Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 1
With the end of Project Runway, Bravo was anxious to keep their viewers around, and probably knew that documenting the lives of boobalicious old women wasn't going to do it. So, they whipped up another reality show, this time to search for a great chef. Being Jewish means that food occupies 50% of my mind at all times, so I was immediately intrigued. Let's hope the producers can meet the high standards that Project Runway has set for them.
"WHAT. DOES. IT. TAKE. TO. BE. A. GREAT. CHEF," a robotic voice intones. Hey, they've got some fancy animatronic devices involved with this show. Oh, my fault. It's Katie Lee Joel, child bride of Billy Joel. She's got the emotion and expressiveness of a loofah sponge. She and the other judges explain the premise of the competition. If you've ever seen another reality show, you don't need much of an explanation. Basically, there are twelve chefs who will take part in various challenges, and one will be eliminated each week until there is a winner. With a nod and wink, we're told how emotional it can get when you're working with fire, knives, and people, but I make no allowances for assholery in the kitchen. They act like being a jerk chef is excusable, because there's so much darn pressure when you're working with other people. Hey, you know what other profession involves working with other people? ALL OF THEM. We're introduced to the judges. Aside from the android Katie Lee (and between this woman and Kathie Lee Gifford, that type of name is pretty much ruined for eternity, isn't it?), the judges will be Tom Collichio and Gail Simmons. Tom is apparently the Tim Gunn of this show, acting as mentor as well as judge. He rattles off his credentials. He's no Tim Gunn, but seems intelligent enough. Gail is a food critic for Food & Wine magazine. And the prize? An article in Food & Wine, a showcase at some food event in Aspen, a bunch of nice kitchen equipment, and $100,000. Not a bad package.
The opening credits are boring, but at least allow me to match up faces with names. Opening shots of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. I've been there! Such a beautiful city. Then we jump right into the introductions.
Harold Dieterle is a 28-year-old restaurant chef from New York. He's sort of cute, but describes getting into cooking so he could meet girls, which is pretty obnoxious.
Andrea Beaman is a 37-year-old natural nutritionist who teaches cooking classes. She's all about educating people on the use of healthy food. That's a noble calling, as long as she doesn't get all pushy about it like those people who yell "Do you know how much salt is in that!?!" when you ask them to pass the soy sauce.
Miguel Morales is a 27-year-old hotel chef. He breaks the reality show contestant mold by being ugly. That sounds like a mean thing to say, but I actually intend it as a compliment in this case. It makes him more down-to-earth, which makes the show more palatable (no pun intended), because as you'll see in a moment, "attractive" people can be way more annoying.
Candice Kumai is a 23-year-old culinary student. The first words out of her mouth? "Yes, I do modeling work," as if that's the first question anyone ever asks her. I instantly hate her guts. Here's a question for all you attractive people out there. Ready? Are you hot? If you answered "yes", you have automatically invalidated your hotness. Very simple. Arrogance cancels physical attraction. A splash of humility is what makes someone really hot. Plus, as with 99% of the people who go on TV and talk about how attractive they are, she's really not that cute.
Brian Hill is a 37-year-old personal chef and caterer. He lists some of the celebrities he's cooked for, including Eddie Murphy, Mary J. Blige, and Mariah Carey. Apparently, there's a clause in his contract that states he'll only work for black people.
Ken Lee is a 34-year-old restaurant chef, originally from Dublin, Ireland. He's good-looking, and heaven knows I'm a big sucker for English/Irish/Scottish/Welsh accents, so he's got everything going for him in my book so far. He'd have to be a major jerkoff for me to turn on him. But I'm sure that'll never happen. He says that learning to cook in Ireland is very militaristic. I'll take his word for it.
Lee Anne Wong is a 28-year-old chef for an event planning (read: catering for wedding receptions and such) institute. She's confident.
Stephen Asprinio is a 24-year-old sommelier in charge of the wine program at a restaurant. He claims to be a leader who sets an example that others should follow. I have the feeling if we all followed his example, personality-wise, nobody would ever get laid, and the human race would die out.
Lisa Parks is a 45-year-old cooking teacher, who is self-taught. The self-taught people always turn out to be likable, but way out of their league (see: Marla), so let's enjoy Lisa while we can.
Cynthia Sestito is a 52-year-old personal chef/caterer. She's one of those delightful Women Of A Certain Age who smokes and curses a lot, and are tremendous fun to hang out with. Her application tape shows her swigging from a bottle of liquor, and using another one to tenderize some meat. Hah!
Dave Martin is a 40-year-old restaurant chef. He's really prissy, which is the type of gay man I enjoy least. He says he used to be in the technology sector before becoming a chef. One moment he talks about how the technology field crashed, the next moment he's talking about how successful he used to be. Presumably that was before the crash.
Tiffani Faison is a 28-year-old restaurant chef. She immediately gets off on the wrong foot by saying "I don't want to be a cliche, but I'm not here to make friends." God damn it. Demonstrating that you know it's a cliche doesn't excuse you for using it. Santino said that. Jade said that. Someone always says it, and no matter how true it is, STOP! SAYING! IT! It is fast replacing "think outside the box" as the most annoying phrase of all time.
Perhaps two or three of these folks strike me as "real people". All of the rest are basically "personalities" or "archetypes", which may lead to some problems. You can't root for a "personality" - they have to be relateable. We'll see how it goes. We're taken directly into the first challenge. The chefs pull up to a restaurant called Fleur de Lys, which is apparently a well-recognized place in the culinary world. Katie Lee introduces herself, Tom, and the chef/owner of Fleur de Lys, Hubert Keller. EACH. WEEK. THERE. WILL. BE. TWO. CHALLENGES. Hang on, I'm going to plug in my Katie Lee to Human translator. There we go. It's all set up. Anyway, each week, there will be two challenges. First is the Quickfire, which is generally a short, simple test. The second is the Elimination Challenge. If you win the Quickfire, you have immunity in the Elimination.
Tonight's Quickfire is to competently hold down the restaurant line for half an hour. Cynthia describes for us what that entails. It's tough. You have to keep an eye on everything that's going on, plate dishes, clean dishes, do garnishes, follow the chef's orders, etc. Basically, you're doing everything except cooking the food and taking the finished product out to patrons. If Chef Keller doesn't feel the contestants are doing well for whatever reason, they'll be dismissed from the line, and the next chef will start. They get dressed and get going. Lisa's up first. She has no restaurant experience, and is thus doomed from the start. She gets 23 minutes in before she knocks some food over and is dismissed. Ooh, she almost made it. Miguel (8 years restaurant experience) is dismissed only three minutes in for nerves. Yeah, he's visibly shaking. Cynthia (19 years) doesn't even get to start, being dismissed immediately for wearing sneakers. I don't quite understand that. Who cares what shoes you wear in the kitchen, as long as they're practical? Andrea (no restaurant experience) drops food 16 minutes in, and is dismissed. This is brutal. Tiffani (6 years) is very impressive, and Chef Keller jokingly says he may offer her a job when all this is over. She jokes back that she may hold him to that. She does appear to be extremely competent, and is the first competitor to pass.
Dave (2 years) passes as well. Candice (no restaurant experience) is dismissed 10 minutes in for working too slowly. Brian (5 years) makes it to 19 minutes before he is dismissed, also for working too slowly. Stephen (7 years) makes it 26 minutes before being dismissed for nerves and slow work. Harold (13 years) interviews that seeing so many experienced people not make it made him increasingly nervous. Amazingly so, for as he starts, he's shaking so violently he cannot sauce the plates correctly. He only makes it 7 minutes. He's upset with himself. Lee Anne (8 years) sails through, and the other restaurant workers seem to love her. Ken (20 years) is last. You'll note he has the most experience working in kitchens. One minute in, Chef Keller asks him to test some sauce, and he does so. By sticking his finger into it, and then into his mouth. Wow. I don't want to get all "I don't know how they do things in Ireland, but here in the good ol' U.S.A. we don't do that", but seriously. Ew. Chef Keller is furious, and says that they have to throw out the sauce and start all over. Ken's tossed out. He goes out back to where the other chefs are waiting and tells them what happens, saying he always tests with his finger. Can I get the name of his restaurant so that I can studiously avoid it? Katie Lee, Chef Keller, and Tom come out back. "THE. WINNER. OF. TONIGHT'S. CHALLENGE. CANNOT. BE. ELIMINATED."
Commercials. Rapping and SpongeBob SquarePants. Together at last.
Chef Keller has chosen a winner from among the three chefs that made it through the thirty minutes. Tiffani and Dave both did an impressive job. However, Lee Anne communicated the best with all of the other workers, so she takes the win. She's happy. Another annoying cliche pops to the surface as she says she always "gives 110%". I may have to start keeping a tally of the irritating catchphrases this show perpetrates. Katie Lee introduces the next day's Elimination Challenge, which will be to create a signature dish. "GO. HOME. AND. ENJOY. YOUR. FIRST. NIGHT. IN. THE. HOUSE. FOR. ONE. OF. YOU. IT. WILL. BE. YOUR. LAST." God, she sucks. Chef Keller says he hopes they learned something today, clearly trying to wrap it up. Ken says he didn't learn a thing, because he wasn't in the kitchen long enough. Then, he aggressively asks Chef Keller if he threw the sauce out, like he claimed he was going to. Chef Keller tells him he shouldn't have stuck his finger in the sauce. You'll note he's avoiding the question. Ken asks again, just as rudely, and Chef Keller again dances around the answer. Which means he didn't. Ew. Make that another restaurant to studiously avoid. Way to uphold your reputation, Hubert. Not that that excuses Ken for being an ass, and Tom jumps in to take him to task. "Are you accustomed to talking back to the chef in his own restaurant? To show that much lack of respect?" He's furious, and is kind of my hero. Ken says he speaks his mind - that's the way he is. Tom says that what he's being is rude and obnoxious. Preach it. As they get ready to go, Ken picks some food off a rack. Tiffani spots him and yells at him. He tries to intimidate her. She shuts him down, which is fairly awesome. Ken, Tiffani, and Lee Anne are trapped in a very awkward car ride together back to the house. Hehehe. Lee Anne and Tiffani talk about how much fun the line was, and Ken agrees with them, noting how fun it was to taste the sauces. He's clearly just trying to get their goat, and the best way to respond to that is to not respond, but of course Lee Anne can't resist. She tells him to shut up and how much of a damper he put on her evening. I'm sure he cares.
As with the "do you consider yourself hot" question, there's another problem that's sweeping the nation. People who believe that since they "speak their minds", they're entitled to respect. Speaking your mind isn't an asset, in and of itself. What assholes like Ken fail to recognize is that speaking your mind when appropriate is what earns you respect. Talking back to a judge? Not appropriate. What, does he go up to people at a funeral and say "It's probably best that she's dead, considering what a bitch she was," and then claim that people shouldn't be upset because he's just "speaking his mind"? It's ridiculous. He's ridiculous.
Elimination day. Everyone goes shopping. They have $30 and one hour to get supplies. Wow, that's not a lot of money, especially in San Francisco. Still, the challenge is to make a signature dish, so the chefs have little to no excuse for doing a poor job. Here's their chance to play to their strengths. They shop. Ken wants a part of a chicken that's not on display, so he goes into the back and slices up a chicken himself. He wants you to be very impressed by this. Harold is still kicking himself for fouling up the Quickfire. Cynthia curses a blue streak, having not the faintest idea what she wants to do. Stephen brags to a guy in a flowered shirt about being a wine expert. The guy's like "Whatever, are you going to buy something?". I mean, is he going to get a good wine for under $30? And that's not even considering that it has to cover all his food expenses as well. He talks the guy into letting them taste some wines. Lisa and Miguel join Stephen for the tasting, and Lisa sucks up to him a little bit, which is exactly the right way to handle a raging narcissist.
The chefs file into the main kitchen to get started. Tom and Katie Lee follow them in. "WELCOME. TO. THE. TOP. CHEF. KITCHEN." The chefs will have three hours to get everything ready. Tom tells them that they'll be cooking for each other on this challenge. They seem excited about it. Tiffani interviews that this will be a good chance to see what her competitors' true level of skill is, as opposed to who's just all talk. This is hilariously voiced over a shot of Ken. Candice thinks she'll be underestimated, presumably because she's just so darn purty. Tom tells them they'll be split into two groups: red and blue. They'll be assigned teams by drawing lots (or in this case, knives). The red group will be cooking first. So they have to make enough food for six competitors and four judges to taste - with thirty dollars? I'm not seeing how anyone could get more than a single bite, which doesn't seem quite fair to judge upon.
The three hours start counting down. Candice is making a chicken shitake roulade, and interviews that the "eye eats first", so she wants to make it very presentable. Dave is making braised lamb enchiladas, which sound so good, I can't even tell you. Ken starts sharpening knives and screaming because he is still an attention hog. We all know how to react to attention hogs, right? Nobody on the show does. They're not pleased to be distracted by him. He interviews that since he doesn't own a restaurant, he doesn't have a signature dish. May I suggest he adopt the Shut The Hell Up Platter with a nice tall glass of Go The Fuck Away? He's working on some halibut/fig concoction. Lisa's making mushroom and shrimp risotto. I happen to hate mushrooms, and wonder how the judges can competently judge foods they don't care for. Nobody likes everything. Miguel's doing a duo of beef dish. Andrea's throwing some shrimp together with a bunch of vegetables, and interviews that she's got an advantage, because her food will make people take a dump. Hey, I just pass along what I hear.
With fifteen minutes left, Tom checks in. Dave has a long list of notes he consults. Heh, I'm like that when I cook, too. Tom asks Ken when he's going to actually start cooking the fish. What has he been doing for 2 hours and 45 minutes? Probably just running at the mouth, which he begins to do here. He yammers about how much he likes fish because he surfs and walks on the beach and blah blah blah. Tom looks desperate to escape. With five minutes left, everyone scrambles to make the finishing touches. Time runs out, and everyone covers their plate with lids. They head for the dining room.
Commercials. According to the products and shows advertised during this break, only women cook. Which explains why Tom is on this show. And Hubert. And Harold. And Stephen. And Brian. And Miguel. And Ken. And Dave.
Evening. Katie Lee, Gail, Tom, and Chef Hubert Keller are on one side of the table, the blue group on the other. If it were up to me, I'd have the tastings be blind, so that the people eating couldn't associate the competitor's personality with their food. Still, if I had my way, the outcome may have been very different this evening, so I should probably shut up. Andrea's shrimp/vegetable dish has plum sauce and an odd sesame maple cole slaw. Everything about Dave's enchiladas looks wonderful, from the handmade tortillas to the mashed potatoes that include black beans and sweet corn. Yum. Candice has included some wasabi mashed potatoes with her chicken, and topped the whole thing with soy/ginger cashews. Where can I buy those? Ken's is pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a bunch of tomatoes and figs that he tries to make sound fancy by giving them a foreign accent. Miguel's duo of beef includes filet mignon and short rib. Mmm. There only appear to be four shrimp on Lisa's risotto. See? How is everyone going to taste that? The judges dig in. Stephen gleefully points out to Brian that the kale on Andrea's plate has sand in it. Ew. Still, he's such a snot that I want to stick up for Andrea.
Judging. Nobody liked Andrea's plate, saying that the vegetables were either overcooked or undercooked. Yuck, nothing ruins broccoli more than undercooking it. They ask Tiffani what she liked. She enjoyed Miguel's beef duo and Dave's enchiladas. Stephen rips apart Candice's dish. Brian defends it. Stephen shoots him a dirty look, because how dare someone have a dissenting opinion? They ask for opinions on Ken's halibut. If he weren't a jerk that "speaks his mind", who knows what they may have said? What they do say is that it was flavorless. It looks like bad hotel food. Harold says he may be into fusion or "confusion" as the case may be. Hehehe. Lee Anne says that the attitude and ego that they've been dealing with isn't backed up at all by this food. Oh, snap! Lisa did well, considering her lack of experience. Everyone seems to agree that Andrea's was the worst. "NOW. IT'S. YOUR. TURN. TO. HEAD. INTO. THE. KITCHEN. I. HOPE. THAT. YOU. CAN. REALLY. IMPRESS. US," Katie Lee drones. Ugh. The competitors leave, and the judges deliberate. Gail is unimpressed with most of the entries. They do seem to like Miguel's beef duo.
The blue group cooks get started. Harold's making steamed snapper with some squash. It looks good already, and he hasn't even started. Lee Anne's working on smoked sturgeon and some form of potato salad. I'm pleased to see all these fish dishes. I love me some fish. She interviews that she's still working hard, despite her immunity. Stephen is searing lamb four different ways. It sounds good, but he's still so smarmy, it's hard to appreciate his creativity. Cynthia agrees with me, calling him full-of-himself. Lee Anne says that because he's a sommelier, he's a professional bullshitter. Ha! Awesome. Tiffani interviews that she's very focused when she's cooking. She's making pumpkin lasagna, baked inside a small sugar pumpkin shell. That's a very good idea. I've never heard of pumpkin lasagna, but it sounds tasty. Brian's making a Caribbean jerk chicken. With one hour to go, Cynthia still doesn't know what she's doing, saying she likes to do things "on the fly". She's toast. Harold interviews that watching her work is crazy - that's she just total chaos. It's true. She seems like a really cool lady, but that doesn't disguise her incompetence. There's a hilarious montage of her cursing all over the place. She calls Stephen by Brian's name. He snottily corrects her. If I were her, I'd call him Brian for the remainder of my time there, just to get under his skin. Tom checks in with 15 minutes to go. Cynthia appears to be working on some lamb/rice thing, but is still all over the place. People start plating things. Cynthia's meat is extremely rare. I think I can hear it still baa-ing. I like meat that's fairly bloody, but her meat is so rare, it's on the endangered species list. She's still not done when time runs out.
Commercials. Let us all be brought together in our mutual amusement at bad waitresses.
We're back at the judges' table. I don't know if it's supposed to be the same day or not. Stephen enters first with a threesome of braised Colorado lamb. Tiffani brings in her pumpkin lasagna. It includes orange/sage pasta. Looks good. Harold presents his steamed Thai snapper with squash sauce. Aside from the inclusion of Brussels sprouts and mushrooms, it looks wonderful. Lee Anne's smoked sturgeon is the only cold plate of this challenge. The greens she's topped it with look like they're overwhelming the fish. Cynthia comes out with her lamb and crazy rice, and blathers about a lost pomegranate and how things didn't come out how she intended and such. She needs to learn when not to be self-deprecatory. Brian has char-grilled jerked chicken breast, accented with coconut mashed potatoes (ew) and mango/papaya relish (yum). Everyone starts eating. The blue group paces nervously in the kitchen.
Dave tries to describe Cynthia's dish without being overly bitchy. The judges tell him not to be shy, since the blue group didn't have any trouble ripping on their food. Miguel still manages to be fairly diplomatic, saying that it was OK, but could have used better presentation. Everyone loves Harold's snapper, and Miguel compliments Lee Anne's seasonings. The compliments keep on coming as everyone justly loves Tiffani's creative presentation and Brian's chicken. Lisa says Stephen's lamb was beautiful. Andrea says that Stephen's had too many flavors, so she couldn't really taste anything. The red group doesn't have much trouble pegging Cynthia's as the weakest, though Lisa says that the lamb had some good flavor to it. They're dismissed.
The judges like Harold and Stephen's dishes as far as flavor goes, but Chef Keller says that if you consider flavor, presentation, and creativity, Tiffani is the frontrunner. Miguel's personality shows in his beef duo. Andrea's plate was a giant mess. Katie Lee asks if the other think Ken's dish got criticized on account of him being a giant tool. Tom thinks that the other chefs were actually looking for a reason to excuse his crap behavior by his being a fantastic chef, and were just as shocked as the judges when it turned out to be mediocre. Candice's was unimpressive, flavor-wise. The eye may eat first, but you can't ignore the taste buds, Candy. Guess she's not underestimated after all. The judges make their final decision. Katie Lee comes into the kitchen. "WOULD. HAROLD. STEPHEN. AND. TIFFANI. PLEASE. JOIN. US. AT. THE. JUDGES'. TABLE." They come in, and seat themselves. They're told they're the top three. Tiffani's held up really well to the dishes that had meat in them. Harold's snapper was flavorful. Stephen's was visually attractive. The winner of the challenge is - Harold. Nice. The others congratulate him. What does he win? Only the duty to call in Ken, Andrea, and Candice. He does so, after getting applause for his win. They enter the dining room, and are told they represent the bottom three. One of them is being eliminated.
Commercials. That's probably not the reaction I'd get if I walked into a party naked.
Ken's fish was bland and the seasoning was off. Andrea tried to do too much on the plate. Candice's was overcooked. They all agree with their critiques. And the loser is - Ken. Yes! "PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO," the KatieBot tells him. That's the dumbest elimination line I've ever heard. They go back into the kitchen and Ken shares the news of his elimination. Everyone's like "sounds good to us". They're relieved at his ouster. Me too. He thinks his tone got him into trouble, but "That's me. I express myself." Well, bully for you. Now maybe you can work on when to express yourself. I'll even be nice and tell you where to express yourself. Loserville. Where you're headed. "Who's goin' down????????" You.
Instead of an episode preview, we get an entire season preview. There is rushing. There is cooking. There is fighting. There is spilling. There are fires. There are allergies.
Overall Grade: B-
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Finale - Part 2
Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 14
Previously on St. Patrick's Day: St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Limecrete took vacation every year to celebrate his Irish blood by getting ripped. Limecrete decided to pay one final honor to the day by writing this recap in green [Then changed it back to black because it was impossible to read in the new template -- June 22, 2006]
Previously on Project Runway: Tim Gunn visited the final three to see how their collections were coming, and the viewers were treated to all of their sob stories. The clear winner on the Sympathy-O-Meter was Chloe. Danzzz felt that Tim didn't like his collection enough. Everyone gathered in New York City, where Chloe and Danzzz let Santino off pretty easy for his backstabbing. Besides, they all needed to pull together to share in mutual frustration at the final challenge: a thirteenth look for the runway show. Yeek. Three designers remain. Who will win Project Runway tonight?
We return with 40 hours until showtime. All three designers are still trying to absorb the fact that they have to keep working. They look completely fried. Santino recaps for us who has whom for helpers. Thanks, show, but I think we could have figured it out. We get an extremely odd Frankenbyte where Danzzz #1 says "I chose a beautiful...", and Danzzz #2 says "mohair camel". If you're going to have a Frankenbyte, at least have the good grace to not show Danzzz #1 way back when, with his longer hair. Cripes. Nick worries about getting everything done. Chloe goes a different direction with her thirteenth piece, basically giving Diana (whom she always calls "Miss Diana", which I love) some basic ideas, then turning the whole project over to her. Andrae is being extremely helpful to Santino in trying to gently nudge him over his current creative block.
33 hours. Everyone's working madly. Chloe thinks Miss Diana is making the thirteenth piece too complex, and is proceeding too slowly. Probably true. They all leave for the night. 24 hours. Santino is exhausted, but manages to do another set of Timpressions that cracks everyone up. Love those! Tim, who must have some kind of radar up his butt, enters the room two seconds later with Collier Strong. The next couple of minutes are just a glorified product placement commercial, and since I'm not getting any compensation from [cosmetics company], I don't feel I owe them any attention. Take that! The assistant are still working on the thirteenth looks. Andrae is still trying to do as much as he can, while staying within the parameters that Santino has set (which are likely not many at this stage). Good for him. 12 hours. Tim comes in and compliments Danyelle (aw, I love her), who is being fitted in Santino's thirteenth look. It does look really good. Danzzz is ecstatic about his mohair camel dress and how it complements his collection. Chloe's is still in pieces. Diana is putting in pockets, which Tim feels is too ambitious, but the ladies tell him they can handle it. Tim gathers the final three to determine the presentation order. Danzzz will show first, Chloe second, and Santino third. Tim tells them they can work until 4 AM, and have a 5:30 AM call for the show. I'm not sure how much of a show it'll be when they all collapse from exhaustion on the runway. Tim hugs everyone and wishes them luck. They get back to work. Models enter and get fitted. Everyone's going crazy.
Commercials. When we return, it's 4 hours until the show. The exhausted designers get ready. Danzzz shows off the blazer he bought with Tim to Chloe. They all head for the tents, and wish each other luck. Aw. Santino calls Olympus Fashion Week the "Mount Everest of fashion". I say "Don't you mean Mount Olympus?" out loud, and then collapse into giggles, because I am the biggest fucking nerd to walk the planet. The designers see all the empty chairs, and soak up the amount of people who will be seeing their stuff. 3 hours. Everyone's getting organized for the show. Danzzz actually has what appear to be his models sitting on the floor, sewing. Good God, that was risky (and not a little unprofessional, but whatever). What would he have done if they couldn't sew? The assistants show up with 2 and a half hours to go. Tim chides Danzzz for his sewing circle. Chloe temporarily abandons her clothing to check on her models' hair and makeup. She has a lot of issues with them, and points out what needs fixing. She apologizes for being a bitch about it, but rightly says that this is a time that she really needs to get what she wants. That was Chloe being a bitch? She seemed perfectly polite about it to me.
More hair and makeup ensues. Nick is supervising some finishing touches. The audience starts to stream in, including all of the eliminated designers, and the final three's families. Danzzz is missing a bag with his purses in it. He's freaking out about it far less than I would be at this point. He tells Tim that they're missing, and Tim tells him that "things happen for a reason", because he's never liked those purses. Meow! Santino sews Tarah into a dress. His mom is in the audience, and is adorable. She interviews how proud she is of him. Aw. More audience shots. Season 1's Jay and Austin. Carson Kressley. Danzzz's parents. Guess which two of that group aren't gay. I like to toss an easy one your way once in a while. Backstage, Danzzz smooches a girl who has found his missing purses. And...showtime!
Heidi steps out onto the runway. She introduces the show and guest judge Debra Messing. Nina and Michael are also present, as always. Michael is wearing sunglasses. Indoors. To judge a fashion competition. Tool. Let's start the show! Danzzz comes out to introduce his collection. He thanks everyone. He wants to address his family, but doesn't know where they are. They are sitting three feet away from him. Hee. Everyone giggles, and he dedicates the collection to them. First is a flowery white top intermixed with navy blue, with a navy blue skirt. The second is a long, navy blue dress with several buttons. The model's hair looks terrible. The third is a sort of coat/dress. This is the first really impressive piece. It's white, with a double column of buttons, and it's layered at the neck. Next is an outfit so boring, I can't even fathom it. It a sea-foam green tank top, white pants, and one of those giganto purses. Next, Rachael! How the hell did she get cast in this? She has a navy blue dress with a leathery patch attached at the bustline. It foofs at the bottom, which brings to my mind those paper crowns you see on turkeys sometimes. Next, a combination of the sea-foam green fabric as a top, with the flowery white-on-navy fabric for the bottom. That looks really clashy to me. Next, Ugly Eliza! Man, Danzzz needs better taste in models. The outfit is cute, though. It's gray pants, and a dark red top accentuated by flesh-colored fabric in the bustline and sleeves. Next is the thirteenth look, the mohair camel dress. It's quite cool. Then, another clashy outfit. It appears to be a white tennis skirt (but longer - I call it a tennis skirt because it has those ruffles), a purple shirt, and a navy blue sleeveless wool jacket, with white fluff at the armholes and neckline. Yuck. The next one's better. It's that sea-foam green again, but shows some creative design. The top is almost like a sash or robe. It has a nice Asian twist to it. The pants paired with it are just pants. Next, a fuschia top with darker purple pants (and another giganto purse). Except for some foof on the cuffs, it's extremely unimaginative. But pretty. Next, a dress that calls back to some of the nicer ones Danzzz did in the challenges. It's a deep purple dress with a matching jacket. Danzzz seems to do better with dresses than other outfits. Finally, Rebecca in a really gorgeous chocolate brown dress (except for another of those bustline patches). They begin the shot with it swirling around her feet, and I immediately think "Oh my God, how can she walk in that without tumbling?". Three seconds later, she stumbles. Yeek. She saves herself, though. All the models come out for a final strut. As someone who often loved Danzzz's work throughout the show, that was supremely disappointing. If you haven't checked out Kara's decoy line on the BRAVO website, do so now. Aside from the odd preponderance of knit hats, isn't it way better than Danzzz's? Commercials.
We come back on Chloe emerging from backstage. She nervously introduces her line, and thanks her family and boyfriend for coming. Her boyfriend's hot. She brings up that her passion has been questioned throughout the process, and hopes her collection puts those fears to rest. Hit it! OK, strange. The first piece is a shiny, hot pink dress that poofs out on the sleeves. It's unlike anything Chloe ever made during the challenges. I don't like it very much, though I may have felt differently if it were a different color. Next is the green print dress we saw when Tim visited Chloe's house, but with a band of pink around the waist. It's very cute and brings springtime to mind, which is great for the entire audience who are all sick to death of winter by this point. It's cut at the shoulders, but forms a sort of choker for the neck. Super cute. The next look is also made from the same print, but is longer, and made into a more classical shape. It's still super cute. Next, another regrettable shiny hot pink dress. This has what looks like a last-minute attachment of ruffle at the bottom, and a matching detachable shrug. I think the model is Lesley. I liked her. I wish she were wearing one of the better outfits. Next, another shiny dress, this one in gold. It also has a matching shrug. Next, Shannon (I believe) comes out looking spectacular in either really dark red or dark purple. It's pants with a gold trimline, a matching jacket, and some kind of webbed underlay. I have trouble describing the more complex outfits, but it's awesome. Next is the thirteenth look, a simple gold baby doll dress. Looks like the pockets worked out after all. Next, another in that really nice dark red or purple. It's a slim dress with some lacy fringe at the bottom that's not to my tastes at all. What's really neat about it are the curved seams in front. They're really, really attractive. Ooh, more goodness! A dark purple skirt with a busy, kind of earth-toned top and a lacy, cranberry-colored shrug. Gorgeous. Next, a dress in the classic shade of blue Chloe has favored several times. There's a nice sense of symmetry to that. The back is almost wholly cut out, which provides a good contrast from the front. It also has those awesome curvy seams. Then, two dresses in a softer blue (but with what I call the Chloe blue accents) that have spots of green on them. They're kind of map looking, and very pretty. Finally, Grace in a wonderful turquoise dress with a very imaginative cutout pattern in the back. Very nice collection. I could have done without the shiny dresses, but I loved it overall.
Santino comes out. He gives props to himself and his mom (calling her "the shit" - classy). His music features his own voice. That's some impressive narcissism. First is a soft pink dress that has the same trailing train that tripped up Rebecca. This model manages to walk, somehow. It's pretty, and very subdued for Santino. The second look is hard to describe. It's cranberry red leather pants overlayed with a fringed mauve top. That sounds horrible, but it's really not. Next, a light green dress trimmed with black. There are no feathers or beads or any sort of shit hanging off of it. Who are you and what have you done with Santino? Next, a leather skirt in tannish-red, with a mauve sleeveless top. Then another soft pink dress. These are tremendously understated. I should also say that I think he's picked the prettiest models. Next up is Danyelle in the thirteenth look, and she looks smashing. It's a mauve dress with a webbed shrug that's cut out in back. It fits into the collection really well. Jeez, was there an Everything Mauve Must Go Sale in Santino's neighborhood? The next is mauve pants and a tank top with a red shrug over that. Finally, something in purple. A short dress with a tan jacket accented with the same purple. Not bad. Next is a really pretty fire-engine red dress. It flows beautifully. Ah, here's a true Santino piece. Vampyra. It's a silvery skirt, and a black leather bustier with attached dark purple flowing sleeves. It's really creative design-wise, but not very pretty, especially on such a white bread model. The multi-colored rainbow sherbet fabric is up next in a simple dress, and looks good. Then, more mauve! Finally, Heather in the rainbow sherbet fabric, this time as a longer dress, and ruffled. It looks good, which may be helped along by the fact that Heather is gorgeous. She does a cute little twirl that sends the fabric swirling. Not a bad collection. He interviews that he wanted to tone it down a bit for the show, and that he certainly did.
After-show interviews. The final three get their pictures taken. They hug their families. Chloe tells a reporter she feels like she's already won. Shhhh! Don't tempt Fate like that, Chloe, even though I agree with you. Someone from People magazine introduces himself to Danzzz. Ew. Meet someone from a better magazine, Danzzz. Season 1's Jay thinks Danzzz should win. Some random design director chooses Chloe. As she says this, there's a shot of Chloe being interviewed, but in the background Grace is standing with Chloe's family, and is a full two heads taller than all of them. Hahahaha. It looks like she's Gamera come to destroy their city. Season 1's Kara Saun says that Santino has a "creative point of view". Commercials.
The designers come out onto the runway (the original one, not the Olympus one). They all look sick to their stomachs. Heidi has tied her hair back, but it's framing her face oddly, making her look very ovoid. Some general blah describing the events we've just spent three weeks watching. The models come out. Debra asks Danzzz about his theme. He says it's a combination of Japanese sleekness and military. Michael tells him the dress that Rebecca is wearing is very pretty, but has no connection with a military theme, and he really wants to rip that bustline patch right off of her. I agree. It'd be way better without it. All the judges like the camel dress thirteenth look immensely. Nina says that Danzzz showed a great range of styles, showing pants and sweaters and dresses and such. I'd say that although he may have made several different types of clothing, the styles were very similar. There was only two or three pieces that showed real imagination, which is what I consider to be "range". Nina follows up by saying that although Danzzz had this range, that meant that his line lacked cohesiveness. Danzzz looks really shocked that the judges feel this way.
Nina and Michael note how out-of-character Santino's line was. Debra again asks for a description of the theme, which in this case is 1940s Hollywood. I don't really see that theme reflected at all in these clothes, but whatever. Nina says that his clothes may be too safe. And may I just say, Nina spent episode after episode after episode telling Santino to tone down his work, and this is what she says when he finally does? That's bullshit. Heidi jumps in to ask how the dresses were fitted. Santino says he did his work on a dress form, and never really fitted human beings. Heidi notes that the tops are a problem; that the boobs were never in the right place in relation to the clothes. They flash back to the runway show, and she's got a point. Nina, perhaps regretting her earlier comment, tells Santino she doesn't want him to change his stylistic choices, and that he definitely belongs in fashion.
Debra likes the heavy fabric and structured dresses of Chloe's collection. Michael wonders why she concentrated on evening wear. Nina opines that Chloe may have done that because it's easier, but Chloe disabuses her of that notion, saying that she does sportswear for her shop, and the evening wear collection was a chance to challenge herself and branch out. Good answer. Heidi isn't wild about the matching shrugs that a lot of the dresses had. It sounds like she wanted some more contrast there. Chloe points out that the shrugs are removeable, getting what I feel is a silent jab in at Heidi. You can almost feel the "Duuuuuuuh" hanging in the air. Debra compliments the gold baby doll thirteenth look. Chloe says that she did pieces she loves so that no matter the outcome of the show, she would be happy with her work.
Heidi asks Santino what he has that the other two don't. Oof, I hate these kinds of questions. He says that he's more confident in his designs, which is an asset. OK, I'll buy that. Chloe says that although all three of them are competent, passionate, and creative, she's got the business acumen to back up her work. It's not just "Hey, look at the pretty stuff I made." Another good answer. Danzzz says he has his own point of view. Zzzzzzz. He's really blowing it tonight. Heidi dismisses them. Deliberations. Everyone's disappointed that once you take away Santino's flair, not much remains. Nina thinks the judges may have beaten him down. Chloe's work is always professional and polished. They note the awesome seams. Michael feels she doesn't have a lot of showmanship, though. Um, who cares? She's already said she designs work to be sold in a store. Putting together a runway show is the least of her concerns. Nina wishes Chloe's work was more versatile. Michael thinks Danzzz has sophisticated taste for someone with not a lot of experience. The judges seem to like his thirteenth piece the most, which is not a very good compliment when you stop to think about it. "Hey, the stuff you spent five months on sucks, but the last-minute dress that you had help with was sure great!" They note he's young and eager to learn, but aren't feeling the theme of his collection. The judges make up their minds. Nina hedges a bit more than the others, which surprises me. She always seems to know exactly what she likes. The designers are called back out. Commercials.
Decision time! Heidi tells them it was a tough choice. Santino is cut first, naturally. The second he became the season's villain, he doomed himself to failure. Villains don't win. Something to think about if you ever go on a reality show and are tempted to insult everyone around you. Backstage, he says that it sucks to be a loser, but then sarcastically puts on a cheery face and says "But I'm not a loser! I'm a winner!" Yeah, that smarm right there? That's why you lost. Cheers. Back on the runway, Heidi drags out the final decision as long as she possibly can. Danzzz and Chloe clutch each other. "Chloe..." Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. "Congratulations, you are the winner of Project Runway." YES! Danzzz gives her a kiss on the side of the head. Chloe gets as thrilled as she ever gets. No jumping. No screaming. Just a wide smile. Aw. Heidi comes forward and eliminates Danzzz. Now, that's just unnecessary. Michael offers him a job. Sweet. He thanks everyone and goes backstage. He interviews that he's proud of himself, and is confident that he'll still do well. I concur. Heidi leads Grace back out onto the runway to receive her own prize of a fashion spread. Aw, snap. She's a great model, and deserves it. She has her first and only interview of the show talking about how happy she is for Chloe and how great it'll be to wear her clothes in Elle. Chloe's family and hot boyfriend flood the runway. Chloe talks about how much work she's put into it, and how happy she is. Yay! We go out on Tim presenting her with her new Saturn convertible. I'm thrilled.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: B+
And that's the end of Season 2. I'd never seen the show before this season, and I am blown away with how much I liked it. I've had some fantastic discussions with people, and some wonderful blow-out arguments with others about who deserved to win and who deserved to go and such. Bravo, Bravo.
Previously on St. Patrick's Day: St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Limecrete took vacation every year to celebrate his Irish blood by getting ripped. Limecrete decided to pay one final honor to the day by writing this recap in green [Then changed it back to black because it was impossible to read in the new template -- June 22, 2006]
Previously on Project Runway: Tim Gunn visited the final three to see how their collections were coming, and the viewers were treated to all of their sob stories. The clear winner on the Sympathy-O-Meter was Chloe. Danzzz felt that Tim didn't like his collection enough. Everyone gathered in New York City, where Chloe and Danzzz let Santino off pretty easy for his backstabbing. Besides, they all needed to pull together to share in mutual frustration at the final challenge: a thirteenth look for the runway show. Yeek. Three designers remain. Who will win Project Runway tonight?
We return with 40 hours until showtime. All three designers are still trying to absorb the fact that they have to keep working. They look completely fried. Santino recaps for us who has whom for helpers. Thanks, show, but I think we could have figured it out. We get an extremely odd Frankenbyte where Danzzz #1 says "I chose a beautiful...", and Danzzz #2 says "mohair camel". If you're going to have a Frankenbyte, at least have the good grace to not show Danzzz #1 way back when, with his longer hair. Cripes. Nick worries about getting everything done. Chloe goes a different direction with her thirteenth piece, basically giving Diana (whom she always calls "Miss Diana", which I love) some basic ideas, then turning the whole project over to her. Andrae is being extremely helpful to Santino in trying to gently nudge him over his current creative block.
33 hours. Everyone's working madly. Chloe thinks Miss Diana is making the thirteenth piece too complex, and is proceeding too slowly. Probably true. They all leave for the night. 24 hours. Santino is exhausted, but manages to do another set of Timpressions that cracks everyone up. Love those! Tim, who must have some kind of radar up his butt, enters the room two seconds later with Collier Strong. The next couple of minutes are just a glorified product placement commercial, and since I'm not getting any compensation from [cosmetics company], I don't feel I owe them any attention. Take that! The assistant are still working on the thirteenth looks. Andrae is still trying to do as much as he can, while staying within the parameters that Santino has set (which are likely not many at this stage). Good for him. 12 hours. Tim comes in and compliments Danyelle (aw, I love her), who is being fitted in Santino's thirteenth look. It does look really good. Danzzz is ecstatic about his mohair camel dress and how it complements his collection. Chloe's is still in pieces. Diana is putting in pockets, which Tim feels is too ambitious, but the ladies tell him they can handle it. Tim gathers the final three to determine the presentation order. Danzzz will show first, Chloe second, and Santino third. Tim tells them they can work until 4 AM, and have a 5:30 AM call for the show. I'm not sure how much of a show it'll be when they all collapse from exhaustion on the runway. Tim hugs everyone and wishes them luck. They get back to work. Models enter and get fitted. Everyone's going crazy.
Commercials. When we return, it's 4 hours until the show. The exhausted designers get ready. Danzzz shows off the blazer he bought with Tim to Chloe. They all head for the tents, and wish each other luck. Aw. Santino calls Olympus Fashion Week the "Mount Everest of fashion". I say "Don't you mean Mount Olympus?" out loud, and then collapse into giggles, because I am the biggest fucking nerd to walk the planet. The designers see all the empty chairs, and soak up the amount of people who will be seeing their stuff. 3 hours. Everyone's getting organized for the show. Danzzz actually has what appear to be his models sitting on the floor, sewing. Good God, that was risky (and not a little unprofessional, but whatever). What would he have done if they couldn't sew? The assistants show up with 2 and a half hours to go. Tim chides Danzzz for his sewing circle. Chloe temporarily abandons her clothing to check on her models' hair and makeup. She has a lot of issues with them, and points out what needs fixing. She apologizes for being a bitch about it, but rightly says that this is a time that she really needs to get what she wants. That was Chloe being a bitch? She seemed perfectly polite about it to me.
More hair and makeup ensues. Nick is supervising some finishing touches. The audience starts to stream in, including all of the eliminated designers, and the final three's families. Danzzz is missing a bag with his purses in it. He's freaking out about it far less than I would be at this point. He tells Tim that they're missing, and Tim tells him that "things happen for a reason", because he's never liked those purses. Meow! Santino sews Tarah into a dress. His mom is in the audience, and is adorable. She interviews how proud she is of him. Aw. More audience shots. Season 1's Jay and Austin. Carson Kressley. Danzzz's parents. Guess which two of that group aren't gay. I like to toss an easy one your way once in a while. Backstage, Danzzz smooches a girl who has found his missing purses. And...showtime!
Heidi steps out onto the runway. She introduces the show and guest judge Debra Messing. Nina and Michael are also present, as always. Michael is wearing sunglasses. Indoors. To judge a fashion competition. Tool. Let's start the show! Danzzz comes out to introduce his collection. He thanks everyone. He wants to address his family, but doesn't know where they are. They are sitting three feet away from him. Hee. Everyone giggles, and he dedicates the collection to them. First is a flowery white top intermixed with navy blue, with a navy blue skirt. The second is a long, navy blue dress with several buttons. The model's hair looks terrible. The third is a sort of coat/dress. This is the first really impressive piece. It's white, with a double column of buttons, and it's layered at the neck. Next is an outfit so boring, I can't even fathom it. It a sea-foam green tank top, white pants, and one of those giganto purses. Next, Rachael! How the hell did she get cast in this? She has a navy blue dress with a leathery patch attached at the bustline. It foofs at the bottom, which brings to my mind those paper crowns you see on turkeys sometimes. Next, a combination of the sea-foam green fabric as a top, with the flowery white-on-navy fabric for the bottom. That looks really clashy to me. Next, Ugly Eliza! Man, Danzzz needs better taste in models. The outfit is cute, though. It's gray pants, and a dark red top accentuated by flesh-colored fabric in the bustline and sleeves. Next is the thirteenth look, the mohair camel dress. It's quite cool. Then, another clashy outfit. It appears to be a white tennis skirt (but longer - I call it a tennis skirt because it has those ruffles), a purple shirt, and a navy blue sleeveless wool jacket, with white fluff at the armholes and neckline. Yuck. The next one's better. It's that sea-foam green again, but shows some creative design. The top is almost like a sash or robe. It has a nice Asian twist to it. The pants paired with it are just pants. Next, a fuschia top with darker purple pants (and another giganto purse). Except for some foof on the cuffs, it's extremely unimaginative. But pretty. Next, a dress that calls back to some of the nicer ones Danzzz did in the challenges. It's a deep purple dress with a matching jacket. Danzzz seems to do better with dresses than other outfits. Finally, Rebecca in a really gorgeous chocolate brown dress (except for another of those bustline patches). They begin the shot with it swirling around her feet, and I immediately think "Oh my God, how can she walk in that without tumbling?". Three seconds later, she stumbles. Yeek. She saves herself, though. All the models come out for a final strut. As someone who often loved Danzzz's work throughout the show, that was supremely disappointing. If you haven't checked out Kara's decoy line on the BRAVO website, do so now. Aside from the odd preponderance of knit hats, isn't it way better than Danzzz's? Commercials.
We come back on Chloe emerging from backstage. She nervously introduces her line, and thanks her family and boyfriend for coming. Her boyfriend's hot. She brings up that her passion has been questioned throughout the process, and hopes her collection puts those fears to rest. Hit it! OK, strange. The first piece is a shiny, hot pink dress that poofs out on the sleeves. It's unlike anything Chloe ever made during the challenges. I don't like it very much, though I may have felt differently if it were a different color. Next is the green print dress we saw when Tim visited Chloe's house, but with a band of pink around the waist. It's very cute and brings springtime to mind, which is great for the entire audience who are all sick to death of winter by this point. It's cut at the shoulders, but forms a sort of choker for the neck. Super cute. The next look is also made from the same print, but is longer, and made into a more classical shape. It's still super cute. Next, another regrettable shiny hot pink dress. This has what looks like a last-minute attachment of ruffle at the bottom, and a matching detachable shrug. I think the model is Lesley. I liked her. I wish she were wearing one of the better outfits. Next, another shiny dress, this one in gold. It also has a matching shrug. Next, Shannon (I believe) comes out looking spectacular in either really dark red or dark purple. It's pants with a gold trimline, a matching jacket, and some kind of webbed underlay. I have trouble describing the more complex outfits, but it's awesome. Next is the thirteenth look, a simple gold baby doll dress. Looks like the pockets worked out after all. Next, another in that really nice dark red or purple. It's a slim dress with some lacy fringe at the bottom that's not to my tastes at all. What's really neat about it are the curved seams in front. They're really, really attractive. Ooh, more goodness! A dark purple skirt with a busy, kind of earth-toned top and a lacy, cranberry-colored shrug. Gorgeous. Next, a dress in the classic shade of blue Chloe has favored several times. There's a nice sense of symmetry to that. The back is almost wholly cut out, which provides a good contrast from the front. It also has those awesome curvy seams. Then, two dresses in a softer blue (but with what I call the Chloe blue accents) that have spots of green on them. They're kind of map looking, and very pretty. Finally, Grace in a wonderful turquoise dress with a very imaginative cutout pattern in the back. Very nice collection. I could have done without the shiny dresses, but I loved it overall.
Santino comes out. He gives props to himself and his mom (calling her "the shit" - classy). His music features his own voice. That's some impressive narcissism. First is a soft pink dress that has the same trailing train that tripped up Rebecca. This model manages to walk, somehow. It's pretty, and very subdued for Santino. The second look is hard to describe. It's cranberry red leather pants overlayed with a fringed mauve top. That sounds horrible, but it's really not. Next, a light green dress trimmed with black. There are no feathers or beads or any sort of shit hanging off of it. Who are you and what have you done with Santino? Next, a leather skirt in tannish-red, with a mauve sleeveless top. Then another soft pink dress. These are tremendously understated. I should also say that I think he's picked the prettiest models. Next up is Danyelle in the thirteenth look, and she looks smashing. It's a mauve dress with a webbed shrug that's cut out in back. It fits into the collection really well. Jeez, was there an Everything Mauve Must Go Sale in Santino's neighborhood? The next is mauve pants and a tank top with a red shrug over that. Finally, something in purple. A short dress with a tan jacket accented with the same purple. Not bad. Next is a really pretty fire-engine red dress. It flows beautifully. Ah, here's a true Santino piece. Vampyra. It's a silvery skirt, and a black leather bustier with attached dark purple flowing sleeves. It's really creative design-wise, but not very pretty, especially on such a white bread model. The multi-colored rainbow sherbet fabric is up next in a simple dress, and looks good. Then, more mauve! Finally, Heather in the rainbow sherbet fabric, this time as a longer dress, and ruffled. It looks good, which may be helped along by the fact that Heather is gorgeous. She does a cute little twirl that sends the fabric swirling. Not a bad collection. He interviews that he wanted to tone it down a bit for the show, and that he certainly did.
After-show interviews. The final three get their pictures taken. They hug their families. Chloe tells a reporter she feels like she's already won. Shhhh! Don't tempt Fate like that, Chloe, even though I agree with you. Someone from People magazine introduces himself to Danzzz. Ew. Meet someone from a better magazine, Danzzz. Season 1's Jay thinks Danzzz should win. Some random design director chooses Chloe. As she says this, there's a shot of Chloe being interviewed, but in the background Grace is standing with Chloe's family, and is a full two heads taller than all of them. Hahahaha. It looks like she's Gamera come to destroy their city. Season 1's Kara Saun says that Santino has a "creative point of view". Commercials.
The designers come out onto the runway (the original one, not the Olympus one). They all look sick to their stomachs. Heidi has tied her hair back, but it's framing her face oddly, making her look very ovoid. Some general blah describing the events we've just spent three weeks watching. The models come out. Debra asks Danzzz about his theme. He says it's a combination of Japanese sleekness and military. Michael tells him the dress that Rebecca is wearing is very pretty, but has no connection with a military theme, and he really wants to rip that bustline patch right off of her. I agree. It'd be way better without it. All the judges like the camel dress thirteenth look immensely. Nina says that Danzzz showed a great range of styles, showing pants and sweaters and dresses and such. I'd say that although he may have made several different types of clothing, the styles were very similar. There was only two or three pieces that showed real imagination, which is what I consider to be "range". Nina follows up by saying that although Danzzz had this range, that meant that his line lacked cohesiveness. Danzzz looks really shocked that the judges feel this way.
Nina and Michael note how out-of-character Santino's line was. Debra again asks for a description of the theme, which in this case is 1940s Hollywood. I don't really see that theme reflected at all in these clothes, but whatever. Nina says that his clothes may be too safe. And may I just say, Nina spent episode after episode after episode telling Santino to tone down his work, and this is what she says when he finally does? That's bullshit. Heidi jumps in to ask how the dresses were fitted. Santino says he did his work on a dress form, and never really fitted human beings. Heidi notes that the tops are a problem; that the boobs were never in the right place in relation to the clothes. They flash back to the runway show, and she's got a point. Nina, perhaps regretting her earlier comment, tells Santino she doesn't want him to change his stylistic choices, and that he definitely belongs in fashion.
Debra likes the heavy fabric and structured dresses of Chloe's collection. Michael wonders why she concentrated on evening wear. Nina opines that Chloe may have done that because it's easier, but Chloe disabuses her of that notion, saying that she does sportswear for her shop, and the evening wear collection was a chance to challenge herself and branch out. Good answer. Heidi isn't wild about the matching shrugs that a lot of the dresses had. It sounds like she wanted some more contrast there. Chloe points out that the shrugs are removeable, getting what I feel is a silent jab in at Heidi. You can almost feel the "Duuuuuuuh" hanging in the air. Debra compliments the gold baby doll thirteenth look. Chloe says that she did pieces she loves so that no matter the outcome of the show, she would be happy with her work.
Heidi asks Santino what he has that the other two don't. Oof, I hate these kinds of questions. He says that he's more confident in his designs, which is an asset. OK, I'll buy that. Chloe says that although all three of them are competent, passionate, and creative, she's got the business acumen to back up her work. It's not just "Hey, look at the pretty stuff I made." Another good answer. Danzzz says he has his own point of view. Zzzzzzz. He's really blowing it tonight. Heidi dismisses them. Deliberations. Everyone's disappointed that once you take away Santino's flair, not much remains. Nina thinks the judges may have beaten him down. Chloe's work is always professional and polished. They note the awesome seams. Michael feels she doesn't have a lot of showmanship, though. Um, who cares? She's already said she designs work to be sold in a store. Putting together a runway show is the least of her concerns. Nina wishes Chloe's work was more versatile. Michael thinks Danzzz has sophisticated taste for someone with not a lot of experience. The judges seem to like his thirteenth piece the most, which is not a very good compliment when you stop to think about it. "Hey, the stuff you spent five months on sucks, but the last-minute dress that you had help with was sure great!" They note he's young and eager to learn, but aren't feeling the theme of his collection. The judges make up their minds. Nina hedges a bit more than the others, which surprises me. She always seems to know exactly what she likes. The designers are called back out. Commercials.
Decision time! Heidi tells them it was a tough choice. Santino is cut first, naturally. The second he became the season's villain, he doomed himself to failure. Villains don't win. Something to think about if you ever go on a reality show and are tempted to insult everyone around you. Backstage, he says that it sucks to be a loser, but then sarcastically puts on a cheery face and says "But I'm not a loser! I'm a winner!" Yeah, that smarm right there? That's why you lost. Cheers. Back on the runway, Heidi drags out the final decision as long as she possibly can. Danzzz and Chloe clutch each other. "Chloe..." Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. "Congratulations, you are the winner of Project Runway." YES! Danzzz gives her a kiss on the side of the head. Chloe gets as thrilled as she ever gets. No jumping. No screaming. Just a wide smile. Aw. Heidi comes forward and eliminates Danzzz. Now, that's just unnecessary. Michael offers him a job. Sweet. He thanks everyone and goes backstage. He interviews that he's proud of himself, and is confident that he'll still do well. I concur. Heidi leads Grace back out onto the runway to receive her own prize of a fashion spread. Aw, snap. She's a great model, and deserves it. She has her first and only interview of the show talking about how happy she is for Chloe and how great it'll be to wear her clothes in Elle. Chloe's family and hot boyfriend flood the runway. Chloe talks about how much work she's put into it, and how happy she is. Yay! We go out on Tim presenting her with her new Saturn convertible. I'm thrilled.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: B+
And that's the end of Season 2. I'd never seen the show before this season, and I am blown away with how much I liked it. I've had some fantastic discussions with people, and some wonderful blow-out arguments with others about who deserved to win and who deserved to go and such. Bravo, Bravo.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
The Girl Who Is A True Miss Diva
America's Next Top Model - Season 6, Episode 3
Wow, am I glad I didn't pick this season to talk up Top Model. On the other hand, I don't have to worry about spending a bunch of time each week recapping the episodes. Hey, I like to look on the bright side of things.
Tonight, as according to the tradition, is makeover episode. Some of the girls wind up looking way better (see: Furonda). Some of the girls wind up looking far worse (see: Jade). Some of the girls would be pretty no matter what you did to them (see: Nnenna), and some are going to be hopelessly fug no matter how hard you try to spruce them up (see: Brooke).
Jade spends the entire episode being a bitch, as expected, though she has every right to complain about her shitty makeover. As opposed to other reality show villains, where you hate them just like you're supposed to, Jade is so over-the-top-evil as to be completely laughable. How angry can you be at someone that pitiable? Also, Wendy is sad. Because she lost so much in Hurricane Katrina. Which makes her sad. Due to Hurricane Katrina. Hence the sadness. Have you not picked up on the fact that she's sad? Because I'd be happy to harp on it as many times as the show did: a.k.a. two million. But she didn't get in on a pity vote! Right, Tyra?
Aside from that, Furonda passes out a list of "house rules" that cause the other girls to justifiably laugh in her face. Naima shows up looking really, really rough to shill cosmetics. Nnenna continues to rock the house by winning another challenge, then picking Gina and Jade as her co-winners to hopefully promote friendship between them. Nnenna is my new best friend. An ice-themed photoshoot reduces the girls (who have -2% body fat) to shivering messes, which OJ just can't understand wrapped up in his ugly, furry parka, not to mention his warming aura of self-satisfaction. Troll.
At the end, Jade predictably pisses off the judges by blaming everything but the current moon phase for her excrable performance, but it's far too early to boot the villain, so big-nosed, fried-hair, sad-faced Wendy is given her walking papers. Whatever. She never should have been cast in the first place.
Overall Grade: C-
Wow, am I glad I didn't pick this season to talk up Top Model. On the other hand, I don't have to worry about spending a bunch of time each week recapping the episodes. Hey, I like to look on the bright side of things.
Tonight, as according to the tradition, is makeover episode. Some of the girls wind up looking way better (see: Furonda). Some of the girls wind up looking far worse (see: Jade). Some of the girls would be pretty no matter what you did to them (see: Nnenna), and some are going to be hopelessly fug no matter how hard you try to spruce them up (see: Brooke).
Jade spends the entire episode being a bitch, as expected, though she has every right to complain about her shitty makeover. As opposed to other reality show villains, where you hate them just like you're supposed to, Jade is so over-the-top-evil as to be completely laughable. How angry can you be at someone that pitiable? Also, Wendy is sad. Because she lost so much in Hurricane Katrina. Which makes her sad. Due to Hurricane Katrina. Hence the sadness. Have you not picked up on the fact that she's sad? Because I'd be happy to harp on it as many times as the show did: a.k.a. two million. But she didn't get in on a pity vote! Right, Tyra?
Aside from that, Furonda passes out a list of "house rules" that cause the other girls to justifiably laugh in her face. Naima shows up looking really, really rough to shill cosmetics. Nnenna continues to rock the house by winning another challenge, then picking Gina and Jade as her co-winners to hopefully promote friendship between them. Nnenna is my new best friend. An ice-themed photoshoot reduces the girls (who have -2% body fat) to shivering messes, which OJ just can't understand wrapped up in his ugly, furry parka, not to mention his warming aura of self-satisfaction. Troll.
At the end, Jade predictably pisses off the judges by blaming everything but the current moon phase for her excrable performance, but it's far too early to boot the villain, so big-nosed, fried-hair, sad-faced Wendy is given her walking papers. Whatever. She never should have been cast in the first place.
Overall Grade: C-
Friday, March 10, 2006
The Girls Go Bald - Part II
America's Next Top Model - Season 6, Episode 2
Season 6 full recaps for ANTM are falling by the wayside, because the show has...pretty much jumped the shark. Still, if there's one thing I hate, it's a blank in a series.
The girls have a fake press conference with Janice and a bunch of fake reporters. Jade is an arrogant loser. Gina is still stupid. Nnenna is gorgeous and articulate, and "wins" the challenge, thus giving her and a couple of friends first dibs on rooms in the model pad. The pad is super-swank. After the girls move in, Queen Tyra stops by to answer any questions the girls might have. Furonda asks an innocent question about advice for eliminated girls, and Tyra gives her the glare of death and says she doesn't talk about things like that. No girls are ever eliminated! Everything is peace and love!
Later, OJ and some random woman fake the girls out into thinking that their heads will be shaved, but really, they just get realistic-looking bald caps put on for their first photo shoot. Some of these girls look like total aliens without their hair, especially Kari, who appears to made entirely of hair, anyway. At judging, Furonda is told that she's blown it, but of course, she's really down there because she dared to ask Tyra a "forbidden" question. Joining her in the bottom two is pseudo-hick Kathy. Frankly, neither of them is very pretty, so it doesn't much matter who goes. It turns out to be Kathy. Ho hum. Hey, I guess people get eliminated after all.
Overall Grade: B-
Season 6 full recaps for ANTM are falling by the wayside, because the show has...pretty much jumped the shark. Still, if there's one thing I hate, it's a blank in a series.
The girls have a fake press conference with Janice and a bunch of fake reporters. Jade is an arrogant loser. Gina is still stupid. Nnenna is gorgeous and articulate, and "wins" the challenge, thus giving her and a couple of friends first dibs on rooms in the model pad. The pad is super-swank. After the girls move in, Queen Tyra stops by to answer any questions the girls might have. Furonda asks an innocent question about advice for eliminated girls, and Tyra gives her the glare of death and says she doesn't talk about things like that. No girls are ever eliminated! Everything is peace and love!
Later, OJ and some random woman fake the girls out into thinking that their heads will be shaved, but really, they just get realistic-looking bald caps put on for their first photo shoot. Some of these girls look like total aliens without their hair, especially Kari, who appears to made entirely of hair, anyway. At judging, Furonda is told that she's blown it, but of course, she's really down there because she dared to ask Tyra a "forbidden" question. Joining her in the bottom two is pseudo-hick Kathy. Frankly, neither of them is very pretty, so it doesn't much matter who goes. It turns out to be Kathy. Ho hum. Hey, I guess people get eliminated after all.
Overall Grade: B-
The Girls Go Bald - Part I
America's Next Top Model - Season 6, Episode 1
Before we tear into Season 6, I have to make the disclaimer that my heart is not into this particular episode at all. It's really very bad, and I have a lot to do this week, so as far as the first half of the season premiere goes, I'm doing the abridged version. In fact, I may have to do the abridged version or less for the entire season. I'll play it by ear.
Previously on America's Next Top Model: I tuned out just as Season 5 got crappy. Apparently Nicole won. Whatever.
We're starting with 32 girls tonight, and paring them down to the traditional thirteen. All the girls come to L.A. Sara looks a lot like Sarah from last season. Blond. Big lips. You name it. We'll have to see if she sucks at walking and is won over to the dark side of lesbianism. There's also a Dani and a Danielle, but no, you haven't stumbled across The Amazing Race by mistake. You can tell, because I'd rather spend the rest of my life giving Double D pedicures than five minutes in a room with this Dani. Actually, it wouldn't be five minutes. She'd be dead within three. She's a gigantic racist from the word go. Actually, to call her racist is narrow-minded. She also hates gays and muslims, so it's not just race she judges on. She's an all around bigot, and I wouldn't cross the street to piss on her. Moving on.
The girls pull up to a hotel, and we meet Andrea, who's starting to cry, because she's so full of emotion. That's OK, nervous tears are to be expected. Jade interviews that she's cool and intimidating to other girls. The two Jays come out, and the girls squeal as always. There's going to be a preliminary challenge. They roll out a red carpet, and tell the girls they'll have to put on an outfit of their choosing and copy one of three walks that Tyra's done in the past. All hail Tyra. Tyra is lord. The first walk is "sultry/sexy". The second is "sophisticated". The third is "young/virginal/upbeat". Cute little hick girl Kathy, who claims never to have been on an airplane until today because she's so sheltered or whatever, has no problem whipping off her clothes outdoors in front of strangers. Those two facts don't really jive. What is with reality show contestants these days and their faux-hillbilly acts? This girl's almost as hammy as Project Runway's Heidi S. Of course, Heidi was eliminated in the season premiere, and there's no way that'll happen to Kathy.
Jade is out first. She spews some more arrogant claptrap, but girl knows how to pick clothes and strut her stuff. Other girls walk, including a natural redhead. Why is she even here? Tyra hates redheads. I don't know why; I just know that it is so. Furonda dons a drag queen wig she happened to bring along. Yvonne is very pretty, and the captions identify her as Dr. Yvonne, since she works in an emergency room. If your doctor allows people to call him/her Dr. [First Name], change doctors immediately. A girl named Brooke comes out in a Daisy Duke type of outfit. Brooke is hideously ugly. The Jays gather the girls and declare Yvonne the "winner" of the "challenge". Oh, well then I guess she's guaranteed to make the final thirteen, right? Answer: no. Commercials.
When we return, the girls are eating breakfast. OJ tells them that Tyra can't be with them today, but has sent a taped message. Tyra apologizes for being absent, but then it turns out to be a joke and she's really there after all. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm in stitches. Tyra's a good model and a good host for this show, but she is entirely too self-satisfied these days. As a good demonstration of that, she does a fake catwalk strut, capped by a bootie shake, just so the girls will cheer for her. Feh.
After breakfast, it's time for the always demanding panel interview with Tyra and the two Jays. Sara is first. She's really cute. She didn't even apply for the show, but was recruited. She calls herself a Glamazon, but no, you still haven't wandered over to The Amazing Race. Uncanny how they keep synching up like this. Furonda is pretty haggard looking for 24, but she seems cool. She used to be a phone sex operator, and demonstrates various voices she'd use. Heh. Kari is boring. Yvonne is still pretty. She gives Miss J a fake Heimlich maneuver.
Oh, Jesus. Wendy. Wendy is from New Orleans, and we all know what that means. Yes, Tyra gets her Caring Oprah Face on, and asks Wendy about Hurricane Katrina. She was evacuated, and her father apparently died in the flooding. Horrible, horrible situation. So what better way to get over it than by flying to Los Angeles and using your tale of tragedy to get cast in a modeling competition? I really don't mean any disrespect towards people who have lost everything because of Katrina. I can't imagine the horror they're going through. Which is why I think it's kind of monstrous for Wendy to be here. Tyra gives her a hug. Sigh. I guess we'll be seeing Wendy for a while. I'm sure her dad would be thrilled to know his death gave his daughter her fifteen minutes of fame. So disgusting. Commercials.
Andrea, the girl who was crying from nerves before, is now crying because she misses her family. Jade is still conceited and arrogant in her one-on-one. I sense a villain. She's legitimately pretty, though. Gina is Korean, and thinks there aren't enough Asian models. Ladies and gentlemen, that'll be the first and last sentence that Gina utters that doesn't make her sound functionally retarded. She says she'll pose naked, and then she says maybe she won't, because her parents wouldn't like it. Thirty seconds after saying that the modeling world is too close-minded about Asians, she says she's not into Asian guys at all. I mean, there's a difference between what you think people of certain races can do and who you're attracted to, but man, did she pick the wrong time to say this. Gina indulges in some more verbal diarrhea. I'm thinking that Asian women aren't exactly clamoring for this girl to be their representative. Plus, she's not even that cute. Chloe's prettier. Tanika makes a similar mistake. She's bi-racial, and insults black girls' hair. The three judges are all insulted, but you'll note all three of them have nothing close to their natural hair, so they can stuff it. Other than the fact that I like Tanika's T-shirt, we're done with her.
Andrea comes in, and you'll never guess what. Cries. She interviews again and...cries. A girl named Leah comes in, and is over-excited, but I kind of like her. She's a go-go dancer. Montage of weird-ass behavior. Joanie does the moonwalk in high heels. That's impressive. Her father's a preacher, and she rebelled by working as a cage dancer and in strip clubs. She dances a little for them. She's cool. I like her. Leslie. She says her grandparents would freak if she brought home a black guy. Tyra asks about Miss J. Leslie says they don't have anything against black women. Hehehehe. I like Leslie until she pulls down her bikini bottom to reveal a tattoo that reads "what nourishes me destroys me", which she got because Angelina Jolie has one just like it. Oh, Leslie. Danielle says she's focused and that failure's not an option. She has an ugly gap in her teeth. She talks about helping her mom out, because her mom's got arthritis. She proceeds to cry almost as much as Wendy did about her dead father. Arthritis! Seriously, my mom comes down with a new ailment every other day, so don't come crying to me with a piteous story about arthritis. That night at dinner, Dani continues to be a huge racist, gets called on it by Danielle, then claims to not be a racist. I really would rather not spend any large amount of time paying attention to Dani scenes, so let's move on. Commercials.
We're back, and Kathy's still peddling her aw shucks routine. Her panel interview goes well. Nnenna is beautiful. She's a chemist (holla, scientists!), and is originally from Nigeria. We get another sob story, although this one's a lot more genuine than "my mom has arthritis". Her parents kept having girls, and her mother was advised not to have more children, but Nnenna's father pressured her into getting pregnant again, and she died soon after childbirth. Then Nnenna and one of her sister got sent to live in America, because her father couldn't support the whole family. Yikes. Mollie Sue is not a straight version of Kim. They want her to be, and she's not. She's lucky Brooke's around, or she'd be the homliest girl there. Shkita kind of looks like Season 1's Ebony. She seems nice, but then she confesses a crush on OJ, so she's dead to me. Brooke is still ugly, and has the biggest jaw ever. She likes airplane food. Fascinating. Dani comes in for her panel interview. She tells the judges that she's not racist or anything; she just said what she said to get people's attention. Yeah, that'll fly. Whatever, she's a cunt.
Finally, time for a cut. We'll narrow 32 to 20 much like we did last season. There are 20 makeup kits with photos inside. Find your photo, and you advance. A cute girl named Rebecca hopes she makes it. They stampede for the makeup kits. Girls find photos. Not the redheaded girl, of course. Andrea finds her photo and cries. Good God, she must be dehydrated by this point. Shkita didn't make it. The 20 finalists have 10 minutes to use their makeup kits to get ready for a beauty shot. The photographer tells them he's not going to pose them at all, and they get ten frames. Girls get their pictures takes. Girls slam other girls. Evening. Andrea is crying again. Sara's like "hey, nothing you can do about it now". Tyra and the Jays deliberate. There's a lot of blah. There's a shot of Brooke, and I swear to God it's like a "before" picture in one of those late-night infomercials for Proactiv. They reach their final decision.
The girls gather. Tyra calls the thirteen finalists' names. Jade. Sara. Mollie Sue. Leslie. Joanie. Nnenna. Kari. Brooke (ew). Danielle. Kathy. Furonda. Gina. And finally... Wendy. Tyra tells her it's not out of pity. Guys? It's out of pity. Andrea's crying. I'm sorry Rebecca and Yvonne didn't make it. They're a billion times prettier than Brooke or Gina. Dani leaves to go be a fucking douchebag elsewhere, thank goodness. The thirteen finalists celebrate. Jade refers to herself in the third person. Ick. The Back To The Future photo is established.
In the next hour of America's Next Top Model: The girls move in, and are thrown into the "media" "spotlight" with a little help from Janice. OJ tells the girls that they'll be bald for the photo shoot.
Overall Grade: D+
Before we tear into Season 6, I have to make the disclaimer that my heart is not into this particular episode at all. It's really very bad, and I have a lot to do this week, so as far as the first half of the season premiere goes, I'm doing the abridged version. In fact, I may have to do the abridged version or less for the entire season. I'll play it by ear.
Previously on America's Next Top Model: I tuned out just as Season 5 got crappy. Apparently Nicole won. Whatever.
We're starting with 32 girls tonight, and paring them down to the traditional thirteen. All the girls come to L.A. Sara looks a lot like Sarah from last season. Blond. Big lips. You name it. We'll have to see if she sucks at walking and is won over to the dark side of lesbianism. There's also a Dani and a Danielle, but no, you haven't stumbled across The Amazing Race by mistake. You can tell, because I'd rather spend the rest of my life giving Double D pedicures than five minutes in a room with this Dani. Actually, it wouldn't be five minutes. She'd be dead within three. She's a gigantic racist from the word go. Actually, to call her racist is narrow-minded. She also hates gays and muslims, so it's not just race she judges on. She's an all around bigot, and I wouldn't cross the street to piss on her. Moving on.
The girls pull up to a hotel, and we meet Andrea, who's starting to cry, because she's so full of emotion. That's OK, nervous tears are to be expected. Jade interviews that she's cool and intimidating to other girls. The two Jays come out, and the girls squeal as always. There's going to be a preliminary challenge. They roll out a red carpet, and tell the girls they'll have to put on an outfit of their choosing and copy one of three walks that Tyra's done in the past. All hail Tyra. Tyra is lord. The first walk is "sultry/sexy". The second is "sophisticated". The third is "young/virginal/upbeat". Cute little hick girl Kathy, who claims never to have been on an airplane until today because she's so sheltered or whatever, has no problem whipping off her clothes outdoors in front of strangers. Those two facts don't really jive. What is with reality show contestants these days and their faux-hillbilly acts? This girl's almost as hammy as Project Runway's Heidi S. Of course, Heidi was eliminated in the season premiere, and there's no way that'll happen to Kathy.
Jade is out first. She spews some more arrogant claptrap, but girl knows how to pick clothes and strut her stuff. Other girls walk, including a natural redhead. Why is she even here? Tyra hates redheads. I don't know why; I just know that it is so. Furonda dons a drag queen wig she happened to bring along. Yvonne is very pretty, and the captions identify her as Dr. Yvonne, since she works in an emergency room. If your doctor allows people to call him/her Dr. [First Name], change doctors immediately. A girl named Brooke comes out in a Daisy Duke type of outfit. Brooke is hideously ugly. The Jays gather the girls and declare Yvonne the "winner" of the "challenge". Oh, well then I guess she's guaranteed to make the final thirteen, right? Answer: no. Commercials.
When we return, the girls are eating breakfast. OJ tells them that Tyra can't be with them today, but has sent a taped message. Tyra apologizes for being absent, but then it turns out to be a joke and she's really there after all. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm in stitches. Tyra's a good model and a good host for this show, but she is entirely too self-satisfied these days. As a good demonstration of that, she does a fake catwalk strut, capped by a bootie shake, just so the girls will cheer for her. Feh.
After breakfast, it's time for the always demanding panel interview with Tyra and the two Jays. Sara is first. She's really cute. She didn't even apply for the show, but was recruited. She calls herself a Glamazon, but no, you still haven't wandered over to The Amazing Race. Uncanny how they keep synching up like this. Furonda is pretty haggard looking for 24, but she seems cool. She used to be a phone sex operator, and demonstrates various voices she'd use. Heh. Kari is boring. Yvonne is still pretty. She gives Miss J a fake Heimlich maneuver.
Oh, Jesus. Wendy. Wendy is from New Orleans, and we all know what that means. Yes, Tyra gets her Caring Oprah Face on, and asks Wendy about Hurricane Katrina. She was evacuated, and her father apparently died in the flooding. Horrible, horrible situation. So what better way to get over it than by flying to Los Angeles and using your tale of tragedy to get cast in a modeling competition? I really don't mean any disrespect towards people who have lost everything because of Katrina. I can't imagine the horror they're going through. Which is why I think it's kind of monstrous for Wendy to be here. Tyra gives her a hug. Sigh. I guess we'll be seeing Wendy for a while. I'm sure her dad would be thrilled to know his death gave his daughter her fifteen minutes of fame. So disgusting. Commercials.
Andrea, the girl who was crying from nerves before, is now crying because she misses her family. Jade is still conceited and arrogant in her one-on-one. I sense a villain. She's legitimately pretty, though. Gina is Korean, and thinks there aren't enough Asian models. Ladies and gentlemen, that'll be the first and last sentence that Gina utters that doesn't make her sound functionally retarded. She says she'll pose naked, and then she says maybe she won't, because her parents wouldn't like it. Thirty seconds after saying that the modeling world is too close-minded about Asians, she says she's not into Asian guys at all. I mean, there's a difference between what you think people of certain races can do and who you're attracted to, but man, did she pick the wrong time to say this. Gina indulges in some more verbal diarrhea. I'm thinking that Asian women aren't exactly clamoring for this girl to be their representative. Plus, she's not even that cute. Chloe's prettier. Tanika makes a similar mistake. She's bi-racial, and insults black girls' hair. The three judges are all insulted, but you'll note all three of them have nothing close to their natural hair, so they can stuff it. Other than the fact that I like Tanika's T-shirt, we're done with her.
Andrea comes in, and you'll never guess what. Cries. She interviews again and...cries. A girl named Leah comes in, and is over-excited, but I kind of like her. She's a go-go dancer. Montage of weird-ass behavior. Joanie does the moonwalk in high heels. That's impressive. Her father's a preacher, and she rebelled by working as a cage dancer and in strip clubs. She dances a little for them. She's cool. I like her. Leslie. She says her grandparents would freak if she brought home a black guy. Tyra asks about Miss J. Leslie says they don't have anything against black women. Hehehehe. I like Leslie until she pulls down her bikini bottom to reveal a tattoo that reads "what nourishes me destroys me", which she got because Angelina Jolie has one just like it. Oh, Leslie. Danielle says she's focused and that failure's not an option. She has an ugly gap in her teeth. She talks about helping her mom out, because her mom's got arthritis. She proceeds to cry almost as much as Wendy did about her dead father. Arthritis! Seriously, my mom comes down with a new ailment every other day, so don't come crying to me with a piteous story about arthritis. That night at dinner, Dani continues to be a huge racist, gets called on it by Danielle, then claims to not be a racist. I really would rather not spend any large amount of time paying attention to Dani scenes, so let's move on. Commercials.
We're back, and Kathy's still peddling her aw shucks routine. Her panel interview goes well. Nnenna is beautiful. She's a chemist (holla, scientists!), and is originally from Nigeria. We get another sob story, although this one's a lot more genuine than "my mom has arthritis". Her parents kept having girls, and her mother was advised not to have more children, but Nnenna's father pressured her into getting pregnant again, and she died soon after childbirth. Then Nnenna and one of her sister got sent to live in America, because her father couldn't support the whole family. Yikes. Mollie Sue is not a straight version of Kim. They want her to be, and she's not. She's lucky Brooke's around, or she'd be the homliest girl there. Shkita kind of looks like Season 1's Ebony. She seems nice, but then she confesses a crush on OJ, so she's dead to me. Brooke is still ugly, and has the biggest jaw ever. She likes airplane food. Fascinating. Dani comes in for her panel interview. She tells the judges that she's not racist or anything; she just said what she said to get people's attention. Yeah, that'll fly. Whatever, she's a cunt.
Finally, time for a cut. We'll narrow 32 to 20 much like we did last season. There are 20 makeup kits with photos inside. Find your photo, and you advance. A cute girl named Rebecca hopes she makes it. They stampede for the makeup kits. Girls find photos. Not the redheaded girl, of course. Andrea finds her photo and cries. Good God, she must be dehydrated by this point. Shkita didn't make it. The 20 finalists have 10 minutes to use their makeup kits to get ready for a beauty shot. The photographer tells them he's not going to pose them at all, and they get ten frames. Girls get their pictures takes. Girls slam other girls. Evening. Andrea is crying again. Sara's like "hey, nothing you can do about it now". Tyra and the Jays deliberate. There's a lot of blah. There's a shot of Brooke, and I swear to God it's like a "before" picture in one of those late-night infomercials for Proactiv. They reach their final decision.
The girls gather. Tyra calls the thirteen finalists' names. Jade. Sara. Mollie Sue. Leslie. Joanie. Nnenna. Kari. Brooke (ew). Danielle. Kathy. Furonda. Gina. And finally... Wendy. Tyra tells her it's not out of pity. Guys? It's out of pity. Andrea's crying. I'm sorry Rebecca and Yvonne didn't make it. They're a billion times prettier than Brooke or Gina. Dani leaves to go be a fucking douchebag elsewhere, thank goodness. The thirteen finalists celebrate. Jade refers to herself in the third person. Ick. The Back To The Future photo is established.
In the next hour of America's Next Top Model: The girls move in, and are thrown into the "media" "spotlight" with a little help from Janice. OJ tells the girls that they'll be bald for the photo shoot.
Overall Grade: D+
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I'm Filthy and I Love It
The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 2
Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams raced from Denver, Colorado to Sao Paolo, Brazil. Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler led the pack almost the entire time, thereby upholding the Law of Alpha Male Teams. Fran and Barry missed the clue box. Like, a lot. John and Scott got stuck in a lousy cab, but soon discovered that they were just as lost without it. Double D tried to sucker some locals into helping with the Detour, but the men of Brazil have better taste than that, choosing to harass Yolanda instead. Lake and Michelle brought along their patches, but sadly left the Ritalin sitting on the nightstand at home. Fran and Barry failed to magically pull mechanical know-how out of their asses, but managed to catch up with trailing teams anyway. Eric and Jeremy slithered into first place. While the Harpies raced terribly (and considerably lessened my sympathy towards deaf people), they managed to barely stay in the race, thanks to John and Scott's supreme wind-sucking. Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. These teams are all about action! They're shown boogie boarding. Dancing. Walking their huge dogs. Working. Playing. Skating. Running. Hanging off of moving cable cars. The Harpies? Play with their hair. Ah, the symbolism is delicious tonight.
Sao Paolo, Brazil. Phil tells us it's the largest city in the southern hemisphere. That'll be handy for a trivia contest someday. Eric and Jeremy leave the mat at 5:34 AM. Their clue instructs them to get to Edificio Copan, a couple of miles away. Once there, they'll find Bloco F, where their next clue will be. They decide to wait for BJ and Tyler so that they can all work together. While they wait, they talk about how much they love girls and are looking forward to getting some sex on the race. The assumption that pretty girls will automatically drop their panties for them because they're so hottttttt? Hey, it's Awful Straight Man Characteristic #1! But I'm sure that'll be the only one tonight. I assume they're talking about Double D. Part of me wishes they'd hit on Yolanda so that Ray would crush their skulls. Actually, who needs Ray? Yolanda could probably do it herself. BJ and Tyler leave the mat at 5:36 AM. They say that although they're from two different worlds, they really like Eric and Jeremy. Ew. My respect for them just dropped so fast, my ears popped. The two teams get two separate cabs. Way to cooperate! I can see why it was so necessary to wait!
Wanda and Desiree are off at 5:45 AM. Ooh, they did even better last week than I thought. Desiree says that coming in third has given her and her mom a nice boost of self-confidence. They get a cab. Dave and Lori leave at 5:49 AM. They're still in love, which does nothing to increase my chances of getting a date with him. Damn. He interviews that Lori is a hottie-boom-bottie with the naughty Pilates. She cracks up. They're so cute. In Eric and Jeremy's cab, they spot what they assume to be prostitutes, and Eric compliments one of their asses. When it turns out to be a man, they laugh uproariously, because what could be funnier than accidentally saying something that could be construed as even moderately queer? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ASMC #2. The four lead teams reach Bloco F and discover that it doesn't open until 8 AM, so it looks like a bunch of people will be able to catch up. Tyler reacts to this by saying "Oh, crumbs!" Hey, if he's a DangerMouse fan, my respect will shoot back up again.
Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 6:10 AM, and let us in on the fact that they only have $23 for the leg. Michelle interviews that she can be a calming influence on Lake, who is such a "Type A personality". I've said this before, but I really, really wish people would stop using the phrase "Type A personality" to mean "unrepentant dickweed". They're not synonymous. Lake is already far too chipper for six in the morning. MoJo is off at 6:13 AM (Excited Jumping Monica). Monica is happy that they were on the last flight into Sao Paolo, and yet they beat people ahead of them. Hey, yeah! I don't think I gave them enough credit last week, but they must have done a pretty fantastic job. They get a cab, and both they and Lake and Michelle catch up with everyone else.
Ray and Yolanda depart at 6:47 AM. Yolanda isn't happy with their current placement. I can understand her competitive drive and everything, but sticking to the middle of the pack is fine for now. Really. It means you'll be less fatigued in later legs when the teams that have been busting their humps for first place the whole time start to go crazy and make critical mistakes. Colin and Christie's ears are on fire right now. Ray says that they can regroup and do better in this leg. Fran and Barry leave at 7:06 AM. Now, towards the end of this episode, I began chanting their names for what will become obvious reasons. I bring it up now because as I said "Fran and Barry! Fran and Barry!" over and over and faster and faster, it began to run together until it formed...Frankenberry! Oh, what a perfect name. Go, me! Ahem. So. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 7:06 AM. Fran is anxious to prove that she's in good shape again after she was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. Yikes. I'd be happy enough with just beating the cancer. I'm glad to see that she's doing well. Barry has confidence in her. Even after last week.
Double D leaves the mat at 7:19 AM. Dani (I think) interviews that their strategy was going to be to use their femininity to get through the race. Because that worked out so well for Heather and Eve. Twits. Now they think they'll have to push themselves a little harder. Hmm, ya think? The Harpies are last to leave at 7:28 AM, and right off the bat, there's a "woohoo!!!!!" that makes my eardrums quiver in fear. Lisa interviews that the race is harder than she thought it'd be. Joni interviews that Lisa gets really quiet when she's down or nervous. Yeah, you heard right. Lisa gets "quiet". Joni, have you ever actually met your sister? Everyone catches up with the teams at Edificio Copan.
8 AM. Everyone gets their clue. It's the season's first Roadblock. What's a Roadblock? You're such a n00b. A Roadblock is a task that only one member of the team may perform, and they only get a hint of what the task will involve before they must choose which team member will do it. For example, this one has the question "Who's ready for a fire drill?". Phil doesn't mention anything about the Roadblocks having to be divided fairly equally between team members, but I hope they kept that rule. He does, however, explain that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to climb one of three fire escapes, then rappel 400 feet back down. That doesn't sound too bad. The only other rule is that whoever gets to the top first gets to go first, so they'll need to choose their fire escapes wisely. I SAID, they'll need to choose their fire escapes wisely! Oh, never mind.
BJ takes on the task for his team. Desiree. Dave. Jeremy. Lake. Joseph. Ray. Fran. Lisa (or Joni). I'm not bothering to learn to tell them apart. Danielle. Desiree starts sprinting up staircase #1. Jeremy's right behind her. Ray's right behind him. At this point, with three people ahead of you, you'd probably go to another staircase, right? So of course, Danielle goes up staircase #1 in fourth. Fran goes up in fifth. At last, someone catches the hint, and Dave is first up staircase #2. Lake's hot on his trail, and Joseph is right behind him. Oh, so it's Joni taking on the Roadblock. Whatever. She stupidly starts ascending staircase #2. I'm sure she can overtake people like Lake, who appears to be made entirely of testosterone. BJ wisely heads up staircase #3, all by his lonesome self. What, he doesn't want to wait behind four other people? What's wrong with him? Eric and Dani are cheering on their partners, and Eric says to the camera that he'll have to charm the girls so he can get into their pants later. ASMC #3. Various people climb. Their partners cheer them on. Want to simulate the experience? Yell out "Come on, [partner's name]!" Repeat one thousand times. There ya go.
Jeremy is first to descend from roof #1, while Joseph is first to go down from roof #2 (Happy Jumping Monica). BJ is, of course, first and last at #3. More yelling to partners. Jeremy is first to the bottom. The clue tells them to go to a nearby bus station and pull a ticket for one of three buses to the town of Brotas. They leave at 10:15 AM, 11:15 AM, and 12:15 PM. First come, first served. Normally, I'm not wild when teams are all scrunched together, then given a mini-race like this. However, in this case, teams actually affect their placement through the staircase that they chose, so they actually rise and fall on their own intelligence, rather than dumb luck. I have no problems with that. Once in Brotas, teams have to choose a VW Bug with their next clue stuck under the windshield wiper.
Limecrete (whapping Blood Ray in the shoulder): "Slug bug, no tagbacks!"
Yes, I'm pushing thirty. Anyhow, Joseph is second down. Monica shrieks "Oh my God, I love you!". I hope she's as loving when he's not kicking a task's ass. BJ and Tyler head for the bus station in third. Eric and Jeremy tell their cab to follow MoJo's. Back at the building, "Come on, [partner's name]!". Lake comes down in fourth. Ray is fifth. Lake and Michelle hop a bus. Ray and Yolanda choose a taxi. "Come on, [partner's name]!". Danielle is nervous, because she doesn't like heights. Dave gets down in sixth. Desiree is in seventh. They get their partners, their clues, and their cabs. Danielle moans to Fran about how she shouldn't have chosen this task, because she's so petrified of heights. Fran's like "Whatever, Tits McGee".
Blood Ray: "Use your femininity to get down."
Commercials. We both drool over the new Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats Strawberry Delight cereal. Wow, product names are getting way too long these days.
Danielle continues to panic, and Fran, no longer able to ignore her, gives her a hug to comfort her. Aw. She tells Danielle to concentrate on just looking at the wall. Handy advice. Once she gets started, Danielle doesn't seem to have any problems. Lisa is shrieking for Joni louder than anyone else yelled for their partners. I know, I'm shocked too. Double D heads for the bus station in eighth. Joni hits the bottom in ninth. Double D immediately grabs a cab, while the Harpies, in shades of last week, can't seem to find one. Fran slides down the rappel pretty easily, but that choice to bound up a staircase with four people in front of her cost them; Frankenberry is in last place. Though they may be slow, they're not stupid, so they manage to get a cab before the Harpies. Nice.
Cabs approach the bus station. Teams rush for the tickets. Eric and Jeremy get onto the 10:15 bus, as do BJ/Tyler and MoJo. Unfortunately for Ray and Yolanda, that's it for the first bus, so they get tickets for the 11:15 bus. They're not pleased. Perhaps it would cheer them to know that Lake and Michelle have been dropped at the wrong bus station. Whoops! They get in a cab. Lake is actually way less upset about this than I expected him to be. Dave/Lori and Wanda/Desiree get to the bus station at the same time, and both get tickets on the 11:15 bus. Desiree and Lori high-five. I like to see teams I enjoy getting along. That's it for the 11:15, so all the rest of the teams (Double D, Frankenberry, Lake/Michelle, and the Harpies) are stuck on the loser bus at 12:15 PM. Once Double D has their tickets, Eric feels up Danielle's biceps, then "surreptitiously" feels up her ass. Classy. ASMC #4.
The folks on the 10:15 bus enjoy the Brazilian scenery. It's really beautiful. The other two buses also depart at their scheduled times. Bus #1 arrives. Everyone chooses a Bug, and grabs their clue. Detour! Press It or Climb It. In Press It, teams drive to a plantation and process raw sugarcane (using a rolling press) into fermented juice, which they must then distill into 500 mL of ethanol. They'll then get their next clue, but must pour the ethanol into their car before they leave. I'm going into Organic Chemistry flashbacks. I'll just be in the fetal position for a while. In Climb It, teams drive to a waterfall and do a 90-foot rope climb up the cliff face, using mechanical ascenders. Once both team members finish the climb, they get their next clue. Organic Chemistry seizures aside, you have to play to your strengths, so I'd head for the sugarcane. The three lead teams are all endorphin junkies, though, so they all choose Climb It. They stop for directions. Eric and Jeremy decide to just keep following everyone else, and comment on the spankability of Monica's ass. ASMC #5. BJ hits Tyler with the slug bug move, except he goes for the alternate name "punchbuggy". Monica's worried she may hold her team back, being a girl, but promises to work as hard as she can on the rope climb. Where's the annoying Monica of last week? Actually, don't answer. I like Hardworking Cooperative Monica much more.
BJ and Tyler suit up first. They'll be going up the same line. There's a cool shot of ants carrying bits of leaves up the side of a tree. They don't even need mechanical ascenders. Tyler starts up the waterfall. Joseph and Monica suit up. Monica's going first. Eric and Jeremy suit up, one of them whining about his suede shoes getting ruined in the water. Tyler gets to the top. Various guys help Jeremy get ready to climb. He complains that the helpers aren't girls in swimsuits. I seriously wonder if we're supposed to like these guys. You know how the show uses editing to shape the story arc of a particular team, so I'm curious to know if their intention is for us to be sitting on our couches, yukking it up over these loveable rapscallions. Because I'm not amused. I really loathe them. Oh, and also? ASMC #6.
Monica reaches the top of the waterfall as bus #2 arrives in Brotas. These people are more varied in their choices. Dave and Lori head for Press It, Dave saying that he's done this experiment before. Hee. I wonder if he ever spilled nitric acid on his hands like I did. Never do that. Unless you like watching your skin bubble and fall off. Ray and Yolanda head for Climb It. Wanda and Desiree go for Press It. Meanwhile, BJ reaches the top of the waterfall. That puts them in first place, and they get their next clue. Pitstop. Already? Wow, this episode really flew by. They must now drive themselves 20 miles to Primavera Da Serra, a nineteenth-century coffee plantation. Sounds nice. They run for their car. Eric and Joseph are on the cliff face, the former a little ahead of the latter. Eric soon proves to suck at climbing, however, so Joseph hits the top, and MoJo takes off for the pitstop in second place. Once they're in the car, Monica grins and spouts the titular quote. I may grow to like this team. Jeremy and his ugly shoes make it up the waterfall. They head to the pitstop.
Happy Tootling Nerd Music! Yes, it's Dave and Lori, admiring the beautiful scenery. Yolanda is feeling hot, so she's happy that she'll be throwing herself into some water. Desiree worries a bit about how long it's taking to get to the sugarcane plantation. Bus #3 arrives. Frankenberry actually discusses which Detour they'll be better at, rather than just choosing randomly. You'd think that's a good thing, but I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that they may as well have flipped a coin. Frankenberry, Lake/Michelle, and Double D all choose Climb It, while the Harpies are having none of that, so they go for Press It. They all head out. Lisa (or Joni) can't get the hang of shifting the car's gears. Oh, no! Who would have possibly thought in a million years that they'd be expected to know how to drive stick? Just because it's come up in every season ever is no reason to believe that this basic skill would be involved at some point! They get into a spat about how Lisa (or Joni) should drive while Joni (or Lisa) gives directions. Because directions are so important when you can't go three feet without stalling.
Commercials. How many crappy movies with Matthew McConablahblah must society suffer through before it realizes that he's utterly redundant? Hello! We already have a perfectly functional Woody Harrelson, thanks. And if he breaks down, we've always got an Owen Wilson or Jay Mohr to spare. If I sound cranky, it's because I paid full price to see Sahara. There's two hours of my life I'll never get back.
The Harpies are still fighting. The bottom of my screen boop-boop-boops, because there's an amber alert about a missing child. I've never been so happy to be distracted by the boop-boop-boop. They manage to get directions and head for the sugarcane plantation. The three lead teams are trying to find their way to Primavera Da Serra, and Eric and Jeremy see Double D going the other direction. They hope the girls aren't eliminated, because they'll be forced to hook up with BJ and Tyler otherwise. Har. Har. They're so tiresome, I can barely work up the effort to mock them. ASMC #7. MoJo gets a bit lost and has to stop for directions.
Dave and Lori arrive at the sugarcane plantation. They get started. Dave starts cranking. Juice is spurted into Lori's face. Dirty! Ray and Yolanda find the waterfall. Ray says something like "fo-shizzle jizzle". Oh, Ray. Wanda and Desiree miss the turn for the sugarcane plantation, but seem to realize it pretty quickly. Desiree starts to get anxious about elimination, which is probably premature at this point, given that they know they have an hour's jump on four teams. Ray climbs the waterfall. Happy Tootling Nerd Music brings us back to the sugarcane plantation. Dave: "Keep pushing." Lori: "I'm pushing, babe." DIRTY! They get all their juice collected and start to distill it. Dave invokes the spirit of Mr. Wizard. Aw, that was a great show. Not as great as 3-2-1 Contact, but what was? Wanda and Desiree find the place and get started on their sugarcane. Ray finishes his climb, and Yolanda begins hers. Check out her leg muscles. She could crack a coconut with those things. Dave and Lori get their 500 mL of ethanol, so the Happy Tootling Nerd Music tells them they can have their clue. They wish Wanda and Desiree luck, pour the ethanol into their car, and leave for the pitstop. We know it's 20 miles from the waterfall, but we never hear how far it is from the sugarcane plantation. Yolanda finishes her climb, so she and Ray are off as well. Wanda and Desiree begin distilling their fermented juice. It's slow-going, and Desiree says that it's karma for all the times she's passed out in chemistry class. Hee. My genetics class almost passed out when my lab partner Diana spilled an entire bottle of ether, but that's another story.
Frankenberry heads to the waterfall. Lake and Michelle are right behind them, Lake saying that they've "caught up". To whom? To Frankenberry, who left at the same time they did? Weirdos. Double D gets caught behind a slow truck. Ooh, that would drive me batshit. It drives me batshit when it happens on my way to work, so I can't even imagine what I'd do if I were racing. Lisa (or Joni) continues to murder her car. Wanda and Desiree finish up, Wanda kisses the clue, and they're off. They're still worried about their placement. I still don't get it. Eric and Jeremy, nervous that BJ and Tyler don't know where they're going, decide to pull off and ask for directions. Joke's on them, though, because BJ and Tyler are on the right track. They pull up to the pitstop, and yell out for Phil. The greeter is just some random pudgy dude in red pants and a funny hat. They're team number one, and are thrilled about it. They win a trip to Tahiti. Nice! Eric and Jeremy pull up, upset that they're team number two. They yell at Phil and call him a woman. ASMC #8. Eight. In one hour. I fucking hate them. Phil does too, as he pops an eyebrow at their comment. That's not even getting into the fact that they're angry that they're team number two (!), and wouldn't even be that if they hadn't followed BJ and Tyler. Fucking fuckers. I know we have no reasonable expectation to get rid of them anytime soon, but they are officially on the shit list. MoJo checks in as team #3.
Frankenberry and Lake/Michelle arrive at the waterfall. Fran goes first. She tries, God bless her, but there's a reason little old ladies don't generally climb up waterfalls. It's the same reason I don't generally climb up waterfalls. I'd be terrible at it. As is Fran. She makes very little progress. Michelle breezes by her. We head into the break as Fran propels herself right into the cliff face. Ouch!
Commercials. Blood Ray feels bad for the two normal toothbrushes that get kicked out of their glass by the new fancy ones.
Barry yells for Fran to look at what Michelle's doing so that she can get the hang of the ascender. Lake freaks out (but in a fairly supportive way) about Michelle getting up the cliff, and freaks out just as much when it's his turn. Again, I'd much rather he be an excited spaz than an abusive spaz, but still. He's at a 9, and I need him at about a 6. Fran finally reaches the top, Lake not too far behind. He and Michelle head for the pitstop as Barry begins his climb. Dave and Lori check in as team #4. Yay! Ray and Yolanda are team #5, so they've certainly improved over last week. Wanda and Desiree are team #6, and are really shocked that they're not lower. They weren't that far behind Dave and Lori at the sugarcane plantation, so I am still at a loss to understand why they think four teams (an hour behind) managed to overtake them. Double D finally makes it to the waterfall, and Danielle passes Barry on the rope. He eventually finishes, and Frankenberry heads for the pitstop. Bad Detour choice two weeks in a row, folks. Shape up. There won't be dumbass teams to absorb your mistakes for much longer.
Harpies. Shitty driving. They finally get to the sugarcane plantation. Dani reaches the top of the waterfall, so they're done. The Harpies distill their juice. After spending at least two days in Brazil and encountering tons of locals, Lake still believes that they speak Spanish. Sigh. He doesn't want to stop for directions, but they eventually have to. Michelle hopes that another team is having as much trouble as they are. Well, she's in luck. Frankenberry's car battery dies. Ack! Double D passes them up, lamenting that although they like Frankenberry, they're not going to stop and help their direct competition in a race. Understandable. You know, though I'm certainly not anxious to hit the town with them or anything, Double D is a lot less objectionable this week. If they shut Eric and Jeremy down, they'll climb even higher in my esteem. The Harpies finish their ethanol, and are off.
Some nice guy who earlier agreed to lead Lake and Michelle to the pitstop has to stop for gas, which annoys Lake. Dude, he's doing you a favor. Shut up. Frankenberry gets a new car. Phil explains to us that should a car break down through no fault of the team, they can get a replacement car, but they won't get a time credit for the time lost. Fair enough. They've learned enough from last week not to give up, so they keep heading for the pitstop. Joni (or Lisa) says something about how hard they've worked today, so they don't want to go home. Well, I do want you to go home. Let's see which of us wins, shall we? Double D and Lake/Michelle arrive at Primavera Da Serra at the same time. There's tense music, even though we know (and Double D knows - since they passed Frankenberry) that they're racing for a meaningless position. Both teams get ready to bolt. They run for the mat. Lake and Michelle narrowly edge out Double D, so they're teams #7 and #8, respectively. They congratulate each other.
It's now completely dark out, so I have to think a lot of time has gone by, since it didn't even seem to be dusk when the last team checked in. The trailing two teams are still driving. Here is where I begin chanting "Fran and Barry! Fran and Barry!". A car pulls up to the pitstop. "FRAN AND BARRY! FRAN AND BARRY!" And coming out of the woods is...Frankenberry! Yay! Phil leaves them hanging a second before he informs them that they are team #9. They share a completely synchronized shout of "Oh, my God!". They're pumped.
The Harpies pull up. Lisa (or Joni) beats herself up for not being able to drive the "stupid" car. It's not the car that's stupid, sugarplum. Joni (or Lisa) tells her not to be so hard on herself. Don't listen to her, Lisa (or Joni). If you'd taken the completely obvious step to learn stick, you may well have still been in the race, so this is all your fault. Feel free to be hard on yourself. They step on the mat, and are eliminated. Yes! They begin to sob piteously. Unlike other teams that I disliked, where I still managed to dredge up some pity for their tearful elimination, the Harpies' wails bring me irrepressible joy. On the first viewing, I got up and did a celebratory booty dance across the room, capping it off by giving Blood Ray a nice, hard slap across the ass. Now that I'm rewatching the episode, I can actually hear the Harpies' closing comments. Lisa (or Joni) says that from the first moment she saw this show, she knew she wanted to do this.
Blood Ray: "What, cry on national television?"
Heh. No, she actually means she knew she wanted to do the race. Hey, me too, which is why I try to learn from past seasons. You know what got Meredith and Maria eliminated in Season 6? Not knowing how to drive stick. Joni (or Lisa) says that she still feels like a winner (snerk) and that they did their best, and love each other. Good for you. Now you can do your best and love each other in the best place possible. Far, far away from my television screen.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Moscow! Awesome! Monica thinks that Russians drink and smoke a lot. Teams have to search a crapload of matryoshka dolls for a clue. Wanda almost drowns.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams raced from Denver, Colorado to Sao Paolo, Brazil. Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler led the pack almost the entire time, thereby upholding the Law of Alpha Male Teams. Fran and Barry missed the clue box. Like, a lot. John and Scott got stuck in a lousy cab, but soon discovered that they were just as lost without it. Double D tried to sucker some locals into helping with the Detour, but the men of Brazil have better taste than that, choosing to harass Yolanda instead. Lake and Michelle brought along their patches, but sadly left the Ritalin sitting on the nightstand at home. Fran and Barry failed to magically pull mechanical know-how out of their asses, but managed to catch up with trailing teams anyway. Eric and Jeremy slithered into first place. While the Harpies raced terribly (and considerably lessened my sympathy towards deaf people), they managed to barely stay in the race, thanks to John and Scott's supreme wind-sucking. Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. These teams are all about action! They're shown boogie boarding. Dancing. Walking their huge dogs. Working. Playing. Skating. Running. Hanging off of moving cable cars. The Harpies? Play with their hair. Ah, the symbolism is delicious tonight.
Sao Paolo, Brazil. Phil tells us it's the largest city in the southern hemisphere. That'll be handy for a trivia contest someday. Eric and Jeremy leave the mat at 5:34 AM. Their clue instructs them to get to Edificio Copan, a couple of miles away. Once there, they'll find Bloco F, where their next clue will be. They decide to wait for BJ and Tyler so that they can all work together. While they wait, they talk about how much they love girls and are looking forward to getting some sex on the race. The assumption that pretty girls will automatically drop their panties for them because they're so hottttttt? Hey, it's Awful Straight Man Characteristic #1! But I'm sure that'll be the only one tonight. I assume they're talking about Double D. Part of me wishes they'd hit on Yolanda so that Ray would crush their skulls. Actually, who needs Ray? Yolanda could probably do it herself. BJ and Tyler leave the mat at 5:36 AM. They say that although they're from two different worlds, they really like Eric and Jeremy. Ew. My respect for them just dropped so fast, my ears popped. The two teams get two separate cabs. Way to cooperate! I can see why it was so necessary to wait!
Wanda and Desiree are off at 5:45 AM. Ooh, they did even better last week than I thought. Desiree says that coming in third has given her and her mom a nice boost of self-confidence. They get a cab. Dave and Lori leave at 5:49 AM. They're still in love, which does nothing to increase my chances of getting a date with him. Damn. He interviews that Lori is a hottie-boom-bottie with the naughty Pilates. She cracks up. They're so cute. In Eric and Jeremy's cab, they spot what they assume to be prostitutes, and Eric compliments one of their asses. When it turns out to be a man, they laugh uproariously, because what could be funnier than accidentally saying something that could be construed as even moderately queer? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ASMC #2. The four lead teams reach Bloco F and discover that it doesn't open until 8 AM, so it looks like a bunch of people will be able to catch up. Tyler reacts to this by saying "Oh, crumbs!" Hey, if he's a DangerMouse fan, my respect will shoot back up again.
Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 6:10 AM, and let us in on the fact that they only have $23 for the leg. Michelle interviews that she can be a calming influence on Lake, who is such a "Type A personality". I've said this before, but I really, really wish people would stop using the phrase "Type A personality" to mean "unrepentant dickweed". They're not synonymous. Lake is already far too chipper for six in the morning. MoJo is off at 6:13 AM (Excited Jumping Monica). Monica is happy that they were on the last flight into Sao Paolo, and yet they beat people ahead of them. Hey, yeah! I don't think I gave them enough credit last week, but they must have done a pretty fantastic job. They get a cab, and both they and Lake and Michelle catch up with everyone else.
Ray and Yolanda depart at 6:47 AM. Yolanda isn't happy with their current placement. I can understand her competitive drive and everything, but sticking to the middle of the pack is fine for now. Really. It means you'll be less fatigued in later legs when the teams that have been busting their humps for first place the whole time start to go crazy and make critical mistakes. Colin and Christie's ears are on fire right now. Ray says that they can regroup and do better in this leg. Fran and Barry leave at 7:06 AM. Now, towards the end of this episode, I began chanting their names for what will become obvious reasons. I bring it up now because as I said "Fran and Barry! Fran and Barry!" over and over and faster and faster, it began to run together until it formed...Frankenberry! Oh, what a perfect name. Go, me! Ahem. So. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 7:06 AM. Fran is anxious to prove that she's in good shape again after she was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. Yikes. I'd be happy enough with just beating the cancer. I'm glad to see that she's doing well. Barry has confidence in her. Even after last week.
Double D leaves the mat at 7:19 AM. Dani (I think) interviews that their strategy was going to be to use their femininity to get through the race. Because that worked out so well for Heather and Eve. Twits. Now they think they'll have to push themselves a little harder. Hmm, ya think? The Harpies are last to leave at 7:28 AM, and right off the bat, there's a "woohoo!!!!!" that makes my eardrums quiver in fear. Lisa interviews that the race is harder than she thought it'd be. Joni interviews that Lisa gets really quiet when she's down or nervous. Yeah, you heard right. Lisa gets "quiet". Joni, have you ever actually met your sister? Everyone catches up with the teams at Edificio Copan.
8 AM. Everyone gets their clue. It's the season's first Roadblock. What's a Roadblock? You're such a n00b. A Roadblock is a task that only one member of the team may perform, and they only get a hint of what the task will involve before they must choose which team member will do it. For example, this one has the question "Who's ready for a fire drill?". Phil doesn't mention anything about the Roadblocks having to be divided fairly equally between team members, but I hope they kept that rule. He does, however, explain that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to climb one of three fire escapes, then rappel 400 feet back down. That doesn't sound too bad. The only other rule is that whoever gets to the top first gets to go first, so they'll need to choose their fire escapes wisely. I SAID, they'll need to choose their fire escapes wisely! Oh, never mind.
BJ takes on the task for his team. Desiree. Dave. Jeremy. Lake. Joseph. Ray. Fran. Lisa (or Joni). I'm not bothering to learn to tell them apart. Danielle. Desiree starts sprinting up staircase #1. Jeremy's right behind her. Ray's right behind him. At this point, with three people ahead of you, you'd probably go to another staircase, right? So of course, Danielle goes up staircase #1 in fourth. Fran goes up in fifth. At last, someone catches the hint, and Dave is first up staircase #2. Lake's hot on his trail, and Joseph is right behind him. Oh, so it's Joni taking on the Roadblock. Whatever. She stupidly starts ascending staircase #2. I'm sure she can overtake people like Lake, who appears to be made entirely of testosterone. BJ wisely heads up staircase #3, all by his lonesome self. What, he doesn't want to wait behind four other people? What's wrong with him? Eric and Dani are cheering on their partners, and Eric says to the camera that he'll have to charm the girls so he can get into their pants later. ASMC #3. Various people climb. Their partners cheer them on. Want to simulate the experience? Yell out "Come on, [partner's name]!" Repeat one thousand times. There ya go.
Jeremy is first to descend from roof #1, while Joseph is first to go down from roof #2 (Happy Jumping Monica). BJ is, of course, first and last at #3. More yelling to partners. Jeremy is first to the bottom. The clue tells them to go to a nearby bus station and pull a ticket for one of three buses to the town of Brotas. They leave at 10:15 AM, 11:15 AM, and 12:15 PM. First come, first served. Normally, I'm not wild when teams are all scrunched together, then given a mini-race like this. However, in this case, teams actually affect their placement through the staircase that they chose, so they actually rise and fall on their own intelligence, rather than dumb luck. I have no problems with that. Once in Brotas, teams have to choose a VW Bug with their next clue stuck under the windshield wiper.
Limecrete (whapping Blood Ray in the shoulder): "Slug bug, no tagbacks!"
Yes, I'm pushing thirty. Anyhow, Joseph is second down. Monica shrieks "Oh my God, I love you!". I hope she's as loving when he's not kicking a task's ass. BJ and Tyler head for the bus station in third. Eric and Jeremy tell their cab to follow MoJo's. Back at the building, "Come on, [partner's name]!". Lake comes down in fourth. Ray is fifth. Lake and Michelle hop a bus. Ray and Yolanda choose a taxi. "Come on, [partner's name]!". Danielle is nervous, because she doesn't like heights. Dave gets down in sixth. Desiree is in seventh. They get their partners, their clues, and their cabs. Danielle moans to Fran about how she shouldn't have chosen this task, because she's so petrified of heights. Fran's like "Whatever, Tits McGee".
Blood Ray: "Use your femininity to get down."
Commercials. We both drool over the new Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats Strawberry Delight cereal. Wow, product names are getting way too long these days.
Danielle continues to panic, and Fran, no longer able to ignore her, gives her a hug to comfort her. Aw. She tells Danielle to concentrate on just looking at the wall. Handy advice. Once she gets started, Danielle doesn't seem to have any problems. Lisa is shrieking for Joni louder than anyone else yelled for their partners. I know, I'm shocked too. Double D heads for the bus station in eighth. Joni hits the bottom in ninth. Double D immediately grabs a cab, while the Harpies, in shades of last week, can't seem to find one. Fran slides down the rappel pretty easily, but that choice to bound up a staircase with four people in front of her cost them; Frankenberry is in last place. Though they may be slow, they're not stupid, so they manage to get a cab before the Harpies. Nice.
Cabs approach the bus station. Teams rush for the tickets. Eric and Jeremy get onto the 10:15 bus, as do BJ/Tyler and MoJo. Unfortunately for Ray and Yolanda, that's it for the first bus, so they get tickets for the 11:15 bus. They're not pleased. Perhaps it would cheer them to know that Lake and Michelle have been dropped at the wrong bus station. Whoops! They get in a cab. Lake is actually way less upset about this than I expected him to be. Dave/Lori and Wanda/Desiree get to the bus station at the same time, and both get tickets on the 11:15 bus. Desiree and Lori high-five. I like to see teams I enjoy getting along. That's it for the 11:15, so all the rest of the teams (Double D, Frankenberry, Lake/Michelle, and the Harpies) are stuck on the loser bus at 12:15 PM. Once Double D has their tickets, Eric feels up Danielle's biceps, then "surreptitiously" feels up her ass. Classy. ASMC #4.
The folks on the 10:15 bus enjoy the Brazilian scenery. It's really beautiful. The other two buses also depart at their scheduled times. Bus #1 arrives. Everyone chooses a Bug, and grabs their clue. Detour! Press It or Climb It. In Press It, teams drive to a plantation and process raw sugarcane (using a rolling press) into fermented juice, which they must then distill into 500 mL of ethanol. They'll then get their next clue, but must pour the ethanol into their car before they leave. I'm going into Organic Chemistry flashbacks. I'll just be in the fetal position for a while. In Climb It, teams drive to a waterfall and do a 90-foot rope climb up the cliff face, using mechanical ascenders. Once both team members finish the climb, they get their next clue. Organic Chemistry seizures aside, you have to play to your strengths, so I'd head for the sugarcane. The three lead teams are all endorphin junkies, though, so they all choose Climb It. They stop for directions. Eric and Jeremy decide to just keep following everyone else, and comment on the spankability of Monica's ass. ASMC #5. BJ hits Tyler with the slug bug move, except he goes for the alternate name "punchbuggy". Monica's worried she may hold her team back, being a girl, but promises to work as hard as she can on the rope climb. Where's the annoying Monica of last week? Actually, don't answer. I like Hardworking Cooperative Monica much more.
BJ and Tyler suit up first. They'll be going up the same line. There's a cool shot of ants carrying bits of leaves up the side of a tree. They don't even need mechanical ascenders. Tyler starts up the waterfall. Joseph and Monica suit up. Monica's going first. Eric and Jeremy suit up, one of them whining about his suede shoes getting ruined in the water. Tyler gets to the top. Various guys help Jeremy get ready to climb. He complains that the helpers aren't girls in swimsuits. I seriously wonder if we're supposed to like these guys. You know how the show uses editing to shape the story arc of a particular team, so I'm curious to know if their intention is for us to be sitting on our couches, yukking it up over these loveable rapscallions. Because I'm not amused. I really loathe them. Oh, and also? ASMC #6.
Monica reaches the top of the waterfall as bus #2 arrives in Brotas. These people are more varied in their choices. Dave and Lori head for Press It, Dave saying that he's done this experiment before. Hee. I wonder if he ever spilled nitric acid on his hands like I did. Never do that. Unless you like watching your skin bubble and fall off. Ray and Yolanda head for Climb It. Wanda and Desiree go for Press It. Meanwhile, BJ reaches the top of the waterfall. That puts them in first place, and they get their next clue. Pitstop. Already? Wow, this episode really flew by. They must now drive themselves 20 miles to Primavera Da Serra, a nineteenth-century coffee plantation. Sounds nice. They run for their car. Eric and Joseph are on the cliff face, the former a little ahead of the latter. Eric soon proves to suck at climbing, however, so Joseph hits the top, and MoJo takes off for the pitstop in second place. Once they're in the car, Monica grins and spouts the titular quote. I may grow to like this team. Jeremy and his ugly shoes make it up the waterfall. They head to the pitstop.
Happy Tootling Nerd Music! Yes, it's Dave and Lori, admiring the beautiful scenery. Yolanda is feeling hot, so she's happy that she'll be throwing herself into some water. Desiree worries a bit about how long it's taking to get to the sugarcane plantation. Bus #3 arrives. Frankenberry actually discusses which Detour they'll be better at, rather than just choosing randomly. You'd think that's a good thing, but I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that they may as well have flipped a coin. Frankenberry, Lake/Michelle, and Double D all choose Climb It, while the Harpies are having none of that, so they go for Press It. They all head out. Lisa (or Joni) can't get the hang of shifting the car's gears. Oh, no! Who would have possibly thought in a million years that they'd be expected to know how to drive stick? Just because it's come up in every season ever is no reason to believe that this basic skill would be involved at some point! They get into a spat about how Lisa (or Joni) should drive while Joni (or Lisa) gives directions. Because directions are so important when you can't go three feet without stalling.
Commercials. How many crappy movies with Matthew McConablahblah must society suffer through before it realizes that he's utterly redundant? Hello! We already have a perfectly functional Woody Harrelson, thanks. And if he breaks down, we've always got an Owen Wilson or Jay Mohr to spare. If I sound cranky, it's because I paid full price to see Sahara. There's two hours of my life I'll never get back.
The Harpies are still fighting. The bottom of my screen boop-boop-boops, because there's an amber alert about a missing child. I've never been so happy to be distracted by the boop-boop-boop. They manage to get directions and head for the sugarcane plantation. The three lead teams are trying to find their way to Primavera Da Serra, and Eric and Jeremy see Double D going the other direction. They hope the girls aren't eliminated, because they'll be forced to hook up with BJ and Tyler otherwise. Har. Har. They're so tiresome, I can barely work up the effort to mock them. ASMC #7. MoJo gets a bit lost and has to stop for directions.
Dave and Lori arrive at the sugarcane plantation. They get started. Dave starts cranking. Juice is spurted into Lori's face. Dirty! Ray and Yolanda find the waterfall. Ray says something like "fo-shizzle jizzle". Oh, Ray. Wanda and Desiree miss the turn for the sugarcane plantation, but seem to realize it pretty quickly. Desiree starts to get anxious about elimination, which is probably premature at this point, given that they know they have an hour's jump on four teams. Ray climbs the waterfall. Happy Tootling Nerd Music brings us back to the sugarcane plantation. Dave: "Keep pushing." Lori: "I'm pushing, babe." DIRTY! They get all their juice collected and start to distill it. Dave invokes the spirit of Mr. Wizard. Aw, that was a great show. Not as great as 3-2-1 Contact, but what was? Wanda and Desiree find the place and get started on their sugarcane. Ray finishes his climb, and Yolanda begins hers. Check out her leg muscles. She could crack a coconut with those things. Dave and Lori get their 500 mL of ethanol, so the Happy Tootling Nerd Music tells them they can have their clue. They wish Wanda and Desiree luck, pour the ethanol into their car, and leave for the pitstop. We know it's 20 miles from the waterfall, but we never hear how far it is from the sugarcane plantation. Yolanda finishes her climb, so she and Ray are off as well. Wanda and Desiree begin distilling their fermented juice. It's slow-going, and Desiree says that it's karma for all the times she's passed out in chemistry class. Hee. My genetics class almost passed out when my lab partner Diana spilled an entire bottle of ether, but that's another story.
Frankenberry heads to the waterfall. Lake and Michelle are right behind them, Lake saying that they've "caught up". To whom? To Frankenberry, who left at the same time they did? Weirdos. Double D gets caught behind a slow truck. Ooh, that would drive me batshit. It drives me batshit when it happens on my way to work, so I can't even imagine what I'd do if I were racing. Lisa (or Joni) continues to murder her car. Wanda and Desiree finish up, Wanda kisses the clue, and they're off. They're still worried about their placement. I still don't get it. Eric and Jeremy, nervous that BJ and Tyler don't know where they're going, decide to pull off and ask for directions. Joke's on them, though, because BJ and Tyler are on the right track. They pull up to the pitstop, and yell out for Phil. The greeter is just some random pudgy dude in red pants and a funny hat. They're team number one, and are thrilled about it. They win a trip to Tahiti. Nice! Eric and Jeremy pull up, upset that they're team number two. They yell at Phil and call him a woman. ASMC #8. Eight. In one hour. I fucking hate them. Phil does too, as he pops an eyebrow at their comment. That's not even getting into the fact that they're angry that they're team number two (!), and wouldn't even be that if they hadn't followed BJ and Tyler. Fucking fuckers. I know we have no reasonable expectation to get rid of them anytime soon, but they are officially on the shit list. MoJo checks in as team #3.
Frankenberry and Lake/Michelle arrive at the waterfall. Fran goes first. She tries, God bless her, but there's a reason little old ladies don't generally climb up waterfalls. It's the same reason I don't generally climb up waterfalls. I'd be terrible at it. As is Fran. She makes very little progress. Michelle breezes by her. We head into the break as Fran propels herself right into the cliff face. Ouch!
Commercials. Blood Ray feels bad for the two normal toothbrushes that get kicked out of their glass by the new fancy ones.
Barry yells for Fran to look at what Michelle's doing so that she can get the hang of the ascender. Lake freaks out (but in a fairly supportive way) about Michelle getting up the cliff, and freaks out just as much when it's his turn. Again, I'd much rather he be an excited spaz than an abusive spaz, but still. He's at a 9, and I need him at about a 6. Fran finally reaches the top, Lake not too far behind. He and Michelle head for the pitstop as Barry begins his climb. Dave and Lori check in as team #4. Yay! Ray and Yolanda are team #5, so they've certainly improved over last week. Wanda and Desiree are team #6, and are really shocked that they're not lower. They weren't that far behind Dave and Lori at the sugarcane plantation, so I am still at a loss to understand why they think four teams (an hour behind) managed to overtake them. Double D finally makes it to the waterfall, and Danielle passes Barry on the rope. He eventually finishes, and Frankenberry heads for the pitstop. Bad Detour choice two weeks in a row, folks. Shape up. There won't be dumbass teams to absorb your mistakes for much longer.
Harpies. Shitty driving. They finally get to the sugarcane plantation. Dani reaches the top of the waterfall, so they're done. The Harpies distill their juice. After spending at least two days in Brazil and encountering tons of locals, Lake still believes that they speak Spanish. Sigh. He doesn't want to stop for directions, but they eventually have to. Michelle hopes that another team is having as much trouble as they are. Well, she's in luck. Frankenberry's car battery dies. Ack! Double D passes them up, lamenting that although they like Frankenberry, they're not going to stop and help their direct competition in a race. Understandable. You know, though I'm certainly not anxious to hit the town with them or anything, Double D is a lot less objectionable this week. If they shut Eric and Jeremy down, they'll climb even higher in my esteem. The Harpies finish their ethanol, and are off.
Some nice guy who earlier agreed to lead Lake and Michelle to the pitstop has to stop for gas, which annoys Lake. Dude, he's doing you a favor. Shut up. Frankenberry gets a new car. Phil explains to us that should a car break down through no fault of the team, they can get a replacement car, but they won't get a time credit for the time lost. Fair enough. They've learned enough from last week not to give up, so they keep heading for the pitstop. Joni (or Lisa) says something about how hard they've worked today, so they don't want to go home. Well, I do want you to go home. Let's see which of us wins, shall we? Double D and Lake/Michelle arrive at Primavera Da Serra at the same time. There's tense music, even though we know (and Double D knows - since they passed Frankenberry) that they're racing for a meaningless position. Both teams get ready to bolt. They run for the mat. Lake and Michelle narrowly edge out Double D, so they're teams #7 and #8, respectively. They congratulate each other.
It's now completely dark out, so I have to think a lot of time has gone by, since it didn't even seem to be dusk when the last team checked in. The trailing two teams are still driving. Here is where I begin chanting "Fran and Barry! Fran and Barry!". A car pulls up to the pitstop. "FRAN AND BARRY! FRAN AND BARRY!" And coming out of the woods is...Frankenberry! Yay! Phil leaves them hanging a second before he informs them that they are team #9. They share a completely synchronized shout of "Oh, my God!". They're pumped.
The Harpies pull up. Lisa (or Joni) beats herself up for not being able to drive the "stupid" car. It's not the car that's stupid, sugarplum. Joni (or Lisa) tells her not to be so hard on herself. Don't listen to her, Lisa (or Joni). If you'd taken the completely obvious step to learn stick, you may well have still been in the race, so this is all your fault. Feel free to be hard on yourself. They step on the mat, and are eliminated. Yes! They begin to sob piteously. Unlike other teams that I disliked, where I still managed to dredge up some pity for their tearful elimination, the Harpies' wails bring me irrepressible joy. On the first viewing, I got up and did a celebratory booty dance across the room, capping it off by giving Blood Ray a nice, hard slap across the ass. Now that I'm rewatching the episode, I can actually hear the Harpies' closing comments. Lisa (or Joni) says that from the first moment she saw this show, she knew she wanted to do this.
Blood Ray: "What, cry on national television?"
Heh. No, she actually means she knew she wanted to do the race. Hey, me too, which is why I try to learn from past seasons. You know what got Meredith and Maria eliminated in Season 6? Not knowing how to drive stick. Joni (or Lisa) says that she still feels like a winner (snerk) and that they did their best, and love each other. Good for you. Now you can do your best and love each other in the best place possible. Far, far away from my television screen.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Moscow! Awesome! Monica thinks that Russians drink and smoke a lot. Teams have to search a crapload of matryoshka dolls for a clue. Wanda almost drowns.
Overall Grade: B+
Monday, March 06, 2006
Finale - Part 1
Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 13
Previously on Project Runway: The final four designed evening gowns. Danzzz is "just straight up jealous" of the competitor he's currently pounding into the ground. Chloe's dress made Grace's ass appear huge. Danzzz won yet another challenge, and Kara failed to impress, making her the final designer cut. Then, sixteen designers reunited so that we could all learn a valuable lesson: Lupe is a crack whore. Three designers remain. Who will be "out" tonight? Well, nobody. OK, then. Who will win tonight? Nobody. OK, then. Who will pass an uneventful hour tonight?
Opening credits. At the words "drama has to happen", Andrae's head whips around. I guess his ears are burning.
No morning-after interviews this week, as we cut straight to the runway. Heidi congratulates the final three, and introduces the next challenge. The big one. The designers must design and create a twelve-piece line for Fashion Week. They'll have a few months and $8000 to complete their work. Heidi recaps the prizes which we just heard four seconds ago in the opening credits. And now for our final (I assume) Pointless Model Selection. Danzzz naturally sticks with Rebecca, so we must bid farewell to Eden. Heidi tells her she did a great job. Aw, damn. She was awesome. Heidi sends the designers back to the Atlas. She and Tim meet them on the roof, and toast the season and their success at Fashion Week.
Santino packs up and leaves, and Danzzz gets a dreamy smile on his face, like, "Finally!" Santino interviews that he's thrilled about being in the final three. He holds up three fingers and subtracts two for Chloe and Danzzz, so that only the middle one remains. Yep, you sure are the middle finger, Santino. Back at the Atlas, Danzzz vows to not underestimate Santino: "The arrogant prick is extremely talented." Hehe. He and Chloe pack up and hug good-bye. They wish each other luck.
Flash forward five months (7 weeks until Fashion Week). We're in Los Angeles, and Tim Gunn is going to visit Santino to check on his progress. Several beauty shots of the Saturn he's driving. Subtle. He pulls up to a lovely home with a brick driveway (with house-accessible garage), neatly trimmed lawn, and columns flanking the front door. He knocks on the door, and Santino welcomes him in. Tim asks him what the theme of his collection is. Santino says it's 1940s glamour Hollywood boudoir publicity still. Damn, that's a lot of qualifiers. It'd probably have been faster to ask what his theme isn't. He shows Tim a dress that he says he gets a rock and roll feel from. Because we all know how big rock and roll was in the 1940s. The dress is multicolored and pleated, and is quite pretty, though I don't love the fur thing draped on the shoulder. Tim is very pleased with Santino's progress. They leave to wander around the neighborhood together. Santino interviews that he's quit his job designing for a friend's label, and is pretty much broke. Wow, maybe I should quit my job and go broke, too. That'll apparently allow me to live in a well-manicured, two-story Hollywood home. He goes on to talk about how hard it was to pick up and move to a strange town all by himself. That, I'll certainly buy. He's from St. Charles, Missouri, which he describes as a relatively small town. Guys? St. Charles is booming. It's a suburb of St. Louis, and is off to the west, which is where the most affluent suburbs are. It was no doubt smaller when he was a kid, but he's acting like he fought his way out of Podunk, where all there is to do is sit outside the general store or skip rocks down at the ol' fishin' hole.
We segue into the hard-luck Santino story. There are pictures of him as a kid. His features haven't changed much at all. He says he designed a line a few years ago that fell apart, and pretty much left him homeless. He needed help, and was embarrassed about his circumstances. He knows he comes across as arrogant, but admits that he's majorly insecure; that every unkind thing we, the public think about him, he thinks about himself. Well, if he knows he's insecure, and he's as self-critical as he says, why does he feel the need to be such a dillhole all the time? Don't most horribly insecure people swing the other way into excessive niceness, so that they get approval from everyone around them? What does he hope to accomplish by fighting everyone? He tells Tim he got help from his friend Tony and Tony's wife. Tim is very supportive, and there's a romantic shot of the two of them silhouetted against the sunset, as seagulls take off into the sky. It's almost like they're on a date. Santino takes Tim to meet Tony, who he says is an accomplished model and photographer. I don't recognize him, but apparently, he's Tony Ward, who did a bunch of work with Madonna. I suggest you don't Google for pictures of him unless you want to see some penis. Tim and Santino settle into dinner with Tony, his wife, and his adorable daughters, and Santino lets them in on the fact that he's made the final three. Everyone's happy. Santino interviews that he sees people give up their dreams every day, and that he'll never do that. Well, that's admirable. Commercials.
New York City. It's now the next week, and Tim is visiting Danzzz. There's a Christmas wreath on the door (and there was a Christmas tree back in Tony's place), so Fashion Week must be in late January or early February. Hang on, this is weird... OK, I'm back. Fashion Week was from February 3rd to February 10th. So what we're seeing tonight was only filmed about two and a half weeks ago. Speedy editors. Anyway. Danzzz has gotten a haircut. He interviews that he extremely pleased with the way with his collection's going. He's blending military style with Japanese culture. He describes some of his pieces with great pride. Maybe even a touch of excessive pride, though I'm not quite sure. Tim is happy with where Danzzz is, but warns him to not neglect several finishing touches (hemlines, buttons, etc.) or be too safe in his design. Danzzz agrees with him, and the two of them take off to buy Danzzz some clothing for Fashion Week. Another date! Tim's the belle of the ball. In the store, Danzzz says he'd like to get a blazer. Tim asks him if he wants to call Nick. Ouch! That was low, Tim. And pretty damn funny.
Danzzz's origin story. He grew up in a small town in Michigan. Now, is it a real small town or a St. Charles "small town"? We see pictures of him in his youth as he talks about how tough it is to grow up and be labeled a fag. No arguments here. He talks about how supportive his family was when he came out, and how it allowed him to concentrate on the other details of his life. Well, that's nice. Danzzz buys a blazer. He loves his life. Huzzah.
Houston, Texas. Another week has gone by. More Saturn beauty shots. The car, that is. Not the planet. Although that's awfully pretty, too. Tim knocks on Chloe's door. She opens the door with a huge grin on her face and hugs Tim. Her mom, standing behind her, has a face like "Get this camera crew and their muddy feet out of here!" Tim asks for a tour of the house. First stop - the living room, which has pictures of Chloe and her seven sisters. SEVEN SISTERS! They're all pretty. And they're all in their thirties. No wonder her mom didn't look too thrilled. She's probably still in pain. All of the girls still live in Houston, which is awesome. I always wish I still lived in the same city as my sister. I can't imagine having seven of them to hang out with. And not only that, but Chloe was born in Laos, right around the time the Vietnam war was starting up. As their family tried to leave, they got caught, and were sent to family prison for a few years. FAMILY PRISON!!! Kind of puts Danzzz and Santino's problems to shame, doesn't it?
Chloe takes Tim into her workroom. He asks about her line's concept, and she says that there's not really one unifying theme. She interviews that she's not completely sure what her line's going to be like yet. What has she been doing for five and a half months? She shows Tim a green print dress that's pretty, but simple. Tim's a bit perplexed. He asks to see sketches of the rest of the line, and she tells him she doesn't use sketches. Tim's openly disturbed now. He really wants to know how Chloe is progressing, and from what it looks like right now, she's not. That night, all of Chloe's sisters come over, along with their attending husbands and children. Aw! After visiting with them for a while, Tim says good-bye, and takes his leave. Chloe interviews that she has a lot of work to do. Commercials.
New York City. Five days to the runway show. Danzzz arrives at a hotel, and the doorman asks how his trip was. Danzzz says that his trip from uptown was fine. Hee. He interviews that he's been working non-stop, but still isn't finished. He's excited to be showing, and shows off a purse he's made. It's got gigantic wooden handles. I don't like it at all, but I don't like a lot of stuff that attains the status "high fashion", so my opinion probably doesn't mean much. He thinks he's got a very good chance of winning, and squeals over his collection. I'd be proud, too, if I did this much work, but in the world of reality TV, he's inviting disaster. Chloe arrives at the airport. She says that Tim was justifiably nervous about her collection, but she got it done, and is pleased with it. She's also exhausted, saying she hasn't slept in days. She knows that her "passion" has been questioned, but defends herself, and says that winning would be great validation as a designer. She gets to the hotel and hugs Danzzz.
Santino arrives at the airport. He says he's nervous, not about his collection, but because the show has started airing, so now Chloe and Danzzz will have heard all the shit he's been talking. Indeed, back at the hotel, Chloe says that she's glad she gets to talk to Danzzz before Santino gets there. They talk about the things Santino said behind the scenes, and how it still gnaws at them now. Santino gets to the hotel, and Danzzz "jokingly" tells him he's in the wrong room. They make awkward small talk, mostly about how fast the time has flown by. Santino says that it's been hard to watch the show and read all the blogs that trash him. If you see this, Santino...hi! I don't take back anything, but I'm fairly sure you'd be fun to hang out with! Let me know if you ever come back to visit the folks - we'll get a beer. He interviews that he'll certainly think twice from now on before he opens his mouth. He talks to Chloe about how the show has made him look like an asshole, and Chloe points out that it might be because he said assholish things. Go figure. Danzzz agrees that Santino might have gotten a raw deal as far as editing goes, but that he's made his bed, and now he gets to lie in it. Well handled.
Four days to the runway show. Danzzz questions how sincere Santino's vow to be nicer is. The three designers leave their hotel, and arrive at a brighter, fancier workroom than they had at Parson's. Everyone starts hanging up their work. I'd have put all my stuff in black garment bags. Keep everyone guessing. Danzzz interviews that they all started surreptitiously glancing at each other's stuff. He was most curious to see Santino's, as he may have been pulling a "dildo dress" out of his bag. Hahahahahaha!!!! That is so great. I'm putting Dildo Dress on my Awesome Band Names list. Santino interviews that Chloe's collection looked like a couch was coming at him. Elapsed Time To Collapse Of Kinder, Gentler Santino: one minute. Impressive. Tim enters, greets everyone, and asks them to gather around. I don't know why the gathering was necessary, because all Tim really says is that he wants to look at their collections. Santino's up first. It's looking good. Tim's impressed. Chloe's stuff is different than I thought it'd be. There's a poofy dress, and the colors she used are a lot shinier than the ones she usually goes for. Still, she's coming along nicely. Finally, Danzzz. He interviews again how much he likes his collection and expects Tim to love it too. Seriously, enough with that. Danzzz shows him several pieces. Tim is just staring at the clothes, not saying much at all, though he does mention that he's not wild about the handbags. Danzzz openly tells Tim that this is the least amount of feedback that he's ever gotten, and Tim verrrrrrrry slowly says that he's waiting to see how the pieces look on the models. Danzzz interviews that he's kind of offended at Tim's attitude. If he's offended because Tim didn't offer any advice or useful criticism, I can totally understand where he's coming from. If he's offended because Tim doesn't like his collection as much as Danzzz feels he should, he needs to shut up. It looks to me like Tim really disliked a lot about it, but was trying to avoid saying something like "Well, I don't like this at all, but....too late now, I guess." Commercials.
When we return, the designers are headed to meet Michael Kors for model casting. Danzzz is still upset about Tim's reticence. I'm not sure what makes Michael the most competent mentor for model selection, but whatever. He tells them to make sure they want the models they select, rather than settling for someone they're not wild about. "Let's go girl shopping!", Danzzz says excitedly. Heh. It's no "dildo dress", but still. The model selection is boring. Chloe's on the lookout for curvy models with big chests. Danzzz wants fresh-faced girls who can balance sexyness with a lack of vulgarity. If I never hear the word "vulgar" on this show again, it'll be too soon. Santino wants confident, high-energy models. It looks like Emmett's model Shannon is trying out.
With three days until the runway show, the designers head to the workroom for model fittings. The three "original" models enter first. Danzzz whines to Rebecca about Tim's lack of help. Again, I understand his anxiety over this; Tim was certainly much more full of praise and advice during the previous challenges. Still. Move on. Tim enters as Grace whirls around in one of Chloe's dresses. Danzzz interviews again that Tim wasn't very vocal about his collection, but expects Tim to be blown away once he sees the clothes on a body. Tim examines the dress that Rebecca has put on, and still doesn't say much. Danzzz is on the verge of a breakdown now. He says he values Tim's input, and needs something to work with. Tim asks Rebecca how she likes the outfit, and she says she loves it. Tim hems and haws, then asks Rebecca to put another outfit on. She does, and Tim finally has some input, though I doubt very much it's the input Danzzz wanted to hear. Tim tells him that the outfits are very dependent on details, and Danzzz's clothing is having a lot of detail issues right now, like uneven hemlines and such. Santino interviews that if Danzzz doesn't recognize that his collection needs some work before the show, then he's really worried for him. Let me just repeat that last part. Santino is worried, because he thinks Danzzz isn't listening to the mentor's critiques. Yes. We have, in fact, wandered into a parallel universe. Tim tells everyone they have until midnight to wrap everything up. Here's where I'd be suspicious if I were a designer. It's three days to the show! Why would I need to have everything finished two days in advance? Danzzz continues to worry about Tim's attitude towards his stuff.
The designers go to a hair salon and describe to the stylist how the models' hair should be done. Zzzzzzzz. When they return, they have eight hours left, and Danzzz gets right on the million tiny things he still has to get done. Meanwhile, a lot of Chloe's models show up for fittings. She's glad, because she's got a lot of alterations to do. Danzzz manages to get a fitting or two done as well, but it looks like Santino's girls didn't show. He's pissed. I'd be pissed, too. Jesus, they already have, like, the easiest job in the world. How hard is it to show up for a fitting appointment that'll probably take twenty minutes at most? The designers head back to the hotel.
Two days to runway. Santino's shirt is blurred for some reason. Chloe, in a prophetic statement, says she's totally designed-out by this point, and won't be able to design another piece for a long time. Danzzz talks about the knot of anxiety forming in his stomach. Shortly after the designers enter the workroom, Tim and Heidi enter. Hey, where's her pregnant belly? Man, she dropped that post-baby weight fast. Her hair's long again, thank goodness. She gathers the designers. They know something's up, and are visibly worried about the shit bomb that they're convinced is about to fall. And fall it does. The three of them huddle together in a very adorable hug as Tim tells them they're not done yet. Heidi tells them they must create a thirteenth piece for the collection. Ouch. Chloe starts to cry. Danzzz wants to punch someone. Santino prays for a heart attack. I don't blame any of them. Tim tells them that they'll have some help on this challenge, and brings in all of the eliminated designers. It's clear they're not entirely certain what's going on, because when Tim tells them about the final challenge, they gasp, and Andrae gets a heartbreaking "those poor dears" look on his face. Zulema just kind of hangs around in the back, knowing that this is a colossal waste of her time, because no way in hell are they going to pick her. Heidi randomly picks names to see who chooses first. It's Danzzz. He selects Nick. All respect to Nick's talents, I think he did that because he felt guilty about what went down in "Makeover". Santino chooses Andrae, using the chance to do another Timpression. Yay! Chloe takes Diana. Aw. I'm totally surprised she didn't go for Kara. Looks like Kara's thinking that, too. The non-picked are led out. The designers have thirty minutes to think about their design, then $250 to shop with. All three of them are still kind of "what the hell is happening to me?" about it, so it takes them some time to get going. Commercials.
Danzzz tells Nick that he's got a lot of separate pieces as part of his main line, so he's not above making a very simple dress for the thirteenth piece. Good idea. We're reminded of one of Nick's less charming characteristics, as Danzzz cannot utter three words without Nick interrupting. It's annoying, but I can't be too harsh, because that's a bad habit of mine, too. I'm trying to vanquish it. It's difficult. Chloe decides to go for a baby doll dress. Diana's pleased to be helping her. Santino cannot come up with anything, so Andrae just throws a bunch of ideas at him to see if anything sticks. He's still unclear as they head out to go shopping. They've got an hour to shop. Tim starts to criticize a fabric choice of Chloe's, but she's pretty clear on what she wants by this point, and is in no mood for Tim right now. Heh. I love Tim, but the way she kind of shooed him away right there was funny. Santino's brain is still shut down. He can't bring himself to care about the thirteenth piece. Tim tells him he's overthinking the challenge, which he probably is. He interviews that at this point, he's on the verge of sending pasties and a maxipad down the runway. What, like he didn't come close to that when he was full of creative energy? I kid. I feel for all of the designers having to do this. Santino goes on to say that it's like a scene in the movies where a character looks up at the sky and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" He demonstrates. There are shots of the skyline, including that statue with the praying-type hands we've seen before. I can't believe they didn't have a shot of birds taking off. That's inexcusable.
Next week on Project Runway. Wait, what? Oh, I guess the episode's over. That was abrupt. Whatever. Next week on Project Runway: Danzzz's models aren't showing up. Chloe's ready to throttle Diana. Santino's freaking out. At the big show, Danzzz is missing a garment bag. One of Chloe's models is made up incorrectly. Andrae disappears on Santino. Lots and lots of clothes are shown. And finally, a winner will be chosen, helped along by guest judge Debra Messing. Whoa, I bet Chloe's regretting that urge to show curvy models now.
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on Project Runway: The final four designed evening gowns. Danzzz is "just straight up jealous" of the competitor he's currently pounding into the ground. Chloe's dress made Grace's ass appear huge. Danzzz won yet another challenge, and Kara failed to impress, making her the final designer cut. Then, sixteen designers reunited so that we could all learn a valuable lesson: Lupe is a crack whore. Three designers remain. Who will be "out" tonight? Well, nobody. OK, then. Who will win tonight? Nobody. OK, then. Who will pass an uneventful hour tonight?
Opening credits. At the words "drama has to happen", Andrae's head whips around. I guess his ears are burning.
No morning-after interviews this week, as we cut straight to the runway. Heidi congratulates the final three, and introduces the next challenge. The big one. The designers must design and create a twelve-piece line for Fashion Week. They'll have a few months and $8000 to complete their work. Heidi recaps the prizes which we just heard four seconds ago in the opening credits. And now for our final (I assume) Pointless Model Selection. Danzzz naturally sticks with Rebecca, so we must bid farewell to Eden. Heidi tells her she did a great job. Aw, damn. She was awesome. Heidi sends the designers back to the Atlas. She and Tim meet them on the roof, and toast the season and their success at Fashion Week.
Santino packs up and leaves, and Danzzz gets a dreamy smile on his face, like, "Finally!" Santino interviews that he's thrilled about being in the final three. He holds up three fingers and subtracts two for Chloe and Danzzz, so that only the middle one remains. Yep, you sure are the middle finger, Santino. Back at the Atlas, Danzzz vows to not underestimate Santino: "The arrogant prick is extremely talented." Hehe. He and Chloe pack up and hug good-bye. They wish each other luck.
Flash forward five months (7 weeks until Fashion Week). We're in Los Angeles, and Tim Gunn is going to visit Santino to check on his progress. Several beauty shots of the Saturn he's driving. Subtle. He pulls up to a lovely home with a brick driveway (with house-accessible garage), neatly trimmed lawn, and columns flanking the front door. He knocks on the door, and Santino welcomes him in. Tim asks him what the theme of his collection is. Santino says it's 1940s glamour Hollywood boudoir publicity still. Damn, that's a lot of qualifiers. It'd probably have been faster to ask what his theme isn't. He shows Tim a dress that he says he gets a rock and roll feel from. Because we all know how big rock and roll was in the 1940s. The dress is multicolored and pleated, and is quite pretty, though I don't love the fur thing draped on the shoulder. Tim is very pleased with Santino's progress. They leave to wander around the neighborhood together. Santino interviews that he's quit his job designing for a friend's label, and is pretty much broke. Wow, maybe I should quit my job and go broke, too. That'll apparently allow me to live in a well-manicured, two-story Hollywood home. He goes on to talk about how hard it was to pick up and move to a strange town all by himself. That, I'll certainly buy. He's from St. Charles, Missouri, which he describes as a relatively small town. Guys? St. Charles is booming. It's a suburb of St. Louis, and is off to the west, which is where the most affluent suburbs are. It was no doubt smaller when he was a kid, but he's acting like he fought his way out of Podunk, where all there is to do is sit outside the general store or skip rocks down at the ol' fishin' hole.
We segue into the hard-luck Santino story. There are pictures of him as a kid. His features haven't changed much at all. He says he designed a line a few years ago that fell apart, and pretty much left him homeless. He needed help, and was embarrassed about his circumstances. He knows he comes across as arrogant, but admits that he's majorly insecure; that every unkind thing we, the public think about him, he thinks about himself. Well, if he knows he's insecure, and he's as self-critical as he says, why does he feel the need to be such a dillhole all the time? Don't most horribly insecure people swing the other way into excessive niceness, so that they get approval from everyone around them? What does he hope to accomplish by fighting everyone? He tells Tim he got help from his friend Tony and Tony's wife. Tim is very supportive, and there's a romantic shot of the two of them silhouetted against the sunset, as seagulls take off into the sky. It's almost like they're on a date. Santino takes Tim to meet Tony, who he says is an accomplished model and photographer. I don't recognize him, but apparently, he's Tony Ward, who did a bunch of work with Madonna. I suggest you don't Google for pictures of him unless you want to see some penis. Tim and Santino settle into dinner with Tony, his wife, and his adorable daughters, and Santino lets them in on the fact that he's made the final three. Everyone's happy. Santino interviews that he sees people give up their dreams every day, and that he'll never do that. Well, that's admirable. Commercials.
New York City. It's now the next week, and Tim is visiting Danzzz. There's a Christmas wreath on the door (and there was a Christmas tree back in Tony's place), so Fashion Week must be in late January or early February. Hang on, this is weird... OK, I'm back. Fashion Week was from February 3rd to February 10th. So what we're seeing tonight was only filmed about two and a half weeks ago. Speedy editors. Anyway. Danzzz has gotten a haircut. He interviews that he extremely pleased with the way with his collection's going. He's blending military style with Japanese culture. He describes some of his pieces with great pride. Maybe even a touch of excessive pride, though I'm not quite sure. Tim is happy with where Danzzz is, but warns him to not neglect several finishing touches (hemlines, buttons, etc.) or be too safe in his design. Danzzz agrees with him, and the two of them take off to buy Danzzz some clothing for Fashion Week. Another date! Tim's the belle of the ball. In the store, Danzzz says he'd like to get a blazer. Tim asks him if he wants to call Nick. Ouch! That was low, Tim. And pretty damn funny.
Danzzz's origin story. He grew up in a small town in Michigan. Now, is it a real small town or a St. Charles "small town"? We see pictures of him in his youth as he talks about how tough it is to grow up and be labeled a fag. No arguments here. He talks about how supportive his family was when he came out, and how it allowed him to concentrate on the other details of his life. Well, that's nice. Danzzz buys a blazer. He loves his life. Huzzah.
Houston, Texas. Another week has gone by. More Saturn beauty shots. The car, that is. Not the planet. Although that's awfully pretty, too. Tim knocks on Chloe's door. She opens the door with a huge grin on her face and hugs Tim. Her mom, standing behind her, has a face like "Get this camera crew and their muddy feet out of here!" Tim asks for a tour of the house. First stop - the living room, which has pictures of Chloe and her seven sisters. SEVEN SISTERS! They're all pretty. And they're all in their thirties. No wonder her mom didn't look too thrilled. She's probably still in pain. All of the girls still live in Houston, which is awesome. I always wish I still lived in the same city as my sister. I can't imagine having seven of them to hang out with. And not only that, but Chloe was born in Laos, right around the time the Vietnam war was starting up. As their family tried to leave, they got caught, and were sent to family prison for a few years. FAMILY PRISON!!! Kind of puts Danzzz and Santino's problems to shame, doesn't it?
Chloe takes Tim into her workroom. He asks about her line's concept, and she says that there's not really one unifying theme. She interviews that she's not completely sure what her line's going to be like yet. What has she been doing for five and a half months? She shows Tim a green print dress that's pretty, but simple. Tim's a bit perplexed. He asks to see sketches of the rest of the line, and she tells him she doesn't use sketches. Tim's openly disturbed now. He really wants to know how Chloe is progressing, and from what it looks like right now, she's not. That night, all of Chloe's sisters come over, along with their attending husbands and children. Aw! After visiting with them for a while, Tim says good-bye, and takes his leave. Chloe interviews that she has a lot of work to do. Commercials.
New York City. Five days to the runway show. Danzzz arrives at a hotel, and the doorman asks how his trip was. Danzzz says that his trip from uptown was fine. Hee. He interviews that he's been working non-stop, but still isn't finished. He's excited to be showing, and shows off a purse he's made. It's got gigantic wooden handles. I don't like it at all, but I don't like a lot of stuff that attains the status "high fashion", so my opinion probably doesn't mean much. He thinks he's got a very good chance of winning, and squeals over his collection. I'd be proud, too, if I did this much work, but in the world of reality TV, he's inviting disaster. Chloe arrives at the airport. She says that Tim was justifiably nervous about her collection, but she got it done, and is pleased with it. She's also exhausted, saying she hasn't slept in days. She knows that her "passion" has been questioned, but defends herself, and says that winning would be great validation as a designer. She gets to the hotel and hugs Danzzz.
Santino arrives at the airport. He says he's nervous, not about his collection, but because the show has started airing, so now Chloe and Danzzz will have heard all the shit he's been talking. Indeed, back at the hotel, Chloe says that she's glad she gets to talk to Danzzz before Santino gets there. They talk about the things Santino said behind the scenes, and how it still gnaws at them now. Santino gets to the hotel, and Danzzz "jokingly" tells him he's in the wrong room. They make awkward small talk, mostly about how fast the time has flown by. Santino says that it's been hard to watch the show and read all the blogs that trash him. If you see this, Santino...hi! I don't take back anything, but I'm fairly sure you'd be fun to hang out with! Let me know if you ever come back to visit the folks - we'll get a beer. He interviews that he'll certainly think twice from now on before he opens his mouth. He talks to Chloe about how the show has made him look like an asshole, and Chloe points out that it might be because he said assholish things. Go figure. Danzzz agrees that Santino might have gotten a raw deal as far as editing goes, but that he's made his bed, and now he gets to lie in it. Well handled.
Four days to the runway show. Danzzz questions how sincere Santino's vow to be nicer is. The three designers leave their hotel, and arrive at a brighter, fancier workroom than they had at Parson's. Everyone starts hanging up their work. I'd have put all my stuff in black garment bags. Keep everyone guessing. Danzzz interviews that they all started surreptitiously glancing at each other's stuff. He was most curious to see Santino's, as he may have been pulling a "dildo dress" out of his bag. Hahahahahaha!!!! That is so great. I'm putting Dildo Dress on my Awesome Band Names list. Santino interviews that Chloe's collection looked like a couch was coming at him. Elapsed Time To Collapse Of Kinder, Gentler Santino: one minute. Impressive. Tim enters, greets everyone, and asks them to gather around. I don't know why the gathering was necessary, because all Tim really says is that he wants to look at their collections. Santino's up first. It's looking good. Tim's impressed. Chloe's stuff is different than I thought it'd be. There's a poofy dress, and the colors she used are a lot shinier than the ones she usually goes for. Still, she's coming along nicely. Finally, Danzzz. He interviews again how much he likes his collection and expects Tim to love it too. Seriously, enough with that. Danzzz shows him several pieces. Tim is just staring at the clothes, not saying much at all, though he does mention that he's not wild about the handbags. Danzzz openly tells Tim that this is the least amount of feedback that he's ever gotten, and Tim verrrrrrrry slowly says that he's waiting to see how the pieces look on the models. Danzzz interviews that he's kind of offended at Tim's attitude. If he's offended because Tim didn't offer any advice or useful criticism, I can totally understand where he's coming from. If he's offended because Tim doesn't like his collection as much as Danzzz feels he should, he needs to shut up. It looks to me like Tim really disliked a lot about it, but was trying to avoid saying something like "Well, I don't like this at all, but....too late now, I guess." Commercials.
When we return, the designers are headed to meet Michael Kors for model casting. Danzzz is still upset about Tim's reticence. I'm not sure what makes Michael the most competent mentor for model selection, but whatever. He tells them to make sure they want the models they select, rather than settling for someone they're not wild about. "Let's go girl shopping!", Danzzz says excitedly. Heh. It's no "dildo dress", but still. The model selection is boring. Chloe's on the lookout for curvy models with big chests. Danzzz wants fresh-faced girls who can balance sexyness with a lack of vulgarity. If I never hear the word "vulgar" on this show again, it'll be too soon. Santino wants confident, high-energy models. It looks like Emmett's model Shannon is trying out.
With three days until the runway show, the designers head to the workroom for model fittings. The three "original" models enter first. Danzzz whines to Rebecca about Tim's lack of help. Again, I understand his anxiety over this; Tim was certainly much more full of praise and advice during the previous challenges. Still. Move on. Tim enters as Grace whirls around in one of Chloe's dresses. Danzzz interviews again that Tim wasn't very vocal about his collection, but expects Tim to be blown away once he sees the clothes on a body. Tim examines the dress that Rebecca has put on, and still doesn't say much. Danzzz is on the verge of a breakdown now. He says he values Tim's input, and needs something to work with. Tim asks Rebecca how she likes the outfit, and she says she loves it. Tim hems and haws, then asks Rebecca to put another outfit on. She does, and Tim finally has some input, though I doubt very much it's the input Danzzz wanted to hear. Tim tells him that the outfits are very dependent on details, and Danzzz's clothing is having a lot of detail issues right now, like uneven hemlines and such. Santino interviews that if Danzzz doesn't recognize that his collection needs some work before the show, then he's really worried for him. Let me just repeat that last part. Santino is worried, because he thinks Danzzz isn't listening to the mentor's critiques. Yes. We have, in fact, wandered into a parallel universe. Tim tells everyone they have until midnight to wrap everything up. Here's where I'd be suspicious if I were a designer. It's three days to the show! Why would I need to have everything finished two days in advance? Danzzz continues to worry about Tim's attitude towards his stuff.
The designers go to a hair salon and describe to the stylist how the models' hair should be done. Zzzzzzzz. When they return, they have eight hours left, and Danzzz gets right on the million tiny things he still has to get done. Meanwhile, a lot of Chloe's models show up for fittings. She's glad, because she's got a lot of alterations to do. Danzzz manages to get a fitting or two done as well, but it looks like Santino's girls didn't show. He's pissed. I'd be pissed, too. Jesus, they already have, like, the easiest job in the world. How hard is it to show up for a fitting appointment that'll probably take twenty minutes at most? The designers head back to the hotel.
Two days to runway. Santino's shirt is blurred for some reason. Chloe, in a prophetic statement, says she's totally designed-out by this point, and won't be able to design another piece for a long time. Danzzz talks about the knot of anxiety forming in his stomach. Shortly after the designers enter the workroom, Tim and Heidi enter. Hey, where's her pregnant belly? Man, she dropped that post-baby weight fast. Her hair's long again, thank goodness. She gathers the designers. They know something's up, and are visibly worried about the shit bomb that they're convinced is about to fall. And fall it does. The three of them huddle together in a very adorable hug as Tim tells them they're not done yet. Heidi tells them they must create a thirteenth piece for the collection. Ouch. Chloe starts to cry. Danzzz wants to punch someone. Santino prays for a heart attack. I don't blame any of them. Tim tells them that they'll have some help on this challenge, and brings in all of the eliminated designers. It's clear they're not entirely certain what's going on, because when Tim tells them about the final challenge, they gasp, and Andrae gets a heartbreaking "those poor dears" look on his face. Zulema just kind of hangs around in the back, knowing that this is a colossal waste of her time, because no way in hell are they going to pick her. Heidi randomly picks names to see who chooses first. It's Danzzz. He selects Nick. All respect to Nick's talents, I think he did that because he felt guilty about what went down in "Makeover". Santino chooses Andrae, using the chance to do another Timpression. Yay! Chloe takes Diana. Aw. I'm totally surprised she didn't go for Kara. Looks like Kara's thinking that, too. The non-picked are led out. The designers have thirty minutes to think about their design, then $250 to shop with. All three of them are still kind of "what the hell is happening to me?" about it, so it takes them some time to get going. Commercials.
Danzzz tells Nick that he's got a lot of separate pieces as part of his main line, so he's not above making a very simple dress for the thirteenth piece. Good idea. We're reminded of one of Nick's less charming characteristics, as Danzzz cannot utter three words without Nick interrupting. It's annoying, but I can't be too harsh, because that's a bad habit of mine, too. I'm trying to vanquish it. It's difficult. Chloe decides to go for a baby doll dress. Diana's pleased to be helping her. Santino cannot come up with anything, so Andrae just throws a bunch of ideas at him to see if anything sticks. He's still unclear as they head out to go shopping. They've got an hour to shop. Tim starts to criticize a fabric choice of Chloe's, but she's pretty clear on what she wants by this point, and is in no mood for Tim right now. Heh. I love Tim, but the way she kind of shooed him away right there was funny. Santino's brain is still shut down. He can't bring himself to care about the thirteenth piece. Tim tells him he's overthinking the challenge, which he probably is. He interviews that at this point, he's on the verge of sending pasties and a maxipad down the runway. What, like he didn't come close to that when he was full of creative energy? I kid. I feel for all of the designers having to do this. Santino goes on to say that it's like a scene in the movies where a character looks up at the sky and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" He demonstrates. There are shots of the skyline, including that statue with the praying-type hands we've seen before. I can't believe they didn't have a shot of birds taking off. That's inexcusable.
Next week on Project Runway. Wait, what? Oh, I guess the episode's over. That was abrupt. Whatever. Next week on Project Runway: Danzzz's models aren't showing up. Chloe's ready to throttle Diana. Santino's freaking out. At the big show, Danzzz is missing a garment bag. One of Chloe's models is made up incorrectly. Andrae disappears on Santino. Lots and lots of clothes are shown. And finally, a winner will be chosen, helped along by guest judge Debra Messing. Whoa, I bet Chloe's regretting that urge to show curvy models now.
Overall Grade: C+
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