Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 11
Previously on Top Chef: I prefer not to give the introduction the show does, because it sucks. Here's what really happened previously: Twelve chefs gathered in San Francisco to get BRAVO some viewers while Project Runway took a rest. Ken was convinced that being a loudmouthed, obnoxious asshole would garner him all sorts of attention and stir up controversy for weeks. He was wrong, and was punted immediately. That may be the best thing that happened all season. The chefs went on to create sexy desserts, and Andrea's poor presentation skills got her canned. In the third episode, Cynthia withdrew from the competition to tend to her dying father, so Andrea was reinstated. Candice and Stephen threw down, while Tiffani and Harold made me want to throw up by disdaining the very people they were supposed to be pleasing. Brian got eliminated, and it doesn't speak well of him that his booting was the least interesting thing to happen that week. Next, the chefs had to create food purchased at a gas station and food prepared in a microwave. Candice's inexperience and a snobby guest judge caught up with her and she was sent on her way. The next week, the chefs had to team up to create fusion street food, and we were forced to bid good-bye to the wonderfully wonderful Lisa. That was a rough one. Harold agreed with me, almost bursting into tears as she left, which almost made up for all the whining he did about challenges. The chefs then collaborated on one large meal. Andrea's lack of competitive drive got her eliminated for the second time. This time I was sorry to see her go. The chefs then set up restaurant space, and Miguel couldn't hide the fact that he's kind of incompetent any longer. Then came the horrible, moronic, bullshit wedding reception challenge, the only redeeming characteristic of which is that the pedantic blowhard Stephen got eliminated. Finally, the chefs prepared a pricy meal for some discriminating judges and Lee Anne got eliminated. Damn it. Oh, and also all of the judges suck except for Gail, who seems to be kind of a non-entity. Now, three chefs remain. Harold: The earnest, likable young man who has an unfortunate tendency to resent the fact that he's...on a reality show. Dave: The emotional, chaotic chef who will cry or snarl at the drop of a hat, but who excels at making tasty, familiar food, and who seems to derive genuine joy from cooking. Tiffani: The brash, aggressive chef who has spectacular talent, imagination, and drive, but who turns people off with her prickly attitude. Who will win Top Chef? Well, nobody tonight. It ain't called "Part 1" for nothing.
Las Vegas, Nevada. I've been there! And I was only drunk, gambling, or slobbering over hot guys, like, 50% of the time! Dave is driven up to the MGM Grand hotel. He's happy to have won the Napa challenge, and looking forward to the end of the Top Chef experience (in more ways than one, I suspect). Huh. I wonder how short Dave is, because the manager and valet who greet him at the hotel tower over him. No judgement -- I'm extremely short myself -- I'm just curious. He's shown into the penthouse suite, which is enormous and beautiful. You're know you're in good hands when your room has a pool table. Harold is the next to pull up to the hotel. He's ready to get to the final challenge, ready to win, blah blah blah. It's the same speech you hear from the finalists on every show ever. He hugs Dave and they get to exploring the place and kicking back with some wine. Nice. Dave interviews that he was happy to see Harold. Tiffani? Not so much. He goes on to say that she treats people like shit, but has the diplomacy to add the qualifier "in the kitchen" at the end of it. It was kind of him to not completely dismiss her. Speaking of Tiffani, here she is pulling up. Harold and Dave are upstairs hoping she won't show up tonight, but their hopes are quickly dashed. Heh, this is almost exactly what happened with Danzzz, Chloe, and Santino. She enters the suite and hugs the guys. Then, this confusing tidbit: "I'm a different person. Were it not for me seeing myself on television, I may not have ever had that wake-up call in my life. I haven't lost any intensity. I haven't lost any edge. The truth is I don't live my life with regrets. I think everything leads you to your next path."
Um. Aren't the two parts of that speech diametrically opposed? If you get a "wake-up call", it means you want to make a change in how you live your life. That implies regret. It's like she started out by trying to apologize for her TV persona, but then slipped right back into...her TV persona. Odd. Anyway, she says that she's gotten a lot of response, both positive and negative, but pulls that asshole move where people who say they've gotten criticized for the way they acted on TV claim it's because their detractors "don't understand" them. They understand you, dear. They just don't like you. Dave says basically the same thing, that Tiffani hiding her attitude behind her competitive drive is "contrived". He's nailed it. He wishes Lee Anne could have been in the finals, and man, do I hear him on that one. He tells the other chefs that when he returned from the show, the restaurant he worked at had closed, so now he's broke and unemployed. Yikes, that sucks. Tiffani says she's been working a lot, and interviews that if she wins, she'd like to explore the world and its food. That does sound awesome. Harold says that he went home from Napa and opened his own restaurant. Hey, good for him. Obviously, winning the show and the money would be a terrific boost for that endeavor. The chefs head off to bed, Dave pausing to answer some fan mail on his computer. Heh. I've got it freeze-framed on the letter he's answering. Part of it is cut off, but the visible part reads "We have been following you on Top Chef...Stephen? He is so pretentious and condesc....Oh, and Tiffany [sic]...where do these people...on!!!" Hehehe. Someone's ticked off! What kind of loser goes online and waxes intellectual about the reality show contestants he likes and dislikes? Wait, don't answer that.
Morning. Blah blah anxious about challenge. Blah blah want to win. Quickfire time. The chefs head to a kitchen where they meet the judges. KatieBot reintroduces Ptom (BOO!), Gail (meh), and the very first guest judge, Hubert Keller. She goes on to say that this will not be a traditional Quickfire Challenge. It will include the rushed elements of a Quickfire, but will really be an Elimination Challenge. Only two chefs will proceed to the actual finale. Surprising. The chefs are non-plussed, and for good reason. You go through all the challenges, go home for a while, watch yourself act like a doof on TV, come back, and get cut almost instantly? Ouch.
Commercials. Does anyone like these ads for the new Yaris cars? Because I find them mildly disturbing.
OK, so. Elimination Challenge. KatieBot says that the challenge will be to cater to varied and specific customer requests in a short space of time. That's right, it's room service. The chefs will get the same room service orders, and there will be three of them. The chefs will have half an hour to throw each order together, and the results will be placed on color-coded napkins. Dave will be black, Tiffani has burgundy, and Harold has teal. A judge will accompany the food to its customer and report back on how they liked everything. KatieBot gives them ten minutes to familiarize themselves with the equipment and supplies available in the kitchen. There's a lot. Tiffani and Harold interview that they've gotten used to really limited supplies for the challenges, and now there's actually an overabundance of choices. Dave interviews that he's not an on-the-fly chef. Harold interviews...you'll never guess what. That this is not his style of challenge! I like Harold. In fact, with Lee Anne gone, I'm actively rooting for him to win. That said? Harold? GET OVER YOURSELF.
Time for the first order. There are three high-rollers in the VIP suite, and they want two seafood courses, one hot and one cold. The thirty minutes starts counting down. Dave is frantic and hysterical. Tiffani is intense and methodical. Harold is laid-back and flexible. I fail to fall off of my couch in wonder. Harold says that his best bet as far as a hot seafood dish will be a mussel and paprika soup, and is making a thin-sliced snapper plate for his cold dish. Ptom is surprised that nobody's using caviar or the available Kobe sirloin to make a surf and turf. Well, Ptom, I'm surprised you can walk down the street without someone pushing you in front of a bus, so I guess it's wonder aplenty. Tiffani's using lobster for her hot dish, and raw carpaccio for the cold. Pretentious Chef to English dictionary. Carpaccio. Noun. Technically, a raw dish made of thinly sliced beef or tuna. Lately, its use has expanded to include any dish that is served in thin slices, from apples to zucchini, and to include several levels of doneness, from raw to fully cooked. Dave is throwing together some crab and prawn for his cold dish, with cinnamon/nutmeg opah for the hot. Those both sound good.
Everyone plates their food, and time runs out. The carts are taken upstairs, accompanied by Hubert. And hey, look who the high rollers are. It's Lee Anne, Stephen, and Miguel. Whoa, Lee Anne. That's quite a rack you're sporting, there. Speaking of clothes, does Miguel ever take that beret off? Stephen is obviously delighted to be a guest judge and have power over the chefs. Lee Anne is mostly just amused by it. I'm glad the chefs' food is color-coded and not presented by name, because I do want the chefs to get a fair shake and not have their personalities cloud the judging. Although if that were the case, Ken may have stuck around a lot longer than he did, so I should probably shut up. They start with the black table (Dave). They like the flavor of both dishes a lot, but feel neither is really sophisticated enough for the "high rollers" they're portraying. The opah could have used a sauce, and the lack of caviar is noted again. Next up is the burgundy cart (Tiffani). Lee Anne takes issue with the way the carpaccio is placed all to the side of the plate. That sounds like a tiny hair to split, but she's right, in that it makes it look like you're getting about two bites of food. Stephen likes the lobster, but feels it's underseasoned. Finally, teal (Harold). His snapper plate is very pretty and makes good use of flavor and texture. They feel it could use a bit of acidic flavor, but that's a minor quibble. They also like the soup, though they think it's a bit sparse for an entree. Stephen says for about the thousandth time that the chefs needed to think more about the fact that the dishes were coming to "high rollers". He's technically right, but you can tell he's enjoying his fake power status far too much. Overall, it looks like Harold's food is the most liked.
Second order. This is for poker players. The chefs have half an hour to prepare a fast food platter with four different types of snacks. Ptom wastes the audience's time some more. I won't inflict his pointless drivel on you. Tiffani thinks she'll do well because she does play poker in the poker rooms of Vegas. Dave is more anxious, because it's been a while since he's been forced to cook under such intense time limits. Harold thinks that the food doesn't need to be pretty or inventive for this order; card players would rather think about their game than their food, so as long as it tastes good, he's golden. In a normal situation, I'd agree with him, but most food prepared for poker players isn't being judged by a panel of critics. He says he just threw together a platter that you could find at any TGI Friday's. Onion rings, mini-pizzas, mini-grilled cheese sandwiches, and chicken wings. The chicken wings and onion rings are pre-prepared except for the frying, but he does make his own honey-mustard sauce for the wings and beer batter for the rings. Tiffani's going the more sophisticated route, frying three different types of potatoes into four different kinds of gourmet chips. She's also doing some goat cheese on crackers, brie and tomato sandwiches, and some herbed grissini with prosciutto. Dave's taking the middle ground. Fried eggrolls, chocolate-covered strawberries, fried shrimp, and a sundried tomato panini sandwich. Those all sound very functional and tasty. Tiffani's surprised at how uninventive Harold's platter is.
Commercials. I have no interest in watching celebrities play cards, but I will say that Jennifer Tilly rocks my world.
Gail accompanies the carts out to the poker tables. One of the players is a professional poker player whom I've never heard of. I love playing cards, but don't really think anyone deserves to be famous for being good at them. Plus, take your sunglasses off, douchebag. Gail briefly describes the food to the players. They eat Dave's first. Everyone loves his stuff. Tiffani's food is next. The players can't really eat her food without a fork, so it's not as functional as it should be. Also, her food is too fancy. One of the players describes himself as not sophisticated enough to really appreciate it. Yeah, the focus should be on the card game, so you don't really want food that needs a lot of attention. Harold's food. Everyone is completely in love with the chicken wings, and likes that his food is easy to eat. Taking all four dishes into consideration, Dave is the clear winner, but Harold's wings are the standout single appetizer. Things aren't looking good for Tiffani.
Third order. The customers this time are performers at the Cirque de Soleil theater. They will be getting three plates of high-carb, high-protein, low-fat food. I like this challenge. The three orders have all been very different and are good tests of the chefs' creativity, adaptability, and instincts. Tiffani says that half an hour for a high-protein meal is not really long enough to do a proper job. I'll take her word for it. Also, is she wearing a ring? While she slices up bloody meat? That seems like it would be uncomfortable and impractical. Whatever floats her boat, I guess. Harold remembers that people about to run a marathon tend to go for pasta, so he's leaning towards that. Dave chooses a Kobe tenderloin and is making a balsamic brown sugar/fig reduction in some garlic. Any dish where you can taste a nice amount of brown sugar is going to be aces in my book. He's also using some pasta and is making a complicated marinara sauce to go on top of it. Harold is using lobster with his pasta, is also working with Kobe beef, and is preparing a roasted chicken with gnocchi and mushrooms for the third plate. Tiffani also gets some Kobe beef, though she's thankfully too busy to throw a fit about what a copycat everyone else is. Ptom is surprised that everyone's using it, because although it has high protein, it's also very fatty. Tiffani's also made some sort of blueberry salad (which sounds really good) and unbreaded pork. As time winds down, Dave brushes by Harold and notices his dishes. It's at this point that he realizes that they needed to make three, but he misunderstood the original instructions and only made two. There's no time to make a third, so he knows he's fucked.
Ptom accompanies the food to the theater. Acrobats fly around, leaping and flipping up to the cart of food. It looks almost exactly like the monkey swarm. He describes the food, and everyone digs in. Harold's cart is up first. It's received well. One of the performers really likes the variety, what with the lobster and beef and chicken. Plus, his food conforms well to the nutrition parameters laid out. Dave's cart is next. His dishes have no oil in them, so that cuts down on the fat content. Good idea. Apart from that and the lovely sauce he's made for the Kobe tenderloin, this is beef and pasta. Snore. The performers do like the flavor of both dishes, though. Tiffani's blueberry salad is even more impressive than I originally thought, because it also incorporates crab, caviar, blood orange vinaigrette, and olive oil. I would really, really like to know how to make that, because it sounds awesome. Her pork dish has some mushrooms on the side, and the Kobe rib eye has most of the fat trimmed off. One of the performers thinks the pork is a little rubbery. Another thinks the salad is too fishy.
The chefs wait in the kitchen. Miguel, Lee Anne, and Stephen stride in. Harold's like "here comes trouble". I almost think he was wondering if this was another hellish twist to the challenge. Miguel tells the chefs that they were the high rollers they were cooking for in the first part of the challenge. None of the chefs is thrilled to hear this. Dave interviews that all three of them can be very critical, especially Stephen. Yeah, no kidding. Tiffani interviews that she knew she'd be seeing the ghosts of eliminated contestants at some point, but didn't know in what capacity. You'd think she'd have been nicer to them if that was the case, because you never know what kind of power old contestants will hold over you, and the last thing you want them to be is bitter towards you. Lee Anne asks how they think they did. Tiffani thinks all three of them did well. Lee Anne takes this as an ass-covering copout answer, sniping that they're in the final three (and implying that Tiffani needs to cut the pageant speech crap). I really didn't see that attitude in Tiffani's answer, and it's making Lee Anne look uncharacteristically snide. Don't burst my bubble about how cool you are, Lee Anne. It's a short walk to the shit list. Dave tells them that the Quickfire is an Elimination Challenge, which the eliminated chefs certainly didn't know. They have shocked looks for a few seconds, then Lee Anne inserts a neatly placed "That sucks." Hahahahaha!!!! Welcome back, Lee Anne. Miguel tells them that they've seen better food throughout the competition than the food he was served. Tiffani takes this as jealousy on his part that he's not in the finals, and I'm not sure I disagree with her. She and Harold point out how easy it is to step outside the game and point the critical finger. Miguel harps on the food some more, then says that he's not trying to play mind games, just asking them questions. Either that's a load of horseshit or his "questions" are rude and unnecessary. Either way it cuts, Miguel sucks.
Commercials. Spray a bunch of Clorox all over your food. Come on, it's good for you!
Judges' table. The judges, including Hubert, seat themselves. KatieBot seems more invested in this challenge, to the point where she sounds almost human. Hubert feels that Harold did the best job for the first order. It had good presentation and flavor. Dave's was too unfocused, and Tiffani's was too simplistic. Gail says she had fun at the poker table. I've never gotten the impression that Gail has fun at anything. In fact, I think that may be my biggest overall problem with the judges. They're so joyless. They don't really seem to care about the chefs or their food at all. Sure, the food needs technical analysis, but it also needs to inspire happiness or disgust or something. If Dave is too emotional, they're not emotional enough. Anyway, poker food. Tiffani's food was not appropriate to the occasion. It would have been nice on its own, but wasn't conducive to eating while playing cards. Harold's food lacked imagination, but Gail is forced to point out the rave reviews his chicken wings got. Dave did the best job overall, with his combination of flavors and just the right level of sophistication. KatieBot points out that Tiffani's kind of flailing right now, and asks Ptom about the third order. He says they enjoyed Dave's beef and Harold's chicken, but that there was a consensus that Tiffani's pork was too salty. Dave is in big trouble for not preparing a third dish.
The chefs are brought in. Ptom compliments all three. He brings up the lack of luxury items in the first order. Tiffani says she's used to cooking for high-rollers, and that they actually prefer simpler foods. I can believe that, though I'm a bit skeptical that Tiffani has the time, necessity or ability to actually differentiate between big gamblers and regular customers. KatieBot tells her that the challenge still called for impressive dishes. Tiffani thinks she delivered that. Harold is told that he won that particular part of the challenge. He gives a simple "thank you" in response, and Tiffani slaps his leg in a gesture of congratulations. In terms of the poker challenge, both the judges and chefs are a bit flabbergasted that Harold's wings were so popular. Dave describes the motivations behind his snack foods, and Gail gives him the news that the poker players really loved everything. He's gratified to hear it. Tiffani dances the best she can around the oversophistication issue by saying that if the poker players are becoming professional and advanced, then the food should advance right along with them. Or something. Third order. Dave is taken to task for the whole missing dish issue, though his beef dish was the clear favorite. Cue his nervous shoulder-rolling tic. Harold is complimented for the variety of his dishes. Decision time. Harold is obviously safe. He did a fantastic job this week. So, it's down to Tiffani and Dave. The tension is unbearable! Or at least, the music wants you to think it is, so I'll indulge it with some exclamation points!!!!
Commercials. When I think of wholesome, natural products, soda certainly springs to mind.
More tense music. Tiffani is told that Harold took two challenges and Dave took one, so she's in bad shape. They're asked if they'd like to add anything. Dave wants the chance to stay and cook some more. As does Tiffani. They'd both like the opportunity to show what they can do when they have more than a freaking half hour to throw everything together. Tiffani's food wasn't impressive this week. Dave forgot to make enough food. TIFFANI. YOU'RE. SAFE. DAVE. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Aw, that's a shame. He hugs everyone, including the judges. Tiffani interviews that it was hard to see him go, but hey, better him than her. Harold also thinks it's an unfortunate situation. Dave wonders how he would have fared if he had made that third dish, but doesn't want to make excuses for his ouster. He's the only eliminated chef to be granted a montage, as we see scenes of him laughing, crying, hugging, and goofing around. He thinks his friends and family will be proud of him. He is a touch bitter at losing to Tiffani, and ends with a plea that we not forget him; that he has a lot to offer. I know he's disappointed, but that was a tad undignified.
I've been chewing this elimination over in my mind. Was it justified? Was it inevitable? On the one hand, forgetting to make 33% of the food required cannot be ignored. It can't. It's more than fair that Dave get penalized for that. On the other hand, Dave's food was preferred over Tiffani's. And not just in one or two cases. The chefs made nine dishes total (eight in Dave's case), and every single one of Dave's beat every single one of Tiffani's. Surely that must count for something. So I guess it comes down to whether you think Dave's missing plate was a big enough transgression to completely overshadow his superior food. I'm undecided on that. Really, I could support either choice, except for one small thing niggling at my brain. The cynical part of me is convinced that the judges were looking for any excuse to get rid of Dave. There's no question Tiffani is good television, and do they really want to have a final two where both the contestants are likable? Nobody to root against? No good vs. evil? I'm approaching this from a producer's standpoint, not mine. I'd be thrilled to have a likable final two (and was). It may cut down on the suspense, but there's a lot to be said for knowing that you'll walk away from the finale satisfied. So if Tiffani owes her position in the final two to her blustering and attitude, that doesn't sit well with me. If the judges feel her food is superior to Dave's overall (which it very well may be), then that's fine.
Next week on Top Chef: Somebody wins! And given the edit that Tiffani's received this season, I'd bet money that it's going to be Harold!
Overall Grade: A-
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
5 Continents... 10 Countries... And More Than 59 Thousand Miles
The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 12
Deep breath. Ready? Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams set out from the Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. Their first destination was Sao Paolo, Brazil, where the Tools distinguished themselves as very good racers -- and very obnoxious people. The Hippies also led the pack, while Ray and Yolanda were busy getting sexually harassed. John and Scott got eliminated, and the world gave a collective shrug and went back to clipping its fingernails. The race then went to the jungles of Brazil. Frankenberry continued being old, while MoJo got their act together. Lisa (or Joni) and Joni (or Lisa) desperately needed to shut up, but never got the memo. Looks like they didn't get the one marked "Don't get eliminated" either, and we were all spared from listening to their shrieks for all eternity. I keep meaning to thank whatever deity was in charge of that. The Tools and Double D "cozied up" before everyone headed to Russia. Several aquaphobic people stupidly chose to take on a water-themed Roadblock. Teams searched through dolls while dancers whirled around them. Nobody was eliminated, and everyone headed to Stuttgart, Germany. The Tools surged ahead, while Frankenberry goofed at the Detour. Jeez, that sentence could apply to, like, seven episodes. Wanda and Desiree got super-lost, leading to their elimination. Then to Sicily, where the Hippies took the lead, and Lake and Michelle fell behind. The evil Roadblock caused Lori to go a bit insane. A struggling Lake and Michelle Yielded Double D. The latter got eliminated, ensuring Lake and Michelle a decent shot of getting into heaven. In the next leg, everyone was so bored, we all fell into comas. Everyone stayed in Sicily, and in almost the exact same order. Monica had a tantrum, Ray and Yolanda made up a bit of ground, and the charming Dave and Lori were sent packing. Crap. After a pointless stopoff that shall remain nameless because it was dumb, teams went to Athens, Greece. The Tools got the Fast Forward. Fran almost wet herself at the bungee jump. The Hippies got lost, but not as lost as the squabbling Lake and Michelle, who got eliminated just as they were starting to become intolerably obnoxious. Thanks again, race deity. The remaining teams went to Oman, where Ray and Yolanda got snippy with each other. BJ hit some rough luck at the Roadblock, and the Hippies came in last, only to be spared by non-elimination. I missed the part in the original airing when Tyler said that BJ was "literally...just dead". HE WAS NOT LITERALLY DEAD. LEARN HOW TO USE THAT FUCKING WORD! AMERICA, THIS MEANS YOU. On the next leg, the rivalry between the Hippies and MoJo heated up, and the teams flew to Perth, Australia. Frankenberry finally ran out of steam and got eliminated. The Tools cheated and didn't get punished for it, except by that race deity who really seems to like me. It's more than mutual right now. Somehow, this trick caused the Hippies and MoJo to hate each other even more. The Hippies got to the final Yield and misused it on MoJo, basically just to say "nyah, nyah". They got bitten in the ass when the Detour equalized everybody but a surging Ray and Yolanda, and the Hippies again came in last and were again spared by non-elimination. Then, it was off to Thailand where MoJo made a series of critical mistakes. The Hippies got the Fast Forward, and Monica screwed up the Detour, dooming MoJo to elimination. Gotta love that race deity. Now, three teams remain. Who will win The Amazing Race? Anyone but the Tools is fine with me, deity.
Opening credits. I don't think dancing lessons with my mom are in the cards. Like, ever.
Bangkok, Thailand. Ray and Yolanda, you'll remember, won a night in a luxury hotel last week, so they'll be leaving from the mat well-rested. The Hippies take off first at 11:18 PM. Their clue tells them to get to a nearby place called the Royal Kraal, where an elephant in ceremonial dress will give them the next clue with its trunk. Yay, I was wondering when the elephants from the opening credits would appear. BJ interviews that he came into the race convinced that he and Tyler could win every leg, but that it's been a humbling experience for him. Tyler's just glad they no longer have to worry about getting eliminated and can focus on winning. The Tools leave the mat at 1:21 AM. They're ready to win, and blah blah blah. The Hippies discover that the elephant place doesn't open until 4 AM, which sounds like a time made up by the producers to make sure everyone got equalized here. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 1:28 AM. Ray immediately kicks off the trend of being absolutely hilarious, which he and Yolanda will be keeping up for the entirety of the leg. He talks about how when you're in a relationship, even the most placid discussion about a wrong turn can turn into a deep, philosophical discussion of the entire relationship. He says it with a smile, as if to say "You know those wacky women and how they like to talk about their feelings." Heh. He and Yolanda put their things into a hot pink taxi. I didn't know Barbie was in charge of Thailand's transportation business.
Everyone catches up at the elephant corral. Ray calls the Hippies the "cricket boys". Hehe. Yolanda got her purple pants back from BJ at some point. 4 AM rolls around, and everyone goes in. The elephants hand over the clue, which tells them to get to Tokyo, Japan. Once there, they'll drive themselves to Shibuya, which is Japan's version of Times Square, and is the busiest intersection in the world. Obviously, these people have never been to Skinker and Delmar. When they get to Shibuya, they'll scan the many video screens on the nearby buildings for a hint to their next clue, which reads "Find Hachiko". Cool task. As everyone goes to the Bangkok airport, the Hippies rejoice because Tyler's girlfriend is Japanese, and he speaks the language. That is really impressive. Japanese is tough, yo. Once at the airport, Ray and Yolanda find a United flight to Tokyo that arrives at 2:15 PM. The Hippies opt to head straight for the Japanese airline. The Tools learn about the same flight that Ray and Yolanda heard about. Ultimately, Ray and Yolanda and the Tools get onto the flight, but the Hippies cannot, presumably because they wasted time at the wrong airline. Ouch.
Commercials. Please stop pretending that Americans like soccer, Madison Avenue. We don't. Give it up.
The first flight takes off. The Hippies are forced to get the next available flight, which apparently will put them an hour and a half behind. Phil describes the entire task again. I'll spare you. The lead teams hop a bus to the hotel where they'll pick up their cars. Once there, Ray and Yolanda take off immediately, relying on the map they bought at the airport. The Tools go inside the hotel and ask for directions. Ray and Yolanda start to revert to their early leg problems, and cannot find the highway they need. They stop for directions and get themselves back on track. The Hippies land. The Tools' hotel-provided map is giving them no trouble, while Ray and Yolanda continue to flail. Yes, it's the Tools who are first to drop off their car at the Sakamoto building in Shibuya.
Blood Ray: "Which one's Eric again?"
Limecrete: "The dark-haired one. On second thought, who cares? They're completely interchangeable."
Ray and Yolanda discover that they've taken the wrong highway. Sigh. Ray gets a dig in at Yolanda's navigation. She tells him to just drive. He says he's "Drivin' Miss Crazy". Hahahaha!!! Snap! Seriously, though, they're totally lost. The Tools start scanning buildings for the clue hint. It doesn't seem to take them too long to see the "Find Hachiko" sign. Phil lets us in on the fact that Hachiko is the statue of a dog famous in Japanese lore. I'd be curious to know what that story is. Near the statue is a man in a red and yellow scarf who will give the teams their next clue. This guy has got to be the fruitiest Japanese man in the entire country. Not to make sweeping generalizations, but he hasn't even opened his mouth, and he's already gayer than dancing around the Maypole with a crown of daisies on your head. The Tools easily get the heads up on the statue and pick up their clue. Detour! But before we get to the choices, I must say that Blood Ray and I had to watch the segment where Phil describes the Detour several times, because as he's explaining it, he's walking in a stream of Japanese pedestrians. One guy practically shoves him out of the way. Another lady has a massive sneeze attack just as she walks by the camera. Hehehe. Anyway, Detour! Maiden or Messenger. In Maiden, teams take a taxi seven miles to a tea garden. Once there, they choose a litter (with a funny name I didn't catch) that contains a maiden, and carry her one-third of a mile to a tea ceremony. Once they drop her off, they get the next clue. In Messenger, teams walk about 200 yards to a parking lot, where they'll need to assemble folding messenger bikes. They also pick up two packages that have to be delivered to two separate buildings. Once the packages are delivered and they return to the lot, they'll get the next clue.
Of course the Tools head for Maiden, because they can't resist anything even tangentially female-related. Because they are straight. No, really! Straight! Why are you raising your eyebrows like that? Of course they're straight! Can't you tell by the way that they're almost constantly talking about how to get into girls' pants that they are all about the ladies? I mean, why wouldn't they need to continually assure themselves and the camera that they love them some women? The Hippies are next to Shibuya, which means Ray and Yolanda are incredibly lost. Parking. Hint-spotting. Picking up the clue from Fruity. The Hippies go with Messenger, apparently because they can fluently ask for directions if need be. Sounds reasonable. The Tools arrive at Maiden and lift up a litter. It's probably the most successful they've ever been at picking up a chick. *rimshot* Thank you! I'll be here all week! They start walking for the tea ceremony, grousing about how sore they're going to be. The Hippies assemble their bikes, and take off. They seem to know exactly where they're going. On the other end of the spectrum, Ray and Yolanda are still stuck in their car, snarled in traffic and deservedly anxious about their situation. That's another ouch, which must mean we're headed into...
Commercials. Local newscaster Larry Conners wants me to know that a local park (where children play -- thanks for that additional scare tactic, ass) contains some coyotes. And he pronounces it "KAI-oats". What, is he Jed Clampett all of a sudden? Also, my friend's friend swears he hit on her in a bar once. If that's true... Ew.
Ray and Yolanda? Still lost. The Tools drop off their maiden at the tea ceremony. She pops out of the litter, and is kind of like a Japanese French maid whore goth girl. The clue tells them to get to the Capsule Land Hotel, which is exactly what it sounds like. In order to save space, the beds are narrow little capsules that you wedge yourself into, and everyone shares a common bathroom. Fun. The Hippies drop off their first package, and get directions to the second building. Ray and Yolanda finally, finally reach the Shibuya intersection, see the sign, and get the clue from Fruity. The Hippies drop off their second package. Ray and Yolanda, no fools they, know that navigating the streets will not be their strong suit, so they go for Maiden. The Tools make their way to the hotel while the Hippies go to drop off their bikes. The background music is a total knockoff of "Turning Japanese". I can't decide whether to laugh or roll my eyes at that. The Hippies get their Capsule Land Hotel clue. Ray and Yolanda pick up their litter. Ray tries to distract himself from the strain by singing "It's heavy, it's heavy, I've got a Chevy." Hehehe. The Tools reach the hotel and learn that they can check out at 9:00 AM. They're amused at the cramped quarters, though I'll spare you their lame jokes. Don't mention it. Ray is still singing. "I don't know, but you've been told. I'm gonna win this million dollars." Hahaha. Ray is cracking me up tonight. They drop off their maiden, who's just as crazy looking as the other one, and head for the hotel. Yolanda takes up the singing-about-nothing torch in the cab. These two are perfect for one another.
The Hippies check into the hotel. Turns out the Tools' lead isn't completely eaten up, because the Hippies can't check out until 9:15 AM. The two lead teams greet each other. Ray and Yolanda arrive, and will check out the next day at 9:30 AM. They say hi to the other teams, and Tyler asks if they got lost. Ray plays it off by saying they got caught in traffic. Technically true, and minimizes the fact that they can't navigate for crap. Well played, Ray. Everyone says good night and goes to sleep in their tiny, tiny beds.
Morning. As promised, the Tools leave at 9:00 AM. The clue tells them to drive themselves about eighty miles to Fujikyu Highland (which the audience is told is an amusement park at the base of Mount Fuji). The establishing shot of the mountain is breathtakingly gorgeous, and I'll just admit right now that "Fujikyu" is about the most fun word you can say aloud. Fujikyu! I will spend the rest of the evening shouting "Fujikyu!" at Blood Ray, driving him absolutely batshit. The teams will use the same cars they dropped off yesterday. The Tools ask for directions, then take off. 9:15 AM. The Hippies do the exact same thing. 9:30 AM. Ray and Yolanda head to a Denny's for directions. They have Denny's overseas? That's depressing. The manager has to give directions using a lot of hand gestures, but they seem to find the right highway. Said highway is a toll highway. Currently it is also a Tool highway, as they pick up their ticket, which they say they'll have to pay for later. The other teams pick up their tickets too. Ray has almost as much fun with the word "Fujikyu" as I am having. The Tools reach the booth where they have to pay for their toll ticket. After passing through, they ask for directions from a bus driver who tells them they can follow him there. The Hippies seem to be OK on their own, and actually manage to catch up with the Tools as they get to... Fujikyu! They pull the clue at the same time.
Roadblock! "Who's ready to coast through their day?" If Fran saw this, she'd be like "I took it cause I thought it would have to do with soap! I'm scared!" Tyler and Jeremy take the Roadblock for their teams. What they have to do is get on three thrill rides, one right after the other. On one of them, they should be able to spot a man waving a sign with their next location on it that reads "Lake Yamanaka". I love these scavenger hunt type tasks. It reminds me of Midnight Madness, which was an awesome movie, and introduced us to a young boy called Michael Fox. The "J" came later. You know what else has a "J"? Fujikyu! If the Roadblockers can correctly relay the message to the person running the ride, they'll receive their next clue. If they're incorrect or don't see the sign, they have to ride all three rides again. They get onto the first ride, and Tyler asks the girls sitting next to him to keep their eyes peeled for the sign. They seem unimpressed. Looks like a barfy ride; sort of a combination of that pirate ship that swings back and forth and a rotating wheel. Neither of them spots the sign. They run for the second ride.
Bad news. Ray and Yolanda can't find the ticket they picked up to pay for the toll ride. This is why I always stick stuff like that under the sun visor. That sucker's not going anywhere. I don't know why Ray isn't able to find the ticket, since it's not like they've been out of the car since they picked it up. Suffice it to say that they can't find it, Ray can't understand what the toll collector is saying, and the drivers behind them are starting to get testy. This would be my nightmare. Which must mean...
Commercials. Oh, for the love of fuck. Brenda Strong, who does those abominably annoying Mary Alice voiceovers on Desperate Housewives, is now doing an abominably annoying voiceover on a contact lens commercial. Stop talking, Brenda Strong.
The toll collector directs Ray and Yolanda to pull ahead and off the road. It takes them a minute, but they finally convey that they'll just pay him directly without a ticket. Afterwards, they ask him for directions to... Fujikyu! As he sends them on their way, the old toll collector pats Ray on the butt. He's hilariously flummoxed by it. In line for the second ride, a girl touches Tyler's nasty, scruffy beard and freaks out over it. Jeremy calls him an idiot, since a girl is paying attention to Tyler and not him. Because he's straight, damn it! The second ride is a coaster that takes off like a bullet. Tyler's skin is literally flattened against his face. Neither of them spots anything on this ride, either. As they get off, they ask each other if they spotted anything. Jeremy says no, but Tyler gives a non-committal "I just might have." He's fibbing, but Jeremy is...Jeremy, so he falls for it. They both get into the third ride, which looks like a more normal roller coaster. As they coast down a giant, monster hill, they both spot the sign, which looks extremely easy to see. They exit, tell the ride guy "Lake Yamanaka", and receive their next clue, which sends them to the lake itself - this leg's pitstop. Jeremy snots that Tyler "tried" to psych him out, leaving out the part where it succeeded. Phil tells us that once the teams reach the lake, they have to choose a boat shaped like a duck, and paddle out to a larger boat (shaped like a swan), where the mat is located. Hahaha! Those duck boats are so awful and cutesy-poo.
They run for their cars. Ray and Yolanda find Fujikyu, and Yolanda chooses now to repick almost the same fight from several legs ago. Something about Ray's tone of voice as he was parking. Because that turned out so well for them last time. I think she's just frustrated about the whole lost ticket thing, but Ray wasn't kidding when he said that a tiny aspect of the race can somehow become this huge metaphor for the whole relationship. They continue to snip at each other as they pull the clue. Ray's done all the Roadblocks he can do, so Yolanda takes it. She's still mad as she walks into the park, but you know what's good for cheering you up? Amusement park rides. She starts grinning as she's thrown around. In the Hippie car, Tyler tells BJ about trying to throw Jeremy off the scent, but that the sign was pretty obvious. Well, he did use the word "might" originally. He never explicitly told Jeremy he saw the sign. I only bring this up because in the Tool car, they're getting all mad at the Hippies' sneakiness. Can't really blame Tyler for your own stupidity, boys. And now's a perfect time to unpack that old gem - the cab canceling. The second they did that, the Tools gave up any right to act morally offended and self-righteous about anything, especially something as mild as this.
Yolanda rides the skin-flattening ride. She doesn't spot anything, and heads to the last roller coaster. She has no problem seeing the giant "Lake Yamanaka" sign. She's thrilled with the rides, yelling happily that she's "shifted some vital organs today." Hehehe. She gets her clue and comes back out to Ray. They try to get directions, but the guy says "right" and points left. Uh oh. Yolanda finds it on her own map, and says that she needed that break out of the car. I'd probably be insane by that point too. The Hippies pull up to the duck boats. The Tools are right behind them. Both teams run down a path to the water and now it's Intense! Duck! Boat! Action! I love that everyone's all fired up with the heat of competition while forced to ride in these ridiculous things. Paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle. And first to the swan is... The Hippies! Nice. They're team number one, and win one of those Sidekick thingies and three years of free service. Eh. The Tools check in as team number two. Tyler pats them on the shoulder and shakes their hands. The Tools are gloriously disappointed, which fills me with glee.
Phil asks if the Tools are worried about the final sprint to the finish line, given that they just got smoked in this mini-race. Jeremy ignores the actual question, and brings up the whole "Oooh, Tyler lied about the sign - can you believe it?" thing. My eyes roll so hard, they fall out of my head. I pop them back in just in time to see Tyler bring up the cab-canceling. Yes! Thank you! Jeremy, knowing he has no case and pissed at himself for getting beaten fair and square, whines that Tyler was "mean" for lying. No, really. He actually says that Tyler is "mean", which makes his transformation into a seven-year-old girl complete. Tyler isn't stupid enough to take the bait, and says that he did it because the Tools are such good competition, so the Hippies are going to use everything they can get to gain an advantage. Again, with no hyperbole or jest, I tell you that Jeremy responds by saying "Well, we're going to use everything we can get." Did he just invoke "Takes one to know one"? Or "I'm rubber, and you're glue"? My apologies to seven-year-old girls. The Tools aren't nearly that advanced.
Sigh. Ray and Yolanda. They paddle their duck boat. They're last, but of course this is the final non-elimination point of the race. Phil strips them of their money and possessions. They vow that they can bounce back and win. Hey, it's possible. Uchenna and Joyce did it. Of course, Uchenna and Joyce didn't get lost every three minutes.
Commercials. Ooh, the Academy of Country Music Awards! Dang, I'd love to watch that, but I'm afraid that's the night I rearrange my sock drawer.
Lake Yamanaka. More beauty shots of Mount Fuji in the background. No more eliminations. No more Fast Forwards. No more Yields. This is it. Race for the finish. The Hippies leave at 12:18 AM. Blood Ray swears vengeance if they don't leave some money for Ray and Yolanda, who have been more than kind to them when the Hippies themselves were on the business end of non-elimination points. Their clue tells them to fly to Anchorage, Alaska. Ah, a freak state. Always a good middle ground between foreign lands and home turf. Once in Anchorage, they'll choose a marked car with their next clue inside. They leave 2000 yen on Ray and Yolanda's car. Blood Ray relaxes. Sounds like a lot, but it's really only about eighteen dollars. That's probably good for a cab ride, though. Tyler interviews some more about the Hippies' general attitude of enthusiasm and such. I want to cynically make fun of them, but he's right. I don't know that I've ever seen a team enjoy the race so much, which I appreciate.
The Tools are off at 12:20 AM. Blah blah we're going to win. Blah blah second place isn't an option. Wake me when they say anything interesting. Eric reads the additional information that they'll drop their cars at the hotel they first dropped them at to catch a bus to the airport. More "Turning Japanese" knockoff music. Boring Tools-think-they're-funny-and-aren't scene. The Hippie and Tool cars split off into two separate exit lanes. Both teams think the other one made a wrong turn. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 3:01 AM. Ray points out that they're really good at coming back from behind. True. The Hippies have left a note that if Ray and Yolanda win the million, they want their 2000 yen back. Heh. The Hippies have chosen the more direct route to the hotel, and arrive first. They enter, and are told that the shuttle to the airport leaves at 6:10 in the morning. Tyler asks if the hotel has internet access, and is told it's on the second floor. The Hippies go on to ask the desk guy to pretend he doesn't understand if anyone else asks about the internet.
I always hate this kind of request, because 1) Teams rarely offer the person any incentive for lying. Well, Monica offered a kiss on the cheek once, which is actually more insulting than offering nothing. Which of course leads to... 2) Why should a serviceperson ignore his or her duties, possibly risking their job to help out your spoiled ass? And perhaps the most compelling reason is 3) IT NEVER WORKS. I have yet to see a local lie to help out some random team. The closest one came was when Asshole Rob bribed a bus driver into keeping the back bus door closed, which only detained other teams for about ten seconds anyway.
Anyway, the Hippies head upstairs. The Tools arrive at the hotel, and they also ask about internet access. The desk guy points up and says yes. The Tools ask if they can use it, and the desk guy says "Well, we don't have internet service." Whoa! Whoa! There goes all my careful reasoning. Thanks a lot, Japanese Liar. The Tools are suspicious, given that the guy just said that they do have it. The Hippies type away upstairs while the Tools call a general passenger information phone number. Ray and Yolanda head into a restaurant. A restaurant that's open in the middle of the night, and thus contains drunk people. Yay! They ask for money, and one drunk guy tells Yolanda that she looks like Janet Jackson. All the other guys laugh. Fleece them, Ray and Yolanda! They do. As they leave, Yolanda says that she'll tell Michael they said "hey". Hahahaha! Oh, Ray and Yolanda. They're pleased with their haul, and head for the hotel.
BJ finds a flight that connects through Seattle, and arrives in Anchorage at 10:53 AM. Downstairs, the Tools book tickets that connect through Taipei, and arrives in Anchorage at 7:50 AM. Guess the Japanese Liar didn't have the effect the Hippies were hoping for. The Hippies leave the computer lounge and turn off the lights so that it's hard to spot. Eric hopes that the Tools keep their lead, because the Hippies are "an hour behind". The Hippies sneak back down and the teams exchange a cursory hello. Eric lets them in on the fact that there is "no internet" in the hotel, which he thought was "really weird". I can't tell if he has suspicions that the Hippies are playing him somehow or not. Ray and Yolanda miss the first shuttle to the airport, where the Tools slip away from the Hippies so they can't be followed. I thought both teams had tickets already. Whatever. Ray and Yolanda catch the next shuttle. At the airport, the Hippies ask about better flights, and find the connection the Tools will be catching in Taipei. They grab tickets. Ray and Yolanda arrive. The ticket agent tells them they can get a flight arriving in Anchorage at 2:40 PM. In other words, Loserville. Ray and Yolanda spring into some airport work that really shows why they're still in the race, despite being crappy navigators. They disdain the 2:40 tickets and set about looking for something better.
The Tools take off. The Tools land. Now they have to sit and wait for their connecting flight. Yolanda jumps on the internet and finds the same flight the Hippies are on. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. They should just title this show Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong. They dash back to the ticket counter and try to get on. The agent tells them the flight is already closed. Ray points out that they could have gotten on that flight had the agent told them about it in the first place when they asked for the earliest one. The agent isn't thrilled that Ray just pointed out her mistake, and reiterates that the flight is closed. Yipes.
Commercials. Buy a Volkswagen so you too can be a fucking bitch who's simultaneously rude to your husband and other drivers.
Ray tells the agent that with twenty minutes until takeoff, they can make the flight. The agent gives in and gets on the phone to see what she can arrange. The Hippies board. Ray and Yolanda are told they may board the flight. See that? Flawless airport work. Yolanda is kind enough to thank the agent that almost cost her the race. They board. Ray tells the Hippies this is the first time he's happy to see them. BJ gives a phony laugh, then rolls his eyes when Ray passes by. Heh. Flight #2 lands, and there in Taipei, everyone is tied again. The Tools are disappointed by this development.
Anchorage, Alaska. It's snowing picturesquely. The clue in the cars tells the teams to drive themselves to Mirror Lake. Phil lets the audience know that it's thirty miles away. Everyone asks the airport parking attendant for directions. Tyler is cold. Ray and Yolanda, terrified that they'll get lost, pull over and pre-emptively ask for directions. They just got directions! It is at this point that I start to pull a pre-emptive move of my own, and begin to let Ray and Yolanda go. If they can't go thirty miles with directions provided in an English-speaking country without getting turned around, there's no way they'll win. I tell myself that I'll be ecstatic if they pull it out, but I'm going to have to throw some support in with the Hippies now, just in case. Don't let me down, deity. On the highway, the Tools pass the Hippies to take the lead. They reach Mirror Lake at the same time, the same way they have been arriving at clueboxes at the same time since the beginning of the whole damn race.
Detour! Drill It or Deliver It. In Drill It, teams walk across the frozen lake and set up an ice fishing camp. This consists of drilling ten holes through the ice to the water beneath, then pushing a mobile shack from the shore to their holes. In Deliver It, teams load a small plane with medical supplies, then use a map to direct their pilot over 150 miles roundtrip to an airfield. Once they deliver the supplies there, they get the next clue. This doesn't sound like a very balanced choice. Surely it couldn't take that long to drill ten holes. The Hippies and Tools initially opt for different Detours, but it turns out not to matter, because the weather's not good enough to make the trip for Deliver It, so everyone's going to have to do Drill It. Ouch, race planners. After some pointless snipping about "copycats", both lead teams set to drilling. It's not very interesting. So they drill. And drill. And drill some more. Where are Ray and Yolanda? Why even ask? They're lost. Thirty miles, two sets of directions, and they're lost. Sigh. You know I love them. You know I do. But I fear that now I must say: "Go, Hippies!" The Tools finish their holes first. They go for their shack. By the time the Hippies complete their holes, the Tools are almost done. They finish up and get their next clue, which directs them to Kincaid Park (which the audience is told is twenty-six miles away). Once there, they must find the chalet, suit up with snowshoes and poles, and use a map to search the park for the next clue box.
The Tools leave. The Hippies finish up and get their clue as well, and I'm guessing they're about ten to fifteen minutes behind at this point. As they leave, they spot Ray and Yolanda coming in. They call out and wish them luck. Ray and Yolanda set to drilling. The lead teams drive. Yolanda wishes she could drill with her legs, since they're a lot stronger than her upper body. Heh. As they finish their holes and run for the shack, they hope to catch up with everyone at the airport, since there will likely be one last flight before the finish line. I hope that too, but worry about what'll happen the moment they set foot outside the airport. I envision a lot of driving around in circles. The ice fisherman tells them he's going to check their holes. I resisted as long as I could but... Dirty! They're off to Kincaid Park. Yolanda compliments Ray on his drilling skills. The Tools arrive at the park and immediately spot the snowshoes. They suit up, consult their map, and wander off. The Hippies arrive, and pull a Frankenberry by running right past the snowshoes. They must pass within two feet of them. They search around a little, and run right past them again. Tyler almost bumps them with his feet. Auuuuugh! Please don't let the Tools win!
Commercials. I love the X-Men movies. I am unashamed!
The Hippies finally spot the snowshoes. They scamper off to find the clue box. Ray and Yolanda drive. The Tools spot the clue box. The clue tells them to go to their final destination city: Denver, Colorado. Hey, this may be the first time the race has started and ended in the same city since the first season. It's a good idea. Once in Denver, teams must travel by taxi to the Clear Creek History Park and search the grounds for their next clue. That's kind of boring. I always fear they'll bring the race to St. Louis, then give the teams all sorts of lame tasks. The Hippies continue hunting for the clue box. Teams can't take their cars to the airport, so the Tools grab a taxi. The Hippies spot the clue box. They go back to the chalet and waste time setting the snowshoes back up so that Ray and Yolanda will think nobody's been there. That'll totally work up until the part where it won't because Ray and Yolanda aren't idiots. The Hippies get a taxi. Ray and Yolanda get to the park, suit up, and head off in search of the clue box.
At the very horribly lit airport, the Tools find a nonstop flight that leaves at 11:10 PM. Invest in some new bulbs, Anchorage airport. The Tools book tickets. In the Hippie cab, BJ borrows the driver's cell phone and books the same tickets. Ray and Yolanda get their clue. The Hippies and Tools act all dumb about what tickets everyone has. Ray and Yolanda get a cab. The Hippies and Tools act all dumb about what tickets everyone has. Am I caught in a time loop? Ray and Yolanda enter the airport and have no trouble getting the same tickets as everyone else. Eric's kind of a dick about it, so they take the opportunity to rub his nose in the fact that everyone's tied again. Sweet. The flight takes off. Once in Denver, everyone grabs cabs to Golden, the town the history park is in. The Tools arrive, spot a clue in about ten seconds, and leave. Um, great task. The clue tells them to go back to where it all began: the Red Rocks Amphitheater. The Hippies arrive as the Tools leave and Jeremy yells out where they're going to the cab driver. Eric admonishes Jeremy for giving away information, because it's not like the Hippies are going to get the exact same clue in about fifteen seconds. They take a little longer to find the clue than the Tools did. As they leave, Ray and Yolanda pull up. They begin searching, but they're taking forever in finding the clue. It's looking like it's going to come down to a neck-and-neck race between the Hippies and Tools. We get a TMI closeup on all four of them. I really didn't need to know the exact number of pores on Jeremy's nose, thanks.
Commercials. I promise I'll patronize one of the businesses in this commercial break if the Tools don't win.
The Tools pull up to the clue box, which is by the side of the road. Well, we've had the final Detour, so this must be the final... Roadblock! Phil lets us in on the task. It's a great one. The Roadblocker has to run into a field of 285 flags. They then have to find the flags of each of the foreign countries they've visited, and put them into the order they visited them: Brazil, Russia, Germany, Italy, Greece, Oman, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. Just so it's not impossible to complete if a Roadblocker isn't familiar with a country's flag, there's a placard with all nine of the correct flags pictured on it, along with three incorrect flags. Teammates may help vocally, but not physically. It's a perfectly designed mental task. Hooray for mental tasks! Once they've correctly assembled the flags, they can run to the nearby finish line. "Who remembers most about the places you've been?" The Tools know exactly what the Roadblock is going to entail, and Eric takes it on. He runs into the field of flags as Jeremy tells the camera that Eric is the "brains" of the pair. Scary. Eric correctly places Brazil's flag. He correctly places Japan's flag. Noooooo!!!!!!
The Hippies pull up to the clue box. At this point, if the Tools are able to get through the Roadblock without any major screwups, there's no way they can lose. And they're already more than 20% finished. Arrrgh! BJ takes the Roadblock. Eric says to himself that Germany was before Russia (BZZZT!), so he grabs that flag. It looks like the flag fields are separated by particle board so nobody can cheat off someone else's work. Good idea. BJ gets started as Eric incorrectly places Germany's flag. BJ correctly places Brazil as Eric incorrectly places Russia. BJ cannot identify Russia's current flag, so he skips it, goes for Germany, and places it incorrectly. Arrrgghh!!!! Eric decides to work backwards and grabs Australia, while BJ gets Italy and places it incorrectly, since everything is now shifted thanks to the Russia fuckup. Ray and Yolanda finally locate a clue, but it's hopeless for them at this point.
In the meantime, Eric has correctly placed Australia and Greece (but Germany and Russia are still transposed on his lineup). BJ places Greece in its incorrect, shifted place. Ditto Oman. Eric correctly places Oman, but moves Greece so that it's now incorrect. I think my heart's going to explode. BJ incorrectly places Australia. Eric incorrectly places Italy. He's missing a country, and has to stop and think for a second before remembering being in Thailand. He grabs the flag. BJ's already gotten Thailand and has placed it into its shifted position like all the others. Eric correctly places Thailand, so he's got all his flags in, albeit in the wrong order. The judge lady tells him he's incorrect. BJ correctly places Japan, so he and Tyler know that Russia is what's fouling them up. They figure out which flag it is. Go, go, go! Jeremy, who you'll remember referred to Eric as the smart one, convinces his friend to switch the Thailand and Oman flags, which were two of the correct ones. So now the flags are in even worse shape. The pretty judge tells Eric he's incorrect. He figures out that Russia and Germany are flipped and switches them. Now, he's convinced he's done. Denied! He switches Italy and Greece, so now those two are correct. He would be done now, if not for switching Thailand and Oman. Denied!
Meanwhile, BJ starts shifting all his incorrect flags down a position to where they belong to get Russia in. Jeremy, having already fouled up his team, fouls it up even further by telling Eric to pull the Oman flag out and get another one off the placard. Not only that, but he's telling him to put it in the Thailand position. Denied! Jeremy tells him to change it back. BJ finishes his flags! GO, GO, GO! They're cleared. The Hippies take off running for the finish line. The Tools see them, and the realization that they've blown it dawns on Jeremy's face. It's a beautiful thing. All of the eliminated teams are standing by, and start cheering. Even MoJo, though they're probably faking it. Dave and Lori are still cute. Lisa and Joni are still annoying. The Hippies jog onto the mat, and they've done it! Yes! Thanks, race deity! Although now I'll have to get one of those nasty garden salads at McDonald's or buy a woman's leg razor. Phil tells BJ and Tyler that they are the official winners of The Amazing Race. Whew, that was too close for comfort. They hug in excitement and exhaustion. BJ says it was life-changing, and is the best existing therapy for couples. Shot of Lake and Michelle. Hehehehe. Tyler gives props to the citizens of the world. You're welcome.
Later. The Tools come jogging down the road. More cheering. Wanda and Desiree are so cute. They come onto the mat and are told they're team number two. The looks of anguish on their faces will sustain me for a long time. Aaaaah. I will say that they are good sports about their loss, and that's something. They're glad to have done the race with each other, though Eric laments that he'll have to go back to waiting tables now. Waiting tables is an eminently respectable profession, but still. Aaaaah. They appreciate the world more, and say that now that they've seen all these different places, they can decide where they want to go next. "And we'll probably go together," Jeremy concludes. But they're totally straight.
Later. Ray and Yolanda come jogging down the road. Aw. They probably didn't even have to do the flags. They hug the guys on the mat. They're team number three, and thank goodness they made it all the way to the finish line in place of one of the annoying teams. They're pleased with how they did, and I point out to Blood Ray that they are showing zero signs of affection. They stand apart from each other, and Yolanda carefully avoids answering the "When are ya gonna get married?" question shouted out by one of the contestants. She says she loves him, then bumps him with her elbow. Ray says that he's in love with Yolanda's strong mind. They hug, but don't kiss. Hmm. I've since heard that they did, indeed, get engaged later, but that's hearsay upon hearsay, so I don't know. Phil asks for a round of applause from everyone. The Tools give tepid golf claps. Aaaaah. And with a final interview from the Hippies about how in tune with the universe they strive to be, we are out of here.
Overall Grade: A
Good season, Amazing Race. I was very worried about this show, given what crap it was sliding into, and this was a very welcome return to form. Good casting, good tasks, and a winner that doesn't make me want to throw myself off a bridge. Can't ask for much more. Fujikyu!
Deep breath. Ready? Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams set out from the Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. Their first destination was Sao Paolo, Brazil, where the Tools distinguished themselves as very good racers -- and very obnoxious people. The Hippies also led the pack, while Ray and Yolanda were busy getting sexually harassed. John and Scott got eliminated, and the world gave a collective shrug and went back to clipping its fingernails. The race then went to the jungles of Brazil. Frankenberry continued being old, while MoJo got their act together. Lisa (or Joni) and Joni (or Lisa) desperately needed to shut up, but never got the memo. Looks like they didn't get the one marked "Don't get eliminated" either, and we were all spared from listening to their shrieks for all eternity. I keep meaning to thank whatever deity was in charge of that. The Tools and Double D "cozied up" before everyone headed to Russia. Several aquaphobic people stupidly chose to take on a water-themed Roadblock. Teams searched through dolls while dancers whirled around them. Nobody was eliminated, and everyone headed to Stuttgart, Germany. The Tools surged ahead, while Frankenberry goofed at the Detour. Jeez, that sentence could apply to, like, seven episodes. Wanda and Desiree got super-lost, leading to their elimination. Then to Sicily, where the Hippies took the lead, and Lake and Michelle fell behind. The evil Roadblock caused Lori to go a bit insane. A struggling Lake and Michelle Yielded Double D. The latter got eliminated, ensuring Lake and Michelle a decent shot of getting into heaven. In the next leg, everyone was so bored, we all fell into comas. Everyone stayed in Sicily, and in almost the exact same order. Monica had a tantrum, Ray and Yolanda made up a bit of ground, and the charming Dave and Lori were sent packing. Crap. After a pointless stopoff that shall remain nameless because it was dumb, teams went to Athens, Greece. The Tools got the Fast Forward. Fran almost wet herself at the bungee jump. The Hippies got lost, but not as lost as the squabbling Lake and Michelle, who got eliminated just as they were starting to become intolerably obnoxious. Thanks again, race deity. The remaining teams went to Oman, where Ray and Yolanda got snippy with each other. BJ hit some rough luck at the Roadblock, and the Hippies came in last, only to be spared by non-elimination. I missed the part in the original airing when Tyler said that BJ was "literally...just dead". HE WAS NOT LITERALLY DEAD. LEARN HOW TO USE THAT FUCKING WORD! AMERICA, THIS MEANS YOU. On the next leg, the rivalry between the Hippies and MoJo heated up, and the teams flew to Perth, Australia. Frankenberry finally ran out of steam and got eliminated. The Tools cheated and didn't get punished for it, except by that race deity who really seems to like me. It's more than mutual right now. Somehow, this trick caused the Hippies and MoJo to hate each other even more. The Hippies got to the final Yield and misused it on MoJo, basically just to say "nyah, nyah". They got bitten in the ass when the Detour equalized everybody but a surging Ray and Yolanda, and the Hippies again came in last and were again spared by non-elimination. Then, it was off to Thailand where MoJo made a series of critical mistakes. The Hippies got the Fast Forward, and Monica screwed up the Detour, dooming MoJo to elimination. Gotta love that race deity. Now, three teams remain. Who will win The Amazing Race? Anyone but the Tools is fine with me, deity.
Opening credits. I don't think dancing lessons with my mom are in the cards. Like, ever.
Bangkok, Thailand. Ray and Yolanda, you'll remember, won a night in a luxury hotel last week, so they'll be leaving from the mat well-rested. The Hippies take off first at 11:18 PM. Their clue tells them to get to a nearby place called the Royal Kraal, where an elephant in ceremonial dress will give them the next clue with its trunk. Yay, I was wondering when the elephants from the opening credits would appear. BJ interviews that he came into the race convinced that he and Tyler could win every leg, but that it's been a humbling experience for him. Tyler's just glad they no longer have to worry about getting eliminated and can focus on winning. The Tools leave the mat at 1:21 AM. They're ready to win, and blah blah blah. The Hippies discover that the elephant place doesn't open until 4 AM, which sounds like a time made up by the producers to make sure everyone got equalized here. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 1:28 AM. Ray immediately kicks off the trend of being absolutely hilarious, which he and Yolanda will be keeping up for the entirety of the leg. He talks about how when you're in a relationship, even the most placid discussion about a wrong turn can turn into a deep, philosophical discussion of the entire relationship. He says it with a smile, as if to say "You know those wacky women and how they like to talk about their feelings." Heh. He and Yolanda put their things into a hot pink taxi. I didn't know Barbie was in charge of Thailand's transportation business.
Everyone catches up at the elephant corral. Ray calls the Hippies the "cricket boys". Hehe. Yolanda got her purple pants back from BJ at some point. 4 AM rolls around, and everyone goes in. The elephants hand over the clue, which tells them to get to Tokyo, Japan. Once there, they'll drive themselves to Shibuya, which is Japan's version of Times Square, and is the busiest intersection in the world. Obviously, these people have never been to Skinker and Delmar. When they get to Shibuya, they'll scan the many video screens on the nearby buildings for a hint to their next clue, which reads "Find Hachiko". Cool task. As everyone goes to the Bangkok airport, the Hippies rejoice because Tyler's girlfriend is Japanese, and he speaks the language. That is really impressive. Japanese is tough, yo. Once at the airport, Ray and Yolanda find a United flight to Tokyo that arrives at 2:15 PM. The Hippies opt to head straight for the Japanese airline. The Tools learn about the same flight that Ray and Yolanda heard about. Ultimately, Ray and Yolanda and the Tools get onto the flight, but the Hippies cannot, presumably because they wasted time at the wrong airline. Ouch.
Commercials. Please stop pretending that Americans like soccer, Madison Avenue. We don't. Give it up.
The first flight takes off. The Hippies are forced to get the next available flight, which apparently will put them an hour and a half behind. Phil describes the entire task again. I'll spare you. The lead teams hop a bus to the hotel where they'll pick up their cars. Once there, Ray and Yolanda take off immediately, relying on the map they bought at the airport. The Tools go inside the hotel and ask for directions. Ray and Yolanda start to revert to their early leg problems, and cannot find the highway they need. They stop for directions and get themselves back on track. The Hippies land. The Tools' hotel-provided map is giving them no trouble, while Ray and Yolanda continue to flail. Yes, it's the Tools who are first to drop off their car at the Sakamoto building in Shibuya.
Blood Ray: "Which one's Eric again?"
Limecrete: "The dark-haired one. On second thought, who cares? They're completely interchangeable."
Ray and Yolanda discover that they've taken the wrong highway. Sigh. Ray gets a dig in at Yolanda's navigation. She tells him to just drive. He says he's "Drivin' Miss Crazy". Hahahaha!!! Snap! Seriously, though, they're totally lost. The Tools start scanning buildings for the clue hint. It doesn't seem to take them too long to see the "Find Hachiko" sign. Phil lets us in on the fact that Hachiko is the statue of a dog famous in Japanese lore. I'd be curious to know what that story is. Near the statue is a man in a red and yellow scarf who will give the teams their next clue. This guy has got to be the fruitiest Japanese man in the entire country. Not to make sweeping generalizations, but he hasn't even opened his mouth, and he's already gayer than dancing around the Maypole with a crown of daisies on your head. The Tools easily get the heads up on the statue and pick up their clue. Detour! But before we get to the choices, I must say that Blood Ray and I had to watch the segment where Phil describes the Detour several times, because as he's explaining it, he's walking in a stream of Japanese pedestrians. One guy practically shoves him out of the way. Another lady has a massive sneeze attack just as she walks by the camera. Hehehe. Anyway, Detour! Maiden or Messenger. In Maiden, teams take a taxi seven miles to a tea garden. Once there, they choose a litter (with a funny name I didn't catch) that contains a maiden, and carry her one-third of a mile to a tea ceremony. Once they drop her off, they get the next clue. In Messenger, teams walk about 200 yards to a parking lot, where they'll need to assemble folding messenger bikes. They also pick up two packages that have to be delivered to two separate buildings. Once the packages are delivered and they return to the lot, they'll get the next clue.
Of course the Tools head for Maiden, because they can't resist anything even tangentially female-related. Because they are straight. No, really! Straight! Why are you raising your eyebrows like that? Of course they're straight! Can't you tell by the way that they're almost constantly talking about how to get into girls' pants that they are all about the ladies? I mean, why wouldn't they need to continually assure themselves and the camera that they love them some women? The Hippies are next to Shibuya, which means Ray and Yolanda are incredibly lost. Parking. Hint-spotting. Picking up the clue from Fruity. The Hippies go with Messenger, apparently because they can fluently ask for directions if need be. Sounds reasonable. The Tools arrive at Maiden and lift up a litter. It's probably the most successful they've ever been at picking up a chick. *rimshot* Thank you! I'll be here all week! They start walking for the tea ceremony, grousing about how sore they're going to be. The Hippies assemble their bikes, and take off. They seem to know exactly where they're going. On the other end of the spectrum, Ray and Yolanda are still stuck in their car, snarled in traffic and deservedly anxious about their situation. That's another ouch, which must mean we're headed into...
Commercials. Local newscaster Larry Conners wants me to know that a local park (where children play -- thanks for that additional scare tactic, ass) contains some coyotes. And he pronounces it "KAI-oats". What, is he Jed Clampett all of a sudden? Also, my friend's friend swears he hit on her in a bar once. If that's true... Ew.
Ray and Yolanda? Still lost. The Tools drop off their maiden at the tea ceremony. She pops out of the litter, and is kind of like a Japanese French maid whore goth girl. The clue tells them to get to the Capsule Land Hotel, which is exactly what it sounds like. In order to save space, the beds are narrow little capsules that you wedge yourself into, and everyone shares a common bathroom. Fun. The Hippies drop off their first package, and get directions to the second building. Ray and Yolanda finally, finally reach the Shibuya intersection, see the sign, and get the clue from Fruity. The Hippies drop off their second package. Ray and Yolanda, no fools they, know that navigating the streets will not be their strong suit, so they go for Maiden. The Tools make their way to the hotel while the Hippies go to drop off their bikes. The background music is a total knockoff of "Turning Japanese". I can't decide whether to laugh or roll my eyes at that. The Hippies get their Capsule Land Hotel clue. Ray and Yolanda pick up their litter. Ray tries to distract himself from the strain by singing "It's heavy, it's heavy, I've got a Chevy." Hehehe. The Tools reach the hotel and learn that they can check out at 9:00 AM. They're amused at the cramped quarters, though I'll spare you their lame jokes. Don't mention it. Ray is still singing. "I don't know, but you've been told. I'm gonna win this million dollars." Hahaha. Ray is cracking me up tonight. They drop off their maiden, who's just as crazy looking as the other one, and head for the hotel. Yolanda takes up the singing-about-nothing torch in the cab. These two are perfect for one another.
The Hippies check into the hotel. Turns out the Tools' lead isn't completely eaten up, because the Hippies can't check out until 9:15 AM. The two lead teams greet each other. Ray and Yolanda arrive, and will check out the next day at 9:30 AM. They say hi to the other teams, and Tyler asks if they got lost. Ray plays it off by saying they got caught in traffic. Technically true, and minimizes the fact that they can't navigate for crap. Well played, Ray. Everyone says good night and goes to sleep in their tiny, tiny beds.
Morning. As promised, the Tools leave at 9:00 AM. The clue tells them to drive themselves about eighty miles to Fujikyu Highland (which the audience is told is an amusement park at the base of Mount Fuji). The establishing shot of the mountain is breathtakingly gorgeous, and I'll just admit right now that "Fujikyu" is about the most fun word you can say aloud. Fujikyu! I will spend the rest of the evening shouting "Fujikyu!" at Blood Ray, driving him absolutely batshit. The teams will use the same cars they dropped off yesterday. The Tools ask for directions, then take off. 9:15 AM. The Hippies do the exact same thing. 9:30 AM. Ray and Yolanda head to a Denny's for directions. They have Denny's overseas? That's depressing. The manager has to give directions using a lot of hand gestures, but they seem to find the right highway. Said highway is a toll highway. Currently it is also a Tool highway, as they pick up their ticket, which they say they'll have to pay for later. The other teams pick up their tickets too. Ray has almost as much fun with the word "Fujikyu" as I am having. The Tools reach the booth where they have to pay for their toll ticket. After passing through, they ask for directions from a bus driver who tells them they can follow him there. The Hippies seem to be OK on their own, and actually manage to catch up with the Tools as they get to... Fujikyu! They pull the clue at the same time.
Roadblock! "Who's ready to coast through their day?" If Fran saw this, she'd be like "I took it cause I thought it would have to do with soap! I'm scared!" Tyler and Jeremy take the Roadblock for their teams. What they have to do is get on three thrill rides, one right after the other. On one of them, they should be able to spot a man waving a sign with their next location on it that reads "Lake Yamanaka". I love these scavenger hunt type tasks. It reminds me of Midnight Madness, which was an awesome movie, and introduced us to a young boy called Michael Fox. The "J" came later. You know what else has a "J"? Fujikyu! If the Roadblockers can correctly relay the message to the person running the ride, they'll receive their next clue. If they're incorrect or don't see the sign, they have to ride all three rides again. They get onto the first ride, and Tyler asks the girls sitting next to him to keep their eyes peeled for the sign. They seem unimpressed. Looks like a barfy ride; sort of a combination of that pirate ship that swings back and forth and a rotating wheel. Neither of them spots the sign. They run for the second ride.
Bad news. Ray and Yolanda can't find the ticket they picked up to pay for the toll ride. This is why I always stick stuff like that under the sun visor. That sucker's not going anywhere. I don't know why Ray isn't able to find the ticket, since it's not like they've been out of the car since they picked it up. Suffice it to say that they can't find it, Ray can't understand what the toll collector is saying, and the drivers behind them are starting to get testy. This would be my nightmare. Which must mean...
Commercials. Oh, for the love of fuck. Brenda Strong, who does those abominably annoying Mary Alice voiceovers on Desperate Housewives, is now doing an abominably annoying voiceover on a contact lens commercial. Stop talking, Brenda Strong.
The toll collector directs Ray and Yolanda to pull ahead and off the road. It takes them a minute, but they finally convey that they'll just pay him directly without a ticket. Afterwards, they ask him for directions to... Fujikyu! As he sends them on their way, the old toll collector pats Ray on the butt. He's hilariously flummoxed by it. In line for the second ride, a girl touches Tyler's nasty, scruffy beard and freaks out over it. Jeremy calls him an idiot, since a girl is paying attention to Tyler and not him. Because he's straight, damn it! The second ride is a coaster that takes off like a bullet. Tyler's skin is literally flattened against his face. Neither of them spots anything on this ride, either. As they get off, they ask each other if they spotted anything. Jeremy says no, but Tyler gives a non-committal "I just might have." He's fibbing, but Jeremy is...Jeremy, so he falls for it. They both get into the third ride, which looks like a more normal roller coaster. As they coast down a giant, monster hill, they both spot the sign, which looks extremely easy to see. They exit, tell the ride guy "Lake Yamanaka", and receive their next clue, which sends them to the lake itself - this leg's pitstop. Jeremy snots that Tyler "tried" to psych him out, leaving out the part where it succeeded. Phil tells us that once the teams reach the lake, they have to choose a boat shaped like a duck, and paddle out to a larger boat (shaped like a swan), where the mat is located. Hahaha! Those duck boats are so awful and cutesy-poo.
They run for their cars. Ray and Yolanda find Fujikyu, and Yolanda chooses now to repick almost the same fight from several legs ago. Something about Ray's tone of voice as he was parking. Because that turned out so well for them last time. I think she's just frustrated about the whole lost ticket thing, but Ray wasn't kidding when he said that a tiny aspect of the race can somehow become this huge metaphor for the whole relationship. They continue to snip at each other as they pull the clue. Ray's done all the Roadblocks he can do, so Yolanda takes it. She's still mad as she walks into the park, but you know what's good for cheering you up? Amusement park rides. She starts grinning as she's thrown around. In the Hippie car, Tyler tells BJ about trying to throw Jeremy off the scent, but that the sign was pretty obvious. Well, he did use the word "might" originally. He never explicitly told Jeremy he saw the sign. I only bring this up because in the Tool car, they're getting all mad at the Hippies' sneakiness. Can't really blame Tyler for your own stupidity, boys. And now's a perfect time to unpack that old gem - the cab canceling. The second they did that, the Tools gave up any right to act morally offended and self-righteous about anything, especially something as mild as this.
Yolanda rides the skin-flattening ride. She doesn't spot anything, and heads to the last roller coaster. She has no problem seeing the giant "Lake Yamanaka" sign. She's thrilled with the rides, yelling happily that she's "shifted some vital organs today." Hehehe. She gets her clue and comes back out to Ray. They try to get directions, but the guy says "right" and points left. Uh oh. Yolanda finds it on her own map, and says that she needed that break out of the car. I'd probably be insane by that point too. The Hippies pull up to the duck boats. The Tools are right behind them. Both teams run down a path to the water and now it's Intense! Duck! Boat! Action! I love that everyone's all fired up with the heat of competition while forced to ride in these ridiculous things. Paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle. And first to the swan is... The Hippies! Nice. They're team number one, and win one of those Sidekick thingies and three years of free service. Eh. The Tools check in as team number two. Tyler pats them on the shoulder and shakes their hands. The Tools are gloriously disappointed, which fills me with glee.
Phil asks if the Tools are worried about the final sprint to the finish line, given that they just got smoked in this mini-race. Jeremy ignores the actual question, and brings up the whole "Oooh, Tyler lied about the sign - can you believe it?" thing. My eyes roll so hard, they fall out of my head. I pop them back in just in time to see Tyler bring up the cab-canceling. Yes! Thank you! Jeremy, knowing he has no case and pissed at himself for getting beaten fair and square, whines that Tyler was "mean" for lying. No, really. He actually says that Tyler is "mean", which makes his transformation into a seven-year-old girl complete. Tyler isn't stupid enough to take the bait, and says that he did it because the Tools are such good competition, so the Hippies are going to use everything they can get to gain an advantage. Again, with no hyperbole or jest, I tell you that Jeremy responds by saying "Well, we're going to use everything we can get." Did he just invoke "Takes one to know one"? Or "I'm rubber, and you're glue"? My apologies to seven-year-old girls. The Tools aren't nearly that advanced.
Sigh. Ray and Yolanda. They paddle their duck boat. They're last, but of course this is the final non-elimination point of the race. Phil strips them of their money and possessions. They vow that they can bounce back and win. Hey, it's possible. Uchenna and Joyce did it. Of course, Uchenna and Joyce didn't get lost every three minutes.
Commercials. Ooh, the Academy of Country Music Awards! Dang, I'd love to watch that, but I'm afraid that's the night I rearrange my sock drawer.
Lake Yamanaka. More beauty shots of Mount Fuji in the background. No more eliminations. No more Fast Forwards. No more Yields. This is it. Race for the finish. The Hippies leave at 12:18 AM. Blood Ray swears vengeance if they don't leave some money for Ray and Yolanda, who have been more than kind to them when the Hippies themselves were on the business end of non-elimination points. Their clue tells them to fly to Anchorage, Alaska. Ah, a freak state. Always a good middle ground between foreign lands and home turf. Once in Anchorage, they'll choose a marked car with their next clue inside. They leave 2000 yen on Ray and Yolanda's car. Blood Ray relaxes. Sounds like a lot, but it's really only about eighteen dollars. That's probably good for a cab ride, though. Tyler interviews some more about the Hippies' general attitude of enthusiasm and such. I want to cynically make fun of them, but he's right. I don't know that I've ever seen a team enjoy the race so much, which I appreciate.
The Tools are off at 12:20 AM. Blah blah we're going to win. Blah blah second place isn't an option. Wake me when they say anything interesting. Eric reads the additional information that they'll drop their cars at the hotel they first dropped them at to catch a bus to the airport. More "Turning Japanese" knockoff music. Boring Tools-think-they're-funny-and-aren't scene. The Hippie and Tool cars split off into two separate exit lanes. Both teams think the other one made a wrong turn. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 3:01 AM. Ray points out that they're really good at coming back from behind. True. The Hippies have left a note that if Ray and Yolanda win the million, they want their 2000 yen back. Heh. The Hippies have chosen the more direct route to the hotel, and arrive first. They enter, and are told that the shuttle to the airport leaves at 6:10 in the morning. Tyler asks if the hotel has internet access, and is told it's on the second floor. The Hippies go on to ask the desk guy to pretend he doesn't understand if anyone else asks about the internet.
I always hate this kind of request, because 1) Teams rarely offer the person any incentive for lying. Well, Monica offered a kiss on the cheek once, which is actually more insulting than offering nothing. Which of course leads to... 2) Why should a serviceperson ignore his or her duties, possibly risking their job to help out your spoiled ass? And perhaps the most compelling reason is 3) IT NEVER WORKS. I have yet to see a local lie to help out some random team. The closest one came was when Asshole Rob bribed a bus driver into keeping the back bus door closed, which only detained other teams for about ten seconds anyway.
Anyway, the Hippies head upstairs. The Tools arrive at the hotel, and they also ask about internet access. The desk guy points up and says yes. The Tools ask if they can use it, and the desk guy says "Well, we don't have internet service." Whoa! Whoa! There goes all my careful reasoning. Thanks a lot, Japanese Liar. The Tools are suspicious, given that the guy just said that they do have it. The Hippies type away upstairs while the Tools call a general passenger information phone number. Ray and Yolanda head into a restaurant. A restaurant that's open in the middle of the night, and thus contains drunk people. Yay! They ask for money, and one drunk guy tells Yolanda that she looks like Janet Jackson. All the other guys laugh. Fleece them, Ray and Yolanda! They do. As they leave, Yolanda says that she'll tell Michael they said "hey". Hahahaha! Oh, Ray and Yolanda. They're pleased with their haul, and head for the hotel.
BJ finds a flight that connects through Seattle, and arrives in Anchorage at 10:53 AM. Downstairs, the Tools book tickets that connect through Taipei, and arrives in Anchorage at 7:50 AM. Guess the Japanese Liar didn't have the effect the Hippies were hoping for. The Hippies leave the computer lounge and turn off the lights so that it's hard to spot. Eric hopes that the Tools keep their lead, because the Hippies are "an hour behind". The Hippies sneak back down and the teams exchange a cursory hello. Eric lets them in on the fact that there is "no internet" in the hotel, which he thought was "really weird". I can't tell if he has suspicions that the Hippies are playing him somehow or not. Ray and Yolanda miss the first shuttle to the airport, where the Tools slip away from the Hippies so they can't be followed. I thought both teams had tickets already. Whatever. Ray and Yolanda catch the next shuttle. At the airport, the Hippies ask about better flights, and find the connection the Tools will be catching in Taipei. They grab tickets. Ray and Yolanda arrive. The ticket agent tells them they can get a flight arriving in Anchorage at 2:40 PM. In other words, Loserville. Ray and Yolanda spring into some airport work that really shows why they're still in the race, despite being crappy navigators. They disdain the 2:40 tickets and set about looking for something better.
The Tools take off. The Tools land. Now they have to sit and wait for their connecting flight. Yolanda jumps on the internet and finds the same flight the Hippies are on. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. They should just title this show Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong. They dash back to the ticket counter and try to get on. The agent tells them the flight is already closed. Ray points out that they could have gotten on that flight had the agent told them about it in the first place when they asked for the earliest one. The agent isn't thrilled that Ray just pointed out her mistake, and reiterates that the flight is closed. Yipes.
Commercials. Buy a Volkswagen so you too can be a fucking bitch who's simultaneously rude to your husband and other drivers.
Ray tells the agent that with twenty minutes until takeoff, they can make the flight. The agent gives in and gets on the phone to see what she can arrange. The Hippies board. Ray and Yolanda are told they may board the flight. See that? Flawless airport work. Yolanda is kind enough to thank the agent that almost cost her the race. They board. Ray tells the Hippies this is the first time he's happy to see them. BJ gives a phony laugh, then rolls his eyes when Ray passes by. Heh. Flight #2 lands, and there in Taipei, everyone is tied again. The Tools are disappointed by this development.
Anchorage, Alaska. It's snowing picturesquely. The clue in the cars tells the teams to drive themselves to Mirror Lake. Phil lets the audience know that it's thirty miles away. Everyone asks the airport parking attendant for directions. Tyler is cold. Ray and Yolanda, terrified that they'll get lost, pull over and pre-emptively ask for directions. They just got directions! It is at this point that I start to pull a pre-emptive move of my own, and begin to let Ray and Yolanda go. If they can't go thirty miles with directions provided in an English-speaking country without getting turned around, there's no way they'll win. I tell myself that I'll be ecstatic if they pull it out, but I'm going to have to throw some support in with the Hippies now, just in case. Don't let me down, deity. On the highway, the Tools pass the Hippies to take the lead. They reach Mirror Lake at the same time, the same way they have been arriving at clueboxes at the same time since the beginning of the whole damn race.
Detour! Drill It or Deliver It. In Drill It, teams walk across the frozen lake and set up an ice fishing camp. This consists of drilling ten holes through the ice to the water beneath, then pushing a mobile shack from the shore to their holes. In Deliver It, teams load a small plane with medical supplies, then use a map to direct their pilot over 150 miles roundtrip to an airfield. Once they deliver the supplies there, they get the next clue. This doesn't sound like a very balanced choice. Surely it couldn't take that long to drill ten holes. The Hippies and Tools initially opt for different Detours, but it turns out not to matter, because the weather's not good enough to make the trip for Deliver It, so everyone's going to have to do Drill It. Ouch, race planners. After some pointless snipping about "copycats", both lead teams set to drilling. It's not very interesting. So they drill. And drill. And drill some more. Where are Ray and Yolanda? Why even ask? They're lost. Thirty miles, two sets of directions, and they're lost. Sigh. You know I love them. You know I do. But I fear that now I must say: "Go, Hippies!" The Tools finish their holes first. They go for their shack. By the time the Hippies complete their holes, the Tools are almost done. They finish up and get their next clue, which directs them to Kincaid Park (which the audience is told is twenty-six miles away). Once there, they must find the chalet, suit up with snowshoes and poles, and use a map to search the park for the next clue box.
The Tools leave. The Hippies finish up and get their clue as well, and I'm guessing they're about ten to fifteen minutes behind at this point. As they leave, they spot Ray and Yolanda coming in. They call out and wish them luck. Ray and Yolanda set to drilling. The lead teams drive. Yolanda wishes she could drill with her legs, since they're a lot stronger than her upper body. Heh. As they finish their holes and run for the shack, they hope to catch up with everyone at the airport, since there will likely be one last flight before the finish line. I hope that too, but worry about what'll happen the moment they set foot outside the airport. I envision a lot of driving around in circles. The ice fisherman tells them he's going to check their holes. I resisted as long as I could but... Dirty! They're off to Kincaid Park. Yolanda compliments Ray on his drilling skills. The Tools arrive at the park and immediately spot the snowshoes. They suit up, consult their map, and wander off. The Hippies arrive, and pull a Frankenberry by running right past the snowshoes. They must pass within two feet of them. They search around a little, and run right past them again. Tyler almost bumps them with his feet. Auuuuugh! Please don't let the Tools win!
Commercials. I love the X-Men movies. I am unashamed!
The Hippies finally spot the snowshoes. They scamper off to find the clue box. Ray and Yolanda drive. The Tools spot the clue box. The clue tells them to go to their final destination city: Denver, Colorado. Hey, this may be the first time the race has started and ended in the same city since the first season. It's a good idea. Once in Denver, teams must travel by taxi to the Clear Creek History Park and search the grounds for their next clue. That's kind of boring. I always fear they'll bring the race to St. Louis, then give the teams all sorts of lame tasks. The Hippies continue hunting for the clue box. Teams can't take their cars to the airport, so the Tools grab a taxi. The Hippies spot the clue box. They go back to the chalet and waste time setting the snowshoes back up so that Ray and Yolanda will think nobody's been there. That'll totally work up until the part where it won't because Ray and Yolanda aren't idiots. The Hippies get a taxi. Ray and Yolanda get to the park, suit up, and head off in search of the clue box.
At the very horribly lit airport, the Tools find a nonstop flight that leaves at 11:10 PM. Invest in some new bulbs, Anchorage airport. The Tools book tickets. In the Hippie cab, BJ borrows the driver's cell phone and books the same tickets. Ray and Yolanda get their clue. The Hippies and Tools act all dumb about what tickets everyone has. Ray and Yolanda get a cab. The Hippies and Tools act all dumb about what tickets everyone has. Am I caught in a time loop? Ray and Yolanda enter the airport and have no trouble getting the same tickets as everyone else. Eric's kind of a dick about it, so they take the opportunity to rub his nose in the fact that everyone's tied again. Sweet. The flight takes off. Once in Denver, everyone grabs cabs to Golden, the town the history park is in. The Tools arrive, spot a clue in about ten seconds, and leave. Um, great task. The clue tells them to go back to where it all began: the Red Rocks Amphitheater. The Hippies arrive as the Tools leave and Jeremy yells out where they're going to the cab driver. Eric admonishes Jeremy for giving away information, because it's not like the Hippies are going to get the exact same clue in about fifteen seconds. They take a little longer to find the clue than the Tools did. As they leave, Ray and Yolanda pull up. They begin searching, but they're taking forever in finding the clue. It's looking like it's going to come down to a neck-and-neck race between the Hippies and Tools. We get a TMI closeup on all four of them. I really didn't need to know the exact number of pores on Jeremy's nose, thanks.
Commercials. I promise I'll patronize one of the businesses in this commercial break if the Tools don't win.
The Tools pull up to the clue box, which is by the side of the road. Well, we've had the final Detour, so this must be the final... Roadblock! Phil lets us in on the task. It's a great one. The Roadblocker has to run into a field of 285 flags. They then have to find the flags of each of the foreign countries they've visited, and put them into the order they visited them: Brazil, Russia, Germany, Italy, Greece, Oman, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. Just so it's not impossible to complete if a Roadblocker isn't familiar with a country's flag, there's a placard with all nine of the correct flags pictured on it, along with three incorrect flags. Teammates may help vocally, but not physically. It's a perfectly designed mental task. Hooray for mental tasks! Once they've correctly assembled the flags, they can run to the nearby finish line. "Who remembers most about the places you've been?" The Tools know exactly what the Roadblock is going to entail, and Eric takes it on. He runs into the field of flags as Jeremy tells the camera that Eric is the "brains" of the pair. Scary. Eric correctly places Brazil's flag. He correctly places Japan's flag. Noooooo!!!!!!
The Hippies pull up to the clue box. At this point, if the Tools are able to get through the Roadblock without any major screwups, there's no way they can lose. And they're already more than 20% finished. Arrrgh! BJ takes the Roadblock. Eric says to himself that Germany was before Russia (BZZZT!), so he grabs that flag. It looks like the flag fields are separated by particle board so nobody can cheat off someone else's work. Good idea. BJ gets started as Eric incorrectly places Germany's flag. BJ correctly places Brazil as Eric incorrectly places Russia. BJ cannot identify Russia's current flag, so he skips it, goes for Germany, and places it incorrectly. Arrrgghh!!!! Eric decides to work backwards and grabs Australia, while BJ gets Italy and places it incorrectly, since everything is now shifted thanks to the Russia fuckup. Ray and Yolanda finally locate a clue, but it's hopeless for them at this point.
In the meantime, Eric has correctly placed Australia and Greece (but Germany and Russia are still transposed on his lineup). BJ places Greece in its incorrect, shifted place. Ditto Oman. Eric correctly places Oman, but moves Greece so that it's now incorrect. I think my heart's going to explode. BJ incorrectly places Australia. Eric incorrectly places Italy. He's missing a country, and has to stop and think for a second before remembering being in Thailand. He grabs the flag. BJ's already gotten Thailand and has placed it into its shifted position like all the others. Eric correctly places Thailand, so he's got all his flags in, albeit in the wrong order. The judge lady tells him he's incorrect. BJ correctly places Japan, so he and Tyler know that Russia is what's fouling them up. They figure out which flag it is. Go, go, go! Jeremy, who you'll remember referred to Eric as the smart one, convinces his friend to switch the Thailand and Oman flags, which were two of the correct ones. So now the flags are in even worse shape. The pretty judge tells Eric he's incorrect. He figures out that Russia and Germany are flipped and switches them. Now, he's convinced he's done. Denied! He switches Italy and Greece, so now those two are correct. He would be done now, if not for switching Thailand and Oman. Denied!
Meanwhile, BJ starts shifting all his incorrect flags down a position to where they belong to get Russia in. Jeremy, having already fouled up his team, fouls it up even further by telling Eric to pull the Oman flag out and get another one off the placard. Not only that, but he's telling him to put it in the Thailand position. Denied! Jeremy tells him to change it back. BJ finishes his flags! GO, GO, GO! They're cleared. The Hippies take off running for the finish line. The Tools see them, and the realization that they've blown it dawns on Jeremy's face. It's a beautiful thing. All of the eliminated teams are standing by, and start cheering. Even MoJo, though they're probably faking it. Dave and Lori are still cute. Lisa and Joni are still annoying. The Hippies jog onto the mat, and they've done it! Yes! Thanks, race deity! Although now I'll have to get one of those nasty garden salads at McDonald's or buy a woman's leg razor. Phil tells BJ and Tyler that they are the official winners of The Amazing Race. Whew, that was too close for comfort. They hug in excitement and exhaustion. BJ says it was life-changing, and is the best existing therapy for couples. Shot of Lake and Michelle. Hehehehe. Tyler gives props to the citizens of the world. You're welcome.
The thrill of victory...
Later. The Tools come jogging down the road. More cheering. Wanda and Desiree are so cute. They come onto the mat and are told they're team number two. The looks of anguish on their faces will sustain me for a long time. Aaaaah. I will say that they are good sports about their loss, and that's something. They're glad to have done the race with each other, though Eric laments that he'll have to go back to waiting tables now. Waiting tables is an eminently respectable profession, but still. Aaaaah. They appreciate the world more, and say that now that they've seen all these different places, they can decide where they want to go next. "And we'll probably go together," Jeremy concludes. But they're totally straight.
And the agony of defeat. Aaaaah.
Later. Ray and Yolanda come jogging down the road. Aw. They probably didn't even have to do the flags. They hug the guys on the mat. They're team number three, and thank goodness they made it all the way to the finish line in place of one of the annoying teams. They're pleased with how they did, and I point out to Blood Ray that they are showing zero signs of affection. They stand apart from each other, and Yolanda carefully avoids answering the "When are ya gonna get married?" question shouted out by one of the contestants. She says she loves him, then bumps him with her elbow. Ray says that he's in love with Yolanda's strong mind. They hug, but don't kiss. Hmm. I've since heard that they did, indeed, get engaged later, but that's hearsay upon hearsay, so I don't know. Phil asks for a round of applause from everyone. The Tools give tepid golf claps. Aaaaah. And with a final interview from the Hippies about how in tune with the universe they strive to be, we are out of here.
Overall Grade: A
Good season, Amazing Race. I was very worried about this show, given what crap it was sliding into, and this was a very welcome return to form. Good casting, good tasks, and a winner that doesn't make me want to throw myself off a bridge. Can't ask for much more. Fujikyu!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I Think This Monkey Likes Me
The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 11
Previously on The Amazing Race: Australia. The Hippies hatched a moronic plan that didn't pan out. The Tools hatched a moronic plan that didn't pan out. MoJo didn't hatch a moronic plan, but managed to be morons anyhow. The Hippies Yielded MoJo, which Monica declared was unfair. Just like taking someone else's checkers when you jump over them. It's so mean! The Detour gave Ray and Yolanda the opportunity they needed to spring into the lead, while the other three teams bickered their way into a three-way race for last place. BJ decided he could totally win a footrace by running on rocks with no shoes on. Funny how that didn't work out. The Hippies came in last again, but were saved again by non-elimination. Four teams still remain. And one of them is definitely getting booted tonight. Who will it be? Anyone but Ray and Yolanda will be fine, thanks.
Opening credits. You know, I kind of miss Frankenberry. I have no idea why.
Australian Outback. Tiresome opening Phil blather. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 1:13 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Bangkok, Thailand. Cool! Once there, they go to a bus terminal and hop a bus to the town of Lopburi, almost a hundred miles away. Once in Lopburi, they need to find the three-spire pagoda, where the next clue box will be. Hundreds of sacred monkeys make the pagoda their home, and there's a hilarious shot of a couple monkeys jumping and pulling on the clue box, as if they're trying to pull down the statue of a cruel despot. On their way out, Yolanda leaves a pair of pants on the Hippies' windshield, since they got most of their clothes taken away from the non-elimination leg. They're ready to tackle the leg. The Tools leave the mat at 1:20 AM. We're told that everyone except the Hippies have $203 for this leg. I'm sure that'll make a ton of difference, aren't you? Eric is wearing one of those retarded tuxedo T-shirts that were funny for fourteen seconds in 1983. The Tools drop some flip-flops on the Hippies car. Surprising. I thought the Tools were all about letting other teams sink on their own. Or trying to make them sink by CHEATING. Sorry, I'm still not over that.
MoJo is off at 1:21 AM. Joseph says that there's tension between them and the Hippies. Really? I hadn't noticed. Monica sees the items that other teams have left and sneers that the Hippies are scared of them, because they know that MoJo can beat them in the race. Except on the first leg. And the second leg. And the third/fourth double leg. And the fifth leg. And the sixth leg. MoJo passes the Tools on the way to the airport. The Hippies leave the mat at 1:22 AM. I guess there's a rule that teams must leave at least one minute apart, because the Hippies landed at the mat two seconds after the Tools last week. They raid the nearby Lost & Found for some supplies, then take off. They're lucky they have their cars from the last episode. It would have been interesting to see them try and get a taxi out in the middle of nowhere with no money. BJ blahs that MoJo aren't "giving" people, I guess because they didn't leave clothes or money behind for their mortal enemies. Listen, I'm no MoJo fan, but the Hippies need to stop pretending that everyone likes them, and therefore owes them help. MoJo's already under no obligation to help out their direct competition. Put in the additional bonus of seething hatred, and I really don't think you can make a disparaging comment about MoJo's generosity. Especially when there's so much more that sucks about them.
The airline ticket counters are closed down, but Yolanda reaches someone on the phone that tells her about a flight to Bangkok that connects through Sydney, and arrives at 11:00 PM. She books the tickets. MoJo arrives at the airport. At this point, there's an open counter that they go to. The Tools arrive. The Hippies arrive. BJ pulls on Yolanda's pants, which are an extremely tight fit. Heh. Ray comes outside and tells the Hippies about the flight. See if you can enlighten me on this. The Hippies decide to leave the airport and go beg for some money. Before reserving or buying any airline tickets. Huh? How does that make sense? Get your tickets! Or if this was your plan, why bother going to the airport first at all? I don't get it. Meanwhile, the agent helping MoJo tells them about the same flight Ray and Yolanda are on. They book tickets. The Tools wander up and ask if MoJo's getting help. MoJo answers in the negative, because they're so brilliantly devious. Or fucking stupid. It's patently obvious that the airline agent is helping them, given that it's, you know, HIS JOB. Does MoJo think the Tools are going to be like "He's not? Oh, well then we'd better look elsewhere." It's just... They get bent out of shape about the wrong things. They lie about the wrong things. I'm really at a loss to explain how they got this far. The Tools are done wasting their time, so they wander to the nearby reservations phone and get on the exact same flight.
The Hippies tool around downtown Darwin begging for money. The good, drunken people of Australia help them out. One ugly woman tells BJ to take off his shirt for money, then asks him to put it back on. Heh. When they get back to the airport, guess what? The flight is full. Dumbasses. The other teams board their flight and take off. The Hippies scramble for another flight. We go out on a voiceover of Tyler saying "It looks like today, the nice guys finish last." No, Ray and Yolanda seem to be doing fine, thanks.
Commercials. Is Catherine Zeta Jones ever going to make another movie, or is she just content to do cell phone commercials now?
The Hippies hit a stroke of luck. Some seats just became available on a flight through Perth, arriving in Bangkok fifteen minutes before the other one. They're obviously thrilled. Phil explains the entire flight-bus-pagoda thing again. Yes, we were here the first time you said it, Phil. On the other hand, it's a good excuse to show monkeys climbing all over everything again. It looks like the Hippies' luck was very fleeting, because the other flight gets in first after all - 45 minutes early. Wacky airlines. The Tools and Ray and Yolanda hop in cabs to get to the bus terminal. MoJo dithers over their cab driver, convinced they're going to get ripped off. I'm not working off the information they are, so I'm not going to leap to the MoJo-as-racists assumption. Still, it's interesting that they never had issues with cab drivers in places like Australia or Germany. It's worth an eyebrow raise.
The Tools are first to the bus station. They hop on a bus departing at midnight. They hope nobody else will make it onto their bus. Their hopes are wonderfully destroyed as Ray and Yolanda show up and join them. According to a nearby clock, there's still more than twenty minutes to go. Shit, MoJo's got plenty of time to catch up. But what's this? MoJo arrives at the bus station. The main window showing Lopburi is closed, and their cab driver tells them they won't be able to purchase tickets until it opens. Joseph asks about the open window where the other teams got their tickets, but the cab driver seems to think that guy won't sell them tickets to Lopburi. The window won't open until 4:50 AM. MoJo decides to head to a hotel for the night. Ouch! A tiny little part of me feels bad for them, because they did inquire (twice, actually) if the other window would sell them a ticket. Still, with a million dollars on the line, I'd probably ask at the open window anyway. Worst thing that'll happen is they'll say no. Either the cab driver really is ripping them off, or he's trying to be helpful, and is really bad at it. The upshot is that MoJo screws themselves into waiting almost five hours for another bus, and bad things happening to MoJo makes me happy.
The Hippies' flight lands, having been delayed a little bit. They arrive at the bus station. This time, it's really closed, and they're told to come back at 5:00 AM. They sack out on some nearby chairs. Turns out the bus station opens way earlier than 4:50. In fact, there's a 4:20 bus to Lopburi. Yes, feel free to make the "toke" fingers because hippies are taking a bus at 4:20. I'll admit I did. They take off. MoJo is a bit perturbed to see the bus station already crowded with people when they arrive. They get tickets on the 5:20 bus, and are worried and confused that no other teams are with them when it departs.
Bus #1 arrives. Both lead teams get taxis to the pagoda, which doesn't open until 8:00 AM. It's not even 6 AM yet, so we're due for some catching up. The teams hang out on the sidewalk. The sun rises. A monkey yawns widely. Hehehe. So cute. Another one does a flip off of the clue box. There are more wandering through the streets. Jeremy gives one a potato chip. Ray and Yolanda are less open to socializing with what they call "rats on steroids". Heh. A few monkeys leap onto Eric, which I have to admit looks simultaneously terrifying and cool. The Hippies arrive while everyone's still waiting. The gates open shortly thereafter, and everyone streams in. Roadblock and/or Fast Forward! There's also an additional envelope that tells them not to open it until the pitstop. Phil explains the FF first. It's the last one on the race. Bring back the FF on every leg! Um...also. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Phil's pants are very tight in this episode. No, tighter than that. I feel like I've already slept with him. Anyhow, Phil's penis explains that in this FF, teams travel two miles by taxi to a restaurant, where they will enjoy an "activity" commonly enjoyed in Thailand. What they don't know is that the task will be to eat a heaping bowl of grasshoppers and crickets. Feh. I don't like volume eating tasks. Making them eat some cooked bugs is fine. But this is a gigantic bowl. People who like eating cooked bugs would have trouble with this. First team to finish their bowls gets the FF, and can go straight to the pit stop.
The Hippies decide to try for the FF. So do Ray and Yolanda. The Tools have already used theirs, so they forge ahead with the Roadblock. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to prepare a monkey feast. Basically, it's arranging a bunch of fruit on a table in a specific way, working off a provided example. Eric takes it. He starts slicing carrots and pears, and wonders where the other teams went. Where do you think, crapweasel? The Hippies arrive at the restaurant. In Ray and Yolanda's cab, Yolanda wonders what could be the "after school favorite" hinted at in the FF. "A game of football? Cricket?" Hehe. Nice. The Hippies discover what they have to do. Tyler describes the meal as "fingernails with guts inside". Yum. Ray and Yolanda arrive. Both teams try to intimidate the other one into giving up and going back to the Roadblock. "We're from the South. We'll eat anything fried," Yolanda ribs. Ha! She's hilarious. Both teams settle down, neither looking too wowed about it. After trying a few, Yolanda's like "Um, no." Ray rightly points out that they haven't wasted that much time - they can still probably get back to the Roadblock and be OK. That's all she needs to hear, and after wishing the Hippies luck, Ray and Yolanda ditch.
Unfortunately, while Ray and Yolanda are on their way back, MoJo shows up. Joseph takes the Roadblock, while Monica whines unhelpfully about how they're totally out of the race now. While Eric and Joseph prepare their monkey feast, Monica asks Jeremy what time their bus was. Upon hearing that it was at midnight, Monica gets the most awesome look of disgust on her face. We had to rewind and freeze on it, just to catch the exact moment when she realizes how badly they've screwed up.
Blood Ray: "She's trying to figure out who she can blame for this."
Jeremy lets Joseph know that one team is going to come back from the FF, so MoJo's not in last. Boo! Let them squirm a little, dude. Monica tells Jeremy she thought MoJo was in the lead. "Man, did you think wrong," Jeremy replies, and mark your calendars. I just loved one of the Tools for a moment. Monkeys climb all over everything. In the cab, Yolanda decides to do the monkey feast. They arrive back at the Roadblock. Joseph's pissed that the Hippies are going to get the FF. Ray tells them about all the bugs the Hippies will have to eat, and that does seem to cheer everyone up. A monkey steals some food off of Yolanda's table. "Hey! Monkey!" she yelps. Hahahahaha! I love this Roadblock. The Hippies eat bugs. Back at the Awesomest Roadblock, monkeys steal food off Eric's table. He yells at them and calls them bastards. Assume I'm laughing my ass off throughout this whole thing. Monkeys steal food off Joseph's table. At least they're equal opportunity thieves. There another chorus of "damn monkeys" from pretty much all three of the Roadblockers. Eric finishes first. He and some guy carry the table over to one of the spires. Monkeys swarm all over it. The Tools' clue tells them to take a ferry to "Cold Cut" Island. Huh? Oh. Thanks, subtitles. It's actually Koh Kret Island. Cold Cut Island would have been great, though. Once there, they go to the Buddha garden, which is a meditation spot, and looks lovely. The next clue box is on the grounds.
The Tools leave. The Hippies eat bugs. They gag and throw up. I am sick of this show making teams eat until they vomit. It's obvious that it's the volume of the bugs, not the taste that's doing it, and that's just nasty. It's not funny. It's not entertaining. I don't watch Fear Factor for a reason. If I wanted to watch someone throw up, I'd go out and drink myself stupid. Back at the Awesomest Roadblock, there's a comparison shot of a monkey and Monica eating messily. Hahaha! First the camel, and now this. The editors hate Monica as much as I do. Sweet. Yolanda affects a fake accent and says "You cannot rush an artissssst." I just love her so much. Joseph is next to finish his table. Carrying. Monkey swarm. Yolanda finishes. Carrying. Monkey swarm. Ray describes it as "monkey heaven" and is glad to know that they're only a couple of minutes behind - plus the Hippies are likely to be having trouble with those bugs. Cut to the Hippies having trouble with those bugs. More throwing up. The Hippies discuss whether or not they should give up and head for the Roadblock. They look like they know that that would be game suicide at this point.
Commercials. I don't know why Hardee's insists on making their food look as unappetizing as possible. Do people hear that disgusting burger plop sound and think "Gee, I could really go for that!"?
I'm skipping the rest of this ridiculous task. Suffice it to say that the Hippies do eventually finish their bugs and win the FF. The Tools jump on the ferry. One of them describes the crossing as "a unique experience for myself". There are several words and phrases people use incorrectly in the mistaken belief that it will make them sound more intelligent. The top three most annoying are:
3) "Myself". The word that Tool was looking for was me. Yes, it's only two letters. Yes, it's only one syllable. It may be an unimpressive word, but it's still correct in this context.
2) "and I". Jesus, what do people have against the word me? No, James didn't give Thomas and I a blowjob. He gave Thomas and me a blowjob. That James sure is a slut. Remind me to give him a call.
1) "Whom". Such a classy word, that whom. It's like who got all dressed up in a nice tuxedo. And just as a tuxedo isn't always appropriate, neither is whom. "We walked around the neighborhood looking for James, whom we heard is a giant slut." No. Substituting who for whom because it sounds less formal and stilted can be fine. Substituting whom for who because you think it sounds fancier is not.
Sorry for getting all pedantic and snotty, but those three bug the shit out of me. Anyway, did you know there's this race? And that it is occasionally amazing? The Tools arrive at the garden and find the clue box with no difficulty. Detour! Phil's penis explains the choices: Move It or Altar It. In Move It, teams walk to a pottery factory. They then have to transport 72 clay pots to a boat on the river. These pots have to be carried by balancing them in a single-file row on a wooden plank. In Altar It, teams walk to a Buddhist temple. Once there, they assemble a mini-shrine, and cover a statue of Buddha in meticulous gold-leaf. Interesting choice. I honestly don't know which I'd be faster at. The Tools choose Altar It, based on their abysmal performance in the physical Detour last week. MoJo catches the next ferry and vows to not make any more mistakes. Mwahahaha! Ray and Yolanda catch the next ferry. MoJo's plan to not make mistakes backfires as they walk off they ferry and instantly...make a mistake. It looks like they walk to the Buddhist temple for Altar It, but they haven't found the Detour clue that directs them there. Ray and Yolanda, on the other hand, instantly find the garden, passing the exiting Tools on their way in. They choose Altar It as well. As they leave, MoJo finds the place. They figure they know where the shrine is, so run for Altar It.
The Hippies are off to the pitstop, the Marble Temple, which is a gorgeous shrine. The Tools arrive at Altar It, and get started. Ray and Yolanda are right behind them. When MoJo shows up, Joseph figures they should ditch and head for Move It. I see where he's coming from. He figures that since the other teams have already started, there's no reasonable way to assume that they can pass anyone on such a simple task, so the only way MoJo can possibly make up any ground is to try the other Detour option and hope it's faster. It's probably the right choice strategically, but... Well, you'll see. The gold-leafing teams try to make themselves slow down and concentrate on their statues. Yolanda notes the departing MoJo and hopes that the other Detour is "one of those tasks that pisses you off so much, you can't even complete it." Hehe.
MoJo arrives at Move It. They load up planks and start walking. Joseph's strong, and manages to set his double-wide on the plank, so he can carry twice as many. Smart idea. He loses control of his plank, and a couple pots smash on the ground. Whoops. He tries to cajole some woman into leaving her shop and walking him to the boat, but she's not so keen on the idea of abandoning her job to help out the jerk who's snapping at her. Another pot tumbles and smashes. The Hippies are pleased with themselves. They arrive at the pitstop and skip up to the mat. Phil and the pretty greeter exchange eye rolls, like, "Can you believe these twits?". Phil's penis informs the Hippies that they are team number one, and now they can open the clue they received at the pagoda. If there's a golden gnome inside, they win something. Alas, it is a regular gnome. The Hippies are still happy to be in the final race to the finish line.
MoJo spots the boat. They drop off their load of pots and count them. There are forty-six, which means they need twenty-six more. Monica says this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do, which she also said about that insanely easy task where she had to carry a dead fish for about four blocks. The gold-leaf teams are still chugging away. The Tools are toolish. After some more work, the Tools think they're done. However, there are bits of gold-leaf sticking up everywhere, and the temple guy mimes that they must be pressed down before the task is complete. They do, and they get their pitstop clue. Ray and Yolanda get the same "press this crap down" gesture. They hope MoJo is struggling. Cut to Monica making the sign of the cross. Let's see if Jesus is with her. Smash! Crash! Heh. Guess not. She breaks all but about six of her pots. She starts to get upset. Joseph tries to encourage her, but we're seen his encouragement before, which basically consists of him yelling at her not to get upset. Crash! Boom! More of Monica's pots tumble. A bunch of dogs begin barking at her, only adding to the chaos. Hehehehe. I love it. We go into the break on a slow-motion shot of her being forced to walk all the way to the boat with...two pots. Hahahahaha!!!!
Commercials. A bunch of crappy CBS crime dramas I'm not interested in. Sorry, Mandy Patinkin. I loved you in Dead Like Me, though.
Monica continues weeping and apologizes for screwing everything up. Joseph kindly yells back that everything is OK. It's nice, but as they drop off their pots, we see that she did pretty much doom them. They have sixty-five pots, which means they have to make a third trip, albeit a short one (seven pots). Monica is still upset at herself. While I love to see MoJo in peril, I am glad that she's turning this into an apology and not a litany of complaints about the task or other teams. The Tools can't find a taxi. Ray and Yolanda finish their statue. Joseph loads up his plank with way more than seven pots (good idea), and Monica walks alongside him, not carrying any (also a good idea). He drops them off, and they're finished. They dash off, trying to convince themselves they've still got a shot. Which they do. You never know what disaster will befall another team. The Tools finally flag down a cab. Ray and Yolanda have no trouble finding one. MoJo gets off their ferry and into a cab.
So, another three-way race to avoid being last. Yikes. The Tools hit some bad traffic. Ray and Yolanda's driver seems to be making better time. Go, go, go! MoJo is still trying to comfort themselves into thinking the gold-leaf took a long time. Their cab is flying. And coming into the pitstop is... Well, the Tools, of course. They're team number two, and do not have the golden gnome. Oh, come on, Ray and Yolanda. Pleasepleaseplease. It's edited to look like both teams arrive at the shrine at about the same time, but who knows? Ray and Yolanda are stopped at the entrance, and Yolanda is told she needs to cover her arms before entering. Ooooh! Hurry! They provide a vibrant top that she pulls on. Monica has no such arm covering issues. Aaaaggggh! And team number three is... Is... Ray and Yolanda! Yes! And hey! Their clue contains the golden gnome! So even though they're team number three, they win a cruise around Sydney in a private yacht, a tour through Australian wine country, and time at the Great Barrier Reef. Not only that, but while the rest of the teams hang out at the shrine, Ray and Yolanda will spend the night in a luxury hotel. I couldn't ask for a better ending to the leg. Oh, wait. I could.
Welcome, MoJo. You are last, and you are eliminated. There we go. They say they've had a wonderful time. Monica cries, and when Joseph tells her not to, she says that they're really tears of joy, because she's enjoyed the experience so much. They love each other, and will probably get married. Well, that's nice. I'm still not sorry to see them go. And now, the traditional Final Three pissing contest that I loathe so. All three teams think they can win. The Tools say that the Hippies are followers. The Hippies think they can get some sort of advantage over the Tools. Yolanda doesn't think any of the three teams have the race in the bag. "There's nothing right now that's stopping BJ and I from winning The Amazing Race," Tyler says. Gah!!! Yes, there is! It's the giant brick sailing at your head with the words BJ AND ME written on it in big block letters.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Amusement park rides. That's not very amazing. Looks like Mount Fuji makes a majestic appearance, as does the frigid north of our fair continent. Ray encounters a language barrier. The Tools can't find a cab. That seems to be a theme with them. The Hippies may miss an important flight. That seems to be a theme with them. And somebody wins a million dollars. Come on, Ray and Yolanda! I know it's unlikely, but that's what I said about Uchenna and Joyce.
Overall Grade: A
Previously on The Amazing Race: Australia. The Hippies hatched a moronic plan that didn't pan out. The Tools hatched a moronic plan that didn't pan out. MoJo didn't hatch a moronic plan, but managed to be morons anyhow. The Hippies Yielded MoJo, which Monica declared was unfair. Just like taking someone else's checkers when you jump over them. It's so mean! The Detour gave Ray and Yolanda the opportunity they needed to spring into the lead, while the other three teams bickered their way into a three-way race for last place. BJ decided he could totally win a footrace by running on rocks with no shoes on. Funny how that didn't work out. The Hippies came in last again, but were saved again by non-elimination. Four teams still remain. And one of them is definitely getting booted tonight. Who will it be? Anyone but Ray and Yolanda will be fine, thanks.
Opening credits. You know, I kind of miss Frankenberry. I have no idea why.
Australian Outback. Tiresome opening Phil blather. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 1:13 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Bangkok, Thailand. Cool! Once there, they go to a bus terminal and hop a bus to the town of Lopburi, almost a hundred miles away. Once in Lopburi, they need to find the three-spire pagoda, where the next clue box will be. Hundreds of sacred monkeys make the pagoda their home, and there's a hilarious shot of a couple monkeys jumping and pulling on the clue box, as if they're trying to pull down the statue of a cruel despot. On their way out, Yolanda leaves a pair of pants on the Hippies' windshield, since they got most of their clothes taken away from the non-elimination leg. They're ready to tackle the leg. The Tools leave the mat at 1:20 AM. We're told that everyone except the Hippies have $203 for this leg. I'm sure that'll make a ton of difference, aren't you? Eric is wearing one of those retarded tuxedo T-shirts that were funny for fourteen seconds in 1983. The Tools drop some flip-flops on the Hippies car. Surprising. I thought the Tools were all about letting other teams sink on their own. Or trying to make them sink by CHEATING. Sorry, I'm still not over that.
MoJo is off at 1:21 AM. Joseph says that there's tension between them and the Hippies. Really? I hadn't noticed. Monica sees the items that other teams have left and sneers that the Hippies are scared of them, because they know that MoJo can beat them in the race. Except on the first leg. And the second leg. And the third/fourth double leg. And the fifth leg. And the sixth leg. MoJo passes the Tools on the way to the airport. The Hippies leave the mat at 1:22 AM. I guess there's a rule that teams must leave at least one minute apart, because the Hippies landed at the mat two seconds after the Tools last week. They raid the nearby Lost & Found for some supplies, then take off. They're lucky they have their cars from the last episode. It would have been interesting to see them try and get a taxi out in the middle of nowhere with no money. BJ blahs that MoJo aren't "giving" people, I guess because they didn't leave clothes or money behind for their mortal enemies. Listen, I'm no MoJo fan, but the Hippies need to stop pretending that everyone likes them, and therefore owes them help. MoJo's already under no obligation to help out their direct competition. Put in the additional bonus of seething hatred, and I really don't think you can make a disparaging comment about MoJo's generosity. Especially when there's so much more that sucks about them.
The airline ticket counters are closed down, but Yolanda reaches someone on the phone that tells her about a flight to Bangkok that connects through Sydney, and arrives at 11:00 PM. She books the tickets. MoJo arrives at the airport. At this point, there's an open counter that they go to. The Tools arrive. The Hippies arrive. BJ pulls on Yolanda's pants, which are an extremely tight fit. Heh. Ray comes outside and tells the Hippies about the flight. See if you can enlighten me on this. The Hippies decide to leave the airport and go beg for some money. Before reserving or buying any airline tickets. Huh? How does that make sense? Get your tickets! Or if this was your plan, why bother going to the airport first at all? I don't get it. Meanwhile, the agent helping MoJo tells them about the same flight Ray and Yolanda are on. They book tickets. The Tools wander up and ask if MoJo's getting help. MoJo answers in the negative, because they're so brilliantly devious. Or fucking stupid. It's patently obvious that the airline agent is helping them, given that it's, you know, HIS JOB. Does MoJo think the Tools are going to be like "He's not? Oh, well then we'd better look elsewhere." It's just... They get bent out of shape about the wrong things. They lie about the wrong things. I'm really at a loss to explain how they got this far. The Tools are done wasting their time, so they wander to the nearby reservations phone and get on the exact same flight.
The Hippies tool around downtown Darwin begging for money. The good, drunken people of Australia help them out. One ugly woman tells BJ to take off his shirt for money, then asks him to put it back on. Heh. When they get back to the airport, guess what? The flight is full. Dumbasses. The other teams board their flight and take off. The Hippies scramble for another flight. We go out on a voiceover of Tyler saying "It looks like today, the nice guys finish last." No, Ray and Yolanda seem to be doing fine, thanks.
Commercials. Is Catherine Zeta Jones ever going to make another movie, or is she just content to do cell phone commercials now?
The Hippies hit a stroke of luck. Some seats just became available on a flight through Perth, arriving in Bangkok fifteen minutes before the other one. They're obviously thrilled. Phil explains the entire flight-bus-pagoda thing again. Yes, we were here the first time you said it, Phil. On the other hand, it's a good excuse to show monkeys climbing all over everything again. It looks like the Hippies' luck was very fleeting, because the other flight gets in first after all - 45 minutes early. Wacky airlines. The Tools and Ray and Yolanda hop in cabs to get to the bus terminal. MoJo dithers over their cab driver, convinced they're going to get ripped off. I'm not working off the information they are, so I'm not going to leap to the MoJo-as-racists assumption. Still, it's interesting that they never had issues with cab drivers in places like Australia or Germany. It's worth an eyebrow raise.
The Tools are first to the bus station. They hop on a bus departing at midnight. They hope nobody else will make it onto their bus. Their hopes are wonderfully destroyed as Ray and Yolanda show up and join them. According to a nearby clock, there's still more than twenty minutes to go. Shit, MoJo's got plenty of time to catch up. But what's this? MoJo arrives at the bus station. The main window showing Lopburi is closed, and their cab driver tells them they won't be able to purchase tickets until it opens. Joseph asks about the open window where the other teams got their tickets, but the cab driver seems to think that guy won't sell them tickets to Lopburi. The window won't open until 4:50 AM. MoJo decides to head to a hotel for the night. Ouch! A tiny little part of me feels bad for them, because they did inquire (twice, actually) if the other window would sell them a ticket. Still, with a million dollars on the line, I'd probably ask at the open window anyway. Worst thing that'll happen is they'll say no. Either the cab driver really is ripping them off, or he's trying to be helpful, and is really bad at it. The upshot is that MoJo screws themselves into waiting almost five hours for another bus, and bad things happening to MoJo makes me happy.
The Hippies' flight lands, having been delayed a little bit. They arrive at the bus station. This time, it's really closed, and they're told to come back at 5:00 AM. They sack out on some nearby chairs. Turns out the bus station opens way earlier than 4:50. In fact, there's a 4:20 bus to Lopburi. Yes, feel free to make the "toke" fingers because hippies are taking a bus at 4:20. I'll admit I did. They take off. MoJo is a bit perturbed to see the bus station already crowded with people when they arrive. They get tickets on the 5:20 bus, and are worried and confused that no other teams are with them when it departs.
Bus #1 arrives. Both lead teams get taxis to the pagoda, which doesn't open until 8:00 AM. It's not even 6 AM yet, so we're due for some catching up. The teams hang out on the sidewalk. The sun rises. A monkey yawns widely. Hehehe. So cute. Another one does a flip off of the clue box. There are more wandering through the streets. Jeremy gives one a potato chip. Ray and Yolanda are less open to socializing with what they call "rats on steroids". Heh. A few monkeys leap onto Eric, which I have to admit looks simultaneously terrifying and cool. The Hippies arrive while everyone's still waiting. The gates open shortly thereafter, and everyone streams in. Roadblock and/or Fast Forward! There's also an additional envelope that tells them not to open it until the pitstop. Phil explains the FF first. It's the last one on the race. Bring back the FF on every leg! Um...also. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Phil's pants are very tight in this episode. No, tighter than that. I feel like I've already slept with him. Anyhow, Phil's penis explains that in this FF, teams travel two miles by taxi to a restaurant, where they will enjoy an "activity" commonly enjoyed in Thailand. What they don't know is that the task will be to eat a heaping bowl of grasshoppers and crickets. Feh. I don't like volume eating tasks. Making them eat some cooked bugs is fine. But this is a gigantic bowl. People who like eating cooked bugs would have trouble with this. First team to finish their bowls gets the FF, and can go straight to the pit stop.
The Hippies decide to try for the FF. So do Ray and Yolanda. The Tools have already used theirs, so they forge ahead with the Roadblock. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to prepare a monkey feast. Basically, it's arranging a bunch of fruit on a table in a specific way, working off a provided example. Eric takes it. He starts slicing carrots and pears, and wonders where the other teams went. Where do you think, crapweasel? The Hippies arrive at the restaurant. In Ray and Yolanda's cab, Yolanda wonders what could be the "after school favorite" hinted at in the FF. "A game of football? Cricket?" Hehe. Nice. The Hippies discover what they have to do. Tyler describes the meal as "fingernails with guts inside". Yum. Ray and Yolanda arrive. Both teams try to intimidate the other one into giving up and going back to the Roadblock. "We're from the South. We'll eat anything fried," Yolanda ribs. Ha! She's hilarious. Both teams settle down, neither looking too wowed about it. After trying a few, Yolanda's like "Um, no." Ray rightly points out that they haven't wasted that much time - they can still probably get back to the Roadblock and be OK. That's all she needs to hear, and after wishing the Hippies luck, Ray and Yolanda ditch.
Unfortunately, while Ray and Yolanda are on their way back, MoJo shows up. Joseph takes the Roadblock, while Monica whines unhelpfully about how they're totally out of the race now. While Eric and Joseph prepare their monkey feast, Monica asks Jeremy what time their bus was. Upon hearing that it was at midnight, Monica gets the most awesome look of disgust on her face. We had to rewind and freeze on it, just to catch the exact moment when she realizes how badly they've screwed up.
Blood Ray: "She's trying to figure out who she can blame for this."
Jeremy lets Joseph know that one team is going to come back from the FF, so MoJo's not in last. Boo! Let them squirm a little, dude. Monica tells Jeremy she thought MoJo was in the lead. "Man, did you think wrong," Jeremy replies, and mark your calendars. I just loved one of the Tools for a moment. Monkeys climb all over everything. In the cab, Yolanda decides to do the monkey feast. They arrive back at the Roadblock. Joseph's pissed that the Hippies are going to get the FF. Ray tells them about all the bugs the Hippies will have to eat, and that does seem to cheer everyone up. A monkey steals some food off of Yolanda's table. "Hey! Monkey!" she yelps. Hahahahaha! I love this Roadblock. The Hippies eat bugs. Back at the Awesomest Roadblock, monkeys steal food off Eric's table. He yells at them and calls them bastards. Assume I'm laughing my ass off throughout this whole thing. Monkeys steal food off Joseph's table. At least they're equal opportunity thieves. There another chorus of "damn monkeys" from pretty much all three of the Roadblockers. Eric finishes first. He and some guy carry the table over to one of the spires. Monkeys swarm all over it. The Tools' clue tells them to take a ferry to "Cold Cut" Island. Huh? Oh. Thanks, subtitles. It's actually Koh Kret Island. Cold Cut Island would have been great, though. Once there, they go to the Buddha garden, which is a meditation spot, and looks lovely. The next clue box is on the grounds.
The Tools leave. The Hippies eat bugs. They gag and throw up. I am sick of this show making teams eat until they vomit. It's obvious that it's the volume of the bugs, not the taste that's doing it, and that's just nasty. It's not funny. It's not entertaining. I don't watch Fear Factor for a reason. If I wanted to watch someone throw up, I'd go out and drink myself stupid. Back at the Awesomest Roadblock, there's a comparison shot of a monkey and Monica eating messily. Hahaha! First the camel, and now this. The editors hate Monica as much as I do. Sweet. Yolanda affects a fake accent and says "You cannot rush an artissssst." I just love her so much. Joseph is next to finish his table. Carrying. Monkey swarm. Yolanda finishes. Carrying. Monkey swarm. Ray describes it as "monkey heaven" and is glad to know that they're only a couple of minutes behind - plus the Hippies are likely to be having trouble with those bugs. Cut to the Hippies having trouble with those bugs. More throwing up. The Hippies discuss whether or not they should give up and head for the Roadblock. They look like they know that that would be game suicide at this point.
Commercials. I don't know why Hardee's insists on making their food look as unappetizing as possible. Do people hear that disgusting burger plop sound and think "Gee, I could really go for that!"?
I'm skipping the rest of this ridiculous task. Suffice it to say that the Hippies do eventually finish their bugs and win the FF. The Tools jump on the ferry. One of them describes the crossing as "a unique experience for myself". There are several words and phrases people use incorrectly in the mistaken belief that it will make them sound more intelligent. The top three most annoying are:
3) "Myself". The word that Tool was looking for was me. Yes, it's only two letters. Yes, it's only one syllable. It may be an unimpressive word, but it's still correct in this context.
2) "and I". Jesus, what do people have against the word me? No, James didn't give Thomas and I a blowjob. He gave Thomas and me a blowjob. That James sure is a slut. Remind me to give him a call.
1) "Whom". Such a classy word, that whom. It's like who got all dressed up in a nice tuxedo. And just as a tuxedo isn't always appropriate, neither is whom. "We walked around the neighborhood looking for James, whom we heard is a giant slut." No. Substituting who for whom because it sounds less formal and stilted can be fine. Substituting whom for who because you think it sounds fancier is not.
Sorry for getting all pedantic and snotty, but those three bug the shit out of me. Anyway, did you know there's this race? And that it is occasionally amazing? The Tools arrive at the garden and find the clue box with no difficulty. Detour! Phil's penis explains the choices: Move It or Altar It. In Move It, teams walk to a pottery factory. They then have to transport 72 clay pots to a boat on the river. These pots have to be carried by balancing them in a single-file row on a wooden plank. In Altar It, teams walk to a Buddhist temple. Once there, they assemble a mini-shrine, and cover a statue of Buddha in meticulous gold-leaf. Interesting choice. I honestly don't know which I'd be faster at. The Tools choose Altar It, based on their abysmal performance in the physical Detour last week. MoJo catches the next ferry and vows to not make any more mistakes. Mwahahaha! Ray and Yolanda catch the next ferry. MoJo's plan to not make mistakes backfires as they walk off they ferry and instantly...make a mistake. It looks like they walk to the Buddhist temple for Altar It, but they haven't found the Detour clue that directs them there. Ray and Yolanda, on the other hand, instantly find the garden, passing the exiting Tools on their way in. They choose Altar It as well. As they leave, MoJo finds the place. They figure they know where the shrine is, so run for Altar It.
The Hippies are off to the pitstop, the Marble Temple, which is a gorgeous shrine. The Tools arrive at Altar It, and get started. Ray and Yolanda are right behind them. When MoJo shows up, Joseph figures they should ditch and head for Move It. I see where he's coming from. He figures that since the other teams have already started, there's no reasonable way to assume that they can pass anyone on such a simple task, so the only way MoJo can possibly make up any ground is to try the other Detour option and hope it's faster. It's probably the right choice strategically, but... Well, you'll see. The gold-leafing teams try to make themselves slow down and concentrate on their statues. Yolanda notes the departing MoJo and hopes that the other Detour is "one of those tasks that pisses you off so much, you can't even complete it." Hehe.
MoJo arrives at Move It. They load up planks and start walking. Joseph's strong, and manages to set his double-wide on the plank, so he can carry twice as many. Smart idea. He loses control of his plank, and a couple pots smash on the ground. Whoops. He tries to cajole some woman into leaving her shop and walking him to the boat, but she's not so keen on the idea of abandoning her job to help out the jerk who's snapping at her. Another pot tumbles and smashes. The Hippies are pleased with themselves. They arrive at the pitstop and skip up to the mat. Phil and the pretty greeter exchange eye rolls, like, "Can you believe these twits?". Phil's penis informs the Hippies that they are team number one, and now they can open the clue they received at the pagoda. If there's a golden gnome inside, they win something. Alas, it is a regular gnome. The Hippies are still happy to be in the final race to the finish line.
MoJo spots the boat. They drop off their load of pots and count them. There are forty-six, which means they need twenty-six more. Monica says this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do, which she also said about that insanely easy task where she had to carry a dead fish for about four blocks. The gold-leaf teams are still chugging away. The Tools are toolish. After some more work, the Tools think they're done. However, there are bits of gold-leaf sticking up everywhere, and the temple guy mimes that they must be pressed down before the task is complete. They do, and they get their pitstop clue. Ray and Yolanda get the same "press this crap down" gesture. They hope MoJo is struggling. Cut to Monica making the sign of the cross. Let's see if Jesus is with her. Smash! Crash! Heh. Guess not. She breaks all but about six of her pots. She starts to get upset. Joseph tries to encourage her, but we're seen his encouragement before, which basically consists of him yelling at her not to get upset. Crash! Boom! More of Monica's pots tumble. A bunch of dogs begin barking at her, only adding to the chaos. Hehehehe. I love it. We go into the break on a slow-motion shot of her being forced to walk all the way to the boat with...two pots. Hahahahaha!!!!
Commercials. A bunch of crappy CBS crime dramas I'm not interested in. Sorry, Mandy Patinkin. I loved you in Dead Like Me, though.
Monica continues weeping and apologizes for screwing everything up. Joseph kindly yells back that everything is OK. It's nice, but as they drop off their pots, we see that she did pretty much doom them. They have sixty-five pots, which means they have to make a third trip, albeit a short one (seven pots). Monica is still upset at herself. While I love to see MoJo in peril, I am glad that she's turning this into an apology and not a litany of complaints about the task or other teams. The Tools can't find a taxi. Ray and Yolanda finish their statue. Joseph loads up his plank with way more than seven pots (good idea), and Monica walks alongside him, not carrying any (also a good idea). He drops them off, and they're finished. They dash off, trying to convince themselves they've still got a shot. Which they do. You never know what disaster will befall another team. The Tools finally flag down a cab. Ray and Yolanda have no trouble finding one. MoJo gets off their ferry and into a cab.
So, another three-way race to avoid being last. Yikes. The Tools hit some bad traffic. Ray and Yolanda's driver seems to be making better time. Go, go, go! MoJo is still trying to comfort themselves into thinking the gold-leaf took a long time. Their cab is flying. And coming into the pitstop is... Well, the Tools, of course. They're team number two, and do not have the golden gnome. Oh, come on, Ray and Yolanda. Pleasepleaseplease. It's edited to look like both teams arrive at the shrine at about the same time, but who knows? Ray and Yolanda are stopped at the entrance, and Yolanda is told she needs to cover her arms before entering. Ooooh! Hurry! They provide a vibrant top that she pulls on. Monica has no such arm covering issues. Aaaaggggh! And team number three is... Is... Ray and Yolanda! Yes! And hey! Their clue contains the golden gnome! So even though they're team number three, they win a cruise around Sydney in a private yacht, a tour through Australian wine country, and time at the Great Barrier Reef. Not only that, but while the rest of the teams hang out at the shrine, Ray and Yolanda will spend the night in a luxury hotel. I couldn't ask for a better ending to the leg. Oh, wait. I could.
Welcome, MoJo. You are last, and you are eliminated. There we go. They say they've had a wonderful time. Monica cries, and when Joseph tells her not to, she says that they're really tears of joy, because she's enjoyed the experience so much. They love each other, and will probably get married. Well, that's nice. I'm still not sorry to see them go. And now, the traditional Final Three pissing contest that I loathe so. All three teams think they can win. The Tools say that the Hippies are followers. The Hippies think they can get some sort of advantage over the Tools. Yolanda doesn't think any of the three teams have the race in the bag. "There's nothing right now that's stopping BJ and I from winning The Amazing Race," Tyler says. Gah!!! Yes, there is! It's the giant brick sailing at your head with the words BJ AND ME written on it in big block letters.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Amusement park rides. That's not very amazing. Looks like Mount Fuji makes a majestic appearance, as does the frigid north of our fair continent. Ray encounters a language barrier. The Tools can't find a cab. That seems to be a theme with them. The Hippies may miss an important flight. That seems to be a theme with them. And somebody wins a million dollars. Come on, Ray and Yolanda! I know it's unlikely, but that's what I said about Uchenna and Joyce.
Overall Grade: A
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Reunion
Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 10
Reasons this episode is not getting an F:
-Harold being awesome.
-Lee Anne being awesome.
-Miguel being semi-awesome.
-Stephen redeeming himself.
-Andrea managing to slip her love of bowel movements into the conversation one more time.
Reasons this episode is not getting above a D+:
-Everyone else.
-Including the judges? Oh, you bet.
In fact, I doubt I have the time or inclination to go back and revisit this episode. Just know that it blew chunks.
Overall Grade: D-
Reasons this episode is not getting an F:
-Harold being awesome.
-Lee Anne being awesome.
-Miguel being semi-awesome.
-Stephen redeeming himself.
-Andrea managing to slip her love of bowel movements into the conversation one more time.
Reasons this episode is not getting above a D+:
-Everyone else.
-Including the judges? Oh, you bet.
In fact, I doubt I have the time or inclination to go back and revisit this episode. Just know that it blew chunks.
Overall Grade: D-
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Napa's Finest
Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 9
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs worked together to fail at an asinine challenge. We finally rid ourselves of Stephen. Oh, and two loving souls were joined for eternity or whatever.
San Francisco. At the IHOF, Harold rolls around sleepily in bed. I don't know if I feel sorrier for him being taped or the camera guy whose job it is to hover over people trying to grab some shuteye. Harold voices-over that though Stephen deserved to go home, it was too bad, because Harold really liked him. Ew. Really, Harold? Say it ain't so. Dave lets us in on the origin of his becoming a cook, which we've already heard about. Tiffani interviews for about the six billionth time that she's not in the competition to make friends, then refers to herself in the third person. It's like she's working her way down the list of Irritating Reality Show Cliches. Lee Anne interviews that she'd like to win, and ideally would take Harold and Dave with her to the finals. She says that Tiffani's attitude is far different from her own, and that Tiffani can be very aggressive. She does at least do Tiffani the favor of saying that this attitude really only shows itself in the Kitchen; not that she's a rancid bitch 24/7.
Quickfire. Ptom, Gail, and KatieBot await the chefs in the Kitchen. Dave springs into his annoying shoulder roll. KatieBot explains that there are three spots for the finale in Las Vegas, so this will be the final "normal" elimination. The winner of the Quickfire will not receive immunity, but his or her win will be taken into consideration after the Elimination Challenge. KatieBot goes on to say that this week's Quickfire is all about junk food, so we go into another of Harold's ill-advised "poor me, I hate this challenge" rants, just as he always does when the challenge isn't something like "take something completely normal and make something completely normal out of it". Dude, I like you, but shut up. A variety of junk food is laid out on the table, and the chefs are told that they are to select one and remake it, but with a gourmet twist. Make sense? Harold selects first. He chooses popcorn. Ah, that's what I had for dinner last night. I really need to go grocery shopping. Dave shoulder rolls his way up to the table and chooses nachos. Tiffani picks corndogs. Lee Anne picks hotdogs. The chefs have 45 minutes, and can use any of the Kitchen's supplies. Go!
Dave interviews that his creative side is somewhat burnt out after all of these challenges. I feel him on that one. Harold says he's going in a somewhat different direction than the other chefs, and will be making Ecuadorian ceviche with popcorn cakes. Tiffani says she loves corndogs, but wants to jazz them up a bit. She'll be using some chorizo, which sounds so, so good. Lee Anne is confident in her creativity and nastily squeezes out some tubular meat, though we don't hear what's in it yet. Tiffani interviews that she maintains her calm in the Kitchen, which is our cue to see Dave running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Tiffani's disdainful of his methods, saying she doesn't think he'll be around much longer. Time winds down, people plate up, and they're done.
The judges start with Harold. As he said before, he's made Ecuadorian (incorrectly subtitled as Ecuadoran - hire a proofreader, show. I'm available.) ceviche with cakes made of popcorn on the side. Ceviche is generally composed of chunks of raw fish, lime juice, onion, and minced chile peppers. It's then marinated and served at room temperature with toasted corn or potatoes. It's the national dish of Peru, and sounds completely awesome. The judges love it. Tiffani has made a chorizo duck sausage corndog with a Camembert cream sauce. Yum. More compliments from the judges. Lee Anne has made a Japanese seafood hotdog with spicy mustard and lotus chips. Sounds like something you could get at Trader Joe's. By which I mean it sounds great. Mmmm...Trader Joe's. Yet more compliments from the judges. Dave has made nachos into... Nachos. They're seafood nachos with fire roasted tomato salsa and avocado cream. Sounds good, but he was not kidding about being out of creative ideas. Judging. Harold, Lee Anne, and Tiffani all did a great job. Dave's was far less impressive. He'll be going into the Elimination Challenge in "last place", so to speak. The winner of the challenge is Harold, so he's in the "lead".
WE. STARTED. AT. THE. BOTTOM. OF. THE. FOOD. CHAIN. NOW. WE'RE. GOING. STRAIGHT. TO. THE. TOP. Humans? Is cannibalism the next challenge? Gross! This show has gone too far! The chefs gasp as Ptom and Gail bring in a basket and some wine. Are there dead babies in that thing?
Commercials. I have yet to see a dishwasher that claims you can just run the dishes through without rinsing in the sink first actually be able to follow through on that promise.
Oh. So I guess KatieBot was exaggerating when she said "top of the food chain". What she meant was rare, pricy ingredients. The wine is a 2001 Shafer, which I've never heard of, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm the opposite of a wine expert; I'll drink anything that tastes even fairly good. Suffice it to say that this wine is hard to come by. The basket contains black truffles, worth about a thousand dollars a pound, according to Ptom. Can you imagine the look on Stephen's face when he found out that he got eliminated just before these ingredients appeared? Sweet. The Elimination Challenge will be to prepare a dish using the truffles that pairs well with the wine. The meal will be prepared in Napa. I've been there! And got really drunk! The judges will be some of the best chefs of Napa Valley. The contestant chefs are thrilled. KatieBot tells them that they'll leave tomorrow. Harold is confident, not only because this is finally a challenge he can sink his teeth into, but because of his Quickfire win.
Evening. Lee Anne says that she thinks she has what it takes to be a top chef. She lists off qualities such as respect for others and willingness to learn from her mistakes. Oh, and she's a damn fine cook, too. The chefs pop open a bottle of the Shafer. I'm surprised they're allowed to just kick back with glasses of the stuff if it's so rare and sought after. Tiffani is still giddy about the challenge. Dave is just thankful they finally have more than five to twenty minutes to plan out their menu. Heh, no kidding. Everyone goes to bed soon after. In the morning, Harold interviews that he was feeling really ill. I'm not so sure you want to feature the juxtaposition of Harold drinking your fine wine and Harold getting sick, show. "Be impressed by this rare vintage! It'll make your stomach leap out of your body!" Dave is worried about the amount of ground he has to make up, but seems willing to give it his all. Tiffani says she won't have to worry about being eliminated unless something drastic happens. I think that was shown to make her look smarmy, but she's probably right, so I can't really give her a bunch of shit for it.
Napa Valley. It's beautiful. The chefs are all excited. They are driven to a food supply store (it looks fancier than a regular grocery or supermarket), and are given an hour and $250 to shop for their other ingredients. Lee Anne buys three pounds of lamb. Tiffani also purchases lamb. Harold ALSO purchases lamb. He still feels icky. Dave notes that everyone else bought lamb, so he buys beef, knowing he needs to set himself apart if he wants to stay in the competition. Lee Anne complains in an interview that she was the first person to get lamb (Actually she says she was "the first person to get on the lamb train." Hehehe. Now I'm envisioning Soul Train, but with lambs), and now a whole bunch of them are going for it. I don't think they're copying you, Lee Anne. Didn't everyone work out their menus last night? Harold wishes he'd gone for a vegetarian dish now. Eh. I like certain vegetarian dishes, but if you're going all out with some special ingredients, I think some type of meat is almost essential.
The chefs pull up to the facility they'll be serving at, called Copia. The name of the kitchen there is Julia's Kitchen, named after Julia Child. Aw, I loved her. Tiffani waxes nostalgic about her in an interview. There's a portrait of her on the wall. Lee Anne says that she got to meet her once before she died. Tiffani one-ups that she met her, too. This is the weirdest pissing contest ever. Lee Anne interviews that she and Tiffani break the mold by being women and getting this far in the competition. Huh? Are women regularly discriminated against in the fields of cooking or reality shows? I don't think so. Lee Anne goes on to say that Tiffani's abrasive style comes off as bitchy. I'd give that a solid "meow", but it's totally true. Each of the chefs has two hours of prep time. Tiffani will be serving her dish to the judges first. Then Harold. Then Lee Anne. Dave will be last. Tiffani interviews that she's "there to win" (tally mark!), and that there's nothing wrong with being "aggressive in everything that you do." I'd strongly disagree with that statement. If Tiffani wants to play this game aggressively, that's fine. As much as I loathe the phrase "not here to make friends", I can get behind the sentiment. However, if you're like that all the time, you're not so much "aggressive" as you are an asshole. You'll note that the woman whom the kitchen is named after (and whom Tiffani adores) is remembered as much for her warmth and kindness as her cooking. We'll hear more about this later, but there's a big difference between "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and win" and "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and grind you into dust".
Tiffani will be making lamb and fois gras-stuffed gnocchi. The dough of the gnocchi will contain the truffles. Interesting. Harold is making lamb and sunchoke creamed spinach. Sounds good. His stomach still hurts. Lee Anne is making black truffle risotto with butternut squash to go with her lamb. Dave is making beef with truffle macaroni and cheese. I don't like that idea. I love macaroni and cheese, as any good American should. Still, if the challenge is to make something using specialty ingredients, I feel like making something so common out of them is sort of a cop-out. Just my opinion. Lee Anne calls out to Dave to get a pan that's hung high on the wall down for her. Tiffani makes a bitchface and asks them to be quieter. Again, reasonable request - poor execution. She seems to specialize in those. Dave's next quote is pretty priceless: "Tiffani can be very tough and abrasive in the kitchen, and... You know, you're not saving a life, so it doesn't work for me." Yes! That's what I was trying to say way back when this show started. I hold no quarter with pawning off a bitchy demeanor off on your sense of professionalism in any job; I don't care how "artistic" and "creative" it is.
With an hour to go, Ptom checks in. His contribution is typically pointless and time-wasting, so let's skip it. With half an hour to go, the judges file in and seat themselves. It's a group of executive chefs from all over the region, including the vintner whose wine they're using. They look like they mean business. Tiffani is still plating when time runs out. She says she wanted to make sure the dish went out perfect. The judges have a toast with the Shafer wine. Tiffani says "There's only so much you can kick yourself in the ass for what you've done. And... I just didn't have the time." Well, I don't think you're to that point yet, Tiffani, so keep on kicking. If you're going to throw attitude all over the kitchen and then claim it's because you're so bent on being professional, then you have to take full responsibility when something bad like running late happens. Can't have it both ways.
Commercials. Is that girl in the ranch dressing commercial supposed to be in college? Cause she looks like she's about eleven.
It looks like Tiffani's plates go out about three seconds late, so way to make a big deal out of nothing, show. Her lamb loin has rosemary and thyme and cauliflower puree. It looks like it's perfectly done, as far as how rare the meat is. She retreats to the kitchen, interviewing that her time management was off, but that she stands by the food. One of the judges says that the truffle gnocchi is good, but the cauliflower sauce doesn't complement the wine well. Or something. Harold and some additional waiters serve his dish. The lamb loin has sunchoke-creamed spinach. The sauce served on the lamb incorporates the truffles. The judges love his sunchokes, but one of them finds the mushrooms gritty. Looks like they weren't washed thoroughly. Eek. The judges are actually much more complimentary once he's gone back to the kitchen. Lee Anne is nervous. Tiffani interviews that Lee Anne used too many ingredients. As Lee Anne exits to the dining room, Ptom is bragging to the other judges that with three lamb dishes, it seems likely that one of them will be knocked out unless Dave's beef is a complete disaster. Lee Anne hears this and is understandably unhappy about it, given that the other lamb dishes have preceded her, so the judges are sick of it by now. I've noticed that Ptom is never more happy or animated than when he's talking about who's going to be eliminated. Prick. Also, strip down what he just said to the meaning beneath. "One of the lamb dishes is going to be eliminated, unless it's the beef one." Um, YA THINK? Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Lee Anne's risotto includes the butternut squash and also some mushrooms, all served next to a lamb loin that is crusted with pistachios. Mmm. I once asked my mom if she had any weird cravings when she was pregnant with me, and she told me that she had to start buying pistachio nuts wholesale because she was eating so many of them. Heh. That must be why I love them so. Anyway, Lee Anne describes the multitude of ingredients in her sauce, then heads back to the kitchen. The judges like that the cherry tone of the wine is brought out nicely by her sauce. One judge thinks her risotto is too starchy. Dave admits that macaroni and cheese is a simple dish, but adds that it works well with the truffle. Tiffani interviews that Dave's food is never very refined. True. But we all saw what happens when food is over-refined, and its name is Stephen. The judges dig into the dish. One of them has a fleck of cheese on his chin. Heh. Pass judgement now, piggy! OK, the dish isn't as simplistic as I first thought. The beef is prime filet with collard greens and radicchio, and the mac and cheese incorporates cognac and the truffles. Dave can't help bursting forth all his emotions about how tired he is and such to the judges. They don't care, Dave. The judges love how the truffle complements the mac and cheese, but they all seem to feel that he used way too much pepper.
Guest judge deliberation. Tiffani's dish was good, but too doughy and soft. Plus, the cauliflower puree wasn't a good pairing with the wine. Harold, on the other hand, used the wine perfectly, and the judges really liked the sunchokes. However, his gritty mushrooms seem to be a real bone of contention. Lee Anne had the best sauce, but there was too much going on in the dish. One of the judges repeatedly calls Dave a "pepper monkey", but everyone loved how he used the truffle. Everyone's asked what their favorite and least favorite dish was, though we don't hear what they say. In the kitchen, none of the chefs can really predict who had the best or worst dish. Everyone's tired and anxious.
Commercials. Why am I seeing promos for one of the local news broadcasts on BRAVO? Stick to annoying me on your own channel, Vickie Newton.
Judges' table. KatieBot's hair looks really good. Blah blah three chefs going to Las Vegas. Harold is taken to task a little bit for disdaining dairy in general, though it doesn't seem like he needed it for the dish. Still, when you're working in a kitchen named after Julia Child, it's probably a rule that you throw three sticks of butter into everything. Aw, I miss her. Aside from the gritty mushrooms, Harold did an excellent job. Plus, that Quickfire win puts him in a pretty good position. Lee Anne pushed the boundaries, which is good. Her lamb was slightly overcooked, but the sauce was great. Her ingredients overpowered the truffles and wine, which she should have been showcasing. Tiffani's flavors were great and she was innovative. Her cauliflower puree didn't work at all, though. Dave used the truffles the best, but the rest of his dish seemed to be an afterthought. KatieBot tells them that the guest judges had two clear favorite dishes. Harold's was one of them. He's in. He's happy. Hey, whatever happened with his stomach bug? Guess he got over it. That was pointless. The other favorite was Dave's. He's in. He's shocked. The other chefs are shocked. I'm shocked. Not only that Dave's was the favorite, but that Tiffani and Lee Anne are the bottom two. Did you ever think you'd see Tiffani and Lee Anne as the bottom two? Yeeks.
Harold and Dave congratulate each other in the kitchen, which is nice, considering they've never really gotten along that well. Dave wanders into the walk-in freezer, which has an awesome button that makes the door slide open, like it's something out of Star Trek. I'd play with that thing all day. After he comes back out, they discuss who they think will be joining them. They hope it's Lee Anne. Me too, guys. Back at the table, Tiffani and Lee Anne are asked to explain why they should go to Las Vegas, though I find it hard to believe that the choice hasn't already been made. Tiffani says that she's been true to herself throughout the entire competition and that she's fiercely competitive. No argument so far. Then she says that she's brought humility to the competition, and that's demonstrably false. Not that humility is so necessary in her reasoning as to why she deserves to go to the finals, but it's still a lie. She says that she always admits when she's screwed up. Also demonstrably false. She concludes by saying that her food's been consistently good throughout the competition, and that I do agree with.
Lee Anne says that she very much wants to win, but feels that she doesn't have to be mean to be competitive. She doesn't think putting people down is necessary to excel. Burn! That's basically what it boils down to. People like Tiffani are always saying things like "I'm nice, but when I compete, I'm there to win, so don't give me trouble for not holding your hand." What they fail to understand is that competitors that give a contest their all without needing to resort to such an attitude are better competitors, and usually better people. I know someone on a softball team who argues every call he thinks he can get away with; even the ones he knows he's wrong about. This isn't professional softball. It's a beer league, with games played after work. He'd claim that he's just doing all he can to ensure his team wins. Guess what? Nobody can stand him. Not even the people on his own team. When someone lands on one of your Monopoly properties, you collect rent from them. Collecting it with a jovial smile or a commiserative laugh and collecting it with a nasty barb has the same end result, but really says a lot about you. The penultimate object of a game is to win. However, the ultimate object of a game is to have fun. One could argue that fun is not what these chefs are trying to achieve, and that's true. Still, Lee Anne is perfectly correct in saying that hiding behind a bitchy attitude in the name of competitiveness is a detriment, not an attribute.
Commercials. Ooh, a new Kathy Griffin stand-up special! Yes!
Elimination time. This is probably the most suspenseful elimination of the season. On first viewing, I was clutching my couch in agony. Ptom tells them he's enjoyed working with both of them. Lee Anne has been a solid competitor the entire time, and gets great joy out of cooking. Tiffani has passion and drive. Unfortunately, one of them has to go. TIFFANI. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE. GOING. TO. LAS. VEGAS. Damn. Lee Anne's dish was great, but the execution fell short. Damn. I should have known. Tiffani is kind of the Santino of this show, so of course she's going to the finals. And Lee Anne is kind of like Kara Janx, so of course she's got to be chopped. Damn. And so we bid farewell to my favorite. She comes back to the kitchen and hugs everyone good-bye. Harold and Dave are upset. Tiffani interviews that she and Lee Anne have very different styles. She adds that she feels that she's a nice person, but that's not what she came here to prove. YES, WE GET IT. Again, you shouldn't have to "prove" you're a nice person. You should just be one. Tiffani's probably a pretty cool person in everyday life. But she really needs to understand that you don't check your humanity at the door when you compete.
Lee Anne wishes everyone luck. In her final interview, she's atypically bitter, getting in a passive-aggressive dig at Tiffani. I could have done without that, Lee Anne. I'm sorry you're going too, but be a gracious loser. She thinks there will be a lot of opportunities for her in the future. I have no doubt of it.
Next week on Top Chef: Reunion! And it looks extremely bitchy! Everyone's hair looks like hot, fried ass. Dave cries. Shocking. An "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" T-shirt is given, and I refuse to adopt that as this season's catchphrase. Stephen continues being a smarmy ass. Ken is invited for no perceptible reason other than to cause a lot of drama by being exactly the sort of obnoxious fuckwad that got him eliminated fourteen seconds into the competition. Tiffani may storm off in a huff. Wow.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs worked together to fail at an asinine challenge. We finally rid ourselves of Stephen. Oh, and two loving souls were joined for eternity or whatever.
San Francisco. At the IHOF, Harold rolls around sleepily in bed. I don't know if I feel sorrier for him being taped or the camera guy whose job it is to hover over people trying to grab some shuteye. Harold voices-over that though Stephen deserved to go home, it was too bad, because Harold really liked him. Ew. Really, Harold? Say it ain't so. Dave lets us in on the origin of his becoming a cook, which we've already heard about. Tiffani interviews for about the six billionth time that she's not in the competition to make friends, then refers to herself in the third person. It's like she's working her way down the list of Irritating Reality Show Cliches. Lee Anne interviews that she'd like to win, and ideally would take Harold and Dave with her to the finals. She says that Tiffani's attitude is far different from her own, and that Tiffani can be very aggressive. She does at least do Tiffani the favor of saying that this attitude really only shows itself in the Kitchen; not that she's a rancid bitch 24/7.
Quickfire. Ptom, Gail, and KatieBot await the chefs in the Kitchen. Dave springs into his annoying shoulder roll. KatieBot explains that there are three spots for the finale in Las Vegas, so this will be the final "normal" elimination. The winner of the Quickfire will not receive immunity, but his or her win will be taken into consideration after the Elimination Challenge. KatieBot goes on to say that this week's Quickfire is all about junk food, so we go into another of Harold's ill-advised "poor me, I hate this challenge" rants, just as he always does when the challenge isn't something like "take something completely normal and make something completely normal out of it". Dude, I like you, but shut up. A variety of junk food is laid out on the table, and the chefs are told that they are to select one and remake it, but with a gourmet twist. Make sense? Harold selects first. He chooses popcorn. Ah, that's what I had for dinner last night. I really need to go grocery shopping. Dave shoulder rolls his way up to the table and chooses nachos. Tiffani picks corndogs. Lee Anne picks hotdogs. The chefs have 45 minutes, and can use any of the Kitchen's supplies. Go!
Dave interviews that his creative side is somewhat burnt out after all of these challenges. I feel him on that one. Harold says he's going in a somewhat different direction than the other chefs, and will be making Ecuadorian ceviche with popcorn cakes. Tiffani says she loves corndogs, but wants to jazz them up a bit. She'll be using some chorizo, which sounds so, so good. Lee Anne is confident in her creativity and nastily squeezes out some tubular meat, though we don't hear what's in it yet. Tiffani interviews that she maintains her calm in the Kitchen, which is our cue to see Dave running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Tiffani's disdainful of his methods, saying she doesn't think he'll be around much longer. Time winds down, people plate up, and they're done.
The judges start with Harold. As he said before, he's made Ecuadorian (incorrectly subtitled as Ecuadoran - hire a proofreader, show. I'm available.) ceviche with cakes made of popcorn on the side. Ceviche is generally composed of chunks of raw fish, lime juice, onion, and minced chile peppers. It's then marinated and served at room temperature with toasted corn or potatoes. It's the national dish of Peru, and sounds completely awesome. The judges love it. Tiffani has made a chorizo duck sausage corndog with a Camembert cream sauce. Yum. More compliments from the judges. Lee Anne has made a Japanese seafood hotdog with spicy mustard and lotus chips. Sounds like something you could get at Trader Joe's. By which I mean it sounds great. Mmmm...Trader Joe's. Yet more compliments from the judges. Dave has made nachos into... Nachos. They're seafood nachos with fire roasted tomato salsa and avocado cream. Sounds good, but he was not kidding about being out of creative ideas. Judging. Harold, Lee Anne, and Tiffani all did a great job. Dave's was far less impressive. He'll be going into the Elimination Challenge in "last place", so to speak. The winner of the challenge is Harold, so he's in the "lead".
WE. STARTED. AT. THE. BOTTOM. OF. THE. FOOD. CHAIN. NOW. WE'RE. GOING. STRAIGHT. TO. THE. TOP. Humans? Is cannibalism the next challenge? Gross! This show has gone too far! The chefs gasp as Ptom and Gail bring in a basket and some wine. Are there dead babies in that thing?
Commercials. I have yet to see a dishwasher that claims you can just run the dishes through without rinsing in the sink first actually be able to follow through on that promise.
Oh. So I guess KatieBot was exaggerating when she said "top of the food chain". What she meant was rare, pricy ingredients. The wine is a 2001 Shafer, which I've never heard of, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm the opposite of a wine expert; I'll drink anything that tastes even fairly good. Suffice it to say that this wine is hard to come by. The basket contains black truffles, worth about a thousand dollars a pound, according to Ptom. Can you imagine the look on Stephen's face when he found out that he got eliminated just before these ingredients appeared? Sweet. The Elimination Challenge will be to prepare a dish using the truffles that pairs well with the wine. The meal will be prepared in Napa. I've been there! And got really drunk! The judges will be some of the best chefs of Napa Valley. The contestant chefs are thrilled. KatieBot tells them that they'll leave tomorrow. Harold is confident, not only because this is finally a challenge he can sink his teeth into, but because of his Quickfire win.
Evening. Lee Anne says that she thinks she has what it takes to be a top chef. She lists off qualities such as respect for others and willingness to learn from her mistakes. Oh, and she's a damn fine cook, too. The chefs pop open a bottle of the Shafer. I'm surprised they're allowed to just kick back with glasses of the stuff if it's so rare and sought after. Tiffani is still giddy about the challenge. Dave is just thankful they finally have more than five to twenty minutes to plan out their menu. Heh, no kidding. Everyone goes to bed soon after. In the morning, Harold interviews that he was feeling really ill. I'm not so sure you want to feature the juxtaposition of Harold drinking your fine wine and Harold getting sick, show. "Be impressed by this rare vintage! It'll make your stomach leap out of your body!" Dave is worried about the amount of ground he has to make up, but seems willing to give it his all. Tiffani says she won't have to worry about being eliminated unless something drastic happens. I think that was shown to make her look smarmy, but she's probably right, so I can't really give her a bunch of shit for it.
Napa Valley. It's beautiful. The chefs are all excited. They are driven to a food supply store (it looks fancier than a regular grocery or supermarket), and are given an hour and $250 to shop for their other ingredients. Lee Anne buys three pounds of lamb. Tiffani also purchases lamb. Harold ALSO purchases lamb. He still feels icky. Dave notes that everyone else bought lamb, so he buys beef, knowing he needs to set himself apart if he wants to stay in the competition. Lee Anne complains in an interview that she was the first person to get lamb (Actually she says she was "the first person to get on the lamb train." Hehehe. Now I'm envisioning Soul Train, but with lambs), and now a whole bunch of them are going for it. I don't think they're copying you, Lee Anne. Didn't everyone work out their menus last night? Harold wishes he'd gone for a vegetarian dish now. Eh. I like certain vegetarian dishes, but if you're going all out with some special ingredients, I think some type of meat is almost essential.
The chefs pull up to the facility they'll be serving at, called Copia. The name of the kitchen there is Julia's Kitchen, named after Julia Child. Aw, I loved her. Tiffani waxes nostalgic about her in an interview. There's a portrait of her on the wall. Lee Anne says that she got to meet her once before she died. Tiffani one-ups that she met her, too. This is the weirdest pissing contest ever. Lee Anne interviews that she and Tiffani break the mold by being women and getting this far in the competition. Huh? Are women regularly discriminated against in the fields of cooking or reality shows? I don't think so. Lee Anne goes on to say that Tiffani's abrasive style comes off as bitchy. I'd give that a solid "meow", but it's totally true. Each of the chefs has two hours of prep time. Tiffani will be serving her dish to the judges first. Then Harold. Then Lee Anne. Dave will be last. Tiffani interviews that she's "there to win" (tally mark!), and that there's nothing wrong with being "aggressive in everything that you do." I'd strongly disagree with that statement. If Tiffani wants to play this game aggressively, that's fine. As much as I loathe the phrase "not here to make friends", I can get behind the sentiment. However, if you're like that all the time, you're not so much "aggressive" as you are an asshole. You'll note that the woman whom the kitchen is named after (and whom Tiffani adores) is remembered as much for her warmth and kindness as her cooking. We'll hear more about this later, but there's a big difference between "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and win" and "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and grind you into dust".
Tiffani will be making lamb and fois gras-stuffed gnocchi. The dough of the gnocchi will contain the truffles. Interesting. Harold is making lamb and sunchoke creamed spinach. Sounds good. His stomach still hurts. Lee Anne is making black truffle risotto with butternut squash to go with her lamb. Dave is making beef with truffle macaroni and cheese. I don't like that idea. I love macaroni and cheese, as any good American should. Still, if the challenge is to make something using specialty ingredients, I feel like making something so common out of them is sort of a cop-out. Just my opinion. Lee Anne calls out to Dave to get a pan that's hung high on the wall down for her. Tiffani makes a bitchface and asks them to be quieter. Again, reasonable request - poor execution. She seems to specialize in those. Dave's next quote is pretty priceless: "Tiffani can be very tough and abrasive in the kitchen, and... You know, you're not saving a life, so it doesn't work for me." Yes! That's what I was trying to say way back when this show started. I hold no quarter with pawning off a bitchy demeanor off on your sense of professionalism in any job; I don't care how "artistic" and "creative" it is.
With an hour to go, Ptom checks in. His contribution is typically pointless and time-wasting, so let's skip it. With half an hour to go, the judges file in and seat themselves. It's a group of executive chefs from all over the region, including the vintner whose wine they're using. They look like they mean business. Tiffani is still plating when time runs out. She says she wanted to make sure the dish went out perfect. The judges have a toast with the Shafer wine. Tiffani says "There's only so much you can kick yourself in the ass for what you've done. And... I just didn't have the time." Well, I don't think you're to that point yet, Tiffani, so keep on kicking. If you're going to throw attitude all over the kitchen and then claim it's because you're so bent on being professional, then you have to take full responsibility when something bad like running late happens. Can't have it both ways.
Commercials. Is that girl in the ranch dressing commercial supposed to be in college? Cause she looks like she's about eleven.
It looks like Tiffani's plates go out about three seconds late, so way to make a big deal out of nothing, show. Her lamb loin has rosemary and thyme and cauliflower puree. It looks like it's perfectly done, as far as how rare the meat is. She retreats to the kitchen, interviewing that her time management was off, but that she stands by the food. One of the judges says that the truffle gnocchi is good, but the cauliflower sauce doesn't complement the wine well. Or something. Harold and some additional waiters serve his dish. The lamb loin has sunchoke-creamed spinach. The sauce served on the lamb incorporates the truffles. The judges love his sunchokes, but one of them finds the mushrooms gritty. Looks like they weren't washed thoroughly. Eek. The judges are actually much more complimentary once he's gone back to the kitchen. Lee Anne is nervous. Tiffani interviews that Lee Anne used too many ingredients. As Lee Anne exits to the dining room, Ptom is bragging to the other judges that with three lamb dishes, it seems likely that one of them will be knocked out unless Dave's beef is a complete disaster. Lee Anne hears this and is understandably unhappy about it, given that the other lamb dishes have preceded her, so the judges are sick of it by now. I've noticed that Ptom is never more happy or animated than when he's talking about who's going to be eliminated. Prick. Also, strip down what he just said to the meaning beneath. "One of the lamb dishes is going to be eliminated, unless it's the beef one." Um, YA THINK? Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Lee Anne's risotto includes the butternut squash and also some mushrooms, all served next to a lamb loin that is crusted with pistachios. Mmm. I once asked my mom if she had any weird cravings when she was pregnant with me, and she told me that she had to start buying pistachio nuts wholesale because she was eating so many of them. Heh. That must be why I love them so. Anyway, Lee Anne describes the multitude of ingredients in her sauce, then heads back to the kitchen. The judges like that the cherry tone of the wine is brought out nicely by her sauce. One judge thinks her risotto is too starchy. Dave admits that macaroni and cheese is a simple dish, but adds that it works well with the truffle. Tiffani interviews that Dave's food is never very refined. True. But we all saw what happens when food is over-refined, and its name is Stephen. The judges dig into the dish. One of them has a fleck of cheese on his chin. Heh. Pass judgement now, piggy! OK, the dish isn't as simplistic as I first thought. The beef is prime filet with collard greens and radicchio, and the mac and cheese incorporates cognac and the truffles. Dave can't help bursting forth all his emotions about how tired he is and such to the judges. They don't care, Dave. The judges love how the truffle complements the mac and cheese, but they all seem to feel that he used way too much pepper.
Guest judge deliberation. Tiffani's dish was good, but too doughy and soft. Plus, the cauliflower puree wasn't a good pairing with the wine. Harold, on the other hand, used the wine perfectly, and the judges really liked the sunchokes. However, his gritty mushrooms seem to be a real bone of contention. Lee Anne had the best sauce, but there was too much going on in the dish. One of the judges repeatedly calls Dave a "pepper monkey", but everyone loved how he used the truffle. Everyone's asked what their favorite and least favorite dish was, though we don't hear what they say. In the kitchen, none of the chefs can really predict who had the best or worst dish. Everyone's tired and anxious.
Commercials. Why am I seeing promos for one of the local news broadcasts on BRAVO? Stick to annoying me on your own channel, Vickie Newton.
Judges' table. KatieBot's hair looks really good. Blah blah three chefs going to Las Vegas. Harold is taken to task a little bit for disdaining dairy in general, though it doesn't seem like he needed it for the dish. Still, when you're working in a kitchen named after Julia Child, it's probably a rule that you throw three sticks of butter into everything. Aw, I miss her. Aside from the gritty mushrooms, Harold did an excellent job. Plus, that Quickfire win puts him in a pretty good position. Lee Anne pushed the boundaries, which is good. Her lamb was slightly overcooked, but the sauce was great. Her ingredients overpowered the truffles and wine, which she should have been showcasing. Tiffani's flavors were great and she was innovative. Her cauliflower puree didn't work at all, though. Dave used the truffles the best, but the rest of his dish seemed to be an afterthought. KatieBot tells them that the guest judges had two clear favorite dishes. Harold's was one of them. He's in. He's happy. Hey, whatever happened with his stomach bug? Guess he got over it. That was pointless. The other favorite was Dave's. He's in. He's shocked. The other chefs are shocked. I'm shocked. Not only that Dave's was the favorite, but that Tiffani and Lee Anne are the bottom two. Did you ever think you'd see Tiffani and Lee Anne as the bottom two? Yeeks.
Harold and Dave congratulate each other in the kitchen, which is nice, considering they've never really gotten along that well. Dave wanders into the walk-in freezer, which has an awesome button that makes the door slide open, like it's something out of Star Trek. I'd play with that thing all day. After he comes back out, they discuss who they think will be joining them. They hope it's Lee Anne. Me too, guys. Back at the table, Tiffani and Lee Anne are asked to explain why they should go to Las Vegas, though I find it hard to believe that the choice hasn't already been made. Tiffani says that she's been true to herself throughout the entire competition and that she's fiercely competitive. No argument so far. Then she says that she's brought humility to the competition, and that's demonstrably false. Not that humility is so necessary in her reasoning as to why she deserves to go to the finals, but it's still a lie. She says that she always admits when she's screwed up. Also demonstrably false. She concludes by saying that her food's been consistently good throughout the competition, and that I do agree with.
Lee Anne says that she very much wants to win, but feels that she doesn't have to be mean to be competitive. She doesn't think putting people down is necessary to excel. Burn! That's basically what it boils down to. People like Tiffani are always saying things like "I'm nice, but when I compete, I'm there to win, so don't give me trouble for not holding your hand." What they fail to understand is that competitors that give a contest their all without needing to resort to such an attitude are better competitors, and usually better people. I know someone on a softball team who argues every call he thinks he can get away with; even the ones he knows he's wrong about. This isn't professional softball. It's a beer league, with games played after work. He'd claim that he's just doing all he can to ensure his team wins. Guess what? Nobody can stand him. Not even the people on his own team. When someone lands on one of your Monopoly properties, you collect rent from them. Collecting it with a jovial smile or a commiserative laugh and collecting it with a nasty barb has the same end result, but really says a lot about you. The penultimate object of a game is to win. However, the ultimate object of a game is to have fun. One could argue that fun is not what these chefs are trying to achieve, and that's true. Still, Lee Anne is perfectly correct in saying that hiding behind a bitchy attitude in the name of competitiveness is a detriment, not an attribute.
Commercials. Ooh, a new Kathy Griffin stand-up special! Yes!
Elimination time. This is probably the most suspenseful elimination of the season. On first viewing, I was clutching my couch in agony. Ptom tells them he's enjoyed working with both of them. Lee Anne has been a solid competitor the entire time, and gets great joy out of cooking. Tiffani has passion and drive. Unfortunately, one of them has to go. TIFFANI. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE. GOING. TO. LAS. VEGAS. Damn. Lee Anne's dish was great, but the execution fell short. Damn. I should have known. Tiffani is kind of the Santino of this show, so of course she's going to the finals. And Lee Anne is kind of like Kara Janx, so of course she's got to be chopped. Damn. And so we bid farewell to my favorite. She comes back to the kitchen and hugs everyone good-bye. Harold and Dave are upset. Tiffani interviews that she and Lee Anne have very different styles. She adds that she feels that she's a nice person, but that's not what she came here to prove. YES, WE GET IT. Again, you shouldn't have to "prove" you're a nice person. You should just be one. Tiffani's probably a pretty cool person in everyday life. But she really needs to understand that you don't check your humanity at the door when you compete.
Lee Anne wishes everyone luck. In her final interview, she's atypically bitter, getting in a passive-aggressive dig at Tiffani. I could have done without that, Lee Anne. I'm sorry you're going too, but be a gracious loser. She thinks there will be a lot of opportunities for her in the future. I have no doubt of it.
Next week on Top Chef: Reunion! And it looks extremely bitchy! Everyone's hair looks like hot, fried ass. Dave cries. Shocking. An "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" T-shirt is given, and I refuse to adopt that as this season's catchphrase. Stephen continues being a smarmy ass. Ken is invited for no perceptible reason other than to cause a lot of drama by being exactly the sort of obnoxious fuckwad that got him eliminated fourteen seconds into the competition. Tiffani may storm off in a huff. Wow.
Overall Grade: B
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