with her consistently winning only the Quickfires, since it's the only challenge with a demonstrable benefit.
Commercials. I see that the caveman FedEx commercial is supposed to be funny, but it's....really not. Also, I know it's just a throwaway joke and not to be taken seriously, but humans and dinosaurs? Not so much with the co-existing.
Elimination Challenge. KatieBot gets right to the point. The challenge will be to create a gourmet entree that can be reheated in the microwave. The winner will be judged by a group of local women who belong to the Junior League. Harold complains in an interview... I know, I'm shocked, too. Anyway, Harold complains in an interview that he doesn't want to encourage people to eat food out of microwaves, since it would drive away business. It'd be like McDonald's suggesting someone buy a Whopper. He's got a point. Still, he says that he'd rather people "come to the restaurant and let [him] and the staff take care of them," which is pretty rich coming from the guy who wouldn't condescend to make an edible meal for children. Tomorrow night, someone's getting eliminated. Well, then "Elimination Challenge" is a good name for it. Everyone goes to the grocery store. They've got $50, and an hour to shop. Candice is still humiliated for being called out in the Quickfire. Tiffani says that because her audience is all women, she knew she could appeal to them with fish. Um, what? Do men not eat fish? Whatever. She says she bought some escolar, because it has a good fat content for reheating. Smart thinking. Stephen hopes to "educate" the women with a Oaxacan tamale. Harold reiterates that he's not into the challenge at all. That'd be the third one in a row. I'm so over him. He's going to make some soup, involving lobster. Dave says he's working on a lasagna with fire-roasted marinara and slow-cooked alfredo. He buys some colorful vegetables. Lisa, being a mom, says that she's got some experience in this type of challenge. She's going to make an herb-roasted chicken and undercook it, so that the microwave will finish it perfectly. Interesting. Miguel tells Andrea and Lisa that he's making meatloaf. They look skeptical. What's wrong with meatloaf? Everyone hangs around outside making fun of Stephen for buying a bunch of esoteric ingredients. He's called the mad scientist, and his cooking is compared to a chaotic chem lab. Dave snots that regular people don't eat the sort of froufrou things Stephen makes.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs are given ninety minutes to get everything ready. Lee Anne greets Harold's lobster, which is still walking around alive on the table. Hehehe. Nobody can ever say she's not nice to strangers. There's some frantic preparation. Miguel shouts out how much time is left after only fifteen minutes have elapsed. Dude, I think you can put that off for a while. People get snippy with each other, which Dave attributes to them cooking under unusual conditions and time constraints. Fair enough. Tom checks in, and is typically unhelpful. I'll get back to him at the judging. Dave chants "salt, salt, salt" to himself, remembering where he tripped up on the last challenge. Tom tells us that Candice is making quiche, which is ambitious, given that pastry doesn't always do well in the microwave. Very true. Stephen tends to be style over substance. Duh. Lisa has an edge, due to her experience with home cooking. Well, thanks Tom. I'm glad we had this little chat. Tiffani glazes her fish with Asian highlights like soy and miso. They'll act as a sort of marinade overnight, then enhance the flavor of the fish when they're heated in the microwave the next day. Smart. Miguel has made his meatloaf, and added ginger, honey, Chinese fire-spice, and barbecue sauce. Lee Anne is making lemongrass chicken over steamed jasmine rice. That sounds so good. Ew, except for the coconut milk she's adding. Harold puts raw shrimp into his soup so that the microwave won't overcook them.
Andrea's making a Quinoa pilaf with curried sweet potatoes. She acts like her motives are a big secret, even though we all have known her cooking style from the word go. Miguel chops mushrooms like the wind. Impressive. Candice blathers something about how she thinks the moms will like her quiche, because she knows other people who happen to be moms and like quiche. Um, thanks Candice. Five minutes left. People have to start boxing up their food to be refrigerated. Lisa says that she didn't have time to cool her pasta and season it, nor to grill her chicken. I don't understand. How can you not find time to make pasta and throw some chicken on the grill in an hour and a half? Did she kill the chicken herself? Dave's lasagna looks like vomit. Harold makes a comment about how Dave has a "magical lasagna". I'll admit to having absolutely no idea what that means. Is he complimenting it? Insulting it? Ridiculing it? Dave takes it as if Harold has just spit in his face. He's stressed because of the time limit, and unfortunately takes it out by deciding that Harold and Stephen are assholes who are making fun of him. Which they may be, but we've really seen no evidence of that. He goes on and on about it in an interview. Dave's being a drama queen, and we all know how I feel about those.
Commercials. Use this credit card because M. Night Shyamalan uses it. Sure, if it means I can do one really great thing, then coast on it for the rest of my life like he's doing.
Next day. People flit around the IHOF nervously. Lisa shrugs that she can't do anything about her unfinished chicken; just microwave it and hope it turns out well. Stephen feels making a tamale is a safe bet. Everyone heads out. They pull up to a gorgeous mansion, where they're greeted by the judges. Oh, goody. Jefferson Hill is there, too. The chefs will have to make a short presentation, outlining what they've made, then serve the ladies. The ladies will decide the winner, and the judges will decide who's eliminated. Andrea's confident, because this type of woman is her core audience. Harold interviews that being a good cook isn't enough. You have to sell your product and be personable. Where was he with that attitude last week? Miguel says that he wants his food to have universal appeal. Andrea and Stephen do that thing where they pretend to be self-deprecating about not knowing a lot about microwaves, but really the intention is to show off at how above microwaves they are. Miguel knocks Stephen down a few notches by saying that the microwave was a godsend to his single-parent household. The Junior League ladies gather on the veranda by the pool. Yes, these are the harassed working mothers we've heard so much about. I don't mean to insult them. The Junior League does a lot of great volunteer work. I'm just saying that the women who do such work can afford to take the time to volunteer, because they tend to be pretty wealthy. Tiffani interviews that they have "den minnudes to ged reddy".
Dave is up first. He very wisely plays off how horrible his lasagna looks by saying that his motives were flavor and functionality. And just because it looks bad doesn't mean it is. Stir some apple butter into cottage cheese sometime. It's really good, and good for you. That said? It looks like a chunky shitbomb. Anyway, Dave. His lasagna is double-sauced, and the colorful vegetables he's put on the side are a nice touch. The women are very complimentary. Dave is pleased. Stephen's up next. I'm not even going to attempt to describe all the weird-ass ingredients he's put into his tamale. He begins to talk and talk, lecturing the women on the origins of his ingredients, and basically being the smug prick he always is. Upon being asked if she knows what a plantain is, one of the women rolls her eyes awesomely. Tiffani nails it in an interview, saying that Stephen's food always has an air of condescension. The judges look horrified. Nobody thinks his tamale is hot enough, and someone says it's also too dry. What, the tamale, or Stephen? *rimshot* Thank you! I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
Harold has made a coconut (bleh) seafood soup with lobster and shrimp, and a pea-shoot biscuit on the side. He charms the ladies. It works. They love his soup. Tiffani's next, with her miso and mirin-glazed escolar (aka sea bass). Tiffani is very easy and natural in her presentation. If she were like this all the time, she may have turned out to be my favorite contestant. Everyone loves it. Speaking of favorite contestants, here's Lee Anne. The ladies respond well to her lemongrass chicken stir-fry. I respond less well to that tan newsboy cap she insists on wearing in some of her interviews. Candice is pretty obviously nervous as she presents her spinach/shrimp quiche. Turns out she has good reason to be. The crust doesn't hold together well, and someone mentions overcooked shrimp. Lisa has made two cheese gratin with herbed chicken breast. She interviews that her presentation didn't go as well as she'd hoped, which she attributes to not being pleased with her dish. That's understandable. The ladies seem to feel that the herb flavor is overpowering the chicken. I'm as skeptical of that as I was of "too peanut buttery" earlier. I like a lot of herb flavor. I've never experienced something being "too herby". Andrea's pilaf includes leeks, mushrooms, chicken/turkey sausage, and the quinoa (a rice-like grain from the Andean region of South America - thanks, internet!). There's also the sweet potato mash. She plays up the health angle, and is completely at home in front of this audience. She even mentions the whole "eat this, and you'll take a nice dump later" argument, which is not the first time. Stop talking about people's poop, Andrea. Dave is proud of her for always sticking to her principles, food-wise. Miguel has added edamame to his meatloaf. I love edamame. I love saying edamame. It's almost as much fun as the word "pumpernickel". He doesn't use the microwave's full power, but the convection setting. This makes the meatloaf cold in the center. Ouch. He's disappointed in himself. All the chefs fret in the kitchen with worry.
Commercials. Aw, a cute little snail! There are far too few snails on TV these days.
Judges' table. Gail says that a lot of people who were previously very strong were weak in this challenge, and vice versa. Oh, that's right. I was going to call a brief sidebar about the judges, wasn't I? Well, now's as good a time as any, I suppose. I'll preface this by saying that I have no doubt that the judges (Tom and Gail, anyway) are extremely qualified to judge the competence of the dishes presented to them. I'm sure they're very smart, fair people. They are also complete duds. They don't distinguish themselves in any way. They're not funny or acerbic or witty or enthusiastic or anything. They just sit there, say their boring piece, and are done. You know something's wrong when I'm pining for the days of Michael Kors. Tom is supposed to be a mentor as well as judge. This idea may be flawed from the start, as I don't know how good an idea it is to have someone who checks in during the process be allowed to form a final judgement. Even if that weren't the case, Tom falls pretty flat in this other regard as well. They're just all so dull. Especially KatieBot.
Anyhow. Jefferson says that there were three good dishes, three bad, and three mediocre. KatieBot and Gail agree that Dave's was very good. Andrea impressed Tom. KatieBot leaves to go get the top three. She asks Andrea, Harold, and Tiffani to join the judges. Andrea senses that this is good news, saying "Well, how do ya like me now?". Hehehe. I hope one of these weeks, they summon the worst three in first. Just to shake things up. The three are told that they were voted the favorites. Harold was charming and the soup turned out well. Tiffani's escolar was cooked perfectly, and its high oil content helped it to not dry out. Andrea managed to add a note of finesse to her normally earthy granola type stuff. The women have voted Tiffani the winner. She's happy about it, calling herself the "microwabe queen". Take some Nyquil! Her prize, of course, is to ask the bottom three to go to the judges' table. That'd be Stephen, Lisa, and Candice. Miguel wishes them luck.
They sit down with the judges. Stephen is embarrassed. Not because he made bad food, of course. He just doesn't want to be lumped in with losers like Lisa and Candice. YOU. WERE. THE. THREE. WORST. IN. THIS. COMPETITION. ONE. OF. YOU. WILL. BE. GOING. HOME. Lisa admits to the problems she had with time. Gail points out that it didn't look appetizing at all, and again brings up the overpowering herbs. Jefferson tells Candice her quiche was doomed from the start. The dough was rubbery. Tom follows up on that point, and Candice apologizes. Tom tells her she doesn't need to apologize, as it's not a personal insult, but that her inexperience is really starting to show. Stephen had clashing, confusing flavors. Gail calls it "almost inedible". He pretty meekly accepts the criticisms, because although he's a tool and a douchebag, he knows who not to mouth off to. They're sent off. Deliberations. Tom nails Stephen as being too wrapped up in the "dogma of cooking". That's exactly it. Just like Santino thought more about making a statement with his clothes than about making actual, wearable garments, Stephen is more interested in arty pretentions of food. Candice's quiche was a mess. Lisa. Herbs. Gail says that all she tasted in Lisa's chicken was the bitter end of rosemary. I hereby announce that if I ever write a play, it shall be entitled "The Bitter End of Rosemary".
Commercials. There's an ad for the French Culinary Institute, and I could almost swear Miguel is in it. Isn't he a hotel chef? What's up with that?
The bottom three are called back in. Tom pretends to have a little tantrum in which he wishes he could send all three of them home. It's made to look like he's in an angry mood, but you can sort of tell that he's been planning that speech for a while. The judges are disappointed, and Tom tells them that they can't blame any of their failings on the microwave, since other chefs did quite well with it. Tom, would you like to point out where any of these people tried to blame the microwave? No? Maybe that's because it NEVER HAPPENED. KatieBot wraps it up. THE. DECISION. TONIGHT. WAS. UNANIMOUS. CANDICE. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. All three of the chefs head back to the Kitchen. She tearfully bids the other chefs goodbye, and they all give her a heartfelt "awwww", because they were all hoping it'd be Stephen to get cut. Even Stephen apologizes for the way he's treated her. That had to be hard for him, though I'll point out he made sure to sit on that apology until she got canned. She interviews that she's proud of herself for making it this far, and that she can "finally be comfortable now, being Candice". Because she was such a shy violet? Well, I'm glad she made herself more likable before she went. I'm sure she finds great comfort in that.
Next week on Top Chef: Yeah, you know what? I'm sick of watching these previews that obviously give away who's going to wind up at the winners'/losers' table. I don't like spoilers, so I'm not going to watch the previews anymore.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were divided into two teams. Well, actually they were divided into the blue team and a loose association of individuals forced to collaborate on the same project, or red team for short. Stephen and Candice fought over essentially nothing. Candice called Stephen a tool and a douchebag, so she's obviously smarter than we've all given her credit for. The teams served their food to a group of children, which rubbed Tiffani and Harold the wrong way, cause it's not like kids are actually people or anything. The red team overcame their differences enough to win the challenge, thanks mostly to Miguel and Lisa. Though mostly everyone on the blue team was ripe for elimination, Tiffani was spared by immunity, and Lee Anne was spared by being awesome. Brian's mushy carrots were declared the dealbreaker, and he was cut loose. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
San Francisco. At the IHOF, everyone's just waking up. Dave interviews that he's been doing really poorly, and needs to "step it up". Stephen hopes that the rest of the challenges will be individual, the better to not elucidate the fact that nobody can stand him. Candice interviews that a lot of the other chefs are trying to tear her down. Really? The only person I've seen who's overtly bitchy to Candice is Stephen, and he's overtly bitchy to everyone. That's thankfully it for the Pointless Morning After Elimination of the Week interviews, and everyone heads out.
Quickfire Challenge. KatieBot meets the chefs on the street, and tells them that the theme for this week's challenges is food on the fly, or things that must be prepared rapidly and without fanfare. The Quickfire this week is testing versatility and invention. KatieBot points out the number of specialty markets in the Mission district, and tells the chefs that they'll get $20 and half an hour to buy ingredients from one particular store. An Asian grocer? Nope. A Jewish deli? Try again. It's actually a gas station rest stop. Hah! That's clever. Most of the chefs laugh good naturedly. Miguel interviews that obviously, this is the last place a chef would ever go to get groceries, but you can tell he's amused and anxious to do something fun. Less amused are Harold and Tiffani, who I'm starting to think had to have their senses of humor surgically removed. Hey, that self-importance takes up a lot of room. Harold isn't into this challenge at all. Harold isn't into most of the challenges, because I guess he thought going on a reality show wouldn't involve competing in dramatic and off-kilter tasks. I'd be curious to know what he thought this experience was going to be, other than a shortcut to some diet fame. KatieBot tells the chefs that in addition to the things they purchase at the gas station, they're welcome to use any dried herbs or spices in the Kitchen.
Everyone streams into the store. Stephen has trouble finding the fine wines he was apparently hoping to discover in the local Pump 'n Munch. Candice laughs at a bunch of the high-falootin' chefs who are so completely out of their element. Tiffani starts grabbing donuts, interviewing that she's going to make a "Grispee Greme bred puddeen". I'm sorry, that's a Krispy Kreme bread pudding. Tiffani's got a cold, and her nose is all stopped up, which has the odd side effect of making her sound completely adorable in all of her interviews this week. People rib Andrea a bit, knowing she must be in health food hell right about now. Dave's all excited about the challenge. Miguel is buying a lot of the same ingredients as Tiffani, so she yells at him for being a copycat. She interviews that she had brought up making donut bread pudding a couple of days previously. Really? So she was planning for this challenge before she even knew what it was? Interesting. I think Tiffani caught her cold from some errant bullshit. She whines that she got the donuts first. Miguel shrugs her off. It's hard to tell whether he's really taking the idea of making a bread pudding from her or not. I'm not a huge Tiffani fan, but there's nothing shown onscreen to indicate that she's mistaken or lying. If Miguel really is being a copycat, that's an ass thing to do. Still, it's not like you can't make bread pudding a bunch of different ways, and it's also not as if they have a wealth of ingredients to choose from.
Back in the Kitchen, KatieBot starts the timer. There's only half an hour to throw the dish together. The winner will be immune from elimination, as always. Go! People run all over the place. Miguel interviews that he hasn't won a Quickfire, but thinks he's got a good shot at this one, given his love of junk food. Harold wins back a little bit of love by looking straight into the camera and deadpanning "I bought spam. I...bought spam," with a look of complete "Can you believe this shit?" on his face. Hehehe. Lee Anne teases him about becoming spam's new spokesperson. Stephen's using spam, too. You know, I've never tasted spam. It looks kinda gross, but this episode has my curiosity piqued. More frantic cooking. Andrea laughingly interviews that her clients are going to pass out when they see her cooking with candy and such. Hehehe. Stephen blatantly cheats by putting fresh herbs on his plate. This isn't him forgetting that they were told they could only use dried herbs. He and Harold actually interview that he knew very well what he was doing, but went ahead anyway. Bleh. Tiffani accuses Miguel in an interview of "not habbing any creatibe thoughts on his own". Sure, that must be why he won the sexy dessert challenge. And beat your ass into the ground on the monkfish challenge. Better put a robe on, Tiffani. Your insecurity is showing. With one minute left, everyone makes their finishing touches. Time's up.
The guest judge this week is Jefferson Hill, who is the chef at a restaurant stationed at Neiman Marcus. He and KatieBot go down the line, starting with Miguel. Miguel has made pumpkin donut bread pudding, a little shotglass of coconut water topped with chocolate foam, and a few orange-flavored breath strips. I love that little touch. Jefferson dismisses everything as sickly sweet. Tiffani brings her hand to her face, knowing she's screwed. Andrea has made cup o' noodles topped with beef jerky. She's made the sauce for the noodles out of Reese's peanut butter cups. I have to say it looks really good. "Too peanut buttery," Jefferson sniffs. Um, there's no such thing. Candice has made gazpacho out of spicy tomato soups and some half and half. Jefferson snots that it tastes like nacho cheese sauce. Candice interviews that she didn't use any cheese, and that Jefferson is the first guest judge to be a gratuitous dick. Not in those words, of course, but that's what it boils down to. Harold has prepared some eggs on toast, crisped spam, some relish and Funyuns as the garnish, and has emulsified his sauce with the filling from an ice cream sandwich. Neat. Jefferson criticizes the relish before he even eats it. Tiffani interviews that Jefferson's critiques were "on point but a liddle harsh nonedeless for a gas station".
In fact, there's a pretty clear gradient here. Guest judges like Hubert Keller and Laurent Manrique, who are the executive chefs at fancy restaurants, were very complimentary and respectful of the chefs (except Ken, but he had it coming). Elizabeth Faulkner, who is still in charge of a business (albeit a smaller, less glamorous one), was a little snooty, but found good things to say about a lot of people. And Jefferson Hill, who essentially works in a glorified food court at the mall, is a self-important dick. Pretty telling, that. Tiffani sucks up to him by saying she tried to cut the sweetness of the donuts in her bread pudding by adding graham crackers and blueberries. It does look tasty. Jefferson tells her it's too soft and dry. Dave's put together a hangover platter. Heh, cool. There's a bean and beef burrito that's been torched briefly. Also, there's some tomato soup and a cinnamon roll. That's not nearly greasy enough to take care of an actual hangover, but I like his thinking. Jefferson... Wait, did he actually just compliment someone? I have to go back. Yes, he did! He tells Dave he's come up with a very creative idea. You'll note he says absolutely nothing about how it tastes. Weird. Lee Anne's dish is a Funion-battered [sic] spiedini, accented with Oscar Mayer lunchmeat.
Pretentious chef to English dictionary: Spiedini. Noun. Formally, it's any skewer of meat or fish grilled over flame or under a broiler. Lee Anne's more informal definition is fried mozzarella cheese slapped between two pieces of bread. Those two meanings don't really jive, but whatever. "This one is very good," Jefferson says in the same tone of voice you'd use to say "I'd like to confirm my 10:15 appointment to be audited". Lisa's is scrambled eggs with cheese on toast, topped with chili, and accented by slabs of pistachio-dust-topped hotdogs for decoration. Looks good. Jefferson dismisses it as just "pork and beans, with eggs". Sorry, I guess they were out of rack of lamb AT THE GAS STATION. Ooh, Stephen. It's always fun to watch two egotistical shitheads throw down against each other, because no matter who loses, it's someone you hate. He has a typically smarmy interview saying his plate looks more well balanced than the other chefs'. No, what his plate looks like is what it always looks like. Artistic, minimalistic, and fairly inedible. There's a shot of coconut water infused with paprika and green tea, peanuts and tarragon with charred spam, a line of dried peas, a wilted basil leaf over some vanilla dumpling, and a chili/mango syrup. KatieBot busts him for using fresh herbs, which he's not allowed to do. Is he disqualified? Or even taken to task at all? Don't be silly. Stephen lies that he didn't intentionally use an ingredient that wasn't allowed. It turns out not to matter, because Jefferson, of course, hates everything. KatieBot asks him for his decision, inquiring if there were any real disasters. He points out Candice's gazpacho. She's embarrassed. Forced to pick a winner from among these people he clearly feels far superior to, he goes with Lee Anne. Yay! She's pleased, but hopes to win a long challenge. Frankly, I'd be happy with her consistently winning only the Quickfires, since it's the only challenge with a demonstrable benefit.
Commercials. I see that the caveman FedEx commercial is supposed to be funny, but it's....really not. Also, I know it's just a throwaway joke and not to be taken seriously, but humans and dinosaurs? Not so much with the co-existing.
Elimination Challenge. KatieBot gets right to the point. The challenge will be to create a gourmet entree that can be reheated in the microwave. The winner will be judged by a group of local women who belong to the Junior League. Harold complains in an interview... I know, I'm shocked, too. Anyway, Harold complains in an interview that he doesn't want to encourage people to eat food out of microwaves, since it would drive away business. It'd be like McDonald's suggesting someone buy a Whopper. He's got a point. Still, he says that he'd rather people "come to the restaurant and let [him] and the staff take care of them," which is pretty rich coming from the guy who wouldn't condescend to make an edible meal for children. Tomorrow night, someone's getting eliminated. Well, then "Elimination Challenge" is a good name for it. Everyone goes to the grocery store. They've got $50, and an hour to shop. Candice is still humiliated for being called out in the Quickfire. Tiffani says that because her audience is all women, she knew she could appeal to them with fish. Um, what? Do men not eat fish? Whatever. She says she bought some escolar, because it has a good fat content for reheating. Smart thinking. Stephen hopes to "educate" the women with a Oaxacan tamale. Harold reiterates that he's not into the challenge at all. That'd be the third one in a row. I'm so over him. He's going to make some soup, involving lobster. Dave says he's working on a lasagna with fire-roasted marinara and slow-cooked alfredo. He buys some colorful vegetables. Lisa, being a mom, says that she's got some experience in this type of challenge. She's going to make an herb-roasted chicken and undercook it, so that the microwave will finish it perfectly. Interesting. Miguel tells Andrea and Lisa that he's making meatloaf. They look skeptical. What's wrong with meatloaf? Everyone hangs around outside making fun of Stephen for buying a bunch of esoteric ingredients. He's called the mad scientist, and his cooking is compared to a chaotic chem lab. Dave snots that regular people don't eat the sort of froufrou things Stephen makes.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs are given ninety minutes to get everything ready. Lee Anne greets Harold's lobster, which is still walking around alive on the table. Hehehe. Nobody can ever say she's not nice to strangers. There's some frantic preparation. Miguel shouts out how much time is left after only fifteen minutes have elapsed. Dude, I think you can put that off for a while. People get snippy with each other, which Dave attributes to them cooking under unusual conditions and time constraints. Fair enough. Tom checks in, and is typically unhelpful. I'll get back to him at the judging. Dave chants "salt, salt, salt" to himself, remembering where he tripped up on the last challenge. Tom tells us that Candice is making quiche, which is ambitious, given that pastry doesn't always do well in the microwave. Very true. Stephen tends to be style over substance. Duh. Lisa has an edge, due to her experience with home cooking. Well, thanks Tom. I'm glad we had this little chat. Tiffani glazes her fish with Asian highlights like soy and miso. They'll act as a sort of marinade overnight, then enhance the flavor of the fish when they're heated in the microwave the next day. Smart. Miguel has made his meatloaf, and added ginger, honey, Chinese fire-spice, and barbecue sauce. Lee Anne is making lemongrass chicken over steamed jasmine rice. That sounds so good. Ew, except for the coconut milk she's adding. Harold puts raw shrimp into his soup so that the microwave won't overcook them.
Andrea's making a Quinoa pilaf with curried sweet potatoes. She acts like her motives are a big secret, even though we all have known her cooking style from the word go. Miguel chops mushrooms like the wind. Impressive. Candice blathers something about how she thinks the moms will like her quiche, because she knows other people who happen to be moms and like quiche. Um, thanks Candice. Five minutes left. People have to start boxing up their food to be refrigerated. Lisa says that she didn't have time to cool her pasta and season it, nor to grill her chicken. I don't understand. How can you not find time to make pasta and throw some chicken on the grill in an hour and a half? Did she kill the chicken herself? Dave's lasagna looks like vomit. Harold makes a comment about how Dave has a "magical lasagna". I'll admit to having absolutely no idea what that means. Is he complimenting it? Insulting it? Ridiculing it? Dave takes it as if Harold has just spit in his face. He's stressed because of the time limit, and unfortunately takes it out by deciding that Harold and Stephen are assholes who are making fun of him. Which they may be, but we've really seen no evidence of that. He goes on and on about it in an interview. Dave's being a drama queen, and we all know how I feel about those.
Commercials. Use this credit card because M. Night Shyamalan uses it. Sure, if it means I can do one really great thing, then coast on it for the rest of my life like he's doing.
Next day. People flit around the IHOF nervously. Lisa shrugs that she can't do anything about her unfinished chicken; just microwave it and hope it turns out well. Stephen feels making a tamale is a safe bet. Everyone heads out. They pull up to a gorgeous mansion, where they're greeted by the judges. Oh, goody. Jefferson Hill is there, too. The chefs will have to make a short presentation, outlining what they've made, then serve the ladies. The ladies will decide the winner, and the judges will decide who's eliminated. Andrea's confident, because this type of woman is her core audience. Harold interviews that being a good cook isn't enough. You have to sell your product and be personable. Where was he with that attitude last week? Miguel says that he wants his food to have universal appeal. Andrea and Stephen do that thing where they pretend to be self-deprecating about not knowing a lot about microwaves, but really the intention is to show off at how above microwaves they are. Miguel knocks Stephen down a few notches by saying that the microwave was a godsend to his single-parent household. The Junior League ladies gather on the veranda by the pool. Yes, these are the harassed working mothers we've heard so much about. I don't mean to insult them. The Junior League does a lot of great volunteer work. I'm just saying that the women who do such work can afford to take the time to volunteer, because they tend to be pretty wealthy. Tiffani interviews that they have "den minnudes to ged reddy".
Dave is up first. He very wisely plays off how horrible his lasagna looks by saying that his motives were flavor and functionality. And just because it looks bad doesn't mean it is. Stir some apple butter into cottage cheese sometime. It's really good, and good for you. That said? It looks like a chunky shitbomb. Anyway, Dave. His lasagna is double-sauced, and the colorful vegetables he's put on the side are a nice touch. The women are very complimentary. Dave is pleased. Stephen's up next. I'm not even going to attempt to describe all the weird-ass ingredients he's put into his tamale. He begins to talk and talk, lecturing the women on the origins of his ingredients, and basically being the smug prick he always is. Upon being asked if she knows what a plantain is, one of the women rolls her eyes awesomely. Tiffani nails it in an interview, saying that Stephen's food always has an air of condescension. The judges look horrified. Nobody thinks his tamale is hot enough, and someone says it's also too dry. What, the tamale, or Stephen? *rimshot* Thank you! I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
Harold has made a coconut (bleh) seafood soup with lobster and shrimp, and a pea-shoot biscuit on the side. He charms the ladies. It works. They love his soup. Tiffani's next, with her miso and mirin-glazed escolar (aka sea bass). Tiffani is very easy and natural in her presentation. If she were like this all the time, she may have turned out to be my favorite contestant. Everyone loves it. Speaking of favorite contestants, here's Lee Anne. The ladies respond well to her lemongrass chicken stir-fry. I respond less well to that tan newsboy cap she insists on wearing in some of her interviews. Candice is pretty obviously nervous as she presents her spinach/shrimp quiche. Turns out she has good reason to be. The crust doesn't hold together well, and someone mentions overcooked shrimp. Lisa has made two cheese gratin with herbed chicken breast. She interviews that her presentation didn't go as well as she'd hoped, which she attributes to not being pleased with her dish. That's understandable. The ladies seem to feel that the herb flavor is overpowering the chicken. I'm as skeptical of that as I was of "too peanut buttery" earlier. I like a lot of herb flavor. I've never experienced something being "too herby". Andrea's pilaf includes leeks, mushrooms, chicken/turkey sausage, and the quinoa (a rice-like grain from the Andean region of South America - thanks, internet!). There's also the sweet potato mash. She plays up the health angle, and is completely at home in front of this audience. She even mentions the whole "eat this, and you'll take a nice dump later" argument, which is not the first time. Stop talking about people's poop, Andrea. Dave is proud of her for always sticking to her principles, food-wise. Miguel has added edamame to his meatloaf. I love edamame. I love saying edamame. It's almost as much fun as the word "pumpernickel". He doesn't use the microwave's full power, but the convection setting. This makes the meatloaf cold in the center. Ouch. He's disappointed in himself. All the chefs fret in the kitchen with worry.
Commercials. Aw, a cute little snail! There are far too few snails on TV these days.
Judges' table. Gail says that a lot of people who were previously very strong were weak in this challenge, and vice versa. Oh, that's right. I was going to call a brief sidebar about the judges, wasn't I? Well, now's as good a time as any, I suppose. I'll preface this by saying that I have no doubt that the judges (Tom and Gail, anyway) are extremely qualified to judge the competence of the dishes presented to them. I'm sure they're very smart, fair people. They are also complete duds. They don't distinguish themselves in any way. They're not funny or acerbic or witty or enthusiastic or anything. They just sit there, say their boring piece, and are done. You know something's wrong when I'm pining for the days of Michael Kors. Tom is supposed to be a mentor as well as judge. This idea may be flawed from the start, as I don't know how good an idea it is to have someone who checks in during the process be allowed to form a final judgement. Even if that weren't the case, Tom falls pretty flat in this other regard as well. They're just all so dull. Especially KatieBot.
Anyhow. Jefferson says that there were three good dishes, three bad, and three mediocre. KatieBot and Gail agree that Dave's was very good. Andrea impressed Tom. KatieBot leaves to go get the top three. She asks Andrea, Harold, and Tiffani to join the judges. Andrea senses that this is good news, saying "Well, how do ya like me now?". Hehehe. I hope one of these weeks, they summon the worst three in first. Just to shake things up. The three are told that they were voted the favorites. Harold was charming and the soup turned out well. Tiffani's escolar was cooked perfectly, and its high oil content helped it to not dry out. Andrea managed to add a note of finesse to her normally earthy granola type stuff. The women have voted Tiffani the winner. She's happy about it, calling herself the "microwabe queen". Take some Nyquil! Her prize, of course, is to ask the bottom three to go to the judges' table. That'd be Stephen, Lisa, and Candice. Miguel wishes them luck.
They sit down with the judges. Stephen is embarrassed. Not because he made bad food, of course. He just doesn't want to be lumped in with losers like Lisa and Candice. YOU. WERE. THE. THREE. WORST. IN. THIS. COMPETITION. ONE. OF. YOU. WILL. BE. GOING. HOME. Lisa admits to the problems she had with time. Gail points out that it didn't look appetizing at all, and again brings up the overpowering herbs. Jefferson tells Candice her quiche was doomed from the start. The dough was rubbery. Tom follows up on that point, and Candice apologizes. Tom tells her she doesn't need to apologize, as it's not a personal insult, but that her inexperience is really starting to show. Stephen had clashing, confusing flavors. Gail calls it "almost inedible". He pretty meekly accepts the criticisms, because although he's a tool and a douchebag, he knows who not to mouth off to. They're sent off. Deliberations. Tom nails Stephen as being too wrapped up in the "dogma of cooking". That's exactly it. Just like Santino thought more about making a statement with his clothes than about making actual, wearable garments, Stephen is more interested in arty pretentions of food. Candice's quiche was a mess. Lisa. Herbs. Gail says that all she tasted in Lisa's chicken was the bitter end of rosemary. I hereby announce that if I ever write a play, it shall be entitled "The Bitter End of Rosemary".
Commercials. There's an ad for the French Culinary Institute, and I could almost swear Miguel is in it. Isn't he a hotel chef? What's up with that?
The bottom three are called back in. Tom pretends to have a little tantrum in which he wishes he could send all three of them home. It's made to look like he's in an angry mood, but you can sort of tell that he's been planning that speech for a while. The judges are disappointed, and Tom tells them that they can't blame any of their failings on the microwave, since other chefs did quite well with it. Tom, would you like to point out where any of these people tried to blame the microwave? No? Maybe that's because it NEVER HAPPENED. KatieBot wraps it up. THE. DECISION. TONIGHT. WAS. UNANIMOUS. CANDICE. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. All three of the chefs head back to the Kitchen. She tearfully bids the other chefs goodbye, and they all give her a heartfelt "awwww", because they were all hoping it'd be Stephen to get cut. Even Stephen apologizes for the way he's treated her. That had to be hard for him, though I'll point out he made sure to sit on that apology until she got canned. She interviews that she's proud of herself for making it this far, and that she can "finally be comfortable now, being Candice". Because she was such a shy violet? Well, I'm glad she made herself more likable before she went. I'm sure she finds great comfort in that.
Next week on Top Chef: Yeah, you know what? I'm sick of watching these previews that obviously give away who's going to wind up at the winners'/losers' table. I don't like spoilers, so I'm not going to watch the previews anymore.
Overall Grade: B
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Good Thing I Took That Human Anatomy Class in High School
The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 5
Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams raced from Moscow, Russia to Stuttgart, Germany. A bunch of people bashed each other in the head with bottles. But nicely. Fran and Barry didn't suck wind for a change. Wanda and Desire tried to work with Double D, but all they accomplished was having to directly compete with each other to avoid elimination. Double D emerged victorious, mostly because Dani found one of those gnomes faster. That's really fucking sad when you stop to think about it. So, we bid adieu to the mom and her Natalie Portmanesque daughter. That's OK, I hear V for Vendetta is doing really well. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Lake and Michelle remind me that I really need to make a dental appointment soon.
Munich, Germany. It's purty. Phil says it's known for banking and beer. Hooray for money and alcohol! Phil wonders if Lake and Michelle can stay at the front of the pack (which means they'll fall behind) and if Dave and Lori can keep on keeping on with their solid relationship (which means they'll fight). See why I wish they'd cut these ponderous Phil questions at the beginning? The Tools will leave the mat first at 2:15 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to the island of Sicily; specifically to Palermo, Italy. Or as Jeremy says it, PAH-lur-mo. Is that anywhere near San Paolo? Once in (picture it...) Sicily, teams must make their way to the Teatro Massimo, a local opera house. The Tools tool off for the airport. The Hippies leave next at 3:04 AM. That's quite a substantial lead the Tools built up last week. They're going to win this whole freaking race, aren't they? Sigh. Anyway, the Hippies interview that they use humor as a way of ensuring good karma. Or something. Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 3:09. Lake mangles "Palermo", too. They meet up with the Hippies to find their way to the airport, and Lake interviews something about how he's still the leader of the team. What'ere.
The Tools arrive at the airport, and approach the information counter. The agent there tells them that the first flight is with Alitalia, connecting through Rome. I don't hear the arrival time, because Eric is being a tool. You think reading that over and over is tiresome and repetitive? Try watching it. They camp out at the Alitalia counter, which is not open yet. The Hippies and Lake/Michelle arrive. They briefly greet the Tools, who are playing around in wheelchairs, then Lake and Michelle head for an available internet connection downstairs. The Hippies, however, decide to do a wheelchair obstacle course mini-race against the Tools. Eric and BJ race. Eric wins. I'm telling you, it's a metaphor for the entire race! I don't want it to be so, I'm just sensing it! The Hippies decide to go see what Lake and Michelle have found out. Not much, as it seems that the webpage Michelle has logged onto is in German. Imagine that. The Hippies, on another computer, manage to access a page in English, and purchase tickets which get them into Palermo at 10:15 AM. Lake and Michelle can't figure out how to do the same, and give up on the internet.
Frankenberry leaves the mat at 5:03 AM. They say they're learning from their mistakes. Well, they've certainly made plenty to learn from. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music depart the mat at 5:28 AM. They're still in love. Although they are pretty much my favorite team, could we hear about something else for a change? They're in love! We get it! MoJo leaves the mat at 5:52 AM. More murder of the word "Palermo". I mean, I get that foreign words get mispronounced, but it's Palermo! Part of me wishes these people would get sent to Vladivostok. They'd probably wind up in Ohio. Monica says that people mistakenly view her as a dumb blonde, just as she mispronounces Palermo again. Oh, that was just mean, show. Still. Hehehe.
Back at the airport, Lake and Michelle have gotten behind the Tools at the Alitalia counter. The Hippies tell them about the flight they're on, then head for their gate. The counter opens. Hey, guess what? The Hippies got the last seats on that early flight. Damn, are they lucky. Lake and Michelle bemoan the fact that they should have gotten those tickets, but are surprisingly not that worked up about it. I suppose it is rather early in the day. I know I can't whip myself up into an angry frenzy until I've had my coffee. They decide to head for Lufthansa to see about other tickets. The Tools try another tactic, asking for standby tickets on the Hippies' flight. I roll my eyes, because of course they'll get it. They're the Tools. Lake and Michelle purchase tickets that get them into Palermo at 2:00 PM. Eek. I have a hard time believing nothing lands in Palermo between 10:15 AM and 2:00 PM. It looks like they just panicked and bought the first available tickets they discovered. Frankenberry arrives, and heads straight for Lufthansa. They hear about the same flight Lake and Michelle just got onto. However, Barry has the presence of mind to ask about better connecting flights. There is one through Alitalia that gets into Palermo at 1:25 PM. See? Fran waves her arms around like a goof. They buy the tickets. Lake approaches to ask what they got, and Frankenberry rudely snots that Lake needs to step away from them. I guess they think he's trying to piggyback on their information? No, Lake clearly tells them he and Michelle already have their tickets, but Fran's already worked herself up, so she keeps telling him to step away. Jeez, Fran. What'd you have for breakfast? Carnation Instant Bitch?
OF COURSE the Tools make it onto the early flight along with the Hippies. They're off to Rome. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music get the same tickets Frankenberry got. Ray and Yolanda are just now leaving the mat at 6:48 AM. That's quite a time gap. Ray says he's getting to know Yolanda a lot better on the race, including the fact that she has her own mind. Yolanda grins at the camera like "Did he really just say something that dumb?". She's a cutie. MoJo's at the airport. It actually takes them a few tries to buy tickets, because they both have no idea how to pronounce "Palermo". I cannot tell you how already sick of typing "Palermo" I am. The word has lost all meaning. They get the same tickets as Dave/Lori/Frankenberry. Double D leaves the mat at 7:28 AM. Wow, they suck. They say they're going to take their time, and that slow and steady wins the race. Because they've been doing so well.
Dave/Lori/Frankenberry/MoJo/Lake/Michelle all board their plane. Lake complains about being tied with everyone else, apparently not knowing that he's not so much "tied", since everyone else will have a good half hour jump on him the second they step off the plane.
Ray and Yolanda (and Double D right behind them) buy tickets that get them into Palermo at the same time as Lake and Michelle. How did Double D catch up to Ray and Yolanda at the ticket counter? They were like 45 minutes behind! Weird editing. Meanwhile, the Tools and Hippies discover that they have different connecting flights, which will put the Hippies ahead. The Tools will still lead everyone else. And through the magic of television, we're there! I wish all my flights were that short. Palermo, Italy. The Hippies arrive, and find a taxi. The middle group lands in Rome. This is where Lake and Michelle discover the mistake they made. Whoopsie! They try to get tickets on the earlier flight, but it's full. Lake is upset, but more at the people who have the nerve to be outracing him than at himself. Well, sure.
Commercials. I'm sorry, I just have no interest in "texting" someone. Nor in using "text" as a verb.
Michelle tells Lake not to worry too much, since someone else is bound to screw up something.
Blood Ray: "She may have to fly there naked!"
Limecrete: "That never gets old."
Normally, I'd tell Michelle that she can't really count on other teams being dumbasses, but then I remembered that Double D is still in the mix, so it's probably not a bad guess. Speaking of whom, here they are, along with Ray and Yolanda, catching up. The Hippies find the opera theater, and the clue box in front of it. It tells them to pick a marked car and drive themselves to the town of Castellammare Del Golfo, 42 miles away. The next clue box will be on the seaside terrace of the fortress there. OK, so, hope you enjoyed the opera theater, of which we saw nary a stone. Sorry, I've been reading Jane Austen, and I'm starting to pick up her inflection. The Tools land. I'm still not going to revisit their "Woo! Women!" speeches. I just wish they'd shut the fuck up for five minutes. The next grouping lands in Palermo. I have no idea how far behind the Tools they are. The last grouping lands. Everyone's headed for the opera theater. Tools. Clue. Jeremy takes the time to fix his hair, because he is a twelve-year-old girl.
The Hippies easily find the next clue box. We barely see the fortress. I mean, I know we're supposed to be focused on the teams and the race and everything, but if you're going to show this little of the scenery, you may as well have the race take place entirely within a Sam's Club. Anyway. Detour! Foundry or Laundry. In Foundry, teams walk to a nearby metalworks and pick up a 110-pound bell. Then they load it onto a little golf cart lookin' vehicle and drive it to a staircase. Once they carry the bell up the stairs, they deposit it at the nearby church, where the priest will hand them their next clue. In Laundry, teams find an intersection where a bunch of laundry lines have been hung up. Once there, teams have to search through 2400 pieces of laundry to find one of 16 with a red and yellow tag sewn in. Once they find it, they trade the clothing for a clue from the local washerwoman. The Hippies go for Laundry. They find the clothes and begin searching.
MoJo is first of the middle group to find the clue box at the theater. Then Frankenberry. Then Dave and Lori. Dave tries to take a clue, even though Lori's already got one, and she has to get a bit hysterical at him for a second before he realizes what he's done. I seem to remember Freddy and Kendra got a penalty that almost put them out of the race for a similar goof, so Lori's got good reason to go a little nuts. Once on the road, Monica snips at Joseph about directions. Fran snips at Barry about his driving. Lori snips at Dave about getting on the highway. Moral of the story? All women are horrible nags. Ah, the things this show teaches me. Back at the laundry lines, BJ finds one of the marked clothes. They trade it for their clue, which tells them to drive 13 miles to the town of Segesta. Once there, they find the Teatro Di Segesta. This is no opera house. It's the ruins of an ancient amphitheater, and is extremely beautiful. Yes, they actually let you see it! Two more things of note. One, there's a Yield ahead. We'll get to that in a bit, race newbies. Two, the Hippies are wearing shirts that read "Bowling" and "Moms". Hehehehe. Awesome. I loved those two.
The Tools talk about their horrible mistake that has put them in such a shameful position. That'd be second place for those of you following along. Ray/Yolanda/Double D hit the opera house cluebox at the same time. Ray and Yolanda get a good jump, because Double D is having trouble with their stick shift. Sigh. I don't have to throw that tantrum again, do I? Lake and Michelle, now in last place, get their opera house clue. Of course, they're not in last for long, because Double D is still lurching along in their car. The Tools get their fortress (aka Detour) clue. Despite being such "manly men", they opt for Laundry. They begin searching. They're both looking into the same pieces of clothing. Because it takes two people to spot a tag. Dinks. MoJo gets the fortress clue and picks Foundry. Jeremy finds a marked piece of clothing. They're off to Segesta, and actually fail to hit on the washerwoman. So the only thing you gals need to do to avoid being slimed on by these two is be seventy years old. You can handle that, right?
The Hippies have reached the amphitheater and the Yield. OK, the Yield. I should preface this by saying I pretty much hate the Yield, because I believe teams should rise and fall on their own merits. If you race well, you place high. If you make mistakes, you place low, and are eliminated. The Yield throws an element of interference into the game which I do not care for. What the Yield does is allow a team to pick another team behind them to stop racing for a predetermined amount of time. The Yielded team is forced to turn over an hourglass, and must wait until the sand runs out (though I don't think it's an actual hour) before continuing on. Teams may only use a Yield once, and there are only two on the race. There are numbers posted on the Yield, so you know what place you're in when you reach it, though I don't believe you know for sure which teams are behind you, so you may very well waste it if you happen to pick a team that's beating you. The Hippies choose not to Yield anyone. Yeah, they're in a good enough position that it'd be a waste, and would only make someone unnecessarily angry at them. They pick up their clue. Roadblock! The hint is "Who's good at piecing things together?". Phil lets us in on the fact that the Roadblock involves putting together a statue out of pieces provided. He also tells us that the teams don't know that there are two extra pieces that don't belong. Well, that's evil. Not deliciously evil, either.
Tyler is drafted for the Hippies. MoJo starts transporting their bell. Joseph is walking too fast for Monica to keep up her end of the bell, so she yells at him. The yelling I can get behind, because that would be extremely frustrating. The dropping the bell to stand there and berate him? Not so much. He snaps at her to pick up the bell and get moving. Yeah, I'm with him on that one. You can yell at him at the pitstop, Monica. Time's kind of a factor, here. Frankenberry seems to be a bit lost, but finds MoJo just as Joseph hoists the bell into the little cart thingy. Once at the staircase, Joseph picks up the bell by himself, waving off (well, not literally - since, you know...the BELL) Monica's attempts to help him. He's not slouching, either. He's actually running up a staircase with a 110-pound bell on his back. That was kind of hot. In shades of the first episode, Frankenberry walks right by the clue box again. Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm confused as to why I don't dislike them more. They're not particularly competent. They're not particularly nice. They're not particularly cute. Shouldn't I hate them? And yet I don't. Weird. Monica leads Joseph to the priest, so they're off to the amphitheater.
Frankenberry finds the clue box. Good, I don't think I could sit through another volley of them wandering around aimlessly. They finally pick the correct Detour for them, and head for Laundry. Barry jokes about how the young 'uns don't even know what a clothespin is. I say the same thing about top-loading VCRs. Dave and Lori, in fifth place, also pick Laundry. Barry finds a piece of marked clothing. They pass Dave and Lori on their way out. Ray and Yolanda find the Detour. They're gym rats, so they go for Foundry. Lake and Michelle, fairly jolly for being in seventh place, find the clue box and choose Laundry. Double D is not far behind. They also choose Laundry. They try to convince themselves they're not doing too badly, given their inexperience with traveling. I'm thinking that's not really the issue, ladies. Ray and Yolanda carry their bell. The other teams converge on Laundry. Lake mistakes some actual people's laundry for the Detour. Hehehe. There's even a person on the balcony, probably thinking "Why are these people trying to root through my underwear?" I know I often find myself thinking that. Michelle sets him straight. So now three teams are frantically searching the laundry lines. Dave begins to get frustrated.
Commercials. The DaVinci Code. Yeah, no thanks.
More frantic laundry searching. Ray and Yolanda basically copy MoJo's journey, with Ray taking the bell up the stairs. Yolanda's all heated up watching him carry it around, though she does remind him not to drop it on the priest's feet. Heh. They take off for the amphitheater. They've made up a nice chunk of time, there. Lori finds a piece of marked clothing. Yay! Ray and Yolanda ask someone for directions, but get a bit panicky when they see Dave and Lori tearing out of there. Lori points out to Dave that they just need to follow the signs to Segesta. Then she prays that someone gets lost. God looks down and says "Well, you seem like a nice girl. Sure." Ray and Yolanda get lost. That seems to happen to them a lot. Not so in with the navigation, those two.
The Tools have arrived at Segesta. Tyler continues to piece together his statue. He finishes, and puzzles over the two extra pieces. No pun intended. He asks the "archaeologist" to look it over, and is given the go-ahead. Their final clue tells them to make their way one mile on foot to the Tempio Di Segesta, an ancient Greek temple, serving as this week's pit stop. The Tools spot the Hippies leaving and beat themselves up some more about not being in first place. I mean it, just five minutes of them not being total douchebags is all I ask. The greeter this week is a very pretty young lady, which causes my stomach to seize in terror. She's pretty, and the Tools are on their way. It's like seeing a car accident about to happen, but it being too late to warn anyone. You just have to stand there and watch it. The Hippies step up, and are told they're team number one. They win some weird computer/photo imaging prize. I'll just take a trip to Maui, thanks. The Tools reach the Roadblock, and choose not to Yield anyone. Eric takes the Roadblock. Jeremy offers to disrobe to show Eric what his template should be. FIVE MINUTES. MoJo arrives in Segesta. Eric finishes his statue. They leave. MoJo doesn't Yield anyone, and Monica takes the Roadblock. The Tools arrive at the pitstop as team number two, and aren't happy about it. Phil actually admonishes them for not being happy with second. I love you for it, Phil, but it's a losing battle.
Back at Laundry, Michelle finds a piece of marked clothing. Lake says he saw Segesta on their map, so they get going. Dave and Lori drive. Lake and Michelle discuss the Yield. Dani finally finds a piece of marked clothing. They vow to not give up. Well, good. People who give up annoy the piss out of me, not that I'll be mentioning any names, Lance, Marshall, Hayden, and Aaron. Ray and Yolanda? Still lost. They finally catch on, and get back on track. Frankenberry arrives in Segesta, and spots a massive sign pointing the way to the amphitheater. Monica works on her statue, and is getting flustered. Joseph yells at her to not get frustrated. Much as I'd find someone yelling at me to not get frustrated...frustrating - he's right. She'll do better once she calms down. In fact, Joseph seems to be very good at pulling Monica back from the brink of tantrums that could well damage their placement in the race. That's a helpful talent. Frankenberry chooses not to Yield anyone. Fran takes the Roadblock. Monica is finished, but is worried over the two extra pieces. She asks the "archaeologist" anyway, and they get their clue. She calls herself an idiot, which she's not. Well, not in this instance. Those two extra pieces are bitchy. Fran finishes soon after.
Dave and Lori must have taken the long way to Segesta, because Lake and Michelle have caught up with them. This does not make Dave and Lori happy, and they take off running for the amphitheater. They can't keep up the pace, and it looks like Lake and Michelle might well overtake them. Which they may have, if they didn't miss the big honking sign pointing to the amphitheater and head the wrong way, much as they did in Brotas. MoJo checks in as team number three. Lake and Michelle think they've found the amphitheater, but what they've actually found is Phil at the pit stop. Whoopsie! They turn around, and meet Frankenberry coming in. Lake asks where the amphitheater is, and Barry throws a fairly snotty "Can't tell ya!" at him. I get the feeling Frankenberry really hates Lake. A lot. Frankenberry is team number four.
Ray and Yolanda are lost again. Sigh. Dani tells Danielle that they don't really have to worry about the Yield, since she's sure someone's been Yielded already. Fate examines her fingernails and says "This is almost too easy". Double D arrives in Segesta. Lake and Michelle have figured out where they need to go, and spots Double D heading for the Yield. They kick it into high gear. Dave and Lori are still trudging up the hill to the amphitheater, Dave now bathed in sweat. Mmm. They're not as happy about it as I am. They reach the Yield, and choose not to use it. Lori takes the Roadblock. Lake and Michelle reach the Yield. "I'm so sorry girls," Michelle says as she chooses Double D to be Yielded. Kablam! I don't like the Yield, but since it's there, it has to be used wisely, and this was. Lake and Michelle know there are two teams behind them, but the only one they can positively identify is Double D. They don't know who's lagging. They're worried about being passed and eliminated, and did what they had to do to stay in the game. Michelle reiterates for the camera that she really didn't want to do that. Aw. What is this soft spot I've grown for Lake and Michelle? They're such blowhards a lot of the time, but I found myself actively rooting for them not to be eliminated in this episode. Double D reaches the Yield and the bad news that they've got to stop. Not that I expect them to be happy about it, but they choose to take the Yield as a personal affront rather than a game tactic. Immature. Danielle snots that it's not like Double D is a threat to Lake and Michelle. Um, you totally are at this point. Lake and Michelle read the Roadblock, and Michelle makes Lake take it. Hasn't he done every single one so far? Even the ridiculously easy ones like jumping into a pool and looking for a gnome? They are so going to be doomed by the Roadblock split rule (assuming it's in effect).
Double D is still snotting about how they're going to pay back Lake and Michelle for Yielding them. Uh, huh. Lori and Lake work on their statues. Lori finishes, but is thrown by the extra pieces. Ray and Yolanda finally arrive. Double D, now not content to just throw vitriol at Lake and Michelle, decide to blame the entire South for their Yield. Shut up, bitches. Like you have any business even getting this far, anyway. Lori is still trying to figure out where the hell her extra pieces go. Lake has no such issues, and finishes his statue. He and Michelle are off. The Yield timer runs out. Lori frets that she's usually good at puzzles, and doesn't understand why she sucks so hard at the Roadblock. Dani begins her statue. Lori begins to freak out in earnest over her statue. This is exactly what would happen to me. I'm a methodical thinker. The possibility that the show would throw in extra pieces for the sole purpose of tripping me up would never occur to me. Lori seems to be similarly analytical. You just assume that if you're given puzzle pieces, you use them all. She begins to cry. Fuck.
Commercials. No, everybody does not love Raymond. I, for one, wish he'd go away.
Dave tries to help from the sidelines, but he only succeeds in making Lori even more upset. Dani works on her statue in no apparent hurry. Sure, what's the rush? Lori finally gives up and asks the "archaeologist" if the statue is correct without the extra pieces. It is, and they're done. Thank goodness. Lake and Michelle run for the temple. Lake calls Dave fat. Michelle tells him not to be ugly. Lake defends himself by saying that Dave is bigger than him. Oh, well that makes it OK, then. They pass Ray and Yolanda and yell that they can still make it. See that disparity? Pissing me off by making fun of Dave, followed by shouting encouragement to Ray and Yolanda, which is sweet. Lake and Michelle hit the pit stop as team number five. Lake sinks to his knees, and Phil says "Rise, my friend". Hehehe. Phil's punchy tonight. Ray and Yolanda are obviously unaffected by the Yield, so they proceed directly to the Roadblock. Ray takes it. Dani has finished her statue, but it's incorrect. On first viewing, I thought it was because she had tried to wedge the extra pieces in there, but no. She's just built a section of the leg backwards. Dave and Lori check in as team six. Whew. They're totally exhausted. Dave even tears up a bit, saying that he doesn't want them to be at each other's throats, which they were a bit. Lori understands that it's because they've had a terrible day, and it's not some deep problem with the relationship or anything. She gives him a kiss. I love them.
Ray is building his statue with quick efficiency. He taunts Double D a bit. "Come on, Dan. Cause I'm comin'. I'm comin' like Christmas." Hahahaha! Both of them ask the "archaeologist" if they're done. Ray is. Dani has built the exact same section incorrectly as before. Ray and Yolanda take off running. Dani figures out what's wrong soon after, and is told she's finished. So it's a footrace to the mat. If this were two other teams, it probably would have been more suspenseful, but Ray and Yolanda are no slouches in the running department. They hit the mat as team seven. That puts Double D into last, and they're out. God, finally. They're happy they made it so far. Well, yeah. One could argue that they only lost because of the Yield, which may be partially true. I believe that they really lost because they chose to build a motorcycle they knew nothing about in Episode 1. And picked the girl who's afraid of heights to do the rappel in Episode 2. And left their clue pack and passports behind in Episode 3. And steadfastly followed a clearly lost team in Episode 4. And couldn't drive a car, find a laundry tag, or build a statue in Episode 5. Phil doesn't want to hear about what they've accomplished as a team, only about how they're such sluts. Shut up, Phil. I certainly won't miss them, but that was just uncalled for.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Hectic marketplace. Looks like I spoke too soon about Joseph's ability to keep a tight rein on Monica's tantrums.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams raced from Moscow, Russia to Stuttgart, Germany. A bunch of people bashed each other in the head with bottles. But nicely. Fran and Barry didn't suck wind for a change. Wanda and Desire tried to work with Double D, but all they accomplished was having to directly compete with each other to avoid elimination. Double D emerged victorious, mostly because Dani found one of those gnomes faster. That's really fucking sad when you stop to think about it. So, we bid adieu to the mom and her Natalie Portmanesque daughter. That's OK, I hear V for Vendetta is doing really well. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Lake and Michelle remind me that I really need to make a dental appointment soon.
Munich, Germany. It's purty. Phil says it's known for banking and beer. Hooray for money and alcohol! Phil wonders if Lake and Michelle can stay at the front of the pack (which means they'll fall behind) and if Dave and Lori can keep on keeping on with their solid relationship (which means they'll fight). See why I wish they'd cut these ponderous Phil questions at the beginning? The Tools will leave the mat first at 2:15 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to the island of Sicily; specifically to Palermo, Italy. Or as Jeremy says it, PAH-lur-mo. Is that anywhere near San Paolo? Once in (picture it...) Sicily, teams must make their way to the Teatro Massimo, a local opera house. The Tools tool off for the airport. The Hippies leave next at 3:04 AM. That's quite a substantial lead the Tools built up last week. They're going to win this whole freaking race, aren't they? Sigh. Anyway, the Hippies interview that they use humor as a way of ensuring good karma. Or something. Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 3:09. Lake mangles "Palermo", too. They meet up with the Hippies to find their way to the airport, and Lake interviews something about how he's still the leader of the team. What'ere.
The Tools arrive at the airport, and approach the information counter. The agent there tells them that the first flight is with Alitalia, connecting through Rome. I don't hear the arrival time, because Eric is being a tool. You think reading that over and over is tiresome and repetitive? Try watching it. They camp out at the Alitalia counter, which is not open yet. The Hippies and Lake/Michelle arrive. They briefly greet the Tools, who are playing around in wheelchairs, then Lake and Michelle head for an available internet connection downstairs. The Hippies, however, decide to do a wheelchair obstacle course mini-race against the Tools. Eric and BJ race. Eric wins. I'm telling you, it's a metaphor for the entire race! I don't want it to be so, I'm just sensing it! The Hippies decide to go see what Lake and Michelle have found out. Not much, as it seems that the webpage Michelle has logged onto is in German. Imagine that. The Hippies, on another computer, manage to access a page in English, and purchase tickets which get them into Palermo at 10:15 AM. Lake and Michelle can't figure out how to do the same, and give up on the internet.
Frankenberry leaves the mat at 5:03 AM. They say they're learning from their mistakes. Well, they've certainly made plenty to learn from. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music depart the mat at 5:28 AM. They're still in love. Although they are pretty much my favorite team, could we hear about something else for a change? They're in love! We get it! MoJo leaves the mat at 5:52 AM. More murder of the word "Palermo". I mean, I get that foreign words get mispronounced, but it's Palermo! Part of me wishes these people would get sent to Vladivostok. They'd probably wind up in Ohio. Monica says that people mistakenly view her as a dumb blonde, just as she mispronounces Palermo again. Oh, that was just mean, show. Still. Hehehe.
Back at the airport, Lake and Michelle have gotten behind the Tools at the Alitalia counter. The Hippies tell them about the flight they're on, then head for their gate. The counter opens. Hey, guess what? The Hippies got the last seats on that early flight. Damn, are they lucky. Lake and Michelle bemoan the fact that they should have gotten those tickets, but are surprisingly not that worked up about it. I suppose it is rather early in the day. I know I can't whip myself up into an angry frenzy until I've had my coffee. They decide to head for Lufthansa to see about other tickets. The Tools try another tactic, asking for standby tickets on the Hippies' flight. I roll my eyes, because of course they'll get it. They're the Tools. Lake and Michelle purchase tickets that get them into Palermo at 2:00 PM. Eek. I have a hard time believing nothing lands in Palermo between 10:15 AM and 2:00 PM. It looks like they just panicked and bought the first available tickets they discovered. Frankenberry arrives, and heads straight for Lufthansa. They hear about the same flight Lake and Michelle just got onto. However, Barry has the presence of mind to ask about better connecting flights. There is one through Alitalia that gets into Palermo at 1:25 PM. See? Fran waves her arms around like a goof. They buy the tickets. Lake approaches to ask what they got, and Frankenberry rudely snots that Lake needs to step away from them. I guess they think he's trying to piggyback on their information? No, Lake clearly tells them he and Michelle already have their tickets, but Fran's already worked herself up, so she keeps telling him to step away. Jeez, Fran. What'd you have for breakfast? Carnation Instant Bitch?
OF COURSE the Tools make it onto the early flight along with the Hippies. They're off to Rome. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music get the same tickets Frankenberry got. Ray and Yolanda are just now leaving the mat at 6:48 AM. That's quite a time gap. Ray says he's getting to know Yolanda a lot better on the race, including the fact that she has her own mind. Yolanda grins at the camera like "Did he really just say something that dumb?". She's a cutie. MoJo's at the airport. It actually takes them a few tries to buy tickets, because they both have no idea how to pronounce "Palermo". I cannot tell you how already sick of typing "Palermo" I am. The word has lost all meaning. They get the same tickets as Dave/Lori/Frankenberry. Double D leaves the mat at 7:28 AM. Wow, they suck. They say they're going to take their time, and that slow and steady wins the race. Because they've been doing so well.
Dave/Lori/Frankenberry/MoJo/Lake/Michelle all board their plane. Lake complains about being tied with everyone else, apparently not knowing that he's not so much "tied", since everyone else will have a good half hour jump on him the second they step off the plane.
Ray and Yolanda (and Double D right behind them) buy tickets that get them into Palermo at the same time as Lake and Michelle. How did Double D catch up to Ray and Yolanda at the ticket counter? They were like 45 minutes behind! Weird editing. Meanwhile, the Tools and Hippies discover that they have different connecting flights, which will put the Hippies ahead. The Tools will still lead everyone else. And through the magic of television, we're there! I wish all my flights were that short. Palermo, Italy. The Hippies arrive, and find a taxi. The middle group lands in Rome. This is where Lake and Michelle discover the mistake they made. Whoopsie! They try to get tickets on the earlier flight, but it's full. Lake is upset, but more at the people who have the nerve to be outracing him than at himself. Well, sure.
Commercials. I'm sorry, I just have no interest in "texting" someone. Nor in using "text" as a verb.
Michelle tells Lake not to worry too much, since someone else is bound to screw up something.
Blood Ray: "She may have to fly there naked!"
Limecrete: "That never gets old."
Normally, I'd tell Michelle that she can't really count on other teams being dumbasses, but then I remembered that Double D is still in the mix, so it's probably not a bad guess. Speaking of whom, here they are, along with Ray and Yolanda, catching up. The Hippies find the opera theater, and the clue box in front of it. It tells them to pick a marked car and drive themselves to the town of Castellammare Del Golfo, 42 miles away. The next clue box will be on the seaside terrace of the fortress there. OK, so, hope you enjoyed the opera theater, of which we saw nary a stone. Sorry, I've been reading Jane Austen, and I'm starting to pick up her inflection. The Tools land. I'm still not going to revisit their "Woo! Women!" speeches. I just wish they'd shut the fuck up for five minutes. The next grouping lands in Palermo. I have no idea how far behind the Tools they are. The last grouping lands. Everyone's headed for the opera theater. Tools. Clue. Jeremy takes the time to fix his hair, because he is a twelve-year-old girl.
The Hippies easily find the next clue box. We barely see the fortress. I mean, I know we're supposed to be focused on the teams and the race and everything, but if you're going to show this little of the scenery, you may as well have the race take place entirely within a Sam's Club. Anyway. Detour! Foundry or Laundry. In Foundry, teams walk to a nearby metalworks and pick up a 110-pound bell. Then they load it onto a little golf cart lookin' vehicle and drive it to a staircase. Once they carry the bell up the stairs, they deposit it at the nearby church, where the priest will hand them their next clue. In Laundry, teams find an intersection where a bunch of laundry lines have been hung up. Once there, teams have to search through 2400 pieces of laundry to find one of 16 with a red and yellow tag sewn in. Once they find it, they trade the clothing for a clue from the local washerwoman. The Hippies go for Laundry. They find the clothes and begin searching.
MoJo is first of the middle group to find the clue box at the theater. Then Frankenberry. Then Dave and Lori. Dave tries to take a clue, even though Lori's already got one, and she has to get a bit hysterical at him for a second before he realizes what he's done. I seem to remember Freddy and Kendra got a penalty that almost put them out of the race for a similar goof, so Lori's got good reason to go a little nuts. Once on the road, Monica snips at Joseph about directions. Fran snips at Barry about his driving. Lori snips at Dave about getting on the highway. Moral of the story? All women are horrible nags. Ah, the things this show teaches me. Back at the laundry lines, BJ finds one of the marked clothes. They trade it for their clue, which tells them to drive 13 miles to the town of Segesta. Once there, they find the Teatro Di Segesta. This is no opera house. It's the ruins of an ancient amphitheater, and is extremely beautiful. Yes, they actually let you see it! Two more things of note. One, there's a Yield ahead. We'll get to that in a bit, race newbies. Two, the Hippies are wearing shirts that read "Bowling" and "Moms". Hehehehe. Awesome. I loved those two.
The Tools talk about their horrible mistake that has put them in such a shameful position. That'd be second place for those of you following along. Ray/Yolanda/Double D hit the opera house cluebox at the same time. Ray and Yolanda get a good jump, because Double D is having trouble with their stick shift. Sigh. I don't have to throw that tantrum again, do I? Lake and Michelle, now in last place, get their opera house clue. Of course, they're not in last for long, because Double D is still lurching along in their car. The Tools get their fortress (aka Detour) clue. Despite being such "manly men", they opt for Laundry. They begin searching. They're both looking into the same pieces of clothing. Because it takes two people to spot a tag. Dinks. MoJo gets the fortress clue and picks Foundry. Jeremy finds a marked piece of clothing. They're off to Segesta, and actually fail to hit on the washerwoman. So the only thing you gals need to do to avoid being slimed on by these two is be seventy years old. You can handle that, right?
The Hippies have reached the amphitheater and the Yield. OK, the Yield. I should preface this by saying I pretty much hate the Yield, because I believe teams should rise and fall on their own merits. If you race well, you place high. If you make mistakes, you place low, and are eliminated. The Yield throws an element of interference into the game which I do not care for. What the Yield does is allow a team to pick another team behind them to stop racing for a predetermined amount of time. The Yielded team is forced to turn over an hourglass, and must wait until the sand runs out (though I don't think it's an actual hour) before continuing on. Teams may only use a Yield once, and there are only two on the race. There are numbers posted on the Yield, so you know what place you're in when you reach it, though I don't believe you know for sure which teams are behind you, so you may very well waste it if you happen to pick a team that's beating you. The Hippies choose not to Yield anyone. Yeah, they're in a good enough position that it'd be a waste, and would only make someone unnecessarily angry at them. They pick up their clue. Roadblock! The hint is "Who's good at piecing things together?". Phil lets us in on the fact that the Roadblock involves putting together a statue out of pieces provided. He also tells us that the teams don't know that there are two extra pieces that don't belong. Well, that's evil. Not deliciously evil, either.
Tyler is drafted for the Hippies. MoJo starts transporting their bell. Joseph is walking too fast for Monica to keep up her end of the bell, so she yells at him. The yelling I can get behind, because that would be extremely frustrating. The dropping the bell to stand there and berate him? Not so much. He snaps at her to pick up the bell and get moving. Yeah, I'm with him on that one. You can yell at him at the pitstop, Monica. Time's kind of a factor, here. Frankenberry seems to be a bit lost, but finds MoJo just as Joseph hoists the bell into the little cart thingy. Once at the staircase, Joseph picks up the bell by himself, waving off (well, not literally - since, you know...the BELL) Monica's attempts to help him. He's not slouching, either. He's actually running up a staircase with a 110-pound bell on his back. That was kind of hot. In shades of the first episode, Frankenberry walks right by the clue box again. Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm confused as to why I don't dislike them more. They're not particularly competent. They're not particularly nice. They're not particularly cute. Shouldn't I hate them? And yet I don't. Weird. Monica leads Joseph to the priest, so they're off to the amphitheater.
Frankenberry finds the clue box. Good, I don't think I could sit through another volley of them wandering around aimlessly. They finally pick the correct Detour for them, and head for Laundry. Barry jokes about how the young 'uns don't even know what a clothespin is. I say the same thing about top-loading VCRs. Dave and Lori, in fifth place, also pick Laundry. Barry finds a piece of marked clothing. They pass Dave and Lori on their way out. Ray and Yolanda find the Detour. They're gym rats, so they go for Foundry. Lake and Michelle, fairly jolly for being in seventh place, find the clue box and choose Laundry. Double D is not far behind. They also choose Laundry. They try to convince themselves they're not doing too badly, given their inexperience with traveling. I'm thinking that's not really the issue, ladies. Ray and Yolanda carry their bell. The other teams converge on Laundry. Lake mistakes some actual people's laundry for the Detour. Hehehe. There's even a person on the balcony, probably thinking "Why are these people trying to root through my underwear?" I know I often find myself thinking that. Michelle sets him straight. So now three teams are frantically searching the laundry lines. Dave begins to get frustrated.
Commercials. The DaVinci Code. Yeah, no thanks.
More frantic laundry searching. Ray and Yolanda basically copy MoJo's journey, with Ray taking the bell up the stairs. Yolanda's all heated up watching him carry it around, though she does remind him not to drop it on the priest's feet. Heh. They take off for the amphitheater. They've made up a nice chunk of time, there. Lori finds a piece of marked clothing. Yay! Ray and Yolanda ask someone for directions, but get a bit panicky when they see Dave and Lori tearing out of there. Lori points out to Dave that they just need to follow the signs to Segesta. Then she prays that someone gets lost. God looks down and says "Well, you seem like a nice girl. Sure." Ray and Yolanda get lost. That seems to happen to them a lot. Not so in with the navigation, those two.
The Tools have arrived at Segesta. Tyler continues to piece together his statue. He finishes, and puzzles over the two extra pieces. No pun intended. He asks the "archaeologist" to look it over, and is given the go-ahead. Their final clue tells them to make their way one mile on foot to the Tempio Di Segesta, an ancient Greek temple, serving as this week's pit stop. The Tools spot the Hippies leaving and beat themselves up some more about not being in first place. I mean it, just five minutes of them not being total douchebags is all I ask. The greeter this week is a very pretty young lady, which causes my stomach to seize in terror. She's pretty, and the Tools are on their way. It's like seeing a car accident about to happen, but it being too late to warn anyone. You just have to stand there and watch it. The Hippies step up, and are told they're team number one. They win some weird computer/photo imaging prize. I'll just take a trip to Maui, thanks. The Tools reach the Roadblock, and choose not to Yield anyone. Eric takes the Roadblock. Jeremy offers to disrobe to show Eric what his template should be. FIVE MINUTES. MoJo arrives in Segesta. Eric finishes his statue. They leave. MoJo doesn't Yield anyone, and Monica takes the Roadblock. The Tools arrive at the pitstop as team number two, and aren't happy about it. Phil actually admonishes them for not being happy with second. I love you for it, Phil, but it's a losing battle.
Back at Laundry, Michelle finds a piece of marked clothing. Lake says he saw Segesta on their map, so they get going. Dave and Lori drive. Lake and Michelle discuss the Yield. Dani finally finds a piece of marked clothing. They vow to not give up. Well, good. People who give up annoy the piss out of me, not that I'll be mentioning any names, Lance, Marshall, Hayden, and Aaron. Ray and Yolanda? Still lost. They finally catch on, and get back on track. Frankenberry arrives in Segesta, and spots a massive sign pointing the way to the amphitheater. Monica works on her statue, and is getting flustered. Joseph yells at her to not get frustrated. Much as I'd find someone yelling at me to not get frustrated...frustrating - he's right. She'll do better once she calms down. In fact, Joseph seems to be very good at pulling Monica back from the brink of tantrums that could well damage their placement in the race. That's a helpful talent. Frankenberry chooses not to Yield anyone. Fran takes the Roadblock. Monica is finished, but is worried over the two extra pieces. She asks the "archaeologist" anyway, and they get their clue. She calls herself an idiot, which she's not. Well, not in this instance. Those two extra pieces are bitchy. Fran finishes soon after.
Dave and Lori must have taken the long way to Segesta, because Lake and Michelle have caught up with them. This does not make Dave and Lori happy, and they take off running for the amphitheater. They can't keep up the pace, and it looks like Lake and Michelle might well overtake them. Which they may have, if they didn't miss the big honking sign pointing to the amphitheater and head the wrong way, much as they did in Brotas. MoJo checks in as team number three. Lake and Michelle think they've found the amphitheater, but what they've actually found is Phil at the pit stop. Whoopsie! They turn around, and meet Frankenberry coming in. Lake asks where the amphitheater is, and Barry throws a fairly snotty "Can't tell ya!" at him. I get the feeling Frankenberry really hates Lake. A lot. Frankenberry is team number four.
Ray and Yolanda are lost again. Sigh. Dani tells Danielle that they don't really have to worry about the Yield, since she's sure someone's been Yielded already. Fate examines her fingernails and says "This is almost too easy". Double D arrives in Segesta. Lake and Michelle have figured out where they need to go, and spots Double D heading for the Yield. They kick it into high gear. Dave and Lori are still trudging up the hill to the amphitheater, Dave now bathed in sweat. Mmm. They're not as happy about it as I am. They reach the Yield, and choose not to use it. Lori takes the Roadblock. Lake and Michelle reach the Yield. "I'm so sorry girls," Michelle says as she chooses Double D to be Yielded. Kablam! I don't like the Yield, but since it's there, it has to be used wisely, and this was. Lake and Michelle know there are two teams behind them, but the only one they can positively identify is Double D. They don't know who's lagging. They're worried about being passed and eliminated, and did what they had to do to stay in the game. Michelle reiterates for the camera that she really didn't want to do that. Aw. What is this soft spot I've grown for Lake and Michelle? They're such blowhards a lot of the time, but I found myself actively rooting for them not to be eliminated in this episode. Double D reaches the Yield and the bad news that they've got to stop. Not that I expect them to be happy about it, but they choose to take the Yield as a personal affront rather than a game tactic. Immature. Danielle snots that it's not like Double D is a threat to Lake and Michelle. Um, you totally are at this point. Lake and Michelle read the Roadblock, and Michelle makes Lake take it. Hasn't he done every single one so far? Even the ridiculously easy ones like jumping into a pool and looking for a gnome? They are so going to be doomed by the Roadblock split rule (assuming it's in effect).
Double D is still snotting about how they're going to pay back Lake and Michelle for Yielding them. Uh, huh. Lori and Lake work on their statues. Lori finishes, but is thrown by the extra pieces. Ray and Yolanda finally arrive. Double D, now not content to just throw vitriol at Lake and Michelle, decide to blame the entire South for their Yield. Shut up, bitches. Like you have any business even getting this far, anyway. Lori is still trying to figure out where the hell her extra pieces go. Lake has no such issues, and finishes his statue. He and Michelle are off. The Yield timer runs out. Lori frets that she's usually good at puzzles, and doesn't understand why she sucks so hard at the Roadblock. Dani begins her statue. Lori begins to freak out in earnest over her statue. This is exactly what would happen to me. I'm a methodical thinker. The possibility that the show would throw in extra pieces for the sole purpose of tripping me up would never occur to me. Lori seems to be similarly analytical. You just assume that if you're given puzzle pieces, you use them all. She begins to cry. Fuck.
Commercials. No, everybody does not love Raymond. I, for one, wish he'd go away.
Dave tries to help from the sidelines, but he only succeeds in making Lori even more upset. Dani works on her statue in no apparent hurry. Sure, what's the rush? Lori finally gives up and asks the "archaeologist" if the statue is correct without the extra pieces. It is, and they're done. Thank goodness. Lake and Michelle run for the temple. Lake calls Dave fat. Michelle tells him not to be ugly. Lake defends himself by saying that Dave is bigger than him. Oh, well that makes it OK, then. They pass Ray and Yolanda and yell that they can still make it. See that disparity? Pissing me off by making fun of Dave, followed by shouting encouragement to Ray and Yolanda, which is sweet. Lake and Michelle hit the pit stop as team number five. Lake sinks to his knees, and Phil says "Rise, my friend". Hehehe. Phil's punchy tonight. Ray and Yolanda are obviously unaffected by the Yield, so they proceed directly to the Roadblock. Ray takes it. Dani has finished her statue, but it's incorrect. On first viewing, I thought it was because she had tried to wedge the extra pieces in there, but no. She's just built a section of the leg backwards. Dave and Lori check in as team six. Whew. They're totally exhausted. Dave even tears up a bit, saying that he doesn't want them to be at each other's throats, which they were a bit. Lori understands that it's because they've had a terrible day, and it's not some deep problem with the relationship or anything. She gives him a kiss. I love them.
Ray is building his statue with quick efficiency. He taunts Double D a bit. "Come on, Dan. Cause I'm comin'. I'm comin' like Christmas." Hahahaha! Both of them ask the "archaeologist" if they're done. Ray is. Dani has built the exact same section incorrectly as before. Ray and Yolanda take off running. Dani figures out what's wrong soon after, and is told she's finished. So it's a footrace to the mat. If this were two other teams, it probably would have been more suspenseful, but Ray and Yolanda are no slouches in the running department. They hit the mat as team seven. That puts Double D into last, and they're out. God, finally. They're happy they made it so far. Well, yeah. One could argue that they only lost because of the Yield, which may be partially true. I believe that they really lost because they chose to build a motorcycle they knew nothing about in Episode 1. And picked the girl who's afraid of heights to do the rappel in Episode 2. And left their clue pack and passports behind in Episode 3. And steadfastly followed a clearly lost team in Episode 4. And couldn't drive a car, find a laundry tag, or build a statue in Episode 5. Phil doesn't want to hear about what they've accomplished as a team, only about how they're such sluts. Shut up, Phil. I certainly won't miss them, but that was just uncalled for.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Hectic marketplace. Looks like I spoke too soon about Joseph's ability to keep a tight rein on Monica's tantrums.
Overall Grade: B-
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