Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 2
Previously on Top Chef: The cast of Miami Ink showed up to compete in a reality cooking show. Padma told the seventeen new competitors that Lady Luck would be keeping a close eye on this season, so if ever there's a time not to tempt Fate, it's now. Jenc established herself as a force to be reckoned with in the Quickfire, while her namesake Jenz threw some chile relleno grenades into the group of judges. Kevin scored the first Elimination Challenge win, while Jenz' grenades blew up in her face, sending her back home. Sixteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. I like to cook something for the Top Chef viewing party, if I have time. Last week, I made candied pecans from a recipe that LabRat's mother gave me. This week, I brought dried blueberries to snack on. Let me tell you, it's tough to make those. First, I had to leave them out in the sun, and... OK, fine. I bought them at Trader Joe's. Then Tim had to go and show up my meager store-bought contribution with piping hot spinach artichoke dip. Bastard.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Everyone fusses with their hair. Jesse was happy to be in the top of the Quickfire standings last week, but wants to correct the mistakes that sunk her to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. Eve wonders whether to cook for the judges or to just cook her own style of food. I don't think any of the previous winners ever abandoned their own styles; they just found a way to marry that style with the week's particular challenges. Oh, and they didn't suck. Michael and Bryan are still blown away that they're both there, competing against each other. Consider the theme understood, show. Brothers. Competitors. We've got it.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma, Todd English (who will be this week's guest judge), and a craps table. Jenc gets all moist at the sight of Todd, both for physical and professional reasons. Padma explains that in this Quickfire, the chefs will roll a pair of oversized dice down the craps table. Whatever number they roll will be the number of ingredients they'll be allowed to work with. That makes it sound like they can use fewer than their rolled number if they'd like, but that won't turn out to be the case. Work on your speeches, Padma. It's not like you have much else to do. Salt, pepper, and oil are freebies, but every other ingredient must be counted. Fair enough. As with last week, the challenge's winner will get a $15,000 cash prize. Let's get to it!
Kevin doesn't like to work with tons of flavors. Lady Luck bites her thumb at him, and he rolls a ten. Mattin rolls a four. Michael rolls an eight. Hector is happy with his five. Ron pulls an eight. Jesse gets nine. Eve gets eight. Bryan is up there with Kevin with a ten. Jenc gets a nine. Laurine tosses the lowest roll, with a three. That's all the rolls we see. Isn't it odd that seven -- the most statistically likely number -- didn't get thrown once? Too bad they're not really playing craps right now; they'd be making out like bandits.
The thirty-minute countdown begins. Chefs scatter to their stations. Eve wants to make a salad that includes grilled asparagus and blue cheese. A salad is a smart idea if you want to get eight ingredients on the plate. Michael pours about a gallon of oil into a blender. He's working on gazpacho with a twist, using the liquid nitrogen to rapidly chill it. Bryan wants to hold to a more classic style, which he tells us in a deadpan voice he will not be deviating from. I have to say, Bryan is unquestionably the most attractive chef in contention this year (to me, anyway), but that robotic voice can be a tad off-putting. He works on preparing sous-vide cod. In order to keep things simple, Kevin wants to make as few components as possible with his ten ingredients. Smart idea. I like the way he thinks. Jenc is making smoked salmon with a mild jalapeno emulsion. She also uses about a gallon of oil. Jesse tells us in hindsight that she should have used a stainless steel pan to sear her scallops. She didn't, though, so they're colorless and dull. She thinks about using butter to brown them up, but that would put her over the ingredient limit. Too bad she's not competing in Season 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Time winds down, and everyone plates their food.
Padma and Todd start their way down the line. With her scant ingredients, Laurine has made an asparagus and leek soup with lemon. Jenc presents her smoked salmon and jalapeno emulsion. It's also got lemon, garlic, shallot, and parsley thrown in. I'm not really enjoying the combination of smoked salmon and jalapeno in my mind, but would have to give it a try before passing any judgement. Mattin has made a carrot soup with ginger, and has cleverly made a little "4" out of carrots to rest on top. Eve's grilled asparagus salad includes raisins, pine nuts, and blue cheese. Michael's nitrogen gazpacho also has compressed cucumbers (whatever that means) and some toast. Kevin has prepared asparagus and celery salad with fennel cream and a boiled egg. Isn't it weird how multiple chefs always seem to work with the same ingredient, seemingly by accident? Last week, it was halibut. Tonight, it's asparagus. Ashley has made grilled lamb with apricot mostarda. The lamb is rare to the point of being almost raw. Bryan has poached black cod, and serves it with carrot, ginger puree, and some daikon radish sprout. Jesse's colorless scallops are served with chimichurri and toasted garlic. There are also some smashed garbanzo beans, which are nice, but seem unnecessary. Maybe she could have replaced them with the much-needed butter.
That's all the dishes we see, and Padma asks Todd for the bad news first. Jesse's scallops needed a better sear, and the rest of her plate was all mushy textures. Eve's blue cheese was overpowering and her presentation sucked. Bryan's flavors were fairly good, but his yuzu was overpowering. He's welcome to bring his overpowering yuzu over here. Hotcha! Now, for the good news. Michael used a clever technique with the gazpacho. Jenc's flavors were bold, yet delicate. Kevin cooked the egg perfectly (I actually prefer a runnier yolk with boiled eggs, but I get what he was going for), and successfully married a lot of flavors. I know it's not really feasible to establish patterns by the second episode, but you'd be forgiven for looking at Kevin, Jenc, Eve, and Jesse with increased attention now. The winner of the Quickfire, the attendant immunity, and the tremendous cash prize is... Michael. Great. I so look forward to the thousand and one interviews about sibling rivalry this will spawn.
Commercials. Head online to learn how to make the winning Quickfire recipe. Sure, let me just pull out my tank of liquid nitrogen. I keep it in the cabinet next to the fridge.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be experiencing another Vegas tradition. Bloated entertainers past their heyday? Nope. It's the bachelor and bachelorette party. Kevin looks back fondly at his own debauched fiesta. Ashley is decidedly less thrilled about it. As a lesbian, she's not happy to be participating in an event that she's not able to enjoy herself. More on this later. Padma continues that the chefs will be split into two teams: Men versus women. The men will cater the bride's party, while the women will handle the groom. Or his food, anyway. Now it's Jenc's turn to be offended, because she doesn't believe men and women cook differently, so a "battle of the sexes" is ridiculous. It's a fair point, although nobody said that the challenge winner will lend any evidence to which sex cooks better. It's just a handy way to split the chefs into two teams. I don't disagree with Jenc, but it's a little premature to be pissed off about it.
The bride and groom enter. They pass around their three favorite shots, which they want all the food to be paired with. Lame. Padma gives the teams ten minutes to meet with their "clients" and plan the meal. Eli lets us in on another challenge parameter, which is that each shot must have at least two dishes associated with it. The bride outlines a couple of guests' dietary restrictions, and says she loves spicy food. The groom likes lean meats, shellfish, and has a big sweet tooth. Robin, unlike Jenc, is excited for an all-female team, and GIRL POWER, and blah blah blah. Shopping. The teams have half an hour and an $800 budget. The men pick out some flowers, and assign Ash to take care of them.
Ash: "It's true. Gay guys grow flowers better than straight guys."
LabRat: "No, gay guys DE-flower better than straight guys."
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Jesse worries that if the women lose, she's the obvious choice to go home. Normally, I'd agree, but there is one person who's done worse. I'll give you a hint. She lived in the Garden of Eden, and also couldn't cook worth a damn. Tiresome sibling rivalry interview. Cooking montage. Jenc (I assume) lowers some octopus into a pan. Eve works on a shrimp ceviche. Ashley skins a watermelon to make a carpaccio. She thinks winning the challenge will give the women a much-needed confidence boost. It's the second episode. They couldn't possibly be that beaten down, could they? Oh, wait.
Hector works on a vegetarian dish. He's making tofu ceviche, which sounds a little strange and not very appetizing. Of course, that's what I first thought about the tofu with black bean sauce at Blue Koi in Kansas City, and now it's my second-favorite thing there. Tiresome sibling rivalry interview. Bryan is making a sweet-and-sour macaroon, which involves guacamole. I don't know whether to be intrigued or disgusted by that. A minor spat surfaces on the women's team. Ashley thinks they have time to make an additional dish, but Jenc would prefer keeping things simple and making sure they execute all of the existing dishes perfectly. Ashley remembers that the groom wanted something sweet, so she's going to forge ahead and make a bay leaf panna cotta, though she's emphatically "not a pastry chef". DRINK! Everyone packs up their food, and gets ready to go. The guys struggle to get done in time, but pull it together in the last few moments.
Back at the house, Ashley has time to fume some more about the challenge. Let's get her good point across first. There are at least three gay chefs participating, none of whom are legally allowed to marry their partners, and they're essentially being forced to celebrate that situation. I totally get that, and agree up to a point. I mean, hey... LabRat and I aren't allowed to walk down the aisle, either. Preeti speaks for me a bit when she says she gets where Ashley is coming from, but modern society hasn't kept her apart from her longtime partner, and this just happens to be the world we're living in right now. Exactly. By all means, let's work to effect some change, but in the meantime, you can't get righteously offended at every instance of participation in heterosexual marriage. That would just be downright exhausting. Besides, this is a televised bachelor/bachelorette party, and there isn't even going to be a stripper! It's almost as far from traditional marriage as a gay couple.
Commercials. I love Bradley Cooper, but that movie looks wretched.
The chefs arrive at a resort swimming pool, and each team sets up their food on one side. They have an hour to set everything up. The intense sun beats down on them, and more importantly, their food. Preeti rests her food on some shiso leaves for a bit of garnish. Eve shops her shrimp around, and the consensus is she needs more salt. She frets that her vinaigrette is "naaaaaaaaht" getting into the shrimp at all. Then she almost accidentally stabs Jenc in the face. Over on the men's side, Mike is typically overconfident (as much as anyone can be "typically" anything by the second episode). Laurine feels the men's food is too "contrived" and that the women will be serving heartier fare. Yeah, but she's serving a bunch of "Woo, bachelor party in VEGAS! WITH SHOTS!" dudes, who will no doubt enjoy a bunch of meaty appetizers. The ladies will probably enjoy the more frou-frou stuff the guys are putting together. Lucky me, I'd like both.
The guests arrive. Wow, nothing would be more fun at my bachelor party than being watched by my soon-to-be wife the whole time. The men and women split to their respective sides of the pool. Ashley has gotten some sleep, and has wisely decided to take a step back, and just do the best she can for the happy couple. If it makes her feel any better, I don't have much hope for a couple that bases their relationship on a mutual love of tequila. The guests begin eating, and the judges enter soon after. We begin going down the line of food, and I'm just going to ignore the pointless shot pairings.
Robin has made a duck mole with cocoa nibs and some apricot. It looks good, as does Laurine's Moroccan lamb chop with a pomegranate pine nut relish. Eve's shrimp and avocado ceviche is served with a smoky tomato and chili salsa and some popcorn. Speaking of ceviche (or as she's still calling it, se-VEECH), Jenc has made one of octopus in a light citrus vinaigrette with some herbs on top. I bet I'd like that. The judges eat through this first grouping. Eve's shrimp is described as "nasty". She didn't cook them properly, and the seasoning is all off, much like last week. Jenc's could use a bit more salt, but is good, overall. Robin's mole is very nice, while Laurine's lamb chop gets approving nods.
Next! Ashley has made watermelon carpaccio with some ricotta salata and aged balsamic. It looks very refreshing. She also presents her bay leaf and vanilla panna cotta with cranberry powder and some honey. Preeti lays out her coriander and sesame-crusted tuna with spicy eggplant, and a wonton crisp on top of the shiso leaf. That looks awesome. Jesse has made a lettuce cup with Thai chicken thigh, shiitake mushrooms, shiso, and ginger beer. The judges eat. Jesse's dish is too muddled with competing flavors, and her food doesn't match the shot at all. Preeti's looks wilted, and Todd finds it overcured. Ashley's watermelon was great, but her panna cotta sucked. DRINK!
Next! Michael has thrown together an apple sorbet with a goat cheese cookie. That's no small feat in and of itself with such hot weather. Kevin has made a chilled almond soup with king crab, cucumber, and white grape. Yum. The judges love his soup, though Ptom wishes it were a bit colder. Even as that gets high marks, Michael's goat cheese cookie gets even higher ones.
Next! Mike has served Arctic char with a smoky caper sauce, and some Cara Cara orange. Bryan's sweet-and-sour macaroon is filled with guacamole, corn nuts, and corn puree. I still don't know about that. Coconut is never mentioned, so is that in there, like a traditional macaroon? I pride myself on eating some strange things, but this one has me confused. Ron has made lobster cocktail with a habanero tomato sauce. Hector's tofu is in a lemon-lime, tequila ceviche, and is served alongside a guajillo-achiote tortilla. Look it up. The judges love what Hector did with the tofu, while Ron's lobster has no flavor. Mike's Arctic char is flabby, flat, and doesn't work with the shot. Bryan's guacamole mightily impresses everyone.
Next! Eli has Thai tuna tartare, served with puffed wild rice, and ruined by the addition of coconut milk. Mattin has a bouillabaisse with an aioli crouton, and a Basque croquette that seems to just be a ball of fried cheese. Ash has made an Asian chicken wing with pickled pearl onions on top. The judges like the ginger in Eli's tuna. Mattin's croquette was good, but the rest of the dish is imbalanced. Ash's chicken makes Todd very happy.
After service, some of the guys rip their chef coats off and jump into the pool. Laurine cracks me up when she dryly wonders who people would rather see jump into a pool: Girls or fat boys. Ash does not participate, finding it juvenile. Juvenile, maybe. Unprofessional, certainly. Well, I don't see any guests in the shots of the pool-jumping. Maybe they've all left, in which case it's fine. The women toast each other. The men share a cheer.
Commercials. I don't think people with pinstriped Oxford shirts are rushing off to McDonald's for their lunch hour.
Interstitial. Mike outlines his nicknames for various other chefs. Preeti doesn't rate one, because she's not only one of those inferior women, but an inferior woman who will never sleep with him.
Judges' Table. Padma enters the Kitchen, and summons Bryan, Hector, Eli, and Michael to the dining room. This obviously means that the men's team has won, and that these four are the top of that group. Eli's tuna tartare excited Gail in a way that no other has in the past fifteen years. Wow. Michael's sorbet was a great concept and delicious to boot. Tofu is hard to work with, and Hector did an admirable job. Bryan's macaroon had terrific texture, and Todd found it whimsical and fun. "Thank you," Bryan says with zero emotion.
Tiffany (as Bryan): "I'm whimsical. Like Sylvia Plath."
Todd gets to announce the winner, and says that it was between the two brothers. Bryan scores the ultimate win, which he appears as jazzed up about as a semiannual dentist appointment. He does allow that it's nice to redeem himself after being in the bottom of the Quickfire. Ptom reiterates that all four of them did phenomenal work, but I'm afraid their only prize is Padma asking them to send out the losing women. I write down two of the names before the guys take a single step towards the Kitchen. Eve and Ashley are obviously going out there, and are joined by Preeti and Jesse. Hmm, I may have to rethink what I said before about the second episode being too early to find patterns. As the women enter the dining room, I note the absence of our old friends Gong and Odd Asian Music. Have they lost their jobs in this tough economy?
The judges start with Jesse. Her dish was watery and muddled. She begins leaking tears as Gail tries to soften the blow by saying each individual ingredient was fine, but that there wasn't a clean flavor in the mixture. Eve wanted to provide some spice for the groom. Gail says she couldn't taste anything but the salsa. Ptom asks her about her underseasoned shrimp, and Eve says that she tried to spice it up, but as with pasta, if you underseason it at the beginning, you can't do much about it. The look that Ptom gives in response is priceless. I'm not sure I can do it justice, but the closest translation I can give is: "Why did we let you on this show? You are utterly incompetent."
Preeti felt her dish was crowd-pleasing, but Ptom felt it was overcured. He also scolds her for not exchanging the old shiso leaf for a fresh one as the judges came over. Ah, but she did. The sun was so hot that they almost instantly wilted. I think Ptom hates Preeti. His disgust with Eve is understandable, but I'm not sure why he's felt the need to condescend to Preeti like a disappointed dad (in look if not in words) in both episodes. Gail suggests doing away with the shiso leaf altogether. Todd didn't like her eggplant. Ashley's watermelon was great, but that panna cotta sunk her. DRINK! The chefs are dismissed. They head back to the Kitchen, where Jesse immediately snags a gigantic bottle of wine. Heh.
Deliberations. I could repeat the same criticisms that the judges made a few moments ago, but only need to bring up one. That look of utter incomprehension Ptom gave to Eve. The second that crossed his face (and given the fact that she also screwed up shrimp last week), this episode was decided. Elimination. Why drag it out? Eve. Please pack your knives and go. In her final interview, she talks about remaining true to herself and that the judges just didn't get her unusual combinations of flavors. DRINK! I guess "unusual combinations" is code for "sucky". None of the other chefs seems too torn up or surprised about the elimination of a clearly inferior competitor, and LabRat happily celebrates not having to deal with a Michigander for the rest of the season.
Next week on Top Chef: Limecrete continues his tradition of not watching this show's previews, because they give away who winds up at Judges' Table.
Overall Grade: B-
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
All That and a Bag of Chips
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 1
Previously on Top Chef: Carla! Besides her, not much.
Welcome back to a new season of Top Chef! The gang (Me, LabRat, Tim, Tiffany, Kender, Panny, Phooey, and Panny's dogs) enjoyed Top Chef Masters, but nothing can really substitute for Original Recipe. I find myself more excited than I thought I'd be for a new season, and can hopefully improve my shameful track record when it comes to being able to blog through the last episode. It wasn't my fault! Well, not always. I stopped writing about Season Two because it was terrible, and I couldn't bear to expend any more internet ink on that jerkoff Ilan. Season Five was interrupted by external events. I do feel bad about Season Four, though; I should have been able to work through my depression over Antonia's elimination and finished the season. Oh, well. Season Six gives me a fresh start, and I hope I can be at least a minimal replacement for one Saucy Aussie who can't watch the actual show. OK, so...
Welcome to Las Vegas! Seventeen contestants are ready to cook and fight, all for your amusement. The chefs are a higher pedigree than in seasons past, but Padma warns that luck will play a bigger role in a city dominated by games of chance. The ultimate prize has also been beefed up: In addition to the regular magazine exposure and such, $125,000 cash and $100,000 of kitchen equipment will be awarded. I'd jump out of my pants if I got $1000 worth of kitchen equipment. Of course, that would make avoiding hot oil spatter even more important.
Contestants arrive at the airport. Kevin Gillespie gave up a scholarship at MIT to become a chef. He looks a little like Tim, which will be distracting. Preeti Mistry looks forward to the chaos. I'll bet she won't be for long. Ron Duprat grew up in Haiti, and seems like a genial, sweet guy, so don't get too attached to him. More chefs stream into the house, which is very pretty, and makes the prisoners of the Season Two Cellblock grind their teeth even harder. Eve Aronoff talks about being the only chef from Michigan, a factoid that will pop up again later, but that we missed on first viewing because we were too busy eating or drinking or running to the kitchen to flee from an atomic dog fart. Mattin Noblia is originally from France, now works in San Francisco, and will be putting the subtitle writers to work this season. Eli Kirshtein is from Atlanta, and got into cooking not to cook, but to eat. He's already on my good side.
Ash Fulk is weirdly the only chef from New York this season. He's gay, gay, gay. Jesse Sandlin is from Baltimore, and has no formal training as a chef. She's already on the defensive about how trained chefs are overconfident and egotistical, which I'm sure is often true, but she's emitting almost visible waves of insecurity. Jennifer Zavala is from Philadelphia, and refuses to unpack, thinking it'll just tempt the universe into making her the first one eliminated. Oh, that'll never happen! Speaking of Jennifers from Philadelphia, Jennifer Carroll is a chef from Philadelphia. Oy. Well, the Saram/Saran thing worked out well, so from now on, Jennifer Zavala is Jenz and Jennifer Carroll is Jenc. Jenc warns that she can be a bitch in the kitchen. Don't sell yourself short, Jenc. I'm sure you can be a bitch other places, too.
Bryan Voltaggio is a chef from Frederick, Maryland. His younger brother Michael Voltaggio works in Los Angeles, so they're here to have not only a sibling showdown, but a coastal one. And speaking of chefs named Michael... Sigh. Mike Isabella is a chef in Washington, D.C. I guess they won't be too hard to differentiate if one is Michael and one is Mike. Ashley Merriman is from Seattle, and has a big Rachel Maddow vibe going on.
The chefs are driven to the M Resort Hotel & Casino, where this season's Kitchen will be. It's a bit industrial looking, but at least has a lot of space. They're met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma, who helpfully remain silent while we knock out more introductions. Laurine Wickett, despite a name that makes her sound like an old lady who sells yarn in Arkansas, works in catering in San Francisco. Hector Santiago may be a chef from Atlanta, but doesn't get to say so, only commenting on how pretty Padma is. I guess the final remaining chef was demoted to introducing herself in the opening credits, so let's just toss her in here. Robin Leventhal is a chef from Seattle who has survived cancer. She's got kind of a less-foul-mouthed Cynthia thing going on. There sure are a lot of tatts and piercings in this crew. I know that's common in the industry, but cripes. Seen as a group, they look like they all escaped from a nineteenth-century circus. I fear the Top Chef Swimsuit Calendar won't sell well this season. All right, let's get cooking!
Quickfire Challenge. Ptom explains that the chefs will break into groups of four for the mise en place relay race. A group of showgirls enters for no other reason than to remind us that we're in Vegas. I've caught the snap, thanks. Padma presents a hat full of poker chips to determine the teams. The teams wind up being:
Black Team: Mike, Eli, Ashley, and Hector
Blue Team: Jenc, Jesse, Mattin, and Bryan
Red Team: Preeti, Eve, Kevin, and Michael
Green Team: Jenz, Ron, Laurine, and Ash
Of course, seventeen people can't be broken evenly into four teams, and Robin pulls out a lone, gold chip. She doesn't know if this portends good news or bad news. It's good news. Padma tells her that not only can she sit out the relay race, but that she's granted automatic immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Wow, they weren't kidding about luck influencing the challenges this season. Preeti wishes she would have drawn the gold chip. She's about to find out just how much she wishes it. Although the relay race has been done before, this one is a lot more difficult than just dicing onions or whipping egg whites. The teams will have to shuck fifteen clams, peel thirty prawns, break down five lobsters, and butcher two chops from a rack of prime rib. Padma gives the chefs two minutes to figure out who's doing what. Preeti finds herself stuck with the clam-shucking, which she's never done. She nervously opines that it's the same as shucking oysters, but Kevin quickly corrects her. Nobody bothers to suggest that she switch tasks.
Ready? Go! Preeti has failed to magically acquire clam-schucking skills in the past ten seconds, which somehow takes her team by surprise. Ptom does not get off to a good start, as he shakes his head derisively at her. Is this one of those seasons that he's going to be an unmitigated ass? That's never fun. Jenz slices her hand open, interviewing that "the hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Wait, let me write that down. This is valuable career advice. "The hard part about building a nuclear reactor is knowing how to do it." "The hard part about vascular surgery is knowing how to do it." Hey, that does work! Mike sets himself up as the Tiffani/Hung/Lisa/Dale/Pretty Much Everyone In Season Two of the season by smarming that Jenc shouldn't be able to beat him at the clams, because of all those lady parts she has. He does narrowly edge her out. Curse those ovaries!
Eli and Jesse tear through the prawns, and the narrow gap between the Blue and Black teams stays about the same. Preeti saws away at her clams. Jenz wraps hers up, and Laurine gets going on the prawns. Ashley is on to the lobsters for the Black team, but she doesn't stand a chance again Mattin. He utterly destroys his lobsters, which couldn't be cleaned faster if he were Samantha on Bewitched. In no time, they're given the go-ahead for Bryan to tackle the prime rib.
Tiffany: "That's a big fucking piece of meat."
Limecrete: "That's what she said!"
We try to wedge in at least once per week. After Bryan gets started, Ashley finishes her lobsters, so Hector hopes he can catch up on the prime rib. Nope. Bryan whips through it, and the Blue team wins before the Red team is even finished with their clams. The Blue team isn't done, though. Now the four of them will cook against each other to determine the challenge's individual winner, who will get a poker chip worth $15,000. Wowsers.
Commercials. According to the sound editors, one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is going to shoot one of the other ones. Fine with me.
Ptom offers Robin the opportunity to trade immunity for the chance to compete for the poker chip. She holds on to the immunity, as would I. Mike cements his status as a tool by interpreting this to mean she's a scared old lady with no confidence in her skills. Yeah, it could be that. Or she could be giving up the chance for $15,000 for guaranteed advancement in a contest worth more than $200,000. Mike wouldn't need to consider that, as Robin is one of those female thingies, and couldn't possibly know how to cook, anyway.
Each member of the Blue team will have half an hour to cook with the ingredient they worked with in the relay race, which is a clever idea. Jesse worries, because she's never worked with prawns in her life. Wait a minute, she's from Baltimore, and has no idea what to do with shellfish? Take a crab mallet to her knees! Padma starts the clock. Bryan has worked at a steakhouse, and feels pretty good, though he wants to work on something "quick". Something quick for the Quickfire? Uncanny! Let me write that down underneath "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Jenc wants to make a clam ceviche, and pronounces it to rhyme with bleach. Mattin is happy to be stuck with lobster. Everyone plates their food just as time runs out.
Ptom and Padma go down the line. Jenc worries that her clam ceviche with citron vinegar is too simple. Mattin has cooked his lobster with bay leaves and star anise. Ew, I hate star anise. Jesse has thrown together her prawn with grits, polenta, and even more naked insecurity. Bryan has crusted the rib eye with fennel and black pepper and serves it with caramelized celery and a chive puree. I like my meat rather bloody, but his cut looks almost raw. At least he realizes it, and has the strict time limit to blame. Ptom's bottom two wind up being Bryan for his bland puree and Mattin for his bland seasoning. He did like Jenc's clean ceviche and the amount of flavor Jesse was able to develop out of her prawn. Jesse clutches her chest like she's been voted Awesomest Person of the Year. The winner winds up being Jenc, who turns redder than Mattin's lobsters. She jogs up to collect her valuable poker chip, and kisses Ptom on the cheek, to which he makes a hilarious "Um....OK" face. Jenc hopes she can win every single challenge from here on out. Sounds boring.
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that they'd like to explore the chefs' dark sides. Eve grins nervously, because the darkest thing she's ever done is double-dip her corn chip in some salsa. Today's Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish based on each chef's vice. The chefs will be cooking against the others on their Quickfire team; each team will yield someone up for the win and someone up for elimination. Robin gets to choose which team she cooks with, and chooses Blue. The chefs have $150 and thirty minutes to shop at Whole Foods before cooking for two hours. This week's guest judge is Wolfgang Puck, which makes the chefs all anxious and tittery.
Interstitial. Kevin goes down the waterslide into the pool. And...scene.
Shopping. Mike indulges in some more casual misogyny. Kevin disdains Eli's strategy of buying a dozen scallops. Kevin himself borrows a fish filet and buries his nose in it to get a sense of its quality.
Kevin: "I'll take this."
Tiffany: "I would hope so; you fucking stuck your boogers in it."
More shopping. Bryan reminds us that in three of the five previous seasons, the winner of the first Elimination Challenge wound up winning the whole season. Ron is too busy telling us about his hellish, month-long journey from Haiti to the United States to worry much about game statistics. Jenz interviews that she's going to represent her hot temper with a chile relleno that she plans to make with seitan. Everyone checks out.
Later, the chefs head to Wolfgang Puck's restaurant at the Palazzo. Kevin describes his vice as procrastination, so he's cooking Arctic char in an uncharacteristically slow fashion. Preeti hopes to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance. Michael is doing a salute to Vegas' love of plastic surgery. If you're sitting there thinking. "Wait, that's not a vice of his... And wait, Vegas isn't known for plastic surgery," you're in good company. Laurine says her vices include donuts, bacon, chocolate, and beer. That's more like it. Kevin calls Jenz' use of seitan "ballsy" because nobody likes it. I've never tried it, but have no trouble believing that something that is used as an alternative to tofu wouldn't light up the taste buds. Jenc's vice is that she's a booze hag, so she works a lot of liquor into her sauce. Jesse works with chicken and worries that it's too dried out.
Hector plans to smoke his steak by deep-frying it. Mike is snobby some more, though at least in it's reference to a guy this time. I can tell I'm going to have to pace myself with the "Mike is a snobby tool" comments, or I'll never have time to type anything else. It may be time for the return of the Smarmerview. Eve cannot track down any white wine. Her "vice" is that she wishes she were more simple and easygoing. Yeah, I was just thinking to myself that Eve is far too complex and dramatic. Snerk. Her lack of white wine makes her sauce unbalanced, and while she's fussing over that, her seafood overcooks. Jenz' chile rellenos look nasty. The breading is falling off in big, chunky wads. Time runs out before Robin can plate her sauce. She's embarrassed, but relieved that she's got immunity.
Commercials. Don't buy an expensive toothbrush! Buy this $15 one!
Dinner. The Black team comes out and presents their food to Padma, Ptom, Gail, and Wolfgang Puck. Mike's vice is a bad temper and foul mouth, and he's made olive oil-poached halibut formed like a bar of soap that his mother would have washed his mouth out with. It's served on top of eggplant puree. Okay, I don't like him, but that is very clever, and looks good to boot. Eli has tried to work in arrogance and bitterness by making "buttered" scotch with scallops, cashews, and beer powder. I'm not sure what beer powder is, and I'm getting weary of the overuse of scallops these days, but all right. Ashley's vice is alcohol. In fact, just assume that all of these people's vices include alcohol in some capacity. Her dish is chicken liver ravioli with a red wine demi-glace, so she gets the honor of having the first dish that actively makes me want to dive into the television screen head-first to get at her food. Hector's vice is smoking, so he's smoked some rib eye in the deep fryer, and serves it with carrot puree and celery ceviche.
The chefs are dismissed and the judges tuck in. Eli's scallops are good, but overworked. Hector's method of deep-frying totally mystifies everyone. Mike has shown experience and focus. Ashley is completely ignored.
Blue team. Bryan has made strip steak with a parsnip puree and a bourbon reduction caramel. Mattin is stubborn, so he's made buffalo rib eye with Madeira sauce. There are some zucchini-wrapped mashed potatoes on the side. I'm not sure what that has to do with stubbornness, but maybe something was lost in the translation. Jenc says her vice is alcohol, and that she tends to do a lot of stupid things after a lot of it.
Timiffany: "So does Padma."
Jenc has made halibut poached in a variety of liquors, served with a black peppercorn sauce. Jesse's vice is excess, and has given the judges the entire chicken, which is a smart idea. It's been braised in a whiskey reduction, and is served with Yukon potatoes and a fried egg. Hmm, I'm not sure about that egg. Robin says that she's a bad Jew, so pork is her vice. Holla, sister! She says she attempted to make pork five ways, such as a pork tenderloin stuffed with chorizo. Mmmm. She's saddened to tell the judges that her gastrique didn't make it onto the plate. They're dismissed. The judges like Bryan's steak, but I'm happy to see that the judges (and by extension perhaps people who matter in the food world) are getting sick of purees under every goddamn thing. Jenc's sauce is great, and Wolfgang proclaims that they wouldn't be able to find a better piece of halibut anywhere else in Vegas. I have to say, I know Vegas is home to some amazing feats of food, but last time I was there, LabRat and I went to what was supposedly an amazing sushi place, and agreed that we get better sushi here in St. Louis. Geography isn't everything. Jesse's chicken was dry. Mattin's meat was nice, but the sides made no sense, and he didn't show much personality in his food.
Green team. Ash has made poached halibut. What's with all the poached halibut tonight? Was there a sale? His is served on a vegetable ratatouille and parsley coulis. Jenz' chile relleno still looks kind of gross, and is served on grilled tomatillo salsa. Ron's "vice" is an inability to let his hellish month-long journey from Haiti go, so he's prepared jerked sea bass with collard greens and a Haitian hash.
Limecrete: "Topped with a demi-glace of his tears."
Laurine serves bacon donuts with both a chocolate sauce and a beer sauce. The chefs are dismissed. Ron's dish was a bit fussy, but the judges tap dance a bit to avoid overly-criticizing a man who just spilled his soul. Jenz' chile relleno was flavorless and clunky. Laurine's sauces were good, but her donuts are like golf balls. Wolfgang's colorful descriptions crack Ptom up. Ash isn't discussed.
Red team. Michael describes his homage to plastic surgery with a rack of lamb and coconut sauce with cauliflower gnocchi. Preeti has braised pork tenderloin with bourbon and yes, there's another goddamn puree underneath it, this one of sweet potato. Eve spins her story of wanting to be less complicated, then presents her plate of shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce. Kevin describes his portrayal of procrastination through the slow-cooked Arctic char with a turnip salsa verde and celery salad. They're dismissed. The judges love Kevin's food and his techniques. Eve's was blah. Michael had some good flavors and good presentation.
Commercials. Jennifer Aniston is in a paint-by-numbers romantic comedy. Try to contain your shock.
Judges' Table. The chefs have their usual fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen. Jenz describes her dish to Mike, who has never heard of seitan, and once he's told what it involves, looks like he wishes he still hasn't. Padma comes back and summons Ron, Mike, Kevin, and Jenc to the table. She tries to imbue her tone with grievous importance, but once they leave, Ash immediately pegs the four of them as the winning group. Indeed, they each have the best dish of their group. Mike's fish was well-seasoned and focused. Wolfgang gives Jenc's halibut effusive praise, and kids her about her drinking. She blushes hardcore. Ron's island flavors came through well. Kevin executed everything really well. Wolfgang gets to announce the winner, which is... Kevin. Jenc comes over to hug him, which was nice. Padma sends them back to summon the losers.
Kevin's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Ron tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Hector, Jenz, Jesse, and Eve. Everyone wishes them luck. The Odd Asian music is strangely absent, though our old friend the Gong sticks around to announce their entrance into the dining room. Hector didn't have enough smoke flavor, and his method of deep-frying the steak was questionable. He explains that he wanted a crunchy outside with caramelized fat. I've heard worse reasoning. Eve's sauce tasted like it had no seasoning whatsoever.
Eve: "I actually toned it down a little bit, to be aaaaaahnest."
Limecrete: "Aaaaaahnest?"
LabRat: "Oh, my God. She's got to be from Michigan. That is pure Michigan."
Tim: "Let me see... Yep. Ann Arbor, Michigan."
LabRat: "Gah! I knew it!"
LabRat went to grad school in Michigan, and his opinion of its residents... Let's just say it's strong. Anyhow, Eve blathers something nonsensical, up to a Jill level of utter lack of comprehension, and perhaps even a bit beyond. Everything on her plate gets a big thumbs down. Jenz' food was unrefined, and Gail didn't get any of the heat she was going for. Unlike Eve, who accepted her criticisms meekly, Jenz disagrees with the judges. She says that she's made this same exact dish before with much better feedback. The judges ask her about her use of the much-discussed seitan. Jenz clearly enjoys it, though nobody else did. Jesse had a good idea, but her chicken was dried out. Jesse understands exactly what she did wrong, and almost bursts into tears at what is really a pretty mild critique. I don't sense her sticking around for long. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Gail was happy to see that most of the losing chefs harbored no delusions about why they were in the bottom. Jesse had a good idea, and only a minor problem of execution. Hector had bad execution, but at least had some imagination. Ptom also thinks he had stiffer competition in a very strong Black team. Jenz' pepper wasn't cooked properly or seasoned properly. Eve's shrimp was hideously overcooked, she didn't season one thing correctly, and she had no overall concept. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Hector didn't smoke his meat well. Eve's a mess from top to bottom. Jenz' idea didn't come across, and her dish plain sucked. Jesse's chicken was dry. Ptom says the decision as to who is first to go is always a difficult one. Really? I would think this first round would be the easiest to judge. There's always at least a couple of chefs who are clearly out of their depth. Speaking of which, let's go over to Padma for the chop. Jenz. Please pack your knives and go. Interesting. I really thought it would be Eve. Terrible as Jenz' dish seemed to be, she at least had a concept. Jesse gives her a commiserating squeeze on the way out of the dining room. Jenz interviews that she didn't think she'd go this early, and that she just tried to do something different to stand out. Well, if that was her goal, I'd say she met it.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Yelling. Tattoos. Weird-ass challenges. Weird-ass guest judges. Fighting. Misuse of the word literally.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Carla! Besides her, not much.
Welcome back to a new season of Top Chef! The gang (Me, LabRat, Tim, Tiffany, Kender, Panny, Phooey, and Panny's dogs) enjoyed Top Chef Masters, but nothing can really substitute for Original Recipe. I find myself more excited than I thought I'd be for a new season, and can hopefully improve my shameful track record when it comes to being able to blog through the last episode. It wasn't my fault! Well, not always. I stopped writing about Season Two because it was terrible, and I couldn't bear to expend any more internet ink on that jerkoff Ilan. Season Five was interrupted by external events. I do feel bad about Season Four, though; I should have been able to work through my depression over Antonia's elimination and finished the season. Oh, well. Season Six gives me a fresh start, and I hope I can be at least a minimal replacement for one Saucy Aussie who can't watch the actual show. OK, so...
Welcome to Las Vegas! Seventeen contestants are ready to cook and fight, all for your amusement. The chefs are a higher pedigree than in seasons past, but Padma warns that luck will play a bigger role in a city dominated by games of chance. The ultimate prize has also been beefed up: In addition to the regular magazine exposure and such, $125,000 cash and $100,000 of kitchen equipment will be awarded. I'd jump out of my pants if I got $1000 worth of kitchen equipment. Of course, that would make avoiding hot oil spatter even more important.
Contestants arrive at the airport. Kevin Gillespie gave up a scholarship at MIT to become a chef. He looks a little like Tim, which will be distracting. Preeti Mistry looks forward to the chaos. I'll bet she won't be for long. Ron Duprat grew up in Haiti, and seems like a genial, sweet guy, so don't get too attached to him. More chefs stream into the house, which is very pretty, and makes the prisoners of the Season Two Cellblock grind their teeth even harder. Eve Aronoff talks about being the only chef from Michigan, a factoid that will pop up again later, but that we missed on first viewing because we were too busy eating or drinking or running to the kitchen to flee from an atomic dog fart. Mattin Noblia is originally from France, now works in San Francisco, and will be putting the subtitle writers to work this season. Eli Kirshtein is from Atlanta, and got into cooking not to cook, but to eat. He's already on my good side.
Ash Fulk is weirdly the only chef from New York this season. He's gay, gay, gay. Jesse Sandlin is from Baltimore, and has no formal training as a chef. She's already on the defensive about how trained chefs are overconfident and egotistical, which I'm sure is often true, but she's emitting almost visible waves of insecurity. Jennifer Zavala is from Philadelphia, and refuses to unpack, thinking it'll just tempt the universe into making her the first one eliminated. Oh, that'll never happen! Speaking of Jennifers from Philadelphia, Jennifer Carroll is a chef from Philadelphia. Oy. Well, the Saram/Saran thing worked out well, so from now on, Jennifer Zavala is Jenz and Jennifer Carroll is Jenc. Jenc warns that she can be a bitch in the kitchen. Don't sell yourself short, Jenc. I'm sure you can be a bitch other places, too.
Bryan Voltaggio is a chef from Frederick, Maryland. His younger brother Michael Voltaggio works in Los Angeles, so they're here to have not only a sibling showdown, but a coastal one. And speaking of chefs named Michael... Sigh. Mike Isabella is a chef in Washington, D.C. I guess they won't be too hard to differentiate if one is Michael and one is Mike. Ashley Merriman is from Seattle, and has a big Rachel Maddow vibe going on.
The chefs are driven to the M Resort Hotel & Casino, where this season's Kitchen will be. It's a bit industrial looking, but at least has a lot of space. They're met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma, who helpfully remain silent while we knock out more introductions. Laurine Wickett, despite a name that makes her sound like an old lady who sells yarn in Arkansas, works in catering in San Francisco. Hector Santiago may be a chef from Atlanta, but doesn't get to say so, only commenting on how pretty Padma is. I guess the final remaining chef was demoted to introducing herself in the opening credits, so let's just toss her in here. Robin Leventhal is a chef from Seattle who has survived cancer. She's got kind of a less-foul-mouthed Cynthia thing going on. There sure are a lot of tatts and piercings in this crew. I know that's common in the industry, but cripes. Seen as a group, they look like they all escaped from a nineteenth-century circus. I fear the Top Chef Swimsuit Calendar won't sell well this season. All right, let's get cooking!
Quickfire Challenge. Ptom explains that the chefs will break into groups of four for the mise en place relay race. A group of showgirls enters for no other reason than to remind us that we're in Vegas. I've caught the snap, thanks. Padma presents a hat full of poker chips to determine the teams. The teams wind up being:
Black Team: Mike, Eli, Ashley, and Hector
Blue Team: Jenc, Jesse, Mattin, and Bryan
Red Team: Preeti, Eve, Kevin, and Michael
Green Team: Jenz, Ron, Laurine, and Ash
Of course, seventeen people can't be broken evenly into four teams, and Robin pulls out a lone, gold chip. She doesn't know if this portends good news or bad news. It's good news. Padma tells her that not only can she sit out the relay race, but that she's granted automatic immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Wow, they weren't kidding about luck influencing the challenges this season. Preeti wishes she would have drawn the gold chip. She's about to find out just how much she wishes it. Although the relay race has been done before, this one is a lot more difficult than just dicing onions or whipping egg whites. The teams will have to shuck fifteen clams, peel thirty prawns, break down five lobsters, and butcher two chops from a rack of prime rib. Padma gives the chefs two minutes to figure out who's doing what. Preeti finds herself stuck with the clam-shucking, which she's never done. She nervously opines that it's the same as shucking oysters, but Kevin quickly corrects her. Nobody bothers to suggest that she switch tasks.
Ready? Go! Preeti has failed to magically acquire clam-schucking skills in the past ten seconds, which somehow takes her team by surprise. Ptom does not get off to a good start, as he shakes his head derisively at her. Is this one of those seasons that he's going to be an unmitigated ass? That's never fun. Jenz slices her hand open, interviewing that "the hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Wait, let me write that down. This is valuable career advice. "The hard part about building a nuclear reactor is knowing how to do it." "The hard part about vascular surgery is knowing how to do it." Hey, that does work! Mike sets himself up as the Tiffani/Hung/Lisa/Dale/Pretty Much Everyone In Season Two of the season by smarming that Jenc shouldn't be able to beat him at the clams, because of all those lady parts she has. He does narrowly edge her out. Curse those ovaries!
Eli and Jesse tear through the prawns, and the narrow gap between the Blue and Black teams stays about the same. Preeti saws away at her clams. Jenz wraps hers up, and Laurine gets going on the prawns. Ashley is on to the lobsters for the Black team, but she doesn't stand a chance again Mattin. He utterly destroys his lobsters, which couldn't be cleaned faster if he were Samantha on Bewitched. In no time, they're given the go-ahead for Bryan to tackle the prime rib.
Tiffany: "That's a big fucking piece of meat."
Limecrete: "That's what she said!"
We try to wedge in at least once per week. After Bryan gets started, Ashley finishes her lobsters, so Hector hopes he can catch up on the prime rib. Nope. Bryan whips through it, and the Blue team wins before the Red team is even finished with their clams. The Blue team isn't done, though. Now the four of them will cook against each other to determine the challenge's individual winner, who will get a poker chip worth $15,000. Wowsers.
Commercials. According to the sound editors, one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is going to shoot one of the other ones. Fine with me.
Ptom offers Robin the opportunity to trade immunity for the chance to compete for the poker chip. She holds on to the immunity, as would I. Mike cements his status as a tool by interpreting this to mean she's a scared old lady with no confidence in her skills. Yeah, it could be that. Or she could be giving up the chance for $15,000 for guaranteed advancement in a contest worth more than $200,000. Mike wouldn't need to consider that, as Robin is one of those female thingies, and couldn't possibly know how to cook, anyway.
Each member of the Blue team will have half an hour to cook with the ingredient they worked with in the relay race, which is a clever idea. Jesse worries, because she's never worked with prawns in her life. Wait a minute, she's from Baltimore, and has no idea what to do with shellfish? Take a crab mallet to her knees! Padma starts the clock. Bryan has worked at a steakhouse, and feels pretty good, though he wants to work on something "quick". Something quick for the Quickfire? Uncanny! Let me write that down underneath "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Jenc wants to make a clam ceviche, and pronounces it to rhyme with bleach. Mattin is happy to be stuck with lobster. Everyone plates their food just as time runs out.
Ptom and Padma go down the line. Jenc worries that her clam ceviche with citron vinegar is too simple. Mattin has cooked his lobster with bay leaves and star anise. Ew, I hate star anise. Jesse has thrown together her prawn with grits, polenta, and even more naked insecurity. Bryan has crusted the rib eye with fennel and black pepper and serves it with caramelized celery and a chive puree. I like my meat rather bloody, but his cut looks almost raw. At least he realizes it, and has the strict time limit to blame. Ptom's bottom two wind up being Bryan for his bland puree and Mattin for his bland seasoning. He did like Jenc's clean ceviche and the amount of flavor Jesse was able to develop out of her prawn. Jesse clutches her chest like she's been voted Awesomest Person of the Year. The winner winds up being Jenc, who turns redder than Mattin's lobsters. She jogs up to collect her valuable poker chip, and kisses Ptom on the cheek, to which he makes a hilarious "Um....OK" face. Jenc hopes she can win every single challenge from here on out. Sounds boring.
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that they'd like to explore the chefs' dark sides. Eve grins nervously, because the darkest thing she's ever done is double-dip her corn chip in some salsa. Today's Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish based on each chef's vice. The chefs will be cooking against the others on their Quickfire team; each team will yield someone up for the win and someone up for elimination. Robin gets to choose which team she cooks with, and chooses Blue. The chefs have $150 and thirty minutes to shop at Whole Foods before cooking for two hours. This week's guest judge is Wolfgang Puck, which makes the chefs all anxious and tittery.
Interstitial. Kevin goes down the waterslide into the pool. And...scene.
Shopping. Mike indulges in some more casual misogyny. Kevin disdains Eli's strategy of buying a dozen scallops. Kevin himself borrows a fish filet and buries his nose in it to get a sense of its quality.
Kevin: "I'll take this."
Tiffany: "I would hope so; you fucking stuck your boogers in it."
More shopping. Bryan reminds us that in three of the five previous seasons, the winner of the first Elimination Challenge wound up winning the whole season. Ron is too busy telling us about his hellish, month-long journey from Haiti to the United States to worry much about game statistics. Jenz interviews that she's going to represent her hot temper with a chile relleno that she plans to make with seitan. Everyone checks out.
Later, the chefs head to Wolfgang Puck's restaurant at the Palazzo. Kevin describes his vice as procrastination, so he's cooking Arctic char in an uncharacteristically slow fashion. Preeti hopes to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance. Michael is doing a salute to Vegas' love of plastic surgery. If you're sitting there thinking. "Wait, that's not a vice of his... And wait, Vegas isn't known for plastic surgery," you're in good company. Laurine says her vices include donuts, bacon, chocolate, and beer. That's more like it. Kevin calls Jenz' use of seitan "ballsy" because nobody likes it. I've never tried it, but have no trouble believing that something that is used as an alternative to tofu wouldn't light up the taste buds. Jenc's vice is that she's a booze hag, so she works a lot of liquor into her sauce. Jesse works with chicken and worries that it's too dried out.
Hector plans to smoke his steak by deep-frying it. Mike is snobby some more, though at least in it's reference to a guy this time. I can tell I'm going to have to pace myself with the "Mike is a snobby tool" comments, or I'll never have time to type anything else. It may be time for the return of the Smarmerview. Eve cannot track down any white wine. Her "vice" is that she wishes she were more simple and easygoing. Yeah, I was just thinking to myself that Eve is far too complex and dramatic. Snerk. Her lack of white wine makes her sauce unbalanced, and while she's fussing over that, her seafood overcooks. Jenz' chile rellenos look nasty. The breading is falling off in big, chunky wads. Time runs out before Robin can plate her sauce. She's embarrassed, but relieved that she's got immunity.
Commercials. Don't buy an expensive toothbrush! Buy this $15 one!
Dinner. The Black team comes out and presents their food to Padma, Ptom, Gail, and Wolfgang Puck. Mike's vice is a bad temper and foul mouth, and he's made olive oil-poached halibut formed like a bar of soap that his mother would have washed his mouth out with. It's served on top of eggplant puree. Okay, I don't like him, but that is very clever, and looks good to boot. Eli has tried to work in arrogance and bitterness by making "buttered" scotch with scallops, cashews, and beer powder. I'm not sure what beer powder is, and I'm getting weary of the overuse of scallops these days, but all right. Ashley's vice is alcohol. In fact, just assume that all of these people's vices include alcohol in some capacity. Her dish is chicken liver ravioli with a red wine demi-glace, so she gets the honor of having the first dish that actively makes me want to dive into the television screen head-first to get at her food. Hector's vice is smoking, so he's smoked some rib eye in the deep fryer, and serves it with carrot puree and celery ceviche.
The chefs are dismissed and the judges tuck in. Eli's scallops are good, but overworked. Hector's method of deep-frying totally mystifies everyone. Mike has shown experience and focus. Ashley is completely ignored.
Blue team. Bryan has made strip steak with a parsnip puree and a bourbon reduction caramel. Mattin is stubborn, so he's made buffalo rib eye with Madeira sauce. There are some zucchini-wrapped mashed potatoes on the side. I'm not sure what that has to do with stubbornness, but maybe something was lost in the translation. Jenc says her vice is alcohol, and that she tends to do a lot of stupid things after a lot of it.
Timiffany: "So does Padma."
Jenc has made halibut poached in a variety of liquors, served with a black peppercorn sauce. Jesse's vice is excess, and has given the judges the entire chicken, which is a smart idea. It's been braised in a whiskey reduction, and is served with Yukon potatoes and a fried egg. Hmm, I'm not sure about that egg. Robin says that she's a bad Jew, so pork is her vice. Holla, sister! She says she attempted to make pork five ways, such as a pork tenderloin stuffed with chorizo. Mmmm. She's saddened to tell the judges that her gastrique didn't make it onto the plate. They're dismissed. The judges like Bryan's steak, but I'm happy to see that the judges (and by extension perhaps people who matter in the food world) are getting sick of purees under every goddamn thing. Jenc's sauce is great, and Wolfgang proclaims that they wouldn't be able to find a better piece of halibut anywhere else in Vegas. I have to say, I know Vegas is home to some amazing feats of food, but last time I was there, LabRat and I went to what was supposedly an amazing sushi place, and agreed that we get better sushi here in St. Louis. Geography isn't everything. Jesse's chicken was dry. Mattin's meat was nice, but the sides made no sense, and he didn't show much personality in his food.
Green team. Ash has made poached halibut. What's with all the poached halibut tonight? Was there a sale? His is served on a vegetable ratatouille and parsley coulis. Jenz' chile relleno still looks kind of gross, and is served on grilled tomatillo salsa. Ron's "vice" is an inability to let his hellish month-long journey from Haiti go, so he's prepared jerked sea bass with collard greens and a Haitian hash.
Limecrete: "Topped with a demi-glace of his tears."
Laurine serves bacon donuts with both a chocolate sauce and a beer sauce. The chefs are dismissed. Ron's dish was a bit fussy, but the judges tap dance a bit to avoid overly-criticizing a man who just spilled his soul. Jenz' chile relleno was flavorless and clunky. Laurine's sauces were good, but her donuts are like golf balls. Wolfgang's colorful descriptions crack Ptom up. Ash isn't discussed.
Red team. Michael describes his homage to plastic surgery with a rack of lamb and coconut sauce with cauliflower gnocchi. Preeti has braised pork tenderloin with bourbon and yes, there's another goddamn puree underneath it, this one of sweet potato. Eve spins her story of wanting to be less complicated, then presents her plate of shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce. Kevin describes his portrayal of procrastination through the slow-cooked Arctic char with a turnip salsa verde and celery salad. They're dismissed. The judges love Kevin's food and his techniques. Eve's was blah. Michael had some good flavors and good presentation.
Commercials. Jennifer Aniston is in a paint-by-numbers romantic comedy. Try to contain your shock.
Judges' Table. The chefs have their usual fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen. Jenz describes her dish to Mike, who has never heard of seitan, and once he's told what it involves, looks like he wishes he still hasn't. Padma comes back and summons Ron, Mike, Kevin, and Jenc to the table. She tries to imbue her tone with grievous importance, but once they leave, Ash immediately pegs the four of them as the winning group. Indeed, they each have the best dish of their group. Mike's fish was well-seasoned and focused. Wolfgang gives Jenc's halibut effusive praise, and kids her about her drinking. She blushes hardcore. Ron's island flavors came through well. Kevin executed everything really well. Wolfgang gets to announce the winner, which is... Kevin. Jenc comes over to hug him, which was nice. Padma sends them back to summon the losers.
Kevin's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Ron tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Hector, Jenz, Jesse, and Eve. Everyone wishes them luck. The Odd Asian music is strangely absent, though our old friend the Gong sticks around to announce their entrance into the dining room. Hector didn't have enough smoke flavor, and his method of deep-frying the steak was questionable. He explains that he wanted a crunchy outside with caramelized fat. I've heard worse reasoning. Eve's sauce tasted like it had no seasoning whatsoever.
Eve: "I actually toned it down a little bit, to be aaaaaahnest."
Limecrete: "Aaaaaahnest?"
LabRat: "Oh, my God. She's got to be from Michigan. That is pure Michigan."
Tim: "Let me see... Yep. Ann Arbor, Michigan."
LabRat: "Gah! I knew it!"
LabRat went to grad school in Michigan, and his opinion of its residents... Let's just say it's strong. Anyhow, Eve blathers something nonsensical, up to a Jill level of utter lack of comprehension, and perhaps even a bit beyond. Everything on her plate gets a big thumbs down. Jenz' food was unrefined, and Gail didn't get any of the heat she was going for. Unlike Eve, who accepted her criticisms meekly, Jenz disagrees with the judges. She says that she's made this same exact dish before with much better feedback. The judges ask her about her use of the much-discussed seitan. Jenz clearly enjoys it, though nobody else did. Jesse had a good idea, but her chicken was dried out. Jesse understands exactly what she did wrong, and almost bursts into tears at what is really a pretty mild critique. I don't sense her sticking around for long. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Gail was happy to see that most of the losing chefs harbored no delusions about why they were in the bottom. Jesse had a good idea, and only a minor problem of execution. Hector had bad execution, but at least had some imagination. Ptom also thinks he had stiffer competition in a very strong Black team. Jenz' pepper wasn't cooked properly or seasoned properly. Eve's shrimp was hideously overcooked, she didn't season one thing correctly, and she had no overall concept. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Hector didn't smoke his meat well. Eve's a mess from top to bottom. Jenz' idea didn't come across, and her dish plain sucked. Jesse's chicken was dry. Ptom says the decision as to who is first to go is always a difficult one. Really? I would think this first round would be the easiest to judge. There's always at least a couple of chefs who are clearly out of their depth. Speaking of which, let's go over to Padma for the chop. Jenz. Please pack your knives and go. Interesting. I really thought it would be Eve. Terrible as Jenz' dish seemed to be, she at least had a concept. Jesse gives her a commiserating squeeze on the way out of the dining room. Jenz interviews that she didn't think she'd go this early, and that she just tried to do something different to stand out. Well, if that was her goal, I'd say she met it.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Yelling. Tattoos. Weird-ass challenges. Weird-ass guest judges. Fighting. Misuse of the word literally.
Overall Grade: B+
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Psycho Killer - Qu'est-ce que C'est?
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 13
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We start off with a flashback to sixteen years ago, when Harper's Island was always sun-dappled. Young Abby and Young Henry have a friendly spar over a soccer ball. Henry's "parents" come to pick him up, along with Young JD. The Dunns are heading back to the mainland to get the boys ready for school. Valerie Harper enters, and the two women exchange meaningful looks. Young Henry and Young Abby run out of the house and down to the water. They're both sad that Young Henry has to leave, and Young Abby leans forward and whispers something in his ear. He ruefully hands over the soccer ball, and tells Young Abby he'll see her next summer.
The present. Ain't no sun-dappling now. Henry and Wakefield stand over Trish's body. Henry has a slight tinge of regret, but strengthens his resolve when Wakefield tells him Trish served her purpose and that nothing else matters. Wakefield reports on Danny's death and Shea and Madison's escape. That's all the conversation they have time for, as they hear Abby hysterically calling for Henry. Henry tells Wakefield that they only have a couple of hours before the Coast Guard shows up, so they'd better get cracking on killing everyone else.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison make it to the boathouse, where they tell Blond Tool what happened at the police station. After he has a completely understandable freakout, he collects himself enough to contact the Coast Guard again to let them know that they really need to hurry if they'd like to find more than a stack of corpses. They're still fighting bad weather, so the rescue chopper can't take off. How about some boats, Coast Guard? Speaking of which, Blond Tool spots some mini-crafts lashed to the ceiling. MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy stumble across Trish's body. Henry and Wakefield spy on them from the woods, and Wakefield tells Henry that it's time to kill Abby.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool sends Shea and Madison off in a speedboat towards the mainland, nobly choosing to remain behind to help the others. It's the last episode, so I'm afraid no amount of nobility can shake the nickname now; it's too ingrained. Elsewhere, Jimmy convinces Abby that it may be in their best interest to head back towards the boathouse. Blond Tool reports to the Coast Guard about picking up Shea and Madison's boat. Henry enters in time to hear about Shea and Madison's escape and that the Coast Guard should arrive within the hour. Henry inspects a gun before handing it over to Blond Tool. Then the two of them leave to round up whoever they can before meeting the Coast Guard at the marina.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield drags Trish through the woods. Henry and Blond Tool wander their way through the woods as well, and since they're alone, Henry's got an opportunity to make another checkmark on the Kill Everyone On the Island To-Do List. First, he's got to spout a lot of claptrap about how Wakefield's kid has a lot to be pissed about, because oh-my-God, he was adopted by an upper middle class family. Can you think of any greater hell? Blond Tool, to his credit, doesn't accept "being adopted" as a legitimate motive for serial murder.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy continue their trend of showing up places moments after everyone has left. Jimmy notices the missing speedboat. He grabs a couple of flares and hears from the radio operator at the Coast Guard that Henry and Blond Tool have headed for the marina. That doesn't explain the missing boat, but Abby and Jimmy don't really have time to think about that right now.
MEANWHILE, Henry is tired of wearing his good-guy mask, so he admits to Blond Tool that he killed Trish and JD, saying that Abby almost caught him doing the latter. All that blood makes more sense now. Just as the truth sinks into Blond Tool, Henry lists his other murders: The reverend, Richard, and Katherine. Wait, wasn't he having sex on top of his wedding cake when the reverend was murdered? And wasn't he playing grave robber with Abby and the sheriff when Richard was killed? See, this is why every good murder mystery needs how-I-did-it flashbacks. Katherine makes more sense, anyway -- Henry did have those shears. He also reveals that the money Uncle Marty brought was to invest in Malcolm's brewery. That doesn't really explain the gun Uncle Marty also brought, but whatever. Blond Tool has heard enough to pull the trigger, but of course Henry was the one who gave him the gun, which isn't loaded anymore. Henry distracts Blond Tool with Wakefield's presence, which gives Henry the chance to stab him to death. So long, Blond Tool! I hope there are a bunch of slutty girls in heaven!
Abby and Jimmy find Henry in the woods. He lies about looking for Trish, saying that he hasn't seen anyone else. Abby is too upset about having to inform Henry of Trish's death to have caught the lie. It gets even more convoluted when they return to the scene of Trish's body, which is no longer there, thanks to Wakefield. Henry runs off in faux-hysteria, leading Abby and Jimmy to the church. An unattended radio at the boathouse informs the air that the rescue chopper will be there in twenty minutes. Jimmy tells Abby that he'd never leave her alone, the way Henry left Trish. Leaving aside all the Henry-is-the-killer facts, it's easy to say that now. From what I've seen, Abby and Jimmy were separated plenty. Anyhow, they all enter the church to find Trish's body on the altar. Abby barely has time to express sympathy before Wakefield shows up and attacks. Jimmy fights him off. Abby hears the chopper and Jimmy yells for her to go and signal it with the flares. Wakefield calls to Henry that she's getting away, which of course sells Henry out, not that it matters now.
Jimmy grabs the other flare, lights it, and shoves it into Wakefield, which doesn't do any more harm than the bullets to the face did. It does at least give Jimmy time to run away. Oh, and the church is on fire now. Henry takes a shot at Jimmy, but we don't see if it hits or not. Henry runs out to catch Abby, and tells her that Wakefield got Jimmy. He also asks where they're supposed to meet the Coast Guard, which keys Abby in to Henry's lie. The Coast Guard told her that they had sent Henry and Blond Tool to the marina, but Henry said he hadn't seen anyone when they found him in the woods. As she processes this, Wakefield strolls up behind her and Henry unfolds his knife. He lunges forward, pushes Abby aside, and plunges the knife into his father's chest. Wakefield has run out of his seemingly endless supply of lives, and though he takes about an hour to drop, he finally does. Abby finally puts everything together, but not fast enough, and Henry grabs her and throws her to the ground, knocking her out.
MEANWHILE, on the mainland, Shea and Madison are conferring with the authorities. Madison makes sure to get in one last creepy brat plug before being escorted out so an agent can tell Shea that everyone she knew on the island died there in the big church fire. They know that because of some trace blood samples left behind. You know, because fire completely wipes out the entire body. Twits. The agent tells Shea that other than a handful of locals (which I guess includes the psychic and the annoying coroner), she and Madison are the sole survivors.
MEANWHILE, back on the island, the FBI packs up and leaves. Abby awakes to find herself in an eerily well-appointed bedroom, with fresh clothes laid out on a nearby table. She comes downstairs to find a jittery Henry, who promises to explain everything. He tells her he chose her over Wakefield. She, weirdly, doesn't explode with gratitude, but throws a glass at him and runs to another room, where she shuts herself in. He calls through the door that he can wait for her to calm down, as they've got all the time in the world, the way they hoped they would when they were kids. We flash back to Young Abby and Young Henry again, and hear what Young Abby whispered in his ear. She wishes the two of them could stay on Harper's Island together forever, just the two of them. And since Henry is kookypants, I guess he took that to mean slaughter everyone else.
After he's left her alone, Abby busts a picture frame and grabs a shard of glass to use as a weapon. She comes downstairs to yell at Henry, telling him he can't pin what he's done on her, and that's he sick and needs help. Good Lord, is she still pushing the Save the Psycho agenda? Cause that didn't work out too well when she spared Wakefield. She asks about Trish, and Henry says the wedding was the only way he could think of to get Abby back to the island. OK, but then why throw a big production of a destination wedding instead of just writing Abby and saying that he was having a small, private wedding back on the island? It certainly would have been less work for him and Wakefield. I guess that'd make for a short series, though. Abby points out that she and Henry are half-siblings, but that doesn't stand in the way of his crazy love. We finally get a how-I-did-it flashback of sorts, but unfortunately, it's more of a how-I-became-crazy flashback.
Henry met Wakefield the day of the original killing spree, when Valerie Harper was killed. They had some moronic instant connection, and then we skip forward in time, because they can't explain how Wakefield survived when everyone else thought he was dead, or why Henry just wrote off the entire experience until Wakefield found him later. It was at this second meeting that Wakefield revealed to Henry that he was his father. That knowledge, along with some latent batch of crazy, turned Henry into what he is today. Wakefield took Henry on the serial murder field trip on the mainland that the sheriff was tracking. He tells Abby that unlike Wakefield, he won't destroy the one he loves. I suppose that's a small step forward. If he and Abby ever have kids, maybe they could take another step forward and not kill all of their friends.
Abby's heard enough, and grabs what I think is a telescope. She bashes out the glass in the patio door, and sprints for the nearby utility shed. Why she heads there instead of trying to get as far from the house as possible is beyond me. Oh, because she's got Jimmy-radar up her ass, and finds him alive, bound, and gagged in the shed. Henry pops in and grabs her, dragging her back to the house. He tells her he wasn't supposed to find Jimmy, and that as far as the world's concerned, all of them died in the church fire. Abby asks why Jimmy is still alive, and Henry intimates that because Shea and Madison made it off the island, everyone knows that someone was helping Wakefield. Jimmy is alive to be set up as the patsy. I don't get to say "patsy" nearly enough. Abby tries to run again, but Henry is ready for her now. He grabs her and locks her in a room, then sets off to make Jimmy sign a false confession. Abby tries to pick the lock, without much success.
Later, Henry comes in and tells her Jimmy won't sign the confession unless he gets to say good-bye to Abby. He leads her to the shed. Jimmy is still bound and gagged. Hey, why is he gagged? It's not like there's anyone around to hear him. Henry tells her to say good-bye. She approaches Jimmy, and apologizes for leaving all those years ago. She pulls the gag off and kisses him, which Henry doesn't stand for. He walks up and pulls her off, then slaps the shit out of her when she says she loves Jimmy. He's immediately upset about that, and now that Jimmy's ungagged, he's able to distract Henry long enough for Abby to pick up a sharp implement and plunge it into Henry's foot. I'll be generous, and assume that she was aiming for his heart and just missed by a country mile, rather than yell at her AGAIN for failing to take out a psycho killer when she had the chance. She runs out the door. Henry, after pausing to grab another sharp implement, is in hot pursuit.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy takes the pick that Abby slipped him when they kissed, and sets to work on freeing himself. Henry yells to Abby that anyone else on the island is miles away. Wait, so those surviving locals are still around? They didn't go to the mainland with the FBI? They're just waiting around, presumably waiting for the grocery store to reopen or whatever? Jeez. Henry eventually traps Abby at the top of a steep slope, and swears he'd never hurt her, hurling the implement over the cliff. Abby screams that she doesn't want to be with Henry, just in time for Jimmy to show up and tackle him. Both of them fall off the slope down to the rocky shore beneath. Abby rushes down to tend to Jimmy. She sees on his face that something's coming up behind her, and for once, she has the presence of mind to grab that sharp implement that Henry abandoned, swings around, and runs Henry completely through. He manages to tell her he loves her before dropping dead. We exit on a pre-ferry video in which the dearly departed wish Henry and Trish much love and luck in their marriage. Except for Non-Entity Beth, of course. Jimmy and Abby have been rescued by the Coast Guard, and return to the mainland to live in peace and love each other and have severe psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Congrats, you two!
Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: B+
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We start off with a flashback to sixteen years ago, when Harper's Island was always sun-dappled. Young Abby and Young Henry have a friendly spar over a soccer ball. Henry's "parents" come to pick him up, along with Young JD. The Dunns are heading back to the mainland to get the boys ready for school. Valerie Harper enters, and the two women exchange meaningful looks. Young Henry and Young Abby run out of the house and down to the water. They're both sad that Young Henry has to leave, and Young Abby leans forward and whispers something in his ear. He ruefully hands over the soccer ball, and tells Young Abby he'll see her next summer.
The present. Ain't no sun-dappling now. Henry and Wakefield stand over Trish's body. Henry has a slight tinge of regret, but strengthens his resolve when Wakefield tells him Trish served her purpose and that nothing else matters. Wakefield reports on Danny's death and Shea and Madison's escape. That's all the conversation they have time for, as they hear Abby hysterically calling for Henry. Henry tells Wakefield that they only have a couple of hours before the Coast Guard shows up, so they'd better get cracking on killing everyone else.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison make it to the boathouse, where they tell Blond Tool what happened at the police station. After he has a completely understandable freakout, he collects himself enough to contact the Coast Guard again to let them know that they really need to hurry if they'd like to find more than a stack of corpses. They're still fighting bad weather, so the rescue chopper can't take off. How about some boats, Coast Guard? Speaking of which, Blond Tool spots some mini-crafts lashed to the ceiling. MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy stumble across Trish's body. Henry and Wakefield spy on them from the woods, and Wakefield tells Henry that it's time to kill Abby.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool sends Shea and Madison off in a speedboat towards the mainland, nobly choosing to remain behind to help the others. It's the last episode, so I'm afraid no amount of nobility can shake the nickname now; it's too ingrained. Elsewhere, Jimmy convinces Abby that it may be in their best interest to head back towards the boathouse. Blond Tool reports to the Coast Guard about picking up Shea and Madison's boat. Henry enters in time to hear about Shea and Madison's escape and that the Coast Guard should arrive within the hour. Henry inspects a gun before handing it over to Blond Tool. Then the two of them leave to round up whoever they can before meeting the Coast Guard at the marina.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield drags Trish through the woods. Henry and Blond Tool wander their way through the woods as well, and since they're alone, Henry's got an opportunity to make another checkmark on the Kill Everyone On the Island To-Do List. First, he's got to spout a lot of claptrap about how Wakefield's kid has a lot to be pissed about, because oh-my-God, he was adopted by an upper middle class family. Can you think of any greater hell? Blond Tool, to his credit, doesn't accept "being adopted" as a legitimate motive for serial murder.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy continue their trend of showing up places moments after everyone has left. Jimmy notices the missing speedboat. He grabs a couple of flares and hears from the radio operator at the Coast Guard that Henry and Blond Tool have headed for the marina. That doesn't explain the missing boat, but Abby and Jimmy don't really have time to think about that right now.
MEANWHILE, Henry is tired of wearing his good-guy mask, so he admits to Blond Tool that he killed Trish and JD, saying that Abby almost caught him doing the latter. All that blood makes more sense now. Just as the truth sinks into Blond Tool, Henry lists his other murders: The reverend, Richard, and Katherine. Wait, wasn't he having sex on top of his wedding cake when the reverend was murdered? And wasn't he playing grave robber with Abby and the sheriff when Richard was killed? See, this is why every good murder mystery needs how-I-did-it flashbacks. Katherine makes more sense, anyway -- Henry did have those shears. He also reveals that the money Uncle Marty brought was to invest in Malcolm's brewery. That doesn't really explain the gun Uncle Marty also brought, but whatever. Blond Tool has heard enough to pull the trigger, but of course Henry was the one who gave him the gun, which isn't loaded anymore. Henry distracts Blond Tool with Wakefield's presence, which gives Henry the chance to stab him to death. So long, Blond Tool! I hope there are a bunch of slutty girls in heaven!
Abby and Jimmy find Henry in the woods. He lies about looking for Trish, saying that he hasn't seen anyone else. Abby is too upset about having to inform Henry of Trish's death to have caught the lie. It gets even more convoluted when they return to the scene of Trish's body, which is no longer there, thanks to Wakefield. Henry runs off in faux-hysteria, leading Abby and Jimmy to the church. An unattended radio at the boathouse informs the air that the rescue chopper will be there in twenty minutes. Jimmy tells Abby that he'd never leave her alone, the way Henry left Trish. Leaving aside all the Henry-is-the-killer facts, it's easy to say that now. From what I've seen, Abby and Jimmy were separated plenty. Anyhow, they all enter the church to find Trish's body on the altar. Abby barely has time to express sympathy before Wakefield shows up and attacks. Jimmy fights him off. Abby hears the chopper and Jimmy yells for her to go and signal it with the flares. Wakefield calls to Henry that she's getting away, which of course sells Henry out, not that it matters now.
Jimmy grabs the other flare, lights it, and shoves it into Wakefield, which doesn't do any more harm than the bullets to the face did. It does at least give Jimmy time to run away. Oh, and the church is on fire now. Henry takes a shot at Jimmy, but we don't see if it hits or not. Henry runs out to catch Abby, and tells her that Wakefield got Jimmy. He also asks where they're supposed to meet the Coast Guard, which keys Abby in to Henry's lie. The Coast Guard told her that they had sent Henry and Blond Tool to the marina, but Henry said he hadn't seen anyone when they found him in the woods. As she processes this, Wakefield strolls up behind her and Henry unfolds his knife. He lunges forward, pushes Abby aside, and plunges the knife into his father's chest. Wakefield has run out of his seemingly endless supply of lives, and though he takes about an hour to drop, he finally does. Abby finally puts everything together, but not fast enough, and Henry grabs her and throws her to the ground, knocking her out.
MEANWHILE, on the mainland, Shea and Madison are conferring with the authorities. Madison makes sure to get in one last creepy brat plug before being escorted out so an agent can tell Shea that everyone she knew on the island died there in the big church fire. They know that because of some trace blood samples left behind. You know, because fire completely wipes out the entire body. Twits. The agent tells Shea that other than a handful of locals (which I guess includes the psychic and the annoying coroner), she and Madison are the sole survivors.
MEANWHILE, back on the island, the FBI packs up and leaves. Abby awakes to find herself in an eerily well-appointed bedroom, with fresh clothes laid out on a nearby table. She comes downstairs to find a jittery Henry, who promises to explain everything. He tells her he chose her over Wakefield. She, weirdly, doesn't explode with gratitude, but throws a glass at him and runs to another room, where she shuts herself in. He calls through the door that he can wait for her to calm down, as they've got all the time in the world, the way they hoped they would when they were kids. We flash back to Young Abby and Young Henry again, and hear what Young Abby whispered in his ear. She wishes the two of them could stay on Harper's Island together forever, just the two of them. And since Henry is kookypants, I guess he took that to mean slaughter everyone else.
After he's left her alone, Abby busts a picture frame and grabs a shard of glass to use as a weapon. She comes downstairs to yell at Henry, telling him he can't pin what he's done on her, and that's he sick and needs help. Good Lord, is she still pushing the Save the Psycho agenda? Cause that didn't work out too well when she spared Wakefield. She asks about Trish, and Henry says the wedding was the only way he could think of to get Abby back to the island. OK, but then why throw a big production of a destination wedding instead of just writing Abby and saying that he was having a small, private wedding back on the island? It certainly would have been less work for him and Wakefield. I guess that'd make for a short series, though. Abby points out that she and Henry are half-siblings, but that doesn't stand in the way of his crazy love. We finally get a how-I-did-it flashback of sorts, but unfortunately, it's more of a how-I-became-crazy flashback.
Henry met Wakefield the day of the original killing spree, when Valerie Harper was killed. They had some moronic instant connection, and then we skip forward in time, because they can't explain how Wakefield survived when everyone else thought he was dead, or why Henry just wrote off the entire experience until Wakefield found him later. It was at this second meeting that Wakefield revealed to Henry that he was his father. That knowledge, along with some latent batch of crazy, turned Henry into what he is today. Wakefield took Henry on the serial murder field trip on the mainland that the sheriff was tracking. He tells Abby that unlike Wakefield, he won't destroy the one he loves. I suppose that's a small step forward. If he and Abby ever have kids, maybe they could take another step forward and not kill all of their friends.
Abby's heard enough, and grabs what I think is a telescope. She bashes out the glass in the patio door, and sprints for the nearby utility shed. Why she heads there instead of trying to get as far from the house as possible is beyond me. Oh, because she's got Jimmy-radar up her ass, and finds him alive, bound, and gagged in the shed. Henry pops in and grabs her, dragging her back to the house. He tells her he wasn't supposed to find Jimmy, and that as far as the world's concerned, all of them died in the church fire. Abby asks why Jimmy is still alive, and Henry intimates that because Shea and Madison made it off the island, everyone knows that someone was helping Wakefield. Jimmy is alive to be set up as the patsy. I don't get to say "patsy" nearly enough. Abby tries to run again, but Henry is ready for her now. He grabs her and locks her in a room, then sets off to make Jimmy sign a false confession. Abby tries to pick the lock, without much success.
Later, Henry comes in and tells her Jimmy won't sign the confession unless he gets to say good-bye to Abby. He leads her to the shed. Jimmy is still bound and gagged. Hey, why is he gagged? It's not like there's anyone around to hear him. Henry tells her to say good-bye. She approaches Jimmy, and apologizes for leaving all those years ago. She pulls the gag off and kisses him, which Henry doesn't stand for. He walks up and pulls her off, then slaps the shit out of her when she says she loves Jimmy. He's immediately upset about that, and now that Jimmy's ungagged, he's able to distract Henry long enough for Abby to pick up a sharp implement and plunge it into Henry's foot. I'll be generous, and assume that she was aiming for his heart and just missed by a country mile, rather than yell at her AGAIN for failing to take out a psycho killer when she had the chance. She runs out the door. Henry, after pausing to grab another sharp implement, is in hot pursuit.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy takes the pick that Abby slipped him when they kissed, and sets to work on freeing himself. Henry yells to Abby that anyone else on the island is miles away. Wait, so those surviving locals are still around? They didn't go to the mainland with the FBI? They're just waiting around, presumably waiting for the grocery store to reopen or whatever? Jeez. Henry eventually traps Abby at the top of a steep slope, and swears he'd never hurt her, hurling the implement over the cliff. Abby screams that she doesn't want to be with Henry, just in time for Jimmy to show up and tackle him. Both of them fall off the slope down to the rocky shore beneath. Abby rushes down to tend to Jimmy. She sees on his face that something's coming up behind her, and for once, she has the presence of mind to grab that sharp implement that Henry abandoned, swings around, and runs Henry completely through. He manages to tell her he loves her before dropping dead. We exit on a pre-ferry video in which the dearly departed wish Henry and Trish much love and luck in their marriage. Except for Non-Entity Beth, of course. Jimmy and Abby have been rescued by the Coast Guard, and return to the mainland to live in peace and love each other and have severe psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Congrats, you two!
Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: B+
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Oh, Henry
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 12
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Wakefield is now content to wander around the woods. As are Henry and Abby. As are Danny and Blond Tool. Blond Tool thinks they'll cover more ground if they split up. Danny is sensibly not thrilled with this plan, but allows himself to be swayed.
MEANWHILE, Trish wakes up in the car, but Jimmy is nowhere to be seen. He startles her by popping up at her window and announcing that he saw a ship. She asks him where, and he tells her he went walking on the bluffs about a quarter mile away. OK, so either Jimmy is the second killer or he's a red herring. If he's the killer, I don't see why he didn't murder Trish while she was sleeping, but that's his prerogative. On the other hand, if he's not a killer, it was incredibly stupid and callous of him to leave her sleeping and alone out in the open. Trish is naturally offended, and asks him if he just abandoned her. He ignores her, and fishes some flares out of the car to signal the ship. The promise of a rescue overrides the insult, and Trish follows Jimmy towards the bluffs.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield spots Danny tromping through the woods. He runs to attack with his spear, but Blond Tool pops out of the woods and shoots him in the head. Wakefield, apparently composed of the same material as the Terminators, is wounded but alive. Sure, who isn't able to shrug off a shotgun blast to the face? Abby and Henry hear the shot, and head in that direction. It becomes apparent that the whole split-up idea was bait to lure Wakefield out. Score one for Blond Tool. That one point is immediately taken away when he and Danny just stand there with their guns trained on the squirming Wakefield. Hello? Guys? This man has murdered all of your dearest friends, and has proven to be extremely slippery. I don't think law enforcement would punish you too harshly for finishing him off, especially after all the cops he's killed. Blond Tool offers the kill to Abby, but she's unable to take the shot. She bashes him unconscious, instead. I guess we're supposed to conclude that she's a Good Person Who Won't Sink To The Murderer's Level, but to me, it's reckless and almost criminally negligent.
The commercial break gives the characters enough time for someone to conclude that it might be wise to kill Wakefield. Blond Tool is all for it, but Danny says that it's not their job. No, it's the police force's job. Why don't we ask the sheriff to arrest him? How about that deputy in the cellblock? The two cops from the mainland? Deputy Burnface McGee? Again, we're supposed to think the characters who want Wakefield to presumably go to trial are noble, but honestly, they're just being dumb. Henry and Abby agree with Danny, so Blond Tool is outvoted, and must go along with the plan to tie Wakefield up and hold him until more police arrive. Wakefield is up and about now. I guess those shotgun shells were made of pudding.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Trish get to the bluffs, and the ship Jimmy claimed to have seen is nowhere. Trish walks up to the very edge of the cliff. Back in the woods, Wakefield is tied up with a couple of belts. Abby beats herself up for not following through on her father's explicit instructions to kill Wakefield. She doesn't beat herself up enough. Everyone teleports over to the police station, and steps past the deputy's corpse so that Henry can lock Wakefield in a cell. He then goes to collect Trish and Jimmy, while Abby volunteers to go get Shea and Madison. Henry suggests meeting back at the police station. Danny, once again the timid voice of reason, doesn't think that's the best idea, but backs down yet again when Henry assures him that Wakefield is safely locked away. He and Trish leave, and Blond Tool heads back to the cellblock over Danny's objections. Blond Tool tases Wakefield, which causes him more pain than the bullet to the face did.
MEANWHILE, Henry reaches the empty car at the tunnel entrance. Abby, Shea, and Madison get back to the police station without incident. Madison gets back to being a creepy brat. She's been out of practice, lately, so she goes for double duty by sneaking back to look at Wakefield. Henry arrives, and announces that he couldn't find Jimmy and Trish. Nobody's too panicked, as Wakefield hasn't had any opportunity to get over to that area, but Shea realizes that leaving Trish alone with Jimmy wasn't perhaps the best idea. She reports what she and Madison found in the sheriff's attic. Nobody has time to absorb this before Madison pops back in to tell Abby that Wakefield wants to talk to her.
Abby goes back to the cell, and she and Wakefield have a fairly cryptic conversation about his motives. She wonders why he's still killing if the objects of his revenge are dead, and he wonders if Valerie Harper really loved the sheriff. He never really answers the first question, and of course she's biased in the matter of the second. MEANWHILE, in the front room, the others are making a case for Jimmy being the second killer. He survived the marina explosion, Wakefield delivered him alive to the bar (where he miraculously survived the bloodbath), and he knows his way around head spades. Shea points out that Jimmy doesn't really have much of a connection with most of the victims, but Henry and Blond Tool think the whole thing may be an elaborate plan to punish Abby.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield and Abby blah about Valerie Harper giving up Wakefield's kid, but keeping Abby. If we're going to start getting around to motives here, it'd be great if they were lifted from something better than Scream 3. Just as Henry gets ready to go look for Trish and Jimmy, Jimmy bursts into the office. He reports that Trish slipped and fell at the bluffs. Suspicious eyes are all fixed on him, and Henry relieves him of his gun. Abby and Wakefield bicker about Valerie Harper's worth as a mother, and Abby asks how Wakefield even knows Valerie had his child. Wakefield responds that he found him. Crap, it's a "him"? There goes my Trish theory. The commotion from the outer office distracts Abby, and she rushes out to find Henry ready to attack. Everyone reaches a consensus in which Jimmy, Henry, Abby, and Blond Tool will go to help Trish, but if she's not there, Jimmy's in big trouble. They teleport over to the bluffs and start looking around.
MEANWHILE, Danny rustles up what grub he can for Shea, Madison, and himself. Madison is hungry enough to eat a cherry Pop-Tart (ew), but says that she also got some food when she was imprisoned in the tunnel. Shea asks if Wakefield fed her, and Madison says that no, somebody else brought them food. Shea's all "Whaaaaa?", and asks why Madison didn't think to mention that two people were keeping her captive. Seriously. I know she's a kid, but she's not four. So now Danny and Shea know there's an accomplice, much good it does everyone now. MEANWHILE, at the bluffs, there's no sign of Trish, and Henry and Blond Tool are ready to shoot Jimmy. Abby intercedes.
So after a few tense moments, Abby is making some progress on cooling down Henry and Blond Tool, and she's helped tremendously by Trish appearing at the top of the bluffs. Everyone rushes up to tend to her, and she admits she lost her footing and fell. She's all right though, and even better, she's discovered a boathouse with a radio inside. They all head there, and while Jimmy and Blond Tool try to reach the Coast Guard, Abby and Henry fill Trish in on their suspicions of Jimmy. Trish reiterates that her fall off the bluffs was an accident. The Coast Guard responds to the distress call, and Trish reports on Wakefield's killing spree and capture. The Coast Guard says that some bad weather on their end may hold up rescue crews, but it shouldn't be more than four hours. Everyone's relieved. Blond Tool says he'll stay with the radio, while Henry and Trish head back to the inn to get her some dry clothes. Abby and Jimmy will go back to the station to let the others know what has happened. Jimmy's still not entirely free of suspicion, but Abby's all gooey for him, so she's content to stick with him.
Back at the inn, Trish takes a hot shower, then goes to get dressed. When Henry returns with everyone's luggage, he finds her wearing her wedding dress. They smooch. MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny chats with Madison about Wakefield, who's busy wriggling out of his oh-so-well-constructed belt bonds. MEANWHILE, in the woods, Jimmy admits to Abby that he got in some fights when she left, and was unfortunately in the vicinity when someone got killed in Seattle, but he was never considered a real suspect. He confesses that he once swore to get even with Abby for leaving him, but that all those feelings melted away when she got back to Harper's Island, and now he's not full of anything but ooey, gooey love. That's nice and everything, but it's not like Abby abandoned him. Her father practically shot her off the island out of a cannon; it wasn't her choice. They smooch.
MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny and Madison are playing cards and discussing the intricacies of the Hansel and Gretel story. It's a worthy conversation, though not as compelling as Miranda Hobbes' thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately, it's interrupted by Wakefield entering and starting to strangle Danny with a belt, possibly his own. So, Danny... How do you feel about waiting for a jury of Wakefield's peers to get around to convicting him now? He manages to fight Wakefield off long enough to allow Shea and Madison time to escape, but cannot escape his doom forever, and Wakefield impales his head on one of those message-collecting spike thingies that's always killing people on TV. Sorry, Danny. You were a good egg, but you should have shot when you had the chance.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry snuggle on the bed. There's a knock at the door, but nobody enters when Henry calls out. He peeks out of the door with the gun, but doesn't see anything. Deciding to investigate, he tells Trish to lock herself in. MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Abby hear a noise in the woods, which turns out to be the fleeing Shea and Madison. Funny on an island with room for a bar and an inn and a marina and a crazy-old-man shack and a church and a party beach and a canyon and a bunch of locals' homes, none of which can be seen from any of the others, people are always stumbling across each other in the woods. Shea reports what has happened at the police station, and Abby sends them to meet up with Blond Tool at the radio station.
MEANWHILE, at the inn, Wakefield bursts in the door. Trish runs for it, which is no small feat when one is wearing a wedding dress and no shoes. She barricades herself in the bathroom, giving her enough time to bash out a window and jump. She runs into the woods, leaving a confusing and upsetting scene for Abby and Jimmy to find when they arrive at the inn. Wakefield pursues Trish through the woods, but cannot catch her before she finds Henry. Her relief soon turns to horror when we all finally find out who Wakefield's accomplice is. Not Trish herself, as was my first guess. Not Maggie, who's busy being dead and who was just a fun longshot for me. Not Booth, who I guess really was stupid enough to accidentally kill himself. Not Jimmy, to Grouchbutt's consternation. No, it's Henry. This knowledge doesn't do Trish an enormous amount of good, as Henry stabs her to death a few moments later. Huh, I guess being seen in your wedding dress before the ceremony really is bad luck. Wakefield catches up, and Henry greets him as his father. It's so nice when a father and son can bond over similar interests.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Wakefield is now content to wander around the woods. As are Henry and Abby. As are Danny and Blond Tool. Blond Tool thinks they'll cover more ground if they split up. Danny is sensibly not thrilled with this plan, but allows himself to be swayed.
MEANWHILE, Trish wakes up in the car, but Jimmy is nowhere to be seen. He startles her by popping up at her window and announcing that he saw a ship. She asks him where, and he tells her he went walking on the bluffs about a quarter mile away. OK, so either Jimmy is the second killer or he's a red herring. If he's the killer, I don't see why he didn't murder Trish while she was sleeping, but that's his prerogative. On the other hand, if he's not a killer, it was incredibly stupid and callous of him to leave her sleeping and alone out in the open. Trish is naturally offended, and asks him if he just abandoned her. He ignores her, and fishes some flares out of the car to signal the ship. The promise of a rescue overrides the insult, and Trish follows Jimmy towards the bluffs.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield spots Danny tromping through the woods. He runs to attack with his spear, but Blond Tool pops out of the woods and shoots him in the head. Wakefield, apparently composed of the same material as the Terminators, is wounded but alive. Sure, who isn't able to shrug off a shotgun blast to the face? Abby and Henry hear the shot, and head in that direction. It becomes apparent that the whole split-up idea was bait to lure Wakefield out. Score one for Blond Tool. That one point is immediately taken away when he and Danny just stand there with their guns trained on the squirming Wakefield. Hello? Guys? This man has murdered all of your dearest friends, and has proven to be extremely slippery. I don't think law enforcement would punish you too harshly for finishing him off, especially after all the cops he's killed. Blond Tool offers the kill to Abby, but she's unable to take the shot. She bashes him unconscious, instead. I guess we're supposed to conclude that she's a Good Person Who Won't Sink To The Murderer's Level, but to me, it's reckless and almost criminally negligent.
The commercial break gives the characters enough time for someone to conclude that it might be wise to kill Wakefield. Blond Tool is all for it, but Danny says that it's not their job. No, it's the police force's job. Why don't we ask the sheriff to arrest him? How about that deputy in the cellblock? The two cops from the mainland? Deputy Burnface McGee? Again, we're supposed to think the characters who want Wakefield to presumably go to trial are noble, but honestly, they're just being dumb. Henry and Abby agree with Danny, so Blond Tool is outvoted, and must go along with the plan to tie Wakefield up and hold him until more police arrive. Wakefield is up and about now. I guess those shotgun shells were made of pudding.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Trish get to the bluffs, and the ship Jimmy claimed to have seen is nowhere. Trish walks up to the very edge of the cliff. Back in the woods, Wakefield is tied up with a couple of belts. Abby beats herself up for not following through on her father's explicit instructions to kill Wakefield. She doesn't beat herself up enough. Everyone teleports over to the police station, and steps past the deputy's corpse so that Henry can lock Wakefield in a cell. He then goes to collect Trish and Jimmy, while Abby volunteers to go get Shea and Madison. Henry suggests meeting back at the police station. Danny, once again the timid voice of reason, doesn't think that's the best idea, but backs down yet again when Henry assures him that Wakefield is safely locked away. He and Trish leave, and Blond Tool heads back to the cellblock over Danny's objections. Blond Tool tases Wakefield, which causes him more pain than the bullet to the face did.
MEANWHILE, Henry reaches the empty car at the tunnel entrance. Abby, Shea, and Madison get back to the police station without incident. Madison gets back to being a creepy brat. She's been out of practice, lately, so she goes for double duty by sneaking back to look at Wakefield. Henry arrives, and announces that he couldn't find Jimmy and Trish. Nobody's too panicked, as Wakefield hasn't had any opportunity to get over to that area, but Shea realizes that leaving Trish alone with Jimmy wasn't perhaps the best idea. She reports what she and Madison found in the sheriff's attic. Nobody has time to absorb this before Madison pops back in to tell Abby that Wakefield wants to talk to her.
Abby goes back to the cell, and she and Wakefield have a fairly cryptic conversation about his motives. She wonders why he's still killing if the objects of his revenge are dead, and he wonders if Valerie Harper really loved the sheriff. He never really answers the first question, and of course she's biased in the matter of the second. MEANWHILE, in the front room, the others are making a case for Jimmy being the second killer. He survived the marina explosion, Wakefield delivered him alive to the bar (where he miraculously survived the bloodbath), and he knows his way around head spades. Shea points out that Jimmy doesn't really have much of a connection with most of the victims, but Henry and Blond Tool think the whole thing may be an elaborate plan to punish Abby.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield and Abby blah about Valerie Harper giving up Wakefield's kid, but keeping Abby. If we're going to start getting around to motives here, it'd be great if they were lifted from something better than Scream 3. Just as Henry gets ready to go look for Trish and Jimmy, Jimmy bursts into the office. He reports that Trish slipped and fell at the bluffs. Suspicious eyes are all fixed on him, and Henry relieves him of his gun. Abby and Wakefield bicker about Valerie Harper's worth as a mother, and Abby asks how Wakefield even knows Valerie had his child. Wakefield responds that he found him. Crap, it's a "him"? There goes my Trish theory. The commotion from the outer office distracts Abby, and she rushes out to find Henry ready to attack. Everyone reaches a consensus in which Jimmy, Henry, Abby, and Blond Tool will go to help Trish, but if she's not there, Jimmy's in big trouble. They teleport over to the bluffs and start looking around.
MEANWHILE, Danny rustles up what grub he can for Shea, Madison, and himself. Madison is hungry enough to eat a cherry Pop-Tart (ew), but says that she also got some food when she was imprisoned in the tunnel. Shea asks if Wakefield fed her, and Madison says that no, somebody else brought them food. Shea's all "Whaaaaa?", and asks why Madison didn't think to mention that two people were keeping her captive. Seriously. I know she's a kid, but she's not four. So now Danny and Shea know there's an accomplice, much good it does everyone now. MEANWHILE, at the bluffs, there's no sign of Trish, and Henry and Blond Tool are ready to shoot Jimmy. Abby intercedes.
So after a few tense moments, Abby is making some progress on cooling down Henry and Blond Tool, and she's helped tremendously by Trish appearing at the top of the bluffs. Everyone rushes up to tend to her, and she admits she lost her footing and fell. She's all right though, and even better, she's discovered a boathouse with a radio inside. They all head there, and while Jimmy and Blond Tool try to reach the Coast Guard, Abby and Henry fill Trish in on their suspicions of Jimmy. Trish reiterates that her fall off the bluffs was an accident. The Coast Guard responds to the distress call, and Trish reports on Wakefield's killing spree and capture. The Coast Guard says that some bad weather on their end may hold up rescue crews, but it shouldn't be more than four hours. Everyone's relieved. Blond Tool says he'll stay with the radio, while Henry and Trish head back to the inn to get her some dry clothes. Abby and Jimmy will go back to the station to let the others know what has happened. Jimmy's still not entirely free of suspicion, but Abby's all gooey for him, so she's content to stick with him.
Back at the inn, Trish takes a hot shower, then goes to get dressed. When Henry returns with everyone's luggage, he finds her wearing her wedding dress. They smooch. MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny chats with Madison about Wakefield, who's busy wriggling out of his oh-so-well-constructed belt bonds. MEANWHILE, in the woods, Jimmy admits to Abby that he got in some fights when she left, and was unfortunately in the vicinity when someone got killed in Seattle, but he was never considered a real suspect. He confesses that he once swore to get even with Abby for leaving him, but that all those feelings melted away when she got back to Harper's Island, and now he's not full of anything but ooey, gooey love. That's nice and everything, but it's not like Abby abandoned him. Her father practically shot her off the island out of a cannon; it wasn't her choice. They smooch.
MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny and Madison are playing cards and discussing the intricacies of the Hansel and Gretel story. It's a worthy conversation, though not as compelling as Miranda Hobbes' thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately, it's interrupted by Wakefield entering and starting to strangle Danny with a belt, possibly his own. So, Danny... How do you feel about waiting for a jury of Wakefield's peers to get around to convicting him now? He manages to fight Wakefield off long enough to allow Shea and Madison time to escape, but cannot escape his doom forever, and Wakefield impales his head on one of those message-collecting spike thingies that's always killing people on TV. Sorry, Danny. You were a good egg, but you should have shot when you had the chance.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry snuggle on the bed. There's a knock at the door, but nobody enters when Henry calls out. He peeks out of the door with the gun, but doesn't see anything. Deciding to investigate, he tells Trish to lock herself in. MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Abby hear a noise in the woods, which turns out to be the fleeing Shea and Madison. Funny on an island with room for a bar and an inn and a marina and a crazy-old-man shack and a church and a party beach and a canyon and a bunch of locals' homes, none of which can be seen from any of the others, people are always stumbling across each other in the woods. Shea reports what has happened at the police station, and Abby sends them to meet up with Blond Tool at the radio station.
MEANWHILE, at the inn, Wakefield bursts in the door. Trish runs for it, which is no small feat when one is wearing a wedding dress and no shoes. She barricades herself in the bathroom, giving her enough time to bash out a window and jump. She runs into the woods, leaving a confusing and upsetting scene for Abby and Jimmy to find when they arrive at the inn. Wakefield pursues Trish through the woods, but cannot catch her before she finds Henry. Her relief soon turns to horror when we all finally find out who Wakefield's accomplice is. Not Trish herself, as was my first guess. Not Maggie, who's busy being dead and who was just a fun longshot for me. Not Booth, who I guess really was stupid enough to accidentally kill himself. Not Jimmy, to Grouchbutt's consternation. No, it's Henry. This knowledge doesn't do Trish an enormous amount of good, as Henry stabs her to death a few moments later. Huh, I guess being seen in your wedding dress before the ceremony really is bad luck. Wakefield catches up, and Henry greets him as his father. It's so nice when a father and son can bond over similar interests.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Come Hell or High Water
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 11
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We pick up right where we left off. Abby and Wakefield don't have two minutes to exchange words, because Henry and Danny blunder in, frightening Wakefield off. Abby wants to go after him, but Henry won't let her. He's acting awfully suspicious these days. Of course, there are only a handful of people left to suspect.
MEANWHILE, back at the bar, Nikki tends to Jimmy, who's still unconscious. Of course, her "tending" consists of blotting him with a damp rag, but I guess she has to keep busy. Unfortunately, the spate of deaths that have happened since Madison's return still haven't convinced anyone but Shane that they shouldn't go on treating her wike a widdle pwincess. Chloe worries about Blond Tool and Cal. Well, one more than the other. Speaking of them, Blond Tool and Cal leave the clinic. Blond Tool has done a patchy job of fixing Cal up after his bullet wound, but seems to have covered the basics. The two of them head for the sailboat.
MEANWHILE, Henry and Danny have had time to cut the sheriff down, bag him up, and stow him in the back of his wagon. I suppose I should be grateful even a passing mention is made of how silly this is when they know for a fact Wakefield is strolling around. Back at the bar, Madison is telling Shea that she's known Wakefield from day one of the trip. He was the "new friend" who helped her pick flowers for her flower girl basket. Wait, does that mean he's the one who smashed the tea set, too? That seems awfully petty. Madison asks if Richard is dead, and after some hesitation, Shea admits it. Madison also asks if Abby is going to die because of the lie she was told to tell, and that one, Shea's not going to cop to. She and Trish swear that Abby, Henry, and Danny will all be just fine. Abby's not too worried about her own death at the moment; she's too busy swearing vengeance on Wakefield.
As they walk back to the bar, Henry asks Abby why the sheriff was so intent on peddling the story that Wakefield has been dead all these years. "He thought he was doing the right thing," Abby weakly retorts. Henry points out that it didn't do many favors for the stacks of people now moldering all over the island. Danny wonders if Wakefield is done killing, now that the sheriff is gone. That'd make the last few episodes pretty boring, so I doubt it, Danny.
MEANWHILE, back at the bar, Madison has her face pressed up against the window. Shea strokes her hair, because while she's willing to yell at her fellow captives for not treating Madison like delicate porcelain, having her daughter's head displayed like a giant bull's-eye for anyone outside is apparently no problem. Nikki is delivering the bad news that with all the communication lines cut, nobody from the mainland is going to know there's a problem. What about the radio in the cops' plane? Even if the explosion took it out, I have to think that the two cops not reporting back to headquarters would raise a few red flags. The very second I think that, Chloe makes the same point. Thank you, Chloe! You sure have come a long way since that annoying skinny dip. She then loses some of those points I just gave her by haranguing Trish about getting married on this island. I'm pretty sure "Neverending String of Murders" wasn't listed on the Candlewick's amenities list, Chloe.
Shea struts up, seemingly ready to defend Trish, and ignoring Madison's sudden alarm at something outside. It'd be nice if Shea could ever arrange her priorities into a list with a modicum of sense. Madison squeals that Wakefield has arrived, and indeed, he kicks the door down with no problems whatsoever. Guess this wasn't the place to hole up. Nikki tries to shoot him with her shotgun, but he grabs it and aims it at the ceiling. One round goes off before Wakefield stabs Nikki in the gut. The other characters take this as a sign that they should maybe... You know... DO SOMETHING. They all run out the back door, Trish grabbing a gun on the way. Does she shoot him? Nah, she just keeps on running.
Shane stays behind to brandish a tiny knife at Wakefield, who's holding a giant sword. Oh, Shane. Why were you smartest when you were assiest? They fight for a bit before Wakefield naturally slices him to ribbons, then stabs him. Trish stays in the back room with her shotgun as the others slither out of the window. I'm not sure why they can't open the door from the inside. Wakefield does a piss poor job of cleaning Nikki and Shane's blood off the sword before approaching the door to the back room. I guess he's got more important things on his mind. Trish fires two rounds through the door before running out of ammo. It doesn't do her much good, and Wakefield busts through the door. Just as it looks like he's going to get her, Shane reappears, bloody but mobile. Wakefield goes to finish him off, and Trish makes her escape.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool and Cal reach the dock, but the sailboat is nowhere in sight. They figure they're pretty much doomed. Cal says that he just wants to get Chloe off the island, and Blond Tool says that he just wanted to have sex with Chloe. I guess they're realizing that there's no point in being anything but honest from now on. They head back for the bar. Speaking of which... Abby, Henry, and Danny finally get back there. I guess their teleportation powers are on the fritz. They hear music blaring from inside. Barry Manilow. Wakefield must have wanted to torture Shane to death. The three of them bust in, and find Shane's body trussed up much like Valerie Harper was. No sign of Nikki. Perhaps she gets the comparative dignity of getting to be dead on the floor.
MEANWHILE, Shea, Trish, Chloe, and Madison have made it to the sheriff's attic. Trish hopes to be safe there, though the others aren't thrilled with the Wall of Crazy. Abby, Henry, and Danny cover Nikki and Shane's bodies with blankets that have appeared from nowhere, and discuss the situation. They can't glean much. Abby realizes that Wakefield's gone from killing from the shadows to doing so openly. Danny starts to crack. Back in the attic, Chloe is explaining to Madison that just because Wakefield was nice to her, doesn't mean he's a good man. Shea interrupts this, because as usual, she doesn't want Madison to hear anything useful or true. Trish discovers a map of the tunnel system, and everyone acts shocked that this is how the murderer was able to get around unnoticed. Um, haven't we covered this already?
The church bell starts ringing, startling everyone. Despite knowing that it may well be a trap, both the bar group and the attic group decide to head for it. Trish tells Shea and Madison to stay in the attic until they get back. She tells Shea she loves her before heading out. Aw. And funny, since she didn't say anything to Madison. The two groups find each other at the church. They exchange information, and we discover that Jimmy was not at the bar when the group there stumbled across Shane and Nikki's bodies. Huh. They also learn that none of them rang the bell, and head up there, guns drawn.
Once in the church, they dawdle. Danny lights candles, while Trish apologizes to Abby for suspecting her father. Guys? The bell? Chloe's scream alerts everybody to the other deputy's body, lying in a pew with his throat cut. That about wraps everyone up except the annoying coroner. Where's he? Headlights approach, illuminating Wakefield, who has just walked in. Nobody notices him; they just want to know who's in the car. It unsurprisingly turns out to be Blond Tool and Cal, who must have heard the bell. Cal asks where Chloe is. It seems she has disappeared in all the hubbub. Whoops!
Daylight breaks. Everyone has searched the church for Chloe, but can't find her. Trish surmises that Wakefield took her, using one of the island's handy tunnels. There's a banging at the door. Everyone raises their guns, but it turns out to be Jimmy that staggers in. His story is very odd. He says he woke up in the room with Shane and Nikki's bodies and walked to town. Those bodies weren't alone for very long, so that's some awesome timing on his part. He says that the town has been deserted, so he came to the church when he heard the bells. Yes, but everyone headed for the church when they heard the bells. How has it taken Jimmy so much longer to get there? I know he's limping, and may have been further away, but still. He wonders why Wakefield didn't kill him, and nobody has an answer except Grouchbutt, who's watching this and yelling "Because you're his accomplice!" at the screen.
Cal discovers the entrance to the tunnel. The group figures that if they block all the tunnel entrances, they can trap Wakefield. Trish and Jimmy go to block the storm grate. Danny and Blond Tool head for the entrance in the Candlewick's kitchen. Everyone else heads into the church tunnel to explore. MEANWHILE, Wakefield locks Chloe under the storm grate. She asks why he's doing this to all of them, as they never hurt Wakefield. He snaps that he almost died for a woman like Chloe. OK, but you didn't die and it wasn't Chloe. That's kind of a stretch, sir. Chloe tells him that her friends will kill him, and he menaces her with the (now spotless) sword.
Blond Tool and Danny carefully make their way through the woods. They talk about Cal's fortitude and love for Chloe. Cal, Abby, and Henry make their way down yet another tunnel. They talk about Wakefield's possible motives, and don't come up with anything new. Danny and Blond Tool are boarding up the door in the kitchen, and Blond Tool is vowing to make some changes in his life if he makes it out alive. Well, it'd be nice to be able to refer to him by an actual name, which can only happen if he drops the toolishness. Suddenly, someone (Wakefield, presumably) beats on the other side of the door. Danny and Blond Tool fire through, and wonder if they hit him. Danny scores the win for the dumbest thing anyone on this island has done to date, and sticks his eye up to the bullet hole to peer through. This is where, if this were an actual horror movie, we'd be seeing something very, very gross right about now. Thankfully, it's network TV, and Danny withdraws before the sword thrusts through the hole. Not finding a body to stab, it pulls back, and Wakefield runs off. Danny and Blond Tool are both scared shitless, but accept that they must enter the tunnels and help their friends. They bust through the door.
MEANWHILE, Madison has discovered that the sheriff has a thick file on someone else the party knows. Shea looks at it, and is horrified. Cal, Abby, and Henry find the final tunnel, which leads them to a bit of forest by a wide, running stream. Cal screams for Chloe, and she hears him from her dungeon. She screams back, but the person who approaches isn't Cal, but Wakefield. He asks Chloe if Cal is willing to die for her. Eep! Cal yells for Chloe some more, then asks Abby and Henry if they heard anything. They didn't. All I'm picking up is the background music, which would make life very handy if it really existed. Cal thinks he hears Chloe and sprints off, with Henry and Abby in pursuit. The noise of her banging around soon gets louder, but just as they make some progress, Abby spots Wakefield. She shoots at him and misses, and he just walks off. Henry directs Cal to focus on Chloe, while he and Abby go after Wakefield. Abby wants Henry to promise to shoot Wakefield, even if she's in the way. He refuses, but she's not going to extend the same courtesy to him.
They discover a big stone statue, like they've wandered into a Mayan jungle or something. Where the stream becomes a river with a big canyon and a giant metal bridge (er...I thought this was supposed to be a tiny little island), Cal and Chloe hear each other's voices. He tracks her down, and shoots the lock off of her cage. After pulling her out, Cal asks the question she's been longing to hear, and proposes marriage. She tearfully accepts, but their happy reunion is cut short when they see Wakefield in the distance. Cal takes a shot, and misses. There are no more bullets left, so he and Chloe run for the bridge. Why they cornered themselves in there when they are surrounded on all other sides by vast forest is beyond me.
They reach a locked portion that Cal saw before, and he encourages her to climb over. She makes it about halfway before Wakefield catches up. Poor Cal tells Chloe he loves her, and tries to use his gun as a bludgeon, but is extremely outmatched. Wakefield drives the sword into his chest as Chloe watches and screams. Aw. In most mystery/horror situations, you don't really care about the victims, which makes their deaths less traumatic. Cal was a good egg, though, which makes this much sadder. The pensive music agrees with me as Wakefield throws Cal's body over the bridge down to the water below. Abby and Henry see Wakefield turning his attention to Chloe, but are too far away to do anything. Chloe looks up at Wakefield, and sadly says "You can't have me," before letting go of the bridge and allowing herself to fall. Wakefield looks up at Henry and Abby with a satisfied expression, then walks back towards the forest. Danny and Blond Tool emerge from the tunnel, but I can't tell if they spot Cal and Chloe's bodies or not.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison are still reading the file. A newspaper article screams worry that Wakefield wasn't working alone, which is right next to a mugshot of... Jimmy. Grouchbutt nods in triumph. Over at the storm grate, Trish is sleeping in the car, as Jimmy looks at her furtively. He moves to pull the shotgun out of her hands, and she wakes up. He tells her she shouldn't sleep with a loaded gun in her hands, and she settles down again. Jimmy looks extra suspicious. OK, so him as the second murderer makes some sense. I still like going for the longshot in case I'm right and can gloat about it later. So... Trish did it!
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: A-
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We pick up right where we left off. Abby and Wakefield don't have two minutes to exchange words, because Henry and Danny blunder in, frightening Wakefield off. Abby wants to go after him, but Henry won't let her. He's acting awfully suspicious these days. Of course, there are only a handful of people left to suspect.
MEANWHILE, back at the bar, Nikki tends to Jimmy, who's still unconscious. Of course, her "tending" consists of blotting him with a damp rag, but I guess she has to keep busy. Unfortunately, the spate of deaths that have happened since Madison's return still haven't convinced anyone but Shane that they shouldn't go on treating her wike a widdle pwincess. Chloe worries about Blond Tool and Cal. Well, one more than the other. Speaking of them, Blond Tool and Cal leave the clinic. Blond Tool has done a patchy job of fixing Cal up after his bullet wound, but seems to have covered the basics. The two of them head for the sailboat.
MEANWHILE, Henry and Danny have had time to cut the sheriff down, bag him up, and stow him in the back of his wagon. I suppose I should be grateful even a passing mention is made of how silly this is when they know for a fact Wakefield is strolling around. Back at the bar, Madison is telling Shea that she's known Wakefield from day one of the trip. He was the "new friend" who helped her pick flowers for her flower girl basket. Wait, does that mean he's the one who smashed the tea set, too? That seems awfully petty. Madison asks if Richard is dead, and after some hesitation, Shea admits it. Madison also asks if Abby is going to die because of the lie she was told to tell, and that one, Shea's not going to cop to. She and Trish swear that Abby, Henry, and Danny will all be just fine. Abby's not too worried about her own death at the moment; she's too busy swearing vengeance on Wakefield.
As they walk back to the bar, Henry asks Abby why the sheriff was so intent on peddling the story that Wakefield has been dead all these years. "He thought he was doing the right thing," Abby weakly retorts. Henry points out that it didn't do many favors for the stacks of people now moldering all over the island. Danny wonders if Wakefield is done killing, now that the sheriff is gone. That'd make the last few episodes pretty boring, so I doubt it, Danny.
MEANWHILE, back at the bar, Madison has her face pressed up against the window. Shea strokes her hair, because while she's willing to yell at her fellow captives for not treating Madison like delicate porcelain, having her daughter's head displayed like a giant bull's-eye for anyone outside is apparently no problem. Nikki is delivering the bad news that with all the communication lines cut, nobody from the mainland is going to know there's a problem. What about the radio in the cops' plane? Even if the explosion took it out, I have to think that the two cops not reporting back to headquarters would raise a few red flags. The very second I think that, Chloe makes the same point. Thank you, Chloe! You sure have come a long way since that annoying skinny dip. She then loses some of those points I just gave her by haranguing Trish about getting married on this island. I'm pretty sure "Neverending String of Murders" wasn't listed on the Candlewick's amenities list, Chloe.
Shea struts up, seemingly ready to defend Trish, and ignoring Madison's sudden alarm at something outside. It'd be nice if Shea could ever arrange her priorities into a list with a modicum of sense. Madison squeals that Wakefield has arrived, and indeed, he kicks the door down with no problems whatsoever. Guess this wasn't the place to hole up. Nikki tries to shoot him with her shotgun, but he grabs it and aims it at the ceiling. One round goes off before Wakefield stabs Nikki in the gut. The other characters take this as a sign that they should maybe... You know... DO SOMETHING. They all run out the back door, Trish grabbing a gun on the way. Does she shoot him? Nah, she just keeps on running.
Shane stays behind to brandish a tiny knife at Wakefield, who's holding a giant sword. Oh, Shane. Why were you smartest when you were assiest? They fight for a bit before Wakefield naturally slices him to ribbons, then stabs him. Trish stays in the back room with her shotgun as the others slither out of the window. I'm not sure why they can't open the door from the inside. Wakefield does a piss poor job of cleaning Nikki and Shane's blood off the sword before approaching the door to the back room. I guess he's got more important things on his mind. Trish fires two rounds through the door before running out of ammo. It doesn't do her much good, and Wakefield busts through the door. Just as it looks like he's going to get her, Shane reappears, bloody but mobile. Wakefield goes to finish him off, and Trish makes her escape.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool and Cal reach the dock, but the sailboat is nowhere in sight. They figure they're pretty much doomed. Cal says that he just wants to get Chloe off the island, and Blond Tool says that he just wanted to have sex with Chloe. I guess they're realizing that there's no point in being anything but honest from now on. They head back for the bar. Speaking of which... Abby, Henry, and Danny finally get back there. I guess their teleportation powers are on the fritz. They hear music blaring from inside. Barry Manilow. Wakefield must have wanted to torture Shane to death. The three of them bust in, and find Shane's body trussed up much like Valerie Harper was. No sign of Nikki. Perhaps she gets the comparative dignity of getting to be dead on the floor.
MEANWHILE, Shea, Trish, Chloe, and Madison have made it to the sheriff's attic. Trish hopes to be safe there, though the others aren't thrilled with the Wall of Crazy. Abby, Henry, and Danny cover Nikki and Shane's bodies with blankets that have appeared from nowhere, and discuss the situation. They can't glean much. Abby realizes that Wakefield's gone from killing from the shadows to doing so openly. Danny starts to crack. Back in the attic, Chloe is explaining to Madison that just because Wakefield was nice to her, doesn't mean he's a good man. Shea interrupts this, because as usual, she doesn't want Madison to hear anything useful or true. Trish discovers a map of the tunnel system, and everyone acts shocked that this is how the murderer was able to get around unnoticed. Um, haven't we covered this already?
The church bell starts ringing, startling everyone. Despite knowing that it may well be a trap, both the bar group and the attic group decide to head for it. Trish tells Shea and Madison to stay in the attic until they get back. She tells Shea she loves her before heading out. Aw. And funny, since she didn't say anything to Madison. The two groups find each other at the church. They exchange information, and we discover that Jimmy was not at the bar when the group there stumbled across Shane and Nikki's bodies. Huh. They also learn that none of them rang the bell, and head up there, guns drawn.
Once in the church, they dawdle. Danny lights candles, while Trish apologizes to Abby for suspecting her father. Guys? The bell? Chloe's scream alerts everybody to the other deputy's body, lying in a pew with his throat cut. That about wraps everyone up except the annoying coroner. Where's he? Headlights approach, illuminating Wakefield, who has just walked in. Nobody notices him; they just want to know who's in the car. It unsurprisingly turns out to be Blond Tool and Cal, who must have heard the bell. Cal asks where Chloe is. It seems she has disappeared in all the hubbub. Whoops!
Daylight breaks. Everyone has searched the church for Chloe, but can't find her. Trish surmises that Wakefield took her, using one of the island's handy tunnels. There's a banging at the door. Everyone raises their guns, but it turns out to be Jimmy that staggers in. His story is very odd. He says he woke up in the room with Shane and Nikki's bodies and walked to town. Those bodies weren't alone for very long, so that's some awesome timing on his part. He says that the town has been deserted, so he came to the church when he heard the bells. Yes, but everyone headed for the church when they heard the bells. How has it taken Jimmy so much longer to get there? I know he's limping, and may have been further away, but still. He wonders why Wakefield didn't kill him, and nobody has an answer except Grouchbutt, who's watching this and yelling "Because you're his accomplice!" at the screen.
Cal discovers the entrance to the tunnel. The group figures that if they block all the tunnel entrances, they can trap Wakefield. Trish and Jimmy go to block the storm grate. Danny and Blond Tool head for the entrance in the Candlewick's kitchen. Everyone else heads into the church tunnel to explore. MEANWHILE, Wakefield locks Chloe under the storm grate. She asks why he's doing this to all of them, as they never hurt Wakefield. He snaps that he almost died for a woman like Chloe. OK, but you didn't die and it wasn't Chloe. That's kind of a stretch, sir. Chloe tells him that her friends will kill him, and he menaces her with the (now spotless) sword.
Blond Tool and Danny carefully make their way through the woods. They talk about Cal's fortitude and love for Chloe. Cal, Abby, and Henry make their way down yet another tunnel. They talk about Wakefield's possible motives, and don't come up with anything new. Danny and Blond Tool are boarding up the door in the kitchen, and Blond Tool is vowing to make some changes in his life if he makes it out alive. Well, it'd be nice to be able to refer to him by an actual name, which can only happen if he drops the toolishness. Suddenly, someone (Wakefield, presumably) beats on the other side of the door. Danny and Blond Tool fire through, and wonder if they hit him. Danny scores the win for the dumbest thing anyone on this island has done to date, and sticks his eye up to the bullet hole to peer through. This is where, if this were an actual horror movie, we'd be seeing something very, very gross right about now. Thankfully, it's network TV, and Danny withdraws before the sword thrusts through the hole. Not finding a body to stab, it pulls back, and Wakefield runs off. Danny and Blond Tool are both scared shitless, but accept that they must enter the tunnels and help their friends. They bust through the door.
MEANWHILE, Madison has discovered that the sheriff has a thick file on someone else the party knows. Shea looks at it, and is horrified. Cal, Abby, and Henry find the final tunnel, which leads them to a bit of forest by a wide, running stream. Cal screams for Chloe, and she hears him from her dungeon. She screams back, but the person who approaches isn't Cal, but Wakefield. He asks Chloe if Cal is willing to die for her. Eep! Cal yells for Chloe some more, then asks Abby and Henry if they heard anything. They didn't. All I'm picking up is the background music, which would make life very handy if it really existed. Cal thinks he hears Chloe and sprints off, with Henry and Abby in pursuit. The noise of her banging around soon gets louder, but just as they make some progress, Abby spots Wakefield. She shoots at him and misses, and he just walks off. Henry directs Cal to focus on Chloe, while he and Abby go after Wakefield. Abby wants Henry to promise to shoot Wakefield, even if she's in the way. He refuses, but she's not going to extend the same courtesy to him.
They discover a big stone statue, like they've wandered into a Mayan jungle or something. Where the stream becomes a river with a big canyon and a giant metal bridge (er...I thought this was supposed to be a tiny little island), Cal and Chloe hear each other's voices. He tracks her down, and shoots the lock off of her cage. After pulling her out, Cal asks the question she's been longing to hear, and proposes marriage. She tearfully accepts, but their happy reunion is cut short when they see Wakefield in the distance. Cal takes a shot, and misses. There are no more bullets left, so he and Chloe run for the bridge. Why they cornered themselves in there when they are surrounded on all other sides by vast forest is beyond me.
They reach a locked portion that Cal saw before, and he encourages her to climb over. She makes it about halfway before Wakefield catches up. Poor Cal tells Chloe he loves her, and tries to use his gun as a bludgeon, but is extremely outmatched. Wakefield drives the sword into his chest as Chloe watches and screams. Aw. In most mystery/horror situations, you don't really care about the victims, which makes their deaths less traumatic. Cal was a good egg, though, which makes this much sadder. The pensive music agrees with me as Wakefield throws Cal's body over the bridge down to the water below. Abby and Henry see Wakefield turning his attention to Chloe, but are too far away to do anything. Chloe looks up at Wakefield, and sadly says "You can't have me," before letting go of the bridge and allowing herself to fall. Wakefield looks up at Henry and Abby with a satisfied expression, then walks back towards the forest. Danny and Blond Tool emerge from the tunnel, but I can't tell if they spot Cal and Chloe's bodies or not.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison are still reading the file. A newspaper article screams worry that Wakefield wasn't working alone, which is right next to a mugshot of... Jimmy. Grouchbutt nods in triumph. Over at the storm grate, Trish is sleeping in the car, as Jimmy looks at her furtively. He moves to pull the shotgun out of her hands, and she wakes up. He tells her she shouldn't sleep with a loaded gun in her hands, and she settles down again. Jimmy looks extra suspicious. OK, so him as the second murderer makes some sense. I still like going for the longshot in case I'm right and can gloat about it later. So... Trish did it!
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: A-
Monday, June 22, 2009
Hanging Out
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 10
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Shea talks to Madison, who creepily brats about the "game" in which the sheriff hid her for Abby to find. Madison says he promised her the prize of Richard coming back; I'd be curious to see how he explains that one away now. Shane shows Katherine's body to Henry, while the rest of the panicked wedding party discusses how and/or why the sheriff would punish them to get at Abby. Jimmy goes to gas up a boat so that everyone can finally flee. Henry shares the news of Katherine's death with everyone, and makes plans to swing by the clinic to get Cal, Chloe, and the sheriff before heading to the marina.
MEANWHILE, a state police plane makes its way to the island, ostensibly to arrest JD. The two cops blather on for a weirdly long time. Henry and Abby reach the clinic, where they're told by Cal and Chloe about the sheriff's disappearance. Henry promises to find him. Someone in a sheriff's uniform approaches the marina as the state police land, and shoots the two cops dead as they deplane. Oh, no! Now we'll never know more about that one cop and his fascination with what groups of animals are called!
MEANWHILE, the rest of the party hangs out in the woods for no reason. Abby wants to go find her father, directing everyone else to head for the boats. Henry decides to go with her, which makes Trish volunteer to come along, too. Shane and Jimmy reach the marina and spot the police boat, but not the two bodies floating in the water. Abby and company teleport over to the sheriff's house, where they find blueprints detailing the system of tunnels under the inn. Somehow this fills them with the panic to run for the marina, because Madison's testimony just didn't do the trick. I guess I can't blame them. Jimmy and Shane pull up to the gas pump, and find it has no power, so Shane jogs up the dock to the generator, finding the sheriff's missing oxygen tank on top. Rut roh.
MEANWHILE, the rest of the party has regrouped, and approaches the marina. Shane fiddles with the generator. You'd think the oxygen tank would give him pause. Suddenly, he spots the two dead cops floating in the water. That discovery is apparently no match for Jimmy's nagging, so he goes ahead and flips the generator switch, realizing that it's rigged to blow a second too late. He calls to Jimmy, but the entire marina goes up in a series of explosions. Shane runs clear, while Abby freaks out a hundred times harder than she has for all of the other murders (including her mother) combined. She doesn't have much time to process, however, because the person dressed in the sheriff's outfit starts firing on the group with a sniper rifle. Despite his deadly accuracy with arrows and harpoons, he now cannot hit the broad side of a barn. Henry is winged, but everyone makes it to the abandoned bar.
Abby yells at Shane for not warning Jimmy, despite knowing something was wrong. Why yes, this would be a perfect time to bring up the fact that Abby has been menaced and warned about the deaths on the island since Day One, and didn't feel the need to tell anyone. Thanks for noticing! Danny is still pinning his hopes on the state police, and Shane tells everyone about the cops' deaths. Things are looking pretty bleak for the sheriff, especially when Shane adds the evidence of the oxygen tank by the generator. Henry and Abby are still gung ho about innocent until proven guilty blah blah blah. I'm sure the audience is with them, because like the suspicion of JD, it's too simple. That said, the other characters can be forgiven for carping that there's plenty of evidence to at least assume for the time being that the sheriff can't be trusted. Cal takes Henry to the back to look at his wound.
MEANWHILE, Maggie is telling everyone that seven years ago, Wakefield pulled the same trick of blowing up the marina to keep people on the island. Shane adds that this time, the boats went with it. Blond Tool thinks they're all screwed, but Chloe remembers the sailboat that Cal has rented, which is docked far, far away from the marina. Cal says that everyone would fit on board, but getting to it safely is another matter. There's some squabbling about who would go pick the boat up to bring it to the marina. Chloe volunteers Shane, who's, like, "Um, no thanks." Someone approaches the door. Blond Tool tools that they should just shoot whoever it is. Dumbass. Luckily, everyone ignores him, because it turns out to be Nikki. You know, Nikki. That girl who's had about two minutes of screentime who runs the bar, and who discovered Kelly's body. Everyone wonders how she's out wandering without being in danger, and Maggie snarks that maybe the killer is just after the wedding party, not the locals. Shane retorts that Jimmy was local. Nobody mentions poor Kelly, the reverend, or Burnface McGee.
Nikki and Abby go back to the kitchen so Abby can tearfully tell her about Jimmy being on the boat when the marina went up. She cries that she never told Jimmy how she felt about him, because she always expected him to be there waiting for her. You'd think the never-ending string of murders might have spurred her to take some action. If it's any consolation, Jimmy knew how she felt. If it's any further consolation, I don't think he's dead. Abby also tells Nikki that everyone thinks her dad is behind the murders, but she can't believe it. Nikki reluctantly tells Abby that a lot happened while she was in LA, and that something in the sheriff "broke" while she was away.
MEANWHILE, out in the bar, Cal and Blond Tool ready themselves to make a break for the sailboat. Maggie's brain leaks out of the side of her head. I guess I shouldn't say things like that during a murder mystery show, because it may well be taken literally. No, I mean that Maggie decides that since the murderer didn't kill Nikki, then he must not be interested in killing locals, so she's decided to stroll on home. That's some of the weakest reasoning I've ever heard. She ignores me, and resolutely walks out. When she's not immediately cut down, Blond Tool thinks they should all follow her lead. I could use a break from his toolishness. Cal invites him to go whenever he'd like. Blond Tool pusses out.
MEANWHILE, Henry goes to console Shane about Jimmy's death, despite the bad blood between them. Shane says something typically assy, and for once, Henry doesn't jump down his throat, but genuinely inquires into why Shane is like this all the time. He wonders why Shane insults anyone who wasn't born on the island. Shane shrugs that while the locals are stuck there, Henry and his gang were stupid enough to volunteer to come back. He wonders why Henry would ever want to get married here. "Believe me, I'm having second thoughts," Henry cracks. That melts Shane's shell a little, and he smiles. He says that he's not leaving the island, even if it's been turned into a graveyard. Then he sucks down some scotch in honor of Jimmy.
MEANWHILE, Abby finally has time to actually ask Madison about her story. She wonders if the sheriff was physically OK, because she thought his leg was hurt pretty badly. Madison is typically unhelpful. Just when Abby gets to a pertinent question about whether Madison is sure it was Abby's dad who took her, Shea busts in all "Get away from her! Maddy's been through enough!" Yes, let's not get any information that might actually save the rest of your lives. By all means, let's spare Madison's feelings, and get even more people killed. Luckily, this fight is broken up when Madison announces that there's someone on the roof. Once again, the hotheads want to fire their guns madly, and cooler heads prevail. Perhaps this time, the hotheads had the right idea, because Maggie's body slams into the window, suspended by a noose. I hate to say it, but it kind of serves her right. Now, are Madison's pwecious feewings still top priority around here?
The guys head to the bar to concoct a distraction that will give Blond Tool and Cal a chance to escape to the sailboat. They mix up some Molotov cocktails. Abby somewhat hilariously shuts the blinds so that they don't have to stare at Maggie's body. Then they wait for dark. Darkness comes quickly, and we get an outside shot of the bar with Maggie still swinging around. Cal and Chloe confer in a corner. She worries for his safety, and apologizes for bringing him to this wedding. He wishes he didn't have to go, and gives her the ring to hold onto, because he wants to ask her something when he gets back. Talk about tempting Fate.
MEANWHILE, it's time to start tossing bombs. The Molotov cocktails explode into a hopefully distracting fire. Cal kisses Chloe, and upon seeing this, Blond Tool kisses Nikki. Seriously, what a tool. She's kind of a tool, too, so she's charmed. Cal and Blond Tool make a break for it. Cal idiotically dashes for the driver's side, forgetting that he's in America, even though he's been in America for God knows how long before this whole mess even started. This gives the murderer time to plug him with a (non-fatal) bullet. Though the plan is obviously botched, Blond Tool moves forward, shoving Cal into the car, and diving in after him as bullets continue to rain down on them. They manage to get away. As they speed off, Chloe wonders if one of them was hit, but nobody inside the bar can tell.
Blond Tool drives down the road for a bit, but gets concerned about Cal's wound, and takes him to the clinic over Cal's protestations. Back in the bar, Madison starts to catch the snap about where Richard is. As Cal promises to talk Blond Tool through the process of digging a bullet out, a police vehicle approaches the bar. Everyone inside quickly realizes that there's a body on the hood. Jeez, how do you drive around with a body on your hood without it falling off? That's some skill behind the wheel. The car comes to a stop, and Jimmy rolls off the hood onto the ground.
So of course, everyone comes pouring out of the bar, because they've learned nothing this past week. Abby feels for a pulse, and discovers that Jimmy is alive. Hey, it's about time I was right about something! They take Jimmy into the bar, and while I can understand the impulse, you'd think they'd wonder who's behind the wheel first. Oh, wait. It soon becomes apparent that the truck has driven off. It'd have been nice if they'd shown us that. Shane surmises that Jimmy had time to jump into the water before the marina blew up, and Danny finds Abby's room key taped to Jimmy's wrist. Trish interprets this as the sheriff wanting Abby to come to the room, and is offering Jimmy alive as a gesture of peace. Despite defending the sheriff up and down when Abby did it, now Henry declares that it's far too dangerous for Abby to do such a thing, offering everyone up to go with her. It'd be nice if he gave half the thought he gives his friend to his fiancee. Luckily, Abby's drama beacon goes off, and she declares that she's going alone. She struts off in much the same manner Maggie did, though she's got a gun and bit more of a sense of self-preservation.
She arrives at the inn, and finds the sheriff waiting in her old room. He asks if Jimmy arrived safely. Abby confirms this, and the sheriff reveals that he's made a deal with John Wakefield himself to keep Jimmy alive. Abby blabs the old party line about Wakefield being dead. Shut up and listen to what he has to say! She wonders why she should believe a word he says, and he tells her that her coming to the inn was part of a trap. He warns her to stay away from him.
MEANWHILE, Madison tells Trish that she lied about the sheriff kidnapping her. Creepy brat. I guess this time she has more of an excuse, because her "new friend" told her that Shea would disappear like Richard has if Madison didn't lie to Abby. The sheriff becomes more and more distraught, begging Abby to leave before she witnesses something horrible. She won't. She still doesn't buy that Wakefield is alive, and asks if she's Wakefield's daughter. The sheriff swears that she isn't. Abby finally notices the cord attached to the sheriff's hands and a walkie-talkie listening in nearby. The sheriff tells her it's too late for him, and wants her to go be with Jimmy. Abby tearfully asks if the sheriff traded his life for Jimmy's, and the sheriff begs her to kill Wakefield once and for all, as it's the only way to end the reign of terror. He manages to tell Abby that he loves her before he's pulled back through the window, ending up hanged, just as Maggie was. Abby runs outside, and is found by...Wakefield, who tells her she looks just like Valerie Harper. No, Abby looks just like Parker Posey.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Shea talks to Madison, who creepily brats about the "game" in which the sheriff hid her for Abby to find. Madison says he promised her the prize of Richard coming back; I'd be curious to see how he explains that one away now. Shane shows Katherine's body to Henry, while the rest of the panicked wedding party discusses how and/or why the sheriff would punish them to get at Abby. Jimmy goes to gas up a boat so that everyone can finally flee. Henry shares the news of Katherine's death with everyone, and makes plans to swing by the clinic to get Cal, Chloe, and the sheriff before heading to the marina.
MEANWHILE, a state police plane makes its way to the island, ostensibly to arrest JD. The two cops blather on for a weirdly long time. Henry and Abby reach the clinic, where they're told by Cal and Chloe about the sheriff's disappearance. Henry promises to find him. Someone in a sheriff's uniform approaches the marina as the state police land, and shoots the two cops dead as they deplane. Oh, no! Now we'll never know more about that one cop and his fascination with what groups of animals are called!
MEANWHILE, the rest of the party hangs out in the woods for no reason. Abby wants to go find her father, directing everyone else to head for the boats. Henry decides to go with her, which makes Trish volunteer to come along, too. Shane and Jimmy reach the marina and spot the police boat, but not the two bodies floating in the water. Abby and company teleport over to the sheriff's house, where they find blueprints detailing the system of tunnels under the inn. Somehow this fills them with the panic to run for the marina, because Madison's testimony just didn't do the trick. I guess I can't blame them. Jimmy and Shane pull up to the gas pump, and find it has no power, so Shane jogs up the dock to the generator, finding the sheriff's missing oxygen tank on top. Rut roh.
MEANWHILE, the rest of the party has regrouped, and approaches the marina. Shane fiddles with the generator. You'd think the oxygen tank would give him pause. Suddenly, he spots the two dead cops floating in the water. That discovery is apparently no match for Jimmy's nagging, so he goes ahead and flips the generator switch, realizing that it's rigged to blow a second too late. He calls to Jimmy, but the entire marina goes up in a series of explosions. Shane runs clear, while Abby freaks out a hundred times harder than she has for all of the other murders (including her mother) combined. She doesn't have much time to process, however, because the person dressed in the sheriff's outfit starts firing on the group with a sniper rifle. Despite his deadly accuracy with arrows and harpoons, he now cannot hit the broad side of a barn. Henry is winged, but everyone makes it to the abandoned bar.
Abby yells at Shane for not warning Jimmy, despite knowing something was wrong. Why yes, this would be a perfect time to bring up the fact that Abby has been menaced and warned about the deaths on the island since Day One, and didn't feel the need to tell anyone. Thanks for noticing! Danny is still pinning his hopes on the state police, and Shane tells everyone about the cops' deaths. Things are looking pretty bleak for the sheriff, especially when Shane adds the evidence of the oxygen tank by the generator. Henry and Abby are still gung ho about innocent until proven guilty blah blah blah. I'm sure the audience is with them, because like the suspicion of JD, it's too simple. That said, the other characters can be forgiven for carping that there's plenty of evidence to at least assume for the time being that the sheriff can't be trusted. Cal takes Henry to the back to look at his wound.
MEANWHILE, Maggie is telling everyone that seven years ago, Wakefield pulled the same trick of blowing up the marina to keep people on the island. Shane adds that this time, the boats went with it. Blond Tool thinks they're all screwed, but Chloe remembers the sailboat that Cal has rented, which is docked far, far away from the marina. Cal says that everyone would fit on board, but getting to it safely is another matter. There's some squabbling about who would go pick the boat up to bring it to the marina. Chloe volunteers Shane, who's, like, "Um, no thanks." Someone approaches the door. Blond Tool tools that they should just shoot whoever it is. Dumbass. Luckily, everyone ignores him, because it turns out to be Nikki. You know, Nikki. That girl who's had about two minutes of screentime who runs the bar, and who discovered Kelly's body. Everyone wonders how she's out wandering without being in danger, and Maggie snarks that maybe the killer is just after the wedding party, not the locals. Shane retorts that Jimmy was local. Nobody mentions poor Kelly, the reverend, or Burnface McGee.
Nikki and Abby go back to the kitchen so Abby can tearfully tell her about Jimmy being on the boat when the marina went up. She cries that she never told Jimmy how she felt about him, because she always expected him to be there waiting for her. You'd think the never-ending string of murders might have spurred her to take some action. If it's any consolation, Jimmy knew how she felt. If it's any further consolation, I don't think he's dead. Abby also tells Nikki that everyone thinks her dad is behind the murders, but she can't believe it. Nikki reluctantly tells Abby that a lot happened while she was in LA, and that something in the sheriff "broke" while she was away.
MEANWHILE, out in the bar, Cal and Blond Tool ready themselves to make a break for the sailboat. Maggie's brain leaks out of the side of her head. I guess I shouldn't say things like that during a murder mystery show, because it may well be taken literally. No, I mean that Maggie decides that since the murderer didn't kill Nikki, then he must not be interested in killing locals, so she's decided to stroll on home. That's some of the weakest reasoning I've ever heard. She ignores me, and resolutely walks out. When she's not immediately cut down, Blond Tool thinks they should all follow her lead. I could use a break from his toolishness. Cal invites him to go whenever he'd like. Blond Tool pusses out.
MEANWHILE, Henry goes to console Shane about Jimmy's death, despite the bad blood between them. Shane says something typically assy, and for once, Henry doesn't jump down his throat, but genuinely inquires into why Shane is like this all the time. He wonders why Shane insults anyone who wasn't born on the island. Shane shrugs that while the locals are stuck there, Henry and his gang were stupid enough to volunteer to come back. He wonders why Henry would ever want to get married here. "Believe me, I'm having second thoughts," Henry cracks. That melts Shane's shell a little, and he smiles. He says that he's not leaving the island, even if it's been turned into a graveyard. Then he sucks down some scotch in honor of Jimmy.
MEANWHILE, Abby finally has time to actually ask Madison about her story. She wonders if the sheriff was physically OK, because she thought his leg was hurt pretty badly. Madison is typically unhelpful. Just when Abby gets to a pertinent question about whether Madison is sure it was Abby's dad who took her, Shea busts in all "Get away from her! Maddy's been through enough!" Yes, let's not get any information that might actually save the rest of your lives. By all means, let's spare Madison's feelings, and get even more people killed. Luckily, this fight is broken up when Madison announces that there's someone on the roof. Once again, the hotheads want to fire their guns madly, and cooler heads prevail. Perhaps this time, the hotheads had the right idea, because Maggie's body slams into the window, suspended by a noose. I hate to say it, but it kind of serves her right. Now, are Madison's pwecious feewings still top priority around here?
The guys head to the bar to concoct a distraction that will give Blond Tool and Cal a chance to escape to the sailboat. They mix up some Molotov cocktails. Abby somewhat hilariously shuts the blinds so that they don't have to stare at Maggie's body. Then they wait for dark. Darkness comes quickly, and we get an outside shot of the bar with Maggie still swinging around. Cal and Chloe confer in a corner. She worries for his safety, and apologizes for bringing him to this wedding. He wishes he didn't have to go, and gives her the ring to hold onto, because he wants to ask her something when he gets back. Talk about tempting Fate.
MEANWHILE, it's time to start tossing bombs. The Molotov cocktails explode into a hopefully distracting fire. Cal kisses Chloe, and upon seeing this, Blond Tool kisses Nikki. Seriously, what a tool. She's kind of a tool, too, so she's charmed. Cal and Blond Tool make a break for it. Cal idiotically dashes for the driver's side, forgetting that he's in America, even though he's been in America for God knows how long before this whole mess even started. This gives the murderer time to plug him with a (non-fatal) bullet. Though the plan is obviously botched, Blond Tool moves forward, shoving Cal into the car, and diving in after him as bullets continue to rain down on them. They manage to get away. As they speed off, Chloe wonders if one of them was hit, but nobody inside the bar can tell.
Blond Tool drives down the road for a bit, but gets concerned about Cal's wound, and takes him to the clinic over Cal's protestations. Back in the bar, Madison starts to catch the snap about where Richard is. As Cal promises to talk Blond Tool through the process of digging a bullet out, a police vehicle approaches the bar. Everyone inside quickly realizes that there's a body on the hood. Jeez, how do you drive around with a body on your hood without it falling off? That's some skill behind the wheel. The car comes to a stop, and Jimmy rolls off the hood onto the ground.
So of course, everyone comes pouring out of the bar, because they've learned nothing this past week. Abby feels for a pulse, and discovers that Jimmy is alive. Hey, it's about time I was right about something! They take Jimmy into the bar, and while I can understand the impulse, you'd think they'd wonder who's behind the wheel first. Oh, wait. It soon becomes apparent that the truck has driven off. It'd have been nice if they'd shown us that. Shane surmises that Jimmy had time to jump into the water before the marina blew up, and Danny finds Abby's room key taped to Jimmy's wrist. Trish interprets this as the sheriff wanting Abby to come to the room, and is offering Jimmy alive as a gesture of peace. Despite defending the sheriff up and down when Abby did it, now Henry declares that it's far too dangerous for Abby to do such a thing, offering everyone up to go with her. It'd be nice if he gave half the thought he gives his friend to his fiancee. Luckily, Abby's drama beacon goes off, and she declares that she's going alone. She struts off in much the same manner Maggie did, though she's got a gun and bit more of a sense of self-preservation.
She arrives at the inn, and finds the sheriff waiting in her old room. He asks if Jimmy arrived safely. Abby confirms this, and the sheriff reveals that he's made a deal with John Wakefield himself to keep Jimmy alive. Abby blabs the old party line about Wakefield being dead. Shut up and listen to what he has to say! She wonders why she should believe a word he says, and he tells her that her coming to the inn was part of a trap. He warns her to stay away from him.
MEANWHILE, Madison tells Trish that she lied about the sheriff kidnapping her. Creepy brat. I guess this time she has more of an excuse, because her "new friend" told her that Shea would disappear like Richard has if Madison didn't lie to Abby. The sheriff becomes more and more distraught, begging Abby to leave before she witnesses something horrible. She won't. She still doesn't buy that Wakefield is alive, and asks if she's Wakefield's daughter. The sheriff swears that she isn't. Abby finally notices the cord attached to the sheriff's hands and a walkie-talkie listening in nearby. The sheriff tells her it's too late for him, and wants her to go be with Jimmy. Abby tearfully asks if the sheriff traded his life for Jimmy's, and the sheriff begs her to kill Wakefield once and for all, as it's the only way to end the reign of terror. He manages to tell Abby that he loves her before he's pulled back through the window, ending up hanged, just as Maggie was. Abby runs outside, and is found by...Wakefield, who tells her she looks just like Valerie Harper. No, Abby looks just like Parker Posey.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Feelings... Nothing More Than Feelings
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 9
One of the most realistic things that can happen when everyone hiding from a serial killer is holed up for safety is that they'll sit around fighting and talking out their issues. Realistic, but not much fun. In the interest of time and, well...interest, I'm going to gloss over the jabber-jabber.
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Danny, Shea, Katherine, and Trish are wandering around the inn blahing about Madison, when Blond Tool and Beth return from their half-hearted attempt to ditch the island. Cal, Chloe, and Abby tend to the sheriff's wounds at a medical clinic, as Jimmy and Henry drag JD's body in. As the sheriff tells Abby to keep Wakefield's diary safe, Jimmy discovers a few pages of it, which have fallen out of JD's pocket. He gives them to Henry.
MEANWHILE. Blah at the inn. Shea's mad at Blond Tool for attempting to leave. Blond Tool reports on JD's death. Trish wonders if that means JD didn't kill Sinister Dad. Dur. Blond Tool and Danny are lured out of the inn by bright headlights and loud music. They're soon held at gunpoint by Shane, who's looking for JD. Why the ruse and gunplay was needed to ask that question is beyond me. Blond Tool has to announce JD's death again. At the clinic, Henry and Abby blah about a bunch of stuff we've all heard before. Then, Henry teleports back to the inn to stop Shane from terrorizing everyone there.
MEANWHILE, Abby shows the diary to Jimmy. He tells her about the missing pages, and despite the fact that she's got all but a few pages (plenty of which escaped the fire), and the fact that she doesn't know what part of the book is relevant (if any), she decides that she must go get the missing pages from Henry right away. What'ere. Back at the inn, Maggie locks all the ways in or out except one set of doors, which won't do much good when characters can teleport at will. Shane continues being a douche. I'm not sure why the others don't kick him out of the inn and let him fend for himself. Abby and Jimmy teleport in to ask for the missing pages of Wakefield's diary, which leads Abby to discover that she may be Wakefield's daughter. Yeah, the audience jumped to that conclusion the second the sheriff mentioned the relationship between Wakefield and Valerie Harper. Nevertheless, the music is asking us to treat this as a huge reveal. All right, then. OH MY FUCKING GOD, ABBY MIGHT BE WAKEFIELD'S KID!
So of course everyone freaks out. Shane is naturally a huge douche about the whole thing, but his main point that Abby's presence is sparking all these murders isn't anything that friendlier voices haven't opined. The main problem is that even if Abby's presence is causing the murders, that doesn't mean she's committing them. Nobody bothers to think about why her being on the island is precipitating death, and it's annoying.
MEANWHILE, Katherine goes to find Shea, who is moping over Madison. Katherine tries to comfort her, and Shea yells at her, because a woman whose husband has been murdered and her daughter kidnapped isn't keen to accept solace from the Other Woman. Jimmy goes to talk to Abby (who's run outside), and she spills the details of her Ave Maria phone calls and the newspaper article taped to her mirror. Jimmy's like "Um, wouldn't this information have been useful before now?" and Abby sighs that she was hoping it was all a sick joke. You'd think the gobs of death since then might have convinced Miss Drama 2009 otherwise, but no. The whole point is that everything that's happening concerns Abby somehow and WE GET IT NOW.
MEANWHILE, seeing Cal help the sheriff has gotten Chloe all horny. They do it. Chloe and Cal, that is. Not Chloe and the sheriff (or Cal and the sheriff - heh). When Jimmy and Abby return to the inn's door, Shane won't let her back in. Henry beats him up, but they still don't kick him out, or tie him up, or lock him in a room somewhere or anything that would MAKE SENSE. Blond Tool, surprisingly, notices something other than himself or his sex doll, and asks where Beth is. She's such a non-entity that I wouldn't be surprised if she were all "I'm right here. I've been standing here the whole time," but no. She's missing. Danny and Blond Tool look around a bit before finding a trail of blood leading into a labyrinthine system of tunnels beneath the inn. Thus starts the search for Beth, which will take approximately seventeen hours. Even though the tunnels aren't hidden especially well, Maggie claims she had no idea they were there, guessing that they were used during Prohibition to funnel booze back and forth. Henry, Danny, Blond Tool, Abby, and Jimmy wind up being the search party. They've managed to lay their hands on powerful flashlights in the past four seconds.
MEANWHILE, back in the lounge, Shane offers consolation and liquor to Trish. She's not really in the mood for either. Especially when Katherine notes Shea's absence. Trish worriedly rushes to Shea's room, where she finds the Tower tarot card. "This is from my bachelorette party," she says. Well, no it isn't, since the creepy brat stole it, remember? In any event, Trish deduces that Shea must be on her way to visit the psychic. She wants to go get her, but Shane and Katherine try to convince her that wandering around outside at night when a killer is loose isn't the best plan. Trish pretends to agree until she has the chance to slip away and steal Shane's truck. There's that Wellington girl spirit! So headstrong! So stupid!
MEANWHILE, in the tunnels, there's some more snapping back and forth about Abby being Wakefield's kid. Blah. At a T-junction, the search party finds that the blood leads in two different directions, and decides to split up, because none of them have seen a mystery or horror movie ever. Danny and Blond Tool head one direction, while Jimmy, Henry, and Abby take the other. Back in the lounge, Shane and Katherine are having a drink and an awkward conversation about her status as a trophy wife (well, her status until the whole cleaver incident). I've got to say, with the very limited material she has to work with, the actress playing Katherine does a really good job. She cares about what's happening, but nobody wants her around, so she's saddened and helpless. Well done, Claudette Mink. She wanders off in disgust when Shane brings up her inheritance, so he starts carving his name in the bar. Maggie catches him, and he makes the probably-apt argument that nobody's ever going to stay at the inn again, anyway.
MEANWHILE, Trish catches up with Shea, who doesn't even turn around as the truck approaches. Lady, it's not going to do your kid much good if you're decapitated. We all applaud your maternal instincts; now stop being such a dumbass. Trish manages to talk Shea into at least joining her in the truck, if not going back to the inn.
Tunnels. Blah blah blah. Both search teams find small crawlspaces that Danny and Abby squeeze themselves into. Both make important discoveries. For Danny, it's Beth's mutilated corpse. Ah, Beth. Non-entity in life, and with a murder that not even the audience gets to witness, non-entity in death. Danny freaks out and crawls backwards back into the main tunnel. For Abby, it's a trap, of sorts. As she passes the midway point of the crawlspace, a gate closes behind her, blocking any backward movement. The guys aren't able to do anything about it, and ask her to stay put while they get some tools. Miss Drama ignores them, of course, and presses on. She finds her way to another big tunnel, and hears someone walking. She hurriedly squeezes herself into another crawlspace, and someone grabs her ankles and pulls. She manages to kick them off, wriggle through the crawlspace to another tunnel, grab her gun, and fire a round off back in the direction of her attacker. As she flees, she spots a door. It enters into a secret room with a bed. And on the bed...Madison. Alive and well.
MEANWHILE, the guys in the tunnels run into each other, and each explains what they've found. Abby leads Madison down the tunnels to a ladder. They begin to climb. Henry and the gang gets back to the lounge, where Shane is done carving his name. He tells them about Trish taking off. Shea and Trish tool down the road, Trish trying to convince Shea that once the sun is up the state police will arrive (I guess tipped off by the boat that already fled Harper's Island?) and they'll find Madison. Abby and Madison reach the top of the ladder, but cannot move the heavy grate on top. They hear the approaching truck, and Abby asks Madison to wave the flashlight as a signal. It's a good plan, but for the part where any plan that requires Madison to be competent is doomed to failure. She drops the flashlight down to the water below. Once the truck passes, Madison sticks her hand up through the grate. It's actually a very cool, creepy shot. By some miracle, Shea spots her in the mirror. Trish stops the truck, and they both rush back to help Madison and Abby.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe have wrapped up their nookie, and Cal goes to check on the sheriff. The sheriff has vanished, along with his oxygen tank. Hmm. Back at the inn, Henry grabs some wire cutters or shears or whatever. Not sure how that's going to get through a thick iron gate, but A for effort. He's distracted by the truck returning. He drops the shears, gets a gun, and rushes out to talk to Trish (and inform her about Beth's death). As the sun rises, everyone gathers outside to hug and reunite. Well, everyone but Shane and Katherine, that is. Shane, because he's an outsider, and Katherine, because she's busy being dead. She's sitting on a wicker couch, and Shane sees pools of blood spreading beneath her lap. He rushes off, horrified, and the camera pans to the back of the couch, where someone has rammed a pair of shears through, into Katherine's back. Yes, shears. Outside, Madison asks Abby if she liked "the game". That would be the Kidnap Madison game, which Madison says was planned by...the sheriff. Dun dun duuuuuuuun!
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: C+
One of the most realistic things that can happen when everyone hiding from a serial killer is holed up for safety is that they'll sit around fighting and talking out their issues. Realistic, but not much fun. In the interest of time and, well...interest, I'm going to gloss over the jabber-jabber.
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Danny, Shea, Katherine, and Trish are wandering around the inn blahing about Madison, when Blond Tool and Beth return from their half-hearted attempt to ditch the island. Cal, Chloe, and Abby tend to the sheriff's wounds at a medical clinic, as Jimmy and Henry drag JD's body in. As the sheriff tells Abby to keep Wakefield's diary safe, Jimmy discovers a few pages of it, which have fallen out of JD's pocket. He gives them to Henry.
MEANWHILE. Blah at the inn. Shea's mad at Blond Tool for attempting to leave. Blond Tool reports on JD's death. Trish wonders if that means JD didn't kill Sinister Dad. Dur. Blond Tool and Danny are lured out of the inn by bright headlights and loud music. They're soon held at gunpoint by Shane, who's looking for JD. Why the ruse and gunplay was needed to ask that question is beyond me. Blond Tool has to announce JD's death again. At the clinic, Henry and Abby blah about a bunch of stuff we've all heard before. Then, Henry teleports back to the inn to stop Shane from terrorizing everyone there.
MEANWHILE, Abby shows the diary to Jimmy. He tells her about the missing pages, and despite the fact that she's got all but a few pages (plenty of which escaped the fire), and the fact that she doesn't know what part of the book is relevant (if any), she decides that she must go get the missing pages from Henry right away. What'ere. Back at the inn, Maggie locks all the ways in or out except one set of doors, which won't do much good when characters can teleport at will. Shane continues being a douche. I'm not sure why the others don't kick him out of the inn and let him fend for himself. Abby and Jimmy teleport in to ask for the missing pages of Wakefield's diary, which leads Abby to discover that she may be Wakefield's daughter. Yeah, the audience jumped to that conclusion the second the sheriff mentioned the relationship between Wakefield and Valerie Harper. Nevertheless, the music is asking us to treat this as a huge reveal. All right, then. OH MY FUCKING GOD, ABBY MIGHT BE WAKEFIELD'S KID!
So of course everyone freaks out. Shane is naturally a huge douche about the whole thing, but his main point that Abby's presence is sparking all these murders isn't anything that friendlier voices haven't opined. The main problem is that even if Abby's presence is causing the murders, that doesn't mean she's committing them. Nobody bothers to think about why her being on the island is precipitating death, and it's annoying.
MEANWHILE, Katherine goes to find Shea, who is moping over Madison. Katherine tries to comfort her, and Shea yells at her, because a woman whose husband has been murdered and her daughter kidnapped isn't keen to accept solace from the Other Woman. Jimmy goes to talk to Abby (who's run outside), and she spills the details of her Ave Maria phone calls and the newspaper article taped to her mirror. Jimmy's like "Um, wouldn't this information have been useful before now?" and Abby sighs that she was hoping it was all a sick joke. You'd think the gobs of death since then might have convinced Miss Drama 2009 otherwise, but no. The whole point is that everything that's happening concerns Abby somehow and WE GET IT NOW.
MEANWHILE, seeing Cal help the sheriff has gotten Chloe all horny. They do it. Chloe and Cal, that is. Not Chloe and the sheriff (or Cal and the sheriff - heh). When Jimmy and Abby return to the inn's door, Shane won't let her back in. Henry beats him up, but they still don't kick him out, or tie him up, or lock him in a room somewhere or anything that would MAKE SENSE. Blond Tool, surprisingly, notices something other than himself or his sex doll, and asks where Beth is. She's such a non-entity that I wouldn't be surprised if she were all "I'm right here. I've been standing here the whole time," but no. She's missing. Danny and Blond Tool look around a bit before finding a trail of blood leading into a labyrinthine system of tunnels beneath the inn. Thus starts the search for Beth, which will take approximately seventeen hours. Even though the tunnels aren't hidden especially well, Maggie claims she had no idea they were there, guessing that they were used during Prohibition to funnel booze back and forth. Henry, Danny, Blond Tool, Abby, and Jimmy wind up being the search party. They've managed to lay their hands on powerful flashlights in the past four seconds.
MEANWHILE, back in the lounge, Shane offers consolation and liquor to Trish. She's not really in the mood for either. Especially when Katherine notes Shea's absence. Trish worriedly rushes to Shea's room, where she finds the Tower tarot card. "This is from my bachelorette party," she says. Well, no it isn't, since the creepy brat stole it, remember? In any event, Trish deduces that Shea must be on her way to visit the psychic. She wants to go get her, but Shane and Katherine try to convince her that wandering around outside at night when a killer is loose isn't the best plan. Trish pretends to agree until she has the chance to slip away and steal Shane's truck. There's that Wellington girl spirit! So headstrong! So stupid!
MEANWHILE, in the tunnels, there's some more snapping back and forth about Abby being Wakefield's kid. Blah. At a T-junction, the search party finds that the blood leads in two different directions, and decides to split up, because none of them have seen a mystery or horror movie ever. Danny and Blond Tool head one direction, while Jimmy, Henry, and Abby take the other. Back in the lounge, Shane and Katherine are having a drink and an awkward conversation about her status as a trophy wife (well, her status until the whole cleaver incident). I've got to say, with the very limited material she has to work with, the actress playing Katherine does a really good job. She cares about what's happening, but nobody wants her around, so she's saddened and helpless. Well done, Claudette Mink. She wanders off in disgust when Shane brings up her inheritance, so he starts carving his name in the bar. Maggie catches him, and he makes the probably-apt argument that nobody's ever going to stay at the inn again, anyway.
MEANWHILE, Trish catches up with Shea, who doesn't even turn around as the truck approaches. Lady, it's not going to do your kid much good if you're decapitated. We all applaud your maternal instincts; now stop being such a dumbass. Trish manages to talk Shea into at least joining her in the truck, if not going back to the inn.
Tunnels. Blah blah blah. Both search teams find small crawlspaces that Danny and Abby squeeze themselves into. Both make important discoveries. For Danny, it's Beth's mutilated corpse. Ah, Beth. Non-entity in life, and with a murder that not even the audience gets to witness, non-entity in death. Danny freaks out and crawls backwards back into the main tunnel. For Abby, it's a trap, of sorts. As she passes the midway point of the crawlspace, a gate closes behind her, blocking any backward movement. The guys aren't able to do anything about it, and ask her to stay put while they get some tools. Miss Drama ignores them, of course, and presses on. She finds her way to another big tunnel, and hears someone walking. She hurriedly squeezes herself into another crawlspace, and someone grabs her ankles and pulls. She manages to kick them off, wriggle through the crawlspace to another tunnel, grab her gun, and fire a round off back in the direction of her attacker. As she flees, she spots a door. It enters into a secret room with a bed. And on the bed...Madison. Alive and well.
MEANWHILE, the guys in the tunnels run into each other, and each explains what they've found. Abby leads Madison down the tunnels to a ladder. They begin to climb. Henry and the gang gets back to the lounge, where Shane is done carving his name. He tells them about Trish taking off. Shea and Trish tool down the road, Trish trying to convince Shea that once the sun is up the state police will arrive (I guess tipped off by the boat that already fled Harper's Island?) and they'll find Madison. Abby and Madison reach the top of the ladder, but cannot move the heavy grate on top. They hear the approaching truck, and Abby asks Madison to wave the flashlight as a signal. It's a good plan, but for the part where any plan that requires Madison to be competent is doomed to failure. She drops the flashlight down to the water below. Once the truck passes, Madison sticks her hand up through the grate. It's actually a very cool, creepy shot. By some miracle, Shea spots her in the mirror. Trish stops the truck, and they both rush back to help Madison and Abby.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe have wrapped up their nookie, and Cal goes to check on the sheriff. The sheriff has vanished, along with his oxygen tank. Hmm. Back at the inn, Henry grabs some wire cutters or shears or whatever. Not sure how that's going to get through a thick iron gate, but A for effort. He's distracted by the truck returning. He drops the shears, gets a gun, and rushes out to talk to Trish (and inform her about Beth's death). As the sun rises, everyone gathers outside to hug and reunite. Well, everyone but Shane and Katherine, that is. Shane, because he's an outsider, and Katherine, because she's busy being dead. She's sitting on a wicker couch, and Shane sees pools of blood spreading beneath her lap. He rushes off, horrified, and the camera pans to the back of the couch, where someone has rammed a pair of shears through, into Katherine's back. Yes, shears. Outside, Madison asks Abby if she liked "the game". That would be the Kidnap Madison game, which Madison says was planned by...the sheriff. Dun dun duuuuuuuun!
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: C+
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