The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 10
Figures. We finally get an episode with worthwhile tasks, and it ends like that. The teams stick to Moscow, first heading to a submarine sonar room to pick up a clue from a movie extra. OK, that's not what I meant by "worthwhile tasks". The clue directs teams to a park with leftover monuments to leaders of Russia's past, because like my dad, Russia never wants to throw anything away. Once there, a Roadblock forces the chosen team member to count statues of both Lenin and Stalin, then combine the number to give to a bookseller, who directs them to an address where the next clue awaits. Tricky! It trips up everyone but Nick, who powers through this and the rest of the leg with ruthless efficiency.
Upon getting the right answer, Tina passes it along to Dallas, which doesn't make Ken too happy when he hears about it. He needn't have worried, though, because upon arriving at the final address, Dallas leaves all the money and passports in his cab. That mistake is compounded when he and Toni deliberately disregard the clue's instruction to take a taxi because metro fare will be easier to beg for. They get sent back to take a taxi, which allows Andrew and Dan all the time they need to complete their Speed Bump, which involves dancing.
The Detour sends teams on either a complicated series of stops via metro, or a slightly less complicated series of stops via trolley bus. Nick and Starr choose the metro, and zoom through with no problem whatsoever. Tina/Ken/Andrew/Dan choose the trolley, and they have some initial issues, but work it out fairly quickly.
Toni and Dallas? Sigh. They just inch from stop to stop, begging for the necessary fare each time. In the end, Phil doesn't even wait for them to get to the mat, but just tracks them down and eliminates them where they stand. So the Fratties become the most incompetent team ever to stumble their way into the final three, and I officially don't give a good goddamn who wins this chore of a season. Hooray for everything!
Overall Grade: C
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Bitter, Party of Fifty
Top Chef - Season 5, Episode 2
Previously on Top Chef: Seventeen people with dreams of fame and glory came to New York City, but they weren't those other four thousand people who come to New York City each day with dreams of fame and glory. Stefan won the Quickfire, while...Laura? Erin? Whoever it was, she got kicked off the show before her luggage arrived on the airport carousel. The three gay chefs coalesced into a clique, and though Ariane did her best to keep them together by making terrible farro risotto, the rainbow lost a chunk of its hues with the elimination of Patrick. Stefan won the Elimination Challenge, and flew all the flags of Europe proudly. His arms must be tired. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Drinking Game Rule #2: Take a drink at any reference to being thrown under a bus.
The opening segment always seems to be a rehashing of what went wrong in the previous episode, so I'll just refer to it as the Monday Morning Quarterback session. Richard tells us that we started with seventeen chefs, and two have been eliminated, so now there's fifteen. I can see why that interview was so crucial. Ariane continues to beat herself up, talking about how old she is and how much experience the other chefs have. It looks like she's beginning to seriously regret signing up for this show. I don't blame her; it seems like such a degrading experience. Fabio is happy to let Stefan win individual challenges as long as Fabio himself wins the competition, drawing a comparison to dragon-killing and princess-snatching. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Donatella Someoneorother. I'd be happy to write out her last name, but the Bravo folks have seen fit to cover the title up with an annoying ad for an annoying show. Padma says that the Quickfire will be the preparation of a New York favorite, which turns out to be a hot dog. Some lady who makes hot dogs comes in with her cart, and there's some blah about the chefs' dogs being compared to hers. This turns out to have absolutely no bearing on the Quickfire whatsoever, so with all due respect to this lady and her wieners, I don't see the point of mentioning her again. Forty-five minutes. Immunity for the winner. Ready? Go!
Ariane beats herself up some more. Daniel has acquired an odd, negative-space mustache. Fabio says you can't out hot dog a hot dog, so he works with sausage. Stefan uses a mix of international ingredients from Italian sausage to Wisconsin cheese to Irish tartar sauce. Jill, showing a knack for identifying last season's pitfall of "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" recognizes that incorporating hot dogs into a dish isn't the same thing as making one. So she decides to go ahead and ignore the instinct, doing just that. Radhika, who you'll remember introduced herself last week by sniffing that the other chefs would just write her off as a chef that makes Indian food (right before making chutney), makes an Indian-style kabob dog. Hehehe. Hosea concentrates on his flavors, rather than presentation. Time runs out.
Padma and Donatella go down the line. As promised, Jill has just shoved hot dogs into a summer roll. Besides not adhering to the challenge parameters, it looks totally gross. Radhika's kabob dog includes lamb and pork, and looks tasty. Daniel's has horseradish and mustard. Eugene has made a maki roll with cheese. Donatella cannot keep her emotions off her face, so it's fairly easy to tell when she hates something, as with Eugene's. Hosea's is bacon and roasted peppers. Yum. Stefan presents his World Dog. Donatella takes a bite, and her face crumbles again. Bad sign. Carla is told that her lamb and pork with sauerkraut is very moist. Ariane's chicken dog has too much celery seed. Fabio has concocted a Mediterranean dog made up of andouille sausage, goat cheese, roasted bell peppers, and sun-dried tomatoes. I'm not a big sun-dried tomato fan, but the rest sounds good. Jamie has used pork, and let a bone slip in to her dog. I bet that's the first bone she's ever let slip in. Thank you! I'm here all week!
Results. The bottom two are Jill's store-bought hot dog crud, and Stefan, whose World Dog should be wiped off the map. He whines that there was nothing wrong with his dog. Ah, so Stefan has won the first Elimination Challenge, and now he's whining about how the guest judge has no taste. I guess he's on-track to win, after all. Donatella loved Radhika's dog, saying she's glad Radhika embraced the Indian theme. Well, don't get too used to it, Donatella. Radhika is NOT just an Indian chef. The fact that she's made Indian food in two of three challenges, and was forced into doing Jamaican for the third should not be used against her. Fabio also impressed Donatella, as did Hosea's bacon. Radhika winds up winning, and it makes her happy to redeem herself after her unimpressive Quickfire performance last week. Immunity helps, too.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be opening a restaurant, and a lot of them break into grins. Jeff knows enough to wait until the other shoe drops. The challenge will be to create a three-course New American lunch menu. New American is about the vaguest cuisine type ever, but Jamie gives it the old college try by saying a lot of it is about reinventing classic American dishes. Each chef is responsible for their own dish, so five will be on appetizers, five on entrees, and five on dessert. There's some yakking about how New Yorkers are tough to please, as if the rest of us are happy with whatever pig slop you throw on the plate. I can see that I'll have to keep a Big Apple Snobbery Alert on throughout the season, and not just when Tuskegee Joey is on-screen. At least this one's pretty mild; a violet on the Snobbery Alert chart.
As soon as Padma leaves, there's an explosion of dibs on certain courses. What's weird is that a lot of the clamoring is for dessert, because on every other season of this show, chefs fled from dessert courses in terror. Strange. Anyhow, Jeff manages to get everyone ordered and organized. I have to say, if he manages to shed the pretty-boy image, there's a person underneath I think I like. The chefs head off to Whole Foods with $2,500 and thirty minutes of shopping time. I'm assuming that $2,500 has to cover everybody, though I'd love to see what kind of meal would result if each chef got that. Hosea wants fresh crab meat, but has to settle for canned. Fabio stocks up on beef and olives. Jill likes the creativity of ostrich egg, and hoists one into her basket so she can make a quiche. Wait, Whole Foods has ostrich eggs, but they don't have fresh crab meat? Odd. Everyone checks out.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their two hours of prep time. The groups have shaken out to be:
Appetizers: Fabio, Hosea, Jamie, Melissa, and Leah
Entrees: Stefan, Jeff, Eugene, Alex, and Jill
Desserts: Carla, Ariane, Daniel, Richard, and Radhika
Jamie gets started on a sweet corn soup, and somewhat disdains Jill's idea to use an ostrich egg. I think using the egg itself is fine; it's what she makes with it that will be the real deciding factor. That is, if she can make anything at all, because she has real problems even breaking into the shell. She finally cracks it with Fabio's help. Ariane begins making a lemon meringue martini, and beats up on herself yet again, because she's not a dessert expert. Ptom stops by to drop a bomb on the chefs. First of all, they'll be cooking in his restaurant. That's a big who cares, because it's not like members of the public will be strolling in. Second, all fifty of the diners at the luncheon will be New York chefs who tried out for the show, and didn't make it. Daaaaaaaaaamn! Kudos to whoever thought this up, because that is deliciously evil. I can't think of anyone on the planet who would be harder to win over than reality show wannabes denied their moment in the sun. Carla nails it in interview, saying that it'll be impossible to get their dishes "right" for a bunch of jealous, hypercritical diners.
Evening. Fabio drags out his dragon/princess metaphor again, and has to be subtitled. Drink! Then, in an extremely bizarre sequence of events, there's a short commercial break, then a show segment literally less than a minute long that features Leah and Hosea flirting, and then it goes back into commercials. Um. OK. I guess that budding romance was just too compelling to leave on the cutting room floor. When we get back to the show, it's a new day. The chefs make their way to Ptom's restaurant, and get set up. Jamie's in love with her soup, but Fabio dismisses it in interview as too simple. It certainly is compared to his dish, which involves chemically altering olive juice so that it forms a solid shell on the outside, while remaining liquid on the inside. Interesting.
Hosea seasons his crab. Jill rushes her quiche into the oven. Carla frets over her pie crust. Ariane shops her martini around to the others. Richard wants to be all competitive by not sharing his opinion that it's too sweet, but that doesn't really work out when a bunch of other chefs volunteer the same criticism. Ariane knows she has the option to remake it, but is clearly welcoming elimination with open arms at this point, and is like "Meh. Screw it." The fifty loser guests begin to stream in and get down to the business of getting acquainted with each other. In this case, that means bragging about their cooking credentials. Some of them don't even wait to taste the food, and begin ragging on the chefs' selections just based on reading the menu. Ptom and the real chef that does all the work at his restaurant come back to expedite all the food. He reminds the chefs not to stick a utensil they've just used to sample their food back into the dish.
LabRat: "Why does he need to tell them that?"
Time runs down. The diners choose their courses. They probably ordered what they figured they'd hate the most to ensure a nice amount of complaining. The judges enter, and get seated. The chefs plate up, and time runs out. Now, to the appetizers. Jamie has made a chilled, sweet corn soup with chili oil and mint. Amazingly, nobody has a bad thing to say about it. The judges love it, and even one of the diners finds it "amazing". Hosea sends out his cold crab salad with citrus vanilla dressing, accented by mango and avocado. The judges dislike the texture and muddied flavors, and one of the diners is able to discern that the crab came out of a can, as it had a metal-ish flavor. Ugh, I hate that. Leah sends out seared scallops with Yukon potato, chives, and pink peppercorns (though the Reliably Shitty Titles Department refers to them as green peppercorns). The diners disdain them (one says they're too sandy), and Padma gets an '80s feel from the dish, whatever that means. Fabio sends out beef carpaccio with arugula salad, slices of Parmesan cheese, and those spherical olives he described earlier. Donatella says that it's a perfect lunch dish. Melissa has made grilled avocado, and served it alongside white peaches and nectarines. Zzzzzz.
Several jealous losers in the dining room make general nitpicky comments that make me all too glad they and their dumb haircuts and hipster outfits didn't make it onto the show. The entrees start to go out. Jill has made an ostrich egg quiche with a rice-pecan crust, and served it with asparagus and cheese. Donatella's face crumbles again, and she hurriedly reaches for her wine, saying the quiche tastes like glue. Ouch. Eugene has made a deconstructed meatloaf sandwich with ciabatta break, gouda, and a mushroom ragout. I have to say, the diners may be overly critical, but a lot of these dishes are boring as hell. The judges aren't impressed. Stefan sends out his pan-seared halibut, which is topped with greens, pasta ravioli, a champagne sauce, and dill. It gets a favorable reaction in the dining room. Jeff has made honey mustard chicken and a chorizo corn bread. That sounds good. The diners agree. Even one of the annoying hipsters says he has no complaints at all. Alex sends out a grilled pork tenderloin over potatoes with mushroom, tomato, and a red beet demi-glace. It's not popular.
Desserts. Radhika has made a citrus-avocado mousse with chocolate wontons and a chocolate milk Kahlua shot. That's one of those things I can't judge unless I taste it. The avocado mousse sounds unappetizing, but I don't know. It's pretty, anyway. Gail says it's obvious Radhika has immunity, because she's essentially made sweet guacamole. Eeeeeeew. Daniel has made a ricotta poundcake with toasted pistachios, and a strawberry-lemon sauce. Not only does that sound good, but Daniel has refrained from the uber-pretentious pronunciation of ricotta, and for that, I thank him. It gets good reviews, though he's never made it before. Good for him. Ariane has put together her half-assed lemon meringue martini with vanilla cookie crumbles and some cherry on the bottom. She says she thinks it may be a little too sweet. That assumption is confirmed when Padma takes a bite, and:
Yeah. Not a big hit. Richard sends out his sandwich of banana nut bread, peanut butter, and banana brulee with grape gelato. Okay, I see what he's going for, and I'd probably like how it tastes, but as with last week's lamb burger, he tends to go for simplistic ideas that aren't going to win any sophistication points. The judges agree with me by calling it an "after school snack". Carla plates her rustic apple tart with ginger peach tea, an apple cider reduction, and some cheddar cheese. ME WANT. Though her cheese is unattractively plated, she's saved by the flavor of her tart. Service winds down. The jealous losers fill out comment cards and whine their way out the door. See ya never! Ptom tells the chefs he'll see them at Judges' Table, to which they weirdly applaud. He goes out to join the other judges, and they discuss how disappointed they are. Ptom is floored by the downslide in quality between last week and tonight.
Fret 'n' sweat. Ptom comes back to the Kitchen to let the chefs know that the service was great, but the food sucked. That said, he summons Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, Fabio, Carla, and Jill to Judges' Table. Padma reiterates that most of the food was terrible, but allows that there were some bright spots. First is Carla's pastry. Though she should have found a way to incorporate her cheese a little better, it was great, overall. Fabio's name is called, and he immediately springs into defensive mode, saying he serves hundreds of dishes just like the one he made today, and challenges the judges to tell him why he's at Judges' Table. "You're here because we liked your dish, [moron]," Padma says. The "moron" is not said, but it hangs palpably in the air. Once Fabio understands he's actually on the winning side, he calms down. His grilled lemon was Gail's favorite part, while Donatella loved the spherical olives. Jamie's soup incorporated seasonal ingredients, flavor, and texture. Donatella gets to announce the challenge's winner, and she selects Fabio. He jabbers happily in Italian. The three winning chefs are dismissed. Fabio continues celebrating back in the Kitchen, happy to have tied up Elimination Challenge wins with Stefan. Yes, but what was that about challenges not mattering and dragons and princesses and such? Ah, who am I to intrude on his joy?
Back at Judges' Table, the three losing chefs are dissected. Not literally. That would be quite a different show. Hosea is surprised he's there, and makes a rookie mistake by saying he thought he'd be included amongst the winning group. There are multiple complaints about his food, from off-putting crab to sweetness issues to not enough seasoning. In the end, the judges can't even peg what was so wrong with the food, but know enough that they didn't like it. Ariane's dessert was boring and violently sweet. Padma informs her that she had to spit it into her napkin. Jill took an extraordinary ingredient and made a dull quiche out of it. Gail says that beyond the dish's concept, it just didn't taste good. Jill babbles about the pressure of being in the competition and that she's not sure what's getting to her. Her brain desperately searches for any sort of coherent defense, but she can't come up with anything better than "I understand the mistakes I made today, but just the pressure of the time, I had the idea, and...tried to execute it the best I could." Oof. I can't be too hard on her, because how do you defend food that judges simply didn't like the taste of? I guess she could have said something like "I tried to be creative by using an off-kilter ingredient, but that obviously affected the resulting flavor. I'll know to correct for that in future." Something like that. Instead, she's like Heroes: Unfocused and just stabs out at whatever idea she can think of, hoping one of them is a winner.
The chefs are dismissed. Ariane is convinced she's toast. Deliberations. Ptom is surprised that Hosea admitted he was complacent. Er, when did Hosea ever say that? I guess it could have been edited out, but then why show this deliberation? Gail is surprised that she can't articulate what she found so objectionable about the dish. That, more than anything, probably works in Hosea's favor. Ariane's food was way, way too sweet. She beats herself up some more in the Kitchen. Her spiral into utter depression is becoming uncomfortable to watch. Jill's explanation of her food was the lamest defense in five seasons of the show. Donatella agrees with my opinion that she's unfocused by failing to find any sort of point of view in Jill's food. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Hosea admitted he was complacent, which NO HE DIDN'T. Ariane just kind of sucks. Jill had a good ingredient, but couldn't make anything distinguished out of it. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Jill. Please pack your knives and go. Ariane looks like she wants to stick her head in the oven. She is so ready to go home. Jill is disappointed, and a bit surprised that her lackluster food was deemed worse than Ariane's actively bad food. She sheds a tear or two, which is nothing compared to the wrenching sobs coming from Ariane. She moans that she doesn't deserve to still be there, and Carla says she does, and gives her a big, comforting hug. Aw. She semi-ruins it by saying that "there is no mistake in the universe", but it was still a sweet gesture. Please, just eliminate Ariane. I'm not saying she's a bad chef, but this is clearly not the right setting for her, and at this point, it's the merciful thing to do. Poor, boring, overshadowed Jill says she'll take some time off and figure out what the hell she wants to do. Good idea.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Seventeen people with dreams of fame and glory came to New York City, but they weren't those other four thousand people who come to New York City each day with dreams of fame and glory. Stefan won the Quickfire, while...Laura? Erin? Whoever it was, she got kicked off the show before her luggage arrived on the airport carousel. The three gay chefs coalesced into a clique, and though Ariane did her best to keep them together by making terrible farro risotto, the rainbow lost a chunk of its hues with the elimination of Patrick. Stefan won the Elimination Challenge, and flew all the flags of Europe proudly. His arms must be tired. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Drinking Game Rule #2: Take a drink at any reference to being thrown under a bus.
The opening segment always seems to be a rehashing of what went wrong in the previous episode, so I'll just refer to it as the Monday Morning Quarterback session. Richard tells us that we started with seventeen chefs, and two have been eliminated, so now there's fifteen. I can see why that interview was so crucial. Ariane continues to beat herself up, talking about how old she is and how much experience the other chefs have. It looks like she's beginning to seriously regret signing up for this show. I don't blame her; it seems like such a degrading experience. Fabio is happy to let Stefan win individual challenges as long as Fabio himself wins the competition, drawing a comparison to dragon-killing and princess-snatching. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Donatella Someoneorother. I'd be happy to write out her last name, but the Bravo folks have seen fit to cover the title up with an annoying ad for an annoying show. Padma says that the Quickfire will be the preparation of a New York favorite, which turns out to be a hot dog. Some lady who makes hot dogs comes in with her cart, and there's some blah about the chefs' dogs being compared to hers. This turns out to have absolutely no bearing on the Quickfire whatsoever, so with all due respect to this lady and her wieners, I don't see the point of mentioning her again. Forty-five minutes. Immunity for the winner. Ready? Go!
Ariane beats herself up some more. Daniel has acquired an odd, negative-space mustache. Fabio says you can't out hot dog a hot dog, so he works with sausage. Stefan uses a mix of international ingredients from Italian sausage to Wisconsin cheese to Irish tartar sauce. Jill, showing a knack for identifying last season's pitfall of "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" recognizes that incorporating hot dogs into a dish isn't the same thing as making one. So she decides to go ahead and ignore the instinct, doing just that. Radhika, who you'll remember introduced herself last week by sniffing that the other chefs would just write her off as a chef that makes Indian food (right before making chutney), makes an Indian-style kabob dog. Hehehe. Hosea concentrates on his flavors, rather than presentation. Time runs out.
Padma and Donatella go down the line. As promised, Jill has just shoved hot dogs into a summer roll. Besides not adhering to the challenge parameters, it looks totally gross. Radhika's kabob dog includes lamb and pork, and looks tasty. Daniel's has horseradish and mustard. Eugene has made a maki roll with cheese. Donatella cannot keep her emotions off her face, so it's fairly easy to tell when she hates something, as with Eugene's. Hosea's is bacon and roasted peppers. Yum. Stefan presents his World Dog. Donatella takes a bite, and her face crumbles again. Bad sign. Carla is told that her lamb and pork with sauerkraut is very moist. Ariane's chicken dog has too much celery seed. Fabio has concocted a Mediterranean dog made up of andouille sausage, goat cheese, roasted bell peppers, and sun-dried tomatoes. I'm not a big sun-dried tomato fan, but the rest sounds good. Jamie has used pork, and let a bone slip in to her dog. I bet that's the first bone she's ever let slip in. Thank you! I'm here all week!
Results. The bottom two are Jill's store-bought hot dog crud, and Stefan, whose World Dog should be wiped off the map. He whines that there was nothing wrong with his dog. Ah, so Stefan has won the first Elimination Challenge, and now he's whining about how the guest judge has no taste. I guess he's on-track to win, after all. Donatella loved Radhika's dog, saying she's glad Radhika embraced the Indian theme. Well, don't get too used to it, Donatella. Radhika is NOT just an Indian chef. The fact that she's made Indian food in two of three challenges, and was forced into doing Jamaican for the third should not be used against her. Fabio also impressed Donatella, as did Hosea's bacon. Radhika winds up winning, and it makes her happy to redeem herself after her unimpressive Quickfire performance last week. Immunity helps, too.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be opening a restaurant, and a lot of them break into grins. Jeff knows enough to wait until the other shoe drops. The challenge will be to create a three-course New American lunch menu. New American is about the vaguest cuisine type ever, but Jamie gives it the old college try by saying a lot of it is about reinventing classic American dishes. Each chef is responsible for their own dish, so five will be on appetizers, five on entrees, and five on dessert. There's some yakking about how New Yorkers are tough to please, as if the rest of us are happy with whatever pig slop you throw on the plate. I can see that I'll have to keep a Big Apple Snobbery Alert on throughout the season, and not just when Tuskegee Joey is on-screen. At least this one's pretty mild; a violet on the Snobbery Alert chart.
As soon as Padma leaves, there's an explosion of dibs on certain courses. What's weird is that a lot of the clamoring is for dessert, because on every other season of this show, chefs fled from dessert courses in terror. Strange. Anyhow, Jeff manages to get everyone ordered and organized. I have to say, if he manages to shed the pretty-boy image, there's a person underneath I think I like. The chefs head off to Whole Foods with $2,500 and thirty minutes of shopping time. I'm assuming that $2,500 has to cover everybody, though I'd love to see what kind of meal would result if each chef got that. Hosea wants fresh crab meat, but has to settle for canned. Fabio stocks up on beef and olives. Jill likes the creativity of ostrich egg, and hoists one into her basket so she can make a quiche. Wait, Whole Foods has ostrich eggs, but they don't have fresh crab meat? Odd. Everyone checks out.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their two hours of prep time. The groups have shaken out to be:
Appetizers: Fabio, Hosea, Jamie, Melissa, and Leah
Entrees: Stefan, Jeff, Eugene, Alex, and Jill
Desserts: Carla, Ariane, Daniel, Richard, and Radhika
Jamie gets started on a sweet corn soup, and somewhat disdains Jill's idea to use an ostrich egg. I think using the egg itself is fine; it's what she makes with it that will be the real deciding factor. That is, if she can make anything at all, because she has real problems even breaking into the shell. She finally cracks it with Fabio's help. Ariane begins making a lemon meringue martini, and beats up on herself yet again, because she's not a dessert expert. Ptom stops by to drop a bomb on the chefs. First of all, they'll be cooking in his restaurant. That's a big who cares, because it's not like members of the public will be strolling in. Second, all fifty of the diners at the luncheon will be New York chefs who tried out for the show, and didn't make it. Daaaaaaaaaamn! Kudos to whoever thought this up, because that is deliciously evil. I can't think of anyone on the planet who would be harder to win over than reality show wannabes denied their moment in the sun. Carla nails it in interview, saying that it'll be impossible to get their dishes "right" for a bunch of jealous, hypercritical diners.
Evening. Fabio drags out his dragon/princess metaphor again, and has to be subtitled. Drink! Then, in an extremely bizarre sequence of events, there's a short commercial break, then a show segment literally less than a minute long that features Leah and Hosea flirting, and then it goes back into commercials. Um. OK. I guess that budding romance was just too compelling to leave on the cutting room floor. When we get back to the show, it's a new day. The chefs make their way to Ptom's restaurant, and get set up. Jamie's in love with her soup, but Fabio dismisses it in interview as too simple. It certainly is compared to his dish, which involves chemically altering olive juice so that it forms a solid shell on the outside, while remaining liquid on the inside. Interesting.
Hosea seasons his crab. Jill rushes her quiche into the oven. Carla frets over her pie crust. Ariane shops her martini around to the others. Richard wants to be all competitive by not sharing his opinion that it's too sweet, but that doesn't really work out when a bunch of other chefs volunteer the same criticism. Ariane knows she has the option to remake it, but is clearly welcoming elimination with open arms at this point, and is like "Meh. Screw it." The fifty loser guests begin to stream in and get down to the business of getting acquainted with each other. In this case, that means bragging about their cooking credentials. Some of them don't even wait to taste the food, and begin ragging on the chefs' selections just based on reading the menu. Ptom and the real chef that does all the work at his restaurant come back to expedite all the food. He reminds the chefs not to stick a utensil they've just used to sample their food back into the dish.
LabRat: "Why does he need to tell them that?"
Time runs down. The diners choose their courses. They probably ordered what they figured they'd hate the most to ensure a nice amount of complaining. The judges enter, and get seated. The chefs plate up, and time runs out. Now, to the appetizers. Jamie has made a chilled, sweet corn soup with chili oil and mint. Amazingly, nobody has a bad thing to say about it. The judges love it, and even one of the diners finds it "amazing". Hosea sends out his cold crab salad with citrus vanilla dressing, accented by mango and avocado. The judges dislike the texture and muddied flavors, and one of the diners is able to discern that the crab came out of a can, as it had a metal-ish flavor. Ugh, I hate that. Leah sends out seared scallops with Yukon potato, chives, and pink peppercorns (though the Reliably Shitty Titles Department refers to them as green peppercorns). The diners disdain them (one says they're too sandy), and Padma gets an '80s feel from the dish, whatever that means. Fabio sends out beef carpaccio with arugula salad, slices of Parmesan cheese, and those spherical olives he described earlier. Donatella says that it's a perfect lunch dish. Melissa has made grilled avocado, and served it alongside white peaches and nectarines. Zzzzzz.
Several jealous losers in the dining room make general nitpicky comments that make me all too glad they and their dumb haircuts and hipster outfits didn't make it onto the show. The entrees start to go out. Jill has made an ostrich egg quiche with a rice-pecan crust, and served it with asparagus and cheese. Donatella's face crumbles again, and she hurriedly reaches for her wine, saying the quiche tastes like glue. Ouch. Eugene has made a deconstructed meatloaf sandwich with ciabatta break, gouda, and a mushroom ragout. I have to say, the diners may be overly critical, but a lot of these dishes are boring as hell. The judges aren't impressed. Stefan sends out his pan-seared halibut, which is topped with greens, pasta ravioli, a champagne sauce, and dill. It gets a favorable reaction in the dining room. Jeff has made honey mustard chicken and a chorizo corn bread. That sounds good. The diners agree. Even one of the annoying hipsters says he has no complaints at all. Alex sends out a grilled pork tenderloin over potatoes with mushroom, tomato, and a red beet demi-glace. It's not popular.
Desserts. Radhika has made a citrus-avocado mousse with chocolate wontons and a chocolate milk Kahlua shot. That's one of those things I can't judge unless I taste it. The avocado mousse sounds unappetizing, but I don't know. It's pretty, anyway. Gail says it's obvious Radhika has immunity, because she's essentially made sweet guacamole. Eeeeeeew. Daniel has made a ricotta poundcake with toasted pistachios, and a strawberry-lemon sauce. Not only does that sound good, but Daniel has refrained from the uber-pretentious pronunciation of ricotta, and for that, I thank him. It gets good reviews, though he's never made it before. Good for him. Ariane has put together her half-assed lemon meringue martini with vanilla cookie crumbles and some cherry on the bottom. She says she thinks it may be a little too sweet. That assumption is confirmed when Padma takes a bite, and:
Yeah. Not a big hit. Richard sends out his sandwich of banana nut bread, peanut butter, and banana brulee with grape gelato. Okay, I see what he's going for, and I'd probably like how it tastes, but as with last week's lamb burger, he tends to go for simplistic ideas that aren't going to win any sophistication points. The judges agree with me by calling it an "after school snack". Carla plates her rustic apple tart with ginger peach tea, an apple cider reduction, and some cheddar cheese. ME WANT. Though her cheese is unattractively plated, she's saved by the flavor of her tart. Service winds down. The jealous losers fill out comment cards and whine their way out the door. See ya never! Ptom tells the chefs he'll see them at Judges' Table, to which they weirdly applaud. He goes out to join the other judges, and they discuss how disappointed they are. Ptom is floored by the downslide in quality between last week and tonight.
Fret 'n' sweat. Ptom comes back to the Kitchen to let the chefs know that the service was great, but the food sucked. That said, he summons Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, Fabio, Carla, and Jill to Judges' Table. Padma reiterates that most of the food was terrible, but allows that there were some bright spots. First is Carla's pastry. Though she should have found a way to incorporate her cheese a little better, it was great, overall. Fabio's name is called, and he immediately springs into defensive mode, saying he serves hundreds of dishes just like the one he made today, and challenges the judges to tell him why he's at Judges' Table. "You're here because we liked your dish, [moron]," Padma says. The "moron" is not said, but it hangs palpably in the air. Once Fabio understands he's actually on the winning side, he calms down. His grilled lemon was Gail's favorite part, while Donatella loved the spherical olives. Jamie's soup incorporated seasonal ingredients, flavor, and texture. Donatella gets to announce the challenge's winner, and she selects Fabio. He jabbers happily in Italian. The three winning chefs are dismissed. Fabio continues celebrating back in the Kitchen, happy to have tied up Elimination Challenge wins with Stefan. Yes, but what was that about challenges not mattering and dragons and princesses and such? Ah, who am I to intrude on his joy?
Back at Judges' Table, the three losing chefs are dissected. Not literally. That would be quite a different show. Hosea is surprised he's there, and makes a rookie mistake by saying he thought he'd be included amongst the winning group. There are multiple complaints about his food, from off-putting crab to sweetness issues to not enough seasoning. In the end, the judges can't even peg what was so wrong with the food, but know enough that they didn't like it. Ariane's dessert was boring and violently sweet. Padma informs her that she had to spit it into her napkin. Jill took an extraordinary ingredient and made a dull quiche out of it. Gail says that beyond the dish's concept, it just didn't taste good. Jill babbles about the pressure of being in the competition and that she's not sure what's getting to her. Her brain desperately searches for any sort of coherent defense, but she can't come up with anything better than "I understand the mistakes I made today, but just the pressure of the time, I had the idea, and...tried to execute it the best I could." Oof. I can't be too hard on her, because how do you defend food that judges simply didn't like the taste of? I guess she could have said something like "I tried to be creative by using an off-kilter ingredient, but that obviously affected the resulting flavor. I'll know to correct for that in future." Something like that. Instead, she's like Heroes: Unfocused and just stabs out at whatever idea she can think of, hoping one of them is a winner.
The chefs are dismissed. Ariane is convinced she's toast. Deliberations. Ptom is surprised that Hosea admitted he was complacent. Er, when did Hosea ever say that? I guess it could have been edited out, but then why show this deliberation? Gail is surprised that she can't articulate what she found so objectionable about the dish. That, more than anything, probably works in Hosea's favor. Ariane's food was way, way too sweet. She beats herself up some more in the Kitchen. Her spiral into utter depression is becoming uncomfortable to watch. Jill's explanation of her food was the lamest defense in five seasons of the show. Donatella agrees with my opinion that she's unfocused by failing to find any sort of point of view in Jill's food. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Hosea admitted he was complacent, which NO HE DIDN'T. Ariane just kind of sucks. Jill had a good ingredient, but couldn't make anything distinguished out of it. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Jill. Please pack your knives and go. Ariane looks like she wants to stick her head in the oven. She is so ready to go home. Jill is disappointed, and a bit surprised that her lackluster food was deemed worse than Ariane's actively bad food. She sheds a tear or two, which is nothing compared to the wrenching sobs coming from Ariane. She moans that she doesn't deserve to still be there, and Carla says she does, and gives her a big, comforting hug. Aw. She semi-ruins it by saying that "there is no mistake in the universe", but it was still a sweet gesture. Please, just eliminate Ariane. I'm not saying she's a bad chef, but this is clearly not the right setting for her, and at this point, it's the merciful thing to do. Poor, boring, overshadowed Jill says she'll take some time off and figure out what the hell she wants to do. Good idea.
Overall Grade: B+
That is Studly
The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 9
No, it isn't. But first thing's first. The teams leave Kazakhstan for Moscow, Russia, which I'm surprised to learn is one of the most expensive cities in the world. There's more pointless flirting between Dallas and Starr. The Fratties go to an airport store and spend a good chunk of their available money on new shoes to replace the ones they idiotically left behind at the last Detour.
Once in Moscow, teams have to find a monastery and light a candle. Bo-ring! From there, they have to go to a military camp and dress in fatigues for the Detour. The choice is between doing a simple, synchronized march (Bo-ring!) or filling 75 bowls with some very runny borscht (Extremely Bo-ring!). Toni and Dallas get a good jump, and although Nick and Starr have a string of unhelpful taxi drivers, their bad luck cannot hope to compete against the Fratties' sheer incompetence. They screw up (well, Dan screws up) one of the easiest Detour tasks in the history of the show, then mistakenly strip off their fatigues to go do the other one. Sigh. From there, it would take some real work to lose to them.
Dan finally doesn't suck at something; in this case, the Roadblock, which involves hauling sacks of flour (Bo-ring! Though somewhat made up for by an awesome clue wrangler who yells at the contestants) into a bakery. Toni and Dallas finally score a first-place win, and must figure out how to spend a romantic trip for two together. The money that the Fratties wasted on buying shoes makes them too broke to pay off their taxi, and by the time they finally trudge to the pitstop, they're in dead last. So of course it's a non-elimination leg, and they live to suck another day.
Overall Grade: C-
No, it isn't. But first thing's first. The teams leave Kazakhstan for Moscow, Russia, which I'm surprised to learn is one of the most expensive cities in the world. There's more pointless flirting between Dallas and Starr. The Fratties go to an airport store and spend a good chunk of their available money on new shoes to replace the ones they idiotically left behind at the last Detour.
Once in Moscow, teams have to find a monastery and light a candle. Bo-ring! From there, they have to go to a military camp and dress in fatigues for the Detour. The choice is between doing a simple, synchronized march (Bo-ring!) or filling 75 bowls with some very runny borscht (Extremely Bo-ring!). Toni and Dallas get a good jump, and although Nick and Starr have a string of unhelpful taxi drivers, their bad luck cannot hope to compete against the Fratties' sheer incompetence. They screw up (well, Dan screws up) one of the easiest Detour tasks in the history of the show, then mistakenly strip off their fatigues to go do the other one. Sigh. From there, it would take some real work to lose to them.
Dan finally doesn't suck at something; in this case, the Roadblock, which involves hauling sacks of flour (Bo-ring! Though somewhat made up for by an awesome clue wrangler who yells at the contestants) into a bakery. Toni and Dallas finally score a first-place win, and must figure out how to spend a romantic trip for two together. The money that the Fratties wasted on buying shoes makes them too broke to pay off their taxi, and by the time they finally trudge to the pitstop, they're in dead last. So of course it's a non-elimination leg, and they live to suck another day.
Overall Grade: C-
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
McKey to My Heart
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 11
The last episode of America's Next Top Model is usually a big to-do of nerves, drama, and more often than not, the banishment of the season's Bitch. This season, however, just comes to a gentle stop. In the first half, the girls have to deliver a CoverGirl commercial with some Dutch lines. Analeigh is surprisingly bad, while McKey is surprisingly good. Samantha rides the middle, as she is wont to do. From there, it's on to those beauty shots that often come off as sort of creepy. Samantha's looks a bit wooden, while Analeigh continues being Blandy McWhitebread. McKey's is lovely, and she becomes a lock for the final two. That settled, the judges cut Analeigh, aware that if she won, America would fall asleep midway through her post-victory joy.
The second half is the traditional runway show, which is very uneventful. Neither McKey nor Samantha is that good or that bad, though it's nice to see Whitney again. Both girls are roundly complimented at panel, but McKey has clearly been stronger overall, and she takes the win. I must say, I wouldn't have called it when this season began, but I'm very pleased. With McKey, that is. The show, however? It's getting duller by the season. It just may be time to snip Tyra once and for all.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C
The last episode of America's Next Top Model is usually a big to-do of nerves, drama, and more often than not, the banishment of the season's Bitch. This season, however, just comes to a gentle stop. In the first half, the girls have to deliver a CoverGirl commercial with some Dutch lines. Analeigh is surprisingly bad, while McKey is surprisingly good. Samantha rides the middle, as she is wont to do. From there, it's on to those beauty shots that often come off as sort of creepy. Samantha's looks a bit wooden, while Analeigh continues being Blandy McWhitebread. McKey's is lovely, and she becomes a lock for the final two. That settled, the judges cut Analeigh, aware that if she won, America would fall asleep midway through her post-victory joy.
The second half is the traditional runway show, which is very uneventful. Neither McKey nor Samantha is that good or that bad, though it's nice to see Whitney again. Both girls are roundly complimented at panel, but McKey has clearly been stronger overall, and she takes the win. I must say, I wouldn't have called it when this season began, but I'm very pleased. With McKey, that is. The show, however? It's getting duller by the season. It just may be time to snip Tyra once and for all.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
What?!?
Top Chef - Season 5, Episode 1
Previously on Top Chef: Fifteen chefs and one extremely irritating lady cooked their way through Chicago and Puerto Rico. Stephanie emerged victorious, proving once and for all that women can cook, and centuries of mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers ruling the home kitchen wasn't just some enormous fluke. Limecrete had a job that allowed him time to write blow-by-blow recaps. Now, he doesn't, and must be content with medium-length entries like this one. Boo! Oh, and seventeen chefs are starting the competition process anew in New York City. I cannot believe that they haven't done a season in Reality Show Mecca until now, but there it is. Tiffany pauses the DVR and announces that she's betting that at some point during the season, those punny producers will be sure to wedge in a challenge about apples, as they're in the Big one. The show format is the same. The prizes are the same. I hope at least the challenges and contestants are interesting. The last thing we need is a cookie-cutter season.
Opening credits. It's helpful for matching faces with names, especially when there are this many people. I'm already ready to send a bunch of them home, just so we're left with a more manageable number. Top Chef is best enjoyed in a group setting, with plenty of alcohol present. And we all know the recipe for a good drinking game is to add wine to reality show cliche and bring to a low boil. So, let's get started. Every time someone's thick accent is so unintelligible that it warrants subtitles...DRINK!
New York City. I feel like I've just gotten back, and am already looking forward to my next trip there. Fun city. Contestants begin arriving at the airport. As with several other reality show wannabes, some are there for personal validation, and some are raging narcissists. A small handful actually seem to want to use this as a learning experience to help their careers. Weirdos! Radhika's parents are from India, but don't you dare pigeonhole her into Indian cuisine. Don't you dare! Lauren refuses to sit at home and waste time while her husband fights in Iraq. And as we all know, the only way to avoid wasting time is to get yourself on a television show. Meanwhile, through the miracle of science, Howie and Tuscaloosa Joey have managed to mate and create an adult baby named Daniel, who will be making his daddies proud by following in the family tradition of competing on this show. Lauren's heart leaps when she spies Patrick, as they went to school together. Patrick's still a student and "has a lot of passion". Stefan has moved all over Europe. Richard is a big, adorable queer.
The chefs get off a ferry to meet Padma and Ptom. They blah a bit about what a harsh environment the New York culinary scene is, as Ptom knows from experience. Padma takes us into the first Quickfire Challenge, but there's a twist. The chef who finishes the Quickfire last is out. On the plus side, the eliminated chef doesn't need to worry about unpacking all that luggage. The chefs don't appreciate that bright side, and look consternated. Lauren, who has apparently never seen a reality show in her life, says she knows one of the chef coats waiting in the Kitchen is hers, and she'll "be damned" if she goes home early. Fate laughs merrily and strings her bow. The Quickfire is split into three rounds. The first round will be to peel fifteen apples with a knife. Score one for Tiffany! The first nine to finish their apples to Ptom's satisfaction will be safe, and the eight remaining chefs will move on to Round 2. Ready? Go!
Richard immediately gouges himself with the knife and bleeds all over his apples. Yum! Stefan finishes first. Other chefs follow, including a woman whose bangs don't do her any favors. It would be incredibly juvenile and idiotic to point out her unfortunately masculine features by yelling "Man!" every time she appears on-screen. So pretend I didn't do that. Jamie finishes ninth, ending Round 1. Padma informs Stefan that as the first to finish, he'll be immune in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. He gives the Standard Speech. For Round 2, the remaining chefs must brunoise two cups of the apples they've just peeled. The first four to finish successfully will be safe, and the remaining four will continue into Round 3. Ready? Go!
When the dust settles, the four losing chefs are Leah, Radhika, Patrick, and Lauren. Round 3 will be to take the diced apples and cook something worthy of deserving a spot in the competition. The chefs will have twenty minutes, and some equipment and extra ingredients have been provided. Ready? Go! Radhika, who you'd better not pigeonhole as just an Indian chef, leaps onto the idea to make apple chutney, because Indian flavors are her strength. Oh, why must you make it so easy for viewers to mock you? We need a challenge! Leah sees Radhika using pork, and opts for scallops instead, because she doesn't want to use the same protein as someone else. May I ask why? I'm not being snide; I really want to know. Surely, there must be a thousand ways to prepare pork in twenty minutes, and it's not like anybody's going to accuse her of being a copycat when there are so few ingredients available, right? Right?
Lauren throws together some fruit, lettuce, nuts, and bacon for a salad. A salad. It's hard to judge Top Chef challenge entries from home, because it's not like we can reach through the screen and taste anything. However, a good rule of thumb is that if little ol' me can easily prepare whatever the chef is making, it's not impressive enough. Patrick doesn't hear me, and puts together a simple little apple salad with yogurt dressing. He says that he's a perfectionist, so he's more about quality than speed. OK, but you're making apple salad, not Peking duck. The chefs plate up, and time runs out. Lauren presents her salad, which seriously, I could make in five minutes. Patrick puts forth his apple slaw salad, which includes cinnamon, honey, and mint. Yuck. Lauren's was too easy, but at least it'd taste good. Radhika has pan-seared some pork and topped it with her apple chutney. But she's not just an Indian chef! Leah has put forth the most impressive effort, making an apple hash to top her scallops, and putting it all on a pool of vinegar and apple juice.
The Odd Asian music and its attendant gong come early this season. Padma asks for the good news first, and it's not hard to peg Leah and Radhika as safe. So, it comes down to the salads, as it should. Patrick and Lauren clutch hands. Patrick thinks it's sad, as he's just now getting a chance to reconnect with Lauren. Don't feel bad, Patrick. Perhaps the two of you won't be separated for as long as you think. After a commercial break, Ptom announces that Patrick has squeaked by. Padma tells Lauren to pack her knives and go. The other chefs give her pity applause as she does a walk of shame to the ferry. Good-bye, Karen! I'll never forget you!
Elimination Challenge. Padma brings out the knife block, and the chefs come one at a time to draw one. Each knife has an ethnic neighborhood of New York City printed on it, and as there are two of each neighborhood, the chefs are paired off as follows:
Patrick and Daniel: Chinatown (Chinese - duh)
Ariane and Stefan: Long Island City (Middle Eastern)
Radhika and Jill: Queens (Jamaican)
Fabio and Jeff: Ozone Park (Latin)
Hosea and Carla: Brighton Beach (Russian)
Leah and Melissa: Little Italy (Italian - duh)
Richard and Jamie: Astoria (Greek)
Alex and Eugene: Little India (Indian - duh)
The challenge is to create a dish inspired by the neighborhood each chef has drawn. The two dishes of each neighborhood will be served head-to-head. An ultimate winner will be chosen from the top eight, and one of the losing eight will meet up with Lorena at the airport. With that, the chefs are dismissed to go get settled in their apartment, which is swanky. Everyone admires the view. Richard, Patrick, and Jamie quickly bond together as the gay chefs, calling themselves Team Rainbow. I'm all for the gay bonding, but "Team Rainbow" is so fruity, it's dropping blueberries. That evening, Fabio talks about how much pasta he makes, and kids about how all other Europeans are jealous of Italians. He's subtitled. DRINK! Stefan picks a fight about how a vinaigrette is a vinaigrette. No arguments here. Oh, and he's subtitled. DRINK! In his argument about how vinaigrettes are not emulsions, Stefan tells Daniel to get a life. I'm sorry, but nobody involved in a fight about vinaigrette gets to tell anyone to get a life. Ever.
The next morning, after everyone gets up and fed, they split into their pairs to go shopping in their specific neighborhoods. They've got twenty minutes and $75 to shop. Hosea doesn't know much about Russian cuisine.
Panny: "It's all fucking beets."
He's in better shape than he thinks, because his competition is Carla, who is currently informing us (with her eyes bugging out of her sockets) that she's waiting to be led by her spirit guides. Oooooooookay. Ariane knows nothing about Middle Eastern cooking, but Jeff is confident in his Latin food abilities, coming from Miami. Leah far outmatches Melissa in Italian roots. Patrick is taking a course in Asian cuisine, so he's all good. Well, sure. I took a course in art history, so I can identify what dynasty a vase came from at thirty paces. He picks up some black rice noodles, which he's never worked with before, but "can't be too bad". Fate shakes her head in disgust and pulls out another arrow. Eugene has no Indian food experience, and when he sees that the store has some food cooked and ready to go, he intelligently asks for a sample of some to try and approximate later.
The Kitchen is big, bright, and clean, and has the Top Chef logo in mosaic on the wall, which makes it look like a subway stop. I mean that as a compliment. The chefs have two hours to get their dishes ready, so they get started. Fabio jabbers about the pork he's making. We yell the titular quote at the screen. Jeff says he's got all sorts of time, so he starts on some crispy plantain. Yum. I forgot how hungry watching this show makes me. Stefan tells us he's working with lamb. Ariane, who spent the morning telling us how shy she is, now says she can't compete with Stefan's confidence, because she always second-guesses herself. I'm like that too, so you know what I don't do? Sign up for televised contests. Carla hacks her smoked fish to mush, trying to get all the bones out. She wonders aloud what will happen if the judges find some, and Hosea's like "Um, that's why I bought filets, dumbass." Guess the spirit guides didn't pass that tip along. Richard talks to himself while he cooks, while Jamie withdraws into herself. That works out well for both of them.
With thirty minutes left, Alex tells us that he's incorporating his strength in Latin food into his Indian dish, because the flavors marry well. I don't see that at all, but who am I to stand in the way of his happiness? Ariane boils some farro, but doubts she has enough time to cook it through. The black rice noodles Patrick has never used before have a gummy texture he's not happy with. The course in Asian cuisine has failed him! He starts a new batch in the hopes that he can get some he's happy with. As time winds down, Jeff realizes that none of the gazillion components to his dish have been plated. He begins running around the Kitchen like a maniac. It doesn't work, and when time runs out, he's missing a lot of his food.
Guest judge Jean-George Vongerichten comes into the Kitchen with Ptom, Padma, and Gail. Hey, Ptom didn't have a chance to Ptimewaste tonight! Yay! Padma explains the whole challenge again. I'll assume you're up to speed. Ariane and Stefan are up first. She's made crusted rack of lamb, and some farro risotto with dates and chickpeas. Stefan has a meat duo, consisting of a lamb chop with tabouli salad and a beef/onion skewer, both of which look wonderful. Jean-George asks about the spices Stefan used with a thick accent and around a mouthful of food. That means subtitle, and that means...DRINK! Gail likes Ariane's lamb, but finds the risotto woefully undercooked. Jean-George roundly compliments Stefan's dish. At least that's what the subtitles would lead me to believe. DRINK! Ptom liked his use of cinnamon, and he's the clear winner of the duo.
Richard and Jamie come up for judging. Richard loses some points with me by rhapsodizing over how dreamy Ptom is. Bleh. He's not bad-looking, but his personality has long since invalidated his appearance. Richard has made a lamb burger and an orzo/feta pasta salad. Jamie has made a deconstructed Greek salad of eggplant puree, seared bass, and a small salad made with arugula and olives. There is an audible crunch when Ptom takes a bite of the burger. Ew. The judges don't like how Richard has overcooked the lamb, even if it was intentional. Jamie takes the round. Radhika and Jill approach with their Jamaican dishes. Jill has made plantain fritters crusted with macadamia nuts and jerk-spiced scallops. They are served on a bed of three colorful sauces, each of which form a circular pool. It's quite pretty. Radhika has made jerk-rubbed halibut and served it with mango salad on three bean rice. Yes, because rice is so very Jamaican. Not Indian at all! Don't pigeonhole her! Jean-George says (DRINK!) that Radhika's fish and rice are too soft to be served together, and Jill wins.
Jeff and Fabio. I'm not even going to attempt to decipher everything Fabio says, but the gist is that his Latin dish is a pork chop with a mango and jalapeno demi-glace, and a mushroom/avocado salad on the side. It looks awful. Jeff has made coffee-seared pork tenderloin, with smoke plantain, black beans, and rice on the side. Now that I could get into. Ptom prefers Fabio's dish, but he's outvoted by Jean-George (DRINK!) and Padma. I assume Gail went for Jeff's too. Hosea and Carla. Hosea, who I have to admit thinking is kind of hot, wins me over even further by presenting a trio of smoked fish and caviar I want to dive through the screen and devour. Carla has made smoked trout and wild salmon cake, and served them on top of potato latkes. Huh. I like all those things, but I wouldn't put them together. Hosea is told that he executed his dish with "culinary eloquence", and he takes the round.
Leah and Melissa. Like Ariane, Leah has made a farro risotto, but has served hers with red snapper and mushrooms. Melissa has seared rib eye steak on tomato sauce, and has dumped a bunch of arugula and fried mushrooms on top. It looks like bar food. The judges' issue is more that Melissa's lacked salt and pepper, and Leah wins. Daniel and Patrick. Daniel has whipped up a ginger-poached chicken salad with bok choy, shiitake mushrooms, and fried wontons. Well, that didn't take long. The subtitles of Daniel's dish gives us the season's first example of the Reliably Shitty Titles Department. I've taken the liberty of correcting their spelling here, which I generally have to do a lot. Like, embarrassingly so. Not just spelling. Their grammar and identification skills suck too.
Anyhoo, Daniel's food looks very tasty. Patrick has made seared salmon on bok choy with ginger/garlic scallion on a bed of the black rice noodles. I don't mean to harp on the simplicity of Patrick's dishes, but the fact that he's still a culinary student really stands out. He is completely out of his league here. His Quickfire was a basic salad, and this is fish on noodles. Anyone with a modicum of cooking skill could do this. The judges don't like the texture of the black rice noodles, and don't find a lot of Chinese flavors in the dish. Daniel's isn't very popular either, as it's messy and unoriginal. However, it was more flavorful than Patrick's, and that's enough to win the round. Alex and Eugene. Alex has grilled lamb chops, which are served alongside a spicy ragout and rest on a bed of basmati rice. The lamb looks overdone to me. Eugene has made rack of lamb rubbed with masala (a mixture of spices), served with basmati rice and tzatziki. I always thought of tzatziki as Greek, not Indian. Padma informs Eugene that he's accidentally created curds and rice, not tzatziki. Luckily for him, that is very Indian, and he's done it very well, so he wins the round.
Ptom thinks the overall level of the dishes was very good. I don't know, a lot of those looked either overly simple or were a glut of traditional ingredients thrown into a heap. That's understandable on the first challenge, but let's not pretend that things like a lamb burger are terribly exciting. Jean-George garbles something which is helpfully subtitled to indicate that he's pleased. DRINK! Nobody's dish was out-and-out awful, but Patrick's was certainly the work of an amateur, Radhika's textures were off, and Ariane's farro was raw. The judges reach an agreement. After the commercials, Padma summons Stefan, Eugene, Leah, Patrick, and Ariane to Judges' Table. The Odd Asian music and the gong have a union contract stating that after they show up in an episode, they can knock off for the day, and have gone home.
The judges start with the winners. Leah has captured the spirit of modern Italian cooking. Stefan has made a complicated dish look simple. Jean-George says something about lemon and couscous. What?!? I don't look at the television screen as I type, and he is just impossible without the subtitles. DRINK! Eugene has fallen backwards into a great Indian dish. Padma seriously intones the tradition that in all but one season (Season 3), the person who has won the first Elimination Challenge has won the whole season. The person under that pressure this time is... Stefan, who has taken the rare double win. Stefan says that it would be great for a European to win Top Chef, complaining that only Americans have won this game produced by Americans that takes place in America. It's times like these that I bemoan the lack of culinary opportunity in Europe. They just have no appreciation for food over there!
The winners leave Judges' Table. Ariane is asked how her dish came about, and she says she looked around the store, and just bought what there seemed to be the most of, guessing that those ingredients would be popular. That is a terrible answer. Her undercooked farro is brought up, and Ptom says that cooking grains properly is a basic skill chefs need to understand. Both Ariane and Patrick's dishes lacked inspiration. Patrick says he wanted to present clean flavors ("clean" is often code for "ridiculously easy"), and Ptom nails it by saying that his food was like a cliche of Chinese food, rather than actual food one would eat in Chinatown. Ptom says that both losing dishes prove that chefs need to get out of their comfort zones. That's all well and good, but you can't know everything. People need to specialize. Would you slam your dentist for not knowing how to deliver a baby? After some more grousing in this vein, Ariane loses her patience and points out that that's why people have cookbooks. Another terrible answer. True, but terrible. Ptom whines that people learn to cook through experience, not book-learning. Frankly, I think both are important.
Both chefs are asked why they should stay. Ariane has "a lot to give". Patrick is "driven by [his] passion". More terrible answers! Passion doesn't equate to talent. Wanting something is not the same as deserving it. Padma dismisses the chefs. Deliberations. Ptom says that Patrick is still a student, but the competition is a level playing field. Well, then maybe pitting a culinary student against executive chefs who have lived and worked in multiple countries wasn't the best idea. The judges say he lacked inspiration and doesn't have the ability to think on the fly. Patrick is busy telling the other chefs that he wants to share his passion with them and the world. All right, I feel bad for how badly this kid is outmatched. But enough with the friggin' passion, already. The judges say Ariane should have known better. Jean-George: "Bkelreljleryjhbje." What?!? Ptom thinks she lacks a basic cooking skill. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Ptom tries to find something good to say about an established chef being evenly matched against a relative upstart, and winds up insulting them both. Ariane's inspiration was good, but her technique was off. Patrick's was executed well, but had no inspiration. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chopping. Patrick. Please pack your knives and go. Jeez, whoever taught him and Laurel needs to turn in their teaching certificate now. The judges wish him luck. This is kind of sad, and not in the emotional way. More of the discomfort-of-seeing-someone-so-clearly-set-up-to-fail way. He gets a group hug back in the Kitchen, and shrugs that he's got his whole career ahead of him. That's true. He had no chance of winning this, but that doesn't speak to a lack of skill; just a lack of experience. That's cheering.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Fire. Cursing. Fights. Tonight's hints of Stefan's arrogance and douchebaggery come to fruition. Martha Stewart. Crazy Carla. Bad food. Crying. So... Standard issue, I guess.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: Fifteen chefs and one extremely irritating lady cooked their way through Chicago and Puerto Rico. Stephanie emerged victorious, proving once and for all that women can cook, and centuries of mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers ruling the home kitchen wasn't just some enormous fluke. Limecrete had a job that allowed him time to write blow-by-blow recaps. Now, he doesn't, and must be content with medium-length entries like this one. Boo! Oh, and seventeen chefs are starting the competition process anew in New York City. I cannot believe that they haven't done a season in Reality Show Mecca until now, but there it is. Tiffany pauses the DVR and announces that she's betting that at some point during the season, those punny producers will be sure to wedge in a challenge about apples, as they're in the Big one. The show format is the same. The prizes are the same. I hope at least the challenges and contestants are interesting. The last thing we need is a cookie-cutter season.
Opening credits. It's helpful for matching faces with names, especially when there are this many people. I'm already ready to send a bunch of them home, just so we're left with a more manageable number. Top Chef is best enjoyed in a group setting, with plenty of alcohol present. And we all know the recipe for a good drinking game is to add wine to reality show cliche and bring to a low boil. So, let's get started. Every time someone's thick accent is so unintelligible that it warrants subtitles...DRINK!
New York City. I feel like I've just gotten back, and am already looking forward to my next trip there. Fun city. Contestants begin arriving at the airport. As with several other reality show wannabes, some are there for personal validation, and some are raging narcissists. A small handful actually seem to want to use this as a learning experience to help their careers. Weirdos! Radhika's parents are from India, but don't you dare pigeonhole her into Indian cuisine. Don't you dare! Lauren refuses to sit at home and waste time while her husband fights in Iraq. And as we all know, the only way to avoid wasting time is to get yourself on a television show. Meanwhile, through the miracle of science, Howie and Tuscaloosa Joey have managed to mate and create an adult baby named Daniel, who will be making his daddies proud by following in the family tradition of competing on this show. Lauren's heart leaps when she spies Patrick, as they went to school together. Patrick's still a student and "has a lot of passion". Stefan has moved all over Europe. Richard is a big, adorable queer.
The chefs get off a ferry to meet Padma and Ptom. They blah a bit about what a harsh environment the New York culinary scene is, as Ptom knows from experience. Padma takes us into the first Quickfire Challenge, but there's a twist. The chef who finishes the Quickfire last is out. On the plus side, the eliminated chef doesn't need to worry about unpacking all that luggage. The chefs don't appreciate that bright side, and look consternated. Lauren, who has apparently never seen a reality show in her life, says she knows one of the chef coats waiting in the Kitchen is hers, and she'll "be damned" if she goes home early. Fate laughs merrily and strings her bow. The Quickfire is split into three rounds. The first round will be to peel fifteen apples with a knife. Score one for Tiffany! The first nine to finish their apples to Ptom's satisfaction will be safe, and the eight remaining chefs will move on to Round 2. Ready? Go!
Richard immediately gouges himself with the knife and bleeds all over his apples. Yum! Stefan finishes first. Other chefs follow, including a woman whose bangs don't do her any favors. It would be incredibly juvenile and idiotic to point out her unfortunately masculine features by yelling "Man!" every time she appears on-screen. So pretend I didn't do that. Jamie finishes ninth, ending Round 1. Padma informs Stefan that as the first to finish, he'll be immune in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. He gives the Standard Speech. For Round 2, the remaining chefs must brunoise two cups of the apples they've just peeled. The first four to finish successfully will be safe, and the remaining four will continue into Round 3. Ready? Go!
When the dust settles, the four losing chefs are Leah, Radhika, Patrick, and Lauren. Round 3 will be to take the diced apples and cook something worthy of deserving a spot in the competition. The chefs will have twenty minutes, and some equipment and extra ingredients have been provided. Ready? Go! Radhika, who you'd better not pigeonhole as just an Indian chef, leaps onto the idea to make apple chutney, because Indian flavors are her strength. Oh, why must you make it so easy for viewers to mock you? We need a challenge! Leah sees Radhika using pork, and opts for scallops instead, because she doesn't want to use the same protein as someone else. May I ask why? I'm not being snide; I really want to know. Surely, there must be a thousand ways to prepare pork in twenty minutes, and it's not like anybody's going to accuse her of being a copycat when there are so few ingredients available, right? Right?
Lauren throws together some fruit, lettuce, nuts, and bacon for a salad. A salad. It's hard to judge Top Chef challenge entries from home, because it's not like we can reach through the screen and taste anything. However, a good rule of thumb is that if little ol' me can easily prepare whatever the chef is making, it's not impressive enough. Patrick doesn't hear me, and puts together a simple little apple salad with yogurt dressing. He says that he's a perfectionist, so he's more about quality than speed. OK, but you're making apple salad, not Peking duck. The chefs plate up, and time runs out. Lauren presents her salad, which seriously, I could make in five minutes. Patrick puts forth his apple slaw salad, which includes cinnamon, honey, and mint. Yuck. Lauren's was too easy, but at least it'd taste good. Radhika has pan-seared some pork and topped it with her apple chutney. But she's not just an Indian chef! Leah has put forth the most impressive effort, making an apple hash to top her scallops, and putting it all on a pool of vinegar and apple juice.
The Odd Asian music and its attendant gong come early this season. Padma asks for the good news first, and it's not hard to peg Leah and Radhika as safe. So, it comes down to the salads, as it should. Patrick and Lauren clutch hands. Patrick thinks it's sad, as he's just now getting a chance to reconnect with Lauren. Don't feel bad, Patrick. Perhaps the two of you won't be separated for as long as you think. After a commercial break, Ptom announces that Patrick has squeaked by. Padma tells Lauren to pack her knives and go. The other chefs give her pity applause as she does a walk of shame to the ferry. Good-bye, Karen! I'll never forget you!
Elimination Challenge. Padma brings out the knife block, and the chefs come one at a time to draw one. Each knife has an ethnic neighborhood of New York City printed on it, and as there are two of each neighborhood, the chefs are paired off as follows:
Patrick and Daniel: Chinatown (Chinese - duh)
Ariane and Stefan: Long Island City (Middle Eastern)
Radhika and Jill: Queens (Jamaican)
Fabio and Jeff: Ozone Park (Latin)
Hosea and Carla: Brighton Beach (Russian)
Leah and Melissa: Little Italy (Italian - duh)
Richard and Jamie: Astoria (Greek)
Alex and Eugene: Little India (Indian - duh)
The challenge is to create a dish inspired by the neighborhood each chef has drawn. The two dishes of each neighborhood will be served head-to-head. An ultimate winner will be chosen from the top eight, and one of the losing eight will meet up with Lorena at the airport. With that, the chefs are dismissed to go get settled in their apartment, which is swanky. Everyone admires the view. Richard, Patrick, and Jamie quickly bond together as the gay chefs, calling themselves Team Rainbow. I'm all for the gay bonding, but "Team Rainbow" is so fruity, it's dropping blueberries. That evening, Fabio talks about how much pasta he makes, and kids about how all other Europeans are jealous of Italians. He's subtitled. DRINK! Stefan picks a fight about how a vinaigrette is a vinaigrette. No arguments here. Oh, and he's subtitled. DRINK! In his argument about how vinaigrettes are not emulsions, Stefan tells Daniel to get a life. I'm sorry, but nobody involved in a fight about vinaigrette gets to tell anyone to get a life. Ever.
The next morning, after everyone gets up and fed, they split into their pairs to go shopping in their specific neighborhoods. They've got twenty minutes and $75 to shop. Hosea doesn't know much about Russian cuisine.
Panny: "It's all fucking beets."
He's in better shape than he thinks, because his competition is Carla, who is currently informing us (with her eyes bugging out of her sockets) that she's waiting to be led by her spirit guides. Oooooooookay. Ariane knows nothing about Middle Eastern cooking, but Jeff is confident in his Latin food abilities, coming from Miami. Leah far outmatches Melissa in Italian roots. Patrick is taking a course in Asian cuisine, so he's all good. Well, sure. I took a course in art history, so I can identify what dynasty a vase came from at thirty paces. He picks up some black rice noodles, which he's never worked with before, but "can't be too bad". Fate shakes her head in disgust and pulls out another arrow. Eugene has no Indian food experience, and when he sees that the store has some food cooked and ready to go, he intelligently asks for a sample of some to try and approximate later.
The Kitchen is big, bright, and clean, and has the Top Chef logo in mosaic on the wall, which makes it look like a subway stop. I mean that as a compliment. The chefs have two hours to get their dishes ready, so they get started. Fabio jabbers about the pork he's making. We yell the titular quote at the screen. Jeff says he's got all sorts of time, so he starts on some crispy plantain. Yum. I forgot how hungry watching this show makes me. Stefan tells us he's working with lamb. Ariane, who spent the morning telling us how shy she is, now says she can't compete with Stefan's confidence, because she always second-guesses herself. I'm like that too, so you know what I don't do? Sign up for televised contests. Carla hacks her smoked fish to mush, trying to get all the bones out. She wonders aloud what will happen if the judges find some, and Hosea's like "Um, that's why I bought filets, dumbass." Guess the spirit guides didn't pass that tip along. Richard talks to himself while he cooks, while Jamie withdraws into herself. That works out well for both of them.
With thirty minutes left, Alex tells us that he's incorporating his strength in Latin food into his Indian dish, because the flavors marry well. I don't see that at all, but who am I to stand in the way of his happiness? Ariane boils some farro, but doubts she has enough time to cook it through. The black rice noodles Patrick has never used before have a gummy texture he's not happy with. The course in Asian cuisine has failed him! He starts a new batch in the hopes that he can get some he's happy with. As time winds down, Jeff realizes that none of the gazillion components to his dish have been plated. He begins running around the Kitchen like a maniac. It doesn't work, and when time runs out, he's missing a lot of his food.
Guest judge Jean-George Vongerichten comes into the Kitchen with Ptom, Padma, and Gail. Hey, Ptom didn't have a chance to Ptimewaste tonight! Yay! Padma explains the whole challenge again. I'll assume you're up to speed. Ariane and Stefan are up first. She's made crusted rack of lamb, and some farro risotto with dates and chickpeas. Stefan has a meat duo, consisting of a lamb chop with tabouli salad and a beef/onion skewer, both of which look wonderful. Jean-George asks about the spices Stefan used with a thick accent and around a mouthful of food. That means subtitle, and that means...DRINK! Gail likes Ariane's lamb, but finds the risotto woefully undercooked. Jean-George roundly compliments Stefan's dish. At least that's what the subtitles would lead me to believe. DRINK! Ptom liked his use of cinnamon, and he's the clear winner of the duo.
Richard and Jamie come up for judging. Richard loses some points with me by rhapsodizing over how dreamy Ptom is. Bleh. He's not bad-looking, but his personality has long since invalidated his appearance. Richard has made a lamb burger and an orzo/feta pasta salad. Jamie has made a deconstructed Greek salad of eggplant puree, seared bass, and a small salad made with arugula and olives. There is an audible crunch when Ptom takes a bite of the burger. Ew. The judges don't like how Richard has overcooked the lamb, even if it was intentional. Jamie takes the round. Radhika and Jill approach with their Jamaican dishes. Jill has made plantain fritters crusted with macadamia nuts and jerk-spiced scallops. They are served on a bed of three colorful sauces, each of which form a circular pool. It's quite pretty. Radhika has made jerk-rubbed halibut and served it with mango salad on three bean rice. Yes, because rice is so very Jamaican. Not Indian at all! Don't pigeonhole her! Jean-George says (DRINK!) that Radhika's fish and rice are too soft to be served together, and Jill wins.
Jeff and Fabio. I'm not even going to attempt to decipher everything Fabio says, but the gist is that his Latin dish is a pork chop with a mango and jalapeno demi-glace, and a mushroom/avocado salad on the side. It looks awful. Jeff has made coffee-seared pork tenderloin, with smoke plantain, black beans, and rice on the side. Now that I could get into. Ptom prefers Fabio's dish, but he's outvoted by Jean-George (DRINK!) and Padma. I assume Gail went for Jeff's too. Hosea and Carla. Hosea, who I have to admit thinking is kind of hot, wins me over even further by presenting a trio of smoked fish and caviar I want to dive through the screen and devour. Carla has made smoked trout and wild salmon cake, and served them on top of potato latkes. Huh. I like all those things, but I wouldn't put them together. Hosea is told that he executed his dish with "culinary eloquence", and he takes the round.
Leah and Melissa. Like Ariane, Leah has made a farro risotto, but has served hers with red snapper and mushrooms. Melissa has seared rib eye steak on tomato sauce, and has dumped a bunch of arugula and fried mushrooms on top. It looks like bar food. The judges' issue is more that Melissa's lacked salt and pepper, and Leah wins. Daniel and Patrick. Daniel has whipped up a ginger-poached chicken salad with bok choy, shiitake mushrooms, and fried wontons. Well, that didn't take long. The subtitles of Daniel's dish gives us the season's first example of the Reliably Shitty Titles Department. I've taken the liberty of correcting their spelling here, which I generally have to do a lot. Like, embarrassingly so. Not just spelling. Their grammar and identification skills suck too.
Anyhoo, Daniel's food looks very tasty. Patrick has made seared salmon on bok choy with ginger/garlic scallion on a bed of the black rice noodles. I don't mean to harp on the simplicity of Patrick's dishes, but the fact that he's still a culinary student really stands out. He is completely out of his league here. His Quickfire was a basic salad, and this is fish on noodles. Anyone with a modicum of cooking skill could do this. The judges don't like the texture of the black rice noodles, and don't find a lot of Chinese flavors in the dish. Daniel's isn't very popular either, as it's messy and unoriginal. However, it was more flavorful than Patrick's, and that's enough to win the round. Alex and Eugene. Alex has grilled lamb chops, which are served alongside a spicy ragout and rest on a bed of basmati rice. The lamb looks overdone to me. Eugene has made rack of lamb rubbed with masala (a mixture of spices), served with basmati rice and tzatziki. I always thought of tzatziki as Greek, not Indian. Padma informs Eugene that he's accidentally created curds and rice, not tzatziki. Luckily for him, that is very Indian, and he's done it very well, so he wins the round.
Ptom thinks the overall level of the dishes was very good. I don't know, a lot of those looked either overly simple or were a glut of traditional ingredients thrown into a heap. That's understandable on the first challenge, but let's not pretend that things like a lamb burger are terribly exciting. Jean-George garbles something which is helpfully subtitled to indicate that he's pleased. DRINK! Nobody's dish was out-and-out awful, but Patrick's was certainly the work of an amateur, Radhika's textures were off, and Ariane's farro was raw. The judges reach an agreement. After the commercials, Padma summons Stefan, Eugene, Leah, Patrick, and Ariane to Judges' Table. The Odd Asian music and the gong have a union contract stating that after they show up in an episode, they can knock off for the day, and have gone home.
The judges start with the winners. Leah has captured the spirit of modern Italian cooking. Stefan has made a complicated dish look simple. Jean-George says something about lemon and couscous. What?!? I don't look at the television screen as I type, and he is just impossible without the subtitles. DRINK! Eugene has fallen backwards into a great Indian dish. Padma seriously intones the tradition that in all but one season (Season 3), the person who has won the first Elimination Challenge has won the whole season. The person under that pressure this time is... Stefan, who has taken the rare double win. Stefan says that it would be great for a European to win Top Chef, complaining that only Americans have won this game produced by Americans that takes place in America. It's times like these that I bemoan the lack of culinary opportunity in Europe. They just have no appreciation for food over there!
The winners leave Judges' Table. Ariane is asked how her dish came about, and she says she looked around the store, and just bought what there seemed to be the most of, guessing that those ingredients would be popular. That is a terrible answer. Her undercooked farro is brought up, and Ptom says that cooking grains properly is a basic skill chefs need to understand. Both Ariane and Patrick's dishes lacked inspiration. Patrick says he wanted to present clean flavors ("clean" is often code for "ridiculously easy"), and Ptom nails it by saying that his food was like a cliche of Chinese food, rather than actual food one would eat in Chinatown. Ptom says that both losing dishes prove that chefs need to get out of their comfort zones. That's all well and good, but you can't know everything. People need to specialize. Would you slam your dentist for not knowing how to deliver a baby? After some more grousing in this vein, Ariane loses her patience and points out that that's why people have cookbooks. Another terrible answer. True, but terrible. Ptom whines that people learn to cook through experience, not book-learning. Frankly, I think both are important.
Both chefs are asked why they should stay. Ariane has "a lot to give". Patrick is "driven by [his] passion". More terrible answers! Passion doesn't equate to talent. Wanting something is not the same as deserving it. Padma dismisses the chefs. Deliberations. Ptom says that Patrick is still a student, but the competition is a level playing field. Well, then maybe pitting a culinary student against executive chefs who have lived and worked in multiple countries wasn't the best idea. The judges say he lacked inspiration and doesn't have the ability to think on the fly. Patrick is busy telling the other chefs that he wants to share his passion with them and the world. All right, I feel bad for how badly this kid is outmatched. But enough with the friggin' passion, already. The judges say Ariane should have known better. Jean-George: "Bkelreljleryjhbje." What?!? Ptom thinks she lacks a basic cooking skill. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Ptom tries to find something good to say about an established chef being evenly matched against a relative upstart, and winds up insulting them both. Ariane's inspiration was good, but her technique was off. Patrick's was executed well, but had no inspiration. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chopping. Patrick. Please pack your knives and go. Jeez, whoever taught him and Laurel needs to turn in their teaching certificate now. The judges wish him luck. This is kind of sad, and not in the emotional way. More of the discomfort-of-seeing-someone-so-clearly-set-up-to-fail way. He gets a group hug back in the Kitchen, and shrugs that he's got his whole career ahead of him. That's true. He had no chance of winning this, but that doesn't speak to a lack of skill; just a lack of experience. That's cheering.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Fire. Cursing. Fights. Tonight's hints of Stefan's arrogance and douchebaggery come to fruition. Martha Stewart. Crazy Carla. Bad food. Crying. So... Standard issue, I guess.
Overall Grade: B
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I'm Like an Angry Cow
The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 8
Tonight, the teams jet out of India, and connect in oddly out of the way cities to get to Almaty, Kazakhstan. Though they do their best to play up the airport ticket-buying drama, along with more off-putting flirting between Dallas and Starr, all the flights get into Almaty in the middle of the night, where they'll obviously be equalized by hours of operation somewhere. So everyone's tied again going into the Roadblock, which requires the chosen team member to find a golden egg hidden somewhere in a vast sea of chickens. Nobody seems to get that they could find one in about two seconds if they just gave the hens a good scare, and treat them more politely than they generally treat taxi drivers. The second Fast Forward is also located here, and both Nick/Starr and Terence/Sarah go for it, over Sarah's objections. The task is to eat a bowl of meat and butt fat, which is nowhere near as extreme as previous Fast Forward tasks, but it manages to kick Terence's vegetarian ass. So, Terence and Sarah have to drag themselves back to the Roadblock, firmly ensconced in last place.
From the chicken coop, teams direct a crane truck to the Koktobe Arch to meet up with a Mongol warrior. Why a crane truck? I have no earthly idea. It doesn't figure into the episode at all. Once at the warrior, a hawk flies in with the next clue, which is super-cool. The Detour asks teams to decide between learning how to play local musical instruments or dressing up like a cow. You can guess which one becomes the unanimous choice with this crew. Dallas and Toni easily moo through in great spirits to come into the mat as team number two, behind the Fast Forwarded Nick and Starr. Ken and Tina lose some time because they refuse to read their clue carefully, and thus screw up the Detour. Luckily for them, the Fratties are reliably incompetent. After having the gall to indulge in a nasty bit of Ugly Americanism by being angry with people who insist on speaking their native language in their native country, the Fratties have an issue with their own native tongue. Though the clue says to make their way to the pitstop on foot, they grab a cab. Phil sends them back to walk it, and Dan -- surprise!! -- whines that he can't believe that he may get eliminated for something so stupid. I guess all the beer at those frat parties has atrophied his memory.
Despite their Detour issues, Ken and Tina manage a third-place finish, and though the Fratties continue to flail, they also continue to make it in just under the wire. The human anchor that is Terence has dragged Sarah down for the last time, and the couple is eliminated, whereupon Sarah says that the race has done wonders for their relationship. I really hope what she means by that is she's realized she can do a lot better.
Overall Grade: B-
Tonight, the teams jet out of India, and connect in oddly out of the way cities to get to Almaty, Kazakhstan. Though they do their best to play up the airport ticket-buying drama, along with more off-putting flirting between Dallas and Starr, all the flights get into Almaty in the middle of the night, where they'll obviously be equalized by hours of operation somewhere. So everyone's tied again going into the Roadblock, which requires the chosen team member to find a golden egg hidden somewhere in a vast sea of chickens. Nobody seems to get that they could find one in about two seconds if they just gave the hens a good scare, and treat them more politely than they generally treat taxi drivers. The second Fast Forward is also located here, and both Nick/Starr and Terence/Sarah go for it, over Sarah's objections. The task is to eat a bowl of meat and butt fat, which is nowhere near as extreme as previous Fast Forward tasks, but it manages to kick Terence's vegetarian ass. So, Terence and Sarah have to drag themselves back to the Roadblock, firmly ensconced in last place.
From the chicken coop, teams direct a crane truck to the Koktobe Arch to meet up with a Mongol warrior. Why a crane truck? I have no earthly idea. It doesn't figure into the episode at all. Once at the warrior, a hawk flies in with the next clue, which is super-cool. The Detour asks teams to decide between learning how to play local musical instruments or dressing up like a cow. You can guess which one becomes the unanimous choice with this crew. Dallas and Toni easily moo through in great spirits to come into the mat as team number two, behind the Fast Forwarded Nick and Starr. Ken and Tina lose some time because they refuse to read their clue carefully, and thus screw up the Detour. Luckily for them, the Fratties are reliably incompetent. After having the gall to indulge in a nasty bit of Ugly Americanism by being angry with people who insist on speaking their native language in their native country, the Fratties have an issue with their own native tongue. Though the clue says to make their way to the pitstop on foot, they grab a cab. Phil sends them back to walk it, and Dan -- surprise!! -- whines that he can't believe that he may get eliminated for something so stupid. I guess all the beer at those frat parties has atrophied his memory.
Despite their Detour issues, Ken and Tina manage a third-place finish, and though the Fratties continue to flail, they also continue to make it in just under the wire. The human anchor that is Terence has dragged Sarah down for the last time, and the couple is eliminated, whereupon Sarah says that the race has done wonders for their relationship. I really hope what she means by that is she's realized she can do a lot better.
Overall Grade: B-
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
In Vino Veri-ta-tas
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 10
Marjorie, heavy with the knowledge that the judges have had it up to their ugly bling with her nerve fits, vows to relax and enjoy every moment from here on out. Unfortunately, the only way she can relax is by getting blitzed.
First, though, Paulina gives a teach about wordless acting, which is an unusually pertinent topic to cover for this show, but is also boring as shit to watch. It's set up for the later challenge, in which the girls must silently run on a treadmill while flirting with a male model, then kiss him and run away. Paulina and some other random judge nod solemnly through all the performances, even though all the girls' acting faces the audience (us), and the judges just see the back of their heads. In any event, all four of them do better than expected, with Marjorie taking the prize for her natural demeanor. She and Analeigh split a shopping spree at a bland store that the show unsuccessfully tries to play up as trendy.
Back at the pad, the girls invite the guys who drove their boats around to the go-sees up for a party. Marjorie gets wasted and hops in the tub with one of them (fully-clothed), and Analeigh acts like Marjorie's one step away from doing a bump of coke off his ass and jumping out the window. The party becomes unfun in a hurry, and Samantha and McKey display some more awesomeness by kicking the guys out.
The photo shoot is boring, and just features the girls looking like replicants, standing in front of a windmill. McKey is reliably good, and Analeigh continues doing quite well while simultaneously putting me to sleep. Samantha starts off extremely rocky, but manages to pull it together for her last frames. Marjorie is terrible. In her determination to hold her nerves in check, she winds up looking stiff and awkward. Though Tyra would dearly love to eliminate Samantha, the judges simply can't overlook the fact that her photo is so superior to Marjorie's, and Marjorie gets the boot. Guess she should have stuck with her nerve meltdowns, after all.
Overall Grade: B-
Marjorie, heavy with the knowledge that the judges have had it up to their ugly bling with her nerve fits, vows to relax and enjoy every moment from here on out. Unfortunately, the only way she can relax is by getting blitzed.
First, though, Paulina gives a teach about wordless acting, which is an unusually pertinent topic to cover for this show, but is also boring as shit to watch. It's set up for the later challenge, in which the girls must silently run on a treadmill while flirting with a male model, then kiss him and run away. Paulina and some other random judge nod solemnly through all the performances, even though all the girls' acting faces the audience (us), and the judges just see the back of their heads. In any event, all four of them do better than expected, with Marjorie taking the prize for her natural demeanor. She and Analeigh split a shopping spree at a bland store that the show unsuccessfully tries to play up as trendy.
Back at the pad, the girls invite the guys who drove their boats around to the go-sees up for a party. Marjorie gets wasted and hops in the tub with one of them (fully-clothed), and Analeigh acts like Marjorie's one step away from doing a bump of coke off his ass and jumping out the window. The party becomes unfun in a hurry, and Samantha and McKey display some more awesomeness by kicking the guys out.
The photo shoot is boring, and just features the girls looking like replicants, standing in front of a windmill. McKey is reliably good, and Analeigh continues doing quite well while simultaneously putting me to sleep. Samantha starts off extremely rocky, but manages to pull it together for her last frames. Marjorie is terrible. In her determination to hold her nerves in check, she winds up looking stiff and awkward. Though Tyra would dearly love to eliminate Samantha, the judges simply can't overlook the fact that her photo is so superior to Marjorie's, and Marjorie gets the boot. Guess she should have stuck with her nerve meltdowns, after all.
Overall Grade: B-
Sunday, November 09, 2008
My Nose is On Fire
The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 7
What a shame. Just when I make the final decision to give up on long recaps for this season, as it's too much of a time drain, and there's nobody to really root for except Toni and Dallas, they throw a really good episode our way.
The teams stay in India, the better to watch the crushing tides of humanity wear on their sanity. First, they're off to the Roadblock, which is shaping up to be the best task each week. In this case, the chosen team member has to go to a ladder, climb up it, and comb through a bunch of fake clues in order to find a real one. Sound simple? That may be because I failed to mention that the team member is doing all this while being pelted with colored powder and jets of dye. Starr and Dallas make it through all right, but the natives get restless after that, and all further Roadblockers (and in many cases, their waiting partners) get absolutely annihilated. Kelly and Christy, perky and confident after coming in second last week, quickly drop several places when Kelly can't withstand the barrage of paint.
From the Roadblock, it's off to a bird hospital, where teams hunt through the cages for the Detour clue. This is also where Ken and Tina meet their Speed Bump, which requires them to go serve holy water to any pedestrian who wants it. The Detour is a fairly complex choice, asking teams to choose between spotting small numbered tags on a web of power lines, or grinding up a bunch of chili powder, which assaults all the senses except possibly hearing. That's too bad for Sarah, as she'd probably welcome deafness to escape from Terence's constant nagging. All the other teams go for the power lines. Nick/Starr/Toni/Dallas decide to work together, with the result that they speed through it, and come to the mat as teams one and two, respectively. Terence and Sarah recover from their chili pain to come in third. As I always like to see, the power line task handily shuffles the dumbest teams to the back of the pack. The Fratties and Kelly/Christy have real issues with the whole "power line" part of the clue, and just write down every number they come across, which befuddles them in a hurry.
They're so bad at it that Ken and Tina spring back from the Speed Bump and pass both of them. Though not my favorite people on the planet, Ken and Tina are no dummies, and actually get out of their taxi for a few minutes in order to clear traffic by hand. Impressive. They deserve to stay in the race, and do, getting to the mat in fourth place, green hair and all. That leaves it as a race between the Fratties and Kelly/Christy. Though the Fratties ask the ladies if they'd like to work together, they're snootily dismissed. Fine, then. The Fratties work out the numbers and pass Kelly and Christy, dooming the latter to elimination. It's about damn time. I haven't been so happy to see such damn prisses get their comeuppance since... Well, since last Tuesday.
Overall Grade: B+
What a shame. Just when I make the final decision to give up on long recaps for this season, as it's too much of a time drain, and there's nobody to really root for except Toni and Dallas, they throw a really good episode our way.
The teams stay in India, the better to watch the crushing tides of humanity wear on their sanity. First, they're off to the Roadblock, which is shaping up to be the best task each week. In this case, the chosen team member has to go to a ladder, climb up it, and comb through a bunch of fake clues in order to find a real one. Sound simple? That may be because I failed to mention that the team member is doing all this while being pelted with colored powder and jets of dye. Starr and Dallas make it through all right, but the natives get restless after that, and all further Roadblockers (and in many cases, their waiting partners) get absolutely annihilated. Kelly and Christy, perky and confident after coming in second last week, quickly drop several places when Kelly can't withstand the barrage of paint.
From the Roadblock, it's off to a bird hospital, where teams hunt through the cages for the Detour clue. This is also where Ken and Tina meet their Speed Bump, which requires them to go serve holy water to any pedestrian who wants it. The Detour is a fairly complex choice, asking teams to choose between spotting small numbered tags on a web of power lines, or grinding up a bunch of chili powder, which assaults all the senses except possibly hearing. That's too bad for Sarah, as she'd probably welcome deafness to escape from Terence's constant nagging. All the other teams go for the power lines. Nick/Starr/Toni/Dallas decide to work together, with the result that they speed through it, and come to the mat as teams one and two, respectively. Terence and Sarah recover from their chili pain to come in third. As I always like to see, the power line task handily shuffles the dumbest teams to the back of the pack. The Fratties and Kelly/Christy have real issues with the whole "power line" part of the clue, and just write down every number they come across, which befuddles them in a hurry.
They're so bad at it that Ken and Tina spring back from the Speed Bump and pass both of them. Though not my favorite people on the planet, Ken and Tina are no dummies, and actually get out of their taxi for a few minutes in order to clear traffic by hand. Impressive. They deserve to stay in the race, and do, getting to the mat in fourth place, green hair and all. That leaves it as a race between the Fratties and Kelly/Christy. Though the Fratties ask the ladies if they'd like to work together, they're snootily dismissed. Fine, then. The Fratties work out the numbers and pass Kelly and Christy, dooming the latter to elimination. It's about damn time. I haven't been so happy to see such damn prisses get their comeuppance since... Well, since last Tuesday.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Come See About Me
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 9
It's time for the traditional go-see episode. Also traditional is the one or more girls that don't make it back on time, and get disqualified. You'd think after ten seasons of this show, the girls would make getting back to home base on time their number one priority. Well, think again. Samantha is fairly well-received by the designers, though they feel she's too commercial to work a runway. Everyone likes Analeigh, despite the fact that she's so boring, I literally forget she exists from week to week. Though I'm not proud of it, my memory files away reality show contestants with razor sharp precision, but Analeigh? She fades from my brain the second the show is over.
Marjorie has one of her trademark nerve meltdowns and fucks the whole challenge up, and by this point, LabRat and I are beyond sympathy for her, and into irritation. Elina's tattoos turn one of the designers off, which is understandable. The show makes a bigger deal of it than it actually is, because they need to make Elina look bad this week. McKey is wildly popular with everyone, but makes it back all of five minutes late. She also seems to have acquired a British accent out of nowhere. Um...OK. Though it's entirely fair that she be disqualified from the challenge, five minutes in real life would be negligible, so the judge can take the disappointed-dad tone he takes with her and shove it up his ass. This is certainly no "In some countries...THERE IS WAR!" Analeigh wins the challenge, mostly because of the others' faults than through her assets.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
For the photo shoot this week, Tyra takes two shots of each girl: One "clean" look, and one where they're all made up. Samantha blows Tyra and OJ away. She really does look good this week. Also impressive is McKey and what's-her-name. McKey's tardiness is barely mentioned at panel, because the praise from all of the designers she saw is so lavish. I have to say, I'm seeing the McKey-as-model angle a lot more these days. She's got an interesting, versatile look.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
Her timidity knocks her down to the bottom two, along with her pal Elina, who still can't break out of the controlled posing the judges have been squawking about since 1983. It seems like Marjorie is done for, but Tyra's had enough of Elina's failure to evolve, and she gets snipped. Yeah, she's going at about the right time. So, we're left with a fairly palatable final four of Samantha, McKey, Marjorie, and What's-Her-Name. Really, any of the first three would be an acceptable winner (though I'm pulling for McKey), so I like my odds of being satisfied.
Overall Grade: B+
It's time for the traditional go-see episode. Also traditional is the one or more girls that don't make it back on time, and get disqualified. You'd think after ten seasons of this show, the girls would make getting back to home base on time their number one priority. Well, think again. Samantha is fairly well-received by the designers, though they feel she's too commercial to work a runway. Everyone likes Analeigh, despite the fact that she's so boring, I literally forget she exists from week to week. Though I'm not proud of it, my memory files away reality show contestants with razor sharp precision, but Analeigh? She fades from my brain the second the show is over.
Marjorie has one of her trademark nerve meltdowns and fucks the whole challenge up, and by this point, LabRat and I are beyond sympathy for her, and into irritation. Elina's tattoos turn one of the designers off, which is understandable. The show makes a bigger deal of it than it actually is, because they need to make Elina look bad this week. McKey is wildly popular with everyone, but makes it back all of five minutes late. She also seems to have acquired a British accent out of nowhere. Um...OK. Though it's entirely fair that she be disqualified from the challenge, five minutes in real life would be negligible, so the judge can take the disappointed-dad tone he takes with her and shove it up his ass. This is certainly no "In some countries...THERE IS WAR!" Analeigh wins the challenge, mostly because of the others' faults than through her assets.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
For the photo shoot this week, Tyra takes two shots of each girl: One "clean" look, and one where they're all made up. Samantha blows Tyra and OJ away. She really does look good this week. Also impressive is McKey and what's-her-name. McKey's tardiness is barely mentioned at panel, because the praise from all of the designers she saw is so lavish. I have to say, I'm seeing the McKey-as-model angle a lot more these days. She's got an interesting, versatile look.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
Her timidity knocks her down to the bottom two, along with her pal Elina, who still can't break out of the controlled posing the judges have been squawking about since 1983. It seems like Marjorie is done for, but Tyra's had enough of Elina's failure to evolve, and she gets snipped. Yeah, she's going at about the right time. So, we're left with a fairly palatable final four of Samantha, McKey, Marjorie, and What's-Her-Name. Really, any of the first three would be an acceptable winner (though I'm pulling for McKey), so I like my odds of being satisfied.
Overall Grade: B+
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Please Hold Me While I Singe My Skull
The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 6
Tonight, it's off to India, which has been the mental downfall of many a team. Not these guys, though, because as part of a season with overly easy tasks, this episode has...overly easy tasks. Not overly easy compared to other legs; there's actually some work involved this week. They're just easy compared with India legs in other seasons. Oh, and the random Spanish is still being thrown around, because if there's one thing people abroad understand more than broken English, it's broken Spanish.
Everyone gets on the same flight to Delhi, then heads for the Roadblock, which involves painting a car. Andrew finishes first, and the Fratties roar into the next part of the leg, convinced that their barely-scraping-by placements are all behind them. Now comes the Frattie domination! In news surprising to people born since last Thursday, the wonderful, healthy relationship between Ken and Tina starts showing some cracks when they're not in first place anymore. Terence incessantly nags Sarah as she slips into last place, which does wonders for one's concentration.
After finding a random clue-wrangler, it's time for the Detour, which involves either tracking down exact change in rupees, then finding a groom in a crowded reception, or ironing clothing. Most teams opt for the laundry, as it sounds exponentially simpler. Unfortunately for the Fratties, they find that their inability to press clothes in America has not magically melted away in India, and they quickly find their way back to the back of the pack, where they live. Nick and Starr retain their lead, followed by Kelly/Christy, Toni/Dallas, and Terence/Sarah (who surge during their quest for Indian change). That leaves the Fratties, who suck at tasks and whine a lot, and Ken/Tina, who get lost and whine a lot. Ken and Tina limp in to the mat in last place, but luckily for them, tonight is the first of the non-elimination legs. They'll have to contend with the Speed Bump next week, but they're still in the race. They both cry for some reason.
Overall Grade: C
Tonight, it's off to India, which has been the mental downfall of many a team. Not these guys, though, because as part of a season with overly easy tasks, this episode has...overly easy tasks. Not overly easy compared to other legs; there's actually some work involved this week. They're just easy compared with India legs in other seasons. Oh, and the random Spanish is still being thrown around, because if there's one thing people abroad understand more than broken English, it's broken Spanish.
Everyone gets on the same flight to Delhi, then heads for the Roadblock, which involves painting a car. Andrew finishes first, and the Fratties roar into the next part of the leg, convinced that their barely-scraping-by placements are all behind them. Now comes the Frattie domination! In news surprising to people born since last Thursday, the wonderful, healthy relationship between Ken and Tina starts showing some cracks when they're not in first place anymore. Terence incessantly nags Sarah as she slips into last place, which does wonders for one's concentration.
After finding a random clue-wrangler, it's time for the Detour, which involves either tracking down exact change in rupees, then finding a groom in a crowded reception, or ironing clothing. Most teams opt for the laundry, as it sounds exponentially simpler. Unfortunately for the Fratties, they find that their inability to press clothes in America has not magically melted away in India, and they quickly find their way back to the back of the pack, where they live. Nick and Starr retain their lead, followed by Kelly/Christy, Toni/Dallas, and Terence/Sarah (who surge during their quest for Indian change). That leaves the Fratties, who suck at tasks and whine a lot, and Ken/Tina, who get lost and whine a lot. Ken and Tina limp in to the mat in last place, but luckily for them, tonight is the first of the non-elimination legs. They'll have to contend with the Speed Bump next week, but they're still in the race. They both cry for some reason.
Overall Grade: C
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