I Wonder If They Like Blondes in New Zealand?

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 4

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams set out for La Paz, Bolivia. Christy managed to turn a trivial misunderstanding into an epic enmity. That probably happens to her a lot. While she and Kelly flailed at the Detour, as is their wont, Nick and Starr tried to wheedle Aja and Ty into spending their only U-Turn for the siblings' benefit. Though it would have been nice if someone had U-Turned the ditzy divorcees, it was not to be. Ken and Tina held on to their lead, while Mark's trouble at the Roadblock was compounded by a time penalty brought on by the Geeks' misreading of their clue. That left plenty of time for Kelly and Christy to catch up, getting the Geeks eliminated. Suck. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Bonding activities with my sister do not include cheerleader dances in the park.

La Paz, Bolivia. Phil explains that it's the world's highest capital. It's pretty densely packed with buildings, too. Let's hope a bad fire never breaks out there. In what is fast becoming this season's theme, there is yet more pitstop drama. It's all secondhand, of course, and entirely pointless. Christy confronted Starr with the siblings' plan to get them U-Turned. Starr says she talked to Christy to "see if I could mend anything," though I'm having trouble picturing how that conversation would go. Christy snots that she informed Nick and Starr that they SO weren't welcome to sit at her and Kelly's lunch table anymore, because she's been the epitome of grace and civility up until now. Zzzzz.

Ken and Tina are first off the mat at 12:33 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to Auckland, New Zealand, which they're both thrilled about. Phil tells us that when teams get to Auckland, they must drive themselves to Gulf Harbour. As always, I'm curious about the laws concerning driving in foreign countries, especially ones where the cars are on the other side of the road. Is an American driver's license valid in New Zealand? Once at the harbor, teams must find and untie a Gordian knot, which contains the next clue. And no fair pulling an Alexander and slicing right through it. Ken and Tina are still extremely pleased with the way their relationship has been mending, and there's still no mention of the convenient fact that their relationship got better just as they ensconced themselves in the lead.

Toni and Dallas leave at 12:59 AM. Dallas says that Toni's beginning to look at him as more of an adult. Much more adult than when he took that naked picture. Sorry, sorry. I'll stop tittering about that at some point. He and Toni pack up the trunk of their cab, then hop in the backseat without anyone closing it. Weird. Ken says that obviously, the airport's going to be mostly closed when they arrive, but hopes that he and Tina can find internet access somewhere. They do, and find what they think is the fastest way to Auckland. The next knot of teams leaves one right after the other: Terence and Sarah at 1:04 AM, the IBs at 1:05 AM, Aja and Ty at 1:06 AM, Nick and Starr at 1:07 AM, and the Fratties at 1:08 AM.

The teams must have been asked about how the relationship with their partners has been progressing. Sarah says she and Terence are "adjusting to each other's styles". In other words, she's willing to submit to his colossal neediness. IB#4 is confident in their chances, because they managed to finish above second-to-last for one entire leg. We get the titular quote, and I'm forced to ponder how their hair was perceived in La Paz. Not much blond going on there. Aja says that she and Ty are looking for that line between pushing each other in the race, but not hurting each other's feelings. I'll bet it's tough, especially for people who date long distance. Nick and Starr relate to each other as adults and "don't take anything personal" on the race. In other words, Christy should feel free to be as snatchy as she likes. Dan complains that his desire reads as frustration. Aw, ya think? Just because you whine about each and every task?

Taxis pass each other. It doesn't matter in the slightest, but the music would like you to be excited. How can you let the music down, you ingrate? Kelly and Christy leave last at 1:20 AM. In case you hadn't heard, they don't like Nick and Starr. It's like their pointless disgust has replaced their pointless divorces, in that they (or the show, rather) pick a single topic, and aren't allowed to discuss anything else. Teams begin arriving at the airport. Tina moans "Oh, crap", continuing the tradition of an attitude I'm persistently bemused by: that you'll manage to shake off trailing teams at airports. Where else does she think they'd go? Did she think she'd find a flight that took off in the twenty-six minutes she left ahead of the second-place team? It's so odd!

The next few minutes do their best to be entertaining, with the faux-bond between the Fratties and IBs, and Kelly/Christy acting like they're devious by piggybacking on others' flight research, and Aja/Ty fighting over whether they should keep researching or just accept that there's only one viable flight. It doesn't work. There's one flight, and everyone gets on it. There are more befuddling comments from Ken about how disappointing it is to lose their half-hour lead at the airport. Sorry that flights from La Paz to Auckland don't leave every five minutes, chief. Seriously, have any of these people set foot in an airport before?

Once in Auckland, teams dash out to find the marked cars. Last to the cars are the IBs. So they're "Currently in Last Place", but I'm sure they'll be able to pass another team at some point tonight. Terence tells Sarah to rub his head while he drives. I am agog to understand what she finds fulfilling about dating someone so damn clingy. People drive. Nick and Starr stop for directions. Dallas finds himself driving on the wrong side of the road. Good thing it's the middle of the night. The IBs stop for directions, and after giving them, the gas station attendant tells them they can't get lost. Why not just slash their tires while you're at it, Fate-tempter?

Sarah gives Terence clear directions to the harbour, and he ignores her to go another way. Once he realizes that other teams have stopped following and turned off, he asks Sarah what she would like him to do. She does not answer "Maybe try listening to me for three fucking seconds," for which she deserves a cookie. She tells him to turn around without an atom of malice, even as he whines that two teams have passed them now. I know there's no way to get the complete picture of a relationship on television, especially "reality" television, but I have such a depressing picture of their future together. Just as Aja tells Ty he's doing a good job with the driving, he runs up on the curb and shreds the tire. He's never dealt with a flat before, and he and Aja go right back to being snippy with each other. Aja tries to flag down passing motorists for help.

Commercials. If John McCain is serious about finding sources of alternative energy, why don't we just hook up some generators to his eyelids? Never have I seen such a blinker.

A kind-hearted local stops to help Ty and Aja with their tire. That was above and beyond mere civic duty, so hats off to him. Ken/Tina/Fratties/Terence/Sarah arrive at the harbor, and get going on the knot. As with most of the other tasks so far this season, it's way too easy. This is like watching high school week on Jeopardy! The Fratties and Ken/Tina finish their knots at about the same time. Sadly, no "Rrrrrrrip!" accompanies this clue. It tells the teams to drive themselves to the summit of Mount Eden, which is ridiculously beautiful. Phil explains that it's one of Auckland's famed dormant volcanoes. The next clue will be at the tippy top. Also included in the clue is one of the race's two Fast Forwards, which will allow the team that claims it to skip all remaining tasks and go straight to the pitstop. My issues with having only two Fast Forwards are well-documented, so let's just move on. In this Fast Forward, teams go to the tallest structure in the Southern Hemisphere, the Auckland Skytower. There, they must climb to the top using the maintenance staff's ladders and pick up "a friend". Both lead teams decide to go for it.

Terence and Sarah finish their knot, and have no interest in the Fast Forward. As they leave, Kelly and Christy drive in. They finish quickly and with no problems, and when that happens to Kelly and Christy, you know a task is super-easy. Toni and Dallas go in, untie, and go out. Zzzzz. Nick and Starr arrive. Meanwhile, Ken and Tina easily beat the Fratties to the Fast Forward. The Fratties spot Ken and Tina's car, and immediately beat feet to head for Mount Eden. Aja and Ty arrive at the knots as Nick and Starr finish up. Ken and Tina get suited up for their climb. To save you some time and patience, let's dispense with the entire task right now, though it's strung out farther than pizza cheese. Tina has a fear of heights. She climbs anyway. The end. Can you tell I'm not feeling this episode? Aja and Ty are convinced they're last, but the IBs are still driving around, apparently taking a route from the gas station to the harbor that includes, say, Oslo.

Terence and Sarah reach the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! I'm obliged to lighten up a bit, because the task is rather cool, like last week's Roadblock. In this one, the chosen team member selects a design from the cluebox and matches it to a "tattoo" (it's probably face paint, but I'm willing to pretend in the interest of cultural education) on a Maori warrior's face. A large group of warriors stands nearby, beating their chests and bugging their eyes out. If the team member offers a design to a man who doesn't match the image, he'll take it away, and they must start again. When they match correctly, the warrior will hand over the next clue. Terence takes on the task. The warriors stick out their tongues and scream a lot. It's a lot cooler than I'm making it sound. Terence hands over a design I could tell from a two-second flash didn't match. The warrior takes it and runs off. Heh.

Aja and Ty finish their knot. Terence's second choice is a match. The warrior presses his face to Terence's in a sort of Eskimo kiss before handing over the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now drive into downtown Auckland and find the City Life Hotel. The next clue awaits on the rooftop. Kelly and Christy decide to stop their car and just walk to the top of Mount Eden. Why? Um...you got me. Maybe for the same reason they thought one of their clues would be randomly buried under a patch of sand. Toni and Dallas arrive at the Roadblock, where Toni takes it on. The sun is just beginning to rise. Kelly and Christy walk. Toni hands over her design, and is pulled in for the Eskimo kiss. Ding, ding, ding! She and Dallas get the City Life Hotel clue.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Terence arrive there. Rrrrrrrip! The next clue is one of those unfortunate product-placement tasks, but happily, the task is a lot better than the crappy ones we've seen before. Still, product-placement tasks, as a matter of principle, must be glossed over. In this one, teams use a pair of binoculars to spot a certain company's mascot. When they spot one, they have to go find the actual mascot and look on the underside for the next clue. Now that the sun is firmly in the sky, the IBs finally arrive at the harbour. Jesus, where have they been? They are "Currently in Last Place", and do not help their cause by strolling right past the last remaining knot.

Commercials. Jessica Simpson doesn't want you to do anything she wouldn't do. I guess I'm not allowed to complete any more crossword puzzles.

The IBs locate their knot and try to loosen it, though you can tell their hearts aren't in it. The Fratties pass by Kelly and Christy and ask them why they're not driving. "We decided to walk!" one cheerfully responds, because the actual answer of "We're stupid!" would be too difficult to admit. The Fratties are like "Whatever, morons" and drive on. The IBs finish their knot. Andrew takes the Roadblock, and when Kelly/Christy finally finish their stroll, Christy takes it. Dan -- surprise! -- whines that Andrew is walking amongst the warriors too slowly, because the best way to approach a concentration task is to throw yourself in hysterically. Christy matches her warrior almost instantly. She and Kelly book it out of there, but it's a long walk back to the car. Andrew matches his warrior, and actually loses a bit of time because he's unwilling to be pulled in for his Eskimo kiss.

Terence and Sarah spot their mascot and leave, just as Toni and Dallas arrive. Toni soon spots her mascot. Meanwhile, Ken and Tina have finished their Fast Forward (the "friend" is yet another mascot) and are directed to take a helicopter ride to the next pitstop, Summerhill. It appears to be a sheep farm. According to the editing, Terence/Sarah/Toni/Dallas reach the mascot at about the same time. The clue on the bottom directs them to Kiwi 360 (it's actually 360 degrees, but Blogger's not good about accents, degree marks, etc.). The place is marked with a gigantic representation of a kiwi slice, so it shouldn't be too hard to spot. Nick and Starr arrive at the Detour, where Starr takes it. Her first offer isn't a match, and she chases the warrior for a couple of seconds when he takes off. Hehe. Rain has started to fall. Thanks to Kelly and Christy's walk back to the car, the Fratties are next to the City Life Hotel, where Andrew spots his mascot almost immediately. They pass Kelly and Christy as they leave the hotel. The rain has led to a gorgeous rainbow on top of Mount Eden, but Starr doesn't have time to take it in. Her second guess is a match.

Aja and Ty arrive at the Roadblock. Aja takes it on. The Fratties find their mascot. Nick and Starr catch up to Kelly and Christy on the hotel roof. Nick quickly spots a mascot, and he and Starr happily leave Kelly and Christy in the dust. Aja's guess is a match, so they're off to the hotel. Ken and Tina's helicopter flight takes them by the rainbow. Their relationship is still getting better. And they're still in first place. What a coincidence! The IBs arrive at the Roadblock. They are "Currently in Last Place". IB#4 takes the Roadblock, and has trouble getting a design because she's scared of the yelling warrior who stands guard over the cluebox. Heh. Nick and Starr pick up their mascot, and head for Kiwi 360. Kelly and Christy spot a mascot. IB#4 makes a match, and her warrior gives her an actual kiss instead of just a face touch. Naughty! Aja and Ty begin their hunt for the mascot. Kelly and Christy pick up theirs. Ty spots one.

Ken and Tina arrive at the pitstop, which is just as lovely as the other parts of Auckland we've seen tonight. They're greeted by Phil, a bunch of sheep, and the greeter, who happens to be Phil's dad. Okay, this leg has kind of sucked, but that's awesome. The boring restructuring of the Fast Forwards has led Ken and Tina to another boring first-place finish, and they win a week-long trip to Rio during Carnaval. That sounds like all sorts of fun. Aja and Ty pick up their mascot, and head for Kiwi 360. The IBs begin their hunt for the mascot. They are "Currently in Last Place". Terence and Sarah arrive at Kiwi 360. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! In this Detour, teams must choose between A Matter of Time or A Matter of Skill. In A Matter of Time, teams drive to a kiwi orchard, and use their bare feet to stomp on kiwis until they've collected 3 gallons of juice. Once they've done that, each team member has to drink a full glass of the juice before they receive the next clue. In A Matter of Skill, teams drives themselves to a blo-kart track. Once there, they'll assemble two blo-karts and complete three laps on the track. Once that's accomplished, they'll get the next clue.

Both Terence/Sarah and Toni/Dallas opt for what sounds like the easier choice, and head for A Matter of Time. They are soon at the orchard, where Sarah gives another pig squeal that I wish she would knock the fuck off. They soon discover that the buckets of kiwi are lined with rocks and that the kiwis themselves are no picnic to squash. Toni and Dallas arrive and get started. Terence contributes his first smart idea of the race, and suggests that Sarah find the spout to make sure it's not clogged with blobs of kiwi. It works out well, and they've soon got a steady flow of juice going. Dallas discovers the pain of kiwi-stomping. The IBs spot their mascot. The Fratties arrive at the Detour, and choose the kiwis. Terence and Sarah are still trucking on said kiwis, but Dallas and Toni aren't having much luck. I don't think they've been at it long enough to produce much liquid. The IBs pick up their mascot. When Terence and Sarah finish stomping and start drinking, Dallas decides that he and Toni would be better off switching Detours. Terence and Sarah leave for the pitstop. Toni and Dallas meet the Fratties coming in as they leave, and Toni tells them that kiwi-stomping is "so much fun". Hehe.

Nick and Starr arrive at the Detour clue and also choose the kiwis, as do Kelly and Christy. That task did sound deceptively easy. Nick/Starr/Fratties soon find that it is not so, and rue their aching feet. Terence and Sarah check in as team number two in great moods. Toni and Dallas arrive at the blo-kart track and start assembling. Dan -- surprise! -- whines that the kiwi task is "ridiculous". Both the Fratties and Nick/Starr soon decide to ditch for the blo-karts. Dan's pants are covered in kiwi pulp. Kelly and Christy arrive, and are the only team to enjoy the kiwi-stomping. That works in their favor, as the key to the task seems to be having enough patience to get all the kiwis smashed up, which leads to the juice flowing at a much faster rate. Dallas and Toni begin their three laps around the track. Dallas has no problems, and after some initial issues with controlling the sail, Toni picks it up as well.

The Fratties/Nick/Starr work on assembling their blo-karts, wondering why Kelly and Christy are still wasting their time over at the kiwis. Well, it's because Kelly and Christy have found their niche. They may not be able to read clues well. They may have the social graces of a yeti. But if there's one thing Kelly and Christy kick ass at, it's fruit-stomping. They tear through the task, and are soon on their way to the pitstop. Dallas and Toni finish their laps, and head for the pitstop also. Aja and Ty neatly fall into the same trap as the other teams, and head for the kiwis. Dan -- surprise! -- whines about assembling the blo-karts. One of the staff members at the track is giving safety instructions to Nick and Starr, including a very important one about not putting your arms out in front of you to stop a fall. They get started on their laps, and the wind soon flips Starr onto her side. Aja and Ty arrive at the kiwis, and decide it couldn't be a better time to start bickering again.

The IBs arrive, "Currently in Last Place". They naturally head for the kiwis. Kelly and Christy check in as team three. Yeesh. That Detour switch sure cost those other teams. Dan carps at Andrew, who's doing all the assembly work. Andrew politely tells him to shut his trap. Another gust of wind tips Starr again, and she puts her arms out squarely in front of her. Turns out the safety instructor didn't warn against that just for kicks, and Starr hurts herself, saying she thinks she broke her arm. Dun dun dun!

Commercials. Are little faces drawn on hands really that effective a pitch? Really?

Starr cries and cradles her arm, but is determined to finish the laps. Hear that, Lance and Marshall? Kellie and Jamie? No? Too busy off being quitters somewhere? Andrew keeps assembling. Toni and Dallas check in as team four. Nick and Starr finish their laps. They tear the pitstop clue. Nick seems strangely uncaring about Starr's pain. I knew he was cold, but damn. I'm not sure why, but she's the designated driver. How about a team member who isn't currently one limb short and bleeding on the seats taking the wheel? The Fratties start their laps. Aja and Ty aren't making much progress on the kiwis. The IBs are still driving. Nick and Starr decide to switch places. Good call, nimrods. Aja dejectedly suggests switching to the other Detour. She and Ty clearly think they're in dead last. The Fratties complete their laps. Andrew feels good, because Dan finally realizes that Andrew contributes to the team. Anything that will lead to less whining is fine by me.

Nick and Starr check in as team five. Starr's in a lot of pain, but happy to still be in the race. Aja and Ty arrive at the blo-kart track, and make quick progress on the assembly. The sun is starting to set. This has been a long leg; they must be exhausted. The Fratties check in as team six, and are thrilled. They must not have realized how far behind Aja/Ty/IBs fell, and are relieved. That's the only way I can explain their joy, because six out of eight? Not very stellar. The IBs arrive at the kiwis, and twilight is in full swing. Yeah, there's only so much editing you can do to make things suspenseful, because the sun is still up where Ty and Aja are assembling their blo-karts. So we cut back and forth between the two lagging teams, and though Aja and Ty have assembly problems and the juice flows freely for the IBs, there's no making up this huge time lag. Both teams complete their Detours. Both teams try to think positively. A team approaches the mat, and it's obviously Aja and Ty. They think they're toast, and upon hearing that they're team seven, Aja dedicates her not being quite as crappy as one other team up to God. I'm sure he's grateful.

LabRat: "Oh, ew. I'm ready for them to go."

The IBs jog up to the mat. No more horrible teams to absorb your mistakes anymore, ladies. They are last, and they are eliminated. They say nice things about being glad they made it this far, and about their friendship. Are they nice people? Are they jerks? Are they stupid? Are they bright, but just got unlucky? Who knows? Never has a team gotten this far in the race without making a single impression on me. I guess that's why they're called the Interchangeable Blonds. Don't be too sad, IBs. You'll be back next season. You or some of your doppelgangers. It never seems to make much of a difference.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Terence and Sarah get pulled over by the cops. Kelly and Christy continue their quest to be obnoxious twats on every continent.

Overall Grade: C-