Bees Are Much Calmer Than All This!

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 1

Previously on The Amazing Race: An amazing race! An unprecedented all-likable final three led to even more good news, as winners TK and Rachel put the final nail in the I-act-like-an-asshole-because-I'm-competitive-and-need-to-be-like-this-to-win coffin by failing to lose their tempers a single time. Now, eleven fresh teams are set to dash for another million dollars. Who will win the day? Will a million dollars even be worth three Canadian ones by the time the season is over?

Phil welcomes us from Los Angeles, California. Again. The teams make their way to the starting line in classic cars. Again. Feh. I really wish they'd start and end the race in a different American city each season. Nothing against LA or New York, but enough already. This is a show about seeing other places. Anyhow, the teams make their way to the Los Angeles Coliseum, the only stadium on Earth to host two Olympics. As usual, each team is made up of two people with a pre-existing relationship, though it might be fun someday to see a team of complete strangers. Really to get reaquainted? I thought you might be!

Toni and Dallas are a mother and son from Northern California. Toni is a single mom, and is proud of the person Dallas has become. She ought to be proud of the way he slings cheese, because the square he throws in the next shot lands in perfect position on the bread. In a horrible development, they both seem like perfectly lovely people with a functional relationship, so there's nothing to make fun of. Darn.

Nick and Starr are a brother and sister who claim to come from New York and Texas, but were clearly bred in a sinister laboratory dedicated to spawning eerily telegenic people. They claim to go after everything they want with no holds barred, and usually get it. It's a bit tough to take seriously, as this vow is made over a shot of them doing a cheesy cheerleader dance. Beware the spirit fingers, other teams!

Ken and Tina already look fed up with each other, and they're not even to the starting line yet. Oh, and they're from Tampa, Florida. Ken used to play professional football, but the pigskins weren't the only balls in play. They're separated because Ken was unfaithful, and Tina says that by the race's end, they'll know if the marriage is worth saving. Because like countless other fighting couples that have appeared on this show, troubled relationships can always be saved by adding incalculable stress and lack of sleep.

Aja and Ty are dating long-distance, though we never hear where either of them is tele-dating from. Aja thinks the long-distance thing helps them as a couple, because neither of them takes the time they spend together for granted. Ty says that Aja is the sweetest girl in the world, and is convinced they're made for each other. Well, that's nice. I remain unconvinced that long-distance dating works, but if it'll help them out, I'm knocking on wood right now.

Marisa and Brooke are blond and wearing all pink, so you already know everything about them that you need to. This is not a criticism of blonds or pink-loving women out in the real world. On this show, however, it's a handy code that tells me they may as well be wearing T-shirts that read "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!" on the front and "Cannon" and "Fodder" on their backs. They're weirdly referred to as "Southern Belles", as if that were a profession. What do they do all day? Sit on their verandas drinking mint juleps, holding lace parasols and complaining of the vapors?

Andrew and Dan are fraternity brothers from Phoenix, Arizona. As they ogle bikini-clad women for their intro shot, one of them voices-over that to them, six-packs refer to something in a cooler, not on their stomachs. Well, the audience isn't blind, but thanks for the tip.

Anthony and Stephanie are from Los Angeles, and have been dating for four years. She wants to get married and he doesn't, so she's using the race as an ultimatum. Or he's using it as a stalling tactic. Or they're both using it as a ridiculous test of their love. Or something. I honestly don't know what their deal is, and can't imagine caring.

Anita and Arthur are zany-ass, married beekeepers from Oregon. The shot of their bees makes shivers go down my spine. I'm petrified of bees. They claim to have the experience and strength needed to get through the race, but they look like they'd rather be knocking back on their porch with a drink.

Kelly and Christy are defined by their defunct marriages. Again, that's the show's judgement, not mine. Can you imagine a team of men whose sole characteristic is that they used to be in bad relationships? I don't know enough about these two to like or dislike them, but I do feel bad that they're not allowed to be actual people.

Terence and Sarah are newly dating, from New York City. In a blurb you'll want to remember, Sarah refers to Terence as the most "quintessential free spirit" she's ever met. She works on Wall Street, so let's hope when she goes home, there's still a job waiting for her. Terence is a running coach. There's a shot of him walking her to her office and handing over a brown sack lunch, which I'm sure really happens in their daily lives. Provided they live solely on television.

Mark and Bill are best friends from San Diego, and like Lori and Dave, seem to have their own geek music, though it's nothing so charming as the Happy Tootling Nerd Music. Mark and Bill are proud, role-playing, comic-book-reading, video-game-addicted geeks. They don't have any self-image problems because of this, which is nice. We truly are in the Age of Dorkdom.

Phil wonders who will make it through the stress of a 33,000-mile trip. I have a few guesses as to who won't. I'll hold off on predictions, though, as I can only eat so much crow per season. Phil also ponders who will have the necessary brains, brawn, and teamwork over shots of Terence/Sarah, Andrew/Dan, and Kelly/Christy, so let me just go ahead and get a Nelsonesque "Ha-Ha!" out of the way. The teams line up, and Phil gives the standard opening speech, including the fact that eight of the eleven legs are elimination points. When he gives the word, the teams may run up the stadium stairs to grab the clues atop their luggage, then take one of the cars provided. The cars are Mercedes. I doubt I'd want to entrust one of those to a reality show contestant that's in a big hurry. Kender notes that Phil seems to have lost a lot of weight, and he wasn't even heavy before. He gives the on-your-mark, and Toni gives Dallas a quick peck on the cheek. Aw. And...GO!

The teams run up the stairs, and to the surprise of viewers under three everywhere, Anita and Arthur quickly fall behind. The young bucks reach the clue first, and finally produce the wonderful sound I've been waiting for: Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to catch one of two flights to Salvador, Brazil. There's the early American Airlines flight, and a later United flight, so assuming that the passengers have enough cash to bribe the airline staff into letting them board, have luggage, eat anything, pee, land, and claim the luggage, American's the way to go. Nick and Starr are first out of the parking lot, followed by Terence and Sarah. After the Frats drive out, Toni and Dallas try to settle into the fact that they're actually racing. Yep. Now get your asses to Brazil. They sing us into the...

Opening credits. At the rainbow's end lies Kelly and Christy, dressed in outfits ripped directly from the scene where Romy and Michelle pretend to be high-powered businesswomen. Isn't that an underrated movie, by the way? "Is that an earthquake? No, it is Rrrrrrrrrrramon!"

What? Oh, the show. Fine, if you want, we'll focus on the tense drama of getting to the airport. Nick and Starr hop on the highway, but Terence whips out his esoteric knowledge of Los Angeles traffic: It tends to be bad. He and Sarah stick to side-streets. Also bringing the genius-material leaps of logic is Dan, who majored in tourism management (snerk), and thus worked in the airline industry. He's sure that the flight that leaves earlier, lands earlier, and has a stop-over in a city closer to Brazil is the one they should check out first. Good thing he majored in tourism management (snerk). Nobody else will be able to figure that out. Meanwhile, Tina is telling Ken not to let anybody pass him. She awkwardly segues into an interview about how she's forgiven Ken for cheating on her, but will make sure to remind him every day for the rest of his life how badly he screwed up. That's not what she says, of course, but it's the gist. We're going to need to have a talk about Tina's eyebrows at some point, but I'm sure there will be ample opportunity later. Arthur warns us and the other teams that he and Anita may look like old hippies, but they're really very competitive. I'll believe it when I see it.

Teams zoom along the highway. A disembodied voice in Terence's head questions his use of side-streets. Ken and Tina pass Toni/Dallas and Andrew/Dan. Meanwhile, Aja realizes that Aja + Ty + cameraman + sound guy = free use of the carpool lane. Smart lady. As Ken and Tina catch up to Nick and Starr, Starr interviews that she and Nick aren't as well-traveled as some of the older teams, and they hope to be "adopted" by an older team, like Ken and Tina (or "Mom and Dad"). The fact that they've glommed onto the separated couple whose relationship is marred by infidelity as their parent figures of choice is a psychotherapist's dream come true. Ken and Tina pass by, and are in first place for about three seconds before Aja and Ty's use of the carpool lane vaults them up. St. Louis is not alone in atrocious airport signage, as the park-and-ride lot the teams want is not in the same place that the giant "Departing Flights" sign directs them to. Aja/Ty and Ken/Tina catch the snap (Heh, see what I did there? With Ken...catching the snap? Oh, never mind), but Nick/Starr veer off in the wrong direction. Andrew and Dan, those masters of the travel industry, don't even attempt to find the place themselves, and just decide to follow Nick and Starr.

A bunch of teams arrive at the shuttle stop. Aja and Ty are first inside the airport, and though Aja knows to look for the red and yellow marking flag, they don't see one. Instead of looking for it, they just hop into the wrong line. Tsk. More teams run into the airport. Kelly and Christy are referred to as "Divorcees" instead of "Friends". Seriously, with the double standard. I guess it's not as ridiculous as "Southern Belles". Mark and Bill arrive and refuse to get into a line that doesn't have the marking flag. Their insistence to find the right line spreads panic to the other teams, and soon everyone's dashing around like chickens with their heads cut off. They soon find the right line, and Mark and Bill ascertain that they're the first ones there.

More teams arrive and can't find the correct line. Terence and Sarah figure it out, so they're third on the American flight, behind Ken and Tina. Ty is told he's in the wrong place, which sets off a chain reaction of teams fleeing to the correct American counter. Introductions are made. Dan tries to make himself feel better about standing around like a doofus in the wrong line by smarming that it's possible or even probable that the American flight will be delayed, which is 1) True and 2) An Obvious Case of Sour Grapes. The other teams are like "Yeah, and I guess we could also be attacked by radioactive moths. What's your point?" Dan brings up his extensive experience in the travel industry, because casual travelers are completely unfamiliar with the concept of delayed flights. Nick scores a point by muttering "He hasn't worked in customer relations" to Starr. Hehe! He and Starr are the fourth on the American flight, and Aja/Ty are fifth. Ty learns that his flight should arrive three hours ahead of the United one. Kelly and Christy make it on sixth, and though Dan takes heart in the fact that everyone seems to be getting tickets, he and Andrew are denied. Flight full! No American Airlines for you! Dan crumples in despair.

Commercials. I tend to anthropomorphize everything from my pet newt to the days of the week, but even I don't need to ascribe a personality to mucus.

The trailing teams trudge off to United. Nick and Starr bond with Ken and Tina, and the four of them agree to a loose alliance. Will they be as powerful as the Underdogs? Will they be as dull-witted? Phil catches us up on who's on the lead flight (Mark/Bill, Ken/Tina, Nick/Starr, Terence/Sarah, Aja/Ty, and Kelly/Christy) and who's on the trailing United flight (everyone else). He also says that when the teams land, they must take a taxi to O Rei Do Pernil, which is not a Latin choral mass, as you'd expect. It's a sandwich shop. The next clue will be there. The American flight does indeed get delayed in Rio de Janeiro, but not so much that their lead is completely blown. They get into Salvador about an hour and a half before the United flight, and the lead teams quickly grab taxis. Tina crabs at Ken because he's the one who's supposed to know Spanish. Well, that'll come in handy if you ever go to a Spanish-speaking country, ya twit.

Mark and Bill are first to the sandwich shop, and pick up the next clue from some very bored-looking clue wranglers. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them that they'll become an old-school style barista, except not at all, because baristas actually sell things. In this task, the team has to roll a cart loaded with drinks and snacks across the bumpy street to a plaza called Praca da Se. Once they deliver their carts to another clue wrangler, they'll recieve the next clue. Mark and Bill do not get off to an auspicious start, as they knock a bunch of snacks to the ground. They puzzle over their wobbly cargo for a moment before coming up with the idea to drape a jacket over the food to keep it steadier. Go geek think! They progress much more quickly after that. Kelly and Christy remind us that they've been through bad divorces, because apparently, that's all anyone can find to say about them. Consider the theme understood. Terence and Sarah start the cart task, and he immediately starts to snipe passive-aggressively at her. She overlooks his tone and tries to direct the cart.

Nick/Starr and Ken/Tina arrive together and get started. Terence whines some more. This may be the fastest I've ever gotten tired of a contestant, ever. Carts are wheeled. Snacks are spilled. It turns out that in order to reach the plaza, the carts must be loaded onto a funicular. Terence and Sarah catch up to Mark and Bill right before it leaves. After a quick pause in which Ken promises to prove on a daily basis that he's worthy of Tina's love, Aja and Ty get started on the cart task. Terence/Sarah/Mark/Bill unload, and it's a simple matter to find the clue wrangler. He checks to make sure they've got all their cargo before handing over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to a nearby military base, where they'll spend the night. They sign in when they arrive for one of three departure times the next morning: 9 AM, 9:30 AM, and 9:45 AM. Nick and Starr hop on the funicular, but Ken and Tina spill some snacks at a most inopportune moment, and miss the car. Terence and Sarah are first to arrive at the military base, and Sarah gives the guard there a double kiss. I'm sure he doesn't get much of that on base. Well, at least not on camera.

Ken and Tina turn in their snacks. Mark and Bill hit some bad traffic, so Nick and Starr beat them to the military base. Aja and Ty turn in their snacks. Mark and Bill reach the base and score a 9 AM departure. Kelly and Christy arrive at the wrong sandwich shop. They're still divorced.

The United flight lands on time, and taxis are flagged. The trailing teams are understandably a bit frantic, and Anita gives us the titular quote. One of the Belles, who are shaping up to be IB#3 and IB#4, mutters that it's difficult to deal with an unfamiliar airport, especially in a foreign country. Good thing they're not on some sort of international race, then. Kelly and Christy finally find the right sandwich shop, followed by Andrew and Dan. Ken and Tina snag the last 9 AM departure time at the military base. Toni and Dallas hit the same mysterious traffic jam that's only affecting certain teams, so Arthur and Anita reach the sandwich shop in eighth place. Aja and Ty get to the military base, but have to settle for a 9:30 AM departure time. Kelly and Christy jump on the funicular, as Toni/Dallas, Marisa/Brooke, and Anthony/Stephanie reach the sandwich shop. Kelly/Christy get their military base clue, and Andrew/Dan get on the funicular. So everything's progressing normally. The show agrees, as there's no more footage of cart wheeling. Or cartwheeling, for that matter. Kelly/Christy and Andrew/Dan get the last 9:30 AM departure times.

Commercials. Oh, my God. Shut up, Emeril.

Evening. Starr flirts with Dallas, because he's taken his shirt off, and is hot. She says she doesn't really expect "sparks or flames", but allows for the possibility. Terence complains -- one wonders if he has any other mode -- that Sarah had the temerity to socialize with other teams instead of looking after his needs. Because he's four. If someone so obviously clingy and insecure is "the most quintessential free spirit" Sarah has ever met, she needs to get out of the house more often.

9 AM. Terence/Sarah/Nick/Starr/Mark/Bill/Ken/Tina get the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to an area known as Pelourinho, the historic center of Salvador. It's pretty in a Princess Diaries Genovia kind of way. Once there, teams must find a specific church, where the next clue awaits. Terence and Sarah run out to find a cab, and when they don't find one instantly, are soon joined by other teams, causing Sarah to complain that they "just lost all [their] lead". Um, the three second lead? Yeah, too bad about that. Nick and Starr's driver doesn't understand a word they're saying. Ken blows a flimsy whistle to try and flag a cab down. Mark and Bill convey "We're in a race" to their driver, and Nick and Starr somehow tell their driver to follow them.

Sarah, not content to let Terence (and I had to erase "Peter" to write "Terence", because the unfortunate parallels are already starting to emerge) hog all the immature whining time, complains that Nick and Starr wouldn't have a nice casual chat with her in the middle of the taxi-finding swarm. OK, you're not relaxing at the military base anymore, Sarah. Now is race time. Be good and you can have a cookie with your juice. Terence smarms that Sarah wants people to like her, but...sing it if you know it! He's not here to make friends. Well, no worries on that front, ass. The 9:30 AM chunk of teams leave the military base. Apparently, it takes fifteen minutes to find a taxi out of there, because here come the 9:45 AM teams as well.

As Terence and Sarah arrive at the church, he -- SURPRISE! -- whines that she's running too fast. No, really. The running coach complains that his office worker girlfriend is setting an unreasonable pace. Man, it's a shame he's not here to make friends, because he's shaping up to be such a gem. They run right past the cluebox, which in fairness, is sort of tucked away in a corner. This allows Mark/Bill and Nick/Starr to catch up, so all three teams reach the clue at the same time. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Hard Way Up or Soft Way Down. Phil assumes you know that a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In Hard Way Up, teams have to ascend a staircase on their hands and knees while a drumline rocks out at the top. Once they reach the top, the team will be asked a mystery question. If they answer incorrectly, they have to walk back around to the bottom of the stairs and try again. In Soft Way Down, teams make their way to an outdoor elevator, ascend, and climb down a 240-foot cargo net back to the bottom. That's it? That sounds much faster.

Terence/Sarah and Nick/Starr easily decide on Soft Way Down and take off, Sarah still bitching about how much she hates Nick and Starr for not being her BFFs while they were looking for a taxi, and did you hear that they totally passed notes to Diana Carter in sixth period about how Sarah stuffs her bra?!? OMG! Mark and Bill dither over their Detour choice, which allows Ken and Tina to catch up. Everyone picks Soft Way Down. Terence/Sarah/Nick/Starr reach the elevator, but Nick slows down to read the clue, which tells them to enter via the marked entrance. The marking flag is just as much a problem now as it was at the Los Angeles airport, as Terence and Sarah hop on the wrong elevator. Nick and Starr hunt down the correct one, and reach the cargo net in first place. Terence and Sarah wander around, so Ken and Tina are next to the net. Mark and Bill arrive. Nick and Starr climb. Ken and Tina get strapped into their safety gear. Mark and Bill begin their climb. Terence and Sarah figure out where to go. Darn. It would have been fun to watch them walk in circles for the rest of the hour.

Nick and Starr reach the bottom, and get the final clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to make their way to the pitstop, the Forte Sao Marcelo, which is out in the water, and once protected the city from pirates. Last team here gets no booty. Not the treasure kind, anyway. Terence and Sarah begin their climb. Starr wants to look for a taxi, but Nick says they may not even need one. He's a lot smarter than I gave him credit for. Ken and Tina finish the climb and get a taxi, while Nick and Starr learn that indeed, the fort is right there in front of them. Ken and Tina's driver tells them the same thing, but that momentary pause gives Nick and Starr the edge they need to grab the first boat over. Terence and Sarah pass Mark and Bill on the net. Terence makes sure to wedge in some more whining about how she shouldn't talk and climb at the same time. He's allowed to, of course, but not her. Does he have an off switch, by chance?

Nick and Starr disembark, and run up to the mat. The greeter is a little kid that juggles. Hmm. I fail to see the connection to the leg, but okay. Phil tells them that they're team number one, and they celebrate. They win a trip to Belize, which sounds awesome. Phil asks what makes them such a strong team, and Nick answers that it's the push-and-pull of their relationship. Being young and in shape probably doesn't hurt, either. Terence and Sarah finish their climb and manage to read the next clue without whining about anything. Mark and Bill finish soon after. Ken and Tina check in as team number two. They did their fair share of carping (well, Tina did) tonight, but they're nowhere near as obnoxious as the Bickersons, or even Lake and Michelle for that matter. I'm not founding their fan club just yet, but there's a glimmer of hope.

Andrew and Dan get caught in a traffic spiral, and Toni/Dallas, Marisa/Brooke, and Aja/Ty all reach the Detour clue at the same time. Soft Way Down is popular with this crowd, too. As they run out, Andrew and Dan run in. Dan reads that only three teams may be on the cargo net at a time, and suggests hedging their bets by going for Hard Way Up. Kelly and Christy begin their climb down the net. Terence and Sarah check in as team number three. They are blessedly silent. Anthony/Stephanie and Arthur/Anita are last to the Detour clue, and make it nearly unanimous by choosing Soft Way Down. Toni and Dallas begin to catch up to Kelly and Christy on the net. As Andrew and Dan begin their crawl up the stairs, Mark and Bill check in as team four. People climb up. People climb down. When Andrew and Dan reach the top of the stairs, they get their mystery question: "How many steps have you climbed?" Wah wah wah waaaaah. They hazard a guess of forty, and are incorrect. The trailing teams reach Soft Way Down. Andrew and Dan circle back around to the bottom of the staircase.

Commercials. You know how there are random people who show up in, like, five commercials simultaneously? I'm trying to figure out what was so appealing about this big, weird-looking guy during the audition process. He's everywhere!

Andrew and Dan begin their climb again, making sure to count the steps this time. Kelly and Christy check in as team number five. Have you heard they're divorced? People climb. Toni and Dallas check in as team number six. Climb, climb, climb. Andrew and Dan reach the top again, and give an answer of fifty-three steps. Heh. It'd be funny if the guy was all "No, it's NOW been a hundred and six," but he cuts them a break. They're free to go to the pitstop. Arthur and Anita reach the bottom of the cargo net, and get a smattering of applause from the watching locals. Everyone's done with the Detour, so now it's just a race to the mat. Teams that have been done with the net for forever wander around aimlessly, so Andrew and Dan manage to slip in as team number seven. Aja and Ty are right behind them as team eight. Anthony and Stephanie jog up as team nine, with Marisa and Brooke casually walking behind them as team ten.

You know what that means. Yep, here come poor old Arthur and Anita, last to the mat. Phil eliminates them, and Anita interviews that it was a great experience for them. Arthur says that running alongside Anita and ten wonderful couples has been a privilege. They share a smooch. Aw. There are tons of awesome people in the world that are just ill-suited for a competition of this kind, and these two are a prime example.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Mark and Bill feel the alpha male pinch from Ken. Terence and Sarah continue their quest to act like petulant toddlers.

Overall Grade: B