The Crying Game

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 4

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Brittany looked exactly the same, acted exactly the same, and got eliminated just the same. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We begin the evening with Analeigh down on herself for being in the bottom two with Brittany. If she moped about it for a week, it'd be annoying, but panel seems to have happened recently, so it's understandable. Well, not to Hannah. Hannah complains that Analeigh needs to "pick up [her] beans" and get over it. Yeah, Analeigh. What's with your inability to pick up beans?

The girls are taken to a bowling alley, but it's not for fun and games. They're instructed to do a runway walk down the alley, and we all know how slick those things are. Isis stumbles a bit, and Marjorie and Hannah are terrible. Back at the pad, Hannah heads straight to the runway for some practice. The other girls try to advise her, which is sweet, but a bit too little, too late. After Clark and Lauren Brie indulge in some nasty gossip about how Isis doesn't belong in the competition, the girls are taken to a runway challenge at a vintage bank. Give it a couple weeks, and all banks will be vintage. OJ tells the girls that one of them is getting eliminated directly after the challenge, which riddles them with anxiety.

Though the girls are told they'll be dressed as cat burglars for the runway show, nothing of the kind happens. They wear long dresses, which I think would be an active detriment to sneaking past a security system. An added twist is that they'll be wearing blindfolds, which are more obscurefolds, but still. Hannah forgets everything she learned, and her walk sucks noodles, as does Marjorie's. Added to the mix is Samantha, who walks so terribly that she deeply offends the designer. Joslyn wins the challenge, and takes Sheena and Isis along to her reward photo shoot. Hannah's bad walk dooms her, and she's eliminated on the spot.

The next morning, OJ breaks in and wakes up the girls while wearing tight clothes. I'd throw myself out the window. It turns out that it's time for the photo shoot, which will take place right there at the model pad. The girls will get into the pool, and partially submerge themselves, so that they'll just be shot (by Nigel) from the top of the nose up. Several girls excel, if not in their facial expression, then by their various bodily contortions.

At panel, Clark is called first, which is not good news. Giving validation to assholes generally leads to tiresome situations. She's followed by Analeigh, who no doubt feels redeemed, but is still boring as hell. Though Joslyn's swimming difficulties and Elina's inability to come up with more than one pose irritate the judges, they pull through. The final two come down to Isis, whose pictures are getting worse, and Samantha, because the guest judge designer still hates her guts from the runway challenge. Isis gets the axe, and I'm heartened to see that it was because of legitimately bad pictures, and not for any bullshit reason even tangentially related to her being transgender. She's tearful as she leaves, but is proud of what she's accomplished and grateful for the opportunity. Good on her. The Back to the Future fadeout gets an extra workout as Isis and Hannah disappear together.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie gets on everyone's nerves. A hideous swamp monster eats all the girls. Guess it'll be a short season.

Overall Grade: B

Blue Suede Snooze

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 11

For this evening's challenge, the producers put elements of other challenges in a blender and hit puree. After jettisoning three models, the designers are free to pick a new one. Though it seems likely that everyone will stick with their original model, they actually change it up a little. Leanne yoinks Suede's model, which causes him to sniff that she's "like a kid in a candy store; always wants what someone else has". What a lovely potpourri of metaphors. Kids in candy stores don't want what other kids have. They want candy. Doofus.

The models aren't even used in this challenge, because the designers are told they'll be designing for each other. But wait! There's more! Each outfit must be inspired by a particular music genre. Suede designs a rock and roll outfit for Jerell, which makes him look like...Jerell. Korto designs a punk outfit for Suede, and although she doesn't exactly set the world aflame, the jeans fit well and the bleach treatment looks nice. Jerell makes a pop outfit for Kenley, and makes her look awesome. True, pop is about the easiest genre to design for, but Jerell pulls it off with aplomb. Leanne designs a country outfit for Korto, which is exactly as hilarious as it sounds. And Kenley? Oof. Kenley, who can't design anything that you couldn't find in a vintage shop, must design a hip-hop outfit for Leanne, who may be the whitest person in America. It turns out predictably awful, and she doesn't help her cause by mouthing off to Tim and the judges (including LL Cool J) about how they don't understand hip-hop. You heard me.

Korto and Jerell are given high marks, with Korto taking the challenge win. Leanne is fair-to-middling, and is declared safe, leaving Suede and Kenley in the bottom two. Although her outfit is far worse than his, her overall design potential is considered higher, not to mention the fact that she's certainly letting her bitch flag fly proud these days. So Suede is cut, which causes fans of fashion and grammar alike to heave a sigh of relief. I guess Leanne taking his model doesn't make much difference now.

Overall Grade: B+

Make Me Up Before You Go Go

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 3

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Hannah was exposed as a sort-of racist. Nikeysha babbled her way into elimination. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Tyra meets the girls at the pad for a princess-themed, tiara-wearing rap session that looks like grand fun. For six-year-olds. Thus, the girls love it. Tyra informs them that the time has come for makeovers, and the usual shrieks ensue. For the first time in history, it appears that the girls actually realize what the makeover episode is all about, and nobody breaks down into hysterical shock when their hair is cut.

Marjorie's hair is dyed brown, and looks better than I thought it would. Joslyn gets a long weave that works well on her. Hannah gets a heavily-banged bob that looks awful in the salon, but looks better in subsequent parts of the episode. Samantha gets a super-cute pixie cut. Clark's hair is dyed dark brown, which doesn't work on her at all. Honestly, she's just not that pretty. Lauren Brie goes ice blond and looks exactly the same. Sheena gets some highlights. Analeigh getzzz... Isis gets extensions that look pretty good. McKey's hair is dyed black and chopped into a asymmetrical cut. It would look terrible on anyone else, but she manages to carry it off. Brittany gets a wavy weave and looks the same. Elina is the girl chosen to get the traditional "extreme" look, which is reminiscent of the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. It's a fairly unattractive red weave. She might be able to work it, but it'll take some talent.

The girls are carted off to WalMart for a makeup challenge, once again destroying any right this show ever had to whine about how certain girls aren't "high-fashion" enough to represent them. After some bullshit product placement, Hannah wins the challenge and will be on some online ad that nobody will ever see. Back at the pad, conversation turns to mothers. All is hearts and flowers between Brittany and her mom, but Elina kind of hates hers. That gives Brittany an opportunity to indulge in her favorite hobby: passing judgment on others. She has a valid point that publicly trashing the woman who financially supports you is kind of assy, but her smug self-satisfaction is obnoxious. Plus, mind your own business. Brittany doesn't know what goes on in that household.

Anyhoo, the photo shoot this week is a general swimsuit shot. A lot of girls excel. Samantha, Joslyn, Elina, McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, and Lauren Brie all look good. Isis and Hannah are passable, Clark and Brittany are bland, and Analeigh izzz... At panel, Elina is called first, and while I don't think her photo was the best, she certainly deserves some credit for getting a good shot with that weird hair plopped on her head. Down at the bottom, Brittany and Analeigh are both pretty, but about as interesting as waiting in line at the DMV. I'd be happy with either of them getting cut, so am pleased as punch when Brittany gets chopped. Was it really only two episodes ago I thought she'd go all the way? Huh. Well, I certainly don't mind being wrong in this case. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Bowling. A possible early elimination takes a girl out mid-challenge.

Overall Grade: B+

Cap and Gowns

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 10

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where they re-edit the end of Gone With the Wind to give it a bland ending so that it'll be palatable to senile old people? It's like they took that concept and spread it across this entire season. Tonight's challenge deals with mothers, which as we all know, has the potential to create some very delicious conflict. But not these snoozers. The specific challenge is to create an outfit for young women who have just graduated college and are entering the workforce. The catch is that the girls' moms have come along to offer advice and criticism.

Tim Gunn: "They are both your clients."
Tiffany: "So make them look like whores."

None of the clients give anyone much trouble, with the minor exception of the mother bugging Leanne, but even she's not that bad. So, clothes are constructed. Limecrete wanders to the dining room to stock up on wine and cheese. Runway show.

Leanne makes some changes to please the chatty mother, but manages to retain her aesthetic. It turns out well. Kenley makes yet another retro dress, turning her girl into a miniature version of herself. Her nasal voice and snide attitude is starting to really grate. Korto does fine work as usual. She's really the most versatile and talented designer. Joe makes a shockingly ill-fitting outfit that looks like crap. Jerell's is fine. Suede's dress isn't entirely tragic, but it doesn't suit the girl or her chosen profession. Plus, the jacket over the dress is hideous. When it comes down to decisions, Kenley, Korto, and Jerell land in the top three. Jerell wins, which is a lot more understandable this time. That leaves Leanne, Joe, and Suede in the bottom three. Leanne is clearly head and shoulders above the other two, and is declared safe almost immediately. Even though Suede has pretty much thoroughly sucked and Joe has had one or two triumphs, nobody can overlook just how bad Joe's entry is this week, and he's eliminated. Then he says he'll teach his daughters that dreams can be so big that they'll consume you. Or something.

Overall Grade: C+

Hot Airhead Balloon

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 2

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Models! Oh, my little pretty one, my pretty one...my Sharaun-a was a despicable person and a poor model to boot, and was happily booted to be despicable elsewhere. Thirteen models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

As promised last week, Marjorie's winning photo is displayed in the model pad, and the other girls have the grace to at least fake being happy for her. The first Tyra Mail of the evening sends the girls to meet Benny Ninja, who's starting to pop up on this show so often, he'll probably become a permanent fixture at some point. If he replaces OJ, I'm all for it. Benny tries to teach some extreme posing, because if you're going to be a model, it's important that you be able to stretch around in the fabric version of sausage casing. The girls do their best to writhe in a high fashion way. Sheena's extreme flexibility works to her advantage, while Nikeysha flops around like she's been caught in a tuna net.

Back at the pad, everyone jumps in the pool and relaxes in the hot tub. Clark -- you know, the girl who extolled small town values in her disdain for including Isis in the competition -- indulges in faux-lesbian kisses with Elina, who enjoys macking on the straight-and-narrow contestants. Hannah sits against the wall, and when Isis almost backs into her (which would have crushed her skinny ass like a peanut shell), Hannah puts her hands up and gives Isis a little shove. Nothing, right? Ah, but you forget. This is America's Next Top Model, where EVERYTHING is a big deal. Hannah-protecting-her-personal-space morphs into Hannah-is-a-bigoted-racist in about four microseconds. Brittany, Sheena, and Joslyn jump down her throat, and if Hannah had just explained that she didn't want to get her head smashed against a wall... Well, it probably wouldn't have made a difference, but still. The absolute worst way to respond is to shrug that you're just a stereotypical white girl, and compare people mildly gossiping about you to gang rape. That's exactly what Hannah does, pissing away any sympathy anyone may have had for her. Isis, despite being the impetus for this huge fight, is nowhere to be seen during the actual fight. She probably knows how ridiculous everyone's being.

The girls head to a challenge where they must strike an extreme pose while featuring a handbag for a jewelry designer. Sheena sticks the bag in her crotch, Nikeysha sucks yet again (and informs everyone present that she has to take a whiz), and Elina wins the day. The photo shoot is originally intended to strike fear into the girls' hearts by having them pose on a ladder hanging from a hot air balloon. When the wind picks up, even OJ realizes that dead models may not be the way to improve ratings, and the challenge is quickly changed so the ladder is securely fastened to a crane. Standouts include Lauren Brie, Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie. Sheena doesn't use her arms or legs to hold onto the ladder, harnessing the power of her hoochie buttcheeks to keep herself aloft. Nikeysha, to nobody's surprise, sucks yet again. Isis' concentration on her pose leads to a weak face. At panel, Paulina asks Sheena if her jugs are a gift from God or a surgical consult. Sheena swears that it's all her, but once the criticisms are handed out to everyone, she comes forward again and admits to her bionic boobs. This admission apparently makes her more heroic than the rescue workers at Ground Zero.

Speaking of criticisms, Lauren Brie is called first, and told she has one of the best shots in Top Model history, which, not. Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie also get praised. Isis and Nikeysha fall to the bottom two, and even putting aside that there's no way they'd boot the transexual contestant this early, Nikeysha sucks so hard and talks so much, this may be the easiest elimination ever to call. Indeed, Nikeysha takes the walk, talking over Isis' safety speech, her own elimination, and straight through the Back to the Future fadeout. Yeesh.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Whatever they do to Elina is a Top Model first!

LabRat: "They're making her black."

Overall Grade: B-

Horrorscope

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 9

You know what, Project Runway? It's incredibly rude of you to hog all the really good drugs and not offer any to your audience. You must be hoarding some really primo shit to explain this week's decisions, which are far more mystifying than any claptrap your garden variety astrologer could dream up.

In order to inject some interest into this humdrum season, the eliminated designers are brought back to be paired up with the current designers. The challenge is to select the astrological sign of one of the team's members, then construct an avant-garde garment inspired by that sign. Most of the teams get along fine. The notable exception is Terri, who would rather rely on herself to do everything, and Keith, who needs to be gently taken aside and have it explained that he's not still in the running to win. Avant-garde is a tricky concept, especially when it must be matched to a specific inspiration, and a lot of the teams fall flat in one way or the other.

Korto and Kelli's garment isn't particulary avant-garde, but nicely evokes Aquarius. Kenley and Wesley's is nicely avant-garde, but doesn't have a thing to do with Aquarius. It doesn't even matter to Blayne what the challenge, the inspiration, or the helper (Stella) is, because he makes what he always makes: Vibrantly-colored fug. Jerell and Jennifer's somehow manages to be bland and tacky at the same time. Leanne and Emily's is terrific. It manages to pull off avant-garde and evoke a clear image of Scorpio. Well done. Another good one is Joe and Daniel's, which is like the flip-side of Jerell's -- interesting and lovely. Suede and Jerry's is dull. Terri tries to pull out Keith's Leo with some faux fur.

The designs are taken to a party, where the winner will be chosen by more ghosts of Project Runway past, including Jay, Christian, Kara Janx, Danzzz, and... Carmen? Carmen?!? Sure, why not? When scouting out high fashion, it's important to get the opinion of the chick who sent strips of unfinished fabric down the runway and got eliminated second. When Terri's fur doesn't get high marks, she reworks the design before the runway show, eschewing all ideas and offers of help from Keith, who whines a lot. After the show, the drugs really kick in, as Jerell is declared the winner. What the holy fuck? Leanne, Korto, and Joe's designs are all better than his. And not just sort of better. FAR better. Two designers are to be eliminated tonight, and the judges kick it off with a gimme by giving Blayne his long overdue booting. Loserlicious! Kenley is in danger solely because she mouthed off to Heidi, but is declared safe. That brings it to Terri and Suede, and even though we know that Terri has more design potential in her toenails than that sack of tiresome affectations has in his whole body, her inability to work with Keith gets her punted. If I gave two shits about the outcome of this season, I'd be furious. Instead, I'm just curious who the judges' dealer is. Somebody get his number.

Overall Grade: C

Ballot Boxes

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 1

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirty-three girls wanted to take home the title. Nineteen of them achieved their goal, if the title they wanted was Loser. The remaining fourteen move on to the second half of the premiere. Who won't last long enough to have all of her hair chopped off?

The girls move into the model pad in Los Angeles, which is just as swanky as ever. Where do they find these places? The inside is decorated with well-known moments of models past, which leads to a plug for Tyra's talk show. It will not be the last. Since we can't have three girls named Brittany wandering around, Brittney B. agrees to go by Sharaun and Brittany S. agrees to go by McKey. We're never told what inspired these names, so I'm going to go with the assumption that they threw darts at a wall of letters and wrote down whatever got hit.

The girls are taken to the Magic Castle (Hey, I've been there! It was uber-fancy and a lot of fun) to meet with the judges. The judges hide in various rooms, and the girls run all over to find them so they can ask and answer questions. Sharaun impresses nobody but herself. Marjorie is a ball of nerves and giggles uncontrollably. McKey is asked what she would do if a photographer propositioned her. She says she'd kick him in the balls and leave, which takes Nigel aback. Hey, she could have given a much worse answer. Nigel's also taken aback by Isis' intelligence and knowledge of how to capture light, though he says there's something a little off about her. Because he totally hasn't been informed beforehand that she's a transexual. I fully believe you, show. In unrelated news, I traded away my cow for some magic beans this afternoon.

The photo shoot, as in seasons past, takes a political tone. Sort of. Tyra's heart is in the right place, as she makes sure to stress the importance of youth voting. Admirable. Still, the photo shoot calls for the girls to make political issues sexy, so it's just a series of shots of girls giving the cameras their best smolders and hooch poses in front of voting booths and flags. Clark, who has reminded us a gazillion times that she's competitive, takes offense when the others won't explain to her what bureaucracy means. I don't know whether to highlight "bureaucracy" or "competitive" in the dictionary I'm going to chuck at her head. Ah, hell. I'll highlight both. I'm nice like that. She never finds out, and her shot in front of a wall of red tape sucks rocks.

Other poor shots include Lauren Brie (education), Sharaun (homeland security), Samantha (economy), and Hannah (nuclear weapons). The others are passable, and notable standouts include Elina (foreign policy), Joslyn (unemployment), and Isis (privacy). At panel, the judges like Marjorie's immigration shot much more than LabRat and I, and she gets called first. Tyra informs us that the girl chosen first each week will have her shot presented as digital art in the model pad. That'll be good for generating envy-motivated drama. Isis and McKey (environment) are also given high marks. Down at the bottom are Nikeysha (cloning), who interrupts the judges during her critique, which is never a way to get into their good graces. Joining her is Sharaun, whose photo is bland and who said hideous things to Isis in the middle of her shoot. She gets booted, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Is there a better experience than watching instant karma take an asshole down?

Overall Grade: B-

Roboskanks

America's Next Top Model - Season 11 Casting Special

We're back for Cycle 11, which is good news if only for getting some truly stupid girls off the streets and out of the general public's hair. I'm generally not a fan of the opening hour of the premiere, as it tends to always be the same winnowing process, but with different annoying girls. But something strange happened with this one. It hardly rubbed me the wrong way at all! In fact, dare I say, I liked it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that instead of three nice girls and thirty deluded bitches, the proportion has flipped. Now, most of the girls seem to really want to be models, instead of scrounging for camera time by acting as twatty as they can.

Not that there aren't exceptions. Tyra loves her archetypes. There's the vegan. The deprogrammed Mormon. The girl kidnapped to be a Saudi bride. The bitch. The waif. The token plus-size girl. The biracial girl. The semi-bisexual. The ghetto girl. The judgmental snot. The tranny. Oh, you heard me. One of the "girls" is a pre-op transexual, which has the potential to be obnoxious. But again, in a strange twist, it's really quite touching. Isis could have come with a me-against-the-world attitude, but she manages to make no apologies for who she is, while still being as friendly as possible to girls who wrinkle their noses in disgust.

The opening hour also always has a laughable theme, and in this case, it's futuristic technology. Makes sense. Tyra is 60% android, and the two Jays may as well be molded out of plastic. Speaking of, OJ is looking grosser by the season. Is that his "futuristic" costume or his "aging lesbian" costume? Panel interviews showcase the girls' various psychoses. The thirty-three semi-finalists are whittled down to twenty. Aw, deprogrammed Mormon will not be moving on to the metallic catsuit portion of the hour. What a shame. The girls choose their own pose before Tyra and the Jays do the final cut. I'm happy to see that the judgmental snot will not be moving into the house, because five minutes of her was about all I could take. Also cut is the plus-sizer (who needs them since Whitney won?), and a girl who majored in English Literature at Harvard, but doesn't know who Jane Eyre is. My poor blog's namesake weeps in despair. After the dust settles, fourteen girls make it in:

-Ghetto Asian (Sheena)
-Boring Girl (Analeigh)
-Saleisha Wannabe (Nikeysha)
-French Waif (Marjorie)
-Naive Teen (Samantha)
-Exotic Bisexual (Elina -- LabRat's early favorite)
-Biracial Hottie (Brittany R. -- Limecrete's early favorite)
-Annoying Egomaniac (Brittney B.)
-Side-Talking Cage-Fighter (Brittany S. -- No, I'm not kidding -- three girls named Brittany)
-Small-Town Rube (Hannah)
-Pre-Op Transexual (Isis)
-Bitch (Clark)
-Twelve-Head (Lauren Brie)
-Squeaky Old Lady (Joslyn -- Who's got one foot in the grave at the ripe old age of 23)

That's a lot of ovaries. Let's move on to the second hour of the premiere, where we can cut a couple loose (or not, if Isis takes the fall).

Overall Grade: B

China Syndrome

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 8

Though I don't mind the goofy or off-kilter challenges, I like it when the show comes up with a challenge as simple as "Make a garment in this particular style. Go." It's easy for contestants to excuse shoddy work on weird challenges ("Of course the judges didn't like my dress. How often do you think I make clothes out of spinach leaves?"), but there's no hiding when they're given almost free rein.

In tonight's episode, the designers are taken to meet Diane von Furstenberg, who as far as Kenley is concerned, is Jesus. She cries at the mere sight of the Stylish One. She can afford to be a bit unfocused, as the challenge is to make a garment that reflects the old Hollywood style of a Marlene Dietrich movie which takes place in Berlin and Shanghai. This challenge may as well be called Knock Me Out of the Park, Kenley. The winning design will be sold, which charges everyone up. Nothing very noteworthy happens during shopping and construction, so it's on to the runway show.

Leanne, who has come out of nowhere, makes a beautiful dark blue dress, and vastly improves the layered jacket, which looked bulky and dumpy during construction. The other favorite is Korto, who slips a peek of banana yellow beneath a black and white dress, which looks lovely. That's really it for the good ones, but there has to be a top three, so the judges pretend that Kenley's simple dress is awesome. Eh. It's well made, but that floral print was probably stolen off some grandma's sofa. Leanne takes her second challenge in a row, which is fairly rare. Other designers are fair to middling, but never fear. There's always some truly awful design to tear apart. Joe makes an ill-fitting garment that includes metallic hot pink. What, you don't remember all the metallic hot pink from those '40s movies? When Jerell is on, he's on, but when he's off, it's hard to beat his sheer crapitude. He just can't stay away from those goofy hats.

Tiffany: "Didn't she deliver the telegram in Clue?"

Blayne once again brings the tacky-licious by making some weird-ass jodhpurs. Stella creates a collar that aims for exotic sophisticate, but as Diane points out, looks kind of vampiric instead. In the end, Joe, Stella, and Suede's faux-camouflage wind up in the bottom three. Odd. I'm no Suede fan, but Jerell's was so much worse. Stella gets the boot, which kind of sucks. Not that she blows me away as a designer, but wouldn't it have been fun to see what a thirteen-piece leather collection would look like?

Overall Grade: B+