The Girl Who Kissed A Male Model

America's Next Top Model - Season 6, Episode 5

Tonight's all about the poses. In a modeling competition? Shut the fuck up! First, a double team of Janice and Fugly Lisa educate the girls on editorial poses versus commercial poses. Janice totally plays Gina like a violin, tricking her into trashing Jade, then yelling at her for it. Awesome. Speaking of Gina, she continues her uninterrupted reign of sucking, but now she's got a handy excuse: Jade. Jade is mean to her, so that must be why Gina's not performing well in the competition. Wow, I didn't know Jade had the power to make other people ugly and stupid. That's uncanny.

The first challenge is a quick change and "commercial" pose representing each of the four seasons. Gina and Brooke are horrible as always. Sarah and Nnenna are terrific, the latter winning the challenge. What does she win? A bunch of clothes from Sears. Um, nice. Later, we get a tiresome Tyra-as-Oprah moment which are coming fast and furious these days. She asks the girls what they'd like to do once modeling is out of the picture. Funniest answer awarded to Jade, for her wish to be a kindergarten teacher. Danielle is completely hilarious throughout the entire episode, but wins the most points for vowing to home-school her child before she ever lets him/her set foot in Jade's classroom. She's fast becoming my favorite contestant. Turns out the photo shoot is the girls styled as if they were the careers they outlined for Tyra. Plus, they get a delightful accessory. Male models. Hands off Skyler; he's totally mine. Nnenna, having issues with a clingy boyfriend at home, seizes the opportunity to lip lock her companion at the end of her shoot. I'm sure that'll end well for her.

As far as photos go, Joanie kills it as a stay-at-home mom. She's a sleeper, that one. There are strong showings from Leslie, Danielle, Sara, and Furonda as well. On the other end are.... Guess. Go on. If you chose Gina and Brooke, go to the head of the class. Brooke may be ugly, but she's got some potential. Yes, it's Gina, who had absolutely no business being in this competition anyway, who finally gets her walking papers. Bout damn time.

Overall Grade: B

Nasty Delights

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs competed in challenges having to do with presentation. Cynthia got some distressing news regarding her father's health. The first challenge was the fruit plate Quickfire, presided over by the Goddess of Everything Good and Pure. Despite some impressive efforts on several people's parts, Stephen's was judged the best, due to his use of the ancient art of Putting Things In A Different Container Than Usual. Later, in the Elimination Challenge, the chefs were asked to create a sexy dessert to serve at a fetish party. Several of the chefs couldn't touch "sexy" with a 10-inch dildo. Tiffani and Lee Anne had a spat about the "rules", which came to naught, as neither of their entries was judged that good or that bad. In the end, Miguel pulled out the win, as much for his personality as his food. You'll note that none of the other chefs object to the win on these terms. Keep that in mind for tonight. At the bottom of the heap were Cynthia and Andrea, and though Cynthia continues to be a whirling mass of chaos, Andrea's poor presentation skills got her a ticket back to the commune. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. It's apparently always sunny and bright there. Except when I visit. Boo! At the IHOF, Brian interviews that while he's pleased to have been in the top three last week, he's sorry to see Andrea go. Because she's such a nice person or a talented chef? Heavens, no. It's because all that yoga has given her a slammin' body. Sigh. He's not going to be one of those people, is he? Like Eric and Jeremy over on The Amazing Race? I'm not sure I can take any more. One or two more like them, and the shows I watch will have more tools than Home Depot. Dave interviews (as diplomatically as he can) that he basically hates Brian's guts. Also, I should point out that in all of Brian's interviews tonight, he's wearing aggressively ugly clothes. There's a checked-pattern blazer that's so loud, I have to turn the TV down. That blazer looks almost exactly like the one I wore as Mr. MacAfee in my high school musical to look as tragically unhip as possible. Under that, he's wearing a mustard yellow T-shirt with a brick red collar line. His outfit is so ugly, it's distracting, and I'm forced to rewind several times to catch what he's saying. Candice blahs something about being the youngest competitor. Cynthia receives more bad news about her ailing father.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs file in. A couple of them interview about the nasty smell pervading the kitchen, emanating from some covered dishes. KatieBot enters and introduces this week's guest judge, Laurent Manrique. That's totally going to be my porn name if I ever have occasion to need one. He's the chef/owner of a seafood restaurant, and is frankly adorable. KatieBot introduces the theme of the week, nasty delights (essentially, taking unappetizing ingredients and turning them into appetizing dishes), and tells the chefs to remove the lids. Octopus! Raw octopus. Now, I love octopus, as long as it's not rubbery. But raw octopus? Yeah, not tantalizing. A couple of chefs interview about how they haven't really worked with octopus before. The chefs have an hour to create a dish out of octopus to impress Laurent. So, a blatant ripoff of Iron Chef? Got it. Winner has immunity as always. KatieBot starts the clock.

Tiffani interviews that she's worked with octopus, and thus knows that the time constraint on this challenge is a particularly difficult one. I'll take her word for it. She's going to do something Mediterranean to "honor" the octopus' origins. Stephen has a smarmy interview (and seriously - still looking for a shortcut for that) in which he says he's going to incorporate alcohol as usual, though he calls them "spirits", because he's a snob. Several of the chefs appear to be making up their dishes as they go along. Miguel interviews that good chefs need to be able to think on their feet; to anticipate surprise. I suppose that's true, but they have these neat things nowadays called menus that really help guide the customers. Time's up.

Let's go down the line. Tiffani. She's made seasoned tomato succo with octopus frit (I can tell we're going to need a Pretentious Chef to English dictionary for this show - this one is fried octopus in tomato juice), and angel hair pasta that's been braised in red wine and topped with cold octopus. I have to say it looks really, really good. Tiffani is very polite and deferential to Laurent. Stephen has made a octopus tentacle duet. We never really hear how he's prepared the tentacles, because that would cut into yet another smarmy interview about how he thinks he's got the challenge in the bag. Lisa has made a simple braised octopus, flavored with orange juice. I should mention that every time a chef presents his/her dish, there are shots of other chefs looking dismissive. Either that or everyone's in some sort of unexplained intestinal pain. Cynthia has made octopus in tarragon with whiskey sauce. Interesting. She shares with us (and impresses Laurent at the same time) that she put a cork in the water as she cooked, which makes the octopus less rubbery. Write that down, aspiring chefs! Dave has made marinated/grilled Chinese five spice octopus cooked down in some white wine. Harold has poached the octopus in...acid? Is that what he said? Then he grilled it with some lentils. Looks good. Lee Anne has made citrus poached octopus on a bed of saffron and tomatoes. Mmm...saffron. She hasn't used much of the octopus, and Laurent asks her what she did with the rest. She says she'll deep fry it. Good stuff. Brian has just made a creamy stew and used the octopus as garnish, which doesn't really seem in the spirit of the challenge to me, but whatever. Candice has made sweet and spicy curry (which she pronounces cur-REE), and incorporated the octopus into it. Miguel has used red wine and citrus to braise the octopus. Laurent asks him why he used red as opposed to white, and Miguel says it's because red helps cut out a lot of the fishy flavor. Hey, I like fishy flavor! Why eat fish if you don't?

Laurent says he's impressed with a lot of the dishes the chefs have come up with, citing the difficulty of using octopus. He didn't like that Cynthia and Dave neglected to season everything, saying that the use of salt and pepper is extremely basic when using ingredients like these. Dave agrees in an interview, attributing the omission to him being flustered. Understandable that people are overthinking their dishes a bit. Tiffani, Lee Anne, Stephen, and Miguel impressed Laurent the most. These four have been at the top a lot in the past three weeks. They're the ones to watch. Ultimately, the winner is Tiffani. Judging solely on what sounds good to me, I'd have to agree. She's fairly graceless about it in an interview. So Tiffani will have immunity after the Elimination Challenge, which KatieBot now introduces.

It's important that we get the first words out of KatieBot's mouth (or the speaker installed there) verbatim: THIS. CHALLENGE. WILL. TEST. YOUR. ABILITY. TO. CATER. TO. YOUR. CLIENTS'. TASTES. Get that? That means if the client wants rack of lamb, that's what you make. If all they want is peanut butter and jelly, then you go make the best damn peanut butter and jelly of all time. The chefs will be divided into red and blue teams again. Each team must devise a meal around another visually unappealing ingredient: monkfish. The meal will be presented at 2 PM the following day to 40 very demanding clients - kids! Yes, the diners will all be between eight and twelve years old. Candice is nervous. Tiffani says she doesn't want to be judged by ten-year-olds, because they all know what they want already. Well, yes, I imagine some ten-year-olds have very restrictive diets. As do some adults. When I was ten, my parents made me try all sorts of different foods, and so I like a broad range of them now. I'm not getting where the magical crossing-over point Tiffani assigns to these kids is located, when it seems fairly obvious that kids' diets are no more alike than anyone else's.

The chefs draw knives for teams. Lisa is more confident in this challenge than the other ones, because she has an eight-year-old and a nine-year-old at home. She feels she knows what the kids will like. The blue team will be Brian, Lee Anne, Harold, Tiffani, and Dave. You'll note three of the five of them have won challenges previously. The red team will be Candice, Lisa, Stephen, Cynthia, and Miguel. There are two challenge winners on this team, and the other three have been judged the bottom of the barrel in previous weeks. Stephen has a smarmy interview in which he basically says that Candice sucks. The teams have thirty minutes to plan, and then two team members will go shopping for supplies. Lisa already has strong ideas about what to do, namely: finger food with dipping sauce. Can't go wrong with that. Stephen interviews that he doesn't like this challenge, because cooking for kids isn't all that difficult. I'll pause here so that anyone with children can have a good laugh. Done? OK. Over on the blue team, Brian comes up with a suggestion for mashed yams that nobody else is really wild about. He comes up with another idea for mac and cheese in a baked potato that is also shot down. He interviews that he felt left out of the team's decisions. While I'd argue that it's not like the team blew him off, but rather gave him reasoned responses to why such-and-such wouldn't work, it does look a bit like Dave is looking for an excuse to negate his ideas. Brian picks up on the same thing and makes it known that he at least tried to contribute.

Back at the red team, Lisa is outlining more things that kids like, and Stephen interrupts to say that they shouldn't have any side dishes; just monkfish. For the whole meal? No. Lisa duhs that you don't need to be all sophisticated when cooking for kids. You just need to make it appealing, which is the entire point of the challenge. Stephen makes some more dumb suggestions before the rest of his team is like "Whatever, dude" and decides to ignore him. Yeah, I'd say a cook like Stephen, who appears to work entirely in smoke and mirrors to make food look more impressive than it really is, would be shot down in a second by kids. They're not impressed with fancy, foreign names. They don't care about your braising methods. Miguel suggests making a sort of corndog with the monkfish, and calling them Monkey Dogs. Now that is clever. Miguel is very smart about adhering to the challenge's parameters. In the blue team's huddle, Brian suggests making candied carrots, and everyone seems fine with that. They also come up with the idea to coat monkfish in cereal and fry it into nuggets. Smart. Cynthia tells the red team she has to take off for a minute, and goes outside to take a phone call from her cousin. The news isn't good. Her father is slipping away quickly, and her cousin is like "I don't want to tell you that you have to come home, but if you want to see him, now's the time." This is awful. She cries and says that she needs to go home; that she doesn't care about the competition anymore.

Commercials. Corn-fueled cars? Sure, if you say so.

Cynthia goes back inside and gathers all the chefs. She tells them about her father and that she'll be withdrawing from the competition. She hugs everyone. Lee Anne interviews about how talented and wonderful Cynthia is. I don't know when it happened, but I feel my allegiance sliding from Harold to Lee Anne. Dave is sorry to see her go. Candice cries, which the previews made look like was a result of a fight Candice had, so fuck you, editors. Fuck you up your insensitive asses. Everyone shouts encouragement and good-byes as she leaves, except Stephen of course, because his only emotion is self-satisfaction. The editing makes it look like he's anxious to get back to the monkfish challenge, even before the doors have closed behind Cynthia, but it looks like that's been patched together solely to make him look more hateful. You really don't need to do that, show. Just give him enough rope. The teams do eventually get back to the task at hand. Lisa and Candice volunteer to shop for the red team. Dave and Lee Anne volunteer for the blue team.

And here we are at the store. They have $150 and half an hour to shop for supplies. Miguel and Stephen call Candice to bug her about picking up wine. She points out that they can't really serve wine to kids. They say it's for the house. Lisa shuts that down in a second, telling Candice that they're wasting her time and to hang up. Awesome. I want to hang out with Lisa and have her deal with all the obnoxious people I encounter. I had a roommate in college who was perfect at this. Her name was Honey. No, really. And sweet as that sounds, she's the one we sicced on the utility companies when there was a problem, because she was vicious. Anyway. Candice interviews that Stephen sucks. Stephen interviews that the shoppers suck, because they're "taking so long". Half an hour is a long time for shopping? Shut up, Stephen. Lee Anne is pleased with the blue team's shopping expedition.

Everyone returns to the Kitchen. Candice presents some cookie cutters that they've picked up, suggesting that they make shapes for a little extra creativity. Stephen tells her that it's a childish idea. Hahahahaha! See? You don't need to edit Stephen creatively. He's derisive of a childish idea when cooking for ten-year-olds. Candice looks up with an expression of disbelief and says basically that. Hehehe. I almost pity him. Almost. Because she didn't fold instantly, Stephen goes on the attack. The fight is on! Stephen tells her that unlike her, he has standards - "obviously". She still doesn't back down. Stephen smarmily interviews that he's less than a year older than Candice but so much more mature. Candice throws the "obviously" back in his face to call Stephen a tool and a douchebag. I know that in my blurblet, I said that they both suck in this fight (and they sort of do, which we'll get to in a second). I also know that I've been very hard on Candice these past couple of weeks (which I do not retract). However? In that moment? CANDICE IS MY HERO. He tells her that she's going to fail. Harold interviews that Stephen picking on Candice was distasteful to him. I don't know, Harold, it looks like she's pretty able to stand up for herself, here. Stephen points to the logo on his chest and says "The competition is called Top Chef. Do you know how to read?". What's hilarious about this is that he traces the logo backwards, so it looks like he thinks the competition is really called Fehc Pot. Tragically, Candice doesn't note this. She just sarcastically mouths off to him some more. He blusters some more about not accepting mediocrity, and she tells him to get over himself. MY HERO. Miguel tries to break it up, addressing them as "yous two". Ha! Lisa also wants them to shut up and get to work. Candice interviews that she's never been talked to like that. "How dare Stephen try to downsize me," she complains. Whoops, there went that hero status. Downsize? The fuck? Lisa tells her to get back to concentrating on the challenge.

Night falls, and then dawn breaks at the IHOF. Lisa interviews that Candice is still upset about the fight. She rightly points out that if they lose the challenge because of this, Lisa herself is the one who's going to look bad, given what an expert in children's cuisine she's claimed to be. Stephen aims for condescending, but lands closer to dumbass in an interview, saying that "If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, you should probably remove yourself." Yes, and as I always say: "The moss-accumulating abilities of a rock in motion are tenuous at best." I love how he thinks he's a genius, yet can't handle the simplest of metaphors. Brian tells us that someone's getting eliminated today. Really? Shocker. At the Kitchen, we hear the plans of each team. The blue team will serve monkfish nuggets, cheesy tater tots, strawberry applesauce, and maple carrots. The red team will serve monkfish corn dogs, potato chips, fruit skewers, and yogurt dipping sauce. So, pretty similar menus. KatieBot enters. She says that the red team is one person down, so she's brought someone along to fill the void. Lee Anne think it might be Tom. Um, no. Something tells me that might make the judging difficult. Lisa just prays it won't be Ken. Hahaha! I hear you, sister. Nope. It's Andrea, who's been put back in the competition. Fair enough. They have to fill a certain episode number, after all, so it's either this or have a non-elimination round, which would be boring. She interviews that everyone was happy to see her except Stephen. Well, sure. The only person Stephen likes resides in the bathroom mirror.

Everyone's got two hours to finish up. Andrea gets right to work. Lisa is thrilled. Brian begins to make his maple glazed carrots while he interviews that the Boys and Girls Club (where the lunch will be held) means a lot to him. He was involved heavily with them in his childhood. Well, sure. He's a black man on TV. Of course he has an absent father! Fucking "reality" shows. Now, a very telling scene. Tiffani tries the carrots, and is not pleased. Harold asks her how they are, and she says they're nasty. Harold shrugs it off, saying that hey, who cares if they suck? They're just serving them to kids. Tiffani agrees. Yeah. It'd be pretty hypocritical of me to pretend I'm all gung-ho about children, but at the very least, I don't patronize them. Shitty food is shitty food, and it's not like they're not going to realize that food tastes bad just because they're young. For all the talk later about food vs. entertainment, this little exchange, right here, is really what's fundamentally wrong with the blue team. Harold interviews that he didn't tell Brian that his carrots sucked.

Tom checks in. Candice tells him the red team is making a honey/yogurt vanilla dip. Tom sort of bitchily asks if kids like yogurt. Um, why wouldn't they? Besides, she just said they're making it with honey. I'm sure that'll help it along. He tries one of the Monkey Dogs, and doesn't really give any feedback on it. He asks if the red team has a captain, and everyone indicates Lisa, due to her mad phat mothering skillz. That puts her in a dangerous position, game-wise, but she seems confident. Harold and Lee Anne tell Tom the blue team is going to bake their nuggets instead of frying them. Harold interviews that he really looks up to Tom. OK, then. Dave is wearing a Japanese-looking bandana on his head. Whatever. Tom also asks the blue team if they have a leader. I can almost swear that in background, we can hear a female voice say "Dave", but in the foreground, they tell Tom that there is no leader - that all decisions are made by consensus. Tiffani gives him the strawberry applesauce to try, and he non-sequiturs into the fact that the red team is using food coloring. Tiffani tells him that food coloring is unnecessary. Tom leaves. People cook. Miguel yells at his food to fry faster. Hee. More frantic cooking. Stephen delusionally takes credit for other people's ideas. Time's up.

Commercials. I'm still loving that Hanes dodgeball players commercial. What can I say? I'm an easy mark.

Everyone arrives at the Boys and Girls Club. Dave hopes they can make monkfish appeal to children. Tiffani wants to show the kids that food can just be food. It doesn't have to be bright pink or whatever to be appealing. Well, she's right on substance, but do you really want to test that theory in the middle of a challenge? I like food to be food, too, but if I were a kid, and you told me your food makes me spit bright green? I'd be enraptured. The teams set up. The red team is still sort of sniping at each other. Stephen tries to get them to concentrate by telling them to shut up. Yeah, that'll work. Even Miguel (who seems to be the only contestant who can stand Stephen generally) interviews that Stephen's attitude sucks. Lee Anne interviews that the blue team worked much more cohesively. Just then, Stephen knocks a tray of food onto the floor. Does he take responsibility? Does he apologize? Does he rethink all of those interviews about how superior he is to everyone else? Come on. Are you new here? His team members don't make a big deal out of it, which surprises me.

KatieBot welcomes everyone. Tiffani has a little star sticker on her face, because she's so darn kid-friendly! The entire challenge is explained again, because we're stupid. The kids come screaming in. And I do mean screaming. It's my experience that kids don't really do that unless expressly told to, so there you go. It has its desired effect. The chefs look terrified. KatieBot tries to charm the kids. It goes about as well as you'd think. DOES. ANYBODY. LIKE. PIZZA? WHAT. ABOUT. HAMBURGERS? WHAT. ABOUT. FISH? Of course, pizza and hamburgers get raves. Fish? Not so much. A terrific groan goes up. The chefs look like they're searching for the nearest window to jump out of. KatieBot asks the kids if they'd like to see what a monkfish looks like. Tom brings it in, and it's unveiled in all its hideous glory. Hehehehe. The kids freak out. One little girl looks particularly stricken, and it's awesome. Tiffani interviews that she wasn't thrilled to see that, because kids are really impressionable. Lunch is served. We hear the menus all over again. Got it, thanks.

Everyone starts eating, and the kids are really getting into the food. So much for being impressionable doofs, huh, Tiffani? She gleefully points out the kids being unimpressed by Stephen's blather, and I am totally with her on that one. He gives them the french name for potato chip. They're pretty much "thanks, you can go now". We hear again how much the challenge means to Brian, because of his history with the club. Really, show. I do have ears, and the semblance of a memory. The chefs check in with the kids to see how they like everything. Things are going fine for both teams. Miguel interviews that kids need to be entertained as part of the whole enjoyable eating experience. He leads them in a chant of "Red! Red! Red!". Candice and Lisa join in. Meanwhile, Brian is trying to win them over to the blue team while Tiffani and Harold stand back and ignore them. He is overpowered by Miguel's fans. Harold tells Tiffani (and Stephen, who's on the opposing team) that it sucks that someone's going to be sent home because of these "shenanigans". Shenanigans? Thanks, grandpa. I see what he's saying, but I really doubt that a kid that truly preferred the blue team's food would switch their vote, just because they enjoy screaming "Red!" so much. Tiffani interviews that trying to get the kids to vote for them through "the monkfish interpretive dance" (OK, got to give her a "heh" on that one) was patronizing, and overall disrespectful to kids.

The judges come in and talk to the kids. Laurent looks delighted to be interacting with them. I have decided to make him mine. A lot of the kids like both of the teams' food, and have trouble telling the judges which they prefer. One girl disdains the carrots because they're soft. I haven't mentioned my hatred for carrots (especially mushy cooked ones, which literally make me want to throw up), but yeah. Maple syrup or not, they look nasty. The judges take a vote. The red team gets 23 votes, and the blue team gets 14. Looks like we have some abstainers. The red team celebrates. Well, everyone except Stephen celebrates. Lisa is particularly happy, for obvious reasons. Stephen interviews that he doesn't care about winning, because had they lost, it would have been someone else to go. Putting aside his naked self-importance, I wonder if that's true or not. Lisa would certainly be in a precarious position, but it's not like Stephen really contributed much to this challenge.

Here's where we start getting into the sticky area. Harold interviews that the kids didn't really give a crap what they ate; it was just that they were more entertained by Miguel than they were by the blue team. Think Harold would think the same thing about Brian had the blue team won? I doubt it. I think that if they'd won, it'd naturally be because they had superior food, but he can't accept that the red team may have beaten them in that area, so it must be because the kids are so fickle. I admit that it's just the impulse I have, but if true, Harold's a pretty shitty excuse for a chef. It gets worse. Tiffani interviews that they were cooking for kids who don't have a palate; all they know is greasy, salty, sugary foods. Remember two minutes ago when she accused the other team of patronizing kids? Of painting them all with a broad generalization that she felt was unfair to them? Clearly she doesn't. As with Harold, naturally she couldn't have been the one to do anything wrong. Kids are all the same; uncultured brats who eat at McDonald's. I remember being peeved when seeing this on first viewing, and now I'm actually exceedingly angry about it. How dare that bitch try to pawn off her loss on the very client she was supposed to be trying to please? Guess the star sticker didn't do it. Asshole.

Commercials. Flights to London are $199? From what airport? Dublin?

Judges' table. No fancy dining room this week. Everyone's still at the Boys and Girls Club. BLUE. TEAM. YOU. LOST. TODAY. ONE. OF. YOU. WILL. BE. GOING. HOME. Tom asks where they went wrong. Tiffani and Harold immediately spring into the argument that the kids were influenced by things beyond the food. At this point, I can see where they're coming from. Badly dubbed voice of Tom saying that the fish was fine on both teams, so it really comes down to side dishes. Do they think we can't hear that this has been put in after the fact? I like this show, but I've about had it with the constant insults to the audience's intelligence. Harold claims that their food was more nutritious than the red team's. Tom responds that they offered a fried potato. Harold counters that they offered a vegetable. KatieBot counters that the red team offered fruit. Point? Judges.

Tiffani, unable to leave well enough alone, says that the challenge didn't test any skills of a professional chef. Gail tells her the challenge was about pleasing the customer, which is part of being a chef. And which I'll point out was clearly outlined at the beginning of the challenge. Tiffani says that the palate of a ten-year-old isn't sophisticated. Firstly, ten-year-olds' palates are as sophisticated as the food that's served to them, which Tiffani is not in a position to know. Secondly, even assuming she's right, so the fuck what? Again. Challenge = please customer. Customer = children. If she feels so strongly that kids have no ability to discern good food from bad, why didn't she make more of an effort to please them through other methods, such as shape and color? Oh, but she's already interviewed that those things are unnecessary. That kids should be able to enjoy food for what it is and dressing it up in pageantry of any kind is "patronizing". In other words, Tiffani's argument shifts to whatever best suits her at the time, and she's full to the brim with steaming bullshit. She tells the judges that she's never going to compromise her oh-so-lofty principles to appeal to a bunch of kids. Wow, are people really this disrespectful?

Remember when I pointed out how polite Tiffani was to Laurent in the Quickfire Challenge? Know why? Because Laurent is established. Laurent has power and influence over her. Giving respect to people who can screw you over is really, really easy. Giving respect to people who can't do a damn thing for you is part of what defines you as a person, and in that regard? Tiffani is a pretty poor excuse for a human being. Laurent compares the kids to a demanding customer. Tiffani doesn't budge. May I ask why she's so anxious to work in a restaurant? If she's so unyielding as to not change anything about her cooking to please anyone, why doesn't she just sit at home in her own kitchen? She turns it back on Tom, asking him if he's always caved to customer demand. He says he almost never turns them down. She harps on the "almost", and grins, convinced she's won the argument. I grin too, because what she just won was a ticket home. Not this week, and probably not for several weeks more. Still, with this one little moralizing snit, Tiffani became a Reality Show Villain. And you know what Reality Show Villains don't do? Win. It brings me great satisfaction to know that in her haste to appear so righteous, she's screwed herself royally. Tom tells her it's a good thing she has immunity. That wipes the grin off her fucking face pretty quickly. Tom goes on. "There is one thing that we do in the restaurant business, and that is make people happy. And I don't care how you do that. That's what you do." Exactly. That's what I'm saying about being a cook versus being someone who cooks.

Gail switches subjects and asks about the carrots. The kids didn't like them, and neither did the judges. Brian owns up to being in charge of the carrots, but says that's the way he always does them. Gail asks Harold if he tasted the carrots. He says he did, and agrees that they were overcooked, but left the matter in Brian's hands. No, what you'll actually remember he did was hate the carrots, but not give a second's worry to the matter because after all, they were just giving them to a bunch of moronic kids. They also didn't like Tiffani's applesauce. She continues not to care what a bunch of kids think, because she's a self-righteous idiot. Laurent asks who made the decisions in the team. I think he was told to ask that question, since Tom brought it up earlier. Shifty. They say there was no leader. Laurent is all "c'mon, there had to be one." Um, no there didn't. Brian says that Dave was sort of an unofficial leader. Dave disagrees with that. Lee Anne sticks to the argument that everything was a group choice. Laurent asks who should be let go. Lee Anne will not be bullied into being a jerk. She says they'll sink or swim as a team. Seriously, I like Lee Anne so much. Watch, next week she'll pull some shit that makes me hate her guts.

The judges don't want to hear all this harmony, and badger them into giving up a name. Dave wimpily gives up Brian, saying he felt like Brian thought he was always outside the team. Er, OK. Don't really see how that leads to the decision to send him packing, but whatever. Brian says that he was the only one playing up the blue team's food to the kids. True. Dave tries to argue it, saying he talked to kids, but that's not what Brian means. Brian was the only one who tried to make the kids enthusiastic about the food. He says again that Dave was the silent leader of the blue team, and as such, should be the one to go. Tiffani chooses Brian, for the whole carrots issue. Lee Anne sticks to her guns and refuses to single anyone out. LOVE. Harold chooses himself, saying he has to take responsibility for when things don't work out. I'd love to be all "aw, isn't that noble", but his obvious disdain for the children is still lingering in my mind. They're dismissed.

Deliberations. Gail says that they didn't have a leader, but needed one. Tom agrees that when he was in the Kitchen, they all told him there was no leader. There's a flashback, and I can still hear that faint "Dave" in the background, so who knows? Tom is disgusted with Brian for trying to push phantom leader status off onto Dave. He also points out that the kids picked out exactly what was wrong with the carrots, so Tiffani has a hell of a nerve saying that kids don't know what they're talking about. Ooh, she is so toast. I love it. The judges think Harold was just trying to make himself look good by choosing himself. Cripes, they just said that people needed to take responsibility for their actions. Harold did so, and now they attack him for it? Shut up, judges. Dave is in the loser group for the second week running. Laurent remembers that he didn't like Dave's Quickfire entry, either. They bring the blue team back in. The red team wishes them luck.

Commercials. If traffic cones come to life and start to chase me, I think I'll have more important problems than what kind of car I drive.

Dave is reminded about his failure to use salt in the Quickfire. Brian is taken to task for selling Dave out as a fake leader and for the carrots. Harold took the "high road" too late. Tiffani needs to show more respect for her clients. There is a whole lot of badly dubbed judge blather through the whole thing. Lee Anne is not admonished for a single thing. And the loser is - Brian. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. He goes back and says good-bye. Lisa is sorry to see him go. Yeah, it's a shame that he got eliminated for a challenge he felt so strongly connected to. Lee Anne didn't want to see any of the blue team go. She says she'd rather have sent Stephen home. She rolls her eyes. LOVE. Dave's basically "whatever" about the whole thing. Tiffani's interview must be quoted verbatim. "Brian put himself in a position to make excuses as opposed to just stepping up and accepting responsibility for bad food." Read that again. Yeah. Brian becomes the third eliminated contestant to say that he wouldn't change anything about how he's competed. Sure, examining your work for weaknesses and seeking opportunities for improvement is for wusses. He gave "250%". Tally mark! He wraps up with "don't get it twisted". Did Ebony get a sex change? Good-bye, Brian. Have someone else pick out your outfits from now on.

Next week on Top Chef: Everyone's getting twenty bucks to get ingredients from one particular store. There's some sort of catch involved. Candice is frustrated. Stephen gets taken to task for something. Tom wants to get rid of two contestants, and just might, pretending he's doing it in a fit of pique. Yeah, I'm sure that if two contestants were going, it wouldn't have been planned out to the exact second. Shut up, Tom.

The episode's postscript is "In Memory of Joseph B. Sestito". Cynthia's father. Rest in peace.

Overall Grade: B-

It's Not Over Until Phil Sings

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 4

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams raced from Brotas, Brazil to get to the no doubt less clement weather of Moscow, Russia. (P.S. - I went to a trivia contest this past weekend, and one of the questions was to name the pictured building (St. Basil's) in Red Square. Thanks, Amazing Race! That's the second trivia question I never would have gotten if I didn't watch you!) Lake and Michelle squabbled and got lost. So, you know, not much news there. The language barrier didn't just rear its head in Russian, as a few teams seemed to have a lot of trouble with the Roadblock's ever-so-tricky hint "take the plunge". Phil calls the Tools Double D's "race sweethearts". Ew. Shut up, Phil. Double D left their clue pack at the Roadblock, and had to go back for it. Wow, for a second there, it looked like they might not suck, but then they pulled it out. MoJo/Dave/Lori got very lost on their way to the Magical Hidden Trolley Depot. Other teams searched through nesting dolls to their frustration and our amusement. The Tools were first to the mat, but were told that this is a double leg, so they must continue to race. Nine teams still remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Do Dave and Lori own that green plastic slide? If so, they're even bigger geeks than I thought.

Moscow, Russia. We relive the last couple of minutes of last week's leg. Yes, we just watched the "Previously on" segment. We get it now, thanks. Anyhow, the Tools get their next clue. It tells them to fly to Frankfurt, Germany. My screen is also now telling me the outcome of an Illinois school district tax rate vote. I imagine several local viewers were on the edge of their seats for that decision. Once in Frankfurt, teams have to catch a train that will take them an additional 100 miles to Stuttgart, Germany. Once there, they will need to find the flagship Mercedes-Benz factory. The Tools make plans to get to Frankfurt. Their plans involve taking an airplane. Good thinking, boys. Although I would be delighted to see them try and hitchhike there. Lake and Michelle hit the mat in second, which would be their highest placement ever, if this were a pitstop. Too bad, so sad. They take off for the airport. If you don't mind, I'm going to skip all the portions of the show where the Tools act like...well, themselves. Sure, that'll make the show fourteen minutes long, but I just can't take anymore Look How Rakishly Charming (AND STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!) We Are.

Ray and Yolanda hit the mat in third. Blood Ray makes us rewind a couple of times to see Yolanda's face when they're told they have to keep racing. Yep, it's a good one. Ray hopes they can make it out of Moscow before the other teams catch up. Meanwhile, back at the theater, Frankenberry is doing their typical Detour Whine. Barry finally finds a clue. They leave for Red Square, at which BJ and Tyler are just now arriving. They check in. BJ fake tips Phil a dollar. It pains me to say that the Hippies are starting to get on my nerves a bit with their schtick. I like that they're good racers, and they seem to be really nice people in general. It's just that they're always "on". If they dial back the spaz a little, we'll be fine. They hang around to watch Frankenberry hit the mat in fifth (!!!). Both teams are pleased with their placement, and hope to catch up at the airport.

Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are still cleaning those trolleys. It's dark, and looks pretty cold out there. Everyone's miserable, but is scrubbing away. Joseph spitshines an area. Heh. Wanda and Desiree and Double D finish at about the same time. "Is this the airport up here?" one of the Tools asks their cab driver. Let's see, it's a big, lit building with a bunch of runways around it. Yep, I think it's a safe bet. They easily get tickets to Frankfurt. Lake and Michelle, right behind them, cannot get onto the same flight. I don't know if it was a question of tickets or ticket agents, there. It looks like the Tools' ticket agent may have bent the check-in time rule for them. Which is fine - good luck is good luck - I just think it's strange that Lake and Michelle didn't get the same deal. The Tools' flight takes off at 7:05 PM. Lake and Michelle are understandably upset, though thankfully too tired to throw a big shit fit about it.

MoJo and Dave/Lori finish up on the trolleys and again share a cab to get to Red Square. Double D and Wanda/Desiree walk onto the mat at the same time. They're told they're six and seven, then given their next clue. They leave for the airport. Double D contemplates stapling the clue bag to one of their asses. Probably not a bad idea. MoJo gets a running start off of Dave and Lori out of the cab, so they're team eight. Which puts Dave and Lori in last place. I don't care for that at all. They are, of course, thrilled to not be eliminated. Back at the airport, Lake and Michelle find a flight to Frankfurt at 9:15 PM. So, not too terribly far behind the Tools, all things considered. Ray and Yolanda get into line, and are still there when all the other teams get to the airport. One of the ticket agents says that her computer's broken. Everyone's frustrated. There's a shot of the Tools landing in Frankfurt, but surely they couldn't have gotten there while everyone else is still in the Moscow airport. The editing must be wonky. They, of course, manage to snag a train just as it's leaving. Lucky fucks.

Back at the airport, ticket windows seem to be opening and closing at random, like a really not fun game of Whack-A-Mole. The Hippies manage to score tickets on the same flight as Lake and Michelle. The other teams try to argue or beg their way on, but no go. They're stuck in Moscow until tomorrow. Man, that sucks for Ray and Yolanda. If anyone should have gotten on that flight, it's them. Flight #2 leaves. Everyone else stuck in the airport discovers that the next flight isn't until 7 AM the next morning. They're not happy about it.

Commercials. Oh, good. Another bastardized movie version of a Shakespearean play. Can't get enough of those!

People give up and head for a hotel, except MoJo, who decides to sleep at the airport. On the train, the Tools are being tools. They arrive in Stuttgart, and head for the Mercedes-Benz factory, which helpfully has a lit sign of their logo stretching into the sky, like it's the Bat Signal or something. They find the clue, which tells them to take a test drive. They won't be able to go until 8:30 AM. They still have a mondo lead, I think, given that most of the teams can't leave Moscow until 7 AM. The test drive is basically them being passengers while a qualified driver takes them on a high speed track, including banking around a corner on the Wall of Death. I didn't make that up; it's actually called the Wall of Death. And for good reason. The car will be almost perpendicular to the ground as it banks. The Tools head for a hotel, apparently disappointed that the track isn't open in the middle of the night. Dur. The Hippies and Lake and Michelle get their clues, too.

All the trailing teams get tickets on the 7 AM flight. Wanda whips her hair around a lot and her ponytail is almost smacking the camera. Stop attacking me, Wanda! What did I ever do to you? In Stuttgart, 8:30 has arrived, and there are several very stern-looking German gentlemen at the factory to do the test drive. The drive looks pretty fun, and yet completely terrifying. All of the three lead teams get wide-eyed and jumpy as they ride the Wall of Death, but seem to enjoy it at the same time. They get their next clue. It tells them to drive themselves 200 miles to the city of Bad Tolz. Drive what? Are they given Mercedes or something? Once in the Bavarian countryside, they'll search for Ellbach Field, where their next clue will be. The three lead teams locate Bad Tolz on their maps, and start making their way there. At 11:15 AM, the remaining teams get into Stuttgart. There is frenzied taxi-hunting. First to the clue box? Dave and Lori! Yay! Teams pull clues. Teams ride. Teams look frightened and excited as they approach the Wall of Death. Joseph is so excited, he actually thinks he'll be driving the car himself. Hehehe. Not so fast, there, Skippy. Also hilarious is the fact that Frankenberry just sits in their car and lets the driver do his thing. They could not be less impressed with the Wall of Death. Awesome.

Teams get their Bad Tolz clue and start trying to figure out the way there. Desiree snips at Wanda that her accent is making it hard for the German people to understand her, and thus be able to give them directions. Uh, can Wanda really help her accent? It's not like she can turn it off. Double D decides to follow Wanda and Desiree. Because they've been doing so well? These people are acting weird. Frankenberry demonstrates that they're not bad at everything; they're very skilled with maps, so they start to make up some time. Ray/Yolanda and Dave/Lori get directions from passersby. Soon after, MoJo drives by Dave and Lori, and asks them if they know anything. Dave and Lori play dumb about the directions. Smart idea. They interview that after their placement in Moscow, they decided they really need to work for themselves. MoJo doesn't seem to have any problems figuring things out for themselves. Desiree has discovered that they're going the wrong direction on the highway. Double D is still following them. Wanda and Desiree pull off and actually tells Double D what's going on. So Double D decides to figure out the directions themselves to actually try and improve their race placement. HAHAHAHA!!!! Just kidding, of course. No, they keep on blindly following Wanda and Desiree, who clearly have no idea where they're going.

The Tools have found Ellbach Field. The clue is a Roadblock. Ew. It's one of those horrible product placement Roadblocks that have nothing to do with the culture of the country they're in; it's just a weak excuse to shove in another commercial. At least this one's not as bad as that one in Season 6, where the teams had to go to an internet cafe in Hungary and log onto AOL. I'm still pissed about that one. In this one, the chosen team member lifts giant gnome hats and/or feet to discover a gnome buried beneath it. There are 150 hats/feet, and 11 clues, which are taped to the bottom of the gnome. Jeremy takes it (not that it matters on any team - it's that pointless a Roadblock). He easily finds the clue. Helen Keller could do this Roadblock. Even now. Their clue tells them to get to Bavaria Film in Grunwald. They also have to take the gnome along with them, not that it means anything race-wise - they just want to get it shown onscreen a lot. Feh. Lake and Michelle ask a guy who's strolling down the road they're on for directions. He's walking because he's too drunk to drive. Heh. He actually agrees to join them and direct them to the field, as long as they take him home afterwards. How great a story will this be for him? "Yeah, I was totally plowed, but these weird Americans with a camera crew promised to take me home if I showed them where the gnomes were buried." They and the Hippies reach the field at the same time. BJ and Lake take it on. Well, that was dumb. Michelle should have seized the opportunity to do such an easy one. That'll bite them in the butt later. The Hippies go into their tiresome spaz routine, and keep in mind I'm saying this while Lake is present. Lake and Michelle agree to lead the Hippies out, as long as they can make a quick stop to drop off their drunken guide. Hee.

Frankenberry finds the field next. Barry takes it, and finds a gnome. It's as exciting as it sounds. Barry interviews about their skill in finding their way from place to place. Yeah, they're flying. If only they could manage other things with equal aplomb. Not that being good with directions is anything to sneeze at, as we see Wanda and Desiree take the EXACT same wrong turn they did before. Jeez. They're frustrated. Double D is frustrated. I'm frustrated having to watch them do this.

Commercials. When I think of caring companies, dedicated to making America a better place to live, I certainly immediately think of WalMart. By the way, have you read "Nickel and Dimed"?

Double D decides to keep on following Wanda and Desiree despite the fact that they are completely floundering. Man, are they dumb. Wanda has the nerve to actually snap at Desiree about their situation. Hey, who's driving, lady? They finally figure out what they hell they're doing. Meanwhile, the Tools have arrived at Bavaria Film. Detour! The choice? Break It or Slap It. In Break It, teams alternate breaking stunt bottles over each others' heads until they find one with the word "Prost" (meaning "Cheers") imprinted on the back of the label. They can only break the bottle every time a cuckoo clock...um...kooks. In Slap It teams have to learn and "correctly" perform the steps of a German folk dance. You'll see why "correctly" is in quotes in a minute. The Tools, naturally, can't resist Break It. I don't know that I'd be able to resist it either, though I'm confident my four years in the salt mines of show choir would give me an advantage in the other one. They have to dress themselves in lederhosen before starting. A Swiss Miss lookin' girl stands off to the side. They begin to gleefully bash each other in the head. Bashing the Tools in the head does look tempting. May I use a brick instead?

Ray and Yolanda have reached the Roadblock. Ray takes it. They leave as MoJo arrives. Joseph does it. As he searches, Dave and Lori arrive, and Dave takes the Roadblock. Joseph finds the gnome, and Monica finds where they're going on the map. I really didn't give MoJo much of a chance in the beginning, but they are starting to look like a really good team. Ray and Yolanda stop for directions. Dave finds his gnome. They're off. The Tools are still smashing. Bottles, that is. The boys themselves aren't smashing at all. Lake and Michelle drop off their drunken passenger, then get to Bavaria film, with the Hippies right behind them. They both choose Break It. As they suit up in lederhosen, the Tools find their label, and get the next clue from German Miss. Of course, they can't resist being their repulsive selves. The clue tells them to get to the next pitstop, an archway called Siegestor in Munich, 10 miles away. Phil calls it a 150-year-old monument to peace. Holocaust what? The Tools leave. The Hippies are still being dumb spazzes. Michelle breaks a bottle over Lake's head. Lake tells her she doesn't have to hit too hard. She tells him to shut up and take it like a man. Of course, when the time comes for him to hit her, he barely taps her, and she still finds a way to bitch about it. Unfortunately for us, that hit did it, so we don't get to see either one of them get clocked with any more bottles. Boo! It looks like the Hippies find one fairly soon after Lake and Michelle leave. They're as slimy towards German Miss as the Tools were.

Frankenberry arrives at Bavaria Film, chooses Slap It, and suits up. The lead dancer starts to teach them the steps, and they don't look like they're getting it. A cute German dancer off to the side turns and grins derisively at the guy standing next to him.

Blood Ray: "You're wearing lederhosen. You don't get to make fun of anyone."

They start the dance, and mess up. Hey, they wouldn't be Frankenberry if they didn't foul up the Detour somehow. The Tools reach the mat. They win a trip. I hate them. The greeter is very gnome-looking himself, which was probably on purpose, and makes me feel dirty. The Tools are toolish some more. The Hippies and Lake/Michelle are near the pitstop, but are trying to figure out what street they need. They meet up briefly, but the Hippies wait until Lake and Michelle are safely out of range before getting precise directions from a passerby. In the Lake and Michelle car, Michelle is starting to shut down. This has been an exhausting leg. This isn't a good time for that, though, so Lake tells her that if she doesn't have anything positive to contribute, she shouldn't say anything. Michelle, in the fakest cheery-voice ever: "Let's go, babe! Get onto it, babe! You can do it, you're great!". Hehehe. That was my first liking Michelle moment, ever. The Hippies get to the mat first, and feel the need to run onto it backwards, because THEY'RE SO DAMN FULL OF LIFE AND VITALITY! DO YOU GET IT YET!?!?! Sigh. I really, really want to like them, but they're making it hard this week. They're team two. Lake and Michelle are three.

Back at the Detour, Frankenberry still sucks at the dance, but apparently this sucking is different than the previous sucking, because they're told they can go. Whatever. They leave as MoJo arrives. They select Break It, and begin bashing. They're pretty cheery about it. Dave and Lori barely sneak by Ray and Yolanda. They both get to Bavaria Film, and choose Break It. Lori has issues getting into her lederhosen, as does Ray. Yolanda tells him he's got a big butt. He giggles, and looks adorable. So now three teams are smashing bottles everywhere. A parade of jolly German musicians wander by. This whole Detour is like a big acid trip. Dave and Lori are first to find a printed label. Yay! They're off. Hey, remember the Roadblock? Wanda/Desiree and Double D are only just now arriving at it. Desiree and Dani take it. There aren't many gnomes left, so they're taking a while. Wanda and Danielle tell the camera that they don't want to be totally adversarial, but at this point, they really have to try and win. Dani finds a gnome. Desiree is still having issues, and takes the time to stop and correct her mom's pronunciation of "gnome". Yeah, there's totally time for that. Wanda snips at Desiree to run instead of walk.

Blood Ray: "Big talk for the woman who couldn't get herself to sink two feet in a pool."

Commercials. So we totally called that "fake" number of the good-looking doctor guy in the U.S. Cellular commercial. It's a fake message from him that basically amounts to a little ad. Still. Clever.

Desiree continues her hunt for the gnome. She's having trouble. It's dark, and by my count, there are 3 gnomes and 150 places to look. Yike. She finally finds one. They head for Bavaria Film in last place. Frankenberry checks in at the mat as team four. Four! At the Detour, Ray/Yolanda and MoJo are starting to get frustrated with the bottles. MoJo jumps ship and heads for Slap It, which is only about twenty feet away. They complete it easily, and run off. A few more bottles later, and Yolanda's had it. They switch too. Again, it doesn't look like they have to do that good a job to be successful. Yolanda gets the clue and shouts "I love you, New York!" like she's coming off her Carnegie Hall debut. Hehehe. Dave and Lori hit the mat as team five. They really pulled themselves out of the quicksand today. Yay! MoJo is team six. Ray and Yolanda are team seven.

Double D arrives at the Detour and chooses Slap It. They dance. They leave for the pitstop as Wanda and Desiree are entering, also having selected Slap It. Wanda has this intense look of concentration as she dances, which makes me laugh, and Desiree looks so depressed, I want to cry. Double D, now that they actually have to, you know, do something for themselves, are totally lost. This allows Wanda and Desiree to pretty much catch up to them on the way to the pitstop. Double D complains that they're sick and tired of competing not to be last. Well, maybe if you pulled your heads out of your asses, ladies, you'd have a slightly better shot. No fake editing to make it look close, here. It actually will be a footrace to the mat. Double D manages to make it there first, and check in as team eight. That puts Wanda and Desiree in last, and they're eliminated. Aw. They're proud of each other, and are very sincere in their praise of each other. I like to see that.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Teams get frustrated while trying to find a clue in laundry. Hey, at least it's clean laundry. Lori struggles horribly at the Roadblock. Nooooo!!!

Overall Grade: B

The Girl Who Kissed The Roach

America's Next Top Model - Season 6, Episode 4

Sigh. I hate watching a show I love go downhill. It's not all bad tonight, but we're definitely coasting, here. Firstly, Miss J "teaches" the girls to walk (that is, he puts all the girls in dresses with long trains and has a good giggle about them falling all over the place). Gina, of course, sucks harder than anyone else.

Later, an avant-garde designer named Jared Gold has the girls do a runway challenge with a very special accessory: a large, decorated cockroach on a leash. Eep. For once, Jade's self-confidence is an asset instead of a liability, and she knocks the challenge out of the park, even giving the roach a little smooch at the end of the runway. Gina, of course, freaks out so much about the cockroach that they have to physically shove her onto the runway. Once on it, she almost falls on her ass. Jade wins the challenge, and her big prize is "VIP" status at a fashion show. What does the VIP status entail? Good seats at a runway show so she and the others she's brought along can see a couple of real models. That's pretty much it.

The photo shoot today is a shot of the girls dressed up as various fairy tale characters. Also, it'll be a shot of them falling through the air. What does the one have to do with the other? Um, I'll get back to you on that. Furonda is dressed as Rapunzel, and does quite a good job, though the judges will later be harder on her than I am. Leslie is the Big Bad Wolf, and is quite adept at looking sexy and evil as she falls. Jade is a wonderfully seductive Little Red Riding Hood. Mollie Sue is Little Boy Blue and shows no personality in her face. I think she's too low-key for this show. Danielle is Snow White (or Snow Black, as the case may be), and is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. Gina, of course, sucks. She's supposed to be Sleeping Beauty, but gives no indication of it in her shot. Brooke is typically fugly as the Emperor's New Clothes. Kari is the boringest bore that ever bored a bore, and her Goldilocks shot shows it. Nnenna has her first unremarkable shot as the Frog Princess, Joanie is a delightful Cinderella, and Sara is a meh Gretel.

The final challenge is walking in a pair of giganto shoes. Everyone pretty much sucks except for Joanie, who kills it. Both Kari and Danielle wipe out, the latter so hard that she actually hurts her foot and requires crutches. Aw. In the end it comes down to Boring Kari and Bad At Absolutely Everything In The World Gina. Which is worse in terms of reality television? You guessed it. Bye, Kari.

Overall Grade: C-

Food of Love

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef - Twelve wannabe chefs converged on San Francisco. Tiffani was brassy, while Stephen was assy. Lee Anne sailed away with the Quickfire, and Ken was surprised to learn that not everyone loves irritating blowhards. Cynthia was a whirlwind of chaos, Andrea's veggie platter couldn't even tempt Peter Rabbit, and Harold's snapper took home the Elimination Challenge. Ken's blustery attitude couldn't hide the fact that he's a sucky chef, and the world cheered as he was booted to go be obnoxious somewhere else. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. We open on the house all of our contestants are packed into. How many bedrooms does that thing have? Anyway, we'll just call it the International House of Famewhores. Inside the IHOF, Cynthia is on the phone with a relative of hers. It seems that her father is dying of cancer, and she only just found out about it the night before she flew to California. God, that's got to be awful. I assume she couldn't be a no show for legal reasons. She's considering whether she can really give the competition her full attention. Man, no kidding. My sympathies to all involved. Meanwhile, Andrea does yoga out on the veranda, and talks about how her food presentation skills need work. She vows to do better on the next challenge. Candice is disappointed in herself for being in the bottom three. Tiffani, who was in the top three, is disappointed that she didn't win the challenge. Calm down, Tiffani. It's not like Harold even got anything.

Quickfire Challenge. Everyone streams into the Kitchen (the main competition kitchen, not the one at the IHOF). There's a bunch of fruit everywhere, and I don't just mean Dave, Tiffani, and the guest judge. "GOOD. MORNING. EVERYONE. ELEVEN. OF. YOU. HAVE. MADE. IT. THROUGH. TO . THE. SECOND. ROUND. WHICH. IS. ALL. ABOUT. PRESENTATION." Shot of Andrea. Heh. KatieBot goes on to introduce the guest judge, Elizabeth Faulkner, who looks like a cross between Susan Powter and Kevin Costner. That's not a compliment. Elizabeth is the chef and owner of a bakery in San Francisco. Tiffani brags about knowing Elizabeth not just by reputation, but because they were both featured in an article about queer women who cook. I have to ask what bearing one's sexuality has on cooking. That'd be like me being in a featured article about gay men who work in the field of science. Who cares? It's not like I get laid at work. Although I can think of a few candidates I wouldn't mind getting down and dirty with in the lab, and... Sorry, where was I?

Elizabeth will be judging the Quickfire, which will be to create a dessert plate composed entirely of fruit. The chefs will have thirty minutes to get everything together. The challenge will be judged on creativity, knife skills, and presentation. Another shot of Andrea. At this point it's just mean. But still funny. As always, the winner will be immune after the Elimination Challenge. KatieBot starts the timer, and everyone springs into action. Someone cuts into a watermelon, and I totally start craving a slice. Ditto the pineapple. Lee Anne interviews that the Quickfires are more important than the Elimination Challenges, because Quickfires can prevent you from going home. Duh, ya think? Thanks for defining the word "immunity" for us idiots. Andrea just wants to put whole fruit on the plate and be done with it. She seems like a really nice woman, and I love that she tries to educate people about healthy food. That said? Andrea's kind of incompetent, you guys. Brian is very confident about his chances, as is Stephen. Lisa invokes the spirit of her mother. Tiffani wraps up her platter at almost literally the last second.

Judging. Lisa's plate looks appetizing, but there's really nothing very creative about it. She admits she had no real plan for it. Elizabeth doesn't particularly enjoy the fact that Lisa put a pineapple top on the plate for decoration, saying a fruit platter should really be things you can eat or eat out of. Makes sense. Stephen has a smarmy interview, basically saying the same thing. I need a macro for "Stephen has a smarmy interview". Brian also has included the pineapple top, and jokes about it. He then seems to get really testy with Elizabeth not liking it, which confuses me. That was an odd moment. Cynthia's plate is very minimal, with slices of papaya in a fan shape and the seeds spread out in a regular pattern. It's like the opposite of Lisa's. Very pretty, but not very appetizing. Elizabeth says basically that. Tiffani, ever the overachiever, says that the fruit seemed a bit out of season to her, so she cooked and seasoned it. She's used sour cream, cinnamon, sugar, and so on, and everything on her plate sounds completely delicious. Tiffani's like the girl in your class who always deservedly got perfect grades, but was such a priss about it, nobody had much use for her. Dave has surrounded a chocolate fondue with several pieces of fruit. It looks really good, but Elizabeth says that it's not very creative, and she sees it on buffets all the time. I can get behind that argument. I still want to sit down with that platter, though.

Lee Anne's looks fine, but Elizabeth returns to the "seen it before" argument, which Lee Anne seems to agree with. Stephen has a series of coffee cups that contain various fruits with various sauces. Elizabeth seems to feel that he's been very creative, and perhaps he has been, but she seems to think the main creative masterstroke he's made is to put things in cups instead of on a plate, which... Not that exciting. Stephen says he's "taken it to the next level". Tally mark on the Irritating Cliches List! Candice says that she's portrayed Breakfast on an Island Getaway. I've said this before, but Candice is totally a live Bratz doll. Barbie's Dream Car. Barbie's Malibu Mansion. Barbie's Breakfast on an Island Getaway. She's actually carved fucking hearts out of the pineapple. Jesus, go listen to your New Kids on the Block album or something. Elizabeth rips Candice down by saying "I'm a really creative, artistic person, and..." I don't hear the rest after that because I'm too busy sneering at Elizabeth to not break her arm patting herself on the damn back, there. She actually made me want to stick up for Candice for a second! Could she be a little more self-impressed? I'm sorry. It's just that arrogant people are a real hot button with me.

Andrea seems to have stayed true to her goal of doing absolutely nothing. Miguel has a cascade of fruit coming out of a sliced cantaloupe. Looks good. Elizabeth likes the cornucopia effect. Harold's has really shown off his mad phat knife skillz. I think Harold may be my favorite competitor at this point, and I swear it's not because I think he's cute. OK, maybe just a little. Time for Elizabeth the Creative and Artistic Genius to select a winner. She selects Stephen, because what could be more creative and artistic than putting things in cups? Stephen has a smarmy interview. Seriously, I need a code word for that or something. Tiffani interviews that Harold should have won. Harold interviews that Stephen's may have looked good, but he knows (and says that Stephen knew) that some of the flavors he combined wouldn't work together. Interesting. That means that Stephen can't be eliminated tonight. Boo!

Commercials. Yes, if there's one person I trust to make a love match for me, it's Doctor Phil.

Time for the Elimination Challenge. It's another presentation challenge. All the chefs will be going to a party, and the challenge will be to serve a sexy dessert to the guests. KatieBot introduces the hostess of the party, Madame S. She owns a fetish store, which is where the party will take place. She enters in a red latex dress, matching glasses, and a tiny little feathered top hat. Brian, Miguel, and Tiffani are all homina homina duuuuuuh. Madame S. explains that the guests will be dressed in latex and leather and such. So, that gives a nice hint as to what the dessert theme should be. She hopes the desserts will be outrageous and decadent. Keep that in mind for later. The chefs are provided with a lot of ingredients, but are given an additional $50 for anything else they may want. They've got until 10 PM tonight, and a few hours the next day. "PRESENTATION. IS. KEY. AND. IT'S. UP. TO. YOU. TO. DETERMINE. WHAT. IS. SEXY." Robots really shouldn't talk about sex like that. It's creepy. Andrea and Tiffani are both a little nervous, the one because she sucks at presentation, the other because she has no background in pastry-making.

The chefs sit around the IHOF discussing ideas. Lee Anne says that things don't have to be obscene or vulgar to be sexy. She's right, but let's keep in mind that this is a fetish party. Obscene and vulgar may not be a bad way to go. Dave (I think) kids that he's going to make a bunch of little hair pies. Eeeeew! Funny, but eeeeew! Miguel has no idea what a hair pie is. Wow. Tiffani cracks up. Miguel jokes about having all the other guys carry him into the party. I have no idea why he thinks that's naughty or funny. Stephen tries to put an end to the sex talk, either because he's a prude or because he's embarrassed that nobody ever wants to have sex with him. Everyone heads to a restaurant supply store for their additional ingredients. They've got an hour. Tiffani interviews that she wants to be extremely creative to make up for her lack of experience in pastry-making. I get the feeling that if Tiffani weren't such a headstrong woman, I'd really like her a lot. I certainly respect her, anyway. Brian interviews that because he didn't win the Quickfire, he may be going home tonight. Thanks for that additional definition of "immunity". One more time, and I just may understand it. Miguel and Stephen have a little pissing contest over tapioca. Chances I'll need that sentence again, ever? Zero.

Back in the Kitchen, everyone gets started. Harold's working on caramelized banana tarts. Mmmm. Lee Anne asks him to taste something. He doesn't like the sesame oil in it. She seems to take it as a personal affront. Lee Anne is working on dim sum petit fours, which sound tasty, but not sexy in the least. She says she aiming for an understated sexy, without having to resort to making "penis cookies" or "titty tarts". Hahahahaha! And on that note, Miguel tells us he's working on "tarts and tits". So far, it's lemon-filled cream puffs. Man, this episode is making me hungry, and I didn't even eat that long ago. He's also working on cold chocolate mixed with hot whipped cream, and mango pillows filled with tapioca. Even at this early stage, you can tell his stuff is going to wind up being fantastic. Andrea's idea of sexy is calling her dish "Creamy Balls and Crunchy Nuts", which are peanut butter balls mixed with assorted nuts. Lisa's "Naughty Nuts" are pecan tartlets with a Grand Marnier cream. I'm surprised more people aren't using alcohol. Tiffani doesn't want to say much about her work (she's dyeing bits of string right now), but says that her intention is for it to be interactive. Cynthia is typically scattered.

Lee Anne has put a bit of tape on an oven that has her name, convection, and 350 degrees listed. Not only that, but she announces to the room that she's done this. Good precautions. Tom checks in with two hours to go. Dave's "Tit for Tat" will be strawberry pound cake with banana cream. Stephen's doing something with Granny Smith apples and celery, and is going to top it with champagne. Candice? Oh, dear God. Candice has actually fashioned little cakes into bra and panty shapes, because underwear is so naughty! Tee hee! Maybe in fourth period she can write me a MASH note and talk about how Brad Tompkins is asking Judy Fitch to the Winter Snow Ball. With one hour to go, Lee Anne discovers that the oven she was planning on using is now set to 325. Oh, that's not cool at all. I mean, it's not good. Of course it's not cool; it's over three hundred degrees. Lisa offers up the oven she's using, but I don't know that that one's at the right temperature either. Time runs out. Lee Anne interviews that her stuff had two minutes to cook before being ready. Lisa interviews that Lee Anne offered to give up some allotted time the next day to compensate. Why didn't we see that offer? There are cameras everywhere! In any event, uber-competitive Tiffani can't let this lie, and tells Lee Anne that she shouldn't be able to work beyond the time limits. She interviews that not meeting deadlines like that is unprofessional. She suggests to Lee Anne that if she gets an extra minute, everyone should. Lee Anne is furious, because she feels like Tiffani's treating her like an idiot. Tiffani responds that it's because she knows Lee Anne's not an idiot that she shouldn't be able to slide as far as rules go.

OK, let's get to the morality of the situation. It's tricky, because both of them are right. I know, I adore taking sides, but in this case, I really can't. On the one hand, I totally agree with Tiffani that people should be held to the rules. If the challenge says to be done by 10 PM, you should be done by 10 PM, and it's not fair to the other competitors to say that everyone needs to be done except Lee Anne. On the other hand, Lee Anne has two valid arguments, though she never really makes them. One, she made a perfectly reasonable offer to give up time for the time she gained. Sounds fair to me. Two, someone fiddled with her oven temperature, and she may well have been done on time if not for that. That's not normal bad luck, like dropping food or a broken piece of equipment. That is an action on the part of someone else that directly resulted in Lee Anne's failure to complete the challenge as given. I'm not saying it was deliberate interference on the part of another chef, but if she lost time because another competitor hindered her, she deserves that time back. Just as both women are right, they're both wrong, too. Tiffani should be willing to take the time compromise Lee Anne offered, and her obstinance in sticking to the letter of the law, but not the spirit, is obnoxious. Lee Anne should have outlined her two arguments instead of just whining that Tiffani was treating her like a child or moron. Perhaps she should even have taken up Tiffani's empty threat about bringing the matter to the judges. In any event, she turned an argument about a technical aspect of the contest into something personal, which was dumb.

Commercials. I'm not above admitting that I love the Hanes commercial with the "professional" dodgeball players in it. At least it takes my mind off food for a bit. Mmmm, dodgeball players.

IHOF. Cynthia's getting more bad news about her father's condition. She cries a bit, and interviews that she has to consider withdrawing from the competition. Dave interviews that while he knows about the situation, not everyone else does, and he understands how hard it must be for Cynthia to focus. Miguel says that whatever mood you cook in is reflected in the food, but I don't know if he's specifically referring to Cynthia or not in that interview. Kitchen. Everyone's got four hours to work. Lee Anne throws out everything she's made and starts from scratch. This way, not only does she "clear her name" as far as the "rule violation" goes, but she gets to try something else for her dessert. Those filo cups she's pitching don't look very good anyway, so she may be turning this situation to her advantage. If she is, more power to her. She is, of course, still peeved at Tiffani for being such an officious bitch. Those aren't her words, but it's what she means. Speaking of Tiffani, she finally explains what she's making. They're coffee-flavored cookies (sort of shaped like fortune cookies) containing spicy cherries and hazelnuts. Ugh, I hate cherries. The cookies are suspended from the colored strings she was working on yesterday, making a necklace. Brian's making strawberry-apple crisp with a hazelnut whipped cream.

Tom comes in with one hour left. Andrea's covering her peanut butter balls with chocolate, and has glazed her almonds with something. Tom doesn't look impressed. Candice is actually putting the heart-shaped pineapple that Elizabeth specifically denigrated onto her underwear cakes as decoration. Then she, like, totally spreads a rumor that Carrie Longview stuffs her training bra with Kleenex! Harold's making ice cream by hand, not realizing that there's an ice cream maker sitting on the shelf behind him. Hehehe. Tom approaches Cynthia, and she basically tells him to go away. Snap! Andrea is forming her balls and nuts into little flower shapes. Yeah, I always find that cookies that look like they should be served at a PTA meeting are so sexy. She's just so clueless. The little spring roll things Lee Anne is making already look a hundred times better than the crap she threw out. I love that Tiffani is probably over there thinking how she's totally schooled Lee Anne, when she probably led Lee Anne to do better in the challenge than she would have otherwise. The usual frenzy occurs as time runs out. Harold has an interview (looking very adorable in his glasses) that the freezer was being opened and closed so much that it couldn't keep a low temperature, and his ice cream melted. Oh, that's a shame. Cynthia's "Chocolate Bomb" is half-melted as well. Everyone grabs their dishes, and heads out.

Evening. Everyone enters the fetish shop. There are leather jockstraps and such hanging everywhere, and it's hilarious to see the faces of the more straitlaced contestants. KatieBot tells them to get set up and changed into their party clothes. They scatter. The laws of physics have failed to reverse themselves on the drive over, so Cynthia's Chocolate Bomb didn't magically set. She's frustrated, and throws it out. Stephen interviews that the chefs were asked to wear a sexy outfit. He apparently interprets this as "dress as if you were attending a financial planning meeting in 1986". Miguel has dressed as Fat Bastard. Everyone's all "ew!", of course, but he's really not that heavy. You can tell he's having a lot of fun with it. The party starts. Various drag queens and leather daddies and such stream in. Andrea actually makes the crazy fingers gesture at the camera in front of the guests, which is so fucking rude, I can't even tell you. Rupaul is in attendance also. Eh. I got kind of tired of Rupaul's schtick a long time ago.

Andrea tells her (gonna just go with the female pronoun for good ol' Ru-Ru) that her dessert has no butter, and no saturated fat. Sexy! Rupaul tries one of them, and declares that they need butter. Ha! Tom, Gail, and Elizabeth have shown up at some point, and Lisa presents them with her "Naughty Nuts". Lisa's "sexy" outfit is a cable knit sweater. She's showing less skin than an Eskimo. She can't explain her inspiration for her tartlets to the judges, because it's fairly clear she had none. Tiffani shows off her cookie necklaces. They're a great idea, in that you eat the necklace off someone else's body. You can tell Tiffani really thought about the challenge. Someone demonstrates the necklace, and it looks like the bearer got a hickey. Wow. Andrea tells a black gentleman that she's serving chocolate-covered peanut balls. "Oh, I have those!" he replies. Hehehe. Lee Anne looks fantastic, and is serving Banana Nut Spring Rolls, with white chocolate wasabi sauce. I'm not wild about wasabi, but they look really good. Gail kind of bitchily makes a remark about the sesame flavor. What is it with people coming down on Lee Anne about sesame oil? Is that a theme now? People eat Candice's underwear cakes and make juvenile jokes about them, because what else are you going to do?

Brian's hazelnut whipped cream on the strawberry apple crisp looks good. Again, I see nothing to suggest "sexy" at all in his dessert, nor his outfit. He wouldn't be out of place at a post-Shabbat nosh right now. Well, except for the whole black thing. Miguel is totally wowing the crowd, both with his outfit, and his dessert platter. He's got cream puffs. He's got tapioca pillows. He's got a hot chocolate shot as a chaser. It's genius. This is our first glimpse of whatever Cynthia had left over, which is a pistachio almond Moroccan tart. Sounds good. There's also some strawberry shortcake off to the side. No sex about it. Harold's got his banana tarts and a frozen buttermilk side. He tries to associate the stickiness of the dish with sex. Whatever. It's impossible to gracefully eat something like ice cream (or frozen buttermilk) while you're trying to walk around a party, so this was a misfire. Gail says it's not sexy to spill food on your clothes. Hey, if you spill this on a latex outfit, it'll come right off. There's your silver lining. Besides, Gail is such an ice princess, I'm not sure where she gets off declaring what's sexy.

People party. Miguel tongue-kisses Cynthia's cheek. Tom eats one of Dave's poundcakes, which are ill-advisedly covered in a flesh-toned icing. They look gross. Andrea's tray of flower cookies look about as sexy as fish guts. Stephen gives KatieBot a sample of his champagne topped gelee. He reminds us that he has immunity. What's "immunity"? I do wish someone would explain it to me. People hem and haw about what they liked. Rupaul makes a fake date to screw around with a squirrelly little guy by a dumpster.

Commercials. Better living through spraying all your food with chemicals. Yum.

Madame S. makes the rounds. Brian is confident that she'll like his dessert. She ties one of Tiffani's cookies on someone, and has tremendous fun eating it. She takes a bite of Dave's dessert, and gets a perturbed face. He asks her if she wants to finish it, and she politely declines. Whuh, oh. People are more interested in Candice's boobies than her dessert, which of course delights Candice no end. Stephen has a smarmy interview. Miguel plays up the whole dominatrix angle Madame S. has got going. He interviews that a lot of people had no idea how to sell the idea of sexy food. Shots of Dave, Lisa, and Andrea. Heh. More partying. Lee Anne eats something off some guy's pecs, then lets him drizzle something into her mouth. See, she's got the idea! Someone eats a cookie off Tiffani. A guest squirts something onto her own boobs. Miguel squirts sauce into Candice's mouth. Hey, I'm just the messenger. The party really does look like a lot of fun. It ends soon after, and the guests leave.

Judging. Elizabeth is a disappointed in a lot of the desserts, because she is the Queen of All Things Good, Sexy, Artistic, and Creative. Gail says a lot of people didn't really rise to meet the challenge, either in taste or theme. KatieBot drones that Madame S. gets final vote on the winner, and they bring her in. Madame S. says that Tiffani's cookies were the best as far as creativity, but tasted horrible. Hahaha. She says her three favorites are Brian, Stephen, and Miguel. Stephen's champagne and pomegranate concoction was good, and she likes him because he's handsome. She goes on to joke that there's nothing sexy about Miguel. She's being pretty shallow for someone who just hosted a party full of hairy drag queens. Anyway, she likes Miguel's dessert and personality a great deal. Brian is sweet and his dish had nice, varying textures. KatieBot enters the Kitchen. "WE. WOULD. LIKE. TO. CALL. THREE. CHEFS. BACK. TO. THE. JUDGES'. TABLE. BRIAN. MIGUEL. STEPHEN." People clap. Harold interviews that Tiffani should have been in the top three. Hey, didn't she say he should have won the Quickfire? Are they into each other or something?

KatieBot explains to the top three that they are the top three. Tom tells Stephen that while Madame S. liked his dessert, he personally felt that the champagne he chose was too dry. And he's supposed to be a wine expert! Awesome. Elizabeth compliments Miguel. Of course, she can't give a compliment without letting everyone know that even good things are beneath She of the Perfect Desserts, so she adds that it was too over-the-top. Gail liked Brian's crisp and the cream on top. All three are told that they really pleased a lot of people. The winner of the Elimination Challenge is Miguel. Sweet. Applause and congratulations. He's very happy. He goes back to the Kitchen, and calls Lisa, Andrea, Cynthia, and Dave to the table. They trudge out, and are told they're the bottom four. Dave is told his dessert was off-putting, and he completely agrees. Andrea defends her dessert, except for its presentation, which was not only the point of the challenge, but what Tom just told her was wrong with it three seconds before. Nice going, dink. Gail tells her it lacked originality and pizzazz. True. KatieBot says that Lisa didn't sell what she made. Cynthia has a similar problem, being told that she always describes what's wrong with her food instead of what's right with it. She interviews that she didn't share with the judges what's going on in her personal life, because it wouldn't be fair to the other chefs. Now, that's some class. A damn sight more class than I've seen on display lately with a lot of "look at my tragedy - now make me famous!" reality show contestants. That said, it's impossible to describe why she's doing so poorly without giving herself away, so she winds up looking stupid and/or flaky to the judges. That sucks. The bottom four are dismissed. Deliberations. Dave's wasn't good, but at least he tried to apply sexiness. Lisa's wasn't sexy, but at least it tasted good. Andrea's a mess. Elizabeth hates Cynthia. Tom agrees that it comes down to the latter two, and these are the two that are brought back to the table.

Commercials. Tostitos. The official chip of frustrated travelers.

KatieBot informs the bottom two that this was a very difficult decision. Well, that's a misplaced cliche. You say that when you're deciding between two winners, in order to let them know that they both did a good job. Saying that to the bottom two is like saying "We had a hard time deciding which of you sucked more." Badly dubbed blah about why they're sitting there, which we already know. And the loser is.... "ANDREA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO." She gives a weak smile and heads back to the Kitchen. Lee Anne has the best interview ever, in which she says that while Andrea's food style didn't fit in with this show, Andrea herself is a wonderful person, and she feels privileged to have met her. Aw. Andrea's exit interview is a big "yay, me!" speech about how she's not sorry at all to use healthy, natural foods. Which has absolutely nothing to do with why she was eliminated. Bye, Andrea. Try to pick up a clue on your way out.

Next week on Top Chef: Something smells stanky. Stephen gets into a fight with Candice, and both of them are completely stupid about it. Dave wears a Japanese Rising Sun head-band, like he's a sumo wrestler all of a sudden.

Overall Grade: B

I Am In Russia Playing With The Dolls

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams raced from Big Brazil to Small Brazil. Eric and Jeremy made a strong argument for reverse evolution. People rappelled down the side of an office building. I'm guessing no work got done in the offices they were crawling past. Later, teams chose between climbing a waterfall or turning sugar into fuel. And you always thought pouring sugar into the gas tank was a bad thing. BJ and Tyler got to the mat first, while Frankenberry chose the worst Detour possible for themselves for the second week in a row, then got a dead battery on the way to pitstop. Things looked grim, but they were saved by the complete ineptitude and elimination of the Harpy Sisters, who we thankfully never have to listen to again. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Eric and Jeremy are apparently allergic to shirts.

Dawn breaks in Brotas, Brazil. It really is stunningly gorgeous. Double D (who already dress in far too much pink) are kicking back in pink hammocks. Do we know for a fact that they're out of puberty? Phil tells us that Double D and Eric and Jeremy are becoming very good friends, indeed. Let's just hope they never breed. Phil wonders if the relationship will turn into a "powerful alliance". I really don't think there is such a thing on this show. Especially between a team that's always in the top three and a team that seems to always hover at around eighth. Phil also wonders if Frankenberry can pull ahead. We get a shot of the copious amount of hair on Barry's shoulders. I don't need another shot of that, ever. Thanks.

Dawn unbreaks in Brazil. BJ and Tyler are leaving the mat at 4:48 AM. Their first clue tells them to go to a farm three miles away, and take a zipline 300 feet. Fun! They feel that teams may have underestimated them until now. It's a distinct possibility. Eric and Jeremy leave at 5:01 AM, and we learn the teams will get $307 for this leg. They say they like Double D, but when they're racing, it's all about just the two of them. Everything said aside from that is douchebaggery that I'd rather not revisit. MoJo leaves at 5:18 AM. Monica is impressed that Joseph has been able to stay so cool and calm on the race, saying she hasn't seen that in him before. I'll remind you that Monica almost burst into tears 10 minutes after she left the starting line, because she was frustrated with her place in an airport line. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music all leave at 5:28 AM. They're excited to travel. All of these lead teams note that they have to take a right as they leave the plantation.

BJ and Tyler reach the farm and find that it opens at 7 AM. Scruuuunch! As Eric and Jeremy approach, BJ and Tyler hide, then leap out and scare them. That's far too chipper for 5:30 in the morning. MoJo arrives. Dave and Lori arrive, and BJ/Tyler hump their car. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 6:31 AM. Ray's looking forward to getting to know Yolanda better, since they've been dating long distance. If someone was dating me long distance, and wanted to get to know me better, I'd prefer it not be through the strain of travel and competition. You really want your girlfriend to see you exhausted and stanky? Wanda and Desiree leave at 6:32 AM. See, all that worry last week was silly. In a nice bit of foreshadowing, Desiree interviews that her mom can overreact in tense situations, imagining things to be worse than they really are. As they leave, we can see why all the teams have been turning right. There's a clearly marked arrow pointing the way.

The farm opens, and the four lead teams run in. They get suited up. Meanwhile, Lake and Michelle are leaving the mat at 7:06 AM. We get the normal blah about how Michelle plays safe and Lake is a huge spaz. Not in those words, of course, but that's the gist. Double D leaves at 7:07 AM. Dani says they're not playing with their muscles or bodies, but with their hearts. That cinches it. Somehow, the race has admitted two junior high school students. I'll bet they both dot their I's with little hearts. Lake and Michelle see the sign for Brotas, and Lake turns the opposite direction. Michelle asks him why, and he tells her to shut up. This must be that southern charm she was talking about in the first episode. Between these two and the Rogers family, they're making it look like everyone in the South is a huge asshole. Double D takes the correct turn. Lake figures out that he's an idiot. Well, he doesn't, but he figures out he made a wrong turn. He again doesn't accept full blame, because he's a fucktard.

BJ and Tyler zip. Riding a zipline is really fun to do. And really boring to watch someone else do. They get their clue. It tells them to fly to Moscow, Russia. Sweet! I would so love to go there. Meenya zavoot Limecrete. Ohcheen preyatna! Once in Moscow, they have to find Chaika Bassein, which is a watersports facility that was once used in Olympic training. The shot of it shows a huge series of pools. Teams will pull bus tickets to the Sao Paolo airport from the Brotas station. BJ and Tyler scoot. Eric and Jeremy zip. MoJo zips. Dave and Lori zip. Just as these teams are leaving, Ray and Yolanda pull up.

Blood Ray: "Go, Yolanda!"
Limecrete: "You always just address Yolanda. It's like Ray isn't even there."
Blood Ray: "I like Yolanda."

Wanda and Desiree arrive as Dave and Lori leave. Dave says "twenty-three skidoo!". Heh. Double D pulls up. Lake and Michelle, having figured out that they're going the wrong way...still haven't turned around and gone back. They're just looking around, apparently hoping the correct path will be lit with flares for them. They finally go back. He tells her to shut up some more. Wow, jerky dumbasses! My favorite kind of person! Frankenberry finally leaves the mat at 8:24 AM. They promise to bounce back this leg. Yeah, they promised the same thing last leg, then immediately began to moan about being eliminated. Ray and Yolanda zip. Wanda and Desiree zip. Meanwhile, at the bus station, BJ/Tyler/MoJo/Eric/Jeremy all get 9:15 AM bus tickets. Dave and Lori aren't far behind, and get 9:15 tickets as well. Double D zips. Lake and Michelle arrive as they leave.

Ray and Yolanda get 10:00 AM bus tickets, as do Wanda and Desiree right behind them. Lake and Michelle zip. Lake is upset that they're going to Russia. Fuck off, ass. Double D gets 10:00 AM bus tickets. More Double D/Eric and Jeremy interaction that I'm going to skip. Frankenberry zips. The teams with 9:15 tickets leave the bus station. Lake and Michelle, still bickering, get to the bus station and get 10:00 tickets. Double D doesn't look excited to be on the same bus with them. Michelle realizes she left her clue pack in the car and goes back to get it. Jesus, woman. Lake yells at her some more. I'll also point out that Double D sees her realize she doesn't have her clue, so I'm sure they'll keep a close eye on their own, right? The 10:00 AM bus leaves. That means that Frankenberry will be all by themselves on the 10:45 bus.

Commercials. Oh, John Mellencamp. Changing your lyrics around for the NCAA? Do you need the money that badly?

Frankenberry gets on their bus. At the Sao Paolo airport, the 9:15 AM bus arrives. All the teams get onto a flight to Moscow that connects through Frankfurt. Guess what? So do all the 10:00 bus teams. Guess what? So does Frankenberry. Hope you enjoyed the drama and intrigue of the varying bus tickets, since they didn't mean a damn thing. Frankenberry is thrilled, for obvious reasons. Double D asks for some helpful Russian phrases on the plane, then pass them along to Eric and Jeremy. When the plane lands, everyone rushes for taxis. Frankenberry asks their cab driver if he knows where Chaika Bassein is, making swimming motions with their hands. So that means the teams know full well what kind of place they're going to. Dave/Lori and MoJo decide to share a cab, as do Double D and Eric/Jeremy. Monica says that all she knows about Russians is that they drink and smoke a lot. You're right, Americans don't do either of those things. *hic*

BJ and Tyler are first to the clue box. Man, they are fast. Roadblock! This one asks "Who wants to take the plunge?" OK, so they're at a water facility, and are asked who wants to take a plunge. No need to be a genius to figure this one out. Tyler says he'll do it. Phil explains that the team member who takes the Roadblock has to put on a bathing suit, then walk to the diving platforms, climb up, and jump 10 meters down. Once in the water, they swim across the pool and dive for their next clue. Easy peasy. I'd take this one in a heartbeat. Frankenberry is second to the clue. Barry takes it. Based on the fact that Ray did the last one, Yolanda volunteers for this one. When they open the Roadblock clue, they're shocked...SHOCKED....that it has something to do with water. Ummmmmm. Yolanda interviews that she's horrible in water, and can't even swim. Yeah. I like you Yolanda, but this Roadblock could not be more obvious. No sympathy for you! A pale, skinny breadstick jumps. Sorry, that was Tyler. He nabs the clue. It tells them to travel by taxi to the Novodevichiy Monastery. Once there, they have to find the Cathedral of the Virgin of Smolensk. The next clue will be inside.

Lake, for some reason, runs into the water facility, grabs the Roadblock clue, and runs all the way back out to read it with Michelle. Sigh. He tells her she has to do it. She gets a horrified look on her face and yelps "I might have to do it naked!" Huh? Are there some paint fumes in the area that are making all the teams act like complete goons? Did they have some funny mushrooms on the plane? What on Earth would lead her to think she'd have to do it naked? I'm starting to see why Lake yells at her so much. I'm not excusing it, I'm just understanding it. Lake, in no mood for a fight, agrees to do it himself. They run all the way back in. Eric/Jeremy/Double D arrive. Eric takes the Roadblock. So does Dani. Monica. Lori. Wanda.

Barry jumps with no problem, but can't make himself sink enough to get the clue. I had no idea so many people were so bad in water. Don't most kids spend a lot of their summers swimming? He manages to get a clue, and they're off. Frankenberry's in second place! I know! Ray calls up to Yolanda to dog paddle once she jumps. Michelle is also being supportive of Yolanda. Aw. Yolanda freezes up with terror on the platform. The other Roadblockers begin to line up behind her. There's a shot of Monica's huge boobs. She's wearing a bikini. Various Russian women in the pool begin cheering for Yolanda. Heh. She finally jumps, landing with a giant plop. She gets a clue. I'd like to be all "Yay, she did it! What courage!" but seriously. Be a little sharper about your Roadblock selection, please. Lake jumps. Eric jumps. Dani jumps. Outside, Eric and Jeremy are being tools (in fact, Tools is so much faster to type, and so shall they be called), and telling the cab driver that the girls with the big boobs will be joining them in the cab. Michelle says something stupid about not wanting to do the Roadblock because she didn't want to be wearing a bathing suit in front of all those Russian people. Russian people who are wearing bathing suits. I just...how is someone that dumb?

Monica is jumping, and is now mysteriously not wearing a bikini, but a full one-piece bathing suit. Odd. She has no problems, either with getting a clue or appearing in a bathing suit in front of all those filthy Russians. Lori does fine, too. Wanda jumps, and talks about this being her big fear. Desiree says her mom doesn't like deep water. Oh, for fuckity fuck fuck's sake. Again, no sympathy. WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO DO THE ROADBLOCK AT A SWIMMING FACILITY IF YOU'RE SCARED OF WATER? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks, that was cathartic. Wanda can't get herself under the water. She freaks out about how they're going to lose because of this task, and though I like Wanda and Desiree a great deal, if they were? They'd deserve it.

Commercials. Ooh, that part of Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates whales on those bitches' car! That was so cool! Um. I mean... Fried Green Tomatoes? That's a chick movie. I've never seen it.

Wanda continues to flail. BJ and Tyler are able to use enough Russian to get directions to the cathedral. It is extremely beautiful. They admire the place for a second, then read their clue. Detour! Scrub or Scour. In Scrub, teams travel to a trolley depot and clean a trolley inside and out. When they're done, they can go. In Scour, teams have to find a theater and look inside 1500 matrioshka nesting dolls to find one of the ten with a clue inside it. This would be a tough choice. I mean, if you're in first place, you have a 1 in 150 chance of finding the clue. Once people start finding them, it'll become harder and harder to find one. BJ and Tyler want none of that, and head for Scrub. Other teams approach the monastery. In the Double D/Tool cab, the girls realize that they have left their bag (containing their clues, their passports, and their money) back at the water facility. I guess they didn't learn one iota from Michelle's false scare. They have to go all the way back, so the Tools abandon them and keep going. Woo! Look at this "powerful alliance" in action!

A large knot of teams find the cathedral clue at the same time. Lake wants to head for Scrub, since the nesting dolls could take a long time. Michelle, of course, doesn't get a vote. As they leave, Lake points out the clue box to Ray and Yolanda, who seem to have already spotted it. The Tools and Frankenberry head for Scrub as well. Yolanda remembers passing the theater with the dolls on their way from the airport (smart!), so they go for Scour. Everyone grabs cabs. Ray and Yolanda's driver seems to be the only one who knows where he's going. Lake, get this, tells Ray that he should stop and tell their own cab driver what to do, since Lake helped him find the clue. Ray, not being an idiot, tells him he knew exactly where the clue was and if Lake did anything, it was slow them down. Nice! Lake, not one to be denied, tells his driver to follow Ray and Yolanda's. You'll remember that these two teams have chosen different Detours. Michelle points out that they may be headed in the wrong direction. Lake ignores her.

Blood Ray: "She may have to search through the dolls naked!"

The other teams, having language barrier problems with their drivers, are all basically following each other, which means everyone except Ray and Yolanda are headed for the "wrong" Detour. Heh. Double D gets a cab back to the water facility. Wanda is still trying to dive for the clue. Oy. Desiree's losing patience now. People on the sidelines cheer for Wanda, and she finally gets one of the clues. Desiree is proud of Wanda for conquering her fears or whatever. I remain frustrated that they made such an obvious mistake. They leave for the monastery. As they leave, they spot Double D, and are excited that they're not that far behind. MoJo and Dave/Lori have arrived at the monastery. They both want to do Scrub, and continue to share their cab. BJ and Tyler are lost, as are Frankenberry. Nobody in Moscow seems to have the faintest idea where the trolley depot is. The drivers do know where the theater is, so they essentially give up on Scrub and head for Scour.

Teams arrive at the theater. There's a band, and several costumed dancers set up behind a bullseye pattern of tables that have the dolls on them. That is a lot of dolls. Ray and Yolanda enter, with Lake and Michelle and the Tools right behind them. Lake is frustrated that they've been led to the "wrong" Detour. Which do you think Lake is more? Dumb or assy? Every time I think he's more of one, he turns on the other. What's funny about this scene is that the music and dancing are totally frenetic and upbeat. It's distracting, which makes searching through the dolls frustrating, but watching people search through the dolls extremely entertaining. Lake, Michelle, and the Tools start bitching about the dolls, and how Ray and Yolanda led them there. "You all should have picked your own damn Detour!" Yolanda calls back. I love them.

Remember how nobody knows where the trolley depot is? That includes Dave/Lori/MoJo's driver. They're frustrated. Wanda and Desiree find the cathedral. "I'm good at cleaning," Wanda says. Hee. Strange thing to brag about. They head for Scrub. They see Double D entering as they leave, and note that while Wanda and Desiree asked their cab driver to wait, Double D didn't. He leaves them there. They find the clue and choose Scrub, but now can't find a taxi driver to take them there. "Playing with your hearts" isn't working out too well, ladies. I'd suggest switching to your brains. Oh, wait. Sorry.

Commercials. I'm tempted to try that "fake" phone number that the U.S. Cellular ad flashes, just to see what I get.

Double D finally gets a cab. The teams at the theater continue hunting. I guess there must be a rule about putting the dolls back together if you don't find a clue in them. Eric finds one. Fuck. Michelle finds one. Fuck. It tells them to take a taxi to Red Square and find St. Basil's cathedral, where Phil will be. The two lead fucknut teams head out. MoJo/Dave/Lori are still lost. Meanwhile, in one of those twists of fate that make the show exciting, Wanda and Desiree find the trolley depot. They were dead last at the pool, and have now passed five teams! Double D is right behind them. They get to cleaning. The guy who will judge how clean the trolley is stands off to the side, and is cute. Ray and Yolanda have been searching for the clue long enough for the music to wrap around on itself. "I like this part!" Yolanda says. Heh. Way to keep your optimism up. Frankenberry arrives, and starts looking. It seems like they're just opening the biggest doll to search for the clue and not getting down to the little doll. Not a good idea. Ray finds a clue. Yes! Barry figures out that they have to actually, you know, open the dolls. As Ray and Yolanda leave, BJ and Tyler arrive. Wow, they fell waaaaaaaay back. They begin looking. Fran describes the dolls as the most frustrating thing she's ever done, and talks about getting eliminated. So make that three out of three episodes that they've started by saying how optimistic they are, and how hard they'll work, then sink to a steady whine about how they're obviously out.

People clean trolleys. MoJo/Dave/Lori finally find the place. The cleaning teams realize they're not as far back as they'd feared. Frantic cleaning ensues. BJ asks a dancer to do a lucky dance for him. She doesn't understand a word he's saying. Still, just as he says it, Tyler finds a clue. Spooky! That means they've vaulted themselves up to fourth place. Frankenberry moans some more. Red Square. It's equally beautiful to the other things we've seen tonight. The Tools and Lake/Michelle have arrived. They all run around looking for the mat. First to Phil are the Tools. Feh. Phil tells them they're first, but then gives an ominous "However...", which always spells doom. He goes on to say that the leg is not over, and they have to continue racing. Ah, a double leg. I can never remember if this counts as one of the non-elimination points or not. He hands them a clue, and we go into a To Be Continued.

Next week on The Amazing Race: "Fran and Barry struggle through the Detour." What? No fucking way! I've never seen them make a poor Detour choice! The Tools smash fake bottles over each other's heads. If only they'd snuck some real ones in there. Wanda and Desiree get snippy with each other. Teams go for a ride in a car that looks like it's about one millimeter from rolling over. Yikes.

Overall Grade: B-