The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 9
Previously on The Amazing Race: Five teams left Greece for Oman. Ray and Yolanda fell to squabbling about nothing and continued throughout the entire leg. Once in Oman, the Tools broke out their navigation skills, which promptly got them hopelessly lost. BJ struggled and struggled and struggled at the Roadblock, eventually letting all the teams pass the Hippies by. Frankenberry managed a shocking first place finish, while the Hippies limped into the pitstop in last, but were spared by non-elimination. Five teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. I love that following Double D's intro clip, there's a shot of a monkey furrowing his brow in confusion. Yeah, monkey, I don't know what they were doing on the show, either.
Jabreen Castle, Oman. Opening Phil blather. Frankenberry leaves the mat first at 5:35 PM. I wonder how they're working the usual 12-hour resting time this week, because there is no way in hell Frankenberry arrived at 5:35 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Perth, Australia. The establishing shots are nicely accented by a didgeridoo in the background. Before heading to the airport, Frankenberry lets us know that they're going to drop $20 in the Hippies' car, presumably because they're just trying to be nice. We've seen Frankenberry and the Hippies be very friendly with each other for several legs. Barry interviews that while they're not as fast as the other teams, they're hoping their travel experience will give them a leg-up. Yes, that is the four billionth time we've heard an interview to exactly that effect. Thanks for asking.
MoJo leaves the mat at 5:54 PM. They gloat about the Hippies having no money, and interview that the competition is getting brutal as the number of teams dwindles down. I've seen no evidence of that aside from some snotty attitude at airports. In fact, MoJo's really the only team caught up in some sort of "us vs. them" mindset. Now, this is interesting. MoJo tells us that at the pitstop, the Hippies asked them to leave money in the car, saying that if they didn't, they'd be on the business end of the next Yield. Does that sound like something the Hippies would say or do at all? Here's my guess. At the pitstop, the Hippies were goofing around like they always do, and said something along those lines as a joke. Or, they may have even said the converse -- something like "Hey, if you guys slip us some money, we swear we'll never Yield you." But I just can't see them making this full-on threat, not only because it doesn't seem in line with their personalities, but because they know that they have no guarantee of getting to the next Yield ahead of MoJo, so it would be royally stupid to piss them off needlessly. So while I have no proof of this, I'm going with the assumption that MoJo is making a big deal out of nothing and blowing things way out of proportion.
Meanwhile, Frankenberry is hitting horrible traffic. They pull off to a gas station to try and figure out another way to the airport, but there is none. It seems that traffic is tied up because the King of Oman is possibly in the neighborhood. That happened to me in London. Stupid Queen Elizabeth coming home at an inconvenient time. Doesn't she have any consideration for my schedule? Frankenberry has no choice but to get back on the crowded highway and just wait out the traffic. MoJo hits the same jam. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 6:26 PM. Yolanda hopes they can recapture the fun they were having in the first few legs rather than fighting. They get off to a good start by bonding over disdain of MoJo. Ray and Yolanda left the Hippies some money, but noted that MoJo didn't. Yolanda says that MoJo tries to come off as nice people, but really aren't. The Tools leave the mat at 6:47 PM, and we hear that the teams are receiving $181 for this leg. They leave the Hippies an IOU for $100. Slow clap. I don't have a problem with them not leaving any money, because they phrase it in terms of not helping their competition, rather than some stupid personal vendetta. Still, they're not funny. Shut up, Tools. Everyone gets caught up in the same traffic jam, though it's finally starting to flow. Fireworks welcome the king to wherever he's going. The Tools hope that the Hippies will miss whatever upcoming flight people will be on (#1 -- you'll see why that had to be numbered in a little while).
The Hippies leave the mat at 8:21 PM. Ouch. They start the leg with no money except the $30 that other teams have left them. BJ sarcastically interviews that MoJo better watch out. You see how completely not serious he is about it? I'm sure the Hippies aren't wild about MoJo, and in fact would Yield them given the opportunity, but not because they didn't leave money in their car. The Hippies are about the jolliest team in last place with no money that I've ever seen. Frankenberry and MoJo arrive at the airport. They learn of a flight on Emirates Airlines from Muscat through Dubai to Perth, leaving at 12:45 AM. Ray and Yolanda and the Tools catch up at the airport. MoJo opines that there's no way that the Hippies will be able to make their flight (#2). The Hippies pick up a hitchhiker named Abdul on their way to the airport. He says he's a Bedouin from the desert. BJ replies that he's from New Jersey. Heh.
At the airport, all four of the lead teams have gotten their tickets on the Emirates flight. Eric says that the Hippies won't be able to make it (#3). The Hippies have to stop for gas, and their passenger somehow hooks them up with candy, juice and gas. Sweet! They exchange some sort of traditional thank you that looks like an Eskimo kiss. Abdul leaves them there, and the Hippies head to the airport, where the other teams are boarding. The Tools store their bags and hope that the Hippies don't make it (#4). The Hippies arrive at the airport and head for the ticket counter. Jeremy says the Hippies won't make it (#5). He's sure of it. He says that MoJo is sure of it (#6). Now, let's see. We've been told six times that there's no way in hell the Hippies will ever make this flight. So...blatant Fate tempting on a reality show. Shall I give you a guess as to whether or not the Hippies make it? Go on, guess. OF COURSE THEY MAKE IT. Which is nice and all, since missing it would have certainly spelled their doom, but is there anyone on Earth who didn't know they were going to make it, based on that setup? These shows have gotten so wrapped up in the "This isn't going to happen...this isn't going to happen...this isn't going to happen....Oh, look! It happened!" credo that at this point, it would really be more surprising if the things people predict are going to happen actually happened.
Commercials. You know what people have an immense amount of technical difficulty with? Sitting cross-legged.
The Hippies board the plane. By the way, the gate agent is really pretty. That has nothing to do with anything, but I noticed it multiple times, so there you go. Predictably, the teams that left them money are like "Hey", while the teams that didn't are like "Curse the Hippies!". MoJo is still bitter about the Hippies "threatening" to Yield them. The plane takes off. We finally hear where the teams are headed once they land in Australia. Their next clue will be at a war memorial in King's Park. According to the signs, the botanical gardens are nearby, and I'd much rather the teams have headed there. The plane lands. Everyone grabs a taxi. The Tools pass MoJo on the way to the park, and Monica makes a joke about them smelling bad that I think lands on the Top 20 Stupidest Unfunny Jokes of All Time. Ray and Yolanda talk about keeping their "verbal clutter" to a minimum, which either means they're going to concentrate on not fighting or they're going to ignore each other. In the Hippie cab, Tyler says that by asking for money on the plane, they've made over $300, which is almost double what the other teams received at the beginning of the leg. Frankenberry hits a lot of red lights, and are understandably frustrated.
The Tools get to the clue box first. The clue tells them to go to Freemantle, then travel by ferry to Rottnest Island, which is a popular vacation spot. You'd think they could have chosen a more seductive name than Rottnest to pull those tourists in, but those Aussies are wacky. Freemantle is about an hour's drive away, but I guess the Tools have plenty of money, because they stick with their cab. MoJo does the same thing. Ray and Yolanda are third to the clue, but decide that the cab ride to Freemantle is too costly. The Hippies, in fourth, discover the same thing, so the two teams independently decide to take the bus. Frankenberry is last to the clue box, and stick with their cab.
In Freemantle, MoJo and the Tools arrive to find that the earliest ferry departs at 7:30 AM. Way to waste all that money on your cab! I mean, I know they had no way of knowing that the ferries wouldn't be running overnight, but it still brings me great joy to watch teams I dislike suffer a setback like this. Frankenberry arrives, and all three teams head for a nearby hostel. Ray/Yolanda and the Hippies hop on the bus. The three lead teams enter the crowded hostel. One of the Tools gets dibs on "bottom", which I bet happens to him a lot. Frankenberry gets assigned to a room called "The Pleasure Dome". Hehehe. It's full of people, and Barry comments that the race has ruined their sex life. Fran agrees. Aw. Those poor, horny old people. I do have to admit that I hadn't really considered how frustrating limited sexual release would be on this race. Man, that'd suck. Or not suck, as the case may be. The two trailing teams catch up. To the ferry, that is. They didn't catch up on Frankenberry's sexual woes.
In the morning, everyone boards the ferry. Once across, they have to pick up a tandem bike and ride it three miles to a lighthouse, where the next clue will be. The ferry arrives, they get their bikes, and everyone starts riding. It looks like the taller person should really be in front, because there's a shot of Ray and Yolanda with him in the rear, and his legs are so bent up that he can barely pedal. The ride itself doesn't look like a picnic. There are several fairly steep hills the teams have to get themselves over. Frankenberry has a lot of experience cycling, so they're having no trouble at all. That brings us to Ray and Yolanda, who are pulling over to switch places. Good idea. They start doing better once they get back on the road. The Tools reach the clue box. Detour! Sand or Sea. In Sand, teams choose a pile that contains forty large tree branches. They then drag the branches 126 yards to a marked area. Apparently, this is actually done in Australia as a way of preventing beach erosion. I'm not sure how much sand would be saved by brushing it with a tree branch, but I'm sure that there's some information being left out. Once all the branches are moved, they'll get their next clue. In Sea, teams have to dive beneath the waves and search through 50 crayfish traps. A few of them contain live crayfish, and each team member has to grab one to bring to someone waiting on the beach. Once they do this, they'll get the next clue. This one would be a no-brainer for me. The Detour is located on a beach called Salmon Bay, and teams have to get there on their tandem bikes.
The Tools choose Sea. MoJo arrives while they're discussing it, and wind up choosing Sea as well. The Hippies arrive. MoJo takes the opportunity to hate them some more. The Hippies say that MoJo is their target when the next Yield comes along. Hmm, maybe they weren't kidding so much earlier. I still think it comes out of general dislike, rather than some sort of failed extortion plot. MoJo calls them sleazy because they follow everybody. I assume they're leaving out the multitude of legs where the Hippies beat their asses into the ground. Also, don't you love the implication that they're being "followed", when everyone is going from the same place to the same place, using the same method of transportation? The Hippies choose Sand, as does Frankenberry close behind. Ooh! Ray and Yolanda arrive, and Yolanda calls them "Frankenberry"! I swear! Thanks for the shout-out, time-traveling Yolanda! They obviously choose Sand, given Yolanda's water issues. Pretty lighthouse, by the way.
The Tools arrive at Salmon Bay. The Hippies are right behind them. Guess they're not "following" you anymore, huh, MoJo? Once on the beach, they split into their separate Detours. BJ isn't so much dragging the branches as carrying them. That would defeat the entire purpose of moving them if they were really beach sweeping, but they're not, so who cares? MoJo is still on the bike. Joseph asks Monica to open a bottle of water. She asks him to hold on, because she thinks they're going the wrong way. Fairly understandable requests on both of their parts, yes? So of course they blow the entire thing out of proportion and start screaming at each other. See why I'm not willing to take their word about the whole Evil Hippie thing? It turns out they are, indeed, going the wrong way. Joseph apologizes, and instead of accepting it and moving on, Monica takes the opportunity to gripe some more about him not paying attention. He yells at her some more. Remember when I hated MoJo in episode 1, and then they became more tolerable? Yeah, we're back to episode 1 now. Shut up, MoJo.
The Tools are in skimpy bathing suits, so you can imagine the sort of comments that inspires. They get into the water and start looking for their crayfish. Frankenberry arrives at the beach. They start dragging their branches. A Tool grabs a crayfish. The crayfish doesn't look happy about it. More branch dragging. Another Tool grabs another crayfish. They go back to the beach, where the guy waiting for them asks them if they have his lunch. That's good for a wry smile. They turn in their crayfish, and the guy hands them their clue. MoJo finally arrives. The Tools open their clue, which tells them to get back to the mainland, then make their way to Freemantle Prison, which was closed down in 1991. It was built in the 1800s by convict labor. Heh. It's deliciously cruel to make convicts build their own jail. They knew how to do things in the 1800s. They leave while MoJo gets changed. The Hippies finish up with their branches, and get the prison clue. They spot MoJo and talk about how they don't like them. I really think the audience gets it now, thanks. Joseph spots a crayfish, and asks Monica if they're supposed to get one or two. Monica says she's pretty sure it's one. Snerk. He grabs it, and they head back to the beach, just as Ray and Yolanda are arriving. They begin dragging. Beach Guy uses the "brought me my lunch" line again, but amends it to "half of my lunch". Hee. MoJo runs back to the water, Joseph bemoaning their "crappy luck". Yeah, not reading your clue is so unlucky. Dumbass.
Yolanda calls Frankenberry "Frankenberry" again. Woo! Frankenberry finishes up their branches, and gets the prison clue. In the water, Joseph spots another crayfish. He calls Monica over, and she hems and haws about it for no reason. When she dives, the crayfish scuttles away from her. She surfaces without having gotten it, and freaks out about how scared she is. Yeah, I'd be a little worried about about getting pinched or bitten. It looks like they've got some protective gloves, though. Joseph yells at her about going back down, and she whines that she has "every right to be scared".
Urgh. Sidebar. One of the things that drives me absolutely batshit is when people do assy things, then act all surprised and wounded when they don't get the respectful response they wanted, just because they "have a right" to do something. For example, you have the right to write a letter to the newspaper about how God hates homosexuals, and how they should never be able to marry. Other people then have the right to write you off as the narrow-minded bigot you are. So when you stop getting invited to Academy Award parties and none of the caterers in town will touch your anniversary party with a ten-foot pole, don't go around crying that you're being punished for something that you had the right to do. Or, if an insane Tool fan shows up here, I can say that I have the right to edit out all their bullshit hypermasculine posturing, but I can't expect that they'd be happy about it. In that vein, if you're an insane Tool fan, please wander elsewhere. In this case, Monica "has the right" to be scared, but Joseph has the equal right to point out that her stupid hissy fit is costing them valuable time. Sorry for the rant, but shit like that just gets my blood boiling.
Commercials. I like baby-back ribs. I just hate the phrase baby-back ribs.
Monica finally gets her crayfish. They leave for the prison in fourth place. As they talk about making no more mistakes, Joseph puts his bicycle helmet on backwards. Heh. Ray and Yolanda finish up with their branches, get their clue, and take off. The Tools return their bike, and hop on a departing 9:15 AM ferry for Freemantle. There's that Tool luck I despise so. The Hippies pull in next and discover a 9:25 AM ferry, but this one is to Hillarys Port, where there is apparently a dire apostrophe shortage. The Hippies decide to go ahead and take it, then grab a taxi to Freemantle, rather than waiting for the next Freemantle ferry. At the ferry port, Frankenberry arranges to have a taxi pick them up in Freemantle and take them to the prison. MoJo pulls into the bike shop, with Ray and Yolanda not far behind. They meet up with Frankenberry on the 10:00 AM ferry. The Tools arrive in Freemantle. The Hippies arrive in Hillarys Port. On the 10:00 AM ferry, Joseph borrows somebody's phone to arrange for a taxi to meet them. Monica enthusiastically chows into a sandwich. Heh. The Tools arrive at the prison. Roadblock! This one asks "Who's ready for a great escape?". Well, that doesn't help at all. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to search within Division 4 of the prison cells for a flashlight and product placed batteries that I shall not mention until they pay me to do so. Once they've got the flashlight, they have to search for a certain door that leads down into the caverns running underneath the prison. There's a set of dry caverns or wet ones (accessible by canoe) where they'll have to search for their next clue. Sounds like a tough one.
Jeremy takes on the Roadblock. He has trouble locating the cell blocks, so we know we're in for some entertaining incompetence. He finally does find the right place, though it takes him a few tries to find a cell with a flashlight in it. Now, Jeremy starts running all over the prison grounds, looking for the tunnel access. The Hippies are having red light issues, much as Frankenberry was earlier. On the ferry, MoJo and Frankenberry discover that they've both called cabs. Upon being told that the drivers should know their names, Joseph openly tells Barry that MoJo is just going to take the first cab they see, regardless of whether it's theirs or Frankenberry's. Nice to see that MoJo's ever-so-flexible sense of morality hasn't abandoned them. The Hippies are scum, but stealing Frankenberry's cab would be completely acceptable. Gotcha. The ferry arrives, and there's only one cab waiting. It belongs to MoJo, and I frankly wish that Frankenberry had stolen it. They don't, though, so MoJo is off. Monica gloats that Frankenberry can't accuse them of stealing their cab now, which is kind of like saying that although you were planning on robbing a liquor store, now you don't need to because your great aunt left you a nice inheritance. Doesn't really make you an upstanding person. Ray and Yolanda decide to go to the prison on foot, since it's not that far away. Frankenberry continues their futile search for the missing taxi.
Commercials. KFC, though offering more mashed potatoes is a good idea, it's still not enough to trick me into eating your crappy chicken.
Frankenberry hops on a bus to the prison. I don't know how good an idea that was, given that other teams didn't have a problem walking there. Who knows how many stops a bus is going to make? Jeremy is still wandering around, looking for the door to the tunnels. MoJo arrives, so the Tools managed to blow a 45-minute lead. Nice. Joseph takes the Roadblock. The Hippies arrive, so their big plan to pick up time on the ferry teams didn't work out at all. Tyler takes the Roadblock. Jeremy finally finds the tunnel entrance. He has the nerve to yell at the people manning the tunnels, as if it's their fault he couldn't navigate his way out of a wet paper bag. He gets suited up, and opts for the wet tunnels. Seems to me the dry would be faster, but whatever. Joseph and Tyler are looking for the Division 4 cell blocks. Tyler asks Joseph if he knows where he's going, and if he wants to work together to pick up some time. Now, I'm generally a fan of the Hippies and generally a...non-fan of MoJo, but Tyler cannot seriously be asking for help from the team that he knows despises him. Joseph blows him off, takes off in his own direction, and finds a flashlight. Tyler finds one soon after. Jeremy has trouble finding a clue. I bet I'd be typing that sentence a lot if I were recapping his life.
Ray and Yolanda arrive, and Yolanda takes on the Roadblock. Frankenberry is last to the clue box. Fran pronounces herself "scared" for no perceptible reason, but takes it on anyway. Jeremy has made a full circle in his boat, so he gives up and heads for the dry tunnels. He manages to find one in there without too much trouble. Joseph finds the tunnel entrance. One of the workers yells out "Welcome to the hidden tunnels!". Heh. They won't stay hidden for long if you insist on proclaiming people's entrances that way. As Joseph gets suited up, he meets Jeremy coming out of the tunnels, and asks what he should do. "Take the canoe," Jeremy advises. Oh, burn! Welcome to my first liking a Tool moment. It only took nine episodes. Jeremy emerges and yells to Eric that it'll take the other teams forever. Uh, huh. They said the same thing as they lamely drove around looking for the Bedouin camp last week, and we all know how that turned out. Their clue sends them to the next pitstop, the south breakwater at the Freemantle Sailing Club, which is less than two miles away.
The Tools attempt to screw MoJo by stealing their cab, but MoJo's stuff is still sitting inside, not to mention the fact that they haven't paid for it yet. Sweet. Another passerby tells them that they can just walk. Yes, a mile and a half isn't that far, but they know that MoJo's right behind them with a cab at their disposal. I'm surprised they gave up on finding a ride that easily. Joseph finds one of the clues in the wet tunnels. So much for it taking "forever". Tyler heads for the tunnels. Yolanda heads for the cell blocks. She finds her flashlight. Fran is right behind her, and begins searching for the tunnels. The Tools ask some nearby women for directions, and are completely ignored. I love you, nameless women. Joseph emerges, and MoJo jumps in their cab. Now it's a race to the mat, and this is no editing trick. It's really, really close. The Tools land on the mat literally two seconds before MoJo, so the latter has yet to finish first in any leg. Hehehe. This is the first time I'm glad to see the Tools win a leg. They win a trip to Hong Kong. MoJo takes their defeat with humility, which somehow doesn't detract from my joy at their loss.
Tyler and Yolanda team up to find the tunnel entrance. I know Tyler had no way of knowing that he just became a big factor in ejecting his friend Fran right out of the race, but there you go. Tyler and Yolanda get into canoes. Yolanda likens it to being on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Hehehe. Fran descends into the tunnels, and goes for the dry ones. Tyler finds a clue. He and BJ still have their cab from before, which gives them a nice jump. Yolanda finds a clue. Fran finds a clue. Ray and Yolanda manage to snag a cab with no problems, so it looks like all the people in Perth have some sort of Tool-ignoring conspiracy going, which I'd like to be a part of. Frankenberry gets one, too. The Hippies hit the mat as team #3. Phil's impressed. Now it's the edited-to-look-close portion to see who's going to come in last. Since you already know, let's just get to it. Ray and Yolanda manage to get to the mat as team #4. Yolanda's all "hey, that's great!" Heh. That puts Frankenberry in last, and they're eliminated. Fran tells herself that she's not going to cry, but she does anyway. Don't feel bad, Fran. I'd probably bawl at the elimination mat. They're extremely proud of getting as far as they did, as they should be. Barry calls Fran an incredible woman, and says that "[he] couldn't exist without her". Aw. I hope someone says that about me someday.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Snapping crocodiles + Tools = Happy Limecrete. The Hippies and MoJo continue to hate each other.
Overall Grade: B-
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Restaurant Wars
Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 7
Previously on Top Chef: Ted Allen threw a "dinner party". One hopes the guests were informed in advance that they'd be taped. Doesn't that sound like a delightful and relaxing evening? Miguel screwed up royally. Tiffani told the judges that he should be eliminated, then sort of lied about it afterwards. Miguel didn't buy it, and declared war on her. Dave's a big ball of emotions, and was told he needed to keep his crazy jags under control. Andrea was eliminated. No, for real this time. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
San Francisco. At the IHOF, Tiffani rehashes the acrimony at the end of the last challenge, saying that Miguel attacked her for his own professional failures and that he can't handle the truth, even though he asked for it. Smug as she sounds right now, I can't find anything to argue with in that statement. Miguel's ready to play even harder, and blahs about the people who want him gone. He likes to talk about the Ethics of Competition a lot, but I note he tends to forget the little things, like, say...not pouring a bunch of salt into a recipe that calls for sugar. That may fall under that whole competitive vibe he's trying to nurture. Dave wants to earn some confidence by winning a challenge. I'm all for it if it'll mean he'll stop crying and whining all the time. Everyone heads out.
Quickfire. The chefs come into the Kitchen, and I'm displeased to note that instead of a guest judge, Tom is the one standing next to KatieBot. Bleh. Harold describes the incredible spread of ingredients laid out, from condiments to meats to breads. KatieBot tells them that the theme for the week is "business". Tom brags about his culinary accomplishments and blinks a lot. I realize with a small amount of satisfaction that my transition into full-on hating him is now complete. One of Tom's businesses is a sandwich-type place, a branch of which will be opening in San Francisco soon. The Quickfire Challenge will be to create a sandwich. It can be whatever kind of sandwich the chef chooses. KatieBot tells them that the winner of the challenge will not receive immunity. Everyone looks appropriately nonplussed. However, the winner will have their sandwich featured on the menu when the new restaurant opens. Tiffani's jazzed about that. They have thirty minutes to throw the sandwich together, and they're off.
Lee Anne's nervous. Miguel's nervous. Harold wisely interviews that since he's familiar with the menu at this restaurant, he's going to try and create something that will complement it well. Stephen wants to do something brunch-like. Dave disdains the brunch idea. Tiffani tells Dave to watch his bacon, and I catch a glimpse of a tattoo under her sleeve. I wonder what it is. I mean, what the tattoo is of. I do know what a tattoo is. As time winds down, everyone goes into that hysterical preparation mode that happens every week. I always think of sandwiches as such a laid-back kind of food that it's weird to see people in such a tizzy over them. Miguel interviews that he knew the most creative sandwich would win, so he's got the challenge in the bag. Well, let's see about that. Time's up.
Tom starts with Stephen, who calls his creation a "breakfast and lunch sandwich". Huh. If only there were a way to combine the ideas of breakfast and lunch into one short word. He even says he "rises pretty late". God, he's such a pretentious twit. His sandwich is a sunny-side up egg on brioche with ham and cheese. Yawn. Substitute an English muffin for the brioche, and you could get it at McDonald's. Oops, he's not done talking. He's also put on plantains, mango, fennel, lime, olive oil, chili peppers, and good GOD. It's gone from an overly simplistic sandwich to an overly complicated one. By this point, Carmen Miranda could wear this thing on her head. Tom says it's good, and moves on to Dave. He's called his sandwich Grape Ape. Heh. It's grilled sourdough with arugula, mushrooms, bacon, ham and peppers. It's finished off with grape jelly. Huh. I wonder how that would taste on things like ham. Tom likes it, and tells Dave it's nice to see him "going back to his flavors". You can pretty much assume I'm rolling my eyes every time Tom gives "feedback" like that. Tiffani's sandwich is enormous, and is called French toast Toad-in-the-Hole. It's roast beef, cheese, rosemary, and fennel seed. Tom can't get his mouth around it, and Tiffani says she was "literally embarrassed". If I'm ever in charge of the world, nobody will be accepted into a job, a college, or be allowed on television until they can use the word "literally" correctly.
Lee Anne's sandwich is salami and fried egg on foccacia. She's also incorporated sunchokes, which I've never had. They sound good. Tom takes a few bites, and it becomes apparent that she needed to chop the greens, because there's all sorts of stray food clinging to the bread and hanging out of Tom's mouth. Gross. Harold tells Tom about his plan to go for something that's vacant on the menu, but in the same style. It's a grilled sourdough with mortadella, black olive aioli, and dandelion. People cook with dandelions? I learn all sorts of things from this show. Harold interviews that Tom's a pioneer, and that they share a lot of the same philosophies. Ew, I hope that's not true. Miguel has made a vegetarian deconstructed falafel. And by "deconstructed", he means it doesn't resemble a sandwich at all. The falafel is now on the outside instead of the inside, but only on the bottom. It'd be a stretch to even call this an open-faced sandwich. Miguel's supplied a fork and knife, but Tom says he's going to eat it with his hands in fairness to everyone else. Stephen interviews that he has no idea what Miguel was thinking, and that he really needs to think about the challenge's parameters more. That's true, which is really scary coming from Stephen, given what went down in the monkfish challenge. Tom likes the flavors, but Miguel just nods sadly, knowing that he's blown it.
Judging. Tom again tells Dave that he's back on his game, flavor-wise, which really doesn't make any sense, since he was working off of Andrea's recipe last week. Stephen had an ambitious idea, but the flavors were all over the place. Not surprising. Harold's was good, although the grapes on the side would have been better served in the sandwich itself. Miguel would have won, were he to have MADE A SANDWICH. Lee Anne and Tiffani don't get any feedback. Tom has decided on the winner, and it is Harold. He's pleased, but says in an interview that he'd really rather have immunity. Hahahahaha!!!! Take that, Tom! Miguel is delusional about why he lost.
Elimination Challenge. KatieBot tells the chefs that they'll be taken to a raw restaurant space with two separate dining rooms. They'll be split into two teams, and will need to design what their space will look like, in addition to the menus. They'll have $1000 for all of their supplies. Lee Anne is worried about who will wind up on her team - for good reason, as it turns out. Dave pulls red. Tiffani pulls red. Stephen pulls blue. Harold pulls red. That's all we need. Tiffani interviews that the perfect team would have been her, Harold, and Lee Anne, since Dave takes everything way too personally. Lee Anne is in agreement with her, saying that her initial thoughts on her teammates were "Oh God. I'm fucked." Hehehe. Poor Lee Anne. A member of the winning team will win the challenge. A member of the losing team will be sent home. Gee, ya think? Tom tells them to brainstorm on the way to the restaurant.
Commercials. I think one ego-fueled chef show is enough. Get lost, Celebrity Cooking Showdown.
Evening. Wow, I didn't realize it took the chefs seven hours to walk out of the Kitchen and onto the street. In the red team's car, Tiffani tries to head off any potential Dave problems at the pass by saying that all three of them need to recognize that none of the decisions they make are personal. A valiant effort, Tiffani, but I think it's a losing battle. Dave says that Tiffani's headstrong, and needs to listen more. Also probably true. This is just an example of two people who are destined to not get along. It makes me wonder how they worked so well together before. In the blue team's car, Lee Anne asks for ideas about the overall restaurant concept. She and Stephen are both thinking Spain is very cutting-edge as far as what people like these days. Hey, sounds good to me. I love Spanish food. Miguel tries to throw in a bunch of menu ideas, not really getting that Latin America and Spain are not the same thing. He says in an interview that the other two really took charge of ideas, and that he's more at home in the kitchen. Everyone arrives at the restaurant space. Tom tells them that thirty guests will be coming, and they will choose which of the two dining rooms to patronize. They'll be judged on ambiance, teamwork, and of course, food. They look out at their dining areas. It's just two fairly blank rooms at this point.
Tiffani has given their restaurant its name, "American Workshop". Boring. Dave will be in charge of the dining room aspect, while Harold and Tiffani will take care of things in the kitchen. They decide that setting up the room as a family-style communal table will make serving easier. Good idea. Tiffani and Dave complain about each other some more, though Tiffani does laughingly admit that it'd be far worse to have Stephen on her team. Hehehe. The blue team has named their restaurant "Sabor", which is "taste" in Spanish. Lee Anne explains that Stephen will be on dining room duty, while she and Miguel will be in the kitchen. Stephen says that he'll be yapping about wines and such. Oh, will he ever. He also smarmerviews about how Dave's style of cooking is common, while his own is much more refined. He does not deign to explain why that's necessarily to his advantage in this challenge.
Morning. The teams are shopping for food supplies. The blue team will be making a tapas trio, red snapper on paella cake, and olive oil ice cream. Olive oil ice cream? OK. It looks like half of their overall budget can be spent on food. Miguel interviews that the budget is really tight. Lee Anne tries to reign in Stephen's habit of buying a bunch of expensive crap they don't need. The red team shops as well. They're making tuna tartare, roast chicken, fall vegetables, and fruit crisp. Tiffani wants to be methodical in her shopping. I guess that's another pointed dig at Dave. Miguel reports back that the snapper is $7.99 per pound. Lee Anne tells him to pick up seven pounds. He buys it and brings it back to Lee Anne and Stephen. Lee Anne notes that something's wrong, and looks at the receipt. Turns out the fish is not so much $7.99 per pound. More like $17.99 per pound. Miguel does that thing where he apologizes, but not really. Much as Barry did when he drove his car into a tree, his tone implies that this is something that just kind of happened to him, rather than something he did wrong. Lee Anne is furious, and tells him that she wouldn't have ordered that much fish had she known the actual price. She asks him to try and return some of the fish if he can. She interviews that she got put on a team with "the big thinker and the no-thinker". Harsh, but true.
Five hours until opening. Stephen interviews that their menu is fairly intricate. Lee Anne takes charge in the kitchen. Dave starts to cut onions, and Tiffani tells him not to, suggesting a whole onion instead. This is of course another opportunity for Dave to interview that Tiffani's a hardass, and doesn't allow input from others. Gee, I'm starting to get the feeling that Dave and Tiffani have wildly varying styles which interferes with their ability to work together. I know, it's probably nothing. He also says that she's the one who's going to have to take responsibility if they lose. Huh. By that reasoning, she's also the one who should get all the credit if they win, right? More on that later. Lee Anne interviews that while Dave shuttled back and forth from the dining room to the kitchen, Stephen just kind of did his thing in the dining room without really consulting her or Miguel. She should be grateful to be rid of him for a little while. There are a series of shots showing Lee Anne finding fault with a lot of whatever Miguel's doing. He doesn't appreciate the micromanaging. Well, sure. It's not like the second she takes her eye off of him, he'll do something stupid like misinterpret the price of fish by 10 dollars. Oh, wait. Tom checks in, and is typically unhelpful and a waste of both the chefs' and the audience's time.
Dave and Stephen go shopping for dining room supplies, where the other half of the budget will be spent. These are things like flatware, glassware, decorations, etc. Dave has a detailed list of what he needs. Stephen browses the crystal. Lee Anne interviews that Stephen has "champagne tastes on a beer budget". Both teams say that they're putting a lot of faith into the guys doing the shopping, and that there's a lot of pressure on them. Harold is relieved that Dave took it on, recognizing that he would not be good at this aspect of the challenge. Dave whines some more to the camera about Tiffani's bossiness, which doesn't really have anything to do with what he's doing, so I guess he's just venting about things in general. He checks out at just under his $500 limit. Stephen is still shopping. He tells the clerk he'd like to keep the total under $400, and the clerk tells him that the stuff he's already asked for puts him well over $1000. Hehehe. Miguel scores his first point of the episode by interviewing that he and Lee Anne knew that Stephen was going to go "waaaaaaaaaaaay [complete with crazy eyes -- Limecrete] over budget". I never get tired of other chefs making fun of Stephen. Dave returns with two hours until opening and gets to work in the dining room. Lee Anne is worried that Stephen's not back yet, and interviews about how doing an ultra-refined dinner service with a time and money limit is sometimes just not possible. Stephen tries to cut his costs at the store by canceling several of his requests. He's burning a lot of time. Miguel and Lee Anne are frustrated.
Commercials. Use Glad trashbags or you're going to be killed by falling debris.
If the subtitles are to be believed, Stephen returns an hour later than Dave. Yipes. He begins putting the dining room together. Miguel interviews that Stephen pays too much attention to the little details, whereas Miguel doesn't pay enough attention to them. I may have added on that last part. KatieBot comes in and introduces tonight's guest judge. His name is Jeffrey Chodorow, and apparently, he's a genius restauranteur and businessman. Several of the chefs recognize him. I've never heard of him, so you'll forgive me if I'm not as impressed as I should be. KatieBot rehashes the entire challenge. Jeffrey tells them that there's actually a prize for winning tonight. The winning chef will accompany him and some other people to the Cannes Film Festival. I have no idea what that has to do with food, but it sounds like a nifty prize nonetheless. Everyone's excited. Dave's doing that shoulder roll thing again. KatieBot makes a bad pun in a failed effort to demonstrate the new sense of humor software she's had installed. The chefs head back to the kitchen.
45 minutes until opening. Lee Anne starts preparing the fish, and finds that it hasn't been scaled. She's mad, and asks Miguel (whom she refers to as "Chunk" - hehehe) if he didn't ask the grocer to scale them. He instantly tries to disavow responsibility for it. I'm sort of with him - maybe it's not odd to assume that the fish would be skinned. Still, if someone has to take the blame for buying unscaled fish, it's going to be the person who, you know, bought it. Lee Anne starts trying to cut the skin off, but time's against her. Stephen interviews that he's moving at a pace beyond 100 miles per hour because he's so short on time. To be fair, he is moving quite quickly...for him. Tom needles him. Shut up, Tom. Dave is in better shape, although he's running around nervously, as always. The people in the kitchen do wrap-up work. Dave and Stephen tack up their ugly, eighth-grade art project menus.
Diners come in. I wonder how these people were chosen. "Hey, you! Want to come in and eat free food? You'll be on TV and everything!" People choose one dining room or the other. Dave explains to some diners that he's seating strangers together so they can get the whole social experience. That alone would probably drive me to the other dining room, but I appreciate that some people don't mind this sort of situation. Stephen begins babbling about wine to two women seated at a table. Normally, that'd be fine (well, kind of), but there's a line of people waiting to be seated that he's ignoring to give his lecture. Unacceptable. Not only that, but he's also ignoring the food that's sitting in the kitchen, waiting to be served. Severely unacceptable. Dave's a lot smoother with his transitions between host duty and serving duty. Stephen just keeps on talking. The diner he's talking to looks like he'd like to stab himself in the eye with a fork, just so he'd have an excuse to leave. Lee Anne threatens to start serving the food herself if Stephen doesn't shake a leg. He's predictably pissed, apparently believing that a helpful poltergeist will serve the food for him.
Dave explains the menu to some diners. A random woman really likes the chicken. Stephen talks about the differences between the two menus again. We really get it now. A random man likes the Spanish food. Another woman is one of those people. Let's see if I can explain this. You know how when you ask a layperson's opinion about a topic that you're an expert on, you're just kind of fishing for their general impressions? Say you were administering a peanut butter taste test. You'd want to hear things like "I like this one better because it's sweeter." "I don't like this one as much, because it's too thick." But if you get one of those people, they'll pretend they have much more specialized knowledge than they really do, and you'll be treated to a thesis on how they can tell this one's not as good because the nuts weren't shelled at the proper temperature, and it's obvious that the salt you used came from the entirely wrong region of Argentina or whatever. So this lady is talking about if the components of the dinner really fit the theme, and blah blah blah. It's roast chicken, lady. Just tell him if you like the seasonings. I salute Dave for not cracking her over the head with a wine bottle. Stephen continues being useless.
The judges seat themselves in the blue team's dining room. Stephen goes into his wine blather. The food sits in the kitchen getting cold. After he finally serves the judges, Tom finds some fish scales in his plate. Rut roh. Stephen reports this back in the kitchen, and Lee Anne is mortified. In the dining room, KatieBot scores her first point ever by saying that Stephen is always trying to educate people about food and wine, but really comes off as arrogant instead. Preach it, robot lady! Tom shrugs it off, because he's a douchebag. After they eat, they move to the red team's dining room. Dave serves them, and is happy about the way they seem to be responding to him and to the food. Jeffrey tells Gail that the blue team took more risks, but the red team served comfort food really well. Dave shoulder rolls. Dude, go to a chiropractor. Surveys are passed out. That lady gabs some more about consistency and gives her friend a hard time about her rating. Shut up, lady. Go be pedantic somewhere else. A nice, normal woman and jolly man in the red team's dining room liked the social interaction aspect of their meal. Stephen lets us know that the blue team served 17 people, while the red team got 13, which will be a factor in the final score. A drag queen liked the blue team's food. Another man didn't like the blue team's service. The chefs freak out in the kitchen.
Commercials. If the people on Celebrity Cruises are as obnoxious as they seem on the commercials, I'll pass.
Judges' table. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I appreciate the apostrophe placement there. Every little bit helps. There are several posters hung up at work right now advertising an upcoming blood drive that read "Walk In's Welcome". Am I supposed to believe that these people are capable of sticking a needle into my vein, when they can't even stick an apostrophe into a sentence? We're told for the seventeen thousandth time about the two separate concepts the teams had. The red team's theme didn't hold up throughout the whole meal. The blue team's patrons had to wait too long between courses. KatieBot goes to call in the teams. She summons the red team first. Stephen pretends he's not nervous. He tells Miguel that their food was "fly". He is not even close to cool enough to be able to pull that off, even ironically. The red team members seat themselves at the table. They are told that they're the winning team. Dave and Tiffani are jubilant. Harold just has a wry smile. Their customer satisfaction rating was a 26/30. I'm guessing the missing four is because of that lady. They high-five each other. KatieBot tells them the food went over well, Dave was an excellent server, and the concept was well-received. That being said, they now have to figure out who gets the prize. Jeffrey asks each of them to explain why they should be the one to win.
Tiffani says that she contributed the name. I realize that you have to toss in everything you think is going to bolster your case, but big fucking deal. She also takes credit for the vegetables, and says that while Harold and Dave both did excellent jobs, she would have done just as well in their positions. Dave shakes his head and does that goddamn shoulder roll some more. KatieBot notes it, and asks for his opinion. He says that his running the front of the house was a big reason why they won, which is true. He adds that Tiffani had the overall vision, but that she can't really expect to be given credit for what all of them achieved. Again true, but this is the time to remember back when Dave said that if the red team lost, it would clearly be Tiffani's fault since she incorporated so many of her ideas into the concept. Now they won, and Tiffani's influence is suddenly no longer valid? Tiffani tries to explain herself, and Dave loses it, yelling at her for interrupting. One could assert that Dave shaking his head during Tiffani's explanation could be construed as an interruption as well, but one won't. And Dave's off. Here he sits at the winner's table a mere one week after the judges told him to keep his emotions in check, and he begins ranting at Tiffani for all the shit she's thrown him over the past 24 hours. Harold's just sitting back and soaking it all in. Heh. Dave continues his tantrum about Tiffani's bossy attitude, and tosses out the "I'm not your bitch, bitch" line that the show's been gleefully pimping since before the season even started. Sorry, but I'm not charmed. Also, he's making out that Tiffani was this enormous tyrant that he was forced to struggle under, but he was completely in charge of the dining room. The decoration, the service, everything. He's got one hell of a nerve acting as if his opinions didn't count for anything. Plus, YOUR TEAM WON. CALM DOWN.
The judges are through listening to him, and ask Harold for his opinion. Harold says that he himself shouldn't be the winner, because all he did was cook. He was competent, but not extraordinary. The judges ask who he would choose to send to Cannes. He gives a very nice little speech about how great it was to work next to Tiffani, and how comfortable he is with her. Then he pulls the rug out from under her (and me, frankly) by choosing Dave, due to the pressure of his dining room duties. Jeffrey agrees, citing service as the number one asset, which means Dave is the winner. It's a fair decision, but I don't think Jeffrey has really paused to consider that he'll be trapped on an airplane with Dave for several hours. I hope he brings headphones along. He's pleased. I roll my eyes, because Dave's such a simp. The red team is dismissed, and asked to send the blue team in. They tell the blue team about Dave's win, and he hugs Lee Anne. Tiffani starts singing "Dave's goin' to Fraaaance!" as if he didn't just call her a bitch forty seconds ago. Weird.
The blue team members seat themselves. I'm nervous because Lee Anne's on the line. Please don't axe my favorite! They're told that the biggest complaint was that the service was too spread out. Stephen actually has the nerve to argue that the customers were satisfied, because they told him so. So I guess KatieBot doctored the surveys just to try to trick him? Twit. She tells him as much, basically saying that just because he believes the customers were satisfied, it doesn't mean they were. Their customer satisfaction rating was 22/30. Stephen continues to knot his own noose by saying that he could have had the food out on time if he weren't so busy giving his educational lectures. Well, EXACTLY. How is that a selling point? Lee Anne is asked what went wrong. She says that she wasn't comfortable with the team she had, which is about the closest Lee Anne's ever come to directly insulting someone. She adds that Miguel didn't know a lot about Spanish cuisine, but was content to sit back and be the sous chef, which is true, according to his earlier interviews. Tom tells him he should have fought for a theme he was more familiar with, and Miguel says he was outvoted. Tom gives him a bunch of crap for taking a secondary role.
But. But. I mean, they're all trying to be top chefs. You can't have three leaders. If all of them approached the task thinking they'd better not back down until their ideas are incorporated, nothing would ever be agreed upon, and nothing would ever get done. If everyone's the boss, then nobody's doing the work. In effect, Miguel's role in this team is the same as Harold's on the other team, and you'll note that Harold wasn't taken to task for it. Tom goes onto say that Lee Anne was in charge of the kitchen, and Stephen was in charge of the house, so Miguel doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. I just don't get this line of reasoning. What was he supposed to be in charge of? And if he really wasn't in charge of something, shouldn't the fact that the blue team lost be an indication that someone who was in charge should be eliminated? Eliminate Miguel because he screwed up the fish purchase. Eliminate Miguel because he's been weak in all challenges for the past two weeks. Eliminate Miguel because he didn't contribute enough work. But this whole routine of criticizing Miguel because he failed to demand authority is dumb. In short, Tom's full of shit as always.
Of course, Miguel then manages to piss away any defensive feelings I may have had for him. Tom brings up the whole fish-scale thing, and Miguel doesn't even attempt to explain it. He just says that he worked hard to create a nice meal, and whatever the judges decide is what they're going to decide. So much for "playing hard", I guess. Tom asks Lee Anne if they should get rid of Miguel. She says that she honestly has yet to be "wowed" by one of Miguel's dishes. Yeeps. Remember back when Miguel looked like such a strong competitor? We're a long way from there. She tries to cushion the blow by offering to buy Miguel a beer once the show is over, and apologizing to him. Aw. Stephen also picks Miguel out as the weak link tonight. I'd actually say that Stephen is the weakest, but the producers probably don't want to eliminate him, because everyone's having too much fun hating him. The blue team is dismissed. Deliberations. Lee Anne is responsible for the overly ambitious concept and poor planning. I realize they have to pin something on Lee Anne, but it's fairly obvious she did the best she could while stuck with teammates who did nothing but drag her down. Can't really criticize her swimming when she's got an anchor tied to each leg. Miguel has settled into a pattern of taking a backseat. Tom says that he even "took a backseat to Andrea, of all people". Yes, because Andrea's so, so horrible. I HATE YOU. I realize that if Top Chef continues into another season, I have no reasonable hope of Tom being replaced, but I could not be more sick of this self-satisfied asshole. Stephen's too wrapped up in his own persona. Funny how the judges don't recognize the same is true of Tom, but whatever.
Commercials. I can't even watch the 30-second spots for Blow Out, so I can't even imagine the seizures that the actual show would induce.
The blue team is called back in. The same criticisms are rehashed. I'm fairly sick of the judges saying "This isn't called Top Sous Chef" or "This isn't called Top Somellier". It's not clever. Stop. The judges have made their final decision. MIGUEL. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Well, I won't lose any sleep over this one. He attempts to be classy on his way out, which would be nice if I hadn't seen any of the other crap he's been pulling for two weeks. He does call himself "Chunk LeFunk", though, which was pretty funny. Lee Anne is typically complimentary in her sorry-to-see-you-go interview. Miguel hugs everyone, even his sworn enemy Tiffani. Blah blah blah opening doors. Blah blah blah passion for cooking. Peace out, Chunk. You'll always have your Fatass Snackmaster Challenge win to look back on with pride.
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on Top Chef: Ted Allen threw a "dinner party". One hopes the guests were informed in advance that they'd be taped. Doesn't that sound like a delightful and relaxing evening? Miguel screwed up royally. Tiffani told the judges that he should be eliminated, then sort of lied about it afterwards. Miguel didn't buy it, and declared war on her. Dave's a big ball of emotions, and was told he needed to keep his crazy jags under control. Andrea was eliminated. No, for real this time. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
San Francisco. At the IHOF, Tiffani rehashes the acrimony at the end of the last challenge, saying that Miguel attacked her for his own professional failures and that he can't handle the truth, even though he asked for it. Smug as she sounds right now, I can't find anything to argue with in that statement. Miguel's ready to play even harder, and blahs about the people who want him gone. He likes to talk about the Ethics of Competition a lot, but I note he tends to forget the little things, like, say...not pouring a bunch of salt into a recipe that calls for sugar. That may fall under that whole competitive vibe he's trying to nurture. Dave wants to earn some confidence by winning a challenge. I'm all for it if it'll mean he'll stop crying and whining all the time. Everyone heads out.
Quickfire. The chefs come into the Kitchen, and I'm displeased to note that instead of a guest judge, Tom is the one standing next to KatieBot. Bleh. Harold describes the incredible spread of ingredients laid out, from condiments to meats to breads. KatieBot tells them that the theme for the week is "business". Tom brags about his culinary accomplishments and blinks a lot. I realize with a small amount of satisfaction that my transition into full-on hating him is now complete. One of Tom's businesses is a sandwich-type place, a branch of which will be opening in San Francisco soon. The Quickfire Challenge will be to create a sandwich. It can be whatever kind of sandwich the chef chooses. KatieBot tells them that the winner of the challenge will not receive immunity. Everyone looks appropriately nonplussed. However, the winner will have their sandwich featured on the menu when the new restaurant opens. Tiffani's jazzed about that. They have thirty minutes to throw the sandwich together, and they're off.
Lee Anne's nervous. Miguel's nervous. Harold wisely interviews that since he's familiar with the menu at this restaurant, he's going to try and create something that will complement it well. Stephen wants to do something brunch-like. Dave disdains the brunch idea. Tiffani tells Dave to watch his bacon, and I catch a glimpse of a tattoo under her sleeve. I wonder what it is. I mean, what the tattoo is of. I do know what a tattoo is. As time winds down, everyone goes into that hysterical preparation mode that happens every week. I always think of sandwiches as such a laid-back kind of food that it's weird to see people in such a tizzy over them. Miguel interviews that he knew the most creative sandwich would win, so he's got the challenge in the bag. Well, let's see about that. Time's up.
Tom starts with Stephen, who calls his creation a "breakfast and lunch sandwich". Huh. If only there were a way to combine the ideas of breakfast and lunch into one short word. He even says he "rises pretty late". God, he's such a pretentious twit. His sandwich is a sunny-side up egg on brioche with ham and cheese. Yawn. Substitute an English muffin for the brioche, and you could get it at McDonald's. Oops, he's not done talking. He's also put on plantains, mango, fennel, lime, olive oil, chili peppers, and good GOD. It's gone from an overly simplistic sandwich to an overly complicated one. By this point, Carmen Miranda could wear this thing on her head. Tom says it's good, and moves on to Dave. He's called his sandwich Grape Ape. Heh. It's grilled sourdough with arugula, mushrooms, bacon, ham and peppers. It's finished off with grape jelly. Huh. I wonder how that would taste on things like ham. Tom likes it, and tells Dave it's nice to see him "going back to his flavors". You can pretty much assume I'm rolling my eyes every time Tom gives "feedback" like that. Tiffani's sandwich is enormous, and is called French toast Toad-in-the-Hole. It's roast beef, cheese, rosemary, and fennel seed. Tom can't get his mouth around it, and Tiffani says she was "literally embarrassed". If I'm ever in charge of the world, nobody will be accepted into a job, a college, or be allowed on television until they can use the word "literally" correctly.
Lee Anne's sandwich is salami and fried egg on foccacia. She's also incorporated sunchokes, which I've never had. They sound good. Tom takes a few bites, and it becomes apparent that she needed to chop the greens, because there's all sorts of stray food clinging to the bread and hanging out of Tom's mouth. Gross. Harold tells Tom about his plan to go for something that's vacant on the menu, but in the same style. It's a grilled sourdough with mortadella, black olive aioli, and dandelion. People cook with dandelions? I learn all sorts of things from this show. Harold interviews that Tom's a pioneer, and that they share a lot of the same philosophies. Ew, I hope that's not true. Miguel has made a vegetarian deconstructed falafel. And by "deconstructed", he means it doesn't resemble a sandwich at all. The falafel is now on the outside instead of the inside, but only on the bottom. It'd be a stretch to even call this an open-faced sandwich. Miguel's supplied a fork and knife, but Tom says he's going to eat it with his hands in fairness to everyone else. Stephen interviews that he has no idea what Miguel was thinking, and that he really needs to think about the challenge's parameters more. That's true, which is really scary coming from Stephen, given what went down in the monkfish challenge. Tom likes the flavors, but Miguel just nods sadly, knowing that he's blown it.
Judging. Tom again tells Dave that he's back on his game, flavor-wise, which really doesn't make any sense, since he was working off of Andrea's recipe last week. Stephen had an ambitious idea, but the flavors were all over the place. Not surprising. Harold's was good, although the grapes on the side would have been better served in the sandwich itself. Miguel would have won, were he to have MADE A SANDWICH. Lee Anne and Tiffani don't get any feedback. Tom has decided on the winner, and it is Harold. He's pleased, but says in an interview that he'd really rather have immunity. Hahahahaha!!!! Take that, Tom! Miguel is delusional about why he lost.
Elimination Challenge. KatieBot tells the chefs that they'll be taken to a raw restaurant space with two separate dining rooms. They'll be split into two teams, and will need to design what their space will look like, in addition to the menus. They'll have $1000 for all of their supplies. Lee Anne is worried about who will wind up on her team - for good reason, as it turns out. Dave pulls red. Tiffani pulls red. Stephen pulls blue. Harold pulls red. That's all we need. Tiffani interviews that the perfect team would have been her, Harold, and Lee Anne, since Dave takes everything way too personally. Lee Anne is in agreement with her, saying that her initial thoughts on her teammates were "Oh God. I'm fucked." Hehehe. Poor Lee Anne. A member of the winning team will win the challenge. A member of the losing team will be sent home. Gee, ya think? Tom tells them to brainstorm on the way to the restaurant.
Commercials. I think one ego-fueled chef show is enough. Get lost, Celebrity Cooking Showdown.
Evening. Wow, I didn't realize it took the chefs seven hours to walk out of the Kitchen and onto the street. In the red team's car, Tiffani tries to head off any potential Dave problems at the pass by saying that all three of them need to recognize that none of the decisions they make are personal. A valiant effort, Tiffani, but I think it's a losing battle. Dave says that Tiffani's headstrong, and needs to listen more. Also probably true. This is just an example of two people who are destined to not get along. It makes me wonder how they worked so well together before. In the blue team's car, Lee Anne asks for ideas about the overall restaurant concept. She and Stephen are both thinking Spain is very cutting-edge as far as what people like these days. Hey, sounds good to me. I love Spanish food. Miguel tries to throw in a bunch of menu ideas, not really getting that Latin America and Spain are not the same thing. He says in an interview that the other two really took charge of ideas, and that he's more at home in the kitchen. Everyone arrives at the restaurant space. Tom tells them that thirty guests will be coming, and they will choose which of the two dining rooms to patronize. They'll be judged on ambiance, teamwork, and of course, food. They look out at their dining areas. It's just two fairly blank rooms at this point.
Tiffani has given their restaurant its name, "American Workshop". Boring. Dave will be in charge of the dining room aspect, while Harold and Tiffani will take care of things in the kitchen. They decide that setting up the room as a family-style communal table will make serving easier. Good idea. Tiffani and Dave complain about each other some more, though Tiffani does laughingly admit that it'd be far worse to have Stephen on her team. Hehehe. The blue team has named their restaurant "Sabor", which is "taste" in Spanish. Lee Anne explains that Stephen will be on dining room duty, while she and Miguel will be in the kitchen. Stephen says that he'll be yapping about wines and such. Oh, will he ever. He also smarmerviews about how Dave's style of cooking is common, while his own is much more refined. He does not deign to explain why that's necessarily to his advantage in this challenge.
Morning. The teams are shopping for food supplies. The blue team will be making a tapas trio, red snapper on paella cake, and olive oil ice cream. Olive oil ice cream? OK. It looks like half of their overall budget can be spent on food. Miguel interviews that the budget is really tight. Lee Anne tries to reign in Stephen's habit of buying a bunch of expensive crap they don't need. The red team shops as well. They're making tuna tartare, roast chicken, fall vegetables, and fruit crisp. Tiffani wants to be methodical in her shopping. I guess that's another pointed dig at Dave. Miguel reports back that the snapper is $7.99 per pound. Lee Anne tells him to pick up seven pounds. He buys it and brings it back to Lee Anne and Stephen. Lee Anne notes that something's wrong, and looks at the receipt. Turns out the fish is not so much $7.99 per pound. More like $17.99 per pound. Miguel does that thing where he apologizes, but not really. Much as Barry did when he drove his car into a tree, his tone implies that this is something that just kind of happened to him, rather than something he did wrong. Lee Anne is furious, and tells him that she wouldn't have ordered that much fish had she known the actual price. She asks him to try and return some of the fish if he can. She interviews that she got put on a team with "the big thinker and the no-thinker". Harsh, but true.
Five hours until opening. Stephen interviews that their menu is fairly intricate. Lee Anne takes charge in the kitchen. Dave starts to cut onions, and Tiffani tells him not to, suggesting a whole onion instead. This is of course another opportunity for Dave to interview that Tiffani's a hardass, and doesn't allow input from others. Gee, I'm starting to get the feeling that Dave and Tiffani have wildly varying styles which interferes with their ability to work together. I know, it's probably nothing. He also says that she's the one who's going to have to take responsibility if they lose. Huh. By that reasoning, she's also the one who should get all the credit if they win, right? More on that later. Lee Anne interviews that while Dave shuttled back and forth from the dining room to the kitchen, Stephen just kind of did his thing in the dining room without really consulting her or Miguel. She should be grateful to be rid of him for a little while. There are a series of shots showing Lee Anne finding fault with a lot of whatever Miguel's doing. He doesn't appreciate the micromanaging. Well, sure. It's not like the second she takes her eye off of him, he'll do something stupid like misinterpret the price of fish by 10 dollars. Oh, wait. Tom checks in, and is typically unhelpful and a waste of both the chefs' and the audience's time.
Dave and Stephen go shopping for dining room supplies, where the other half of the budget will be spent. These are things like flatware, glassware, decorations, etc. Dave has a detailed list of what he needs. Stephen browses the crystal. Lee Anne interviews that Stephen has "champagne tastes on a beer budget". Both teams say that they're putting a lot of faith into the guys doing the shopping, and that there's a lot of pressure on them. Harold is relieved that Dave took it on, recognizing that he would not be good at this aspect of the challenge. Dave whines some more to the camera about Tiffani's bossiness, which doesn't really have anything to do with what he's doing, so I guess he's just venting about things in general. He checks out at just under his $500 limit. Stephen is still shopping. He tells the clerk he'd like to keep the total under $400, and the clerk tells him that the stuff he's already asked for puts him well over $1000. Hehehe. Miguel scores his first point of the episode by interviewing that he and Lee Anne knew that Stephen was going to go "waaaaaaaaaaaay [complete with crazy eyes -- Limecrete] over budget". I never get tired of other chefs making fun of Stephen. Dave returns with two hours until opening and gets to work in the dining room. Lee Anne is worried that Stephen's not back yet, and interviews about how doing an ultra-refined dinner service with a time and money limit is sometimes just not possible. Stephen tries to cut his costs at the store by canceling several of his requests. He's burning a lot of time. Miguel and Lee Anne are frustrated.
Commercials. Use Glad trashbags or you're going to be killed by falling debris.
If the subtitles are to be believed, Stephen returns an hour later than Dave. Yipes. He begins putting the dining room together. Miguel interviews that Stephen pays too much attention to the little details, whereas Miguel doesn't pay enough attention to them. I may have added on that last part. KatieBot comes in and introduces tonight's guest judge. His name is Jeffrey Chodorow, and apparently, he's a genius restauranteur and businessman. Several of the chefs recognize him. I've never heard of him, so you'll forgive me if I'm not as impressed as I should be. KatieBot rehashes the entire challenge. Jeffrey tells them that there's actually a prize for winning tonight. The winning chef will accompany him and some other people to the Cannes Film Festival. I have no idea what that has to do with food, but it sounds like a nifty prize nonetheless. Everyone's excited. Dave's doing that shoulder roll thing again. KatieBot makes a bad pun in a failed effort to demonstrate the new sense of humor software she's had installed. The chefs head back to the kitchen.
45 minutes until opening. Lee Anne starts preparing the fish, and finds that it hasn't been scaled. She's mad, and asks Miguel (whom she refers to as "Chunk" - hehehe) if he didn't ask the grocer to scale them. He instantly tries to disavow responsibility for it. I'm sort of with him - maybe it's not odd to assume that the fish would be skinned. Still, if someone has to take the blame for buying unscaled fish, it's going to be the person who, you know, bought it. Lee Anne starts trying to cut the skin off, but time's against her. Stephen interviews that he's moving at a pace beyond 100 miles per hour because he's so short on time. To be fair, he is moving quite quickly...for him. Tom needles him. Shut up, Tom. Dave is in better shape, although he's running around nervously, as always. The people in the kitchen do wrap-up work. Dave and Stephen tack up their ugly, eighth-grade art project menus.
Diners come in. I wonder how these people were chosen. "Hey, you! Want to come in and eat free food? You'll be on TV and everything!" People choose one dining room or the other. Dave explains to some diners that he's seating strangers together so they can get the whole social experience. That alone would probably drive me to the other dining room, but I appreciate that some people don't mind this sort of situation. Stephen begins babbling about wine to two women seated at a table. Normally, that'd be fine (well, kind of), but there's a line of people waiting to be seated that he's ignoring to give his lecture. Unacceptable. Not only that, but he's also ignoring the food that's sitting in the kitchen, waiting to be served. Severely unacceptable. Dave's a lot smoother with his transitions between host duty and serving duty. Stephen just keeps on talking. The diner he's talking to looks like he'd like to stab himself in the eye with a fork, just so he'd have an excuse to leave. Lee Anne threatens to start serving the food herself if Stephen doesn't shake a leg. He's predictably pissed, apparently believing that a helpful poltergeist will serve the food for him.
Dave explains the menu to some diners. A random woman really likes the chicken. Stephen talks about the differences between the two menus again. We really get it now. A random man likes the Spanish food. Another woman is one of those people. Let's see if I can explain this. You know how when you ask a layperson's opinion about a topic that you're an expert on, you're just kind of fishing for their general impressions? Say you were administering a peanut butter taste test. You'd want to hear things like "I like this one better because it's sweeter." "I don't like this one as much, because it's too thick." But if you get one of those people, they'll pretend they have much more specialized knowledge than they really do, and you'll be treated to a thesis on how they can tell this one's not as good because the nuts weren't shelled at the proper temperature, and it's obvious that the salt you used came from the entirely wrong region of Argentina or whatever. So this lady is talking about if the components of the dinner really fit the theme, and blah blah blah. It's roast chicken, lady. Just tell him if you like the seasonings. I salute Dave for not cracking her over the head with a wine bottle. Stephen continues being useless.
The judges seat themselves in the blue team's dining room. Stephen goes into his wine blather. The food sits in the kitchen getting cold. After he finally serves the judges, Tom finds some fish scales in his plate. Rut roh. Stephen reports this back in the kitchen, and Lee Anne is mortified. In the dining room, KatieBot scores her first point ever by saying that Stephen is always trying to educate people about food and wine, but really comes off as arrogant instead. Preach it, robot lady! Tom shrugs it off, because he's a douchebag. After they eat, they move to the red team's dining room. Dave serves them, and is happy about the way they seem to be responding to him and to the food. Jeffrey tells Gail that the blue team took more risks, but the red team served comfort food really well. Dave shoulder rolls. Dude, go to a chiropractor. Surveys are passed out. That lady gabs some more about consistency and gives her friend a hard time about her rating. Shut up, lady. Go be pedantic somewhere else. A nice, normal woman and jolly man in the red team's dining room liked the social interaction aspect of their meal. Stephen lets us know that the blue team served 17 people, while the red team got 13, which will be a factor in the final score. A drag queen liked the blue team's food. Another man didn't like the blue team's service. The chefs freak out in the kitchen.
Commercials. If the people on Celebrity Cruises are as obnoxious as they seem on the commercials, I'll pass.
Judges' table. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I appreciate the apostrophe placement there. Every little bit helps. There are several posters hung up at work right now advertising an upcoming blood drive that read "Walk In's Welcome". Am I supposed to believe that these people are capable of sticking a needle into my vein, when they can't even stick an apostrophe into a sentence? We're told for the seventeen thousandth time about the two separate concepts the teams had. The red team's theme didn't hold up throughout the whole meal. The blue team's patrons had to wait too long between courses. KatieBot goes to call in the teams. She summons the red team first. Stephen pretends he's not nervous. He tells Miguel that their food was "fly". He is not even close to cool enough to be able to pull that off, even ironically. The red team members seat themselves at the table. They are told that they're the winning team. Dave and Tiffani are jubilant. Harold just has a wry smile. Their customer satisfaction rating was a 26/30. I'm guessing the missing four is because of that lady. They high-five each other. KatieBot tells them the food went over well, Dave was an excellent server, and the concept was well-received. That being said, they now have to figure out who gets the prize. Jeffrey asks each of them to explain why they should be the one to win.
Tiffani says that she contributed the name. I realize that you have to toss in everything you think is going to bolster your case, but big fucking deal. She also takes credit for the vegetables, and says that while Harold and Dave both did excellent jobs, she would have done just as well in their positions. Dave shakes his head and does that goddamn shoulder roll some more. KatieBot notes it, and asks for his opinion. He says that his running the front of the house was a big reason why they won, which is true. He adds that Tiffani had the overall vision, but that she can't really expect to be given credit for what all of them achieved. Again true, but this is the time to remember back when Dave said that if the red team lost, it would clearly be Tiffani's fault since she incorporated so many of her ideas into the concept. Now they won, and Tiffani's influence is suddenly no longer valid? Tiffani tries to explain herself, and Dave loses it, yelling at her for interrupting. One could assert that Dave shaking his head during Tiffani's explanation could be construed as an interruption as well, but one won't. And Dave's off. Here he sits at the winner's table a mere one week after the judges told him to keep his emotions in check, and he begins ranting at Tiffani for all the shit she's thrown him over the past 24 hours. Harold's just sitting back and soaking it all in. Heh. Dave continues his tantrum about Tiffani's bossy attitude, and tosses out the "I'm not your bitch, bitch" line that the show's been gleefully pimping since before the season even started. Sorry, but I'm not charmed. Also, he's making out that Tiffani was this enormous tyrant that he was forced to struggle under, but he was completely in charge of the dining room. The decoration, the service, everything. He's got one hell of a nerve acting as if his opinions didn't count for anything. Plus, YOUR TEAM WON. CALM DOWN.
The judges are through listening to him, and ask Harold for his opinion. Harold says that he himself shouldn't be the winner, because all he did was cook. He was competent, but not extraordinary. The judges ask who he would choose to send to Cannes. He gives a very nice little speech about how great it was to work next to Tiffani, and how comfortable he is with her. Then he pulls the rug out from under her (and me, frankly) by choosing Dave, due to the pressure of his dining room duties. Jeffrey agrees, citing service as the number one asset, which means Dave is the winner. It's a fair decision, but I don't think Jeffrey has really paused to consider that he'll be trapped on an airplane with Dave for several hours. I hope he brings headphones along. He's pleased. I roll my eyes, because Dave's such a simp. The red team is dismissed, and asked to send the blue team in. They tell the blue team about Dave's win, and he hugs Lee Anne. Tiffani starts singing "Dave's goin' to Fraaaance!" as if he didn't just call her a bitch forty seconds ago. Weird.
The blue team members seat themselves. I'm nervous because Lee Anne's on the line. Please don't axe my favorite! They're told that the biggest complaint was that the service was too spread out. Stephen actually has the nerve to argue that the customers were satisfied, because they told him so. So I guess KatieBot doctored the surveys just to try to trick him? Twit. She tells him as much, basically saying that just because he believes the customers were satisfied, it doesn't mean they were. Their customer satisfaction rating was 22/30. Stephen continues to knot his own noose by saying that he could have had the food out on time if he weren't so busy giving his educational lectures. Well, EXACTLY. How is that a selling point? Lee Anne is asked what went wrong. She says that she wasn't comfortable with the team she had, which is about the closest Lee Anne's ever come to directly insulting someone. She adds that Miguel didn't know a lot about Spanish cuisine, but was content to sit back and be the sous chef, which is true, according to his earlier interviews. Tom tells him he should have fought for a theme he was more familiar with, and Miguel says he was outvoted. Tom gives him a bunch of crap for taking a secondary role.
But. But. I mean, they're all trying to be top chefs. You can't have three leaders. If all of them approached the task thinking they'd better not back down until their ideas are incorporated, nothing would ever be agreed upon, and nothing would ever get done. If everyone's the boss, then nobody's doing the work. In effect, Miguel's role in this team is the same as Harold's on the other team, and you'll note that Harold wasn't taken to task for it. Tom goes onto say that Lee Anne was in charge of the kitchen, and Stephen was in charge of the house, so Miguel doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. I just don't get this line of reasoning. What was he supposed to be in charge of? And if he really wasn't in charge of something, shouldn't the fact that the blue team lost be an indication that someone who was in charge should be eliminated? Eliminate Miguel because he screwed up the fish purchase. Eliminate Miguel because he's been weak in all challenges for the past two weeks. Eliminate Miguel because he didn't contribute enough work. But this whole routine of criticizing Miguel because he failed to demand authority is dumb. In short, Tom's full of shit as always.
Of course, Miguel then manages to piss away any defensive feelings I may have had for him. Tom brings up the whole fish-scale thing, and Miguel doesn't even attempt to explain it. He just says that he worked hard to create a nice meal, and whatever the judges decide is what they're going to decide. So much for "playing hard", I guess. Tom asks Lee Anne if they should get rid of Miguel. She says that she honestly has yet to be "wowed" by one of Miguel's dishes. Yeeps. Remember back when Miguel looked like such a strong competitor? We're a long way from there. She tries to cushion the blow by offering to buy Miguel a beer once the show is over, and apologizing to him. Aw. Stephen also picks Miguel out as the weak link tonight. I'd actually say that Stephen is the weakest, but the producers probably don't want to eliminate him, because everyone's having too much fun hating him. The blue team is dismissed. Deliberations. Lee Anne is responsible for the overly ambitious concept and poor planning. I realize they have to pin something on Lee Anne, but it's fairly obvious she did the best she could while stuck with teammates who did nothing but drag her down. Can't really criticize her swimming when she's got an anchor tied to each leg. Miguel has settled into a pattern of taking a backseat. Tom says that he even "took a backseat to Andrea, of all people". Yes, because Andrea's so, so horrible. I HATE YOU. I realize that if Top Chef continues into another season, I have no reasonable hope of Tom being replaced, but I could not be more sick of this self-satisfied asshole. Stephen's too wrapped up in his own persona. Funny how the judges don't recognize the same is true of Tom, but whatever.
Commercials. I can't even watch the 30-second spots for Blow Out, so I can't even imagine the seizures that the actual show would induce.
The blue team is called back in. The same criticisms are rehashed. I'm fairly sick of the judges saying "This isn't called Top Sous Chef" or "This isn't called Top Somellier". It's not clever. Stop. The judges have made their final decision. MIGUEL. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Well, I won't lose any sleep over this one. He attempts to be classy on his way out, which would be nice if I hadn't seen any of the other crap he's been pulling for two weeks. He does call himself "Chunk LeFunk", though, which was pretty funny. Lee Anne is typically complimentary in her sorry-to-see-you-go interview. Miguel hugs everyone, even his sworn enemy Tiffani. Blah blah blah opening doors. Blah blah blah passion for cooking. Peace out, Chunk. You'll always have your Fatass Snackmaster Challenge win to look back on with pride.
Overall Grade: C+
Monday, April 24, 2006
Here Comes the Bedouin
The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 8
Previously on The Amazing Race: Six teams finally left Sicily behind, and headed for Athens, Greece. Lake and Michelle had a series of nasty fights, capped by Lake calling the woman he vowed to love and honor till death do they part a bitch in front of millions of viewers. Aw, don't you wish you could attend their anniversary parties? I'm sure you'd be able to eat whatever food you caught in the ensuing melee. The Tools grabbed the Fast Forward, which made MoJo crabby. Ray enjoyed his bungee jump. Fran...didn't. The Hippies got lost, but Lake and Michelle got even more lost. In more ways than one. The bickering couple came in last, and we were all put out of our collective misery. Five teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Funny how I can remember what John and Scott's dogs look like from week to week, but would be hard pressed to pick Scott out of a lineup.
Southern Greece. Phil's usual opening blather. The Tools depart the mat first at 11:54 PM. Their clue tells them to fly to Muscat, Oman. Cool! Not that I don't love seeing Italy and Brazil and Greece and everything, but it'll be nice to see a country that Americans are less familiar with. Once in Muscat, teams have to find a sculpture of a giant incense burner for their next clue. Happily, the clue also tells them to cross the nearby bridge on foot and sign up for one of two charter busses that will take them to the airport. There goes that huge lead the Tools just built up. Aces. As they sign up for their 9 AM bus, the Tools brag in an interview about how much better they are than other teams. While I appreciate their tempting Fate to kick their asses, I do have to admit that their bragging is somewhat justified. There. I tried to be objective. You all saw me!
MoJo leaves the mat at 4:31 AM. Joseph doesn't appreciate that the other teams have better luck than him and Monica. I'll remind you that they're leaving in second place, so maybe he'd better hold off on the "poor us" speech. Monica agrees by saying that they need to make their own destiny, rather than relying on luck. Yes, why trust to luck when there's destiny around? Ray and Yolanda, the last remaining team without a nickname, departs the mat at 4:41 AM. This is odd. They start off having a completely normal, rational discussion about whether the bridge that they see is the one that they need to cross to get to the charter bus sign-in. Yolanda interviews that she and Ray often rib each other a lot, but sometimes the ribbing crosses over into actual insults. Ray says that they need to find the "damn" bridge, and Yolanda takes this as him cursing her out. It was really pretty mild, but it sparks off an actual spat. When she's not looking, Ray shoots her the finger. Yolanda has scary girl powers, though, so she sees him with the eyes in the back of her head. They continue sniping, though neither one of them ever raises their voice. I mean, they're fighting, but they're not FIGHTING.
MoJo signs up for the bus. Ray and Yolanda sign up. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 6:20 AM. Fran pronounces Oman "OH-mun". She says that Frankenberry doesn't have a lot of speed, but they've got endurance. I'd agree with that. They cross the bridge and sign up for the bus. The Hippies leave the mat at 8:51 AM. Yowza. Tyler talks about how they've been given a second chance at the race. Yes, and your third chance will be next week. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. They begin to cross the bridge. Bus #1 leaves. It crosses the bridge going the other way, so Fran tells everyone that they'll probably see the Hippies crossing. They do, in fact, see them, and the Tools hoot and holler (though the Hippies can't hear them). Fran, somewhat of a Tool herself, joins the laugh at the Hippies' expense. The Hippies sign up for a bus that leaves an hour behind the first one. Tyler compliments BJ on his hustle. I have to say that after playing on a kickball team and a softball team, if I never hear the word "hustle" again, it'll be too soon. They board their bus.
The lead teams arrive at the airport in Athens. Frankenberry heads for the information desk. They find a flight on Gulf Air that connects through Bahrain, and arrives in Oman at 10:50 PM. Barry wants to book the flight right there, but the woman's like "Hi, this is the information counter. Not so much with the selling tickets." That was taken out of my Polite Serviceperson to Thoughts Going Through Polite Serviceperson's Head dictionary. As they leave to go to the Gulf Air counter, they see other teams and say "Oh, no." Um. Did you think you lost them between the bus you all just got off and the information counter? Barry snits that they're not going to share the information they just got. Because there's certainly no other source of flight information at the airport than Barry. His brilliant plan falls through when everyone just kind of follows them to the ticket counter.
Meanwhile, BJ says that all the ghosts of the eliminated teams are with them on the bus. He does an absolutely hilarious impression of Lake pressuring them about sharing flight information. He then moves on to talk about Dave and Lori, and the editors sneak in the Happy Tootling Nerd Music. Finally, he makes fun of Double D by pretending they'd think Oman is in China. Hehehe. Awesome scene. What's weird is that when they arrive at the airport, everyone else is still in line. Surely they haven't been trying to purchase tickets for an hour. Joseph becomes the second doofus to not want others to find out about the flight. Seriously, you twits. Stop expending energy on trying to form some sort of flight information cover-up. It's not going to work. Of course, this scene does remind me of the time Rob "tricked" the other teams with "false" flight information, and the whole thing blew up in his face, and that makes me happy all over. The Hippies aren't able to get on the Gulf Air flight, so they book one on Qatar Air that arrives at 11:45 PM. Heh. Now I'm reminded of that Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode where Pearl agrees to become overlord of Qatar, and says that her first act will be to "get those losers a U". My brain is all over the place today. Anyway, the Hippies don't seem too put out, probably because they know the next task is unlikely to be open in the middle of the night. The planes take off.
Muscat, Oman. The establishing shots are really pretty. The first flight lands. I guess I missed the part where the teams were told they'd be provided with cars, but they are. Everyone starts making their way to the incense-burner sculpture. The Tools marvel at how cool Muscat looks. It really does. Flight #2 lands, and the Hippies pick up a Fern to get to the incense burner. I see a hand in the back. Fern? A "Fern" is a local that agrees to assist a team by leading them to a destination, helping out with a task, etc. It's called that because the original Fern was named...well...Fern. The terminology comes from Television Without Pity's recaps, which used to be really good before the recapper got all burnt-out and bitter. Now they're just kind of tiresome. Anyhow, the Hippies' Fern leads them out of the airport. The Tools are first to the incense burner, which looks like a giant chalice with Nilla Wafers sticking out of it. And lo and behold, the gates don't open until 6 AM. The Tools have the gall to be pissily surprised, as if hours of operation haven't been equalizing teams since forever. So everyone, including the Hippies, catches up. They thank their Fern. As everyone waits for the gates to open, Yolanda picks up the fight from before. I love Yolanda, but Ray said one indirect "damn" and shot her one finger. How many hours later is it now? It's time to let it go. I think race fatigue is setting in for them. They interview separately about how they need to work on communication and such.
Commercials. I think I'm going to go contract some horrible ailment so that I can then get the treatment, which will apparently allow me the money and time to go sailing, horseback riding on the beach, and floating around in hot air balloons.
Morning. The gates open, and everyone runs in. They rip the clue, and it tells them to drive 135 miles to the town of Sur. Once there, they have to find a particular ferry crossing where the next clue box will be located. Everyone tears out of there. The Tools are in the lead, and note that everyone's following them, despite not having any idea where they're going. Ray and Yolanda continue arguing. Did Lake and Michelle do some sort of voodoo ritual to possess Ray and Yolanda with their spirits so they could continue racing? The Hippies follow MoJo, which Monica notes by calling them "buttheads". Ooh, harsh! She's also mad that while she was getting directions, the Hippies passed them. So which is it, Monica? Are you angry that the Hippies are in front of you, or are you angry that they're behind you? Can't really have it both ways. Frankenberry pulls out their mad phat map skillz, and pass the Tools, who have stopped for directions. Ray and Yolanda are having direction issues too.
Monica, who was pissed that the Hippies were following them, is now following the Hippies. Nice flexible sense of morality she's got there. The Hippies and MoJo come upon a flooded section that they must drive through. A tiny, muscular local runs out into the flood and directs the drivers through. Heh, awesome. They thank him. He does the same for Frankenberry and the Tools. Ray and Yolanda have fallen behind. The Hippies come upon an even bigger flood. It's almost a small river. They think they should let someone else attempt to go through first. MoJo pulls up next to them. Both teams egg each other on, hoping that they'll go first and get stuck in the mud or something. Frankenberry pulls up behind them. The Tools spot the water from a distance, scoff at the chicken teams, and just plunge in. That water is really deep. It almost comes up over the hood of the car. The Hippies hope the Tools get stuck, but they don't, so they're back in the lead. Seeing them succeed finally goads the other teams into driving through. Monica's next line has to be quoted verbatim: "Eric and Jeremy sometimes just want to be first so bad that they just cut in front of lines."
Huh? HUH? Now, I think there's ample evidence that I'm not the Tools' number one fan. But there is absolutely not one single thing wrong with what they just did. First of all, "line"? You're not at Walgreen's picking up mascara. This isn't turn-based. Secondly, maybe there wouldn't be a "line" if MoJo had had the balls to drive into the water when they got to it, instead of hemming and hawing over it. Thirdly, she's getting all up in arms because Eric and Jeremy want to beat them. Yeah, it's almost as if this were some kind of race, and you guys were in direct competition with one another! Weird! I do not know what is coursing through whatever random components make up Monica's "mind", but she needs a nice tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up.
Ray and Yolanda are led through the first flood by the lithe little man, and make it through the second one without having a big tantrum about the mean teams that have the nerve to be in front of them. In Sur, MoJo passes Eric and Jeremy, who have stopped for directions to the ferry. Monica fails to hate herself, so that's two for two on the things that other people aren't allowed to do, but she is. MoJo is first to the clue box. Detour! Camel or Watchtower. In Camel, teams use a pulley to load a camel into a pickup truck. Then they drive the truck one mile to a Bedouin camp, using a hand-drawn map with some landmarks on it. They then exchange the camel for their next clue. In Watchtower, teams are accosted by aggressive Mormons who try to convert them. Teams that can hold fast to their original religion get their next clue. Kidding! I've been watching too much Big Love. In Watchtower, teams go to one of the nearby watchtowers (there are three), and look for a scroll on a pillow. The trick is that one of the watchtowers has three scrolls, one has two, and one has none, so it does make a difference which one the teams search. Once they've got a scroll, they must travel one mile to a gold and silver shop and exchange it for the next clue.
All three lead teams (MoJo, Frankenberry, and the Hippies) go for Watchtower. The Tools pull up next, and opt for Camel. Everyone shares a ferry over, then splits up. Frankenberry decides to follow the Hippies to their watchtower, while MoJo heads for the closer one. There are mountain goats baaaaa-ing away on the cliffs nearby. As the Tools load their camel, it makes all sorts of hilarious noises in protest. It's sort of Chewbacca-ish. The watchtower that MoJo enters is the one with zero scrolls. Reeeeee-ohhhhhhh! That's a foghorn noise, by the way. The Hippies find the one with two scrolls, so Frankenberry's good to go as well. They grab the ferry back. MoJo decides they don't want to make their way to another watchtower, so they're going to switch to Camel. The Tools load their camel. It looks like Eric hasn't raised it enough for Jeremy to pull the truck in under it, so they nick its legs. Ouch! He looks okay, but that made me wince. They leave for the Bedouin camp. The Hippies and Frankenberry find someone to help them find the gold/silver shop. For no reason, BJ shows the camera a sketch of a camel he's done. I only bring it up because it's a really good sketch. I can't even draw stick people. MoJo loads their camel, which is making those noises of unhappiness. Aw.
The Tools make a turn onto a dirt path. Frankenberry arrives at the shop and gets their clue. It tells them to drive to the village of Al Hawiyah. Once there, they walk across some sandy field surrounded by date palms to find their next clue. The shopkeeper shows off his wicked knife to the Hippies before handing over the clue. Heh. MoJo finishes loading their camel and leaves for the Bedouin camp. The Tools are just now discovering that they're not where they need to be. They think everyone will have a lot of trouble finding the camp, which is of course our cue to check in with MoJo, who easily finds it. They get their Al Hawiyah clue. They wish they'd taken the camel first, and blame the watchtower mistake on bad luck. I mean, yeah, it was bad luck that the one they chose to search didn't contain a clue, but that's kind of the whole point of the Detour. If every tower had clues, there really wouldn't be any cons involved with that choice. They just seem to pawn every choice they make that doesn't pan out off on bad luck, which is a little...what's the word? Convenient? The Tools are still lost. They call themselves idiots. I nod. The camel looks nonplussed.
Commercials. Local newscaster Vickie Newton is turning forty. Let's all take time to care.
The Tools finally find the Bedouin camp. Ray and Yolanda (whom the Tools spot and pronounce to rhyme with "Joe Panda" for some reason) finally reach the Detour, and choose Camel. They get started, and Yolanda comforts another unhappy camel. Aw. She tells us he doesn't smell as bad as she figured he would. Well, that's a nice silver lining. They don't appear to have any problems finding the Bedouin camp. They know they're in last place, but Ray keeps a positive outlook. Up at the sand dunes in Al Hawiyah, Frankenberry spots the clue box. Hey, they didn't drive or walk past it a million times! Progress! They and the Hippies get their clue at the same time. Roadblock! "Who's willing to work for food?" Well, that's vague. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to dig through 117 sand dunes to find some shuwa: spiced lamb wrapped in a dried palm weave mat. The space that's dug underground for it acts as a natural oven. Neat. Not only do the teams need to retrieve the shuwa for their next clue - it will also be their dinner that evening. BJ takes on the Roadblock, as does Barry. More camels stand around looking bored. The Roadblockers get digging. Fran comments on the heat.
MoJo approaches Al Hawiyah. Joseph is reading something out while Monica sings the name of the town. He asks her not to be annoying. I think you're about 40 minutes too late on that one, Joseph. They reach the clue box, and Monica takes the Roadblock. Tyler and Fran cheer on their teammates, Tyler by shouting encouragement and Fran by complaining about the heat. Yeah, well, you're not the one digging through mounds of sand, lady, so stow it. Monica threatens to get even with Joseph for "making her" do the Roadblock. I regret giving away my "stow it" to Fran when there are other much more deserving people present. There's a shot of a grimacing Monica with her teeth sticking out. The very next shot is one of a grimacing camel with its teeth sticking out. Oh, snap!!!! Blood Ray and I had to rewind a couple of times to soak up all the hilarity of that moment. In fact, I was discussing the episode over the phone with Gnat the next day, and she mentioned that she didn't catch this bit.
Limecrete: "Well, I'll have to show you the camel shot. It was priceless."
Gnat: "I really suggest you don't say things like that out loud at work anymore."
The Tools arrive at the Roadblock, and Eric takes it on. Why are all these people wearing long pants? Whatever. More camels complain. Barry is the first of the Roadblockers to find his shuwa. I love typing sentences I'll never need to use again for the remainder of my life. Monica finds one soon after. She says she needs to be careful digging so that the dirt (read: sand) doesn't collapse onto their meat. Smash cut to Barry not being careful, and the sand collapsing onto their meat. Heh. Another camel complains. Fran gets a face like "The fuck?", then grins. Aw. Back in Ray and Yolanda's car, Yolanda still won't let the cussing thing go. Seriously, woman. At this point, you're beyond over-focused and bordering on unattractive. Monica extracts her bag, which Fran helpfully notes by yelling "She's got it, Baaaar!!!!!". MoJo rips the clue, which directs them to the next pitstop - Jabreen Castle, which is 150 miles away. It's gorgeous. MoJo takes off, jabbering about how they can finally come in first. Tyler yells to BJ that after this, it's the pitstop, but BJ is beyond caring about anything. Yeah, this does look like one of the more punishing Roadblocks.
Barry pulls his bag up and gets the clue. He walks slowly over to Fran, who snips at him to "get [her] out of here". Yeah, it must have been hard for you to stand around yelling while Barry pawed through mountains of sand, sweating his skin off. Bitch. She's more conciliatory once they get going. OK, I take back the "bitch" comment. Tyler continues yelling encouragement to BJ, who doesn't want to hear it anymore. Eric finds his shuwa. Jeremy tells him if he hurries, they can still get first place. Heh. Hehehehe. Hahahahaha!!!! Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself again. As they leave, Ray and Yolanda drive in. Yolanda takes the Roadblock. Tyler complains to Ray about how they were the first ones there, and now have been passed by everyone. Ray attempts to look sympathetic, but he's got to be thinking "Oh, I'll show you 'passed by everyone'". BJ is exhausted, snaps at Tyler, and is beginning to complain about how Tyler gets to do all the cool Roadblocks. Whuh oh. That's not a good headspace to be in. Tyler asks him if he's missed any mounds. BJ snarks back that he's missed the ones he hasn't dug out yet. Yolanda whispers "You tell him, BJ" to herself. Hee. But she's not done. Ray tells her to get a pattern going and she whispers "Your momma got a pattern goin'." Hahahaha. Then she makes a face at him behind her shovel that Blood Ray insisted on rewinding to and taking a picture of with his phone.
She manages to find her shuwa next. Ouch. She gently tells BJ she's got one, and not to give up. Aw. She and Ray take off for the pit stop. Tyler laments quietly to the camera that it's hard to watch BJ struggle like this. No doubt.
Commercials. I know Jon Lovtiz's schtick should be officially old, but I still find him really funny. It must have something to do with my beloved Critic DVDs.
The Hippies have been at the Roadblock for so long, even the camels have given up complaining and have laid down for a nice rest. A minute or two later, and BJ finally finds his shuwa. He's completely drained. Tyler is proud of him. I agree with Gnat that he really did a good job of being encouraging when BJ needed it, and shutting his trap when BJ needed that. They hug, and head for the pitstop. Meanwhile, MoJo tries to figure out where they're going, but Fran seems to know exactly where the castle is. The Tools take another left onto another dirt road, just as when they got lost during the Detour. They say it's a shortcut. Sure. You've already amply proven how great you are at getting around Oman. Yolanda tells Ray what town they're heading to, and when he asks if she's sure, she bites his head off again. Lady, come on. In the Hippie car, BJ looks extremely depressed. Tyler tries to keep his spirits up. There's a lot of intercutting between MoJo and Frankenberry to see who will get to Nizwa (the town where the castle is located) first. MoJo takes a wrong turn. No doubt that it's because of their "bad luck". They get directions from some helpful bystanders. Too late, though, because Frankenberry - FRANKENBERRY - comes into the pitstop in first place. The look on Phil's face is phenomenal. They win a trip to Rome. Hopefully they can stay there for more than three minutes.
Darkness falls. Geez, how lost did MoJo get? They check in as team number two. They're unhappy, and for once I can understand why a second place team would be sour about it. Even darker darkness falls. The Tools' "shortcut" has led them into the middle of nowhere. Ha! Eric convinces himself that other teams are having as much trouble as they are. The editors never tire of that opportunity, so we cut directly to Ray and Yolanda, having no trouble at all. They're team number three. They're happy about their placement, but upset that they've been fighting for two days, and are obviously not in the best of moods as they check in. They hope they can pull themselves together.
Limecrete: "Now they'll go and have really angry, unsatisfying sex."
-The next shot is of the Tools in their car-
Blood Ray: "So will they."
The Tools decide to turn around. The Hippies head for Nizwa. Both teams know that anything can happen to other teams. And coming into the pitstop is...the Tools. Bleh. Unsurprising, but bleh. They're team number four. The Hippies reach the castle, and make a mistake by not putting on all their clothes. I mean, sure it'll look ridiculous, but you have to plan for these things. And of course by "these things", I mean a non-elimination point, which we see our first of tonight. The Hippies are still in the race, but Phil takes all of their money and possessions, including the clothes they're not wearing, and they won't receive any money at the start of the next leg. They are determined to claw their way back. If it means them passing the Tools, I'm all for it.
Next week on The Amazing Race: My VCR skips a beat, so all I know is that they're going somewhere with a sandy beach, and Joseph is finally tired of Monica's shit.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on The Amazing Race: Six teams finally left Sicily behind, and headed for Athens, Greece. Lake and Michelle had a series of nasty fights, capped by Lake calling the woman he vowed to love and honor till death do they part a bitch in front of millions of viewers. Aw, don't you wish you could attend their anniversary parties? I'm sure you'd be able to eat whatever food you caught in the ensuing melee. The Tools grabbed the Fast Forward, which made MoJo crabby. Ray enjoyed his bungee jump. Fran...didn't. The Hippies got lost, but Lake and Michelle got even more lost. In more ways than one. The bickering couple came in last, and we were all put out of our collective misery. Five teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Funny how I can remember what John and Scott's dogs look like from week to week, but would be hard pressed to pick Scott out of a lineup.
Southern Greece. Phil's usual opening blather. The Tools depart the mat first at 11:54 PM. Their clue tells them to fly to Muscat, Oman. Cool! Not that I don't love seeing Italy and Brazil and Greece and everything, but it'll be nice to see a country that Americans are less familiar with. Once in Muscat, teams have to find a sculpture of a giant incense burner for their next clue. Happily, the clue also tells them to cross the nearby bridge on foot and sign up for one of two charter busses that will take them to the airport. There goes that huge lead the Tools just built up. Aces. As they sign up for their 9 AM bus, the Tools brag in an interview about how much better they are than other teams. While I appreciate their tempting Fate to kick their asses, I do have to admit that their bragging is somewhat justified. There. I tried to be objective. You all saw me!
MoJo leaves the mat at 4:31 AM. Joseph doesn't appreciate that the other teams have better luck than him and Monica. I'll remind you that they're leaving in second place, so maybe he'd better hold off on the "poor us" speech. Monica agrees by saying that they need to make their own destiny, rather than relying on luck. Yes, why trust to luck when there's destiny around? Ray and Yolanda, the last remaining team without a nickname, departs the mat at 4:41 AM. This is odd. They start off having a completely normal, rational discussion about whether the bridge that they see is the one that they need to cross to get to the charter bus sign-in. Yolanda interviews that she and Ray often rib each other a lot, but sometimes the ribbing crosses over into actual insults. Ray says that they need to find the "damn" bridge, and Yolanda takes this as him cursing her out. It was really pretty mild, but it sparks off an actual spat. When she's not looking, Ray shoots her the finger. Yolanda has scary girl powers, though, so she sees him with the eyes in the back of her head. They continue sniping, though neither one of them ever raises their voice. I mean, they're fighting, but they're not FIGHTING.
MoJo signs up for the bus. Ray and Yolanda sign up. Frankenberry leaves the mat at 6:20 AM. Fran pronounces Oman "OH-mun". She says that Frankenberry doesn't have a lot of speed, but they've got endurance. I'd agree with that. They cross the bridge and sign up for the bus. The Hippies leave the mat at 8:51 AM. Yowza. Tyler talks about how they've been given a second chance at the race. Yes, and your third chance will be next week. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. They begin to cross the bridge. Bus #1 leaves. It crosses the bridge going the other way, so Fran tells everyone that they'll probably see the Hippies crossing. They do, in fact, see them, and the Tools hoot and holler (though the Hippies can't hear them). Fran, somewhat of a Tool herself, joins the laugh at the Hippies' expense. The Hippies sign up for a bus that leaves an hour behind the first one. Tyler compliments BJ on his hustle. I have to say that after playing on a kickball team and a softball team, if I never hear the word "hustle" again, it'll be too soon. They board their bus.
The lead teams arrive at the airport in Athens. Frankenberry heads for the information desk. They find a flight on Gulf Air that connects through Bahrain, and arrives in Oman at 10:50 PM. Barry wants to book the flight right there, but the woman's like "Hi, this is the information counter. Not so much with the selling tickets." That was taken out of my Polite Serviceperson to Thoughts Going Through Polite Serviceperson's Head dictionary. As they leave to go to the Gulf Air counter, they see other teams and say "Oh, no." Um. Did you think you lost them between the bus you all just got off and the information counter? Barry snits that they're not going to share the information they just got. Because there's certainly no other source of flight information at the airport than Barry. His brilliant plan falls through when everyone just kind of follows them to the ticket counter.
Meanwhile, BJ says that all the ghosts of the eliminated teams are with them on the bus. He does an absolutely hilarious impression of Lake pressuring them about sharing flight information. He then moves on to talk about Dave and Lori, and the editors sneak in the Happy Tootling Nerd Music. Finally, he makes fun of Double D by pretending they'd think Oman is in China. Hehehe. Awesome scene. What's weird is that when they arrive at the airport, everyone else is still in line. Surely they haven't been trying to purchase tickets for an hour. Joseph becomes the second doofus to not want others to find out about the flight. Seriously, you twits. Stop expending energy on trying to form some sort of flight information cover-up. It's not going to work. Of course, this scene does remind me of the time Rob "tricked" the other teams with "false" flight information, and the whole thing blew up in his face, and that makes me happy all over. The Hippies aren't able to get on the Gulf Air flight, so they book one on Qatar Air that arrives at 11:45 PM. Heh. Now I'm reminded of that Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode where Pearl agrees to become overlord of Qatar, and says that her first act will be to "get those losers a U". My brain is all over the place today. Anyway, the Hippies don't seem too put out, probably because they know the next task is unlikely to be open in the middle of the night. The planes take off.
Muscat, Oman. The establishing shots are really pretty. The first flight lands. I guess I missed the part where the teams were told they'd be provided with cars, but they are. Everyone starts making their way to the incense-burner sculpture. The Tools marvel at how cool Muscat looks. It really does. Flight #2 lands, and the Hippies pick up a Fern to get to the incense burner. I see a hand in the back. Fern? A "Fern" is a local that agrees to assist a team by leading them to a destination, helping out with a task, etc. It's called that because the original Fern was named...well...Fern. The terminology comes from Television Without Pity's recaps, which used to be really good before the recapper got all burnt-out and bitter. Now they're just kind of tiresome. Anyhow, the Hippies' Fern leads them out of the airport. The Tools are first to the incense burner, which looks like a giant chalice with Nilla Wafers sticking out of it. And lo and behold, the gates don't open until 6 AM. The Tools have the gall to be pissily surprised, as if hours of operation haven't been equalizing teams since forever. So everyone, including the Hippies, catches up. They thank their Fern. As everyone waits for the gates to open, Yolanda picks up the fight from before. I love Yolanda, but Ray said one indirect "damn" and shot her one finger. How many hours later is it now? It's time to let it go. I think race fatigue is setting in for them. They interview separately about how they need to work on communication and such.
Commercials. I think I'm going to go contract some horrible ailment so that I can then get the treatment, which will apparently allow me the money and time to go sailing, horseback riding on the beach, and floating around in hot air balloons.
Morning. The gates open, and everyone runs in. They rip the clue, and it tells them to drive 135 miles to the town of Sur. Once there, they have to find a particular ferry crossing where the next clue box will be located. Everyone tears out of there. The Tools are in the lead, and note that everyone's following them, despite not having any idea where they're going. Ray and Yolanda continue arguing. Did Lake and Michelle do some sort of voodoo ritual to possess Ray and Yolanda with their spirits so they could continue racing? The Hippies follow MoJo, which Monica notes by calling them "buttheads". Ooh, harsh! She's also mad that while she was getting directions, the Hippies passed them. So which is it, Monica? Are you angry that the Hippies are in front of you, or are you angry that they're behind you? Can't really have it both ways. Frankenberry pulls out their mad phat map skillz, and pass the Tools, who have stopped for directions. Ray and Yolanda are having direction issues too.
Monica, who was pissed that the Hippies were following them, is now following the Hippies. Nice flexible sense of morality she's got there. The Hippies and MoJo come upon a flooded section that they must drive through. A tiny, muscular local runs out into the flood and directs the drivers through. Heh, awesome. They thank him. He does the same for Frankenberry and the Tools. Ray and Yolanda have fallen behind. The Hippies come upon an even bigger flood. It's almost a small river. They think they should let someone else attempt to go through first. MoJo pulls up next to them. Both teams egg each other on, hoping that they'll go first and get stuck in the mud or something. Frankenberry pulls up behind them. The Tools spot the water from a distance, scoff at the chicken teams, and just plunge in. That water is really deep. It almost comes up over the hood of the car. The Hippies hope the Tools get stuck, but they don't, so they're back in the lead. Seeing them succeed finally goads the other teams into driving through. Monica's next line has to be quoted verbatim: "Eric and Jeremy sometimes just want to be first so bad that they just cut in front of lines."
Huh? HUH? Now, I think there's ample evidence that I'm not the Tools' number one fan. But there is absolutely not one single thing wrong with what they just did. First of all, "line"? You're not at Walgreen's picking up mascara. This isn't turn-based. Secondly, maybe there wouldn't be a "line" if MoJo had had the balls to drive into the water when they got to it, instead of hemming and hawing over it. Thirdly, she's getting all up in arms because Eric and Jeremy want to beat them. Yeah, it's almost as if this were some kind of race, and you guys were in direct competition with one another! Weird! I do not know what is coursing through whatever random components make up Monica's "mind", but she needs a nice tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up.
Ray and Yolanda are led through the first flood by the lithe little man, and make it through the second one without having a big tantrum about the mean teams that have the nerve to be in front of them. In Sur, MoJo passes Eric and Jeremy, who have stopped for directions to the ferry. Monica fails to hate herself, so that's two for two on the things that other people aren't allowed to do, but she is. MoJo is first to the clue box. Detour! Camel or Watchtower. In Camel, teams use a pulley to load a camel into a pickup truck. Then they drive the truck one mile to a Bedouin camp, using a hand-drawn map with some landmarks on it. They then exchange the camel for their next clue. In Watchtower, teams are accosted by aggressive Mormons who try to convert them. Teams that can hold fast to their original religion get their next clue. Kidding! I've been watching too much Big Love. In Watchtower, teams go to one of the nearby watchtowers (there are three), and look for a scroll on a pillow. The trick is that one of the watchtowers has three scrolls, one has two, and one has none, so it does make a difference which one the teams search. Once they've got a scroll, they must travel one mile to a gold and silver shop and exchange it for the next clue.
All three lead teams (MoJo, Frankenberry, and the Hippies) go for Watchtower. The Tools pull up next, and opt for Camel. Everyone shares a ferry over, then splits up. Frankenberry decides to follow the Hippies to their watchtower, while MoJo heads for the closer one. There are mountain goats baaaaa-ing away on the cliffs nearby. As the Tools load their camel, it makes all sorts of hilarious noises in protest. It's sort of Chewbacca-ish. The watchtower that MoJo enters is the one with zero scrolls. Reeeeee-ohhhhhhh! That's a foghorn noise, by the way. The Hippies find the one with two scrolls, so Frankenberry's good to go as well. They grab the ferry back. MoJo decides they don't want to make their way to another watchtower, so they're going to switch to Camel. The Tools load their camel. It looks like Eric hasn't raised it enough for Jeremy to pull the truck in under it, so they nick its legs. Ouch! He looks okay, but that made me wince. They leave for the Bedouin camp. The Hippies and Frankenberry find someone to help them find the gold/silver shop. For no reason, BJ shows the camera a sketch of a camel he's done. I only bring it up because it's a really good sketch. I can't even draw stick people. MoJo loads their camel, which is making those noises of unhappiness. Aw.
The Tools make a turn onto a dirt path. Frankenberry arrives at the shop and gets their clue. It tells them to drive to the village of Al Hawiyah. Once there, they walk across some sandy field surrounded by date palms to find their next clue. The shopkeeper shows off his wicked knife to the Hippies before handing over the clue. Heh. MoJo finishes loading their camel and leaves for the Bedouin camp. The Tools are just now discovering that they're not where they need to be. They think everyone will have a lot of trouble finding the camp, which is of course our cue to check in with MoJo, who easily finds it. They get their Al Hawiyah clue. They wish they'd taken the camel first, and blame the watchtower mistake on bad luck. I mean, yeah, it was bad luck that the one they chose to search didn't contain a clue, but that's kind of the whole point of the Detour. If every tower had clues, there really wouldn't be any cons involved with that choice. They just seem to pawn every choice they make that doesn't pan out off on bad luck, which is a little...what's the word? Convenient? The Tools are still lost. They call themselves idiots. I nod. The camel looks nonplussed.
Commercials. Local newscaster Vickie Newton is turning forty. Let's all take time to care.
The Tools finally find the Bedouin camp. Ray and Yolanda (whom the Tools spot and pronounce to rhyme with "Joe Panda" for some reason) finally reach the Detour, and choose Camel. They get started, and Yolanda comforts another unhappy camel. Aw. She tells us he doesn't smell as bad as she figured he would. Well, that's a nice silver lining. They don't appear to have any problems finding the Bedouin camp. They know they're in last place, but Ray keeps a positive outlook. Up at the sand dunes in Al Hawiyah, Frankenberry spots the clue box. Hey, they didn't drive or walk past it a million times! Progress! They and the Hippies get their clue at the same time. Roadblock! "Who's willing to work for food?" Well, that's vague. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to dig through 117 sand dunes to find some shuwa: spiced lamb wrapped in a dried palm weave mat. The space that's dug underground for it acts as a natural oven. Neat. Not only do the teams need to retrieve the shuwa for their next clue - it will also be their dinner that evening. BJ takes on the Roadblock, as does Barry. More camels stand around looking bored. The Roadblockers get digging. Fran comments on the heat.
MoJo approaches Al Hawiyah. Joseph is reading something out while Monica sings the name of the town. He asks her not to be annoying. I think you're about 40 minutes too late on that one, Joseph. They reach the clue box, and Monica takes the Roadblock. Tyler and Fran cheer on their teammates, Tyler by shouting encouragement and Fran by complaining about the heat. Yeah, well, you're not the one digging through mounds of sand, lady, so stow it. Monica threatens to get even with Joseph for "making her" do the Roadblock. I regret giving away my "stow it" to Fran when there are other much more deserving people present. There's a shot of a grimacing Monica with her teeth sticking out. The very next shot is one of a grimacing camel with its teeth sticking out. Oh, snap!!!! Blood Ray and I had to rewind a couple of times to soak up all the hilarity of that moment. In fact, I was discussing the episode over the phone with Gnat the next day, and she mentioned that she didn't catch this bit.
Limecrete: "Well, I'll have to show you the camel shot. It was priceless."
Gnat: "I really suggest you don't say things like that out loud at work anymore."
The Tools arrive at the Roadblock, and Eric takes it on. Why are all these people wearing long pants? Whatever. More camels complain. Barry is the first of the Roadblockers to find his shuwa. I love typing sentences I'll never need to use again for the remainder of my life. Monica finds one soon after. She says she needs to be careful digging so that the dirt (read: sand) doesn't collapse onto their meat. Smash cut to Barry not being careful, and the sand collapsing onto their meat. Heh. Another camel complains. Fran gets a face like "The fuck?", then grins. Aw. Back in Ray and Yolanda's car, Yolanda still won't let the cussing thing go. Seriously, woman. At this point, you're beyond over-focused and bordering on unattractive. Monica extracts her bag, which Fran helpfully notes by yelling "She's got it, Baaaar!!!!!". MoJo rips the clue, which directs them to the next pitstop - Jabreen Castle, which is 150 miles away. It's gorgeous. MoJo takes off, jabbering about how they can finally come in first. Tyler yells to BJ that after this, it's the pitstop, but BJ is beyond caring about anything. Yeah, this does look like one of the more punishing Roadblocks.
Barry pulls his bag up and gets the clue. He walks slowly over to Fran, who snips at him to "get [her] out of here". Yeah, it must have been hard for you to stand around yelling while Barry pawed through mountains of sand, sweating his skin off. Bitch. She's more conciliatory once they get going. OK, I take back the "bitch" comment. Tyler continues yelling encouragement to BJ, who doesn't want to hear it anymore. Eric finds his shuwa. Jeremy tells him if he hurries, they can still get first place. Heh. Hehehehe. Hahahahaha!!!! Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself again. As they leave, Ray and Yolanda drive in. Yolanda takes the Roadblock. Tyler complains to Ray about how they were the first ones there, and now have been passed by everyone. Ray attempts to look sympathetic, but he's got to be thinking "Oh, I'll show you 'passed by everyone'". BJ is exhausted, snaps at Tyler, and is beginning to complain about how Tyler gets to do all the cool Roadblocks. Whuh oh. That's not a good headspace to be in. Tyler asks him if he's missed any mounds. BJ snarks back that he's missed the ones he hasn't dug out yet. Yolanda whispers "You tell him, BJ" to herself. Hee. But she's not done. Ray tells her to get a pattern going and she whispers "Your momma got a pattern goin'." Hahahaha. Then she makes a face at him behind her shovel that Blood Ray insisted on rewinding to and taking a picture of with his phone.
Dig this, buddy.
She manages to find her shuwa next. Ouch. She gently tells BJ she's got one, and not to give up. Aw. She and Ray take off for the pit stop. Tyler laments quietly to the camera that it's hard to watch BJ struggle like this. No doubt.
Commercials. I know Jon Lovtiz's schtick should be officially old, but I still find him really funny. It must have something to do with my beloved Critic DVDs.
The Hippies have been at the Roadblock for so long, even the camels have given up complaining and have laid down for a nice rest. A minute or two later, and BJ finally finds his shuwa. He's completely drained. Tyler is proud of him. I agree with Gnat that he really did a good job of being encouraging when BJ needed it, and shutting his trap when BJ needed that. They hug, and head for the pitstop. Meanwhile, MoJo tries to figure out where they're going, but Fran seems to know exactly where the castle is. The Tools take another left onto another dirt road, just as when they got lost during the Detour. They say it's a shortcut. Sure. You've already amply proven how great you are at getting around Oman. Yolanda tells Ray what town they're heading to, and when he asks if she's sure, she bites his head off again. Lady, come on. In the Hippie car, BJ looks extremely depressed. Tyler tries to keep his spirits up. There's a lot of intercutting between MoJo and Frankenberry to see who will get to Nizwa (the town where the castle is located) first. MoJo takes a wrong turn. No doubt that it's because of their "bad luck". They get directions from some helpful bystanders. Too late, though, because Frankenberry - FRANKENBERRY - comes into the pitstop in first place. The look on Phil's face is phenomenal. They win a trip to Rome. Hopefully they can stay there for more than three minutes.
Darkness falls. Geez, how lost did MoJo get? They check in as team number two. They're unhappy, and for once I can understand why a second place team would be sour about it. Even darker darkness falls. The Tools' "shortcut" has led them into the middle of nowhere. Ha! Eric convinces himself that other teams are having as much trouble as they are. The editors never tire of that opportunity, so we cut directly to Ray and Yolanda, having no trouble at all. They're team number three. They're happy about their placement, but upset that they've been fighting for two days, and are obviously not in the best of moods as they check in. They hope they can pull themselves together.
Limecrete: "Now they'll go and have really angry, unsatisfying sex."
-The next shot is of the Tools in their car-
Blood Ray: "So will they."
The Tools decide to turn around. The Hippies head for Nizwa. Both teams know that anything can happen to other teams. And coming into the pitstop is...the Tools. Bleh. Unsurprising, but bleh. They're team number four. The Hippies reach the castle, and make a mistake by not putting on all their clothes. I mean, sure it'll look ridiculous, but you have to plan for these things. And of course by "these things", I mean a non-elimination point, which we see our first of tonight. The Hippies are still in the race, but Phil takes all of their money and possessions, including the clothes they're not wearing, and they won't receive any money at the start of the next leg. They are determined to claw their way back. If it means them passing the Tools, I'm all for it.
Next week on The Amazing Race: My VCR skips a beat, so all I know is that they're going somewhere with a sandy beach, and Joseph is finally tired of Monica's shit.
Overall Grade: B+
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner
Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 6
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs had to create fusion food to "sell" on the street. What, no recap of the Quickfire? Guess that's just another piece of evidence for my thesis, entitled "Why This Show Hates Andrea For No Good Reason". The chefs were split into partners. Andrea's already been eliminated once, we're reminded for the seven billionth time. Harold and Lisa forgot the jicama, and were berated for it unfairly. Miguel threw his immune partner to the wolves in his desperation to stay in the competition. It worked, and Lisa was sadly eliminated. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Another bright, beautiful day dawns in San Francisco. The first order of business? How Andrea feels about being betrayed by Miguel at the judges' table last week. Despite sounding fairly OK with it, as she did last week, she also throws in a tidbit about how Miguel will be the next one to go unless he cleans up his act, and that he really hasn't shown grace. Ouch. Miguel loads the dishwasher, and interviews that he wasn't attacking Andrea last week, he was just "expressing that he can't rely on anybody." No, that's OK. Feel free to read that quote as many times as you'd like. It still won't make any sense. The dishwasher overflows with suds. The guy's a chef and he can't load a dishwasher? Let me rephrase that. The guy's more than eleven years old and can't load a dishwasher? Miguel then snipes sarcastically about how nobody offered to help him clean up the soapy mess. Given that he's not exactly Mr. Popular after last week, and the fact that the mess is all his fault, maybe he can dial down the snotty attitude a bit. He's starting to get ugly, in more ways than one.
Quickfire Challenge. As the chefs enter the Kitchen, they're excited to see that Ted Allen from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will be this week's guest judge. KatieBot informs the chefs that the theme this week is pressure. They all openly laugh in her face, saying that pressure is pretty much a common theme, thankyouverymuch. On the table are a variety of ingredients with little price tags sticking out of them. The price indicates how much per ounce the ingredient costs. The challenge will be to create an appetizer for a total cost of under three dollars. The Kitchen's staple ingredients (spices, oils, flour, etc.) don't count towards the cost. As if the three-dollar restriction isn't enough, everyone only has twenty minutes to prepare the appetizer. I can't even make pre-packaged tater tots in twenty minutes. Winner is immune, as always. And....GO!
Dave is worried. Stephen is composed. Lee Anne, obviously asked to describe the mood of the other chefs by her interviewer, says she couldn't really tell how other people were feeling, because she was working. She says it kind of sarcastically, like it's a dumb question, which makes me love her all the more. I'll get to the ingredients everyone uses when they present the dishes to KatieBot and Ted, but Lee Anne's appetizer caps out at $2.98. Someone has turned off Miguel's burner. Is there a poltergeist in the Kitchen? Lee Anne's oven got tampered with. Equipment is always hiding or missing. And now the burner. I'd love to see a reunion show where we see footage that hit the cutting room floor of Tiffani or whoever sneaking around doing all this stuff. Speaking of whom, her appetizer is $2.76. She likes working under pressure like this. I can understand. My best college papers were written the night before they were due. Dave's is $2.57. He knows his flavors are usually good, but that he needs to work on presentation. I'd agree with that. Andrea interviews that she wanted to make something light and simple. Light and simple is fine, but $1.56? Jeez, what is she giving us - two peas? Harold's is $2.93. He says he's been very comfortable in every Quickfire challenge, and is pissed that he hasn't won one yet. I assume he's leaving out the one where everyone pretty much sucked. Stephen's proud of his dish (I know, surprising), which costs $2.84. He says he uses "innovative technique", which I guess is Stephen-speak for "pretentious and froufrou". It's the usual dabs of sauce here and there, but no real substance. Miguel's appetizer is $1.50. $1.50! Put some fancy cheese on it or something! Time's up.
Ted begins the judging, starting with Stephen. There's about three bites of food on his plate. Yeesh. It's poached baby Manila clams over grilled sea beans. Miguel has made an antipasti plate of various vegetables, pears, and a bit of cheese. Ted doesn't appear to like it very much, which Miguel notices. Lee Anne has made deep-fried oysters with reduced lemon garlic cream. That sounds really, really good, and I'm not just saying that because I like Lee Anne. Harold has made bacon-wrapped trevisano (which is kind of like radicchio, which is kind of like lettuce) with a gorgonzola brulee. Ted enjoys it a great deal. Tiffani. She says she really wanted to "honor" oysters. I'll bet the oysters would feel more honored if they were alive. She's done three small preparations: raw oyster with pomegranate, deep-fried oyster, and white wine/cream poached oyster. Ted takes a bite and pretends he's allergic to shellfish, which would have been a bit more effective if he hadn't just eaten Stephen's clams and Lee Anne's oysters. Wow, that sounded dirty. And what's with all the clams and oysters? Are they that cheap? Dressel's has the nerve to charge nine dollars for a pretty small fried oyster sandwich. Remind me to look into that. Andrea says she likes to combine sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and pungent into her meals. Ted jokes that it sounds like she's describing his coworkers. Which one's pungent? I'll bet it's Thom. Andrea has prepared a carrot/pear salad with honey mustard dressing in a lettuce leaf bowl. Of course she can't resist telling him that he'll take a very nice crap later, thanks to her food. What is with her constant bragging about how much shit we'll all enjoy after we taste her cooking? Does she put that fact on her menus? Weird. Dave has made cumin and oregano chicken skewers with adobo honey butter. I've noticed that Dave makes what I'll call the most "accessible" food. It's not fancy. It's not artistic. But it's by far the food you'd most like to see if you showed up at someone's Super Bowl party or something.
Ted tells the chefs that Harold, Tiffani, Lee Anne, and Stephen are the frontrunners for the Quickfire. He gives all four of them specific compliments, but it all boils down to the fact that he thought they balanced flavor and presentation well. And the winner of the challenge is... Stephen. Boo! Smarmerview. The other chefs aren't thrilled. Harold says Stephen's food isn't "soulful". Dave (who has developed some sort of shoulder-rolling nervous tic), interviews that Stephen had six little bits of food on the enormous plate; that it wasn't an appetizer, but a painting. I completely agree, but I'm not surprised that judges who fancy themselves sophisticated would go for style over substance. KatieBot reminds Stephen that he has immunity now. Dave is still rolling his shoulder.
We go right into the explanation of tonight's Elimination Challenge. Ted tells the chefs he'll be throwing a dinner party to introduce his new cookbook. The people attending the party are going to be experts in the field. There will be food writers, food critics, wine specialists, etc. There are seven chefs, and each will be responsible for planning one of the seven courses. So all of them will be working as one giant team, which makes me laugh for some reason. Ted warns them that if the food isn't great, he'll look stupid, and that will make him a very cranky judge. KatieBot tells them they can spend $50 per guest, and have the rest of the day to plan their menu. She and Ted leave. Tiffani interviews that it'll be tough, since they are seven tremendously different people. There's a telling shot of six of them hunched over together, with Stephen standing off to the side alone. I get the feeling that's a common formation when Stephen's around. They start to divide up the courses. The big discussion is who's going to take on dessert, since none of them have much skill in pastry-making. Harold suggests doing a cheese plate instead of a real dessert. Tiffani tells him that if they do that, the judges will jump down their throats. Probably true. She interviews that it'd be a shame for someone to go home due to their weakness in dessert preparation.
Tom enters. It's really not a good sign that I dislike him on sight now. Tiffani pulls a brilliant move. It's devious, but I really have to hand it to her for coming up with this. Now that the head judge is in the room, Tiffani asks if Stephen would like to "take one for the team" (tally mark!) and do dessert, since he has immunity. She's trapped him. If he says yes, he's stuck with the loser course. If he says no, he looks like a jerkwad. This intimidation is another reason why Tom shouldn't be allowed to check in during the challenge, but in this case, it's to Stephen's disadvantage, so I'm all for it.
Commercials. The prettiest dining room in the world doesn't make up for that haircut, Pier 1 lady.
Dave recaps the challenge. Tiffani recaps the maneuver she just aptly pulled off. Stephen agrees to do dessert. I can't tell if he really doesn't care or if he knows he's stuck, and is playing it off as gracefully as he can. Tom leaves. So his presence would have accomplished absolutely nothing if Tiffani hadn't taken advantage of it. Top Chef? If you do a Season 2? Fix this. Miguel takes on the first course (cold appetizer). Dave takes the second (soup). Andrea takes the third (fish). Tiffani takes the fourth (poultry). Harold takes the fifth (meat). He's extremely pleased to get it, because we all know how sick he is of challenges about kids' food or microwave food or other things that he's not strong in. He's just not a fan of challenges that are...challenging. Lee Anne takes the sixth course (pre-dessert). And of course, Stephen has the last course (dessert). Lee Anne is optimistic about how the chefs will work together. Everyone heads back to the IHOF, where the chefs prepare a barbecue dinner for themselves. I'm sure this is not in any way done to surreptitiously promote the KC MASTERPIECE BBQ SAUCE that just happens to be featured prominently. I'm sure if KC MASTERPIECE BBQ SAUCE were a sponsor, they'd just pay for ad time or something. People talk about putting any extra money from the challenge they have into a pool so that other people can get more supplies if they need them. Good idea. Stephen does some research on dessert recipes.
Morning. Everyone heads to the grocery store for supplies. We see what the chefs are going to be making. Lee Anne is making a fourme d'ambert cheese and beet sorbet. Beet sorbet? What'ere, Jane Eyre. Andrea is making John Dory fish. Harold asks the butcher if he can cut the meat he wants himself. She's totally fine with it. I don't know why that surprises me, but it does. Harold will be making a roasted prime beef and Swiss chard. He's says he's feeling good and happy, which is our cue to grit our teeth and wait for the sword of Damocles to fall on his head. Miguel is making smoked scallops and caviar on a latke (potato pancake for you non-Jews). Stephen takes over wine selection.
Everyone goes over to Frisson, the restaurant where the party will take place. It's a really beautiful restaurant, and the kitchen is bright and roomy. I like the people at the restaurant I work at, but that kitchen is so narrow, it makes me crazy. The chefs have two and a half hours to prepare everything. Tom enters. Boo! He reminds them that "pressure" is the theme of the week, so he's going to be turning up the heat a little bit. Rut roh. Out comes the knife block. That's never a good sign. For them, I mean. Tom tells them that the knives are numbered, and whatever knife they pull, that will be the course they prepare and will be judged on. Andrea interviews with amusement about the horrified faces she saw after the announcement. Miguel draws first. He draws #6, so he'll be preparing Lee Anne's dish, the sorbet. Dave draws #3 (Andrea's fish). Andrea draws #1 (Miguel's scallops/caviar/latke). Tiffani draws #5 (Harold's meat. Hee. I said "Harold's meat."). Harold draws #7 (Stephen's dessert). And...bam! Down comes the sword. He's upset. I get frustrated at Harold's constant surprise and disdain for the challenges and twists they throw him, since those aren't exactly scarce on a reality show. I do have to admit, though, that he often gets the short end of the stick, challenge wise. I wouldn't be thrilled either. Lee Anne draws #4 (Tiffani's poultry - duck breast, with fig-stuffed gnocchi). That leaves #2 for Stephen (Dave's soup). Tom tells them that they're welcome to help each other on the courses, if they so choose. He has a little snotty interview about how chefs should be able to cook whatever's thrown at them, and blah blah blah.
Two hours until dinner. Stephen shows Harold all the ingredients he's bought, and the fact that they're as esoteric and varied as usual does nothing to improve Harold's mood. Stephen, actually being very cooperative for once, interviews that he teamed up with Harold to give him as much help as possible with the dessert. I get the feeling Stephen would much rather be rid of someone expressive like Dave or Andrea than Harold, who's fairly tight-lipped in the kitchen. Tiffani advises Lee Anne. Lee Anne advises Miguel. Andrea advises Dave. Miguel advises Andrea. Andrea pulls a Harold by saying that Miguel's dish is not something she'd usually eat, so she's not very happy about having to prepare something like this. Andrea, if you can get through the gas station Quickfire, you can get through this. Tiffani says that she's very comfortable with meat. Hehehe. Suddenly, there's trouble a brewin'. Miguel has dumped a load of salt into the sorbet, thinking it was sugar. Not good. He skillfully pulls in a rousing chorus of "poor me, I'm out of it". I've been hearing a lot of that song lately.
Commercials. I wasn't aware that America had a "favorite" push-up bra.
Lee Anne recaps the entire challenge. Thanks, but I am actually watching the show. Miguel is freaking out over the salt substitution. He comes over to help Andrea make his original dish, and she (very kindly, considering last week) tries to work out ways he could work around his mistake. She suggests just putting together a cheese plate and forgetting the sorbet, which is probably the only thing he can do in this scenario. Tom checks in. He asks Harold how the dessert's going. "Fuck if I know," Harold responds. Tom tells him Stephen thinks it'll be fine, and Harold says "I'm glad he's confident." Heh. Harold's totally winging it. Tom asks Miguel what kind of cheese he's using. Miguel has to call over to Lee Anne to ask what it is. I'm certainly not familiar with fourme d'ambert, but the fact that he stumbles over the name in front of a judge makes him even more flustered than he was before. He's falling apart. Andrea interviews that because the dish Miguel is in charge of is such a mess, he wanted something of his to turn out right. So he comes over and basically takes over the preparation of his own recipe from Andrea, leaving her only the latkes to prepare. Tiffani's a little miffed about this, though I can't tell if it's because she thinks Andrea is shirking her duty or because she thinks Andrea's leaving herself open for some harsh criticism later.
The guests arrive. There are ten minutes left until dinner starts, and everyone goes into hysterical mode in the kitchen. Ted schmoozes, and tells some guests to have no qualms about expressing their honest opinions about the food. The guests are seated and toast Ted. Stephen shows off his mad phat wine-opening skillz by popping the cork with a large knife. Andrea and Miguel serve the scallop/caviar platter. Shockingly, Andrea does not tell the assembled guests that they'll be able to take a nice crap after the meal. Ted and Tom are not happy about the fact that the latkes are lukewarm. Harold says that he actually prepared what Stephen was in charge of (Dave's soup), because Stephen was helping out so much on the dessert. Dave is pissed about this in an interview, sniping that if this is how it's going to work out, he'll just have Lee Anne cook his food from here on out, and he'll take the credit. I can't believe I'm about to defend Stephen, but here we go. First of all, it's completely within the rules to work as a team on this challenge, so it's not like they're going behind anyone's backs for this. Secondly, Dave is trying to make this about rules and competition, but it seems to me that he's just jealous that other people are working together and benefiting, leaving him out. We already know that he's not very fond of either Harold or Stephen, so it's like he's recasting his high school days with him as the poor victim and Harold and Stephen as the asshole jocks. I could be wrong, but if I'm not, this prissy snit is extremely unattractive. The soup is drank as a shot, and everyone seems to like it a lot.
Dave presents his fish and is blathering loudly and quickly. He's really nervous, and is doing that shoulder roll thing again. Ted asks if someone can slip Dave a glass of wine, presumably so he'll calm the fuck down. Dave goes back into the kitchen as the guests begin the fish course. Tom hates it. Lee Anne interviews that she's nervous, because pasta's not exactly her strong suit. She serves the duck and fig-stuffed gnocchi. Everyone loves it. Tom says he likes it, but in a tone of voice that suggests that he's disappointed that he doesn't have anything to complain about. Have I mentioned that I don't much care for Tom? He's not fit to wipe Tim Gunn's shoes. Tiffani serves the meat. It's fairly rare, which I enjoy, so it looks good to me. Everyone looks very happy with it. In the kitchen, Lee Anne tries to help Miguel salvage something of the mess he's made of her recipe. He asks her the name of the cheese again. He's still unhappy, but goes out to present the cheese. There's a beet salad on the side now, to take the place of the sorbet. He stumbles over the name of the cheese again. Oh, dear. Everyone likes the homemade cracker, but not much else about it. Harold's concerned, because Stephen is devoting more time to wine serving than helping him out with dessert. Harold serves it. There's a black-tea-infused milk chocolate soup, something or other made out of white chocolate, and chocolate flourless cake. The guests like the first taste of the chocolate soup, but then decide it's too rich to continue with. The flourless cake is more popular, though someone says it's a bit dry. The chefs are summoned into the dining room, and are applauded. Ted thanks them, and everyone toasts everyone else and has a drink. They're dismissed so that the judges can deliberate.
Commercials. Does anyone really watch that housewives in Orange County show? I can feel myself getting stupider just by watching the promos.
The guests have vanished. KatieBot asks Ted for his impressions. He says he was impressed with the teamwork, and that the food tasted fairly good across the board, so the winner and loser may have to be chosen from presentation alone. Gail and Tom agree. Gail goes on to say that the dessert was too rich for her. Tom says that the dessert was a difficult one, and he had much bigger problems with Dave's fish, or rather the vegetables beneath them. In the waiting room, people try to comfort Miguel by asking him how he's doing, and he repays their kindness by snapping rudely at them. I'm no fun to be around after a bad day, either, but these people's intentions are good. Bad mood or not - shut the fuck up, Miguel. KatieBot comes in, and asks to see Tiffani, Lee Anne, and Stephen at the judges' table. Once they're seated, Gail tells Stephen she loved the soup, which of course he had nothing to do with. Tiffani had two minor problems with her beef (something about over-resting and undercooked onions), but overall, it turned out really well. Ted tells Lee Anne that her flavors were unified, and the duck was magnificent. KatieBot announces the winner...Lee Anne. Yay! In an interview, she gives credit to Tiffani for coming up with such a good recipe. I love Lee Anne.
KatieBot asks the top three how they think things worked out in the kitchen. Lee Anne tells them about the salt/sugar mixup. Tom pulls his usual jerk move by asking if they were to choose someone to be eliminated, who would it be? Actually, he doesn't even ask them to supply a name, but openly asks if they think Miguel should be booted. Lee Anne opens with her usual diplomacy by saying that it'd be a tough call. Tiffani leaps right in and says that yes, Miguel should be eliminated, since he was flailing so much tonight. Stephen says that Miguel's meltdown was unfortunate, but that he thinks there are weaker people overall in the competition. Tiffani makes a face at this. Tom asks who he means, and he says Andrea and Dave. Wow, I called that one. Tiffani shakes her head, because Stephen's not falling in with her line of thinking. Lee Anne tries to pull Miguel out of the fire a bit by saying that he did the best that he could out of her original vision. The top three are dismissed. They come back into the waiting area. Lee Anne modestly reports her win, then tell them that the judges want to see Dave, Miguel, and Andrea. Dave's already crying. Harold's pleased with being in the middle of the pack, given his lack of experience with desserts.
The bottom three seat themselves at the losers' table. Gail, pretty gently under the circumstances, tells Dave about her problems with his vegetables. He's about ready to burst into tears again. She asks him what his feelings were when he drew the fish dish. He says his main concern was keeping it light, and trying to do justice to Andrea's intentions. Good answer. Ted thinks that Dave was so worried about Andrea's vision that he didn't put enough of his own style into the dish. Dave tries very hard to keep the tears back. He succeeds, but his voice is wavering, and he almost begs not to be eliminated, saying he knows he can do better. Tom says he appreciates that, but they have to judge on the food. Miguel admits to his problems from the start. He fails to remember the cheese's name yet again. He really does deserve to get eliminated tonight. He tells the judges about his salt/sugar thing, but says that he thinks he regrouped from that well. Tom gleefully stirs up shit by telling Miguel that Lee Anne and Tiffani thought he was an absolute mess, and that Tiffani suggested he be eliminated. I hate Tom. Lee Anne said NOTHING OF THE KIND, you goddamn, lying fuck knuckle. Miguel's angry, but holds it in, saying he disagrees and that it just shows that they think he's a threat to them. He's wrong, but how else do you respond to a statement like that? Tom tells Andrea she's at the table because she only did one thing, and messed up that one thing by serving the latkes cold. She agrees. Ted tries to get her to describe something that she brought to the dish, and is not satisfied with the response about scallions. He feels she didn't even try to impress the guests or judges. The bottom three are dismissed.
They come back into the waiting area. The other chefs see the look on Miguel's face and ask what's going on. He says he heard that a couple of people said that he should go home, and wants to hear why. He sounds very composed at this point, but since he knows very well what his issues were tonight, he's really just picking a fight. Tiffani cops to her statement, saying that she feels he made some novice mistakes in the kitchen. She adds that she never said that she felt it was his time to go home. That's skirting awfully close to a lie. She never volunteered that opinion, but she certainly gave it when asked. Miguel calls her on it, saying that Tom said she did, and asking if she's calling Tom a liar. Miguel? Tom IS a liar. Not about this, but still. Dave is crying. I really hope he's crying about possibly getting eliminated, and not this stupid spat. Lee Anne rolls her eyes at these ridiculous people. I feel you, Lee Anne. Miguel keeps shouting Tiffani down before she can answer his question about Tom being a liar. He asks for a yes or no answer. Again before she can give one, he asks another question. Is Tiffani threatened by him? This one she's got an answer for, and it's not the one he's looking for. No, she's not, and since he's unable to hold a civil conversation, she's taking herself out of it. He vows some, I don't know, personal vendetta against her, calls her a snake, and makes a hissing noise. He's convinced he's won the argument, but she just giggles, because that was a totally lame burn.
Back at the judges' table, Gail says that Miguel's dish was "unorganized", by which she means "disorganized". And she's a writer. Shame on her. She does say again that she really liked the cracker, but that everything else about it was a mess. The other judges agree. Ted says that Dave needs to get his emotions under control, and that you can't ever get anything accomplished if you're always freaking out about your feelings. I agree. Andrea didn't put enough effort into anything. The judges feel she doesn't really care enough. All she did was open a tin of caviar and make cold latkes. The judges reach their decision.
Commercials. Buy a Kenmore dishwasher, and please ignore that scene in tonight's episode where one of them spewed suds all over the kitchen.
The bottom three come back to the table. Dave didn't put enough personality into his dish. Miguel created havoc in the kitchen. Andrea is lazy or something. ANDREA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. She thanks the judges. Miguel leans across and says he's sorry to see her go, because she's been a true friend. This is one of those instances where writing down his words doesn't convey one-tenth of his tone, so I'll try to write down the undercurrents of what he was really saying. "Andrea, I'm sorry it has to be you going, and not that bitch Tiffani. You've been a true friend to me because you didn't put up a fight when I betrayed you to the judges. By the way, me betraying you to the judges was fine. Tiffani betraying me to the judges is pure evil." Andrea comes back to the waiting area to say good-bye. Lee Anne tells her how glad she was to have her back. She even shares a stiff hug with Stephen. Tiffani interviews that the contestants are there for different reasons. "Not everyone's here to win. Some people are here for the impact they make in other people's lives." That's very astute. Andrea promises to keep on working to improve people's diets. Aw, she was fun.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs had to create fusion food to "sell" on the street. What, no recap of the Quickfire? Guess that's just another piece of evidence for my thesis, entitled "Why This Show Hates Andrea For No Good Reason". The chefs were split into partners. Andrea's already been eliminated once, we're reminded for the seven billionth time. Harold and Lisa forgot the jicama, and were berated for it unfairly. Miguel threw his immune partner to the wolves in his desperation to stay in the competition. It worked, and Lisa was sadly eliminated. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Another bright, beautiful day dawns in San Francisco. The first order of business? How Andrea feels about being betrayed by Miguel at the judges' table last week. Despite sounding fairly OK with it, as she did last week, she also throws in a tidbit about how Miguel will be the next one to go unless he cleans up his act, and that he really hasn't shown grace. Ouch. Miguel loads the dishwasher, and interviews that he wasn't attacking Andrea last week, he was just "expressing that he can't rely on anybody." No, that's OK. Feel free to read that quote as many times as you'd like. It still won't make any sense. The dishwasher overflows with suds. The guy's a chef and he can't load a dishwasher? Let me rephrase that. The guy's more than eleven years old and can't load a dishwasher? Miguel then snipes sarcastically about how nobody offered to help him clean up the soapy mess. Given that he's not exactly Mr. Popular after last week, and the fact that the mess is all his fault, maybe he can dial down the snotty attitude a bit. He's starting to get ugly, in more ways than one.
Quickfire Challenge. As the chefs enter the Kitchen, they're excited to see that Ted Allen from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will be this week's guest judge. KatieBot informs the chefs that the theme this week is pressure. They all openly laugh in her face, saying that pressure is pretty much a common theme, thankyouverymuch. On the table are a variety of ingredients with little price tags sticking out of them. The price indicates how much per ounce the ingredient costs. The challenge will be to create an appetizer for a total cost of under three dollars. The Kitchen's staple ingredients (spices, oils, flour, etc.) don't count towards the cost. As if the three-dollar restriction isn't enough, everyone only has twenty minutes to prepare the appetizer. I can't even make pre-packaged tater tots in twenty minutes. Winner is immune, as always. And....GO!
Dave is worried. Stephen is composed. Lee Anne, obviously asked to describe the mood of the other chefs by her interviewer, says she couldn't really tell how other people were feeling, because she was working. She says it kind of sarcastically, like it's a dumb question, which makes me love her all the more. I'll get to the ingredients everyone uses when they present the dishes to KatieBot and Ted, but Lee Anne's appetizer caps out at $2.98. Someone has turned off Miguel's burner. Is there a poltergeist in the Kitchen? Lee Anne's oven got tampered with. Equipment is always hiding or missing. And now the burner. I'd love to see a reunion show where we see footage that hit the cutting room floor of Tiffani or whoever sneaking around doing all this stuff. Speaking of whom, her appetizer is $2.76. She likes working under pressure like this. I can understand. My best college papers were written the night before they were due. Dave's is $2.57. He knows his flavors are usually good, but that he needs to work on presentation. I'd agree with that. Andrea interviews that she wanted to make something light and simple. Light and simple is fine, but $1.56? Jeez, what is she giving us - two peas? Harold's is $2.93. He says he's been very comfortable in every Quickfire challenge, and is pissed that he hasn't won one yet. I assume he's leaving out the one where everyone pretty much sucked. Stephen's proud of his dish (I know, surprising), which costs $2.84. He says he uses "innovative technique", which I guess is Stephen-speak for "pretentious and froufrou". It's the usual dabs of sauce here and there, but no real substance. Miguel's appetizer is $1.50. $1.50! Put some fancy cheese on it or something! Time's up.
Ted begins the judging, starting with Stephen. There's about three bites of food on his plate. Yeesh. It's poached baby Manila clams over grilled sea beans. Miguel has made an antipasti plate of various vegetables, pears, and a bit of cheese. Ted doesn't appear to like it very much, which Miguel notices. Lee Anne has made deep-fried oysters with reduced lemon garlic cream. That sounds really, really good, and I'm not just saying that because I like Lee Anne. Harold has made bacon-wrapped trevisano (which is kind of like radicchio, which is kind of like lettuce) with a gorgonzola brulee. Ted enjoys it a great deal. Tiffani. She says she really wanted to "honor" oysters. I'll bet the oysters would feel more honored if they were alive. She's done three small preparations: raw oyster with pomegranate, deep-fried oyster, and white wine/cream poached oyster. Ted takes a bite and pretends he's allergic to shellfish, which would have been a bit more effective if he hadn't just eaten Stephen's clams and Lee Anne's oysters. Wow, that sounded dirty. And what's with all the clams and oysters? Are they that cheap? Dressel's has the nerve to charge nine dollars for a pretty small fried oyster sandwich. Remind me to look into that. Andrea says she likes to combine sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and pungent into her meals. Ted jokes that it sounds like she's describing his coworkers. Which one's pungent? I'll bet it's Thom. Andrea has prepared a carrot/pear salad with honey mustard dressing in a lettuce leaf bowl. Of course she can't resist telling him that he'll take a very nice crap later, thanks to her food. What is with her constant bragging about how much shit we'll all enjoy after we taste her cooking? Does she put that fact on her menus? Weird. Dave has made cumin and oregano chicken skewers with adobo honey butter. I've noticed that Dave makes what I'll call the most "accessible" food. It's not fancy. It's not artistic. But it's by far the food you'd most like to see if you showed up at someone's Super Bowl party or something.
Ted tells the chefs that Harold, Tiffani, Lee Anne, and Stephen are the frontrunners for the Quickfire. He gives all four of them specific compliments, but it all boils down to the fact that he thought they balanced flavor and presentation well. And the winner of the challenge is... Stephen. Boo! Smarmerview. The other chefs aren't thrilled. Harold says Stephen's food isn't "soulful". Dave (who has developed some sort of shoulder-rolling nervous tic), interviews that Stephen had six little bits of food on the enormous plate; that it wasn't an appetizer, but a painting. I completely agree, but I'm not surprised that judges who fancy themselves sophisticated would go for style over substance. KatieBot reminds Stephen that he has immunity now. Dave is still rolling his shoulder.
We go right into the explanation of tonight's Elimination Challenge. Ted tells the chefs he'll be throwing a dinner party to introduce his new cookbook. The people attending the party are going to be experts in the field. There will be food writers, food critics, wine specialists, etc. There are seven chefs, and each will be responsible for planning one of the seven courses. So all of them will be working as one giant team, which makes me laugh for some reason. Ted warns them that if the food isn't great, he'll look stupid, and that will make him a very cranky judge. KatieBot tells them they can spend $50 per guest, and have the rest of the day to plan their menu. She and Ted leave. Tiffani interviews that it'll be tough, since they are seven tremendously different people. There's a telling shot of six of them hunched over together, with Stephen standing off to the side alone. I get the feeling that's a common formation when Stephen's around. They start to divide up the courses. The big discussion is who's going to take on dessert, since none of them have much skill in pastry-making. Harold suggests doing a cheese plate instead of a real dessert. Tiffani tells him that if they do that, the judges will jump down their throats. Probably true. She interviews that it'd be a shame for someone to go home due to their weakness in dessert preparation.
Tom enters. It's really not a good sign that I dislike him on sight now. Tiffani pulls a brilliant move. It's devious, but I really have to hand it to her for coming up with this. Now that the head judge is in the room, Tiffani asks if Stephen would like to "take one for the team" (tally mark!) and do dessert, since he has immunity. She's trapped him. If he says yes, he's stuck with the loser course. If he says no, he looks like a jerkwad. This intimidation is another reason why Tom shouldn't be allowed to check in during the challenge, but in this case, it's to Stephen's disadvantage, so I'm all for it.
Commercials. The prettiest dining room in the world doesn't make up for that haircut, Pier 1 lady.
Dave recaps the challenge. Tiffani recaps the maneuver she just aptly pulled off. Stephen agrees to do dessert. I can't tell if he really doesn't care or if he knows he's stuck, and is playing it off as gracefully as he can. Tom leaves. So his presence would have accomplished absolutely nothing if Tiffani hadn't taken advantage of it. Top Chef? If you do a Season 2? Fix this. Miguel takes on the first course (cold appetizer). Dave takes the second (soup). Andrea takes the third (fish). Tiffani takes the fourth (poultry). Harold takes the fifth (meat). He's extremely pleased to get it, because we all know how sick he is of challenges about kids' food or microwave food or other things that he's not strong in. He's just not a fan of challenges that are...challenging. Lee Anne takes the sixth course (pre-dessert). And of course, Stephen has the last course (dessert). Lee Anne is optimistic about how the chefs will work together. Everyone heads back to the IHOF, where the chefs prepare a barbecue dinner for themselves. I'm sure this is not in any way done to surreptitiously promote the KC MASTERPIECE BBQ SAUCE that just happens to be featured prominently. I'm sure if KC MASTERPIECE BBQ SAUCE were a sponsor, they'd just pay for ad time or something. People talk about putting any extra money from the challenge they have into a pool so that other people can get more supplies if they need them. Good idea. Stephen does some research on dessert recipes.
Morning. Everyone heads to the grocery store for supplies. We see what the chefs are going to be making. Lee Anne is making a fourme d'ambert cheese and beet sorbet. Beet sorbet? What'ere, Jane Eyre. Andrea is making John Dory fish. Harold asks the butcher if he can cut the meat he wants himself. She's totally fine with it. I don't know why that surprises me, but it does. Harold will be making a roasted prime beef and Swiss chard. He's says he's feeling good and happy, which is our cue to grit our teeth and wait for the sword of Damocles to fall on his head. Miguel is making smoked scallops and caviar on a latke (potato pancake for you non-Jews). Stephen takes over wine selection.
Everyone goes over to Frisson, the restaurant where the party will take place. It's a really beautiful restaurant, and the kitchen is bright and roomy. I like the people at the restaurant I work at, but that kitchen is so narrow, it makes me crazy. The chefs have two and a half hours to prepare everything. Tom enters. Boo! He reminds them that "pressure" is the theme of the week, so he's going to be turning up the heat a little bit. Rut roh. Out comes the knife block. That's never a good sign. For them, I mean. Tom tells them that the knives are numbered, and whatever knife they pull, that will be the course they prepare and will be judged on. Andrea interviews with amusement about the horrified faces she saw after the announcement. Miguel draws first. He draws #6, so he'll be preparing Lee Anne's dish, the sorbet. Dave draws #3 (Andrea's fish). Andrea draws #1 (Miguel's scallops/caviar/latke). Tiffani draws #5 (Harold's meat. Hee. I said "Harold's meat."). Harold draws #7 (Stephen's dessert). And...bam! Down comes the sword. He's upset. I get frustrated at Harold's constant surprise and disdain for the challenges and twists they throw him, since those aren't exactly scarce on a reality show. I do have to admit, though, that he often gets the short end of the stick, challenge wise. I wouldn't be thrilled either. Lee Anne draws #4 (Tiffani's poultry - duck breast, with fig-stuffed gnocchi). That leaves #2 for Stephen (Dave's soup). Tom tells them that they're welcome to help each other on the courses, if they so choose. He has a little snotty interview about how chefs should be able to cook whatever's thrown at them, and blah blah blah.
Two hours until dinner. Stephen shows Harold all the ingredients he's bought, and the fact that they're as esoteric and varied as usual does nothing to improve Harold's mood. Stephen, actually being very cooperative for once, interviews that he teamed up with Harold to give him as much help as possible with the dessert. I get the feeling Stephen would much rather be rid of someone expressive like Dave or Andrea than Harold, who's fairly tight-lipped in the kitchen. Tiffani advises Lee Anne. Lee Anne advises Miguel. Andrea advises Dave. Miguel advises Andrea. Andrea pulls a Harold by saying that Miguel's dish is not something she'd usually eat, so she's not very happy about having to prepare something like this. Andrea, if you can get through the gas station Quickfire, you can get through this. Tiffani says that she's very comfortable with meat. Hehehe. Suddenly, there's trouble a brewin'. Miguel has dumped a load of salt into the sorbet, thinking it was sugar. Not good. He skillfully pulls in a rousing chorus of "poor me, I'm out of it". I've been hearing a lot of that song lately.
Commercials. I wasn't aware that America had a "favorite" push-up bra.
Lee Anne recaps the entire challenge. Thanks, but I am actually watching the show. Miguel is freaking out over the salt substitution. He comes over to help Andrea make his original dish, and she (very kindly, considering last week) tries to work out ways he could work around his mistake. She suggests just putting together a cheese plate and forgetting the sorbet, which is probably the only thing he can do in this scenario. Tom checks in. He asks Harold how the dessert's going. "Fuck if I know," Harold responds. Tom tells him Stephen thinks it'll be fine, and Harold says "I'm glad he's confident." Heh. Harold's totally winging it. Tom asks Miguel what kind of cheese he's using. Miguel has to call over to Lee Anne to ask what it is. I'm certainly not familiar with fourme d'ambert, but the fact that he stumbles over the name in front of a judge makes him even more flustered than he was before. He's falling apart. Andrea interviews that because the dish Miguel is in charge of is such a mess, he wanted something of his to turn out right. So he comes over and basically takes over the preparation of his own recipe from Andrea, leaving her only the latkes to prepare. Tiffani's a little miffed about this, though I can't tell if it's because she thinks Andrea is shirking her duty or because she thinks Andrea's leaving herself open for some harsh criticism later.
The guests arrive. There are ten minutes left until dinner starts, and everyone goes into hysterical mode in the kitchen. Ted schmoozes, and tells some guests to have no qualms about expressing their honest opinions about the food. The guests are seated and toast Ted. Stephen shows off his mad phat wine-opening skillz by popping the cork with a large knife. Andrea and Miguel serve the scallop/caviar platter. Shockingly, Andrea does not tell the assembled guests that they'll be able to take a nice crap after the meal. Ted and Tom are not happy about the fact that the latkes are lukewarm. Harold says that he actually prepared what Stephen was in charge of (Dave's soup), because Stephen was helping out so much on the dessert. Dave is pissed about this in an interview, sniping that if this is how it's going to work out, he'll just have Lee Anne cook his food from here on out, and he'll take the credit. I can't believe I'm about to defend Stephen, but here we go. First of all, it's completely within the rules to work as a team on this challenge, so it's not like they're going behind anyone's backs for this. Secondly, Dave is trying to make this about rules and competition, but it seems to me that he's just jealous that other people are working together and benefiting, leaving him out. We already know that he's not very fond of either Harold or Stephen, so it's like he's recasting his high school days with him as the poor victim and Harold and Stephen as the asshole jocks. I could be wrong, but if I'm not, this prissy snit is extremely unattractive. The soup is drank as a shot, and everyone seems to like it a lot.
Dave presents his fish and is blathering loudly and quickly. He's really nervous, and is doing that shoulder roll thing again. Ted asks if someone can slip Dave a glass of wine, presumably so he'll calm the fuck down. Dave goes back into the kitchen as the guests begin the fish course. Tom hates it. Lee Anne interviews that she's nervous, because pasta's not exactly her strong suit. She serves the duck and fig-stuffed gnocchi. Everyone loves it. Tom says he likes it, but in a tone of voice that suggests that he's disappointed that he doesn't have anything to complain about. Have I mentioned that I don't much care for Tom? He's not fit to wipe Tim Gunn's shoes. Tiffani serves the meat. It's fairly rare, which I enjoy, so it looks good to me. Everyone looks very happy with it. In the kitchen, Lee Anne tries to help Miguel salvage something of the mess he's made of her recipe. He asks her the name of the cheese again. He's still unhappy, but goes out to present the cheese. There's a beet salad on the side now, to take the place of the sorbet. He stumbles over the name of the cheese again. Oh, dear. Everyone likes the homemade cracker, but not much else about it. Harold's concerned, because Stephen is devoting more time to wine serving than helping him out with dessert. Harold serves it. There's a black-tea-infused milk chocolate soup, something or other made out of white chocolate, and chocolate flourless cake. The guests like the first taste of the chocolate soup, but then decide it's too rich to continue with. The flourless cake is more popular, though someone says it's a bit dry. The chefs are summoned into the dining room, and are applauded. Ted thanks them, and everyone toasts everyone else and has a drink. They're dismissed so that the judges can deliberate.
Commercials. Does anyone really watch that housewives in Orange County show? I can feel myself getting stupider just by watching the promos.
The guests have vanished. KatieBot asks Ted for his impressions. He says he was impressed with the teamwork, and that the food tasted fairly good across the board, so the winner and loser may have to be chosen from presentation alone. Gail and Tom agree. Gail goes on to say that the dessert was too rich for her. Tom says that the dessert was a difficult one, and he had much bigger problems with Dave's fish, or rather the vegetables beneath them. In the waiting room, people try to comfort Miguel by asking him how he's doing, and he repays their kindness by snapping rudely at them. I'm no fun to be around after a bad day, either, but these people's intentions are good. Bad mood or not - shut the fuck up, Miguel. KatieBot comes in, and asks to see Tiffani, Lee Anne, and Stephen at the judges' table. Once they're seated, Gail tells Stephen she loved the soup, which of course he had nothing to do with. Tiffani had two minor problems with her beef (something about over-resting and undercooked onions), but overall, it turned out really well. Ted tells Lee Anne that her flavors were unified, and the duck was magnificent. KatieBot announces the winner...Lee Anne. Yay! In an interview, she gives credit to Tiffani for coming up with such a good recipe. I love Lee Anne.
KatieBot asks the top three how they think things worked out in the kitchen. Lee Anne tells them about the salt/sugar mixup. Tom pulls his usual jerk move by asking if they were to choose someone to be eliminated, who would it be? Actually, he doesn't even ask them to supply a name, but openly asks if they think Miguel should be booted. Lee Anne opens with her usual diplomacy by saying that it'd be a tough call. Tiffani leaps right in and says that yes, Miguel should be eliminated, since he was flailing so much tonight. Stephen says that Miguel's meltdown was unfortunate, but that he thinks there are weaker people overall in the competition. Tiffani makes a face at this. Tom asks who he means, and he says Andrea and Dave. Wow, I called that one. Tiffani shakes her head, because Stephen's not falling in with her line of thinking. Lee Anne tries to pull Miguel out of the fire a bit by saying that he did the best that he could out of her original vision. The top three are dismissed. They come back into the waiting area. Lee Anne modestly reports her win, then tell them that the judges want to see Dave, Miguel, and Andrea. Dave's already crying. Harold's pleased with being in the middle of the pack, given his lack of experience with desserts.
The bottom three seat themselves at the losers' table. Gail, pretty gently under the circumstances, tells Dave about her problems with his vegetables. He's about ready to burst into tears again. She asks him what his feelings were when he drew the fish dish. He says his main concern was keeping it light, and trying to do justice to Andrea's intentions. Good answer. Ted thinks that Dave was so worried about Andrea's vision that he didn't put enough of his own style into the dish. Dave tries very hard to keep the tears back. He succeeds, but his voice is wavering, and he almost begs not to be eliminated, saying he knows he can do better. Tom says he appreciates that, but they have to judge on the food. Miguel admits to his problems from the start. He fails to remember the cheese's name yet again. He really does deserve to get eliminated tonight. He tells the judges about his salt/sugar thing, but says that he thinks he regrouped from that well. Tom gleefully stirs up shit by telling Miguel that Lee Anne and Tiffani thought he was an absolute mess, and that Tiffani suggested he be eliminated. I hate Tom. Lee Anne said NOTHING OF THE KIND, you goddamn, lying fuck knuckle. Miguel's angry, but holds it in, saying he disagrees and that it just shows that they think he's a threat to them. He's wrong, but how else do you respond to a statement like that? Tom tells Andrea she's at the table because she only did one thing, and messed up that one thing by serving the latkes cold. She agrees. Ted tries to get her to describe something that she brought to the dish, and is not satisfied with the response about scallions. He feels she didn't even try to impress the guests or judges. The bottom three are dismissed.
They come back into the waiting area. The other chefs see the look on Miguel's face and ask what's going on. He says he heard that a couple of people said that he should go home, and wants to hear why. He sounds very composed at this point, but since he knows very well what his issues were tonight, he's really just picking a fight. Tiffani cops to her statement, saying that she feels he made some novice mistakes in the kitchen. She adds that she never said that she felt it was his time to go home. That's skirting awfully close to a lie. She never volunteered that opinion, but she certainly gave it when asked. Miguel calls her on it, saying that Tom said she did, and asking if she's calling Tom a liar. Miguel? Tom IS a liar. Not about this, but still. Dave is crying. I really hope he's crying about possibly getting eliminated, and not this stupid spat. Lee Anne rolls her eyes at these ridiculous people. I feel you, Lee Anne. Miguel keeps shouting Tiffani down before she can answer his question about Tom being a liar. He asks for a yes or no answer. Again before she can give one, he asks another question. Is Tiffani threatened by him? This one she's got an answer for, and it's not the one he's looking for. No, she's not, and since he's unable to hold a civil conversation, she's taking herself out of it. He vows some, I don't know, personal vendetta against her, calls her a snake, and makes a hissing noise. He's convinced he's won the argument, but she just giggles, because that was a totally lame burn.
Back at the judges' table, Gail says that Miguel's dish was "unorganized", by which she means "disorganized". And she's a writer. Shame on her. She does say again that she really liked the cracker, but that everything else about it was a mess. The other judges agree. Ted says that Dave needs to get his emotions under control, and that you can't ever get anything accomplished if you're always freaking out about your feelings. I agree. Andrea didn't put enough effort into anything. The judges feel she doesn't really care enough. All she did was open a tin of caviar and make cold latkes. The judges reach their decision.
Commercials. Buy a Kenmore dishwasher, and please ignore that scene in tonight's episode where one of them spewed suds all over the kitchen.
The bottom three come back to the table. Dave didn't put enough personality into his dish. Miguel created havoc in the kitchen. Andrea is lazy or something. ANDREA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. She thanks the judges. Miguel leans across and says he's sorry to see her go, because she's been a true friend. This is one of those instances where writing down his words doesn't convey one-tenth of his tone, so I'll try to write down the undercurrents of what he was really saying. "Andrea, I'm sorry it has to be you going, and not that bitch Tiffani. You've been a true friend to me because you didn't put up a fight when I betrayed you to the judges. By the way, me betraying you to the judges was fine. Tiffani betraying me to the judges is pure evil." Andrea comes back to the waiting area to say good-bye. Lee Anne tells her how glad she was to have her back. She even shares a stiff hug with Stephen. Tiffani interviews that the contestants are there for different reasons. "Not everyone's here to win. Some people are here for the impact they make in other people's lives." That's very astute. Andrea promises to keep on working to improve people's diets. Aw, she was fun.
Overall Grade: B-
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