Thanksgiving

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 6

Previously on Top Chef: Marcel was an ass to Betty. Gee, that's not from last week. I wonder if Marcel grating on the other chefs' nerves could possibly be a theme tonight. Nah, probably just my imagination. Back up to speed, the chefs paired off to prepare lunch for Jennifer Coolidge and company. Marcel wasn't wild about working with Frank. Nope, Marcel's personality definitely won't come into play tonight. Marisa and Josie cooked together, defended their poor course together, and got eliminated together. Ten turkey-stuffers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Cellblock. Betty notes how quiet the room is without Josie and Marisa. "Especially Josie," Elia says. Hahahaha! Mia was shocked to see someone with Josie's talent sent home. Please, I had plenty of the "Josie's talent" lecture last week. Meanwhile, in the men's room, Ilan is showing Michael a business card of Marcel's that he has come upon. On the back is written "Marcel Vigneron -- The Next Top Chef". Hehe. They both cackle over it, along with a nearby Cliff. Elia interviews that people may not like Marcel, but she doesn't have a problem with him (remember that they used to work together). Marcel interviews that it seems like the other chefs gathered around a dartboard and hit upon him as the random person that they'd hate. Marcel, come on. I'll agree that the chefs seem awfully quick to jump down his throat. But nobody who insufferably introduces themselves with their link to "avant-garde molecular gastronomy", then goes on to gloat over someone's griddle problems and smarmily rejoice when his sauce is chosen as superior gets to act like a wounded puppy when nobody wants to invite him to their birthday party. He says he doesn't really care if the other chefs like him.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma. Mia notes the stack of canned goods on a nearby counter. Carlos is surprised to see Ptom judge a Quickfire, saying that he's been having a better track record with guest judges than with Ptom. That's probably because guests judges actually judge on the food, whereas Ptom likes to judge on passion and credentials. Carlos is self-taught, so Ptom has already decided him unworthy. Just my extremely biased guess. Ptom talks about his part in distributing canned goods to the needy, and tells the chefs that the Quickfire this week will be to make a dish incorporating at least three canned goods. The time limit is only fifteen minutes this time around. Sounds tough. Marcel agrees with me, while Mia says that she's not afraid, because she used to be homeless. Wuzzuh? That came out of nowhere, and was immediately dropped. Odd. Naturally, the winner of the Quickfire will have immunity. Ready? Go!

Everyone attacks the cans. Poor, tiny Betty gets there last and has to poke herself through the wall of humanity to get ingredients. Heh. Michael interviews that there's almost no time to decide what to make. Mad scrambling and can opening is all over the place. Eek, be careful. I'm thinking back to the times I've sliced my hand open on can lids, and they weren't fun. Mia interviews that she was surprised to see people attempting to cook hot food with such a strict limit. Mia herself has gone a safer route by preparing salad. Hysterical chopping. Betty is spazzing all over the place. Mia seems happier and more into this challenge than any before. She bounces up and down excitedly. People add their final garnishes. Time runs out. People put their hands in the air, and Mia jumps up and down. Man, she's in a good mood. It's infectious.

Ptom goes down the line. Cliff has made a tiny little potato salad out of new potatoes, and topped it with grilled anchovies and mandarin oranges. Meh. Betty has made lemon hummus with beets, artichokes, green apples, and topped it with a sage vinaigrette. Sounds pretty good. Ptom raises his eyebrows as he chews, but I can't tell if that's a "Wow, that's good" face or a "Wow, that sucks" face. Sam has also cooked up some anchovies, and made a chickpea/beet salad with a lemon Dijon vinaigrette. Marcel has gone the minimalist route by stuffing some hearts of palm with clams, putting them on a puddle of coconut milk, and setting a few mandarin oranges off to the side. Not impressive. Ptom asks him something about his motives for using coconut, but my eye is caught by someone offscreen throwing something to Frank, who's in the background. Marcel says something about the coconut flavor, and Ptom snidely smacks him down. Mia has made a very pretty salad from garbanzo beans, green beans, artichoke hearts, and has topped it with a little mint. Padma and Ptom approve of the mint use, saying it makes it real difference. Ilan has prepared spinach and cannellini bean salad, roasted potatoes, and Vienna sausages. That's quite a lot. Ilan's totally going to be in the finals. Elia explains that she doesn't have Thanksgiving in Mexico, so she did something more traditional to Christmas. She's made a fruit salad that is topped with some sort of cream sauce that makes it look nasty. Also, there's a beef hash with celery, red pepper, and kidney beans. That looks much better. Carlos has made pasta puttanesca with capers, peas, and deviled ham. An interesting combination. Frank is the only one to have made dessert. He's made a fruit and coconut salad and topped it with a blueberry yogurt cream. Michael has made wrapped baby corn in bacon, and used that, some chili, and chives, and topped mashed potatoes with it. Yet another entry completely devoid of imagination, although I will say that mashed potatoes in fifteen minutes is really impressive.

Ptom says that he feels the judges really embraced the challenge, which is nice. Cliff's food was clean and fresh. Sam's fried anchovies were good. Marcel is told that when you use clams with coconut milk, it has to be ice cold, or it won't taste right. Marcel is perturbed. Elia's two dishes were good, but didn't belong together. Ptom asks Ilan to come stand by him. Mia, Sam, and Cliff are also shifted. Padma asks Ptom who he's selected as the winner. He says that it's Sam. Mia is disappointed. But wait! Mia has also won. She jumps up and down again, and whoops it up. Hehe. Cliff has also won! Elia interviews that she was in shock at that one, saying that she tasted Cliff's dish, and had to spit it out. Ilan has also won! Over in the second group, Betty has a look of pure disgust on her face. Frank has also won! So that means half the chefs are immune from elimination this week. Not only that, but they don't even have to participate in the Elimination Challenge. Only Michael, Marcel, Betty, Elia, and Carlos will be cooking, and one of them will be going home. Sucks to be them. Marcel interviews that he's disappointed, especially since his chance of losing has now doubled.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells them that the challenge will be to create a Thanksgiving dinner, but give it a cutting-edge twist. Carlos astutely interviews that "cutting-edge Thanksgiving dinner" is oxymoronic, because those two things are pretty much diametrically opposed. I agree. This is going to be a tough one. The dinner will be served to the judges and the immune chefs, which Betty's not thrilled with. The chefs can decide what to make and how to present it, and they'll have to work out for themselves who makes what. Padma stresses that they'll be judged on their individual contribution to the meal. They'll be given one hour to start preparing food in the Cellblock kitchens tonight, then four hours tomorrow to finish up. The immune chefs get to take it easy and deliver the rest of the canned goods and some other food to a local shelter. Sam feels bad for the loser chefs. The immune chefs are dismissed.

The remaining five gather to plan the menu. Everyone starts brainstorming. Betty immediately leaps into obnoxious den mother mode. Michael says that he tried to get some ideas in, but was overshadowed by the egos on the team. I have no trouble believing that. He brings up an idea to serve family style, which Marcel disdains as not being cutting-edge in the least. Yeah, I can see where he'd think that, although I'm not sure that the way food is conveyed to the plate and then to the table is really going to make a difference in this particular judging. Michael accepts this, and tries another idea: turducken. Sounds like a good idea to me, except the part where he suggests using it in a lasagna. Betty smacks that idea down, and everyone begins talking at once. Carlos whomps a pepper mill down on the table and suggests making the rule that the one with the mill should be the only one to talk. Don't these people take high school English? Soon Betty will be putting war paint on and bashing Marcel's brain out with a rock.

Speaking of Betty, the pepper mill has scarcely hit the table before she snatches it up. And believe me, "snatch" is the right word. She says they should do a plated soup, plated salad, plated dessert, and the rest family style. Sounds boring. Plus, salad? I realize every family has their own customs, but who needs salad with Thanksgiving, cutting-edge or not? The green beans cover that area. Michael tries to respond to this, and Queen of the Pepper Mill reaches out and covers his mouth with her hand. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd root for Michael to shove his foot up someone's ass, yet here we are. He interviews that she didn't want to hear any criticism or discussion, and that the chefs refuse to give his ideas a chance. And I completely agree with him. Now, Padma specifically said that these people will be judged on their individual contributions. They're not being judged on dinner as a whole. They're not being judged on their teamwork. At this point, if I'm Michael, I'd abandon ship and tell the others that they're welcome to make whatever they like, but here's what I'm doing. Feel free to work around it or not.

Marcel gets the pepper mill and talks about various types of soups with custard at the bottom. Ew. Betty tries to interrupt, and Marcel takes great pleasure in displaying the mill to shut her up. Ha! Man, these people are obnoxious. Elia volunteers to make soup. She interviews that she was completely demotivated after the Quickfire, and can't bring herself to care about the Elimination Challenge. She kids-but-not-really that she's just going to serve a shot of vinegar as the soup. Marcel is concerned that she's going to go kamikaze, and intentionally take herself out of the competition. Can't have that happen to the one person who doesn't see him as a giant douchebag. Betty says she'll handle salad and dessert. Elia thinks she won't be able to handle both, so Betty asks Carlos if he wants to do the salad. His revolted, crinkled face is answer enough, but he agrees. He interviews that keeping his head down in the pack is his strategy for now. Two massive mistakes on Carlos' part. He already knows that Ptom is hunting down those who aren't actively trying to win. Ptom said as much at last week's Judges' Table. And I must again point out that Carlos isn't going to sail by on being Betty's little helper in this challenge, because everyone's being judged individually. All he's going to do is a salad he didn't want to make to begin with? That's just looking for trouble. The chefs start pulling food and dishes to take back to the Cellblock. Elia tells Betty that she can do a mushroom soup, but truly doesn't care about the challenge at this point. Betty doesn't care about Elia's not caring.

Commercials. Any woman who refers to herself in the third person as "Mommy" when her kids aren't around needs to be smacked in the face.

Betty, Carlos, Michael, and Marcel are off to Wild Oats to do some additional food shopping. They have one hour and $400. Elia goes to a fixture shop to buy things like gravy boats. Marcel interviews about the difficulty of putting a cutting-edge twist on the most traditional American holiday. Carlos wanders around for his ingredients. He wants harvest sorts of food like pumpkin seeds and butternut squash. His salad will be the first course. Michael is just throwing a glut of dishes at dinner and hoping something sticks. He'll be preparing turkey and egg canapes, twice-baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, corn with Parmesan cheese, and a cheese platter. I can't see a single cutting-edge thing about any of those dishes. Betty gently bickers with Carlos and Marcel over putting a pumpkin on the table as a centerpiece. Marcel is the only person to truly embrace the challenge so far. He'll be making cranberry gelee with cranberry foam, and a turkey roulade with stuffing. It sounds fairly gross, but at least he's thinking. Betty shops for dessert. She'll be making chai pumpkin creme brulee and chocolate hazelnut creme brulee, which sounds very good, but not very creative. Elia is shopping for plates. She's still stinging over the Quickfire decision, saying that she knows what good and bad food tastes like, so she doesn't even really see the point of cooking for these judges. That sounds snotty, but I get what she's saying. She and the judges have wildly different tastes, so it'll be difficult if not impossible to please them. Filled with obvious ennui, she buys her plates and wanders out.

Meanwhile, the immune chefs are dropping off food at the shelter. Looks like it's not just the canned goods, but some turkeys as well. Good. We hear a little bit more of Mia's story. When she was thirteen, her family had some money problems, and she and her mother wound up homeless for a while. Frank talks about how important it is for the restaurant industry to help the needy, given the opportunity. Especially an opportunity in which the money for the food isn't coming out of your pocket, eh, Frank? I'm kidding, and I don't know what these people do in their spare time as far as giving to charity, but the show is playing them up as magnanimous do-gooders, when they're simply taking food that someone else purchased to a shelter at someone else's direction. They're probably lovely, giving people in their private time, but this was a lazy attempt at making them appear benevolent.

Cellblock. The non-immune chefs bring their supplies in. Betty is glad that the women's kitchen was cleaned recently. She suggests that Marcel and Michael work in the men's kitchen, and they're only too glad to get away from her. The men's room looks like... Well, a men's room. There's dirty clothing lying all over the place. The kitchen is cluttered with people's toiletries. Eeeeew. This doesn't look the least bit sanitary. Marcel interviews that he had to burn through 15 minutes of the prep time (which, if he's not exaggerating, is a sizable chunk) just getting the kitchen useable. He puts the toiletries in the corner, and there's a shot of someone's Dopp kit on the floor with a toothbrush sticking out of it (bristles up). He and Michael finally get to work. In the other kitchen, Betty, Elia, and Carlos are rehashing the Quickfire, saying that they've been in pissy moods since then. Elia, in particular, is still upset. She starts to get slap-happy. She's beating some melted chocolate with a wire whisk, and after saying she's been told never to lick said whisk, does just that with an enormous tongue flourish. Heh. She's not done. She wraps her hair up in a towel and gives herself a chocolate moustache. Carlos and Betty crack up as Elia completely loses it, smearing chocolate all over the front of her chef's coat and on her face. Betty approaches, and gets chocolate smeared all over her face, too. Then they both attack Carlos until he has a chocolate face, too. Hehe. That lightened the mood, not to mention making them look like some awful ripoff of the Supremes. In the men's loft, there's much more serious cooking going on. Marcel works on his cranberry gelee. He pours some liquid into a muffin tin, and is surprised that the full cranberries already in there start to float. A tip for someone who prides himself on "molecular gastronomy". Learn the basic laws of physics. Time runs out.

Communal loft. I guess that's some sort of middle living room/dining room between the kitchen/bedrooms. Man, these apartments are ugly and poorly-planned. God only knows where the bathrooms are. Cliff and Ilan snooze. Mia and Sam talk. Frank interviews that he thinks the non-immune chefs will have some animosity towards the immune ones. Well, I certainly wouldn't want the chefs to be all immature about it. Frank himself would certainly never resort to something that makes him sound like a fifth-grade bully. Marcel comes in and tells the group (Frank, do me a favor and button your shirt) that he moved the toiletries in the men's loft out of the way so he could, you know, COOK. Well, he actually says that he "threw it on the floor", which was unwise. Sam interviews that Marcel is hard to work with and considers himself a cut above everyone else. I'd be inclined to agree, but that really has nothing to do with him moving people's deodorant. Sam gleefully starts shit up by telling Frank that if Marcel threw his things on the floor... He doesn't even finish, but shakes his head ominously. Gee, Sam is really good at engineering trouble, yet acting as if all the petty drama is beneath him. Asshole. Now whipped up in righteous anger, Frank walks down the hall to the men's loft. He interviews that yes, his toothbrush was indeed on the floor. Apparently, they're hoping that the entire viewing audience has been struck blind, because they show a shot of it, and it's not. It's in a bag, head up, which is no more or less sanitary than sitting out on a counter somewhere. Frank comes back to the communal loft, gets up in Marcel's face, and says, verbatim: "If you ever touch anything personal of mine, I will beat you so bad, that your mother will not recognize you. That wasn't cool." Marcel's eyes widen, and he looks over at Michael, like, "Huh? What the fuck?". He says he thought he put Frank's toothbrush in the toiletry bag, which he did.

Gah! Where is this vitriol coming from? OK, I'll grant that Marcel can be a smug, annoying, condescending, pretentious twit. But this attack on him is completely unwarranted. First of all, and I feel silly for having to point this out three times, but since Frank and the Bravo producers seem to have missed it: THE TOOTHBRUSH WAS NOT ON THE FLOOR. Not. On the floor. Here is the floor. Here is the toothbrush. They are not in contact. Maybe someone could argue that this is an edited show, so Marcel may have tossed it on the floor, and it only made it back to the Dopp kit later, but the cameras would have caught that, and the producers would have liked nothing more than to show it. Secondly, "not cool", Frank? Here's what's not cool. Leaving your bathroom shit sitting around in the kitchen. What was Marcel supposed to do? Cook around it? Walk someone else's brush to the bathroom, when even the owner can't be bothered? As I said here (and check out Frank's lame pseudo-apology, in which he refers to himself in the third person as "The Bull" -- snerk), even if Marcel took the toothbrush, threw it down, and did a Mexican hat dance on it, Frank has no right to take the moral high ground here. And finally, even if Marcel is completely in the wrong, and Frank completely in the right about the toothbrush, his empty threats are just pathetic. Pathetic and laughable. "You messed with my toothbrush, so I'm gonna pound you" is something you'd say in junior high. And even then, you'd be a tool for saying so. In summary, shut the fuck up, Frank.

Commercials. Is Kristen Davis just going to play "the normal wife" roles from now on? Because I like her and wish she'd do something more interesting.

Morning. The non-immune chefs have four hours to get the food ready. Betty tells Carlos and Elia that she's trying to put the fact that this is an Elimination Challenge out of her mind. Carlos suggests going around the table and talking about what they're thankful for. Ugh, no thanks, Dad. Elia becomes my hero by just opening her mouth and showing off her partially-chewed food. She reiterates that she's not into this challenge, and yeah. We get it now, producers. She cracks that she's thankful that Ptom is her judge, and rolls her eyes. Awesome. In the men's loft, Marcel and Michael are very focused on their work. Marcel even has a to-do list taped up on the cabinet. In the women's loft, Carlos says he's dedicating his four hours to working on the salad. Is this a special salad in some way? Will it wash my car or balance my checkbook? I just cannot fathom how any salad could possibly take that long. Elia makes her soup. Betty has trouble getting her dessert to have the right consistency.

The immune chefs go out for breakfast and naturally talk about what they think is going on back at the Cellblock. Ilan wonders if they're working as a group, but Mia thinks Marcel separated himself and is just doing what he wants. Ilan thinks that working individually may work to Marcel's advantage, but Mia says that some level of camaraderie is necessary, or the whole meal will be a disaster. Back at the Cellblock, Ptom stops by to check on the chefs. Elia, still fixated on the Quickfire, asks him what he liked about Cliff's dish. He says that he liked it, but Elia and Carlos persist in asking what about it was good. Elia tells him that she didn't understand the decision, and was demotivated by it. Ptom gets a look like "And that's my problem...why?", but says that Cliff had a good flavor and used his ingredients well. Elia interviews that she realizes that Ptom is being straightforward with her, and it's just that she and he have completely different palates. This is what Elia needs to finally get over herself and concentrate on the challenge. Good for her, although it probably would have been more mature to threaten to pound Ptom's face until his mother couldn't recognize him. Fuck honest communication! Empty threats of physical violence is how you get stuff done!

Cooking montage. There's a shot of Carlos at the table, doing absolutely nothing. Marcel interviews that he's the only one who conceptually understood the challenge, and much as I hate a braggart, he's right. Carlos stands around poking food. He's pretty confident, though I can't imagine why. He says that it's not his best effort, but at least was better than Michael's side dishes, which do look a bit sad. Michael interviews that Carlos is setting himself up to go home by just doing a salad. Another shot of Carlos sitting around. Yeah, that salad was probably done three hours and forty minutes ago. Dinner approaches. Betty is wearing a tan hat and a spangly, gold tank top. Oof. Betty, no. Ptom brings in this week's guest judge, Anthony Bourdain, whom I've certainly heard of, but I've never read his stuff. The chefs are awed. Michael likes that Anthony straight-out tells people that their food sucks, only hoping that he himself isn't awarded that dubious honor. They begin to plate up as the judges and immune chefs get seated for dinner. The immune chefs are thrilled to see Anthony, especially since they don't have to cook for him. Heh, no kidding. Anthony says he's looking forward to smashing someone's dreams and ambitions.

Michael serves the amuse-bouche, the turkey and egg toast canapes, which look good. The diners seem to enjoy them. Carlos plates and serves his salad. It's got chipotle peppers, queso fresco, pumpkin seeds, and a butternut squash dressing. Frankly, it doesn't even look as good as the salad Mia whipped up in fifteen minutes. Frank finds the salad bland. Ptom thinks it's unimpressive, and says that the onions in it are burnt. He doesn't understand what went into this at all. Anthony finds it unattractive. Elia nervously gets her soup ready. It's a mushroom creme soup, with two kinds of mushrooms, garnished with walnuts. I don't like mushrooms or walnuts, so I'm probably not the best judge of how good it looks or would taste. Once she's gone, everyone compliments the flavor. Marcel presents his turkey roulade. The outer ring is breast meat, the middle layer is thigh meat, and the center is stuffing. He has also made that cranberry gelee with a cranberry foam on top. Since Marcel made it, you know it could taste like orgasms on toast, and none of the other chefs would admit it. Sam finds it dry. Ilan thinks there's too much cranberry in the gelee. Cliff says it was too hard. Frank yells (yes, yells) that it's a mirror image of everything else Marcel's done in the competition, and that he "can't stand the little punk". Dude, fucking chill out. At least the judges know that there's no way Frank can form a semblance of an objective opinion now. That's helpful. Indeed, the judges say the roulade may be dry, but meets the challenge's parameters of being cutting-edge. Frank looks pissed.

Michael serves his potatoes. There are twice-baked potatoes with shrimp and parsnip mashed potatoes with corn and Parmesan. Yawn. The diners are like "Um. Two potatoes. Great." Anthony is severely unimpressed. Mia says she likes the twice-baked potato better than the dry turkey roulade, because an opportunity to slam Marcel should never pass by. Betty is in the back getting her dessert ready to go. Marcel is done with his work, and asks if he can help her. She has him torch some of the brulee, but the crystallized ginger that Betty's put on top burns very rapidly. Keep in mind that this also happens on the ones that Betty torches herself. They scrape the ginger off. Betty serves dessert, which is her two kinds of creme brulee and a shot of coffee. She leaves. Mia doesn't enjoy it. Ptom says that custard with sugar on top is not creme brulee. Anthony calls the entire meal a "failure of the imagination", and doesn't see where the four hours were spent. Michael comes out with the cheese platter, which includes Applewood cheddar, Gouda, Port-Salut, Parmesan, and Brie. Now, I loves me some cheese, and that sounds very good. That said, dessert should be the last thing served, not this. And cutting hunks of cheese and tossing them onto plates can't really be classified as "cooking" or even "making" anything. Gail doesn't understand why they're getting this now. Anthony said that the challenge was to stretch boundaries and push the envelope, indicating that serving bits of cheese is pretty much the opposite of that. Agreed.

Commercials. Movie, schmovie. I'd certainly be willing to get behind shipping Cameron Diaz off to England and getting Kate Winslet in return.

Judges' Table. Anthony says that nobody took a chance and really stepped up, even though he said the exact opposite thing about Marcel during dinner. Ptom finds the chefs' response to the challenge disappointing, singling out Carlos' salad. It was lame and pedestrian. Elia's soup was delicious and well-textured. She may not have excelled at being cutting-edge, but at least made something tasty. The judges say that Marcel's roulade needs to be given some credit for being adventurous. It would have been perfect if he had basted it with some fat, and Gail enjoyed the cranberry gelee. Betty's dessert was a disaster. It was "pumpkin pie filling with burnt sugar on top". Michael's dishes were shockingly inappropriate, but at least the potatoes tasted good. Gail enjoyed the canape and the cheese was good, so he has a few things going for him. Anthony says he's like Betty Crocker and Charles Manson had a love child, which makes no sense, but it looks like Anthony's main concern is coming off as acidly witty, so I've sort of stopped listening to him. The chefs are called out to the table.

Gail asks if there was a leader. Michael says that he tried to contribute ideas, but they were shot down. Padma asks what those ideas were. He brings up the turducken lasagna. Ptom asks why he didn't do it, and Michael repeats that the idea was shot down by three people. Gail says that everyone liked the canape, and Padma says that he's redeemed himself from his disaster in the amuse-bouche challenge. He's then taken to task for ignoring the cutting-edge aspect of the challenge. He says that putting shrimp in the potato was his version of a twist, and Anthony says that it had "Flinstonian execution", but was the single most enjoyable bite of the meal. Carlos is asked why he chose to do salad. He says he didn't choose it, but everyone else was "straying from" it, so he stepped up. Why do a salad at all? Carlos agrees that he didn't have to do it, but was proud of what he did. He spins off into an annoying tangent about what we should all be thankful for. I think he smells what's coming. Ptom asks what he spent four hours on. There was one hour for roasting squash and then he chopped some stuff for Michael and Marcel. And? Ptom tries to rephrase the question, since it clearly wouldn't take that long to do what Carlos has outlined, and Carlos gets snippy, resenting that the judges would imply that he was sitting around on his butt. Ptom just says that he asked what Carlos had spent four hours on. For once, no accusations were leveled; he just didn't get a satisfactory response. Plus, Carlos? We saw the footage. You were sitting around on your butt.

Marcel thinks his dish was good conceptually, but fell short on execution. He says that given the chance, he'd do the roulade at a lower temperature, but couldn't cook it to perfection because he didn't have a... Hold on. A thermal emersion circulator. Oh, those! Yeah, no kitchen should be without one. See, this is why nobody likes Marcel. The other chefs roll their eyes. Ptom nails him for just making excuses, but agrees that his dish was further along conceptually than other people's. Elia likes mushroom soup, and was happy with the way it turned out. Betty admits that her brulee could have been a lot better. Gail asks why. Betty says that she elicited the help of others, and should have done everything herself. Wait, what? Is she implying her dessert sucked because Marcel ruined it? Because if all he did was torch a few of them, and encountered the same problem Betty herself did, then she's full of shit. Ptom calls her on making pie filling with sugar on top. Betty starts to lose her composure. Anthony asks her how her dessert was cutting-edge (man, am I sick of that phrase). She says that it's not her style; she tends to focus on comfort food. Ptom tells the chefs that the only dishes to really stand out were Elia's soup and Marcel's roulade. Anthony gets to pick the winner, and he selects Elia. Marcel took the challenge seriously, but Elia's was just plain better and more "sensible". How someone is awarded the win for being "sensible" in a cutting-edge challenge is beyond me, but I like Elia, so whatever.

Now, on to the losers. Ptom asks Betty who should be eliminated, if not her. She doesn't want to play that game, but Anthony tells her she has to make those kinds of decisions in any kind of leadership position. Michael takes the pressure off of her by volunteering to go first. He says he worked his ass off on his dishes, so Carlos should go for spending four hours on a salad. Carlos answers next, by saying that Betty's creme brulee was "a little bit lacking". Now, Betty can't wait to answer. She yells (yes, yells) "Carlos is out! Gone!" OK, settle down. Don't make us get the tranquilizer darts. She's asked why, and says that Carlos had the weakest dish, then spins off into saying that since she doesn't like Marcel's personality, he should be the one to go. If Carlos' dish wasn't so weak. But it was. So Carlos should go. Bitch crazy. The chefs are dismissed.

They go back to the Kitchen, and Betty says, with faux-cheerfullness "Carlos threw me under the bus again!". Tally mark! Again? When did he sell her out before? Also, "Betty's dish sucked donkey balls and even the merest taste of it made me want to projectile vomit until I passed out" is throwing her under the bus. "Betty's creme brulee was a little bit lacking" is not. Also, also, how can she complain about someone throwing her under the bus if she was going to turn around and do the same to him? It's not like she can play the martyr. Bitch crazy. They ask Betty what she said, and she says she chose Marcel, which she didn't, really. Bitch crazy. She says it's because she's still not a fan of his "tactics" and that he's selfish. Marcel is angry with the "selfish" charge, since he offered to help Betty with her cooking, and she's never offered to help him. They have a pointless mini-fight about when Betty has helped or not helped him in the past. He asks her if she offered to help him in this challenge, and she gears up for a long-winded answer. He points out that it's a yes-or-no question, and she screams at the top of her lungs "NO, IT'S NOT A YES-OR-NO QUESTION; IT'S AN EXPLANATION! SO SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND IF YOU'RE ASKING ME A QUESTION LET ME TELL YOU THE ANSWER!". All the other chefs are watching this with glee. Marcel reiterates that he helped her with her brulee, and she says she wishes he didn't, since they wound up sucking. Yeah, the fact that you don't know how to cook creme brulee is totally Marcel's fault. Bitch crazy. Marcel finally loses his facade of not caring, calls Betty a bitch, and hopes she gets punted.

Deliberations. Michael's food was inexplicable, but he seemed to believe in it. Carlos made no effort. Betty may believe that what she did was the best she could do. If that's the case, she may not belong here. You go, Gail. Ptom thinks "I do comfort food" is a poor excuse. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Two dumbasses take time away from a wedding to debate the merits of Animal House vs. Caddyshack. Hey, maybe this is the video from Michael's ceremony.

Elimination. The three bottom chefs come back to the table. None of them did anything cutting-edge, and their dishes weren't good. I thought they said Michael's food was good, just inappropriate? Stop waffling, judges. Michael ignored the challenge. Ptom tells Carlos that he gets the sense that Carlos isn't trying to win; just trying not to lose. Point to Ptom. Well spotted, sir. Betty needs to stretch her boundaries and not make excuses. And the loser is... Carlos, please pack your knives and go. And while he seems like an extremely likable person, I'm all for this. That salad was laughable. The chefs are dismissed. Anthony tells Michael to focus. Carlos says good-bye to the chefs, telling Cliff to "break an egg". Heh, I like that. In his final interview, Carlos says he's surprised he didn't get further, and that he had a few more tricks up his sleeve. He says he came for his Top Chef diploma, and didn't graduate, but got an education. Oof, more platitudes. My dad would love this guy.

Overall Grade: C+

Lookin' Like a Blue-Haired Lady on a Sunday Drive

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 10

Previously on The Amazing Race: Five teams left Madagascar for Helsinki, Finland. RoKi narrowly missed a train, which has not stopped haunting them since. They joined the Underdogs in running around madly, while James and Tyler were first to the clue that gave them the bad news that this is one of those boring double-legs. Five teams still remain. Someone had better be eliminated next.

Opening credits. Aw, poor Erwin has noticeably more trouble lifting the weight than Godwin. This is why it's helpful for siblings to cultivate separate interests.

Helsinki, Finland. We revisit a bit of the previous leg as James finishes his rappel. He and Tyler are not pleased that they have to keep on racing. The clue is another actual clue. Yay! It tells them to fly to the capital city of the country where the Chernobyl nuclear disaster occurred. Phil lets us in on the fact that this means that the teams need to head for Kiev, in the Ukraine. Once teams get there, the next clue will be in a marked car in the airport parking lot. James and Tyler kid about getting a third eye from hanging out in a nuclear zone. Hey, that can only help your depth perception. The remaining teams still have to do the rappel. KanDustin is already at the top of the tower, and there are two other rappel lines which are first come, first served. Kandice makes her way down. She stumbles, and falls sideways onto her ass on the building. She does not scream or cry or freak out or whine or yell at Dustin or curse the heavens, but keeps on going. This is why, despite KanDustin's unfortunate tendency to be a bit...tin-eared and smug, I'm totally rooting for them to win this race. James and Tyler head for the airport.

The Underdogs and RoKi stream into the tower and get their rappel clue. Kandice finishes, and Dustin gets started, despite being terrified. The lagging teams have somehow interpreted "go to the top of the tower" to mean "run out into the stadium". Lyn and Karlyn abandon the others and go look elsewhere, so they're the first to find the elevator. Dustin makes progress. RoKi and Erwin/Godwin find the elevator, but it's so small that there's only room for one team in there. RoKi gets to it first. Dustin finishes the rappel, and they get their clue. They seem perfectly cheerful and content to keep on racing. They discuss Chernobyl, and one of them says that she knows it's where the atomic bomb went off. This gets a Gong Noise of Idiocy. I mean, yeah, that's not what happened at all, but it's not that far off, especially when she's in hysterical race mode. Dustin interviews that they have a love/hate thing going with James and Tyler, but can't afford to just hang out with them; they need to concentrate on getting ahead.

Karlyn starts the rappel. Kimberly starts as Karlyn is about halfway down. Assume that everyone is scared to death during this task. Erwin and Godwin can't even get started yet. Karlyn finishes. Godwin implores Erwin to go first. Kimberly makes progress as Rob yells unhelpful encouragement down. Well, maybe it's helpful to her, but someone yelling at me (even encouragingly) while I'm trying to carefully do something I'm really scared of would drive me bonkers. Lyn frets about getting started. Erwin makes a couple of false starts, but has trouble forcing himself off the edge. The lead teams make it to the airport. Erwin finally gets going, but Lyn hasn't worked up the courage yet. Erwin's feet come off the wall, his body spins around, and his helmet crashes into the wall. He actually slides down a few feet like this, his helmet making a horrible scraping noise. Yikes. Kimberly makes it down. Erwin makes it down. Lyn finally gets started. Rob gets started. He's the only one who doesn't appear a bit fazed by the rappel. Lyn makes it down, so she and Karlyn get their clue. Lyn mentions Erwin and Godwin, but Karlyn's not worried about them, and they take off. Underdogs' Law. Karlyn says that they'll share information, but not stand around waiting for each other. Rob finishes just as Godwin gets started. RoKi gets the clue and bolts, hoping that all the teams will be tied at the airport. Rob is pretty convinced Chernobyl happened in Russia, which was my initial reaction, too. But the USSR has been very busy falling apart since Chernobyl. Nothing against Rob jumping to that conclusion, of course, but it would still be pretty funny to see RoKi wind up in Moscow. Godwin freaks a bit as he nears the ground, but he eventually makes it. His voice shakes as he reads the clue, and also tells us that teams are getting $65 for the leg. They realize Lyn and Karlyn have left them, and head for the airport.

Tyler and James wander the airport, looking for an open counter. They find a travel agency, and tell the agent they need to fly to Chernobyl, which would be like telling a travel agent that you need to fly to Big Ben. The agent's like "Huh?", but soon realizes what Tyler and James want, telling them they need to go to Kiev. There are no more flights today (it's almost 9:30 PM during this scene), but she can get them on the first available flight in the morning at 8:25. Tyler and James are mad that their lead is evaporating. KanDustin arrives, and gets the same information, also learning that the flight connects through Vienna. Both teams book tickets. Tyler/James and KanDustin have lately been thrown together a lot, and have formed a sort of pseudo-alliance, so to save time, the four of them together will be called the Prom Court. Lyn and Karlyn have stopped for directions, so RoKi is next to the airport. The agencies are closing, but they beg the same agent that helped James and Tyler to help them. They work out that they're going to Kiev, but the 8:25 flight is sold out, so they need tickets on a 9:25 AM flight connecting through Warsaw. You'd think if the agent would hang around and look up flight info for RoKi, she'd just go ahead and also book tickets for them, but no. She tells them to come back at 6:00 AM. The Underdogs catch up and get the same news.

Morning. RoKi and the Underdogs (which would be a pretty good name for a band) get their tickets, which will put them into Kiev at 1:35 PM. RoKi meets up with James and Tyler and finds out that the two flights are scheduled to get into Kiev at the exact same time. KanDustin and the Chos (nah, not as good of a band name) discover the same thing. KanDustin mentions that flights can get delayed. The Prom Court boards their plane to Vienna, and an hour later, the rest of the teams take off for Warsaw. And lo and behold, their flight from Warsaw to Kiev is delayed by a half hour. Ouch.

Kiev, Ukraine. The flight from Vienna lands on time. KanDustin heads for a marked car that reminds Dustin of her first car. Tyler and James wonder where the other teams are. They rip the clue, which tells them to drive to the Oster Tank School, giving a specific address. Except that the address is in the Cyrillic alphabet. Sweet! My two semesters of Russian will be so helpful in this episode, except not at all. The Prom Court goes to get their clue translated. KanDustin hires a taxi driver to lead them to the tank school. Tyler and James ask if they can follow, saying they'll split the cab fare with KanDustin. Sounds fair to everyone involved, and they're off. Tyler and James hope for a first place finish, while KanDustin is busy singing the Ukrainian Bell Carol in their car. The second flight lands. RoKi makes it out of the airport first, and also hires a cab to lead them to the tank school. The Underdogs see them leave as they emerge, but Erwin gets directions from a nearby cop, figuring that they can navigate their own way there. They agree to let Lyn and Karlyn follow them. In the least surprising development ever, the Underdogs are soon lost. They pull over to try and find someone to lead them to the tank school, which they should have done to begin with. Karlyn is angry, of course. Lady, either find your own way there or accept the consequences of following someone who may not know where they're going. Erwin and Godwin can't find anyone to help. Lyn and Karlyn sit in their cab carping about how frustrating the situation is. Note that they're not getting out to assist or ask anyone themselves, because that would involve doing their own work. Can't have that!

Commercials. Have an electronic pen do all your math homework for you. That'll totally help you pass the test when forced to use, you know, your brain.

Having wasted a bunch of time, the Underdogs finally find a cab driver to lead them to the tank school. The Prom Court reaches the school, and rips the clue. Roadblock! "Who's ready to take command?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must drive a Soviet tank through a 1.2 mile obstacle course used in simulated battle. Oof, I'd be terrible at this. Dustin and James take it on. They hop into the tiny little driver's seat, and get instructions on how to drive. Meanwhile, Rob loses control of his car for about one and a half seconds. Kimberly tells him he'll get the hang of it. He begins to get spazzy. She calms him down. That was the entire scene. Dustin and James get started, and have tons of fun tearing up the road in their tanks. Simulated bullets and explosions are going off all around them. James gets stuck on a hill, and Dustin passes him, actually cutting him off (although probably by accident -- it's not like tanks are the most maneuverable vehicles out there). RoKi bickers some more. James can't control the brake on his tank, and he crashes into Dustin. She doesn't even notice. Heh. There's a small dip into a mud puddle, and she takes it slowly. James plows right in, with the result that the muddy water flies up and soaks him. Dustin finishes first, and isn't even dirty. Hehehe. The Prom Court rips the clue at the same time. It tells them to drive back to Kiev, and find a specific apartment in a specific apartment building.

On their way out, they pass RoKi, and Tyler and James point the way to go. KanDustin wonders why they'd bother doing that. Kimberly's glad that they're caught up to the lead teams. I wouldn't really call being a full task behind "caught up", but whatever makes her happy, I guess. Tyler and James gloat over the Underdogs being behind, Tyler saying that Erwin and Godwin, who are supposedly so smart, haven't made it out, and that "book smarts doesn't get you where you think it will" in this race. That gloat would have been more powerful if the subject and verb agreed, but maybe he's just trying to prove his point. The Underdogs are stopping for more directions. I thought they had a cab to lead them? Karlyn says that the Chos tend to be indecisive, stopping every five minutes to make sure they're going the right way. Now, as I've said before, Lyn and Karlyn don't really get to make another team do all the work, then complain about the quality of the help. That said, being in their position, of following someone who can't just GO ALREADY, would drive me batshit, too.

RoKi gets the Roadblock clue. Kimberly takes it, and Rob asks the taxi driver to hang out for a little while. Rob wishes he could take the Roadblock, but says they have to be smart about how to divide up the tasks. Plus, driving a tank could help Kimberly work out some aggression. Wise move. Lyn and Karlyn spot marked arrows, so they lead Erwin and Godwin towards the tank school. Rob pines for the fun that Kimberly must be having. He interviews (during which she's sitting beside him) that she's become a superhuman creature from outer space, which makes her crack up. Aw, I like when they get along. She finishes bone dry, without a speck of dirt on her. RoKi runs back to the car, and arranges to follow the taxi driver back to Kiev. The Underdogs reach the cluebox. Lyn and Godwin take the Roadblock. They get started. The Prom Court finds someone willing to lead them to the apartment building. Godwin gets soaked. Lyn becomes stymied. Godwin finishes first, and they stay to wait for Lyn and Karlyn. Duuuuuuumb. Erwin tells the camera that maybe by sticking together, they'll get to the route marker more quickly. Yeah, because sticking together helped so much on the way here! Lyn finishes. Karlyn wonders why the Chos waited, saying she wouldn't expect them to. In the car, Karlyn asks why Lyn didn't get wet, and Lyn responds that she was scooted up really far, giving us the titular quote.

The Prom Court's guide goes through a light that turns red. KanDustin runs the light, hoping to leave James and Tyler behind. No such luck, as James and Tyler run the light right along with them. RoKi's car begins to smoke. Uh, oh. What is it with them and cars? They pull over and Rob and the cab driver take a look at the smoking engine. Not a good sign. The Underdogs begin to catch up. Rob sings a chorus of Poor Us, We're Out of It, which he pretty much does every single week now. Shut up, Rob.

Commercials. Can ghosts really get the flu?

The Underdogs drive. Lyn and Karlyn carp about Godwin driving slowly, and again, do your own work, and again, I sort of feel them on it. They pull over to get directions. Lyn and Karlyn fume some more. This will occur about sixty kabillion times. RoKi gets a replacement car, and we hear about the no-time-credit rule again. They get going. They're lucky the cab driver stuck with them through all of that. The Underdogs get going again. Rob immediately has trouble with his clutch, so maybe it's not that cars have it in for RoKi; he just sucks at stick shift. The Prom Court arrives at the apartment building. They thank the guide and run in. Both teams get the clue at about the same time. Detour! Make the Music or Find the Music. In Make the Music, teams have to travel three miles to a hip hop club. Once there, they have to write a rap song that incorporates the names of all of the countries they've visited. After performing it for a crowd, the top rap artist of Kiev (hehe) will give them their next clue. In Find the Music, teams go 2.5 miles to the National Music Academy. Once there, they have to search through several stacks of sheet music to find the piano part to Tchaikovsky's Concert Fantasy. Then they must search the conservatory for one of the pianists awaiting music. Once the musician plays the music, they'll hand over the next clue.

Good Detour! The Prom Court finally splits apart, as KanDustin heads for Make the Music, and Tyler and James head for Find the Music. Underdogs. Stop. Directions. Fuming. KanDustin looks for someone young and hip to ask for directions to the hip hop club. The lady they approach knows exactly where it is. The Prom Court arrives at their Detour destinations at about the same time. KanDustin is pointed towards a pile of clothing, and there's an honest-to-God dollar sign bling necklace on the pile. Hehehe. Tyler and James have costumes of their own, as they are told to get dressed in tuxedos. KanDustin settles down with their Fresh Prince of Bel Air clothing and begins to write their rap. Tyler and James begin to look through the sheet music (after telling each other how sexy they look, of course). RoKi finds the apartment. I guess their car breakdown didn't take too long. They head for Make the Music. What's funny is that as they leave, Kimberly says, with dead seriousness, "Babe, I wanna go ask these people, cause they look hip." Hah! Indeed, it is a very happening couple. Underdogs. Stop. Directions. Fuming. Lyn and Karlyn have had enough. They break off, and head out on their own. And with that, the Underdog Alliance is officially dead.

Commercials. People go online to find videos that they're interested in. But they don't show anyone looking for the videos they really want to see. You know the ones I mean.

Erwin and Godwin decide to follow Lyn and Karlyn. I really have no idea why, because it's not like they have any different directions. James finds the sheet music, and they begin searching practice rooms. KanDustin finishes writing their rap. James and Tyler find one of the waiting pianists. KanDustin begins performing their rap, and this is funniest task I've ever seen on this show. The pianist plays. KanDustin raps. A sample lyric: "Kuwait. Heat. And we carried some bags. By the time it was over, we looked like hags." Hahahaha! More intercuts between them cutting loose at the club, and James and Tyler rocking out with their pianist. It appears that the Prom Court gets their clues at the same time. It directs them to the pitstop, the Great Patriotic War Museum, only a couple of miles away. It's a very cool-looking park, with several impressive statues celebrating victory in World War II. Both teams have to get changed before leaving, and we end the scene on a hilarious shot of a bouncer, apparently keeping the troublemakers out of a club preset with people in the middle of the day.

In the car on the way to the club, Kimberly works on the rap. She doesn't much care what it says as long as it rhymes. Erwin and Godwin stick behind Lyn and Karlyn, and Karlyn says something about how the Chos need to learn how to run their own race. That would be jaw-droppingly asinine if I thought she really said that here. But it sounded like that quote was imported from another interview, so I'm inclined to let it go. The Prom Court heads for the pitstop. The hip-happenin' couple leads RoKi to the club. Thanks, cute couple! The Underdogs pull up to the apartment building, and get the clue at the same time. They both want to do Make the Music. Speaking of which, RoKi is dressed up in their tragic hip hop clothing, busting their rap out. It's actually not bad. Lyn arranges to follow someone to the club. Erwin and Godwin, who have been standing around this whole time, refuse to follow them, saying they have "too much pride" to stoop to such a tactic. RoKi finishes, gets their clue, changes, and runs back out, where the cute couple is patiently waiting. They agree to ride with RoKi and show them the way.

The Prom Court approaches the pitstop. And coming into the mat first is... James and Tyler. Welcome, you are team number one. The greeter is awesome, by the way. They celebrate, and win a trip to Mexico. Karlyn finishes her rap in the car. She's quite pleased with it, only hoping that they don't come off looking like complete idiots. You'll never guess where Erwin and Godwin are. They're lost. Yep, I'm shocked too. KanDustin checks in as team number two. Phil reminds them that an all-female team has never won the race. Dustin says that nothing will stop them. Here's hoping. Erwin and Godwin give up on finding the club, and ask where the conservatory is. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the club. RoKi checks in as team number three. They're relieved. Erwin and Godwin get dressed in their tuxedos. Lyn and Karlyn emerge in their hilarious rap clothes. Lyn even does the Too Cool For School head bobble. Awesome. They have a ball with their rap, and they're fun to watch when they're actually enjoying the race, rather than pissing and moaning about everything. Erwin and Godwin find sheet music. Lyn and Karlyn rap. Erwin and Godwin look for a pianist. Lyn and Karlyn rap. The crowd is eating it up. Erwin and Godwin find someone to play the piece. Lyn and Karlyn finish up and get their clue. It appears that the Underdogs get their clue at about the same time, but I think that's an editing trick.

Lyn and Karlyn find someone to lead them to the pitstop. Erwin and Godwin just take off driving, because that works so well for them. Karlyn says that she hates to say it, but hopes that Erwin and Godwin are lost. Well, they're worse than lost. They have driven onto a street that's closed off to traffic for pedestrians. That's not something any local law enforcement is going to take lightly, and the Kiev police are no exception. They get pulled over, and are asked to get out of the car. Lyn and Karlyn drive. Erwin and Godwin are asked to show their documents. Well, that's that, unless Lyn and Karlyn are hit by a meteor. They're not, and they check in as team number four. Erwin and Godwin are free to go. The sun sets. They arrive at the pitstop, step onto the mat, and are eliminated. In their final interview, they say they have no regrets with the way they ran the race. They know they probably made a lot of mistakes, but wanted to play in such a way that they could wake up the next morning and still feel good about themselves. That's very sweet. And I feel that they've accomplished that. I happen to think that they could have played a lot better, and still not have compromised their integrity, but they seem like good eggs.

Next week on The Amazing Race: James freaks out during a chaotic chariot ride. The hated Yield makes an appearance, and if Lyn and Karlyn are able to Yield KanDustin right out of the competition, I will be apoplectic.

Overall Grade: B+

The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot in Her Mouth

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 10

Yawn. OK, so. CariDee really, really wants to be a model, whereas Michelle isn't sure she has the passion and drive. Tyra Oprahs some shit about how she'll show her great love for the girls by...ripping them to shreds. Aw, that's so sweet! The girls head out for their go-sees, which are pretty much identical to the go-see segment in every other season, ever. Someone's always got to be late getting back, and this time around it's Amanda and Michelle, who are disqualified. Melrose deservedly wins another challenge, even though her "strategy" of "working alone" really works out to "nobody likes me".

The photo shoot is photographed by Nigel. The girls are dressed as matadors and have to pose in front of a live, angry bull. CariDee makes a stupid remark about Nigel needing to take a stick out of his ass, and spends the rest of the episode getting smacked down for it, with good reason. Eugena shines in her photo, and Melrose looks quite good as well. The twins are mostly boring, and CariDee is back to looking developmentally disabled. At panel, the girls are asked who has the most and least potential, and their answers are refreshingly direct without being needlessly bitchy. Michelle selects herself for possibly having the least potential, not sure if she's really passionate about modeling. CariDee reads an apology letter to the judges that is so embarrassingly cutesy that I couldn't look at the screen. The twins wind up in the bottom two, and the judges punt Michelle for lacking the drive needed to succeed.

Social Service

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: Zzzzzzz. Twelve lemon-suckers still remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Cellblock. Chefs are rehashing the shit that went down in last week's challenge. Marcel is a bit upset that his team finally scored a win, but the thrill of victory has been ruined by all the in-fighting. Yeah, that would suck. Betty reiterates that she is not a cheater, and that she has to approach the next task with focus. I don't know, I can't really focus on anything but the way she's gripping her toothbrush. It's not a chin-up bar, Betty. Josie wasn't happy to hear that people were sacrificing each other at the Judges' Table. She says that she and Marisa have become friends, and are really the only people who trust each other. That was the most naked foreshadowing I've ever seen on a reality show, ever. Actual sirens would have been more subtle. Josie eats a plum with consternation.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs walk into the Kitchen, and are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Michelle Bernstein. Michelle reminds me of a celebrity, and I can't place who, which will be getting on my nerves for the rest of the hour. Michelle runs a restaurant in Miami and consults for a restaurant in Los Angeles. Carlos recognizes her, being from Florida himself. It's tough to respect Floridians after any election, but Michelle appears competent (read: doesn't radiate insecurity by feeling the need to bolster her ego by bragging about herself for the entire episode) to me. Padma tells the chefs that the theme of the week is "leftovers". Their challenge is to create a dish using at least one of the ingredients set out on a nearby table. And those ingredients are awful. I'm sorry, I mean those ingredients are offal. Anyone who uses the word "offal" is contractually obliged to make that pun. Some of the ingredients we see are lamb kidneys, beef hearts, fish heads, pig blood, and veal tails. Michelle says that she uses these ingredients on a regular basis, but making them appealing can be difficult (especially since some of them require long cooking times). The chefs will be given two hours to cook. Immunity for the winner, as always.

Go! Sam feels confident in the "flavor profiles" he can create from these ingredients. Mia heads straight for the pig trotters (feet), but knows that she may have some trouble with the time limit. Betty interviews that Marcel went for the pig blood, and says that he kind of looks like a vampire. The editors indulge her with a thunder noise and flashing Marcel in negative on the screen. Marcel doesn't look a thing like a vampire! He's more of a werewolf. Talk to Malan if you want a vampire. Cliff says you've got to go with what you know. What Cliff knows is oxtail. Elia works with sweetbread. Carlos and Josie bemoan the time limit. Michael interviews that he'll be upset if he loses the Quickfire. Baby steps, Michael. Perhaps your first goal should be not making the guest judge hate your guts in three microseconds. Cooking montage. Betty seeks garlic. Maybe she's trying to keep Marcel away. Ba-dum-bump! Ilan thinks people may have tried to do too much in such a short period. Mia is proud of her dish. Time runs out, and everyone throws their utensils down and sticks their hands in the air. Nobody waves them like they just don't care.

Michelle goes down the line. Frank has made a veal sweetbread and arugula tart, with a soup called "cream of catfish head". I'm sure we'll see that on the grocery store shelves any day now. Actually, it looks really good. Michelle enjoys the soup. Marisa has made pasta (pappardelle, specifically), with Greek-style beef cheek bolognese. Wait, how can something be "bolognese" and be Greek-style? Isn't that an Italian sauce? Nevermind, I'm sure I have no idea what I'm talking about. Michelle likes it. Elia has made seared kidneys with sweetbreads, and fingerling potatoes. Michelle asks if she soaked the kidneys. Elia did not. Thud of Doom. Sam has made sweetbread and scallion beignets, seasoned with Chinese five spice. There's a sweet soy broth on the side. Dear Top Chef producers -- Please learn how to use an ampersand. Love, Limecrete. Sam's dish looks and sounds terrific. Michelle appears to enjoy it. Marcel has made veal sweetbread schnitzel, with a pig blood/kidney sauce, and has used it to top some pasta with pistou. I have to say that everyone's dishes so far have looked really tasty. I'm impressed. And hungry.

Cliff has prepared sauteed sweetbreads (it must be easy to work with those -- it's by far the most popular choice), shallots, olives, and braised oxtail, and put it all together in a sandwich. I've never had oxtail. I'd be curious to try it. Michelle really enjoys the oxtail, saying she cooks it every day. Er...really? Branch out, Michelle. Michael has made veal tail and tongue stew, and plopped a sunny side up egg on some toast right in the middle of it. I'm trying to decide if that sounds stupid and gross because it's from Michael, or if it sounds stupid and gross because it's actually stupid and gross. I'm not really sure, but suffice it to say that it doesn't look too tempting. Michelle likes the flavor of the stew. Mia has "gone back to her roots" by making braised pig's feet with sauteed arugula and homemade cornbread. Mmmm...homemade cornbread. Michelle asks her if she didn't have enough time to cook the meat, and Mia responds that she thinks she "accomplished her goal". I guess "Fuck you, Michelle" would have been inappropriate. Josie has made braised oxtail with carrot broth, potato puree, and tripe cracklings. It looks kind of icky. She admits that she didn't have enough time to prepare the oxtail the way it should have been done.

Betty has combined fish heads and beef cheeks in a broth, and used it to top some black pepper fettuccini. Sounds great, although I don't know what beef cheeks taste like. Michelle likes the lemon zest that Betty has used. Carlos has made sauteed sweetbreads with a cilantro lime sauce, and almond/ginger rice. Mmmm. Why do I torture myself by writing these entries before dinner? It only leads to heartbreak. Ilan has crusted some sweetbreads with almonds, and made fingerling potatoes, topping the whole thing with scallions. I have no idea what went into the sweetbreads of course, but that sounds a bit simplistic. Especially for him. Nevermind, I'm talking out of my ass again. Michelle enjoys the champagne vinegar accent. Ilan is confident.

Michelle says that the chefs impressed her overall, and that the dishes were tasty and innovative. She delivers the bad news first. The worst dishes were the ones that she found most difficult to eat. Josie's oxtail was unchewable. Elia's kidneys tasted like...kidneys. Are you feeling okay, Michelle? She thinks the kidneys weren't cleaned properly, and that Elia should have made some sort of sauce. Elia says in an interview that she cooks things to bring out the natural flavor; she doesn't hide things with sauces. A well-made sauce can be my favorite thing in the world, but I'm with Elia on this one. I can't stand it when people are all "I ordered a sardine sandwich, but it was sooooooooooo fishy!". Um, ya think? Now, the good news. Cliff's oxtail was cooked beautifully. Sam was creative. Ilan's flavors were great. The winner of the Quickfire is... Sam, for pure innovation. The other chefs applaud. Sam's excited about the dish, excited that Michelle was excited, and excited about immunity. Excited, excited, excited. Padma tells everyone that they'll find out what the Elimination Challenge entails the next day, when they meet her at a restaurant.

Commercials. I would totally drink that wine and sing its praises all day long, if the company would be willing to fly me out to that Italian vineyard for a few days.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs are met by the judges at a restaurant called Social in Hollywood, where Michelle is a consulting chef. Padma outlines the challenge. Today, Jennifer Coolidge will be hosting a lunch for sixty of her "closest" friends. Yay, I love Jennifer Coolidge! The challenge is to plan and cook the six-course lunch. Michael recognizes Jennifer as Stifler's Mom. I can't tell you how utterly shocked I am that the first film reference Michael (who's pushing thirty) can pull out is a movie targeted to horny teenagers. Padma stresses that Jennifer is a guest; not a judge. She tries to weakly tie the challenge to the "leftovers" theme by saying that the chefs will only be able to use food and supplies found in the restaurant's kitchen, which will turn out to be better stocked than a grocery store. Cliff worries about wandering into a kitchen he's never seen and pulling out a six-course menu. Ptom tries for a dramatic pause in telling the chefs that they'll be working in pairs, but winds up sounding stilted. I'll bet he resents having to do all this bullshit reality show patter. The chefs get to select their own partners. Huh, weird. There must have been some frantic challenge shifting, because there's not supposed to be an even number of chefs right now. Anyway... Go!

The chefs look around wildly. Everyone pretty much just winds up with whoever's standing next to them. For Betty, that happens to be Mia. Marisa wonders why those two paired up, given what Mia said about Betty last week. She extrapolates this out to Mia being phony (or at least that this is a "statement" about her "character"). I wasn't thrilled with Mia last week either, but she doesn't appear to be conniving to me. This isn't shifty. She was mad at Betty. Now she's not. Even if they're not BFF, it's better to hook up with someone who's been winning consistently than to get stuck with someone sucky like... Well, like Marisa. Cliff and Sam easily gravitate to one another. Frank turns and asks Marcel to partner up, and Marcel interviews that it's like being asked to go "on prom" with someone you're not interested in, but accepting because you're worried about the alternative. Ouch. I wonder why the chefs don't like Marcel's personality. He's clearly so sweet. Besides, didn't Frank lead Marcel's team to the win last week? Why the sudden bile? Michael and Ilan wind up together. Ilan interviews that they get along very well, and he's excited to work with Michael. At last, someone who understands that a camera is pointed at him, and if he says "Yeah, it kinda sucks to be saddled with that anchor," it's going to haunt him later. Or they really get along. Whatever. Josie and Marisa have naturally paired up, which leaves Carlos and Elia.

Now that the pairs are chosen, one member from each of them has to come forward and draw a knife from the block to determine which course they'll be preparing. Draw, draw, draw, draw, draw, draw. The order turns out to be Frank/Marcel on the first course, Cliff/Sam on the second, Michael/Ilan on the third, Mia/Betty on the fourth, Josie/Marisa on the fifth, and Elia/Carlos on the sixth. Michelle has one more surprise. Frank throws his hand up in the air, like, "Why not? You've only thrown about four curveballs at us in thirty seconds. Douchebags!". That's my interpretation, anyway. Michelle tells the chefs that the winner of the challenge will get to go work with her at a food festival in Miami. Marcel says that it's a great opportunity to get one's name out there and do some networking. That's some savvy business sense from the guy who seems to be making it a goal to be irritatingly condescending and snotty on a popular television show. Wouldn't you want to work with him? Three hours to cook, and twenty minutes to get the food plated. If the chefs run over the time limit, they won't be allowed to serve the food. Ptom himself will be overseeing the work in the kitchen, to make sure everyone's abiding by the rules this week.

The chefs hurry into the kitchen. Betty wants to gather everyone to talk about what courses they're doing, but nobody listens to her. Mia snottily interviews that chefs wouldn't gather, and just headed for the walk-in refrigerator. Yeah, what assholes. Imagine them actually wanting to see what food they'll have access to before planning their menus. The nerve! Everyone surveys the food and starts grabbing things. There's plenty of meat to choose from. And seafood. And produce. And that's just the fridge. Ilan interviews that this isn't really "leftovers". Yeah, no kidding. Just a tenuous link to the week's theme would be great, producers (although maybe it's due to challenge-shuffling). Betty takes some puff pastry, saying that she and Mia discussed making a Napoleon. Now that it's actually reasonable to gather and discuss the menu as a whole, nobody bothers. Twits.

Marcel and Frank decide to do a duo of salmon for the first course. Frank starts scaling some humongous fish. Entire fish! Sorry, I still can't get over the whole "leftovers" thing. Marcel interviews that Frank's filleting skills are not very impressive. Frank interviews that he's scaled more fish than all of the other chefs put together. Ptom furrows his brow. Cliff says that he and Sam are making scallops and foie gras. Sam interviews that they're both workhorses, and Cliff isn't worried that Sam's immunity will have an adverse effect on his cooking. Michael and Ilan are working on a seafood paella. I love paella so very much. Ilan outlines how they'll be working around the normal way of preparing paella, which requires a special kind of dish. Ilan kindly interviews that Michael came up with as many ideas as he did, and that his cooking has been more refined and elegant since the competition started. Yes, "refined" and "elegant" was exactly how I was going to describe his chocolate shitbombs last week. Not to beat up on Michael more than necessary, but come on. We've seen his ideas. We've seen Ilan's. Who do you think came up with a way to make a layered paella with such an innovative technique? Michael can't even put together a serviceable steak sandwich. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that in this interview, Ilan is wearing a mint green bandana over his hair, and his hood is pulled up. He looks like he's auditioning for Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

Mia and Betty are making the Napoleon with pan-seared duck. They're using fairly simple seasonings, but it sounds good. Michael interviews that Mia and Betty are starting to cook their duck really early, and that duck is traditionally served rare. If the duck sits and has to be reheated later, it won't turn out right. Josie and Marisa work on a palate-cleansing trio. It includes an apple-fennel salad, sauteed pineapple, and a fruit salad. That doesn't strike me as very creative or impressive. Cliff interviews that a traditional fifth course is a protein, so Josie and Marisa's food is unsuitable. Carlos and Elia are going to make a dessert trio, which includes chilled pomegranate juice which will be drunk (Or is it drank? I'm going to consult the grammar book. -- No, it's "drunk") as a shot. Ptom interviews that he doesn't really understand some of the courses, and that he doesn't think they've spoken to each other about how the courses are going to work together. He doesn't understand why the puff pastry is necessary for Betty and Mia's dish, and thinks the teams doing trios will have a difficult time plating.

Marcel and Frank disagree about the flavor of the sauce that should go on their salmon. They decide to each make samples of sauce, and call Cliff over to judge which one's better. Sounds fair. He picks Marcel's, and Marcel goes the extra mile to really rub it in Frank's face, though he tries to be nonchalant about it. Marisa discovers that Elia is making something similar to something she and Josie are doing. Marisa and Josie were going to make a cucumber/prickly pear shot, accented with basil, but Elia's pomegranate shot also incorporates basil. I should give Marisa a point here for not unfairly jumping down Carlos or Elia's throat about this, as she is no doubt tempted to do. She and Josie change their approach somewhat by turning the shot into coconut/lime/prickly pear, and serving it in a spoon instead of a glass. Cooking montage. Marisa interviews that everyone was busy, but there was a definite lack of all-around cohesiveness. Yep, looks that way.

Guests start to arrive. Jennifer Coolidge awesomes her way in. Marcel interviews that as time wound down, everyone started running around chaotically, but praises himself for his regimented service. I like to remind myself that no matter how annoying Marcel has been so far (and it's been considerable), he hasn't even approached the level of smarm Stephen was able to work up last season. That makes me cheerful for some reason. Jennifer comes in and thanks the chefs for preparing lunch. She goes back out to the dining room, and she, the other guests, and the judges get seated. Cooking time runs out.

Commercials. Women dance around in their underwear. Eh, they're no dodgeball players, but they're certainly graceful.

The guests have some drinks. Looks like there will be an additional judge; Joseph Ojeda, the executive chef of Social. Marisa recaps the challenge. Ptom stands around looking sour. Marcel plates up the duo of salmon and beets, and sends the waiters out. He interviews that he and Frank are "setting the pace" for the rest of the menu, whatever that means. It's not like he consulted anybody else on their food. Ptom eats his share in the kitchen. Heh. Marcel and Frank come out to explain their dish a bit more fully. There is salmon tartare with avocado and red onions, and a salmon mousse with chives, all of which is served with red and gold beets. I go back and forth on beets. Sometimes they're really good, and sometimes I can't stand them. Jennifer appears to enjoy it. Michelle has some gripe about the texture. Cliff and Sam plate up. After it's been served, Sam explains that on one side of the plate are some seared diver scallops, and on the other is seared foie gras, with a fig gastrique. Cliff and Sam are both confident, and the diners really like it. Ilan and Michael plate up their seafood paella, which is topped with softshell crab, and OH MY GOD. LIMECRETE WANT. Other chefs help plate it up, which was nice of them. Michael interviews that he didn't do so well at introducing the dish last week. They make the wise choice to have Ilan talk about it. The paella includes lobster, and there is baked risotto to approximate a paella's crust. Mmmm. Gail enjoys it. Michelle thinks that there is too much saffron. Pfft. Saffron is like peanut butter. There's no such thing as too much. Joseph likes that the texture of the crab matches the texture of the risotto. Jennifer is impressed by everything she's seen so far.

Betty and Mia get ready to plate. Frank helps slice the duck. It looks plenty pink to me. Mia interviews that Betty wanted to go for a visual effect by stacking the duck on top of the puff pastry. Mia herself isn't so fond of this idea, saying she's more concerned with flavor, and that having a big wad of puff pastry on the plate might clash with the sweet potatoes they're serving along with it. She says that being on a team means compromise, and allows the plates to go out as Betty wishes. Sam interviews that the dish wasn't "on-point", because of the odd presence of the puff pastry, and that it was "almost embarrassing" to have the plates go out. Dude, it's puff pastry. They're not serving maggot-ridden sheep intestine. Some perspective, please. Someone (male) yells at the waiters to GO-GO-GO-GO! Fuck off, male voice. These people don't work for you. Being rude to them is like being rude to another contestant's mother. Oh, wait. I guess that means you can win. Scream away. Betty presents the dish. Loudly. Mia is proud of the duck. Gail says that she thought it was veal at first glance, because properly-cooked duck should be more pink than this. Huh, guess I was wrong. The other judges echo Mia's feeling about the puff pastry being distracting.

Marisa and Josie plate, and have difficulty, as Ptom predicted. Frank interviews that their course was confusing, and that the pink shot tasted like shit. Gail is similarly confused. Josie presents the course as an "awakening" trio. Gail still doesn't understand the point of the dish. Michelle asks if she'd send it back. Gail says no, but wouldn't ever order it, because she doesn't get what it's going for. I like how Gail is able to criticize food without being a gratuitous bitch for effect. That puts her head and shoulders above another judge, who shall remain nameless, except to say that it rhymes with Ptom. Joseph doesn't understand why they picked the ingredients they did, what with all that was available to them. Some random guest says something pedantic about how his palate wasn't cleansed. Carlos and Elia plate the dessert. If nothing else, the purple flowers they've put on it sure are pretty. Betty and Ilan appear to give some assistance, but Elia interviews that she doesn't like a lot people helping all at once, because it freaks her out. She and Carlos have some problems getting all the components plated. A few minutes after the dessert trio is served, one of the servers comes back with a plate that has two shots in it instead of the ice cream that was supposed to go. By now, plating time has run out, and they're not allowed to send it back out. Carlos accepts responsibility for the mistake. He's worried that Elia might be eliminated along with him for something that wasn't her fault. That's kind of him. We finally hear everything that's in the trio: the pomegranate shot, some phyllo dough with marscapone cream, and apple (or pineapple) sorbet with candied pistachio nuts on top. Oooh, that sorbet sounds good. The judges don't like the shot.

All of the chefs emerge to applause. Jennifer thanks the restaurant and the chefs. She says that the building they're standing in used to be a pool hall, and she was the cappuccino girl. She got daily complaints on not providing enough foam, so she can't be an authority on their dishes. Hehehehe! She wishes them luck. Betty found the challenge rewarding. Ilan is very proud of everything the chefs have done. Back in the kitchen, they toast themselves with some wine, and Marcel offers good wishes to whoever gets to go to Miami. Aw. Warm fuzzies from Marcel! Mark your calendars.

Commercials. Bravo would like to know which chef is the most annoying: Betty, Elia, Marcel, or Frank. I would really love to know why Elia is on that list, and Michael isn't. What has Elia ever done except disdain American cheese? Shut up, Bravo.

Judges' Table. It's being held at Social tonight. Joseph isn't present, so I guess he was just a pseudo-judge. Loser! The judges talk about the wide array of ingredients that the chefs had access to, which allows me to get one final jab in about how this challenge could not be an iota less about "leftovers". The judges seem really offended that the chefs didn't use their freedom to select better ingredients. I wish I knew how much time they had to plan the menu before they had to start cooking. If it was just a few minutes, then the judges really have no business grousing about this. Ptom gets the sense that nobody's really trying to win; they're just trying not to lose. I think he may be right, although he probably fostered that attitude himself by relentlessly haranguing those who stand out. He goes on to point out that the menu was not cohesive as a whole. Michelle says there were some lovely things, but some others shocked her to the point of anger.

Gail, usually the first to try and find something positive to say, points out that Ilan and Michael's paella was good. Michelle agrees, though she must again harp on the "overuse" of saffron. I get the feeling that Michelle is one of those people who isn't happy unless she has something to complain about. Oh, wait. She has nothing but nice things to say about Cliff and Sam's dish. Nevermind, then. I seem to be talking out of my ass a lot tonight. It's because I want some of that paella, and it seems unlikely I'll be able to reach through the screen and get some. These are settled upon as the top two dishes, and the four chefs are brought out. They're congratulated, which earns some wan smiles. Maybe that's why Betty wins so much. She's the only chef to show any emotion when she wins.

Sam and Cliff are told that their scallops were very well done. Ptom wishes the scallops and foie gras could have been merged into a single dish instead of being kept separate. Michael and Ilan are asked about the paella. Michael initially spotted the crab and risotto. Ilan works in a Spanish restaurant, so he's familiar with the flavors that go into a paella, such as saffron. I steel myself for another onslaught about the saffron. Ptom begins to oblige, and Gail cuts him off with some compliments about how the crab was cooked perfectly. I'm loving Gail these days. Michelle loved the matching consistencies of the crab and risotto. Michael and Ilan are chosen as the winning pair. They slap hands. Michael is asked how it feels to be at the winners' table for once. The answer? Good. Michelle is asked to choose between Michael and Ilan as the individual winner, and since it couldn't be more obvious whose ideas guided this dish, Ilan triumphs. He's very excited. He's also very shiny. Padma excuses the winners, and asks them to send out Betty, Mia, Josie, Marisa, Carlos, and Elia. Jeez, why not just say "Send everyone else out except Frank and Marcel"? I'm not sure you can say teams are "at the bottom", when said teams make up half your contestant pool.

Gong noise. The losing teams emerge. Ptom asks Betty and Mia if they were happy with the dish. Mia is nothing if not direct, and says that she was so proud of her dish that she went into the walk-in and cried. Ptom asks what would be taken off the dish if they could choose one thing. They know the answer he's looking for, and offer up the puff pastry. Ptom says that apart from being superfluous, the pastry wasn't cooked enough, while the duck was overcooked. So taken together, the dish was perfect! Just kidding. These seem like fairly minor complaints, but Ptom is making the dish sound inedible. Marisa and Josie are asked whose idea the coconut/prickly pear shot was. Josie says it was "our" idea, neither accepting blame nor placing it. Michelle asks if the finished shot reminded them of anything. Again, very leading, and again, Josie knows exactly what the judges want to hear. Yes, it's Pepto Bismol, which I swear gets compared to every single pink food on television. Gail asks if they felt the three components of their dish went together. Marisa makes some sort of argument about how there was citrus in everything, and Josie admits the fennel salad was waterlogged. There's some blah about goat cheese mixed with pineapple (which sounds gross -- I like both of those things, but I don't think I'd like them together) before they're asked what their overall goal was. Josie says it was to cleanse the palate, which Ptom interprets as an admission to his earlier charge that people are just trying to get by instead of win.

Elia and Carlos are asked who made the juice. Carlos steps up for that. He's asked where he found the pomegranate, and he says they came from a jar in the pantry. The judges say that it tasted like the fruit had sat out for a day or two too long. Well, that's the restaurant's fault; not Carlos'. I guess an argument could be made that he should have tasted the fruit before using it, although maybe he did and didn't find fault with it. Ptom asks why they made a trio. Carlos says that with a six-course lunch, they wanted to present something that would intrigue, but not overwhelm the diners. Ptom, trying to gather more evidence for his "These People Just Don't Want It Enough" case, persists by asking why they wouldn't concentrate on making one good thing instead of three sort-of good things. Carlos says that he felt that all three of their components were good until the plating error occurred. Gail says that the three desserts they made had no connection, and that there has to be a common thread. Elia seems willing to accept that, which Ptom pounces on as flip-flopping on their part. Follow his insane logic: Carlos feels that all three desserts were good. Gail says that they didn't connect to one another. Elia admits as much. Therefore, the team as a whole is indecisive. Carlos' opinion of the flavors is a completely separate issue from the desserts matching each other, Ptom. Carlos having an opinion on Issue A doesn't preclude Elia from having another on Issue B, Ptom. He gets in one final ridiculous, moralizing speech about fixing problems, and blah blah blah. Jesus fucking Christ. This man isn't fit to judge a watermelon seed spitting contest. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Everything tonight comes down to "poor choices". Mia wasn't happy with the puff pastry, but allowed it to go out. I'm not even going to get into how the judges are ignoring the fact that Mia had to balance her food preferences with the ability to function within a team or we'll be here all night. Carlos and Elia were happy with their desserts, but should have focused on one thing. Gail is pissed that Marisa and Josie didn't cook anything. I thought they sauteed the pineapple? Well, that's still pretty minimal, I guess. The entire thing was unfocused. Ptom is mad that they wouldn't sell each other out. That's not what he says, but it's what he means. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. I wish they'd stop advertising The Office as nothing more than some grand romance.

Elimination. Padma reminds the losing chefs that they were the bottom three teams for this challenge. I think they've got it, Padma. Ptom says that the challenge boils down to choices. Mia and Betty shouldn't have chosen presentation over flavor. Fair enough. Carlos and Elia should have been more focused. Also fair enough. Josie and Marisa had three hours to prepare the dish, and didn't cook anything. I guess the implication is that if they weren't going to cook, then the raw ingredients should have been that much more impressive. Padma delivers the bad news. Marisa... And Josie... Please pack your knives and go. Mia's jaw drops, although this isn't particularly shocking. Josie tells the judges that it's been a pleasure, and that they'll be seeing her around, and that she made some mistakes, and jeez. Save it for the final interview, lady. Marisa says that the experience has been challenging and educational. Mia is crying for some reason. The chefs are dismissed. They go back and tell the others about the double elimination. Nobody seems surprised. Elia says that Josie had such drive that seeing her eliminated actually made her cry.

In her final interview, Josie emphasizes that this was her first time on the chopping block, and can't believe that they would send someone with so much talent home. She makes a dismissive face at the camera. I'll get to that in a second. Marisa says that it's been tough, but great. Given the opportunity, she'd do it all again, but with a few different choices. I actively like her in this final bit. Way to pull out some respect at the last minute, Marisa. Josie is still mad that someone with her burning talent would be sent home for one mistake. She said she had a lot of confidence going into the competition, because AGAIN, she's so damn talented. Oh, shut the fuck up, lady. First of all, anyone who refers to her own talent three times in thirty seconds isn't radiating confidence; she's radiating naked insecurity. But what really burns me up is an attitude I've seen in a lot of competitions lately. "How can they send me home? All I did was fuck up!" Well...exactly. I'm perfectly willing to believe that Josie is a good cook. But she screwed up the Quickfire, and then turned around and screwed up the Elimination Challenge. Guess what happens when you don't perform well in a competition? You lose. That's kind of the point.

Overall Grade: C+

Being Polite Sucks Sometimes

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 9

Previously on The Amazing Race: Pure awesomeness. The teams raced from Mauritius to Madagascar, where they were forced to work together, even though there was only one team not in an alliance by that point anyway. That team? KanDustin, who tore through the leg and beat the Fast Forward teams to take first place. The Plastics and the Bottom Feeders struggled, and David and Mary got an emotional, yet overdue elimination. Five teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Lyn and Karlyn try to break up a fight. I can't imagine where those kids picked up the habit of arguing about everything.

Antananarivo, Madagascar. Phil doesn't even attempt to pronounce the city's name again. KanDustin is off the mat first at 2:56 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to Helsinki, Finland. Cool! I'd love to go there. Especially after reading all those "Finland is the best place in the world to live" articles. Once in Helsinki, they have to find a coffee house, log onto a marked computer, and AAAAAAAARRRRRGH! Product placement task! I hate product placement tasks. Isn't it enough that we see commercials spread throughout the episode and that the first place team wins a product-placed prize? The worst thing about these tasks (apart from the blatant insult to the audience's intelligence) is that they never have anything to do with the background/culture/history of the country. I can wander down to a coffee shop and check my e-mail here. Anyway, there is one piece of good news, and that is that ignoring most of the aspects of a product-placed task means we can tear right through that segment, which means it won't take as long to get to those Toll House cookies LabRat left in my freezer.

Phil says that flights out of Madagascar are limited, so teams are being provided tickets to Paris, where they'll need to make their own arrangements to get to Helsinki. Nobody is obligated to use the Paris tickets, but they're available. Dustin interviews that a lot of the teams think KanDustin has it easy, and that things are handed to them, but that they really work hard to win. I'm with ya, Dustin! They see that the tickets to Paris aren't until 9:40 PM, which is a ridiculously long time to wait. Dustin asks if Finland is the place with the wooden shoes. Sigh. I wish she'd stop saying things like that so I can feel better about rooting for them. Tyler and James leave at 3:08 AM. Tyler says that him bossing James around comes from "a loving place". I'll bet. RoKi leaves the mat at 3:14 AM. Rob says that their strategy is to get to the pitstop as quickly as possible. Wow, good thinking. Maybe he should write a book. He says that RoKi has a bond with James and Tyler that they don't want to break, but that KanDustin isn't "part of their group". I'm sure KanDustin is crying into their pillows at night about that. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 3:24 AM, and let us know that teams are receiving $265 for this leg. Plenty of cab money for everyone! Duke and Lauren are watching this somewhere and spitting at the screen. Godwin says that they'll be running this leg "in memory" of David and Mary. Erwin steps on what would have been my next remark by pointing out that it's not like David and Mary are dead. In fact, they're doing quite nicely, thanks to Rosie O'Donnell.

KanDustin pulls up to the airport. They begin trying to find better tickets to "Helinski". Sigh. Stop it! I want to root for you unfettered! Stop doing and saying things that make me have to defend you! Tyler and James arrive and sarcastically ask if KanDustin doesn't want to wait until 9:40 tonight to leave. Tyler interviews that they have a weird relationship with KanDustin, in which they sometimes help each other, but know that there will be some backstabbing at some point. RoKi arrives. Rob points a line of people out to everyone, and says that there's a flight getting ready to leave right now. He doesn't even know where it's going; just that it's leaving. The agent tells them that it's going to Johannesburg at 5:00 AM. Kandice asks if there's a quicker flight to Finland out of Johannesburg. As she's doing this, Erwin and Godwin arrive. The agent tells the group that the Johannesburg flight connects through Frankfurt, and gets into Helsinki at 10:20 AM. Nice job, folks. Of course, they immediately ruin it by bragging that there's no way Lyn and Karlyn will be able to make the flight. Jeez, what could possibly happen now?

Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 3:55 AM. Karlyn is wearing David's ballcap. Aw. Lyn says that although Erwin and Godwin had to work with KanDustin on the last leg, they still have an alliance. Of course, everyone's still in the race to win it. This has been pounded into our skulls a trillion times, and I'm tired of typing the whole thing out. From now on, "We have an alliance with so-and-so, but we know that at some point, we have to try and win this for ourselves (Optional Addendum: No hard feelings)" is simply going to be referred to as Underdogs' Law. Everyone at the airport buys tickets. Lyn and Karlyn arrive as Erwin and Godwin head for their flight, and they discuss the tickets. Erwin and Godwin say that there's pretty much no way Lyn and Karlyn are going to get the same tickets (sigh...#2). Indeed, the ticket agent tells them that check-in is closed now. The other teams board the flight. Kimberly says that Lyn and Karlyn won't make it (#3). Lyn and Karlyn are trying to beg their way on, but the agent (thinking there must be some sort of language barrier problem) makes a plane-taking-off hand gesture. Nice touch, agent.

KanDustin says that Lyn and Karlyn won't make it (#4). The agent calls over some sort of manager, who tells Lyn and Karlyn that they can't get on because there aren't meals for them. Lyn and Karlyn say that they don't care about the meals, just the tickets. The manager relents, and the agent begins preparing tickets. Karlyn tells the camera how appreciative she is that the airline is being so cooperative. She bounces up and down with excitement and nervous energy. Heh. So OF COURSE they make the flight, and I'm sure that was wonderfully surprising to people who have never seen this show, people who have never seen a reality show in their lives, people who don't own televisions, or people who have just come out of cryogenic chambers. As for the rest of us? Yawn. They board. Erwin playfully tries to steal Karlyn's hat. The plane takes off. We trace the journey, which has a stopoff in Addis Ababa as well as Frankfurt. I have no idea why the former was never mentioned.

Helsinki, Finland. Everyone rushes out of the airport and grabs taxis. RoKi bickers, so no news there. Erwin and Godwin's taxi passes Lyn and Karlyn's. Underdogs' Law. Lyn says that KanDustin is doing so well because they run out of airports with their boobs hanging out, so they get attention. Karlyn agrees that it's unfair that they get ahead because of their looks. What a remarkably stupid comment. Interesting point they've got there. I suppose KanDustin couldn't possibly be ahead because they respond to disaster well, or because they work efficiently, or because they're able to intuit information that they've lost, or because they are able to work through a challenging task instead of immediately giving up, or any other actual skills. Nope, they've gotten through this based on blonde hair, big boobs, and straight teeth. Shut the fuck up, Lyn and Karlyn.

Tyler and James pass KanDustin. Both teams peg the other as the biggest competition. Heh. Poor, ignored RoKi. Tyler and James run into the cafe with a miniscule lead. Stupid product placement task. Here's the gist. Log onto a computer. Get a video message from home. When the message is over, the owner of the cafe will give them the next clue. Erwin and Godwin arrive. Tyler/James and KanDustin finish and get the clue. It tells them to travel 125 miles by train and taxi to the town of Tampere, and... Oof. Find a school called Soppeenharjun Koulu. Difficult location names seems to be a light motif for this season. The next cluebox will be on the school's grounds. The train station is a kilometer away, so both lead teams take off jogging. Erwin and Godwin finish listening to their message, and get their clue, just as Lyn and Karlyn arrive. RoKi isn't far behind. Lyn and Karlyn burst into tears upon seeing their children. They get their clue. RoKi listens to their message. They get their clue.

KanDustin and Tyler/James buy train tickets. Erwin and Godwin have wandered in the wrong direction. RoKi takes no chances, getting a taxi to the nearby train station. As they pass Erwin and Godwin, Godwin tries to hail the very cab that they're in. Heh. Lyn and Karlyn manage to get directions from a local, even though they're not blonde and throwing their boobs everywhere! Wow, how'd they manage that? All three of the trailing teams get to the train station at about the same time, and all five teams wind up on the same train. On the train, Karlyn talks about the sacrifice she's made by coming on the show. Yeah, it's times like these that I wish the American government would stop kidnapping people from their homes and forcing them to be on television. Tyler applies moisturizer to his face, making KanDustin giggle. Kandice says she actually relies on Tyler for nail clippers and conditioner. Hehehe. She interviews that when the two teams are together, they have an uneasy truce, but if they're given the chance to run ahead, they'll take it.

The train arrives in Tampere. First out of the station are KanDustin and Tyler and James, who are running and grab the only two available taxis. By the time the other teams wander out of the station, a line has formed for cabs. RoKi begs the people waiting to jump ahead of them, which is fair. Rob is actually down on one knee. Nobody can stand that kind of pressure, and the locals reluctantly allow RoKi to cut the line "this time". Heh. I like how the next time RoKi tries to cut the taxi line, they can just forget it. Erwin and Godwin get into line. Lyn heads for the line as well, and Karlyn says "Forget the line. Let's jump." Again, trying to jump the line when you're in a race for a million dollars is fine. RoKi appealed to the people who had the right to go next. Lyn and Karlyn aren't worried with such trifles. They just park themselves right in front of everyone and start waving at taxis. The guy at the front points out that, hi, there's a line (well, he omits the "hi" and calls the line a "queue", but you get the idea). When a taxi arrives, the man at the front tries to take it and Lyn and Karlyn actively cut him off and get in. Lyn thanks him as if he allowed them this liberty, which he didn't. So once again, we have a shining example of this very curious morality of Lyn and Karlyn's, which allows them to cut a line, but jumping over them in a line should cause people to "examine their conscience". Whatever, bitches. Still in line, Godwin spouts the titular quote. It's true, and you just have to weigh the benefit against the rudeness. I actually don't dislike Lyn and Karlyn for stealing some poor guy's cab. For a million dollars? I'd do it, too. I'd feel bad about it, but it's worth his anger and temporary inconvenience for a chance to get ahead. What pisses me off about Lyn and Karlyn is that they feel they're perfectly entitled to act like this, but nobody else is. Rudeness can sometimes be justified. Being a raging hypocrite cannot.

Commercials. Nice try, but debit cards are not faster than cash. Ever.

Erwin and Godwin are frustrated as they wait out the taxi line. KanDustin arrives at the school. Tyler and James aren't far behind. There's a mini-race to the cluebox, but their open their clues at about the same time. Detour! Swamp This or Swamp That. As Phil introduces the Detour, he stands waist-deep in a mud bog while wearing waders. An enthusiastic gentleman leaps into the mud next to him. Splat. Hehehe. In Swamp This, teams strap on some cross-country skis, and walk a one-mile course through a muddy field. In Swamp That, teams have to go through an equally muddy obstacle course. No skis are involved, but they have to climb, crawl, carry each other, and run. Another enthusiastic gentleman (or perhaps even the same one) crawls past Phil as he warns that teams could get sucked into the wet ground. I'd love to see that happen. KanDustin heads for Swamp This, while Tyler and James opt for Swamp That.

Erwin and Godwin are still in line. They finally get a taxi. RoKi arrives at a school. Rob points out that they should see other taxis, but Kimberly urges them out of the cab, because she sees kids. Sure, why would kids be at any school except the one they're headed for? Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the cluebox. The idea of carrying each other through the mud does not appeal to them, and they head for Swamp This. RoKi figures out that they're at the wrong school, and get directions. Tyler and James leap into their obstacle course as KanDustin starts to strap on their skis. They spot the arriving Lyn and Karlyn and refer to them as the "Sistas". Uh, no. If they were friends with Lyn and Karlyn, I could see how faux ghetto-speak could be construed as an inside joke. They're not, so it just sounds plain racist. I really want you to win this race, KanDustin! Stop making it so difficult for me! Merry oompah music kicks in as KanDustin starts the course. Lyn and Karlyn are right on their tails. Unfortunately, this Detour is really boring, so there's not much to say except "and then so-and-so falls in some mud".

Erwin and Godwin and RoKi arrive at the school at about the same time. Tyler and James crawl through mud. KanDustin walks. Lyn and Karlyn walk. Tyler and James splat into a mud hole. James gets stuck and has to have Tyler come pull him out. Of course he does. If it's not eating whale intestines or something, James is useless. Both RoKi and Erwin and Godwin choose Swamp That. KanDustin has to take off their skis, climb over a wooden structure, jump into the mud, then put the skis back on. Yeesh, that sounds time-consuming. Dustin lands in the mud on her ass, and laments that it'll look like she pooped her pants. Heh. Kandice manages a more graceful jump, sinking up to her ankles in mud. Ick. Lyn and Karlyn stumble along slowly. It's so unfair that KanDustin is getting through the course faster by being pretty. Tyler and James are at the carry section, and I'm just going to go ahead and have you guess who carries whom. You'll be right. KanDustin spots the lagging teams, so that taxi line can't have taken too long. RoKi and Erwin/Godwin sprint into the mud bog. They can't sprint for long. Splat! Tyler and James switch places, so James is contributing something now. Hooray for him. Lyn and Karlyn climb over the wooden structure.

And then so-and-so falls in some mud. Repeat forty times. Rob carries Kimberly. Godwin carries Erwin. And then so-and-so falls in some mud. Tyler and James finish up and narrowly beat KanDustin to the cluebox. Their clue tells them to take a train more than a hundred miles to the city of Turku. Once there, they choose a marked car and drive themselves another 78 miles to the town of Lohja. Once in Lohja, they have to find the Tytyrin (hee...I said Tytyrin) Limestone Mine, and take a tram to the bottom, where the next cluebox awaits. Back at the taxis, Tyler and James open their bags and begin to change clothing. KanDustin catches up and jumps in the cab as-is. Tyler says they may have made a mistake by changing, and KanDustin laughs at the "pretty boys" in their cab. Yeah, it's fun to be all "Tyler and James are so concerned with image that they had to freshen up before going to the station! Tee hee!", but keep in mind that they got a lot dirtier during that Detour. RoKi, Lyn/Karlyn, and Erwin/Godwin get their clues in that order and pretty close together. In the cab, Rob says that it was easier to carry Kimberly through the mud than he thought it would be. "Why, you think I'm fat?" Kimberly asks, and I'm 90% sure that she was kidding, so I'll toss her a hehehehe.

Exciting music masks a routine trip to the train station. KanDustin and Tyler/James get to the station a few minutes before the next train to Turku is scheduled to leave. They hurriedly buy tickets. RoKi arrives at the station. KanDustin/Tyler/James board. RoKi buys tickets. James jokes to Tyler that he can just picture RoKi running and yelling "STOP THE TRAIN!". Smash cut to RoKi running, and Rob yelling "HOLD THE TRAIN!". Hahahahaha! Nice. RoKi arrives to see the train pulling away, so they just missed it. Ouch.

Commercials. Watch this new medical drama on CBS! We swear it's not a cheap knockoff of Grey's Anatomy!

Rob is naturally pissed about missing the train by such a tiny margin. Kimberly points out that they'll just get the next one. "Just let me have my moment," Rob pisses. "Have it," Kimberly says as she wanders away. The Underdogs catch up, and the next train doesn't leave for another hour. On the lead train, Tyler and James ask a local about the mine, while KanDustin works out the way to Lohja on a map. The lagging teams board the train. The Underdogs find a man on the train who actually works for the mining company, which they rejoice over. The lead train arrives in Turku, and the teams hop in their cars and go. KanDustin is right behind Tyler and James. James accuses them of being followers. Shot of Kandice consulting her map -- another nice burn by the editors. Tyler calls KanDustin "crafty". RoKi gets some confusing directions to Lohja (Kimberly pronounces it as you would La Jolla) from a man on the train. They make their way elsewhere on the train, coldly excusing themselves through a knot of Underdogs. Interviews boiling down to the fact that they hate each other.

The two lead teams arrive at the mine and circle around, looking for the place they need to be. Tyler and James spot the marked entrance, but KanDustin misses it. Tyler and James hop into a tram as KanDustin gets set straight by a nearby worker. James smarms over KanDustin missing the entrance, as if he hasn't navigated his way into last place about a zillion times. They ride down. The tram worker tells KanDustin they have to wait a few minutes for the tram to return. The second train arrives in Turku. RoKi runs to their car and peels out, hoping to get away before other teams can follow them. Why is it the horrible navigators who always worry about being followed? RoKi gets lost almost as often as Tyler and James. The Underdogs leave. Underdogs' Law.

Tyler and James reach the bottom of the mine and rip the clue. Roadblock! "Who's ready for a 'minor' inconvenience"? Phil tells us that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to ride a bicycle down a steep incline within the mine for more than a mile. Once at the bottom, they'll spot a marked pile of limestone. They have to attach one of the stones to the bike, come back up, and use mining tools (like a hammer and chisel) to break open the stone. The next clue will be inside. James has "been waiting" to do some Roadblocks, and is anxious for the chance to "step up". Yes, please. As it stands now, if they win the million-dollar prize, James deserves about twenty bucks. He starts riding down. The tram comes back for KanDustin. The lagging teams spot the sign of Lohja. James straps the stone to his bike. KanDustin reaches the cluebox, and Kandice takes the Roadblock. A mine worker hands her a bike helmet, and she asks if she's supposed to put it on top of the hardhat she's already wearing. Sigh. She immediately hears herself and rolls her eyes. Tyler laughs at her. She begins coasting down. James is walking his bike up. Yeah, there's no way I'd be able to ride a mile on that steep of an incline. Dustin and Tyler joke that their teammates are probably down in the mine making out. Hehe.

Kandice passes James going the other way. She asks if he walked the whole way, and he tells her that riding down is easy, but coming back up "is a bitch". And how. He makes it back to the top, puts on some safety goggles, and gets to chiseling. Kandice straps her stone onto the bike. James splits the stone and pulls the clue out. This is where we expect a "make your way to the pitstop" clue, but it just says to go to the Olympic stadium in Helsinki, which is about forty miles away. Bleh. I can see what's coming. Tyler and James prepare to leave, and Dustin gives Tyler a high five. I like the relationship between these two teams. They know they're trying to beat each other, but don't take everything as a personal affront, Lyn and Karlyn. Kandice reaches the top, and it appears like she may have made up some time on James. She chisels her stone open, and gets the clue. Tyler and James celebrate over inevitably coming in first place, while KanDustin bemoans losing to them. I can't fathom why the fact that a pitstop wasn't mentioned in the clue isn't pinging their radar, but they're in race mode, so whatever.

The lagging teams arrive at the mine. Rob immediately splits off in the wrong direction, while Karlyn spots the marked entrance. Erwin and Godwin follow them into the mine entrance. Rob approaches what he thinks is the right way to go, but it turns out to be a tunnel entrance into the mine. Yeah, don't drive into that. They back out. The Underdogs cheer about David as they take the tram down into the mine. RoKi circles around aimlessly as Rob sings a chorus of the ever-popular song, "Poor Us, We're Out Of It".

Commercials. Tomato soup sure is good. And it's perfect weather for it right now. That said, it's really not as exciting as these people would have us believe.

RoKi circles back around and spots the other cars, which appears to be the only reason they find the tram. They have to wait for it to come back up. The lead teams drive. The Underdogs rip the clue. Godwin and Karlyn take the Roadblock. They begin riding down. RoKi rides the tram. They reach the cluebox, and Rob takes the Roadblock. Other people sort of coasted down the incline, but he's actively pedaling. It looks kind of dangerous. That thing is really steep. Godwin invokes Dave's name for help. Again. David. Not dead. Godwin and Karlyn reach the stones, and strap them on. Rob is catching up. Godwin starts riding back up the incline, which is pretty damn impressive. Karlyn doesn't even pretend to be able to do that, although she is making an effort to jog quickly. She tells Godwin to go on ahead. Rob straps the stone onto his bike, and yells that he's "comin' for" the Underdogs.

Tyler and James arrive at the stadium, and run in. Hey, remember that small, marked entrance at the mine that they giddily laughed over KanDustin missing? Turns out there's a small, marked entrance at the stadium, too. And they've run right past it. Hehe. KanDustin calls Lyn and Karlyn the "Sistas" again. Arrrgh, stop that! They want Lyn and Karlyn to be eliminated today. Eh, I'd prefer someone who actually had a shot of beating me to be eliminated, but who am I to stand in the way of someone's seething enmity? Godwin has given up riding, and is walking his bicycle up. Karlyn struggles along behind. Rob is running up with his bike alongside, shrieking like an extra in Braveheart. Godwin is first to the top. Rob passes Karlyn. More shrieking. Everyone chisels. Godwin gets the clue first. Then Rob. Then Karlyn. All three teams share a tram up. Tyler and James walk around the stadium, looking for a clue. KanDustin has to stop for directions. They ask a local to lead them to the stadium. The lagging teams get into their cars, and head for the "pitstop". James and Tyler come back out of the stadium and spot the marked entrance, and the cluebox inside. The clue tells them to make their way to the top of the tower they're standing in.

KanDustin bemoans that Finnish drivers don't turn right on red. At the top of the tower, a man is telling Tyler and James that they will be rappelling down face first. Yikes. Tyler goes first. He slowly, but competently starts making his way down. James is freaking out. KanDustin arrives and thanks their guide. They spot the flag. Tyler finishes. On the ground, he says that James is afraid of heights, but knew he'd have to conquer that fear on the race. He says it's a shame that it had to happen when they're in first, but knows that James won't let him down. Thanks, coach. KanDustin gets the tower clue. The lagging teams drive. There's a little following/tailgating pissing match. James starts his rappel. He's clearly terrified, and not leaning all the way forward as he should. Tyler calls up encouragement. James' feet come off the wall, and he essentially begins falling down the rope in little spurts before catching himself. The lagging teams arrive at the stadium. They park and begin running like merry hell. The Underdogs find the marked entrance immediately, whereas RoKi runs off in the wrong direction. Isn't that, like, the third time they've done that today? James finishes the rappel. RoKi runs around like chickens with their heads cut off. James and Tyler rip the clue. "Keep racing." I'm sorry. It's actually "KEEP RACING!!!". Bleh. Rob screams for Kimberly. Tyler and James sigh that the leg's not over. Indeed, it isn't, and I wonder why CBS doesn't realize how freaking anticlimactic and boring it is to have an episode with no pitstop at the end.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Tanks. Underdogs' Law.

Overall Grade: C+