It's Like There's A Party In Bryant Park, And Everyone's Invited!

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 11

Previously on Project Runway: Nothing! Those bastards took a week off, and nobody told me! Instead of the last episode, we get a summary of each of our four finalists and their challenge wins throughout the season. Poor, forgotten Kayne. Four designers remain. Who will be out tonight? I said... WHO WILL BE OUT TONIGHT?

Opening credits. Aw, look at Bonnie struttin' her stuff. Poor, forgotten Bonnie.

New York. Uli interviews that the final four are all really strong designers, and it's really tough that one of them won't make it to the finals. I said... ONE OF THEM WON'T MAKE IT TO THE FINALS. Jeffrey tries to rouse Michael out of bed. I now think I've seen Jeffrey shirtless more times than I've seen myself shirtless, and I don't appreciate it. Jeffrey says he's got a good shot at getting into the final three. I said... FINAL THREE. He goes on to say that each of the four of them does something very specific and different. Uli does "peasant blouses, big and flowy". Michael does "run-of-the-mill, friendly fashion". Er, I don't think I'd describe Michael's designs as run-of-the-mill. Sure, they are to Jeffrey, because the man couldn't do a straight seam if his Bedazzled sunglasses depended on it. Laura's designs are akin to "mothballs and chicken soup". Chicken soup? Because ill people like low cut cocktail gowns? He laughs at his own hilarity, of course, and says that if you want to "live dangerously", he'll be in the finals. You sexy, sexy, rebel. You and Megg. You're totally HARDCORE. Laura's overdue win has given her the boost she feels she needs to make it to the end. Michael feels he was meant to do this, and wills himself into the finals.

Runway. Heidi comes out holding the velvet bag. Yay, velvet bag! She tells the designers that the next challenge is the big one, because it will decide which three of them will make it to Olympus Fashion Week. I said... WHICH THREE OF THEM WILL MAKE IT TO OLYMPUS FASHION WEEK. They'll meet with Nina tomorrow morning to hear about the challenge, but first, we've got some models to cut. All seven of them come out, which seems a bit weird to me. You'd think Clarissa and Jia (currently still Javi, due to Jia's bicycle accident) would be automatically out after last week. I begin to glaze over a little bit, because each of these four designers have had remarkable success with their current model, so there's no way they're going to switch. Since Laura won the last challenge, she gets to pick first. She sticks with Camilla. Heidi picks Uli's button out of the bag. "Sorry, Lindsay, but I'm going to go with Nazri." Oh, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn! Lindsay does a perfect eyebrow raise, like, "you bitch". Nazri walks off with a tight smile. Michael looks over at Uli, and says "I'm gonna kill you," but not in an overly mean way. He interviews that Uli's switching was fucked up, and I have to agree. Uli makes no apologies in an interview, saying she has to do everything she can to make her outfit look stunning. Remember, this is the second time she's stolen Nazri (and dumped Lindsay), so she must have been wanting to do this for a while. Michael picks Clarissa, which I find surprising. If you need to pick from the dregs, why not Amanda? She's a great model! Jeffrey's the last one. He sticks with Marilinda, so Javi (who couldn't care less), Amanda (who makes a face like "They didn't pick me? I don't understand!"), and Lindsay (crap, I love her) are out. Uli calls out a soft "I'm sorry, Lindsay!" as she leaves the runway. Lindsay blows her a kiss, which is about as friendly as the ones given in The Godfather. Heidi dismisses the designers, and you can see Uli turn to Michael to apologize or beg for forgiveness or spit in his face, but the camera cuts away. Damn. Hooray for exciting model selections! Bless you, velvet bag!

Morning. Laura is excited to finally have some one-on-one interaction with Nina. They get to her office, which is wide and spacious, and has a great view of the city. She gives a short speech about fashion editorial pictures, and then outlines the challenge. The designers will make an outfit of their own choosing. It has to convey a strong point of view, and tell a story of some type, but beyond that, the designers have absolute creative freedom. Uli interviews that creative freedom is great, but she's gotten used to having strict guidelines. Nina hands them each an index card on which they have to write three words describing themselves as a fashion designer. The words should connect to the outfit they create. They all thank Nina, and toddle off to the workroom. Tim tells them they don't have to fill out the cards just yet; they just have to be done before the runway show. Half an hour to sketch, $250 budget, and two days to finish. He leaves with an admonition to wow the judges. As Jeffrey sketches, he interviews that he knows the judges are used to a certain type of look from him, so he's going to take a big risk and try something different and romantic. Uli's not sure what to do, and says she'll work with what she finds in the fabric store. Laura decides to just stick with what she knows how to do best. Michael interviews that he usually sketches a bunch of different ideas, one of which will pop out at him. None of them are popping this time. He's worried about getting stuck.

Time to shop for fabric. Uli finds yet another crazy print. Mood should just put all of their prints in one area, and call it the Uli Section from now on. She interviews that she knows exactly what she's going to do with it, and is completely adorable. Back at the workroom, Michael is still uninspired. Uli asks if he knows what he's going to do, and he replies in the negative, but keeps on plugging. Uli seems genuinely concerned about Michael, and Michael seems to have no hard feelings towards Uli. This is a refreshing change from the acrimony that went down the last time a model was stolen. Good for them. Michael wants to push himself beyond what he normally does, but doesn't want to take it too far. Later, Laura and Jeffrey are in the sewing room. Jeffrey interviews that what something that makes a good designer is range, which he doesn't feel that Laura has. I agree that Laura sticks to a certain aesthetic, but... So do you, Jeffrey. Just because it's a messier aesthetic doesn't mean that it's any wider. This would be like Rob Schneider accusing Jude Law of always playing the same part. I mean... Yes, he does, but you're Rob Schneider.

Back in the workroom, a harp trill and kooky music brings us to Uli. Her dress is currently draped as a "kitchen dress", which is apparently some sort of German garment. She thinks it looks weird. "Why is it weird? It looks just like every other dress you did," Laura says. Meow! She abandons Uli soon after to go work on her own dress. Uli asks Jeffrey to come try her dress on, and he says no, because it'll make him look fat. And I have to say that the way he delivered that line was extremely funny and charming. He does eventually agree, comes over, drapes Uli's wild fabric over himself, and charges her like a bull. Heh. I like this Jeffrey. Can't we have had him for the past couple of months? In less cheery news, Uli's dress looks like crap. With four hours left in Day One, Michael finally gets an idea he's happy with. It'll be a plunging neckline gown with interwoven strips of fabric. Sounds good. He's charged. Tim checks in after a short work montage. He tells Jeffrey that his dress is "unexpected". Jeffrey takes this to mean that Tim is about ready to lay down and weep at its brilliance, which...no. Laura's a little worried that her dress is too safe. Michael gets the warning that he can't just make a pretty dress. It has to be special. Tim tells Uli that her outfits have become extremely predictable. He tells her to do something surprising, while retaining her identity in the outfit. I always hate that critique. Be you, except completely different! It reminds me of that Simpsons quote when Agnes Skinner tells the supermarket bagboy that she wants all her groceries in one bag, but doesn't want the bag to be heavy. Uli's worried. Work montage. With one hour left, Uli decides to rip her dress apart and start all over. Normally, that would worry me, but with the state her outfit's in now, she's got nowhere to go but up. Laura's anxious for her, but says "Go for it, Ules," which is hilarious. Uli interviews in faux-announcer style "Coming up, Uli doesn't finish her dress. But watch what happens on Project Runway." Hehehehe. I love her. Time runs out on Day One.

Commercials. Six Feet Under is coming to Bravo. Wait, if they can't say "fuck", won't every episode be, like, fourteen minutes long?

Morning. Michael recaps the challenge. Uli tells us she's in big trouble, because she has to start over from scratch. Laura tells her she's only got one day to finish instead of two. Um...thanks, Laura. She's German; she's not an idiot. Everyone heads for the workroom. As they enter, Uli hopes that by some trick of magic, her dress will be done. No such luck. Tim enters to make an announcement. He tells the designers that the winning design will be shot by Gilles Bensimon and featured in Elle's "First Look" page. Laura gasps at Gilles' name, as if he hasn't been whoring his work out to America's Next Top Model for years. Everyone is thrilled by the prize, because being seen in Elle is obviously great exposure. Tim has more news, which isn't quite so welcome. At 5:00 PM, the models will arrive, and the designers will dress them in their outfits, take them out into the city, and take photos of them for an hour. Which means Day Two is cut in half. Uli pulls a face, as well she should. She says she has to stop playing around with different styles, and just decide on something. Michael's feeling the time crunch, too.

This segment was shot on Father's Day, and Jeffrey gets a video message from his girlfriend and son. He misses them. With one hour left, everyone is sewing madly. Laura's so tired of beading she wants to lay down and die. Uli says she works better under pressure. Hey, me too. I did an entire semester's lab notebook (and got ready for the final test and lab practical) for Invertebrate Zoology in one night. Not that I relive past glories (that got me an A) or anything. There's a line from Laura about Jeffrey's garment that is so obviously patched together from about seventy different quotes, that she could have been talking about anything. Jeffrey's a little anxious, because there is no real bottom to this challenge. You have to do well, or you won't go to Olympus Fashion week. I said... YOU WON'T GO TO OLYMPUS FASHION WEEK. Time runs out, and Tim brings the models in. Michael says he's not worried about the model switch, but is a little concerned that he has to pin the straps on for now. Laura's almost blind from beading all day.

Everyone goes out into the city for one hour to shoot pictures. Apparently we skipped the part where the models got their hair done, unless Clarissa's hair spontaneously fuses itself into shape from time to time. Michael shoots her in front of a mirror in some building's lobby. Jeffrey takes pictures of Marilinda in Central Park. With half an hour left, Laura is back at the Atlas with Camilla. Her idea is to shoot Camilla inside the elevator, but the elevator has a job to do, and it has no time to deal with the likes of Laura. Every time she steps out to take the picture, the doors slide shut. She tries about five times before mouthing "fuck" and tells Camilla they'll just go do something else. You should be thanking that elevator, Laura. Not only is it dedicated to its job, but it would have been an ugly picture. She takes pictures of Camilla smilingly hailing a cab, instead. Much better. With ten minutes left, Uli takes pictures of Nazri playing along with a street band they've found. Sweet. They head back.

Commercials. New season of Top Chef coming up! With a human host! That's a start. Now just get rid of Ptom, and we'll have the perfect show.

Workroom. The designers have one hour to pick the three words for their sheet, and to choose the photo that will go onto it as well. Laura finds a nice one of Camilla. Her three words are "glamour", "confidence", and "elegance". Good choices. I'd say Laura is consistently good at achieving all three of those. Jeffrey goes with "provocative", "irreverence", and "romantic". His picture is of Marilinda in a hansom cab in Central Park. Well, that's certainly irreverent. Only several thousand people do that every year. Uli selects a picture of Nazri holding drumsticks, with the band jamming behind her. Her words are "fun", "life", and "adventure". She feels they're very representative of her and the women who would wear her clothes. She draws a cartoon squiggle and sun on her sheet. Hee. Michael selects a fairly boring shot of Clarissa posing in front of the mirror. His three words are "sexiness", "sensuality", and "sultry". Um...Michael? Those are all basically the same thing. Uli's worried for Michael, saying his shot makes Clarissa looks like those ads in magazines, all "I'm alone at home, please call me at 1-800-whatever...you know, these sex ads". Hehehe. Jeffrey agrees that Michael has made the weakest dress of the four. He also disdains the three words Michael has chosen, calling them stupid. I hate to side with Jeffrey over Michael, but yeah. Tim comes to kick them out.

Morning. Shot of Jeffrey. Shirtless, of course. Laura is exhausted from all of the challenges, especially with the whole pregnancy thing. Michael says that winning the challenge is secondary to making it to Bryant Park. Tim greets them at the workroom. He tells them that he's very proud of all of them, but that the judges are going to be extra critical this week. They have two hours to prep their models. They come in. Jeffrey reiterates that the judges have a doom-and-gloom opinion of him, but he's really a romantic at heart. First of all, these "risks" he's taken, and "changes" he's made? Well, we'll get to that at the runway show. But the judges never said he's doom-and-gloom. They said he never makes anything elegant; that everything has a rocker edge that he's never shown he's capable of softening. That's not the same thing. Uli makes some minor changes to the dress. The models get made up. Michael likes the way Clarissa looks. Jeffrey is nervous. Laura compliments Camilla, who looks like she's about to vomit. Michael's insides are like "porridge". Uli's gonna fight to get to Bryant Park. Laura's excited. Gee, this is a lot of buildup. I'm on the edge of my seat to see who won't make it to Bryant Park. I said... WHO WON'T MAKE IT TO BRYANT PARK.

Commercials. Wow, not just a war movie, but a war movie with Ryan Phillippe. Throw in a couple of scenes with bees, and it's essentially my nightmare.

Runway. Heidi comes out, looking fantastic. She congratulates the final four for making it this far. She recaps the challenge, and introduces the judges. The guest judge is Teri Agins, lead fashion writer for the Wall Street Journal. Now, Teri seems absolutely delightful, well put together, intelligent, and articulate. That said, I trust fashion advice from the Wall Street Journal about as much as I trust the movie reviews in Newsweek. Heidi says that after tonight, one of the designers will be named the winner, and one of them will be out. I said... ONE OF THEM WILL BE OUT. Let's start the show.

First up is Marilinda, in Jeffrey's dress. Yeah, about those "risks" and "differences"? I don't see them. Looks like a typical Jeffrey dress to me. And I don't like it. The top is sleeveless, shimmering blue with dots of white around the neckline. There's a red belt, and a frilly white skirt with dragonflies or some such on it. I guess those whimsical bugs are the "romantic" side Jeffrey was talking about. In true fashion of not being able to hide seams, the waist of the skirt is as frilly and foofy as the bottom. Give Marilinda some blonde braids, and I'd be wondering when she's going to offer me some cocoa.

Next is Camilla, in Laura's dress. She certainly wasn't kidding when she said she was going to stick with what she knew. Plunging neckline cocktail dress. As usual, it's extremely technically proficient and very cute. It's a champagne sort of color with flapperesque spangles at the bottom. If the judges are looking for a distinct point of view, Laura's in good shape. If the judges are looking for range and risk-taking, she's in trouble. Next is Nazri, in Uli's dress. She looks gorgeous. It's a blue print dress with tie-dye circles on it, but the circles go around the side of Nazri's body, so from the front, it looks like an hourglass. There's a small keyhole in the front; just enough to show a little skin, and a full choker attached to the dress. It's not long. It's not flowy. It is, in effect, an Uli dress without the Uli predictability, which is exactly what Tim advised. Yay! Finally, Clarissa, in Michael's dress. I really like the color, which is a deep plum. The interwoven straps at the waist are cute, and he has a keyhole that is much larger than Uli's was. I'm now intimately acquainted with Clarissa's boobs, which brings us to the dress' main problem. It's a little...hoochie.

The designers step onto the runway. Scores are tallied. Words and photos are reviewed. The models emerge. We start with Laura tonight. She tells the story of Camilla on her way to an event, and she's confident enough...to hail a cab. New Yorkers will have to help me out on this one, but hailing a cab? An act of confidence? Nina finds the dress beautiful, but unsurprising. Michael Kors agrees, adding that if Laura is going to stick to cocktail gowns, she's got to broaden the scope of what that means. Teri likes the dress because it's commercial, but it has no editorial benefits. Everyone's seen it before. Michael. He doesn't really have a story, just saying that his dresses are made to command attention; they are the story. Michael Kors says that it's pretty, but there's no real look behind it. Heidi feels the keyhole isn't executed well and is unflattering. Teri thinks Michael's quest for sexiness went a little too far. Nina feels that Michael's previous work was much better as far as presenting a point of view. Uli. She explains her normal aesthetic; the fun and vibrant kind of lifestyle. Heidi loves the dress, saying that Uli's used a new shape. Teri says that it's fresh. Nina is thrilled that Uli's broken out of her rut. Jeffrey. He says the dress brings heirlooms to mind. Teri says the dress looks dowdy in his picture. Michael thinks the dress is too pretty to be provocative. Nina is confused by the design, and Heidi feels it lacks sophistication. She says it looks like Marilinda should be milking a cow. Zing! The designers are sent off.

Deliberations. Michael doesn't realize what his strengths are. Heidi points out that his words are all the same thing. Jeffrey tried to surprise the judges, but came out with an amateur product that didn't relate to his three words. Heidi would wear all of the dresses Laura has made, but doesn't want twelve versions of the same dress coming down the runway at Fashion Week. Michael says that if he sees beads and feathers attached to the hem of every dress she makes, he'll scream. That'll liven up the show! Nina feels she may evolve. Uli hit it out of the park, and her picture was great. Michael Kors says that the choice will be hard, because each of them has a distinct voice. The designers are brought back out. Heidi tells them that a lot of them had trouble with this challenge, and it made it "difficult" to decide who should go to Fashion Week. More on this in a moment.

This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: Sunday brunch crowds are usually the pits. But everyone was smilingly friendly and helpful today. I think the fact that I was lugging my nephew around may have contributed. Perhaps I should rent a baby once in a while.

Elimination. I said... ELIMINATION. Uli was the only person who got the challenge right, and she wins. She gets the First Look page in Elle, and is guaranteed a spot at Fashion Week. Yay! Michael congratulates her as she skips off happily. Laura has a strong point of view, but the judges are afraid she's one-note. Jeffrey tried to break out of being one-note, and failed at it. Michael confused the judges by making an evening gown instead of sportswear. Laura is in, but is admonished not to make twelve plunging necklines. When she goes backstage, Uli jumps up to congratulate her. "How do you know I made it?" Laura teases. "You must have made it!" Uli prods. "I did!" Hugs. Aw. And hehehehe. That leaves Jeffrey and Michael. And they're both... In. They look at each other like, "Huh?" They thank the judges and walk off. They run back to share the news and more hugs are shared; even between Laura and Jeffrey. No, really. Tim is really pleased to keep all four of them. Laura is interested to see the four shows, and is ready to handle the show while hugely pregnant. Uli is confident. Tim is thrilled some more. OK, so...

The Good: Four extremely different designers will make for a really interesting finale. These four people could not have more different aesthetics, so the ultimate winner will be the viewers, because they get to see such a full range to choose the season's champion from (all four would show anyway, since the person who would have been eliminated tonight would show a decoy line at Fashion Week to avoid having the public know who got cut; Bravo viewers would just have to do a little digging to see this decoy line). Really, winning the show is almost incidental. The money and car are nice, but you'll note that Danzzz and Kara got tons of exposure just from showing, so in essence, all of these people have won already. So it doesn't really matter that nobody was eliminated.

The Bad: Have we not been told week after week after week after week after week how important making the final three is? That people were brought back to compete after being eliminated because they wanted to ensure the best final three competitors? I mean, look up. Even in this episode, tons of references were made to the fact that someone was going to be cut. As I said in the short version, someone losing is...kind of the entire point of competition. And while I'm ultimately happy to see all four lines, I really don't appreciate this blatant switch at the end, just so... Well, see below. In short, go ahead and play Gotcha! with the designers, Bravo. But not with us. Plus, no eliminated contestant this week. Nor next week. Nor the week after that. Jeez, I don't spend this much time with my family!

The Conspiracy: I'm not a huge conspiracy nut, I swear. I do believe that Santino was spared on purpose, despite being fairly clearly the worst design of the week. I suspect (though much less strongly) that Alison was cut so that Vincent could hang around to be crazy. But for the most part, I believe that the judges really feel the winner was the best and the eliminated designer was the worst. BUT. Here's what I think happened here. Had Uli done anything but what she did (that is, fucking rule the challenge), she would have been automatically cut. That would follow the general Bravo protocol: Nice guy/girl finishes fourth. Final three composed of two likable, deserving, wildly different people, and one asshole whose loss we gleefully celebrate. Observe:

Project Runway - Season 1
4th - Austin (Nice guy)
3rd - Wendy (Evil bitch)
2nd - Kara Saun (black - straight - female)
1st - Jay (white - gay - male)

Project Runway - Season 2
4th - Kara (Nice girl)
3rd - Santino (Evil bitch)
2nd - Danzzz (white - gay - male)
1st - Chloe (Asian - straight - female)

Top Chef - Season 1
4th - Lee Anne (Nice girl)
3rd - Dave (white - gay - male)
2nd - Tiffani (Evil bitch)
1st - Harold - (white - straight - male)

See the pattern? Uli is our blameless nice girl. Her head was on the platter from the word "Go" tonight. But horrors! Blameless nice girl actually pulled an awesome design out; one that the judges/producers could not justify cutting. So they deservedly give her the win, and good for them. But what now? Who do they cut? They can't cut the likable, deserving, wildly different people nor the asshole. So they cheat. They figure all four are going to show anyway, so why not just make it official? And while I am not upset that all four are going to show, this does upset me a bit on Uli's behalf. She beat them fair and square. One of them should get eliminated for it. She certainly would have been had they beaten her.

Next week on Project Runway: Reunion! And it looks just as deliciously catty as the last one! Keith thinks his ejection was unfair. Douchebag. The whole mom issue is dragged up again. Vincent can't help but get all hard every time his clothing is mentioned. Malan giggles again. Someone wins $10,000 for being a "fan favorite". Two predictions: it won't be my favorite, and it won't be Stacey.

Overall Grade: B-

The Girl Who Hates Her Hair

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 2

Previously on America's Next Top Model: 13 girls with varying tragic pasts and questionable sobriety moved into the model pad, which was decorated top to bottom with pictures of Tyra. There's probably a picture of her pasted on each girl's toothbrush. Monique was a snotty bitch, but OJ preferred to focus on Melrose's attitude, which caused her to...ask for her makeup to be retouched. Horrors! Michelle rocked her bulimia picture, which Tyra's voice-over is just a leeeeetle too proud about. Christian wanted to emulate Tyra in every way possible, and was the first eliminated. That's got to mean something, but I'm not sure what. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I'm only going to mention them this week, because Tyra has shoehorned even more of herself into the show by singing in a little dance remix version of the credits, which sound fucking horrible. Oh, and Amanda and Michelle don't get separate credits, but have to share a screen, presumably because that makes room for another shot of Tyra.

Model pad. Michelle and Megan practice their walks on the runway in the living room. They really like each other, which is our first of many hints tonight that Michelle and Amanda may differ in a very important way. Let's just say they eat in different sections of the restaurant. Melrose has had the fear of God put into her (well, the fear of Tyra, which is the same thing on this show), and promises to work hard. Out in the hot tub, Monique trash talks Melrose to Eugena. Why are these two hanging out? Weren't they just fighting about the bed situation? Some lame Tyra Mail lets the girls in on the fact that they'll be having breakfast with the two Jays. The next morning, there are alarm clocks going off all over the house, which pisses Monique off because it's not like she needs to wake up at the same time as everyone else. Except she totally does. She whines about it. Anchal interviews that she can't stand Monique's bitchiness. I'd just let her sleep and leave without her.

Breakfast. It's boring, except that the girls thought they'd be getting their makeovers, and Miss J says that girls are always excited for them, but someone always busts out crying. Well, that's because you always intentionally make someone ugly so that they'll cry. Jaeda says "My hair grows so fast, I don't care. Shave it." This is what's known as an editor's wet dream. OJ blathers a lot of bullshit that amounts to the fact that he thinks the girls should rely on past tragedies to find that place of vulnerability when they model. Sure, your mom was a smack-addicted prostitute, but use the pain to work that bikini, girl! Really, the whole point of the breakfast was to get the girls out of the house for a while. When they get back, Tyra holds the door closed for way too long for it to be funny. We get it, Tyra. She pops out like a freaky jack-in-the-box, and the girls squeal like they're meeting Elvis. Oh my GOD, with the squealing. It's Tyra. You see her every seven minutes. The living room has been turned into an impromptu salon. Makeover time! Tyra introduces the stylist, Frederic. She tells each of the girls the style that they'll be getting, and emphasizes her descriptions by whipping the cloth off of a cheesy Six Flags-ish caricature of each of them. Snerk. The last picture to be revealed is Jaeda's. She looks worried, as well she should be. We know what the last girl always gets. Uglified, baby! She's having her hair sliced off to resemble the short style that Halle Berry once had. Yeah, you know what the difference is? Halle Berry is gorgeous, and Jaeda looks like a man. The girls will model their new looks in metallic swimsuits.

Go! Jaeda is already crying. Hehehehe. Brooke confidently tells her that she's going to look good. I think I'm getting to like Brooke. Meanwhile, Monique complains (I know, I'm surprised too) to Eugena that they're not doing enough to her. She doesn't want to look the same. Megg has gotten long, curly extensions. She looks better. Of course she interviews that she can do more headbanging with this style, because we all know how HARDCORE she is. Anchal is having her hair yanked out to give her a larger forehead. It obviously hurts like fuck, but she doesn't complain. I think I'm getting to like Anchal, too. After her hair is shortened and layered a bit, she's done. Her swimsuit shot is amazing. Melrose is going blonde, and she's not thrilled about it. She doesn't burst into tears or anything, but tells OJ that she thinks her hair "pops out" more with darker features. CariDee (which I've been typing incorrectly up until now, but am not interested enough to go back and fix) seemingly takes offense that not everyone wants to be blonde, but AJ says that in Melrose's position, she wouldn't want to be blonde either. Brooke has had her blonde hair dyed chocolate brown. She looks fine, but it's not a drastic improvement or anything. Michelle says she never really thought that much about her hair, because she's bad at "girly" things. Hint number two that Michelle may be more of a seafood fan than her sister. She looks good with wavy, auburn hair. Amanda's a little disappointed that they don't look alike anymore, and now they won't be able to trick people. Heh. She's gotten red hair, too, but it's darker and straight. She looks good, though I think Michelle looks better.

Jaeda begins to bawl as OJ takes the first snip at her hair. After it's been cut down, one of the stylists whines to OJ that he wishes she'd calm down. Well, terrible stylist, let's make you look (more) ridiculous and send you out into the world. We'll see how calm you are. Jaeda says that she doesn't like her short style, because it's taken away her femininity. Well, she says she's lost her "girlish thing goin' on." Honey, I think you lost your girlish thing a long time ago. She does, indeed, look silly with the shorter hair, though at least her boobs look good in the photo. That's something. CariDee's hair is still blonde, but it's longer and about fourteen times more voluminous. It's a little too '80s mall girl for my tastes. Eugena has gotten wavy extensions. She looks fine. Now get better taste in friends, please. Megan's short hair has been made icy blonde. I don't like it very much, but she seems pleased with it. Melrose cries while she awaits her makeover, and OJ puts this down to her being a control freak. Actually, between her plea for people to do their dishes, her house meeting about shower times, and her first interview tonight, in which she can be seen organizing spices or something, he's probably right. I don't know why her being anal-retentive makes me like her a little more, but it does. She looks so-so as a blonde. I agree with her that dark hair suits her better.

AJ tells Frederic that she doesn't like her lighter color and asks for a darker shade. I wasn't under the impression that she gets a say in the matter, but it appears as if he complies. She really doesn't look that much different when he's done; it's just a bit shorter and less spiky. Monique is upstairs crying on the toilet, because nobody's ever seen her without her weave. Wait, wasn't she just bitching five minutes ago about how she wished she could have a more drastic makeover? Is this girl completely schizophrenic? The Jays go up to talk to her and she says she's having a bad day. Keep in mind this is about twenty minutes after breakfast. She actually expects sympathy for being woken up by the alarm clocks. OJ rolls his eyes, and this is about the only time in history when I totally sympathize with him. He duhs to Monique that she's getting a new weave, and coaxes her downstairs. In fairness, she looks great after her makeover. Now, I can understand that seven seasons of girls whining about trivial shit would get on someone's nerves. But I don't care about OJ's nerves, so the next scene of him interviewing about the girls being ungrateful in a ridiculously self-righteous tone is irritating. Dude, you give the girls drastic makeovers for the drama it elicits. You have some gall to be all up in arms for them responding exactly the way they're supposed to. Douchebag. He goes in and "tells the girls off", which is in quotes because he's really, really bad at it. He leaves the pad, and AJ laughs at him behind his back, which is awesome. Commercials.

When we return, Megan's still in her bikini, and she's on the phone with her girlfriend. Aha! I knew Michelle liked her for a reason! Megan tells her girlfriend about her new ice blonde color, and gleefully reports the other girls' getting yelled at for being whiny twits. Jaeda and AJ hate their hair, but Megg loves hers, saying it works with every outfit as she plays air guitar. Because she's HARDCORE. Some Tyra Mail causes the girls to squeal in excitement again. I don't think pig farms have this much squealing. The Tyra Mail reads "True queens are natural beauties that don't need make-up to make it to the top...so don't wear any tomorrow. Got it!!!???" Was that "Got it!!!???" really necessary? And CariDee says "today" instead of "tomorrow" as if the Tyra Mail weren't just shown on-screen. So she was fed that line to give the impression the photo shoot is happening right away, when it's really the next day. Is this crappy editing because of the strike? Are these people new?

The Monster Escalade drops the girls off at an office building, where they head to the lobby to meet OJ, who looks just as hideous as ever. He tells the girls that today they have the opportunity to "make it up to him" for the tears they shed yesterday. In a way, it's kind of impressive that someone could make me want to punch him after almost every single sentence he utters. Anyway, it's time for a challenge. OJ introduces the line of cosmetics that Queen Latifah "created" for women of color. Listen, I love Queen Latifah. She's one of the few people I'm more than willing to accept as both a musician and an actress, and she rocks both. But chemist she is not. Anyway, challenge. When OJ gives the word, the girls have to run over to a table laid out with cosmetics, and have thirty seconds to put select some, and get into the elevator. The elevator will then stop at additional floors that have clothing and accessories/shoes on them. When it reaches the top, the girls will meet with a Cover Girl executive to present their total look. If any of the girls miss the elevator, they're automatically disqualified. Fascinating. Let's get to it! Go! The girls run for the makeup and frantically grab at it. There are hilarious spy graphics and music throughout this scene. After thirty seconds, the elevator doors close, leaving Megg behind. Guess she's too HARDCORE to hurry. The girls touch themselves up in their compact mirrors, and the elevator stops at the fifth floor for clothes. They all grab dresses successfully. I'm surprised they're able to get into them so quickly. Next stop -- fifteenth floor for shoes and accessories. Monique can't get back into the elevator in time. Yes!

Melrose interviews that everyone knew they're going to be in for a rough evening since Monique didn't get her way. Heh, no kidding. The girls reach the thirty-first floor where they meet the "Cover Girl executive", Queen Latifah herself. She brings out her personal makeup artist, and the two of them ask the girls what they think they represent in the makeup or whatever. Most of the girls give stupid pageant answers that aren't worth going over. However, it is worth noting that CariDee looks ridiculous. Imagine the stupidest outfit you'd ever find yourself mortified to be wearing in front of Queen Latifah. It's worse than that. Eugena dutifully sucks up to the product line, so she naturally wins the challenge. She's told to pick two friends, and she picks CariDee and Jaeda. They're going to get their picture taken and have it featured on the Cover Girl website. I know any publicity is good publicity, but laaaaaaaaaaaame. On the way back to the pad, the girls naturally chitter about meeting the Queen. Monique is pissed. Michelle intelligently decides to try and avoid her for the rest of the day.

Once home, Monique heads straight for the...well, I guess you'd have to call it a phone room. It's just a chair, a phone, and a glass door. Melrose interviews that she needs to call her landlord about getting her deposit back. Not that I'm going to defend what Monique does here for a second, but huh? You wait until you're in the middle of a televised competition to iron out housing details? Details like your deposit money, which will still be there later? I can't accept that Melrose's situation is as pressing as they try and make it seem here. Anyhow, to make a long story short, Monique intentionally stays on the phone for hours, just to piss the other girls off. She mostly spends the time talking with her mother, who is a classic enabler. Her baby can do no wrong! She even says "You tell them 'I am a Princess of the Throne'". Unironically. Wow, it's really shocking that Monique is so selfish, spoiled, and deluded. Amazingly, of all the girls with tempers, it's meek little Anchal who finally throws down with her, walking in and pressing down the receiver. Awesome. Go, Anchal! Monique screams at her, of course, but Anchal screams right back. Monique drags out the classic and tired "not here to make friends", which is so fucking cliche by now, I think that anyone on any reality show who says it should be instantly eliminated. Commercials.

Later. Everyone hates Monique. She interviews something defensive, but she's in full-on quick ghetto voice, and I don't catch most of it. Anchal discovers some Tyra Mail. "It's time to wig out, pump up the volume, and get amped. Can you handle it, baby???" Stop with the excessive punctuation, Tyra Mail! We get it! The girls hop in the Monster Escalade and are dropped at a studio for their photo shoot. Eugena, CariDee, and Jaeda are taken aside to do a quick shoot for winning the challenge. It's boring. Eugena interviews that the other girls may have been jealous, but she doesn't really care. Ah, I'm starting to see why she feels a certain kinship with Monique. Bitches of a feather. Today's photo shoot involves wearing crazy-ass wigs, which are enormous and often have moving parts. OJ brings out the wig designers, who actually refer to themselves as weavologists, and (apparently) don't expect that people will laugh in their faces upon learning this. Hair and makeup ensues. Well, wig-styling and makeup ensues.

Monique's wig is sort of half-pointy, half-circular, with a spinning little gold figure on top. OJ tells her she's doing pretty well. Anchal's wig is just all out rocker, going every direction, and has a windmill on top. OJ compliments her as well. Brooke has a wig reminiscent of the American flag. Upon being told to be crazy or zany, she just yells "Aaaah!" a couple of times, which OJ seems to think is genius. Amanda's wig is heart-shaped. She discusses posing with the photographer, and does a great job. Michelle is done up as a parrot, and seems quite amused by it. Megan just has a weird-looking blond wig that almost approaches femullet status, except it has rotating spinners on both sides. OJ admonishes her for not being emotional and vulnerable enough in her shot. I guess we're all supposed to feel a tug at our heartstrings when we have motorized hair buzzing around our ears.

Megg dances around and makes some crazy faces, because she's HARDCORE. Her wig is just a mass of blondeness, with no real rhyme or reason to it. AJ has an explosion of red and silver, which is almost like a lion's mane, so she has the smart idea to make growling faces at the camera. Eugena has a mass of black hair as the wig, but can't keep from striking dumb general model poses with her hand. The photographer (Tracy) gently tries to mold her into an acceptable pose, but she can't do it. Tracy interviews that Eugena had the attitude of knowing-it-all, but was really quite an amateur. CariDee's wig is like a flame. It looks quite cool. Melrose's is colorful. She looks like she's about to head for Carnivale. OJ thinks she does a wonderful job. Jaeda has a helicopter on her head, which OJ sets to spinning with a remote control. Apart from the fact that her boobs are wisely accentuated, she looks dumb. OJ thinks she's giving the same pose over and over, and when he asks her to try something different in her remaining four frames, she just gives the same bland, mannish face she always gives. Bleh. That's it for the photo shoot, and the girls head back to the pad. Tyra Mail! Upcoming elimination. Suddenly, Melrose freaks out because Monique flicks some water from her towel or something onto her face. She seems equal parts disgusted and amused. We're to take this as more evidence that Monique is a dumb snatch, but since we already know that, and this is about a hundred times milder than the whole phone thing, it's really anticlimactic. Commercials.

Chamber of Doom. We enter on a picture of Tyra in one of those crazy wigs. She looks good, though I now think I've seen more pictures of Tyra in my lifetime than I have of myself. She tells the girls that their makeovers make them look amazing. She recaps the prizes. Nigel, Miss J, and Twiggy are present to judge, as is Tracy, this week's photographer. Miss J looks dumb tonight in a preppy green shirt and headband. He's a like a low-rent Velma from Scooby-Doo. Time for the individual evaluations. No final challenge? Good, they usually suck. Melrose is up first. She seems to have come around on the whole blonde hair thing. The judges seem to like her photo, but I think it's meh. Her face looks expressionless and weird. Anchal. Judges: "Yay!" Limecrete: "Meh." Jaeda. Tyra tells her that she looks scared of her new haircut. Jaeda says she's still getting used to it. Tyra hears that perfectly reasonable response and threatens to eliminate her. Nice. As to her photo? Judges: "Boo!" Limecrete: "Meh." Seriously, I have yet to see a photo that is that good or that bad. Megg. She looks retarded in her picture. I don't mean that as just a politically incorrect insult. She actually looks literally retarded.

CariDee. I actually think she looks pretty sultry in this picture, but Nigel says her jaw is a little mannish, and she'll want to watch out for that. Eugena. Twiggy says she looks too masculine. What is with that word being thrown around so much? The only girl who looks remotely manly is Jaeda. The other judges hate the photo too. Tracy says that she gave Eugena a lot of direction, but the "look in her face" was that she knew it all. Not that I don't trust Tracy or anything, but perhaps judging on the body language of a girl you've never met isn't quite the pinnacle of impartiality. Tyra says that Eugena verbally said that she's better than the other girls in the previous season, which she did not. She said they were boring. Which they were. I'm not liking Eugena much this episode either, judges, but stop with the bullshit. Michelle. Everyone loves her photo. Amanda. Ditto. That wasn't a twin joke until I just typed that, so let's assume that's what I meant all along. Brooke. Nigel loves her photo, and I disagree strongly. Brooke is pretty, and her photo doesn't reflect that at all. Megan. The judges hate her photo. Yeah, it's not pretty. They say she got "lost" in all that hair. AJ. Her shot is greeted with mild approval, though Tyra says her nose looks a bit big. Monique. She looks good. Tyra reads OJ's comments that it was a tremendous improvement from the first shoot, but that the first shoot was so bad, there was nowhere to go but up. Snap! The girls are dismissed. Commercials.

Deliberations. Michelle and Amanda are great (though for the second consecutive week, the judges seem to favor Michelle). Eugena is an amateur. Brooke is cheerleadery. Megg has bad posture. AJ is fashionably awkward. Jaeda is easily distracted. Hee. Megan is boring. Rut roh. Anchal connects with the camera. Melrose has redeemed herself. Monique is pretty, but disappointing. CariDee is a drag queen, but a good one. Or something. The girls are called back in. Elimination time. Melrose is safe. Anchal. Amanda. Michelle. AJ. CariDee. Brooke. Eugena. Pardon my interruption to say that I've noticed this for several seasons now, and it's getting really annoying. When Tyra looks up to tell the girl to come get her photo, she flutters her eyelashes. Like, every single damn time. It bugs me. Anyway, Megg is safe. She pumps her fists, because she's so HARDCORE. Monique. Will Jaeda and Megan please step forward? They're both given bullshit critiques, but what Tyra really wants to say is that Jaeda is prone to crying on camera, while Megan is not. You know what that means. Jaeda gets her photo, and poor Megan, whose only crime is being able to keep a lid on her emotions, is cut. Boo! She wishes she could have shown a little more character, but doesn't seem to have any hard feelings. Aw. Call me, Megan. You seem like someone who'd be fun to have a drink with. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Miss J tightrope walks. Except not at all. Melrose and Monique throw down. Melrose? Kick her ass.

Overall Grade: C+

Can Horses Smell Fear?

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 2

Previously on The Amazing Race: Twelve teams bolted from Seattle to a place where Starbucks is probably less prevalent; Beijing, China. Sarah pre-boarded a flight, which made other teams mad. Yeah, those people who have had limbs chopped off get all the breaks in life. The teams had barely touched down in China when a "surprise" elimination took Bilal and Sa'eed out of the race. Boo! A very arduous wall climb shuffled the teams so that the young and pretty could elbow their way to the front. Tyler and James won $20,000, which they will not spend on heroin. Because they're off drugs now. They were on them before, but not now. Drugs, that is. David and Mary were certain they were eliminated, but it was charming couple Vipul and Arti who got the chop. Boo! Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Seriously...Arti? So pretty. And that sari makes her look even prettier.

Great Wall of China. It's quite great. I've decided to ignore Phil's Opening Questions this season, because they're always either pointless, give away too much information, or both. Tyler and James are first to leave the mat at 9:04 PM. The clue tells them that they are headed for Outer Mongolia. Cool! Phil tells us that teams will be traveling by bus and train, and that their destination is 963 miles away. You know, I always talk about how I'd love to be on this show, and I mostly would. But sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that these people often spend 18 hours in a crowded, noisy, stuffy bus. Then I shut up and go get frozen custard with a friend. The teams are headed for the capital, Ulaanbaatar. Thanks for not giving us a subtitle, jerks. Google must be totally confused at the things I'm looking up today. Once in Ulaanbaatar, teams will head for a specific temple and watch a "ritual" to receive their next clue. Tyler loves that he and James can enjoy this experience in sobriety. Because they were on drugs. Remember? The drugs? They find the bus sign-up sheet, and mark themselves down for the 12:00 AM bus.

Duke and Lauren leave the mat at 9:17 PM. Duke says that he accepts gays and lesbians in general, but the situation is different when it's your own child. I can understand that. My father and sister are Republicans. Don't spread that around, please. Lauren just wishes Duke could see beyond her sexuality, which is also a good point. I'm liking these two more and more. They find the bus station, greet Tyler and James, and sign up for the midnight bus. Peter and Sarah leave the mat at 9:22 PM. Sarah interviews that her knee is continuing to leak hydraulic fluid, so she can get around, but it's difficult. Peter stares at the camera like a serial killer through the whole thing. They sign up for the midnight bus. Dustin and Kandice leave at 9:36 PM. Dustin is glad she has Kandice as a friend, because the world she lives in is so cutthroat and competitive. I'll remind you that these women walk around on a stage in a bathing suit and wave at people. They're on the midnight bus, too. Rob and Kimberly are off at 9:51 PM. We hear teams have $39 for this leg. Man, they're stingy this season! "Rob and I blah blah blah. Should we get married blah blah blah." You're the irritating couple who fights a lot. You'll scream at each other between brief and welcome periods of peace. You'll get eliminated, at which point you'll claim to be soulmates, and Rob will possibly propose. You'll get divorced after two and a half years and rejoin the rest of us in obscurity. You know it. We know it. Just admit it, and save us all some time. They're the last to sign up for the midnight bus.

Kellie and Jamie leave the mat at 9:56 PM. Cheerleading motivates them. Yawn. As they sign up for the 2:00 AM bus, Tyler gives them sympathy so broad and phony, even they pick up on the fact that he's making fun of them. Man, if the bus with the two-hour jump doesn't lead to a substantial advantage later, Tyler's going to look pretty stupid, isn't he? Well, I'm sure that won't happen. Jamie claims being on the later bus is "not fair". Whatever, twit. Erwin and Godwin leave at 10:02 PM. Godwin interviews that this is a competition, but that they want to build relationships with others. Except the interview is shown in front of the Forbidden City, and is probably referring to Bilal and Sa'eed's elimination. They're unhappy to be on the 2:00 bus. Tom and Terry leave at 10:13 PM. They give twin, flaming "Amaaaazing"s to the camera. I want to like them, and they're making it difficult. Tom interviews that they've traveled separately, but never as a couple. Lyn and Karlyn leave at 10:19 PM. Karlyn wants her kids to be proud of her. Aw. David and Mary are last to leave at 10:29 PM. They're wearing matching green shirts and matching green bandanas on their heads. That's entirely too much matching. David wants them to jog to the bus station, and Mary greets this with "Why? We're all on the same bus, [dumbass]." She doesn't actually say "dumbass", but it's so clearly written on her face that it may as well be part of the quote. David interviews that she's blunt, but that's what he loves about her.

Tom and Terry arrive at the bus station and sign up for the bus at "2 AM in the morning". They must work for the Department of Redundancy Department. Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary sign up for the bus. David checks to see what other teams will be stuck with them. The list includes Erwin/Godwin and Tom/Terry, which is our segue into some awesomeness. Mary voices-over that she's never known an Asian person in her life as she hugs Godwin. Aw. There's a shot of Tom and Terry doing another perky cheerleader cheer with Kellie and Jamie as David and Mary further interview that they've never been around gay people, either. And Mary, her eyes as wide as if she just got her first Easy Bake Oven says "...and I like 'em!" That was terrific. Hilarious and cute and heartwarming and I just might be in love with this season already.

The midnight bus leaves, and we're reminded which teams are on the bus. Sarah calls Dustin and Kandice "The Barbies", which... Yeah, I get it, but those "Barbies" figured out the trick to the paving Detour about five times faster than your blond asses, sweetheart. The folks waiting for the 2 AM bus are dancing. Watching Lyn do her little shimmy is hysterical. Tom and Terry interview that they're surprised with how great their competitors are and how they're having fun. I like it too, which is why I'm not looking forward to the inevitable time when teams are going to fight over a cab or plane tickets or something. They board their bus. In Erenhot, China, the teams on the midnight bus learn that their train will be at 4:00. That's PM. Dustin and Kandice roll their eyes at this development (in sync -- very eerie), and sneak off to do "research", though on what, I don't know. They borrow a cell phone from some lady. Tyler and James see them and join them, asking what they found out. Dustin gives a far-too-obvious "nothing" and Tyler and James are proud of themselves for ruining Dustin and Kandice's "scheme". What scheme? What could they possibly learn? And if there is something to learn, how did Tyler and James ruin it? It's not like Dustin hung up when the guys came over. These people are weird.

Speaking of weird, Peter and Sarah are relaxing outside. A group gathers to gawk at Sarah's artificial leg. Instead of just showing it off and/or trying to explain it to anybody, they take this opportunity to put on a little dog and pony show to try and swindle onlookers out of money. Sarah does a little jig and runs a short distance and back. Yeah, I can see this getting old really, really quickly. To their credit, when Peter cups his palms for money, the guys standing around are, like, "Ummmm......no". The lagging teams arrive, and of course they get the same tickets as everyone else. What was the point of making people take separate buses, show? That was just dumb. The train makes its way to Mongolia, which is very pretty, if desolate. Tyler interviews about his road to recovery. Because he was on drugs. The drugs that he was on. But isn't now. The drugs are all in the past. DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!

The train arrives in Ulaanbaatar, which is rainy and crowded. It looks neat, though. Teams scramble for cabs. Rob and Kimberly's driver hits a puddle, which splashes a little spray of rainwater into her face. She hysterically wipes at it as she asks if she can get diseases from it. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my pick for Ugly American. There's always one. Tyler and James' cab turns a different direction from other teams'. Various teams are happy that their cabs are zooming through the streets. Kellie and Jamie say that they got the lady who checked their passports to write the name of the temple down in Mongolian, so that'll be a help. Smart idea! Indeed, they are first to the temple. Performances of the ritual are done every ten minutes. Tom/Terry and Rob/Kimberly catch up, and these are the only three teams that catch the first performance, which is sadly a little boring. The teams applaud at the end, and are given their next clue. It tells them to select one of the nearby Russian military jeeps (which Phil notes are "old"), and drive themselves 43 miles to the village of Terelj. Once there, they go to the riverbed, get on a horse, and are led a couple of miles by a guide to an open field, where their next clue awaits. Rob and Kimberly's car almost immediately grinds in protest. Kellie and Jamie stop for directions, but get confused pretty easily.

Peter/Sarah, Duke/Lauren, Dustin/Kandice, and David/Mary show up for the next performance. Tyler and James have been taken to the wrong place. I swear their cab driver has something very similar to Hello Kitty pink covers on his seat and headrest. Hehehe. Everyone at the second performance leaves and seeks directions. Dustin and Kandice find a guy who speaks perfect, unaccented English. They're in Outer Mongolia and stumbled across a guy from Sacramento or something. David and Mary try another tack, and convince a smoking Mongolian guy nearby to travel with them. I mean he's actually smoking. He's not smoking like Hugh Jackman is smokin'. Tom and Terry are directionless, which they're not happy about. So stop, doofs! Rob pulls off the main road to an unpaved, dirt road that he's convinced is the right way. Kimberly is unsure, but Rob condescendingly tells her that he's knows what he's doing. Kellie and Jamie get more directions. Two seconds later, and they're confused again.

Third performance. Erwin/Godwin, Lyn/Karlyn, and finally, Tyler/James. Meanwhile, Peter and Sarah have found the sign to Terelj. As have Dustin/Kandice and David/Mary, thanks to their respective helpers. The teams at the third performance get their clues. More direction-getting. Lyn and Karlyn find someone completely different from the guy Dustin and Kandice found, but who is another American. Geez, when did Ulaanbaatar become such a popular tourist spot? He travels with them partway, and gives them directions for the rest of the drive. Lyn refers to him as an angel sent by God. There's a shot of him waving at them from the side of the road. Heh. No halo, though, so maybe he's just a nice person who should be recognized as such, instead of Jesus' messenger. Just a thought. Tom and Terry stop at a tollbooth of some kind, and instead of asking anything useful about Terelj, Terry mimes horseback riding, which gets him nowhere. Odd. When I'm looking for a specific restaurant, I just pull over, mime eating, and whoever I'm showing instantly knows where I'm headed. Even the background music here can best be summed up as "What A Doof". One more doof move, and that's their nickname.

Lyn and Karlyn take a wrong turn. Maybe this is why God doesn't get more involved in the outcome of reality shows. He sends people angels and guides, and they still manage to wander off in the wrong direction. Rob and Kimberly are also finding out that Rob's brilliant strategy to go nowhere has led them...nowhere. As they turn around, Rob says that Kimberly was 100% right, and that he screwed up. Well, it's nice of him not to pull a Lake. Jamie and Kellie are still lost, despite their multiple sets of directions. This is why I love legs where teams have to self-navigate. It shuffles the order based on aptitude, not cab luck. Speaking of shuffling, Erwin and Godwin sail into fourth place as they find the sign for the village. Duke and Lauren get directions. Lyn and Karlyn decide to turn around. At a small traffic backup, Kellie and Jamie ask for directions again. Duke and Lauren find the Terelj sign. Then Tom and Terry. Then Tyler and James.

But they didn't use Russian military jeeps instead of brand-spankin' new offroad vehicles for a reason. Tyler and James blow a tire. They pull over. They try and raise the car, but the jack seems to be broken. I don't know if it's actually broken or they just don't know how to use it, but the car's not going up. Rob and Kimberly pull up. Rob offers to give them his jack, but Kimberly spots incoming teams, and they decide to haul ass instead. Lyn and Karlyn pause as well, but as soon as they see that it's simple car trouble, they take off. Tyler yells "Stop, please," in a snotty tone you'd normally hear when someone says "Excuse you". So Peter and Sarah shouldn't be allowed to pre-board, but other teams should stop and help you fix your tire. Got it. In their car, Karlyn says they're not trying to be mean (which doesn't quite explain her "screw them"), but they want to win. Hey, you don't have to convince me. I believe that pausing to make sure they weren't hurt or something is all the obligation people have to competitors in that sort of scenario. Kellie and Jamie are forced to brake hard on a hill, and the car stalls out. Tyler and James bemoan their tire situation. Kellie and Jamie bemoan their stall situation.

Commercials. Creepy CGI children just love Cheerios' cheap knockoff of Fruit Loops. Good to know.

A man pulls over and helps Tyler and James with their tire. I don't know if he uses his own jack or theirs, which is a shame. If it was theirs, that's a wasted opportunity to laugh at them. Jamie talks Kellie down from hysteria to get their car started again, but they're now in last place. As Peter and Sarah approach Terelj, she switches out her curved metal foot for a human-looking one, just in case she needs to use the stirrups. They park, put on Mongolian helmets, and hop up onto their horses. Dustin and Kandice arrive. David and Mary's helper tries to direct them through a shortcut to the village, but accidentally sends the jeep into a mud bog. Mud bog! David tries to back up to gain some traction, but they sink deeper into the sludge. This segues into a clip where he says Mary thinks she's always right, and he just sits back and takes it. That was...oddly-placed.

Erwin and Godwin arrive at the horses. David and Mary spot other jeeps catching up, then passing. Duke/Lauren, Tom/Terry, Rob/Kimberly, and Lyn/Karlyn all pass by and get their horses. Kimberly's face is all pinchy as she asks the titular question. Rob soothes her by saying that she's thinking of bees and dogs. It's so true about the bees. They are my one true fear, and they somehow know this, and love to sting the crap out of me. Kimberly says she doesn't like to ride horses, because they have a mind of their own. She says this as she's sitting next to Rob. I'll leave it at that. She can't figure out how to steer the horse, and directs herself right into a branch that knocks her off. If she were hurt, I'd feel bad for her. She's not, so hahahahaha!!! Lyn says her kids will be surprised to see her ride a horse. I think they'll be more surprised about the Mongolian helmet. Kimberly, who is fine and is sitting on the ground to retie her shoe, is weeping. Sigh. Kellie and Jamie are still driving.

Dustin and Kandice are having no trouble with their horses, and Dustin interviews that no girl/girl team has ever won this race. What she should be thinking about, as I said in the mini recap, is that more often than not, the girl/girl teams get knocked out in the second and third legs. She should be rubbing a wishing stone right about now. Right on cue, one of them (it's impossible to tell Dustin and Kandice apart unless they're in close-up), tumbles right off her horse. But her foot remains caught in the stirrup, and the horse takes off running, dragging KanDustin on the ground for a good distance. Wow. Ouch. Peter and Sarah have reached the field and the cluebox. Detour! Take it Down or Fill it Up, both of which are related to nomadic Mongolian activities. In Take it Down, teams have to walk up to a shelter that is somewhat like a rounded tepee, take down the canvas covering, and fold it up in a specific way, including specific knots. Then, they pack the material onto a camel. Oof, I'm terrible at knots. In Fill it Up, teams choose a cart drawn by an indigenous animal. It looks a lot like an ox, but Phil calls it a hynek (or something like that). We'll just go with that. Teams lead their hynek to a river 500 yards away, and fill up four metal jugs with water, using a ladle. Then they lead their hynek back to the field and dump the water into a barrel. Once the water reaches a certain level in the barrel, they're done.

Peter and Sarah choose Tear it Down. Kandice runs toward the cluebox, limping a little. I cleverly deduce that it was she who was stuck on the horse. Note that she's shaking off being dragged across the field, and says she's fine, while Kimberly is probably still on the ground crying because she slowly fell three feet onto soft ground. Am I starting to like Dustin and Kandice? I think I am! Who woulda thunk? They choose Fill it Up. Peter and Sarah work on their tent, and Sarah says that they didn't choose the other Detour option because sometimes you can't control animals. Wow, we'll call that a double-ironic comment for reasons that will become clear. Indeed, Dustin and Kandice are a bit wary of their hynek, but he seems to be gentle and easily-led. Peter and Sarah fold. Dustin and Kandice reach the river and use both the ladle and a shoe to speed up the process. Heh. Sarah is muttering to herself as she tries to work out how to fold the canvas. Peter snaps that she can just focus on her task; she doesn't need to talk. I'm sorry, I can't have heard that right. Did he just scold her like a fucking puppy? For trying to organize her thoughts as she worked on the task? What a complete asshole. Sarah says that she was talking to herself, but if he doesn't like it, she can "zip it". Sure, enable his bossiness. That's healthy.

Erwin and Godwin have slow horses, and Duke and Lauren are starting to catch up to them. Meanwhile, poor David and Mary have given up on their sunken jeep and are having a new one brought to them. Phil explains the rule that if a vehicle becomes inoperable, teams can get a replacement, but no time credit will be given for their bad luck. Fair enough. Tyler and James arrive at the field. Then David and Mary. Mary says "I see horses, I see people" in such a patter that I immediately follow up with "I see a church, and I see a steeple" out loud. In a room by myself. I'm a freak. What I need is a boyfriend to tell me to shut up every time I open my mouth. Sounds like a little slice of heaven. Duke and Lauren pass Erwin and Godwin, get to the cluebox, and pick Tear it Down. Peter and Sarah note their arrival, and Sarah hopes they chose the right task. Dustin and Kandice begin to lead their hynek back, losing a little water on the bumpy roads. Peter and Sarah fail to figure out the knots on their first try, so Peter concludes it's a horrible task, and Sarah apologizes for choosing it. Because everything's her fault.

Erwin and Godwin choose Fill it Up. They get along well with their hynek. Godwin wears a tight shirt that clearly defines his pecs and makes me hate myself for staring. Tyler and James are making good time on their horses, and are already back up to fifth place. David and Mary are also enjoying their ride. Who would have thought the folks from Kentucky would be good with horses? Heh. Tom and Terry ride. Lyn and Karlyn ride. Rob and Kimberly have now fallen back to ninth place, because poor widdle Kimberly can't ride after her horrific accident, so she walks alongside. Kellie and Jamie finally get to the village and get their horses. Peter declares that he'll never be able to figure out the knot system, and Sarah gets flustered. Lauren is getting similarly flustered, but when Duke gives her a little peck on the forehead and gently tells her to calm down, she does. Well, he says "chill out", which he's...kind of too old to pull off. Peter declares they're changing tasks. Sarah says that she hates quitting, and Peter screams "SARAH! LET'S GO!" and claps his hands. I know I just said this, but his tone of voice is exactly the one you'd use to scold a puppy that just peed on the rug. Don't you love how these two were cast as the "inspirational couple"? They're about as effective as Ron and Kelly, the "All-American couple". Sarah, I know you're in the middle of something, and it's not the best time, but dump this loser. Now. Peter tries to backpedal with an insincere apology and says that he doesn't like to quit either, but that "this is not quitting". Except for the part where it is.

Tyler and James arrive at the field and choose Fill it Up. David and Mary arrive and choose the same thing. Peter and Sarah begin Fill it Up, and Peter tells Sarah to hold onto the jugs. At the sound of his voice, their hynek takes off running. Awesome. Mary sits on the cart and tries to hold the jugs steady. Tom and Terry arrive at the cluebox. Good God, how long did their horse ride take? They choose Fill it Up. Tom has taken off his Mongolian helmet, and his hair is flying in all directions. He looks insane. Heh. Poor guy. Lyn and Karlyn choose Take it Down. Rob chooses Fill it Up for him and Kimberly. Because your girlfriend's so great with animals? They begin to snip at each other before the hynek has taken three steps. Tyler and James are catching up with Peter and Sarah, whose hynek begins to walk slowly towards Tyler. Either Tyler or James yells over to Peter and Sarah that "I'm over him coming after me." Which do I find most in need of a shut up? The fact that Tyler and James think Peter and Sarah have the slightest bit of control over their animal? The same insufferably snotty, entitled tone they used when trying to make other teams stop for their flat tire? The fact that they felt the need to use hipster lingo? Let's call it a draw, and just tell Tyler and James to shut the fuck up in general. Peter and Sarah's hynek has had enough of all four of them, and takes off running again. Bye, water jugs! Heh.

Peter, seemingly trying to fill his Creepy Boyfriend Behaviors That Should Raise A Red Flag Instantly bingo card in record time, fills in another square. As they gather up their jugs for another try, Peter says that if the hynek runs again, then he's just spooked and there's nothing they can do about it. Sarah is understandably frustrated, and cries a little bit. This is far different from Kimberly sobbing motionless on the ground. These are tears of aggravation, and she doesn't stop trying to complete the task for a single second. Peter tells her to stop and collect herself. She wants to keep pushing forward, because she knows she's fine; she's just venting. No, he can't have that. He refuses to do anything until she stops. Sarah interviews that the way they handle things aren't always in sync. Sarah gets the Understatement of the Year award. Dustin and Kandice pour their jugs into the large barrel, but the water level isn't high enough yet. They head back to the river. Peter and Sarah try again, and again their hynek runs away. Hee. Peter claims to be "done" (i.e., eliminated), just as Tyler and James did when they got their flat tire. Feel free to note these two teams' ending placements and tell them to shut the fuck up. I know I did.

Commercials. I really hope Joan Cusack is getting a huge paycheck for these dumb cellular phone ads, so she can go back to being awesome in quirky movies.

Peter and Sarah give up and change Detours again. Lyn and Karlyn are having problems with the canvas-folding, and are getting a bit snippy with each other. Lyn interviews that they need to work on their communication, because they tend to shut down when they don't agree. Dustin and Kandice fill another jug at the river. When they get back to their cart, they only see one of their Mongolian helmets. They figure it's not important, and don't bother to try and find the other one. Erwin and Godwin pour water into the barrel, as do Tyler/James and Tom/Terry. While riding in his cart over perfectly flat terrain, Rob continually squeals in pain. He screams at Kimberly to stop. She screams at him to shut up. He screams back at her to shut up. I wonder if they'll serve chicken or beef at their wedding reception? I guess it depends on which they find easier to throw at each other.

Dustin and Kandice finish their water barrel, and get the next clue. It tells them to drive themselves 47 miles to the Hotel Mongolia, where the next clue will be waiting. Of course, their jeeps are a couple of miles away, and they need to ride the horses back. And without their helmets for safety, they're not allowed to ride the horses. Rut roh! They look around for an extra helmet, but there are none, so they'll have to find the one they misplaced. Their guide seems to have an idea of where they left it, and they set off in search of it. Duke and Lauren's camel successfully stands up with the canvas packed on his back, so they're done. They're off to the Hotel Mongolia in first place. Yay! Peter and Sarah continue to work, while Lyn and Karlyn give up and decide to switch to Fill it Up. That is a terrible, terrible idea. Peter and Sarah could afford to bleed time by changing Detours because they were in the front of the pack. Lyn and Karlyn were near the back, and losing all the time they've spent working could well get them eliminated. I'm afraid these two aren't long for this race. David and Mary are headed back to the river for their second trip, and agree to lead Lyn and Karlyn there.

Erwin and Godwin are done with Fill it Up, and are ready to leave. Godwin can't find his helmet. Is there a little gnome running out and stealing these things when nobody's looking? Dustin and Kandice ask if Tom and Terry have seen their helmet, but they haven't. Peter and Sarah finish Tear it Down, and leave for the hotel in third place. They must have had one hell of a lead coming into the Detour. Kimberly asks which way to lead their hynek, and Rob screams "LEFT" at her like she just bashed his mother in the face with a lead pipe. Kimberly stops and breaks down crying again, not understanding what he means. Rob points out the clearly visible camp. So he's an asshole whose temper is continually flamed by her stupidity and whining. Got it. I actually hope they never break up, because the dating pool is better off without them. Tyler and James leave for the hotel. Godwin finally locates his helmet, so they can leave now, having slipped from second to fifth. Dustin and Kandice are still running around looking for theirs, and Kandice feels she's let Dustin down. Duke and Lauren drive. Tom and Terry are done with Fill it Up, and go back to their horses. Rob and Kimberly are done, too.

Remember Kellie and Jamie? They are just now arriving at the Detour. Kellie says that they've got to give the task "all they've got". Now that's some cheerleader can-do spirit! I really admire Kellie's never-say-die attitude, and am sure she'll keep it for the remainder of the race! They choose Tear it Down, and get to work. Dustin and Kandice begin to lose hope. In the car, Peter refers to the Detour by saying "wow, what a meltdown!" But if you think he's warming up to apologize in any way, don't, because it becomes clear that they're talking about Sarah's meltdown. You know, the one where she shed five tears while he was running around screaming like his toe was just cut off? Yeah, that one. Erwin and Godwin drive. Lyn and Karlyn fill jugs. Tom and Terry drive. Rob and Kimberly drive. He says he wasn't trying to yell at her (at which point, I have a thankfully brief urge to rewind and watch him screaming again), but didn't know how else to get his point across. Kimberly: "Yeah." Kimberly's Tone Of Voice: "I fucking hate you." She interviews that he shouldn't talk to her that way, regardless of the situation. I agree, but I also feel he'd yell less if she were less tiresome. I don't know why I'm bothering to try and to pick a side. They both suck.

Dustin and Kandice are still standing around waiting for news of their helmet. Kellie and Jamie work on their tent. David and Mary finish Fill it Up, and agree to give Lyn and Karlyn their leftover water. Aw! Lyn and Karlyn are very grateful. The guide finally finds Dustin and Kandice's missing helmet. They leave, having slipped to eighth place. Ick. Even with their borrowed water, Lyn and Karlyn have to make another trip to the river. Kellie and Jamie continue to work on their tent. Lyn and Karlyn finish, and get their clue. "Not the horses again," Karlyn breathes in exhaustion. Heh. Kellie and Jamie's camel stands up. Hey, they didn't do half bad! They get their clue, and appear to only be a short distance behind Lyn and Karlyn. Dustin and Kandice pass David and Mary on the horses. The entire population of Kentucky boos. I think I may have heard them from here. Both teams hop in their jeeps and get going. Peter and Sarah pass Duke and Lauren, as do Tyler and James. Pedal to the metal, Duke! Lyn/Karlyn and Kellie/Jamie get back to their jeeps. But neither of them will start. Erwin and Godwin's car may be far ahead, but stalls out in solidarity. That's what you get for using Russian jeeps. They flag down someone in a truck to help. Tom and Terry pass them, and say they can't stop and help, because they don't know how to fix a car. I suspect that's true, but I also suspect that if they did? They still wouldn't stop. Which is fine, but let's call a spade a spade. Rob and Kimberly pass. Dustin and Kandice pass. David and Mary pass. Erwin seems to get a shock from the engine. Ouch! Their helpers push the jeep down the road, and it successfully starts. Well, that sucked for them. But wow, people in Mongolia sure are nice and helpful.

Back at the parking lot, Lyn/Karlyn and Kellie/Jamie's jeep batteries are dead. They look for someone to give them a jump. A man takes a crank out of Kellie and Jamie's jeep, and Lyn goes to try and crank hers back to life as well. The man successfully gets Jamie and Kellie's jeep started. They're off. Lyn and Karlyn try to crank on their own, but aren't having much luck. The guy starts to make his way over to them, but there's no way we can go into the commercial break without the "look at this team in peril" slow-motion shot and dramatic music, so I guess we're supposed to ignore him for now.

Commercials. Of all the changes they seem to have made to Cold Case, I note they didn't make the most important one; that woman's hair still looks like a bad drag queen wig.

So of course the guys at the parking lot help Lyn and Karlyn get their jeep going. They know they're in last place. See above comment about the wisdom of their changing Detours. Peter and Sarah pull into the parking lot of the Hotel Mongolia, with Tyler and James right behind them. They get to the cluebox at about the same time. Roadblock! "Who's ready to aim high?" I think they should be able to puzzle this one out pretty easily, but I guess you never know. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to use a traditional bow to shoot a flaming arrow at a target (shaped like a bowl) 160 feet away. Once they hit it, it will explode into flame, and the team may run to a nearby pavilion, which is this week's pitstop. I love this Roadblock.

Peter and Tyler take it. Sarah lets us in on the additional rule that Roadblockers can only shoot when a nearby man gives the signal. Good idea. I don't think amateurs shooting flaming arrows all willy-nilly would be wise. Peter apparently hits the target on the second try, which is really impressive. He and Sarah run up to the mat, and check in as team number one. They win a trip to Mexico. They hug, and Phil asks Sarah if she could have ever imagined being "two legs" into the race in first place. Hahahahaha! Whoopsie, Phil! Peter talks proudly about Sarah's perseverance, as if he didn't spend the entire leg acting like the asshole parent at his daughter's soccer game. To her credit, Sarah's not blind to this, interviewing that she's learning things about Peter she's not necessarily thrilled with. She says she's not making judgments, but she's certainly making note of it. Good. Tyler hits his target after several attempts. They check in as team number two. There's curiously no mention of the fact that they used to be on DRUUUUUUUUGS. Duke and Lauren arrive, and Lauren agrees to take the Roadblock.

You'll never guess where Kellie and Jamie are. That's right, they're lost again. They turn around and pass Lyn/Karlyn going the other direction. Lyn and Karlyn keep on going. Both teams are convinced they're on the right path. So one of these teams is definitely wrong, but we don't know which. Exciting! Tom takes the Roadblock. Lauren is missing the target, but she's getting closer. Tom can't even get his arrow to fly off the bow. There's a shot of a Mongolian guy laughing at him. Hehehe. Lauren hits, and she and Duke hug while jumping up and down in excitement. Yay! They run off and check in as team number three. Tom gets better at his bow, and after a few attempts, hits the target. He and Terry check in as team number four. Good for them; they really made up a lot of time this week. Phil tells them the news in a really broad New York accent. Heh. I love playful Phil. Kimberly and Dustin take the Roadblock. Kimberly has trouble with her first shot, so of course that's her and Rob's cue to start fighting instantly. Luckily, this spat only lasts a few seconds, but it's worth noting that that's always their first reaction to every setback, no matter how minor. David takes the Roadblock. He has trouble with his first shot, and Mary groans at him, and concludes she should have done this. I like her a great deal more this week, but I wish she'd be as nice to her husband as she is to everyone else.

Dustin hits her target. Rob takes this as a sign that Kimberly should hit hers as soon as possible. Good idea. Maybe there's a think tank position open for him somewhere. Erwin takes the Roadblock. Dustin and Kandice check in as team number five. OK, I've got to say it. At the start of the race, I was fully prepared to despise Dustin and Kandice as bubbleheaded ditzes; in essence to fall in with the "Barbie" line of thinking that the other teams have about them. But in two episodes, Dustin and Kandice have: cheerfully eaten fish eyeballs, sprang back from getting lost on their way to the Roadblock, figured out a puzzling Detour faster than several other teams, quickly skittered up a wall, shaken off being dragged across a field by a horse, responded to a serious setback at the Detour by trying to figure out how to remedy the situation (instead of breaking down into girly hysterics), and hit an archery target on seemingly the first couple of attempts. Dustin and Kandice rock.

Rob tries to give Kimberly helpful advice about her archery technique. I'll leave it to you to guess how she responds to this. David is getting closer. Erwin isn't far off, either. Kellie and Jamie drive. Kimberly hits her target. She and Rob hug, and he tells her that he's so proud of her today. Sure, I can't think of any part of this leg that wouldn't support that claim. Lyn and Karlyn drive. David hits his target. I love the glorious explosion and plume of smoke whenever someone finally hits. While running to the pitstop, Mary twists her ankle a bit. Oh, dear. Rob and Kimberly check in as team number six. See Lyn drive. Drive, Lyn -- drive. David and Mary check in as team number seven. Erwin hits the target. Drive, Lyn -- drive. Erwin and Godwin check in as team number eight. So no matter what happens now, the Curse of the Second Leg will hit yet another female/female team. Lyn drives! Kellie drives! Who will it be?!? Who?!? Next to the Roadblock is... Lyn and Karlyn! Yes!

Lyn takes it on. Kellie and Jamie stop for about their fifth set of directions. Lyn has the same problems with her first couple of shots as the other teams did. Karlyn offers advice, which Lyn rolls her eyes at, probably thinking "Because you go to the archery range every weekend?". Kellie and Jamie don't want to go home. Several shots later, Lyn fires an arrow that hits the target and bounces out. That's enough to ignite it, though, and boom! They're off. They check in as team number nine, and while not giddy about it, are pleased to still be in the race. Kellie and Jamie pull up to the Roadblock. Kellie takes it. She misses. And misses. And misses. The sun sets. After a while, Kellie decides fuck it, she's giving up. And I immediately lose any tiny bit of respect I ever had for her and Jamie. I don't care that they were last. I don't care that they were tired. If I were on this show, I'd shoot flaming arrows until my fingers bled and Phil came out to do a mercy elimination. You just don't give up on this show. You don't give up because you never know what disasters have befallen another team. You don't give up because you want to prove to yourself that you can at least accomplish a task, no matter how difficult it is. And you don't give up because if you do, you've just shown America that your rah-rah-go-team-win attitude is nothing but a facade, and you're really just a big puss. This is probably (and hopefully) your only shot to be on television. How do you want to be remembered? Know how I'll remember you, Kellie and Jamie? As stupid losers.

They step up to the mat and are eliminated. I'm not giving them the dignity of an exit interview. Go the fuck home.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Duke and Lauren run out of money, and won't be able to pay their cab driver. Lauren is afraid their next pitstop is prison. The first team spat flares up as Tom and Terry take on Dustin and Kandice. Will the Curse of the Third Leg take out another female/female team?

Overall Grade: A-

Real Fast! Quack, Quack!

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 1

Previously on The Amazing Race: A season that didn't make me want to jump into an ammonia lake. How nice! We're back for another race, and it looks like the network execs got a "Be More Diverse" memo, so they're pandering to us by giving us minorities previously unrepresented on this show. Well, it's about time. Pander away!

Space Needle. Hey, start the race here next time! After some sweeping shots of Seattle, we catch up with Phil, aboard a large boat. He fills us in on the fact that Seattle's nickname is the Emerald City, but if some of these teams came here to ask the wizard for brains, I'm afraid they're going to be disappointed. This will be the starting point of a race around the world for one... Million dollars. Ah, Phil's emphasis of certain words. How I've missed it. This year, we're up to twelve teams instead of the eleven favored by most recent seasons. Oh good, more people to keep track of. The twelve teams are being dropped off at the starting line by seaplanes. Let's meet them! The teams, that is. Not the seaplanes.

Peter and Sarah: Newly dating triathletes from Southern California. Newly dating, indeed. In all of the pre-show interviews I saw with them, they were billed as friends. They must have started dating four minutes before their seaplane landed at the starting line. Both of them are blond and cute. Sarah tells us they train for the Hawaii Ironman together. But enough of that boring stuff; let's get to her artificial leg. It seems Sarah was born with one leg shorter than the other, so it was amputated when she was a child. And her old friend and new boyfriend builds artificial legs for a living. How fortuitous! She think he's hot for being able to take care of her in a way that other men can't. You mean that you get free stuff? Peter says that Sarah is the first woman he trusts with his heart.

Bilal and Sa'eed: Best friends from Cleveland, Ohio. They are Muslim and American. They are devout, saying that they will take five minutes to pray each day. Well, bully for you. I'm not getting an annoying ping yet, which is good. Still, I'm all about treating people of different religions equally, and I'm frankly no more interested in their relationship with their deity than any of the Jesus freak teams we've been cursed with over the years.

Rob and Kimberly: A dating couple from Los Angeles. I'm semi-ashamed to find Rob hot. He tells us their relationship is at the point where they move forward and get married, or they don't. Thank you for that stunning analysis. Kimberly says she wants to see how he works under pressure, and "making decisions for both of [them]". I have the feeling that statement's going to bite her in the ass. Rob says that Kimberly always wants her own way, but that he's a human being and she can't control him. Upon hearing that, Kimberly gets a "what a dickhead" look on her face. Yeah, I can totally see how in love they are. Two sentences out of their mouths, and they already hate each other.

Dustin and Kandice: Beauty queens from New York City. How I wish I were making those names up. They met at a pageant, where Kandice was Miss New York, and Dustin was Miss California. How sweet that they live an entire continent apart, and yet seem to be the exact same person. Dustin says that Kandice's competitive spirit is the glue of their friendship, which is really sad when you stop to think about it.

David and Mary: A married couple from Stone, Kentucky. David is a coal miner, and Mary is a stay-at-home mother. They've got three kids. David feels they're tougher than a lot of other people, because of the danger and stress of his job. I can certainly buy that, although I wouldn't argue with Mary saying the same thing about hers.

Erwin and Godwin: Brothers from the San Francisco Bay area. Are they just ashamed to say Oakland? Godwin dismissively says that people look at him as a meathead over a shot of him kissing his own bicep. Yeah, Godwin and I may have some problems, especially since I'm even more ashamed of finding him attractive than I am of the whole Rob thing. Erwin also works out, but I'm sorry to say that...um...having a nice body will only take him so far. They both have advanced degrees.

Duke and Lauren: Father and daughter from Rhode Island. Just Rhode Island? I guess they couldn't give a city, because they probably live in different areas. Why do I suspect that? "When I look at Lauren, I love her to death. But there's just a teeny bit of disappointment...as a father, looking at Lauren." That disappointment springs from the fact that Lauren is a lesbian. She came out after college and the two of them went through a period of not speaking to each other. They're trying to rebuild their relationship. Fair enough. I'm not thrilled with Duke's initial prejudice, of course, but he seems to be genuinely trying to work through it.

Vipul and Arti: A married couple from Orlando, Florida. They've been married for about two and a half years. My goodness, Arti is beautiful. They both try to embrace their Indian heritage and culture while still maintaining an American life. They're on the race to have an adventure before they settle down to have kids. I like them.

Kellie and Jamie: Best friends and cheerleaders from South Carolina. Oh, so I guess the beauty queens aren't our requisite bubbleheads for the season. They must be relieved about that. Kellie says they entertain each other, and that you could put the two of them in a cardboard box, and they'd still find a way to have fun. I think I'd have fun stuffing them into a cardboard box, too. Call me, ladies.

Tyler and James: Recovering drug addicts and models from Hollywood, California. Of course. Our straight, white, pretty-boy team. See you at the finish line, guys! I'm sorry, I'll really, really try to give them a fair shake before I toss them on the RobBrennanChrisAlexDerekDrewDavidJeffBrianGregEricJeremy pile. They met through drug use and model together. James is legitimately good-looking, but I'm not feeling the whole Tyler thing at all. There is, of course, an intro clip of them playing basketball shirtless, but they're not like those past teams at all! Sorry, sorry. Fair shake. I mean it.

Lyn and Karlyn: Lifelong friends and single mothers from Birmingham, Alabama. Well, sure. They're black women with children on reality television. Of course the fathers are absent. White women are "soccer moms". Black women are "single mothers". I'm so glad you're out to shatter stereotypes, Amazing Race! Karlyn says something about independence, but I miss a lot of it, because there's ironically a boop-boop-boop Amber Alert announcement about a missing child at the bottom of the screen (she's been found now).

Tom and Terry: Boyfriends from New York City. There's a clip of them getting manicures, and they talk about how they're not looking to make any new friends. Sigh. Speaking of stereotypes. Listen, I'm not a self-loathing queer. And I love all my brothers, from the guys who wouldn't know Judy Garland if her reanimated corpse bit them on the ass to the flamiest flames. But I like to see some range. Lynn and Alex were prissy and bitchy. John and Scott were prissy and bitchy (well, John was). In the fifteen seconds that we've known them, Tom and Terry have been prissy and bitchy. This show hasn't had a likable gay man on it since Ken, and that is depressing.

The twelve teams jog up to meet Phil at the starting line. Wait, if the starting line is on land, what was the point of Phil making his introductions from a boat? That was completely random. Phil explains the entire concept of the show to the teams. It's Seattle, so it's raining, and the teams are going to have to run across an expanse of grass to get to their bags. Someone's gonna wipe out. Who's it gonna be? I'm takin' all bets! The number of elimination points hasn't changed, and is still eight, which immediately throws me into a panic. That doesn't make sense! If there are eight elimination points, that leaves four teams to run for the finish line. Gnat practically has to force a Valium down my throat to get me to shut up about this. Phil also says there will be some additional surprises along the way that are different from previous races. When he gives the word, they can run to their packs, jump in the provided cars nearby, and then it's all up to them. "The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe." An infinity of silence. "GO!!!!"

And, boom! Those of you who picked Duke in the Splat Sweepstakes, please come see me for your winnings, which will vary based on your gender and physical characteristics. It looks like Bilal is first to the luggage. Peter and Sarah and David and Mary are lagging. The clue tells everyone to fly to Beijing, China. Wow. Normally, the teams are eased into the race by going to a place where English may not be the principal language, but at least you can understand the alphabet. Starting in China is evil. I love it. There are only two flights, one on United, and one on Korean Air. The United leaves at 1:22 PM, while the Korean Air departs about 40 minutes later. They only get $66 for this leg of the race. Everyone dashes for the cars. Bilal always seems to be about twenty paces in front of Sa'eed. Tyler and James are first out of the parking lot. Bilal and Sa'eed are right behind them, and offer thanks up to Allah. They follow this up with a more secular "That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!" Heh. Kellie and Jamie can't seem to get their car in drive. They work it out eventually, and squeal us into the...

Opening credits. I'm sure Dustin and Kandice are just trying to hail a cab or something, but that's an unfortunate shot. It makes them look like they're lookin' for a date, sugar.

We jump right back in for the heart-pounding trip to the airport. Apart from frontrunners Tyler/James and Bilal/Sa'eed, it looks like Erwin and Godwin are up in the front. They're excited to go to "the homeland", even though they're not from China. Um, OK. Meanwhile, Dustin/Kandice, David/Mary, and Duke/Lauren are having the same gear problems Kellie and Jamie did. What kind of cars are these? They finally figure it out, and Duke and Lauren are last out of the parking lot. Tyler and James pull over for directions. Bilal is yelling at traffic. He interviews that he's aggressive, while Sa'eed is passive. I can believe it, since I'm fairly sure we haven't heard a word come out of Sa'eed's mouth so far. Tom/Terry, Rob/Kimberly, and Erwin/Godwin miss the turnoff for the highway. Karlyn tells Lyn that Chinese people like folks from Alabama because of the movie Forest Gump. Hehehehe. Peter and Sarah are convinced that they'll be underestimated. Vipul's busy adoring his wife. Aw. David and Mary pull over for some directions. There's a serious accident on the highway that's jamming up traffic, and Peter/Sarah risk getting off the highway to get around it. They succeed, and are soon whizzing down the highway again. Meanwhile, David and Mary aren't even attempting to find the highway at all, but taking another route to the airport. Mary isn't happy about this, and yells at David. He tells her to be quiet. She says she won't play the quiet woman. It's a good thing they have those thick accents, or we might confuse them for Rob and Kimberly. I sure can't get enough of couples arguing, can you? Dustin and Kandice weave around the accident.

Peter and Sarah are first to the airport, followed by David and Mary. Now that his route saved them time in the race, everything's OK! She's not angry about his decision-making anymore. Sweet. The only thing I like better than couples arguing is a passive-aggressive shrew. Dustin and Kandice get there in third. After they were stuck back at the parking lot? They must have been awesome on that highway. Sa'eed finally opens his mouth to pray while Bilal says that they'll make the first flight if God wills it. Because if there's one thing important to Allah, it's traffic and airline schedules. Phil lets us in on the fact that there is room for six teams on the United flight, which lands almost a full hour before the Korean Air one. Peter and Sarah have made it inside the airport, while David and Mary introduce themselves to Dustin and Kandice on the shuttle. Mary's excited to meet beauty queens. Peter and Sarah are smart enough to ask about arrival times, rather than departure times, and are the first to get tickets on the United flight. David/Mary and Dustin/Kandice get these tickets too.

The remaining teams are looking for the specific area to drop their rental cars, and are not having much luck. They're frustrated. Boy, no kidding. There's nothing more maddening than trying to find something at the airport. They're all such clusterfucks. Bilal/Sa'eed and Kellie/Jamie find themselves in an airport Mobius strip. God, I hate those. Erwin and Godwin also head the wrong way, as do Rob and Kimberly behind them. Rob snots at Kimberly that she should know that Thrifty is a car rental place, even as he makes a wrong turn. Instant karma is my favorite thing in the world. He soon figures out he's in the wrong place, and of course the answer to that is to yell at Kimberly some more. Don't you hope they have sixteen kids that they raise to be just like them? They're so sweet! All the other teams find their way to Thrifty with no problems. The loser teams get stuck in a line of cars and begin to freak out.

Commercials. Ventriloquist week on Dave Letterman. Yeah, I'll be sure to catch that.

The loser teams figure out what they've done wrong and head to Thrifty. Meanwhile, the non-loser teams are already in line at the airport. Tyler and James get on the United flight, as do Duke/Lauren and Lyn/Karlyn. In line, Vipul and Arti introduce themselves to Kellie and Jamie. Vipul calls himself "Vipul of the people". Heh. After they get tickets, Duke and Lauren also introduce themselves to the cheerleaders. Jamie wants to know if they're siblings or dating. Hahahaha! Lauren fills them in that Duke is her father. Duke kids that he's been trying to ask her out for years. Lauren misses a golden opportunity to insert "and that's why I became a lesbian." Oh, well. Vipul and Arti are the first team to get the bad news that they won't be on the United flight. Arti's pack is enormous. It's almost as big as she is. That's not good at all. They and the cheerleaders head for Korean air. It looks like Tom and Terry aren't even attempting United, so they're first to the Korean air counter. Kellie/Jamie and Vipul/Arti get in line behind them, and are soon joined by Bilal and Sa'eed. Introductions are made all around. Kellie tries to shake Bilal's hand, but he tries to gently inform her that his religion doesn't allow him to touch her. She's left hanging, but seems to take the rejection well. She asks Jamie if Muslims believe in Buddha. Sigh. I know next to nothing about the Muslim religion, but even I'm not that dense. We don't see the rest of these teams get their tickets, because by the time Erwin and Godwin get there, everyone's already gone. And last to get tickets are Rob and Kimberly. Eat it, suckas!

Erwin and Godwin... You know those well-traveled brothers with advanced degrees? Yeah, they think it'd be a neat idea to fill water guns in the airport bathroom and squirt other teams. Because gun-shaped things are so welcome in airports these days. They manage to squirt two teams before a security officer comes over and manages to tell them he'll be taking those guns away without calling them morons. Well done, officer. Gee, I can't imagine why Godwin thinks other people view them as meatheads. Tyler and James laugh at them, and offer up a "buuusted". An intercom voice announces pre-boarding for passengers who need assistance. Peter and Sarah jump on this. This pisses off Lyn/Karlyn and Tyler/James (who announce that it's "no excuse"). I think it's awesome. I don't for a minute believe that Sarah needs to pre-board, but every team has its advantages and disadvantages, which is entirely fair. Every time Sarah can speed up thanks to sympathy about her leg, she'll be slowed down by something else. Peter tells Sarah that they'll be able to play that card a lot. OK, now they're just tempting Fate. They'll want to watch that. The rest of the lead six teams board the United flight. Bilal and Sa'eed pray while they wait for their flight. Eventually, they and the other lagging teams board their Korean Air flight.

Beijing, China. It's freaking gorgeous. The United flight was delayed at some point, so they're landing at 8:22 PM, which is about twenty minutes late. Teams walk off the plane and begin to jog. Karlyn snarks that Sarah can run the Ironman, but can't stand in line. Heh. Duke and Lauren are first to get to the cabs and on their way. Teams have to go to a specific neighborhood and find the Gold House Restaurant, where they'll receive their next clue. The other lead teams aren't far behind. David and Mary are really impressed by Beijing. Mary interviews that she's never been outside Kentucky and Tennessee, so this is like dropping a thirty-year-old baby in the middle of China, and telling her to race. I'm glad her initial reaction is "Oooh, China!" and not "Eww...foreign things!". Lyn and Karlyn's cab passes Peter and Sarah's. Karlyn says she's "so sick of Sarah". The Sarah you met for five minutes twelve hours ago? I understand she's not happy about that airport trick, but how much time did Peter and Sarah gain? Sixty seconds? Plus, you just passed them, so calm down.

The Korean Air flight lands on time at 9:00 PM. Take that, United! Tom and Terry flail around in their cab. Kellie and Jamie opt for clapping and yelling "woo!!!" a lot. Kimberly says her adrenaline kicked in the second she walked off the plane. She and Rob have given up on their vanity already, and switched from contacts to glasses. Godwin thinks China is similar to Korea. I'll take his word for it. Two guys stand in the middle of the street playing badminton with no net. Lauren and Duke get to the restaurant first. Roadblock! Hey, weird. Normally, there is no Roadblock in the first episode. What? Oh. Roadblock. Noun. A task that only one team member may perform. The team chooses which member will do the Roadblock before they know exactly what the task entails, and once they choose the team member, they can't switch. Hopefully, the rule that team members must split the Roadblocks fairly evenly is in effect, though it goes unspoken. Phil tells us that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to eat all of the eyeballs out of a bowl of fish heads. OK. Sounds gross, but I bet I could do it.

The Roadblock hint reads "Who's hungry to stay in the race?". Lauren's eyes widen. She knows what lies in wait. Duke takes it on. So does Karlyn. Lyn thinks that's good, since she doesn't eat Chinese food. Lyn doesn't eat Chinese food? Is she from Neptune? They get started. A strand of goo hangs out of Duke's mouth. Ewwwwwwww. Lauren laughs at him. Peter and Sarah arrive, and Peter takes the Roadblock. Karlyn's having a little bit of trouble, but with some encouragement from Lyn, manages to finish first. The waiter hands them their next clue. It tells them to take a taxi to the Forbidden City and find the Meridian Gate. Once at the gate, they have to find a kiosk. The kiosk is pretty cool, and has three departure times on lit-up tabs that will determine what time teams head out the next morning. Phil also tells us that the first big surprise of the race awaits us at this kiosk. I wish he hadn't said that. It's not so surprising when you announce it twenty minutes in advance, Phil. Lyn and Karlyn take off. Duke and Lauren aren't far behind. Lauren guesses that the last team to the kiosk will be eliminated. Then she and Duke dismiss this as silly. Peter is visibly shaking, and Sarah asks a waiter to come over and check the bowl. He's done, and they head for the Meridian Gate in third.

Dustin and Kandice's cab driver has taken them to the wrong place. Whoops! David and Mary's hasn't. Mary takes the Roadblock, and it's not the eyeballs that are giving her trouble; it's the chopsticks. Aw. Dustin and Kandice wander to another place, but nobody there knows where the restaurant is. Tyler and James find the restaurant, and James takes the Roadblock. Mary finishes up. They did a good job! They're off to the Meridian Gate in fourth. As they leave, Kellie and Jamie are going in. Wow. Kellie and Jamie were on the later flight, and they're right behind Tyler and James now? They must have had the best cab driver in the world. James finishes his eyeballs. He and Tyler actually find a cab before David and Mary do. When they finally do hail a taxi, Mary spouts the titular quote. I just like saying "titular". Tom and Terry arrive, and Terry takes the Roadblock. Jamie gives off an orgasmic "Oh, my God!", though it's impossible to tell whether she thinks the eyeballs are really good or really bad. Terry dives right in. Jamie finishes, and celebrates with yet more clapping and yet more "woo!!!!". Terry finishes. Dustin and Kandice? Still lost.

Commercials. Crystal Light has fifteen "gorgeous" flavors. I guess it doesn't matter what stuff tastes like, as long as it's pretty. Right, girls?

Dustin and Kandice are still wandering around lost. It probably doesn't help that they're asking for the "golden" house instead of the "gold" house. They manage to find someone who knows where it is and is willing to walk them there. He says it's about a ten-minute jog away. Rob promises to tip his driver if he can get them to the restaurant fast. I hope he meant an additional tip. All the other lagging teams are worried about their slow-ass drivers too. Dustin and Kandice finally find the restaurant. Rob and Kimberly arrive at about the same time. Kandice takes the Roadblock. I think. She and Dustin are awfully...similar. Rob takes it, also. Kandice looks at the bowl of fish heads like they're about to come to life and attack her.

Meanwhile, at the Meridian Gate, Duke/Lauren and Lyn/Karlyn arrive, but go to the wrong area. Peter and Sarah manage to slip by them, and arrive at the kiosk first. They take one of the 7:00 AM departure times, of which there are four. Duke/Lauren and Lyn/Karlyn figure out where to go and also grab the 7:00 tabs. Tyler and James arrive to grab the last one. Back at the restaurant, Vipul takes the Roadblock. Kimberly yells at Rob to eat the eyeballs as he's...eating them. Kandice talks herself into not minding the eyeballs so much. Arti begins to cough and gag a little just from watching Vipul. She's glad she didn't take the task. Man, no kidding. David and Mary arrive at the Forbidden City, but get out of their cab too early. Tom and Terry shoot right by, as do Kellie and Jamie. Guess what they do. They clap. And they "woo!!!"

Gnat: "I'm calling them Woo and the Clap from now on."

Both they and Tom/Terry grab 7:15 AM tabs. The four of them huddle up and jump up and down in excitement. I sense a friendship in the works! An annoying one, but a friendship nonetheless. Erwin and Godwin's driver has taken them to the wrong place. Whoops! Is the Gold House a really unpopular restaurant or something? Kandice finishes her eyeballs. David and Mary grab the penultimate 7:15 AM tab. Rob is still working on his eyeballs as Bilal and Sa'eed arrive. Bilal takes the Roadblock. Erwin and Godwin are still wandering around lost. Kimberly helpfully spots the final eyeball for Rob to eat. She and Rob take off in ninth. Sa'eed goes to get Bilal some water. Vipul's having none of that, nor of separating the eyeballs from the rest of the fish heads. He's just shoveling it all into his mouth. That's really admirable, in a disgusting sort of way. It pays off, and Vipul and Arti leave in tenth. Back at the kiosk, Dustin and Kandice take the last 7:15 AM tab. Dustin is disappointed that two teams (Tom/Terry and Jamie/Kellie) from the second plane passed them, because they "worked so hard" to get on that first flight. You...drove to the airport. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back just yet. Bilal finishes his eyes. He and Sa'eed are off to the Meridian Gate. After they leave, Erwin and Godwin finally arrive. Erwin takes the Roadblock.

Kimberly tells Rob to pull an early time. Sorry, suckas! Only 7:30 AM is left. There are three of those tabs, along with one that reads "Last Team". Dun dun duuuuun! Vipul and Arti are having trouble directing their cab driver to the Forbidden City, as are Bilal and Sa'eed. Erwin finishes his eyeballs. Vipul, Arti, and their cab driver go into a hotel and get directions. They're very calm for people who have got to know they're battling over last place right now. Bilal and Sa'eed's driver also gets directions, but still doesn't really look like he knows where he's going. The editing is cut to look like all three of these teams get to the Forbidden City at about the same time. First to the kiosk is Vipul and Arti. That makes sense. And yay! They grab their 7:30 AM tab. And the last 7:30 AM tab goes to Erwin and Godwin. Wow, Bilal and Sa'eed's driver must have been really lost. They take their "Last Team" tab. A guy in ceremonial Chinese clothing directs them over to the mat, where Phil pops out from the darkness like a mugger.

All the other teams are nearby, watching as Phil delivers the first "surprise" of the race: Bilal and Sa'eed are eliminated. Well, I suppose it would have been a surprise if Phil hadn't said something like this was coming up and there weren't a check-in mat, and Lauren hadn't guessed word-for-word that this is what was going to happen and if we didn't know there weren't enough pitstop elimination points announced at the starting line. But, you know, aside from that...total shock! Bilal and Sa'eed are obviously shaken up by this, but take the news with good grace. Godwin just about busts out crying. Bilal says that this just goes to show that you never really have control over anything; the Creator does.

Bilal and Sa'eed seem like pretty cool guys. Them sticking around would have meant that people who aren't used to seeing Muslims act like normal people instead of scary footage on the news could have re-evaluated their opinions on those who happen to be different. And I wish they hadn't been eliminated now. That said? The Creator didn't make you sit in a traffic jam you could have driven around. The Creator didn't hide Thrifty from you. The Creator didn't make you useless at using chopsticks. The Creator didn't get you lost on your way to the Forbidden City. People need to stop shoving the responsibility of all of their mistakes and decisions off onto the deity of their choosing, because when you start to do that, it's the first step on the road to deciding that since everything is in God's hands, you don't have to treat your fellow humans with any sort of decency. And that leads to...pretty much the unfortunate, willfully-ignorant, narrow-minded, intolerant, scientifically-stifled, jingoistic, rich-Christian-run society we have today. Sigh. So anyway, Bilal and Sa'eed are eliminated, and the other teams are sorry to see them go.

Commercials. Not that I expect crime dramas to be entirely realistic, but there is something fundamentally wrong with an FBI field agent looking like he's one of Spicoli's stoner friends from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

The other teams are sympathetic about Bilal and Sa'eed's elimination, but are still basically "Hey, better them than us" about it. The teams shuffle off, and night turns into morning. 7:00 AM. The teams are leaving in a straight line in the order they checked in, which is silly, because all they have to do right now is run to a line of World War II motorbikes and get on. The clue tells them to direct their driver to a specific street address, where they'll find a line of pedicabs and their next clue. Sarah interviews that she realized last night that her artificial leg is leaking hydraulic fluid, which Peter likens to a slow leak on a bicycle. He's not able to fix this specific problem. Does that mean Sarah doesn't love him anymore? She says that this problem won't cause any pain, but it will make the leg harder to run on. Lauren is happy with how she and Duke are communicating. Lyn thinks some of the teams are surprised by how well she and Karlyn did in the first round of this leg. Tyler and James call themselves "fighters", because they've been through rehab and all that.

Gnat's Stepmother: "Are we supposed to admire them? How about those of us who weren't drug addicts in the first place?"

Everyone runs for the motorcycles. One team member rides behind the driver, while the other rides in a sidecar. That looks like so much fun. They all rumble off. 7:15 AM. The second group (Tom/Terry, Kellie/Jamie, David/Mary, and Dustin/Kandice) get their clues. At the pedicab line, the lead teams are arriving, and the pedicab manager gives them their next clue. Detour! Labor or Leisure. What? Oh. Detour. Noun. A choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. If they're well-designed that is. There have been unfortunate Detours in the past where one task had all the advantages, and the other all the disadvantages. When it comes to this show, there is no quicker way to piss me off than a shittily-planned Detour. Unlike the Roadblock, if a team decides one Detour option is too difficult, they can switch to the other one, but of course that eats up time. So let's get to this particular choice. In Labor, teams use a pedicab to travel one mile to a market-type area. Once there, they have to pave a 45-square-foot section of sidewalk in a specific pattern. In Leisure, teams use to a pedicab to travel two miles to an extremely beautiful park. They will then take part in a Chinese relaxation exercise known as Tai Gee Bai Long (perhaps -- please excuse my spelling). It kind of looks like a mixture of dancing and Tai Chi. Once the team successfully performs the routine in unison, they'll get their next clue.

All four of the lead teams choose Labor. 7:30 AM. The three trailing teams (Rob/Kimberly, Vipul/Arti, and Erwin/Godwin) get their motorbike clue. Rob and Kimberly say they're going to concentrate on catching up with the others. Good strategy! Arti's pack is still really large and awkward. Erwin and Godwin hope to make up some ground. One of them calls Vipul and Arti "Team Karma". I'm not sure who coined that phrase, but I'm afraid that bragging about your karma is a really great way to get Fate pissed off at you. Peter/Sarah and Lyn/Karlyn have arrived at Labor. They see the example pattern that's already been set down for them. Phil voices-over that there is an outer ring of large gray bricks that must be placed before placing the inner section of red bricks for the pattern to work. Peter is spazzing out, and immediately starts placing red bricks while telling Sarah that she needs to back off and let him handle this. Sarah interviews that Peter can be hyper, which somehow leads to her saying that she's not very competitive with him. Not seeing the connection there, but whatever. Lyn and Karlyn have also started mistakenly placing red bricks, and Karlyn gets a bit snappy with Lyn as she asks her to go look at the example pattern again. Lyn interviews that Karlyn is "quick-tempered" and will blow her stack if she's not in control. The over/under on their race placement just dropped three spots.

Duke/Lauren and Tyler/James arrive. Lauren directs the bottom placement of red bricks, and Duke tells her that this can't be it; it's not working. Note how instead of screaming at each other or insisting that the other person is a moron who needs to shut up, they concentrate on the pattern, and try to figure out where they went astray. I like them. Tyler and James are the first to figure out the trick with the gray bricks, and Duke realizes it soon after. Hey, the two teams that aren't freaking out were able to solve the puzzle faster! Uncanny! Peter and Sarah are third to catch the snap, and Lyn and Karlyn finally start grabbing gray ones as well. Everyone's building steadily now. The second group arrives at the pedicabs, minus a lagging David and Mary. Dustin and Kandice head for Labor. Kellie and Jamie are cheerleaders, and Tom and Terry are hothouse flowers, so they naturally head for Leisure. They immediately get snarled in some traffic. David and Mary arrive a few moments later and pick Labor. Vipul and Arti are lost. They're going in circles, and can't find anyone to direct them to the pedicabs. Rob and Kimberly have found them, and Rob snipes impatiently at Kimberly to pick a Detour. She picks Labor. Probably the right choice for these two tiresome people, although it would have done my evil heart good to see them try and do the relaxation routine. Erwin and Godwin also choose Labor. Vipul and Arti still can't find anyone to help them, and being perilously lost must mean it's time for...

Commercials. Poseidon almost kills a fisherwoman because he has a headache. Maybe it's decompression sickness.

Vipul is cursing their luck at being stuck at a red light, but while they're stuck, Arti finds someone who tells them the way to the pedicabs. Hey, maybe there's something to that karma nickname after all. They find the pedicabs and head to Labor, but they're far behind by this point. The Labor teams are still building. Peter, who was spazzing at Sarah before to leave him alone and let him work, is now spazzing at Sarah to help him. Oh, and spazzing at Lauren to move a little so he can see the example pattern. Tyler and James finish first, and receive their next clue, which directs them to take a taxi to the pitstop at Juyongguan. I totally spelled that myself, and didn't use the subtitle at all. I sense I'm not fooling anyone. It's one of the gateways to the Great Wall of China. Oh, but they can't just run up to the mat. They have to scale up a rope climb and onto the Great Wall to reach it. I think this is the most difficult first leg ever run, which is great.

Tyler and James begin to hunt for a taxi. Peter and Sarah finish their sidewalk, and are off. Sarah's excited about the wall climb. Ah, this show's little ironies. Nuggets of joy, every one of them. After they're gone, Karlyn snarks that Peter tries to micromanage everything. Although Karlyn's grapes are beyond sour by now, she's got a point. Tyler and James see that Dustin and Kandice are arriving. Kandice interviews that the model boys are "attractive" and "dangerous". Oh, good. I was hoping for an exact replay of the whole Tool/Double D thing, because that was so much fun. As Dustin and Kandice get started on the bricks, Duke and Lauren finish up. They leave for the Great Wall. Peter spazzes at Sarah to get over to him, because he found a taxi. "Cab! Taxi!" she yells. These two are weird. It looks like they may steal the cab from an everyday citizen by claiming it's an emergency, though I'm not sure. Hmm. Using the artificial leg to get ahead of other teams? Fine. Using the artificial leg to swindle the general populace? Not as fine. Sarah hopes to slow the hydraulic fluid leak as much as possible. Tyler and James are still looking for a cab, but Duke and Lauren have no trouble finding one.

David and Mary arrive at Labor and greet Lyn and Karlyn. Tyler and James finally find a cab. Rob and Kimberly arrive at Labor. Lyn and Karlyn finish up, and leave for the Great Wall in fourth. Dustin and Kandice, who arrived at Labor at least fifteen minutes after the first group, are already done. Wow, I have to give them kudos for that one. Rob and Kimberly have started with the incorrect red bricks, and are already at each other's throats. David is walking right by them with the gray bricks, but they're too busy trying to one-up each other to notice. Rob interviews that "99.9% of the time", he's in love with Kimberly, but "the other 1%" is when they take tones with each other. Maybe she's taking a tone with him because he can't count to 100. They finally see David with the gray stones (what, you think they'd figure it out on their own?), and get back on track.

Kellie and Jamie are doing an annoying cheer in their pedicab. Tom and Terry, right behind them, do an identical cheer. I'd love to believe they're mocking the cheerleaders, but I think it's a weird bonding thing. They arrive at Leisure. The routine is more difficult than I originally thought, because you have to balance a ball on a large paddle, and occasionally toss it up into the air and catch it while you dance. They begin. Tom drops a ball, and there's an honest to goodness scratching-needle-on-record sound. Is this America's Next Top Model all of a sudden? Should I listen for the Crickets of Oh No You Di'int? Erwin and Godwin arrive at Labor. They pick up gray bricks immediately, but they're from David and Mary's pile. Hehehe. Everyone realizes it was an accident, and laughs it off good-naturedly. The teams at Leisure continue trying to catch their balls on the paddles. Vipul and Arti reach Labor. It appears that they know to use the gray bricks right away.

Gorgeous shot of the Great Wall. Peter and Sarah are psyching themselves up for the wall climb. Sarah interviews that Peter might be her great love, and that she has to risk her heart. Before we can completely slip into Sense and Sensibility, Duke and Lauren's cab has passed them. There's a slow-motion shot of Duke kissing Lauren's cheek, which I gather is supposed to be heart-warming. And it might have been, if the slow-motion shot didn't continue into Lauren wiping his spit off with her hand and making an "Ew" face. Tyler and James are fast arriving. Duke and Lauren stop to ask where the wall climb is, so Peter and Sarah surge ahead. They run up a flight of stairs, with Peter spazzing encouragement to Sarah the whole time. "You are my girl. You are solid. You are an All-American. You're a world-class athlete." Oh, how sweet. May I add one? "You are in the wrong place." Yep, they're on the wall all right, but not at the wall climb.

Tyler and James are first there, with Duke and Lauren right behind. James blahs something about being able to rely on Tyler. Tyler studs that he's not even going to use the rope's loops to help him climb, and makes it about two inches up before he decides that he needs them after all. Ha! Peter and Sarah arrive and suit up. Duke starts up the wall. Sarah does too, but has significant difficulty finding a foothold for her artificial leg. Tyler's up. Duke's making progress. Sarah continues to struggle. See, Karlyn? It's not all perks and early flight boarding.

Commercials. You know what makes tea taste better? Making the bag pyramid-shaped.

Sarah is still having trouble, but begins to make some progress up the wall. James is already finished, so he and Tyler easily hit the mat in first place. The white, muscly, pretty-boys in first? How exciting! I just may fall right off of my zzzz....... They win $20,000, and congratulate themselves on their "character". Ew. You know, they haven't done anything particularly annoying or smarmy or sexist this entire episode. And yet? I'm so stupefyingly bored with this archetype always leading the pack that I still want them to go away. Oh, well. I tried.

As Duke nears the top of the wall, Lauren starts to cry, because she sees how hard he's working and she's really proud of him. Aw. Lauren starts up the wall as Sarah's about 60% done. It looks like she's doing it by completely ignoring her artificial leg, using the rope loops for her other foot, and pulling herself up completely with her upper body. That shit is hard. Good for her. She makes it to the top, and Peter begins climbing. Lauren reaches the top, so she and Duke hit the mat in second. Yay! They're happy to be doing so well as a team. Peter reaches the top, so he and Sarah take third place.

Back at Labor, the news isn't so sunny. Mary's screeching tendencies have returned. She snaps at David to tend to his own section, because she's not his slave, and blah blah blah. It is fairly cute when they finish, and she thanks the man who gives them their clue in Chinese. She's never been out of a two-state area, and took the bother to learn how to thank people in their native tongue. Kinda makes people who snap rudely at the locals look like even bigger douchebags, huh? Rob and Kimberly finish their bricklaying just as Dustin and Kandice are starting up the wall climb. Lyn and Karlyn have reached the wall and are none too pleased with the task that awaits. Kandice reaches the top of the wall and kisses it. I don't know whether to be grossed out, or kind of impressed that a beauty queen is willing to kiss something that's had birds shitting on it for 640 years. Karlyn starts the climb, and doesn't do well, probably because she's not using the loops.

Erwin/Godwin and Vipul/Arti continue bricklaying. Tom and Terry finish the routine over at Leisure, although I will point out that they did it pretty much the opposite of "in unison". Apparently, it's good enough. They leave for the wall. Dustin and Kandice check in as team number four. Kellie and Jamie finish Leisure. Jamie reads off the clue. "Take a taxi to the Great Wall and find...whatever." Heh. Who would have thought "Juyongguan" would give them such trouble? David and Mary zoom along in their taxi. Erwin and Godwin finish Labor. They wish Vipul and Arti luck. They find a taxi, and... Hey, are Rob and Kimberly still looking for one? I guess so, as they are just now getting into one. Erwin and Godwin agree to let them follow to the Great Wall. Tom/Terry and David/Mary arrive at the wall climb, where Karlyn is still trying to even get started up. Tom and David start climbing. Mary thinks the climb looks really hard. Tom freaks out a bit about falling. Karlyn has finally started using the loops, but not very well. Vipul and Arti finish Labor. Teams continue climbing, but Karlyn falls right off the rope. It's only about three feet down, and both Lyn and the safety rope catch her, but yikes.

Commercials. I have to admit loving that commercial where the insomniac guy sits down at the kitchen table to have a chat with the dreams that miss him.

Karlyn gets the hang of the loops. No pun intended. Terry yells encouragement to Tom. David calls some advice down to Mary, and she thanks him by snapping that he's helping other teams. I think I've got it now. She's nice to absolutely everyone except her husband. How romantic. Rob/Kimberly and Erwin/Godwin arrive. Kimberly smokes Godwin on the wall. That's pretty freaking funny. Kellie and Jamie are just now arriving. Kellie seems to have no trouble climbing. Vipul and Arti are on their way, but it's not looking good for them. David finishes climbing, and Mary cautiously begins, naturally taking time out to yell a couple of times for her helpful husband to shut up. Karlyn makes it up the wall. Yay! She's not my favorite person ever, but that was extremely difficult for her, and she stuck with it. Tom makes it up. Kimberly makes it up. Good Lord, she was fast. Godwin makes it up. Kellie makes it up. Rob makes it up. So despite being on the loser flight, getting the loser tab at the Forbidden City, doing a mediocre job at the Detour, and taking forever to find a cab, one good wall climb has vaulted Rob and Kimberly into fifth place. Hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Ditto Kellie and Jamie checking in as team number six. Erwin and Godwin check in as team number seven. Tom and Terry are eight.

Mary and Lyn struggle on the wall. Both David and Karlyn are trying to be supportive. One of the wall climbers keeps steadily working; one yells for her teammate to shut up. I'll leave it to you to guess which is which. Vipul and Arti are still in their cab. Sigh. Lyn makes progress. Karlyn yells down that this can't be any worse than childbirth. Hehe. Lyn finishes, and they check in as team nine. A significant slip. They're in trouble. They're understandably proud of themselves for making it over the wall. Mary apologizes for not being faster. David yells back that he still loves her. "Yeah, I'm sure," she snots. She finally makes it up, and apologizes some more. They're convinced they're last, and are stunned to find that they're team number ten. Mary hugs everyone, from Phil to David to the greeters standing nearby. Heh. Poor Vipul and Arti still have to do the wall climb, which they seem to be good at. They check in, and are eliminated. Damn. Their last interview is about how much they love and respect one another, and not that blatant ass-covering, you-just-saw-us-fight-for-three-weeks-but-we're-soulmates crap. Sigh. So two of the least annoying teams are the first two eliminated. I don't like what that portends.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Rob and Kimberly fight yet some more. Oh, fucking go home. Someone falls off a horse, and someone else gets dragged by one. Ouch! Peter and Sarah lose control of an ox-type animal, and Sarah breaks down crying.

Overall Grade: B+