Let's Name Our Chicken Phil

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 4

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ronald got a hernia, which is bad news for his comfort and racing ability, but good news in that he became less likely to rail at his daughter. The teams traveled to Burkina Faso, where they were schooled by camels before being schooled in an actual school. Azaria and Hendekea approached each task calmly and thoughtfully, and surged into the lead. Funny how that works. Lorena and Jason (Lorena, anyway) approached each task loudly and hysterically, and sank to last place. Funny how that works. Julia very helpfully gave Lorena the advice she needed to pass the sisters, leading to their sad, but very deserved elimination. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Jason and Lorena skip happily through the forest. The scene where she encounters a ladybug and breaks down into wrenching sobs must have been edited out.

There was a town in Burkina Faso, and Bingo was its name-o. The local kids play and dance, as Phil explains that Burkina Faso is coming into its own, as far as hosting international festivals of art, music, and filmmaking. Wow, really? That's pretty cool. I accidentally listen to Phil's Opening Blather, which is just as suspense-killing as I remember. Crud. Azaria and Hendekea's arrival time isn't mentioned, so this may be one of those weird pitstops that's not twelve hours long. In any event, they get their first clue at 7:58 AM. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to follow a marked path to another small village, where they will need to find the tribal chief. He has a difficult name they don't bother to subtitle, so Tribal Chief it is. Phil explains to us that the chief will hand over the next clue, along with a "customary gift of generosity". That's meant to be very mysterious, and perhaps would have been, if they hadn't inserted a crowing rooster sound. Really, show. Suspense. It's a good thing.

Teams aren't getting any money for this leg of the race. Whee! Azaria says that Hendekea has physical limitations. "Physical limitations, like I'm a [blurred word]," she replies. Ooh, I wonder what went there. Something that relates to "a gimp leg". My guess? Retard. They easily find Tribal Chief, and he directs them to select a nearby chicken and stuff it into a mesh bag. Hendekea picks a docile one, and it goes into the bag with no trouble. Tribal Chief hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel a hundred miles by taxi to the town of Bouda Pelegtanga, where the next clue awaits. Also, teams must keep their chicken with them at all times to successfully complete the leg. Oh, it's like that school project where they make you babysit a sack of flour for a week. Only this bag of flour is a lot more noisy, and prone to pooping. Unless there's a thriving industry in transporting people three hundred feet across Bingo that I don't know about, it looks like taxis have been provided. Azaria and Henkedea hop into one, and Azaria asks Hendekea what he can do to make her move faster. She snaps that she's going as fast as she can. Yeah, it's not like she's slacking. You'd think an engineer would know something about why the taller teammate moves faster.

TK and Rachel leave the mat at 8:12 AM. TK says that if they put too much pressure on themselves, they'll start screwing up, so they're going to keep on being as calm as possible. Nathan and Jennifer leave the mat at 8:13 AM. Jennifer notes that since they've placed in the top three in the past couple of legs, getting first place is not beyond their reach. Certainly not if other teams politely step aside and give Queen Jennifer her due. Uh, spoiler. In other distressing news, Nathan is wearing black socks with shorts. Kynt and Vyxsin leave the mat at 8:14 AM. Kynt says that they're both very sincere, genuine people, despite what you might think when faced with their Goth exterior. Given that they act about as Gothic as a Girl Scout bake sale, I think the denizens of the world can manage. Ronald and Christina are off at 8:15 AM. They're happy with the way both their relationship and their race placement are improving. Nicolas and Donald leave at 8:16 AM. Nicolas says that Donald's life experience is a "great pool to draw from". Unfortunately, that pool has one of those "NO RUNNING" signs spray-painted on the edge, and Donald can't keep up with the jogging pace that Nicolas has set.

Wacky music plays as this knot of teams goes to grab their chickens. TK and Rachel have no problem, but Nathan and Jennifer's flaps its way out of the bag. A nearby little boy giggles in delight. Hehe. They work it out, and both teams grab taxis. TK encourages Rachel to give his chicken a smooch. No, not like that, perv. Azaria and Hendekea are still enjoying the beauty of Africa. They've traveled to Ethiopia before, and Hendekea says the people in Africa are "always so happy and friendly and warm". Let's not go nuts. It's insulting to act all "Ewww! Poor people!" like the IBs last week, but I'm not sure it's much less insulting to treat the entire continent like the It's A Small World ride. Vyxsin, Ronald, and Donald grab chickens, then cabs. Ronald lets his "good chicken" partway out of the bag, and it rewards him by pecking him in the hand. Meanwhile, the IBs are leaving the mat at 8:38 AM. IB#1 says that they're equal partners in the team, and that they'll both speak their minds. As will the chicken they try to stuff into the bag. He makes a narrow escape, but they manage to trap another one. In the cab, IB#1 gives us the titular quote, as their rooster's comb is very reminiscent of Phil's spiky, wet hair last week. There's a hilarious flashback for the forgetful.

Azaria and Hendekea pull up at Bouda Pelegtanga, and Hendekea darts off to take a quick pee break. This somehow pisses Azaria off (so to speak), because I guess Hendekea should have trained herself not to expel any liquid before coming on the race. Damn her and her functioning kidneys! Since she's off squeezing the Charmin, Nathan/Jennifer and TK/Rachel get to the cluebox first. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Shake Your Pan or Shake Your Booty. In Shake Your Pan, teams head over to a gold mining pit and use "local methods" to pan for a minimum of one ounce of gold. I'm glad we're traveling to exotic locations and such, but their "local method" is exactly the same as ours. Is there more than one way to pan for gold? It'd be like using the "local method" to tie your shoe. Once the team has enough gold, they can turn it in for the next clue. Phil says that although the task is physically demanding, the outcome is measured objectively. An ounce is an ounce.

In Shake Your Booty, teams "learn" a traditional local dance, then perform it for a panel of "local celebrities" and a large crowd of onlookers. Why, yes. This is a shameless ploy to remind people of American Idol. Nice catch. The dance must also incorporate some creative dance moves, so basically, the team can just get out there and do whatever they want. If the judges are impressed, the team gets a clue. If they're not, the team has to sit and wait for ten minutes before getting a clue. The people demonstrating the dance are dressed up in body-encompassing costumes, and it's a shame they don't force the contestants to wear them. Phil warns that the outcome of this task is subjective. Eh, this is kind of weak. Panning for gold will take a while no matter what, and there's nothing stopping a team from simply choosing Shake Your Booty, intentionally sucking, and taking a ten-minute breather. They may not even lose any time on the other teams, and have accomplished nothing in the meantime. Bleh.

Anyhow, Nathan and Jennifer know a lot about making themselves look foolish in front of a large audience, so they pick Shake Your Booty, as do TK and Rachel. Azaria and Hendekea get the Detour clue and choose the same thing. Remember Lorena and Jason? They're just now leaving the mat at 10:07 AM. Lorena says that yesterday was tough, but she's hoping to keep her cool and work her way back up to the front of the pack. Hope springs eternal. THEY PLEDGE NOT TO GIVE UP. Sorry, I don't mean to yell at you, but they will repeat this sentiment approximately four hundred trillion times over the next forty minutes, so we must be sure you understand that THEY WON'T GIVE UP. Nicolas and Donald's taxi passes Kynt and Vyxsin, who Nicolas refers to as "The Pinkies". Heh. That's way more apt than "The Goths". Jason snags a chicken. He and Lorena hop in their taxi, and now there's nothing to do but hope a team ahead of them screws up, somehow. It's certainly been known to happen. Ronald and Christina pass the Pinkies. The curse of the slow cab driver! You never know when it will strike.

Nathan and Jennifer learn their dance moves. It's a lot of stomping and thrusting poles into the ground. Jennifer's danced for the LA Clippers, and she tries to coach Nathan along. They walk out into the Circle of Judgement. They stomp. They thrust their poles. The music would have us know that a nearby costumed dancer is unimpressed. More stomping. A local laughs heartily at how dumb they look. Azaria and Hendekea practice on the sidelines. Nathan and Jennifer finish their dance, and just in case you thought they didn't do too badly, the editors help you out by inserting cricket noises. One of the judges tells them they had no creativity, which is true. They sure stomped a lot, but I didn't see them add anything extra. Jennifer is disappointed, because a ten-minute penalty could "cost [them] first place". Let's stick a little bookmark in this moment. Nicolas and Donald reach the Detour, and choose Shake Your Pan. After the sweet dance moves Donald broke out last week? Christina tells us that Ronald is a really wild dancer, so they head for Shake Your Booty. On the walk over, Christina advises him to smile the whole time. Rub some Vaseline on your teeth! Make a rambling speech about U.S. Americans!

After ten seconds of instruction, TK and Rachel have decided the dance is too difficult, and they ditch to go mine for gold. Ooh, big mistake. Performance tasks on this show rarely have to be any good. They just would have had to go out there, be enthusiastic, and throw in a couple of original moves. They'd have been passed in a heartbeat. TK and Rachel wander off in no particular direction, as is their wont. Nicolas and Donald reach the mining pits. Azaria and Hendekea dance, and although it doesn't look appreciably different from Nathan and Jennifer's, they're passed. They thank the judges and get their clue, and Jennifer's perma-bitchface deepens. Nathan complains that they're not in first place anymore. You mean the first place you were in for five minutes because Hendekea had to pee? Yeah, I wouldn't be too proud of that.

Azaria and Hendekea open their clue. Rrrrrrrip! They must now make their way on foot to the Pelegtanga Market to find the next cluebox. Oh, and "Caution: U-Turn ahead". Oh, a new race twist? What will it be? Something cool, like the Intersection, or something irritating, like the Yield? Let's find out! Phil explains that there are only two U-Turns on the race, and a team may only use it once. A U-Turn forces a team behind you to go back and complete the Detour option that they haven't already done. Ooh, twisted! I'm not a huge fan of race aspects that allow someone to screw over another team (I'm a reward merit and punish incompetence kind of guy -- If you're fast and smart, you're first. If you're slow and/or dumb, you come in last and are eliminated). Still, I much prefer this kind of interference to the Yield, because the U-Turned team will only be limited by how well they complete the other task, and aren't just waiting out the clock.

Azaria and Hendekea grab their chicken and take off. The Pinkies reach the Detour and choose Shake Your Booty. Nathan and Jennifer's penalty time runs out, and they get the clue that sends them to Pelegtanga Market. Azaria and Hendekea choose to pass the U-Turn without using it, and the market's cluebox is nearby. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a taxi to another market: Tampouy Goat Market, on the outskirts of Ouagadougou. Their taxi driver seems to know exactly where it is. TK and Rachel are still wandering around, looking for the gold mining pits. They could have danced three times by now. Nicolas and Donald make good progress on the gold. Ronald and Christina dance, and interpret the "shake your booty" Detour title very literally. The locals laugh at them. Nicolas and Donald think they have enough gold. Ronald and Christina are told their "free creativity" was not very good, and they step to the side to wait out their ten-minute penalty. Nicolas and Donald's gold is approved, so they tore through that Detour pretty damn quick. They pick up their chicken and leave, meeting TK and Rachel on their way out, and telling them that it's no sweat.

Nathan and Jennifer choose not to U-Turn anybody, get their clue, and head for the goat market. The IBs reach the Detour, and naturally choose Shake Your Booty. Jason and Lorena's cab is still way behind, and they pass the time by bonding with their chicken. TK and Rachel aren't finding any gold, because they refuse to actually get down into the pit, and are just sort of swiping at the surface of the muck. They're also trying to sift through the rubble with their hands instead of rinsing it off so they can see the gold. Sigh. The Pinkies dance. Kynt improvises some impressive rod-twirling moves that are very ninja-esque. Vyxsin stomps in the background, and the two of them end their dance with very dramatic poses. The crowd applauds, and they easily pass the Circle of Judgement. Nicolas and Donald have gone in the wrong direction. They're lucky TK and Rachel are around, or it'd be their trademark. "We're clueless!" Nicolas exclaims, as he clutches...the clue. The Pinkies choose not to U-Turn anybody. In the taxi, Kynt says that the African people they've met have been very warm and welcoming. Vyxsin cradles the chicken like a baby. Hehe. Ronald and Christina's penalty time runs out, and they manage to reach the U-Turn just ahead of Nicolas and Donald. Neither team uses it, and they grab taxis to the goat market.

TK is finally dredging up some gold. The IBs are "dancing". That is to say, they're crawling on the ground so that IB#2 can show plenty of boob. They also do some sort of snake-charmer-waist-wiggle. They finish, and await the judges' decision. TK and Rachel turn in their gold, and get their clue. The IBs miraculously pass the Circle of Judgement.

LabRat: "Well, at least nobody can say Azaria and Hendekea got through on the race card, because these two sucked."

The IBs get their clue, and spot the Pelegtanga Market. TK and Rachel also see it, but won't be able to catch up in time. IB#1 prepares to use the U-Turn, although IB#2 doesn't want to. "It's a game. They understand it, and they would absolutely do it to us." Thank you. Like I said, I generally don't enjoy teams throwing a wrench into each others' works, but if the U-Turn or the Yield is part of the game, it's not rude or unfair to use it, and it's very unwise to ignore it. TK prays the IBs don't U-Turn them. The IBs prepare to do the deed.

Commercials. I have to say, I really enjoy this "Things You Can Do With One Finger" ad, even if I'll never be wealthy enough to worry about private brokers.

The IBs don't realize TK and Rachel have slipped so far, and think Jason and Lorena are the team behind them. So they U-Turn Jason and Lorena. IB#2 is crabbing that it's "wrong", but IB#1 makes the same point I just did. The U-Turn is part of the game. If a game allows you to send someone back three spaces, or make them fork over a lot of pink rent money, or declare that they're not allowed to talk until someone says their full name, then you're not being mean, because you both knew this was a possible outcome when you agreed to abide by the game's rules. And if we set aside morality for a moment, this was the wisest thing the IBs could have done at this point. They know Jason and Lorena are trailing. They know Jason and Lorena have come in first in a previous leg. The more you can make a struggling team bleed time, the better the chances are that they'll be eliminated, and improve your chances in the competition. In fact, anyone who used the U-Turn at this point would have done well to pick Jason and Lorena. If you U-Turn someone right behind you, you may knock them down a place or two, but they'll still be in the race, and out for revenge. Knocking out the last-place team is the best move, especially for the IBs, who are in sixth place, and may very well need this U-Turn to survive.

They paste up the pictures of themselves and of Jason and Lorena, complimenting their own picture as they run for the clue. TK and Rachel reach the U-Turn, and are relieved to see what's happened. TK interviews that the IBs made a bad strategic move, because it'll put "a target on their back". BZZZT! Stop making me take IB#1's side so much! They did what they thought they had to do to stay in the race. It was not only a reasonable choice, it was the smart one, and the only way it'd put a target on their backs is if Jason and Lorena can make up three tasks' worth of time on everyone. It's not impossible, but it sure is unlikely. The IBs bicker about the U-Turn choice as they run for the taxi. IB#1 says she doesn't want to be out of the game so that they could act nice towards a competitor. Seriously, IB#2. Why don't you ask Julia how that worked out for her? The IBs and TK/Rachel get into their taxis. IB#1 tells the camera that she knows Jason and Lorena will hate them, but they had no choice. She says she loves Jason and Lorena, but U-Turning them was the smartest thing to do. No argument here. IB#2 brings up bad karma, and IB#1 makes another good point (stop it!) by saying that there is no bad karma in a game. As long as you're following the rules, you're not being evil.

Jason and Lorena reach the Detour, and choose Shake Your Booty. Azaria and Hendekea see three or four goats crammed into a small basket on the back of a motorcycle. Eesh. Those poor things. Nathan and Jennifer see a similar motorcycle basket crammed with chickens. Azaria and Hendekea reach the market, jump out of the taxi, and grab the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's ready for a juggling act?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to load up a bicycle with an unwieldy amount of supplies, including a live goat. Then they have to ride the bike to deliver the goods to a vendor, who will hand over the next clue. Azaria takes it on. Nathan and Jennifer aren't far behind, and Jennifer takes the Roadblock. Azaria reads off the list of supplies: three African print blankets, a free-standing plant, two big, yellow jugs, a bundle of sticks, two tea kettles, two rings of twine, and the aforementioned goat in a laundry basket. The Roadblockers get started by picking out goats. Azaria forces the twine rings over his own head. Jennifer kindly apologizes to her goat as she straps him down. "Is this too tight?" she asks. "BAAAAAAAAA!" the goat bleats unhappily. Aw.

Jason and Lorena do a dance that includes a lot of squatting. Lorena says she's always loved dancing, and Jason adds that the dance floor is where he first fell in love with her. That's sweet. Lorena grins. She's spent so much time howling that I don't think I've had time to say how pretty she is, but when she's not a hopeless emotional wreck, she's really attractive. They finish, and the judges tell them their dance was very good. Off they go! TK and Rachel's taxi passes the IBs'. The IBs stress about doing well at the Roadblock. Speaking of which, Azaria and Jennifer finish loading their supplies, and begin asking around for directions to the correct vendor. As Jennifer and an onlooker consult her clue, her goat raises his head and tries to take a corner of it off. Hahaha! Both of the Roadblockers get guides, and I guess they don't really have to ride the bikes to get credit for the task, because they're just walking them.

The next group of teams arrives at the Roadblock. Vyxsin takes it on, as do Christina and Nicolas. They make their way over to the pile of supplies. Jason and Lorena are discovering that they've been U-Turned, and are understandably not thrilled with the situation. They head back to pan for gold, and are still hoping to catch up. I'm all for powering through a tough task no matter how grim the outlook seems. Jennifer is rudely snapping "faster!" at the locals. She's having trouble finding the vendor, because she doesn't speak "a lick of French". Azaria does speak a little, so he manages to track the vendor down. As he drops off his supplies, Jennifer finds her vendor. Azaria gets his clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a taxi to the pitstop, the Hotel de Ville in Ouagadougou. I suppose the teams will be going someplace new next week, and I'm going to miss hearing the word "Ouagadougou" so much. Phil reminds us that teams must check in with "chicken in hand". Hehe. And no matter how healthy a team's chicken is, last one to the mat is a rotten egg.

Jennifer gets her clue. Azaria and Hendekea haul ass to their taxi. Jennifer is tired from the task, so she and Nathan are walking. They're still hot on Azaria and Hendekea's trail, though, and Azaria tries to impart to their driver that he doesn't want to get passed. Nathan tries to hug and congratulate Jennifer on a job well done, but she feels sweaty and gross, and shrugs him off. Lorena and Jason tear through Shake Your Pan. Why couldn't they have been this nice and functional in the other legs? Ronald begins lecturing Christina again (in Chinese, no less) about how to load the bike, but when she asks him to back off, he does. Progress! Vyxsin has problems keeping her bike righted, which is pretty integral to the whole load-things-onto-it process. Nicolas is able to ride his loaded bicycle. Impressive. Christina walks with hers. Jason and Lorena find wads of gold. TK/Rachel and the IBs reach the Roadblock, and Rachel and IB#1 take it on. They get started, and TK guilts IB#2 about using the U-Turn. She actually buys into the idea that it was a strategic mistake. Oh, for crying out loud. This is what Galileo must have felt like as he tried to explain the whole heliocentrism thing. Jason and Lorena are done with the gold. THEY'RE NOT GIVING UP.

Commercials. Sorry those slutty twins didn't deliver your pizza, kid. Maybe next time.

Nicolas and Christina look for their vendors. Vyxsin continues to wrestle with her bike. Rachel and IB#1 have issues tying the jugs onto the back of theirs. Jason and Lorena are now free to head for the Roadblock. THEY'RE NOT GIVING UP. Vyxsin's finally done loading, and rides off to look for her vendor. She's struck by the conditions surrounding her, particularly the piles of garbage on the side of the road. A pack of kids willingly leads her towards the vendors. It's very heartwarming. No, really. Rachel has to fix one of her knots. IB#1 apologizes to her unhappy goat, wary of getting bitten. Azaria leans out of the window of his taxi to wave at Nathan and Jennifer, which is such blatant Fate-tempting, I'm surprised they didn't blow a tire on the spot. Azaria tells Hendekea to focus her mind. She's like "Yeah. Run for the mat. Consider it understood." Both teams approach the Hotel de Ville. It's a sprint to the mat! Azaria and Hendekea are in the lead. Azaria drops something, which Nathan gleefully yells out. Azaria somehow fails to care, and keeps running.

And then, oh how I wish I were making this up, Jennifer screams out "Come ON, you guys! You've got first three times! [which, no they haven't]". It's like I've fallen through the looking glass. What the holy fuck is up with these people and their twisted senses of morality? This is The Amazing Race, not The Amazing Share. In this alternate universe, when you play a game, you play to lose. You should willingly help opposing teams through tough tasks, never use game-allowed penalties on someone else, and graciously allow others to pass you, as long as they ask. See, this is what happens when you start giving ribbons to every kid that enters the science fair. Thankfully, Azaria and Hendekea realize that this isn't kindergarten, and beat Nathan and Jennifer to the mat by about a second. The greeter welcomes everyone, and Phil ascertains that both teams have their chickens. They do, so Phil announces that Azaria and Hendekea are team number one, and have won motor scooters. Nathan and Jennifer are team two. Jennifer is frustrated because "everyone should have their time" to come in first, and Azaria and Hendekea have "already had their time". I highlight the word competition in the nearest dictionary and chuck it at Jennifer's head. Hendekea somehow finds a polite way to say "Um, blow it out your ass, princess".

IB#1 and Rachel are still madly loading down their bikes. Nicolas finds his vendor, gets the clue, and pats Christina's head on his way back. Heh. Christina soon finds her vendor as well. Vyxsin rides by a pile of fish with flies swarming all over it. She finds her vendor. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. Rachel finishes loading, and stuffs the clue in her bra. Ha! It's the little things that make this show great. She rides off. Nicolas, Christina, and Vyxsin return to get their taxis, and the IBs worry that things aren't looking good for them. I guess we're not supposed to notice that things would be looking even worse if they hadn't U-Turned Jason and Lorena. Now that Vyxsin has time to think, the weight of the poor conditions that the people around her must live in closes in on her, and she begins to cry. You can tell that Kynt has absolutely no idea how to handle this, but he comforts her as best he can. Rachel looks for her vendor, as does IB#1, who must have finished loading at some point. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. IB#2 frets that they're going to catch up. IB#1 and Rachel flail. Jason and Lorena stay firm in their resolve to NEVER GIVE UP.

Commercials. If I ever feel compelled to start keeping sorrowful diary entries about my joint pain, I will have officially become the most boring person on the planet.

Jason doesn't want to lose the race because of a "stupid U-Turn". Sorry, but that's not quite what has happened; it's pretty much the same situation as Double D. Yes, the U-Turn put you into a bad position, but you weren't exactly kicking ass when it came along. Rachel and IB#1 continue to hunt for their vendors. Meanwhile, it's another sprint to the mat! This time, it's between Ronald/Christina and Nicolas/Donald. Although Ronald's hernia is causing him significant pain, Nicolas and Donald manage to walk in the wrong direction again, giving Ronald and Christina the edge to check in (with their chicken, natch) as team three, their highest placement so far. Nicolas and Donald stroll to the mat and check in as team four (ditto). Nicolas gives Christina a low five and puts his arm on her shoulder. I guess he doesn't know that he's supposed to be whining about how she should have stood aside and let him and Donald check in first. Both teams are thrilled to be "climbing the ladder".

Rachel and IB#1 finally find their vendors. They get their clues, and head back. Well, IB#1 heads back. In the grand tradition of TK and Rachel not being particularly good at knowing where they're going, Rachel doesn't know where she's going. She walks in the wrong direction. IB#1 makes it back, and TK asks if she's seen Rachel. She has, but is pretty certain Rachel is heading in the wrong direction. Rachel has no clue where she is. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. The Pinkies and their chicken check in as team five. Phil asks them what the reaction to their makeup and outfits has been, and they praise how tolerant the locals are. The greeter smiles gently. Vyxsin calls it a "life-altering" experience, so perhaps she's rethinking how important that glitter eyeshadow is in the grand scheme of things. She has a very cool interview, in which she says that while she and Kynt are of course focused on doing well in the race, she's not blind, and it's heartbreaking to see such wonderful people have to make do with so little. There's the nice middle ground between "Everything in Africa is wonderful!" and "Ew, stinky Africans!" I was looking for.

Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. They pledge to "screw over the blonds". Really? Because the IBs are currently getting screwed over by checking in as team six. Rachel has managed to make it back to her vendor, who points her in the right direction. She finally makes it back to TK, and they leave for the pitstop. If she hadn't gotten so lost, they may well have gotten ahead of the IBs, so tell me again what a huge strategic mistake IB#1 made. Yeah, that's what I thought. So everyone's gone by the time Jason and Lorena make it to the Roadblock. Jason takes it on. THEY AREN'T GIVING UP. We don't spend too much time watching him complete the task, because what's the point, really? He finishes up, and they leave for the pitstop.

TK and Rachel check in as team seven. Rachel seems really surprised, though I don't see why. Lorena cries softly in their taxi. Jason says it's OK, and that they'll make a million dollars another way. Camel farm? Nah, probably not. They smile at each other. They reach the mat with their chicken, and are eliminated. They tell each other they did really well. Phil asks about their future, and Lorena says they'll definitely be staying together. She interviews that the race has given her lots to appreciate, and she can pretty much put the whole marriage idea on hold for a while. They hug, which the chicken between them does not appreciate. Jason asserts that two people can have a "deeper love" when they're not bound by marriage. Not to mention the fact that she can't take half his money. Ah, romance.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Ronald hurts himself at the Detour, as part of his quest to fall apart piece by piece. The IBs bicker, and possibly get knocked into the Great Beyond by a speeding bus. Yikes!

Overall Grade: B

Please, Lord, Give Me Milk

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams flew from Ireland to the Netherlands. Ronald passed the time by picking fights with Nicolas and Christina, while Lorena laid low to let Jason carry both of them through the leg to a first-place finish. Gee, I wonder what their placement will be when she starts contributing? At the other end of the spectrum, Kate and Pat were swell people, but not so adept at the whole "racing" thing, and were sadly eliminated. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Somehow, I doubt basketball is really one of the activities Nicolas and Donald enjoy together in real life. I guess there's just a strict law requiring basketball to show up in the opening credits somewhere.

Amsterdam, the Netherlands. Phil lets us know that Ronald developed a hernia while pedaling the cargo bike at the end of the last leg, and needed medical attention. I guess Karma was still sticking around after Ari and Staella's departure, and had time to smite someone else before she had to take off. Ronald and Christina interview that this setback doesn't weaken their determination to do well in the race. Maybe it'll even be to their advantage. Gretchen certainly became more tolerable after she got bonked in the head. Jason and Lorena leave the mat first at 4:19 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to Ouagadougou (which is in Burkina Faso). And yes, listening to the teams murder the word "Ouagadougou" is great fun. The clue doesn't mention Burkina Faso, so teams will have to figure that out for themselves. Hopefully, they don't wind up in Ouagadougou, Idaho. Once in Ouagadougou, teams will take a cab to the train station, where the next clue awaits. Jason interviews that Lorena can sometimes go all Exorcist-head-spinning crazy, and she smiles placidly.

Nathan and Jennifer (who are heading to Aa-ooga-doo-ow) leave the mat at 4:30 AM. They don't even make it to the airport before they start picking at each other. They bore me. The IBs leave the mat at 4:31 AM, and actually pronounce Ouagadougou correctly. They just keep shattering my preconceived notions of them! I'm so confused! Kynt and Vyxsin (Ooh-ga-doo-goo) leave at 5:21 AM. Vyxsin interviews that she takes on some of the masculine roles in her relationship with Kynt. No surprise there. At the airport, Jason and Lorena fruitlessly scan the monitors for a flight to Ouagadougou. Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs catch up.

Azaria and Hendekea (Oh-ah-gah-doh-goh) leave the mat at 5:22 AM. They peg it as being in Africa, which makes them very comfortable, because they're "from Ethiopia". I wasn't aware New Orleans belonged to Ethiopia. I'm all for embracing one's heritage, but I wouldn't jump the gun on assuming you'll know your way around an entire continent because your ancestors once lived in a small part of it. The three lead teams discover that Ouagadougou is in Burkina Faso, and that Air France is the carrier that will get them there. TK and Rachel (Oh-ah-gah-goh-doh-goh) leave the mat at 5:23 AM. They interview that they're not letting themselves get stressed out, and are just enjoying their success while having a good time. Sounds like someone visited a "coffee shop" during the rest period. Marianna and Julia (Ooh-gah-dah-gah-doo-gah-doo) leave the mat at 5:46 AM. Marianna says that Julia tends to get excited, which impairs her ability to think rationally. Hmm, I wonder if that could possibly have any bearing on this episode? It was so subtle! Nicolas and Donald (Oh-gah-dah-duh-goh) leave at 5:47 AM. Donald says he's just letting it all hang out on the race. Boy, I'll say. He's turning sixty-nine soon, but doesn't feel old. Well, good. He wants to show what a guy his age can do, and if previous lovable older contestants are any predictor, he'll putter around for a while and get eliminated by the halfway point.

Both Marianna/Julia and Nicolas/Donald borrow their cab drivers' cell phones and discover that they'll be going to Burkina Faso. Nicolas rightly points out that there probably won't be a ton of flights for that destination, so it's very important to get to the airport quickly. Nathan and Jennifer are finding out that, indeed, there's only one flight to Ouagadougou today. It departs Amsterdam at 8:00 AM, connects in Paris, and lands in Ouagadougou at 4:35 PM. Good thing we had the subtitles for that information, because the tense music is so annoyingly loud here, I can't understand a word the ticket agent is saying. Nathan and Jennifer's agent tells them that there's actually an earlier flight to Paris (7:20 AM), but that it's already full. They put themselves on the waiting list just in case, which is smart. Less smart is Nathan's assertion that if they manage to swing the earlier flight, they'll be "set". There's only one flight to Ouagadougou. I'm all for giving yourself as much padding as possible in connection times, but it's not like they'll be able to build a lead unless all the other teams miss the connecting flight. I suppose it's possible, but highly unlikely.

Kynt/Vyxsin, Azaria/Hendekea, and TK/Rachel arrive at the airport. Meanwhile, Ronald and Christina (Ouagadougou -- hey, another apt pronunciation!) leave the mat at 6:26 AM. Ouch. Ronald sheepishly interviews that he wasn't the best father on the last leg, in that he was overly harsh and demoralized Christina. He pledges to be more uplifting and stop criticizing her every move. Somebody got yelled at during the rest period. If he's good to his word, it'll make all our lives a lot easier, so let's hope he is. Kynt/Vyxsin, Azaria/Hendekea, and TK/Rachel get tickets for the 8:00 AM flight. Then Marianna/Julia and Nicolas/Donald. Nathan and Jennifer are told they can board the 7:20 AM flight, and are entirely too proud of themselves for it. They take off.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the airport at about 7:30 AM. It's a little dicey as to if they're going to make the 8:00 flight. Or it would have been if we hadn't gotten yet another string of "Oh, of course they're not going to make it" from other teams, which always means that the lagging team will make it just fine. As Ronald and Christina do. Ronald's hernia doesn't feel great from the running, but they're happy to make the flight. Nathan and Jennifer land in Paris. The 8:00 flight has mechanical problems, so the rest of the teams worry about making the connection to Ouagadougou. Yikes! Please don't let Nathan and Jennifer be right! Or more to the point, please don't let Nathan and Jennifer get an entire day's lead on the rest of the teams!

Commercials. It's relatively uncommon for a business to have commercials that are so fucking obnoxious, I flat out refuse to even consider patronizing it, but Jared jewelry stores have managed to pull it off. Congratulations.

The 8:00 AM flight takes off, though I'm not sure how much it was delayed. Nathan and Jennifer board the sole flight to Ouagadougou. The other teams land in Paris and run and run and run and run and run. Thankfully, they make it, to Nathan and Jennifer's consternation, and thus, my delight. Jennifer offers a patently phony "Glad you made it!" to the other teams as they board, then shrugs at Nathan, like, "Eh. We tried." The plane takes off.

Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. The locals dance around in costume and cheerfully ride their bikes down the street. The plane lands, and teams stream out of the airport to look for taxis to take them to the train station. Some of them get going pretty quickly, but the IBs are caught up in negotiation. They call out that they'll offer 3000 [CFA francs, I guess], and a nearby driver says "no problem". On the trip, they give him 5000, and distinctly ask for change more than once. Suddenly, he's not understanding them too well, and just says "thank you". Looks like the IBs are getting taken for two rides. IB#1 is getting agitated, but IB#2 tells her to relax, and that it's not like the driver is just going to steal their money. Uh, huh. As they ride through the neighborhood, the IBs notice that people in Africa aren't exactly like the people in Los Angeles. IB#1 wonders where they're being taken, and IB#2 cracks herself up by saying that they're being sold into slavery. Yeah, they deserve to be fleeced. Fleece them, cab driver!

Marianna and Julia are first to the train station. They say "Gracias" to the driver, because "Merci" is such an obscure word. They run everywhere but to the cluebox, so Nathan and Jennifer get there first. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to take a train to Bingo, which is out in the middle of the African savannah. There's no station, so once on the train, they'll have to pay close attention for Bingo to be called out, and not because someone has just won a shoe buffer. Sorry, I had to go there. The next clue will be waiting near the train's dropoff point. Marianna and Julia find the cluebox, as do Azaria/Hendekea and Ronald/Christina behind them. The IBs arrive, and the driver gives them back only half the change they agreed upon. They fight with him for a while, but he holds firm, so they get stiffed 1,000 CFA francs. As they angrily depart, he thanks them, wishes them "bon voyage", and laughs at them. I should be upset to see crooks get away with cheating people out of their money, but in this case, I've gotta say I laughed along with him. Ronald and Christina are finding out that the ticket window is closed, and will not reopen until 6:00 AM the next day, so everyone will catch up. The IBs are pissed off.

Night. The teams are settled somewhere, and a local is playing some wild drum music. Marianna and Julia are up and dancing, and one of them pulls Donald up to dance as well, over an interview of him saying that they're hot, and that they're "a little bitchy, but not bad. A guy could learn to live with it." Hahahahaha! The next morning, the locals are up and going through their morning routine, including requisite shots of heavy loads being balanced on people's heads. If only we could import that custom. It would certainly make the overly-narrow aisles at Trader Joe's more navigable. The teams climb aboard their train to Bingo. The IBs get settled in, then pass the time by indulging in stereotypically Ugly American behavior. They insult the locals' clothes and smell, and giggle nastily. Whew. I was starting to respect them, and I'm glad I can be pulled back from that ledge and reaffirm my original impression that they're spoiled assholes.

The train gets going. Nathan and Jennifer see an impressive goal scored in the soccer game they pass by. The IBs are complaining that there are flies in the train, and that there is trash piled up by the side of the tracks. IB#2 rubs lotion on herself as IB#1 declares that she could never live this way. Yeah, someone ought to explain to the locals how they're doing it wrong. Why do people choose to live in such poor conditions? They should withdraw some of the money in their trust funds to spruce up the place a bit. The other teams are enjoying Burkina Faso just fine. Azaria and Hendekea are about ready to start building a house here, while Nathan leans out of the train to happily take it all in.

The train stops in the middle of nowhere, which means they've arrived at Bingo. As funny as it would be if someone slept through the announcement or something, all of the teams hear the announcement and hop off. Ronald and Kynt have some issues jumping off onto the ground, the former due to his hernia and the latter because he seems to be in a whiny-ass mood. The cluebox doesn't take long to find, and TK and Rachel are first to get there. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's ready to work up a thirst?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must milk a camel. Yay, more potentially uncooperative animals! I could watch those every week. The Roadblocker must milk a camel until the liquid reaches the fill-line in a bowl. Once they've got enough, they must drink it. Phil takes an ominous tone to inform us that they must be careful not to spill the milk, and that if a Roadblocker's camel runs dry, the person will have to wait until someone else is done with their camel to use it. So, no teat-blocking.

Rachel essentially volunteers TK for the task, then apologizes for it. Hehe. Lorena will be milking for her team, because she'll clearly be so great at tasks that require concentration and patience. Azaria takes the Roadblock. Vyxsin. Nathan. IB#2. Julia. Marianna reads off part of the clue that says "Be mindful that camels are sensitive to fast movements and loud noises." The fact that there isn't a smash cut to Lorena here is unforgivable. Christina takes the Roadblock, as does Donald. Nicolas is happier about Grandpa taking this one than about the ditch vaulting last week. Indeed, Donald gets started with no problems, voicing-over that he's been around his share of farms and animals. TK makes soothing noises for his camel, while the noises Lorena is making can only be called diametrically opposed to soothing. She interviews that she gets really stressed out under pressure, which would be understandable if she had been at this task for more than fifteen seconds. I've got it freeze-framed on her right now, and the look of terror on her face would not be out of place in the opening scene to one of those inexplicably popular torture movies. She yelps and shrieks every time her camel makes the slightest movement.

Azaria is squeezing. Hendekea unhelpfully yells at him to hurry up. Azaria calls back for her to back off, and she does. Nathan is making good progress, until his camel moves and knocks Nathan a little off-balance, spilling some of his milk. "Aw, fudge!" Nathan yells. No, really. Jennifer calls over that he needs to be gentle, as he's handling nipples.

LabRat: "It's too bad Kate and Pat are gone. They would have nailed this challenge."

Julia's camel is protesting loudly. She freaks out a bit, begging it to calm down. TK is still being extremely calm, nodding confidently to the camel handler. His bowl is almost to the fill-line. Donald and Christina are also doing well. Vyxsin sings to her camel. Hehe. IB#2 wonders how she'll ever choke the milk down. And then, the funniest sequence of the episode, nay, of the season to date. Lorena makes progress on her milking. Jason calls over to her that she can do it. The camel shakes its head no, and elbows Lorena's bowl, spilling milk all over. She squeals "Jaaaaaason!" and the camel grouses. Hahahaha! TK's bowl is full, and he gulps the milk down. He does not enjoy it, describing it as "grainy, sweet, and warm". Ew. Still, if I were on the race, I think I'd take this Roadblock. TK runs back to Rachel, thanks the clue-wrangler, and opens the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to lead four camels down a marked path to the next clue. Donald finishes with his camel and messily drinks the milk. He and Nicolas take off. Jennifer asks if Nathan's almost finished, and he snips that he's not even close to done. Lorena's camel elbows her again, and once again, the milk goes flying. She opens her mouth and wails like a banshee. I wonder why she's having so much trouble with an animal she's been expressly told is sensitive to loud noises. Weird! Julia gets some milk knocked out. Azaria's camel almost kicks him.

Christina's bowl is full. See what happens when you don't constantly berate and harangue your teammate? IB#2 also tries to turn in her bowl, despite the milk obviously being a full inch below the fill-line. If she's assuming the natives are idiots, it doesn't work, and the judge sends her back to the camel. Christina drinks and gets the next clue. TK and Rachel aimlessly wander off the marked path, in what is fast becoming their trademark maneuver. Nicolas and Donald are just kind of following them rather than looking for flags, so all four of them are on the wrong track. All twelve of them, if you count their camels. Ronald makes kissy faces at a camel, and Christina heartily approves, as their camels aren't giving them any trouble. She looks for flags, but he doesn't want to waste time with that, suggesting that they just follow the teams they can still see up ahead.

Vyxsin's done milking. She gets to drinking as Jennifer yells to Nathan to hurry up, because "everyone's already done". Sure, if by "everyone" she means "less than half". I have no doubt that if I were on this race, I'd get stressed out and snippy, but I am always at a loss to understand how someone thinks "You're not doing as well as other people!" is a helpful motivator. "Hurry up!" can be useful, on occasion. "You suck!" cannot. Of course, I can understand it coming from Jennifer, because she's a stank bitch. Kynt and Vyxsin get their clue and their camels. Hendekea moans about Azaria's lack of progress. But you guys are from Ethiopia! You're in the homeland! TK and Rachel figure out that they have no idea where they're going. They turn around, alerting Nicolas/Donald, Ronald/Christina, and now Kynt/Vyxsin that something's wrong. Christina gets a nice dig in at Ronald about how this is what happens when you follow others instead of focusing on the task. He apologizes, and interviews that he needs to have more faith in Christina's ability to lead.

Nathan's finished, so now Jennifer is "so proud of him". Well, of course! Thanks to the navigation difficulties of the lead teams, Nathan and Jennifer catch up by the time TK and Rachel discover the marked path, and slide into second place. Boo! Ronald is singing badly, which the camel does not appreciate. Christina politely asks him to put a lid on it. Why that four seconds of nothing made it into this episode's preview is beyond me. Back at the Roadblock, Lorena is in the middle of a full-on meltdown. "Baby, there's no more miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilk! THERE'S NO MORE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILK!!!!!!!!!!!!" Maybe you'd better keep on screaming like you just watched your child get eaten by a shark. That'll help. Azaria spills some milk. Homeland! IB#2 is giving her camel a teatjob. Seriously, watch her repeatedly jerk her camel's nipple and try not to giggle like a seventh-grader. Julia's camel is dry. Lorena continues wailing.

Commercials. Why is that lady wearing so much makeup to bed? What does building a cardboard rocket have to do with JC Penney? Why are they advertising reruns of late-night talk shows? Why are commercials so freaking weird these days?

Lorena weeps as she gives us the titular quote. Azaria, Julia, and IB#2's camels also aren't giving any more milk. Lorena keeps looking at Jason in desperation, as if he's going to save her or give her milk of his own. Azaria is more practical, and asks to switch camels. After he does, IB#2 says "Me too! I want a new camel!" in a voice you would not be able to distinguish from a petulant child in the plush animal section of a toy store. Julia's still not getting milk, but she's getting plenty of camel poop. She switches, and finally, so does Lorena. Everyone starts doing better on their new camels except for her. Speaking of petulant children, Lorena gets kneed, and whinily tattles that the camel hit her, like it just stole her kickball or something. Azaria and a baby camel each take a teat, and are getting plenty of milk. He finishes, and runs to drink and get his clue.

TK and Rachel have found the next cluebox. They drop off their camels and grab the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! The choice is between Teach It and Learn It. In Teach It, teams have to help a local child memorize ten English words (that go along with corresponding drawings of whatever the word is). When the child can recite all ten words in one sitting, the team will get its next clue. In Learn It, a local child will teach the team ten words in the local language (Moore -- pronounced more-EE, with some unbloggable accent marks). These ten words also correspond to drawings of what they represent, and once the team can recite all ten in one sitting, they'll get their next clue. Good task! Essentially, you just need to choose which is more reliable: a randomly-selected child's memory or your own. I'd go for Learn It. TK and Rachel disagree with me, and head for Teach It. Nathan and Jennifer choose Learn It. The sky has turned gray and threatening. That's not a metaphor. It really has. Kynt and Vyxsin reach the cluebox, and choose Learn It. Nicolas and Donald explain to the camera that they've gotten such little sleep recently, they'd be useless as memorizing words, so they opt for Teach It. Ronald and Christina say the same thing. The teams look around for the school.

IB#2 fills her bowl and gulps down her milk in a hurry. IB#1 interviews that she's proud of IB#2 for not complaining. I'm guessing that's because IB#2 realizes that they've got no time for that right now. They grab their camels and go. Meanwhile, Azaria and Hendekea are dropping theirs off. They open the Detour clue, and choose Learn It. They find a kid who knows where the school is, so they're able to make up some time on the other teams. Several teams converge on the children at one time, and everyone gets started on their language lessons. Ronald tries to teach the word skyscraper by referencing King Kong. That's probably not going to work. Nicolas and Donald's kid has issues with motorcycle. Kynt and Vyxsin work on learning tiiga (tree). Azaria and Hendekea handle the task exactly the right way, each taking responsibility for learning five of the ten words. Hendekea explains this systematic method in interview, saying that "it doesn't take a brainiac to memorize ten words". Smash cut to Nathan and Jennifer, having trouble memorizing ten words. Hah! The teachers make progress, though Nicolas and Donald's girl has trouble getting a "scr" sound out. She makes hilarious concentration faces as she tries to spit out the word. Kids really are the same everywhere.

Azaria and Hendekea go to take their test. They breeze through on their first try, vaulting them into the lead from sixth place. They get the clue that directs them down a marked path to this leg's pitstop, a small tribal village on the outskirts of Bingo. The last bipulgas here will race no more. A local child points the way for them. Although we could hear the rain pounding down while Azaria and Hendekea took their test, it only shows up now. So that's three out of three episodes with rain. Soggiest season ever. Debris is whipping past the windows, and camels are running in fear. As sucky as that is for the people in the school, it's even suckier for Julia and Lorena, still back at the Roadblock. The IBs are also not thrilled, though the camels they're leading don't seem to mind the impending storm. Lorena shrieks some more, so no news there. The kid sticking with Azaria and Hendekea knew what he was talking about, and they bring him onto the mat with them in first place. Phil stands there with the greeter under a pale pink umbrella. Hehe. They win a trip to Bermuda, which must seem nice as they stand in a torrential African downpour. Julia discovers a gentle rubbing technique that helps her get more milk. She fills her bowl and drinks it down. Some of it comes right back up, but she pulls herself together so they can read the clue. That just leaves Lorena, kneeling in the dirt and sobbing.

Commercials. Why waste your money on expensive surgical procedures, when you can waste your money on miracle skin creams?

As Marianna and Julia leave with their camels, Julia calls over to Lorena to try milking a camel that has a baby with it, because the best thing to do when you're in second-to-last place is to give the only people behind you useful advice. Lorena switches camels, and before you know it, her bowl is full. She gulps down the milk with nary a whimper, but cries in Jason's face before they leave with their camels. "Do you still love me?" she asks, and he good-naturedly assures her that sucking at a task doesn't destroy their relationship. Ronald and Christina's student passes her English test, and they leave for the pitstop. They have some initial trouble finding the marked path.

TK and Rachel's student passes. Nathan and Jennifer pass. Nicolas and Donald's student passes. Kynt and Vyxsin pass. All the teams search around in the mud and rain for the marked path. Ronald stops to put on a jacket. Jennifer spots the mat, so all the teams run for it. Nathan/Jennifer and TK/Rachel get there at about the same time, but the ground is muddy, and they can't stop on a dime, so they careen into the poor greeter woman, who by the way has a baby strapped to her back. Kynt/Vyxsin arrive before everyone straightens themselves out, so TK/Rachel are team two, Nathan/Jennifer are team three, and Kynt/Vyxsin are team four. As soon as they clear the mat, Ronald and Christina hop on as team five, and then Nicolas and Donald as team six. Phil can't believe that after the thousands of miles traveled in this leg, five teams have hit the mat at the same time. The teams smile happily.

The IBs have reached the Detour, and choose Teach It. IB#2 imparts the word cowboy with as much boob-jiggling as possible. Marianna and Julia walk along with their camels. La la la! No hurry! Jason and Lorena are not as lax, and try to jog as much as possible. The IBs finish teaching, and they thank the man that gives them the clue, completely ignoring the little boy that just passed the test for them. Marianna and Julia discover that Jason and Lorena are right behind them. "They're running with theirs, you wanna run?" asks Julia, like it's a big imposition. "Yeah, [dumbass]," says Marianna. She doesn't actually say "dumbass", but it's palpable. Both teams reach the Detour, and both choose Learn It. Jason says that Lorena's good at languages. The IBs check in as team seven. The weather has turned Phil's hair into a bed of porcupine spikes. Hehehe. This episode is all kinds of fun. Lorena and Jason find the school before Marianna and Julia. The two teams eye each other as they get to learning. They know they're battling over last place, and trying to memorize words in such a high-pressure situation can't be easy.

Jason and Lorena hurry through, and go to take their test. They're through a few words by the time Marianna and Julia go to take theirs. More overly loud, tense music. I get it, music. It's very exciting, but I'd really like to hear what these people are saying. Back and forth shots of both teams successfully reciting words. It's edited to look like both teams finish at about the same time, and are racing to the mat, though we never see them in a shot together. The greeter's baby sleeps peacefully on her back. Aw! Who will make it to the mat first? Who?!? Well, Jason and Lorena, unsurprisingly. They check in as team eight. Jason kindly interviews that Lorena gets so emotional because she's "passionate about life" (okay) and about "pleasing [him]" (ew). He goes on to talk about her "love of competition", which is beyond kind and into bullshit. I don't think "love of competition" translates into "throw a hysterical tantrum when you're not doing well".

And, here come Marianna and Julia. They're last to the mat, and they're eliminated. Julia weirdly holds her hair up in a bun to get the news. They hug each other. Marianna shrugs their elimination off, saying that it's sort of like they've had a black cloud hovering over them for the whole race, and that they never caught a break. Well, sort of. I won't deny that they had some wretched luck, such as always reaching an equalizing point the second they looked like they were pulling away from other teams. On the other hand, taking the long way to every destination, and cheerfully helping out the only team you can hope to beat cannot be laid at Lady Luck's feet. Marianna and Julia love each other very much, and wouldn't have done the race with anyone else. That's sweet. True, I'm pissed that they allowed a more annoying team to stay in the race, but it's sweet nonetheless.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Booty dancing in the African wild. The IBs piss off Jason and Lorena. Ooh, the battle of One Team I Don't Particularly Like versus Another Team I Don't Particularly Like! How exciting.

Overall Grade: A

I've Become the Archie Bunker of the Home

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 2

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams took off from the House of Bunnies on a race around the world. First stop? Ireland. Damn, Kynt's biceps are way bigger than I expected. His arm muscles were not the only thing to impress others, as he and Vyxsin astonished the other teams by zipping through the entire leg. Nathan/Jennifer and Lorena/Jason lived up to their tiresome, fighting couple images by being... Tiresome, fighting couples. Ronald and Christina had a blast, while Nathan spent the back half of the episode "cursing" like Napoleon Dynamite. Azaria and Hendekea darted into the lead, while Nathan and Jennifer's donkey became the hero of the hour by busting them down eight places. Ari and Staella insulted Karma, and Karma responded by flicking them off its sweater like the insignificant lint balls they are. Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. It tickles me that for all the work they put into cultivating their Evil Team image, Ari and Staella's lasting legacy is a lonely little jig.

County Galway, Ireland. The overhead shots make it look too gorgeous to be real. As always, I'm going to skip the suspense-killer that is Phil's Opening Blather, so let's go straight to Azaria and Hendekea, leaving the mat at 12:00 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue directs them to fly to Amsterdam, the Netherlands. Once there, they'll hop a train to the central station, then search the nearby bridges for the one with the next cluebox in the middle. Naturally, the name of the bridge isn't subtitled, because we can all naturally figure out Melkmeisjesbrug for ourselves, right? It's like the subtitle guys have just thrown up their hands in defeat this season. Come on, folks. You've managed to get Tohotohobato Ambondrona Analakely, and your titles certainly couldn't be any worse than the random assortment of letters that pop up on Top Chef.

Azaria and Hendekea snip a little over directions, but appear to be well-situated. Kynt and Vyxsin leave the mat at 12:08 AM, and we're let in on the fact that teams will get $59 for this leg of the race. They're looking forward to Amsterdam, and Kynt says that teams are often "in the dark" as far as what's coming up. Vyxsin tries to sound appropriately Gloomy Goth as she says that normally, the dark is one of her favorite places to dwell. Smash cut to her in the backseat, grinning like her grandma just told her she can have extra rainbow sprinkles on her sundae. Hehehe. TK and Rachel leave the mat at 12:15 AM, and are naturally thrilled to go to Amsterdam. Understandable. I mean, look at them. TK interviews that his relationship with Rachel is way more important than any race, so they're determined to enjoy themselves. Well, good.

Lorena and Jason smooch before leaving the mat at 1:15 AM. Lorena says that they're calm and composed now, which causes Jason to grin like a maniac, because he knows that the second they suffer a tiny setback, she'll have a meltdown. She smiles at this, which I hope is a knowing "Yeah, I can be a freak sometimes" smile and not "Oh, what a funny joke, sweetie!" smile. Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 1:35 AM. Nicolas says he'll never yell at Donald to run faster, but that his grandfather tends to be slow sometimes, which drives Nicolas insane. Well, good thing they didn't sign up to be on some sort of race, then. Donald's already puttering along the road at ten miles under the speed limit. Shana and Jennifer leave the mat at 1:57 AM. I'm still not sure I can tell them apart, but Interchangeable Blond #1 (Shana, I think) says that she hasn't had a facial or manicure, so the race is even tougher than we can imagine. Your bravery is an inspiration to millions, Interchangeable Blond #1. She can't figure out how to keep the car's lights on without keeping one hand on the controls at all times, and wonders if she's an idiot. Too easy; moving on.

Donald continues embracing every stereotypical old man behavior in the book by driving straight into a curb that Nicolas easily spotted from a distance. Sigh. Why isn't Nicolas driving? Their tire is flattened, and they get to work fixing it. Meanwhile, Ronald and Christina are leaving the mat at 2:46 AM. Christina interviews that they're learning to "work out the kinks" of their relationship. Judging from last week, they didn't really seem to have any, but I don't think I'm ruining too much to tell you that this relationship is actually kinkier than a Vegas bondage club. Christina has forgotten her fanny pack, and has to run back to get it. Ronald chides her not to do that again. Kate and Pat leave the mat at 2:47 AM. And then... Wait, this can't be right. Let me rewind. Oh, my God! It's true! I've watched it five times, and still can't believe she actually said it!

Kate: "We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win The Amazing Race."
Pat (jokingly): "No? Dang!"

Cue the streamers. Get a cake in here. Mark your calendars, so that this day may go down in history. Some reality show contestants (ministers, to boot) have finally grasped the concept that God does not take a particular interest in the outcome of games and contests! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It may seem odd that I'm making such a big deal of this, but maybe you didn't have to suffer through Russell and Cyndi, who believed that God put an angel trinket in some house where they got directions, or those fucking Weavers, who thanked Jesus for the divine instruction that allowed them to consult a map, or Bilal and Sa'eed, who assumed the Creator was responsible for a traffic jam, or Lyn and Karlyn, who demonstrated their infallible senses of Christian morality by flicking people off, yelling at blameless ticket agents, and admonishing others to examine their consciences for having the nerve to outrace them. And that's just this show. Don't even get me started on the vacuous twits who think God wants them to vanquish other wannabe models by, say, rubbing dirty underwear on someone else's bed.

Anyhow, off they go. Shana and Jennifer drive by Nicolas and Donald, saying that they'd stop if somebody looked injured, but they're not going to stop and help them with their car trouble. Sounds fair to me. Nicolas and Donald finish fixing their tire. Marianna and Julia leave the mat at 2:59 AM, and last to leave are Nathan and Jennifer, at 3:00 AM. They blah some twaddle about being competitive and getting a "wake-up call", and it's nothing you haven't heard a thousand times from teams just like them. Jennifer's already given up on vanity, not bothering to put in her contacts just yet. I don't blame her, though I'm not sure those Velma frames are the way to go. They get on a road Jennifer thinks is more direct than the one Marianna and Julia took.

Azaria/Hendekea and Kynt/Vyxsin arrive at the Shannon airport. Hendekea interviews that Kynt has some serious adrenaline, so it looks like the Goths can't count on being underestimated anymore. The four of them decide that connecting through Dublin is probably the way to go, so they set up camp at Aer Lingus, which won't open until 6:00 AM. TK/Rachel and Lorena/Jason arrive. Meanwhile, Kate/Pat and Ronald/Christina have stopped by a small inn to use their internet connection. It looks like they can't book tickets, but they can at least learn flight information. Shana and Jennifer get to the airport. Ronald begins needling Christina about wasting time, like, if you're in such an all-fired hurry, why didn't you go to the airport directly? Nathan and Jennifer pass by the inn. Nicolas and Donald reach the airport. Ronald continues to pick and pick at Christina. That's not just my interpretation, as once the teams finally start for the airport, Kate and Pat disdain the way he just harped on her, and hope Christina isn't having a miserable time.

By the time 6:00 AM rolls around, Nathan and Jennifer are almost to the airport. The Aer Lingus counter opens, and Hendekea asks about tickets to Amsterdam. Kynt and Vyxsin are getting the same tickets from another agent, saying that the flight should arrive in Amsterdam by 12:15 PM. Not bad. Nathan and Jennifer dash into the airport, now in sixth place. Azaria is finding out that while it may be a cinch to fly from Shannon to Dublin, there's only room for six teams on the Dublin to Amsterdam flight. Dun dun dun! Everyone starts booking seats. The ticket agent has an ill-advised ABBA haircut. Ronald and Christina reach the airport line, but Kate and Pat are still wandering around outside. Kate says that Pat has survived cancer, so she's very "solid in her own being". Apparently, being solid in one's own being means that they never hurry anywhere. Kate hears this somehow, and says that while they may not be the fastest team, they'll get ahead by being smart. I mean... Yes, it's important to play intelligently, but that doesn't preclude trying to get places quickly.

Seats are filling up on the Dublin-Amsterdam flight, and we're let in on the fact that ABBA Haircut Agent has super-human typing speed. She's already more impressive than Maja and Alejandro. Her coworker is not as speedy, with the result that Nathan and Jennifer, who were behind Nicolas and Donald in line, still ace them out of the last pair of tickets. Ouch. Nicolas says that unless they manage to get standby seats on the first flight, they'll be stuck on a later flight to Amsterdam. The lead teams begin to board the 7:00 AM flight to Dublin. The lead teams being everyone except Marianna and Julia, whose route to the Shannon airport must have included a quick stop in Addis Ababa. They're upset to be the only team not to make the Dublin flight. Eh, from what we've heard, four teams aren't going to be able to make the first flight to Amsterdam, so they should be able to catch up.

The Dublin flight lands, and the teams who weren't able to get tickets scramble for the standby counter. Well, Nicolas/Donald and Ronald/Christina run. Kate and Pat still have all the time in the world. La la la! No hurry! Why not sit and read the paper? Nicolas and Donald run up to the standby counter and talk to the agent in one of those race panic modes, apparently not noticing that there's actually a regular passenger already there. The agent duhs that Nicolas will have to wait. Ronald and Christina are fast approaching, and have the presence of mind to talk to an open agent, so now it's just a matter of who can get on the list first (assuming there's limited room for standby passengers). Ronald interviews that he tries to be very polite to ticket agents and such. If only he held that attitude about, oh say...daughters. Spoiler!

Nicolas and Donald are being helped now, and the agent says it's going to be difficult to get on the flight. "We need to try," Nicolas says. Tense music. Nicolas and Donald get on the list, and Nicolas tries to ascertain if they're ahead or behind Ronald and Christina. He's still in that stressball mode, and says "Please move fast" to the agent, who smiles, all "Whatever, prick." Donald interviews that the ticket agent was none too pleased with how pushy Nicolas got, and they're asked to stand off to the side for a moment. Ronald and Christina overhear the agent say something about Nicolas being rude (though we, the audience never hear it). Ronald interviews that Nicolas "made us" look bad, so he just "lost it". I don't know if "us" means "racers" or "Americans". He comes over and picks a fight with Nicolas, starting with "you got a mouth that basically starts with bad energy". Christina tries to diffuse the situation by telling Nicolas what she heard the agent say, and Nicolas admits that he was "hasty". Christina gets a bit condescending when she says that service agents are more likely to help you if you're nice to them, which is true, but... Well, we'll get to the meat of the argument in a second.

"That's basically your whole problem," Ronald whines, as he accuses Nicolas of being the "bad cop" to Donald's "good cop". I don't know why Nicolas even feels he has to defend himself to these people, but he prepares to try, asking if he may speak. No, he may not. Heavens, you don't think that Ronald is interested in what actually happened, do you? No he "has his own version" and while he "may have some problems with interpretation, [boy, I'll say], the words that come through my ear is very clear, because I cleaned out all the wax yesterday [??]". Christina is again trying to get Ronald to back off, but he ignores her. Nicolas interviews that he tried to explain himself, but soon saw that there was nothing he could do but stand back and let Ronald make an ass of himself. I guess the best way to tackle this is a good, old-fashioned list.

1) Yes, being nice to servicepeople is very important. It certainly is in day-to-day life, but I feel like you have to make allowances for "race mode". That doesn't mean I think it's acceptable for teams to screech at their taxi drivers for not careening down rain-slicked roads or haranguing ticket agents for not allowing people to skip security checkpoints. I do, however, think it's more than acceptable to make sure the agent knows in no uncertain terms how much of a hurry you're in.

2) Of course, you can let people know you're in a hurry without being rude, but let's go back to the statement which caused all this uproar, which was simply "Please move fast". Not "Let's go, lady!" Not "Hurry up, ya Irish cow!" In fact, this may have been the most polite nagging I've ever seen on this race. Yes, Nicolas was being a bit pushy, but as far as outright rudeness, this doesn't even scratch the surface of what some teams have done in the past.

3) Ronald might have realized that if he'd actually heard the statement in question. Which he didn't. Or if he'd allowed Nicolas to say a single word in his own defense. Which he didn't. Nope, he just "has his own version", based entirely on hearsay, and I guess that's enough ammunition in Ronald's world to sling accusations and pick fights with almost total strangers.

4) Speaking of which, Nicolas and Donald's "whole problem"? Didn't you meet them, like, two days ago?

5) Plus, mind your own business.

Commercials. Little plastic knobs that touch up your roots are one of the "25 Products That Changed Our Lives". To hell with the printing press!

The teams that already have confirmed tickets board the flight to Amsterdam. One of the standby agents learns that only one additional team will be able to board, and that team will be... Nicolas and Donald. Suck it, Ronald. The flight takes off. Marianna and Julia arrive in Dublin, where they catch up with Kate/Pat and Ronald/Christina. Kate does a hilarious impression of their false cheer to see a struggling team make up time. The three teams board a later flight to Amsterdam, knowing that it will likely be one of them who is last to the mat, although there are at least two tasks ahead, and it's not inconceivable that disaster will befall one of the lead teams.

Amsterdam. The first flight lands at 12:15 PM. Azaria and Hendekea run like hell for the train. They know it's scheduled to leave in just a minute or two, so Hendekea suggests just getting on, and paying for their tickets while on-board. Genius. It pays off, as the train leaves while the rest of the teams are all busy buying tickets, putting them ten minutes behind. Go, science geeks! They reach the station, find the bridge, and grab the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! As we all know, Detours are a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. The choice in this Detour is between Hoist It or Hunt It. In Hoist It, teams walk just a few feet to an apartment building. One member ties ropes attached to a pulley to five large pieces of furniture (one by one), and hoists them up to a window, where the other team member will pull each piece in. In Hunt It, teams must walk several blocks to a parking lot, which is currently occupied by thousands of bicycles. The team must find the two with the colored sticker that matches their clue, then use those two bikes to ride five miles to a man that will hand them their next clue. Huh, interesting choice. I suck at knots, but if my race partner had any skill with them, I'd want to go for Hoist It. That other one just sounds so long and involved.

Azaria and Hendekea are similarly dismayed by knots (go, science geeks!), so they head for Hunt It. Lorena/Jason and Kynt/Vyxsin reach the cluebox, and both opt for Hoist It. Vyxsin volunteers to be the team member on the ground, because... Oh, let's just let her tell us. "I felt pretty comfortable doing the knots. Um... I used to macrame." Hahahaha! I have to say, I'm liking the Goths more and more, although I've seen no indication that they're really that Gothic. Or really that into each other. They're not so much dating Goths as "dating" "Goths". Jason is the knot artist for his team, and the nearby workers who have to inspect the rope system to make sure it's safe to hoist make him start over on his first piece. Vyxsin has no such trouble, and up goes the baby carriage. Azaria and Hendekea reach the parking structure, and are like "Wow, we thought they were exaggerating when they said 'thousands' of bikes." They were not exaggerating. They're stymied for a moment, but soon begin to hunt for the two bikes that have the tri-color purple-green-purple pattern. Jason hoists his first item (a television set). Vyxsin's next item isn't safe enough to hoist, and she has to restart it.

Shana and Jennifer reach the clue, and opt for Hoist It. Interchangeable Blond #1 says that her arm muscles are one of the stronger parts of her body. I guess her bionic tits top the list. Vyxsin keeps working. TK/Rachel and Nathan/Jennifer reach the clue, and both choose Hoist It. I guess there are enough pulleys set up to accommodate everyone at the same time. Nicolas and Donald reach the clue, and head for Hunt It. Nathan hoists his first item. TK has no idea what he's doing with the ropes, and Rachel calls down advice. Jason hoists his fourth item, then his fifth. Lorena interviews how proud she was of them for working so well together on the Detour. Sure, if by "together", she means "he did a good job, and I didn't get in the way". One of the nearby workers hands them their next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by bus from... Buikslotermeerplein. Jesus Christ, Amsterdam. Anyhoo, teams must now travel by bus from Blahblahblahblah to the rural village of Ransdorp. Once there, they'll search a marked field for the next clue. Vyxsin ties. Azaria finds the first bike. Nicolas and Donald arrive at the bikes. Their clue is tri-color green-yellow-green, and doesn't match the first bike they hold it up to. That bike is purple-green-purple. Sound familiar? Yep, Nicolas and Donald have inadvertently found the very bike Azaria and Hendekea are still searching for. Hehehe.

Interchangeable Blond #1 hoists her first item. Vyxsin's finally done with her second, though it takes considerable strength to get it up to the window. Lorena and Jason miss the bus to Ransdorp by seconds. Doh! Nathan and Jennifer are done with their fourth item, as are Kynt and Vyxsin. Vyxsin's out of strength by this point, so she and Kynt trade places. Jennifer yells unhelpful advice down to Nathan, who shouts that he has no idea what she's saying. She snits that as a guy, he should know how to do these physical things. Sure, all guys are born knowing how to tie knots. The only reason I wasn't is because I'm gay, and thus, defective. Shut the fuck up, Jennifer. TK still hasn't managed to tie a single successful knot. I guess he's not a real man, either. He begins to realize that this is not something he's going to figure out in a hurry, and the fact that it's begun to rain probably doesn't help. Kynt hoists the final item, a really big grandfather clock that must weigh quite a bit. The other teams watch jealously as they rush off to catch their bus.

Nicolas and Donald find their first bike. Hendekea finds their second, so she and Azaria pedal their asses out of there. Nathan still cannot figure out the knots, so he and Jennifer decide to switch places. Now, I won't pretend to be the Interchangeable Blonds' (IB from now on) biggest fan, but even I have to say that I'm mightily impressed with how fast they crank through this task. IB#1 hoists that enormous grandfather clock, which means they've finished the task before TK and Rachel (who arrived at Hoist It before them) have gotten a single item up. Wowsers. They head for the bus in third place. Kynt and Vyxsin have gone back to the train station information counter, and learn that they need the #30 bus. Nathan and Jennifer finish Hoist It. The IBs catch up to Lorena and Jason at the bus stop, and they're soon joined by Nathan and Jennifer. Nathan frets over where Kynt and Vyxsin are. IB#2 is too busy applying lip gloss to care. The bus arrives, but by the time Kynt and Vyxsin have figured out where to go, it has taken off. Crud.

Nicolas and Donald find their second bike, and crab at each other as they get going. Azaria and Hendekea finish their ride, which happens to end right where they need to be to catch the bus to Ransdorp. Well, that would have been helpful to know when deciding between Detours. TK is still struggling with the knots, as Rachel calls down more advice. She seems to know what she's talking about, so why they haven't switched places is beyond me. Maybe they think she's too bitty to hoist things like that giant clock. Hey, remember the later flight? It's just now arriving at 1:55 PM. The three lagging teams catch the train. TK and Rachel keep on struggling.

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TK and Rachel finally decide to switch places. The train carrying Kate/Pat, Ronald/Christina, and Marianna/Julia is almost to the station. Rachel gets the knack of the knots fairly quickly, although I can't tell if the eyebrow-raise the nearby clue-wrangler gives her is "Wow, good job" or "Please don't break that television set". By the time the second train arrives at the station, Rachel's pretty much finished hoisting. Good job, granola queen! They get their Ransdorp clue. Speaking of which, the first bus is just arriving there. The lead teams grab the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must participate in a task once used by Dutch farmers to travel between fields, but is now a local sport. Ditch vaulting. It's basically a miniature pole vault, in which you take a running start, plant your pole in the muddy ditch, and catapult yourself across. Phil says that both of the Roadblocker's feet must land in the grass on the other side. In other words, if you fall, you've got to try again. Once they've landed, they may run to the nearby cluebox, get the next clue, and come back over the muddy ditch any way they'd like. Ooh, I'd take this one. It looks fun. The Roadblock hint reads "Which of you is the acrobat?". Jennifer takes it. IB#1. Jason.

Jason flies across and lands successfully on his first try. He runs, gets the clue, runs back, and vaults himself across again, dragging his feet in the muddy water a bit. The IBs witness this, and conclude that the task is easy. Jason and Lorena open the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now choose a nearby Dutch cargo bike (a bicycle with a wheelbarrow-like attachment on the front) and ride it to the next pitstop, the Durgerdam Yacht Club. Last team to check in is outta here! Because Jason did all the furniture hoisting and the Roadblock, it's only fair that he has to do all the cycling too, right? Lorena happily perches in the wheelbarrow. Back at the Roadblock, Jennifer makes her first attempt. While in the air, her body spins around, and she lands smack on her back right into the mud. Ouch! The clue-wrangler adds insult to injury by declaring her attempt "no good". Heh. She has to have someone come pull her out of the mud so she can try again. IB#1 dithers.

Nicolas and Donald finish their bike ride, meeting up with Kynt/Vyxsin, Azaria/Hendekea, and TK/Rachel on the bus to Ransdorp. The lagging teams have reached the Detour. As clue-wranglers explain Hoist It to Ronald and Christina, Kate and Pat ditch for Hunt It. Ronald says he's confused by the knots, but Christina says she can handle it. "Well, it's up to you," Ronald says. "Make a decision." Back at the Roadblock, IB#1 starts to run and vault. IB#2 shouts "Not fast enough!" which is equal parts annoying, unhelpful, and incorrect. IB#1 makes it across, only getting a bit of mud on her feet. And now, the best clue-wrangler in the history of the show, a very...um...butch woman, barks at IB#1: "GOOD JOB! GET TO CLUE!" Hehehe. Nathan thinks it would be helpful to point out to Jennifer that IB#1 managed to make it. Jennifer snaps at him not to do that. Nathan misses a golden opportunity to say "You're a woman! You're supposed to be good at this acrobatic stuff!"

Either Christina was wrong about understanding the knots, or Ronald just doesn't believe she can handle it, as he carps that they're wasting time. Rather than pick a fight, Christina agrees to head for Hunt It, but Ronald doesn't know which way to go, and peppers her with questions about where the bikes are. Marianna and Julia have arrived at Hunt It, and find their first bike. As Ronald and Christina walk to Hunt It, Ronald complains about how they're going to have to search oceans of bikes for the right ones. So according to him, both tasks suck. They should just do the third task. You know, the invisible one. Christina, beginning to lose patience, says that she's confident they can find the right bicycles, and Ronald needs to have confidence, too. IB#1, having gotten her pitstop clue, attempts to vault back across the ditch, but the pole leans sideways, spilling her headlong into the mud. Snap! A clue-wrangler hauls her out. To her credit, she doesn't cry or moan, but smiles widely through her new mud mask, looking for all the world like she's put on blackface. IB#2 tells her what a good sport she is, and volunteers to ride the bike to the pitstop. I may come around on these two. Jennifer narrowly makes a vault to the other side of the ditch, and is allowed to run and get the clue. She splats into the mud again on her way back. They leave for the pitstop in third place.

Lorena and Jason ride down the street, and see the turnoff they need to take to get to the yacht club. The IBs and Nathan/Jennifer are also riding. Jennifer, being the very essence of a gracious lady, hocks a loogie onto the road while snapping that the "frickin' little bitch" (referring to IB#1) got through the task ahead of her. So dainty, that Jennifer. She must have gone to finishing school. Lorena and Jason approach the pitstop. They drop off their bike, and run up to the mat. The greeters are two adorable little Dutch children. Welcome, Jason, you are team number one. And I guess you're allowed to check Lorena in with you. They interview that this successful leg is a "stepping-stone" in their relationship. What'ere. They win a pair of all-terrain bikes. Zzzz. I'd rather get a trip somewhere. What are they going to do with all-terrain bikes in Los Angeles?

Marianna and Julia find their second bike. I have no idea how they managed to finish before the other lagging teams even show up. They take off, and Kate and Pat arrive to start looking for their bikes. Ronald and Christina soon join them there. Nathan and Jennifer spazzily drop off their cargo bike, and check in as team number two. Feh. The IBs are right behind them, and check in as team three. Semi-feh. I'm predisposed to dislike them, but they're starting to grow on me a little. Ronald and Christina find their first bike. Kate and Pat stroll along the rows of bikes slowly. La la la! Why not take a break and go grab a cup of coffee? Marianna and Julia drop off their bikes and get their Ransdorp clue. Ronald yells at Christina that he told her it was going to be an ocean of bikes. She, a lot calmer under the circumstances than I would be, responds that the only way they're going to do well at this task is if they stay positive.

Kate finds the first of their bikes. Ronald is still harping on Christina, yelling about who's looking on the left row of bikes, and who's looking on the right, which is fair thing to discuss, but... Well, remember Lorena's whine about directions last week? Yeah. You could have the best argument in the world, but if the only way you can find to express it is through tantrums or aggression, you're not communicating well. Pat sheepishly laughs at Ronald's frustration. Marianna and Julia wait for the bus, not knowing if they're ahead or behind the other lagging teams. Ronald actually finds a way to yell at Christina, even as he finds their second bike. How he managed a statement that is basically "We've finished the task! You suck!" is a mystery. Kate and Pat continue to methodically check for their second bike. Ronald and Christina get directions. Now he manages to find a way to yell at her for...knowing where they're going. He says he's not going to lie to her and give her the impression that things are great when they're not. He uses the phrase "boogers in your bowl", which...ew.

I was confused about why he's so steamed, but now I think it's because he didn't like the Detour choice (not that he liked the other one, either), and doesn't want to be sunny about a job well done, because he thinks they didn't get the bikes quickly enough. Of course, the fact that they've FOUND THE FUCKING BIKES should render all this moot, but I guess that would take all the fun out of bitching at your daughter, right? Christina is out of polite ways to tell him to shut the fuck up, and tells him she's not getting on her bike until he stops shouting. Well said. Not that it stops him, but I like her backbone.

The second bus arrives at Ransdorp. Rrrrrrrip! Hendekea takes the Roadblock, as do Rachel and Kynt, though he's not thrilled about it, admitting in interview that he's kind of prissy. Heh. Nicolas and Donald decide to watch the other teams make an attempt before choosing who's going to take the task. Hendekea tries to vault, and splats right into the mud. Nicolas' sympathetic "OW!" face is priceless. Azaria is not as sympathetic, snapping at Hendekea to get up and try again. Rachel goes flying, and makes it across on her first try. Kynt splats. Donald thinks he'll have no problem, and he takes the Roadblock. Nicolas doesn't disagree, though he mutters that this may be a costly decision. Kate and Pat find their second bike, as Ronald and Christina drop theirs off. They catch up at the bus stop with Marianna and Julia, who pray that Kate and Pat won't also catch up.

LabRat: "Yes, pray to God that the ministers won't catch up."

Now that they're not cycling, Ronald decides there couldn't be a better time to restart the argument about how much Christina sucks at everything, and how her indecisiveness has cost them time. He'd be an asshole even if he were right, but he's not. They're not behind because Christina couldn't make up her mind or performed poorly at the Detour. She said she could handle the knots, and he didn't believe her. She said they'd find the bikes by staying calm and positive, which is exactly what happened. They're behind because they didn't outrun Donald and Nicolas to the standby counter, and because Ronald dithered over which Detour they should do, passive-aggressively forcing Christina to make the actual choice so that he wouldn't have to take any responsibility for anything going wrong. Handy. The worst moment is when he says she's "disappointed" him, which is completely unacceptable. Fuckwad.

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The last bit of Ronald's tirade is replayed. Marianna and Julia watch uncomfortably. Christina tells Ronald that he's being way too hard on her, and that he's got to back off. He gives her a half-hearted hug, and says it's not too easy to change who he is. Ah, the "Accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" argument. Always a classic. Christina is more diplomatic than that, saying that in the race, you have to make improvements overnight. Seriously. And she's not even asking him to change as a person. She's asking him to keep a lid on the constant stream of unhelpful criticisms. Kate and Pat drop off their bikes, and calmly watch from across the street as Marianna/Julia and Ronald/Christina board the bus to Ransdorp. They could not be in less of a hurry as they begin to walk towards it, and it takes off without them.

Rachel has made it back across the ditch, but before she and TK can take off for the pitstop, Kynt makes a wild flail that actually succeeds in propelling him across the ditch. He runs for the clue, and TK/Rachel make a hasty exit. Donald makes his first attempt. Splat! The Goths leave for the pitstop. Kate and Pat are now so far behind that bus service to Ransdorp has stopped, and they have to bring in a hired minibus to take them there. They shrug that they agreed ahead of time not to point fingers at each other, and would make decisions together, such as the decision to treat the race like a leisurely sightseeing tour. They may have left that last part off. Hendekea makes it across the ditch. TK and Rachel pedal along, TK cheerfully telling Rachel that she smells like poop. She cheerfully agrees. Heh. The Goths are catching up. Azaria and Hendekea leave for the pitstop. Vyxsin has been pedaling too hard, I guess, and she makes Kynt switch places with her. Meanwhile, Donald has decided that the trick to making it across the ditch is to shed all that muddy clothing. Cue the burlesque music, because our Sunday night entertainment now includes Grandpa in his undies.

TK and Rachel cycle right by the drop-off point, though Phil and the Dutch children are clearly visible from the road. Kynt and Vyxsin spot it, though, and the Goths run up to the mat to check in as team number four. They go to give each other a high five, but completely miss, and Kynt hits Vyxsin in the face. Hahahaha! TK and Rachel must have turned around and missed the pitstop again, because they meet Azaria and Hendekea coming the other way. Azaria tells them to just follow along, which is not a bad idea at this point, unless someone wants to construct a giant neon arrow pointing to Phil. Stripper Donald splats in the mud again. And again. Azaria/Hendekea and TK/Rachel approach the mat together, becoming teams five and six, respectively. They're like "Eh, okay."

The third bus arrives at Ransdorp, so Nicolas is getting a bit anxious. Marianna/Julia and Ronald/Christina dash for the clue. I still can't tell Marianna and Julia apart. Christina takes the Roadblock. Nicolas tells Donald to keep his legs up as he vaults, which actually helps get Donald across successfully. He gets the clue, and the two of them head for the pitstop. Whichever sister takes the Roadblock (Marianna, I think, but don't quote me on that) says that she's had plenty of experience with pole vaulting. It shows, as she easily makes it across the ditch on her first attempt. Christina almost makes it, but doesn't quite. Splat! Marianna and Julia leave for the pitstop without a speck of mud on them. Kate and Pat ride their Minibus of Doom. Nicolas and Donald ride right past the drop-off point, so Marianna and Julia make it to the mat as team number seven. Nicolas and Donald right themselves, and soon check in as team number eight. Donald kids Phil about doing the Roadblock naked.

Ronald, haven't sufficiently been enough of a jackass this week, begins to lecture Christina about vaulting the ditch, completely destroying her focus and interrupting her attempt. He just keeps talking and talking and talking and talking and talking, until Christina tells him that she needs to concentrate. This is Ronald, though, and the polite version of "Please shut the fuck up" doesn't penetrate his skull, so she has to repeat herself. And guess what happens when he buttons his fat yap for two seconds? She makes it. Ronald treats this success, as he's treated every one this week, as something he could have done better. Shut up, fuck-knuckle. As they leave for the pistop, Christina asks how the cargo bike feels for him, and he "kids" that she needs to lose some weight, then trips over the wheel and knocks over the whole contraption, spilling his daughter onto the pavement. I just... I don't have any more energy to devote to this horrible man. They reach the pitstop as team number nine, and they should thank their lucky stars Kate and Pat never roused themselves to more than a gentle jog. Ronald hugs Christina happily, because everything's great now. Christina is extremely magnanimous, as she says that they don't "know each other's work styles" yet, but that they're working through it. Ronald gives us the titular quote, which makes about as much sense as anything else he's said tonight. Christina says one should treat their family like "gold", and Ronald looks like he may actually get it. I won't hold my breath.

Kate and Pat are still at the Roadblock. Kate vaults across, not really making it, but the awesome clue-wrangler lets her off. "GOOD JOB! GET TO CLUE!" Pat interviews that the race has shown them that they can still have a lot of fun together. Kate comes back across the ditch, and I appreciate that they didn't edit out the shot of them sharing a nice, long smooch. We don't even watch them cycle their cargo bike, and cut straight to them jumping onto the mat. The Dutch children happily greet them, and Phil tells them that they are eliminated. They say that they wish they could have lasted longer, and had the chance to show people more of who they are and what they can do. They reaffirm that they belong together, and that they balance each other really well. Aw. They seem like delightful people, but I wish that they'd have put a bit more effort into the actual race.

Next week on The Amazing Race: More uncooperative animals! Yay! Christina loses more patience with Ronald. The meltdown Lorena was obviously destined to have since Minute One finally comes to fruition.

Overall Grade: B-