Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 6
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs went camping, to the dismay of many of them. Ron hacked a coconut. Bryan picked up steam, winning yet another Elimination Challenge. Ptom spit Mattin's food out, and the competition spit Mattin out. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. When in doubt, blueberry muffins are always a crowd-pleaser. Don't tell anyone at the viewing party how easy they are, or they won't be impressed with me anymore. Speaking of the viewing party, I have to admit that Tiffany is responsible for the entry title this week. I wish I could take credit, because it made me LOL, as the kids say.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Apparently, Mattin has left behind a crate of his trademark red neckerchiefs, and the rest of the chefs decide to wear them as a tribute to their eliminated friend. He was a popular guy, and nobody was happy to see him go, especially when Robin was ripe for elimination. The general consensus (voiced by Mike and Jenc here) is that she's not nearly a good a chef as Mattin is, and they can't understand why she's still hanging around, while more accomplished chefs have been chopped. Well, why don't I just go ahead and quote myself? "Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?" Robin is well aware of her outsider status, but shrugs that her style is intentionally simple, so that's what she's going to stick to.
Quickfire Challenge. Padma laughs at the infusion of red neckerchiefs before introducing this round's guest judge, Michelle Bernstein. Kevin interviews that Michelle has eaten at his place before, and that she enjoys clean, simple flavors. Padma says that for this Quickfire, the chefs will be making a duo of food. One of the dishes will represent that angel that sits on one shoulder, while the other will represent the devil. Not a bad challenge idea! The chefs have one hour, and immunity for the winner is back in play. I wonder why they didn't offer it last week. It seems almost random. Ready? Go!
Chefs scatter. Ash admits he's taking a big risk in attempting a duo of custards. Eli works on a heavy and light scallop duo. There's a horrible Frankenbyte in which they try to make him sound like he's bragging. Seriously, that quote came from about three different speeches, and was the most amateur sound editing I've heard in a while. Maybe that's why you guys don't win Emmys, Toby. Robin interviews that when she was diagnosed with cancer, she had to give up a lot of sugar, so her angel/demon inspiration is wanting sweetness, while at the same time realizing that she shouldn't indulge. Bryan thinks he's been overcomplicating Quickfires, so he's attempting to simplify. One of Ash's custards doesn't set. Time runs out, and Michelle and Padma begin to go down the line.
Michael has made a duo of smoked salmon, one of which is more modern, and one more traditional. Tasty, but has nothing to do with angels and devils. Next! For Kevin's angel, he's made a light halibut with veggies, and for the devil, a deviled egg puree with a big, fat piece of bacon. Nice! Ron has made Chilean sea bass with corn hash, and Chilean sea bass with yucca. I defy you to tell me which one is supposed to be angelic, and which one devilish. Ashley has made a light scallop crudo and a viciously salty scallop puttanesca. Eli has also made a scallop duo. One is scallops with a brown butter risotto, and the other has a radish top pesto.
Bryan is the only one to embrace a color theme over the obvious healthy vs. fattening duel, and has made a white dessert (frozen coconut, lychee, and vanilla), and a black one (dark chocolate mousse). Jenc has another scallop duo, one a crudo with olive oil, one with butter. Boring! Next! Ash only finished his devil component, a spicy asparagus custard with pink peppercorn shortbread. Well, I like where his idea was going, anyway. Robin explains that her cancer made her obsess over raw food and healthy eating, so her angelic contribution is an arugula, apple, and fennel salad. Her devilish, sweet-tooth side is a cardamom apple ginger crisp. Laurine has made a chicken and vegetable consomme and a chicken saltimbocca. Boring! Next! Mike has gone to the Greek well again, and has made cucumber yogurt soup, and lamb kabobs. Those both sound great. Michelle finds the lamb dish a bit too salty, but still. I wish he'd stop impressing me with his dishes, because it'd be a lot less complicated to just straight out dislike him.
Results. First in the bottom three is obviously Ash, because you kind of have to finish your food once in a while. Plus, his food was too hot (I'm not sure if she means temperature or spice) and runny. Bryan had a good concept, but poor execution. Laurine had no creative ideas. What, and the three scallop duos, all of which were a play on "This one's healthy, and this one's not!" blew you away? Up in the top three, Michael had perfect execution. Eli's brown butter sauce was great, as was the radish pesto. Robin's salad was a pleasure, and had terrific contrast with the apple crisp. It's time to announce the winner, and for that Michelle wants to pick the person that not only had good food, but most embraced the angel vs. devil theme, and that person is... Robin. She's thrilled. In interview, Eli whines that of course Robin won the Quickfire, because after announcing that she's had cancer, how could she not have?
Oof. That's going to require a sidebar. Let's start with me admitting the obvious things. I don't have to live with these people, and thus don't have to put up with their annoying quirks. I haven't tasted any of their food. From what we've seen so far this season, I have zero problems believing that Robin isn't nearly as sophisticated a chef as some of the others. She appears to make things that I could whip together without much difficulty. And you know what, there is such a thing as using the Cancer card to cultivate sympathy. With all of that said, Eli is offensively wrong here, and it really says something unattractive about his character that he would not only leap to that insulting conclusion, but would think it's a good idea to share with the rest of us (I guess assuming that we'd all agree with him).
Like it or not, this show is set up in such a way as to reward the person that does the best at an off-kilter challenge, and to eliminate the person that does the worst. It doesn't matter if one of you makes scrambled eggs, while the other makes duck a l'orange with citrus foam. If the eggs are good and the duck is bad, the duck chef gets cut. Maybe that isn't the way to find the most talented chef -- in fact, I'm fairly sure it isn't -- but it is the way this particular competition is structured, and after five seasons, you'd think the contestants would realize it. Also, Robin's life experience with cancer legitimately inspired her angel vs. demon dish. It was certainly a hell of a lot more authentic an idea than "Um, this scallop has greens on it, and this one has butter". Her disease has affected the way she cooks and eats, and to me, that's no different than Ashley's poverty, Ron's story of leaving Haiti (for which you'll remember he was lauded, not derided), or Hector trying to give his food a Latin twist.
Here's what really happened here. Robin's unpopular, because she talks too much, and can be loud and annoying, and her food is too simple for her fellow chefs, who equate "complex" with "good". And frankly, there's probably a nasty dose of hating her because she's older mixed in there as well. Eli's embarrassed to be beaten by such a person, and is desperately looking for any excuse that isn't "Her food was better than mine." So he lands on sympathy-baiting, as if Michelle would award the win to food she didn't like, just because she feels sorry for the old lady with lymphoma. "If you like my food, it's because it's good. If you like Robin's food, it's because you pity her." Yeah. It's pretty much the epitome of sore-loserness, with emphasis on the loser.
Anyhow, with that ugliness behind us, we move on to the Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in some more guest judges for the week. It's Penn and Teller. I enjoy them (and the first season of Bullshit! is inching its way to the top of my queue), but I'm going to skip the bit where they do magic for the chefs. Let's get to the challenge. The chefs will draw knives out of the knife block, each of which has a classic dish written on it. The challenge will be to deconstruct that dish. Jenc gets meat lasagna. Michael gets Caesar salad. Ash - shepherd's pie. Robin - New England clam chowder. Eli - sweet and sour pork. Laurine - fish 'n chips. Kevin - chicken mole negro. Bryan - Reuben. Mike - eggs florentine. Ashley - pot roast. Ron - paella. He feels good about it, but I think that his and Jenc's are probably the most difficult of the bunch.
Padma tells the chefs that they'll be serving Michelle, Penn & Teller, and the regular judges, with Toby Young filling in for Gail. Feh. I don't mind mean judges, but the meanness has to be the means to an end, not the end itself. From what I remember of Toby, he tried waaaaaaaaaay too hard to look for insulting things to say. You'll note that when any of the chefs mention Toby, they talk about his attitude, not his experience or knowledge of cuisine. If they were looking for a difficult-to-impress British judge, I wish they'd have gone for Jay Rayner, who did an excellent job on Top Chef Masters.
Commercials. When did Robert Loggia get so... crusty?
Shopping. Bryan explains what a deconstructed dish means. Then he promptly ignores that definition and buys tuna for his reuben. Ron is still confident in his ability to pare down a paella. Jenc doesn't have much (if any) experience with deconstruction, so she just buys everything that goes into a meat lasagna, and will figure out the technique later. Back in the Kitchen, no time is lost before getting started on the two hours of prep time. Mike admits that he doesn't really know what eggs florentine is. Eh? He's spent the past five episodes talking about how advanced a chef he is, and he doesn't know that eggs florentine is just eggs benedict with spinach instead of ham? Jeez. Michael, who has a lot of deconstruction experience, seems to know exactly what to do. He's off to a good start, making his own bread, creating a spherical dressing, and starting on an egg emulsion. Kevin realizes that he's going to face tough competition from Michael and Bryan on this challenge, but wants to prove that he can make a better mole negro than he did last week. The judges didn't have any issues with his sauce in that challenge, but I guess he thinks if he's not in the winners' circle, there's always room for improvement.
Jenc struggles. Her classical training has not prepared her for this kind of a challenge. She actually begins to lose it a bit, crying over her pans as she frantically searches for ideas. Ron is convinced he's got this challenge in the bag, although Eli notes that Ron isn't so much deconstructing a paella as he is just making an alteration or two. Ashley says that she didn't eat a lot of pot roast growing up, what with the poverty, but she loves the flavor. What she doesn't love is the texture, so that's her target for this challenge. Meanwhile, the piece of shit pressure cooker that Eli has brought from home explodes, sending wads of pork everywhere. Bryan is the only one hit, and he's far too zen to make a big deal out of it.
Robin casually works on her deconstructed clam chowder, secure in her immunity. She happily chatters away to herself, driving the chefs around her crazy. Laurine, in particular, is in no mood. The chips she's making for her fish 'n chips aren't getting crispy enough, so she's standing over the fryer, babysitting them. Robin asks her to pull a pan out of the oven and that, combined with her immunity and the annoying babbling, has Laurine ready to toss Robin in the fryer with her chips. Of course, Laurine could have said "Sorry, but I have to watch my own food right now," instead of caving and then seething about it, but whatever. Ptom drops by for what I'm just now realizing is his first Ptimewaste of the season. It also serves as a reminder as to how much I didn't miss it. Hilariously, Jenc keeps fleeing from one side of the Kitchen to the other to avoid talking to him. He eventually corners her, and she attempts to come up with a reasonable explanation of what she's doing. Her beet red face gives her away. Time winds down.
That night, Kevin and Eli try to talk Ron through how he might approach deconstruction, but he's just not getting it. Laurine bitches and moans to the others about how annoying Robin is. She's got a lot better reason to be frustrated than Eli, but after the rest of this episode, I just can't get behind any more Robin-bashing.
Interstitial. A shocking number of the chefs have no idea what eggs florentine is, and anyone I just spotted admitting that no longer gets to crow about how advanced and sophisticated a chef they are. I've taken down names.
The next day, Jenc interviews about how nervous she is. She appears to be the first contestant to realize that no matter how many times you're in the winners' circle, you're judged anew on each dish, so anyone could go. Thank you! I'm glad at least one of them gets it. The chefs are driven to the restaurant where they'll be serving, and have one hour to finish up their food. The judges get seated out in the dining room. Mike and Michael will be serving first. Michael is cool as a cucumber, while Mike curses his sloppy presentation. He's happy with the flavors, though. They go out to present. Michael's Caesar salad looks amazing. The encapsulated dressing (I think it's encapsulated in Parmesan, but I'm not sure) can be cracked like an egg, which is extremely clever. That's not even including the homemade brioche and warm Parmesan jelly. I know I beat up on him for his smarmy attitude last week, but there's a lot to be said for such an impressive plate. Mike's eggs florentine is braised kale with an egg emulsion and some crispy phyllo. He wasn't kidding about the crappy presentation. Toby nails it as being a reinvention, rather than a deconstruction. Everyone really likes the Caesar salad, though.
Next up are Laurine and Bryan. Laurine chips are too soggy, and she's working to get them crispier. She throws them in the oven, and they burn, so now she's down to about a dozen usable chips. Isn't it odd how the chefs who have spent this episode slamming Robin for doing overly simplistic food can't manage the simplest parts of their dishes? Uncanny! She and Bryan go out to present. Bryan giggles over the fact that he's serving Penn, who's a fairly large guy, this tiny plate of food. His "Reuben" includes tuna, warm mayonnaise, shallots, fried capers, the essence of Thousand Island flavors, gruyere cheese, and rye bread. Hey, remember three seconds ago, when Mike was taken to task for having a "reinvention" rather than a "deconstruction"? I'm here to tell you, if your "Reuben" doesn't have corned beef or even a hint of sauerkraut, it's not a Reuben in any sense of the word. Laurine has oil-poached halibut, some zucchini relish, a bit of tomato confit, and what's left of her parsley chips. Neither her fish nor chips go over well. The fish is dry and overcooked, and Teller has to chew his chip like cud to get it down. The foodie judges are in love with Bryan's "Reuben", and I'm grateful to Penn for taking more of a sensible, Everyman position by saying that while it tasted good, it wasn't a Reuben.
Ash and Jenc are up next. The main potato component to Ash's dish (a parsnip puree) hasn't worked out, and has a gummy texture. "Here's what I wanted to do, and here's why it didn't work," is fast becoming Ash's main character arc. He replaces the parsnip with a pea puree. Jenc is still very shaky about her food, and fears elimination. She likes the flavors, but is disappointed in it, overall. Ash's deconstructed shepherd's pie is pan-seared lamb chops with leeks, glazed carrots, a pea puree, and some Madeira jus. Jenc's lasagna has homemade pasta, flat iron steak, a mascarpone bechamel, Parmesan crisp, and tomato sauce. I am forced to point out that like a lot of past contestants, she mispronounces mascarpone. It's gotten to the point where we should probably just change the word to marscapone, since that's what everyone's instinct is. Of course, this is the same woman who says se-VEECH, so maybe we shouldn't be in such a hurry to amend the dictionary. Lingual issues aside, Jenc has once again knocked the challenge out of the park. Nobody has a bad thing to say about her lasagna. Ash, on the other hand, gets plenty. Some of his meat is undercooked. Some of his meat is overcooked. His dish completely lacked a potato element, which is necessary in shepherd's pie.
Up next are Ron and Eli. Ron can't get his rice as crispy as he wants it. That's the least of his problems. His paella has seafood, lemon, herb oil, chayote, and peas. Eli's sweet and sour pork is pork rillettes with a broccoli puree, raw broccoli salad, and a sweet and sour sauce. The judges dig in. Ron's is a mess from top to bottom. His rice is overcooked, yet not crispy, and his concept doesn't represent any sort of deconstruction. Eli's food tastes good, though Toby says that it's visually unappealing, which I agree with. He compares them to bull testicles, which Padma proudly brags about having sampled.
Penn: "I'll bet."
LabRat: "He's going after her, now that she's single."
I'm just happy the bull testicles aren't showing up on her dress this time. Next to serve are Ashley and Kevin. Neither of them are entirely happy with their presentations. That seems to be a theme for the evening. Ashley's pot roast is seared strip loin with potato puree, some crispy shallots, celery salad, and a carrot foam. Kevin's chicken mole negro has a gazillion components, so I'll just report what the subtitles see fit to include, which is a chicken thigh croquette, Mexican coffee fig jam, and a pumpkin/sunflower seed romesco. Both of them are given heavy praise. They both delivered wonderful plates of food, in the judges' estimation.
Robin is last to serve, which is weird. Who wraps up a dinner with soup? She gives the Standard Speech. Instead of soup, she's made a fennel flan with potato-crusted clams, and some crushed bacon. Well, I'll say she had good ideas as far as deconstruction goes. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out flavor- or texture-wise. Padma thanks Penn and Teller, and adjourns the table.
Commercials. I love Ricky Gervais, but it's almost impossible to build a big movie around him.
Fret 'n sweat. It lives up to its name, as Ash frets about his plate, and Jenc sweats over the fact that her dish didn't live up to her standards. Padma comes back, and summons Ashley, Michael, Kevin, and Jenc to Judges' Table. I guess it's time for Jenc to lower her standards! She lets out a sigh of relief when it's revealed that she, along with the others, of course, are in the winners' circle. Michael did a perfect job of deconstruction. Ashley's pot roast was new and exciting. Hey, where's the Eli interview in which he says that the only reason she's in the winners' circle is because the judges feel sorry for her growing up poor? I must have missed it. Every one of Kevin's little ingredients was necessary, and worked well. Jenc's simplicity worked in her favor, and Ptom was impressed she was able to overcome the nerves she had during his Ptimewaste. I'll throw in my traditional whine here that no matter how nervous or scatterbrained or pissy or hysterical a chef is during the preparation, it shouldn't figure into the final judging on their food, and although it's irrelevant in this particular case, it's one of the main problems I have with this show's structure.
Michelle gets to announce the winner, and it is... Kevin. He wins a set of non-stick cookware, and appears to be happy about it, although I have to think that he's probably set for pans back at home. I'll take them off his hands, if he wants. He vows to trust his instincts, as it always seems to serve him well. Padma asks him to send back the losers. Back in the Kitchen, Ash passive-aggressively attacks Robin for making simple food. OH MY FUCKING GOD, ENOUGH WITH THIS. And Ash? Perhaps you could save the sanctimonious speeches until after you're actually able to finish some food on time. Just a thought. The winners come back, and Kevin shows off his new acquisition. Michael tells them the judges want to see Laurine, Ron, and Ash. Curiously, the Odd Asian Music is back with us after being absent for so long. I guess his friend the Gong missed him.
Ash's shepherd's pie was lacking the potato aspect it needed. Ash spins his usual excuses about how his food didn't come together how he'd hoped. Ptom's bigger problem is with the inconsistency of the cooking on the lamb chops. Ash pageants that he's got a lot to offer and can give the other chefs a run for their money. Laurine admits that the challenge was difficult for her, because deconstructing is not something she normally does. She gets a point for knowing what was wrong with her food before the judges tell her, which they always like to see. Ptom says that the dish was "tentative", and Laurine freely says that it's not the type of food she typically does. Even if Ron didn't have the hardest dish to deconstruct, which he did, he still had no idea what he was doing. His rice and seafood was all overcooked. Padma says that in addition to having bad food, his bad food wasn't a real manipulation of regular paella. Michelle agrees that if he was going to blow the challenge parameters, he could at least make something taste good. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Toby gives paella a British pronunciation (pah-EL-uh), and makes fun of Americans for giving it its proper Spanish "ya" sound. He says that we don't say MEH-hee-koh or barth-eh-LOH-na. Michelle pisses that she has a Latin background (not really the point) and thus does give the words, including Barcelona, their accented pronunciations. Toby apologizes.
Limecrete: "Damn, is dinner over? Cause he just got served."
Tiffany: "She thinks he's an ath-hole."
All that aside, Ron screwed up both the concept and the execution of his food. Ash served bad tomatoes, couldn't cook his meat consistently, and should have had potatoes. Toby says that Ash's dish is the one he'd least like to eat again. They do grudgingly give him a point for realizing what was wrong with his food. Laurine's fish was dry, and she was uncomfortable with the challenge, which translated into her food. The judges make a decision.
Elimination. None of the bottom three did a good job of deconstructing their dish. Ron didn't depart from the original, and just flat-out served bad food. Laurine didn't offer enough chips. Ash's food didn't resemble shepherd's pie. We go over to Padma for the chop. Ron. Please pack your knives and go. Yeah, it was time. He seems like a wonderful guy, but was completely at sea with this challenge. No pun intended. In his final interview, he talks about the accomplishments he's achieved since he got to America. This experience has been fun for him, but he's looking forward to all the stuff that awaits. He gets his good-bye hugs, and walks out the door, leaving behind the whitest season we've ever seen.
Overall Grade: B-
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Not-So-Jolly Ranchers
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 5
Previously on Top Chef: You could see the Eiffel Tower from every window. Jesse got the booting that had been coming since the season kicked off, while Hector couldn't get his steak to cook properly, and paid the price. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Sickness felled the viewing party, so again it was left to LabRat and me. Cheese and wine made their usual appearances, but an empty pantry meant I couldn't scrape up more for dinner than a tuna fish sandwich and some pickles. Well-seasoned tuna, but tuna nonetheless.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. In an odd turn, tonight will feature a lot of quotes from Michael about how awesome he and his circle of friends, family, and coworkers are. None of these irritating boasts have anything to do with the actual episode, so I'm unsure why they're included. I'm just the messenger. We kick off tonight with one of them, as he wonders why Hector (who he deems a strong chef) was kicked off, while Robin (who he deems a weak chef) is still sticking around. Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?
He goes on to say that he feels the strongest chefs in the competition are Mike, Bryan, and himself. How convenient that the best chefs are also the ones he has worked with, is related to, and is! That's uncanny! I suppose we're not meant to remember that of the eight challenges we've seen so far, Kevin, Jenc, or Kevin and Jenc have completely dominated. So that happened. In other news, Mattin vows to concentrate harder, after being spanked in the challenges at which he should have excelled. Ashley misses her family, which makes sirens go off all over the room. It's mitigated somewhat by the fact that her niece was just born, so it's not just general melancholy.
Quickfire Challenge. We continue in the vein of Top Chef Masters competitors filling in as guest judges, as the chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tim Love. His expertise is incorporating rural Tex-Mex food into fine dining, so I think we can all guess what the challenges might involve tonight. Padma says that for the first time in the show's history, the viewing audience got to pick the Quickfire ingredient of focus. I admit I rarely pay attention to those stupid polls, and never vote in them, though I am happy about the results. The viewers were asked to choose from "snake", "cactus", or "kangaroo". Cactus won out, and it pleases me because it presents an actual challenge. Even if a chef has never worked with snake or kangaroo, meat is meat. In a broad sense, of course. There are all sorts of special ways to work with individual meats, but if I gave you a hunk of emu, and all you've ever cooked is chicken, I'd bet you could still work something out. Cactus requires more thought, and not only because of the spines, which Tim warns the chefs to watch out for.
Padma tells the chefs they'll have forty-five minutes to make a dish with cactus. The winner will score $15,000, but nobody gets immunity this time around. Ready? Go! Neither Michael nor Mattin has ever worked with cactus. Michael reasons that because he's been strong in previous Quickfires, he's got a good chance to win this one. Between this and the earlier comment about why Robin is still in the competition while Hector isn't, I think it's time for someone to gently sit him down and explain how this whole thing works. Mike knows a lot more about cactus than most of the others, explaining to us that the way you get the goo out of the flesh is to cure it, as you would with salmon.
Mattin frets over the spines and goo, but thinks that he may somehow be able to pair the cactus with tequila. Laurine isn't sure how to highlight the cactus, so she's using it as a component in a style she's more comfortable with. Ash works on a sope, but can't find a tortilla press in the Kitchen. Man, if only there were a way to flatten things without a specialized piece of equipment! Ron has no idea what he's doing, but hopes to hide the cactus in a sauce. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.
Padma and Tim go down the line. Laurine has put the cactus into a salsa, which she then put on top of an achiote-glazed pork chop. Kevin likes to make jams and marmalades. He has a cactus marmalade that he's used with pork tenderloin. Tim finds it kind of slimy. Kevin shrugs that he always finds cactus kind of slimy. I heard somewhere that you should cure it, as you would with salmon. Michael has made an avocado roll with a cactus coconut ceviche and a red cactus coulis. Ashley has taken a bit of a risk by turning the cactus into a dessert. She's made cactus jelly donuts with an orange creme anglaise. I have to say that of all the Quickfire dishes, this is the one I'd most want to try.
Mike has created a very appealing presentation of alternating tuna and cactus slabs. It's a cactus and tuna ceviche, accented with pipian (pumpkin seeds, basically). The side relish doesn't go over well, but Tim likes the rest. Ron has made chipotle swordfish with cactus sauce, and a mango/papaya/crab salad on the side. Bryan has a halibut and cactus ceviche with some tempura cactus. Two minor asides. Aside #1: That tempura is the second thing I'd want to try. Aside #2: I know time constraints must figure a lot into this, but enough with the goddamn ceviches, you guys. Ash has done a play on grilled cheese with the cactus. Frankly, it looks disgusting. Tim takes a bite, and judging from the look on his face, we won't have to wait until the results to know at least one person that'll end up in the bottom three. Jenc has made a warm chorizo and cactus salad with some queso fresco. Yum. Mattin has really gone whole hog with the cactus. There's a warm, red cactus puree, some breaded cactus, and halibut with lime/tequila-pickled cactus.
Results. First in the bottom three is Ash, unsurprisingly. Michael's dish was a trainwreck of flavors. That's impossible! Michael is one of the most talented chefs in this competition! Just ask Michael! Ron's fish was overcooked and the crab was almost rancid. Eeeeeeeew. Robin makes a face like, "Sucks to be him." Now, for the good news. Laurine had great flavors. Mike is announced, and he does the rock and roll fingers, because he can't even get good news without being obnoxious. Mattin also makes fists of jubilation when he makes the top tier, though in his case, it's more of a "Really? Yay!" gesture than a "Tremble in fear at my awesomeness!" one. He and Mike were the only two competitors to really showcase the cactus. As such, the winner is... Mike. And yeah, he's a tool, and I wouldn't want to hang out with him, but based on what I saw, he more than deserves it. Michael sniffs that while Mike certainly earned the win, he (meaning Michael) would rather put together good flavors than learn to take the goo out of cactus. Well, zero out of two ain't bad. Oh, wait. Yes, it is.
Commercials. One of the Real Housewives of Who Gives A Crap apparently has a "music" "career". Gwen Stefani had better watch her back.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing lunch outdoors for Tim and twenty-four cowboys at a nearby ranch. The chefs may make anything they like, so long as it's high-end. As in the military challenge, the chefs don't know what equipment they'll have to work with. For an additional little kick in the pants, the chefs will be spending the night at the ranch. Jenc's mind is visibly whirling with ideas. The chefs will have an hour and fifteen minutes to get all the food ready. Shopping. Everyone tries to balance their lofty ideas for food with more practical ideas of what they'll have to cook with. Michael's poor placement in the Quickfire has not affected his ability to pat himself on the back at all.
After shopping, the chefs are driven to the ranch, where they discover tents set up around a bunch of fire pits. They act shocked, though I'd wager that most of them knew this was coming. There are a few pans, utensils, and utility ingredients, but not much. Michael carps that these aren't ideal conditions, either for the cooks or for the food. He's increasingly getting on my nerves, but I can't argue with that. We hear about the various outdoorsy experiences of some of the chefs, but they're all boring. Eli wants nothing to do with camping. Yes, sticking to the indoors is a proud tradition of our people. Ron sets up a formation of sticks that he tells Ash is a voodoo method of keeping snakes away from their tent. Ash shrugs that anything done to keep snakes away is something he can endorse.
That evening, around the fire, the possibility of getting attacked by wild animals is discussed. Someone worries about bears. "Bears? Bears are sweet!" Ash says, sending a secret coded joke out to all of the musical theater fans in the audience. It's one of my favorites! Everyone makes it a fairly early evening, tucking themselves into tents that don't really look big enough for two people. At least not for anyone that tends to thrash in their sleep. Not that I'm projecting.
Commercials. Who needs Whip It when you can experience the real thing?
Morning. Nobody's looking forward to a day of cooking hot food over open flames in a dusty, scorching desert. As everyone gets started, we're treated to a mini-montage of how frustrated and irritable everyone is. We could have seen more, but why would we want to watch something relevant to the challenge at hand when that would have cut into the five minutes of snide, condescending interviews from Michael tonight? RoboBryan says that as long as he sticks to his timeline, he'll be fine. Ashley hopes to even out the temperature of the open flame by covering the pit with cast iron pans. Mattin tells us that he's making three types of ceviche. Oh, goody. More ceviche. Plus, you'll remember that ceviche isn't really cooked, so this is Mattin's way of completely ignoring the spirit of the challenge. I guess it's Padma's fault for telling the chefs they could make anything they want.
Ron is also making a ceviche, while saying in the same breath that it's time for him to be on top after all his bottom-dwelling. I'd love to hear how the reasoning behind "I'm going to own this challenge by ignoring its theme" would go. He's using coconuts, and will spin the juice into a mojito to serve alongside his food. What he's actually spinning the juice into is Jenc's face. Michael complains about the challenge some more, then says he's making a play on dashi (kelp) with black cod. He ignores the whole cowboy part of the challenge, saying that a chef doesn't cook according to each customer's tastes. The chef just cooks the way he wants, and hopefully, people will like it. I guess a case could be made for or against that argument. I'd agree that there's only so much you can (or would want to) change about your style of cooking, but I'd also say that the entire point of this show is to see how the competitors can marry their individual styles with the parameters of each wacky challenge. In this case, it doesn't matter, because the challenge isn't "Make Southwestern food". If it were, though, I don't think Michael would be able to get away with a defense that essentially boils down to "I didn't feel like it." It sure didn't work for Tiffani.
Laurine, who often reads my mind, and is thus rising rapidly on my happy list, feels eminently comfortable with Southwestern flavors. She disdains Mattin and Ron, because people who have been spending a hot day on the ranch aren't anxious to sit down to a plate of ceviche. Nailed it! Robin says she avoided using pork or any type of barbecue because it was too "obvious". Given her recent placements, I'd say that obviously popular styles of food may do her some good right now. No sense going out on a limb when you're already on the verge of falling out of the tree. She works on a "drunken prawn" salad. Bryan makes pork loin on corn polenta with some dandelion greens. See? It sounds good and it fits the challenge. No need to focus on one at the expense of the other. Ashley is not enjoying standing over a fire pit on a bazillion-degree day, but is confident in her ability to cook a piece of halibut. Time runs out. A lot of people finish at the last second.
The cowboys arrive. Some look like what you'd think a cowboy would look like. Some look like they've just left the nearest biker bar. One looks like he's taking a break from being a software engineer. And here's a man and woman who look like they were taking a stroll through a botanical garden on a date, and accidentally wound up here. The food is presented. Mike has made a pork gyro, which he gives a hard G, and pronounces to rhyme with "pyro". I was all set to make fun of him for it, but remembered that there's apparently all sorts of variations on that word. Damn it. He serves it with an apple and fennel tzatziki. There's another chef who's lucky the challenge didn't specify regional cuisine. I wish it had, because as it stands, "Make whatever, and feel free to ignore the fire pits" is extremely boring. Eli's made a tuna sandwich with sun-dried tomato mayo and a radish salad. Laurine has fully embraced Southwestern flavors with her sauteed Arctic char with a tomatillo salsa, a corn salsa, and a grilled potato. The judges dig in. Mike stayed in his Greek food rut, and while the gyro tasted fine, it's nothing to write home about. Laurine's food is flavorful, and she actually used the grill as intended. Eli's dish is a wad of blah.
Ash presents a grilled chicken paillard (quickly-cooked, thinly-sliced meat) with a corn succotash. The chicken has been brined and braised with bourbon. Mattin has made a trio of ceviches. There's salmon with apple, spicy tuna, and cod with corn. Robin yells that she's made a grilled romaine salad with spicy chicken sausage and the drunken prawns, that I guess have been stewed in alcohol, though we never hear what kind. The judges start with Mattin's ceviche. Tim is immediately unimpressed, but is outdone by Ptom, who walks a few steps away from the table and spits it out. He out-and-out calls it gross. Unaware of this, Mattin makes a triumphant gesture, convinced that he's hit this one out of the park. Joining him in Grossville is Robin, whose shrimp taste like chlorine, according to Tim. Spew. Unlike Mattin, she knows she's in big trouble. She hadn't tasted the prawns until the judges were already served, and agrees that they're terrible. Ash's chicken is so-so, and his succotash has too much bacon grease, but it benefits from being compared to Mattin and Robin's food, which was awful.
Bryan has followed through on his promise to make roasted pork loin on corn polenta, dandelion greens, and oyster mushrooms. There is also some glazed rutabaga on the side. Jenc has made snapper with a duck confit, all of which is on top of a daikon/carrot/spiced tomato water salad. Ashley has been inspired by a club sandwich, and has made seared halibut with avocado mousse, served on a bed of bacon, tomato, and braised romaine lettuce. The judges say that Bryan's dish is not only appropriate, but perfectly cooked. They also realize the technical challenge of the components he was able to put together. Jenc's slaw is great, and her meat is cooked well. Tim is less impressed than the other judges. Gail says that Ashley's plate is the best food she's made so far. The cowboys enjoy it as well.
Michael gives his cod to a woman who asks if he's got an Asian cooking background. "I've got an everything cooking background," he smarms. Where did this Michael come from, and is it too late to exchange him for the one in the first four episodes? He's made dashi with miso- and mirin-cured black cod, served with watermelon. Though he may be ratcheting up to a new level of assy, that does sound very good. Ron has a tuna ceviche with coconut, lime, and mango, served with a Haitian coconut mojito. The ceviche and drink are served in the two halves of the coconut shell, which is neat. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a pseudo-mole, tops it with a bit of "cold salad" (the components are never mentioned), and finishes with some tequila-marinated watermelon. Interesting. The judges like Ron's ceviche, though Ptom finds it sweet. Nobody likes the cocktail. The word "disgusting" is tossed out. Michael's dish is unexpectedly refreshing and tasty. Kevin's dish is very visually appealing, and has good flavors as well. The meal dispensed with, Padma suggests getting everyone out of the heat. Everyone is only too happy to comply.
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Judges' Table. Back at the fret 'n sweat, the chefs agree that something smelled spoiled when they opened the coolers this morning. There's a shot of Robin, so I guess that's why her shrimp sucked so much. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and asks Laurine, Ashley, Michael, and Bryan to join the judges. Kevin, Mike, and Ron look bitter. Or maybe they're just worried. Padma congratulates the top four on having the favorite dishes of the day. Ptom asks Ashley if being on this end isn't much better than being down at the bottom, and she smilingly agrees. Her fish was cooked perfectly in a difficult environment. Bryan's dish was focused, and was restaurant-worthy food, while still being suited to the desert environment. Laurine knew how to use the grill to her advantage. Tim gives her a backhanded compliment when he tells her that her food's simplicity is what made it shine. Michael wanted to do something non-traditional, given what he knew at the time about the challenge. Ptom liked the flavors, especially because of how unique his components were. Tim gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it is... Bryan, who has won three out of five Elimination Challenges. Wowsers. Not "Wowsers" to winning three out of five challenges, though that is impressive. "Wowsers" to the fact that his face actually cracks into a smile for once.
Bryan gets tepid applause back in the Kitchen. He tries to comfort Michael by complimenting his dish. I don't think Michael's ego really needs the stroking. Ashley tells the chefs that the judges want to see Robin, Ron, and Mattin. She wishes them luck as they trudge out the door. Robin tells the judges that she wanted to do a play on steak and barbecue. Tim points out that it's ridiculous to even attempt to equate sausage and shrimp with barbecued steak. Gail says the shrimp was so bad, the judges worried about the wisdom of eating it. Ouch. Robin admits that she didn't put out good food, and isn't the least surprised to be standing where she is. Mattin, on the other hand, says that he was happy with his food, and doesn't get why he's in the losing group. Ptom tells him that chunks of his cod were raw, and that the overall plate was really poorly constructed. Tim thinks Mattin's food actively made him ill. Double ouch. Ron is here because they need a third name to round out the bottom. That's obviously not what they say, but it is clearly the reason that he's there. His food was fine (if a tad sweet), but the ancillary drink was nasty. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Ron's ceviche was okay, but his drink was horrible. Tim didn't like the food's presentation, either, which I find silly. I think the coconut shell was clever. The real loser comes down to Mattin and Robin, both of whom gave the judges nearly inedible food. Robin's components had promise, but she didn't know how to put them together at all. She knew her food was bad, but didn't compensate for it. We know that's because she didn't realize it was bad until after the judges got it, but perhaps the judges themselves don't know that. For all that Robin did poorly, she at least knew it was poor, which makes Mattin's disaster even more confusing, since he loved it. That lack of awareness counts more against him than anything. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. As with last week, there is such an outlier that any suspense is instantly killed. There's bad food, and there's bad food that the chef thinks was just super. Yes, Mattin and his neckerchief will be sailing into the sunset tonight. The judges wish him luck. In his final interview, he admits that maybe ceviche wasn't the best idea when presented with a challenge to serve cowboys, but aside from that, doesn't seem to have taken a single other thing away from this experience. Yawn. What else is on?
Overall Grade: C
Previously on Top Chef: You could see the Eiffel Tower from every window. Jesse got the booting that had been coming since the season kicked off, while Hector couldn't get his steak to cook properly, and paid the price. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Sickness felled the viewing party, so again it was left to LabRat and me. Cheese and wine made their usual appearances, but an empty pantry meant I couldn't scrape up more for dinner than a tuna fish sandwich and some pickles. Well-seasoned tuna, but tuna nonetheless.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. In an odd turn, tonight will feature a lot of quotes from Michael about how awesome he and his circle of friends, family, and coworkers are. None of these irritating boasts have anything to do with the actual episode, so I'm unsure why they're included. I'm just the messenger. We kick off tonight with one of them, as he wonders why Hector (who he deems a strong chef) was kicked off, while Robin (who he deems a weak chef) is still sticking around. Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?
He goes on to say that he feels the strongest chefs in the competition are Mike, Bryan, and himself. How convenient that the best chefs are also the ones he has worked with, is related to, and is! That's uncanny! I suppose we're not meant to remember that of the eight challenges we've seen so far, Kevin, Jenc, or Kevin and Jenc have completely dominated. So that happened. In other news, Mattin vows to concentrate harder, after being spanked in the challenges at which he should have excelled. Ashley misses her family, which makes sirens go off all over the room. It's mitigated somewhat by the fact that her niece was just born, so it's not just general melancholy.
Quickfire Challenge. We continue in the vein of Top Chef Masters competitors filling in as guest judges, as the chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tim Love. His expertise is incorporating rural Tex-Mex food into fine dining, so I think we can all guess what the challenges might involve tonight. Padma says that for the first time in the show's history, the viewing audience got to pick the Quickfire ingredient of focus. I admit I rarely pay attention to those stupid polls, and never vote in them, though I am happy about the results. The viewers were asked to choose from "snake", "cactus", or "kangaroo". Cactus won out, and it pleases me because it presents an actual challenge. Even if a chef has never worked with snake or kangaroo, meat is meat. In a broad sense, of course. There are all sorts of special ways to work with individual meats, but if I gave you a hunk of emu, and all you've ever cooked is chicken, I'd bet you could still work something out. Cactus requires more thought, and not only because of the spines, which Tim warns the chefs to watch out for.
Padma tells the chefs they'll have forty-five minutes to make a dish with cactus. The winner will score $15,000, but nobody gets immunity this time around. Ready? Go! Neither Michael nor Mattin has ever worked with cactus. Michael reasons that because he's been strong in previous Quickfires, he's got a good chance to win this one. Between this and the earlier comment about why Robin is still in the competition while Hector isn't, I think it's time for someone to gently sit him down and explain how this whole thing works. Mike knows a lot more about cactus than most of the others, explaining to us that the way you get the goo out of the flesh is to cure it, as you would with salmon.
Mattin frets over the spines and goo, but thinks that he may somehow be able to pair the cactus with tequila. Laurine isn't sure how to highlight the cactus, so she's using it as a component in a style she's more comfortable with. Ash works on a sope, but can't find a tortilla press in the Kitchen. Man, if only there were a way to flatten things without a specialized piece of equipment! Ron has no idea what he's doing, but hopes to hide the cactus in a sauce. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.
Padma and Tim go down the line. Laurine has put the cactus into a salsa, which she then put on top of an achiote-glazed pork chop. Kevin likes to make jams and marmalades. He has a cactus marmalade that he's used with pork tenderloin. Tim finds it kind of slimy. Kevin shrugs that he always finds cactus kind of slimy. I heard somewhere that you should cure it, as you would with salmon. Michael has made an avocado roll with a cactus coconut ceviche and a red cactus coulis. Ashley has taken a bit of a risk by turning the cactus into a dessert. She's made cactus jelly donuts with an orange creme anglaise. I have to say that of all the Quickfire dishes, this is the one I'd most want to try.
Mike has created a very appealing presentation of alternating tuna and cactus slabs. It's a cactus and tuna ceviche, accented with pipian (pumpkin seeds, basically). The side relish doesn't go over well, but Tim likes the rest. Ron has made chipotle swordfish with cactus sauce, and a mango/papaya/crab salad on the side. Bryan has a halibut and cactus ceviche with some tempura cactus. Two minor asides. Aside #1: That tempura is the second thing I'd want to try. Aside #2: I know time constraints must figure a lot into this, but enough with the goddamn ceviches, you guys. Ash has done a play on grilled cheese with the cactus. Frankly, it looks disgusting. Tim takes a bite, and judging from the look on his face, we won't have to wait until the results to know at least one person that'll end up in the bottom three. Jenc has made a warm chorizo and cactus salad with some queso fresco. Yum. Mattin has really gone whole hog with the cactus. There's a warm, red cactus puree, some breaded cactus, and halibut with lime/tequila-pickled cactus.
Results. First in the bottom three is Ash, unsurprisingly. Michael's dish was a trainwreck of flavors. That's impossible! Michael is one of the most talented chefs in this competition! Just ask Michael! Ron's fish was overcooked and the crab was almost rancid. Eeeeeeeew. Robin makes a face like, "Sucks to be him." Now, for the good news. Laurine had great flavors. Mike is announced, and he does the rock and roll fingers, because he can't even get good news without being obnoxious. Mattin also makes fists of jubilation when he makes the top tier, though in his case, it's more of a "Really? Yay!" gesture than a "Tremble in fear at my awesomeness!" one. He and Mike were the only two competitors to really showcase the cactus. As such, the winner is... Mike. And yeah, he's a tool, and I wouldn't want to hang out with him, but based on what I saw, he more than deserves it. Michael sniffs that while Mike certainly earned the win, he (meaning Michael) would rather put together good flavors than learn to take the goo out of cactus. Well, zero out of two ain't bad. Oh, wait. Yes, it is.
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Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing lunch outdoors for Tim and twenty-four cowboys at a nearby ranch. The chefs may make anything they like, so long as it's high-end. As in the military challenge, the chefs don't know what equipment they'll have to work with. For an additional little kick in the pants, the chefs will be spending the night at the ranch. Jenc's mind is visibly whirling with ideas. The chefs will have an hour and fifteen minutes to get all the food ready. Shopping. Everyone tries to balance their lofty ideas for food with more practical ideas of what they'll have to cook with. Michael's poor placement in the Quickfire has not affected his ability to pat himself on the back at all.
After shopping, the chefs are driven to the ranch, where they discover tents set up around a bunch of fire pits. They act shocked, though I'd wager that most of them knew this was coming. There are a few pans, utensils, and utility ingredients, but not much. Michael carps that these aren't ideal conditions, either for the cooks or for the food. He's increasingly getting on my nerves, but I can't argue with that. We hear about the various outdoorsy experiences of some of the chefs, but they're all boring. Eli wants nothing to do with camping. Yes, sticking to the indoors is a proud tradition of our people. Ron sets up a formation of sticks that he tells Ash is a voodoo method of keeping snakes away from their tent. Ash shrugs that anything done to keep snakes away is something he can endorse.
That evening, around the fire, the possibility of getting attacked by wild animals is discussed. Someone worries about bears. "Bears? Bears are sweet!" Ash says, sending a secret coded joke out to all of the musical theater fans in the audience. It's one of my favorites! Everyone makes it a fairly early evening, tucking themselves into tents that don't really look big enough for two people. At least not for anyone that tends to thrash in their sleep. Not that I'm projecting.
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Morning. Nobody's looking forward to a day of cooking hot food over open flames in a dusty, scorching desert. As everyone gets started, we're treated to a mini-montage of how frustrated and irritable everyone is. We could have seen more, but why would we want to watch something relevant to the challenge at hand when that would have cut into the five minutes of snide, condescending interviews from Michael tonight? RoboBryan says that as long as he sticks to his timeline, he'll be fine. Ashley hopes to even out the temperature of the open flame by covering the pit with cast iron pans. Mattin tells us that he's making three types of ceviche. Oh, goody. More ceviche. Plus, you'll remember that ceviche isn't really cooked, so this is Mattin's way of completely ignoring the spirit of the challenge. I guess it's Padma's fault for telling the chefs they could make anything they want.
Ron is also making a ceviche, while saying in the same breath that it's time for him to be on top after all his bottom-dwelling. I'd love to hear how the reasoning behind "I'm going to own this challenge by ignoring its theme" would go. He's using coconuts, and will spin the juice into a mojito to serve alongside his food. What he's actually spinning the juice into is Jenc's face. Michael complains about the challenge some more, then says he's making a play on dashi (kelp) with black cod. He ignores the whole cowboy part of the challenge, saying that a chef doesn't cook according to each customer's tastes. The chef just cooks the way he wants, and hopefully, people will like it. I guess a case could be made for or against that argument. I'd agree that there's only so much you can (or would want to) change about your style of cooking, but I'd also say that the entire point of this show is to see how the competitors can marry their individual styles with the parameters of each wacky challenge. In this case, it doesn't matter, because the challenge isn't "Make Southwestern food". If it were, though, I don't think Michael would be able to get away with a defense that essentially boils down to "I didn't feel like it." It sure didn't work for Tiffani.
Laurine, who often reads my mind, and is thus rising rapidly on my happy list, feels eminently comfortable with Southwestern flavors. She disdains Mattin and Ron, because people who have been spending a hot day on the ranch aren't anxious to sit down to a plate of ceviche. Nailed it! Robin says she avoided using pork or any type of barbecue because it was too "obvious". Given her recent placements, I'd say that obviously popular styles of food may do her some good right now. No sense going out on a limb when you're already on the verge of falling out of the tree. She works on a "drunken prawn" salad. Bryan makes pork loin on corn polenta with some dandelion greens. See? It sounds good and it fits the challenge. No need to focus on one at the expense of the other. Ashley is not enjoying standing over a fire pit on a bazillion-degree day, but is confident in her ability to cook a piece of halibut. Time runs out. A lot of people finish at the last second.
The cowboys arrive. Some look like what you'd think a cowboy would look like. Some look like they've just left the nearest biker bar. One looks like he's taking a break from being a software engineer. And here's a man and woman who look like they were taking a stroll through a botanical garden on a date, and accidentally wound up here. The food is presented. Mike has made a pork gyro, which he gives a hard G, and pronounces to rhyme with "pyro". I was all set to make fun of him for it, but remembered that there's apparently all sorts of variations on that word. Damn it. He serves it with an apple and fennel tzatziki. There's another chef who's lucky the challenge didn't specify regional cuisine. I wish it had, because as it stands, "Make whatever, and feel free to ignore the fire pits" is extremely boring. Eli's made a tuna sandwich with sun-dried tomato mayo and a radish salad. Laurine has fully embraced Southwestern flavors with her sauteed Arctic char with a tomatillo salsa, a corn salsa, and a grilled potato. The judges dig in. Mike stayed in his Greek food rut, and while the gyro tasted fine, it's nothing to write home about. Laurine's food is flavorful, and she actually used the grill as intended. Eli's dish is a wad of blah.
Ash presents a grilled chicken paillard (quickly-cooked, thinly-sliced meat) with a corn succotash. The chicken has been brined and braised with bourbon. Mattin has made a trio of ceviches. There's salmon with apple, spicy tuna, and cod with corn. Robin yells that she's made a grilled romaine salad with spicy chicken sausage and the drunken prawns, that I guess have been stewed in alcohol, though we never hear what kind. The judges start with Mattin's ceviche. Tim is immediately unimpressed, but is outdone by Ptom, who walks a few steps away from the table and spits it out. He out-and-out calls it gross. Unaware of this, Mattin makes a triumphant gesture, convinced that he's hit this one out of the park. Joining him in Grossville is Robin, whose shrimp taste like chlorine, according to Tim. Spew. Unlike Mattin, she knows she's in big trouble. She hadn't tasted the prawns until the judges were already served, and agrees that they're terrible. Ash's chicken is so-so, and his succotash has too much bacon grease, but it benefits from being compared to Mattin and Robin's food, which was awful.
Bryan has followed through on his promise to make roasted pork loin on corn polenta, dandelion greens, and oyster mushrooms. There is also some glazed rutabaga on the side. Jenc has made snapper with a duck confit, all of which is on top of a daikon/carrot/spiced tomato water salad. Ashley has been inspired by a club sandwich, and has made seared halibut with avocado mousse, served on a bed of bacon, tomato, and braised romaine lettuce. The judges say that Bryan's dish is not only appropriate, but perfectly cooked. They also realize the technical challenge of the components he was able to put together. Jenc's slaw is great, and her meat is cooked well. Tim is less impressed than the other judges. Gail says that Ashley's plate is the best food she's made so far. The cowboys enjoy it as well.
Michael gives his cod to a woman who asks if he's got an Asian cooking background. "I've got an everything cooking background," he smarms. Where did this Michael come from, and is it too late to exchange him for the one in the first four episodes? He's made dashi with miso- and mirin-cured black cod, served with watermelon. Though he may be ratcheting up to a new level of assy, that does sound very good. Ron has a tuna ceviche with coconut, lime, and mango, served with a Haitian coconut mojito. The ceviche and drink are served in the two halves of the coconut shell, which is neat. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a pseudo-mole, tops it with a bit of "cold salad" (the components are never mentioned), and finishes with some tequila-marinated watermelon. Interesting. The judges like Ron's ceviche, though Ptom finds it sweet. Nobody likes the cocktail. The word "disgusting" is tossed out. Michael's dish is unexpectedly refreshing and tasty. Kevin's dish is very visually appealing, and has good flavors as well. The meal dispensed with, Padma suggests getting everyone out of the heat. Everyone is only too happy to comply.
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Judges' Table. Back at the fret 'n sweat, the chefs agree that something smelled spoiled when they opened the coolers this morning. There's a shot of Robin, so I guess that's why her shrimp sucked so much. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and asks Laurine, Ashley, Michael, and Bryan to join the judges. Kevin, Mike, and Ron look bitter. Or maybe they're just worried. Padma congratulates the top four on having the favorite dishes of the day. Ptom asks Ashley if being on this end isn't much better than being down at the bottom, and she smilingly agrees. Her fish was cooked perfectly in a difficult environment. Bryan's dish was focused, and was restaurant-worthy food, while still being suited to the desert environment. Laurine knew how to use the grill to her advantage. Tim gives her a backhanded compliment when he tells her that her food's simplicity is what made it shine. Michael wanted to do something non-traditional, given what he knew at the time about the challenge. Ptom liked the flavors, especially because of how unique his components were. Tim gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it is... Bryan, who has won three out of five Elimination Challenges. Wowsers. Not "Wowsers" to winning three out of five challenges, though that is impressive. "Wowsers" to the fact that his face actually cracks into a smile for once.
Bryan gets tepid applause back in the Kitchen. He tries to comfort Michael by complimenting his dish. I don't think Michael's ego really needs the stroking. Ashley tells the chefs that the judges want to see Robin, Ron, and Mattin. She wishes them luck as they trudge out the door. Robin tells the judges that she wanted to do a play on steak and barbecue. Tim points out that it's ridiculous to even attempt to equate sausage and shrimp with barbecued steak. Gail says the shrimp was so bad, the judges worried about the wisdom of eating it. Ouch. Robin admits that she didn't put out good food, and isn't the least surprised to be standing where she is. Mattin, on the other hand, says that he was happy with his food, and doesn't get why he's in the losing group. Ptom tells him that chunks of his cod were raw, and that the overall plate was really poorly constructed. Tim thinks Mattin's food actively made him ill. Double ouch. Ron is here because they need a third name to round out the bottom. That's obviously not what they say, but it is clearly the reason that he's there. His food was fine (if a tad sweet), but the ancillary drink was nasty. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Ron's ceviche was okay, but his drink was horrible. Tim didn't like the food's presentation, either, which I find silly. I think the coconut shell was clever. The real loser comes down to Mattin and Robin, both of whom gave the judges nearly inedible food. Robin's components had promise, but she didn't know how to put them together at all. She knew her food was bad, but didn't compensate for it. We know that's because she didn't realize it was bad until after the judges got it, but perhaps the judges themselves don't know that. For all that Robin did poorly, she at least knew it was poor, which makes Mattin's disaster even more confusing, since he loved it. That lack of awareness counts more against him than anything. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. As with last week, there is such an outlier that any suspense is instantly killed. There's bad food, and there's bad food that the chef thinks was just super. Yes, Mattin and his neckerchief will be sailing into the sunset tonight. The judges wish him luck. In his final interview, he admits that maybe ceviche wasn't the best idea when presented with a challenge to serve cowboys, but aside from that, doesn't seem to have taken a single other thing away from this experience. Yawn. What else is on?
Overall Grade: C
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Franco American
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: AMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRICA! The chefs had to work with limited ingredients and equipment. Mike tossed a salad he didn't even care about. Ew, not like that, perv. Michael won the challenge, Mike got pissed that the food he makes actually gets judged, and Preeti got eliminated for her insistence on being a perfectly nice, normal person. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. No viewing party this week, so it was just LabRat and I. That did free me up to make something that doesn't have to travel well, so we had some veggies, rice, and a terrific honey-mustard salmon that is deceptively simple.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Mike doesn't think he should have been on the bottom in the last challenge, because he's been on the top of every other challenge but one. Erm, no. Leaving aside the easily-destroyed argument that once someone is considered for a win, they must never qualify for Losers' Table, he's still wrong. He was in the top group for the first Elimination Challenge, but hasn't been there since. He rode the other men's coattails to his "win" in the bachelor/bachelorette challenge (in which the judges hated his food), and rode Michael's coattails to his "win" in the Air Force challenge (in which the judges hated his food). Nice try, though. Meanwhile, Robin frets because the first three eliminated contestants were all female, and worries that the boys are going to get swelled heads.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to Daniel Boulud's restaurant, where they are met by Ptom and Daniel Boulud himself, sitting in as guest judge this week. Ptom begins an introduction to French food, and how it's always been popular in the United States. Mattin is already grinning, sure he's got any French food challenge in the bag. The one French ingredient that has yet to really catch on here in the States is escargot. Jenc agrees that snail is difficult to cook well, and whoever first looked at one and thought "Yum!" must have been really fucking hungry. And how. Same goes for lobster and sea urchin. Today, the chefs' challenge is to make a dish using snail as the main protein. Daniel cautions that it must also be a new twist on escargot, so whatever is considered a "normal" snail dish is out the window. This is one of those high-stakes Quickfires, which means big news for both the winner and the loser. The winner gets immunity and another advantage that we'll get to later. The loser gets eliminated on the spot. A whole new layer of anxiety settles over the chefs. Ptom starts the forty-five minute countdown, and they all scatter.
Snail murder ensues. Mike is going for a Greek feel to his dish, because snail is a delicacy in Crete. I'm certainly not surprised that he wants to emulate a Cretan. Ba-zing! Kevin explains to us that snail doesn't taste like much of anything, so the background flavors must be boosted by other ingredients. Hector wants to marry escargot with Carribean flavors. Robin accidentally steals Ron's ingredients. She's anxious, having never worked with snail before, and fearing elimination. Over at the other end of the anxiety spectrum, Mattin doesn't have a care in the world. Jesse attempts to escape her sinkhole of despair. People plate up, and time runs out.
The chefs come out in small groups to present their dishes to Ptom and Daniel. Ron has made a French-style snail with caramelized shallots, alcohol, veggies, and some herbs. Jenc has grilled ramps, brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and yuzu with sauteed snail. Jesse has done a play on BLT called an "ELT", consisting of escargot and mache, with fried tomato as the "bread". If nothing else, it's very clever. Laurine has made lemon risotto with sauteed escargot, spinach, a parsley pesto, and some garlic butter. I have to say, I don't know how any of this tastes, but I have yet to see a dish of Laurine's that didn't at least sound really good. She and I are in sync, food-wise. Hector has paired Carribean escargot with pickled mushrooms. He and I are not in sync, food-wise. Robin has done a play off of bagels, lox, and cream cheese. Preach it, sista! I'll see you at shul for High Holidays! You know, if either of us feels like going or is at least guilted into it by our parents. Her plate includes poached escargot with marmalade, gooseberries, and rye toast.
Mattin has made fava bean toast with sauteed escargot, a regional pepper, and anise. Ew. Anise taints everything, but mix it with a pepper, and I'll bet it's even worse. Ashley has made soup and salad, and seems to have just plopped the snail into it. Kevin wanted to do a snail fricassee, and has paired it with mushrooms, brussels sprouts, and for something a little more interesting, a candied bacon jam. Intriguing. Bryan has a fermented garlic, butter-poached escargot with red wine risotto, a spinach emulsion, and some almond froth. Bryan seems like a nice guy and a competent chef, but his food sure leans towards the frou-frou. Michael has braised his snail in veal jus, and serves it with mushrooms and lasagna noodles. Mike has sauteed snail over potato garlic puree, some broth made with ouzo, and a little spring onion, lemon, and olive oil. Sounds good. That's all the dishes we see, and the chefs shuffle out nervously to hear the results.
For obvious reasons, we start with the favorites this time, instead of the bottom-dwellers. Mike's Greek preparation, Kevin's bacon jam, and Jenc's yuzu have elevated them to the top. Jeez, I have nothing against Mike being in the top for this one (his food really did look good), but if anyone gets to brag about ruling challenges, he should look over at the other two. The ultimate winner turns out to be... Kevin. He's happy with the win, and the validation it gives his down-home-flavor techniques. Now, to the bottom three. Jesse is required by law to be in the bottom group, and she's joined by Ashley and Robin. So, woman, woman, and woman. Looks like Robin's fears were well-founded. Rather than just cutting someone right away, Ptom sends the three of them back to the kitchen, giving them twenty minutes to whip together an amuse bouche to save themselves.
They cook. Time runs out. Oddly, all of them have made three plates for two judges. Who's getting that third one? Robin has made a mini avocado soup with yuzu, green apple, mustard relish, and crab. Jesse has a tuna tartare with sorrel, gooseberries, fried bread, and a fried quail egg on top. Ashley has thrown together some foie gras with pineapple, tarragon, and ramps. Foie gras with pineapple? Your ideas interest me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Robin's soup was good, but could have used more crab. Jesse's tartare could have used some spice. Ashley's foie gras needed to be cut a little thicker. Fairly minor criticisms, all.
Commercials. Go on the web to learn the winning Quickfire dish. Good idea. Let me pull out my escargot. I just need to move my liquid nitrogen tank out of the way first.
It's time for someone to go home, and to nobody's surprise, it's Jesse. It's almost the merciful thing to do at this point. She's upset and embarrassed to have been on the bottom of the heap yet again, and wants us all to know that she doesn't suck this bad when she's at home. I have no trouble believing it. Cooking skill doesn't equate to skill in marathon speed challenges with weird parameters. Ashley is relieved that she wasn't the one to go, but is using this experience to build her reputation, and being in the bottom sure doesn't help that. Jenc says that with four women in a row being eliminated, the rest of them have to step it up.
Elimination Challenge. Everyone but Kevin will draw a knife from the knife block. Six of them draw classic French sauces, and six of them draw classic French proteins. Mike is stressed, because he has no experience in French cooking. His worry is understandable, but I wish he wouldn't waggle his tongue around like that. It's fairly nasty. Ptom tells the sauce chefs and the protein chefs to pair up to create a six-course meal. Mattin is happy, because this challenge is almost tailor-made to his skills. Of course, so was the escargot challenge, and I don't remember hearing his name up in the winners' circle. I'm sure I must have just been distracted.
The chefs will be cooking for some of the biggest names in French cuisine, none of whom I've ever heard of (except for Hubert Keller, and that's because of this show). That's not a knock against them or their reputations; I'm just interested in a wide range of food styles, and tend not to concentrate on the Names within that style. I get that Americans view classic French techniques as the Holy Grail of the culinary world, but frankly, I feel Asian, Mediterranean, Latin, etc. can be just as valid and sophisticated. The contestants don't feel the same way. They're blown away by the Names they'll be serving. Michael says this may be the most important plate of food he's ever cooked. The chefs will have two hours to cook in the Kitchen, and an additional one hour of prep time on-site. As the winner of the Quickfire, Kevin is not only excused from cooking, but gets to eat with the rest of the diners. It sounds wonderful, though LabRat points out that if the ultimate goal of these chefs is to get important industry people to eat their food, Kevin's missing out on a potentially big opportunity. Oh, well. Who am I to intrude on his happiness?
Ptom gives the chefs ten minutes to pair up. I wonder why Padma's not covering this challenge. Did she have a shampoo or Hardee's commercial to film? Sorry, I'm still not over her snotty attitude from last week. I'll let it go now. Anyhow, the chefs pair up to be Michael/Jenc, Eli/Laurine, Ashley/Mattin, Hector/Ash, Mike/Bryan, and Ron/Robin. The individual proteins and sauces are all thrown at us in kind of a mouth-garbling mess, so we'll leave those alone for now. Everyone heads to the store for half an hour of shopping time with a $200 budget. Ashley suggests asparagus, which Mattin vetoes, saying it doesn't go with their sauce. He'd rather flavor the sauce with bacon. He is, after all, the French One, and must know best. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks, while Ron shops stoically. He tells us that she has a bunch of ideas that veer wildly away from classic French cooking, so he hopes his frog legs and her sauce are judged separately. Sibling rivalry interviews from Michael and Bryan. Zzzzz.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Lobster murder ensues. There's been more death in this episode of Top Chef than your average Dexter. Michael butchers rabbits. Ashley massages Mattin's ego about how awesome French food is. He's the French One, you know. Bryan explains his method for cooking trout to Mike. Mike doesn't seem to care that much, concentrating on his bearnaise sauce. He's never made it before, and works with Bryan's guidance to make a deconstructed sauce with all of the ingredients separated. Man, in six seasons, I don't think I've ever seen a contestant indulge in this much coattail-riding. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron's brain floats away to his Happy Place. As the time winds down, everyone packs up their food for transport.
Interstitial. Mattin drunkenly celebrates his birthday in a very Europy bathing suit.
The next morning, the chefs try to work the butterflies out of their stomachs, without much success. The Names are striking intense fear into their hearts. Ancient Greeks watching this show from Heaven are all like "Damn, we didn't quake this much when Zeus came down to kill or impregnate us." Everyone except Kevin heads to the MGM Grand where they'll be doing their final hour of prep and serving. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron escapes her and interviews that while he may be trained in French cuisine, French people and Haitian people don't have a great history of getting along. Mike works on his sauce, and begins to back out of the idea when it doesn't come together right away. Bryan tells him to just heat it more, and that they'll be fine.
Eli and Laurine are working with lobster and a sauce that Eli equates to lobster bisque. Yes, please! Laurine tells us that lobster is tough to cook well, as it's easy to overcook it into a rubbery mess. Mattin works on his veloute, hoping to stand out with his use of bacon. Ashley lets him take the lead on their overall plate, but she's extremely nervous about the whole thing. Jenc and Michael fly along on their rabbit with a chasseur. Hector is in charge of the chateaubriand, with Ash making an au poivre (peppercorn) sauce. Hector worries that the meat isn't cooking fast enough. Meanwhile, the judges, Names, an interpreter, and Kevin get seated in the dining room. Ron and Robin get their food plated. Eli makes fun of them in an interview.
Commercials. Yeesh. Top Chef may be the sole watchable show on Bravo this season.
Padma introduces everyone at the table to Ron and Robin, who are serving the first course. The Names seem genuinely pleased to be here. Let's get eating! Ron's frog legs are covered by Robin's meuniere sauce (brown butter, lemon, and parsley). They're served with a lemon confit, some mache, and an arugula salad with fried capers. The judges allow that frog legs are a difficult protein, but find them over-floured and overcooked. The Head Name (Joel Robuchon - who speaks in French throughout) finds the frog leg flavor masked by the sauce. Mike and Bryan are the second course, with warm cured trout and the deconstructed bearnaise sauce. The Names find everything to be simple, yet impressively sophisticated. I'm glad they don't take the time to air both the Head Name's original French critique and the interpreter's English translation of it, but the resulting French-with-subtitles makes it look like everyone at the table speaks fluent French, which is kind of hilarious.
Eli and Laurine go out with the third course, which is the lobster with the bisque-like "Americaine" sauce, a cauliflower puree, and a touch of raw cauliflower on top. In general, it goes over well, but loses some points on the details. The lobster is a bit tough and the sauce isn't as flavorful as it should be. Still, it's not bad for a couple of American rubes who don't know which end of the Eiffel Tower is up. Ashley and Mattin are the fourth course. They've made seared poussin (young chicken) with the veloute sauce, some ravioli, and green asparagus. Ashley's poussin is bland, while the bacon overpowered Mattin's sauce.
Michael and Jenc are the fifth course, with rabbit and the chasseur sauce. It's paired with a little mustard noodle and shiso leaf. The judges like it a lot, saying Michael and Jenc avoided the easy trap of tough meat, and that it's a very "mature" dish overall. Back in the kitchen, Hector does not have enough time to finish cooking the meat, let it rest, carve it, and get it on the plate. So the meat gets up to the proper temperature, but doesn't rest, is cut quickly and sloppily, and Ash doesn't get a lot of sauce on the plates before time runs out. Yipes. Their peppercorn steak is served with apple confit and spinach. As expected, the judges find their plates unrefined, messy, and light on sauce.
The Names enjoy the meal overall, and Gail posits that in no other season would they have had this good of a meal at this point in the competition. I just looked back at Episode Four in all of the previous seasons, and have to agree. Back at the main Kitchen, the chefs sit for their fret 'n sweat. Kevin enters to wait it out with them. They grill him about what the Names liked and disliked, but he's very non-committal. He's either being diplomatic, or more likely, is being forced by the producers to keep the judges' opinions secret.
Commercials. I covet the pared-down glasses these people drink from in the 64-calorie beer ads.
Judges' Table. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Michael/Jenc and Bryan/Mike to the table. What, no Mattin? But he's French! Padma informs the four chefs that they had the two best dishes of the night, and the four of them just stand there, presumably waiting for some other shoe to drop. Padma and Ptom have to remind them that this is a good thing. Bryan and Mike are roundly complimented on both the sauce and the fish. Michael and Jenc are too, but in this case, there's a healthy side helping of sexual tension.
LabRat: "As soon as the cameras are off, they are going to do it."
Daniel gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it's Bryan, for both his food and his advanced ideas about technique. His prize is to work at the Head Name's restaurant for a week. Awesome. Next time he wins, his prize can be to clean my bathroom. Padma asks the chefs to send the losers out. Mattin, Ashley, Hector, and Ash are the unlucky group. Ashley's poussin was dry and heavy. Mattin's sauce was more of a gravy than a veloute, and his use of bacon is questioned. He shrugs that he hasn't made a veloute in a long time. But the Frenchness! Ashley's asparagus didn't add much, and the judges suggest maybe having done an asparagus veloute, because they're psychic. They always say that they don't see any of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and only judge on the food that's presented to them. This is what's known as "bullshit". Ashley says the idea of an asparagus veloute did come up, and Ptom assumes that Mattin shot it down. He denies it, which may not be an outright lie, but is certainly closer to false than true. Nothing is ever made of this maneuver of his, which is weird. Hector and Ash's problems were apparent. Their time issue led to not enough sauce, not enough resting, and not enough care taken with the carving.
Deliberations. Padma says that a case could be made for someone from either team going home. Thank you for that invaluable contribution. Hector's poor timing cannot be overlooked, especially since he had the simplest protein to work with out of anybody. Ash's sauce was pretty much fine, if minimal. Ashley's ravioli was too thick, her meat was dry, and she refused to sell Mattin out. Ah, shades of last week. How unwelcome. Mattin had a chance to shine in his area of expertise, and just didn't make a proper sauce. Here is the point where I'd normally sneer at Ptom for dictating to a French person how to make a French sauce, but Mattin really did seem to skitter off the rails tonight. The judges make a decision.
Elimination. This one isn't very suspenseful, which is fine. It's not the show's fault that one person messed up so much worse than everyone else. If you can't cook a basic steak, you can't move on, and so it's Hector that will be taking the long walk tonight. He's disappointed that he won't be able to stick around to represent himself and his people. It's true that with him gone, Ron's the only one left keeping this from being the whitest season ever. Hector thinks he maybe shouldn't have changed his style to meet time restrictions or the judges' tastes. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Eve stayed true to her roots, and look what happened to her. Fortunately, Hector seems more on the ball, and his workaholic nature will serve both as a cushion for the disappointment and a focus for what to do next. Bon voyage!
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: AMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRICA! The chefs had to work with limited ingredients and equipment. Mike tossed a salad he didn't even care about. Ew, not like that, perv. Michael won the challenge, Mike got pissed that the food he makes actually gets judged, and Preeti got eliminated for her insistence on being a perfectly nice, normal person. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. No viewing party this week, so it was just LabRat and I. That did free me up to make something that doesn't have to travel well, so we had some veggies, rice, and a terrific honey-mustard salmon that is deceptively simple.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Mike doesn't think he should have been on the bottom in the last challenge, because he's been on the top of every other challenge but one. Erm, no. Leaving aside the easily-destroyed argument that once someone is considered for a win, they must never qualify for Losers' Table, he's still wrong. He was in the top group for the first Elimination Challenge, but hasn't been there since. He rode the other men's coattails to his "win" in the bachelor/bachelorette challenge (in which the judges hated his food), and rode Michael's coattails to his "win" in the Air Force challenge (in which the judges hated his food). Nice try, though. Meanwhile, Robin frets because the first three eliminated contestants were all female, and worries that the boys are going to get swelled heads.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to Daniel Boulud's restaurant, where they are met by Ptom and Daniel Boulud himself, sitting in as guest judge this week. Ptom begins an introduction to French food, and how it's always been popular in the United States. Mattin is already grinning, sure he's got any French food challenge in the bag. The one French ingredient that has yet to really catch on here in the States is escargot. Jenc agrees that snail is difficult to cook well, and whoever first looked at one and thought "Yum!" must have been really fucking hungry. And how. Same goes for lobster and sea urchin. Today, the chefs' challenge is to make a dish using snail as the main protein. Daniel cautions that it must also be a new twist on escargot, so whatever is considered a "normal" snail dish is out the window. This is one of those high-stakes Quickfires, which means big news for both the winner and the loser. The winner gets immunity and another advantage that we'll get to later. The loser gets eliminated on the spot. A whole new layer of anxiety settles over the chefs. Ptom starts the forty-five minute countdown, and they all scatter.
Snail murder ensues. Mike is going for a Greek feel to his dish, because snail is a delicacy in Crete. I'm certainly not surprised that he wants to emulate a Cretan. Ba-zing! Kevin explains to us that snail doesn't taste like much of anything, so the background flavors must be boosted by other ingredients. Hector wants to marry escargot with Carribean flavors. Robin accidentally steals Ron's ingredients. She's anxious, having never worked with snail before, and fearing elimination. Over at the other end of the anxiety spectrum, Mattin doesn't have a care in the world. Jesse attempts to escape her sinkhole of despair. People plate up, and time runs out.
The chefs come out in small groups to present their dishes to Ptom and Daniel. Ron has made a French-style snail with caramelized shallots, alcohol, veggies, and some herbs. Jenc has grilled ramps, brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and yuzu with sauteed snail. Jesse has done a play on BLT called an "ELT", consisting of escargot and mache, with fried tomato as the "bread". If nothing else, it's very clever. Laurine has made lemon risotto with sauteed escargot, spinach, a parsley pesto, and some garlic butter. I have to say, I don't know how any of this tastes, but I have yet to see a dish of Laurine's that didn't at least sound really good. She and I are in sync, food-wise. Hector has paired Carribean escargot with pickled mushrooms. He and I are not in sync, food-wise. Robin has done a play off of bagels, lox, and cream cheese. Preach it, sista! I'll see you at shul for High Holidays! You know, if either of us feels like going or is at least guilted into it by our parents. Her plate includes poached escargot with marmalade, gooseberries, and rye toast.
Mattin has made fava bean toast with sauteed escargot, a regional pepper, and anise. Ew. Anise taints everything, but mix it with a pepper, and I'll bet it's even worse. Ashley has made soup and salad, and seems to have just plopped the snail into it. Kevin wanted to do a snail fricassee, and has paired it with mushrooms, brussels sprouts, and for something a little more interesting, a candied bacon jam. Intriguing. Bryan has a fermented garlic, butter-poached escargot with red wine risotto, a spinach emulsion, and some almond froth. Bryan seems like a nice guy and a competent chef, but his food sure leans towards the frou-frou. Michael has braised his snail in veal jus, and serves it with mushrooms and lasagna noodles. Mike has sauteed snail over potato garlic puree, some broth made with ouzo, and a little spring onion, lemon, and olive oil. Sounds good. That's all the dishes we see, and the chefs shuffle out nervously to hear the results.
For obvious reasons, we start with the favorites this time, instead of the bottom-dwellers. Mike's Greek preparation, Kevin's bacon jam, and Jenc's yuzu have elevated them to the top. Jeez, I have nothing against Mike being in the top for this one (his food really did look good), but if anyone gets to brag about ruling challenges, he should look over at the other two. The ultimate winner turns out to be... Kevin. He's happy with the win, and the validation it gives his down-home-flavor techniques. Now, to the bottom three. Jesse is required by law to be in the bottom group, and she's joined by Ashley and Robin. So, woman, woman, and woman. Looks like Robin's fears were well-founded. Rather than just cutting someone right away, Ptom sends the three of them back to the kitchen, giving them twenty minutes to whip together an amuse bouche to save themselves.
They cook. Time runs out. Oddly, all of them have made three plates for two judges. Who's getting that third one? Robin has made a mini avocado soup with yuzu, green apple, mustard relish, and crab. Jesse has a tuna tartare with sorrel, gooseberries, fried bread, and a fried quail egg on top. Ashley has thrown together some foie gras with pineapple, tarragon, and ramps. Foie gras with pineapple? Your ideas interest me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Robin's soup was good, but could have used more crab. Jesse's tartare could have used some spice. Ashley's foie gras needed to be cut a little thicker. Fairly minor criticisms, all.
Commercials. Go on the web to learn the winning Quickfire dish. Good idea. Let me pull out my escargot. I just need to move my liquid nitrogen tank out of the way first.
It's time for someone to go home, and to nobody's surprise, it's Jesse. It's almost the merciful thing to do at this point. She's upset and embarrassed to have been on the bottom of the heap yet again, and wants us all to know that she doesn't suck this bad when she's at home. I have no trouble believing it. Cooking skill doesn't equate to skill in marathon speed challenges with weird parameters. Ashley is relieved that she wasn't the one to go, but is using this experience to build her reputation, and being in the bottom sure doesn't help that. Jenc says that with four women in a row being eliminated, the rest of them have to step it up.
Elimination Challenge. Everyone but Kevin will draw a knife from the knife block. Six of them draw classic French sauces, and six of them draw classic French proteins. Mike is stressed, because he has no experience in French cooking. His worry is understandable, but I wish he wouldn't waggle his tongue around like that. It's fairly nasty. Ptom tells the sauce chefs and the protein chefs to pair up to create a six-course meal. Mattin is happy, because this challenge is almost tailor-made to his skills. Of course, so was the escargot challenge, and I don't remember hearing his name up in the winners' circle. I'm sure I must have just been distracted.
The chefs will be cooking for some of the biggest names in French cuisine, none of whom I've ever heard of (except for Hubert Keller, and that's because of this show). That's not a knock against them or their reputations; I'm just interested in a wide range of food styles, and tend not to concentrate on the Names within that style. I get that Americans view classic French techniques as the Holy Grail of the culinary world, but frankly, I feel Asian, Mediterranean, Latin, etc. can be just as valid and sophisticated. The contestants don't feel the same way. They're blown away by the Names they'll be serving. Michael says this may be the most important plate of food he's ever cooked. The chefs will have two hours to cook in the Kitchen, and an additional one hour of prep time on-site. As the winner of the Quickfire, Kevin is not only excused from cooking, but gets to eat with the rest of the diners. It sounds wonderful, though LabRat points out that if the ultimate goal of these chefs is to get important industry people to eat their food, Kevin's missing out on a potentially big opportunity. Oh, well. Who am I to intrude on his happiness?
Ptom gives the chefs ten minutes to pair up. I wonder why Padma's not covering this challenge. Did she have a shampoo or Hardee's commercial to film? Sorry, I'm still not over her snotty attitude from last week. I'll let it go now. Anyhow, the chefs pair up to be Michael/Jenc, Eli/Laurine, Ashley/Mattin, Hector/Ash, Mike/Bryan, and Ron/Robin. The individual proteins and sauces are all thrown at us in kind of a mouth-garbling mess, so we'll leave those alone for now. Everyone heads to the store for half an hour of shopping time with a $200 budget. Ashley suggests asparagus, which Mattin vetoes, saying it doesn't go with their sauce. He'd rather flavor the sauce with bacon. He is, after all, the French One, and must know best. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks, while Ron shops stoically. He tells us that she has a bunch of ideas that veer wildly away from classic French cooking, so he hopes his frog legs and her sauce are judged separately. Sibling rivalry interviews from Michael and Bryan. Zzzzz.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Lobster murder ensues. There's been more death in this episode of Top Chef than your average Dexter. Michael butchers rabbits. Ashley massages Mattin's ego about how awesome French food is. He's the French One, you know. Bryan explains his method for cooking trout to Mike. Mike doesn't seem to care that much, concentrating on his bearnaise sauce. He's never made it before, and works with Bryan's guidance to make a deconstructed sauce with all of the ingredients separated. Man, in six seasons, I don't think I've ever seen a contestant indulge in this much coattail-riding. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron's brain floats away to his Happy Place. As the time winds down, everyone packs up their food for transport.
Interstitial. Mattin drunkenly celebrates his birthday in a very Europy bathing suit.
The next morning, the chefs try to work the butterflies out of their stomachs, without much success. The Names are striking intense fear into their hearts. Ancient Greeks watching this show from Heaven are all like "Damn, we didn't quake this much when Zeus came down to kill or impregnate us." Everyone except Kevin heads to the MGM Grand where they'll be doing their final hour of prep and serving. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron escapes her and interviews that while he may be trained in French cuisine, French people and Haitian people don't have a great history of getting along. Mike works on his sauce, and begins to back out of the idea when it doesn't come together right away. Bryan tells him to just heat it more, and that they'll be fine.
Eli and Laurine are working with lobster and a sauce that Eli equates to lobster bisque. Yes, please! Laurine tells us that lobster is tough to cook well, as it's easy to overcook it into a rubbery mess. Mattin works on his veloute, hoping to stand out with his use of bacon. Ashley lets him take the lead on their overall plate, but she's extremely nervous about the whole thing. Jenc and Michael fly along on their rabbit with a chasseur. Hector is in charge of the chateaubriand, with Ash making an au poivre (peppercorn) sauce. Hector worries that the meat isn't cooking fast enough. Meanwhile, the judges, Names, an interpreter, and Kevin get seated in the dining room. Ron and Robin get their food plated. Eli makes fun of them in an interview.
Commercials. Yeesh. Top Chef may be the sole watchable show on Bravo this season.
Padma introduces everyone at the table to Ron and Robin, who are serving the first course. The Names seem genuinely pleased to be here. Let's get eating! Ron's frog legs are covered by Robin's meuniere sauce (brown butter, lemon, and parsley). They're served with a lemon confit, some mache, and an arugula salad with fried capers. The judges allow that frog legs are a difficult protein, but find them over-floured and overcooked. The Head Name (Joel Robuchon - who speaks in French throughout) finds the frog leg flavor masked by the sauce. Mike and Bryan are the second course, with warm cured trout and the deconstructed bearnaise sauce. The Names find everything to be simple, yet impressively sophisticated. I'm glad they don't take the time to air both the Head Name's original French critique and the interpreter's English translation of it, but the resulting French-with-subtitles makes it look like everyone at the table speaks fluent French, which is kind of hilarious.
Eli and Laurine go out with the third course, which is the lobster with the bisque-like "Americaine" sauce, a cauliflower puree, and a touch of raw cauliflower on top. In general, it goes over well, but loses some points on the details. The lobster is a bit tough and the sauce isn't as flavorful as it should be. Still, it's not bad for a couple of American rubes who don't know which end of the Eiffel Tower is up. Ashley and Mattin are the fourth course. They've made seared poussin (young chicken) with the veloute sauce, some ravioli, and green asparagus. Ashley's poussin is bland, while the bacon overpowered Mattin's sauce.
Michael and Jenc are the fifth course, with rabbit and the chasseur sauce. It's paired with a little mustard noodle and shiso leaf. The judges like it a lot, saying Michael and Jenc avoided the easy trap of tough meat, and that it's a very "mature" dish overall. Back in the kitchen, Hector does not have enough time to finish cooking the meat, let it rest, carve it, and get it on the plate. So the meat gets up to the proper temperature, but doesn't rest, is cut quickly and sloppily, and Ash doesn't get a lot of sauce on the plates before time runs out. Yipes. Their peppercorn steak is served with apple confit and spinach. As expected, the judges find their plates unrefined, messy, and light on sauce.
The Names enjoy the meal overall, and Gail posits that in no other season would they have had this good of a meal at this point in the competition. I just looked back at Episode Four in all of the previous seasons, and have to agree. Back at the main Kitchen, the chefs sit for their fret 'n sweat. Kevin enters to wait it out with them. They grill him about what the Names liked and disliked, but he's very non-committal. He's either being diplomatic, or more likely, is being forced by the producers to keep the judges' opinions secret.
Commercials. I covet the pared-down glasses these people drink from in the 64-calorie beer ads.
Judges' Table. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Michael/Jenc and Bryan/Mike to the table. What, no Mattin? But he's French! Padma informs the four chefs that they had the two best dishes of the night, and the four of them just stand there, presumably waiting for some other shoe to drop. Padma and Ptom have to remind them that this is a good thing. Bryan and Mike are roundly complimented on both the sauce and the fish. Michael and Jenc are too, but in this case, there's a healthy side helping of sexual tension.
LabRat: "As soon as the cameras are off, they are going to do it."
Daniel gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it's Bryan, for both his food and his advanced ideas about technique. His prize is to work at the Head Name's restaurant for a week. Awesome. Next time he wins, his prize can be to clean my bathroom. Padma asks the chefs to send the losers out. Mattin, Ashley, Hector, and Ash are the unlucky group. Ashley's poussin was dry and heavy. Mattin's sauce was more of a gravy than a veloute, and his use of bacon is questioned. He shrugs that he hasn't made a veloute in a long time. But the Frenchness! Ashley's asparagus didn't add much, and the judges suggest maybe having done an asparagus veloute, because they're psychic. They always say that they don't see any of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and only judge on the food that's presented to them. This is what's known as "bullshit". Ashley says the idea of an asparagus veloute did come up, and Ptom assumes that Mattin shot it down. He denies it, which may not be an outright lie, but is certainly closer to false than true. Nothing is ever made of this maneuver of his, which is weird. Hector and Ash's problems were apparent. Their time issue led to not enough sauce, not enough resting, and not enough care taken with the carving.
Deliberations. Padma says that a case could be made for someone from either team going home. Thank you for that invaluable contribution. Hector's poor timing cannot be overlooked, especially since he had the simplest protein to work with out of anybody. Ash's sauce was pretty much fine, if minimal. Ashley's ravioli was too thick, her meat was dry, and she refused to sell Mattin out. Ah, shades of last week. How unwelcome. Mattin had a chance to shine in his area of expertise, and just didn't make a proper sauce. Here is the point where I'd normally sneer at Ptom for dictating to a French person how to make a French sauce, but Mattin really did seem to skitter off the rails tonight. The judges make a decision.
Elimination. This one isn't very suspenseful, which is fine. It's not the show's fault that one person messed up so much worse than everyone else. If you can't cook a basic steak, you can't move on, and so it's Hector that will be taking the long walk tonight. He's disappointed that he won't be able to stick around to represent himself and his people. It's true that with him gone, Ron's the only one left keeping this from being the whitest season ever. Hector thinks he maybe shouldn't have changed his style to meet time restrictions or the judges' tastes. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Eve stayed true to her roots, and look what happened to her. Fortunately, Hector seems more on the ball, and his workaholic nature will serve both as a cushion for the disappointment and a focus for what to do next. Bon voyage!
Overall Grade: B+
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Mess Hall
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 3
Previously on Top Chef: A bachelor/bachelorette party challenge offended Jenc and Ashley. The hot sun demolished a lot of the food. RoboBrian climbed the ladder to an Elimination Challenge win, while Eve discovered that if you're going to be on a show called Top Chef, it may be wise to cook something edible. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. In addition to the familiar cast (wine, cheese, crackers, and summer sausage), LabRat cooked up some spicy Andouille sausage that he then declared unfit to share with the viewing party. Between you and me, I think he kept it home so we could hog it. Luckily, we didn't show up empty-handed. The Great Depression Cookies delighted all, as food shaped like letters of the alphabet is wont to do.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc is pissy, because the women's loss last week prevented her from being among the top chefs for the first time. Laurine says she's nervous, because she went to culinary school a long time ago, and made the decision to focus on a solid career, rather than being a "rock-star chef". At this point, I write down Laurine's name as being at the losers' table at the end of this episode, because that is some of the most naked foreshadowing I've ever seen. One of the themes for this evening, as you'll quickly discover, is that Top Chef is still one part cooking competition; nine parts television show. I'm confident the other theme will soon become apparent. Jesse worries, because she's been scraping the bottom of every single challenge so far, save the first one.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Mark Peel, who was a contestant on Top Chef Masters, a fairly entertaining spinoff of this show that was fun to watch, and dull as dishwater to write about. It was disconcerting enough to just have Kevin, who closely resembles one of my friends. Now we've also got Mark Peel, who closely resembles another one of my friends. Two or three more, and we'll have a Twilight Zone episode in the works. There's one other thing worth noting in the Kitchen, which is mountain upon mountain of potatoes sitting on the counter. Padma explains that the Quickfire will be to create an "out of this world" dish featuring any of the many kinds of potatoes available. The normal time limit has been extended to forty-five minutes, I guess because potatoes take a while to cook. Jesse is excited, because she likes potatoes. Really? Wow! I never thought I'd see another person on Earth who enjoys potatoes! We're soulmates!
Padma starts the clock. Jenc grabs the mussels and focuses her razor-sharp concentration on getting her potato base seasoning right. Ron aims for snapper crusted with sweet potato, calling himself the Bob Marley of the kitchen. Ash hopes to impress with a sweet potato ice cream. Jesse works on a soup, because she loves it and finds it comforting. No fucking way! Me too! She likes potatoes. She likes soup. Don't even tell me she enjoys chocolate or bacon from time to time or I'm going to think we've been separated at birth. Mike works on a potato risotto, and lacking an opportunity to condescend to the inferior women in the Kitchen, condescends to us, instead. The audience laments that WonkaVision hasn't been perfected yet, and we can't transmit bricks through the screen and into his face. Ashley is attempting to make potato gnocchi, which is tough to pull off in forty-five minutes.
Preeti mixes asparagus and peppers with her potato, saying that after being on the bottom last week, she's really got to step it up. Don't bother, Preeti. After the look Ptom gave your clam-shucking attempts in the first episode, and the pissy lecture about swapping the shiso leaves in the second one, you may as well throw some raw potato on the plate and call it a day. Call it the Suyai Rule; once Ptom doesn't like your personality or the way you comport yourself, you could make a scale model reproduction of Big Ben out of potato and still get trashed for it.
Meanwhile... Minor drama! Kevin has told Preeti she could use his pot of boiling water, but it's gone by the time she goes over to use it. Not knowing this, she puts her food in Ashley's boiling water, which Ashley desperately needs. Given the type of people they tend to cast on Top Chef, it's resolved very rationally, all things considered. Preeti apologizes profusely, and while Ashley is panicked and very curt about it, she lets it go once she's got her food back on track. Jenc laughingly interviews that she, herself wouldn't have been nearly as nice if someone had screwed up her water. Ash realizes that his ice cream isn't getting cold fast enough. Jesse realizes that she's put too much cayenne pepper in her soup. Time runs out.
Padma and Mark go down the line. With no ice cream to present, Ash tells them that he's made a chilled, sweet potato custard with toasted pecans on top. Hehe. Nice. Mark says it has a nice texture, as Ash holds back a laugh. Bryan has made a vichyssoise with sunchoke and Yukon gold potatoes, and has included some applewood-smoked caviar as well. Sounds good. Mark tells him he's neatly avoided the gluey mess that it could have been. Preeti has aimed for "out of this world" through use of color. She's made saffron-poached banana fingerling potatoes and paired it with asparagus and tomato. It's a very pretty plate, I'll give it that. Michael has a confit of tuna with olive oil and confit of potato in chicken stock. It sounds good, but takes up only a lonely little corner of the plate, making it look kind of sad. Mark finds the potato underdone, but the rest is good.
Jenc presents her steamed mussels with Yukon gold and blue potatoes in a lemongrass potato sauce (with duck fat, chicken stock, ginger, and garlic). Yum. Robin has gone the breakfast route with purple and fingerling potatoes, white yams with pancetta, a bit of frisee and a fried egg on top. Hector is nearly unintelligible, but has made a trio of Latin-inspired potatoes, including sweet potato in fish sauce with lime, purple potatoes with ham, and fingerling potatoes with yeast, yellow chile, cream, and a slow-cooked egg. Really? Just plain yeast tossed in? Odd. Laurine has made a vegetarian potato "burger" with tomato, Swiss chard, and a mushroom bun with fingerling chips on the side. Mattin has made a beautiful plate of poached cod with little pools of puree. There are blue potato, Yukon gold, and sweet potato purees, lending a very "artist's palette" look to it. Kevin has made bacon-braised yam with potato sauce, served with asparagus, mushroom, and cauliflower on emulsified duck fat. Mike presents his potato risotto with king crab and mascarpone. Mark finds it salty, but Padma tries to soften the blow by giving him credit for a good idea. Ashley has pulled off her potato gnocchi with Hen of the Woods mushrooms and a homemade ricotta. Very impressive.
Eli has done a play on sweet potatoes with mushrooms, making a yam puree with pistachios, whipped bliss potato, and a bourbon maple syrup. Padma gets a pistachio shell in the mouth. Eli tempts Fate by saying that while he suspects that he doesn't have the winning dish, he won't be on the bottom. Ron has made some sweet potato-crusted yellowtail with a fennel and leek stew on the side. Mark tells him that his favorite part is the stew, and Ron grins, not picking up on the signal that the potato part of the dish should have taken center stage. Jesse is already beet red with embarrassment when the judges approach. She has made sweet potato soup with ginger, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. I'd be curious to try a version of that with the correct amount of seasoning. I can't put brown sugar and cayenne together in my head. Jesse beats herself in the head. That's not figurative.
Results. Mark has been where the chefs are standing, and realizes that the time limit is the biggest challenge to overcome. That said, the bottom three are Eli, for tempting Fate (really it's for the sweetness of his food, but again - one part cooking; nine parts television), Ron's bland yam on top of overcooked fish, and naturally, Jesse's overly spicy soup.
Tiffany: "The Bland Yams will be the name of my next band."
Speaking of naturally, Jenc gets high marks for her mussels. Ash's custard is in the top as well, and the look on his face is utterly priceless. He goofed his dish up, pulled the idea to present it as if he meant it that way directly out of his ass, and beat out at least twelve other chefs. He tries to keep from cracking up. Rounding out the top three is Ashley, whose mushrooms were cooked perfectly and enhanced her potato gnocchi. The winner of the Quickfire will get immunity, but no shiny cash prize this time, I'm afraid. That winner is... Jenc. Mike calls this win "favoritism", because she's won all of two Quickfires, judged by different people. He'd be amusing if he weren't so fucking obnoxious.
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about classless whores, and we thank you for selecting ours.
Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in a special guest. It's Colonel Dave Belote, of the local Air Force base. He tells the chefs that their challenge will be to cook a meal for 300 service personnel. Some of them are returning from duty, and some of them are on their way out, so this could be the last good meal they have for a while. He warns them that these soldiers have tasted food all over the world (read: "Don't assume they're rubes who will be happy with a bunch of greasy burgers,") and that they have nutritional requirements. Michael and Bryan are excited, because their little sister is in the Air Force. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be working in a single team, and will have four hours to cook. However, they won't know what ingredients or cooking equipment they'll be working with until the next day. This does not fill the room with glee.
Ashley: "I feel fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to cook for these people."
LabRat (as Ashley): "But I won't, because they don't allow gays in the military."
Back at the Resort (my name for their snazzy house), the chefs have a meeting to discuss how to handle the challenge. Mike may be a raging asshole, but he does have a very smart idea as to how to divide the work. Jenc will be in charge of the kitchen, making sure all the dishes are coordinated, while the remaining fourteen chefs split into teams of two, each of which will concentrate on their own dish. That way, if everything goes to hell, Jenc is protected by immunity. Jenc has no problem with that, only hoping that everyone is able to work well together. Teams are picked. Preeti aligns herself with Laurine because of their geographical connection. Geography also brings Eli and Kevin together, as well as a "fat kid" bond. Land mass isn't the only team-forming bond, though. There's also the matter of similar names. Ash and Ashley team up, as do Mike and Michael. Bryan/Mattin and Hector/Robin wind up together, probably because all four of them are desperate to avoid working with Jesse the anchor. Ron is too mild-mannered to speak up about his teammate preferences, so he gets put with her. He's not entirely happy about this.
The next morning, the chefs head for the Air Force base. Robin joins the chorus of voices clamoring to pledge support for this challenge and who they're cooking for. When the chefs arrive, they discover a mass of canned food. There are also no stoves or individual pots. It's mostly big ovens and enormous vats. The chefs despair.
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about tooly douchebags, and we thank you for selecting ours.
The chefs try to work out what they can possibly do with such limited ingredients and equipment. Kevin has worked with ROTC, and thus knows what to expect more than the others. Jenc collects each of the mini-teams' ideas for the menu, selects what she thinks are the best and most workable, and sets people to work. Michael reiterates how awesome it is to cook for the troops. OK, I'm not going to disparage this challenge, because I agree, it's an extremely worthy one. But please, consider the patriotism theme understood now. The second I think that, they deploy the flag-waving-over-a-bald-eagle-perched-on-top-of-Mom's-apple-pie megabomb. Preeti, you see, decided to become a chef... Because of 9/11. The only way she could make sense of those thousands of deaths was to cook. We never hear what the correlation between those two concepts are. Did she always want to cook, and the possibility of imminent death caused her to follow her dream? Did she just want to distract herself by thinking about complex sauces rather than terrorist cells? Who knows? You know, there's patriotism, and then there's just beating your audience in the face with spacious skies and amber waves of grain. They're laying this on waaaaaaaaaaay too thick.
Thankfully, we're returned to the food for a while. Michael is working on a soy/mustard pork belly, which he'll serve in a taco shell of lettuce. Since he's got that covered, Mike decides to make a simple salad with some poached shrimp. By the way, if you hadn't heard, Bryan's sister is in the Air Force. YAY, AMERICA! He and Mattin are making New York strip with cauliflower gratin and a mushroom demi-glace. Kevin and Eli are making braised pork with some potato salad on the side. Since they're both from Atlanta, they're going the Southern barbecue route. Ron and Jesse agree that they're both skilled at clam chowder, so they go for that. Hector and Robin work on a three-bean chili with chicken. I hope none of those airmen are getting on a plane right after this meal. Ash and Ashley find some very thick, almost brioche-like bread, and decide to make a chocolate bread pudding with peanut butter. Hey, guess what? Ash's brother is a Marine, and his father was in the navy, so he wants to do right by this challenge, so the troops can have a "taste of America" before they go. YAAY, AMERICA! Laurine and Preeti are working on a farfalle pasta salad. Laurine says it'll be good to have a dish that's both familiar and vegetarian.
The lack of equipment causes a lot of teams to run up against each other in terms of their cooking requirements. People freak out a bit, but Jenc has an iron plan that will get everyone into their needed cooking vessels in time. She directs people from place to place like an air-traffic controller, and does an excellent job at it. She's just the right level of strict, telling people to wash out certain vats for someone else's use, and shutting down pockets of distracting chatter that would throw the timetable off. Unsurprisingly, the only person who can't seem to handle the situation is Jesse, who is a bit hysterical in telling Mattin that he has to come out of the giant cooking vat so she and Ron can get the chowder done. No worries. Thanks to Jenc's organizational skills, everyone gets done on time. I may as well go ahead and tell you now that she will get absolutely no credit for this later, and it pisses me off. That would have been a total clusterfuck without her.
The chefs and their food are shuttled over to the hangar where everything will be served, and Michael says that emotion started to kick in for everyone, due to the importance of the challenge. YAAAY, AMERICA! Jenc continues her reign of kicking ass by directing where all of the food will go, as well as where all of the backup ingredients can be set for quick refills. Ash, Ashley, and Jenc don't have a lot of plating work to do, so they're going to fill in as helpers as the others serve. Preeti worries, because everyone else's food is so much more impressive than the boring pasta salad that she and Laurine put together. She's not wrong. Viewing party guest Tawdry Hepburn has been railing against the pasta salad idea since they brought it up. It is awfully basic. Eli thinks that Ron and Jesse's New England clam chowder doesn't make much sense on a hot, summer day. Be glad Jesse was able to turn out some food without burning the whole base down, Eli. Michael demonstrates to Mike how he wants his pork belly served.
The judges arrive. What the hell is Padma wearing? If they're going to spend an hour talking about how gravely important this challenge is to our identities as Americans, you'd think she could put on something a little classier than a skin-tight leopard-print dress, with come-fuck-me stiletto heels. I know this is Vegas, but Jesus. Not everyone needs to work the corner. Once the judges are in the hangar, the servicemen and women arrive. Bryan reiterates (though at this point, he's actually re-re-reiterating) how awesome it is to cook for the troops. YAAAAY, AMERICA!
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about people who think they're bigger deals within their profession than they really are, and we thank you for selecting ours.
The service personnel begin to make their way through the line. Some of them have brought their families along, so there are some children in the mix. Jesse wants to make sure the entire meal is solid, because she's honored to be cooking for the Air Force. YAAAAAY, AMERICA! The judges pick up their plates so we can see the finished products. Mike has made Greek salad with cucumbers, chickpeas, olives, and olive oil-poached shrimp. Laurine and Preeti's aforementioned boring pasta salad includes broccoli, peppers, sun-dried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts. Ron and Jesse's clam chowder also has roasted corn in it, as well as celery, onion, and potato. Robin presents her and Hector's three-bean chicken chili. Kevin and Eli's "Taste of the South" includes Georgia-style pork shoulder and homemade potato salad. Colonel Belote looks delighted with it already, and he hasn't even eaten any. Kevin talks about the members of his family that have served in the military, and how important the challenge is to him and to the rest of us. YAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Mike hands out Michael's braised pork belly in a soy/mustard sauce. Bryan and Mattin's New York strip loin is exactly how I described it before. Jenc keeps the line flowing quickly.
The diners dig in, and everyone seems to love everything. The judges like the New York strip loin very much, and while Padma appreciates the pasta salad for being vegetarian and refreshing, it's not a creative or inspired dish at all. Hector and Robin's chicken chili has very authentic flavors, while Ron and Jesse's chowder is thick, but tasty. The judges question the wisdom of making hot, cream-based soup on a summer day, but don't seem to mind that much. Kevin and Eli's two dishes get rave reviews. Gail calls Michael's pork belly "super-mega-delicious", while Mike's Greek salad has undercooked shrimp. Ash and Ashley's bread pudding is a little dense, but is very satisfying. Jenc did a good job in her supervisory role. That's the most we'll hear about her contribution. Once the diners are fed, the chefs clean up their stations. Eli is confident in how he and Kevin did. Colonel Belote thanks the chefs for all they did for the Air Force, and Robin is happy to have done the country proud. YAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! The servicemen and women give the chefs a cheer. Ron calls the challenge the best experience of his career, because cooking for American troops is something he's always wanted to do. YAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Interstitial. Some of the chefs talk about how nifty the Air Force base is. YAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Judges' Table. During their fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen, the chefs talk about how much the challenge meant to them today. YAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, Eli, and Mike to the table.
LabRat: "AKA 'Talent', 'Talent', 'Talent', and 'Douchebag'."
Padma informs the four of them that although the chefs worked as one team, there can only be one winner. Kevin gets credit for the pork shoulder, which Mark loved. Michael's inventiveness gets really high marks. It soon becomes apparent to the judges that Michael had everything to do with the pork belly, while Mike was in charge of the Greek salad. Weirdly, Eli's potato salad isn't even brought up, despite the fact that it was one of the most popular dishes amongst the judges. Padma asks Mark to announce the challenge winner, and it is... Michael. That racks up one Elimination Challenge win for each of the brothers. Padma asks the guys to send out Preeti and Laurine, and informs Mike that he'll be coming back for losers' table as well. The look on his face, as if someone has just punched him in the stomach, is the highlight of the evening. He's confused and pissed off.
Back in the Kitchen, Michael's win is applauded. Mike tells the others that he'll be going out again, and puts on one of the most unconvincing displays of "Whatever, I don't care" that I've ever seen. Jesse just looks thrilled that she's not the one being raked across the coals for once. Once back at the table, Mike tells the judges that he's mad because he just made the Greek salad because he had time and the overall menu was missing a salad. He doesn't consider that the salad has to be, you know, good, and seems shocked that they expected that. Mark goes on to say that the shrimp was undercooked, and the entire salad was underseasoned. Sound familiar? Once the judges are able to actually get across their point that they have to judge on what he presented them, no matter how unnecessary it was, Mike tries to cover by saying he's angry at himself, rather than them. He swears it won't happen again.
Now, we get to the part of the episode that really lays bare my initial argument: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. Ptom asks Preeti and Laurine whose idea the pasta salad was. For no earthly reason I can think of, he refuses to accept that it was thrown into a team brainstorming session, and so it must be pinned to one of the two of them. To be fair, the pasta salad was uninventive. I've said before that any dish featured on this show that I could whip up without a sweat won't and shouldn't win any points. My problem here is that the judges aren't focusing on poor flavors or lack of creativity. They're focusing on the fact that Laurine and Preeti won't backstab each other. Laurine shoots herself in the foot even more when she says that she was focused on serving the servicemen and women, and completely forgot that she was taking part in a competition. Oof. The judges are predictably pissy with this answer, and continue to attempt to drive a wedge between Preeti and Laurine. They continue to fail. Padma sneers that maybe they'll just eliminate both of them. Sorry they didn't meet the high culinary standards of a woman who practically licks barbecue sauce off of her own caslapas in fast-food commercials, Your Highness.
The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Laurine nails it when she tells the others that all the judges wanted was for them to incriminate each other, but she refuses to do that. She gets a ton of points for that, not only for the sentiment, but for the fact that she was able to express it without resorting to the trite phrase "thrown under the bus". Deliberations. I'm going to skip them, because frankly, they don't mean a damn thing. The food isn't under discussion. What's really being debated is who's too boring to be on television. Laurine and Preeti are normal people who aren't interested in throwing tantrums, while Mike is a love-to-hate-him cockbite. Sure, he committed the exact same culinary sin as Eve, but we can't get rid of him, because then who will we laugh at and deride for the rest of the season?
Elimination. It's Preeti. I actually expected Laurine, but it doesn't really matter. Let's get to her final interview first. She says that she's learned a lot of things, and that to her, what really matters is pleasing the customer, not figuring out some crazy, cool thing she wants to try out on people. She doesn't have any regrets, because the experience just reaffirmed her commitment to what she does. What a healthy attitude. That's why she was doomed, and why it didn't matter whether it was her or Laurine that got eliminated this week, because neither of them was going to win the season. Nor will Jesse. Nor will Ron. Nor will Robin. Hector, Ash, and Mattin have an outside chance, but it's not likely. How can I possibly make such an assertion, when I have such a limited scope of these people's cooking abilities? Because no matter their skills, they're not Reality Show Winner archetypes. Sing it if you know it: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. YAAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Overall Grade: C-
Previously on Top Chef: A bachelor/bachelorette party challenge offended Jenc and Ashley. The hot sun demolished a lot of the food. RoboBrian climbed the ladder to an Elimination Challenge win, while Eve discovered that if you're going to be on a show called Top Chef, it may be wise to cook something edible. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. In addition to the familiar cast (wine, cheese, crackers, and summer sausage), LabRat cooked up some spicy Andouille sausage that he then declared unfit to share with the viewing party. Between you and me, I think he kept it home so we could hog it. Luckily, we didn't show up empty-handed. The Great Depression Cookies delighted all, as food shaped like letters of the alphabet is wont to do.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc is pissy, because the women's loss last week prevented her from being among the top chefs for the first time. Laurine says she's nervous, because she went to culinary school a long time ago, and made the decision to focus on a solid career, rather than being a "rock-star chef". At this point, I write down Laurine's name as being at the losers' table at the end of this episode, because that is some of the most naked foreshadowing I've ever seen. One of the themes for this evening, as you'll quickly discover, is that Top Chef is still one part cooking competition; nine parts television show. I'm confident the other theme will soon become apparent. Jesse worries, because she's been scraping the bottom of every single challenge so far, save the first one.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Mark Peel, who was a contestant on Top Chef Masters, a fairly entertaining spinoff of this show that was fun to watch, and dull as dishwater to write about. It was disconcerting enough to just have Kevin, who closely resembles one of my friends. Now we've also got Mark Peel, who closely resembles another one of my friends. Two or three more, and we'll have a Twilight Zone episode in the works. There's one other thing worth noting in the Kitchen, which is mountain upon mountain of potatoes sitting on the counter. Padma explains that the Quickfire will be to create an "out of this world" dish featuring any of the many kinds of potatoes available. The normal time limit has been extended to forty-five minutes, I guess because potatoes take a while to cook. Jesse is excited, because she likes potatoes. Really? Wow! I never thought I'd see another person on Earth who enjoys potatoes! We're soulmates!
Padma starts the clock. Jenc grabs the mussels and focuses her razor-sharp concentration on getting her potato base seasoning right. Ron aims for snapper crusted with sweet potato, calling himself the Bob Marley of the kitchen. Ash hopes to impress with a sweet potato ice cream. Jesse works on a soup, because she loves it and finds it comforting. No fucking way! Me too! She likes potatoes. She likes soup. Don't even tell me she enjoys chocolate or bacon from time to time or I'm going to think we've been separated at birth. Mike works on a potato risotto, and lacking an opportunity to condescend to the inferior women in the Kitchen, condescends to us, instead. The audience laments that WonkaVision hasn't been perfected yet, and we can't transmit bricks through the screen and into his face. Ashley is attempting to make potato gnocchi, which is tough to pull off in forty-five minutes.
Preeti mixes asparagus and peppers with her potato, saying that after being on the bottom last week, she's really got to step it up. Don't bother, Preeti. After the look Ptom gave your clam-shucking attempts in the first episode, and the pissy lecture about swapping the shiso leaves in the second one, you may as well throw some raw potato on the plate and call it a day. Call it the Suyai Rule; once Ptom doesn't like your personality or the way you comport yourself, you could make a scale model reproduction of Big Ben out of potato and still get trashed for it.
Meanwhile... Minor drama! Kevin has told Preeti she could use his pot of boiling water, but it's gone by the time she goes over to use it. Not knowing this, she puts her food in Ashley's boiling water, which Ashley desperately needs. Given the type of people they tend to cast on Top Chef, it's resolved very rationally, all things considered. Preeti apologizes profusely, and while Ashley is panicked and very curt about it, she lets it go once she's got her food back on track. Jenc laughingly interviews that she, herself wouldn't have been nearly as nice if someone had screwed up her water. Ash realizes that his ice cream isn't getting cold fast enough. Jesse realizes that she's put too much cayenne pepper in her soup. Time runs out.
Padma and Mark go down the line. With no ice cream to present, Ash tells them that he's made a chilled, sweet potato custard with toasted pecans on top. Hehe. Nice. Mark says it has a nice texture, as Ash holds back a laugh. Bryan has made a vichyssoise with sunchoke and Yukon gold potatoes, and has included some applewood-smoked caviar as well. Sounds good. Mark tells him he's neatly avoided the gluey mess that it could have been. Preeti has aimed for "out of this world" through use of color. She's made saffron-poached banana fingerling potatoes and paired it with asparagus and tomato. It's a very pretty plate, I'll give it that. Michael has a confit of tuna with olive oil and confit of potato in chicken stock. It sounds good, but takes up only a lonely little corner of the plate, making it look kind of sad. Mark finds the potato underdone, but the rest is good.
Jenc presents her steamed mussels with Yukon gold and blue potatoes in a lemongrass potato sauce (with duck fat, chicken stock, ginger, and garlic). Yum. Robin has gone the breakfast route with purple and fingerling potatoes, white yams with pancetta, a bit of frisee and a fried egg on top. Hector is nearly unintelligible, but has made a trio of Latin-inspired potatoes, including sweet potato in fish sauce with lime, purple potatoes with ham, and fingerling potatoes with yeast, yellow chile, cream, and a slow-cooked egg. Really? Just plain yeast tossed in? Odd. Laurine has made a vegetarian potato "burger" with tomato, Swiss chard, and a mushroom bun with fingerling chips on the side. Mattin has made a beautiful plate of poached cod with little pools of puree. There are blue potato, Yukon gold, and sweet potato purees, lending a very "artist's palette" look to it. Kevin has made bacon-braised yam with potato sauce, served with asparagus, mushroom, and cauliflower on emulsified duck fat. Mike presents his potato risotto with king crab and mascarpone. Mark finds it salty, but Padma tries to soften the blow by giving him credit for a good idea. Ashley has pulled off her potato gnocchi with Hen of the Woods mushrooms and a homemade ricotta. Very impressive.
Eli has done a play on sweet potatoes with mushrooms, making a yam puree with pistachios, whipped bliss potato, and a bourbon maple syrup. Padma gets a pistachio shell in the mouth. Eli tempts Fate by saying that while he suspects that he doesn't have the winning dish, he won't be on the bottom. Ron has made some sweet potato-crusted yellowtail with a fennel and leek stew on the side. Mark tells him that his favorite part is the stew, and Ron grins, not picking up on the signal that the potato part of the dish should have taken center stage. Jesse is already beet red with embarrassment when the judges approach. She has made sweet potato soup with ginger, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. I'd be curious to try a version of that with the correct amount of seasoning. I can't put brown sugar and cayenne together in my head. Jesse beats herself in the head. That's not figurative.
Results. Mark has been where the chefs are standing, and realizes that the time limit is the biggest challenge to overcome. That said, the bottom three are Eli, for tempting Fate (really it's for the sweetness of his food, but again - one part cooking; nine parts television), Ron's bland yam on top of overcooked fish, and naturally, Jesse's overly spicy soup.
Tiffany: "The Bland Yams will be the name of my next band."
Speaking of naturally, Jenc gets high marks for her mussels. Ash's custard is in the top as well, and the look on his face is utterly priceless. He goofed his dish up, pulled the idea to present it as if he meant it that way directly out of his ass, and beat out at least twelve other chefs. He tries to keep from cracking up. Rounding out the top three is Ashley, whose mushrooms were cooked perfectly and enhanced her potato gnocchi. The winner of the Quickfire will get immunity, but no shiny cash prize this time, I'm afraid. That winner is... Jenc. Mike calls this win "favoritism", because she's won all of two Quickfires, judged by different people. He'd be amusing if he weren't so fucking obnoxious.
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Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in a special guest. It's Colonel Dave Belote, of the local Air Force base. He tells the chefs that their challenge will be to cook a meal for 300 service personnel. Some of them are returning from duty, and some of them are on their way out, so this could be the last good meal they have for a while. He warns them that these soldiers have tasted food all over the world (read: "Don't assume they're rubes who will be happy with a bunch of greasy burgers,") and that they have nutritional requirements. Michael and Bryan are excited, because their little sister is in the Air Force. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be working in a single team, and will have four hours to cook. However, they won't know what ingredients or cooking equipment they'll be working with until the next day. This does not fill the room with glee.
Ashley: "I feel fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to cook for these people."
LabRat (as Ashley): "But I won't, because they don't allow gays in the military."
Back at the Resort (my name for their snazzy house), the chefs have a meeting to discuss how to handle the challenge. Mike may be a raging asshole, but he does have a very smart idea as to how to divide the work. Jenc will be in charge of the kitchen, making sure all the dishes are coordinated, while the remaining fourteen chefs split into teams of two, each of which will concentrate on their own dish. That way, if everything goes to hell, Jenc is protected by immunity. Jenc has no problem with that, only hoping that everyone is able to work well together. Teams are picked. Preeti aligns herself with Laurine because of their geographical connection. Geography also brings Eli and Kevin together, as well as a "fat kid" bond. Land mass isn't the only team-forming bond, though. There's also the matter of similar names. Ash and Ashley team up, as do Mike and Michael. Bryan/Mattin and Hector/Robin wind up together, probably because all four of them are desperate to avoid working with Jesse the anchor. Ron is too mild-mannered to speak up about his teammate preferences, so he gets put with her. He's not entirely happy about this.
The next morning, the chefs head for the Air Force base. Robin joins the chorus of voices clamoring to pledge support for this challenge and who they're cooking for. When the chefs arrive, they discover a mass of canned food. There are also no stoves or individual pots. It's mostly big ovens and enormous vats. The chefs despair.
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The chefs try to work out what they can possibly do with such limited ingredients and equipment. Kevin has worked with ROTC, and thus knows what to expect more than the others. Jenc collects each of the mini-teams' ideas for the menu, selects what she thinks are the best and most workable, and sets people to work. Michael reiterates how awesome it is to cook for the troops. OK, I'm not going to disparage this challenge, because I agree, it's an extremely worthy one. But please, consider the patriotism theme understood now. The second I think that, they deploy the flag-waving-over-a-bald-eagle-perched-on-top-of-Mom's-apple-pie megabomb. Preeti, you see, decided to become a chef... Because of 9/11. The only way she could make sense of those thousands of deaths was to cook. We never hear what the correlation between those two concepts are. Did she always want to cook, and the possibility of imminent death caused her to follow her dream? Did she just want to distract herself by thinking about complex sauces rather than terrorist cells? Who knows? You know, there's patriotism, and then there's just beating your audience in the face with spacious skies and amber waves of grain. They're laying this on waaaaaaaaaaay too thick.
Thankfully, we're returned to the food for a while. Michael is working on a soy/mustard pork belly, which he'll serve in a taco shell of lettuce. Since he's got that covered, Mike decides to make a simple salad with some poached shrimp. By the way, if you hadn't heard, Bryan's sister is in the Air Force. YAY, AMERICA! He and Mattin are making New York strip with cauliflower gratin and a mushroom demi-glace. Kevin and Eli are making braised pork with some potato salad on the side. Since they're both from Atlanta, they're going the Southern barbecue route. Ron and Jesse agree that they're both skilled at clam chowder, so they go for that. Hector and Robin work on a three-bean chili with chicken. I hope none of those airmen are getting on a plane right after this meal. Ash and Ashley find some very thick, almost brioche-like bread, and decide to make a chocolate bread pudding with peanut butter. Hey, guess what? Ash's brother is a Marine, and his father was in the navy, so he wants to do right by this challenge, so the troops can have a "taste of America" before they go. YAAY, AMERICA! Laurine and Preeti are working on a farfalle pasta salad. Laurine says it'll be good to have a dish that's both familiar and vegetarian.
The lack of equipment causes a lot of teams to run up against each other in terms of their cooking requirements. People freak out a bit, but Jenc has an iron plan that will get everyone into their needed cooking vessels in time. She directs people from place to place like an air-traffic controller, and does an excellent job at it. She's just the right level of strict, telling people to wash out certain vats for someone else's use, and shutting down pockets of distracting chatter that would throw the timetable off. Unsurprisingly, the only person who can't seem to handle the situation is Jesse, who is a bit hysterical in telling Mattin that he has to come out of the giant cooking vat so she and Ron can get the chowder done. No worries. Thanks to Jenc's organizational skills, everyone gets done on time. I may as well go ahead and tell you now that she will get absolutely no credit for this later, and it pisses me off. That would have been a total clusterfuck without her.
The chefs and their food are shuttled over to the hangar where everything will be served, and Michael says that emotion started to kick in for everyone, due to the importance of the challenge. YAAAY, AMERICA! Jenc continues her reign of kicking ass by directing where all of the food will go, as well as where all of the backup ingredients can be set for quick refills. Ash, Ashley, and Jenc don't have a lot of plating work to do, so they're going to fill in as helpers as the others serve. Preeti worries, because everyone else's food is so much more impressive than the boring pasta salad that she and Laurine put together. She's not wrong. Viewing party guest Tawdry Hepburn has been railing against the pasta salad idea since they brought it up. It is awfully basic. Eli thinks that Ron and Jesse's New England clam chowder doesn't make much sense on a hot, summer day. Be glad Jesse was able to turn out some food without burning the whole base down, Eli. Michael demonstrates to Mike how he wants his pork belly served.
The judges arrive. What the hell is Padma wearing? If they're going to spend an hour talking about how gravely important this challenge is to our identities as Americans, you'd think she could put on something a little classier than a skin-tight leopard-print dress, with come-fuck-me stiletto heels. I know this is Vegas, but Jesus. Not everyone needs to work the corner. Once the judges are in the hangar, the servicemen and women arrive. Bryan reiterates (though at this point, he's actually re-re-reiterating) how awesome it is to cook for the troops. YAAAAY, AMERICA!
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The service personnel begin to make their way through the line. Some of them have brought their families along, so there are some children in the mix. Jesse wants to make sure the entire meal is solid, because she's honored to be cooking for the Air Force. YAAAAAY, AMERICA! The judges pick up their plates so we can see the finished products. Mike has made Greek salad with cucumbers, chickpeas, olives, and olive oil-poached shrimp. Laurine and Preeti's aforementioned boring pasta salad includes broccoli, peppers, sun-dried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts. Ron and Jesse's clam chowder also has roasted corn in it, as well as celery, onion, and potato. Robin presents her and Hector's three-bean chicken chili. Kevin and Eli's "Taste of the South" includes Georgia-style pork shoulder and homemade potato salad. Colonel Belote looks delighted with it already, and he hasn't even eaten any. Kevin talks about the members of his family that have served in the military, and how important the challenge is to him and to the rest of us. YAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Mike hands out Michael's braised pork belly in a soy/mustard sauce. Bryan and Mattin's New York strip loin is exactly how I described it before. Jenc keeps the line flowing quickly.
The diners dig in, and everyone seems to love everything. The judges like the New York strip loin very much, and while Padma appreciates the pasta salad for being vegetarian and refreshing, it's not a creative or inspired dish at all. Hector and Robin's chicken chili has very authentic flavors, while Ron and Jesse's chowder is thick, but tasty. The judges question the wisdom of making hot, cream-based soup on a summer day, but don't seem to mind that much. Kevin and Eli's two dishes get rave reviews. Gail calls Michael's pork belly "super-mega-delicious", while Mike's Greek salad has undercooked shrimp. Ash and Ashley's bread pudding is a little dense, but is very satisfying. Jenc did a good job in her supervisory role. That's the most we'll hear about her contribution. Once the diners are fed, the chefs clean up their stations. Eli is confident in how he and Kevin did. Colonel Belote thanks the chefs for all they did for the Air Force, and Robin is happy to have done the country proud. YAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! The servicemen and women give the chefs a cheer. Ron calls the challenge the best experience of his career, because cooking for American troops is something he's always wanted to do. YAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Interstitial. Some of the chefs talk about how nifty the Air Force base is. YAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Judges' Table. During their fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen, the chefs talk about how much the challenge meant to them today. YAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, Eli, and Mike to the table.
LabRat: "AKA 'Talent', 'Talent', 'Talent', and 'Douchebag'."
Padma informs the four of them that although the chefs worked as one team, there can only be one winner. Kevin gets credit for the pork shoulder, which Mark loved. Michael's inventiveness gets really high marks. It soon becomes apparent to the judges that Michael had everything to do with the pork belly, while Mike was in charge of the Greek salad. Weirdly, Eli's potato salad isn't even brought up, despite the fact that it was one of the most popular dishes amongst the judges. Padma asks Mark to announce the challenge winner, and it is... Michael. That racks up one Elimination Challenge win for each of the brothers. Padma asks the guys to send out Preeti and Laurine, and informs Mike that he'll be coming back for losers' table as well. The look on his face, as if someone has just punched him in the stomach, is the highlight of the evening. He's confused and pissed off.
Back in the Kitchen, Michael's win is applauded. Mike tells the others that he'll be going out again, and puts on one of the most unconvincing displays of "Whatever, I don't care" that I've ever seen. Jesse just looks thrilled that she's not the one being raked across the coals for once. Once back at the table, Mike tells the judges that he's mad because he just made the Greek salad because he had time and the overall menu was missing a salad. He doesn't consider that the salad has to be, you know, good, and seems shocked that they expected that. Mark goes on to say that the shrimp was undercooked, and the entire salad was underseasoned. Sound familiar? Once the judges are able to actually get across their point that they have to judge on what he presented them, no matter how unnecessary it was, Mike tries to cover by saying he's angry at himself, rather than them. He swears it won't happen again.
Now, we get to the part of the episode that really lays bare my initial argument: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. Ptom asks Preeti and Laurine whose idea the pasta salad was. For no earthly reason I can think of, he refuses to accept that it was thrown into a team brainstorming session, and so it must be pinned to one of the two of them. To be fair, the pasta salad was uninventive. I've said before that any dish featured on this show that I could whip up without a sweat won't and shouldn't win any points. My problem here is that the judges aren't focusing on poor flavors or lack of creativity. They're focusing on the fact that Laurine and Preeti won't backstab each other. Laurine shoots herself in the foot even more when she says that she was focused on serving the servicemen and women, and completely forgot that she was taking part in a competition. Oof. The judges are predictably pissy with this answer, and continue to attempt to drive a wedge between Preeti and Laurine. They continue to fail. Padma sneers that maybe they'll just eliminate both of them. Sorry they didn't meet the high culinary standards of a woman who practically licks barbecue sauce off of her own caslapas in fast-food commercials, Your Highness.
The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Laurine nails it when she tells the others that all the judges wanted was for them to incriminate each other, but she refuses to do that. She gets a ton of points for that, not only for the sentiment, but for the fact that she was able to express it without resorting to the trite phrase "thrown under the bus". Deliberations. I'm going to skip them, because frankly, they don't mean a damn thing. The food isn't under discussion. What's really being debated is who's too boring to be on television. Laurine and Preeti are normal people who aren't interested in throwing tantrums, while Mike is a love-to-hate-him cockbite. Sure, he committed the exact same culinary sin as Eve, but we can't get rid of him, because then who will we laugh at and deride for the rest of the season?
Elimination. It's Preeti. I actually expected Laurine, but it doesn't really matter. Let's get to her final interview first. She says that she's learned a lot of things, and that to her, what really matters is pleasing the customer, not figuring out some crazy, cool thing she wants to try out on people. She doesn't have any regrets, because the experience just reaffirmed her commitment to what she does. What a healthy attitude. That's why she was doomed, and why it didn't matter whether it was her or Laurine that got eliminated this week, because neither of them was going to win the season. Nor will Jesse. Nor will Ron. Nor will Robin. Hector, Ash, and Mattin have an outside chance, but it's not likely. How can I possibly make such an assertion, when I have such a limited scope of these people's cooking abilities? Because no matter their skills, they're not Reality Show Winner archetypes. Sing it if you know it: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. YAAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Overall Grade: C-
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